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Oh that 's what we need , more arguments about what PoV novels are in But thanks for this . Thanks so much Hito . I wish I knew more so I could help . . . but right now you da man We haven 't had any of those yet . " The sound of the plate shattering rung in my ears . I felt bad about doing something so unlike me . When I 've calmed down , I 'll go home and talk to Mum . There seems to be a lot of stuff I don 't know . But still , leaving in two days ? Leaving to where ? No . It doesn 't matter where , I don 't want to go . I 'm not going anywhere with that man . I decided to kill time for two days . Then I would go home . If I did that , Nick Foley and my mother 's plans would be shot . It 's probably going to be a little awkward for a while , but what can you do . Things will get back to normal soon enough - I kept thinking to myself as I walked through sector seven to the warehouse block in sector eight . The standard destination for teenage runaways . Update : chapter 1 is just about finished , but needs final touches . I was hoping to get something out at least every 1 ~ 2 weeks , so will worry less about a number of chapters and more about the timing of releases . also have another translator 's note - Evan 's accent He doesn 't really have on in Japanese , it 's just standard Japanese . And the reason he is using British words ( Mum , etc . ) here is because that 's how I speak . But then I considered making a point of it for Evan and his mother , for no reason than The Who are English . I am wondering if this fits in with the world . Is it possible for Evan 's mother to have an accent like that , and perhaps her son at least picked up the words she used ? As far as I know from the limited Youtube - video - viewing experience of the English Compilation , the only character with a British accent is Nero from DC ? But maybe I 'm putting more thought into this than Square did , give their " you know what G needs ? Vampire accent " attitude . __________________ Update : chapter 1 is just about finished , but needs final touches . I was hoping to get something out at least every 1 ~ 2 weeks , so will worry less about a number of chapters and more about the timing of releases . also have another translator 's note - Evan 's accent He doesn 't really have on in Japanese , it 's just standard Japanese . And the reason he is using British words ( Mum , etc . ) here is because that 's how I speak . But then I considered making a point of it for Evan and his mother , for no reason than The Who are English . I am wondering if this fits in with the world . Is it possible for Evan 's mother to have an accent like that , and perhaps her son at least picked up the words she used ? As far as I know from the limited Youtube - video - viewing experience of the English Compilation , the only character with a British accent is Nero from DC ? But maybe I 'm putting more thought into this than Square did , give their " you know what G needs ? Vampire accent " attitude . Well Rosso and G both got vampire accents in the english dub , Weiss basically doesn 't even have lines of his own in the engish dub , so considering the ones that grew up under Shinra 's care as a seperate community and that Genesis ' character in CC was barely in the planning stages , i 'd say Nero 's totally unique to his universe British accent makes the least sense . I mean it 's all stupid but . Is the whole thing written from his perspective ? Dont know if I could do this as an audiobook , but i am tempted as im reading it . I would have to play him myself lol . I couldnt ask someone else to do all that work . It does . I think there 's less confusion about the tenses and what applies to the past versus the present in the narration with Japanese , but in English , it becomes really important . The italics for the internal thoughts are a necessary measure , I think . I also like the idea of giving Evan the English accent . Both because of The Who connection and because . . . well , FFVII needs more characters with the accent . Nero 's always been one of my favorite dubbed voices in the Compilation , despite how random the accent is for him ( no one else in Deepground has that particular accent , including his brother ) . The trouble is who gets to say what counts as an ' accent ' ( as in different from the norm ) ? To me , American English is an ' accent ' Japamese accents / dialects don 't translate directly to English ones . It 's just a choice you make putting stuff into English . FFXII didn 't really have particularly unique accents to warrant giving characters like Balthier British accents ( those more thought seemed to have gone into the geographic influence on accents there than with the Compilations ) . And English accent doesn 't necessarily mean it 's going to be filled with " ey up ah kid , how 's dee doin ' ? " or random Cockney slang . In writing , it 's the difference of a few words here and there . ( Though I notice know Nick might have a bit of one as well , at least in terms of lexicon . ) Hm , I think this is one of Nojimas better openings of a novel if you compare this to some chapters from On the Way to a Smile . To write in Evan 's PoV is a nice choice . Altough he seems to be a little bit to much of an annoying teenager . Xcomp italicised internal dialogues in his OtWtaS translation as well . So it will be easier to see the differences . chapter 1 or part of it When I was fourteen , I took in this grey cat . I found him on the roadside , making the most pathetic meow you could imagine , and brought him home . While I was busy thinking about giving him a cool name , my mother started calling him Grey . That was the kind of person my mother was . It 's a grey cat , let 's call him Grey . I complained , but in the end I couldn 't offer up an alternative . Grey completely ignored the chair and cushion we prepared for him , and spent his time all around the house , pondering cat stuff and sleeping . Then half a year later he must have come to the conclusion that he didn 't belong here , because Grey disappeared somewhere . I was fifteen . I don 't know how old he was . There was a knowing look to my mother 's face when she said this one night while we were reminiscing about Grey . I 'd never thought of leaving home and leaving my mother behind . I wanted to start earning my way so I could help her out . My mother worked in a café during the day , and in a bar from the evening until late into the night . She was constantly exhausted . But when I found a job , there was always some reason to give up on the idea . I think it was down to the illness I used to have . It was my heart . But I had surgery when I was five , so it should be all clear , and since then it 's been absolutely fine . I 've been the picture of health , if I say so myself . " Thank you . But in two years . When you 're seventeen , " she said as she was playing with the waves of her beautiful , though reeking of tobacco smoke , blonde hair with her fingers . " Because I 'm sure Grey was seventeen . " It didn 't make any sense at all . Why would working and leaving home mean the same thing . I thought we should have talked it out , but it was painful to have to talk with her when she was drunk . Half a year later , I saw Grey in the street . Well , a cat that looked like Grey . He had turned into a stray , missing the tip of one of his ears and covered in scars . I called out Grey , and he just looked at me without a hint of enthusiasm . But he soon looked away and started walking off . I followed him , and without even turning around he climbed up the fence of a nearby house and made his way up to the roof . He was now completely out of reach . I want to work , wait a bit - the same conversation played out at regular intervals . Most of my friends were working , and even if they weren 't , they must have at least been earning their own spending money . It felt like they were all up there on that roof , laughing at me . Midgar 's sector six . The end of a business ( busy ? ) street lined with shops and restaurants . Our house was just down an alley nestled between a bookshop and a weaponsmiths , that was damp and reeked of rust . Houses with the kind of basic shapes you 'd see in a kid 's drawing , made of some material that looked like brick , were nestled together . It was apparently used as a housing area for lower level Shinra Company employees for a while after Midgar was completed . Later on , company housing was moved to sectors seven and five . The area was supposed to be demolished , until some rich guy who ran a couple of pubs ( bars ? ) leased them from Shinra for the workers in his businesses to live in . The rent was dirt cheap . A lot of the people who had come to Midgar from the world below , that is rural areas or the slums , with dreams of making something of themselves lived there . Everyone was poor . This was the sort of place for people who didn 't make it among the relatively wealthy populous of Midgar . But everyone agreed that it beat living in the slums . It was about one week before my seventeenth birthday . The sound of the phone woke me up . I could hear Mom talking to someone in a quiet voice . When I got up , she was cleaning the kichen / dining room . Cleaning and tidying - in other words , maintaining order in the home - was my job . Studying at the ( my ? ) teacher 's home , talking with my friends . Wandering around town . Staring at a TV with bad reception . For someone all but devoid of actual responsibilities , this was my sole contribution to our life . I 've never cut corners with it . When I argued that I had done it yesterday , she told me that we had a guest coming over . " I 'd like you to meet him , so can you go get changed ? " she said , without looking at me . Something felt wrong about it , and that hunch proved true . Nick Foley was in his mid - thirties , like Mum . His tall frame was covered by a well - tailored grey suit . Above a light pink neck tie with white dots sat his little , handsome face . He stood in the doorway , a pleasant smile across his face as he looked down at me . With the way he was smiling and introducing himself , it was like he thought we were friends already . If I let my guard down , I might have actually ended up calling him Nick . " You take after your dad , don 't you . " " What , no , I just meant that you don 't look much like your mum . I 've heard what happened . . . Sorry . But you 're a good - looking lad , aren 't you . I bet you do well for yourself with the girls . " I must have been making quite a face , because Nick Foley started looking at my mother for assistance . " Do you want some of this cake Nick brought ? It 's from Mrs . Tosca ! " She made too much of a noise as she set the plates on the table and placed a slice of that overly - decorated cake on them . Eating one of Mrs . Tosca 's insanely expensive mounds of sugar and cream was a treat my mother reserved for when she got paid . She liked to take her time to enjoy it , this little reward to herself . " So here it is . Been wanting to try these cakes ever since I heard about them . Normally I don 't care for sweet stuff at all . " Nick sat in my seat as he rambled on about some pointless crap . Oh God , just die . The smile vanished from my mother 's face . There were three chairs around the table . Out of the remaining two , I sat opposite the enemy . My mother 's seat . She sat in on the chair saved for the rare visitor . Nick Foley must have noticed the chill in the air too . He let out a heavy sigh and looked right at me . He put his elbows on the table and folded his hands in front of his face . " I had wanted to meet you a lot sooner , but I could just never find the time . It 's really cutting it close now . You 've heard about me , right ? " Nick Foley looked at my mother . In a barely audible voice she said she was sorry , she couldn 't bring it up . " - Great stuff . But the arrangements are all set now , so we can 't move the date . We 're leaving Midgar in two days . Get your things ready . " I 've talked it over with your mom several times . You 're just going to have to come along . You are family , after all . I 'll head off home now , but if there 's anything you want to know more about , your mum will - " After sweeping the cake off the table along with the plate , I slammed my foot down on the floor as I got up , and went straight out the front door . The sound of the plate shattering rung in my ears . I felt bad about doing something so unlike me . When I 've calmed down , I 'll go home and talk to Mom . There seems to be a lot of stuff I don 't know . But still , leaving in two days ? Leaving to where ? No . It doesn 't matter where , I don 't want to go . I 'm not going anywhere with that man . I decided to kill time for two days . Then I would go home . If I did that , Nick Foley and my mother 's plans would be shot . It 's probably going to be a little awkward for a while , but what can you do . Things will get back to normal soon enough - I kept thinking to myself as I walked through sector seven to the warehouse block in sector eight . The usual destination for teenage runaways . __________________ ( SPOILER ) When I was fourteen , I took in this grey cat . I found him on the roadside making the most pathetic meow you could imagine and brought him home . While I was busy thinking about giving him a cool name , my mother started calling him Grey . That was the kind of person my mother was . It 's a grey cat , let 's call him Grey . I complained , but in the end couldn 't offer up an alternative . Grey completely ignored the chair and cushion we prepared for him , and spent his time all around the house , pondering cat stuff and sleeping . Then half a year later he must have come to the conclusion that he didn 't belong here , because Grey disappeared somewhere . I was fifteen . I don 't know how old he was . There was a knowing look to my mother 's face when she said this one night while we were reminiscing about Grey . I 'd never thought of leaving home and leaving my mother behind . I wanted to start earning my way so I could help her out . My mother worked in a cafe during the day , and in a bar from the evening until late into the night . She was constantly exhausted . But when I found a job , there was always some reason to give up on the idea . I think it was down to the illness I used to have . It was my heart . But I had surgery when I was five , so it should be all clear , and since then it 's been absolutely fine . I 've been the picture of health , if I say so myself . " Thank you . But in two years . When you 're seventeen , " she said as she was playing with the waves of her beautiful , though reeking of tobacco smoke , blonde hair with her fingers . " Because I 'm sure Grey was seventeen too . " It didn 't make any sense at all . Why would working and leaving home mean the same thing . I thought we should have talked it out , but it was painful to have to talk with her when she was drunk . Half a year later , I saw Grey in the street . Well , a cat that looked like Grey . He had turned into a stray , missing the tip of one of his ears and covered in scars . I called out Grey , and he just looked at me without a hint of enthusiasm . But he soon looked away and started walking off . I followed him , and without even turning around he climbed up the fence of a nearby house and made his way up to the roof . He was now completely out of reach . I want to work , wait a bit - the same conversation played out at regular intervals . Most of my friends were working , and even if they weren 't they must have at least been earning their own spending money . It felt like they were all up there on that roof , laughing at me . Midgar 's sector six . The end of a busy street lined with shops and restaurants . Our house was just down an alley , nestled between a bookshop and a weaponsmiths , that was damp and reeked of rust . Houses with the kind of basic shapes you 'd see in a kid 's drawing , made of some material that looked like brick , were bunched together . It was apparently used as a housing area for lower level Shinra Company employees for a while after Migdar was completed . Later on , company housing was moved to sectors seven and five . The area was supposed to be demolished , until some rich guy who ran a couple of pubs leased them from Shinra for the workers in his businesses to live in . The rent was dirt cheap . A lot of the people who had come to Midgar from the world below , rural areas or the slums , with dreams of making something of themselves lived there . Everyone was poor . This was the sort of place for people who didn 't make it among the relatively wealthy populous of Migdar . But everyone agreed that it beat living in the slums . It was about one week before my seventeenth birthday . The sound of the phone woke me up . I could hear Mum talking to someone in a quiet voice . When I got up , she was cleaning the kichen / dining room . Cleaning and tidying - in other words , maintaining order in the home - was my job . Studying at my teacher 's home , talking with my friends . Wandering around town . Staring at a TV with bad reception . For someone all but devoid of actual responsibilities , this was my sole contribution to our life . I 've never cut corners there . When I argued that I had done it yesterday , she told me that we had a guest coming over . " I 'd like you to meet him , so can you go get changed ? " she said , without looking at me . Something felt wrong about it , and that hunch proved true . Nick Foley was in his mid - thirties , like Mum . His tall frame was covered by a well - tailored grey suit . Above a light pink necktie with white dots sat his little , handsome face . He stood in the doorway , a pleasant smile across his face as he looked down at me . With the way he was smiling and introducing himself , it was like he thought we were friends already . If I let my guard down , I might have actually ended up calling him Nick . " You take after your dad , don 't you . " " What , no , I just meant that you don 't look much like your mum . I 've heard what happened . . . Sorry . But you 're a good - looking boy , aren 't you . I bet you do well for yourself with the girls . " I must have been making quite a face , because Nick Foley started looking at my mother for assistance . " Do you want some of this cake Nick brought ? It 's from Mrs . Tosca ! " She made too much of a noise as she set the plates on the table and placed a slice of that overly - decorated cake on them . Eating one of Mrs . Tosca 's insanely expensive mounds of sugar and cream was a treat my mother reserved for when she got paid . She liked to take her time to enjoy it , this little reward to herself . " So here it is . Been wanting to try these cakes ever since I heard about them . Normally I don 't care for sweet stuff at all . " Nick sat in my seat as he rambled on about some pointless crap . Please just die . The smile vanished from my mother 's face . There were three chairs around the table . Out of the remaining two , I sat opposite the enemy . My mother 's seat . She sat in on the chair saved for the rare visitor we had . Nick Foley must have noticed the chill in the air too . He let out a heavy sigh and looked right at me . He put his elbows on the table and folded his hands in front of his face . " I had wanted to meet you a lot sooner , but I could just never find the time . It 's really cutting it close now . You 've heard about me , right ? " Nick Foley looked at my mother . In a barely audible voice she said she was sorry , she couldn 't bring it up . " - Great . But the arrangements are all set now , so we can 't move the date . We 're leaving Midgar in two days . Get your things ready . " " I 've talked it over with your mother several times . You 're just going to have to come along . You are family , after all . I 'll head off home now , but if there 's anything you want to know more about , your mother will - " After sweeping the cake off the table along with the plate , I slammed my foot down on the floor as I got up , and went straight out the front door . The sound of the plate shattering rung in my ears . I felt bad about doing something so unlike me . When I 've calmed down , I 'll go home and talk to Mum . There seems to be a lot of stuff I don 't know . But still , leaving in two days ? Leaving to where ? No . It doesn 't matter where , I don 't want to go . I 'm not going anywhere with that man . I decided to kill time for two days . Then I would go home . If I did that , Nick Foley and my mother 's plans would be shot . It 's probably going to be a little awkward for a while , but what can you do . Things will get back to normal soon enough - I kept thinking to myself as I walked through sector seven to the warehouse block in sector eight . The usual destination for teenage runaways . And then I got caught in the sector seven plate incident . The several support struts which lift up the massive weight of Midgar 's giant , circular base from the ground below . The seventh strut was blown up by terrorists , bringing the plate down onto the slum below . A lot of lives were lost . At the moment of the explosion , I was at the border of sectors seven and eight . When the city shook from the blast , I instantly ran away in the direction of sector eight . At first I had no idea what was going on . I ran without thinking , following the droves of people . Eventually I learnt that sector seven had collapsed . There was news that sector eight was safe , but nothing certain . I was worried about my mother . I tried to go back home via sector zero in the centre of the city , but that route was sealed off by the Shinra Army on lookout for the terrorists . Having no other choice , I decided to work my way backwards , going through eight , one , two , and so on . The people were afraid of where the next explosion would be . These deranged terrorists had just blown up the sector one mako reactor recently . It was three days later when I reached home , after having gone nearly full circle around Migdar . It took me three days what would have taken one day of walking the shortest distance without resting . I got lost in the unfamiliar streets of sector eight and got into a panic . Before long it was night . The cold breeze that came from the gaps between the warehouses mercilessly sapped the warmth from my body . Cursing my body for its weakness , I looked for a place to lie down . Finally I stumbled across an empty warehouse , and collapsed onto an abandoned mattress . Then out of nowhere appeared a couple of guys looking at me with a nasty glint in their eyes . They were the same age as me , but if I were a house cat , these were strays . They insisted I pay them to use this spot . Claimed those were the rules around these parts . But I had no tender or tributes to have over . In the end giving them someone to vent their dissatisfaction on was how I paid up . It was killing me where they had kicked my back and stomach . A night 's rest didn 't do much in the way of making me feel any better . But I didn 't want to pay the charges again to stay here . More than worrying about my mother , I just wanted to go home . I mustered up the energy and left the stray 's den . I staggered along , taking frequent breaks on the way , and managed to arrive home past noon on the third day . The house was okay . Mum was out , but this is usually when she 's at work . I took some cold medicine and crawled into bed . I fell to sleep as I decided to go see my mother when I got up . It was night - time when I woke . Still wasn 't feeling great . But probably good enough to make it to the pub and back . First I took a shower . I dried myself off with a towel and went back to my room , put some underwear on , and some black pants . I picked an oversized sweater which hid my body to wear on top , a navy blue one . This was the most grown - up combination of clothes in my wardrobe . My tall - but - lanky build was the target of ridicule at the pub . I was certain to end up barraged with the sameJust before I headed out of the door , the thought of leaving my bed a mess started bothering me . When I was straightening out the thin blanket and pillow , I noticed an envelope that had been placed under it . Inside was large sum of money and a letter from Mum . I read the letter . I 'm going with Nick as we planned . We will contact you to tell you where we are as soon as we have settled down . Use the money in the envelope to live on and wait for me to call . Leave half of it to pay for the trip to our new home - the whole thing was utterly impersonal and business - like . The sector seven incident had happened on the day I ran out of the house . She must have known about it and the extend of the damages . But she left with a man without even making sure her own son was safe . And she seems to think that I would just come running when she tells me where she is . I didn 't get it . I went to my mother 's room and opened the closet door . On the hangers were a few outfits for her daytime job that looked a bit too youthful for her age , and several horrible ones for her night job . It looks like she left her work behind too . The clothes she wore off - work that were usually strewn in a mess beneath them were gone . I sat on my mother 's bed for a while , absent - minded . Then I suddenly remembered our family 's little secret , hidden in the ceiling . I brought a chair in from the dining room and placed it in the middle of the room . I got up on it and stretched out my hands , removing one of the ceiling tiles . I gently threw the tile onto the bed , and looked up at the square hole that had opened up in the ceiling . Mum had hidden a chest there . Inside there was money and treasures . The money was her weekly wages , and the treasure were my " first somethings " . My umbilical cord , hair from my first haircut , the first baby tooth I lost - each one creepy anyway you looked at it , but to my mother I guess they were all irreplaceable treasures . As I stuck my hand into the ceiling my fingertips hit the chest . It seemed to have gotten pushed back and I couldn 't grab hold of it . I grabbed hold of the edge of the next tile with both hands , and lifted my body up . I was going to stick my head in to check it out , but the tile broke . I fell , losing my balance atop of the chair , and nearly falling over I landed on the floor . In front of my eyes were pieces of the broken ceiling tile and the treasure chest . There were also two paper bags . When I opened the chest - it was an old wooden cheese box , that I had draw the purple apples I used to like on them in crayon when I was little - all the treasures were still safely there . And the money , which I guess was what was left of her wages . In other words , the money under my pillow wasn 't the money that was here . Then where did it come from ? Nick Piece - of - Shit Foley 's wallet ? Next I opened one of the bags I hadn 't seen before . It was white and brand new . When I looked inside I couldn 't believe it . Mind - bogglingly would be the perfect adjective to describe the amount of money in the bag . I could live comfortably for a year . The money , like the bag , was new . The wrapper on one of the stacks of bills was loose . The money under my pillow seems to have come from here . I felt like I had gotten to the bottom of that mystery , and it started to make sense . But that was not the heart of the problem . Where did all this money come from ? I could only think of one person . Nick Fucking - Loaded Foley . The other paper bag made of a thicker , pale green paper . When I took the tape off the opening , there was a dun - colour leather bag . It had a sturdy build , with a flap with a metal fastener , with the kind of drabness you 'd expect from military equipment or something . It had a strap you could adjust the length of . It was the kind of shoulder bag you 'd think would belong to a grown man , and a hardened adventurer at that . When I opened the flap there was a small card inside the bag . " Happy seventeenth birthday . I hope you become the kind of strong man worthy of this bag . Mum . " My mother had prepared a birthday present for me , hidden it and left . Disappeared with some good - looking man . Left behind a pile of money and her son . How does all of this fit together . I sat on my mother 's bed and thought about it . But it didn 't seem like I was going to find the right answer . My mother would contact me someday . I guess I just have to wait until then . For now , I decided to fix the ceiling . I picked up the broken ceiling tile and got up on the chair , and returned it to its original location . Next the first tile I removed . This one didn 't fit in place properly . My arms started getting tired while I was working on it . I started getting irritable , and had no choice but to face up to the unpleasant reality I just couldn 't shake out of my mind . My mother was short , and even if she stood on a chair she couldn 't reach the ceiling . When I had grown taller than Mum , it was my idea to use the space behind the ceiling as storage . Since then I had been my duty to taking things out of and putting things into the chest . That 's how I knew how much my mother made , how much she had left , and how poor we were . The tall man who looked down at me in the doorway . Nick Son - of - a - Bitch Foley . That man had been in my mother 's room while I was gone . I abandoned the work and went to the phone next to the front door and pulled the cable from the base . They 're going to see how angry I am . Things started getting back to normal . I was going to my teacher 's , talking with my friends , watching TV . I thought about splashing out with the money . But when I thought that it might be Nick Foley 's money I decided against it . No . The truth is I just couldn 't think of anything to do with it . In the end I put the money in the shoulder bag and decided to forget all about it . For nights I couldn 't sleep . One evening I struck on the idea of reading a book . Reading was my mother 's sole hobby . In her room were several books she had finished . I picked out " Escape From Wutai - Part 1 " . Because it was the last one on the end . That 's all . It was an old novel written during the war . The beginning consisted of a lot of scenes of the Wutaians using some weird martial arts to kill the prisoners in the camps . Eventually five of the prisoners slip past a stupid Wutaian and escape the camp . Three men , and two women . There 's one man too many . I figured that someone was probably going to die . Probably this Shinra military officer wanker . However the officer defied my expectations and lived , and started acting like the leader and pushing the other four around . I wished he would die soon . I got my wish near the last page . The officer was blown to bits by one of the land mines the Wutaians had planted . The way he died shocked me . This was the only story my mother had told me about my father . Maybe she got it from this novel . Did she project my father onto this man who was bound to die ? That was probably the case . She must have really hated him . I admired how she could have raised the son of a man like that . No . Maybe it 's exactly because I was the child that man had left behind that , when the time came , she was able to abandon me like this . I thought I was loved , but was that just a mask for her hatred . I threw " Escape From Wutai - Part 1 " against the wall . Like I gave a toss what happened to the other four in the Part 2 . I went back into my mother 's room and looked at her book collection . I could tell from the titles that they were all adventure novels . On the covers were illustrations of what looked like the main characters . They were different sorts of characters , but all women . So my mother loved that kind of novel . The sort of sights and adventures missing from her real life . And , though I didn 't want to think about it , maybe she liked the romance . Was life with me that boring ? Was it painful ? That 's enough . My mother left , and I 'm left behind . I 'm just going to stop thinking about her . I need to think about living on my own . The next day I visited the café she used to work at . The manager , a man with the square forehead and broad shoulders of a retro robot , ranted at lengths about my mother suddenly quitting . I had kind of prepared for this , but it got to me more than I imagined . After a stream of complaints he seemed to remember to ask what I was here for . I told him I wanted a job . From the flow of the conversation I figured I was in for rejection . But the manager called up the owner right then and there . I couldn 't understand what was going on in his mind , but then again I didn 't know how my own mother felt . It 's no wonder I wouldn 't understand a stranger . Surprisingly , I was able to start work soon . The delivery truck that transported the food and drinks to all the owner 's businesses . My job was being his assistant . My predecessor had gotten a job with the Shinra Company and had just gleefully quit this job . It was a fulfilling life . This was the ' joy of work ' . I enjoyed the total change of scenery . Of course , there was never a day I didn 't think about Mum . But still , it got me away from being affected about it 24 / 7 . I put the phone cable back normal about ten days after unplugging it . Maybe my mother had tried to contact me during that time . It 's possible that the phone rang while I was out of the house as well . However , the phone wasn 't the only way to get in touch . The fact there was nothing is a sign that she did abandon me after all . But , whatever . Mum , I hope you 'll be happy . I 'm enjoying my life . The truck driver was a hard boss to work for , but I knew he needed me more than anyone else . I 'd never had that experience before in my life . Regardless of the heavy labour , I wasn 't worried about my heart at all . I 'd gotten confident about that too . What do you think about that , Mum . I started to think those days would last . But the situation quickly changed . The channel seemed to have turned itself over in the middle of a show . Meteor had appeared in the sky above Midgar . This thing that had just suddenly appeared in defiance of all astronomical knowledge looked like a massive black void in the sky . There were rumours going around that the world would end in seven days . Giant monsters had appeared in the north and around Junon , and even Shinra 's prized weaponry couldn 't defeat them . The city was in chaos with dodgy rumours , like you 'd be safe if you hid in the mako reactors or there was an underground shelter Shinra had built in Kalm . The only thing anyone knew for certain was that Meteor was getting closer day by day . The arguments about the truth about Meteor and how to avoid it soon subsided too . The owner closed his shops and left Midgar , and the neighbourhood was filled by the din of people getting ready to evacuation . My friends , the truck driver and other workmates asked me to flee with them somewhere far away , but I just thanked them and declined . Seeing Meteor was the first time in my life I considered death . Then all I could think about was my mother , and the awkward circumstances we had parted in . If I left the house , it felt like I 'd lose all connection to her . I spent the time looking at the few pictures of me and her . There were all taken at the photographer 's on my birthdays . I was standing next to my mother , gradually growing up . After I had gotten taller than her , I started pulling a sulky face in the pictures . My mother was always smiling . I looked at that smiling face and realised how stupid I had been . Mum wouldn 't abandon me . All the things I should have done ran through my mind . If I had gone to the Shinra Company , I might have found out where Nick Foley was . I probably should have put the phone back normal right away and installed an answering machine . And then the answers to the questions I didn 't even try to think about came to me . The purpose of all the money left bAnd then that day came . I survived the day the mako energy , or rather the Lifestream , burst to the surface and wiped out Meteor . For seven days after that , I waited at home for my mother . On the night of the seventh day , I step outside and ended up going down from Midgar to the slums . Now I 'll tell you about something that happened two years later . I 'll probably talk a bit about some of the stuff that happened in those two years as well . I 'd like to pick the best route possible as to avoid getting sidetracked . But as I already said , I 'm not great with making choices . Hopefully you 'll bear with me . I 'll also sometimes bring up things I shouldn 't really know about . Times likes those I 'll use the facts as the basis , and use a bit of imagination to fill in the rest . For example , something like this . Oh god , cliffhanger ! Great job , Hito . So far , I 'm enjoying it a lot . Evan comes across as a believable teenager ; I like the way his atitude keeps changing . The mystery of Nick Foley is intriguing ( I 've already forgotten your summaries ) . I think my favourite bit is the dodgy rumours , like you 'd be safe if you hid in a Mako reactor . This kind of wild rumour - spreading is just the kind of thing that happens in real life . Midgar seems huge . Three days to walk from sector 8 to sector 6 ? Even going the long way round instead of straight across , that makes for an enormous city . Mind you , if they made the game nowadays I 'm sure Midgar would be unimaginably vast . Nice I like how you 've translated it . I particularly like the wanker line lol . Are those nick foley insults direct translations , or have you had to rewrite those ? |
I started taking the Baby steps there a few weeks ago - well I guess it 's been a month . It 's been good for me . I always feel like I have way too much to do . But her main point is " I can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes . " - even the stuff I hate . So the first day we shine our sink . We just took a towel and wiped down the faucets and sink at the end of the day . Then she added one more thing - the swish and swipe in the bathroom . So I 've done these things every day since I started - well , maybe I 've missed a day or two . It sure has helped . DH mentioned the other day that he 's never seen the bathroom looking so good . Of course , because I shine the sink , I can 't leave dishes in the sink . We don 't have a dishwasher , so there is always a dish or two or TEN left after dishes are done and they 've always sat on the counter . Well , her advice is to put a tub under the counter for dishes . Now , to remember that they 're there . : ) So my counters look better than ever . Still have to teach the kids to use the tub under the sink . I did have to move my cleaning supplies , but that 's o . k . Baby A is crawling now and would have found that sooner or later . : ) Anyway , I feel much better about my house . We set the timer , not always , sometimes we just watch the clock and clean a room for fifteen minutes . Flylady . com always has the current zone that we are working on so I don 't even have to remember where to work . She tells me . My house is cleaner and more picked - up than ever before and just in time too , because we have soccer practice four nights a week for the rest of the month . Some nights it 's two kids at two different times , overlapping . But I came home last night to the table set and supper ready and the house looking fairly good for some of the kids being left at home for over two hours . Setting out our clothes the night before helps too . The 27 Fling Boogie is fun . You should have heard my kids laughing as they did it . You 'll have to check out the website to find out what all these things mean . Then there is the 5 minute room rescue . Lots of ways to make cleaning up a little more desirable . Just 15 minutes is nothing . Now when the laundry is done , I try to run over and fold the clothes while I keep the kids on task and then send them for a break from school to put them away . I always felt that it wasn 't fair to them to have them put clothes away more than once a day . But I 've changed it around and told them it 's a break from their school and they don 't seem to mind that at all . Things are looking better at my house because of this lady . Steph The Hebrews , as a whole , were on the fence . Looking for a life of ease , the temptation was to subject themselves to the Law of Moses , in order to escape persecution . But really when you think about it , this doesn 't seem to be a life of ease . As I see it , the Law is much harder than grace . Maybe that 's why we like it so much . It satisfies our need to do something in order to earn what has been freely given . Do I want to stay on the fence ? Really for me , it 's not about being under the Law of Moses . That would be trying to adopt a whole new lifestyle . My desire is to just stay where I am and just keep doing what I 'm doing . No more growth - that 's too painful . No more getting to know people - that 's too uncomfortable . I 'm fine right where I am . I want to be able to whine and pout about things that I don 't like . I want to take control and do things my way . Is that what I want ? Because God is saying to me through His Word that on a daily basis I need to be more conformed to the image of His Son . That means I 'm always going to be learning , uncomfortable with where I am at , seeing the need for more growth . Eeew , yuck ! But what comes with that ? Peace that passes all understanding , seeing progress in my life , not yelling at my kids as much or at all . Oh , well , now that - that is desirable to me . So while it may be difficult , I choose God 's way . I want to choose it all the time . So what does the author to the Hebrews tell us the first step is ? ( Heb . 6 : 1 ) Leave the elementary principles . Hello ! ! ! ! Move past Kindergarten , folks ! Those are the building blocks , the foundation . Start working on the structure ! So I need to dig deeper and longer in the Word of God . I need to seek ways to understand these truths more . Yes , I have distractions . I need to teach my distractions that there are times that Mommy needs to focus on God 's Word . I need to look for opportunities to study His Word . Let 's pursue knowing Christ better each day . In 2000 , we took off for Indonesia . Another couple arrived around the same time as we did and we found a house to live in together to study language . It was a crazy house for us to rent as it had porches and hanging walkways and we , between us , had three kids and they were all 3 and under . After language study , we headed to Jakarta , to stand in for the guest home host and hostess . We enjoyed the church there and had Bible studies with some of the believers there . We were there for about 9 months . Our third son , Waterman , was born there . We then moved to the island of Borneo . We continued our language study some as we looked around for a place we could serve . We didn 't do a lot of looking , but pursued going back to the same village where Jeff had grown up . God seemed to be leading us in that direction . I had three boys under 3 years old , and was trying to learn the language . My husband had a head start because he still remembered the language . So there was a girl , who came to live with us and she helped me with the boys and the housework so I could study . In May of 2001 , we moved in to the house in the tribal location where Jeff had grown up , and even to the house he 'd lived in as a child . The girl , who had moved in with us , moved along with us . What a blessing it was to have her with us ! She was from this tribal area , but not the village we were in . She helped e with language even before we moved . It seemed like living in paradise with a banana grove right outside our office window and red hibiscus flowers in the background . A beautiful river flowed right outside our house . When it wasn 't raining and flooded , the river was clear and shallow - perfect for three little boys to cool off in . Because our river flooded during heavy rains , we decided to build a fence to keep our children from wandering to the river . The next day we were getting ready to have company for supper . Jeff was working on a swing set out in the back yard . Since the girl , L - , and I were busy with supper , we sent all three boys outside to watch Daddy . This was Waterman 's first time playing outside as he was just walking well . Daddy and I thought it would be fine for him to be out there , but L - didn 't know about it . L - came and said , " Since the river is flooded , I think I won 't take the boys to the river with me while I bathe . I 'll just bathe them up here at the house . " Bathing in the village usually took place in the river . The girls have tube cloths that cover them like a dress , and they are super talented at getting bathed in those things . I , on the otherhand , never learned well how to do it . I thought that would be fine , and I would take mine at the house as well , because I was busy with supper , etc . L - finished up with her bath and then got ready . When she was done she came in and told me she 'd get the boys and bathe them . She went outside and grabbed the boys and brought them in and bathed Sharpie and Jones . Problem was she didn 't even know Waterman was out there and didn 't see him when she went to bring in the boys . So she came to get Waterman and that was the first we realized there was a problem . Waterman was nowhere in sight and at 17 months he wasn 't talking much yet , so calling for him wasn 't working . I ran to the fence to check the gates . L - stayed with the boys . Daddy ran the other way toward a fish pond . The fence 's gates were shut . So I turned toward where my husband was going when he called , " He 's in the fish pond . " I rounded the corner just in time to see him pulling my baby out of the water . His skin looked like a porcelain doll . He wasn 't breathing . I ran to go get help . Thankfully , our company was a trained nurse and her husband who had come to visit . But they were quite far away . As I ran I passed a house that was on the way , these people were co - workers of ours , so I called to them that Waterman had fallen into a pond and wasn 't breathing and kept running . When I arrived at our Western co - workers house , where the nurse was staying , I was out of breath . We all came running back to help my husband do CPR . When we got back there was a crowd of people around my husband . They were telling him to move the baby to the porch where it was clean and not to push so hard - " You might break a bone . " My dear husband ( dh ) just kept working where he was . He didn 't figure moving him was as important as getting him to breathe , and that a broken bone was better than death . I stayed away from where they were working because I didn 't want to get in the way . Or maybe it was because I was too afraid to watch my baby die . We were all sure he was dead . We don 't know how long he wasn 't breathing - I had time to cross the river twice to get our Western co - workers for help , and then we all crossed that same river two times and still it seemed forever . Testimonies shared later told us that at different times someone was giving up while another was renewed with hope . They took turns doing CPR . There was no time to find a heartbeat , breathing was the goal . I was away from them praying out loud in the tribal language that God would do His will in Waterman 's life . It 's amazing how much can go through your mind in a short time , but my mind was reeling with all the different outcomes that could happen and I knew that I couldn 't figure out what was best , so I was o . k . with God choosing . My dh was reminded of the fact that I was expecting our fourth , and was sure that Waterman was gone . So he was thinking that God had provided another not to replace Waterman , but to help us with our grief . After awhile , one of co - workers noticed his mouth twitch . Dh had seen it too and thought it was just the end . Waterman started breathing soon after and we took him to the porch and started to warm blankets for him to warm him up . During this time , Sharpie was trying to see his little brother and stood up on the bench . He fell off and split his forehead open on the swing dh had been making when all this happened . So I picked him up and laid him on the kitchen table . I knew my baby would be fine with someone else holding him as he was still in a coma , but my little boy needed his mama . Sharpie was just four , and Jones was three . Someone said , " Hey this is like Job , grab the other kid before something happens to him . " So Jones was quickly scooped up and snuggled safely in someone 's arms . We watched Waterman carefully . It was too late to call the plane , a little six seater that could take us to the Baptist hospital . It was a half hour to come from town and then an hour to the hospital . This was evening and the plane would make it in , but not be able to leave until morning . We called the hospital on the radio and they told us that they wouldn 't be able to do anything anyway . They would just be able to watch for fever . So we watched . He was in a coma for another 8 hours . When he came out oAround one , the next afternoon , he started a fever . We quickly called the plane . The weather was looking bad , but the pilot said he and the new guy would come in anyway . We hurried to get ready . Sharpie and Jones would stay with our co - workers who were like Grandpa and Grandma to them . This couple was there as well as their daughter , who was like an aunt to the boys . We hopped into the plane , and took off as soon as we could . The weather was looking bad and a storm was coming up , but the pilot wanted to make sure that Waterman made it to the hospital . I remember riding in the plane with lightning all around praying that God would protect us and little Waterman was just smiling at me and playing . I remember thinking , " Did we really need to go through this storm to get you to the hospital ? You look fine to me . " He recovered , as far as I can tell completely . A few years later , a person who had taken training in early childhood development was caring for him for a week with a bunch of toddlers , while we parents were in a conference . I asked her about it and she said she couldn 't tell at all A month later I miscarried . It was very difficult , but one thing that helped me was thinking of Waterman 's accident and knowing that I already had so much time invested in him . I felt that it would be hard to lose him than the little one that I 'd only known about for a month . Not saying that it was easy , but just that I think God helped me to look at it that way so that it wouldn 't be unbearable . We were sick a lot during that time . I think it was just being newbies and not being used to the germs and such that were there . My husband and Sharpie also had real problems with malaria and were on meds for that quite a bit In fact I remember once that they both had it and then six weeks later they had it again . It 's pretty scary having your little one screaming about spiders on the wall ( hallucinations ) because of the medicine that helps him get over malaria . Two were even in the hospital with potential cerebral malaria , which is even scarier too . Around the beginning of 2003 , I was expecting again . So we took a trip to the Baptist hospital to see how things were going . We found out that I was expecting a girl , but that her brain was not forming properly . She had " water on the brain " . The hospital was not prepared to handle this so it was either Singapore or America . We chose America because our boys could stay with Grandpa and Grandma . I wanted dh to be with me through what looked like it would be a hard experience . Dh went with me to the first doctor appointment in the US . When they did the ultrasound , neither of us saw what we had seen at the Baptist hospital . The brain looked symmetrical to us and seemed to be fine . The doctor told us exactly the same thing . Our little Bugaboo was born in Wisconsin . At this point everyone in our family had been born in a different state or country . We are so thankful to God for our two miracles . And now you know why I call him Waterman . Posted by I haven 't finished my story yet - not sure I 'm ready to . The time in Indonesia was filled with bittersweet memories . I would say that will be my toughest story to write , and I will , but not today . I want to write about surrender . A friend recently returned a book I 'd forgotten about called " Dangerous Surrender " by Kay Warren . I started reading in it and it seems to be touching something in my life that is needing to be addressed . Awhile back I asked a friend to do some vinyl lettering for me . The words I wanted in my kitchen were " Spend yourself and your light will shine in the darkness . " I know I 've written about it before but I 'm not sure if it was in this blog or not . The verse is in Isaiah 58 : 10 , and I 've left out some parts so it fits where I want it . The words still remind me of the full content of the verse . Isaiah 58 : 10 says , " and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed , then your light will rise in the darkness , and your night will become like the noonday . " Actually all the verses around it are so encouraging . What am I saying ? It 's God 's Word , so of course it is . But especially to this whole idea of surrender . I get the idea of " Go get exhausted on behalf of the needy . " OOPS ! Better stop complaining at home when there are things to do , because it should start there . And when we complain about all that we need to do in front of the kids , it breeds complaining hearts and whiny attitudes . Not fun . I 'm not sure I can explain how this all fits together . The questions running through my mind are : " Is my heart soft and compassionate to those around me or have I hardened it to the pain of life ? " " Is there a time to buck up and shake it off and go through it ? " My fears are if I allow myself to succumb to tears there won 't be an end , and yet I want to be moved with compassion . Can I have both ? My desire is to surrender to God 's will for my life , even if it means that I 'll never have a minute to myself , or that I 'll fall into bed exhausted because I worked almost until bedtime . But at the same time , I 'm thinking , " What if it hurts ? " I already know the answer to that one . It will ! ! ! But the rewards will be beyond imaginations so it 's worth it . Do I really want to get involved ? Staying in my home would be so much easier . Not allowing the hurt of others or my own to enter my heart seems better and more desirable . Am I expressing that compassion to my children or am I saying , " Oh , don 't see any blood , you must be fine . " But when they see their puppy lying on the back porch and their eyes fill up with tears , there is no blood to be seen . But they need someone to love them through it . I don 't want to tell them to quit crying and shake it off . It really does hurt and pain is part of life . I do want them to see that life for that puppy would be awful . Even if we could will her to live somehow for our own sakes , it would be selfish on our parts . That death was better for her than suffering in order for us to be happy . There is growth I think in allowing ourselves and others to process what happens . When the boys first brought her in , I saw that she was badly hurt . Her hip was broken and the leg too . She was hardly moaning and just laying there . At that point the kids didn 't not want her to be put to sleep . Daddy wasn 't home yet , so I called him . He asked us to wait until he got home . As we checked on her and I saw the signs of death , the kids and I talked about what was better for Angel . We didn 't even know if she was paralyzed or not . It was a very stressful evening , but we learned a few things . It 's better to keep moving than to sit and think - whether it 's cleaning or even just sitting next to Angel . We learned that sometimes God says no when we ask for something . So how can I be the person that God wants me to be , someone who 's compassionate and yet not a basket case who has to have a box of kleenex around all the time ? I think of the words " Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice . " That 's what I 'm striving toward . But I don 't know the answers to all of my questions . I think I 'm going to keep learning on this one . God took my best friend home to be with Him , and three months later I met the man I would later marry . He gave me a different best friend . At that time in my life , I still had questions about why God would take my mom home . But He was continuing to work out His plan for me . I remained at the missions institute I was at in Wisconsin . That summer the missionary couple that I had been writing for 4 or 5 years wrote and said that two of their children would be at a conference that was taking place in May . Our school was hosting the conference or serving at it or something . I was glad to know that finally after so many years I would finally get to meet someone from this family . Little did I know that I was about to meet my future husband . My husband and his sister showed up and we talked some . My roommate was also from Indonesia . Through some circumstances and misunderstandings we ended up with an hour or so to talk . He seemed to want to go into missions but had some things that were blocking him from doing so . He was going on a missions trip . We wrote that summer and God took away the problems keeping him from missions . He ended up moving to Wisconsin to the school I had just graduated from . I , in turn , moved to Missouri for the last step of training - the language institute , where I learned how to study unwritten languages . In January , we were engaged . So I moved back to work as a secretary in Wisconsin so we would have time to get to know each other . We married in June and then moved to the language institute to finish our training together . Our first son , who I call Sharpie in this blog , was born there . One month later we moved to Nebraska . We lived in our house there and fixed it up . During our time there our second son , Jones was born . We were able to spend a lot of time at the church that my husband called his " home " church . I grew to feel that it was my family as well . When Jones was about 6 months old , we moved to Wisconsin near where my parents and in - laws lived and studied Indonesian with some veteran missionaries and also some missionaries who were Indonesian . We were there for a few months when our visas came through and we prepared to head to Indonesia . We were so excited . Graduation was over . I had decided to attend the Bible school where my dad had worked and so didn 't even have to move , except up the stairs to the girls ' dorm . I enjoyed settling in and working at the job I had started in high school - McDonalds . ( My kids are soooo jealous . ) I remember long afternoons with my Bible open and a journal and just soaking it all in . My parents moved to a different school because there was an opening at a missions school in Pennsylvania . I remember that my relationship with my mom changed that year . I longed to talk with her and to hear her voice . I may not have shown it much but in my heart I 'd always been a Daddy 's girl . I kept every letter he wrote me . I had been the typical teenager and couldn 't wait to leave home , but when I did I found out that I still needed my parents . The Bible school that I went to had a prayer program for missionaries who were working overseas . I was assigned to a couple who worked in Indonesia . The wife wrote back faithfully and I loved getting to know this couple . At the end of my first year , my parents headed back to the Philippines . Mom wasn 't completely better , but seemed to be improving . As I look back now , I was pretty selfish . I don 't really remember helping all that much or even knowing what was going on . My brother and sister would be attending Faith Academy and I knew they would love it . I was enjoying where I was and all my friends weren 't at Faith anymore anyway , so I wasn 't too jealous . The month I particularly remember was October . It was my second and final year at Bible School . My boyfriend broke up with me , seemingly for spiritual reasons . Turns out it was for another girl . I tripped in an indoor soccer match and fell headlong into a wall . I ended up in the hospital with a mild concussion . The rooms were full of ladies in delivery so I was in the hall on a gurney with bright lights shining in my eyes . Let me tell you , bright lights + concussion = major , major headache . I remember Heather staying with me through at least part of my time in the ER . God gave me wonderful friends . Right on the heels of this all , ( I think it was within the same week as the concussion because I remember still being on pain medication and intensifying headaches ) came the news from Mr Sullivan . I remember he called me into his apartment . His wife was there sitting on the couch . I thought I was in trouble , but couldn 't think what I 'd done . He told me the awesome news that my parents were coming home . All I could think was , " Why ? They just got there . It had only been three months . " While these thoughts were spinning around in my head , he told me , " Your mom has cancer . " My headaches were back with a vengeance . They were coming right away and it was October . They would be living in the same building as me again at least for the time being . But they needed coats and clothes and all of that was at my grandma 's house . I couldn 't drive because of the medication I was still on for those headaches . Caleb was a good friend in my class . His brother , Joe , and my sister were dating . He and I had both grown up in the Philippines . We were acquaintances at the most there , but while we were in Bible School we became good friends . He drove me to my grandma 's house . I remember teasing him for driving over the lines , which he immediately did even more of just to get me laughing . He didn 't say a lot , but I knew he was hurting with me . I don 't remember picking my parents up . I 'm sure I was there . I don 't even really remember my final year . There are pictures of my mom sewing my sister 's wedding dress . She married Joe the summer she graduated from high school . Everything is a blur . My mom 's cancer was Hodgkins Lymphoma - the most treatable kind . I believe it was at the end of that year that she went into remission . My dad was packing them up to move back to the missions institute in Pennsylvania . He asked if I would consider coming and helping , or maybe I asked him , not sure which . But I jumped at the chance . It was a wonderful time for me . I sat at my mother 's knee and watched as she grew more and more like Christ with each passing day . She taught me so much and so did my dad and my little brother those two years . Mom was sick again , not so much with cancer , but with whatever it was that had been the problem right before my senior year . In fact , as soon as the chemo was over , it had started up again . Things bothered her , but she didn 't break out in hives or rashes . She called it getting " fuzzy " . She couldn 't think straight if perfume was worn near her and progressively it got worse . After two years helping out at home , I decided I would continue my studies toward my passion - being a missionary . I didn 't know how long it would be before Mom would be better and I felt torn . But that summer I packed up my car and headed to Wisconsin . My parents were so supportive . Later I was told by one of my mom 's best friends that she was so happy I had decided to become a missionary . I continued to keep in touch with the couple I had been assigned to during Bible school . They had moved back to the States . They were a source of great encouragement as I started my own journey toward missions . That year , while I was gone , things got much worse . I don 't think Mom wanted Dad telling me how much worse . She wanted me to continue studying . I went home for spring break and saw how much worse things were . She was 100 % dependent on my dad and it was round the clock care . He tried everything . He had even tried taking her to the hospital , but that made her way worse and so she wasn 't going to do it again . She knew the cancer was back , but wasn 't going to do chemo again ever . Not long after spring break , she died . God was preparing my heart . I remember begging Him to take her . " She 's suffered enough , " I said . " If she 's suffering to help others , many people have been encouraged by her story , isn 't that enough . Maybe the miracle I 've been praying for for 4 years is not what You want , maybe you want to do a complete miracle and perfect her body by taking her to be with You . Please take her to be with You . " Glimpses of guilt would pop up later on when I remember this prayer . But God gently reminded me , " It was you saying the words , but I was planting the thought there , so that you would be ready . " I am so thankful that I chose to spend two years of my life , helping my dad care for her and for the house . It was the time when my mom became my best friend . I know my dad was her best friend , but she was mine . I could tell her anything without fear of rebuke . I knew where she stood , but I also knew I had her ear whenever I needed someone to listen without judging . My parents watched me go through some things that I 'm sure they bit their tongue on . But I know that they were on their knees praying and that it was because of that that circumstances changed or my heart did . What a legacy they have left me ! I 'm so blessed . ' After my seventh grade year being homeschooled , I went back to the dorm I had been in for 6th grade . My parents were no longer the dorm parents , but we had great dorm parents that year . For ninth grade it was back to homeschooling , and after algebra , my mom said " Never again . " But it didn 't matter too much as we were off to the States to see grandparents again . We loved our " furlough " as we called them then . It was always fun to see our grandparents and aunts and uncles that we hadn 't seen for four years . We lived near my dad 's parents again on a church property . We loved getting to know the pastor . I think he and his wife had the biggest impact on our family . It 's not easy travelling around to different churches . I didn 't like it much at all . Usually when we arrived at a church , we hung around helping Mom and Dad set up . It took us a long time to warm up to the other kids there . Then about an hour or so before we were leaving , we started having a great time with them . We always wished we would get over the shyness sooner , but never did . We headed back and my parents prepared to send my sister and I to boarding school at Faith Academy in Manila . My sister was in 9th grade and I was 11th . So by now , I 'm on my third type of schooling in three years - homeschool , public school for 10th grade where the geometry teacher was wowed by whoever had taught me Algebra , and 11th boarding . My mom took little credit for my Algebra teaching , she figured she was no good at it , so it must have been God who got me through all that . I would have to say Faith Academy and my 6th and 8th grade years were my absolute favorite school years . Not that I did well . I did awful in Chemistry despite the fact that my lab partner was got straight A 's and helped me study . I almost failed that class . But the family type atmosphere was great for me . Everyone was away from home except those whose parents worked in Manila . We all knew what it was like to be so far from our parents and consequently , it seemed to me , treated each other as siblings . The end of that year I was so excited to come back for my senior year . It would be so much fun . Plus it would be my first time ever to do two school years in a row at the same school . That meant a lot to me . I had a best friend and she and I and two others were in a Bible study with one of the elementary teachers . It was a great time of growth for me . If I remember right , my dad came to get my sister and I . On the way home he told us that we were heading to the U . S . It seems we hadn 't understood or he had waited to tell us that my mom was very sick . Because it wasn 't furlough time yet , we stayed " on duty " as it were . We moved to the Bible school in the town where I was born . It was a different building . My dad would be the teacher for the prayer program while we figured out what was up with Mom . Nothing was making sense . We didn 't know what her sickness was . My parents listened to advice from others who worked at the school and sent us to a Christian school in town . I remember thinking it should be like Faith because we were all believers , right ? But found it was very different and felt that there was hypocrisy . It was a growing time for me as I had to deal with the hurt of something that was monumental to me - going back to Faith for my final year . God provided me with a best friend . She was new as well , and also was an MK . We were both seniors and it was nice to have someone to be new with . We did everything together and we lived in the same place . Her parents were students , so they lived in the huge building that we lived in and many other students and teachers lived in . It turned out to be a good year after all . The Australian family was a lot of fun to work with . Their children were younger than we were , so we were able to watch them while our parents had meetings or worked . The Australians have a different language than we do , not really but some days it seemed like it . We had to learn what " nappies " , " tins " , and " nursing the baby " . Nappies are diapers , tins are cans , and " nursing the baby " means to hold a baby . At this point in our lives we didn 't have an airstrip . So supplies were brought in by truck . I can 't remember how many hours it took on a good , dry day , but on a bad day , it could take the whole day to get in . But by plane , it would only take a little over a half hour . So we started working on a strip . There was a huge rock in the middle , and no matter how we tried to angle the strip , the rock had to go . So my dad wore him self out pounding away at the rock . We even tried building a fire around the rock and then pouring water over it . It took us a long time to get the rock out , which we eventually did . In the meantime , the pilot and our team worked out a way for them to drop supplies in from an airplane . It cost a lot more than the plane coming in and landing , as they had to fly in circles while they dropped as many boxes as they could in a pass , but saved us all the time of travelling to town to get our own supplies . The supply - buyer had to learn how to pack things so that they wouldn 't crush other things or be crushed . The pilot found men , who were willing to hang on in the back with the door open and who were strong enough to pitch as many boxes in one pass as possible . This saved us money as it took fewer passes . I remember the record being 24 boxes in a pass and it was the older brother of a classmate of mine from the year before . Sometimes we had scrambled eggs on the day of the flight . One time we lost a huge bag of flour to a puddle . And they even figured out how to drop the gas bottles we needed for our stove . We stayed pretty clear the first time we tried that . But it worked , with a parachute and all . And then the excitement . Hauling all the boxes home and opening them all . It was like Christmas every six weeks . We would always open the mail first - all of it . What a joy to hear news of home ! It was back in the days before e - mail and our only connection with the outside world was a radio conversation twice a day during the week . The news was always old . It took about 2 weeks at that time to get a letter from the U . S . So there were times when it was a couple of months before we received a response to our letter . Then , after the mail , came choosing what to have for lunch . Fresh meat , cheese , peanut butter - all those things we 'd been craving were in those boxes and it was sooo fun to pick what to eat from the bunch . Usually there was some fresh fruit which we hadn 't had for over a month , unless there was some fruit growing nearby . Where we lived there was always the threat of rebel activity and we never knew when they may show up and tell us to leave . They had done it before . I remember seeing them in their camouflage uniforms and the people around being very nervous . When our co - worker came to give her order over the radio , she 'd gotten used to asking Mom for help . She never ended up with what she wanted . One time she ordered a packet of Tide ( now this has to last for 6 - weeks ) , and she got a packet of Tide ( one load 's worth ) , but what she had meant at least to an American was a box of Tide . So she knew that if she wanted her order right have an American read it and see if it was ready . So Auntie Pam brought over the order one day during all this rebel activity , and Mom read it over . " Oh , no , no , no , " Mom said , " This will never work . You can 't order this . In fact , what do you even mean by this ? " Aunt Pam leaned over and glanced at the line Mom was pointing to . " Oh , yeah , a dummy . Naomi needs a dummy , because she keeps losing them . " Mom looked at her with a strange look on her face . Naomi was their little one year old , but why would she need a dummy ? So Aunt Pam asked , " What do you think a dummy is ? " " Oh , a pacifier . Well , " Mom replied thoughtfully , " I 'm not sure what the rebels would think if they say " people " falling from the sky into our backyard . And that is what the supply buyer would think you wanted . " We all had a good laugh about this . But it wasn 't all fun . We had to know exactly what to do if they did show up on our doorstep . So we devised a plan . And then I remember the time when all of those plans came into action . I was thankful that our co - workers with their little girls weren 't there . We were in trouble . We needed to get out , but there was a conflict going on both sides of us and we couldn 't go up the road or down the road because either way they would think we were on the other side . We were trying to make contact with town to get out of there , but the airstrip wasn 't functional yet . Finally , we were told they would bring a helicopter in the morning . We were all pretty scared , so we all bunked down in the girls ' room . I slept with my sister , and my brother was in my bed and my parents on the floor . I was not going to fall asleep . I wanted to be awake to hear any noises if they were going to come . All of the sudden I thought I heard the dog growling . After a minute , I realized that I had been snoring and woken myself up . We were flown out the next morning . The rescuers wondered why we were crying . We knew we were leaving our friends ( the village people ) in the midst of a conflict . My brother told them , " We can leave but they can 't . We love them . ) And we did . . . very much . We were able to go back , but the people were worried . So everytime someone heard rumors of trouble , one of the men my dad trusted would come to the house and quietly say , " You need to go on a vacation . " And as we drove out to town in our white vehicle , the people would call and ask where we were going , Dad would say , " On vacation . " and they would all look at each other smile , and say , " Ohhh , on vacation ! " They knew what it was all about . My parents met in college , I 'm pretty sure it was Central Michigan University . They both were interested in missions and after they married , they attended a Bible school in Michigan . My mom had wanted to be a missionary ever since she found out that missionaries weren 't perfect from one who came and spoke at their church and really messed it up . So God uses even times when we totally flop to continue to work His will in people 's hearts . Praise Him ! I was born 10 months after they were married and while they were still at Bible School . Bible School at that time must have only been a year , because my little sister was born less than a year later in Florida while they were at the Missions Institute . Our little brother came along 2 1 / 2 years later , between their times at Language School . I 'm sure it must have been a challenge to go through their schooling with three little ones underfoot , but God took them through it . My parents went to the Philippines to serve as missionaries . The story my mom told was that as we were getting off the plane , maybe in Manila ( but somewhere on the journery ) , my dad was ahead getting the luggage . She had my brother , who lost his first birthday on the plane somewhere , and my little sister and I who were 3 and 4 at the time . Getting off and on planes then was not nearly the same as it is now . Narrow walkways which contain children are now in place . There are no stairs . But then , when we got to the door with my mom holding my brother and trying to figure out which one of us to trust alone , there was the stairway to the runway with a high thin railing . Both of us were so little we could have fallen between the rail and the steps to the asphalt below . A businessman , impatiently pushed Mom aside and grabbed my little sister 's hand , said to my mom , " Ma ' am , this is not the way to travel . " Then he took my little sister down the stairs with him . My mom always chuckled a bit when she told us this story . She was grateful that a stranger was willing to help , though I 'm sure at the moment she was terrified at where he may have been taking her little girl . What a new place they had come to ! The smells and sights and sounds were completely different to anything Mom had ever experienced . My dad , being the son of an Airforce man , had lived in other countries before , but probably wasn 't prepared for a third - world country . It was hot and steamy , I 'm sure . The traffic in Manila is always interesting and very loud . I 'm not sure what transportation they had that first day . I believe someone met them at the airport . They weren 't going to leave the newbies to find their way through that huge city on their own . What we found when we arrived was family . A huge group of people all connected to the same cause and loved one another . I saw it through the eyes of a little child . I can 't remember anyone who didn 't bend down to speak to the little ones . We were well - loved . As I look on it now , I see older missionaries , whose children were in America , missing their own little grandbabies . So they adopted us . I loved it . Conference time , which came once a year , was a blast . We always had so much fun . My parents moved to a different city nearby and there they learned the national language , Tagalog . We went to Manila sometimes for paperwork and other things , but we had a house in the other city , that we rented . I remember it , only for the one and only experience of being bit by a dog . I can see the cement fence around our yard that sloped and peaked like mountains when it came to the next post . I remember singing the little songs that were a mixture of Tagalog and English . My sister and I clown around with it once in awhile still . It was a good time . After a year there , my parents decided to go on a new venture . A couple were just opening up a work in the southern island of Mindanao and my parents were going there to join that couple . One story I remember vividly was when we first moved there . I don 't think we were in our permanent housing yet . I 'm not sure exactly , but there were a few apartments that opened into a courtyard . I remember that my parents told us not to talk with anyone who came into the courtyard until they could get to know them . But we disobeyed and got into trouble . Through our disobedience we met Ate ' ( Older Sister ) Honey and Kuya ( Older Brother ) Ed . They became a vital part in helping us learn the language . If I 'm not mistaken , they became believers through their relationship with my parents and others . In the process there was another couple that also wanted to go , so we decided to live in the same huge house together for Language study . In some ways this may sound crazy , but I think it worked well for our families , though there may have been struggles , I 'm not sure . All I knew was they had kids . Their oldest daughter was not quite a year younger than I and a day younger than my sister . I insisted that she should be my best friend as she was the oldest and my sister insisted that they were best friends because they were the same age . No one ever thought that we could all be friends , but that 's what happened . Her little sister was my brother 's age . So we got along well . We must have because our parents decided to start a work together , which means that they would move to a tribal village and serve there together . We lived there for three years , I think before my sister and I went to a place near Manila to go to boarding school . I was in fourth grade and she was in third at the time . The best part was that our aunt and uncle served at this place . Language study wasn 't easy for my parents . Mom and Dad when they first moved to the village would study nouns for hours after they learned the questions " What is this ? " and " What is that ? " After learning the visible nouns , Mom and Dad had a few that they wanted to learn that weren 't in sight at the moment . So Mom started describing the thing she was hoping to get the word for . " It 's long and thing and has a brush on one end . You put stuff on the little brush and clean your teeth with it . " After awhile of explaining and describing this tool , one of the little old ladies , who looked like they could use one , said , " Ahhh , tootbrus . " Seriously ? Another day , Mom was looking for the word for someone who works in the house , helping out . In the Philippines , it was expected to have help so that you could get all your studying done . So for about a half hour she explained the duties etc that this person would have . Finally , someone figured it out , " Oh , maid " . Trying to tell them that it was an American word just with their accent didn 't matter , according to them it had been in their language since the beginning of time During that time my parents found that I had thyroid disease . I look at the pictures now and see me with eyes bulging and a huge neck , little scrawny bony build , not pretty . So after trying to care for me there , they decided to go home . Not sure what caused them to take an early home assignment , but remembering my arm turning purple while they tried to find a needle to draw blood was probably one reason . My mother was a trooper , and Dad too . I would have to fast before these blood draws and they never drew blood till 10 a . m or so , so McDonalds , such as it was then , was on the menu for lunch . Home assignment took us to my dad 's home . We lived near them that year and a half . Then when we returned it was to my parents being dorm parents . And so enter , two people I now call brother and sister , but that will come later . I thought I had always had a wonderful life , but I think this year was my favorite . I had a best friend who 's name was Stephanie as well and her dad called us " Stephanie squared " . She was quite a bit older than I and I 'm thankful for her friendship . I was the only girl in the fifth and sixth grade with five boys . We had a spring on the property where we would go and swim almost every day after lunch and before school started again . Paradise . We would play games at night as a group . It was just a lot of fun . From this year on , I never went to the same school two years in a row . Oh , yeah , and the pilot from our mission lived about a half hour to an hour away so his two kids came to school and stayed in my parents ' dorm . I love hearing them tease my dad now about the things we used to do . They are now , brother and sister to me , as their mom married my dad . After that year , there weren 't enough kids for another year , so we moved back to the tribal group we 'd been in but a different place . There were lots of reasons for that , but I 'm not sure what they all were . Also our co - workers were no longer in the picture , and as a kid , I never wondered about that too much . So we gained some new co - workers , some Aussies . And those stories I 'll save for a different day . I 've been waiting to hear back from him - the man who said these words . Many times during the last weeks , I have thought about what he said on that day . I don 't even know his name , but he has changed my life . A couple of weeks ago , a white car pulled into our driveway . We don 't have a lot of guests , so I wondered who it could be . Most of our friends drive suburbans or bigger vehicles . As I ran around trying to find my shoes , I wondered what they would need , and if I would possibly have enough time to help them and yet find my house in order when I returned . " Please don 't need a long conversation . " I thought . Nine children left to themselves gets chaotic in minutes . Taking them outside on this cold morning would require bundling them up and I just wanted to get out there and get this taken care of . As I walked out , he got out of his car . I could see someone in the front seat - his wife , no probably his mother . She didn 't look up as I approached the car and asked if there was anything I could do for them . He asked if we owned the sawmill that sat over near the barn , and if we do much sawing with it . I told him it was ours , that we hadn 't had it for long and so weren 't super experienced with it . We talked for awhile about prices to cut up logs etc . , and I confessed I knew little about my husband 's prices as he didn 't use it much in his business . Then he started explaining his interest in the sawmill . " My wife " he pointed in the direction of the car , " has Alzheimer 's . It 's getting so bad it takes me an hour just to feed her one meal . I need to sell my land and farm as I can 't do it anymore . " My heart broke as he shared his situation . His kids lived too far away to help him farm and now , before he would normally have retired , he was selling out . He shared his desire to cut down some of the trees he 'd been nurturing and then have them sawn into boards so he could at least have a piece of his land to take with him . I gave him my husband 's phone number and urged him to call . He turned to go and then stopped and came back . " When Alzheimers takes one , it always takes two . " I didn 't understand what he was talking about . He continued , " You never think about those meaningless conversations before bed , or the chitchat around the table , until it 's gone . Treasure those moments . Don 't forget what it means to have a strong partner by your side . To a farmer it means knowing she 's at home and ready to drive truck when I need her , or just bring a meal out to the field so I don 't have to go in . Now , it takes a long time just to do anything even as simple as eating a meal . Don 't forget , o . k . ? " As he got ready to leave , I shared with him about my dad and how he would understand , how my mom declined slowly . He lost her as a spouse , as a friend and finally she depended on him full 24 hours a day until she went home to be with the Lord . I 've seen it , but not experienced it fully . So , as I went to help my man cut down two pine trees in a lady 's yard , I thought about his words . As I prepared his lunch to take to work , I pondered what he had shared . When I sent my boys out to help their dad , I thought more about this . I want to be that strong partner and to treasure the moments I have to share the load with my husband . My tendency some days is to complain . I 'd rather be sitting at home with my feet up . But this man 's words remind me each day to live it up , enjoy what I 've been given , because all too soon this season in my life will be over . Despite the hard days , there will be things I will miss about this season . He called the other day . I was surprised , it had been a couple of weeks . I went out to see him when he was bringing the logs over . " Bet you didn 't think you 'd ever hear from me . " He said . " I 'm so glad you called . " I said " I wanted to tell you that I haven 't forgotten your words . I 'm so glad for this opportunity to serve you . I remembered your words when I was out helping my husband cut down trees and through all the mundane jobs we do together around here . " He smiled , a smile that didn 't quite reach his eyes , a smile that showed the fatigue and the pain of watching the one you love slowly fade away . " I 'm glad . Never forget . Treasure the moments . " Since we 've been talking about priorities , I thought we could move on to the second one . It seems they are all connected to the first one - God , or should be . When we are making God the first priority in our life , we start realizing that others come first . And one in particular should stand above the rest if we are married . That is , our spouse . God has given them to us and we need to respect them and honor them in every way possible . This has been something that has come up over and over in our marriage . When I disrespect my husband , I am not allowing him to be the man of God he needs to be . I really need to be before the Lord in how I speak with my husband . I Peter 3 : 1 - 2 says , " In the same way , you wives , be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word , they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives , as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior . " I think this means that sometimes we are right , but not always . I have married a man of God and he is very smart . I can trust him to make good decisions for our family . He hasn 't always been right , but I know that he is much less impulsive than I and had we done it my way , there probably would have been more mistakes . I honestly think that most of our men would do well making decisions if they were backed by a wife who whole - heartedly supported them in everything . When I am talking about this , I am not talking of sin issues . When someone is looking over my shoulder waiting to point out everything I am doing wrong , I make a lot of errors - errors I would normally not have made . So I think with our men . If they know that we are praying for them and quietly supporting them , think how much stronger they could be . Now , I know that sometimes it 's fun to be the leader and get to say what goes . At this point in my life though , I lead a lot . Throughout the course of the day , I 'm telling the children what to do , what tests to take , and where they need to be and when . So I get plenty of that . And it 's under the supervision of my hubby , he has asked that , for now , I teach the children at home . I 'm pretty thankful when I can just let my husband decide something , i . e . if my oldest should go to public school next year . I don 't want you to think this is easy for me . I am terrified to let him go to public school , but my husband and I have talked about it . He knows my fears and he has his own . He is taking my opinion about the matter into consideration . I have told him , " I need to know by such - and - such a time your decision about Sharpie . I leave this completely in your hands and you just let me know what you decide , so that I can plan accordingly . " Despite the fact that I want Sharpie home next year , I know that this could be a good thing , so I am still 100 % ( with fear and trembling ) behind my husband whatever he decides . I 'm studying Colssians and I 'm still in the first chapter . Such a wonderful glimpse of who Christ is . " He is before all things and in Him , all things hold together . " vs . 17 So if this is true , then it seems to follow that He should be first in my heart . My challenge is that everything I do will bring Him honor and glory . We 've been memorizing Colossians 3 : 12 - 17 and the last verse is what has been driving me to consider where my priorities lie . " Whatever you do in word or deed , do all in the name of the Lord Jesus , giving thanks through Him to God the Father . " What a challenge ! So I continue to study my day and find ways to honor Him with my life . The problem can come when I 'm so busy analyzing what I 'm supposed to do that in the process nothing is done . There is a balance . At Dare2Share we learned that General Patton once said something to the extent of : " A good plan violently executed today is far better than the perfect plan waiting to be executed next week . " Not sure I like the use of the word violently , but you get the idea . We must not wait for perfection before we start moving . Just wanted to share practically some ways that I 've been moving . I found once again a website talking about home - planning notebooks . Essentially these are three - ring binders that contain all the information that we need for daily living . I 've done this before and when I keep up with it , it really helps me . I call it " The Brain " . So as I 've been evaluating what activities I should be involved in and what I should not , I 've also been making a new binder . I found that for my life , a 2 - inch binder is not big enough . Last week , I found it overwhelming to think of all the things that I wanted to put in there . So I asked the Lord for direction so that it could be managable chunks , bite - sized if we return to the elephant analogy . So I simply started with my kids ' schooling . Not all of them have tests , but I wanted a calendar for each where I could see where tests were coming and not have them creep up on me . So there is a tab for each child with 3 calendar pages behind each one . I have only done the older three , but the others are there for when I get the chance . Remember it does not have to be perfect before I start using it . Then I started on finances . It being the beginning of a new month , I wanted to do that next as I need to keep track of spending . We have had to tighten our belt , as it were , lately , and so I found a way to tighten further so that we can pay bills in a timely manner . There is an end in sight , so it makes it a bit more bearable . Oh , and food is not the way we are tightening . With three boys heading into their teens , food is essential and lots of it . : ) I also planned my week on Saturday . I took daily pages and wrote what I planned to do for exercise and for achieving my goal of getting the kids ' lessons planned ahead of time . Also any cleaning that I knew would come up . Why do I do this ? Because I believe that I can do better in my finances , if I 'm tracking my spending , therefore honoring my Lord , ( and we 'll get to the husband part of it soon ) . If I 'm paying attention to tests and quizzes that are coming up for my kids , then maybe we can be studying ahead of time and not cramming the day of or the day before . And if I plan my week , I know that I will have areas where I 'm pleasing the Lord . Planning ahead helps me go into it with a good attitude and not frazzled . One last comment is that these are plans . They are to give way to interruptions that the Lord may bring into my life . They are not set in stone and can be set aside if sick children and trips to the doctor are necessary or if a friend has a chance to stop by . The caution there is that we need to make sure we don 't always find excuses not to finish our tasks . I ended up with more on my plate than I thought I would have today . The Awana Grand Prix is Wednesday and hubby reminded me that we can 't be frantically putting on wheels the last night . Knowing that I had set aside the wheels so that they wouldn 't be lost , I was confident that this would not be a problem and assured him that I would have the cars ready for their wheels when he came home tonight . Little did I know , someone found the wheels , though no one knows where they are . Have you ever read the poem , about everybody , anybody , somebody and nobody ? Well , you must find a copy if you haven 't . It 's pretty much what happens in my house . So consequently I pulled out the TV and now the dryer vent needs fixing before I put it back . Don 't ask , it 's much too long a story . Maybe you can pray that I can find those wheels , and Waterman 's car as no one knows where they might be . So I 've had my fill of interruptions for today , but they are necessary and good onHave a great day , I love the Lord and serving Him . I have seven children and sometimes I forget that serving them counts as serving the Lord . I grew up in the Philippines as an MK ( missionary kid ) and six of my kids are MK 's because we were missionaries in Indonesia for awhile . I work with people with developmental disabilities and I love my job because it 's opened a whole new world to me . |
Today was a quiet and pleasant day . I had a lot less trouble than I expected to get out of Kiev , as the traffic was not bad and I did not have to cross the center again . The only slight problem to report is that I have lost one of the Touratech straps that attach the rack pack to the top of the spare tires , probably when I had already dropped my stuff at Sofia 's apartment and her friend lead me to his car park . Well , I have spare ones , so no big deal . The road was quite passable and despite being a rather long distance , it felt very short , the only problem was the heat . I had removed the waterproof layers and opened all ventilation on the suit , but it was still hot . The water on my plastic bottles was undrinkable , and when I stopped for petrol I bought cold water and poured it into the bottles , but in an hour it was hot again , despite getting air . Back in the house , he showed me some pictures of his holidays in the Altai mountains , in Russia . I will ride through that region before crossing the border into Mongolia , but unfortunately will not have time to visit it properly , and it is a real shame , as the pictures showed a place of the most outstanding natural beauty . We talked about it in Spanish , which felt a bit strange after almost two weeks of using only English everywhere , and I have to say that his language skills were excellent . He had only studied for six months in preparation of a one - month holiday in South America , and his Spanish was perfect . I got to the city quite early and as I was riding in the outskirts , I overtook an MC convoy . They were the first proper motorbikes I had seen in the country , and I was quite surprised to see them . When I stopped at the first traffic lights before entering the city , one of them , who apparently had left the other behind to catch up with me , pulled alongside and asked me where I was coming from . I started to tell him about the trip , but the lights changed and we rode on . Shortly after the rest of them appeared and they made gestures for me to stop by the roadside . Vladimir , their president , spoke English , and they were very interested to see where I was coming from . They told me they had been to a biking event about 100km from the city and asked where I was staying . I showed them the small notebook where I had written the address and phone number of my host , and then the president took out his mobile phone , gave it to one of the club members and told him to call her . They spoke in Russian and then he introduced me to one of his guys , the " Veterinar " , and told me to follow him , because he would show me the way to the center and take me to a place where I could meet Anna . So I rode into the city escorted by the local MC , and once in the center , most of them went their separate ways back home . My guide and another guy , with their respective old ladies , took me to the center , and in about 20 minutes Anna was there . The bikers wished me good luck with the rest of my trip and went home , and I told my host that I needed to drop all my stuff and park the bike securely before visiting the city . It turned out that she lived almost 8km from there , and if she took the bus , she would get to her place later than me on the bike , so this being Ukraine , I sat her on top of the bag and the spare tires and rode through the center like that , no helmet . Once we had parked the bike and I had a chance to have a shower , she took me to visit an important train factory in the city . It is not normally possible to visit , but they were celebrating the city 's industrial day , and a lot of places like that were open to the public . Not an opportunity to miss . The visit was great , we were taken around an enormous soviet - style factory in the late afternoon , the red sun shinning through the warehouses tall windows and making for some very good pictures . After that we went to eat something and then to a bar that served the local beer , which was excellent . It got late , and after such a long I was absolutely exhausted . The prospect of getting up at about 6 in the morning to ride to the border , deal with the crossing into Russia and then ride 400km more to Volgograd looked like the least appealing thing on Earth . On top of that , there was a museum that I really wanted to visit , an old military pilot school that had been turned into an air museum and had a collection of Soviet planes , so I decided to stay an extra day in the city . For an airplane geek like me , today was absolute heaven . The place we went to was apparently one of the three best military pilot schools in the old USSR , and the enourmous complex where it was located , on the outskirts of Luhansk , is today partly abandoned , partly inhabited by locals , partly used by the army , partly an air museum . The bus dropped at the main entrance , where an old soviet reactor stood proud to remind people of what the place had been in other times . We went through the gate and I noticed that what must have been the entrance checkpoint had been turned into small shops and kiosks . The blocks of flats that flanked the main avenue were today inhabited by local people who had bought them cheap because they had been built long ago . Further into the complex , the trees and vegetation had grown wilder and from time to time I caught a glimpse of old buildings and warehouses that were part of the pilot school . We were soon walking through overgrowth and half collapsed buildings , and it seemed rather strange that there was a museum somewhere in there , but you need to take into account that Ukraine has not developed a tourist infrastructure in most places . After a while we had got lost , and there was no one to ask . In the end we found some kind of old car park near another block of apartments and Anna asked a guy who was coming out the way to the museum . He sent us along a narrow footpath across a small forest that then turned into fields and we kept walking until I realized that we were on the schools runway . Far to our right we could see the tails of the planes in the museum . I asked Anna what use people made of the runway today , and she told me that a lot of people took their kids there with the family car to teach them how to drive , and there was also people who raced but that from time to time small private planes landed there . I was quite shocked that people were allowed to enter a runway that was sometimes active , and I asked her whether there was some kind of ATC or authority responsible for the place , but she didn 't know . I took a couple of pictures - it is not often that you can simply walk into an active runway - and went to the museum . We had apparently come to the back door , and there was an old guy that took a lot of convincing to let us in through that gate . After assuring him that we were going to go straight to the main entrance and pay , he let us in . Anna asked him about the runway , and he said that they were responsible for the museum , and the military for the radio station next to it , if somebody decided to land their plane on the old runway , it was their responsibility to make sure they didn 't land on anybody . What a crazy country ! Once into the museum , I had a wonderful time despite the tremendous heat . There were lots of planes I loved , like an Ilyushin Il - 76 , a Tupolev Tu - 95 , a Mig 29 , a Sukhoi Su - 27 , a Beriev Be - 12 and many others . The guy from the back gate came back , apparently having decided to make up for his earlier reception , and gave us a thorough explanation of the planes and helicopters there , although it was in Russian … Anna did her best to translate it for me . We came back to the flat to get some food and a badly needed shower , and I finally found a moment to write for the blog . In the evening we went back to the center to see the sunset from a park that overlooked the old part of the city . It was a wonderful last view of Luhansk . No problems at the border crossing today . The Russian bureaucracy at the border was easy , it just took time to fill in all the immigration papers for me and the bike and then I was welcomed into Russia , border guards much nicer than in Ukraine . I rode on decent roads for most of the morning and then stopped at a lay by to eat some fruit for lunch before riding into Volgograd . As I was there , a lorry driver passed by , stopped the truck and reversed back to where I was . In Russian he asked where I was coming from , and when I explained the best I could that I had come from Barcelona and I was going to Mongolia , he was very surprised and wished me luck . A few minutes later , an old man and his son stopped their old Lada , got off , and said something pointing at the bike . From lots of gestures I understood that he also had a bike in the nearby village he was from , and then he took my address notebook , which I had taken out to call my host in Volgograd , and wrote his name and address there , making gestures indicating that I could sleep at his place if I needed to . I had only been in Russia for a few hours , but the people here were the most helpful and welcoming I had seen ! One of them , Lex , was from Holland and was riding an old Transalp down south into Georgia and then Turkey , and Martin was from the Czech Republic and was riding his GSA more or less along the same route I was doing , the only difference being that he was doing all the Stans , while I was only doing Kazakhstan . Our host 's girlfriend told me to drop my things and have a shower , and then took us for a walk . I did not take my phone or anything else , thinking that we would only be away for a while , but we went on a night tour of the city of Volgograd and were not back in the apartment until well past 2 am . I was shattered , but it had been more than worth it , we visited the city 's memorials of the battle of Stalingrad , and they were a magnificent sight at that time of the night , no heat and no other tourists around . Amazing experience . I got up today and sent a message to my contact in the city , Vitali , from the Ferrum MC , who I had found on the HUBB before leaving Barcelona . He told me the address of a bike shop where I could have my bike serviced and the oil leak checked , so I put the address in the GPS and went off , no riding suit on , as it was tremendously hot in the city and I did not fancy negotiating the traffic jams on full riding armour . Lex , the Dutch guy , had left an hour earlier , heading for Astrakhan , where he had already arranged a Couch Surf . Maybe the traffic was better , or maybe I was just getting used to it , but I found the 30km ride to the workshop quite easy . When I got there , I rolled the bike into the forecourt and an enormous Russian guy came out . I told him about Vitali , but he did not seem to know what I was talking about , and he shouted for a girl to come out from inside the workshop . She was Kate , the secretary , and she spoke some English . I told her that I had been told to go there by Vitali , but she did not seem to know who he was either . I got him on the phone and they talked in Russian for a while , then they told me to roll the bike into the shop , and asked me what I needed . I told Kate that I wanted to have the tires I was carrying fitted , replace the spark plugs , the oil , to have the air filter cleaned and the oil leak checked . They told me that there was no problem , and they got started on the regular service while the " master " mechanic , as they called him , was coming . Used to Spanish waiting times at workshops , I thought it would take all day , so I was thinking about getting a bus back to the apartment and come back on the following day to get the bike when the big guy pointed at a comfy leather sofa in the air conditioned back office and said " sit " . I sat there and took out a book . After five minutes of reading I was already bored , so I walked into the office and started talking to Kate . In ten minutes we were sitting at the office 's computer , and she wanted to see all the pictures I had on Facebook from back home . She was really , really nice , and made me feel at home all the time I was there . We talked a lot , she got me some tea , and at lunchtime she even ordered some food we ate together in the office . Shortly before four o ' clock , the bike was ready , oil leak repaired and all . It turned out it was a broken chain tensioner seal , and the " master " had just cut a new one and replaced it . All the mechanics and Kate took pictures with me and the bike and wished me good luck , they were all really nice and helpful people . The road was very good and we made it to Astrakhan by four o ' clock in the afternoon . The night before I had sent a Couch request to a couple who live in the city , and it turned out that it is the same Couch Lex , the Dutch guy is staying at , so we have met again . Valentin , the guy who is hosting us , had to work today , but there is a very active community of Couch Surfers in the city and they were very excited to know that we were here , so he organized a meeting in the center . He gave us the mobile numbers of a couple of people and told us to go and meet them . It seems that every time I think that a city is going to be boring or uninteresting and I am just going to sleep there and move on , it turns out to be a great place that I regret leaving so quick . Astrakhan is much smaller than Volgograd , and it is the most beautiful city I have seen so far in Russia and Ukraine . Unlike most other cities , it is well taken care of and looks beautiful , the center still has lots of old buildings and traditional wooden houses , and the Kremlin was amazing , even though we could only see the outer walls as it was closed for renovation . Tomorrow Martin and I are heading into Kazahkstan , which means that the easy part of the trip is over . No more beds , no more showers , no more internet . We will ride for about 400km and then camp for the night . After that , we will go our separate ways , me to the North and then the Aral sea , and him into Uzbekistan . I will keep writing , but I do not know when I will have connection to publish posts , probably not before Almaty . These first two weeks have been amazing , I have experiences so many things and met so many people it will still take some time for it all to sink in . Now the difficult part starts . See you soon . Martin and I set off early this time , and by 8 am we were already on the road , after having stopped to get some juice and pastries for breakfast . We rode out of the city and shortly after came to a big river crossing . I had read on the HUBB that there was no bridge and we would need to keep some rubles before crossing into Kazakhstan to pay for the ferry to cross it . It turned out that there was a bridge , it was one of these pontoon bridges floating on the river and we had to pay 50 rubles to cross it . The surface of the bridge was made of big planks of metal , bent and dented , so it was unbelievably slippery , but we made it to the other side without dropping the bike . From there , it was a short ride to the border , which was surprisingly easy to cross . There was a queue , but we just cut to the front and the guard let us through . We cleared the Russian side without any problem , even though we had not registered with the authorities in the country , and we were not asked for the temporary import papers for the bikes that we had been given when we entered the country from Ukraine . On the Kazak side the borders were friendly and very curious about our trip , it was a shame that we could not take pictures . Using some hand sign language , they told me we could exchange money right there at the customs building , and just across the border there were lots of people also offering to exchange money and sell vehicle insurance . Since my European insurance only covered up until the European part of Russia , I got one which covered me for 20 days for about 27 € . The road turned immediately nasty , with lots of potholes that made us ride on the footpegs and we had to be careful not to hit them , as they were deep and with rough edges . An hour or so into the country we stopped for petrol at a small village and from then on the road turned quite better , allowing us to travel at about 80km / h , but still being careful to avoid the occasional deep pothole . We were planning to make it to a town called Dossor , which was about 100km further than I had originally planned to go , but the day had been good and the road was not as bad as we had feared , so we thought we could make it . Shortly before Atyrau we stopped for petrol one last time , as that would be enough to get us there . The road after Atyrau was surprisingly good , and we were able to ride fast all the way to Dossor . We stopped for one last time to buy some water and Martin also got a pair of sunglasses he could wear under his goggles , as it was very sunny . As we were getting ready to get back on the bikes , a Belgian guy on a weird bicycle pulled into the petrol station . He was taking part on a race that were riding solar powered bikes from France to Astana , and at that moment he was the leader . Putting up the tents in the wind was quite difficult , and it was unbelievably dusty . In only half an hour the tents were full of desert dust on the inside , and our stuff covered in it . I cooked some risotto on my stove and sat down against the petrol station building to eat it watching the sun set on the desert . We woke up at sunrise , shortly after 5 in the morning , and by the time we had got the dust off all our stuff and packed the tents , it was already hot . As we were getting ready to leave , we asked the guy at the petrol station about the state of the roads , and he pointed at my route and said " problem , problem " . It seems that the road was in very bad condition , and people went around for 1 , 500km to avoid the 600km to Aktobe . I had talked to some bikers on the HUBB who had ridden it , and I thought I would take two days and try to make it . I felt quite sad saying goodbye to Martin , it had been three great days riding together , and I would have liked to continue having company . Maybe I should have taken the same route as him through the Stans , I would have had the chance to do the Pamir Highway and the landscape would definitely have been more varied than in Kazakhstan . In any case , it was too late now , I had no visas , so Kazakh desert it was . The road was still good for about 10km north of Dossor , and then it went back to the kind of very potholed asphalt I had found after the border . The bike was shaking so much that I could not see anything on the GPS , so I reached to hold with my left hand for a second to be able to check the distance , when to my horror the whole assembly , GPS and mount came loose and fell . I stopped to see what had happened and after removing the windscreen I discovered the problem . The windscreen is held in place by four screws , and I had replaced the two at the top for longer ones because that was where the GPS mount attached . It seemed that the vibration had made the weight of the whole assembly act as a lever and the screws had loosened and fallen . I put everything back in place , held it with some electrical wire and hoped it would hold . I rode on and after a while the road became the nightmare I had been warned about . It is relatively easy to ride on dirt or gravel roads , but the problem here is that there had been an asphalted road at some point and now it was gone , leaving just some patches here and there , then disappearing , then reappearing , and it was very hard to try and avoid hitting the rough edges . I made very slow progress , and at one point took one of the paths that trucks had made on the side of the road to avoid it . It was soft sand and in ten minutes , the bike slid at the front and I fell . I was OK , so I removed the tank bag and tried to lift it without removing the rest of luggage . It turned out it is easier on the sand than on asphalt , and I was able to do it on my own . Good thing , because there was nobody else around . I went on , on and off the main road , and about 100km from Dossor I thought I was making decent progress and I would make it to my destination for the day in decent time despite the bad road , when suddenly the bike started handling funny and I had to stop , thinking that I had got a flat tire . I checked , and I was right , the back tire was flat , so I got the compressor out , plugged it and inflated it . Once it was done I started turning it , checking for damage , but I could not see anything despite turning the tire several times . I was starting to wonder how it had gone flat when I saw it - the rim was dented . I had changed the springs on the bike in preparation for the trip , trying to make it a bit more usable off road , but this was still mostly an asphalt and dirt road bike , not a true hardcore endure machine , and the suspension lacked travel compared to a KTM or a BMW and it had bottomed out several times on the harder sections , the rim must have got damaged on one of those occasions . The tire seemed to hold the air , so I weighted my options . I could try and go on to Aktobe , but that was a two day trip on the same kind of roads or worse , and the rim clearly needed repairing or replacing , and that might be hard in Kazakhstan . It seemed that the best option was to head back to Russia , where I had a place to stay and access the internet to arrange for a replacement to be found . I thought about it under the sun for a good while , as that would mean that I could not go back and try this route again , since my Kazak visa only allowed one entry . In the end , I decided to turn back . I started making my way back slowly and carefully , and after ten minutes riding I felt that the tire was flat again . I had not panicked yet , since I had been able to inflate the tire and I thought I could make it back to Russia without much trouble , but when I got the compressor out , plugged it in , flicked the switched and realized to my horror that the thing would not start , I felt panic starting to build up . I was in the middle of nowhere , a hundred kilometers away from the closest city , and I had no way to inflate that tire again . Things were starting to get bad . I thought that I needed to arrange some kind of transport to get the bike to a repair shop , so I stopped a passing van to try and get some help . They were workers from an oil rig , and one of them spoke a little English . He told me that there was no recovery truck anywhere nearby , so there was nothing they could do . He then draw a rudimentary map on my notebook indicating that there was an oil rig or refinery or something like that five or six kilometers down the road and that I should try to make it there and ask for help . I got on the bike and slowly rode in first gear , trying to avoid the roughest parts of the road , but it was impossible not to hit some bad patches from time to time , event riding in first gear . Sweaty and miserable , I made it to the gates of the plant almost an hour later . I called the security guy at the door and tried to explain my problem . We spent at least half an hour with me trying to explain that I needed to get back to Astrakhan and him trying to make me understand that there was no transport to be arranged . The only thing travelling on those roads were oil tankers coming and going from the wells , and it was not possible to put the bike on one of them . Then he asked me if I had dollars , and seemed to indicate that he could fix the wheel . He made some phone calls and then gestured me to take the wheel off the bike , so I took out the tools and got down to it in the scorching heat at the entrance of the plant . Another guy came , apparently a mechanic who worked there , and took the wheel into the plant . He came half an hour later , with the tire inflated but some chunks of lip missing where he had tried to bang it back into shape . I checked it and it seemed to hold the air , so I put it back on the bike , paid them and got back on the road as soon as possible . I thought that the botch job would not hold for long , and I was already regretting having paid them when I saw a bike approaching o the road . We stopped and it turned out to be a guy called Wesley , from the UK , who was following the same route as me before I broke the rim . He complained about the state of the road ( and he was riding a better bike than mine for that kind of stuff ) we discovered that we both knew Stephen Stallebrass and we exchanged details . He wished me luck and we parted ways . The botch job got me all the way back to Dossor , where I got some petrol and checked the pressure . I asked several people again , but I got the same answer , no recovery truck , no way to take the bike back into Russia . Seeing that the tire was holding , I decided to try and make it there myself , especially because it was getting darker and the wind was blowing very strong , there was a sandstorm forming . I zigzagged my way out of the petrol station through the queue of huge tankers that were waiting to fill up with diesel in the last town before heading into the desert and into the storm , and started making my way back . The tire held the air well all the way to Atyrau , where I stopped to check the air pressure . It was still OK , so I pushed to the border , hoping to make it to Astrakhan before nighttime . I had avoided the sand storm in Dossor , but the sky was getting dark and there seemed to be heavy rain to my right . It was still very hot , and I did not want to waste time stopping and taking out the waterproof layer for the suit , so I decided to take the risk . About half an hour later the rain started , big drops that soaked me up quickly . Fortunately , it did not last very long , and before getting close to the border I was starting to dry up . I was starting to feel confident that I was going to make it , but then I got to the bad section before the border and hit a couple of potholes ; sure enough , the tire went flat again instantly . I limped to a small group of huts by the side of the road , but they did not have a pump . Back on the road , I stopped a couple of Ukrainian tractor heads who connected a hose to the truck 's air system and pumped my tire . I made it to about 10km from the border before it went flat again , and things were getting bad . The sun had set , I was exhausted and the tire did not seem to hold for more than 10km at a time . I limped the last 10 km to the border with a flat tire , and while waiting for the passport and bike papers to be checked , talked to another truck driver who pumped my tire . I was only about 30km from my host 's apartment in Astrakhan , but the tire let go again when I arrived at the pontoon bridge on the river . Crossing it with the bike in perfect conditions was scary , doing it again with a flat tire was absolutely terrifiying . The bike slid all over the place , and more than once I was very close to losing it . Sweaty and shaking , I made it to the other side . I had only 20km to go , and I tried to stop a car to try and plug my compressor into their 12V socket , maybe it was only the socket on my bike that was not working and the compressor itself was ok , but nobody stopped . After a while I saw a petrol station and a girl who had stopped there for petrol let me try in her car . It worked , and that last charge was enough to get me to the apartment , where Lex and and Valentin were waitInsurance and SIM cards I had been studying my options , and decided that I could not risk another big breakdown like this , but I did not want to cancel the trip , it would be such a pity . I happen to have another rear rim in Barcelona , and the insurance company said they would reimburse the expense of having it shipped to Astrakhan , so I decided to go for that option . After a lot more phone calls and whatsapss , I arranged for my parents to send the rim via UPS or DHL , as both companies have offices in Astrakhan . The problem is that it was Saturday , so everything was closed . We have to wait until Monday get an estimate time of shipping . In the meantime I found a couple of workshops that will replace the rim and when it arrives I just have to call my insurer and they will transport the bike to the workshop I tell them . The river beach would have been a nice place if it had not been for the fact that there were empty bottles and plastic wrappings everywhere , the Russians can not seem to be able to keep a place other than their own home clean , which is a pity , as it was quite a beautiful place . I went for a swim and then Dasha took out a henna pen and started to practice drawing a tattoo on her leg . She told me that she wanted to make some extra money that summer painting tattoos on people on the beach , and when she was done she asked if she could practice on my arm too , so I got a nice souvenir from Astrakhan . Back at the apartment I checked my mail and saw that Stephen had replied , with some advice about the route he took . I also tried to find information online to see if I can unlock my phone myself , which might be easier than trying to get some Russians at a phone shop to understand what I need . More news on that tomorrow . |
I don 't want it more than I don 't want it . Or , I don 't want it > I don 't want it . This is justice ; it just is . A stable full of cloned ponies , all named Ambivalence . The sire , desire ; the dam , a dam . Ketch , yawl . Throwback . I like to dress up the unimaginable terror of this world in a high waisted cigarette leg trouser of tobacco colored shantung , cream silk charmeuse shell tucked into the flat front under a mink - trimmed hoody of dyed - to - match cashmere . I like to call it Mippy . Why wouldn 't I ? Now , it 's pretty . A pretty , sweet - faced coltish girl of twenty or so , a bit at loose ends , maybe , but not bad , not dangerous . Isn 't it just the uncertainty of the unimaginable terror of this world that gives it the advantage over us ? Languish is not anguish of language , but should be . Shouldn 't it ? None of it meant anything , except all of it , do you see ? One frightened mumblus of squirrels ; the patchwork fields outside of town ; the backs of barns , where most people never spot the rot . I drank oil , sang songs of worship , prayed to each of my false gods and all of my true ones for respite . I darned socks , swam upriver , stole bikes . That 's my confession . Is that even when birds are quiet they are speaking to us in music . This is the local communications staff . posted by L M at 11 : 22 PM Samson is strong and pious . Today at breakfast he told me he 's here doing penance for his family ; his grandfather was a socialist circus geek who crossed the steppes biting the heads off saints . He likes drowning stories and brewing his own soy sauce . He doesn 't measure the distances between things in his home , letting his furniture and paintings butt into each other , especially in the conversation pit that looks out over the woods . posted by L M at 6 : 47 AM It 's becoming clearer that I am going to have to spin a yarn of my own to follow out of this mess , like Dedalus . That guy with his crazy shells : what was he thinking ? Only the same brainwashed yogurt - swilling chirping ninnies at breakfast ; I didn 't hear a word of it this time . They talk the same nonsense over and over again , except Samson , who 's still so quiet . I think I trust him . But I don 't know . And who is the new one , in the grey sweats ? I 'll ask at lunch . posted by L M at 11 : 01 PM Is my new favorite album . Geoff brought it . He pronounces it with two syllables , so it rhymes with see - off . As in , I can 't wait to " see off " the man who claims to be a doctor . Today we decided together that all language is a dream at least , so I don 't have to tell him my dreams if I promise to tell him what I am thinking . It doesn 't feel like a good deal but I am worn down by all this rain . For instance , where is Thursday . Can anyone account for me on Thursday ? And yet , on Friday , there don 't appear to be gaps , or any missing items . For instance , we all react to a news story the same way , as if we are hearing together any tidbit for the first time . I remember Papa returning from the woods with a brace of pheasant , and Mama saying , Goodness , where has the time gone ? And I never understood until now , waking up this morning and certain it was Thursday , but learning they are saying it is not . I wonder who I can trust around here . Minnie seemed like a good bet but that did not pay out . That was what Frida asked me at breakfast today , when I started to explain how I got here . I will be frank : it made me angry , maybe in a way I haven 't been angry in a long time . If there 's one main problem I have with the people here , it 's that when they hear a question like that , they will just nod seriously as if it contains some kind of elegant wisdom , and is not preposterous . Let me tell you what I think about that . I think , what I think , seriously , is that even if I were in a coma , or dead , I would be alert enough to think that was a stupid question . I do not claim to be a doctor of any kind at all . I once told a cop I was a judge to beat a ticket for failure to yield in a traffic circle , and another time I bought a seal and pretended to be a notary , to expedite a little deal I was making , but I do not claim to be a doctor of any kind . I don 't say I wouldn 't be good at it , or that I don 't privately go around diagnosing people , or even that I 'm above a little autosurgery when I have a deep splinter or suspect blood poisoning , but just that I don 't do it under the guise of some phony legitimacy . I took my tray and went to another table , but I 'd lost my appetite by the time I sat back down . It is still this season , but everyone wants to push me into the next . The man who claims to be a doctor claims to have my best interests at heart but even an idiot knows that winter follows summer , so he must think I know less than an idiot . I know this much : when autumn rusts the trees and grasses outside , the season here , in the cafeteria and the day room and our quarters , will remain chrome - bright and stainless . I can resist winter here . That must be worth something . I 'd like to welcome you to the Living Anxiety Dream Museum , but there 's no time for that now , is there ? Because you 're late , and , you see , I 'm to tell you to go straight up to the room , since the testing 's already begun - - Well , it 's your exam , how on earth are we supposed to know which one ? Just take out your number two pencil and go room to room , for all we care - - Didn 't bring one ? You 'll have to see if some better student brought a spare . They 're wherever Trig exams are , and I 'd get up there , if I were you , Buddy . You 're going to miss the whole thing at this rate - - Oh . Then what did you study ? Hey , are you all right ? You look nervous . Is that why you forgot your pants ? Why would they be whispering about you ? Of course , I understand . The restrooms are right over there . The doors ? We took them down . Don 't worry . Hardly anyone stares . When you 're done , go straight to the O . R . Your patient is in labor , and you 're the only one on call . It 's up to you to save her , while you balance - - don 't fall - - on the windowsill , and hold this . Don 't spill ! And pay this bill . That growl ? Don 't worry . It 's not angry , just hungry . It takes a lot of calories to stay so big and furry . It 'll be fine ; it really will . Just stay quiet and lie still until it eats it fill , and tires of the kill . Remember how you and your bike used to love and crave , your handlebars twinkling with strips of sparkly vinyl , the smooth stretches of pavement , new and white , scored into neat squares and with perfect one - inch borders ? Great mountains crumbled to concrete ; roots , grass , worms , tamped down and sealed under the urban permafrost . And now - - why is it ? - - you prefer the other places , where nature is winning ; where hundred - year - old roots rise up laughing at our occupation . The places those same squares erupt and meet at bitter peaks . Your bicycle , long landfill , dreams still of those slick white straightaways , and you walk , and you watch the earth revolt and this is what you love now , and that other world was a crush we had , but will never have again . I am working my way back around to talking about the man who claims to be a doctor , but he upsets me . This morning , for instance , when I dreamed about cannibal zombies , and how I hid during the shoot - out , and how the one cannibal zombie found me and came after me even when I 'd put my fingers in his clayey eyes and twisted his clay head off his neck , his flesh impressionable and memorative like fondant frosting , the man who claims to be a doctor said to me that I am everyone in my dreams . I would have settled for being myself in the dream , because after I took the zombie 's head off I ran like the wind and vaulted over a five - foot fence , like some happy parcour genius , into the wasteland behind the house . But how could I have been the lumbering zombie chasing me at the same time ? Sometimes it looks like the only way out , though , is through this grater , one way or another . This morning Jenna swang into breakfast like the whole meal was her idea , and she 'd been out all night being congratulated for inventing it . She sits at the head of the table every morning , and I can tell it 's starting to bother Samson . He thinks she 's blowzy , he told me . Like I have nothing better to do than sit around and fume about Jenna with him . Many of you , like the man who claims to be a doctor , did not believe ham blue was a color . But as you can see below , it certainly is . It is that blue which , if it were pink , would be ham - colored , quite simply . When I leave here , I know exactly what kind of business I am going to start . Debriding doesn 't have anything to do with weddings after all . Kurt is back from the emergency room , and I think that he 'll have to be in bed for a few days . Samson blames the system , but I think there 's got to be some accountability for Kurt , doesn 't there ? His name is Samson . He has an incorruptibility . At lunch today , even though he was new , we found ourselves listening to him as he told us how our traditions would begin to be . I believe he could lead us , although for now he seems to only want to sit in the day room and do his work . There is a German word for the feeling an English - speaking person has when she is in a group having a conversation at a very sophisticated or technical level and she , to cover her insecurity , tries to come up with a German word to sprinkle into her comments , but I couldn 't remember it at lunch today , when everyone was arguing about Kant and Kierkegaard and Proust . Later , in the deeply stupid hours of the night , it will come begging at my mind like a hungry dog , and I will feel all of the impotence a stranger feels when meeting such a dog , knowing that feeding it will only make it linger . What is that word ? These rough children ; these soiled gods . Would they even know what I meant ? I am concerned someone has tampered with my documents , and that now they are out of order . For security 's sake , I have made a photographic record of the arrangement of evidentiary data and papers I 've collected so far , and I 'll say no more about that , other than to just let certain people know it exists . That 's all . But I 'll get to my reasons shortly . Let 's not get too excited , but Garland has come up with two new bumper stickers . The first isReserve your greatest kindness for those who prepare food out of your line ofsight . The second , he isn 't telling me yet . My eyes are dry from staring for so long , but it was a good rest . posted by L M at 9 : 10 PM There 's been a little fracas over the tree pictures . They didn 't know I was going out at night , they said , and then they wanted to know how I was doing it . They want me to spend some time thinking about how I 've compromised the trust in the group . Maureen is letting me type this , but she needs to finish her work now . More later . Today at breakfast Dr . Arkwright told me he 'd been thinking a lot about his last morning at home . " That morning I woke at five with a perfect schematic drawing of a perpetual motion machine meticulously drawn in my imagination . I lay on my side in bed , running my mind 's eye over each of the perfectly working parts , many nanoparticles I 'd worked with in the lab . " It occurred to me that there was a single problem , and , out loud I said , ' That gasket would have to be replaced every thirty years or so . ' " Muriel shifted and pressed herself tighter against me . I put my arm around her waist for balance , my hand on her breast for comfort . " When next I woke , I was face down . The schematic drawing had evaporated and I was breathing against a damp spot on the pillow where my own drool had soaked the case . The covers were thrown back so there was a draft on my right side , the space next to me in the bed was empty , and there was only an accusatory depression in the mattress pad where my wife had been . " posted by L M at 12 : 20 PM Today after rehearsal Maureen told me about her car . Before she had a car , she worried constantly about cancer : the idea of a silent problem that was more likely to kill her if left undetected . She said the only policy was hypervigilance , and she brought every single lump , discoloration , node , bump , variation of texture , surface and physiology to the attention of RNs , LPs , PAs and MDs . 90 % of them were " fat deposits . " Some were glands . Many were moles . Once a thing turned out to be a scar where she didn 't remember a cut . In her wrist , she had something called a ganglion . But she kept going back . Then she got a car . It was all right . It was blue , a Volvo , and for a month or so it had four power windows . Even after that first month , it still had three power windows . It had air conditioning in the beginning , and it definitely had heat all along . It often had as many as three good tires . And a tape player . She said she busted out all her old tapes , and some had survived her storage method ( bag ) . She listened to them , and she wondered why she 'd ever stopped listening to them , and then she stopped listening to them again . It was , as she said , all right . But then the worry set in . And soon , she was worrying constantly . What was that sound ? It was like a cranking sound , a sound of metal under strain , that sound that girders make when they collapse in movies , that she said was like the sound they played on " The Bionic Woman " while Lindsay Wagner would run in slow motion . That sound . When her mother 's car made that sound , she remembered , it was the CV joint , but her car didn 't have a CV joint , she was told by people she trusted . So what was the sound ? It turns out , it was an exhaust rattle . And then there was the little problem of the slow tire leak , which was caused by a large nail . And the very fast tire leak , which was caused by an enormous bolt . Then there were the brakes , which shortly after being at 50 % , were gone . Which in turn was most likely a caliper problem . There was that whistle in the radiator belt . The alignmposted by L M at 8 : 09 AM This is the same tree , but I think it is better now . Less sick - looking , with less blue . It doesn 't feel so leafed - out anymore . posted by L M at 3 : 55 PM Ance a comprent att a could rupt linguage un a still communicould , althing agan at slip . Swas milacre , a wand comprend ananother mare an a wand insist on brokedy grammifications . A 'd lissun un a 'd comprend . Garland has asked me if he can write for me sometimes , when I don 't want to . But I 'm not sure . He says he keeps coming up with ideas that are too long to be aphorisms while he sits for Kelly 's painting . She is working on the forehead and eyebrows now . He didn 't expect things to go so slowly , and it 's giving him a lot of time to think . I 'm worried he 'll change things with his version of what happens around here , but I like the idea of having someone to help me . This evening we had a program after dinner , a thing Maureen put together . She is a composer , and she specializes in coughatorio , which is like oratorio , only with a kind of learnable tonal coughing instead of singing . I am a soprano , but most people cough in a lower register , so I was with the altos . The key to the kind of coughing style Maureen showed us is to cough from your diaphragm ; otherwise your throat gets sore very quickly . I was surprised by how good it sounded once we all got going . The story itself was loosely based on Handel 's Belshazzar , but kind of tightened up , because it 's hard to convey much story in coughatorio . I 'm terribly thirsty now , but I think it would be nice to try again some time . Hopefully more people would participate , because many were coughing along from the audience . You might have to look pretty hard to see it , but I feel like that 's how it always is . The blue peeping through is sky . I told the man who claimed to be a doctor I 'd seen a ham - blue sky , and he did not believe me . But if we have another one , I 'll take a picture . The man who claimed to be a doctor admitted he might not have leveled with me , and there were many things I might have asked him then . While I had him in a snare of his own fashioning I might have , for instance , asked him what he 'd been keeping from me or what kinds of things he 'd lied about . But his admission had not come as a surprise to me . I 'd already caught him in fabrications and kept silent about it , waiting , gathering ammunition for the big battle that was surely to come . I wondered what this new ploy was . It looked like a classic counterintelligence maneuver : you give them something big so that you can keep hiding something bigger . If so , then he believed that I was the one ensnared . In that event , whether he was right or not , the best thing to do was to keep still , lest my struggle tighten the knot . I chose therefore to remain quiet and watchful and wait to see what he let slip next . And it 's cold . But Missy , who 's new , said that her window opened , and I started to go to her room to see , and on the way I saw the man who claimed to be a doctor standing by a desk , whispering to a woman in green . I turned and went back the way I 'd come , but he may have seen me . I did not like that . Have we talked about Kurt . He said he 's here because he 's lost his sense of humor , but I am beginning to think there 's more to it than that . He went to a concert the other night , just before he got here , and apparently some things happened that he didn 't mean to have happened . Is it possible that a hockey puck is really solid rubber , all the way through ? We talked about the storm last night . It woke up a number of people , but not me . There was a loud crack at one point , and a tree was struck by lightning , but far away from here . But someone made a movie of my dream . Garland 's been busy for the past few days . Now that Sergeant Tanner is gone , and Kelly is upset , he 's offered to help her by sitting for the painting she started of Sergeant Tanner before he left . She was doing it from the top down , and she 'd only painted as far as the hair , so you won 't be able to tell , although Garland 's hair is longer than Sergeant Tanner 's . I had seen almost nothing of the facility by which I was being contained . I was in the hall that ended behinded me and continued ahead , and I was doing the thought experiment I was telling you about . It was like this : If I was not a prisoner , I did not have to reenter the room with the man who claimed to be a doctor . But maybe I was being led to believe I was not a prisoner so that I would trust him , and actually , his net was just too big to feel like a net yet ? Eventually , I would swim into the ropes . But , because I did this thought experiment , I quickly saw the only way to continue to imagine that I was not a prisoner was to avoid seeking proof of my freedom . I decided to reenter the room . The man who claimed to be a doctor was sitting at the table where I 'd left him , trying to look like he 'd been doing that the whole time . Fair enough . " Hello , " he told me . I did not see how this could be a trap . " Hello , " I said back , after due consideration . The man sighed . " Why don 't you and I just level with each other ? " " Have you not leveled with me ? " I asked . I was frankly surprised he 'd give so much away so quickly , but could only assume it meant he was hiding more than I 'd imagined . " Maybe , " said the man who claimed to be a doctor . As I was saying , , or something , I don 't know . I got derailed . ( Take those tracks , Junie H . ) But it 's been long enough now that I can go on . I know some minutes are missing ; some of those thoughts in the bathroom are unaccounted for , and what made me decide to leave , but I can 't be worried about that now . The main thing that you need to know was that when I left there , I headed back to the room where the man who claimed to be a doctor waited for me , and I stopped just short of the door . Behind me the hall deadended after the bathroom at a window wall . But ahead , past more doors , the hall ahead bent in an inviting way : the left wall continued about ten feet after the right wall discontinued , until it struck another wall , a perpendicular one . At the scene of this collision two chairs at right angles had cornered a ficus and guarded it like puffy orange vinyl dogcatchers with chrome legs . There was a busy kind of quiet about the place : the implied hum of the overhead fluorescents , and muffled voices just out of earshot . I did a little thought experiment . If I was not a prisoner , I reasoned , I did not have to reenter the room with the man who claimed to be a doctor . By the way , what Sergeant Tanner had for me was not one bit good . Or maybe it was , and I just don 't understand . It was a note . It said , Loretta , I know you don 't want to tell , but it 's the only way out of here . You have to tell them your whole story . This is mine : The first sign was that he was a man . The next was that he did not stop his car at the check point . The third sign came when Drew called out , and he still did not stop . We watched for things that would be fine at home but , there , took on an edge . In the tank , yards off , I might have been safe , but the folks in the square would not have . We were there for them , so they could live their lives . It was my job to stop him . He might have been deaf , like the one Bates stopped , or just not have had his mind on things , or not . I called out the code . I fired . The glass broke and the car hit the wall . I held my breath . There was no bang or boom . But there could have been , they said when they 'd gone through the car , if he 'd done it right . And when they told me they 'd found his hands taped to the wheel , his foot taped to the gas , I knew what it felt like to be him . Lance Cooper TannerYou can 't tell from this , but his handwriting is very old - fashioned . Tonight after dinner , we were eating our ice cream when Sergeant Tanner told us he is leaving in the morning . He says he wants me to follow him back to his area after breakfast , and that he has something for me . I 'm sad he 's leaving but I hope it 's good . The ice cream , in case you were wondering , was Neapolitan . I don 't know how that fits Dr . Arkwright 's theory . posted by L M at 9 : 13 PM Never mind that one of you clearly betrayed me to Junie H ; he says that you were my friends , and it was wrong . But why did you do it ? Best not to tell me , unless you really need me to know . What masks people had on yesterday : Sergeant Tanner dressed as Possibility ; if I can find a picture I will post it here . And I went as an egg : for my communicative break - fast . Dr . Arkwright once pointed out to me that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny in the daily cycle of human meals , too , when you think about it . We eat the embryo for breakfast , and the mature chicken for dinner . I got my camera back from Marty , and these pictures were in it , too . Marty says they are of the universe starting , and I am never letting her use my camera again . She 's a liar . posted by L M at 9 : 08 AM In the the bathroom , at a safe removed from the man who claimed to be a doctor , I felt a new clarity . I began to see what kind of people I was dealing with . First of all , there was money involved . Obviously a great deal of it . People who worry about money , I thought , don 't have that kind of hardware . They have small hinges , the kind you can get anywhere . There was much more at stake here than I 'd previously supposed , I realized , and I would have to reevaluate everything . . . . even though I suspect that 's not his real name : on Monday , when I have recovered from the weekend treatments , I will resume my narrative where I left off . Meanwhile , I thought I had it bad , but it seems it can still be had worse . I urge you all to rally around a suffering member of our community , Egvadz Floincz . . . . also claims all this is necessary : And this : How is making someone not wish to leave different from making someone stay ? But I have come up with a way around even this obstacle . I wish so hard to stay that I don 't think about not leaving , making all of his exertions beside the point . I found this picture from home . I think I understand some things now that I didn 't before , or at least this could be the key to those things , don 't you see ? . . . since last I had a truly new thought ? The old thoughts have just been swimming , circling each other , like goldfish in a small bowl . What did happen today was that I ate lunch with someone completely new , Laura . She is different from the other people here , in some ways . She drives an H4 Syriana , which she says is a necessity for her work as a poacher . In some ways I envy her , but in others , I don 't . . . . Because I have to be focused on my own business . But I will say that a couple of things have happened that you maybe were not aware I was aware of . 1 . Blumertha and Blu ~ have agreed , which is already confusing enough ; they are not two sides of the same coin , and yet , this puts us all on notice doesn 't it ? Although , to be sure , only Blu ~ acknowledges their agreement ; Blumertha couldn 't possibly be in discord . Junie H . , I have nothing to say about . I regret even acknowledging her presence here , and she knows why . Her comments , littered throughout my private reflections ever since I found the pictures that reminded me of home , constitute an intrusion of the worst sort . 2 . Then , some important people in their respective fields have been introduced into this fray , including : - - the person some say is the heir to DJ2NoDee 's hip - hop kingdom , DJ3NoDee . The problem is that , as you can see here , DJ3NoDee is misquoted so often it 's hard to know what 's really being said . - - Menos Budow , the late occultist geometrician . See the comments of DJ3NoDee above . - - Egvadz Floincz , of course , needs no modifier . Just look at the comments Floincz left here and here . 3 . No one , and I mean not one single person has answered to my satisfaction Patrick Rapa 's question of the missing water . Next Maybe too easy , really , to say that I 've got a fear of scars : too Freudian , perhaps , or worse , too on the nose : like Maureen , who has a fear of mushrooms , and it seems to me , when I give it any thought , natural . Mushrooms live in the moist dark , feeding silently on death - - the skin between your toes as much as the fallen sycamore or that old basement carpet . Mushrooms ( tumid , fleshy ) are wherever death is , gorging on it , and it makes perfect sense to me , on those grounds alone , to avoid them . A scar in linoleum , or on a skyline , is no different from a scar on a body - - a record of violence , incursion , impact , or eruption . A possibly , though not necessarily , unkind contact . Next . . . but today I had lunch with Maureen , who is homesick . I asked her to describe her home to me , and she said it is filled with objects that solve problems she doesn 't have : cufflink organizers ; racks for neckties , decorative spoons and magazines ; coupon folders . She collects containers and organizers of all kinds . She has one display case for her greeting card organizers , and another one for her knitting needle cases . She has a cabinet filled with spice racks , and in each spice rack , she keeps pillboxes and make - up bags . She says that it 's more important to be organized than anything else , and she 's having trouble organizing her things here . Next I know I 'm in the middle of telling you about the stalls in the restroom I went to during my interview with the man who claimed to be a doctor , but there 's other stuff going on . Last night , I got out of bed and wrote this down : two people were missing at supper , Joseph and Kelly , and they were replaced by people who looked exactly like them . I was calm outwardly , but inside I was profoundly disturbed . Was it appropriate to acknowledge the switch ? Would I want someone to acknowledge it to the person who filled in for me , if I were the one replaced ? Next Maybe I have mentioned Joseph to you , but I don 't believe I 've told you much about him . The main thing that you should know is that he 's new , and he 's very tired , and he mostly rests . He 's an entropist , and , as such , he says , he 's particularly interested in what 's going on here . I find myself at odds with him when he does talk . For the first time in a long time , it seems like things are actually coming together . Every day I tell the man who claims to be a doctor about the people I have lunch with , and their dreams , not because I want to , but because he asks , and I am trying to demonstrate that I am cooperative - - that if I go , I will not show up on their radar again . Still , in telling him , I am beginning to understand certain things , and maybe I will tell you about those . It is important to me that you know that I trust you . Next I have to tell you - - I can 't wait any longer - - what the restroom stalls were like . To understand these people , the people who came and got me , all you need to do is see these hinges in their restroom stalls . I have never seen anything like them . At first , I thought they were solid steel ; but then the true horror of them became clear to me : they are hollow aluminum tracks , giving the appearance of solidity but really more of a veneer . There are these sick springs with protruding ends - - can you see them in the photo ? like claws - - that resist pinching and will force the door closed when it is left open , so that the facades of the stalls always present the same unyielding faces . It makes my stomach hurt to think about what all this means . I will tell you more later . Next I could not believe it when the man who claimed to be a doctor told me the door to our interview cell was unlocked . I couldn 't believe it when he said I could go , unescorted , by myself , to the restroom . It was as if it were the most natural and simple thing in the world to just excuse myself and go to the restroom . I could not figure it out at all , until I pushed open the painted steel door and saw what was inside . Then I understood . You see , the bathroom was like something out of a nightmare . The floor positively seethed with razor - edged squares of white tile , a blizzard of matte ceramic that would never melt away in the fluorescent glare . And the monstrous mosaic was not content to remain contained in a single plane ; it turned up the walls at the floor 's edges and climbed toward the ceiling , avid and eager , stopping only at a white - and - black checked border pattern at eye level . I saw then , how it was all so black and white . I had not even got into the stall , which was where the real horror began . I think I will be able to show you a picture of that tomorrow , but for now , I have to go . It 's getting harder to get a moment away , and everyone is tensening . Today at breakfast Jenna told a joke : " Why did the pine tree throw a party ? Because it wanted to be poplar . " Then she burst into tears . Sergeant Tanner said , " I didn 't get my stripes telling tree jokes , Girl . " Next . . . And it 's not that I 'm not ready to talk about the visitor , but I don 't think you 're ready to hear about that . This morning at breakfast we talked about dreams again . Kelly said she dreamt she had a popular doppelganger everyone was socializing with while she stayed home . There was a turtle in her dream that was so small she thought it was a mouse at first , but it grew to the size of a World War I helmet and she was afraid of it . Does anyone know what this means ? Also , Garland says he is doing better but this is his new aphorism : " If life gives you kids , make kid gloves . " Next I 've only got a minute here before they summon me again . The man who claimed to be a doctor has done so much else since our first interview . I thought I would be telling you all of that by now , but it 's hard to get a handle on . I want to finish telling you about our first interview , but I 'll have to tell you about the bathroom first . And maybe tomorrow , or the next day , I will tell you what Joseph said . Next Kelly was working as an epidemiologist before she came here ; her specialty was the transmission of ideology . She was going to tell me more about it , but Garland got upset . Now we all just want to rest a little , and there won 't be more time for a couple of days . Next I 'd asked the man who claimed to be a doctor what game we were playing , and he asked me what made me think it was a game . It was all getting to be too much . I had been his guest for hours and he 'd offered me nothing to eat ; I 'd only gotten a cup of coffee by practically demanding it , and at no time was I given a tour of the facilities . It was all too much . " I need to use the restroom , " I told him . " By all means , " said the man who claimed to be a doctor . " Go ahead . " This was an outrage . " Well , where ? Here ? " " I beg your pardon , " said the man who claimed to be a doctor ; and he did seem embarrassed . " I didn 't realize you didn 't know where it was . " He pointed to some destination past the door and to the right . " It 's the next door on the right . " " Well , how am I supposed to get out of this room ? Don 't you need to ring for someone ? Or escort me ? " The man who claimed to be a doctor looked like he was pretending to be puzzled . " The door is unlocked . And I 'll just wait here . " Next The man who claimed to be a doctor was making notes . He wrote down ' tiger lilies ' after I mentioned them , but claimed he only wrote that because he was starting a garden . I was disinnocented of him already ; he 'd shown he could not be trusted . I stared down at the coffee he 'd brought me , and the little pile of coffee additives - - creamer , sweetener - - and I looked back at him . " What is this ? " " What is what ? " he asked me . " The coffee you asked for ? " " What is this place , this room , this game ? " " What makes you think it 's a game ? " Next All right , now back to business . I was starting to describe the tiger lilies I saw on my walk that morning , but I sensed that if I told the man who claimed to be a doctor that they looked to me like mourners at a funeral , he would somehow use that to prove certain things about me , which , as I said , I 've already demonstrated to be untrue . Instead , I told him they looked like golf spectators , thinking that would be good , with all that ' golf spectators ' implied : cheery , sunny people gathered to watch something they found exciting , for reasons I could not even begin to guess at . But a hitch before I finished the sentence told the man I had changed course . " Why did you pause there ? " he asked me . " Where ? " I asked . I knew , of course . But consistency was going to be important here , and the kind of person who might think tiger lilies looked like golf spectators would not be the kind of person who looked too deeply into her own motives . " Before you said ' golf spectators . ' You paused as if you might be about to describe them in a different way . " " I did ? " " Yes . " I shook my head - - not in a contrary way , but the way I might if I were mystified . " I 'm not sure . " The man nodded . " All right , then . " He wrote a note on his pad . I tried to read it , but his handwriting was small and jagged , like shards of glass . " What was that ? " I asked him . I could see he was appraising me . Looking for the canniest course . Would he feign ignorance or - - now that he knew I had him trapped - - would he come clean ? " I just wrote myself a note , " he said . This was non - responsive in the extreme . " What does it say ? " " Tiger lilies . " " Why ? " " I am starting a garden . " Next Sergeant Tanner spotted this guy when we came back from supper . I wish I could feel confident that things were being run the right way around here , but a thing like this , even if it wasn 't deliberate , makes you wonder . They know he is not equipped to deal with this sort of break in routine . I was able to take care of it this time , but what if I 'm not around next time ? I 'm not sure who else here can help . These concerns will probably make this take even longer . Next The man who claimed to be a doctor had ceded immediately to my demand that we change the subject . I was back in control , and felt that nothing was lost by giving him something in return : he wanted to know about my walk that morning , and so I would tell him . " I saw trees . I mean , I looked at them and really saw them . Several were blooming . One had light green blossoms that smelled like fermenting honey . " I thought but didn 't say , more corruption , more rot . If he noticed I hadn 't said that , he gave no sign . The man nodded . It seemed all it entailed these days to claim to be a doctor was the ability to ask questions you know the answers to ; nod and breathe in a theatrical way ; and occasionally doodle on a pad or fetch coffee . If I had asked for a pad before , I might have written this idea down when I had it . As it was , I 'd foregone asking for a pad to avoid letting the man know I was on to him . I continued : " On one lawn I saw a stand of tiger lilies , tall and straight , standing massed like - - " I stopped . I had thought they looked like mourners at a funeral , but of course , that wouldn 't do . " They looked like golf spectators . " Next I 'd told the man who claimed to be a doctor that I didn 't want to talk about telephone wires anymore . He could pretend not to understand or act normal , it was up to him , but I would not play along . He asked , " Why is this making you uncomfortable ? " But I wouldn 't play along with that , either . " It 's not , " I said . " I just don 't want to talk about it . I am very comfortable . Here . With you . So comfortable , in fact , that I 'd like to insist that we change the subject . " He knew he 'd won that round . How could he not ? I 'd practically handed it to him . But I still held some cards . For instance , I had not yet tasted the coffee he 'd brought me . But I had restored some kind of balance by insisting we change the subject . I could tell he was trying to prove things about me to himself , and to any others in league with him , but I had only told him the truth , and answered his questions honestly . I could see , now , however , that in the long run that approach would get us nowhere . I would be more careful . He sat back in his chair . " Tell me about the rest of your walk , why don 't you ? " Next The man who claimed to be a doctor was asking me to elaborate on the horrors of telephone wires , as if they weren 't perfectly obvious . " Look , they cut stigmata through the trees to make way for them . And there are stray things in them , things that can 't have anything to do with the voices they carry . " " Like what ? " " Like a spoked steel thing that 's some crazy cross between a bicycle wheel and a snowshoe . " The man appeared to think . He looked at his pad , where nothing was written . " Why did you describe the black boxes as horrible ? " " They are dark chambers where secret couplings happen . What 's not horrible about that ? " He shrugged and nodded , a vacillation and an affirmation at the same time . " And why would you use the word ' stigmata ' ? " " Look , why ask me these questions ? Why not run out and look for yourself ? Those things are ugly and crazy . The poles are bound with steel wires because they are trying to fall apart out of shame . I don 't want to talk about it . " Next I was telling the man who claimed to be a doctor about my walk . I was trying to make a little observation about telephone wires - - that they never look the way you picture them , and they 're actually a mess - - and move on , but this brought him up short . " How so ? " he wanted to know . " None of them are stretched neatly between the poles . There 's always some nonsense mixed in . " He raised his eyebrows . " Nonsense ? " " Yes . Black vinyl bladders that look like half - inflated blood - pressure cuffs . Or some horrible box with vicious diagonal ridges on it . Some of the poles have these garbage can - sized cylinders stuck to them like ticks , only with wires all feeding into them . The black boxes have a strangle of wires plugged into them , too . And some of the wires are stripped . And their casings hang down like the limp leftovers of some sick ticker - tape parade . " " Why sick ? " " Because what 's there to parade about in the decay of communication ? " The man who claimed to be a doctor was looking at me like what I was saying surprised him . But they knew I had taken a walk . They had seen my route . They would have seen the same telephone wires I saw . The man had either been inadequately briefed or he was a very good actor . Was it possible he did not know any of this already ? No . He was a very good actor indeed . Next Shortly after I mistook another set of footfalls for his , the man who claimed to be a doctor returned , bearing a cup of liquid he claimed was coffee . He set it before me and reached into the pocket of his pants for something , which he dropped on the table , too . It turned out to be two sealed cups of cream substitute and some mixed sugar and saccharine packets . " I didn 't know how you take it , " he told me . " I just take it as it comes , " I answered . He did not answer , just resumed his seat on the other side of the table , facing me . He picked up the pen he 'd left at a studiedly casual angle on the pad in front of him . He put it down again . He folded his hands . He looked at me . " Let 's try something different , " he said . " Why don 't you tell me what you did this morning . " Did he know the answer already ? How long had they been watching me before they came to get me ? At this juncture , I deemed it prudent to tell the truth . " I went for a walk . First thing . Right when I woke up . Around my neighborhood . " He nodded . I assumed , then , they had been watching me . " All right , " he said . " Why don 't you tell me about that . " " I noticed that telephone wires don 't look anything like what you picture . Or what I picture , anyway , when I picture telephone wires . They 're a mess . " Next The man who was supposed to be a doctor may have been right after all . This is beginning to look like a broken story . Still , I mean to tell it . What happened next , after they came and got me and took me away for no reason at all , and after I had been talking for some time to the man who was supposed to be a doctor , and getting nowhere with him , was that I asked for a cup of coffee and he said he 'd get me one . Then , he stood and went to the door and turned the knob and walked out . Whoever was standing guard in the hall - - if that 's where they stand guard , and not somewhere else with a bank of monitors - - was out of sight . He did not close the door and I could see a bit of the wall in the hallway , and nothing else , while he padded away . I didn 't know where he 'd gone for coffee or how long it would take him to return . I looked at the pad he 'd left . The page I could see was blank , but I felt sure I 'd seen him write something , and one page was folded backwards over the binding . Maybe that was the page he 'd been writing on . I started to reach across the table , then stopped and let my hand fall to its enamel surface : his pen lay across the blank page . I didn 't know how many cameras were watching me , or whether he 'd simply marked the angle at which he 'd placed the pen across the pad ; there was such a choreographed quality of unconsciousness to that angle , though , and to the entire situation , that I could only conclude this was another test . I decided to pass it . But I was still figuring out whether that meant stealing a peek at the pad or leaving it be when I heard footsteps again . I pulled my hand to my chest so fast that whoever was watching me might have supposed I 'd gotten a shock from the table . My heart was pounding , but I tried to look composed as I prepared for him to reenter the room . But he didn 't come . Instead I heard a door nearby open and the hum of voices or perhaps a radio before it closed again . Next All right , I want to wind this up , because there 's still so much else to say . But the end of Minnie 's story went like this : I was still in the stylist 's chair when the cameraman got a call that it was time to go check on Ray , and he just left , before my hair was done . She cut off eighteen inches , and I thought it was strange he didn 't stay to take a picture of what it looked like . But then I thought the new haircut would be on the tape when I showed up at the house . But I thought it was weird . The make - up lady asked me what the show was called again , and I couldn 't remember . And then when it was all done , it was just over . And no one came to pick me up . And so I decided to take a cab home . And when I got home , the trucks were all gone , and the house looked very quiet . I thought , Well , they 're all inside getting ready to surprise me . I even thought I saw someone moving by the window . It must have been a reflection . But , by then there were so many things that didn 't make sense that I kept making up more and more bizarre excuses . Isn 't it funny how your mind can come up with explanations for anything ? And so I was even really kind of self - conscious about how to walk into the house , I felt so sure there was a hidden camera recording the first look at the new me . I tried to look pretty and confident and not touch my hair , or mess up my make - up . And I walked up to the house , so sure it was going to be unlocked , and everyone inside . And it was locked , so when I started to turn the knob and walk in , I just sort of walked into the door instead . And I thought , I hope they edit that out . When no one opened the door even then , that was when I started to tell myself something was wrong . Maybe not tell myself , but feel it , because I did feel it , sharply , like a pain in my stomach . But I took out my key and unlocked the door , and I remember once the door was unlocked , I froze for a second . I think I wanted to take that last second before it all became actually true . Do you understand ? Before I had to say to myself , Yes , this was nposted by L M at 10 : 10 AM I had to go suddenly yesterday because someone came to get me . This is what it 's like to be a pilgrim in the age of convenience : the saints come to you . I had to stop telling Minnie 's story in the middle , but I was up to the part where she signed all the releases that the video crew gave her . She continued : Anyway , the gist of it was that I was going to be whisked away in a limo for a day at a spa , and all the neighbors came out and were laughing . I mean you should have seen them . And asking questions . Carol and Melody waved me off when the limo drove away . And them taping the whole time . I wasn 't really comfortable with it , but I wanted Ray to be happy with his anniversary surprise . At the salon , they cut my hair . Only a cameraman had come with me , and I thought that was strange , but he had the stylist say who she was and she read me a note from Ray , saying " My love , you 're so beautiful and I want you to shine on this special day . Time to cut that hair ! " Well , I didn 't want that , but I was thinking , he went to so much trouble . The man is here again . More questions . I will finish typing this up in a bit . Next I started to tell you about Minnie already , but today Kelly , who wasn 't there the first time , asked Minnie to tell the story again . This is what she said : It was our anniversary . Our tenth . Ray had been secretive for weeks , hinting he was planning something huge . Something special . He 'd been kind of giddy , even , but , again : secretive . I had been planning something for him , too . In secret , I 'd measured his favorite sweater , a cardigan , and I 'd used the pattern to design another one for him , a pullover , which he claimed to dislike , but I had a feeling he 'd like this one . I 'd designed it entirely myself , beautiful cables and popcorn - filled diamonds . It was beautiful . Minnie had to stop talking for a moment , but then she continued . But anyway , the morning - - well , the night before our anniversary he told me he was going to work very early in the morning so he could be home in time for the big surprise later . I told him to wake me before he left , but he didn 't . I got up at seven as usual , and I was setting the house in order , and then I heard this incredible noise in the street , like those speakers the kids have , playing loud music . Our street was always quiet , so I went to look and it was these two trucks that said " Home Invasion " or something , and , I mean , they had a whole crew , and they came right to my door . There was a carpenter and a perky redhead who introduced herself as the host . She had a microphone and there was a camera man . They had me take them through the whole house and show them everything . I mean , I 've seen those shows on TV but I don 't watch them . I don 't even really know why . But so I had to take them through the whole hous and I was just glad I 'd dressed and put on a nice outfit . I showed them my fiber studio , where I have my looms and my spinning wheels and they asked me questions and had me do a little spinning and weaving demonstration , after they told me I had to sign a release to be on TV . So I signed all the papers they gave me and we went around the house , and they made comments , too - - mean things . Tposted by L M at 1 : 32 PM I know I was telling you about the interview , and Minnie , and I will finish those stories , but right now I have to tell you something else that I just remembered . It happened , before I ever got here , when I was working in a shoe store : On a bright sunny summer afternoon I looked up from the counter and saw a woman had come in who had long wavy hair to her waist , and water was streaming off of her . She was barefoot and she hesitated in the doorway the way you might if you were figuring out the best route across a sea of broken glass . She never said a word the whole time I waited on her - - and she never did find a pair of shoes she could walk in without pain . She left barefoot , too , and , though she had her back to me , I was pretty sure , from the way she put her hand over her face and her shoulders were shaking , that she was crying . Another time , I was crossing the street in an American city when I saw a parade of ten men and women in full Revolutionary War uniforms ; there was a penny - whistler , a drummer , and they all had on tri - corner hats , too . I know how to read signs , but I don 't know how to know which things are signs , and which things are just whatever they are . Next . . . I sat with another new person , Kelly . She said that she came here from an apartment complex . Her next door neighbor was a nice - looking young man she sometimes thought she might get to know better , but the two of them could never seem to make eye contact in the hall . Even when they rode the elevator together , she said , they barely looked at each other and they never spoke . " Sometimes I wonder how money changes relationships , " Kelly told me . " Do you think it changed that one ? " I asked her . " Maybe , " she said . " Maybe if he 'd sprung for a louder bathroom fan or I 'd invested in a quieter vibrator , things would not have been so weird when we saw each other . But I just don 't know . " Some days the cruelty of this wall is breathtaking ; some days it seems like a gift to have it there , keeping what 's on the other side invisible and inaudible . Next Minnie is beginning to tell us her story . A few months before their tenth wedding anniversary her husband became giddy and secretive , hinting that he was planning a huge surprise . Minnie was planning a surprise , too : an Aran sweater she 'd designed , a pullover . She knew he preferred cardigans but she felt this might be an exception - - plus , she was not confident enough in her measurements or knitting skills to plan a cardigan . She spun the yarn herself , from wool roving she bought online . The night before their anniversary , Minnie 's husband told her he was leaving early the next morning , so he 'd be home in time for the surprise in the evening . She told him to wake her before he left , but when she woke up at 7 am , he was gone , and there was only a note telling her not to go anywhere that morning . I 'll tell you the rest later ; they 're telling us to go to sleep now . Next He was a man of average height , neither stocky nor scrawny . He wore no jewelry , that I could see . He was middle - aged . " I 've answered a lot of your questions , " I told him . He raised his eyebrows . " I 've been here a long time and I 've answered a lot of your questions , " I said again . " Which ones in particular do you feel you 've answered ? " " I beg your pardon ? " " I don 't think you 've answered as many questions as you think you have , " he told me , now folding his arms across the pad . " Nevertheless , " I said , " It 's time for me to ask something of you . " " I 'm not making any promises , but what is it ? " " I 'd like a cup of coffee , " I told him . " That I can do , " he said , rising . Next The man who was supposed to be a doctor did not look satisfied with my answer . In a game in which he appeared to hold every single card , this was the closest I might expect to come to winning a trick . As such , I had every right to regard it as a victory , and was not sure why it didn 't feel that way . I felt the room , already small , getting smaller . I became aware of the way a beam of late afternoon sun streamed through the single high corner window and was cut off a few inches further along by the gray wall . This was what they wanted to do to me : cramp , deny , prune , truncate . Already , I had been meeting with the man who was supposed to be a doctor for over an hour , and no accommodations had been made for my comfort . I looked at him . Already , I have told you , he was not bad - looking . He slouched a little in his chair . His sleeves were rolled up and and his bare forearms were on the the table on either side of the lined pad where his pen rested , the hands open and palm - down on the table . The arrangement of his forearms - - further apart at the wrist than at the elbow - - seemed sympathetic to me , if not my cause . Next This is the view from the window in the room where we eat breakfast , lunch and supper . Supper tonight was strange : A dish billed as Hamburger Abendblatt , and roasted vegetables . We were all tired , and ate in an unaccustomed and uncomfortable silence . I don 't care for the silence . You look out into the wide open space beyond the window while you think tighter and tighter thoughts in smaller and smaller circles and , finally , they all narrow to a point : something is wrong . Next So far , in our interview , the man who was supposed to be a doctor had caught me in an elegant trap , but he was perhaps too polite , or too canny , to acknowledge this victory . He did not even acknowledge that I was blushing . Instead , he said , " I am going to tell you three stories I heard today , and then I 'll ask you which one sounds most plausible . " I watched him . " All right ? " he asked . " You understand ? " " Perhaps , " I told him . " Good enough , " he said . " I 'll number the stories , for easy reference . " I nodded . Then he held up a hand - - fingers folded to the palm , thumb out - - so suddenly that I flinched . If he 's adding hand signals , I thought , I don 't know what I 'll do . But he was indicating the beginning of the first story . " One . A woman was sitting quietly in her home . Authorities came and removed her for no reason at all . " I nodded . With a crisp little flick he extended his index finger from his palm . With his thumb , it made an L . I wondered if that meant something ; if he was spelling , as well as counting . " Two . A woman threw a chair through a second - floor window , hitting her neighbor 's car . Authorities came and removed her . " This , then was the second story . Another crisp flick and his middle finger was up , his fingers forming a trident , a tilted K , the Hebrew letter shin . " Three : A woman was removed from her home following the receipt by a certain party of a number of threatening letters . She told the people who came to remove her that she had mailed the letters in self - defense , as a response to certain coded , televised messages . " I nodded again . These were the three stories , and now I understood . They were all equally plausible , and of course , that was what made it such a clever question . But I could only say for certain that one of them was true , because it was mine . To the man who was supposed to be a doctor I said , " The first is the one that I know to be true . " Next A whole new set of things has been happening in my interviews with the man who is supposed to be a doctor , but I am not ready to discuss those yet . Suffice it to say certain challenges have been posed , and they 'll be dispatched , and I 'll discuss all of it in time . For now , I 'll tell you that I sat with Corporal Tanner at breakfast again , and said , " How do you do this morning , Corporal Tanner ? " He told me he was well . He was not , however , a corporal , but a sergeant . Furthermore , he said , I could call him by his first name , Lance . His full name is Lance Cooper Tanner , and when he got here , someone misread his file and thought he was a Lance Corporal . I felt a new spark in Sergeant Tannner today . He 's done more than correct what we call him ; he 's moving differently . Before his movements were marked by an economy , maybe even a parsimony . When he was not in transit or eating , he sat tense and unmoving . But now his stillness has a calmer quality , and today he even performed what could only be described as a gratuitous gesture ( a sort of one - armed shrug , while the other arm remained at his side ) when he was telling the story about the mix - up with his rank . I 've become more aware of motion here . There 's so little furniture , so little scenery , that people are almost all I have to look at . Garland and Arkwright both hesitate before moving , looking around , for permission , maybe , and when they do stand and walk it seems like each step pains them , like the little mermaid in the fairy tale . Meanwhile Jenna moves swiftly and heedlessly , like an animal with no known predators . I don 't clearly remember noticing how the anthropologist and the ethaesthetics professor moved , and both have now left our group . Minnie , who 's new , is still shy , and I 'm not sure I can describe her yet . Next . . . A young man named Garland . He 's in his early thirties , and has worked for several years as an aphorist . He has steady work for clothing and laminated wallet cards , but he 's made most of his money in licensing deals . For instance , his " The apprentice is as only as good as his master , " was the inspiration for the violent graduate student group " The Ex - Apprentices " in the book Roderick 's Only Bear ( and the film adaptation of the same name ) . He told me that he feels his aphorisms have become better and better , but the market for the high - end work is really limited . The last thing he sent his agent before coming here , months ago , was a pitch for a bumper sticker that read , " If you could just tell people what they need to know , we 'd all be a bumper sticker away from salvation . " It still hasn 't been sold . Next Now that the man who was supposed to be a doctor was ready to communicate with me , I was not sure I was ready to hear what he had to say . I may have even insulted him , when he told me that he listened to stories for a living , by telling him that it didn 't sound to me like a grown - up occupation . He looked surprised , certainly . " What do you mean by that ? " " What do I mean by that ? Exactly what I said . What could I mean by that ? " " That 's exactly what I would like to know . " He seemed like a bright enough man . Cagy , certainly . But was he ? Out loud , I wondered , " What is the virtue of an intelligence that renders clear things cryptic ? " He let my question hang there before answering , but I was already blushing to my ears when he said , " I might ask the same of you . " I had fallen right into his trap . Or was it a trap ? Had he set it deliberately or inadvertently ? Either way , I 'd failed myself by blushing . Next If you know what happened so far , you know that when the man who was supposed to be a doctor told me , " I said , people who tell stories with missing parts , in my experiences , usually constitute the missing parts themselves , " you know he was lying . This was not exactly what he 'd said . I know because I have a very good memory . What he 'd said was similar - - uncannily similar - - but nonetheless different . I was ready for this kind of discrepancy in ordinary people , but this man was supposed to be a doctor . I didn 't imagine a man of learning , a man of science , would permit this degree of inexactitude . It occurred to me that I ought to ask for a paper and a pen to document this conversation - - he had a pad and pen , after all , even if he didn 't seem to use it much . But I decided not to ask him just then . It wasn 't any kind of giving in or submission . Although , yes , I was not asking for something that I did want , so it might have looked like that . But actually , this was a way to preserve my power . As soon as he was aware of my desire to document the interview , he 'd know I was on to him , and he would become more cautious about what he gave away . I had to keep him open and trusting me , so I could continue to study him . I studied him now . He was not bad - looking , I decided . He had a clean - shaven face , bright eyes and reasonable eyebrows . He did seem tired . His shoulders sloped . When we had been quiet for a long time , he laid his hands flat on the table . " Look , " he said . " I listen to stories for a living . " He was being honest with me , so I felt I could be honest with him . I told him , " That does not sound like a grown - up occupation . " Next Well , you know how this all started , and what happened next . When I laughed and then told the man who was supposed to be a doctor that I wasn 't laughing at anything , he sighed as if my answer made him tired . " All right . What did you mean when you said I was speaking to you in riddles ? " Oh , no , we weren 't going to do that . But how to get out of it ? At first I didn 't answer at all . Then I said , " I don 't remember . " " You don 't remember what you said just a minute ago ? " Was this evidence that would be counted against me , too ? What was the right answer ? " I remember saying so , " I said . " But I don 't remember what I meant . " " Look , " he said , " if you don 't remember what you meant , " and he emphasized remember in a particular way which told me quite clearly he did not believe me , " Why don 't you just tell me what you suppose you might have meant by saying such a thing ? " " Well , " I said . Then I stopped . There was a way this question could trip me up , but I didn 't see how . " I guess I meant that you were speaking enigmatically . " He didn 't move or give any other sign he 'd heard me , just kept watching . " Cryptically . " No response . " In ciphers . " Still no response for a moment , then he shook his head the way you might if a fly was buzzing around . " I understand what enigmatically means , " he told me . " Allow me to ask my question again . " I waited . Would he repeat himself to see if I changed my story ? He took a deep breath , then said , " I said , people who tell stories with missing parts , in my experiences , usually constitute the missing parts themselves . " Next As I was saying , the man who claimed to be a doctor but was not like any doctor I had ever seen said , " But the problem is you are telling me a broken story . Your story does not make sense . " And I said I couldn 't believe it . This was the problem ? They were keeping me here for being a lousy writer ? But when I said that , he said something strange : " When people tell stories with missing parts , they - - their behavior and actions - - are usually themselves the missing parts . " Now he was speaking in riddles , but I knew enough to understand that he was accusing me of something , saying that I was responsible for something , and I was withholding it . I did not let on that I understood that much , however , because I knew that the appearance that I understood his accusation would amount to a confession . " I do not understand when you speak to me in riddles , " I said . " Did I speak to you in a riddle ? " he said . " You did , " I said . " You most certainly did . " Immediately I regretted adding the second part : I did not wish to be too assertive , as he might see that as a statement of weakness . To temper the assertion in the last sentence , I said again ( but more softly , as if I were merely clarifying , rather than insisting ) , " You did speak to me in a riddle . " Then I became silent . He watched me . I watched him watch me . Then I became aware that my watching him might seem like a challenge . I thought about looking away , but wouldn 't that seem like a confession of some kind , too ? When two starving dogs encounter each other , the first to look away is likely to become dinner for the second , isn 't he ? Rather than look away , I changed my focus to take in all of him , and , once I saw him , I understood his angle . His posture gave away his hope that I would give something away ; that was obvious , and would have been a joke if I were not more or less his prisoner . Still , I laughed to myself . " What 's funny ? " He asked . " Nothing , " I said . Next I wasn 't doing anything when they came to get me . I was in my home , minding my own business , quiet , non - intrusive , all the things they say they like someone to be , and they came , and took me away , and brought me here . Then I had to talk for the longest time to this man who was trying to prove certain things about me , certain things that are not true , that I have shown before to be untrue , but they weren 't interested in that , not at all . After a while , the man , who claimed to be a doctor but who is not like any doctor I have ever seen , because he is utterly without compassion , for one thing , said , " But the problem is you are telling me a broken story . Your story does not make sense . " I could not believe it . This was the problem ? In other words , they were holding me against my will for being a lousy writer ? Next By now the story is so widely known that it hardly bears repeating , but the particulars I heard at lunch today from the man himself might shed some light on the general course of events . For instance , everybody knows how Dr . Arkwright , having amassed a fortune as a chemist for the petroleum industry , retired while still in his forties ; fewer people are aware that his well - known wife , Muriel , was not his first wife , or that an earlier marriage , childless by design , ended in divorce . Almost no one knows that his second marriage , too , very nearly ended in divorce , after just two years , when Muriel told Arkwright she 'd rather be a single mother than a married woman without a child . She was a tenured professor at an excellent university , had resources of her own , and her reproductive window was slowly sliding shut - - she didn 't want to miss her chance , although she loved him a great deal . By then , Arkwright ( by dint of professional and personal interests , a seasoned global traveler ) had become accustomed to a certain amount of movement during the long breaks in Muriel 's academic calendar . He and Muriel both loved to cook , and they also loved exotic cuisine . He expected that a child would hamper his movement and require , when he and Muriel did travel , that arrangements be made for its care in every city they visited when they wanted an evening in a fine restaurant or a day of strenuous outdoor exploration . But his divorce had been more painful to him than he 'd let on to anyone ; he 'd never said a word to a soul about it , but he even wondered if it hadn 't been the final stress that caused his terminally ill mother 's passing . Dr . Arkwright did not foresee the great love he would feel for his daughter , or the wonder she would inspire in him . She was named Hannah Louise , for his mother , and Muriel 's , but Dr . Arkwright always called her Angel , Bunny Rabbit , Lamb , and they brought her with them everywhere , after all . At four years old , Hannah Louise , in a New York City restaurant , overheard Dr . Arkwright order rabbit . In a whisper , posted by L M at 1 : 39 PM |
No real story behind this picture . I just had to share it for no other reason than , aren 't they so damn cute ? ! This was after swim lessons one day in the lifeguard office . I went to get their swim teacher 's number , because we love her and she will make a fantastic babysitter . These are the hats some of the lifeguards wear when they are on duty , so one of the guys put these on the girls , while they waited for me . They loved it and I had to take a picture because again - so DAMN CUTE ! This past Sunday we took a trip to Disneyland . Another friend of ours ( not Melinda this time ) who works for Disney wanted to take us with the girls . ( Hi Courtney ! ) She and her boyfriend don 't have kids , and thought it would be fun to go with ours . Ahhhh . . . I remember those days when hanging out with little kids was a fun novelty . Since she works for Disney this means she got us in for free . ( Thanks Courtney ! ) Works for us ! So off we went for a fun filled day in the " Happiest Place on Earth " . Despite the fact that it was July and a Sunday , we had a really great time . The lines weren 't that much worse than when we go in the middle of the week . We figured it was because they have more staff and more cars / boats / trains running . Plus Courtney and Mark are experts at visiting Disneyland and knew where to go and the secrets to the fast pass . It was hotter than when we go in November , which makes for a bit of a tiring day , but we kept everyone hydrated and found shade where we could . Besides Lana breaking down in line to see Minnie Mouse , because she " neeeeddeedd da shaaaaaadeee ! " we did pretty well . We stayed all day and into the night , for Fantasmic and fireworks . By the time we left at ten that night everyone was pretty spent . The girls were well past their bedtime and with no nap , I was surprised Georgia even had her eyes open , as we walked to the car . It didn 't take long once we got in the van though . I don 't think we were out of the parking garage before they all went out . This is not something we do on a regular basis , so a little sleep deprivation every now and then for the girls isn 't horrible . Well , until the next day . If Disneyland is the " Happiest Place on Earth " , then the day after Disney at our house is the most miserable . Inevitably , the next day everyone has what I like to refer to as , the Disneyland Hangover . Even I woke up the next morning feeling like I had downed a fifth of vodka the night before , while dancing on table tops at an L . A . night club . But no . I hadn 't had a drop of alcohol the day before , and hate dance clubs . I just had a bunch of sun , lots of walking and theme park rides . The good news was everyone slept until nine the next morning . I don 't think that has ever happened in my house . Oh Georgia tried to get up at 6 : 30am , but I put her in bed with us and encouraged her to go back to sleep . I woke up at nine to the sound of the gardeners , while laying on the edge of my bed with Georgia right next to / almost on top of me . Getting out of bed was difficult , so I decided to lay back " Sooonnyaa ! Give me my Belle thing ! It 's MINE ! " Lana yelled . Sonya says something we can 't hear , then we hear more screaming from Lana . I yell down the hallway asking what the problem was . Apparently , Sonya had taken Lana 's Disneyland toy and wouldn 't give it back , according to Lana . Lana wouldn 't ask for it nicely , according to Sonya . Andy told Sonya to give it back since she shouldn 't have taken it to begin with . We aren 't sure what exactly happened at this point , but there was running and chasing into Lana and Georgia 's room . This was followed by Georgia screaming then crying , and Lana crying . Dammit ! I guess we had to get out of bed and squelch the situation . So we dragged ourselves from our place of comfort , tired and hungover from not drinking , to fix things . We tried to get the story on what had happened , but all we really found out was that Sonya took the toy then Lana and Georgia said they didn 't want to play with her anymore . This sent Sonya ran crying form the room . All this took place ten minutes after they woke up . It was going to be a looooonngg day . I managed to get everyone settled and speaking to each other again . We had breakfast and went on with our day . There were more arguments and more crankiness than usual , from the girls too . Bedtime couldn 't come soon enough . Today is better , thank goodness . As much as I love going to Disney , I am not fond of the aftermath . I 'm sure all you parents out there can relate . It doesn 't have to be Disneyland , but any amusement park or fun time you have with your kids for an entire day which tires them out . I just wish there was a solution to this problem . Like a day after Disneyland . A place filled with pillows , blankets , coloring books , crayons and LOTS of TV shows . Right next door is the parent room filled with pillows , blankets , earplugs and LOTS of wine , or beer . Now THAT would be the Happiest Place on Earth . Posted by Okay - Georgia has been potty trained now for what - seven months now ? Since January I believe . She has even been night trained for at least two or three months . That 's why when she started peeing the bed EVERY NIGHT for the past two and a half weeks ( which has made my sleep really restful ) , and then having multiple accidents during the day , I became a bit worried . I suppose I should admit that while Georgia was the earliest and easiest to potty train , she is also the one who is the most defiant about going to the bathroom , and had the most accidents . Half the time when she announces she has to pee , she has already let a little go , leaving her underwear anywhere from a tiny bit wet to soaked and needing a new pair . She just can 't be bothered to stop her play with her sisters to take two minutes to use the bathroom . She might miss something important in those two minutes ! This is usually how getting her to use the potty goes : It 's at this point that I eventually convince her or force her to go . Usually the underwear is wet and we get new ones . As you can imagine , this is not helping my incredible laundry situation . Then a couple of weeks ago , she started wetting the bed at night . I haven 't had a pull - up on her in months . The first night or two it happened I didn 't think anything of it , because she will have an accident every now and then . But when it started happening every night , I had to put the pull up back on . Still , I thought it was just something weird for the moment . Then she started having pee accidents during the day . One while standing on Lana 's bed , one in the bathroom , one in my bedroom , one in her car seat when she fell asleep on our way to the Getty museum , and then the one that sealed it for me . The one AT the Getty Museum . THAT was fun . The good news was we were in the Children 's room at the museum and not in front of some priceless piece of art where everyone would be walking by with disapproving stares . ( YOU try to get her to pee disapproving people ! ) No , this was just while she was standing on a stool coloring with Sonya and Lana . I had asked her about two minutes before if she had to use the bathroom . Of course her answer was no . I knew her bladder had to be filling up because she had drank so much at lunch time . I told the girls we had five more minutes . Then we had to leave that area and find a bathroom , since I was sure Georgia would be asking for one at any moment . No need for finding the bathroom though because , as they all stood drawing and coloring , Georgia calmly said , " I 'm peeing . " Just like that . No warning . No , " quick I have to go now ! " . Just , " I 'm peeing " . It was like telling me she was hungry or tired . The pee ran down her leg and quickly puddled on the stool . Stupidly , I tried to tell her to stop , but come on , I can 't do that myself so how is a three year old going to ? I grabbed some wipees , cleaned up the mess on the floor , took the girls and went in search of a bathroom to change her . The bad thing , or even worse thing , about this situation was I had no extra underwear . I had put her extras on her when were in the car and I discovered she had peed herself on the way to the museum . I did have stretch pants and a shirt for her though . So Georgia went commando for the rest of the afternoon . The next day I called the Doctor , because this just didn 't seem right to me . My youngest sister Megan , who is a nurse , thought it was a good idea too . She thought that there was a small chance that she could have a UTI , even if she wasn 't complaining about any pain . On Wednesday afternoon we took a little trip to visit the pediatrician . After I explained the situation , the nurse handed me a cup for Georgia to pee in . " Nice . That should be easy , " was my sarcastic thought . However , as it turned out , it wasn 't that difficult and it became the highlight of every one 's day . Especially Georgia . For the rest of the afternoon she talked about peeing in the cup . As soon as Andy came home from work , " Daddy , I peed in da cup ! " The next morning when she woke up , she told me about how we went to the Doctor 's the day before and she - " peed in da cup ! ! " She 's going to be super excited when she gets pregnant some day and has to pee in the cup ! every time she goes to a prenatal visit . They did an initial test of her urine at the pediatrician 's office , and they didn 't see anything unusual . No UTI , no diabetes , so that was good . The Doctor asked me if there was anything unusual or stressful going on in her life , but there isn 't unless you count the summer craziness . I suppose it 's just a phase she 's going through . At leKristi Well , the summer is moving right along . In just three and a half short weeks Sonya will be back in school . Yes , it is earlier than most schools , but they did get out before Memorial Day . It 's been a fun time on the one hand . We 've been able to go on little " field trips " to museums , the farm , and amusement parks , since nobody is in school . It 's also been difficult trying to figure out what kind of schedule we have every week between day camps , swim lessons and gymnastics . There is one thing , however , that has been driving me absolutely crazy , just about every day . The mess in the house . I guess I should preface this by admitting that I 'm a bit of a clean freak . It 's really my mother 's fault . Our house was always immaculate when I was a kid , thanks to her . When I was old enough , it was because my sisters and I cleaned it that way . So I 'm not really fond of messes and especially clutter . Something we seem to accumulate easier because of how small our house is . That and the fact that we 've lived here almost nine years . Since the three girls are home all day long , the amount of toys that get taken out and played with , is just about all of them . Every day . At the end of the day , I make them clean up their rooms . And that , that my friends is the worst part of all of this . They seem to view the cleaning up the mess as a fate worse than taking away their ice cream . You would think I was trying to pull out their toenails , the way they complain . It 's about this time that I start to lose my temper , and make all kind of empty threats like " summer fun will be over for you guys ! " or , " you 're going to bed without stories " and my personal favorite , " I will put all of these toys in a trash bag and take them to the poor kids ! " I 've even pulled out a trash bag a time or two on that one . I 'm not proud that I do it , but I so can 't help it . I can 't take the disorder , and I become incredibly frustrated when they start whining about having to clean up the gigantic mess that THEY made in the first place . Now I know you 're probably wondering " how bad can it really be ? " I am here to tell you , you have NO IDEA . Every morning they wake up and go into one of their rooms to start the day 's destruction . I 'm either still in bed for a bit or doing my morning workout . At first it was great that they were entertaining themselves and not asking to watch TV . However , by week two of summer break I realized just how skilled they had become at tearing a room apart . They will be up for about 45 minutes and I will walk in to find puzzles , books , babies , baby clothes , strollers , barbies and Little People piled up around their small room . Kristi I know , I know , we shouldn 't let her sleep in our bed . We don 't really . She usually comes into our room in the middle of the night , I let her lay with us for a bit then put her back in her own bed . Sometimes I fall asleep for a while , after she comes in , then I wake up on the edge of my bed , while she is spread out in the middle of Andy and I like this . This morning , however , she didn 't come in until around 5am . I got up a bit later to go to a boot camp class . She was still awake when I got up , so I let her stay in our bed with Andy . Also , because she had peed her own bed and I didn 't feel like changing the sheets at that moment . When I came home from my class , I found her like this and Andy squished over to the left of the bed . For such a little girl she sure takes up a lot of room ! I haven 't stopped her of this habit of coming into our room , because I don 't mind it really . I also found the best way to stop it is to just deal with it for a while and she will stop on her own . At least that 's how it worked well before . We went through this same thing with Lana about a year ago , if you remember . Eventually , she just stopped waking up in the middle of the night and coming into our room . She sleeps better now than she ever did . I 'm just hoping Georgia ends up being the same way . So for now , I will miss out on a full night 's sleep and wake up on the edge of my bed . When you roll over to see this cuteness , it makes it all okay . Posted by Sonya is at an art camp this week and after I pick Lana up from her preschool camp , we go to the park near Sonya 's camp . The two little girls play until it is time to get Sonya . During their play time today , Lana ran over to me and showed me something she had found in the sand . " I found a jewel ! " she told me . Or just a clear crystal bead , but still , it was treasure to her . She asked if she could keep it and I told her she could . She carried around with her the rest of her play time at the park . Then when we were leaving she told me , she had to take the jewel from the park , not just because she liked it , but because she was helping the animals . " What do you mean ? " I asked . " Because Sissy said that when we found da Elmo book at da beach , " she explained , " we had to take it so no animals would eat it and die . " ( Quick back story on that - The girls found one of those baby , squishy bath books in the water at the beach a couple of weeks ago . They claimed it as their own , when nobody else did . I guess it was during that time Sonya told Lana it was good of them to take it so no animals would eat it and be harmed . ) " Yeah ! So they don 't get sick , " she told me . Then she held up the bead and said , " WE ' RE SAVIN ' DA WORLD ! " I just giggled to myself , because it was so cute and innocent . I love how simple a four year old sees things . If only saving the world WAS as easy as making sure a helpless animal didn 't eat a book or bead , then I 'd feel so much better about sending my girls out into it someday . Posted by Last night , after dinner , I was making homemade ice cream sundaes for everyone . The girls were anxious to get their ice cream . They were having a hard time sitting still , so Andy started to play a little game with them to keep them occupied for five minutes . Because you know , when you 're a kid , waiting five minutes for ice cream might as well be five months . So he started to ask them questions like : " Who here is a smart girl ? " Again , they all raised their hands . Andy and I were proud of the fact that they all think of themselves as smart , so point for us there . There is a story about Lana that I wanted to tell you all , but it didn 't happen while I was around . However , it is so amusing and disturbing at the same time , that I had to share . Last week my next door neighbor , Victor , came over to hang out with the little girls . Georgia was napping and I had to pick up Sonya from her day camp . I didn 't want to have to wake Georgia up to go . So Victor , who is off his job for the summer , generously agreed to stay at my house for the fifteen minutes I needed to be out . Later on that week I asked him to come over again for the same reason . Before I left , he told me he had forgotten to mention what Lana had done a few days before . Victor had come over to the house chewing gum . I don 't know if I 've mentioned on here before , but my girls are obsessed with gum . I think it 's the ghost of my Noni that influences them . My mom says she used to give us gum when we were old enough to chew it . So all three of my girls love gum , even though the older two spit it out as soon as the flavor is gone and Georgia swallows it in about three minutes . I used to be worried about that , but then that worry subsided when she started to throw a fit about me not letting her have gum . So eh - whatever I say . Okay so back to Victor chewing gum . Lana noticed it and said to him . He told her he did and was chewing it , but didn 't have anymore . At this point , she jumped up and told him she knew where the gum in our house was . She ran into the kitchen to get herself a piece and came back out chewing away . Victor didn 't question it to much since this seemed to be a normal occurrence from the way she knew where to get gum , and it certainly is . They continued to play and then after about five minutes she told him she would be right back . At this point she disappeared for a longer amount of time . Victor started to get a bit worried that she was gone for a bit to long and might be getting in to trouble , so he called for her . She came running down the hallway from the bathroom back to where he was on the couch . " Where did you go ? " He asked . Isn 't this something TEENAGERS learn to do after they 've been drinking and / or smoking to try and hide it from the parents ? My four year already FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO IT ! Although I really wouldn 't have cared about her chewing gum , she tried to hide it from me , just in case . Somewhere around the year 2021 , expect me to lose my mind . Posted by Wow I am really slacking with my writing this summer ! Sorry about that . The problem is I thrive on schedules and with summer comes lack of a schedule . So I 've sorta been all over the place and have had a hard time finding a moment to write . Today I did though ! Yay for me ! I hope all of you had a fantastic 4th of July weekend . We all had fun here in Burbank . July 4th weekend is usually a big deal in our house , because Andy 's birthday is July 2nd . It usually ends up being a three day long celebration . Needless to say we were all exhausted by yesterday . Andy even claimed he needed to go back to work for a vacation . It wast one of those weekends where we went out did something , came home and dropped off some of our things , only to turn around and go back out again . There was fishing , going out to dinners , hanging at the beach , watching a Hall and Oats concert at the Hollywood Bowl ( yes I said Hall and Oats ) , BBQing with the neighbors and going to see a concert and fireworks here in Burbank at the Starlight Bowl . See ? It was packed but it was fun all around . One of the best parts of the weekend was the fishing . We went fishing on Andy 's birthday at his request . He 's been fishing a handful of times in his life and much to his disappointment , has never caught anything . He was determined that this time he was going to fish and catch something . So determined , in fact , that he found a place that had stocked Trout ponds . A place called Trout Dale . Yes , I 'm serious . Trout Dale . It was about a forty minute drive from our house . We got there in the morning and got all set up with our fishing poles . We watched all around us as other people caught fish after fish . While we caught a lot of nothing . Andy was becoming frustrated , but I could see he wasn 't ready to give up yet . I mean these were small ponds stocked full of trout . How could you NOT catch one ? ! After about two hours , I can tell you how you can not catch one . Do it the wrong way . Who knew ? I 'll get back to that in a minute . The girls were getting a bit antsy after being out there a while . Sonya was doing okay , but the younger two . . . well , you know how they are . At least you do if you 've been reading this blog for even five minutes . They dug in the dirt for a while , had some snacks , took about 4 trips to the bathroom all while waiting for a fish to be caught . They briefly tried to fish as well , but that didn 't last long . The ponds that we were fishing from didn 't have any kind of barrier around them . The more antsy and physical they got , the more I started to worry that one of them was going to go in . It was at this point that I decided to take them to the car and see if they would sleep or , at the very least , rest . Andy was still not ready to give up on the fishing , and seeing as how it was his birthday , I figured I 'd let him try for a bit longer before I had to drag him away . Sonya stayed with Andy to continue the quest for a fish , and I sat in the car with the little girls . They decided to played Barbies instead of sleep , but at least there wasn 't a chance of them going for a swim in the pond anymore . Then I noticed Andy had moved to a different spot in the pond and watched as he talked to one of the guys who ran Trout Dale . I kept my eye on what was happening and about 5 - 10 minutes after talking to the man , I heard Sonya squeal and watched as Andy struggled to pull a big trout out of the pond . I quickly grabbed Lana and GG and ran over to where Andy had finally caught his first fish . It was already cut off the fishing line and in the bucket . We all congratulated him and while he was excited , he was a bit disappointed that he didn 't have a picture of catching his first fish . Oops . Sorry babe . So I took this one instead . He explained the couple pieces of advice the man had given him and the " power bait " he had used . I decided to try for myself and within five minutes also caught a fish , although not as big as the one Andy got . This wasn 't so hard after all ! Fortunately for me , Andy was there to take my picture . ( There was one of me " We went fishiiiinn . . . . an Daddy caught a fiiiiisssshhh . . . an Mommy caught a fiiiiissshh . . . and dere was nobody dere to take Daddy 's piccttuuurree . . . . " So , sorry about the lack of a picture babe , but you at least you have a fun memory of catching your first fish , on your birthday with your family . I love you , baby ! Happy Birthday ! I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
No real story behind this picture . I just had to share it for no other reason than , aren 't they so damn cute ? ! This was after swim lessons one day in the lifeguard office . I went to get their swim teacher 's number , because we love her and she will make a fantastic babysitter . These are the hats some of the lifeguards wear when they are on duty , so one of the guys put these on the girls , while they waited for me . They loved it and I had to take a picture because again - so DAMN CUTE ! This past Sunday we took a trip to Disneyland . Another friend of ours ( not Melinda this time ) who works for Disney wanted to take us with the girls . ( Hi Courtney ! ) She and her boyfriend don 't have kids , and thought it would be fun to go with ours . Ahhhh . . . I remember those days when hanging out with little kids was a fun novelty . Since she works for Disney this means she got us in for free . ( Thanks Courtney ! ) Works for us ! So off we went for a fun filled day in the " Happiest Place on Earth " . Despite the fact that it was July and a Sunday , we had a really great time . The lines weren 't that much worse than when we go in the middle of the week . We figured it was because they have more staff and more cars / boats / trains running . Plus Courtney and Mark are experts at visiting Disneyland and knew where to go and the secrets to the fast pass . It was hotter than when we go in November , which makes for a bit of a tiring day , but we kept everyone hydrated and found shade where we could . Besides Lana breaking down in line to see Minnie Mouse , because she " neeeeddeedd da shaaaaaadeee ! " we did pretty well . We stayed all day and into the night , for Fantasmic and fireworks . By the time we left at ten that night everyone was pretty spent . The girls were well past their bedtime and with no nap , I was surprised Georgia even had her eyes open , as we walked to the car . It didn 't take long once we got in the van though . I don 't think we were out of the parking garage before they all went out . This is not something we do on a regular basis , so a little sleep deprivation every now and then for the girls isn 't horrible . Well , until the next day . If Disneyland is the " Happiest Place on Earth " , then the day after Disney at our house is the most miserable . Inevitably , the next day everyone has what I like to refer to as , the Disneyland Hangover . Even I woke up the next morning feeling like I had downed a fifth of vodka the night before , while dancing on table tops at an L . A . night club . But no . I hadn 't had a drop of alcohol the day before , and hate dance clubs . I just had a bunch of sun , lots of walking and theme park rides . The good news was everyone slept until nine the next morning . I don 't think that has ever happened in my house . Oh Georgia tried to get up at 6 : 30am , but I put her in bed with us and encouraged her to go back to sleep . I woke up at nine to the sound of the gardeners , while laying on the edge of my bed with Georgia right next to / almost on top of me . Getting out of bed was difficult , so I decided to lay back " Sooonnyaa ! Give me my Belle thing ! It 's MINE ! " Lana yelled . Sonya says something we can 't hear , then we hear more screaming from Lana . I yell down the hallway asking what the problem was . Apparently , Sonya had taken Lana 's Disneyland toy and wouldn 't give it back , according to Lana . Lana wouldn 't ask for it nicely , according to Sonya . Andy told Sonya to give it back since she shouldn 't have taken it to begin with . We aren 't sure what exactly happened at this point , but there was running and chasing into Lana and Georgia 's room . This was followed by Georgia screaming then crying , and Lana crying . Dammit ! I guess we had to get out of bed and squelch the situation . So we dragged ourselves from our place of comfort , tired and hungover from not drinking , to fix things . We tried to get the story on what had happened , but all we really found out was that Sonya took the toy then Lana and Georgia said they didn 't want to play with her anymore . This sent Sonya ran crying form the room . All this took place ten minutes after they woke up . It was going to be a looooonngg day . I managed to get everyone settled and speaking to each other again . We had breakfast and went on with our day . There were more arguments and more crankiness than usual , from the girls too . Bedtime couldn 't come soon enough . Today is better , thank goodness . As much as I love going to Disney , I am not fond of the aftermath . I 'm sure all you parents out there can relate . It doesn 't have to be Disneyland , but any amusement park or fun time you have with your kids for an entire day which tires them out . I just wish there was a solution to this problem . Like a day after Disneyland . A place filled with pillows , blankets , coloring books , crayons and LOTS of TV shows . Right next door is the parent room filled with pillows , blankets , earplugs and LOTS of wine , or beer . Now THAT would be the Happiest Place on Earth . Posted by Okay - Georgia has been potty trained now for what - seven months now ? Since January I believe . She has even been night trained for at least two or three months . That 's why when she started peeing the bed EVERY NIGHT for the past two and a half weeks ( which has made my sleep really restful ) , and then having multiple accidents during the day , I became a bit worried . I suppose I should admit that while Georgia was the earliest and easiest to potty train , she is also the one who is the most defiant about going to the bathroom , and had the most accidents . Half the time when she announces she has to pee , she has already let a little go , leaving her underwear anywhere from a tiny bit wet to soaked and needing a new pair . She just can 't be bothered to stop her play with her sisters to take two minutes to use the bathroom . She might miss something important in those two minutes ! This is usually how getting her to use the potty goes : It 's at this point that I eventually convince her or force her to go . Usually the underwear is wet and we get new ones . As you can imagine , this is not helping my incredible laundry situation . Then a couple of weeks ago , she started wetting the bed at night . I haven 't had a pull - up on her in months . The first night or two it happened I didn 't think anything of it , because she will have an accident every now and then . But when it started happening every night , I had to put the pull up back on . Still , I thought it was just something weird for the moment . Then she started having pee accidents during the day . One while standing on Lana 's bed , one in the bathroom , one in my bedroom , one in her car seat when she fell asleep on our way to the Getty museum , and then the one that sealed it for me . The one AT the Getty Museum . THAT was fun . The good news was we were in the Children 's room at the museum and not in front of some priceless piece of art where everyone would be walking by with disapproving stares . ( YOU try to get her to pee disapproving people ! ) No , this was just while she was standing on a stool coloring with Sonya and Lana . I had asked her about two minutes before if she had to use the bathroom . Of course her answer was no . I knew her bladder had to be filling up because she had drank so much at lunch time . I told the girls we had five more minutes . Then we had to leave that area and find a bathroom , since I was sure Georgia would be asking for one at any moment . No need for finding the bathroom though because , as they all stood drawing and coloring , Georgia calmly said , " I 'm peeing . " Just like that . No warning . No , " quick I have to go now ! " . Just , " I 'm peeing " . It was like telling me she was hungry or tired . The pee ran down her leg and quickly puddled on the stool . Stupidly , I tried to tell her to stop , but come on , I can 't do that myself so how is a three year old going to ? I grabbed some wipees , cleaned up the mess on the floor , took the girls and went in search of a bathroom to change her . The bad thing , or even worse thing , about this situation was I had no extra underwear . I had put her extras on her when were in the car and I discovered she had peed herself on the way to the museum . I did have stretch pants and a shirt for her though . So Georgia went commando for the rest of the afternoon . The next day I called the Doctor , because this just didn 't seem right to me . My youngest sister Megan , who is a nurse , thought it was a good idea too . She thought that there was a small chance that she could have a UTI , even if she wasn 't complaining about any pain . On Wednesday afternoon we took a little trip to visit the pediatrician . After I explained the situation , the nurse handed me a cup for Georgia to pee in . " Nice . That should be easy , " was my sarcastic thought . However , as it turned out , it wasn 't that difficult and it became the highlight of every one 's day . Especially Georgia . For the rest of the afternoon she talked about peeing in the cup . As soon as Andy came home from work , " Daddy , I peed in da cup ! " The next morning when she woke up , she told me about how we went to the Doctor 's the day before and she - " peed in da cup ! ! " She 's going to be super excited when she gets pregnant some day and has to pee in the cup ! every time she goes to a prenatal visit . They did an initial test of her urine at the pediatrician 's office , and they didn 't see anything unusual . No UTI , no diabetes , so that was good . The Doctor asked me if there was anything unusual or stressful going on in her life , but there isn 't unless you count the summer craziness . I suppose it 's just a phase she 's going through . At leKristi Well , the summer is moving right along . In just three and a half short weeks Sonya will be back in school . Yes , it is earlier than most schools , but they did get out before Memorial Day . It 's been a fun time on the one hand . We 've been able to go on little " field trips " to museums , the farm , and amusement parks , since nobody is in school . It 's also been difficult trying to figure out what kind of schedule we have every week between day camps , swim lessons and gymnastics . There is one thing , however , that has been driving me absolutely crazy , just about every day . The mess in the house . I guess I should preface this by admitting that I 'm a bit of a clean freak . It 's really my mother 's fault . Our house was always immaculate when I was a kid , thanks to her . When I was old enough , it was because my sisters and I cleaned it that way . So I 'm not really fond of messes and especially clutter . Something we seem to accumulate easier because of how small our house is . That and the fact that we 've lived here almost nine years . Since the three girls are home all day long , the amount of toys that get taken out and played with , is just about all of them . Every day . At the end of the day , I make them clean up their rooms . And that , that my friends is the worst part of all of this . They seem to view the cleaning up the mess as a fate worse than taking away their ice cream . You would think I was trying to pull out their toenails , the way they complain . It 's about this time that I start to lose my temper , and make all kind of empty threats like " summer fun will be over for you guys ! " or , " you 're going to bed without stories " and my personal favorite , " I will put all of these toys in a trash bag and take them to the poor kids ! " I 've even pulled out a trash bag a time or two on that one . I 'm not proud that I do it , but I so can 't help it . I can 't take the disorder , and I become incredibly frustrated when they start whining about having to clean up the gigantic mess that THEY made in the first place . Now I know you 're probably wondering " how bad can it really be ? " I am here to tell you , you have NO IDEA . Every morning they wake up and go into one of their rooms to start the day 's destruction . I 'm either still in bed for a bit or doing my morning workout . At first it was great that they were entertaining themselves and not asking to watch TV . However , by week two of summer break I realized just how skilled they had become at tearing a room apart . They will be up for about 45 minutes and I will walk in to find puzzles , books , babies , baby clothes , strollers , barbies and Little People piled up around their small room . Kristi I know , I know , we shouldn 't let her sleep in our bed . We don 't really . She usually comes into our room in the middle of the night , I let her lay with us for a bit then put her back in her own bed . Sometimes I fall asleep for a while , after she comes in , then I wake up on the edge of my bed , while she is spread out in the middle of Andy and I like this . This morning , however , she didn 't come in until around 5am . I got up a bit later to go to a boot camp class . She was still awake when I got up , so I let her stay in our bed with Andy . Also , because she had peed her own bed and I didn 't feel like changing the sheets at that moment . When I came home from my class , I found her like this and Andy squished over to the left of the bed . For such a little girl she sure takes up a lot of room ! I haven 't stopped her of this habit of coming into our room , because I don 't mind it really . I also found the best way to stop it is to just deal with it for a while and she will stop on her own . At least that 's how it worked well before . We went through this same thing with Lana about a year ago , if you remember . Eventually , she just stopped waking up in the middle of the night and coming into our room . She sleeps better now than she ever did . I 'm just hoping Georgia ends up being the same way . So for now , I will miss out on a full night 's sleep and wake up on the edge of my bed . When you roll over to see this cuteness , it makes it all okay . Posted by Sonya is at an art camp this week and after I pick Lana up from her preschool camp , we go to the park near Sonya 's camp . The two little girls play until it is time to get Sonya . During their play time today , Lana ran over to me and showed me something she had found in the sand . " I found a jewel ! " she told me . Or just a clear crystal bead , but still , it was treasure to her . She asked if she could keep it and I told her she could . She carried around with her the rest of her play time at the park . Then when we were leaving she told me , she had to take the jewel from the park , not just because she liked it , but because she was helping the animals . " What do you mean ? " I asked . " Because Sissy said that when we found da Elmo book at da beach , " she explained , " we had to take it so no animals would eat it and die . " ( Quick back story on that - The girls found one of those baby , squishy bath books in the water at the beach a couple of weeks ago . They claimed it as their own , when nobody else did . I guess it was during that time Sonya told Lana it was good of them to take it so no animals would eat it and be harmed . ) " Yeah ! So they don 't get sick , " she told me . Then she held up the bead and said , " WE ' RE SAVIN ' DA WORLD ! " I just giggled to myself , because it was so cute and innocent . I love how simple a four year old sees things . If only saving the world WAS as easy as making sure a helpless animal didn 't eat a book or bead , then I 'd feel so much better about sending my girls out into it someday . Posted by Last night , after dinner , I was making homemade ice cream sundaes for everyone . The girls were anxious to get their ice cream . They were having a hard time sitting still , so Andy started to play a little game with them to keep them occupied for five minutes . Because you know , when you 're a kid , waiting five minutes for ice cream might as well be five months . So he started to ask them questions like : " Who here is a smart girl ? " Again , they all raised their hands . Andy and I were proud of the fact that they all think of themselves as smart , so point for us there . There is a story about Lana that I wanted to tell you all , but it didn 't happen while I was around . However , it is so amusing and disturbing at the same time , that I had to share . Last week my next door neighbor , Victor , came over to hang out with the little girls . Georgia was napping and I had to pick up Sonya from her day camp . I didn 't want to have to wake Georgia up to go . So Victor , who is off his job for the summer , generously agreed to stay at my house for the fifteen minutes I needed to be out . Later on that week I asked him to come over again for the same reason . Before I left , he told me he had forgotten to mention what Lana had done a few days before . Victor had come over to the house chewing gum . I don 't know if I 've mentioned on here before , but my girls are obsessed with gum . I think it 's the ghost of my Noni that influences them . My mom says she used to give us gum when we were old enough to chew it . So all three of my girls love gum , even though the older two spit it out as soon as the flavor is gone and Georgia swallows it in about three minutes . I used to be worried about that , but then that worry subsided when she started to throw a fit about me not letting her have gum . So eh - whatever I say . Okay so back to Victor chewing gum . Lana noticed it and said to him . He told her he did and was chewing it , but didn 't have anymore . At this point , she jumped up and told him she knew where the gum in our house was . She ran into the kitchen to get herself a piece and came back out chewing away . Victor didn 't question it to much since this seemed to be a normal occurrence from the way she knew where to get gum , and it certainly is . They continued to play and then after about five minutes she told him she would be right back . At this point she disappeared for a longer amount of time . Victor started to get a bit worried that she was gone for a bit to long and might be getting in to trouble , so he called for her . She came running down the hallway from the bathroom back to where he was on the couch . " Where did you go ? " He asked . Isn 't this something TEENAGERS learn to do after they 've been drinking and / or smoking to try and hide it from the parents ? My four year already FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO IT ! Although I really wouldn 't have cared about her chewing gum , she tried to hide it from me , just in case . Somewhere around the year 2021 , expect me to lose my mind . Posted by Wow I am really slacking with my writing this summer ! Sorry about that . The problem is I thrive on schedules and with summer comes lack of a schedule . So I 've sorta been all over the place and have had a hard time finding a moment to write . Today I did though ! Yay for me ! I hope all of you had a fantastic 4th of July weekend . We all had fun here in Burbank . July 4th weekend is usually a big deal in our house , because Andy 's birthday is July 2nd . It usually ends up being a three day long celebration . Needless to say we were all exhausted by yesterday . Andy even claimed he needed to go back to work for a vacation . It wast one of those weekends where we went out did something , came home and dropped off some of our things , only to turn around and go back out again . There was fishing , going out to dinners , hanging at the beach , watching a Hall and Oats concert at the Hollywood Bowl ( yes I said Hall and Oats ) , BBQing with the neighbors and going to see a concert and fireworks here in Burbank at the Starlight Bowl . See ? It was packed but it was fun all around . One of the best parts of the weekend was the fishing . We went fishing on Andy 's birthday at his request . He 's been fishing a handful of times in his life and much to his disappointment , has never caught anything . He was determined that this time he was going to fish and catch something . So determined , in fact , that he found a place that had stocked Trout ponds . A place called Trout Dale . Yes , I 'm serious . Trout Dale . It was about a forty minute drive from our house . We got there in the morning and got all set up with our fishing poles . We watched all around us as other people caught fish after fish . While we caught a lot of nothing . Andy was becoming frustrated , but I could see he wasn 't ready to give up yet . I mean these were small ponds stocked full of trout . How could you NOT catch one ? ! After about two hours , I can tell you how you can not catch one . Do it the wrong way . Who knew ? I 'll get back to that in a minute . The girls were getting a bit antsy after being out there a while . Sonya was doing okay , but the younger two . . . well , you know how they are . At least you do if you 've been reading this blog for even five minutes . They dug in the dirt for a while , had some snacks , took about 4 trips to the bathroom all while waiting for a fish to be caught . They briefly tried to fish as well , but that didn 't last long . The ponds that we were fishing from didn 't have any kind of barrier around them . The more antsy and physical they got , the more I started to worry that one of them was going to go in . It was at this point that I decided to take them to the car and see if they would sleep or , at the very least , rest . Andy was still not ready to give up on the fishing , and seeing as how it was his birthday , I figured I 'd let him try for a bit longer before I had to drag him away . Sonya stayed with Andy to continue the quest for a fish , and I sat in the car with the little girls . They decided to played Barbies instead of sleep , but at least there wasn 't a chance of them going for a swim in the pond anymore . Then I noticed Andy had moved to a different spot in the pond and watched as he talked to one of the guys who ran Trout Dale . I kept my eye on what was happening and about 5 - 10 minutes after talking to the man , I heard Sonya squeal and watched as Andy struggled to pull a big trout out of the pond . I quickly grabbed Lana and GG and ran over to where Andy had finally caught his first fish . It was already cut off the fishing line and in the bucket . We all congratulated him and while he was excited , he was a bit disappointed that he didn 't have a picture of catching his first fish . Oops . Sorry babe . So I took this one instead . He explained the couple pieces of advice the man had given him and the " power bait " he had used . I decided to try for myself and within five minutes also caught a fish , although not as big as the one Andy got . This wasn 't so hard after all ! Fortunately for me , Andy was there to take my picture . ( There was one of me " We went fishiiiinn . . . . an Daddy caught a fiiiiisssshhh . . . an Mommy caught a fiiiiissshh . . . and dere was nobody dere to take Daddy 's piccttuuurree . . . . " So , sorry about the lack of a picture babe , but you at least you have a fun memory of catching your first fish , on your birthday with your family . I love you , baby ! Happy Birthday ! I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
No real story behind this picture . I just had to share it for no other reason than , aren 't they so damn cute ? ! This was after swim lessons one day in the lifeguard office . I went to get their swim teacher 's number , because we love her and she will make a fantastic babysitter . These are the hats some of the lifeguards wear when they are on duty , so one of the guys put these on the girls , while they waited for me . They loved it and I had to take a picture because again - so DAMN CUTE ! This past Sunday we took a trip to Disneyland . Another friend of ours ( not Melinda this time ) who works for Disney wanted to take us with the girls . ( Hi Courtney ! ) She and her boyfriend don 't have kids , and thought it would be fun to go with ours . Ahhhh . . . I remember those days when hanging out with little kids was a fun novelty . Since she works for Disney this means she got us in for free . ( Thanks Courtney ! ) Works for us ! So off we went for a fun filled day in the " Happiest Place on Earth " . Despite the fact that it was July and a Sunday , we had a really great time . The lines weren 't that much worse than when we go in the middle of the week . We figured it was because they have more staff and more cars / boats / trains running . Plus Courtney and Mark are experts at visiting Disneyland and knew where to go and the secrets to the fast pass . It was hotter than when we go in November , which makes for a bit of a tiring day , but we kept everyone hydrated and found shade where we could . Besides Lana breaking down in line to see Minnie Mouse , because she " neeeeddeedd da shaaaaaadeee ! " we did pretty well . We stayed all day and into the night , for Fantasmic and fireworks . By the time we left at ten that night everyone was pretty spent . The girls were well past their bedtime and with no nap , I was surprised Georgia even had her eyes open , as we walked to the car . It didn 't take long once we got in the van though . I don 't think we were out of the parking garage before they all went out . This is not something we do on a regular basis , so a little sleep deprivation every now and then for the girls isn 't horrible . Well , until the next day . If Disneyland is the " Happiest Place on Earth " , then the day after Disney at our house is the most miserable . Inevitably , the next day everyone has what I like to refer to as , the Disneyland Hangover . Even I woke up the next morning feeling like I had downed a fifth of vodka the night before , while dancing on table tops at an L . A . night club . But no . I hadn 't had a drop of alcohol the day before , and hate dance clubs . I just had a bunch of sun , lots of walking and theme park rides . The good news was everyone slept until nine the next morning . I don 't think that has ever happened in my house . Oh Georgia tried to get up at 6 : 30am , but I put her in bed with us and encouraged her to go back to sleep . I woke up at nine to the sound of the gardeners , while laying on the edge of my bed with Georgia right next to / almost on top of me . Getting out of bed was difficult , so I decided to lay back " Sooonnyaa ! Give me my Belle thing ! It 's MINE ! " Lana yelled . Sonya says something we can 't hear , then we hear more screaming from Lana . I yell down the hallway asking what the problem was . Apparently , Sonya had taken Lana 's Disneyland toy and wouldn 't give it back , according to Lana . Lana wouldn 't ask for it nicely , according to Sonya . Andy told Sonya to give it back since she shouldn 't have taken it to begin with . We aren 't sure what exactly happened at this point , but there was running and chasing into Lana and Georgia 's room . This was followed by Georgia screaming then crying , and Lana crying . Dammit ! I guess we had to get out of bed and squelch the situation . So we dragged ourselves from our place of comfort , tired and hungover from not drinking , to fix things . We tried to get the story on what had happened , but all we really found out was that Sonya took the toy then Lana and Georgia said they didn 't want to play with her anymore . This sent Sonya ran crying form the room . All this took place ten minutes after they woke up . It was going to be a looooonngg day . I managed to get everyone settled and speaking to each other again . We had breakfast and went on with our day . There were more arguments and more crankiness than usual , from the girls too . Bedtime couldn 't come soon enough . Today is better , thank goodness . As much as I love going to Disney , I am not fond of the aftermath . I 'm sure all you parents out there can relate . It doesn 't have to be Disneyland , but any amusement park or fun time you have with your kids for an entire day which tires them out . I just wish there was a solution to this problem . Like a day after Disneyland . A place filled with pillows , blankets , coloring books , crayons and LOTS of TV shows . Right next door is the parent room filled with pillows , blankets , earplugs and LOTS of wine , or beer . Now THAT would be the Happiest Place on Earth . Posted by Okay - Georgia has been potty trained now for what - seven months now ? Since January I believe . She has even been night trained for at least two or three months . That 's why when she started peeing the bed EVERY NIGHT for the past two and a half weeks ( which has made my sleep really restful ) , and then having multiple accidents during the day , I became a bit worried . I suppose I should admit that while Georgia was the earliest and easiest to potty train , she is also the one who is the most defiant about going to the bathroom , and had the most accidents . Half the time when she announces she has to pee , she has already let a little go , leaving her underwear anywhere from a tiny bit wet to soaked and needing a new pair . She just can 't be bothered to stop her play with her sisters to take two minutes to use the bathroom . She might miss something important in those two minutes ! This is usually how getting her to use the potty goes : It 's at this point that I eventually convince her or force her to go . Usually the underwear is wet and we get new ones . As you can imagine , this is not helping my incredible laundry situation . Then a couple of weeks ago , she started wetting the bed at night . I haven 't had a pull - up on her in months . The first night or two it happened I didn 't think anything of it , because she will have an accident every now and then . But when it started happening every night , I had to put the pull up back on . Still , I thought it was just something weird for the moment . Then she started having pee accidents during the day . One while standing on Lana 's bed , one in the bathroom , one in my bedroom , one in her car seat when she fell asleep on our way to the Getty museum , and then the one that sealed it for me . The one AT the Getty Museum . THAT was fun . The good news was we were in the Children 's room at the museum and not in front of some priceless piece of art where everyone would be walking by with disapproving stares . ( YOU try to get her to pee disapproving people ! ) No , this was just while she was standing on a stool coloring with Sonya and Lana . I had asked her about two minutes before if she had to use the bathroom . Of course her answer was no . I knew her bladder had to be filling up because she had drank so much at lunch time . I told the girls we had five more minutes . Then we had to leave that area and find a bathroom , since I was sure Georgia would be asking for one at any moment . No need for finding the bathroom though because , as they all stood drawing and coloring , Georgia calmly said , " I 'm peeing . " Just like that . No warning . No , " quick I have to go now ! " . Just , " I 'm peeing " . It was like telling me she was hungry or tired . The pee ran down her leg and quickly puddled on the stool . Stupidly , I tried to tell her to stop , but come on , I can 't do that myself so how is a three year old going to ? I grabbed some wipees , cleaned up the mess on the floor , took the girls and went in search of a bathroom to change her . The bad thing , or even worse thing , about this situation was I had no extra underwear . I had put her extras on her when were in the car and I discovered she had peed herself on the way to the museum . I did have stretch pants and a shirt for her though . So Georgia went commando for the rest of the afternoon . The next day I called the Doctor , because this just didn 't seem right to me . My youngest sister Megan , who is a nurse , thought it was a good idea too . She thought that there was a small chance that she could have a UTI , even if she wasn 't complaining about any pain . On Wednesday afternoon we took a little trip to visit the pediatrician . After I explained the situation , the nurse handed me a cup for Georgia to pee in . " Nice . That should be easy , " was my sarcastic thought . However , as it turned out , it wasn 't that difficult and it became the highlight of every one 's day . Especially Georgia . For the rest of the afternoon she talked about peeing in the cup . As soon as Andy came home from work , " Daddy , I peed in da cup ! " The next morning when she woke up , she told me about how we went to the Doctor 's the day before and she - " peed in da cup ! ! " She 's going to be super excited when she gets pregnant some day and has to pee in the cup ! every time she goes to a prenatal visit . They did an initial test of her urine at the pediatrician 's office , and they didn 't see anything unusual . No UTI , no diabetes , so that was good . The Doctor asked me if there was anything unusual or stressful going on in her life , but there isn 't unless you count the summer craziness . I suppose it 's just a phase she 's going through . At leKristi Well , the summer is moving right along . In just three and a half short weeks Sonya will be back in school . Yes , it is earlier than most schools , but they did get out before Memorial Day . It 's been a fun time on the one hand . We 've been able to go on little " field trips " to museums , the farm , and amusement parks , since nobody is in school . It 's also been difficult trying to figure out what kind of schedule we have every week between day camps , swim lessons and gymnastics . There is one thing , however , that has been driving me absolutely crazy , just about every day . The mess in the house . I guess I should preface this by admitting that I 'm a bit of a clean freak . It 's really my mother 's fault . Our house was always immaculate when I was a kid , thanks to her . When I was old enough , it was because my sisters and I cleaned it that way . So I 'm not really fond of messes and especially clutter . Something we seem to accumulate easier because of how small our house is . That and the fact that we 've lived here almost nine years . Since the three girls are home all day long , the amount of toys that get taken out and played with , is just about all of them . Every day . At the end of the day , I make them clean up their rooms . And that , that my friends is the worst part of all of this . They seem to view the cleaning up the mess as a fate worse than taking away their ice cream . You would think I was trying to pull out their toenails , the way they complain . It 's about this time that I start to lose my temper , and make all kind of empty threats like " summer fun will be over for you guys ! " or , " you 're going to bed without stories " and my personal favorite , " I will put all of these toys in a trash bag and take them to the poor kids ! " I 've even pulled out a trash bag a time or two on that one . I 'm not proud that I do it , but I so can 't help it . I can 't take the disorder , and I become incredibly frustrated when they start whining about having to clean up the gigantic mess that THEY made in the first place . Now I know you 're probably wondering " how bad can it really be ? " I am here to tell you , you have NO IDEA . Every morning they wake up and go into one of their rooms to start the day 's destruction . I 'm either still in bed for a bit or doing my morning workout . At first it was great that they were entertaining themselves and not asking to watch TV . However , by week two of summer break I realized just how skilled they had become at tearing a room apart . They will be up for about 45 minutes and I will walk in to find puzzles , books , babies , baby clothes , strollers , barbies and Little People piled up around their small room . Kristi I know , I know , we shouldn 't let her sleep in our bed . We don 't really . She usually comes into our room in the middle of the night , I let her lay with us for a bit then put her back in her own bed . Sometimes I fall asleep for a while , after she comes in , then I wake up on the edge of my bed , while she is spread out in the middle of Andy and I like this . This morning , however , she didn 't come in until around 5am . I got up a bit later to go to a boot camp class . She was still awake when I got up , so I let her stay in our bed with Andy . Also , because she had peed her own bed and I didn 't feel like changing the sheets at that moment . When I came home from my class , I found her like this and Andy squished over to the left of the bed . For such a little girl she sure takes up a lot of room ! I haven 't stopped her of this habit of coming into our room , because I don 't mind it really . I also found the best way to stop it is to just deal with it for a while and she will stop on her own . At least that 's how it worked well before . We went through this same thing with Lana about a year ago , if you remember . Eventually , she just stopped waking up in the middle of the night and coming into our room . She sleeps better now than she ever did . I 'm just hoping Georgia ends up being the same way . So for now , I will miss out on a full night 's sleep and wake up on the edge of my bed . When you roll over to see this cuteness , it makes it all okay . Posted by Sonya is at an art camp this week and after I pick Lana up from her preschool camp , we go to the park near Sonya 's camp . The two little girls play until it is time to get Sonya . During their play time today , Lana ran over to me and showed me something she had found in the sand . " I found a jewel ! " she told me . Or just a clear crystal bead , but still , it was treasure to her . She asked if she could keep it and I told her she could . She carried around with her the rest of her play time at the park . Then when we were leaving she told me , she had to take the jewel from the park , not just because she liked it , but because she was helping the animals . " What do you mean ? " I asked . " Because Sissy said that when we found da Elmo book at da beach , " she explained , " we had to take it so no animals would eat it and die . " ( Quick back story on that - The girls found one of those baby , squishy bath books in the water at the beach a couple of weeks ago . They claimed it as their own , when nobody else did . I guess it was during that time Sonya told Lana it was good of them to take it so no animals would eat it and be harmed . ) " Yeah ! So they don 't get sick , " she told me . Then she held up the bead and said , " WE ' RE SAVIN ' DA WORLD ! " I just giggled to myself , because it was so cute and innocent . I love how simple a four year old sees things . If only saving the world WAS as easy as making sure a helpless animal didn 't eat a book or bead , then I 'd feel so much better about sending my girls out into it someday . Posted by Last night , after dinner , I was making homemade ice cream sundaes for everyone . The girls were anxious to get their ice cream . They were having a hard time sitting still , so Andy started to play a little game with them to keep them occupied for five minutes . Because you know , when you 're a kid , waiting five minutes for ice cream might as well be five months . So he started to ask them questions like : " Who here is a smart girl ? " Again , they all raised their hands . Andy and I were proud of the fact that they all think of themselves as smart , so point for us there . There is a story about Lana that I wanted to tell you all , but it didn 't happen while I was around . However , it is so amusing and disturbing at the same time , that I had to share . Last week my next door neighbor , Victor , came over to hang out with the little girls . Georgia was napping and I had to pick up Sonya from her day camp . I didn 't want to have to wake Georgia up to go . So Victor , who is off his job for the summer , generously agreed to stay at my house for the fifteen minutes I needed to be out . Later on that week I asked him to come over again for the same reason . Before I left , he told me he had forgotten to mention what Lana had done a few days before . Victor had come over to the house chewing gum . I don 't know if I 've mentioned on here before , but my girls are obsessed with gum . I think it 's the ghost of my Noni that influences them . My mom says she used to give us gum when we were old enough to chew it . So all three of my girls love gum , even though the older two spit it out as soon as the flavor is gone and Georgia swallows it in about three minutes . I used to be worried about that , but then that worry subsided when she started to throw a fit about me not letting her have gum . So eh - whatever I say . Okay so back to Victor chewing gum . Lana noticed it and said to him . He told her he did and was chewing it , but didn 't have anymore . At this point , she jumped up and told him she knew where the gum in our house was . She ran into the kitchen to get herself a piece and came back out chewing away . Victor didn 't question it to much since this seemed to be a normal occurrence from the way she knew where to get gum , and it certainly is . They continued to play and then after about five minutes she told him she would be right back . At this point she disappeared for a longer amount of time . Victor started to get a bit worried that she was gone for a bit to long and might be getting in to trouble , so he called for her . She came running down the hallway from the bathroom back to where he was on the couch . " Where did you go ? " He asked . Isn 't this something TEENAGERS learn to do after they 've been drinking and / or smoking to try and hide it from the parents ? My four year already FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO IT ! Although I really wouldn 't have cared about her chewing gum , she tried to hide it from me , just in case . Somewhere around the year 2021 , expect me to lose my mind . Posted by Wow I am really slacking with my writing this summer ! Sorry about that . The problem is I thrive on schedules and with summer comes lack of a schedule . So I 've sorta been all over the place and have had a hard time finding a moment to write . Today I did though ! Yay for me ! I hope all of you had a fantastic 4th of July weekend . We all had fun here in Burbank . July 4th weekend is usually a big deal in our house , because Andy 's birthday is July 2nd . It usually ends up being a three day long celebration . Needless to say we were all exhausted by yesterday . Andy even claimed he needed to go back to work for a vacation . It wast one of those weekends where we went out did something , came home and dropped off some of our things , only to turn around and go back out again . There was fishing , going out to dinners , hanging at the beach , watching a Hall and Oats concert at the Hollywood Bowl ( yes I said Hall and Oats ) , BBQing with the neighbors and going to see a concert and fireworks here in Burbank at the Starlight Bowl . See ? It was packed but it was fun all around . One of the best parts of the weekend was the fishing . We went fishing on Andy 's birthday at his request . He 's been fishing a handful of times in his life and much to his disappointment , has never caught anything . He was determined that this time he was going to fish and catch something . So determined , in fact , that he found a place that had stocked Trout ponds . A place called Trout Dale . Yes , I 'm serious . Trout Dale . It was about a forty minute drive from our house . We got there in the morning and got all set up with our fishing poles . We watched all around us as other people caught fish after fish . While we caught a lot of nothing . Andy was becoming frustrated , but I could see he wasn 't ready to give up yet . I mean these were small ponds stocked full of trout . How could you NOT catch one ? ! After about two hours , I can tell you how you can not catch one . Do it the wrong way . Who knew ? I 'll get back to that in a minute . The girls were getting a bit antsy after being out there a while . Sonya was doing okay , but the younger two . . . well , you know how they are . At least you do if you 've been reading this blog for even five minutes . They dug in the dirt for a while , had some snacks , took about 4 trips to the bathroom all while waiting for a fish to be caught . They briefly tried to fish as well , but that didn 't last long . The ponds that we were fishing from didn 't have any kind of barrier around them . The more antsy and physical they got , the more I started to worry that one of them was going to go in . It was at this point that I decided to take them to the car and see if they would sleep or , at the very least , rest . Andy was still not ready to give up on the fishing , and seeing as how it was his birthday , I figured I 'd let him try for a bit longer before I had to drag him away . Sonya stayed with Andy to continue the quest for a fish , and I sat in the car with the little girls . They decided to played Barbies instead of sleep , but at least there wasn 't a chance of them going for a swim in the pond anymore . Then I noticed Andy had moved to a different spot in the pond and watched as he talked to one of the guys who ran Trout Dale . I kept my eye on what was happening and about 5 - 10 minutes after talking to the man , I heard Sonya squeal and watched as Andy struggled to pull a big trout out of the pond . I quickly grabbed Lana and GG and ran over to where Andy had finally caught his first fish . It was already cut off the fishing line and in the bucket . We all congratulated him and while he was excited , he was a bit disappointed that he didn 't have a picture of catching his first fish . Oops . Sorry babe . So I took this one instead . He explained the couple pieces of advice the man had given him and the " power bait " he had used . I decided to try for myself and within five minutes also caught a fish , although not as big as the one Andy got . This wasn 't so hard after all ! Fortunately for me , Andy was there to take my picture . ( There was one of me " We went fishiiiinn . . . . an Daddy caught a fiiiiisssshhh . . . an Mommy caught a fiiiiissshh . . . and dere was nobody dere to take Daddy 's piccttuuurree . . . . " So , sorry about the lack of a picture babe , but you at least you have a fun memory of catching your first fish , on your birthday with your family . I love you , baby ! Happy Birthday ! I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
We have a baby girl . She was born on Christmas Day . We called her Angela , our little angel . Like the sun , everything revolves around her . Once , I used to put my head down on my pillow at night and not wake up again until morning . Not now . Nowadays , I 'm lucky if I get three hours uninterrupted * sleep . But I don 't mind . I 'm a father ; I 'm an incredibly proud , incredibly lucky father . Sometimes when Angela wakes me up at night , I don 't get back to sleep again . Usually , I take a spare duvet * and go downstairs into the living room . Then I sit and think about that night in the Fish and Chip shop . I haven 't told Helen anything about it . As far as she knows , the car broke down and I had to walk part of the way home . I look at my watch and take a sip of my tea . I 've been awake since four , when Angela woke me up . It is nearly six now and still dark outside . There is also snow on the ground . Even if I couldn 't see it lying on the top of cars , I would know : snow and neon streetlights create an unmistakeable orange glow . I shiver at the thought of stepping out , but there is no alternative : I used the last remaining nappy * last night . I 'll get some more - no big deal * . There is a 24hr supermarket a mile away . I 'll take the car and be back in twenty minutes . After I clear the snow off the car and get the car started , I put the heater on full and wait for the car to warm up . The warm air blowing on my legs feels good . I think of little Angela sleeping in her cot * all cosy and wrapped up in blankets . I smile . She is safe and warm and in my life . I drive off and head for the supermarket . Everything around me is deserted . I am in a snow desert . But up ahead is a junction . It is the turn that takes me onto the main road . The road I am on has been salted and covered in grit , but I slow almost to a crawl nonetheless . Next to the turn , there is bus shelter . I apply the brakes gently , getting ready to turn . I check to my left . All clear . As begin to turn right , I see that there is someone in the shelter . The person is huddled on the ground , covered with a light blanket . I feel suddenly sorry for this poor soul . Maybe I should stop and give the person some money or help in some way . As I move onto the main road , the person in the shelter suddenly sits up . I only get a glimpse , but I am sure . I am sure it is George . I am on the main road now . It has been cleared of snow . There are other cars , behind and in front . I pick up speed . I look in the mirror . George is still sitting up . He is watching me drive away . I can feel his eyes . They are locked onto my car . I press the accelerator harder . I watch in the mirror until George and the shelter have disappeared . The car slowed down and stopped . Angela put the car into neutral and I sighed . I was home . After all that had happened , I had made it back to my wife . I looked at my house and then turned to Angela , the woman who had been brave enough to help me . ' I can 't thank you enough , ' I said . ' If it hadn 't been for you … ' Wary of slipping , I trod carefully up my driveway and was suddenly aware of snowflakes tumbling * past me . I stopped and stared into the looming * sky . The delicate flakes tumbled out of it and met with my skin . Sunrise was hours away , but to the east , a paler darkness was forming . I looked at my watch , and looked at it again . At some point during the night it had stopped . I guessed the time might be around five - early , but I knew Helen would be up . She must be frantic * . What was I going to tell her ? I stopped and looked in my front window . It was bow - shaped and its centre sat our Christmas tree , its lights glowing amongst the baubles * and pine needles * . I stared at it . I couldn 't see them , but I knew that at the base of the tree , there were gifts wrapped in bows , waiting to be opened . The life I had - a loving wife , a comfortable home , an unborn child - was now just a turn of the key away . I had come so close to losing it all , but I hadn 't . I ran until I could run no further . When I eventually stopped , I could barely stand . Gasping * , I looked back towards the village . Was it the same night or the next ? I wasn 't sure and didn 't even care . An orange glow lit the sky above where I presumed * the shop was . For a moment , a vision of the shopkeeper , dead on the floor with flames tearing at him , filled my head . Suddenly , out of the dark , a car 's headlights flashed , disappeared and re - appeared again , weaving * along the bending road towards me . I ran into the middle of the road , waving my arms and shouting . There was a screech of brakes , and the car slowed down . It tried to go past me , but I launched myself onto its bonnet and made it stop . Inches from my face , a frightened young woman stared back at me through the front windscreen glass . ' I need to get home to my wife . She 's pregnant . I ran out of petrol . You 've got to help me . Please . Please . ' I looked at the woman 's face . ' I 'm begging you . ' I could see that she didn 't know what to do . I was a stranger in the night ; I could be a madman , but I could also be telling the truth . ' Please , ' I said again , ' It 's Christmas and I don 't want to miss the birth of my child . ' The woman bit her lip and looked around herself as though she were looking for someone who could make the decision for her . George didn 't answer . It was a stupid question . I had stood and watched while the shopkeeper 's limbs had thrashed * , while his face had contorted * , while George 's grip had tightened , while the shopkeeper had breathed his last breath and become still … I stared . I couldn 't think . The nightmare had taken yet another turn . I was numb . What were we going to do ? This man had tried to kill us , and now he was dead , murdered in front of me . It was self - defence . The shopkeeper was a maniac * . Who knows how many other people he had killed . But George had committed a crime . He had made us criminals . There would have to be an investigation . We would have to defend our actions … George had a bundle of newspapers in his hands . He dropped them next to the body and began collecting more . He looked at me over his shoulder . I was in shock . I had no idea what he was doing . It was only when he returned with more papers , reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter that I understood . ' I 'm not explaining anything , ' he said . George stretched out his fingers and his nails touched the knife 's handle . By the tips * of his nails , millimetre - by - millimetre , he dragged the knife closer to him . The shopkeeper on the floor groaned again . ' Hurry ! ' I hissed . George had a good hold of the knife 's handle now . I slipped my hands down the pipe to the knife 's blade and together we began to cut through the rope that held us . I don 't know how long it took , but suddenly our hands were free . We sat there for a moment , neither of us moving . I picked up the knife and stood . The room was eerily * silent . ' I 'm going to call the police , ' I said . ' We should tie him first , ' said George . I nodded . With the rope that he had used on us , we bound * the shopkeeper 's hands behind his back . When we finished , I stepped over the shopkeeper and went into the other room . The mobile phone was on a table . I walked over to it and picked it up . The screen was blank . I tried to switch it on , but nothing happened . I removed the back . No battery . It was a ruse * to get me back here . I wondered how many times he had done this . How many people had he tricked and killed ? I put the phone down on the table and turned . I froze when I saw the scene in the storeroom next door . George was sitting on top of the shopkeeper with his hands around the shopkeeper 's neck . The shopkeeper was awake . Eyes bulging * , his face tortured , he was kicking and thrashing his legs , trying to break free of George 's grip . ' No , please , ' I pleaded . ' I have a wife and a family … . ' I thrashed * my legs , aiming kicks towards him , trying to stop him from coming closer . I was desperate . It was a life and death situation . Afterwards , I felt ashamed * , but at the time I meant every word . ' Kill him ! Kill him ! ' I shouted and looked at George . ' He 's got nothing to live for . Don 't kill me . Kill him ! I won 't tell . Just let me go ! ' The man took one step more then stopped . My heart jumped . ' He 's got no one , ' I said , almost whispering , ' No one will miss him . Kill him but not me . Just let me go . You 'll never see me again . ' As I spoke , I glanced at George . His face said that he had heard my betrayal * but was struggling to believe it . ' You should get better friends , ' said the shopkeeper , changing his angle of attack and moving towards George . The knife rose up . I closed my eyes . What had happened ? I opened my eyes . The shopkeeper had slipped - or had George tripped him ? I didn 't know and it didn 't matter : the shopkeeper had fallen and the knife , unbelievably , had bounced out of his hand was now lying inches from my foot . I curled my left leg , trapped the knife under my shoe and dragged it towards me . As I did so , I glanced at the shopkeeper . He groaned slightly and rolled over in our direction . His eyes , unfocused and blinking , looked around . George twisted his head and stared at me . ' There was another man here before you . When I woke up , he was next to me - tied to the pipe - just like we are . ' George swallowed hard . ' Then the shopkeeper came in with his knife and … ' He shook his head and swallowed again . ' After the shopkeeper killed him , he dragged * his body through to the next room … and I could hear him chopping … it went on forever . Then it stopped and he walked past the door . He had a bucket in his hand … He put the contents into a mixer . He was making something . It was food … ' I shook my head . I didn 't want to hear any more . I thought about the sausages I had eaten and their hot , fatty insides . My stomach lurched * . Desperately , I pulled and twisted at the rope , but it was useless . It bit into my skin and I could feel my own hot blood run down my fingers . ' Don 't do it . Don 't do it , please ! ' I was wailing now . ' Don 't kill me . Please , don 't do it ! ' I stopped talking , but tears continued to run down my face . I glanced at George . He was shaking his head and mumbling * . I looked at the shopkeeper . His eyebrows rose up ; and , like a bad magician , he brought out a knife from behind his back . As he waved it slowly in front of his face , light from the other room danced on its bright blade . He smiled . ' I was going to Leicester … I was thumbing a lift * . ' George started to cough . ' It was late . A car came and stopped . It was him . I got in and that 's the last I remember . I woke up here . ' ' Yes , you work for that homeless place … ' George started to cough again . He turned his head as he did so . I felt spittle land on my face , and I jerked * away , repulsed * . This time George couldn 't stop coughing . The door opened across the room and the man appeared in the doorway . George kept on coughing . The man said nothing as he approached . His eyes were in deep shadow , but his narrow mouth was as thin and tight as a paper cut . George was struggling to breathe . The man leaned forward , grabbed George by the hair and stared into his face . George coughed and spit * covered the man 's face . He staggered backwards and stumbled into a metal shelf . A big plastic bottle fell and bounced on the stone floor . The man was furious . He wiped his face and stared at his hand . His chest heaved and I could see him grind his teeth . He stood abruptly * , ran across the room and flung open the door . I could hear his heavy footsteps as he climbed the stairs to his rooms above ; then the sound of running water . George finally stopped coughing . I turned and looked at him . He stared back at me , his beard covered in spit , his eyes full of tears . I didn 't know which one I hated more : George or the man who had kidnapped us . What was that noise ? It was a roaring sound like a motorboat and it filled my head … I tried to open my eyes . Everything was blurred * . My head hurt . Where was I ? What happened ? And what was that smell ? It was something familiar , something unpleasant . I wrinkled my nose and tried to shake the pain from my head . The room spun around . I stopped moving my head . I wanted to hold it in my hands , but I couldn 't . My hands were tied behind my back ! Slowly , I remembered : the Christmas party , my car , the shop , the man behind the counter … A cold , metal drainpipe dug into my spine * . I was tightly tied to it . The smell ? He sat beside me , also tied to the drainpipe . I could feel him and smell him . His breathing was heavy and ragged * . I twisted my neck and leaned forwards as far as I could so that I could see his face . I couldn 't believe my eyes . I knew this man . His name was George . He often came into town and was a regular at the soup kitchen * on Hayek Street . The sausages were good . Delicious * in fact . I ate them quickly and enjoyed the hot , greasy * food . I felt better and my face glowed red . But while I ate , the man on the other side of the small room watched my every move . We were surrounded by boxes and bags of potatoes . The room smelled of wet soil . But at least it was warm . I put the last chip in my mouth , screwed the newspaper into a ball and dropped it into the bin next to me . ' Well , thanks for the food , ' I said . ' I should be going . I need to find a phone . ' I stood up . I stepped past him and put my hand on the door , ready to push it fully open . And that 's when he hit me . One moment , I was standing ; the next , I was on the ground . As I lay there , stunned * , a kick struck me in the face . Then another . It sounded like a lie to me , but what could I do ? It was his phone , and it was his choice . The noise of the bubbling fat filled the silence . I shivered * . What a way to spend Christmas … . ' Okay . In that case , can I buy something to eat ? ' We stared at one another . Then he gave a long sigh , released the door handle and moved to the fryer . Snatching * up a long , metal spoon , he stirred the contents of the fryer . Then , with his other hand , he raised a basket of fried food , shook it , and plunged it back into the swirling fat . He did this three or four times , paying me no attention at all . He looked up , surprised . Had he forgotten I was there ? He stared at me . In his eyes , there was a question . But instead of asking it , he continued to stare . Then , as suddenly as he looked up , his eyes found the metal spoon . He thrust it into the oil again and again ; and as he did so , his face relaxed and he looked strangely happy . He looked up and gave a thin smile . ' Two pounds , ' he said , ' and you can eat it in the back , if you like . There 's a fire in there . ' I walked to the counter * . The activity in the shop surprised me . Why was the fryer on at this time ? It was after one o ' clock in the morning . Did the cook have insomnia * ? And where was the cook ? It was strange . I thought about leaving again . I had no right to be there . But the clouds of hot steam from the fryer smelt delicious . They smelt of hot , evaporated fat . I couldn 't see the contents of the fryer , but I could hear the bubbling oil in it . Pictures formed in my head : lots and lots of chips slowly turning brown . My stomach rumbled again . Behind the fryer , there was a door . It was open , but only a little . It was probably white , but the light from the fryer gave everything in the shop a warm , orange colour . Suddenly , a head appeared . It looked in my direction and disappeared . A moment later , the door half - opened , and a tall , thin man slid out . He immediately pulled the door shut . He faced me ; but behind his back , he held onto the door handle . I couldn 't see his face well - it was mostly in shadow - but he looked annoyed * . I needed to call a garage or a repair service , and I needed to speak to Helen and reassure her . I ignored his aggressiveness . ' My car stopped a few miles away . I think it ran out of petrol . I tried to call a garage from the phone across the street , but … ' ' I 'd like to use your phone . If you don 't mind . ' What was this guy 's problem ? Asking to use his phone wasn 't such a big deal * , surely ? The mist began to clear . With the help of a few orange streetlights , buildings , gardens , hedges and cars appeared . I was in a village . Not much of a village , but a village all the same . The road that I was standing on bisected * it . I guessed there were about ten or twelve buildings in total . Although it wasn 't very late , there wasn 't a single light in any of them . Stranger still , I noticed that there were no Christmas trees , no coloured lights , no decorations * at all . ' Did they forget it 's Christmas time ? ' I wondered . I checked my mobile again . Unbelievable ! Now , I was out of battery * I looked around and saw an old phone box on the corner . My footsteps echoed as I walked down the road . I swung the phone box door open and picked up the receiver . I wanted to hear Helen 's voice , and I wanted to call a garage . But the phone line was dead . I dropped the phone . As I swung open the door again , a flicker of light caught my eye . It was down a lane just to my right . I walked over to the lane , but stopped . The light was coming , I guessed , from the back of the shop next to me . I looked up . Though it was not switched on , I could read the unlit letters in the shop 's sign . ' Fish and Chips ' it said . My stomach grumbled * . I was hungry . I stared through the front window . The shop looked empty . I went up to the door and pushed . I expected it to be locked . Instead , there was a gentle ' Ting ' as a small bell rang above my head and the door swung open . I switched off my car 's headlights , opened the door and got out . The air felt heavy , wet , cold . I could feel it on my face and in my throat . I shivered and pulled on a jacket . I pressed the button on my keyring . The lights on my car flashed * and the car made a loud ' beep ' . The sound seemed very loud . It was too quiet , too still . I stood listening for a moment , hoping to hear another car . But there was nothing , not even a wind . I started walking but stopped . Did I imagine it ? Was there a noise ? I stood and stared into the blackness . ' Hello ? ' My voice sounded small and afraid . I waited . My heart beat faster . I started walking again , my footsteps loud on the road . Every now and again , I turned and looked behind . The car was gone , swallowed . Ahead , I could see nothing . I don 't know how long I walked for . Perhaps twenty minutes or half an hour . I looked at my watch . It was now 12 . 10 pm . ' Merry Christmas , ' I muttered * to myself and thought about my wife . Right now , she was sitting at home watching the clock , worrying . Was there a town nearby ? Was there a phone ? How long should I walk before giving up ? I didn 't want to spend the night in my car , but I didn 't want to get lost either . I thought about my job . I was a fundraiser for ' Roof ' , a charity for the homeless . It always made me furious when I thought about the human cost of homelessness . The homeless had no homes for many reasons , but there were so many young homeless people . How could society be so uncaring ? Why did it turn its back on them ? What future did they have ? Of course , sleeping in a car was nothing compared to sleeping outside in winter , but I still didn 't want to do it . I decided to walk a thousand paces more , and then turn back . I watched my feet and counted my steps out loud . ' One hundred and thirty one , one hundred and thirty two … ' Then I walked into something very hard . For a moment , I was stunned . I staggered back and fell . I looked up . A lamppost . Its faint , yellow light was only just visible in the thick mist . I looked around and saw the outline of other things too - some houses , some cars , a post box . I was in a village . I got up . My hands were bleeding , and they stung . I pressed them together , as though I was about to pray , and blew on them . I drove slowly . The mist in front of me was like a great white wave , and my car was like a ship , slowly pushing through it . My car 's headlights reached out , but not far . I could see hedges . Their dark leaves guided me along this narrow , country road . I was anxious * . At any moment , another car could come along . But there were no other cars . Not one . Where was I ? When I left my manager 's party thirty minutes ago , the air was clear . ' I can get home in twenty minutes , ' I thought . But then the mist came down , and now I was lost . I turned up the heater and leaned forward in my seat . Perhaps a town or village was round the next corner . I hoped so . I looked at my petrol gauge * . I needed petrol - quickly . I thought about my new job - my first after university - Mr Harkness , and his party . ' I have a Christmas Eve party every year for the staff , ' Mr Harkness told me . ' Enjoy yourself , lad . ' I did . The room was warm , the people from my work were friendly , and the food was good . But at 10pm , I decided to leave . Helen , my wife , was pregnant * and alone in our house . Mr Harkness understood . He walked me to the front door . ' Is Helen 's morning sickness * still as bad ? ' he asked . I told him it wasn 't . ' Well , give my love to her , ' he said . I promised I would . There was a CD player in the car , but I needed to concentrate * . My hands held the steering wheel tightly . I took a deep breath and tried to relax . Suddenly , the car hesitated * , jumped forward , hesitated again ; then died . I was out of petrol . I was miles from nowhere and I was out of petrol . I dropped my head onto the steering wheel . I felt angry . ' But that isn 't going to help , ' I told myself . I took out my phone from my pocket . No signal * . An original story by eflshorts . com / Copyright EFLshorts . com |
This is all to do with getting myself sorted , what I mentioned in an earlier blog . I was kind of in denial about the depression , I 'm excellent at hiding it . but the truth started creeping up on me , and I guess thats got to be a good thing , because now I can get some help . I also don 't feel that I can tell my family about it , because I know the first thing they 'll say is " it 's because you don 't get a break from the kids , they need to go back to school " and I know that isn 't true at all , but people not fully understanding of home education just see it like that . The first thing most people say when you tell them you 're home educating is " Idon 't know how you do it " being with the children all the time , they mean . Like these parents just want to get rid of their kids as soon as possible , like spending a long time with their own children is some kind of torture ! But I never had a close family growing up , I felt sooo alone the whole time , and now I LOVE having my family around me ! and I want to get as much of it as I can before they all go off into the big wide world . It seriously ISN ' T my children making me depressed ! ! If anything , they cheer me up , they are all so sweet when I 'm upset or sad and they give me hugs and try to cheer me up ! We 're going on holiday TOMORROW ! The kids nan came round last night and gave them a £ 20 note to spend ! Jamie spent the rest of the evening kissing hers ! she also bought 2 wipe clean times table flash card sets , which they both were trying out last night , Alex gets confused with multiplying and adding , he started off good then went back to adding , but I 'm sure he 'll get there soon . The last 3 days Alex and Jamie have been playing Skylanders ! I 'm not at all bothered because after all their fighting and bickering they 've been doing , it 's so lovely to see them working together as a team ! They 've been really working hard together , they 've got to the last level , from starting from scratch again , in 3 days ! I 've decided to go ahead with the assessment for him in september , after talking to him about it , he seemed completely ok with it . Something made me sad though , earlier I was going through some of his speech therapy home work and i had to say a statement , and he had to tell me if it was true or not , like ' pigs can read ' , the last one was a bit of a fun , it was ' i am clever ' and Alex said that it wasn 't right and that he wasn 't clever ! I 'm so sad that he doesn 't think he 's clever , from all of his difficulties it must get him down a fair bit . Yesterday really made me see how it affects him too . We had two of Jamies friends round and went to the local museum which is closing down in two weeks . By the time we got there , Alex was not in a happy mood . I also had a bit of an argument with the lady at the reception ! Alex , Jamie and her friends were looking at the little toys they have for sale by the counter , I gave them £ 1 to spend - they 're only little toys - and they were looking at them to see what they wanted to buy - as you do - when the lady got all bothered and told me that the children mustn 't ' play with the toys in case they get broken ' ! I just wasn 't going to have that at all ! Anyway . . . she was being very helpful after I explained in a very assertive way that they were only looking and had every right to look at them . He was really depressed , everything he did was rubbish apparently , and he even brought up that Jamies picture she did last night was better than his , and this went on and on the whole time , and when I mentioned about a HE group that we supposed to be going to in the afternoon , he nearly started crying ! So we gave it a miss , and after being home and playing Skylanders and going on the trampoline - and Jamies friends had gone home - he cheered up again . But I 'm wondering if it was being with Jamie and her friends that got him down , i dont know , but I didn 't realise he had such a low self - esteem , so i 'll have to try and boost him up a bit . Today was quite different from yesterday . Yesterday , Alex and Jamie were arguing a lot , Jamie was so obviously completely bored that she had resorted to trying to wind everyone up as much as possible . We couldn 't even go out , well , we could 've had a walk round the block , if we 'd got our acts together , but I didn 't have the car again ( the same every weekend ) . I eventually suggested to Jamie that she do some maths , which she did ! for a bit anyway . Alex was playing Skylanders a lot , he 's completely sussed reading 4 figure numbers now . Earlier , Alex found the Dungeons and Dragons game I bought from a charity shop about 2 years ago and we decided we 'd have a go . It took ages for me to figure out how to play it , how to set it all up and sort all the cards out . I was sure Alex was going to get bored and go off and do something else , but he stuck with it , but we needed more players and Jamie wasn 't in the mood . But I really think we 'll have fun playing that in future , Alex loved all the spells and potions and baddies . Also , Alex and I acted out the story ' Not Now Bernard ' . It 's one of Alex 's favourite stories . That was quite good fun : ) I 'm having a little dilemma at the moment . I 've finally recieved an appointment for Alex 's assessment for Aspergers at the CDC . But now I 'm wondering whether to go through it or not . Since taking him out of school , most of his anxieties have disappeared and his confidence has grown . Part of me doesn 't want to put him through it all , I 'm worried that it 'll make him think there 's something wrong with him . But on the otherhand , I 'm pretty sure , if he were to be put back into a school situation , he 'd be back the way he was before , and maybe I 'd be able to get some help in the future . Also forget to mention that we thought Jamies Rabbit was going to die ! on Friday she was not looking well , had stopped eating and rabbits stomachs just shut down when they stop eating , we were really worried about her , couldn 't get an appointment friday , saturday morning she was still alive , thankfully , and Jamie and I took her to the vets , and after the vet checked her over , she was given an injection to get her stomach working again , and some pain killers . We actually met a home educating family in the waiting room , I can spot them a mile off now ! ! Anyway , yesterday , the rabbit - Fluffy , is back to her usual self ! so glad , we 've not had much luck with pets ! Jamie was so grown up the whole time , really looked after Fluffy well . Someone told me today something that really makes sense - they 'll sleep when they 're tired and eat when they 're hungry - it 's as simple as that . When it comes to daytime , I try to show them all the options , and i offer my advice , and my words of experience , Alex will listen to me and take my advice most of the time , but Jamie will not be told what to do and consistently makes her own mistakes , to the point that the other day when we were leaving the park , Jamie was insistent that she not wear any shoes when we walked all the way home - probably over a mile ! - I decided , after talking to her , explaining how much of a bad idea it was , that there was no point in having a massive argument about it , and let her do it . Alex tried to copy her , but I told him that he really needed to wear his shoes , explained why and he put them on , no hassle . I could tell Jamie 's feet were a bit sore by the time we got home , hopefully she 'll know next time . She does that kind of thing all the time ! She will not be told what to do . Of course I have to put my foot down sometimes , and she knows when i mean business , but I let her make her own mistakes a lot . The boredom is setting in . Not with me , with Alex and Jamie . In true autonomous style , I 've been getting on with my own thing ( mostly preparing for the holiday ! ) and letting them decide what they want to do , and they 've been watching WAAAYYYY too much spongebob ! ! it really is on a lot ! I 've been really tempted to just walk in and turn it off ! but I 'm kind of doing an experiment to see what 's going to happen , and they 've started getting bored ! When they say to me " I 'm bored " I 'll suggest things to them , but they don 't want to do anything I suggest , it reminded me of the days when I had time to get bored and I sometimes felt bored but not necessarily wanted to do anything , it was a more of a restless feeling . . . I did even suggest they stop watching spongebob for a while , and they did for a bit , and they played outside , then about half an hour later , spongebob goes on again . . . . . . I 'm wondering if they are coming to a turning point , and soon they will get fed up with the TV . . . . . . . please ! ! I got two new books I thought they might like , Usbourns lift the flap , inside the body , and how things work , but I think theres too many books in this house , Alex came over to see what was in the box when they arrived , all excited " whats inside mum ? . . . . . . . oh . . . . . just books . . . . . . . " They are really nice books as well , maybe one day they 'll have a look through them . we went to my step nans house yesterday to do some gardening for her , and I 've started noticing that I 'm not having to tell them off recently , they 've been really good ! They even did some gardening too , wanted paying for it though ! Jamie has been really grown up , she 's being such a good big sister , and helping me out lots . She 's been quite motherly to little Amelia , sometimes a bit too motherly , but it 's quite sweet . We went to a home ed meet - up yesterday , it was quite a good turn out really , I think there were at least 6 different families not including mine , it was really nice having a chat with them , if not brief as a lot of us had to keep rushing off after little ones ! I 'm not sure if any of the children actually got together because it was quite busy at the park they kind of got lost among the crowds . Soon it 'll be all ours again . . . one day . . . oh yes . . . . . lol My friend also mentioned that she went to HESFES which is a week long festival for home ed families , and she said it was brilliant , and she said that she went into a area where there were lots of teenagers , and she was kind of expecting them to be full of attitude , but there was none ! They were even all making sure the younger children were ok and had enough room . We talked about where this typical teenager attitude comes from and we both agreed that must have something to do with school and that your typical school kid gets to a point where they just want to rebel because they 've been boxed in so much - I know , I was one of those typical teenagers ! I 've really noticed how physically active the children are , they 've got the trampoline which is in almost constant use , the swings which have been wrapped over the top so they 're really short and the top bar is being climbed over , and the slide which is used for all sorts of and the paddling pool , and our chin - up bar in the living room is very popular ( except when people are trying to walk through the door ! ) It really made me realise that if they were in a classroom all day being made to sit down most of the time , I can really see that it would drive them a bit mad ! It also made me think about what to do in the winter - maybe get more chin - up bars ! ! Then , back out in the garden , we found a grasshopper had fallen into the paddling pool and drowned , Jamie wanted to bury it , but I suggested that we look at it under Jamies microscope and we spent quite a while studying it . After a while Jamie wanted to go outside and study the mosquito larvae that 's living in my temporary pond ( bucket ) with my lily in . She studied how they move around - did a very funny impression of one - and she saw how they breath - through a little tube on there bottoms ! and later on she decided that she 'd try and kill them with chemicals ! ! I explained that that was NOT a good idea and why , and I explained that the best way is to find out what creature eats them , and encourage them to live near by ( she hasn 't got round to that bit yet ) Jamie told me EVERYTHING that happened in her book she read the other day , the one that took her a couple of hours to read . I did wonder once that she was reading so fast that she couldn 't possibly be actually taking it in , but she remembers EVERYTHING ! I should maybe help her learn to summerise , it was great hearing her recount all the details , but I hadn 't banked on being caught for half an hour ! I 'm actually getting somewhere with Jamie regarding her attitude , we had another big argument last night , and she wasn 't backing down as usual - she gets so rude and says such horrible things and thinks its ok to hurt people and get revenge , but we got to a non - shouting stage and we actually talked properly and reached the same conclusion . And today , after she beat the cr * p out of Alex because he ran off with something of hers , after she was arguing that she had every right to do that , and me not backing down at all without getting angry myself , she calmed down A LOT quicker and properly apologised ! ! normally she wouldn 't even realise she was in the wrong ! So hopefully , it 's starting to get through to her that she can 't hurt people . We had a barbeque , I actually bought some chicken drumsticks to have with it , the first time I 've bought meat for us since becoming ' mostly vegetarian ' , you know what ? it wasn 't as fantastic as I remembered . Amelia LOVED the corn on the cob ! We tried some quorn burgers which were actually surprisingly nicer than beef burgers ! The last few days I 've been quite thoughtful . There 's a big change going on in my life . I 'm realising that I need to get my own head straight if I 'm going to do things properly . I need to sort some things out from my past that were never dealt with , and I need to start feeling better about myself , and happy with myself , because I 'm not at the moment . I have a vision of how I want my life to be , how I know it can be , I just need to take certain steps to get there . I 've also noticed after having my partner here today , how much things have changed since taking both of them out of school . I am much less controlling of the children these days , I 'm seeing everything in a different perspective , it 's ALL learning now , everything they do is learning . If it 's something that they want to do , then I 'll do my best to let them do it , because that 's ' where it 's at ' , if you know what I mean ( not when it 's impractical , too dangerous or will upset anyone else ) I 'm really seeing that I used to say ' no ' a lot more and I don 't really know why . It 's SOOO hot today ! I 'm going to have to stop doing this blog now because my laptop appears to be over - heating ! ! Just got time to stick a photo on , Jamie took some temperature readings with out thermometer earlier - I got all the sofa cushions off the sofa and after using them to make a mountain , an obstacle course and a hurdle , he made a big camp out of them . Then , after one of the dogs snuck in there while he wasn 't looking , Alex said it stank of dog , so he went and got some lavender form the front garden and put some inside his camp to make it smell nice again . Then he decided to get some more lavender and rub it all over our rug and sofa , which I thought was a brilliant idea because having two dogs , a hamster and a toddler ( nappies ) and being allergic to all those horrible air freshners , the house can be a little wafty - I have just bought a reed diffuser after seeing it being recommended , hopefully it 'll work ! Jamie has been writing a diary of all the things that she 's been up to . It 's interesting seeing the things that she remembers ( she likes me to read it too ) . She said that she would like to learn to read music , which is something that we can do together , I know some from memory but have to work out the rest from the ones I know , so we can learn together . She 's also shown quite a lot of interest in coins and the dates they were made and working out how old they are , I remember when I was little my mum used to have a little metal post box full of old coins , some from different countries , I used to love looking through them , it 's funny how Jamie is doing a lot of the things that I did when I was young . We haven 't been there for AGES and I 'm pretty sure the weeds are about 20 foot high now . I would love so much to get it sorted , but I just haven 't got around to it this year , besides the fact that Amelia will be disappearing off to the far corner with Jamie and Alex looking for lizards in the compost heaps . . . she 's still a little too young to watch out for brambles and stinging nettles . But I 'd really like to get it sorted this autumn . We went pond dipping at Wymondly wood yesterday with one of Jamies best friends , Jamie managed to scoop up a water boatman ( or 3 ) and we excitedly put it straight into our tub of water to have a look , then almost immediately recoiled because it looked quite horrible close up ! We weren 't expecting it to look so creepy ! Alex was trying to pick it up with his fingers with all of us yelling at him to stop ! We also had some freshwater shrimp too . Then we decided to go to the common and see what lives in the little streams there . We found more shrimp and some water snails . Jamie , Alex and Jamies friend were calling and making echoes into a drain that goes under the field , all the way over to the otherside , and talking with one on each side of the field . Yesterday afternoon , while I was having my tea break upstairs , I heard a lot of activity going on , then heard Alex say that he 'd burnt his mouth , so then I wondered what was going on and went down to find Jamie in the kitchen with some burnt chocolate in a saucepan ! I noticed straight away that she looked embarrassed and annoyed with herself , so instead of telling her off for using the hob on her own , without asking , I just told her that she needed to have it in a bowl above some boiling water , and helped her and Alex make some rice crispie cakes . We were watching masterchef while we were waiting for The Simpsons to come on and Jamie said that she would like to do some cooking , that she 'd like to make a meal all by herself , so I said that I 'd show her how to make a meal tomorrow . The service was really nice . I didn 't really know my Gran that well , well , I didn 't all the time I was growing up , then about a year before she became ill we started to talk to each other and was surprised to find that I had more in common with her than my mum ! So I am quite sad that I didn 't get chance to get to know her better . During the service the Lady spoke of what my Gran was like growing up and what she did during the war , how she met my Grandad ( who died a few years ago ) and all the things she was interested in . She said she went to Africa to the Ganges and how she loved the people there and how they lived . I wish I had known her . During the service , Jamie was really grown up and was trying to make sure Amelia was quiet and that Alex was standing / sitting when he was supposed to . I explained to Alex before hand what was going to be happening , about the coffin etc . Halfway through a speech Alex said rather loudly " when are they going to open the box ? " ! ! ! that was quite erm . . . . awkward . . . Amelia was being very happy and jolly , it was a weird mix between young and old , happiness and sadness all at once , I found it quite difficult . My mum got up to say a lovely poem , Amelia was amazed watching her . My aunt has horse riding stables there , I used to go horse riding every week for years when I was younger . Alex , Jamie and their cousin Milo had loads of fun jumping and climbing over the hay bales in the barn , we looked around the stables and saw the horses , and they played football and rugby in the field . It was quite a nice day , and a bit of a relief for my mum I think . We went to the tennis courts this evening , we skipped dinner altogether , took some sarnies and snacks , roller skates , football , tennis rackets and Alex 's skateboard and had loads of fun . Me and my partner are SO rubbish at tennis ! Jamie had a go and after quite a few failed attempts she started getting the ball over the net and did really well . She 's also doing really well on her roller skates too , all that wandering around the house in them has paid off and she can now roll along quite confidently . Alex was doing well on his skateboard , getting the hang of it more , this has been his only chance to have a proper go on it . He also had a go at tennis , insisted on doing over the arm serving ! He 's not too bad : ) OK , here 's a few of the other activities Alex and Jamie have been getting up to this weekend - they made their own bubble liquid out of shampoo and water , then decided to make bubble print paintings , which after using lots of paint and even food colouring it still didn 't come out right for some reason . We went into town and I got some more books for them and a rocket and mini aeroplane kit , tested that out in the livingroom and lost one straight away . We went to the library , I just sat and let Jamie browse and Amelia run around , after moaning for a bit , Alex actually started looking at some books and chose some to take home , then they went into the adult non - fiction area and they chose a few books about rocks , fossils , minerals and gems . We 've left Alex 's fluffy owl there so we 've gotta go back to get it tomorrow - I went racing back into town , running all over looking for it , got home and then phoned the library and it was there ! why I didn 't think to phone them first is a mystery . . . . . We went into a supermarket and used their change machine thing , we had a whole load of coppers and 5 and 10p 's given to us , we took a small amount of it and Jamie and Alex managed to get £ 4 . 30 each out of it , Alex bought some giant pirate balloons and a moshi monster build - it clay moshling thing , Jamie bought 2 my little pony blind bags . She got really annoyed when of them was one she had already got , I hope soon she will learn that they are a bit of a waste of money . Last night , Jamie went to bed to read her new book from the library and we were talking about a book I got for Amelia , it 's a ' twinkle twinkle little star ' book ( Amelia has been trying to sing along to it ) , we were talking about the song and we came to the conclusion that the song may not be about a star , but about a baby , and I thought that was really nice , I 'd not thought of it like that until then . Alex did some reading too ! on his own , in his room ! ! Not even to get a sweet ! ! ! Thats the first time thats happened ! Alex had another party for his favorite toys , he made birthday cards and wrote in them himself . just a quickie tonight as I 'm really tired , Alex and Jamie have only just gone off to bed because Jamie decided that she ' misses learning ' and set about trying to find out as much as possible about insects . She and Alex drew pictures of bugs and Jamie got our book about insects we 've got and started learning about silverfish and bristletails . They look quite weird , and they learned quite a few new words . After leaving great step nans house , we grabbed some chips and went to the park to eat them . We had a quick game of basketball and Alex actually scored a basket ! ! Jamie wasn 't impressed . . . . . . Then after Amelia had a little sleep , we met up with a friend at the local aqua park , it was really busy . We had a really good time though , we stayed for ages and at about 5 . 30pm , most people had gone off for dinner and we had another splash around . Jamie made 3 new friends : ) Today didn 't get off to a good start . I have asthma and my inhaler had run out the day before and during the night my asthma was bad , so in the morning I struggled to get the children ready , get to the doctors , wait for an emergency prescription , then get the children back into the car , get to the chemist , wait for my inhalers . . . . . by the time I was walking back to the car I was so worn out from trying to breathe I was dragging my feet . After I 'd had my inhaler , although I could breathe a bit better , I felt completely wiped out . Never - the - less I still had things to do . Jamies friend came over and we all went for a nature walk in Wymondly woods again . Keeping the same mind - set I had from taking Amelia swimming , I let them lead the way , let them go at their own pace , stopping whenever and wherever they wanted , I was in no rush and it was really nice and relaxing . We saw loads of water boatmen in the pond , a water beetle and some other little creatures creeping along the bottom , we decided that next time we 'll do some pond dipping to have a closer look . There was some kind of bird of prey flying overhead , couldn 't quite see it properly through the trees but we could hear it calling . The children made a little camp with some branches , did a lot of climbing and found lots of cinnabar caterpillars . After dropping Jamies friend back off , we came home for some lunch then Jamie was back out again with another friend , her friends mum offered to have her because Alex has started having some speech therapy sessions again . During the session Alex was saying his two sounds very nicely , they were the ones that he 'd been working on last time . He did everything that was asked of him , but he was really making me laugh because they use games to get him to say the sounds , and this time he was given some wooden building blocks to gradually build up a tower everytime he got a sound right , but Alex kept getting distracted with arranging his blocks in a nice shape or rows getting them ready to play the game ! she also got pop - up - pirate out for one of the games and Alex was no longer bothered about saying the sounds right , he just made a mission of trying to get the pirate to pop up then screaming really loudly when it did ! When it was time to go he insisted that he build a castle that exactly matched the picture on the box so the poor lady was waiting to go home - it 'd already gone 15 over the time we were supposed to go - so I took a picture of the building for Alex so that we could pack it away and let the lady go home ! Then we went and bought some new DVD 's as they were getting so fed up with the old ones , Amelia was tearing around the supermarket , she just wants to run all the time ! Got back home and then I did all the dinner and clearing up and getting ready for bed routine and now I am SHATTERED ! ! ! I was supposed to go swimming with a friend , but I think it would 've quite possibly killed me ! I 've just got back from walking the dogs in the rain . . . on my own ! That 's the first time I 've walked them for ages , my partner usually takes them out on his bike for a run in the mornings , but I 've decided to kill two birds , well three birds with one stone - get fitter , get some me time and the dogs get another walk . Lulu ( one of our dogs ) is really pleased with me because she wont stop licking me and snuzzling me while I 'm trying to type this ! This morning we went swimming and it was a complete success ! Jamie and Alex were soooo well behaved , I thought they were going to go crazy over the top with excitement but they were OK . My mum came with us . Amelia , it being her first time swimming absolutely LOVED it . She didn 't have any armbands or anything and I let her do it all in her own time , I didn 't just pick her up and take her into the water , I let her play around along the edge , she went in and out whenever she wanted , she eventually went a bit deeper , and after going in and out a few times , she went down the little slide a few times , then wanted to go deeper again and I showed her how she can float on her back , and on her front , and the second she said no , I let her get in the shallows again . I didn 't get any swimming done at all , but that was OK because I want her to be completely confident in the water . I could see other parents taking their toddlers in for the first time , some of them took them straight into the deeper bit and I could see that the toddler was really scared . Alex took his swim - fin off after a while and was splashing around in the water having lots of fun , Jamie remembered how to swim underwater , she can do it very well , I just wish she would try and keep her head above the water ! ! When we got out it was starting to get really packed , especially the changing room but even though it was so busy , Jamie and Alex got dry and dressed without a hitch and Amelia was as happy as anything ! I was really surprised , when we used to come before , it was so stressful with them both needing me to dry them and help them get dressed ! I was also quite pleased to see Alex playing with Kiba , our other dog . He 's hated our dogs for quite a while , says that we should just rid of them , but today he was throwing a ball for Kiba , and Kiba was being very good and dropping the ball and sitting nicely each time . Alex even went and gave him some dog biscuits as a reward for being so good ! Jamie has been reading ' James and the Giant Peach ' . I bought a load of books from the charity shop the other day , amongst others there are ' The Secret Seven ' , a childrens version of Mary Shelley 's ' Frankenstein ' , ' The Adventures of Tom Sawyer ' , and ' the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn ' . So far they have been ignored , I 'm pretty sure that if either of them see that I might want them to read something , they won 't even contemplate it . . . . . . . . . I 'll have to get better at strewing ! ( for some UK home edders - I 'm sorry to mention Sandra Dodd ! ! ) A man from the housing association , not a very friendly man , had made an appointment with me to inspect the house this afternoon at 1pm . After all the sorting and clearing yesterday I did ( and pulling a muscle in my arm putting really heavy boxes into the loft ) , the house was a complete mess , so I had to get the whole lot done to a reasonable standard by 1pm . . . . . . . . with three young children around . . . . . it was quite a job . Also to makes things worse , guys were coming round in the morning to see if they can sort out the problems with my soak - away - it floods every time it rains , and Jamies friend was coming over in the afternoon . Luckily , all Jamie did ALL DAY was watch ' puppy in my pocket ' on youtube ! ! she only stopped watching it when her friend turned up at 2 . 30pm ! She still had her pajamas on ! ! But it meant that her and Alex were not fighting , so I wasn 't too bothered , Alex played nicely on his own mostly , he did a cool painting , made a robot out of bits of cardboard , he made a party day for Amelia , he made a huge pass the parcel present ! And he washed his windows ! I had another slight wobble again . I was getting stressed out thinking that I 'm not doing enough with the kids . On top of the stress of continuing my massive clear up job of the house after I came off the rails with the whole end of school business , and then that week of summer we had . . . . . . anyway , I feel like I can get back into it now , I don 't have to worry about the kids , they are having fun , I don 't need to be doing anything with them except help them achieve what they want to do . Jamie is getting school out of her system , Alex is having to adjust to his routine being changed . He 's not sure if he 's very happy at the moment , he is having fun , but I can tell that he 's unsettled . I 'm going to maybe have to help him get some of his old routines up and running again . Jamie and Alex have been making camps , Alex still wants it to be christmas , he 's got his own christmas tree in his room now . They went to see their great aunt and nana today , and I actually had some time to myself ! ! Alex did some more bug hunting , Jamie helped do some gardening . They bought back from their great Aunts a huge bag and jar full of 1p 's , 2p 's and 5p 's and they spent quite a while counting them all out , and Alex was weighing some on our scales . We watched some olympics , played hide and seek , Jamie made up a board game using moshi monster stickers , Alex set up shop again . They 've been on their roller skates , playing on my guitar , in the paddling pool , and of course , lots of trampolining . Saturday we went onto town when all the shops were closing . It was really nice and not very busy . We got some chips and sat at the benches to eat them . Jamie realised that she wanted some tomato sauce and I was surprised when her and Alex just walked 100 metres down the road back to the chip shop on their own to get some sauce ! It must 've been going to the park at grandads on their own has given them a bit of confidence ! I 'm going to try and relax a bit now , doing this blog helps in lots of ways . It helps me to see what they have actually been doing , I know there 's a whole load of other stuff they did but I just can 't remember it now , my rubbish memory , but this blog also helps me to remember a bit more because I really have to think about it . It also helps to keep me focused on my children and what they 're up to . for example , it didn 't occur to me that I could try and get some of Alex 's routines back for him until I sat down to do this blog , during the day and up until 9pm I 'm rushing around all over the place , with no time to really think . Alex has been quite wobbly today , not sure why , maybe it 's because it 's been so hectic these last few days . He 's been getting upset about lots of things , wanting things to be perfect . He got upset because Jamie had more christmas cards than him , because Jamie didn 't wrap up his presents the way he wanted , and basically because it just wasn 't actually christmas . He went to play skylanders but spent most of the time changing his avatar on the xbox . We went to the park at lunchtime and had a picnic - as planned in the chart yesterday . It 's Christmas eve here tonight . Alex was looking under the stairs for his roller skates when he found the Christmas decorations ( that should 've been put in the loft 7 months ago . . . ) and decided that he 'd decorate his room with them and declare it 's Christmas eve ! He 's even wrapped up himself some pressies ! Jamie has spent most of the last 2 days on her roller skates , she even wore them to visit her great step - nan ! Great step - nan gave us all an ice cream , at 10 in the morning ! We don 't see her very often so I didn 't mind too much . This morning we went to Grandads , I needed to cut his hedge . It was the first time in ages since Grandad has seen Jamie as she 's normally been at school . He made us pancakes with ice cream ! ( yes , ice cream again ! but who could say no ? ) While I was getting ripped to pieces by the hawthorn / brambles / rose / stinging nettle hedge , Alex and Jamie remembered that there 's a park right close to grandads house and asked if they could go . Grandad has a really bad back so we both said that they could go by themselves - it 's a very quiet village and the park is on the other side of grandads garden - Jamie was reluctant to go , they 've never been anywhere on their own before , but Alex was well up for it and talked her into it . When they got the park we could hear them from the garden and shouted hello . After about 15 minutes they came back , playing hide and seek . While they were gone something occurred to me . . . . . I was worrying about them never having any time away from me , but of course they will . They will be old enough soon to do things on their own , maybe Alex a bit longer , but it wont be long til Jamie will be able to just walk round to her friends house on her own , or pop to the corner shop , I know that 'll bring it 's own worries , but I forget sometimes that they 're actually still growing ! Yesterday was crazy . Not only had a home ed nature walk meet - up been changed from Tuesday to Wednesday afternoon due to rain , but I had double booked the morning ! I had arranged to visit the kids great step - nan , AND arranged for Jamies friend to come over ! But I managed to squeeze it all in , and the Nature walk was so nice , well worth the rushing around to get there . We went to Mardley Heath , never been there before or even knew about it and I 'm so glad my friend came up with the event , I 'll definitely be going back again . And I was so pleased to see Alex actually playing and having fun with the other boys on the rope swing ! Lovely Mardley Heath Nature Reserve |
Posted on November 4 , 2014 by JALevine Reply Hot showers . Man , I could literally write an entire column about how much I love hot showers . It is such a pleasure to take a shower each morning . I used to get up and throw wood in the stove and then stand there and let the heat wash over me for a while before I got my day going , but now I can let the heat of a hot shower actually wash over me . It 's one of the main reasons I get out of bed every day . Well , that and work and animals to take care of and my soon - to - be wife and stepson . But really , the shower is the best part of my morning . It 's nice to be back after the summer hiatus . Audrey didn 't want to move into my cabin , and I can 't say I blame her . And her apartment was only a little larger than my cabin , and just as drafty . So we looked for a house to rent starting in the spring , and found one rather quickly . The rental housing market up here is cut - throat , and we were lucky to get into a house that we could afford with floors that weren 't too uneven and decent windows and insulation . Three weeks after we moved in the house was sold , and we were on the hunt again . It took us most of the summer to find another house to rent . We found one and have now settled in . Well , physically anyway . I am still in awe of the wonders of modern living . Light switches and hot water and indoor pooping are all wonderful things . Unfortunately , the light switches are in odd places so I 'm still sporting the headlamp every single day . And despite the changes , Pico is still lying on the couch next to me and Midget is crowing in the yard . We 're working on a new coop for the flock , which has grown and changed some . We have four new girls , but Blondie was causing trouble , so I took her to a friend 's . We lost one hen a few months ago to a fox in the yard , but other than that the girls are doing good . We get far more eggs than we can eat , and two of the new hens haven 't even started laying yet . We 're going to be giving away a lot of eggs . As I get used to modern amenities and family life , I still think about the cabin a lot . It was harder to move out of that place than any other house I 've lived in . Hell , most of my apartments I couldn 't wait to get out of . But that cabin was more than just a house , it was home . It was a part of my everyday life . And that 's the biggest difference I 've found . I don 't care about my house now so much . But the loss of the cabin has been replaced by my new family , and it 's definitely been a worth - while trade . Posted on February 25 , 2014 by JALevine 1 The wild winter weather has continued . Tonight it 's so warm that even several hours after the sun went down , there is still a steady drip - drip - drip coming off the roof . In the forties tomorrow , the season just can 't seem to make up its mind . That 's not to say that it has been an easy winter . And to me , there has been a recurring theme out here at that cabin that demonstrates this better than anything else . I have had a steady supply of small rodents around the house looking for food . When I moved into the cabin a few years ago , Amy not so light heartily called it the " Mouse House . " Since then , it has been cleaned up significantly . With Ed and Herbie running nightly patrols , the mice moved out and other than a very occasional rustling in the walls , I have not had to deal with any other rodents inside the cabin . That is not to say that there is a lack of small rodents at the cabin . Red squirrels used to attack the bird feeders on a regular basis and there is a family of mice living in the outhouse . There are certainly plenty of places for them to hole up for the winter out here . Unfortunately , they seem to have decided to try and spend nights in a couple of buckets I have . This has resulted in me finding more dead rodents in the last month than I 've seen in well over two years . The first one was a mole that for some reason climbed into the open bucket in the outhouse that holds the lime . The lime is the off - grid version of a vanilla candle , and is essential to using the facilities . I was not surprised to find the little bugger frozen solid in a bucket that offered no food or shelter even though I had no idea why it went in there . I buried him … Unceremoniously . I use a combination of store - bought chicken feed and winter wheat , and when I was making a mix of the two , I had a small amount of the wheat left over . This is a bucket that I can understand the rodents trying to get into at least . It was frozen solid , and since there was only a little wheat left in it I just tossed the vole and wheat into the woods . Hopefully something eats him before he thaws and smells and Pico eats him . As I laid the bucket down out front , the mouse scampered off . It went a few yards down the trail towards the chicken coop , and then stopped . I went inside to get the camera , and when I came out again , it was making a big loop over the snow back towards the woods . I watched it run and leave a neat little trail across the snow . I got cold and went inside , knowing that I wouldn 't get a good shot of the mouse now . Later , as I made my way to the outhouse , I noticed that the mouse tracks went right under the shed . I took a little solace in the fact that it 'll be around for the rest of the winter . I like having the wildlife around , even if it does require me to perform funerals on occasion . Posted on February 4 , 2014 by JALevine 1 It 's been a couple of weeks packed with transition for all of us out here at the cabin . The chickens are out of the tent , Ed is buried and Herbie is acting like he never has before . We 're all making adjustments and getting on with life , even though the bone - chilling temperatures haven 't always made it that easy . The chickens are getting better about laying eggs again after their days in the tent . It took a few days but Whitey finally started laying again and Blondie has dropped a couple of eggs too . Brownie never really stopped . Two days after Ed died , I decided that I needed to bury him . It had been a long weekend , with Ed passing , then me being occupied in a weekend long task . But that Sunday night I made the effort to bury Ed . I decided on putting him the lower field , in full view of my cabin . When he was out and about in the summer , he spent a lot of time in the lower field chasing butterflies and bugs . That 's where the blueberries are , and where I had found the old horseshoe pit . It seemed as good a place as any , and since I was going to have to do some heavy digging , I figured it was better if his grave wasn 't located too far from the cabin . Even though the sun was down and I was exhausted from hiking all day , I grabbed the spade shovel and post - hole diggers and set out . There 's a large cherry tree in the middle of the lower field and I decided to put him under that . I should have grabbed the hatchet to work on roots , but needless to say , my mind was a little distracted . I scraped the snow off down to the ground and made a big push with the shovel . To my pleasant surprise , the ground was not frozen . Turns out a full day of rain and forty degree temps made for some easy digging . I also somehow miraculously managed to not hit any major roots of the tree . It was easy going physically , tough going mentally . After digging down a few feet , I walked back to the cabin and got Ed . He was in a cardboard box , and I wanted to make sure the hole was deep enough . The very last thing in the world I wanted to do was have to re - bury him after finding his body dug up by some scavenger . The hole was deep enough , and I filled it back in with the loosed soil and some stones . I decided to add a large rock to the top of the grave to help deter wild animals . I knew that a small boulder about two feet across was loose and just sitting on top of the ground about twenty feet away . I had checked this boulder during the summer , thinking I was going to move it to put the chicken coop there , so I knew it would move . It may have been easy to move initially , but once it was out of its little hole , it was much harder to move . It wouldn 't role across the snow , instead sliding a few inches at a time , even when I pried on it with the five foot rock bar . Honestly , it took me longer to move the rock than it did to dig the hole . All the while I was crying , not making this task any easier . I finally got the rock into position , and felt a little better . I stood there until my hands were numb and went back inside . I had noticed Herbie walking around and looking over his shoulder a lot , probably looking for Ed , and didn 't want to leave him alone for too long . I climbed into bed a little while later and Herbie came right up to my face for some petting . He curled up next to my head for a few minutes , and then made his way under the sheets to snuggle . This was the first time in a decade that Herbie had done this . I guess he figured we could hang together and maybe it would be a little easier on both of us . Or maybe he was just basking in the extra attention he was getting . Pico , however , hasn 't seemed to notice . He 's got me to jump and chew on , and I think he 'll be happy as long as that is an entertainment option for him . I still miss Ed , but after a couple of weeks it has gotten easier . I find myself looking out at the boulder and stones marking Ed 's grave , and miss him greatly , but between the chickens , Herbie , and Pico , I have plenty of other animals to keep me busy . Posted on January 21 , 2014 by JALevine 3 I 'm sitting at my table writing because right now , this is the only thing that will keep me from curling up in the fetal position on my bed and sobbing uncontrollably . Ed , my little gray cat , the first pet I ever had , just died in my arms . And I am not handling it well . He went quickly , deteriorating in just a week or so . His strength was gone , he could barely breathe , and he had stopped eating . He couldn 't make it to the litter box , and had to lie down to drink water . That 's how weak he was , he couldn 't even stand up long enough to take a drink . Most of the time that I lived in Jacksonville I was so depressed that I was frequently suicidal . I hated everything about my life , and quite frankly , if it wasn 't for my pets , I probably would have killed myself . I had even gone so far a few times as to wonder who would take my animals . And the thought of Pico being back in a shelter and Ed and Herbie being separated was enough to stop me . The number of times that it got this far is scary . But all along , Ed was there , all ten pounds of him , telling me in his own way that he loved me . He was born in a barn outside of Malone , with no pedigree or anything . There were three kittens in the litter , and Ed was the only short - hair . I called dibs , and Amy took Ed 's brother while someone else took the only girl . The farm was being rented by my friends , and we knew that the kittens were coming . So Amy and I headed up there a day or two after they were born , and I got to hold Ed . He was smaller than my palm , but opened his eyes for the first time while I was holding him . A few weeks later I brought Ed home . He was pretty wild , as kittens tend to be , but even then , he had some idiosyncrasies . The house I lived in at the time was one main floor , with my bedroom upstairs . Every day I would go to school or work and leave Ed in my room . I didn 't want him chewing on wires or digging up house plants , so I gave him food , water , and litter to get by for the day . However , each day when I got home , Ed would greet me at the door . Then one day after a few weeks , Brendan called in sick to work . I got home from school , and he told me that he knew how Ed was getting out . My room was the only thing upstairs , and so the stairs went straight from my room to a door at the bottom which led to the living room . So Brendan was sitting on the couch ( most likely watching The Simpsons ) when he heard a racket coming down the stairs , then a loud thud , and then the door swung open . Brendan stared in amazement as Ed came trotting out from my room . The little kitten , maybe weighing a pound or two , was flying down the stairs and just doing a full - body slam against the door to pop it open . After that I figured that if I found a way to keep the door shut tight , he would probably just hurt himself trying to get the door open . He had earned the right to have full run of the house . When the weather warmed up that spring , I would take Ed swimming in the lake or for short canoe rides . I took him to work with me and let him wander around outside , pretending to be a hunter , though never catching anything other than dead leaves . His hunting skills got better over the years , and he caught many mice . He never killed them , just trotted around with them in his mouth , occasionally dropping one so he could catch it again . This was a cat that learned how to turn on water faucets so he could play with the water . He somehow managed to get on top of the pipes in my parent 's basement to crawl around and hang out . He could hang upside down from the ceiling and jump to the top of a refrigerator from the floor . He would go for hikes with me and Pico in the summer , following closely but sometimes sprinting ahead . He had refined and discriminating taste in beer . In short , Ed was the man . I love that cat with all my heart , and to know that he 's in a box on the porch is devastating . I 'm glad he went quickly though , and thinking back on all the times I just shook my head and laughed at my little man is making things a little better . I feel bad for Herbie though . Herbie was the fat lazy one , and now he 's got no one to play with . Herbie just brushed up against my leg . He gave my calf a little nip , which he does a lot . But hearing him purr makes me realize one thing . Ed died purring , warm and comfortable , held by someone who loved him and will never forget him . He had a good life , and even though he 's gone , the little man will always be with me . Posted on March 6 , 2013 by JALevine Reply It 's forty degrees , the icicles are dripping snowmelt off the roof , and it 's snowing out . Today seems to be a perfect example of the paradox of the season . March starts tomorrow , and the end of winter is in sight . But there 's a pretty solid likelihood of getting a bunch more snow , as well as days and nights that are bitterly cold . This , for me , is often the toughest time of the year . I 'm still enjoying the winter skiing and snowshoeing , as well as the sight of the white woods . But as we get deeper into March and closer to my birthday , I start getting antsy for spring to be here . Last year , there wasn 't really a part of the winter like this , seeing as it was so warm and light on snow . I mean , I went canoeing on my birthday in late March last year . That was definitely a first for me . The driveway is a hot mess now too . I 'm still able to drive up to the cabin and haven 't had to hike in since the middle of January . But as the snow that 's on the ground gets heavier and wetter , it 's harder and harder to stay on the tracks I 've made . I 've slid off the tracks a few times and always have to back up a little bit before getting back on them and driving up to the yard . It won 't be long before I 'm complaining about the mud at the top of the driveway , but for now , I 'll have to complain about the snow . Pico and I took a nice long walk down the road this afternoon . I don 't keep him on a leash out here , as he has never shown an inclination to take off on me . He wanders a hundred yards ahead of me and sometimes if he finds something especially interesting to smell , I may even get ahead of him a little bit . Today was the first time all winter when someone came down the road as we were walking though . I grabbed Pico 's collar and held on as the pickup truck drove by us to the end of the road , turned around and came back by . I recognized the truck as one of my " neighbors " from down the road about two miles . His little dog was sticking its head out the window as they went past and the little dog and Pico shared a hello bark as the driver and I shared the obligatory half wave . I think what makes this time of year something that I think about is that it 's warm and nice and perfect weather for going out and doing my favorite activities , but due to the overcast sky and chance of rain , I find it hard to be motivated to go skiing . The days are longer and warmer but there 's always the feeling that I can go tomorrow . Without having to drive anywhere to go skiing , it 's easy for me to throw on some clothes and boots and head out right from the front door . Even though I am looking forward to the warm days of spring there 's also the dread that the snow coming down could turn to rain , and kill the snowpack that 's already on the ground . Then there won 't be any skiing tomorrow or anytime soon . It 's the differences in these two attitudes that makes March interesting . I can 't wait to go skiing again , and I also can 't wait to be able to walk around the woods without snowshoes or skis . This sums up my attitude about living out here as well . I love the life and simple pleasures my lifestyle provides . But I 'm torn when I want to take a hot shower or just veg out and watch TV . The paradox of the season is representative of my lifestyle . Looking forward to polar opposite desires brings me down and motivates me at the same time . I 'd like to take a hot shower whenever I want , but I also don 't want to pay for utilities or live in some dumpy apartment . I just have to weigh my desires and decide which is best for me , just like anyone else . After all , the hard decision of moving out here has already been made . Now it 's up to me to make it work . Posted on February 26 , 2013 by JALevine 4 Psychologically , I am ready for winter to be over . I like the snow and the skiing and the trips to the gym that I just can 't justify when it 's nice out , but I would really like some nice warm days to come our way . Maybe I 'm not ready for winter to be completely done , but I could use a February or early March thaw . I was sitting here reading the other night , when the radio suddenly turned off . This is a common occurrence , due to the fact that my radio is a " solar " radio . I put solar in quotes because this is what the radio was advertised as , but it is , in fact a crank / rechargeable radio that happens to have a small solar panel on it . This past summer I spent a little bit of money getting solar lights and this radio . Last winter I had used an old digital alarm clock for my radio . That clock was the same one that 's been waking me up since I was a freshman in high school . It was a good , old - fashioned plug in clock radio that had a battery backup so that if the power went out , your alarm would still go off . I went through a lot of nine - volt batteries listening to NCPR last winter , so many that I had to repair the wire harness a few times . I took that clock radio to the campground last spring and decided to leave it there when I got my new solar radio . All that being said though , I wonder how long I would last without it . Now , admittedly , I live in a writer 's dream . Solitude , peace , quiet , and lots of inspiration surround me . I like the peace and quiet , with no neighbors ' dogs barking or loud vehicles driving by . I like the lack of distraction when I 'm writing and reading . But riding out the winter with its long nights would most definitely be a lot more trying if not for the company of the radio . I suppose that when you deprive yourself of a lot of distractions , it becomes a luxury to have a little something going on in the background . I have friends that have come to visit the North Country and can 't sleep because there 's no sound of traffic or sirens to listen to as they drift off . I don 't have that problem . There 's no shortage of noise out here , it 's just not the type of noise created by planes , trains and automobiles . Between the wood crackling in the stove and two rambunctious , mostly nocturnal cats , I have plenty of sound to drift off to . Throw Pico 's gentle snoring into the mix and the sound of the ever - present wind blowing around the cabin and it 's basically a symphony of natural sounds all night long . But there 's sometimes I just don 't feel like listening to the wind or to Ed and Herbie wrestling . That 's when the radio becomes important . The distraction of music or talk radio or whatever is on gives me a much needed respite from the regular sounds this cabin makes . When the sun goes down at four - thirty in the afternoon , it 's the radio that keeps me awake until seven . When I don 't know if I should bother shoveling in the morning , it 's the radio that lets me know . And it 's not that I have the radio on all the time . I can 't write with the radio on , but I can read and play Scrabble . I don 't change the station that frequently because it 's a bother , so I often listen to talk radio or music for a week at a time . Sure , the radio I got may be under - performing . However , it 's my lifeline to the outside world and my one source of passive electronic entertainment . And if that means that I have to spend ten minutes cranking it to listen to twenty minutes of music , I guess I 'll just have to be ok with that . Posted on January 8 , 2013 by JALevine 1 I woke up this morning , as usual , buried by animals . Ed was lying on my chest , Herbie was at my shoulder flicking me in the face with his tail , and Pico was on my left , resting his head on my open hand . It was nice and warm in the cabin even though I hadn 't gotten up all night to feed the stove , and I would have been content to lay there for a while before getting out of bed . I thought about how my car was buried in a snow bank halfway up the driveway and how it 's going to take an hour or so to get it free . I thought about how I 'm still not done shoveling more than a week after our first big snowstorm . I thought about how nice the bed felt . Then Ed stretched and farted , and I jumped out of bed more quickly than I would have liked . Pico and Herbie didn 't wait around in the danger zone either . I fed the animals looked out the big window . It seems like it is getting light a little bit later , but the reflection of the snow definitely helps the pre - dawn light to shine a bit brighter . I checked the seed levels in the two bird feeders and decided that they don 't need to be filled today , but that I probably will fill them , just to put off shoveling my car out for another few minutes . The feeders have been active this winter . Last year , I had mostly black - capped chickadees , with an occasional visitor such as a house finch or blue jay . But this year , there is an almost constant presence of chickadees , and white - and red - breasted nuthatches . And from what I have observed , the red - breasted nuthatches are , well , jerks . There are two feeders , each with two sides to feed on . At any given time there may be a couple of chickadees on one of the feeders , but then a red - breasted nuthatch will fly in and take over one of their spots . Even when the other feeder has no birds on it , the reds will chase off a chickadee . The white - breasted nuthatches don 't seem to be involved in this and generally take off before the reds have a chance to run them off . The chickadees always share the feeders . Even though I 'm fairly short , I 've never suffered from " little man syndrome , " that particular attitude short guys can get where they feel the need to overcompensate for their lack of height . They like to start bar fights for no reason and generally see everyone as a threat . I think this is what 's happening with the red - breasted nuthatches . They 're small , so they 're just kind of overcompensating . They 're not violent , but they 're not passive either . The other birds seem to have figured out that this is just the way it is and they don 't bother fighting back . They just get out of the way . I know that if these birds thought that the seed in the feeders was a limited resource , they would guard and protect the feeders . But because they know that there is ample food for all , there shouldn 't be that much competition . I like having the variety of birds that come to the feeder . It 's interesting to me and it 's the perfect reality TV for the cats . I like watching them sift through the seed for their favorites . I like watching them take an impossibly small seed and grip it in their feet to peck it open . But I like it even more when all the birds can linger in peace eight inches from my window . Posted on December 26 , 2012 by JALevine 3 Well , the world didn 't end , so we got that going for us , which is nice . In fact , on the official first day of winter , we finally started getting some snow . It rained all day , then switched to the very fine snow that blows around and looks like it 's snowing like crazy . I woke up hoping to go skiing , but there 's still only an inch or so of snow on the ground . I really want to go skiing . The fine snow somehow makes it through the screens on my porch , coating everything out there . I always try to sweep the porch before walking on it too many times , but Pico doesn 't care if the porch is clean . He loves the snow . When I let him out , he usually stares at the screen door like it 's the biggest barrier he 's ever seen . But when we get snow , he noses open the door and takes off to prance around in the fresh white stuff . Coming home last night , I drove through the white tunnel that is my road . The balsams and pines that line either side of the road were coated in white , the branches just starting to droop a little bit under the weight of the snow . I didn 't see any tracks across the road or going up the driveway . Maybe it was too windy last night for the animals to be moving around much . But on my way out this morning , I had a big fat bobcat run across about twenty feet in front of the car . The first time I saw a bobcat was on the way up St . Regis Mountain . When I was in college , I worked for a couple of summers as a Watershed Steward , which included a few days per week hiking to the very top of our little watershed , which was the summit of St . Regis . I started walking up there one morning , my car the only one at the trailhead parking lot . The first half or so of the trail is rolling , open woods . Just before I started heading up the steeper , rockier part of the trail , I took off my baseball cap to wipe my forehead . When I took off the hat , I caught a glimpse of some movement a few hundred yards ahead of me . I looked more closely and saw the bobcat just staring at me . The cat looked pretty small and leisurely walked off . He was on the rock , so I didn 't see any tracks , but it was nice to see the cat . The Paul Smith 's mascot is the bobcat , and it was nice to see one so close to campus . The bobcat I saw this morning was at least twice the size of that other one . The short little tail was sticking up as it took three leaps across the road . I stopped to look at the tracks in the snow , and it 's paws were bigger than Pico 's . I could still see him walking off into the woods , over a dead birch tree that was on the ground . He didn 't even look back at me , totally unconcerned that I was only a dozen or so yards away . I hope he stays in this neck of the woods and makes an appearance once in a while . As long as I don 't see those big tracks on the porch , we 'll get along just fine . Posted on December 18 , 2012 by JALevine 3 The best feature of my cabin is the big window . It 's probably four by four , with two smaller windows on either side that open to let in fresh air . With myself , a dog and two cats living in this one room cabin , fresh air is a precious and much needed commodity . The big window is on the south side of the cabin , looking down the driveway and over what used to be the garden . I can see Lower Field , Left Trail , and last year 's junk wood pile . The old plow is right in front and a half - dozen apple trees are in plain view . I can see Whiteface Mountain , but only the summit . There 's also two birdfeeders in front of the big window . This is Ed and Herbie 's entertainment . I get a lot of black - capped chickadees , but have also had blue jays , red - breasted nuthatches and house finches . I 've seen deer , ruffed grouse , turkeys and porcupines through the big window too . My solar panels are just outside , underneath the window so they can catch as much sun as possible during the shortening days as winter sets in . I have been really disappointed with my solar lights and radio . One of the lights stopped working altogether when I moved the panel outside . I looked at it today and was going to try re - wiring it , but noticed that the switch on the panel was in the " off " position . I 'll give it a day or two , but I have a feeling that I fixed the problem . But looking out the window , I think about how this place makes me learn , and makes me want to learn . I didn 't know what a house finch was until some time this past February . I assumed that a red - breasted nuthatch was a weird looking chickadee . And I didn 't care or want to learn about taking care of apple trees . Now I know some new birds , and am going to spend some time this winter reading up on the care of apples . I 'd love to make apple jelly next fall , and use next winter to make applejack . ( For those of you who don 't know what applejack is , you take hard cider and freeze it , then skim off the unfrozen alcohol . This is what Johnny Appleseed actually planted all those apple trees for . ) There 's about thirty apple trees out here . There 's about a dozen in Lower Field , and maybe ten in Upper Field . I 've found a few more scattered throughout the woods too . When I moved out here last fall , there were some apples still on the trees , and a few were really good . It 's apparent that there are a number of varieties , but the trees haven 't been touched in years . I 'd like to do some pruning and trimming to help get the apples going again . This year there were basically no apples , but that was because they all bloomed in March when it was so warm , and then the blossoms got hit and killed by frost . It was a common problem up here . I 'm hoping that by giving them some TLC next year , I can get a crop of all kinds of different kinds of apples . I bet the mix will make the applejack taste fantastic . Posted on November 13 , 2012 by JALevine 4 There 's big fat flakes of snow slowing drifting down out of the sky . I just threw a few logs in the wood stove and the small waft of smoke that escaped is mixing with the aroma of the black beans I 'm simmering on the stove . It 's a nice night to be out here in the cabin . Ed 's curled up next to the computer and his tail is leisurely hitting the back of my hand . Herbie 's asleep and snoring on the foot stool near the woodstove while Pico is contentedly laying on the bed . The temperature is supposed to go up a little in the next few days , but for now , it feels like winter . If it does warm up , it will be a nice treat . My parents came up this weekend to help stack the wood in the shed . Four cords are in there , along with the other four stacked outside under tarps . It 's nice to be all set with heat for the winter , bringing a deserved sense of satisfaction in having taken care of that one aspect . When you live in nature , like most Adirondackers , you try to control what you can , knowing that you can 't control it all . No one knows what type of winter it will be , but we can get ready the best we know how , and in the spring take pride in the fact that we made through another one . As I watch the candle light flicker against the wood paneled walls , I can 't help but think about the path that brought me here . Fighting depression , anxiety , stress , and self - loathing , I ended up in this little shack in the middle of nowhere . I have no neighbors but wild animals . I have to go outside to use the " bathroom . " I force myself to have contact with the outside world , otherwise I 'd be a little afraid of what I might do or become . I do not want to be the Unabomber . I do want a simpler life though . No life is free from stress , but ensuring that there 's a fire going is usually the biggest worry of the day . That , and the temperature of the seat in the outhouse . That 's a big concern . I once heard someone say that depression is like a train that comes barrleing along , and the only thing you can do is hold on as best you can . I think that 's an apt metaphor , and one I relate to well . The nice thing about being out here is that I haven 't heard that train whistle in a long time . And I now have the confidence to know that I will be able to hold on the next time it comes around . Trust me , that 's a stress reliever if I ever knew one . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
He is in water , attempting to grab some color that is there , but is not able to . There is a bridge , and the color floats over to it , and gets stuck . I keep telling him to grab it . I am finally able to . He has family there as well . ( From March 2 , 2015 ) Kyle was sitting on the ground with his legs out , not being able to walk because his spleen burst and he was waiting for surgery . I tripped over his legs . Grandma takes her cat ( didn 't have one ) for a walk , wearing a harness . The cat has to be dragged a little . I 'm in grandma 's house . She doesn 't know I 'm there . Christmas is in 12 days . ( Nothing happened . ) I was very happy , enjoying life . I was thinking about the conversation I had with Ali the night before about people being intimidated by others who think highly of themselves , even only if they think they 're cute . I didn 't care if people were intimidated by me ( I never have ) . Zac , and I , were in water . Part of it was dark . He was young , no more than 5 / 6 . We were in the dark side , but he didn 't like it and wanted to be on the clear side , so we moved . We had a quiz about SpongeBob with us , but neither of us knew the answers because we hadn 't seen it . We were / I was going to bluff it anyway . 33 . 974721 Greg , and Scot , had a younger brother who looked almost exactly like Scot . Greg was holding me , and spinning , in such a way so that I could stretch my legs out parallel to the floor , like dancers . At first I was worried about him being able to hold my weight , but realized he was doing it , then started having fun with it , talking a lot ( I was quiet as a teen ) . Afterwards , I said , " See what a mission does / will do ? " I 'm not sure if he heard because he showed no recognition / validation of me saying it . Two E . M . T . 's came with a stretcher , but without the bed . There was a tall , skinny / thin male one , and a shorter female one . The male took some type of ( crafters ) glue , and put a strip lengthwise down the middle . He then put a board over it . This was to be the bed . After doing so , he went faint . Another female came out to check on him . As soon as she appeared , he popped back up , and she turned around . I thought that she should still check up on him . I was watching a Christmas episode of the Simpson 's . I don 't know if it had aired yet , or if it was a preview , but with " tighter " drawing . A lady , at a professional business building , on the main floor , was pointed out to her that she hadn 't put a Christmas tree up yet . I woke up with the song , " I can see for miles and miles " Ali , to my left , was walking me through a rectangular shaped building . The floor was white tile with black grout . There were cafe tables along both sides , by the walls . The walls may have had greenery , not sure since I didn 't pay attention to them . Sitting at the tables were Arab men , watching us walk through . I didn 't know it was only for them , so I put my hands up in the air , as if to say , " c ' est la vie " . ( From Jan . 27 , 2015 ) Judy was working at a radio station , in the offices , which was rectangular shaped , horizontally . The door was in / near the bottom right corner . Her desk was facing another , up against it , on the left side of the rectangle . Her hair was ( flat ? ) frosted over dark , and was about shoulder length . I was thinking how short she was , and that I never realized that when she wore her hair short , bleached , and fluffy ( ? ) , she looked taller . She was wearing dark jeans . She and a female coworker , also short , were standing over by the desks . This lady looked at the lady standing in the dark doorway , who had no expression . The lady they saw used to work with them . The first lady waved at the other , telling her to come in , but she didn 't move . I was the one looking through her eyes . Ali was sitting on a bag that had a lion inside . The lion was coming out . I asked the Angels , anyone to help because I was scared it was going to bite Ali . It didn 't . ( From Jan . 29 , 2015 ) I 'm on a stationary city bus , looking outside , and wondering what Carol ( ex - coworker from D . I . ) , and others , are standing around for . Eventually I see another bus come , and they get in . It 's foggy outside , and the traffic is going usual speed . I 'm worried that the driver is going too fast , for fear of not being able to see what 's ahead . ( Ali 's dream ) A woman comes and steals my 10 pound weights , wanting to use them for exercising . She is dressed in sweats . As she walks away , with hands in the air , on the street , I run up to her , and violently grab the weights out of her hands . She is confused , and scared . I tell her , adamantly , that I 'm going to wait right here until she understands that these are my things . There are people , of all ages , in the street watching . 33 . 974892 I had bleeding legs from shaving to hard . I was inside a building , with separate rooms , for bands to come and give small concerts . The first room I was in was for KISS . They weren 't out / on stage yet , but everything was set up for them , and there were 4 microphones next to each other . Someone was speaking over the speakers talking about how the group came together . I then went into a room with Fall Out Boy . The singer was yelling the lyrics , and was almost laying down , propped up on something with his left arm , facing up . There were 20 - somethings there , sitting as if in a living room , comfortable . It was known that sex happened among the audience . I didn 't see any happening , but left because I didn 't want to see . I went back to the room with KISS . ( From Feb . 19 , 2015 ) Women were coming out of a building , not sure if it was a church , but they were dressed as such . I asked Amy , " Is that it ? " , thinking there was more . As I was walking along one of the sidewalks , there was a brown pit bull / boxer . Some may have thought he looked scary , but he wasn 't to me . I then saw several black dogs on the other side of him . They were all happy , and doing dog stuff . I pointed out the brown one to Amy . There was also a lady with long brown hair . A Native American ? Amy was then going to drive us home . She was not on the road though , but on top of a craggy hill . She was waiting for a man to move out of a certain place / area so that she could go that way . He moved after us waiting several seconds . As we started to descend , I think I asked if she was sure about this , and if she knew what she was doing . We were always pointed down . The last I saw , after going over / past a ledge , the side of the hill went further in , which I think caused the car to start falling , back end starting / coming up and over . 33 . 974884 An older Mexican lady was staying in one of my parents rooms because she had cancer , and she still looked good . She had recently moved in . On all the walls she had blue ruffle curtains . There was a lady there lying next to her on the bed , and this Mexican lady laid her head on the right shoulder of the other . I was jealous , almost to where I could get depressed , of other people who have their own vehicle . Even poor black people had their own camper / trailer . I heard someone mention / tell me about my jobs , that I had left them . I wanted to say , except one . My right forearm was in a cast . When I was sitting , I could still see a little of stomach roll . My right thumb had an extra layer of nail , looked like acrylic , just above the bed . I pulled it off , slowly , and then blood started rising / coming to the surface , not stopping , but also not overflowing . ( Ali 's dream ) He , and some other guys he grew up with , who have passed on , were taking a math test . There were certain steps to follow . Ali was the only one to get it . Something to do with 61 , and 3 . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . I Keep Going April 22 , 2015Leave a comment ( From Jan . 17 , 2015 ) I was sleeping in bed . My mom comes next to me , and tells me that it 's time to go to bed . I don 't open my eyes . I want to continue sleeping . She turns off the small fan I have beside me . She then wants to show me a newspaper with an article about Oprah , who had brought an older ( 70 's ? ) black lady on her show ( when she had it ) , who had taken care of three ( at different times ) returned vets . Oprah had brought one of them to the show as a surprise . When he started walking out , on the left , audience to his right , she ran over to him to give him a hug . ( I was on set , watching . ) Deion Sanders was there , lying on his left side , propped on his elbow , facing facing forward , and to his right . The audience was to his left . He was wearing a tan / creme suit . The audience was chuckling at something , then he said , " No , serious , I 'm / It 's not very pretty " , alluding that he had also gone to war , and come back disfigured . I couldn 't see anything different about him . ( From Jan . 18 , 2015 ) Kyle was in water , some kind of pool ? , and wanted to see if he could touch the bottom . It was a bit dark , but could still see . He wasn 't able to get to the bottom because of his wound on his stomach still healing . I was also in / under the water , and wanted to say something to him , thinking I might be able , as he was coming back up , but I wasn 't able to . While still dreaming , I was describing / attempting this dream to someone . The family went to visit Judy , who was in the hospital . She was in the right corner room . I didn 't want to go inside , since she isn 't connecting with me at the moment . I turned around , and saw Amy , facing Judy , there , as a patient . I didn 't realize she would be there , so I sat out there , with her , on a couch that was between her and the wall . She was hoping to be able to get out later that day . There were other beds around , with people in them , kinda like the e . r . She was watching a movie that had Emma Thompson ( ? ) . It was obvious , to me , that this was a recent movie , and not made when she was younger , as she had horizontal lines across her face , not too deep , but enough to notice . Emma had something hit her left side of the head , showing a red ribbon falling down the front . She said she was ok , then blood started coming out . Another scene , after time had passed , the blood had suddenly stopped previously , but then started back up again , getting all over the walls / place , which scared her . I told Amy I wasn 't going to watch . There was a path / road in between fences ( ? ) . I was driving the small white Toyota pickup I used to have ( didn 't see ) , and stopped behind a semi without the trailer . I got out to ask the driver , who was standing outside , if I could make it , because there was a short distance that 's burning from the sun ( temperature ) . He told me that , yes , I could , but that I ( end up ) keep going ( not telling me , but acknowledging that that 's what I ( usually ) do ) . I decided to add water anyway so that the engine wouldn 't overheat . I then looked up , and saw the path - 117 . 386474 A foal was being born . Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting at a table , on my right , that I was standing next to . He was watching me . I wanted to ask him about Austria , but couldn 't come up with a good question . I then was sitting across from him , and had my right hand on top of his , thick and big and hairy , and saw that mine was almost as big as his , and made mention of this . A wave was attempting to choke / harm me , but didn 't . Next thing , it was acting normal . Water was spilled inside a building / church , from me , and I saw a door , so I opened it so it would go outside . It started to flood the greenery area in front of the door . At first I was concerned , but then thought , oh well . I was searching for my mom inside this church . A lady came up to me , after I had gone in circles several times , and asked if I needed help . I told her , then she got on a walkie talkie , and started describing me . I don 't know why , and wanted to tell her what my mom looks like , but didn 't because I figured she had a reason for doing what she was doing . Arnold was inside a temple , speaking , and said the word , " moist " . The people started getting excited over that , including some reporters who were in a separate room with a window dividing . ( From Dec . 17 , 2014 ) Either I was running for president , or there were people who had been talking about me running . I got a bit concerned , for a little , because of the corruption in the government . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Feel the Empty Space November 18 , 2014November 18 , 20141 Comment ( Night before I asked why I was called " The Mother " ) A guy was cozying up with me , talking with me . I realized that I hadn 't brushed my teeth yet , but didn 't worry too much about it since he didn 't seem to notice / be affected by it . Someone , Ali ? , mentioned that I hadn 't brushed my teeth , so I told him that I had been chewing ( minty ) gum . My top left tooth , next to my " fang " , came out . I was looking behind it , where there was some of my gums ( normal , supposed to be there ) , to figure out why it would come off / out . I saw a tiny white spot at the top left corner , and thought that might be the reason . I attempted to put it back , like a nail ( not pushing it up in the gums ) , but it wouldn 't stay . I then let it go , and figured that Ali will have to live with me like this . I put my lip down , and it felt weird to feel the empty space . A young teenage girl , with shoulder ( blade ) length brown hair , had a boyfriend , came from a wealthy family , and was enjoying life . One day she found out that she had a certain type of skin cancer . A couple of days later , she was looking at her face in the mirror , with boyfriend behind her , and mentioned that she saw a sign of it showing up on her face . She lived with a lot of ladies , relatives ? , and had a lot of dogs ( not seen , but knew ) . There was a festival in town , and she went to enjoy it while she could . Someone asked where her boyfriend was . She " skated " down a cement curved slope . The scene continued to the left , showing several different groups of people showcasing their own entertainment / talents , like a parade , but they were stationary . I saw a group of people singing the Star Spangled Banner song in a dunked up version / way . Next to them were ladies doing a dance routine with those things they throw up in the air . This girl had become a bit weaker , but still happy . She had just sold a shirt , or clothes , and was holding a wad of cash in her hands , looking at it . She had some tears , but was smiling , because of what she had planned to do with it for her family . She was wearing black and white striped clothes , wiA lady loved getting tore up / mangled by dogs , and would get paid for it . She didn 't have any ambulances around , but had two people who were there to help clean and bandage her wounds . There were black baby kittens on a small slope of a hill , but they were balls , like when fish lay eggs . Someone was moving them , attempting to scoop them up , but not using the scoops nearby , so they were rolling down , about to drop to their deaths . I was at a nice , well built , non denominational church , just to see what it was like . There was a man sitting a couple of chairs away from me on my right . He was " teaching " , using a tablet ( ? ) . One part , he was talking about politicians , showing faces . I saw Mitt Romney . This man said that Mormon 's don 't matter . He went on to something else , saying again about the Mormon 's . I stopped him , and asked if Mormon 's don 't matter because they are irrelevant to his discussion , or because he doesn 't like them . He started answering by not answering , as he backed his chair away . A little blonde girl ( 2 / 3 ) was then sitting on my lap . Though there were no signs , people knew that she was abused . She was still happy though . She wore a dark dress , with tiny white spots ? , and I was rubbing her legs . She wasn 't bothered by that . I then saw hair sticking out of her mouth , and went to take it out . As I went for it , I noticed that the end of her tongue was pierced , and this hair was tied through the hole . She put her tongue back inside , so I wasn 't able to get to it . ( From Nov . 16 , 2014 ) I was in a class , not for schooling , but like a community one , for fun . One day a light skin Arab man offered to give me , and another woman , a ride home . He dropped her off , then continued on . I was going to tell him that I live in Riverside when he brought out some masking tape ( the brown / tan one ) . I knew what his intentions were , so I got out of there . I was running in the city , like in New York with the alleys between the businesses , and couldn 't find a place to go . I finally said , out loud , " God , show me a way out " , or something like that . I then saw that I could go down a certain alley . I went down , and through a door . It was a small rectangular room , like at church for nursing mothers , but there was only a long rectangular mirror on the left , with a counter below it . I debated getting under , but figured he would see me , so I went next to the door so that I would be behind it when he opened it . After he opened it , and didn 't see me , I heard some ladies voices coming our way , and he closed the door without looking behind . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . The Mother October 28 , 2014October 28 , 2014Leave a comment I am standing between benches , turned toward the back , in the chapel of the church , on the right side , speaking with someone . I am wearing an empire waist dress , blue / sea green ( ? ) coloring , maybe some tiny flowers ( ? ) . My hair is dark brown / black , but looks natural . I have added some pounds ( 10 - 15 / 20 ) . A tall , big man walks in at the back . He sees me , and walks to the left toward a lady , to ask about me . Jovially / happily , she says , " Oh , the Mother " , and brings him to me , which by now I 'm near the front on the left side , and introduces him to me . He reminds me of Kyle , intriguing me . I tell him , yes , I am a mother , thinking about my two children , thus the weight . Later on , though , I realize / tell myself that I don 't have any children . This man has a Polish last name , with the weird spelling . He is funny , having previously been on SNL . His singing is beautiful , to almost being of an operatic quality , seeing him sitting where the choir sits , in the top row . There are some cards with names inside . Don 't know what for . I see mine , and the big guys together , mine having his last name . A man says it 's because he always sees us together . I had put a sleeping bag outside , in the back , but forgot about it . Next thing I know , it 's raining , and Steve , as a young boy ( 11 ? ) , is in it . A church leader , who isn 't physically there , but can see him , asked how he is doing . Steve responded that he is fine , except for the fact that he can 't feel his fingers / hands , and toes / feet . He then covers himself . There is a small grave next to him , with something buried . There is a line of Asian men , wearing black suits , holding red umbrellas , on the side of a mountain . I only see the faces of the first couple of them , as I see them from above . I don 't know where they came from , where they are going , or how many there are , as I assume that they go around the corner . I 'm outside , taking a test . My teacher is Bishop Powers . He is enjoying the day , and is enjoying it so much , that he becomes overheated , and needs to lie down on a table . I mention to him , " I thought you had learned from last time " , or something to that effect . While taking the test , we were able to freely converse with each other . I was one of the last two to finish . The test papers were more like a thin book stapled ( ? ) together , and the pages were of varying shapes , sizes , and maybe colors . The questions themselves also weren 't thought out well . One of the last ones wanted me to put in order several animals , stacked upon each other , which included a hummingbird , turtle , and a cat . The longer I looked at this , more animals seemed to show up . A guy appeared , as I was finishing , who sat as close to me as he could , on the right side , in an affectionate way . He looked a combination of Eddie Vedder , and a 7th grade t . a . We had taken a previous class together , and knew each other from that , but didn 't do anything outside of that class . He told me he was from Provo , Utah , and he was what is known / called " Nu Essence " . He then took out , from his right pants pocket , what looked like a small jewelry box , and then got on the ground next to me , facing me . He said he was what was called " Level ( ? ) " , which I might have heard of / about . I told him no , I hadn 't . He then started to explain . ( I woke as he was doing so . ) As he was on the ground , I assumed that he was going to ask me to marry him . I was thinking I would tell him that we hardly know each other , but I was considering saying yes . I was also going to tell him that I would give him an answer the next day , as I needed to discuss this with Ali . Ali was gone for several days , for something , and my dad was here with me . Shortly after going to bed , the alarm went off . I went to check it out , and by the time I got to it , it was turned off , and a guy from church in Moreno Valley was there . He came because some of the floor , in the kitchen ( ? ) , needed to be removed and replaced . I saw water underneath the house . He then left , but I told him the floor needed to be fixed , and he said it would be . Another guy , also from church in Moreno Valley , showed up to fix it . A female is parked in a white car , backed up . Not in a lot , but more like under an empty overpass . I don 't see her . She is frantic , on the phone to 911 . She is telling the operator that a man is coming after her . The operator knows about this man . I 'm standing on the passenger side , by the back , a ways back . I see her falling out in two , but she is not a body , but more like two burnt circles . I think someone comes with something to cover her . We ( including ? ) are at Oprah 's house , looking at her collectibles collection . She has some life - sized statues from different movies . She also has some things of Einstein . Alan is on the right side of the bed . He has on those square glasses with the big black frames . He is wearing striped pajamas , but I see that they are see through , and see what looks like white shorts underneath . His wife is next to him , sitting up , with shorts on . She is skinny , so much so , that I can see a bone sticking out of her left leg , up by the hips . She has really short hair , and I wonder if she is gay . There are several different colored striped pajamas on the end of the bed between them . Alan puts his arm over her stomach / chest area , bringing her down , wanting to get frisky with her . She mentions that I am there . I know they do other things , read , when I 'm not there . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Not Sure What To Do September 26 , 2014September 26 , 2014Leave a comment Kyle has come back ( from where ? Are we still married ? ) , nicely dressed , and walking around normal ( his nerves were becoming pinched the last few years of his life ) . I had the knowledge that he still had his sore / wound in back . He has brought back a woman with him . He had had sex with her , and was now paying her , giving her 3 , or 4 , bundles of money . I 'm upset , and say to him that he has never given me anything , knowing that he did give me a few things . He doesn 't respond . I tell this woman , several times , almost pleading , that she doesn 't have to do this . I mention to her that she 's 38 , and still wants children . She seems unsure of what to do . Kyle is sitting outside , talking to someone . The family has gathered inside . As he is walking towards the house to come inside , the door is open , and calling out for Mark . I 'm thinking to myself that he isn 't here . Kyle , me , and another lady , are naked , getting into a sleeping bag ( ? ) big enough for all of us . He wants to be in the middle , facing her . I leave , taking a blanket ( that I used to have ) with me , going into another room . I lay down between two beds , covering myself , " hiding " from him . |
It had been raining for seven years ; thousands upon thousands of days compounded and filled from one end to the other with rain , with the drum and gush of water , with the sweet crystal fall of showers and the concussion of storms so heavy they were tidal waves come over the islands . A thousand forests had been crushed under the rain and grown up a thousand times to be crushed again . And this was the way life was forever on the planet Venus , and this was the schoolroom of the children of the rocket men and women who had come to a raining world to set up civilization and live out their lives . Margot stood apart from them , from these children who could never remember a time when there wasn 't rain and rain and rain . They were all nine years old , and if there had been a day , seven years ago , when the sun came out for an hour and showed its face to the stunned world , they could not recall . Sometimes , at night , she heard them stir , in remembrance , and she knew they were dreaming and remembering gold or a yellow crayon or a coin large enough to buy the world with . She knew they thought they remembered a warmness , like a blushing in the face , in the body , in the arms and legs and trembling hands . But then they always awoke to the tatting drum , the endless shaking down of clear bead necklaces upon the roof , the walk , the gardens , the forests , and their dreams were gone . All day yesterday they had read in class , about the sun . About how like a lemon it was , and how hot . And they had written small stories or essays or poems about it : Margot stood alone . She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair . She was an old photograph dusted from an album , whitened away , and if she spoke at all her voice would be a ghost . Now she stood , separate , staring at the rain and the loud wet world beyond the huge glass . " Speak when you 're spoken to . " He gave her a shove . But she did not move ; rather she let herself be moved only by him and nothing else . They edged away from her , they would not look at her . She felt them go away . And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city . If they tagged her and ran , she stood blinking after them and did not follow . When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved . Only when they sang about the sun and the summer did her lips move as she watched the drenched windows . And then , of course , the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth , and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio . And they , they had been on Venus all their lives , and they had been only two years old when last the sun came out and had long since forgotten the color and heat of it and the way it really was . But Margot remembered . But she remembered and stood quietly apart from all of them and watched the patterning windows . And once , a month ago , she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms , had clutched her hands to her ears and over her head , screaming the water mustn 't touch her head . So after that , dimly , dimly , she sensed it , she was different and they knew her difference and kept away . There was talk that her father and mother were taking her back to Earth next year ; it seemed vital to her that they do so , though it would mean the loss of thousands of dollars to her family . And so , the children hated her for all these reasons of big and little consequence . They hated her pale snow face , her waiting silence , her thinness , and her possible future . " Nothing ! " he cried . " It was all a joke , wasn 't it ? " He turned to the other children . " Nothing 's happening today , is it ? " " No , " said Margot , falling back . They surged about her , caught her up and bore her protesting , and then pleading , and then crying , back into a tunnel , a room , a closet , where they slammed and locked door . They stood looking at the door and saw it tremble from her beating and throwing herself against it . They heard her muffled cries . Then , smiling , they turned and went out and back down the tunnel , just as the teacher arrived . It was as if , in the midst of a film concerning an avalanche , a tornado , a hurricane , a volcanic eruption something had , first , gone wrong with the sound apparatus , thus muffling and finally cutting off all noise , all of the blasts and repercussions and thunders , and then , second , ripped the film from the projector and inserted in its place a peaceful tropical slide which did not move or tremor . The world ground to a standstill . The silence was so immense and unbelievable that you felt your ears had been stuffed or you had lost your hearing altogether . The children put their hands to their ears . They stood apart . The door slid back and the smell of the silent , waiting world came in to them . " Now , don 't go too far , " called the teacher after them . " You 've only two hours , you know . You wouldn 't want to get caught out ! " They stopped running and stood in the great jungle that covered Venus , that grew and never stopped growing , tumultuously , even as you watched it . It was a nest of octopi , clustering up great arms of fleshlike weed , wavering , flowering in this brief spring . It was the color of rubber and ash , this jungle , from the many years without sun . It was the color of stones and white cheeses and ink , and it was the color of the moon . The children lay out , laughing , on the jungle mattress , and heard it sigh and squeak under them , resilient and alive . They ran among the trees , they slipped and fell , they pushed each other , they played hide - and - seek and tag , but most of all they squinted at the sun until tears down their faces , they put their hands up to that yellowness and that amazing blueness and they breathed of the fresh , fresh air and listened and listened to the silence which suspended them in a blessed sea of no sound and no motion . They looked at everything and savored everything . Then , wildly , like animals escaped from their caves , they ran and ran in shouting circles . They ran for an hour and did not stop running . In the center of it , cupped and huge , was a single rain drop . She began to cry , looking at it . They glanced quietly at the sky . A few cold drops fell on their noses and their cheeks and their mouths . The sun faded behind a stir of mist . A wind blew cool around them . They turned and started to walk back toward the underground house , their hands at their sides , their smiles vanishing away . A boom of thunder startled them and like leaves before a new hurricane , they tumbled upon each other and ran . Lightning struck ten miles away , five miles away , a mile , a half mile . The sky darkened into midnight in a flash . They stood as if someone had driven them , like so many stakes , into the floor . They looked at each other and then looked away . They glanced out at the world that was raining now and raining and raining steadily . They could not meet each other 's glances . Their faces were solemn and pale . They looked at their hands and feet , their faces down . They walked slowly down the hall in the sound of cold rain . They turned through the doorway to the room in the sound of the storm and thunder , lightning on their faces , blue and terrible . They walked over to the closet door slowly and stood by it . 2 . Dwell on the descriptions of the nature and the weather on the planet Venus . Analyze the emotional colouring of the words employed for this purpose , interpret the means of expressiveness you are able to identify . What atmosphere does the author create through such descriptions ? 3 . Examine the way the characters are presented ; pay attention to the choice of words , their connotations , the structure of the sentences . What attitude to the main character does the author establish ? I blinked and my eyes immediately accustomed themselves to the half light . I raised my head and gazed at the large expanse of motionless white flesh lying next to me . If only he took as much exercise as I did he wouldn 't have that spare tyre , I thought unsympathetically . Roger stirred restlessly and even turned over to face me , but I knew he would not be fully awake until the alarm on his side of the bed started ringing . I pondered for a moment whether I could go back to sleep again or should get up and find myself some breakfast before he woke . In the end I settled for just lying still on my side day - dreaming , but making sure I didn 't disturb him . When he did eventually open his eyes I planned to pretend I was still asleep - that way he would end up getting breakfast for me . I began to go over the things that needed to be done after he had left for the office . As long as I was at home ready to greet him when he returned from his work , he didn 't seem to mind what I got up to during the day . A gentle rumble emanated from his side of the bed . Roger 's snoring never disturbed me . My affection for him was unbounded , and I only wished I could find the words to let him know . In truth , he was the first man I had really appreciated . As I gazed at his unshaven face I was reminded that it hadn 't been his looks which had attracted me in the pub that night . I had first come across Roger in the Cat and Whistle , a pub situated on the corner of Mafeking Road . You might say it was our local . He used to come in around eight , order a pint of mild and take it to a small table in the corner of the room just beyond the dartboard . Mostly he would sit alone , watching the darts being thrown towards double top but more often settling in one or five , if they managed to land on the board at all . He never played the game himself , and I often wondered , from my vantage point behind the bar , if he were fearful of relinquishing his favourite seat or just had no interest in the sport . Then things suddenly changed for Roger - for the better , was no doubt how he saw it - when one evening in early spring a blonde named Madeleine , wearing an imitation fur coat and drinking double gin and its , perched on the stool beside him . I had never seen her in the pub before but she was obviously known locally , and loose bar talk led me to believe it couldn 't last . You see , word was about that she was looking for someone whose horizons stretched beyond the Cat and Whistle . In fact the affair - if that 's what it ever came to - lasted for only twenty days . I know because I counted every one of them . Then one night voices were raised and heads turned as she left the small stool just as suddenly as she had come . His tired eyes watched her walk to a vacant place at the corner of the bar , but he didn 't show any surprise at her departure and made no attempt to pursue her . Her exit was my cue to enter . I almost leapt from behind the bar and , moving as quickly as dignity allowed , was seconds later sitting on the vacant stool beside him . He didn 't comment and certainly made no attempt to offer me a drink , but the one glance he shot in my direction did not suggest he found me an unacceptable replacement . I looked around to see if anyone else had plans to usurp my position . The men standing round the dartboard didn 't seem to care . Treble seventeen , twelve and a five kept them more than occupied . I glanced towards the bar to check if the boss had noticed my absence , but he was busy taking orders . I saw Madeleine was already sipping a glass of champagne from the pub 's only bottle , purchased by a stranger whose stylish double - breasted blazer and striped bow tie convinced me she wouldn 't be bothering with Roger any longer . She looked well set for at least another twenty days . I looked up at Roger - I had known his name for some time , although I have never addressed him as such and I couldn 't be sure that he was aware of mine . I began to flutter my eyelashes in a rather exaggerated way . I felt a little stupid but at least it elicited a gentle smile . He leaned over and touched my cheek , his hands surprisingly gentle . Neither of us felt the need to speak . We were both lonely and it seemed unnecessary to explain why . We sat in silence , he occasionally sipping his beer , I from time to time rearranging my legs , while a few feet from us the darts pursued their undetermined course . No one commented when we left together and I was surprised that Roger made no protest as I accompanied him back to his little semi - detached . I already knew exactly where he lived because I had seen him on several occasions standing at the bus queue in Dobson Street in a silent line of reluctant morning passengers . Once I even positioned myself on a nearby wall in order to study his features more carefully . It was an anonymous , almost commonplace face but he had the warmest eyes and the kindest smile I had observed in any man . My only anxiety was that he didn 't seem aware of my existence , just constantly preoccupied , his eyes each evening and his thoughts each morning only for Madeleine . How I envied that girl . She had everything I wanted - except a decent fur coat , the only thing my mother had left me . In truth , I have no right to be catty about Madeleine , as her past couldn 't have been more murky than mine . All that had taken place well over a year ago and , to prove my total devotion to Roger , I have never entered the Cat and Whistle since . He seems to have forgotten Madeleine because he never once spoke of her in front of me . An unusual man , he didn 't question me about any of the relationships either . Perhaps he should have . I would have liked him to know the truth about my life before we 'd met , though it all seems irrelevant now . You see , I had been the youngest in a family of four so I always came last in line . I had never known my father , and I came home one night to discover that my mother had run off with another man . Tracy , one of my sisters , warned me not to expect her back . She turned out to be right , for I have never seen my mother since that day . It 's awful to have to admit , if only to oneself , that one 's mother is a tramp . Now an orphan , I began to drift , often trying to stay one step ahead of the law - not so easy when you haven 't always got somewhere to put your head down . I can 't even recall how I ended up with Derek - if that was his real name . Derek , whose dark sensual looks would have attracted any susceptible female , told me that he had been on a merchant steamer for the past three years . When he made love to me I was ready to believe anything . I explained to him that all I wanted was a warm home , regular food and perhaps in time a family of my own . He ensured that one of my wishes was fulfilled , because a few weeks after he left me I ended up with twins , two girls . Derek never set eyes on them : he had returned to sea even before I could tell him I was pregnant . He hadn 't needed to promise me the earth ; he was so good - looking he must have known I would have been his just for a night on the tiles . I tried to bring up the girls decently , but the authorities caught up with me this time and I lost them both . I wonder where they are now ? God knows . I only hope they 've ended up in a good home . At least they inherited Derek 's irresistible looks , which can only help them through life . It 's just one more thing Roger will never know about . His unquestioning trust only makes me feel more guilty , and now I never seem able to find a way of letting him know the truth . I knew he was perfect for me the first time I heard him order a pint of mild . A pint of mild - I can 't think of a better description of Roger . In those early days the barmaids used to flirt openly with him , but he didn 't show any interest . I think I must have been the only one in that pub who was looking for something more permanent . And so Roger allowed me to spend the night with him . I remember that he slipped into the bathroom to undress while I rested on what I assumed would be my side of the bed . Since that night he has never once asked me to leave , let alone tried to kick me out . It 's an easy - going relationship . I 've never known him raise his voice or scold me unfairly . Forgive the cliché , but for once I have fallen on my feet . Brr . Brr . Brr . That damned alarm . I wished I could have buried it . The noise would go on and on until at last Roger decided to stir himself . I once tried to stretch across him and put a stop to its infernal ringing , only ending up knocking the contraption on the floor , which annoyed him even more than the ringing . Never again , I concluded . Eventually a long arm emerged from under the blanket and a palm dropped on to the top of the clock and the awful din subsided . I 'm a light sleeper - the slightest movement stirs me . If only he had asked me I could have woken him far more gently each morning . After all , my methods are every bit as reliable as any man - made contraption . Half awake , Roger gave me a brief cuddle before kneading my back , always guaranteed to elicit a smile . Then he yawned , stretched and declared as he did every morning , " Must hurry along or I 'll be late for the office . " I suppose some females would have been annoyed by the predictability of our morning routine - but not this lady . It was all part of a life that made me feel secure in the belief that at last I had found something worthwhile . Roger managed to get his feet into the wrong slippers - always a fifty - fifty chance - before lumbering towards the bathroom . He emerged fifteen minutes later , as he always did , looking only slightly better than he had when he entered . I 've learned to live with what some would have called his foibles , while he has learned to accept my mania for cleanliness and a need to feel secure . " I suppose you expect me to get your breakfast before I go to work ? " he added as he made his way downstairs . I didn 't bother to reply . I knew that in a few moments ' time he would be opening the front door , picking up the morning newspaper , any mail , and our regular pint of milk . Reliable as ever , he would put on the kettle , then head for the pantry , fill a bowl with my favourite breakfast food and add my portion of the milk , leaving himself just enough for two cups of coffee . I could anticipate almost to the second when breakfast would be ready . First I would hear the kettle boil , a few moments later the milk would be poured , then finally there would be the sound of a chair being pulled up . That was the signal I needed to confirm it was time for me to join him . I stretched my legs slowly , noticing my nails needed some attention . I had already decided against a proper wash until after he had left for the office . I could hear the sound of the chair being scraped along the kitchen lino . I felt so happy that I literally jumped off the bed before making my way towards the open door . A few seconds later I was downstairs . Although he had already taken his first mouthful of cornflakes he stopped eating the moment he saw me . I padded over towards him and looked up expectantly . He bent down and pushed my bowl towards me . I began to lap up the milk happily , my tail swishing from side to side . 4 . Accumulate the information about the protagonist 's past life and present occupation . Compare your idea of the narrator at the beginning and at the end of the story . She waved at me across a crowded room of the St . Regis Hotel in New York . I waved back realising I knew the face but I was unable to place it . She squeezed past waiters and guests and had reached me before I had a chance to ask anyone who she was . I racked that section of my brain which is meant to store people , but it transmitted no reply . I realised I would have to resort to the old party trick of carefully worded questions until her answers jogged my memory . " How are you , my darling ? " she cried , and threw her arms around me , an opening that didn 't help as we were at a Literary Guild cocktail party , and anyone will throw their arms around you on such occasions , even the directors of the Book - of - the - Month Club . From her accent she was clearly American and looked to be approaching forty , but thanks to the genius of modern make - up might even have overtaken it . She wore a long white cocktail dress and her blonde hair was done up in one of those buns that looks like a cottage loaf . The overall effect made her appear somewhat like a chess queen . Not that the cottage loaf helped because she might have had dark hair flowing to her shoulders when we last met . I do wish women would realise that when they change their hair style they often achieve exactly what they set out to do : look completely different to any unsuspecting male . " Blooming , " I said . So she knew my wife . But then not necessarily , I thought . Most American women are experts at remembering the names of men 's wives . They have to be , when on the New York circuit they change so often it becomes a greater challenge than The Times crossword . " Only once since we had lunch together . " She looked at me quizzically . " You don 't remember who I am , do you ? " she asked as she devoured a cocktail sausage . I had just had my first book published and the critics on both sides of the Atlantic had been complimentary , even if the cheques from my publishers were less so . My agent had told me on several occasions that I shouldn 't write if I wanted to make money . This created a dilemma because I couldn 't see how to make money if I didn 't write . It was around this time that the lady , who was now facing me and chattering on oblivious to my silence , telephoned from New York to heap lavish praise on my novel . There is no writer who does not enjoy receiving such calls , although I confess to having been less than captivated by an eleven - year - old girl who called me collect from California to say she had found a spelling mistake on page forty - seven and warned me she would ring again if she discovered another . However , this particular lady might have ended her transatlantic congratulations with nothing more than goodbye if she had not dropped her own name . It was one of those names that can , on the spur of the moment , always book a table at a chic restaurant or a seat at the opera which mere mortals like myself would have found impossible to achieve given a month 's notice . To be fair , it was her husband 's name that had achieved the reputation , as one of the world 's most distinguished film producers . " Where would you like to have lunch ? " I said , realising a second too late , when she replied with the name of one of the most exclusive restaurants in town , that I should have made sure it was I who choose the venue . I was glad she couldn 't see my forlorn face as she added with unabashed liberation : On the day in question I donned my one respectable suit , a new shirt which I had been saving for a special occasion since Christmas , and the only tie that looked as if it hadn 't previously been used to hold up my trousers . I then strolled over to my bank and asked for a statement of my current account . The teller handed me a long piece of paper unworthy of its amount . I studied the figure as one who has to take a major financial decision . The bottom line stated in black lettering that I was in credit to the sum of thirty - seven pounds and sixty - three pence . I wrote out a cheque for thirty - seven pounds . I feel that a gentleman should always leave his account in credit , and I might add it was a belief that my bank manager shared with me . I then walked up to Mayfair for my luncheon date . As I entered the restaurant I observed too many waiters and plush seats for my liking . You can 't eat either , but you can be charged for them . At a corner table for two sat a woman who , although not young , was elegant . She wore a blouse of powder blue crepe - de - chine , and her blonde hair was rolled away from her face in a style that reminded me of the war years , and had once again become fashionable . It was clearly my transatlantic admirer , and she greeted me in the same " I 've known you all my life " fashion as she was to do at the Literary Guild cocktail party years later . Although she had a drink in front of her I didn 't order an aperitif , explaining that I never drank before lunch - and would like to have added , " but as soon as your husband makes a film of my novel , I will . " She launched immediately into the latest Hollywood gossip , not so much dropping names as reciting them , while I ate my way through the crisps from the bowl in front of me . A few minutes later a waiter materialised by the table and presented us with two large embossed leather menus , considerably better bound than my novel . The place positively reeked of unnecessary expense . I opened the menu and studied the first chapter with horror ; it was eminently putdownable . I had no idea that simple food obtained from Govern Garden that morning could cost quite so much by merely being transported to Mayfair . I could have bought her the same dishes for a quarter of the price at my favourite bistro , a mere one hundred yards away , and to add to my discomfort I observed that it was one of those restaurants where the guest 's menu made no mention of the prices . I settled down to study the long list of French dishes which only served to remind me that I hadn 't eaten well for over a month , a state of affairs that was about to be prolonged by a further day . Iremembered my bank balance and morosely reflected that I would probably have to wait until my agent sold the Icelandic rights of my novel before I could afford a square meal again . " I also eat lightly at lunch " I said mendaciously . " The chefs salad will be quite enough for me . " The waiter was obviously affronted but left peaceably . She chatted of Coppola and Preminger , of Al Pacino and Robert Redford , and of Greta Garbo as if she saw her all the time . She was kind enough to stop for a moment and ask what I was working on at present , I would like to have replied - on how I was to explain to my wife that I only have sixty - three pence left in the bank ; whereas I actually discussed my ideas for another novel . She seemed impressed , but still made no reference to her husband . Should I mention him ? No . Mustn 't sound pushy , or as though I needed the money . The wine waiter handed over a second leather - bound book , this time with golden grapes embossed on the cover . I searched down the pages for half bottles , explaining to my guest I never drank at lunch , I chose the cheapest . The wine waiter reappeared a moment later with a large silver salver full of ice in which the half bottle looked drowned , and , like me , completely out of its depth . A junior waiter cleared away the empty plate while another wheeled a large trolley to the side of our table and served the lamb cutlets and the chefs salad . At the same time a third waiter made up an exquisite side salad for my guest which ended up bigger than my complete order . I didn 't feel I could ask her to swap . " How silly of me to ask for white wine with lamb , " she said , having nearly finished the half bottle , ordered a half bottle of the house red without calling for the wine list . She finished the white wine and then launched into the theatre , music and other authors . All those who were still alive she seemed to know and those who were dead she hadn 't read . I might have enjoyed the performance if it hadn 't been for the fear of wondering if I would be able to afford it when the curtain came down . When the waiter cleared away the empty dishes he asked my guest if she would care for anything else . " I fear the last one may have gone , madam , but I 'll go and see . " Don 't hurry , I wanted to say , but instead I just smiled as the rope tightened around my neck . A few moments later the waiter strode back in triumph weaving between the tables holding the apple surprise , in the palm of his hand , high above his head . I prayed to Newton that the apple would obey his law . It didn 't . While the dear lady was drinking her coffee I picked at another roll and called for the bill , not because I was in any particular hurry , but like a guilty defendant at the Old Bailey I preferred to wait no longer for the judge 's sentence . A man in a smart green uniform , whom I had never seen before , appeared carrying a silver tray with a of paper on it not unlike my bank statement . Ipushed back the edge of the check slowly and read the figure : thirty - six pounds and forty pence . I casually put my hand into my inside pocket and withdrew my life 's possessions and then placed the crisp new notes on the silver tray . They were whisked away . The man in the green uniform returned a few moments later with my sixty pence change , which I pocketed as it was the only way I was going to get a bus home . The waiter me a look that would : have undoubtedly won him a character part in any film produced by the lady 's distinguished husband . My guest rose and walked across the restaurant , waving at , and occasionally kissing people that I had previously only seen in glossy magazines . When she reached the door she stopped to retrieve her coat , a mink . I helped her on with the fur , again failing to leave a tip . As we stood on the Curzon Street pavement , a dark blue Rolls - Royce drew up beside us and a liveried chauffeur leaped out and opened the rear door . She climbed in . " Oh , don 't worry yourself on my account , " she said . " He 's no loss . In any case I have recently married again , " - another film producer , I prayed . - " In fact , I quite expected to bump into my husband today - you see , he owns the restaurant . " Without another word the electric window purred up and the Rolls - Royce glided effortlessly out of sight leaving me to walk to the nearest bus stop . As I stood surrounded by Literary Guild guests , staring at the white queen with the cottage loaf bun , I could still see her drifting away in that blue Rolls - Royce . I tried to concentrate on her words . 3 . Why does the author indulge in great detail while describing the setting ( the interior of the restaurant , some objects and things , the clothes of the characters , etc . ) ? What effect does such detailed description produce ? It was the strangest murder trial I ever attended . They named it the Peckham murder in the headlines , though Northwood Street , where the old woman was found battered to death , was not strictly speaking in Peckham . This was not one of those cases of circumstantial evidence in which you feel the jurymen 's anxiety - because mistakes have been made - like domes of silence muting the court . No , this murderer was all but found with the body : no one present when the Crown counsel outlined his case believed that the man in the dock stood any chance at all . He was a heavy stout man with bulging bloodshot eyes . All his muscles seemed to be in his thighs . Yes , an ugly customer , one you wouldn 't forget in a hurry - and that was an important point because the Crown proposed to call four witnesses who hadn 't forgotten him , who had seen him hurrying away from the little red villa in Northwood Street . The clock had just struck two in the morning . Mrs . Salmon in 15 Northwood Street had been unable to sleep : she heard a door click shut and thought it was her own gate . So she went to the window and saw Adams ( that was his name ) on the steps of Mrs . Parker 's house . He had just come out and he was wearing gloves . He had a hammer in his hand and she saw him drop it into the laurel bushes by the front gate . But before he moved away , he had looked up - at her window . The fatal instinct that tells a man when he is watched exposed him in the light of a street - lamp to her gaze - his eyes suffused with horrifying and brutal fear , like an animal 's when you raise a whip . I talked afterwards to Mrs . Salmon , who naturally after the astonishing verdict went in fear herself . As I imagine did all the witnesses - Henry MacDougall , who had been driving home from Benfleet late and nearly ran Adams down at the corner of Northwood Street . Adams was walking in the middle of the road looking dazed . And old Mr . Wheeler , who lived next door to Mrs . Parker , at No . 12 , and was wakened by a noise - like a chair falling - through the thin - as - paper villa wall , and got up and looked out of the window , just as Mrs . Salmon had done , saw Adams 's back and , as he turned , those bulging eyes . In Laurel Avenue he had been seen by yet another witnes - his luck was badly out ; he might as well have committed the crime in broad daylight . The counsel for the Crown brought the story gently out . She spoke very firmly . There was no malice in her , and no sense of importance at standing there in the Central Criminal Court with a judge in scarlet hanging on her words and the reporters writing them down . Yes , she said , and then she had gone downstairs and rung up the police station . Counsel for the defence rose to cross - examine . If you had reported as many murder trials as I have , you would have known beforehand what line he would take . And I was right , up to a point . Counsel took a look round the court for a moment . Then he said , " Do you mind , Mrs . Salmon , examining again the people in court ? No , not the prisoner . Stand up , please , Mr . Adams , " and there at the back of the court with thick stout body and muscular legs and a pair of bulging eyes , was the exact image of the man in the dock . He was even dressed the same - tight blue suit and striped tie . What we saw then was the end of the case . There wasn 't a witness prepared to swear that it was the prisoner he 'd seen . And the brother ? He had his alibi , too ; he was with his wife . And so the man was acquitted for lack of evidence . But whether - if he did the murder and not his brother - he was punished or not , I don 't know . That extraordinary day had an extraordinary end . I followed Mrs . Salmon out of court and we got wedged in the crowd who were waiting , of course , for the twins . The police tried to drive the crowd away , but all they could do was keep the road - way clear for traffic . I learned later that they tried to get the twins to leave by a back way , but they wouldn 't . One of them - no one knew which - said , " I 've been acquitted , haven 't I ? " and they walked bang out of the front entrance . Then it happened . I don 't know how , though I was only six feet away . The crowd moved and somehow one of the twins got pushed on to the road right in front of a bus . He gave a squeal like a rabbit and that was all ; he was dead , his skull smashed just as Mrs . Parker 's had been . Divine vengeance ? I wish I knew . There was the other Adams getting on his feet from beside the body and looking straight over at Mrs . Salmon . He was crying , but whether he was the murderer or the innocent man nobody will ever be able to tell . But if you were Mrs . Salmon , could you sleep at night ? 2 . Is description as a form of presentation vital in the story ? Does the description of the criminal 's appearance result in characterization ? Does the author create a sympathetic character ? Go back to the text and support your opinion . 3 . Dwell on other characters ' actions and decisions . Do you approve of the defence lawyer 's course of action ? Why do you think Mrs . Salmon changed her evidence ? 5 . What is the tensest moment of the story ? What impression did the accident produce on the narrator ? And on the reader ? Why did the author choose such an ending , in your opinion ? How is it connected with the story 's themes and ideas ? Explain . He wakes feeling his father is in the hallway , listening . He listens to him sleep and dream . Listening to him get up and fumble for his pants . He won 't put on his shoes . To him not going to the kitchen to eat . Staring with shut eyes in the mirror . Sitting an hour on the toilet . Flipping the pages of a book he can 't read . To his anguish , loneliness . The father stands in the hall . The son hears him listen . What the hell for if you spend it in this dark smelly hallway , watching my every move ? Guessing what you can 't see . Why are you always spying on me ? I hear him sometimes in his room but he don 't talk to me and I don 't know what 's what . It 's a terrible feeling for a father . Maybe someday he will write me a letter , My dear father … My wife leaves in the morning to stay with my married daughter , who is expecting her fourth child . The mother cooks and cleans for her and takes care of the three children . My daughter is having a bad pregnancy , with high blood pressure , and lays in bed most of the time . This is what the doctor advised her . My wife is gone all day . She worries something is wrong with Harry . Since he graduated college last summer he is alone , nervous , in his own thoughts . If you talk to him , half the time he yells if he answers you . He reads the papers , smokes , he stays in his room . Or once in a while he goes for a walk in the street . I asked you not to call me by that name any more . It 's not my health . Whatever it is I don 't want to talk about it . The work wasn 't the kind I want . … branches cutting the sunless sky . At the corner of Avenue X , just about where you can smell Coney Island , he crossed the street and began to walk home . He pretended not to see his father cross over though he was infuriated . The father crossed over and followed his son home . When he got to the house he figured Harry was upstairs already . He was in his room with the door shut . Whatever he did in his room he was already doing . Leo took out his small key and opened the mailbox . There were three letters . He looked to see if one of them was , by any chance , from his son to him . My dear father , let me explain myself . The reason I act as I do … There was no such letter . One of the letters was from the Post Office Clerks Benevolent Society , which he slipped into his coat pocket . The other two letters were for Harry . One was from the draft board . He brought it up to his son 's room , knocked on the door and waited . To the boy 's grunt he said , There is a draft - board letter here for you . He turned the knob and entered the room . His son was lying on his bed with his eyes shut . The other letter to his son he took into the kitchen , shut the door , and boiled up some water in a pot . He thought he would read it quickly and seal it carefully with a little paste , then go downstairs and put it back in the mailbox . His wife would take it out with her key when she returned from their daughter 's house and bring it up to Harry . The father read the letter . It was a short letter from a girl . The girl said Harry had borrowed two of her books more than six months ago and since she valued them highly she would like him to send them back to her . Could he do that as soon as possible so that she wouldn 't have to write again ? Leo went into his room and looked around . He looked in the dresser drawers and found nothing unusual . On the desk by the window was a paper Harry had written on . It said : Dear Edith , why don 't you go fuck yourself ? If you write me another letter I 'll murder you . The father got his hat and coat and left the house . He ran slowly for a while , running then walking , until he saw Harry on the other side of the street . He followed him , half a block behind . He followed Harry to Coney Island Avenue and was in time to see him board a trolley - bus going to the Island . Leo had to wait for the next one . He thought of taking a taxi and following the trolley - bus , but no taxi came by . The next bus came by fifteen minutes later and he took it all the way to the Island . It was February and Coney Island was wet , cold , and deserted . There were few cars on Surf Avenue and few people in the streets . It felt like snow . Leo walked on the boardwalk amid snow flurries , looking for his son . The gray sunless beaches were empty . The hot - dog stands , shooting galleries , and bathhouses were shuttered up . The gunmetal ocean , moving like melted lead , looked freezing . A wind blew in off the water and worked its way into his clothes so that he shivered as he walked . The wind white - capped the leaden waves and the slow surf broke on the empty beaches with a quiet roar . He walked in the blow almost to Sea Gate , searching for his son , and then he walked back again . On his way toward Brighton Beach he saw a man on the shore standing in the foaming surf . Leo hurried down the boardwalk stairs and onto the ribbed - sand beach . The man on the roaring shore was Harry , standing in water to the tops of his shoes . A blast of wind lifted his father 's hat and carried it away over the beach . It looked as though it were going to be blown into the surf , but then the wind blew it toward the boardwalk , rolling like a wheel along the wet sand . Leo chased after his hat . He chased it one way , then another , then toward the water . The wind blew the hat against his legs and he caught it . By now he was crying . Breathless , he wiped his eyes with icy fingers and returned to his son at the edge of the water . Harry , what can I say to you ? All I can say to you is who says life is easy ? Since when ? It wasn 't for me and it isn 't for you . It 's life , that 's the way it is - what more can I say ? But if a person don 't want to live what can he do if he 's dead ? Nothing . Nothing is nothing , it 's better to live . 4 . Can you differentiate between the instances of interior monologue and the characters ' dialogue ? How do you know they are addressing each other if the formal marks of dialogue are absent ? What is the author 's purpose in resorting to such specific forms of presentation ? Inside the car it was quiet , the noise of the engine even and subdued , the air just the right temperature , the windows tight - fitting . The boy sat on the back seat , a box of chocolates , unopened , beside him , and a comic , folded . The trim Sussex landscape flowed past the windows : cows , white - fenced fields , highly - priced period houses . The sunlight was glassy , remote as a coloured photograph . The backs of the two heads in front of him swayed with the motion of the car . The car turned right , between white gates and high , dark , tight - clipped hedges . The whisper of the road under the tyres changed to the crunch of gravel . The child , staring sideways , read black lettering on a white board : " St . Edward 's Preparatory School . Please Drive Slowly " . He shifted on the seat , and the leather sucked at the bare skin under his knees , stinging . The mother said , " It 's a lovely place . Those must be the playing - fields . Look , darling , there are some of the boys . " She clicked open her handbag , and the sun caught her mirror and flashed in the child 's eyes ; the comb went through her hair and he saw the grooves it left , neat as distant ploughing . The building was red brick , early nineteenth century , spreading out long arms in which windows glittered blackly . Flowers , trapped in neat beds , were alternate red and white . They went up the steps , the man , the woman , and the child two paces behind . |
Chapter One Johnny came into the apparatus bay . He was early again . He had been early a lot lately . He was smiling and whistling again this morning . Roy had never remembered seeing Johnny so happy . Although he tried to hide it , the rest of the crew noticed it too . Not even the phantom was able to ruffle Gage 's feathers ; much to Chet 's disappointment . Chet thought at first that it was a girl , but he couldn 't get Johnny to admit anything and no girls had been calling as they usually do when Johnny has a new girl friend . Chet was stumped . No one knew why Johnny was so happy lately , except possibly Roy . Even though Johnny had yet to admit it , Roy felt sure he knew why . Johnny and Roy were checking the equipment to start their shift . They calibrated the cardiac monitor and did their radio checks . Johnny smiled as he remembered the last couple of days . The gang had gone out bowling a few nights before for an unofficial firefighters bowling tournament . It was station 36 against station 51 . Station 10 even showed up for the fun . Johnny was pleased that Sam beat Chet so easily putting an end to his bragging , even though it meant that the station 51 team lost and the station 36 team won . Chet was always bragging what an expert bowler he was and how he thought about being a pro bowler at one point . But , Sam averaged 240 in bowling that night , beating Chet by a good thirty pins . She joked that during the long Alaskan winters , she spent half her life in the bowling alley . Watching her bowl , everyone believed that was true . Johnny thought about how much fun she was to hang out with . The whole group spent the night bowling , laughing and drinking beer . Johnny watched as all the single guys seemed to swarm around her . Sam took it all in stride . She laughed and joked with all of them . She looked over at Johnny who was watching her and smiled at him . She was just having fun with all her friends . Sam even got the attention of others in the alley . It 's not often that a girl is seen hanging out with such a big bunch of guys . Sam was leaning against a row of plastic chairs waiting her turn and cheering on her team . A guy from the other lane had been watching her . He figured that if she had all those guys there and she was turning them all down , maybe she wanted someone like him . He staggered over to Sam , totally drunk . " Don 't you turn your back on me ! " He said . The drunk was offended by her just turning away and grabbed her by the arm trying to turn her around but instead he pulled her awkwardly over the chairs . She fell flat on her back on the floor . The whole group of guys stood up to come to her rescue . Terry , the lineman from 36 , was standing next to her . He turned to face the man but before he could say or do anything the drunk punched him right in the face , knocking him back and into others guys from 36 who were moving forward . Sam stood up and the drunk grabbed her by the wrist to pull her away . Instead , Sam pushed her hand toward him then pulled out of his grip . She gripped the man instead of him gripping her . She held his thumb and wrist . She twisted him around and face planted him on the table top until he was drooling on his own score sheets . His friends just stood back , embarrassed by their drunken friend . " I already told you , No Thanks , " Sam said . " I really don 't want another beer . " She held the man down so he wouldn 't hurt himself or anyone else and looked over at her friends . " Are you ok Terry ? " Terry looked over at her , his eye bruising and starting to swell . " I 'm fine Sam , " he said . Alex looked curiously over at Johnny and the others at 51 who just stood there watching the action . The police came in a few minutes later and arrested the drunk for assault . Some of the guys from 36 felt a little off balance by hanging around with a girl so able to care for herself . Johnny smiled as he watched her and said , " Far out . " Sam had settled back into the routine of station 36 . She worked well with Alex and they finally got to the point that when they worked , they were working as one unit . Even though Captain David Harrison had his doubts when Sam was assigned , he had to agree , she was unique and well worth the chance he had taken when he agreed with her assignment . He took a lot of flak from some of the other captains who teased him about having a girl assigned to his crew but when Captain Hank Stanley stepped up and quietly told him not to worry about it , Harrison relented . Hank and David had been friends from way back when they worked hoses side by side at Station 10 . He learned to trust Hank in many things , so he was willing to give it a shot when Hank was supporting her . Besides , David knew that Captain Stanley had seen her work . Now Captain Harrison was really glad he listened . He was so proud . His team was growing as strong as his friend Hanks . Even with the pink tutu 's left in his bunk , and lipstick left on his desk , she was worth it . He just wished more of the other Captains would come around to see it too . Sam and Alex were busy doing their morning checks of equipment and cleaning up from the previous shift . There was an easy banter among the group that was often fun for the Captain to listen to . He thought to himself , Sam sure knew how to keep those guys in their place . He was as surprised as anyone when she easily took care of the drunk in the bowling alley the other night . But when it came to Sam he was learning to anticipate her surprises . The klaxons sounded several alarms to break up the routine of the morning . " Station 36 , Station 51 , Engine 10 , engine 8 . Structure fire , Commerce and Central , Commerce and Central . Time out 10 : 21 . " Captain Harrison answered the call , then handed Alex the address . Sam and Alex ran to the squad and they led the way out with the engine close behind . They drove into a manufacturing area with many warehouses nearby . As they came to the location they saw a huge warehouse well involved . Smoke poured out the doors and flames could be seen through the windows . They looked up at the sign to see that the building was used to make paint . When they saw that , they knew pulling up that this was going to be a rough response . Station 36 was the first ones in . Harrison jumped out of the engine and started shouting commands to his men as the Warehouse Manager ran up to him . " The place went up so fast . We got everyone out as fast as we could but when I did a head count , there are two missing , " he said . " Do you know where they are ? " Captain Harrison asked . The pair came over to the Captain and were informed of the two missing people and where they were last seen . Without hesitation they both ran to the squad , pulled on their turnouts , masks & helmets , then prepared to enter the building . Harrison called to the others in his crew to cover them . The other men fell in behind to help . Station 51 pulled up to the scene . Johnny and Roy watched as Alex and Sam pulled their gear on and ran to the building with the rest of the men behind , toting hoses . They knew this couldn 't be good . That fact was confirmed when they heard Harrison on the radio asking them to set up a cover for the crew going in to search for two missing employees . Sam and Alex ran into the building . They paused for a minute and looked around . There was a lot of smoke and it was pretty hot , but the fire hadn 't reached that point of the door yet . There were barrels of paint , solvents and thinners everywhere . There were also many cardboard boxes filled with different colors of paint . There was so much fuel for this fire that it was frightening . Sam and Alex could see the fire burning around some of the mixing equipment and in a few other locations nearby . It was burning hottest near some large barrels marked thinner . " Alex , look , " Sam said . " We better make this fast . " Terry and the other guys from 36 came in behind them with charged hoses . They focused on the area where the missing were last seen . The area leading to the offices was sprayed down and the fire pulled back some so the pair could gets past . Sam and Alex ran toward the upstairs offices right above where the fire was burning the hottest . They came across the first victim right away . A man looked like he was coming down the wooden staircase and collapsed halfway down the stairs . Alex shook him . He then took the mask off his face and gave it to the man . The man sucked the oxygen in and coughed . " Tammy , " he coughed again and pointed up the stairs . " She 's still up there . " Sam ran past them and bounded up the stairs in search of Tammy as Alex half carried the first victim the rest of the way down the stairs and headed toward the door . Sam opened the door to several of the offices looking for Tammy . After looking in the third door she finally found her laying on the floor . There was a commotion outside on the warehouse floor . Then she heard Captain Harrison on her Handy talkie yell , " Everyone , get back ! Get Back ! " Alex looked back through the door in disbelief as the rest of the men got back up with their hoses and started to move in to battle the now more intense blaze . There were flames everywhere . He was afraid of what he may find when he went back into the warehouse . Sam grabbed Tammy and pulled her to her feet . Tammy coughed and Sam looked into her frightened eyes . " Come on , we 've got to get out of here NOW , " Sam said . She whipped her mask off and gave it to Tammy who took a few quick breaths as Sam quickly dragged her out the door and toward the stairs . It was just then when the barrels below them blew . The whole floor they were standing on lifted and shook . The fireball went around them singeing hair and the wood frame of the office . Sam instinctively turned to envelope Tammy shielding her from the brunt of the flames . Sam could hear Tammy 's voice muffled in the air mask as she screamed . Before they had a chance to blink , the now weakened upper level began to shift and collapse . Sam wrapped her arms tightly around Tammy as they both fell through the wood railing toward the floor 12 feet below . With the heavy tank on her back , Sam fell back first , still hugging Tammy as they fell . About halfway down they landed on some large wooden crates with a thump , then rolled onto the floor with a smack another 6 feet below them . Once they were on solid ground , Sam rolled onto her back and looked up . The structure from the offices was falling right at them . " Oh Shit , " Sam said then turned her face away attempting to shield herself from the debris she knew was coming right at her . The office walls and walkway hit the large crate and boxes of paint near them . The debris pivoted around creating a pocket of safety . The paint cans exploded from the impact and the girls were splattered with multiple colors of paint as another deafening explosion rocked the area . Luckily they were shielded from that explosion by the fallen offices and the large equipment crate . Colorful smoke now appeared as the solvent began to react to the heat . Marco and Chet joined Alex and the others from engine 36 working their way over with the hoses . They could hear Tammy crying under the debris and Sam was coughing from the smoke and the inhaled solvent fumes . The crate had protected Sam and Tammy from the falling offices and created a small protected space . Alex pulled away some of the wood to find his partner and her victim huddled underneath . Tammy was practically pushed through the small hole Alex created and Sam followed close behind . Terry reached down to pull out Sam then went back to his hose . Alex , Tammy and Sam headed out the warehouse . Alex helped Tammy over to where Roy was working on the other victim . Tammy was cradling her wrist that broke when they fell off the crate onto the concrete floor . Sam followed slowly behind Alex and Tammy . Tammy 's friend was laying on the ground wearing an oxygen mask and Roy was checking his vitals . Sam and Tammy were covered in so many colors of paint they looked like they were tidied . Alex helped Tammy sit next to her friend and he started to check her over while Sam staggered over . She was moving slowly and looked to be dizzy and in pain . She let out a few hard coughs . Captain Harrison came over to help Sam . Captain Harrison helped Sam to gingerly take her tank and turnout coat off then sit unsteadily down on the ground . She leaned back against the wheel of the squad . She dropped her head back attempting to stop the world from spinning . " We got them all out cap , " Sam answered then coughed again . He looked at her with some concern . " It looked a little close . " Sam nodded , " Yeah , it was a little toasty . " Sam let out another hearty cough . Captain Harrison handed Sam the oxygen so that she could breathe in some of the clean air . Alex pulled out another oxygen tank from the squad and put the mask over Tammy 's face . Tammy was sobbing into her oxygen mask as Alex looked her over . He splinted her broken wrist . She seemed to be mostly frightened . Tammy looked over at Sam and almost did a double take as she noticed that her hero wasn 't a man as she thought . Roy got on the radio to contact Rampart as the ambulance pulled up to take in the injured . " Rampart , this is squad 51 , " Roy said . " We have 3 victims of smoke inhalation and possible Ethel acetate fumes . All victims are on 6 liters of O2 . Stand by for vital signs . " Roy started to tell Rampart the vitals of Tammy and her friend . Everyone was glad to see that all the injuries were relatively minor and Captain Harrison was proud of how well his lady Firefighter / Paramedic was doing . He knew that those other captains , would soon be eating their words . Now that the fire was relatively contained , Johnny came over to check on his partner and see how everyone was doing . Johnny giggled as he saw Sam 's colorful figure . Even with the turnout and helmet , Sam had paint covering her pants , face and hair . " I always thought you were pretty colorful , " Johnny joked trying to make light of the situation . Sam took the oxygen mask off her face to answer . " Ha ha ha ha ha , " Sam hoarsely said then let out another deep cough . Alex pushed the mask back to her face . Johnny felt a little embarrassed by the joke when he heard the deep cough . He knew that she had eaten smoke and was probably feeling pretty miserable . " Are you ok ? " he asked concerned . Sam nodded then quietly trying to stifle another cough . Alex reached down to give Sam a hand up . She took his hand and followed the two victims and Roy into the ambulance while Alex carried the oxygen for her . Once she was settled inside , Alex shut the doors of the ambulance then patted on the back doors so they knew it was secure . The ambulance drove away . Johnny and Alex watched it go for a moment , then Alex patted Johnny on the back . " So I guess I 'll see you at rampart , " Alex said to him . Alex and Johnny picked up the rest of their equipment and headed to their squads for the drive to Rampart . Johnny drove silently , thinking . The way Sam acted when he just spoke to her seemed pretty distant . He wondered to himself if he had made her angry by his actions . Didn 't she understand he was just trying to be funny . Did she decide that he wasn 't good enough now that she knows more about him . When she was hurt a few months ago he told her so much about his life . He was just trying to keep her distracted . She was hurt so badly then . Johnny didn 't know how much of what he told her she even remembered . They had never really talked about it . Since her accident , it didn 't seem to matter , but now he was second guessing everything . Now that they were in the ambulance and everyone seemed pretty stable , Roy turned his attention to Sam . She still coughed deeply every so often . Her throat was sore and she felt so congested . Every word she spoke brought on more coughing and more irritation . Roy put the stethoscope on her back to listen to her breathing . She took a couple deep breaths for him . Tammy was relieved by his answer . Roy smiled at Sam and Sam winked back at the compliment . They finally arrived at Rampart . Tammy and her friend were brought out of the ambulance on the gurney first . Roy helped Sam out then they followed behind . After Roy saw his first victim to his treatment room and reported that there were no complications on the way in , Roy went looking for Sam . He went in the room with Dr . Early , who was checking on Tammy . " You sound pretty good , " Dr . Early said . " It was all thanks to that girl firefighter , " Tammy said . " The whole place exploded and she shielded me from the fire and the fall too . I thought we were going to die . " Tammy began to cry again . " I was so scared . " " Yeah , I Did , " she answered . " I felt so grimey , I was just washing my face . It figures that Roy would have tracked you down for me before I was finished cleaning up . " Sam stepped away from the basin still cleaning paint out of her ears with a paper towel and climbed up onto the exam table . She unbuttoned and untucked her blue uniform shirt revealing her usual white tank top underneath so the doctor could listen more clearly to her lungs . As he walked behind her , Dr . Bracket looked with curiosity at Sam 's hair . Dr . Brackett moved her short hair out of the way to check her neck for burns . He then pulled her white tank top up in back to listen to her lungs and saw a huge back bruise up Sam 's back . " I had a bit of a fall too , " Sam said knowing that he would have something to say about the bruise on her back . Brackett probed the area to make sure there were no broken ribs or back injuries , then he listened to her lungs . " Dix , let 's get some chest and back X - rays , " he said . " You have a little congestion , but it 's not too bad , " Dr . Brackett said . " Let 's get you back on oxygen while we get the X - rays . Are you still feeling dizzy ? " Johnny arrived at Rampart and walked in the door . He walked over to the base station where he found , Dixie , Alex and Roy talking as they laughed and sipped some coffee . " Hey guys , " he said . " Hi Johnny , " Dixie said . " I don 't think so Johnny , " Roy said . " She took in a lot of smoke and fumes . I don 't think she was able to really talk to you at the fire . " " Oh , " Johnny said . He looked out the side window of the squad and smiled as he thought about her . " So she didn 't say anything in particular in the ambulance ? " " Very funny Roy , " Johnny said . " It 's just that I never met anyone like Sam before . The more I get to know her . . . She 's smart , pretty , understanding and can even handle Chet . " Roy raised his eyebrows . He really didn 't have anything to say . He wasn 't sure where this was going . At this point he was just glad that Johnny was happy . The sun was shining and it was a beautiful warm morning , which was a bit unusual for so late in December . Johnny was sitting outside the small cafe overlooking the ocean . He sat back in the chair sipping his coffee as he waited . Johnny checked his watch again for what seemed like the hundredth time . She should have been there thirty minutes ago . Where could she be he thought . Then he thought , she changed her mind and decided not to come . A gentle cool breeze blew through the seating area outside the cafe blowing Johnny 's napkin off the table . Sam came strolling over . She was wearing a beautiful red v neck sweater and perfectly fitting blue jeans . Johnny leaned down to pick up the napkin from under the table . As he was picking up the napkin , he didn 't see Sam approach until she was standing right in front of him . He looked up to see her standing there looking at him . " Hi Johnny , " she said still with a slight rasp to her voice from the day before . " I 'm sorry I was so late . Alex had to leave for a dentist appointment and Travis was running late so I hung around a little until he got there . " Johnny looked up at her and smiled . He stood up for her . He had rarely seen her dressed nicely . Other than her uniform he had seen her mostly in jeans and a t - shirt . " I was starting to think that you might have changed your mind about breakfast . " " He had a broken arm and a concussion , but he 's going to be fine , " Sam answered . " Other than that , we had a pretty quiet night and I 'm glad . We didn 't get back until 4am . I 'm beat . " Johnny seemed disappointed that she was so tired . The waitress came by and filled the coffee cup on the table in front of Sam . " Ohhh , coffee . Thank you , " she said to the waitress . Sam took a small sip from her warm cup , then they placed their breakfast order and talked as they ate . Johnny with his eggs , bacon , toast and hash browns ; Sam with her omelet and fruit . It was lots of small talk about work , the weather and what they were planning to do for the upcoming holidays . It was a pleasant breakfast for both of them . After breakfast they decided to walk along the beach and enjoy the quiet morning . Sam kicked off her shoes so she could feel the warm sand on her feet . Johnny decided to do the same . " I grew up so far inland I never even saw a beach until I moved here . It 's like I always imagined it would be , " Sam said . " It 's so beautiful . " Johnny looked over at Sam and smiled . Even though it really was a beautiful morning . His thoughts were more of her . " Yes , beautiful , " he agreed . They watched as a small boy ran into the surf followed by his sister and a man went jogging at the waters edge . The wind kicked up a little blowing sand around . Sam turned a bit toward Johnny to keep the sand out of her face . He put his arm protectively around her shoulders and gave her a bit of a squeeze . Sam groaned and squirmed from the squeeze and pulled out of the hug . " Sam , " Johnny said confused . He was hurt and felt a bit rejected . " I 'm sorry Johnny , " Sam said . " My back is a little sore this morning . " " It was at that warehouse fire yesterday . I kind of thought I would be a little sore today , but it 's a little more than I expected . " Sam explained . " The warehouse ? You weren 't in there when it blew were you ? Is that how you got covered with paint and ate all that smoke ? " Johnny asked . Sam was surprised by the amount of concern that Johnny was showing . It 's something she hadn 't expected . Johnny was a lot like her . Un - afraid to step in for the victim . She tried to play down the injury . " Johnny , it 's just a bruise on my back . Brackett checked and everything 's fine , " Sam explained . " My cough is gone for the most part too . " Johnny suddenly turned her and pulled up the sweater in back . He looked at the huge black and blue bruise on her back from the fall she had in warehouse . " Hey , " she cried when he looked at her back . " Johnny , you know that this is just a part of the job , " Sam said . " It 's not that big of a deal . Sometimes we get hurt . " " You could have been killed . You were lucky you weren 't killed . That place was an inferno , " Johnny said . " Why didn 't you come out when they called for everyone ? " " I was on my way out , there just wasn 't enough time , " she explained . She was getting frustrated . Sam pulled the sweater out of his hands and pulled it back down around her hips . " No buts . You know I 'm right , " Sam argued . " You 've spent so much time as a patient at Rampart there 's talk of them even naming a room in your honor . The official Johnny Gage hospital room . So don 't think you can lecture me about being careful . " He walked a few steps away from her running his hand through his hair . He was obviously frustrated with the conversation . He couldn 't believe she was taking this so lightly . " What do you mean it 's not the same , " Sam yelled increasingly frustrated by him . " If I hadn 't been there Tammy would have been killed , " Sam explained . " Do you want me to stand there and let an innocent person die because I might get a boo boo ? " Sam had come to the end of her rope . She was angry . She asked , " Why is it such a big deal ? It 's a little smoke inhalation and a bruise . So why is it not the same as when you do it ? Its because I 'm a girl isn 't it . Man it always comes down to that doesn 't it ? No one wants to see the girl hurt . Blah , blah , blah . I thought you we 're different . I thought you accepted me for who and what I am . My job means a lot to me . I worked hard to get to this point . Those people like Tammy . They mean a lot to me . " Johnny was really flustered from the argument . She was right in his face . She was practically yelling at him . People were walking past them watching and at the same time acting like they were hearing nothing . Johnny looked at the strangers faces as they walked by . He was having a hard time answering Sam 's questions . " Well , Johnny . Then what is the issue here ! " Sam yelled . Sam stopped . She stepped back a couple steps . She looked at him like a deer in the headlights and took a deep breath . " What ? " She quietly asked . Johnny looked at the unusual expression on her face and just reacted . " Just forget it , " Johnny said . He turned around and started to walk , almost stomp , back down the beach toward the restaurant and his car . " Johnny ? " Sam called to him . But Johnny just kept walking . Sam followed behind him . " Just forget I ever said anything , " he said angrily . " I 'm know , I 'm not good enough . It 's the story of my life . I 've always been too white or too Indian . I 've never been good enough ! " Johnny stopped . He stared straight ahead . He bit his lip . He wouldn 't turn to face her . He couldn 't . Sam just looked at him , tears in her eyes . " Johnny , It 's not that . You are perfect the way you are . I thought that since the first day we met , " Sam said . " It 's me . " " Yeah right , " he said quietly . He pushed past her and continued his walk away from her at a much slower pace than before . " That 's what they all say . " Sam rushed up to Johnny and went around to face him . She looked him right in the face but his head was down and eyes were closed . She spoke anyway . " The first time I saw you , I knew how special you are . I was so happy when I woke up in ICU . To see you were sitting there . It meant so much to me . Then when you took me home and stayed with me . You helped me and took care of me all that time while I recovered . You never asked for anything . You were there at my weakest . You stayed , " Sam said . Tears were streaming down her face . She paused to think deep down then said " I 've watched so many people I care about die right before my eyes . " She took a deep breath . " I never planned to get so close to anyone or fall in love . I 'm so afraid Johnny . I Don 't want to hurt like that again . " Sam said . Sam was struggling to find the words to explain her feelings to him . She looked away from Johnny in fear and frustration . She looked out to the vastness of the ocean . Johnny opened his eyes and looked at Sam . Johnny understood how she was feeling . He had closed himself off from feeling to avoid the hurt too . He smiled at her . Sam resigned herself to the fact that as hard as she tried , she already lost this battle . She had lost her heart to this handsome young firefighter long before this day . Sam put her head down and leaned into him with her head on his shoulder and her hands around his waist . Johnny responded by putting his arms around her and pulled her tight against him , " Johnny ow ! " She said and squirmed away a bit . " Remember , my back . " Johnny took Sam 's hand and they walked back down the beach toward the restaurant and their cars . Hand in hand . Chapter two The next day Johnny was back on duty . He walked into the locker room where Roy was changing into his uniform . Johnny had a huge smile on his face . " Breakfast yesterday was absolutely incredible Roy , " Johnny said . " We had a fantastic breakfast at that little cafe you told me about right on the ocean in Hermosa beach . Then after breakfast we went for a barefoot walk on the beach . It was such a nice day . It was just incredible . There was no way it could have been any better . " Johnny smiled and seemed to be bursting . Chet came around the corner after obviously listening in . " I knew it had to be a girl Gage , " Chet said . " So who is the unlucky girl ? " He handed the address slip to Roy who passed it on to Johnny , then the squad drove out to the rescue with the engine close behind . They arrived at a beautiful house with nice old trees in the yard . A young woman came running out to meet the squad . She ran right up to Johnny as he got out of the squad . " I 'm so glad you 're here , " she said . " I didn 't know what to do ? " " I 'll say , " she said frustrated as she led them into the back yard . She pointed toward a large tree in the backyard . " My son Russell built a tree house up there , " she explained . " He was climbing up and the rope broke . I didn 't even know he built that thing until I heard him crying up there . " Mike and Marco brought the ladder over . They extended the length and they set it against the trunk of the tree just past the tree house . Johnny immediately began climbing up . He got to the top and found the young boy just sitting and waiting . " I 'm ok , " he said . " When the rope broke , I grabbed on the branch and climbed up . I didn 't know how I was going to get back down . " Russell , got on the ladder and Johnny walked him down slowly to the ground . The mother thanked the crew for all their help then grabbed Russell by the ear and led him into the house while getting a good talking to . The guys just watched them go and smiled . Then they put away the ladder and headed home . Johnny sat in the squad with a goofy smile as Roy drove . " Well she was a half hour late , " Johnny started . " I thought she had changed her mind and gone home . Just when I was getting ready to leave , she got there . She looked beautiful . It turns out Travis had car trouble and was running late so she stayed to wait for him . " " We talked , " Johnny continued . " Then we went walking on the beach . Roy , you didn 't tell me she hurt her back at the warehouse . I found that out when I tried to hold her . Then we had an argument right there on the beach and I blurted out that . . . " Sam and Alex were in the apparatus bay mopping the area . Sam was quiet . More quiet than usual . " Sam , you 're awful quiet this morning . What 's going on ? " Alex asked . " Did something happen on your day off ? " " Sam , you 've been mopping that same spot for five minutes . I know something 's going on , " Alex said . " I 'm your partner . Come on . You can tell me . " Sam nodded , " yeah , we went out to breakfast . It was at this little cafe in Hermosa beach . It was right on the ocean . Alex , Johnny 's such a great guy . We have so much in common . After breakfast we walked along the beach . " " You know exactly what I 'm talking about , " Alex said . " It 's the same look my wife gives to me . You 've fallen for him . " The klaxons started to go off . Bell after bell after bell was heard . Station 98 , station 36 , engine 8 , engine 10 , station 51 , engine 236 , engine 214 , engine 264 , engine 70 battalion 5 , station 106 , engine 60 . Brush fire Arroyo Pescadero Trail , Arroyo Pescadero Trail . Grid 13 H . Time out 10 : 59 . " Alex and Sam put the mops in the buckets and pushed them to the side as the guys came running in and jumped on the engine to go . Sam and Alex jumped into the squad and led the way to the brush fire . As they drove closer , they could see the orange glow from the massive fire on the horizon . Sam leaned forward in the cab of the squad just amazed at the enormity of it . Squad 51 was called to search for a pair of missing hikers in a canyon a few miles from the fire line . They drove up the fire road . The whole area was dark with smoke . There was debris across the road and Roy stopped the squad . They would have to hike the road and hope to find the missing hikers soon . " LA , the road is blocked by a slide . We are on brown mountain fire road one mile north of the junction . We are continuing on foot , " Johnny reported on the radio . Johnny and Roy got out , and started hiking up the road . They had hiked about 3 / 4 of a mile when they came upon the two hikers . One had an injured leg and was half being carried by his friend . They were really excited when they saw the firefighters coming up the road toward them . " 10 - 4 , " Roy said . " We have located the hikers . We are 3 / 4 of a mile east of the squad on the brown mountain fire road one mile from the junction . One hiker is injured . We are heading back to our vehicle now . " The four began the hike back to the squad . Johnny had his arm around one side of Harry and his friend was on the other side , helping him hike quickly down the road . As they hiked they could see an orange glow up ahead and feared the worst . The fire was closing in behind them and had spotted out in front of them , cutting them off from the squad . " LA , the fire has spotted out in front of us , we 're cut off , " Roy said . " We could really use a water drop or we 're not going to be able to get out of here . " Roy and Johnny listened to the chatter on the radio . " Copter 10 , copter 14 , this is battalion 5 . We need you to do a water drop at Squad 51 's location . Brown mountain fire road , one mile from the junction . Engine 51 and squad 36 assist squad 51 . " " Engine 51 , 10 - 4 . ETA 5 minutes , " Captain Stanley said . The four of them rushed down the hill to a clearing just below . Johnny and Roy grabbed the shovels and started to dig . They dug a good hole very quickly as the fire continued to move closer to them from all directions . The two victims were laid down with Johnny on one side and Roy on the other . They pulled the dirt over them with just their heads poking out of the earth . Johnny and Roy fought to keep their victims calm as they watched the fire quickly climb the hill and before they knew it , it had overtaken them . Sam and Alex arrived just moments behind the first water drop . As they pulled up the fire road , they found squad 51 fully engulfed in flames . " Oh God , " Sam said . Then copter 14 made another water drop just as squad 36 pulled up . Sam saw the reflection from the helmets just down the hill in the clearing . She jumped out of the squad almost before it stopped moving and she ran down the hill where Johnny and Roy and their victims had dug in . Sam ran down the hill like a deer . Alex had a really hard time keeping up . She found the four buried . None of them were moving . Sam pulled the helmet off Roy and checked his pulse . Roy began to move and cough . " Are you ok ? " She asked . Roy nodded , then turned to check the victim right next to him , who was scared and hot . Sam moved over to Johnny . She checked his pulse and breathing just as Alex finally caught up to her . Alex took Roy 's hand and help him to stand , then the two of them helped the other victims just as Chet came up behind them . " He 's not breathing , " Sam said . Sam gave Johnny two quick breaths then threw him across her shoulders and sprinted up the hill faster that anyone watching her could believe . They wondered how she could move so fast up the rugged terrain carrying Gage . Marco and Captain Stanley were working on putting out the burning squad and holding the approaching flames at bay . Sam got to the top of the hill , she laid Johnny gently on the ground next to squad 36 . She pulled out the oxygen and put the mask over his face trying to fill his lungs with cool fresh air . Captain Stanley came over . " Cap , get on the radio to rampart . He 's in respiratory arrest . I need to insert an esophageal airway , " she said . " He 's not ventilating well . I think there 's laryngeal swelling . " Captain Stanley got on the radio with Rampart . " Rampart this is squad 36 . We have a Code I . Smoke inhalation , respiratory arrest , difficulty ventilating . Cyanotic . Request esophageal airway . " Sam was preparing the tube as he spoke to the hospital and was ready to insert the air way just as Rampart gave the go ahead . " Don 't you die on me Johnny Gage , " Sam said , " Now breathe damn it . " Sam inserted the airway , connected the oxygen to it and Johnny was finally breathing better . Alex , Chet , Roy and the other hiker came up and stood next to the squad . Roy watched with worry . Mike came over to captain Stanley . Alex sat Harry on the running board of the squad and splinted his ankle to get him ready for transport . " Cap , the fire is coming back this way , " Mike said . " Thanks stoker , " Captain Stanley said . " Chet , grab the stokes . Let 's get Johnny on the engine . Martinez , can you get your victims to Rampart in the squad ? " Chet brought the stokes over to Sam and they carefully lifted Johnny into it . Roy , Stanley Chet and Sam lifted Johnny onto the back of the engine . Roy and Sam followed Johnny up . Marco rolled the reel line back onto the engine and Captain Stanley handed Roy the drug box , defibrillator and the bio phone . Anticipating an IV to come and knowing she couldn 't start it on a moving engine , Sam went ahead to start an IV on Johnny . Mike began to back the engine down the fire road and headed to Rampart . Chet assisted in ventilating Johnny and Sam listened to his breath sounds . She nodded to Roy . " Rampart , this is squad 36 , " Roy said . " Vital signs are , pulse 120 , BP 130 / 90 , breathing is assisted . He has first and second degree burns on his face and neck . We are applying sterile dressings . " Sam applied the sterile dressings to Johnny 's face and neck . She looked worriedly up at Roy who was watching her . Sam checked Johnny 's eyes and listened again to his breath sounds . " I 'm picking up striders , " Sam told Roy . Engine 51 pulled into Rampart 's parking lot . Chet , Marco , Roy and Captain Stanley got Johnny off the engine and carried him inside followed by Sam carrying her equipment . Dixie Saw them coming in and directed them to treatment 2 . Roy held Johnny 's neck and shoulders as they moved him out of the stokes and onto the exam table . Sam hung the IV , Dixie hooked Johnny up to the ventilator , then started checking vital signs . Dr . Brackett came in and began checking Johnny . He listened to his lungs and looked under the dressings at the burns on his face and neck . Sam stood back and watched . " Pulse 100 , BP 115 / 90 , " Dixie said . Carol called up for X - ray , then she started drawing blood . Dixie walked over to Roy . She could see the first degree burns on his dirty face . " Come on Roy , " Dixie said . " Let 's get those burns taken care of . " Dixie led Roy out of the room and left Sam standing there watching as they worked on Johnny . Tears were running down her face leaving streaks through the grime . Alex came into the room . He saw Sam watching all that was going on with Johnny . " How 's he doing ? " Alex asked . Sam didn 't want to leave but knew he was right . Alex grabbed the bio phone and defibrillator . She followed him out the door , carrying the drug box and oxygen . Station 51 's crew watched her run past them and out to the squad . A moment later Johnny was wheeled past them , heading up to ICU . Sam put the equipment away then punched the equipment door before getting in . Alex knew better than to say anything to Sam . He knew that nothing he said would help . It was a very silent ride back to the fire zone . Alex and Sam worked side by side the rest of the day and into the night . As the sun started to come up the next day , a storm front that they had been hoping for had moved into the area covering the fire with a downpour of rain and cooler temperatures . Sam looked up as the rain washed over her dirty face . She took a deep breath knowing that this was exactly what they needed to get the fire under control . By 6am on the third morning , with the rains help , the fire was now more than 90 % contained . Station 36 was finally sent back to the barn . The guys went to shower , change clothes and were looking forward to a warm meal to come . While the rest of the crew did that , Sam stood in the kitchen sipping coffee for a short time as she waited for the next shift to arrive . When they got there , Sam didn 't even stop to shower or change clothes . She climbed into her car and drove directly over to Rampart . She went straight to ICU , where she knew Johnny would be . The ICU nurse stopped her as she came in . " Where is Johnny Gage 's room ? " Sam asked . Sam went to Johnny 's room and sat by his bedside . She took his hand but got no response . Johnny was still on the ventilator . His face was red and shiny with burn cream and blisters . The sounds of the ventilator and the heart rate monitors were almost comforting . It meant he was still alive . She had had an exhausting 48 hours of straight duty on the fire line . Before she knew it , Sam had fallen into a deep slumber with her head on the side of Johnny 's bed , still clutching his hand . Johnny was about ten years old . He was in his room putting away his clothes . The moccasins his mother made for him when he was born sat in a place of honor on top of his dresser . Johnny carefully made his bed and lovingly pulled the quilt his mother made for him up . He laid the pillows in their place and gently smoothed out the quilt . The house smelled of bacon eggs , toast , and coffee ; Johnny 's fathers favorite Saturday breakfast . As Johnny came out of his room he could hear his mother singing . As he came closer to the kitchen he heard the quiet giggles of his parents . Johnny snuck a peek around the corner and watched his parents sing together and dance in the small square kitchen and around the table . The room was sparse . Just a simple dining set with a small table and four dining chairs . A red and white checkered table cloth covered the table . His father started to sing too , but didn 't have the beautiful voice that his mother did . Johnny smiled as he watched the two of them together . His father had his hands wrapped tightly around his mothers thin waist and she had her arms around his neck . She was wearing a beautiful white dress with simple salmon colored beading . Her long straight black hair hung loosely down to her waist . His father was tall , thin and strong . He was wearing jeans and a red flannel shirt with the arms of the shirt rolled up to the elbow . He was wearing his boots and the rodeo belt buckle he won at the local rodeo just a couple months ago . Johnny 's father had short black hair and smiled with the same crooked smile that he shared with his son . Both of Johnny 's parents were smiling and looked so happy . Momma looked over and spotted Johnny watching them . " There you are my little one , " she said . " Come on over here and let 's get some breakfast into you . It 's going to be a big day . " Johnny walked over to his mother . She mussed his scruffy black hair and kissed him on the forehead as he looked up to her . She poured Johnny a big glass of milk and he began to eat the food on his plate . Johnny 's parents both sat at the table with him and worked on their breakfast too . They talked as they ate . Johnny was riding in the back seat of the car as they drove down the road . Johnny 's parents were talking quietly to each other . Johnny was quietly playing with a small toy horse as they drove . All of a sudden Johnny 's father said " What the hell ! ! ! " The car swerved . Johnny slid across the backseat of the car and hit his head on the window . The car catapulted off the road and Johnny felt himself launched from the car . Johnny landed on his arm and felt the bone snap as he hit . Johnny continued to roll down the hill and finally came to a stop in the grass . He grabbed his wrist and started to cry . After a few moments , the pain started to ease and Johnny started to look around for his parents . There was no answer to his calls . Johnny looked around more . He saw the car at the bottom of the hill . It was on fire . He could hear some sirens in the distance . Johnny stood up and looked around more . He spotted his mothers white dress in the grass . Johnny crawled over to where his mother was laying . Her head was bleeding and her breathing was ragged . She looked up as Johnny came to her . She smiled at him . " Johnny , don 't be afraid . Everything is going to be all right . I love you my little one , " she said . " I will always love you . No matter what , remember . Mommy and Daddy love you . " She reached up and wiped the tears from his face with her thumb and held his face in her hand . Johnny cried even harder . Even at his young age , he seemed to know that her time with him was coming to an end . She lovingly smiled at him . Then the smile faded . Her hand slipped from his face . She closed her eyes as she took her last breaths . Johnny could hear the fire truck and men come up behind him and the water began to spray over the car to control the beginning of the brush fire . The water blew back at Johnny wetting his face and body . The spray of the cool water mixed with his hot tears . Sam and Johnny were at the base of a large fir tree . Johnny sat with his back against the tree and Sam was laying with her head on his lap . Snow was falling all around . It was very cold . " There was a point that I used to like snow , " Sam said . " I don 't like it as much as I used to . " Johnny checked Sam 's pulse . It was fast but getting weaker . He could hear the sirens in the distance and knew that help was on the way . " Sam , " Johnny said . " Do you hear the siren Sam ? Help is on the way . They are coming . " Sam woke to an alarm going off at Johnny 's bed . The nurse came in and shut off the ventilator alarm . Sam just watched her . The nurse looked at Sam . " He 's been stable since he was brought in , " she answered . " This alarm is a good sign . He 's been setting it off pretty regularly . I expect they will be removing the vent soon . " Sam rubbed her eyes and stiff neck . She looked at her watch to see that is was almost noon . The nurse brought a food tray over and set it next to Sam along with some scrubs . " Ms . McCall brought this in for you , " the nurse said . " She said , and I quote . . . Take a shower and get out of those filthy clothes . You stink . Then eat this food and don 't argue . " The nurse handed Sam the scrubs , " There is a doctors lounge in the hall just around the corner that has a shower . " Sam had to agree , she was a mess . Following instructions , she went to the doctors lounge , took a quick shower . The warm water felt good but she didn 't take the time to enjoy it . Sam rushed through the shower , then Sam dressed in the clean scrubs . When she returned to Johnny 's room , she ate the sandwich Dixie had sent for her . Sam looked out the window of Johnny 's room . Outside , the rain was still coming down hard . Every once in a while the sky rumbled from thunder . Sam stood at the window and looked out at the dark skies and rain pounding on the window pane . Sam and . Johnny were sitting quietly on the sea wall at the beach . The sun was crossing overhead showing the change to afternoon . Sam looked over at Johnny . " Where I grew up ! half the people there were yup ' ic , " she said . " I never really cared . I always believed that the measure of a man was the size of his heart . Johnny , you are a great man with a big heart . I have nothing but pity for those in your life who have been too blind to see that . " The vent alarm no longer went off . It had been going off so often that the nurse silenced the alarm . Sam sat back down in the chair next to Johnny 's bed and took his hand again . " It 's such a gloomy day , " Sam said . " At least with all this rain , the fire is contained . Everyone is back home now . Everyone but you Johnny . " Dixie came walking into the room and looked at Sam sitting holding Johnny 's hand . " Well , you look much better . And smell much better , " Dixie said . " He 's taking more breaths on his own , " Sam said . " But still hasn 't regained consciousness . " Dixie came over to the bed , opposite of Sam and checked Johnny 's pulse . " Sam , you 've been here all day , " Dixie said . " Why don 't you head on home and get some rest . He 'll be ok without you for a while . " " I 'm fine Dixie , " Sam said . " I 've got nothing to go home to . Everything important to me is right here . " Dixie looked at Sam . She knew that nothing was going to drag the girl home . After all , Dixie felt the same way . If it wasn 't for work , Dixie would have spent the day here as well . Sam paused for a minute , then continued . " Hey Dix , How is Roy and the kids they pulled out ? " The day dragged slowly on . It was late in the evening . The room lights were dim and little lite shone through the window . Sam sat back in the chair with her feet stretched up to the edge of the bed , ankles crossed . She was dozing as she sat . Roy stepped into the room and stopped . He looked at Sam sitting there . He walked slowly toward her . Sam put her feet down and stood up . As Roy came closer and into the dim light , Sam could see his red face from the first degree burns he received in the fire . " Roy , are you ok ? " Sam said . " Come sit down . " " He 's pretty stable , " Sam said . " I just wish I could have gotten to you guys sooner . I don 't know how long Johnny was respiratory arrest . " " Roy , the rules still apply even to Johnny Gage , " Sam said . " 4 minutes is still 4 minutes . As strong and stubborn as he is , I just don 't know if I got oxygen to him in time . Dr . Brackett said that he hasn 't regained consciousness since he got here . I 'm afraid we may have lost him . " " Roy , when I left Alaska I never had any intention of getting close to anyone ever again , " Sam said . " Then Johnny came along . He smiled that goofy crooked smile of his . Now I . . . I never got to tell him . . . I feel like I missed my chance . " " No you 're not , " said Roy . " Now come on . Let 's at least get you something to eat . You 're not going to do him any good if you get sick . " Dr . Brackett was doing his rounds and came into the room to check on Johnny . He listened to his chest and was pleased that he was doing so much better . Johnny was now breathing on his own . It was a good time to remove the ventilator . It was so dark . Johnny knew that the room had gotten really quiet . His throat hurt . His chest hurt . Even his hair hurt . He was so tired but felt like something was missing and he needed to find what it was . He could see a bright light then he heard a voice calling to him . Sam and Roy came back to ICU . As they came to Johnny 's room they were both alarmed by all the activity and by Dr . Brackett being in the room . The nurse was walking the ventilator out . Sam became very pale as she slowly walked to the door . Roy could feel the energy drain from her body at that moment . He had a grip on her elbow as she walked forward , afraid that she would either faint or vomit . Dr . Brackett , turned to look at Sam and Roy as they came into the room . Sam 's eyes were focused on the bed . As Brackett turned , Sam could see Johnny . He was sitting in bed , a nasal cannula was now under his nose . When Johnny saw Roy and Sam he smiled at them and they returned the smile . Sam and Roy made a big sigh of relief . Dr . Brackett continued . " If he keeps doing so well , we 'll move him out of ICU tomorrow . Maybe home by the end of the week . " Dr . Brackett left the room . Sam moved back to the chair next to the bed . She took Johnny 's hand and looked right into his eyes . " How you doing partner ? " Roy asked . " I thought I was going to lose you , " Sam said . She started to cry . Johnny put his hand on her head to comfort her . " Don 't worry . You won 't lose me that easy , " he hoarsely said . " Johnny , you sweet talker , " Sam said . Roy smiled at the two of them together . He knew they were two of a kind . " I think I need to leave you two alone , " Roy said . " I 'll see you later . " A few days later Sam was walking Johnny to his apartment . Johnny was moving slowly . He still had a lingering cough and his face was really red and peeling from the burns . He was glad that Dr . Brackett didn 't anticipate any scarring . Sam walked Johnny into the darkened apartment and set his clothes and get well cards down on the coffee table in the room . Johnny sat down on the couch in his living room , already exhausted from just walking from the car . Suddenly the radio came on . ' Let it snow , ' was playing . Then the room lit up from the glow of a small Christmas tree . Johnny looked at the glow of the tree like a little boy . There were a few presents placed under the tree by friends . The Characters of Emergency do not belong to me . They are the property of Universal Studios and Mark VII Limited . No copyright infringement is intended or monetary gain made . While the characters belong to Universal Studios and Mark VII limited . . . The story 's are the property of the authors . |
" This looks like Earth , " Donna said as they stepped out of the TARDIS onto a grassy meadow above a sandy beach and a calm looking bay . " Could be South Wales . We went to South Wales when I was a kid . Caravan holiday on the Gower Peninsula . This looks a lot like it . " " It 's not , " The Doctor assured her . " Not Earth , not South Wales . Definitely no caravans . " He gently turned her around from the view over the bay and pointed to the huge moon that was visible even in the day sky , it was at least ten times bigger than Earth 's moon - or closer . " Bigger , " The Doctor said . " Actually it 's a twin planet . The roll about in orbit around each other as they go around their sun . " " It 's pretty , " Donna conceded . " So where it is , and how come it does feel so much like Earth ? " " It 's called Gantuss III , which tells you , of course , that it is the third planet from the sun , just like Earth . Similar size and atmosphere , temperature . In fact , in five billion years this will actually be called New Earth . There 'll be a city on an artificial island over there called New New York . " " Actually , it will be the 15th New York since the original , so technically it should be New New New … " He stepped . That joke clearly wasn 't going to work with Donna . It wasn 't exactly his best material to begin with . " Anyway , it 's too commercialised and busy by then . It 's rather nice as it is now . Come on , we 're going this way , to the settlement . " He led her up the rise from the meadow . At the top they looked down at what he had called a ' settlement ' . He could have said village , hamlet , conglomeration , community , colony , or a dozen other words that described the collection of buildings below . The one Donna thought of was not high on his list . " Come again ? " The Doctor looked at her curiously and searched his memory for the cultural reference he was missing . " Little House on the Prairie . Television programme , in the 1970s . But I suppose you weren 't around planet Earth much then . " " On the contrary , " he replied . " I spent a lot of time on planet Earth in the 1970s . BC and AD . But I didn 't have a lot of time for watching television . I was too busy saving you all from annihilation . " " Fair enough . But that place down there looks just like the village - you know , log built buildings , those false fronts on the shops . And it 's set down in the middle of nowhere … just like they were in the programme , out on the American prairie in the Wild West . " The Doctor grinned . " Actually , Donna , you 're completely spot on . That 's just what this is . I doubt if the settlement is called Walnut Grove . But Gantuss III is the wide open prairie for the Felinites . They 've come here from other worlds , over - populated planets , to make a new life . Once here , they gave up most of the technology that got them here . Went back to a simple life , building their homes and businesses from the sweat of their brows , living off the land . It 's exactly what you 're thinking . Except , you 're going to be a bit surprised when you meet the settlers . " He started off down the hill . Donna followed him , curious and a bit excited as she always felt when he brought her somewhere new . He seemed happy , anyway . So there was probably nothing dangerous in the immediate future . Up close the prairie town looked even more like the one she was thinking of from nostalgia television . The stores , the saloon , the school , hotel , were all arrayed along one main street that was nothing but dusty , bare ground , hard packed by the horses and carts that served as transport . There were horses tied up outside the saloon and at a building that said ' Stables ' on its false front , and carts parked up here and there . There was a wooden ' sidewalk ' built onto the front of the buildings themselves , a good foot above the ground , providing a safe , mud free place to walk when it was raining . In every respect , it seemed to resemble a pioneering town from the American West as seen on Saturday afternoon films or the aforementioned Little House on the Prairie . Except for the people who were going about their business on those sidewalks . " But … they 're … . Doctor … they 're … . " " Don 't stare . Don 't point . It 's rude . And close your mouth . You look like a goldfish . Try to remember that we 're the aliens here . We look strange to them , and yet they 're not pointing and staring at us at all . " " Ah , " The Doctor said as he looked up at the name over one of the store fronts . " ' McDevitt 's Milk Bar ' . This is the very place . " He marched in through the door . Donna followed him and looked around at a cool , clean room with well scrubbed floors , wall and ceiling . The walls had colourful pictures of rolling hills and meadows by streams . There was a long counter down the middle where stools were set . Behind it were metal churns which obviously contained milk . They had condensation on them as if the contents were ice cold . A half a dozen patrons were sitting on the stools drinking glasses of milk through long straws . That is to say , they stood upright like humans , and had arms and legs . But they had cats paws at the end of their arms and cat faces , complete with whiskers , and each of them had a tail that curled around behind them as they sat . There was a soft sound in the room which Donna realised was six happy cats purring as they drank . " Two large glasses of your best gold top , " The Doctor said to the dark - faced cat in a clean apron behind the counter . He looked around and then broke into a wide smile . Donna tried to remember if she had ever seen a cat smile before , and apart from the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland she couldn 't think of one . But this one did . " My whiskers ! " he exclaimed . " Doctor ! I never thought to see you again . I am delighted . " He turned to his other patrons . " This is The Doctor . He saved by life - and my wife and family - when our ship crashed on the way here to Gantus . " And that , Donna thought , was all the explanation she needed . That was why they were here , to visit somebody who The Doctor had once helped along the way . " Gordo McDevitt , " The Doctor said as he shook hands - well , hand and paw - with the milk bar proprietor . " Glad to see you looking so well . This is my friend Donna , by the way . " " Delighted , " Gordo said , reaching to shake with her as well . Donna noted that the paw was soft and if he had claws they were safely retracted . " Take a seat , both of you . Never mind gold top . The best double cream milk for my friends . " The Doctor sat down on a stool next to a ginger cat that smiled warmly at him . Donna did the same . She watched as Gordo poured ice cold milk into two glasses and added a double helping of thick cream on top . Donna tasted the milk . It was delicious . She had spent most of her life drinking semi - skimmed because it had less calories and less cholesterol - and less taste . This was beautiful . She sucked it slowly through her straw , trying not to make slurping noses . The Doctor , managed to make every kind of embarrassing noise it was possible to make with a straw . " Delicious , " he said when he was finished , wiping his mouth with a paper napkin from the dispenser . " So , anyway , Gordo , how are the family ? " " They are as well as can be expected , " he answered . " We 've had a second litter since you left saw us . Petra has her hands full back at the homestead . But I 'm making good money with the milk bar . We 've all been perfectly happy . At least until … " There was a disturbance outside in the street . Everyone distinctly heard a gunshot and a scream . Then the sound of a horse galloping away quickly . The Doctor moved from his seat at the counter to the door in one swift move . He was in time to see the rider go by , firing his gun into the air to warn off anyone who might get in his way . The Doctor rushed outside . There was a cat lying in the street , bleeding . " All right , " he said as he bent and examined the victim . " I 'm just going to take a look at you . " He drew back a blood soaked shirt and saw a worrying stomach wound . He glanced up at the crowd of worried onlookers . " Is there a doctor in town ? " " That is The Doctor , " said the ginger cat who had been sitting next to him in the milk bar . " He 's Doctor Phelim O ' Rourke . " " He tried to stop Banto McShane from raiding his pharmacy , " added a cat with white flour dust over his apron . " I see , " The Doctor answered . " Where 's his surgery , then ? This is a bad wound . But I can save him if I work quickly . " The crowd parted and pointed to a small shop with ' surgery ' painted on the window . The Doctor enlisted the help of two other cats to carry O ' Rouke inside . He was relieved to find that , despite the retro lifestyle of the townsfolk , the pharmacy was fully stocked with modern medicines and O ' Rourke had everything necessary to perform emergency surgery . " Can I help ? " Donna asked . The Doctor looked up in surprise . He didn 't know she had followed him . " I need a nurse , " he said . " No time for full scrubs . His blood pressure is worryingly low . Got to work fast . Put n a face mask , anyway . And do as I ask . " He was already washing his hands in disinfectant soap and he donned a mask and gloves himself before he began the operation to remove the bullet from the injured cat . It was simple , yet it required careful , steady hands and a keen eye . Fortunately he had both . Donna passed instruments to him and helped swab the wound . Finally she held the suture thread while he closed the wound and then bandaged the patient . " I think he 'll be ok , " The Doctor said at last . " We 'll get him comfortable and tidy up , and then I want to know exactly what 's going on around here . Gordo seemed about to mention something when the gunfight broke out . " " Half an hour , " Donna said . " That 's how long we had , drinking milk in peace and quiet , then all hell broke loose . Is it you ? Do you sort of attract trouble ? " " Yeah , and you won 't be leaving it , will you ? " " Gordo is a friend . He has a wife and two litters of kittens to support . He put everything he had into a new life for them all out here in ' Walnut Grove ' . So did all the other people who 've tried to make a living for themselves . And something or somebody is threatening that living . I want to know why . And I want to put it right . " " Course you do . But … don 't they have as sheriff ? " The Doctor finished clearing up and washed his hands . " Lets go find out . " He turned and stepped back out of the surgery . He wasn 't entirely surprised to find a crowd gathered , anxious to hear the news . Gordo and his customers were all there . So were most of the other townspeople . There was a young female cat with pure white fur who looked more distressed than any of the others . " Is Phelim … " she began . " Is he … going to be all right ? " " He 's comfortable , " The Doctor replied . " Are you a friend ? " " I 'm … " The Doctor half smiled to see a white - faced cat blush under her fur . " You 're just what he needs . Go on in and sit by him . He should sleep for a few hours . When he wakes , a bowl of cream and some tender loving care … I 'll look in on him later . " Phelim O ' Rourke 's sweetheart hurried inside to be with him . The Doctor looked around at the rest of the people . " I take it there isn 't a town sheriff ? " he asked . There were solemn headshakes and unhappy sighs . " He was killed three weeks ago , " Gordo McDevitt told him . " We don 't know exactly who did it . But he was the first . There have been … others … " There were murmurs . A few people seemed nervous about telling their story to a stranger - and especially one who looked so very different to them . Gordo insisted that The Doctor could be trusted , and that he could help them all . He seemed to have enough respect from his neighbours to swing the argument . " Murphy 's Saloon , " said a tabby cat . But that was not an idea that went down with many of the men or any of the women . The Doctor got the strong impression that temperance was a strongly held way of life in this township . Pure , unadulterated milk such as Gordo sold was the preferred drink . The malted and distilled brews at Murphy 's were something of a taboo . " I 'll open the schoolroom , " said a grey - furred cat in a dark blue suit . " There 's room for everyone , and much more suitable . " " I 'm MacDonagh , " the schoolmaster responded , seeming ever so slightly maligned . " That 's MacDuff , the provisions merchant . " " My mistake , " The Doctor answered him diplomatically . " Lead on , MacDonagh . " Everyone followed the schoolmaster to the clean looking building with a big double door and a bell hanging above it . Inside was a single room with smooth , board walls and a well caulked roof above . There were maps and suitably educational pictures on the walls and a smell of chalk and books . Everyone sat at the desks , including the schoolmaster . The Doctor stood by the teacher 's table . He idly picked up a large paperweight shaped like a cream vat and played with it in his hands as he looked at the hopeful faces that looked back at him . They all seemed to trust him , anyway . He knew they had little reason to do so apart from Gordo 's insistence that he ' was their man ' in the crisis they had on their paws and the fact that he had saved the life of their physician . He hoped he could live up to their expectations . He usually did . Coming up with solutions in the nick of time and saving the day was his speciality . But there was always a possibility , one of these days , that he might bite off more than he could chew . There was something about a room full of wide eyed and hopeful cat faces looking at him that made him really want this not to be that day ! " All right , " he said . " Can somebody tell me how this began ? " MacDonagh the schoolmaster stood up nervously and began to explains to The Doctor about the problem that had begun about two months ago . There was a bout of cattle rustling . The problem had been serious enough for a group of farmers to go in search of their missing animals . They had ridden up into the hills beyond the plain and had found nothing but bones stripped of every edible piece of flesh or organs and even the bones gnawed to the marrow . " That doesn 't sound like rustling to me , " The Doctor pointed out . " More like some kind of wild animal . Except … I don 't want to meet the animal that can steal a whole cow from the herd , drive it miles away and them strip it to the bones . And pack animals when they kill tend to eat on the spot , very quickly . They usually leave meat and organs behind because they have to move on before they 're discovered . But these animals had been taken away ? " " Right up into the hills , " MacDonagh confirmed . So did several other men . " That 's strange behaviour for an animal . And yet … . " He studied the faces of the people before him . He had a feeling they weren 't yet telling him everything . They still looked innocent and hopeful . But there was also a suggestion of nervousness , as if they didn 't quite want a shocking story to come out . Every pair of eyes in the room dropped away , unable to meet his . " Please , " he said again , very quietly . " I can 't help you unless you tell me the whole truth . " " Sir … " MacDuff the provisioner spoke up . " It 's difficult for us . Humans … like yourself … have prejudices … against our sort . And … if you knew the cause of our trouble … you 've been kind , sir . We 're indebted to you . But … " " For a start , " The Doctor said . " I 'm only half Human . On my mother 's side . And I don 't do prejudice . At least not unless it 's well deserved . So … come on . I promise I won 't judge anyone unfairly . " " It was the blood fury , " said one of the crowd very quietly , almost as if he didn 't want The Doctor to know who had spoken . " The blood fury ? " He turned the words over in his head . " So … who wants to explain what it means ? " " We 're cats , " said MacDonagh unhappily . " Our ancestors … we come from a species that were savage pack animals , hunters , cruel , voracious … " Yes , The Doctor thought . That was certainly true . Cats were hunters , killers . Even a domestic moggy with a sweet , innocence face , curled up on the windowsill in the sun , purring contentedly could bring a savage death to rodents and small birds . The larger animals that the Felinites were descended from would have been lions , tigers , panthers , the top of the food chain in jungles and plains on distant planets . Creatures that brought down their prey with cruel claws and could sever a jugular with their teeth . " Well , as you surely know , Doctor , Felinites are usually vegetarians , " the schoolmaster continued . " Sometimes we have fish , eggs , but mostly we keep cattle for their milk , we make cheese , butter , grow barley and wheat and make bread . We don 't eat red meat at all . But … sometimes … rarely … it must be said … sometimes there are individuals who go feral … they kill , devour meat . " " And you think you have one of those near here ? " " I think I understand , " The Doctor said . " All right … let me think about this for a while . It seems like a situation where a good solid plan is needed . Maybe … best thing is for everyone to get to their homes before nightfall and stay there . Take care of your families . Gordo … may Donna and I impose upon you this night ? " " Excellent . " He smiled reassuringly at the townsfolk as they went their separate ways to close their shops and get away to their homesteads where their families were waiting . He wished somebody could reassure him . He checked up at the surgery on the way back . He was reassured to see that Phelim O ' Rourke was awake and , though in some pain , looking as if he was on the mend . His best medicine was obviously the attentions of the white cat , by name of Sienna Cassidy , who was constantly at his side . There was a young male with her , as well . He introduced himself as Milo Cassidy , her brother . " Oh , yes . I 'd forgotten about him , " The Doctor said . " He was raiding the pharmacy . What did he take ? " Milo showed him the stock . The Doctor carefully examined the bottles and phials to see what was missing . " The McShanes have always been a wild lot , " Sienna told him . " They have a homestead out on the east slough , just before the hills start . Rough land , rough family . I think they 're descended from alley cats . No manners , no dignity , always in any fight that broke out in Murphy 's . But … they never shot anyone before . None of us expected that . " The Doctor took in what she was saying and still wondered how the McShanes fitted into the picture . He wondered , too , why Banto McShane had stolen the entire supply of parvovirus vaccination . " There 's no black market for that drug , " Milo assured him . " And if anyone was sick at their place , it wouldn 't help . I don 't get it . " " Neither do I at the moment , " The Doctor admitted . " You carry on doing what you 're doing . Look after your sister and Phelim . I 'll come and see you again tomorrow . If there 's any reason to worry , though , I 'll be at Gordo McDevitt 's place . Send a messenger . " Donna had walked on with Gordo while he made that necessary stop . She was waiting with Gordo at the now closed up milk bar . He had a small brown and white pony hitched up to a cart . They sat up on it for the half mile journey to the McDevitt homestead , the farm where he kept a herd of milk cows and a dairy where his wife made the butter and cheese that were their staple foods as well as their additional source of income . The farmhouse was a warm , clean , but noisy place . Gordo 's eldest kittens , in their teens , all ran to greet him as he came in . They looked curiously at the two strangers with him . His youngest litter of three four month old kittens mewed in their basket . Donna immediately picked one of them up . It was a black and white kitten about the size of a Human baby of that age , but with paws and face and a tail that peeked through an extra hole in the romper suit . The Doctor grinned and left her to it as Gordo called to his wife in the separate kitchen and she came to greet The Doctor wholeheartedly with a warm , furry hug . " Supper is almost ready , " she said to them all . " Sit up at the table . Children , wash your paws and make less noise . Anyone would think it 's the first time we ever had guests . " The meal was a good one . It was a hot bean soup and as much home made barley bread and butter as anyone could eat . That was followed by a huge slab of cheese with softer wheat bread and then a milky coffee for the adults and plain milk for the children . They brought their drinks to the easy chairs by the fireplace , and Donna smiled to see The Doctor sitting there with one of the kittens on his knee , sucking at his thumb full of cream from a bowl by his side . The talk , as they sat , was far from cosy and domestic , though . " I went abo " When the Fury comes upon them , there 's precious little difference , " Petra told him . " You don 't understand , Doctor . You 've not seen it . I remember it happening once , before we moved here . In the nearby town - the Fury started with one or two , and before long those who weren 't murdered by them were infected , too . They all had to be put down . There was no hope . They weren 't Felinite any more . They really were just animal . " " There has to be another way , " The Doctor insisted . " There must be . But … tell me … where do the McShane 's fit into this ? I don 't quite understand … " Gordo began to answer . Then a sound drove all other thoughts from his mind . It was his milk cows in their night pasture mooing in a panic . He jumped up and reached for the shotgun over the door . He was gone before The Doctor had time to pass the kitten he was holding to its mother . He reached the pasture in time to see Gordo raise his shotgun and fire twice . Something prowling near the fence fell down and was still . The Doctor ran to the body . It was an adult male cat , in rough outdoor clothes . And it was dead . Gordo 's aim had been true . But there was something else that worried him . " Have you got a barn or something ? " he asked . " I want to look at this body closer , and I certainly don 't want to bring it into the house with your children about . " Gordo pointed to the dark bulk of a building separate from the house . The Doctor picked up the body and headed for it . Gordo lit oil lamps inside the big , clean barn with a corner sectioned off for the pony and the rest waiting to store this year 's hay after the harvest . The Doctor put the body down on the floor and examined it carefully . " It 's Banto McShane , " Gordo said when he brought a lamp closer . " The same one who robbed the pharmacy and shot Phelim O ' Rourke . I 've saved the hangman some rope , at least . But … " He looked at the dead cat 's face and shivered . " He 's … he has the Fury … " " It would seem so , " The Doctor answered as he looked at the elongated teeth and the long claws that could rip and tear at flesh and the look of murderous rage on the face . The eyes were open and they were not only bloodshot , but the irises were red . " When I saw him by the pasture … he looked even worse . He was almost an animal . " The Doctor closed the red eyes and covered the body with some haysacks before he stood up . " When you say ' almost ' an animal … " " The ones in the pack … they 're much worse than this . There 's nothing civilised left . Banto … still looks Felinite at a glance . But the really wild ones … " " Then that 's the core of it . The pack are fully infected . The McShanes , their homestead is furthest from the town , closest to the hills . They 've come into contact with the pack and been infected . But it hadn 't taken them completely . The medicines he stole … they might just hold it off for a while . But they 're meant for a completely different disease . They 're not the cure . How many McShanes are there , by the way ? " " Four brothers and a sister , " Gordo answered . " I think I 'd like to talk to them . But not in the dark . And I really need my TARDIS to do some further tests on the body . He thought about where he had left the TARDIS , in the meadow above the beach . It was a good couple of miles away , and in the dark . " I think the danger is over for now , " The Doctor said . " But lock this barn up tight and get on into your house with your family . Stay put no matter what happens . If you lose a cow tonight - it 's better than losing you . " He made sure his friend was safe inside the house before he set off . Within a few metres of the homestead it was pitch dark . Only the stars cast any light on the lonely prairie . They were just enough light for his Gallifreyan eyes to process and allow him to see . but just to be certain he took his sonic screwdriver from his pocket and turned it to penlight mode . It was comforting to have that penetrating blue lighting up the path ahead of him . He had gone maybe a quarter of a mile with his long - legged pace when he started to think there was something following him . He stopped and listened . Yes , there were footsteps . And somebody breathing hard . He grasped the sonic screwdriver like a weapon and turned quickly . She let him take her hand as they walked on . He told her what had happened in the cow pasture . " Wish you 'd stayed in the house , now ? " he asked her . " No , " she answered . " Well … yes … maybe . But I 'm here now . " She walked on in silence for a little while , but there were so many things on her mind . They had to spill out . " Gordo and Petra … they 're so nice . And the kids … kittens … are adorable . It 's funny … after a little while , I didn 't think of them as cats . I just thought they were really nice people . Nice ordinary people . Does that always happen ? Do you find yourself looking past strange alien faces and just seeing people ? " " I never see anything else , " The Doctor replied . " It 's not what people look like - whether they have cat faces or dog faces or horns , hide , scales , feathers . Mostly people just want to raise their families , whatever way works best for them . People are people , all over the universe . If you get that … then you 've got the meaning of it all . " " What ? You thought it was complicated ? You thought it was something only clever philosophers and the like would understand ? No . that 's the real secret … . That there is no secret . It 's just ordinary folk living their lives . The tricky bit is making sure they can , putting a stop to those who would make it hard for them . That 's my job , in a nutshell . Smoothing the road ahead for them . " " Doesn 't anyone smooth it for you ? " " Yes , " he answered . " The friends I meet along the way . " He smiled and gripped her hand a little tighter . Then his smile faded and he gripped her for a different reason . There was a sound close by . Too close for comfort . Something between a snarl and a growl verging on a roar . He changed his grip on the sonic screwdriver and selected a mode that would work as a non - lethal weapon - a powerful static electrical burst rather like a taser that could render most organic beings unconscious . It wasn 't very nice . He disliked causing hurt . But it was preferable to the laser welding tool . He turned towards the sound and was ready as the creature pounced . The sonic screwdriver taser caught it in the chest and it fell to the ground with a bone crunching thump . The Doctor suppressed a cry of pain from the claw that gouged into his neck a moment before and turned to look at the body with the sonic screwdriver again in penlight mode . " Look at this , " he said to Donna . " This one … it really was completely reverted , just like Petra said . The penlight shone on the face of a wild animal in humanoid form . The hair was straggly and unkempt and the whiskers ragged . The fangs were long and yellow and protruded from the mouth like a sabre tooth tiger . The Doctor opened the eyes and saw that the ' whites ' were yellow and bloodshot while the irises were distinctly red . The creature had long , matted fur with only a few old rags tied about the waist . It had forgotten the purpose of clothing . " What are you going to do with it ? " Donna asked as she saw The Doctor bend and pick it up in a fireman 's lift over his back . " I 'm bringing it with me . It 's a live specimen . I need to autopsy the one Gordo shot . But I could find out more from a living body . Especially an advanced one . And … " He felt a tinge of guilt . Savage it was , it was also a living being , once sentient . It was more than a ' specimen ' . If he didn 't remember that , nobody else would . " Also , I may be able to help it … . him . If I can find out what caused this . It might not be too late . " " You 'd better hope it doesn 't wake up before we reach the TARDIS , then , " she told him . " Good point . Walk as fast as you can . " As fast as Donna could walk was still slower than him , even encumbered with the heavy creature . But leaving her behind was unthinkable . They were both heartily glad when then reached the TARDIS at Donna 's best speed . " I 'm going to put chummy here in the medical room under sedation then I 'll bring us back to the McDevitt farm . Why don 't you … " " I 'll go put the kettle on , " Donna said . " You look like you could use a cuppa . " When he returned to the console room she had done just that . He took a few minutes to drink the tea before the short hop back to Gordo 's barn . He brought the body of Banto McShane into the medical room . Donna came with him . He looked at her cautiously . " Are you sure you want to be involved with this . I 've got to run blood tests and tissue samples on these two . It 's not the most pleasant of duties . You could be warm and cosy in the house . " " I 'll help you , Doctor , " she answered . " You can get it done faster with an extra pair of hands , can 't you ? " He appreciated her solidarity . She had pitched in with so many things that were not in the job description of a secretary . And she worked hours that would have a union rep jumping up and down in agitation . But she never complained . It wasn 't even especially exciting work holding phials while he took blood and tissue from the two creatures , passing him slides to prepare for examination under the microscope . " Long time ago , " he said . " There was a very nice lady called Jo who did these sort of jobs for me . She was so anxious to please me that half the time she would drop the lot out of nervousness and I 'd have to start again while she stood there apologising . But all the same I couldn 't have done half the things I did without her . " " What happened to her . " " She … fell in love with a man who also needed slides holding for him … She said he was like a Human version of me . They got married , had a bunch of kids , enjoyed a long , happy life together . Still doing that . " " The reason the universe turns , " Donna said . " Love and raising a family . I always thought I 'd have that sort of life . Never worked out . " She watched him bending over the microscope and making notes on a pad beside him without even looking up . She wasn 't even sure if he was listening , if her voice was distracting him from his work . But since he hadn 't told her not to , she kept talking anyway . " You … you 've had it both ways . You had the wife and family … and you 've got the adventure , too . You can be whatever you want to be . " " No , I can only ever be me , " he answered her , swapping the slides and still not looking up . " That 's all anyone can be . Anyway , if you really want that life , there 's still time . " " I can 't do that and be with you as well . " She answered . " I don 't want to have to choose like your friend did . How did you feel when she did that ? " " It broke my hearts , " he admitted . " When you go , I 'll be heartsbroken , too . I always am . But that 's all right . It 's how it 's meant to be . When you choose another life , you 'll have my blessing , Donna . And my appreciation of the best secretary I ever had . " " That 's the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me , " she told him . Even though she was busy , she reached to hug him . Her hand brushed his neck and she felt the congealing blood hidden beneath his collar . She felt him flinch and then she saw the deep claw mark . " You didn 't tell me you were hurt , " she said . " That looks really nasty . " He sat back in the chair and looked up at her . There was a look in his eyes that chilled her . " Don 't … don 't touch the wound , " he said . " It 's infected . I don 't want to pass it on to you . " " Infected ! You mean … what happened to them … you 've got it too ? " " I hoped my body could fight it . I thought it was … talking to you … about Jo , and about the future , it helped me to focus on … on being me . But it only held it off . It 's still in me . I 'm … " " I don 't know . I 'm not a Felinite . My DNA is a whole different ball game . But … it 's doing something to me . I can feel it . That 's why I 've got to carry on . I need to isolate the virus and halt it . I have to help myself before I can help them . But now I 've got a deadline . And I 'm not even sure when it is . Maybe an hour , two … And then … Donna … if I haven 't … if I tell you to … you 've got to get out … out of the medical room , out of the TARDIS , away from me . Promise you 'll do that . " She had the same faith in him that all the others had , all of his friends , down the years . They all believed he could do anything . And usually he could . Her faith , and the faith of all the others who had gone before her , kept him going as he tested combinations of chemicals in Petri dishes to see which would kill off the virus that caused the problem without destroying the blood it infected . He knew something would do it . And he knew he could find it . But could he do it in time ? Donna watched him as he worked . She did everything he asked her to do and tried not to let him see how worried she was for him . She tried not to look at his face . That was starting to show disturbing signs . He was pale and his skin waxen and glossy . His nostrils flared and his eyes looked wrong . He was starting to change . " Donna , " he said at last . " I think … I think I have it . It works in the test sample , anyway . I don 't have time to do anything else . " He turned and looked straight at her . She recoiled . His face was bone white and his lips were bloodless and thing . His teeth were protruding like fangs . " Donna … if this doesn 't work … this is it . I can feel myself changing . It 's too late . Just run for your life . Set the TARDIS on emergency quarantine . Somebody will come and get you . Take you home … but there 'll be no hope for me . I 'll have become like them … " He had a syringe in his hands . He had managed to fill it with the serum he had made . But when he tried to inject it into himself he couldn 't . His fingers were turning to claws . He didn 't have enough dexterity in his hands . Donna took the syringe from him and held his arm firmly . He looked at her as she pressed her thumb down on the plunger and injected the serum into him . His eyes were red , bloodshot , but somewhere beneath the madness she thought he was still there , somewhere . " You … should go … " he told her through gritted teeth . " Just in case . " " I 'll wait … for a few minutes more , " she answered . " I promise I will run if I have to . But let me decide when it 's time . " She stood back from him , just in case . He gripped the table in front of him and tried not to scream . When he did , it sounded too much like a growl instead of a scream . His eyes were full of fear that his tenuous grip on himself might be lost . Then … She blinked . He still looked pale and he was sweating , but his teeth were normal . His eyes were the deep brown colour they were supposed to be and they were windows onto his deep intelligence , his mercy and wisdom as they were supposed to be . " It worked . But my mouth feels like I 've been eating budgerigars . Tea … please … while I make more of the serum and try it on our friend . " She went to do as he said . When she returned , he was standing over the sedated creature , watching it carefully . He took the tea from her and drank it while he kept watching . Donna watched , too . She saw the changes that came upon the savage , animal - like creature . The hair straightened . The claws retracted into the velvet paws . The whole face began to look less savage , more gentle and cat - like . The eyes changed from the yellow - red madness to soft , natural cats eyes . When he thought it was safe to do so , The Doctor used the sonic screwdriver in a soothing mode to gently wake him . " It 's all right , " he said as the cat looked up at him in fear . " You 're safe now . Can you talk ? Do you have a name ? " " Ryan , " he answered . " Ryan Noonan . I 'm … where am I ? I don 't remember anything … after the ship crashed . " " You 're in the medical room of my ship , " The Doctor answered . " Is that what happened ? Did it begin in space … on a passenger ship ? " " There were twenty of us , " he said . " A work party . Going to Gantus III to help build new roads between the settlements . But there was a strange illness . It started with one … then it spread . The crew , as well … I don 't know what happened … I felt as if I was lost . " " You were , for a long while . But you 're all right now . You just need to rest . This is my friend , Donna . She 's going to bring you some milk . Then she 'll sit with you while I do something else I have to do . " " He 's ok , " The Doctor said to her . " He just needs a bit of TLC . I 'll leave that to you . There 's something else I have to do . And this time you have to do as I say and stay put . It could be very dangerous and he needs you to look after him . " He didn 't tell her . He just picked up the rest of the serum and a packet of disposable syringes and stepped out of the medical room . The TARDIS made another short hop , this time to the McShane homestead . It materialised in the yard by the house . There was a light at the window even though it was now the middle of the night . The Doctor approached the door cautiously . He lifted the latch and stepped inside . " Blessings be upon this house , " he said aloud . A female cat in a faded gingham dress turned and stared at him in shock then looked at the shotgun above the door . She would have had to get past him to reach it . " It 's all right , " he said in a calm , quiet voice . " I 'm here to … . " He looked past her at the two beds near the fire . " I 'm here to bring bad news . But I think I can help to ease your burden , too . " " What bad news ? " the McShane sister asked , though something in her eyes made him think she already knew . " Banto … your brother . He 's dead . He was killed trying to steal cattle from one of the farmers . I 'm sorry about that . But I saw his body and I know he was as good as dead anyway . At least I can help these other two . Will you let me ? " She stood aside . Her eyes were glassy . The sight of a cat crying was a pitiful thing . She did so quietly , as if trying to preserve the last little bit of dignity she had . The Doctor left her to it while he examined her two brothers . They weren 't as far gone as Banto had been , but they were showing signs of turning . Their teeth were elongated and their eyes red . He injected both of them , then he prepared a third syringe and told the sister to come and sit down while he gave her a preventative dose . " What 's your name ? " he asked . " Marta , " she answered . " I think … it should have been Martha , but my father wasn 't very good at spelling . These … Bobby and Benny . They 're from the same litter as me . My youngest brother … Billy … " She cried a little louder . The Doctor put a gentle hand on her shoulder . " He 's gone . He was the first to get ill . We tried to save him . That 's why Banto stole the medicine . You … you must know about that . He thought it might help . But Billy was already too far gone . He ran from us . There was a struggle . He scratched Banto … and then he started … . Oh , what will become of us all ? " " You 'll be all right , " The Doctor promised . " Look … " He pointed to the cat in the nearest bed . He was starting to look normal again . He stirred in his sleep and called out his sister 's name . " Give him some milk , " The Doctor suggested . But Marta looked at him in a sad way . He looked around and realised there wasn 't any milk , and precious little of anything else in the house . It was a far cry from the prosperous McDevitt home with plenty of good food to eat . The McShanes were obviously not doing well even before they were struck by the virus , " I 'll be back in two ticks , " he said . " Put the kettle on . I prefer my milk in a cup of tea , myself . " He went out to the TARDIS . He made his way , first , to the medical room , where he found Ryan looking a lot better now . He was sitting up and talking to Donna . That was a very good sign . " Come on , both of you , " he said . He glanced at the body of the eldest McShane brother . That was something else to be done later . " We 're going to get an early breakfast , or a later supper , whichever you want to call it . " He raided his own kitchen for all the milk , cheese , bread and butter he could find , the staples of Felinite society . He brought them with him back to the poor homestead . Donna and Ryan followed . He hoped he could offer the food without making it seem like charity . But Marta was too hungry to care . When she saw the good food he had brought she practically fainted with gratitude . She managed to remember her dignity and set to work preparing a meal for her brothers and herself and her guests . The two brothers managed to sit up in bed to eat and the food helped their recovery no end . The news of their brother 's death upset them , of course . The Doctor told them truthfully what had happened , though he left out the name of the farmer who had killed him . " It was an honest man defending his livelihood , " The Doctor explained . " If there is any talk of revenge or feuding I will be very cross . Make his death the last and make a new start and you 'll have my help and friendship . " He had their assent to that . Then he turned to the more immediate issues . " Your other brother … Marta believes he ran away to join the pack … the badly infected ones . Does anyone know where they are to be found ? Do they have a nest or something ? " " Can you help him ? " Bobby asked . " He 's little more than a kitten - seventeen . He was bitten by one of the savage ones and got sicker and sicker . He 's not to blame … " " I don 't think any of them are to blame . And if I can find them , I can help them all . That 's why I need to know … " " I can show you , " Benny McShane said . " I saw the place . It 's right at the foot of the hills . There 's some sort of wreckage there . A ship crashed a couple of months back . Before this began . They nest there . " " At first light then , " The Doctor said . " When you 've had a few more hours ' rest . " There was another duty , first . Just before dawn , The Doctor himself took a spade and dug a grave in the meadow beside the house . He buried Banto McShane while his brothers and sister watched solemnly and performed what passed for a funeral rite in their culture . " Donna , you and Marta stay here , " The Doctor insisted afterwards . " Yes , this is me being really chauvinistic . But it 's work for men in the old - fashioned John Wayne ' a man 's gotta do what a man 's gotta do way ' . So stay here and keep Marta company . " " All right , " she said . " On one condition . Don 't let me EVER hear such a terrible John Wayne impression again . It 's not you . " He laughed with her and hugged her gently before he turned and led the two McShane brothers and Ryan Noonan into the TARDIS . They were , after all , a posse , but they weren 't riding out on horseback and they weren 't going in guns blazing . He pulled up a schematic of the land on the console and Benny McShane managed to point out the area where he thought the nest was , and he set the TARDIS in hover mode to travel across country to the North - east and the beginning of the foothills that skirted the prairie . He was banking on this being the right time to find the nest full . If they had hunted all night and fed on stolen cattle then they should be sleeping it off now in the morning sunlight . He was right . As they drew closer the lifesigns monitor picked up as many as twenty - five living beings huddled together in one tight packed group . The TARDIS hovered above them and on the viewscreen he noted the remains of their last night 's meal . He noted also the remnants of the crashed ship and that some of the creatures were wearing rags that might once have been crew uniforms . One was in faded homespun cloth not unlike the clothes the two McShane brothers were wearing . He hazarded a guess and hoped they hadn 't seen him yet . Their brother was as savage as any of the others . He had regressed completely . But there was hope . Ryan Noonan was proof of that . He was one of the first infected who survived the crash . Billy McShane had only been ' turned ' for less than a day . " I expected that , " The Doctor said . " But it 's all right . Look , they 're all drawing in , closer to the TARDIS , trying to reach it . They 're … like kittens after a ball of string . " He reached for a switch on the console . " I really don 't like doing this . It will hurt them . But in the end it is for their own good . " At his command , the TARDIS became a giant taser , sending out static electrical current that rendered the wild cats unconscious . Soon they were all in a sad , pathetic heap . The Doctor landed the TARDIS beside them . He turned to his posse . " You know what to do . Be as quick as you can . Count them carefully . Put a ribbon on the arm of each one you 've treated then there can be no mistakes . " He gave out ribbons , and syringes of serum already made up , ready . The three Felinites accepted the responsibility dutifully . " Find your brother , by all means , " he told the McShanes . " Of course , he 's important to you . But I want you all to look out for the ' x - case ' . There must have been one who brought the infection to the ship . He would have been sick for longer . He might need more help . If you spot him , let me know . " They walked among the unconscious wild cats , injecting them with the serum and marking them as having received the treatment . Several times The Doctor returned to the TARDIS for more syringes . But while they waited for dawn he had prepared more than enough serum . The only problem was time . He didn 't know how long they might be unconscious for , or whether they might wake before the serum took effect . So far , so good . The Doctor watched as Billy McShane began to recover . He stood up and recognised his two brothers . Around him , others were slowly starting to change from savages to ordinary Felinites again . It was working . The nightmare was almost over for everyone . " Doctor ! Look out ! " Ryan Noonan called out the warning and The Doctor span around to see a still savage creature bearing down on him . He had a ribbon on his arm to show that he had been treated , but it hadn 't been enough . This , he realised , was his x - case . " Ryan , do you have any idea who he is ? " The Doctor asked as he carefully backed away . " No , everyone stay back . Let me … " " Dermott , " Ryan answered . " Donal Dermott . He was the foreman , in charge of us . He went down ill before anyone else . We thought it was parvovirus and isolated him . But it was obviously too late . " " Dermott , " The Doctor said quietly , calmly as he reached and managed to stick the last syringe he still had into the maddened creature 's arm . " Dermott , you 're in there still . I know you are . Behind those insane , savage eyes , there 's a man of reason . Come on back to us . Please . You 're not an animal . You 're a Felinite . You have dignity . You have intelligence . Come on , Dermott . Come on back to me . " Whether it was the second dose of serum or his words , The Doctor wasn 't sure , but he began to see the difference . The face of the snarling beast calmed and relaxed and the eyes began to have a light of intelligence in them . Donal Dermott stepped back from him , horrified at the fleeting memory of the violence he had been about to inflict . They were all fully conscious , now , of their surroundings . They looked around at the wrecked ship , at the gnawed bones and at each other . They would need some explanations . And they were going to be shocked to know the truth . There were other practicalities , too . First of all , twenty - five men who needed to be properly fed . Gordo and Petra were surprised to have so many guests arriving at their house . But the sun was up and it was possible for them all to sit in the meadow by the barn to drink cool milk and eat bread and cheese . While they did so , The Doctor explained an idea to Gordo and he agreed it was the best one , by far . When the picnic breakfast was over , everyone stepped into the TARDIS , including the McDevitt family , children and all . They headed for the town , where Gordo set about bringing as many of his neighbours into the street for a meeting . This time there were too many people to go to the schoolroom . They just crowded around the strange blue box where The Doctor waited to speak to them all . He told the story of the crashed space ship and the men who had a terrible affliction , but who he had now cured . He then nodded to Donna , who opened the TARDIS door . The men came out and lined up , facing the astonished townspeople . " They are cured , now . I cured them . They know nothing of what happened and I don 't want anyone holding any grudges . You can 't blame sick men for their actions . What they need , is your hand of friendship , now . They need compassion . They need help . Not charity , I might add . They need work , a place to sleep , a small wage , a bit of food . There 's a stable here , where a man could earn his keep , a lumber yard , farms that could use a strong pair of hands … " The townspeople looked at each other , then at the men , then at The Doctor . And then they decided to do the right thing . Before very long , each of the strangers knew where they would sleep tonight , who they could depend on to give them a meal , and what work they might do to earn it . " One more thing , " The Doctor added before they all went their separate ways . " I 'm going to be talking with Doctor O ' Rourke and his assistant , Milo . All of you need to go to him in turn , with your children . He 'll vaccinate you against this disease . He 'll have enough of the medicine to ensure that anyone presenting symptoms can be helped in future . I still don 't know where it comes from , or how . But at least this town will be protected . " Dr . O ' Rourke was sitting on the sidewalk by his surgery on a rocking chair , his lady friend by his side . The townsfolk nodded and went away satisfied . The Doctor turned to Gordo . There was one more thing he needed to do , the last loose ends to round off . But this time he didn 't want a public meeting . " The McShanes , " he said . " They need to be included in your community . They 're a bit rough round the edges , but they just need a helping hand . But not one that humiliates them with charity . The sister , Marta , she 's a decent young woman . Could you give her a few days a week helping out in the milk bar ? The money would help her get a few new dresses and a bonnet and help her hold her head up around the other ladies of the town . And put the word out for some paid work for the brothers , too . Once they have a bit of income they can start building up their farm and they 'll have a bit more pride . " " I 'll do what I can , " Gordo promised . " Excellent . Job done . Now Donna and I can enjoy our holiday ! We certainly need one . " |
Its tradition in our church , when new babies are born , we come before the whole congregation and give the baby a blessing and give him an official welcome into the ward . We do not believe in baptizing babies , so it is mainly a prayer over the baby . Moving on , It is also my tradition to make ( or have made ) something homemade and special for their blessing . With Ben , it was a blessing blanket . A really good friend of mine , Lisa , actually made the girls their blessing dresses and another friend , Katrina , made their white bows . So , for Liam , I decided to make a small blanket and a bowtie . I didn 't make the blanket in time , but I did get to the bow tie , so look for it in the pictures ! I 'm going to start this story last night when I started preparing for the luncheon today . I wanted to make this amazing cake called Italian Love Cake . ( link ) I tested it last week to test it and it turned out SO good . I went to make the cake last night because it needs to cool completely then sit in the fridge for a few hours after frosting . The problem was I couldn 't find the cake mix . I tried for almost an hour to find it but no luck . At this point , it was almost midnight and the cake had to bake for an hour . I was so tired already , but I ran out to the store and come back and made it . I made it in a different pan this week and it didn 't turn out visually like I would of liked because it didn 't layer the way it was supposed to . So after staying up so late and having it not turn out made me very frustrated . So I decided to make snickerdoodle cookies and since we had so much family coming , I made a double batch and it took me almost 3 hours to make it and bake all the cookies . Then we decided to take the cake anyways ( GAH ! shoot me now ) . We decided to have shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches and I put the chicken in a crock pot last night and the chicken turned out really well . It was so tasty ! Everyone really enjoyed it ! But this morning when I was checking it and adjusting the heat , I hear Addison in the other room telling Liam to open his mouth and eat something . I come into the room and she 's trying to feed him popcorn kernals . I was NOT happy and she got in lots of trouble and got a lecture for it . The other thing that stressed me out was the fact that all 4 kids needed to be bathed before church . Plus I needed to shower and get ready , in between all the cookies baking . I was literally running around baking cookies , bathing kids , dressing kids , feeding kids , doing the girls ' hair , making sure we had everything for the luncheon and for the blessing . It was a hard , hectic night and morning and I literally did not stop moving until we were sitting in the church . Oh , and the other thing that stressed me out , was the fact that I tried to feed Liam before the meeting but there was some kind of construction in the back of the bldg . and the mother 's room was literally locked . I didn 't know what to do , so I sat in the foyer and fed him . it was just a crazy morning or events . But once the meeting started , Liam was pretty calm until they actually started the blessing . He screamed a few times but other than that , he was pretty calm . It was a beautiful blessing and I am grateful that I married and amazing man who is worthy and able to bless our children . He is such an amazing man . After the blessing we took some family pictures then headed over my to Uncle 's place as our place was much to small to host . We have a fantastic time visiting with family and friends . Here is who came : This week our little baby M . would 've been celebrating his first birthday . Should 've been . Its still hard when I think of him . I miss him so badly . It 's not as if I dwell on my sad emotions but I can still remember the day he was born as if it was yesterday . Sometimes it feels that way . A song will come on the radio and will remind me and I sit there in the car sobbing . Or I see the outfit we had for him and I tear up . Or I will see the small little box in my closet that holds all the precious things we have of him and the little blankets that he was wrapped in . Before , I felt like I wouldn 't be happy until I had another baby in my arms . Let me tell you , the whole time I was pregnant , I was worried and nervous that something would go wrong . Even as I was in surgery , I thought something would go wrong . Turns out , my nervousness was for nothing , even if it was understandable . I mean , we did have 2 miscarriages before Liam was born . I thought for sure that having another baby would fill the hole in my heart . Not true . I mean , I love Liam with all my heart and I wouldn 't trade him for anyone or anything . But I still miss M . Miss him so bad . Liam did not replace his place in my heart and I feel stupid for thinking that he could 've . They are not the same person and they each hold a special place in my heart . This week is especially hard for me , wondering who our little boy would 've been . Would he of looked like Ben and the girls or favor my side of the family like his cousin Hannah ? Would he of been a happy baby who slept through the night for me , or been colicky and fussy all the time ? Would he favor daddy 's arms or mine ? Its the not knowing , the not being able to hold him or know him . . . yet . I know we will get the chance to know him and I know he is being looked after until we can hold him again , but its the time until then that is killing me . Sometimes , its hurts when people ask how many kids I have . I feel like I should say 5 because I feel as if I 'm leaving M . out if I don 't yet at the same time , I don 't want to share that story or to share M with them . But I do have 5 . Having Liam has definitely filled my arms and a special place in my heart but he could never replace M . He 's been such a blessing , especially because he will be our last . We 're almost 100 % sure on that front . Each pregnancy has had more and more complications and been harder and harder on me . Its gotten progressively more dangerous with the complications I 've had . This last time was pretty hairy so its best if we stop while we 're ahead . But holding my little Liam and smelling his newborn smell and nursing him and just begin with him makes me wonder if I can resist having another baby . I do get pretty baby hungry . : ) was born . There is and was a lot of drama surrounding the whole situation , so in order to tell the birth story , I 'll catch you up on a few key details you 'll need . 1 . This birth had to be a c - section because with the girls ' c - section , they did a horizontal and vertical cut on my uterus ( inverted T incision ) so the chances of having an abruption ( tear ) are much higher . The Dr . s told me that we would do the c - section at 39 weeks so I wouldn 't go into labor , basically I shouldn 't be having contractions . 2 . The due date is offcially August 12 , making the c - section set for August 5th . 3 . Toby got an internship with Chevron for 3 months in Midland , TX . Those 3 months happened to be the last trimester of this pregnancy . This made it impossible for us to move to TX with him so he was in TX for 3 months and the kids and I stayed here . He was set to start driving home on the 2nd of August and be home on the 3rd . I 'd been having painful contractions all night but they were not at all regular . Unfortunately , even though they weren 't regular , I still didn 't sleep much . So , in the morning , i told my momma and we agreed to get someone to watch the kids and she 'd go with me to my NST and OB appts . At the NST , baby 's heart rate was fine but they like to see small accelerations . If there are no accelerations that could mean a possible problem with the placenta . Well , after trying for over a half an hour , and after his heart rate dropped during the contractions , they sent me upstairs to Labor and Delivery . The Drs . said they were 85 % sure I was gonna have the baby . Upstairs , they started monitoring me and I kept having the contractions but his heart rate stabailized and he has accelerations , so they weren 't concerned with that . Anyways , we kept trying to get ahold of the Dr . but she was busy with another c section so we couldn 't tell if they were just gonna try and stop my contractions or do the c section . Anyways , 2 hours goes by . . . very slowly because i 'm not allowed to eat or drink and I 'm dying of thrist and my sugars are getting low and its just making me frustrated . Then all of a sudden , the nurse comes into the room with an anesthesiologist and announces that they 're gonna take the baby in the next hour . HOLY CRAP ! I was not prepared for that . I thought it 'd be at least a few hours . but they were concerned with the intensity of the contractions and didn 't want to wait . I was happy to be done being pregnant but even more so , I was frustrated and sad that Toby wasn 't going to be able to be there . As soon as he heard that I might be in labor , he got sent home , packed up , checked out of his dorm and started driving home . So , when we got into the delivery room , he was able to be on the phone with us and hear Liam be born . I was kinda anxious the whole time , getting the epidural and just waiting for it to kick in . I got really worried and nervous and again , frustrated that Toby couldn 't be there . They put me on oxygen and when I couldn 't stop shivering and shaking , they put some warming " tubes " on me . it was like a warm air filter or something . I felt better after they started and things were looking good and I realized that this c section was not nearly as stressful as the last one . Liam was born at 1 : 36p . He weighed 8 lb . 9 oz . and was 19 in . long . I got a glimpse of him as they whisked him out of the room to make sure that he was stabilizing because of my diabetes . They brought him back in for a few minutes so I could see him but I couldn 't hold him . After surgery they wheeled me back to my room which served as my Recovery Room . They made me stay there , being monitored for about an hour during which I didn 't get to see Liam or hear about him . Longest hour , ever ! FINALLY , they took me downstairs to the Mother / Baby unit where I would stay the rest of the time I was in the hospital . The rooms downstairs are SO much smaller than the labor and delivery rooms . Barely enough room to turn around , I swear . So , anyways , I was getting settled into my new room and my new nurse , Susie , is checking me and making sure all my vital are stable when she notices that I 'm starting to hemmorage . She immediately calls another nurse for assistance and then pretty much chaos erupts in my room . Quite a few other nurses rush into the room and everyone is rushing around scrambling for supplies and for medication . they called my OB , who rushed down from upstairs to run things . They keep checking and rechecking my blood pressure and oxygen levels and making sure I wasn 't passing out . But after everything they did and every medication they gave , I still kept hemorrhaging . Calls and pages were being ignored by my Dr and the nurses because I was losing so much blood . One nurse was specifically in the room to hold my hand and keep me talking . They were really worried I would pass out , even though I never felt like I would . All day , I 'd been drifting between exhaustion and being kinda alert . I hadn 't slept much the night before so I was really tired and sometimes it was hard to keep my eyes open . During the chaos and rush of my situation , I still was so tired that I would almost fall asleep , making it seem like I was going to lose consciousness . They kept " rolling " me on my sides so they could change the absorbent pads under me . Sadly , they were changing them almost every 5 minutes . They were also shooting me up with a drug used to stop heavy bleeding . I guess I could only have 4 doses and but they could be given every 15 minutes apart . So after being given each dose , they would start to get nervous because they wanted to give me the next dose but not enough time had passed . In my tiny little room , there were at least 10 nurses working . It was really frustrating , not being able to do anything and especially for not being able to see my baby . At one point , my mom came to the door , wondering what was going on and they asked if I wanted her to come in , but even being with me in the c - section made her a little sick and traumatized . So I told tNurses were talking about the experience for days afterwards . Nurses I didn 't even recognize would tell me that I was looking so much better and they were all glad I was doing well . One even commented to Toby while they were in the nursery with Liam that it was a very scary situation and things got pretty hairy . Crazy . When everything first started going down , I asked if I would need surgery and they said it was a possibility if the bleeding didn 't stop . Thanks goodness that it did , I certainly didn 't want a hysterectomy , even though that probably is the very last resort . Anyways , things got better after that . Liam was able to come and I was able to hold him and nurse him . he took to nursing like he 's been doing it for months . We had absolutely no trouble getting latched and getting him to eat . He was a champ for sure . And an excellent snuggler . He loved being held and rarely cried . Although , he did hate having his diaper changed . He screams blood murder every time his diaper comes off . Ok , now Toby didn 't make it back in time for the delivery but he was driving straight through from Texas . He stopped once to take about a 2 hour nap but I didn 't want to call and ask if he was on his way again because I didn 't want to wake him . The next morning , about 7 or 8 ish , he walks in the door ! It was a very nice sweet surprise ! I hadn 't seen him in a month and the first time I do , he gets to meet his son ! We had a neighbor watch the kids and our best friend , Hannah , was able to take off work and come down and stay the night with the kids so that my mom could stay the night with me in the hospital . Its a good thing she did because they wouldn 't remove my catheter so i couldn 't just get up and change him or get up at all , even if I wanted to . So , it was extra special that Hannah came to stay and that my mom was able to be with me all night . They decided to give me 2 transfusions of blood because I 'd lost so much . They were a little hesitant at first but I told them that I would take as much blood as they would give me . When we lost baby Michael , I lost a lot of blood then , too , and they erred on the side of no transfusion , and it took me months to recover from that , physically . After getting those two units of blood , I feel 10 times better . I was able to get up and walk around , even though my feet and calfs were so swollen that it felt like I wasn 't even walking on my own feet . So , the Drs . wanted me to stay the full 4 days in the hospital to make sure I wasn 't going to start bleeding again and to make sure I was well on the way to recovery . They wanted me to get up and walk around and able to take care of myself . So , I loaded Liam in his rolling bassinet and we walked the halls of the mother baby unit . We would walk past the nursery and see all the little babies , they were so cute ! of course , not as cute at mine , but still . We went slow , but we made lots of rounds around that place . I was so grateful for all the nurses that took care of me . With the exception of one , they were all very nice and always asking about my other babes and made sure that I was taking care of more than just physically . I will always be grateful for Melanie , my L & D nurse ; Susie , my first M / B Unit nurse who was the primary nurse while i was hemorrhaging ; Bonnie , my first night nurse who was very standoffish at first which we later learned was because she was very nervous that I would start bleeding again . She opened up a little with that confession and she checked on me religiously and because I was such a big case , another patient actually got a new nurse because most of her time was focused on me . Also , my discharge nurse , Krista , who was my nurse many times . Like I said , I loved all my nurses , but these women will always stand out as being the best ! Its almost Christmas time . Turkey time has passed and Toby and I have made some health goals and perosnal goals . One of mine is to get backt o bloggin about my cute , adorable , amazing kids . . and family , of course . One thing I have been working on lately is to make a home made advent calendar . Since I lived in Germany and advent was very big there , it is a pretty big tradition to me . So I saw one I loved in pinterest , convinced my mom to make one too and we went to the store to pick everything out . I 'm almost done making the pockets . Mine are not as cutsie as this on here but I like how they turned out . Then comes the hard part of figuring out what to put in them . Toby and I brainstormed 30 ideas because we won 't to rotate them and here 's what we have : So , we moved . It was a couple weeks ago and after all that drama with trying to find a new place , then being told we couldn 't move there anymore , or finding this place and finally moving in has really settled my stress down . Finally I don 't have to stress anymore about trying to find a place what will be big enough for our family but not out of our price range . It actually worked out better thatn the first place we had originally had . I love this place ! I guess the thing I like most about it is that we got to know everyone in our building already ( 6 families , but one moved ) . Its nice to actually know people that live near us . Everyone here had kids around Ben 's age or the girls ' age and its nice to be able to play with them and hang out with other moms . At our last place we didn 't really have that , most of the kids were a bit older and it was just hard for me because Ben would want to play older games with all these older kids and I wasn 't too sure about it . OR they would leave him out of games and he would be sad . But here , its super nice ! Anyways , other things I like is the fact that there is only one bathroom to clean , we have our OWN washer and dryer , I can put up a baby gate to keep the kids out of the kitchen ( or in the kitchen with food ) , its bottom floor , we have a huge storage closet , and its close to the library ! Moving on . . . the Girls ' Speech Therapy . They 've been doing so well ! ! They are starting to say more words and trying to communicate more what they want . They are trying to ask for what they want and they try so hard to tell me things . Its actually really cute to see them jabbering away to each other . Its like they have their own language and have this silent communication sometimes . They do really well when Christine , their speech therapist comes over . Basically we do games and teach them words that go along with those games . Lots of times we play with balls and we say ball , throw , catch , please , more , etc . One time she brought bubbles and we learned blow , bubbles , pop , kick ( when we kicked the bubbles ) , more , please . Se , we use words over to really cement them in their minds . Ben has been driving me crazy lately . Its all about asking questions over and over and over again . Even when I already gave him my answer . I 'm trying to ignore him most time but other times it just bugs me so bad . I 've started putting him in time - out every time he asks me a question over and over . I mean really ? I already answered the question , its not as if I 'm gonna change my mind . He knows this . I 've been really good about not going back on what I say . I mean , I 'm not a natzi , but if I said it , I 'm gonna stick by it . He 's getting a little better , but some days it still drives me nuts ! ! We 've been going to the water park , A LOT ! in the past 2 weeks , we 've been 3 times . Of course , it closes the end of this month , so we 're trying to get all the time in that we can . With Toby at work , we 've been taking my Lil bro with us , so I don 't have to watch all 3 by myself . Of course , I only have to keep a small eye on Ben because he 's like a fish in the water . I make sure I know where he is at all times , but I don 't really have to worry about him like the girls . Sometimes they will fall under the water and have trouble righting themselves so we have to grab them . Other times , I try to let them try to get under control and fix it themselves . I don 't let them try for too long if I realize they can 't do it , but I do try and let them do it themselves . My favorite part of going to the water park is going to the wave pool . Ben loves to play in the waves and like I said , he 's a little fish . As long as I can see him , I know he 's OK because he 's never had trouble . I like to sit in the shallow end and let the waves lap over my legs . Sometimes I lay there and its cute because the girls will come and lay down beside me and sun bathe . Once , Peyton tried to lay on her tummy with her head to the side , but obviously that wouldn 't work very well . haha . Toby is working hard at his internship and has about 2 weeks left . THEN school starts back up . I 'm still sad that he 's gone all day but I guess I have to get used to it as this will be how it is when he has a real job . He absolutely love his work and he very good at it . I 'm so happy that he will be doing something he loves . As for me ? I 'm trying to get back into some wort of schedule . I 've been down lately with still trying to deal with the miscarriage . Its has just really knocked me down . Its been hard to see other babies and know that we should be getting close to having our own . Its not as if I am angry at them or hate them , it just hurt to know that I won 't have a baby when I want one . I know others struggle with infertility , I have lots o family members who are / have struggled . and I guess know I know what it feels like . Like I was telling Toby , I 've only had one completely successful pregnancy . With Ben , we had practically no complications , just the jaundice after he was born . Of course , we all know about the girls and even though they are fin now , it was definitely NOT a successful pregnancy , obviously . haha . Anyways , then I had 2 miscarriages . Its just hard to try and wrap my mind around everything . Anyways , enough about that . I 'm going to get back into working out . I 've been planning better meals , getting the kids out of the house , trying to have a good schedule ; things like that . I hope I can get myself out of this funk because I really don 't like it . 1 . We found out we have to move . Again . We moved into this place in December and now they are converting it back to single student housing . So , we searched and found a place that was still in the same ward and it was also converted single housing , and one stairwell was devoted to families and they were all in our ward . It was gonna be so awesome ! Anyways , today we went to talk to them about our move in date and they informed us that they would no longer be letting families stay there . So now , with 2 weeks left before we HAVE to be out of here , we have to find a new place . and guess what ? WE DID ! its an amazing new place . a tiny bit smaller but we really really really love it . I 'll post more about that later ! 2 . Ben turned 4 ! ! ! Hes such a cute kid ! At first he wanted a Mickey Mouse party but it ended up being Spider - man , just like last year . We have some friends over from our neighborhood . We colored pictures of spider - mans villains then took them outside and sprayed them with silly string ( aka spider webbing ) then threw water balloons at them ( and each other ) . Then we played pin the spider on the spider web . The food was : red and blue kool - aid , spider cookies , pretzel webs , red and blue lemon jellos . I made a blue cake with red frosting and Toby drew a picture of Spider - man 's face . Pictures to come later ! 3 . Ben took swim lessons . He did so great and had so much fun ! He passed everything and can move on to the next level . Probably next year . 4 . The girls started speech therapy . They are doing awesome ! They learn at least 15 new words a week . . maybe a few less . They love saying no , shoes , ben , please , water , nana , daddy , and mommy . those aren 't the only ones they say , but those are their favorites ! 5 . Toby started an internship in SLC . He takes the bus up every morning ( to save on gas and he can sleep on the way ) . He 's working on a project to find natural gas . He loves it . 6 . The suburban broke down on us . we didn 't drive it for over a month and I really missed it . I love my big , fat car ! ! the brakes would grind super terrible and it wouldn 't brake great . we took it in and it cost an arm and a leg to fix . but its working again and I 'm happy for it ! 7 . Our best friends from Rexburg came to visit . Seth and Kate had a family wedding and stayed with us for a week . Luckily we still had this place and even with all 5 of them and 5 of us , it didn 't feel crowded ! Nathan roomed with Ben ; Lexi roomed with the girls , and Anya Seth and Kate took the spare room . They had lots of family activities , but we were able to spend all Friday with them . We all hung out at Seven Peaks and it was super awesome fun . We really have missed them so much . We 've been great friends since pretty much the time we moved to Rexburg ( which was practically our whole marriage ) . It was a blast seeing them . We hope to see them again soon , to visit them ! ! 8 . We celebrated 5 years of marriage ! Its been the best , most trying , craziest , most wonderful 5 years ever . I can 't believe that I could be so happy . Toby is the most thoughtful , wonderful , amazing man ever . I wouldn 't trust anyone else with my heart . He knows me so well and I love him so much ! He is my best friend and I can tell him anything . If I believed in sould mates , he 'd be mine . We celebrated by going to Texas Roadhouse and flirting up a storm , then snuggling in a movie . We took photo booth pictures just like we did on our first anniversary . they turned out so adorable . What I didn 't know was that they played a video of your entire time in the booth , on a big screen outside for everyone to see . How embarrassing ? gah ! oh well , the pictures were super amazing ! I love this guy ! 9 . July 4th was a fun day ! Seth and Kate were here and we all hiked to the parade on University Ave . it was lot of fun , but really hot and I had to run to the BK close by and buy a bunch of water ! All the kids loved the horses and there were even llamas . the beauty queens waved and blew kisses and loved it when Ben blew them back . Then we had a BBQ with my cousin , and a block party with our friends . All great food , fun people and sweet fireworks . 100 % fun day . 10 . Next things that are gonna be going on are : In case you didn 't know , or didn 't read or did care , or what not , despite earlier posts , we will not be having baby # 4 anytime soon . I miscarried at 16 weeks . Lost of people are probably wondering what happened but never ask , which is fine . I can tell you what happened , but not how I feel about it . The Friday before Easter I found I was bleeding , just a little bit , but still enough that I called the Dr . because this is what happened to with my pregnancy ( miscarried at 8 weeks ) . We set up an appointment for an ultrasound for a couple hours later . Luckily , my lil bro was around to watch the kid for us . When the ultrasound started , the tech was concerned with my cervix and placenta because I had a low laying placenta which can cause bleeding , and also because I had problems with early dilation with my girls ' pregnancy . We could only see part of the baby because the tech was trying to get a good view of my cervix , but I could tell he was either sleeping or wasn 't moving for other reasons . When I commented to the Tech that " he " wasn 't moving very much she turned her attention to " him " to find the heartbeat . When she found the heart but it wasn 't beating I started crying . She just handed me tissues and kept looking , much to her credit , for almost 10 minutes . When we went to talk to the Dr . he recommended that I go into the hospital to deliver the baby because of my possible bleeding complications . So after we went home and informed our families of the news , I took some pills that would make me go into labor . After a few hours I started bleeding more and more and cramping so we went in . I got settled in the room and the nurses were very nice and sympathetic . ( They were also amazed when they took my history and learned about our girls ' story . ) Throughout everything , they were there for us , talking us through everything that would happen and what we would to if certain other things happened . They said that there was a lady who would come in and take pictures for us and take molds of the baby 's hand and feet . It was all very sweet . Anyways , it started getting late and I was progressing but not super fast . I couldn 't relax completely because I really started feeling the cramps but nothing too terribly horrible , just enough to wake me up and make me grimace . I took some pain meds that make me kinda woozey but also make me lose my dinner . The nurse offered to get me an epidural but I really didn 't want to do through all that trouble and extra worry , so I just sucked it up . She did give me zophran which helps with nausea but it didn 't help because I threw up 2 more times . She gave me morphine a few hours later but it didn 't help at all . I don 't know what it was , but morphine did nothing for me . It didn 't bother me bery much because I could still stand the pain . Around 230a things started getting goingwith me bleeding a ton more and being dilated enough . The Dr . was called and around 315ish our baby was " born . " Things got a little complicated because the placenta wasn 't delivering . We did know from a previous ultrasound that the placenta had attached to the scar tissue and when that happens , it can attach deeply , " looking for healthy tissue . " Anyways , the Dr . spent about half and hour trying different things ( which were not pleasant without any kind of pain relief , let me tell you ! ) After that time , he called the anesthesiologist to prep me for a D & C because it wasn 't coming out on it own . They got me in there pretty quick so I wonder if I was bleeding more than usual . Of course , it was the kiddle of the night so no one was doing much else . When I came out of the " coma " as I call it , it felt awful and high and just completely out of it , and I hate that feeling . For 3 hours I tried to be able to focus on my surroundings but I couldn 't . I could tell that the lady was there documents things for our baby , and I could tell Toby was there , but I couldn 't form a coherent sentence . Here are some things I said ( from Toby ) : Seriously , every time I closed my eyes , I felt like I was somewhere else . I didn 't sleep at all during those 3 hours because I was trying to hard to wake up . The baby that we would of had was a boy . I knew it even before they told us , I just knew it . I hope we have another boy because I really feel like we 're supposed to have another son . While I was in surgery , Toby was able to hold the baby and bond with him for a few hours . ( Just to clarify , the baby was not living , not that you didn 't know that from the ultrasound results , but still ) The Dr . came in a little later and said that I lost a bit of blood and they wanted to keep me around a little bit longer to check my levels after a few hours . This is probably because the first time I tried to get up to go to the bathroom I almost passed out . Toby AND the nurse had to catch me and help me back to bed . They said my blood count was 22 when they like it to be at a 40 but still didn 't feel like I needed a transfusion , I just needed to drink tons of water , take it easy ( yeah right ) , and take some iron pills . Luckily , my brother was around to help with things especially staying all night with out kids , and my cousin and a few friends who made us dinner . My momma came out the next week to help out and be there for me , which was invaluable . My dad was also there for me through phone , email and oovoo . I 'm so grateful for a wonderful extended family who all wrote emails or calls to make sure we were ok . I am a Mom to 3 wonderful , adorable , gorgeous children and a wife to my greatest love . I 'm a stay - at - home mom and I love it . This is me , thanks for visiting . Feel free to share your stories with me , too . View my complete profile |
So , life continues on . I get up each morning , preparing for the day . I have hope each day that husband will have a good day . I wonder what he lost during the night . Some days are good , some , not so good . I had to go grocery shopping yesterday . Husband was asleep . As I looked at him , I felt the need to wake him and take him with me . I did . He was a little confused when I told him I had to go to the bank , gas station , then on to the store . You cannot tell an Alzheimer 's / Dementia patient a list of things you are going to do . I keep forgetting that one . You have to tell them one thing at a time . He was easy going about it , just kept asking when we were going to go to the store . He did fine in the store . I explained to him that we could not buy any extras , that I had to buy the necessities . There were no throwing fits , no wandering off , nothing . He stayed by my side , asked me a few hundred questions , and was even joking with me . As we were leaving the parking lot , he said , " I kept up with you real good , huh ? " I complimented him on his ability to keep up with me in the walker . It was nice , yesterday afternoon . In these Alzheimer 's / Dementia patients , their eyes do something weird . They seem to take on a life of their own . It 's hard to explain it , it 's like their eyes get bigger , rounder in a strange sort of way . But the eyes themselves are blank . Total blank . I don 't like looking at his eyes . There have been a lot of tremors during the day . I 've noticed this week , he has tremors in his arms all day long now . He also shakes involuntarily , all day . When he goes to lift his glass of water , he will spill sometimes because of these tremors . When I see him having tremors , I turn my head . I don 't like looking at that . There are a lot of things I don 't like nowadays . All in all , since Dr A called last week , it has been OK . All I can do is keep doing what I 'm doing . There is no guideline for my days . There is no schedule . I deal with whatever comes up during the day . I am no longer in charge of anything . This disease has taken over our very lives . All I can do is ride it out . Why do I blog ? Why do I put myself out there ? How can I come here each day and open my heart and soul to cyberspace ? Why ? I 'll tell you . It 's to tell a story . It 's a story of a man who had it all . A loving family , well respected in the community , strong and giving . It 's also about a man who has been struck down in the prime of his life with this deadly disease . I first suspected husband had been afflicted in 2005 . I didn 't say anything , just , wondered . It was ever so slightly , but , it was there . It gradually became more apparent with ; the confusion ( at sudden moments ) , a change in his personality , ( slight ) , a sudden limp in the left leg , forgetting where the light switches were , forgetting where silverware or dishes were , or , needing directions to a certain place he had been to hundred of times . By 2008 , I was convinced he had it , but , did not know where to turn . So , I started my research on the internet . I found my answers . I knew he had it . Only , I did not know where to take him . I started with our primary doctor . Now , husband has never gone to Dr 's . Never needed to . Once our primary watched him walk , he immediately referred him over to Neurology . And we all know how that turned out . There were times I wondered if I was crazy or imagining all of the symptoms . I questioned every move I made . I thought I would go nuts at times . Now , today , I look back at my decisions and know I did the right thing . Even though the outcome is as I suspected and will leave me a widow , I did the right thing . And for what ? What did I gain ? He 's going to die . My fears have been confirmed , my questions have been answered . I can only go forward with the knowledge that I have now . I know what to expect , I know what to do . It 's not easy . Let 's get this knowledge out there . If you know of anyone who maybe suffering with symptoms I just described , please , get a diagnosis . It may be nothing or it may be something . You just never know . Educate yourself beforehand . Arm yourself with knowledge when you see the specialists . Push for testing . Make them listen to you . Never going through this before , I was armed when we saw the first Neurologist . I told them , day one , what he had . I was proven right . So , I need your help . Please , if you know of anyone who is going through what I went through , or , anyone who is suffering the first effects of this terrible disease , let me help . It 's a very lonely feeling when you know , but you don 't know . God has directed me to help . I feel God has led me to this point . I had to go through this in order to help and guide others . I 'm here . Rough night . Husband was very restless throughout the night . Had an accident in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom . I cleaned it up . He was upset he had an accident . I reassured him it was OK , calm down , then went back to bed . A lot of jerking and coughing / choking the rest of the night . A little tired this morning . I got the results of the Genetic Test in the mail yesterday . On one paper , Dr A put a sticky and wrote , " Mrs Lucero : I hope all of this information is not too much for you . " Can I say I really love this guy ? It 's taken me some time to warm up to him , but , he is a really wonderful Dr . I am glad husband is in his care . It is so big and bold , I thought it was going to slap me in the face . POSITIVE . Then , it went on to say that " patient has tested positive for the mutant gene causing Early Onset Familial Alzheimers Disease . " I will now meet with the aunts and cousins this weekend , the ones who are at risk . It will be up to them to get tested . At least we now have positive proof that this deadly disease does run in the family , but , it will be up to them to test or not to test . Their choice . So , life continues on . I took a few days off from posting to gather my thoughts . Things are the same , yet , different now . We now have the real answer , but , we ( the Dr 's & I ) have always known the answer . It 's now been confirmed by the Diagnostic Testing Center in Michigan . I have been somewhat overwhelmed by it all . I just needed time . Sunday , at church , as we were standing and singing , it finally hit me . I glanced at husband . He had " the look " , just staring ahead , not singing , nothing , that blank , haunting look . I put my arm around him and held him tight . " Oh , Lord , no , please , " I silently said . Somehow , he knew why I did it , he looked at me and nodded his head . Father in law called , wants to pick him up and spend the day with him . Husband is excited to spend the day with his dad . He 's ( father in law ) making an effort . My heart hurts for him as well now . We are all hurting . Since Friday , our whole family has been subdued . We are quieter , walk more softly , speak softer to one another and am more aware of one another . Why am I feeling this way now , when , 2 years ago we did get a diagnosis ? And even before that , I knew . Deep down , I knew . Probably because it 's official now . Spring is here . Winter is behind us . We are having beautiful weather . The trees are turning green , flowers are beginning to bloom . I can have doors and windows open . I am not dressing in layers . I see people walking their dogs more and more . The heater rarely comes on . Yes , Spring . Renewal . New life . And now , this . Dr A called me yesterday afternoon . The news is not good as expected . Husband has in fact inherited what his mother had . Of course , we knew , but , to have it confirmed by Genetics Testing , was , well , sad . Dr A explained how they can tell , these experts . It 's really rather interesting how they go about it . Test results show the defective gene is present at conception . What makes his type of disease so interesting is , this defective gene lies dormant for about 35 years . And like an alarm , at or around age 35 , this gene , or dominant chromosome , will start to mutate , causing a deadly consequence . It also showed that husband received this defective gene from the female contributor . He also explained that what husband has is so rare , not much has been done in studies . I swallowed hard and asked , how long ? He hesitated , then said , " With what we know , and how he is now , I 'd say 1 more year , tops . " We talked for a good 30 minutes , he told me it was time to put him in a wheelchair , the evidence of falling is too great at this stage . He was pleased that he is using the shower seat . He also explained that I will have to look into getting him into a hospital bed . Being concerned about all the seizure activity , he has requested an EEG , in May . I then had to call Father in law . I felt so bad for him . He cried , I cried . He was in denial for so long , it was so hard on him . I really felt bad for him . He thanked me for taking such good care of husband , his son , his little boy . I can imagine how he has felt , yet at times , would make me so crazy by his denial , yet , here I was , telling him his only child will in fact , die , soon . Dr A is sending me the results , I told father in law that I need to see the family , giving them copies of the test results . They all have a right to know what can happen to them , or their children . He agreed . Husband will be 47 in May . Family members afflicted with this disease did not live to see their 48th birthday . We are now upon the dreaded 47th year . This birthday will be bittersweet . And , his last . I can honestly say that yesterday was better than the day before . Husband woke up in a good mood , showered , and , he used the bath seat . Yes , I know , he actually used something that will keep him safe . Said he liked it even ! ! I was shocked . He never , and I mean , never , does anything I suggest . Fights me on everything . I don 't know if this " mood " will change for the worse , but , I 'll take it when I can get it . I had to go to the store when Jack got home , so , I took husband with me . He was OK in the store , but , wanted to get something that I couldn 't afford . Told him I had X amount of dollars , he already had some at home , so , use it till it was gone . He started to pout in line , I got close to him and said , " Do not act up in the store . You are not getting anymore of that stuff until you use up what we have at home . Do you understand ? Now , if you can 't straighten up , you will not go with me anymore to the store . " A lady in front of me turned around , and I know she thought I was talking to a child , so , when she saw that I was with another adult , the look on her face was priceless . I almost burst out laughing , but , smiled ever so sweetly at her and she turned back around . As she was leaving with her groceries , she glanced back at us , saw husband and his walker , and suddenly , it made sense to her . She gave me an understanding look and left . Husband was quiet on the way home . I had made my point . I have to go to the post office today , husband said he wanted to go too . Told him he would have to behave and I would take him . Husband wants to go to the Jemez Mountains . I would love to take him as well . It 's beautiful up there . Because the weather is going to be rather nice , I may take him next week . They have been blasted with snow from our recent storms last week , hopefully , I will be able to take him . I could use a change of scenery myself . These days all blend into another . Some days are good . Some days are bad . And we owe it all to this monster that has invaded our lives , destroying all in it 's path . Kudos to you , you horrifying monster . I got an afternoon off yesterday ! ! Tish picked me up and we went to an Asian food store , looked around , then went to one of her good friend 's house to visit . While there , Tammy ( her friend ) and Tammy 's mom offered me a very nice bath seat for husband to use . Funny , I have been thinking of getting one for him , can cross that off my list . They also told me where I could go to get him a wheelchair . I felt so refreshed when I got home . Relaxed . Made a nice dinner , sailed through cleaning up kitchen after dinner . Whew , did not realize how much I needed that . Husband is not doing well . He is confused and angry again . All directed at me . Another symptom is this unrelenting selfishness . It 's a constant , daily thorn in my side . I honestly think that is what bothers me the most . Everything is about him . No one else matters to him . I read not too long ago about this symptom , thought , yeah , that 's him , but , it is getting worse . He too needs a day out , but , I have been letting Jack take the car to school each day , so , we stay home . Next week I am planning on keeping the car , taking him somewhere , anywhere . If we go to his Dad 's house , all we will do is sit and listen to his Dad talk , talk and more talk . I want to take him somewhere where there is action , kind of get his mind busy . Am thinking long and hard about this one . He sure needs some sort of stimulation . Tish , Jace and the kids leave today . Heading back to Arizona . I don 't realize how much I miss her until she leaves again . We had such a lovely afternoon yesterday . Just the two of us . She said she was sad to go , leaving me and what I deal with on a daily basis . She told me that her heart hurts knowing what we are going through . What a good girl I have . Such love and compassion in her . Jack has left for school , husband is still asleep , Kristen is at work . Just me and the dogs right now . I don 't know how husband will be when he wakes up . He certainly was not good when he fell asleep last night . He also had a rough night of sleeping . Seizure activity has resumed at night . It makes me nervous when husband sleeps all day . It also makes me nervous when he is awake and agitated . Guess I have to pick my poison , yes ? I realized something yesterday . In 6 months , my youngest child , my baby , Jack , will be leaving the nest for the Air Force . He will be starting a new life . His life , his future . Where did the time go ? How did he get so grown ? Because I am the mother of 7 children , my life has been filled with diapers , schedules , feedings , sleepless nights , cleaning up messes , wiping snotty noses , singing softly to a feverish child , attending school functions , with a baby or two on my lap , driving in traffic with screaming babies , endless laundry and , dreaming of the day when they would grow up . Somehow , someway , they all grew up . Now , they are well functioning young adults . They all are responsible , respectful , career driven , self supporting people . And , I am their Mother . Surprise . We made it . There were times that I even wondered if we 'd make it . To look at my children today makes me proud that I am their Mother . And now ? Now the time has come for the youngest to go out on his own . I don 't know how I will handle it in 6 months . I have NEVER lived alone . Never . I have always had a child or two ( or three , or four or five . . . . . . . ) that have been dependent on me . I was always MOMMY . What will I become now ? In the near future , I will become a MOMMY again . Only this time , it will be to my husband . He will depend on me for everything . I will change diapers , schedule feedings , wipe his snotty nose , have sleepless nights and wonder if it will ever end . Only this " end " will not be one of pride and happiness . It will be one of sorrow and heartache . All the " good " I do for husband now and in the near future will be for nothing . Instead of preparing him for life , I am only making what time he has left , comfortable . I am a strong woman , I know that now . To raise 7 children in at times , difficult circumstances was hard . We have gone through a lot , those kids and I . But , to do this ? To have to be " Mommy " to your husband ? I often wonder if I can . Can I ? Am I really that strong ? Will I care for him the way he deserves to be cared for ? Has God been preparing me all these years for what is to come ? I have no answers today . I only know that in 6 months , my child , my last child , will venture out into the world to begin his future . And I will prepare his father for his final journey . Not much happening here . Jack is back in school , had spring break last week . I let him take the car yesterday and today , so , we are home bound again today . Doesn 't bother me . It is frigid cold here with high winds . May keep the car tomorrow and take husband out for awhile . Father in law called yesterday morning . Said he was going to come and visit , but , it was just too cold to come out . Said I understood , then , he asked if husband had a good weekend . He sure did , I said . He seemed sincere , but , it 's just words . I 'd like to see more action on his part . Told him so in so many words . I get that he is in denial , but , explain that to husband . Husband has seemed somewhat depressed for the last couple of days . I see the fight draining out of him . His eyes no longer sparkle , he has no desire to do anything but lay on the bed and stare at the TV . I try to joke with him , he will , at times , chuckle , but , nothing else . His legs are very bad now . So stiff . The stiffness has been rapid this winter . I watched him try to walk yesterday without the walker , just to put his glass in the kitchen , and , he just couldn 't do it . I got the glass from him and took it myself . Could that be what 's making him so depressed ? He knows his legs don 't work anymore ? He cannot walk anymore ? I really need to get him out of the house . Do something he enjoys doing . Before he gets up in the morning , I think of ways to make him happy for the day . Some ideas work , others don 't . Depends on how he is feeling that day . I 'd like to feel happy again also . My days are busy , what with the house , meals , laundry , caring for husband . At the end of the day , I am tired , but , not physical tired . It 's all mental for me . I am hoping and praying for results this week on the genetics testing . I have a feeling we will get the results this week . Been long enough . Husband is still asleep , but , I just heard him talking . He does that a lot lately . Talks to . . . . . . . . no one . Have to go check on him . It 's a scary thing when you hear your husband talking to no one . We have no control over this monster . It does what it wants . Oh , how I wish I could make it go away . All of it . We had a nice St Patrick 's dinner at Jane 's . Not too noisy for husband . He was a little confused at first , but , once he saw Carlos , his old buddy , he was fine . Carlos took husband under his wing , and they sat & talked for a long time . When we got ready to leave , Carlos had tears in his eyes as he said , " Take care of him . " He was deeply moved by what husband has become . His face looked so sad . Jace , Patrick and husband left early this morning for Ramah . Husband was excited . He has been looking forward to this trip . Just the guys . Of course , I gave them instructions on how to care for husband if they walk anywhere , don 't let him get lost . Also , could not take the walker , he is using his cane . Told them to steady him . I know they will take care of him . They love him . It 's just that he is in my care constantly , I know what to do . Like entrusting your child to someone . Everyone is coming here for dinner tonight . I love to cook for my family . Jace ordered Pineapple Upside Down cake , ( I make it from scratch ) , Leia wants my apple pie ( also from scratch ) and Tish wants my macaroni salad . Looks like I will be busy while the guys are out today ! ! Love to cook and see my family enjoy it . Father in law may come to visit tomorrow . I called him Friday morning , wanting to bring husband over for a visit . He hesitated , I asked him if there was a problem . He said no , but , I could tell there was something . So , I dropped it . He seems to still be in denial that there is anything wrong with husband , other than " a little problem walking " . That man makes me want to spit nails . When is he going to admit it ? I cannot get through to him . Father in law at times , is more difficult to deal with than husband . When he asked how husband was doing , I told him all the issues at hand . He was silent for a moment , then said , sarcastically , " Well , you better start saving for a funeral . " I wanted to choke that man . There are times I don 't even want to let him know how husband is doing , he only wants to argue with me on this delicate subject . I am letting it go for now , but , when the Genetics Test comes back , well , we 'll talk . He can argue with me all he wants , but , try to argue with scientific evidence ? It has been a decent weekend so far . Husband was irritated with me yesterday . Seemed wound up for some reason . Usually when this happens , there will be a sudden decline . Have to wait and see . That 's all I do anymore . Waiting for the other shoe to drop . I eat , breathe and sleep this new found way of life . Never know what 's around the corner . All you can do is watch and listen . Like a thief , waiting to steal from you . And this disease has stolen . Everything we had or knew . All taken away . Leaving in it 's path , a broken man and family . Got a call from a very old and dear friend , inviting us to her house for dinner Saturday night , St Patrick 's Day . Several of our old friends will be there . None of them has seen husband in as many years . I told husband about it , he said he wanted to go . Of course I said we 'd go . Was thoughtful of Jane to include us . She said it would be good for husband to see the " old gang " . I am looking forward to going . Later in the evening last night , husband asked me who would be there . I told him . He looked straight at me and said , " I don 't remember these people . Who are they again ? " Ugh . Because Jace had to work and Leia had school , Tish came earlier this week . Jace & Leia got here last night . They own several acres up in Ramah , southwest of here . Jace wants to go check on the property Sunday . They invited husband to go with them . Husband loves it up there . It is beautiful . I asked him if he would like to go . Of course he said yes . I told him several times that they were going on Sunday . Later last night , he started to panic . I asked him what was wrong , he said he forgot what time they were leaving in the morning . I asked him where ? Go where ? He had a hard time talking , mumbling on words , finally , it came to him , he said , " The property " . Once again , I told him it was on Sunday , today ( yesterday ) was only Thursday . I had to show him on my fingers how many more days until he goes to the property . That seemed to satisfy him , for the time being . He forgot how to put a belt on again yesterday . Kristen helped him . She is so tender with him . Talks to him softly . Has patience with him . When she was done , she patted him on the back and said , " Good job , Daddy . " He just smiled back at her . So , husband has 2 outings planned this weekend . Seeing the " old gang " and going to Ramah . Good for him to get out . We don 't do much anymore , as he tires easily , plus , his walking issues and fading memory are difficult to deal with . I keep him home , safer and easier that way . I woke up sad today . Not a " feel sorry for me " kind of sad . Just , well , sad . Thought of the " old gang " , what will they say when they see husband ? What will they think ? They know of his disease , but , except for 1 person , have not seen him , so , it will be a shock to them . They all knew him as this big , strong , life of the party person . Not anymore , folks . That 's all gone . I asked Jane to let everyone know ahead of time what to expect . Yes , it will be nice , this dinner . Nice for me to have intelligent conversations . I know it will all be centered on husband , the why 's and how 's , and how long ? How long , you ask ? Not long enough , I 'll say . The unthinkable happened yesterday . My husband did not recognize me . We all laughed about it at the time , but , deep down inside of me , I shuddered . Tish was over . We were all sitting on the couch , visiting . Husband came into the living room , looked straight at me and said , " Where 's my wife ? " I looked up at him and said , " I am your wife . " It took him a moment , then he said , " Oh , there you are . " What a scary feeling . Is this a preview of things to come ? Is he really not going to know who I am ? The thought haunted me the rest of the day . Husband has seemed to soften his anger . Replaced is this utter , complete , " can 't remember anything " mood . Some days are better than others . Or , shall I say , some minutes are better than others . One moment , he 's " with it " , the next moment , he will go off the deep end . The hardest part is , he doesn 't even remember he 's been " with it " , or " not with it " . Does that make sense ? Nothing with this disease makes sense . It 's one surprise after another . The other day , he forgot how to put a belt on . Yesterday , he put his belt on . It 's this constant in and out that will drive me nuts . One day , he 's got it , the next , it 's gone . The next day , he 's got it , and so on . Jack seems to take it all in stride , but , I wonder how he feels when he closes his eyes at night . Does he worry ? Does he long for the dad he once knew ? Is he thinking about his chances of him being affected with it as well ? I ask him , he says no , but , I wonder . Spring is coming . Along with spring is our wedding anniversary at the end of this month . So many years . Of course , we will not celebrate it anymore . Just another day . I will remind him what day it is , he will not retain it anyways . So , I will remember for the two of us . The day we got married . The weather , the funny things that happened , the people , the " looking forward to a long and happy life together . " Well , we all know now that that " long and happy life together " has come to an end . There is no future left for us . This is our future . Not much to report . Had a good day yesterday . Tish & baby Alex spent the day with us . The airlines sent Alex 's car seat to Los Angeles , so I had to take her to pick it up at the airport once it arrived here . As I watched planes land & take off , the urge to fly somewhere overwhelmed me . Anywhere . How nice it would be to get on a plane and fly into the wild blue yonder . Relax . Forget about diseases . Sleep uninterrupted . No repeating myself over & over . Quiet . Oh well , at least I got to escape in my own head , for a few minutes . Husband can no longer pronounce some words , so , he had a hard time communicating to Tish . She just goes along with it , never showing she doesn 't understand him anymore . Actually , all the kids never show him they don 't understand him anymore . I understand him , but , I 'm with him all the time . He was trying to tell Tish about homeless people , but could not say homeless . It was pititful . She took it all in stride . Tremors abound , daily , during all waking hours . Seizures have not been bad at night for at least 5 nights now . Choking continues in his sleep . In fact , that 's what kept me up last night . I got him some big pillows , to keep his head higher , but , he slips down flat . Still no word from Dr on the genetics testing . I have not called about home help yet . Will wait until after spring break , things calm down here a bit , then , check into it . I have adult diapers for husband now . They are put up in my closet . Will wait for the next accident and introduce them to him . No use in bringing them out now , when there have been no accidents . May suggest he use them when we go somewhere , just in an offhand manner . Like , it 's an everyday thing . More visiting today with Tish and Marie & Burt move into their new apartment today . Am happy for them . Burt got his old job back and Marie is actively looking . I 'm not sad today . I just realized that . Yay for me . Don 't have too many of those feelings , so , bear with me , OK ? Still no news from the Dr on the Genetics Testing . Every time the phone rings , I look at the caller ID , hoping to see University Hospital . I surely hope I get " the call " this week . They weren 't kidding when they said 6 - 8 weeks . Husband continues to decline . Husband continues to be angry . Husband continues to leave his walker all over the house . Tish and baby Alex flew in last night for the week . I have told husband many times what day they would be here . Many times . I have also told him how they were getting here . That too , many times . Patrick & Christine picked them up at the airport last night . She called , all was well . Flight was good , said Alex entertained every one on the plane . Told husband they had arrived , he said , " How was their drive up ? " Sigh , exhausting . When husband got dressed yesterday morning , he came out holding his belt . He looked at me and said , " I forgot how to put a belt on , can you help me ? " I made a joke out of it . The lump in my throat was not funny . So many things on my mind . I am exhausted from this move . Still trying to recover . Man that was hard to do without husband . I woke up sad today . He has been so nasty to me . I don 't like being around him . I am committed to him . I want my life to be " normal " again . I want to feel good again . Nothing will ever be the same in my life again . What we had is gone . The life I knew is gone . This new life is not comfortable for me . The husband I had was a strong man . The husband I have now is pitiful . Not a whole lot going on . Husband has been OK . A lot of memory issues . Legs have become very stiff . Have not noticed any increase of seizure activity . Of course , he has slept a lot this past week , but as far as nighttime goes , the seizures have not been that bad . Marie , Burt & the kids came home from Texas a few weeks ago . Nice to have them back . Marie took husband yesterday for about 5 hours . She said he did good . He loved getting out . I took care of the kids and cleaned house . Was a nice reprieve for me . He came home in good spirits , but , as the evening wore on , he became a little angry towards me . He did complain about dinner . Told Marie I cook chicken every night ( those Dementia patients ) . He was sick of chicken . Marie played along with it . She knows what to do . He ate a full plate of ( what else ? ) chicken , roasted potatoes and carrots . Said it was delicious . Kudos to the Chicken ! ! I am going to call Dr A 's office tomorrow and see about getting Home Help . See what they actually do . He will resist any help when it comes to bathing or going to the bathroom . Maybe they can just sit with him so I can get out and get some fresh air ? Anyway , am going to check into that . This leaving his walker all over the house is beginning to get on my nerves . Last night , I went into the kitchen , turned on the light , and there it was in all it 's glory , in the middle of the kitchen . I took it to him in the bedroom . I told him to stop leaving his walker all over the house . He looked at me , blank stare , then said , rather sarcastically , " Yes Ma ' am " . Then , to my amazement , he said , " You know , it 's not like I forget it or anything , you just make a big deal about everything . " I laughed , he smiled , then , it was over with . Pat & Christine took Jack with them earlier in the day . When they brought him home , husband came out with his walker . He looked at me and said , " See ? I have the walker . " Turning to Pat & Christine , he said , " Your mom says I always forget the walker , but see , I have it . " What ? No use in explaining that 's not what I meant . He does not comprehend anymore . I can deal with memory loss , difficulty with walking , but , it 's the anger I 'm having difficulty with . I have to learn to let it " roll off my back " , but , I 'll admit , I 'm finding it hard to deal with . He will lash out at me and say things that are so hurtful . No use in lashing back at him . He doesn 't even know what he 's doing . It 's hard . Am working on it . He has been wanting to see his dad , but , his dad has been sick . Would like to take him to his dad 's house today , maybe that will help calm his nerves . Even with the mood stabilizer he takes , it does not curb his anger . All directed at me . I know it 's the disease , still , it 's hard to take . Something I need to work on . I hope for a good day , today . Would like to relax , maybe enjoy a good old movie . Relax . With husband at his dad 's , that may just happen ! ! ! Around 5 : 30 this morning , husband woke me up by clapping . He was laying flat on his back and clapping away . Then , he called the dogs to get on the bed with him . I sat up , told him to hush , as the dogs were trying to get on my bed ! ! Once they saw me , they backed off . I got up , husband was laying there wide awake , quiet by then . He looked strange to me . What was that all about ? Nights are scary for me , for husband . He always seems more confused by nighttime . I 've read about Sundowners Dementia , which I know he doesn 't have as he is confused all day too . Because he sleeps a lot during the day , I don 't notice it as much . By afternoon , he comes around , is more awake , so of course I will see the mass confusion that is going on with him now . On the days when he is more awake , I will hear him holler from the bedroom , or , he will come out and when I ask what he wants , he will say I told him it was time for dinner . He is adamant that I called him for dinner . It will be 2 in the afternoon , but , he will insist it 's dinner time . Another one of the " perks " of having a spouse with Dementia . I got some Adult Diapers for him yesterday . Don 't know when I 'm going to introduce them to him , but , they are here . I may offer him one if we go somewhere for any length of time . I know he will fight me on it , but , the time is now for him to start using them . He has accidents all the time now . At least he still has the sense the change when he does have an accident . He knows he 's going downhill fast now . I can see it in his face . He looks like a defeated man , one who has lost the fight . It 's gone out of him . Like a deflated balloon . I 've noticed that since last week . I live and breathe " signs and symptoms " . I wake up with it , go to bed with it . During the day , I try to think of other things , however , this monster has taken over my very life . He 's not the only one affected . I am too . Only , I will live and he will not . I have decided to NOT seek employment . I cannot and will not leave him alone . Too risky . Money is tight , but , not worth putting husband at risk . I don 't know what today holds . I never know . Patrick is off today . Maybe he will come take husband out for a few hours ? That would be nice . Only , when he takes husband , I always give instructions to Patrick , as if he were a child of mine . In a gut wrenching , heartbreaking and sad way , he is . Can I tell you how much I love my new kitchen ? So much more space . It 's just so much more than the old house . And , believe it or not , the rent is cheaper here . Can we all say , yay ? Husband was in and out yesterday . He would sleep , wake , walk around , sleep , wake , walk around . If I compare him to say , last month , there has been a great changed in him . The memory issues are far greater than before . He doesn 't seem to retain anything anymore . I hate looking at his eyes . They are void of life , dark and haunting . Blank . It 's hard looking at those once full of life eyes . When husband was using only the cane to walk , he would leave it in one room , forget where he left it and the hunt would be on . We have a new issue now . He leaves the walker all over the house . Several times yesterday , I would go into the kitchen , living room or hallway to find the walker . I would take it to him in the bedroom , tell him he left it in the kitchen , he would look at me with that blank stare , saying nothing . Told him he needs this to help him walk , please don 't leave it , use it . No response . Nothing . Sometimes , he will come into the living room , holding onto the walls for dear life . I will ask him where the walker is . He looks at me as if he does not know what I am talking about . It will take some time , but , it seems to finally register with him , I will go get the walker for him , and he will use it . I woke up this morning to find husband having a slight seizure . If you have ever watched someone vibrate , well , it 's not pretty . There have been , at times , moaning associated with the seizures . This started a few days ago . Is he having pain ? I don 't know . When a seizure comes on , I immediately want to reach for the phone to call 911 . Then , it subsides . I wish we could see Dr A more often . However , with this type of disease , obviously there is no cure , so , it would not be beneficial to see the Dr more than every 3 - 6 months . All Dr A does is prescribe drugs that help control the seizures . That 's all anyone can do . That 's the hard part . Nothing can I think I will take him to his dad 's today . Give me a break , let him see his dad . It 's hard for his dad to see him as well . I 'm sure he has a hard time watching his only child go through what his wife went through . He 's still having a hard time accepting it . He 's still in denial . So , this disease is making it 's way through husband 's body and mind . It 's virtually moving through as expected . 2 years ago , I read what they go through . OK , fine and dandy . One day , I thought back then , he too will go through this or that . That one day has come to live in my house . All those symptoms I read about , is now here and present . It has done a fine job destroying a once big , healthy , strong , full of life man . There are times I wish it were over with , for him . The man I knew is gone anyway . I don 't wish him dead , I wish it were just over . Is that wrong ? I don 't know . But , I can 't help my feelings . If anyone were to judge me for thinking this way , I would gladly invite them to walk a mile in my shoes , then , we 'll talk . This road we are travelling on comes with no guide . You wing it . Fly by the seat of your pants . Making life or death decisions . Not easy , this road . No , not easy at all . Whew , yesterday was busy . Got a lot of things organized . My closet in the master is a walk in and huge . Love it . Did some organizing there . Laundry . I even managed to get to Trader Joe 's . Husband loves their carrot cake muffins . I surprised him with some . I was craving avocados , I got 4 . Took our microwave to the church , someone needed one . We have a built in microwave in the new place . Nice one , stainless steel . Warmed up leftovers for dinner . Husband slept until around 4 PM . Checked on him throughout the day . When he woke , he was not in a good mood . Seemed angry at me . Part of the process . I ignore the bad mood . Husband is up early today . Said he had a bad dream . Said it scared him . He 's already had a carrot cake muffin . Very confused . I am trying to post and he is hinting he wants breakfast . Give me a minute , OK ? This week could be the week we get results from genetic testing . I don 't know why I am so anxious . Waiting for Dr A to call me . He may want me to bring husband in . Don 't know . This waiting has not been bad , probably because of the move , had other things on my mind . Now that we are at the stage of " any day now " , I am anxious . I put the job search on hold because of the move , now I am wondering do I pursue it now ? I just don 't know . I may advertise housecleaning services here in the neighborhood . Know several people around . Whatever God wants me to do , I will do it . Waiting on Him . I let Jack take the car to school today . We moved out of his school district , can no longer take the bus . I did not want to drive . So , today I will put the final touches on the house and be done . It 's been a lot of work . But so worth it . The dogs are adjusting . Bessie , the big one , misses her big back yard . I can tell . When I let her outside , she will look up at me , then slowly go out the door . Snowball , my baby , is doing great . As long as I am with him , he 's all good . Doesn 't care that the backyard is smaller . My crazy animals . I want today to be a good day . Husband is still on the irritable side , but , with a good breakfast , he may come out of it . I ever know what to expect with him . He may sleep all day . Or , he may wander the house , making crazy comments , asking many questions . The only thing about this disease that is predictable is , you never know what to expect . Keeps me on my toes . We did it . AND , we have phone & internet . Not on Saturday as cable company said , but they sent a tech out late yesterday afternoon . He had to do something on the roof . I am happy to report I am back on line and moved into our new home . The actual move went so smoothly . Our church youth group showed up around 8 : 30 Sat morning . There were about 20 kids and two adults . They had the house emptied in 2 hours flat . Pat & Tyler moved the big fish tank . That was a job in itself . It 's a big tank with BIG fish . Kristen & I went to the old house yesterday to clean . Took me about 1 1 / 2 hours and done . As I was leaving the old house , Kristen was waiting for me in the car , I said to the house , " Good bye , I am not sorry to leave you " . With that , I closed the door . Tyler came to me Saturday very upset . He said when he arrived at the old house , husband did not know him . Kept calling him the " fish guy " . Tyler at first thought he was joking . Finally , he realized husband did not know him . He went to husband and said , " Do you know who I am ? " Husband said , " No , but I think you are the fish guy , right ? " My son sat down and kept saying , " He didn 't even know who I am " , several times over . My heart broke for him . Tyler said , " Mom , he 's really going to die , isn 't he ? " I just nodded my head . What could I say ? Husband has been OK so far . Of course , memory is a constant issue now . Walking is more slower , more of a shuffle and dragging of the feet . He told me last night he likes the new house . Said it 's more comfortable than the old one . I agree . Or , maybe he too is associating the old house with bad memories like me ? I love my new house . I will make new memories here , ones that will not include husband . It will be just me . Can I do it ? I think I can . Actually , I have no choice now do I ? I was so tired tonight , I went to bed at 9 . It 's now almost midnight and I 'm still awake . Can 't sleep , thinking of tomorrow and moving . I am so tired , my body feels as if it will give out , but I still can 't sleep . Oh , how I envy the people in my house . They are all warm in their beds , sound asleep . Me ? Wide awake . Absolutely exhausted and wide awake ! ! ! It 's been a bad day . Everything that could go wrong , did . And , the weather decided to turn nasty . It 's sub zero temperatures with high winds . Lovely weekend to move , right ? As we were leaving the new house tonight , I had to stop for gas . As I was paying at the pump , my hands were so cold , they wouldn 't work right and I had put in my pin number 3 times before I got it right . Miserable . As I got back in the car , husband said , " What took so long ? " Jack , knowing the bad day I had and the mood I was in , said , " DAD " . In other words , LEAVE HER ALONE ! ! All was quiet as we drove home . Patrick took the TV 's to the new house this afternoon . They are flat screen TV 's , ( bought when we had money , back in the good ole ' days ) . Didn 't want anything to happen to them . Husband has not been good today . He is so confused I sometimes feel guilty moving him and taking him away from what he knows . He loves the new place , it 's just that he knows what walls to hold onto when he is attempting to walk in this house . The new house has big , wide hallways , and when he DOESN ' T use his walker , well , he will be in trouble . Also , there are two ways to get into the kitchen and living room . He 's gonna get lost , I just know it . I caught him wandering the house tonight . I asked him what he was doing and he replied , " I 'm trying to memorize the new place " . Crap . Why did you have to go and say that ? The dogs are totally confused . They kept looking at me tonight with a serious look in their eyes . I told them ( yes , I talk to my dogs ) that we were giving them a new house with a new backyard . I told ole ' Bessie that squirrels will no longer walk the back wall and taunt her . Both of them looked at me as if they understood . I also warned them that the new house has beautiful tile floors except in the bedrooms , and , if they want to run through the house , they better be prepared to slam into a wall . I swear they understood me because they looked sad after that . I should try and lie down so I will end this post . If things go smooth tomorrow , I will have cable and internet . But if it 's anything like today , well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Let 's just say I will post when the internet is up , OK ? Moving should be left to the professionals . Ugh . Old house is showing emptiness , new house is beginning to show love and life . Tonight is our last night here . As I was unpacking in the new place yesterday , so many memories came to mind . I just want to be out of this house for good . It 's not the house , it 's what transpired in this house that I want to be away from . I want it all behind me . I want to close the door on this house that held so much heartache . The symptoms , the failing memory , the falling , the fear that set in in 2009 , the questions , and , then , the diagnosis . Yes , I want it all behind me now . OK , so husbands ' going to die . OK , I get it . I associate this house with what 's wrong with husband . So funny how we associate things with bad news . I remember our family dog , Frauline . She was a big , fat Doberman Pincher . A gentle dog , she thought she was one of the kids . When my mom took her to the vet and they put her to sleep , I was with my mom , eating a banana . After they put her to sleep , I did not another banana for years . So , you see ? I associated my beloved dog dying with eating a banana . Same as this house . This is where we lived when husband was diagnosed . I want to leave this house for good . Thankfully , I have had a lot of help this week . Kristen 's friend , Wayne has been taking loads this entire week . Washer & dryer was taken yesterday . It 's almost done . Husband has been driving me NUTS this week . He can 't help it , but , it 's still driving me nuts . He insisted on staying with me ALL DAY yesterday at the new place . Oh , that was fun . On the way home I mentioned that I would be doing all final touches tomorrow , ( today ) , he said he would come with me , again . I said " NO " , stay home and rest . In other words , I need a break from him today . Too much to do . Kristen and I will knock out the rest , husband will stay home . I 've kept Jack out of school today , he is going to help husband with the tools . When I told Jack this , he said , very sarcastically , " Gee , thanks mom " . I replied back with a very sweet , motherly , loving tone , " Oh , you 're welcome sweetie " . We then started to laugh . He 's a handful , that husband of mine . And , you gotta laugh when you can . Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me . |
Bedtime around here is a family affair . For a kid as fun - loving as Abby , settling down to go to sleep is not her favorite activity , so we try to make as fun as possible . Usually , Dada heads up first while I gather things like a cup of water and a book to read . Then , I herd her up the stairs to " find " where Dada went . Once we 've " discovered " he 's in Abby 's room we head to the bathroom to get all our bathroom business done . By this point I 've turned on the night music and nightlight , and gotten the covers straightened . Everything is ready - so we all pile in . Now , before you start imagining us all crammed into a toddler bed , I will tell you that Abby sleeps in a double bed , so that fact that we are all in it at once isn 't quite as comical as it might sound . Here is where it varies from night to night . Sometimes we read stories on the iPad , sometimes we read stories out of actual books ( gasp ! ) , and sometimes Mama and Dada are the storytellers . Tonight though , we tried something a bit different before the stories , we played telephone . Abby has always liked secrets and she has a favorite secret she likes to share . If you ask Abby to tell you a secret she 'll draw close , cup her hands around your ear and whisper , " Pst , pst , pst , open my presents ! " For some reason she thinks every secret is about her opening presents , it 's actually pretty funny . So tonight when Jason was trying to get her to lay down he told her he had a secret , and she wanted to share hers - about opening her presents . This gave me the idea to play telephone . Here 's how it went : By this point Abby had gotten us laughing , so she was in entertainment mode . She sat up and proceeded to do a shimmy dance that got us both laughing against our better judgement and that was that . Dad tried to help by suggesting it was story time . Abby once again snuggled in and ordered Dada to begin . Jason began some story about Princess Abby wandering the grounds of the Pink Castle and finding an enchanted banana that turned her into a fish . Abby wasn 't really down with that so she commanded him to stop and start a new story . This time , feeling that he 'd already gone the route of originality , he decided to plagiarize . Abby was stranded on an island with only a volleyball named Wilson for a friend . Now , I knew what he was doing , this had now become a contest between the two of us to see who could hold their laughter in . Not to be outdone I took over the tale and had her rescued by her friends in a helicopter and flown above the tree line , away from the hunters . There though they encountered a crazy Scottish squirrel who threw nuts at them and beavers who made fun of the fact that Abby had a teddy bear backpack ( Open Season for those of you without kids ) , this morphed into " Abby - locks and the Three Bears " , and by this point Abby had caught on to our game and our giggles . It was time for Mom to reign it in , or we would be there all night . So , Mom got stern , Abby got stubborn , and Dada became the referee . After a trip to the bathroom , a change of clothes ( just because ) , and some other stalling measures , it was decided that Mom needed to go downstairs and Dad and Abby would hang out and watch a video on the iPad - a chance for all of us to decompress . In a few minutes I will head back up to " close the deal " as we call it , because when the sleepiness finally does take hold of Abby she wants Mama . Dada will tell Abby that he has to head into work ( he doesn 't , but for some reason it 's the only excuse she 'll accept for him to leave ) , and I will commence the singing of the Winnie the Pooh song . Abby will fall asleep and bedtime will be over - whew ! I have to admit there are many nights when I wish I could just tuck her in , give a kiss goodnight and close the door . It would be easier . It would be faster . It would be a lot less hassle . But , I 've come to realize that this ritual has become important family time . Our life gets so crazy sometimes , I like the fact that we end our day together telling stories , being silly , and sharing cuddles . No matter what has gone on that day , the sight of her beautiful face , peaceful in sleep , is balm enough for any hurts or aggravations that have occurred . Is guaranteed to make any night a good night . One of my favorite writing activities that I do with my students is a copy - cat version of Judith Viorst 's poem If I Were In Charge of the World . Over the years I 've gotten a lot of wonderful examples of what our world would be like if it was run by preteens . On Monday morning , as I was thinking about what to write for my blog post , this poem came to mind and I began to wonder : What would it be like if Abby were in charge of the world ? I thought that I would rewrite Viorst 's poem from her perspective for that night 's entry , but Abby had different ideas . Now that things have calmed down a bit here 's a view of Abby 's perfect world Disclaimer : It seems that the better Abby feels , the worse I do . Thankfully , the cold that had been brewing for a few days waited until all the excitement was over to come out and dance a spritely jig on my head and chest , so I guess I should be thankful that I wasn 't feeling this miserable while sitting in the ER . Having said that , I will ask that you excuse any spelling , punctuation , or communication issues in tonight 's post . Today I could tell that Abby was feeling better , because today was when her sass came back . Not to say she was bad , she just seemed to recall a bit more of her spunk . Here are some examples : These are just some of the conversations from today , and like I said , she had her very sweet moments as well . Like when the toys Jason ordered yesterday came and she yelled , " Thank you Dada ! It 's Christmas ! " , or after each bout of my hacking cough she would ask me , " Okay , Mama ? " Yes , her sweetness hasn 't gone anywhere . Despite the fact that there were a few times when I had to get to " two " with her , I was happy to see her " spit and vinegar " return , because it told me she was on the mend . She also began using her right hand a bit more today , instead of keeping it close to her chest - another good sign of healing . In a day or so we 'll be able to pull back the bandage and see what 's there . For now we get another day home tomorrow for some much needed rest . Around my house your birthday was something very special . You got to choose the dinner for the evening , you got to do whatever you wanted ( within reason ) , and you got gifts . I let Jason know when we got married that this was one tradition we would continue , I even gave them a special name : " Birthday - Days " . There was even one Christmas when I gifted Jason with a coupon book filled with enough coupons for him to have one a month . The real point of them is that the whole day is dedicated to you - and they are wonderful . Today Abby got an undeclared Birthday - Day - she deserved it after the day she had yesterday . Today began with Jason running to the store to stock up on all kinds of Abby goodies . He got yogurt , pineapple , a Winnie the Pooh cup and a Princess Belle cup , peanut butter eggs , popsicles , and even a couple of new movies . Since Abby was still a bit groggy , she and I snuggled in bed a bit longer . While we laid there we got talking about yesterday . I asked if she remember the bubbles . See , the wonderful staff at Mott even could make going off to surgery fun . I got to put on a wonderfully stylish white jumpsuit with a lovely blue hair cap and a charming mask - and since there are no pictures I will tell you that it was all quite fetching on me . Abby was fascinated that Mom was playing dress - up and she wanted her own outfit . Luckily , they had a cute little " dress " for her , that even had clowns on it . She was a bit hesitant to climb up onto that rolling bed with me . She had learned earlier in the evening that scary and painful things happened on beds like that , but that 's when we pulled out the bubbles . She was game then . We told her we were a bubble train , and they wheeled us into surgery with me blowing bubbles the whole way . I was surprised to hear that Abby remembered all of this . Along with the bubbles , she remembered that while in the operating room one of the doctors put Dora on the monitor for her to watch and that she got the special mask - the one that wasn 't like everyone else 's . I remembered everything in sharp detail , like the look of panic she sent me as the anesthetic began to take effect , and the nurses transferring her limp little body from my arms to the operating table , and walking out of the room - leaving my little girl in the hands of a team of nurses and surgeons , but I didn 't expect her to remember quite so much . Flashes of memories from yesterday came to me throughout the day today , so when she asked for another popsicle ( after she 'd already had three ) I gave it to her . Still fresh in my head was the picture of her beautiful eyes looking into mine as five adults struggled to hold her down so they could see her hand . I saw her clearly as she fought them with all of her might , and screamed so hard that she broke numerous blood - vessels in her face . I wanted to give her the whole box of popsicles . I don 't know if she sensed that extra love that oozed out of us today , but all day she was in a wonderful mood . The only time she got cranky was when her pain medication began to wear off . She even wanted to get dressed up , in her pretty red dress , for her special visitors today . Mrs . D from my school came by to drop off a gift for the patient ( The Muppet Movie complete with movie munchies ) , and Abby 's teacher who came by to give her the cards the class made for her , and a small gift from herself . That 's when it took all I had to hold it together . Seeing the darling cards her class had worked so hard to make , and the long hug that her teacher gave her brought home the fact that Abby was missed , and there were many people that were concerned for her . Tonight 's post will be short and sweet . We have had a rather rough day - Abby most of all . For those of you who didn 't know we began the day with a visit to the pediatrician and ended up at the University of Michigan 's Mott 's Children 's Hospital where Abby underwent hand surgery . It seems that things were a bit worse than the doctor 's last night told us . See once the surgeons got in there they found that Abby had : an open fracture , two lacerations across her nail bed , and another one that cut deeply into her finger tip . Those things needed to be fixed before they could put her nail back on and tack it down with a couple of stitches . In other words , she needed a bit more than a good soak and a couple of band aids . I will never doubt my " Mother 's Gut " again . God gave it to me for a reason . I will trust it , and I will act upon it . As a teacher , whenever I call a parent during a school day , the first words out of my mouth after I 've identified myself is always , " Don 't worry , your child is okay . " I am always aware that an unexpected call from your child 's school can immediately quicken a mother 's heart and send her into panic mode . So , when I heard my phone buzzing this afternoon and saw that it was Abby 's school calling , I tried to calm that immediate fear response , after all she 'd been fighting a cold , maybe she was just too sick and needed to come home - that wasn 't the case . I heard the hesitation in the secretary 's voice as she identified herself . I think that 's when I began packing up my stuff . As I stuffed my computer in my bag and grabbed my keys I heard her say that Abby had cut her finger - that it was bleeding badly - that I needed to come . I told her I was on my way as I grabbed my purse from my closet . I vaguely heard my class asking me questions like , " Are you leaving ? " and " Who 's watching us ? " I think I told them I had to go and that the principal would be down in a minute , but they were all okay , none of them were bleeding - Abby was , and getting to her as quickly as I could was all I could think about . I passed the principal on my way down the hall and gave him a quick explanation of what was going on . It took me 11 minutes to get to her . I won 't soon forget the look on her face . She was surrounded by support staff in the school office and they were tenderly hold gauze to her hand . As soon as she saw me her little face crumpled and big tears began to flow . She had been so brave , but Mom was here . I knew it was bad when they worked to distract her so they could show me her finger . The first sight was horrifying . Her finger was coated in blood and I could clearly see that her fingernail was no longer where it should be , but I couldn 't tell if her fingertip was . Apparently she 'd been in the bathroom and put her finger down the floor drain . Their theory was that she must have tripped and pulled her finger out when she fell . We gauzed and taped it back up and I carried her out to the car . We were on our way to the hospital . That 's when she started calling for Jason . Mom was there for hugs and kisses , but now things were getting scary , and so she needed Dada . I was trying to get in touch with him as I made a mad dash for the hospital . I finally got the confirmation that he was on his way , and he 'd meet us there . I think she made everyone 's heart ache in the ER as she cried and called for her Dada . There was quite a line to check in , and thankfully the nice gentleman in front of me let us go first . I won 't go into the hospital experience , or how those that we were counting on to give us the most information and help didn 't , but I will say there were some very sweet nurses who were trying to make Abby as happy as possible . They brought the ER dog around for her to keep an eye on , and even gave her a popsicle at one point . She waved to everyone and I could hear people walking down the hall saying , " She 's so cute ! " And she was - when everyone left her alone , but if they needed to look at her finger that 's when the problems started . It 's understandable , she was scared and she knew that she was hurt , she didn 't want anyone getting anywhere near that hand . Unfortunately , they wanted x - rays , to make sure that nothing was broken or lodged in the finger . After much yelling , screaming , and fighting we were able to get some images . The doctor ( without getting a clean look at the finger - mind you ) declared that it didn 't need stitches , just some Band - Aids and then home . What ! ? ! Her finger was still oozing blood ! At this point though , after hours of sitting in a post - triage holding room , we 'd given up . After getting home she had some dinner and then we knew what we had to do - we had to get her to clean her finger and hand . We tried to make it fun , Jason and I even sat on the edge of the tub and sang songs while she slowly sank into the warm water . Finally , Jason just held her hand in the water and worked at getting it clean . It was then that we noticed there were cuts all down her finger , along with the nail nearly off . It became apparent that she had gotten her finger stuck , and that she 'd worked to free it , cutting it as she did so . We were finally able to bandage it , and she soon fell asleep - exhausted from the day . Tomorrow we head to her doctor to see what can be done about it and to make sure that it will heal well . For now , I 'm off to cuddle with my little peanut - I think we both need that tonight . Today was one of those days when " Elizabeth the Person " was at odds with " Elizabeth the Mama " . Some of you may completely understand what I mean by that . One of the most difficult adjustments for me to motherhood has been the fact that I am no longer in charge of what I do with the bulk of my time . That sounds very selfish , doesn 't it ? But , if I am being honest , there are days when I struggle with this . Today was one of them . Of all the days though , this was probably one that I have the least to complain about in that regard . We got up early , with Abby looking forward to Sunday school , where she would see her friends , and sing and dance . We got ready in plenty of time and even left home in enough time to pick up a yummy donut for her and a extra large coffee for me . Abby had a blast playing hide - and - go - seek with some of her buddies , and painting a pot at Sunday school . From there , Abby continued playing in the nursery while I went to church and enjoyed a wonderful service . The sermon was beautifully presented - about finding peace of all things . Abby didn 't even give me any trouble when it came time to leave , she happily said thank you and good - bye to Mrs . D in the nursery and bopped out to the car . We hit a snag when we realized that the pizza place we were going to for lunch wasn 't open yet , but I remembered we had everything at the house , so Abby and I came home to make our own pizza . Sure , she only wanted the pepperoni , but luckily we had extra , so there were no issues there . I think my rumblings started when I sat down to do some knitting . It seemed I would just get into the pattern and Abby would need something , more pepperoni , different clothes , something else on TV , no more TV , play with the iPad , draw a picture , more milk , and on and on it seemed to go . I 'm not proud of the fact that my patience had run out . It didn 't help that the last few days I 've been fighting a cold , and a morning filled with a hacking cough just compounded the headache that was brewing . By the time poor Jason got in from mowing the lawn it just took one look at me for him to suggest I go take a nap - he didn 't have to tell me twice . After a good two hours , I was doing better , but then I heard " Elizabeth the Person " whisper , You know , there was a time when you didn 't have to schedule a nap , and not feeling satisfied she pushed further , a time when you actually got to finish a hot meal , when you didn 't have to get up once to get something for someone . There was a time when you were able to watch whatever you wanted - whenever you wanted , a time when you could do whatever you wanted , a time when your time was your own . I 'm sorry to say that today I bought it , hook , line , and sinker . My poor attitude fed my irritation with the fact that Abby wanted a bath , when I needed to get some laundry done . It shortened my patience when I discovered that Abby thought the new roll of toilet paper I 'd just gotten for her would be a great bath toy . I found that I was even irritated when I had to sit quietly and wait while she finished playing in the tub ( sans t . p . ) . Now , " Elizabeth the Mama " is one sharp cookie . She didn 't lay on the guilt trip for all my crabbiness , no , she knew that Abby would steer me right , and sure enough , she did . It was after her bath , while she was wearing her Christmas dress from two years ago , that she began to so sweetly sing Winnie the Pooh songs - and I melted . Abby then invited me to a charming tea party , followed by the chance to help Pocoyo and her pirate puppet have a sword fight . Abby had so effortlessly charmed the selfishness right out of me . I certainly think it is important for every mother to have time to themselves , time when they can be pampered and when the only one they need to take care of is them , but sometimes I fixate on the hard parts of being a mom . I forget how much emptier my life was before we had Abby . Yes , my house was cleaner - yes , I was more rested - yes , my time was my own , but I can 't for the life of me remember what I did with that time - it wasn 't memorable . True to form , as I sit writing , all I can remember is Abby 's sweetness as she asked me to dance , or her soft warmth as she cuddled with me on the couch this morning , and although I 'm looking forward to a quiet evening and I know my time to myself will be nice - it will never be as precious as those moments with Abby . One of the things I am the most proud of with Abby is her manners . Even before she was able to speak we made sure that we used courteous words with her . In fact , when teaching her sign language we very deliberately included " please " and " thank you " right from the start . It gives me a glow of motherly pride when a teacher or another parent will tell me things like , " Abby is so polite , she always remembers her manners , " or " Out of all the kids I gave a snack to , Abby was the only one that said thank you . " She has even expanded her mannerly vocabulary to include , " Bless you ! " when someone sneezes ( or coughs ) , and " excuse me " when she needs to sneak by someone , when she belches , or when she . . . . well , we 'll just leave it at : she knows when she needs to excuse herself . Now , she isn 't perfect , and she certainly needs prompting from time to time , but overall her manners have become pretty well ingrained in her . I thought of all this today as she was pleading with me to produce some pizza for her dinner . She wanted some cold pizza and she kept telling me , " Pleeeeaaaasssse , Mama ! " over and over ( and louder and louder ) . I continued to tell her that I didn 't have any pizza , that I couldn 't make it magically appear . I had to laugh when she let out another pitiful " please " because I realized then that it isn 't quite the magical word that everyone claims it is . Finally , in exasperation , I opened the fridge and told her to look and see if she could find any cold pizza there , if only to prove to her I wasn 't keeping it from her . She stood there for several minutes , bent over and saying things like , " Mmmmm . . . . . let 's see here , " while she tried desperately to find what she was looking for . Finally , she must have seen something that sparked the promise I 'd made to her this morning , because she suddenly turned to me with another option - pancakes ! Today was IEP day , or " Individual Education Plan " day for those of you who are not familiar with educational mumbo - jumbo . This is the day when we meet with all of Abby 's teachers and the support staff that work with her , to discuss her progress thus far , and create goals and plans for next school year . Imagine a parent - teacher conference on steroids . These things always stress me out . Maybe if I set the scene you 'll see why . The play takes place in a large conference room , with an imposing wooden table in the center , around which are several chairs . All the teachers are seated at various positions around the table with large stacks of papers in front of them . The TC ( Teacher Consultant ) is armed with a formidable computer , she is alternately typing and checking paperwork . Two chairs are left open across from all the others , for the parents . Those seated around the table are talking softly and riffling through paperwork , but stop abruptly when the parents are ushered in by the secretary . Now , having been on the " teacher side " of the table , I know that there is no intention of putting parents on guard , or making them feel uncomfortable , in fact , it is just the opposite , but whenever this meeting approaches I can 't help but get anxious about what they will tell me . See , early on , for the first few meetings we had with the specialists that worked with Abby , I came in feeling so very positive . I was excited to hear what they would tell me . In my opinion she was doing wonderfully . She was beautiful and strong , and excelling beyond my expectations , but then they began comparing her to " typical " children . They gave her tests and evaluations that " typical " children would get and then told us where she fit in the scheme of things . They wrote down her " deficiencies " in black and white , using formal and clinical language to describe our miracle . Jason and I both left those meetings depressed and disheartened , and it was all I could do to save my tears for the car ride home . Despite the fact that the meetings have vastly improved , the old fears are not forgotten so easily . Today , due to a meeting Jason was unable to attend Abby 's IEP , I was determined that I would be just fine . Of course my anxieties got a hold of me , but this year I tried to move beyond them . I remembered that Abby has done so well , and we have been thrilled with all that she has learned . I couldn 't imagine that everyone else wouldn 't feel the same - still , I was on guard as I approached the school . I 'm happy to say that today 's meeting was nothing like the others I 've described . Sure , we sat around a big wooden table , but what made the difference was that for the first time those gathered made me feel like a part of the team . It was less of a formal meeting , and more of a chance to share the wonderful strides that Abby has made this year . We swapped funny Abby stories and charming Abby moments , at the same time talking about ways that we might help her both at school and at home , and the only time I got teary was while thanking them all for their hard work and all that they do for us . Since Abby has been able to recognize the moving pictures on the screen she 's loved to watch T . V . Most of the time she is watching movies ( and singing , and dancing , and acting , and . . . ) and she will stick with one movie until it grows old , and then move on to another . I can probably quote word - for - word such movies as , Shrek , Monsters vs . Aliens , Toy Story ( 1 , 2 , & 3 ) , Coraline , Tinker Bell , Kung Fu Panda , Journey to the Center of the Earth , and several others . In fact , since she 's gotten past her Wiggles phase ( something I am daily thankful for ) , she has primarily stuck to watching movies - that was until she found The Mighty B . For those of you who might be unfamiliar with The Mighty B , it is a cartoon about a young girl named Bessie Higginbottom ( isn 't that a great name ? ) who belongs to a Girl Scout - esque troop called The Honeybees . Bessie 's goal in life is to earn all the Honeybee badges ( which is over 4000 ) , at which point she believes she will become a great super hero - The Mighty B . Pretty crazy , right ? Right , but Abby loves this show . Abby will gleefully reenact the adventures of Bessie and her trusty dog , Happy , all the while letting out great belly laughs at Bessie 's crazy antics . This show even inspired one of her Christmas gifts this year . In one of Abby 's favorite episodes , Bessie turtle - sits for her friend Millie when she goes on a trip . We thought it would be great to get Abby her own " Chester Turtleton " . So we did . Now , you may wonder : Why is she going on and on about this crazy show ? Well , I realized today that her love of this show is yet another way that I see her growing up , that her humor is maturing . I was listening to her today as she watched Mighty B and I heard her exclaim , " Eeewww , that 's gross ! " and then let out a laugh . I am surrounded by kids every day that find " gross " stuff hilarious , and Abby is well on her way to becoming one of them . It almost makes me long for the days when we 'd sing about " Hot Potatoes " or doing the " Wiggle Groove " . . . . . almost . Unless you are connected to someone who has Down syndrome you probably weren 't aware that today was World Down Syndrome Day , were you ? Can you guess why today , of all days , was chosen ? I won 't leave you scratching your head for long . See the " technical " term for Down syndrome is " Trisomy 21 " in reference to the fact that those with the most common type of Down syndrome have an extra 21st chromosome ( 3 instead of 2 - that 's where the " tri " comes in ) . Therefore , March 21st ( 3 - 21 ) is a perfect day to celebrate ( as one friend of mine so wonderfully puts it ) those with designer genes ! It was becoming clear , even though we didn 't get any confirmation as to which one of us gave Abby the extra chromosome , that the kid had a little extra of me in her . Once my fears about connecting to her were blown away , I began thinking about her future . Would she have friends and be accepted by her peers ? These are just a few of my fears and misconceptions , but with her track record I have no doubt that she will surprise everyone ( even me ) with what she can do and what she 'll accomplish . I have learned to expect great things from our little Abby . My prayer is that the next time you see someone who may seem a little different , or look a little unique , you 'll remember that they are much more than you might ever expect . I believe I 've mentioned before that Abby loves to be outside , and that once she is there it usually takes a significant bribe to get her back inside . Yesterday , as Abby was tooling around on her bike and overseeing the grilling of the burgers , I needed something quick and effective to get her indoors . So , I told her that if she was good that we might be able to go for a walk after dinner . Eventually that got her moving , but she remained a bit obstinate while we were eating . I mentioned to Jason that taking a walk in her present mood might not be the best idea . He agreed . Thinking that she would forget about it , we happily ate our burgers and began cleaning up . That 's when I heard Abby ask , " Mom , time for walk now ? " Oops ! I tell you , the kid has the memory of an elephant . I was able to put her off by telling her that maybe we would go for a walk tomorrow after school . Now , she doesn 't have such a good memory that she would remember yesterday 's promise , but as we were sitting at the table after school today I was feeling guilty , so I brought it up , and as expected she was game . Not planning to go far , incase she decided to quit on me half way through , we headed out . I 'm happy to say that she did a great job - she didn 't get off her bike once , and kept up a steady pedal the whole way . In the end it became a rather enlightening walk , for it was while we were out in the beautiful sunshine that I couldn 't help making an obvious comparison . See , along with chatting about the very nice day , Abby kept asking me over and over again , " Mom , where are we going ? " and my response was always the same , " We 're going for a walk . " After about the fifteenth time she asked me I finally said in exasperation , " Abby , we 're not really going anywhere . . . well , we are , but this is one of those things that is more about the journey than about where we end up . " That 's when it hit me - how much Abby and I are alike . There are so many times when I ask God that same question , over and over , especially when it comes to Abby . Where are we going to send her to high school ? What about college ? Will she be living on her own someday ? What about a job for her ? How are we going to make sure she can be independent ? Good heavens - is she going to get married ? How am I going to prepare her for all of this ? They may sound different on the surface , but in essence they are all variations on the same question : God , where are we going ? It was in that moment , while pushing her around a corner , that I felt a little tap on my shoulder , and I could envision God smiling and saying , " Elizabeth . . . this is one of those things that is more about the journey , than about where we end up . " From there my mind was making connections right and left . When we would hit bumps and Abby would say , " Whoa , it 's bumpy ! " I would agree and then warn her as we approached more bumps in the road . Even though God hasn 't always warned me that there would be a rough road ahead , He has certainly made sure that I was prepared to deal with it when it came . Then the road steepened , and I had to work more and push her harder , all the while reminding her , " Keep pedaling Abby . Don 't make me do all the work . " Sure , I was doing the lion 's share , but I wanted her to know that she was a part of it too . I gave her the encouragement she needed to keep on going when it got tough . I suspect that there have been ( and will be ) many hills that God is pushing me up and gently reminding me to keep pedaling . When we finally arrived back at home Abby pointed at our house and let out a happy yell , " There it is ! " We 'd arrived at the end of our journey - safe and sound . We were just where we were supposed to be . Can you see where I 'm going with this one ? Yes , God will direct our path , and make sure that we are just where we need to be - just when we need to be there . Today was one of those lovely days when not much really happened . After Abby broke down in sad tears after Sunday school , and continued in her teary state the whole ride from church to home , I realized we all might need some rest and quiet . Unfortunately , Abby doesn 't do " rest and quiet " so well - or at least how I envision it . Still , she needed some time at home to just hang out , and that 's what we did . So , instead of boring you with how very little we accomplished , I will just give you the award worthy moments of the day . When Abby got done with her snack she came to me and said , " Play with me , Mom . Pleeeeeease ! " So we played a card game , which lead to a charming tea party , complete with pretend pancakes . Taking car trips with Abby are always an adventure . It 's tough for such a " live wire " to be contained for much more than an hour , and even that 's pushing it some days . It usually helps , though if she is going to one of her favorite places . Luckily , today we were . I have been in desperate need of a haircut for quite some time , but this usually takes some planning since the only person I really trust to take a scissors to my hair lives a good two hours away ( she really does a great job ) . We typically make a family outing of it by stopping off at my in - laws , which is about half way . So , this morning , before seven we all trotted out to the car and buckled up to head to Nana and Papa 's . Abby , who was still garbed in her p . j . 's , was is a super mood , happily chatting away about going to see Nana and Papa . It was just after we 'd been in the car for about ten minutes that she announced she was hungry . We were still in town , and had planned to pick up some bagels to bring with us , so this wasn 't a problem . What she asked for was though , she wanted french fries and a shake . I explained to her that those things aren 't served at the crack of dawn , but she might be able to get a muffin instead . She wasn 't really down with that so she made another suggestion : birthday cake . I figured that going into the fact that a muffin and cake weren 't too far off wasn 't worth it , so I told her that would work . I heard her make a clicking sound from the back seat and then she told me that she was ready - because she 'd put on her birthday hat . This was about the time she started commenting on Jason 's driving . We would hit a bump and hear a loud , " Woah ! " from the back . She had wanted her booster seat in the middle of the back seat , and this afforded her a wonderful view of the road ahead of us . It was after about the third , " Woah ! " that she added , " Look out , cars ! " We weren 't sure if she was warning Jason , or the others on the road that we were coming . We thought that by getting her some breakfast it might cool off the comments from the back , but they just kept coming . It was around a big bite of chocolate chip muffinette that she warned Jason to be careful as he got on the highway because , " There 's a big truck ! " Breakfast kept her occupied for a short while , but then she was ready for some serious jams . Now , Abby tends to take after her father when it comes to her choice of music , it is rather . . . . eclectic . Let me share with you her song choices of this morning : " Be True to Your School " - The Beach Boys ( To which she insisted she needed her pom poms . Since we didn 't bring them the pretend red and pink ones I handed her worked well . - Whew ! ) With each of the songs she broke out her best moves - entertaining us so much that at one point she stopped and said , " Mom . Dad . Settle down ! " Thusly chastised , we contained our amusement for the rest of the trip . I 'm happy to say we arrived safely , and Nana and I went off to get our hair done as the boys watched out for Abby . By the texts I was getting I anticipated the tired bunch that I came home to , so we packed up quickly and headed back for the hour drive home . While Jason dozed beside me , exhausted from the games of baseball , chalk drawings , playing in the yard , errands , and two baths that Abby had required , Abby and I belted out some Disney Princess Christmas carols . I 'll bet we were the only ones on I - 94 that were singing about having a holly jolly Christmas in 78 degree weather . This year is the first year since Abby was 3 , that she is out of my sphere for the whole day . I was spoiled that the last few years I could pop down the hallway of the school where I teach and spy on her through the window of the preschool or child care doors . I also could see her strut up and down the halls as she went from her classroom to the playground , or to some other part of the building . Granted , I was always hiding in some doorway , lest she see me and want to come back to my classroom with me , but I did get to see her . I tell you , she walked around our little school like she owned the joint - waiving to her many fans and popping into various classrooms just to say , " Hi ! " She was in a place that I was very familiar with , surrounded by people I knew , and I felt very , very comfortable - so did Abby , which was one of the reasons that when it came time for all day kindergarten we chose to send her somewhere else . Now , the main reason that we looked elsewhere was that she could get more support for what she needed at the public school . As a small private school we are just not equipped for the extra attention that Abby needed . It was a tough decision , but as the year has progressed we 've realized how right that decision was . She has grown and matured with the help of her teachers and the school community there . She also has gained a measure of independence that is very good for her . As hard as it was for me to let go ( college is going to be impossible ) , I know it was for her good . Due to the fact that she is in a place that is new to us , I wanted to make sure that I made the extra effort to make myself known to her teachers and classmates . One way I do this is to pick her up from school each Friday . Luckily , her school gets out a half hour later than mine , so this affords me just the right amount of time to zoom out and get her . I look forward to this every Friday . The best part of the whole thing is watching her at the moment she realizes I am there . I tell you it immediately takes away any lingering tiredness from the week , it instantly makes me feel lighter and brighter . It usually begins with her staring intently at me , as if she is thinking , Wait , is that who I think it is ? Then it hits her , and that is great . She yells out , " Mama ! " and comes barreling toward me to hurl herself into my arms . In that instant , the joy on her face at the fact that I am at her school is priceless . It makes me feel so special . After a happy hug , her little hand locks into mine . Usually , when we are out and about , and Abby and I are walking together , I am the one with the death - grip on her hand . I am never quite sure when she is going to see something that interests her and take off . This is not the case on Fridays . On Fridays Abby holds onto my hand as if she is afraid I will disappear . There isn 't much better than that soft little hand tightly gripping mine . Today was just the same , and it was wonderful . She must have been feeling secure that I wouldn 't leave without her , because before we left she ran to give her teachers a hug good - bye and we headed to the door . Today though , I noticed something . As we turned to leave two older girls that were in the hall made it a point to say good - bye to Abby , and Abby being Abby said , " See ya ! " with a wave . It made my day even brighter because I realized that not only did the other kids see her , but they liked her . I know she is wonderful and likable , but I also know how kids operate , and I know they cannot always be accepting of differences in others . Something so simple , said so much . After leaving school we made one more stop before heading home - pizza ! It now seems a given that once we leave school we stop at the pizza place for Abby 's favorite meal . By the time we got home Dad was there to greet us . Bruiser made a mad dash to the car to give us a happy hello , and we all headed into the house . We quickly got settled for our pizza dinner , a celebration which marks the beginning of the weekend . Once upon a time there was a young couple who had a very special little girl . This young couple loved her with all of their hearts , and always wanted what was best for her . So , they read and studied about the ideal ways to help her grow into the wonderful , strong girl they knew she could be . Understanding that they did not always know what was best for her , they sought help from many experts , who gave them advice on how to play with her to make her strong and smart . So , the young couple listened to them , and continued to learn , all the while watching their beautiful little girl grow bigger and stronger . Soon though , this young couple began thinking more and more about ways they could protect their little gift . They knew she was already getting the best care they were able to give , but they wanted some way to help shield her from those that might want to hurt her . They looked far and wide , and had many discussions about the qualities this " somebody " should have . They should be brave and loyal , they should be vigilant and on guard , and they needed to have the instinctive understanding that their little girl was special and in need of their particular care . Before long the young couple heard of such a creature . For reasons beyond her control , Annie needed a new home , somewhere where she would be loved and cared for , but also where she could have a purpose , for Annie was an intelligent creature who liked to keep her mind and body sharp . The young couple brought Annie home and introduced her to their little angel . The two soon became fast friends , and the couple watched in delight as Annie did her duty with confidence and care . They had found their protector . The little family grew older and had many adventures , and before they knew it several happy years had passed . It was then that the couple began to notice differences in Annie . She didn 't seem as healthy and strong as she once had , and when the blood ran red from her nose they knew something was not right . The couple brought Annie to doctors near and far , hoping they would find some way to help their precious family member , but as the days progressed nothing changed . Annie was not getting better . It was with heavy hearts , and many tears , that the couple reached a difficult decision . They had to say good - bye . The family never became comfortable with the quiet and emptiness that Annie left behind . They knew that they were missing an important piece in their lives , but the grief was too strong . They needed more time before looking for someone to fill that space . A year passed before the couple began talking about how they might fill the gap Annie had left behind - for they still felt their precious little girl needed the protection that only a soul like Annie could provide . Once again they began searching far and wide . They found many that were willing to take the position . Some were old and some were young . Some were big and some were small . None though , was a good fit for the family . Feeling a bit intimidated by his size and powerful voice , the family was unsure at first , but after a few moments of play , and a look into his beautifully intelligent , honey - colored eyes it gave them hope that this could be the one they had been looking for . A few days later Bruiser came to live with the little family . They both got used to each other 's differences and soon settled into a wonderful rhythm . The couple saw how patient Bruiser was with their not so little girl , and how joyously he greeted her each day . They smiled as their daughter cuddled with him and told him things like , " I love you , Bruiser , " and , " Good boy , Bruiser . I 'm so proud of you . " Once again the family felt complete and right . We have always been dog people . There have been very few years that we 've been married that we didn 't have a dog . Over the years we & . . . It has been quite a while since my last post . Life continues to be all kinds of crazy and days have a way of giving way to the next . Soon we . . . Once upon a time , not that long ago , a puppy was born . He was a sweet puppy with great big paws and beautiful golden eyes . Despite the gentl . . . |
Home stupidity Big Mouth Ch . 01 March 11 , 2013 | Author sexstory They say there is a fine line between the emotions of love and hate . Supposedly it 's even documented that a person can swing back and forth and at times experience both emotions at the exact same time . Up until six months ago I would have said that was impossible , but no longer . Right now there is a damn war going on in my head . I 'm going from loving to hating and back again to loving the same person , furthermore , I don 't have a clue which one is finally going to win out . I only know that it 's going to have to end soon because I can 't take much more of this . I want to feel normal again . I want to wake up from this nightmare , go to work , come home to my family , and live like most normal families live . However , no matter which way it ends up , those days are over . I just need to decide how much fight I have left in me . Well , one way or another Thursday is decision day and I 'm looking forward to it . I may end up with some resemblance of my past life , and for once I might get a good night 's sleep , I hope so anyway . Since I 'd drawn the short straw I was delegated to grab the next bucket of long necks from the refrigerator in the kitchen . It was about nine minutes until halftime and the college we 'd all attended was up three points after being behind most of the first half . They were in scoring position on the thirty - two yard line and no one wanted to leave the television . So , it was decided that the short straw would fetch the next round of adult beverages and snacks . You can 't very well watch the big game without a brew in your hand , can you ? Well , certainly not this hard - core alumni group . It was our monthly Saturday get together and everyone was having the usual good time . With Keith 's new fifty - two inch 3 - D flat screen with surround sound , it was almost like being there . In truth , probably better because of all the amenities and conveniences were here in his house , without having to deal with the crowds . It was Keith and Rhonda 's turn to host our little football party and they had gone all out . The only problem was the snacks that were piled high on the dining room table were all the things I wasn 't allowed to eat while on the diet my wife had put me on . " A few barbeque chicken wings won 't kill me , " I thought as I grabbed a couple when I saw no one was around , along with two jalapeño poppers that were filled with cheddar cheese . " Hell , it was the weekend and after eating salads and skinless chicken breasts all week , I deserve this , " I told myself . I re - filled the munchies platter for the guys before heading for the kitchen . All us guys had basically grown up together . We went to the same high school , college , and Keith and I even got the chance to play football there our freshman year . That was before realizing we just weren 't good enough , not to mention the exorbitant amount of time it took to be even on the taxi squad . Somehow after graduation , we all ended up living within a five - mile radius of one another . Now , years later we 're all married and still as close as we ever were . Roger and his wife , Beth , have one kid ; David and Sue just had their second and last as Sue put it , and Keith and Rhonda topped our group with three . Heather and I have two , Robert , six years old and Amy , four . We just celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago . Dinner , drinks , and a little love making while the in - laws took care of the kids made it that much more memorable of a night . I was almost to the kitchen when I heard the laugh . It was loud and high pitched . I knew without question whose it was . My wife 's laugh came from her toes and could usually be heard two rooms away . Even with the game blasting in the living room , I 'm sure the other guys even heard it . Our wives always seemed to congregate in the kitchen , drinking wine , gossiping , and no doubt comparing notes . I put the last popper in my mouth before quietly sneaking closer to the doorway to hear what was so funny . " Honey , I didn 't say he was bad , not anymore anyways . Hell , it took me the first five years to show him where it was and to properly train him on what to do with it . So if it 's anyone 's fault it 's mine . " They all got a big kick out of that one ; everyone that is except me . " Well , Roger may be a little shy and quiet around most people , but he 's an animal in bed , " Beth added , blushing . " I just wish he was you know , just a bit bigger , that 's all , " she said , showing how long she would like him to be with her hands . All the other wives told her they wished their husbands were that long too . " I 've got a little something in my night table that could take care of that problem for you , " my darling wife piped up . " It 's about ten inches long , silver , and hums like a motherfucker . When I 'm really horny and no one is around , I get Brian out and have the most mind blowing orgasms you can imagine . " Heather was sipping on her wine and fanning herself with a napkin . " You know what they say , no one can love you better than yourself . " " An ex - boyfriend , but by far the best lover I ever had . He was hung and knew just what buttons to push , boy did he ever . He could almost get me off by just looking at me . Damn , that guy sure knew how to please a woman . " " Now , if Steve and I are getting it on , and he 's not doing it for me , I think about my times with Brian and then even he can 't fuck it up . " " God damn , how much worse could it get ? " I thought , hearing all those snide comments she was making about our love life . Heather turned around to see what everyone was looking at and saw me . " Hi honey , is there something I can get for you ? " She said sweetly in her typical southern twang , smiling at me . " Don 't come home . Go to one of your sisters , your parents , or to fucking hell for all I care . But , under no circumstances come home , if you know what 's good for you . " With that I turned around and headed towards the living room and front door . I heard my name shouted out a couple of times while making my way through the house . Everyone from the kitchen caught up to me just as I hit the living room where all the guys were cheering about something . I didn 't have anything to cheer about . " Don 't you ever fucking touch me again , do you hear me ? " I screamed out , knowing my face must have turned ten shades of red . I 'd lost total control of my emotions , but who would have blamed me ? I left a room full of shocked people and headed for my car with Roger in hot pursuit . I guess in my frame of mind , he didn 't want to take any chances of me damaging his hot new red Lexus . Everyone was on the front lawn watching as I pulled out , heading for home , which was only about three quarters of a mile away in the next subdivision . I was so angry I was shaking , sweating buckets , and calling Heather every ugly name I could think of . These weren 't just some casual acquaintances . I 'd known most of these people for almost twenty damn years . What was she thinking ? Here was the supposed love of my life stabbing me in the fucking back , telling them what a horseshit lover I am and how fucking great Brian had been . If Brian was so fucking great why didn 't she marry him ? That 's right , Brian was a fucking loser who treated her like shit , but I guess not inside the bedroom . I never liked him and now I had another reason to hate his guts . For once , walking into an empty house was a welcome relief because I sure as hell didn 't want to talk to anyone . My brain still felt fried , and I needed to try and somehow get control and calm down . Pacing back and forth through the kitchen and living room , the first beer went down in just three long gulps and the second only lasted a few seconds longer . I looked at the third and last one in the refrigerator , debating whether or not to open it . Then I remembered the comment Heather made about Brian - I opened it . My cell rang nonstop until I finally turned it off . When Heather couldn 't get me on my cell , she started in on the house phone . I let the answering machine pick up the first couple of messages . " Steve , it was a damn joke ! Come back and pick me up so we can talk . " The phone and the answering machine both hit the kitchen wall about the same time . A fucking joke ? It sure as hell was , but the joke was on me . We 'd just celebrated nine years , and I would have staked my life on the fact that I 'd rung every bell she had that night . Guess I didn 't , or was she thinking about Brian again ? I got even more pissed if that was at all possible . Beer number three bit the dust . With the previous two I 'd consumed before this nightmare began , I had reached my limit , anymore and I 'd be in uncharted territory . I wasn 't much of a drinker or hadn 't been for the last ten years , Heather saw to that . She said I was a stupid drunk , and if I was with her she wasn 't going to put up with it . So , five had been my daily limit , that is until tonight . With a tall rum and diet Coke , no leaded soft drinks in our house since the start of my diet , I went upstairs to our bedroom to look for ' BRIAN ' . It looked like Brian had brought his dad and Uncle Leroy with him , because what I found was not one but three toys in her night table 's bottom drawer , a silver , a red , and a black one . Shocked doesn 't even describe what I was looking at . They ranged in size from large , to extra large , to holy shit how did she get that black motherfucker in there . Underneath I found an assortment of lubricants one of which was even citrus flavored . It looks like there was a whole other world going on under our roof when I wasn 't around . Now I wished I was a lot drunker . I was going to stomp them all into oblivion . Instead , I gathered up all her friends and whatever else was in that drawer . I opened up our front door , lined them all up nicely on our front step for the entire world to see , then shut and locked the door . I knew she wouldn 't miss me tonight , I wasn 't so sure about Brian and his buddies . In the hour and a half I 'd been home I 'd managed to destroy our home phone and answering machine , safety chained all the doors , disconnected the garage door opener , gotten myself the start of a decent buzz , not to mention evicting her intimate group of friends from the house . Not bad for ninety minutes of work . Then my brain heard the doorbell ring over and over , followed by someone banging on our front door . " Steve , please , open the door , " I heard Heather pleading through the door . Looking out the living room window , I saw her on the front step . Beth and Roger were sitting in his car on the driveway . I opened the door but kept the safety chain on . " Heather , what the hell do you want ? I thought I made myself perfectly clear that I didn 't want to see you . " " Steve , I know you 're a little angry with me right now but you 've got to know I didn 't mean a word of what I was saying . I guess I had a little too much to drink . Please , sweetheart , open the door . We need to talk about this . " A little angry ? Holy shit , if this was only a little angry , I sure as hell wouldn 't want her to see me if I was totally pissed off . Memories of the movie Fargo and the wood chipper flashed through my mind . " Heather , just fucking leave , I 'm not going to talk to you , and I 'm sure as hell not letting you in the damn house . Why don 't you take Brian and his big buddies and go some place nice and quiet and fuck yourself . " I was done talking and slammed the door in her face . How long she , Beth , and Roger stuck around I 'm not sure . I went upstairs to what had been our bedroom and proceeded to puke for the next half hour . By the time I was done , there was nothing left in my stomach , and I think I saw a lung and part of my liver before I finally flushed . With some cold water on my face and a gargle of mouthwash , I walked into the bedroom and passed out on bed . Told you I wasn 't much of a drinker . Sunday morning was quiet , too quiet . It was almost nine before my brain kicked in and tried to get me to open my eyes . Our bedroom faced east and with the shades up and the drapes open , the sunlight was doing its best to keep me from sleeping any longer . My head hurt and the inside of my mouth tasted like something I 'd rather not think about . I awoke fully dressed , including shoes , on top of the bedspread . When I reached over for my wife and didn 't find her next to me , my brain graciously decided to remind me why not . I got pissed all over again . I knew Heather wasn 't a virgin when we married . I had been intimate with two girls before I met Heather , both those affairs being brief . I wasn 't overly experienced , however I never realized she had that much more experience or I was that lame . Maybe I should have asked for letters of recommendations from the two girls I 'd slept with to give to Heather . Looking back , I wondered if they would have sung my praises . I began to seriously doubt myself and my proficiency in the bedroom . What she had offered up , with such gusto yesterday , cut me to the core . She didn 't just put me down and shame me in front of our friends , she cut off my fucking balls and had them bronzed . Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I wasn 't sexually satisfying my wife . All these fucking years it looked like she 'd been faking it with me . What 's worse , she was fantasizing about being with someone else . The word humiliation doesn 't come close to describing what I was feeling at this very moment . How in the hell could I look my friends in the eye ever again after yesterday ? Goddamn , I hated her . She not only took my self - respect she took away my best friends . I knew Monday , after I left for work , Heather would have to come home and get into the house . She and my kids would need a change of clothes for work and school . I would have to prepare myself to deal with her after work , that is if I decided to come home . Monday I was worthless . For the first hour I just stared at my computer screen saver , a beach picture of Heather and me on our honeymoon . We sure looked happy . After that I found a few trivial things to keep me busy until lunch . I was grateful for a budget meeting and a conference call in the afternoon to keep my mind occupied . It was almost five before I had time to again dwell on my situation . My mind kept replaying Saturday afternoon and every time I thought about what she 'd said I got angry all over again . I knew we 'd have words , I just hoped it would be later rather than sooner because I had a ton of issues to somehow address . All the way home I prayed she wouldn 't be there . I wanted to see my children , but I didn 't want to get into it with her with them present . Oh well , I 'd soon see . I pulled onto our street . " Shit , " I said in disgust when I saw Heather 's car on the driveway . The kids were in the front yard and ran to my car when I pulled in . " Dad , we 're having make your own pizza tonight for dinner . Mom 's in the kitchen cutting up all the toppings and told us to tell you to go right in when you got home . I 'm going to make myself a garbage pizza with everything on it , " Robert said proudly . Amy stood by my side looking up at me . " Well , I 'd better get in the house and help your mom if we plan on eating dinner anytime soon . " I put Amy down . " You guys play nicely together outside and I 'll call you when everything is ready . " No use upsetting the young ones . How long had I been the stupid fool ? From what I 'd heard it sounded like most of my married life . She never said a damn word . If I 'd know we could have learned what she needed together and been brought that much closer . Now , all I felt was repulsion towards her . She 'd blindsided me . And I can only imagine what my friends thought of me now . My anger was bubbling over again . " I didn 't hear you come in , " she said , before spouting the same bullshit I 'd heard for the last couple of days . " I 'm so sorry , I must have gone brain dead Saturday . I don 't know what I was thinking . " I stopped her . " First of all , don 't try to bullshit me into believing you were drunk , because we both know you weren 't . Second , everything that came out of your mouth afterwards was nothing more than you trying to back pedal and put a new spin on what I heard you say . I 'm still in fucking shock . Who are you ? You 're sure not the woman I thought I married , that 's for certain . " She started walking towards me . " Heather , save your lies for someone who gives a shit because I no longer do . " Tears were welling up in her eyes , they did nothing to soften my mood . It was like I was looking at a total stranger instead of the woman who was supposed to be the love of my life . " Steve , it was just girl talk . You know comparing notes and slamming our husbands , it 's what wives do when they 're together . You must have heard Beth complaining about Roger , you 've got him beat by a mile . " " You mean we 're both losers ? At least Beth didn 't embellish on her description of her husband other than to say he was an animal in bed , only lamenting there wasn 't a little more of him . You , on the other hand , rated me less than adequate . Weren 't those your exact words ? " " You mean it 's fucking worse ? Jesus Christ , why the hell did you marry me if I was so fucking lame ? " My voice was getting louder and cracking . " Oh wait , that 's right , Brian wasn 't the marrying kind . He was good enough to fuck , just not marry . Isn 't that about right ? " " Pretty soon guys . Why don 't the two of you go upstairs and wash up ? By the time you come back down we 'll be ready to start making our pizzas . " They both ran up the stairs . " Sorry , you 've lied to me for ten years . I 'm done believing anything that comes out of your fucking mouth . " Tears started flowing again . Dinner wasn 't quiet as the kids experimented with different concoctions on their pizza . I wasn 't very hungry . Trying my best to put up a good front , I ate two small pieces . There wasn 't anything left in the house to drink , and even if there was I wasn 't going there tonight . I needed my wits about me for what was going to probably happen later . Everyone helped in the kitchen and by seven the dishes were in the dishwasher , the leftover food put away , and the kids had their dessert of chocolate chip cookies and milk . They and I headed for the den to watch a little television . There was no way I was going to get stuck alone with Heather again . She joined us a little later but sat on a chair rather than the couch with us . For the next hour she stared at me . I knew that look . I could almost see the gears turning in her head . She had tried the tears , since that didn 't work she was making plans for her next assault , but it wasn 't going to work either . I would have loved to have left and checked into a motel , only there wasn 't enough extra money for an extended stay , and I 'd miss my kids . We had a three - bedroom house , so there wasn 't a spare bedroom to go to . I started thinking about my options . We didn 't have a basement , and the garage wasn 't something I was going to even consider , that left the den . Because of the size of the room it only had a small couch and two overstuffed chairs . There wasn 't a chance in hell I could sleep on the couch , which left the blowup bed we kept on hand for overnight guests . My mind was going a mile a minute and I knew as soon as Robert and Amy went to bed Heather would start in on me again . I had to be prepared . " Honey , I 've tried to explain to you that it was all a stupid misunderstanding , and in no way do I find you inadequate . " The look on her face was that of someone pleading their case before the high court hoping against hope not to receive the death penalty . She knew she 'd screwed up big time . I grabbed the blow - up bed and headed for the den . " What are you doing with that ? " she asked , then realized what was happening . " Steve , come to our bed , we can work this out , " Heather said , grabbing for me when we hit the den . I turned , gave her an ugly look , she immediately removed her hand from my arm . " The only reason I 'm even in the house right now is because of Robert and Amy . If I had my druthers I 'd prefer sleeping at the Super 8 than in the same house with you , but I can 't see spending the money when I have a perfectly good alternative , " I said , watching the bed expand . " I told you Saturday that there is no way in hell I ever want to touch you again , or have you touch me . Just the thought of it makes me gag . Did you think I was fucking kidding ? " The anger spewed forth from me like vomit . " Look , keep it up and I will get my ass out of here . Heather , you disgust me and right now you 're fucking dead to me . " She stepped back at that statement and gasped . " You 've got your fucking toys and your memories of BRIAN to keep you warm at night so leave me the fuck alone . Wait , now that I think about it , I always wondered why some nights you were tight and others loose as a fucking goose , at least now I fucking know . So , if you don 't mind , I 'd like to get my new sleeping quarters set up . " I turned my back on her to put the sheets and a blanket on my new bed . When I turned around she was gone . I didn 't sleep much better Monday night than I had Sunday . I was still royally pissed and had more questions than answers . I thought we had a pretty decent love life right out of the blocks . I was average , but hell , most guys were as far as I could tell from the showers at the gym . I wasn 't going out of my way to compare myself to anyone there , maybe I should have . My ego up until Saturday wasn 't at all fragile because I was taking care of business - so I thought . Now I was second - guessing everything about our marriage . If she was lying about our love making what else wasn 't she telling me . I felt angry , jealous , and hurt that she never confided in me , and now I felt like I couldn 't trust her anymore . However , what had started creeping into my mind was the unthinkable , up until Saturday anyway . Was she or had she ever cheated on me ? I thought not , but now I wouldn 't stake my life on it . The rest of the week sucked . We didn 't even live like roommates because even roommates talked to one another . My anger had subsided somewhat , but I no longer looked on her as the love of my life . She was only the mother of my two children . Saturday morning the kids had cold cereal , I had coffee and toast . Heather never made her presence known until almost nine . I was just finishing up and mentioned I 'd left her coffee in the pot . I couldn 't read her reaction , although I wasn 't paying her much attention . I just wanted out of the kitchen , so I headed out to the garage to do something , anything to keep my mind off the matter at hand . I stayed away from her all the way up until dinner . I did hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill . Heather added the cold slaw and a bean salad . A dish of ice cream and a Netflix movie rounded out the rest of the night . Neither one of us really watched the movie . When she wasn 't watching me , I was watching her . She wasn 't happy and neither was I , though I didn 't have a clue what to do about it and wasn 't sure if I even wanted to . Once again I slept downstairs in the damn den . I played on the Internet with my work laptop even looking at a few risqué sites . I was still a healthy male even if I hadn 't had sex or so much as a kiss in over a week . Sunday through Wednesday I did on autopilot . We talked when the kids were present , but when they weren 't I ignored her as much as possible . Just being in the house together was damn hard . That wasn 't the only thing that was getting hard . Rick 's Tavern was over on Ninth Street , three miles away . It didn 't take me long to get there . David must have called from the bar because he , Roger , and Keith , were already half finished with their beers . " Set my friend up a Corona , will you ? " David told the bartender . I grabbed it off the bar and took a long draw off the bottle . " From what little I 've heard from Sue , I figured you might need to get out of there for a few hours . Things still a little tense on the home front ? " David inquired . " A lot more than a little tense . We 're together in the house , but apart in most regards . She has her bedroom and I have mine . The kids know something is going on . I 'm grateful they 're still too young enough to understand the bullshit going on . " " Heather opens up her mouth , words fall out , but I don 't believe ninety percent of what she 's saying . If I told you I never had a fucking inkling would you believe me ? Jesus Christ , now I don 't have a fucking clue why she married me . " The next swallow finished number one . The bartender brought a quick replacement . " Let 's be real , the only thing she regrets is getting caught . If I hadn 't been in the kitchen doorway I 'd still be the deaf , dumb , and blind Steve , still being led around by the ring in my nose . " My anger was bubbling up again . " Are you two still going to try to work it out ? " Keith asked once more . " Rhonda feels bad about the whole thing happening at our house , but says you should suck it up and get over it . I told her that if she 'd said that about me , I 'd be in fucking jail for spousal abuse . What don 't these women understand ? ' Roger downed his shot of whiskey and offered his opinion . " No wife should bad mouth her husband to anyone , especially in public . If she has a problem with him , she needs to talk to him , not her fucking girlfriends . Beth and I had words on the way home Saturday about the crack she made about the length of my you know what . It hasn 't changed in length one iota since she first met me . If she wasn 't satisfied with me way back , then why did she agree to marry me ? " " Damn straight ! " I shouted in agreement . " But at least Beth told everyone you were an animal in bed ; mine just said I was fucking lame . I guess over the last ten years she 'd perfected her lies so well that when told me I satisfied her I believed her . No more , " I told my friends . David was next to offer advice . " Well , don 't do anything stupid that can 't be fixed . Even though I know you 're still pissed at her , I also know you still care for her . I 'm just saying to give it time . Just don 't let Heather get under your skin or force you into something you 're going to regret later . " We drank , we bullshitted , they gave me more advice , and two hours later we were all heading back to our happy homes and wives . That is everyone but me . I didn 't consider Heather a loving wife any longer . " Well , you left in such a hurry I thought there might be something wrong . I 'm just glad you 're back . You know , if you want to talk , I 'm available twenty - four hours a day . " She smiled at me . No matter , it wasn 't like it was before . I didn 't sleep . Hell , I hadn 't had a decent night 's rest since this whole nightmare began . I would have given anything to go back to that Saturday afternoon and have picked the long straw . That way I wouldn 't have heard what was going on in that kitchen . So what if I would still be clueless , it would be a lot better than what I 'm currently going through . I would still love my wife to death and get a woody every time she gave me that come hither look . Now when she tries to give me that look , all I can think about is what are her real motives , can I satisfy her , and who is on her mind - that fucking Brian or me ? Damn I hate that name . The next three weeks , as slow as they went by , were something of a blur . I barely remember much of what happened around the house . I think I was starting to get used to our new normal . Heather still wanted this problem resolved and put behind us and was starting to push me to come back to what used too be our bedroom . I kept telling her I wasn 't ready , but like always she wasn 't listening . It wasn 't like I took Heather away from Brian , she dumped him after what I 'm told was an ugly weekend . We hung with the same large circle of friends in college . We knew each other by sight and name , other than that not very well . I thought she was hot from the first time I laid eyes on her . I had a thing for blondes and her shoulder length blond locks were the first thing that caught my attention . Then when I stared into her bright , teal blue eyes , I was hooked like a fifteen - year - old high school kid looking at the girl of his dreams . I was casually dating someone on and off at the time , but after seeing Heather I forgot all about her . I can 't say I was obsessed with Heather , only that I always found a way to talk with her whenever we were at the same party or other function . I would smile , put on the charm , and take whatever time I could get . That is until Brian started to feel neglected and pulled in the reins . Physically Brain and I were almost total opposites . Brian was tall , good looking , had a full head of long flowing dark hair , and usually sported two days facial growth . Most days you could find him at the gym , instead of class , proudly showing off his six - pack to every girl he came in contact with . To this day , I can 't remember him ever having his shirt totally buttoned up . I , on the other hand , am about five foot ten , with short brown hair , pretty average in most areas , and let 's just leave it at that . The other thing that set us totally apart was that I was smart and he wasn 't . I did say I was good looking , didn 't I ? I was in college to do one thing : graduate high enough in my class so I could get a good job and not struggle for the rest of my life like my parents had . Since neither one of them had gone to college , they wanted to make sure I had the opportunity they never got . There was no way I was going to let them down after what they sacrificed for me . So after giving up my pipe dream of being a football great I put all my effort into my studies . By the time I finished my junior year I had a four - point grade average . I was going places , at least I hoped so . Over that summer I had the opportunity to do an unpaid internship at a local marketing firm . At first I felt a little out of place being so young and inexperienced . After the first week I found everyone to be so nice I soon felt more at ease and part of the group . Did I have ground breaking ideas that set the firm on its path to instant success and riches beyond their wildest dreams ? Get a grip , this was the real world and I was a lowly intern ! My job was to keep my mouth shut , help wherever I could , and learn from people who had fifteen plus years experience , and learn I did . Most people work hard and some even go beyond what 's expected of them . However , no one I saw there was driven . They all had been there long enough that just doing their job kept them from getting fired , so they 'd become a little lackadaisical . Not me , I had something to prove . Although it took most of the summer , I did end up suggesting a few ideas I thought were a bit out of the box . They wanted me to stay until after the first of the year , but I told them I had a degree to finish and unbeknownst to me at the time , a girl to woo . " I did a marketing internship and worked part time at a printing company at night to save up enough for this year 's tuition . How about you ? Are you still seeing , what 's his name , Brian ? " I knew his name , but I was laying the groundwork for getting her to go out with me . " Too bad , I was going to ask to go with me to that jazz festival in the park down by the river Saturday . Cajun food , chilled wine , and good jazz , it 's going to be a fantastic night . " I 'd thrown the bait , oh so close , and I was just waiting to set the hook . " Pick me up at six and don 't go broadcasting we 're going together , okay ? " was all she said . " Steve , I 've got to get going , I 've class in twenty minutes . See you Saturday . " A kiss on the cheek told me all I needed to know . I didn 't even have to set the hook . Saturday night was fabulous , spectacular , wonderful , and a dozen other adjectives . I would need surgery to remove the smile from my face . We ate , drank a ton of wine , listened to the music , and strolled along the river walkway . I was the perfect gentleman even though I was hard most of the night . About eleven o ' clock we walked hand in hand back to her apartment . I didn 't get an invite in , but I did get a kiss with just enough tongue to let me know she 'd had a good time . One more peck on the lips and I was heading back to my parents ' house , weak in the knees , but with a smile on my face . I 'd gotten to first base . Heather was out of my league ; hell , she was out of almost everyone 's league . She was hit on constantly , but she 'd fallen for shithead hard and it would take everything I 'd learned about the two of them to win her over . All I had to do was to be was patient and present , and dickwad would cook his own goose . We went out secretly at least every other weekend . Forget dinner and a movie , that 's what everyone did . I made sure we did fun , out of the ordinary things . An impromptu picnic at the planetarium , a couple 's massage class , wine making , and an overnight dinner train ride were just a few of the activities I planned for us . On the train ride she ended up sleeping on my shoulder in the upstairs observation car while I inhaled every scent her body gave off . We were made for one another , and at five foot seven she fit perfectly in my arms when we danced . Although I 'd only caught a few glimpses here and there of her body , what I saw was more than okay with me . " No problem , I 'll just find someone else who wants to go . " This time I couldn 't even force out a smile . " Maybe we can go next time they 're in town . " She started to say something else but stopped herself at least twice . " Yeah , next time for sure . Look , I 've got to run , I 've got a million things to do . " I got a half ass kiss for my trouble , and then she was gone . Barb was known as someone who was easy when she was in the mood , a boyfriend stealer , and best of all ; Heather hated her with a passion . She 'd thrown herself at Brian on more than one occasion even while Heather was standing right there next to him . Guess who went to the ballet with me Sunday ? Barb was smart , articulate , and knew her ballet . We both dressed to the nines and had a fantastic time . I probably could have gotten lucky after taking her to dinner , but again I was the perfect gentleman . In the hallway in front of her apartment we kissed a bit , and indirectly I found out her ample breasts were real . I was invited in , and though I really could have used a little sexual relief I turned her down . Had I said yes , I don 't think I ever would have made it home that night . I was so damn horny my balls weren 't just blue , they were purple . Doing it with someone warm and soft to get a little relief was one thing , doing it with someone you cared about , that was something special , and that 's what I wanted . When Heather came back I all but ignored her the first part of the week . It didn 't take her long to find out I 'd taken Barb to the ballet , and when she saw me having lunch with her at the student union on Wednesday the look she gave me wasn 't very special . A couple of friends of ours told me that by Sunday Heather and Brian were doing nothing but arguing . When he called her a bitch , she slapped the shit out of him . Guess I had a much better weekend . " Don 't worry about Brian . You and I are going out Saturday and are going to have a great time , you hear me ? " Looking back , I should have picked up on how forceful Heather could be when she wanted something . Heather wouldn 't take no for an answer , even from me . After Saturday there was no more Barb , Heather saw to that . We were an immediate item , even out in public . Brian had done what Brian did best and now Heather was all mine , and I planned to keep it that way . Like I 'd said before , I was the fifteen - year - old boy that had gotten the girl of his dreams . I was stupidly crazy , and head over heels in love . Three weeks later , in the bedroom of her apartment , we made love for the first time . As excited as I was , I was a bit clumsy at first and thankfully didn 't lose it before we even started . I finally got it together , and by the end of the night we were the only ones that mattered . The next six months were something out of a wet dream . We spent so much time together you 'd think we lived together . I 'd finally gotten to see and taste every square inch of Heather 's fabulous body and thought I had finally found my soul mate . To my delight she turned out to be quite daring and we experimented trying most , but not all , of my fantasies . Flavored gels were something that Heather really got off on and if that 's what my girl liked , I was more than happy to oblige . We showed each other what we each liked and I did my best to make sure she was satisfied and happy every time we were together . Now that I think about it , was she that good of an actress or was I totally blinded by love ? I imagine a little of both . Looking back now , it was always me who was compromising . If she wanted a little oral or a massage , I gave it to her . However , if I wanted a little oral action she wasn 't quite as eager or in the mood a lot of the time . She repeatedly told me that she didn 't like doing it because I took too long and her mouth got sore , even though when I went down on her for up to a half an hour nothing was ever said about that . Just two months before I was going to graduate I proposed . I think she said yes before I even had a chance to finish asking . I had a great job already lined up , and since Heather was only two semesters behind me , we 'd soon start our working life together as husband and wife . Weddings are stressful and ours was no exception . She wanted the wedding of her dreams and that is what Daddy gave her . I was glad to see it over . We had talked about children , deciding we wanted to wait at least three years and be settled first . I was in love . I think that says it all . She was my life , and I was happier year after year . When our children were born I thought we became even closer . A year later I was promoted and was able to swing a home loan on just my salary . We couldn 't have been happier . I had a beautiful loving wife , a wonderful family , and a group of great friends to do things with . All in all a life most guys would be envious as hell for . How did it all go to shit ? " Steve , are we going to Roger and Beth 's this Saturday ? Everyone is bringing their kids so we won 't need a sitter . " I guess Beth didn 't want a repeat of last month 's fireworks , thinking that with our kids there I 'd be on my best behavior . " Sure , why not , " I replied almost anxious to get out of this house and see a few friendly faces for a change . " Just try and keep your trap shut this time around , will you ? " I knew it was a cheap shot , but I wanted to remind Heather she was the one that started this whole mess and it sure as hell wasn 't resolved yet . " Kids , if you don 't settle down we 're going home , you hear me ? " I was threatening them , knowing full well there was no way I was going back home . " Just sit quietly and we 'll be there in ten minutes . " I looked over at Heather who was watching my every move . She leaned over and whispered to me , " Please don 't embarrass us today . I know you 're still angry with me , but for the sake of our children please don 't get drunk or cause a scene . " She was pleading for an afternoon without any drama . Like always the guys were watching the game and the wives ? Well , they were somewhere else . This time instead of drawing straws to get the next round of drinks , Roger volunteered to go . I 'm sure no one wanted to see me go off on Heather again . It was a nice afternoon even though the tension was thick . The wives , like every other Saturday , huddled in the kitchen , the children played outside , and us guys continued to relive our college years through the football game . I and everyone else tried to keep things light , joking with one another to keep it from getting too serious . " Steve , you getting any yet ? " Keith asked in a crude sort of way . " Or are you still doing it by hand ? " He was snickering . " Don 't you think you should be asking Rhonda ? You know a gentleman doesn 't kiss and tell . " My insinuation brought on a lot of snickers from the rest of the guys , and more than a few catcalls and swear words . I was laughing as Keith called me an asshole saying I should be so lucky . " But to answer your question , " I said , looking around before I finished , " we 're still not back together yet . " " Talk 's cheap , " more than one of us told him . We all knew Sue , and there was no way in hell she would have buckled under even if she had been wrong , and David wasn 't one to push it . David himself was on the short side , at just over five feet six . Sue was about an inch and a half taller than he and to top it off also taught aerobics at the local gym . The woman could probably break his ass in half if she had a mind to . " You just keep thinking that , " I replied , trying to keep the conversation away from me . Our team lost by two points , still I had a pretty good afternoon . The only time we saw the wives was when they brought out the food and we all started eating . The kids were supposed to stop playing and eat , but like most kids they grabbed a few bites and were back outside . On the ride home I looked over at Heather who was staring out her side window twisting her hair . I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the kitchen that afternoon to hear what the wives were talking about . Most of the guys agreed I was right to be mortified by what Heather had said , but also didn 't have a clue how I could resolve my dilemma . That is , with the exception of David who thought I should talk it out and put it behind us . However , coming from someone who is as pussy whipped as he , it didn 't hold much credence . " I get sex at least four times a week without begging or even asking . Sue just whispers in my ear that she needs some loving and what am I going to say ? Honey , I 've got a headache ! Please ! I 'm going to take everything I can get , whenever she wants it . And if that makes me pussy whipped , well , lucky me . " He really is a prick sometimes . " Honey , you in the mood tonight ? You know , to talk ? " I knew what she was asking , and it had nothing to do with talking . " What the hell , " I thought . It had been a pretty decent day and what could she possible do to ruin it . I guess I was sliding back into my naïve and stupid frame of mind . So I shrugged and agreed . " Look , I know I 've said it a hundred times before , but I 'm so sorry about what I said . We were all trash talking about our husbands and I guess I got carried away . There is no way on earth you don 't sexually satisfy me . Believe me , I would know . " " Oh , I get it , " I said , watching Heather start to smile . " That 's when you fantasize about being with Brian or one of your other past lovers . Heather , if Brian is the silver one , who in the hell are the other two , especially the big black one ? I only wish that when you 'd used that one , you didn 't pretend to give me sloppy seconds . Thinking back , that really pisses me off now . " This , I guess , wasn 't the conversation Heather wanted to be having with me right now . " On the contrary , yes , you did . I just want to know if there were any others after we got engaged . All those nights you were studying at school for your midterms and finals , were you studying someone else ? " " Maybe I do sometimes . But be assured I sure as hell don 't do it while I 'm making love to my wife ! " I was angry all over again . " Steve , I love you . Can 't you get that through your thick skull ? I want more than anything to go back to the way we were before this all started . " " Heather , I also would like nothing better , only I can 't get it out of my damn mind what you so casually offered up to everyone . You keep telling me it was just trash talking , but now everything you say I question . Is she lying ? Is she telling me just what I want to hear ? Heather , I don 't have a clue how to get beyond this . " In my eyes she was still the most beautiful woman in the world . I fell in love with her the first time I laid eyes on her and every day thereafter I fell more in love with her . I just stood there as she peeled off her layers of clothing . I wanted her . I wanted to throw her ass down on that bed and ravish her body until she couldn 't move , and it probably would have worked until she opened her fucking mouth walking towards me . Those were the same words she said to me the night of our ninth wedding anniversary . That was the night I thought I 'd rocked her world and was the only man in her eyes . I wondered how many times she 'd said those exact words to Brian . I lost my erection and any hope of doing anything more that night . " Damn it , Steve , you 've got to try . It 's been a whole month since we 've been together . " She just couldn 't keep her mouth shut and let me deal with it . I turned around angrily . " We both know it 's been going on for a hell of a lot longer than a month ! Try ten fucking years ! I guess you should have been a better teacher . " That , my friends , was the shot heard round the world . It was a long , miserable night . She went out dressed in jeans , a casual top , and sandals , never telling me where they were going . I guess I could have called her cell , but what was the point . She was going out to have some fun , something she wasn 't getting much of at home . She and everyone else showed up at our house just after one in the morning . I don 't know who drove , but I hoped it wasn 't one of the three I saw in the living room . They were all pretty well wasted , and when I walked in the room it looked like they were attempting to call their husbands to pick them up . " See , I told you he was the nicest guy in the world , " Heather announced to the other two wives . " And if you 're wondering , I didn 't have sex with anyone tonight . You can ask them or check if you don 't believe me . " The other two also piped up that they didn 't have sex with anyone either . I poured all three into my car . I wanted Heather to stay home , but she would have none of that . Both lived within two miles and it took me all of ten minutes to drop them off on their doorsteps . It had been so long and she looked so damn good to me . Did I still love my wife ? Maybe , but I hated her just the same . It started with one kiss and exploded after that . Tonight , however , I wasn 't doing any of the work , Heather was all over me . Brian never entered my mind nor did anything but the woman riding me for all she was worth . I came once and immediately got hard again . This time I lasted a whole lot longer except she was oblivious to everything except getting herself off . After her second scream she rolled off to my right side and promptly fell asleep . I covered her up with a sheet . I went downstairs , poured myself a glass of wine cursing myself for being weak . There was no love making tonight , she used me as much as I used her to get off . True , it sure as hell felt a lot better than what I 'd been doing for the last six weeks . I just knew as soon as Heather woke Saturday morning she 'd think we 'd solved our problems , only we hadn 't . The kids were up , fed , and watching cartoons in the den before Heather even stirred . Though she had showered she still looked like warmed over death . Nonetheless came downstairs with a huge smile on her face . She had gotten off her chair and walked the three steps to where I was standing . With her eyes watering up , she reached out and pulled me in tight , crying on my shoulder . I may have been angry with her , but I wasn 't heartless . She did it to me again . Later that morning I lay there naked in bed next to her trying to remember just how she got me in this position yet again . This time however , it was my turn to shine . I literally tried to pound her ass into submission . If there was any chance we weren 't going to be together after all of this , she 'd remember this morning for the rest of her life , well , I hoped so anyway . I used lips , tongue , and all ten fingers to keep her up there for the better part of an hour . She refused me nothing . We did things I 'd always wanted to try and others we 'd never even talked about . I don 't think Brian , even on his best day , could have come close to what I 'd done that morning . Hell , even I was sore . Heather didn 't pass out afterwards this time , but she was still on her back trying to catch her breath . I hope the bitch walked bow legged for at least a week . My thoughts were interrupted by two sets of hands beating on our locked bedroom door . It was almost lunchtime and we were being summoned . I made grilled ham and cheese sandwiches , one of their favorites , and with a glass of milk and a bowl of chips they were happy once again . " Don 't talk with your mouth full , and no , your mom isn 't sick . She just had a late night and is taking a nap , that 's all . " If she didn 't get up soon I 'd have to go grocery shopping by myself , which is something I didn 't look forward to . Amy wasn 't bad , but Robert wanted everything he saw . He still didn 't understand that no means no . This time when Heather came down she was dressed . Even if she 'd come down nude , I wasn 't going to be baited into doing it again . Don 't get me wrong , after six weeks it felt wonderful , it wasn 't a husband and wife making love . We just fucked and took care of an immediate need that was all . Heather made it up to go to the grocery store . We looked like your typical happy family . We talked and interacted , even though there was still a black cloud of underlying issues hanging over us . I picked up a few chickens to put on the grill for dinner , a magnum bottle of wine , and a six - pack - I 'd probably need that later tonight . Dinner was almost normal . Everyone talked including Heather and I and not just about our kids this time . After dinner the movie they all wanted to watch didn 't appeal to me , so I passed on it and decided to fix a few things in the house I 'd put off for a while . I had my head under the kitchen sink when I heard her walk in . " Steve , what was with you this morning ? " I said nothing , re - tightening a water shutoff valve that had a slow leak . " Don 't get me wrong , I liked it , but it was so unlike you . " I stopped , " I just can 't win , " I thought to myself . " For Christ 's sakes Heather , did you like it or not ? " I could feel the heat rising up from my toes . " I said I liked it , only it seemed like you were trying to make a point . It wasn 't the type of love making I 'm used to from you . " I pulled out from under the sink . The frightened look she gave me when she saw the look on my face was like what I 'd seen weeks ago . |
This month I am following along with Molly 's February Photofest challenge to post at least one erotic photo taken by me or of me every day . I suspect this will be difficult , but hopefully also fun and encourage some creativity . I am excited about this , and have already begun talking photos . My Master did as well , although he says he won 't BE in any of the photos . It just hit me that I have come a long way since I was horribly embarrassed to publish a photo of me showing major cleavage on the internet 5 - 6 years ago ! For more information , see this page : http : / / mollysdailykiss . com / february - photofest / It rarely happens to me , but today it did . I was all fucked out , as in sore cunted , ready to stop , please just cuddle me , I am done like a baked muffin . Of course we keep going as long as Master wants . Master had called me on his way home this morning and told me to put a big breakfast on and get ready to be FUCKED . And I did . I made eggs and sausages , and I washed myself up a bit , and put on my wrist cuffs , collar , and a black slip . He had me wait in the bedroom for him after he 'd eaten . When he came in he told me to stay where I was . He went around behind and kicked me in the ass and in the cunt . Then he took some pictures . I 'm sure they will be posted eventually here for the Photofest February . He took me in one swift hard thrust as I was on my hands and knees and it was painful . I thought I was ready , but I was not ready enough . He asked me if it hurt and I said " Yes , Master , it is tight " . He kept going and it hurt so good . He stopped to have me suck him and then more fucking , then back to sucking . He stood me up at the dresser and flogged me . Eventually he said he was all done and he was going to wait to come until I got back from the store . He ordered me not to wash myself , but to go all smelling of sex . No bra or underwear were allowed , and a skirt was also a must . Once I was dressed I asked him if I looked ok , and he called me over to the bed to pleasure him once again . I think he couldn 't resist my skirty - ness because he bent me over the bed , lifted the skirt , and fucked me until he had a huge orgasm . Off I went to the store . He had also said if anyone stared at me I must be sure to give them a big smile and flirty look . I was ready . I was so turned on that I could feel every brush of my clothes in unexpected ways . I was nervous about taking big steps and leaking his come , so I went around the grocery with a mincing feminine gait . There was almost no one else there , since it was snowing and the roads were kind of bad , and no one stared at me , so no flirting took place . I rushed home and unloaded the groceries . We took a break then , until he wanted me again . He turned on some sort of porn on the TV while I sucked his cock . I asked for a spanking . He went upstairs and used the bathroom . I stood at the door watching him and asked if I could go next . He said " I should make you pee in the snow " . And he did . There are pictures of that too . The snow was sooooo cold on my bare feet . I think if we do that again I want to wear boots . I had asked for a spanking , but I didn 't reckon on one of such force . Eeep ! It hurt . But so deliciously good . He caned and paddled me as I knelt on the floor . Then he took me again and fucked me in all kinds of ways until I was well and truly fucked out ! at We live in a little old farm house . It was built in 1915 and has had a few additions since then , such as indoor plumbing . We still do have the outhouse , a double seater with electric lights that still worked last time I checked . It has not been used in a while though . I think my childhood home was larger . I do not know the square footage , but it had 3 large bedrooms and one small bedroom upstairs and an attic on top of that . In our current house , the upstairs is the top , with slanty roofs and all . There is one large Master ( hee ) bedroom and 3 small bedrooms . 3 . Which is better childhood home or current home ? Why ? This home is way better because it is on 10 acres instead of being in the city . My childhood home was pretty good though . My parents bought it for cheap because it was in an area of white flight . White people were moving out due to fear of living near black people ( disgusting , eh ? ) and my parents moved in there because they weren 't prejudiced assholes . It was a diverse neighborhood through my growing up years and still is . It was also an older house of near the same vintage as this one . I lived in the same place until I went off to college . School : I did some pet sitting and dog walking as a kid , but the first job I had for a regular employer was a summer job working for my mom 's boss . She worked in pharmacology . My job was to take lists of journal articles , find the journals in the library , check them out , trek them across the hospital , photocopy the articles and deliver them to him . It was extremely boring , but I also got to do a few other things , like play around with statistical modeling on the computer and some laboratory work , so it wasn 't all bad . 7 . What was your favorite job and why ? My favorite was working as a receptionist for my Master , because we got to eat lunch and walk together . I enjoyed typing up medical histories too . I don 't know that I 've had any job that I loved purely for the work part of it . I liked certain parts of each job , though . My first real full time job out of college I liked at first , for the responsibility and importance I felt at it . But after 7 years I pretty much hated it and everything about it . That was also in a laboratory . Bonus : What haven 't we talked about in TMI Tuesday that you would like to discuss ? Last night I was so tired . We had a long walk in the snow together , looking for Pokemon , and then an errand at Lowe 's , then got home and I whipped up some dinner . By the time I 'd cleaned everything up I was ready to collapse . Master , however , was ready for beating my ass ! I was getting warm under the covers after he allowed me to get in bed . He ripped them off me with a knowing look . He took out the tiny flogger and parted my legs , then began striking my cunt . It was a bit of pain but mostly pleasure and I arched myself up toward him . He also had the nipple clamps , I noted with dread . He attached one to my nipple and the other to my cunt lip . Then he left to go get the camera . When he returned I was struggling with my breathing ; it hurt so bad I only wanted to whimper and hyperventilate , but I was trying to control my breathing because it helps with pain . " Breathe " , he told me , " It 's only pain . " Well , that 's ok then , right ? I did breathe , and he took some pictures , and moved the clover clamps , and I breathed ( and whimpered some ) more , and once again I did not die . After the clamps were off it felt simply amazing ; the soreness and tenderness every time he brushed my nipples was exquisite . When he ordered it , I flipped over to face down , and he tied my hands to the headboard with the leather strap . He had gathered up several implements , the new heavy cane , misery stick and holey paddle . He began the ladder game . Up to 15 and back down to one . By the time he got all the way to 15 and back down again , I was begging for an orgasm . He told me I must count backward from ten to one first . Arggggh , it is so hard to wait ! But I did it . After I had come once he put the vibrator on me and lifted my legs straight up in the air . He fucked me and smacked me and I came some more . Then he had me on top and move my hips just right to get him off . I had a few more intense orgasms before he did . It was a wonderful Saturday night . I 'm saving up the pictures for Photo - a - Day - February . We often shower together , at least once a week and sometimes twice . It is an excellent time for a few minutes of intimacy as well as reinforcing my position as his servant . This morning he got in first , then me . " Kneel , slave " he ordered , as he often does . I knelt and he pissed on me , marked me as his property , repeating aloud that I was his and he owns me . Then he pulled my head closer to suck him , thrusting deep into my mouth . He rinsed me with the shower hose ( we have one of those detachable ones ) and helped me stand up . He told me to turn around and pushed me forward so I bent at the waist . He took me quickly and fucked me . After he pulled out , I washed him all over , feeling reverently how lucky I was , and then he hopped out so I could wash myself and shave . at When her Master or Dom agrees to do something even though he doesn 't like that thing , her trust falters . The most demotivating thing you can say to someone who wants to please as their highest goal is " I don 't like this , but I 'm doing it for you . " Can you see her face fall ? Can you see her attitude failing ? The pleasure she would have taken in that act is draining . What if you just said no ? She is strong enough to handle it . She is devoted to your pleasure , not just her own . " No , that isn 't something I 'm into . " If she knows her Dom is able to say no to her , she trusts his " Yes " 100 % more , because when he says yes to one of her ideas or suggestions , she believes it will be a pleasure to both of them . I 'm not saying a Dominant can never do things the submissive likes , but what if they phrased it like this instead ? " I love seeing you in the throes of pleasure . It turns me on as your Master , causing and owning that pleasure . " at In the evening he put the hood on me and told me to stay still . I was standing near the bed . He walked away . I could feel the space all around me . It felt different than the space around me when I can see , or even than when I have my eyes closed . Less than a minute passed , perhaps , and Master returned and guided me on to the bed . I could barely hear his commands , so I ended up getting smacked for lying down the wrong way and making him repeat himself . He began fucking me and slapping my tits , slapping my face . I bit my lip during one of them . He pinned my arms above my head . Then he got up for a moment , telling me not to move . I stayed frozen . He put my hand on the vibrator and had me hold it while he penetrated me once again . I had several explosive orgasms , then he put it to one side and ordered me to turn over . The hood makes me feel even more like a used fuckhole than I usually do . I lay on my stomach , and was completely preoccupied with finding a position for my head in which the breathing hole wasn 't blocked as he entered me . It was dark , in more than just the obvious way . Frightening , a little , but other worldly and terribly hot . When he began to move furiously I hoped he would command me to come because I wasn 't sure I could hold mine back when he came . He did . Feeling the space This is going back a ways , but we end up in the present eventually . Back 15 years ago , Master had a job offer from a clinic in Las Vegas . He was just graduating and I was 8 months pregnant . It took a lot of convincing to get me to agree to move to Las Vegas . I didn 't want to be away from all my friends and family to move 1400 miles to where I knew no one and had a new baby to take care of . Plus , it just seemed really foreign and hostile to me . I 'm not into glitz . I do not like the desert . I do not gamble . I like friendly Midwestern people and green pastures . Remember , in those days I wasn 't a slave and didn 't have to agree to everything just because he said so . But he can be very convincing . One of the things I really wanted to do out there was see the Grand Canyon , so that was one of the selling points of moving . Also , he promised he would find me a house where I could have sheep . We lived in town at that point , but I really wanted some sheep . He did find a house with a bit of land where we could have 3 sheep and 3 goats , as well as a flock of ducks . Of course the hay had to be imported from Utah because grass doesn 't grow in the desert , but a surprising number of people even in the city of Las Vegas keep horses and other livestock . They are not into making a lot of laws out there . We had a one acre plot , and lived between similarly sized lots . On one side was a very nice Mexican family who spent most of their time training dancing horses and sometimes invited us to parties and on the other some people ( Anglos ) who kept to themselves and had really a lot of roosters . I didn 't ask . I learned some Spanish and I learned I didn 't much like the desert , although it has beautiful landscapes . Everything about it is hostile to life : the heat , the dryness , the scorpions and black widows , even the plants are all spiny or poisonous . There were , however , beautiful places like Mount Charleston and Red Rock Canyon , where we made frequent day trips to hike . When we moved out to Las Vegas , we drove in a packed minivan with Master , me , our 1 month old baby , my mom who was coming for a two week stay to help us with the baby and getting settled in , 5 dogs and a very whiny cat , plus all our gear . The furniture was sent with a moving company . The road there goes close to the Grand Canyon , and as we were passing signs for it I pretty much begged to go see it but Master said " I 've seen it . It 's just a big hole in the ground " and my mom also voted " No " to any side trips . They just wanted to be out of the car , and I do see their point . It was a very long drive . But still , the Grand Canyon ! Some time after that , after I became his slave , Master began telling me that the Grand Canyon doesn 't really exist and that is why I will never see it . As his loyal slave , of course , I have to believe what he says . Right ? Sometimes I am sure that there really is a Grand Canyon , otherwise how did they get all those pictures ? Other times , I don 't know , maybe they filled it in ? Maybe there was an earthquake ? No , that 's silly , it would have been in the news . A still capture from the video Master made yesterday . Fetlife is where the rest of this video is posted , so if you want to see it you need a membership there . Yesterday was Master 's day off , and he told me to come wake him up after a nap . When I did , first I asked if he wanted breakfast or me in bed , and he said I should come in there . We snuggled for a bit which was nice , but then I started wiggling my butt up against him . Pretty soon he went from sleepy , snuggly Master to " Whose cunt is this ? " and " Spread your legs , fuckhole . " After the begging for beatings part which was yesterday 's blog , he had me standing up by the dresser and got out his belt first . When I was good and belted , he made the above video while fucking me from behind . Then he flogged me thoroughly ( those new floggers really can hurt when he swings hard ! ) and ended up with more belt snapping and then the tire tread paddle , which was super ouchy . My butt is still recovering from that one . Then he told me he wanted me to be on top and take him , to play like I was dominant . Which I did . I teased him a bit . It is still weird to me , but also fun . I love making him hot and happy and that sure did . I went from fucking , to sucking , to caressing him with my tits , and then back to fucking , and repeated all that . When he " escaped " he spanked me and then fucked me from behind until he came . This morning I have been following his order to wear my buttplug more and get my ass in shape for fucking . I put it in , then cleaned the bathroom and did the vacuuming , feeling very slavey about the whole thing . A couple more snapshots : What happens when one 's Master tells you that you must ask to be beaten but you 're all gagged ? First I tried saying it around the gag . " Please beat me , Master " comes out like " mmmmfff eee eee , mffdffpph " . He pretended he couldn 't understand me . So I tried sign language . I got the letters all wrong and anyway he didn 't understand that I was trying to finger spell . So then I pantomimed hitting myself . " Oh ' beat ' " ! I nod . I point to myself . " Beat you ? " Nod again . I point to him . " Beat you me ? " I made muffled frustration noises . He led me carefully out of bed to my beating position because I still couldn 't see with the blindfold on . If I had to pick one act that I love most about group sex , it would have to be being caught between two cocks , penetrated in mouth and cunt at the same time , aka , a spit roast . There is something overwhelming , objectifying , gratifying , and intensely pleasurable about receiving this treatment for me . Back to the beginning , though . My day yesterday improved considerably when Master got home and we headed out to dinner and then a Kinky and Geeky event / party . There is gaming , bdsm , and pizza all in one venue , so it is pretty fabulous . Our plans had fallen through on kink events for months , so I hadn 't even dared to get my hopes up for this one , but we made it and it was great ! Dinner was Thai food before the event . At one point I felt satisfied even though my plate of food was still half there . I announced my intention to stop eating before I got too full . But as we sat talking I kept picking up bits and eating them since it was just too tasty to resist . Master took my plate and set it over next to him on the far side . He told me that if I wanted any more I 'd have to earn it . I looked questioningly at him . " Earn it as in right now . Under the table , " he said . I looked around at the other people , blushed and looked down , then commented that I really was not hungry anymore . He 's helpful , huh ? One we arrived at the event we started with games , because it is always a fun way to meet people , but after a bit I started making " longing eyes " at my Master across the table . In a few more rounds he took me to the dungeon room and ordered me to get naked and get some rope ready while he would be right back . I had stripped down to panties and socks by the time he came back and ordered that the panties had to go too . He tied a rope karada on me and fastened me to the cross . He began with the new floggers , which allowed me to relax into the bondage and the rhythm of his strikes . Unfortunately we were interrupted several times by a new person who had forgotten ( ? ? ) that you can 't talk to people in a scene . Finally my Master had to stop and tell him that he was being very rude , and the guy apologized and backed off . I hope the message sticks or he will find himself uninvited to these events very quickly ! Master 's flogging switched to the stingy set and went on for a good long time so I was able to achieve my state of peaceful , yet aroused , focus on him again . He brought out the wavy Kris paddle . That wonderful toy has been hidden in our bag for quite some time . It was excited to get some use again , I know it . I nearly orgasmed without a command after one particularly hard smack . I think I managed to contain it ( half - orgasm ? ) , but my Master did notice . A few other things hit my ass , I 'm not sure , but when the tire tread paddle came out I took notice ! I 'm pretty sure several of the bruises on my ass were due to that implement . Master untied me soon after that , and pushed me to my knees right there . I looked up at him and he nodded , so I knew what he wanted . I unbuckled and unzipped him , then took his cock in my mouth . He continued to flog my back and ass as I worked on him , sometimes pulling my hair as a handle with his free hand . He maneuvered me to turn me around , placing my head between the legs of the cross , my shoulders braced against it . He thrust and ground against me with his pelvis but did not take me . I wiggled and pushed back into him , feeling like nothing but an animal consumed by heat . I could see straight ahead of us , not 15 feet away , some friends of ours playing . He was fucking her , and she was tied by the arms to another man who was being flogged by a fourth person . That was pretty hot too ! After a clean up of our area , Master took me to the recovery room . That 's where they have the snacks . We got a little pizza , and then as I sat on the floor in front of him he put my hood on . I was still naked except for the rope harness . We rested that way for a while , then I was released and went to look for our friends . I had talked to them beforehand about playing together . We met up at a bed and very soon were getting all sexed up in all kinds of ways . In a short time I found myself on hands and knees with the other man 's cock in my mouth and Master fucking me from behind . That was amazing . He ( L . ) took Master 's place behind me and fucking went on until my arms were spaghetti . At one point he handed me a vibrator and gave me an orgasm so powerful I fell over , screamed and for a second they thought I was injured ! If you are owned by an intellectual it can occasionally be hilarious , if a little surreal . If he goes on a ( once a decade ) drinking spree one Friday night due to inability to cope with the thought of a Trump presidency , it is more likely that you could be turning the bookshelves upside down looking for his copy of Thucydides : The Peloponnesian War than watching him throw cans at sportsball persons on the TV . Rum supplies are looking a little depleted this morning . Last night was rough , and this morning again . Not in the kinky way , but just a lot of emotions . And so , I bring you PENGUINS ! ! What we have here is a semi safeword . I think safewords can be a valuable tool for play for many people , especially if they like to do any CNC or rape play where the submissive is allowed to say " No , don 't , stop ! " and not mean it . The safeword gives them a way to clearly say they need to stop . However , for all the people who don 't use safewords , it can be equally good to simply use " Stop " or explain the problem and expect their partner to stop . Because it can 't be said enough : A safeword will not make you safe . Having a trustworthy partner will go a lot farther to that end than any " magic " word . Also , having a safeword is not enough . There are times when I have gone non verbal during play , and this actually happens to a lot of people . We become unable to use a safeword , or explain any problem we are having , so it is important that Tops and Doms ( and subs for that matter ) realize this can happen and do check ins with a new partner if in doubt about their situation , and keep a close eye out on any partner they play with , new or not . The reason we have a semi safeword is that to most people , a safeword gives them the absolute right to end the play right there . I don 't have that right with my Master , so mine would be more like a quick warning to him that something is going very wrong with me . He would definitely check in with me at that point and then decide where we go from there . There have been times he has completely taken it away for a session ( as a bit of mindfuckery , since I don 't actually use it anyway ) or he 's changed it to something impossible like antidisestablishmentarianism . We use the traffic light system , and there have been times especially while playing in public that he 's asked me " What 's your color ? " If I can 't say green , or I say I 'm not sure , he knows where my head is at ( muddled ) . If I play with someone else , then my safeword means stop absolutely right now to do a check in . My Master gives me that right because he wants me to be safe and have a non - traumatic time with others . It might be OK to continue after the check in , depending what the problem is . I have used " red " exactly one time now with someone other than my Master . I have used " yellow " a few times in play with other people . Using a safeword is a big deal to me . No matter how many times I hear people say that using a safeword is not a failure of any sort , deep down inside I partially feel that I have failed if I have to use it . I feel I have failed to " just take it . " I have tried to talk myself out of this feeling , because intellectually I know it is not the best way to feel , it is not productive or helpful , but sometimes feelings will not be reasonable . The time Iat This achy cold turned into an uncomfortable chest cold on Tuesday . It was Master 's day off , but the schools were also closed due to ice on the roads . I did almost nothing all day except sit in a chair . The high points of the day were that Master made chicken soup for dinner and he used me in a way that made me forget I didn 't feel good for a short time before bed . I barely slept Tuesday night because lying down made me cough . Eventually I felt bad about interrupting Master 's sleep and went downstairs to lie in a recliner chair . Not terribly comfortable , but being more upright made the coughing stop so I could sleep for a couple hours . Then the schools were closed Wednesday too , and I had to go out for some kids ' appointments in the afternoon . The roads were fine . I felt like death warmed over . Last night I piled up a ton of pillows on the bed and was able to sleep with less coughing , although I was awake a lot even then , so I 'm feeling a bit better this morning . We had sex last night too . I tried really hard not to cough on him . : ) at So , in keeping with my Master 's latest order to use the buttplug , I put it in . I could tell that my ass was rusty - it took me a few minutes to work it in there . Then for good measure I shoved a dildo in the other hole and went downstairs to look at porn . I 'm sitting there , not naked , thank God , when the door bangs open and it is the older kid . What ? They cancelled school ? It 's not even snowing . An ice storm was predicted , so the schools were sent home early . I closed my window , and waited until he was upstairs to stand up , because you never know when a dildo is just going to come popping out on the floor , and oh so casually went to the bedroom to remove it . I went ahead and gave myself a a quick orgasm , but it was not the long drawn out one I had hoped for . I took the plug out and washed up . Whew , close one ! at On August 28 , 1963 one of the most powerful speeches ever delivered was given at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC . It 's one thing to read it , but quite another to listen . If you haven 't , or not recently , then please take advantage of the link at the bottom . We are celebrating Martin Luther King Jr . Day today , as our first black president gets ready to step down after 8 years . I remember the day Obama 's election was announced , I cried tears of happiness thinking of all the ordinary people , my teachers and classmates especially , across the country who were going to look up and see for the first time ever , a US president who looked like them , who had the skin tone that in the not so distant past would have made him automatically a second class citizen . I know we have a long way to go in fighting racism . I see it everywhere in the news these days , so these words will always inspire me that we CAN do better and be better . I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the highways and the hotels of the cities . * We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro 's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one . We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self - hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating : " For Whites Only . " * We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Donuts . I love them too much . But only if I could eat all of them without getting fatter . Also , cookies . Fudge . And homemade bread . Om nom nom . D is for donut , that 's good enough for me ! I think that would have to be The Man in Black from Westworld . He 's not that good looking , actually he 's kind of ugly , but he has a very refined sort of sadistic menace . The ending of the show ruined that a bit for me , but I won 't say why as it would spoil it for everyone . Still , thinking back to the early shows = oh yeah . I 'd become better acquainted . 5 . Are you more in tune with sunrise , daytime , sunset or nighttime ? I 'm a morning person . I see the sunrise often . At night time I get a little bit fuzzy brained and am just hoping for my bedtime to come soon . I have an excuse today , being sick and all , but it is only 7pm and I am wishing to be in bed . Soon . I still have responsibilities , ugh . Bonus : If you took a job out of your current career path , what job would your take ? I don 't have any career path . But I 've often thought I should have been a pharmacist . It seems like good steady work , it is useful and it helps people . Master also saw the videos , and got him all hot . He ordered me upstairs because he just wanted to use me quickly . There was butt sex and crying . He said I need to start using my buttplug more so my ass gets a little more used to having things in it . Even with warming me up with a toy and plenty of lube it was difficult the first time . I didn 't scream though , I just bit down on the pillow and squirmed a lot . The second time I was more successful at relaxing and it felt , well , painful , but not unbearable . Painful and good . I love that after feeling as well , when it seems like my whole mind has been wiped of thoughts , I don 't feel sick even , just warm and comfortable . He let me stay in bed the rest of the afternoon . at Yesterday we had a busy day of swimming at the Y , eating lunch out and then hunting Pokemon . While changing in the locker room after swimming I noticed that my butt was still quite red from the night before . I don 't think anyone else noticed . at My panties ripped surprisingly easily as Master pulled them straight up from under my jeans . They were already damp . They were essentially shredded , but the elastic edges held fast , so he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and cut them the rest of the way . He commented on my dampness and threw the panties in the trash . " You are such a hole " , he stated as he pressed up against me from behind . I had started to wash the dishes . I set the pan down in the sink and leaned back against him . I am such a hole , this was my thought - your wet and eager hole . He pulled my hair and twisted my breast . Yes , yes , your hole to use and abuse . I didn 't say anything though yet , not aloud . He asked if I wanted to get fucked . " Yes , Master " , my voice finally came to me . When I had knelt for him , naked in the bedroom , he kicked me in the ass and cunt . He undressed and threw his clothes all around the floor and had me fetch them and put them in the laundry basket , chastising me for a messy room . I felt no shame , only eagerness to serve him . I knew it was a sort of a game anyway . He had me lie face down on the bed . He got the holey paddle and beat the holy into me . Sins be gone ! Come to Jesus ! O Lord , yes , Master ! When he was fucking me and I moaned out " Oh God , oh God " he replied " Yes , my child ? " I did feel positively beatific . At one point I was on top . He raised his hand and I flinched away . " Do you think I am going to hit you ? Are you afraid I will hurt you ? " " I get to hit you . You are mine . No flinching away . " He held my chin in one hand and slapped my face repeatedly for emphasis . I nearly came , but he had not given the command , so I struggled to wait . He held my nose and mouth shut until my chest hurt , then when he released me he told me to come . Oh holy fuck , yes . at My ass is sore and it is a wonderful feeling . Yesterday all our plans for going out were dashed by a huge storm , a foot of heavy wet snow . I wasn 't sad . We stayed in and fucked . He put the hood on me and beat my ass with many things . I made food , and then later on gave him a blowjob . There 's nothing like hearing him call from across the house " Slave girl , get in here " . at I never knew cuttlefish ate like this : Cuttlefish eating 3 . Would you rather swim with sharks that you know have recently bitten people or swallow live worms ? Why did you make that choice ? It is 10 : 51 am on Monday . Right before this I was attempting to repair something , and then starting to lay a fire in the fireplace . I am still in the middle of both so I should probably go finish . Bonus : Are you a little bit damaged ? How so ? Nope , I 'm just fine , except maybe a little wear and tear from being my age . I don 't like to think of any one as damaged . It seems dehumanizing to me , in a bad way . He slid it over my head . Everything went black except for a small spot of light coming int down by my mouth . The rough canvas fabric pressed in tighter as he fastened the straps . One was tight around my temple and the other around my neck just above my collar . I found out later that the hood also has a handle on the back . Useful . Master led me to the bed . I was hesitant in walking blind , but he pushed me on . When I reached the edge I felt my way to the middle and lay my stomach as he directed . He had piled up pillows or blankets so my ass was well raised up . I didn 't know what was coming , but I soon recognized the new can he 'd gotten at the party Saturday night . It is rigid and heavy , almost as heavy has his hickory cane . He tied my hands to the headboard with a leather strap so I was well stretched out . Everything feels so different inside that hood . It 's like being there but not really there . My head tends to float off into other spaces , other times very easily . Even now when I close my eyes I can practically feel the canvas pressing close to me again . As he begins to cane me , my breathing sounds very loud and obvious echoing back into my ears , drowning out other sounds , so I have to listen even more closely for any instructions he might give . The beating went on for a long time with many implements , including the dreadful wooden spoon and possibly the holey paddle . He stuck his finger in my cunt , then the paddle handle . Then his finger came into the hole in my mask , tasting all cunty . I sucked on it . All light was blocked for a few seconds . He began fucking me from behind , my masked face buried in the bed . He turned me over and fucked me more , using the spoon on my tits and thighs . I came in huge ecstasies . When he had finished with me from behind again I was deep in subspace , just floating around happily as we cuddled . He removed the hood and straps . In a few minutes he covered me with a blanket and got up to practice his trumpet . Not even those loud sounds could drag me up from where I was . Unrelated picture , just because Master 's birthday is coming soon and he had mentioned he 'd like another paired set of Florentine floggers , different in feel from the first ones he got . I put in an order for these , and they were personally delivered at the holiday party . The handle is actually the ball closest to the loop , not the part that looks handle - ish . I think he liked them , as he immediately pushed me over to a corner of the room and began flogging me . He did my back and then turned me around for the front as well . I was still wearing my blouse and skirt so I couldn 't get as much of a feel for them , but it was still nice . We were having a fun little chat during the tit floggings : he noticed some crumbs on my clothes and began smacking them with his hand . Somehow the crumbs on my chest were being very difficult to remove ! Good times . Esty shop for Whispers of Fire Last night was our munch group holiday party , and it was fabulous . There is always a gift exchange , the kind where you draw numbers and other , later numbered , people can steal from anyone that has a gift , or pick an unopened one . Generally there is a lot of stealing . Some years we get stuck with the " gag " gift , but this year I got an actual gag gift . A ball gag , in fact , with several interchangable ball sizes , which we haven 't had before . Also in my gift box was brownie mix , a clown porn DVD ( this may have be to be re - gifted next year ) , and best of all , a canvas hood . I had never worn a hood before , so I was excited and apprehensive all at once . I know some people love them and others have a claustrophobic / panic response , but I had no idea how I would feel about it . On his turn , Master stole from someone else one of the gifts that I had brought ! I bought two things for the exchange , in separate packages : a set of cuffs and a cane from The Stockroom . One of those was from him , but he lets me do the shopping . I 'm just going to say that the cuffs were from him as he lit on to that cane and stole it , then re - stole it when it was taken from him and he eventually ended up with it . It made me happy that both the things I brought were popular and were stolen several times before the game ended . Nobody at all stole my gift , which was probably due to them being frightened off by the clown porn . I mean , really - porn with clowns ! Several people , including my Master , were giving a shudder . When the exchange and all the stealing were done , Master tried the hood on me . After it was adjusted I felt quite calm . The only disturbance was that it pressed on my nose which was sore from an injury a few days ago , but other than that I was very comfortable . I thought he 'd just take it off again but instead he let me sit there enjoying my darkness and listening to the people around me . It didn 't impede my hearing much and I could breath just fine through the small hole . He surprised me by gripping my wrists in one of his hands and pulling me down across his lap . I felt my skirt being raised and my tights and underwear being pulled down . Both Master 's hands were on my wrists then and some other hands were on my rear . I was spanked and I heard Master inviting anyone and every one over for " free licks " ( smacks , not tongue licks , thank god ) on my butt . I could identify some by smell ( cigarettes ) or the sound of their voice . But there were many that I had no idea who was fondling , spanking or caning me . The darkness of the hood made me feel protected and vulnerable all at the same time . My Master 's hands held me at the wrists or stroked my back , encouraging me to feel secure . He told people my orgasm cue so they could make me come . This happened several times , and I was embarrassed that I might make a mess . I knew when Mystique came over because I could hear her . Master made me adjust my position - I 'm not sure if I was sliding off his lap or what . Her cane strokes were significantly harder than any of the others . I began to whimper a little bit in my hood . After some time Master rearranged my clothes and set me back up in my chair . He then invited people to touch and fondle me . I felt my vulnerability still , but willed myself to relax and not tense up . I was touched and handled in all kinds of ways as I sat in total darkness . When Master removed the hood the brightness was so overwhelming I had to cover my eyes . He saw a cool new type of flogger across the room and went off to investigate . He told me to crawl under the table and come to him , which I did . I realized when I stood up that I was unsteady and in sub space . It 's like when you are drunk but are trying really hard to act normal . Hasufel held my arms to support me while Master tried out this new flogger on my back over clothes . It was heavy but not painful . I imagine with all my layers off it might hurt more . We had to stop then because they were all calling us over to play Cards Against Humanity . This was predictably hilarious , especially considering my state . The sub space lasted maybe another 10 minutes ? I 'm not sure since I don 't have a watch . I believe it was a most successful party this year ! ! I waited upstairs for Master while he had a long phone conversation . He had been saying " Maybe I will beat you tonight " all evening . I was hopeful . He came in to the room briefly to tell me that I better be naked when he got back . I waited a few more minutes and then removed my robe . I was kneeling , head down , arms over my head , as I do all the time , but ( unusual for winter ) quite naked except for my collar and socks ( thank goodness he lets me wear socks to bed ) . It was cold but I just kept my inner monologue / pep talk going that this is what Master wanted and I certainly wasn 't in danger of freezing to death in the bedroom . Being slightly uncomfortable while waiting for my Master is good for my head . I worried momentarily about how much worse the cane would feel on my very cold ass , then put that thought aside . He came back and asked me if I would rather be beaten or fucked . I asked if I really had to choose . " Can we do both ? " He said this was a good answer , but not the correct one . " Whatever you want , Master . " Of course . He ordered me face down on the bed . He started with the misery stick and it lived up to its name . I squirmed and yelped with my face in the pillow . He wanted me more quiet and more still . I tried , but it was difficult . He tied my hands to the bed and used a variety of other canes and straps ( I think ) on me until I was feeling less pain and more spacey . It became really enjoyable . I had missed this feeling so much . He took the heaviest cane and stuck it up between my legs . I yearned to feel that cane , or anything really , inside me . After more ass beating he dripped on some lube and shoved it on up inside . Out of my mind with the desire , I tried humping the stick , but more hard blows from something ( cane ? wooden spoon ? ) on my ass made me lie still again . He let me orgasm then and then came up to my head to stick his cock in my mouth . There was the wooden spoon again , ( a dreadful thing ) on my exposed thigh as I lay on my side . Master got between my legs and hoisted them up on to his shoulders . As he took me , thrusting hard , he continued to beat the backs of my thighs and my breasts with the spoon . " Look at me " he said . I opened my eyes . His were full of intensity : desire , love , fierceness . He told me to come , and I exploded . He fucked me in every position , and then came up to my head to come on to my face and into my waiting mouth . I enjoyed the sensations of being his sticky mess until he came back with a towel to wipe me off . He put my leash on for the night and we snuggled under the covers , completely content . at - Handling sexual frustration , especially at bedtime . It makes me feel like an utterly crappy slave and human to be unable to handle this any better , but I was so frustrated I couldn 't sleep last night . I finally fell asleep at 1 am , only to get up at 5 : 30 to make breakfast . Now I 'm tired and grumpy . And I broke another rule by scratching my leg out of a bad craving to feel pain . Stupid slave . I would really like a hard and long play session , a thorough beating , but I doubt that will happen . I do not feel like I deserve it at all . My head just goes round and round with what I want , and then the feelings of guilt for only thinking of what I want . And then I am angry . And also tired and hungry . But hey , I have lost 13 lbs since we started our diet 5 weeks ago , so that is something . at I never feel quite so full of purpose , so completely useful , as when Master is taking me from behind , using me for his pleasure as he did last night . I 'm filled with the sensations of being really whole . A whole hole , serving its purpose completely . It 's a wonderful feeling . Master was feeling better when he got home last night , so it was time for my punishment . He took me upstairs and had me strip naked in the cold , cold , cold room up there . Seriously , it was cold . He asked me if I knew what I had done wrong , and if I could make sure it did not happen again . I said " Yes , Master " to both . He told me to kneel and he got out the worst paddle . He pushed my head to the floor and gave me a few hard smacks . I thanked him earnestly ( because he is wonderful and I appreciate his discipline ) and he said I was forgiven and could thank him by sucking his cock . When this was done he inspected my cunt briefly and we went down to watch our movie . He whispered all sorts of naughty thoughts to me , mainly about denying me , using me as we sat on the couch . He pulled my hand into his lap and let me stroke him . I was squirming in my seat by then ! Finally at bedtime I went up as usual and waited for him kneeling on the floor . He came in and told me to get in bed . I was slightly apprehensive that he was going to do as he threatened and simply come on my face , leaving me horny and frustrated , but he didn 't . Instead he tied my hands to the bedrails and touched me , licked me , spanked and fingered me . He fucked my mouth and then my cunt . I was in heaven . I also had a fuckton of orgasms . How many is that ? I do not know , I 'm not counting . Wonderful ! at Master had a terrible day yesterday . He 's caught my cold , but he still has to go into work . Not only that , but he had to go to a meeti . . . I am an owned slave . I am married to my Master , and have been since 1993 . The addition of a M / s relationship to our marriage is relatively recent ( 2011 ) , and if you 'd like to read more about how it developed , see the first two blog entries " Beginnings " and " The next chapter " . We live on a small farm in Wisconsin and have two kids . A list of my favorite posts can be found here , if you are looking for the " meaty " topics , they are here : http : / / slavetomasterblog . blogspot . com / 2015 / 01 / favorite - topics . html |
Sandy Morris tried to keep up with her mom walking in the mall , but her 9 year old legs were no match for her mother 's greater stride . Gail Morris looked back impatiently at her daughter , " Hurry up honey , or I 'll leave you behind . " Running and catching up with her mom , Sandy noticed a store that looked interesting . She begged her mom to let her go in and look around , and Gail reluctantly agreed , knowing that if she didn 't Sandy would pout for an hour . Looking up at the sign saying Spells R Us , they walked in . Gail didn 't remember seeing this store before , but then again it had been a month since she 'd last been in the mall , and new stores came and went , so this one was no surprize . Gail looked around in disappointment , seeing that the place seemed to have all sorts of cheap junk . She saw what looked like a few antiques , and what looked like a bit of cheap imitations of brand names . Overall , she decided that the place looked more like a flea market or a garage sale than a store in a mall . Obviously , she decided , this store isn 't going to stay in business for very long . Sandy on the other hand was greatly impressed by the large variety of things , only some of which she could guess the purpose of . It all seemed so mysterious and magical to her . Then an old man walked out of a door behind the counter , and smiled pleasantly at them . Sandy smiled back , somehow liking this old man . " May I help you ? " he asked . Strolling through one isle , Sandy stared at one thing after another , then she saw something that caught her eye . Several barbie dolls were sitting on a shelf , drawing her child 's eyes like a magnet . She looked at one of them on the shelf , which seemed somehow to be special . She didn 't know why , since the doll looked like any other barbie , but for some reason , Sandy knew that this doll was different . Special somehow . She knew she had to have it . The Old Man hesitated , as if trying to decide something them he pleasantly said , " That 's not a barbie doll . Nope " he said shaking his head , " She 's a Wendy doll . Much rarer , and much more special " Sandy impatiently waited for him to tell her the price . " Tell you what " , he said smiling down at her from behind the counter , " I 'll sell her to you for a dollar sixty " Sandy started digging through her pockets , happy to find that she had exactly $ 1 . 60 left from her allowance . Excitedly , she handed the money over to the Old Man . As he took the money , the Old Man , still smiling pleasantly , said " Have fun with her Sandy " Stepping inside her room , Sandy tried to hold the tears back . Jason always picked on her . He 's so mean , she thought . Wiping the tears from her eyes , Sandy wished she were an only child . Then she remembered the new doll , and the incident was immediately forgotten . She tore the doll out of the box , and held it up looking at it . It looked like any other barbie doll , with long blonde hair , large breasts , and an impossibly thin waist . The usual exaggerated shape . But somehow , Sandy knew , it was special . She stared at the doll trying to figure out how , when suddenly she felt a strange twist , and a brief dizziness . Then she noticed that the doll in her hands had changed . It looked just like she did . She was confused for a second , then realized that her hands had changed . She had long fingernails . Looking down , she realized that wasn 't all that had changed . She saw a huge pair of breasts coming out of her own chest . In shock , she put her hands to them , and felt that they were real . She could even feel the weight of them on her chest . Looking down , she saw that she was dressed in all the same clothes the doll had been wearing just moments before , and looking closer , she realized the doll not only looked like her now , but had all her clothes on . She began to get very afraid . Looking around her room , Sandy realized that everything looked a bit smaller . She knew that somehow , she looked like the doll . Her curiosity began to get aroused . She went to take a step , and felt wobbly for a second , then caught her balance . Looking down , she realized she was wearing high heels . Taking a few more cautious steps , she found that she could walk all right . It was just the surprise of the first step that caught her off balance . Careful not to be seen , she snuck out of her room and down the hall to the bathroom where she could look at herself in the mirror . What she saw was what she 'd expected to see . She now looked like a human version of the Wendy doll . Incredibly long legs , large but firm breasts and a waspish waist . She stared at her face for a few seconds , then ran her hands through her now long and wavy blonde hair . She looked at the doll again , trying to figure out how it did this , when she again felt the strange twisting . She saw that the doll looked like itself again , and looking down saw that she had gone back as well . Carefully she put the doll down on the bed , afraid of it . After a few minutes , her curiosity returned , overwhelming her fear . Carefully she picked it back up , and again stared at it . Again she felt the odd twisting through herself , and found herself looking like the doll again . She stared at the doll again , and found herself back to normal . She changed back and forth several times , convincing herself it was safe , and making sure that it worked . She noticed that the dolls clothes became real clothes on her , and this gave her an idea . She changed the clothes on the doll , putting on some from another doll of hers . Then she changed again , and was pleased to see that the new clothes changed into real clothes on her as well . Sandy didn 't want to tell anyone about the doll . She was afraid that she 'd get in trouble for having it , and they 'd take the doll away from her . She didn 't want that . Especially since she 'd spent her own money to buy it . That night at dinner , Sandy and Jason started fighting again . " Stop it you two " Gail snapped at them . This time it seemed that Jason was kicking Sandy under the table , but he claimed she started it by sticking her tongue out at him . Exasperated , Gail wondered if this would ever end . The phone rang , and Gail got up to answer it . Coming back a minute later , she disappointedly told William " Annie 's sick and can 't make it for tonight . We 'll have to find another sitter " She hoped they could on such short notice since she didn 't want to miss their dancing date for the night . Hearing this , Jason proudly spoke up " I don 't need a baby - sitter . I can take care of myself " Tiredly , Gail said , " No . You 're not old enough to stay home by yourself yet . Maybe in a year though . " " NO ! ! That 's final . " Gail said , impatiently . " Besides , even if we could leave you home alone , Sandy would still need a baby - sitter " Several hours later , Gail and William were already dressed up , and impatient to go , but Gail was getting off the phone with the ninth attempted sitter , shaking her head no again . They were about to give up and spend the night at home . Sandy walked up to them , making a big yawn . " I 'm going upstairs to play with my dolls " she told them as she began heading upstairs . Idly , Gail wondered why Sandy was telling them that , then turned back to call the tenth and last name on the list . Getting into her room , Sandy pulled out the doll and made sure it was dressed right . Then she put it in her fanny pack , and carefully climbed out her bedroom window . Nimbly , she got onto the tree outside the window , and climbed down it . Then on the ground , making sure that no one was watching , she pulled out the doll . Gail hung the phone up , again having no success . She was about to tell William they were going to have to stay home , when the door bell rang . Curious , she went to see who it could be . She was surprised upon opening it to see a young woman standing there . She looked around 19 . She had long blonde hair , very generous breasts and a thin waist . She was dressed up in blue jeans , a T shirt and tennis shoes , none of which could hide the impressive figure in front of her . Sandy hesitated for a moment , remembering the speech she 'd planned , then talking as much like her old baby sitters as she could she said " Uh , Hi . Um , Mo . . . Mrs . Morris " she said , almost calling her Mom by mistake . " Annie said she was sorry she couldn 't make it , and she asked me to come by and baby - sit for you " Sandy felt proud for getting it out . Gail looked at this girl in front of her , thinking she obviously didn 't seem to be very intelligent . Probably some kind of bimbo . " And , WHO are you ? " she asked , not believing this . " Oh " Sandy said , not having thought of a new name , " Wendy " remembering the dolls name . Just then William came over to see who was at the door , and couldn 't help but stare at the gorgeous young woman standing there . Gail felt a surge of jealousy as she saw her husbands stare , then she explained why " Wendy " was there . Again , Gail looked at this girl , thinking it would be crazy to leave her kids with some person she didn 't even know . But for some reason the girl in front of her seemed familiar . She felt somehow that she wasn 't any kind of threat . Then against her better judgment , and because of her desperation , she agreed to let " Wendy " babysit . Then Gail started talking about pay , when they 'd be home , the kids bedtime and several other things . " Jason " Gail called , " come over here and meet Wendy . She 'll be watching you and Sandy tonight . " Jason came over , then stopped staring at " Wendy " At twelve years old , he 'd just begun noticing girls , and was immediately infatuated with the one that stood at the door . " Be good , don 't give Wendy any problems , and do what she says . " Jason dumbly nodded . Sandy felt thrilled . She 'd fooled her parents , and even her brother . Then Gail said , " Oh yeah . I 'd better introduce you to my daughter Sandy " She felt a surge of fear . Quickly Sandy said " I 'll go introduce myself " and ran upstairs . This left both Gail and William a bit curious as to how this girl seemed to know their house . Sandy hid in her room for a minute , then came back down stairs , telling them that Sandy was playing dolls and seemed sleepy so would probably go to bed early " Her parents seemed to accept this , being impatient to get going . As they pulled out of the driveway , Sandy felt triumphant . She giggled aloud . It had worked . Now , she decided , it was time to get even with Jason for picking on her . As Jason went to the living room to watch TV , Sandy followed , then changed the channel on him . There wasn 't really anything she wanted to watch , but he 'd done that enough on her that she enjoyed doing it back to him . After a little while , she got up and went to the kitchen , and made herself a sandwich , careful to leave a mess behind . When she got back to the couch , she told him to go and clean it up . He hesitated for a second , but still having a crush on her , went and cleaned it up without question . While eating , Sandy made sure to leave a few crumbs around and a bit of a mess . Again she told Jason to clean it up . He protested saying " But you made it " She smiled a little maliciously , then said " If you don 't clean it up , I 'll tell your parents that you made it " He stared at her in shock . He couldn 't believe that she 'd do that . Reluctantly he cleaned up her mess , which thrilled Sandy . As the night continued , she took great delight in interrupting him whenever he started to do anything , and making him clean something up , or do something . He was beginning to dislike her and was getting angry . Finally , Sandy couldn 't think of anything else to have him do , so told Jason to go to bed . " But its not my bed time yet . Not for another hour " " It is now that I say so " she told him . " Remember , your mom said to do what I said . If you don 't , I 'll tell her you were a brat , and you 'll get grounded " Angrily , Jason stared at her , but knowing that she was right , he did as she said and went to bed early . Sandy sat on the couch giggling . It felt so nice to get even with Jason . When her parents returned , they were both in a very good mood , and Gail was slightly drunk . Sandy told them that their kids were both sleeping and had been no problem . They looked around and saw how clean the house was ( courtesy of Jason ) and decided she was one of the best sitters they 'd had . Thankfully they paid her , and even gave her a bonus for the good job she did . After leaving , Sandy snuck around the house , then pulled the doll out from her purse where she 'd hidden it , and changed back to normal . She held the money in her hands , awed . That was the most money she 'd ever had in her life . A whole $ 30 . And it was so easy to get . And fun . As she began climbing back up the tree , she decided that she wanted to baby - sit again . Sandy waited impatiently for another chance to baby - sit , making even Jason notice that something was up , teasing her about being in love with a boy at school . Finally a week later , she got her chance . Her parents were going out and needed a baby - sitter . This night went much like the last one , with Sandy bullying Jason into cleaning everything up , then sending him to bed early , knowing that his parents would believe a responsible adult over a kid like him anytime . By this time , he was beginning to really hate Wendy . After Jason went to bed , Sandy sat on the couch , feeling very excited and awake . She noticed how big her bottom was . She 'd been Wendy several times now , and seemed to be able to walk around and move without any problems , except for the first few minutes , but every once in a while , something would suddenly remind her how odd it was . How big her but was , and how much her chest stuck out . She wondered if she was going to look like this when she grew up for real . Finally her parents returned home , and thankfully paid her . She snuck out to the back of the house and changed back . Once she was in her room she held the $ 35 she 'd made that night , and put it with the money from the other time . She felt rich having all that money , and was trying what to spend it on , but was a little nervous of how she 'd explain it to her parents . She didn 't think they 'd believe she had saved that much allowance at $ 5 a week . Several days later , Jason was looking all over for his favorite video game , but couldn 't find it . Finally he decided that Sandy took it , and burst into her room , noticing only briefly that she wasn 't there . He looked around , and found it on the floor , next to her Sega Saturn . Angrily , he took the game and was about to leave , when something attracted her notice . He saw a doll sitting at the foot of Sandy 's bed . Normally one of her dolls wouldn 't have interested him in the slightest , but he noticed that this one was wearing the same clothes that his baby - sitter had been wearing earlier . Looking closer , he noticed other similarities between this doll and Wendy . He wondered briefly what his sister was doing with a doll that looked like their baby - sitter . Then he remembered that Sandy hid out in her bedroom whenever Wendy came around . Smart of her , he figured , wishing he could hide out as well . Then , leaving the doll on the bed , he left her room . Later on , he yelled at Sandy for going into his room and taking his game without asking , conveniently forgetting that he 'd also entered her room without asking . It was two weeks later when Sandy got another chance to baby - sit . Her parents were going out to a dinner with some people her dad worked with . This time , she told them she was going over to her friend Lacey 's house , and would be back before bed time . They quickly agreed , thinking how much money this would save them from paying Wendy . After leaving her house , Sandy waited half an hour , then changed into Wendy and went back . She waved good bye to her parents , then went to work with Jason . This time , she didn 't feel quite as mean , and left him alone a bit more , but still had him do a lot of cleaning and go to bed early . After her parents got home , she told them that Sandy had gotten home all right , and went to bed . They paid her again , and she left . Carefully , she snuck out around to the back . Angrily , Jason had refused to go to sleep . They could make him go to his room , and even get in bed , but they couldn 't make him sleep . After hearing his parents return , he looked out the door , and was surprised to see Wendy sneaking around behind his house . Curiously he watched her as she went to the foot of the big tree . She pulled something out of her purse , and suddenly Jason saw that Sandy was where Wendy had been . He watched in shock as Sandy started climbing up the tree , and disappeared from his view . Angrily he realized that somehow , Sandy was Wendy . He also realized that she was always hiding out when Wendy was around , or so he 'd thought . He 'd always been kept too busy to really think about it at the time though . He didn 't know how she did it , but he was determined to find out , and to get even . Several days later , Jason waited until his Mom took Sandy with her to go shopping , leaving him home by himself for a little while since his Dad was at work . After they were gone , he walked into Sandy 's room and started looking for anything unusual . He remembered that she 'd held something when she changed , but was too far away to see what it was . Suddenly he remembered the odd doll , and started looking for that . He found it in one of Sandy 's dresser drawers . Pulling it out , he thought it looked just like any other doll , except that it was still dressed up in the clothes Wendy had been wearing two nights earlier . He knew it resembled Wendy , but other than that , it looked like an ordinary doll . He began to feel kind of foolish , thinking that this was responsible , and was about to put it down . Taking one last close look at it , he felt a strange wrenching inside . Looking at the doll , he was shocked to notice that now it looked like him . Then he realized what else had changed . He nearly screamed , putting his hands to his breasts . Running to the mirror bathroom , he stared in the mirror , seeing the face of his hated baby - sitter Wendy . After several minutes , he calmed down . He realized that Sandy had been changing back and forth with it , and knew that he could turn back to normal . He walked around the house several minutes , realizing how much his balance had changed . His legs felt so long , and his chest felt so big and kind of heavy . He thought his but stuck way out , and was huge . After making sure he could still walk around , and that he wasn 't imagining things , he up to his own room . Remembering how he thought of Wendy when she first came to the door , he curiously stripped the clothing off his body , and was amazed at how he looked . He noticed that his nipples were huge . And his privates were covered in a light blonde hair . Reaching down , he found that he had the same slit there that his sister did . Carefully , he felt one of his fingers begin to go inside , then pulled it back out quickly . That was way too odd . Quickly , he dressed back up , then went back into Sandy 's room . He picked up the doll , and stared at it concentrating , and found that it had worked . He was himself again . Cautiously , he put the doll back in the drawer he 'd found it in , trying to decide exactly what he was going to do now that he knew what was going on . Nearly a week later , Gail and William were looking for a baby - sitter again , and were just about to call Annie and see if she could make it . They wished they knew how to get hold of Wendy , but had never really thought to ask . They were surprised to get a call from Wendy around one in the afternoon , asking if they 'd need a sitter soon . Gail told her that they needed a sitter that night , and to come by around six . As they hung up the phone in relief , Sandy put the phone down upstairs , smiling and quickly changing back , and sneaking out of her parents room . Hearing that Wendy was coming over to baby - sit again that night , Jason finally decided what he was going to do . He waited until Sandy was downstairs , then snuck into her room and took the doll off the foot of her bed where she 'd left it . An hour later , Sandy was rushing everywhere looking for the doll , afraid somehow that she forgot where she put it . " Did you see my doll ? " she demanded of Jason . " What would I want with your stupid doll " He sneered at her , then smirked when she went looking for it somewhere else . It was 6 PM finally and Sandy was really frustrated . She couldn 't find her doll anywhere , and was getting really worried . The doorbell rang , and Gail went to answer it . Sandy turned around , and stared in horror , at Wendy , who was just stepping inside the door . She couldn 't believe it . How could Wendy be here ? She stared with her mouth open , as Wendy said good by to her parents and they left the house . Once they pulled out of the driveway , Wendy turned to her , with a nasty look on her face . " It looks like I 'm in charge now twerp " Sandy felt her heart thumping wildly , and fear clutching at her throat . " Jason ? " she asked quietly , afraid she was right . Wendy just nodded her head . OH NO Sandy thought . She had a really bad feeling about this . How could Jason have found out ? Jason took a step towards her , making Sandy start to run . Jason caught her within a few steps thanks to his long legs , and held her by her arm . She tried to struggled , but Jason wasn 't letting her go . Then Jason started spanking her . It stung and she started crying , not only from the pain , but mostly from the humiliation and feeling of helplessness . Looking into her face , Jason snarled , " Now you get to go clean the house . You know what 'll happen if you don 't do what I say " Reluctantly , Sandy started cleaning , afraid Jason would spank her again . Jason loved this . It felt so strange to be a grown up woman , with parts sticking out where they shouldn 't be , and the one that should be , wasn 't . He kept feeling like his butt would get jammed in the door or something , or that he 'd tip over with his chest being so large . He watched amused as Sandy scampered around . Finally he was getting even . He couldn 't believe what she 'd done to him , and he was still angry at her . He wanted to give it back in full . A familiar feeling hit Jason , and he realized he had to go to the bathroom . He went in , locking the door . Carefully he pulled off his pants and his panties , then sat down on the toilet . He hadn 't forgotten for a moment that he was a girl right now . As much as the idea disgusted him , it also excited him . He felt the urine tinkle out between his legs into the water . It felt about the same as always . When he was done , he saw that he was a bit wet from it , and carefully started wiping it off with some toilet paper . He was surprised , feeling how soft and sensitive his new private area was . He put his finger to his slit , and rubbed it a little , amazed . He began to feel his nipples begin to get hard and tight , then embarrassed , he pulled his panties and pants back up , and looked at himself in the mirror . Posing a little , he thought " This is one major babe " He only wished he could date her rather than be her . He stood to the side , pushing his chest out as much as he could , and sticking his butt out . He ran his hand into his hair , and blew a kiss into the mirror . He couldn 't stop thinking how hot he looked . His nipples were very hard , and he put a hand to one , and rubbed , amazed at how good that felt . He kept rubbing for a minute , feeling his groin getting wet . Then in embarrassment , he stopped . Taking another long look in the mirror , he blew himself another kiss , then left the bathroom . Getting into the living room , he was startled to see Sandy pulling the doll out of the purse he 'd stuck it in . He 'd forgotten he left it there , and had left it all alone . He ran over to grab the doll away from Sandy , demanding " Give me that " " NO . It 's MINE " Sandy said , refusing to let go as Jason grabbed it . Sandy kept pulling trying to keep her doll , while Jason tried getting it back , not wanting to get stuck like that or having Sandy get control over him somehow . They struggled over the doll for a minute , when suddenly it broke in half , and each of them fell back , dropping the doll to the ground . Jason stared in horror at the dolls upper body on the ground , while the lower body was several feet away . " Oh God " he said , suddenly very worried . He was suddenly very afraid that it couldn 't be fixed , that he 'd be stuck like that . Wendy Dahl bent over picking up the broken doll . Someday she was going to be a famous model she was sure . She 'd even been taking beautician classes at the local college to help in that goal . She handed the broken doll to Sandy , who wiped the tears from her cheeks . " I 'm sorry your doll broke " Wendy said to the little girl she was baby - sitting , " I 'll get you a new one , all right " Sandy nodded up , smiling at her favorite baby sitter . She liked Wendy , thinking of her almost like a sister . Almost , but not quite . Sometimes though , she wished she weren 't an only child . |
Guilt . . . . . I was trying to find him a roommate near where he worked and he didn 't want to live with a stranger . . . probably because he knew that he couldn 't live as he was , drinking , drugs , with " non users " . I am afraid he thought I was going to force him to do it . Maybe he took those final Oxys because of it . Guilt . . . . . He would " threaten " to move back to Ohio and I said " go " , but go when you have your life in order , don 't go back with " your tail between your legs " . Maybe he was trying to tell me that he needed to escape the drugs , drinking , violence in NJ . I know that the drugs and drinking was as bad back in Ohio , but in Ohio he had friends that cared about him and would have had his " back " . Maybe he would have been alive if I had not made it look like he was failing if he went back . Guilt . . . . I am so afraid that he could see the pity , sorrow and sadness in my eyes when he looked at me . If he saw what I felt . . . maybe he felt like his life was hopeless . Guilt . . . . When I bailed him out of jail , after letting him sit there for almost 48 hours in a tiny cell with 2 extra large men that were in for murder and they were telling him not to sleep at night because they were going to * * * * * , he walked out , looked at me with a big smile and arms out and I refused to hug him because I was so mad at him for being picked up drunk and with pills . Guilt . . . I tried to talk him into going into the Coast Guard or the Military . I even got a recruiters number . I thought it would help him to become focused and be a positive thing . He looked at me with those gentle brown eyes and asked me if I wanted him to go to Iraq and get killed . The guilt goes on and on . . . . . . . . . . . It is not easy to look back at everything that I said because so often I was reacting to his " problems " that at the time affected my " quality of life " . My time was spent " fixing " his problems and worrying about him . Now that he is gone , my time is spent grieving for him . When no one is in the house and I am having an exceptionally bad day , I loudly say , " Austin , look what you have done to me , your Mother ! How can I live without you ? You are my heart ! ! " When I am struggling to move heavy furniture up the stairs , I say , " Austin , baby , I need your help ! " The weight is lessened and I move things a 5 ' 5 " , 110 lbs . woman should not be able to lift . I can hear him say , like dozens of times before , " Here , Mom , let me help you . You shouldn 't be doing that yourself . " And I write to him . But mostly I cry . All the time . Everywhere I go . I went to one Compassionate Friends meeting and I could not even say my name . I couldn 't quit crying . My therapist put me on Lexapro a month after Austin died and I lost all emotion , I couldn 't cry at his grave , even . I went off of it in less than a week . I want to feel the pain . I want to hurt . This is my " normal " now . Our kids ' addictions have taken " reality " from us . Our emotions when we were with them would change from anguish to pure joy in seconds . We have done things that we never expected to ever do . Austin was picked up in Camden County , NJ for speeding and they found pot . He was put on probation and had to report to his probation officer once a month . Downtown Camden is VERY scary . In the evening , he would be in a line on the sidewalk leading to the offices , with really hardcore criminal - types . He would take cigarettes with him to smoke so he would appear tough . ( he didn 't smoke ) I would sit in the car for hours waiting , the car running , double parked . . . you don 't dare park where you could be blocked in and robbed . Once , in the darkness , a man threw his hands on my window and yelled " give me money ! " I hit the panic button on my key ring and I yelled back " Go away ! " He did . Then Austin would jump in the car and say " Lets get out of here ! " We would feel relief as we left the dangerous streets of Camden . Every week , Austin would give his probation officer a payment towards his fine … totaling $ 1 , 750 . 00 . At the end of his probation , he received a notice in the mail that he was not getting his driver 's license back until he paid back the fine of $ 1 , 750 . 00 plus delinquent fines . We had to pay it … . again . His probation officer was pocketing the money Austin gave him . This is typical in that world and one cannot do anything about it . Remember . . . Camden is in a " police state " , the Mayor and all his friends are in jail for drug trafficking . A few months ago , in a city I don 't even remember , I was staring out of my hotel room window when a flock of large birds ( I think sea gulls ) flew by . There was a loud crash as one hit my window . I stepped closer to the window and saw all but one bird fly on . The lone bird sat perched on a chimney directly across from me and appeared dazed . It would cock his head this way and that . I assumed it was trying to recover from hitting the window . I couldn 't quit watching it , I just stood there staring . Suddenly , it flew down to the rooftop below me . . . at this point my nose was up against the window pane , waiting to see what the bird was doing . He swooped down by a dead bird , apparently the one that had actually hit the window . He sat there for a moment , nudging the fallen bird , as if to try to revive it . The grieved bird suddenly picked the fallen , dead bird up with its claws and flew off above the rooftops , towards the trees in the horizon , never dropping the dead bird even though they were the same size . I watched until they were out of sight . I felt like I was watching a glimpse of grief that we don 't normally see or even think of , in animals . The heartbroken bird couldn 't leave his companion alone , even in death . We aren 't the only ones to know grief . I don 't know how I got through those first few weeks , the funeral was surreal , memories are in bits and pieces , my husband and others either filled in the blanks or jolted memories to surface . The funeral director gave me a lock of Austin 's hair . At the grave site , after the service and music and people were starting to walk away . I turned toward Austin 's vault and his father was standing at the foot of the vault . Mike , his Dad , picked up the vault on one end and crying said , " Austin , my son , I 'm picking you up one last time . " It was so touching . We all cried . I thought that they say you wake up in the morning and it takes a second to " remember " , then the nightmare washes over you . But not me , I have never had a moment I forgot . Although for a while I would run back into the house to grab my cell before getting into the car because I thought Austin may call and tell me he changed his mind . I wish that I had thought to keep more unwashed clothes of Austin 's , but I was totally unprepared to deal with the loss of him . I just did what I thought I was " supposed " to do . Which was clean up , give to charity , box up and store away and even throw away his belongings . No one told me " what to do " except I knew that I had to empty his apt . quickly and I was afraid that I would be responsible for the remainder of his lease because I co - signed for him . I kept his folded laundry on top of my dryer for a long time ( until I replaced the old dryer ) because it looked like he may came home and , grab his clothes , and say , " Thanks , Mom , you didn 't have to do that ! " , like he always did . I did take his washcloth and bar of soap from his shower . . . thinking that I would always have his DNA in a plastic zip lock bag . I miss that big teddy bear of a sweet kid so bad . . . Austin and I used to watch Steve Irwin on TV all the time . Austin was very interested in The Crocodile Hunter , National Geographic and anything about the outdoors and animals . When I cleaned out his apartment , a week after his funeral , I found a bucket of water ( in the kitchen ) with a small fish in it still swimming around . I am sure he caught it in the creek behind his apt . and thought he would keep it as a pet . So typical Austin ! When he was a child , he brought every living thing he could find home with him . One time our cleaning lady went screaming through the house , yelling at the top of her lungs that there was the biggest bug she 'd ever seen crawling in the sunroom . It was Austin 's crawl dad ( cray fish ) that he had gotten out of a creek and had escaped his aquarium . The next day on my door step , there was a short , but to the point , note that said . . . . _____________________________________________________________ Mrs . B . , I have enjoyed cleaning for you and your family . However I shall not be returning . Sincerely , M . M . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Such sweet memories of raising 2 boys in a small town in midwestern USA . . . . . I was in London , England last weekend and found a little peace . Saturday morning I had a dream of Austin . So real . He was about 10 years old and lying down , asleep . I was leaning toward him , crying and thinking , " I hope my sweet baby doesn 't know that he is going to die young . I don 't want him to know what the future holds for him . " He looked so sweet and innocent . I laid my hand on his arm and rubbed it . I felt his skin . Really . When I woke , I felt a mixture of sadness , from knowing his fate and happiness , from touching his warm skin . I can still feel his soft , warm skin . This awful life - altering grief is such a paradox . At once I feel so alone and disconnected from the world , yet I have such empathy for the pain and suffering of everyone . Last month , on a commuter plane from Charlotte , NC to Wilmington , NC , 95 % of the seats were filled with somber , healthy 18 - 21 yr old boys on their way to Fort Bragg , NC . I cried on the whole flight , knowing that their future was uncertain . Many would be going to Iraq and returning to the parents less than whole , physically , emotionally , or not at all . They looked like sweet , gentle , scared little boys . It broke my heart . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinWe took Austin back to Circleville , Ohio , where he grew up , for his funeral . All his family , friends , their parents , his teachers from school were there for his funeral . After his graveside service , his friends asked if they could play a song for him . They had brought a CD player , speakers , etc . They played a Smokey Robinson song , " I 'm really gonna miss you , my friend " . Everybody sobbed . . . I Miss YouReally gonna miss you . It 's really gonna be different without you . Time is going to be hard and slow . For the rest of my life , going to be thinking about you . Yes I am . Time came when you had to go . " I 'll miss you my buddy . I 'll miss you my friend . I 'll promise my love for you will never end . " In your finest hour , I was there with you . And without you things won 't be the same . there 's a higher power that we answer to and you heard him calling your name . " Really gonna miss you . Everything about you . Your smiling face . I know you want us all to be strong . I 'm really gonna miss you . " I know you 've gone to that magic place - - singing you a brand new song . Really gonna miss you . - Smokey Robinson The Loss of a Son to OxycontinI am desperately trying to find solace and meaning to my life . My other son , Ryan , is 28 and lives in Ohio . He is doing well and I am proud of him and thankful that he has his life together . I don 't know what I am supposed to do now that I am no longer needed as a Mother . My husband is very supportive of me , I travel with him on business trips , I don 't want for anything , yet I am an empty shell of a person . I feel like I have fallen into a deep , empty well and have no hope of climbing out . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinAustin talked to me about the things he did , the places he went , the risks he took . He told me of going to a street corner in Philadelphia , with his girlfriend , for drugs . The dealer told them to meet him in a nearby drug house . Austin walked in and immediately Brielle was grabbed by a second dealer and Austin had a sawed off shotgun pointed at his head . Austin was 6 ' 3 " , 270 lbs . and because his girlfriend was in danger , he went into a survival mode . He threw Brielle out the door and wrestled the gun away from those heathens . He survived that night . But that addictive lifestyle has no happy ending . Brielle went looking for drugs in Philly by herself and ended up raped and beaten , probably more than once . Austin had his apt . and truck broken into and many things stolen . He had his pet snake sliced and left dying . Towards the end , . . . . Brielle , the girl he loved , wanted to marry and have babies with , the girl who he went into the relationship trying to get her off drugs and ended up using them himself . . . . . . . . In the end , I was in California and couldn 't reach Austin . In a panic , because I thought he might be in jail , I called Brielle . Her Grandmother answered , and said , " I am sorry but Austin was found dead yesterday . " I am sure you know the deep , primal scream that rose from deep inside me . Nothing prepares you for those words . The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin " For it is impossible for a man to put forward fair and honest views about our affairs if he has not , like everyone else , children whose lives may be at stake " - Aspasia , ancient Greece Why do we send young boys to fight for us ? ? I suppose the young boys are more vulnerable and easily influenced to fight wars they don 't even understand . . . As my son was vulnerable to outside influence . I think about the pain and anguish their families are going through . I imagine it drives them crazy knowing their sons died in the horrors of war . I ( a mother ) would have gone to war and tried to destroy those that were responsible for the deaths in NYC on 9 - 11 . But that is not the war we are sending our precious sons into . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinI identified his body at the morgue read and reread the reports , I spoke to the Medical Examiner , the policeman who was at his apartment , the maintenance man who found him after his girlfriend ran screaming out of the apartment . I sat on the sofa where they found him sitting up with his head on his arm like he had drifted off to sleep watching TV . I wanted to feel and know and understand everything he had gone through those last few hours of his sweet , precious life . I wanted to be " inside his body " , I wanted to change places with him . Or at least be with him , part of him , take away his pain , look after him as he leaves this earth . . . . . . But I am uncomfortable with TV shows showing autopsies , even the News , how they disrespect families by showing covered bodies being taken from murder scenes , reporters asking questions of grieving family members as they are sobbing . . . . The public is so insensitive and as a whole the world has been desensitized . I feel hypersensitive now . I think of all the sadness in each obituary I read , every ambulance I hear , every sad news story , every young soldier that dies . . . . . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinI have so many emotions . . . . guilt from my ignorance of drug addiction , not knowing how to help him , demanding that he " just grow up " , it was all useless in fixing the real problem . He once said , " Mom , I know you are trying to help me , but you are going about it the wrong way . " Unfortunately , he never told me how to help him . Last summer , he was given a leave of absence from his job " dispatcher for a trucking company " ( he was so good at his job ! ) . I took advantage of him being in his apartment during the day and I visited him several times a day . I took away his car ( so he couldn 't go into Philly for drugs ) , gave him a bicycle , a phone card , ( took away his cell phone , so he couldn 't call drug dealers ) , took away all his cash ( I paid his bills , so he couldn 't buy drugs ) , I took him out to lunch every day and took him to the grocery store , so he would not be hungry . And every day , I sat with him and told him everything I wanted him to know . . . . how happy I was when he was born , what a sweet child he was growing up . . . little excerpts from his life . I would put my fist on my heart and say , with sadness " You are my heart . " Then I would walk down the hall to his front door and say , " Bye , Austin , I love you . " and he would say , " Bye , Mom , me , too . " His girlfriend , had a really bad drug problem , Austin actually entered the relationship thinking he could get her clean , but , in fact , she turned him into an addict , She would " date " guys for money and drugs for Austin and her . She procured the Oxycoton that killed my baby . She left him to die alone on a Thursday night . Austin Nicholas BarthenFeb . 26 , 1981 - Sep . 16 , 2005 The Loss of a Son to OxycontinI talked to Austin daily last summer , he was told to leave his job and not come back until he got his life in order . The drug use was affecting his performance on the job . Everyday , I was with him , talking , buying him food and telling him " You are my heart " . He said he was going to be OK and by the time he was 30 he would pay me back all the money I spent on fines , bills , etc . . . $ 30 , 000 worth of keeping him out of trouble , in a safe place and fed . It was all the money I had . I would just look at him and sadly smile . I hope he didn 't see the hopelessness in my face . I felt like my son was slowly dying and there was nothing I could do about it . He refused to believe that drugs were a real problem and could lead to his death . In death , Austin has reached out to Ryan and watched over him . Ryan has transformed into an amazing man . Ryan tells me that he will not put me through again what I went through with Austin . I love my boys . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinWhen I was at my wits end dealing with Austin and trying to figure out what to do , I read everything on the net I could . Most of what I read was along the lines of " Tough Love " . Then I came across a mother saying that she was not going to kick her son out of the house . She wanted to know that he had a roof over his head , a bed to sleep in , and food in his stomach . She didn 't give him money or condone his behavior . That really struck a chord with me . That is what I decided to do for Austin . He had his own apartment , but he was going to lose it because he was on leave from his work until he " got clean " . He had no income , so he was to move in with me . I bought him groceries , took him with me to restaurants , gave him a bicycle ( he lost his license ) , gave him a phone card ( didn 't want him to have a cell phone because he would call dealers ) and I spent a lot of time with him talking about everything . I am so glad I spent the time with him . He died 3 - 4 days before he would have moved back in with me . Oh , I have regrets . . . a week before he died , he asked me to take him to see " Dukes of Hazard " movie and I told him I was too busy . But I am so glad that I took care of his basic needs . I guess all our kids need unconditional love . That doesn 't mean we like what they do . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinThose words " Today , I buried my son " is something no parent should ever have to say . Today I was going through photographs and came across a photo of me in an airplane , on my way to bury my son . I looked so bewildered and confused . I remember it being so surreal at the time . As odd as it seems , strangers have given me the most comfort . And they don 't say stupid things like , he is in a better place , you are lucky to have another son , etc . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinI can hardly remember what it was like those first few days after Austin died . The thoughts , visions , flashes of memories , conversations with Austin . . . it all kept replaying in a super - fast motion . I felt like I was propelled into a lifetime of memories every day , hour , minute , second . It was all a blur . Now , it is the same horrific emotions , memories , sound bytes , but slower , as in a slow motion film . It was a year ago , Sept . 16th , 2005 that my son , Austin died in NJ , minutes from Philadelphia , from Oxycontins . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinFour weeks after Austin died , I flew back to Columbus , Ohio and got a room with two double beds at the Westin , Great Southern Hotel . Ryan , Austin 's big brother ( although Austin is 4 yrs . younger , they always looked after each other ) was driving in from Michigan and met me there . We went to sleep with a nightstand w / clock radio and my glass of water between us . At 6 : 00am the radio started blaring . Ryan reached over and shut it off . At 6 : 30am it went off again . My glass of water seemingly was lifted up and drenched me in the face . Ryan shut the radio off again ! Austin was really trying to get our attention ! When we woke up at 800am , Ryan was shaking . He said " Mom , I had a dream that was so real . I know that Austin really spoke to me . I was sitting in a booth and Austin walked in wearing plaid boxers and a t - shirt and his hair was messed up like he just woke up . " ( this is what we found out he was wearing when he died , later ) " He sat down across from me and explained to me that he accidently took too many Oxycontins and there wasn 't anything that could be done to save him . " ( at this point Ryan is crying ) Ryan said , " No , Austin , something can be done , you can 't leave us ! You have to always stay with me ! " Now , Ryan really broke down . He said that Austin looked at him and smiled the way he would always smile at him when he knew that Ryan wouldn 't be able to understand . And then he said something . . . but the thing is . . . Ryan couldn 't remember ! Ryan was heart - broken because he couldn 't remember the last thing Austin told him . Later that day , I was driving back to NJ with a friend , he called my cell phone . Ryan was yelling , " I remember ! It just came back to me so clearly ! When I said You have to always stay with me ! . . . . . Austin said " I am " . " The Loss of a Son to OxycontinWhen Austin was 5 yrs . old he drew me a picture of himself . . . . as an angel ! He was standing on the ground , beside a tree , under a sun . With big , beautiful angel wings . A few days later I found an antique cameo ( for $ 1 . 00 ! ) at a shop , edged in solid gold with a cherub face and wings , I swear it looked like him , with his curly , blonde hair . I put it on a gold chain and wore it . He looked up at it and said , " Mommy , don 't wear that , I 'm not an angel yet . " I kept it . . . and now I wear it . I kept his angel - boy self portrait , also . I guess in some way , we both knew that his life was to be short . He always seemed able to understand things that were unexplainable . The Loss of a Son to OxycontinI lost my wonderful baby boy Sept . 16 , 2005 at the young age of 24 to Oxycoton . I am in intense and overwelming grief . And guilt for not understanding that " hitting bottom " means death . I thought once he hit bottom , he would realize that he needed rehab . I want my Austin back ! Oxycoton killed a intellegent , sweet , handsome , wonderful 6 ' 3 " . 270 lb . gentle giant of a boy that had everything going for him . My mind can 't comprehend the finality of death . |
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him . He slammed on his brakes , but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour . Intrigued , he tried to follow the bird with his truck , but he couldn 't catch up to the accelerating chicken . Seeing it turn into a small farm , Juan followed it . To his astonishment , he realized that the chicken had three legs . Looking around the small farm , he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs . The farmer came out of his house , and Juan said , " Three - legged chickens ? That 's astonishing ! " The farmer replied , " Yep . I bred ' em that way because I love drumsticks . " Juan was curious . " How does a three - legged chicken taste ? " The farmer smiled . " Dunno . Haven 't been able to catch one yet . " I couldn 't find my luggage at the airport baggage area . So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up . She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands . " Now , " she asked me , " has your plane arrived yet ? " On New Year 's Eve , Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready . At the stroke of midnight , she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living . Well , it was kind of embarrassing . As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death . Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there . After he had been there a month , his mother came to visit him ( no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties , salt herring , oatmeal and whisky ) . " And how do you find the English students , Donald ? " she asked . " Mother , " he replied , " they 're such terrible , noisy people . The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won 't stop . The one on the other side screams and screams all night . " " Oh Donald ! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors ? " " Mother , I do nothing . I just ignore them . I just stay here quietly , playing my bagpipes . " An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar , so one night he took her along with him . " What 'll you have ? " he asked . " Oh , I don 't know . The same as you I suppose , " she replied . So , the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel 's and threw his down in one shot . His wife watched him , then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out . " Yuck , that 's TERRIBLE ! " she spluttered . " I don 't know how you can drink this stuff ! " " Well , there you go , " cried the husband . " And you think I 'm out enjoying myself every night ! " Lawyer : I have some good news and some bad news . Client : Well , give me the bad news first . Lawyer : The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime sceneClient : Oh no ! I 'm ruined ! What 's the good news ? Lawyer : The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130 ! Two young boys were taking a short cut through the cemetery on a very foggy night . They were naturally very frightened . All of a sudden they heard this chipping noise , and as scared as they were , their curiosity got the better of them . They came upon an old man chipping at a tombstone . When they asked what he was doing , he said , " They spelled my stinkin ' name wrong ! " One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class . She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home . She read , " . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said , " Pardon me sir , but may I have some of that straw to build my house ? ' " The teacher paused then asked the class , " And what do you think that man said ? " One little boy raised his hand and said , " I think he said , " ' Holy Crow ! A talking pig ! ' " A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day . The priest tried to pay for the haircut , but the barber refused , saying , " you do God 's work . " The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop . A policeman came to the barber for a haircut , and again the barber refused to pay , saying , " you protect the public . " The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop . A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut , and again the barber refused payment , saying , " you serve the justice system . " The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut . A little girl asked her mother , " How did the human race come about ? " The Mother answered , " God made Adam and Eve ; they had children and , so all mankind was made . " A few days later , the little girl asked her father the same question . The father answered , " Many years ago there were monkeys , and we developed from them . " The confused girl returns to her mother and says , " Mom , how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys ? " The Mother answers , " Well , dear , it is very simple . I told you about the origin of my side of the family , and your father told you about his side . " Two lawyers were out hunting , when they came upon a couple of tracks . After close examination , the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks . The second lawyer disagreed , insisting they must be elk tracks . They were still arguing when the train hit them . One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave . One said , " Man , I 'm starving ! I need to get some blood ! " And he flew out of the cave . He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth . " Where 'd you get the blood ? " the other bat asked . " Well , you fly out of the cave , and you see the first tree on the left ? " " Yes , " the other bat replied . " Well , I didn 't . " A duck walks into a bar and asks , " Got any grapes ? " The bartender , confused , tells the ducks that no , his bar doesn 't serve grapes . The duck thanks him and leaves . The next day , the duck returns and says , " Got any grapes ? " Again , the bartender tells him that , " no , the bar does not serve grapes , has never served grapes , and , furthermore , will never serve grapes . " The duck , a little ruffled , thanks him and leaves . The next day , the duck returns , but before he can say anything , the bartender begins to yell : " Listen , duck ! This is a bar ! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again , I will nail your little duck beak to the bar ! " The duck is silent for a moment , and then asks , " Got any nails ? " Confused , the bartender says " no " ! " Good ! " says the duck . " Got any grapes ? " There was a little old lady who was nearly blind , and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her . Son # 1 bought her a 15 - room mansion , thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her . Son # 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included , thinking this would surely win her approval . Son # 3 had to do something even better , so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible . You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible , and he could quote it word for word . What a gift that would be . Well , the old lady went to the first son and said , " Son , the house is just gorgeous , but it 's really much too big for me . I only live in one room , and it 's too large to clean and take care of . I really don 't need the house , but thank you anyway . " Then she confronted her second son with , " Son , the car is beautiful . It has everything you could ever want on it , but I don 't drive and really don 't like the chauffeur , so please return the car . " Next , she went to Son # 3 and said , " Son , I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift . That chicken was delicious . " I went to the store the other day . I was only in there for about five minutes , and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket . So I went up to him and said , ' Come on buddy , how about giving a guy a break ? ' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket . So I called him a stupid idiot . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires ! Then I really got angry at him . He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first . Then he started writing a third ticket ! This went on for about 20 minutes . The more I abused him , the more tickets he wrote . I didn 't care . My car was parked around the corner . John was in trouble , really big trouble . You see , he forgot his wedding anniversary and , if you 're married , you can imagine what he 's probably going through . His wife was really pissed . She told him " Tomorrow morning , I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE ! " She was serious too , so John got serious . The next morning he woke up early and left for work . When his wife woke up , she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped , right there in the middle of the driveway . Confused , the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway , brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation . Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale . John has been missing since Thursday . Two tourists were driving through Louisiana . As they were approaching Natchitoches , they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town . They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch . As they stood at the counter , one tourist asked the employee , " Before we order , could you please settle an argument for us ? Would you please pronounce where we are , very slowly " ? The guy leaned over the counter and said , " Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing . " Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson . The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord , explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together . Barbara understood and was ready . Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane , the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her . She jumped , and , after being in the air for a few seconds , pulled the rip cord . The instructor followed her out of the plane . He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn 't open . As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord , he shot downward and darted past Barbara . Seeing this , Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute , and yelled after him , " So you wanna race , huh ? ! " My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment . She arrived , and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated . Finally she said , " I know I had my cell phone with me . And now I can 't find it ! " I replied , " Aren 't you talking on it ! ? " There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by , " You are NOT going to tell anybody about this ! " I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals . I used to carefully note in large clear letters , " Meatloaf " or " Pot Roast " or " Steak and Vegetables or " Chicken and Dumplings " or " Beef Pot Pie . " However , I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things . So , I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes . If you look in my freezer now you 'll see a whole new set of labels . You 'll find dinners with neat little tags that say : " Whatever , " " Anything , " " I Don 't Know , " " I Don 't Care , " " Something Good , " or " Food . " My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner , I know that it is there waiting . The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $ 250 dress she had bought . " How could you do this ! " he exclaimed . " I don 't know , " she wailed , " I was standing in the store looking at the dress . Then I found myself trying it on . It was like the Devil was whispering to me , ' Gee , you look great in that dress . You should buy it . ' " " Well , " the pastor persisted , " You know how to deal with him ! Just tell him , " Get behind me , Satan ! " " I did , " replied his wife , " but then he said " It looks great from back here , too ! " A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license . He says " Lady , it says here that you should be wearing glasses . " The woman answered " Well , I have contacts . " The policeman replied " I don 't care who you know ! You 're getting a ticket ! " One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class . She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home . She read , " . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said , " Pardon me sir , but may I have some of that straw to build my house ? ' " The teacher paused then asked the class , " And what do you think that man said ? " One little boy raised his hand and said , " I think he said , " ' Holy Crow ! A talking pig ! ' " An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked , " Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money ? " Told that it was true , the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian . When they stopped , the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law . " No , no , " one replied . " We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks . " Posted by Three buddies die in a car crash , and they find themselves at the pearly gates . They are all asked , " When you are in your casket and friends andfamily are mourning upon you , what would you like to hear them sayabout you ? The first guy says , " I would like to hear them say that I was thegreatest doctor of my time , and a great family man . " The second guy says , " I would like to hear that I was a wonderfulhusband and school teacher who made a huge difference in ourchildren of tomorrow . " The last guy replies , " I would like to hear them say . . . LOOK ! ! ! HE ' S MOVING ! ! ! ! ! " One day a man went to an auction . While there , he bid on a parrot . He really wanted this bird , so he got caught up in the bidding . He kept on bidding , but kept getting outbid , so he bid higher and higher and higher . Finally , after he bid way more than he intended , he won the bid - the parrot was his at last ! As he was paying for the parrot , he said to the Auctioneer , " I sure hope this parrot can talk . I would hate to have paid this much for it , only to find out that he can 't talk ! " " Don 't worry . " said the Auctioneer , " He can talk . Who do you think kept bidding against you ? " Posted by Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard . Each was bragging about how great their fathers are . The first one said : " Well , my father runs the fastest . He can fire an arrow , and start to run , I tell you , he gets there before the arrow ! " The second one said : " Ha ! You think that 's fast ! My father is a hunter . He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet ! " Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head . He then said : " Sorry , dudes . . . but MY DAD is the fastest . He 's a civil servant . He stops working at 4 : 30 , . . . and he 's home by 3 : 45 ! " Posted by Two guys were in a bar , and they were both watching the television when the news came on . It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump , obviously suicidal . " I 'll bet you $ 10 he 'll jump , " said the first guy . " Bet you $ 10 he won 't , " said the second guy . Then , the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge . The second guy hands the first guy the money . " I can 't take your money , " said the first guy . " I cheated you . The same story was on the five o ' clock news . " " No , no . Take it , " said the second guy . " I saw the five o ' clock news too . I just didn 't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again ! Tech Support : " I need you to right - click on the Open Desktop . " Customer : " Ok . " Tech Support : " Did you get a pop - up menu ? " Customer : " No . " Tech Support : " Ok . Right click again . Do you see a pop - up menu ? " Customer : " No . " Tech Support : " Ok , sir . Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point ? " Customer : " Sure , you told me to write ' click ' and I wrote ' click . ' " A man was watching two guys working for the city . One would dig a hole , he would dig , dig , dig , the other would come behind him and fill the hole , fill , fill , fill . These two men worked furiously . One digging a hole , the other filling it up again . The man said to the hole digger , " I appreciate how hard you work , but what are you doing ? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again ! " The hole digger replied , " Yeah , it must look funny , but the guy who plants the trees is sick today . " Two guys went into a restaurant and sat down . They ordered two sodas , took sandwiches out of their packs , and started to eat them . The owner saw what was going on and walked over . " You can 't eat your own sandwiches in here ! " he complained . The two guys stopped , looked at each other , and swapped sandwiches . A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter - yelling and using foul language . However , the agent was polite , pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her . When the man finally left , the next person in line said to the agent , " Does that happen often ? I can 't believe how nice you were to him . " The agent smiled and said , " No problem , I took care of it . He 's going to Detroit . His bags are going to Bangkok . " Walking up to a department store 's fabric counter , a pretty girl asked , " I want to buy this material for a new dress . How much does it cost ? " " Only one kiss per yard , " replied the smirking male clerk . " That 's fine , " replied the girl . " I 'll take ten yards . " With expectation and anticipation written all over his face , the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth , then teasingly held it out . The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her . " Grandpa will pay the bill , " she smiled . Ron was almost 29 years old . Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next . Finally a friend asked him , " What 's the matter , are you looking for the perfect woman ? Are you THAT particular ? Can 't you find anyone who suits you ? " " No , " Ron replied . " I meet a lot of nice girls , but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents , my mother doesn 't like them . So I keep on looking ! " " Listen , " his friend suggested , " Why don 't you find a girl who 's just like your dear ole Mother ? " Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again . " So Ron . Did you find the perfect girl yet . One that 's just like your Mother ? " Ron shrugged his shoulders , " Yes I found one just like Mom . My mother loved her , they became great friends . " " Excellent ! ! ! So . . . Are you and this girl engaged yet ? " " I 'm afraid not , " Ron replied , " My Father can 't stand her ! " The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength . He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen . After several minutes , the older worker had had enough . " Why don 't you put your money where your mouth is , " he said . " I will bet a week 's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won 't be able to wheel back . " " You 're on , old man , " the braggart replied . " Let 's see what you got . " The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles . Then , nodding to the young man , he said , " All right . Get in . " HONESTYMy son Zachary , 4 , came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he 'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet . So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage . Zachary stood there thinking for a moment , then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush . He held it up and said with a charming little smile , " We better throw this one out too then , ' cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago . NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved . She was stark naked ! As I was reeling from the shock , I heard my 5 - year - old shout from the back seat , " Mom ! That lady isn 't wearing a seat belt ! MORE NUDITYA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women 's locker room . When he was spotted , the room burst into shrieks , with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover . The little boy watched in amazement and then asked , " What 's the matter haven 't you ever seen a little boy before ? " ELDERLYWhile working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut - ins , I used to take my 4 - year - old daughter on my afternoon rounds . The various appliances of old age , particularly the canes , walkers and wheelchairs , unfailingly intrigued her . One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass . As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions , she merely turned and whispered , " The tooth fairy will never believe this ! " BIBLEA little boy opened the big family bible . He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages . Suddenly , something fell out of the Bible . He picked up the object and looked at it . What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages . " Mama , look what I found " , the boy called out . " What have you got there , dear ? " With astonishment in the young boy 's voice , he answered , " I think it 's Adam 's underwear ! ! Two old friends met one day after many years . One attended college , and now was very successful . The other had not attended college and never had much ambition . The successful one said , " How has everything been going with you ? " " Well , one day I opened the Bible at random , and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil . So , I invested in oil , and boy , did the oil wells gush . Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold . So , I invested in gold and those mines really produced . Now , I 'm as rich as Bill Gates . " The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel , grabbed a Gideon Bible , flipped it open , and dropped his finger on a page . He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words , " Chapter Eleven . " A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle . At the end of the tour , the guide asks her how she enjoyed it . She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages . " Don 't worry , " says the guide . " I 've never seen a ghost all the time I 've been here . " " How long is that " ? asks the girl . " About three hundred years . " An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog . Visibility is practically nil , the radar system is on the blink , so the pilot has to land on wits alone . " Flaps , check , " he says to the co - pilot , " Landing Gear , check . Altitude , check . Right , we 're going in . Hold on . " The plane lands and comes to a screeching , grinding halt ; just short of the edge of the runway . " Holy Cow ! " exclaims the pilot , " This must be the shortest runway I 've ever landed on ! " The co - pilot looks left and right and says " Yeah , and about the widest , too . . . Two rednecks go on a fishing trip . They rent all the equipment - the reels , the rods , the wading suits , the rowboat , the car , and even a cabin in the woods . I mean they spend a fortune ! The first day they go fishing , but they don 't catch anything . The same thing happens on the second day , and on the third day . It goes on like this until finally , on the last day of their vacation , one of the men catches a fish . As they 're driving home they 're really depressed . One guy turns to the other and says , " Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks ? " The other guy says , " Wow ! Then it 's a good thing we didn 't catch any more ! " I walked into my sister 's kitchen and found my nephew , Mitch , having a snack . " Where 's your mother ? " I asked . " She said she was going to take a shower . Just a second and I 'll see . " Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast . An indignant yell came from above . Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said , " Yep , she 's in the shower . " A man left for work one Friday afternoon . But it was payday , so instead of going home , he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check . When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night , he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions . Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him , " How would you like it if you didn 't see me for two or three days " ? He replied , " That would be fine with me . " Monday went by and he didn 't see his wife . Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results . But on Thursday , the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye . Fellow 1 : " Now my grandfather , he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die . It was the right year too . Not only that , but he knew what time he would die that day , and he was right about that , too . " Fellow 2 : " Wow , that 's Incredible . How did he know all of that ? " Fellow 1 : " A judge told him . " A couple moved to the country when they retired . One mild winter , they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage . So , they bought one of those little sub - sonic mouse repellents . The kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice . The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent . He told her that it worked on everything from mice to elephants . " Really " ? she said . " Mice to elephants , huh " ? sounding a bit skeptical . " Yes , " he replied , seriously . " We 've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven 't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time ! " The other day , Nancy and I got into some petty argument . ( I say it was petty . She would have said it was Armageddon . ) As is our nature , neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error . To her credit , Nancy finally said , " Look . I 'll tell you what . I 'll admit I 'm wrong if you admit I was right . " " Fine . " I said . She took a deep breath , looked me in the eye and said , " I 'm wrong . " I grinned and replied , " You 're right . " When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding , she asked to wear her mother 's wedding dress . She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame . As her mother 's eyes welled up with tears , Andrea put an arm around her . " You 're not losing a daughter " , she reminded her mother in time - honored fashion , " you 're gaining a son . " " Oh forget about that ! " said her mother with a sob , " I used to fit into that dress ! " Two little boys , ages eight and 10 , are excessively mischievous . They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it . If any mischief occurs in their town , the two boys are probably involved . The boys ' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children , so she asked if he would speak with her boys . The preacher agreed , but he asked to see them individually . So , the mother sent the eight - year - old first , in the morning , with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon . The preacher , a huge man with a deep booming voice , sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly , " Do you know where God is , son " ? The boy 's mouth dropped open , but he made no response , sitting there wide - eyed and his mouth hanging open . So , the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone , " Where is God " ? Again , the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy 's face and bellowed , " Where is God " ? The boy screamed and bolted from the room . He ran directly home and dove into his closet , slamming the door behind him . When his older brother found him in the closet , he asked , " What happened " ? The younger brother , gasping for breath , replied , " We are in big trouble this time . " God is missing and they think we did it ! " Larry 's barn burned down and his wife , Susan , called the insurance company . Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said , " We had that barn insured for fifty thousand , and I want my money . " The agent replied , " Whoa there , just a minute . Insurance doesn 't work quite like that . An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured , and then we 'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth . " There was a long pause , and then Susan replied , " If that 's how it works , then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband . " A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written . The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word . She pauses , reflects and then says , " Well , then , just let it read , ' Billy Bob died ' . " Amused at the woman 's thrift , the editor says , " Sorry ma ' am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries . " A little flustered , she thinks things over and replies , " In that case , let it read , ' Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale ' . For all the golfers out there and their patient , loving wives . . . Paul and his wife walked into a dentist 's office . Paul said to the dentist , " Doc , I 'm in one hell of a big hurry ! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf . So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it - - I don 't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work ! The dentist thought to himself , " My goodness - - Paul is a very brave man , asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain . " So the dentist asked him , " Which tooth is it , sir ? " Paul turned to Barbara and said , " Open your mouth , Honey , and show the doctor which tooth hurts . " A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife : Dear Husband , " I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden . When is the best time to plant them ? " The prisioner , knowing that the prison guards read all the mail , replied in a letter : Dear Wife , " Whatever you do , DO NOT touch the back garden ! That is where I hid all the gold . " A week or so later , he received another letter from his wife : Dear Husband , " You wouldn 't believe what happened . Some men came with shovels to the house , and dug up the whole back garden . " The prisoner wrote another letter : Dear wife , " NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce ! " A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams . Now what should he do ? His mother had an idea : " Why don 't you send her flowers , and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home - cooked meal ? " He thought this was a great strategy , and arranged a date for a week later . His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone . " The evening was a disaster , " he moaned . " Why , didn 't she come over ? " asked his mother . " Oh , she came over , but she refused to cook . . . . " We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the " seniors ' special " was two eggs , bacon , hash browns and toast for $ 1 . 99 . " Sounds good , " my wife said . " But I don 't want the eggs . " " Then I 'll have to charge you two dollars and forty - nine cents because you 're ordering a la carte , " the waitress warned her . " You mean I 'd have to pay for not taking the eggs ? " My wife asked incredulously . " I 'll take the special . " " How do you want your eggs ? " " Raw and in the shell , " my wife replied . She took the two eggs home . DON ' T MESS WITH SENIORS It was a full auditorium . Halfway through the author 's talk , she began to feel sick . In a calm voice , she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage , in her bag . She walked off slowly and , as soon as she was out of sight , ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up . She was just about finished when someone came into the bath - room to tell her that her lapel mike was still on . A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant . The husband stood up and shrugged saying , " This doesn 't feel so bad . " The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up . " You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant , the way my wife would do it ? " the husband asked . " Exactly , " replied the instructor . To the delight of the other husbands , he turned to his wife and said , " Honey , pick up that pen for me . " Posted by About 90 fifth - graders piled into the airliner I was flying , on their way home from a school trip . Once we were in the air , and the crew began serving drinks , I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep . No amount of reasoning seemed to help , until I thought of the solution that actually worked . I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced , " Children , this is the captain speaking . Don 't make me stop this airplane and come back there ! " About 90 fifth - graders piled into the airliner I was flying , on their way home from a school trip . Once we were in the air , and the crew began serving drinks , I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep . No amount of reasoning seemed to help , until I thought of the solution that actually worked . I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced , " Children , this is the captain speaking . Don 't make me stop this airplane and come back there ! " Posted by About 90 fifth - graders piled into the airliner I was flying , on their way home from a school trip . Once we were in the air , and the crew began serving drinks , I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep . No amount of reasoning seemed to help , until I thought of the solution that actually worked . I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced , " Children , this is the captain speaking . Don 't make me stop this airplane and come back there ! " Posted by The boss called one of his employees into the office . " Rob , " he said , " you 've been with the company for a year . You started off in the post room , one week later you were promoted to a sales position , and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department . Just four short months later , you were promoted to vice - chairman . Now it 's time for me to retire , and I want you to take over the company . What do you say to that ? " " Thanks , " said the employee . " Thanks ? " the boss replied . " Is that all you can say ? " " I suppose not , " the employee said . " Thanks , Dad . " On their anniversary night , the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine , turned on the soft reading lamp , slipped off her shoes , patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself . " How romantic ! " she thought . Two - and - a - half hours later , she was still waiting for dinner to be served . She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess . Her hurried husband , removing something indescribable from the smoking oven , saw her in the doorway . " Almost ready ! " he vowed . " Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker . " " Why , honey , how long could that have taken you ? " " More ' n an hour , I reckon . Wasn 't easy stuffin ' it through those dumb little holes . " A fourth - grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic . " Here is the situation , " she said . " A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river , fishing . He loses his balance , falls in , and begins splashing and yelling for help . His wife hears the commotion , knows he can 't swim , and runs down to the bank . Why do you think she ran to the bank ? " A girl raised her hand and asked , " To draw out all his savings ? " A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question . The driver screamed , lost control of the car , nearly hit a bus , went up on the sidewalk , and stopped centimeters from a shop window . For a second , everything went quiet in the cab , then the driver said , " Look mate , don 't ever do that again . You scared the daylights out of me ! " The passenger apologized and said he didn 't realize that a little tap could scare him so much . The driver replied , " Sorry , it 's not really your fault . Today is my first day as a cab driver - I 've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years . " A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question . The driver screamed , lost control of the car , nearly hit a bus , went up on the sidewalk , and stopped centimeters from a shop window . For a second , everything went quiet in the cab , then the driver said , " Look mate , don 't ever do that again . You scared the daylights out of me ! " The passenger apologized and said he didn 't realize that a little tap could scare him so much . The driver replied , " Sorry , it 's not really your fault . Today is my first day as a cab driver - I 've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years . " A man buys a hundred goldfish . There are so many of them that he decides to keep them in his bathtub . One day the man invites his friend over to see all his beautiful goldfish . The friend is impressed , and remarks , " They sure are beautiful , but what do you do when you want to take a bath ? " To which the man replies , " I blindfold them . " A man buys a hundred goldfish . There are so many of them that he decides to keep them in his bathtub . One day the man invites his friend over to see all his beautiful goldfish . The friend is impressed , and remarks , " They sure are beautiful , but what do you do when you want to take a bath ? " To which the man replies , " I blindfold them . " A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him . The bartender asks for his order , and the man says , " I 'll have a beer , " and turns to the ostrich . " What 's yours ? " " I 'll have a beer , too , " says the ostrich . The bartender pours the beer and says , " That will be $ 3 . 40 please , " and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment . The next day , the man and the ostrich come again , and both order a beer . Once again , the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change . This becomes a routine until , late one evening , the two enter again and the bartender asks , " The usual ? " " Well , it 's close to last call , so I 'll have a large scotch , " says the man . " Same for me , " says the ostrich . " That will be $ 7 . 20 , " says the bartender . Once again , the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar . The bartender can 't hold back his curiosity any longer . " Excuse me , sir . How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time ? " Well , " says the man , " several years ago I was cleaning the attic , and I found an old lamp . When I rubbed it , a genie appeared and offered me two wishes . My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything , I just put my hand in my pocket , and the right amount of money will always be there . " " That 's brilliant ! " says the bartender . " Most people would wish for a million dollars or something , but you 'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live ! " That 's right ! Whether it 's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce , the exact money is always there , " says the man . The bartender asks , " One other thing , sir ; what 's with the ostrich ? " The man replies , " My second wish was for a chick with long legs . " A large company , feeling it was time for a shakeup , hired a new CEO . This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers . On a tour of the facilities , the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall . The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business ! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked , " How much money do you make a week ? " A little surprised , the young fellow looked at him and replied , " I make $ 300 . 00 a week . Why ? " The CEO then handed the guy $ 1 , 200 in cash and screamed , " Here 's four weeks ' pay , now GET OUT and don 't come back . " Feeling pretty good about himself , the CEO looked around the room and asked , " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof - off did here ? " From across the room came a voice , " Pizza delivery guy from Domino 's . " A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day . " In English , " he said , " a double negative forms a positive . In some languages though , such as Russian , a double negative is still a negative . " " However , " he pointed out , " there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative . " A voice from the back of the room piped up , " Yeah . Right . " When the power mower was broken and wouldn 't run . I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed , but somehow the message never sank in . Finally , though , I thought of a clever way to make my point . When my husband arrived home that day , he found me seated out in the yard in the tall grass , busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors . He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house . He was gone only a few moments , when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush . " When you finish cutting the grass , " he said , " you might as well sweep the sidewalk too . " The doctors say he will probably live , but I can guarantee you , it will be quite a while before those casts come off ! " A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street . " But officer , " the man began , " I can explain . " " Just be quiet , " snapped the officer . " I 'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back . " " But , officer , I just wanted to say . . . " " And I said to keep quiet ! You 're going to jail ! " A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said , " Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter 's wedding . He 'll be in a good mood when he gets back . " " Don 't count on it , " answered the fellow in the cell . " I 'm the groom . " A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk . Wanting to help , he asked the drunk " do you live here ? " " Yep " . " Would you like me to help you upstairs ? " " Yep " . When they got up on the second floor , the good person asked , " Is this your floor ? " " Yep " . Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn 't want to face the man 's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk . So , he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs . However , when he went back outside , there was another drunk . So he asked that drunk " Do you live here ? " " Yep " . " Would you like me to help you upstairs ? " " Yep " . So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk . Then went back downstairs . Where , to his surprise , there was another drunk . So he started over to him . But before he got to him , the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried " Please officer , protect me from this man ! He 's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft ! " A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers . Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $ 9 . 00 . " But I paid , don 't you remember ? " says the customer . " Okay , " says the bartender , " If you say you paid , you did . " The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can 't keep track of whether his customers have paid . The second man then rushes in , orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt . The barkeep replies , " If you say you paid , I 'll take your word for it . " Soon the customer goes into the street , sees an old friend , and tells him how to get free drinks . The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high - balls when , suddenly , the bartender leans over sand says , " You know , a funny thing happened in here tonight . Two men were drinking beer , neither paid and both claimed that they did . The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face . " " Don 't bother me with your troubles , " the final patron responds . " Just give me my change and I 'll be on my way . " In search of a new shower for our home , my wife and I went to a bathroom - supply store . We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman . Since it was near closing time , we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision . Later that evening , my wife and I were at a restaurant , where the same young lady from the bathroom - supply store was now working a shift as a waitress . As she passed our table , she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice , " HEY ! You 're the man who needs a shower ! " The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys . I told my wife that I would be home by midnight . . . " I promise ! " Well , the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy . At 3 am , drunk as a skunk , I headed for home . Just as I got in the door , the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times . Quickly , I realized she 'd probably wake up , so I cuckooed another 9 times . I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid , witty solution , even when smashed , to escape a possible conflict . The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in , and I told her 12 o ' clock . She didn 't seem disturbed at all . Got away with that one , I thought ! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock . When I asked her why she said , " Well , last night it cuckooed 3 times , then said , ' Oh crap , ' cuckooed 4 more times , cleared its throat , cuckooed another 3 times , giggled , cuckooed twice more , and then farted . " 1 . Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian . Think about it . 2 . Beauty isn 't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear , but what we are inside . So , try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration ! 3 . Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did ! ! ! 4 . So many options for suicide : Poison , sleeping pills , hanging , jumping from a building , lying on train tracks , but we chose Marriage , slow sure ! 5 . All desirable things in life are either illegal , banned , expensive or married to someone else ! 6 . Laziness is our biggest enemy - Jawaharlal NehruWe should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi7 . 10 % of road accidents are due to drunken driving . Which makes it a logical statement that 90 % of accidents are due to driving without drinking ! Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway . The first day , he painted ten miles of road . The second day , he only painted five . His boss , seeing how he was getting slower , decided to give him a day off , thinking that he needed a rest . When he came back the next day , he only painted 1 / 2 mile of road . His now discouraged boss asked , " Excuse me , but why have you been painting less and less each day , even after I gave you a day off ? " " Simple , " Darryl answered . " I keep getting farther away from the paint can ! " Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway . The first day , he painted ten miles of road . The second day , he only painted five . His boss , seeing how he was getting slower , decided to give him a day off , thinking that he needed a rest . When he came back the next day , he only painted 1 / 2 mile of road . His now discouraged boss asked , " Excuse me , but why have you been painting less and less each day , even after I gave you a day off ? " " Simple , " Darryl answered . " I keep getting farther away from the paint can ! " Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway . The first day , he painted ten miles of road . The second day , he only painted five . His boss , seeing how he was getting slower , decided to give him a day off , thinking that he needed a rest . When he came back the next day , he only painted 1 / 2 mile of road . His now discouraged boss asked , " Excuse me , but why have you been painting less and less each day , even after I gave you a day off ? " " Simple , " Darryl answered . " I keep getting farther away from the paint can ! " " George is so forgetful , " the sales manager complained to his secretary . " It 's a wonder he can sell anything . I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch and I 'm not sure he 'll even remember to come back . " Just then , the door flew open and in bounced George . " You 'll never guess what happened ! " he shouted . " While I was at lunch , I met old man Brown , who hasn 't bought anything from us for five years . Well , we got to talking and he gave me this half - million dollar order ! " " See , " sighed the sales manager to his secretary . " I told you he 'd forget the sandwiches . " Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large , raging violent river . Needing to get on the other side , the first man prayed , " Lord , please give me the strength to cross the river . " Poof ! Lord gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours , having almost drowned twice . After witnessing that , the second man prayed , " Lord , please give me strength and the tools to cross the river . " Poof ! Lord gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once . Seeing what happened to the first two men , the third man prayed , " Lord , please give me the strength , the tools and the intelligence to cross this river . " Poof ! He was turned into a woman . She checked the map , hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge . A woman was chatting with her next - door neighbor . " I feel really good today . I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity . I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum . " " You gave a bum twenty whole dollars ? That 's a lot of money to just give away . What did your husband say about it ? " " Oh , he thought it was the proper thing to do . He said , ' Thanks . ' " A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention . Four of them decided to leave , and walked out together . One said to the other three , " People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears , but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems . " The others agreed . Then one said , " Since we are all professionals , why don 't we take some time right now to hear each other out ? " The other three agreed . The first then confessed , " I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients . " The second psychiatrist said , " I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want . " The third followed with , " I 'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me . " The fourth psychiatrist then confessed , " I know I 'm not supposed to , but no matter how hard I try , I can 't keep a secret . . . " John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days . As they slid in to a booth , John wiped some crumbs from the seat . Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table . The waitress , in a dirty uniform , came over and asked if they wanted some menus . " No thanks , " said John , " I 'll just have a cup of black coffee . " " I 'll have black coffee , too , " Jake said . " And please make sure the cup is clean . " The waitress shot him a nasty look . She turned and marched off in to the kitchen . Two minutes later , she was back . " Two cups of black coffee , " she announced . " Which one of you wanted the clean cup ? " A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly . After long hours of effort , he reaches the top , jumps into the air waving his front legs , until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell . After recovering his consciousness , he starts to climb the tree again , jumps again , and knocks the ground heavily again . The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch , watched the turtle with pain . Suddenly the female bird says to the male , " Dear , I think it 's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted . " A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly . After long hours of effort , he reaches the top , jumps into the air waving his front legs , until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell . After recovering his consciousness , he starts to climb the tree again , jumps again , and knocks the ground heavily again . The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch , watched the turtle with pain . Suddenly the female bird says to the male , " Dear , I think it 's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted . " Posted by A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly . After long hours of effort , he reaches the top , jumps into the air waving his front legs , until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell . After recovering his consciousness , he starts to climb the tree again , jumps again , and knocks the ground heavily again . The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch , watched the turtle with pain . Suddenly the female bird says to the male , " Dear , I think it 's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted . " Posted by One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception . Although this was an innocent gesture , he decided not to mention it to his wife , who tended to get jealous easily . The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res - taurant . Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high - heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat . Not wanting to be conspicuous , he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car . With a sigh of relief , he pulled into the restaurant parking lot . That 's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat . " Honey , " she asked , " have you seen my other shoe ? " One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception . Although this was an innocent gesture , he decided not to mention it to his wife , who tended to get jealous easily . The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res - taurant . Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high - heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat . Not wanting to be conspicuous , he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car . With a sigh of relief , he pulled into the restaurant parking lot . That 's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat . " Honey , " she asked , " have you seen my other shoe ? " The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes . He replied , " It 's easy ! " and he pulled out his card table , setting his display of brushes on top . He told his boss , " I lay the brushes out like this , and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers . " He laid out his chips and dip . " That 's a very innovative approach , " his boss said , as he took one of the chips , dipped it , and stuck it in his mouth . " Yuck , this tastes terrible ! " The salesman replied " IT IS ? Want to buy a toothbrush ? " One day during cooking class , the teacher , Mrs . Jones , was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces . When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments , she said , " Don 't forget to use wooden spoons . " As I stirred my sauce , I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon , and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction . I approached Mrs . Jones to test my theory . " Why wooden spoons ? " I asked . " Because , " she replied , " if I have to sit here listening to twenty - three metal spoons banging against metal pots , I 'll go nuts . " Posted by A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter . Fortunately , the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his . The neighbor happened to be a lawyer . Incensed by the theft , the butcher called up his neighbor and said , " If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop , would you be liable for the cost of the meat ? " The lawyer replied , " Of course . How much was the roast ? " " $ 7 . 98 , " said the butcher . A few days later , the butcher received a check in the mail for $ 7 . 98 . Attached to it was an invoice that read , Legal Consultation Service : $ 150 . A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter . Fortunately , the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his . The neighbor happened to be a lawyer . Incensed by the theft , the butcher called up his neighbor and said , " If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop , would you be liable for the cost of the meat ? " The lawyer replied , " Of course . How much was the roast ? " " $ 7 . 98 , " said the butcher . A few days later , the butcher received a check in the mail for $ 7 . 98 . Attached to it was an invoice that read , Legal Consultation Service : $ 150 . Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged . However , while working as a student nurse , I found one elderly gentleman - - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - - who insisted he didn 't need my help to leave the hospital . After a chat about rules being rules , he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator . On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him . " I don 't know , " he said . " She 's still upstairs in the bath - room changing out of her hospital gown . " A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money . Once he is given the money , he turns to a customer and asks , " Did you see me rob this bank ? " The man replied , " Yes sir , I did . " The robber then shot him in the temple , killing him instantly . He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man , " Did you see me rob this bank ? " The man replied , " No sir , I didn 't , but my wife did ! " There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising . Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings . One of the men picks it up , and the following conversation ensues : " Hello ? " " Honey , it 's me . Are you at the club ? " " Yes . " " Great ! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are . I just saw a beautiful mink coat . It 's absolutely gorgeous ! ! Can I buy it ? " " What 's the price ? " " Only $ 1 , 500 . 00 . " " Well , OK , go ahead and get it , if you like it that much . . . " " Ahhh , and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and sawthe 2001 models . I saw one I really liked . I spoke with the salesman , and he gave me a really good price . . . and since we need to exchangethe BMW that we bought last year . . . " " What price did he quote you ? " " Only $ 60 , 000 . . . " " OK , but for that price I want it with all the options . " " Great ! But before we hang up , something else . . . " " What ? " " It might look like a lot , but I was reconciling your bank account andI stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the housewe had looked at last year . It 's on sale ! ! Remember ? The one with a pool , English Garden , acre of park area , beachfront property . . . " " How much are they asking ? " " Only $ 450 , 000 - a magnificent price . . . and I see that we have thatmuch in the bank to cover . . . " " Well , then go ahead and buy it , but just bid $ 420 , 000 . OK ? " " OK , sweetie . . . Thanks ! I 'll see you later ! ! I love you ! ! ! " " Bye . . . I do too . . . " The man hangs up , closes the phone 's flap , and raises his hand whileholding the phone and asks to all those present : " Does anyone know who this phone belongs to ? A woman went to the doctor 's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors . After about four minutes in the examination room , she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall . An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was , and she told him her story . After listening , he had her sit down and relax in another room . The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard . " What 's the matter with you ? " the older doctor demanded . " Mrs . Terry is61 years old , has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant ? " The younger doctor continued writing , and without looking up and said , " Does she still have the hiccups ? " Two guys were in a bar , and they were both watching the television when the news came on . It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump , obviously suicidal . " I 'll bet you $ 10 he 'll jump , " said the first guy . " Bet you $ 10 he won 't , " said the second guy . Then , the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge . The second guy hands the first guy the money . " I can 't take your money , " said the first guy . " I cheated you . The same story was on the five o ' clock news . " " No , no . Take it , " said the second guy . " I saw the five o ' clock news too . I just didn 't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again ! " Posted by Two guys were in a bar , and they were both watching the television when the news came on . It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump , obviously suicidal . " I 'll bet you $ 10 he 'll jump , " said the first guy . " Bet you $ 10 he won 't , " said the second guy . Then , the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge . The second guy hands the first guy the money . " I can 't take your money , " said the first guy . " I cheated you . The same story was on the five o ' clock news . " " No , no . Take it , " said the second guy . " I saw the five o ' clock news too . I just didn 't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again ! " Well , there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes . So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals . Back in the office the next day , some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke . She interrupted him with a shrill announcement , " I 've had it up to here with these blonde jokes . I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do . . . I memorized all the state capitals . " One of the guys , of course , said " I don 't believe you . What is the capital of Nevada ? " " N " , she answered . Well , there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes . So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals . Back in the office the next day , some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke . She interrupted him with a shrill announcement , " I 've had it up to here with these blonde jokes . I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do . . . I memorized all the state capitals . " One of the guys , of course , said " I don 't believe you . What is the capital of Nevada ? " " N " , she answered . Posted by A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend . Everything was too expensive , except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing . He asked the store to send it , hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit . In due time , the man received an acknowledgment from his friend . " Thanks for the vase , " it read . " It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately . " A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend . Everything was too expensive , except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing . He asked the store to send it , hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit . In due time , the man received an acknowledgement from his friend . " Thanks for the vase , " it read . " It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately . " Kendra grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop . She held up the thermos , and the barista quickly came over to take her order . " Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee ? " Kendra asked . The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos , hesitated a few seconds , then finally replied , " Yeah . It looks like about six cups to me . " " Oh , good ! " Kendra sighed in relief , " Then give me two regular , two black , and two decaf . " Kendra grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop . She held up the thermos , and the barista quickly came over to take her order . " Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee ? " Kendra asked . The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos , hesitated a few seconds , then finally replied , " Yeah . It looks like about six cups to me . " " Oh , good ! " Kendra sighed in relief , " Then give me two regular , two black , and two decaf . " Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years . He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 % . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said , " Your hearing is perfect . Your family must be really pleased you can hear again . " To which the gentleman said , " Oh , I haven 't told my family yet . I just sit around and listen to the conversations . I 've changed my will five times ! " A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically , almost in a dancing frenzy , with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle . Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current , she whacked him with a handy plank of wood , breaking his arm in two places . Up to that moment , he had been happily listening to his Walkman . Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy 's checkbook , Mike made a deal with her ; he would look at it , but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape . The following night , after spending hours poring over stubs and figures , Cindy said proudly , " I 've done it ! I made it balance ! " Impressed , Mike came over to take a look . " Let 's see . . . mortgage 550 . 00 , electricity 70 . 50 , phone 35 . 00 . " His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry . " It says here ESP , $ 615 . What the heck is that ? " " Oh , " she said , " That means , Error Some Place ! " Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy 's checkbook , Mike made a deal with her ; he would look at it , but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape . The following night , after spending hours poring over stubs and figures , Cindy said proudly , " I 've done it ! I made it balance ! " Impressed , Mike came over to take a look . " Let 's see . . . mortgage 550 . 00 , electricity 70 . 50 , phone 35 . 00 . " His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry . " It says here ESP , $ 615 . What the heck is that ? " " Oh , " she said , " That means , Error Some Place ! " A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver 's license exam . She handles most of the maneuvers quite well . She has a little trouble parallel parking , however , and winds up a couple of feet from the curb . " Could you get a little closer ? " the examiner asks . The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner . " Now what ? " Posted by A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver 's license exam . She handles most of the maneuvers quite well . She has a little trouble parallel parking , however , and winds up a couple of feet from the curb . " Could you get a little closer ? " the examiner asks . The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner . " Now what ? " Posted by This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer . He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper . Well , his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work , so she scolded him . " I can 't believe you 're aking me about supper right now ! Imagine I 'm out of town , go inside and figure dinner out yourself . " So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak , with potatoes , garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea . The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him , " You fixed something to eat ? So where is mine ? " " Huh ? I thought you were out of town . " Posted by This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer . He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper . Well , his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work , so she scolded him . " I can 't believe you 're aking me about supper right now ! Imagine I 'm out of town , go inside and figure dinner out yourself . " So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak , with potatoes , garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea . The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him , " You fixed something to eat ? So where is mine ? " " Huh ? I thought you were out of town . " Leaving Montreal for Quebec , I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road . I went into the washroom . The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall . I 'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall . . . Hi there , how 's it going ? " Now I 'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road . I didn 't know what to say , but finally I said , " . . . Not bad . . . " Then the voice said , " So , what are you doing ? " I thought that was kind of weird , but I said , " Well , I 'm just going to the bathroom , then I 'm going back East . . . " The voice interrupted , " Look , I 'm going to have to call you back . Every time I ask you a question , this goober in the next stall keeps answering me ! " Leaving Montreal for Quebec , I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road . I went into the washroom . The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall . I 'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall . . . Hi there , how 's it going ? " Now I 'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road . I didn 't know what to say , but finally I said , " . . . Not bad . . . " Then the voice said , " So , what are you doing ? " I thought that was kind of weird , but I said , " Well , I 'm just going to the bathroom , then I 'm going back East . . . " The voice interrupted , " Look , I 'm going to have to call you back . Every time I ask you a question , this goober in the next stall keeps answering me ! " Computer novices may feel like they 're alone these days , but the following call to Microsoft 's help center shows there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway . After a caller gave a technician her PC 's serial number , he scanned a database of registered users and responded , " I see you have an Aptiva " desktop unit . Before he could say another word , the caller shrieked and said she 'd be right back . When the customer returned , the technician asked if she was all right . The caller responded : " Had I realized you could see me , I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe . " Computer novices may feel like they 're alone these days , but the following call to Microsoft 's help center shows there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway . After a caller gave a technician her PC 's serial number , he scanned a database of registered users and responded , " I see you have an Aptiva " desktop unit . Before he could say another word , the caller shrieked and said she 'd be right back . When the customer returned , the technician asked if she was all right . The caller responded : " Had I realized you could see me , I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe . " Posted by A little boy got on the bus , sat next to a man reading a book , and noticed he had his collar on backwards . The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards . The man , who was a priest , said , ' I am a Father . . ' The little boy replied , ' My Daddy doesn 't wear his collar like that . ' The priest looked up from his book and answered , ' ' I am the Father of many . ' The boy said , ' ' My Dad has 4 boys , 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn 't wear his collar that way ! ' The priest , getting impatient , said . ' I am the Father of hundreds ' , and went back to reading his book . The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while , then leaned over and said , ' Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar . ' My husband had run to the store with our daughters , Sarah ( 4 ) and Hannah ( 2 ) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale . After a bit Sarah asked , " Daddy , what are we doing ? " My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale . Sarah asked " Are you gonna buy a new house ? " Dad replied " Maybe . " Then Sarah said with much concern , " But Dad , how will we get it HOME ? ! " Posted by Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning . " Nobody in school likes me , " he complained . " The teachers don 't like me , the kids don 't like me , the superintendent wants to transfer me , the bus drivers hate me , the school board wants me to drop out , and the custodians have it in for me . I don 't want to go to school . " " But you have to go to school , " said his mother sternly . " You 're healthy , you have a lot to learn , you have something to offer others , you are a leader . And besides , you are 45 years old and you are the ' Principal ' . " Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk , the Tom Cruise look - alike apologized , " Pardon me ! " " That 's quite all right , " the woman replied . " You look just like my fourth husband . " " Wow ! " he said . " How many times have you been married ? " She winked at him and said , " Three . " A little boy was afraid of dark . One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom . The little boy turned to his mother and said , " Mama , I don 't want to go out there . It 's dark . " The mother smiled reassuringly at her son . you don 't have to be afraid of the dark , " she explained . " Jesus is out there He 'll look after you and protect you . " The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked , " Are you sure he 's out there ? " " Yes , I 'm sure . He is everywhere , and he is always ready to help you when you need him . " she said . The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little . Peering out into the darkness , he called , " Jesus ? If you 're out there , would you please hand me the broom ? " |
I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . I must tell you all , right off the bat , that I know I haven 't written anything for several weeks . I really feel bad about it because I know it helps me get through a lot . I 've put my volunteer work on hold for this month because of the extreme anxiety I 'm feeling about my health and the crazy developments with my father 's estate and , as such , the state of my family life . The stresses have really gotten to me where I am , once again , staying away from the outside world most of the time and hiding in my online games . So boring I know . I do go to my appointments and have made more effort into cooking some meals the last few days than relying on junk food . It helps that Carly is home to eat . After messing up the last 2 appointments booked with my new mental health worker we finally met each other for the second time . It all went well until she asked me how my typical day goes . I was quite embarrassed about it until I remembered that I do get up early twice a week for when my granddaughter comes over for the day . ( So fun to be with her … two years old and so cute and full of goof ) . She asked me what my stresses are and I told her about the above mentioned in more detail . It was a pretty substantial list but mostly I have such fast and negative thoughts . Then I was to go over the positive things in my life which were fewer but still easy to come up with ; kids , boyfriend , and my finances are a little better . I was also to tell her about what I do to help the with stress . Again the list was small but at the end of the meeting she said that column would eventually be full and she could see how low my self - worth and self - esteem were and she has the tools to work on those negative thoughts . It 's been mind - numbing during the day and my sleep is filled with monsters and fear . Restful sleep is really not a part of my nights . It 's mostly 3 or 4 in the morning when my brain will finally shut down and my eyes slam shut for anywhere from 5 to 12 hours of sleep . I slept a day away a few weeks ago with a total of 19 hours . Crazy . My fella and I were finally getting to have some time together and were going out for supper except I kinda and sorta forgot about the going out part only because it was later than I thought we would be going . He called and said he was here and I had just got out of the shower and was dripping wet , naked and just figured , no problem , I 'll just throw something on and let him into my building like I usually do . I went to the front door , where he usually waits , then the back door but no fella . I was quite confused . I called him and asked him where the heck was he and he said at the front in the # 1 parking space . So , after wandering around the hallway in my nightie for another couple of minutes it dawned on me about the going out part . What to wear ? I felt all hot and sweaty after all that running around so I put on a tank top and jeans and put hair products in my very wet hair and ran out the door . He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant but I told him I wasn 't really dressed for one ( that 's for sure ! ) so he suggested a favourite pizza joint we both like . It was very crowded and we were waiting for a table when I noticed someone eating at a table nearby who doesn 't like me too much and the feelings are quite mutual . I hid behind my fella after warning him . He was worried about a cat fight or me being so uncomfortable that we should go . I told him not to worry , I have big ovaries and can take it but could he please buy me a glass of wine tonight ? Absolutely , he said . So all the tables were full except for one right beside this person and a whole bunch of reserved ones . The owner of the restaurant told us to sit in the reserved section for now until a booth became available . " Don 't you guys leave , " she said . Whew . We sat in the reserved section ( getting the stinky eye from THAT table ) until a group of volleyball players started to arrive . It was then I noticed how hot my feet were as I listened to my fella regale me with his own restaurant stories . I tried to remember which shoes I put on when , to my horror , I looked down at my feet and saw … . My fella had me howling with laughter when I confessed to my slipper shuffle . He does that all the time . He said he was going to get me a hospital gown to go with my slippers for next time we go out so I can really look the part . It was then I remembered what I told my worker about the fear I had that people looked at me funny and man … I was laughing so hard . We both were . I had to put a little extra shuffle in my step for the rest of the night and the code word was " slippers " to make me start laughing all over again . Supper was great . At the end when my fella was paying the bill I asked the owner how her trip to Greece went . She told us that she went there to find all her old boyfriends so she could fuck them since she was too young to do that when she lived there as a young girl . She didn 't find any . It was great to get out . It did me a world of good . I 'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving with my sister 's family and my group . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . Oh I have been a bad girl , missing at least 3 posts I had committed to writing . Things are so busy with summer and all . I find myself getting out of the apartment just about everyday now except maybe for most weekends . I just came back from 5 days at the beach with my daughter and my sister 's family . I also was able to bring out my oldest granddaughter for the weekend . It was " Gamma Gamma " and some new words and lots of new dance steps as well as our old favourites . Even the nephews got into The Wiggles ! Our little gal had lots of fun . I miss her now . It 's been great to feel the freedom from the isolation I had for the last few years . This getting out everyday sure opened my eyes to my city . Buses are still the fun part of the day with screaming babies , drunks who want to smell my hair and sometimes meeting up with old friends for those brief moments until whoever 's stop comes first . I 've been handling the death of my dad by keeping very busy . It 's been kind of strange helping my sister do inventory on his estate and seeing some things for the first time and yet see the things he used every day too . I love how he and my mom are now both in my dreams at night . One thing I am happy to say is we found my missing sister ! Alive and as well as she can possibly be and in touch with another family member . Such a relief when I found out . I was in tears knowing she still walked this earth even though her demons are still chasing her . I don 't think I will ever see her again as it would be too difficult for her but having some contact through another trusted person makes it okay . All that weight I lost is slowly coming back and Dr . G wants blood work done before I have my next appointment . Fasting blood work . Meanie . He 's glad I seemed to have met a really nice man and also finally made my connection with a mental health worker . Dr . G is so pleased with my progress these last few months . I do feel so much better with more positive things in my life . These help me handle the negatives going on . It amazes me how someone can disappear like that . No Manitoba Health card for over 5 years so no medical treatments in that time . She didn 't even have a card when we know she lived here for sure . I remember going to see her at her old apartment about 3 years ago and knocking on her door and hearing her drag furniture and boxes away from her door . After being allowed to enter , seeing her Spartan ways overwhelmed me . She was scared , lonely and very , very ill . She couldn 't wait for me to leave and when I did , I heard all the boxes and furniture being barricaded on the other side of the door once again . The fear . I can 't know the fear she must live with every day . All I know is the fear I have for her . She won 't have ID so if something should have happened to her we might never find out . No hospital stay information or death certificates would be available because no one will be able to know who she is . This sister has become a ghost . I know she might not want to be found but now it 's not about estates and letting her know the news about our Dad . Now it 's about knowing she still lives , in whatever world she might find herself and hopefully still on the same earth as me . Mental illness … another one allowed to slip through the cracks . I can 't blame anyone for that though . As her family we tried . Her illness was so frightening . I couldn 't even let my son drive her home at one time ( for which he kindly volunteered ) for fear of anything she might say he did or what she might do to him . Her actions and words struck terror in my gut many times . The medical community did their best short of locking her up for the rest of her life to make sure she took her meds . The one time she was on meds she was our sweet sister again but it didn 't last long . Now it must have been years since she 's even seen a doctor . I remember her when I was a very little girl . I was very ill for the first few years of my life and still see her lovingly mothering me ; taking me for walks in the carriage , scratching my back ( which calmed me very much ) and giving me treats . When kids bullied me in school later on she went out and had a T - shirt made for me that said " Marie Boomer - Superstar " . I wore that thing until the letters fell off . It made me feel like a superstar . I 'm trying really hard to remember the wonderful sister she could be . She left home when I was very young though and I rarely saw her until I was an adult again and her illness had progressed so much . It 's not easy to keep the good memories alive since there are so few of them but I will . The search continues in my life for many things . One of them is for love . I keep thinking there has to be a guy out there for me somewhere . I know I don 't need a man to make me feel good about myself or make my life complete or any of the other things my friends and family keep trying to pound into my head and I totally agree . Not having a man in my life is NOT causing me great anxiety . Just so my readers know that . I like men . That 's it . I like the company of a ( good ) man . I like doing things with a ( good ) man . I don 't mind going alone to places and I do . I also go out with some women friends and that 's nice too . Male company would be great though . I 've had enough of just me . I joined a different dating site this past week and was inundated with messages the first day . Great ! The problem was I couldn 't read any because the site wanted me to pay them to read the messages ! What was the point of having a " free " site ? I don 't know . I know I was on this site last year and it wasn 't like that then . So what I did was pick a couple of the guys and messaged them back telling them of my dilemma and to email me at an email address I made just for this purpose . Only one responded and we had a great back and forth email conversation for the last 2 days . He said he 's been on the site for a while and has never had to pay a dime . It 's a ridiculous way to get to know someone but , for someone my age , there aren 't many options . Some of my family and my married , well - meaning friends and acquaintances suggest " meet someone at the grocery store " or " borrow a dog and go to the dog park " and my daughter says " Well . you don 't go anywhere ! " . Well , the men I meet at grocery stores are in there to quickly get their pork and beans and bacon to go with their beer and as for borrowing a dog , that would mean picking up their poo . No thanks to the poo especially . I had supper with a friend tonight who told me I was a beautiful person . I believe that . I know guys are looking for Barbie dolls and I have never been , nor will I ever be one . I forget sometimes that I 'm a beautiful person . My outside is a bit worn and chubby , but I continue to grow inside and I can feel that every day . I 'm stronger and more able to handle stress in my life than ever before . I would love to share that with someone who appreciates it and would be proud to be with me . Hopefully around a bonfire , or on the beach or on a couch watching movies . So who knows what will happen . I 'm not in any rush and know whatever or whoever will happen will happen . Or not . In the meantime , I 'll keep my eyes open in Aisle 4 . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
How are you ? How was your week ? Mine was okay . I 'm just glad its Friday . I hope we are all praying for Nigeria ? For peace in the north and for the forth coming elections . The bible says we should pray for the peace of Jerusalem ; Nigeria is our own Jerusalem . All the events happening around the world are pointing to the rapture . You can read about it in Matthew chapter 24 . If you 've not surrended your life to Jesus and made Him your lord and savour please do so because time is running out . Dolapo watched her friend and listened to her conversation with Yinka . The look on Sope ' face face scared her ; she looked very dreamy . As soon as Sope hung up , she called her . " Mo - so - pe ! " Stressing every syllable . Both ladies returned to work . Dolapo stared at her laptop screen but her thoughts were centered on Mosope . She hated this slippery slope her friend was treading on . This week alone , Yinka Da - Silva had sent flowers , a box of chocolates , perfume and spa vouchers for both of them which she refused . Like her mum always says , ' when a man sees a woman he wants , he would do anything to have her ' and that was exactly what Yinka was doing . There was just something wrong about him , she could sense it . She was shocked when Bode called and told her Mosope had broken up with him . She was even more shocked that Mosope didn 't mention it to her . Bode called her to plead with Mosope on his behalf . She looked towards the direction of her friend and sighed . She missed the Sope who had preached to her about Jesus . Sope who didn 't give up on her even when she made fun of her and called her church girl . It wasn 't until she gave her life to Christ that she understood what it meant to keep the marriage bed undefiled . She used to make fun of Sope and Bode because she just didn 't understand why two people who were so in love with each other could be in a relationship and not have sex . She remembered when she hit rock bottom because of her alcohol addiction and almost lost her job , she knew she needed help . Help which was stronger than Alcoholics Anonymous or any self determination . She knew she needed the saviour to break the yoke . Mosope led her in the sinners prayer and gave her bible marked with bible verses to help her grow in her walk with God . " True I know . " Emeka 's fiancee had broken up with him two days after they got engaged . She just returned the ring to him and said she was no longer interested . " It still feels like a dream you know … although its been over a month . Do you know she has refused to speak to me or even see me . " Bode continued . Bode sighed . " We were already planning our wedding . Where do I start from ? Mosope is the only woman I 've ever loved . She 's the only woman I see in my future , Emeka . We are supposed to grow old together , she 's supposed to be the mother of my kids . " She finished ironing , took out the bendy rollers from her hair and put on her dress . It was a knee length red dress with a low v - neck cut . Usually she wore a camisole underneath but decided not to today . It wouldn 't hurt to look sexy and besides it didn 't reveal too much cleavage . Tunji 's gaze lingered on his daughter as she opened the door and stepped out . How he missed Deborah ! She would have known the right words to say to their daughter . Well , He was going to continue doing what he had been doing since the day his late wife announced she was pregnant with Mosope . He pulled into his driveway , picked up his Bible and the food Abimbola had given him after service . She had been doing that for the past month . She was such a nice and godly woman ; he wondered why she never remarried . He was just about to open the door of the house when he heard the sound of a car pull up behind him ; it was Gbenga and his wife . Tunji watched as his son got out from the car and turned round to open the door for his wife . He was surprised , since when did Gbenga become such a gentle man ? He held the door open for Onyinye and guided her as they walked towards him . They looked like newlyweds in their matching Ankara outfits . " Thank you sir . " Onyinye replied . " Good afternoon sir " Gbenga greeted . " Gbenga bawo ni ? Tunji replied , shaking his son 's hand . Onyinye collected the things her father in law had in his hands . " I 'm sure you both must be hungry , especially Onyinye . " Tunji remarked as they entered the house . " I doubt that , you know your sister and how she hates cooking … I brought some food home . Onyinye where is the bag you collected from me ? " " Okay , its stew … you can boil some rice or spaghetti , depending on what you people want to it . I 'm fine with anything . " Abimbola had informed him about the content of the food flask . Gbenga and his wife exchanged a knowing look . " I 'll just make rice , Gbenga isn 't really a fan of spaghetti . " Onyinye said and went into the kitchen . " I hope she 'll be back in time for our meeting ? " Gbenga said and glanced at the clock . " It was past 1 and they agreed to meet at 2 . He had invited her to his church a couple of times ; their new friendship had blossomed . He called her everyday , stopped over to take her for lunch at work . She was surprised when he mentioned that he was in the choir . He just never struck her as a church goer , not to talk of one committed in the choir . So she decided after months of not going to church to finally go to Yinka 's church . He was so excited that he offered to pick her up from her house but she declined . She got to the church some minutes to 10 because service was for 10 . She drove into the church car park by 9 : 52 . Although service was for 10 , it was already full . She was lucky enough to find an empty spot . As she walked into the auditorium , she noticed how the ladies dressed - tight fitted clothes , short dresses and skirts , tops which revealed their cleavage . They could easily be mistaken as if they were going for a party instead of going to church . As soon as Yinka made his way to her , he pulled her into a tight hug . " I 'm glad you finally made it ! " He said excitedly . " Hope you enjoyed the service ? They walked to the pastor 's office behind the altar . His receptionist was dressed in a very short tight leather skirt with a see through top and high heels . " Hi Yinkus ! " she exclaimed when she saw them and got up to give him a hug . She eyed Mosope as Yinka made the introductions and refused to acknowledge her greeting . They sat for about five minutes before they were ushered into the pastor 's office . " I said SHUT UP ! Listen woman , I said I won 't be home till 8 cos I have counselling . " He shouted into the phone . Mosope would have left the office if not that Yinka was holding on to her hand so tightly . Behind the pastor 's desk , a large picture of him hung on the wall and to his right on a cabinet were some awards . He got off the phone and with a beaming smile welcomed them . Yinka introduced her as a special friend which made her blush . " Mosope you are welcome , we hope to see you next Sunday ? " The pastor asked . Before she could reply , he cut her off . " Our church is for all of God 's people , we don 't discriminate , no strict doctrine , right Yinka ? " Yinka nodded . " A - men " Mosope added . He said a word of prayer and they left the office . They walked towards the car park , Yinka stopped to greet people and introduced Mosope . " So how about lunch ? I know a really good place not too far from here . " Mosope glanced at her watch , " Sorry Yinka , I have to be back home before 2 . " She wished she didn 't have to go for the family meeting . Lunch with Yinka sounded more interesting . " We can do lunch another time . " When she got back downstairs , the TV was turned off and everyone sat around the dinning table . She pulled out an empty chair close to Onyinye . She immediately noticed the disappointed look on Bode 's face because there was also an empty chair next to him . " Okay … lets begin , Onyinye please can you say a quick word of prayer ? " Tunji asked . They closed their eyes and Onyinye prayed . " We all love you and are really worried about you . " Tunji continued , going straight to the point . " We want to know what is really going on … You 've changed and I want my little girl back . " Tunji paused , " Mosope please look at me . " He pleaded . She looked at him . " I know you were really hit by your mum 's death … but it 's been six months already … I don 't like what I am seeing ; I don 't and it breaks my heart . If anything , grief pulls people closer to God and not away from God . People run to God for comfort when they are struck by something too big for them to handle . " He moved his gaze across the room and continued . " You have no right to be angry with God just because He called your mother home . There was silence in the room after Tunji 's words . It seemed they were waiting for Mosope to speak but she didn 't . Gbenga spoke next . " Look Sope , mummy 's death was a wakeup call for me to examine my relationship with God . I didn 't realise that I was gradually backsliding … It started with being too busy to do my quiet time , to skipping church services to allowing the so called ' little ' sins . It affected my marriage , I became so selfish and was ripping my marriage apart gradually with my own hands . " He reached for his wife 's hand and covered it with his . " Really ? " they chorused . " Yes … for the first time in months … I went to a friend 's church and it was different but nice … I 'd really appreciate it if you allow me find my way back to God at my own pace … Daddy , I 'm sorry to say this but I HATE how close you are to aunty Abi . " They all opened their mouths shocked . " Isn 't it too soon for you to try and replace mummy ? At least grieve for a year ! " " And Bode , we should call off the wedding . I 'm sick of everyone telling me what to do ! " She got up , " I know you love me … the problem is I 'm not sure if I still do . " She couldn 't believe she had agreed to go on a date with Yinka Da - Silva . He had asked out to dinner and she said yes . He had gone from the guy she avoided to a new friend in the space of two weeks . It started with a phone call from him that lasted well over thirty minutes . Her relationship with Bode hadn 't gotten any better , she avoided his calls and visits . Last week he came over to her office to take her out to lunch which didn 't go to well as they ended up arguing the entire time . She was annoyed with him beacause he had reported her to her dad and Gbenga after missing pre - marital classes four consecutive Saturdays which led to them being disqualified . She settled for the jumpsuit and got dressed . She was driving to the venue of their date because she didn 't want Yinka to come to her house even though he insisted on picking her up . She parked at the restaurant , picked up her clutch and left the car . As soon as she walked into the restaurant , she immediately spotted Yinka sitting at a corner on a table for two . He stood up as soon as he saw her and smiled . He looked ruggedly handsome in his jeans and navy blue shirt . She returned the smile and strode to the table , suddenlying feeling shy . He picked up the menu from the table and opened it . " I think we should place our orders because it takes a while for them to bring the food . " " Oh really ? So you come here often then ? " " Told ya , this is like the best Thai restaurant on the Island . " He dabbed the corners of his mouth with a napkin . " You should eat like this more often … you can do with a little flesh you know . " They walked in silence along the street where the restaurant was both lost in thought . Mosope was convincing herself there was no harm in what she was doing , that she was just hanging out with a friend and Yinka was really a gentleman . " So tell me , what 's on your mind young lady ? " " I just wanted us to spend some time together , I just wanted to see you smile and hear you laugh . " He stopped walking and faced her . " And I 'm glad I achieved that . " " Don 't I even get a goodnight hug ? " Yinka asked in a playful voice . Mosope leaned into him for a quick hug but he held on a bit longer till she gently tapped his back and said loudly . " Okay Yinka . " " Yeah I am … I don 't know what is wrong with my sister , I really don 't . Bode told me they had been disqualified from attending the premarital class in church because Mosope refused to attend . The thing is - " " I 'm really surprised you know . " Onyinye interrupted . " Really really surprised at the way Mosope is behaving . I really don 't understand . I 'm sure something else is wrong , this isn 't just about mummy . " she continued . " I 'm not just surprised oh , I 'm DISAPPOINTED . She has stopped going to church , she no longer seems interested in the marriage , she no longer calls me or even answer my phone calls . She 's just acting like a baby ! " " Okay , I need to wee first . " Gbenga said and got up to go to the bathroom . No sooner had he gone to the bathroom did he hear his name . " Hello darling , can you hear daddy 's voice ? Please respond with a kick . " As if on cue , he felt the little movement on his wife 's stomach and he was awestruck . ' Mosope I had such a great time with you today . Please can we do this again ? Next weekend maybe ? Cos I 'm crazy about you . Dolapo had paused the movie when Mosope 's phone rang . " So where were you supposed to go to ? I 'm guessing that was Bode right ? " she asked as soon as Sope hung up . Dolapo got up from the couch she sat on and sat beside Mosope . She reached for her hand and carefully traced the engagement ring on her finger . " You know your wedding is in 7 months ? " " You turned off the TV ? ! " " Yes I did . Sope life goes on … you have to move on with your life . Trust me , your mum would want you to go ahead with the wedding . Bode is a great guy and he really loves you . " ' Sope ! Don 't talk like that . " " It 's the truth though , one minute my mum was cooking coconut rice , next minute she was dead . " " True , the bible says that if God can care for the birds of the air , how much more us ? Fine , bad things happen but you know that as believers , life doesn 't end here . Our life on earth is only a fraction of eternity . I know it 's difficult , but take solace in the fact that she 's in heaven . " She left Dolapo 's house on Saturday evening instead of Sunday as planned because her dad called to tell her Abimbola , his secretary was coming to the house to see her . She agreed because she liked Aunty Abi as she called her . She had known her since she was a little girl . She remembered when aunty Abi and her son , Daniel moved into their house for a few months after her husband 's death . She had a crush on Daniel and it was fuelled when he came to stay with them . It annoyed her that he kept treating her like his little sister . She smiled at the memory . Aunty Abi was at their house every day after her mum died till she was buried . She brought cooked meals for them , entertained the visitors and helped with the burial arrangements . She heard laughter from the living room as she entered the house . It was so good to hear her dad laugh , she couldn 't remember the last time she heard laughter in the house . She stepped into the living room and saw her dad bent over laughing really hard and aunty Abi was on her feet talking . " You should have heard him Tunji ! " She mimicked the person she was describing in a male voice ' Mrs Abimbola I 'm sorry about the mix up . ' It was so obvious he wanted to choke as he said sorry . " They both burst into laughter and then they noticed her standing by the door . " Yeah … I just came in . " she greeted both of them and hugged Abimbola . She dropped her bag and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water . The aroma of food filled her nostril ; she opened the two pots on the cooker and saw Efo riro and stew . She felt a pang of jealousy ; aunty Abi had no right to cook in her mum 's kitchen . She had a glass of water and left the kitchen . " Okay , thank you ma . " She left them and went upstairs to her room . She wanted to give them space to continue talking about what was so funny . She had just settled on her bed when she heard a knock on her door . " Sope can I come in . " " You don 't seem fine to me young lady . " She put her arm across her shoulder and pulled her close . " I know you miss your mother Sope … I do too . I sure miss my friend . " " I miss my mum 's voice aunty Abi . I miss hearing her call my name around the house . I miss our talks , I miss her helping me pick out what to wear … I just miss her . " She closed her eyes tight to stop the tears that threatened to spill . " God just let her die . " " Sope you can 't stay angry at God . My dear , this is when you need Him the most . He says even though You walk through the valley of the shadow of death He 'll be with you . " Abimbola reached for the tissue box beside the bed and gently wiped the tears on Mosope 's face . " There are so many things we can 't explain as mere mortals , so many . " She continued . " I remember when my husband passed on , I felt God betrayed me ; it didn 't make sense that my " You have to stop being angry my dear and lean into God 's embrace . I 'm so sure His hands are stretched out to you . " Abimbola smiled , " just lean . " Bode was on his way to Mosope 's house after church on Sunday . He remembered the first time he met her . He was invited to a singles seminar in Calvary Assembly by a friend from work . He was reluctant to go having been to a few singles meeting and concluded the messages were always this same . His friend succeeded in persuading him and he found himself in Calvary Assembly on a Saturday afternoon . Surprisingly he really enjoyed the program because it was different from the other ones he had attended . During the program , the pastor told the congregation to say something to the person sitting next to them . His friend was on his right and a pretty lady was on his left . They said hello to each other and he remembered her beautiful smile . They got talking and fast became friends when they realised they had a lot in common . He admired her love and commitment to God . He knew he wanted to marry her after being friends for five months . He had prayed about it and got God 's approval . He told her about it and she told him she needed time to pray about it . She got back to him four months later with a yes . He smiled as he remembered the way he felt that day ; he felt like the luckiest man in the world . Memory after memory came to him : the day she met his parents , they both really liked her and he remembered his mum saying " Omo dada ni Mosope ( Mosope is a good girl ) , I love her already ! " The day he went to seek her father 's approval to propose to her ; after the visit , as Gbenga saw him off to his car , he said : " If you ever make my sister cry , I 'll FINISH you . She 's very dear to me . " The look on Gbenga 's face told him he meant every word . The day he proposed to her on the beach . He knew she wanted an intimate proposal so it was just both of them . He poured out his heart to her and asked him to marry her . She had tears in her eyes as she said yes and playfully said : " Bode you know I don 't like cooking , aren 't you scared ? Cos I might not change after we get married . " He laughed and told her : " how can I be scared to get married to the love of my life ? You know I really like cooking , it 's you that should be scared about getting fat with all the delicacies I 'll cook ! " Mosope saw Bode drive in from the window in her room . She had been in bed all day doing nothing in particular . She pretended to be asleep when her dad came to tell her he was leaving for church . " Hi babe , what 's up ? " he replied and stepped into the house . He sat on a couch and she sat across . " Mosope what is going on ? ? He moved to the edge of the couch . " I feel like I don 't know you anymore . He rarely called her Mosope . She sat in silence , focusing her gaze on the wall clock above his head . Some minutes of silence passed between them . " I 'm talking to you . " " Oh crap . " Mosope cursed as she looked up and saw Yinka Da - Silva walking towards her desk . It was too late to dodge . He took confident strides towards her table with the mischievous smile he always wore . Yinka was a customer of the bank who was interested in her . He had been asking her out on a date for as long as she could remember and her engagement to Bode didn 't put him off . " My dear I 'm just taking each day as it comes . Even though it 's been over two months already , it still hurts with each passing day … I think it even hurts more . " She shut her eyes tightly to prevent tears from spilling and felt Dolapo 's hand gently squeeze her shoulder . " That 's what everyone has been saying but IT IS NOT . " Her raised voice drew a few stares . She lowered her voice , " sorry I shouted … Dolly make sure you cherish your mum , cherish every single day you have with her … please do . " " Girlfriend you don 't have a choice . Look at your neck ; you 've lost so much weight . You were already very slim before , now you look like you would disappear ! " Tunji was in his office ; he owned a small tax consultancy firm . He heard a knock on the door and knew it was Abimbola his secretary . Abimbola Williams had been his secretary since the inception of his company and over the years their relationship had gone from colleagues to friends . She and Deborah were friends too and had planned surprises for him on my occasions . Abimbola walked into the office . She was tall and slender and appeared younger than her age . Her hair was set in jerrry curls and she wore a smart skirt suit with court shoes . " You are welcome Tunji " she smiled , " that 's what I get paid for . " She started to leave but turned back . " Tunji how are you ? " " Anyways the point is that time really heals . I remember how hard it was when Peter died … I thought I was going to die … every single day was a struggle … . 15 years on and I 'm fine . God has been faithful . " Abimbola 's husband died 15 years ago in a car accident . Bode parked his car in the church car park . He left his office quite early and got to church 15 minutes early and decided to sit in his car when he felt the Holy Spirit prompting him to pray for Mosope . He knew something was wrong with her ; she had become distant and had stopped coming to church all together . He placed his head on the steering and began to pray for her . Bode scanned the choir seats for Mosope . She wasn 't there . Her dad was in church , he had greeted him earlier . The last time he saw her in church was during her mum 's burial . He didn 't reply but put his phone back in his pocket . He tried to concentrate as the worship leader sang but his mind kept wandering . He understood when Mosope didn 't come to church before the burial because she was grieving and wasn 't up from sympathetic stares from church members . What he didn 't understand was why she wasn 't back in church . The Mosope he knew never missed church services . Not even when she was ill . After service , he drove to her house and stopped to buy sharwama on his way . Her dad was still in church attending a ministers ' meeting . He parked his car in the driveway and strode towards the door . He was about to dial her number to tell her he was outside when she opened the door . " Hi Bode , I saw your car through the window . " " You are welcome . " He said and handed one of the bags to her . He wasn 't surprised she hadn 't eaten . Mosope didn 't care much about food which explained why she didn 't like cooking . It was her mum who always made sure she ate . Mosope went into the kitchen to get glasses of water for both of them and they settled to eat their sharwama . She averted her gaze from Bode as she ate her sharwama ; concentrating intently on her food . She was waiting for his accusations for not going to church . " I missed you in church today Mo . " Mosope picked out onions from her sharwama . Why did Bode forget to tell the sharwama man not to include onions in hers ? He knew she hated raw onions . " Okay … I bought you a CD from church ; Fred Hammond 's new album . " He stood up . " I 'll go get it for my car . " He came back into the house and gave her two CDs . The second one was the sermon preached in church today . " Since you are not ready to come to church , I can bring church to you . " he said with a smile . Gbenga was dancing to music from his iPod in the kitchen as he cooked . He cooked whenever he was available which was during weekends . He was a decent cook thanks to the culinary lessons his mum gave him while growing up . " Almost babe ; I just need to add 2 tablespoons of affection . " He replied and blew her a kiss . Over the past two months , he felt like a newlywed . " Gbenga you are spoiling me oh . " she said and left the kitchen . Gbenga tasted the curry sauce he was making and added a pinch of salt . He was treating his wife to basmati rice and curry chicken sauce . A lot had changed since his mother died ; her death had been a wakeup call . He reconciled with God and became a better husband . He even made sure he visited his father every other weekend . He dished out the steamy hot rice , added carrot slices and shredded spring onions , dished out the sauce and carried it to the dining table . Bode smiled at his wife who was seated at the table eagerly waiting for him . She seemed to be glowing lately . He couldn 't have asked God for a better wife ; she was his support when he was grieving , listened to him when he needed to talk , comforted him when he cried and prayed for him when he felt overwhelmed . " You are welcome sweets . " He replied and pecked the top of her nose . He dished out the food and made sure Onyinye had a generous quantity because she was eating for two . After Bode left , she made lunch for her dad , served him and went to her room . Her dad tried to talk to her but she made up an excuse and went to her room . If only he had been more sensitive and taken her mum to the hospital when she started complaining of headache . Maybe she wouldn 't have died . Nobody understood why she didn 't want to go church . She had loved God all her life , served him , been a good Christian even when she was at university and faced serious temptations , she didn 't compromise . Yet , God let her mother die . What happened to his promise in Psalm 91 - " With long life will I satisfy you and show you my salvation . " He also promised his children that they would fulfill the number of their days . Well , He didn 't seem to have kept his word . Nobody saw her cry every night before she went to bed . Nobody saw how much her father had become a shadow of his former self , how he now kept to himself and spent most of his time in his room . Nobody understood the ache she felt in her heart since her mother died , the hole that had been created . " Gbenga didn 't you take some time off work ? " Onyinye asked her husband as he was getting dressed for work . He went to work yesterday and she assumed he would request a bereavement leave for the next one week . She had taken 3 days off from school to spend time with her husband and her in - laws . " No I didn 't … I 'll take time off during the … burial . " He stood in front of the mirror and combed his hair . He needed a haircut ; he had been too busy to go to the barber . Her husband was unbelievable . Left to her , they should have stayed at her in - laws house instead of rushing back home on Sunday . They had barely spoken to each other since they got back . Yesterday night she tried to talk to him when he came to join her on the bed to sleep but he shut her up by telling her he was tired . Anyways she was going over to spend the night with her father in - law and Mosope whether Gbenga liked it or not . It was still so hard to believe her mother in - law was dead , the same woman who was very busy entertaining them two days ago . She remembered the first time she met her . She had been dating Gbenga for almost a year and he told her he wanted to take her home to meet his mum . She was reluctant at first because she was only 22 and Gbenga was just 23 and they hadn 't even spoken about marriage . Mrs Lawal was so nice to her , hugged her when she met her and gave her a gift when she was leaving . She smiled as she remembered what she told her when Gbenga wasn 't within earshot . " I raised my son in the way of the Lord but that doesn 't mean I can vouch for him . Keep yourself till you get married … it 's your pride . " It must have helped because she kept her word even though she and Gbenga were just church goers and not committed to God . She didn 't surrender to Jesus till after they got married . Over the next few years they continued dating and eventually got married , her mother in - law still remained an affable woman . Every time she called her , mummy always prayed for both of them before hanging up ; she would surely miss her . It was such a shame she would not be around to hold her grandchild . She got up from the bed and knelt beside her bed to pray for her husband , her marriage and the entire Lawal family . Gbenga hissed and deleted the paragraph he had just typed . This was the third time he was starting the report again . He had to hand in this report tomorrow and he didn 't want anything to affect his appraisal . His office phone rang and he answered it . " Gbenga please come into my office . " His manager said . He left what he was working on and went to his manager 's office . The office comprised of a big mahogany table , a big leather chair his manager sat on and two chairs across him . On the left , a shelf held some books and his ' employee of the year award ' . His manager was an ordinary looking middle aged man whose brain made up for what he lacked in looks . He was sitting behind his desk reading a newspaper with his pot belly bridging the gap between him and the table . There was no way he would let himself look this way when he got to this age . " Good morning Kenneth . " He greeted . " Morning Gbenga , sit down . " Kenneth lowered the newspaper and placed it on his table . Gbenga did as he was told and tried to think of a reason why he had been summoned . The report wasn 't due till tomorrow or did he make a mistake ? " Yes she did . " He took off his glasses and placed it on the table . " I 'm sorry about your mother 's death , please accept my condolence . " " Thanks . " Gbenga got up to leave . He was furious with Onyinye ; he would give her a piece of his mind as soon as he gets home . " Okay thanks . " He mumbled and shut the door . He went back to his office to tidy up what he was working on before handing it over to his colleague and left the office . To remember memories he had blocked away since Sunday . He remembered his dad 's scream that echoed through the house when he found his mother on the bathroom floor ; how they had driven to the hospital and the shock that went through his body when the doctor pronounced her dead . He remembered storming out of the hospital building and walking around aimlessly for such a long while his legs ached . His mother was gone . Forever . He fought back tears as memories came pouring in one after the other . His graduation day - how proud his mother was because he graduated with first class and won several awards . She was on her feet cheering him as he was called to collect each award . The day he got married - she had called him that morning to pray for him and give him advice , the precious moment when they had their mother and son dance , how she had tears in her eyes as they danced ; and most recently the morning of her 52nd birthday when they went to a studio to take professional pictures . He wished he had spent more time with her because she always complained she hardly ever saw him . He bit his lip in regret and allowed the tears to spill . An impatient driver honked because he was driving slowly and abused him as he drove past . But God had been merciful to him . He gave him a chance to see her just before she died . His heart went to his father , they were so close . His parents painted a model picture of marriage . How was his dad going to live without her ? Onyinye locked the front door about to leave for her in - laws house when Gbenga drove in . It wasn 't even noon yet and he was home . It had to be because of the phone call she made earlier . She didn 't know what made her call Gbenga 's manager but she knew she needed to . Luckily , she found his number on a complimentary card in Gbenga 's old wallet . Kenneth confirmed her fear , that Gbenga hadn 't mentioned his mother 's death at work . She knew he was mad at her and prepared for his outburst . He parked but didn 't come out of his car . She waved at him and was about to escape facing him when she saw his head bent over the steering wheel . " Gbenga open up . " She said and tapped his window . " I didn 't even spend time with her , Onyinye I was never there . " He sobbed . " I only saw my mother three times this year . " He cupped her face and looked intently at her . " I 'm so sorry , I love you so much . " " I love you too Gbenga . " Gbenga held his wife and kissed her . ' Mosope , God will strengthen us . " Gbenga surprised himself with the words that just came out of his mouth . He just mentioned God . He was sure he was a total stranger to God because he couldn 't remember the last time he really spoke to God except when he went to church and that was just because it was a routine he had been brought up with . " Fine sir . " He replied and sat on the bed . Father and son sat in silence for a while , both lost in thought . Gbenga was remembering all the times he came into this room to talk to his mother , he had never been close to his father but he and his mother were quite close . Tunji was thinking of when to fix the burial , he wanted to get it over and done with . " Dad , how are you ? " " Son , I can 't say I 'm fine cos I 'm not but who am I to question God ? " he paused . " He is called Kabiyesi ( the unquestionable ) for a reason . The bible says for everything there is a season , a time to be born and a time to … die . The bible also says - ' Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints . ' I know your mother is with the Lord now , that 's all the comfort I have . " He smiled . " You should have seen the peace on her face . " Popular Posts He makes all things beautiful in His time . Ecclesiastes 3 : 11 Simi 's Musings 1 Through The Waters 1 Simi 's Musings 9 - A New Thing ! Through The Waters 4 Archives May 2017 |
Kinky Friedman , Cousin Nancy ( Nancy Parker - Simons ) and Tony Simons founded Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch in ' 98 . Friends Willie Nelson , Billy Joe Shaver , Spike Gillespie , Richard Pryor , Jerry Jeff Walker , Molly Ivins , Dwight Yoakam support the ranch . We primarily rescue dogs . Nancy , author of " The Road to Utopia : How Kinky , Tony & I Saved More Animals Than Noah " by UT Press ' 06 utopiarescue . com . © cousin nancy blog 2017 by Cousin Nancy All rights reserved . I promise that tonight 's blog is going to be short , after yesterday 's long saga . This morning , our good friends , Charlie and Ellen Cooper came over to the rescue ranch , with a friend , who was thinking about adopting one of our dogs . It didn 't take the nice man long , to find his new forever friend . He picked Roxie ! We were thrilled , but she was so excited that she wouldn 't quit jumping up and down , and running around in circles ! Something that Tony and I haven 't done since we first started dating each other . This was Roxie 's third time to get adopted . Our dear friend Bob , adopted her first , but his dog , Blue , didn 't think she was as cute as Bob did . Then Roxie got adopted to a nice young couple , but that didn 't last long , because the young woman got pregnant and they no longer wanted her . And , I 'm not kidding ! So , I 'm hoping , as it is so often said , ' that the third time is the charm , ' that Roxanne has charmed her way into her final forever home . This afternoon , Tone and I went to Kerrville to pick up Bogie . Before we went to Hoegemeyer 's , we stopped by the Salvation Army hoping to find a few golf clubs , and some used golf balls , and we hit pay dirt ! I found three Ben Hogan woods ! Ben Hogan was , and is still one of Fort Worth 's pride and joy golfers ! The day before , when we had asked Will what kind of clubs to buy , he suggested that we get eight and nine irons , and putters , so we did . Then when we went over to the next isle , we found golf ball heaven ! We bought forty of them at twenty - five cents each ! When we checked out , our bill for our new found sport was only thirty - two dollars and thirty - seven cents ! After we picked up Bogie , we came back to the ranch , and dropped off one happy cat , at The Pro Shop . Then we came home , so I could paint ' his and her ' golf balls . I painted Tony 's balls blue , and mine , of course , are pink , then I sprayed them with a protective clear varnish . We were ready to tee off for the very first time ! This evening , after it had cooled off some , we jumped into Trigger and went over to The Pro ShopPosted by Today has been a really great day , because Mercury is no longer in retrograde , and it is Nita 's , my favorite sister - in - law , fifty - eighth birthday ! Happy Birthday Nita ! I love you , Tony loves you , heck everybody loves you , especially Ronnie ! I hope you have the best birthday ever ! This morning I overslept , but thanks to my furry old friends , I was only behind schedule by fifteen minutes . After Tony had done his outside chores , and I had walked six miles with Leslie Sansone , Will called from the Lodge . " Nancy , when do y ' all want me to catch Bogie ? He 's here right now . " Bogie is a big handsome cat , that showed up at the Lodge several months ago , but nobody was able to catch him , because The Friedmans kept running him off . About a month ago , while Kinky was on the road , Will took it upon himself to make friends with Bogie . He began feeding him regularly , when The Friedmans were not around . At first , Bogie would hiss at Will , like he was going to attack him , but over time , Bogie learned to trust Will and they became good friends . Bogie would follow Will all around the ranch , and soon he was coming into The Pro Shop , to visit with Will . Before Kinky took off for his two week European Tour , he asked Brian Kanof if he would consider adopting Bogie . After I had had several back and forth phone calls with Brian , we made a plan . Brian told me that in three weeks , when he returns from El Paso , he will come by the ranch to adopt Bogie . I told him that we would get him neutered and given all shots , so Bogie would be ready to go when he got here . So , this morning when Will called about Bogie , I told him that we would be over there in twenty minutes with a crate . When Tony and I arrived at the Lodge , we were greeted by The Friedmans . After petting them and a short visit , we locked them inside the Lodge , so Will could catch Bogie . In no time flat , Bogie was following Will and Tony into the annex aka The Pro Shop , where Will lives when he is dog sitting The Friedmans for Kinky . Here is a short video clip of Will crating Bogie for us . Posted by Continued from yesterday . . . We all went into Layla 's pen , after Tony and Rick had carried Layla 's crate into the pen . Sam opened the crate 's door and Layla just laid there , with her head up - staring at us . Her eyes were still glassy , and she was still groggy . Sam reached inside the crate and began rubbing and petting Layla , trying to reassure her that she was going to be okay . Layla was relaxed , but she didn 't move . Then Sam began trying to get her to eat hot dogs , but Layla was not interested . After about fifteen minutes , Sam stood back , and Layla walked out of her crate and began sniffing her new digs . As she checked things out , we tossed little pieces of hot dogs near her . It took about five minutes of us doing this , before she picked one up and ate it ! As we watched and talked softly to her , she slowly began searching for more of the tasty treats , scattered all around her pen . Twenty minutes later , after Layla had found all of her treats , we began tossing her more treats , but this time we would throw one to one side of the pen , and then after she had gone to eat it , we would make sure that she was watching us , and then we would toss another piece to the opposite side of her pen . We took turns doing this for over fifteen minutes . " Sam , Layla is going to be just fine , " I declared . " Her tail is not tucked up between her legs , and that is a great sign ! I bet we can turn her around within a few days using hot dogs . " Everyone agreed with me . Ten minutes later , we left Layla 's pen to let her rest , because the drug was definitely starting to wear off . Sam left about an hour later , because she needed to get back to Johnson City . The rest of the afternoon , Rick went down to Layla 's pen , several times , to talk to her and to give her a few more treats . When Rick returned from his last visit down to her pen , he told us that Layla didn 't seem scared of him , and he predicted that she was going to be just fine in no time at all ! Sunday morning , after Rick and Tony returned from the Old Timer , we ate breakfast , and then Rick clePosted by Rick Reichenbach and Leisa Lea are still here , and Tony and I are having so much fun with them ! It is almost like we are on vacation ! It is two - thirty , in the afternoon and I am going to write here and there , throughout today , for tonight 's blog . First , let me tell you about what happened yesterday . Around noon , Will Wallace and his younger brother , Wade , and his friend , Brad , came over for a visit . Earlier that morning , I had asked Will to please bring them over , so we could meet Wade and Brad . We visited for about an hour in Outer Space , but thirty minutes into our visit , the phone inside the trailer started ringing off of the wall . I stayed put , because I knew I could return the phone calls after our visit . As our phone continued to ring inside , we did a lot of laughing outside . Around one - fifteen , after Will , Wade and Brad had left the rescue ranch , I came inside to see who had called . I was shocked when Carlton told me that I had eight new messages ! I pressed the play button . " Nancy , this is Sam ! I just caught the dog that we have been talking about for the last two weeks ! Please call me as soon as you can ! " The second message was from Sam , too , and so were the other six messages ! She was in a real pickle of a situation ! Now I am going to be kind and rewind here . Over two weeks ago , Sam my friend and dentist , up in Johnson City , had called me about the one hundred cats that they had rescued from a woman 's house , who had died suddenly . Sam , along with some rescue groups out of Austin , had spayed or neutered all of the woman 's cats , plus given them all of their shots and treated them for any health problems . It turned out that all of the cats were healthy and very friendly ! Not one of them was sick or feral ! Sam had called asking us to take two of the last four cats . We did , and they are now at Hoegemeyer 's Animal Clinic , in Kerrville , waiting to be adopted to their forever homes . A few days after that , Sam had called me to tell me about a dog , that the woman had kept chained under her house . She told me that the Posted by Today has been incredibly great ! Our great friends , Rick and Leisa , from Port Aransas , are here ! We had many nice visitors , and I cannot wait to tell y ' all about our exciting rescue this afternoon ! Tomorrow , I will write all about all of it . Y ' all have a great evening like us ! I have great news ! Today has continued to be a great day , and that 's because Mercury in retrograde is on its way out ! I can 't wait for Tuesday to get here , because that is when I can finally say ' adios ' to Mercury , ' and good riddance ! ' This morning Vern and his wife , Rita , from down around Houston , came out to the rescue ranch . They have been to the rescue ranch before , and the last time that they were here - they got to go over to the Lodge and meet Kinky ! After handshakes , Vern told me that they had come out to see us and the dogs , and to make a donation , before heading up to Arlington , for their great granddaughter 's wedding . I thought that was strange , because they looked younger than me . Heck , everyone looks younger than me . When Vern told us that they had spent the night in Kerrville , I couldn 't wait to tell them to try the Trail 's End Guest House , the next time that they came to Kerrville . " Where did y ' all stay ? " I asked , ready to tell them all about David and Desiree 's bed & breakfast . " We stayed at the Trail 's End Guest House , " Vern said . His news totally took the wind out of my sails . " That 's fantastic ! " I said . " We love that place ! I was fixin ' to tell you all about their place . Don 't you love Desiree and David Farrar ? " " They are two of the nicest people , " Vern declared , as he stood next to Trigger . " We love their cabins . . . " " Me , too ! " I unintentionally interrupted . " And , I think David is the best chef in Kerr County , and probably a few other counties ! " " I agree ! " Vern said , nodding his head . " I would love to know his recipes . " " I know , " I said . " I wish that he would either do a recipe book , or better yet , give a cooking class . Have y ' all had his Baklava ? " " Yes ! This morning , and it was this big . . . " Ten minutes later , I changed the subject , because talking about David 's food was really starting to make me hungry . " Did y ' all get to meet Beckham ? He 's their wild hog that they adopted . . . " " Yes , we met Beckham , and we fell in love with him ! He has a huge pen and is so friendly . " I then told Beckham 's story , and howPosted by Today has started out great ! I walked six fast miles before eight o ' clock , and two very nice people , Vern and Rita , showed up thirty minutes ago , and I will write about their fun visit this evening . Here 's something that I want to share with you . Last night , my good friend , Mari , of the NoMads , sent me this hilarious e - mail , and it made me laugh out loud ! Enjoy ! ROTFL - I saw No . 4 and thought of you and the Leslie Sansone walks right away ! Mari The Importance of Walking can add minutes to your life . 1 ) This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $ 7000 per month . 2 ) My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60 . Now he 's 97 years old and we don 't know where he is . 3 ) I like long walks , especially when they are taken by people who annoy me . 4 ) I have to walk early in the morning , before my brain figures out what I 'm doing . 5 ) I joined a health club last year , spent about 400 bucks . Haven 't lost a pound . Apparently you have to go there . 6 ) Every time I hear the dirty word ' exercise , ' I wash my mouth out with chocolate . 7 ) The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die , they 'll say , ' Well , she looks good doesn 't she . ' 8 ) If you are going to try cross - country skiing , start with a small country . 9 ) I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years . just getting over the hill . 10 ) We all get heavier as we get older , because there 's a lot more information in our heads . That 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . AND 11 ) Every time I start thinking too much about how I look , I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave , I look just fine . You could run this over to your friends , But just e - mail it to them . " Nance , " Tony said , this morning , after returning from Medina . " Aaron 's coming in . He 's quitting . You need to write him a check . " I was sad that Aaron was quitting , but not surprised . Monday morning , Aaron told us that he needed to take off early for a job interview . We knew that he needed more hours , but we just couldn 't afford to give him more hours , with the way the economy is right now . Tuesday morning , Aaron told Tony that he had gotten the forty hour a week job , and it came with a lot of perks . We were happy for Aaron , but sad that he was leaving us , because he was a great employee . When Aaron came inside the trailer , we had a nice visit , and we wished him luck with his new job . I then spent over four hours doing paperwork and answering e - mails , and then I spent thirty minutes returning phone calls . My last phone call was to my friend , Cindy , in New Mexico , because we hadn 't talked in over a week . Cindy and I had a great visit ! She told me that it had snowed last night , and she was so happy out there ! Before hanging up , she told me that she had sent me an e - mail with pictures of the snow , and some pictures of vegetables from her garden . I told her that I would check them out , but I forgot to . Early this afternoon , after lunch , Buttermilk took Tony and me to Walmart to get dog food . Before we went to the pet section , we went to the exercise equipment section , because I wanted to buy a new stretch rope . I ended up getting Leslie Sanson 's Five Mile Fat Burning Walk DVD , and a Gold 's Gym Stretch rope , that included a DVD to show me how to use it . When we got back home , I went over to the Lodge to give Frank a telephone message , and to say hi to The Friedmans and Will . Will and I ended up talking for over thirty minutes about exercise and my new exercise rope . When I came back home , I put Leslie 's new walking DVD into the player to check it out . An hour later , I had walked five miles with her ! I then put the Gold 's Gym DVD into the player , and exercised with their good looking instructor ! My arms are pretty sore . Will tPosted by I got up around six o ' clock this morning and it was fifty - seven degrees outside , just like it was yesterday morning ! I loved it ! After enduring the hottest and driest summer on record ever , with at least fifty - six consecutive days of over a hundred degrees , I thought I had died and gone to heaven , when I stepped out onto the porch to watch the rain ! Fortunately , this time the rain was not accompanied with thunder , and a free light show . After Tony and I drank our breakfasts , we decided to turn on the central heat , because it was sixty - nine degrees inside the trailer . At one point , near the finish of my eighth mile , I realized that this is the very first time that we have ever had to turn on the heater in September . This afternoon , Tony and I went to Bandera to do some banking , and when we got back home , Kinky called . " How are you doing , Nance ? " Kinky asked . " I 'm fine . Tonight I am watching It 's A Wonderful Life , and then work on my Bucket List . " That 's one of my favorite movies , " Kinky said . " Where are you ? " " I 'm in London . " " What time is it there ? " " Nearly eight o ' clock in the evening . " " Are you having fun ? " " Yes , " Kinky said . We then talked about The Friedmans , the rain , and a few other things . Overall , it 's been a very quiet day today , and there 's not much else to tell . Y ' all have a great evening ! This morning when I woke up , it was raining ! While I was feeding the fur family , it began thundering and lightning ! So , as usual , I unplugged everything inside the trailer , so in case lightning struck the Nellybelle , we wouldn 't lose any of our electronic must haves . I wanted to call Ronnie , up in Dripping Springs , to see if they were getting any of the much needed rain , but I couldn 't because I won 't talk on the phone during storms . So , I twiddled my thumbs , and waited for Tony to come home . While twiddling , it occurred to me , that if lightning were to actually strike our trailer , we 'd lose all of our electronics anyway , because the lightning would cause Beano , our propane tank , that is only twenty feet away from our backdoor - to explode ! Which would then cause the Nellybelle , my beloved 1983 Fleetwood , to either catch on fire , or roll down the hill , and then fall off of the steep cliff , into the creek below and be washed away . Visualizing all of this happening , kinda depressed me . It was not a pretty sight . Then I realized that Mercury in retrograde was the cause of my latest weird thoughts , and semi - depressed mood . So I did something about it . First , I lit a little brick of my new pinion pine incense . When the sweet scented smoke began streaming out of the little adobe chimney , I plugged in my Himalayan Salt lamp , that I purchased from Gibson 's , years ago . I was starting to feel a little bit better , then lightning struck about four miles away , and it lit up the sky ! I needed my music , to help calm me down . So , I pulled my iTouch out of my purse , then I removed my 80 gig iPod , from the Bose iDock , and set them down on the kitchen table , right next to each other . I had to decide which one I wanted more , in case a power surge should destroy it . It took me over three minutes to decide . I kept going back and forth . It was a hard decision for me to make , but I finally decided it would be the 80 Gig I 'd sacrifice , if I had to . I felt guilty for having to pick favorites , because I love them both . Then , for a second , I thPosted by This morning , when Tony came back from Medina , he said , " Nance , Fourth was really excited about you giving him a signed copy of your book ! He wanted to pay for it , but I told him , that you wanted to give it to him . " " That 's great , Tony . I am glad he liked it . " " He told me that he was going to take it home , for Linda to read today , before going to work . " " Did you have to wake Kinky up , or was he already up ? " " I called him at five - thirty , and had to wake him up . " After we drank our breakfast smoothies , I walked six fast miles , while Tone was outside feeding the dogs and cleaning their pens with Aaron . Kinky called me from Austin , around ten - thirty . He , Debora and Little Jewford are flying out around four o ' clock , for Europe . He told me that he enjoyed the Bandera induction , and he asked me to please visit The Friedmans at least once a day , even though Will is baby sitting them . I told him that I would . Around two o ' clock , Carol came over with her friend , James , for a visit . James volunteers at a rescue shelter up near Dallas , and he wanted to see our rescue ranch , and Carol wanted us to meet him . As soon as they arrived , Carol handed me a bag of her delicious , homemade healthy cookies , and then we went into Outer Space and had a really fun visit ! As always , there was much laughing . After they left , Kinky called me from the airport . " Nance , how are you doing ? " " I 'm fine , I guess , " I said . " Why ? " " You sounded down earlier , and I wanted to make sure that you 're okay . I was a little down earlier , too . Do you think it is because Mercury is in retrograde ? " " I know it 's because Mercury is in retrograde , and we 've got eight more days of this kind of crazy stuff . I 'm fine , Kinky , honest . I talked to Jon Wolfmueller earlier , and he told me that Mercury has been playing havoc on them today , too . He told me that their Internet kept going down on them , which it never does , and their computer was playing head games with them , too . It must be affecting everyone today . Oh , here 's some good news . We have just rescued another dog that 's from . Posted by As I write this , it is eight o ' clock , Sunday night . Tony and I just got back from Bandera . Earlier this evening , Kinky was inducted into the Bandera Music Hall of Fame ! Kinky was great , as always ! He spoke and he sang to the crowd , and then he signed copies of his new book , Heroes Of A Texas Childhood , along with our good friend , Copper Love , who did the beautiful artwork for the book . And , the good news is - his book was selling like hotcakes ! Here is a picture of Will , Kinky , Copper and Frank , taking a short break . The event was really fun . Tone and I saw , and got to visit with our friends : Liz and Jim Cravotta , Pam and Steve Boynton , Grace and Dick Atwood , Linda Buckalew , Danny Hatfield and Dylan Ferrero , to name just a few ! To put it in nutshell - we had a wonderful time ! Kinky told me this morning that he is going to be on Imus , on October 7th , to kick off Don 's first week on the Fox Business channel ! Imus is no longer on RFD . Tomorrow morning , T . is giving Kinky a wake up call real early , so Kinky can take off to Austin , to catch a plane for his European Tour ! He is going to be gone for over two weeks , and we are really going to miss him . I apologize for not writing yesterday , but I was a little bit too busy , but I am going to try to catch you up , now . For starters , I walked six fast miles . Around eleven o ' clock , the pinion pine incense that I had ordered from New Mexico arrived ! I love that stuff , so I ordered two boxes , because it is my favorite scent . Here is picture that I just took of the boxes beside my little smokin ' adobe house , on my drain board . Todd and Jan came out yesterday morning to walk our dogs ! Tony and I love these two nice people . During a dog walking break , I invited Jan and Todd into my writing cabin , so I could show them my new guitar amp , and to get Todd to play my guitar . He is one very talented guitar player ! As soon as Todd picked up my custom made guitar , that my brother , Ronnie , made for me years ago , that is signed by Billy Joe Shaver and Willie Nelson , Tony , Jan and I sat back , aPosted by Today has been really great ! I had a little pain , but it was the good kind , if there is such a thing as a good kind of pain . This morning I woke up with my six dogs and Lucky sleeping in my bed ! Even though I missed Tony , having my best friends sleeping close to me - started my day out with a big smile on my face . After I fed my furry kids , I walked six miles ! But , I didn 't do my Hammer Curls or Tricep Push Downs , because ' Tone the Tree ' wasn 't here for me to lean on . I guess that I will do them tomorrow . After I had returned too many phone calls and e - mails , I called Kinky over at the Lodge , and asked him if he felt like having some company . He said , " Come on over ! " While I was over at Kinky 's , he told me that his new self - published book , Heroes Of A Texas Childhood , is now available at Wolfmueller 's Books , and at kinkyfriedman . com ! And , they are signed by him ! If that wasn 't enough good news , he then tells me that his Facebook , is going through the ceiling with friends and fans ! He asked me to please invite all of you to sign up , and become one of his friends . Then Kinky asked me to shoot a game of pool with him . The Hummingbird Man broke up the rack of balls . I sank the first ball . It was a stripe . Then The Hummingbird Man missed his shot . Then I sank my second stripe . Then The Hummingbird Man sank a solid . Then he missed his next shot . It was my turn . Then the phone rang . I waited as Kink went into his office , to answer his phone . My cue ball was less than two inches away from a stripe , which was less than two inches away from the side pocket - an easy shot ! " Nance ! " Kinky half - hollered . " I 'm sorry , but I have got to do this interview ! " " How long will it take ? " I softly hollered back , so not to wake up The Friedmans . I heard Kinky ask the interviewer how long it would take . " Fifteen or twenty minutes , Nance , " Kinky said , pretty loudly . " I 'm out of here , Kink , " I declared . " I won by default , because it is your fault for doing another interview ! Bye ! " I put my stick up , walked outside , and found Will sitting at the piPosted by " I love you , Babe , " Tony said , at six o ' clock this morning . " I 'm going to miss you . " Then he gave me a hug and a kiss , and then he left the trailer - to go win a fishing tournament at Choke Canyon . After feeding Lucky and the dogs , I called in and did the Harley Show , and he and I did a lot of laughing as usual ! I just love Harley Belew . He is such a nice man , and he has a beautiful family to prove it . After doing his fun show , I started walking my six miles . Near the end of my workout , around nine - thirty , when I only had a half of a mile to go , Aaron knocked on the front door . " Come on in , Aaron . " I said . Aaron came inside carrying two very large , identical boxes . " Nancy , FedEx just came , and I had to sign for these two boxes . One is for you , and the other is for Kinky . Where do you want me to put them ? " As I race walked big circles , around the big room and the kitchen , I said , " Right there by the bookcase is just fine . Thank you , Aaron . Who are they from ? " " General Produce , Inc . in Georgia , " Aaron said . " I 'll bet it 's fruit . " Then he left to go back to work with Ben outside . When I was done walking with Leslie Sansone , I poured myself a cup of coffee , then I grabbed the scissors and opened up the box with my name on it . After removing the protective foam rubber , and cold packs , I found two good looking General Produce , Inc . caps , a half of a bushel of beautiful Georgia peaches , and a note from Calvin . His note read : " Cousin Nancy and Tony , Enjoy ! I immediately called Kinky . " Morning Kink , it 's Nance . FedEx was just here . They just dropped off two boxes of delicious peaches for you , and for Tone and me ! " " That 's great ! Who sent them ? " I told Kinky about Calvin , and he remembered meeting him at the event . " Can you bring them over ? " " Nope , " I said . " The box is really heavy . I 'm meeting Will and Ben in Kerrville for lunch , and when we get back to the ranch , I 'll get them to help me with the box . . . " A little while later , I was sitting on a bench , outside a hamburger joint in Kerrville , waiting for Ben and Will to arrive . IPosted by This morning after walking six miles , Tony temporarily turned into a tree for me , and I did my three sets of ten reps of Push Downs ! When I started to do my Hammer Curls , Tone became himself again , and then he went outside to do his chores . I spent most of the morning catching up on paperwork , as I still continued to listen to James Taylor new CD , Covers . When I was caught up with my work , I made lunch for Tony and me . I made spaghetti , but instead of using hamburger , I diced up two zucchini 's , and then added some scallops and garlic , and then poured in my secret sauce - Ragu . T . cleaned his plate , and then I washed it . Since Tony is going to be in a fishing tournament tomorrow and Friday , we needed to go to Walmart to get him a few things , like more lures and worms ! Tony often likes to say to me , " A man can never have enough worms , " which is not exactly my can of words to live by , but I believe him and I know that he means it . Before we went there , we went to Wolfmueller 's Books , because I wanted to buy a copy of my book , to give to Tone 's friend , Fourth Coats , because on our way to Kerrville , Tony told me that Fourth is a big fan of mine , and he listens to me every Thursday morning , on the Harley Show , and he always talks about it the next day , at the Old Timer . In fact , T . told me that he even quotes me ! I felt honored . When we walked inside Jon and Sandy 's bookstore , Jon was sitting at his desk , at the checkout counter . " Hi Cousin Nancy and Tony . How are y ' all doing ? " " Hi Jon , " I said . " We 're doing just fine . I need to buy a copy of my book . " Then I went and grabbed my book from the shelf , and paid for it . " Where 's Sandy ? " Jon smiled , and then he whistled real loud for Sandy to hear ! " Sandy ! " Jon hollered , then he lowered his voice , " She 's back there in her office . Let 's go see her . " The three of us went back to their office . Sandy was in the office visiting with their long time friend , and Kurt , their son , who was visiting them from South Carolina . Sandy quickly introduced us to her friend , but I didn 't catch thPosted by Today has been painfully great , again ! When I woke up this morning , I could have sworn that a Harley Davis motorcycle had run over my arms during the night , but there were no signs of skid marks or beer cans on the floor . Then I remembered what Tony had said to me , about being really sore this morning . It 's weird . I never knew Tone was a psychic . After I climbed out of our tall bed , I reluctantly went to the kitchen , because I knew I had to feed the dogs and Lucky . As they , Toto , Little Girl , Thunder and Hank , yapped at me to hurry up and feed them , I swallowed two baby aspirins . Then I chased them down with an Aleve . As I painfully scooped up dog food , and filled their bowls , I tried to explain to them that my arms were killing me , but they didn 't care ! Once they were all fed , I put them outside , so they could take care of some unfinished business . Then came the dreaded hard part - I still had to feed Mama and Abbie . They are our two giant dogs , and they require several scoops of dry dog food , in their heavy , but cute , hand painted , ceramic dog dishes . After feeding them , I was the happiest girl in the U . S . A . , because the Aleve had finally kicked in . When Tony came home , he teased me about my arms being sore , but he was nice enough to pick up Mama 's and Abbie 's dishes , and wash them and put them up for me . When T . went outside to do his chores , I walked six fast miles . At eleven o ' clock , we rescued Walter Matthau ! Walter is a big , sweet black Labrador mix . My friends , Lindy and Kim brought him to us . Someone had dumped him near their ranches . Walter is approximately one year old , and he is really well trained ! Here 's a picture of him . After a fun visit with Lindy and Kim , Buttermilk took Tony and me to Kerrville . A dog that we rescued last week , Rosanna Dana , was ready to come home , after undergoing heart worm treatment and getting her shots . She didn 't need spaying . When we walked inside Hoegemeyer 's Animal Clinic , I saw the two cats , that we had rescued last week , from Johnson City , sitting happily in their large crPosted by Today has been painfully great . This morning , after walking six Sansone fast miles , I decided to check my e - mail . I had over thirty ! Six were spams , and the rest were from friends . Rick sent me one , telling me that he and Leisa are coming up from Port Aransas , September 26th , to visit us for two days ! My friend , Sue S . , wrote to tell me that she is officially leaving Austin , before the end of the month , and she will be moving to her new mini - ranch , in Harper . She wanted to give me her new soon to be address . Cindy wrote to tell me that she is totally enchanted with New Mexico , and she can 't wait for Tone and me to come visit her . Linda F . , from Brownsville , wrote me about a birddog , that she has rescued and will be bringing up to us soon . Then Mari , one of the most famous NoMads , wrote to tell me that she has scratched off another one of her ' things to do , ' from her bucket list . Mari wrote : " Some of you may know that I was out of town this weekend , doing one thing from my Bucket List - attending the National Cowboy Symposium in Lubbock . One of the sets of entertainers at the wonderful Saturday night the evening concert was the Gillette Brothers . In all of my life to that point , I had never seen anyone actually play the bones ! In case you haven 't either and are curious about this very ancient instrument , I thought I 'd share a link I found . . . " I finished reading Mari 's note , and then I immediately checked it out , and could not believe how cool it was ! Here 's the link to it : The Gillette Brothers ! After reading and responding to all of my e - mails , as I was leaving Yahoo , a news article about how Michelle Obama stays in such great shape , caught my eye , so I clicked to read the article . Her personal trainer , for over twelve years , said that she does Hammer Curls and Tricep Push Downs , and he gave instructions on how to do them ! " Tony ! " I half - hollered . " Please come in here ! You 've got to see this ! " Three minutes later , T . was sitting at my laptop reading the exercise instructions , while I was in the closet with HazPosted by It is ten after three o ' clock . Linda T . and Aaron just left the ranch , after walking our dogs all day . The rescue ranch is now officially closed for today 's Open House , and our time off has just begun ! I am writing this blog from my writing cabin . I am sitting at my desk , and I am listening to James Taylor 's new CD . I love his new CD , and I can 't seem to quit listening to it . Mamajello is stretched out , sleeping on the couch . Mama is the Great Pyrenees , that we rescued over seven years ago . She is a great friend , and she and I have a very special bond . I know that she thinks that we are soul mates , and I am sure that she would be with me all of the time , if I would let her . In other words , Mama is my friendly bodyguard , and if she had a motto , I 'm sure it would be : ' Don 't Mess With Nancy . ' I love my little cabin . It is a peaceful and special place for me . When I need a break from the world , or the rescue ranch , or the men , this is where I come to get recharged . Mama just came over to me , and has just laid down beside my chair . James is now singing , On Broadway . This morning , I woke up at five o ' clock sharp , and unfortunately could not fall back to sleep , so I drank a cup of coffee with Tony , and then he helped me feed the dogs and Lucky . Since my back is still partially out , I filled their food dishes , and Tony put them down on the floor for me . This is unbelievable ! Y ' all are never going to believe what just happened ! A few minutes ago , I heard four car doors slam almost simultaneously . Mama jumped to her feet , and barked , as I turned around to see what was going on outside . There were four women , about my age , surrounding Tony , by their car . Poor Tone . I slowly got up from my chair , and went outside to greet the women . " Hi ! I 'm Cousin Nancy . Welcome to the rescue ranch . " One old lady acknowledged my presence , while the other three tried to convince Tony that he had groupies ! It was hilarious ! Tony 's face was redder than red , and the expression on his face said it all . I had to bite my lip . " Would y ' all like to coPosted by Today has been a good day . We received another quarter of an inch of rain overnight , and things are starting to turn green , at last ! This morning , I decided not to walk the walk , because my back is still hurting a little bit , so I returned e - mails and phone calls . Then I went over to the Lodge to see Will , to ask him to help me with the new weather app , for my iTouch , but he was gone . I had forgotten that he had told me yesterday , that he had to go to San Antone today , so he could be fitted for his new kilt that is being custom made for him . As you already know , Will is a handsome golfer , and he has never been seen wearing a kilt out here . As soon as he told us about getting his custom made kilt , I teased him , and asked him if he was going to be wearing it in his golf tournaments . After Tony , Will and I stopped laughing , Will said , " No Nance . My dad is getting married soon , and he wants his sons wearing kilts at the wedding . " " That is really cool , Will ! Are you going to have to shave your legs ? " I asked . " No , " Will said . Then he jokingly swung his golf club at me . Since Will was gone for the day , I returned to the rescue ranch , and took care of some more paperwork . Around twelve - thirty , I called Kinky on his cell phone . " Hi Kink . . . " We talked about The Friedmans , the rain and my back going out on me . Then I said , " I don 't know if it is because of Mercury in retrograde , but I am feeling sorta down today . " " Nance , " Kinky said . " Me , too . For some reason , I woke up mildly depressed . Nance , you 've got to cheer up ! That 's what we both have to do . Remember , we are the only two members of ' The Undepressables Club ' and we can 't be depressed ! " Then he started laughing . I didn 't laugh , because of my back , but he did make me smile . " Okay , " I said . " I certainly don 't want to get kicked out of our club . I 'll be fine . Don 't worry . . . " By the time our conversation ended , I was feeling better , smiling and lightly laughing . To further improve my mood , I cranked up my iPod , and listened to James Taylor sing the songs from his new album , ' Posted by This morning , when Tony woke me up at six o ' clock , so I could do the Harley Show , at seven - forty - five - it was raining outside ! Tone then took off for Medina , to drink coffee with his friends , and I stayed in bed for fifteen minutes or so , just enjoying the company of being with my dogs and cat . Next to writing , it 's one of my most favorite things to do . When I finally climbed out of the bed , I had a really rude awakening - my back was still out ! Instead of saying , " Ouch , " I said a cuss word , and I 'm not telling you the first letter of that word . After feeding my best friends , I went to the kitchen table , sat down , and checked my e - mails . I had twenty - six new ones . By seven - forty , I was nearly done responding to my new e 's , when the phone rang . I let Carlton take the call . " Hello , Cousin Nancy ! This is Harley . Are you . . . " I jumped out of my chair to pick up the phone , which was a big mistake . I felt a sharp back pain , cringed , and then picked up the phone . " Hi , Harley ! " " Hi Cousin Nancy , " Harley said . " We need to do the show a little earlier this morning , because I have two guests coming into the studio . Are you ready to do it ? " " Yes , Harley . Are we on the air ? " I asked . " Yes , we are . Do you know who ' Harley 's Pet of the Week " is ? " " Yes , it is Buffalo Girl , and she 's one really great dog . She is nearly three years old and . . . " Harley and I visited for a few minutes , talking about her , as the rain continued to fall outside ! After walking six very easy , moderate miles with Les , I cleared a pile of paperwork off of my desk , as the rain made puddle after puddle outside , with the temperature being only seventy - one degrees outside ! I loved it ! At two - thirty , I called Kinky on his cell phone . " Hi , Kinky , we 've received over an inch of rain today ! " Kink was delighted with my good news . " Where are you ? " I asked . " We 're headed up to Grapevine . . . " After we hung up , I returned a few more e - mails and phone calls , then I took a short , twenty minute nap with my best friends . This afternoon , when I was done with all of my rescue ranch worPosted by Today has been fairly quiet , even though today is 9 - 9 - 09 , and Mercury is in retrograde ! Kinky left the ranch this morning , and unfortunately , he won 't be back until next week . I walked six fast miles this morning , and then my back started aching . It is still aching , but thank goodness it didn 't go out on me ! This morning , it rained , and we got a quarter of an inch ! That makes it two inches since Friday , and more rain is headed our way ! This afternoon , Will and Frank made my day today - they loved my Cousin Nancy 's Famous Turkey Burgers ! They thought they were delicious , and the best turkey burgers that they had ever eaten ! They begged me to make some more real soon ! And , I will . Y ' all have a great evening ! This morning , by request , Tony woke me up at six - ten , because the night before Kinky had called and asked me to give him an early wake up call at seven , because he was doing the Harley Show live at eight o ' clock . When I called Kinky , he was already up and drinking coffee , with his old friend , Frank Mason , from Athens , Georgia . He told me that he and Frank were fixin ' to head to Kerrville to do the show . Kinky told me that he had met Frank , years ago , when he played at the Lone Star , in New York City , where Kinky used to perform . Frank was one of the club 's bouncers , and he loved music . In fact , Frank knows just about every famous musician from that era , like Bob Dylan and Levon Helm , etc . I couldn 't wait to meet him ! I watched the Harley Show , and Kinky was great , and the show was great , too ! Harley interviewed Kinky for over an hour ! Here 's a picture of them at the Rose 99 . 9 , that I took off of my computer screen : After Kinky and Harley went off air , I walked six fast miles , and then I returned a few phone calls and e - mails . Then Tony took off for Kerrville to get a replacement fan motor for Buttermilk , so Aaron could install it and we would once again have air conditioning , without haveing to use a rock tool . After catching up , it was my turn to have some fun ! I fixed Donald Trump 's secret recipe , " Mar - a - Lago Turkey Burgers " for the very first time ! A few days ago , on Oprah , she did a show about her favorite foods , and she had The Donald on , and they visited and watched as a chef prepared his famous turkey burgers . After Oprah declared them her favorite turkey burgers in the world , I went online to Oprah , and fetched his secret recipe . I followed the directions carefully , even though some of the ingredients surprised me . I had lunch ready at eleven - thirty , but Tone was running late , again , so I put the burgers on the back burner to warm , and I did some more paperwork . Twenty - five minutes later , Tony walked inside the trailer . " I 'm sorry for being late , Nance , " he said . " What happened ? " I asked , as I started reheatiPosted by |
November 19 , 2008 - timiekley Last August or September , our Church began a trek to Philadelphia in hopes of reaching people through bagged lunches . Our idea was simple : Make bagged lunches , carpool to the city , hand out lunches , talk to those who found themselves in homeless situations , build relationships , talk , listen , pray , and go home . It isn 't rocket science . Yet , through the grace of God , we had met so many people who were willing to sit and talk with us . They would share their stories - many of which I have posted in the past . It seemed as though , throughout this past year , we were called to be there . I am glad . It challenged me and stretched me to be open , vulnerable , and transparent . I am not very successful at doing any of these three much , so the challenge was worth it . It wasn 't until a girl from our church shared about her trip overseas , I began to wonder if what we were doing really made a significant difference in the lives of these individuals . Since the excitement and the " spiritual high " wore off quickly , I found myself wondering if we had a purpose and a reason for being there . The other day , one of the pastors said , " What is a sandwich worth to a homeless person ? " These are some of my thoughts concerning this question . First and foremost , a sandwich is a sandwich . We make them all the time and put them in plastic Baggies to pack in brown - paper bags . Two pieces of bread are put together with peanut butter and jelly in between . That is what our sandwiches looked like . Not fancy - the simpler the better . For others , and myself it was more than that though . It was a key . It was a key that opened doors for others to come and listen and love . It allowed us to reach out our hands and touch another person . It allowed us to receive a smile and a " God bless you " every once in a while . After several weeks of sandwiches , friendships were made and grown . More people came out and experienced something unique that was happening in Love Park . There was a buzz about this group that came down on Monday nights to hang out with homeless people . So many homeless people would ask us , " Why do you come here ? You have a nice home with heat and a TV . " That 's exactly why we need to be here , " I told someone . I know I don 't thank God enough for all He has given me the luxury of having . I am as selfish and capitalistic as the next guy . Give me more or give me nothing - I am an " all or nothing " kind of guy . Hanging out with homeless people changes that though . Allowed to only have one " personal " bag with clothes and other items , capitalism , even at its best , isn 't working for them at all . That when we come in . We can 't fix anyone . I am not a doctor . I don 't have a manual that fixes homeless people . I can love and pray for those who live on the streets . I can stop feeling sorry for them and attempt to do something - even if it is something small like making sandwiches . One thing I am glad we did not do is put some " spiritual " message on the water bottles or places a tract in their brown bags . I think we need to display our actions and love for God before we attempt to throw it down someone 's mouth . If we aren 't living it well , why on earth should we expect others to follow suit ? That is ridiculous . Hopefully our lives are displaying the love of Christ and giving out a sandwich or two will open the doors we need open to display the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the flesh . That is what we are called to do anyway . It might just be a sandwich but it might be something greater than that . It might actually be an open door to a relationship and a friendship with someone you have never met before . Perhaps it will provide a small meal for someone who needs it . Perhaps they will think about you and I as they eat it . I wonder what they would say . So , while the sandwich is not the most important aspect of the ministry , it is nonetheless significant . I have seen something as simple as a sandwich invite people to share their lives with me . That is awesome . I feel so grateful . God is so good . September 3 , 2008 - timiekley This is my second post regarding my mission trip to the Dominican Republic . I took a couple of days to piece this one together because it is something that is simple to understand but has been an eye opener and interesting to experience . There is a difference between being homeless and being poor . For some of you who read this site , that might not be or sound like a big deal to you but it was to me . I have had the great joy of serving the homeless of Philadelphia for about a year now on Monday nights through my church . Going each Monday night , I have learned a lot about myself and about how we can love other despite their smell , their living status , and their ways of life . When I went to the Dominican Republic though , I was suddenly in a position of culture shock . These people were not homeless at all . They were poor - and I mean really poor . Many people that I met would work hours upon hours in a field thrashing sugarcane until they could no longer thrash sugarcane . It was a brutal job with very little of a promised pay at the end of the day . It is not uncommon for a guy to work thirteen hours a day , six days a week and only receive a modest pay of 42 . 00 USD ( seven dollars USD a day ) . I don 't know how you would feel about being paid so little but I know I would probably complain a lot . Yet , those in whom I have met seemed to be grateful that they were making money in the first place and that their families were doing okay and that they had a home to cover then when it rained , though they might have a lot of leaks in the roof . I met a women who was blind and in a wheelchair . She was very old - perhaps around her mid to late eighties or so . She was a kind woman who allowed me to come into her home and sit with her for a time . She just sat there while the fan that they had been hotwired outside of the house to the electric cable that ran electricity through the town blew on her face . It was a hot day and the added cool air would keep her comfortable to make it through the heat . As I sat in her house , I looked around and saw what poverty looked like from a material standpoint . I was in a small living room - type area . The " chair " that I was sitting on was a worn - out piece of wood that was more like a bench than a chair . There was a kitchen table , a couple of chairs with kids sitting in them and a stolen TV that played in the background while we talked . Every so often , she would say , " I am so thankful for this fan " and she would wipe her brow and she would sit back and enjoy the breeze . Before I left her home , I gave her a kiss on the forehead and told her that I would remember her . She asked how I would always remember her and I told her that I was going to take a photo of this experience and place it on my computer . She must smile and said that sounded complicated but since I was an American I would probably figure it out somehow . I just laughed and went on from that experience with a picture of me with a blind woman in a chair who had a fan blowing on her and she was thankful for it . I think that is perhaps a good place to end . In closing , I have to say that I learned a lot from this women who was so grateful for all she had . The people I usually work with in the city of Philadelphia are not as grateful . It is heartbreaking sometimes . I am learning though to love both those who are poor and those who are homeless . I hope that the poor will continue to thank God for their current jobs and the ability to provide for a family while those who are homeless will learn to be thankful for the money they receive every other week from the government and they would continue to strive to be dependant on God and find a place to live and work . Finally , no matter how you slice it , God loves the homeless and the poor just as much as He loves those who have homes and those who are able to provide for themselves through an occupation or a job We seriously have a ton to be thankful for . This is just another thing I am working on even now . So much to do and so little time ! August 26 , 2008 - timiekley Last night was a great night . We have a couple of people who went out with us to Love Park . It was really cool . It wasn 't too hot or too cold . We had probably the greatest weather we have ever had . We had a lot of homeless people out tonight . Usually they are found sitting on the park benches , looking like " normal people " taking a break on a bench . While I sat on the bench , Leroy came up and sat down to talk . He was supposed to have surgery but was unable to because he didn 't have a ride home from the hospital , which was a requirement for going through the surgery . He was a little upset over the whole ordeal but realized that he could do nothing about it . We sat for probably an hour or so just talking about a variety of things . I was glad to talk to him . He asked me if I would pray for him as he was hoping to get the surgery done later this month . My final conversation was with a guy named " Pastor Will . " That is what I call him anyway . He loves to preach . He is your main - man , gospel preacher from the city . With no Bible in hand , he spent twenty minutes and prayed and shared Scripture . I am glad he showed up as well . I know this is a short post about our homeless outreach but there really isn 't much to write about . I hope to meet some new people next time and have more to write about . God has been so faithful to me in the relationships I have begun with my friends in the city . God bless . July 29 , 2008 - timiekley Last night we had a small group of people to go to the city . I am glad every once in a while when there is a smaller group . Usually that means we can all drive in one car and enjoy one another 's fellowship . Though , I also enjoy when we are a large group , being a smaller group every once in a while is nice . For me , last night was a night of prayer and reflection on all that we have done over the past couple of months . I have seen crack users , marijuana users , and other issues throughout the city . Many of them have given us the opportunity to talk to them about life and faith . From the smells to the places we sat and talked , I can no longer call the mission to the homeless a mission but a lifestyle ; a part of life that I live . I guess that is a good thing . I think it is interesting when we have new people come and join us . I think the conversation at the end of the day is most interesting . Sometimes , I wish I could live vicariously through their experience so that what they have experienced would be what I have experienced . When I sat down to hand out a few sandwiches , Leroy , a guy I have gotten to know throughout the weeks showed up and we talked about life . I am glad he showed up . Looking at him , I noticed he had lost a lot of weight . After talking to him , he told me that he has cancer and has lost a lot of weight due to that reason . He is going for surgery at the end of August to remove it . I hope it goes well . I know I will be praying for him . I don 't have much to write about this week because it was not much of a night . It was good though . I am glad I went and am saddened that I will not be there this upcoming Monday night . I am going to Camp - of - the - Woods so I will not be around to do the homeless ministry as well . I will be praying for everyone though . July 23 , 2008 - timiekley I like showing up early to the church and getting some stuff together before everyone else shows up . It gives me time to get focused and to have a few minutes of quiet . Though what I normally end up doing is not quiet , at least the space that I have to work in is - which is good for me . This week is our mission trip to Feasterville , PA . We have decided to do something that is normally not done by most churches . We decided to do a mission trip to our neighbors . If we can 't live it with our neighbors , we have no business living it any other place . That 's my own thought though . Tonight was a difficult night for us as a group , which I will write about later . Walking the streets of Philadelphia , I felt that I should stay away from the Free Library . I want to go and see people who do not expect anyone to come and see him or her . A couple of our friends do work right outside of the library and so I figured I would let them do their thing there . I instead went a couple of blocks from that place to an area that most people probably never go . This is the same place where people make their " homes " against the wall of a factory building . Before I reached them though , I saw Art . He was sitting in his sports chair and eating a bag of chips . He didn 't see me coming but I walked right up to him and said hi . He looked very uncomfortable with me being there so I thought that I wouldn 't stay long . Looking at his waist , it appeared that he was packing a gun in his pants and perhaps something else as well . He also seemed to be high on some form of drug . Regarding both accounts , we didn 't discuss . There was no doubt there was a gun in his waist though under his shirt . The handle was a visible bulge against his shirt . He didn 't seem to even notice or know he had it either because he never looked at it . He finally sat down and rubbed his belly . I watched him to make sure he wasn 't going to do something stupid . I instead gave him a lunch so that he would stop running his hand over his belly . After some surface conversation , I left him so that he could smoke some more . I walked away slowly and made sure he didn 't think I knew what I knew . After a safe distance , I told the guy who was with me what I had noticed . He looked back and then looked at me again . This was the beginning of our night . As we were talking to Art , Aaron walked by wearing a pair of torn jeans that seemed to be two sizes too big for him . He held them up with a warn belt and had on a button shirt that was missing several buttons . Carrying 3 jackets in the beginning of summer , he was looking for some company . Two guys stayed behind and opened up some conversation with him . As we walked along the wall , we all several people beginning to get ready for bed . We went to the end of the building where two guys we had not met before were hanging out . The one guy had his shirt off , exposing several battle wounds with a knife . Liam was from Louisiana and had just finished making plans to go home . He would be taking Greyhound busses the whole way , which would take close to a full day of changing busses all over the place . He said it was worth it though . He wanted so badly to be home and felt that the " City of Brotherly Love " did not show love to him . He said people were rude and lacked real hospitality . I was not sure how to answer him because I had not experienced what he had . I felt bad that he felt that way about Philadelphia but I couldn 't disagree with him . I had no idea what he was experiencing . The other guy was Derek . He had lived in Philadelphia his whole life . Having no work and taking his time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life , he sat on an old mattress and looked up occasionally to acknowledge that we were there . I asked him why he was there on the side of this building . He looked at me and said no one would give him a chance to work . He has a positive work ethic , so he says . I don 't know him at all but I don 't think he is a liar . Anyway , he said he is trying to do his best . For now , the side of a factory wall was his best option . We talked to bother of them for a while . We talked about different cities we had been to and all of the changes that have happened since we had not been there . We laughed a bunch and talked about Barak . I asked him if he thought Obama would make a good president . He just looked at me and shook his head . " The clan would shoot his ass " he responded . I asked him if he liked him . He said no . Too political for America he responded . I guess even some African - Americans have some issues with him . After listening to his political views , we realized it was 8 : 45 and said goodbye . When I got back to where the rest of our group was , I heard there were a few issues that had evolved with the " Food not Bomb " people that usually set up outside of the Free Library . I have to say that I was really surprised . We have built such a nice relationship with them but I guess something had transpired when I was not there . The one woman who was an atheist told one person in our group that she didn 't want us in their turf . I don 't know what all had happened but I know that we now have a new issue on our hands . A couple of us have taken great lengths to build relationships with that group . Now it seems as though all of that work has been thrown down the drain . I think one thing we need to do is get together with two people from that group and perhaps go out for coffee or something - as long as it isn 't Starbucks , I think we can make it work out . One thing I have come to realize through a meeting we had after we returned to the church : We have a motive for going to the city . We have a mission . We have a purpose and an intention . We go to be the hands and feet of Jesus . We do not go in order to preach at people or throw tracts in their face . We open our hearts and our minds and accept people as made in the image of God . In a small way , I am beginning to see why we are there . I am beginning to realize that our reason and purpose for being in the city is two - fold . ( 1 ) To serve the homeless , be involved with justice things , and love the neglected and ( 2 ) Be the hands and feet of Jesus , to share the love of Christ , to give the good news , and to enjoy fellowship with others . I am learning . I know there has to be more though . July 15 , 2008 - timiekley There 's something about helping those who are homeless that I have come to understand recently . The more you do it , the more you feel inclined to do it . Maybe that is something I have written before or something but the fact remains that up until this point of the journey , I haven 't considered myself one to actually help anyone . I don 't mean that in a negative way , but I still really struggle sometimes if we are actually doing anything at all significant . There are so many different groups in the city . The " City of Brotherly Love " has plenty of food options for the homeless and one can get clothes anywhere . What makes us different ? What makes us any different from the 100 + organizations or volunteers out there that essentially do the same thing we do on a Monday night ? The more I go to Philadelphia , the more I am convinced that I need to figure that out . In any case , here are some highlights from Monday night . Last night was a different night . Jathan from Wisconsin was bringing several of their youth kids to hang out in the city with us . I am glad they were here . When we met up , we began walking over to the Free Library - a place we have gone now for awhile . As we were walking up , there was a man asleep on the sidewalk in tattered clothes . I am not sure the youth with Jathan would be prepared for what they might see . The man had no shoes and smelled . I felt like the Priest in the story of the Good Samaritan or something because I ended up just walking by the man who probably could have used a lot of help but I was unprepared to help him out . Convinced I should at least see if he needed something , I returned to him , or where he was just at , only to find that he was asleep . We left a lunch and a pair of new underwear wrapped in a lunch bag for him when he awoke . As I walked away , I looked back . Still asleep I thought to myself . The " Food not Bombs " people were set up as usual . They had a lot of people sitting there , eating the vegetarian food . I could sense that a lot of people did not like what they offered but I saw that they were eating it anyway - I guess they were really hungry . I walked up to two guys and began to talk to them about life and the street . The one guy Ray told me that he was actually in real estate . I had to laugh and then he realized why I thought it was funny . I have never met a homeless real estate agent before . I asked him what the problem was . He just looked at me and said that the market was tight and people are harder to work with . He was from Baltimore and was hoping to find something better up here in PA . With no luck , and the inability to pay rent , he found himself on the streets for the first time in his life . After talking for a while , I gave him a lunch and told him that it wasn 't much . He just smiled and said thank you . With that , I allowed him to go on his way and do his thing . I wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle of the Free Library for a little so ventured off to a spot I had gone before - just a couple of blocks away . This is where I saw all of the makeshift homes people made against a factory building and met a guy named " Black . " Seeing all the " homes " made for the night , I saw a man on a beach chair by himself . His name was Art , and he was stoned beyond recognition . He must have asked me at least five times what my name was . To make him feel comfortable , I did the same . We talked about New Jersey for a little . He said he wanted to get his SS card but couldn 't stop taking drugs . He wanted to work but no one would probably hire him . I told him that I would pray for him and gave him a lunch . As I sat there , I realized he feel asleep on me . I guess all that he had taken today made him tired . And , judging by his face and his age , he must have been . The coolest thing about our night was the prayer circle we had . It was such a large group . A couple of people prayed and we left . The more I realize what we are doing there , the more I realize that we need to do more . It isn 't enough to just hand out sandwiches and leave . I am convinced that we need to share more than just a PB and J with people . We need to dig deeper and invite ourselves in to their world with hopes of being accepted and wanted by them . As I said , there are a lot of groups doing what we are doing so we need to be intentionally different . How we are going to do that , right now , I am not sure . What I do know is not going and not doing anything would be the worst thing we could do . So - I am going to keep going . July 8 , 2008 - timiekley I had an individual tell me the other day that the reason they don 't help the homeless is because they have not been invited to do so . Let me write that again : I had an individual tell me the other day that the reason they don 't help the homeless is because they have not been invited to do so . I didn 't know they had to be invited to be the light of Christ . I didn 't know that one had to be invited to be the ears and eyes of Jesus . I guess I missed the invite or something because I thought it is just supposed to be a lifestyle thing . I guess I have to find that list though . God knows I don 't want to do something like helping those who are less fortunate simply because I wasn 't invited to help . That would just be horrible if I lost my invitation . I must be around here somewhere . Seriously friends . When we have to be invited to help the homeless , I am no longer helping the homeless . I will sit on the couch and eat ding - dongs all day until I get sick . If you want to make an excuse for not loving the poor or help those who are less fortunate than yourself , please don 't tell me the reason is because you weren 't invited . If you really want to piss me off , then be my guest . What a load of crap . Tonight we had a group of 7 of us go . They weren 't invited to go . They just showed up and decided that they weren 't going to sit on their ass . They wanted to serve God and others . Sounds like a good plan to me . I guess it sounded good to them as well . We went to the Free Library again . Seems like we have better luck there than Love Park . We can be a little more " grass roots " with our approach , which I think most of us really wanted from the beginning . Seeing it was another busy night , I walked around for a little . I saw Danny again . He was wearing a " Hell boy " hat and shirt ( both red ) and a pair of blue shorts . He said that he had his first shower in almost a month , which is good because I was sitting next to him and was not prepared to smell what he might have smelled like had he not showered . We sat and talked about drugs for a bit . He was and still is a big drug user . His " claim to fame " as he calls it is crack . He says that is why he is on the streets in the first place . He doesn 't want to have a lot of money because he would just buy crack with it . As long as he has his health and his teeth , he says he is okay with living on the streets . He is about to have his 49th birthday soon . He doesn 't get angry when people look at him wrong because he blames himself for his issues and his current situation . I guess that is good that he places the blame on himself rather than others but I wonder how much would have changed if he had someone to encourage him and disciple him as it were . I am not sure if I could answer that at this point but perhaps he would be a little different about all of this . I couldn 't tell at that moment but looking back , I think he was high . He said he also liked weed and did pretty much anything to do it . Sexual favors were easy enough ( guy or girl ) if he could get something to keep him mellow . The guy who was with him was no different . He said his name was Doug and has been on the streets for about 10 years . He was a scruffy looking guy with a black hat , a gray shirt , and a pair of size ten shoes he says was one size too big for him . He panhandled all the time . He figured it was better than stealing because people would always give a dollar here and a dollar there . After a good three or four hours , he would have well over 100 dollars . I thought perhaps he was lying until he showed me the day 's work . Not too bad for a homeless guy with a decent gut . He didn 't need any food tonight . He said he had a 32 oz stake and was full . We then talked about wasting food and how horrible it was that we do it so often . I agreed with him , telling them that I work in a restaurant that wastes a lot of food . He said the rich have it too easy . Doug said he would eat whatever people wanted to throw away while he washed dishes for a fancy restaurant . The owner found out and he was fired for eating food that no one wanted . He couldn 't understand what the problem was and , I guess if I was in his position , I wouldn 't either . I left Danny and Doug and told them that I might see them next week ( which is usually up to them and where they are on a Monday night ) . I then meet John and " Sparkler " - two people who were not married but assumed the marriage role for one another . This included anything that " married couples do . " John was wearing a maroon shirt and pair of blue jeans while Sparkler wore a gray hoodie and a green skirt that was torn in several areas , showing its age . We began talking about the homeless situation in this area of the city . They said that it was hard because people wouldn 't accept them into their fellowship because they weren 't drug dealers or ' investors . ' John is working on a book while Sparkler makes the money doing whatever she seems to do . She was quiet a lot of the time . John did most of the talking for her and he . I guess that is how it works . As I looked at John 's arms , I could see that he was lying about the drugs because there were needle marks all over them . When I asked about them , he looked down , then looked at me , and said that was an " issue " he had a long while ago and it was fixed . I guess I was mistaken about the earlier comment . He wasn 't lying , or so it appeared . I had no reason not to believe him . After talking to those two for a while , we headed back to our cars and prayed . I am glad we did . Next time someone says that have to be invited to help the homeless , I hope I am not around . We all have a responsibility to those in need . We are never above anyone or any issue that comes about . We must do our part and help those who need it most . It is our responsibility . Let 's get to work ! |
Reply Flying … free as a bird . For one second of my life there is nothing holding me back . It 's just me swinging around and around , innocuous ( adj ) and free , afraid of nothing . No criterion ( noun ) to meet , no one to tell me what to do . There 's nothing here to remind me of him . There I go again . Ever since he left I have been irresolute , ( adj ) lost in the blur of life . Nothing seems real anymore . Ever since that harangue ( noun ) , the speech of a lifetime life just seems like too much . No matter how much I try to forget , I just can 't . That peace of mind I used to have is now so elusive ( adj ) . I just think about how happy I used to be and want to be that way again . I just can 't believe he did this to me . I thought I could trust him . But I guess he had enough guile ( noun ) to last forever . Like we were supposed to . Forever . It 's such a vague term . How long is forever anyway ? I mean if I can 't even comprehend what it is , then how could I put my hope in forever . How could I make such a fledgling ( adj ) mistake ? I still can 't believe he 's gone . And now I can 't preclude ( verb ) him from getting into my thoughts . I just want to start over . To begin again . But it 's not the same . I can 't put that kind of faith in anyone again . Not after how he hurt me . I wish this wasn 't real . I wish it was a dream so I could wake up and deride ( verb ) this memory . I just want to feel normal again . But I don 't think I ever can . I have found an antipathy ( adj ) for this feeling . This feeling of loss , and even though he will never come back , the feeling of love . I still love him . And that 's what makes this even worse . Reply The man in the first picture appears to be elusive ( adj . ) , and he fits the criterion ( n . ) for looking like a thug . He is in an alley and wearing a hood , although that is a fairly pathetic disguise , if he is indeed attempting to fool someone . He does not appear innocuous ( adj ) at all It is as if he has no guile ( n ) . If I had to guess he might be a fledging ( adj ) drug - dealer , trying to appear unconcerned , about what other people might think . If he were to be stopped by a cop the man would no doubt attempt to harangue ( v ) why he was innocent . He no doubt faced alot of derision ( n ) as a child , and he also was no doubt and antipathy ( n ) for society . In the end he was irresolute ( adj ) and didn 't know how to act . He was probably approached by some guys who wanted to make some moneyoff of him , in an attempt to preclude ( adj ) their own discovery . He was an easy target . Reply He didn 't know how he was going to pay his rent this month . Work was elusive ( adj . ) during this time . It 's not that he was a fledgling ( adj . ) student , he just didn 't know what he wanted to do . He went through his life basing his decisions on the criterion ( noun ) set by his small - town community . He disappointed his family when he decided not to run the family 's hardware store and move away from home for college . His family thought he would go to the local college and live the life they had planned . He thought this decision to move away from home would be innocuous ( adj ) , but this idea was harshly proved wrong when he received a harangue ( noun ) from his father . He father assured him that " men like us wouldn 't survive in the big city . " After this lecture , his fear of relocating was fiercely replaced with the need to prove him father wrong . When he got to the city , he found an apartment he could afford that would only slightly strain his budget ( and one his friends would deride ( verb ) at when they saw it ) and he had made a small group of friends at his college . Now that he had been there for five months , his budget was quickly running out . If he didn 't find a source of an income quickly , he 'd have to drop out of college and move back home to the life he had so adamantly refused . He was walking home from the financial aid center when he saw an elderly woman walking alone . The first thing he noticed was her purse hanging daintily from her wrist . He looked around and the street was empty except for the woman and himself . There was no one to preclude ( verb ) him from taking the purse for himself . The woman was irresolute ( adj ) , she wouldn 't try and fight him for it . He had no guile ( noun ) , he couldn 't trick her into giving him the purse . He decided he needed the rent . He pulled his hood up and as he approached her , she looked up and when he saw the look of fear in her eyes he was disgusted with himself . He took down his hood and apologized profusely to the woman . He was furious that he even conStudent # 4 Reply One day this little girl wanted to go to the park , and her mother derided ( verb ) at her . There was absolutely no chance that they were going to go to the park in such horrid weather . But the girl endured , saying that she had promised to meet her friend there . However the mother would not budge . So the little girl decided to go out and find the park on her own . The moment she stepped outside , the weather cleared from rainy to not a cloud in the sky . She just had a glow to her face and the best attitude anyone could ask for , almost like nothing could ever go wrong . The park was not elusive ( adj ) with the youngin 's fantastic sense of direction . She found it in no time , where her friend was eagerly waiting . They had plans to finish their game of monkey tag . A more ' sophisticated ' way of playing tag . Emma had come up with this on her own and taught it to Chelsea . Chelsea was a fledgling ( noun ) herself at the game . The day before , they had played their game in the forest , but emma wanted a new environment to finish up their game . It was important to go by the criterion ( noun ) , therefore if anyone broke the rules , they would be disqualified . Before each day they played , emma would give a harangue ( noun ) about the rules and regulations of the game . Also she would make boundaries to insure safeness , and to preclude ( verb ) any possible injuries . However , the game was ultimatly innocuous ( adj ) therefore there was not much chance of injury . Emma had always had a certain guileless ( adv ) to her personality , so she would sometimes break the rules to increase her chances of victory . But Chelsea had an antipathy ( noun ) for emma 's guileless . But Chelsea was irresolute ( adj ) when it came to games anyway so she was used to it . Reply I was riding my bicycle down the alley wearing my sweatshirt . I had finished my job and was just going home . My job , you can say requires a person to be guile ( adj . ) . I deceive people and make money . I have been chased by everybody but I always preclude ( v ) them from finding me . I 'm silent and elusive ( adj . ) . I live alone in a small apartment . I basically carry out the same routine : eat dinner , watch TV , go on my computer , play games , and go to sleep . I usually don 't get dreams , but one night I had a dream . It was unusual . I was riding my bike down the same alley , when I met this girl . It was interesting . I woke up the next day irresolute ( adj . ) . I just discarded it , and moved on . I went to work on my very awesome scheming job . I went to the marketplace I always go to , and made my booth . When the marketplace becomes crowded with people , my business booms . I deride ( v . ) at the fledglings ( n . ) that try to make a business but fail . I give out harangues ( n . ) that make people want to see what I have . I make criterions ( n . ) to help people buy things . Everybody asks for my name , and I have an antipathy ( n . ) for that . At the end of the day I make a lot of cash and I go home to my lonely self . That day when I went home I actually saw that innocuous ( adj . ) girl in my dreams . I rode slowly trying not cause attention . After a while things started happening like in my dream . I will tell you in my dream I saw that girl and after a while walking down things will not go well . I knew what was going to happen , so I rushed my bicycle forward , and made it just in time to stop was going to happen in my dream . I woke up in a hospital and well lets just say the girl was waiting for me in the waiting room . I guess all turned out well . I met the girl in my dreams . Look weird things happen , and since this good thing happened I decided to quit my old job of scheming and opened up a nice business with the girl in my dreams . Reply I was on my home from the store when it happened . I had a bag of groceries for my grandmother and I was on my bike . I was biking down some innocuous ( adj . ) alleys that seemed completely harmless . The sides of the buildings towered over my head . Clothes were hanging from lines strung between the building and there were even a few shirts on the ground . That person must be a fledgling ( adj . ) when it comes to living here , in the slums . Losing a shirt like that could cost some serious money that a lot of people don 't have . All of a sudden , I saw a man at the end of the street , he was on a motorcycle . He started to drive toward me at full speed , but I knew there wasn 't enough room in the alley for both of us . Assuming he had misjudged the width of the alley , I stopped an dragged my bike over by a wall to preclude ( v ) any collisions . I looked back to the man and he had obviously directed his bike to be heading straight for me , even though there was plenty of room in the alley . I was irresolute ( adj ) , could the person really be trying to harm me ? I hopped back on my bike and began to pedal as fast as I could in the other direction , but I knew I would never be able to outpace the man on the motorcycle . I turned quickly into a side alley , escaping the small amount of openness the other alley provided . I had an extreme antipathy ( noun ) for such a crowded space , but I knew if I went into the smaller alleys I might be able to use guile ( noun ) to avoid this guy . I turned down several more alleys and stopped and waited . I was certain that I was elusive ( adj ) enough to avoid the man . However , just a few moments later I heard the revving of an engine and turned to see the motorcycle man facing me down from the end of the alley . Using the criterion ( noun ) that this guy had obviously been able to find me anywhere , I decided the only escape was the open streets . I pedaled as fast as I could to the mouth of the alley , I passed a homeless man , giving a harangue ( noun ) to the people near him so they might throw a few pennies at him . IStudent # 7 Reply Why has society changed during the war ? Many citizens , who were innocuous ( adj ) , have been sent to jail for working with the enemy . Even though these citzens knew nothing about the other country , they were still classified as fledgling ( adj ) criminals . When the spies of the other country had supposedly entered , mass paranoia broke out . Such a bad state we were in had other countries deriding ( v ) at us . The One , our leader , had a harangue ( n ) the day before , saying he would take any means necessary to capture these spies . He was a guile ( adj ) leader though , so no one could trust his words . He had to meet the criterion ( n ) of not losing to another country . These spies , I think , have come to assasinate the One and his regime . That was why the One took such dramatic steps to stop them . He was irresolute ( adj ) , capturing many people just tring to stop the spies instead of actually searching for them . He however could not find them because they were elusive ( adj ) . The One only cared about himself , trying to preclude ( v ) his incoming death . I had already had an antipathy ( n ) for him . As I rode back to my parents ' house in the countryside for safety , I wondered what would happen … . . Reply I 've seen that man ride down this alley everyday for the past eleven years of my life . He comes about fifteen minutes after Mrs . Aniccelli puts her clothes out on the line . He is usually followed by a familiar pack of kids with their familiar uniforms and their familiar pointless conversations about the trials of adolescence . Me and my familiar life . My familiar life and I . I climbed down the fire escape , I felt a lot cooler using it than the normal flight of stairs , and jumped off of the last ladder feeling especially satisfied with myself . On my shoulder I have a particularly elusive ( adj ) gray messenger bag with my journal and random things that tend to accumulate in bags . I had spent half an hour trying to find it . When I walked from the alley , a delightful ray of sunshine greeted me , followed by a mugger with a gun . Fantastic . I walk into the city , a bit irritated that I was now without my messenger bag . But I managed to keep the journal , I explained that it was a useless notebook and the mugger would get nothing out of it , not to mention the sentimental value . This only proves how strange my thought processes are . The first thing that comes to my mind when I 'm being mugged is " Can I keep my journal ? " I 'm a fledgling ( noun ) when it comes to speech giving , inexperienced and very bad at giving them . I went into a harangue ( noun ) about how important the journal was to me , I think I was allowed to keep it because the speech was starting to irritate him , or was it a her ? Good job you mischievousseñor / ita , you are an incredibly guile ( adj ) individual and no one likes you . I should really start carrying pepper spray so I can preclude ( verb ) these sort of things . I don 't exactly plan to get mugged , but every precaution must be taken . I strolled into the nearest street market and dug into my pocket , a pen ! My short - lived contentment was immediately crushed when I tripped over a sac of potatoes , bringing back the horror - filled days of elementary school filled with ridicule and laughter … at me . Hurrah for being derided ( ? ) by your peers . I got up , of course , I would have looked like an idiot hugging the ground incargo pants and a t - shirt . Actually , I would like an idiot regardless of my choice of apparel , I just looked incredibly prone to antipathy ( noun ) today . No one likesforeigners here , and i look as American as can be today . I continued walking through the market , being especially meticulous about where i stepped , and saw an innocuous pre - school age - child . I waved to him with a smile and he turned around and ran to his mother . " ¡ Mama , está un hombre muy misterioso me hablando ! " The lady then stared at me with the scariest face I had ever seen in my life . Irresolute ( adj ) , I just walked away . I 'm not familiar with the protocol when an Argentine mother thinks that you 're a pedophile . Did i really meet the criterion ( noun ) for a pedophile ? Really ? Well , I 'm a middle aged man , walking alone , waving at small children . I walked home , averting my eyes from any young - looking anythings the entire way . Reply I rode my bike down the narrow streets of Venice . I really couldn 't remember how long I had been here or how many times my flight had been delayed . I did know , however , that I had just listened to the harangue ( n ) , or long passionate speech , of a fledgling ( adj ) , or inexperienced flight attendant . She had truly said nothing for the twenty minutes she had talked about the efficiency of airlines and just how amazing they were . ( I knew she was American so it wasn 't language precluding ( v ) , or preventing her from helping me . ) I also knew that the time I spent in this beautiful city had been over a month longer than I had planned . I was developing an antipathy ( n ) , or aversion , a dislike , for the water roads , that the innocuous ( adj ) alleys caused my twenty mile trip from the airport to take five times longer because there was no direct trip . But , even after living in a dank , elusive ( adj ) , or hard to find apartment , for a month in a half I was irresolute ( adj ) or uncertain how to act around the kind people of this still foreign city . After five hours on my bike , I finally made to the place where I stayed . I derided ( v ) , or laughed at with contempt , my situation . I was probably never going home , even with my guile ( n ) , or particular cleverness in deceiving people , that had gotten me my apartment , bike and most of my meals for free . I knew I needed to find a job , but I had no criterion , ( n ) or any standard on which a decision can be based . I stumbled to my bed and fell against the sheets . And in no more than a few seconds it seemed I woke from this dream . On a plane back home to reality . I had only been in Venice for a few days and though it seemed a nightmare then , I would have gladly taken it over the job and life I was returning to . Reply I have been riding all day and night , and now it was a whole different day . I was irresolute ( adj . ) , and very tired . I was told that my destination wasn 't as elusive ( adj . ) as it looked , and that if I just followed the directions , I would be fine . Fine eh ? I deride ( v ) at this earlier conversation with my boss , nearly missing a strange looking child that wasnt there a second ago . I was a fledgling ( adj . ) at this business , very unexperienced . But I was " family " , and it was time for me to join the family business , at least thats what my uncle said . So here I am , an innocuous ( adj . ) guy making suspicious deliveries to my uncle 's people but trying to preclude ( v . ) trouble in my case , at least . So far so good , but my day wasn 't getting any better . If ONLY I could stop and sleep for , oh maybe a day or 2 , or 5 . Man , I have to stop and get directions , now . All there is around me is wierd looking houses … i think they 're houses ? Houses look nothing like this in Colorado . I keep riding until I see a lady on the side of the path . I start to slow down so i can ask her for directions , but when im close enough , I hear her talking , shes on the phone . Its a strange language , a sort of harangue ( n . ) I guess . Im sitting there for ten minutes , and when I get back on my bike , she switches over to english . And what I was hearing wasn 't very nice . She was talking about a setup , whoever it was about , she was obviously used to guileing ( n . ) them . This person was about to lose their job , house , car and anything else that was valuable . Then the conversation was over , just like that , and the woman was staring in my face like I had just stolen something from her . She wanted to know how long I had been there , and for some reason , I knew it was best to lie , if I wanted to live . She told me to leave , because it was a pretty dangerous pathway to take alone . She stepped away , and I knew I was automatically antipathy ( n . ) by her . Seemed like the farther I went ino this city , the easier it was for criterion ( n . ) . Reply The man on the bike does not look innocuous ( adj . harmless ) . He is wearing his hood up which makes him look suspicious . Maybe he is just trying to stay unnoticed as he rides through the dark scary alley . Maybe it is his way of precluding ( v . preventing ) any encounters in the alley . He does not seem to be a fledgling ( adj . inexperienced ) rider . He rides over the holes in the pavement without trouble . He rides past people sleeping in the alley and others that are drinking . They deride ( v . to laugh at with contempt ) him as he rides by . He feels antipathy ( n . dislike ) for the men drinking and laughing at him . Then some gang members stand in front of his bike so that he has to stop . He feels irresolute ( adj . uncertain how to act ) . They ask him to give them some money . He gives them a harangue ( n . long passionate speech ) telling them he has no money on him but is taking back something to a store . He said he had electronic parts in his bag that he is just about to get cash for . He is using guile ( n . deceit ) to lie his way out of the situation . He tells them he will give them the money he gets from the store . They tell him to come back to this same place to pay them or they will come looking for him . He studies the criterion ( n . a standard on which a decision can be based ) and agrees to there demands . His plan is to then hurry home being elusive ( v . hard to find ) as he goes . Reply I woke up on a roof . I had no idea how I had gotten there , and as I tried to remember the memories just became more elusive ( adj ) . In fact I couldn 't remember anything about my life . Not my name , my job , my age , nothing . All I could think about was the overwhelming thirst taking a hold of my body . I walked to the edge of the roof and saw a man on a bike , riding through the ally . Without warning , my instincts took over . I jumped from the roof and attacked the man , sinking my teeth into his flesh . I drank . I didn 't stop till he was completely drained . Only after I had finished did my senses return . I looked down at the poor man that I had just devoured with intense antipathy ( noun ) . I hated him . He caused me to murder , to kill , and he made me realize that I was a monster . You see , in my world , vampires , werewolves , fairies , and demons are not mythical . These creatures are quite real , and are hated and feared among the human race . I was now one of the worst of them . I was a vampire . My now pale skin , god like beauty , and sharp fangs separate me from the masses . I was disgusted with my self because the thirst still burned through my body like wild fire . I had to get out . I knew from my experience with the man that because I was a fledgling ( noun ) the thirst would take control once more if I ran into another person . I have to get out . It seemed that right as I thought this she appeared . She too was marked with the skin , beauty , and fangs . She was a vampire . She walked slowly towards me , her steps unintentionally grace full and predatory . " Hello young one . I am Lynelle , guide to the new . Welcome to our race . As it is with all newborns , you have forgotten everything about yourself , including your name . Because of this , I will give you a new one . " She pondered for a moment before speaking again . " Your new name will be Aldrik . It means wise ruler , for I have a feeling that you hold many possibilities and will make a good ruler for our people . " Her voice was wise and smooth as she spoke . " I refuse your welcome and your name . I refuse to lead a pack of monsters . Your race disgusts me and if possible I would have never become a part of it . " " How dare you speak that way of our people ! You know nothing of us ! You base your hate off cruel stereotypes and false rumors . Your criterion ( noun ) for hating us is stupid and immature . I usually do not make mistakes in my judgment , but there is always a first . I have no idea how I mistook such a cruel and cowardly man as your self to be the future leader of our magnificent race . " She finished her harangue ( noun ) as she derided ( verb ) at her mistake . Her words had an intense affect on me . I was suddenly angry once more . I was no coward . I would prove this woman wrong , I would lead her people , but I would lead them to their doom . At the end of my reign , there will be no more vampires to haunt this world . I would be guile ( adj ) and seem innocuous ( adj ) , while I was really driving there race to extinction . With these plans at the front of my thoughts , I spoke again . " You have not made a mistake in judging me . Please allow me a second chance , and forgive me for my earlier actions . I am new to this race , and some old prejudices will take some work to get rid of . I will do my best to not disappoint your or our people . " After I said this she just stared at me . It seemed that she was searching for the motive behind my words . Her gaze was intense , but I knew I mustn 't turn away or she would not accept me . I kept on staring . Finally finding nothing she spoke once more . " Welcome to the coven , and to a whole new way of life . I must warn you , to preclude ( verb ) the people from assuming you irresolute ( adj ) then you mustn 't act like it . Even if your are afraid and unsure , act like you know what you 're doing , make the coven trust you and your skills and you shall go far . " I just nodded and followed as she walked away , leading me to my new home and unknowingly to the downfall of her race . " The boy was peddling as fast as he could . Going through the narrow backstreets of the ancient city on a bicycle is not easy , but such minor inconveniences did not preclude ( v ) the boy 's desire to help his family . Unlike most boy of his age , this boy had an antipathy ( n ) toward idleness . Every day after school , the boy rode his bicycle to the evening market and opened up a fledgling ( adj ) business , selling nuts and raisins . Some customers have him a hard time and bought a few cents worth of goods only after haranguing ( n ) , but most saw him as an innocuous ( adj ) boy and bought all they could afford from him . The boy seemed without guile ( n ) and elicited good will from most of his customers . Even the patrolling police who normally did not allow street sales without permit was irresolute ( adj ) about enforcing the rules against the boy . The city did set criterion ( n ) by which all merchants are to adhere , but in this case an exception was made . No one could deride ( v ) the boy 's effort to bring a few dollars to help his brothers and sisters eat . He knew that chances of survival for his parents were elusive , ( adj ) but the cool evening wind on his face reminded him that he must hope for them every day . Reply Thinking I would be irresolute ( adj . uncertain how to act ; weak ) because I was new to the gang and a fledgling ( adj . inexperienced , beginner ) , my ability to find and safely bring back the package was the criterion ( n . a standard on which a decision can be based ) for whether I would be accepted or not . I greatly desired this acceptance , for I had been derided ( v . to laugh at with contempt ) and treated with antipathy ( adj . aversion ; dislike ) by the other members of the gang since I had joined . I was ready for the initiation , but there was one problem . The package I found out was located in the local police headquarters for it was evidence of a crime that we had done before I joined . I knew it was too easy . Someone told me we had to get it back do the police would not be on our back , but I had a feeling there was a trick going on . It took some guile ( adj . deceit ; particular cleverness in deceiving people ) , and unfortunately a small harangue ( n . long , passionate , and intense speech ) to convince them to show me the package . It was in a small , innocuous ( adj . harmless ) yellow sack . Before I even took the time to see what was inside , I grabbed it and ran . They tried to preclude ( v . to prevent ) me from escaping , but i managed to get away to an elusive ( adj . difficult to find ) alleyway on my bike . While I rode back to the gang , I took a peek inside the bag . An immense feeling of foolishness came over me . I had been pranked . No wonder it smelled like dog crap … Reply He was a no one to everyone , but he was the one who changed my life ; forever . Guys like him are elusive ( adj ) and difficult to find . He didn 't care what people thought about him , but he wasn 't a punk . I met him in the coffee shop . I know , quite cliche and totally typical , but I 'm just telling you my story . You have to understand me , I NEVER drink coffee . Ever . I was just there because this up and coming singer who was going to play there , on the day I met Jeff . I had forgotten exactly why I didn 't drink coffee , I couldn 't imagine the reason for my antipathy ( n . ) and dislike . I stepped up to the counter just as much of a fledgling ( n . ) and beginner like a kid is in a school on their first day . Jeff was taking my order . I was dreading the derider ( n ) and laughs of ridicule he would give me when I told him I hadn 't ever ordered coffee before , but he just smiled when ever I bashfully explained myself . His smile made me forget about the question that he had asked me . I blanked out , then realized I had been starring at him for so long . I was so embarrassed that I scanned my eyes across the board , and read the first thing that I laid eyes upon . " Costa Rica Special Dark blend . Any way that you think is best . " He could obviously see my irresolute and weak disposition , and he nodded at my request . I paid , and got my drink without saying another word to him . The singer performed , but left me disappointed , along with that coffee . It was the most miserable drink I had ever tasted . I took one sip and didn 't touch it again . I left to go to the store to pick up a box of HoneyNut Cherios for my breakfast and dinners . I like walking everywhere , so I was on my way to the store , when a bicycler came out of an ally way and crashed into me . I toppled over , and tried to preclude ( verb ) and prevent a loud shrill of pain to escape from my mouth . Guess who it was ? Yeah , Jeff . We both scrambled up , and he spoke to me first , introducing himself very kindly . I smiled , and said , " I 'm Ruby . " We talked about the coffee that I paid so much for , and how it was sat down and neglected . We walked all the way to the grocery store just talking . He was amazing , and when I was with him , the natures of my day such as cars and creepy men seemed innocuous ( adj ) and harmless . He said that he had just started work yesterday , and that it was his first job . I asked him why he had never worked before , and he just smiled and looked at me . I raised my eyebrow as if asking for information , and he just responded with " I just moved in to my first home . " That confused me . He seemed so smart , and patient with my explanations . I could just see him explaining a long speech or harangue to me as we walked around the city . It was dawn in what seemed like minutes , and so we departed . I went to the coffee shop everyday , and ordered a glass of water , with a ' gourmet ' donut . After a few months , I was walking about one day , and I saw him laying down on the ground . I was worried , and I checked up on him . He smiled at the moment he saw me , and I smiled back with a slight look of puzzlement . He explained how he got hour cut backs a couple of months ago in the coffee shop , and he had to move out of his house … which later he explains that he was living in a hotel . The guile ( n . ) he had first posed at me made me laugh , yet think seriously about how I trust him . He apologized for not telling him , and that he reStudent # 16 Reply Leah , after a long day at school , is finally able to relax herself . At school , Leah was bullied again today . Fred , being very guile ( adj . ) , is able to trick Leah into eating an egg - salad sandwich that had been sitting around in his locker for a couple of weeks . And he was always able to preclude ( v . ) the principal 's wrath . " I thought we were taught to give . That idea was the criterion ( n . ) I based my actions on . That 's why I wanted to give her something . I didn 't know it was stale . I would 've eaten it . Heck , I thought it was the lunch my mom packed ! " ' Psh , yeah right , ' thought Leah . During gym class , Leah was also beat up . A fledgling ( n . ) at dodge ball , Leah was irresolute ( adj . ) on whether to dodge the ball or catch it when it was thrown at her . She ended being slammed in the face . She could hear Fred deride ( v . ) from all the way across the gym . Leah never knew why Fred had an antipathy ( n . ) toward her . ' What did I do ? ' she questioned herself while walking towards the playground . Then , another even more dreadful question crossed her mind . ' What can I do ? ' Leah positioned herself onto the swing . Thinking about Fred , her heart ached and pounded . A certain feeling in her stomach left her wanting more . More of something . This feeling . Her cheeks turned red a little and her eyes softened . ' Fred . Why do I like him so much ? ' Just then , the sun was setting , and a figure walked towards her . The sun created a dark silhouette of a boy striding confidently her way . As the figure came nearer , she saw the face of her dreams ; the face with a few freckles and red hair . The face of Fred . " You 're so elusive ( adj . ) , Leah . I searched everywhere . I never thought you 'd be here . Oh well , glad I found you . " " Listen , Leah . I 'm sorry for what I 've done to you at school . All I ever wanted was for you … to notice me . What I 'm saying is that … " Fred 's face leaned closer to Leah and Leah bent forward in response . Their faces came together , and Leah puckered and … kissed nothing . Fred was laughing hysterically . When I first read your story , I thought it was going to be the typical ' boy bothers girl because he likes her ' story . I was pleasantly surprised with the ending . I really appreciated that you didn 't end your story the way I expected because there are way too many stories like that . At the end I actually started laughing . That may be a bit cruel , but the way you wrote made me feel sorry for Leah , but also made me laugh out loud . I 'm not sure if that was your goal or not , but I really enjoyed your story . Also , I didn 't even notice that you were using required vocabulary in the story . You integrate your words very well , and the story didn 't seem blotchy because the words weren 't randomly thrown in there . You seemed to have really cared about it because it was very easy to read . I like your story a lot . I didn 't think I would get as caught up in it as I did . I could see the shirts that had fallen as he peddled by and I could hear that revving of the engine . I felt like I was there . I felt myself worrying that he wouldn 't escape . You know how to draw someone in quickly which is a definite plus . I liked the writing style , and hope that you continue this story later . Your story was so funny . I thought , when I first heard the word gang , that it would be kind of a serious story . I thought it was going to be one of those stories where the kid tries to prove himsel to raise his status . But in your story , the kid didn 't . After some SAT vocab words , I was able to know something weird was going on . Your story was at first all suspenseful , but then became a funny story after that last sentence . I thought it was pretty cool how you were able to do that . The vocab words were well established throughout the story . I thought it was a really good story . Wow . Your story is awesome ! I was kind of dreading responding to these vocab stories but was quite thrilled once I read yours . It might be ' cliché ' but so amazing ! The fact that a coffee shop brings 2 people from 2 different worlds together , someone who has a house and someone who is homeless , is so cute ! While reading this I also felt like I was there . You were very descriptive and very detail oriented . You integrated the vocab words in really well too . I love this story ; it definitely changes my outlook towards responding to these . Reply I am responding to student number 8 . First off , I can totally relate with your character wanting to save his notebook . I too find great value in writing , though I doubt a mugger with a gun would take the time to reach into his new found belonging to retrieve a so valued journal . I love writing and have many filled notebooks , which I would be devastated to lose through robbery . Also I like the way your story is quite random . It actually makes it seem more believable , as life is usually an accumulation of incredibly random actions . As for the pedophilic ending ; interesting . Again , very random but it makes the character a little stranger , especially since it doesn 't really resolve . But the Spanish ? I am totally impressed . I really liked the simplicity of this story . It felt like it was just one moment in time , yet it was way important . The thing was , it doesn 't sound like something important , or even something worth noting . It was just a couple seconds ( the second part was ) in a man 's life , and it 's not like he even went through with it . He stopped just before he did . So what 's the story ? How 's it exciting ? Somehow , I loved it . I think I loved it because it lacked the whole " trying to make this so depressing , so deep , so good " , or at least I didn 't see that in this story . It was a simple story about the thoughts that all of us get sometimes . Thank you very much for this thought provoking story . I do not wish to be rude , but this entry is called vocab story . You just described the picture . When going through these , I wanted to come across some decent short stories . While a good description , I would have liked to see you take it farther . To take your assumptions about the hooded man , and form a story around them . For example , instead of just saying that you thought he could have been an inexperienced drug dealer , you could have told a story about his first experience with a client , or why he became a dealer in the first place . I know this week 's vocab story is mandatory , and that you probably already wrote your entry by the time this is posted , but I challenge you to take your observations farther . Explore your possibilities as a writer . Your descriptions were very detailed , so next time just take them , and make a story . This was one of the vocab stories that I thought was interesting on this entry . First off , I commend you for your integration of the words . In my opinion , any person who would have read this story couldn 't have noticed you were having to use required vocab words . Second I like how you created a sort of cliff hanger kind of conclusion at the end . Maybe you should continue this story in one of the future vocab entries . If you did then I would certainly take time to read it . I am curious to see what happens next . Your story reminded me about how most of my days are . I thought your story was clever and it made me laugh at all the sarcastic comments the narrator made . I also thought the little boy was really cute . Ican picture him with this cute little spanish voice tugging on his mommy 's skirt while she does everything to protect him . The reason I think your story is so special is because it makes a really bad day , funny . It is important to be able to laugh at yourself even when your day is going the way this guy 's day is going . I loved the part about the mugger . The mugger even scared me because you didn 't use a seperate sentence for him , you just included him in the sentence where the man was going outside so he startled me . I think this story is pretty characteristi of you the author ( I 'm pretty sure I know who wrote it ) and it was great seeing you use your wit . Your mysterious nature made me wonder … what was in the journal ? I loved your story . Or maybe I should say a list of facts about a random person . But the simplicity of it is what makes it golden . Plus , the last sentence is what ties the simplicity together . When targeting someone , the ' targeter ' can 't know much about his or her target , or else he or she would start to have feelings for the target . Then the target would change from an easy target to a target with deep historical and emotional background , causing the ' targeter ' to hesitate . Therefore , only basic information about the target is only needed to identify the target . The target doesn 't need to be personified . The first thing that drew me into your story was the first line of the first paragraph . Bullying is a really touchy subject because even though it 's quite commonplace in our world , that doesn 't make it any less awful . This story is incredibly sad when you think about it . I mean , just imagine if that was done to you . The only one you really cared about absolutely detests you , and frequently humiliates you . And then to lie about loving her and then laughing so cruelly at her ? That 's mortifying . That said , it surprised me as to how lightly she seemed to take that . Bullying is really difficult to deal with , and while I understand it becoming more mundane because it happens all the time , I don 't understand her apathy at the last part . I loved this entry . Sarcastic and random , the descriptive language really paints an ' urban ' picture in the reader 's head . The narrator 's commentary , usually sarcastic and mocking , make the story more real ( for me , anyway , since I am a big user of sarcasm ) . In addition , I 'm pretty sure I know who the author of this story is because of the tone and language use , which is My favorite part of this story was how it started out with familiarity . " Me and my familiar life . My familiar life and I . " The ' story ' unfolds with a bunch of random events , showing that perhaps the narrator 's life ( and life in general , for that matter ) aren 't that familiar and predictable after all . This story is mysteriously told . The descriptions are vague , and none of the people are given names . It sounds like it could be the beginning of a very interesting story . I 'm really curious about the " ancient city , " and how things turn out for the boy . Why do his parents depend on him for survival ? Maybe they 're sick with an ancient disease , or maybe they 're wanted by the government and have to stay in hiding … Mysterious stories always intrigue me because there 's plenty of room for imagination . your story is absolutly amazing . one thing i like about yours and many of the other entrys is that poeple have the ability to take completely random pictures and turn them into whatever they want . in your story you chose to make the man on the bike a " thug " . but in reality that man could have been anyone . i chose this entry becouse of the ones that i read i thought it was the most creative . i believe if there had been more time spent on this entry you could have made a good story out of this picture with your idea . one thing that bothers me about the storys on this pictute is that most of them are negative . this man is automatically assumed to be doing bad , weather he is homless or selling drugs . I began to wonder if i was riding a bike down the street with a hoodie , would poeple think this about me . I enjoyed your story but I think you could have included a few more details about the main character . I was wondering a few things , though , when I finished your story ; why was he / she so disgusted with Venice ? how had the flight been delayed for a month ? and what was so terrible about the job he was returning to ? I think absolutely nothing could make a person sick of Venice , but I would be interested to find why this character is . I 'm not sure that its possible to delay a flight for a month unless there was a terrorist attack or all of the airplanes magically combusted . The one I would really like to know , though , is why the person was sick of Venice , and wanted to go to their job . Then , when the person woke up , they hated their job and would prefer Venice . I was confused at the end , and hoped you would have summed it up a little more . |
Taurys moaned softly as he woke . Sitting , he ruffled a hand through his hair . The sun was fully up . The day had dawned clear and bright . He shook his head in frustration . Why hadn 't anyone woken him ? He dressed quickly and headed out of his room . It took him a while before he found Gilbert and Felicja . They were at the top of the tower . Gilbert had his head bent over a notebook . He was writing diligently . Felicja was staring off at the sea . It seem usually calm . " Good morning , " he said , waving at each of them . He sighed as Felicja glanced over at him and nodded in greeting . Gilbert didn 't even react to his voice . He was completely focused on his work . He shook his head . " Why 'd you let me sleep so late ? " Felicja shrugged . " The doc said that it was better to let you wake on your own , " she said . She looked thoughtful for a moment . " You looked like you were dreaming when I checked in on you . I didn 't know you could dream . " " Just like you , it 's every night , " Taurys said . He closed his eyes . Usually , he dreamed of swirling , formless colors . Last night had been different . He 'd dreamed about being in a glass room . A light was at the center of the room and it pulled steadily - going dim and then brightening . As he remembered the dream , he realized that he 'd been dreaming about being in a lighthouse . That wasn 't surprising , since they 'd arrived at one the day before . Taurys leaned back against the window behind him . He frowned . Something had been bothering him for a while and this seemed like a good time to ask about it . " What 's the Agency 's obsession with lighthouses , anyway ? " " Two different bases - this one and the Egg - have lighthouses on them , " Taurys said . He frowned and added , " Three , if you count the Watchtower . " He shrugged . " It 's also on our badges . " When Felicja shrugged and turned away , Taurys heaved another sigh . " With this place and the Watchtower it at least makes sense . The Egg is a floating island . What 's the lighthouse meant to be warning people away from . " That got Gilbert 's attention . He looked over at Taurys and shook his head . " Lighthouses don 't warn ships away from the shore , " he said , his voice soft . " They 're a beacon , to show the safe passage through the rocks . " Felicja nodded . " The lighthouse on the Egg is meant to help Agents find it , " she said , shrugging . Her brows furrowed . " The League of Nations and the International Intelligence Agency , as part of it , is meant to be a light in the darkness , guiding people who are lost safely home . " For a moment , Taurys stared at them . Then , he smiled and looked out at the water . It was deceptively calm , but there were rocks out there , he knew . The lighthouse guided ships through the treacherous waters . As agents , the were meant to do that for those who were navigating the dangerous waters of life . " I never thought of it that way , " he murmured . Ivan Petrov was dead . There was no doubt about it . He hadn 't simply disappeared , only to reappear when they all least expected it . Neither had he contracted an illness and left government work . If that had been the case , they could report that he 'd died when he 'd really just been pushed into a hospital somewhere . There could be no doubt of his death because it had been so public . The president had been in the middle of a speech . News agencies were filming it , to air later . There , in the background , stood the main government building . It had once been the royal palace , but when they 'd overthrown the royals , they 'd changed it into the headquarters for the government . Just as the president had stepped forward - before he 'd even greeted the gathered crowd - a body plunged from the roof of that building . Members of the press had gasped in shock . Some people had even screamed . Taurys watched the film with a mixture of shock and some other feeling he couldn 't quite identify . Then , he looked at Arthur . " Petrov ? " he said , his voice faint . " They 're absolutely certain that was him ? It 's not some sort of trick ? " Nodding , Taurys moved to his feet . " Thank you for letting me know , " he said . He moved to the door of the office . He was dimly aware of Arthur speaking - asking if he was all right . He wasn 't even sure that he answered as he headed down the corridor and out of the Agency building known as the Castle . When he stepped out into the pouring rain , he realized what the emotion was that was mingled with shock . A laugh bubbled up and mixed with the tears that stood in his eyes . A sound between a sob and a laugh escaped his lips . " He 's dead , " he breathed . He looked up at the clouds and held out his arms . " He 's dead , " he screamed into the rain . Ignoring the stunned looked he was drawing from passersby , he laughed and shook the rain from his hair . " Thank you , God . Petrov is finally dead ! " Someone called his name and he whirled around . Gilbert was standing on the steps of the Castle , an umbrella clutched in his hands . He was blinking at Taurys and frowning slightly . " You 're … happy that he killed himself ? " he said . He flushed and then shrugged . As Gilbert came down the steps to stand beside him , Taurys shook his head . He couldn 't keep the smile off his lips . " Petrov didn 't kill himself , " he said . He chuckled and shook his head again . " He 's not the sort . That - that was an assassination - a bold assassination . There , in full view of the press and the president and the rest of the government . " Taurys ruffled his hands through his wet hair . " We called him the Lynx , because he would strike quickly and without warning , " he said . Then , he gave Gilbert a playful wink . " You might know him as Nicholai . " Shrugging , Taurys said , " That 's what he 'd do , Gilbert . He 'd lure the target to a convenient rooftop and then knock them off . " He stepped closer to Gilbert , so that he was shielded by the umbrella , although it hardly mattered . He was already soaked to the skin . " Let the director think it was suicide , though . It 'll be easier on Nicholai that way . " Nodding , Gilbert moved towards the door . Taurys followed him as they stepped inside . " Get changed into something dry , " he said . He flashed a smile at Taurys . " You can 't catch a cold , but it won 't do The Singer any good to be cold and wet for too long . " " Right , " Taurys said . He headed towards the locker room in the basement , whistling a happy tune . A few years ago , he would never have believed that Petrov could be killed . Wherever Nicholai was , Taurys hoped that he was well and safe . He knew , with Petrov gone , that things would change in Veligrad . It was only a matter of time . Gilbert stopped and picked up a large white stone that was carved in the shape of a bear . He held it out to Taurys . " This is a bit harder than the stones we were using last time , " he said . " It should be harder to crush . " " That 's … a symbol of the Snow Father , Gilbert , " Taurys said , hesitant to take the stone bear from him . He didn 't want to break a religious symbol . That was so much worse than crushing simple garden stones . A faint smile touched Gilbert 's lips . " Think of it as added incentive , " he said , shrugging . He nodded when Taurys held out his hand , palm up . He set the stone bear in Taurys 's hand . At first , Taurys simply let the bear rest on his palm . Then , after a bit of coaxing from Gilbert , he began turning it over in his hand . He blinked as he managed to hold it with just enough force to keep from dropping it , without breaking it . " I 'm doing it , " he breathed , tears welling in his eyes . " Part of getting a handle on your emotions is identifying them , " Gilbert said . He leaned down to look into Taurys 's eyes . " Take a deep breath and let it out slowly . It 's all right to be happy and surprised , but … you don 't want to cry about it . Right ? " " Right , " Taurys said . He took a few deep breaths and , after a few moments , he felt calmer . He was still happy that he could hold the stone bear without crushing it . He didn 't feel the pricking of tears at his eyelids anymore . Gilbert smiled at him . " If you start to feel your emotions overwhelm you , take a moment to think about why you 're feeling that way , " he said . " Take a breath and try to relax . It 'll take time , but you 'll get there . " " Thank you , " Taurys said . He set the stone bear back in its place in the garden . Then , he brushed off his hands . " Do you have any more of those stones with words on them ? " " Hard boiled eggs should be easier than raw ones , " Taurys said , nodding . He grimaced . " I need to stop at the market on the way home to get more eggs . I had a disaster preparing breakfast . " Taurys sat down at the dining room table . As he began playing with the jewels that were in the bowl , making up the centerpiece , Gilbert headed into the kitchen to boil some eggs . " Why did you make this body so strong ? " he asked . Shrugging , Gilbert said , " I was ordered to - so that they could use you as a field agent . " He heaved a sigh and shook his head . " People keep saying they want peace , but … that 's not going to happen until we stop thinking in terms of making better weapons than our enemies . " " So , that 's all I am to them ? " Taurys said , frowning . " A weapon ? " He felt the jewel in his hand crack and took a steadying breath . As he released the frustration that had been growing , it was easier to grip the jewel without breaking it further . Gilbert shrugged . " To them , maybe , " he said . Then , he gave Taurys a weak smile . " To me , you 're a person and a friend . You 're a father to Milda and a husband to Daina . You are so much more than just a weapon , Taurys . Keep that in mind . " Sighing , Taurys nodded . " I will , " he said . By the time lunch was ready , Taurys could manage to hold the jewels without crushing them . Gilbert had been exactly right when he said it would be tricky to break the eggs without crushing them . He made a mess of the first two eggs he tried to peal . By the third , he 'd figured out how much force it took to break the shell without ruining the egg inside . When the girls came inside , he was happily breaking the shells off the eggs , while Gilbert mixed them into a salad . Gilbert smiled faintly . " Why don 't you make some toast and then set the table ? " he asked . " This is part of Taurys 's therapy . " This is the beginning of my second August NaNo project . It also answers two of the prompts from WriYe 's DreamWidth . One is a picture prompt and the other is a word prompt : Tissue . It was a beautiful day in Berlyn . The sun was shining and birds were singing in the trees . The air was becoming crisp as the season turned from summer to autumn . Taurys sighed softly as he glanced around the field . He couldn 't help but smile when he saw his daughter . There was a time he 'd feared that he might never see her again . She plucked a fluffy blowball out of the grass and blew against it . In an instant , the tiny white fluffs flew away , carrying the seeds of the dandelion . Milda giggled and watched the seeds , turning in place to follow them as they swirled around her , carried by the wind . As soon as she spotted Taurys , a sunny smile touched her features . " Papa , " Milda said , bouncing forward . She threw her arms around Taurys 's waist . Chuckling , Taurys wrapped his arms around her . " Hello , Daughter , " he said . He blinked when she pulled away . " Milda ? " he said , blinking . Scowling , Taurys crouched down and looked at her arm . There was a mark , the shape of his hand there . He gasped and looked down at his hands . He was so much stronger now , he had trouble controlling it . " I 'm sorry , Milda , " he said , reaching out to her . Milda pulled away from him . " No , " she said , her voice firm . " You 're not my papa . I don 't know what you are , but Papa would never hurt me . " Taurys felt as though something in his chest snapped . He stood , watching in sadness as Milda ran across the field , away from him . Then , his gaze was drawn upward , beyond her . Petrov was smiling , holding his arms out to Milda . " No , " Taurys cried , " get away from her ! " Gasping , Taurys turned and the scene faded . He was standing in the middle of his dimly lit bedroom . Daina was sitting on the bed , frowning at him . " Daina ? " he said , blinking . He looked around . " I - I was in a field , " he said , trying to make sense of what was going on . " It was a dream , Taurys , " Daina said , her tone gentle . She held up the blankets and smiled . " Come back to bed , Taurys . It 's all right . " Taurys shivered and nodded . " I just … I 'll check on Milda , " he said . He stepped over to Daina and kissed her mouth lightly . " I 'll be right back . " " I will , " Taurys assured her . Then , he pulled on his robe and padded out of the room . Milda 's bedroom was just down the corridor from theirs . He eased the door opened and sighed . Milda was curled up under her blankets , looking as sweet and peaceful as he remembered . He tugged the door closed , being careful not to pull too hard . Then , he returned to the room he shared with Daina . He slipped under the blankets and stretched out beside her . As she curled against him , he wrapped an arm around her shoulder . " I can crush rocks with these hands , " he whispered . Taurys shook his head . " I dreamed that … I hugged Milda and accidentally hurt her , " he said . Tears welled in his eyes , because he knew that was possible . He still wasn 't quite used to how strong he was now . " She … ran away from me - to Petrov . " His heart clenched at the memory and he released a shuddering breath . Daina kissed him lightly . " That would never happen , Taurys , " she said , her voice soft . " If our Milda ever ran from you , she 'd run to me . You know that . " Sniffling , Taurys nodded . " I don 't want her to run from me , " he breathed . " I don 't want to hurt her , ever - not even emotionally . " " Sweet husband , " Daina said , sitting up to look into his eyes . She kissed his eyelids and then nodded . " That 's what makes me so certain it 's you in there . " She patted his cheek . " Such the worrier . " She rolled away from him then and tugged a tissue free of the box on the nightstand . Handing it to him , she said , " Dry your eyes , Taurys . Then , drink some water to replace the fluids you 're losing . " Taurys took the tissues and did as she 'd said . Then , he reached over to the nightstand on his side and lifted the water glass to his lips . He took a sip and set the glass back . " I should talk to Gilbert about … my strength . Yeah ? " " You should practice the exercises he gave you until they become second nature , " Daina said , shaking her head . She frowned and brushed tears from his eyes . " I 'll have a word with him about this , " she said . " I think he 's gone a bit overboard with how real things are . You never used to cry so easily and you 've never sleepwalked before . " Taurys chuckled and wiped away the last of his tears . " I 'm just having trouble adjusting , " he said , shaking his head . " Everything is about learning control . It 's like … when someone comes out of a coma . They have to learn how to control their emotions , yeah ? " Daina looked thoughtful for a moment . Then , she nodded . " I will have a word with him about the sleepwalking , though , " she said , her tone one of determination . Then , she kissed his cheek again and said , " Now , try to go back to sleep . " " Yes , dear , " Taurys said , as he lay back down . He curled on his side , gently drawing Daina close . As she snuggled into his embrace , he closed his eyes . He was determined to learn better control , now . It wasn 't just about what Gilbert wanted or being embarrassed about destroying the stones . Now , it was about his family . Taurys frowned as Gilbert set a small pot in front of him . " Rocks ? " he said , arching an eyebrow at Gilbert . " What am I supposed to do with rocks ? " " Read them , " Gilbert said . When Taurys frowned at him , he shrugged . " I 'm checking your systems , Taurys . We have to make sure that everything is working as it should . " Sighing , he looked at the stones . " Joy , " he read , his voice soft . " Peace , hope , love , wisdom , strength . " He looked over at Gilbert and shrugged . " So , we know that I can read . " Sighing , Taurys reached for the stone . He couldn 't understand the point of the exercise . The first two parts made sense , even if he thought they were pointless . This one … he frowned as he grasped the stone in his hand . He could see the cracks forming in the stone . They spread outward and , to Taurys 's shock , the stone crumbled in his hand . Gilbert grimaced . " You 're stronger now than before , Taurys , " he said . He looked up as Felicja bounced into the room . " Hey , " he said . Taurys had been so certain that is was what he 'd wanted a month ago . There had been no doubt in his mind . Now , though , he couldn 't seem to escape from the uncertainty of it all . A part of him was still firm in the resolve that this was the right thing to do . He was torn between that certain resolve and the fear that it was wrong to tamper with nature in this way . As he stared down at the body on the table , he chewed his lip . Gilbert had done an excellent job in recreating his natural appearance . He felt like he was staring down at his twin brother . The figure had the same dark , tidy hair . He had the same shining green eyes . His complexion was the same , even . Only the height was different - his new form was much shorter than his original form was . Sighing , Taurys glanced over at Gilbert . The scientist was hard at work on something . " What more are you doing ? " he asked , even though he knew Gilbert couldn 't hear him in his current state . He glided over to peer over Gilbert 's shoulder . Gilbert answered without looking up from his work . " It 'll help me monitor his systems , " he said . He grimaced and added , " Provided things work the way they should , that is . " He glanced over at his wife , then . " Is he still here , Maddie ? " " I 'm right here , " Taurys said , rolling his eyes . He chuckled when Madeline nodded . He knew that she could hear him , even if she couldn 't see him . " Is this the right thing to do ? " he said , his voice soft . " Gilbert thinks so , " she said , shrugging . Then , she smiled at her husband . " He 's nervous about the morality of the whole thing . " Gilbert shrugged . " He … You were murdered , Taurys , " he said , shrugging . " I 'm just trying to give you back what was taken from you . I don 't see how that can be wrong , but … it 's up to you . " Taurys nodded , even though neither of them would know that he had . " Thank you , Gilbert , " he said . " I 'll decide soon . " He smiled when Madeline relayed the message . Gilbert nodded once and then got back to work . He resisted the urge to roll his eyes or glare . The last thing he needed was another beating just then . Instead , he schooled his features into an impassive mask . With all eyes on the king and his uncle , Ilya was easily able to drop the jewel into the royal chalice . The young queen was seated beside her husband . As Ilya slipped back towards the door , she touched his hand and murmured into his ear . Whatever she was saying , it seemed to amuse him . However Lord Andrien felt at being treated like a cupbearer , he didn 't roll his eyes . Instead , he stalked over to the table near where Ilya had been standing . He poured wine into the chalice and then stepped back to the king . " Your majesty , " he said , as he bowed politely and handed the chalice over to him . Ilya 's breath caught in his throat as the young king took the chalice . The poison wouldn 't act too quickly . If they were all fortunate , they 'd think that whatever ailment took his father had claimed him as well . Unlike with his father , Ilya wasn 't at all surprised when he heard that the king was dead . What did surprise him was the news that Lord Andrien had been arrested for the death . He was beside himself . The last thing he 'd wanted was to implicate the boy 's uncle . There was to be a trial by combat , but Ilya couldn 't stay for that . He was meant to be leaving . At the same time , he felt compelled to set things right first . He arranged things so that he would be attending to Sir Georgi as the knight prepared himself on the day of the trial . Ilya heaved a sigh . " A crime like that , though … it would have happened in an instant of anger , " he said , his voice faint . " I heard … people were saying it was poison . That - that sounds like an assassination , not a crime of passion . " Sir Georgi nodded once and then strode out of the room without saying another word . Ilya heaved a sigh and then waited for a few moments . Then , he followed quickly . He paused long enough to collect his cloak and a bag that held his few belongings . Then , he turned his steps towards the stairs that would take him out through the exit closest to the town . Nearly everyone would be at the trial . Now was the perfect time to escape . He was nearly to the stairs when an older man stepped onto the landing in front of him . He blinked at Ilya for a moment . " Where are you off to ? " he asked . His eyes narrowed as he took in the cloak that Ilya wore and the bag on his shoulder . " Um … " Ilya said , blinking . He took a step back and shrugged . " Home , " he said . " I - I 'm n - needed at home , my lord . " " I 'll just bet you are , " the man said , a smile touching his lips . " Brother mentioned there was a spy . I think I 've found him and - and you killed the king , didn 't you , little one ? " Ilya 's eyes widened as a knife seemed to appear in the man 's hand . As he lunged at Ilya , Ilya sidestepped and caught the man 's wrist . In the blink of an eye , the fight was over . Ilya turned to face the man and swallowed the bile that rose in his throat . He was an undercover agent , not an assassin . He hated killing , but there was no doubt that the man was dead . Cursing , Ilya grabbed the body and dragged it into an alcove . " God , forgive me , " he breathed . " It was an accident . " Then , wiping away tears , he left the corpse and hurried down the steps . He didn 't stop running until he had reached the rendezvous point . He began pacing along the bank while he waited for Taurys . Until then , he 'd never killed anyone . Now , he 'd killed two men , one hardly more than a child . His mind went to his own child . He imagined it as a son , one with his mother 's dark looks . The boy would have been about ten years old - just a bit young than the young king . Bile rose again and he didn 't fight it this time . He bent over and retched . He nearly screamed when someone touched his arm . Then , he saw that it was Taurys . " I 'm not a very good assassin , " he admitted . " You 're not an assassin at all , " Taurys countered . Then , he beckoned Ilya towards a boat . " Let 's go , before you 're missed . " " They won 't miss me , " he said , as he followed Taurys . " They think Lord Andrien killed him . Everyone 's at the trial . " He looked out towards the horizon and saw the setting sun . " Actually , the trial 's probably over . He might be dead by now . " As they climbed into the boat , they heard alarm bells ringing . Taurys frowned . " A prisoner 's escaped , " he said , his voice soft . He looked at Ilya . " It seems he 's not dead after all . " Ilya sighed softly . He looked back towards the castle . " If he 's escaped , good , " he murmured . He couldn 't stand the thought of having more blood on his hands . " Snow Father protect him . " Ilya was humming to himself as he went to wake the king . Lord Andrien was living with the Northhunter family now . The king seemed pleased by the turn of events . Where Lord Andrien 's own family had always been cold , the Northhunters had welcomed him as a new member of their family . It might not heal all the bad blood between the two houses , but it was a start . At the moment , the Runecasters and Northhunters were visiting the royal court once again . Ilya had learned that such things were common . The king spent only part of the year at his own court . The rest of the year , he traveled to the courts of his nobles . Likewise , they spent their time divided between their own lands and the royal court . " Your majesty , " Ilya said , as he peered into the royal bedchamber . He froze when he saw the king . The man 's face was ashen . There was no doubt in his mind that he was dead . The question was : how ? He took a step back out of the room , just as the queen entered from another door . He was just tugging the door closed when she began screaming . For a moment , Ilya was torn between playing the role of dutiful servant and doing his true job . Finally , he decided and hurried down the hall to the service stairs . His steps carried him out of the castle and down to the town . He slowed as he reached the inn where Taurys waited for him . " The king 's dead , " he said without preamble . " I was told to keep an eye on the king and report his condition . There it is . " Ilya heaved a sigh and rubbed at his eyes . " His eldest son is a boy … about thirteen years old . The next son is all of eight , " he said , his voice soft . " There will be a regency , perhaps by the queen , perhaps by her father . " Nodding again , Taurys relayed the message again . His brows furrowed . " Petrov wants to meet you , " he said . He looked up at Ilya . " How long do you have before you 're missed ? " " How do I know ? " Ilya said , his voice strained . " I may already be missed . I was meant to be waking the king for breakfast ! " The young king was nothing like his father . The previous king had been a good ruler and a fair man . His son , for some reason , was a brat . Ilya stood , watching him in court as he teased some of the ladies of the court . He was a bully . He would taunt them - say cruel things to them and then laugh when they became upset . For their part , the women had no recourse . Anytime they tried to protest the treatment , the boy would tell them he was the king and could do as he pleased . One person did try to stand up to the little monster : his uncle . Lord Andrien scolded the boy for the bully he was and then scolded the knights for allowing the behavior . " Who do you think you are ? " Lord Andrien said . " I 'm the king , " the boy said , his voice cracking . Then , he smirked . " I don 't like your tone , Lord Andrien . Where is your respect for your liege ? " Lord Andrien bit off a bark of laughter . " Start acting like a king and you 'll be treated with the respect due one , " he snapped . Then , he gasped as a large knight plucked him off his feet by his cloak . Blinking , Ilya looked up to find that the boy 's gaze was locked on him . Inwardly , he cursed himself for a fool . He was so used to being treated as if he were invisible that he was glaring openly at the young king . " I … I apologize , your majesty , " he breathed , dropping his gaze . " I f - forgot myself . " A moment later , Ilya was stripped to his waist and leaning against a wall , while one of the knight beat him . His eyes were wide and he was shaking , but he was utterly silent . Petrov had beaten him often enough that he was certain the knight beating him now could see the scars that crossed his back . His master had one rule : you couldn 't make a sound . " Cry out , " Lord Andrien hissed at him . He had to repeat the command before Ilya could force himself to obey it . Then , it was if floodgates had been opened . He was sobbing by the time the knight beating him stopped . Shaking , Ilya struggled to his feet . He clutched his tunic to his chest as Lord Andrien guided him out of the room . " I … I 'm s - s - so s - s - s … " he trailed off and took a calming breath . Then , he tried again . " I 'm a fool , for b - bringing d - down his wrath like that . " " I 've never seen anyone take a beating like that before , " Lord Andrien said , frowning . He gave Ilya a sidelong glance . " You 're no stranger to such treatment . Are you ? " Flushing , Ilya shook his head . " The person who … has beaten me in the past doesn 't want me to show any weakness , " he murmured . " It 's very different from what the king wants . " " The king wants to flaunt his power , " Lord Andrien said , with a bitter laugh . " He can 't do that if you 're being stronger than him . " He heaved a sigh . " I pray that he will mellow once he 's got a wife to keep him in check . However , I fear for the girl at the same time . " The next time that Ilya was able to meet with Petrov , the man gave him new orders . Now , Ilya had his orders . He didn 't agree with them . In fact , he thought the entire thing was pointless . The kid was so horrible that he didn 't doubt his own people would take care of things , given enough time . He 'd tried to talk Director Petrov into changing the order - even rescinding it . However , that hadn 't been met well . So , there he was . It had been a week since the incident in the throne room . It had been two days since the wedding . It was time to strike . Ilya took a steadying breath and then peered into the chamber that belonged to the young king 's wife . He sighed in relief when he saw that there was no one in the room . He was a servant , so far as anyone at the court was concerned . Still , a male servant wouldn 't have any reason to be in a ladies ' chamber . Ilya slipped into the room and tugged the door closed behind him . Then , he padded across the room to the small box where she kept her jewelry . He didn 't know if she realized what the small purple jewels were . It was better for him if she knew . Then , when her lord husband died and she saw the jewel missing , she 'd try to get rid of the pendant and implicate herself in the murder . He found the necklace in a heartbeat . It was easy enough to pry one of the jewels loose . After all , the purpose of these sorts of necklaces was to be used just how he meant to use them . Once Ilya had what he wanted , he tucked the jewel into his belt and closed the case . He chewed his lip as he returned to the door . He set his head against the hardwood to listen . Hearing nothing , he eased the door opened just enough to see up the corridor . Then , he nodded and slipped back out of the room . Ilya heaved a soft sigh as he tugged the door shut . Then , he headed back towards the young king 's chambers . As he turned into one of the larger corridors a voice called out from behind him . " Ilija , my lord , " he said , his voice soft . He didn 't argue that the old man had , in fact , seen him on numerous occasions . Arguing was never a good idea . Instead , he spoke carefully , taking on the accent of the Northern Isles wasn 't easy when his emotions were running high . " Was there something you required ? " Ilya bowed and then straightened . " No trouble , my lord , " he said , giving the smaller man a wan smile . After bowing again , he hurried down the corridor towards the king 's chambers . Hopefully , he 'd be back before the little brat noticed he 'd gone . I 've written other parts in this , but I haven 't been able to post them . When they 're all finished , I 'll create a page that has all of them in order , so that they can be read in sequence . This section was written using the prompt , " Extreme " from the NaNoWriYe DreamWidth . Ilya was shaking slightly as he stepped up to Director Petrov 's office . He knew that the larger man was still cross with him for what had happened during the invasion . They 'd failed to take the Northern Isles by force . Valuable warships had been lost , their crews killed . Someone needed to pay for that and Ilya knew that Petrov blamed him . He tapped on the thick wooden surface and then closed his eyes , as he focused on calming himself . By the time that Petrov invited him into the office , he had managed to still his trembling . " You bade me to see you upon my arrival , sir , " Ilya said , bowing slightly . Swallowing thickly , Ilya nodded . He ducked his head , locking his gaze on the carpeted floor of the office . " I 'm very sorry for what happened with the - the naphtha , Director , " he said , his voice going high and thin . He shook his head . " I just … " he trailed off . There was no excuse for the failure . " I 'll do better , sir . " Ilya hesitated for a moment . Then , he closed his eyes and did as he 'd been ordered . He knew what was coming . He 'd known it would come eventually . When Petrov had realized the danger the ships were in , Ilya knew he 'd be blamed and this was the punishment . He set his hands on the smooth wood of Petrov 's desk before that order came . Then , he locked his gaze on the window . He bit his lip to keep from crying out in pain as Petrov meted out his punishment . By the time the director was satisfied , Ilya could taste blood in his mouth and tears were streaming down his cheeks . " Y - yes , sir , " Ilya rasped . He pulled on his shirt and jacket , ignoring the pain that flared across his chest as the fabric pressed against the welts on his back . " What - what will you do about the Northern Isles now , sir ? " " Taking them by force did not work , " Petrov said . He smiled . " We will try … other avenues . The queen regent is without a husband now . She must be … lonely . Yes ? " " As you say , sir , " Ilya said . Then , he bowed and hurried out of the room . He was moving so quickly that he nearly ran into Taurys . He cried out in pain when Taurys set a hand on his back to steady him . A moment later , he was pulling away . " I 'm fine . It 's fine , " he rasped . Taurys heaved a sigh . " You 're not , " he said , his voice soft . He sent a glare at the closed door of Petrov 's office . Then , he shook his head . " Whatever Petrov thinks , this isn 't your fault , Ilyas . " " We 're agents , not psychics , " Taurys snapped , his anger at Petrov flaring . " You can 't know things unless someone hints at them . You didn 't know about the fire until it was too late to tell the director . " " Petrov 's at fault , " Taurys breathed , shaking his head . " He rushed into that battle without giving us enough time to learn everything . Eight months is too long , he said . I say , if we wanted to succeed , he should have waited at least a year ! " Ilya shrugged a bit stiffly . " Don 't speak too loudly against Petrov , Taurys , " he said . He stepped away and headed towards the lobby . He needed to rest and recover his strength . " His anger … it comes in waves , yeah ? " Ilya held the pitcher of wine in silence as he listened to those around him speak about the feuds between various great houses . The Runecasters and the Northhunters seemed to have the most volatile relationship of the lot . Looking from the patriarch of one family to the patriarch of the other , Ilya could see why . The two men couldn 't be more different . The Lord of Runecaster was a hard man who seemed to only really love his eldest son . The daughter was useful tool , especially since he 'd married her off to the king . For the younger son , who Ilya had only heard about in whispers , he held nothing but contempt . From what Ilya had heard , the man was a dwarf . In Veligrad , such people were looked upon with something like reverence . The priests of the Sun God were always chosen from their ranks , because of the belief that the dwarfs of old , spirits of the earth , were the messengers of the Sun God . Here , they seemed to have entirely the opposite view . They saw anyone who was " deformed " as being under the punishment of their gods . Ilya stepped forward to pour some more wine for the Northhunter lord . He wondered what these people would think of Dr . Schneider . He was an albino and half - blind . However , Ilya had never seen anyone else give Dr . Alexandrova a run for her money . Clearly , he was brilliant to be able to talk circles around Veligrad 's top scientist . As Ilya stepped back , he considered the Lord of Northhunter . He was a gentle man with a clear love for all of his children . More than that , he was clearly not a worshipper of the four gods that Runecaster revered . Ilya 's mother had worshipped the Stormbringer , so he recognized the amulet that Northhunter wore the moment he saw it . Ilya shook the thoughts away . He was meant to be gathering intelligence , not wool . He focused again on the task at hand , mentally noting the types of weapons the lords mentioned : swords , axes , catapults … Their weapons were the ones used in Veligrad a century ago , or more . Ilya almost felt bad for them . They wouldn 't stand a chance against the military might of Veligrad and they wouldn 't know enough to call upon the League of Nations for assistance . Taurys sat in the corner of the tavern 's common room . The ale sat in front of him , barely touched . He could hardly believe that the people around him were drinking the stuff . There was grain floating in it ! You ate it , rather than drank it . He suppressed a shiver and glanced over at a man at a table nearby . When no one was looking , Taurys switched his mug for the near empty one in front of his neighbor . The man blinked in surprise at the full mug . However , he laughed and then began drinking with obvious pleasure . The person Taurys had been watching strode out of the tavern , then . Sighing in relief , Taurys pushed the stolen mug away and moved to his feet . " You 're not going to finish it ? " someone asked . " Be my guest , " Taurys said , shaking his head . Then , he slipped out of the common room . He spotted his quarry across the narrow street and moved to one side of the door . He leaned casually against the wall of the tavern . Anyone looking at him would , he hoped , think he 'd just stepped out for some air . Meanwhile , he listened closely to the hushed conversation happening several yards away . The young noble that Taurys had been watching frowned thoughtfully . " I think we can guess what it means , " he said . " What we need to find out is where they will make land . " He patted the nearest man on the arm and said , " Show me . " Taurys pushed away from the wall to head in the opposite direction . The diversion would work , of that he was certain . Word would reach the capitol that the ships were threatening the south and forces would be diverted there . It would take time , but it would leave the capitol unguarded and vulnerable . |
Saying for the day : I can 't do His will my way . - - - - - - - Lots of white rabbit sightings in Pigeon Falls today , some by tourists and one by a local . They all described the rabbit as being about two feet tall with a pink sweater and carrying a yellow duck . It winked at them and then hopped away and sort of disappeared . Most of the sightings were down by the train station . This is one mystery that begs for some solution . There can 't be a two foot high white rabbit in a pink sweater , let alone one carrying a duck . But then what accounts for the sightings ? Somebody suggested it is some sort of mass hysteria . Somebody else said it will turn out to have something to do with the Bubster . We can now rule out Mrs . Wilson McMorison III 's cat as it came home last night with six little kittens dragging along behind . That mystery at least is solved unless of course you want to find the father . Towner was practicing for the big dance tonight when the patch on his accordion let go . The hole now is so big there is no way to fix it without having a new bellows installed . Pastor Marvel was visiting when the bellows broke and he told Towner he could borrow his accordion for the night . I don 't think anybody even knew that the good Pastor had an accordion . It seems his mother made him take lessons when he was a kid when he really wanted to play the guitar . He can only play three songs , " On Top of Old Smokey " , " A Finnish Polka " . and " Away in a Manger " so he couldn 't play for a dance . Towner borrowed the accordion and will play tonight . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Had a good night last night until 4 : 00 , then I got a leg cramp . I stood up to clear it and the hose came off of the breathing machine and the alarm went off . Poor Betty jumped up , stumbled to the door and turned on the light . I think she thought something terrible was happening and on our anniversary . In the morning I ran trains and put some new metal wheels on some cars that had plastic ones . The new air mattress came and we blew it up and tested it . It has a special paposted by Dr . John at 4 : 54 PM Saying for the day : He who dies with the most toys is still dead . - - - - - - A tourist , Nellie Bronkson from Bullput Iowa , saw the white rabbit today . She swears it had on a pink sweater and was holding a duck . It was standing on the end of the station platform and it winked at her . But she turned to see if there was anybody else she could show it to and when she turned back it was gone . The white rabbit story was running its course but this fuels it up again . Now everyone will be looking for white rabbits . In a few days there will be T - shirts that say " I saw the white rabbit in Pigeon Falls . " And to go with them little white rabbit key holders . Our local merchants know a good thing when they see one or even when they don 't see but just hear about one . I suspect some Sunday Pastor Marvel will show up in a giant bunny suit . In a small town like Pigeon Falls a little goes a long way . There was almost no music for the dance tomorrow night as Towner Helto 's accordion sprung a leak and he couldn 't get any music out of it . Eino Jupola came to the rescue and super glued a patch on the bellows . Lets hope it holds for the dance . If worse comes to worse the guitar player and the drummer will have to do the best they can without him . The Old Timers musical group only has three members . It used to have six but two moved away and one died . They still do a good job for dances though . Well keep your eye open for that white rabbit and I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Good night last night . I spent all morning on the computer reworking the church web page so it would load faster when people go to it . I think the final product is considerably better than what I had before . Pennie sent her copy of Publisher 98 so now I have two copies , from famine to feast . Betty spent the morning cleaning and washing clothes . She went to the doctor in the afternoon and he pronounced her healthy . Our new rolling shelf to take trains to the layout came and we finally got it together . Betty went to the store to get some more craft items to make loads for the traposted by Dr . John at 4 : 47 PM Saying for the Day : " Kindness is like sugar , it makes life taste a little sweeter . " Carla Yerovi - - - - - - Pigeon Falls is getting ready for the big closing celebration . On Wednesday Pigeon Days comes to an end in a grand fashion . There will be family contests of one kind or another all day . In the evening the main street will be closed off and a big street dance will be held . The Old Timers musical group will provide the music and our Pigeon Queen will have the first dance with the Grand Pigeon . People are looking forward to the event . School started last Thursday in Pigeon Falls . Mrs . Hilary Henry had here fifth and sixth grade class write three line statements of what they liked or disliked about Pigeon Falls . Here are some of the things they wrote : Where else can you see a drunken moose on the main street . All the trains coming and going are fun to watch . We have the best parade in the country . I like pigeons and the pigeon statue . We have our own song , the Pigeon Song , co co co . There is nothing to do . I hate it . We might see a white rabbit in a pink sweater . Walking on the yellow brick road to the mill pond and swimming . Lots and lots of pasties . We have the best pasty makers . Pastor Marvel and his funny costumes makes you almost want to go to church . Family saunas at Jack 's Sauna . We are really clean . Great stories like the pasty eating bear . If I see a bear I 'll give him a pasty . Mrs . Hilary thinks they are pretty good answers . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night . In the morning I worked on the computer . Betty got up at 6 : 00 and took out the garbage . Went up to the church and found where the secretary was putting the pictures . Got a haircut to get ready for our anniversary , Betty has been after me for weeks . In the afternoon I put together a magazine rack for the bathroom . Betty cleaned house . I went back to working on the church web page . Its done and out on the web . Now I can start on our web page which is going to be greatly revised . Betty has gone to a bible study at the church . I need a brposted by Dr . John at 4 : 54 PM Saying for the day : And Peter took him , and began to rebuke him , saying , Be it far from thee , Lord : this shall never be unto thee . But he turned , and said unto Peter , Get thee behind me , Satan : thou art a stumbling - block unto me : for thou mindest not the things of God , but the things of men . Matthew 16 : 22 - 23 - - - - - - - - Jack from Jack 's Sauna , preached at Last Lutheran Church today . For a lay preacher he does a great job and he is short . He preached on things to do with a rock . Peter was the rock on which Jesus could build his Church but he was also the rock that causes people to stumble . We can either be building blocks in God 's Kingdom or we can be rocks that people stumble over trying to get there . Jack made it clear that the choice was ours . It was another dreary day at Pigeon Falls , dark and overcast , threatening to rain . People were still watching for the white rabbit in a pink sweater as well as Mrs . Wilson McMorison III 's cat . Neither one was spotted although a tourist said he might have seen the rabbit out by the edge of town as he was riding in on the train . When he got off he went and looked where he thought the rabbit was but there was no sign of any rabbit . Just a few days of Pigeon Falls , Pigeon Days left and then the town will return to normal . The number of tourists will decrease and there will be fewer passenger trains coming in . It will stay that way until deer season when the hunters begin to arrive . Perhaps one of the deer hunters wills see the white rabbit if it hasn 't been found by then . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Fairly good night last night . Worked on church web page all morning but I need the September calendar from the church to finish it . Betty went to church and served coffee after the guitar service . In the afternoon she washed clothes and I worked in the garage . I put up two new shelves and arranged the trains by type . Betty came and worked on her car loads . After watermelon I worked on the family web page but am far from finished . Well I need a breathing treatment . GBYA Saying for the Day : " Life 's most persistent and urgent question is , " What are you doing for others ? " " Martin Luther King , Jr . - - - - - - Mrs . Wilson McMorison III has everyone in Pigeon Falls talking today because she swears she saw a two foot high white rabbit standing on her back stairs . It had on a pink sweater and purple pants and was holding a little duck . It turned its head and looked right at her . That 's when she fainted . When she came to the rabbit was gone . One could dismiss the whole story and say she is just getting old and her mind is slipping but she makes perfect sense in everything else . They wanted Pastor Marvel to go and talk to her but he is away on vacation this week . Old Doc Jones did go and see her and he says that nothing is wrong with her . Some are saying she had too much elderberry wine for lunch but that 's not very likely . So we can add a white rabbit with a pink sweater to the growing lists of Pigeon Falls mysteries . Mrs . McMorison 's cat , by the way , has not returned . The story of the rabbit was told and retold and now even the tourists are looking to see a white rabbit with a pink sweater , no one has of course . The town funny man suggested it might have been the cat dressed up in a rabbit costume , still ashamed to come home . I 'm surprised he didn 't suggest it was the Bubster , kneeling down and using a hand puppet . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Had a pretty good night last night but I am still having indigestion . In the morning Betty baked a raspberry pie while I worked in the garage . I took a gondola that we couldn 't use on our layout because its hook and loop coupler was upside down and too high to hook in to our rolling stock . I cut off the end and glued an Aristo hook and loop coupler to the underside . It worked very well . Now I need to get metal wheels for it . Then we went shopping in Iron Mountain . I got two pair of pants . We got a bag of dirt for Betty 's flowers , some shelving , and a microwave dish for cooking corn on the cob . In the afternoon we went to church at United . It is alwayposted by Dr . John at 4 : 35 PM Saying for the day : Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability . Flower A . Newhouse - - - - - - It was a dull and dreary day in Pigeon Falls today . It was a day for mystery or confusion . The sign that disappeared from behind Wink 's Woods was found today . Some sharp eyed tourist saw it on the roof of the fire station as he rode by in the train . He thought it was odd that the fire station had a keep off sign on it 's roof and asked if people climbed up there a lot . Well the hook and ladder boys got it down and its back on the loading dock . The mystery continues , however , since no one seems to know how it left Wink 's and ended up on the fire station roof . It certainly didn 't go there on its own . Nobody can think of anyone who could climb to the top of the fire station without a ladder and as far as anyone knows there has been no ladder . So the mystery continues . Our local joker suggested it was taken by Mrs . Wilson Mcmorison III 's cat which still hasn 't returned . He says its so ashamed of itself that its in hiding . At least he didn 't suggest it was the Bubster person or a drunken Moose . The M & CL railroad has a new small boxcar that was built locally with a new super strength plastic . It is lighter and will cost less to haul . In addition its just the right size for those small but important loads that would look silly in a great big boxcar . Its possible this could be a new cottage industry for industry poor Pigeon Falls . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Had another bad night last night a lot of gas and indigestion . In the morning I worked in the garage putting metal wheels in place of the plastic ones that leave a residue on the track . Betty worked at cleaning up my breathing tubes . After lunch we went grocery shopping . In the afternoon we ran the LGB engine with 12 cars . It was fun to watch . I got stung , however while watching and it still hurts . Betty is painting new loads for the cars and enjoying doing that . I sorted screw drivers into type . Betty took pictures of the train and of the new | Saying for the day : A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked . Bernard Meltzer - - - - - - - It was a wild day in Pigeon Falls today as two drunken Moose came staggering through town . They knocked people down , scratched cars and broke a window at Wink 's Woods . People rushed to get out of the way and then followed after them to see what would happen . At the edge of town they stopped and staggered back in again . Now all the people who had been following were rushing again to get out of the way . The moose finally collapsed in front of the Fly Inn . Oscar Mantela who was coming out of the Fly Inn 's bar saw the drunken moose falling down in front of him and swore off liquor forever . He thought he was hallucinating . The DNR came and took the two moose away , I suppose to sober them up . The question then became how does a moose , a protected animal , end up drunk ? It took a lot of detective work but they think they have an answer . They followed the path of destruction out to the farm of Geo Maki . Here they found an old horse trough a quarter full of fermented apple juice . It seems Geo 's brother Bill had sent Geo several milk cans of apple juice in an unrefrigerated railcar . In the 90 degree temperature the juice fermented and became quiet strong . Geo decided it wasn 't good for anything so he poured it out into the old horse trough at the edge of the woods . He figured it would just evaporate and not pollute anything . The moose came along and drank deeply and then they started for town . One has to wonder if after the DNR sobers the moose up if they will come back looking for another drink . They could become the first mooseaholics . The potato judging ended today and the Melvin Jamson farm won again . That 's three years in a row for Melvin . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - - Bad night last night . Forgot to take my purple pill and had a lot of indigestion . This morning we finished the railroad car . It looks pretty good for a first try . I designed it and Betty made it o | Saying for the day : " I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence . " - Doug McLeod - - - - - - - Moe left today after having announced that everything including the Crippled Creek upper tunnel was passable . She 'll be back in a month to check everything again . The ladies at the Methodist Church will sure miss her pasty making talent and her pie making as well . The blueberry pie she made for the big celebration was one of the best they had for sale . Pastor Marvel is going on vacation this weekend and Jack , from Jack 's Sauna , will cover for him at all the services . Jack is a pretty good lay preacher and has a loud strong voice . It was such a nice day in Pigeon Falls that a good number of people went visiting . This always results in a barrage of rumors that quickly spread across the town . The latest rumor is that one of the animals Rodney gave away was bought by a collector for $ 300 . Because of the rumor some of Pigeon Falls good people have taken the little animal away from their children and placed them in plastic bags to keep them clean . Geo Maki said he was going to do that with the one that they brought home but the dog wouldn 't give it up . The dog thinks it belongs to him . Geo says that with his luck that would be the one worth $ 300 and by the time the dog finishes with it maybe $ . 10 . Geo isn 't unhappy though because he loves that dog and its really enjoying it . Geo never was one to take things too seriously . Our two mysteries continue and you can add to them a missing cat . Mrs . Wilson Mcmorison III 's cat has disappeared . She has offered a $ 10 reward for anyone that finds it and brings it back . The same fellow who suggested the Bubster took the sign now is saying the Bubster took the cat . I hope he is still joking . Well I 'll keep you informed - - - - - Good night last night only two interrupts to sleeping . In the morning I went out and got the trains running . There was a little trouble at first but then they settled in and ran very well . Betty went to Tops and while she was gone I put an | Saying for the day : " If God can work through me , he can work through anyone . " - St . Francis of Assisi - - - - - - - - - - It was another beautiful day in Pigeon Falls . A day for walking in the sunshine and eating Pretzels . The Pretzel man is doing so well he has decided to stay another week and so has the cotton candy man . The mystery of the sign continues without any solution in the foreseeable future . Now the town has two mysteries ; where is the sign and where is Fred Bubster . Someone even suggested that the Bubster had snuck into town and stole the sign but he was just kidding . we don 't know enough about the Bubster person to know if he would steal a sign . Mrs . Wilson Mcmorison III is still convinced he wanted to steal her money but she still doesn 't have a clue as to who he is . These are two mysteries that may never be solved and could even become the stuff that legends come from . They installed a new bumper at the end of the railroad track behind Wink 's Woods . It even has a light on it . That should make Moe happy . Moe , of course , is Morning Sun Rises Material , the state inspector , who has been shaking things up around Pigeon Falls . She still has not approved the Upper Tunnel at Crippled Creek but that should happen this week and then there will only be the pasties to keep her here . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Good night last night . Betty mad a blueberry pie this morning . We had it for super . Most of the day we worked in the garage on building a little freight car from scratch . We didn 't get it finished but all the parts are cut out and painted . At 4 : 00 we went to Snyder 's to get a prescription filled and we bought a few other things . Betty has gone to Bible study but it is lay lead and I just get in the way . Well I have to wait for her to come home before I can have a breathing treatment . Perhaps I 'll take a bath . GBYA posted by Dr . John at 4 : 55 PM Saying for the day : Insults should be written in the sand , and praises carved in stone . - - - - - - It was a beautiful day in Pigeon Falls today , summer has returned . Tourists were back out on the streets enjoying Pigeon Days . The pretzel wagon that came in for the parade stayed and was doing quite a business . It was just the right kind of a day for pretzels . It was also a day for mysteries . The keep off sign from the end of the loading dock behind Wink 's Woods disappeared . One moment it was there and the next it was gone . Now this is a big sign and you couldn 't hide it under your coat and walk away with it . It is taller than Tommy , the undertaker 's kid , who was , of course , the first suspect . But Tommy was away visiting some cousin or another and so he was not guilty . No one saw a truck or a car drive up near the place . The men who work there had taken a break from unloading a Coca - Cola freight car and when they came back the sign was gone . There was a full case of coke on the dock and not a bottle was touched so if it was a robbery it was a very selective one . But who would want a sign that says " Keep off ! Restricted area " ? It is simply a mystery . Of course its not the kind of thing you call in the FBI for and I don 't think our Constable is much good at mysteries . Everybody is looking and hoping it will just show up . Nellie Hokansen is still enjoying the position of Pigeon Queen . She got to ride in the parade in a special Pigeon Queen open car , reign over a horse pulling contest , be first to dance at the Pigeon Days Dance , and so much more . Her mother is so proud of her . This may very well be the highlight of her young life . She also gets to go on to try to become the UP queen . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Fairly good night last night except for the indigestion . In the morning we continued working in the garage . We clear coated the two houses Betty had finished so we could get them out on the layout . In the afternoon we put a new road on the lay out , past the gas station . This is the first road we built on the la | Saying for the day : You are the Messiah , the Son of the Living God . Simon Peter - - - - - It was cold in Pigeon Falls today , a reminder of how quick Upper Michigan weather changes . Yesterday they wore short sleeves and today jackets . The street crew was busy today picking up after the parade . They should be glad there were no horses in the parade . Down at Last Lutheran they tried something called a Polka Service they got from some church in Crystal Falls . I believe Pastor Marvel was almost dancing during the liturgy and some people danced down the aisle to communion . Pastor Marvel preached on the question " Who is your Messiah ? " He wanted people to move their dependence from false messiahs to Jesus , the only true Messiah . In the afternoon the big horse pulling contest was held out at Jupola 's field . Some of those horses could pull really big loads . They also produce a lot of fertilizer . This years winner was an old horse , named Moose , that belongs to Jon Bergal . Jon said that this was probably the last year he would enter him . Jon really loves that horse . Rodney McDonald packed up and left today but the big McDonald 's freight car got left behind . Rodney said he had a wonderful time and appreciated how well he was treated by the local people . He said he felt like a big movie star . His clown friends told him not to let it go to his head . The Sesame Street Band left as well on the same train . They also seemed to enjoy their stay in Pigeon Falls . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Very good night last night . Spent the morning trying to fix computer programs and finally got my printer working . Betty went to Church again as she had to serve cake at a baptism coffee . It was cold and dreary so after lunch she spent a couple of hours playing Nancy Drew . She finally caught that fish . Then we spent some time cleaning the garage and she worked on the one house we have left to put out . We both got very cold and came in . I worked on the computer and she went to the grocery store . I called Patrick but he wasn 't home . Well I need a breat | Saying for the Day : He who laughs last thinks slowest . - - - - - - It was a beautiful day in Pigeon Falls and Mayor South was so happy she almost turned a somersault on main street . Now that would have been something to see . Rodney McDonald led the parade followed by two of his clown friends . He handed out little stuffed animals which came in the boxcar . People acted as if they were getting a treasure . Behind the clowns was the Sesame Street Band which consisted of four members . How they could march , play instruments , and wear those heavy costumes is beyond me . They did a wonderful job / Next came a nurse and a fireman representing the service professions . Then , the Scottish bagpipe player , sounding like somebody had a cat by the tail , but everybody loved it . Then the Great Pigeon , in a car with a great pigeon in the rumble seat . Buddy East only hauls that old car out for this parade . Then there were various floats from one group or another including a big Winnie the Pooh in a dump truck . Santa Claus rode in the back of a truck with a case of huge Coca Cola bottles . People thought he might give out cans of Coke but he just waved . All in all it was an impressive parade for a small town like Pigeon Falls . The tourists who lined the sidewalks and sat on the benches the city put out for the day seemed to feel it was worth coming for , a touch of old America . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - I had a good night last night . In the morning Betty and I worked on creating a rail school bus . We bought a $ 6 . 00 Bus from Wal Mart and cut part of the bottom off . Then we installed a train motor we bought at the convention . Now we have a working rail school bus . It runs well as long as we don 't run it too fast at the curves . We added the gas station , two new lights , and the parade group to the layout . We rehung the Pigeon Falls banner . Then we added some extra shelves to the garage for the trains . Betty got the maill and there was a couple of CD 's from Chris with family pictures . Some of these we 'll post to the family web site at www . | : Saying for the day : Sometimes one must backup to go forward . - - - - - - Rodney McDonald came in today on a special train with a big McDonald 's freight car towed behind . People are wondering what 's in that car . I 'd bet that the costumes for the clowns and the Sesame street band are at least part of the load . It is parked at the loading dock behind Wink 's Woods . They caught Tommy , the undertaker 's son , trying to sneak a peek inside twice . He might just make it yet . The big thing in Pigeon Falls today wasn 't in Pigeon Falls it was over at Crippled Creek . They ran a special train out for the big fishing contest . There were people along the river all the way up to the Red Roof Cafe and beyond . The person with the longest fish and the person with the heaviest fish each got a $ 25 Savings Bond . Several people fell in and had to be fished out . Tommy , the well you know the rest , pulled one out and wanted credit for the heaviest catch of the day but the judges said it had to be a fish . Toivo Jupola , who knows that river like the back of his hand , caught the heaviest fish . A tourist named Henery Aukee caught the longest . It was a fun filled day for all . Preparations continued for the big parade tomorrow . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Good night last night . In the morning I worked on fixing the computer and caused new problems , several of my favorite programs won 't run . Betty and I added a gas pump and tires to the station and set up the figures for the parade . Then we went to Sagola to meet Dawn and Paul and Kevin and his family for lunch at the cafe . It was three days after Kevin 's birthday and we celebrated it . Dawn wrote a song and two of Todd 's kids sang it . Kevin was embarrassed . From Sagola we went shopping in Iron Mountain and spent too much . Coming home I discovered my new hearing aid had come . It is nice to be able to understand what Betty is saying and not have to keep saying Huh . My computer is still not back to normal but its getting better , I need a breathing treatment . GBYA Saying for the Day : " The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention . Duguet - - - - - - - It rained all day today in Pigeon Falls . People dressed in old time clothes are not as enjoyable when they are soaking wet and even less enjoyable if you are soaking wet as well . Wink 's Woods and the Fly Inn restaurant , bar and hotel were full of tourists getting out of the rain . M & CL railroad had to pull its open passenger cars and scrounge for some extra covered ones . They ended up using the passenger cars from the Thomas the Tank specialty train . Rain sure does complicate things . Mayor South is hoping there will be no rain on Saturday when the big Pigeon Day Parade is set to take place . She said that we wouldn 't want Rodeny McDonald to get his clown suit soaking wet . Speaking of Rodney , McDonald 's is sending a special railroad car in with him . People are saying that it will contain some things for Rodney to give away in the parade . Well have to wait until Saturday to find out . Coming with Rodney will be two fellow clowns and the Sesame Street Band . The committee has also arranged for a Scottish bagpipe player so it should be quiet a parade . Potato farmers have started bringing in their best potatoes for next weeks judging which will name the farmer of the year . There are four entries already . The first was from the Melvin Jamson farm . Melvin won last year and is looking to repeat . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night . Betty got up early to cook for a funeral . She left at 9 : 00 for the church and worked until 3 : 00 . I put metal wheels on more cars . The new Aristo engine had a disconnect and then went so fast it fell off of the curve , too far in for me to reach it . I had to wait until Betty came home and by then it was raining cats and dogs . She finally went and got the engine during a break in the rain . She was really tired from standing all morning at the funeral coffee . I painted the base to glue the figures to for the parade . Then I tried to find a fix for my computer problem with no luck . posted by Dr . John at 5 : 21 PM Saying for the day : " Power is the ability to do good things for others . " : Brooke Astor - - - - - - The big spouse carrying race was held today on the main street of Pigeon Falls . They set up an obstacle course consisting of four children 's wadding pools , two filled with water and two with mud . Two small hay bales they had to step over , six tires , and in the middle a ladder that went over a temporary wall and a ladder coming down the other side . You had to climb up one side carrying your spouse and down the other . They put air mattress on the sides in case somebody dropped a spouse and sure enough some did . There were twenty five couples entered . Which seems to say that I was wrong when I said people aren 't willing to carry their spouse anymore . Toivo Jupola and his wife Sarah ran up to the first pool when Toivo tripped and dropped her into the pool . She was so mad she screamed at him that he did that on purpose and pushed him into the pool . They quit the run and went away laughing . The crowd which lined the sidewalk enjoyed the entire incident and clapped for them . But they didn 't finish the race so they get no sweatshirt . The winner of this years race was Amelia Ann Heronbill who carried her husband around the course in a record time of ten minutes and thirteen seconds . She is the first women to win in the fifteen years of the race . She receives the T shirt that says " I carried my husband to the end " and sixteen frozen pasties . I hope they don 't thaw on the train . Amelia by the way had muscles enough to be on All Star Wrestling and had a puny little husband . Pigeon Falls is the only place that runs this race that lets either spouse do the carrying . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Good night last night . Every morning I spend and hour or so on the computer looking at my E - mail and checking my blog for comments as well as checking my children 's blogs . This morning Betty decided to use the hour she has to wait after her morning pill to play Nancy Drew . She is the point in the game when she has to sew a dress . All I heard oposted by Dr . John at 4 : 59 PM Saying for the day : The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism . Norman Vincent Peale - - - - - - Old time week continues in Pigeon Falls with many of the residents wearing clothes from 100 years ago . It is a wonderful sight to walk down main street and feel like you have been transported back to 1905 . Periwinkle over at Periwinkle Gas is wearing and old English costume and asking customers if they would like a spot of gas . He may look like 100 years ago but his gas prices are the prices of today . Mayor South has been asking tourists what they think of our pigeon statue . Mostly she has been getting very nice comments but one family from Green Bay gave her some surprising answers . The mother said " I would never have it in my yard . It is far too gaudy " The daughter said " I suppose you could climb on it but that would tire you out . " But the comment that really broke Mayor South up was from the four year old son , Luke , who said " I don 't like it there is too much pigeon poop on it " . One does wonder why the pigeons seem to target the statue erected in their honor . Mayor South reminded everyone that tomorrow is the traditional spouse carrying contest and they should get their entries in . It seems only five couples have registered and there are usually twenty or so . I guess in this age its every person for themselves and nobody wants to carry their spouse anymore . I could be wrong . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night until 4 : 30 in the morning when I got a leg cramp . I started out making a base for the gas station while Betty painted a new house she is finishing . Then Betty painted the base and I started on the new light poles for the town . In the middle of that my battery operated drill ran out of power so I set it to recharge . Betty painted the tops of the poles that hold up the garden railroad and that took all afternoon . I ran trains and changed some plastic wheels for metal ones . We don 't run plastic wheels anymore because they leave a residue . The trains rposted by Dr . John at 4 : 49 PM Saying for the day : You can tell a lot about a fellow 's character by his way of eating jelly beans . Ronald Reagan : - - - - - - It looked a bit like Little House on the Prairie in Pigeon Falls , today , as Old Time Week began . I don 't know where they find all those old clothes . Even Pastor Marvel was wearing tabs instead of a clerical collar , wow . Well Jon Bergal had his chance today . He told this story in the Liar 's Club contest , entitled , " When the Space Ship landed " . " It was some years ago , before our kids were born , when I was out working in the garden . Suddenly this large saucer shaped craft landed in my hayfield , behind the barn . Out of it came two beings . They looked sort of like people except their skin had a deep purplish tone and they had four arms . As they came toward me I could see they were carrying some kind of machine which I discovered translated from our language into theirs and from their language into ours . They told me they had come to find out about earth people . Well I welcomed them and told them that people in Pigeon Falls were downright friendly . I invited them in for supper . Donna had just mad some pasties and I explained to them that this was a popular local food . Each one of them ate two and a couple of cans of pop , Pepsi as I remember . The next thing that happened is they became violently ill . Apparently pasties don 't fit well into their digest system . Well you have never seen anything as horrible as two purple beings turning green . They pushed a button on the belt of one of them and two others came from the ship and helped them back . I kept saying , over and over , how sorry I was but they were too busy being sick to listen to me . The door on the saucer shut and I never saw them again . Now if you don 't believe me you can look in the back issues of " Pigeon Food " our weekly newspaper and you 'll find that at the time of this story there were many sightings of UFOs . For this story John got eight 10s and two nines . This gave him a score of 9 . 8 and he becomes the Liar 's Club Champion . He gets a T - shposted by Dr . John at 5 : 52 PM Saying for the Day : Galatians 3 : 11 But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God , it is evident : for , The just shall live by faith . - - - - Today was the day of Pigeon Falls pulpit exchange and Pastor Marvel ended up in the Methodist pulpit . He came dressed as an old time Methodist and started his sermon by introducing himself as John Wesley . This is an excerpt from that sermon : " I want to share with you the most astounding experience I had at a place called Aldersgate . I had been reading Martin Luther on how the just shall live by faith . Suddenly my heart was strangely warmed and I knew that I was saved not by my good deeds but by what Jesus did for me at the cross . Jesus was now as real to me as you are . My life as a Christian really began at that point . Now I know that Jesus died for me and all people . God wants to save all of us . He wants you to have the same experience I had . You need to put aside your depending on good works and put your faith in Jesus . Then you need day by day to live out of that new faith with holiness supplied by God through the action of the Holy Spirit . Jesus loves you and wants you for his own . " There was of course more to the sermon but this should give you an idea of what Captain , I mean Pastor , Marvel said . In the afternoon the entire town was invited to gather round the bandstand and sing hymns . They blocked off the street and quite a crowd showed up . Its wonderful what can happen in small towns . The only other thing on the agenda was the pie social at St . John 's Methodist Church . I tell you those Methodist ladies like to cook . They make great pies too . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - I had a rough night last night with lots of leg cramps . In the morning Betty and I went to the Methodist church to hear Jack Koivisto preach . It was a good sermon in which the good news of Jesus was clearly put forth in an interesting manner while being true to the text . When we came home Betty continued to work on the gas station for the train layout . I worked on the computer and added a posted by Dr . John at 5 : 01 PM Saying for the day : Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else . Will Rogers - - - - - - They picked the Pigeon Queen last night and the judges choice was a complete surprise . Everyone expected it would be one of three girls : Amelia Jupola , Francis South , or Stephanie Stir . The judges choose to interview five of the twenty girls whose names and information were submitted to them . The five included the expected three plus Emily East , the present Job 's Daughters Queen . But the fifth one was Nellie Hokansen . Her father had run off some years ago and her mother lived on welfare . Four of the girls had beautiful new dresses that looked like they had been purchased just for the occasion but Nellie had on a dress that probably came from St . Vincent De Paul . The other girls talked among themselves asking , loud enough for Nellie to hear , why they had invited trash like her to the interviews . This , however , upset Emily who went over and sat with Nellie and tried to make her feel comfortable . This got her some nasty looks from her friends . After the interviews the judges went into a back room and spent about an hour working out the winner . Emily East was named Pigeon Helper ( First Runner Up ) and then Nellie was named Pigeon Queen . You could have heard a pin drop in that place when the announcement was made . Sometimes justice and mercy prevail even without a Fairy Godmother . The yellow brick road race was run today . There were fifty runners . Winner was Thomas Already from New York . He said it was really hard running on bricks . Pat Linna came in third which is pretty good for a sort of old guy . His three boys were there cheering him on and I think they were disappointed he didn 't win . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Very good night last night , no leg cramps . Ran trains all morning with both the LGB and Lionel engines pulling the trains . They ran very well and there was very little trouble . Betty cut some of the siding for the garage and painted it red . She 'll finish it tomorrow . We had four people from Rhinelander posted by Dr . John at 5 : 30 PM Saying for the Day : People often need love the most when they deserve it the least . - - - - - Today more runners showed up for the Yellow Brick Road Race which takes place tomorrow . Runners included Pat Linna another old friend of Eino Jupola from school days . Pat always wanted to run in the race and tomorrow he has his chance . Today was Donna Bergal 's chance at the Lion 's Story telling championship . This is the story she told entitled " When my Pastor went to Jai " l : " Some years back , if you remember , we had a young Pastor who twice a year went with his wife by train to Marquette to go shopping . There they would rent a car and hit the biggest of stores . Before leaving he always took a lasix before he left because on long trips he tended to fill up with fluid . Well they had just gotten to the really big store when the lasix hit . Pastor told his wife to go ahead and shop and he would find a bathroom and then find her . Then he asked a clerk where the bathroom was and she told him that the men 's room was out of order and wouldn 't be fixed until the plumber came that afternoon . Well he really had to go so he went outside and ran over to the next door McDoinald 's which he knew had a restroom . Normally he didn 't go into fast food places but this was an emergency . He rushed in and straight to the rest room and then disaster struck again , his zipper stuck . Well someone was in the booth and he really had to go so he dropped his pants . Just at that moment the police officer who was in the booth , flushed , and came out . Seeing Pastor standing with his pants down in plain view of the door he decided he was some kind of pervert . He ordered Pastor to pull his pants up and put handcuffs on him , and took him to the patrol car . Then with sirens blazing he took him downtown to the police station . Here , the desk Sargent , lucky for Pastor , turned out to be an old friend of Pastor 's from college days . They had a good laugh over what had happened , reminisced a bit about college and then drove him back to the really big store . In the meantimeposted by Dr . John at 4 : 55 PM Saying for the day : Swallow pride / it 's non fattening . - - - - The variety show , last night , was as good as everyone had come to expect with just a few surprises . Mayor South 's husband forgot one of his lines and turned beet red . After all the chiding he did of Angela he will never live this down . She won 't let him . Vicki added a new verse to her Pigeons Return song and the audience loved it . They joined in the coo coo coos with real gusto . All in all it was a grand finish to this years variety show . Tonight they decided on the Pigeon Queen we 'll let you know how that comes out . The Liar 's Club story telling contest resumed today with ten judges instead of five . The first one of the three finalists , order drawn by lot , was Tom Ellingsen , Tommy 's father . This is his story entitled , " He sang him to life " . " It was many years ago when my friend Tom Kirpatrick had a massive heart attack and was taken to the big hospital in Marquatte , that was when Marquette had two hospitals , For several days he hovered between life and death and then it looked like death was going to win . The hospital called his children and told them their father was dying and if they wanted to see Tom one last time they should come immediately . His three sons , and two daughters were there within the next five hours . They sat in the room and Amanda , his youngest daughter held his hand . He opened his eyes and in a terribly week voice he said , " Could you sing for me one last time ? " So the five children joined together and sang the song the verses of which contain " But it stopped short Never to go again , When the old man died " . The nurses were aghast at the singing of such a song to a dying man but then something truly strange happened . Tom 's face began to glow as his color returned and he began to move from death to life . With each verse you could see he was gaining strength and by the end of the song he looked and acted like a new man . It was a first class miracle . It seems they sang him from death to life . Now if you don 't believe this story you caposted by Dr . John at 4 : 44 PM Saying for the day : When one door closes , another one opens . It 's the dark hallways that scare us . - - - - - Last night there was a big storm in Pigeon Falls and it knocked down one of the town 's two lights and took out electricity to the entire town and surrounding houses . Within an hour and with the storm still raging our town 's two electrical people had the power back on . I asked why they felt that had to go so fast and Tom Wignins , head electrician , said " You have obviously never faced an angry old lady who doesn 't want to miss her favorite TV program " . Today they got the street light back up . It was a quiet day today except for the non - campaigning of the Pigeon Queen candidates . By tradition one does not try to get selected Pigeon Queen but you couldn 't tell that from the actions of the candidates . Amelia Jupola , Toivo 's sixteen year old daughter was going around being extra nice to everyone , not her usual behavior . Francis South , Mayor South 's sixteen year old daughter , was crying on people 's shoulders about how hard it was growing up as the daughter of the Mayor . Stephanie Stir , Roger Stir 's sixteen year old daughter , was calling up all her Job daughters friends and suggesting they put in a good word for her with the judges . They were all doing a good job of not campaigning . Of course the judges tomorrow could pick someone else entirely but these three think they have the inside track because of who their parents are . Some runners have shown up early for the big race on Saturday . the original announcement had the date off by one day but it is Saturday . The Variety show was even better last night and you can 't get a ticket for tonight . The place is sold out . Some people are going back to see it for a third time . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Had a good night last night . This morning I got an early start at running trains and everything looked like it was going to work fine . Had one visitor in the morning and he enjoyed the trains and was impressed with the layout . Nobody came in the afternoon . Betty went to Toposted by Dr . John at 4 : 21 PM Saying for the day : . Coincidence is God 's work - when He chooses to remain anonymous . - - - - - Well last night was the big variety show . It was the best Pigeon Falls has produced in twenty years of variety shows . I know because everyone said so . Esther and Vicki sang old time songs and if there was a dry eye in the place when they finished I couldn 't find it . After their old time songs Vicki sang the Pigeons Return Song , When the pigeons return to pigeon falls , and got everyone to sing the coo , coo , coos . You would have thought the place was full of pigeons . Mayor South got all of her lines right and on time and her husband was much relieved . It was a very funny piece . People really sang the old time hymns with Rachel playing the organ and using songs provided by Last Lutheran Church . The act that stole the show was Toivo and Eino 's rendition of " Tuna Casserole " . Eino came on wearing a dress and a bonnet and acted out calling people to super . Then Eino brought in big casserole with chips on top . At the close they put on angel wings and halos as they mimicked going to heaven . It was wonderfully done and their singing was even better than usual . Tommy , the undertaker 's kid did his tap routine which was enjoyable but a little frightening because he carried a slingshot and kept pretending he was going to shoot it even as he tapped . There were other numbers , of course , but all in all it was $ 2 . 00 well spent . Today was a quiet day in Pigeon Falls and it rained . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Had a very good night last night possibly because I took a hot bath just before going to bed . Today I spent a lot of time on the computer as there was a huge storm in the morning . It ended just about the time Dawn and Paul came with rocks for the railroad . We went to lunch at Fob 's with them . Then we went to Iron River to get some patching cement only to find the bigAce hardware closed but the little hardware store in the mall had a tube of patching cement which I bought to finish the road . It worked well . I think . The storm took doposted by Dr . John at 4 : 39 PM Saying for the day : Life is to short / to miss today - - - - - - Well they had the last round of story telling today and three of the four were eliminated . Tom Ellingsen , the undertaker , made it into the last round with a story he called " The Man who wouldn 't stay dead . " Here is the story : " It was some years ago now when the phone rang and thehospital called me to pick up the body of Thomas Allwater who had died just a few minutes earlier . So I got the hearse out and drove to the hospital and picked up the body . No sooner than I had him in the prep - room than he sat up on the table and asked where he was . Well I don 't know who was more surprised , him or me . I called the hospital and had them send an ambulance . They came , picked up Thomas and took him back to the hospital . The next day they called and told me he had died again and would I come and get him . They assured me that this time two doctors had pronounced him dead . Well back I went . They loaded the body in the hearse and I headed for the funeral home . A few miles from the hospital I hit one of those potholes that we are famous for and Thomas sat up and again asked where he was . well I turned right around and took him back to the hospital where they put him back in the same room . This went on for six days . I would pick him up , somewhere along the drive he would sit up and I would take him back to the hospital . Finally I suggested to the hospital they send him to one of those big city hospitals . So they sent him by train to Rochester and the Mayo Clinic . As far as I know he is still alive . Now if you don 't believe me you can go out to the cemetery where you will find a stone for Thomas Allwater with the death date chiseled off . " For the story he got one 10 , three 9 's and an 8 . So he will meet Jon and Donna Bergal in the final round . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Fairly good night last night . In the morning I worked on a new roadway for the layout and Betty painted the poles that hold the layout together . She used a spray painter and it went fast . I ran out of patchingposted by Dr . John at 3 : 43 PM Saying for the day : For the law was given through Moses . Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ . John 1 : 17 - - - - - Well everyone knew it was going to happen , sooner or later . They were waiting ever since Tommy , the undertaker 's kid , started calling Pastor Marvel , Captain Marvel , after the old comic book character . Well today Pastor Marvel entered the pulpit dressed in a red jump suit with a big yellow lightning bolt on his chest and a white cape with yellow edging . He hollered ' Shazam " at the top of his lungs , and of course nothing happened . Then he pointed out that if he was really Captain Marvel he would have become Billy Batson the newspaper boy . " We Christians " , he continued , " don 't have any magic words that give us super powers and the God 's that supposedly gave Captain Marvel Power didn 't exist . But we do have power available to us that is as life changing as Shazam was for Billy . Our power comes from our relationship with Jesus . It comes by grace because the God of all power loves us . We can tap into that power through prayer and by reading the Bible where God speaks to us . " Of course there was more to the sermon than that but I don 't have room for all of it . This afternoon the rehearsals for tomorrow 's variety show continued . Angela South is still forgetting her lines and her husband is getting desperate . He is threatening to be sick tomorrow so he won 't have to be embarrassed . Tommy , keeps taping and his father said its driving him insane . Well tomorrow it will be all over . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Had a restless night last night , I have no idea why . In the morning I put the flower pictures on the church web page . The Ahlberg 's stopped by to look at the layout . Then Betty and I worked at putting the restaurant figures together for the red roof cafe . Then we put them out on the layout . We also added a pretzel wagon and a cotton candy wagon . We put new cars out on main street , added a fisherman or two to Crippled Creek . In the afternoon Betty and I took pictures of the pool and waterfall then added themposted by Dr . John at 4 : 50 PM Saying for the Day : " Wise sayings often fall on barren ground ; but a kind word is never thrown away . " Sir Arthur Helps - - - - - It was a busy day in Pigeon Falls , people were rehearsing for the local variety show coming up on Monday . Mayor South and her husband were working on an Abbot and Costello routine about baseball . Angela kept forgetting the punch lines which did not seem to please her husband . I think he is sorry they ever volunteered for the show . Toivo and Eino are going to sing the same song they sing every year , Tuna Casserole , which they got from the Garrison Keillor program on PBS . They sound like two alley cats with their tails tied together but the song carries the day . Tommy the undertaker 's son , is going to do a tap dance , though his father asked him not to . you could hear the sound of his taps coming from the funeral home . Esther Kivi and her daughter Vicki are dressing up in 1800 's costumes and singing some old time songs . It was good to hear them rehearsing . Rachel , the church organist at Last Lutheran Church is going to play some traditional church music on the theater organ for a sing along . It is shaping up to be a great program and I don 't think anybody will be disappointed . Of course while all this rehearsing was going on Art on the Yellow Brick Road continued . Eino 's friend sold all of his metal creations and has left . I don 't understand why anybody bought them but I guess I don 't understand art . The painting with the kid and the spaghetti got sold before I could buy it . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Good night last night but Betty turned the air conditioner on and I woke up chilled . In the morning I continued to clean the garage while Betty painted a mountain . The garage is beginning to shape up , another ten years and it will be done . We ran the old track cleaner but it didn 't seem to do much good . In the afternoon we watched the model train program on PBS . I went on the web and read Andrew Greely 's homily for this week . I sent a copy to the Bishop . I went and took pictures of the layout posted by Dr . John at 1 : 16 PM Saying for the Day : " The center of human nature is rooted in ten thousand ordinary acts of kindness that define our days . " : Stephen Jay Gould - - - - - Donna Bergal , Jon 's wife , was the first story teller today in the Liar 's Club contest . This is her story : " I suppose you have all seen a bear or two in your life and most of you I hope have eaten a pasty . If you haven 't eaten a pasty the Methodist ladies are selling them in front of the Methodist Church all day today . If you haven 't seen a bear stay around for a while and you will . Well this story is about bears and pasties or to be more exact about one bear and pasties . It all begins two or three years ago early one morning in the spring . I heard this noise on my back porch and I looked out the window and saw a big black bear looking very hungry . I looked around for something to feed him because I didn 't want him to eat the chickens or start on a cow . The only thing I could find was one of those extra big pasties that I was planning to have for supper . So I opened the door very carefully and put it down on the porch , then retreated inside . Sure enough he lumbered over and gulped down that pasty and then much to my surprise he seemed satisfied and wondered off into the woods . I figured he 'd have one bear size belly ache and wouldn 't come back again . I was wrong the next morning he was back on the porch and I gave him the last pasty from the refrigerator . That day I made some pasties for the Methodist ladies pasty sale , did I tell you that was today ? They were sitting on my table the next morning as I hadn 't had a chance to take them to the church . So when the bear showed up I gave him one of those . That afternoon I went down to Lundny 's pasty shop and bought two cartons of pasty seconds . These didn 't look so good but I figured the bear wouldn 't care . Every day after that the bear was at my door for his breakfast pasty . One day I was late getting up and I heard this knocking on my back door . I looked out the window and there was the bear standing on two legs and knocking . posted by Dr . John at 5 : 02 PM Saying for the Day : * The things that come to those who wait , may be the things left by those who got there first . - - - - - The Liar 's Club contest continued today but the stories were so bad that nobody got over a six , or else they just had a tough bunch of tourist judges . In any case I won 't share any of today 's stories with you . Art on the Yellow Brick Road continues today and there is some really wild art . Some friend of Eino , I think he runs a junk yard for a living , has welded all kinds of odd things together and is charging a good price for them . His creation called yesterday and today had a part of an old Ford radiator welded to a new Ford tailpipe for this he wants $ 200 . This is not art the way I remember it but tourists are buying and saying they got a bargain . Of course there are regular artists with pictures that you can understand . My favorite was a painting of a child in a high chair with a bowl of spaghetti on his head . It was entitled " Smile " . Tom Hautamaki was back with his tree carving . He had eagles and bears and I think a deer . All of them were carved from tree trunks , very impressive , very expensive . He was selling them for $ 500 to $ 600 apiece and they were selling . I don 't think he 'll have any left by Saturday . I prefer a $ 500 bear to a $ 200 radiator part but I 'm not buying either one . I just might buy the kid and the spaghetti . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Very good night last night following my long relaxing bath . This morning I worked at cleaning up the garage and putting things away , a job never done . I also canceled my Ancestory . com subscription and called about our Disney Card . Then Betty 's sister Susan came and we showed her and Bob the train layout . Ran a couple of trains for them . Then Betty showed off the new bathtub . Bob said it gave him some ideas . We went to lunch with Bob and Sue at Fob 's . Afterward they went golfing and we came home . In the afternoon I changed the couplers on the Thomas the Tank Engine and cars to hook and loop to end the disconnects . We then took it out to the traposted by Dr . John at 4 : 07 PM Saying for the Day : You can observe a lot by watching . Yogi Berra - - - - - - Well they set up for Art on the Yellow Brick Road today . Lots of artists and lots of different kinds of art from paintings to carvings . They will be exhibiting all week . The Liar 's club started their Pigeon Days story contest today . In the end it is designed to pick the best story teller in the Liar 's Club . The idea is to tell a story that could be true but at least it has to have the ring of truth . They seal off one side of main street and put up a little platform next to the bandstand for the story teller . Five tourists are selected to do the judging and they sit in the bandstand and hold up cards from 1 to 10 . The speaker needs to get an average of 9 points to go on to the next round . There are four speakers each day and no speaker can talk for more that ten minutes . Fifteen people have entered the contest . The first speaker was Jon Bergal , a local farmer . This is his story . " Have you noticed there are no railings at the front of the Post Office even though Federal regulations require them ? There used to be a beautiful railing there until Bullfrog Jupola came down with arthritis . The pain in his knees would get so bad when he was walking down town that he would grab those railings and twist and chew on them to dull the pain . As the pain got worse he chewed and twisted more and more . Finally when he passed away the railings were in such bad shape that town council had them cut off at the base and fully intended to replace them . Now if you don 't believe me go over to the Post Office and you will find the stubs in the sidewalk where the posts were cut off " . Jon Got two tens , two nines , and an eight . He will go on to the next round . The other three contestants for the day failed to get better than a seven . Well Fred Stir might have done better but he went over the ten minute limit by ten minutes . He just doesn 't know when to stop talking . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night . The garage door stuck open last night and some animposted by Dr . John at 4 : 08 PM Saying for the Day : * Resentments are like stray cats : if you don 't feed them , they 'll go away . - - - - - - Today was the big pasty eating contest in Pigeon Falls and the Methodist ladies turned out bright and early to make the pasties . There were 100 entries , lots of tourists tried to see how far they could stretch their stomach . After the first hour four hundred pasties had been eaten and we were down to 50 contestants and some of them looked a little green . Now these were not your little hand held bite size pasties ! No , these were full plate belly busters and how anyone could eat more than two is a mystery with no solution . After the next half hour we had ten contestants left and five of them looked pretty sickly . At the end of two hours there were two contestants left , Jon Bergal , a local farmer , and Joseph Horning , a pesky tourist . Both had eaten ten pasties . They each ate two more and Jon threw in the towel . Joseph ate one more just to show he was the king and from the looks of him he could have eaten another two or three . This is the first time a tourist has won the pasty eating contest and the locals vowed to do better next year . Jon said he probably shouldn 't of had that big breakfast before coming to the contest . In other local news , Mo struck again . She noticed there was nothing to stop the train from running off the end of the siding behind Wink 's Woods and she threatened to close it down and issue a citation if something wasn 't done quickly about it . Poor Dr . Fortress doesn 't have enough problems with the upper tunnel still closed but he said he would take care of it So Mo stayed to see that it was done and helped the Methodist ladies make pasties . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Very Good night last night . Had a relaxing bath and slept in my own bed . Today we started testing the running of trains and it was hot . A nice young man on a bicycle stopped and we talked trains for a bit . We had lots of derailments and disconnects but Betty and her little shovel fixed a lot of track and by days end they were ruposted by Dr . John at 4 : 52 PM Saying for the Day : A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on . Sir Winston Churchill - - - - Well the Pigeon Days celebration officially began today with the Pigeon calling contest . There were fifteen contestants . They had ten minutes each to call the pigeons to them at the Bandstand . They could use the loud speaker system if they wanted . There was a lot of cooing but the pigeons didn 't seem to notice . For a moment when Larry Jackson , who was home visiting his mother and only tried because and old school buddy dared him to , was calling a pigeon seemed to be flying in his direction . But the pigeon flew right over his head . So nobody won the $ 1000 again this year . The $ 20 prize for best call was given to Larry but our five judges were split on that decision . All in all it was a good beginning for Pigeon Days . The committee also announced that they have a Scottish bagpiper coming to play in the parade . Tommy , the undertakers kid , wanted to know if that 's one of those people whose instrument sounds like someone is pulling the cats tail . Well we 'll all find out when the parade comes . In other happenings the town council by a three to two vote decide to put in two new street lights . It seems some of the tourists complained about how dark it was on the end of the street . Local citizens have been complaining for years but it takes a tourist to get action . The M & CL railroad bought a new engine of which Dr . Fortress is very proud . He says it will improve passenger service considerably . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Had a good night 's sleep last night . The motel had very friendly people and very low rates . After breakfast we returned my nail gun which needed an air compressor and got an electric nail gun in its place . They were very friendly and helpful and there was no problem making the exchange . Then we went to Best Buy and got a new cartridge for the printer and Betty got a new Nancy Drew game . We went to Peter 's house and said goodbye to two of my grandkids , Laurie , and my dauposted by Dr . John at 4 : 27 PM Saying for the day : " If God be for us , who can be against us ? " - Romans 8 : 31 … . . The Pigeon StoryIn the beginning Pigeon Falls was called Potato Grove , since it was the potato crop that sustained the village . It provided both food to eat and food to sell . Farmers from Finland and Sweden had settled here and after moving tons of rocks began growing potatoes . For a few years everything went well . Then without warning a strange new bug appeared . No one knew where it came from but it attacked the potato plants with a vengeance . Pastor Helve Tillinen said it was God 's vengeance because the farmers were such bad givers and didn 't go to church much . He predicted the end of Potato Grove . The Pastor at the Methodist Church , Justin Cooper , said God wasn 't like that but urged people to pray for divine intervention . Just when things were at their darkest a the huge flock of pigeons swooped in and ate all the bugs , every last one of them . The crop was saved and the farmers decided that as a way of thanking the pigeons they would change the town 's name to Pigeon Falls and refrain from eating them . They also decided to raise money for a big pigeon statue to stand at the edge of town as a constant reminder of what the pigeons had done . . And so we continue to celebrate the start of Pigeon Falls . . This is the official story as it is engraved on the Pigeon Statue on main street . - - - - - Of course last night was bad , same motel , same matters . We got up a 5 : 30 so we could have the car packed and ready to go by 8 : 00 . Peter went on the hotel public computer and found us a route to Greater America without the road construction we went through on the way down . He did a great job . All three cars were packed and ready to go by 8 : 00 , no easy task with five kids . We arrived at the park at about 9 : 30 . My sister Chris and George met us at the park . It has been a long te since I last saw her so it was good to spend the day with her . Pennie and I rented electric wheel chairs . I would never have mad it through the day without it . It was hot . posted by Dr . John at 4 : 10 PM Saying for the day : " A baby is God 's opinion that the world should go on . " - Carl SandburgToday was the start of the annual Pigeon days celebration which runs through all of August , Mayor Angela South stood on the Town Hall steps and read the official proclamation from the town Council . It read as follows . … . . In as much as Pigeon Falls exists because of the good deeds of pigeons ; … . . And in as much as it is good to remember how we came to be ; … . . And in as much as the good deed happened in the month of August ; Therefore let us ; … . . . 1 . Set aside the month of August to be celebrated as Pigeon Days . … . . . 2 . Set August 20 as the day for the annual Pigeon Days parade . … . . . 3 . Be extra considerate of pigeons for the entire month . … . . . 4 . Pick a Pigeon Queen - contest to be held on August 17 at the Methodist Church . … . . . 5 . Learn the Pigeon story and be sure to tell it to all the tourists . … . . . 6 . Invite relatives and friends to visit Pigeon Falls during this period . Having finished reading the proclamation the Mayor tacked it to the door of the Town Hall for all to read . This is necessary because probably only three or four people stopped to hear her read it . In all fairness , to the good citizens , it is the same proclamation every year . Usually it is tacked next to the Pigeon Story , itself . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Well Friday night at the motel was really bad . The mattress was the worst I ever slept on . Saturday we went to the National Garden Railroad Convention at St . Charles , Illinois . It was truly great . I discovered that Garden Railroad people , in general , are helpful , polite , friendly , and always willing to share an idea or two . I got to talk to the man who puts out Large Scale on line , a very nice person . He was taking pictures so I didn 't take many because I know he will share his on the Large Scale website . We also discovered that at least one of the dealers is very honest . The dealer was the man who makes the figures called Just Plain Folk . We bought some figures from him and Betty gave him what she thposted by Dr . John at 3 : 32 PM |
Saying for the day : I can 't do His will my way . - - - - - - - Lots of white rabbit sightings in Pigeon Falls today , some by tourists and one by a local . They all described the rabbit as being about two feet tall with a pink sweater and carrying a yellow duck . It winked at them and then hopped away and sort of disappeared . Most of the sightings were down by the train station . This is one mystery that begs for some solution . There can 't be a two foot high white rabbit in a pink sweater , let alone one carrying a duck . But then what accounts for the sightings ? Somebody suggested it is some sort of mass hysteria . Somebody else said it will turn out to have something to do with the Bubster . We can now rule out Mrs . Wilson McMorison III 's cat as it came home last night with six little kittens dragging along behind . That mystery at least is solved unless of course you want to find the father . Towner was practicing for the big dance tonight when the patch on his accordion let go . The hole now is so big there is no way to fix it without having a new bellows installed . Pastor Marvel was visiting when the bellows broke and he told Towner he could borrow his accordion for the night . I don 't think anybody even knew that the good Pastor had an accordion . It seems his mother made him take lessons when he was a kid when he really wanted to play the guitar . He can only play three songs , " On Top of Old Smokey " , " A Finnish Polka " . and " Away in a Manger " so he couldn 't play for a dance . Towner borrowed the accordion and will play tonight . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Had a good night last night until 4 : 00 , then I got a leg cramp . I stood up to clear it and the hose came off of the breathing machine and the alarm went off . Poor Betty jumped up , stumbled to the door and turned on the light . I think she thought something terrible was happening and on our anniversary . In the morning I ran trains and put some new metal wheels on some cars that had plastic ones . The new air mattress came and we blew it up and tested it . It has a special paposted by Dr . John at 4 : 54 PM Saying for the day : He who dies with the most toys is still dead . - - - - - - A tourist , Nellie Bronkson from Bullput Iowa , saw the white rabbit today . She swears it had on a pink sweater and was holding a duck . It was standing on the end of the station platform and it winked at her . But she turned to see if there was anybody else she could show it to and when she turned back it was gone . The white rabbit story was running its course but this fuels it up again . Now everyone will be looking for white rabbits . In a few days there will be T - shirts that say " I saw the white rabbit in Pigeon Falls . " And to go with them little white rabbit key holders . Our local merchants know a good thing when they see one or even when they don 't see but just hear about one . I suspect some Sunday Pastor Marvel will show up in a giant bunny suit . In a small town like Pigeon Falls a little goes a long way . There was almost no music for the dance tomorrow night as Towner Helto 's accordion sprung a leak and he couldn 't get any music out of it . Eino Jupola came to the rescue and super glued a patch on the bellows . Lets hope it holds for the dance . If worse comes to worse the guitar player and the drummer will have to do the best they can without him . The Old Timers musical group only has three members . It used to have six but two moved away and one died . They still do a good job for dances though . Well keep your eye open for that white rabbit and I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Good night last night . I spent all morning on the computer reworking the church web page so it would load faster when people go to it . I think the final product is considerably better than what I had before . Pennie sent her copy of Publisher 98 so now I have two copies , from famine to feast . Betty spent the morning cleaning and washing clothes . She went to the doctor in the afternoon and he pronounced her healthy . Our new rolling shelf to take trains to the layout came and we finally got it together . Betty went to the store to get some more craft items to make loads for the traposted by Dr . John at 4 : 47 PM Saying for the Day : " Kindness is like sugar , it makes life taste a little sweeter . " Carla Yerovi - - - - - - Pigeon Falls is getting ready for the big closing celebration . On Wednesday Pigeon Days comes to an end in a grand fashion . There will be family contests of one kind or another all day . In the evening the main street will be closed off and a big street dance will be held . The Old Timers musical group will provide the music and our Pigeon Queen will have the first dance with the Grand Pigeon . People are looking forward to the event . School started last Thursday in Pigeon Falls . Mrs . Hilary Henry had here fifth and sixth grade class write three line statements of what they liked or disliked about Pigeon Falls . Here are some of the things they wrote : Where else can you see a drunken moose on the main street . All the trains coming and going are fun to watch . We have the best parade in the country . I like pigeons and the pigeon statue . We have our own song , the Pigeon Song , co co co . There is nothing to do . I hate it . We might see a white rabbit in a pink sweater . Walking on the yellow brick road to the mill pond and swimming . Lots and lots of pasties . We have the best pasty makers . Pastor Marvel and his funny costumes makes you almost want to go to church . Family saunas at Jack 's Sauna . We are really clean . Great stories like the pasty eating bear . If I see a bear I 'll give him a pasty . Mrs . Hilary thinks they are pretty good answers . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night . In the morning I worked on the computer . Betty got up at 6 : 00 and took out the garbage . Went up to the church and found where the secretary was putting the pictures . Got a haircut to get ready for our anniversary , Betty has been after me for weeks . In the afternoon I put together a magazine rack for the bathroom . Betty cleaned house . I went back to working on the church web page . Its done and out on the web . Now I can start on our web page which is going to be greatly revised . Betty has gone to a bible study at the church . I need a brposted by Dr . John at 4 : 54 PM Saying for the day : And Peter took him , and began to rebuke him , saying , Be it far from thee , Lord : this shall never be unto thee . But he turned , and said unto Peter , Get thee behind me , Satan : thou art a stumbling - block unto me : for thou mindest not the things of God , but the things of men . Matthew 16 : 22 - 23 - - - - - - - - Jack from Jack 's Sauna , preached at Last Lutheran Church today . For a lay preacher he does a great job and he is short . He preached on things to do with a rock . Peter was the rock on which Jesus could build his Church but he was also the rock that causes people to stumble . We can either be building blocks in God 's Kingdom or we can be rocks that people stumble over trying to get there . Jack made it clear that the choice was ours . It was another dreary day at Pigeon Falls , dark and overcast , threatening to rain . People were still watching for the white rabbit in a pink sweater as well as Mrs . Wilson McMorison III 's cat . Neither one was spotted although a tourist said he might have seen the rabbit out by the edge of town as he was riding in on the train . When he got off he went and looked where he thought the rabbit was but there was no sign of any rabbit . Just a few days of Pigeon Falls , Pigeon Days left and then the town will return to normal . The number of tourists will decrease and there will be fewer passenger trains coming in . It will stay that way until deer season when the hunters begin to arrive . Perhaps one of the deer hunters wills see the white rabbit if it hasn 't been found by then . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Fairly good night last night . Worked on church web page all morning but I need the September calendar from the church to finish it . Betty went to church and served coffee after the guitar service . In the afternoon she washed clothes and I worked in the garage . I put up two new shelves and arranged the trains by type . Betty came and worked on her car loads . After watermelon I worked on the family web page but am far from finished . Well I need a breathing treatment . GBYA Saying for the Day : " Life 's most persistent and urgent question is , " What are you doing for others ? " " Martin Luther King , Jr . - - - - - - Mrs . Wilson McMorison III has everyone in Pigeon Falls talking today because she swears she saw a two foot high white rabbit standing on her back stairs . It had on a pink sweater and purple pants and was holding a little duck . It turned its head and looked right at her . That 's when she fainted . When she came to the rabbit was gone . One could dismiss the whole story and say she is just getting old and her mind is slipping but she makes perfect sense in everything else . They wanted Pastor Marvel to go and talk to her but he is away on vacation this week . Old Doc Jones did go and see her and he says that nothing is wrong with her . Some are saying she had too much elderberry wine for lunch but that 's not very likely . So we can add a white rabbit with a pink sweater to the growing lists of Pigeon Falls mysteries . Mrs . McMorison 's cat , by the way , has not returned . The story of the rabbit was told and retold and now even the tourists are looking to see a white rabbit with a pink sweater , no one has of course . The town funny man suggested it might have been the cat dressed up in a rabbit costume , still ashamed to come home . I 'm surprised he didn 't suggest it was the Bubster , kneeling down and using a hand puppet . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Had a pretty good night last night but I am still having indigestion . In the morning Betty baked a raspberry pie while I worked in the garage . I took a gondola that we couldn 't use on our layout because its hook and loop coupler was upside down and too high to hook in to our rolling stock . I cut off the end and glued an Aristo hook and loop coupler to the underside . It worked very well . Now I need to get metal wheels for it . Then we went shopping in Iron Mountain . I got two pair of pants . We got a bag of dirt for Betty 's flowers , some shelving , and a microwave dish for cooking corn on the cob . In the afternoon we went to church at United . It is alwayposted by Dr . John at 4 : 35 PM Saying for the day : Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability . Flower A . Newhouse - - - - - - It was a dull and dreary day in Pigeon Falls today . It was a day for mystery or confusion . The sign that disappeared from behind Wink 's Woods was found today . Some sharp eyed tourist saw it on the roof of the fire station as he rode by in the train . He thought it was odd that the fire station had a keep off sign on it 's roof and asked if people climbed up there a lot . Well the hook and ladder boys got it down and its back on the loading dock . The mystery continues , however , since no one seems to know how it left Wink 's and ended up on the fire station roof . It certainly didn 't go there on its own . Nobody can think of anyone who could climb to the top of the fire station without a ladder and as far as anyone knows there has been no ladder . So the mystery continues . Our local joker suggested it was taken by Mrs . Wilson Mcmorison III 's cat which still hasn 't returned . He says its so ashamed of itself that its in hiding . At least he didn 't suggest it was the Bubster person or a drunken Moose . The M & CL railroad has a new small boxcar that was built locally with a new super strength plastic . It is lighter and will cost less to haul . In addition its just the right size for those small but important loads that would look silly in a great big boxcar . Its possible this could be a new cottage industry for industry poor Pigeon Falls . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Had another bad night last night a lot of gas and indigestion . In the morning I worked in the garage putting metal wheels in place of the plastic ones that leave a residue on the track . Betty worked at cleaning up my breathing tubes . After lunch we went grocery shopping . In the afternoon we ran the LGB engine with 12 cars . It was fun to watch . I got stung , however while watching and it still hurts . Betty is painting new loads for the cars and enjoying doing that . I sorted screw drivers into type . Betty took pictures of the train and of the new | Saying for the day : A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked . Bernard Meltzer - - - - - - - It was a wild day in Pigeon Falls today as two drunken Moose came staggering through town . They knocked people down , scratched cars and broke a window at Wink 's Woods . People rushed to get out of the way and then followed after them to see what would happen . At the edge of town they stopped and staggered back in again . Now all the people who had been following were rushing again to get out of the way . The moose finally collapsed in front of the Fly Inn . Oscar Mantela who was coming out of the Fly Inn 's bar saw the drunken moose falling down in front of him and swore off liquor forever . He thought he was hallucinating . The DNR came and took the two moose away , I suppose to sober them up . The question then became how does a moose , a protected animal , end up drunk ? It took a lot of detective work but they think they have an answer . They followed the path of destruction out to the farm of Geo Maki . Here they found an old horse trough a quarter full of fermented apple juice . It seems Geo 's brother Bill had sent Geo several milk cans of apple juice in an unrefrigerated railcar . In the 90 degree temperature the juice fermented and became quiet strong . Geo decided it wasn 't good for anything so he poured it out into the old horse trough at the edge of the woods . He figured it would just evaporate and not pollute anything . The moose came along and drank deeply and then they started for town . One has to wonder if after the DNR sobers the moose up if they will come back looking for another drink . They could become the first mooseaholics . The potato judging ended today and the Melvin Jamson farm won again . That 's three years in a row for Melvin . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - - Bad night last night . Forgot to take my purple pill and had a lot of indigestion . This morning we finished the railroad car . It looks pretty good for a first try . I designed it and Betty made it o | Saying for the day : " I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence . " - Doug McLeod - - - - - - - Moe left today after having announced that everything including the Crippled Creek upper tunnel was passable . She 'll be back in a month to check everything again . The ladies at the Methodist Church will sure miss her pasty making talent and her pie making as well . The blueberry pie she made for the big celebration was one of the best they had for sale . Pastor Marvel is going on vacation this weekend and Jack , from Jack 's Sauna , will cover for him at all the services . Jack is a pretty good lay preacher and has a loud strong voice . It was such a nice day in Pigeon Falls that a good number of people went visiting . This always results in a barrage of rumors that quickly spread across the town . The latest rumor is that one of the animals Rodney gave away was bought by a collector for $ 300 . Because of the rumor some of Pigeon Falls good people have taken the little animal away from their children and placed them in plastic bags to keep them clean . Geo Maki said he was going to do that with the one that they brought home but the dog wouldn 't give it up . The dog thinks it belongs to him . Geo says that with his luck that would be the one worth $ 300 and by the time the dog finishes with it maybe $ . 10 . Geo isn 't unhappy though because he loves that dog and its really enjoying it . Geo never was one to take things too seriously . Our two mysteries continue and you can add to them a missing cat . Mrs . Wilson Mcmorison III 's cat has disappeared . She has offered a $ 10 reward for anyone that finds it and brings it back . The same fellow who suggested the Bubster took the sign now is saying the Bubster took the cat . I hope he is still joking . Well I 'll keep you informed - - - - - Good night last night only two interrupts to sleeping . In the morning I went out and got the trains running . There was a little trouble at first but then they settled in and ran very well . Betty went to Tops and while she was gone I put an | Saying for the day : " If God can work through me , he can work through anyone . " - St . Francis of Assisi - - - - - - - - - - It was another beautiful day in Pigeon Falls . A day for walking in the sunshine and eating Pretzels . The Pretzel man is doing so well he has decided to stay another week and so has the cotton candy man . The mystery of the sign continues without any solution in the foreseeable future . Now the town has two mysteries ; where is the sign and where is Fred Bubster . Someone even suggested that the Bubster had snuck into town and stole the sign but he was just kidding . we don 't know enough about the Bubster person to know if he would steal a sign . Mrs . Wilson Mcmorison III is still convinced he wanted to steal her money but she still doesn 't have a clue as to who he is . These are two mysteries that may never be solved and could even become the stuff that legends come from . They installed a new bumper at the end of the railroad track behind Wink 's Woods . It even has a light on it . That should make Moe happy . Moe , of course , is Morning Sun Rises Material , the state inspector , who has been shaking things up around Pigeon Falls . She still has not approved the Upper Tunnel at Crippled Creek but that should happen this week and then there will only be the pasties to keep her here . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Good night last night . Betty mad a blueberry pie this morning . We had it for super . Most of the day we worked in the garage on building a little freight car from scratch . We didn 't get it finished but all the parts are cut out and painted . At 4 : 00 we went to Snyder 's to get a prescription filled and we bought a few other things . Betty has gone to Bible study but it is lay lead and I just get in the way . Well I have to wait for her to come home before I can have a breathing treatment . Perhaps I 'll take a bath . GBYA posted by Dr . John at 4 : 55 PM Saying for the day : Insults should be written in the sand , and praises carved in stone . - - - - - - It was a beautiful day in Pigeon Falls today , summer has returned . Tourists were back out on the streets enjoying Pigeon Days . The pretzel wagon that came in for the parade stayed and was doing quite a business . It was just the right kind of a day for pretzels . It was also a day for mysteries . The keep off sign from the end of the loading dock behind Wink 's Woods disappeared . One moment it was there and the next it was gone . Now this is a big sign and you couldn 't hide it under your coat and walk away with it . It is taller than Tommy , the undertaker 's kid , who was , of course , the first suspect . But Tommy was away visiting some cousin or another and so he was not guilty . No one saw a truck or a car drive up near the place . The men who work there had taken a break from unloading a Coca - Cola freight car and when they came back the sign was gone . There was a full case of coke on the dock and not a bottle was touched so if it was a robbery it was a very selective one . But who would want a sign that says " Keep off ! Restricted area " ? It is simply a mystery . Of course its not the kind of thing you call in the FBI for and I don 't think our Constable is much good at mysteries . Everybody is looking and hoping it will just show up . Nellie Hokansen is still enjoying the position of Pigeon Queen . She got to ride in the parade in a special Pigeon Queen open car , reign over a horse pulling contest , be first to dance at the Pigeon Days Dance , and so much more . Her mother is so proud of her . This may very well be the highlight of her young life . She also gets to go on to try to become the UP queen . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Fairly good night last night except for the indigestion . In the morning we continued working in the garage . We clear coated the two houses Betty had finished so we could get them out on the layout . In the afternoon we put a new road on the lay out , past the gas station . This is the first road we built on the la | Saying for the day : You are the Messiah , the Son of the Living God . Simon Peter - - - - - It was cold in Pigeon Falls today , a reminder of how quick Upper Michigan weather changes . Yesterday they wore short sleeves and today jackets . The street crew was busy today picking up after the parade . They should be glad there were no horses in the parade . Down at Last Lutheran they tried something called a Polka Service they got from some church in Crystal Falls . I believe Pastor Marvel was almost dancing during the liturgy and some people danced down the aisle to communion . Pastor Marvel preached on the question " Who is your Messiah ? " He wanted people to move their dependence from false messiahs to Jesus , the only true Messiah . In the afternoon the big horse pulling contest was held out at Jupola 's field . Some of those horses could pull really big loads . They also produce a lot of fertilizer . This years winner was an old horse , named Moose , that belongs to Jon Bergal . Jon said that this was probably the last year he would enter him . Jon really loves that horse . Rodney McDonald packed up and left today but the big McDonald 's freight car got left behind . Rodney said he had a wonderful time and appreciated how well he was treated by the local people . He said he felt like a big movie star . His clown friends told him not to let it go to his head . The Sesame Street Band left as well on the same train . They also seemed to enjoy their stay in Pigeon Falls . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Very good night last night . Spent the morning trying to fix computer programs and finally got my printer working . Betty went to Church again as she had to serve cake at a baptism coffee . It was cold and dreary so after lunch she spent a couple of hours playing Nancy Drew . She finally caught that fish . Then we spent some time cleaning the garage and she worked on the one house we have left to put out . We both got very cold and came in . I worked on the computer and she went to the grocery store . I called Patrick but he wasn 't home . Well I need a breat | Saying for the Day : He who laughs last thinks slowest . - - - - - - It was a beautiful day in Pigeon Falls and Mayor South was so happy she almost turned a somersault on main street . Now that would have been something to see . Rodney McDonald led the parade followed by two of his clown friends . He handed out little stuffed animals which came in the boxcar . People acted as if they were getting a treasure . Behind the clowns was the Sesame Street Band which consisted of four members . How they could march , play instruments , and wear those heavy costumes is beyond me . They did a wonderful job / Next came a nurse and a fireman representing the service professions . Then , the Scottish bagpipe player , sounding like somebody had a cat by the tail , but everybody loved it . Then the Great Pigeon , in a car with a great pigeon in the rumble seat . Buddy East only hauls that old car out for this parade . Then there were various floats from one group or another including a big Winnie the Pooh in a dump truck . Santa Claus rode in the back of a truck with a case of huge Coca Cola bottles . People thought he might give out cans of Coke but he just waved . All in all it was an impressive parade for a small town like Pigeon Falls . The tourists who lined the sidewalks and sat on the benches the city put out for the day seemed to feel it was worth coming for , a touch of old America . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - I had a good night last night . In the morning Betty and I worked on creating a rail school bus . We bought a $ 6 . 00 Bus from Wal Mart and cut part of the bottom off . Then we installed a train motor we bought at the convention . Now we have a working rail school bus . It runs well as long as we don 't run it too fast at the curves . We added the gas station , two new lights , and the parade group to the layout . We rehung the Pigeon Falls banner . Then we added some extra shelves to the garage for the trains . Betty got the maill and there was a couple of CD 's from Chris with family pictures . Some of these we 'll post to the family web site at www . | : Saying for the day : Sometimes one must backup to go forward . - - - - - - Rodney McDonald came in today on a special train with a big McDonald 's freight car towed behind . People are wondering what 's in that car . I 'd bet that the costumes for the clowns and the Sesame street band are at least part of the load . It is parked at the loading dock behind Wink 's Woods . They caught Tommy , the undertaker 's son , trying to sneak a peek inside twice . He might just make it yet . The big thing in Pigeon Falls today wasn 't in Pigeon Falls it was over at Crippled Creek . They ran a special train out for the big fishing contest . There were people along the river all the way up to the Red Roof Cafe and beyond . The person with the longest fish and the person with the heaviest fish each got a $ 25 Savings Bond . Several people fell in and had to be fished out . Tommy , the well you know the rest , pulled one out and wanted credit for the heaviest catch of the day but the judges said it had to be a fish . Toivo Jupola , who knows that river like the back of his hand , caught the heaviest fish . A tourist named Henery Aukee caught the longest . It was a fun filled day for all . Preparations continued for the big parade tomorrow . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Good night last night . In the morning I worked on fixing the computer and caused new problems , several of my favorite programs won 't run . Betty and I added a gas pump and tires to the station and set up the figures for the parade . Then we went to Sagola to meet Dawn and Paul and Kevin and his family for lunch at the cafe . It was three days after Kevin 's birthday and we celebrated it . Dawn wrote a song and two of Todd 's kids sang it . Kevin was embarrassed . From Sagola we went shopping in Iron Mountain and spent too much . Coming home I discovered my new hearing aid had come . It is nice to be able to understand what Betty is saying and not have to keep saying Huh . My computer is still not back to normal but its getting better , I need a breathing treatment . GBYA Saying for the Day : " The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention . Duguet - - - - - - - It rained all day today in Pigeon Falls . People dressed in old time clothes are not as enjoyable when they are soaking wet and even less enjoyable if you are soaking wet as well . Wink 's Woods and the Fly Inn restaurant , bar and hotel were full of tourists getting out of the rain . M & CL railroad had to pull its open passenger cars and scrounge for some extra covered ones . They ended up using the passenger cars from the Thomas the Tank specialty train . Rain sure does complicate things . Mayor South is hoping there will be no rain on Saturday when the big Pigeon Day Parade is set to take place . She said that we wouldn 't want Rodeny McDonald to get his clown suit soaking wet . Speaking of Rodney , McDonald 's is sending a special railroad car in with him . People are saying that it will contain some things for Rodney to give away in the parade . Well have to wait until Saturday to find out . Coming with Rodney will be two fellow clowns and the Sesame Street Band . The committee has also arranged for a Scottish bagpipe player so it should be quiet a parade . Potato farmers have started bringing in their best potatoes for next weeks judging which will name the farmer of the year . There are four entries already . The first was from the Melvin Jamson farm . Melvin won last year and is looking to repeat . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night . Betty got up early to cook for a funeral . She left at 9 : 00 for the church and worked until 3 : 00 . I put metal wheels on more cars . The new Aristo engine had a disconnect and then went so fast it fell off of the curve , too far in for me to reach it . I had to wait until Betty came home and by then it was raining cats and dogs . She finally went and got the engine during a break in the rain . She was really tired from standing all morning at the funeral coffee . I painted the base to glue the figures to for the parade . Then I tried to find a fix for my computer problem with no luck . posted by Dr . John at 5 : 21 PM Saying for the day : " Power is the ability to do good things for others . " : Brooke Astor - - - - - - The big spouse carrying race was held today on the main street of Pigeon Falls . They set up an obstacle course consisting of four children 's wadding pools , two filled with water and two with mud . Two small hay bales they had to step over , six tires , and in the middle a ladder that went over a temporary wall and a ladder coming down the other side . You had to climb up one side carrying your spouse and down the other . They put air mattress on the sides in case somebody dropped a spouse and sure enough some did . There were twenty five couples entered . Which seems to say that I was wrong when I said people aren 't willing to carry their spouse anymore . Toivo Jupola and his wife Sarah ran up to the first pool when Toivo tripped and dropped her into the pool . She was so mad she screamed at him that he did that on purpose and pushed him into the pool . They quit the run and went away laughing . The crowd which lined the sidewalk enjoyed the entire incident and clapped for them . But they didn 't finish the race so they get no sweatshirt . The winner of this years race was Amelia Ann Heronbill who carried her husband around the course in a record time of ten minutes and thirteen seconds . She is the first women to win in the fifteen years of the race . She receives the T shirt that says " I carried my husband to the end " and sixteen frozen pasties . I hope they don 't thaw on the train . Amelia by the way had muscles enough to be on All Star Wrestling and had a puny little husband . Pigeon Falls is the only place that runs this race that lets either spouse do the carrying . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Good night last night . Every morning I spend and hour or so on the computer looking at my E - mail and checking my blog for comments as well as checking my children 's blogs . This morning Betty decided to use the hour she has to wait after her morning pill to play Nancy Drew . She is the point in the game when she has to sew a dress . All I heard oposted by Dr . John at 4 : 59 PM Saying for the day : The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism . Norman Vincent Peale - - - - - - Old time week continues in Pigeon Falls with many of the residents wearing clothes from 100 years ago . It is a wonderful sight to walk down main street and feel like you have been transported back to 1905 . Periwinkle over at Periwinkle Gas is wearing and old English costume and asking customers if they would like a spot of gas . He may look like 100 years ago but his gas prices are the prices of today . Mayor South has been asking tourists what they think of our pigeon statue . Mostly she has been getting very nice comments but one family from Green Bay gave her some surprising answers . The mother said " I would never have it in my yard . It is far too gaudy " The daughter said " I suppose you could climb on it but that would tire you out . " But the comment that really broke Mayor South up was from the four year old son , Luke , who said " I don 't like it there is too much pigeon poop on it " . One does wonder why the pigeons seem to target the statue erected in their honor . Mayor South reminded everyone that tomorrow is the traditional spouse carrying contest and they should get their entries in . It seems only five couples have registered and there are usually twenty or so . I guess in this age its every person for themselves and nobody wants to carry their spouse anymore . I could be wrong . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night until 4 : 30 in the morning when I got a leg cramp . I started out making a base for the gas station while Betty painted a new house she is finishing . Then Betty painted the base and I started on the new light poles for the town . In the middle of that my battery operated drill ran out of power so I set it to recharge . Betty painted the tops of the poles that hold up the garden railroad and that took all afternoon . I ran trains and changed some plastic wheels for metal ones . We don 't run plastic wheels anymore because they leave a residue . The trains rposted by Dr . John at 4 : 49 PM Saying for the day : You can tell a lot about a fellow 's character by his way of eating jelly beans . Ronald Reagan : - - - - - - It looked a bit like Little House on the Prairie in Pigeon Falls , today , as Old Time Week began . I don 't know where they find all those old clothes . Even Pastor Marvel was wearing tabs instead of a clerical collar , wow . Well Jon Bergal had his chance today . He told this story in the Liar 's Club contest , entitled , " When the Space Ship landed " . " It was some years ago , before our kids were born , when I was out working in the garden . Suddenly this large saucer shaped craft landed in my hayfield , behind the barn . Out of it came two beings . They looked sort of like people except their skin had a deep purplish tone and they had four arms . As they came toward me I could see they were carrying some kind of machine which I discovered translated from our language into theirs and from their language into ours . They told me they had come to find out about earth people . Well I welcomed them and told them that people in Pigeon Falls were downright friendly . I invited them in for supper . Donna had just mad some pasties and I explained to them that this was a popular local food . Each one of them ate two and a couple of cans of pop , Pepsi as I remember . The next thing that happened is they became violently ill . Apparently pasties don 't fit well into their digest system . Well you have never seen anything as horrible as two purple beings turning green . They pushed a button on the belt of one of them and two others came from the ship and helped them back . I kept saying , over and over , how sorry I was but they were too busy being sick to listen to me . The door on the saucer shut and I never saw them again . Now if you don 't believe me you can look in the back issues of " Pigeon Food " our weekly newspaper and you 'll find that at the time of this story there were many sightings of UFOs . For this story John got eight 10s and two nines . This gave him a score of 9 . 8 and he becomes the Liar 's Club Champion . He gets a T - shposted by Dr . John at 5 : 52 PM Saying for the Day : Galatians 3 : 11 But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God , it is evident : for , The just shall live by faith . - - - - Today was the day of Pigeon Falls pulpit exchange and Pastor Marvel ended up in the Methodist pulpit . He came dressed as an old time Methodist and started his sermon by introducing himself as John Wesley . This is an excerpt from that sermon : " I want to share with you the most astounding experience I had at a place called Aldersgate . I had been reading Martin Luther on how the just shall live by faith . Suddenly my heart was strangely warmed and I knew that I was saved not by my good deeds but by what Jesus did for me at the cross . Jesus was now as real to me as you are . My life as a Christian really began at that point . Now I know that Jesus died for me and all people . God wants to save all of us . He wants you to have the same experience I had . You need to put aside your depending on good works and put your faith in Jesus . Then you need day by day to live out of that new faith with holiness supplied by God through the action of the Holy Spirit . Jesus loves you and wants you for his own . " There was of course more to the sermon but this should give you an idea of what Captain , I mean Pastor , Marvel said . In the afternoon the entire town was invited to gather round the bandstand and sing hymns . They blocked off the street and quite a crowd showed up . Its wonderful what can happen in small towns . The only other thing on the agenda was the pie social at St . John 's Methodist Church . I tell you those Methodist ladies like to cook . They make great pies too . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - I had a rough night last night with lots of leg cramps . In the morning Betty and I went to the Methodist church to hear Jack Koivisto preach . It was a good sermon in which the good news of Jesus was clearly put forth in an interesting manner while being true to the text . When we came home Betty continued to work on the gas station for the train layout . I worked on the computer and added a posted by Dr . John at 5 : 01 PM Saying for the day : Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else . Will Rogers - - - - - - They picked the Pigeon Queen last night and the judges choice was a complete surprise . Everyone expected it would be one of three girls : Amelia Jupola , Francis South , or Stephanie Stir . The judges choose to interview five of the twenty girls whose names and information were submitted to them . The five included the expected three plus Emily East , the present Job 's Daughters Queen . But the fifth one was Nellie Hokansen . Her father had run off some years ago and her mother lived on welfare . Four of the girls had beautiful new dresses that looked like they had been purchased just for the occasion but Nellie had on a dress that probably came from St . Vincent De Paul . The other girls talked among themselves asking , loud enough for Nellie to hear , why they had invited trash like her to the interviews . This , however , upset Emily who went over and sat with Nellie and tried to make her feel comfortable . This got her some nasty looks from her friends . After the interviews the judges went into a back room and spent about an hour working out the winner . Emily East was named Pigeon Helper ( First Runner Up ) and then Nellie was named Pigeon Queen . You could have heard a pin drop in that place when the announcement was made . Sometimes justice and mercy prevail even without a Fairy Godmother . The yellow brick road race was run today . There were fifty runners . Winner was Thomas Already from New York . He said it was really hard running on bricks . Pat Linna came in third which is pretty good for a sort of old guy . His three boys were there cheering him on and I think they were disappointed he didn 't win . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Very good night last night , no leg cramps . Ran trains all morning with both the LGB and Lionel engines pulling the trains . They ran very well and there was very little trouble . Betty cut some of the siding for the garage and painted it red . She 'll finish it tomorrow . We had four people from Rhinelander posted by Dr . John at 5 : 30 PM Saying for the Day : People often need love the most when they deserve it the least . - - - - - Today more runners showed up for the Yellow Brick Road Race which takes place tomorrow . Runners included Pat Linna another old friend of Eino Jupola from school days . Pat always wanted to run in the race and tomorrow he has his chance . Today was Donna Bergal 's chance at the Lion 's Story telling championship . This is the story she told entitled " When my Pastor went to Jai " l : " Some years back , if you remember , we had a young Pastor who twice a year went with his wife by train to Marquette to go shopping . There they would rent a car and hit the biggest of stores . Before leaving he always took a lasix before he left because on long trips he tended to fill up with fluid . Well they had just gotten to the really big store when the lasix hit . Pastor told his wife to go ahead and shop and he would find a bathroom and then find her . Then he asked a clerk where the bathroom was and she told him that the men 's room was out of order and wouldn 't be fixed until the plumber came that afternoon . Well he really had to go so he went outside and ran over to the next door McDoinald 's which he knew had a restroom . Normally he didn 't go into fast food places but this was an emergency . He rushed in and straight to the rest room and then disaster struck again , his zipper stuck . Well someone was in the booth and he really had to go so he dropped his pants . Just at that moment the police officer who was in the booth , flushed , and came out . Seeing Pastor standing with his pants down in plain view of the door he decided he was some kind of pervert . He ordered Pastor to pull his pants up and put handcuffs on him , and took him to the patrol car . Then with sirens blazing he took him downtown to the police station . Here , the desk Sargent , lucky for Pastor , turned out to be an old friend of Pastor 's from college days . They had a good laugh over what had happened , reminisced a bit about college and then drove him back to the really big store . In the meantimeposted by Dr . John at 4 : 55 PM Saying for the day : Swallow pride / it 's non fattening . - - - - The variety show , last night , was as good as everyone had come to expect with just a few surprises . Mayor South 's husband forgot one of his lines and turned beet red . After all the chiding he did of Angela he will never live this down . She won 't let him . Vicki added a new verse to her Pigeons Return song and the audience loved it . They joined in the coo coo coos with real gusto . All in all it was a grand finish to this years variety show . Tonight they decided on the Pigeon Queen we 'll let you know how that comes out . The Liar 's Club story telling contest resumed today with ten judges instead of five . The first one of the three finalists , order drawn by lot , was Tom Ellingsen , Tommy 's father . This is his story entitled , " He sang him to life " . " It was many years ago when my friend Tom Kirpatrick had a massive heart attack and was taken to the big hospital in Marquatte , that was when Marquette had two hospitals , For several days he hovered between life and death and then it looked like death was going to win . The hospital called his children and told them their father was dying and if they wanted to see Tom one last time they should come immediately . His three sons , and two daughters were there within the next five hours . They sat in the room and Amanda , his youngest daughter held his hand . He opened his eyes and in a terribly week voice he said , " Could you sing for me one last time ? " So the five children joined together and sang the song the verses of which contain " But it stopped short Never to go again , When the old man died " . The nurses were aghast at the singing of such a song to a dying man but then something truly strange happened . Tom 's face began to glow as his color returned and he began to move from death to life . With each verse you could see he was gaining strength and by the end of the song he looked and acted like a new man . It was a first class miracle . It seems they sang him from death to life . Now if you don 't believe this story you caposted by Dr . John at 4 : 44 PM Saying for the day : When one door closes , another one opens . It 's the dark hallways that scare us . - - - - - Last night there was a big storm in Pigeon Falls and it knocked down one of the town 's two lights and took out electricity to the entire town and surrounding houses . Within an hour and with the storm still raging our town 's two electrical people had the power back on . I asked why they felt that had to go so fast and Tom Wignins , head electrician , said " You have obviously never faced an angry old lady who doesn 't want to miss her favorite TV program " . Today they got the street light back up . It was a quiet day today except for the non - campaigning of the Pigeon Queen candidates . By tradition one does not try to get selected Pigeon Queen but you couldn 't tell that from the actions of the candidates . Amelia Jupola , Toivo 's sixteen year old daughter was going around being extra nice to everyone , not her usual behavior . Francis South , Mayor South 's sixteen year old daughter , was crying on people 's shoulders about how hard it was growing up as the daughter of the Mayor . Stephanie Stir , Roger Stir 's sixteen year old daughter , was calling up all her Job daughters friends and suggesting they put in a good word for her with the judges . They were all doing a good job of not campaigning . Of course the judges tomorrow could pick someone else entirely but these three think they have the inside track because of who their parents are . Some runners have shown up early for the big race on Saturday . the original announcement had the date off by one day but it is Saturday . The Variety show was even better last night and you can 't get a ticket for tonight . The place is sold out . Some people are going back to see it for a third time . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Had a good night last night . This morning I got an early start at running trains and everything looked like it was going to work fine . Had one visitor in the morning and he enjoyed the trains and was impressed with the layout . Nobody came in the afternoon . Betty went to Toposted by Dr . John at 4 : 21 PM Saying for the day : . Coincidence is God 's work - when He chooses to remain anonymous . - - - - - Well last night was the big variety show . It was the best Pigeon Falls has produced in twenty years of variety shows . I know because everyone said so . Esther and Vicki sang old time songs and if there was a dry eye in the place when they finished I couldn 't find it . After their old time songs Vicki sang the Pigeons Return Song , When the pigeons return to pigeon falls , and got everyone to sing the coo , coo , coos . You would have thought the place was full of pigeons . Mayor South got all of her lines right and on time and her husband was much relieved . It was a very funny piece . People really sang the old time hymns with Rachel playing the organ and using songs provided by Last Lutheran Church . The act that stole the show was Toivo and Eino 's rendition of " Tuna Casserole " . Eino came on wearing a dress and a bonnet and acted out calling people to super . Then Eino brought in big casserole with chips on top . At the close they put on angel wings and halos as they mimicked going to heaven . It was wonderfully done and their singing was even better than usual . Tommy , the undertaker 's kid did his tap routine which was enjoyable but a little frightening because he carried a slingshot and kept pretending he was going to shoot it even as he tapped . There were other numbers , of course , but all in all it was $ 2 . 00 well spent . Today was a quiet day in Pigeon Falls and it rained . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Had a very good night last night possibly because I took a hot bath just before going to bed . Today I spent a lot of time on the computer as there was a huge storm in the morning . It ended just about the time Dawn and Paul came with rocks for the railroad . We went to lunch at Fob 's with them . Then we went to Iron River to get some patching cement only to find the bigAce hardware closed but the little hardware store in the mall had a tube of patching cement which I bought to finish the road . It worked well . I think . The storm took doposted by Dr . John at 4 : 39 PM Saying for the day : Life is to short / to miss today - - - - - - Well they had the last round of story telling today and three of the four were eliminated . Tom Ellingsen , the undertaker , made it into the last round with a story he called " The Man who wouldn 't stay dead . " Here is the story : " It was some years ago now when the phone rang and thehospital called me to pick up the body of Thomas Allwater who had died just a few minutes earlier . So I got the hearse out and drove to the hospital and picked up the body . No sooner than I had him in the prep - room than he sat up on the table and asked where he was . Well I don 't know who was more surprised , him or me . I called the hospital and had them send an ambulance . They came , picked up Thomas and took him back to the hospital . The next day they called and told me he had died again and would I come and get him . They assured me that this time two doctors had pronounced him dead . Well back I went . They loaded the body in the hearse and I headed for the funeral home . A few miles from the hospital I hit one of those potholes that we are famous for and Thomas sat up and again asked where he was . well I turned right around and took him back to the hospital where they put him back in the same room . This went on for six days . I would pick him up , somewhere along the drive he would sit up and I would take him back to the hospital . Finally I suggested to the hospital they send him to one of those big city hospitals . So they sent him by train to Rochester and the Mayo Clinic . As far as I know he is still alive . Now if you don 't believe me you can go out to the cemetery where you will find a stone for Thomas Allwater with the death date chiseled off . " For the story he got one 10 , three 9 's and an 8 . So he will meet Jon and Donna Bergal in the final round . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Fairly good night last night . In the morning I worked on a new roadway for the layout and Betty painted the poles that hold the layout together . She used a spray painter and it went fast . I ran out of patchingposted by Dr . John at 3 : 43 PM Saying for the day : For the law was given through Moses . Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ . John 1 : 17 - - - - - Well everyone knew it was going to happen , sooner or later . They were waiting ever since Tommy , the undertaker 's kid , started calling Pastor Marvel , Captain Marvel , after the old comic book character . Well today Pastor Marvel entered the pulpit dressed in a red jump suit with a big yellow lightning bolt on his chest and a white cape with yellow edging . He hollered ' Shazam " at the top of his lungs , and of course nothing happened . Then he pointed out that if he was really Captain Marvel he would have become Billy Batson the newspaper boy . " We Christians " , he continued , " don 't have any magic words that give us super powers and the God 's that supposedly gave Captain Marvel Power didn 't exist . But we do have power available to us that is as life changing as Shazam was for Billy . Our power comes from our relationship with Jesus . It comes by grace because the God of all power loves us . We can tap into that power through prayer and by reading the Bible where God speaks to us . " Of course there was more to the sermon than that but I don 't have room for all of it . This afternoon the rehearsals for tomorrow 's variety show continued . Angela South is still forgetting her lines and her husband is getting desperate . He is threatening to be sick tomorrow so he won 't have to be embarrassed . Tommy , keeps taping and his father said its driving him insane . Well tomorrow it will be all over . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Had a restless night last night , I have no idea why . In the morning I put the flower pictures on the church web page . The Ahlberg 's stopped by to look at the layout . Then Betty and I worked at putting the restaurant figures together for the red roof cafe . Then we put them out on the layout . We also added a pretzel wagon and a cotton candy wagon . We put new cars out on main street , added a fisherman or two to Crippled Creek . In the afternoon Betty and I took pictures of the pool and waterfall then added themposted by Dr . John at 4 : 50 PM Saying for the Day : " Wise sayings often fall on barren ground ; but a kind word is never thrown away . " Sir Arthur Helps - - - - - It was a busy day in Pigeon Falls , people were rehearsing for the local variety show coming up on Monday . Mayor South and her husband were working on an Abbot and Costello routine about baseball . Angela kept forgetting the punch lines which did not seem to please her husband . I think he is sorry they ever volunteered for the show . Toivo and Eino are going to sing the same song they sing every year , Tuna Casserole , which they got from the Garrison Keillor program on PBS . They sound like two alley cats with their tails tied together but the song carries the day . Tommy the undertaker 's son , is going to do a tap dance , though his father asked him not to . you could hear the sound of his taps coming from the funeral home . Esther Kivi and her daughter Vicki are dressing up in 1800 's costumes and singing some old time songs . It was good to hear them rehearsing . Rachel , the church organist at Last Lutheran Church is going to play some traditional church music on the theater organ for a sing along . It is shaping up to be a great program and I don 't think anybody will be disappointed . Of course while all this rehearsing was going on Art on the Yellow Brick Road continued . Eino 's friend sold all of his metal creations and has left . I don 't understand why anybody bought them but I guess I don 't understand art . The painting with the kid and the spaghetti got sold before I could buy it . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Good night last night but Betty turned the air conditioner on and I woke up chilled . In the morning I continued to clean the garage while Betty painted a mountain . The garage is beginning to shape up , another ten years and it will be done . We ran the old track cleaner but it didn 't seem to do much good . In the afternoon we watched the model train program on PBS . I went on the web and read Andrew Greely 's homily for this week . I sent a copy to the Bishop . I went and took pictures of the layout posted by Dr . John at 1 : 16 PM Saying for the Day : " The center of human nature is rooted in ten thousand ordinary acts of kindness that define our days . " : Stephen Jay Gould - - - - - Donna Bergal , Jon 's wife , was the first story teller today in the Liar 's Club contest . This is her story : " I suppose you have all seen a bear or two in your life and most of you I hope have eaten a pasty . If you haven 't eaten a pasty the Methodist ladies are selling them in front of the Methodist Church all day today . If you haven 't seen a bear stay around for a while and you will . Well this story is about bears and pasties or to be more exact about one bear and pasties . It all begins two or three years ago early one morning in the spring . I heard this noise on my back porch and I looked out the window and saw a big black bear looking very hungry . I looked around for something to feed him because I didn 't want him to eat the chickens or start on a cow . The only thing I could find was one of those extra big pasties that I was planning to have for supper . So I opened the door very carefully and put it down on the porch , then retreated inside . Sure enough he lumbered over and gulped down that pasty and then much to my surprise he seemed satisfied and wondered off into the woods . I figured he 'd have one bear size belly ache and wouldn 't come back again . I was wrong the next morning he was back on the porch and I gave him the last pasty from the refrigerator . That day I made some pasties for the Methodist ladies pasty sale , did I tell you that was today ? They were sitting on my table the next morning as I hadn 't had a chance to take them to the church . So when the bear showed up I gave him one of those . That afternoon I went down to Lundny 's pasty shop and bought two cartons of pasty seconds . These didn 't look so good but I figured the bear wouldn 't care . Every day after that the bear was at my door for his breakfast pasty . One day I was late getting up and I heard this knocking on my back door . I looked out the window and there was the bear standing on two legs and knocking . posted by Dr . John at 5 : 02 PM Saying for the Day : * The things that come to those who wait , may be the things left by those who got there first . - - - - - The Liar 's Club contest continued today but the stories were so bad that nobody got over a six , or else they just had a tough bunch of tourist judges . In any case I won 't share any of today 's stories with you . Art on the Yellow Brick Road continues today and there is some really wild art . Some friend of Eino , I think he runs a junk yard for a living , has welded all kinds of odd things together and is charging a good price for them . His creation called yesterday and today had a part of an old Ford radiator welded to a new Ford tailpipe for this he wants $ 200 . This is not art the way I remember it but tourists are buying and saying they got a bargain . Of course there are regular artists with pictures that you can understand . My favorite was a painting of a child in a high chair with a bowl of spaghetti on his head . It was entitled " Smile " . Tom Hautamaki was back with his tree carving . He had eagles and bears and I think a deer . All of them were carved from tree trunks , very impressive , very expensive . He was selling them for $ 500 to $ 600 apiece and they were selling . I don 't think he 'll have any left by Saturday . I prefer a $ 500 bear to a $ 200 radiator part but I 'm not buying either one . I just might buy the kid and the spaghetti . I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - Very good night last night following my long relaxing bath . This morning I worked at cleaning up the garage and putting things away , a job never done . I also canceled my Ancestory . com subscription and called about our Disney Card . Then Betty 's sister Susan came and we showed her and Bob the train layout . Ran a couple of trains for them . Then Betty showed off the new bathtub . Bob said it gave him some ideas . We went to lunch with Bob and Sue at Fob 's . Afterward they went golfing and we came home . In the afternoon I changed the couplers on the Thomas the Tank Engine and cars to hook and loop to end the disconnects . We then took it out to the traposted by Dr . John at 4 : 07 PM Saying for the Day : You can observe a lot by watching . Yogi Berra - - - - - - Well they set up for Art on the Yellow Brick Road today . Lots of artists and lots of different kinds of art from paintings to carvings . They will be exhibiting all week . The Liar 's club started their Pigeon Days story contest today . In the end it is designed to pick the best story teller in the Liar 's Club . The idea is to tell a story that could be true but at least it has to have the ring of truth . They seal off one side of main street and put up a little platform next to the bandstand for the story teller . Five tourists are selected to do the judging and they sit in the bandstand and hold up cards from 1 to 10 . The speaker needs to get an average of 9 points to go on to the next round . There are four speakers each day and no speaker can talk for more that ten minutes . Fifteen people have entered the contest . The first speaker was Jon Bergal , a local farmer . This is his story . " Have you noticed there are no railings at the front of the Post Office even though Federal regulations require them ? There used to be a beautiful railing there until Bullfrog Jupola came down with arthritis . The pain in his knees would get so bad when he was walking down town that he would grab those railings and twist and chew on them to dull the pain . As the pain got worse he chewed and twisted more and more . Finally when he passed away the railings were in such bad shape that town council had them cut off at the base and fully intended to replace them . Now if you don 't believe me go over to the Post Office and you will find the stubs in the sidewalk where the posts were cut off " . Jon Got two tens , two nines , and an eight . He will go on to the next round . The other three contestants for the day failed to get better than a seven . Well Fred Stir might have done better but he went over the ten minute limit by ten minutes . He just doesn 't know when to stop talking . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Good night last night . The garage door stuck open last night and some animposted by Dr . John at 4 : 08 PM Saying for the Day : * Resentments are like stray cats : if you don 't feed them , they 'll go away . - - - - - - Today was the big pasty eating contest in Pigeon Falls and the Methodist ladies turned out bright and early to make the pasties . There were 100 entries , lots of tourists tried to see how far they could stretch their stomach . After the first hour four hundred pasties had been eaten and we were down to 50 contestants and some of them looked a little green . Now these were not your little hand held bite size pasties ! No , these were full plate belly busters and how anyone could eat more than two is a mystery with no solution . After the next half hour we had ten contestants left and five of them looked pretty sickly . At the end of two hours there were two contestants left , Jon Bergal , a local farmer , and Joseph Horning , a pesky tourist . Both had eaten ten pasties . They each ate two more and Jon threw in the towel . Joseph ate one more just to show he was the king and from the looks of him he could have eaten another two or three . This is the first time a tourist has won the pasty eating contest and the locals vowed to do better next year . Jon said he probably shouldn 't of had that big breakfast before coming to the contest . In other local news , Mo struck again . She noticed there was nothing to stop the train from running off the end of the siding behind Wink 's Woods and she threatened to close it down and issue a citation if something wasn 't done quickly about it . Poor Dr . Fortress doesn 't have enough problems with the upper tunnel still closed but he said he would take care of it So Mo stayed to see that it was done and helped the Methodist ladies make pasties . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Very Good night last night . Had a relaxing bath and slept in my own bed . Today we started testing the running of trains and it was hot . A nice young man on a bicycle stopped and we talked trains for a bit . We had lots of derailments and disconnects but Betty and her little shovel fixed a lot of track and by days end they were ruposted by Dr . John at 4 : 52 PM Saying for the Day : A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on . Sir Winston Churchill - - - - Well the Pigeon Days celebration officially began today with the Pigeon calling contest . There were fifteen contestants . They had ten minutes each to call the pigeons to them at the Bandstand . They could use the loud speaker system if they wanted . There was a lot of cooing but the pigeons didn 't seem to notice . For a moment when Larry Jackson , who was home visiting his mother and only tried because and old school buddy dared him to , was calling a pigeon seemed to be flying in his direction . But the pigeon flew right over his head . So nobody won the $ 1000 again this year . The $ 20 prize for best call was given to Larry but our five judges were split on that decision . All in all it was a good beginning for Pigeon Days . The committee also announced that they have a Scottish bagpiper coming to play in the parade . Tommy , the undertakers kid , wanted to know if that 's one of those people whose instrument sounds like someone is pulling the cats tail . Well we 'll all find out when the parade comes . In other happenings the town council by a three to two vote decide to put in two new street lights . It seems some of the tourists complained about how dark it was on the end of the street . Local citizens have been complaining for years but it takes a tourist to get action . The M & CL railroad bought a new engine of which Dr . Fortress is very proud . He says it will improve passenger service considerably . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - Had a good night 's sleep last night . The motel had very friendly people and very low rates . After breakfast we returned my nail gun which needed an air compressor and got an electric nail gun in its place . They were very friendly and helpful and there was no problem making the exchange . Then we went to Best Buy and got a new cartridge for the printer and Betty got a new Nancy Drew game . We went to Peter 's house and said goodbye to two of my grandkids , Laurie , and my dauposted by Dr . John at 4 : 27 PM Saying for the day : " If God be for us , who can be against us ? " - Romans 8 : 31 … . . The Pigeon StoryIn the beginning Pigeon Falls was called Potato Grove , since it was the potato crop that sustained the village . It provided both food to eat and food to sell . Farmers from Finland and Sweden had settled here and after moving tons of rocks began growing potatoes . For a few years everything went well . Then without warning a strange new bug appeared . No one knew where it came from but it attacked the potato plants with a vengeance . Pastor Helve Tillinen said it was God 's vengeance because the farmers were such bad givers and didn 't go to church much . He predicted the end of Potato Grove . The Pastor at the Methodist Church , Justin Cooper , said God wasn 't like that but urged people to pray for divine intervention . Just when things were at their darkest a the huge flock of pigeons swooped in and ate all the bugs , every last one of them . The crop was saved and the farmers decided that as a way of thanking the pigeons they would change the town 's name to Pigeon Falls and refrain from eating them . They also decided to raise money for a big pigeon statue to stand at the edge of town as a constant reminder of what the pigeons had done . . And so we continue to celebrate the start of Pigeon Falls . . This is the official story as it is engraved on the Pigeon Statue on main street . - - - - - Of course last night was bad , same motel , same matters . We got up a 5 : 30 so we could have the car packed and ready to go by 8 : 00 . Peter went on the hotel public computer and found us a route to Greater America without the road construction we went through on the way down . He did a great job . All three cars were packed and ready to go by 8 : 00 , no easy task with five kids . We arrived at the park at about 9 : 30 . My sister Chris and George met us at the park . It has been a long te since I last saw her so it was good to spend the day with her . Pennie and I rented electric wheel chairs . I would never have mad it through the day without it . It was hot . posted by Dr . John at 4 : 10 PM Saying for the day : " A baby is God 's opinion that the world should go on . " - Carl SandburgToday was the start of the annual Pigeon days celebration which runs through all of August , Mayor Angela South stood on the Town Hall steps and read the official proclamation from the town Council . It read as follows . … . . In as much as Pigeon Falls exists because of the good deeds of pigeons ; … . . And in as much as it is good to remember how we came to be ; … . . And in as much as the good deed happened in the month of August ; Therefore let us ; … . . . 1 . Set aside the month of August to be celebrated as Pigeon Days . … . . . 2 . Set August 20 as the day for the annual Pigeon Days parade . … . . . 3 . Be extra considerate of pigeons for the entire month . … . . . 4 . Pick a Pigeon Queen - contest to be held on August 17 at the Methodist Church . … . . . 5 . Learn the Pigeon story and be sure to tell it to all the tourists . … . . . 6 . Invite relatives and friends to visit Pigeon Falls during this period . Having finished reading the proclamation the Mayor tacked it to the door of the Town Hall for all to read . This is necessary because probably only three or four people stopped to hear her read it . In all fairness , to the good citizens , it is the same proclamation every year . Usually it is tacked next to the Pigeon Story , itself . Well I 'll keep you informed . - - - - - - Well Friday night at the motel was really bad . The mattress was the worst I ever slept on . Saturday we went to the National Garden Railroad Convention at St . Charles , Illinois . It was truly great . I discovered that Garden Railroad people , in general , are helpful , polite , friendly , and always willing to share an idea or two . I got to talk to the man who puts out Large Scale on line , a very nice person . He was taking pictures so I didn 't take many because I know he will share his on the Large Scale website . We also discovered that at least one of the dealers is very honest . The dealer was the man who makes the figures called Just Plain Folk . We bought some figures from him and Betty gave him what she thposted by Dr . John at 3 : 32 PM |
When a December Nor ' easter roars up the eastern seaboard , Jewell Cove cop Todd Ricker spends his day off being a Good Samaritan to stranded holiday travelers . But when the roads close and Todd can 't make his way home , he discovers that the Evergreen Inn is full up . Until another Good Samaritan opens her doors and offers him a place to stay … Lainey Price is not looking forward to Christmas , but just because she 's not filled with the holiday spirit doesn 't mean she 's going to turn Todd out into the stormy night . Even if it means offering the handsome police officer the couch in her tiny cottage . But when the weather takes a turn for the worse , the two are snowed in for a wintry evening by the fire . With Christmas only a few days away , can Todd convince Lainey to open her heart to the season … and love ? " The romance is charming and believable , the secondary characters always delightful . This is one that will warm up that special Christmas reading spot for you this year and many years to come . " - Keeper Bookshelf Todd Ricker felt the back end of his SUV slide as he took the turn at barely more than a crawl . He was heading north toward Jewell Cove , a hot meal , and a warm bed . Goddamn if this wasn 't the worst nor ' easter they 'd seen in years , with crazy high winds that took the heavy snowfall and whipped it around so you could hardly see . He had his four - way flashers on , and his headlights slashed through the snow , but it was getting harder and harder to see where the road met the ditch - and if he wasn 't careful he was going to be in it . He might be off duty right now , but he 'd gone into the station anyway , volunteering to help . The SUV skidded a little and he eased off the gas , slowing to barely more than a crawl . His job was to help stranded travelers , not become one of them . And to do that he had to stay on the road . A road filled with lots of curves and turns , as it happened . But this was his last run . Once he returned to town he 'd check in at the office and then head home for the night . Thank God the road so far was clear of vehicles in the ditch . The thought had just run through his head when he saw a dark lump on the right . Tire tracks led down the embankment to the ditch . " Shit , " he muttered , and carefully slowed . He pulled as far over to the side as he dared and left his headlights on to show him the way and his hazard lights flashing . He hopped out of the truck and made his way through the snow to the car . From four feet away he could see a person inside . " Please don 't be hurt , " he prayed , pushing forward to knock on the window . Hopefully the driver had simply slid off the shoulder and into the ditch , because getting an ambulance out here would be a real challenge . He rapped on the glass . " Hello ? Are you okay ? " The window rolled down to show a very anxious middle - aged man who was clearly glad to see him . His face sagged with relief at being found . " Oh , thank the Lord ! I ran off the road a few minutes ago and I don 't have any cell service and everyone says that you should stay in your vehicle . . . " " So you can be picked up safely , " Todd said , nodding . He knew the man couldn 't have been there long since the tracks leading to the car were still visible . " I 'm Officer Todd Ricker with the Jewell Cove Police Department . I 've got a four - wheel drive up there , and I can give you a lift into town . You can make arrangements to come back for your car later . " " I don 't see why not . Let 's go , though . It 's getting worse out there instead of better . " He helped the man get out of the car . " You don 't have to tell me twice . I 'm Jacob Sewell . " The man introduced himself as they struggled up the embankment . " I was headed here on business and thought I 'd beat the storm up the coast . Stupid of me , really . " Todd wanted to agree with him , but there wasn 't much sense in making the guy feel worse . " Well , Mr . Sewell , my guess is you 'll be stuck in Jewell Cove for a day or two while this gets cleaned up . Hope you 're not in any hurry . " He reached for the man 's arm , giving him a firm tug to get him to the top of the bank . Overnight bag and briefcase shuttled forward and bumped his arm , then settled back again . Stupid man had driven up the coast in December in nothing more than a pair of leather dress shoes and a peacoat . City people , he thought . Thankfully Mr . Sewell wasn 't too interested in talking on the drive . Todd looked over once and noticed that the man 's fingers were gripped together so tightly , the knuckles were white . Not much wonder . The roads were a mess , they were barely crawling along , and Sewell was probably still reliving the sensation of sliding into the ditch and being stranded . It didn 't help when the back end of Todd 's truck skidded from time to time , even with the four - wheel . For some reason a line from an old animated Christmas special popped into Todd 's mind : It wasn 't a fit day for man nor beast . When the Jewell Cove , 1 mi . sign appeared , Todd started to relax a bit . Once they got to the town limits , hopefully the roads would be plowed and in a little bit better shape . The next question was where to go . He knew that the motel on the main drag was already full . When he 'd left for this last run , the lot there and across the road at the service station already housed a few transport trucks where even the truckers had pulled off for the night . The best chance would be the Evergreen Inn . His chest tightened a little at the thought . Lainey Price ran the inn now . She 'd always been beautiful , but now she was beautiful and successful and Todd found that even more intimidating . Not that he 'd ever own up to it , of course . Still , it wouldn 't exactly be a hardship to see her tonight . The roads in town weren 't much better , and Todd turned left off Main and up the few blocks to connect with Oceanview Drive , the tires grabbing in the snow that was getting deeper by the moment . The clock on the dash said eight forty - nine . Surely anyone else would be off the roads by now if they had any sense at all . " Thank you so much , Officer Ricker . " Mr . Sewell sighed heavily . " I 'm just so relieved to be here safe and sound . I don 't know what I 'd have done if you hadn 't come along . " " You were doing the right thing , " Todd replied , nodding . " And no need to worry about what might have been . " In Todd 's view , life was too short for that . The wind was so sharp that the little snowflakes bit at their faces as they crossed the parking lot and then the street to reach the inn . At some point , someone must have shoveled the front walk and steps , because the snow wasn 't as deep there as elsewhere . Regardless , it still drifted over the path , and they had to stomp their way through . When Todd reached the front door , he tried the knob and found it locked . He knocked then , good and hard . Someone would hear , surely . But he was worried that the locked door meant they were full for the night . The second knock got results . The door opened and Lainey stood to the side , leaving the door open only a crack . Even so , he was able to get a glimpse of her face , dominated by heavily lashed brown eyes . He and Mr . Sewell stomped their way inside , out of the blowing snow . Sewell looked so utterly relieved to be somewhere warm and dry that it was almost comical . Todd half expected the man to kneel and kiss the ground . Todd merely stayed on the welcome mat and removed his gloves . He had to get this guy settled and get home . His time on the roads wasn 't quite done yet . " This is Mr . Sewell . " He performed a basic introduction . " Found him just the other side of Fiddler 's Rock , car in the ditch . He needs a place to stay for the night is all . " " Of course . We 're packed in pretty tightly here , Mr . Sewell , and I 'm not sure I can guarantee you your own room , " Lainey said as she hurried around the desk to look at the books . " The only motel in town is full up , though , so even if you did want to go somewhere else , there 's not much chance of it . It 's only supposed to get worse out there before it gets better . We 'll find a way to squeeze you in somewhere . " She smiled reassuringly . Lainey looked up at Todd . " You 've been out on patrol ? " Her pretty face showed concern as her brows lifted and her smile faded . " The roads must be terrible . " Damn . That put Todd in a bind , but he 'd have to get Sewell situated first . " Busy night for you , I take it , " he said , noticing a little strain behind her warm cinnamon eyes . Lainey was simply stunning . Her ancestors had come to Jewell Cove as freed slaves during the Civil War , but in the 1960s her grandfather had married a white woman from New Brunswick , giving the town gossips plenty to talk about . Mixed marriages were not the done thing back then . Now , two generations later , her heritage showed in her caramel skin and her jet - black hair . Tonight she was dressed in black trousers and a soft gray sweater , her curly hair caught up in a ponytail . Always professional on the job , he thought , admiring the way she took Sewell 's information and smiled in a welcoming way . When they 'd been teenagers , Lainey had been a bit of a party girl . Not lately , though . He tucked his gloves in his jacket pocket . No , for the last few years they 'd all calmed down and taken on real - life responsibilities . She took Mr . Sewell 's coat and hung it in the closet . " Lots of people are stranded , that 's for sure . Mr . Sewell , can I offer you a cup of coffee and something to eat ? I 'm afraid we don 't generally serve dinner , but today 's a special circumstance . Most of what I have on hand is for breakfast , but I can whip up some eggs and toast or offer you muffins and fruit . " A grateful Mr . Sewell disappeared into the parlor . Lainey sighed and looked up at Todd . " Phew . Well , the storm is causing a sensation . No shortage of conversation topics in there tonight . But I hope no one else shows up . I was already full when you knocked on the door . " " There is no other place , Todd . " Lainey reached for his coat , her reassuring fingers touching his shoulders . " Come on , take this off and have a coffee . You look dead on your feet . It had to be nerve racking , out there on the roads . " It was true . He 'd been out most of the day , and the intense attention it had taken for him to drive had left him exhausted . Particularly now that he was done , out of the storm , and relaxed . It was as if it all caught up with him at once . He let her hang up his coat while he took off his boots and placed them neatly by the front door . She led the way to the kitchen . Todd watched the gentle sway of her hips and wondered - not for the first time - why he 'd never bothered to ask her out . He 'd never been the shy type . Maybe it was the sense that Lainey was out of his league . When she did something , she did it all the way . As a teen she 'd made straight A 's and was school council president . Now she 'd taken over the inn and was making a great success of it . As far as Todd knew , she 'd never failed at anything . The kitchen of the inn was an old - fashioned monstrosity , lined with solid wood cupboards . A big oak table and chairs sat at one end , flanked by several windows . A butcher block provided a working area in the middle , and there was a hutch made for the back corner , a triangle - shaped piece painted a brick red and then distressed to make it look antique . A red tablecloth covered the table , and in the middle was a beautiful pine - and - candle centerpiece . Christmas - themed serving dishes lined the hutch as well , giving the room an appropriately festive look . Despite the old - fashioned country décor , the appliances were stainless steel , shiny , and large . " Really ? " Lainey turned on the coffee machine to heat the water . " It 's generally not so busy this time of year . Sure , it fills up during the weekend of the Christmas festival , but once that 's over we 're pretty quiet until at least Easter . " She busied herself taking out muffins and pastries and two coffee mugs . " I let the seasonal staff go after Thanksgiving . " She laughed . " So it 's just me here . I certainly didn 't expect a full house this close to Christmas . I 'll have my hands full tomorrow morning . " " What ? " Todd had been watching her efficient movements , marveling at the change in her . The girl he used to know had been a little bit of a hell - raiser . Nothing too serious , but definitely good for a beach party or whatever was happening after the sun went down . Now , though , she 'd gotten all respectable and . . . domestic , with her coffee and home - baked muffins and cozy kitchen . But when she smiled at him , there was a sparkle in her eye that told him the girl he 'd known growing up was still in there . She laughed again and reached for a plate for the muffins . " Yeah , well , you becoming a cop was a big surprise , that 's for sure . Mr . Straight and Narrow . " " Truce , " he said , chuckling . " Yes . I was staring at your ass . It 's a mighty fine one , as it happens . And yes , I take my coffee black . And finally , you , Miss Lainey Price , still have an awfully smart mouth . I see that much hasn 't changed . " " Thank you . " She winked at him , then shoved a muffin in his hand . " I bet you didn 't eat dinner . Have a muffin . " She 'd sounded confident and flirty , but he 'd seen the heat in her eyes as he 'd admitted he 'd been checking her out . Well , well . Maybe she wasn 't completely immune to him after all . Lainey disappeared with a tray containing Mr . Sewell 's coffee , muffins , a bowl of fruit , cream , sugar , and butter . While she was gone , Todd 's coffee finished brewing and he reached for the cup . God , it was good . Hot and rich and soothing . The muffin was good , too , some sort of carrot nut thing with a crumb topping . Since she was taking her time coming back , he reached into the container for another . He 'd missed dinner , and once he 'd started eating he 'd realized how hungry he was . Lainey came back to the kitchen and put her hands on her hips as she saw him reach for a third . " If you 'd waited two minutes , I would have made you an omelet or something . Heated you some soup . . . I don 't have much in this kitchen , but in the cottage my fridge is pretty well stocked . " She nodded . " I like my own space . When I took over the inn , I hired Tom Arseneault to convert the storage building at the back into a little apartment for me . It leaves another room open for guests in the house , too . " When he hung up he looked at her , eyebrow still raised , and sighed . " Okay , so you were right . The roads out of town are all closed . " As much as he hated to ask , he did anyway . " Is there room at the inn for me , too ? Lainey stared up at Todd . Room at the inn ? For a brief second , she had the absurd thought that her normally quiet life had suddenly become some sort of weird Christmas play . Not only that , the place was filled to the gills . All the rooms were taken . She was going to have to put the last fold - out cot in one of the rooms for Mr . Sewell , if one of the male guests consented to sharing space for the night . The father - and - son duo had already volunteered to give up their room to a pair of sisters on their way to Boston for a girls ' weekend . The men would be bunking on the sofa and love seat in the parlor , once everyone went to bed . " Nope . The highway 's shut down and the chief just ordered us to stay put , wherever we are . Particularly if we 're in town , because he 'll need us in the morning . " Bryce Arseneault might be the youngest chief Jewell Cove had ever had , but no one doubted his authority . If he said stay where you are , you stayed . There wasn 't anything Lainey could do about it . Besides , having Todd Ricker at the inn was no big deal . They were all adults . This was her job . The only available space for him to stay wasn 't at the inn at all . It was in the cottage . In her quarters . The very thought sent a strange sort of swirling through her stomach , a combination of nervousness and desire . As much as she hated to admit it , Lainey had had a thing for Todd for years . She certainly wasn 't going to come right out and tell him . The hot and sexy police officer was never at a loss for dates , yet she didn 't want to be one of his flavors of the month . When Lainey did something , she was all - in . And Todd . . . he was more of a passing - through kind of guy . " Yes , over there . " Her pulse quickened at the thought . She needed to keep this businesslike . Like everyone else , he was merely a casualty of the storm . Besides , he 'd been out there trying to help people . The very least she could do was give him some food and a blanket for the night . Just because it was at her place didn 't actually mean anything . The words were blandly said , but Lainey saw a twinkle in his eye . When Todd looked like that , it was hard to remember to resist his charm . Maybe he 'd never asked her out , but he could flirt like a champ . Thank goodness he wasn 't wearing his uniform today . She 'd have been a goner . There was something about a man all pressed and starched and official looking that made her weak in the knees . " So they say . " He tilted his coffee cup - it was nearly empty . The clock in the hall chimed , over and over , marking the hour . Lainey sighed , feeling suddenly weary . " Listen , do you want to join everyone in the parlor or anything ? With the surge in guests I haven 't had time to finish everything and it 's ten o ' clock . I 've got make sure the rooms are done up and everyone has enough towels and stuff . Flashlights , too , in case the power goes out . " " I can get it . " He must have felt it , too , because his voice was quiet and a little rough . " Go do what you need to do , Lainey . You don 't need to entertain me . I 'm just glad to have a place to hole up for the night . " Hole up for the night . He 'd be in her cottage . Using her bathroom , sleeping on her sofa . Lainey knew there shouldn 't be a shred of intimacy to it but this was Todd . When a hunky cop spent the night - even platonically - intimacy , even the awkward kind , was a given . She passed the landing and the railing decorated with spruce boughs and red velvet bows . As she stopped to straighten one of the bows , she caught sight of her naked ring finger . The one good thing to come out of the storm was that she was incredibly busy , and it took her mind off things . Namely , Christmas . It wasn 't even that her heart was still broken . She 'd moved on ; started putting the pieces back together . It was more that the decorations and songs and sappy TV programs reminded her of how she 'd felt last year . Of how much she 'd hurt . Yes , it was the reminders that hurt now . She 'd loved Jason with everything she had . He 'd been The One . And a week before Christmas - a week before their wedding - he 'd broken their engagement . Now Todd Ricker was in her kitchen and for the first time in months she felt the delicious , unexpected stirrings of attraction . In a way it was scary as hell . Love hurt . But this wasn 't love ; far from it . Besides , Todd didn 't do love , and that made her feel tons better . Because in another way , it came as a great relief to know she actually could feel like this again . The closing of a door brought her back to the moment . What was she doing mooning over a bit of flirting when there was work to do ? Back downstairs , she checked on the guests congregated in the parlor . The room was cozy and warm with a large Christmas tree in the corner . That afternoon , one of the guests had helped her carry the stack of firewood closer to the inn just in case , and a fire snapped and popped behind the grate . The two sisters were playing a cutthroat game of cribbage , and a few others had dug out the checkers board . Lainey took the tray of dirty cups and plates and went to the kitchen , expecting to see Todd there , but the room was empty . A strange , rhythmic grating sound came from behind the house and she peered out the window . He 'd found a shovel and was clearing the walk between the main house and the cottage . She stopped and smiled for a moment . He was a good man when it came right down to it . Hardworking and honest . But the last thing Lainey wanted to think about was romance . A relationship . She wrapped her arms around her middle and watched him in the dim circle of the porch light . Nope , she certainly wasn 't interested in a boyfriend . Scratching an itch with a guy like Todd , though ? That thought had its attractions . Todd moved around to the front of the house , wading through the drifts until he was out of sight . With a sigh , Lainey put the dishes in the dishwasher , then went back to the parlor to set up the hide - a - bed and lay out blankets for the father and son . She wouldn 't go to her own quarters until everyone was settled . Todd came back inside . His jacket and hat were covered in snow , his cheeks ruddy from the cold wind . Lainey took one look at him and knew it would be stupid to make him wait for her . She handed him the key to her door . " Go on over . I 'll be there soon . I 'm just waiting for everyone to get settled , in case they need anything . " " Look at you . It doesn 't make any sense for you to take off your boots and coat and then have to put them back on again . Besides , you can turn on the TV , kick your feet up for a bit . I won 't be long . " " Now , Lainey , that would be an invasion of privacy . I 'm offended you 'd think I 'd do such a thing . " He put a hand to his heart . " I 'm a cop , after all . " Her lips twitched . She walked over to him , not caring about the draft , and looked up into his face . Damn , he was handsome . " You forget , I 've known you for a long time , Todd Ricker . I know you 'd do such a thing . " He nearly choked on his laugh and she raised an eyebrow . How the boys from the baseball team had gotten the principal 's underwear , no one knew . But they 'd run it up the school flagpole on a Saturday and it had stayed there until the custodian had taken the rather large - sized panties down on Monday morning . It had never been proven who did it , but Lainey had known . It had Todd written all over it . Despite her words , she actually did trust him not to snoop . Because Todd had kept his sense of humor , but she knew one thing for sure . He 'd grown up and acquired a sense of honor and duty , too . |
This feels to me like the days right after 9 / 11 . When I walked down Northern Blvd . to the Y yesterday for my swim , it was ghostly quiet . The corners where the day laborers hang out were empty . A few years ago , when trying to find a safe corner to traverse after an ice storm , it was two Latino day laborers who picked me up and set me right when I nearly fell into traffic . The women wearing hijabs , with their children in tow , looked at me and looked away when I smiled at them . That day is a blur ; it was supposed to be my day of rest , after going out to Union to search for Dad on Saturday , Sunday , Monday . I had set Wednesday as my return to work , if we didn 't find him . I had very mixed feelings about going back to work . I couldn 't stay out indefinitely ; what if we never find him ? Sometimes , people who go missing are never , ever found . They just disappear without a trace . How does a person just disappear ? The laws of physics tell us that matter cannot be created or destroyed in a closed system ; therefore , he can 't just be gone . He is somewhere in the Escheresque universe in which I 've been living since 8 : 40 Friday morning ; I just can 't find my way to him . The angles are all wrong , they are impossible , incomprehensible . I 've been saying : " My dad is missing " . I could just as easily say : " I 'm missing my Dad " and mean it in all its double - entendred glory ; he 's missing ; I miss him ; oops , have I missed him ? What am I missing ? When someone goes missing , what happens to the people who are missing them ? What do they do ? Do they return to their jobs ? Do they shop for groceries on the way home from work ? Do they still buy Metrocards , and make sure that there 's milk in the refrigerator for breakfast the next morning ? Do they plan their meals for the coming week ? What about the laundry ? Do they carry on , do they do all of these things , all the while waiting for a call from the police or the FBI or a hospital or a morgue that their loved one or their loved one 's body has been found ? Or do they simply sit still ? Do they wait by the telephone , or stake out a spot in front of the computer , searching , researching , unable to move ? Do they take their cellphones into the shower ? Do they take showers ? Whatever I am doing , I feel like I should be doing something else instead . What if I 'm doing the wrong things , and that 's why I can 't find the right angle ? Is my approach all wrong ? I 've never known anyone else who had this happen . I have no experts to consult . I need a roadmap for this terra incognita where we are marooned . My plan for Tuesday was to talk to the detectives in the morning and get them to set the bloodhounds looking for my father . We were in Day 5 ; Dad had been missing for ninety - six hours ( I had decided that , when we got to one hundred hours , I would switch to counting days ) . Frank and I awoke to the alarm , took our showers , ate our breakfast , drank our coffee , shared the New York Times , watched Weather Channel , just like we do every day . It was all so nice and normal . I turned on my computer to check email . I had messages from my friend Janice asking if there 'd been any word ( no ) ; from my friend Peg , who pointed out how easily the elderly become invisible to the rest of us , allowing as how if Dad had gone out in his pajamas , someone might remember having seen him ( he had done that already , the week before ) ; from Nancy , letting us know that she , Chris and Grant would be in New Jersey by around 2 that afternoon . She added that Chris suggested that one way to get Dad back would be to buy and install an air conditioner in his dining room ( Dad was legendarily spartan about heating and cooling ) . The search had become its own creature , apart from Dad ; Dad and the search for Dad were two separate beings . There had been moments when I felt we were searching just for the sake of doing something . It wasn 't that I thought our efforts were useless or hopeless ; there was a small ( and shrinking ) part of me that thought we might yet find him , and find him alive . Surely there was a reasonable explanation for him being missing ; the Laws of the Conservation of Matter decreed that he was still somewhere in the known universe . Since Friday , I had been dealing with the unknowingness of my situation by trying to control those things I could . To be effective , to move forward , I had to be dispassionate about the alternatives that lay before us . I had to be on task , I had to manage time well , I had to ruthlessly prioritize . It was like managing the store ( people / product / operations ) , except this really was life and death . I wasn 't alone ; I had lots of help , all the help I could ask for ; my husband , my siblings and sibs - in - law , their children , our friends were living through this with me ; but I felt so terribly alone . Okay , so the detectives would have dogs and helicopters … Det . Moutis said that we should register for a Silver Alert . I said I 'd set it up if he sent me a link . Monday night , when I got home from New Jersey , before we had dinner , Frank and I were talking about places that George and Barbara and Alyssa and Kevin and Glenn and the neighbors and I couldn 't get into to search on our own . Frank had made a list of the kinds of places that should be searched ; abandoned buildings within a reasonable radius ; houses that had been foreclosed upon , and were vacant ; garages , sheds , outbuildings , even on occupied properties - we 'd had a cat years ago who had gotten locked in a neighbor 's garage by accident , and he 'd been missing for three days before the neighbor returned , opened the garage , and out came our Patch . Maybe Dad crawled into or under an abandoned car in a foreclosed garage and has been unable to get out and come home . Maybe he fell through a rotted floor in a vacant , derelict house . Maybe he got lost again , and went into a house that he thought was his , except it was empty , and now he thought we had sold all of his things or that he had lost the house to taxes . When we had his income taxes done earlier that spring , he got confused , and thought the new accountant was there to take his house away . Maybe he was looking for Mom . My email to Det . Moutis crossed with his email to me giving me the web address for setting up a Silver Alert . I should have guessed it - www . silveralert . org - and I can 't remember now why I couldn 't . I registered my dad for the Silver Alert and uploaded the picture that we 'd used on his flyers . I emailed the link to Det . Moutis and all my sibs with the login and password . For some reason - and I don 't know if it still works this way - the login and password were only good for an hour , and I had to re - log - in and re - upload his picture once the hour was up . I called my contact at Union 's Channel 12 to give her Dad 's information and the Facebook page URLs so she could do a screengrab of the flyer . I promised to follow up with a flyer by email , in case the screengrab wasn 't sufficiently clear . Lexi promised to get the information on the air that day . Janet and Wally were at Dad 's , getting ready to leave for Maryland , since Nancy was coming up . Someone had to be in Maryland to take care of the total of five cats and one dog between the two households , so Janet and Nancy tag - teamed . I think that George and Barbara were both back at work - it 's so hard to remember now , and my cell phone and text records aren 't clear . Alyssa had finals coming up , so she was back in school . John was planning to arrive on Thursday . Maybe we 'd find Dad by then . The detectives had arrived , with the bloodhound and his handler from the Essex County Canine Unit . It was mid - day . They 'd had to wait for the bloodhound to come from the next county , because Union County didn 't have one of their own . The handler , wearing latex gloves , took my father 's old worn pajamas outside , and spread the top and bottom out on the lawn in front of Dad 's house . ( The image I conjured for myself of my father 's nightclothes spread out on the lush grass is indelibly imprinted on my mind 's eye . ) The handler wears gloves so that he doesn 't transfer his own scent particles to the scent article . I am in my living room . I am waiting , too . I text Glenn ( not wanting to tie up the phone ) ; he has heard nothing , and is getting anxious . They have not been gone long . The bloodhound veered left at the head of the path , into the woods , without hesitation . They went deep , deeper , following my father 's scent , over brambles , and weeds , and thickets of vines , into the heavy brush . They found him lying on the ground . He said it would have been impossible to find him without the bloodhound . The brush and tangles of vines and weeds were more than two feet high ; Dad had sat down on a log , taken off his shoes , and either lay down or fell back . He was on the ground , his glasses and tan hat were off to the side , his watch still on his wrist . He was clothed except for his shoes , which were on the ground next to the log . They would have to confirm his identity with dental records . He had been out in the elements for more than one hundred hours . The coroner would later say that he had almost certainly died the first day . That would account for the lack of sightings , I thought to myself . Nancy , Chris , and Grant arrived at Dad 's house at about the time that the detectives were calling me . I must have called Janet and Walter , John and Cheryl , Barbara and George , but I don 't remember doing so . Frank came home sometime in the late afternoon and I told him . I am sure I was crying , but I don 't remember . I texted my friends . I called the store and told Emery that they had probably found my father , and I wouldn 't be coming in on Wednesday after all . Janet and Wally are due in from Maryland at about noon . I have to make some calls before I leave . I 'll be on the 9 : 47AM LIRR to Penn , and pick up the 10 : 37 NJT train to Roselle Park . That will get me to Jersey at about twenty past eleven . I 'll have the chance to get a couple of things done here before I leave , and to get a couple of things done at Dad 's before Janet and Wally arrive . I call the UCPD . The dispatcher recognizes my voice . I ask to speak to the desk sergeant . I verify that the new platoon has my dad 's photo . I tell them we are continuing our search today , and that I need to speak to the detectives when they come in . I can 't listen . I love her , and would have spared her this news if I didn 't feel I had to prepare her for a bad outcome . But , I have my own burden of fear to carry , and it is heavy enough . I detach myself carefully , tell her I have to leave for New Jersey to continue the search , and promise to keep her informed . George and Glenn are waiting for me at Roselle Park . As we edge out of the parking lot , I look at each of them and ask if they mind if I speak very freely . They both nod for me to go ahead . " I think that if we find Dad , we won 't find him alive . We may not ever find him at all . He 's been gone too long . " Glenn says that he didn 't want to be the first one to say that , but he agrees . So does George . They are both relieved that I have said this out loud . I ask George if he thinks Barbara and Alyssa are preparing themselves . He isn 't sure . I tell him about my conversation with Barb in the A & P parking lot on Sunday , when I asked about Alyssa . We get to Dad 's and open up the windows to air it out . The weather 's been beautiful since Dad disappeared ; there was only a brief shower on Saturday , late afternoon ; otherwise , it 's been sunny and not too hot . Glenn 's been taking care of the mail over the weekend , not letting it pile up on the porch . The neighbors all know about Dad , and have walked the woods and the neighborhood themselves . Ron , the neighbor across the street , tells us about a shelter in Elizabeth ; maybe Dad is there . George 's neighbor Joanne had mentioned one too . Both places were on the list that Nancy and Janet have been calling all weekend . None of the neighbors , or the shopkeepers , or the cemetery workers saw him Friday morning . It 's like Dad walked out of his door and into thin air . I have been playing phone tag with the detectives through the day . Finally , I get to speak to them briefly . They give me their direct dial numbers and email addresses . I talk to them about where we looked for Dad over the weekend . Detective George Moutis told me that everywhere he and his partner , Detective Ken Elliot , canvassed , we had already covered . He and his crew had seen scores of our flyers all over Union . And they had fewer leads than we did - they had no sightings at all . They hadn 't come across even one person who had seen Dad on Friday , or since . Janet and Walter are going back to Maryland in the morning ; Nancy , Chris and Grant will be up in the early afternoon . Barbara is at work , and Alyssa is at school . John is flying in on Thursday . I am going home to rest for a day , and go back to work on Wednesday , unless of course Dad is found . When I get home , I tell Frank about what the day has held . We eat our dinner , watch a movie or some South Park episodes ( I don 't remember , and I think I fell asleep ) . Before bed , I email the detectives ' contact information to all the sibs and spouses . I am up by 6AM . Dad has been missing for forty - six hours . I take my shower , check my email and begin with my plan for the day . I spend the early morning tracking down local media outlets - broadcast and cable television , radio , newspapers - and emailing them flyers . By 9AM I have contacted local channels 2 , 4 , 5 , 7 , 9 , 11 and NJ 12 ( who said they needed a press release from the police - that will be my first thing Monday morning , if we haven 't found him by then ) . I contact the NY Post and the NY Daily News . I don 't bother with the Times because this is happening in Jersey and they won 't care . If he is still missing tomorrow , I will also hit the local New Jersey newspapers - I can look them up and get their contact information when I get back tonight . A bit past 9AM , I talk to the dispatch officer at the police station at the beginning of the day shift . The new platoon is out with pictures of Dad in their cars . My mom 's best friend Thea has made the same arrangements at the 110th Precinct in Corona , just in case Dad ( somehow ) did make there . It is looking less and less like a realistic scenario , but we all feel the need to cover all the bases . If I thought he could come up with the idea of flying somewhere , I 'd have posted at the airports too . I just want to find him . All the sibs have the flyer in their email inboxes , and all the sibs are forwarding it to their address books with instructions to pass it on . All of us on Facebook have forwarded the page I created last night . Alyssa made up her own page , using the same layout , and called it Help Me Find My Grandfather . She forwarded the link to all of her Facebook friends and they are in turn forwarding it to theirs . The page has over a hundred " likes " already , most of them Alyssa 's friends in Union . John and Cheryl are tweeting it on Twitter , Barbara is posting it on her fitness boards . Barb emailed me first thing this morning that she 'd had a dream that their cat Dallas was missing . She said she found her on the side of Dad 's house , alive , buried in some snow . Barbara says she is going to look by the side of Dad 's house this morning , again , just in case . At this point , we know that if Dad hasn 't been taken into an ER or shelter by someone , his mobility will be limited , he will be exhausted , hungry , dehydrated , off his meds for more than forty - eight hours . Our best hope for finding him is that he is resting somewhere - a park bench , bleachers , a shady spot under a tree . We covered that ground yesterday and will do it again today . We 're going to visit some of the same places , in case there are new people there who don 't know about Dad . Before I leave , I email Nancy and ask her to find email addresses for Our Lady of Sorrows and P . S . 19 in Corona , and send them the flyer with a note . I ask her to get email addresses for the hospitals and shelters on her call list , and send them the flyer . Everyone at these places is aware that we are looking for Dad ; it will help keep him in the front of their mind if they have a picture to refer to , and the knowledge that there is a family who desperately wants to find him . Barbara offers to fax the flyers from work to any place that doesn 't have an email address . The guy at reception today is the same guy who was there yesterday , and he still hasn 't seen Dad and there have been no John Does admitted . Our flyer is posted on the wall behind the desk , behind the thick Plexiglas window that separates him from me . I use the hospital rest room and go back out to the car . George takes me back to his house , where he and Glenn are working replacing a faucet , and Barb , Alyssa and I leave in Barb 's car . At 2 : 02 PM , my cell rings . It 's George . Patty from Café Z thinks she saw Dad near the Lowe 's on Morris Avenue in Union . It 's two miles from his house , but Dad has walked that far in good weather many times . George and Glenn each get into their cars and separately approach the location Patty described from opposite sides of Morris Avenue . They don 't want to miss him . Walter calls me at 2 : 08 and I tell him about the sighting . I am talking with both him and Janet when Glenn calls me . I switch to Glenn 's call . George is coming up in the other direction , sees Glenn 's car , sees the old man , sees it 's not Dad . They go to Café Z to tell Patty , and to thank her . It 's the only real glimmer of hope we 've had in fifty - four hours . They go back to the house , deflated . I take the 10 : 03AM from Murray Hill to Penn . I bring an extra $ 50 and the Capital One credit card statement so I can stop at the bank at the corner of 7th Avenue and 33rd Street in between trains . The NJT train won 't leave until 11 : 07AM anyway . That 'll give me almost half an hour to cross the street and pay the bill on its due date . It 'll also add the slightest semblance of normalcy to my increasingly surreal situation . When I get to Penn , I go to the NJT ticket machines and get two off - peak round trips ( I can always use them , is my very practical thought ) . I go up the escalator , turn left and walk to the Capital One on the next corner . It is empty at 10 : 35AM . There is one teller on , and no line . I pass the statement and my fifty - dollar bill under the bulletproof glass . She takes the statement and the money , inputs the account information , completes my transaction , and slides me my receipt . We go back to Dad 's , so I can walk around the house myself . I just want to see for myself how he left things . I know this is not logical , because since Dad left , Vee has been here , Glenn has been here , the policemen have been here , detectives have been here , George and Barbara and Alyssa have been here , and maybe some other people , too . We leave Dad 's , grab a quick bite at Galloping Hill , go back to George and Barbara 's house , and go over what 's been done so far . They walked the woods by the house yesterday , and again today . They walked the woods by Washington School again this morning . They 've been driving around the neighborhood . Barb thought she saw Dad when she was out driving and looking . It was about 7AM . She was driving up by Union Station , on Morris Avenue , when she saw an elderly man walking . She slowed down , and took a good look . She couldn 't really tell ; he had his hat pulled down , and he wasn 't facing her . The man 's clothing was similar … . could it be Dad ? She got out of the car , and went up to him , looked at his face , closely . I 'd brought my staple gun and packaging tape with me from home . We have to make a flyer for posting . I ask Barb if I can use her computer . I go downstairs to work . I remember that Alyssa has recent pictures of Dad on her Facebook page - she and Dad visited the cemetery right after one of the huge snowstorms this past winter , and I know that there are a couple of full - face ones . I right - click copy the one where he and Alyssa are looking right at the camera , paste it into an image editor , and crop Alyssa out . I close in on his face and center it . I type my text , fine - tune the spacing and size of the text so it can be easily read from a passing car , and print out about a hundred of them . The first place we visit is the cemetery . We post a flyer on the tree by Mom 's grave and ask her to watch over Dad , and to please help us . We know that if he can be helped , she will see to it . We go to the office and speak to the manager ; he knows my dad . He has seen Dad visit Mom 's grave every day in every kind of weather . He says all the groundskeepers know who Dad is , too . He asks the ones on duty if they saw him . No one can remember if he was there yesterday or not . He promises to keep an eye out . I give him some flyers , and ask his permission to post some more around the cemetery . He agrees . I look back at him over my shoulder on my way out , and I catch the unguarded sadness on his face . We visit every park , every local body of water ( dementia patients are attracted to bodies of water , I had read somewhere , sometime ) every doctor 's office , school and playground that Alyssa ever went to with Mom and Dad , posting flyers . We go to Town Hall ( post , outside and in ) , to the library ( post on the bulletin board and on trees in the parking lot ) , up to Café Z to tell Patty , the owner , and leave her some flyers and our cell phone numbers . She knows Dad well - we 've had our family Thanksgiving dinners there since the year Mom died . We drive up and down endless streets , posting . We leave flyers with whomever we speak with in Union . We post more . In Westfield . In Kenilworth . In Cranford . In Garwood . The first time Dad went for a walk where the cops brought him home , they found him up by Saint Demetrios , almost three miles from his house , a few blocks away from the precinct house . That was almost three months ago , in late March . Two patrolmen just starting their midday shift saw an elderly man who seemed confused and went up to him and asked him if he was okay . He couldn 't figure out where he was , but he knew who he was and where he lived , so they took him home and called Barb at work . At about 2PM , George left a voice mail on my cell to let me know what had happened , and that he had sent Glenn over to Dad 's to look in on him and make sure he was all right . I called Dad as soon as I picked up the voice mail , but only got the answering machine ( with my mother 's voice on the outgoing message ; we 'd never changed it ) . I called Barb , and we tried to figure it out ; we thought that Dad must have been on his way to the cemetery , which meant he was walking for about four hours , if he followed his habit of leaving the house at around 8AM . He had probably just continued on Chestnut Street instead of taking the left fork on to Galloping Hill , at the Five Points intersection where Galloping Hill Road and Chestnut cross the end of Salem Road . He was found all the way up on Rahway Avenue , past the entrance to the Garden State , past the turnoff on to Stuyvesant and Cioffi 's , almost as far from the house as Alyssa 's high school and Café Z . We drive and walk and post flyers for a few more hours , all over Union . By Dad 's house . Around the corners , both ways . On Salem Road . On Chestnut Street , by his bank and the vegetable store where he buys his bananas and the Dunkin Donuts . By Eisenstat 's office on Galloping Hill Road . I am finally exhausted , and George drives me to the station so I can go home . We post flyers all along Chestnut Street as we go . Tomorrow , we will do this again . Tagscaregiving , Come to Me , Duty , elderly parents , faith , family , father , friends , grief , home , hope , joy , loss , love , Matthew 11 : 28 , mercy , missing , Missing Dad , missing persons , parents , patience , prayer , responsibility , search , search dogs , siblings , strength , trust The police meet Vee and Glenn at Dad 's house . They call me for details about Dad and where he would be likely to go . They want to know where he shops , where he banks , if he has friends he liked to see , who his doctor and dentist are , which area schools are the ones Alyssa has attended ( since he had shown up at her elementary school in his pajamas just eight days before ) , what church he attends , and anything else that might help . I have to leave soon , to go to work ; I am the manager - in - training at the Papyrus flagship store on Broadway and 76th Street in Manhattan . I am scheduled for noon until closing , which means I need to be on the 10 : 33 train . I would call out if we weren 't so short - staffed . As it is , our full - time keyholder , Mary , will be alone until I get there . Emery has a travel day and is going to be at both of his other stores giving performance reviews . Jacque isn 't scheduled until four , and since her review is supposed to be at the Columbus Avenue store , she probably isn 't even going to get to Broadway until almost five . If I call out , Mary will be alone either until Jacque comes in , or until Emery can get there . That just won 't work - that store is just too busy , and cannot run with only one person on the floor for six hours - is there anybody else who can cover me on short notice ? No . ( So , what would happen if I got hit by a truck on the way there ? Would they find someone then ? ) I 've managed the floor by myself for hours , or worked a thirteen - hour open - to - close shift when staff calls out or just doesn 't show up ; that 's precisely why I don 't do that to other people . Not even today , with this good a reason . I call Mary on my way to the train to tell her my father is missing . She said , " Oh , did they find him ? " I said , NO , HE IS MISSING . No one knows where he is . I get to Penn before eleven . I have no news from anyone . I have enough time to try to find a charger for my phone . I hadn 't charged it the night before and I 've been on it almost the whole morning . I take the local to 79th Street , stop at the T - Mobile store to see if I can find what I need . No dice - the sales associate practically laughs at my three - year - old no - frills Samsung . I try the electronics store across the street . They don 't have one either , but I do replace my broken watchstrap with a new black leather one . I never bring my cellphone on to the sales floor , but I make an exception this day . I am fielding texts from my sisters asking if there is any news , while I am emailing back and forth with my district manager and Corporate about a man who had attempted to make a fraudulent return in our store . In between , I am ringing up Father 's Day cards for customers . Frank checks in with me a couple of times , to see if I 've heard anything , to hear how I sound . He knows me better than anyone else on God 's green earth . He can pick things up in my voice that even I don 't know are there . Such are the blessings of a long - term happy marriage . " I haven 't heard anything from anyone . I 'm going to Port Authority after work , in case Dad got on a bus . " ( I 'm scared and I don 't know what else to do . ) " No news . Yes , thank you for offering , please come and close the store with Jacque . I don 't know where my father is , and I don 't know what is happening . " I grab a cab on Broadway , and I call home from my cell as the cab makes its way downtown . I am going to Port Authority on the small chance that somehow , my dad tried to come to see me in New York . Maybe he waited at our old bus stop , got on the 113S bus , got out at Port Authority and … . what ? Did I really think he could find his way to the 7 train , go to Corona , or to Flushing ? No , I didn 't . But in case he did , I need to tell the cops to be on the lookout . I hear the worry in my husband 's voice . I have to do this anyway . My mind 's ear hears him saying , " Come home now " when what he is really saying out loud is good luck , be careful . The cabdriver has overheard my conversation , and asks me if I am okay . I tell him my dad disappeared that morning and has been missing all day . I tell him why I am going to Port Authority . He asks me my father 's name so he can keep him in his prayers . We take the turn east on to 42nd Street , past Holy Cross Church , and at the southwest corner of 8th Avenue , he lets me out . I find the police station in the terminal . I speak to the desk sergeant , who asks me to take a seat and wait for the officer who will help me . She is very understanding and kind - she has heard this story before ( but it was never my story before ) . I give her a description of my father . I pull out the wallet - sized studio photo of my whole family that my brother had set up for Dad 's 80th birthday . She photocopies it . When she comes back , I tell her that the day we took the photo was the first time in twelve years that we had all been under the same roof . The only other picture I have of Dad in my wallet is the one from December 1972 , with him and Frank and me all dressed up for a gala dinner dance celebrating Our Lady of Sorrows ' 100th anniversary . In that picture , Dad is five years younger than I am now . I call my mom 's best friend , Thea , as I am leaving the police station - she works at the 110th Precinct in Corona , our old neighborhood . She still lives next door to the house I grew up in , on 42nd Avenue . She will put the word out at the 110 , just in case Dad somehow finds his way " home " to Corona . As soon as her husband hears the news about my dad , he takes a folding chair downstairs and sets it up in front of his building . He will wait there until about midnight , until he is exhausted and has to go upstairs to sleep . He is determined that , if my father comes walking down 42nd Avenue , he will intercept him and return him safely to Union , New Jersey . I won 't find this out for a while yet , but throughout the day , Frank has been trying to find ways to help me . Friday is one of his days at NYU 's School of Medicine , where he is the computer tech for a research group in the Psychiatry department . He has been asking the doctors who work there how he can best help me through whatever is coming . On his way home from work that Friday , he goes up to a police officer and tells him about my missing dad . The cop gives him an outline of what to expect and when , if Dad isn 't found on the first day . Frank is taking the long view ; he already knows that if Dad isn 't found before nightfall , the outcome is unlikely to be positive . When I get to Penn , I stop into the police station on the Long Island Railroad concourse , and tell them my story . They are very kind and , as the Port Authority police did , they take down my information . I get on the 7 : 49 Port Washington train to go home . I get in at about twenty past eight . Frank has dinner waiting for me , keeping warm on the stove . I eat , we talk . Unless we hear something tonight or early tomorrow , I will go to New Jersey in the morning to search for Dad . I will be with Barbara , George , and Alyssa . They , and Glenn , and Alyssa 's boyfriend Kevin have walked the woods by the house and near the Washington School several times already to see if they can find any sign at all of Dad . After dinner , I turn on my computer . All of us sibs and spouses discuss next steps by email . Nancy and her husband , Chris , are thinking of coming up , but I think it 's better if they stay in Maryland for the time being . Their eleven - year - old son , Grant , still has another week or so of school . Nancy and Janet ( who lives two doors down from her , with her husband Walter and their four cats ) can make calls from home - they will call hospitals , senior centers , homeless shelters , soup kitchens , urgent care centers , clinics , and any other place they can think of to see if there are any John Does matching Dad 's description . My 88 year old dad wandered off from his home and has been missing since 8AM Friday morning . He was gone when his morning caregiver arrived . Our extended family and friends and the Union County police are looking for him . I visited the station at Port Authority and talked to the PA police ( just in case he got on a bus , but I doubt it ) . I notified a friend of mine who works in our old home precinct in Corona ( just in case he tries to go back " home " ) . My father has been missing for more than sixteen hours . It 's dark out . He is almost always cold , even on hot summer days . I try not to think about this . I do not succeed . Sometime between dawn and eight AM on Friday the eleventh of June , Tony Karabaic left his home to take a walk . He locked the inside door and the porch door . He didn 't set the alarm because sometimes he would forget how to make it stop . He walked down Huntington , made a left at the corner of Livingston , and walked down past Forest Drive to the shortcut path through the woods to Salem Road . At 8 : 10 that same morning , his morning caregiver , Vee the RN , arrived . She rang the bell ; no answer . She took out her key and let herself in . She stood in the living room and called his name ; no answer . He was hard of hearing ; maybe he just didn 't hear her . His tan corduroy recliner - its worn fringed throw flung haphazardly over it - was empty . The piles of papers on the coffee table were in the same places they were in yesterday . Nothing seemed to be disturbed . There was no radio on - maybe he wasn 't at home ? She would have to look . She walked into the dining room . His pajamas were draped over the back of a dining chair . That was good - the last time he went out for an early morning walk , he was wearing his pajamas and slippers . Vee went into the kitchen . No dishes in the sink or on the table , but the bowl and glass were in the dish drainer . Had he eaten his breakfast ? Where was he ? She glanced over to the kitchen table , to see if his pills were in the gold glass ashtray on the table . There were a couple left in there - she looked to see which ones they were . Good - the afternoon and evening doses of Sinemet , his Parkinson 's med . The morning dose , the Xalatan , and the Felodipine were gone . She walked out of the kitchen to check the small bedroom , where his granddaughter Alyssa 's toys and drawings were . The high - riser bed was made up , with its hand - crocheted afghan neatly tucked beneath the foam bunker cushions , the little stuffed cats and bears neatly arranged atop them . He sometimes took a nap here later in the day , but this bed hadn 't been slept on lately . He was nowhere to be seen . Vee went back into the living room , and up the stairs . She turned left at the top of the stairs , to look in his bedroom . The room reminded her of a monk 's cell , with its spartan twin bed , simple chest , and holy pictures on the wall . The bedsheets and blankets were rumpled ; the room bore the warm , heavy scent of sleep . Okay , it looked like he had spent the night here - that was something . She went into the master bedroom , where his late wife , Georgia , used to sleep . There were papers and envelopes neatly arranged on the white chenille bedspread , but no Tony . She looked in the little office . She looked in the extra bedroom where his kids slept when they stayed for the weekend . She entered the bathroom , pulled the shower curtain aside , checked the bathtub . She went down to the basement . Those stairs were so treacherous . She walked around , both hoping to find him , and hoping not to . But he wasn 't there . The clothes he had worn the day before were also on the dining room chairs . That was another good sign . That meant he definitely hadn 't left last night - Vee had probably just missed him . Maybe he went to the store . He liked bananas , and he 'd eaten his last brown one yesterday . She went back outside to see if he was in the yard . The car was still there , but that was because the battery had died two months ago , and his children had not wanted to replace it . No one wanted him to drive anymore . She 'd heard that they 'd already talked to him about selling the car to Alyssa 's boyfriend . Vee couldn 't get into the garage , but she knocked hard on the door , and then listened to see if she could hear anything inside . Nothing . Barbara had been through something just like this with Dad the week before . In the early morning of June 2nd , he showed up at Alyssa 's old school in his pajamas and slippers . The cops had brought him back home . Vee and Glenn drove for about a half hour , crisscrossing Union . They went to the cemetery - always the first choice . Until recently , no matter what the weather was , he visited Mom 's grave every single day . It had been almost five years . As soon as she got Vee 's text , Barb emailed me that Dad was missing from the house and that Vee and Glenn were out looking . Just before I saw this in my inbox , my husband Frank came into my studio to say we 'd had a missed call from a 908 number . I figured it had to be Vee checking in , so I called her , and that 's how I found out Dad was on the move and no one knew where . It was around nine when I called them - they had been so helpful the other three times this had happened - the policemen had found him and brought him home before any one of us ever knew he was lost . The UCPD dispatcher told me they would send someone to the house . I called Vee , and Glenn , and they went back to Dad 's to meet the cops . Today , Mom would have turned 90 years old . We lost her on July 18 , 2005 , after a brutal and harrowing couple of months that I covered here , here , here , and here . I am very fortunate that in her final years on this earth , I made my peace with her and she with me ; her last words to me were " I love you , you 're my prize . " A person can live happily for a long time on a memory like that . Spring is always about my mother ; when the snowdrops start to peek out of the cold ground , and crocuses begin to unfold , the forsythia blossoms bright yellow and the Bradford pears start their bridal march up Northern Boulevard , their white blooms wafting on the warming breezes , my mother is close by . She 's never too far - there are times when I imagine I see her face in the mirror overlaying my own - but she breaks out in the spring . It 's her birthday , Greek Easter , Mother 's Day , our first communions … spring is and always has been her season . When I was a teenager and then a young adult , and thought I knew everything about everything , we rubbed each other the wrong way , often . As stubborn as my mother was ( she was , after all , born on the cusp of Aries and Taurus ) , I could match her . We would yell and carry on ; she 'd forbid me to do one thing or another , and I would do it any way . I honed my passive - aggressive skills at her knee . Those battles were great training for life . It wasn 't until I was older , and we made our peace with each other , that I recognized what a boon her fighting spirit was to me . When I was young , I felt thwarted by her restrictions and demands and opinions ; in retrospect , I see that her fighting spirit was what made my life possible . I decided sometime around the fifth or sixth grade that I wanted to go to the High School of Art and Design . The twin sisters of a grade school classmate had been accepted to A & D , and when I heard about it , I wanted nothing more than to go to a school where I could draw all the time . I told my folks , and I think they were hoping I would get over it , the way I got over wanting to be a nurse ( when I was six ) or a Maryknoll Missionary nun ( when I was eight ) . Fast forward to eighth grade , and taking the diocesan placement tests in mid - autumn ( for the Catholic high schools ) ; my choices were Mater Christi ( where almost all my friends would go ) , The Mary Louis Academy ( where my close friend Carol was trying to persuade me to go ) , and St . Agnes ( where I REALLY did not want to go , but I needed to list three schools ) . I did very well on the test , and would have no problem going to the school of my choice . In January , I had the placement test and portfolio submission for the High School of Art & Design . I 'd worked on my portfolio all during my Christmas vacation with Our Lady of Sorrows ' third grade - and - art teacher , Miss Mary Biedermann . She helped me matte all my artwork while listening to Leonard Cohen songs ( a revelation ! ) and eating brie ( ditto ! ! ) . It was a glimpse of what a student artist 's life might be like and I was hungry for it . I wondered in later years if the nuns knew that Miss Biedermann had helped me ; she did so outside of class and on her own time , in her own home . I travelled by myself on the subway with my art and supplies in hand ; she picked me up in her car near Borough Hall on Queens Boulevard to take me to her place in Richmond Hill . I do not remember how or by whom the arrangements for all of this extracurricular activity were made . Miss Biedermann wasn 't even my teacher - my middle sister Nancy was in her third grade class - but , at some point , my parents had to be involved with the planning . I remember bringing home the day 's matted work and showing what I 'd done to my mom and dad ; I remember thinking they did not really understand what I was doing , but at least they were not fighting me . At that point , I don 't they thought I would get into A & D ; they knew I loved to draw , but I don 't know how talented they thought I was , or - even if I was talented enough - whether this was a path from which I could be diverted . There were no artists in my family ; there was no road map for them , or me , to follow . They were not sold on the idea of me being an artist … but time could change things , and anyway , maybe I wouldn 't get into A & D . It wasn 't over at OLS , though ; Sister Mary Dorothy was incensed by my choice . She called my home while I was in school to speak to my mother . She yelled at my mother , carried on about how my mother was letting me ruin my life , that I wasn 't old enough to make such a choice , and on and on ; she pulled every manipulative trick in the book to try to get my mother to change her mind , or better yet , change my mind for me . RT @ RogueSNRadvisor : Alex Jones has been to the Trump White House more than the Speaker of the House & Senate Majority Leader combined . Let … . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 hours ago |
Hey everyone - I 've been working on a novella but before I publish the full thing , I 'd love to get some feedback . I 'm going to share a portion of the story here and I 'd like to get your feeback . Is it good ? Do you want to keep reading this ? Criticism is WELCOME ! I do not want to publish something that stinks or no one wants to read haha . Please let me know what you think in the comments . Hope you enjoy it . Prologue Every man has at least one story that sums up his life . Some stories are harder to tell than others . Some come easy , the words etched forever in memory . Others are harder , stonier tales , ones meant for late dark evenings to be told closely at a voice only above a whisper . That is my story , the hard tale that doesn 't want to be spoken aloud . The story of my life starts with the story of how I killed my father and how everything collapsed . If I can start this story anywhere , I would have to start it from the first thing I can remember . It is not so much a distinct moment in my life . Nothing that , should it happen now , would leave little more than a lingering impression . This is one of those memories that you have to dig deep inside for . One that you can feel yourself working down through your mind , digging it up like stony ground . Something that even when you grasp it , it is like trying to cup water in your hand ; you get some part of it , but the rest slips through your fingers , and you can 't catch it . This memory starts out with an overwhelmingly bright light . The way your eyes get if you try and stare at the sun . This was how it was for me opening the door of our home . I can feel the chill on the air as it rushed over me as I looked out into the fresh fallen snow . I was standing on the porch in nothing but an oversized shirt that fell just below my knees . My feet were bare and slipped into the snow with a soft crunch . No one was around but me . I can 't remember if they were all sleeping or just weren 't paying attention . Either way it felt like I was the only one left . Like some force had come up in the night and stole everyone away . And that didn 't scare me . I felt comforted . Almost safe . The thought that I could wander on my own forever seemed attainable . And just as I felt like that might be true , I looked to the edge of the woods and there stood a man . He had a tan jacket and a large hat that stood up like something out of a Dr . Seuss book . I stared out at him , watching the steam from his breath rise above his head . He stood looking up to the tops of the trees with his hands on his hips , studying something that I couldn 't see . Then he dropped his arms suddenly and turned completely around , looking at me dead on . Our eyes locked on each other , as if we were both experiencing the same thing , but backwards . After a time , he raised his hand to me . I raised mine back . Then he turned back around and disappeared into the trees . I never told anyone about that , like it was some sort of sacred thing that would vanish forever if it left my lips . It would just pop up from time to time when I wasn 't expecting it to , and it would always make me feel sad . Not depressed mind you , but sad in the way a late afternoon on a Sunday can make you feel . Knowing the short time in which you get to live in your own terms is coming to an end . How we all feel about the fleeting nature of our existence . If I had the chance to live in one moment forever , I think that moment would be it . It was possibly the first and last time I was truly free . I did not have a before or after , just the distinct and brilliant present . I was nothing to anyone and everything to myself . No knowledge , no pain , no bliss . Just pure existence . But how fleeting that time is . I think we spend most of our lives searching for that moment again . Just for a taste of something so pure we would go to any length to retain it . But the journey to it would be a futile climb . It cannot be reproduced . You just get a carbon copy , degraded over time . The message is similar but hard to read . I wish it were easier to hope that we could get back there . I wish I could lie to myself enough to believe it . But that memory ended along with my untainted childhood . My name is Donald Debbs , and the story that follows is all true . This will also act as my will and testament and my confessional . I don 't plan to stick around much once this is all told . I 've been able to run for so long , and now I 'm tired of running . I want to rest , to be at peace . I may have done some terrible things , but even sinners deserve to die and meet that eternal sleep too . As for what lies beyond , I can 't say either way . I don 't think I 've had much use for God just as much as He hasn 't had much use for me . I think if there is one , He 's got a lot to explain to us all . Why he made us to be so complicated and terrible and if we are made in His image , just how horrible He must be . I like to think that there isn 't anything past this . That once we are done , that 's it . It is no sound , no light , no understanding . Everything just dark for the rest of eternity . There is comfort in that . The idea that we don 't have to be anything anymore . We can just cease to exist and our memory can dissolve and we can just go on forever like that . Even Heaven would become torturous after a while . I like my way much better . I was born in October of 1974 , the 5th to be exact . Nothing spectacular about it . Nothing was ever very spectacular in the place I was born into . We lived on the outskirts of a rural Pennsylvania town called Ridgway Hollow . We lived on 20 acres of farmland , seven miles out of town , toward the base of the Tuscarora mountains . If it sounds like nowhere , that 's because it was . The town , that you could call it even that , was not much to speak of . It held a grocery , an antique store , The First Presbyterian church , and two bars ; The Hearthstone Inn and The Ugly Dog ( which fit its name in sight and quality and also housed my father most nights of the week ) . On the outside looking in , this was about as quaint as you could get ; the ideal picture of small town America . Down to the residents sitting on their porches , the perfectly laid brick sidewalks , and at least one American flag for every 5 square feet . A town where everyone not only knew your name , but knew your business as well . Even when you live outside , they still know . Or they make it a point to find it out . Neighbors helping neighbors . More like , neighbors dropping in unexpectedly to stick their nose where it doesn 't belong . It was almost a guarantee that some underhanded gossip would be discussed directly after church let out on Sunday . And our town was religious . Very religious . Even our town 's welcoming sign read : But just like most religious towns , there was an undercurrent of something different that flowed beneath the surface . Something sinister . I would rush outside of church in the summer time and throw my jacket into the back of my father 's car , and watch as the old ladies with their blue hair would sneak out for cigarettes , and I 'd watch them whisper to each other and throw their heads back in laughter . Then their husbands would join them , not trying to hide their habits , they 'd clap each other on the backs , and tell jokes that started off with phrases like ' Do you know what they call a Pollock … . ' Or any other kind of colorful racial epitaph . And I 'd stand with my back against the tree and watch them all . Like I was observing some sort of alien species that had infiltrated our world . They looked just like me , even had some of the same habits as me , but I felt like they were sinister creatures underneath fake skins . I feared if I peered too close I would see something beneath that façade , something dark that didn 't want to be seen . The gossip was one thing , but it was more than just that . Most of it in my own family , but I can 't get to that just yet . But being a child afforded me an unseen presence . I could move between them undetected . I had heard them talk about something to do with an activity involving the basement of the church , and the true blood of the lamb . Those days it was easier to disappear . The motto of ' children are meant to be seen but not heard ' could have added the prefix ' unless I say ' to it . I spent as much time as possible away from my home as you 'll soon come to know why . Even though I was close at times with my younger brother Daniel , I also preferred to keep to myself . I found a spot in the woods near the bank of the creek that I was able to turn into a little fort . I would keep it covered in pine boughs and would keep some comic books in a Ziploc bag . But mostly I would come out there just to sit and watch . Watch the woods , watch the creek , watch life moving forward . It was the closest I ever felt to spirituality , more than I had ever felt in the Sunday school class of Miss Anderson who liked to scare the younger kids with stories of gnashing teeth and wailing souls . Something about being out there , the quiet stillness , just felt right to me . It felt like the world wanted me there . It was the direct opposite of what I felt when I was around man - made structure or even other people . It still sends a chill down my spine when I feel a storm coming on . The world takes on an eerie stillness right before it unleashes its fury . You can feel the electricity in the air , almost as if you are breathing it into your lungs , like setting yourself on fire . But above everything else it is the quiet that is the worst part of it . Like something waiting to grab you if you dare make a sound , it has a sentient presence to it . I think what really bothers me the most about it is that it reminds me , more than anything now , of my father . Even though I can still picture the man in my mind , nothing feels more like who he was then that still before a raging storm . To him ; my brother and I were nothing more than accessories for his use , though he treated his farm equipment better than us . He was proud of his things , not his children . While he normally regarded us with disinterest , that reaction could always be changed at the drop of a hat to unbridled anger . Just like the on - coming storm you could tell the shift in the air . His hatred towards us radiated off him like some dark aura . His eyes would glaze over and a monster would replace what little of a man there was underneath that skin . His brow would scrunch up and his lips would pull back exposing his tobacco - stained teeth . It made him look like some sort of rabid dog , and I guess in a way that was true . Usually my brother was able to escape his fury . That 's not to say that he didn 't end up father 's target more than once ; but normally it was me that drew his ire . I don 't know if it was the way I looked , or my voice , or just the fact that I was smaller and easier for him to overpower . Whatever it was that made him hate me so fiercely made my life hell . I knew enough to try and hide when I could feel his wrath coming on , but he always seemed to know exactly where I would be . I would race around the house , and he 'd be right there , waiting for me . His arms were like pistons that would shoot out and pull back before you could move . I would feel his grip on my arm , and as soon as those fingers would dig into my skin , I knew I was done . Without a word , he would turn and pull me toward the barn . Sometimes I could walk on my own , but mostly he would drag me , once pulling my arm out of my socket . The barn was built by my grandfather . My father inherited it when he died , years before I was born . We were never allowed to go in it without our father around . We were only permitted inside when he needed an extra hand or when his temper took control of him . Mostly we were in there because of the latter . He had a routine during these times . First he would throw the barn door open with one hand , and the other hand would pick us up and toss us onto the floor like a sort of human shot put . I 'll never forget slamming into the ground , the smell of hay and dust filling my nose , and tensing up in anticipation for the slam of the door going shut and his hands on my throat . He was strong and the anger made him stronger . I could feel the ridges of his calloused hands as he pushed his thumb into my windpipe , taking my breath away . I would gasp for air while he lifted me off my feet and walked me over one of the barn 's support beams . Once or twice he held on to my neck a little too tight and a little too long and I would pass out . I did my best to keep conscious throughout it , because when I did pass out , it made him furious that he had to worry that he might be found out if he went too far . When he got me over to the beam , I knew the routine . Put my head down and wrap my arms around the beam . He would grab a rope from the hay loft , the kind of rope that has long fibrous strands that dug into my skin like splinters . He would wrap it around my hands so tight that the blood would pool in my fingers , making them look like the sausages my mother would serve for breakfast on Sundays before church . Once I was tethered to the post , he would shove a rag into my mouth . Sometimes I would be lucky and it would be clean , but mostly it would be stained with oil or gasoline and my eyes would sting from the fumes and shortly after the tears . I could never bring myself to look at him while he was hitting me . I was too afraid that if I caught his eyes I would see the devil himself . That or he would be so furious that I was looking for some sort of sympathy that he would kill me . His belt would crack over me again and again . The storm had come and this was the strike and the thunder . He would grunt with each hit like he was expelling evil from his body . The worst feeling was the way that blood would soak into my clothes , making them stick to my back . I would just stare down into the floor , memorizing the pattern in the grain of the wood , and wait for the storm to pass . When he finished , I could hear him panting like he was exhausted . I 'd listen for the rattle of his belt as he wrapped it back around his waist . He would then untie my hands and pull the rag from my mouth . Once I gagged and vomited on the floor and he rubbed my face in my own putrid mess . He was never in the running for father of the year . I would hobble into the house after it was all over . My mother would pretend to busy herself with something in the kitchen , or scraping at some invisible spot of dust as I would make my way up the stairs to my room . When he first started in on me , she used to sneak in and comfort me , but he put a stop to that one night when he pushed her down the stairs and broke her collar bone . After that she barely spoke to me at all . For as long as I knew her , she was a passive woman . But that was mainly due to the way my father treated her . I had seen a picture of her as a young woman once . She wasn 't beautiful exactly , but had such a genuine loving smile on her face . One I had never been accustomed to seeing . My father had sucked any compassion or joy from her long before my brother and I had come along . I think mostly that my father had us to trap her there . When we were growing up , a woman raising children on her own was frowned upon , and she could kiss most chances of remarrying goodbye . I think he knew all that and planted his seed in her without her approval in effort to keep her locked down to him . By the time my brother came along , any happiness in her had died . I can 't remember her ever kissing him or even holding him with a loving mother 's embrace . I once saw her breastfeed him , and the look on her face while he suckled from her was one of disgust and apathy . She looked like a sow in the mud , completely oblivious to the runts trying desperately to get a drop . Before long she had stopped caring about either of us . We would come home from school to plates of cold food left at an empty table . She would sit on the porch , looking wistfully out to the corn fields . I can 't say that I blame her , in fact if anyone in my family deserves pity or forgiveness , it is my mother . I can 't imagine what horrors that woman had to face , how she could stand my father 's stinking breath on her neck as he would thrust away on top of her . I could hear them some nights , his low grunting and the sound of the bed creaking above my room , and then his loud snores filling the silent void of the house . On more than one occasion I could hear her low sobbing mixed in between . So it was no surprise when I came home to find her gone one day . Our bus dropped us off at the end of a long dirt road that led up to our house . Most days I would run home , in hopes that I could get in and rush to my room , pretending to have more homework than I truly did . But the day my mother went missing , I had taken my time . It was late September and the evenings had begun to cool . That day the clouds had hung in the sky like a painting and I couldn 't help but stare straight up at them , making myself dizzy in the process . I had lost my footing and tripped off the road into a puddle of mud , ruining the one nice pair of pants my parents had spent some real money on . My heart absolutely sank inside my chest , knowing this would result in yet another trip to the barn . I tried and tried to rub the mud off my clothes , but it was no use . I thought perhaps if I could just make it into the house quick enough , I could rush up the stairs to my room and change quickly . I could take the pants into the bathroom later and wash the mud off . When I made it over the last hill to where the house was visible , I could automatically see my father standing on the porch . The closer I got I could see he was holding a dark brown bottle in his hand , probably the big bottle of whiskey he kept hidden underneath the bathroom sink . I watched as he took a long swig off the bottle as I made my way toward the house . I knew I was fucked . He would see the stain and that would be it for me . He 'd probably open my back up this time again , and leave yet another scar I would have to explain in the shower after gym . I stopped short of the porch where he was standing , waiting for that look in his eye , or for him to bound down the stairs and put his hand around my throat . But he didn 't . He just stood there looking at me , but also past me , like he was looking at nothing and everything all at the same time . I stood completely still for what felt like an hour , like a man who just stumbled upon a rattlesnake den directly below his feet . " Your mother , the whore you fell out of . She up and left us , boy . Probably out there now with her legs spread for Emmitt Perkins , because that is the type of disgusting cunt she is . " " Take the fuckin ' corn out of your ears you piece of shit , you know exactly what I said . How fuckin ' stupid are you ? She never loved me or you or your brother for that matter . I come home from the fields today and all her shit was gone . Like a goddamn ghost , she just up and vanished . I knew this day was comin ' for a long time . She been takin ' little trips every day , probably laying down with half the town of Cornerstone . Hell , I even see her makin ' the eyes at the pastor . Believe me , I did . " I wasn 't even standing next to him , but I could smell the alcohol coming off of him . It was the same sour smell on his breath when he would lay into me out in the barn . Hearing this news didn 't make me sad , I knew it was only a matter of time before she left , or he killed her . At the time he told me I still couldn 't be sure which one . " Boy , my days of givin ' a shit what she does are long gone . I aint doin ' a goddamn thing for that bitch again " he kept using these words , I think just to hurt me . " All I gotta say is she best not show her face here again , or I 'll knock her teeth out the back of her skull " With this he put his head back , pulled up a wad of pleghm , and spit it onto the porch floor . I knew one thing for sure : that she would not show up here again . For a while I kept thinking that I would run into her in town , or that she might send a letter to me somehow . But I also think I knew deep down that I was just lying to myself , hoping at least part of her cared enough to reach out . But I don 't blame her either . She was the smart one . She left and she never looked back . I like to imagine that she hitched a ride with some nice dressed man who smelled of good cologne . And that she told him to just drive , and that they did , until the sun came up the next day . Her sleeping on his shoulder even when the first rays of the morning sun shone upon her face . I never did see her after that day . I think now I just hope that she forgot about us , lied to herself enough to believe that we were just a bad dream , the kind that fades only minutes after you wake up . For a few weeks after she left , my father stayed to himself . Locking himself up in the barn for days and nights . I 'd make my brother breakfast and dinner , and at night I 'd push my dresser in front of our room , hoping he 'd stay out there . I didn 't sleep much those first few weeks , and I 'd lay awake looking out my window at the lights flickering in the barn . I 'd open the window , letting in a cool blast of air , wondering what was going on out there . There was nothing but the darkness and the silence . But that silence only lasted for so long . One morning as I was leaving for the school , he was there , out in the field . I couldn 't tell what he was doing out the frosted kitchen window , but I could see his familiar shape . I slowly opened the door , letting in a cold blast of early autumn air . A chill ran down my back as my eyes locked on the man . He was sitting on top of a fence post , looking out into the corn that had yet to be harvested . I think if I ever truly felt sympathetic towards him it was in this moment . There was something in the way that the wind was hitting him , blowing through his hair that made him look like a child then . That and the way he stared off into the distance like he was lost . I guess he was . I tried to slip outside without him noticing me , but the doors in that house were old and hadn 't been tended to in a long time , so it opened with a loud creek that couldn 't be stopped as I walked to the porch . I looked up as the door shut behind me , and he had turned to face me . The sympathy I felt moments earlier disappeared as I saw his face and the hatred in his eyes had returned . I could feel them burning into me , like staring into the sun for too long and going blind . We sat there , motionless , staring at each other . Even though he was far enough away , I could swear that he hadn 't blinked once . I knew that if I didn 't make the first move , he would soon hop off that fence and make his way toward me . So I broke my stare first and hurriedly made my way down the path to the road . I felt his eyes on my back as I walked down the road , half expected him to come run me down , and squeeze the life out of me on the cold , hard ground . I spent the whole day dreading my return home . I knew he would be waiting for me . I knew the barn would be waiting for me . To my utter surprise that did not come when I returned home . The house was empty of both my father and Jonathan . I peeked my head through the front door and waited for his thunderous voice to come from the living room , but instead there was nothing but silence from inside . It was an eerie feeling at the time . I had spent the day girding myself against what I expected would come when I walked through the door , that I didn 't know how deal with the emptiness . It was a feeling I would eventually come to embrace over time . I think we put too much belief into things like community and that sense of being one with people around us . I 'm not saying it is necessarily a bad thing , but I think we don 't know what to do with silence any more . There were nights before it got too bad where I 'd lay out underneath the stars for the longest time . I didn 't know much at the time about astronomy , or did I care . There was just something so simple and beautiful about that type of loneliness . When I didn 't have to be afraid , or worried about keeping up an appearance . I could virtually disappear into the darkness . And boy was it dark down there on the ground , so dark that it made the night sky burst into an amazing show . The sky was so large and expansive that I felt I could see the very curve of the Earth and could watch it slowly spinning . There is something about growing up that makes you forgot about things like that , you take it for granted and disregard what is right in front of you all the time , but you 've just become to jaded to recognize it 's wonder . I don 't know where dad and John were that night , I never asked . They came in way after dark , and by the time I heard dad pull the door shut , I had the light off in my room and was looking out the window in that darkness . I heard his footsteps come up the stairs and stop right in front of my bedroom door . He paused there for a long time as I lay breathlessly watching , waiting for that door to swing back and the light from the hall to blind me as he stormed into the room . But again , that did not happen that night . I watched as the shadows from his boots turned left , and walked on . Two years passed . Two years in which I learned to make myself invisible . It wasn 't as hard as it would seem . The biggest challenge was turning inward as much as possible . I had to teach myself how to internalize most of my thoughts and feelings . I would speak the least amount of words that I could , at home and at school . My grades suffered because of it but I wasn 't interested in excelling in school anymore . I was all about self - preservation . I couldn 't really call it living but it was a way to go from day to day without the constant stress hovering over my head . The farm suffered in that time . My father was more interested in getting to the bottom of a bottle of whiskey than he was in making sure the fields and livestock ( or his children ) were taken care of . We made enough to keep the house , but there were more than many nights that we all went hungry . Once the coal stove broke down and we spent the night out in the barn with a burn barrel fire to keep us warm . These years were hard , but I had not been prepared for what was to come ahead . When I turned sixteen I was given the opportunity to get my driver 's license . Any kid who has grown up on a farm has driven a truck by the time their feet could reach the pedals . I passed my test with ease and was then tasked with picking up all the food and running errands on my days off ( between managing what little of the farm we had left ) . Sometimes , I would think about driving off and never returning , just like Mom probably had done . But I couldn 't do that to my brother . As much as I hated this life , I couldn 't let him down . He needed me there even if all I was a buffer ; I couldn 't imagine what would go on if I wasn 't there . Being sixteen the beatings had not stopped entirely , but I was strong then and most of the time he was too drunk to care . I had taken on the majority of the work from him , and he knew if he took me out of commission it would be up to him to do the work . He had gotten fat and weak . He barely left his chair anymore , only getting up to piss , and sometimes by his smell , I doubted he even did that anymore . Once , while going into town to get groceries , I was stopped by one of the ladies who used to go to church with us . Mrs . Bucher was a nice woman , but not too nice . The kind of person you are never quite sure is genuine or just playing pretend . But from my short meetings with her she had always been kind to me and my brother , slipping us old hard candy from her purse after church let out . She saw me coming down the sidewalk and had waved from a distance , flagging me down in a way I couldn 't pretend to not notice . She half jogged across the street to meet me , her hideous flower - print sundress flapping against her legs as she strode . I thought for a moment how I had hoped that a car would have slammed into her while she came across the street , and how I would watch her body tumble down the road so I could slip away from this oncoming conversation . I instantly hated myself for thinking that . I didn 't even dislike the woman . But I had grown accustomed to keeping any sort of communication to an absolute minimum . When she reached me , I heard her take a long breath into her lungs , and I could hear a rattle as she did . She reached out to me and took my hand in hers . It felt the way your fingers do after sitting in the tub for a long time , almost the same way the skin of a corpse does if you dare to touch them at a viewing . ' Oh I 'm certain you have , son . I just had noticed that I haven 't seen you or your brother and father out at the church in quite some time . You know that we do say a prayer for your family quite often , we 'd love to see y ' all back there again soon ! ' ' You know that I never did get a chance to tell you how sorry I am for what happened with your mama . I know how much a boy at your age still needs his mother . Just a shame , just a , and pardon my expression here , but it was a damn shame what she did to you boys . ' ' Now , I do not want you to think that I am trying to pry into your life , that isn 't my place , and Heaven knows I 'd want to talk to your father if he would ever come around , but I just need to make sure that you are all ok . Word has been going around that your daddy has been sick for a while . " She lowered her voice to a whisper for her next words . " Sick from the bottle . Now , don 't you feel bad about that Donnie ; that is not your fault . Your daddy has a lot on his mind and I 'm sure he is hurting real bad . But I want to tell you ' she lowered her voice and leaned into my face ' I want to tell you that I have an uncle who had the same problem . He didn 't want to admit it , but the Lord could see through that , and you know we were able to get him healed by the blood of the lamb . Now he 's got himself a good job up in Vermont , and put his whole life of the path of Jesus . ' ' I know you say that son , but we are concerned about you . If you need something , all you have to do is ask . That is what your neighbors are for ! We could come out and help around the house . I know some of the ladies and I would be happy to get you boys a home - cooked meal sometime . I 'm sure you miss that , and believe you me , it would not be a problem . ' ' Thank you Mrs . Bucher . I promise you that we are doing alright . My father doesn 't have a drinking problem , and we are able to take care of ourselves just fine . ' She recoiled at this , as if I had stabbed her . ' Well son , you know I didn 't mean anything by it . I 'm just doing my Christian duty to try and help those less fortunate . There is no reason for you to get snippy at me . You should be thankful that someone out here cares for you like we do . ' ' Ma ' am , I 'm not being rude to you . If you really want to do something for my family , you 'd do best to just leave us out of your thoughts and prayers . We 've had enough of those , and frankly , they have done jack shit for us . ' When I got home that evening carrying three bags of groceries , I was met almost immediately with a fist to the back of my head . It dropped me right into the edge of the island . The groceries went flying onto the ground . As I was falling I could see oranges dumping onto the ground for a moment . Then I hit it head on and blacked out . When I came to I was being dragged toward the front door . My eyes were stinging and I could feel blood dripping off the tip of my nose . My head felt like it was on fire as my body was still limp . The next thing I knew , I was being lifted even higher and then tossed . I went backwards down the steps , landing on my back . I looked up and saw my father standing above me , seething , like he was about to breath fire and roast me alive . Blood was pooling in my eyes and I lifted my arm to wipe them clear . As my arm brushed across my head , I felt the burning intensify again . I could also feel the disgusting sensation of a fold of skin being moved aside and smacking down . I knew without seeing it that my head had been split . I could hear my brother screaming from behind my father saying ' Daddy , don 't kill him , please daddy , don 't kill him ! ' His scream scared me more than thinking about the damage that had been done to my head . I think he knew if something didn 't stop him , my father would kill me . Right there on the back steps , I would take my last breath , and then he 'd be left alone with the man . He stood on the steps glaring down at me , breathing so heavy and hard I thought his lungs might burst . Then he turned around , walked inside and slammed the door . I looked up into the sky and that 's when I decided that I had to kill him . There was no getting around that . No one would save us . No one would come . He had come close , and had my brother not been there , I would have been dead , and he would probably give my brother the same story he had given me about mom . I knew that if I didn 't do something soon , he would . Any part of him that had once been a man was now gone . He was nothing but a monster . A disturbed creature with a hair pin trigger , one that was looking for any reason at all to go off . I didn 't know how I would do it , I didn 't know and I didn 't care . I would have been glad to fry in the county jail as long as it meant he was unable to poison this world any longer . But I did know one thing that I wanted from his death . One thing that I knew was indisputable and had to happen . If the man deserved anything it was this : it had to be long . Long and painful . Though I had resolved that night that I had to kill him , I also had no idea how I would do it . After I had spent time in the bathroom cleaning up the wound ( which I almost passed out doing ) , I went directly up to bed , even though it was still early in the evening . When I passed by the living room , I could hear dad slurping up a cold one , and the tv was blaring some wrestling match . He never checked on me . Hell , he barely moved to look at me as I stomped up the stairs to my room . This fueled the rage in me even more that he couldn 't even be bothered to acknowledge the gaping wound in his son 's head . That night , I lay in bed , eyes glued to the ceiling , barely blinking . I wanted him to suffer for all of his sins . To feel the punishment he deserved for all the terror and agony he had brought upon my family . I knew I would need to incapacitate him . There had to be a fool proof way to ensure that once I had him trapped , there was no way that he could escape . The first thought I had was to shoot him in the legs . We were far enough from anyone else that gunshot would probably not even be heard , and if they were , someone would probably just think it was a hunter taking down a buck . The problem with this idea was that I was never a good shot to begin with . Countless times that I had gone out hunting , I had typically missed . The best shot I had was hitting a groundhog just below the eye , but that was a fluke . I was terrible , too shaky when it came to pulling the trigger . I might have considered it had we owned a shotgun , but the only gun we had currently was a . 22 that was collecting dust in the attic . A shotgun gives even a poor marksman a chance , a rifle is not so forgiving . I knew if I didn 't take him down with the first shot , he 'd have a hold of me in a moment and probably snap my neck , or with my luck , bludgeon me to death with the goddamn rifle . Then my mind went to the sledgehammer we kept out back for knocking down fence posts . One heavy swing of that thing to a kneecap would take down even the largest fellow . I did have the strength to pull off a crushing blow . Like I said , I had spent those past years growing into my own , and along with that , gaining quite a bit of muscle . I sat in bed with a grin plastered on my face thinking about the old man walking through the door unaware , just like I was this evening , and BAM , I would appear around the corner . He would only see the blur of the hammer as I swung it like some Greek god I had learned about in school . Then I would feel his legs crumble and give way under my power . I imagined his look of surprise on his face , as he would stare up at his oldest son with an expression that read ' How did he beat me ? ' As much as the idea of this excited me , it also terrified me . I didn 't like the idea of putting this first part of my plan directly in my hand . I didn 't want any margin of error . I couldn 't allow for any chance to not be able to fulfill this obligation . As soon as I thought that , I also thought that I did not want this being traced back to me in some way . My brother would do no good with his entire family gone . If the cops did come to take care of his body , they definitely would know that it was no accident with his legs crushed like that . It wouldn 't do . There had to be another way . I lay in silence until the rest of the house went quiet as well . And in that cold , dark silence an idea came to me . An idea that was so perfect and grotesque that I sometimes wonder if the Devil didn 't whisper it to me himself . Reply urbannight says : 05 / 27 / 2014 at 1 : 07 pm I got through half of it , mostly because I 've been very busy , but it is good . I didn 't like the style in the first few paragraphs . It took until chapter 2 to ' hook ' me , but now I really want to know the rest of it . Reply fernandorafael says : 05 / 30 / 2014 at 12 : 43 am I don 't know if this will help at all ( maybe as motivation ) but I have no comments other than I freakin ' loved it ! Seriously , can 't wait to read what 's coming next . I was hooked instantly . You 're a gifted writer , Seth . fencingwithink says : 06 / 03 / 2014 at 5 : 09 pm Okay , I finally got through reading the whole thing and I really liked it . It was engaging and exciting , and it ended on a great teaser . I just like a lot of the observations and little details . It 's slow without being sluggish , yet quick without being frantic , so that 's a great balance and I 'm very curious to see what happens next . Keep it up , bro . Reply Jessica says : 06 / 06 / 2014 at 10 : 47 am This was incredible . I cannot wait to read more . You had me hooked from the beginning ! You 're a very talented writer . Reply table9mutant says : 06 / 07 / 2014 at 11 : 57 am This was great , Seth ! Is there no end to your talent , man ? ! Will you be posting the rest ? I want to know what happens now ! : ) Reply kloipy says : 06 / 07 / 2014 at 10 : 13 pm Thank you so much ! I 'm going to publish the rest o amazon when I get it finished . I 'll be sure to get you a copy for free Reply table9mutant says : 06 / 08 / 2014 at 5 : 45 am Yes ! That would be awesome ! : ) Victor De Leon says : 06 / 10 / 2014 at 6 : 49 pm Oh man , I totally forgot to comment the other night after I read this ! So sorry … There is so much that I want to get into with this . I will try and get to you this week with an email but I just want to say that this ruled . I was very impressed and totally immersed in the mysterious prose and depth you established . Chapter 2 starts powerfully and the first paragraph is so gripping as is so much more of this . Stunning work and I will get into more detail with what I felt really worked and the way you ended it was pretty effective , man . Very good work . You have talent , Sir . Thanks for sharing and I will catch up with you , I promise ! Reply kloipy says : 06 / 11 / 2014 at 8 : 17 am Thank you so much Vic ! I can 't wait to hear all your thoughts on it so far . I 'll definitely send you the full story when I get it completed . Thanks so much for reading it Reply kloipy says : 07 / 29 / 2014 at 6 : 41 pm yeah . That 's part of the issue . Have to get through the rewrite process . Though I 'm stuck at the moment Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I haven 't posted any stories in awhile . I guess I 've just been too busy drooling over big rigs ( 18wheelbeauties . blogspot . com ) to come up with fiction ; ) There is a lot of fiction yet to be posted . . . and even more so , there is a lot of fiction yet to be written ! The one I 'm posting now is kind of a simple story that I wrote a few years ago . It wasn 't my first short story , but it was certainly one I wrote at a time when my stories were simpler and my critical eye was a bit more blurry . . . or untrained : ) . I could probably go through it now and update it , make it better . . . make it less cheesy ( cause it is full of cheese . . . ) , fix grammar and other errors that I couldn 't spot then but I can spot now . . . . but I won 't . It 's kind of neat for me to go back and read my old stories , I like to keep them the way they were . . . if I want to mess with it , I 'd rather write something new . The big menacing airplane rolled out onto the runway and Kathleen 's eyes were tearing up as she looked out the tiny window . It was a sad day . The gray sky was a reflection of her inner self . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the black asphalt , each drop shattered into another thousand tears as if this sorrow would never end . Next to her sat Alex . His face was pale like an undead and stood in deep contrast to his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , knowing that there was no way she could provide comfort for his broken heart at this time . She had just buried her best friend and he had buried his fiancé . It was possibly the worst day in their lives . " Thank you for coming with me . " She was lost in daydreams and jumped at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she smiled . " Besides , it 'll be fun to try something new . " " You understand everything , " he smiled , but the smile did not reach his eyes . The " fasten seatbelt " sign lit up , and she knew they were approaching their destination . She heard a soft thump as the wheels on the plane hit the asphalt . They were taxing in towards the terminal , and all the passengers started milling around in the narrow aisles , making the huge Boeing feel entirely too small . Kathleen looked out the window , and was facing the same view she had just left behind , a gray and rainy day . They hailed a cab and headed for the hotel , where they would be staying until they had found somewhere to live . She was left standing in the hallway , watching him walk down the corridor towards his room . His shoulders were shaking and she knew he was crying . She felt helpless . " Are you sure ? " He nodded . " I 'm sure . No sense in wasting your money on hotels . " Then a sly grin spread on his face . " Besides , I need someone to help me decorate and carry furniture . " " Watch it so you don 't drop it ! " Kathleen was standing on the top of the stairs carrying one end of a loveseat and Alex was at the bottom , lifting the other end . Luckily he lived on the first floor . " Ok , you can move now , " he hollered . " Let 's get this sucker in . " They had been visiting furniture stores all day . Since they had both sold everything before moving to Seattle , there were no boxes to carry and unpack , but they had to do a lot of shopping . Finally the last piece for the day was in place . Alex had a bed , a couple of couches and a TV . The rest would slowly get purchased as needed . " I love you Alex , " she said . " Love you too Kat , " he smiled and gave her a big warm bear hug . " How long has it been now ? 10 years ? " " Let 's see , I hit you in the forehead with that baseball in seventh grade . I hate to break it to you but we 're getting old . It has been more like 15 years , " she stated . " Sounds good to me , " Alex agreed . However , after having moved couches and TVs all day , they had barely turned on the new TV and eaten about three french - fries , before they were both curled up and sound asleep on the couch . Seattle was starting to feel like home . Kathleen woke up early the next morning , and Alex was still asleep . Gently she ran her fingers through his soft hair . He mumbled something in his sleep and she quietly got up from the couch so she wouldn 't wake him . She walked across the floor and sat down in the windowsill . It was still dark outside . Cold morning draft was seeping in through a crack in the window , giving her goose bumps . A car was coughing in the distance as its owner desperately tried to start it up to get to work . The echo of a loud car alarm sounded from a nearby garage , doing its best to wake up the neighborhood , while outside the window , a group of crows was debating loudly over who would get the first morning worm . The streetlights were still lit , but it was getting brighter outside by the minute , and soon a hazy fog had replaced the darkness and the day had begun . It had been crazy , this decision to move away to a random city and start over . Neither her nor Alex had left much behind in Florida , and neither of them had ever really liked it down there . They had just accepted that it was where they were born , where they grew up and most likely it would be where they would die . However , Suzan 's death had sparked some thoughts and they had concluded that they did not want to die in Florida . They would rather live somewhere else . One night they had pulled out a map of the USA and studied all 50 states and hundreds of cities to see where they would like it the best . Although Hawaii had been tempting , they had finally decided on Seattle . Like Alex had said : " If we move to Hawaii , then where would we go on vacation ? " Kathleen sighed and got up from the windowsill . She stumbled in to the kitchen and started cooking up breakfast . The smell of eggs and bacon cooking on the grill woke Alex up , and soon they were having their own breakfast feast in his new apartment . " This is nice , " Alex smiled . " I love this place already . " " Alex . " At the sound of his name , he looked up at her . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " Sometimes I just miss her so much . " " Don 't be sorry , " Kathleen said and sat down on the couch next to him . " Just cry . It 's good for you . " He put his head on her shoulder and she felt his tears soaking through her sweater , making it wet . Deep inside , Kathleen felt slightly selfish . She kept thinking that this moment had ruined her good news . Not only had she found a place to live , but also she had found a job in a pet store nearby and had been thrilled . However , the moment had passed , and yet again they were wrapped up in tears and depression all night long . " Kat , this is a palace ! " Alex saw her place for the first time . Kathleen had found a quaint little house for rent , and would pay about as much for it as Alex was paying for his one - bedroom apartment . " See ? Does it pay off to be a little picky ? " She flew up the concrete stairs and unlocked the front door . This house had a backyard , two bedrooms , two bathrooms , a good - sized living room and a 1 - car garage . Of course , neither of them had a car yet but it was good to have a storage place . " I know , " she said . She put her knife down and turned around . " I 'm going to miss you too , " she said and embraced him from behind . " But we 'll be alright . " He left the steaks cooking and turned around to face her . She looked up into his deep brown eyes . His face approached hers and she closed her eyes . Seconds later she felt his lips touching hers in a soft kiss . When it was over , she opened her eyes again and looked at him . " Nothing , not even a tingle . " He sighed and continued with his steaks . " It just goes to prove , we 're meant to be friends for life you and I Kat , " he said . " Alex ! Stop ! Enough already , " Kathleen was getting frustrated . " She 's dead ! She 's gone ! We all miss her . I wish every day that she wouldn 't have gone out for a drive , but she did , and she got hit and killed . It happened ! She wants us to move on Alex , you and I are still alive . " " So you just want me to pretend that I don 't miss her and just be happy ? You don 't want a crybaby along on the ride ? " His words were harsh and made no sense . " That 's a low blow Alex , I 've been here for you , comforting you , going out of my way trying to make you feel better . Never once did you stop to comfort me , you act like you 're the only one in the world who is allowed to grieve ! She was my friend too you know , I miss her too . We all have bad days and good days , but every time we 're having fun you seem to be feeling guilty , and then you ruin it , you poke a hole in the balloon . " She paused for a moment then she continued . " Now we moved out here to break up and get away . That doesn 't mean we 're not thinking about her , but we 're alive and she 's dead Alex , we need to move on . Now if you 'll excuse me , I think I 'll leave this hole of depression , walk over to my own place and let you wallow in self - pity . I 've had it ! " Blinded by tears she fumbled around the apartment for her keys and some clothes , then she left . Slowly she walked along the sidewalk , sobbing and wiping her eyes . After having walked around for a while , she realized that she was lost . She found a payphone and called for a cab , which took her to her new house . Finally she was home . She was in her new house and she should feel ecstatic . Instead , Alex had yet again destroyed her moment , and it was the last time she would let it happen . Harsh words had been spilled that night , and their relationship never turned back to the way it had been . Alex never said he was sorry , never admitted that maybe he had been a little selfish and eventually they drifted apart . Kathleen knew she had been brutally honest with him , but she wasn 't taking it back . Maybe being apart for a while was for the best . Maybe she had reminded him too much of a happy past , when Suzan had still been alive . Maybe he subconsciously had waited for their friendship to fall apart so he wouldn 't have to be reminded of Suzan every time they were together . Even worse , he had implied that he wished Kathleen could have taken Suzan 's place . It had hurt her incredibly , and she had not been able to wipe that comment from her memory . Almost a year passed by and despite their fight and the angry words they had thrown at each other , Kathleen missed Alex deeply . Whether she was out having fun with her new friends or sitting home alone , she wished he were there . She had no clue what he was doing , who he was with , if he was with anybody at all . However , she was determined on leaving him alone . When he was ready , he would call . But she waited and waited . He didn 't call . Not for Christmas , not for her birthday and not for Valentine 's Day . It was the loneliest year she could ever remember . One night while walking some garbage out to the alley , she heard strange noises coming from her trashcan . She didn 't know if she dared to open the trashcan , but in order to dump her trash she was forced to open it . She saw nothing unusual at first . Then she must have jumped about ten feet in the air when one of the bags started moving around . Carefully she picked it up and replaced it with her own garbage bag . It was dark already , so she brought the bag inside . As she peeked into the bag , she started to cry . Gently she pulled out three tiny adorable puppies . One was all white while the other two were black and white . One of the puppies started whimpering , and soon the other two followed his lead . " You must be starving , " she said and felt terrible since she didn 't have anything for them to eat . She found some chicken broth , which she heated up and fed to them , and it seemed to satisfy their appetite . Then she found a cardboard box where they could sleep for the night . " I 'll take you to work tomorrow . I 'm sure I can find all three of you a good home , " she whispered while tucking them in . " Good night guys . " She must have been asleep for five minutes when she heard some ruckus outside her bedroom door . She flew out into the living room , only to discover the white puppy sitting in the middle of a dirt pile , as he had torn one of her plants down from the table . His white paws were dirty as was the tip of his white snout , and his dark beautiful puppy eyes looked pleadingly at her . " Aw shucks , I forgive you , " she muttered as she scooped up the puppy and carried him in to the bedroom with her . Gently she wiped his paws off and they curled up in her bed and fell asleep . " Sure you forgot him , " one of her colleagues teased her . " You better take some dog food home . Judging from the size of their paws , you can be glad you work for a pet store . " " I have no idea . Something big , " her colleague replied and Kathleen sighed . There was no way she had the heart to part with the white puppy , it seemed like the two of them were meant for each other . They had been brought together for a reason . On her way home from work , Kathleen stopped by a bookstore to find a book on raising puppies . A cozy smell of paper and new books greeted her warmly as she walked in the door . She took a deep breath and let the scent sink in . It felt soothing and relaxing , and she fought an instant temptation to sit down with a book and a Starbucks coffee . Casually she started browsing through the shelves , pulling out an occasional book to read their back covers . " It 's you ! " they exclaimed , both at the same time . " How have you … " They both started talking simultaneously again then they stopped and burst out laughing . " How have you been , " he said with a warm smile . " Good , " she replied . Alex looked great . He looked better than she ever remembered seeing him . " No I 'm glad I stuck to my guns in the beginning and resisted temptation to move back , even when things fell apart with you and I . I 'm happy here and I love the weather . I really think they exaggerate about the rain here . Do you think it rains a lot ? But then again I don 't mind it when it rains … " Kathleen was going on and on about her thoughts on Seattle , before she interrupted herself and turned slightly red . " I 'm sorry , " she said with a smile . " I 'm sure this is not very interesting . " She had no idea why she all of a sudden felt so awkward . This was Alex , her old friend … at least she thought they were still friends , even though they hadn 't seen each other for a long time . " So you 're looking for something to read , are you ? " He reached over her and grabbed a book from the shelf . His arm brushed against her shoulder , and they both paused , only for a millisecond , but it seemed like a lot longer . " Well , would you maybe like to join me for dinner ? " He fumbled with the book he was holding , letting his strong fingers run up and down the book cover , suddenly busy studying its colorful designs . It was obvious that he just had swallowed a big chunk of pride . He drove them out to a quaint little seafood restaurant by the lake . From the window they could look out on the water . Small boats and yachts were slowly passing by out there . Occasionally a passing speedboat would interrupt their peaceful pace , leaving the slower boats bopping up and down in its wake . As it got darker , lights came on , casting coruscating reflections on to the water surface . It was beautiful . " How cruel some people are ! " His eyes softened as he glanced over at her and he took a deep breath . " Kat , I 'm sorry … " He started to say something when the waitress interrupted him . Kathleen studied Alex across the table . His thick black hair looked soft , and she felt an instant urge to run her fingers through it and ruffle it up . He was wearing a black sweater , which enhanced his handsome features . She had never before thought of him as sexy . Tonight he was . As her attention wandered to his dark brown eyes , she found him staring back at her , and instantly she knew that he had read her mind . He seemed amused by the incident , and she turned deep red and quickly looked away , all of a sudden concentrating intensely on her wine glass . Luckily the dessert was brought to their table right then and salvaged the awkward moment . They smiled at each other across the table . It felt as if they had found each other again , even though some things had changed . " Ready ? " he asked as he got up from his chair . " I can 't move , " she replied and his warm chuckle gave her goose bumps . " I 've missed you Kat . " His quiet voice blended in with the soft atmosphere . " You were right you know . I was impossible to be around . " He silenced her by gently pressing a finger against her lips . " I needed you to do what you did , " he said . " At first I was angry at you , mad because you didn 't understand … or so I thought . It turns out it was me who didn 't understand . " He sighed . " I 've been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now . " He lowered his voice as if he was ashamed of it . " That 's great Alex , " she smiled . " Has it helped ? " He nodded . " It helped me come to terms with myself and my grief . It was easy to leave Florida and I imagined that I could just leave everything behind and start fresh . What wasn 't easy was dealing with the fact that my grief and my emotions followed me here and didn 't let go until I dealt with them . " He paused . Then he looked at her . " I wanted to call you Kat , I just had a lot of pride to swallow , and I still do . I 've treated you horribly . I 'm happy we ran into each other tonight . Really happy , " he said . " I never wished that you were dead , I didn 't mean it that way . You 're my friend and my soul mate . I can 't stand not being with you . Although these last months have been the loneliest months of my life , they 've had the effect of a cold shower . " " Friday then ? " he said . They were parked outside her house , and she didn 't feel like leaving him yet . " Yes , " she nodded . " If you want to . " " I do , " he smiled . She turned her head and looked at him . She saw a mixture of happiness , hesitance and shyness , and he looked incredibly sexy . She had never looked at him this way before . Her eyes wandered down to his lips . She wanted to kiss him again . " I 'll pick you up here , " he said quickly and she nodded and fumbled for the door handle . " Alex , I had a really good time , " she said . " I look forward to Friday . " The puppy was waiting for her when she got in . She didn 't care that her living room looked like a tornado had swept through it , she was happier now than she had ever been in her life . Everything finally felt so right . " Alex is back , " she said with a happy voice and the puppy didn 't quite understand what she was so excited about . Regardless , it drowned Kathleen in little wet kisses , implying that it was excited as well over whatever it was that they were excited about . Even though it was a busy week for Kathleen , it was possibly the slowest week in her life . She kept herself occupied with the puppy and went to the gym with her friends as usual , but her mind was constantly with Alex and their upcoming dinner . Even though they were old friends , things had changed . They were exploring new avenues within their friendship . She was extremely nervous , because if they went the wrong way and disaster struck ; their friendship could shatter beyond repair . Finally it was Friday . Her boss let her out early , and with a fresh paycheck in hand and a hot date ahead , she went shopping for something new to wear . As she was trying on dresses , she examined herself in the mirror . She was faced by the reflection of an average looking girl , who tonight was radiating . A hint of natural blush was coloring her fair skin and her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement . She ran her fingers through her thick blonde mane , which had grown well past shoulder length by now . After having tried on a number of dresses , she picked out a smart navy blue outfit , which enhanced all her right curves and concealed all the wrong ones . Kathleen had to laugh at herself . Since when did she care about these things with Alex , who had seen her at her worst with zits , greasy hair and dressed in worn out ugly sweatpants ? It was just Alex ! She came home and got dressed just in time . A car horn honked outside her door just as she buckled her last shoe . " Hey you , " he smiled as she opened the car door . She noticed that he too had spent extra time on his looks this evening , and she could even detect a hint of cologne as she gave him a warm hug . Kathleen nodded . " I 'm afraid you 'll need to help me pick a restaurant , because I don 't know a lot of places yet . I know we 've lived here for awhile , but believe it or not , I haven 't been on a lot of hot dates and most of my meals have been cooked and consumed in my own kitchen . " " How about pasta ? Are there any good pasta places around here ? And don 't go cheap on us , let 's go somewhere nice , " she grinned . " I 've got a paycheck and I 'm willing to spend it ! " He picked out a wonderful Italian restaurant . The atmosphere was very nice and she could tell that great effort had gone into making this place as genuine Italian as possible . They could see the ovens and the grills in the open kitchen , where the chefs were yelling and screaming at each other like hot - tempered Italians . A singer was serenading the guests , touring the tables and taking song requests . Some people were embarrassed by all the attention she brought to their table , while others stared at her in awe and gave her an extra dollar or two for her efforts . " This is great , " Kathleen commented as she finished her last ravioli and thoroughly wiped her mouth with a napkin , making sure she didn 't have pasta sauce dripping from her mouth . " I 've been here a couple of times before but it 's too pricey to be my favorite place . Food wise though , it 's a favorite , " Alex said . " Well , don 't forget , I was busy ignoring certain emotional issues for awhile , and that 's when I went on these dates , to prove to myself that I was doing okay . It all blew up in my face , didn 't it ? " He smiled and shook his head . " Let 's go then , " he smiled . " Ok , let 's do it , " she said , and all of a sudden she was excited to ride the ferry . On the way there he made a stop at a liquor store , where he bought a bottle of red wine , which he put on the inner pocket of his jacket . It was 10 pm when they walked onboard the passenger ferry to Bainbridge Island . " Let 's go outside , " he said and took her hand . They found a nice private corner that wasn 't too windy . He took his jacket off and placed it on deck , then gestured that they 'd sit down . Hesitantly she pulled her skirt together and sunk down onto the hard , cold floor . The sea breeze brushed across her face , leaving it drizzling wet and a bit sticky from the ocean spray . She untied the braid she had been working on so hard earlier that night , just so the wind could weave her blonde strays of hair back together again . With a deep sigh of satisfaction , she closed her eyes and turned her face in the direction of the wind , enjoying the soothing massage it was offering her . " Kathleen ? " She heard Alex calling her name . Slowly she opened her eyes , and found a Dixie cup half full with red wine in front of her . " Cheers , " she said and let the cup touch his before she lifting the cup to her lips , tasting the sweet liquid . " So are we friends again ? " he asked her . He had put his arms around her . She leaned back against his warm body and made herself comfortable there . " You now it 's funny how someone 's death makes you analyze yourself and your own life , " she said . " I feel bad now for letting you go . I should have been more pushy , I should have helped you . " " I would have ran in the opposite direction , " he mumbled . He had his face buried in her blonde hair . She felt his warm breath on the top of her head when he talked . " In fact I did run in the opposite direction , " he continued . She nodded . " So what about you . Are you okay ? Did you deal with all this ? " She was surprised to hear him ask about her feelings . " I miss her . I always will , " she said . " But I came to terms with her death a long time ago . It 's all integrated and a part of me now , and I realize that the sorrow will never completely go away . It makes us a part of who we are and we carry on with a little more wisdom . " " I think we 've gone beyond friendship , " Kathleen admitted . " So do I . " His voice was soft . She turned her head towards him and met his lips halfway . She felt his grip tighten around her and she sat her wine down and put her arms around his neck , pulling him closer . His soft tongue was caressing her lips , and she willingly parted them to let him in . He tasted of sweet red wine as he gently caressed her tongue and they were lost in a tongue twirling passionate kiss that seemed to last forever . They spent the rest of the night drinking wine , talking , kissing and cuddling in their private corner onboard the ferry . They missed getting off it the first time and ended up riding it twice across the sound . After the second time , the ferry stopped running for the night , and they emptied their Dixie cups and headed back to her place . " I can 't have animals in my apartment , " he pouted . " Well maybe you will … " Kathleen interrupted herself and he laughed , as he very well knew what was running through her mind . " Maybe I will , " he said and pulled her down on to the couch . He lied flat out on his back and she stretched out on top of him , staring deeply into his dark eyes . " Never in those fifteen years did I realize how good - looking you are , " she smiled . " Gee thanks , " he grinned . She captured his lips in an intimate kiss and his arms tightened around her , pressing her as close towards his masculine body as she could get . They were passionately occupied with each other when they heard the puppy whimpering ; obviously feeling neglected and left out . Kathleen hesitantly let go of Alex ' lips and found the puppy sitting next to a suspicious looking puddle on her wooden floor . " Alex , don 't leave . I just … I don 't want you to go , " she said . He hesitated for a minute . " I guess I could sleep on the couch with the puppy , " he said . They walked onboard and as soon as the ferry started moving , they climbed out on deck . Since it was full daylight , it was harder to find a spot where they could be alone , but shortly after departure , most of the passengers moved back inside . Alex fished the urn out from his jacket . His hands were shaking violently and she was afraid he would drop it , but he seemed to have it under control . " Don 't leave me , " he said . " Maybe just walk over there , " he continued and pointed to the other end of the ferry deck . " I just need a moment . " " Thank you , " he whispered and hugged her tight , before he let her go and she moved away . From where she was standing , she could see the contours of his lonely figure as he lifted an arm and tossed the urn overboard . It was impossible to see his face , but she could tell by his posture that he was crying . The cozy ferry continued plowing its way through the waves . The wind caused Kathleen 's eyes to tear up as she looked out on the semi - rough water . It was a new day . The gray sky was no longer a reflection of her inner self ; it was merely a reminder of the cycles of nature , life and death . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the hard boat deck , each drop shattered into another thousand tears , as constant reminders of those challenges that life would continue to provide , challenges that they would stand up to and conquer . The boat kept moving away from the Seattle shoreline . A huge wind gust swept in , and nearly caused her to fall backwards , but she proudly kept her balance . She turned her face up towards the sky , and far above her she could see the mist and the black clouds in the hazy sky , hundreds and thousands of feet up in the air . Alex walked up next to her . His face was nice and tanned and blended perfectly in with his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , and this time she knew that it provided both comfort and a nice promise for the future , and their broken hearts were finally healing . Neither of them felt like talking much , but cuddled up to each other and sat in silence on the ride back from Bainbridge Island to Seattle . It was a short ride , but it seemed to last forever . " Thank you for coming with me . " She had been lost in his eyes and smiled at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she said . " Friends , " he grinned . " It 'll be fun to try something new . " |
I haven 't posted any stories in awhile . I guess I 've just been too busy drooling over big rigs ( 18wheelbeauties . blogspot . com ) to come up with fiction ; ) There is a lot of fiction yet to be posted . . . and even more so , there is a lot of fiction yet to be written ! The one I 'm posting now is kind of a simple story that I wrote a few years ago . It wasn 't my first short story , but it was certainly one I wrote at a time when my stories were simpler and my critical eye was a bit more blurry . . . or untrained : ) . I could probably go through it now and update it , make it better . . . make it less cheesy ( cause it is full of cheese . . . ) , fix grammar and other errors that I couldn 't spot then but I can spot now . . . . but I won 't . It 's kind of neat for me to go back and read my old stories , I like to keep them the way they were . . . if I want to mess with it , I 'd rather write something new . The big menacing airplane rolled out onto the runway and Kathleen 's eyes were tearing up as she looked out the tiny window . It was a sad day . The gray sky was a reflection of her inner self . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the black asphalt , each drop shattered into another thousand tears as if this sorrow would never end . Next to her sat Alex . His face was pale like an undead and stood in deep contrast to his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , knowing that there was no way she could provide comfort for his broken heart at this time . She had just buried her best friend and he had buried his fiancé . It was possibly the worst day in their lives . " Thank you for coming with me . " She was lost in daydreams and jumped at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she smiled . " Besides , it 'll be fun to try something new . " " You understand everything , " he smiled , but the smile did not reach his eyes . The " fasten seatbelt " sign lit up , and she knew they were approaching their destination . She heard a soft thump as the wheels on the plane hit the asphalt . They were taxing in towards the terminal , and all the passengers started milling around in the narrow aisles , making the huge Boeing feel entirely too small . Kathleen looked out the window , and was facing the same view she had just left behind , a gray and rainy day . They hailed a cab and headed for the hotel , where they would be staying until they had found somewhere to live . She was left standing in the hallway , watching him walk down the corridor towards his room . His shoulders were shaking and she knew he was crying . She felt helpless . " Are you sure ? " He nodded . " I 'm sure . No sense in wasting your money on hotels . " Then a sly grin spread on his face . " Besides , I need someone to help me decorate and carry furniture . " " Watch it so you don 't drop it ! " Kathleen was standing on the top of the stairs carrying one end of a loveseat and Alex was at the bottom , lifting the other end . Luckily he lived on the first floor . " Ok , you can move now , " he hollered . " Let 's get this sucker in . " They had been visiting furniture stores all day . Since they had both sold everything before moving to Seattle , there were no boxes to carry and unpack , but they had to do a lot of shopping . Finally the last piece for the day was in place . Alex had a bed , a couple of couches and a TV . The rest would slowly get purchased as needed . " I love you Alex , " she said . " Love you too Kat , " he smiled and gave her a big warm bear hug . " How long has it been now ? 10 years ? " " Let 's see , I hit you in the forehead with that baseball in seventh grade . I hate to break it to you but we 're getting old . It has been more like 15 years , " she stated . " Sounds good to me , " Alex agreed . However , after having moved couches and TVs all day , they had barely turned on the new TV and eaten about three french - fries , before they were both curled up and sound asleep on the couch . Seattle was starting to feel like home . Kathleen woke up early the next morning , and Alex was still asleep . Gently she ran her fingers through his soft hair . He mumbled something in his sleep and she quietly got up from the couch so she wouldn 't wake him . She walked across the floor and sat down in the windowsill . It was still dark outside . Cold morning draft was seeping in through a crack in the window , giving her goose bumps . A car was coughing in the distance as its owner desperately tried to start it up to get to work . The echo of a loud car alarm sounded from a nearby garage , doing its best to wake up the neighborhood , while outside the window , a group of crows was debating loudly over who would get the first morning worm . The streetlights were still lit , but it was getting brighter outside by the minute , and soon a hazy fog had replaced the darkness and the day had begun . It had been crazy , this decision to move away to a random city and start over . Neither her nor Alex had left much behind in Florida , and neither of them had ever really liked it down there . They had just accepted that it was where they were born , where they grew up and most likely it would be where they would die . However , Suzan 's death had sparked some thoughts and they had concluded that they did not want to die in Florida . They would rather live somewhere else . One night they had pulled out a map of the USA and studied all 50 states and hundreds of cities to see where they would like it the best . Although Hawaii had been tempting , they had finally decided on Seattle . Like Alex had said : " If we move to Hawaii , then where would we go on vacation ? " Kathleen sighed and got up from the windowsill . She stumbled in to the kitchen and started cooking up breakfast . The smell of eggs and bacon cooking on the grill woke Alex up , and soon they were having their own breakfast feast in his new apartment . " This is nice , " Alex smiled . " I love this place already . " " Alex . " At the sound of his name , he looked up at her . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " Sometimes I just miss her so much . " " Don 't be sorry , " Kathleen said and sat down on the couch next to him . " Just cry . It 's good for you . " He put his head on her shoulder and she felt his tears soaking through her sweater , making it wet . Deep inside , Kathleen felt slightly selfish . She kept thinking that this moment had ruined her good news . Not only had she found a place to live , but also she had found a job in a pet store nearby and had been thrilled . However , the moment had passed , and yet again they were wrapped up in tears and depression all night long . " Kat , this is a palace ! " Alex saw her place for the first time . Kathleen had found a quaint little house for rent , and would pay about as much for it as Alex was paying for his one - bedroom apartment . " See ? Does it pay off to be a little picky ? " She flew up the concrete stairs and unlocked the front door . This house had a backyard , two bedrooms , two bathrooms , a good - sized living room and a 1 - car garage . Of course , neither of them had a car yet but it was good to have a storage place . " I know , " she said . She put her knife down and turned around . " I 'm going to miss you too , " she said and embraced him from behind . " But we 'll be alright . " He left the steaks cooking and turned around to face her . She looked up into his deep brown eyes . His face approached hers and she closed her eyes . Seconds later she felt his lips touching hers in a soft kiss . When it was over , she opened her eyes again and looked at him . " Nothing , not even a tingle . " He sighed and continued with his steaks . " It just goes to prove , we 're meant to be friends for life you and I Kat , " he said . " Alex ! Stop ! Enough already , " Kathleen was getting frustrated . " She 's dead ! She 's gone ! We all miss her . I wish every day that she wouldn 't have gone out for a drive , but she did , and she got hit and killed . It happened ! She wants us to move on Alex , you and I are still alive . " " So you just want me to pretend that I don 't miss her and just be happy ? You don 't want a crybaby along on the ride ? " His words were harsh and made no sense . " That 's a low blow Alex , I 've been here for you , comforting you , going out of my way trying to make you feel better . Never once did you stop to comfort me , you act like you 're the only one in the world who is allowed to grieve ! She was my friend too you know , I miss her too . We all have bad days and good days , but every time we 're having fun you seem to be feeling guilty , and then you ruin it , you poke a hole in the balloon . " She paused for a moment then she continued . " Now we moved out here to break up and get away . That doesn 't mean we 're not thinking about her , but we 're alive and she 's dead Alex , we need to move on . Now if you 'll excuse me , I think I 'll leave this hole of depression , walk over to my own place and let you wallow in self - pity . I 've had it ! " Blinded by tears she fumbled around the apartment for her keys and some clothes , then she left . Slowly she walked along the sidewalk , sobbing and wiping her eyes . After having walked around for a while , she realized that she was lost . She found a payphone and called for a cab , which took her to her new house . Finally she was home . She was in her new house and she should feel ecstatic . Instead , Alex had yet again destroyed her moment , and it was the last time she would let it happen . Harsh words had been spilled that night , and their relationship never turned back to the way it had been . Alex never said he was sorry , never admitted that maybe he had been a little selfish and eventually they drifted apart . Kathleen knew she had been brutally honest with him , but she wasn 't taking it back . Maybe being apart for a while was for the best . Maybe she had reminded him too much of a happy past , when Suzan had still been alive . Maybe he subconsciously had waited for their friendship to fall apart so he wouldn 't have to be reminded of Suzan every time they were together . Even worse , he had implied that he wished Kathleen could have taken Suzan 's place . It had hurt her incredibly , and she had not been able to wipe that comment from her memory . Almost a year passed by and despite their fight and the angry words they had thrown at each other , Kathleen missed Alex deeply . Whether she was out having fun with her new friends or sitting home alone , she wished he were there . She had no clue what he was doing , who he was with , if he was with anybody at all . However , she was determined on leaving him alone . When he was ready , he would call . But she waited and waited . He didn 't call . Not for Christmas , not for her birthday and not for Valentine 's Day . It was the loneliest year she could ever remember . One night while walking some garbage out to the alley , she heard strange noises coming from her trashcan . She didn 't know if she dared to open the trashcan , but in order to dump her trash she was forced to open it . She saw nothing unusual at first . Then she must have jumped about ten feet in the air when one of the bags started moving around . Carefully she picked it up and replaced it with her own garbage bag . It was dark already , so she brought the bag inside . As she peeked into the bag , she started to cry . Gently she pulled out three tiny adorable puppies . One was all white while the other two were black and white . One of the puppies started whimpering , and soon the other two followed his lead . " You must be starving , " she said and felt terrible since she didn 't have anything for them to eat . She found some chicken broth , which she heated up and fed to them , and it seemed to satisfy their appetite . Then she found a cardboard box where they could sleep for the night . " I 'll take you to work tomorrow . I 'm sure I can find all three of you a good home , " she whispered while tucking them in . " Good night guys . " She must have been asleep for five minutes when she heard some ruckus outside her bedroom door . She flew out into the living room , only to discover the white puppy sitting in the middle of a dirt pile , as he had torn one of her plants down from the table . His white paws were dirty as was the tip of his white snout , and his dark beautiful puppy eyes looked pleadingly at her . " Aw shucks , I forgive you , " she muttered as she scooped up the puppy and carried him in to the bedroom with her . Gently she wiped his paws off and they curled up in her bed and fell asleep . " Sure you forgot him , " one of her colleagues teased her . " You better take some dog food home . Judging from the size of their paws , you can be glad you work for a pet store . " " I have no idea . Something big , " her colleague replied and Kathleen sighed . There was no way she had the heart to part with the white puppy , it seemed like the two of them were meant for each other . They had been brought together for a reason . On her way home from work , Kathleen stopped by a bookstore to find a book on raising puppies . A cozy smell of paper and new books greeted her warmly as she walked in the door . She took a deep breath and let the scent sink in . It felt soothing and relaxing , and she fought an instant temptation to sit down with a book and a Starbucks coffee . Casually she started browsing through the shelves , pulling out an occasional book to read their back covers . " It 's you ! " they exclaimed , both at the same time . " How have you … " They both started talking simultaneously again then they stopped and burst out laughing . " How have you been , " he said with a warm smile . " Good , " she replied . Alex looked great . He looked better than she ever remembered seeing him . " No I 'm glad I stuck to my guns in the beginning and resisted temptation to move back , even when things fell apart with you and I . I 'm happy here and I love the weather . I really think they exaggerate about the rain here . Do you think it rains a lot ? But then again I don 't mind it when it rains … " Kathleen was going on and on about her thoughts on Seattle , before she interrupted herself and turned slightly red . " I 'm sorry , " she said with a smile . " I 'm sure this is not very interesting . " She had no idea why she all of a sudden felt so awkward . This was Alex , her old friend … at least she thought they were still friends , even though they hadn 't seen each other for a long time . " So you 're looking for something to read , are you ? " He reached over her and grabbed a book from the shelf . His arm brushed against her shoulder , and they both paused , only for a millisecond , but it seemed like a lot longer . " Well , would you maybe like to join me for dinner ? " He fumbled with the book he was holding , letting his strong fingers run up and down the book cover , suddenly busy studying its colorful designs . It was obvious that he just had swallowed a big chunk of pride . He drove them out to a quaint little seafood restaurant by the lake . From the window they could look out on the water . Small boats and yachts were slowly passing by out there . Occasionally a passing speedboat would interrupt their peaceful pace , leaving the slower boats bopping up and down in its wake . As it got darker , lights came on , casting coruscating reflections on to the water surface . It was beautiful . " How cruel some people are ! " His eyes softened as he glanced over at her and he took a deep breath . " Kat , I 'm sorry … " He started to say something when the waitress interrupted him . Kathleen studied Alex across the table . His thick black hair looked soft , and she felt an instant urge to run her fingers through it and ruffle it up . He was wearing a black sweater , which enhanced his handsome features . She had never before thought of him as sexy . Tonight he was . As her attention wandered to his dark brown eyes , she found him staring back at her , and instantly she knew that he had read her mind . He seemed amused by the incident , and she turned deep red and quickly looked away , all of a sudden concentrating intensely on her wine glass . Luckily the dessert was brought to their table right then and salvaged the awkward moment . They smiled at each other across the table . It felt as if they had found each other again , even though some things had changed . " Ready ? " he asked as he got up from his chair . " I can 't move , " she replied and his warm chuckle gave her goose bumps . " I 've missed you Kat . " His quiet voice blended in with the soft atmosphere . " You were right you know . I was impossible to be around . " He silenced her by gently pressing a finger against her lips . " I needed you to do what you did , " he said . " At first I was angry at you , mad because you didn 't understand … or so I thought . It turns out it was me who didn 't understand . " He sighed . " I 've been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now . " He lowered his voice as if he was ashamed of it . " That 's great Alex , " she smiled . " Has it helped ? " He nodded . " It helped me come to terms with myself and my grief . It was easy to leave Florida and I imagined that I could just leave everything behind and start fresh . What wasn 't easy was dealing with the fact that my grief and my emotions followed me here and didn 't let go until I dealt with them . " He paused . Then he looked at her . " I wanted to call you Kat , I just had a lot of pride to swallow , and I still do . I 've treated you horribly . I 'm happy we ran into each other tonight . Really happy , " he said . " I never wished that you were dead , I didn 't mean it that way . You 're my friend and my soul mate . I can 't stand not being with you . Although these last months have been the loneliest months of my life , they 've had the effect of a cold shower . " " Friday then ? " he said . They were parked outside her house , and she didn 't feel like leaving him yet . " Yes , " she nodded . " If you want to . " " I do , " he smiled . She turned her head and looked at him . She saw a mixture of happiness , hesitance and shyness , and he looked incredibly sexy . She had never looked at him this way before . Her eyes wandered down to his lips . She wanted to kiss him again . " I 'll pick you up here , " he said quickly and she nodded and fumbled for the door handle . " Alex , I had a really good time , " she said . " I look forward to Friday . " The puppy was waiting for her when she got in . She didn 't care that her living room looked like a tornado had swept through it , she was happier now than she had ever been in her life . Everything finally felt so right . " Alex is back , " she said with a happy voice and the puppy didn 't quite understand what she was so excited about . Regardless , it drowned Kathleen in little wet kisses , implying that it was excited as well over whatever it was that they were excited about . Even though it was a busy week for Kathleen , it was possibly the slowest week in her life . She kept herself occupied with the puppy and went to the gym with her friends as usual , but her mind was constantly with Alex and their upcoming dinner . Even though they were old friends , things had changed . They were exploring new avenues within their friendship . She was extremely nervous , because if they went the wrong way and disaster struck ; their friendship could shatter beyond repair . Finally it was Friday . Her boss let her out early , and with a fresh paycheck in hand and a hot date ahead , she went shopping for something new to wear . As she was trying on dresses , she examined herself in the mirror . She was faced by the reflection of an average looking girl , who tonight was radiating . A hint of natural blush was coloring her fair skin and her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement . She ran her fingers through her thick blonde mane , which had grown well past shoulder length by now . After having tried on a number of dresses , she picked out a smart navy blue outfit , which enhanced all her right curves and concealed all the wrong ones . Kathleen had to laugh at herself . Since when did she care about these things with Alex , who had seen her at her worst with zits , greasy hair and dressed in worn out ugly sweatpants ? It was just Alex ! She came home and got dressed just in time . A car horn honked outside her door just as she buckled her last shoe . " Hey you , " he smiled as she opened the car door . She noticed that he too had spent extra time on his looks this evening , and she could even detect a hint of cologne as she gave him a warm hug . Kathleen nodded . " I 'm afraid you 'll need to help me pick a restaurant , because I don 't know a lot of places yet . I know we 've lived here for awhile , but believe it or not , I haven 't been on a lot of hot dates and most of my meals have been cooked and consumed in my own kitchen . " " How about pasta ? Are there any good pasta places around here ? And don 't go cheap on us , let 's go somewhere nice , " she grinned . " I 've got a paycheck and I 'm willing to spend it ! " He picked out a wonderful Italian restaurant . The atmosphere was very nice and she could tell that great effort had gone into making this place as genuine Italian as possible . They could see the ovens and the grills in the open kitchen , where the chefs were yelling and screaming at each other like hot - tempered Italians . A singer was serenading the guests , touring the tables and taking song requests . Some people were embarrassed by all the attention she brought to their table , while others stared at her in awe and gave her an extra dollar or two for her efforts . " This is great , " Kathleen commented as she finished her last ravioli and thoroughly wiped her mouth with a napkin , making sure she didn 't have pasta sauce dripping from her mouth . " I 've been here a couple of times before but it 's too pricey to be my favorite place . Food wise though , it 's a favorite , " Alex said . " Well , don 't forget , I was busy ignoring certain emotional issues for awhile , and that 's when I went on these dates , to prove to myself that I was doing okay . It all blew up in my face , didn 't it ? " He smiled and shook his head . " Let 's go then , " he smiled . " Ok , let 's do it , " she said , and all of a sudden she was excited to ride the ferry . On the way there he made a stop at a liquor store , where he bought a bottle of red wine , which he put on the inner pocket of his jacket . It was 10 pm when they walked onboard the passenger ferry to Bainbridge Island . " Let 's go outside , " he said and took her hand . They found a nice private corner that wasn 't too windy . He took his jacket off and placed it on deck , then gestured that they 'd sit down . Hesitantly she pulled her skirt together and sunk down onto the hard , cold floor . The sea breeze brushed across her face , leaving it drizzling wet and a bit sticky from the ocean spray . She untied the braid she had been working on so hard earlier that night , just so the wind could weave her blonde strays of hair back together again . With a deep sigh of satisfaction , she closed her eyes and turned her face in the direction of the wind , enjoying the soothing massage it was offering her . " Kathleen ? " She heard Alex calling her name . Slowly she opened her eyes , and found a Dixie cup half full with red wine in front of her . " Cheers , " she said and let the cup touch his before she lifting the cup to her lips , tasting the sweet liquid . " So are we friends again ? " he asked her . He had put his arms around her . She leaned back against his warm body and made herself comfortable there . " You now it 's funny how someone 's death makes you analyze yourself and your own life , " she said . " I feel bad now for letting you go . I should have been more pushy , I should have helped you . " " I would have ran in the opposite direction , " he mumbled . He had his face buried in her blonde hair . She felt his warm breath on the top of her head when he talked . " In fact I did run in the opposite direction , " he continued . She nodded . " So what about you . Are you okay ? Did you deal with all this ? " She was surprised to hear him ask about her feelings . " I miss her . I always will , " she said . " But I came to terms with her death a long time ago . It 's all integrated and a part of me now , and I realize that the sorrow will never completely go away . It makes us a part of who we are and we carry on with a little more wisdom . " " I think we 've gone beyond friendship , " Kathleen admitted . " So do I . " His voice was soft . She turned her head towards him and met his lips halfway . She felt his grip tighten around her and she sat her wine down and put her arms around his neck , pulling him closer . His soft tongue was caressing her lips , and she willingly parted them to let him in . He tasted of sweet red wine as he gently caressed her tongue and they were lost in a tongue twirling passionate kiss that seemed to last forever . They spent the rest of the night drinking wine , talking , kissing and cuddling in their private corner onboard the ferry . They missed getting off it the first time and ended up riding it twice across the sound . After the second time , the ferry stopped running for the night , and they emptied their Dixie cups and headed back to her place . " I can 't have animals in my apartment , " he pouted . " Well maybe you will … " Kathleen interrupted herself and he laughed , as he very well knew what was running through her mind . " Maybe I will , " he said and pulled her down on to the couch . He lied flat out on his back and she stretched out on top of him , staring deeply into his dark eyes . " Never in those fifteen years did I realize how good - looking you are , " she smiled . " Gee thanks , " he grinned . She captured his lips in an intimate kiss and his arms tightened around her , pressing her as close towards his masculine body as she could get . They were passionately occupied with each other when they heard the puppy whimpering ; obviously feeling neglected and left out . Kathleen hesitantly let go of Alex ' lips and found the puppy sitting next to a suspicious looking puddle on her wooden floor . " Alex , don 't leave . I just … I don 't want you to go , " she said . He hesitated for a minute . " I guess I could sleep on the couch with the puppy , " he said . They walked onboard and as soon as the ferry started moving , they climbed out on deck . Since it was full daylight , it was harder to find a spot where they could be alone , but shortly after departure , most of the passengers moved back inside . Alex fished the urn out from his jacket . His hands were shaking violently and she was afraid he would drop it , but he seemed to have it under control . " Don 't leave me , " he said . " Maybe just walk over there , " he continued and pointed to the other end of the ferry deck . " I just need a moment . " " Thank you , " he whispered and hugged her tight , before he let her go and she moved away . From where she was standing , she could see the contours of his lonely figure as he lifted an arm and tossed the urn overboard . It was impossible to see his face , but she could tell by his posture that he was crying . The cozy ferry continued plowing its way through the waves . The wind caused Kathleen 's eyes to tear up as she looked out on the semi - rough water . It was a new day . The gray sky was no longer a reflection of her inner self ; it was merely a reminder of the cycles of nature , life and death . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the hard boat deck , each drop shattered into another thousand tears , as constant reminders of those challenges that life would continue to provide , challenges that they would stand up to and conquer . The boat kept moving away from the Seattle shoreline . A huge wind gust swept in , and nearly caused her to fall backwards , but she proudly kept her balance . She turned her face up towards the sky , and far above her she could see the mist and the black clouds in the hazy sky , hundreds and thousands of feet up in the air . Alex walked up next to her . His face was nice and tanned and blended perfectly in with his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , and this time she knew that it provided both comfort and a nice promise for the future , and their broken hearts were finally healing . Neither of them felt like talking much , but cuddled up to each other and sat in silence on the ride back from Bainbridge Island to Seattle . It was a short ride , but it seemed to last forever . " Thank you for coming with me . " She had been lost in his eyes and smiled at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she said . " Friends , " he grinned . " It 'll be fun to try something new . " |
Crystal was still sleeping , her breathing ragged and heavy as she tossed on the futon and moaned almost rhythmically . It seemed her craving for the meth was becoming more intense . Eventually she would wake up and go out into the streets , looking for someone to supply what she needed . And , in spite of Billy Simpson murder , she would find that someone . Did I really want to put in the time and effort necessary to discover what was happening in her life ? Did I want to stand between Crystal and whoever hunted her ? After all , it wasn 't my job . The cops could handle this - it was what they were trained to do , what they were paid to do . Besides , I had something else to put my time in on , no matter how short that time might be . Something I was committed to . But one of those who hunted her might be a cop , and Chester had sent her to me . And the . 44 would always be there if I needed it . I glanced at my watch . It was nearly six p . m . I got up , showered and changed into my three - piece suit and fedora , then tucked the . 44 into my overcoat pocket . # Frank was at the piano , where I 'd found him the night before . He had finished setting out his music and was running a few scales . As soon as he saw me he began Stardust . I left the bar without ordering a drink and went to the elevator in the lobby . Again panic jolted me as the elevator car took me down into the lower level of the parking garage , and again I fought it and won . There were more cars than there had been the night before . It was earlier in the evening , and the hotel 's two restaurants were still busy . I wove between the cars , to the same rear corner where Frank and I had met the night before . The cops always held out a number of details from the media , just to weed out the inevitable loonies who always confessed to something they didn 't do . And the fact that there was a serial killer loose in Denver would certainly freak the city 's population . The cops didn 't want to start a panic . " None yet . Like Billy , each was stabbed once in the stomach and once in the chest , then their hands and heads were pounded beyond recognition . It does look like they were homeless , though . Their clothing pegged them as such , at any rate . " " They 're asking questions around the homeless community . One of the victims had been hanging out on the Sixteenth Street Mall for a few months . Name was Bob - no last name . No one seems to know the other two . " Frank took another long drag . A cloud of smoke escaped as he spoke . " The cops can 't figure out what was used to do the mutilations . I don 't think it would be smart to tell them what you know just now . " " Of course . I 'll keep in touch with them . You keep in touch with me . By the way , Elliot knows you 're looking into the case . " " I 'll bet he does . " I turned toward the elevators . All Elliot needed was a civilian mucking around in his case , maybe even jeopardizing a conviction when they finally made an arrest . It was nearly seven - thirty by the time I left the Hilton . I wasn 't sure Chester would still be in his office at Holy Sacrament , but I thought I 'd take a chance on finding him there . I caught the shuttle up the mall , then walked the six blocks north - east to the church . Chester wasn 't in , but his assistant , Father Groff , was in Chester 's office , making an attempt at tidying up . He was totally bald , nearly as tall as I am , and heavy to the point of being obese . His black suit and priest 's collar somehow made him look heavier than he actually was . " I don 't know . I didn 't get in until after lunch . He wasn 't here . " His voice was shaky - he was nervous about something . " Yes , he was . We were supposed to go over the parish books tonight , going to be at it until ten or midnight . I 'm starting to get worried . " I nodded . " If he comes in , tell him I was by . I 'll call him later . If I can 't reach him , do you have a cell ? " He gave me his number . I took it down on the back of one of the many scraps of paper on Chester 's desk . I stood , folded the scrap and stuffed it into my front trousers pocket , turned toward the door , then turned back around and faced the priest . I had frequented the bar at least two nights each week for the past two years . It was another piano club , but one in which the owner allowed his patrons to sing . Each pianist supplied two thick three - ring binders filled with lyrics . Only a few of the regulars were any good . I never sang solo . Although I knew I had a good enough voice - everyone told me I did . I was just a bit too self - conscious for that . I 'd spent most of my adult life trying to remain as much in the shadows as I could , and old habits are simply too hard to break . At least for me they are . Still , I was known in Schroeder 's as someone who appreciated good music , and I did participate in the sing - along numbers on a few occasions . And during the past month or so I had actually started to sing out . Each of Schroeder 's five pianists was trying to bring me along . I nodded . He was short and balding , about fifty years of age , sporting a scraggily beard and mustache , with a good - natured twinkle in his intensely blue eyes . He wore a red satin coat he 'd bragged about picking up on sale for only thirty - five dollars less than a month ago at a boutique store downtown . His name was Michael Quinn . Quinn was accustomed to my not talking much . In fact , everyone in Schroeder 's was . Not only am I an extremely private person , but you never know when some small bit of information you give out might be used against you . A narrow bar hugged the piano 's contours , and I sat at a stool directly across from Quinn . There was a couple to his right - my left - Rich and Linda . A man in a ball cap and a goatee sat to Quinn 's left . His name was Ken , and he occasionally brought in a violin to play with the pianist . The regulars nodded and smiled , and I nodded in return . Another man sat two stools to my right , between Ken and me . I 'd never seen him before . He was short , with a stocky build , dressed in black slacks and a dark blue polo shirt . He sat on his black winter jacket , his head down , a nearly empty Coors bottle on the bar before him . The waitress , a dark - haired Greek girl in her early twenties , took my order for a Jack Daniels on the rocks and a Bud Light . She asked the man to my right if he wanted another beer , and he said he didn 't . Then she hurried away . I glanced up at the large - screen television on the wall to my left . Two NFL teams battled it out . Neither was the Bronco 's , so I ignored the game and again glanced at the man to my right . I shrugged again , then returned my attention to the television screen . I didn 't know what his problem was , but I didn 't want trouble . Not here . Not tonight . " You ignorin ' me ? " the man asked . When I didn 't respond , he hammered the bar with his fist and snarled , " You hear me ? " I took my attention slowly from the screen , centering my gaze on the man . " I heard you , " I said . " I don 't have a beef with you . " Again I looked to the television . My reflexes took over . I blocked his punch with my right hand without getting off my stool . In nearly the same motion I took his fist in my left hand and squeezed . He grimaced , but didn 't make a sound . He tumbled over his downed stool and fell to the floor . Struggling to get up , he became tangled in the stool . The look on his face told me he meant to try again . He stopped struggling with the bar stool , then slowly stood . " You haven 't seen the last of me , " he said , glaring . He strode stiff - legged from the bar . The door slammed behind him . Quinn shook his head . " This is the first time I 've seen him . He described you , though , and knew your name . And he was asking questions about you . " " Nothing , really . I said you live somewhere in the area , but I didn 't know where - which I don 't . And I told him you come in a couple nights a week . " " Not in here , " he said . " But I think I might have seen him a couple times in The Charger . " The Charger Lounge was a dive bar three blocks south and two east of Schroeder 's . I nodded my thanks . It was too late to go to The Charger tonight . Besides , I was over - dressed for that sort of bar . I 'd have to check it out in the next day or two . Here , in Schroeder 's , I would have to come in more than the two nights a week I was accustomed to for a while . Five pianists played through the week . Michael played the early shift , 6 : 00 to 9 : 30 p . m . , Wednesday and Friday . Paul , a blind man with incredible talent , played the Tuesday early shift , and Marianne the Thursday early shift . The Saturday early shift belonged to Ray , and Patrick played the late shift , from 9 : 30 to closing , Tuesday through Saturday . Sunday was karaoke night , which drew a younger crowd , and Monday there was no entertainment . I 'd have to check with each pianist , the owner and the manager , and any regulars I happened across . I 'd also have to come in Sunday to see if the guy took in karaoke , although I doubted that was the case , and Monday , too . I hung around Schroeder 's another couple hours and caught Patrick as he came on - shift . In the process , I had a few more Jack Daniels , matched with an equal number of beers . I described the guy who 'd jumped me to Patrick , but he couldn 't remember seeing him . " Have you heard from Chester yet ? " I blew into my hands as I cradled the receiver between my shoulder and my ear . The wind was hard and cutting , adding a great deal to the chill factor . I went through the knocking ritual twice with no response before I used my key . The door was locked , but the deadbolt wasn 't . Crystal wasn 't in the apartment . There was no sign of violence . I wondered how Crystal would pay for her fix - up . I checked the money in the coffee can on the high shelf at the back of the closet - the insurance settlement from Sylvia 's death , several thousand from our joint account , and the little I made from watching the liquor store upstairs . Slightly more than a quarter of a million dollars in both small and large bills . It hadn 't been touched . Angel , however , could say it , and did . " About you wanting to commit suicide ? About whether or not you should go ahead with your plans to kill yourself ? " I glanced toward the closet . Then I looked into the corner at the far side of the room . The rat 's eyes again glowed red out of the darkness . Chester shook his head . " He didn 't seem to , but he gave an accurate description . And he said he saw her come in here last night . " Chester knew all the cops from his police district , I knew that for a fact . That meant the cop was either from another district , or he was new to this one . Or , perhaps , he wasn 't a cop at all . " Don 't worry about it . If he wasn 't a cop , he probably had a fake ID that would pass inspection . Did he give a name ? " " If they 're looking for her , I guess she couldn 't be much safer than with me , for now . Particularly if there 's a cop involved . Still , I 'd like to eventually get her situated somewhere else - maybe out of town . " " Maybe I can find somewhere for her . I know a number of pastors out of Denver who might be able to set something up . At least for a while . " " Just that she comes in for the lunch about half the time . I tried to get her into a drug rehab program in October , but she wouldn 't have anything to do with it . And I gave her a coat and gloves a couple days ago . " " I 'll be there , unless something comes up . " Each year on Christmas , Chester served turkey and all that goes with it to two thousand of Denver 's less fortunate . He provided toys for the kids , and soap and other toiletries for the adults . The past two years I 'd helped out on the serving line . I got to my feet . " No , I don 't think so . " Then I said , " Yes , there is something . I passed a guy in the hall coming out of Father Groff 's office . " It made sense that Groff would talk to the senator about his donation . The assistant pastor handled the money side of the parish business , while Chester did the hands - on , people stuff . Groff would take possession of the coats , making sure they were inventoried and properly written off . Later , Chester would hand them out to those who needed them . " That 's a fine gesture , " I said . " It is . But there 's a stipulation on his donation . Several groups of people can 't receive them . Certain undesirables . " " Undesirables ? " It was shaping up to be a fine day . Although it wasn 't particularly warm , the sun was out and shining brightly , and the snow from the storm the night before had nearly melted away . I 'd read somewhere that Denver was blessed with more than three hundred sunny days in the average year . The sun somehow made everything tolerable . It was too early to contact Frank Nelson . Besides , I don 't own a phone - cell or landline . Of course , I knew his number and I could use a pay phone along the mall , but I didn 't want to do that this early . He needed time to meet with his contacts in the Denver Police Department , and I knew I 'd see him tonight , at the hotel bar , as I had the night before . I left the coffee shop as it began to fill with office workers looking for lunch . There was a new sandwich shop two blocks east and one north that the office workers didn 't seem to know about yet . The crowd there would be lighter , and they made a great turkey on sourdough with avocado . I ordered a sandwich and a cup of water . I sat gnawing on the sandwich , thinking about what Chester had said this morning . Although I didn 't want to admit it , he was probably right . I undoubtedly did need help getting past all I had faced in the three years since returning home from Afghanistan . What happened there that last op had scarred me - not just physically , but also mentally . And then , what I learned when I returned to the States , about my wife and our unborn daughter . . . . I 'd started group therapy for PTSD at the veterans ' hospital when I first got back to the States , to get over my anger and gain at least some control of my violence addiction , but I left the group less than a month into the sessions . My thoughts were still in Afghanistan back then , as they were now , only to a greater extent . I was still too close to the bloodshed and the fear , and I couldn 't wrap my head around what waited for me at home . The last thing I 'd wanted to do was talk about those things with a room full of strangers . So I internalized it all , brooding on it . And my addiction to violence grew like a fungus in my mind . At the same time , I came to realize I was not fit for any sort of civilian job . The SEALs had taught me how to move stealthily and how to kill proficiently , but not how to bake bread or manufacture car parts . And in my present state of mind no one would hire me and train me to do those kinds of things . I was out of place in the civilian world . I didn 't know how to act or re - act , and it was only a matter of time before I hurt someone . But I could do nothing about all that now . Afghanistan was a world away , although in my nightmares it was closer than my skin . The cops had no leads on what happened to Sylvia , beyond the suspicion that it was some sort of gang initiation , and there was no way I could chase leads down on my own . I had to depend on Frank Nelson and what information he might be able to gather from the San Diego Police Department , through his contacts in the Denver PD . Those thoughts chased themselves around in my mind with no hope of resolution . Before I knew it , it was three in the afternoon . I went home to check on Crystal . I put the . 44 in the closet , on the high shelf . I wanted it there in case I needed it - not just to take care of anyone who might come looking for Crystal , but also in case I needed it for myself , for my unfinished business . I didn 't think I would take my life now , without deciding what , if anything , I 'd do about Crystal 's problem . But I wanted the weapon close at hand , for either option . Careful not to bump the futon , I went to Angel 's cage on the shelf beyond where Crystal slept . The rat was in her igloo - shaped plastic house . I took some pellets from the bag on the floor and placed them in the rat 's food bowl , then took three or four sunflower seeds from a smaller bag and put them on top . I went back to the other side of the room and collapsed onto the chair . I was tired - too damned tired . The nightmare had been with me again last night , just as it had been nearly every time I tried to sleep since I 'd returned to the States . I had again been in the rugged mountains of northern Afghanistan , battling enemy forces . My SEAL team was far behind enemy lines . The night was cold and moonless as I led my SEAL team through the forest 's dense underbrush on a mountainside in the Zhawar Kili area of Afghanistan . I walked point . As a lieutenant I was in charge , and couldn 't expect one of my men to do something I wasn 't prepared to do myself . My primary weapon was an M4A1 carbine , tricked out with an AN / PVS 14 night vision sight . My secondary weapon , in a special holster on my hip , was an MK23 , a . 45 caliber pistol . Not only did the handgun possess excellent knock - down power , but it was fitted with a KAC sound suppressor , in case silence was needed . Directly behind me came a tall red - haired young man from New Orleans , Rubin Shavers , an expert in most marshal arts , who had at one time tried out for the Olympics . His M4A1 was fitted with a Trijicon Reflex sight , allowing rapid acquisition on close targets . His handgun was a nine millimeter M11 Sig Sauer . Third in line was the team 's radioman , Warren Oldfield , thin and prematurely bald . He wore night vision goggles and carried two sets of communications equipment - an extra in case the primary was disabled . He also carried an un - modified M4A1 , and a M11 . He was from New York City . The last man in line was Emory Hawley , a large raw - boned black man from Detroit . He was our M60 gunner , carrying the MK43 Mod 0 variant and its belt - fed ammunition . His handgun was also a M11 . All three were enlisted men . I knew we would never get them all . There would simply be too many , and those we could not take we must kill . Still , I had hopes we would bring at least a few of the enemy in for questioning . My team was one of the SEALs ' finest . We were trained to a sharp edge of perfection . Cautiously , silently , I advanced my team toward the movement on the trail . The lack of a moon made it impossible to tell who was there , even with our night - vision capability . But that also worked in our favor , hiding us from the enemy . In only a few minutes we were near enough to see that we were faced with an Afghan villager , his wife , and their infant child sleeping in its mother 's arms , coming down the trail toward us . This was not good , particularly since another group , somewhat louder , was coming down the trail nearly fifty yards behind the villagers . That would be the operatives we were hunting . We crouched there beside the trail , listening - SEAL team , villager , wife and infant - as the enemy approached . The enemy was talking loudly and laughing . I put a finger to my lips , making sure the villager and his family remained silent . Everything depended on maintaining the element of surprise . I took the infant from its mother 's arms , held it gently and placed my large hand over its nose and mouth . Soon , it was quiet . I handed the infant back to its mother . The battle quickly became hand - to - hand , and one of the enemy slashed my face . A blaze of excitement flared in my mind filling me with blind rage . I fought like a wild animal , allowing no quarter . Had any of the enemy wished to surrender , they would not have been able to . I saw to that . The next morning we sat on the two stools on either side of the breakfast bar and talked over mugs of steaming coffee , after bowls of cold cereal in non - fat milk . The coffee was real , brewed - not the decaffeinated instant we 'd had the night before . It was a special blackberry blend sent two years ago by my nephew , Tyler , in Seattle . I 'd never had reason to brew a pot until now . Mine had a shot of Jack Daniels in it . Crystal looked as ragged as I felt . She hadn 't had a fix in at least a day , maybe longer . Her fix up had been interrupted by Billy 's murder . Her hair stood out in all directions and appeared considerably dirtier than the night before . Her eyes were more shadowed , her hands shook on the counter before her , and she slapped at something invisible crawling on her legs and arms . I knew she hadn 't slept last night . I 'd heard her moaning and tossing on the futon . I hadn 't slept well either . But then , I seldom did since returning from Afghanistan . And when she went to the bathroom at about four in the morning , I checked my coffee can bank in the closet . It hadn 't been touched . " Where are you from ? " I finally asked , wrapping my hands around my mug to warm them . I used electric space heaters in the apartment during the winter months , and by morning there was usually a chill in the air . " Work . I was doing television - the weather for a network affiliate . " That explained her precise speech pattern . " I was offered better pay to come out here . " She paused , then shrugged and said , " I guess I fell in with the wrong crowd . One thing led to another , and I started using drugs . I got hooked , lost my job and eventually burned through my savings . I 've been on the street now for the past two years . " Her story was an all too common one that could have just as easily applied to me , had I not got at least some control over my life . In spite of the ravages of meth and two years on the street , she did look like she could have been on television at one time . Her face had the underlying bone structure that belonged in entertainment . And let 's face it , television weather is about half entertainment . If the weather person isn 't an intelligent wise - cracking male , she 's air - headed eye candy . The weather is the only place on the evening news where the networks and their affiliates can inject a bit of not - so - subtle sex . " So he did . " I 'd have to talk to him about that . " I 'll go see him this morning , see if he has any options for a place for you to stay . " But if the killers saw her last night , I thought , maybe it 's best she stay here , with me . That was probably what Chester had been thinking when he sent her to my apartment . I just wasn 't sure it would work out . I had other plans for my life - or lack thereof . I finished my coffee , then did the breakfast dishes and re - enforced the door - opening instructions with Crystal . When I was sure she understood the security precautions I tucked the . 44 beneath my jacket at the small of my back . I didn 't usually carry a weapon around town , but I couldn 't see leaving the pistol in the apartment with someone strung out on meth . And if she went looking for the gun , she might stumble across my coffee can bank . The weather was crisp and clear . If it weren 't for the eight inch blanket of snow on the ground , it would have been hard to believe there had been a blizzard the night before . But that 's Denver . One day a blizzard and the next near spring weather . Chester 's church , Holy Sacrament , crouched in the shadows of a glass and steel skyscraper in lower downtown Denver . The church had deeded the property to a developer fifteen years ago , with the understanding that the church could remain on the property as long as the building stood - the skyscraper , not the church . The modern office building wrapped itself around the Gothic architecture of the church as if protecting the older building from all elements of the modern world . My eyes adjusted quickly as I stood at the back of the church . Then I made my way up the central aisle toward the large ornate altar , my steps echoing in the empty church . I went to the left , around the altar , stepping through a nondescript doorway that led to a series of small rooms . I went past the choir director 's office / music room and on toward the assistant pastor 's office . I opened the door and stepped inside . He sat behind his desk , doing the inevitable paperwork . Papers and books were stacked in every corner and on the straight - backed chair before the desk . " Welcome , John , " he said , getting to his feet . He was dark haired with gray at the temples , of medium build and five - feet - nine . " I thought I 'd see you today . " He offered his hand . The priest frowned and sat back down behind his desk . " It 's become that bad ? " He motioned for me to clear the papers off the chair and sit . I put the papers on the floor . I waited a few seconds , then said , " It 's the loss of everything I possessed in Afghanistan , everything I could lay claim to as a Navy SEAL . I feel myself getting weaker by the day . Every minute I 'm away from the SEALs , away from special ops , I 'm losing a bit more of the only thing I could ever do well . It 's all I 've ever known , all I 've ever been . Without it , my life has become useless and hollow . " Chester was right , of course . He was the only person I had ever told about how I left the military . It hadn 't been a voluntary separation . I 'd been released from the Navy SEALs because of what had happened during my final op in Afghanistan , because of what I had done to the enemy . And it wasn 't the first time something like that had happened under my command . I shook my head . My addiction to violence was as strong as it had ever been . The excitement I 'd felt the night before at seeing Billy Simpson 's mutilated body , the two men on the mall shuttle , and the old man outside the hotel had made that abundantly clear . I grunted noncommittally . I 'm not absolutely sure I 'm an atheist - more an agnostic leaning toward atheism . But I 've found it easier to simply tell everyone I 'm an atheist , and let it go at that . And I hope with all my heart there isn 't a god . If there somehow is one , I know that at my death I will be shuffled off to the darkest and hottest corner of hell . If there is such a place . " God provides , " Chester said . After a pause , he continued , " I 'm going to ask you one last time , and then I 'll never bring it up again . Will you let me arrange for counseling ? You need help , John . " I shrugged . " At any rate , I don 't need counseling right now . Crystal 's problem will see me through for a while - if I decide to help her . " " A good chance . I 'm not sure I want to become involved . And I don 't know why you sent her to me . You know it isn 't the right time for this - for her . The holidays , and again no Sylvia . " " I thought you might do her some good . If nothing else , you could protect her . And it sounds like it would certainly do you some good as well , if only to postpone matters . " " I don 't know , " Chester said , shaking his head . " There was a cop in here this morning , asking about her . " Damn , I thought , it can never be that simple . |
My mom used to say I have a champagne taste on a beer budget . Managing money has never been my forte . When we started talking about buying a house , I had to look at my bank accounts . Well actually , the bank people that we were applying for the loan with wanted to see both of our bank accounts , so I decided to take a peek first . I had never in my whole life looked at what I was spending my money on . I just figured , it 's expensive to live in Los Angeles , so I just will live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life or until I get my big break . I had never actually looked at a budget though . I had had multiple people , including a therapist who I complained about never having money to and that being why I was sad , tell me , that I should start a budget , but it seemed like a lot of work . So when we went to apply for a loan , I thought it would be wise if I looked at where all my money was going to , before I shared my bank account information with my husband and the loan dude , just so I could explain myself if things got weird . Turns out , I was spending a fortune every month on food delivery services , whether it be yummy . com or postmates , I was spending a LOT of money on them . I am too embarrassed to say how much but let 's put it this way , after not doing that for about 4 months , I had saved almost $ 5000 , before that , I did live paycheck to paycheck every month , so you do the math . Can you imagine how much money I would have if I listened to that fucking therapist and started a budget ten years ago ? These food delivery services are very duplicitous , Sam would say to me , " babe , did you really just order milk from yummy . com , I would have gotten it on my way home from work . " And I would tell him that I really needed the milk and that it was only $ 20 ( which looking at that in black and white , is really a huge inflation from the normal cost of a gallon of Milk ) . Then the next day , I would realize , I needed toilet paper , and order from yummy again . In my head , ordering from yummy . com was way better for my sanity theI had saved a considerable bit of money and was planning on using some of it to decorate our house . Keep in mind , I was deprived of the almost cavewoman like need to " nest " in my home . I never got to do it . Every woman who has ever been pregnant knows what I 'm talking about . I never got to for two reasons , I did not have a home until 12 days before Olive was born , and when we moved in those 12 days before , I was sentenced to the couch , so could not do anything . I wasn 't even allowed to decorate the nursery . Joelene and Andy came over the day we moved in and they decorated as I shouted orders from the couch . . . occasionally I was allowed to go into the room and check the progress but only if I laid on the floor to do it . I would try to sit up and Joelene would bark , " I 'm not going to help you and I 'm going to leave if you lift your head once more . " So after Olive was born and we came home , I went a little off the deep end . I was making up for lost time . I think it started with a pair of boxer leggings . I decided that Olive needed a pair of leggings with boxer dogs all over them . I didn 't even know if they existed , but I googled them anyway . Lo and behold , there was a company that made leggings with boxer dogs all over them . I was checking out when I noticed they also had Christmas donut leggings and reindeer leggings , and sushi leggings , and leggings with dinosaurs and roses on them , and turkey leggings . I had to have them all . In my defense , during checkout , I took the turkey leggings out of the cart , she would only be able to wear those one day which didn 't seem too cost effective . After my order ( which was placed a month ago now and I still haven 't received ) , I got a thank you note from the seller and she asked me to follow her on instagram , which I did . And shortly after following her on instagram , all the baby clothing sites started popping up in my feed and asking me to follow them and soon I was following over 30 different baby clothing , accessory , paraphernalia sites . When I was in college in psychology 101 class they taught us that , P . T . Barnum ( of Barnum and Bailey Circus ) , coined the phrase , " there 's a sucker born every minute . " They were referring to the things people will waste their money on at circus ' and the like and the tricks of the eye and slight of hand things people will pay to see . I just researched this to fact check it and he is actually attributed with saying that , but it may have been another dude . It may have been a dude named Michael Cassius McDonald who was referring to the roulette wheel ( which is interesting because it is another weakness of mine ) . My point is , whoever coined the phrase , I am the sucker . And boy am I a sucker for online shopping for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING at 4am when I 'm feeding a baby and have only slept a few hours in the last few days and it seems that I may actually die of exhaustion but ITwo days before Olive was born , I got a call from the EDD saying I was cut off . That was weird , I only had received one check . I called them and listened to a 10 minute long automated message and when I got to the end was told " we 're sorry , we have exceeded the amount of people who can be on hold , please try back again , goodbye . " I continued calling them until I finally got through , I memorized the numerical prompts and cut the 10 minutes down to 6 . Finally I got through and was told it had been a massive mistake on the EDD 's end and this " never happens , " and they would send me my check and they were " very sorry for the inconvenience . " A couple days after I spent my portion of the mortgage on the interweb , I got another notification , at 2AM on a Tuesday morning ( yes , I was awake ) , saying they were cutting me off again , this time , it said I had been completely disqualified . I called first thing in the morning . I called 16 times and got hung up on every time . Olive was having a bad day and had been crying and inconsolable most of the day , I tried to call the EDD every time she got calm and meanwhile Sam was at work , watching the whole drama unfold on the nest camera and texting me saying , " I 'm coming home to help . " I told Sam I had to learn to do this on my own and he needed to stay at work . Eventually he decided to not listen to me and came home anyways to try and be of service to the situation . Of course the minute he walked in the door , Olive stopped crying and went to sleep . I burst out crying at that moment , I considered throwing my phone through the wall , I considered going to the EDD and doing things that would probably get me arrested and although I don 't have very many readers , I am aware that we are all being watched so I won 't say exactly what I wanted to do to them on here . I used to tune in to Ryan Seacrest every morning on my way to work at 8 : 10AM for the birthday giveaway . I tried for 3 years to get through to him and win that $ 10 , 000 . I never even got past the busy signal . That was two weeks ago . This morning , when I logged into my bank account , to make sure my next payment went through , I was not surprisingly surprised to find that it had not in fact been deposited into my hollow bank account . I logged onto the EDD website . Those nice people disqualified me again . I wondered what once in a lifetime major mistake they made this time , for the third time in two months on my account . I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number and settled in for a long day of back to back calls . As I listened to the annoying automated bitch start her 6 minute onslaught , I considered , that robbing a bank , would probably be an easier way to get my money . You know when your Monday starts off with you waking up to your 80 pound dog falling out of your bed that is 4 feet off the ground , with a stumbling crash , followed up by your oatmeal exploding in the microwave , that it probably is going to be an off day . You probably would be better served heading back to bed . But you have a newborn , so going back to bed and starting off on a different side , perhaps , the right side , is not an option . Nobody told us at our breastfeeding class in the hospital , what to do if you didn 't make any milk . All they told us is " breast is best . " If you don 't breastfeed and you formula feed then your baby will have a fucked up gut and none of the good bacterias for a healthy intestine and your baby will grow up maladjusted to life and probably become an alcoholic . ( They didn 't say the alcoholic part , but being that that is in her DNA , everything that could disrupt her peaceful existence , results in alcoholism in my mind ) . In the hospital we had problems with latching . The sweetest lactation consultant lady called Rosemary came by and tried to help but the day Olive was born was a very busy day for babies being born in the hospital so Rosemary was being pulled this way and that and she didn 't get to spend too much time with us . When we weren 't getting the latch right , Rosemary showed us how to hand express the colostrum into a spoon . She yanked and pulled and squeezed on my boobs for about 45 minutes and that produced less than a teaspoon of colostrum which was then sucked up into the tiniest syringe you have ever seen . Sam then sterilized his hands and stuck his pinky in Olive 's mouth and every time she would suck he would squeeze out one tiny hash mark of the syringe into her mouth . This whole process took possibly hours , I don 't know , but we continued to do it at every feeding . By the time we got home from the hospital we were getting a couple teaspoons of colostrum at every feeding and a few syringes full to give to her but my milk did not come in . Sam called Rosemary aWe were home from the hospital for 24 hours with no wet diapers when we called the pediatrician 's office , quite concerned . Actually , Sam called the office while I was taking a nap . By the time I had woken up from my nap , Sam had spoken to them , they had said he needed to start formula because she wasn 't getting enough fluids , and he had been to the office and back home with about 64 free samples of different formulas for her . That was around 3PM . I woke up to this news and just wept . I cried for hours . I was a failure . Our baby 's tummy would be ruined and she would have chronic stomach problems for life . I refused to give her the formula . We would wait . My milk was coming . I told Sam we needed to wait a few hours , he just wanted to feed our baby . We waited , but it didn 't come . At midnight , 9 hours later , I was in hysterics and finally conceded that we must give her formula . I was told by a trusted friend that up until 10 years ago , breastfeeding was for the poor people and all the wealthy people used formula and there was nothing wrong with that ( I thought of all the rich people that went through rehabs I worked at and figured it was probably because they were formula fed , of course it was , I had discovered one of the leading causes of alcoholism and a great scientific paper would be written on my discovery ) . She also asked me if I would rather starve my baby than give her formula , that got through my thick skull . Olive peed about 3 hours after starting the formula and I cried again , with joy . I called a lactation specialist the next morning . The second they picked up the phone I started blubbering crying . Somehow , the angel of a lady on the other line , worked out what I was trying to say through my tears . I imagine this wasn 't the first call of this nature she had gotten . She told me they would send someone out the next day , she told me not to distress , that my " milk fairy " would come in that night and I 'd wake up the next morning looking like Pamela Anderson , these were her words , not mine . I diI woke up the next morning to milk soaking through my tank top and my sheets . That was the most milk I made for a while . The lactation consultant arrived , she was brilliant , and I do believe , a whole blog could be written on that experience , so I will save it , but I have to say she had many amazing phrases such as " your baby is going to eat at the Breastaurant , let 's make this an enjoyable experience for her ! " And , a good way to remember how to feed her was one boob was the " appetizer " then you switched and gave the " entree and dessert " on the next boob , then the next time you pumped , start on the opposite boob . It 's all very scientific . Sam spoke to his friend and fellow dad Chris , who told Sam he doesn 't look at boobs the same way anymore , he has come to believe that boobs are very " utilitarian . " I had trouble making enough milk and when we would run out , instead of freaking out and starving my baby , I would run for the formula and get it in her as soon as possible . I started taking Fenugreek and eating different foods to help with milk production and doing everything possible to become a milk producing factory . Apparently Guinness is good for milk production but that may be taking it a little too far I figured , since in less than a month I would have 11 years sober , although it would make for the most interesting relapse story I ever heard . So I also started Brewer 's Yeast on my oatmeal along with a few other milk making disgusting tasting cardboardy food items . Turns out our baby is colicky and one of the number one colic causing foods is Brewer 's Yeast , so that had to be taken out of the regimen . I started drinking Mother 's Milk tea with every meal and between every meal , I basically was on an IV drip of the stuff . Slowly but surely , I started making enough to feed our baby . I didn 't have extras like a lot of people I knew who were able to freeze some , but I made just enough everyday to feed her . I did do something sacrilegious the other day . We ran out of milk and I put the little extra breast milk I had in case of growth spurts , in my coffee and oatmeal . It did seem a little cannibalistic , but I just tried to look at it as me becoming very resourceful . I hope she doesn 't need that milk this week . I took out the diaper trash can a couple days later and found my wilted and withering orchid on top of the trash bin outside . I had kept that orchid alive longer than any other plant I ever had . Sam had given it to me for Valentine 's day this year and it had survived , it was a survivor . I read up about how to keep an orchid alive and it said one ice cube a week , so I did just that , all the way up until moving to the new house . Then when we had to vacate our house for the whole summer , I left my poor orchid behind and it died without it 's weekly ice cube feedings . When your house floods with shit , I imagine it 's similar to any other natural disaster , you get the bare necessities , the photo albums , the favorite clothes that you can 't live without , the important documents from the file cabinet . . . you don 't think to bring the orchid . I immediately grabbed my poor forlorn orchid out of the trash heap and brought it inside the house , determined to resurrect it back to life . I must feed my orchid ! ! I have four plants now that I tend to . I have a mini rose that my mom brought me when I was on bed rest in the apartment , he is really struggling . I have a bonsai Olive tree that one of Sam 's mom , Jane , art curator type friends / clients gave Olive as a welcome home present . I have a baby Olive tree that Jane gave us . The Bonsai Olive and the Olive seem to be thriving . And I have an orchid , and I really hope I can save her . All of a sudden all lives matter . Plant lives matter . I want to feed everyone in the world and start with everyone in this house . I find myself watering the babies and speaking to them , in the strange manner that I used to watch Sam 's grandma Ann speak to all her plants . I never understood why she did that , but Ann wasn 't a woman that you questioned . Now I get it , she was encouraging them to grow . I ask them what they need and speak to them and tell them good morning , because nobody wants to be ignored , that would be very lonely . My poor orchid almost perished this summer because she was all aMy boobs were killing me the past few days and I was pretty sure if it wasn 't mastitis then it was definitely engorgement and I read online that you could solve this problem with wet or dry heat prior to pumping or feeding . So after the 4am feeding I saw an opportunity in Stewie . He was laying on Sam 's side of the bed , keeping it warm while Sam was trying to put Olive to sleep , ( which involves clocking miles walking back and forth through our house while bouncing and shsssing the baby until she drifts off ) . Sam finally came back in the room and I asked him if he 'd mind pushing Stewie around to face the other way so I could spoon him . Spooning would kill two birds with one stone , I could give Stewie a cuddle , which were few and far between and not nearly as often as they used to be ( it would alleviate some of my guilt ) , and I could take advantage of his dry heat to keep my boobs warm , sort of a symbiotic relationship . A couple hours later , I woke up to my poor dog crashing to the floor , I didn 't even know what was happening until I heard the crash . Sam had just left for work and Stewie was jumping out of bed to run and look out the front window and watch him drive away , which is his way of saying goodbye to daddy until he comes home later . He had been right on the edge of the bed because I was so selfish , and was using him to ease my conscience and my boobs and he misjudged where he was and fell out of the fucking bed . I ran after Stewie to see if he was okay , he looked okay , no limping , no yelping . I decided I should get started on the day as the crashing commotion had the baby stirring already . I put my oatmeal ( a great milk producer according to all the important sources ) , in the glass dish that it always explodes over in , and I always forget that it does that . I made my coffee . I opened the microwave to doctor my oatmeal with flaxseed and coconut oil ( also milk producers ) sans Brewer 's Yeast , and found it exploded everywhere . This is when I realized if I didn 't have a baby I would probably go back Posted by A few hours after I posted my blog , " A River ( of shit ) Runs Through It , " I came out to the living room to find a very down trodden looking husband . " Where is the happy ending baby , " he asked me ? He was upset . And why wouldn 't he be ? He spent the better part of his summer and every day from August to September working on building our house and making it a home . Up until this year , Sam 's summers consisted of working all day and then surfing every evening after work , he almost never missed a day of surf during the summer as long as I have known him . This summer he worked all day , got off , went to the house and started helping the contractors with their work . The last few weeks when they went past their completion date ( September 1st ) , I was on bedrest and my due date was looming in the future ( September 23rd ) , he was sometimes at the house until it was too dark to work anymore and would come back to our haunted apartment covered in paint and dirt and with cuts and bruises up and down his arms and legs and bags of groceries because he had to do that too . Why wouldn 't he be upset to see me post something so sad about the beautiful home he had built for us . " Babe , I wrote that 3 months ago ! ! " I told him . I could see he was still sad but was trying to be supportive of my entrance back into writing . " I will do a part two to the article , okay ? " I started writing " A River ( of shit ) Runs Through It , " our first night at the Residence Inn Extended Stay in Beverly Hills . I was up all night writing it because my head was so loud about all the events that had happened in a one week span , that I felt , if I didn 't get my thoughts out , i would never sleep . I ended up not sleeping anyways , I think I wrote until about 4am and had to be up at 6 : 30am for work . I posted the blog but never posted a post on facebook , and since I have about 2 followers from 3 years ago , who don 't even follow me , nobody ever knew I wrote it , and nobody ever saw it . But it was cathartic to get it out . The insurance company came A week after Travis came and visited the house , Sam called to see if he had any updates on what we would be getting . Travis didn 't work there anymore . Reading between the lines , he had been fired . We were told he was reassigned to a different case but Sam blew up his phone and email , emails bounced back and phone number no longer existed . Someone new was assigned to our case . We only had one point of contact before radio silence with the new guy for what I remember to be at least a week . The new guy called and said that he didn 't have a number for us , that he would have to come out and assess the situation , that Travis had made a mess of the job and nothing was done correctly , and that all this work for us would be put on hold because tornados were sweeping across the midwest and they were higher priority than our problems . Our one advocate in Travis was gone , this new guy didn 't care about us . The Saturday after Shitstorm , I went to my women 's secret society meeting in the morning . The night of the Shitstorm I had quite a few things going through my head , one of the ones in the forefront of my mind was , if I wasn 't pregnant right now , I would have a drink , I would get good and drunk . I was over 10 years sober . I did something at my meeting that morning that I hadn 't done in many years , I heard the old slogan in my head " you can 't save your ass and your face at the same time . " I raised my hand and shared . I shared how unhappy I was , I shared that I wanted to burn down my house , and I shared that I wanted to drink . Because it is a secret society , I can 't go into many more details than that , I 'm going to do my best to tell this part of the story as anonymous as I can but it is also part of my story , I hope I don 't offend anyone . A woman came up to me and told me she would help me if I was willing to go to any lengths , I didn 't know what that meant but I called her anyway because I figured , if it didn 't work , then as they say in my secret society , " they 'd refund my misery . " This woman said I would have to do some things differently , if i wanted to work with her , she asked what I was willing to do . I said I was willing to write anything she asked but not go to any secret society meetings , I didn 't have time to go to any outside of my Saturday morning . She said she wanted me to go to a meeting everyday until the baby was born , that would equate to about 90 meetings in 90 days . I told her she was crazy , did she realize I was almost 11 years sober ? She said take it or leave it . I started going to meetings everyday after work , I hated every single minute of it . In fact , I shared at meetings about how much I hated being in meetings but I had no idea what else to do and I was pretty sure drinking wouldn 't solve my problems . I was a real asshole , I basically told them all to go fuck themselves . It was the same thing I did when I first came to the secret society 14 years before , toldThe housing company eventually moved us to an apartment in Playa Vista . The apartment , built on the burial grounds of Tongva indians was haunted . The fire alarms went off every single day of the week , first time it happened the firemen that came told us that they were there every day of the week and that it was built on Indian burial grounds and never should have been , no kidding , they dug up 417 Tongva Indian skeletons and I wonder if it was worth it , if the developers would do it again , because I 'm sure I wasn 't the only person calling them asking them to fix the fire alarms and the elevators every day of the week and I only lived there for two months . And yes , the elevators were broken at least once a week and we were on the fourth floor , much to Stewie 's chagrin . I would get home from work , find the elevators broken and walk up one flight at a time , 40 pounds heavier than my normal body weight and I would stop and sit down at every flight to catch my breath . Stewie hated it just as much as the hotel and the only solace he found was laying in my pregnancy pillow , every time I came home , I found him curled up inside of it . Around the middle of August , my friends Sarah and Joey and their kids came to visit us , we went to the house to check on the progress , I hadn 't seen it in a few weeks and they hadn 't seen it at all . Their daughter found an earring on the floor and brought it to me , I asked her where she found it and she pointed to a spot on the floor , I walked over and found a pile of rat poop , upon further investigation , the whole living room and kitchen had rat poop scattered around . I won 't go into my second mental breakdown but I was forbidden to go back to the house after that . I 'm running out of time so I 'm going to skip the bed rest and the high blood pressure and the laying on the couch in haunted apartment for last month and we will make that into a blog for when I have nothing to write about . Right now , I have tons of inspiration . We moved back into the house on September 11th , 2016 after being out for over two months . I had not seen the house in almost a month when we moved back in , it was safer that way . The house was beautiful . Better than I could ever imagine . Still , now a month since we have lived here , I go from room to room thinking , I can 't believe this is mine , I can 't believe how flipping lucky I am that my house flooded with shit . The truth is , when we bought the house , I knew it was a good investment but I didn 't love the house . Like I said , there was a lot I wanted to change , in ten years when we could hopefully afford to . I never imagined that it would happen in ten weeks ! I feel like the guy in Spring Breakers ( quite possibly the stupidest movie of all time that I ever wasted 1 hour and 34 minutes of my life on ) , " look at all my stuff , look at all my things , " except I don 't say it out loud because I 'd sound like a dick , I just say it in my head to myself . I love my house . I love my shower . I love that Stewie can play in the backyard and those fucking fleas are finally dead after round 500 of flea control coming to our house . A few days after we came home with the baby , our hot wateI got a lot of advice from people this summer telling us we should sue and that we had a case against the previous owners for not disclosing any of the problems with the house , which according to them , all started the day they gave us the keys . In the beginning , I was so angry , I really did want to ruin and destroy them . Someone just the other day suggested we sue again . I can 't stand an ambulance chaser . I 'm not trying to be greedy , we already came out way ahead . I didn 't even get into the fact that the second insurance guy that we were weary about ended up being even better than Travis and they even ended up paying for a significant part of the plumbing . It would be bad karma to even think about trying to get more than we have , when we already have been way overpaid . We were taken such good care of this summer . I sometimes stop and wonder if it was because the insurance company thought we might be ambulance chasers and they didn 't like the sound of 7 month pregnant women left living in shit house and insurance does nothing to help . Were they so good to us because I was pregnant or did we just have brilliant insurance ? Sam 's mom and Stepdad have started coming every Thursday for dinner . Two Thursdays ago , they brought a bottle of wine to have with their dinner and they each had a glass . When they were leaving to go home , Jane went to pull out the cork and pour the wine down the sink . Ever the good alcoholic , even when I 'm not drinking , I wanted to know what the heck she thought she was doing and why would she waste that ? I thought maybe she thought it was triggering to have it in our house so she was trying to help us . She said Burt would never drink white wine that had already been opened . I told her my parents were coming up that weekend and they had no qualms about drinking already opened wine and it would be nice for me to have something to offer them , so she left it . My mom and dad came up that weekend and we had Shrimp and Oyster Po Boy sandwiches from Bayou Grille and I was able to offer them wine with their sandwiches . I got a message from my friend Sherah last week that a client we had shared and sober companioned together had died of an overdose . I really liked her . It would have still been sad if I didn 't like her . Young , beautiful girl , she was so funny and fun to be around which was rare with our job , usually I really didn 't like my companion clients and I can count on my hand the ones I worked with that I did . Most of them had no desire for help and as a result treated us like glorified babysitters , which we were . I felt so bad for this girls family . Last week Jane and Burt came with another bottle of wine . I didn 't even realize they did , until later that night when I was putting my pumped milk in the fridge and saw it sitting there , a bottle of wine next to all my pumped bags of milk . I realized , staring at that green bottle , that just 3 months ago , in July , I wanted to drink . And I actually may have , had it been sitting right there in front of me . I wondered about Cameron and how long she stayed sober after we worked with her . Because I had a bottle of wine , sitting in my fridge , and no desire to drinkThis evening , Sam got home from work and I finished feeding Ollie and put her in the sling and turned on Elton John . We have had a rough few days of lots of crying and not so much sleeping . We had been trying to do this cry it out thing but it just wasn 't working for us and the sound of her crying literally shredded my soul . We decided we would try again in a few months when she was a little older . There are so many different books and different ideas and Sam and I are trying to merge all of our ideas and find what works best for us and Ollie . It was a long day today and I spent half of it , dealing with my other child and his itchy paws and bathing him and rubbing him down in coconut oil everywhere and then putting socks on in an effort to get him to not get the coconut oil all over our couch , and then giving him Benadryl because he wouldn 't move from his place on the floor when the socks were on , and doing all this with an almost 4 week old hanging in a sling . So like i was saying , Sam got home from work , I put Ollie in her sling , because I discovered that she likes being in the sling after eating and she will fall asleep in there if Elton John is on and I dance a little and sing to her . I went outside and the sun was setting and Stewie who was hopped up on Benadryl and nodding off , followed Ollie and I out and sat watching us as we danced . Sam was inside watching the debate of the century of two of the most horrendous monsters I have ever seen and I thought , what a strange world you have come into Ollie , where one of these two morons will become president . I texted Sam to pause the debate and come outside because it was so beautiful and the light was perfect on our house and it was a little cooler after about what felt like a 100 degree day and it felt so nice like fall was in the air . Sam came outside and the four of us sat on our porch looking out at the sunset , swaying to Elton John as the sun ducked down into the horizon and I thought , this is the fucking life . I 'm so grateful a woman in my secret socPosted by I fall asleep everywhere . Last week we went to the cardiologist to have my blood pressure evaluated further and Sam and I were the youngest people in a room surrounded by ancient artifacts of humans . I could hear a man probably in his eighties or nineties telling who may have been his caregiver a joke , and he was laughing away , full of so much life . Meanwhile , Sam and I , the youngest two people in this room were sleeping on the waiting room couch like two junkies on the nod , almost dead . I went to get my nails done on Tuesday because I wanted to feel a little human again and I fell asleep when they started the foot massage . I fall asleep on the toilet sitting up in the middle of the night between feedings . I have a terrible fear of falling asleep sitting up feeding her and will nudge Sam to watch me and make sure my eyes are open because I don 't want to drop her . Despite all of this , I actually am getting more sleep now than I was the last month of being pregnant I think . I texted Joelene a couple weeks before Ollie was born that I couldn 't wait for her to be here and finally get some sleep , she texted back with " hahahahahahahahahah . " She proceeded to tell me that yes , I would get some sleep , in a few years . I am getting more than I was getting before she was born , when I was up all night , unable to find a comfortable position , wide awake from laying down 22 hours out of the day ( doctor 's orders ) . My legs would crawl and itch and jump and I would try to shove them under pillows and the crack in the couch in order to stop the jumping because it kept me up and slowly drove me insane until I would pray to god to stop the crawling and think about what sweet relief it would be to saw my legs off . I 'm definitely sleeping more now . I get between 3 and 5 hours every night , depending on the night . And it turns out , I don 't really need more than that ! I used to love sleep , it was my way of checking out , the way normal people may have a glass of wine . I find myself being more productive than I have been my whoDespite all this sleep deprivation , we have a REALLY good baby . I mean , I have no prior experience to base this off of . I never really cared for babies until I had my own , so I wasn 't paying too much attention . Now all of a sudden I 'm the corniest , gushiest human on the planet . I know I don 't have the market cornered on baby loving , but I care about other people 's children out of nowhere , or out of somewhere , out of Olivewhere . Although we have this tiny sleep terrorist , she is not crying all night long , she is just awake . According to witnesses to my infancy , I cried around the clock for the first year of my life , only stopping when taken on a car ride and as soon as the engine turned off I would start wailing again . But Ollie is just awake , she can 't figure out the difference between day and night yet , and she is ALWAYS hungry . Sam looks at her and her tummy looks like it may bust at the seams and she keeps eating . I can 't make milk fast enough to feed this hungry girl so we find ourselves in the middle of the night supplementing with formula when the milk vampire has drained my supply and my boobs feel like they have been cut open from the inside out with razor blades . My friend Alissa had a baby two weeks before us , it 's her second so she is a bit more evolved than myself . She says anytime Marlo breaks the cycle or is up all night when he slept the whole night before , she just says to herself , " growth spurt . " So when Sam is freaking out , saying he thinks we may be overfeeding our child , I just say , " she 's going through a growth spurt , and we can 't put our baby on a diet , she 's not a goldfish who will eat until she explodes , she will stop , when she is full . " So what do I do during these sometimes 3 or 4 hour awake stretches at night ? One of three things . One , I online shop , because I was on bed rest that last month and we didn 't have our house until 12 days before she was born , I never got to nest . Women have a cavewoman pull and desire to build a nice home for their babies , I was deprived of this . So I shop for house stuff , for anything and everything we need , the list never stops . Two , I look up baby questions I have . This is a very interesting one because during my pregnancy , I forbade myself to go online and research symptoms , I spent the first three months doing that and every time I went online , I was convinced I was going to have a miscarriage . I had a pretty difficult pregnancy between a barrage of different health problems and a very dark depression that could have been situational ( read blog " A River ( of Shit ) Runs Through It , " but I think it was deeper than that . Now that she is here , I look up everything , because I know nothing about babies ; can she get a regular bath if the majority of her cord has fallen off but there is still a little piece or do I continue sponge baths ? Is it safe to take her out in public before her first round of shots at 2 months ? Is it normal that she holds a bottle on her own or is she a genius ? Is it normal that she already grabs her feet , or is she a genius ? Does every mother thing their baby is a genius ? Three , I research ways to improve milk supply . I start with why is my milk supply low ? I get tons of ads for supplements to improve milk supply . I see huge bruises on my legs that were not the result of hitting anything , they just appeared . I was anemic during pregnancy and the doctor said it could happen again postpartum , I google , does anemia cause low milk supply , yes , it does ! Eat more meat , you can 't take Iron supplements when breast feeding . Then there is the coconut oil . We started mixing in a teaspoon of coconut oil to Stewie 's food a few weeks ago because he was chewing his paws like crazy and I read that thIlya and Caitlin came by this weekend with a huge basket for Ollie and a pillow of a Boxer that is the spitting image of Stewie as a housewarming gift . They understand me . I love dog people . They probably don 't know this but I still remember what they got us for our wedding present , they bought us the one gift that was actually for Stewie on our registry , a big plush dog bed . A few nights later , Stewie doesn 't come into bed , perhaps he thinks he will sleep better on the couch . I go out to kiss him goodnight and he is on the couch curled up in front of his new pillow with his face nose to nose with the dog on the pillow . I have a stabbing in my gut that he believes we have bought him this new fake dog pillow friend to replace us in his lives and we want him to be best friends with this pillow now . I wonder if it is a coincidence and he just fell asleep in that position , so I look between him and the pillow to see if his eyes are closed , but they are open , and he is looking soulfully at the fake dog embroidered on the pillow , perhaps longing for him to wake up like the Velveteen Rabbit . I can 't help but wonder if Stewie thinks the pillow is his new friend , his only friend . I give him a big kiss and a cuddle and ask him to get up and come to bed but he doesn 't want to tonight , tonight he wants to sleep on his own in the living room , I give him his space . I wake up on Tuesday , the morning after Stewie slept alone . We have gotten a lot of sleep ! I hear Sam 's voice calling Stewie in the distance ( he 's really just right behind me but he sounds a million miles away ) . Stewie comes running in and jumps into bed with us . I lay between Sam and Stewie and Ollie . . . . . I know it 's the perfect kodak moment but like so many other perfect shots , there is nobody here to take a picture . So I close my eyes and try to suck up every sensory memory from this moment in a mental snapshot and remember it later today and Wednesday and Thursday when she goes back to barely sleeping at all . |
My mom used to say I have a champagne taste on a beer budget . Managing money has never been my forte . When we started talking about buying a house , I had to look at my bank accounts . Well actually , the bank people that we were applying for the loan with wanted to see both of our bank accounts , so I decided to take a peek first . I had never in my whole life looked at what I was spending my money on . I just figured , it 's expensive to live in Los Angeles , so I just will live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life or until I get my big break . I had never actually looked at a budget though . I had had multiple people , including a therapist who I complained about never having money to and that being why I was sad , tell me , that I should start a budget , but it seemed like a lot of work . So when we went to apply for a loan , I thought it would be wise if I looked at where all my money was going to , before I shared my bank account information with my husband and the loan dude , just so I could explain myself if things got weird . Turns out , I was spending a fortune every month on food delivery services , whether it be yummy . com or postmates , I was spending a LOT of money on them . I am too embarrassed to say how much but let 's put it this way , after not doing that for about 4 months , I had saved almost $ 5000 , before that , I did live paycheck to paycheck every month , so you do the math . Can you imagine how much money I would have if I listened to that fucking therapist and started a budget ten years ago ? These food delivery services are very duplicitous , Sam would say to me , " babe , did you really just order milk from yummy . com , I would have gotten it on my way home from work . " And I would tell him that I really needed the milk and that it was only $ 20 ( which looking at that in black and white , is really a huge inflation from the normal cost of a gallon of Milk ) . Then the next day , I would realize , I needed toilet paper , and order from yummy again . In my head , ordering from yummy . com was way better for my sanity theI had saved a considerable bit of money and was planning on using some of it to decorate our house . Keep in mind , I was deprived of the almost cavewoman like need to " nest " in my home . I never got to do it . Every woman who has ever been pregnant knows what I 'm talking about . I never got to for two reasons , I did not have a home until 12 days before Olive was born , and when we moved in those 12 days before , I was sentenced to the couch , so could not do anything . I wasn 't even allowed to decorate the nursery . Joelene and Andy came over the day we moved in and they decorated as I shouted orders from the couch . . . occasionally I was allowed to go into the room and check the progress but only if I laid on the floor to do it . I would try to sit up and Joelene would bark , " I 'm not going to help you and I 'm going to leave if you lift your head once more . " So after Olive was born and we came home , I went a little off the deep end . I was making up for lost time . I think it started with a pair of boxer leggings . I decided that Olive needed a pair of leggings with boxer dogs all over them . I didn 't even know if they existed , but I googled them anyway . Lo and behold , there was a company that made leggings with boxer dogs all over them . I was checking out when I noticed they also had Christmas donut leggings and reindeer leggings , and sushi leggings , and leggings with dinosaurs and roses on them , and turkey leggings . I had to have them all . In my defense , during checkout , I took the turkey leggings out of the cart , she would only be able to wear those one day which didn 't seem too cost effective . After my order ( which was placed a month ago now and I still haven 't received ) , I got a thank you note from the seller and she asked me to follow her on instagram , which I did . And shortly after following her on instagram , all the baby clothing sites started popping up in my feed and asking me to follow them and soon I was following over 30 different baby clothing , accessory , paraphernalia sites . When I was in college in psychology 101 class they taught us that , P . T . Barnum ( of Barnum and Bailey Circus ) , coined the phrase , " there 's a sucker born every minute . " They were referring to the things people will waste their money on at circus ' and the like and the tricks of the eye and slight of hand things people will pay to see . I just researched this to fact check it and he is actually attributed with saying that , but it may have been another dude . It may have been a dude named Michael Cassius McDonald who was referring to the roulette wheel ( which is interesting because it is another weakness of mine ) . My point is , whoever coined the phrase , I am the sucker . And boy am I a sucker for online shopping for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING at 4am when I 'm feeding a baby and have only slept a few hours in the last few days and it seems that I may actually die of exhaustion but ITwo days before Olive was born , I got a call from the EDD saying I was cut off . That was weird , I only had received one check . I called them and listened to a 10 minute long automated message and when I got to the end was told " we 're sorry , we have exceeded the amount of people who can be on hold , please try back again , goodbye . " I continued calling them until I finally got through , I memorized the numerical prompts and cut the 10 minutes down to 6 . Finally I got through and was told it had been a massive mistake on the EDD 's end and this " never happens , " and they would send me my check and they were " very sorry for the inconvenience . " A couple days after I spent my portion of the mortgage on the interweb , I got another notification , at 2AM on a Tuesday morning ( yes , I was awake ) , saying they were cutting me off again , this time , it said I had been completely disqualified . I called first thing in the morning . I called 16 times and got hung up on every time . Olive was having a bad day and had been crying and inconsolable most of the day , I tried to call the EDD every time she got calm and meanwhile Sam was at work , watching the whole drama unfold on the nest camera and texting me saying , " I 'm coming home to help . " I told Sam I had to learn to do this on my own and he needed to stay at work . Eventually he decided to not listen to me and came home anyways to try and be of service to the situation . Of course the minute he walked in the door , Olive stopped crying and went to sleep . I burst out crying at that moment , I considered throwing my phone through the wall , I considered going to the EDD and doing things that would probably get me arrested and although I don 't have very many readers , I am aware that we are all being watched so I won 't say exactly what I wanted to do to them on here . I used to tune in to Ryan Seacrest every morning on my way to work at 8 : 10AM for the birthday giveaway . I tried for 3 years to get through to him and win that $ 10 , 000 . I never even got past the busy signal . That was two weeks ago . This morning , when I logged into my bank account , to make sure my next payment went through , I was not surprisingly surprised to find that it had not in fact been deposited into my hollow bank account . I logged onto the EDD website . Those nice people disqualified me again . I wondered what once in a lifetime major mistake they made this time , for the third time in two months on my account . I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number and settled in for a long day of back to back calls . As I listened to the annoying automated bitch start her 6 minute onslaught , I considered , that robbing a bank , would probably be an easier way to get my money . You know when your Monday starts off with you waking up to your 80 pound dog falling out of your bed that is 4 feet off the ground , with a stumbling crash , followed up by your oatmeal exploding in the microwave , that it probably is going to be an off day . You probably would be better served heading back to bed . But you have a newborn , so going back to bed and starting off on a different side , perhaps , the right side , is not an option . Nobody told us at our breastfeeding class in the hospital , what to do if you didn 't make any milk . All they told us is " breast is best . " If you don 't breastfeed and you formula feed then your baby will have a fucked up gut and none of the good bacterias for a healthy intestine and your baby will grow up maladjusted to life and probably become an alcoholic . ( They didn 't say the alcoholic part , but being that that is in her DNA , everything that could disrupt her peaceful existence , results in alcoholism in my mind ) . In the hospital we had problems with latching . The sweetest lactation consultant lady called Rosemary came by and tried to help but the day Olive was born was a very busy day for babies being born in the hospital so Rosemary was being pulled this way and that and she didn 't get to spend too much time with us . When we weren 't getting the latch right , Rosemary showed us how to hand express the colostrum into a spoon . She yanked and pulled and squeezed on my boobs for about 45 minutes and that produced less than a teaspoon of colostrum which was then sucked up into the tiniest syringe you have ever seen . Sam then sterilized his hands and stuck his pinky in Olive 's mouth and every time she would suck he would squeeze out one tiny hash mark of the syringe into her mouth . This whole process took possibly hours , I don 't know , but we continued to do it at every feeding . By the time we got home from the hospital we were getting a couple teaspoons of colostrum at every feeding and a few syringes full to give to her but my milk did not come in . Sam called Rosemary aWe were home from the hospital for 24 hours with no wet diapers when we called the pediatrician 's office , quite concerned . Actually , Sam called the office while I was taking a nap . By the time I had woken up from my nap , Sam had spoken to them , they had said he needed to start formula because she wasn 't getting enough fluids , and he had been to the office and back home with about 64 free samples of different formulas for her . That was around 3PM . I woke up to this news and just wept . I cried for hours . I was a failure . Our baby 's tummy would be ruined and she would have chronic stomach problems for life . I refused to give her the formula . We would wait . My milk was coming . I told Sam we needed to wait a few hours , he just wanted to feed our baby . We waited , but it didn 't come . At midnight , 9 hours later , I was in hysterics and finally conceded that we must give her formula . I was told by a trusted friend that up until 10 years ago , breastfeeding was for the poor people and all the wealthy people used formula and there was nothing wrong with that ( I thought of all the rich people that went through rehabs I worked at and figured it was probably because they were formula fed , of course it was , I had discovered one of the leading causes of alcoholism and a great scientific paper would be written on my discovery ) . She also asked me if I would rather starve my baby than give her formula , that got through my thick skull . Olive peed about 3 hours after starting the formula and I cried again , with joy . I called a lactation specialist the next morning . The second they picked up the phone I started blubbering crying . Somehow , the angel of a lady on the other line , worked out what I was trying to say through my tears . I imagine this wasn 't the first call of this nature she had gotten . She told me they would send someone out the next day , she told me not to distress , that my " milk fairy " would come in that night and I 'd wake up the next morning looking like Pamela Anderson , these were her words , not mine . I diI woke up the next morning to milk soaking through my tank top and my sheets . That was the most milk I made for a while . The lactation consultant arrived , she was brilliant , and I do believe , a whole blog could be written on that experience , so I will save it , but I have to say she had many amazing phrases such as " your baby is going to eat at the Breastaurant , let 's make this an enjoyable experience for her ! " And , a good way to remember how to feed her was one boob was the " appetizer " then you switched and gave the " entree and dessert " on the next boob , then the next time you pumped , start on the opposite boob . It 's all very scientific . Sam spoke to his friend and fellow dad Chris , who told Sam he doesn 't look at boobs the same way anymore , he has come to believe that boobs are very " utilitarian . " I had trouble making enough milk and when we would run out , instead of freaking out and starving my baby , I would run for the formula and get it in her as soon as possible . I started taking Fenugreek and eating different foods to help with milk production and doing everything possible to become a milk producing factory . Apparently Guinness is good for milk production but that may be taking it a little too far I figured , since in less than a month I would have 11 years sober , although it would make for the most interesting relapse story I ever heard . So I also started Brewer 's Yeast on my oatmeal along with a few other milk making disgusting tasting cardboardy food items . Turns out our baby is colicky and one of the number one colic causing foods is Brewer 's Yeast , so that had to be taken out of the regimen . I started drinking Mother 's Milk tea with every meal and between every meal , I basically was on an IV drip of the stuff . Slowly but surely , I started making enough to feed our baby . I didn 't have extras like a lot of people I knew who were able to freeze some , but I made just enough everyday to feed her . I did do something sacrilegious the other day . We ran out of milk and I put the little extra breast milk I had in case of growth spurts , in my coffee and oatmeal . It did seem a little cannibalistic , but I just tried to look at it as me becoming very resourceful . I hope she doesn 't need that milk this week . I took out the diaper trash can a couple days later and found my wilted and withering orchid on top of the trash bin outside . I had kept that orchid alive longer than any other plant I ever had . Sam had given it to me for Valentine 's day this year and it had survived , it was a survivor . I read up about how to keep an orchid alive and it said one ice cube a week , so I did just that , all the way up until moving to the new house . Then when we had to vacate our house for the whole summer , I left my poor orchid behind and it died without it 's weekly ice cube feedings . When your house floods with shit , I imagine it 's similar to any other natural disaster , you get the bare necessities , the photo albums , the favorite clothes that you can 't live without , the important documents from the file cabinet . . . you don 't think to bring the orchid . I immediately grabbed my poor forlorn orchid out of the trash heap and brought it inside the house , determined to resurrect it back to life . I must feed my orchid ! ! I have four plants now that I tend to . I have a mini rose that my mom brought me when I was on bed rest in the apartment , he is really struggling . I have a bonsai Olive tree that one of Sam 's mom , Jane , art curator type friends / clients gave Olive as a welcome home present . I have a baby Olive tree that Jane gave us . The Bonsai Olive and the Olive seem to be thriving . And I have an orchid , and I really hope I can save her . All of a sudden all lives matter . Plant lives matter . I want to feed everyone in the world and start with everyone in this house . I find myself watering the babies and speaking to them , in the strange manner that I used to watch Sam 's grandma Ann speak to all her plants . I never understood why she did that , but Ann wasn 't a woman that you questioned . Now I get it , she was encouraging them to grow . I ask them what they need and speak to them and tell them good morning , because nobody wants to be ignored , that would be very lonely . My poor orchid almost perished this summer because she was all aMy boobs were killing me the past few days and I was pretty sure if it wasn 't mastitis then it was definitely engorgement and I read online that you could solve this problem with wet or dry heat prior to pumping or feeding . So after the 4am feeding I saw an opportunity in Stewie . He was laying on Sam 's side of the bed , keeping it warm while Sam was trying to put Olive to sleep , ( which involves clocking miles walking back and forth through our house while bouncing and shsssing the baby until she drifts off ) . Sam finally came back in the room and I asked him if he 'd mind pushing Stewie around to face the other way so I could spoon him . Spooning would kill two birds with one stone , I could give Stewie a cuddle , which were few and far between and not nearly as often as they used to be ( it would alleviate some of my guilt ) , and I could take advantage of his dry heat to keep my boobs warm , sort of a symbiotic relationship . A couple hours later , I woke up to my poor dog crashing to the floor , I didn 't even know what was happening until I heard the crash . Sam had just left for work and Stewie was jumping out of bed to run and look out the front window and watch him drive away , which is his way of saying goodbye to daddy until he comes home later . He had been right on the edge of the bed because I was so selfish , and was using him to ease my conscience and my boobs and he misjudged where he was and fell out of the fucking bed . I ran after Stewie to see if he was okay , he looked okay , no limping , no yelping . I decided I should get started on the day as the crashing commotion had the baby stirring already . I put my oatmeal ( a great milk producer according to all the important sources ) , in the glass dish that it always explodes over in , and I always forget that it does that . I made my coffee . I opened the microwave to doctor my oatmeal with flaxseed and coconut oil ( also milk producers ) sans Brewer 's Yeast , and found it exploded everywhere . This is when I realized if I didn 't have a baby I would probably go back Posted by A few hours after I posted my blog , " A River ( of shit ) Runs Through It , " I came out to the living room to find a very down trodden looking husband . " Where is the happy ending baby , " he asked me ? He was upset . And why wouldn 't he be ? He spent the better part of his summer and every day from August to September working on building our house and making it a home . Up until this year , Sam 's summers consisted of working all day and then surfing every evening after work , he almost never missed a day of surf during the summer as long as I have known him . This summer he worked all day , got off , went to the house and started helping the contractors with their work . The last few weeks when they went past their completion date ( September 1st ) , I was on bedrest and my due date was looming in the future ( September 23rd ) , he was sometimes at the house until it was too dark to work anymore and would come back to our haunted apartment covered in paint and dirt and with cuts and bruises up and down his arms and legs and bags of groceries because he had to do that too . Why wouldn 't he be upset to see me post something so sad about the beautiful home he had built for us . " Babe , I wrote that 3 months ago ! ! " I told him . I could see he was still sad but was trying to be supportive of my entrance back into writing . " I will do a part two to the article , okay ? " I started writing " A River ( of shit ) Runs Through It , " our first night at the Residence Inn Extended Stay in Beverly Hills . I was up all night writing it because my head was so loud about all the events that had happened in a one week span , that I felt , if I didn 't get my thoughts out , i would never sleep . I ended up not sleeping anyways , I think I wrote until about 4am and had to be up at 6 : 30am for work . I posted the blog but never posted a post on facebook , and since I have about 2 followers from 3 years ago , who don 't even follow me , nobody ever knew I wrote it , and nobody ever saw it . But it was cathartic to get it out . The insurance company came A week after Travis came and visited the house , Sam called to see if he had any updates on what we would be getting . Travis didn 't work there anymore . Reading between the lines , he had been fired . We were told he was reassigned to a different case but Sam blew up his phone and email , emails bounced back and phone number no longer existed . Someone new was assigned to our case . We only had one point of contact before radio silence with the new guy for what I remember to be at least a week . The new guy called and said that he didn 't have a number for us , that he would have to come out and assess the situation , that Travis had made a mess of the job and nothing was done correctly , and that all this work for us would be put on hold because tornados were sweeping across the midwest and they were higher priority than our problems . Our one advocate in Travis was gone , this new guy didn 't care about us . The Saturday after Shitstorm , I went to my women 's secret society meeting in the morning . The night of the Shitstorm I had quite a few things going through my head , one of the ones in the forefront of my mind was , if I wasn 't pregnant right now , I would have a drink , I would get good and drunk . I was over 10 years sober . I did something at my meeting that morning that I hadn 't done in many years , I heard the old slogan in my head " you can 't save your ass and your face at the same time . " I raised my hand and shared . I shared how unhappy I was , I shared that I wanted to burn down my house , and I shared that I wanted to drink . Because it is a secret society , I can 't go into many more details than that , I 'm going to do my best to tell this part of the story as anonymous as I can but it is also part of my story , I hope I don 't offend anyone . A woman came up to me and told me she would help me if I was willing to go to any lengths , I didn 't know what that meant but I called her anyway because I figured , if it didn 't work , then as they say in my secret society , " they 'd refund my misery . " This woman said I would have to do some things differently , if i wanted to work with her , she asked what I was willing to do . I said I was willing to write anything she asked but not go to any secret society meetings , I didn 't have time to go to any outside of my Saturday morning . She said she wanted me to go to a meeting everyday until the baby was born , that would equate to about 90 meetings in 90 days . I told her she was crazy , did she realize I was almost 11 years sober ? She said take it or leave it . I started going to meetings everyday after work , I hated every single minute of it . In fact , I shared at meetings about how much I hated being in meetings but I had no idea what else to do and I was pretty sure drinking wouldn 't solve my problems . I was a real asshole , I basically told them all to go fuck themselves . It was the same thing I did when I first came to the secret society 14 years before , toldThe housing company eventually moved us to an apartment in Playa Vista . The apartment , built on the burial grounds of Tongva indians was haunted . The fire alarms went off every single day of the week , first time it happened the firemen that came told us that they were there every day of the week and that it was built on Indian burial grounds and never should have been , no kidding , they dug up 417 Tongva Indian skeletons and I wonder if it was worth it , if the developers would do it again , because I 'm sure I wasn 't the only person calling them asking them to fix the fire alarms and the elevators every day of the week and I only lived there for two months . And yes , the elevators were broken at least once a week and we were on the fourth floor , much to Stewie 's chagrin . I would get home from work , find the elevators broken and walk up one flight at a time , 40 pounds heavier than my normal body weight and I would stop and sit down at every flight to catch my breath . Stewie hated it just as much as the hotel and the only solace he found was laying in my pregnancy pillow , every time I came home , I found him curled up inside of it . Around the middle of August , my friends Sarah and Joey and their kids came to visit us , we went to the house to check on the progress , I hadn 't seen it in a few weeks and they hadn 't seen it at all . Their daughter found an earring on the floor and brought it to me , I asked her where she found it and she pointed to a spot on the floor , I walked over and found a pile of rat poop , upon further investigation , the whole living room and kitchen had rat poop scattered around . I won 't go into my second mental breakdown but I was forbidden to go back to the house after that . I 'm running out of time so I 'm going to skip the bed rest and the high blood pressure and the laying on the couch in haunted apartment for last month and we will make that into a blog for when I have nothing to write about . Right now , I have tons of inspiration . We moved back into the house on September 11th , 2016 after being out for over two months . I had not seen the house in almost a month when we moved back in , it was safer that way . The house was beautiful . Better than I could ever imagine . Still , now a month since we have lived here , I go from room to room thinking , I can 't believe this is mine , I can 't believe how flipping lucky I am that my house flooded with shit . The truth is , when we bought the house , I knew it was a good investment but I didn 't love the house . Like I said , there was a lot I wanted to change , in ten years when we could hopefully afford to . I never imagined that it would happen in ten weeks ! I feel like the guy in Spring Breakers ( quite possibly the stupidest movie of all time that I ever wasted 1 hour and 34 minutes of my life on ) , " look at all my stuff , look at all my things , " except I don 't say it out loud because I 'd sound like a dick , I just say it in my head to myself . I love my house . I love my shower . I love that Stewie can play in the backyard and those fucking fleas are finally dead after round 500 of flea control coming to our house . A few days after we came home with the baby , our hot wateI got a lot of advice from people this summer telling us we should sue and that we had a case against the previous owners for not disclosing any of the problems with the house , which according to them , all started the day they gave us the keys . In the beginning , I was so angry , I really did want to ruin and destroy them . Someone just the other day suggested we sue again . I can 't stand an ambulance chaser . I 'm not trying to be greedy , we already came out way ahead . I didn 't even get into the fact that the second insurance guy that we were weary about ended up being even better than Travis and they even ended up paying for a significant part of the plumbing . It would be bad karma to even think about trying to get more than we have , when we already have been way overpaid . We were taken such good care of this summer . I sometimes stop and wonder if it was because the insurance company thought we might be ambulance chasers and they didn 't like the sound of 7 month pregnant women left living in shit house and insurance does nothing to help . Were they so good to us because I was pregnant or did we just have brilliant insurance ? Sam 's mom and Stepdad have started coming every Thursday for dinner . Two Thursdays ago , they brought a bottle of wine to have with their dinner and they each had a glass . When they were leaving to go home , Jane went to pull out the cork and pour the wine down the sink . Ever the good alcoholic , even when I 'm not drinking , I wanted to know what the heck she thought she was doing and why would she waste that ? I thought maybe she thought it was triggering to have it in our house so she was trying to help us . She said Burt would never drink white wine that had already been opened . I told her my parents were coming up that weekend and they had no qualms about drinking already opened wine and it would be nice for me to have something to offer them , so she left it . My mom and dad came up that weekend and we had Shrimp and Oyster Po Boy sandwiches from Bayou Grille and I was able to offer them wine with their sandwiches . I got a message from my friend Sherah last week that a client we had shared and sober companioned together had died of an overdose . I really liked her . It would have still been sad if I didn 't like her . Young , beautiful girl , she was so funny and fun to be around which was rare with our job , usually I really didn 't like my companion clients and I can count on my hand the ones I worked with that I did . Most of them had no desire for help and as a result treated us like glorified babysitters , which we were . I felt so bad for this girls family . Last week Jane and Burt came with another bottle of wine . I didn 't even realize they did , until later that night when I was putting my pumped milk in the fridge and saw it sitting there , a bottle of wine next to all my pumped bags of milk . I realized , staring at that green bottle , that just 3 months ago , in July , I wanted to drink . And I actually may have , had it been sitting right there in front of me . I wondered about Cameron and how long she stayed sober after we worked with her . Because I had a bottle of wine , sitting in my fridge , and no desire to drinkThis evening , Sam got home from work and I finished feeding Ollie and put her in the sling and turned on Elton John . We have had a rough few days of lots of crying and not so much sleeping . We had been trying to do this cry it out thing but it just wasn 't working for us and the sound of her crying literally shredded my soul . We decided we would try again in a few months when she was a little older . There are so many different books and different ideas and Sam and I are trying to merge all of our ideas and find what works best for us and Ollie . It was a long day today and I spent half of it , dealing with my other child and his itchy paws and bathing him and rubbing him down in coconut oil everywhere and then putting socks on in an effort to get him to not get the coconut oil all over our couch , and then giving him Benadryl because he wouldn 't move from his place on the floor when the socks were on , and doing all this with an almost 4 week old hanging in a sling . So like i was saying , Sam got home from work , I put Ollie in her sling , because I discovered that she likes being in the sling after eating and she will fall asleep in there if Elton John is on and I dance a little and sing to her . I went outside and the sun was setting and Stewie who was hopped up on Benadryl and nodding off , followed Ollie and I out and sat watching us as we danced . Sam was inside watching the debate of the century of two of the most horrendous monsters I have ever seen and I thought , what a strange world you have come into Ollie , where one of these two morons will become president . I texted Sam to pause the debate and come outside because it was so beautiful and the light was perfect on our house and it was a little cooler after about what felt like a 100 degree day and it felt so nice like fall was in the air . Sam came outside and the four of us sat on our porch looking out at the sunset , swaying to Elton John as the sun ducked down into the horizon and I thought , this is the fucking life . I 'm so grateful a woman in my secret socPosted by I fall asleep everywhere . Last week we went to the cardiologist to have my blood pressure evaluated further and Sam and I were the youngest people in a room surrounded by ancient artifacts of humans . I could hear a man probably in his eighties or nineties telling who may have been his caregiver a joke , and he was laughing away , full of so much life . Meanwhile , Sam and I , the youngest two people in this room were sleeping on the waiting room couch like two junkies on the nod , almost dead . I went to get my nails done on Tuesday because I wanted to feel a little human again and I fell asleep when they started the foot massage . I fall asleep on the toilet sitting up in the middle of the night between feedings . I have a terrible fear of falling asleep sitting up feeding her and will nudge Sam to watch me and make sure my eyes are open because I don 't want to drop her . Despite all of this , I actually am getting more sleep now than I was the last month of being pregnant I think . I texted Joelene a couple weeks before Ollie was born that I couldn 't wait for her to be here and finally get some sleep , she texted back with " hahahahahahahahahah . " She proceeded to tell me that yes , I would get some sleep , in a few years . I am getting more than I was getting before she was born , when I was up all night , unable to find a comfortable position , wide awake from laying down 22 hours out of the day ( doctor 's orders ) . My legs would crawl and itch and jump and I would try to shove them under pillows and the crack in the couch in order to stop the jumping because it kept me up and slowly drove me insane until I would pray to god to stop the crawling and think about what sweet relief it would be to saw my legs off . I 'm definitely sleeping more now . I get between 3 and 5 hours every night , depending on the night . And it turns out , I don 't really need more than that ! I used to love sleep , it was my way of checking out , the way normal people may have a glass of wine . I find myself being more productive than I have been my whoDespite all this sleep deprivation , we have a REALLY good baby . I mean , I have no prior experience to base this off of . I never really cared for babies until I had my own , so I wasn 't paying too much attention . Now all of a sudden I 'm the corniest , gushiest human on the planet . I know I don 't have the market cornered on baby loving , but I care about other people 's children out of nowhere , or out of somewhere , out of Olivewhere . Although we have this tiny sleep terrorist , she is not crying all night long , she is just awake . According to witnesses to my infancy , I cried around the clock for the first year of my life , only stopping when taken on a car ride and as soon as the engine turned off I would start wailing again . But Ollie is just awake , she can 't figure out the difference between day and night yet , and she is ALWAYS hungry . Sam looks at her and her tummy looks like it may bust at the seams and she keeps eating . I can 't make milk fast enough to feed this hungry girl so we find ourselves in the middle of the night supplementing with formula when the milk vampire has drained my supply and my boobs feel like they have been cut open from the inside out with razor blades . My friend Alissa had a baby two weeks before us , it 's her second so she is a bit more evolved than myself . She says anytime Marlo breaks the cycle or is up all night when he slept the whole night before , she just says to herself , " growth spurt . " So when Sam is freaking out , saying he thinks we may be overfeeding our child , I just say , " she 's going through a growth spurt , and we can 't put our baby on a diet , she 's not a goldfish who will eat until she explodes , she will stop , when she is full . " So what do I do during these sometimes 3 or 4 hour awake stretches at night ? One of three things . One , I online shop , because I was on bed rest that last month and we didn 't have our house until 12 days before she was born , I never got to nest . Women have a cavewoman pull and desire to build a nice home for their babies , I was deprived of this . So I shop for house stuff , for anything and everything we need , the list never stops . Two , I look up baby questions I have . This is a very interesting one because during my pregnancy , I forbade myself to go online and research symptoms , I spent the first three months doing that and every time I went online , I was convinced I was going to have a miscarriage . I had a pretty difficult pregnancy between a barrage of different health problems and a very dark depression that could have been situational ( read blog " A River ( of Shit ) Runs Through It , " but I think it was deeper than that . Now that she is here , I look up everything , because I know nothing about babies ; can she get a regular bath if the majority of her cord has fallen off but there is still a little piece or do I continue sponge baths ? Is it safe to take her out in public before her first round of shots at 2 months ? Is it normal that she holds a bottle on her own or is she a genius ? Is it normal that she already grabs her feet , or is she a genius ? Does every mother thing their baby is a genius ? Three , I research ways to improve milk supply . I start with why is my milk supply low ? I get tons of ads for supplements to improve milk supply . I see huge bruises on my legs that were not the result of hitting anything , they just appeared . I was anemic during pregnancy and the doctor said it could happen again postpartum , I google , does anemia cause low milk supply , yes , it does ! Eat more meat , you can 't take Iron supplements when breast feeding . Then there is the coconut oil . We started mixing in a teaspoon of coconut oil to Stewie 's food a few weeks ago because he was chewing his paws like crazy and I read that thIlya and Caitlin came by this weekend with a huge basket for Ollie and a pillow of a Boxer that is the spitting image of Stewie as a housewarming gift . They understand me . I love dog people . They probably don 't know this but I still remember what they got us for our wedding present , they bought us the one gift that was actually for Stewie on our registry , a big plush dog bed . A few nights later , Stewie doesn 't come into bed , perhaps he thinks he will sleep better on the couch . I go out to kiss him goodnight and he is on the couch curled up in front of his new pillow with his face nose to nose with the dog on the pillow . I have a stabbing in my gut that he believes we have bought him this new fake dog pillow friend to replace us in his lives and we want him to be best friends with this pillow now . I wonder if it is a coincidence and he just fell asleep in that position , so I look between him and the pillow to see if his eyes are closed , but they are open , and he is looking soulfully at the fake dog embroidered on the pillow , perhaps longing for him to wake up like the Velveteen Rabbit . I can 't help but wonder if Stewie thinks the pillow is his new friend , his only friend . I give him a big kiss and a cuddle and ask him to get up and come to bed but he doesn 't want to tonight , tonight he wants to sleep on his own in the living room , I give him his space . I wake up on Tuesday , the morning after Stewie slept alone . We have gotten a lot of sleep ! I hear Sam 's voice calling Stewie in the distance ( he 's really just right behind me but he sounds a million miles away ) . Stewie comes running in and jumps into bed with us . I lay between Sam and Stewie and Ollie . . . . . I know it 's the perfect kodak moment but like so many other perfect shots , there is nobody here to take a picture . So I close my eyes and try to suck up every sensory memory from this moment in a mental snapshot and remember it later today and Wednesday and Thursday when she goes back to barely sleeping at all . |
What a beautiful garden ! So many pretty flowers ! So many gorgeous colors ! How sweet the flowers smelled ! Just look at all the trees ! Different kinds of trees were in the garden . Many of the trees had delicious fruit . The plants were watered by a mist that came up from the ground . Also , a river went through the garden to give water . The Garden of Eden must have been a very good place to live . Anyone could have been happy there . God planted the Garden of Eden as He was making the earth . In this garden He put the man and woman He had made . They were named Adam and Eve . God gave Adam the privilege of naming all the animals . As the animals passed by , Adam decided what each one would be called . There were elephants , lions , giraffes , zebras , rabbits , squirrels , dogs , cats , and many , many more . God told Adam and Eve , " I have given you every plant and every tree that has fruit for your food . You may eat of the fruit of every tree , except one . " God told them there was a tree growing in the middle of the garden . This was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil . They must not eat the fruit of this tree , or even touch the fruit . If they did , they would die . Just imagine living in such a beautiful garden with all the fruit and other plants you wanted to eat . You would not have to be concerned about your food at all . Of course , they needed something to do , so God told Adam to take care of the garden , to keep it pretty . Adam and Eve were happy in the Garden of Eden , enjoying everything they needed . Then , there came a serpent to Eve . He was very sly . He though of himself as being quite smart . He said to Eve , " Is there any tree in the garden that God will not let you eat its fruit ? " Eve told him they were not allowed to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil . She said , " God told us we would die if we eat the fruit of that tree . " The serpent said , " You shall not die . If you eat that fruit you will be like God . You will know good and evil . " Now Eve looked at the fruit that God had told her not to eat . It looked so delicious to her ! It was pretty . It would make her wise . She wondered how it tasted . She put her hand out and touched a piece of the fruit , then plucked it from the tree , and took a bite . Delicious ! She ate the fruit God told her not to eat . She took a piece of the fruit to her husband . Perhaps she said to Adam , " This fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil is very delicious . Just taste it and you will like it . It will make you wise . " So , Adam ate the fruit , too . Now , they had disobeyed God . He had done so much for them , and they had not obeyed him . The fruit did cause them to know good from evil . They realized they were naked and they were ashamed not to have clothes on . They gathered some fig leaves and sewed them together to cover their bodies . In the cool of the day , they heard the sound of God walking in the garden . They hid themselves among the trees , trying to hide from God , but people cannot hide from God . He called to Adam , " Where are you ? " Adam answered , " I am hiding among the trees because I was naked . I am ashamed . " God asked , " How do you know you are naked ? Have you eaten the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil ? I told you not to eat that fruit . " God was very displeased with them . He told them they could not live in the beautiful garden any longer . Adam would have to work hard , working the soil to make a living . Among the plants he wanted to grow , weeds and thorns would grow . Adam and Even would suffer pain and finally die . God made clothes of animal skins for Adam and Eve so they would not be ashamed . Then , God sent them out of the beautiful Garden of Eden to cultivate the soil to grow their food . Now , they would have to work hard for their food . They would have a lot of problems . God was displeased with Adam and Eve , the man and woman He had made . But , He still loved them . He still cared for them and helped them . Adam and Eve had many children . Each of their children had many children . Each of their grandchildren had many children until in all the earth , there were many , many people . They had become very bad people . God saw that everything they did and every thought they had was evil all the time . The earth was filled with violence . People were hurting other people . People were killing other people . There was nothing that was good . God knew that if things could get worse , they would . He was sorry he had made people to live on the earth . He knew they must be destroyed , for people were miserable living on the earth the way they were acting . However , God found one good man . His name was Noah . So God told Noah that he would have to destroy all that lived on the earth . He would do this by sending rain ; so much of it that there would be a flood over the whole earth . He told Noah to build an ark or ship out of gopher wood . He gave Noah directions for the building of the ship . It had three stories . There was one door and one window . Noah was to take his wife , their three sons , and their wives into the ship with him . Noah believed God and began to build the ship as God had told him to do . We can , in our imagination , see people watching as he built the big ship . No doubt they asked , " What are you making , Noah ? " But Noah replied , " I am building a ship because God told me to build one . He is going to send rain - a lot of it . There will be a flood and this ship will float on top of the water . " But the people , no doubt , asked , " Rain ? What is rain ? What is a flood ? Who ever heard of such a thing . " As yet , God had not sent rain on the earth . He had watered the ground with a mist that arose from the earth . God told Noah he was to take two of every kind of animal into his ship to keep them alive . He was to take many more of some kinds of animals . Also , he was to take food on board for him and his family and for the animals . Noah did all that God told him in the way that God directed . Finally the ship was finished and God was ready for them to enter the ark . Seven days before the rain began the animals went in unto Noah in the ark . Evidently , they went in peaceably . They entered the ship . Two giraffes , two elephants , two tigers , two lions , two zebras , two horses ; all entered the ark . Can you name some more animals that entered the ark ? Then , the rain started to fall . Also , the Bible tells us that the windows of heaven were opened and water fell . God picked up the oceans and poured their waters on the earth . For forty days and forty nights rain came up the earth without stopping . This was about one month and ten days . If you get tired of rain , think of Noah and his family in the ark . More and more water was on the earth . The ship was lifted by the waters and floated on top of the water . It floated because Noah made the ark according to God 's directions . He did all that God commanded him . The hills were covered by water . Then the mountains were covered by water . The water stayed on the earth for one hundred and fifty days . That is about five months . The water began to drain off the earth into the oceans . It began to evaporate . ( If you put water in a glass , what becomes of the water ? ) Perhaps someone said excitedly , " Our ship is on land again ! " Another may have said , " I wonder where on earth we are ! " Then , Noah said , " It does not matter . God is taking care of us . " After seven days he sent the dove out again . In the evening the dove flew back with a leaf of an olive tree in its beak . Noah knew the waters were going off the earth . When he sent the dove out the third time , after waiting another week , the bird did not come back . In that way , Noah knew the bird had found land . Finally , Noah took the covering off the ark and was so very happy to see the dry ground . God told Noah to bring his family and all of the animals out of the ark to dry land . Don 't you know they were glad to be safely on the ground again after approximately twelve months in the ark ? I can see those animals running here and there , so happy to be free , can 't you ? Then God made a promise to Noah and to all people who have lived since then and to all animals . He said He would never again destroy the whole earth with a flood . He put a rainbow in the clouds as a sign of His promise . So , when you see a rainbow in a cloud , remember God 's promise to all of us to never send a flood on the whole earth again . Joseph had eleven brothers and several sisters . He was next to the youngest child . Several of his brothers were much older than he was . His father was getting old when Joseph was born , so he loved Joseph more than he loved his older sons . Jacob , his father , made him a coat of many colors . This made his brothers jealous of him . They did not like him very much and would not speak nicely to him . Joseph said to them , " Please let me tell you my dream . In my dream we were in a field putting hay in bundles or sheaves . My bundle or sheaf rose up and stood upright . Then your sheaves stood round about my sheaf and bowed down to my sheaf . " His brothers angrily said , " Do you think you are going to have authority over us ? Do you think you will be king ? " And his brothers hated Joseph even more . Sometime after that , Joseph had another dream . He told his father and brothers this dream . " In this dream , the sun , the moon , and eleven stars bowed down to me . " His father rebuked Now Jacob had great flocks of sheep . His ten older sons took the sheep quite a long distance away so they could find grass for the sheep . Their father was anxious to know how they were doing , so he sent Joseph to see if they were getting along well . Joseph 's brothers saw him coming , even when he was a long way off . They said to one another , " Here comes that dreamer . Let us kill him and then see what becomes of his dreams . We will tell our father some wild animal ate him . " Reuben , Joseph 's oldest brother , did not want to kill him . He knew that was wrong . So he said , " Oh , let us not kill him . We should not shed his blood . Let us put him in this pit . " ( A pit is a deep hole in the ground . ) Reuben intended to come back later when his brothers moved on . He would get Joseph out of the pit and take him back home to his father . But Reuben had to go some place else , probably to see about his sheep . As Joseph came to where his brothers were , they grabbed him , took off his coat of many colors , and threw him into the pit . Joseph did not know what to think . He did not know his brothers hated him that much . do we have to gain by killing our brother . Come on , let us sell him to these Ishmaelites . " His brothers consented to do just that . So they pulled Joseph out of the pit . He probably thought they had been trying to scare him and would now set him free . However , they took him over to the road to the Ishmaelites and began to ask them if they would buy Joseph . Joseph begged and pleaded with them not to sell him , but they sold him to these people for twenty pieces of silver . Joseph went with the Ishmaelites on toward Egypt . When Reuben came back to the pit to get his young brother out , he was not there . Reuben was so upset that he tore his clothes . He said to himself , " What shall I do ? Where shall I go ? " Too late he learned from his other brothers that they had sold Joseph and he was on his way to Egypt . The brothers killed a goat and dipped Joseph 's coat in its blood . When they reached home , they gave the coat to their father , Jacob , and said , " Is this your son 's coat ? " Jacob said , " Yes , it is Joseph 's coat . Some wild animal has eaten him . " He cried and cried . His sons and daughters tried to comfort him , but he refused to be comforted . These brothers almost committed murder . They sold their brother as a slave . Now , they had to tell a lie to cover up what they had done . What will they do next ? In the meantime , Joseph had been sold in Egypt to Potiphar . The king of Egypt was called Pharaoh . Potiphar was an officer of Pharaoh 's . Joseph now belonged to Potiphar . However , Joseph was not alone . God was with him and caused good things to come to him . Potiphar made him overseer of his house . All that he had he put into Joseph 's hands . Because of Joseph , God blessed the house of Potiphar . Everything went well for a long time . Then , Potiphar 's wife told a lie about Joseph . Potiphar believed her and put him in prison . do right ? " But he did not . God was with Joseph and showed him mercy . God caused the keeper of the prison to see how good Joseph was . He made Joseph in charge of all the other prisoners . The teacher will read to you about Joseph while he was in a strange land . How will he behave ? Listen to this story , and then you will be able to answer the questions about it . While Joseph was in prison , Pharaoh , the king , became angry with his butler and his baker . He put them in prison where Joseph was over them . After being in prison for some time , both the butler and the baker had dreams that disturbed them . Joseph learned why they looked so sad . He told them , " What dreams mean belong to God . I will pray to God to tell me their meaning . " Joseph told the baker that Pharaoh would soon take his life . But he told the butler his dream meant that in three days he would be taken out of prison and have his job back . Of course , the butler as very happy . Joseph asked the butler to think of him kindly and tell Pharaoh about him . Perhaps the king would let him out of prison . Did the butler remember to tell Pharaoh about Joseph when he was back in the kings house ? No , he did not . He thought only of himself , although Joseph had helped him . Two whole years passed by . Pharaoh had a dream . In his dream , he was standing by a river . Seven fat cows came out of the river and ate in the meadow . Then seven skinny cows came out of the river and ate the seven fat cows . This dream awakened Pharaoh . When Pharaoh awoke , he was troubled . What could be the meaning of his two dreams ? Those two dreams were almost alike . What was going to happen ? The king called all his wise men . He told them his dreams , but none of them could tell their meaning . Then , the butler remembered that Joseph had given him the right meaning of his dream . He told Pharaoh about Joseph , and the king sent to the prison for him . Joseph quickly shaved and changed his clothes and appeared before Pharaoh . The ruler told Joseph , " I have had two dreams that bother me very much . My wise men do not know their meaning . My butler told me that you can tell the meaning of dreams . " Joseph listened carefully as the king told both dreams . Then , he said , " Both of your dreams have the same meaning . God is showing you what he is about to do . " Joseph continued , " The seven fat cows and the seven good ears of corn represent seven good years when there will be good crops in you fields . There will be plenty eat in your country . The skinny cows and thin ears of corn represent seven bad years when the crops your farmers plant will not grow much . There will not be enough food for your people to eat . Joseph gave the king some advice . He said the king should appoint men to take up a certain part of the food grown during the seven years of plenty . The food would be saved so there would be enough food during the seven years of poor crops . In that way , the people of Egypt would have enough to eat . He told the king to look for a man who was wise and good to look after this matter . Pharaoh was very pleased with what Joseph had told him . So he needed a good , wise man to look after the gathering and storing of food during the good years and to give out the food to the people during the bad years . He looked at Joseph and said , " I cannot find anyone better for this job than you . God is with you and helping you . You shall be over my house and rule my people . Only I will be greater than you . " The king put his ring on Joseph 's hand . He gave him fine clothes to wear , and he put a gold chain around his neck . He rode in the first chariot through the streets of the city , while Joseph rode in the second chariot . He told the people of Egypt that Joseph was now the ruler over all the land . At this time Joseph was thirty years old . He married and became the father of two sons . He was busy going over all the land of Egypt during the seven years of plenty , seeing that a certain amount of food was saved . Then came the seven bad years which were being felt in all countries ; not just in Egypt . People from other countries came to Joseph for food . Still , he had plenty left for the people of Egypt . Joseph 's father , Jacob , and his brothers lived in the land of Canaan which may have been between 400 and 500 miles from Egypt . That was a long way in those long - ago days . The crops were poor in their land , too . They had not known to save during the years of plenty . Now they were hungry . Their families needed food to eat . Jacob said to his sons , " I have heard there is corn for sale in Egypt . You ten older men go there and buy food for us . But Benjamin , my youngest son , shall not go . " When the ten brothers reached Egypt , they were taken to Joseph , who was governor there . They bowed down before him , with their faces to the earth . They asked to buy food . They did not know Joseph , but he knew them . He did not want them to know he was their brother , so he spoke roughly to them . He talked in the Egyptian language . Another person told his brothers in their language what he said . Do you remember Joseph 's dreams ? He remembered them . He said to them , " You are spies ! You have come here to see how our fields are ! " They answered , " Oh , no , my lord . We have come to buy food . Our familes are hungry . We are good men . There were twelve of us . One of our brothers is lost to us . Our father would not let our youngest brother come . " But Joseph could not keep them there . He had them brought before him again . He told them , " Here is another plan , for I fear God . All of you can go home with some corn , except one of you will stay until you bring your youngest brother to me . Then I will know you are telling the truth . " Thinking Joseph could not understand them , the ten brothers began to talk among themselves . They said this had come upon them because they had mistreated their brother . Reuben said , " You remember I tried to get you to treat him right , but you would not . " This was too much for Joseph . He turned his back and cried . Then , he took Simeon , next to the oldest brother , and put him in prison while the others went on home . When they reached home and looked in their sacks of corn , each of them found the money they had paid for their corn . They were afraid , wondering whey the money should be there . The did not know Joseph had told his men to put their money in their sacks . Of course , their father , Jacob , was very sad that his son , Simeon , was in prison in Egypt . In due time all their corn was eaten and they were becoming hungry again . Jacob told his sons to return to Egypt for more corn . They reminded him they could not go unless Bejamin went with them . When Jacob realized all of them would starve unless they got food from Egypt , he consented to let Benjamin go . He told them to take a present to the governor of Egypt . They took honey , spices , myrrh , nuts , and almonds . Also , they took twice as much money so they could give the money back for their first corn . When the ten brothers reached Egypt , Joseph had a meal prepared at his house for them . Simeon was released from prison to eat with them . The eleven brothers were seated at the table according to their ages , beginning with oldest to the youngest . They were astonished . " Who would know our ages ? " they wondered . They gave Joseph his present . He asked , " Is your father in good health ? Is he still alive ? " They said that he was , as they bowed before Joseph . When Joseph saw Bejamin , he said , " God be gracious unto you , " and he hurried away to cry . He did not want his brothers to see him cry . He washed his face , returned to them , and ate with them . Of course , all of them said that was not true . No one had stolen Joseph 's cup . They were so sure that they said , " If you find the cup in any of our sacks , that person will die . All of us will become the govenor 's slaves . " The man began with Reuben 's sack . No silver cup there ! Then , he looked in Simeon 's sack . No silver cup there ! This was true of the next eight brother 's sacks . They were feeling everything was all right . But , when he looked in Benjamin 's sack , there was the silver cup ! They were so overcome with sorrow , they tore their clothes . Benjamin was not a thief . The cup had been put in the sack back in the city . Anyway , they had to return to the city and face Joseph . Joseph said , " Why have you done this ? " All of them fell before him . He told them Benjamin must be his prisoner . The others could go home . Judah begged Joseph , saying , " Please let me be the prisoner instead of Benjamin . If he does not go home , our father will die . We have sinned in regard to our other brother . God is punishing us for that , but I cannot see my father suffer so . " Joseph could not go through this any longer . He told all his servants to leave . He cried aloud before his brothers and said , " I am Joseph . Is my father still alive ? " The eleven brothers could not answer for their fear . Here was their brother they had sold as a slave . He is now ruler of Egypt . What would he do to them . Joseph said , " Come near to me . " When they came near , he continued , " I am Joseph whom you sold . Now do not be sad or angry with yourselves . God is really the one who sent me here to save your lives . There is going to be five more years when food is scarce , so hurry and return to Canaan for our father . Bring him and all your families to live here so you will not starve . " When the eleven brothers reached Canaan and told their father about Joseph being governor of Egypt , he just could not believe it . He saw the wagons and realized this must be true . He was over joyed to learn that his long lost son was still alive . God spoke to Jacob , telling him not to be afraid to go to Egypt . He said he would make a great nation of Jacob 's children . So , Jacob , his eleven sons , and their families , seventy in all , traveled in the wagons to Egypt to live . A newborn baby ! What a delight ! Moses was born in Egypt a long time after Joseph died . Was there something unusual about this baby ? Let 's read and find out . Joseph brought his father , brothers , and their families , seventy people in all , to Egypt and got them settled there . After several hundred years had passed , the number of them grew and multiplied until there were more than a million of them . A million is a lot of people , isn 't it ? As the years went by , the king , who was always called Pharaoh , did not remember Joseph . He saw that the children of Israel were more in number than the Egyptians . He even said they were stronger than his people . He became afraid of them . He was afraid they would make war against him . So , he began to be mean to the children of Israel . He made them work for him . He put Egyptian men over them to make their work very hard . The Israeelites built two treasure cities for the king . Pharaoh treated the Isralites very badly . Their work became harder and harder . Not only was their work terribly hard , but the Egyptians made the work more difficult . Life was miserable . Can you imagine working , working , working all the time ? But that did not stop them from growing in numbers . Amram and Jochebed had another baby son . He was a beautiful baby . Of course , the mother could not and would not throw her baby boy in the river . She took care of him and was able to hide him until he was three months old . She could no longer keep him hidden from the people Pharaoh sent to find any live baby boys . So she made a little boat . She made it so it would not sink in water . She lovingly placed her baby in the little boat . No doubt , she told him how much she loved him , and how much it hurt her to have to put him in the little boat . Then , she went to the Nile River . She put the boat on the water among the plants that were growing along the banks of the river . And , she asked God to take care of her baby . She left because she had to for fear of the king 's law , but the baby 's sister , Miriam , stood some distance away to see what would happen to her baby brother . The grown daughter of Pharaoh and her servants came walking along the river . She saw the little boat among the water plants . She sent a servant to bring it to her . When she opened the little boat , there was a baby boy ! He began to cry . She knew he belonged to an Israelite , but she was not like her father . She wanted the baby for her very own . She loved him . The princess said she wanted her to do that . Can you guess whom Miriam got to take care of her baby brother ? She ran to get her mother , but the princess probably did not know this was the baby 's mother . She told the mother to take the baby home with her and take care of him . She would pay her for caring for him . We do not know how long the parents got to keep the child , but they took good care of him and taught him about God . The Bible tells us that he grew and his mother took him to Pharoah 's daughter . He became her son and she named him Moses because she got him out of the water . Moses went to the schools of Egypt . He learned the wisdom of the Egyptians . He was mighty in words and deeds among the Egyptian people . One day he might have become the king of Egypt . He remembered what his mother had taught him about God . He quickly left Egypt , because Pharaoh tried to find him and kill him . Moses went to the land of Midian . There , he became a shepherd , looking after sheep . He married and had two sons . After forty more years , God called Moses to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt . They were so miserable and unhappy there . God was ready to take them back to the land of Canaan to live . It had been about four hundred years since Jacob and his family had left Canaan to live in Egypt . That is a long time , isn 't it ? Will Pharaoh let the Israelites leave his country ? Moses and his brother Aaron had a hard time convincing the king that the children of Israel should leave ! However , God sent ten different things on the people of Egypt that troubled them greatly . These were called plagues . Finally , Pharaoh said they could leave . He said , " Please , leave my country . " So , Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt . However , they had not been gone long when Pharaoh changed his mind and started after them . Will he catch up with them and make them go back to the very hard work ? When the Israelites come to the Red Sea , God did something wonderful . He told Moses to lift up his rod and to stretch his hand over the sea , and God caused the waters to go back by a strong east wind all night . The waters were like a wall on the right hand and a wall on the left hand . The land where the water had been became dry . Then , the Israelites , more than a million people , crossed the Red Sea on dry land . The Egyptians , riding on horses and in chariots , were right behind them . They were in the middle of the sea . God told Moses to stretch out his hand over the sea again . He did so and the water came back over the Egyptians . They could not go after the Israelites any more . Because they still grew in number , what did Pharaoh say should be done with all the newborn baby boys ? What was the name of the first son of Amram and Jochebed ? What was the name of their daughter ? When she could hide him no longer , what did she make ? After placing her dear baby in the little boat , where did she put the boat ? Who watched the boat from a distance ? Whom did Miriam get for the baby 's nurse ? What did Pharaoh 's daughter say she would give the mother to take care of the baby ? When the child had grown up enough , where did his mother take him ? What might Moses have become some day ? When Moses was forty years old , where did he go ? An Egyptian was beating an Israelite . Which one did Moses take up for ? When Moses was eighty years old , what did God want him to do ? How many things did God trouble the Egyptians with before Pharaoh said they could leave Egypt ? What sea did the Israelites have to cross on their way out of Egypt ? Would you like to live in a city with high walls around it ? Would they keep enemies out of your city ? Would the walls be of any use today ? This story happened a long , long time ago . Let 's read to see how the walls fell and why they fell . Moses was a wonderful man . He was the greatest leader the Israelites ever had . He worked very hard to get them back to the land of Canaan . He died when he was one hundred and twenty years old . That is really old , isn 't it ? Although he was so old , he could see as well as ever and he was still very young . God was with him all the way . Then God chose Joshua to lead his people on into Canaan . The people who were living in Canaan were very bad . They were evil people . So God helped the Israelites with their battles . Jericho was one of those bad , wicked cities . This city was at the entrance of Canaan . Something had to be done so the Israelites could go into Canaan . But the king of Jericho would not let them pass his city . In those days thick walls were built around the cities to keep their enemies out . So Joshua sent two spies to find out what could be done . A certain woman named Rahab lived in this city , and she helped the two men . The king learned that two spies were in his city . He wanted to find them . When he asked Rahab about the two men , she told him , " When it became dark , the men left . Where After the men of Jericho left the city in search of the two spies , Rahab , who lived in a house built on the wall , let the men down through a window . They held to a rope on the outside of the wall and reached the ground safely . They promised Rahab they would save her and her family when the Israelites marched against Jericho . Before they left , they said to her , " You must tie a red thread in the window when we come . Be sure to have all your family in your house . " Of course , these two men reported all this to Joshua , their leader . The king of Jericho knew the Israelites were coming against his city . He was afraid of them . He had heard how God was helping them . So he called all his people into the city . He tightly closed the door or gate to his city . He said , " Now we are safe . No one can get in this city . Our walls are very high and very thick . No one can get over our walls . " But God told Joshua what to do . They were to do exactly what God told thim to do , and then He said He would give them the victory and the city . Then , they could go on into Canaan . The also carried the ark of God . ( This was not a boat ) . In front of the priest were armed men . Behind the priests were the people . Do you have in your mind the order in which they marched ? First , the armed men , next the seven priests , and last came the people . The people were to be very quiet . Not a word was to be spoken until Joshua told them too . They came to Jericho and marched around the walls one time . As they marched , the priests blew their trumpets . The king and the people of Jericho must have wondered why the Israelites marched around their city one time and left . Would they come back ? The next day the Israelites again marched one time around the walled city just as they had the day before . On the third day , they marched one time . On the fourth day , they marched one time . On the fifth day , they marched one time . On day number six , they marched one time . Still nothing happened . No doubt , by this time , the king of Jericho and all his people were really worried . Were these Israelites going to march around their city forever ? On the seventh day , the Israelites got up very early . They went to the city and marched around it as in days past . They marched around a second time ; then a third time ; then a fourth time ; then a fifth time ; then a sixth time ; and then a seventh time . Then , the priests blew a long blasts on their trumpets . Joshua told the people to shout for God had given them the city . The people shouted very loud . The walls of Jericho came tumbling down . They fell down flat . The israelites ran into the city and took it . When they had done what God said to do , he caused the walls to fall . Fire from heaven ! How unusual ! Neither you nor I have ever seen fire come down from heaven , have we ? But it did come down from heaven one time a long , long time ago . Why did God send fire from heaven ? Let 's read our story to find out . The children of Israel entered Canaan and became a nation ; a country . Their nation was called Israel . God allowed them to have a king as they wished . As the years went by , Israel became very wicked and very bad . God had given them a law to live by . It was called the law of Moses . One commandment was , " You shall worship no gods except the Lord , your God . " But many of the people of Israel did not obey God . They bowed down and worshipped idols . Now , an idol is made of stone or wood or iron . It has no life . It can not see or hear or speak or love . One of the idols they called a god was Baal . The people living around the Israelites worshipped Baal . The Israelites worshipped Baal , too . They knew better because the true , living God had done so much for them . King Ahab of Israel married a very wicked woman named Jezebel . She was not an Israelite . She worshipped Baal and had many prophets who took care of Baal . She got King Ahab to worship the idol . Then , many people worshipped him , too . God 's prophet , Elijah , tried to get them to quit worshipping idols , but they would not listen to him . To teach them a lesson about who really controlled things , Elijah asked God not to send them rain for three and one - half years . That is a very long time to live without rain , for rain is needed to make plants grow . King Ahab was very angry at Elijah because of this . He tried to find him and kill him . One day Elijah appeared before the King . He told the king to gather all Israel and all the 450 prophets of Baal to Mount Carmel . When they had all come to Mount Carmel , Elijah said to them , " Why are you trying to serve God and Baal , too ? If the Lord is God , follow him . If Baal is the true god , follow him . " The people did not say a word . He told them to bring two big animals . In those days , people made sacrifices of animals on altars . The prophets of Baal were to choose one of the animals , cut it in pieces , and lay it on wood on their altar . They were to put no fire under the wood . Then , they were to call on Baal and their other gods to send fire to burn up the wood and the animal . The Baal prophets agreed to this contest . They took an animal , got it ready , and placed it on top of some wood on an altar . They began to pray to Baal . They prayed from morning until noon . They cried , " O , Baal , hear us . Send fire to burn up this wood and this animal . " There was no answer from Baal . The prophets leaped upon the altar . Still , no fire came . The 450 prophets of Baal were so overcome because their god had not sent fire that they cut themselves . They kept praying to Baal for several more hours . There was no fire , no voice , or anything from their god . so they could hear and see what he was doing . He fixed the altar of the Lord God for it was broken . With twelve stones he built an altar in the name of the Lord . He put wood on the altar and the cut - up animal on the wood . He dug a ditch around the altar . Then , he said , " Fill four barrels of water . Pour the water on the animal and the wood . " But , he told the men to do the same thing a second time and then a third time . That made twelve barrels of water poured over the wood and the animal . They were soaking wet . Last of all , Elijah filled the ditch with water . Then , fire of the Lord God fell ! It burned up the animals and the wood , even when they were wet . Is that all that was burned up ? No ! The stones were burned up . Even the dust was burned up . And that is not all ! The fire licked up the water in the ditch . The people saw the fire God sent that burned up all the animal , wood , stones , dust , and water . They fell on their faces and said , " The Lord , he is God ! The Lord , he is God ! " Would you like to be forced from your country and taken to another country ? Of course , you wouldn 't ! But that is what happened to Daniel . He was taken to a strange land . It was strange to him . Let 's read our story to see how he behaved there . Over and over God told the children of Israel that they must stop worshipping idols . He was very patient with them . They came back to God for awhile , then they would be so bad again . Finally God allowed them to be carried away by another king into his country . They loved their country , but they could not go back . One of these Israelites was Daniel . King Darius ( Da - ri - us ) liked Daniel very much . Daniel was a very good , honest young man . He always tried to do what was right . He was a good leader , too . King Darius set up a new government because he had a large kingdom . He set one hundred twenty princes over the whole kingdom . Over the princes , he put three presidents . He made Daniel the first president . He was head over all of them except the king . This was a great honor and he was able to do his job well . This made the other two presidents and all the princes jealous of Daniel . They wanted that power for themselves . Besides that , Daniel was from another country . They tried to find something The asked King Darius to meet with them . They told him , " All the presidents and princes of your kingdom want to honor you . We want to make a law to keep anyone from praying to any God or man for thirty days , except unto you , O King . If anyone prays to anyone except to you , he will be thrown in the den of lions . " Soon Daniel heard about the new law . He always prayed to the one , true God three times each day . His windows were open as he prayed , facing toward his real country . Did this new law keep him from praying to his God ? Not at all ! He opened his windows as usual and faced toward his country . He kneeled on his knees as he prayed and gave thanks to God . Not once , but three times daily . The men spied on Daniel and saw him kneeling in prayer . They hurried to tell the king . They said , " King Darius , we have found somebody who has broken our new law ! It is Daniel ! He prays to his God three times each day ! " When the king heard this , he was very disturbed . He was very much displeased . He tried to think of some way to keep Daniel out of the lion 's den . He kept thinking how he could save him . He did this until sunset . So Daniel was put in the lion 's den and a stone was laid upon the door of the den . Then the king went sadly to to his palace . He would not eat anything . He would not let music be played as it usually was . Neither could he sleep . He kept thinking of Daniel and how foolish he , the king , had been to let such a law be made . Very early the next morning , the king hurried to the den of lions . He cried with a sad voice to Daniel , " O Daniel , are you still alive ? Was your God whom you serve able to keep you safe ? " Oh , how thankful King Darius was ! He commanded that Daniel be brought up out of the lion 's den . He punished the other presidents and princes very severely for trying to kill Daniel . Then King Darius wrote to all the people of his kingdom to worship the God of Daniel . He told them He is the living God who is able to do many wonderful things . He was able to save Daniel from the lions . 1 . All kinds of trees and plants grew in this place . The first man and woman lived there . A river went through this place . What was the name of this place ? 2 . A big ship was built . It was made of gopher wood . It had three stories , one door , and one window . Who made this big ship . 3 . God put this in the clouds after the big flood . It was a sign of his promise that he would never destroy the whole world again by water . What was it ? 4 . His father made him a coat of many colors . He had dreams his brothers did not like . His brothers sold him for twenty pieces of silver . He finally became ruler of Egypt . Who was he ? 6 . He dreamed seven skinny cows ate seven fat cows . He called Joseph to tell him what his dreams meant . He made Joseph ruler in Egypt . Who was he ? 7 . Rahab helped the two spies escape fro Jericho . She put something in her window as the Israelites marched around her city . She and her family were saved . What did she put in her window ? 8 . She watched over baby Moses when he was in a little boat on the Nile River . She ran to get her mother to take care of him for pharaoh 's daughter . What was she ? 9 . Elijah was a prophet of God . He had a contest with the prophets of Baal . He had water poured on his wood , animal , and stones . What did God send when Elijah prayed ? 10 . The king liked him . He was a good , honest leader . He was first president over all the others . He was thrown in the den of lions , but next morning he was still alive . Who was he ? 11 . They were very happy as long as they obeyed God . But they ate the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil . They were driven out from the Garden of Eden . Who were they ? 12 . He was the only good man that God found in the whole world . He took his family into the big ship he made . They were in the ship on top of the flood waters one hundred and fifty days . Who was he ? 13 . Reuben was Joseph 's oldest brother . He did not want to kill Joseph . He suggested they put him in a deep pit . What did Reuben intend to do later ? 14 . He had twelve sons . He sent ten of them to Egypt for food . He was grieving for his lost son , Joseph . Later he went to Egypt to live . Who was he ? 15 . When he was little , he was taken care of by his mother . When he was older , he became the son of Pharaoh 's daughter . God called him to lead his people out of Egypt . Who was he ? 16 . They marched around the city of Jericho . They carried the ark of God . They carried trumpets made of ram 's horn . Who were they ? 17 . The king of Jericho called all his people into the city . He shut the door very tightly in the wall around the city . He thought they were all safe from the Israelites . What happened to that city ? 19 . He tried to save Daniel from the lion 's den . He could not sleep . He would not eat . Next morning , he hurried to the den to see if Daniel was still alive . Who was he ? 22 . Noah sent it out of the ship three times . The second time it brought back a leaf . The last time it did not come back . What was it ? 23 . Benjamin was Joseph 's youngest brother . The second time his brothers went to Egypt , he went , too . Something was found in his sack as he started home . What was it ? 24 . She had a beautiful baby boy . She loved him very much , but she put him in a little boat and left him on the river . However , she got to take care of him when he was little . Who was she ? 26 . It is made of stone or wood or iron . It has no life . It cannot see . It cannot hear . It cannot love or help , but some people worship it ? What is it ? 27 . He is living in heaven . He sees us . He hears us . He loves and cares for us . He has always taken care of his children . He has always done what is best for everybody . Who is he ? |
I didn 't prepare a lesson plan for today for a couple of reasons . We were going to learn about bees this week because the farm that we went to a couple of weeks ago is having a bee thing this weekend . The new curriculum actually starts on Wednesday so I was so busy reading and getting familiar with the new material . When I looked at the bee stuff I really didn 't like the lessons because they didn 't really have anything to do with bees . I also didn 't want to print of 26 bees to put the alphabet on them . To be used for one day . We have several alphabet flash cards already . I was still tried from the weekend . I tried to get the boys to play outside as much as possible today since the weather was cloudy but nice . It also gave me a chance to pull weeds , the trash comes tomorrow and my flower bed trash bag was almost full . Once thing that I love about the Frisco trash is that you get one container for trash and the same size container for recycling . Then if you have lawn clippings or any plant stuff that you are throwing out you can get these lawn bags that are basically huge doubled paper bags . That they pick up at the same time but don 't have to be in the containers . Last week we didn 't get our recycling bin out before the truck came . So this week our recycling is completely full . Josh 's dad has a program that he wrote and directed . So he asked us to come see it . So we got up and got ready for church . I packed a few toys that I thought would keep the boys entertained . We got there just after service started we were informed that because of the special performance that all the kids were in the sanctuary . We have attended several different churches and have never made it through a service without having to take out at least one of the boys . I don 't know if I was able to pick out better toys to entertain them because I know them better now . Then again there was a lot of singing and the boys do love singing . At one point Ethan was trying to sing along . At any rate the boys were both very well behaved and we made it without having to take either boy out . After the service Josh 's dad and Bobby wanted to have lunch . I requested that we go somewhere that had a playground because I didn 't want to press my luck with the boys . We ended up at McDonald 's . After the boys ate we let them play in the playground . Josh took Ethan and Josh 's dad took Preston up into the tunnels . It was hilarious watching them get out of the slides . Once we got home the boys and Josh all laid down . Josh fell right asleep , the boys however woke up then kept each other awake . So I moved Ethan into bed with Josh and then all were out in a matter of minutes . Josh woke up after 5 : 00 and we woke the boys up at 6 : 00 . They still went to bed at 8 : 00 . We were letting the boys run around outside . Ethan sat down and said this tummy hurt . Josh was completely freaked out . So we took him to the doctor just to be sure that he didn 't really get hurt from the fall the night be before . The doctor was great and Ethan is fine . So we headed back home and the boys had lunch . Then nap time . Ethan had a play date for 2 : 30 so Josh helped me load the boys into the van . They were both still out . We went to the Heard Natural Science Museum and Wildlife Sanctuary for the play date with Ethan 's girlfriend from swimming . They had such a great time looking at the butterflies , animals , and robotic pre - historic animals . Then they dug for fossils . Oh I almost for got about the impromptu concert they put on . The best part for me was hanging out with the other mom . To have someone to talk to that is dealing with the same issues that you are dealing with is such a comfort . I know that I 'm not the only mom trying to deal with potty training , but it is nice to hear that someone else is having the exact same problems is nice . She was talking about now that her daughter is going to preschool how hectic the mornings are now . I remember those days , then again it was only a few a weeks ago . All the advice I could get was to prepare everything the night before blah , blah . . I would try that but then something else would go wrong in the morning . There were sometimes we would even forget the bags . It was insane the more we would try to have a smooth morning the more the mornings would go terrible wrong . Then after dinner we were playing outside till Ethan had an accident . Then it was bath time , but it was still to early for the boys to go to sleep . So we let them run around in the play room . We wrapped up the family week . We still have some coloring and have to put together the grandparents day presents but we still have a little time . The day its self was tame . After the boys went down for their nap I stepped outside to check the mail . The Schwan guy was there talking to one of my neighbors . We really need to get our door bell fixed but then again I 'm glad that it didn 't work because it would have woken up the boys . He came back over after the talk to the neighbor . Then there was a package at the door . My new curriculum arrived ! ! It looks like it is going to be a lot better for us then what I 've been using . http : / / www . mothergoosetime . com / Everyday has it own package . I also got the toddler extension lesson plan too . The only thing that I don 't like is that this month 's theme is family . They also have field trip ideas . This month they recommend going to a shelter and to learn about pets . I love the idea just I hope that I don 't come home with an animal . This was the last week rough riders regular season . Tonight is the last night that they have fireworks . So it sounds like the perfect night to go . So Josh got home and we headed out to the game . There aren 't words to describe Ethan 's excitement as he walked through the ballpark . At first Ethan thought he was going to play baseball . We went to the playground but it closed for a birthday party but would open during the first inning . So we started to go back to our seat when they announced that some of the baseball players were out signing autographs . Then we got dinner hot dogs and nachos of course . Our seats were in the shade and there was a slight breeze it was really comfortable . After we finished eating the game was on its way . During the third inning I took Ethan back to the playground . It was crazy full of kids . There was a group of slightly older kids but they were actually being careful of the littler kids . There was one girl in the group that wouldn 't get on the playground because she didn 't want to hurt the kids . Ethan was wanting to go on the higher slides but he wanted help so I asked the girl if she would take Ethan in the playground . Her friends were really excited that she finally agreed to play with them . After awhile Ethan wanted to go back and watch the game . So we headed back to our seats . Then it was time for cotton candy . Preston had no interest in the cotton candy but Ethan loved it . Then Josh and Ethan headed back to the playground . While they were playing Ethan apparently fell about six feet onto the ground . There was another kid that broke his fall but it completely freaked Josh out . They came back and he watched the rest of the game . The Rough Riders won ! ! Then there was fireworks afterwords . The boys loved the whole evening . So the curriculum that I 've ordered ( that I 'm still waiting for ) had a sample lesson on line . One of the ideas it had was to pile a bunch of pillows and reenact the poem Jack and Jill . The boys can 't seem to get enough of Jack and Jill right now . So I 'm very hopeful that the new lesson plans will be more interesting for the boys . After the boys woke up from their nap I had Ethan try on clothes for him to wear for his first skating lesson . There is nothing like trying to hunt down winter clothes when the temperatures are over 90 degrees outside . I found a pair of gloves that I believe that Ethan 's great - grandmother gave him awhile ago . So I had Ethan try them on to see if they fit . The gloves fit and Ethan couldn 't be more excited ! He was saying look mom I have mittens then he started saying that he had blankets on his hands . We got to the lessons got Ethan changed in to some sweat bottoms and his gloves on . Then I got him signed in and got his skates . Ethan has never had any type of skates on his feet before . He was just besides himself with excitement about having skates on . Then he tried to stand up and go over to the video games . I have a video of him going to the video games that I 'll post in a little while . At this point I 'm watching the other kids and they are all walking and getting around like they are just in shoes . I was starting to feel like the worst parent in the world . Maybe Ethan just isn 't ready to learn to skate yet . Then we went over to his class and it turns out he is the only one in the beginning class . So I didn 't feel like the worst parent ever anymore since all the other kids has at least been in the classes for eight weeks if not longer . I was amazed how much he improved in just one class . Josh mentioned that he told Mark about Ethan having his first class today and invited him and Jen to come watch . It turns out that Mark didn 't mention it to Jen right away so by the time they got to the rink the class was over but we decided that we would have dinner together . Ethan was extremely hyper after his class so we hurried up and finished . We weren 't able to visit very much during dinner so , Mark and Jen came over . Ethan showed off his baseball skills . Then a rabbit showed up in the yard so the boys played chase the rabbit . Then we all came inside and put the boys to bed . Ethan didn 't want to sleep so he fussed for a while but he did finally go to sleep . Then Jen got to updated me about her wedding details . Josh and Mark were discussing the physics of a gecko . Then I 'm not sure how it happened but we started playing crazy videos on youTube . We had a lot of fun hanging out with them . Potty update : I don 't know what happened today Ethan had five accidents today . The first one he told me that he need to go but I was in the middle of changing Preston . Ethan managed to stay dry until I got him in front of the toilet . Then the next one he was sitting on the floor looking at a book and I noticed he was sitting in a puddle . Then a little later he was sitting on a chair and I noticed a puddle under the chair . Then he was good for a little while . Then at the end of skating class he had another accident . The main reason everyone came inside from playing in the backyard was Ethan had another accident . He had been doing so well I really don 't know why he had so many accidents today . Lesson Learned : I know that I 've said before that Frisco cops don 't mess around , but today they went to another level with me . I saw a school bus pulled over getting a ticket ! ! A SCHOOL BUS ! ! In a school zone ! I couldn 't believe my eyes . This morning was really cloudy and drizzly and we were still pretty tired from all the running that we did yesterday . So we were just taking it slowly . Josh went to leave for work then came back in and reminded me that we left his car at swimming yesterday . So we all went rushing out the door , I was still in my pajamas and so were the boys . Then I needed to stop for gas so there I was pumping in my pjs . I don 't think I 've ever left the house not dressed before . The afternoon was more of the same . Josh ended up working late then he made some stops on the way home . One of the stops included going by the ice skating ring at Stonebriar to sign Ethan up for lessons . Potty training update : The day went pretty well till 7 : 00 at night . Then he had an accident right next to the restroom . Then Preston came running by and slipped and fell into the puddle . So I had to strip Preston down and take his favorite blanket to be washed . I place Preston in the playpen and he started crying . Ethan lost the TV because of his accident so he started crying too . Thank goodness Josh showed up about this time and got the boys to calm down . This morning Josh helped me load up the boys in the van on his way to work . So after emailing back and forth with Margret ( a friend from school ) who is a stay at home super mom with four kids . She gave me a ton of advice some of it I was doing but the biggest thing she recommended was to take a bag of toys . She said to make sure they are large enough that if it drops you can easily see it . I also made sure their tummies were full and they were well rested before we went . They did really well for most of the time at the store . At one point they decided that they wanted to throw all of the toys out of the cart . I have a rule that if toy touches the ground three times the third time it is mine . Since so many toys were being tossed at the same time I just took all of them and put them away . Then the boys wanted to fight . The carts at the store has a car on the front that hold two kids and then the cart part can hold two as well . So the boys had both been in the car part so I move Preston to be close to me . So that meant that I had to hold all of my list and coupons so I gave up trying to play the grocery game and just got what I really needed . I figure baby steps . I was pretty excited that the trip went so great . For those who are curious about my budget this week I spent $ 48 . 77 . I saved 17 . 19 . I had asked my mom on Sunday to help me finish the treasure hunt that we had started on Saturday . I do have to say that I love that Frisco did this because it really is helping me figure out where things are and what activities there are for us to do . My mom came over a little after Preston fell asleep . Ethan wanted to show his baseball skills . So we let Ethan show off so that Preston could get a little bit of a nap . The it was time to head out . Our first stop was at the central fire station . Then we walked over to the Frisco Fire Safety Town for another stamp . The receptionist was kind enough to have a fire fighter show us around . Words can not describe how awesome the safety town is . They have several class rooms dedicated tThe boys fell asleep while I was in the arena . My mom and I had discussed going to Stonebriar Mall since we were right next to it but decided to head home instead . Preston go transferred from the van to his bed without a problem . Ethan was a completely different story , once he realized that my mom was taking him to his bed , Ethan woke himself up . Then he was being so loud that he woke Preston up . So much for nap time . I let the boys watch TV and have a snack while I was getting the swim bag together . I was a little nervous because today we were starting at the Frisco location of Emler . I have passed it a million times but really wasn 't sure where it was . Turns out it was a whole lot closer then what I thought it was . So we got there really early but at least now I know . Ethan seemed to really be testing his new teacher . His old one didn 't put up with any messing around so he had to see how nice his new teacher is . Preston wasn 't happy with his class . He was doing fine until I realized that he had Ethan 's goggles . Once he let go of the goggles the melt down started and lasted until he got them back while the boys were getting changed out of their swim suits . After dinner we let the boys run around outside while I was working on one of the flower beds . Then we but the boys to bed . Shockingly they didn 't put up much of a fight . It was like they were completely worn out . I can 't understand why ? It isn 't like we did anything today . I 'm aware that Grandparent 's day isn 't till September 12th . Originally I was going to do this theme next week so that the art projects could be mailed and received before the 12th . Last week when we were at Nash farm , I found out the farm is having a bee day on September 4th so next week we are going learn about bees . Josh and I are still discussing going out to LA to see his mom . I don 't know if we are going to get to go back to Nash farm for the buzz on bee they are going to have . I 'm just making a plan " A " and plan " B " until we actually have tickets . I 'm not 100 % in love with the curriculum that I 'm using . It is okay but it has five centers that you are suppose to use all week . Then three activities a day and that includes circle time . One problem that I have is the library has been closed so I can 't get the books that I need for the week . So that is leaving only two activities and the boys could care less about doing the same centers every day . The boys are still tired from yesterday . After Josh left we ran around outside for 30 minutes . Then we came in and did our circle time . Preston went down for his nap . First Ethan wanted to color then wanted to do something else . So I figured that we could do some science experiments . I put some water in the kitchen sink and we figured out what floated and what sinks . Ethan was having so much fun picking out different things to put in the sink . Then he wanted TV . So I put on Lilo and Stitch since the story is about family and it sort of goes with the theme . Ethan then wanted to carry around the items that we tested in the sink and to do it again . Preston only slept for about 30 minutes during the afternoon nap so I wasn 't able to get my cleaning done . Since I 've been home he has gotten a lot more affectionate . He loves getting and giving hugs and kisses . It felt like for an hour he was having me blow raspberries on his neck . At three we woke Ethan up . Preston wanted to play in the water but Ethan wasn 't interested in it . Then Preston soon was over it . We came in and worked on some of the Grandparent Day gifts . While I was cooking dinner the boys were busy playing in one of the cabinets that is still empty . It started off really cute until it turned in to just slamming the cabinet doors . After dinner Josh told me to take a break and have a hot bath . So I feel so refreshed right now . While I was in the bath Josh and Ethan picked up everything and did the dishes for me . Potty training update : No accidents today ! That includes nap time . Then again he did go to bed in a pull - up because I didn 't have any underwear at my parents house last night . Right now when Ethan lets us know that he needs to go is he says , " I 'm dry " . At least we know that really means rush me to the restroom NOW ! Lesson learned : Sundays wear me out . We started off having a pretty lazy day but that quickly changed . We got the house picked up before we left for the day at my parents home . So on Monday I wouldn 't have to catch up from the weekend . We made it to Rockwall for lunch . After lunch we tried to get Ethan to take a nap and he wasn 't any of it . Ethan did snuggle on the couch with my dad and they watched TV . Preston ran around till his nap time . While the boys were preoccupied I looked over the weekly ads . There were some really great deals going on so Josh and I headed out . So we were planning to only spend about 2 . 00 at Target and we went way over that because we saw they had the summer stuff marked down 30 % . So we ended up spending over $ 50 on chemicals . Then we moved on to OfficeMax . We got 12 spiral notebook , 3 packs of paper , and a ruler for . 65 . I was really excited about how much we got for less then a dollar . After we got back from shopping the boys were up an running around . We had dinner then headed out to the pool . The boys were having so much fun . Ethan loves jumping in and swimming to people . At one point we formed a circle and the boys were swimming from person to person . They were so warn out when we finally came in . They weren 't about to stop moving . I had to print off my weekly grocery lists from e - mealz and the grocery game . Plus make print outs for the lesson plans this week . The boys didn 't even make it out of my parents subdivision before they were asleep . They had a busy day and it was past their bed time . After we got home the front sprinklers were running which was a good thing because we have a leak in that zone and it helped us find where it is actually coming from . We unloaded everything that we bought and had taken over to my parents house . Then Josh worked on his side project and I started cutting and preparing lesson plans for the week . Potty training update : I haven 't been putting updates because Ethan has been doing really well . Today he had one accident and that was right before we left my parents house . He felt really bad about the accident and went around apologizing to everyone . This morning Josh let me sleep in a little bit . Then it was breakfast time . We then all went outside and played for a while . Came in and did today 's day of the week , shape , and color just so that Josh could see what we do in the morning . Then we headed to Willow Bend Mall to the Apple store to get my phone fixed . They couldn 't help me until after 6 : 00pm . So I asked where any other Apple stores in the Dallas area are and they said there is one in Frisco and they could get me in right away . I made my appointment for later in the day because we were on the way to meet Josh 's dad at his school . Then we headed to lunch . He informed us that he is going to have to go under a medical procedure but doctors are giving a really great outlook . With what just happened with Susan it just me take as second to realize how important family is . After lunch Josh ran into Costco while I stayed in the van with the sleeping boys . Plan " A " was for us to lay the boys down and let them sleep for a little longer . When we got out of the van the boys woke up and there was no going back to sleep . So we let the run around for about an hour and half . Then we headed out for the treasure hunt that the city of Frisco is doing . Basically it is for people to discover different parts of Frisco more information can be found at www . friscoisatreasure . com . We started off at the Frisco Athletic center , then headed to FieldhouseUSA , and then we found the Frisco Heritage Museum . There are a total of twelve places that you can get " X " for but while we are driving around we are finding many other little gems . For example , on the way to the Frisco Heritage Museum we found a snow cone place that was completely packed . We thought about stopping and checking it out but the line was just two long so we decided to check out Dimples is a cupcake place that I saw on the way to the library . We got the banana pudding , half and half , chocolate mousse , red velvet , and cookies and cream . There cupcakes are amazing . After cupcakes then it was off to Stonebriar Mall get myit is a toy store that has a train that Ethan could ride . Calling Indoor Safari Park a toy store under represents the store . They have toys and books that I haven 't seen anywhere else . It is where I found the electronics kit for ages 3 + . Then we checked out the play center . Preston and Ethan had an amazing time running around . I guess I found were we are going to start going during the day so the kids can run around while the weather is still so hot . Then we headed home . This morning Josh left for work and we just ran for about thirty minutes . Then it was circle time . I 'm glad that I 'm not going to have to get he boys to make animal noises at me anymore . Then I let the boys run around some more . After Preston went down for his morning nap I introduced Ethan to H . R . Pufinstuf . Once Preston woke up it was adventure time . There is a McDonald that is opening up and they are having several days of activities . Today they had a petting zoo and pony rides . I again recruited Korri to help me with the boys . Walking in it looked like it was complete chaos . Once we were inside it was very organized chaos . There were employees help you find tables and high chairs if needed . There were some that were help carrying food . They were able to keep the lines moving at an incredible pace . We order our food and they found a booth for us but asked if we would be willing to share if need be . We didn 't have a problem sharing the booth because it was huge . The boys sat and ate no whining or fussing . When we were about finished we were asked to share with four girls and their nanny . Two of the girls were freaking out like several of the kids that were there . Ethan and Preston just looked at the girls like they had two heads for being upset . Then of course we had to check out the playground . The play area looked really neat but it was kind of hard to tell because of how many people were in there . After awhile we headed out to check out the animals . The petting zoo part was really lame . The pony ride had Ethan all smiles . I told the boys that if they behaved they could get cookies after wards . So I made good on my promise when we got home . Preston 's face was completely covered in chocolate . I put Ethan down for a nap which he wasn 't happy about be was so tired that he didn 't put up that much of a fight . Then it was Preston 's turn to nap . Korri and I visited until it was time for the boys to woke up . After nap time the boys make cow puppets . Preston was more interested in eating the crayons . At one point Ethan started talking about the talking flute and wanted to see Punfinstuf . I was more than happy to play it for him . I read the city 's newspaper today they featured a trail that runs near our home so after dinner we checked it out . It is a really nice trail that led to a park . We let the boys run around for a little bit . Then headed back home . Ethan didn 't want to get back in the stroller but wanted to run back kicking his ball . We made him get back in the stroller when we crossed any roads . Ethan walked / run probably 3 / 4 of a mile . Then once we got closer to home we let Preston out to run around a little bit too . So once we got home the boys went out pretty quick . Ethan did freak out a little bit about being scared . I realized that he as been freaking out because his monster scaring flash light has been missing . Actually Josh and I used the flashlight the night that we jumped the car and left it in the garage . So I gave him the flashlight back and he was very thankful . He told me thank you and I 'm not scared anymore . I really hope that our night time freak outs and needing every light in the house on is over and that I can get my bedside reading lamp back . So this morning our 6 : 00 Preston alarm started going off . I 've been trying to find the snooze button , but after fifteen months of looking for it I 've pretty much given up finding it . Josh left for work and we went out to play . We played with bubbles for about thirty minutes . Then we came in for circle time . I 'm getting a lot more comfortable doing the songs and the lessons . So the boys are responding a lot better . Then I remember that this week the library is closed . * sigh * In the paper this week under the things to do section there was a farm having a afternoon at the farm from noon to 2 : 00 . The best part it was FREE ! It also worked with our learning theme this week . Korri was up for it so we headed out . On the way we stopped for some lunch . Money saving tip : A lot of fast food places have $ 1 . 00 chicken sandwiches . So I order the chicken sandwich plan instead of a kids meal and just tear it in pieces like I do with the nuggets anyways . After about a hundred U - turns we finally found the place and a parking spot . We had a ton of fun even though it was incredible hot . The first thing we did was a tractor ride . Poor Preston was so scared . He was shaking like a leaf before we got on . He was fine once we go on and were going . The driver stopped about half way through the ride to tell us about the different things planted in the garden and some other upcoming events . It was Ethan turn to freak out a little bit and wanted off but once it started moving again , he was fine . Once the ride was over Ethan couldn 't get enough of the tracker that were at the farm . We were able to get him to check out the chickens and the lamb . When he was in with the chickens he was making clucking noises at them . It was really adorable . Then he checked out the lamb . He wasn 't that interested in the lamb but wanted to go back to the tractors . Preston on the other hand loved the lamb and just riding around in the stroller . It is experiences like today that I know it was the best decision for me to stay home . I can 't thank Korri enough for going with me and the boys today . I really thought that the boys would fall asleep on the way home . I was wrong , they were just to hyper . Once we got home they were just all over the place . The time from 3 : 00 to 5 : 30 just seemed to drag on . They just kept trying to injure themselves . First , I was with Ethan in the restroom but I could still see Preston . Preston tripped and fell hitting his check on the hard part of the ottoman . While I was taking care of Preston , Ethan climbed up on the rocking chair and about feel off injuring his thumb . While I was trying to take care of Ethan , Preston fell over again . They were just running around everywhere and trying to get into everything . I guess they were afraid to stop moving because they would just fall asleep . The last couple of nights Ethan has really been freaking out about the dark . He is wanting every light in the house on before he will go to bed . Once he sees the are on then he will lay down but I don 't know where this is coming from . He has always not liked the dark but now it is at another level . Ever since the neighbor let us know about the car being in the middle of the road . So I don 't know if the pounding on the door freaked him out and that is why or if there is something more to it . Potty training : At some points today he did really well , at other times well lets just say I had several puddles to clean today . Mom what are you about to have me do ? I 'm no so sure about this ! Round a round the couch we go till pop goes the Preston . Preston 's nickname is destruct - O - baby . Ethan went through this phase too . So at this point I don 't know if it is just an every kid thing , a boy thing , or just a my kid thing . Anyways it seems like at this age they have super human strength and can destroy anything in just a matter of seconds . Today to keep Preston from killing himself I put him in the play yard for a few minutes . Apparently he took his frustration out on this poor defenseless ball . Posted by Lesson learned : I miss driving Josh to work . So last night about 10 : 30 we finally go the car that Josh uses to get back and forth to work jumped . So I drove it around for about thirty minutes . I came home to ask Josh a question but was planing on driving a little longer just to make sure the battery was charged . Josh said that he thought the battery was good enough and that I should go ahead and come in . Then at some point Preston work up and it took me a while to figure out that he was just thirsty . I eventually go him a drink and he went down . Right when I was just about to drift off someone started knocking on the door . I believe the time was one something at this point . So I woke Josh up and made him go down and answer it because whoever was knocking wasn 't giving up . Turns out I forgot to set the parking brake and our drive way is on a little hill and the car is a standard . So it was sitting in the middle of the street . Luckily the neighbor let us know before some one hit it . This morning I was a little tired . One of the activities that we do in the morning circle is Today 's weather . So I noticed it looked cloudy , so I open the back door just to make sure that is what the weather really was . Both boys ran out . They were only in their underwear but having a great time so I just rolled with it . It was cloudy and comfortable out . They ran around for about an hour . Ethan just wanted to watch TV as a reward for doing so well on the potty this morning . Didn 't care about doing the morning circle . So I let it go today . Preston went down for his normal nap . Yaay they are back on their scheduled nap times . Ethan and I picked up the living room . Then played with play - doh after about 30 minutes he was over the play - doh ! I was shocked . He wanted to play Elefun . It is a game his Aunt Monkey got him addicted to . It is an elephant the blows butterflies that you catch in nets . Ethan was so excited when Preston woke up because he wanted Preston to play too . Nothing to exciting happened before we left for swimming . The boys just had a HUGE snack time before swimming . Lesson learned : When Ethan starts babbling about being okay or having a complete meltdown over nothing that means it is time to rush to the restroom . So I was suppose to go the grocery store yesterday but the time I got organized to go it was already 11 : 00pm . I decided that I would go in the morning . So after I dropped Josh off , the boys and I headed to the store . I won 't say that it was an epic failure but it wasn 't good . First I left one of my list at home . Then Ethan needed to go potty . I did get him to the restroom and his pants off before he started . Preston kept trying to get in to the puddle or in my purse . I gave up on shopping after all of that . So I got all of the fruit and vegetables that we needed that was it . So I 'm going to have to go back . Once we got home I was still stressed but I was trying to have circle time . Eventually I gave up and let them go play in the play room . After about 30 minutes I tried again and this time it was a lot better . Then we all sat and colored . Okay Preston kept trying to eat the crayons but he did make a few marks on his paper . Then it was nap time for Preston and Ethan 's play - doh time . Preston work up after 45 minutes . Then we all come back down and since Ethan had been doing so well with the potty training he was allowed to watch TV . However , in the first ten minutes of the show Ethan had an accident . So the TV was off again . Lunch time , I swear my kids don 't have normal taste buds because they love salads . Since I didn 't have a chance to get lunch stuff this morning I made them a salad and they were just in heaven . Ethan 's nap time and Preston wanted to take a nap too . So I was more then happy to let him lay down . The boys wanted to make this play time so I let it go on for about 30 minutes then I made them separate . Ethan had a complete meltdown . When I checked on him he had another accident . * sigh * In total it took them an hour to actually fall asleep . Ethan had another accident while he was sleeping . After the we picked up Josh then it was round two at the grocery store . The plan " A " was that Josh was going to take one boy and I was going to take the other . Once we got there the boys wanted to stay together . So Josh took the boys and apparently they were rough housing the entire time . Over all we got $ 127 . 40 worth of groceries for $ 81 . 79 thanks to the Grocery Game and E - mealz . I 'm hoping that after I actually have my stock pile that the food bill will dramatically drop . So Josh 's side project is due today , so he was letting everyone sleep in this morning . I didn 't wake up till my mom called to chat at 8 : 30 ! ! Yikes ! So this morning was like what a normal morning was while I was working full time . Just everyone running around like chickens with our heads cut off . Once the boys and I got home I started in with circle time . There were some elements that were great like what day of the week it is today , and the boys picking out the shape of the day , and the color of the day . I was able to go over the different animals that I had and their sounds . Ethan wasn 't interested in the games and songs that I was trying to do . Then we had a farm animal hunt that lasted about three seconds . Ethan just wanted to get his reward for going to the potty which is watching TV . Normally he gets his TV time in the morning but that didn 't happen today because we were running so late . I was thinking that I wanted to finish the week off by going to a farm . While I was clipping coupons I found a petting zoo that is free ! Nap time was a joke . Preston was asleep for about an hour and I don 't think that Ethan ever slept . I tried for over an hour and half to get them to sleep but they just weren 't having any of it . I really need to get the boys back on their schedules . I don 't think they have had their proper naps since last Wednesday . So the afternoon they just wanted to play in their room . They decided that 5 : 15 they wanted to come down stairs and watch the Wiggles . I was trying to finish my coupon clipping and prepare for my trip to the grocery store . Josh was nice enough to go last week but this week the list is a lot more complicated . I 'm not sure I 'll properly maximize the savings . Today was a lazy day . I guess everyone is just tired from all the running we did yesterday . So in the morning the boys just played in the playroom and then we headed over to my parents to go swimming . We got there and Ms . Pattie was there . Ethan was so excited ! We were playing catch and keep away . Lots of smiles and giggles from the boys . I was going through the ads and coupons that my grandmother brought me and saw that Staples had spiral note books for a PENNY ! ! ! ( limit six ) and they had reams of paper for a PENNY ( limit two with rebate ) . While we were gone my dad started playing kid videos off of youTube . Then we ended up playing all the Wiggle songs that were preformed at the concert . Both boys were dancing around like they did at the concert . My mom started to get the pool ready for us to go out but Preston fell asleep and Ethan just wanted to watch the Wiggles videos . Potty training update : Ethan had two accidents today . He is letting us know when he needs to go and still needs help but we are defiantly moving in the right direction . He is staying dry during the night . Lesson learned : That kids can embarrass me more then my parents ever thought about doing . Come on mom and dad there were times you did stuff on purpose to make my head explode . This morning we actually got to sleep in till almost 7 : 00 today . Unfortunately there was a sale that started at seven this morning that we wanted to be there when they opened . It is okay we were there by nine and we went shoe shopping ! Josh got two pairs , I got a pair of running shoes , and Ethan got some that blink when he walks . So he loves stomping around ! Then we went to the book store . I didn 't find a curriculum there but Ethan found a really cool leap frog toy . Then we found Kirlands and they didn 't have what I was looking for . I apparently got an early edition of the paper that had a bag for Office Max that anything you were able to put in it they would take 20 % . So we decided to do some shopping there , did I mention that we got an early edition ? So the we can 't use it till tomorrow at least the store is holding the bag for us . We came home for lunch and the boys could take a nap . Preston woke up early and so I took him with me to a teachers store . I thought their curriculum was way over priced , every subject you had to buy individual . They have some really neat education toys that I haven 't seen anywhere else not to mention they also offer Kindermusik there . Right next to the teacher 's store there is an kids art studio so I picked up their fall schedule . Then we headed to Mardel they actually have a huge selection of teaching stuff . So I found a monthly curriculum and a yearly one that I picked up . They also had science stuff for preschoolers that I have not seen anywhere . While I was shopping Preston tried to take everything off the shelves . Then would scream when I told him no . There are no words to describe how embarrassed I was . I didn 't want to just leave because I was almost done , but I did cut the shopping trip short . After the cashier told me the total it was a good thing that I didn 't get to finish . Then we came back home because it was time for Ethan to wake up . The boys had a snack and ran around for a little bit then my mom came over . We continued on our shopping adventure . We went to Hobby Lobby they didn 't have anything that we needed . We loaded up in the van and were trying to figure out where to go next , Ethan informs me that he has to go potty ! ! Yikes . So I ran him back into the store and there was a potty success . Turns out that he didn 't really need to go potty but on of the rewards he get to do is play games on my phone . He saw the phone because I was looking up directions for different stores . At least he let me know that he need to go and he actually went so I 'll mark that as a success . Once Ethan and I got loaded back into the van , I decided that it was time to eat . So we got a quick bite and kept on trucking . I need to find a fake tree and a decorative table so that some part of my house will be decorated and not with kid stuff even if it is just the landing area upstairs . Then we headed to Michael 's , success I have a tree ! ! It was only 17 . 99 ! ! I was totally expecting to have to spend so much more than that . Right when we got in line to check out Ethan said something about poopies . I didn 't quite understand what he said so I asked if he had some or need to make some . He told no he didn 't need to go to the bathroom . So I just let it go because it was my turn to check out . Then we had an accident . My mom took him to the restroom while I finished up . Then we headed to the car to change clothes and unload the tree . On to World Market . They had several tables but Preston started freaking out so we decided to leave . Then I realized it was almost Preston 's bedtime . He was out before we got home . My mom left and Ethan played with Play - Doh till his bedtime . Did I mention that I hurt my ankle yesterday ? I can 't imagine why it is bothering me right now ? I think tomorrow I might take it a little easier . Josh 's mom called and Susan is no longer with us . She was an amazing person and I better off for have known her . She was always so joyful and full of life . She will be greatly missed in this family . Susan Garret August 11 , 1961 - August 14 , 2010 . The boys just wanted to stay inside this morning . Which was fine with me because there were ants coming in from underneath the window sill this morning . So I did a massive amount of bug spraying . I think I found where they were coming in from and where there they were living . Josh laughed at me while I was spraying outside because a family of geckos came out and it made me jump . I also figured out that the reason the initial spraying didn 't work was because there was a bunch of plastic bags underneath the bushes in the back yard . So I pull I think all of the bags out and sprayed again . After Preston woke up from this morning nap we picked Josh up from work for lunch . Mark was kind enough to join our insanity for lunch . We ate at an amazing Greek restaurant . I can 't remember the name right now but I think I 've found a new favorite place to eat . When we got home it was 1 : 30 an hour past Ethan 's nap time and 30 minutes till Preston 's nap . So I decided to put them down at the same time to get some stuff done around the house . Unfortunate it back fired and they kept each other a wake till 3 : 00 . Then I was able to get some things around the house done . I let them sleep till about 5 : 00 . The boys and I were picking up their room for a few minutes before it was time to leave . My ankle has been bugging me a little bit but when I was walking the boys down stairs to pick up Josh I heard a pop in my ankle and it is hurting now . I ended up not picking Josh up till 6 : 00 and we just ate leftovers for dinner . I left to get my bridesmaid dress for Mark and Jen 's wedding ( Yes the same Mark that we had lunch with ) . I 'm supper excited because the dress I order is a size 6 and it was a little loose on me . If I keep dropping the weight like I am then I might actually get back to my Disney size . Which just a month ago I didn 't even think was even possible ! I can say that staying at home I 'm defiantly getting my exercise . I was wanting to go to a few other stores last night since Josh had the kids but two of the stores had closed , one was in the mall and I circled the parking lot for 45 minutes and couldn 't find a parking spot ! ! ! So I gave up on that store . Then the fourth place I couldn 't even find . * sigh * When I got home Josh and Ethan were watching Finding Nemo . So Ethan ended up not going to bed till about 9 : 00 last night . Potty training update : Ethan is doing great . The only accident we had was he told me that he needed to go , he got to the bathroom but before he could get his pants down he started going . We did hear from Josh 's mom about Susan . They cut off all of her medications except her pain stuff . So now it seems to be just a matter of time . Sorry that I didn 't post yesterday . At about 3 : 00 pm yesterday we got an upsetting phone call . A close family friend has been given 6 to 12 hours by the doctors . As of last night she was stable but not improving . We haven 't heard anything today . We are trying to figure out when we should go to LA . Update : She has a fungal infection in her blood which has put her in refractive septic shock . Because of her low white blood cell count , she has having extreme difficulty in fighting this infection and the outcome of her current status is doubtful at best . She is conscious but has difficulty talking due to dehydration . Yesterday was pretty much like the two days before except we had swimming last night . We gave the girl whose birthday we missed on Saturday her birthday gift . We also gave a mom whose son is going to start at the daycare we just left so I gave her all of our uniforms and a bunch of diapers . She was super excited because that just saved her a ton of money and I was super excited because I got rid of a bunch of stuff that was just taking up space . This morning Korri came over and helped me take the boys to story time at the library . We were about 15 minutes later then I was last week but there was still plenty of parking . We got to the door and there wasn 't anyone there yet . Then I noticed a note on the door saying that there is no story time this week and there isn 't going to be story time till September 14th . What ? ? ! ! A month with no story time and they are going to be closed for a week starting on Tuesday . Sigh . Apparently , I wasn 't the only mom that didn 't get the memo . While we were waiting a couple other families came . Ethan can be the sweetest and most polite child when he wants to be . When the next mom came up Ethan was just saying please and thank you and being very helpful . I was starting to wonder if his body had been snatched or something . Then the library opened and he returned to his normal self . At least Korri came was with me . So when the boys decided to run off in different directions there was someone to follow each of them . I do have to say the library has an amazing kids section . I did manage to get a library card today . Words can not describe how very grateful I am for Korri 's help today . I think I would have pulled my hair out if she wasn 't there . Came home for lunch . Then the boys went down for naps at the same time . I 'm still very torn about changing Preston 's nap time to coincide with Ethan 's . Right now it gives me a little alone time with each boy , but if they had the same nap time then we could go an do more during the day . I would also have more time to get things done around the house . Right now , we really need to be home from 10 : 00 till 3 : 30 for all the different naps . Right now just once a week for the boys to have the same nap time I think will be okay . After the boys got up my parents came over for a little bit till it was time for me to pick up Josh . I have to say I love my oven ! I can get food ready stick it in and tell the oven when to turn on , what temperature to cook at , and how long to cook . When it is done cooking the oven turns off . So that seems to really help with having dinner done at a decent time . Ethan was all about daddy time , but for some reason Ethan forgot how to use the potty during that time and had three accidents ! ! He had been doing so great the last two days . The last time he went in the ball pit so Josh cleaned all the balls with bleach and water solution . So I was back to Ethan duty and he did fine again . So I don 't know if he was just testing Josh to see if he would have the same consequences with Josh or if he was seeing if Josh would put him in Pull - ups again . Ethan still lost his TV time and play time on my phone and he didn 't get pull - ups either . A note on my two previous entries , basically all I was saying is this week it is really setting in that I 'm a stay at home mom . That I really need to get on the ball and figure out a weekly schedule before the week starts and stick to it . I 'm not talking about scheduling every minute of the day because I believe that unstructured play time is just as important as structured learning time . Right now the only time I feel comfortable with the boys being outside is before 10 : 00 if they are playing the water and 9 : 00 if they are just running around . We have had over 13 days of over 100 degrees . So in the next few weeks the highs should be lower and we can have outside time in the afternoon . Then we can spend the mornings doing lessons . Then again I still need to get them scheduled in different activities and yes I 'll probably over schedule the boys . Then again both my boys have a ton of energy that they need to burn off . Another lesson learned yesterday : When playing with play - doh if you roll the dough into a ball it is much easier to get out the next time you use that color . I was just have Ethan smash it into the container when he was done and I was having a hard time getting it back out . Lesson learned : Frisco PD does not mess around ! ! I was driving home from dropping Josh off and was behind a cop when all the sudden his lights come on and he drives over the median and pulls someone over that was going the other direction . The part that killed me was their was a left turn lane coming up and I 've never seen an officer drive over vegetation to pull someone over . Today is apparently me feeling like I 'm stuck in a couple of bad 80 movies . I started off feeling like I 'm in Ground Hogs day . The boys and I did basically the same thing as we did yesterday . Ethan had four accidents today . The first two were while he was playing outside . Another one was during nap time . Then the last one was my fault . When I left to pick Josh up I thought it was just going to be a quick 15 minute trip . I let the boys take their sippy cups with them . Once I got on the road I saw that I had a voice mail from the daycare they used to attend . The pictures I ordered were in . A long story short the 15 trip took over an hour . Ethan did use the restroom at the daycare when we got the pictures . He just couldn 't hold it for me getting everyone drinks for dinner . I didn 't take him to the restroom as soon as we came in the door . I 've read several things about potty training . One thing that I 've seen several times that has bugged me each time is that the reason kids aren 't potty trained as soon as they used to be is because the parents were the ones really trained . I 'm not saying that isn 't true but it is just a lot more convenient to use pull - ups then the cloth diapers of yesterday . I think my mom was just more motivated to get us potty trained then I 've been with Ethan . Ethan doesn 't like his pants to be wet . So when I would let him have the accidents in his pants was when he started to use the toilet better . When he was at daycare I would work with him on the weekend but on Monday they would put him back in a pull up . So by Friday I was starting all over with him . Another thing about just having him in normal underwear it is making me pay more attention to his non - verbal cues . This week it seems to finally be hitting me that I 'm a stay at home mom . The first week that I was home I just felt like I was off work because the kids were still in daycare all day . Then last week I still felt like I was on vacation and the kids were just with me . This week my entire being is starting to realize that this is my life now . The other 80 's movie reference is I feel like Mr . Mom when he first started staying home with the kids . I know that I will eventually get more comfortable taking the kids out and doing things on my own but I 'm still very uncomfortable doing it . Another thing that I realized today , this is the longest that I 've ever been with both of my kids . When I was on maternity leave I would spend a ton of time with my mom who has always been a ton of help . When I had Preston , Ethan still went to daycare everyday . I 'm sure in a few weeks I 'll be running all over town without a second thought about doing on my own . On a lighter note , I saw an add for soccer classes today . According to the add they start kids at 18 months just check the website for more details . I haven 't checked the website yet but I 'm excited . I also need to get the boys signed up for gymnastics and Ethan in the circus class . With swimming and story time it looks like we are going to have pretty full schedules this fall . We still haven 't gotten the second car working yet . So I 'm still having to drive him to and from work . After the boys and I got back from dropping Josh off , we played outside . Then we came in and picked up the books the boys pulled down while we were waiting for Josh to get ready . Preston had his nap and I told Ethan that he could play with play - doh in the spare bedroom while Preston was down for a nap . Then I couldn 't find the play - doh . At least there were boxes that were full of toys that kept him occupied till I remember where the play - doh was . I let the boys sleep a little long for their afternoon naps . So after they woke up we played in the spare bedroom till it was time to pick Josh up . Ethan wanted Preston to take another nap so that he could play with the play - doh some more . After Josh got home , he and the boys put together the second alphabet floor that we got for the main play room . Josh didn 't sleep last night so he was pretty wiped . So he put Preston done and he went to bed too . It was nice to have a quite evening . Ethan only had two accidents today . He isn 't fighting us anymore about using the potty . He loves to point out that he is a big boy . I just can 't wait till he is doing it completely on his own . Over the weekend , I came to the realization that I 'm now a minivan driving housewife . * sigh * At least I 'm not desperate , yet . What is up with the mom groups here ? Really how hard is it to return a call ? May be once I get the boys involved in classes I 'll meet more moms . I need to do more to get a key for the community pool . I still need to find a curriculum . I figured just a couple of weeks off isn 't going to hurt the boys . Preston 's vocabulary has really blossomed in the bast couple of weeks . That is really exciting for me . Ethan was actually using the letters from the floor to build words . I just feel like I need to get more structure to our days . I did manage to keep the TV off all day . However , I only got two boxes unpacked . The hour and half the boys are a sleep at the same time just isn 't long enough to get everything done . There was a mountain of clothes and dishes from over the weekend . I 've gotten caught up on those so maybe I 'll get more unpacking done tomorrow . Can I just take a second to mention how frustrating it is that Ethan 's birthday is in September ? I found a soccer league that actually does three - year - old , however they have to be three by September 1st . Then only thing that doesn 't have my head completely exploding is that Ethan is so little that he would defiantly be the smallest guy on the team . So waiting a year won 't be so terrible for him . Just anything for kids under three are mommy and me classes which a lot of them don 't let you do two kids at the same time . Another thing is that Ethan has been taking classes for a year without me . I 'm sure if I keep looking I 'll find something . |
I got up the next morning and went to school . I think maybe I 'd slept two hours . I stood in the shower crying . My head pounded as I dried my hair and got dressed . I could barely think about anything while I was there . I only had two classes and then my journal class but I don 't check in with Mrs . Walker till next week . So I could have left early and almost got in my car to drive to the hospital a million times . But it had been raining all day and I wasn 't used to driving on the freeways in the rain . And it just gave me more time to really think about everything . I knew that Jack would be thinking that I was just like everyone else running away from him when things got tough . Even though he " literally " drove me away . I realized what he was doing before we even fought about it . But I just couldn 't be the one this time to give in . I 'd felt so stupid chasing him around the streets of Montery Park until I was convinced that he was actually trying to lose me . But I was prepared and nailed him when he finally tried to make the excuses that I 'd already known he 'd make . Finally last night as I pulled into my neighborhood his car was parked just inside the entrance where it was impossible to miss him . I stopped because I just didn 't want to make a scene in front of my house and my dad was home this week and well , he would never tolerate the way Jack tends to get . I pulled in front of him and he got out and I moved my books and he got in . I waited for him to start talking . And he started in right away about how I just fell off the face of the planet but how it was to be expected because he couldn 't count on anyone in his life . I have discovered in dealing with Jack , when he gets like that , the best way to handle him , is to just apologize and sympathize with how he is feeling . NOT this time . I 'd had it . And I 'd had time to do plenty of thinking . There 'd been a time when I 'd even jumped on his car 's hood crying when he screeched away , trying to get him to stay and talk . Never again . I was ready . I put my hand up to stop him . This time he was going to hear me out . I told him that I didn 't even want to talk about what happened when I was supposed to be following him . I told him that he knew exactly what he was doing and that I didn 't know where I was going and he lost me . He started to interrupt and I held up my hand and he actually stopped talking and let me continue which I have to admit kind of empowered me . I said that I knew that it was an uncomfortable situation with his mom and that he 'd always dealt with it himself and that it why when he 'd come home , he 'd lose his the girl and the semester . I told him that if he got it together this time , I was in it for the long haul and he wasn 't going to lose the girl . All of a sudden , he just relaxed and reached for me but I held firm and again held up my hand and he rolled his eyes and I smiled and kind of laughed . And told him that I was serious that he really did need to get his act together . That I knew he lost me because he didn 't know what else to do . But it hurt my feelings and he 's lucky I am smart enough to figure it out . But I meant it . He needed to get his act together . Then I let him in for the hug and it was different than any we 'd ever shared before . It was as if we 'd both grown up a little . Soooo … Do you know when you read a comment from someone and you click on their Avatar ( picture / name ) to get to their link to their blog ? Well , some people have failed to link their address to their Avatar , which is their initial intro . It is like your front door to your blog … if people aren 't finding you already knowing your address . This is just a freindly quick reminder for those of you who still have not figured out that you need to post your wordpress link to your avatar . ( picture / name ) here on your blog ! I have recently tried to return the favor and find some of you who have come on to my blog and cannot reply or respond to your comments or visit your blogs because I cannot find you . * You see , as I enter my writings here on this thing we call a computer , several days and sometimes weeks may have gone by in the journals I have found and am working from , so please bear with me … Back in the days when these were written , there were no computer documents , and files were just the ones they used to keep in a drawer . The stack and stacks of books that I have here are all different , some are leather bound , some are just those black and white composition notebooks , the ones still sold in the stationery section of most drugstores . They were all dated and most were initialed by Mrs . Walker and handed back . A few continued long after Mrs . Walker 's classes ended but not all were kept . I am thinking that we tend to try to throw out all traces of what hurt us … . so that may be why there are gaps and why it is confusing and why I must work from memory here because … . . I got an emergency call from Jack after school on Thursday . I was just walking in the door when the phone rang . He sounded relieved when he heard it was me and all he said was that his mom was at a hospital called Garfield Medical Center near her house and he gave me the number and told me to call for directions and then hung up before I had a chance to say anything else . I stood there staring at the phone and then said hello ? I looked at the paper where I 'd jotted down the number on and duitfully called it . A professional sounding woman gave me directions and I was relieved to hear that the freeways sounded familiar , so I scribbled a note to my mom and hopped in the car with my directions . When I found the nurse 's station on Liz 's floor I asked for her room number and if they 'd seen Jack . They directed me to her room and I still did not know what was going on until I saw Jack walking out and he quickly steered me away from everyone as I looked over my shoulder at an older woman sitting by the door and asked Jack who she was and he told me that she was a " sitter " and then said " my mom took a crapload of pills and they had to pump her stomach . " I just stood there for a minute and felt numb . He looked so weary and so young and I just grabbed him and hugged him and told him I was loved him and was sorry and at first he let me hug him and fell into my arms and held me tight and then without warning , he kind of jerked away and pulled from my arms and said he had to go take care of some insurane papers . He almost seemed mad at me . But I understood . I knew It all sucked for him . He had done this all before , he 'd told me and so had Richard . Jack told me to go to his mom 's room and he 'd be back in a few minutes and then just walked away . I really just wanted to wait , to go in the room with him because stuff like this just doesn 't happen in my family . I didn 't want to go in alone ! I didn 't know what to say . I walked past the older lady sitting at the door . She smiled at me kindly . I felt sorry for her that she had to sit there . When I walked through the door Liz was yelling and I realized it was at that lady to go away . She was saying she didn 't need a babysitter . All of a sudden I just got so mad . Not just at what was happening then , but everything that I knew about how unreasonable and selfish she 'd been through the years and I told her to " Just stop it ! " I told her that the lady had to sit there because of what she did , and didn 't want to be there anymore than Liz wanted her there , and if she didn 't shut up , I was going to leave and not come back . To my surprise she stopped and apologized and even leaned over and sweetly apologized to the woman sitting outside the door . I was caught off guard and when I turned to see what the woman 's reaction was , I saw Jack standing there smiling at me proudly . We stayed for a while and talked and then promised that we 'd go and feed her cat and bring her back some things tomorrow . We were going to stay at her house . We 'd called and gotten everything cleared for the next day so we could deal with what needed to be done and my parents said I could stay over at Liz 's . Jack told me to follow him . So as I backed out , he pulled up behind me and we began going down familiar looking side streets . At first I figured we were just going a short cut that Jack knew . And when I missed a light I panicked because I didn 't know exactly where I was but was releived when he pulled over . But not long enough for me to really catch up . For a while we seemed to be playing this weird cat and mouse game until I was almost in tears . Finally , he actually screeched off . I sat there stunned . My heart was racing my head was spinning and I felt the same feeling I 'd felt sailing that day . I began to question what I was doing chasing him around Montery Park . So I turned around and drove until I found a freeway I recognized and went home . At first I was crying and then I was just angry . When I walked in the door my mom asked what had happened to Jack 's mom . I had to tell her . But I made it sound like it was an accident . I told her that I was going to bed and that I 'd decided not to stay over because I had a test tomorrow and Jack could handle his mom and if he called to tell him I was asleep and then I lay awake all night long tossing and turning trying to understand what had happened . Liz is back at work and seems to be doing better . I was able to help her get caught up or should I say , had been keeping up with most of her duties along with mine , so she didn 't have so much to do when she returned . She seemed grateful and pretty surprised . I think that she thought that she was going to come back to a huge mess . I think that Richard stays on his boat some nights and at their house other nights but they laugh and joke in the office like old friends so it 's nice to feel the positive change , which has taken some of the pressure off of Jack who always seems to feel as if he has to shoulder the burden of whatever is going on with his mom . He shared more stories with me about how he received scholarships to go away to two schools and his mom called him both times with emergencies interrupting his semesters , causing him to lose a bunch of credits during both school years . It made me so angry to hear that . It made it a little easier for me to tell her about my job at TheSpeech and Language Develpment School in Buena Park but she sounded so happy for me . Happier then Jack seemed to be . She was so nice when I told her that I had to leave that I felt a little guilty . Not that I would have stayed longer at Amber Oil , school was starting and it was all supposed to be temporary anyway , but I did learn a lot and I could even have more work experience credits if I needed them , which I don 't ! If I took a test , I could probably graduate this month ! I do have some exciting news to catch you up on ! My dad came home about a month ago , with a new job possibility for Jack ! He is one of the Vice Presidents of Marketing at his computer company in El Segundo and he said that there was an entry level computer operator opening there and I know Jack was touched that my dad would even think of him . And I was happy because I think maybe he was thinking about our future together ! Anyway , I wasn 't sure that Jack would even be interested . I mean , he 'd never even talked about computers and he was already working for his mom and Richard . But he did seem interested and took the card he gave him and decided to apply and he got the job ! My dad just told him that no one but Jack 's bosses boss knew his relationship to my dad and he was to keep it that way ! Jack was so serious and cute and shook my dad 's hand and said " Yes sir . " I laughed so hard later mimicking him . So now he still works for Amber Oil three days a week in the day doing sales and Monday through Thursday nights from 3 to 12 he will work at CSCC ! . He is so excited and wants to go back to college to finish his degree in Computer Sciences and my dad seemed so proud and came home the other day and said he heard good reports so far and to keep up the good work . We took a drive that night to go celebrate everything while it was still getting dark later . Earlier that summer , we 'd found this spot on the cliffs nearby , where we 'd watch the sun set and sometimes even watched it rise on the days we 'd wake up early enough in the summer when my parents were out of town and it was really warm outside . Jack would pick me up and we 'd pile up a bunch of blankets and pillows in the car and go up there when it was still dark . It was so fun kind of like camping out just waiting for the sun with a thermos of coffee . Half the time we 'd miss it because we 'd get caught up in kissing or whatever else we happened to be doing and lie half naked , tangled up in each other , on the top of the hill looking up at the stars , as we could hear the waves breaking below . I am sorry . It has been a while since I 've posted . Even though I have made a deal with Mrs . Walker to try to keep up with you daily , she said that as long as I had a certain number of pages she would give me credit so the next few entries will be catching up . Sorry about that ! And just so you know … I am not just coming back for the credit … I really have begun to enjoy my time writing here . I wasn 't sure how I was going to gracefully move out of my job at Amber Oil even though summer was half over , but I got a job at a dental office in Hawthorne . It was short - lived . It was at a clinic which was in a pretty bad area . Not that Amber Oil is , in the best area , in the industrial section East of Los Angeles but I was so surprised when I stopped at a grocery store with a friend that I 'd made there on the way back to work after lunch , and there were armed guards outside the doors ! So after a few month I left that job . I saw the writing on the wall there anyway . The turn over was crazy . I actually had an interesting call the other day from Betty , one of my mom 's customers turned friends . Okay so let me explain … When I was about eleven , my mom started doing art shows and ever since I was very small , she 's always done something artsy . But my dad especially liked to walk around at different local art shows on his weekends off . He works a lot of hours but he always seemed to relax walking around looking at artwork and talking to artists . So he bought my mom some paints and she began painting these paintings of kids and forest scenes that actually were pretty good . She gave a few as gifts and began getting orders . So once my dad asked the organizer of one of the larger art shows how to get in and got my mom in . He built her A - frames for her exhibits and helped her set up . Soon she began having customers come to the house and that is where I met Betty . Betty was a good customer and purchased several paintings for her kid 's rooms by the time I met her . Usually , I 'd run in and run out and my mom would call me in to meet a customer . I 'd roll my eyes and run down the hall to her paint room and paint a smile on my face and shake their hands and take a minute for small talk and excuse myself but something made me stick around that day . This was probably about a year before I met Jack because I 'd just gotten my license . Anyway , I stayed to play with Betty 's little girl Christina . She was about six or seven and couldn 't talk , not one word . Well , she could say no ( smile ) but she was so smart and I was so intrigued . Betty told me that Christina had something called Aphasia and that she was going to a wonderful school in Buena Park that was teaching her to talk . I told her that I 'd be glad to babysit sometime . I am not sure why . I was way past the babysitting place in my life . But there was something that drew me to that little girl . So I began taking Christina out on outings . We 'd go to the park or to the library and I 'd sit with her at story time . Or I 'd take her to the mall and we 'd ride the merry - go - round and then one day I bought her a balloon . She kept pointing at it and I kept asking her if she wanted it and she kept nodding and I kept telling her to tell me what she wanted . Finally she said B - A - L - L - O - O - N ! ! ! I freaked out ! I was so happy ! I bought her three ! and we counted them and we talked about what color they were . She loves blue so she pointed to two blue ones so we talked about how there were two blue ones ! And when I brought her home I said … . " Christina , tell your mom what you 've got ! " And she held them behind her back even though they were flying RIGHT over her head and said … " bawooon " and Betty looked at me and cried . Later that month Betty took me to Christina 's school and she worked it out for me to volunteer two days a month during my sophomore year . ( That is why I have so many credits and along with the ones I got from SCROC last year , can graduate so early . ) Well , she called a few days ago and said that they missed me and they let her call to tell me that they wanted to offer me a real paying job working in the Pre - K class next year when I graduate in January ! ! ! ! When Jack and I first met and we were getting to know each other , I told him about Christina and the school and he seemed so proud of me and was even supportive about me wanting to explore going to school to become a Speech Therapist but we never really talked about it again . And then one time , when we ran into them at the market he was so sweet with Christina and it was my turn to be proud . Betty even caught my eye and winked at me , as if she was telling me that she thought he was a good guy . But when I called him all excited about my job offer he got real quiet . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreTumblrPinterestEmailPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in boundaries , changed plans , coming of age , dating boundaries , Dear Diary , empowerment , following your own heart , Uncategorized Tagged Aphasia , Children Speech Therapy , Goals , Speech Therapy , Teaching An Explanation of this Blog … Before Entry # 22 Before you guys read … If you are just finding this blog … It is probably best to read my ABOUT page so you understand what this is all about … A synopsis would be … that all of this actually happened and is all true . It is a peek into a young girl 's diary which began as an assignment in her High School English class but became a bittersweet keepsake for her decades later . A journal filled with an adolescent account of the journey of an innocent girl caught up in falling in love with a good guy , caught up in his own demons from his past , leading into a world of abuse and love and loss and second chances . I feel the tension in the air . On Friday nights I have found myself sitting on my floor typing out invoices that I can 't get done at work because I am doing Liz 's job too . I am not sure what is going on . The first month , she was there everyday and was such a wonderful teacher . She said I was a fast learner and Jack seemed so proud . I guess that is a good thing because she hasn 't been IN a lot this month . She has not been feeling well and not been coming in . Richard seems very sad . This company was his mom 's and once when we were talking he told me that sometimes he just wants to go find a broom pushing job and be done with it all . He says he is tired . I felt so bad for him . He just wanted someone to talk to so I stopped and listened and let him talk and he poured his heart out . I wasn 't sure what to say because I 've never really heard my parent 's fight . But he just seemed happy to have someone to talk to . He just sat there with his hands folded on his desk looking so lost . He just wants to go anywhere where there is not fighting . Jack seems worried and pretty stressed out and doesn 't seem so happy at work anymmore either . I think that he just wants a normal family so bad and so believed that if we all worked together it would all magically be okay . But it 's not . Like I said , Liz has been a good teacher but I am afraid that I can only do so much . It is pretty busy and one of the truckers that works for Richard has come in to help me , but for the most part . I am alone in the office and somedays I just want to cry . I think Jack has come into the office a few times when I was just about to , and sat down to answer the phones to try to help out . But there really should be more than two people in there , it is so busy . I turned 18 right before summer and so I have started looking for dental assisting jobs . The plan was that I would just work for part of the summer anyway so I will finish out next month and will have saved up enough from my pay checks for my dad to help me buy a car . I only have a few units left to finish my Senior year and am hoping to graduate in December so I can work my way into a full time job somewhere else . I keep looking over at that empty desk and wonder if Jack 's mom is ever coming back . My summer has definitely not turned out to be the way Laurie and I imagined it would be . So much for having the summer off ! Jack and I are almost done with our Soaring lessons . We have been faithfully going every Saturday . Sometimes we spend the night in Corona at a motel or we have even camped in a tent at Lake Elsinore . My instructor Glen is so sweet . He is about fifty and from Scotland . He has this great accent and everytime he greets me he says ; " Top of the morning ! " Instead of hello . So I had a tee shirt made for him and plan to give it to him when I finally solo . Jack is talking about buying a plane . He made friends with an older man named Steve who flies at the Glider Port . He already has a power license and his solo license . He has talked to Jack about maybe buying one together as co - owners . We met him a few weeks ago to look at one in Hemet but it is just a one seater . But that is just fine with me . The plan is that they will take turns sharing it , every other weekend . I know that I can 't suggest it until we have both soloed , because I want to finish what I started . But I really have no desire to do anything more than to maybe say that I actually soloed . I was hoping that Jack might make some friends of his own so that I can hang out with my friends . They are beginning to get annoyed and Laurie wants me to help her move to her dorms . I am not sure how to bring it up . I am sure he is going to feel that I don 't want to be with him but that 's not it at all . I just want to be with my friends too . Well , my mom and Lonnie are in Seattle and my dad is traveling so much that it is hard to keep up with if he is home or not but he calls me everyday and I am supposed to be checking in and staying at Laurie 's when he is out of town . Now that school is out , Jack and I drive together in the morning and come home at night . Liz like 's me working full time and I have to admit that it is pretty nice having my own money . I put most of it away . Jack spoils me and won 't let me pay when we go out . So I try to make lunch for us and pack it and I usually eat through lunch anyway . Sometimes Jack will come and pick me up and we will go get something quick . But Liz is beginning to depend on me more and sometimes I am the only one in the office . The other day one of the truckers came in and asked me to hold something . He motioned for me to hold out my hand and I did and when I realized that he had poured a bunch of " whites " in my hand I pulled my hand away and they spilled all over my desk . He and the other guys laughed . They think I am innocent . And well yeah , when it comes to stuff like that I am ! I guess they take them to stay awake but I hate drugs and Jack didn 't think it was a bit funny when I told him about it . Though for the most part , they are nice guys . I love to look inside their cabs . Some of them even have refrigerators and toilets and one even had a water bed ! He told me I could try it out but I rolled my eyes and said " NO thanks ! " I am beginning to catch on to their jokes . Liz seems to be showing up less . I think that she and Richard might be having trouble . I can tell that Jack is worried . Things are tense when she is around so I like it when she is not there . I know how to answer the phones and do the billing now and if I can 't answer a question , I just take a message and know someone will answer it . Jack has been telling me about some horrible dreams he has been having about his childhood . I think being around his mom more stirs up a lot of pain and memories . He has been doing so well and his mom seems proud of him . I really have not seen her evil side yet but he keeps assuring me it is there . He kind of reminds me of a little boy just wanting to please his mom . It makes me so sad . Top Posts & Pages About The End ( Final draft ) Can I Call You ? Indiscretions To Not Know Where You Went . . . Inside My Memories And I wonder I hand you my heart as it hangs from my sleeve A Poem About Anger You Could Have Had Me CategoriesCategories As I begin this blog , I am in High School and my English teacher , Mrs . Walker has given me this assignment to write in my journal everyday . Which is pretty easy for me because . . . I want to be a writer ! And well , that is kind of how I got into her class . Last year she put me in her Independent Study group after reading a lot of my poems . I had to pass her class the first year with an A and last year . . . all I had to do was write poems . It was pretty great . She taught me about timing and cadence and I got to study different styles . This year she has decided to give me a different assignment and it 's this journal thing . The other day , she told me that " Our lives are like books , everyday we write a page . " She 's told me that she has filled a lot of books in her life but that mine still has many chapters left . For now I am writing by recalling the author 's memories as she uses me to tell it to you . Though I may just be a character in her book . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 16 , 2013 Two years ago , I started this blog . I began writing because I felt alone . I knew there had to be other gay men out there who were looking for the same thing I was , and I wanted a way to connect with them . At the time , I just ended my first gay relationship , and I found myself in very unchartered waters . I was already out to close friends , but not publicly . Because I had so few gay friends and a strong aversion to gay bars , I had to find a mate digitally . I began serial dating , at one point going on four dates in four days - And thus , One Gay At A Time was born . Since the beginning , I have gone on MANY dates and put myself in many situations well outside my comfort zone . I have not only grown more comfortable in my own skin , but I 've also grown up as a gay man . I got all the hookups out of my system and began searching for a meaningful , long - term relationship . The time has come for the next chapter of my life and for this blog . For quite some time I 've been blogging about CK ( aka Clark Kent or Superman ) . You 've gotten to know him through my eyes in the early stages of our relationship . It 's been some time since I 've blogged , and I apologize for leaving you , my readers in the lurch . I do not mean to abandon the small community I 've worked so hard to foster , but I 've been struggling with the next chapter of the blog . I had to make a choice between the blog and my man . It 's quite obvious which I chose . As a result , I will no longer be blogging about the specifics of my relationship with CK . However , in lieu of continuing to finish our story in a daily dairy format , let me catch you up on what has happened since July . Here are some of the highlights … In July , CK joined my family for our annual beach vacation . While I went for the entire week , he only joined us for a few days . It was the first time we 'd spent an extended period of time apart , and with my trust / cheating baggage , it was a true test of my sanity . I was thrilled and relieved when he finally arrived . It was also nice that he would finally get to spend some real - time getting to know my parents . In early August , I traveled to Miami , CK 's birthplace to surprise his family with a visit to celebrate the birthdays of his two beautiful nephews ( turning 1 and 2 only a week apart ) . I felt incredibly special taking this trip with CK . I was meeting his ENTIRE extended family . Before this point , I 'd only met his mother . I was welcomed into the family with open arms and came to grow strong bonds with them over just a handful of days . This was unchartered territory for both of us , as I 'd never been brought home to meet the family by anyone other than my high school girlfriend , and he 'd never brought a man home to meet everyone before . It could not have worked out better ! Around Labor Day , CK and I went on week - long vacation to the Hamptons with 15 of my friends and family . While there , our relationship grew very strained . I felt he was trying too hard to impress my friends . I wanted him to be himself so all of them would come to love the man I knew , not the man I felt he was trying to be for them . By the end of the week , I reached my breaking point . I was so stressed out from organizing the vacation and ensuring everyone was happy that I made myself miserable , and I took it out on the person closest to me . In the penultimate moment of the trip , one night we not only exchanged words but also fists and shoves , as my closest friends and sister witnessed the lowest moment of our relationship . It took a lot of time for CK and I to figure things out . This wasn 't the first time our relationship reached physicality , but I hoped it was the last . It also took a long time for things to return to normal between CK , me and my circle of friends . My sister wasn 't speaking to me for over a month and my friends had semi - ostracized me from typical gatherings . I burned a lot of bridges on that trip , and I am still working to rebuild them today . You can expect to read about my experiences and feelings dealing with issues such as physical violence in a relationship as one of the topics I will cover in coming posts . In September , CK and I found an apartment in Hoboken to call our own . We moved in together in the midst of Hurricane Sandy 's wake on November 2 . Although the experience of moving immediately following a hurricane is incredibly overwhelming , we are both stronger as a result of the experience . In my experience , moving in with a lover is unlike sharing a space with any other . You 'll certainly be reading about my experiences and the things I 've learned from this experience as well . After Sandy exhausted my last modicum of energy , I decided I was too tired to shave my upper lip . CK and I both decided to raise awareness and funds to fight prostate cancer by growing mustaches for Movember . I proudly raised over $ 500 for charity as a result of my stache , and I was thrilled when we both shaved them off - We both looked like pedophiles . For the first time in my life , I had someone to take home to meet my family for Thanksgiving . Before venturing home , I sent my extended maternal family an email to get the awkwardness out of the way . You 'll be pleased to know my family welcomed him with open arms . I imagine coming out to extended family creates a lot of anxiety for man , as it did for me , so I hope sharing my experiences will encourage more to share the truth with the ones they love . When I returned to Hoboken after Thanksgiving , preparations began immediately for what would have been my Sixth Annual Holiday Bash . This year , it became Our First Annual Holiday Bash . I finally had someone to share the hosting duties with , making it extra special . Although CK and I spent Christmas apart , after all the festivities with my family , I hopped on a flight down to Miami to spend the rest of the holiday season and New Years Eve with my man and his family . CK 's sister and brother - in - law planned a trip with their two boys to Disney World for two days . After a little persuading , I convinced CK we should join them . I preferred Disney to a raucous gay party any day , and it was truly magical to see Disney World through the eyes of a two - year - old . In February , CK and I took a romantic trip to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz , NY . Although it seems we can 't go anywhere without having some kind of quarrel like an old married couple , the trip was amazing and couldn 't have come at a better time . We went ice skating , snow shoeing , swimming , hiking , and much more . It was a perfect escape for both of us to get out of the city and away from the bustle of it all after the holidays . In between , there have been countless brunches , parties , trips , nights out , Broadway shows , fights … Oh yea , and plenty of sex - Can 't forget the sex ! Overall , things have been going well for us . You have good days and bad days , but you have to realize the bad days are just there so you appreciate the good ones all the more . I am thrilled to announce , this past Saturday , CK and I celebrated our one - year anniversary at the restaurant we went to on our first date , Frankies Spuntino 570 . Although we waited nearly an hour , the evening was perfect , and I look forward to many more years together . To my most dedicated readers who haven 't let me lack of posting stop them from commenting words of support on my blog , thank you . You are what has motivated me to get back into this once again . I feel like many of you have integrated my writing into your daily routines , and I have left you with your morning coffee in hand and no reading material . You will not see the frequency of posts you may have grown accustomed in the past , but I still hope you find time in your lives for One Gay At A Time . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 27 , 2012 No matter how many times it happened , I never grew tired of waking up next to CK . The night before concluded with the most passionate lovemaking we shared to date . Everything felt amazing ! It was late in the morning , but I was still reeling from our late - night romp . I could only dream every time would be like that from there on out . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . When I woke him with my kisses , he ran his hand down my torso until he noticed my morning excitement . He grabbed hold and squeezed , expressing his delight in his discovery . He pulled the sheets down , followed shortly by my boxer briefs . As his head bobbed up and down between my legs , I let out moans of pleasure . What a way to wake up ! Apparently , neither of us got enough the night before . We were both still excited about how amazing it was . It made me excited and hard just thinking about it . We both wanted a sequel . He climbed on top of me , and we began passionately kissing . Of course , things escalated from there . It wasn 't long before I had him on his back , and I was deep inside him . The sex was great that morning . It wasn 't quite like the epic romp we had the night before , but it was great . We flipped , and he had his way with me . When we finished , while we laid in the bed together , he took hold of my head and said , " [ O . G . A . A . T . ] , I love you . " Even though I suspected it was coming , nothing could have prepared me for that moment . No man had ever told me they loved me before . I knew he meant it . I stared deep into his eyes - Deep into the eyes of the man I loved too . " I love you too , Babe , " I added . We hugged strongly and kissed passionately . It was an incredible moment , and I began to cry a little . He reacted by comforting me . I think he was a little panicked . He didn 't know how to deal with that , but that didn 't really matter . We were in love . That was all that mattered . Because of this and the sex , we were very late for our plans to meet P on the pier . When showered up , ate something and packed our bags for the pier . P was there waiting for us when we arrived . We apologized for being delayed and hinted at the reason . She gave a giddy laugh and scolded us . P and CK decided to hit up one of the food trucks / ice cream trucks after a while . They came back with all sorts of things and an ice cream sandwich for me . While they were gone , I played with P 's dog , Baby , and I texted the rest of my friends to see who was up for a day on the pier . A few responded explaining they 'd be on their way shortly . I told the other two everyone 's whereabouts and plans . CK asked about my sister , but I told him she hadn 't responded to my text . He was very concerned with her perception of him . They 'd only met for a short while at the Hoboken Arts and Music Festival a few weeks earlier . Even when prompted , she still had no opinion . This worried him . After some time , my friend G joined us . I also got ahold of D and his girlfriend . They were in the city for brunch , but they would join us on their way back home . CK and I decided we wanted to have some refreshing cocktails to go with our small picnic of snacks . Just as D and his girlfriend were arriving , we made our way to the liquor store to get some prosecco . I had a great idea to mix this with a few flavors from Rita 's Italian Ice . While we walked , CK and I discussed him meeting my parents . They were coming into the city in early June for a Broadway show and dinner . I wanted him to meet them . I invited him to the dinner a few days earlier . I explained to him my sister 's reaction to his invitation , as well as my parents . My parents had no issue , but my sister thought it was too soon . In telling CK this , I realized I made a big mistake . He immediately expressed to me , " OKAY ! Now , I 'm definitely not coming ! " " WHAT ! ? " I protested . I was not happy with that . I was very excited for him to finally meet my parents . I 'd met his mother , and it went swimmingly . On top of this , he meant a lot to me . I wanted my parents to know this . They 'd never met any of the guys I 'd dated in the past . In my protest and explanation , I think I was able to bring him back around . We grabbed two bottles of prosecco and made our way to Ritas . We got watermelon and mango peach ice to mix with the prosecco . We planned to make refreshing summer drinks for all . As we walked back to the pier , he still didn 't give up on the fact my sister wasn 't joining us . He was harassing me to invite her , but because of her snarky email telling me I shouldn 't invite my boyfriend to dinner , on top of other things , I was annoyed with her . Then I checked my phone when I went to invite her and realized I 'd already done so when I reached out to the others . She didn 't respond . I told CK this , and his guilt was alleviated . When we got back , we shared our drinks with everyone in improvised vessels since we forgot to get cups . Everyone was talking and having fun . CK was fitting in nicely . I loved seeing him with my friends and how he interacted with them . He passed my friend test swimmingly . I care a lot about them , and if he could 't hang with them , it wouldn 't last . He was able to hold his own and impressed me to no end . We decided to plant ourselves on the couch and watch Immortals for the evening . We ate dinner and cuddled on the couch until it was time to head back into the city to his place . We didn 't plan for him to stay over . It was very late , but he had nothing for work the next day . Since he was close to my office it only made sense to spend the night there . We got to his apartment and got ready for bed immediately . I brushed my teeth and climbed in between the sheets . It wasn 't long before I dozed off , but I was thrilled to be in his arms . I never got tired of sleeping with him , and hopefully , there would be infinite nights in the future we spent the same way . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 26 , 2012 After not sleeping for more than four hours , Friday night , I slept like a log . I was out very quickly and slept straight through to the morning . I was also starving . After not having a full meal the night before , I was feeling ravenous . I went into the kitchen and began heating our Greek dinners from the night before in the oven . I returned to the bed to fool around with CK while they heated . He was waiting for me with open arms . I dove right into them . I loved waking up with him . It made my day begin so much better . We continued to fool around and hug and kiss . Rolling around in the sheets with him was a perfect way to begin our day . When the food was heated through , I plated our meals and brought them to bed . We watched TV on his iPad while we ate our brunch . It was very tasty . I loved eating dinner food for breakfast . Later that morning , I realized I forgot my toothbrush . I needed to go out and purchase one . I got dressed and made my way to a nearby bodega while CK got dressed for the day . I also popped into Starbucks for a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino . It was a gorgeous day , and I was happy to be outside . With delicious coffee in hand and a new toothbrush in my pocket , I made my way back to CK 's apartment . I texted CK to get a move - on since it was so nice out . It was already after noon , and I wanted to take advantage of the nice weather . He finally had a weekend he wouldn 't have to stress about finding a new apartment , and I wanted to get some much - needed sun . We made plans for him to show me his new apartment on the way to Central Park . CK finally got ready , and we decided to walk there . It was so nice out , I wasn 't about to get on the subway , nor did I want to pay for a cab . We came upon a street festival on Ninth Avenue on the way . It seemed like fun , but it was a little overcrowded . I was anxious to see his new living quarters and hit up Central Park . With blanket in hand , we cut through the crowd to get to his street . Just before we got to his apartment building , we happened upon a cute garden society park . We decided to scope it out along the way . When we finally got to his building , it turns out we weren 't able to see his apartment . His new roommate never left a key with the front desk . The doorman wouldn 't let us up to see the roof - deck either . We didn 't fight it . We left and made our way to the park . When we got there , Sheep 's Meadow was packed . There was little real estate left for us to put down a blanket . He laid down and took off our shirts so we could get a little color . We talked about a myriad of things while hugging and kissing each other . We made sure not to make a spectacle of ourselves , but we were enjoying each other 's company . When a little boy walked by us and waved at us , he turned to me and said , " Awwwww . He 's so cute . Let 's get one ! " I laughed , but deep inside , I melted a little . I could just picture how awesome a father he 'd be . I looked forward to a long future with him , and the thought of us raising a child didn 't scare me in the least . I was excited ! I agreed down the road it would be great to raise a kid , but I suggested we get a dog first . At that , he wanted to go shopping for a dog for me . I explained I am not able to take care of a dog . I lead too active a lifestyle , however , if the time came where we 'd move in together , I would certainly love to get a dog together . We spent a good portion of the afternoon lying around chatting . When CK was finally bored with this , he suggested we rent bikes and take a ride around central park . I thought this was a great idea , so we packed up and found some bikes to rent . This was an incredibly shady transaction . I felt like I was buying drugs . We talked to about five different guys before we were given a bike that may or may not have been stolen . He asked for one of our licenses . Neither of us felt comfortable doing this because we weren 't sure we 'd ever see the same guy again , let alone our licenses . He agreed to let us have them without the collateral . A simple fist bump sealed the deal . I guess we look like trustworthy guys . We took the bikes and sped off on our ride . We did a complete loop of the park . CK broke out his iPhone and started using Video Star again to film us while riding . It was a lot of fun , until he dropped his phone along the way ( However , this added greatly to the actual video that resulted from the footage ) . The phone survived unscathed , and we continued on . We rode around for about an hour before taking the bikes back . Many times we joked about running off with our new bikes , but we didn 't want the bad karma . I was feeling peckish , so we made our way to Whole Foods to pick up a snack to eat before heading back to Hoboken for dinner . I had another Living Social to use up . We made our way back to his place before heading to the PATH . I left my bag there , and we made our way to 1 Republik . I called P along the way an encouraged her to join us . When we got to the door , we were denied because I was wearing flip - flops and CK and I were both wearing shorts . I 'm sure if we stood and argued about going in for dinner , they would have made an exception , but I was in a good mood from an awesome day . I didn 't want to argue . We decided to hit up Four L 's instead . We grabbed a table , and the three of us had some spectacular drinks and a few plates of food . We had fun people watching and judging the others making scenes in the bar . We walked holding hands and having fun the whole way until CK stopped abruptly . He pulled me in and told me he had something to tell me . Just then , I let out the biggest fart I possibly could . My comedic timing was finally on point . We both busted our sides laughing . When I encouraged him to tell me what he wanted , he wouldn 't budge . I regretted the fart slightly , because I think I ruined what I believed was meant to be a beautiful moment . I highly suspected , based on his actions , he was about to tell me he loved me . I ruined it with a fart . I would have to wait until the next time he got the urge to express this . I 'd already told him I was close to saying it , but I hadn 't said it yet . I was anxious if to learn if I was right about what he wanted to tell me then . When we got back to my apartment , CK and I made our way to my bedroom . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . He wanted to penetrate me , and I obliged . I wasn 't the biggest fan of bottoming on my back , so I turned onto my stomach and raised my hips into the air while he prepped . He was inside me , and it felt great . I loved feeling his body against mine while he kissed the back of my neck . Just before he was about to finish , he pulled out and shot all over my back . He grabbed me a towel , and we laid next to each other enjoying the lasting effects of sex . When he asked if I wanted to penetrate him , I jumped on the opportunity . I really wanted to fall asleep inside him . He agreed to this , so we got into the spooning position . I lined up and slowly slide inside him while hugging him from behind . This felt great . Of course , there would be no sleeping . This simply escalated to sex , but it was the best sex we 'd had to date . I was penetrating him in the spooning position at first , but before long , I rolled over on my back , and he was on top of me while I was still inside him . It was unbelievably passionate . We changed positions many more times after that , one of which was the reverse cowgirl . I loved every second of it . He was making me feel things I 'd yet to feel with him . It was inconceivable ! That wasn 't meant to be what happened , but neither of us complained . We both went to bed that night happy men . Not only did I get great sex , I also suspected my boyfriend truly loved me . I 'd have to wait for confirmation on the latter portion , but I was still on a high from great sex regardless . I would sleep rather soundly that night with the most amazing man I 'd ever had in my bed . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 19 , 2012 The day after my birthday , CK and I made plans for me to meet his mother while she was in town . I celebrated my birthday the day before without him , but I still managed to have fun . I was incredibly excited to see him . I was also incredibly honored to meet his mother . I couldn 't believe he felt comfortable introducing me to her exactly one month from the date we first met , however , we 'd grown extremely close in that short period of time . There was a plan for me to meet CK , his mother , and three of his friends at Essex and Beauty on the Lower East Side for brunch . It was Mother 's Day , so I knew wherever we were going was going to be a sh * tshow ! I was slightly anxious . I was more nervous about meeting the one friend I 'd never met before than I was about his mother . I 'm not sure why , but I didn 't feel any pressure there . I was pretty relaxed about it . Either way , I was missing my Superman terribly . I arrived a few minutes late for our reservation . CK and his mother were still in transport , but the three friends had already sat at the table . One of them came to the front to greet me and take me to the table . I 'd met him before when we all went to see Avengers together . As we ascended the staircase to our table , he informed me of a problem in the kitchen . He mentioned something about a leak and having to shut the kitchen down . There was new immediacy to our plans . Per usual , CK was running quite late . I learned they were in a cab , but they were on the other side of Manhattan , however , he shared the good news he finally found a new apartment . It wasn 't in Brooklyn . It wasn 't on the Lower East Side . It was in Hell 's Kitchen . I was thrilled ! ! We learned they wouldn 't arrive in time for us to order , and one of the friends began to protest in uproar . He argued with the staff until he learned of the true nature of the problem . The maître d ' offered to walk us over to their sister restaurant , The Stanton Social to ensure we got a table and were served quickly . On the walk over , we happened upon CK and his mother getting out of their cab . He was in the process of calling me . I said hi to him and was introduced to his mother . She wasn 't what I expected at all . I 'm not sure what my expectations were , but she certainly surpassed them . She was gorgeous and very lively . I immediately loved her spirit and energy . We continued to the other restaurant . Not only did we get a table quickly , we were also served champagne to start . They more than made up for the inconvenience . On top of that , I feel we upgraded restaurants , not downgraded . His mother took the time to hug all the other boys and say hi . She knew two of them from Miami , where CK grew up , so there was some catching up to do . CK was rather reserved in regards to PDA . We didn 't kiss , but I got a hefty hug . He whispered in my ear how much he missed me . We held hands under the table nearly the entire meal . It was very nice being with everyone . The conversation flowed , and there was rarely an awkward moment . Our food was excellent , and we all enjoyed our meal . I was worried I 'd feel like an outsider , not because his friends wouldn 't include me , but because they all already knew each other . I was the new guy . I didn 't know the stories . I didn 't know the inside jokes . That would take time . Generally , until I 'm comfortable , I get quiet . I was worried they would think I was antisocial , which clearly isn 't the case . I really loved watching CK and his mother interact . She had a nickname she called him , and I found it adorable . They shared a lot of the same mannerisms . I watched her keep him in line ( and made sure I took mental notes ) . They were incredible together , even with the hell they went through over that weekend to find him a new apartment . It was obvious the copious amounts of love they shared . When we exited the restaurant , his mother returned to go to the bathroom . He took the opportunity to pull me in and give me the biggest kiss . It was quite a scene , but we didn 't care . His friends made comments , and he pointed out how he wouldn 't kiss me in front of his mother . Apparently , it made her slightly uncomfortable when he " flaunted his homosexuality . " I thought this was funny , because it 's the kind of thing I could hear coming out of my mother 's mouth . When she came back outside , we made plans to go back to his place and spend the rest of the evening on his roof watching the sunset . We stopped for a bottle of wine and some beers and went up to the roof with the batch of cookies I baked for his mother . Before heading up to the roof , CK and one of his friends were talking in the kitchen . That left myself and his mother in his living room to chat . I learned about all her dogs , as well as CK 's dog all living under her care . She told me how early she had to get up to take care of them the morning she flew out . We talked about what it takes to raise a dog and discussed CK 's desire to get a dog . He was constantly trying to take me shopping for a dog , but I couldn 't take care of one on my own . I wouldn 't have a dog until I lived with someone who would help me raise it . Maybe CK could fill that roll one day . We spent a lot of time talking about cooking . CK 's friend was an avid cook , so we had a lot to chat about . I showed him my massive digital cookbook I created . I learned where CK inherited his lack of cooking skills . Apparently , his mother was a self - admitted non - chef . She barely cooked , so the two of them discussed their lack of skill in the kitchen , however , each had their specialty they could cook . I expressed my plan to teach CK how to cook , but ensure he wouldn 't cut his finger off again under my supervision . After a while , a guy CK used to hook up with who lived in the building joined us . CK privately made a comment to me when we were downstairs how he may have seen us all through the window . He mentioned inviting him to join us , and I didn 't protest . My guard was up however . I had no idea how he 'd treat me . After all , I was the one who got the man he had a crush on . They were almost roommates until it came to light he had a crush on CK , who told me he did not share the same feelings . In the end , this guy was pretty cool . He wasn 't combative toward me in the slightest , and we actually got along . The conversation continued through the night . When this guy left , CK made an attempt to set him up with the friend who joined us from brunch . I really liked this guy . He seemed to get it . He was very realistic and had a great sense of humor . Of the friends I 'd met so far , he was the one I felt I would get along with the best . When the old hookup left , CK 's friend called him to set up a date . This also killed two birds with one bullet . The old hookup would be tied up and would stay away from my man . Yes , I was getting territorial . CK 's mother told us stories about him when he was a child , and I was really enjoying getting to know him , his mother and his friends . It was starting to get late , and CK and his mother still needed to get dinner . I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day . I too needed to eat something other than cookies . I said goodbye to CK 's mother with a big hug and CK walked me to the door . We talked about how much we couldn 't wait until his mother left , not because either of us were tired of her , but because we were hungry for each other . We hadn 't slept together in days , and our animal instincts were growling . I said goodbye to him with a big kiss and made my way to the PATH to head home . It was a very successful weekend . I had a great birthday , and apparently , I was a hit with CK 's mother . The whole day was a big success . I was all the more excited to be a bigger part of CK 's life , and I couldn 't wait for the next moment . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 29 , 2012 I 'd begun an amazing date with a spectacular man , and I couldn 't wait for what was to come next . Although I had been to Frankies 570 multiple times before with multiple dates , this time was special . I had an amazing guy to share a meal with . Ironically , my meal from days prior was so good , I ordered the same the again . Conversation over dinner we great . It flowed like water downhill . We were both very flirtatious and chatty . On many of my other dates , there were long awkward pauses , but not on this one . Everything was just so easy . When I excuse myself to go to the bathroom , he leaned in requesting a kiss first . It was incredibly sweet and adorable . I really liked this guy . He was everything I was looking for . I was just taking extra care to make sure I didn 't get ahead of myself . I had a history of falling for guys who would hurt me or not be interested in pursuing anything further . While in the restroom , I looked in the mirror to keep myself centered . All I could do was smile at my reflection like a giddy schoolgirl . When I returned to the table , the conversation picked back up where we left off . My hand was on his leg under the table . His body language was very positive . Our meals came , and we shared them with each other . Both of us were very happy with our selections . When the meal ended , we agreed to order a dessert to share . We got the crème - brulee . I dug my spoon into it and fed him a spoonful . It felt incredibly romantic . He smiled as his mouth closed around the spoon . We finished dessert and began to chat about what to do next . He was dancing around what I can only assume were his true motives . He said , " We can go have more drinks . " I interjected , " I don 't want to drink anymore . " " We can drop our bags at my place and go out . We could grab Pinkberry … " he added . I cut him off at the pass saying , " You can stop dancing around it . We can go back to your place . " He immediately smiled and agreed that was the best idea . I wasn 't thinking we were going back to his place for sex . I knew there would be making out and a lot of heavy petting , but I wasn 't planning to give it up that easily . We hopped in a cab back to his apartment . He asked if I wanted to go to the roof , and I told him I would default to him . We were on his home turf . He could run the show . I picked the bar and restaurant . It was his turn to drive . Before we got to his place , he warned me of the condition of it . He informed me he lived like a frat boy . When we got to his place , we stopped in his apartment on our way to the roof . I didn 't think he was as bad as he let on . We began making out on the bed . This , of course , led to many other things . Slowly but surely , clothes started landing on the floor in scattered piles . Eventually , we fond ourselves naked and engaging in a myriad of sexual acts , but penetration would never occur . He was a very passionate man . I have found it nearly impossible to find a man whose intellect , wit and sense of adventure outside the bedroom matched their passion in the bedroom . He was a diamond in the rough . I wasn 't going to let this one go without a fight . I noticed he was very into music . It was like he needed a soundtrack . I liked it . Every minute I was learning something new about him , and it was all making me like him even more . We never made it to the roof . We ended up passing out on top of each other 's naked body . In the middle of the night , we both woke up . It was around 2 : 00 . He offered for me to stay . I was under the impression that was already happening . I assumed I would just stay the night . We cuddled some more , and he turned out the lights . When we woke in the morning , things weren 't awkward at all . I felt very comfortable with him . We talked about how we didn 't have sex and how that made us both happy . We didn 't need to rush things . I mean , I was spending the night on a first date , but I was happy true sex didn 't occur . I was also thrilled he was the type of guy who would just bring that up and not keep it inside for fear of saying the wrong thing . He spoke his mind . I needed to get back to that . Being with him might help me get back to that . He was amazing . There was no question about it . We were both starving and decided to get dressed to hunt for some breakfast . We stopped by a few places before finally settling on Jimmy 's American Grill and Bar . We grabbed a table outside and picked up the conversation where we left off the previous night . I let my freak flag fly . I felt so free with him . I told him all about me and my idiosyncrasies . I explained my Christmas Bash and all the work I put into it . He referred to me as Martha Stewart , and I expressed my hatred for that referral . I didn 't like that my cooking and entertaining had a feminine connotation . I told him I was more the Nate Berkus type . He laughed and agreed it was a better reference . I told him about my crazy coworkers and how we would make an amazing reality show . I told him about growing up on a farm . Everything I could think of , I brought out . He loved it all ! I learned about where he grew up and his career in advertising . Every word made me like him more and more . He also told me about his friends . They texted him while we were eating to ask him to come to brunch 2 . 0 . Somehow , we got on the topic of The Hunger Games . I was reading the books , and he had already seen the movie . I told him I was looking forward to seeing the movie . He told me he would go see it again and asked if we could go see it Sunday . You could have knocked me over with a feather . He was already planning date number two before date number one concluded . I was thrilled and immediately accepted . He walked me to the PATH to say goodbye before heading downtown to meet his friends at Elmo . We kissed each other goodbye and gave a long lasting hug . There was a homeless man panhandling next to us who said , " Get a room , " through a smile . He began laughing , and I started to crack up since I was the one facing him . I said to my amazing date , " That made my day . " Immediately , he replied , " You made my day . " I was in heaven . I said goodbye and went down the stairs to the train . Later , I learned from checking his Twitter that when he checked in at dinner on Foursquare , he wrote , " Easy conversation + tasty food + hot boy = great date on a Fri night ( @ Frankies 570 w / 2 others ) " and the next day at brunch , " When last night 's date becomes this afternoon 's brunch date ( @ Jimmy 's American Grill & Bar ) . He really did like me . I was just finding it hard to take . It was like a dream . I couldn 't really believe it . I didn 't want to get too excited because I didn 't want to get hurt . But , honestly , who gives a f * ck . I was happy , and that was all I cared about . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 23 , 2012 Tuesday night , I was happy to be home . My date with S . D . wasn 't bad , but it helped me realize he wasn 't the guy for me . We had too many differences of opinion . I noticed on my calendar Broadway 's birthday had arrived . I made sure to call him to wish him a happy birthday , but he didn 't answer . If I recalled correctly , he was in California for a vacation . I left him a message and told him to call me when he had a free second . I didn 't hear back from him for over a week . I was a little disappointed , however , we still maintain a friendship . His friendship is important to me . I had a date planned that Wednesday with a guy I chatted with on OKCupid , but he ended up bailing on me at the last - minute . This time , I had no one waiting in the wings . I debated just lying low and going home after work , but another part of me didn 't want to waste a free night . I thought I 'd reach out to my current roster to see if any of the guys were free to meet . I figured I might as well get a first date out of the way while I had the time . I was really looking at dating like a job . This was bad policy , but with someone like me who has a busy schedule , you gotta do what you gotta do . I sent out feelers to the guys to see who was available to grab a drink after work . Ironically , two of the guys responded . One was in Hell 's Kitchen and the other lived in Jersey City . I wondered if I could schedule them both in the same night . Hell 's Kitchen would work out because I could just take the bus home , and Jersey City could work if he came to Hoboken to grab a coffee or a drink when I got home later . I wasn 't all that psyched about the guy from Hell 's Kitchen , so I assumed it would be a short date and work out . The first guy picked a nice restaurant , Pier 9 , at the north end of Hell 's Kitchen to grab a drink and maybe an appetizer . It just so happened to be right across the street from his apartment . We met just inside the restaurant . I wasn 't excited by what I saw . He wasn 't unattractive , but he wasn 't attractive either . That being said , I wasn 't writing him off based on looks . He was a regular here . He knew a lot of the wait staff , and they took good care of him . We grabbed a seat and began to chat . The conversation was pretty relaxed . We both decided to order wine , and since it was happy hour , we split a bottle at half price . We also noticed a great edamame appetizer on the table next to us and ordered that to split while we got to know each other . It was a very nice place , and the wait staff was super sweet to us . They could tell we were on a date and treated us as such . We talked about our jobs , our families , life in the city , etc . It was nice conversation . Nothing was forced or awkward , but there was no spark either . He seemed like a really nice guy , and we agreed on a lot of things . I could see us getting along really well , but more in a friendship capacity than a dating one . I could see him being a good date for Sunday morning brunch to talk about the weekend and talk about guys . We were there for a decent chunk of time . The date lasted about an hour all said and done . We finished the bottle and the appetizer and decided it was time to head out . I could tell he didn 't find a strong connection there either . I had to initiate the goodbye hug , and there certainly was no feeling behind it . This would make things easier . We left with the same expectations of not hearing from the other much after we parted ways . As I walked to the bus , I started texting the guy from Jersey City . We 'd talked more than a few times before . We 'd become Facebook friends , and I was supposed to see him on Hoboken St . Patty 's when he was attending the gay party across the street from my apartment , but he never made it . I asked him to an unconventional date . I lined it up for him to come to my place and just relax with a glass of wine . He agreed that sounded like a great idea , so he came over shortly after I came home . We were finally making time to meet up in person … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 4 , 2012 Today is another Fast Forward Friday ! ! ! Hope you are enjoying these . It will help bring the blog a little closer to real - time . If you 're keeping up with the stories chronologically , please skip down to this morning 's post first , then read this one . I think it 's a good one ! Enjoy ! Saturday had arrived , and it was St . Patty 's Day . I was out early in the morning to hit up the gym . I wasn 't going to find myself wasting another day lying around my apartment looking for sex . It was the true start to my staycation and to the new me . It was gorgeous outside , and I was motivated . As I left the gym , I ran into K and one of my other friends . They were heading into the city to drink , but I wasn 't interested . I 'd just come from the gym . I 'm not a fan of day drinking to begin with . I said goodbye and continued on my way home . D 's girlfriend was up from Philly that weekend , so I texted them to see what they were up to . They were grabbing brunch and had no plans for the rest of the day . I told them I was bored and lonely , and if they thought of anything , I 'd be game . I also called my old roommate to see what he was up to . He was studying for yet another test he had to take for work . I knew it was useless to try to convince him to do anything else . Finally , D and his girlfriend decided to swing by . They came up , and we just lounged around chatting . She 'd never been to my apartment before , so I showed her around . After some time , we decided to go for a drive and check some new cars for D to possibly lease . I was game , so we made our way uptown in the great weather to D 's car . We decided to drive around Jersey City since there were a few nice neighborhoods I 'd never explored . I was a bit curious , and the other two were as well . I also wanted to scope out a spot I had in mind for dinner that night with the guy I spoke to on the phone for two hours , Travel Agent . We drove by the cute cafe on the corner in an upscale neighborhood of Jersey City , The Hamilton Inn . I 'd seen it a few times before and had been curious how it was . I pulled up the menu on my phone and suggested the idea to T . A . We drove around for quite a bit more before finally returning to Hoboken . They dropped me off at home . I hopped in the shower and began to get ready for the evening with T . A . I 'd been texting him a bit and made a reservation at the restaurant for 7 : 00 . When he told me it 'd have to be later , I called and changed the reservation for 8 : 30 . When the time came , he picked me up in his nice Audi . He was a good - looking guy . He wasn 't someone you 'd stop on the street and say , " Damn ! " but he was good - looking . We jumped right into conversation . It was fairly relaxed . I feel he may have been slightly uptight , but I tried to remain candid and relaxed . The Hamilton was exactly what I was hoping for . It had a decent crowd , the food looked and smelled amazing , and we got a nice table to sit and chat with each other . The obvious and easy thing to decide was to order a bottle of Malbec to share . I still couldn 't help feeling he was uneasy about things . He just didn 't seem to relax . I tried to lighten things up and asked if he wanted to split an appetizer . He agreed , but it wasn 't terribly easy to pick something . He defaulted to me , and after discussing it , I finally decided on the pierogies with goat cheese appetizer . We began by talking about where we grew up in more detail than we discussed on the phone . The conversation shifted to our jobs . I got to learn in greater detail what he does . I told him about my job , and slowly I began to realize I was monopolizing the conversation . He 'd ask me a question , and I 'd answer in detail . When I 'd ask him questions , his answers would be short . I wanted to get to know him . He seemed like a decent guy . We talked some more until our food arrived . Or should I say , I talked some more . I would never say it was a bad date , but I would also not say it was a great one either . We shared some of our meals with the other . It was a nice time . I was enjoying his company , and the food was delicious . I was looking forward to a second date so we could think of something more relaxed to do . Hopefully that would break him out of his shell . We declined dessert since he had to get home because he had a big work project the following day . He expressed to me how much he enjoyed the date . I was happy to hear it . We split the tab and made our way back to his car . On the way back to my apartment , we passed another restaurant I was interested in trying . I mentioned it to him , and he said , " Maybe next time we should try there . " That was a very hopeful statement . If he was already thinking about next time , maybe he really did enjoy it too . We stopped in front of my apartment , and he put the car in park . He leaned over and gave me a kiss . I pulled back and went in for a second . It was nice , and I wanted him to know I was interested . I told him , " Call me when you 're back from Mexico . Or , you can text / call whenever you like , " with a smile as I exited the car . He told me we 'd be in touch . After that , I heard nothing from him . He clearly stated his enjoyment and mentioned a second date . How was I not supposed to think he was interested ? I sent him a text to tell him of my good time with him , but I got no response . I checked Grindr , and sure enough , he was online . Clearly he was ignoring me . I messaged him on Grindr as well . When a day passed and I heard nothing back , I decided he would either deny this or the " relationship " would be dead before it began . " I hope you 're not ignoring me . I thought you were a classier guy than that . " He had given me two different phone numbers , so I asked if I was texting the wrong number . Finally , he responds explaining he was busy and apologized . He told me he was interested in seeing me again as well . However , after that , I didn 't hear from him again . I know when I 'm not particularly interested in a guy , I don 't outright tell him that . However , I don 't talk to him about future dates to lead him on . It was very disappointing , but I wasn 't going to let one guy get me down . My Grindr diet was slowly working . I was back to concentrating on dates and not sex . Hopefully , with enough time , I 'd find a good guy to settle down with - Someone to be the reason I delete Grindr forever … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 10 , 2012 Today is another Fast Forward Friday ! ! ! Hope you are enjoying these . It will help bring the blog a little closer to real time . If you 're keeping up with the stories chronologically , please skip down to this morning 's post first , then read this one . I think it 's a good one ! Enjoy ! Silence . From Sunday afternoon through Tuesday evening - Crickets . Our last contact was Sunday afternoon when I asked him if we could spend the day together Monday . He told me he had to work , but that never stopped him from taking five minutes to pick up the phone and dial me or send me a text . He also told me he would call later Sunday night when I said goodbye to him after brunch , but as you know , that didn 't happen . When Tuesday passed by , and I didn 't hear from him , I decided to give him a call . After - all , I 'm the one who royally f * cked up , not him . Sure , he was distant throughout our relationship , but he never did anything quite as heartless as what I did . The phone rang and rang and rang - No answer . I didn 't want to leave a voicemail because I wanted to say what I had to say live . I wanted to hear his reaction . I decided to wait . After an hour , I decided to send him a text message : " How was the first day in the office ? " You can see how patient a person I really am . Five minutes later , I received a response : " Lot happened today … " The text continued on to completely cover my entire phone screen and then some . Instead of picking up the phone and telling me all this , he sent a massive book of a text . I could tell he was very excited as things were really taking off for him , but all I could think about was how hurt I was . He completely dropped me like a bad habit . His career was really beginning to take off , and he had no use for me anymore . I had been there to support him through the rough stages , and when he began to have success , he forgot all about me . At this point , I didn 't give a sh * t about his new job . I barely even feigned interest . My responses were , " Gotcha , " " Sounds awesome ! " and " Congrats . " I wanted to be happy for him , but I couldn 't . He treated me like trash . He made sure to add things like , " Say that again at the end of March when I have free time again . " This was his way of not just nudging me away but giving me a big ol ' shove . I didn 't feel the least bit of guilt for " shopping " on a4a and Grindr the nights prior . Just when I didn 't think the knife could cut any deeper , he said , " Ok . 9pm . Bedtime ! Hope your first day back was more exciting than your last week there . Night ! " I simply replied , " Night . " If he was getting ready for bed , why didn 't he pick up the phone and call . I assumed he was at dinner or something . I was trying to justify him writing out a massive text versus calling me . That 's when I realized how much of a coward he was . He was just going to put down the gun and slowly back away instead of just ripping the band - aid off . It was clear he wasn 't interested in pursuing a relationship with me any further . He should have been a man and said do . I thought I was done with all the petty childish games when I started dating a thirty - six year - old , but I was sorely mistaken . I was going to have to be the man in this relationship , or lack thereof . That night was neither the time nor the place . I was going to do this in person . He wasn 't going to get the satisfaction of an easy fizzle . If we weren 't moving forward anymore , we weren 't going to be moving at all . I was going to end things . The time had come . No more second chances . No more opportunities to drag me along . For me , it was over . Before he pulled this stunt , I was okay with the relationship coming to a close . I had already resolved myself to the fact it wasn 't what I was looking for , and it didn 't satisfy my needs . The only thing I lacked was closure . Now , I was mad as hell . After spending three months with him and dedicating a lot of myself to him , this was how he was going to treat me . Instead of looking back on our time together with fondness , I now began to look back with bitterness and doubt . I wondered if he ever really cared about me . I wondered if I was the only one in his life . Sure , we spent a lot of time together , but we also spent a lot of time apart . It 's not physically possible for him to be carrying on a relationship outside ours , but it doesn 't rule out any extra curricular activities . I decided that night , Smiles was going to hear it . Everything I kept inside while we dated was going to finally come out . I just needed to pick the time and the place … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 8 , 2012 New Year 's Day , Smiles woke me in the morning . I was in a complete fog . I immediately began wracking my brain to remember how the night ended . I knew we had sex , and once again , I could only remember a tiny flash of the intimate moment we shared the night before but no more than a flash . I could remember being p * ssed at Smiles on the walk home for walking five paces in front of me . And , I could remember smoking on the balcony . Smiles was up and about walking around the apartment . I searched the room for my briefs , but couldn 't locate them . He came in the room and retrieved them for me from deep within the sheets . I had a massive headache , so he gave me some pain killers and water . It was sweet of him to take care of me in my still inebriated / hungover state . I asked Smiles about leaving the party , and he recounted the details for me . It was clear he wasn 't thrilled about it , but he also wasn 't holding it against me . The he uttered , " And I haven 't even gotten to the fun part yet ! " he added . He was going to leave it at that . I told him he couldn 't do that to me . He had to tell me what else I did . He asked if I really wanted to know , and I insisted . This is the " fun " part : Apparently , the advances made by the guy on the balcony didn 't end there . Clearly he was persistent , and clearly I was vulnerable and well intoxicated . Smiles recounted a scene for me that drained all the blood from my face . " [ The guy who sang my praises to Smiles ] came up to me and asked me if you were okay . When I told him you were fine , he replied , ' Are you sure ? Because he 's making out with someone else on the couch . " I nearly passed out . I couldn 't believe it . Was I really capable of that ? Could I really do that to another person after witnessing N do that to me ? Was I that heartless ? I racked my brain trying to remember any bit of a make - out session on the couch . A vague image came to mind of this man kissing all over my neck . I remember asking him to stop , but also couldn 't remember putting up a strong fight . I 'm not sure if my mind was making this up or if it was reality . Either way , my actions were deplorable . I froze . I didn 't know what to do . I didn 't know what to say . I couldn 't believe he was still speaking to me . I couldn 't believe he still had sex with me that night after that . I was mortified . What was going on ? My head was spinning ! " [ Smiles ] , I don 't know how to apologize for that . I can 't believe I did that ! I can 't believe your still speaking to me right now . I can 't believe you didn 't leave me there . I don 't have words for how sorry I am . I don 't remember any of that . At all ! " I plead . Don 't worry about it ! ? I made out with another guy in front of you , and you tell me don 't worry about it ? ! Should I be happy you 're not that upset about it , or should I be even more hurt that you 're not phased by it . " I still don 't know what to say . I can 't believe I did that , " I added . He just looked back at me with a face that said , " Yeah . You did that . " I wanted to slither away into darkness and forget the world . We continued to get ready for brunch and walked out the door . As we walked , all I could think about was how disrespectful I was to the man I 'd grown so fondly of . Sure we had our moments where I questioned our relationship , but what I did was unforgivable . I would not have been able to forgive myself for what I did . When N did it to me , it signaled the end of our relationship . I did this in front of his friends - Many of which I told I was dating Smiles . I made myself look like a complete whore , and I made Smiles look like a fool . The man who was singing my praises was the man who witnessed my greatest downfall . This was one of the worst things I 've ever done in my life , and there was no making up for it and no undoing it . I continued to tell Smiles how bad I felt about the whole thing . He was trying to make conversation and ignore the subject , but it was all my mind could fixate on . " It 's fine . Stop worrying about it , " he kept saying . We ate breakfast and talked about a few things I can 't recall because my mind was completely elsewhere . I was crushed . I almost had to leave the restaurant , Extra Virgin - His favorite restaurant , so I could go outside and cry . It was a gorgeous day , and Smiles told me he wanted to go for a bike ride . He asked what I had planned for the day . I couldn 't think . I had no plans . I was hoping to spend the day with Smiles , but clearly that wasn 't an option . I decided I was going to try to meet Boston before he left the city , even if it was at the bus stop . I had to tell him what I did . I knew he wouldn 't look favorably on me , but I also knew he wouldn 't judge me . I left Smiles with a kiss as he walked south , and I turned and walked north . I decided to walk off my disgrace . As I pounded the pavement from 11th street to 43rd , I tried reaching Boston . He wasn 't answering the nearly twenty - five calls I made to him . I needed him . I needed someone to talk to . I decided to hit up my roommate and see what she was doing . Maybe we could curl up on the couch and watch a movie to help make the day pass by . I talked to her for a bit , but she had plans . I couldn 't bring myself to tell here what I did . I was too ashamed . I would tell her later . I decided to call Smiles during my walk . I wanted to make sure he knew how broken up I was about it if we were to survive this . I reiterated how bad I felt and how wrong I was as I tried to choke back tears and a vocal quiver . " Listen . It 's okay . It 's in the past . It was New Year 's Eve . You were drunk . That was 2011 . This is 2012 . Don 't worry about it . It 's alright , " he assured me . I think he realized how upset this made me , and that was all I could do . My fate was in his hands … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on January 23 , 2012 Rules are meant to be broken . Apparently , in my mind this is true . I said I wasn 't going to reach out to Smiles after our awkward night and breakfast the following morning , but that didn 't last long . Wednesday afternoon , I got an email including two free tickets to a screening of a movie in the city . It was Friday afternoon at 12 : 30 . I had absolutely nothing going on at work as we were leading into the holidays . I shot Smiles a text Thursday afternoon asking him if he wanted to come with me after I left him . He told me he wouldn 't be able to join me because he had to be on site for a project he was working on . I didn 't get my hopes up , so I wasn 't all that disappointed . I knew I wouldn 't be seeing much of him that weekend , so it was an effort to mend that but a failed attempt at that . In the middle of the day , he called to see how my day was going . I was a pleasant surprise . He 'd done this in the past , but it was out of the blue . He told me about his project moving forward and the progress he was making . I told him how useless my day was turning out to be . Maybe he did care about me . Maybe he just wasn 't good and showing emotions or talking about them . I still had some figuring out to do . I finished my workday early . When I got home , I called my other friends who were attending the birthday party that night . I coordinated with them , and made my way to my D 's apartment . During the taxi ride with D and his girlfriend , she asked me when she was going to get to meet Smiles . She missed him at the holiday party . I couldn 't think of a scenario in which she was going to meet him . I realized he never really hung out with me and my friends in general . I never really hung out with his . I was repeating my relationship with Broadway all over again . The only difference was , Smiles had a better schedule than Broadway . In the back of my head , I knew things between us weren 't perfect . I told her I had no idea when she 'd meet him . I then explained to her why he was absent from my side . I had fun at the party . I was running into a lot of people I hadn 't seen in a long time - Some even years . I sat and talked with one of my old college teammates , and he asked him the dating life was going for me . I told him all about Smiles , and he was very happy for me . In the back of my mind , all I could think about was , " Am I truly happy with how things are shaping up ? " Out of nowhere , Smiles called . He was between parties in a cab . I guess he had time to kill so he thought he 'd call me . I stepped away from the party and walked out onto the promenade overlooking the city . I appreciated the call . It was nice to have him call out of nowhere twice in one day . It showed he really was thinking about me . I was a little bitter though . He was telling me about all these parties in detail , and all I was hearing was stories of parties I wasn 't invited to . I kept the conversation on the shorter side of things . It was cold outside , and I wanted to get back to my friends . If I wasn 't good enough to be by his side , he wasn 't good enough to steal me away from the party . We said goodbye for the night since I knew that 'd be the last time hearing from him for the night . On the way home that night , I discussed brunch with D and his girlfriend . They expressed their desire to do it in the city . I agreed and mentioned maybe inviting Smiles to join us . I knew he had things going on , but maybe he 'd be able to meet us for a little while . I texted him at 3 : 00am to see if he would be onboard for brunch . I told him I didn 't have all the details , but I would get them to him in the morning . He told me he would try to make it . He was making an effort . I was expecting to be immediately brushed off for other plans , but it was nice to see him entertaining the idea at the very least . Maybe things were improving . In the morning , D and his girlfriend were too tired to head into the city . I told Smiles brunch was off . He told me he wouldn 't have been able to make it anyway . He had to work . We texted a little bit the rest of the morning . That morning , there was a fire on my block that day that engulfed an entire building . I sent Smiles picture messages , and he expressed concern for my well - being . That night , we spoke on the phone . We talked about our day , and he told me about the party he attended . Again , I was a little bitter considering I wasn 't invited . I asked him if he was available for dinner Monday night since I wasn 't getting to see him at all over the weekend . He told me he 'd have to get back to me . As the conversation was coming to a close , I asked him if we were going to exchange Christmas presents . I 'd actually been thinking about it since Thursday , but hadn 't remembered to ask him . I was a little afraid too . I didn 't know how to pose it . This is so unlike me . I should have just said what I wanted to say . I didn 't have the chance to ask him where we stood yet , so I didn 't feel comfortable asking him about exchanging Christmas presents . The day before this conversation , I bought him two cashmere hats he 'd expressed interest in . I bought them from one of my favorite online stores , Bonobos ( They have really amazing stuff by the way . I highly recommend them , especially for proper fitting pants ! ) . It would work out well because they offer free shipping both ways , so if we weren 't doing presents , I could return them . So , I said to him , " Do you want to do Christmas presents ? " He paused a second and responded , " Let 's not over - think things . I don 't think we 're there yet . " Not there yet ? Okay . Then where are we ? How do you feel about me . We 'd been together three months at this point . I didn 't see why we couldn 't exchange some nice Christmas presents . I wasn 't buying him a Rolex . |
We left Texas on Saturday with the temperature reading 85 degrees . We arrived in Colorado with the temperature reading 24 degrees . We were excited that Avery ( and us ) would have a white Christmas . Yesterday the forecast was for six to eight inches of snow . It did snow a little , but didn 't stick or stay around . Today we woke up to snow piled against the window . Kenny 's dad bought tickets to go see a movie , so we decided to bundle up and head out into the elements . When I stepped out the front door , I fell into snow . . . guess where it came . . . up to my knees ! It was exciting , but cold . Of course I didn 't bring the proper shoes , so everything was soaked , and my feet were frigid . We piled into Thomas ' ( Kenny 's oldest brother ) truck and headed to the theater . Little did we know , as we were leaving , a blizzard advisory went into effect . When we arrived at the mall , every store was closed , along with the theater . So , we trudged back to the truck and back home . We did get here safely , and now we 're snug and warm in the house . The wind and snow are still swirling outside , so we 'll see what tomorrow brings . ( I 'll post pictures as soon as I get them off of the camara . ) Avery has been around sports for the duration of her life thus far . From still being in my belly while I ran volleyball tryouts , to sitting in her carseat during practices , to jumping alongside the girls while they blocked at the net . Then on gamedays for me , she enjoyed sharing practice time with Daddy , sometimes getting in a better 3 - point stance than some of the football guys . Of course Kenny and I hope to pass on our love of sports to Avery . We aren 't going to force it on her , but it is fun to see that she already enjoys being ' athletic . ' We 're proud of the way she can already jump with both feet off the ground , her running skills , and of course her climbing abilities . It is hard to come by girl sports things , so when we find it , we buy it no matter what the cost ( within reason ) . First it was a treasure find when we came upon girls playing sports for her crib material , then the pink basketball ( which she has learned to ' shoot ' ) , then last night Kenny and I found a pink baseball and glove ! So , we wrapped it up and let her open it that night to start her Christmas fun . We thought it would be more fun for her to enjoy one toy at a time instead of being bombarded with a million all at once . After opening her new sports equipment last night , she tried to catch the ball , but she never had a good grip on the glove , and it would go flying as soon as the ball landed in it . This morning , however , she picked up the glove , put it on , and threw the ball into it . To my surprise , the glove did not go flying across the room . I picked up the ball and tossed it to her , and she caught it ! We continued that game for a while , then she decided to move on to something else . . . with her glove still on her hand . She didn 't take it off until lunchtime . Glad she 's happy with her present . . . . and glad she picks up on things so quickly . . . . athletic scholarship , here we come ! : ) I am one of those people who feel like characters in my favorite tv shows are my friends . You share in the ups and downs that they go through , and even though the situations are scripted , they tend to hit close to home sometimes . Of course this actor was great in Everybody Loves Raymond , but my favorite role he played was in While You Were Sleeping alongside Sandra Bullock and other great actors . That 's one of my favorite movies , and he was perfectly cast for it . Unfortunately , the comedic world has suffered a loss with the death of Peter Boyle . See full story here . And since he was my ' friend ' I feel I 've suffered a loss as well . Okay , so I made the switch to Beta . I guess I 'll have to figure out all the bells and whistles when I have more time . Peer Pressure . . . I have been awake since 3 : 00 . Yes ; a . m . I don 't know if it was from the excitement of seeing Santa and Mrs . Clause last night at the church Christmas party , but Avery had a very hard time going to sleep last night . Once she did finally fall asleep , she woke up every hour until 3 : 00 for reasons I will never know , and decided it was appropriate for momma and her to have a slumber party . . . without the slumber . She was not fussy ( unless I tried to put her to bed ) ; she was not feverish ; not hurting ( as far as I could tell ) ; she just wanted to stay up and spend some quality time with me I suppose . Good thing I taped The Polar Express the night before . It was both of our first time 's to watch it , and I would say we were both pleased . I tried about every 40 minutes to put her back to bed ; to no avail . 7 o ' clock rolled around . Kenny got up , got ready for work , then left . Avery was still awake and going strong . I decided breakfast was in order , so we chowed on waffles and scrambled eggs . 8 o ' clock : Avery is still awake . ( And might I add , that means so am I . ) 9 o ' clock : It happens . Avery twirls her hair behind her ear = the ultimate sign that she 's sleepy . I take her to her room for the umpteenth time , give her a pacifier and her blanket . She is clearly tired , but as I bend to lay her in her bed , she stiffens and screams . Luckily , once her back touches the mattress , she stops the screeching . I tiptoe out of the room , only to hear all four pacifiers being thrown overboard . I decide to take my chances and see how she does without them . Amazingly enough , she fell asleep . And slept , and slept and slept . Then I am faced with the dilemma . I am not at all tired . Not one droopy eye . Unimaginable . I even lay down thinking I would magically fall asleep . Nope . I don 't know if it 's adrenaline or what , but I 've decided that I get more accomplished while sleep deprived than on a normal day . Our bedroom is now clean . ( If you 've seen our bedroom , which I have made sure no one has , you would know that 's an accomplishment in itself . ) This included finPosted by Life around the Simpson home has been weird for the past week . Between Avery and me not being well , I feel sorry that Kenny has to come home to us each day feeling yucky . I finally thought we were on the downhill of things until late last night when Avery started throwing up . Tons of scenarios run through your head : " Is it left over from her fever bug ? " " She hit her head this morning on the coffee table ; is this a side effect ? " " Have I passed the flu back to her ? " And to top it off , " When did that rash appear ? " Sometimes I wish I had gone to nursing school just so I wouldn 't have to call the doctor for every single thing that happens to her . Common sense and motherly instincts can only take you so far . To say the least , this morning has had its ups and downs . The only way I can function without hurting , feeling nausiated , or having a splitting headache of a lifetime , is with a miracle medicine that Kenny found at the store . Side effect : extreme drowsiness . So , I have been fighting a nap while Avery has been fighting . . . whatever it is she 's fighting right now . One second she 's happy , thus making me happy and think she 's better . Then , I turn around and she 's crying in her tunnel for a reason I still have yet to find . Between the giggles ( which are few and far between ) and the cries , of course she still has time to throw her sippee cup in the trash , pull a deflated balloon out of the trash , and last but not least . . . undecorate the Christmas tree . Our house is not safe anymore . The first time I left the room this morning , I came back to find three glass ornament balls in Avery 's baby 's crib , two glass balls in her Barbie Jeep , one in her hand , and various sports ornaments sprawled on the floor . She was so proud of herself . She walked up to me with a football ornament ( yes , we Simpsons have many sports ornaments on our tree . . . imagine that . ) " Fuball ! " She points and says . Next , " vuyball ! " Yes , that 's right . Here 's the kicker with the glass ornaments . Luckily none are broken ( meaning : she was not cut to smitherines ) , but alPosted by Avery has not been feeling well lately . She 's had a cold and all the yuckiness that goes along with that , but after some great decongestant medicine the doctor gave her , she 's been better . Yesterday she started running a fever , but it would slowly drop after taking medicine . I could tell she didn 't feel well all day . She didn 't cry a lot or even whine , but she layed around on her blanket and wanted to be held a lot . Her fever subsided and she was ready for bed last night at 7 : 15 . I layed her down and she slept soundly until 10 : 30 . After calming her down and taking her temperature , it was back up to 103 . As I headed to the kitchen to get her some more medicine , I remembered Kenny saying he gave her the last dose that evening . ( So , thank you Kenny for getting out of bed to make a Wal - Mart run at 11 : 00 at night . I know I downed Wal - mart in a previous post , but it is nice to have a place open 24 hours a day . ) Anyway , her fever started to go back down , and after watching some of Disney 's Sing A Long , Avery was ready for bed again . I checked on her throughout the night , and her fever continued to return to normal . At 4 : 00 it was completely gone . I got a good night 's rest from 4 - 7 because I thought she was better . Then at 7 : 00 , I peeked in on her to see how she was doing . She was just laying there in her bed with her eyes open , not moaning , talking or crying . Her fever was back to 103 . After some medicine , she went back to bed at 8 : 30 a . m . It 's now 10 : 00 , and she 's still asleep . I started this story to brag on how sweet our little girl is . Last night , in the middle of the night , I gave her some juice . I could tell it took all of her might , but when she handed it back to me she said , " tank too . " ( Thank You . ) She did it again this morning . Nothing sweeter than that . . . Well , maybe this . . . I take her temperature with an electric ear thermometer . Each time I took her temperature last night or today , she would take the thermometer and put it in her ear . When she was satisfied with her ' reading , ' she would put it in her other ear . Posted by I 'm not sure if I 've shared the story of the first time Kenny and I gave money to Avery for her to put it in the collection plate at church . Here 's a quick re - cap for those who haven 't heard . Avery was about 9 months old at the time , and we gave her two pennies to put in the plate that morning . During the service leading up to time to put the money in , she held on to her ' treasure ' so tightly that her fingers turned white . Our worry was that she would not put the money in once the plate passed by . Our worries subsized when the plate came by . She looked at the plate , then looked at her money . It was then that she threw the pennies over her shoulders and grabbed all of the money already in the plate . Fast forward ; Avery is now 18 months old . I don 't know why we 've waited so long to try to teach her again about giving , but we decided to give it another whirl . In our church building , there are giant pictures hanging in the space between the balcony and lower levels . One of them contains a representation of Jesus , and Avery is fully aware of where " Jesus " is at all times . This morning before time for the collection plate to be passed around , we gave her some change . She was very careful with the quarter and nickel . Kenny explained to her that we were going to give the money to Jesus . It was then that she looked up , found the picture of Jesus , and held out her coins to give to Him . It was wonderful to see this time she was willing . I knew going into it that my grocery store of choice was going to be lacking as usual . Little did I know how lacking . I normally go to Wal - Mart simply because of convenience . Usually , they have everything you need all in one - stop shopping . . . not the one on Atlanta Highway . They normally are not well stocked , but I 've learned to deal with it although it is very annoying . Today Avery and I took the trek to get our shopping completed for all the Thanksgiving goodies we intend to prepare for our much anticipated company that will arrive next week ! ( My mom and dad , along with our good friends from Huntsville , Jon and Stacy with their two kiddos , Lawson and Jordan . ) When we arrived , all was normal . Then we got to the back of the store and noticed a bizarre phenomenon . There was no food in the cold sections . I say none , but there were a few items . Milk , assorted bisquits , some butter , orange juice . But get this ; where there actually was food , it was only the name brand , and there were only two or three items on the shelf . Same situation was going on in the freezer sections . The only thing that was pretty well stocked was turkeys . I guess they knew there would be an uprising if there were none to be found the week before Turkey Day . Of course these were not ideal conditions in which to shop for a Thanksgiving meal ; however , Avery and trudged on . I must admit that I was perturbed and silently vowed to never shop there again . The last straw is the last straw , right ? Then I heard it . A woman saying to the stockers what we all were thinking . " You all are sure understocked , huh ? ( polite laugh ) " " Yes , " answered the man . " Our electricity was out too long so we had to throw out all the food and start fresh . " Well , at least what I was able to grab before the two people behind me finished everything off , was fresh . Then I felt bad . . . for a second . The more I think about it , I realize they did whatever was needed to fix the problem . But my question is this . Don 't grocery stores know that something like electricity going out could be a problemPosted by Every morning after breakfast , Avery and I enjoy a Bible lesson together . We start by singing songs and asking simple questions , then we move on to the ' lesson . ' We 've been working on the days of Creation , and so far she can tell you what was made on days 1 - 3 without prompting of the actual word : " Lye , Sdy , And " ( light , sky , land ) . She can repeat everything from days 4 - 7 , but one of these days I just know she 's going to surprise me and know it all . The other day we sang " The B - I - B - L - E , " and she yelled , " BIBLE ! " before we even finished spelling . I 'm just repeating myself when I say how it amazes me how much she can soak up . I also got to watch her in Bible class last Wednesday night ( because I couldn 't quit coughing in ours ) . It was a joy to see her know all of the hand motions to songs and questions . But I digress . . . On to the fun that started me writing . . . One of her favorite songs when she was an infant was " Pat The Bible , " ( " Pat the Bible 1 , 2 , 3 . God loves Avery and God loves me " ) , and I 'm happy to say that it continues to top her list of favorites . My heart jumps everytime I see her cute , chubby hand patting her little pink Bible . This morning , I handed Avery her Bible while I put her milk back into the refridgerator . Upon my return I heard her sweet voice , singing . ( Her singing is a higher pitch than her talking voice . . so sweet ! ) As I listened closer I heard , " Pad da Bibul , la da da . . Dod wuvs Avee . . da la la . " All done while patting her pink Bible . I held in my squeals of delight until she finished , but no longer . When she looked up , she had a happy little twinkle in her eye . And that 's just what she is to me . . a twinkle in my eye . Kenny 's brother , Thomas , got to come visit us this past weekend while he looked at Faulkner for school next year . It was such a treat having him around since we don 't get to be around family often . Of course Kenny and I enjoyed him , but I 'm pretty sure Avery took up most of his time . She would not leave him alone , wanting kisses and hugs from her Uncle Tom . Posted by Yesterday at school there was a Fall Festival , complete with a pony ride ! Avery was very excited to see the horses that were not so mini to her . After buying tickets and wading through the line , the wait was over , and it was time to ride ! Kenny picked the smallest pony for Avery , and she was adorable perched on top . Even though she is a brave sole , she wanted her Daddy close by . We were glad that they let the kids ride for a while because she really enjoyed the ' trail ride ' going around and around and around . Just like most good things , it had to come to an end , and when it did , Avery was not a happy camper ! It was a good thing we already looked at everything else because with the ponys in sight , there was no other option but to leave for dinner . In other news , I 'm sure those who read Kenny 's blog have kept up with the latest flag football news . Before " ladies night , " Avery decided that she needed to join in the fun . She was Daddy 's little Eagle . Avery and I traveled with the varsity volleyball team to the state tournament , held in Pelham , on Tuesday night . It was a fun time ( until they lost ) , but Avery was a trooper as usual . Since Tuesday was Halloween night , I was a little disappointed that Avery would not get to go trick or treating for her first ' real ' time . Luckily Coach Ainsworth had us covered , and told all of the girls to come prepared . So , Avery donned her clown costume ( that my mom made for my brother , then I wore it as well ) and proceeded to each girls ' hotel room . On the way out of our room , she ran into another team , just arriving . They all thought she was so cute that they started digging through their bags , looking for goodies to drop in the jack - o - lantern ! Avery practiced her good manners , and in a sweet voice said , " tan - too " ( thank you ) . Once off the elevator , which she loved , and is finally tall enough to reach the button , she took off down the hall . After we showed her which door to knock on first , she balled up her little hand and knocked . " Teet ! " was all I could get her to say , but she probably didn 't even have to say that . " Oo 's " and " Awe 's " and " How Cute ! " followed , and more candy was dumped into the jack - o - lantern . Unfortunately , there were only four doors to knock on , and she accidentally knocked on a stranger 's door . They weren 't in . . good . Then , we returned down the elevator to our room . She knocked on our door when we got there , and once inside , turned around and knocked again . It was late ; it had been a long day , but how could I let her go to bed without a small taste of her gold . So she enjoyed some smarties before heading off to Slumberland . So yesterday was the Fall Festival at church . I was excited to dress Avery up again in her halloween costume and take pictures of her on the rides . It was a great festival ; we were very impressed with the selection of rides , games and slides . The slide is another story completely , but it involves Kenny climbing to the top of a blow - up slide with Avery ( where I thought he would slide down WITH her ) , but instead drops our 17 month old daugher down the giant , steep slope all by herself . I was waiting patiently at the bottom , poised and ready to take a picture . All I saw was a bundle candy corn with arms and legs flailing . The only thing that came out in the picture was a tiny hand reaching up ( after she hit the bottom ) . Of course she had a great time and wanted to do it again . But the mom in me kept thinking of all the what ifs . But I digress . . Avery was not the only one to enjoy her time at the Fall Festival . For those of you who know me , or at least read this blog should know by now that I am competitive by nature . There we stood in line ( the first time for the slide ) with our friends Jeff and Brandie ; we looked over and noticed a station where you threw baseballs , complete with a radar . My husband looks to Brandie 's husband and says , " who do you think can throw faster ; Brandie or Jamey ? " You 'd think I 'd learned my lesson after the race episode with Brooklyn , but I 'm always up for a challenge so Brandie and I head over to wait in line for the baseball throw . We got a little intimidated by the kids in front of us , and of course neither of us wanted to go first so rock , paper , scissors handled the decision . I got to go last . . . off to a good start with a win already . So , Brandie throws , then I throw . She beats me by one mile per hour . Yuck . I don 't like to lose . As the night continues , more of our friends start to show up . Of course our husbands share the story , so they want in on the action . ( Can I pause for a moment to express how happy I am that I 'm finding friends who share the same competive drive that I do ? ! ) So we aPosted by So if you can 't tell , I 'm obsessed with comparisons . Maybe it 's just because this is the second time around for most everything that Avery has experienced up to this point . I think it 's fun , and I hope you do too . Last year , my friend Stacy and I decided to make matching costumes for our kiddos . So Avery and her buddy , Lawson , were crayons . A pink and a blue one to be exact , and they were super cute ! This year , my friend Allena and I decided to make matching costumes for the kiddos . So , Avery and her buddy , Griffin , were pieces of candy corn ! They were cute enough to eat ! Just now I was talking on the phone and wanted to tell Avery 's ' Trick or Teet ' story . I knew it wasn 't time to give Curtis another treat ( he 's already had two this morning ! ) , so I was careful not to say the word " treat . " Unfortunately , Avery is crazy smart about drawing parallels , and when I said , " trick or ____ , " she ran to the laundry room yelling , " Teet ! " So , lucky Curtis . He got another treat . Everyday I 'm amazed at what Avery learns , either from me , an outside source ( other person or tv ) , or even on her own . Yesterday we cleaned out some closets and found her jack - o - lantern to take trick or treating . I thought it was probably time to start teaching her how to say " trick or treat . " I started asking her if she could say it , and before I could even ask a second time , she was running around the house saying , " teet ! teet ! " Her word for treat . ( It is also her word for tweet : what the bird says . ) As she ran from one corner of the house to the other , yelling " teet ! " , I could tell she was very concerned . Finally she ran to the laundry room door and pointed at something , looked at me and said , " teet " once again . While I looked where she was pointing , she ran to the back door and pointed out to where Curtis ( the dog ) was basking in the sun and yelled , " daw ! " ( Dog ) . It was then I noticed she had first pointed at Curtis ' treats . You see , Avery is in charge of giving Curtis his treats . Apparently I did not put two and two together about trick or treat and ( dog ) treats , but she did . She 's brilliant . And she did not rest until I let Curtis in and she was allowed to give him his treat . I am confident enough to know that the most recent Avery Antic does not make me a bad mother . It does , however , reinforce how quickly things ( good or bad ) can happen ! This morning Avery decided she wanted to draw . I have found it is easiest to leave out the paper and pencils so she can come and go as she pleases . Since she was preoccupied , I decided to take the opportunity to check my email . To draw an image for those who have not been in our home , you can see the dining room table ( Avery 's easel ) from the computer chair . So , as we sat and chatted , Avery drawing , and me on the computer , we had a good ole ' time . I would look up everytime she laughed or hollared , but for the most part , we minded our own business . Then it happened . It got quiet . And as you all know , it 's a little scary when that happens . Not knowing what to expect , I looked up and found nothing that I anticipated . . . . There sat my sweet girl in the middle of the table ! I assume that she was trying to get to a pencil that rolled away . That , or the view is better up there . Now that volleyball season is over we don 't have to wake Avery up in the mornings , and she gets to sleep as long as she wants to . I love hearing her wake up and start talking to herself and her toys . Sometimes when I go in to get Avery up in the mornings or from her nap , I find myself laughing and running to find the camera . When she was a teeny baby , she would stay swaddled most of the time , but slowly grew out of that stage . I remember the first day she ' busted loose ' and had free hands . What a milestone . As she got older , I remember hearing giggles , and walking in to find a smiling baby . When she started to sit up on her own , it was fun to find her sitting in the corner playing with her toys . Then when she started standing up on her own , it was extra fun ( and a little nerve racking ) to hear her jumping in her crib . One day a few months ago she went down for her nap wearing a romper that she really had outgrown , but I wanted her to get to wear it one more time before retiring it . To my surprise , when she woke up from her nap , the bottom buttons as well as the top buttons had popped loose , leaving Avery with a ' belt ' of a romper . The same thing happened soon after that episode with a pair of pajama bottoms that were too big . Apparently during the wallering around at night they came off , and she woke up without her pants on . Then there are the sad times when I have to wake her up because we have to go somewhere . It 's hard to wake anyone who sleeping , but it 's really hard to wake a baby who is calm and peaceful . Of course there are times I find her hanging out of the crib , or all tangled up , but sound asleep . She 's such a joy . Today I decided it was time to rotate Avery 's toys . Some have been packed away for a while , and the ones that are out now seem to have multiplied ! After I got started , I soon realized that I only needed to take the ones off the top of her ' recent ' baskets . Apparently Avery tends to not dig to the bottom for a choice . So , at the bottom of the ' recent ' baskets , she has discovered a whole other batch of toys . Because of this , I only had to pull out a few packed away items for it to seem like she had new toys . Two of these items are her flowers . They are giant flowers , and she 's always loved them . And since they 've been gone , she 's learned to smell real flowers . Of course her ' smelling ' is more of a blowing in and out of her nose , which turns into snotting onto her flower of choice . But since her giant flowers have been unveiled again , she has smelled them non - stop . Best of all , my Avery is not selfish , so not only is she enjoying it all , she 's letting me smell them too . . . and Curtis ( the dog ) , over and over and over . . . . . This weekend , some of our friends mentioned that it would be fun to go to the Fair since it was in town . When we heard what the admission was , we were both shocked because we both imagined the last Fair we attended in Searcy , Arkansas . Then we heard at this Fair there is a Shark Show , a Sea Lion Show , a Gator Show and a Circus . We were hooked ! We thought that was a great idea , so we set the date for Tuesday since Kenny would be out of school ( we could spend more time during the day ) , and it was ' ladies night ' ( cheaper admission ) . We hoped there would be also be the typical animals so Avery could enjoy petting them . Unfortunately , the only livestock we found were cows . The cows were lined up in rows , and Avery actually didn 't recognize them from behind , so when we got to the smallest one on the end , she pointed and asked , " dog ? " We told her they were cows , and got all of the " moos " out of the way . In another large barn labeled Farmer 's Row ( or something ) there were several booths , one of which was a farming booth , complete with a large sandbox and several carrots poking out of the sand . Avery was unsure of what to do when the farmer asked if she wanted to pick some crops , but after the first carrot was pulled and dropped into the basket , she decided to go ahead and pick the rest of them as well . " Der , " ( there ) she said as she handed the basket back to the farmer . We also walked through the exhibit hall , and I was pleased to receive my ' ladies night ' ticket for the drawing later on . The best part was that the man passing them out wasn 't going to give me one because , " you have to be 19 . " I laughed out loud , and he looked at me funny . I said , " well , thank you , but I 'm 27 and I have a little girl just right around the corner over there . " Very flattering . Hope that helps me out in the future as well . On to the shows we went . We were in the back of the shark show , so Avery wasn 't impressed , but luckily the Sea Lions , who were right next door , kept lunging up on the side of their pool and ' honking ' at us . Avery thought that Posted by We went to the park today as a family . The sun was not out , but that is probably what kept it nice and cool during the middle of the day . It was hard getting her to eat the lunch we packed because she was very ready to ' pay ' ( play in Avery language ) . Once she finally escaped the picnic table , she enjoyed exploring the fun , new playground equipment that Kenny and I both wished had been around when we were kids . She started on the bouncy space rocket ' thing ' ( for lack of a better word ) then traveled to the swing , then to the musical section ( the chime stick doubled as a telephone for a little while ) . After she conducted her symphony , we moved to the contraption that looked like a giant screw with a tiny seat in the middle . I have to admit we had to watch another child demonstrate before we figured out how it worked . You had to ' wind ' the seat to the top , then climb the ladder , sit on the seat , and spin your way to the bottom . Sounds like fun , but it was a little advanced for Avery . I wanted to give it a try , but didn 't want to hurt myself . On to the tire swing we toddled , then the slides , teeter - totters , and more swings . Of course there were many bumps , falls , and more interesting stops along the way . Avery took time to stop and enjoy each gadget on every play station , but her favorite spot was the old fashioned swing . Can 't beat the swings . On the way home I started to think about the last time we went to the park as a family , and realized it had been a while . After a quick snack for Avery and putting she ( and Kenny after 5 : 30 a . m . football practice ) down for a nap , I unloaded the pictures from the park onto the computer . I thought it would be fun to compare today 's shots to last time 's . So , I sifted through the folders , back one month , then two , three , four , five , six months ! It 's been six months since we 've been to the park as a family ! Too long ! Fun thing is that there were some similar shots from each park visit . She told me earlier that she 's so happy that her hair finally came in . Now we 're just waiting on the Jamey How many people do you know who can color with both hands . . . at the same time ! Kenny surprised us and came home for lunch earlier this week . We had already eaten , so while he ate , Avery colored . She has always liked to scribble , but for the past few days , she 's been drawing non stop . Yesterday she worked all day on a masterpiece . She started after breakfast , and would get down to go play and come back to work on her art a little more . She finally finished up in time to go to church . Yes , they look like scribbles , but as her mother , I can tell her progression from day to day . The lines get darker , and she changes colors more often , but never , ever , is she without a drawing utensil in each hand . She doesn 't just hold one ; they both contribute to the art which appears on the page . She also discovered stickers add to her work , but her preferred media of choice is colored pencils . Do you think we have a future coach on our hands ? Her daddy brought in their first win of the season Friday night ! Go Eagles ! Momma 's girls didn 't do so well at the tournament on Saturday . We won our first game , but unfortunately the way things fell , we got matched up with the two toughest teams next . We took both to three games , but couldn 't pull it out . Imagine that . We won another game last night , so we 're no longer in last place to start the CCC tournament this weekend . 3 - 8 is not my idea of a great season , but the girls have come a very long way . When you think about the games that we were ahead by a lot , then choked , it goes to show that the other teams are beatable . . we just have to focus on not beating ourselves . I think we 're going to surprise some people in the tournament . The other night before I picked Avery up from Bible class , I watched her through the window . They were playing with baby dolls ; feeding them , rocking them , hugging and kissing them , covering them up and putting them to bed . Avery was doing her best , but hadn 't really gotten the hang of it all yet . Yesterday she started noticing her baby dolls at home . When I say , " can you love your baby , or can you kiss your baby , " she does . . . but normally just carries them around by their hat or bows . Today she didn 't know I was watching her , and as she was walked around the living room talking to herself , she spotted her baby doll ; picked it up , rocked her and ' loved ' her ( which consists of a big squeeze and " ummmm " ) . Then she kissed her head . I loved it ! I didn 't tell her to do that ; she just knew ! I guess motherly instinct is coming out in her already . As I write this , she 's learned she can crawl under the baby gate we have up to restrict her access to the computer room . ( It 's up high so the dog can get to his food . ) Our computer room is also our laundry room and pantry . She 's discovered the canned goods and is walking around with a can of beans . I asked her to put the can back on the shelf and I watched her until she did . After I turned back to the computer , I heard , " Yeah ! " followed by { clap , clap , clap } . She 's proud of herself . Here she comes with another can . I can feel it ! Tonight is the night that Alabama Christian Academy Middle School volleyball team is going to take home a win ! Even though I 've felt that the past few times , here 's why I think it will be different tonight : This is the first game since the team ' gelled ' while the coach made a fool of herself . This is the first game since we had our team bowling outing last Sunday . This is the first time we 've had to wait an entire week to play , so the girls are ready for competition . This week in practice , the girls have been showing much improvement . This is the second time we 've met this team , and even though we lost to them , it 's a very beatable team ( even though it 's their JV ) . This is a home game . This is the first time since our first game that I 've felt this nervous . And , like I said , I can just ' feel ' it in my gut . As you all know , my volleyball team has been on a bit of a losing streak . One of the things I 've been trying to promote is team chemistry because the lack of it is such a factor in our losses . Another thing is that losing doesn 't seem to bother them . . . ( Preview : they saw what someone who doesn 't like to lose looks like after a loss . ) Sidebar : Last night we played 3 of 5 games instead of 2 of 3 , and we finally won 2 games . Unfortunately , it was not enough to pull out the match win , but it was a step in a more positive direction for us . End of sidebar : So , following last night 's game , practice this morning included some running . The girls were scheduled to run 11 windsprints . They ran 6 . The atmosphere had been a good one up to this point , so for some reason I told them they could pick who they thought was fastest and race me . If I won , they ran the rest ; if they won , they didn 't have to run anymore today . ( Apparently I 'm still pretty cocky about being a sprinter . ) So , four of them decided they had nothing to lose and wanted to race me . Everyone started chanting ; people from the hallway stuck their heads in to watch . . . it was a big deal . . . and it never crossed my mind that I would lose . We line up , and I pick to run beside the fastest girl , ( in reality I was only running against one instead of four , but the other three thought they would be in it ) . They say go , we start running . . . Brooklyn is a step ahead of me ; " what 's up ? " I think . We get to the end and turn to come back , " I have to turn before she does , " I thought As I turned , I tripped and FELL ! How EMBARASSING ! So , they ALL beat me . " Yuck ! " Those who know me , know I don 't like to lose . . . it wasn 't over . Yes , I was fair and they won the bet ; earning not having to run . But of course I had to prove to myself that I can win , so Brooklyn and I line up to just run down , not back . This is my second mistake . We start , and again , I 'm one step behind . The finish line is quickly approaching with Brooklyn still one step ahead . The only thing that I can think of to explain what hapPosted by This past week has been a trying week for Avery and me . I don 't know if it 's a combination of things , or if she 's just testing her boundaries . She 's gotten so independent , but along with that comes some frustration . Last week included lots of spankings , lots of crying , lots of whining , lots of hugging , and lots of rocking . Kenny decided during one of her ' fits ' after a spanking that he would take a picture . It really is a sad sight , and for the most part she is learning what she can and can not do . I 'm just glad she 's a fast learner because it 's sad giving her spanking after spanking when she continues to do the same thing over and over . Oh , and her most recent thing she has learned is the word , " no . " So , now when she knows she 's doing something she 's not supposed to be doing , she looks at us with the testing look , and says , " no , no ! " What 's the funniest story you 've heard about kids testing their boundaries ? Today is a happy day for me because it 's my birthday . My mom was always the best about making our birthdays special . She would start the week before , and build up the hype about what a special day it was going to be , and so on and so forth . It was great , so of course I went through withdrawals when I grew up and didn 't live at home anymore on my birthdays . I must say that my wonderful husband has taken the place of my mom ( in that aspect anyway ) . He 's always made special occasions happy for me . Most of the time , he tries to keep his plans a surprise for me so I 'm guessing up until the last minute what is going to take place . Also , as you know , my birthday falls during football season . . . well , those of you who know Kenny know that he takes his coaching job VERY seriously , so there 's little spare time during the season . But , somehow , he always finds a way to make me feel important on my birthday . The treat this year included showing up at the volleyball tournament where Avery and I spent our morning ( while he was in film with football guys ) with a dozen beautiful red roses . Everyone was jealous of me , and he received a big , " ahhh . . . " from the crowd , as well as the girls on the bench when he arrived . It 's always fun to get flowers , but it 's more fun to get flowers when everyone sees that you 're getting flowers ! : ) Is that vain ? It 's my way of bragging that I have a great hubby . ( And I think I 'm in for a treat tonight that involves some of our friends and Olive Garden ! YUM ! ) Kudos and brownie points to you , Kenny ! So , once again , we played and we lost . Needless to say no one wanted to talk to me last night . The only humor I 've found is that last night after the loss and after the yelling . . . the girls chose to give me my birthday present . Talk about bad timing . . . it was more of a ' here you go coach ' while handing me a card . Really is funny when you think about it now . I think they drew straws and whoever lost had to be the one to hand it to me . So , this morning we 've turned over a new leaf . Apparently the nice Coach Simpson has to be tucked away while I pull out Big Meanie . I guess the girls don 't care if they lose as long as there aren 't consequences . Hopefully they got the idea that there will be terrible consequences for lack of will after this morning 's practice . Not only did they have to push through the pain , they had to do it in silence . It was pretty awkward for those who chose to walk through the gym this morning . Not only did they get a chewing from me , they got a chewing from the Varsity coach . She had me nervous and almost in tears , and I was on her side . I 'm also pretty sure that since they were able to stumble off the court that I didn 't make them run enough . They should have had to crawl . Although , they were moving pretty slow as they headed to class . One girl didn 't show because , and I quote , " I didn 't get to play in the game , so I 'm not going to show up to run . " Where do you think she 's going to sit the rest of the season if that attitude doesn 't change ? And guess who gets to do exactly what everyone else did today come Tuesday morning . I 'm making enemies ! And I like it . So you see , I 'm not really into numbers , or records . . . but upon further examination , maybe I am . Last year my team went 20 - 0 ; the year before 18 - 1 . I know they were a talented group of girls , but I really was starting to think that maybe I was doing something right in the coaching area . This year , to date , my team is 0 - 2 . Don 't get me wrong ; these girls are improving . They 've gone from never touching a volleyball , to actually comprehending the game and putting their knowledge into practice . It 's just going to take a little time to get over the hump of losing . Our first game was not good ; we really should have won . The other team did not beat us ; we beat ourselves . Tonight 's game was better . I am anxious to see the film because at this point , I can 't find anything in my mind that we did majorly wrong . I think it was a lot of little mistakes that bundled into one loss . We played a JV team , and almost won , so I 'd definately say we 've improved . The good part is that I have parent support . It 's not just me who sees that the girls are improving . There aren 't many coaches who can say they had parents jumping up and down in the stands , even as their daughters lost a match . . . . I 'm glad they are behind their daughters because the girls ' attitudes reflect the parents ' attitudes a lot of the time . So , as I sit here and babble , I can honestly say things are looking up . Of course no one likes to lose , but I can honestly say that even though we didn 't win , we won a small part of our pride tonight . ( But I would also like to think that maybe there will only be the number two in our loss column by the end of the season ~ The girls are working too hard not to reap some benefits . ) It 's always fun when you hear a word come from your child that you 've been trying to teach , but it 's even more fun ( in a bitter - sweet way ) when you hear a word that you know you didn 't teach ! Since I get to be with Avery for 90 % of her days , I know what goes on in her life most of the time . Each day I learn that she is a sponge soaking up the outside world as well . . . Bible class , all of Kenny 's students , my volleyball girls , etc . This morning in Wal - Mart , I stood in the checkout line looking at Avery as she contorted her body to reach in the basket and take out the bunch of bananas . She loves to eat bananas , and I assumed she was going to ' ask ' me for a bite right then . I was wrong . Instead I heard , " nuh nana " as her little finger pointed to the banana ! Wow ! I didn 't teach her banana , but she learned it somewhere . I love that she 's so smart , and that Kenny and I are not the only ones teaching her . . . . . . . Unless it 's someone teaching her something she shouldn 't be learning yet ! This past weekend we visited Huntsville to help welcome our friends ' newest addition to their family ! I 've talked about Avery 's best bud , Lawson . Well , the new addition is Lawson 's new baby sister , Jordan . There were lots of hugs , smiles and kisses . Avery wanted to kiss the baby , and did okay sometimes , but did tend to get rough once . Lawson had to show her the right way to do it . Lots of kissing . . . A bonus to the weekend was getting to stay with the Bybee family . As you may know , Joshua and Avery love each other . Avery tries to play hard to get , but deep down she can 't wait to pounce him . The first few times Joshua was told to give Avery a kiss , she offered her cheek to him , but by the end of the weekend , she was giving smakeroos on the lips ! It 's so much fun to see the interaction with different personalities , and a good time was had by all . . . . . . . . until Saturday night when the kids were asleep and the spades game started . . . but that 's another story . Another great thing that happened that weekend was Steak and Shake . I think it 's the best place ever , and it is rare that we get to eat there . On our way home , Kenny exited in Prattville where our new - found Steak and Shake resides . Avery decided to celebrate the occasion and get all decked out in Steak and Shake gear . A girl after my own heart ! If anyone has ever used Orajel , maybe you will know what I 'm about to describe and can empathize . For the past few weeks , I have had severe allergy and sinus issues . They have finally led to even causing a toothache , which I sort of knew could happen , but never really experienced . Today while Avery and I ran errands , I picked up some Orajel to try to make the pain subside a bit . I have never used this or any similar product before , so I had to read the directions : " Cut off tip and apply to sore area " was the advice I received from the back of the box . Sounded easy , so I cut the tip and stuck it in my mouth to apply to the sore area . They didn 't tell me it was going to ooze over my entire top gum , drip onto my bottom teeth , then cause me to cringe and get my tongue involved in the action , leading to the roof of my mouth getting in on it too . At first I thought I was just going to have to deal with the aweful taste , but soon realized that I felt as if my mouth and tongue were ten sizes larger than they were originally . Then , I couldn 't feel anything ! ( I thought about trying to drink some water to see if it would dribble out everywhere like on the movies , but didn 't want to clean it up if that did happen . ) So after I realized that was the completely wrong way to apply to sore area , I wondered how long it was going to feel like that . If anyone else is wondering too , apparently the pain from the tooth only subsides for about 30 minutes because that 's how long my mouth felt numb . I know that maybe I should have known better , but maybe they should have said , " squeeze onto finger and apply to sore area . " At least now I 'll know for the future , and maybe I 've given fair warning to others . |
Posted on January 13 , 2016 by speedy _ dsd Reply My Favorite sport is golf . I started golfing when I was 4 years old . When I started playing after a week or two I thought I wasn 't good because I did think I was getting better . My dad kept me practicing every day so I would improve . I usually play every day in the summer except for Mondays because our country club is closed then . In the summer I play with a few of my friends so we can get better for high school golf . This summer I was voted one of the three best players for 18 and under at my Country club . Then , we three and the pro played in the pro - junior / pro - am golf tournament . The golf tournament was played on the Gateway golf course . Bellerive , which was my team , won the lowest gross ( lowest number of strokes ) and the lowest score . The tournament was played as the best ball which is where you all agree which ball is the best to play and Bellerive , my team was 17 under . When I grow up I want to be a professional golfer and play on the PGA . When I was 4 years old and hit my first golf ball I thought I was bad but my dad kept telling me to practice more and more to get better . So now I practice every time I can to get better at my favorite sport so that I will be able to accomplish my dream . The golf tournament I remember the most was walking up hole # 18 to finish and it was so dark I couldn 't see the pin from 10 feet away so they had to tend the pin there were also at least 40 people on the green watching so I was really nervous . Fortunately , I made that last put to win for the Bellerive team . All of the years that I 've been playing I have never had a hole in one and I can 't wait until my first one . The best part about golf is seeing how far you can hit the ball but that is not what is important at all in the game of golf . What is really important is how accurate you are and playing smart golf . Accurate and smart golf is not trying to whack the ball over the lake to get it on the green , or to get the ball further , it is playing the ball safe and not making penalty strokes . I have learned and always heard this from my dad . I have never taken a private golf lesson and I can play my course under par . Just because I think I can under par my golf course does not mean that I will be able to walk into a tournament at any golf course and say it 's easy , because I do not know what the course will look like Since in the rules of golf you can only have 14 clubs in your golf bag I practice with more so I can take the ones that I do not hit well and put them away so I don 't use them . My favorite club is my driver because I can hit the ball 270 yards with all my practice . I also hit my hybrid , sand wedge , and irons really well . The hardest part of golf is putting . Putting is where you take a small stroke back and tap the ball or hit it medium . You do this because you are trying to get the ball in the hole or close to it . Putting is where most of your strokes come from . This is because if you putt two times which is the most you should have to put on every hole throughout 18 holes you automatically end up with 36 strokes for putts . This is why it is good to play smart golf so you don 't make a crazy shot and end up with more strokes . Jordan Spieth is the best golfer in the world right now , he has won 273 tournaments in his life . I hope that I will become a professional golfer in my life . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by sanjaychakinala20 Reply I had just entered the Vetta building in Concord , thirty minutes before the start of the game of our season . We were playing on the left field so I started walking in that general direction . Our team has had a tough season , but not all terrible . We had lost some close games , games we had no subs , or games where I was sure some of the other team 's players were older than us . We also had some great games , shutting out the other team where in indoor it is really hard , games won in the last minute , or games where we just outplayed the other team . This game though may have been our best game all year . We were playing W . C . Saint Louis . They were about our skill level . Last time we played them was earlier this season . We almost beat them , but they came back by scoring three goals last minute to win . It was a devastating loss so now was our chance for redemption . I was looking for my teammates and I found them warming up . Only a few were there , but we started warming up . While I was passing coach pulls me aside to talk about my position . " Only a couple … " Coach Bruce replied . Unfortunately , the people we were missing were both midfielders so I was going to have to help out extra there . " You will be playing left midfield , and be prepared to stay on the field for a while . " " Okay , " I said . I joined our team for our warm - up jog . More of my team started to show up as there were approximately fifteen minutes until game . We all huddled up . Nick always leads it . " On three ; one , two , three , FSC ! " we said as a team . Then the referee blew the whistle , so it was time for us to get on the field . As I ran on the field , I could hear my teammates prepping us and the parents cheering for us . The ref blew the whistle and the ball was kicked to me by Phillip and take the ball back . I find Daniel at right defense and pass it back to him . We keep the ball in our possession near our goal for a little time . After keeping ball in our possession for a while , I receive the ball from Daniel . I find Carter again . He then takes the ball and dribbles up a little . " I 'm open , " Phillip says as he is open while next to one of the other defenders . Carter passes it pass him so he can get the ball before the defender . In the box Phillip shoots and just like that we are up 1 - 0 . Parents are already cheering for a goal when ten minutes haven 't even passed . The ball is kicked off and the other team is quickly moving the ball around on our side of the field . After some passes , a long shot is taken and it goes in . 1 - 1 is the score . We kick off the ball and push onto the opponents half . I receive the ball out of the air . I look to move forward almost in the box , but quickly pass back to Alex . He shoots from outside the box and misses , but Ben able to recover the ball shoots . He scores to make the game 2 - 1 which is led by us . The other team has the ball keeping it away from us . Then I am subbed out which will possibly be one of my few breaks . I quickly get off the field . As I am getting my ice cold water , I hear cheering , but I hear it from the parents of the other team . I look up and the other team is celebrating as they have tied the score at 2 - 2 . I am drinking my water while watching the game . Sebastian gets the ball and dribbles into open area . That allowed him to find Gabriel and give him an open pass . He finds Nick who passes back to Gabriel getting the defender chasing everywhere . Gabriel shoots and the ball barely gets by the goalies hands allowing us to take the lead again . While we are celebrating , I take Sebastian off so I he can get a break . As I came on , the man I was going to mark was subbed of for a guy who was probably a couple heads taller than me . He was also their best player and the one who scored the winning goal the last time we played them . I get the ball and pass it back to Daniel . He attempts to pass it to Nick , but his pass is wide in my direction . I chase the ball and my man follows me . I get to the ball and so does the giant guarding me . I turn and his leg attempting to get the ball trips me . I am tangled up and pushed aside by him . I land on the turf , knee first . I am in pain while the ball is still in play . I get a quick glimpse as the other team scores with a goal by my man . I am in pain while Coach Bruce walks onto the field in this game which is tied at 3 - 3 . I had jammed my knee into the ground which made it hard to even walk . It didn 't look painful , but it was . I knew that because not everybody believed I was hurt , for example , Carter . As I was helped off the field , he thought I flopped so he was laughing hysterically . He would think that until I showed up to school the next day with my knee all bandaged up . The whistle blew signaling half time . Our players who were just on the field ran back to the bench . After discussing game plan , we took the field defending the other goal . I obviously sat on the bench . The second half started slow and one of the other team 's players got injured . While he was recovering , one of our midfielders was tired and asked coach for a break . I got on the field just before the ball was in play . Luckily , my knee recovered a little so I could move more , but I wasn 't able to run at full speed . The ball was passed to another player and passed back with the opponent 's possession . I was having trouble keeping up with my man who was now in the box . The ball was crossed and my man scored of the cross , and I wasn 't able to cover him . I was subbed off because Coach though I wasn 't able to play . Just then we scored again . The parents were going crazy and I knew I was eventually going to ask coach . I was waiting on the bench when he called Sebastian off for me to come in . I wasn 't part of many plays when I first came on . Alex and Daniel were doing a great job at defense while keeping the ball away from the other team . The other team was only able to get one shot which was stopped by our goalie Charlie who made a great save . Then Charlie threw the ball to Carter who dribbled up . Then he passed to Ben who kicked the ball right after past the defender to me which made the perfect chance to shoot . I shot , but it went wide . Luckily Ben was there to recover it once again . He shot , but his shot went wide and bounced right to me . I shot it right out of the air and went in . I was taken out after that which was good because my leg was about to give out . I was on the bench hydrating . That would end up being my last time on the field . I still knew that the game wasn 't totally over . The other team still could come back . The other team quickly pressured our goal after kicking off . We played defense well , but there offense scared me with little time left . The Charlie made another great save and was able to clear the ball out . Gabriel got the ball and dribbled up . He in Phillip made a one - two to get Gabriel in the box with an open shot . He shot and got a great goal . Most importantly , we were winning 6 - 4 which basically secured our victory with little time left . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by rebo20 Reply I remember life the way it used to be . It was too good to be true when I was a little child . I faintly remember the good memories like going on many interesting trips and having enjoyable laughs with one another . One of those memorable trips occurred when I was eight , and my brother with blonde curled hair was ten years old , my family ventured to Costa Rica . Our plane was delayed for six hours , during our endless wait at the airport we tried to occupy our time . My family sat in the airport and played card games . My mom was always prepared , so she had things to keep us busy . Finally , our plane went to our first stop Dallas , and my parents were excited about the trip . My mom was going to see a host family she has known from years before , so she smiled when she talked about Costa Rica . However , she was angry when she thought about the long delays , too . My dad tried to calm my mom down while we ate dinner at the airport . All was good , or at least I thought it was . I was too young to really notice the changes occurring between my parents . A few months later , I noticed my mom not smiling as much , and she was not as enthusiastic as usual . My mom and I were in the car going to practice one day , and I asked my mom , " Are you angry at dad ? " She said , " Okay . " I was expecting more than just okay , because I knew something was wrong between my parents . They were not talking , and I kept noticing they were getting into fights . I thought this was normal because people told me all parents get in some arguments . When my parents were in the house they stayed in different rooms and tried to avoid one another . None of my friend 's parents were divorced , so the idea that my parents might separate never entered my mind . It was a Friday , and my parent 's needed to go outside because they were having the biggest fight I had seen them have in my entire lifetime . I knew this argument was never going to be solved just because how they how loud they were . I could hear them outside my house ! It sounded like someone had died . After this incident , everything started going downhill from there . While this event was occurring , my brother was staring at me not knowing what to do while we were inside my house . I was running around in circles screaming because I was so worried . When my parents come back in the house , they were so silent that I could hear a cricket chirp . My parents did not make eye contact with each other at all . My brother and I went to our rooms , and shortly after that I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes . Before I knew it , I was asleep and dreaming . The days came and went , and things were not at all the same with my family . It was a Saturday morning in 2012 , and my family was making a delicious breakfast at our house the smells were extremely present . We normally took our time eating and we discussed our plans for the weekend . My brother would have hockey practice , and I had a soccer game . That morning , it was a very quick meal , and my parents seemed distracted . Afterwards , my brother and I were clearing off the table . My dad and mom were at opposite ends of the rectangle shaped table and they called us both over . " Come here we need to talk to you , " my dad 's tone of voice let me know that it serious . They looked very unpleased . I knew what they were going to say was not going to be good . For a minute I was hesitant to sit down , but I did anyway . I instantly fell off the chair with grief and became hysterical crying . I will never forget those words for the rest of my life . Divorce was a foreign word to me , back then . After hearing the word , I looked like a rag doll hanging on my chair . My mom rushed over to me to calm me down , but I did not want her to touch me . I began to run around in circles , distraught with the idea that my family was crumbling . I ran through the living room , into the kitchen , and then ended up in the basement . My mom followed me , but I wanted nothing to do with her at that time . My mom did not stay very long and eventually I went upstairs , but I was still upset . On the other hand , after this news my brother seemed completely unfazed , getting something to eat and going in his room . He did not seem to care at the time , but later we talked , and I knew it hurt him , too . I was distraught for most of the day , and I kept crying for hours afterwards . I realized I had a soccer game that I needed to get to , and I had to make the decision on whether to go or not . I did not particularly want to go because I did not want people to ask me questions because they could clearly tell that I was upset . Staying at the house felt claustrophobic and the idea of kicking and punching a soccer ball sounded excellent . My dad offered to take me to the game . The car ride was tense and instead of looking at him , I stared out the window , watched the trees and all the perfect houses go by . My house used to be perfect , and in an instant it had all changed . At last , we arrived at the fresh cut grass soccer field . Interestingly during the game , I was on fire as I scored three goals ! With the news of my parents ' divorce , I thought my life would be over , and I realized everything was going to change . The life I had was never going to be the same . There would be no more family vacations together , and our holidays would be split between two households . Yikes ! Who was I to live with … mom , dad , or both ? It has been three years since the moment that changed my life forever . Now , I live with both of my parents ' just on different days . But , I am always with my brother whomever house I am staying at that day , and through the divorce , if I did not have him I would have felt lost and alone . He and I have developed a better relationship through all of this . One small moment in one 's life can change it forever , yet one can find a way to make the best of it and persevere . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by PePe Reply It was night so terrifying that you won 't be able to read this story . But you will have to try . I was in my family room chilling with my friends Adam and Jordan . I went to elementary school with these guys and I liked nothing better than hanging out with them on a Friday night . Did I mention that Jordan didn 't even live in St . Louis at that time ? His family had to move to New York after 4th grade . On that fateful Friday night , he had flown to town to spend the weekend with me . So there I was , all set to go . Ready to have fun playing Wii , eating pizza and catching up with my friend who I hadn 't seen for a long time . Little did I know , this was about to become one of the most disastrous nights of my brief life . My Mom walks into the room and tells me something that no one should EVER have to hear . She announces , " Billy , I have signed you up for Wydown Fortnightly and tonight is the first dance . " And then my world came crashing down when she told me to go upstairs and get on a suit and tie . I wailed , " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . " But she stood her ground and I knew that she meant business . There have been lots of times I knew that I could get out of things but this wasn 't one of those times . I stomped up the stairs and was incredibly grumpy . There , laid out on my parents ' bed were the snazzy clothes that I had to put on . The " torture " outfit included : button down shirt , suit coat , khaki pants , tie - up leather shoes and a bow tie . One by one , I put everything on . And I was grouchy about it all . I wanted to make sure that my Mom knew that I was not happy about any of it . She wasn 't budging though . Downstairs we went . After the multiple failed attempts to tie the tie correctly , she finally did it correctly . She had to watch YouTube videos many times before she got the hang of it . My sadistic mother couldn 't stop when I got dressed , she had to keep up the torture by putting product in my hair . Adam and Jordan were in the family room doing what I wanted to do . They happily got to continue with their plans . But as true as friends would do , they encouraged me that everything was going to be OK . Easy for them to say . I had to go to a dance with a bunch of people who I didn 't know and they got to stay at my house while I was headed to my worst nightmare . I reluctantly got in the car and we headed toward the dance . The ride only took about ten minutes but I used every minute to try to figure a way to get out of going . I kept begging not to go . My Mom just kept driving . I hoped for red lights or a giant tornado to destroy the place where the dance was going to be . Apparently God wasn 't listening because we arrived safe and sound . I went inside the church . There was a hallway leading to a gathering area where kids from different schools had come together . Apparently , their parents hated them , too . The director called boys and girls to lineup on either side of the room and each person had to choose a partner . He told us how the first dance was going to happen . I did what he told me to do . I did well but my partner struggled . After the first round of dancing was over , he taught us another dance variation . Throughout the night , I felt proud of how I did . Despite my negative thoughts about the evening , I had an OK time . I survived Wydown Fortnightly . They even had cookies and water . How can you not like cookies and water ? I did something that I thought that I was going to hate . I pleased my mother . Thankfully after the dance , I got to go back to my house where good buddies were and enjoy their company . . Maybe , maybe , maybe someday I will look back and be glad that I did it …… ( I highly doubt it , though ) . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by rosspohlman20 Reply About 6 years ago I moved to the house I live in now . When I moved I was a little nervous about meeting new people and fitting in . Before this house I lived in a very big house in 40 acres of land in Wild Wood St . Louis MO . This was a red brick house with a field next to it but all around the field was forest . I lived in that house for 5 years , and before that I lived in another house for 3 years . I don 't remember much about that earlier house . I have had a long experience of changing schools . A big part of my life happened after I moved houses . This is when I went to reed school . I liked the school and I didn 't mind the teachers , it was just this one kid who I really didn 't like at all . This kid had bullied me for a long time , and even when I see him now he rolls his eyes at me . I don 't know why he does what he does or why he hates me but this is why I feel insecure whenever I go to a new school because of that . I am always nervous about meeting new people and going to new schools . People are usually nervous about going to new schools but I have had a hard past as for some of these kids have not . If I could redo my life then I would . Part of all this is my fault because I was a little touchy back then but instead of bulling me they should have told me to stop and tried to help me instead . This is a little of topic but it has to do with the subject of me moving to a new house . I am very independent and I probably would have never been so independent if I never was so bullied . It is sad that it had happened to me . Now I have been to 6 different schools but this school was the worst . First I went to Ladue early childhood center , then I went to Hope Montessori school , after that I went to Ridge Meadows Elementary school , after that I went to Reed School , then Rohan Woods School ( which is the only school that I have graduated from ) , finally I go here to Whitfield so in all it was a lot of schools . Before I moved into the house I live in now I lived in my aunt 's house for a small time while I was moving . I also started school while I was in my aunt 's house . This school is probably one of my least favorite memories because while I was here I was bullied a lot . This was Reed Elementary school . I went to this school was after I moved . My first day of school I didn 't know anyone except my twin sister . I was still back in first grade at the time so I was a little bit jittery because I was in a different area . Now I know at that time that I wasn 't . I think that I might have known one person or at least heard who he was and he was the bully . The reason I knew him is because he would always ride his bike to school . I also met him earlier on . When I started school I rode my bike to school every day because it was close to my house and a few other kids in my neighborhood also rode their bikes to school . Going back to the bully , at first he was my friend . He another kid in my neighborhood and I played a game . The game would be like spy and it would go until night . I also went trick or treating with them . Before all of this I lived in a big red brick house out in Wildwood , MO . Wildwood is near chesterfield . I had lived in that house for 5 years before I moved into the house that I live in now . I remember when I was touring the house that I live in now and thinking that this is a good house . I also remember when I had my first Halloween . I even remember when there was a fire in a nearby house from us but it wasn 't a bad fire . I remember when I had moved into the house and I was a little anxious about meeting new people . I didn 't know this at first but the bully at Reed School was actually a distant cousin of mine . When I moved I was nervous because it was the first time that I could remember living in in a neighborhood . I didn 't want to leave my old house because I knew it so well but it was so far away from my family in Clayton and Ladue so we moved . I now like that I moved because I have had so many great memories here but I also had a lot of good memories there at that house . But moving was fun because I remember it very well now . I wish that I lived in that house still so I could have all the memories that I had there as well as all the memories that I have now . I wish those times hadn 't ended because later that year he was a bully to me and the next year he and a group of kids were a bully to me . I have absolutely no clue why they were so mean to me . I don 't know what I did to make them bully me , I don 't know if it was because I acted or if it was the way I looked or even if it was because I wasn 't as smart as the other kids . I also think that it could that they were jealous of me because my family is a little wealthy . The main point is that they bullied me instead of helping me . Moving to my new house was different because it had been so long since I had moved . Like I said I still wish that I could have stayed at my old house for a lot longer and had a lot of new memories but I still like all the good memories that I have had at the house that I am living in now because I never would have probably gone to the camps that I go to now , I would never had gotten the dog that I have now . There would probably would be some good things that could have happened to me such as my dog not dying at the time she did or all the bullying that happened to me but I learned from all the stuff that had happened to me and grew from it becoming the person I am . All the things that happened to me in the past six years would have never happened to me if I had just stayed at my old house . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by AmeliaF Reply The tense air was filled with mindless chatter . Everyone was running on plain adrenaline as they stood holding onto the few hours they had left in the classroom . Computers to sign up for the alumni program were scattered on clean , empty desks around the room . The whiteboard filled with messages and drawing in all colors from teachers , other students , and the current graduating class . I stood there anxious and shaking , with a fear produced smile on my face . Nervous fingers taped desks , and words powered by anticipation were constantly filling the silence . I felt surreal , like it was a dream . It was crazy to think " I am graduating today . I will not go to school here anymore . " I still hadn 't fully realized it , even after countless rehearsals , speech writing sessions , and choir practices . This was the day , May 30 , 2014 . " Okay , line up in your order , we 're going to start walking now . " Mrs . Gray said , giving us a smile that had become the most comforting smile to me over the years . I walked over to line up in my place , and could feel my heart thumping away . We walked a long way , through the hallways we had always been in , the places we knew better than our own houses . We finally came to the outdoor staircase we would go down to get into the back of the gym . " Oh gosh I 'm so scared . " I said , shaking . " I know , me too . " My friend Gwen said , smiling at me and grabbing my hand . I squeezed her hand anxiously . We were all completely still and silent as we waited for our cue . Then we walked out to the back of the gym , facing the stage . All the seats were full of parents , grandparents , aunts , uncles , cousins , and more . They turned and pulled out cameras and phones to record us . The graduation music started playing , and the tense energy higher than ever . Two by two we were going to walk down the middle aisle to the stage . Then we would split sides and stand in front of our seats . " The first pair went . Now the second … , third … , fourth … , gosh I 'm nervous . I bet I 'll fall . I 'll be the one who falls . Oh no . " I thought . Then before I realized it I was walking down the aisle with Gwen . I didn 't even think about what I saw doing , everything was blurry . I concentrated on not tripping on the stairs , and slowly made it to my seat . Thank goodness . The worst wasn 't over though . The speeches started , and they went by alphabetical last name . I waited through speeches I had heard a million times already in practices , and tried not to look bored . Finally I heard Mr . Falkner , the principal say " Amelia Clemers . " I tensed and got up , getting encouragement from all the people I walked past on the stage . My legs were wobbly as I carefully made my way down the stairs and to the podium . There was a still silence with the only gentle scuffling sound of the papers underneath the microphone . My speech was already printed out and sitting there , just like I 'd practiced . " It 's okay . " I thought . " No one 's really paying attention . " I started the speech , just like I had before , and for a while it was like I could see myself reading it . Like I was an observer to myself . It was one of the scariest and best experiences of my life . I wrote , edited , and recited a speech to my entire school , with all the parents and faculty there . This was pretty amazing for me , someone who didn 't even like to speak up in class , to be able to do it . I don 't want to sound conceited , but I was proud . I walked back to my seat , after I finished and heard the applause . On my way back every person gave me a " Good job ! " or some other compliment . I felt amazing , I had just faced one of my biggest fears . Adrenaline pumped through my veins , and I grinned like a crazy person , because I had just given the speech I had feared to give for years . Then they started giving out the certificates . One by one I watched my classmates go off the stage , and stand in front to receive their certificates . I saw their parents rush up to take a picture . Flash . Then finally I heard " Amelia Clemers ! " I walked down off the stage hearing the applause . I smiled broadly , and got the certificate from my dad . He was giving it to me , because he was a member of the board for the school . He smiled proudly , wearing his best suit and the tie I 'd picked out for him . I got the certificate and stopped for a picture . Looking back at those pictures I see that my hair had fallen straight again from my mother 's attempts to curl it , and my dress looked like I was in the Victorian era , but it is still one of my favorite pictures . After everyone had finally gotten their certificates , we stood up , and the music played once again . We walked in pairs off of the stage , and down the aisle . As it came to my turn , I walked as gracefully as I could muster off the stage . I met up with Gwen at the front of the stage , and she grabbed my hand . We walked , and practically skipped down the aisle , grinning like crazy . This taught me that I can do things that scare me . I had been scared of giving a graduation speech every year I went to graduation . I had always feared it , and hoped I wouldn 't have to do it . But I 'm very glad I was made to do the speech . It was scarier than anything else I had ever done , because yes I had done presentations in front of the whole school , but nothing this long . I felt amazing getting my certificate , and celebrating with my class . After graduation there 's always a party for the families and the kids in the gym . There 's a cake with all of our names on it , and lots of pictures being taken . I felt so relived , almost giddy . I remember the excited conversations , the happiness , the past being reminisced , the last pictures , last hugs , last words before you move on . I remember walking out that door , feeling relived , and sad for what I was leaving behind . My home , pretty much . The teachers who all knew me , the younger kids who I played with , the classrooms and places I played in for so much of my life . Also , my class . People who were going different ways , people who would become different people , just like I did . I learned to not fear the future as much , and to embrace my challenges . Posted on January 11 , 2016 by josiem Reply All Summer I begged my parents for a puppy . I sent many emails to my parents saying what I would do if I could get a puppy , and whenever I could I would say please . I looked online for months even though my parents told me I couldn 't get one . I researched breeds , where to get one , and I even had names picked out . I found a place online that had a puppy I really liked . I told my mom about it and since we had no other plans , we went to the pet store . All I could hear once we walked into the store were puppies barking . The store had rows and rows of pet supplies . There were many other pets like birds , cats , bunnies , and hamsters . When I walked a bit further , I saw a huge wall full of puppies in cages , and so many different breeds . We were able to play with a few . After about an hour of playing with different dogs , I finally saw the one that I found online . Right when I saw it , I knew it was the puppy I wanted . She was a very small Yorkie . Her fur was mostly black and her face was brown . On her head she had a patch of white fur . I asked the girl that was helping us if I could play with her . I instantly loved her , she loved to play and be held . My mom could tell how much I loved her , but she said , She told me we are going to look at another place once my dad got home from work . The other pet store was about 30 minutes away , and I was still excited to look at puppies , but was still hoping that I would be able to see the Yorkie from the day before . When we walked into the other pet store , there were many cages with 1 - 5 puppies in them . It was a small room . I played with a few , and looked at many . I didn 't have the feeling I did with the Yorkie with any of those dogs . My parents found one they loved , but I didn 't want that one , I had already made up my mind . After looking around for a while , we left and headed to the place from the day before . Right when we got to the first pet store , I ran to the back of the store where the puppies were . I showed my dad the Yorkie I wanted so badly since he had not seen her yet . I saw the girl who helped us the other day and I told her which one I wanted to look at . She took her out of the cage and handed her to me . I was so excited to see her again . My parents and I went into a fenced in area so we could play with her . I threw a small tennis ball to her , and she ran and jumped for it . This made my parents and I laugh . My dad wanted me to play with a different one as well . It was cute , but it wasn 't anything like the Yorkie . My parents went away for a few minutes to talk . It felt like it took hours . The girl who helped us came back and told me that my parents said I could her ! I was so excited ! I knew right away I was going to name her Jorgie . The girl took Jorgie back to her cage while my parents completed paperwork . I looked around the store to pick out the supplies we needed to get . When my parents were done with the paperwork , the girl brought Jorgie out . She had on a purple bow and a bandanna that matched . On the way home she was in my lap the whole time . When we got home , I was very worried about how Jorgie would get along with the other 2 dogs I have . Right when we let the other dogs outside , Jorgie instantly loved them . She jumped and licked them . My other dogs were much bigger than her , I thought Jorgie would be scared of them . Jorgie wasn 't afraid of anything . She jumped in the grass and ran with the other pets . I knew I loved her . |
♦ 1 Comment I 've debated long and hard whether I wanted to touch this story . For me , it 's brought up a ton of old feelings . Seeing the comments and opinions swirling all over the internet has sometimes had me cheering and sometimes had me wanting to bang my head into a wall . The first thought is about those poor girls . I 've struggled for a long time with the fact that beyond kicking my abuser out of our circle , my parents did nothing more to help or protect me . They notified NO ONE ! They kicked him off our property , told him he wasn 't welcome at our family functions , and that they never wanted to see him again , but beyond that , nothing . There was no counseling , there was no telling me that it wasn 't my fault . THERE WAS NO JUSTICE ! He was never made to pay for what he did to me and other girls ( that I only found out about 25 years later ) . When I finally talked about it as an adult ( to protect my abuser 's granddaughter ) , I found out that I had missed the statute of limitations . Even had I wanted to , I couldn 't press charges . I lived in fear , growing up , that I 'd run into him in town . As a junior in high school I saw his van one morning while I was riding the bus to school . I had a full blown panic attack . Back then I didn 't know what it was . I just knew that I couldn 't breathe . I couldn 't stop shaking . I couldn 't form coherent thought . When I got to school , I was in a daze and my friends were all worried about me . But I couldn 't talk about it . I couldn 't tell them what happened . I was so conditioned to bury it , to ignore it , to never speak of it , that I couldn 't tell them what happened . And for the past twelve years , those girls have had to LIVE with their abuser . They 've had to be paraded around national t . v . with their abuser . They 've had to smile for the cameras and act like everything is all happy , happy , joy , joy . All while being told it was their fault . I 've seen the printouts of Gothard inspired " counseling " that sex abuse victims receive in their particular cult and to say that it is disturbing is a gross understatement . I weep for those girls . My heart breaks for them . My next thoughts were for Jim Bob and Michelle . They weren 't pleasant thoughts . How dare they sacrifice their girls on the altar of their son 's maleness ? What makes a person with a penis so damn special in their circles that they would bury this and not protect their girls ? I simply don 't understand this ? And after those girls , more girls were born into the family . They have small girls now . Josh has a girl of his own and a daughter on the way . Who is protecting those girls ? Certainly not Jim Bob and Michelle . They have failed miserably as parents . They failed Josh when they didn 't get him outside help , accountability , and stop him from doing it again . They failed every one of their other children when they didn 't protect them from Josh . They failed their other boys when they continued to teach the exact same shit that was probably responsible for turning Josh into a child molester . Will it come out that the other boys in the family followed in Josh 's footsteps ? Then the thoughts turned to Josh himself . I understand that he said he is " sorry " , that he " hasn 't done it again " , that " he 's changed " and recognized his " mistakes . " Well , excuse me while I barf in my mouth a little . The abuser doesn 't get to say that he is not an abuser any longer ! Those girls deserve to be protected from him . And as a so - called " repentant " abuser , he should be the first one to tell everyone in his circle that he shouldn 't be trusted with children . I am angry about this whole situation . I 'm angry that there is a religion out there that breeds this kind of predator . I 'm angry that there are people who follow it so blindly that they hurt children over and over and refuse to protect them . I 'm angry that those girls weren 't given the chance to heal and disclose the abuse they suffered if and when they wanted to . I 'm angry that offenders are not punished and taken out of proximity of their victims and potential victims . I 'm angry that parents don 't protect their children . I 'm angry that all of this is done in the name of God . He would never stand for anyone hurting and not protecting children ! ♦ Leave a comment We got home and I read through the papers . It seems that Liam changed his mind and decided to stay with Bubba . He 'd signed a paper stating his preference . He was old enough to do this and he 'd done it . I felt sick . I 'd told Liam that I 'd take care of it and fix it so that he could live with his dad . I knew it would be a fight but it wouldn 't have been this level of fight . Bubba was fighting for custody of both boys and the charges he brought against me were unbelievable . He claimed that I didn 't provide adequate supervision for the kids , that I never had food in my house , and that I don 't allow my kids to have a relationship with my side of the family . First , Serenity is an adult and Liam is well past the age to be a legal babysitter in my state . It makes no sense to say I don 't provide adequate supervision . It 's just something to try and make me look bad . Second , according to my children , I never have food in the house only because their definition of food consists of junk food and soda , which I buy very little of . Not only do I not have the budget to afford such items ( thanks to Bubba being thousands behind on child support ) , but I also strive to have my family eat healthily . I 've had to let the ideal of not using convenience foods go because of my work schedule , but my fridge , freezer , and pantry are always full of food . The simple fact is that the older two kids don 't want to have to pull something out of the fridge and cook themselves something to eat . They want to binge on potato chips and soda and candy . Third , I do not choose to have a relationship with my family . Not once have I ever told my kids that they weren 't allowed to have a relationship with my family . Both of the older two have their own cell phones and can initiate contact with their grandparents , aunts , uncles , or cousins as they see fit . They 've also been instructed over and over to let Shane use their phones for such contacts if he wants . I reminded them of family members ' birthdays for the first two years after I left Bubba . None of the children ever wanted to call so I stopped reminding them . I also figured that it was no longer my place since my family had embraced Bubba . It was his responsibility to maintain contact between the kids and the people who chose him . They were his family now and his responsibility . Treun immediately called the lawyer he 'd used for his divorce . He said she was a shark and a shark is exactly what we needed . We set up an appointment and went to talk to her . I printed off some of the emails that Bubba had sent me over the years that showed exactly how verbally abusive he continued to be toward me . I printed off my accounting sheet of child support arrears , detailing what was due , what was paid , and what was owed . I got my original court documents together . And I got the retainer together . Thankfully , I 'd gotten a good tax return just a few months before this and I 'd saved it . I knew that with the two year mark having passed that Bubba would be taking me back to court as soon as he could find a reason to and I was right . My nest egg would be utterly depleted but the fact that I had it was a miracle to me . Treun assured me that this time would be different . This time I had a shark lawyer and the support of a loving husband . I was no longer that traumatized woman just trying to escape with her kids . I was in a strong position this time and Bubba was in for a fight . ♦ Leave a comment Serenity called me in near panic . She 'd been sleeping and heard someone banging on the front door . Since she was home alone , she looked out the window upstairs to see if she could see who was at the door . To her surprise she saw a couple of cop cars in front of our house . She went to answer the door and a man asked for me . She told him I wasn 't home and he gave her his business card and told her to tell me to call him as he had papers for me . Serenity gave me his contact information so I called him . He told me that he was trying to serve me with court papers that pertained to custody of my minor children . The old terror came flooding back . Bubba was trying to take my kids from me again . It 'd had been over two years of not dealing with the courts and I wasn 't eager to go back there . Family court had been a terrible experience for me and my children and we were once again being thrust back into it . I asked the man if he could put the papers in my mailbox as we were going to cut our vacation short and come home late Friday and I didn 't want to wait all weekend to get the papers . He agreed . Treun and I cut three days off our vacation and headed home . Bubba had timed his attack perfectly . Even though I hate to think it , I really believe that Liam told him that I 'd be gone . And I believe that Bubba timed the papers to be served like they were . If it is one thing I know about Bubba , he is still intent on hurting me any way he can . Even with the stress of knowing those papers and a court fight was waiting for us when we returned , Treun and I still managed to enjoy our time together . I got him lost once because I wasn 't paying attention when I was supposed to be navigating and missed a turn . He didn 't get upset with me at all . We just adjusted our course and kept going . He assured me that it was fine and really no big deal . It really was a good vacation and it showed me that Treun is really fun to travel with . We had a great time just being together , stopping to see whatever sights struck our fancy . ♦ 1 Comment Treun decided to take me to what used to be my hometown for our honeymoon . He knew I wanted to go see my grandmother and an elderly cousin so he thought this would be a perfect time to go . We could also drive just a bit further and see Endellion ! It would be the perfect honeymoon for me . Tons of hours in the car with just Treun and me talking . To tell the truth , there was a small part of me that was apprehensive about the trip . Vacations with Bubba had always been very stressful for me . I did all the planning , packing , and work for the trip while Bubba just went and enjoyed himself . During the vacation , he would treat me horribly and get mad at me when things didn 't go right . Even when things beyond anyone 's control happened , it was somehow my fault . I learned not to fight him about it and just accepted responsibility , apologized , and tried to fix it . Only there was never any fix . When we got home , I 'd be exhausted and spent but I 'd have to do all the laundry and unpacking . I was able to avoid any kind of vacation with Bubba for the last few years of our marriage for the most part . I 'd rather accept the fight about not going anywhere to the sheer exhaustion that came with an actual vacation . Now here I was planning to go on my first vacation with Treun . What was it going to be like ? It started out good . We planned together and packed together . I think I kept looking at him liked he 'd grown a second head because I couldn 't make sense out of him helping me . It was strange . Then we left and started the long drive . We had so much fun ! I took my knitting along and we talked and talked . I 'd knit and he 'd point out interesting sights as he drove . He discovered that I liked to take pictures of each state 's welcome signs as we crossed borders so he made sure to let me know when we were getting close to borders . The drive up was so relaxing . I had just never experienced something so fun before . We stayed with an old high school friend of mine and her family while we were in my old hometown . I gave Treun a tour of my old stomping grounds . I showed him where I grew up . I took him to meet my grandmother and cousin . As they are both very elderly and not doing well , I figured this was my time to say good - bye . Before the divorce , each summer I 'd take the kids home and each summer , I 'd say good - bye to them as if it was my last time . With their failing health and the rift between me and my family , I really did think this was the last chance I had . After our visit , I sat in the parking lot of the nursing home and sobbed while Treun held me . My once vibrant cousin , a woman who helped raise me , was a shell of her former self . She could only mumble but she smiled and knew who I was . She made her pleasure at my presence known . Saying good - bye to her was so hard to do . We had an enjoyable visit with my old friend and ended up staying for two nights . I got to see another friend who went to college with me while I was there . I love that I still have a connection to my past . I still have friends I grew up with who I see every once in awhile . I value those old friendships . They stuck with me through the divorce . They believed me . They were appalled at the actions of my family . They are safe for me and they are worth their weight in gold . We said good - bye and headed out to see Endellion for a few days . I was beyond excited and the trip consisted of me bouncing around in the car like a kid at Christmas . After three years of calling Endellion my best friend , I was finally going to meet her in person . I wish I could put words to the excitement that I felt but there are no words adequate enough to convey that . Endellion had beaten us to where we were meeting ( it was easier to find than her house ) . As soon as I got out of the car , she came running over , picked me up , and spun me around . Endellion is statuesque and she looks like an Amazonian goddess . She is even more beautiful in person than she was on Skype . After a few pictures to mark the occasion , we piled back into our cars and headed to her house . We spent a few days hanging out with Endellion and her boys . We did some fun touristy things and we went swimming at the hotel where Treun and I were staying . We just spent those few days basking in each other 's presence . I think Treun enjoyed seeing me so happy . I think Endellion enjoyed seeing me being treated so well . I just enjoyed being with two of my favorite people in the whole world . ♦ Leave a comment Oh . My . Goodness ! How do four people accumulate so much stuff ? I 've given myself a month to get moved into our new home . I don 't think it 's going to be long enough . Seriously . Really . So much stuff . Now that the boys are gone , I can get busy . Since I 'd resigned from one job and was waiting to start the next one , I 'd have two weeks to get as much done during the days as possible . Then I 'd have two weeks of afternoons to work since I 'd be working each morning . One little woman vs . one small house . How could this be a problem ? When we 'd moved out of the house we 'd shared with Bubba , we lost half of our square footage . We 'd down - sized significantly . I 'd given Bubba all of his possessions but we still had had a ton of stuff that needed weeded out . I 'd had yard sales . I 'd donated loads of stuff . I 'd gotten it to a manageable volume to fit into our new , smaller house . But during the two years we lived there , the kids and I acquired more stuff thanks to Goodwill and friends . Once again I found myself needing to weed out what we no longer needed . And now I had the added bonus of trying to organize Treun 's house so that we didn 't have duplicates of everything taking up space . I had one month to get out of one house and blend our stuff together into another . This was complicated by the fact that when Treun went through his divorce , his ex - wife left their garage full and he just didn 't ever go into the garage . It was full of stuff that he hadn 't looked at in four years . I ended up taking car load after car load of household goods to the domestic violence agency that had helped me so much when I left Bubba . We took down two crock pots ( because for some reason , Treun had two ) , two sets of Corelle dinner ware ( because I hate Corelle and he had beautiful Polish pottery stored in his garage from when he and his ex - wife had tried a trial separation ) , tons of linens , toys , clothes , and many other items . When I realized that I had furniture that I needed to give away , I asked the director if there was a woman who was starting out on her own who could use it . She got me in touch with a woman who took all of the furniture we had because she left with nothing but her and her child . I also gave her many of the small kitchen items we had duplicated . Cleaning out my bedroom was tough for me . It was the first place I 'd had that was truly mine . I 'd painted it the way I wanted , decorated the way I wanted , and used it the way I wanted . I 'd found so much healing in that space that it was hard to say good - bye to it . Treun and I bought a new bed . His queen wasn 't big enough and my king had too many bad memories in it . A friend of Treun 's was looking for a bed for his guest bedroom so he took my bed . It felt good to say good - bye to that . There were days that I 'd work in my bedroom and sit in there and sob because of the reminders of the past . I found a card from Celia and cried for an hour . It was emotionally exhausting to clean out the past . The kitchen was the easiest room to clean . I can be very practical when I want to be . I kept what items I used and got rid of things that I hadn 't touched since I moved in . As my kitchen was small , it went pretty quickly . I 'd turned one corner of the kitchen into the donation area . It worked really well . When it got too crowded , I 'd load it in the car and take it to the donation center . I was finally able to get into the boys room and clean that . I gave myself a couple of days to do that and it ended up taking the majority of a week to get their room done . Since Shane wasn 't there to complain about every broken toy being thrown away I was free to dispose of anything that wasn 't whole and complete . Shane just had so many toys and books that it took more time that I thought . I had to go through all of the boys clothes and decide what of Liam 's could be handed down to Shane , what Shane had outgrown that I could pass along to a friend 's son , what Shane didn 't wear because it felt weird , and what things I needed to keep . After an entire month I was finally done moving and cleaning the old house . The last thing I had to do was find someone to give my washing machine . I advertised the washer online and a young couple with a baby responded to the add . We met them at my house later that day . When they showed up , Treun helped the man get the washer into his truck . As they were talking they mentioned that they needed a dryer too . I 'd given my dryer to Arcadia since mine was newer than hers . Treun had a brand new dryer at his house that he 'd bought for Noble but we couldn 't get it in the door of Noble 's apartment . Since Treun 's dryer is only two years old , we 'd just had the new one sitting in the garage . Treun told him that we had an extra dryer and he was welcome to it . We gave him the address and he said he 'd be over as soon as he took the washer home ( his truck was only large enough to move one at a time ) . Treun and I went over to his house and switched the dryers out and gave this young couple the two year old dryer . It was just another reminder that I 'd married a good man . We hadn 't planned to get rid of the dryer because if Noble moved , he 'd be able to use the dryer in a different house . But Treun saw a need and filled it for this young couple who was just starting out . I turned in my keys to the landlord and drove away from that house and that life . I was no longer a struggling single mom . It was time to go on my honeymoon and start enjoying my life with a wonderful man . It is time to take the boys to Bubba for his summer parenting time . It is time for me to have some time off . It is especially exciting because this year I get to move in with my new husband . Since we 'd gotten married before school let out , we 'd decided that the kids and I would continue to stay at our house until school let out then we 'd spend the last days they were with me at Treun 's house . I 'd do the heavy work of actually moving us after they left for the summer Since the cat was out of the bag about Treun , he finally was able to go with me to a visitation exchange . Usually , he 'd go along and I 'd drop him off an exit before where Bubba and I met then pick him back up after the exchange . Serenity had ridden with us a couple of months before and I 'd asked if we could just get it over with and take Treun with us and she had a panic attack in the car . She knew Bubba would not take it well , so we avoided it as long as we could . We got to the exchange point first and Treun got out of the car with the boys . I asked Liam to find out how close Bubba was . I wanted to get out and stretch my legs but I will not be out of my car when Bubba is there . For me , it is still a safety issue . I will never trust Bubba again . I had enough time to get out and stretch my legs . It felt good to be out of the car and walking around because it is a long drive to drop the boys off . Finally , Treun said that he saw Bubba 's car coming down the road so I hugged and kissed the boys and got back in . I asked Treun to get in the car but he said he was going to introduce himself to Bubba . I nearly had heart failure . Really ? Really ? Thankfully , the exchange went off without a hitch . Treun introduced himself to Bubba and they shook hands . It was over before it began and the boys were in Bubba 's car and Treun and I were heading back home . As soon as Treun got in the car , I told him to pull over as soon as we could so he could go wash his hands . I didn 't want him touching me until he washed Bubba off his hand . Then I asked him WTF he was thinking by introducing himself to Bubba . He simply explained that if their roles were reversed he would want to meet the man his children were living with . It was a point of integrity for Treun . He was extending a courtesy he would want himself . As we drove home , I felt a sense of peace . Treun and I were starting our lives together by having a summer together for ourselves . Serenity was in and out of the house enough that we 'd get private time and Treun planned to take me on a honeymoon in a few weeks . ♦ 1 Comment Life with Liam has been getting progressively worse . He is becoming more angry and volatile as the days go by . He is failing two classes in school and three of his teachers have been in contact with me about his grades and attitude in class . Apparently , the meds he is taking for the depression are not helping so we have another appointment scheduled to talk to his doctor . Liam is adamant that he doesn 't want to take the meds during the summer since he won 't be in school and he attributes everything negative to school . Liam told me the other day that he is thinking of moving in with his dad . I told him that we need to sit with his counselor and talk to her about it because he needs to fully understand his options . I want to do it with his counselor because they have a good relationship and she will help him understand the pros and cons of each option . I 'm not opposed to him going to live with Bubba but I am opposed to him doing it without information . We sat down with his counselor and together we told him what the pros and cons of living with me are . We asked if he could think of any more to add to the list . Then we did the same thing with Bubba . I told Liam not to make a decision yet as we had time for him to really think about what he wanted . I told him I would support him no matter what he choose . We scheduled another appointment with his counselor for the following week . To say it was a stressful week would be a gross understatement . When we had the next appointment , he said that he 'd decided to stay with me . I asked him why and he said because he knew that if he decided to move with his dad , we 'd have to fight in the courts again and he didn 't want to put me through that . I assured him that if he truly wants to live with his dad , I would move heaven and earth to make it happen because it is what he wants . I told him not to worry about the hows of it because that was for me to do . He insisted again that he would remain with me . Since he had decided to stay , we once again went over the expectations for him . We covered the rules of the house and that he needed to abide by them . We talked about what he needed to do to recover from having failed two classes . He said he understood and that he agreed to the rules . I left the appointment feeling very off about the whole thing . It is so obvious to me that Liam is severely depressed but I can 't force him to take meds or participate in therapy . I have to work with him to show him a better way and to try to guide him along a path to health . I had a strange feeling that it would only be a matter of time before the police would have to get involved again because his violence was escalating and I was scared . I was very worried for my precious baby boy and how much hurt he had inside him . ♦ Leave a comment A week after the wedding , Serenity graduated from high school . There were times that I wondered if we 'd ever see this day . Serenity is a very smart girl but her anxiety is almost crippling at times . Essays were nightmares for her . Her senior research paper had me ripping my hair out . It got to the point , during the first semester of her senior year , where I told her that she had to figure it out on her own . She had to talk to her teachers and ask for help when she was struggling . I told her to talk to the guidance counselor to see if there was any tutoring available . I simply couldn 't hold her up and push her to do her work any longer . She came through and got her research paper turned in with 5 minutes to spare . Then she shocked all of us by getting a high A on her paper . I knew she had the intelligence to do it , I just hadn 't known if she 'd be able to push through the anxiety to get it done . She 'd passed all of her graduation tests her junior year so she just needed to make it through her senior year coursework and she did it ! Bubba told her he was coming to town and would be at her graduation . Treun would be coming with me because he wanted to see Serenity graduate and he didn 't want me to be on my own . I bought Serenity and myself new outfits and ironed her graduation robe . The day was upon us and I knew we were both feeling the nerves of having Bubba in town . The cat would be out of the bag . Even if Bubba didn 't see the ring on my finger , he would see me with Treun . He would know that there is a man in my life . We 'd been very careful not to give Bubba confirmation of me having a boyfriend . Treun didn 't go to visitation exchanges with me . This would be it . No more keeping this part of my life a secret from Bubba . We got there early in order to get parking that wasn 't a million miles away . We found good seats and just sat there enjoying the fact that my baby was graduating ! Liam 's phone rang and it was Bubba telling him that he was there . Liam and his girlfriend got up to go get Bubba . I told Liam to not bring Bubba back with him . Well , that didn 't work . Bubba ended up sitting at the other end of the row we were sitting in . He was close enough to see the matching rings on our fingers if he looked our way . Surprisingly , the whole thing went off without a hitch . Bubba didn 't approach us and we stayed far away from him . After the ceremony , we found Serenity and got some pictures together in her cap and gown . Then we said good - bye to the children because Bubba was taking them all out to dinner . They 'd be home in time for me to get Shane to bed so Treun and I had a few hours to ourselves . ♦ 2 Comments The day had finally arrived . Treun and I were getting married ! Our wedding day dawned warm and clear . It was sunny and beautiful and I was up at an ungodly hour because I was too excited to sleep . The plan was to arrive at Treun 's house around 9 am so that we could all get ready there and have the ceremony at 11 am , followed immediately by lunch . When I arrived , I had Serenity go in the house first to make sure Treun was upstairs . I wanted to take a look in the backyard to see how he had things set up . I wanted a moment to enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning in the place that I would call my own in a couple short hours . The jasmine covering the gazebo was in full bloom and smelled heavenly . There was a table set up for my computer and the chairs were arranged as we 'd agreed . Everything was ready , except the bride ! Serenity and I set up shop in the bedroom . She started fixing her hair while I hung up my dress , got my shoes and bouquet out . I showed Shane how he was going to carry the rings for us . He was so excited to be a part of the wedding . He took his responsibility as ring bearer very seriously and listening intently as I instructed him how to hold the ring boxes and when he 'd have to step toward the preacher to hand the rings over . I didn 't have much to do except have Arcadia help me put two small braids in my hair to hold the sides back and get dressed . I just lounged on the bed and talked to Serenity while she fixed her hair . I 'd already ironed her clothes when we arrived so I just had to wait for the cake lady and the caterer . The cake lady showed up around 10 am and I was delighted with the cake . She has a little at - home shop and says that she is a baker , not a decorator . She 'd used white and two different shades of my color and swirled them together . They were very simple cakes but they were beautiful in their simplicity . The caterer showed up at 10 : 30 am and got everything set up for us . They were in and out in less than ten minutes so I had about twenty minutes to put my dress on and fix my hair . Oh , plenty of time . Arcadia arrived at the same time the caterer did so she changed her clothes while I directed the caterer . As soon as the caterer left , I got changed and she braided my hair . The ceremony went off without a hitch and lasted less than fifteen minutes . Treun and I had decided to write our vows and when it came down to it , neither of us prepared much . We spoke from the heart . The preacher didn 't sneak anything in there and it was a lovely ceremony . ♦ 1 Comment God and I have been on very shaky terms for quite awhile now . I 'd gotten sucked into Fundamentalist Christianity the last few years of my marriage and when I left , I had to refind my faith away from the dogma I was fed there . Between the " mature " women in my church , my pastor , and Nancy , saving my marriage had been put solely on my shoulders . I was told I wasn 't an obedient enough wife . I was told to give more , do more , be more for Bubba so that I could lead him to Christ . If I prayed hard enough and was submissive enough , Bubba would stop treating me so horribly and I would save my marriage and my husband . So there is our dilemma . Who do we get to marry us ? I had the brilliant idea to have Elrick become ordained online to perform the ceremony . Treun and I discussed it and ultimately Treun preferred someone who was older and an actual preacher . This took me by surprise because Treun is in a similar situation regarding organized religion . He doesn 't come from the spiritual abuse background that I do , but he 's very leery of organized religion none - the - less . Since Treun works with three men who happen to be preachers , he asked among them to see if any of them were available that day and willing to marry us . I did tell him that they needed to understand that I would have absolute say over what was and wasn 't said in our ceremony . I wanted a copy of the entire ceremony that I could red - pen . If the man was ok with my changes , then he could marry us . As it turns out only one of the men was going to be available that day . Treun explained a bit about my background to him and he agreed to let me have the chance to look over the ceremony and tell him what I thought but he couldn 't promise to take God out of it altogether because he 's a preacher . I was fine with it being a bit about God , but I didn 't want it outright about God because I didn 't want to go through a PTSD panic attack in the middle of my wedding . Treun emailed the details of the sermon to me and I printed them off at work . During lunch I read over it and got busy with my pen . " Love , honor , and obey … " NOPE ! Scratch out that " obey " cause that ain 't gonna happen . Asking who gives me away ? NOPE ! Scratch that part out because I belong to no one so no one can " give me away " to anyone else . " Submit to husband " AH , HELL NO ! 12 Therefore , as God 's chosen people , holy and dearly loved , clothe yourselves with compassion , kindness , humility , gentleness and patience . 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone . Forgive as the Lord forgave you . 14 And over all these virtues put on love , which binds them all together in perfect unity . The preacher agreed to my changes ( I will say that I used considerably more diplomatic language ) . I was still apprehensive but knew that having this man perform the ceremony would make Treun happy , so I was willing to do it for him . I did tell Treun that if the preacher added anything in there that I didn 't like , I 'd totally stop the ceremony and correct him . I may have had one or two fantasies about pushing him into the pool if he tried to throw any of that submit or obey crap in there . |
Callum woke to the sound of the lock on the door trying to turn . He blinked his eyes a few times and turned his head focusing on the door . He narrowed his eyes as he watched the knob turned and then the door open slowly . Dustin opened the door and looked in , smiling his cheery smile . Callum eased and looked at him , smiling back at him . Dustin came in , followed by Dr . Crawford . Both were smiling a bit too much . " Why hello there , Quintan , my dear fellow ! " Crawford smiled , waving a hand in the air . Callum focused more , seeing Crawford had had a few too many ales . Callum slowly moved up higher in the bed seeing him . He looked over at Dustin who was red in the cheeks , and Callum gave him a looking of understanding what had been going on . " My dear sir , I am mildly . . . lubricated for your information . " Crawford sat back and opened his eyes wider , going very slowly . " Your landlord downstairs serves a very fine ale that has quite the effect , I must say . " Crawford blinked hard . Callum smiled wider , it had been a few years since he had seen his old friend this way . Crawford could be very entertaining when drunk , Callum remembered . " A rather large . . . amount , . . . I dare say . " Crawford was weaving on the edge of the bed now . Callum chuckled and put out a hand to steady his old friend . " Yes , I can see that you have . I can also smell of it . " Callum said softly , and then looked at Dustin , who was standing there at the end of the bed . Callum was thankful he , himself , was feeling much better now , seeing the two in their condition . Dustin came to the end of the bed and stopped , grinning from ear to ear . Callum saw him and smiled back at him . " I . . . of am . . . but , here . . . of course . " Dustin was weaving really bad . Callum went to say something and Dustin fell forward to the floor with a heavy thud . " I shall return shortly , with Mr . Tomlin . " Callum said , getting into his long pants . He fastened up the flap and slipped on his buckle shoes , grimacing in pain as he did it . " Do not go anywhere until I return " Callum looked back , as he reached the door , seeing Dustin on the floor , his butt in the air , and Crawford slowly lying across the bed . " Yes , I thought as much . " Callum opened the door and went down the hallway , shaking his head . Callum came down the stairs and looked into the center room , not seeing , but hearing Tomlin first , singing loudly , and rather badly a northern ballad . Callum grimaced as he walked into the room . Some eyes went on him almost immediately . One of the singing patrons at the table blinked hard at him . " Thomas , come with me , it is time to retire to your room . " Callum said , and could hear some of the other patrons growl and grumble . " I am sorry , gentlemen , but my travelling companion has a rather long day ahead of him tomorrow . I must return him to his room . " One of the patrons stood up , squaring off with Callum . Callum narrowed his eyes on him . " Here now , none of this . I think he is right , and it is time for him to go . " Farrow said , getting in the middle of everyone . " You have all enjoyed enough of his company and his money . " Farrow said , as Callum was let go of . His eyes did not move from the patron , who settled back into the crowd . " The Captain needs his man for tomorrows journey . " " Yes , " Farrow said , getting in front of Callum , as he pulled on Tomlin , getting him away from the small crowd , " he is Captain Callum , and this is one of his officers . " Farrow said softly . One could have heard a pin drop on the floor when Farrow said that . All eyes went wide , and Callum realized that all of them were sailors of one sort or another . They all began to tip their hands toward Callum . Callum nodded to some of them as he pulled at Tomlin , who was struggling against him slightly . " Farrow , I think I will require your assistance , if you please . " Callum huffed a little , as Tomlin was struggling more . Farrow turned and saw the slight struggle and Callum was weakening from it . He turned back . " Of course , sir . " They tipped their hands and took Tomlin from Callum , putting his arms over their shoulders , swinging Tomlin around . They bowed their heads toward Callum slightly . " I 'm sorry , sir , we didn 't know , sir . " " It 's quite alright , as I seem to be out of uniform . " Callum said and looked at Farrow and nodded his head , but gave him a look , a stern look , chastising Farrow . Farrow frowned and looked away in slight shame . Callum turned and followed the two men carrying his officer up the stairs . " The last door on the left there , gentlemen . " " Aye , sir . " They both chimed , making their way . They reached the door and one of them opened it , it was slightly dark inside . They pulled Tomlin in and got him inside as Callum followed them in . " Yes , sir . " as they turned and lowered Tomlin down away from them , letting him mumble and groan as he went to the bed . Callum watched from the door for a moment and went to his own door , opening it , seeing Crawford still on the bed and Dustin , butt still in the air , on the floor , sound asleep . Callum shook his head at the sight before him , chuckling softly . He crossed the room and reached for his purse on the table , pulling out a note from it and went back to the door as the pair emerged from Tomlin 's room . They looked and saw the others in Callum 's room . Callum looked back over his shoulder at what they were looking at . " Hmmm , I must remember to mention that to him when he has his wits about him . " Callum frowned and then looked at the pair , handing them the note . " Here , this is for your trouble , lads . You can continue your revelry downstairs on me . " " Well , you have a good night , and thank you for what you 've done . " Callum smiled . They smiled back and tipped their hands . Callum watched them walk away down the hall , looking at the note as they walked , Callum smiled . He walked into the slightly dark room of Tomlin 's , seeing the sleeping , moaning form on the bed . Callum lit a candle on the side table , then turned , to pull Tomlin 's clothes off his limp body . " Thomas , can you hear me ? " Callum whispered softly at Tomlin 's ear , making his face move and smile . He nodded slightly . " Good . I need to get you undressed and into bed . " " Yes , Thomas , alone . " Callum said softly . " Now , let me sit you up , come along . " Callum pulled him , and Tomlin sat up slowly , smiling . " Help me here with these . " Callum whispered . " Yes , I 'll take you to bed , and let you sleep until morning . Now , you need to help me . Be a good lad . " Callum said , peeling the jacket off him , and tossing it away . Callum undid the tie on Tomlin 's shirt and opened it and lifted the shirt after pulling it from his pantlets . Callum smiled as Tomlin was trying to hum the ballad he was singing badly when he found him . Callum tossed the shirt away to the floor behind him . He went down and slipped off Tomlin 's buckled shoes , dropping them to the floor , then pulled the stocking down a little and then off him , he reached for the flap of the pantlets and undid them , and pulled Tomlin up to his feet letting them fall down his legs until the edge of the bed stopped them . Callum set Tomlin back on the bed , and pulled the pantlets off him fully and tossed them aside . Tomlin was naked as a newborn in front of Callum and he sighed and pulled back the covers , then helped Tomlin into the bed , then covered him up . Tomlin reached out and clasped Callum 's hand , stopping him . " Thank you , Chrsitian . " Tomlin said quietly and Callum stopped , looking down at his young officer . Callum patted the back of Tomlin 's hand that held his . Tomlin released the grip and went limp . Callum let it go , laying it on the bed . Callum walked to the door and walked across to his room , hearing the revelry continuing downstairs as he slowed through the hall , smiling slightly to himself . He walked in and went to the far side of the bed , looking down at his old friend , Crawford , shaking his head . Callum wanted to get him into Tomlin 's room and onto the bed to let him sleep it off , so Callum could get Dustin up off the floor and into their bed . Callum reached down for Crawford . " Captain Callum , I would have words with you . " Came a voice from the door that was more of a growl . Callum did not look up from Crawford . " You will give me satisfaction for the death of my brother , you black hearted son of a bitch . " The words and the tone struck Callum and he lifted his eyes slowly , seeing only the glint of steel in the late afternoon light from the window that was to his right . Callum looked right quickly , flashing his eyes and saw his sword standing there next to the table and reached for it . He was able to raise it just in time to block the downswing , the blade hitting Callum 's scabbard with a dull thud . Callum pushed back and the man jumped back a step , holding his sword in the air . " Know that I am the man who is going to finish what was started on you several days ago . " He growled . Callum 's eyes flashed as he flung the scabbard off his blade , letting it hit the wall hard and clatter to the floor , swinging it back . " You don 't deserve it . " He growled and lunged , Callum swung up and blocked it , making a loud clang . Crawford on the bed , heard it in the back of his mind and blinked his eyes , knowing the sound . Callum and the intruder continued to strike , lunge , parry , block each other with the fine blades they each possessed . Each was beginning to breathe hard , but Callum was having more difficulty as his stitches were so tight in his chest . He had to calm himself to survive this , he knew it , and he needed help , desperately . The two kept going at one another , swinging , blocking , thrusting , blocking , thrusting , parry , slash as Callum was backing him toward the door , hoping to force him out to the hall , but Tomlin 's door was open , and he needed protecting in his current state as well . Callum kept going with the attack now , not staying with defense at all , lunging , slashing , driving the intruder away as they entered the hallway . Callum kept pushing and the larger man was falling back . Crawford was blinking his eyes , lying on the bed , hearing the clanging of metal , and knew exactly what it was . He licked his lips and rolled slightly to the edge of the bed , trying to get up . His head was spinning and he groaned loudly . " You will die slowly as he did ! One piece at a time ! " The intruder said loudly and it echoed through the hall . He was trying to press his attack , but Callum made sure to keep him on the defensive , driving him back down the hall toward the top of the stairs . The fight continued as Crawford staggered to the doorway and saw what was happening , going wide eyed . " Dear God , . . . Quintan ! " Crawford saw the fight going on and looked back in the room , " Perkins ! " Crawford screamed , making Dustin go wide eyed on the floor , immediately awake , " The Captain ! " Crawford screamed and turned to the right , seeing the open door and the body lying in the bed " Tomlin ! " Crawford screamed at the top of his lungs , Tomlin 's eyes opened wide , and he tried to focus on the sound of the scream . " The Captain ! " Crawford screamed again , and Tomlin threw back the covers and leaped out of bed . He and Dustin reached the hallway at the same time , looking in the direction Crawford was , seeing Callum engaged in a fight , a huge fight , metal clanging and Callum 's naked back as the intruder was doing his best to fight off Callum . The door to the right opened near the top of the stairs and a voice yelled , " Ezri ! " The intruder was startled and lowered his guard for a moment and Callum lunged , running the intruder through in the left shoulder making him groan and scream loudly . Callum pulled back and was at the ready again , holding out his sword tip , as the intruder buckled slightly and leaned away . The voice appeared in the form of a brilliant cloak and grabbed the intruder and started down the stairs quickly , Callum was right behind them , Crawford looked at Tomlin and Dustin , and they followed the Doctor down the hallway , reaching the top of the stairs , watching as Callum went on the attack again in the lobby area outside of the center room , pressing the two to the door to the inn . " Quintan ? ! " Farrow called out , going wide eyed , seeing the half - naked form swinging a sword , clanging against more metal , not being able to see who was fighting back . Callum grunted and lunged and there was another groan and scream from the move , and Callum pulled back , but held his sword up still in an offensive posture , waving it about slightly . Callum could hear several voices behind him now , drawing closer to him , and he eased slightly , but kept his tip up . " You have nowhere else to go , surrender yourself and I will make sure your wounds are tended to . " Callum said with great pain in his chest . " You must surrender , you are severely outnumbered . " " I will never surrender , as long as there is breath in my body . You have blackened my family , our name . You will pay for that ! " " You will know soon enough . " He groaned in a growl and Callum was met with a blast of cool air as the door to the inn was opened . The figure in the cloak was pulling the intruder from behind , making his sword tip lower . Callum moved closer toward him , trying to keep him close , but couldn 't . Their sword tips clanged together a few more times , and then they were gone in the dark of the late afternoon . Callum lept out into the street and looked in either direction , but they disappeared completely . Callum lowered his sword and stepped back into the inn . He was met by several pairs of wide eyes , Dustin , Tomlin , who was completely naked , Crawford , and Farrow , along with most of the singing patrons that Callum had interrupted earlier . Callum smiled briefly , and now that the danger to himself and the others was passed , he eased and began to weave , lowering his sword , letting it drag across the floor and Callum 's eyes slowly closed and he felt hands on him as he fell forward . Callum opened his eyes slowly , seeing Crawford over the top of him , looking back with a frown and narrowed eyes . " I think I 'm in one piece , thanks to the good doctor here . " Callum smiled briefly and saw Tomlin out of the corner of his eye . He rolled his head , seeing Tomlin and Farrow beyond . " Farrow , " Callum sighed , " who was he ? " " I 'm not sure , Quintan . " Farrow said in a rather curt tone , " They arrived just before you and Master Perkins did . They kept to themselves for the most part . Did he say anything ? " " Lay still , Quintan . " Crawford said . " I need to check some of your stitches . I may need to sew you up again . I warned you about moving about . " " I should let you bleed . " Crawford frowned , and then he turned . " Farrow , I shall require hot water and some clean linens for his wounds . I will need to sew him up again , as he has pulled himself open . Also , I shall require large amounts of coffee to clear my head . " " Right away , Doctor . " Farrow nodded his head , and then raised his eyebrow to Callum . " You know , I try and run a quiet house . " " Yes , actually . Open my bag and hand me the small brown bottle out of it . " Crawford said . Dustin did what was asked , handing the bottle to Crawford . " Quintan , this make you sleep . I want you to drink a rather large amount of it . I shall have to work on you for quite some time to repair what has already been done , do you understand ? " Callum nodded . " Yes , but not like this . Your lung is your chest is leaking out air , making it hard for you to breathe , isn 't it ? " Callum nodded . " Yes , that is why your chest was so tight earlier . I will have to work on you most of the night . This will make you sleep , deeply , and slow your breathing . You may not wake for more than a day or two . This is far worse than when we aboard the Dover . I cannot guarantee your survival over this , do you understand ? " " I have no choice , do I ? " Callum asked . Crawford shook his head . " I trust you will do what you can , Arthur ? " Callum smiled and then drank deeply from the small bottle . He handed it back to Crawford , making a face , then looked at Dustin , reaching out a hand . Dustin took it and sat next to him on the bed . " Dustin , I love you so . " Callum whispered . " Always remember that for all your days , and all your nights . I will always be with you . " Callum smiled as his eyes became heavy and he drifted away , his mouth falling open slightly . " Quintan . " Dustin whispered , squeezing Callum 's hand in both of his . Dustin was looking at Callum , his eyes watching for any sign at all , " Quintan ? ! " Crawford put a hand to Dustin 's shoulder and squeezed it . " He can 't hear you , lad . I 'll do my best for him , but I can make no promises . He has been living on borrowed time as it is already . Now , let me get to work on him . If either of you wish to stay , you are more than welcome , if not , stay out of my way so I can set to it . " Crawford said , and Dustin got up off the bed slowly , letting Callum 's hand go , lowering it to the bed . Dustin sobbed as he turned and Tomlin grabbed him gently and pulled him to him , holding him , patting his shoulder as Tomlin watched Crawford begin . " Come with me Dustin , let us leave the Doctor to his work . " Tomlin said softly . " The Captain is in good hands . We must be more guarded now with this threat about us . We shall go downstairs and have coffee to clear our heads . " Tomlin turned and led Dustin out of the room , across the hall to his . Tomlin had Dustin sit on the bed as he dressed . " Do not worry yourself so , he will be alright . " " Yes , I 've seen it before , yesterday when I walked with them on the docks going to the Harbor Master 's office . " Tomlin said softly , finishing his dressing . " I wonder . Why don 't we have a look in their room ? Perhaps there is something there that will tell us who they are ? " Dustin got up off the bed , and followed Tomlin out and down the hallway . " Ezri , you are a fool ! " Maupin said as he looked at the wounds , trying to stop the bleeding . " Now , I must find you a surgeon . " " You seized your own anger , do not lie to me . You have jeopardized everything we are trying to accomplish . Now , I must start all over . " " Do not give me false apologies , they will fall on deaf ears . " Maupin growled and then backed up . " I do not care one way or another if you live or die at this point , Ezri . Your fate is now out of my hands . Callum is alerted to us and will be on guard from now on . " " You believe that ? You trust that ? I cannot . There is too much at stake to make false assumptions . We may be hunted and very soon . We have to get out of Portsmouth now . Callum may have Marines looking for us . Do you wish to die in a military cell ? Or be hanged ? " " No , Maupin , not before Callum dies . " Ezri groaned , looking down at his wounds . Maupin put a hand over them and gripped them hard , making the man crumble in pain . " Then you will listen to me , and you will do exactly what I say word for word , step for step , do you understand ? Or I will let them have you myself . " Maupin was up in Ezri 's scarred face , seeing tears of pain roll out of his eyes . Maupin let him go and stood straight over the top of him . Ezri crumbled further and sat down against the wall of the building , breathing hard . " Now , pull yourself together and let us find some means of getting to London . " Maupin said as he put the hood of the brilliant cloak back over the top of his head . He walked away , with Ezri following him , holding his shoulder . Dustin sat at the table and just stared blankly at it . Farrow had come back from upstairs and Crawford , seeing Dustin and Tomlin sitting there . Other patrons moved about them , looking at them from time to time as well , seeing the sadness of Dustin as he sat there in silence . Farrow walked up to the table . " May I get you some supper ? " Farrow asked , Tomlin looked up at Farrow and then over at Dustin , and then shook his head slightly . " I 'll bring some coffee , it appears it 's going to be a rather long night again . " Farrow said softly and walked away . One of the patrons came to the table , tipping his hand , Tomlin making eye contact with him . " Thank you , yes he is . " Tomlin gave him a brief smile . Tomlin watched as the man walked away toward the front door of the end . Farrow returned with a tray with coffee and cups , setting it down in front of them . " I have seen Quintan in worse condition , I assure you . He will survive this , my lad , fear not . He is in good hands . No one knows him better than Dr . Crawford . He has been tending to Quintan for years . " Farrow said softly , putting a hand on Dustin 's shoulder , giving it a gentle squeeze . " Oh , by the way , a parcel was delivered for him some time ago . I have it behind the bar . " Dustin lifted his eyes . Farrow smiled . " Perhaps you should take it upstairs after you have had your coffee and cleared your head ? " " Yes , thank you . " Dustin said and then looked at Tomlin , who poured coffee for them both . Farrow walked away . Dustin could hear the sounds of conversation behind him and was feeling rather groggy . He could hear a word now and then as they were discussing Callum and the fight that they had seen . Dustin tried to block it out but couldn 't as he sat there . Crawford was doing his best to seal the leaking of Callum 's lung . There was so much blood that the mattress was going black , and the linens were ruined at this point . Crawford dabbed a wet cloth trying to find the hole that he had missed which was causing the problem . He dabbed the wet cloth again , and more blood came , again , and again , and then he saw it . He went at it with needle and thread as fast as he could , hearing the leak as well as seeing it in the quiet of the room , the air making the blood bubble around it , and then finally it began to slow and then stop the more strokes that Crawford made with the needle and thread . He sat back and watched it for a long moment to make certain . He was finally satisfied from it , and then began to close Callum up , having to truly work hard to try and hit new skin with every stick of the needle , pulling the thread tighter , making the stitches small this time and tighter . He knew Callum would have trouble with it being this tight , but it couldn 't be helped . Crawford sat back , wiping the blood from the skin gently with a wet cloth , watching for any bleeding , there was none , and Crawford sighed . He looked out the window next to him , seeing it was dark outside . He looked back down at his old friend and shook his head at him . There was a soft knock at the door . Crawford got up and walked to it , opening it . " Yes , actually there is , Farrow . The mattress is soaked with blood I 'm afraid . I would hate to let him lie in it for very long . " " Not very much . I 'm afraid that it will rip out the stitches that I have put into him . " Crawford said , looking back at Callum . " Well , then perhaps I can get a different mattress from one of the other rooms . I 'll have the lads give me a hand with it . Would you care for some supper , Doctor ? You have been working for quite some time . " " I shall return shortly then . " Farrow said and walked away back down the hall . Crawford closed the door quietly and walked back over toward the bed . He pulled the chair from the small desk and set it near the bed , sitting on it , watching Callum breathe slowly . " Dr . Crawford is done with his work . He requires assistance from us , if you will be so kind . " Farrow said , making Dustin and Tomlin jump up from the table . The three went back upstairs and knocked on the door , then Farrow opened it . They all walked into the dimly lit room , bathed in low candlelight as it danced on the walls about them . " How do you want to do this , Doctor ? " Farrow asked . " I think we need to get him on something stiff to keep his motion to a minimum . Then we should be able to lift him . The new mattress can be placed under him at that point and we can place him on it . " " I have a rather large board downstairs in the kitchen which we use for kneading bread . It should take more than half of him , I would think . " Farrow said . " I 'll show them which one to get while I get the board . " Farrow said and turned with Dustin and Tomlin following him . Farrow opened the door across the hall next to Tomlin 's room . " Grab that mattress if you will and get it into your room , Dustin . I 'll be back in a couple of minutes . " Farrow said and set off down the hallway . Tomlin and Dustin set about it , stripping the bed in the room and struggled to get the mattress off the bed . They got it and carried it across the hallway and into the room , laying it near the bed that had Callum on it . Dustin stared at him , his color was drained from him , and it was like he was dead , barely breathing . Dustin looked up at Crawford giving him a worried look . " He will sleep for a day or two from what I gave him . It was very potent . He will need constant watching while he sleeps . When he wakes he might thrash about a bit , and must be kept still . The drug in him will do that as it sparks the mind when he wakes . He may be very violent , I must warn you , he will need to be restrained and controlled . " Crawford said as Farrow walked back into the room , carrying the large board . There were two other men with Farrow as well . " Good , alright we must get him on the board first . Let 's roll him gently , Farrow get the board behind him , that 's right , now , let 's roll him back . Good , now let 's lift him at the same time , do not let his legs get away from you as it will pull on his chest . We 'll take him off on this side , then you can pull the mattress and get the new one on the bed . Ready ? Lift . " Crawford said and it was done carefully , slowly , they all moved as one and took Callum to the edge and off . Hands grabbed the soaked mattress and pulled it off and the new one was quickly put in place and pat flat with the heavy down in it . " Excellent . Alright let 's set him down on the old one here . Farrow do you have new linens as well ? " " Yes , just a moment . " Farrow said and grabbed at a stack just inside the door he had brought up earlier . He spread one out quickly over the mattress and smoothed it . " Alright , let 's lift him again lads , slowly , keep him straight and stiff , that 's right , now over to the bed , in the center now , that 's right , now down , and let 's roll him to take out the board . Very good , here 's your board , Farrow . Now , let 's roll to his back , easy . Excellent . Let me check him for bleeding . " Crawford said and looked Callum over slowly in the candlelight as the group stood back away from the bed . " I don 't see any bleeding . I think he 'll be alright . " Crawford said as he watched Callum breathe for a long moment , seeing the rise and slow fall of his chest and stomach . " Alright , you may cover him and make him look comfortable , Mr . Perkins . " Crawford said softly . " I will sit with him for a while longer . I want to make sure that no bleeding begins . Farrow would you bring up some more coffee and that super that you offered ? " " Yes of course , Doctor . " Farrow nodded . " Would you lads help me get this mattress out of the room ? " All hands were on it and the darkened linens . They carried it out as Crawford settled back on the chair again beside Callum , being left alone with him . " It is amazing to me , Quintan , you command such respect even when you are at your lowest point . They all care about you greatly , especially young Perkins . I warned you about him , to be careful about him , but I seem to have been wrong . He is more loyal than any dog , and you are a lucky man to have the love and loyalty that he shows for you , truly very lucky indeed . " Crawford said softly as he sat back in the chair . " I 'm not certain why that man decided to fight with you , but I for one was certainly glad you were able . You handle a sword , sir , like a devil , truly with a masterful hand . " Crawford smiled , watching Callum 's face in the soft candlelight . " I wonder what His Lordship is going to say about this now . " Crawford smiled wider and shook his head . " I wonder indeed . " Crawford looked up seeing Farrow come in through the open door . " Excellent , Farrow , I thank you . " Crawford said as he stood up from the chair . Farrow walked around the bed and went to the small desk and set the tray on the edge , unloading it . " That smells wonderful . What is that ? Roast Beef ? " " Yes , with boiled potatoes from the north and some black pudding . There is also some yeast bread as well , that he baked this afternoon . He does quite well in the kitchen . " Farrow said as he backed away from the desk . " I would put up more of a fight than Quintan did earlier over that , I assure you . " Farrow said softly , making Crawford chuckle as he pulled the chair back to the desk . " He is the only reason why I keep the inn . Without him , my reputation would be nothing but a sloppy tavern . " " That he does , and takes great pride in it as well . I am most fortunate to have him . " Farrow smiled . " Will you require anything else ? " " I will do that , Doctor . Now , I will have our young lads have theirs as well , even if they do not want it . They haven 't eaten since this morning , and as it 's going to be a long night for them . . . " " Yes , it is . " Crawford said as he put a piece of beef in his mouth and moaned at the taste . Farrow smiled and walked out of the room , looking as Callum as he went by . Farrow came off the stairs and into the center room , seeing several of his patrons sitting , talking , and laughing amongst themselves . He smiled at Dustin and Tomlin , who had returned to a table after removing the destroyed mattress . They were chatting amongst themselves as Farrow walked around the long counter and toward the kitchen . Dustin sat back in his chair , shaking his head . " I only wished that I had paid more attention to them when they were here . We found nothing in their room to tell us anything about them . " " I can understand that , my lad , however after having a rather large amount of the ale earlier today and only eating this morning , you are hereby ordered to eat supper per instructions from the good Doctor , as it will be a rather long night with you having to keep watch over the Captain . Add to that , my cook has gone to considerable trouble to make this roast beef the best in the area , and if you think Carson has knives in the galley , I 'm sure that after a showing of the meat cleavers that my cook keeps will spur you to even greater fear . " Farrow said , looking down at both of them , with a soft smile . " Do enjoy your supper , gentlemen . " Farrow nodded slightly and walked away . Dustin and Tomlin looked at each other with wide eyes . " Do you want to find out ? " Tomlin asked in return . Dustin shook his head as they began to eat rather quickly . Farrow smiled at them from across the room , as he watched from the corner of the long counter . He turned and walked back to the kitchen and set the tray down . He went back behind the bar and poured a couple of more ales for some patrons and set them on the counter , receiving some coin in return and a nod . The sounds of the waves and the creaking and moaning of the deck was all that could be heard by every man aboard . They were all silent in their vigil of listening to what was out there in the dark . The man standing near the Mizzen stepped forward quietly and leaned a little . " Aye . " The voice in the dark next to him said just as soft . The wheel made a slight grinding sound as it was held tight , keeping the small ship on its course . " We should see something shortly , I should think . " He said softly , more to himself than anyone else about him in the dark . He stepped forward once as if to see better in the darkness as if it were bringing him closer to what he wanted to see . " Sir ! " Came the voice in the dark to his right , and he snapped his head as if to yell back at it in anger as they were all knocked off their feet by the impact . He struggled to get back to his feet as he heard voices in the dark , lots of them , and then another violent collision , making him stagger and lose his balance . He reached out and grabbed for anything that might be there to stabilize himself , but there was nothing . The sounds of ropes going tight and then another bump and then wood creaking loudly and grinding against itself , sounds of metal thumping against wood and he knew , and his eyes went wide . " We are boarded ! " He yelled and went toward the starboard side and was knocked back to the deck , stunned by the blow to his head . He shook his head as if to clear it and tried to get to his feet , but was knocked hard in the back with something heavy , taking the wind from him . He let out a grunt from the blow and the pain and crumbled to the deck hitting it hard with his face . " Kill every crewman , but bring me the officers ! I want them alive . " The deep French voice called out over the voices around him and then those voices began to scream and yell as they poured over the side of the small ship , using swords and axes , the crew in the dark tried to fight for their very lives but were cut down . Those that tried to surrender were slaughtered instantly by the screaming voices , no mercy was shown at all . Screams of agony could be heard from everywhere and then they slowly were silenced . " Light the lanterns ! " The deep voice yelled out . " Search everywhere , find them all , kill them or bring them here ! Search the Captain 's cabin for the dispatch box ! " He groaned as he was rolled hard to his back . He blinked his eyes hard as he was drug to his feet . He looked around and saw several men about him , none of them he recognized at all . His hair was grabbed and pulled violently as he was pushed while he was held by the arms going toward the rail of his ship . He was groaning from the harsh treatment he was feeling , and then was rammed against the rail , it hitting him in the lower stomach . He coughed and groaned from the impact of it and then he was drug up over the top of the rail , making him stand , being balanced with hands on him to steady him . The one who held his hair let go and spun him around . He saw the dirty gritty face in front of him and then felt the rope go around his neck in a loop , he took in a quick deep breath and felt it tighten . He heard more screams from down below and then he looked into the eyes of the dirty face and the lips curled back as if they were going to smile at him , showing blackened and missing teeth , the lips curled into a grin , and the dirty face spat in his face and he was pushed off the rail , choking and kicking as he swung through the air , closing his eyes as he grabbed at the rope about his neck , feeling it being stretched and the air being cut off , as he kicked and struggled and then he felt hands touch him , and then he thudded to the deck heavily and the rope released its tension allowing him to breathe deeply , but he coughed as well over and over and spat on the deck . " Why my dear Capitaine , " The deep voice said over the top of him , " all I want is information . Tell me what I want to know and I will spare the lives of your officers . " He said as his voice grew closer . The Captain looked up and saw the large man was starting to kneel down in front of him . He had an evil grin . " You hear that , mon Capitaine ? That is the sound of another of your crew being perhaps chopped to pieces , dying slowly , in agony . Do you want that for your officers ? " " Ah no ? Of course I can mon Capitaine , this is war ! Is it not ? You English think you can rule the seas , choke us off by taking our trade from us , cutting off our supplies , making women and children starve to death , no ? I will tell you what I can do , but mostly , . . . I will show you what I can do . " He said as a young man was dragged up behind him . He turned and smiled at the young man , who had fear in his eyes , a wild look about him . He licked his lips quickly and saw his Captain on the deck , struggling . " Because you are English , you are born liars , you live your lives as a lie . You would not know the truth if it was right in your face ! " He pulled the sword fully from the scabbard , flashing its brilliant steel in the dim light of the lanterns . " Tell me , mon Capitaine , or I will have to be more persuasive . " " Le Capitaine ici est la boite a documents . " A man said handing a small wooden box out to the man . He looked at it and then at the Captain as he was still on the deck , trying to get up , another man put a foot in his back kicking him back to the deck . " Tres bien . " He muttered and opened it . He looked at the contents , seeing only a couple of letters , he took one and scanned it , then dropped it . He took the other and scanned it and looked down at the Captain on the deck , then dropped the letter . " These tell me nothing . They tell me only where you are to go and why . You are not being very cooperative . " He said and then looked at the young man being held up near him . The look of fear was still all across his face , and then his hair was grabbed and pulled back hard , making him grunt , while still watching the big man with the sword . " This will be your last chance to answer me , Capitaine . Tell me what I want to know or . . . ? " He slowly raised the point of his sword , it flashed in the dim light , the Captain on the deck watched and went to scream out , when the sword flashed and the young man screamed in agony , the sword ran through him in the upper thigh region near his hip . The big man turned and looked down at the Captain on the deck who watched with horror . The big man pushed the sword deeper still running it all the way through the young man 's leg , out the other side . His face was pulled , frozen , into a silent scream over the pain , holding his breath for as long as he could . " Now , tell me what I want to know . If I pull out my blade this boy will bleed to death in a matter of moments , as one of his major arteries has been most likely severed . We can of course try and save him , but only if you tell me what I want to know . What will it be Capitaine ? His life , or his death . . . on your hands . " The big man looked down and watched the Captain on the deck begin to crumble in front of him , the horror of it all coming together in scant seconds . " Please . . . you must stop this . I 've told you I have no idea where they are ! Please , you must . . . " The sound and the gasp happened at the same time , the blade pulled , the boy gasped and his hair was let go . His eyes rolled in his head , and he looked down with a blank expression , seeing his Captain before him , who was looking up at him with pleading eyes , telling him silently that he was sorry without words . The boy choked softly and then gurgled in his throat , his mouth slightly open and then the color drained from him , and he slumped in the arms of those who held him . " Ah , too bad . He seemed like such a nice young man . Hmmm , bring me another , and throw this one over the side . " He waved his hand in the air . He looked down at the Captain , and stepped on his fingers , making them crunch under his foot , the Captain screamed as fingers were broken from the weight and position . " I am so sorry to do this to you , but you leave me no choice at all . If you would only tell me what I wish to know , we would be on our way , and you may sail to wherever your heart will send you , perhaps back to London ? I understand that the ladies there are in the change of the season for their dresses , from spring to summer , ah the fabrics will be soft and light and they will be wearing . . . less , no ? " He smiled and ground the fingers again , making the Captain scream as another young man was brought close , his eyes were wide as he had seen his companion thrown over the side as he was brought onboard . " And who have we here ? Another fine young man , in the service of His Majesty ? Hmmm , how nice , he looks in his uniform , no ? " He moved his foot from the Captain 's hand , raising his sword to the boy 's throat , putting the tip into the skin , making the boy gasp , cutting him . " Oh , oh , oh , we have had an accident already , my apologies , " He shook his head , " I should have been more careful where I was stepping , no ? You are getting blood on your white shirt , no ? Hmmm . " He looked back down at the deck , " Now , Capitaine , shall we do this again ? Tell me what I want to know , or I will be forced to do something a little more drastic , like cutting him a little at a time , making him bleed a little more with each cut , going deeper and deeper each time . Won 't you tell me ? Is not this boy 's life important to you ? " " You French bastard , " the Captain growled , as he rolled to sit up , holding his crushed hand to him with the other , " I have told you over and over I know nothing . We are on a supply mission heading north . Those letters told you that , if you can read English . " He spat out . He struggled to get to his feet , the men around him grabbed him , but the big man held out a hand to stop him . " Why won 't you listen ? ! " The Captain growled , getting close , snarling . " You can 't treat my officers this way ! " " You mean . . . like this ? " He stabbed the young boy low , through the groin deep , making the boy scream in pure agony , the Captain 's went wild eyed and he tried to move , but was held back by the men behind him . " Or , . . . like this ? " He pulled his sword out , making the boy groan , and then thrust it in higher , making the boy choke on his own scream , and then gasp , going wide eyed . The Captain 's eyes were full of tears and he screamed for him to stop . " No , no , no , mon Capitaine , this boy is suffering now , and we must take care of him , no ? " He turned and looked at his men , " Take this boy to the bow of the ship and see if there is something there that will make him . . . better ? " They grinned an evil grin each and drug the boy off . The Captain watched through tears as the big man turned and saw his face . " Mon Capitaine , I have asked , I have almost begged you , and still you do not tell me what I want to know . How can you be so cold , so uncaring of your men ? All you need to do is tell me , and we will be on our way , I give you my word . " " Your word ? I suppose , as a gentlemen ? You frog bastard ! " The Captain growled and spit at him . " You are a true son of a bitch ! " The big man was enraged by being spit on , and then the insult to his mother ? He backhanded the Captain hard , knocking him back into the men that held him . The big man hit him across the eye with the pommel of his sword blowing out the skin , blood going everywhere . The Captain growled . " French scum , you only know how to butcher and torture , you 're not a man , but a woman , the way you fight . You kill innocent boys , who are no more than children . Have you no honor ? You fuck ! " The Captain spit , again , this time there was blood on the jacket of the big man . He looked down at it and became enraged , running his sword into the Captain 's stomach , making him go wide eyed . He pulled back , and the men let him go . " Still you make the brave noise of the English , the sound like a dog guarding his bone , no ? You wish to attack me ? Well then , mon Capitaine , I give you the chance , no ? " He held out his hands wide , lowering his sword , and the Captain stepped forward . The big man flashed his sword hard cutting across the Captain , slicing deep through his stomach , he groaned and kept coming , another hard slash on the return , higher across the chest and his eyes closed , he reached out with his good hand and the sword flashed and the hand was gone , it hitting the deck , his eyes went wider than they had ever been before and he dropped to his knees , gasping for breath . " You do not make that brave sound anymore , mon Capitaine . Have you lost your voice ? " He looked down , and then at his men , " Help the Capitaine to find his voice . Possibly in the water ? Yes , I think the cold water will help him . " He grinned slightly and stepped out of the way as they drug the Captain off toward the bow . " Cut us loose from this English trash and set sail . We must find another ship to get our answers , no ? " He turned and placed his red coated blade back in its scabbard as his crew got to work . " Take a pennant and toss it aboard the English ship , to let them know we were here , no ? " He said to one of his men who nodded with an evil grin . Callum was breathing easier as he moved his head slightly side to side , licking his lips . His eyes were moving to and fro under his lids and he was trying to say something but couldn 't . His hand moved about on top of the covers and he started to make soft sounds in the back of his throat . The eyes were moving faster and faster back and forth and then the lids opened , and he tried to focus in the dim light about him . He opened his mouth and slowly he began to moan and then to scream . It was deep and long . His eyes opened and he jumped hearing the scream and he leaped out of the chair and to the bed , coming beside him , holding him on the shoulders as he tried to calm him , talk to him , calling out his name as the screams continued and continued . The door opened and Tomlin rushed in , carrying a sword , out and ready , tip up . He looked and saw Dustin on the bed trying to hold Callum down as he was screaming . Tomlin rushed over , dropping his sword and climbed up on the bed next to Callum , calling out to him by name , trying to calm him . " I don 't know ! " Dustin yelled and then the screaming stopped . They looked at Callum and then at each other , waiting like there might be another round coming , Callum was wide eyed and breathing hard under the covers , as Dustin held his shoulders down to the bed . " Take your hands off me ! " Callum yelled , looking up at the ceiling , " Take your hands off me ! " He screamed loudly , " I 'll kill you first ! Take your hands off me ! " Dustin was wide eyed and horrified and backed up , getting off the bed . Callum sat up like it was no effort at all and he looked angry or beyond enraged . Both Tomlin and Dustin could see the look and had seen it before , the night they were boarded by the French and Callum became like a madman . He looked exactly that way now , and Callum came at them in a rage , he tossed Dustin to the wall like he was nothing and grabbed Tomlin by the throat with his hands , forcing him back toward the door . Tomlin hit the wall next to the door and Callum turned with him , backing up to the doorway . Callum squeezed harder and Tomlin was gasping , trying to get air while he had Callum 's wrists trying to pull them off him . Dustin was shaking his head and getting to his feet , seeing what was happening and charged toward Callum and Tomlin , when Dustin saw the hand and the glint of something from the doorway and Callum closed his eyes and fell sideways toward the floor , Tomlin gasping for air as he grabbed Callum and stopped him from falling further . Farrow stepped into the doorway and looked at the three of them . " This pewter pitcher , that was in the next room at the door . " Farrow said holding it up , looking it over , and then back down at Dustin . " I didn 't kill him , did I ? " " No , he still breathes . " Tomlin said softly . " My God he has a grip . My throat is going to be bruised for a month . " Tomlin said in a graveled voice now . " Yes , you ? " Tomlin asked , Dustin nodded his reply . " He is incredibly strong , he picked you up and tossed you like a bag of potatoes . " Tomlin said , wide eyed , looking up . " Thank you Farrow , for showing up . I 'm certain he would have overpowered us , possibly even . . . " " You 're welcome . Glad I could help . Now , let 's get him back into bed , and possibly restrained so this won 't happen again . " Farrow said , as he bent down and they began to get Callum up , carrying him to the bed . They got him placed again and then Farrow went downstairs and returned after a few minutes with a coil of line . They quickly set about carefully lashing Callum down him under the covers , the line over the top , and they secure with a couple of good seamans knots , out of reach of the bed , to be safe and sure . " I will be up for a while , closing up the kitchen , the front door will be locked , so we can expect no one else for the night . You two take turns watching him , and I 'll come back up and have a go with it myself , so you may both rest , alright ? " Farrow smiled at Tomlin and then gave Dustin the same smile and a pat on the shoulder . " We 'll get him through this , I promise . Hopefully that knock to the head will slow him some for a while . " Farrow walked out of the room . " Wake me in a couple of hours . " Tomlin said , " I 'll take over for you . " Dustin smiled and nodded . He watched Tomlin walk out of the room , closing the door behind him . Dustin turned and looked at Callum , tied to the bed and gave him sad eyes . He sighed softly and went to the chair and set himself in it . He nodded off back and forth , watching Callum as he rolled his head now and again , but continued to sleep . Dustin got up and checked the time with the pocket watch that Callum kept but never used , something that he had shown Dustin once , when Dustin had first come to him in Birmingham . It had been more than three hours and he went to wake Tomlin , quietly opening the door , going to the edge of the bed calling out to him in the dark of the room . " Hmmm , alright , you get some rest here in my bed , I 'll go and sit with him . I 'll wake before dawn , and we can do this again . " Tomlin smiled putting a hand on Dustin 's soft shoulder . Dustin leaned toward him , and Tomlin smiled , giving him a gentle hug of reassurance . " It will be alright , I 'm sure . " " I 'll see you in a couple of hours . " Tomlin smiled , and Dustin nodded . He climbed onto the bed and stretch out . It wasn 't as comfortable as the other bed , but it felt good to him and he closed his eyes . Tomlin walked across the hall , looking down it , making sure there was no one there and then went in , quietly opening the door , seeing Callum , his Captain , tied down in the bed . It was a sad thing to see , but he knew it was for his own safety . Tomlin went to the chair at the small desk and sat in it , making himself comfortable , and then settled back , and got ready to set about his duty . He was nodding on and off and then he felt something , soft and warm , and then he smiled at it , thinking it was someone that he wanted to see , there it was again and then he slowly opened his eyes . He smiled seeing someone there , but not that someone , it was someone else , it was Farrow . Tomlin sat up in the chair , and cleared his throat . " He has barely stirred since I came in . I 'm sure he has been like that the whole time . Don 't worry about it . Today is Sunday , and I will keep the inn closed until mid - day out of respect for the church . You should get some rest , I will sit with him , until my cook arrives in a few hours . I expect the doctor will be coming round as well in due time . " " He will come round when his body tells him to , as he did last night or hopefully more calm than last night . We will see . Now , go rest yourself in your room , I 'll keep an eye open on him , I promise . " Farrow smiled . Tomlin got up and walked slowly toward the door , reaching it , he looked back at Farrow who was settling in the chair after he had moved it near the bed , he put his feet up on it , and settled into the back of the chair and crossed his arms over his chest , giving Tomlin a smile . Tomlin smiled back and went out the door , crossing the hall and into his own room . He came in quietly and went round the end of the bed , seeing Dustin curled up near the center and got onto the bed next to him , moving slowly so as not to disturb him . Tomlin settled down and into the pillow under his head as Dustin moved and curled up next to Tomlin , tucking himself into Tomlin 's side and Dustin let out a soft sigh . Tomlin looked down at him and smiled softly , as Dustin nuzzled in closer to him . Tomlin gave a soft chuckle and wrapped an arm around Dustin , letting him in closer to him and the newfound warmth . " And I see Arthur got his wish finally having me tied to the bed . I will have to speak to him about this . Where is the good doctor ? " " I believe that he is at home . It 's been a couple of days since he was here . " Farrow said as he pulled his feet from the bed , turning toward Callum . " I remember he had the draw on me first , and I barely got to my sword in time . He might have killed both Arthur and myself if I hadn 't have had it so handy . " Callum shifted his eyes and looked at Farrow , " Do you know who he is ? " " Maupin . . . that sounds very familiar , . . . Maupin . . . , " Callum 's eyes went wide and he struggled , " Oh my Lord ! Get me out of this bed right now ! Farrow , get this line off me ! " " Farrow , God damn it , man , get me out of this bed ! I have to get a message to the Admiralty right away ! We have to alert the Garrison ! Get the Marines ! " " Quintan , now hold on ! " Farrow said , starting to untie the line . Callum began to get his hands and arms out from under the covers , and Farrow was trying to get the line loose enough . Callum pulled himself up in the bed , groaning as he moved . " Quintan , I think this is a very bad idea ! Crawford is going to be very angry with both of us ! " Callum ignored Farrow as he worked himself out of the bed and got to the floor , he stood and looked around , not seeing his clothes anywhere . " I think they 're in the trunk . " Farrow said , watching Callum as he moved naked across the room . " Quintan , it 's been more than two days , surely they must be gone by now . " " Can you be certain of that ? Would you take that assumption ? They are here for something , Farrow , and I have to find out what it is . He 's dangerous , incredibly dangerous . He could destroy everything that the Duke might be planning . " " Do you know another ? " Callum asked as he opened the trunk . He saw the shirts in it and the pants and smiled . He grabbed a shirt and pulled it over his head and then pulled out a pair of pants and started to step into them , as the door opened . " To get back into bed ! " Crawford said with wide eyes going toward Callum , " And this very minute , Quintan , do you hear me ? " Callum turned as he was stepping into his pants with the other leg . " I do , Arthur , but there is a matter of urgency that I must take care of immediately . " Callum said as he pulled up his pants , stepping around Crawford , going for the door , " Dustin ! Thomas ! " Callum yelled at the top of his lungs . He turned back and stepped back into the room , " Farrow , my shoes ? Where the hell are my shoes ? " " Now just one damned minute ! " Crawford said loudly , his back to the door as Dustin and Tomlin came into the room with wide eyes . " What is so damned important ? ! " Callum stopped looking about on the floor and then looked at Crawford . " Do you remember the conversation we had about the captured dispatches ? " Callum asked and Crawford thought about it a moment and then nodded his head , " Remember the name . . . Maupin ? " Crawford thought and then nodded his head , narrowing his eyes , " Dustin , my shoes ? " Callum asked , looking at Dustin behind Crawford , Dustin went across the room to get them , Callum was tucking his shirt in , " Farrow just told me that the name of the man in the room with the man I fought was Maupin , and the man I fought kept saying he wanted satisfaction for his dead brother . " Callum said as buttoned up the flap . " And you think that the man you fought with is the brother of , . . . " Crawford thought about it for a long moment and then his eyes went wide , " Smythe ? Captain Smythe ? " Callum looked up from his flap , and smiled , and then nodded . " Thomas , go to the Garrison , see General Emery if you can , tell him what I think , he surely must have the report from Lt . Holt , and from Major Simmonds by now . Tell the General , I am going to the Harbor Master 's office to send word to the Admiralty . Have the General turn out the Marines . " Callum said , nodding toward Tomlin , who nodded in return . " I wounded him severely in the fight , twice . He will surely need a doctor to help with his wounds before they can move on to wherever , don 't you think ? The Marines can start with all of the doctors in Portsmouth , how many are there ? " " They can start there . We have to act fast , too much time has passed , and every moment counts now . " Callum said as he was handed his shoes . He slipped them on , using Dustin 's shoulder to steady himself . " Dustin , go down and secure a carriage , no , make that two , one for us , one for Thomas to get to the Garrison . It will be faster that way . " Callum smiled at Dustin , who nodded and he and Tomlin left the room quickly . " If I can 't get a dispatch off to the Admiralty , then I will have to see about getting to London . " " There 's a freight office a couple of streets over . They should have a coach leaving for London tonight . " Farrow said , and Callum turned to look at him . " Arthur , I may have no choice . You of all people know what this man is responsible for , what he brought , the great loss of life and destruction . He has to be stopped before he can do anything else , surely you agree with that ? " " I do , Quintan , but it is your health that concerns me more . You could start to bleed again as I have warned more than once from moving . You must give your body time to mend itself . I cannot sew you up anymore , there is nothing left to knit to , don 't you understand ? If you begin to bleed you will not survive it this time . It will be slow and very painful , and you will drown in your own blood . " " I will , I promise Arthur . " Callum smiled and patted him on the shoulder . Callum walked out of the room and out into the hallway , seeing the top of Dustin as he came up the stairs . " I hadn 't thought of it that way , no . It 's not what I want , you know that . " Callum said as they reached the stairs . " You are easy to read . " Farrow said almost in a whisper . " I 'll see you when you return . " Farrow said as Callum and Dustin went out the front door , steeping quickly to the carriage . " Harbor Master 's office , driver . " Callum said as he stepped in behind Dustin , closing the door . The carriage rocked as it pulled away from the inn and down the street . Callum settled back next to Dustin , breathing easier . " Yes , but you have not taken heed of the doctor 's advice . You could have done this with a simple note , and you know that . " Dustin looked away out the window on his side . " You . " Dustin huffed a little in his seat . " You always jump first and then something happens to make you suffer in one form or another . This will be no different . " " I do . I have seen it countless times . I could give you a day by day if you wish , starting with when Captain Powers was killed . " " I don 't believe this . " Callum said softly and sat back . " Our very existence may be at stake and you are worried about trivial matters . " " Trivial . Trivial ? " Dustin asked , getting angrier , then turning in his seat . " You wish to talk of trivial matters , . . . with me ? I will give you trivial matters , Quintan Callum , you have no idea what you do or what it means to others around you , I dare say . You always think that there is a greater cause out there , just waiting for you to do something about it , for you to act on it , you are the only one in the world that can possibly do anything . . . " " Now , just a moment . . . " Callum said , looking at a very angry Dustin , as he shifted in his seat to face him . " you know what is at stake here , and why I must do this , and don 't try and tell me that it 's because I am the only one that can . . . " " I said , shut up , we 're almost there . " Dustin said . Callum reached out and grabbed him , spinning him in the seat , they went eye to eye , Callum seeing the anger in Dustin 's eyes , and Callum realized that Dustin was trying to make a point but let his anger take him instead . Callum softened a little and then smiled softly . " Don 't be . " Callum whispered back and kissed Dustin . Dustin put his arms around Callum 's neck and pulled him to him , sliding into his lap a little as the carriage slowed and then came to a stop . They pulled back from one another . " Damn , we 're here . " Callum said and Dustin slid off him , and opened the door . Callum got out , and looked up , " Driver , would you wait ? " Callum asked and he was given a nod in reply and they walked to the door of the building . Callum walked into the office of the Harbor Master and saw a single man sitting at a desk near the corner of the office , his attention was focused on writing in the book he hovered over and did not look up . Callum saw the office next to the one they were in and looked in through the open door , not seeing anyone in there , he approached the counter that divided the room . " I beg your pardon , sir , could you tell me if the courier for the Admiralty is about ? " Callum asked . The man did not look up from his book , but stopped writing , looking annoyed at the interruption form the voice . " I say , could you be so kind . . . ? " Callum asked and then he looked up from his book . " He is not here . I believe he has gone home for the day . " He said in a rather nasty tone . He turned back to his book and continued his writing , dipping the quill in the inkwell and then tapping it slowly . Callum looked at Dustin who shrugged his shoulders . " Well , we will not get answers here , I see . Might as well be talking to a marble statue , which would have more intelligence and conversation about it but a bit less attitude . Come Dustin , let us see if Thomas is having better luck at Garrison . " Callum said as he turned and walked out of the office , Dustin following him out . They walked to the carriage , Dustin getting in , Callum telling the driver to head for the Garrison now , and he nodded . The carriage baegan to move as Callum settled into the seat next to Dustin . " Only that I think that Dr . Crawford is right and you should heed his advice about healing yourself . Quintan , don 't you understand ? You are no good to me dead . Oh , yes , I would have your memory to live with , but it is not you . " Dustin emphasized ' you ' , as he took Callum 's hand and squeezed it . " I love you more than anything else in this world , you know that , and would do anything for you , anything . You must stop this carelessness with yourself and let your body heal , please . If not for yourself , think of me . Can 't you do that ? Would you wish me to be alone , if you were to not . . . " " You 're right of course . " Callum said softly , looking at the floor of the carriage . " I was not thinking of anyone , rather only of the circumstance and the moment . " Callum looked out the window of the carriage seeing the buildings as they slid by . " Of course I would not want you to be alone in this world , Dustin , you should know better than that . " " Then change this course of action , Quintan . We will find another way to deal with this threat and these men you seek . Change it while there is time . " Dustin said , making Callum look at him . " Never change that . It 's quite endearing . " Callum smiled as the carriage slowed and kissed Dustin softly . The carriage came to a stop , and they pulled back , Dustin went to lean toward the window on his side , as the door opened . " I see . " Callum said , narrowing his eyes at the sentry , as he stood at near attention . " Thank you for your time and attention to duty , sentry . " Callum nodded . " We must have passed Thomas on our way here somewhere . We will go back to the Heritage and wait , I suppose . " Callum said softly as he looked at Dustin , then put his head out the window , " Driver , back to the Heritage Arms , if you please . " Callum said and sat back . " The report said that they had all been cut into pieces . It is apparently quite a ghastly sight , My Lord . " Collingwood said and Fitzwarren went wide eyed . " A group of fishermen , My Lord . Apparently the Airington is in a small cove and is on a rocky shoal . They alerted a detachment of Marines that are stationed near there , and they confirmed the finding and sent word . " " I see . " Fitzwarren said softly , as there was a knock on the door . " Enter ! " Fitzwarren said , seeing Barrington at the door , then Eddington . " Eddington , have you heard of this with the Airington ? " " I see . " Fitzwarren said , raising an eyebrow , knowing of the doctor that Eddington was talking about . " Well then , I suppose that I will have to gain a report by going to him . " Fitzwarren said softly . " Eddington , see to it , prepare my carriage . Collingwood , take as many men from the Valiant as you need to handle the Airington . Keep this as quiet as you can until we confirm what has actually occurred . " Single guy , fertile imagination , love to write , and write all kinds of things . Just changed the email to [ email protected ] I love to hear from you guys . Your criticism , comments , whatever is always appreciated . Have any ideas , let me know as well . Whatever I can do to help out . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
( Only works for amazon . de at the moment ) . . . because if you get to Amazon via Bellatristica , we get up to 10 % of the value of your shopping cart , without making it cost more . The same thing works from everywhere on Belle , no matter if it 's a book recommendation in our Blog or an Amazon link in a profile . Everything we earn this way , will be added to Belletristia 's development budget . Thank you very , very much ! : ) - Ben & Sebastian Okay , I understood ! over the weekend . He was already missing her , even though she hadn 't even left yet . Before Alyson had entered his life , it seemed to him now His face fell . She didn 't even want to live in the city . He still had a hard time believing in them . Though they 'd grown close in the time they 'd been together , it was as if Alyson still kept something of herself from him . Yes , he was sure he 'd love it . If she was there with him . He 'd lived all his life in the city , or rather in a suburb , but there was nothing to keep him here . Except for Julian . And he hadn 't even seen his brother since - he had to think before he calculated that his brother hadn 't been in touch for " We don 't take the same classes anymore . I think I saw him three weeks ago , but I 'm not sure . He was too far away . " There it was again . On the few occasions Alyson had mentioned his brother , her voice held a note of - coldness . Distancing . Almost contempt . So she knew about Julian being gay . Simon found it hard to believe that the warm , loving , compassionate Alyson would feel that way about gay men . In fact , if anyone had asked him , he would have said that Alyson was the least prejudiced person in the world . She certainly had just as many black and Asian friends as anyone he knew . Simon suspected - no , knew - that Julian was using drugs . Not seriously . At least he didn 't think so . Nothing really dangerous . But how could he tell if the use of those supposedly harmless drugs would one day lead to a dependency on something far more serious ? And even if Julian wasn 't a drug addict , the lifestyle still caused Simon concern . He 'd seen Julian coming out of a casino on a few occasions , always in the company of some apparently wealthy , much older man . How could his sweet , innocent little brother have changed into this ? The little girl fixed her intensely blue eyes on him and her face lit up by a very charming dimpled smile . He knew she was fond of him . Seeing her cute , elaborate walk , Simon temporarily forgot about his brother . they didn 't actually mean anything . On the other hand , he 'd never heard her say his name . For a while , it looked like the little girl was Simon was about to unlock the door for them , when the sound of a key turning in the lock startled him . Alyson had a key , but apart from her only Julian did . Was That smile was so typical of him . It always seemed to be hinting at some kind of joke . One that Simon had never figured out . But the look in his brother 's eyes told him what he already knew . He loved his older brother as much as he loved him . Again , her voice was cold and hard and Simon could see that she was dismayed to see Julian . He didn 't get it . Why was Alyson reacting that way ? ask them what was going on . Except he knew Julian . It was tricky enough to get him to answer questions . After something like this , he 'd be sure to retreat into a sulky silence for days . There was something about all this that made Simon uneasy . He 'd thought he knew all there was to know about Alyson , but he realized that she 'd told him next to nothing about her past . In their time together , they 'd focused more on the present than the past . campus . She 'd carried a newborn child in her arms , and had looked exhausted and devastated . Simon had felt impelled to offer her ride , and though she desperately wanted to manage on her own , she 'd accepted . " I 'm fine . Can I stay here for a couple of days ? Now that the wife is away , maybe you 'll have time for me . " It took Simon a few seconds for the meaning of Julian 's hint to filter through to him , but when it did , he blushed violently and let go . Julian never referred to any of his lovers . It was only after Simon had seen him with a number of men on different occasions that he 'd offered an explanation . Even if Alyson and Julian did know each other , so what ? Maybe for some reason they 'd been arguing . They had been taking the same classes for at least a year . There was no reason to suspect anything odd about that . Seeing Alyson like that had been a bad shock to him . Ever since they 'd parted , he 'd been wishing for a miracle . Something that might make her forgive him . But the way she had looked as she stared at him , made him realize that she felt only contempt for him . Revulsion . never talk to him again . On top of everything , Simon , who he trusted implicitly , had turned on him . Julian 's hardwon outer calm shattered and he spoke without thinking . This time , it took even longer for Simon to see what Julian was getting at , and now , he felt his face drain of all color . No . Julian had to be making this up . Surely that was impossible . The shock was making Simon feel weak . He wanted to sit down . But he couldn 't let this go without asking what Alyson had meant . And if he could find a way of asking , he wanted to know why he got the impression that his brother and his girlfriend knew each other far better than he 'd expected . Julian shrugged again . This was the last thing he wanted to discuss with his brother . It hurt too badly , for one thing . He also sensed that if Simon knew the truth , he 'd be hurt too and despite everything , he didn 't want that to happen . " You were involved . That 's why I met her running out of your corridor that day . She 'd been to see you . And I thought - Why didn 't you say something ? And you 're gay . " " Never mind . She was angry . And if you think we 've been seeing each other since you two got together , you 're wrong . Since she met you , I haven 't heard from her again . Even though - " Julian slumped down and Simon realized he was hurting his brother , physically and emotionally . Lamely , he let go . The sad look in Julian 's eyes was a searing reproach . This was the last thing Julian had ever wanted his brother to find out . It had been bad enough inventing the lie about being gay . He 'd half expected his uptight brother to turn away from him then . But this - He felt exactly as cheap " You 're an escort ? But that 's the same thing , isn 't it ? You have sex with those men and they pay you for it ? " " That 's usually what it means . Of course , there are services for women too . Women who like to be seen with an attractive young ' date ' . But I suspect those guys sleep with their clients too , whatever the service calls it . Not that I know . I 've never been lucky enough to work for them . They say I look too young - boyish was the word . And anyway , I know the trade . Richard dear was a very good teacher . " " Yes . I 'm sorry . She caught me with a client and guessed . Of course she figured it out and that was it . I never meant to put her at risk . And I didn 't . We 're required to use condoms and - " different if he 'd only been content with the lifestyle of an ordinary student . But his time with Richard had taught him to appreciate the luxuries of life . Expensive cars . Gambling . Speed boats . And he 'd wanted to give Alyson some of that as well . He 'd hated to see her wearing old clothes her grandmother had given her in high school . And to see her go hungry some evenings , when she didn 't have any money left until the next check . All he 'd wanted was to provide for his girlfriend . Not to mention their baby , when it became apparent that little Megan was on her way . if they were dirt poor , they 'd find a way of looking after their child . Back then , their love had been enough for Alyson . Until she 'd realized how he made a living . He 'd understood how she felt . It wasn 't really until that moment he 'd seen just how humiliated and hurt she must have been . His usual way of dealing with things had been denial . But that hadn 't been an option anymore , when Alyson packed her bags , tears streaming down her face . And he could still feel the pain of her refusal to accept his touch . In her eyes , he 'd seen his own reflection and the young man there was nothing but a cheap whore . Unclean . Unfit to be near a young mother with a baby . " No , you don 't . Of course I want you here . Don 't you dare walk away . What the hell were you thinking ? If you needed money , you should have come to me . Did you think I wouldn 't help you ? " " No . Not those kinds of drugs . I smoke a bit and I take some pills but nothing major . Don 't worry about it . I mean it . It 's just , you know , the gambling . The cars . " you to stop doing that . Stay here with me . I 'll take care of you . If you can just do without the drugs and the gambling - You know what ? Keep the car . I 'll try to help you with that . But the rest - " Julian looked at him , with the same look of infinite trust and love he had during his childhood . Somehow , he just couldn 't bear to disappoint his brother . Not now . Julian couldn 't help smiling at his older brother . He 'd been concerned that his girlfriend didn 't like his brother . It was typical of Simon to care so much . " Oh . No , she isn 't . We had a couple of mutual friends at college , who are gay . In fact , they were involved . We used to double date sometimes . It 's just that she hated me for what I was doing . And I can 't blame her for that . It wasn 't until she looked at me with that hatred and contempt in her eyes , that I really saw what I was doing . " Inside the bathroom , Julian dropped his clothes in the hamper , knowing he should get the rest of his stuff too . None of it had been washed in nearly two weeks . Wearily , he caught a sight of his own reflection in the mirror but looked away hastily . him some of his own clothes . Julian bit his lower lip . Simon was the best . Even after this , he still cared as much as always . Ever since they were children he 'd always been able to count on Simon . They 'd been He worked out , but in the past couple of weeks , he 'd noticed that he was beginning to lose weight . Maybe it was time to stop using the drugs he 'd told Simon he wasn 't using . But he 'd been telling the truth . What he was taking wasn 't harmful . It couldn 't be what was causing his weight loss . And he knew he wasn 't infected with anything . The agency insisted on regular testing for both clients and employees . He just hadn 't had much appetite lately . Julian looked at Simon , with a strange mixture of shame and relief . In a way , it was good that his brother had finally found out the truth . It would be so easy to do what he 'd always done as a child - turn over responsibility to his big brother . But he knew it wasn 't that easy anymore and never had been , since Richard had made him that proposition . When Simon smiled at him , Julian couldn 't help smiling back , though he knew he shouldn 't allow himself to let down his guard . There were things Simon didn 't know . If he knew , he wouldn 't be so cheerful . Poor Simon . He must think With a stab of pain , Julian recalled a night when Alyson had taught him how to make a delicious pasta dish , which had looked so complicated , but had turned out to be so simple after all . That wasn 't the only thing she 'd taught him that night . He knew all about sex , but that night , she 'd taught him about love , and he 'd felt that this was all he needed . To hell with the money , the cars , the casinos . It hadn 't turned out that way , but he " I see . Well , this is quite a vacation for me . For once , I don 't have to do anything , except sit back and enjoy myself . " " We 'll see about that later . In the meantime I might be able to get you a job . Though if you don 't feel up to it yet , it 's ok . We 'll manage . " What an odd twist of fate that it would be the pasta . On the other hand , why was he surprised ? If he could manage to cook that dish , of course Simon would too . had not only made that pasta dish , he 'd also mixed a delicious salad . For the first time in months , Julian felt some of his appetite returning . Even the mineral water was fine . Mineral water ? He really was back home with his brother . None of the people he usually went out with drank anything but wine , champagne or stronger stuff . On the few occasions he could find time to go out on his own , he 'd have a beer or two . " Ok , ok . Maybe we should talk about something else . I 'm sure I 'll get enough sleep here . Don 't worry about it . " They slept in separate bedrooms already ? No . That was Alyson 's independence all over again . Besides , she wouldn 't spend more than a couple of nights a week here anyway . He 'd have smiled in recognition , if it hadn 't been too painful . Simon noted to his satisfaction , that Julian went to bed almost right away . Good . It was obvious that he needed sleep . Simon sat down at his desk to grade some papers . It was funny how hard work being a teacher was . He 'd never have imagined that when he was in school . But as a temporary job , it was ok . Could have paid better , but all in all , he wasn 't complaining . He 'd What he 'd just learned about his brother had turned his world upside down . Now that he had time to think about it , he felt cold all over . His little brother being He was furious . Though he was normally very peaceable , Simon felt a strong urge to confront someone . To make someone pay for what Julian had been through . Simon sat down on the edge of the bed , feeling another momentary stab of concern when Julian automatically tensed up . But it lasted only a second . The tension was cleverly transformed into a lithe movement in the other direction , as if to give him space . " I guess so , but they 're just old photos . I don 't know anything about him . But mom - I guess I 'm just like her . " But Simon didn 't like the look on Julian 's face and he decided to stay a while longer . He didn 't try to make Julian talk anymore . Just sitting there , watching him , was enough . Suddenly an unwelcome thought intruded and it wouldn 't go away , no matter how hard he tried . Was it like this it had happened ? Richard going into Julian 's room at night ? The thought was intolerable and his face must have given the emotion away . so much he 'd even managed to accept what he did , was overwhelming . He didn 't deserve that much love . Alyson had been right to turn away from him . And mom - Torn between his spontaneous wish to pull away , and a wish to bury his face at his big brother 's shoulder , Julian did nothing . It felt comforting to have those strong arms around him . Lying like this , he could almost imagine he was eight again and had had a bad dream . Simon would sometimes let him climb into bed with him and sleep there the rest of the night , usually when Simon was too tired to sit at his bedside until he 'd gone back to sleep . Simon waited until Julian was asleep , then gently withdrew . For a while , he remained standing over the bed , to make sure he hadn 't woken his brother up . But Leaving the door open , Simon returned to his own bed , feeling wide awake and still haunted by the image of Richard standing over Julian , with an utterly different motivation . How could he ? Simon was filled with a hatred so intense , he In the morning , Julian slept late . Simon approved wholeheartedly . A good night 's sleep and a healthy breakfast was exactly what Julian needed . No drugs or alcohol , and no late evenings . It was too . He was surprised at himself . If he didn 't watch it , he 'd be forced to hang out at the gym every night . But he 'd make plans later . For a few days at least , he 'd enjoy Simon 's hospitality . Right now , he didn 't want to think about anything but the basics . Breakfast , football , tv , talking with his brother . lives . He 'd been given a chance and he 'd blown it . It was better that he just ran back to his old life , and let them get on with theirs . They felt sick . Bile rose in his throat and he thought he 'd have to throw up . But the moment passed . The pain didn 't and he looked around for something to make it stop . With shaking hands , he opened the medicine cabinet and found Simon 's razors lying on the top shelf . Yes . He didn 't have any drugs with him . It would have been rude as well as pointless to try and sneak them by big brother 's watching eyes . This would have to do . The anticipation made his shivering stop . With hands now steady , he picked up one of the razors . It glinted coolly in the bluish light . Placing the sharp edge against his lower left arm , Julian closed his eyes and made the cut . This was something he 'd had to do without while he was working for the escort agency . No scars or tattoos . No piercing except in the nipples . He 'd passed on that one . " I know what this is . Didn 't you know I 've been working as a high school teacher all last semester ? I know all about this - What I don 't get is how you of all people would - " " I 've never done it before , because of - the work I do - did . It 's against the rules . No scars or tattoos . " He had no choice . What an idiot he was . Simon had been nice to him , nicer than anyone , and still he insisted on upsetting him again and again . " I 'm not going to stand over you and keep watch . You know that would be impossible anyway . If you say you won 't do it again , I 'll take your word for it . " Exhausted by the emotional strain , Julian was relieved to retreat into the bathroom again . He had his shave , then cleaned up the floor . It was clear that Simon didn 't understand . But he 'd already stayed for too long . He 'd better go and calm his brother down . He didn 't elaborate . A faulty condom would be all it took , or a violent trick who didn 't want to play by the rules . He 'd known that all along but hadn 't wanted to deal with the knowledge . If he 'd infected Aly and Megan - then even dying on a bathroom floor wouldn 't have been punishment enough . " Julian . It 's ok . They 're fine . Don 't beat yourself up over what you can 't do anything about . No one can change the past . All you have control over is the future . " They used to love that . Tossing a frisbee between them , or even kicking a ball around . Sometimes , they 'd race each other along the winding paths . Aly 's return with some dread . How would she greet him this time ? She might guess that her reaction to his presence would have led to a confrontation with Simon , but how would she feel when she found out he was staying with Simon ? Simon called Alyson as he 'd promised , but when she learned about Julian 's presence in the apartment , she didn 't call him back as they 'd had agreed . Simon could only imagine how she felt about the situation . She 'd said very little and her voice hadn 't given much away either . He felt torn in two directions . How could he choose between his brother and his lover ? It was impossible . He needed them both . " Ok . I didn 't even plan to get to know you . That day you met me outside his place - all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible . And that included his brother . I knew who you were . There was a photo of you in his room and he talked about you all the time . But you were so nice to me and we turned out to have so much in common . I couldn 't bear not to see you again . By then , I felt I 'd waited too long . I 'd lost my chance to explain . Besides , I was hurt . Have you any idea what it feels like to catch your boyfriend with another man , while you 're carrying his baby ? Ok , I 'll rephrase - " die , that the baby was going to die . As soon as we 'd finished arguing about it , and Julian was gone , I began to harass my doctor to run all kinds of tests . I wouldn 't accept her reply . How could it be negative ? I just knew . Don 't you see ? I knew I 'd been infected . By the time I 'd finally calmed down and accepted the fact that we were ok , I couldn 't bear to see Julian again . back from seeing another trick . I just knew it and when I confronted him , I knew I was right , judging by his reaction . So I wouldn 't let him Eagerly , he stepped aside to let her in . There wasn 't much more than a bed in there , so Alyson remained standing . Julian closed the door behind them and turned It was so hard to look at him again . To be this close . Alyson was assaulted by the memories . She 'd loved him so much and - she knew she still loved him , no matter how much she loved Simon . If only everything had been a bad dream . She 'd wake up in the morning , feeling the thrill of anticipation . Another new day with Julian . Whatever she was going to do , she 'd felt that bubbly happiness , because Julian was in her life . " Alright , Jule . I believe you . It 's ok . It was a long time ago . I 've had time to think . That day - " She couldn 't believe it . He wouldn 't stop prostituting himself for her and for Megan 's sake . On the other hand , to please his brother , apparently , it was a different matter . " I see . When Simon asks you , it 's ok to stop working for them . Obviously Megan and I don 't mean as much to you as he does . " clear her sight . Stupid , pathetic tears . Why was she so weak when it came to Julian ? Whatever he 'd told her , he couldn 't have loved her if he was willing to let other people - men - touch him the way only she was supposed to . Julian ran after her , and past Simon as well , but it was too late . The door slammed in his face , making him feel as if she 'd slapped him . He almost wished she had . The physical pain would have been far preferable than what he was feeling inside right now . day she brought Megan to me , I still hadn 't stopped working for them . Of course she 's right . Why didn 't I do something about it a long time ago ? " He too , felt badly shaken by the incident . Alyson was distraught , Julian was shattered . They were all being torn apart by what Richard had started all those years ago . None of them were to blame . It was all down one selfish man . This time , he intended to go on his own . To his surprise , Julian unexpectedly offered to come along . They didn 't shop quite as wisely as Alyson usually did , but they looked over rather like he 'd looked at roller skating girls in bikini tops and shorts , when he was in high school . Who was this guy ? One of Julian 's - He didn 't have time to finish the thought . The two big guys grabbed his shopping bags and turned them over . He was about to protest , as he saw cans of peas and tomatoes rolling across the ground , when one of the body guards hit him so hard he lost his wind . Another blow followed the first one , then a third . His legs gave out under him and he tipped over . Retching from the heavy blow to his abdomen , Simon tried to force himself to stand up , to block the blows raining on him . any hits to the head . His sight blurred and for a moment , he thought he was going to pass out . Then a voice cut through the haze and the blows stopped . " They had a message for you . Some guy in a suit who seemed to think I was kind of hot , told me that Michael wants his money . You 'd know what he was talking about . " Julian 's face lost all color . He was already concerned . Now he looked absolutely broken up . What little vivaciousness he 'd recovered during the long weekend with his brother , he now looked just as pale , weary and defeated as before . " Simon , I don 't know what to say . I never thought he 'd do this . If I 'd had any idea he might go after you - " " We 'd go to the casino . He owns it . And he 'd let me play for him and sometimes - he 'd lend me money to bet some more . To begin with , I won , practically all the time , Julian dropped to his knees to pick up the groceries . Only one glass container had broken . The rest was ok . He filled up the bags again , then packed them into the Once they got back , Simon submitted to Julian 's care . The bruises were the extent of the damage , but he still felt some pain when he breathed too deeply . He was himself . It was his brother who was on his mind . And what if Alyson and Megan had been there ? This had to stop . The money he 'd intended to use as a down payment for a house would have to do . A brother was worth Julian hadn 't returned and Simon was beginning to feel a cold dread creeping up on him . What if Julian had done something foolish ? Or if he 'd run into those men ? He shouldn 't have let him go like that . " Yes . Of course I want to help . Maybe I was being a little hard on him and anyway , I know how much you care about him . " They didn 't see him anywhere and during the course of the evening , Simon was beginning to realize that he didn 't really know the grownup Julian . If he had , wouldn 't he have seen something was wrong ? Gambling . Drugs . Prostitution . What else ? Why hadn 't he paid more attention ? But then I thought maybe he 'll get into trouble if they find out what he 's been doing . So I don 't know . What did he say ? " " No . He also said ' I have to do this ' . I assumed he meant get out for a while . Get some fresh air , some exercise . I wasn 't paying attention . I was waiting to talk to my bank about raising money for his debt . " from college . One of the girls recognized Julian and said ' hey , isn 't that your boyfriend going into the casino ' . So I had to go and find out He 'd known what he had to do , when he saw Simon , face bruised , doubled up with pain on the parking lot . It had seemed too good to be true , living with Simon again , letting his older brother take care of him . And it had been . He 'd known all along it was too easy . play the roulette tables , he wouldn 't be in this situation now . More importantly , Simon wouldn 't have been drawn into his trouble . What if Aly and Megan had been there ? He couldn 't let the people he loved suffer for his mistakes . If Michael wanted him there , he would go . It wasn 't a too high price to pay for keeping Aly and Megan and Simon safe . Simon hadn 't suspected anything . If he had and tried to stop him , this would have been even harder . He got on a bus for the neighborhood where Michael lived in his Standing outside the enormous metal gates , Julian wondered if he 'd be recognized wearing Simon 's jogging suit . If not , he 'd have to identify himself . Michael would give orders to let him in , there was no doubt about it . He 'd never seen a man more eager . In any case , whoever was looking at the watching for the dogs , he walked as fast as he dared up to the front door . He didn 't have to ring the doorbell . Someone was there to let him the guy had a butler . A uniformed servant who answered the door for him . Gambling and drugs paid . For all Julian knew , maybe Michael was part owner of the escort agency . That might explain why the guy was able to pull strings and have his favorite boy assigned to him night after night . Or the truth might simply be that no one dared to cross the guy . He was being taken through to a living room with large french windows opening on the grounds . Unbelievable . He 'd been here before of course , but never for more than a couple of hours . Now , he feared he would never leave the place alive . " Ah , yes , that little matter . Don 't worry about that right now . So you 've quit . Well , that should make things easier . I take it you 're staying . I shall have George get a room ready for you . " it was last year . But naturally . Anything you say . Now , shall we dine together ? I 'll have George lay out some more suitable attire for you . " It was the pills that kept him sane while he was working . That and the gambling . Now he 'd have to stay away from the gambling . Would Michael still be willing to provide him with the pills ? There was only one way to find out . been on a deadline . After a certain amount of time , the next client would require his presence , . This time , no respite would be given . He 'd But that was why he was here . To hell with Michael . To hell with everything . He could do this . It was something he 'd known how to do since he was 17 . Michael wouldn 't He woke up in the early hours of morning , wondering if it would be ok to retreat into the room Michael referred to as his . Michael 's arm was holding him back , but he slid out of his grasp and into the bathroom . There was no complaint . After a moment 's breathless waiting , he deemed it safe to return to the He wondered if there would be razors in his medicine cabinet , but was able to repress the thought . Michael would know . He wouldn 't approve . There was even a risk Towards the evening of the fourth day after Julian 's disappearance , Simon had finally managed to doze off to sleep . He hadn 't slept a whole night since he 'd first found out the truth about Julian and even less since he 'd been gone . When he finally realized the noise he heard was the phone ringing , he wasn 't sure how long it had been ringing . " Yes , I will , but why can 't you tell her yourself ? Let me come and pick you up . I 've got the money , Julian . What 's his name ? The man you owe money to ? " " Simon , please don 't tell Megan about me . Let her believe I was - someone else . Or tell her you 're her father . Look after her for me . Don 't let anyone hurt her . " " Julian , you 'll be able to keep an eye on her yourself . And - Alyson has changed . She 's not angry with you anymore . Please come home . Talk to her yourself . " wrong . He had to find Julian before it was too late . Was he with that man , Michael Falsone ? That seemed likely . He had to find out where the man lived and go and pick Julian up . Alyson to let her know what was going on . It was obvious that Alyson still had feelings for Julian . Why else would she be this upset ? But jealousy was the furthest thing from his mind . They both loved him . They parked the car in the street outside , and walked up to the gates . There was a camera aimed straight at them , so someone was bound to take notice of their arrival . Within a minute , two men , wearing dark suits walked up to the gate and stared at them through the bars . One of the men spoke into a phone , then nodded briefly . They backed off and the huge gates began to swing open . There was a dreamlike quality to all this , so Simon wasn 't even surprised when the two thugs pulled their guns and aimed straight at them . Falsone nodded quickly to one of the guys on steroids , and he snatched the envelope out of Simon 's hand . He handed it over to his employer who skillfully counted the money . Finally , he appeared to be satisfied . Now the bodyguards stepped back and waited . Simon opened the door and looked around . The room was spacious and luxurious but even from the door , he could see that someone was lying on the bed . the touch . Terrified by now , and filled with doubts , Simon began to shake Julian gently , but increasingly hard , as panic took hold of him . Was Julian even breathing ? That bastard downstairs must have known it was too late . Why else would he let go of his prize possession ? use of his limbs and he picked his brother up . Carrying him down the stairs , Simon could hardly keep the tears at bay . Too late . He 'd lost his little brother . Alyson hurried him along mercilessly . Simon wanted to wipe that grin off the guy 's face . He wanted to choke him , break his neck - but what good would it do Julian ? It was all too late anyway . Alyson was right . They didn 't belong here . He had to take Julian away from here . Make sure he was safe , even if it was too late . She was driving so fast that under normal circumstances he 'd be terrified . Now , he hardly paid attention . He was smoothing back Julian 's hair . He was so pale . So cold . Why ? Why couldn 't he have held on just a little longer ? He was so wrapped up in his grief , he didn 't even notice the car had pulled to a stop . Alyson disappeared , only to return scarcely a minute later , with a medical team in tow . She stepped aside and let them get on with their work . Though he wanted to hold on to Julian 's body , he could feel his brother When the nurse behind the counter was done with them , Alyson led him to a bench where she made him sit down . He didn 't know what they were waiting for , but he had a vague idea of taking Julian 's body to a funeral home . There were arrangements to be made . He had to pull himself together . " Yes . I 'm sorry . I assumed - Your brother had taken some barbiturates and was unconscious when you brought him in . We induced vomiting and administered some drugs to make sure the barbiturates left his system . There 's no permanent damage done , but he 's quite weak right now and he needs rest . back and he found himself following the doctor to a room across the corridor . Julian was waiting to see him ? He still wasn 't sure he 'd heard the doctor correctly . Was Julian alive after all , despite the way But there was no mistake . Julian was lying in that hospital bed , looking even paler and weaker , but his eyes were open and he seemed to be aware of his surroundings . Simon wanted to take him in his arms and hold him , to make sure he really was alive and well , but he settled for sitting down dawning on Simon and he had a nightmare vision of his mother walking into her son 's room to find her husband on top of him . No . That couldn 't be true . It had to be some mistake . But why else would she have suddenly decided to kill herself ? There was no other explanation . Why hadn 't he seen the connection when Julian had revealed his secret ? responsible . Not you . He killed her . But Julian , I was going to see that Falsone guy . I brought the money . I paid off your debt . He 'll leave you alone now . It 's over . " " There 's nothing to forgive . I mean it . You know it too , don 't you ? It was his fault . All of it . Julian ? " I 'd refused to let him see his daughter . Then when we finally got a chance to talk , I hurt him all over again . If he 'd died - I would never They drove back to his place in silence . It was a relief to have Alyson there with him . Simon was plagued by bad dreams , but when he woke up , he felt more hopeful than he had for a long time . Julian was ok . He was going to stay ok . No At the hospital , Simon didn 't even feel impatient to wait his turn to see Julian . He could understand how Alyson felt . She still loved Julian , and that was ok . How could he be jealous of his own brother ? Julian had loved her first . It was only natural that there were still feelings . Perhaps he ought to feel threatened , but he didn 't . All that mattered was he had Julian back safely . Alyson dreaded the meeting . She 'd practically driven Julian into that creep 's arms by treating him so callously . And that had led to his attempted suicide . It was chilling to realize that if they 'd been just a little later , she would have had Julian 's life on her conscience . She loved him so much and she 'd nearly killed him . Would he even want to see her ? " Forgive you ? Oh , Jule there 's nothing to forgive . It was my all my fault . I 'm the one who should ask your forgiveness . I 'm so sorry I reacted the way I did , when you told me you were going to stop working for the agency . I should have been glad you 'd be safe . Instead , I was just selfish and mean and - " " No . You were right . I should have quit before Megan was born . Even when I was talking to you about it , at Simon 's place , I knew I couldn 't quit until I 'd paid back my debt , but I was too happy to see you again and I was hoping you 'd let me back into your life . " " No . I was wrong . You deserved to hold your daughter in your arms . If I 'd let you , maybe you would have come to your senses and quit after all . " " I could have come back later . You 're her father . Nothing will ever change that . Anyone who sees her will know she 's your daughter . She 's just as beautiful as you are and - " " No , as beautiful as you . Let 's hope she 's a lot smarter than I am . Like you . I 've never done anything right in my life . Aly - there 's something I need to tell you . I want you to know everything now . No more secrets . " " No , that 's not it . The doctors are running tests now , but I know I 'm not . At least I 'm not stupid enough to risk that . " " I don 't know what to say . What a horrible thing to do to his stepson . He must have been a monster . I 'm glad he 's dead . If he hadn 't been , I wouldn 't have been able to keep quiet . I know I would have confronted him . " " I don 't know . Aly , I wasn 't a child . I was seventeen . He didn 't force me to do anything . I just wanted him to love me . No , wait , there 's more . " Alyson couldn 't imagine what else there was left to tell . Hadn 't Julian been through more than enough already ? But she didn 't say anything else , just let him finish . her throat felt dry . She wanted to reach out and comfort the younger Julian , but it aws too late . Everything was too late . But Julian was still here and it wasn 't too late to comfort the Julian she was facing right now . She had to cough to regain control over her voice . " Please . Promise me you won 't think about that again . He was responsible . Not you . I won 't let you torture yourself any more . This has gone on long enough . Besides , I That had never even occurred to him . She was his mother . Of course he 'd seen her as a victim . But now , when he was a parent himself , he was beginning to see that maybe Aly did have a point . to Megan , he wouldn 't have taken the easy way out . He would have fought for her no matter what it took . Why had his mother chosen to do what she did ? He nodded thoughtfully , not fully convinced , but shaken out of his morbid thoughts . Aly was right about something . When you were a parent , you had to let your child come first . Would Megan have any use for a dad who wallowed in self pity ? " Julian , it 's time you stopped thinking about yourself as someone who doesn 't deserve anything . That 's completely wrong . You deserve so much . Start treating yourself a little nicer for starters . Give me and Simon a break . We 'll worry ourselves sick over you if you keep up this self destructive behavior . Like that . What 's that all about ? " Julian felt his face grow hot . She was pointing at his arm , which was still attached to the saline drip . The scars he 'd made with Simon 's razor were clearly visible . " No . Simon didn 't have to tell me . Don 't you know we 're working part time at the same school this year ? It 's hopeless finding a real job , so - Anyway , two of our girls did exactly the same thing a couple of months ago . Fortunately , we were able to catch their behavior in time . Now they 're doing much better . " " Ok . I 'll try not to . You don 't know how wonderful it is to have you here again . I mean , with me . " " Oh , I think I have a pretty good idea . About as wonderful as it is to have you back . Hurry up and get well again really soon . Simon and I miss you terribly . " " Oh . Simon . He must be going crazy out there . And visiting hour will soon be over . I 'll have to go . Simon will be in right away . " Simon finds out that his brother Julian , who he thought was gay , was once involved with his , Simon 's girlfriend . Simon tries to help Julian with his debts and save him from his self destructive behavi This text is protected by copyright law and property of MilliLinnea . Chapter Selection I 'm a bookloving writer and also a vegan who loves animals . I write fan fiction and original fiction , both stories for general audiences and for more mature readers . My homepages ( where I have published some of my fiction ) are currently down and I 'm working on getting them back up again . In the meantime , I 'm blogging on Wordpress , Dreamwidth and Booklikes . |
Mikhail was standing in line to get a lunch tray loaded with his favorite food of all time , lasagna , when some of the other scarecrow boys in his class shoved him forward making him fly into the back of the student in front of him and spilling his tray all over the place . Mikhail had lasagna all over his school uniform and face . Mikhail slowly got up , sore from landing so hard on the floor . He ran sobbing to the bathroom . " Why must those boys always be mean to me ? I wish somebody would teach them a lesson so they would be nice to everyone for a change . " He washed up , changed clothes and went to class . The boys were there too ; they still were not nice to him . In class they took his spot at the front of the room so that he had to sit at the back of the room where he couldn 't see . They often pulled his chair out from under him making him fall on the floor . The boys stole his books and homework and claimed them as their own . This went on for weeks with no answer to Mikhail 's daily prayer for help to come . He was about to give up hope when one Monday morning a new student he met would change his life forever . That day came when a new girl showed up at school . She was so beautiful that all the guys stopped what they were doing and focused on her . Everything was fine , at least until after lunch when the mean boys resumed their daily routine in the classroom . Mikhail just sat there looking sad and trying not to cry when out of nowhere the new girl appeared and helped Mikhail up . " STOP ! ! Why do you treat Mikhail and others like that ? It is dishonorable and wrong to do . I stand with Mikhail . I stand against you and others like you because of what you do to other people . Who else will join me ? " To Mikhail 's surprise , teachers , other staff , and students went to stand beside Mikhail and the new girl . Mikhail , looked shocked at the fact that so many people cared about him and his troubles . " You see , Mikhail , you are never alone if you ask for help . As for you boys who are bullying others , you need to learn show respect to all people . It is not nice to bully others . After all , how would you like it if someone was being mean to you ? Maybe someone calls you fat or dumb , how does it make you feel ? Not good right ? " exclaimed the new girl . " No , it hurts my feelings even though it is true , " said Jason , the leader of the group of boys . The next day , in front of the school , all of the bullies apologized to Mikhail . " We are sorry for making fun of your hair , and for always taking your spot when we know you have trouble seeing . Also for always tripping you and pulling your chair out from under you . We know we haven 't been nice to you and we are truly sorry and asking for forgiveness . Can you forgive us Mikhail ? " The whole school held their breath as they waited for Mikhail 's answer . Finally , Mikhail said " Yes , I can and do forgive you for what you have done to me . " Turning to the new girl he said , " Thank you for standing up against those boys . It is really great that they apologized . By the way , I never did get your name . It feels weird to thank you when I don 't know who it is that I need to thank . " " My name is Angel , and you are very welcome Mikhail . " From that day on , Jason and his boys treated everyone nicely and with nothing but respect . As for Mikhail , he did get glasses so he could see and everyone treated him very well . Nobody ever was mean to Mikhail again . As for Angel , she disappeared just as fast as she appeared but Mikhail was not worried because he knew that Angel was out there somewhere helping others just like him . The summer night was scorching in the year 1920 , in the town of Saffron , South Dakota . Saffron was just beginning then and everybody knew everybody , and they all got together on Sunday after church for lunch , rain , or shine . The settlers were people who were kind and very , very friendly . The elderly were respected and cared for by every citizen , except for one man . His name was George Gaper . This man was very mean and disliked by the entire town . He did not mind though because he liked no one , except for Angel . Angel had long flowing brown hair , gorgeous deep blue eyes , and pale skin that every time the sun hit her skin , it made her look like she was sparkling like a million diamonds . Every time he saw her , he would stop doing whatever it was he was doing and stare at her . Of course , she did not notice him or any of the other people who did that , because she already had a man on her mind . It was arranged , of course , for her to marry the mayor 's son , Paul Davidson . The mayor 's son was not the most alluring person in town . The most alluring person in town was Mark Gaper , George 's son . Angel did not care though . She loved Paul with all her heart . They had gone out only twice when Paul proposed to her . It was in the local drug store . It was crowded that day because it was well over 100 ° F , in the shade . Anyone who was anyone was in there , cooling off with ice cream or soda pop . Their choice was a peanut butter chocolate malt , to share of course . He told her to go sit down and he would wait to pay for the malt . When he got the malt , he took it to the table and sat down next to Angel . When they were close to finishing their malt , the baker and his wife walked out from the back room with a cake that read , " Will you be my wife , for life , Angel ? " She looked him in the eyes and said , " I thought you 'd never ask . " Therefore , the wedding plans started and it reached the time to where they were addressing the invitations . They paused and thought for a while when they reached for the invitation that was supposed to go to George and his family . Finally , after two hours of debating Angel and her fiancé decided to send an invitation to the Gaper family . When the time came for the wedding , they became even more nervous because when George and his family had received the invitation , strange things had been happening . For one thing , when the family called to say they would be coming to the wedding , the phones kept ringing but nobody was on the line . In addition , when the couple was looking at clothes for the wedding , Angel 's house was broken into but nothing was stolen . They talked about getting security around both houses and Angel agreed to ask her father for some officers to protect both of their houses . He reluctantly agreed . He said , " We are already low on officers but since it is for my little girl and my future son - in - law , I guess we can spare a few extra officers . " Therefore , the help came from everywhere . It even came from other cities that had heard the news . It was all very strange having the town so busy and full of people and life . Storeowners got more business than they usually did , even in the holidays . It was all very strange though when things started to go missing . No one had any idea about who was stealing the things . Everyone was baffled . That was until Angel saw George wearing some of the missing jewelry . It just so happened to be exactly identical to her cousin 's , Mary , who had driven in for the wedding ; it was reported stolen 3 days before . Angel started from the beginning and when she got to the end she said , " I know George is the one who did it . I know it has to be , unless , it is his son Mark . I just know it is one of them . Oh Daddy , what is it ? " Her father was close to tears . He said , " We just found out this morning that George had an accident last night . I do not know how he got into the accident , but he is at the Double A Sanatorium . You can go check if you want . " Mark said , " All I know is that there was note saying goodbye , and that he couldn 't live without his true love . He keeps saying that he had a diary of hers but it is nowhere to be found . He has been acting weird ever since we got the summons to your wedding . Angel there was something in the note I think you might like to know . Can I come over sometime ? Say 3 : 30 pm . today ? " Therefore , up the stairs the two men went , up to the bedroom parlor where she waited for them . She was surprised to see Paul and Mark talking as if they were old friends . She just could not ever imagine it , not even in a million years . She did not care though when she remembered what Mark was here for . He was not here to talk with her fiancé , but to tell her some weird secret about his father 's death . Mark replied , " I thought you had directed that question to your fiancé . I am fine though , but I must agree totally with Paul . You look like an Angel today and every day . " " Why , thank you Mark , " replied Angel . " So Mark , you said you needed to tell me something that was in the note . You said it applied to everything that has been going on lately . What is that about ? " " In the letter , my father admitted several things . The first thing he admitted was that he was madly in love with someone in this town , other than his wife . He said that he was very sick and not wanting to die without saying something to the woman that he loved more than my mother . This of course is a shock and a mystery of its own . " Mark continued , " He had told me two weeks ago , when we got the summons , that he had something that belonged to his secret sweetheart . He said that his secret sweetheart was going to be married soon and that he must do something . He didn 't say specifically what it was only that it meant more than life to her . " Mark sat in silence thinking if his father had somehow let something slip out about where or what it was . He could think of none . When he looked up from racking his brain , he had a sorrowful look on his face . Angel asked why . Angel seemed distraught by what was going on . Just as Mark was about talk again , the servant in the house announced that Angel 's father had arrived . At this , Mark looked shocked . Paul , Mark , and Angel looked at each other with fear in their eyes . Angel 's dad may have been there but that was the least of their fears . They decided to prolong the meeting until they found out whose voice it was . They stopped talking and started listening for the voice to speak again , but no sound came . They listened for approximately 15 minutes in silence before talking again . Angel saved him from answering the question by saying , " Daddy , this is Mark from school and he was telling me about a letter his father had written . It has to do with him having something that belongs to the true woman he loves . We don 't know who it belongs to and we don 't know what , or where it 's . " " Jacob , may we continue with what we were doing before you got here ? " asked Paul . " I really want to know what the rest of the letter says . Maybe there is a clue in it as to who or what the item is , or maybe where it 's hidden , " said Angel . Jacob gestured with his hand to continue with what they were doing . " My father told me the other day that he had a dairy that he took from his secret crush 's house . He also said that if I ever needed to know something important about the diary or his secret , to go to a secret hut out in the forest , but he did not say what forest it was in or where it was in that forest . I am guessing though that it is in this forest twenty miles from here . I think it 's on the outskirts of Doubloon City . " " Doubloon City is a pirate community and very dangerous to even go near . People who have gone there usually end up dead , or broke , or both . That is why everybody is frightened to leave town and why it was so hard to get help on security . Most people had to pass Doubloon City to get here . Most people will probably stay here rather than go back home . " Jacob said . " You see kids , I 'm not who you think I am . I used to live there before I met Angel 's mom . When I found out she was expecting a baby , I packed all our things up and moved here . I thought we would be safe here but I was wrong . " " I don 't like it one bit . Angel is missing and we have the dead body of someone . I do not think it is going to look very good if the police come and find that we are the only people living . They 'll think that we shot him and got rid of Angel . " " Hello , I would like to report a shooting . It was about 15 minutes ago and the person that owns the house is the head of police . We need an ambulance , fire , and police . " There was silence at the end of the line . They put the phone down and started screaming through the handkerchiefs they had found . They then hung up the phone . " You bet I did . It is burning very well too . I poured gasoline from one of the cars and then lit a match so we could catch the house on fire . Now to make it look like we were victims , how are we going to do that smart guy ? " " Here is some duct tape and some rope . I will do you up and you do me . But first , we need to look as if we were injured in the fight for our lives . " They did not have to wait long though . They had barely been done when they heard the sirens in the distance . There was only one problem to their plan , me . I had witnessed what went on and came up to where they were and confronted them . Not a moment too soon either , the firefighters broke through the door and found us three boys . Once we were outside , the police removed the duct tape and ropes . They then asked us a few questions . " I 'm sorry boys , but we have to take you downtown so we can ask more questions . We will provide everything you want as long as you cooperate with us . Ok ? " Downtown was only on Main Street , but the ride there was super long to us . They did not want to say anything to each other . After all , they were supposed to be enemies . They were far from that though . Back at the house when they were planning their way out of trouble , they decided that since they were working together now and was in this together , they might as well be friends . " I hate always being referred to as the mayor 's son . I hate that this marriage is arranged . I do not even like Angel to tell you the truth . She is always using me for the money . It sucks ! " Nobody spoke another word until a police officer came and brought us separately into a questioning room . They were not even allowed to talk to each other . Before both boys entered their questioning room , they gave a warning glance towards me . I gave a big gulp . " Do you know what might have happened to her ? Could she have runaway ? Could she have locked herself in another room ? There are many locations and situations that could have happened to her . " " My name is Mark Gaper and I am a 17 year old male . I live in a shack on the outskirts of town with my six brothers and five sisters . They are all younger than me . " In another room down the hall , my questioning was proceeding . Mine was going even worse than the two other boys combined because I was silent as a dead person would be . They decided to wait until the mayor got there to start my questioning . They let me into the break room with the two other boys . We then started talking about their questions and how they have got out of answering questions so far . " I can 't believe he is actually keeping quiet about it . I have known him for a long time and he usually cannot keep a secret . But then again , he has not told anyone about me and Angel sleeping together when her old man was out of town . Hey , good job Peter , keep it up and you may live long enough to have kids of your own someday . " Laughter came from both boys . I said and did nothing . I was not the only weird thing they had to worry about though . The cameras in the break room were on and recorded the whole conversation . What was unknown to them was that daddy was watching everything they did and said . " Let them stay a few days in the slammer . Maybe they will talk to us then . If you could though , have the others prisoners welcome them . " While he was saying this , three other cops that were originally questioning us came and put the handcuffs on them . They came quietly and made no fuss . When they got to the cellblock , the police released us from their handcuffs and showed them where they were staying , and then the cops locked the door . We just sat there , in the cell , waiting for something to happen . They were hoping the other would say something . No one said a word . They sat there in silence , looking at the cold , gray walls around them and the vertical bars in front of them . " Relax son , we are not going to hurt you . Once you spend some time in here , you start to soften up . I was put in here for murder . I had no heart they said . I do now , that is for sure . I have to pay my debt to society though . By the way , the name is Luke , but my friends call me Luke . I more or less run our cell block than those pigs do . " Three weeks had gone by since they were put into jail . The thing was they loved it ! When the cops came to see if they were ready to talk they just shook their head no . They were still in there when daddy came by . " No ! This is my home now . At least they are kind to me here and do not ignore me every single minute of the day . I do not think you even realize who I have become . I am not a little boy anymore . I 'm a man who has had his wife stolen from him , and I 'm not going to sit around talking to no pig ! " " Wait ! " Paul screamed , " I wish to speak , if you will let this man live . This man is the kindest , most gentle , loving person I have ever known and probably will ever know in my entire life . If he dies , you will have killed your future leader . I am HE ! ! ! " " No , Peter is innocent . We started the inferno in the house . We made ourselves look like we were the victims . Mark and I were there when the shots rang out ! We started the inferno ! The only thing we did not do was murder the old man , and we did not hide Angel ! Now release Luke and Peter ! " Strangely , the police did as Paul said . This was done probably since Paul said he would talk . Luke got his new punishment of watching and reforming Paul and Mark . I was released into the care of Paul 's father . Paul had insisted on that . He had made it perfectly clear that I was to be his father 's new son . I , of course did not say a thing because I had a plan of my own . As for Paul and Mark 's punishments , they did not like it at all . They had to do 4500 hours of community service ; they had to serve a 7 month sentence and were put on probation for 25 years . As for Angel , nobody has seen or heard from her . After her father died , they assumed that she was long gone . They put a marker for her by her father . I hate to tell them that it is a waste of time , since she is not gone or dead . She came to my room after she saw dad 's body lying on the floor . I told her to stay in my room until I got back . I said I would check it out . I hid in the coat closet when I saw the two boys coming down the stairs . When I went back to my room , I told Angel to go hide in our secret spot . After I was released , I went to our secret spot to find Angel . She was still there and looking very thin . We then moved as one with the cover of darkness so that nobody could see us . We went deep into the woods and lived off nature for five months . Finally , a man who was hunting came and took us to his house . We said we were orphans . This , in fact , was true . Mom had died when I was 4 months old . She had a disease called dysentery . We grew up and eventually moved away from the nice old man . I have not heard from Angel since she got married to a biker dude . I hope she will come back to Saffron next week . I feel it is time to return home after so long . This is half of a novel that I completed but I am looking for comments about it before getting it published . I want to know about what you think about the characters , the setting , everything . Tell Me Ideas of what to do to change the story to make it better . I was 10 when I wrote this story so be nice . 37 . 688889 Picture Italo Calvino said : The more enlightened our houses are , the more their walls ooze ghosts . Describe the ghosts that live in this house : Image credit : " love Don 't live here anymore … " - © 2009 Robb North - made available under Attribution 2 . 0 Generic 8 of us all in line waiting for our final time to leave these doors and be a family once more . A tragedy took us , hunger we shouldn 't have felt , on bended knees in prayer we knelt . 6 of us sons and daughters . Mommy and Daddy passed while we slumbered . One remains that we must wait for before we are all together once more . Many kids dream of being president or queen but non or few realize the responsibilities that such titles would entail . As kids in school we were often asked " If you were president for a day , what would you do ? " Some of my answers have changed while others have remained the same . If I was President of the United States there are many things I would change . I would make drug testing mandatory on a weekly basis for those citizens receiving assistance from the state and government . I would change or abolish the " No Child Left Behind " law . If I change it , I would lower the standards to a more realistic number . I would also raise the driving age to 18 and the legal drinking age to 25 . In order to increase jobs , I would make it illegal to pump your own gas in all states . I would also give teachers , firefighters , police , and all other government employees who don 't get paid or recognized enough raises and better benefits . On the border issue , I would reinforce the borders to where it was almost impossible to illegally cross over but make the benefits of crossing legally worth it so that more people would see it as better to come across that way . I would also raise minimum wage and lower taxes thus increasing the economy . Those are just some of the things that I would do if I was President of the United States of America ! Without You The sun maybe shining but my world seems dark as the midnight hour . I paint a smile on my face so I can try to face the day but the truth is , without you I don 't know how I 'll do . I 'll go on . I 'm sure of that , although I might have to get me a cat . I 'm hot . I 'm on fire . I will never tire . I 'm full of energy . I 'm happy as I can ever be . I can 't be with you but I WILL NOT be blue ! |
He rose to his feet with amazement , turned his eyes to me , then scanned me from head to toes , and said with surprise : " You say you 're sixteen ? " I was sweating a lot but held my ground . I straightened my shoulders . , stood on my toes and said : " Yes brother ! My certificate says so , doesn 't it ? " the man sat down again and stared at me , with sweat was dripping down my spine . He first held back his laugh and then burst into laughter : " Hey kid ! We have enough problems as it is ! Go away ! You think we 'll be fooled by your fake beard and mustache ? You think a marker can make you look old ? Go before I kick you away ! " I felt down in the dumps and cursed the damned idea of the marker and cursed Reza who came up with the idea . Reza was a few inches shorter than I was , but I don 't know with what dark magic he had managed to fool the head of the Dispatch Center ; and it was his second time going to war . I wiped off the black of marker from my face . I was depressed and mad , and if someone were to come up to me and ask " What 's eating you ? " I was ready to chew them out . But to my bad luck , no one so much as laughed at me . It wasn 't my first time trying to go . To increase my height , I hanged myself from the pull - up bar to the point that my arms grew some inches . I used shoe insoles to look taller and wore a few layers of shirts and coats to seem larger . I shaved my white face enough to grow some beard but these never worked ! Every time I was ridiculed . I faked my birth certificate and changed my birth year to be older so that even spies wouldn 't be wise to it , but my small body revealed everything . Whenever I talked about the war , my father went off on me and took off his belt to hit me . So I didn 't even think about getting his consent . A few days later , I again went to test the waters and challenge my luck , so I went to the Dispatch Center . I was on my way when I saw an old man who looked like a construction worker . And then I thought of something . I approached him and said hello . He stared at me and returned my greetings . He must have thought I was a very polite kid but when he saw me roaming around and not leaving , he asked : " What 's with you kid ? " I wasn 't sure how to start it so I asked : " What 's your job here ? " The old man became a bit angry and said : " It 's none of your business , " so I said that I didn 't mean to interrupt him or be nosy . So I started to praise him and prepare him for what I was going to say . As I had guessed he was a construction worker and because of his age he didn 't have much of a chance finding employment . He was unemployed and in need of money , so I asked : " How much do you want to be paid for helping me do something good ? " He misunderstood and thought I wanted him to deliver some love letters , but I told him I needed someone to act as my father and sign a letter of consent so that I can go to war . He thought for a moment but refused , but I begged him and put the 40 Toman bill I had in my pocket in his . We discussed the price and when I showed him my empty pockets , he agreed to escort me to the center . Needless to say , he changed his mind repeatedly on the way to the center , and I had to persuade him all over again each time . When we arrived there , I took the old man to the guy in charge and introduced him as my father . When the two saw each other , they smiled and greeted one another . It turned out the old man was the man 's uncle ! ! I felt I was hit by a rock ! I was turning around to leave when the old man said : " Hussein , dear ! Do something for this young man ! Don 't send him to the front but let him do something here or at most send him to the food department . He 's a nice boy , generous and polite . " He complimented me as much as I felt let down , but I understood it was going nowhere . I was about to leave when dear Hussein called me and handed me a form while chuckling and said : " Fill this form , man ! I 'm doing this for my uncle 's sake ! " I was over the moon . It was the first operation I took part in . I was shaking like a leaf because we were told again and again to be cautious of Iraqi soldiers that attack in the middle of night when we march forward , warning that they would behead us with barbed wires . We were snaking forward in the field slowly and quietly . The line stopped and I saw that someone sat beside me , panting heavily . I was about to jump out of my skin . Oh God he was the beheading Iraqi guy ! As soon as he raised his hand , I didn 't waste a breath and hit him in the ribs with my rifle butt and made a run for it , and the operation started a while later . The next day we were standing in formation when the commander said : " Last night something mysterious happened . We don 't know who the hell attacked our battalion commander last night and broke his ribs , but he had to be taken back as a result ! " It was in the early days of the war and we were fighting tooth and nail against an enemy armed to the teeth . We had a friend , Aziz , who was as black as the night itself . At nights he became the invisible man , and we could only recognize him by his teeth . Once Aziz was slightly injured in the lef and was sent back to be treated . When Khoramshahr fell , we were all in a terrible state , but we promised and swore to take it back one day . We thought of Aziz and went to visit him in the hospital . We were able to find his address after much difficulty , and bought some fruit cans and arrived at the hospital . The nurse told us Aziz was in room 110 , but in that room there were only three patients . Two of them were strangers and the third one was bandaged from head to toe . One of us said : " it 's the wrong room . Maybe he 's in the next one . " The bandaged patient started to wobble and mumble . We were like " what 's wrong with this guy ! He must be shell shocked . " Then my friend said : " He had to be run over by a tank to be this damaged , " so the nurse came and asked if we had found Aziz . We said no , and so the nurse pointed to the bandaged patient and said : " Weren 't you looking for him ? " We asked astonishingly : " What ? you 're saying this is Aziz ? ! ! " Poor Aziz was fully covered with bandages from head to toe . He said with a grieving tone : " Damn you ! Now you don 't even recognize me ! " We burst into a laughter and asked him how someone who was just slightly injured in the leg , ended up in this situation . Aziz shook his head and said : " Slightly injured , my butt ! What happened to me later is beyond your imagination . " We were in stitches and begged him to tell us his story . " When my leg was injured , they sent me back and bandaged it in a room , and the medics went out to call the ambulance . Meanwhile they brought a shell shocked soldier to the room . At first he glared at me furiously , his eyes narrowed . I almost wet my pants . Then he suddenly stood to his feet and yelled : " I 'll kill you bastard , you bastard Iraqi ! " this is when he ran towards me and started to kick and hit me with all he had . No matter how much I shouted and screamed for help , no one came to separate us , and he kept hitting me until he fainted out of exhaustion . I was just crying and asking for God 's mercy for both of us . " We were splitting our sides laughing . The other two patients were laughing their heads off on their beds . Aziz whined and said : " Shut up ! You think it 's funny ? So you must hear the rest ! " " An hour later , a truck came instead of the ambulance , they put us on the back and brought us to Ahvaz . I was praying to God that the soldier wouldn 't shift into crazy gear again , and sure enough as soon as we arrived at the hospital , he went mad again . There were a lot of people gathered around the hospital , chanting slogans . Our shell shocked guy shouted : Hey people this is an Iraqi mercenary , he killed my fellow soldiers ! " And made a move to hit me . This time some other bullies came to his help and hit me the best they could until I was broken all over . I was weeping and crying : " Have mercy ! I 'm an Iranian ! " when an old man with a thick Arabic accent said : " Bastard ! Now you speak Persian ? Hit this hypocrite ! " Finally , some people saved my carcass out of their hands and brought me here . And here I am ! " I had bled so much that I couldn 't move a limb . Bullets and shells whizzed around everywhere . The night sky was lit by the enemy 's flares every once in a while . All my fellow friends were lying dead around me . There was no living soul left in the field . The sky was lit for a moment and I saw two ghosts carrying a stretcher and looking for anyone alive among the dead . With my last breath , I started to shout : " Ya Mahdi ! Ya Hussein ! " So they noticed me and came to my aid . One of them crouched and asked : " How are you feeling brother ? " I wanted to hide the agony I felt and said : " I 'm fine , thank God " . He faced the second one and said : " Ok ! He isn 't seriously injured . Let 's go see if there are any others . " I was startled . At first I thought they were trying to soothe and relax me to take me back on their stretcher . But when I saw them leaving , I swallowed what was left of my pride and started to shout and make a scene . " I 'm burning , God , help me , yYa Imam Hussein ! " . Which got them to return quickly to put me on the stretcher and take me back . I continued shouting for a while , afraid they might change their decision again and leave me . The first paramedic said : " It 's a relief we took him . He 's in a terrible state , look how he 's shouting ! " and the second one nodded in agreement . I was in pain but I couldn 't stop giggling . I was going to kill myself because of a simple case of manners ( taarof ) ! ! . I had heard a lot about divine intervention at the fronts , so I was eager to go there and uncover the mystery myself . Later I went to the front myself as a soldier and was supposed to take part in an operation . Everyone was fed up with me asking them questions about the issue and if they had witnessed anything . Once we were in the back of a truck when one of my fellow soldiers said : " You wanna know about divine intervention ? " I answered yes enthusiastically , then he took a cooking pot out of nowhere and put it on my head , pushing down on it . My head got stuck inside it down to my chin and I couldn 't get rid of it . Everyone roared with laughter while I was weeping inside the pot . Suddenly there was a blast and the whole world went upside down . I don 't remember what happened next . When I came to later , I was lying somewhere and a few people were struggling to take the pot off of my head . When they succeeded , I sighed in relief when one of them said : " You don 't know how lucky you are ! Everyone in that car died except for you . See , there 's even a fragment stuck in the pot ! . " That 's when I understood the meaning of divine intervention . There was no break in the hail of bullets and bombs falling from the sky . They were raining down on us so furiously that is was difficult to breathe , let alone move and retreat , so we all sought shelter wherever we could find it , and some were even stuck in the middle of the field , hugging the ground for support . Suddenly a guy ran toward me , and a bomb exploded near him . The shockwave lifted him up in the air and dropped him on my back . I forgot how to breath for a second from the pain . He had almost killed me ! So I strongly pushed him away . He coiled his feet for a few moments later , his eyes shaking . He suddenly stopped , sat on the ground , looked around , and then asked me : " Bro ! where 's the dry cleaner 's ? my clothes could use a wash . " Needless to say I was in disbelief : " Dry cleaner 's ? " He said : " Yeah ! I wanna buy some bread on my way home too . " That 's when I realized what happened . He was shell shocked because of the blast . I was worried he would do something crazy , so I pointed him to the field hospital and said : " There . It 's there . " So he thanked me and ran over there … As soon as the commander put his hand on Mojtaba 's shoulder to ask what had happened , he jumped to his feet and said with eyes wide with panic : " We 're done for ! There 's a dinosaur , a dragon … ! " the commander stared at Mojtaba who was sweating all over , his face red , and goosebumps all over . He gulped and looked at the others . The air in the room was damp because of everyone 's sweat . Finally , the commander gathered up his courage and asked : " What are you talking about ? What dragon ? Where is it ? " Mojtaba held his hands , just inches away from crying and said : " The worst has happened ! There 's a beast outside ! A beast ! Take everyone and escape ! I 'm sure by now it has eaten the Iraqis and now it 's our turn ! ! ! " The commander grabbed his shoulders , shook them and said : " Where the hell did you see a dragon ? What are you babbling about ? Have you lost your mind ? " Someone said : " He must be heat - struck . " Mojtaba was shivering , his teeth rattling and looking at the door . " I 'm not lying . I saw it with my own two eyes . His eyes were like two bowls full of blood , and it had bony fins on its back ! " And again he dove back under the blanket . The commander was frightened out of his wits but pretended not to be . We all looked at each other , waiting for someone to say something . Finally , the commander rose to his feet , took his gun and asked Taghi and Yaser to accompany him . The three of them were going out when Mojtaba said : " Where are you going ? It will devour you all ! " But they left anyway . We had one eye on Mojtaba and another on the door to see what was going on . A few minutes later we heard shotguns accompanied by the sound of tens of bombs . Mojtaba yelled : " God help us ! We don 't wanna be eaten by this monster ! " We were all ready to escape at the first sight of the bloodthirsty beast , when the three who had left , dove back into the room with dust trailing behind them . They coughed a bit , stared at us for a while and then burst into laughter . The commander opened his hand , a chameleon , which was bleeding in the chest , was sitting on his palm . He faced Mojtaba and said : " Stand up you brave man ! This is your seven - headed beast ! It 's just a scared chameleon who was interested in your binoculars and was looking at them ! Honestly when we first looked there was nothing , but when we looked closer , it came into my line of sight and I shot it . Now we have to treat it . " Fazel said : " How are we supposed to take all these ? We 're tired and weak ! " I said : " Bro , I 'm not in the mood at all . Even dragging myself up the hill is a hassle . You deal with it . " Fazel looked around in hope of finding a solution and I could see a spark in his eyes . One of the Zol - Janah forces ' members was busy chewing dry bread just a bit further . It was a Mule ! ! We managed to load our cargo on its back and bring it up the hill . It caused trouble on the way up a few times and bucked and kicked us . It even bit Fazel 's arm once , but we had to work with what he had . We arrived at a rope bridge connecting the two sides of the mountain . It could hardly be called a bridge because it was only combination of a few measly ropes and some wood . One would think passing the Sirat was probably easier than this ! Fazel said : " One good thing about mules is that they 're pig - headed and don 't get easily frightened . We shouldn 't look down either when crossing it . " I gulped hard and pulled the mule 's tether . A few steps ahead , it started to shiver out of panic and screamed . The bridge was swaying with the mule 's movements from side to side . We were both holding the ropes tightly and screaming . Suddenly the mule had a stroke and died right on the spot , and its body fell down into the valley . We were still swaying on the bridge asking God to help us . Fazel yelled : " Get a hold of yourself . Don 't move ! " but it was impossible . Even if I wanted to stop , the bridge wouldn 't . Eventually the bridge came to a stop , and we turned back . As soon as we set foot on land , we both lay on the ground panting , then we both broke hard into laughter . " You were saying that mules are fearless , right ? " Fazel was in stitches . I said : " Poor mule . See how it had a stroke ? " " Yeah , we even put the mules to shame . " It was funny but we had to think of a solution soon . The next day , when we got to the bridge , we got another mule and covered his eyes with a piece of cloth and tried to cross the bridge hoping it would hold , which was like experiencing death itself , so I told Fazel jokingly : " Let 's go and surrender to the Iraqis . We would at least stay alive or return somehow . " When he opened his eyes , he found himself sleeping on a hospital bed . It was clean and white everywhere . his body was numb and he couldn 't see well with his eyes . He thought he had died and was now in heaven . He thought he was inches away from getting up and going out to see heaven 's gardens , eat its fruits and live in gold and silver palaces . A nurse came into the room holding a syringe in her right hand . The patient noticed the woman and narrowed his eyes and asked in a thick voice : " Are you an angel ? " the nurse was overcome with joy and thought herself to be immensely beautiful and the man to be mentally ill . She giggled and said : " Yes , I 'm an angel . " The patient said : " Then why are you so ugly ? " Never before had I seen him look so gloomy . He was always wearing a smile revealing his shiny white teeth . He was a true mood - maker and never gave up under pressure and in the battle . He was ruthless in attacking the enemy . As some of us said , dangers were afraid of him , and he wasn 't afraid of them . His name was Qasem . His father was in another battalion . Like father , like son ! They were both lively and cheerful . Whenever we wanted to deliver the news of anyone 's martyrdom to their family and friends , we asked Qasem to do it . This was how he delivered the news . He used to joke around and make them forget the sad news for a bit . We criticized him a lot for his method , afraid that such bad news would shock the receiver , but he said : " What 's wrong with martyrdom ? When did it become bad news ? " " Okay , at least get them ready before saying it . " " You expect me to beat around the bush for an hour and ask them : ' Do you have a brother in combat duty ' to have them ask why so I say : ' Don 't worry ! He 's slightly injured in his left toe ' and then tell him two hours later that he was martyred ? No , this is absolutely not my style . I know the ropes better than you . " He stood his ground and it was impossible to change him . This time it was my turn to give the news . I kept thinking how to comfort Qasem and give him the news . At first I wanted to delegate someone else to do it , but everyone believed that I - the commander - was supposed to do this . I found Qasem sitting next to the water tap , washing his clothes . I sat beside him and started with the usual greetings . He stared at me for a moment and said : " Do I have to notify families again ? " I was startled . " Wow ! Now you can read minds too ? Are you an oracle ? " we went and hanged the clothes on the rope . Then we moved near the river beside our camp . Qasem stood on the bank and said : " Bro , just tell me what 's up . If I have to notify someone , I 'll go and tell them in a second . I won 't let them shed a tear . " " Right ! I 've never had to do that before . I 'd first go to the son and greet him and then praise his masculine body and say : " You just look like your late father ! May he rest in piece . " … uh . . well , maybe no … okay this is better . I go and ask him if anyone one in their neighborhood has lost his father in the war and when he says no , I congratulate him for setting being the pioneer … . hmmm no or I ask : " are you the son of that martyr ? " … not good either . I must give the news little by little you said . So I tell him not to worry and that his father has been hit by a tiny 10 - kg bomb in the neck and only a bit of his upper body was cut off … or … " My heart was in pieces . How fresh and cheerful he was . I wished I were him . A layer of tears filled my eyes . Qasem giggled and said : " It 's not about your father , so why are you crying ? " I held his hands in mine . His were warm and mine were cold . He swallowed his laughter and asked : " What 's wrong ? " I took a breath and said : " I wanted to ask you if your father was fighting in the war ? " the smile froze on his face . We stared at each other for a moment in silence . He got himself together in a bit and threw a stone in the river . Then he said in a husky voice : " So it 's my turn now . but you 're wrong . I won 't leave here , " with a faint smile covering his face … His name was Yousef but we called him the colonel … We had been kept in the camp for two years now after being captured by the enemy . He begged us a few times to stop calling him the colonel . He was afraid of the consequences he might have to face . We tried to call him by his real name , but once in a while someone had a slip of tongue and called him colonel again . One day the ward 's door opened and a few armed Iraqi guards entered . Their commander yelled : " Who the hell is Colonel Yousef ? Step forward ! " Yousef was frightened out of his wits . He stepped forward . The Iraqi commander was a major and said : " Look who 's here ! You were a colonel and yet you hid it . " Yousef tried to smile while crying inside and said : " There must be a mistake . I 'm … " " No more words . Take this clown . " They took him in the blink of an eye before we could say anything . A few days passed but we didn 't hear anything about him . We were worried half to death and cursed ourselves for causing him trouble . A few months later one of our friends became sick and after we begged the guards , he was taken to the hospital to be treated . After he returned , he roared with laughter the moment he saw us . We were stunned and thought he had gone crazy , then he said : " Guys . Guess what ? I saw Yousef . " " Oh God ! Had they broken his legs and arms ? " " Is he badly injured ? " " Is he alive ? " he was still laughing and said : " Wait . He sends you guys his best and told me to thank you . " We were all looking at him with eyes wide open . He said that Yousef was having the time of his life after going to colonels ' camps . He was even learning English and French . He " admitted " to being a colonel after being tortured by the Iraqis , and afterwards he gained their respect . Suddenly one of us said : " You know . I was actually a general myself . " |
I was sitting alone at a table for eight in the large dining room of the giant Italian cruise liner on a romantic Mediterranean get - away . At least that was how my wife Kate described it - she had set it up as a way to rekindle our marriage . We 'd been having problems to the point I had moved out this past Thanksgiving , and she had filed for divorce shortly thereafter . I pushed my ice cream and cobbler dessert around with my spoon having no appetite . My insides were filled with anger at recent events that had turned this romantic cruise into a body blow of bad news . I really should have been an actor , keeping the sappy smile on my face all evening while the two adulterers sat on either side of me at dinner while I seethed . Just before dinner , an overheard conversation had confirmed my suspicions that my wife of twenty five years was having an affair with her twin sister 's husband , Alan . That was really adding insult to injury . Why 'd she pick him anyway ? Her affair with that jerk , and all the crap I had suffered at her hands for more than a year , made the idea reconciliation impossible . I 'd never liked the bastard and now I wanted to kill him . On top of everything else he and my wife 's sister Melissa shouldn 't have been on this cruise anyway . Kate and Melissa had left our table and gone off to the powder room . Alan had left with the two Australian couples who had been our dinner companions - to the bar , most likely for something stronger than the wine we had at dinner . So now I was sitting at the table alone . Perhaps Alan had detected my underlying mood and didn 't want to be left alone with me while our wives were gone . Maybe he was afraid I 'd ask him , " So Alan , how long you been fucking Kate ? " I really wanted to wipe that smirk off his face and vowed to do so soon , but first my engineer brain would analyze the problem and work out a course of action that would be the most advantageous to me , and the most hurtful to Alan and Kate . Melissa was probably as clueless as I had been , although I had it on good authority that they were having their own problems . Alan was a womanizer and why she kept him was a mystery to me . Now his antics with Kate were going to blow up two marriages . Melissa was a sweet person and I had liked her from the first time we met , but I suspected that Alan 's affair with her sister was going to be one affair too many . I also suspected that it would break the cozy relationship the sisters had had all their lives . She and Kate were fraternal twins , but still the resemblance was striking , with their long brown hair and very sexy and tall model - like bodies . I think each tried to outdo each other at the gym and kept in " swimsuit form " all year around despite each having two grown children . Melissa and Kate were inseparable and she and Alan lived only a few blocks from our home in a suburb of Atlanta . Alan sold insurance and mostly worked out of an office at home . Gee , easier to make a cuckold of me , I thought . How very convenient that Kate had to spend a lot of time at Melissa 's house . How many of those visits were with Alan alone ? God knows Kate was never home these days as it was , with her job and all , but I had never questioned her trips to see her sister . Kate would just head out the door and walk over to their house and be gone for hours . This day had started off on a positive note with an unbelievable bout of sex initiated by Kate in our hotel in Rome . It seemed for the last couple of weeks , since we had been " dating " after our month - long separation , Kate had tried to kill me with make - up sex . She 'd dragged out all the sexy lingerie and we were very much like newlyweds again . The kids were still around , but that 's another story , and then she surprised me with this cruise . I resisted , telling her it was too soon , but she finally convinced me that we needed to get away to get our marriage back on track after all our difficulties of the past year . I was really too busy to take almost two weeks away from my engineering business , and I was still smarting from all the bullshit she 'd heaped on me , but I went along knowing I had to make an effort . Of course that was before I discovered the affair . I had puzzled over the fact that that it seemed we had been at each other 's throats for the year or perhaps longer . We just couldn 't agree on anything . We used to be able to work together on everything but in the last year especially , it seemed each discussion became an argument she had to win . At Thanksgiving we had a blowup that caused me to pack a bag and move out . A week later , in early December I was served with divorce papers at my office . Merry Christmas sucker ! Since the kids were old enough to be considered adults and we both had good jobs , her settlement petition seemed damned unreasonable . The spousal maintenance and demands to relinquish title to the house stuck in my craw , but I was too angry and hurt to try and fight . So like an idiot I had signed the documents , despite my attorney 's misgivings , and he sent them to her attorney . As I sat alone with my thoughts , I gazed around . Our table was relatively secluded in the huge seagoing dining room , but damn this place was over the top gaudy . How had she ever picked this ship ? Well at least our stateroom with balcony , was comfortable enough , in an upscale chain hotel kind of way . And there was very little sensation of movement as the ship moved through the , for now placid mid - winter Mediterranean . On the downside , after what I had observed earlier today when Melissa and Alan had showed up , and then later when my suspicions were confirmed ; I was not planning to actually sleep in the stateroom with my wife - the unfaithful , back - stabbing bitch . I sipped my wine . I had nursed it throughout the meal , wanting to stay sharp for the confrontation that was to come later when I announced to Kate I was divorcing her , without the beneficent terms I 'd agreed to just last month when we were separated . Furthermore , I was getting off the ship tomorrow when we reached Savona . Some wag had once said , " Life 's a bitch , then you marry one , and then you die . " That 's how I was feeling . Hell , it was Friday the thirteenth . How could this day get any shittier ? Thank goodness it was almost the end of the day . He poured the last of the wine from the bottle and then looked at our plates . I nodded for him to clear them away and noticed , like mine , Kate 's dessert was untouched . I thought about it and recalled seeing the waiter take away her mostly uneaten entrée . She had been very quiet at dinner . This day had not gone well for her either I suspected . Fortunately the Australians and Melissa had more than kept up their end of the conversation at dinner . The Aussies were a bit younger than the four of us , with kids just nearing high school age , and they were off on a romantic seaboard adventure with in - laws watching the kids back in Perth . When Kate and I had departed our hotel in Rome at noon today for the port city of Civitavecchia she had snuggled against me in the back of the taxi , still glowing from our lovemaking of the morning . Despite my misgivings I think I was coming around to the idea that this vacation was the start of what we needed to repair our marriage . I was pretty sure I had successfully hidden those misgivings since embarking on our travel from Hartsfield International in Atlanta . It was still hard to get past the acrimony of the past year , and the realization during the month or so I was living on my own that we had drifted so far apart over the last couple of years that the only solution was divorce . When we got to the port and saw the size of the ship , Kate 's only comment was , " Oh my . " I refrained from saying what I thought . Had I not been aware that she had put this trip together to try and save our marriage I would have just called the immense white ship , " Costa Moby Dick " . Actually not so long ago when we both still had a sense of humor , I would have made some comments , and we both would have laughed . Now we were walking on eggshells around each other . The ship seemed so top heavy that it offended my engineer sense of proportion . It looked like it was ready to capsize any second . But I knew they had been building these kinds of mammoth , dare I say titanic , cruise ships for years and for the most part they managed to stay afloat and upright . Regardless , Kate had assured me with a wicked smile that we would be spending the majority of our seven days afloat in our cabin while she modeled all the new lingerie she had picked up at Victoria 's Secret . Sex wasn 't the most important thing in a marriage but it was a good place to start in helping to repair one - and perhaps we could have those pillow talks like we used to , where we shared our dreams and our successes , and comforted each other in our failures . I hoped so . We heard someone call out , " Kate and James ! " We both looked up trying to think of anyone we might know who would be here , and to my dismay it was Melissa and Alan . They had booked passage at the last minute to surprise us . Melissa worked in hospital administration , and was what I considered a pretty smart person . That was in most things . Of course what had prompted her to marry a weasel like Alan I didn 't know . And of course she had little judgment as far as her sister went . Didn 't she realize that this was a trip for just Kate and me ? She had known all too well about our separation . With their own troubles now and over the years , perhaps she thought it was a good idea to get away with Alan for some alone time too . As Melissa prattled about her surprise , practically bubbling over with excitement , I tuned her out to watch Kate . She was ashen and seemed very unsteady . I noticed she was trying very hard not to look at Alan . He , on the other hand was staring at her with an expression I can only describe as smug , almost proprietary . It was then that it felt like someone had put a knife in my chest . I didn 't have any solid proof of Kate 's infidelity , but at that point as the Brit 's say , " the penny dropped . " Everything we 'd been through the last several months pointed to Kate having an affair . It 's just that I hadn 't put all the little and big things together . And , of course it was with Alan . Visits to Alan and Melissa ' house would not be questioned . And the sudden absence of contact with them both the last couple of weeks , while Kate and I began trying to stitch our marriage back together spoke volumes . Perhaps Kate had broken it off , or at least called a time out , while she tried to lure the cuckold back into her house and bed . She 'd been pretty quick with the divorce action after I moved out . She said she did it to try to get my attention since I cut off all contact . She also said she loved me and wanted us back together . Right . Maybe things hadn 't worked out quite as well with Alan as she had planned and she had second thoughts , so she had decided to give her poor schmuck of a husband another chance . Or maybe she figured I was better than nothing while she hunted around for another replacement . Lord knows she didn 't need my money . I realized our marriage had really started to come apart maybe three or four years ago . We just didn 't know it . My engineering firm had started to take off and I had at that time about a dozen employees . Kate had taken the job as assistant manager of an upscale restaurant in Buckhead , an always trendy part of Atlanta . We really didn 't need the money but the kids were in high school and she felt they didn 't need her , so she went back to work . Two years ago she accepted the position of manager of the restaurant . We had our first argument about work and family at that time . It also coincided with our son Matt leaving for college . Kate put her spear in the ground and wouldn 't budge . She was going to take that job despite the long hours and lack of home life . So we hardly saw one another . Our daughter Emily was in high school and involved in every kind of activity there was and seemed hardly to notice we were never around . A year ago our straight " A " son quit school and moved home . He didn 't flunk out of college , he just quit , saying he needed to find himself . I thought that was a load of crap and Kate and I fought for days over how that should be handled . I wanted him to find a job and pay room and board . Kate wouldn 't hear of it , saying he just needed some " down time . " Eventually I backed down . It wasn 't worth the emotional turmoil , although to Kate 's displeasure I made my feelings known to Matt . Then in the late spring he suddenly moved out of the house . He 'd been home four months and never even looked for a job . I was particularly furious when I discovered that Kate was giving him $ 100 a week allowance . We fought about that too . Matt had gone to Boulder Colorado and Kate had given him $ 2 , 000 to get started . Emily let that slip one day . I think she was a little jealous . I also got a text from Matt one time that he had accidentally sent to me instead of his mother saying the $ 1000 per month really was not enough because Boulder was so expensive . That precipitated an explosion on my part which resulted in Kate not speaking to me for a week . Although I don 't think Matt got any more money . Then there was the fight over Emily joining a sorority . She was going to attend the same college as her mother and Kate felt it was important that Emily pledge at her sorority there . I thought the whole fraternity sorority system was a scam and a monumental waste of money , Emily was a brilliant student and I just couldn 't see how she would fit in . I also thought I had detected some doubts on the part of Emily , but by the end of the summer she had sided with her mother and decided to pledge . I was disappointed but tried hard not to show it . Kate on the other hand seemed to gloat at another victory over her idiot husband . I just couldn 't figure out why everything had to be a battle . For most of our marriage we had discussed things and come to a consensus . Not anymore . And then once Emily got to campus she cut off all communication with me . I didn 't ask Kate what was going on , or even if she had heard from Emily . She would probably have just given me some bull about needing to be a better father . About the beginning of October 2011 Matt returned home again . I had been on a month - long trip to the Philippines where we were a subcontractor on a dam project in Luzon . I walked in and there he was in the downstairs family room . He was watching TV and eating from a bag of potato chips . An open bottle of my beer was on the coffee table in front of him . His hair was long and he was unshaven . I looked at him with undisguised contempt and said , " Find yourself yet ? " Kate and I never discussed his presence . Actually there was little of it , for it seemed he was either in his room or out with friends - at least while I was around the house . At that time I started practically living at my office and I would travel a lot so maybe I was at home a couple days a week . I would usually come home on a weekend do some work around the house and leave again . I didn 't sleep in the master bedroom , and Kate never commented on it , of course Kate and I rarely saw each other anyway . Her job at the restaurant meant long and late hours . Not seeing me and not sleeping with me seemed to suit Kate just fine . We used to have a very active sex life and I felt it was enjoyable for both of us . Finally it all came to a head on Thanksgiving . We were spared Alan 's presence since Melissa had developed pneumonia , so Alan elected to play the dutiful husband and stay home . Their twins , Simone and Sofia did decide to join us though . They were sophomores in the engineering program at Georgia Tech , my alma mater , and they were as outgoing and delightful as Emily was withdrawn and sullen . Emily had come home from school for Thanksgiving with an amazingly disrespectful attitude , piercings , and her chestnut hair dyed black , and she brought with her Brantley " Lee " Eversole . I thought of him as " Brad you asshole . " He was just a spoiled rich kid a couple of years older than Emily , who affected the same retro Goth that she did . It was almost laughable . Of course Kate was horrified . And was practically apoplexic when Emily announced she had left " that pack of losers " at the sorority after the first month . I wisely kept my mouth shut . Matt even graced us with his presence at the Thanksgiving table . Of course the meal was catered . Kate was much too busy to cook a Thanksgiving meal even though I volunteered to help as did Melissa 's twins . She said she was around cooking all the time at the restaurant and wasn 't about to spend any more time in a kitchen than she had to . The diner was a strained affair to say the least . The twins and I watched our alcohol intake but the others did not . Of course it soon became obvious that Emily and Brantley were stoned out of their minds . I was familiar with the symptoms and was not amused . I think Kate just tried to ignore it by drinking more wine . About the time dessert was served and the caterers packed up and left , I excused myself for a few moments and went to Emily 's room . Actually it was the room she was sharing with Brantley , although we had to suffer the charade that he had the guest bedroom . When I walked in , the first thing I noticed was several condom wrappers on the floor near the bed . I took some satisfaction in the knowledge that they were at least practicing safe sex . The fact she was flaunting their drug use really bothered me . What had happened to the sweet daddy 's girl who used to be my beautiful daughter ? Maybe she was just turning into her mother , twenty years early . On the nightstand I found what I was looking for - a gallon size Ziploc full of marijuana . I 'd never seen so much dope . It looked like a damn pillow . Next to it was a quart baggie full of a pharmacy worth of pills of every description . Asshole was obviously not just a casual user , the bastard was a dealer . Then he made a mistake . I could see it in his eyes and he telegraphed his punch so far ahead I could have taken a nap before responding . I caught him in the solar plexus and the air burst out of him and he dropped like a sack . Too bad he was so wrecked because I 'd have liked him to feel more pain . I invited her to leave with lover boy as I yelled at him to not vomit on the carpet . About that point Kate jumped up and came up to me and slurred , " You bastard ! " and she took a swing at me . Since she had too much to drink and was pretty unsteady , I just caught her arm and spun her around so she landed on her ass on the floor . There was surprise on her face as she looked up at me , but it seemed there was hatred in her eyes . I had never touched her before in anger , nor threated to . Actually Kate had never tried to slap me before either . When I returned Simone and Sofia stood in the front hall with their coats on ready to leave . They each kissed me on the lips and gave me a very long hug . Ever polite , and with a wink , they thanked their " Uncle James for a most entertaining evening . " They were gorgeous identical blondes dressed in clingy cashmere sweaters and skin - tight jeans . In their very high heels they were almost as tall as I was at six one . They , like their mother and aunt , had modeled in high school . Ah to be twenty again I mused , or even thirty . . . A week later I got the divorce papers at my office . In the interim , Kate had tried to call me dozens of times and I had to duck out the side entrance to my office a couple of times when she showed up , but I was too damn angry to have anything to do with her . I laughed when I looked at the divorce papers because they also included a restraining order which alleged all kinds of violence against Kate and our children . I was prohibited from contacting them in any way and had to stay away from the house and places of employment . Well , that was my intention anyway , and would apparently solve the problem of Kate 's calls and visits . Kate must have been really pissed that I had dumped her on her ass when she tried to slap me , but she did deserve it . Of course , no complaint was filed with the police . My attorney did get affidavits from Sofia and Simone , just in case . He said the twins seemed amused , and were more than happy to set things straight . I supposed I could have gotten the restraining order quashed , but what was the point ? I had no intention of seeing my bitch of a wife or my two useless children . They deserved each other . I moved into an extended stay hotel while I looked for a more permanent place . The hotel suited me - I had someone to clean every day and there was a washer and a dryer in the unit plus a full kitchen . In childhood I 'd picked up some basic cooking skills , and once Kate 's job ate up more and more of her time I had refined those skills . Still , there were lots of nights when I settled for a ham sandwich and a beer . I also continued to spend a lot of time at the YMCA . My workouts and my swims just got longer because I didn 't have a home to go to , or feel responsible for . Christmas Day found me alone in my office trying to catch up on a number of projects . Of course I 'd been invited by several of my staff to join them for holiday dinner , but I didn 't feel like it . Actually it was kind of liberating not having to worry about trying to find a gift for Kate and my two ungrateful children , or to try and socialize with a bunch of folks who were enjoying their Christmas . I had ordered iPad 's for Simone and Sofia though . They were still in touch by text and phone anyway , showing concern about how I was doing . " Merry Christmas " they said in unison . Damn they were beautiful . I tried hard not to stare at inappropriate places , but from their Santa hats to their high heel boots they were as sexy as you could imagine . It was as if Playboy Christmas centerfolds had come to my door . I stepped back from the door and watched them go by . They smelled as delicious as they looked . It was a little on the cool side even for Atlanta and they weren 't wearing coats so the fact they weren 't wearing bras was also pretty obvious . Simone wore a red silk blouse and Sofia a matching dark green one and their nipples looked like they were going to force their way through the fabric at any second . They walked by me and set their Christmas bags on the dining table before turning to me and giving me very affectionate hugs and again some kisses on the lips that were hardly those of uncle and nieces . There was no way I could disguise my hardness . They had to have felt it during the hug session . Oh well I thought , they were twenty now and in college , so probably nothing they hadn 't felt before - well of course they hadn 't felt me before . We finished the second bottle of champagne and I opened a bottle of Torrentes . There was lots of laughing , and I was pleased they had each purchased a couple of books for me . They really were things I was interested in reading , which meant they had paid attention over the years to my tastes and interests . " So , your mother 's not making her Christmas feast this year ? " I asked , knowing well they would not be here if Melissa had been slaving all week in the kitchen . She was quite proud of the fact that her dinners surpassed most fine restaurants . " We know . . . but she just didn 't seem to be in the mood . She and dad have been fighting . We 're not sure what about but we suspect dad 's been out . . . well you know . . . " Simone nodded and smiled , and said , " Plus we had to thank you for the iPad 's . What a wonderful surprise . I don 't know how you manage to find just the right thing each Christmas , but you do . . . that 's just one of the things we love about you . " Suddenly I felt sad . It was the first Christmas I had missed , and I commented , " I don 't think Emily and Matt missed me much . You saw them at Thanksgiving . The last thing Emily said to me was that she wished I was dead . " " She broke up with Brantley . It was a good thing too . He wrapped his car around a light pole a week or so ago and almost killed the girl who was with him at the time . The police found a bunch of drugs in his car - even more than he had at Thanksgiving . Once Brantley gets out of the hospital he 'll be in jail . Even his parent 's refuse to have anything to do with him . Emily feels so stupid . . . " " Emily got rid of all her piercings and had her hair colored back to close to its original color . I think she was expecting you to be at Christmas . . . We think she planned to apologize . " Sophia chimed in , " It was pretty obvious that she was crushed when you weren 't there and there was no gift from you , especially when we opened our iPad 's . Emily burst into tears and left the room . I know it was stupid of her to expect anything considering how she treated you but , well you know how it is . . . I think Matt was a little disappointed too . " I moved her off my lap and stood . There was no hiding the bulge she had caused . I 'd had enough champagne that it didn 't bother me . Sofia and Simone snuggled against me , boots off and red polished toes hidden under a throw as we laughed at the antics of young Ralphie as he schemes to get his BB gun . We were feeling no pain and I came to notice that my arms were around the girls and my palms had come to rest on some very firm breasts with very erect nipples . Each of the twins had a hand on my upper thigh , and those hands tended to rove a bit . By the end of the movie we were all in a state of high sexual excitement and at that point Sofia turned to me and kissed me as she wrapped both arms around my neck . Her tongue found a happy dueling partner , as her sister 's hand grabbed my hard cock . How she had gotten the zipper down on my jeans I hadn 't any idea . The girls took turns plastering themselves against me . At the same time my hands were not idle as I caressed their breasts through the exquisite feeling silk of their blouses . They held each other and then did something so incredibly erotic if I 'd have touched my cock I would have gone off like a rocket . They started kissing each other and then they moved back and started unbuttoning each other 's blouses . Soon they were naked but not before much more kissing of lips , nipples , and flat stomachs and lower , and rubbing against each other as they became even more aroused . The room filled with the smell of exquisite excited female . Their bodies were perfect and their pale bushes were neatly trimmed . I was in heaven . It was like being part of a Viv Thomas porn video . Did I feel guilty for betraying Kate ? Not a bit , and it wasn 't just the champagne . Kate had become a stranger who had apparently fallen out of love with me . She had started this whole process and it was clear she wanted out of our marriage . All that was left to do was to live through the days until the divorce was final - and I certainly wasn 't going to pass up any opportunity like the one I was being presented ! We ended up in my big bed and spent the rest of the night and a good portion of the morning in every sexual position that three people can probably think of . I was proud of the fact that I gave as good as I got . The twins really inspired me to new heights , so to speak . After a joint shower , they left about noon and I went back to bed and slept until evening . Merry Christmas to me ! For the remainder of Christmas week it was Simone or Sofia who would join me each night . When I asked if their parent 's might notice their absence , Simone explained that as long as one twin was around , it was easy to fool them into thinking they were both at home . She said they had done that for years , covering for each other playing a dual role with their parents , who unlike me never had much luck telling one from the other . On New Year 's Eve I had both girls again . We went out for a nice but expensive meal at a restaurant which was a competitor of the one Kate managed . Part of the reason I picked it was that I knew the owner , and I was sure my presence that night with two beautiful women would get back to Kate . The twins did a repeat of Christmas and by the time they left around noon on New Year 's Day I was barely ambulatory . They said they hated to leave but they had to get back to school to move into a new apartment , and in the time before school started needed to catch up a bit on their studies . I apologized , somewhat less than sincerely for monopolizing their study time . They giggled when they asked if upon their return in a few weeks I would promise to behave myself . I told then I would try very hard . This elicited more giggles . Damn they were beautiful and fun . I hated to see them leave . The only thing that struck me odd was one morning Sofia was in my kitchen with nothing on except a black silk slip and heels and she was talking to her sister on the phone . She didn 't know I was in the hallway . I grinned as she talked about my love - making , but then I heard her say " It 's poetic justice . " Considering all that had happened since , it seemed unbelievable that New Year 's Day was just twelve days ago . After the twins left I spent the next few hours cleaning . I even washed the sheets and aired out the place . I had just showered ( again ) and put on some sweats and opened a beer when the doorbell chimed . Sitting at the big table on the giant liner I wished I 'd never let her in . Had I known she was fucking Alan at that time there might have been good reason to call the police . But I stepped back and motioned her inside . " I 'm so sorry James ! " She wailed as she rushed toward me . I fended her off . She wasn 't going to be allowed to hug me any time soon , nor was I inclined to hug her . I let Kate go on for several minutes telling me that she loved me and that she 's been so stupid to treat me the way she had and that she really wanted us back together . All the time she was bawling away . It was pretty convincing at the time I had to admit , but I managed to get my licks in . I told her that her actions and those of our kids were unacceptable and if and I meant if I came home things were going to change . I 'm usually a pretty easy - gong guy and I don 't think Kate had ever seen me this angry . I didn 't shout or take her over my knee as I was tempted to do , but I made it quite clear that she had hurt me greatly and that I wasn 't going to come home until I was sure things had changed between us . So the next day she called and told me the restraining order had been cancelled and asked me to come to the house for dinner . I refused , instead opting for a restaurant . It wasn 't until the following Sunday we got in bed together . Kate tried to kill me with her enthusiasm . I couldn 't help comparing her performance to that of the twins . Kate did pretty well in that category . Her experience with me made up for the lack of youthful enthusiasm . A few days later she arrived at my place and asked me about the cruise . I did resist but after some enthusiastic persuasion she convinced me . I didn 't think more about Simone 's comment about " poetic justice " until things started falling into place while we were getting ready to board the ship today . The twins must have known that Kate and Alan were having an affair . Why didn 't they tell me ? Lots of reasons I expect , to include they loved us both and didn 't want to see two marriages fail , despite what they thought about their father . It was just one more of those pieces that came together to complete the picture puzzle of infidelity that was Kate and Alan . After we boarded Kate walked to our stateroom like a zombie and told me she was tired needed a bit of a nap before dinner . Earlier in the day she had promised an immediate recap of the morning 's activities as soon as we got on the ship . I guess running into your lover and his wife might put you off a bit , I mused . I played the solicitous husband and left her to it while I went to the gym . I wanted to be away from her . Away with some time to think - think and process what I knew or thought I knew . And then it really all came together as I stood listening outside my stateroom door when I returned from long workout at the well - equipped , but mostly deserted onboard gym . As I approached the door and took my key card from my pocket I heard Alan and Kate arguing . He was upset she had ended their affair , and she kept insisting that it had been a mistake from the beginning and that she was going to make it up to me . Alan laughed at that . He told her that it would never be the same now that she 'd had a " real man " and that she didn 't really love me - the proof was their affair for the last several months . He wanted them to get together while on the cruise . She told him it was over , and that I was all the " real man " she needed . He said it would be over when he said it was over and not before . I do have to admit I enjoyed Kate 's response . At least the loud slap I heard through the door seemed pretty definitive . Too bad she hadn 't done that months ago , but now it was much too late . I didn 't stay around long enough to hear anything more - no reason to . I had everything I needed to start , or should I say resume the divorce proceeding . I decided to leave the two of them alone and then reappear just before our dinner reservations at about 8 : 30 pm , so I went exploring the ship . It 's funny how those things work out . That hour or so I spent wandering the ship would later save my life . So much for the wonderful makeup sex filled cruise . That wasn 't going to happen at least for me . Maybe Alan would get his wish after I left the ship . After what I considered the " debacle on the dock " with Melissa and Alan , followed by the conversation in our cabin while they thought I was still at the gym , our marriage was well and truly over and no amount of makeup sex , or cruising the Mediterranean could repair the breach caused by Kate 's infidelity . I was going to divorce her and go on with my life . I looked at my watch . It was now almost ten and the girls weren 't back from their trip to the loo . Maybe they had gone straight to the bar . I was impatient to say our goodnights to the others and go back to the cabin so I could tell her I was leaving and divorcing her . I figured I 'd give them another five minutes before going to search . I saw Melissa and Kate coming toward me across the dining room . They were laughing and in their short cocktail dresses and heels they turned a lot of heads . They were beautiful that was true . My anger was suddenly replaced by a terrible feeling of loss and sadness . As they got closer Kate lost her smile as she looked at me . We had been together a long time and she wasn 't stupid . She could tell there was something seriously wrong . There was a strong vibration from somewhere in the bowels of the ship . I knew immediately it was nothing that was associated with the normal operation of a ship . The deck seemed to jiggle and I grabbed the back of one of the chairs and at the same time helped Kate with her balance . The vibration seemed to go on for a long time and the sound of falling crockery came from the direction of the kitchen . Then the lights flickered but stayed on . All of this caused a lot of nervous laughter and some obviously inebriated comments from around the dining room . There was no doubt in my mind that the ship had hit something . I also knew that rocks versus a metal hull , rocks win every time , and from the duration of the vibration I figured there was a severe damage to the hull . I looked around . The crew seemed nonplussed and most of the diners had returned to their meals . |
On one occasion the famous preacher and American leader Martin Luther King was about to give one of his famous lectures about human rights . He quickly noticed that a little black girl was at the front of the Auditorium . Somewhat surprised , he asked one of his assistants in the respect , and told him that the girl had been the first to reach the site . There was a man who had four sons . As part of his education , he wanted them to learn to not judge people and things as fast as it is usually done . He then sent them to each , in turn , see a pear tree that was far away from his home . When everyone had gone and returned , the father called them and asked them to describe what they had seen . The first son said that the tree was ugly , like Gibbous and twisted , seemed dry and lifeless . The second said that no , that tree was covered with green buds and full of suckers that promised flowers . The third son disagreed : he said he was full of flowers , which emanated a sweet aroma and looked beautiful ; It was the tree more filled with grace had ever seen . The last of the children nor agreed with none of them . He said the tree was loaded with ripe pears , full of SAP and well - being . As birds flocked to the pear tree to eat of the fruits that were withering , all its about is filled with an exquisite aroma . A man who regularly attended the meetings of a particular group , without any warning left to participate in its activities . After a few weeks , a very cold night the leader of that group decided to visit him . He found the man at home , single , sitting in front of a fireplace where burned a bright and cozy fire . Guessing the reason for the visit , the man welcomed the leader , led him to a big chair near the fireplace and stood still , waiting for a question . A serious silence was made . The two men only watched the dance of flames surrounding the trunks of wood that crepitaban . The host paid attention to everything , fascinated but restless . Soon after , flame of the solitary Ember fell , until there was only a momentary glow and the fire went out suddenly . In a short time , which was a sign of light and heat , was nothing more than a black , cold and dead piece of coal covered by a light coating of ash . Very few words had been spoken since the ritual greeting between the two friends . When the child finished reading what she had written , I had tear - filled eyes . He looked at her in the eyes and said : - I love you , MOM . Then he took the pen and wrote with very large in the paper : fully paid . - Do you see that wood which is close to that Creek ? I then cut it recently . My brother Javier lives front and , because of our enmity , deflected that Creek to definitely separate . So I don 't want to see your home . Leave the custom make me a very high fence that prevents me view . At nightfall , the father had thought about what had happened and felt guilty . Perhaps his son wanted to buy something . In the end , wanting to download his consciousness looked to his son 's room . - That is very easy - you answered the OWL , almost without looking at it . Get wings to grow you and then flies out of here . That is all you have to do . At the site of one of the largest cement companies in the country , vehicles could only dispense gasoline between 1 : 00 and 1 : 30 p . m . , i . e . for 30 minutes , due to the regulations of the Superintendency of the mine . An employee had the order of the head of warehouse only to provide the product in that hour and during that period of time . That same employee had to do other tasks after completing the trade of fuel supplier . All engineers , without exception , should fill the tank at that hour , or ran out of gasoline . However , some users were so busy that gasoline more than once asked at another time . The head of the warehouse had complained of the lack of order , but had also been accused of being very condescending with his friends . As on numerous occasions the employee did wrong the next work , by the fact of having to dispense gasoline to fee , Superintendent of the mine required them to users and the warehouse be governed by the existing standard and sent a strict memorandum . A few days later , after dispensing gasoline warehouse Chief he returned walking tank when it was picked up by the Superintendent , who was needed fuel . The head of the warehouse not refused to provide the product . Of course that could leave it as it was . As much as it was , the paper always remained full of creases and wrinkles . Then the master topped saying : An old man went to live with his son , daughter - in - law and their four - year - old grandson . He lived alone and wanted to share his last days with his family . The years had not passed in vain : hands , their view was clumsy trembled and his steps were not as flimsy as before . The family ate gathered at the dining room table , but shaking hands and ill grandfather view that feed was a difficult issue . Peas fell from his spoon on the floor and when she tried to take the vessel it was frequently that spilled you the milk on the table . As it had already broken several dishes , they decided to serve your food in a wooden Bowl . Occasionally they looked toward the site of the grandfather and they could see him a furtive tear while I was there sitting and just . However , the only words the couple directing him were accusations whenever he dropped some utensils , or food . The five - year - old grandson watched in silence . The words of the small beat their parents so that they were left speechless . Tears rolled down her cheeks . And , although no word was said on the matter , both knew what they had to do . Gandhi , the spiritual leader of the Hindus , had an amazing goodness with everyone . Many of their stories speak of this detail . But the next episode is different : one of his disciples felt jealous and wanted to kill him . One day the teacher was walking and reflecting on a solitary path . From the top of a nearby Hill , the traitor who stalked him threw a large stone that made roll down the slope . Fortunately the stone locked with a tree and stopped before hit the target . Later two men crossed the same and Gandhi , without hesitation , proceeded to greet him with joy and respect . The man asked very surprised if he wasn 't angry with him . Gandhi replied that not . A first reading suggests that one can change from a period to another . " No one bathes twice in the same river " , as Heraclitus said . If so , it will not be better to start by believing that feelings have changed from a period to another , and other feelings , beginning with forgiveness , they can keep the heart full of light ? There , in that dark place , he asked that shout in the air , with all the forces of their lungs , any kind of insults and grievances to the dead . After doing so , indicated it that they also shout all kinds of praise and congratulations . It was very funny to see in the cemetery all those men and women who seemed to be a group of madmen . - It seems that it is necessary to learn from the dead . Like them , you have to be indifferent to praise both offenses . Of that indifference can flourish other virtues such as kindness and understanding . In a country at war , there was a King who caused fear . Not that taking prisoners in the battles he killed them . It just took them to a room where there was a group of archers on one side and a huge iron gate on the other side , on which were engraved figures of skulls covered in blood . The soldier separated fearfully door , but as she opened , they were entering bright rays of Sun that lit up the atmosphere . He finally discovered that the door opened on a road leading to freedom . The soldier , admired , just looked at their King while this explained : He had hardly seen her . It was an elderly lady with his car stranded on the road . The day was gray , rainy and cold , but Alberto could realize that the old woman needed help . He parked his old Pontiac in front of the Mercedes of the elderly woman who was still coughing when he was approached . But with a nervous smile on his face , he realized that she was concerned . No one had stopped for more than one hour when it was stranded in the busy highway . For the old lady , the man who approached didn 't look very good and rather might be a criminal . As there was nothing to prevent it was at their mercy . The man looked poor and hungry . When Alberto finished fixing the rim , she asked how much they owed him . He had not thought about the money . For him it was only helping someone in a time of need : was their best way to pay for the times that he , in turn , had helped him when he was in similar situations . Alberto was accustomed to living well . A few kilometers later , Lady saw a small cafe . He thought it would be good to remove the cold with a cup of hot coffee and a donut before embarking on the last leg of his trip . It was a little a bit ruined place . Outside were two old fuel pumps that had not used in years . Enter , he is set inside and observed that the cash register resembled those of pine nuts that were used when I was young . A friendly waitress approached him and extended him a paper towel so to dry hair , wet from the rain . The girl had a nice face , with a graceful smile , the kind of smile that is not deleted if it was many hours standing . The old woman noticed that the waitress would have how eight months pregnant and , however , this didn 't make him change his sympathetic attitude towards customers . He thought of the people who has so little but can be generous with strangers . When the girl returned with the change , it was found that lady was gone . They hoped to reach it to give returns . But running towards the door saw , at the table where the elderly woman was , something written on a cocktail napkin beside four tickets for $ 50 . Eyes filled him with tears when he read the note : " I have nothing , I was once like you are . Someone helped me and now I am helping you . And if you want to thank me , this is what you can do : don 't help and be a blessing to others , as I do with you today . It continues to give your love and your sympathy , and don 't let breaking this chain of blessings " . Although there were tables clean and sugar filled , that day was flying to the waitress . That night , in his house , while he quietly entered his bed to not wake her exhausted husband who had to get up very early , thought about what the old woman had done with it . . . How would have guessed she needs with her husband , and the economic problems that were going on with the advent of the baby ? The girl was aware of the concern that was her husband by his situation and I wanted to tell him there same thing happened . It is said that in ancient China , a Prince was next to be crowned Emperor , but , according to the law , should marry before the ceremony . The Prince decided to make a contest among the girls of the Court to see who would be worthy of his proposal . The next day , he announced that he would receive in a special celebration to all the suitors and would launch a challenge . An old woman who served in the Palace heard comments on the preparations , and felt a slight sadness because I knew her young granddaughter had a deep feeling of love for the Prince . To reach the House and tell the plan of the Prince , it amazed of knowing that she wanted to go to the celebration . Unable to believe what he asked : - Do my daughter , you are going to do ? All the most beautiful and prosperous Court girls will be there . Get this insane idea of head . I know you must be suffering , but don 't make that the suffering becomes madness . - No , dear Grandma , I am not suffering and I am not crazy . I know that I will be ever chosen , but it is my opportunity to be at least for a few moments near the Prince . This will make me happy . Time passed and the young sweet , although it did not have much skill in the arts of gardening , looked after with patience and tenderness of his seed . Three months passed and nothing flowed . The boy tried all methods I knew , but they were unsuccessful . Every day saw further his dream , but his love was even more profound . At the end of the six months nothing had sprung up . However , conscious of their effort and dedication , but chances of winning , girl told his grandmother that he would return to the Palace in the date and time agreed only to be close to Prince for a few moments . At the appointed time she was there , with his earth - filled jug and without flowers , happy to see the beautiful face of his beloved . All other suitors had been in their flowerpots flowers in different shapes and colors . The Prince noted each of the suitors with much care and attention . After seeing them all , one by one , announced its conclusion : that beautiful young woman with his jug without flowers would be his future wife . During a battle , certain general decided to attack the adversary knowing that his army was inferior in the number of troops . But I was confident to win , even when his men were full of doubts . Road operations , stood in a chapel . After praying with his men , the general took out a coin and said : - Now I 'll pull this coin . If it is expensive , we will win . If it is cross , we will lose . The destination will be revealed . It pulled the coin in the air and everyone looked attentive as he landed on the ground . It was expensive . The soldiers were so happy and so confident that they vigorously attacked the enemy and got the victory . The jeweler taught him one . A beautiful stone , lone , shining like a tiny glowing Sun . The boy looked at the ring and with a smile passed it , he asked the price and decided to pay it . - Is for my mom - said the boy - . When I was going to be born no one could join her and her pregnancy was full of difficulties ; someone had advised him that it stopped my birth so you avoid problems in the future . But she refused and insisted I gave the gift of life . Since then continued their problems ; However , it was father and mother for me , was friend and sister , and was my teacher . In the end , it made me who I am . So , as she never had an engagement ring , now that I can I will give as a promise that if she did everything for me now I will do everything for her . Perhaps then give someone else another engagement ring , but it will be the second . An American tourist was the city of Cairo , with the purpose of visit to a famous Sage . The tourist was surprised to see that the wise man lived in a small room , very simple and full of books . The only pieces of furniture were a bed , a table and a bench . Blue cloud , do you see that mountain to the North of our village ? You will have to climb it alone and without more weapons to a network and your hands . You will have to hunt more beautiful and vigorous mount Falcon . If you catch it , you will have to bring it here with life the third day after full moon , you understand ? And you , Bull - continued the Witcher , you will have to climb the mountain of Thunder . When you reach the top , you 'll find the most brave of all the Eagles and , only with your hands and a network , you must catch it without injury , bring it to me , live , on the same day that will come blue cloud . Go now ! - Non - repeated the old - . They will do what I tell you : remove them with care and tie them together : with these leather straps join the left leg of the Eagle the right leg of the Falcon . When they have done so , drop them and let them fly free . The Warrior and the young man did what they were told and released birds . Both the Eagle and the Hawk tried to lift flight but only managed to roll and flap across the floor . A few minutes later , irritated by the inability to raise birds warred to Peck each other to cause injury . The old man said : It is said that a little boy wanted to see God . I knew it was a long and hard journey and that got into her Backpack some pastries , soft drinks , candies and sufficient clothing . Upon entering the playground he met a woman elderly , alone , watching pigeons . Sat down next to her , opened her backpack and pulled out his snack . He saw that the old woman seemed hungry , so he offered him a cupcake . She accepted it and gave a wonderful smile . As the child liked that expression and I wanted to see her smile again , she offered him a drink and the child was delighted . They were there all afternoon , eating and drinking , but they said not a Word . When it grew dark , the child became aware of the evening that was ; rose , said goodbye and gave her a hug of farewell and gratitude . She , after embracing him , gave him with the largest and most beautiful in your life smile . It pulled the role that surrounded him , and indeed noted the exquisite silk and lace . " She bought this the first time we went to New York 8 or 9 years ago . " He never used it . I was saving it for a ' special occasion ' . Well . . . I think that this is the time " . Now I 'm reading more and less cleaning . I am on the terrace and admire the landscape without noticing the weeds from the garden . I spend more time with my family and friends and less time at work . I understood that life should be a pattern of experience to enjoy , not to survive . Now I have nothing . I use my glasses every day and I wear my new coat to go to the supermarket . Already I do not keep my best lotion for special parties , use it whenever you want me to do it . The phrases " someday . . . " and " one of these days " , are disappearing from my vocabulary . If it is worth to see it , hear it or do it , I want to see it , hear it or do it now . They are those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours are limited . Angry because I stopped seeing good friends with whom I was going to be contacted " someday " ; angry because I didn 't write certain letters intending to write " one of these days " ; angry and sad because I didn 't tell them to my brothers and my children often enough , how much love you . Now I try not to delay , stop or keep nothing to give them laughter and joy to our lives . And every morning I say to myself that this day is special . . . every day , every hour , every minute is . . . Special . Images representing the twelve apostles and Jesus apparently were portraits of real people . When it was learned that Da Vinci would paint this work hundreds of young people arose before him to be selected . The person who would be the model to be Christ was the first to be selected . Da Vinci sought a face reflecting an innocent , peaceful personality and that was at the same time good - looking . I was looking for a free hard features face that leaves the uneasy life of sin . Finally , after several attempts , selected a young man of 19 years of age as a model to represent the figure of Jesus . For nearly six months . Leonardo worked to paint the main character of this formidable work . During the next six years he continued his work looking for people who would represent twelve apostles , leaving to the end that would be Judas . For many other weeks was Leonardo looking for a man with a hard and cold expression . A face marked by disappointment , betrayal , hypocrisy , and crime . A face that would identify his best friend . After many failed attempts in the pursuit of this model , reached the ears of Leonardo that a man existed with these characteristics in the Dungeon of Rome . This man was sentenced to death for having led a life of robbery and murder . Da Vinci saw before him a man whose damaged long hair fell over his face hiding a few eyes full of anger , hatred and ruin : at last had found who modelaría Judas in his work . Thanks to a permit by their captors , the prisoner was transferred to Milan to the study of the master . For several months this man sat silently opposite Leonardo as the artist continued with the arduous task of translating his work the character who had betrayed Jesus . When he gave the last brushstroke to his work , turned to the guards of the prisoner and told them that they take him . The other pot had a crack where it was spilling water along the way . When he arrived , he could only deliver half of its capacity . Two years was repeated day after day this situation . - Why ? - Asked the Waterboy - . You know well why - answers the vessel - . Due to my cracks , you can only deliver half of the water and therefore only receive half of the money that you should receive . - Do you realise that flowers only grow next to the road ? I always knew your crack and wanted to take advantage of them . I planted flowers where you were going to spend and every day , without having to work hard for it , you 've been watering them . During these two years , I have been able to pick these flowers to decorate the altar of my teacher . If you were not as you are , it not would have been able to enjoy the beauty of those flowers . The father was furious when his three - year - old daughter spent a whole roll of paper to wrap the box which was going to put under the Christmas tree . They were very short of money and that wastage seemed all a recklessness . Despite the scolding , the next day the girl handed over with his hands the box his dad . One day , back , had an unpleasant surprise . A worm had installed in the nest . Angry and confused , he took the intruder within its clutches and set out to kill him . The Lions knew the meeting was underway and commented on each other : " it is true , the concern of animals make much sense . A forest may not have three kings . Fight between us will not want it , since we are very good friends . . . We need to know what will be chosen , but how to discover it ? A Squire collected horses and only lacked a copy of a particular race . One day he learned that his neighbor had such copy and tried , day after day , to persuade its neighbor so that it might sell . When it could do to the animal , a month after the horse became ill and there was need to call the vet who diagnosed : - We will friend , it 's now or never ! Mood . . . strength . . . I 'll help you . . . Come on . . . a , two , three . . . slowly . . . almost . . . that . . . that . . . now runs slowly . . . more fast . . . fantastic . . . run . . . run . . . you beat champion ! . . . - No . that depends on . It is not a matter of weight but time . In truth , it matters little absolute weight . What matters to be considered is the time I 'm going to hold it . If I hold it for a minute , nothing happens . If I hold it for an hour I start to hurt your arm . If I hold it for a full day , you will have to call an ambulance . And is exactly the same weight : but while step longer holding it , heavier it is becoming . - If we carry our weight all the time , sooner or later will not be able to continue : the load will be becoming ever more and more heavy . What you have to do is leave the vessel somewhere and get some rest before holding it again . You have to let the load periodically : that is comforting and allows you to continue again . Therefore , until you return your home tonight it leaves out the weight of your tensions . Don 't take you it to your House . Tomorrow you can pick it up again , leave . One day , before I fall overnight and on the eve of the fishing season the sea bass ( a very precious fish by its size and beauty ) , Daniel was with his father at the pier . Father and son began catching small fish with the typical worms . But , at a certain moment , her father changed the bait and put a small silver fly before that Daniel did its launch . It was already dark when Daniel realized that there was something huge on the other end . His rod was bent . The father watched with admiration how her son dragged skillfully its prey until they finally raised the water to the exhausted fish . It was the largest bass he had seen . Father lit a match and looked at his watch . They were ten in the evening , precisely two hours before it opened the season on the region . Then , Daniel looked around . No witness fisherman , not seen or boats under the moon . The child turned to look at his father . Although nobody had seen them , nor no one could know what time the fish was fish , the guy warned by the firmness of his father 's voice that ethical decision was not negotiable . He slowly pulled the hook of the huge mouth of bass , very carefully , and returned it to the dark waters . The fish moved his powerful body and disappeared . The boy suspected that he would never again see a big fish . This episode took place 34 years ago . And he was right : never again to catch a fish so grand as of that night . But whenever confronted with the issue of ethics , that same fish appears to his eyes . Because as his father taught him is , ethics is more than a simple affair between good and evil . - That was what rays ? Who are you ? What do you do with my car ? - And enraged , almost throwing smoke , continued yelling at the boy : - don 't you see that is a new car and that brick you threw will cost you dearly ? Why did you make that ? - Please , Sir , please . I 'm sorry ! , I don 't know what to do - pleaded the little boy . I threw the brick because no one stopped . Let me tell you : tuned my radio equipment into a network for the exchange of the Saturday morning . After a while I came across a fellow sounding a much greater . He was speaking , with him who was chatting with , something about " thousand marbles " . I was intrigued and I stopped to hear what he told his interlocutor : " Well . John , you 'll see that it seems that you are busy with your work . I 'm sure that you pay well , but it is a pity that you have to spend away from home and away from your family so long . It is difficult to imagine that a young man has to work sixty hours a week to survive . " How sad that you lost the theatrical presentation of your daughter " . " Some years ago , I sat down one day and did something of arithmetic : the average person lives about seventy - five years . " 75 years I multiplied by 52 weeks per year , then got 3 , 900 , which is the number of Saturday that the average person will have in their lifetime . Stay with me , John , I 'm going to the important part . " Then , with my 55 years , already had lived more than 2 , 800 on Saturday ! I started thinking that if it came at the age of seventy - five , only they would me a few thousand Saturday to enjoy . So I went to a toy store and bought all of the Marbles that had . I had to visit three stores for 1 , 000 marbles . " I took them home and put them into a source of transparent glass , together with my team of amateur radio . From then on , every Saturday have taken a marble and I pulled it . I discovered that , looking at how diminished the marbles , I focused more on the truly important things in life . There is nothing equal to observe how you exhausted your time on Earth , to adjust and adapt your priorities in life . " I enjoyed talking with you . John , I hope that you can spend more time with your family and hope to find us here at the band . See you soon , goodbye ' 75 - year - old man ' . Change and outside . Good day ! " . " One could have heard a pin drop in the band when this friend logged out . I think that you gave us all quite what to think . I had planned to work in the antenna that morning and then went to meet with a few amateur radio to prepare the new circular from the club . Instead of that , I went up the stairs and woke up my wife with a kiss . - Oh , nothing ! , is that we have not gone along with the boys Saturday in a long time . By the way , can we stop at the toy store before arriving at the restaurant ? I need to buy some marbles . They chose a route and began the competition . The Hare went at full speed and ran strongly for quite a while . Then seeing that speaks released a lot of advantage . He decided to sit under a tree to rest a few moments , regain strength and then continue their March . But she soon fell asleep . The turtle , that step was slow but steady , reached it , exceeded , and ended in punta , declaring himself undisputed winner of the race . The Hare , disappointed at having lost , did an examination of conscience and acknowledged its mistake of underestimating the tortoise . He realized that by careless and presumed lost speaking career . If I had not underestimated never had been able to beat his opponent . He then challenged the tortoise to new competition . This time the Hare ran tirelessly from the beginning to the end and his triumph was blunt . Therefore , he again challenged the Hare , but he proposed to run along a route different from the previous . Hare agreed and ran at full speed , until he found on his way with a wide river . The Hare could not swim , and while he wondered " What now . . . ? " , turtle swims to the other side , continued its slow but steady step and ended the race in the first place . He spent the time . And they both shared the Hare and the tortoise that ended up becoming friends . Both acknowledged that they were good competitors and decided to repeat the last race , but this time running as a team . In the first part the Hare loaded the turtle until you reach the river . There , turtle spanned the River to swim with the hare on his shell and . already on the shore front , the Hare again loaded the turtle until you reach the goal . It is important to come that neither the Hare nor the tortoise gave up the race . The Hare evaluated his performance , acknowledged their mistakes and decided to put more effort after his failure . Meanwhile , turtle , noticing that the speed was his greatest weakness , decided to change its strategy and take advantage of their strength as a swimmer , in a new tour . After several contests , the tortoise and the Hare discovered that United they achieved better results . - We wanted to show him something - said the father , pulling out a Wallet - Pocket . They found him in Marcos clothes when he was dead , we thought that maybe you would recognize it . And by opening the wallet , he carefully drew two worn pieces of paper that had been arranged with tape , then saw that they had been opened and closed many times . Twenty years ago I was driving a taxi to live . He did so on the night shift and my taxi became a moving confessional . Passengers is climbing , they sat back and told me about their lives . I found people whose lives amazed me , ennoblecían me , made me laugh or deprimían me . But none moved me as much as the woman who I picked up too late on a night of August . I responded to a call of a few small buildings in a quiet part of the city . When I arrived at 2 : 30 am the building was dark except for a light in the window of the first floor . Under those circumstances , many drivers only make sound his horn once or twice , wait just a minute , and then go . But I have seen many people who rely on taxis as their only means of transportation , so I waited . A small woman , about eighty years , stood opposite me . She wore a flowered dress and a hat with a veil , as someone from a 1940s movie . At his side was a small suitcase of canvas that I helped load . The Department looked as if no one had lived there for many years . All furniture were covered with sheets , speaks no clocks on the walls , no trinket or pan . In the corner was a cardboard box full of photos and a glass - ware . During the whole morning I drove through the city . She showed me the building where he had worked as a lift operator . I drove to the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds . He asked me that we would stop in front of a furniture store where once there was a dance hall that she was going to dance when I was young . Sometimes he asked me that happened slowly across a building in particular , or a corner ; in those moments , I watched in the dark , and said nothing . . . I drove in silence to the address she had given me . It was a building low , like a small house of convalescence , with a road for cars passing under a portico . Two assistants who came to the taxi , with much kindness watched every move of the Lady . They must have been waiting for it . I not picked up any passenger at that turn and drove aimlessly for the rest of the day . He could not speak . What would have happened if the Lady a grumpy conductor , had collected it or one that was anxious to end their turns ? What would have happened if I had refused to take the call , or I would have played the Horn once and I had gone ? After a quick look , I don 't think that you have done something more important in my life . ES - tamos used to think that our lives are full of great moments , but the great moments are that traps us unsuspecting happily . People may not remember exactly what you did or what you said . . . but always remember did you them feel . . . - Love is a decision , not a feeling . Love is dedication and commitment . Love is a verb , and the fruit of that action is love . Your love is an exercise in gardening : start it hurts , prepares the land , sowing , be patient , waters , procures and cares . You must be prepared because there will be pests , drought or excessive rainfall , but not why you leave your garden . Love your partner , i . e . , accept it , rating it , respect it , give affection and tenderness , admire it and understand it . That 's all , amala . - Four thousand five hundred pesos . They are almost five thousand dollars . . . If you want the necklace , you will have to help more at home . So you 'll save enough money to buy it . Your birthday will be in one week and may your grandmother to give you a ticket of two thousand pesos . As soon as the girl came home , emptied his piggy bank and counted coins : four hundred seventy pesos . After dinner , he helped more than usual . Then he went to see his neighbor , Mrs . Rodriguez , and offered to tear out the weeds from the garden by two hundred pesos . And on your birthday the grandmother gave her two thousand dollars . I finally had enough money to buy the necklace . Pearl loved Jenny . Felt elegant and like a big girl . Put them to go everywhere : to the Church , to kindergarten . . . Do not fell them not to sleep . It only took it for swimming or to take a bath of bubbles because his mother told him that if the collar is wet Pearl pelarían . The father of Jenny was very affectionate . Every night , when she had to go to bed he stopped what they were doing and went up to her room to read him a story . One night , when you finish reading , she asked him : - Oh , dad . Pearls , no . But I can give you the Princess , my horses collection white Mare . Which has a pink tail . Do you remember , Dad ? That you gave me . It is my favorite . - Okay , my heaven . Papa loves you . Good night . - After saying these words , the Pope took to giving it a brief kiss on the cheek . He spent about a week . After telling a tale , Jenny Pope returned to ask : - Oh , dad . Pearls , no . But I can give my wrist , the new , which gave me on my birthday . It 's beautiful , and will also give you the yellow blanket that matches with your bed . Jenny said nothing but raised his tiny hand towards his father . When he opened it , there was the small Pearl necklace . Lips shook him a little while , finally , said : - I am peace ! But people fail to keep me turned on . I think I 'm going to turn off . And rapidly diminishing its fire , it went out completely . - I 'm faith ! Unfortunately look like men superfluous . People don 't want to know me . No sense remain lit . When he had finished speaking , a breeze gently passed over it and went out . - I am love ! I have no strength to go on . People stop me to one side and not understand my importance . Forget up to those who are very close and love them . And , without waiting for more , it went out . The Squire was pleased with the work of man . But then , one night the wind was loud . Squire jumped out of bed , grabbed a lamp and ran to the accommodation of the employee . He shook the small man and shouted : Infuriated by the response , the Squire was tempted to dismiss him immediately . Instead , he hastened to go out and prepare the ground for the storm . Employee it would later occupy . But , to his amazement , he found that all the bales of hay had been covered with tarpaulins firmly tied to the ground . The cows were well protected in the barn , chickens in the henhouse , and all very well locked doors . Windows well closed and secured . Everything was tied . Nothing could be dragged . If when you conversas with me again and repeat the same words and you know very well how to end . . . don 't interrupt me and listen to me . When you were small so that you durmieras , I had to tell you thousands of times the same story until you close the eyes . When you see me useless and ignorant to all the technological things that I already do not understand , I beg you to give me all the time that is necessary in order not to hurt me with your mocking smile . Remember that it was I who taught you many things . Eat , dress and how to deal with life as well as you do , are the result of my effort and perseverance . If you ever don 't want to eat , do not insist me . I know how much I can and when I shouldn 't . It also includes that , over time , I 've lost teeth and the taste to feel . Finally , when one day I hear tell that I already don 't want to live and just want to die . . . do not be angry . Someday you will understand that this has nothing to do with your love or how much I love you . Try to understand that I don 't live but I am surviving , and that is not live . What most liked the son was to make parties , be with your friends and be flattered by them . His father always warned him that his friends would only be by his side while he had something to offer them . later , they would abandon him . - My son , I 'm old and when I go away you you encargarás of all that is mine . . . But unfortunately I know what will be your future : you are going to leave the property in the hands of employees and are going to spend all your money with your friends . You sell all the assets to spend , and when you don 't have anything , your friends fall away from you . Only then you will regret it bitterly for not hearing me . It was for this that I built this gallows . She is for you ! I just wish that I promise that , if this happens , you ahorcarás in it . However , the jib arm was hollow and broke easily , collapsing to the floor , the boy . Upon him fell tickets , emeralds , pearls , rubies , sapphires and bright , many bright . . . The gallows was hollow and filled with precious stones . Between all that treasure that fell , the young heir found a note . On it was written : A group of sellers was a Sales Convention . All had promised them to their wives that they would arrive in time for dinner on Friday night . However , the Convention ended a bit late and they came late to the airport . All with their tickets and portfolios came running through the halls of passengers . Suddenly , and without wanting it , one of the sellers stumbled across a table that had a basket of apples . The apples were flying everywhere . Without stopping or turning back , sellers continued running just reached onto the plane . All , except one . This last seller stopped , took a deep breath and experienced a feeling of compassion by the owner of the post of apples . Told his friends that they should continue without him , and asked one of them to call his wife and explain that he will arrive on the next flight , arriving . Then he returned to the Hall and found all the apples thrown on the ground . His surprise was great to realize that the owner of the post was a blind girl . He found her crying , with huge tears running down her cheeks . He tapped the floor trying , in vain , to pick up the apples , as the crowd passed , fast , without stopping and without caring about his misfortune . Man knelt with her , along with the apples , put them into the basket and helped him mount the post again . As he did so he realized that many had been beaten and they were bruised . He took them and put them in another basket . One day , when I was high school student , I saw a classmate my walking back to his house . Carlos was called . He was carrying all of his books and I thought : " why is will be taking home all the books on Friday ? It must be a nerd ! " My heart shuddered , so I ran toward him while he crawled looking for his glasses . I saw some tears in his eyes . I approached him at his hands his glasses and said : - those guys are morons , they should not do this ! There was a big smile on his face . I helped him with his books because he lived near my house . I asked him why he had not seen it before and told me that he had just changed from a private school . I had never met someone who had gone to a private school . We walked up to his house . I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday , with my friends , and he accepted . We were together throughout the weekend . When we were about to finish high school , Carlos decided to go to Georgetown University and I would go to the Duke . I knew that we would always be friends , that distance would not be a problem . He would study medicine and I administration , on a football scholarship . Carlos was the speaker of our graduation . I upset him constantly telling him that he was a nerd . The big day came . He prepared the speech . I was happy to not be that needed to speak . Carlos looked really well . It was one of those people who had found herself during high school , had improved in all aspects and looked good with his glasses . It had more appointments with girls that I and all worship him ! Caramba ! Sometimes even I felt jealous . . . I looked at my unbelieving friend when he began to tell the story of the day we met . That weekend he had planned to commit suicide . He was alone , had major problems . He spoke of how he had cleaned his school locker and why he carried all his books with him : so that his mother would not have to then go to pick them up . I listened with amazement how this handsome and popular boy told everyone that moment of weakness . His parents also looked at me and smiled me with that same smile of gratitude . Just at that moment I realized from the depths of his words : - Inside of six months I will make rain for forty days and forty nights , until all your country is covered by the waters and the wicked are destroyed . I will save you , your family and a pair of every animal species living in your land . I command to build an ark and take care of animals gather to make in six months everyone here , at this same place , ready to ship . - Please , Noah , do what I tell you ! - Ordered the Lord - . In this country , perversion , corruption and injustice have reached an intolerable degree ! The lust for power and wealth have made your countrymen to forget my teachings . They have cast aside the love of neighbour and respect their neighbors . I 'm going to give an exemplary punishment ! Six months passed , the sky darkened and the flood began . The Lord looked between the black clouds and saw Noah weeping bitterly in the door of his house . No Ark was constructed and only a few animals roaming around his humble dwelling . - Forgive me , Lord - the poor man begged - , I did what I could but I found great difficulties : to build the Ark had to manage a permit , authorize the planes and pay very high taxes . Then demanded me that the Ark had a security system against fire and different internal evacuation routes , which I could only fix bribing an official . Some residents complained that he was working in a residential area , and in that I lost precious time , because in the municipality , to authorize me , they sought a contribution for the Mayor 's re - election campaign . But the main problem I had to get the wood , as in environmental Corporation did not understand that it was an emergency and told me there was only wood available for sea craft , contained in a decree which does not contemplate the construction of arcas . " Then appeared the Union , supported by the Ministry of labour , called me to employ their affiliated carpenters . " Meanwhile I started to look at the animals of each species , and stumbled across the problem that , if not for the Zoo , the Ministry of agriculture requires filling out forms and paying other taxes who made me impossible to deal with . Public works , for its part , demanded me a map of the area to flood , and when I sent a map of the country , they initiated a process for contempt of court . However , he put his arm affectionately over the shoulder of Noah and after few seconds the rain ceased . The sky began to clear . Appeared a bright sun and a beautiful rainbow was deployed on the firmament . - See you , Lord - said the farmer , wind takes a seeded ripe corn pollen to the other . If my neighbors grow a maize of inferior quality , wind and bees pollination - ranging from farm in farm - constantly degrade the quality of mine . Therefore , if I 'm going to plant a good corn , I help my neighbor to have one at least of the same quality . 1 . you need to pay energy bills . She is very high ! How are you spending so much ? In addition , before I gave him plenty of water , today I do not have more than a limited and dwindling number . We need to negotiate its use . 2 . why now some eat enough and others are dying of hunger , if my fields are so large ? If well take care of the Earth , you should have food for everyone ! Above all , do not waste food requiring other inhabitants to survive . 3 . you cut the trees which give shade , air and balance . The Sun is very hot and the heat increased . You should replant again the trees that cut ! 4 . all micro - organisms , insects , reptiles , mammals , fish , birds and plants in my house must be cared for and preserved . I looked for some animals and plants species and not found them . I know that when you took my house they exist . . . I saw few fish , whales , penguins and dolphins . You them have fished all ? Where are they ? Well , it is time that we talk . I need to know if you still want to live here . If so , what it can do to comply with the contract ? I wish it were always in my house , but , while we are , you will have to look for each other . Do you believe that you can change its predatory habits ? I await answers and actions . . . It was decided that it would ask food in the next House . However , his nerves betrayed him when a lovely young woman opened the door . Instead of food asked him a glass of water . Years later this same woman seriously ill . The local doctors were confused , which decided to refer it to a major hospital in the capital . Dr . Howard Kelly called to ask . When it heard the name of the town from whence came the patient , a strange light shone in his eyes . Doctor Kelly immediately rose from the lobby of the hospital to the room where the patient was . Dressed in his robe of doctor came to see her . He recognized it right away . He then returned to the observation room determined to do my best to save his life . After a long struggle , she won the battle . She was recovered . As they were going to register the patient , because it was fully relieved , Dr . Kelly requested to the Administrative Office of the hospital to send you the invoice total of expenditures to approve it . He revised it and signed the Bill . He also wrote something on the edge of the amount and forwarded it to the room of his patient . They went to a restaurant not very elegant , but comfortable . When they sat down , he read the menu . When she went in the half of the entries , looked up and noticed that she looked at him , from the other side of the table , with real delight , as rapt . A nostalgic smile slipped on his lips while saying : Another dinner is paid in advance , I was almost sure that might not be there , but I just paid for the two , for you and your wife . You can never understand what the night meant to me . I love you . Your mother . German daily took the bus to go to work . A stop after yours , always climbing an old woman and sat next to a window . The old lady opened a bag and during the whole journey was pulling something out of the window . A few months later , going to the office , look at German through the window he saw all the way full of flowers . What he saw was a colorful and flowery landscape . He remembered the old woman , but many days earlier that he had not returned it to see . He asked the driver : - and the old lady of the seeds ? German returned to his seat and continued looking at the landscape . " The flowers have sprung up , he said , but what help the old lady work ? Not has been able to see his work . " It is not plant flowers that educators do ? They , teachers , teaching professionals , cannot see how they grow the planted seeds , hope scattered throughout the heart of teens who fill their classes . But something made for this purpose . The first day of classes at the University , our teacher was presented to the students and then asked us to introduce someone who did not know yet . I was standing to look around , when a soft hand touched my shoulder . I looked back and saw a little lady , old and wrinkled , me radiant , smiling with a gesture that illuminated his whole being . He said : After class we walked up to the building of the Union of students and share a shake of chocolate . Became friends instantly . Every day in the next three months had class together and talked non - stop . I was always ecstatic hearing that " the time machine " to share their experience and wisdom with me . In the course of a year . Rosa became an icon in the University campus . Made friends easily wherever that was , loved to dress well , and was reflected in the attention that other students gave . I was enjoying life . . . At the end of the semester we invite rose to speak at our party farewell . It was presented and approached the podium . When he began to read his written presentation , he dropped three of five leaves on the ground . Frustrated , he took the microphone and said simply : - Excuse me . I 'm so nervous ! I 'll never get to put my papers in order again , so let me talk to you about what I know . " Third , we need to know the difference between growing old and grow . . . " Growing old is mandatory , growing up is optional . If you are 19 years of age and remains lying in bed for a whole year without doing anything productive , you end up with twenty years . If I am eighty - seven years old and I stay in bed for a year and do not do anything , I 'll stay with eighty - eight years . . . " Anyone can make older : that does not require talent or ability " . - The idea is to grow through life and always find opportunity in novelty . The old usually do not repent for what they did , but for things that no longer make . The only people who have fear of death are those that have regrets . Why we don 't stop playing because we grow old ; We grow old because we stop playing . A week after graduating . Rose died peacefully during the sleep . More than two thousand students of the faculty went to his funeral in tribute to this wonderful woman who taught us , through example , that " it is never too late to be everything what one can and probably wants to be " . Became the Director of a company later because it was the first day of kindergarten for your child . A woman was delayed because its alarm not sounded in time . Made one late because it stayed stuck on the road in which there was an accident . She then turned to the fire station . There he met a firefighter 's name Bob , a man of heart as big as Phoenix . She explained the last wish of his son and asked him if it was possible to give her six - year - old son a ride around the block from the hospital in a fire truck . - Look , we can do better than that . You have your child ready Wednesday at seven o ' clock in the morning and we will make it " Honorary firefighter " throughout the day . It can come with us to the station , eating with everyone and leave when we receive calls of fire or help . If you give us your measurements , we achieve a true uniform of firefighter , with a hat and a real helmet bearing the emblem of station Phoenix , not one toy , but the yellow we use , as well as their rubber boots . All that is done here , so you can get everything for Wednesday . - We will do something better , we 'll be there in five minutes . Can you do me a favor ? When hear the sirens and flashing lights , could let me by the speaker that there is no fire , but the fire department goes to visit one of its most prominent members , and please , do you could open the window of your room ? - I am here , master , because I 'm so little I have no strength to do anything . They say that no good for nothing , I do not do well , that I 'm stupid and idiotic . How can I improve ? What I do so that they appreciate me more ? - I want you to go to the market . You must sell this ring there because I have to pay a debt . It is necessary that you get from it as much as possible , but do not accept less than a gold coin . Go and returns with this currency as soon as possible . The young man took the ring and left . When he arrived in the market began to offer the ring to the merchants . They watched with some interest , according to the young man when he exhibited the ring . Knowing that calling for a gold coin , some laughed , and others were moving away without looking at him . Only an old man was friendly and explained that a gold coin was much value to buy the ring . - Is very important what I say , young - he replied smiling teacher - . The first thing we must know is the real value of the ring . He returned to take the horse and going directly to see a jeweler . Who better to know their exact value ? But no matter how much you give , you don 't sell it . He returns here with my ring . - Sit - said the master , and after hearing all the afflictions of the young , said : - you 're like that ring : a unique and valuable jewel . But it can only be assessed by a specialist . Did you think that somebody in the market could discover your true value without knowing you ? - Judge , I believe that all that is true . So I 'm going to accept the judgment of divorce without any obligation on the part of my husband to me . After all , I could well be a professional and independent woman to defend myself alone . - Because there was no who take the biggest sports practices , nor who will take you to the school , as the bus would let them far away from the school . Fearing for his safety , my husband and I decided that I would take them to school and would pick them up . So , he left senior high school , followed with the second for the elementary school and returned to the House with the girl to prepare dinner . When collecting them , leaving the largest practice of judo , another in the football and remained with the girl for the ballet . - Well , about six years . She had Alzheimer 's and we take it as well , its decline was not fast . He died of a heart attack when we got ride every morning we took through the district . Loved to feed the pigeons in the Park . The judge stared at the woman and her former husband . Rose , took the folders with all papers and withdrew . All is stared at it some others , some shrugged his shoulders and sat down to wait for their verdict . Soon after the judge returned . Sat down and adjusted the glasses . Then it closed folders , put them aside and said : Hearing these two decisions , the lawyer and the husband looked with evident satisfaction . The judge continued : - third : you stay as absolute owner of their house and de el Mercedes Benz ex - husband ; savings and the current account will make them your name immediately without touching a single penny . I also declare it absolute beneficiary of their life , as well as their retirement plans insurance . It will also be duty to her ex - husband continue paying your health insurance until you die . - My decision is based , gentlemen , the sum of all salaries for services that , as administrator , driver , Cook , laundress , planter and nurse you lent to her husband , including his children and his mother - in - law . This decision will only be a partial payment of the wages withheld by twenty - six years of uninterrupted services you provided . As you have to be objective , and we know that her husband could not pay this huge debt , you pay what but it is not enough will be relatively fair . For example , from now on he later paid expenses for education , transportation and books , from the moment that you decide to go back to University to study the career chosen . I have said . " Almost all of the higher things that have been achieved in the world have been hit by poor men , poor scholars , poets and professional poor , poor men of genius . Certain constancy and sobriety , some restraint and control , certain pressure of circumstances , those are good things for man . His body was not made for luxury . With luxury body sick , collapses and dies " . Whenever you can make pedagogy with some part of the blame is cow 2 , do it . Many times in a conversation , or at a social gathering , with his team , or in your family , you can help another person , through parables , stories or fables like that here they present , without having to engage in long discussions about a topic that is exhausted with the same narration . A good example that a bad sermon is sometimes better . Do not aim that others will reach the same conclusions their own : they will surely have other different or complementary . For this reason , when individuals deducted their own conclusions , not disqualifying them . On the other hand , look at lenses different from the face as an enrichment to their own thoughts . The principle of tolerance consists of listening to each other , without reproach their thoughts or behaviors . What is the meaning of Environment ? Concept , Definition of Environment Concepts and meanings of environment 1 Meaning of environment Environment means everything around to a living being . Espec . . . What is the meaning of Formal education ? Concept , Definition of Formal education 1 . Definition of Formal education Formal education , also known as formal training , is the process of integral education correl . . . What is the meaning of Media ? Concept , Definition of Media Definition of Media 1 Meaning of Media 2 . Definition of Media 3 Concept of Media 1 Meaning of Media With the average of commu . . . What is the meaning of Tourism market ? Concept , Definition of Tourism market Concepts and meanings of tourist market Meaning of tourist market What is a tourism market ? It is where flow the supply . . . What is the meaning of Abuse ? Concept , Definition of Abuse Definition of abuse 1 Meaning of abuse 2 . Definition of abuse 3 Concept of abuse 1 Meaning of abuse Abuse is the action or ef . . . |
Charlie Beamer stepped out of his office into a chilly October rain . He had expected this , somehow , even though he hadn 't checked the weather . Charlie was a pessimist , and as a pessimist he assumed that since his day had started so poorly it would only get worse . He had a newborn son with a bad case of croup , and he hadn 't had a proper night 's sleep in two weeks . He 'd been tied up in meetings all day , and his project had its funding cut . To make matters worse he had gotten stuck at the office late , much later than usual . He had just missed the 5 : 45 pm bus . So now , as he looked at the rain from under the awning of his building and shivered in the October wind , he was not at all surprised to remember that he had forgotten his umbrella at home that morning . He popped the collar of his jacket up against the rain and set out towards the bus stop . He walked slowly feeling the rain soak his hair and face and inwardly relished his own misery . He almost enjoyed the pit of despair that was his life . So when he arrived at the bus stop , dripping wet , he was secretly a little pleased to find that a homeless man was stretched out across the bench , fast asleep and taking up all available space . " Isn 't this just perfect , " he muttered to himself as he edged underneath the shelter of the bus stop without getting too close to the sleeping man . He was already plotting about what he would tell his wife about his day . He imagined she would be appropriately sympathetic and possibly she would wash the dishes and put the baby down without rousing him from his recliner . Charlie didn 't think he had ever seen someone as filthy as this man on the bench . His clothes were stained with mud and what appeared to be garbage . There was also an odor coming from the sleeping man that was unlike anything Charlie had ever smelled . It was like a skunk had fallen into a dumpster and perished . For a brief moment Charlie wondered if the man was dead , but then he stirred , saw Charlie and sat up . Charlie obliged , seating himself on the very edge of the bench and holding the collar of his jacket over his nose in an attempt to block the stench . It didn 't work very well . From the corner of his eye , he could see the other man watching him from underneath a worn out stocking cap . Charlie 's phone rang . He was sure it was his wife . She was probably calling to see why he wasn 't home yet . She was probably tired of watching the sick baby alone . He decided to ignore it and reached into his pocket to silence the phone . He just wasn 't in the mood . He looked down 6th street to see if he could see the bus coming in the distance . Nothing . He leaned against the side of the bus stop and pretended he couldn 't smell the man on the other side of the bench . Charlie was startled . He looked down the bench at the bum who was leaning over resting his elbows on his knees . His long matted hair obscured his face but it was clear that he was talking to Charlie . " Looks expensive . " It sounded like he was trying to give Charlie a compliment . Charlie didn 't take it as a compliment ; now he was afraid of being murdered at a bus stop for his suit . Charlie doubted the man would fit his suit , as the bum was much taller . He began to think maybe he should call his wife back . " Very nice suit " the dirty man emphasized , but he didn 't look at Charlie . " I used to have a suit like that . It was gray though . Nice suit . Kinda suit a man can feel proud of . " " I had money once . I wasn 't always like this . Once I was like you . " The bum said , staring into the rainy streets . " I had it all . " " I 'm going to tell you this once . You don 't want to hear my story . I tell everyone this same thing . If you ask me again I 'll tell you . But I can promise that you don 't want to hear this . " I wasn 't a very special kid growing up . I had two older brothers and they always seemed like they were good at everything and smarter too . School seemed to just make sense to them but I never seemed to catch on . Math and Science were just the names of two more circles of hell for me growing up . My family wasn 't a rich family but when my oldest brother Ben got accepted to college , my dad presented him with a savings bond and sent him out the door proudly . Same went for Stephen when he came of age . He got his acceptance letter in the mail and dad gave him a hug and a savings bond . Dad didn 't hug us much , but I could tell he was proud . When I was finally old enough I sent out an application to every decent school around and , one by one , I watched rejection letters come back . I got accepted to two community colleges but everyone knew that wasn 't the same . Dad clapped me on the back and said " cheer up kiddo " or something like that and said that maybe construction wasn 't such a bad job after all . There was no savings bond . My brothers graduated and I laid pavement . My brothers married and I moved into a basement apartment in the city . My brothers had children and I splurged for basic cable . Eventually I quit the construction gig and got a job at the Brightman building down the street as a janitor ( " Hey ! " Charlie interjected excitedly , " that 's where I work ! " Then he decided he probably shouldn 't have told this stranger where he worked . The bum just nodded and continued . ) . I worked there for six years . I made enough money to pay the bills and even go out once a week or so and have some drinks . But that wasn 't the life I had wanted or expected . My brothers were comfortable with their families and their lives . Lives that I had wanted and dreamed about . They had families and houses and I had an apartment on the south side with a rat problem . I 'm ashamed to admit that it ate at me . I was mad at them for the opportunities they had had and I was mad at myself for not being able to accomplish what I made it ok on the street . I was a friendly dude . I managed to get by . You pick up little tricks that make things easier . But I was still homeless . I could have gone to family but I hadn 't forgiven them . Then one day I was lying down here in this very bus stop . I remember I was trying to take a nap . It was pouring down rain , sort of like today , and I was wet and cold . It was about this time , maybe a little later , and the number six bus pulled up and this man climbs off and sits right down next to me . I knew him immediately , as if I had known him all my life , but then I guess I had in a way . He was the Devil . I remember the way the rain drops didn 't touch him as he got off the bus , they just disappeared , as if they couldn 't bear to touch him . I wasn 't surprised either , somehow wasn 't shocked by his appearance . It was as though I 'd known all along he 'd be there . He wore a pristine white suit , white shoes with black spats , a red tie , a bright red top hat and the prettiest carnation I 've ever seen in his button hole . I just stared at him and then I realized that he was staring at me too . He smiled at me and I swear to you , I 've never seen such a friendly smile as the one the Devil wears . His whole face smiled at me , but especially his eyes . If I had looked through a peephole and just seen one of his eyes looking back at me , I would have known he was smiling . So anyway he just looks at me and says , " Jonathan . " That 's my name by the way , I 'm Jonathan . ( " Oh ! So sorry , I 'm Charlie " , said Charlie and shook hands with Jonathan in spite of himself . Jonathan 's hand felt cold and more than a little dirty . Charlie wiped his right hand surreptitiously on the bench beside him . " It 's nice to meet you , Charlie " Jonathan said flatly , and continued his story in the same unchanging voice ) . Anyway , the Devil looks at me , smiles that smile and says " Jonathan . It 's nice to see you today . I understand you have a problem . " I guess I knew he would have known my name . I asked him what he thought my problem was . He didn 't answer , just asked about my brothers . I told him they were fine , just tried to change the subject you know . But he kept bringing it back up , asked about their families , their jobs , their educations . He asked each question so innocently , but each one had an unspoken indictment of me . He would ask me a question and it would emphasize that I was just a bum sitting in a bus stop to get out of the rain . Each time I answered a question I got more and more angry , but not with him , it was so hard to be angry with him , with that smile and all . I got angry with my family for not caring enough , for not helping me out , for not giving me more . I was fine I told him . I was going to go get back my old job I told him . I wasn 't tied down to anyone I told him . This was the good life . I guess he didn 't think it was good enough . So he told me who he was . He gave me all of his names - Shaitan , Beelzebub , Satan , Lucifer , The Great Deceiver , The Beast , The Adversary and more . Names I didn 't recognize , names I couldn 't pronounce . With each one , his voice grew deeper and deeper . When he finished , his voice was like the roar of a tornado . I had never felt so afraid in my entire life , but strangely I also knew he couldn 't hurt me . It was just like standing on the other side of the fence of an enraged pit bull . My heart trembled inside and then he smiled again . When he smiled it seemed like the sun came out again and I forgot about the anger of a moment ago . That 's when he offered me his deal . " I can make you rich , Jonathan . I can make you ten times as wealthy , ten times happier than your brothers . Prettier wife , faster cars . You don 't need college . You have the potential right inside you , you just need me to bring it out . " I was tempted . You won 't hear me tell you otherwise . This was everything I 'd ever wanted . But I also went to Sunday school as a kid , so I knew you couldn 't trust the Devil . I told the Devil no . I told him I couldn 't do it . I needed my soul , I 'd just have to work a little harder and maybe stop drinking so much , and maybe not smoke any more pot ( " I knew it ! " thought Charlie ) and I 'll be ok . The Devil looked thoughtful and then he looked at me and he told me " I tell you what . I 'll let you have it all ! On a trial basis , full refunds available ! If you don 't think it 's worth the price , I 'll return you right back to where you are now . " I couldn 't find a way that worked out badly for me . At least I would get a few months of easy living out of it . We shook hands . I even made the Devil swear on a Bible like he was being sworn into office , because the Bible has power over the Devil . When we shook hands the sun popped right out of the clouds . The rain stopped and even though it was February it got warm enough for me to take my coat off right there . I knew big things were going to happen . It started small , I found a dollar . I bought a Coke at McDonald 's . They were having some Monopoly game or something and my cup had Boardwalk on it . The rarest piece they had . I pulled another cup out of the garbage and it had Park Place . Just . Like . That . I had won a million dollars . I knew I would be successful . I had the Devils word . That bastard had sworn on a Bible and he was going to pay up . I started a business , a janitorial service . I don 't think there has ever been such a successful janitorial business . Everything we did turned to gold . We got anonymous donations , we got huge contracts , we got government grants , it was ridiculous . So I spread out . I started buying and selling stock . I made money hand over fist . I was in all the best clubs , I knew all the best people , but something was still missing . Then I met Her ( for the first time , there is an almost imperceptible change in the Jonathan 's voice at these words . His voice is still flat , his tone unchanging , but for the briefest moment , there was almost a quaver ) . She was beautiful . I won 't tell you her name . I can 't tell you her name , even to speak it seems an insult to her memory , but all you need to know is she was everything a woman was supposed to be and more . She was my world . We were married . She got pregnant and the next thing I knew I was holding twin boys . I was a father . She was a mother . We were a family . I was rich and happy and had everything I wanted . As I stood outside the nursery in the hospital staring transfixed at my babies in their bassinets I realized that someone was standing beside me . It was the Devil . He smiled at me . His eyes smiled at me . Then he introduced himself again . He went through all his names , each one resonating in my ears a little louder . Each name had a weight , generations and generations of fear and terror . These were names that were never meant to be said . These were names that could curse a family and their children and friends just by speaking them . There were names that aren 't even known . I remember all of them . And the whole time he smiled at me that winning , cheerful smile that told you everything was going to be just fine . " So you just let it all go ! " gasped Charlie " You let your family go and went back to your life on the street ? " He had been sitting entranced by the story . The fantastic story seemed impossible but Charlie had been drawn in . Jonathan laughed for the first time . It was a hollow sound , there was no mirth in it , no joy . Jonathan turned and looked up at Charlie . He pulled his hair away from his face and for the first time Charlie could see his eyes in the light of a street lamp . They were like hollow white holes in his face . The pupils were rolled backwards only the barest sliver of them showing at the top of his eye , there was no life , no spark . They were the eyes of a dead man . " He ate my soul in front of my kids as soon as I shook his hand . Right there in the hospital hallway . I swear as I felt every emotion and every feeling rush out of me , his smile got just a little bit brighter , a little more real . He left me like this , dead but still moving around , thinking , acting like I 'm alive . My wife couldn 't stand me . She shuddered at my touch and cried when I looked at her . She took her own life two days after she got back from the hospital . The police officers were horrified by me too . They thought that I had something to do with her death . I guess I did in a way . They couldn 't convict me but they took away my children . It 's the eyes , Charlie . " He smiled at Charlie , in the worst mockery of a smile that Charlie had ever seen . There was no emotion behind it at all . " They can 't bear to look at my eyes . Or touch my skin . " He grabbed Charlie 's hand and Charlie squealed and yanked away . It was cold and clammy . Lifeless . " So they took my children . My stocks crashed . The IRS audited my business and they took everything . Back taxes they said , " he shook his head almost with disbelief . " I 'm waiting for him " Jonathan said , and he stopped staring at Charlie . His head drooped back over his knees again . " I want him to take me . " " Hell ? Yeah . Or at least I hope so . I don 't expect you to understand , but I 've been sitting here for twenty years . I 'm an empty soulless wreck who is incapable of feeling anything . At least in Hell , at least there , I might stand a chance at feeling something . " Jonathan just sank his head a little lower . As Charlie stepped onto the bus he turned around and looked at the pitiful man . " If you 've been here for twenty years why haven 't I seen you here before ? " He asked . Jonathan didn 't raise his head . " Because I only come here at the right time . I only come for his time . That 's when I 'll meet him eventually . " " His bus . The number 6 at 6 : 00 on 6th street . You know . His number . I 'm here every morning , every night . He 'll come eventually . " " Oh . " Charlie gulped and handed the driver his bus pass . The man grunted as he stamped it and handed it back . The bus started moving while Charlie was still walking towards the back . The soulless man on the bench still stared at him with empty eyes . Charlie opened his phone to call his wife . He would like to hear her voice , and maybe , even the baby 's croupy cough . Charlie looked up . There was only one other passenger on the bus . It was a man sitting in the back row , wearing a white suit with a red carnation and a red hat . His legs were crossed and he carried a cane that he tapped against his spats . He smiled at Charlie , and Charlie could swear it was the most genuine smile he had ever seen . Even his eyes seemed to smile . Suzanne turned around to see Chad Peters running towards her down the school hallway . Chad was a small boy just entering the 6th grade . Suzanne was two grades above him and it was a tax on her memory to even remember his true name . " It 's your birthday ! " He said brightly , panting slightly from his run . His backpack looked like it was three sizes too big for him and the straps made it hang down to his bottom . " Oh . Yes … " He faltered and looked unsure of himself . He looked like he was trying to talk but the words weren 't coming out . His face slowly grew red from the embarrassment . " I 'm sorry . I get nervous . I have a gift for you . " He reached into his bag and pulled out a tupperware container . He opened it carefully and retrieved a something from inside . It was a piece of paper , folded carefully and meticulously into what looked like a flower . " What ? " She took it from him , rather roughly . " Don 't you mean origami ? " She asked as she examined the paper flower . It was gold in color and made flawlessly . It was the best origami she had ever seen . Each line was careful and perfect . It looked the nearest thing to a real flower . " What 's orci - cal - whats - it ? " She asked , turning the gold flower in her hands . " Is it a special kind of paper or flower ? " " No , it 's a metal ! It 's the very rarest there is . It 's even more rare than gold because no one knows how to find it anymore or what it was made of . " He favored her with his brightest smile . He stood there for a moment , one arm flung out towards the closed door as if he could call her back with a gesture . The door remained firmly closed and his arm dropped limply to his side . He took a step or two towards the trash can that had become the final resting place of the orchid and stopped . It had been hers and hers to do with as she willed . He leaned up against the wall , defeated and slid down behind a water fountain . Tears of frustration welled in his eyes . He had practiced for three weeks to get an orchid folded so perfectly . He rested his head in his hands and cried softly to himself . The door at the end of the hallway opened quietly and without Chad noticing . Suzanne slipped back in from outside . Her friends hadn 't waited for her after all , they probably hadn 't even remembered it was her birthday . She looked down the hallway , and seeing it was empty , reached into the trash can and pulled out the gold paper flower . She examined it and found that it was unscathed from its foray into the garbage . She marveled at it again , it was beautiful . There was a sound partway down the hall that caught her attention . She looked up from the flower and saw a pair of small legs sticking out from behind the water fountain . She walked up quietly and squatted down beside Chad . He pretended like he hadn 't been crying . She displayed the flower to him . " No it 's really just colored paper . " He sounded dejected . " I just wanted to give you something no one else could . So I hoped if I pretended it was orichalcum that you might pretend with me , and that way I could have gotten you something special . " " Nope , " she said , giving Chad a big smile , " It 's just paper . It 's just paper and it 's special . I 've never gotten anything like it . Thank you . " This Christmas Eve was shaping to be one of the coldest in recent memory . Gerald Morris stumbled through the snow drifts piling up in the deserted streets looking for shelter . He wore three coats and four pairs of socks but he was still chilled to the bone . Gerald was homeless and being homeless in St . Paul , MN is a bad thing in the Winter , your life depends on finding shelter and Gerald was not having much success with that . At one point he had been a successful real estate agent , but after the housing market dove he had eventually lost his job , his wife and his house . He had gone from Sunday brunches to fighting for leftover pizza behind the Papa John 's . This current struggle was one of the most desperate he could remember though . The snow was coming down thicker now as he peered into each unfamiliar alleyway he passed . He was looking for a manhole that he had found recently , it led into a quiet relatively dry area of the sewers that would be perfect for a night like tonight . There was also a steam vent from one of the buildings above and if he laid underneath it he could stay pretty warm , if a little damp . So as the clock ticked towards Christmas Gerald searched on . He found it finally . It was almost midnight and his heart gave a great leap as he began to recognize the alley he had found . He rushed over to where the manhole was and frantically began clearing away the snow covering it . This task complete , he pulled up the cover and descended into the depths . It was hideously dark in the sewers . He hadn 't remembered it being this bad . Being homeless he was fairly comfortable with dark places , but this was different , this seemed unnaturally dark . He stood for a minute waiting to see if his eyes would adjust to the dark . They didn 't . He sighed and began shuffling through his pack for a book of matches . Something ran into his knee . Later , when telling this story , he would leave out the shrill scream that he uttered at this very moment . Whatever had run into his knee seemed equally concerned . It yelled too and began waling on his knee with what felt like a small bat . As his eyes began to adjust to the light Gerald began to get a good look at the owners of the voices . They were tiny men wearing green cloaks and marching about the sewers very briskly . There were probably twenty of them in this group , but he could hear shouts a long way off and wondered if there were more . There was a question bubbling in the back of his mind that he desperately wanted to get out , but he was afraid it would be terribly rude . So he decided to try and be tactful . " No we make toys all the rest of the year . " Terry said very seriously . " What this is right now ? It 's the reason for the season . " " It 's almost time ! You all spread out and get into position . I 'm going to see if I can 't recruit some extra help . " " Look at me " , Terry said . He reached up and grabbed Gerald 's jacket , right around his belly button and tried pulling his face down to meet his . Gerald got down on one knee obligingly , but he eyed the bat warily . " All true . All real . Right now Santa is flying around delivering presents and coal . Not one really . An army of Santas . One man can 't do all that work . What made you think there was only one ? Ridiculous . " " There is a really good reason why Santa flies around and gives toys out for free . Did no one ever wonder about that ? Idiot humans . Anyway , Santa is a distraction . Christmas Eve , everyone who has someone to love goes to be with them . " " So no one is out and about on Christmas Eve this late , or very few are . We timed it like that on purpose . We set up Christmas to be a distraction . " " Jesus wasn 't born on Christmas Day . It was just a handy excuse . Do you really think Jesus would want you to throw money and presents at each other in a blind greed fest ? That was all us . That 's exactly what we want . Focus on being home with your family and free things are a great way to convince people to do that . " Gerald was quiet , but he could hear a nervous chatter coming from the other elves who had taken up positions nearby . They seemed scared . That didn 't comfort him much . " On the winter solstice each year is when the Wargles appear . They are creatures spawned from the lies and hatred and evil from humanity throughout the year . They grow in damp places , sewers swamps . They are born on Midnight on December 21st and are perfectly translucent for the first three days while they grow . So what that means for us is that on Midnight on Christmas Eve the Wargles become visible for the first time . That 's when the elves go out all over the world , and while the Santas distract the world , we kill the Wargles . . " " Yes . Just like that . They all must be put down or else they will attempt to slaughter humanity . The Black Plague ? We let two Wargles survive that year . TWO ! Two Wargles caused the Black Death and killed 100 million people . We slaughter every one of them . Any problems with that ? Terry handed Gerald the small bat that he had been using to abuse him . It was small in Gerald 's hand , but it had a good weight to it . He hefted it experimentally . It was reassuring and that was good because there was a sharp feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach . As he walked towards where the elves had set up their barricades , he heard the shouts starting , elves that looked hardened and grizzled had fear in their eyes , yelling and pointing at something the size of a small dog coming at them out of the dark corridors . It made a hideous scraping sound as it scrabbled across the concrete towards them and Gerald could hear more of them coming up behind the first . He gripped his bat a little tighter , feeling for the first time in years a sense of purpose and belonging , and he rushed to join the fray . This was going to be a good Christmas after all . It was mid - August in 1944 and dusk was settling on the back streets and alleys of Paris . Two men walked side by side down those streets talking quietly to themselves . They carried rifles and wore the uniforms of the German army . The city was deserted except for these two and other patrols like them as a curfew had long been in effect . All citizens were to be home by dark or something unpleasant was likely to happen to them . German soldiers were not known for their restraint . " That doesn 't worry you , Franz ? " The tall man looked much less confident . His eyes scanned each alley and shadow , his hands were clenched tight around his rifle . " All these posters popping up too . Looks like these French idiots are planning on giving us some trouble . " " Well , we heard about the beach landing at Normandy . Remember that ? Remember how that scared us ? Well most of us eventually sort of rationalized it . We thought , that surely they wouldn 't get much past the beach . We were safe here in Paris . But time goes on , and the Allies creep closer and closer and people keep making up new excuses , but they also cry out while the sleep and shiver on warm nights . Now they are right at our gates and no one is prepared . Except for me . " " And how are you so prepared ? " Klaus asked sharply . He had shivered earlier even though the evening was warm and thought that Franz had been poking fun at him . " When the allies first landed it shook me to my core . For the first time I thought we might possibly lose this war . Then what would happen to me ? I might die . I might be thrown in prison or a camp . I didn 't like any of those choices . So I made myself a god . " The street was quiet for a moment . Klaus stared at Franz for a long minute underneath the light of a nearby street lamp trying to decide if he was joking . He decided he wasn 't . Franz said nothing . Instead he unbuttoned his jacket and slowly pulled off his undershirt . Klaus gasped . Franz 's whole torso was covered with strange black marks , they criss crossed across his chest and down the length of each arm . They coated his back , his stomach , his shoulders . Franz turned slowly , cigarette dangling from his mouth , to display his creation . " Runes " , he said " I covered myself in runes . Ancient symbols of power . I tattooed them on myself . Strength , protection , anger , love , happiness , hatred . I 've written them upon my frame . When the allies come , I will destroy them . But even if I cannot destroy them , they cannot destroy me . " So Klaus hit him . He hit him with everything he had , fueled by the lost hope that Franz had so briefly offered , fueled by the disappointment when he had realized it was nothing more than a fools errand , Klaus hit him harder than he had ever hit anyone before . Franz laughed at him and one of the runes in his chest glowed a pulsating red . " See ? That one is for protection . " He pointed to the one that still glowed faintly . " This one is also protection , and these on my arms are for strength . With these I am the Ubermensch , the Superman ! " " I needed to be stronger than even ancient runes could provide alone . So I created some new ones by joining them together . This one is for will and this one is for strength so that gives me strength of will . This one is for enemies and this one for fear , to cause my enemies to fear me . " Klaus was convinced . He didn 't want to believe , it was crazy to believe all this , but he had no choice . He toyed with the idea of asking Franz to give him a few tattoos too . Franz 's eyes were open and staring at nothing . He screamed like a man in mortal terror . One of the irregulars had stuffed Franz 's own undershirt into his mouth , but he still screamed through it . They had tried shooting him twice and stabbing him a half dozen times but none of it worked , until Franz had wrested the knife away from the soldier and cut his own wrists . Now he lay in the filthy alley shirtless and screamed , while his lifeblood drained away on the cobblestones . Through all this , two runes glowed brightly on his chest , the two runes that he had joined incorrectly , Fear and Enemies . People had been warned about the meteor . They had been warned there was a good chance that it would strike earth . They had been warned that it was 2 miles across and would cause untold devastation if it struck . They had been told that it was a similar meteor to the one that had possibly destroyed all the dinosaurs . People are interesting though ; a lot of times they have a hard time believing in something until they can see it . So when they looked into the night sky and saw one star just a little brighter than the others , no one felt that threatened . Then , one morning , families woke up and looked out their dining room windows and they could see the incoming rock hanging in the daytime sky . Then the panic started and , over it all , the meteor loomed closer and closer . There was one man who wasn 't concerned . His name was Terrence Howard but he liked to go by the nickname T - money . He didn 't look up into the sky a lot and he wore dark sunglasses most of the time because they made him look mysterious . He had heard the news about the meteor and had taken it as an opportunity to start using a tanning bed instead of spray tans , because hey , life is short . He was admiring his tan that morning as he prepared to climb into the tanning bed at his strangely deserted local tanning salon when he heard a strange rumbling sound . There is a set amount of time that one should wait before going to examine two mile long meteors that have just destroyed all of New Jersey , but no one was quite sure how long that was . So secret government organizations showed up a couple of hours later with the intent of creating a top secret zone , but they discovered that hillbillies were already there in lawn chairs , and they decided that it would be a lot of work to move them . Once the government set that precedent , tents started popping up all around the steaming red mass poking up into the sky . Religious fanatics came to worship the meteor , scientists came to study it , high - schoolers came to do drugs , hillbillies came because it was one more place to drink beer , and regular people came because it was just something to do . So , before too much longer , the state of former New Jersey was filled with people eager to see the first tourist attraction New Jersey had ever had worth seeing . So when an enormous door opened in the side of the meteor , revealing that it probably wasn 't a meteor at all , a lot of people were there to be very surprised . Then , as people were recovering from their surprise enough to be curious , they became a little more surprised and quite a bit more uncomfortable ( with the exception of the religious fanatics who fell on their face in awe ) when out of the door stepped an enormous T - Rex wearing a tiny space helmet . Nothing really quite makes you reconsider your assumed " safe to approach the strange celestial object " time frames than when a dinosaur approaches you in a hat , and at this sight quite a few campers decided that there were better places for them to sleep uncomfortably on the ground . The exodus was in full force when the T - Rex opened his mouth and roared . The roar shook the earth , but the strangest thing was that , when he roared , a tiny speaker on his space helmet piped in and said this : The sound was tinny , like a bad car radio turned all the way up , and was barely loud enough to be heard over the roar of the T - Rex , but it was enough . Everyone stopped and looked at the dinosaur who , in turn , looked hungrily at an overweight child who had been running more slowly than the others . Then he shook his head and started to roar again . Unfortunately , when he shook his head , the tiny space helmet had become dislodged from his massive head and stopped translating his words . The giant reptile tried to reach up and adjust it back but T - Rex arms weren 't made for reach so , after hopping around for a while , he rubbed his head against the side of the door to resettle his helmet . " We were just like you once , " he told them , " looking around at the giant rock that fell out of the sky and then we discovered that it was an alien spaceship . The aliens hoped we would help them get their spaceship fixed . But we ate them and fixed their spaceship for ourselves . Ever since then , we have roamed the skies in peace and harmony , exploring worlds ! " The dinosaurs awoke to a loud noise . The spaceship was taking off and leaning out was the fat man . " So long suckers ! " He shouted . The T - Rex groaned and took a bite out of the sleeping Stegosaurus . The hospital room was quiet , or as quiet as a hospital room can get . It was mid - afternoon and warm , and an elderly man dozed in his bed , a heart monitor beeping rhythmically beside him . A small boy sat in a hard chair in the corner , moving his feet restlessly , making a beeping sound with his mouth whenever the machine did and occasionally glancing at the old man . The old man stirred and looked over where the boy sat . " I 've been here for a hundred and forty three beeps . " The monitor beeped again . " A hundred and forty four , we are learning counting in school . I counted to three hundred once ! " " Yes , I 'm afraid they 're right . I 'm not really doing very well . But it 's ok , don 't be worried for me . It 's just my time . " " No , I wasn 't worried . " He reached down beside the bed and picked up a small backpack . " I just decided I 'm going to go with you . " " Well , mom and dad told me that I shouldn 't be sad about you dying . They said that death was ' The next great adventure ' . I decided that you shouldn 't have to go adventuring alone , so I 'm coming too . " " I hope there are dragons ! " The boy 's eyes lit up and he smiled cheerfully as he talked . " And princesses , you have to have a princess . I bet there will be bad men that I 'll have to fight , you can help , grandpa , if you want . Will I get a sword ? I should have a sword . Or a gun . And a fast car . So that way I could escape . " The old man closed his eyes again and lay very still . Tyson closed his eyes too and laid down beside his grandfather . He tried to lay as still as he was able . But he was a very excited young boy and excited young boys have a lot of trouble lying still . He opened his eyes and looked over to where his grandfather lay beside him . " Some longer than others . It 's taken me a very long time to die . It took your grandmother a little less time . It will probably take you a very long time indeed , so you must lay back down and be patient . " " Is that all you wanted ? Well you can do that without dying . As a matter of fact you need to . Do you want to know a secret ? " " Your grandmother was a princess when I first met her . She was always a princess . I slew dragons for her . I drove fast cars . I built her a castle . " " No , not to you , and Grandma wasn 't a princess to you either . But they were to me , and that 's what matters . So you need to go out and find your own adventure first . " " That 's why you find yourself a princess . I 'm pretty sure your grandmother didn 't want to go alone either . I bet you anything that once I take my first step on this new adventure , she 'll be standing there waiting for me . " There was a faraway look in his eyes while he said this , a look that spoke of sadness and fear , but mostly hope . " I 've missed her a lot Tyson and so I 'll be very excited to see her . Don 't you worry about me . " The old man smiled at him and nodded , then closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep , a slight smile playing across his lips . The boy slid down off the bed and sat back in his chair and began to count the beeps of the heart monitor . But small boys are easily distracted , especially excited small boys and before too long he began day dreaming about princesses . He lost all track of the beeps and didn 't even notice when they stopped . So it was , as one small hero sat in his chair dreaming of all his future adventures with his princess , the other hero finished his adventure and stepped into his new one , taking the hand of his princess on the other side . - - - - - - - " I promise it 's going to be ok . " She looked up at him from where he cradled her in his arms , her head gently rocking from the motion as he walked . She frowned and clutched her doll closer to her . " Are you sure ? " She didn 't look convinced . Her eyes were glazed with pain as she focused intently on his face . Snowflakes settled on her flushed cheeks and melted , but more slowly than they should have . " I 'm positive , " he looked at her , trying to look as convincing as possible , " have I ever lied to you before ? " " Well … " She screwed up her face , thinking , " What about when you told me about the monster that eats little girls ? " He felt like she 'd stabbed him . " That wasn 't very nice of me was it ? Well except for that . Have I ever lied to you except for that ? " " No . I don 't think so . " " Well , then trust me now . I 'm sorry I told you about the monsters . I promise I will never let anything hurt you . " She smiled at him then , and when she did he could see the blood staining her teeth pink . He walked faster , his heart pounded in his chest as the panic began to take him all over again . The blizzard was supposed to be the worst they 'd had in Michigan in twenty years . The weatherman had been warning about it for the last day , but they said it wasn 't supposed to get bad until later that night . The weatherman had been wrong . He 'd thought he would have time to take her into town . She was his little angel , his first daughter , and every year since her second birthday he 'd taken her to the same toy store to pick out her present . It was her sixth birthday , it was an important birthday , and he couldn 't let her down on this birthday . The weather had started looking ominous while they were in the store , but he had still thought he would have time to make it home . When he had gotten halfway home , he had begun to curse himself for deciding to move so far out into the country ; the weather was awful , the snow was piling up on the road , he couldn 't see more than ten feet in front of him and he still had another ten miles to go . Then he overshot a turn in the dark , hitting the brakes only spun the car out and it shot over an embankment and struck a tree . He didn 't wake up for a long timPermalink This is a response to Chuck Wendig 's flash fiction challeng " The Fire of the Gods " . The task was to write a story titled " The Fire of the Gods " . This is mine - - A glowing computer monitor was the only thing that lit the small shed . A teenage boy sat hunched over the keyboard , typing furiously . Another boy was laying on the floor with his head on a beanbag chair , bouncing a tennis ball off the wall . The entire inside of the shed was covered in tin foil and the ball made a crinkling sound whenever it hit the walls . The boy at the computer looked up . " Do you have to do that ? " He asked . " You are distracting me . " The boy bounced the ball off the wall one more time , then threw it at the other . " What are you working on , Ian ? " Ian looked back at the computer screen rubbing his arm where the tennis ball had hit him . " I 'm working on a new blog , Mark , what else ? I 've got some new theories that I wanted to work on . " Mark spun around on his bean bag and propped his chin up on his hands . " How is the government out to get us this time ? " " You don 't sound very convinced about this stuff . " " I 'm not really . But it gives me a laugh , so come on . " " Well you know the government is always up to shady business . They are always doing things to gain more power , but it 's usually secret because they can 't have the voting public know what 's going on . " " Yes , like the 9 / 11 conspiracy . " " Exactly , but that 's old news , that was ten years ago . The stuff they are pulling now makes that look like small potatoes . You know why they want Iran ? The real reason they want to go into Iran ? It 's not because of the nukes . " " It 's the oil isn 't it ? " Mark stretched to try and reclaim his lost tennis ball without getting off his bean bag chair , but spilled out instead . " No , it 's not the oil , that 's what THEY want you to think . " " I thought they wanted us to think it was the nukes ? " Mark collected his ball and returned to his bean bag . " No , they say it 's the nukes to scare the people that will believe it , but that 's only for the ignorant . The really smart people know for sure it 's the oil . Only a few of us know the real reasons and that Permalink ? Myron woke up feeling watched . This wasn 't altogether surprising , he often felt watched in his home . Sometimes he would be washing the dishes , lost in his own thoughts and he would feel a sharp finger of dread crawl down his back . He always stood for a second afraid to turn around , afraid that he would come face to face with a nameless beast of legend . He always turned around though , suddenly and violently , twisting around like a mini tornado , hoping to surprise the unseen watcher . There was never anyone there , much to his chagrin and he would return to his washing flushed and sheepish , but he always kept casting looks over his shoulder just in case he 'd missed seeing anything the first time . His house was old . He 'd bought it ten years ago with big dreams and goals . He planned to turn it into his own little paradise , but aspirations without motivation have a way of turning into dead dreams . The stairs still creaked whenever he walked on them and the doors still groaned when opened . The bathrooms that he 'd planned to remodel still had mold and mildew stains and the hot water taps often doubled as a second cold one . It settled at night too . He woke sometimes in the middle of the night to the sounds of squeaking floorboards and creaking stairs , wondering if there was someone in the house . This time something felt different though , the house was completely still . Too still . He lay unmoving on his mattress afraid if he moved too much the springs on his dinosaur of a bed would squeak , he felt safer if he still looked asleep . There was a bit of light leaking into the room from a street lamp outside , it glowed a sickly orange and flickered weakly but still produced enough light to illuminate a corner of his room and attract a few bedraggled moths . There were shadows all about and each one seemed to hold its own secret . In one corner of his room he thought he saw something crouching , hulking shoulders throbbing in dark . He recoiled back involuntarily , but on second glance he realized it was only a pile of clothes . There were too many shadows , all hiding secrets , all refusing to divulge them . His ears strained for any sound but he could only hear a squeaky gate slamming in the night wind outside . He closed his eyes again , attempting to fall back asleep . This time he heard something too . A faint intake of breath . A slight gasp as if in excitement . His eyes popped open again and he searched the room for any sign of movement . Then he saw it . In the corner by the closet the shadows were a little more solid , they had more shape than the rest and at the very top of that solidity were two eyes . They glowed faintly green in the reflected light from the street lamp outside and they stared at him with a feverish intensity . They swayed slightly like the eyes of a snake about to strike , and then , they were gone . Myron stared into the dark corner as hard as he could , maybe he had been imagining the shadows seeming more solid there . Maybe he had drifted off to sleep and been subjected to a horrible nightmare . The shadows just seemed like shadows again . The creeping feeling of being watched dissipated and he heard a familiar creak of the settling house out in the hallway . Slowly his pounding heart began to return to a more respectable rate . He settled back into his pillows exhausted , laughing at himself for his stupidity , and pushing away the lingering seed of doubt that still remained . He snuggled underneath his covers pulling them up under his chin and assuring himself that nothing could attack him in his safe blanket haven . He rolled over onto his side in order to get more comfortable . The eyes were peering over the edge of his bed at him . But this time they were in the face they belonged to , and what a face . The skin was deathly pale , sickly white in the glow of the street lamp . Where its jaw should have been there was nothing but trailing tendrils of torn and rotting skin and its hair was falling out in in clumps leaving patches of hair and bald interspersed across the head and face . The eyes were the only part that looked alive , gleaming out of the darkness with that same intensity that they had before . The face made the same breathing sound he 'd heard before , a small exhale of breath . It smelled like roadkill . Myron began to scream . He screamed because he didn 't kno " What … what do you want with me ? " He asked . " I saw you looking for me . You knew I was here . You looked so alone . " It slobbered when it talked , using its throat to form the words , in the absence of a jaw . We made a statue of us . It wasn 't much but it was something . Mostly we just piled up old trash cans and various litter and taped and hammered it into an edifice vaguely resembling a human shape . We needed something to lift our spirits and tell us that we were somebody too , and that helped . We could look up at our statue and tell ourselves that someone loved us , that someone looked up to us , even if that someone was us . We admired that image of ourselves sparkling in the bright sunshine of the salt flats and if we could squinted hard enough we could imagine that the mop bucket head on the statue bore our likeness and that everyone else around us could see the same thing . We 'd been sent away when we 'd gotten sick , out here in the heat and the desert . We 'd been given blankets and shelters and some awful food that most of us ignored . It was hot and barren but with the fevers most of us had we didn 't notice the heat too much . They had talked about putting us down , relieving us of our misery , but an uproar went up . The " Sick Not Dead " campaign swept the country through text message , Facebook and twitter and the law makers swayed to the demands of their constituents . So we were relegated to a place that no one would be likely to catch the disease . It was silly , really , it wasn 't even spread through the air . We didn 't think it was at least , and the Sick Not Dead people made that case too , to little result . Most of polite society wouldn 't have anything to do with us . We couldn 't blame them . Most of us were the same before we got sick . We 'd heard horror stories of the tremors that shook your body , the slow aching gnawing of hunger that couldn 't be satisfied as your body devoured itself , the slow rot of mind and flesh . Those things all happened and it wasn 't something we would wish on anyone . It wasn 't all bad though , you got to be surprisingly good at smelling things . We just figured our bodies were trying to make up for all the other horrors they were inflicting on us . Sometimes people tried to come see what our encampment was all about . Some enterprising fools or drunken college kids would sneak out to the salt flats and look to see the city of the diseased . Late at night they would come , so we couldn 't see , and point and laugh and joke . They forgot about one thing . Even though our city was made of cardboard and garbage and scrap wood and tarps we shared one thing in common with New York City , our city never slept either . At night we couldn 't see them any better than they could see us , but we could smell them . It was surprising , that even with the shakes that wracked our bodies , how many college students could walk right past five or six of us sitting in the shadows . That was when the hunger was at its worst and that was when the population of our city would grow by a few more the next day . |
blog ( n . ) Short for Web log , a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual . Typically updated daily , blogs often reflect the personality of the author . ( v . ) To author a Web log . Other forms : Blogger ( a person who blogs ) . Last week when we were making out birthday party invitations Gage said he wanted to invite Matthew , a kid from his class , to his party . I told him that would be great . We know Matthew from Gage 's Kindergarten class and he is a really nice boy . Gage was always concerned about him in Kindergarten , and now again in 2nd grade , because Matthew is allergic to milk . In Kindergarten each kid brings a snack for the day for the entire class , and rotate through the month . Since Matthew is allergic to milk , many times Gage would talk about how Matthew wasn 't able to have the snack that day because it had milk in it . Matthew 's Mom always sent a snack with him to have if this happened , so he wouldn 't be without one . When it was Gage 's turn for snack , he always wanted to make sure what he took didn 't have milk in it so Matthew could eat it . How thoughtful ! Now , in 2nd grade , everyone brings their own snacks . Gage commented to me the other day that he and Matthew are the only ones in his class that bring healthy snacks . Anyway , I told Gage that for his birthday we could make a snack for him to take for the whole class , which will be this Friday . My plan was to make the delicious , healthy , Pumpkin muffins that Kara gave me the recipe for . I made them last week for Emma 's snack day for the entire class and they were really good . When I mentioned this Pumpkin muffin idea to Gage , he was all excited about it and then asked , " Does it have milk in it Mom ? " I looked through the recipe and it calls for 1 cup of vanilla yogurt , so I told him that it did . He said he wanted to take something that Matthew could eat , so I told him I would see if I could substitute it with something else . ( I 'm no good with these kind of trivia questions , so I always refer these " cooking questions " to Emily . ) Before I had a chance to get in touch with Emily , Matthew 's Mom called me today to RSVP for Gage 's party . She said Matthew was thrilled and was planning to come . She also said that she would send cake with him since he 's allergic to milk . I told her aboutPosted by Boy did I have an awful night last night ! First of all , I should have gone to bed a little earlier than I did , which was around 11 : 30p . I fell asleep pretty easily and around 3 am I was awakened by barking dogs . This is fairly unusual . There is a dog who barks its brains out across the street , but I typically don 't hear that one ( unless of course the mailman is on his rounds ) , especially at night . These are chocolate labs that live right beside the house that is directly behind us . Anyway , the barking dog ( s ) woke me up . I was quite annoyed , but I figured it would stop soon and I could go back to sleep . It didn 't stop . It wasn 't constant , like rapid - fire barking , or anything , but it was frequent enough that I couldn 't fall back asleep AND it sounded like it was right under my bedroom window . We 've had several friends through the years who have lived next to barking nightmares and I have always felt bad for them and wondered how I would repsond to something like that . Well , I got to see how I would respond last night , and let me tell you , it was NOT good ! Around 3 : 20 I got up out of bed , stuck my head against the screen and yelled " QUIET ! " I 'm sure if there were any neighbors laying awake like I was , they got a chuckle out of that . It actually worked , but only for about 20 minutes . The barking resumed and I continued to get more and more annoyed . If I knew the people that live there , I would have been tempted to give them a call . Around 4 am I attempted once again to silence the barking by yelling out the window . Unfortunately it didn 't work this time , and only made matters worse . I made one last attempt at hollering out the window , and when it failed again I gave up on that . By 4 : 30 I decided to try shutting the windows to see if that would help . It didn 't . I guess it helped in that it didn 't sound like the dog was underneath my bedroom window , but in the neighbors yard , which of course is where it was . Since this is really the first time this has happened , I didn 't want to call the police or any drastic thing likPosted by Tomorrow is " Staff Development Day " at school , so the kids have the day off . I will be babysitting Kasey and Ethan tomorrow , since their Mom will be at school and doesn 't have daycare . The good thing about that is that I won 't have to listen to Emma or Gage saying they are bored and can we play with a friend . Hopefully the day will not be too chaotic . Gage won 't be home until around noon or later tomorrow , so Ethan may be bored without him to play with . Today Emma had a birthday party to go to at the park . She had a good time . She must have spent most of her time on the monkey bars because she had just tore open the blister that had formed on her hand when I got there to pick her up . She loves going across those monkey bars . That was one of my favorite things to do at the park when I was growing up too ! While Emma was at the party I ran a few errands and then spent the remainder of my time at the zoo . The park Emma was at was right next to the zoo , so I thought it would be nice to walk around the zoo and see the animals that " I " wanted to see for a change ! : - ) I love the new Big Cat exhibit . The 3 tigers they are are really fun to watch . They are playful just like my cats , only in a much larger size ! Next Saturday ( Oct . 4 . . . . . . . . . . . Gage 's birthday ) they will be letting the leopards out into their new home from 1 - 4pm . I would really like to see how they react to their new surroundings , so I 'll have to talk Gage into going to the zoo on his birthday ! We are having his birthday party on Friday after school . He handed out invitations at school last week . I apparently had a brain fart when I decided Friday from 3 : 05 - 5p would be a good day for the party because the kids have swimming lessons from 4 : 35 - 5 : 05 . UGH ! I 'm not sure what I can do other than have Gage miss swimming lessons . I hate to do that though because he missed this past Friday so he could go hunting with Scott . I don 't think they can pass into the next level if they miss 2 or more classes . The only other option would be to have Gage skip out on the last 1 / 2Posted by I 'm going to give this another try . I was posting to my blog earlier and had just gotten all of my pictures uploaded and the electricity blinked off for a second , causing me to lose everything I had just done . I have no idea why the electricity blinked off , but I hope it doesn 't happen again , at least not until after I complete this post ! Emma and I got Sid , the salamander , all set up in his new home . I think he 's liking this set up much better , despite the picture of him attempting escape ! The information Scott had printed off of the internet about taking care of salamanders said that you need to have stuff for them to burrow in , like peat moss , sphagnum moss or something similar . When we were at PetSmart , I saw that they have wood chips in their reptile habitats , so that 's what we went with . I hope it 's not too difficult to keep clean ! Poor Sid ! Here 's Sids new home . The wood chips should hold moisture which is necessary for a salamander , and it will also give him something to burrow in . He thoroughly explored the aquarium last night and it was fun watching him . He even soaked in his water dish for awhile ! He is a cricket eating machine let me tell you ! We put 4 crickets in there , as I was thinking if they had a place to hide , it would take him longer to find them and eat them . WRONG ! He snatched them all right up . The stupid crickets would walk right up to him and he snatches them up and eats them so fast that you could miss it if you blink ! I also have a light set up to shine in there for him . I don 't know if it 's the right type of light or not ; however . I will have to do some more research on that . I do know that he seems happier and looks better now that he is in his new home . It 's much harder to find him now because he hides under the wood chips . Today Emma and I went to Sertoma Park to the Girls Rock the Park event . Once again , I was unimpressed . Maybe I have my standards set too high ? If there hadn 't been people I know there , I wouldn 't have had a clue what we were supposed to do . They did not do too muchPosted by Scott got home from his trip to Colorado this afternoon around 1 : 30 , then spent the next 1 - 1 / 2 hours getting things ready for the weekend . Tomorrow is the duck season opener so Scott and Gage went to Tuttle to spend the weekend together , hunting . This will be Gage 's 3rd duck opener . I 'm hoping he doesn 't come home in the state he did last year ! He was so tired when he got home it wasn 't even funny . He immediately started bawling and ended up in his room underneath his little table because he was just so exhausted he didn 't know what to do with himself . The nicest thing about this was that Scott sent him home to me with someone else , completely exhausted and irrational , then spent the next few days in Tuttle by himself , hunting , while I got to deal with an overly tired , cranky child . I 'm hoping that doesn 't happen this year . Hopefully another year of maturity is under Gage 's belt and he will know when he needs to nap and knows to get to bed at a decent time . So , with Scott and Gage gone , that leaves Emma and I for a girls - only weekend . I took her to swimming lessons this afternoon , then we came home to eat supper and went out to PetSmart to get Sid ( we 've gone from Sally to Sid ) the salamander set up in a different environment . He wasn 't looking so hot today , despite eating crickets like a champion . That habitat just isn 't the right set up for him and it isn 't big enough . We decided to set up our 10 - gallon aquarium , that we already had to house our anole we had a few years ago , for him . We bought some wood chips and moss , along with a big , shallow water dish that he can lay in if he wants . After we got home and got the aquarium set up , I had to get him out of the habitat and he was in a tight spot , which was hard to get him out of , but he didn 't put up much of a fight . He looked kind of flatso before I took him out . After getting him into the new environment he ate about 40 cents worth of crickets ( we 're going to go broke buying crickets for him . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that is , if he doesn 't die first ! ) , he looks slightly Posted by This morning before we left for school , I asked Gage about his day at the library yesterday . He told me yesterday morning on our walk to school that he was going to tell Mrs . Schmidt that she was in big trouble . When I asked him about it , he said she was crying ! I got all nervous and said , " What do you mean she was crying ? " Gage replies , " I don 't know , she was just crying . " I said , " Gage , was she crying because she was sad , or crying because she was laughing ? " He says , " I don 't know ? " After I dropped the kids off at school this morning , I went down to the library to work a little at reshelving books . When I went into the library , Mrs . Buechler was there ( Mrs . Schmidt is out for meetings until next week ) and when she saw me she said , " Boy did you have Mrs . Schmidt in tears yesterday ! " It was pretty funny how it all happened . Juanita emailed Mrs . Schmidt the link to my blog and she was reading it at school in the library and she was laughing so hard that she was crying and just as she read , " Boy is Mrs . Schmidt in trouble " , Gage comes waltzing into the library to return his books and says , " Mrs . Schmidt , you are in big trouble ! " Well , that brought on another fit of laughter and more tears . Gage apparently didn 't " get " what all was happening . Today when I was reshelving books Marley happened to be one of the books in the bunch . I think that book is going to be haunting me forever ? Gage had soccer practice tonight and boy was it exciting ! Coach Keith decided it would be a great idea to have the kids scrimmage against the parents . It just happened to work out that the only parents there at the time were Moms ! ( Big shocker there , huh ! ? ) There were several of us , me included , who didn 't have on proper shoes for playing soccer ; however , Coach Keith made us play anyway . I haven 't seen Gage try so hard , or hustle so much , in ANY sport he has EVER played ! I guess he just needs the right motivation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . beating his MOM ! I think those boys were shocked that we Moms were pretty good and beat them 2 to 1 ! ! One time I Posted by We were running late for school this morning and I forgot to ask Gage if he made it before the bell rang . ( I 'm thinking he didn 't since his bike was on it 's side , lying on top of another bike in the rack at school when I got there this afternoon ! ) The kids wanted to watch Sally ( I 'm just going to call the salamander Sally , but also refer to Sally as a " him " because it 's faster and easier ) eat his breakfast . I tried my best to get them ready for school before their attention was totally on Sally , but I wasn 't very successful . I must admit it was quite entertaining watching him eat his breakfast , even though it did make us run a little late . It was pretty cool watching him slurp up the cricket that thought sitting on his head , right between his eyes was a good idea ! The kids loved it . We had to feed him another cricket after school so the neighbors could watch it as well . ( He 's on his way to obesity , I can see it now ! ) Yesterday I took the kids to get their hair cut after school . They have school pictures coming up the first week in October , so I figured I best get their hair cut into a more " manageable " length . Gage enjoyed sitting there talking and talking and talking to the gal that was cutting his hair . It was pretty funny . When Emma got up there , the lady asked me what I wanted to do with it . I told her I wanted to get rid of alot of the breakage to see if it would thicken it up a little . She flipped up a piece of hair and asked if that was about right . It looked like it , so I said " yeah , sure ! " I about crapped when I saw the first lock of hair fall ! I think it was close to about 4 inches ! I panicked through the entire haircut , wondering if it was going to be too short , and then thought Emma was going to be totally upset when she saw how short it was . Thankfully she was okay with it , and after my initial shock , I think it 's cuter than all get - out ( I have no idea if that is how you spell that phrase , but I can hear my Mom saying it word for word . ) Here 's the before picture . This was taken on " purple day " the secoPosted by Scott called me from work this morning to tell me that he had something for Emma 's habitat container . He found a salamander on the sidewalk at the DU office and decided to bring it home for Emma and Gage . I was anxious to see it . I have tadpoles on order via the internet , but I don 't think they ship until November . When he got home at lunch time , I had the habitat sitting right on the table waiting . When he opened the box to dump it in I just about crapped ! It was HUGE ! I was not expecting it to be that big ! Check him ( or her ) out ! Emma wants to name it Sally the Salamander , which I think is perfect , but Gage refuses to let that name stick until he finds out if it is a boy or girl . I told him if it turns out to be a boy , we can call him Sal . He wrinkled his nose at me . I didn 't tell the kids about it at all until we got home and waited for them to find it on the table . Emma went right up to it and she hollers out , " What the ! " She thought it was a statue until it moved , and then it startled her . When I told them that Dad caught it for them they were all excited ! He is actually quite active and fun to watch . I was feeling very sorry for him . The poor thing was at the wrong place at the wrong time , and now his peaceful way of living is over . I think the habitat is actually too small for him because he can 't really walk around in it without dropping down into the water , or having to climb a rock . I 'm sure we 'll have to get our aquarium set up for him so he has a bigger space to live in . Before Scott left on his trip this afternoon , we went to PetSmart to buy some crickets . Great , just what we needed , another mouth to feed ! At 10 cents a pop for big crickets , I 'm thinking maybe I need to get into the cricket business ! ? NOT ! When we got home with the crickets , I put 2 in the habitat and I couldn 't believe how quickly he snatched them up ! Scott printed off some information from the internet and these salamanders aren 't supposed to be handled unless absolutely necessary because the oils and things from your hands can penePosted by I 'm beginning to really hate my phone . The answering machine too . I have been thinking about removing the answering machine altogether . Maybe I should just get rid of the phone as well ? I have been being called quite a bit lately from people requesting me to do different things . If I didn 't have the answering machine , then I wouldn 't be obligated to call anyone back . ( Not that that has been a problem for me lately . ) Anyway , this evening the phone rang and I didn 't recognize the caller , but I figured since I 'm in charge of the CROP Walk at church , and my phone number will be listed for people to call with questions , I figured I better answer it . Well , it WAS someone from church , but not about the CROP Walk . UGH ! Anyway , this lady was asking me if I could be a greeter / usher at church during Oct . specifically asking about the 12th at the 11 o ' clock service . I told her I wasn 't able to do that because I would be doing the CROP Walk that day . Then she asked me about the weekend of the 19th , and I told her I would be out of town that weekend . ( I 'll be scrapbooking in Medora ! ) . Then she asked about Oct . 5 . I told her I wasn 't sure about that date because Gage 's birthday is that weekend and we have company in town . ( She doesn 't seem to be getting the subtle hint of me trying to say " No ! " ) I suck at saying no , in case any of you weren 't aware of that . Anyway , she continued on , and I was actually starting to feel a little irritated . I told her , " I 'm sorry , but October is a really busy month for us , and we typically don 't go to the 11 o ' clock service anyway . " She replies , " Yeah , I know and I 'm really having a hard time finding people to usher . How about this . Why don 't I just put you down for Oct . 5 , and then if it doesn 't work out for you , you can find someone else to cover for you . " I 'm thinking EXCUSE ME , but didn 't you just tell me that you were having a hard time finding someone ? If that 's the case , then how am I supposed to ? ? ? Plus , I have been burned on this before and was treated rudely about it . So , I spouted rightPosted by It 's been awhile since I 've missed a day of blogging ! I didn 't even realize I hadn 't blogged yesterday until very late last night , after I was already in bed ! I had just talked to Emily on the phone and gave her a hard time about not keeping her blog updated ! ! Sorry Emily ! Gage had a soccer jamboree yesterday and he played 3 - half games ( 6 periods ) . Gage scored his first goal ! ! ! I was so proud of him ! He was very happy about it as well . I think he was a little surprised that the ball came to him and he was near the goal and no one around , so he kicked it right in ! WAY TO GO GAGE ! Scott made it home last night around 4 : 30 or so from the youth waterfowl hunt . Between the 3 boys they got 7 ducks . Scott said one of the Dad 's had to make a run to get more shells , as they had already gone through 2 boxes of shotgun shells ! : - ) I 'm impressed that they actually harvested some ducks ! After he had been home awhile , he remembered that he forgot to unplug a battery charger in Tuttle , so he and the kids had to make a run to Tuttle last night to unplug the battery charger . I was on my way to a friend 's house in Mandan , so he had to take the kids with him . I think they made it back home around 9 or so . I had an email of a comment that someone had left on my blog yesterday that was kind of neat . I have noticed that my blog gets alot of hits from my blog entry of Emma bottle feeding the baby calves over the 4th of July from people searching for information on this subject . This lady named Sally said " What a delightful post ! I wish my first and only experience feeding a calf had been as happy and peaceful as Emma 's , but it wasn 't . I enjoyed your words and pictures so much that I linked to this post from an article I wrote about how not to feed a baby cow , so that my readers understand there is a proper way . . . I just didn 't follow it ! " Emma is famous ! : - ) I have also noticed that my blog entry " The dreaded " nut cup " seems to get alot of hits from searchers as well ! I wonder how many of them get a laugh out of that post ! You 'd be amazed Posted by Believe it or not , all of the Star Wars and Indiana Jones Lego sets are put together ! I started on the big Trade Federation MTT yesterday evening after supper and finished it this afternoon . Here I am as I get started on the jumbo Lego set yesterday evening . Oh , and yes , in case you 're wondering , I had to take apart what Scott had already built so I could be sure it was together correctly ! I 'm actually glad that I did that because in doing so , I discovered all of those extra Lego pieces that I knew couldn 't just be " extras " weren 't " extras " ! They belonged to a smaller unit that goes inside this big thing . I don 't even know what you call it ? A space ship on wheels ? Gage was thrilled to death when he got home from school this afternoon and it was all put together ! He played with it quite a bit this evening too . This one seems to be much more solid than the others and stays together a little better when being played with . Thank goodness ! ! I don 't ever want to put it together again ! There are over 1300 pieces in this thing ! Here are all of the Star Wars Lego sets I have put together this week ! Around 3 , 000 pieces worth ! ( That includes the Indiana Jones ones that you don 't see in this picture ! ) I sure hope Gage doesn 't get too many of these things for his birthday ! Now our next project is to figure out where to keep these things ! Scott left this morning and was out touring around some photographer / journalist person today . He is staying in Tuttle tonight and I believe the kids that are participating in the youth hunt tomorrow with Scott and their Dads will be staying there as well . They will go out in the morning and Scott says he 'll be home sometime in the afternoon . Hopefully none of the kids gets too excited and accidentally shoots their guide / mentor ! Gage has a soccer game tomorrow morning , and other than that , we don 't have a whole lot going on this weekend . I 'm glad of that too because I am just plain tired today ! Today is a very nice day here in ND ! Actually , it 's warmer than I like . However , I am not complaining ! Gage is selling popcorn for our annual Cub Scout fundraiser . Off to the right you will see a Boy Scout emblem that you can click on to order popcorn . I believe being able to order through a web - site was new last year . The link will take you directly to Gage 's account so that he will get the credit for the sale . Our troop earns 23 or 24 % of the online sales , and they earn 27 % if you order it directly through us and then we deliver it to you . This site makes it easier for friends and family from afar to order the popcorn to support their scout . ( However , my family in Iowa should not use this link because you can just order through us and we 'll deliver it when we come home for Christmas ! ) If you do order it online , it will be shipped to your home from the company . If he sells $ 1 , 300 or more worth of popcorn he will be eligible for a college scholarship ! ! If he sells $ 2300 or more he can also win a Nintendo DS ! ! That 's what he 's shooting for , but that 's quite alot of popcorn to sell , and I 'm not sure if we can make that goal or not ? If you decide to order from the web - site , be sure that it says you are supporting Gage S . It should say that because it 's linked directly to his account ; however , if for whatever reason it doesn 't , Gage 's order key is TEZHRUQ . Thanks for your support ! Believe it or not , we have all of those Star Wars / Indiana Jones Lego sets put together ! I told Gage I swear there has to be another set of directions somewhere because we have way too many pieces leftover to just be " extras " ! I take that back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . we have yet to complete the great big 1300 piece Lego set ( Trade Federation MTT ) that is pretty much still in the box . Scott and Gage started on it and that 's all that 's been done to it . I was happy to get all of those boxes and instructions back down to Gage 's closet ! We 'll see what happens with the big set that 's left . I was feeling better today for the most part . I still have a headache , which has lingered all day . It 's one of my typical monthly migraines , I think . I didn 't do a whole lot today , other than go to Biolife and get groceries , which desperately needed to happen . Scott went hunting for grouse this morning with a couple of co - workers . It sure was nice not to have to listen to Brie ring the door bell all day long ! She is wiped out from a hard days work , but boy does she have terrible gas ! ? I don 't know what she may have eaten , but I think it was rotten ! ! They all got their limit of 3 grouse apiece . Scott cleaned them and we had grouse fajitas for supper and they were really pretty darned good ! The kids really liked them too ! School is going great . Gage has his next spelling test tomorrow . His challenge " bonus " words this week are spice , erase and confuse . I 'm going into the library at Gage 's school again tomorrow to reshelve books . I need to get started on thinking about Gage 's birthday since it 's just around the corner . We haven 't done a thing to plan yet , but I 've been trying to talk him into a Pirate party versus another Star Wars one . I have a cute pirate ship cake I can make ( I think ! ) . I haven 't even bought him any presents yet ! I 've been too busy volunteering ! : - ) I had a busy day today . Today was my first day in Gage 's school library as a volunteer to help reshelve books . Somehow I got roped into volunteering to work in the school library ! ( Just kidding Juanita . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I thoroughly enjoyed my time surrounded by books ! ) I love children 's books , as you can tell by my kids ' bookshelves , so I was in seventh heaven this morning . I must admit I was a little frightened ( okay , ALOT frightened ) about the Dewey Decimal System ! I never did understand it back in my school days and was never able to figure out how to find a book in the library by using the card catalog and / or the Dewey Decimal System . Initially the librarian put me onto the easy picture books , then I moved to fiction and after I shelved all of those books , I was a little reluctant to start on the nonfiction ( which is where the Dewey Decimal System comes into play ) . Little did I know , it was pretty simple ! I spent an hour and a half in the library and also enjoyed listening to one of the first grade class 's story time . Unfortunately I wasn 't around for Gage 's scheduled library time . From there I headed down to the Girl Scout office to meet Kara , and hopefully find out more information . We did learn a few more things , but it was like pulling teeth . Maybe we 'll have it all figured out by the time the school year is over ? : - ) After that , I had a couple of errands to run and I wasn 't quite sure I was going to make it ? After I left from meeting with Kara , I started feeling kind of rotten . I was on the verge of a headache anyway , and I 'm guessing the little stress I had at the Girl Scout office increased its intensity ? Anyway , I started feeling very clammy , hot and lightheaded and nauseous ( not the best feeling when you 're driving ! ) . Once I got to my first stop and got out of the car to go into the store , the feeling kind of passed a little , but once I got back in the car , I started feeling weird again . I thought maybe it was because it was kind of hot out , so I turned the air conditioner on high , then proceeded onto my nPosted by I have been planning to do some big yee haw - type post when my 1 - year anniversary of blogging comes around . For the past few days I 've been thinking I need to go back to check to see when my first post was , but have forgotten to do it . I assumed it would be coming up soon ! I was surprised when I looked today and my 1 year blogging anniversary was actually August 18 ! I am much more successful as a blogger than a journal - keeper ! Tonight Gage had his first Pack meeting for the new fall scouting season . He received several awards tonight for all of the hard work he 's done this summer . He got an Outdoor Activity Award patch , a baseball belt loop ( a metal thing that slides onto your belt , resembling a belt loop ) and pin , a swimming belt loop and pin and a soccer belt loop and pin . The other boys in our den received some awards too . Our den standing up front to be recognized for the awards they have earned . Gage receiving his awards from the Cubmaster . These are the awards that Gage received tonight . The Cubmaster asked Gage to go over to his mother , the den leader , and raise her hand . ( I immediately got red in the face and was embarrassed . Scott is the den leader , not me ! ) However , I have been the one reading through the materials figuring out what awards Gage and his fellow den - mates can get . I had mentioned to the Cubmaster in an email that I was a bit of an over - achiever as I 'm sure he had already figured out , because I had sent him quite a few emails this summer to make sure they knew who has earned what in our den and asking different questions . He told the group he would like to see more over - achievers . Uh , yeah . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I really don 't think you want a whole group of anal retentive parents like me ! ! ! ! LOL ! Scott ( and I ) are in charge of the popcorn fundraiser this year , as well as the candy bar fundraiser that takes place in Feb . Popcorn sales start SOON , so get ready ! : - ) The top prize this year for the popcorn fundraiser is a Nintendo DS lite ! Gage really wants it ! I told him that if he was going to eaPosted by I 'm sure you 're wondering what in the heck that number means ? ? Well , I 'll get to that a little later . When Gage was born it was pretty easy to keep track of his toys . They were all fairly big and we didn 't have that many of them . As he got a little older , he started accumulating more toys . He was very much into toy animals when he was around 12 - 18 months . I was so excited when I discovered Schleich animals . There was a store in Bozeman that carried them , and every so often we would go to town and get a new animal . Gage 's favorite was the elephant . He loved making elephant noises while he used his arm to simulate an elephant 's trunk . It was so cute when he would do that ! After we had several animals , I kept a running total in my head . I knew exactly how many we had and I always knew if any were missing . I became obsessed with this and virtually any toy that Gage had that had multiple pieces , I knew how many there were and I would always count them when we put them away so I knew if we had them all . Many of my friends would laugh at me and tell me I would eventually " outgrow " that . I did finally " outgrow " counting toys because we have way too many for me to keep track of . I 'm still kind of like that with games . I can 't stand playing games when all of the pieces aren 't there . Emily knows how crazy this makes me because when I was helping her pack , I kept finding different pieces to the DVD Candyland game that I handed down to her . My kids had pretty much outgrown it and I was sick and tired of picking up all of those little gingerbread guys . I would find them all over . I was finding them all over at Emily 's too , and I purposefully waited to close one of the boxes I was packing to make sure I had all of those pieces . Even close to the end of packing , I was still finding those stupid pieces and AFTER I had sealed the box ! LOL ! Anyway , if you haven 't figured it out , I tend to have a little OCD . Today after church as I was trying to think of something to do to keep the kids entertained . Scott was out hunting and I wasn ' Posted by This afternoon the kids and I headed to Papa 's Pumpkin Patch for our church 's annual hot dog roast and hayride . I hadn 't noticed before today , but our leaves are changing color . Fall is definitely on its way . It felt like it today too ! Gage had a soccer game this morning and it was a little chilly for that , but not too awfully bad . We stopped on our way home at the church to help Juanita at the church 's booth for the Street Fair , but there were plenty of ladies there to help ( the one she was counting on to not show up , didn 't as suspected ) so the kids and I went on home after stopping at the grocery store . It was kind of funny at the store . We were just picking up a few items and when we got near the checkout Gage and Emma were eyeing the junk food . Gage says , " Mom , can we get a box of Twinkies ? " I reply , " Sure Gage ! " He says , " What ? We can get some ? " I tell him , " Yes , Gage , you can get some . " To which he replies , " Really ? You really mean it ? " LOL ! YES ! He was thrilled . He says , " Mom , when I ask Dad he always tells me no ! " I told him I thought since they were being so good , they deserved a treat . Emma picked out some candy and they split that in half and then they completely forgot about the Twinkies . Neither one of them has even had one ! ? I think this may be the first or second time I 've ever even bought Twinkies ? I wish I hadn 't brought this up , because now I 'm thinking about wanting to eat one . ( That 's why I don 't buy that stuff , because the kids forget about it and I 'm the one who eats them all ! ) Emma and I made a grape salad for the potluck at the pumpkin patch . It was completely devoured , which always happen when I take that dish ! It 's really very yummy and very easy ! I actually forgot to take the camera with me to the pumpkin patch so I was sad about that , however , I 'll never regret it when I get to this point in scrapbooking , because it will be a miracle if I make it through our summer pictures ! The kids had a great time . The hayride was fun as well . Because it was so windy and cold , the driver of the wagonPosted by My sister Kysa told me that my Mom and Dad bought a Wii . Yes , you read that right , they bought a Wii ! Apparently my Dad is ticked because my Mom beat him in 2 games of bowling ! ( Okay , you can see I come by this naturally ! ) I can 't wait to see this ! I hope they start out easy and work their way up to tennis ! It can be pretty strenuous . Scott hurt himself the other night when he was trying to serve me a burner ! : - ) I 'd hate to be the cause of some serious health problems because they are playing tennis ! And now that I am on the subject , Scott keeps asking me when I 'm going to blog about him beating me in tennis . So , I am blogging about it . Scott has been a little more of a challenge for me to beat , which definitely makes it more fun . However , there 's been a couple of times that he was completely ticked off and threw the remote onto the couch . It hit hard enough that it bounced and nearly tumbled to the floor , but he lunged to grab it before it did . He was sure lucky on that one ! This opens up a whole new subject for me . Sportsmanship . I hate losing , but I 'm never a poor sport about it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . at least not now that I 'm an adult . I remember getting made fun of when I would lose in a hand of cards growing up , but that was because I was so serious about winning . I never threw a fit that I remember . ( Did I Mom and Dad ? ) Scott on the other hand has problems when it comes to losing . During our church volleyball league he got mad enough a couple of times last year that he threw sand . This summer when Gage was playing baseball , he started emulating this behavior . This really bothered me , and it also bothered Scott . I have to remind Scott of where he learned this ! He 's trying to stop behaving like this when he loses ( this is Scott I am talking about , not Gage ) but it seems to be a hard habit to break . Last night I got mad at him because he threw a fit when he lost because his guy wasn 't hitting the ball ( yeah , it was totally the guy 's fault , not Scott 's ! ) . He stomped off to bed . Later when I came to bePosted by Well , okay , so maybe it wasn 't quite that heroic . This morning as I was walking back by Emma 's playground , on my way home from dropping the kids off at school , there was a group of kids standing around this little guy who was laying on the ground , and as I walked by , another little boy punched him in the stomach . It wasn 't a really hard punch , but it was a blow to the stomach nonetheless . I looked to see where the teacher was , and she had her back turned , talking to another child . I stopped and said , " Hey , you probably shouldn 't be doing that " in a nice , quiet kind of way . He came up to the fence to me and replies , " Well , you 're not my boss so you can 't tell me what to do ! " I shot back off at him , " Uh , if you would like , I can go get that teacher standing right over there ! " He said , " Okay " as he watched me walk away . In the meantime , the little guy on the ground took off and started playing again . It 's really hard to believe that it was 7 years ago today that our nation was attacked by terrorists ! It doesn 't seem that long ago ? We lived in Bozeman , MT at the time and I remember just waking up ( mountain time zone ) and walking out into the living room where Scott had just turned on the television and saw the World Trade Center just before it was hit by the second plane . Gage was just 11 months old and Scott was feeding him oatmeal for breakfast . Where were you and what were you doing when the towers were hit ? Gage had his first spelling test today and he got all of the words right , plus the 3 bonus words ! WAY TO GO GAGE ! Tomorrow will be the dictation part of the test . I told him I am always so excited on Fridays to see the next weeks ' spelling list ! ! ! He looked at me like I was from another planet . : - ) Tomorrow is Bismarck 's Downtowner 's Street Fair . My friend Kara , of KLG Designs , will have her booth set up for business . I went downtown with her this evening to help her get her booth set up since her husband is out of town . She is very organized and I was amazed how contained she had all of her stuff . She had everytPosted by I don 't know what I 'm going to do about Scott , who is rising into stardom ? : - ) This morning while I was at Biolife , I heard an employee talking to another donor about this news video that aired on television last night around suppertime . I was sure to tell her that that was my husband ! : - ) There 's no turning back now . We were assigned our first Daisy Scout today . With Emma and Jadyn , that makes 3 of us ! LOL ! I 've got tons of paperwork that I desperately need to figure out how to organize , but thank goodness for my spreadsheet queen , Kara ! She 'll have me straightened out in no time . I had a pretty quiet day . There is a new talk show on at 2pm on NBC , The Dr . 's , that I am enjoying . This is much better than Family Feud , although that loud strike was a great alarm clock ! I stay pretty busy most all day , then I spend my last hour of peace and quiet on the couch watching this new show . For a few weeks now , I have been trying to find out information about signing Emma up for Daisy Scouts . I saw one of the gals from the Scout office on Open House day at Northridge , as she had a table set up there informing girls of the Girl Scout program . I talked to this gal , gave her my email and told her that my friend , Kara , and I are interested in being Daisy Scout co - leaders . She told me that she would email me an application form to fill out because they also do background checks . I never did get an email from her . Last week , I sent an email to an address I found for the Scout office here in town asking about the form and I never did get a reply . This is absolutely crazy to me . Most of the time , if you volunteer to do something , you can plan to be bombarded with all sorts of requests . This isn 't the case here . Today I finally decided to make a trip down to the Girl Scout office because I want to make sure we don 't miss the big sign - up for the fall and to tell them again that I am interested in being a leader . I did make some progress today , thankfully . They gave me a leader pack with some information in it and a quick review of the forms . I still have many questions , but for the most part I think we 're on our way to being Daisies . I told the lady that if she hasn 't already figured it out , that I 'm a bit of an over - achiever . She said that was good , but I informed her that it 's not always a wonderful thing ! ! LOL ! We will also have Cub Scouts again this year with Gage . Once again I have been trying to find information out and I can never seem to get anywhere with it . What is it with these organizations ? I 'm getting to the point where I think I may have to volunteer at a higher level so I know what the heck is going on ! ? I certainly don 't want that , but I am offering myself up to these places and it just blows my mind that they aren 't jumping on it ? Now , if it were the church , it would be a whole different story ! : - ) Emma had gymnastics tonight and she just loves it . It 's a bit irritating to me that it 's so difPosted by Now that Gage is in 2nd grade , he is bringing home more homework . He has had quite an attitude about it in the past ( because a friend of his had this attitude ) , but he 's been doing reasonably well so far this year . Every week he will have reading homework on Mondays that are due back the following Monday , Math homework on Tuesdays , which are due back the following Tuesdays and on Fridays they bring home new spelling lists to study for a test the following Thursday and a dictation test the following day , on Friday . We are going to be plenty busy with homework it seems . Today Gage brought home his first reading homework . He has a reading log that he is to fill in each day of at least 15 minutes of reading . Even though reading to Gage is still very important , this 15 minutes has to be on his own , either silent or out loud . He then has a story that he is supposed to read while I time him to see how many words he can read in 1 minute . In the beginning months of 2nd grade , they should be able to read 44 words per minute or more . The sheet he is to read is at the 2nd grade level and he read the entire thing , which was 144 words , in less than a minute . There is also a graph that we are supposed to graph this information on so we can see how they progress through the year . I 'm hoping she 'll send home harder stuff for him , or a bigger graph , so I can see Gage 's progress . For his spelling tests he will have 12 regular spelling words , and then they have 3 bonus words they can spell for extra points . This week his extra words are lettuce , pocket and engine . The first 12 words he has are pretty simple and he has no problem with them , and he only had problems really with lettuce . Scott taught him a trick for lettuce though , so now he has it stored in his little memory bank . Spelling was always my favorite subject and I enjoy seeing his new list of words each week . My only problem with all of this is TIME . It 's very hard to get all of this stuff done in just the few hours we have from after school until bedtime . We are shooting foPosted by Emma had some money that has been burning a hole in her pocket . She had $ 20 from her Grandpa Alan and Grandpa Stephens and she was determined to spend it today . We went to Walmart ( and just so you know Emily , Walmart is a bad place to be on Sunday too ! ) today to look around at DVD players . The kids have broken all 3 of our machines and we wanted to see what is available . Emma brought her money with her and she wanted to buy a Littlest Pet Shop set . She found that , then also found a 2 - n - 1 Habitat / Backyard Safari . She had enough money for both , so we let her spend it so she won 't be worried about it any longer . She is very excited about her new backyard safari . This container can be used for bugs or even frogs . The package said that there was a coupon for free tadpoles included ! ! Emma was sold . She found a little baby toad when we were in Iowa over the 4th of July and decided she was going to keep it as a pet . Well , that is until it escaped the ice cream bucket and got lost in my parents ' basement . Did you ever find that toad Mom and Dad ? After we got home and got the package opened and found the coupon for the free tadpole , I noticed it said that the tadpole was free , but it was $ 7 . 99 for shipping and handling . No wonder this backyard safari was clearanced at Walmart ! I think I am going to go check them out at PetSmart before I order it , as I 'm sure we 'll have better luck getting one there , rather than having one mailed to us ! ? Gage was excited about Emma 's purchase as well , because he was sure she would let him have one of the tadpoles she would get . We didn 't realize at the time you would only get ONE in the shipment ! It also says in the directions that you shouldn 't have more than one frog in this thing because it isn 't big enough for more than that . I think we 'll have to go with 2 anyway , to prevent the fighting . We didn 't have much luck with fish , so I don 't know how we 'll do with frogs . Hopefully we won 't have any escape this time ! The kids had a nice time at church this morning . They had a scavenger hunt plaPosted by Gage had his first soccer game of the season this morning . It turned out to be a beautiful day for it too ! We were very proud of the way he hustled . He still wasn 't the most aggressive kicker out there , but I 'm just overjoyed that he tried his hardest . I didn 't realize how rough of a sport soccer can be ! ? At one point , early on in the game , Gage went to kick the ball and one of his opponents ( who happens to be a kid we know from church ) fell in front of him and he kicked him in the head . I don 't think it was that hard , but it was hard enough to send the little guy to the sidelines with his parents . Then , not long after that , Gage took a ball right in the face . It kind of stunned him at first , but then he started crying while he was holding his face and nose . The coach picked him up and carried him off the field to me and I had him sit in my lap awhile while I rubbed his back . While I had him there I said , " Gage , did you accidentally kick Seth in the head ? " He replies , " No , I didn 't , but my cleat did . " Ooops . I could tell when Seth started crying that Gage felt really bad and was very concerned about him . Before the game started the coach had the kids doing warm - ups . Jumping jacks are always quite amusing . Gage has a hard time with the jumping jacks and timing them appropriately . Warm - up kicks into the goal . More warming up . Coach Keith giving the kids a pep talk before the game starts . The Stephens were listed as parent monitors . I made Scott go out and do it because I don 't know the first thing about soccer . Neither does Scott , but I figured he could fake it a little better than I could ? Gage gives the ball a nice kick during the game . Even though they don 't keep score , it 's alot easier to know what the score is in soccer than in baseball . We had about 4 goals to the opponents ' 2 . Gage is hustling down the field on the right of the ball . He did a very good job of passing the ball to his teammates . The whole team actually did a pretty good job of passing the ball . Gage was trying really hard to score a goal and aPosted by |
This real story , you will not belive . Hello my name is Zoë . I am 20 year beautiful girl and I do exersize daily so I have good body shape , like to wear very tight jeans . My parents were ( looking back ) actually pretty cool although Mother tended to be very intrusive . It 's a no brainer that I expected to have lots of fun . It was not even the Fourth [ of July ] when Mom got the phone call from her mom about her dad . He was sick and it would be a good time to visit . She took off leaving Dad and me to cope without wife , mother and home keeper . For more than a week , everything went as you would expect . Dad went off to his job every day and I went to play . I managed to fit a little bit of house work into my busy schedule . On the weekend Dad and I did stuff together . All seemed quiet idyllic until Dad came home late and very upset from work . I was really at a loss for I just did not know what to do to comfort him and get him back together . What I could see was that he had crushed a fender on the car but that surely could be fixed . The most that I could get out of him was that he had run into a tree and no one else was involved . I suggested that he go to his room and lie down for a while . His response was quite strange : " Yes , I 've been a bad boy ; I 'll go to my room . " What could I do ? I knew Mom was more than busy with her sick father and worrying mother so I called my other grandpa , Dad 's father . It was the right thing to do . Grandpa listened carefully to me and told me about stuff that Dad did more than thirty years earlier . He had been only fourteen and somewhat wild . He and his buds had gotten some moonshine . Far too much for inexperienced boys to handle and , of course , got smashed . Dad had then taken Gramps ' car and tried to drive through a tree thus crushing a fender . I interjected : " The left one ? " " Yes , Zoë , the left one . Your dad was a sorry sight . He was sick drunk and threw up on himself and then collapsed on the lawn . In the morning he had the granddaddy of hangovers and had pissed his pants . Your grandma and I were most displeased with him . " " Yes , very short . We treated him like he was only twelve with an early curfew and bedtime , reduced his allowance and severely restricted his going out . Sort of like ' grounding ' these days . " Grandpa paused . " I guess that it worked for he kept to the line after that for several years . Did he seem drunk or disoriented when he came in ? " I was really surprised when I got to Dad 's room . He was not lying down nor was he ranting or raving . He was naked , standing in the corner with his hands on his head . That was just the way he had taught me to wait for a spanking when I was naughty and the way he had to wait when he was a boy . i was watching my father naked first time in my life . The chair was pulled into a place where it could be used for spanking and right next to it were the hairbrush and his mustache clipper / trimmer . It was like Grandmother had ordered him : " Go to your room , young boy . " even though I had only suggested that he go lay down , although his response was more like I had told him to stand in the corner . Dad turned and walked to me . " I wasn 't concentrating and ran into the tree . I 'm sorry , very , very sorry . I was drinking . I had not my seat belt on . Please , don 't spank me as hard as last time . " I was a bit flabbergasted . Actually , a lot so I plopped down on the chair . Dad handed me the hairbrush and got over my lap . " I 'm really sorry . I know that I must be spanked . " he said . I confess that I had thought about spanking some guys ladies but never my own father . A daughter is going to spank his father . Most of the times I had images of my friends ' bratty kid brothers and sometime one of the guys at school but never an old guy . Well , forgive me , but at my age dad 's forty - four years is old . But here I was with him - bare - assed - over her daughter lap expecting to be spanked by me . I had not decided that it should be but he did . Could I do it ? Would he find someone else and this all become public if I would not ? That certainly would not be a good thing ! Could this require a shrink ? Beside I am a dutiful daughter and he told me to do it so I should obey . I was confused and conflicted . With heavy heart I raised the brush and brought it down on his waiting bottom . I watched the red spot form . It only took that one spank to understand why Dad had always said : " This hurts me more than it does you . " It was then I knew that I must continue . Dad had some need to be spanked . Exactly why I would leave to the shrinks to decide , but at this moment I knew that I had to spank him and spank him hard . So I did . Over and over I raised the hairbrush and brought it down on his ass . i was enjoing spanking dad . Dad always said a task worth doing is worth doing well so I spanked him well . I spanked him extra long and hard till dad 's bottom was blue and black and he was crying very bitterly . He was not a little boy but a man with real muscles and a large target so it took a lot of spanks . He did not try to escape but just accepted each and every spank . He had always encouraged me to cry when he spanked me so I continued spanking him just like he had always spanked me . ( However , if he strapped me , then I was supposed to take it stoically like a good daughter . ) I made sure that he passed the point of no return where the spanker truly knows that he has been thoroughly spanked even deep in one 's soul , where one can atone for one 's transgressions . His butt was a deep red and blue now and he was bawling like a baby . Bawling like he made me do more times than I want to remember . I stopped and let him cry some more after lifting him up . He was rubbing his bottom like crazy and danced in the room everywhere . I burst out laughing , feel sorry for him . He was like a little boy and kneeled in front of me and I held him tightly as he cried . Surely he was recalling his crime and his punishment , just as I had in this position , and I hoped he was finding peace . He cried a long time but that did not matter . I would hold him as long as he needed to be held . I was glad no one else was around to see him this way . I wondered if his mind was in the present or the past of thirty years ago . There were so many similarities . With time , his crying lessened and eventually stopped . I hoped that I could get him into bed to sleep and recover . I continued to hold him and tell him that all was OK and I loved him . Shortly after , he was able to stand up . I was about to get him into the bathroom to wash his tear stained face and to pee before tucking him into bed but he reached for the clipper and then handed it to me . It did not connect for a few seconds - Grandpa had said he lost his pubes that time . Perhaps he did other times also . He stood straight with his hands behind him ready to accept his punishment . He knew what the procedure was . He had never done it to me but again I was trapped . He was back thirty years so I turned on the machine and started . The first pass was the hardest . The clipper did not have any trouble removing the dense hair . In less than two minutes , more than 90 percent of his pubes were gone . He looked so boyish now . I led him to the toilet and told him to pee . He did . Then I washed his face and put him to bed . I carefully tucked him in and kissed him goodnight like he had done for me ever so many times ' I saw he turned quickly on his tummy because he did not like to sleep on her bottom or like to sit on hard chair . I sat for a long time before calling Grandpa . I knew that he was waiting for me for a report on Dad 's condition . One thing I knew is that I could never prevaricate with him . As a kid I had tried but he always cocked his head and scrunched his eyebrows so that I knew he knew that I was being untruthful . It would not matter that we were hundreds of miles apart , he would know . I picked up the phone . " Grandpa , he was not injured and is now sleeping . " Grandpa knew that was not the entire relevant truth and told me to tell all . What else could I do ? I told him all . " You did fine , Zoë . Actually , you did very well . " He said . That was certainly a relief . " Your dad felt like he was a boy again and you gave him what he needed . Hopefully , he will be himself in the morning . If not , then we have to consider what else to do . " Dad seemed normal in the morning when he went off to work . Well , he did say something a little strange considering that this was the day he usually had a drink with his friends after work . " I 'll be home at 4 : 40 . Have a good day , Zoë . " At dinner he seemed just fine and reported that the day had gone fine at work . But he went to bed at eight skipping one of his favorite TV shows . I called Grandpa again . Grandpa explained that he seemed to be following the rules he had to when he was twelve and after he gotten drunk and damaged the car . " He must be feeling very guilty and needs to be punished to get over it . He did when he was a boy . " After saying that , Grandpa told me what all those rules were . I did not watch the tube or surf that night . I thought about Dad ; there was not anything in the universe that mattered more . If he thought he was a boy did that mean that he saw me as his mother ? In a few days , the situation clarified . Outside the house , Dad was himself but home he was a boy . He behaved as a fourteen - year - old boy being punished by having to follow the rules of a twelve - year - old . He saw me as a strict mother . He expected to be treated strictly and punished for any infractions . He was even confessing to misbehavers like skipping chores and expecting to be spanked . What could I do but to give him what he required ? Grandpa concurred so I took charge . He did not take out the garbage cans to the curb one evening . Fortunately , I noticed in the morning and got it out before the pickup trucks came by later in the day . After supper , I told him and sent him to his room telling him I would be up shortly . When I went a little while later , he was waiting , naked , in the corner . He expected to be punished and I could not disappoint him . I sat in the chair and called him from the corner . He stood in front of me and I lectured him like he was only twelve . He stared at the floor the entire times , silent except for some sniffles . I ordered him to put the pillows at the end of his bed and lie across them for he was going to get strapped . I pulled my wide belt from my skin tight jeans and folded it . I gave him ten hard cuts . It was most interesting how the red stripes formed one by one and then merged into one mass of red . I led him to the bathtub and wet his crotch using the shower - hose . I covered it with shaving gel and used his razor to remove the stubble that had grown out since I had used the clippers . The task done , I told him to shower and get to bed early . I , too , went to bed early . I 've not been speaking of it yet , but I was changing because of what I was doing . I was being far more responsible dealing with stuff that my ' parents had always taken care of for me . My room was not a mess with dirty clothes and snack remnants about . I was not keeping house like mother did but I was not being a pig either . I was worrying about Dad a lot rather than just playing . I felt very different inside - more mature and more powerful . Powerful as in commanding and potent . I was jerking off harder and more often . Dad was settling into his boyish self and seemed happy . It was a few days later that I returned from being out with my friends . It was past Dad 's bedtime but I saw a light on in his room . It took a couple of second to realize that it was flickering so that it was the TV . I entered the house quietly and went to his room . He was surprised . Not only was it past his bedtime but he was watching porno . I yelled at him for being bad . Good forty - year - old boys do not watch TV after lights out and never a porno channel . I spanked him right then and there in his bed . I pulled back his covers , ordered him to lie on his front , pulled down his briefs and gave him ten whacks with my slipper . He felt them for it was a heavy slipper . He even sobbed a little . I tucked him in , hugged him and told him I loved him and kissed him goodnight . It was only later that I realized how parental I had been . The next day , I studied the cable TV directions and setup the parental controls to block the adult channels and even limit viewing times . I also set the v - chip in the TV itself . I would not have to spank him if he could not misbehave . I still found it emotionally very difficult to spank him . I checked his account on the family PC . That was easy because I had the administrator access . I found that he was visiting a great many adult sites . That afternoon , I purchased a nanny program and installed it on his account . Within the day the log showed that he was blocked but he did not complain . I 'm sure that he knew that it was out of bounds so to complain was to ask for a spanking . I took this as a good sign . I always made sure that I left weekends free so that we could have quality father / daughter time together . Society required that he had to drive and use the credit card to pay but those were superficial things . We had been doing this for six weeks when he actually wanted to talk about it . " I 've been difficult , Zoë . " he said , while we were sitting in the park . " You have helped me a great deal and I appreciate what you have done . " " Dad , I love you and would do anything for you . Yes , it has been difficult but I 've grown up a lot this summer . I 've learnt how to handle things . I 'm not a little girl anymore but I know I 'm not fully a woman yet . Are you yourself again ? " Dad smiled at me and gave me a hug . " I 'm so proud of you , my darling daughter . You have no idea . I , too , have changed . I 've gotten over crushing the car thanks to you . " Now it was my turn to smile and hug . " But … " I still want to be a boy , your boy , at home , my girl . I want you to stay in charge at home like you 've been for the last few weeks . " I was shocked at his request . I 'm sure it showed on my face . " I find that I 'm more peaceful and I think you like the power and authority . Also , it helps you to grow and mature a lot . " He had me there for that was certainly true . Not only that but I was proud of my own self - discipline . " I will be honored to be head of the house . " I immediately started to think about taking control of Mother when she returned next week . She had some faults that definitely needed correction . Yes , Dad hit the nail right on its head - I loved the power and authority ! It was only a few days later that Mother returned home from her being with her parents the whole summer . Her father had gotten over his illness ( as much as one can at his age ) . Dad and I had decided not to tell her immediately about our changed relationship . She had also changed while she was away . It is not really necessary to assign blame or cause . Folk wisdom teaches that one is always a child to one 's parents and this was very much true for Mom and her ' parents . Mom complained : " She treated me like I was a little kid . It was worse than when I was in college or even high school . And she had to have everything her way . " Well , truth be told , it certainly was the case that Mom was very much like her own mother in this regard . Before she left she was , so it seemed , on my case about doing my school work , doing my chores , getting in early and wanting to know all the details of my life such as when I used the toilet and blew my nose . I wouldn 't have been surprised if she kept track of when I jacked off . Now after a summer of freedom and actually being in charge of Dad and the house , she seemed more than excessively intrusive . Something needed to be done and very soon or something horrendous would happen . There was another problem ; however , that Dad and I agreed was more pressing . Mom 's parents were smokers and Mom had been one also when Dad married her . While being back with her parents she took up the filthy , dangerous , disgusting practice again . We immediately told her that she had to stop this . We understood that just stopping was not likely , but it was absolutely prohibited in the house and she would have to stop completely in a few weeks . Dad even refused to kiss her because of the stink . My refusal was not as extreme but I did not have to suck face like Dad had to . When she was alone in the house , she smoked , thinking she could get away with it . The stench made it obvious and we laid the law down . It was only outside that she might smoke . Smoking in the car was also forbidden . We got into conflicts on other matters also . Even as she complained about how she was being treated , she was treating us like babies . That we had managed quite well while she was gone never occurred to her . Even Dad found that she was intrusive and excessive in her ways . It was worse for me ; not only for the reasons I 've already mentioned but because of the usual conflict between youth and ' rents . She had trouble believing that Dad and I managed not to fight , much less kill each other , during the summer . It was time to tell Mom two things . First , she was neither the head of house , second that Dad had abdicated in my favor and had freely submitted to my authority . She sat there sputtering like a wet cat for at least five minutes and she could not believe it . Dad assured her it was really true and explained how he had damaged the car and reverted back to being a boy after which I supported his needs and acted like a mother even spanking him several times . She sat there with her mouth open like she was catching flies . Dad continued explaining that when he got over the problem he had freely decided that I should be in charge in the house . " Our Zoë has grown up , dear , and you cannot treat her as a little girl any more . " " Mother , " I said , " while you were away , things changed . Please note that we both managed quite well without your most intrusive ways . The same intrusive way that you bitched about how your Mother had treated you . Just like you must , for your health and ours , give up that filthy habit , you must respect that we are not babies . " " How dare you speak to me like that ! " she screamed and dashed into the kitchen . She returned in an instant with the wooden spoon that she had used many times on my little bottom for many years . " You 're not too old to feel this , young lady , … " she yelled , brandishing it as she sat down next to me on the couch . " … now get over my lap this instant , lady . " I reacted but not how she expected . I did not get up but grabbed her and hauled her over my lap . She was too surprised to do anything except scream so I easily got one leg over hers and twisted one arm behind her back . She tried to free herself but I was stronger and held her firmly . I looked up at Dad . He was grinning and nodding his approval . With my free hand , I raised her skirt and tucked it under her arm . Then I yanked down her panties to expose her behind . Her bottom was very soft , white and bigger than dad . She has good body . Without even a word , I started to spank her very hard . It took four spanks on each cheek to get everything nice and rosy . I ignored her yelling as I lectured her applying a hard spank at least once a sentence . She soon was crying . I would just have used my hand if she had not gotten that wooden spoon which I hated with a passion . She always spanks me with wooden spoon when I was little and it hurt like crazy . I pulled it out of her hand and gave her a five dozen spank like she used to give to me . That got her bawling and she soon went limp in effect indicating her surrender to the inevitable changes her bottom was glowing red now . I pulled her around so that I could hug her as she cried on my breast . She cried for a long time and I comforted her . I confess I had not planned to go this way so soon but she forced me . I was not even sure that I had done the right thing and the only encouragement I had was that Dad seemed to approve . I could not know if he thought Mom had the same needs as he did to be a kid or some other reason . I told Dad to get the clippers which he dutiful did without hesitation . When Mom stopped crying , I told her that I was going to treat her like I did Dad and that she had best mend her ways and mind her manners or she would have a lot of trouble sitting comfortably because I will have to spank my mother 's bottom regulary . She always would not like to sit on her bottom on hard chair to eat dinner , breakfast . I undid the button and zipper of her skirt and stood her up . As her skirt fell , I yanked her panties down and pulled her back onto my lap . Holding her tightly as both ends , I had Dad clip off her pubes like I had taken his . She whined a lot but couldn 't really fight back . I spank her with my hand and she started crying again . I told Dad to take her to bed , comfort her and explain the rules . I had homework to do . There was a change in the morning . Mom had gotten breakfast ready and greeted us cheerfully . She did not ask those irritating questions of either Dad or me but only if we would be back for dinner . I was delighted but was sure it would not last . It was clear that evening that she had been smoking a lot during the day and even in the house . I had tried to give her a chance to stop gradually , but obviously that had failed miserably and stricter measures were required . I waited until after dinner . I sat her down in the family room and gave her a long lecture about the horrors of smoking . " You 've have had several days to taper off but you have not . From this moment on , you shall not smoke at all , period . I shall now give you a spanking for smoking in the house today which you well knew was strictly forbidden . " I did not let her complain in any way . I just grabbed her , and undid her slacks and yanked them down so that they were pooled at her ankles . Then I unbuttoned her blouse and yanked it off leaving her in just her underwear . At this point I had to hold her wrists because of her objections , so I gave Dad a signal and he undid her bra and yanked down her panties leaving her naked . She was blushing but that was probably good . She was naked in front of me . Sitting on the chair , I pulled her over my lap and clamped her legs in place . With her top half unsupported she had to use her hands to keep from banging her head on the floor . She got a long hard spanking that turned her bottom red hot . I even spanked her after she was bawling so that it would really impress upon her nicotine - poisoned brain that smoking had some very unpleasant consequences in the present ( as well the promised long term ones ) . When I stopped spanking her upper thighs and her poor bottom was fire engine red she was crying harder , she get up and jumped around the room like a six year old girl dance and rubbed her bottom while try to cool her hot red bottom . Both Dad and I held her for a bit and then parked her in the corner for a half hour hands on head . Then , room by room I made her collect all the smoking stuff she had - cigarettes , lighters , matches , and ashtrays - to destroy it all and put it in the trash . It took her a while to crush five packs worth of cigs one by one . Much of her contraband stores were in the bedroom so we all ended up there . When she had finished destroying the evil material , I had her lie on her bed on a towel . Dad had used the clipper roughly the night before but she needed a proper shave . A wet washcloth started the process and then the shaving gel . She was less than happy with this happening , especially being done by me . I told her that I had seen it all before when I was born and several times when I was little so she should relax . I reminded her that a hospital aide had shaved her before I was born and I was returning her to that nice smooth state . Dad held her hands and also told her to relax . It was an early bedtime for her and Dad decided to stay with her . I had heaps of homework to do . In the morning nothing was said but she was wearing a very loose pajama I can see she was not wearing any underwear also . When I gave her little smile she said " you done a great job on my poor bottom I can 't wear any underwear or tight jeans just like you when I spank you . When you was little and wore pajama after a dose with my spoon or hairbrush now I also have to wore lose pajama for minnum a week and I slept on my tummy last night she said with smilling " . She made breakfast and eat her breakfast standing even she don 't try to sit . we went off to work and school . It was that evening , when I was doing my homework that Dad spoke to me in private . " Mom 's coming around to not only accepting that you 're in charge but to welcome it . Give her a little time and everything will be just great . We both really appreciate the crackdown on the smoking and Mom confessed it 's making it easier . " I was , naturally , delighted . My destiny was up to me and I wouldn 't have to put up with petty nagging and intrusions or any of the other stuff my friends complained about their parents . It was more than a month later that Mom actually told me she was happy with me being in charge . " We 're a much happier family now , also I haven 't any stress because of smoking . You have beautiful and strict daughter and don 't try to smoke again it will very bad for your bottom " I said and she agreed . But it was what Dad told me in the greatest confidence , not even certain that he should , which was great news . I told him that he should tell me only what he was comfortable with telling me and I reminded him that he always told me when I was little that I could talk about anything with him . He took a while to say it , with several false starts but then said it in just a simple sentence . " Sex is so much better now ; it 's like we 're kids again ! " That was really great news . I 'm afraid that I may have given the impression that everything was clear sailing . It was not like we encountered typhoons but there were some squalls in the process . Dad and I had very few because he actively wanted the change from the very beginning . Dad always seem be able to be both man and boy so he would have discouraged me from taking charge of Mom if he had any doubts about my handling the situation when we talked before she returned . Early in August , he had needed a spanking which he accepted without any objection acknowledging his misbehavior . He did try to talk me out of shaving his pubes again after that . I told him : " Little child don 't have pubes and that when you grow up , you will be allowed to have them . " He was silent after that as I shaved him carefully . Basically , it was our family secret for we did not go about with matching T - shirts with " I 'm the boy " on his and " I 'm the mother " on mine . At work he is just another guy to everyone but when he takes a pee , he is reminded when he reaches inside and doesn 't feel any hair . He actually preferred that I shave him rather than doing it himself . This is especially the case when he has been good and does not require a spanking . He liked the intimate contact and the physical submission . Mother certainly has been more difficult as I 've already told you about . Dad certainly helped to get her to be properly obedient . At the beginning she required a spanking every four to six days so I got to see how her pubes were growing back . Dad always encouraged her to relax and to be obedient like he was . I did not give her the choice , but used the razor strap when I felt that she needed it and it was very good teacher . With time , she became more accepting and lost the irrational false modesty she had acquired since she was a teen . She even accepted that inside , doors may never be locked . That rule was just a matter of discipline . Dad never had any trouble with it and I don 't bother . Along with the Thanksgiving holiday we got blizzards all over the country . Our planned family dinner was canceled as they were many people that could not travel . Mom and Dad invited their friends Ken and June Slaton and their daughter , Susie , for a holiday dinner . Their other daughter was safely trapped at college because of the storms . June is very perceptive and during dinner commented that Mom and Dad were much more relaxed than they had been in years and wanted to know the secret . There was some banter back and forth . Both of the Slaton 's promised to keep the secret and , just in case , I asked Susie to promise not to tell , if the adults had big mouths with wagging ' tongues and told . She smiled , promised and gave me her hand on it . She is about four months younger than I . The ladies went to the kitchen and then June shrieked and we all heard an astonished : " Zoë is in charge of you ? " The cat was out of the bag and Mom was due for a spanking because of her blabbing . Ken looked at Dad with the question in his eyes . Dad nodded . All I could hope for is that it wouldn 't go any further because of the complications that might occur . I was very glad I had made Susie promise . There was not any point trying to deny it so I told Mom that we would talk about this later . I have always hated how parents seem to like to not only punish their kids but like to do it in front of their friends for the extra charge of embarrassing and humiliating them . Otherwise , I would have taken her over my lap immediately . Unfortunately , Mother continued to shoot her mouth off shocking everyone . It was totally irrational that she had just told and then was bemoaning that they knew . It would be fair to say that she was acting like a five - year - old having a tantrum . Dad understood and was embarrassed but provided the solution . " Zoë , there is only one way to deal with a temper tantrum . " Ken and June did not say anything although Ken nodded . I had to act so I did . I repositioned my chair and grabbed Mother . I dragged her over to the chair , sat down and upended her over my lap . Then it was her skirt up and panties down to expose her bottom . Everyone was silent as they watched . I had to spank her for three minutes before she shut up . Then I proceeded to lecture her as I spanked her hard with her hair brush . After another few minutes , I got through to her and she was bawling while lying limply . I parked her in the corner for ten minutes with her skirt tucked into her collar and her panties about her knees . Of course , the conversation was about her terrible conduct . Everyone was surprised to see mom 's fire red bottom and thigh . She had a cushion to sit because the chairs were hard . She was very contrite when she rejoined us . The ' parents told all to the Slaton 's who were all ears . I chimed in a little but it wouldn 't have mattered . The women retired to deal with the mess in the kitchen and Ken and Dad settled in for a brandy and a talk . I was about to take Susie to my room when she spoke . " Dad , don 't forget that you 're the designated driver today . " she put one brandy glass back in the cabinet and then called : " Mom , please get a soft drink for Dad . " He might have said those things even without knowing about my being in control but they sounded more authoritative this night . Up in my room she was not interested in anything but what my being in charge was all about and she certainly was impressed by seeing me spank Mother . It was obvious she thought that it was a great idea and meant freedom . I brought her down to earth very quickly : " It a great big responsibility and effort . " Only then could I explain it all to her especially the part that it was only in the house and that they had to be adults outside . I told her about how I had to be very responsible for myself , even to punish myself . That got her to thinking . It was a week after school had resumed that Susie asked if she could come home with me because she wanted to talk privately . I agreed and we got down to it over milk in the family room . First , she gave me the news that his ' parents were talking about abdication in her favor since her sister was away at college although they did not know she had overheard them . Second , she loved the idea and hoped she was up to it . Third , she had fucked up a test for no other reason than she had not studied for it . " Plain and simple gross negligence . My ' parents will just yell at me about this , which wouldn 't make me change , when what I really need is a good hard spanking . " she said . Of course , it was clear that she was asking me to spank her but I made her say it explicitly . Then I suggested perhaps an earlier curfew and a shave . She immediately agreed that she would set herself a curfew but was puzzled about the shave . I explained . She thought about that for a while and agreed . " I acted like a kid and should be spanked like a kid and look like a kid and have rules like a kid . " she blurted out in one quick go . Zoë , please spank and shave me . " We went to my room and she stripped down . I let her do that herself because she was in charge of herself and I was only a tool at the moment . I sent her for the hairbrush and then got her over my lap . I started with my hand which got her quite red and close to tears . Then I switched to the hairbrush . That packs a much harder wallop and in just four minutes she was crying and soon bawling . She never struggled although I 'm sure that was difficult . She was accepting her self - decreed punishment like a good girl . When she had cried herself out , I ran the clipper through her lovely bush . I 'm sure she was proud of her as I was of mine but she never flinched from the clippers . Then I used the razor to get her extra smooth . She accepted her punishment stoically . After she cleaned up , she thanked me and asked that I help her with her new rules . It took more than an hour to work them out and they were stricter than I would have made for her . Then she went home . The next day she told me her parents were quite surprised at what she had done . She refused to tell them exactly what the punishment had been or what the rules were . She said they were impressed . Of course , she had to live up to them . It 's clear she wanted to be in charge of herself and her ' parents . Then I thought that she is going to get there soon . I bet it would be really fun for the six of us to rent a cabin by the lake - four forty - year - old kids with two sixteen - year - olds in charge . They were both sat on chair with red bum and crying . Two parents get spanked by their daughters when they misbehave . |
The boys are both going through a phase where they are saying bye bye to everything they can think of . Bye bye truck , bye bye boo boo , bye bye house , bye bye moon , bye bye airplane , bye bye helicopter , etc . . . . . you get the idea . But today 's bye bye was one to remember . We were getting out of the car and Ben noticed bird poop on the rear of the car . He had noticed it once before and I had told him it was bird poop . So today , both boys were saying " bye bye poop " . I couldn 't help but laugh at that one . They were saying it over and over , as we left the car to go into the store , and then they were saying it again , over and over , as we drove away from the store . Both boys are now doing pretty well with drinking out of an open cup . I have been serving their milk from an open cup in the mornings and then we go back to the cup with the lid and straw when they are more tired . So far , we have only had one large spill that went on the floor . All of the others were just little drips on the counter , for the most part . They have been waking up way to early for me these days . I don 't think they ever changed their wake up time when the time change happened , although their bedtime at night did change . Most days they take a pretty good nap but , boy , the mornings sure get long sometimes . Today we went out looking for Christmas - y sweaters for them . Kohl 's had racks of beautiful little girl dresses for Christmas but NOTHING for little boys . I couldn 't believe it . Target was not much better . Babies - R - Us had a few sweaters but not many , although we did find something there that works . I had so few to choose from that I had to buy two identical ones . This is the number one reason that the boys are dressed alike so often . There are just not that many cute boy clothes to choose from and I 'm not going to spend a ton of money on clothes that they are going to grow out of in 2 or 3 months . I am coming down with the dreaded cold that Nick has had for the past few days . I can 't tell if Ben is getting it or not . I hate getting sick at this time of year . . . . I mean , it is never something that you want to have happen but it 's extra bad at this time of year . There is so much going on and you don 't want to miss things or not enjoy them due to illness . I have changed my mind about some of the boys ' Christmas gifts . We had already gotten them each a very large Tonka dump truck but I think we are going to return it and get one little cash register , two shopping carts and some groceries . They are quickly getting into the pretend thing and I think they might have more fun with this than with the trucks , since they already have some trucks anyway . I have already got the little cash register . It is a popular older Fischer Price toy that has recently been brought back . I am still looking for the shopping carts and food . I so want to be done with my Christmas shopping soon . I had planned to finish it very early this year and it has not happened . I have some of it done but still have a few things to find . We had a wonderful Thanksgiving , celebrated at my sister 's house with her family , my mom , all three of my brothers , several nieces and nephews and spouses and a great niece ( pictured ) . . . . and of course , my husband and two sons . I lost count of how many people were there but I think it was somewhere around 18 or 20 . It was definitely the largest family crowd that our two sons have seen yet and they seem to have handled it well . They had a great time playing with their big cousin Trent ( also pictured ) . I brought lots and lots of toys and books to keep them busy but they spent more time playing with the toys my niece brought for her little girl . All in all , everyone had a great time , we had wonderful food and it was so nice to see the family again . These three pictures were taken as I was making the Mississippi Mud , the day before Thanksgiving . The chocolate is from the icing and the white stuff is marshmellow creme . The boys now have a new appreciation for baking . We had a wonderful , relaxing weekend . I did some book shopping at our local Christian bookstore for myself and am now reading several books at once . I have a really hard time going into that place to shop for a book . I normally come out with several and this time was no different . I found six books that all seemed to be calling my name . One , called Mommy Teach Me is about homeschooling preschoolers and I really liked it a lot . I started it Saturday and finished it on Sunday . Great book with some great ideas and good advice . Another is called Teaching Kids about God . It discusses what children at various ages are able to understand about God and different ways you can help them to learn to have their own relationship with God . I have just started it but it seems very good , although I 'm not sure if I will agree with everything they say . Another is called The Discipline Book by the Sears ' ( husband and wife ) . It is a fairly large book and I am only maybe an eighth of the way through it but it seems pretty good so far . The other three books I bought to address a concern I have had , which is making sure I am not just correcting behavior but that I am also shepherding the heart of my children . These three books are Spirtually Parenting your Preschooler , Shepherding a Child 's Heart and The Key to Your Child 's Heart . I am not far along into any of these to be able to comment on them but I think at least one of them will be really good and all three of them will likely have some very good points . So , I have been doing a lot of reading lately . Here is one of the little activities from the Mommy Teach Me book that I did with the boys today ( sorry for the poor lighting ) . They really liked it a lot . The trays are plastic and the pitchers are glass . I showed them how to carefully carry the tray and place it on the table . They both did pretty well . I showed them how to be careful with the pitchers and how to pour the rice slowly , trying to hit the middle of the other pitcher . They were suppose to turn the tray around each time , so they are always pouring from left to right , which also helps preparing to read left to right . They poured it back and forth between the pitchers and into the tray and they picked it up with their fingers . They did everything with the rice . I 'm not sure that is exactly how it was suppose to go but the book says the number one thing for this activity is teaching them how to concentrate on a task and I think they did that pretty well . They had fun with it regardless . I went to a dollar store this weekend to buy a lot of the stuff that I need to do many of the activities in the Mommy Teach Me book . I bought some simple sponges , without the rough scrubber things , and I cut one in half to let them pretend to wash their dishes . They loved that and have cleaned their dishes and pots and pans over and over , in addition to the window , the cabinets , trucks , trains , etc . . . . . you name it , they have tried to clean it . Of course , they were using a dry sponge , so nothing is really clean : ) . But they had fun and I had fun watching them and telling them what a good job they were doing . On Sunday afternoon , while the boys were napping , I spent a good deal of time consolidating books and rearranging things in our library / play room . I moved all of the books up so that all of the bottom three shelves are now dedicated to toys and books for the boys . It really allows for orderly toy storage , which is recommended in a couple of the books I have read , and we now also have room for materials for crafts and other activities . The boys quickly get the idea of what goes where and everything has a place and they are pretty good about putting things back , although they do get out lots of stuff at once and make a big mess at times too . I am very happy with the way the room turned out though . It seems as if there is a lot more play room and there is definitely more storage space for keeping their things orderly . The chair and small red couch are also closer to the kitchen , which is nice when I am sitting in there with them but need to check on dinner or lunch . It has also opened up the front window , which is the window that the boys enjoy the most , since they can see cars and trucks going by . We went to church on Sunday and I , once again , shamelessly bribed my sons with candy . Once again , they went to their class without a peep and they had a wonderful time and seemed quite happy when we picked them up . The candy thing makes it a win - win for everyone involved . I 'm sure the caregivers appreciate that they are no longer having to deal with two children crying at the same time , while they also have other children arriving . Our boys are no longer upset and crying when we leave , which is nice for them , and they love the candy of course . We leave them feeling much better that they seem happy . I figured we 'll use the candy bribe for a few Sundays and then maybe try switching to stickers or something else . It seems good for now . . . . we 'll see what the future holds . Last but not least comes our health issues : ) . Nick has a cold , as of today , and his poor little nose has been running like crazy all day . The good news is that he is not running a fever and it has been quite a while since the boys have had a cold so , overall , they are doing pretty well . I noticed that Ben is cutting his 2 year bottom molars . The only reason I noticed was that he has been drooling a bit lately : ) . I think I have found a really good chiropractor . After one treatment , which felt wonderful , I am feeling a bit better already . . . . not completely but definitely a bit better . That leaves me feeling very hopeful that we will fix these issues once and for all and he will teach me the right exercises / stretches to keep them fixed . The most terrible news is that we took Ben back to the plastic surgeon today . His scar is not looking good at all . The surgeon took one look at it and said , with a frown , " this is not acceptable " . Apparently , his body reacted to the dissolving type stitches very badly . The result is that the scar is wider than it should be . It looks as if it pulled apart before it healed . And you can very clearly see the little holes where the stitches were . This means that we have to redo the surgery . I almost cried when we were driving away and I had a chance to really digest this . We go back to the plastic surgeon in two months to see how the scar is doing and how much scar tissue is there . We 'll continue to pray about this over the next couple of months and I know God will get us through it . I just feel really bad for B , that he has to go through this all over again . That 's what makes me more sad than anything else . Yesterday was a very busy day for me . I made the Mississippi Mud , entirely from scratch , which took most of the morning , when you add in changing diapers , meals and snacks and playing referee to two little boys . I also did several loads of laundry , the last of which is still in the dryer . I ate lunch , made the bed , emptied the trash , took a shower and washed my hair and fixed it , during nap time . Since my morning was so busy , I waited until after nap time to go to the grocery store to get some salmon for dinner . I don 't like to buy it before the day we are going to eat it because I have had some that went bad in a very short amount of time . ( I hate that smell and it comes dangerously close to turning me off to salmon altogether , which would be sad because I really like it and it is so healthy . ) The boys took a long nap so we were heading to the grocery store later than I had intended . The temperature had dropped into the 30 's so , for the first time this fall , we had to bundle up in our heavy coats . We ended up having dinner a bit later than normal . I quickly cleaned up after dinner and then it was time to brush teeth and start baths . The dad got home when the boys were still in the bath tub . After the boys were in bed for the night , I was in my bathroom , getting ready for bed . The thought came to me that I had spent very little time holding , snuggling , hugging , kissing or even giving positive feedback to the boys today . After thinking about it for a minute , I ended up feeling that I had spent more time today correcting them about various things ( mostly disagreements between the two of them ) than I had loving on them . I really hate it when that happens . It just makes me wish I could have a do - over . It is a gift from God that they have such short memories at this age , which effectively gives me a do - over today : ) . I am very thankful for that . I am very thankful for God 's love , which He shows us in so many big and little ways every day and through so many people . I can remember a time when I was struggling with feeling God 's love . I was in the church choir at the time and we were singing songs about how much God loves us . God tells us He loves us through His word , the pastor preached about how much God loves us and everyone talked about it all the time but I was not * feeling * it . I can remember praying about it , while tears ran down my face , and asking God to help me feel His love for me . I also remember very distinctly how He started pointing out to me , one by one , all the ways He was showing me His love every day , through this friend 's hug , through that friend 's phone call to see how I was doing , through my family , etc . He responded to my plea very quickly and showed me all the ways He was constantly showing me His love . It meant so much to me and I knew , without a doubt , that He was talking to me and wanted me to know how much He loves me . I have never forgotten that time . What a special God we have . I am thankful we have such a loving God , who cares about the big and little things that we are going through and who wants us to know that He loves us . I am thankful for the salvation He has provided for us . I am thankful for the two little boys with whom He has blessed us and I am so honored that He has entrusted them into our care . I am thankful for the wonderful , caring husband he has given me and father He has given the boys . I am thankful for our extended families and our friends , who are so loving to us and our children . I am thankful for the abundant life with which He has blessed us . I am thankful for all of the beauty around us , that constantly reminds us of the beautiful world He created . I am so very thankful that we are sharing our Thanksgiving with our children this year . They are such a joy to our lives . Yesterday my sister was saying how she had just been thinking about what joy they have brought to our entire family and how thankful she is for them too . Yes , we are very very blessed and I thank our heavenly Father for that . I pray that days like yesterday , when I get too busy and don 't spend enough time snuggling , hugging and kissing my little boys , will be very few and far between . Nick was putting together some bread and veggies for a pretend snack . It was most amusing to watch him work . Notice the plate on the left , with the two cars on top of the tomato . Doesn 't that look yummy ? ! Apparently it does to a little boy : ) ! Notice how Ben holds his pencil the right way . I only showed him how to do this once . Nick , on the other hand , gets upset with me if I try to show him how to hold his pencil . I read somewhere that you should make them hold it the proper way from the very beginning but I have not pushed this with him yet . This is a little train set that my brother , SIL and niece gave the boys at a shower , before the boys ever came home . I got it out the other day for the first time but it is really for 3 years old and up . . . . and for good reason . They spent more time taking it apart than anything else so , after a day or two , I put it away again . The boys were doing somersaults . Nick would get in position and then pat his bottom , which he could barely reach , and say to Ben " pish , pish " , " brother , pish " ( translation , push : ) . It was really cute . Yesterday afternoon , the boys and I spent a lot of time outside playing . We had been out for a while when I remembered that my sister gave us some sidewalk chalk . I 'm not sure who had more fun with it , them or me : ) . I am sure who got more of it on their clothes . . . them ! I had to strip them down before I let them into the house . Good thing it was still warm outside . Today the temperature has dropped like a rock . The last time I looked , it was around 36 degrees and still dropping . Yesterday it was in the high 70 's . Big change . I was ready for it though . I like it to be colder when we celebrate Thanksgiving . I made the Mississippi Mud today . It looks good . I hope it tastes good . We 'll find out tomorrow . I have grown weary of hearing Ben scream . He screams anytime things don 't go his way . Yesterday he was screaming because Nick was trying to take a toy away from him . So , I taught him how to say " mine " : ) . This is a word that the boys had not starting using yet because they really have not heard it around here much . So I taught him the word and we role - played him having a toy and me trying to take it from him . At the time , it seemed like a good idea . I want him to learn how to use words , rather than screaming . But , in retrospect , I am thinking that this one will most likely back fire on me . In my vivid imagination , I can already hear him * screaming * " mine ! ! " , even if I am trying to take something from him that he should not have . Oh well , what 's a mom to do ? Another thing I may regret is that the boys and I have started playing this game when we listen to their music . There is a song with a chorus that says " I 'm gonna get you ; you 'd better run ! " . It is a very upbeat , fun song and I just couldn 't resist chasing them , while singing the song . They absolutely love being chased . They giggle and laugh and they are never ready to stop . When the song is over , I am exhausted and they are disappointed . I think they could do this for hours . Yesterday evening , when the dad got home , the boys were sitting in my lap and we were reading a book . We have finally gotten to the point where they will both sit in a lap and let us read the same book to the two of them at the same time . For the longest time , Nick wanted to hold and control his own book and did not want us to read to him . He enjoyed looking at the pictures and talking about them but had little interest or attention span for listening to us read . Now he loves it and will climb into a lap and say " read " to us . I digress . So we were reading a book together and they heard the garage door go up . They both got down and ran to the door and Nick was saying " daddy home , daddy home " . When the dad goes to the bedroom to change his clothes , the boys love to go with him and hide in the clothes , open and close the various doors , play with the digital scales or turn light switches on and off . Ben had been in the library / playroom , when Nick and the dad went to the bedroom . When Ben realized he was missing out on the bedroom play time , he ran in that direction saying " daddy home , daddy home " . Overall , I think the boys are pretty neck and neck , when it comes to their communication skills and vocabulary size . They are both saying more and more 2 word phrases / sentences , although Ben seems more likely to repeat them now , when I say to them " say night night daddy " or something like that . When Ben gets a positive response from me , Nick usually jumps in and tries to say it too . Yesterday I was singing " Jesus loves me , this I know . . . " to the boys . Ben started singing it with me and it was * * SO * * sweet . It almost made me cry . It is just too precious to hear a small child sing . He really did pretty well on the chorus ( " Yes , Jesus loves me ; yes , Jesus loves me ; yes , Jesus loves me ; the Bible tells me so . ) He could say most of it and he mumbled any words that he missed . He and I were looking at each other while we sang it together and we both had a huge smile on our faces and it was just too adorable . We both laughed together when we finished and then he would say " again ? " . We have struggled in the past with the boys wanting to play with the light switches . They have gotten much better about this now and I try to remember to ask one of them to turn the lights on and off for me , since they enjoy it so much . Yesterday evening , we were getting the boys ready for bed and Nick was looking for his Ya Ya . I told him I thought it was in the library / playroom so he ran in there by himself . Normally when he saw that the room was dark , he would stop and come back , look at me and sometimes would say " help " . He did not want to go into the dark room by himself . Last night , for the first time , he handled it differently . The light was off in that room and it was already dark . As he went into the room , I heard him say " light " and then the light came on . Next I heard him mumbling , as he was looking for Ya Ya and then I heard " Ya Ya ! " , when he found it . Next came " light " again and he turned out the light and ran back into the living room . It was the first time I have seen either of the boys actually go through this whole process , realizing they need the light and using the light switch as it is meant to be used . I thought for sure he would leave the room with the light still on , so I was quite surprised when he remember to turn it off again . As much as they enjoy turning the lights on and off , I guess I should not have been surprised that he remembered . They have also gotten to the point that , when the dryer buzzer goes off , they run ahead of me into the laundry room because they enjoy helping to remove the clothes from the dryer and dumping them into a laundry basket . When I tell them I am going to the laundry room to put clothes in the dryer , they also run along with me . When I drop the clothes on the dryer door , they like to push them into the dryer . It 's nice to see them helping in ways that they can help . They enjoy it so much at this age . I need to figure out how to include them more in setting / clearing the table and loading / unloading the dishwasher . I know they would enjoy it . They are still having a great time , playing with the large box in which the new furnace came . Yesterday I turned it on its side , so it is more like a cave , and it became a whole new , interesting toy again : ) . I am in search of some new , good puzzles , as the boys can work all of the puzzles we have now . I have now gotten to where I create a menu for the week on Monday mornings and the boys and I go grocery shopping that morning and get everything we will need for the week . It really reduces my stress about cooking and I feel much more organized when I do this . So we were at Walmart yesterday and they have these Christmas trees set up as you enter the store . The trees were there last week too , so the boys have already seen them a couple of times and I have told them what they are . Yesterday , as we walked by one , Ben pointed to the tree and said " Christmas tree ! " , as big as you please . I said " yes , that is a Christmas tree ; isn 't it pretty ? " . Lately I have written a lot about what the boys say . When I do this , I am writing what they are trying to say , rather than the actual way they are saying it . Their words frequently do not come out as clearly as I write them but I am not good at writing their words the actual way they say them , if you know what I mean . In other words , they do not speak that clearly and the dad frequently does not understand what they are saying . Since I am with them all the time , I normally know what they are saying . I just didn 't want everyone thinking that they are saying all of these words perfectly clear , as an adult would , even though that is the way I write their words here . It 's just easier for me to write it that way . . . . I 'm all for easy : ) . For the first time , I took the boys to church by myself ! Yay ! I prayed about it a lot and I used a small bag of M & M 's as my helper : ) . I talked to the boys about going to church and playing with the other children and seeing Katy ( our babysitter ) again , etc . I told them they were going to be big boys and not cry and that they were going to go to their class and I was going to go to my class . I talked it up pretty good but I still brought the M & M 's , which I believe were key to our success . I showed them the M & M 's as we were getting out of our car and told them they could have one when we got inside . I gave them each one when we got to the sign - in desk . ( By this time , they have normally started crying / whining and asked to be picked up . ) I gave them each another one when we got to the door of their classroom . When we got to the door , Nick decided he did not want to go and he took off running in the other direction . But then I said " Nick , don 't you want another M & M ? " and he came running back : ) . They both went into the classroom and Ben held up his hands for me to pick him up , as he said " mommy ? mommy ? " . I told him I would be back later and I gave the candy to Katy . I think there was only one other little girl in the class at the time and there are two adults and Katy , taking care of the kids . So , the boys were getting a lot of attention from everyone , which helped . And , of course , the M & M 's were key . Neither of them cried at all ! It was amazing ! They normally cry every week , when we leave them . I was so relieved that it went so well . As I sat in my class , I said a thank - you prayer . My husband joined me for the worship service and we went together to pick up the boys from their class . Ben had his back to the door , so he didn 't see us come in . He was holding up a doll , moving her up and down and around , as he danced with her ! It was so funny . I was cracking up . One of the caregivers said that both of the boys had been dancing with the dolls . Very funny . They were both very happy to see their daddy , since they had not seen him this morning . I was driving the other day , with the boys in the back in their car seats , and I was trying to get out of a parking lot , taking a left turn onto a major road . I was having a hard time finding an exit where I could cross the median . I ended up at a dead end in the parking lot and said " oh shoot " . From the back seat , I hear little Nick saying " mommy ? " " oh " " hoot " , or something like that , but clearly trying his best to imitate what I had just said . Regardless , it was a very funny , but also eye opening , moment : ) . The same day , I was combing the boys ' hair , as we were getting ready to go out and run our errands . As I was combing Nick 's hair , he said " mommy ? " " church ? " . It took me a minute to understand what he was saying , since it was a bit out of context ( for me anyway ) . Fortunately ( ? ) at this age they repeat everything until you acknowledge , in some way , what they are saying . I am quite surprised at how much he is understanding now , not just new words but really understanding more meaning behind the words . Yesterday the boys spent a good deal of time outside with their dad . The dad was raking leaves and the boys were having fun , playing with leaves , sticks and rocks . I love watching little boys play outside , especially when there are no toys around and they invent their own play . Even though this was suppose to be some down time for me , I was drawn to the windows to watch them . At one point , Ben was ready to come inside but Nick clearly wanted to stay outside with dad . I think he would be out there all day , every day , if he could . I feel guilty at times that I don 't get them out enough to play . I need to do better at this because I know it is so good for them . It 's funny though . I watch them with their dad and they seem to be really good about playing while dad reads or works or whatever . With me , they are constantly saying " Mommy ? Sit . Sit . " They want me to see what they are doing , to play with them , to talk to them , to narrate what they are doing , etc . The dad plays with them and interacts with them too . But I am sure , since I am home with them all day , that I end up doing this more so I suppose they have come to expect it more from me . I definitely talk to them A LOT and I think they like that too . I enjoy spending time with them and playing with them but , sometimes , when I see them playing so nicely , with the dad sitting nearby reading , I 'm a bit jealous of that situation : ) . I suppose maybe I should make an effort to do that a bit here and there , so they might get used to it with me too sometimes . In other news , Ben 's face is healing very nicely . We put sunscreen on it every morning and wash it off every night , so that hopefully the scar will not be as prominent . Yesterday it looked as if the scab was starting to flake off in places . Little kids heal so fast ; it is really amazing . My mom is doing much much better these days . It seems her blood pressure is getting back to normal , so she is not feeling light headed and dizzy so much now . Her energy level is getting better but is definitely not what it used to be , although I wonder if it ever will be . She is still wearing her wig and scarves and has heard that it will take around 6 months before her hair will really be coming back in well . She definitely looks as if she feels better now , which is heartening . I 'm not sure if I mentioned that , a week and a half ago , she fell while she was walking in to have her manicure . She tripped over the concrete stopper thing that one hits with the front tires , when parking a car in many parking lots . It was sticking out and she didn 't see it . She fell on asphalt and her cheek took the brunt of the fall . I have not seen her but it is apparently all colors of green , blue , yellow and she also has cuts and abrasions . I think she said her knee was also bruised . We are thankful that she did not break any bones and that she seems to be healing quickly . I can 't believe that Thanksgiving is less than a week away . Wow ! My mom traditionally makes this dessert called Mississippi Mud and it is delicious . This year , for the first time ever , I will be making the famous Mississippi Mud , since mom does not feel up to it . My sister makes the most wonderful homemade pies , with homemade crust , so I have offered my services to make the Mud this year : ) . The dad took the boys shopping with him yesterday and they bought outside Christmas lights for the house and the bushes out front . We have not decorated our house before now but my husband bought some things ( timers , extension cords , etc . ) at the end of the season last year ( when everything was on sale ) , in preparation for this year . We knew that once we had the boys , we would want to decorate . I am ready to start decorating . I think we should turn on our lights on Thanksgiving day night or the the night after , so we can enjoy them longer : ) . Today we went to Sam 's to buy a few things and we had lunch there . The boys split a hot dog , had a few potato chips and two sips of an orange soda . This was their first time to ever try any carbonated beverage . When they tried it , they gave me the funniest look and then started coughing . When I offered them a second sip a little later , they both shook their head no . They each finally had a second sip when they were almost done with the meal . . . if you want to call that a meal : ) . I sat there and felt guilty about what an unhealthy lunch I was feeding them . Normally , they have a sandwich , soup , mac and cheese or something like that but they almost always have a veggie with their lunch . I almost always serve them a veggie with lunch because otherwise they won 't get their recommended quota . I don 't eat nearly as healthy as they do . I know this will eventually be a big problem for me : ) . They had all of the Christmas stuff out at Sam 's . It really got me excited to start decorating for Christmas , although it is a bit too soon for us . I am so excited to share the holidays with the boys this year ! Did I mention that in an earlier post ? ? : ) Our downstairs air conditioner has finally decided to give it up so we are having to replace it . I am thankful it happened while it is cooler outside and not during our weeks of 100 degree plus summer weather . We have now lived in this house for almost two years . It was built in 1998 . We have already had to replace both air conditioner / furnace units ( upstairs and downstairs ) . Isn 't that pitiful ? ( and very expensive ) . Oh well , that 's life . I am thankful that we have the money saved . The guy is going to do it tomorrow . I found the dress - up play clothes on the Toys R Us website that I want to get the boys for Christmas . The only thing is that the shipping cost is going to be almost $ 30 , which I think is totally outrageous . I tried to find some on - line coupons or promotional codes but have yet to find one that works . I 'm still looking . If you know of something , please let me know . I bought the police officer outfit at the Toys R Us store the other day and I want to get the fire fighter outfit and two cowboy outfits from the website . But I really don 't want to pay $ 30 for shipping . What a waste of money . I will have to see if there is another Toys R Us near us and see if they have what I want . I think they sold out of a lot of these clothes for Halloween . - - Ben , handing me the letter H as I was walking by the fridge this morning : " H " ( I just introduced ' G ' , ' H ' and ' I ' yesterday evening ) . Nick also handed me the letter ' I ' and told me " I " . I have been introducing three letters at a time , using the magnetic letters that stick to the fridge . They learn so fast ! - - Both boys , first thing in the morning , running towards the big ottoman in the living room where we change diapers : " first ! first ! " and then pushing and shoving each other away , trying to be the first to get their diapers changed . If Nick wins , Ben throws a big fit and then Nick usually tries to escape before I can change his diaper anyway , after all that fuss . We are working on this behavior but it is really hard to work on things when they both act up at the same time . - - Nick , pulling Ben 's pants and diaper out and peeking into them : " poopy ? " and then he looks at me and smiles / laughs . He is such a little mimic these days and quite the entertainer . He doesn 't like it when Ben cries and will frequently do something to try to cheer him up . - - Both boys , sitting in their booster seats at the kitchen island yesterday at snack time , each patting his own chest : " me ? me ? " ( they are trying to understand pronouns ) I am starting to hear more and more two word phrases . This is one of the most exciting things ever ! Am I crazy ? I find this so exciting and entertaining . I am always explaining to them different things and showing them things , everywhere we go and I always tell them to say such - and - such . It seems that they just have to say something once and they have it down . Kids are just such amazing learners . And it really gets me when they say something that I have not told them to say before but they just picked it up from listening to me talk , such as " windy " . What amazing memories and attention to detail ! I am in awe . Yes , I have started my Christmas shopping ! I have hopes of being finished very early this year . Fortunately for me , the boys are so young this year , I can shop with them and even get things for them and they don 't understand or remember . The things I bought for them yesterday went into the trunk of the car and they forgot all about them . The dad already picked up the huge Tonka dump trucks for them , one for each child . They love trucks , especially big trucks , so I think those will be a big hit . Yesterday we went to Toys - R - Us , as I had planned to get each of the boys two dress up outfits . I had planned to get them the police officer , fire fighter and two other ones but now I can 't remember which ones . I think one might have been the train engineer but I can 't remember the other one . Of course , it didn 't really matter because they didn 't even have most of them anyway . They had the police officer , so I went ahead and got that one . They also had the train engineer but I couldn 't remember if that was one of the ones I wanted or not and , since I will have to look on - line anyway , I decided to wait and see what they have available . I got two stick horses : ) . I had a stick horse when I was a kid and I loved it . I am going to try to find a couple of cowboy hats for kids but I want the inexpensive , play kind rather than the expensive real ones . Toys - R - Us and Walmart did not carry them . I got two packs of Match Box cars that have very interesting vehicles , such as a dump truck , those roller things that are used to lay down new asphalt , a fork lift , a bulldozer and a bunch of others . I also got some finger paints but I will need to get a good plastic table cloth or something to put down on the floor for this . I still need to get a couple of pads of paper for finger painting . I am going to get a couple of new children 's music CD 's from the Christian bookstore . They love music and I am getting tired of the ones we have . We especially need some new music for them for the car , as I am very tired of the Old McDonald , Wheels on the Bus , Skip to My Lou and other songs that are on the one CD that we end up listening to over and over in the car . I have a few other things on my list but they are mostly smaller gifts . The big gifts for the boys this year are the dump trucks and dress up clothes . The dress up clothes are really for 3 years old and up but I have been getting a few toys for this age group , since their birthdays and Christmas all fall close together . I want to have some things that they are not going to grow out of too early in the year . I had battery operated toothbrushes on my list but decided to go ahead and use them , rather than making them Christmas presents . We have a hard time with Nick , when it comes to brushing teeth . He makes such a big deal of not wanting to do it . It 's strange because he acts like he wants to , when we are on our way up the stairs . Anyway , I thought the new toothbrushes might help and I think they do . It definitely makes it easier for us and they find them interesting . To date , we have only been brushing their teeth at night but I bought two sets of toothbrushes so I could keep one set downstairs so we can start brushing their teeth after breakfast too . Our sons have still not figured out the time change thing . They are still waking up about 30 minutes to an hour early and then they are taking a longer nap these days . At least they seem to be getting the sleep they need though . I forgot to mention that we were not able to go to church this weekend . The boys and I all ended up running fevers for about 3 days . I think we are all over it now but Sunday was my worse day and I think yesterday or Sunday was Nick 's worse day . Ben got it first so he 's a day or so ahead of Nick and me . I believe Ben probably caught this at MOPS . The good news is that they are not getting sick as often these days . Before they got sick this time , I was thinking it had been quite a while since they had gotten sick from the church nursery . I am hopeful that they will do better at resisting illnesses this winter . Believe it or not , we have been wearing shorts again for the past couple of days . It has been unseasonably warm here lately . The bad news is that we are having issues with our downstairs air conditioner again . Actually , it seems that the issue may be with the breaker box but we are not sure . My husband replaced the breaker last night and it didn 't fix the problem . So , I am thinking that I need to call someone about this today but I 'm really not sure who to call . Fortunately it was a cloudy day here yesterday . Even so , it got up to about 75 degrees in here . Right now it looks like it is going to be another cloudy day today but you never know . I showed the boys how to pretend to have a dinner party or " tea party " , by showing them how to set their little table with the new dishes they received as a birthday present . I got the bears and Jo Jo out and sat them in the seats at the table . The boys were very entertained by this , thought it was funny , and started to pretend they were pouring stuff and helping the bears eat . Sitting on the guests became the fun thing to do . The boys moved from seat to seat , taking turns sitting on each of the bears . The only guest who didn 't get sat on was Jo Jo . He is not as soft so maybe that was just smart of them . Nick , sitting at the island with Ben , eating oatmeal . He spoons up a huge spoonful of oatmeal and says : " biiiiig bite " , just as big as you please . Ben follows suit soon after . So I start asking them to show me a small bite and then a big bite . They do both , repeating " big bite " and " small bite " , as the case may be . Nick , sitting next to me on the little red couch in the library / play room , cutting up the cut - able , wooden veggies : " Mommy ? " " Yes Nick ? " " tomato " " yes , that is a tomato " . Sitting next to Ben , reading a book about Jonah and the whale . Ben points to a picture of Jonah , floating down to the depths of a colorful ocean while holding his nose ( it is a funny picture ) and says " down down down " , which is what the book says on that page . They have such a great memory . At some point in the morning , Nick runs over to the fridge and says " milk , milk " . I say , " please ask nicely " and he says " pleeeease " . I say " can you say milk please ? " He says " milk " " pleeeease " . We were sitting on the couch , reading ( singing ) the Wheels on the Bus book . Ben was laughing and trying to sing it with me . It was so cute . He would sing the beep , beep , beep and swish , swish swish , etc . parts with me and then would sing " all day long " with me too . Nick would sing " all day " . I was cracking up . They are definitely putting more and more words together every day . They are still leaving a slight pause between words at times . This is so much fun ! I love watching them and helping them learn to talk ! The boys actually posed for me one day . . . or as close as they will ever get to posing , anyway : ) . Here are the results . I tried to get a close - up of Ben 's cheek , where we had the mole removed , but it didn 't turn out too good . Our camera does not do close ups too well . The babysitter ( Katy ) was here promptly at 2 : 00pm and , of course , the boys were still asleep at that time . It worked out well though because I was able to show her around the house and show her where we keep everything , what she could fix for dinner , etc . I also had a chance to talk with her about her perception of home schooling , since she has always been home schooled ( she is at the ninth grade level ) . The boys woke up and they had a chance to play with her for quite a while before we left around 4 : 00pm for a 4 : 25 movie . When the boys saw me putting on my shoes and starting asking " bye bye ? " , I explained to them that mommy and daddy were going bye bye for a little while and they were going to stay and play with Katy . We started getting a bit of whining and Nick wanted daddy to hold him and was being clingy . And then , I had the brilliant idea to let them play in the water at the kitchen sink . We helped get them set up and gave them some fun things to play with in the water , we said our goodbyes and gave kisses and we were out the door without the shedding of one little tear : ) . Isn 't that wonderful ? ? I 'm sure there will be other times when there are tears but it was nice that our first time out went so smoothly . Katy said the only time either of them cried while we were gone was when Ben cried because Nick took a toy away from him . Other than that , they had a fun time and were happy little guys the whole time we were gone . We did not dally after the movie , but came straight home . It was around 5 : 30 when we got back and then I took Katy home . She is so sweet ; we are very blessed to have found her . We are planning to schedule a date evening out about once every two weeks or so . That will be a nice thing to look forward to . Ben still has a fever but it is a little lower and , as long as he has his medicine , he plays and seems just fine . I called the babysitter and told her mom about Ben 's illness but they are not concerned about it . So we are still planning to go to a movie . I am excited ! I put the boys down for an early nap , since the babysitter ( Katy ) will be here at 2 : 00pm . I can put them down for their nap but , unfortunately , I can 't make them go to sleep until they are ready : ) . I went up to see what they were up to , since I could hear them playing , and they were playing with their pants . They had taken them off ( hence the duct tape on the diapers ; otherwise they would have been off too ) and were trying to get them back on so I confiscated them , much to their dismay . I was trying to take away the fun stuff so they would be bored and go to sleep . Luckily they kept their shirts on today , although I have seen Nick take that off too in the past . I think they finally went to sleep about 30 or 45 minutes after I put them down , which means they will definitely still be sleeping when Katy gets here . Some dear friends stopped by today to bring the boys a birthday present . It is a set of play dishes and pots and pans . They have had so much fun with them . Ben is so funny . He tends to have favorite toys and books and I think he feels they are his , although he doesn 't know the word " mine " yet . He is now attached to a spatula that came with the toy dishes . He was carrying it around with him all over the house , from the time he found it amongst the dishes until it was time for nap . He was very sad that he had to leave it downstairs when he went up for nap . He was also upset when he had to lay it down on the floor while he ate lunch and he quickly got it again as soon as he finished lunch . He was the same way about the little wooden knife that came with the cut - able fruits and veggies , which is one reason why the dad made a new , second knife ( also just so they could both play / cut veggies at the same time ) . Ben would freak out anytime Nick picked up the knife , even if he had not been playing with it . It 's funny because Nick does not do this at all , except with his Ya Ya and Ben can even play with that at times without it bothering Nick ( if Nick is not tired ) . I mentioned in an earlier post that they are so much more aware of what 's going on these days . I was having my hair highlights done on Thursday evening so the dad was home , fixing dinner for the boys . He said he was looking for the salt , which used to always be on the table but is now either on a shelf or near the stove , due to two little boys who can climb up on the chairs at the table now . Anyway , the dad didn 't know that I was leaving the salt near the stove top sometimes and he was looking for it and thinking out loud " where 's the salt " . He said that Ben starting pointing to it and saying " there it is " . Both boys say this phrase because of the peak - a - boo game ( peak - a - boo , where 's Ben / Nick , there he is ) and also just from watching us hunt for something and then saying " there it is " . Dad was very surprised that Ben knew where it was , what it was and could tell him ! I know I say this over and over but it is really just absolutely amazing to me how fast they learn . Well , Ben woke up from his nap yesterday with a fever of 102 degrees . Poor little guy just wanted mommy to hold him and nothing else would do , even when daddy got home . Kids are amazing though and , after his Advil kicked in , he was playing and acting as if everything was perfectly normal . The boys are not up yet so I 'm not sure what today will bring . We decided to wait and see how he is feeling today before canceling the babysitter . I am hopeful that we will still get to go because , otherwise , it is going to be a very long weekend , with the dad on call at the hospital . What that means is that he has to go to the hospital and do rounds every morning for two weeks . It usually takes about half the day , or until around noon , if all goes well . If it is a weekday , he goes on to his office after that and may see patients or work on his research . If it is the weekend , he gets to come home . Some days he is also on call in the evenings , which means he normally gets a call every time they admit a new patient . Yesterday evening , he was in the middle of one of these calls while I was trying to get dinner on the table and Ben was very upset that I had to put him down for a few minutes . The dad tried to hold him but he quickly decided that only mom would do , probably because dad 's attention was focused elsewhere . So I gave up on getting dinner ready and just sat and rocked Ben and the dad picked up where I left off when he got off the phone . I was happy to see that , by the time dinner was served , the medicine had kicked in and Ben was a happy little guy again and ready to join us for dinner . In other news , we had a very fun play date yesterday with the mom and kids with whom we go to MOPS . We went to a wonderful park and then played at their house for a while , then lunch and home for a nap . Everyone got along very well so it was a very successful first play date at someone elses ' house . The boys are talking so much now and I wanted to jot a few things down so I don 't forget them . One of the cute things that I am seeing a lot now is that one of the boys will get on one of the ride - on toys and say to the other " brother , push " . It is so cute . The other one will pretty much always run over to push , which actually sounds more like " pish " . I always smile when I see / hear this . It is just too cute . . . . priceless . Another popular thing to say these days is " big truck " . Every time we are driving somewhere , they always notice the " big truck " and sometimes " another " one and they point them out to me ( " mommy ? " , " yes Nick / Ben " , " big truck " , " yes , that is a big truck , isn 't it ? " ) . I love that they are always saying " mommy ? " to get me to see something or help with something or whatever . Another favorite word is " help " . They will come to me , saying " help , help " and showing me what they need help with . They are also learning many names of veggies , since we have the cut - able veggies now . They know " up " and " down " , will request to be picked up or put down , and will point in the right direction when asked . Another frequent invitation is " sit , sit " and then " read " . They are learning a lot more verbs these days . They know walk , run and jump also and love to do all three but running and jumping are the best . They love trying to use the " handrail " and will try to say that word , although they usually end up just saying " rail " . They love their music and as soon as we get in the car they are saying " music , music " . Between songs , they say " music , music " and , more and more , I hear them singing some of the words . It is so cute to hear them sing . Ben knows letters A through F very well and picks up letters very quickly . With Nick it 's hard to tell what he knows sometimes because he starts playing / joking around . He is quite the kidder . When they are in their cribs , just before or after napping , I will frequently hear Ben laughing at whatever Nick might be doing . I need to sneak a camera in there sometime and tape it . They have this thing they say when they want to trade something ( toy or book ) or even to trade places . It sounds like a variation on their pronunciation of " another " . One of them will start saying this and will repeat it over and over until the other one either joins in saying it , which means there is agreement on the trade , or starts whining this variation on " another " , which means I don 't want to give up what I have . The whining of this ' word ' can become somewhat annoying and the one wanting to trade does not generally take it as a true no but will continue to try to force the trade . 99 % of the time it is Ben wanting to trade and Nick not wanting to , when the disagreement on the trade occurs . So I have been trying to teach Nick to " just say no " if he doesn 't want to trade . He will say it but I keep having to remind him . Hopefully it will catch on soon and he will do it on his own . I frequently have to tell Ben , " Nick does not want to trade with you right now " , which he never wants to hear . The whole transaction is normally very amusing to watch though , except for the whining part when they don 't agree . Today we were at Walmart , shopping for groceries , and I decided , for the first time , to let them ride the little pony in the arcade area . They had never seen anyone else ride it so they had no idea what it was all about . Nick went first , since he is usually the one ready to try new things first . Ben was happy to watch him from the cart and they both had a smile on their faces . I warned Nick when the horse was about to quit moving and that it would be Ben 's turn to ride . . . several times . He was still not very happy when his turn was over . I let them each ride the pony once and then they both rode the Dumbo the Elephant together once and then it was time to leave , which I also gave fair warning about . Ben was fine with this . Nick threw a fit because he did not want to leave . To be fair though , I think he was hungry and tired . He had not eaten very much of his snack before we left home and I think it was getting to him . After we got home and had eaten lunch , he was like a new kid . It 's amazing what a little food can do . We also had to go to Petco to buy some cat food . They love going into this store because we always take time to walk around and look at all of the animals , fish and birds . Today they had some rabbits , a kitten , and some turtles too . We had a nice morning of running errands . They really are such fun to be around and watch and interact with these days . I just love them to death . Today for lunch I served them some brown beans for the first time , along with some mac and cheese and green beans . They really liked the brown beans a lot , which is great because it can be a wonderful , healthy substitute for meat sometimes . I will definitely be serving them more often . We have switched out our travel snacks too . We used to always put the goldfish crackers in their snack cups , when they needed to have a snack on the go . Now we are using my husband 's Kashi cereal and the boys really like it . They also love raisins now and will actually chew them up , rather than just swallowing them whole , as they did the first time they had them . I am always on the look out for healthy foods that they will enjoy . The bummer is that it gets harder and harder for me to sneak my peanut M & M 's and potato chips as they get older : ) . Now I have to wait to have my chips until they are sleeping or let them have a few , which I do at times also . I still have yet to really find any foods that they don 't like . They continue to amaze me with what they will eat and , so far , they will try anything . I know this can 't last but I 'm loving it for now . Our duct tape solution for keeping diapers on is working beautifully . We have not had another diaper removal incident since we started this practice . It seems they cannot take off jeans but I still duct tape their diapers at nap time , just in case . It is getting colder here now so they are sleeping in their footie , blanket PJ 's now ( little kids look so cute in these jammies ) . The first thing they tried to do when we put them on was to unzip them , which is pretty easy . So now we put a small piece of duct tape over the zipper and it is pretty hard to get off . They have yet to get it off so we don 't duct tape their diapers at night anymore , just the zipper on the jammies . I highly recommend this solution : ) . OK , I finally did it ! I have scheduled a babysitter for Saturday afternoon / evening . This will be the very first time we have left the boys with a babysitter . She is very sweet and she is one of their teachers in their class at church , as is her mom , who also homeschools her and her siblings . Her mom said that she ( the babysitter ) was so glad we called because she had been wanting to come and play with the boys for a while . They live fairly close to us so her mom is going to drop her off and then I will take her home afterwards . Believe it or not , when I asked her how much she charged for babysitting , she said whatever we wanted to pay her is fine and that she just really loves kids and was looking forward to playing with the boys . Isn 't that sweet ? I had to tell her that we are novices at this sort of thing and have no idea what the going rate is , so she said $ 7 or $ 8 an hour is usually what she receives . She is going to come over at 2 : 00pm and we are planning to go to a 5 : 00 pm - ish movie . Unfortunately , I forgot that the boys are now normally napping from 1 : 00 to 3 : 00 . I may just put them down a little earlier that day . I asked her to come early so she would have time to play with the boys a while before we leave . I know they will probably still cry when we leave but I really think they will have a fun time with her and I am feeling really good about this . Also , the MOPS place where I have been going is having a " kids night out " at the end of November , so that parents can have a shopping or date night . They have lots of fun things planned for the kids and it 's $ 5 per child . My friend and I signed up and she and her husband and my husband and I are all going to go out to dinner together that night . So we will have two date nights in November : ) . That 's not bad for a start . My husband starts his hospital - on - call rotation today , which means that he will be working every day for the next two weeks , including weekends . Last night he didn 't get home until after the boys went to bed , which hardly ever happens at our house , thankfully . I think that 's only the second time that 's happened since the boys came home last January . If all goes well , I am planning to get them ready and take them to church by myself on Sunday . I have not done this before because I can 't use the stroller and I have been concerned that they might just decide they don 't want to go and sit down and throw a fit , or something like that . If they both start doing something , like wanting to be carried and falling apart that I can 't carry them both at the same time , I will be in trouble . I am trusting that God wants us in church and that He will work it out . Lots of prayers : ) . Before we moved to Oklahoma though , I worked and had a career . My degree is in Computer Science , from Syracuse University , which is how I ended up spending many years living in the northeastern U . S . , before finally moving to Texas . I graduated from S . U . in 1987 and worked in the computer industry until December of 2005 , which is when I quit my last job working for a financial firm in Houston . When I quit my last job , I was managing around 30 or so people . Our group had the responsibility of developing and hosting web sites for our company . Our company had branches all over the world so the web sites were expected to be up and running 24 x 7 and it was very very visible if a web site went down for some reason . I enjoyed my job . It was fun most of the time , very challenging and also stressful at times . Anyway , I had a friend who was also a manager of a group at the time . I have not stayed in touch with her but she was a mom to some young children at that time and she knew we were planning to adopt two children . She was quite surprised that I did not want to continue my career but would rather be a stay at home mom . She could have been a stay at home mom if she had so chosen but she loved her job and wanted to pursue her career . She thought I would be bored and would miss the work environment . She also thought my husband would be bored with me . That really surprised me , quite frankly . She said I would not have anything to talk to him about , except the kids . For some reason , I woke up thinking about this this morning . I had not thought about this in ages so I 'm not sure what made me think about it this morning . The thought I had though was that what my husband and I discuss now is really not that much different than what we used to discuss when I had that job . To me , being a manager was more of a people challenge than it was a computer science or technical challenge . The people who worked for me were really smart people and they were more up to date on the latest and greatest web stuff than I was . I relied on them for their expertise in their various areas of knowledge . The fact that I had done development work before and had been a project manager of many projects over the years was important in my role as a technical manager . It helped me ( hopefully ) to make wise decisions , when I had to make a call , based on what my managers were telling me . But the biggest challenge of my job as a manager was people relations , including maintaining a good relationship with those who worked for me , helping to resolve issues between team members when people did not see eye to eye , listening to concerns and helping to resolve them when possible , listening to career objectives and providing advice when asked , etc . I woke up this morning thinking about this and my thought was that the conversations with my husband are not all that different than they would have been if I was still in my last job . I still talk to him about lots of people management stuff : ) . Now it is about how Ben and Nick are getting along , how I am getting along with them , what I am learning as a mom and child of God , what the boys are learning , etc . I find it all very interesting and am normally reading something about either child rearing or home schooling . ( Actually , right now I have taken time off reading about children to read War and Peace by Tolstoy and I am really enjoying it : ) . My husband seems very interested in what I am doing and reading and we talk about it and the boys a lot . I think he is just as interested in hearing about the boys as I am in talking about them . More importantly , I know he feels it is important for me to be here with them and he is thankful that I am committed to it . He is also very happy that I am committed to home schooling them . My husband and I are partners . He is just as much concerned and interested in our boys ' well being as I am and I am thankful for that . He is currently reading Raising a Modern - Day Knight by Robert Lewis , which is an excellent book about what it means to be a man and how can fathers instill that in their sons . ( I picked it up yesterday and read a little bit of it , just to see what it was about . It is so good that I am still reading it ! ) I am very thankful that he is as interested as I am in our boys ' lives . I don 't think either of us will ever be bored with what we are doing . I , for one , do not miss the corporate world at all . I never have , even during the year before the boys came home . After working in the corporate world for so many years , being out of it makes me feel like a kid who just graduated from high school or college . It is a very freeing feeling . For the longest time , I felt like a kid skipping school ; like I should be somewhere I 'm not . I have been out of it now for almost two years and still feel this freeing feeling very strongly . Just the thought that I can decide what I want to do today is such a wonderful feeling . It still amazes me : ) . Another thing is that I am no longer in a rush all the time . When I had a job outside of the home , I was always in a hurry , probably because I didn 't have much free time . So I am very very thankful that we are able to allow me to stay home and raise our boys full time . I know there are many out there who would love to be able to do this and cannot and there are others who love having a career . For me , there was never a question . I feel called by God to do this , just as I feel called to home school . I am honored to be allowed to do this , I am thankful to have a husband who shares my dreams and goals in life and I am , truly , living my dream ( as previously mentioned in an earlier post ) , thanks be to God : ) . As mentioned in an earlier post , we met at my sister 's house on Saturday for an early celebration on Nick 's birthday . Last year , we had just left Russia after having met our sons for the first time , just before Nick 's birthday . I could never have imagined what my life would be like a year later . It really just gets better every day . Here is a picture of the boys , sweeping the floor with their new brooms . My mom got them both a broom for Nick 's birthday . Unfortunately , I usually end up having to take them away from them after a short period of time because they want to use them for purposes for which they were not intended . I 'm sure you can imagine . This is a picture of a puzzle that also provides practice of buttoning , zipping , lacing , snapping and also buckling . This was actually suppose to be for three year olds and up . Since both of their birthdays fall so close to Christmas , I have tried to get them some things that they won 't outgrow too soon : ) . Next is a picture of the cut - able fruit and veggies , which are from Melissa and Doug , as is the teddy bear puzzle . Ben especially loves loves loves this toy and gets very upset if Nick picks up the knife , even if he was not playing with it to begin with . The dad made a new " knife " out of a paint stirring stick ( also pictured below ) and they are very happy with this solution . Nick also received an airport set , which included a really neat little airplane that makes a noise ( a quiet noise , thankfully ) , a helicopter , the airport tower , a little motorcycle with a side car and several little people . It is very cute and they have already figured out how to take part of the airplane apart : ) . Unfortunately , I didn 't get around to taking a picture of it , but at least I have described it , for the record : ) . When we first left the house , they didn 't know what their pumpkin baskets were for and Ben even started to leave without his . After the first house , you couldn 't pry those pumpkin baskets out of their little sticky fingers ( except , of course , when they got tired of carrying them and wanted us to do it : ) . I think we went to about 5 different houses . It turns out that our neighborhood is not ideal for trick - or - treating . The houses are further apart and then many of them did not have their lights on , which made the walk between houses that much further for short little legs . We also have some good size hills in our neighborhood . I was a bit disappointed at how many homes didn 't have their lights on though . But the boys still had a fun time and they were ready to stop after about the fifth house , which worked out well for us . Here is a picture of his " boo boo " . It still has the tape on it from the day of the surgery . They said it will eventually come off by itself , over time . It is starting to curl around the edges so I would imagine in a week or so it will be gone . The dark line underneath the tape is mostly dried blood , since there are no stitches on the surface of his face . Here is a picture of " bear " , also sometimes known as " Ya Ya " . They put a name band on him also , so he could go with Ben into surgery and be with him when he woke up . I think little Bear was a comfort to him , while we were at the hospital . The first Ya Ya , purchased at a grocery store in Volgograd Russia , has mysteriously disappeared and I suspect Mr . Ben might have put it in the trash . He has this habit of " hiding " things and likes to stuff all kinds of toys and books down in the edges of chairs , sofas and baskets . The second Ya Ya , which is now the " real " Ya Ya , was originally purchased at the local Tuesday Morning for Ben , since Nick had taken ownership of Ya Ya # 1 . By the time Ya Ya # 1 disappeared , # 1 and # 2 were interchangeable between Nick and Ben . Just before # 2 disappeared ( temporarily , but around the same time that # 1 disappeared ) , I purchased Ya Ya # 3 , which is also known as " Bear " and is pictured above . # 2 is now Nick 's and he has not accepted # 3 as a true " Ya Ya " , but only calls him " Bear " . Ben accepts any " Ya Ya " or " Bear " and uses both names for # 3 . Fortunately , # 2 was found soon after # 3 came home . Not long after # 3 was bought and # 1 had disappeared , we had just put the boys down for the night . We had searched for # 2 before we went up to bed but could not find him . We went up anyway and thought # 3 would be fine . Ben normally just throws his anyway and does not really sleep with it . Nick , on the other hand , really likes to sleep with his and gets upset if it is gone , as we were soon to find out . Ben and Nick were playing with Ya Ya # 3 , throwing it back and forth between their cribs , and as we were getting ready to leave the room Nick had it with him in his crib . When he saw we were leaving the room , he started crying , saying " Ya Ya " . We pointed at # 3 , which he was holding , and told him " you have Ya Ya " , " that 's Ya Ya " . He promptly chucked # 3 towards the door , yelling " Ya Ya " . This is the night that it became clear that Nick did not recognize # 3 as a true Ya Ya . The only thing I have ever heard Nick call # 3 is " Bear " , although Ben calls him by both names . The only one at our house who recognizes the recent time change is my husband . The boys are I are all still on our old schedule . I am moving towards the new schedule faster than the boys though and that 's not a good thing . So today , I got up earlier and got moving , since I know the boys will be awake much earlier than their normal 8 : 00 . I have a lot of catching up to do on posting . I have yet to post about our trick - or - treating adventures , since I was busy posting about Ben 's surgery . ( He is doing great , by the way . Most of the time he is not aware of the " boo boo " on his face and he hardly ever touches it . ) I also have to post about Nick 's little birthday party that we had on Saturday at my sister 's house . I woke up this morning , thinking about a conversation I had with another manager at work , before I quit my job , regarding stay at home mom 's VS career mom 's . I need to jot down some of these thoughts too , because it was a new perspective ( to me ) and kind of interesting . It 's funny that I would wake up thinking about this , since I quit my job such a long time ago now ( two years in December ) . I was going to post a couple of pictures today but blogger is not allowing it right now so I will do it later . We have not taken any pictures of Ben 's face after the surgery . We need to do that sometime today , for the record : ) . It is actually very hard to tell how big the actual cut was right now . The tape should come off on it 's own , sometime over the next week or so . The only stitches are inside and they will dissolve on their own . We have to take him back for a check up on Wednesday . He has been doing great today ; no signs of pain or anything . His surgeon called today to see how he was doing , which I thought was very nice . He also said if we have any concerns over the weekend to call him . Today has been amazing , considering how yesterday went . I decided this morning to let all housework go today and focus 100 % on the boys . They have played on me and we have read books and more books . It has been a very mellow day and they really have been very good . It 's like night and day , compared to yesterday . Of course yesterday I was also tired and stressed so I 'm sure that didn 't help matters . We are going to celebrate Nick 's birthday with my sister 's family tomorrow , since they will be away on the actual weekend of his birthday . We just decided this a couple of hours ago . So , after the boys finished eating lunch , we went out to order the cake . I was expecting a difficult time , since it was really time for their nap . But we made three stops , including looking at toys at Walmart and Toys R Us , and they both behaved really well . It was a fast - paced shopping trip so that helped . I can 't believe it is already so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas . I am very excited for the holidays this year . It will be fun to share with the boys . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
He had been told that he was not worthy to be chosen . The Sergeant wept . Why had he been forsaken ? Why had this gift not been bestowed upon him as well ? He reached out slowly with one arm and attempted to pull himself up , but his legs could not move . He refused to die there , in the rain and the darkness and the trees . If He would not accept him , then he would find a way to hurt Him . There had to be some way to end Him . After all , everything has a weakness . Again , so sorry for interruptions yesterday . There was some business matters that just could NOT be avoided . Let 's get started shall we ? This is gonna be another long one . . . Our brave little toaster soldiers had done away with good ol ' doctor Abendroth , and had discovered a strange bone seemingly connected to his recent experiments . Along with this was what appeared to be the doc 's journal , which told of his meetings with a creature in the forest . The doctor had been driven mad and in the end he wanted the creature to destroy the world for him . While the Sergeant was still reading out of the Doc 's journal one of the men was still patrolling the lab , making sure to keep an eye out for anything strange . Strange things do tend to crop up on missions like these , don 't they ? Sadly , recon - guy never saw what hit him . Oh , but he definitely heard what hit him . A mad creature in an SS uniform , screaming like an ape jumped out behind the soldier , throwing his arms around the him and plunging his knife into the guy 's neck . He broke the neck and continued hacking at it until he 'd detached the head . Would 've sat down to a nice little meal if not for the fact that his screaming had of course called the other soldiers over there . Bullet thru the brain , down goes mad nazi ( see , I can spell it right when I want to , get off my back ) . There were only four men left now , and Sicarius decided they needed to leave before anything else happened . In all the years that he had been dealing with the supernatural , this was something quite different from anything he 'd seen before . This place they were in was just . . . wrong , it should not exist , there seemed to be no natural laws here , only chaos . " My , but gentlemen , you 'll never find the way out of here like that . I won 't let you go without me . " Sicarius jumped and turned to see where this voice had come from . It was one of the other Nat - zee dudes . Where he had come in from , it was hard to say as there was only blank stone walls in the direction he was coming from . His uniform was in tatters , though he appeared to be wearing some other kind of uniform in the places where his was especially damaged . There was a bandage around his head , covering his left eye . His right leg was missing and in its place was some form of artificial limb , the likes of which the soldiers had never seen before , it was shiny metal and it moved just as a normal leg would move . Strapped on his back was a rusted old sword , the end of which had broken off , and in his hand he held what looked to be a rifle , but it was no type of rifle that any of them had seen before . He spoke again : Sicarius asked the nazi what had happened to him . The nazi said they needed to hurry , He would be getting close now since the old man had finished his experiment . Sicarius figured the nazi might at least be less dangerous than whatever creature it was that lived in this place . They followed , and the nazi talked . " We came down here six days ago with orders to kill Dr . Abendroth . Himmler got wind of what the old man was trying to do and wanted it stopped . We found him , tried to take him out , but he said it wasn 't Time yet . He did something and the maze shifted , we got separated . I found Erich , dead , something had ripped him open , removed all of his organs . Then I found Friedrich . He looked so old , he started screaming at me , said I was devil come back from the dead , said he 'd seen the creature kill me months ago . I only barely escaped before he shot me . I don 't know about the others . But that creature , that thing that wears the form of a man , that I 've seen . What the doctor tried to control . He was a fool . The beast , it is chaos and death incarnate . " They had been climbing a steep stairway for must 've been about twenty minutes . All the Time they could hear noises all around them . First it was the screaming , then there was that strange tekeli li , tekeli lie coming from somewhere they could not place . Then they heard the children . The voices children , yelling at them from out of the darkness as they neared the top of the stairs . When they did reach the top the yelling became angry , the children told them they could not leave , they said that He wanted them here , to play with them . The soldiers continued on , following the nat - zee boy to a large door ahead of them . The children said they would not be leaving , that they would die . Sicarius , out of the corner of his eye , saw things moving in the shadows . Lots of things . Lots of small things . Small and human - shaped things . He yelled at the nazi soldier , the children were there . He shouldn 't have done that . The children were playing , they didn 't like it when people found them hiding . The nazi turned swiftly , knowing that it was already too late , and fired into the shadows . Bright bursts of light shot from the barrel of his gun , he yelled at Sicarius and his men to just shoot them , hurry up and shoot them and they might still be able to escape . They did so , but to no avail . One of Sicarius ' men disappeared , just disappeared into nowhere . Then one of the men was shot in the chest . They turned and saw another natzee running thru , trying to reach the door and gunning down anything in his way . The first natzee recognized him as Friedrich and tried to catch his attention . Amid all the confusion , Sicarius could hear the rustle of leaves . Leaves . He thought it odd that he should hear leaves in such a place at such a Time as this . Then he heard the nazi scream . He turned to see Him . The creature . Chaos . Death . Wearing a twisted mockery of the human form , the beast stood nearly twelve feet tall , its arm long and twisted , like the branches of a tree . It wore a suit , a dark suit , so very dark it appeared to take all light from the area . And a tie , red as blood , around its neck . What Sicarius noticed most though was that the creature had no face ; where a human 's features should be it was just blank , empty . Maybe that 's why he didn 't immediately see the tentacles coming from the creature 's back , grabbing the natzee that had been leadin them out . At least , not until the creature started ripping the natzee apart with those tentacles . That was what snapped Sicarius out of his daze . The children were gone , at least he thought they were since he couldn 't see them around any more . That Friedrich fellow was gone now too , but the Sergeant was still there , and very bewildered looking , he appeared to not really know what was going on . But then , Sicarius didn 't either , he just knew they had to get out . He yelled to his last remaining comrade and motioned for the door . The Sergeant also snapped back to reality and the two of them rushed for the big door . Sicarius did not dare look back to see if the creature was following them . Somehow they could still hear the screams of the natzee , though surely he must 've been dead already ? They kept running , past the rows and rows of pews , the stain - glassed windows , things which surely were not supposed to be in this very ancient church which appeared on no map . They reached the big door and struggled to get it open . The door was very large and very heavy , but soon enough they were able to pull it open just enough that they could get through . The Sergeant sneaked a glance behind them and gave a yell . The creature was standing only a few feet from them , appearing to have never moved at all , the body - parts of the now certainly very - dead natzee held in its tentacles . The creature was looking at them , he could just tell that it was , even without a face . Sicarius would not allow the creature to ensnare him though ; he grabbed the Sergeant and pulled him away from the old church . The creature remained on the other side of the doors , still just standing there , still just staring . The two soldiers took off through the forest . Sicarius and the Sergeant evenutally had to stop for a rest , though . They had 't seen the creature anywhere after they got outside , so they thought it might be safe to stop , at least long enough for them to figure out how to get out of there without running into any Nat - zees . The Sergeant took out his compass , but found that it kept pointing in different directions , at one point the needle even appeared to be attempting ot point straight down . It seemed they would have to have to just start walking and pray for the best . So they started off , keeing an eye out for the creature , for Him , or any other unnatural beings that might be hiding in the forest . It seemed to Sicarius that they had been walking for a very long Time . The Black Forest is very large of course , but somehow he just didn 't feel right about it . He didn 't feel as though they were getting anywhere . He made note of a tree with a very unusual shape . Several minutes later , he thought they passed it again ; he couldn 't be sure so took out his knife and carved a cross into it . Some minutes later they passed the tree with the crossThere was a gunshot . Sicarius turned to see the Sergeant , his gun raised , the creature several yards off unharmed by the bullet the Sergeant had just attempted to put thru His brain . Assuming it had a brain in its head , of course . The Sergeant fired again , again the creature was unaffected and now the Sergeant was out of bullets . The creature was ignoring the Sergeant though , He passed right by the Sergeant , looking at Sicarius the whole Time . Sicarius was unsure what to do , the guns wouldn 't work and he wasn 't sure he had any magick that could affect this thing . He had simply never encountered something like this before . The Sergeant saw that the creature had ignored him , passed right on by without even taking a second to kill him on the way . How DARE this fucking bastard ! He 'd killed the damn Natzee , and wasn 't he worth more than a stupid fucking Natzee ? The Sergeant had dropped his knife somewhere during the confusion so he found a good - sized tree branch that had fallen and snapped off the end to make it sharp . He ran at the creature , planning to impale the bastard on the limb ; somehow he felt certain that this would kill . He just KNEW that it would . It didn 't . The branch went through the creature alright , but He didn 't even seem to notice it . The Sergeant grew more enraged , pulled the branch out of the creature and started beating the thing with it . The creature took notice now , but only as a man would acknowledge the fly buzzing around him . The creature unleashed His tentacles on the Sergeant , who dropped the branch and broke into a hysterical laughter . The tentacles grabbed him and merely tossed him over into a tree . Though to be fair , the throw did succeed in breaking several of the Sergeant 's ribs , puncturing a lung , causing massive internal bleeding , and some right nasty damage to his spine . Somehow the Sergeant was still not amused . It didn 't matter , he couldn 't move now , and it was Sicarius that the creature was interested in . He hadn 't even looked away from Sicarius while disposing of that little irritation , just continued looking at Sicarius . Sicarius still didn 't know what to do ; he couldn 't move , it wouldn 't matter if he did , there was no way to escape this thing . He knew this was true . There was no way that he could fight this thing for it was Death and Chaos and Eternity ; it could never be destroyed . He wondered why this being would possibly bother the affairs of men , for beside Him we are nothing ; we are small , insignificant , weak . Imperfect . Truly this being must be perfect . Sicarius felt humbled . He knew now what he must do , so he bowed before Him . It was only proper that he give proper respct to one so far superior to himself , was it not ? Then he heard the voice in his head . A voice horrible , yet soothing , so very much like a voice in a dream yet it held much authority . " You have chosen wisely , my child . Arise and serve Me , give your life into My service . " Sicarius could not refuse . To do so would be madness . What purpose was there in serving men ? It was only in following Him that one would gain power . For He WAS power , and those who stood against Him would be destroyed . Destroyed forever . But for those who stood with Him , they would gain eternity . He could hear the leaves again . But he knew now . The leaves were good for they were of His world . Sicarius was dead now . In his place was something new , in his place stood a man more complete , a man made more whole . There were others that had been chosen by the Master . It would now be his job to bring this gift to his fellow man , to give these chosen their purpose . He had been like them only moments ago , weak and without purpose . Now he was strong , he was complete . He would help them find the truth . Well , there we go . Damn , so motherfuckin ' long . Story Time with Uncle Ridley is done now chillins , so off to bed wit ' ye . Time for all good little boys and girls to get some sleep . And now that that 's done with , we 'll be getting back to our normal activity . Namely , fucking runners up the ass , scaring small chillin shitless , and tracking down that asshole that shot me in the arm and stole a whole fuckin week from me . Remember , I do this because I love you . I love each and every last one of you . Don 't forget that my chillins . He will rise soon . We await his return . Yeah nothing happened . It was not a black - eyed little brat that I saw , just Salem standing there being all creepy and shit . Damn kid , I don 't why they let him just wander around wherever it likes . Not exactly normal looking , people might notice . Then again , it 's not like I 'm one to obey rules so what the fuck ever . Now , you may be wondering , what does Uncle Ridley have for us tonight ? Well gather round chillins , cause it 's Uncle Ridley Story Time . Yaaayyyy ! ! ! ! Tonight we gon ' go waaaaaaay back , all the way back to good ol ' 1940 . Pearl Harbor has not yet been bombed so Uncle Sammy ain 't yet in the business of killin ' Natzees . Not official - like anyhow . Enter our hero , part of an elite team of American soldiers specially assembled and shipped over to Natzee - land in order to rid it of Natzees . This team is super - duper secret , so secret in fact that they don 't even got no name ; they just move in , kill Natzees and leave before anyone knows anything has happened . Their mission at the Time of our story ? Headin ' deep into the Black Forest to capture a Dr . Balthasar von Abendroth . Dr . von Abendroth was a Natzee Mystical Person involved in all kinds of Natzee evil plots and shit . Shut up , I can 't be expected to remember all the details . Our intrepid hero is a young man acting under the codename Sicarius . Though the youngest member of the team , Sicarius was the most skilled and most dangerous of the warriors here assembled . A force to be reckoned with , certainly . After several weeks they had finally managed to track down the location of Dr . von Abendroth 's hidden compound : an ancient church deep in the forest , which was not shown on any map . The journey would be perilous , while there should not be many soldiers in the forest , it was possible that von Abendroth would have his own personal guard . But besides this , they had far worse things to fear than simply some crazy Natzees . There were many terrifying and otherworldly things living in the forest . Sicarius knew this . That was why he was there . Back in the States Sicarius had spent many years fighting against the abominations that sought to end our precious existence . And that was why it was he that was most dangerous , for it would be he that would have to stop von Abendroth 's twisted experiments with the occult . But they met no opposition on the way to the hidden base , and so their only problem was with finding the church , which was shown on no map . They had only a general location to go by and that would mean covering quite a large area to find it , and so they were split up into several small groups to cover more ground . After some Time , one of the groups discovered the church and the others were called there . The team assembled , but found that one of the groups had not returned , and they could not be reached by radio . They waited , but they needed to get inside and take care of von Abendroth , and so they entered the church . Immediately things began to get strange . The church had appeared to be only a very small building , little more than a shack ; but upon entering the soldiers found themselves in a vast empty chamber , much much too large to fit inside the tiny building they had just entered . One of the soldiers threw up ; he said there was something not right in the air . But they had a mission , and they knew from the start that things would not be easy . They trekked on , going deep into the structure , to where they knew Dr . Balthasar von Abendroth would be waiting . They could just tell in their guts that he would be there , wherever it was they were heading to . Along the way these valiant warriors encountered many horrible things . Ghosts , apparitions , the screams of phantom victims , or perhaps these were not truly phantom but the real screams of those being subjected to von Abendroth 's unholy experimentation . There were grotesque creatures that sneered and laughed at them and tried to grab them for their next meal . But Sicarius had trained his men well and they were able to make it through this twisted circle of hell . Still three of their number were lost : one was killed , the other two vanished into the labyrinth , and all had the feeling that they were being watched constantly . It seemed like hours , but anon they came to a large wooden door set into a carved stone wall , deep deep within the compound . This was what they had been searching for . The carvings on the wall must have come from some distant , impossible antiquity . Had these their origin in man , or from a Time when man walked the earth at all ? Violent scenes of eldritch creatures doing battle with one another were carved into the great , ancient stone wall . The soldiers looked over these scenes and felt unease at one figure that appeared repeatedly and , at the last , appeared the victor of this ancient struggle . Their discomfort sprang from the form of the creature , for it was vaguely that of a man and yet . . . and yet it was not . It held sinister resemblance to a being described to them in the legends of the local villages . They had not come to witness these stone carvings , yet they became transfixed . Sicarius snapped himself out of it , he knew what was going on , he knew that these were there to trap them , that if they looked too long and too intently that they would be driven mad . He roused his men from their trance and reminded them of their duty : to open the door . They had brought explosives , which here in this place might do no good had not Sicarius enchanted them , allowing them to break magickal barriers . These were set up on the door , detonated , the door was gone . Sicarius and his men rushed into the chamber beyond . Greeting them there , was the form of von Abendroth . He appeared for all the world as a kindly old grandfather type , just a frail old man who could be of no harm to anyone . Yet the smile he wore betrayed evil intent . He had been expecting them , as they knew he would be . It was imperative that they got rid of the old man quickly . They started shooting . The sound of gunshots filled the room , smoke filled the air ' til all was dark . They stopped firing and waited for the air to clear . When it did they could see before them Dr . von Abendroth , bloody and full of bullet holes , but still standing , still that ominous grin across what remained of his face . " Fools . He is coming . Der Fuehrer cannot control Him . He is going to destroy all of you . " Von Abendroth laughed , he started spewing out blood before collapsing into a heap on the floor . The men were unnerved at this , but Sicarius had heard the ravings of mad wizards before , and that was all von Abendroth was . They began searching the chamber , they needed to figure out what the old man had been working on so that they could destroy it . They would need to use the proper technique for disposing of whatever this was ; if they used the wrong thing on it , there could be disastrous results . Sicarius heard a shout from one of the men . He rushed over to find the Sergeant pointing at a bone . Just a bone , sitting by itself on a worktable over in the corner , with just a note that read The Angel of Death cometh . On a different table nearby were stacks and stacks of papers with von Abendroth 's handwriting . Some were neatly written , many were scrawled almost illegibly on the page , and there were various odd letters and symbols which even Sicarius did not recognize . The Sergeant began reading aloud from one of the pages , which appeared to be some kind of journal the doctor had been keeping . It told of his encounter with some creature , some creature that sounded very similar to one they had heard of in the legends of the local villages . He had gone mad trying to tame the creature , trying to capture the creature for Der Fuehrer . He had found a way to summon the creature , he had gone mad and he wanted to end it . The doctor wanted HIM to end it all . . . Well , I think that 's enough for tonight chillins . You 'd all best be gettin ' off to bed now . But don 't worry , Uncle Ridley promises to be back with the rest of the story tomorrow . Nighty night baby . So yeah , I kinda went just a little bit batshit insane back there . I do apologize for that , don 't know what could 've come over me . No wait , I do . That Lucifer bastard was trying to use me to lure Archy into something , and it done worked too . We 're still trying to track him down . And no , I don 't remember anything that happened since I read Redlight 's post like a month ago . So once my mind was back up and running on all cylinders , Phantasm decided I needed to do some work ( the horror ! ) and sent me on back to Archy 's old hideout per Eternity 's orders . Me an ' Maalik ( cause he 's still in trouble , hehe . . . ) go on down back there and find the house looking completely normal and with no sign of anything having happened there since I left . Boring as hell , or at least it woulda been if it wasn 't for something making me feel really uneasy . Maalik sensed it too . Going inside , we figured out why . Spatial anomalies up the whazzoo , I don 't even know how to describe the crazy clusterfuck that was the inside of that house . We managed to find our way to the basement somehow , I don 't even know how since we had to go up some stairs to reach it . Anyhow , in that little room where we 'd chained up the serial killer man there was some shit written on the walls . In blood , of course . And there was a body . Or rather , there were body parts . Belonging to crazy serial killer man , we determined upon locating the head . It was a very sloppy job , whoever did this took no pride in their work whatsoever . I was greatly disgusted at it . We turned to leave and found the door had scadooed . Then the writing on the walls had changed and the door relocated itself behind us . It lead into that office building , some kind of conference room to be precise . We stepped out , since we didn 't have nowhere else to go and hell , we weren 't lettin ' that damn room change around on us again . There was a big table in the center of the room , chairs all around it , a couple dead old guys propped up in em , lookin ' like the grandpa in that movie with the crazy ass hicks tryin ' to eat some teenagers . Great film . Out the windows it looked out over a cityscape , completely normal you 'd never guess that the space - time all around you was being raped . Maalik was lookin ' at one of the dead old dudes while I was lookin ' out the window at the streets below . Little cars and people moving down the streets . Then I realized that somehow , they really were little cars and little people , we were on the ground floor and everything outside was just a little doll cityscape . Maalik yelled at me , I turned to see the dead old guys apparently weren 't quite dead ' cause they had gotten to their feet now and one of them had grabbed Maalik and seemed to have a much stronger grip than you 'd expect from a corpse . Naturally , I pulled out my gun and shot into the thing 's head and eventually it released Maalik . the others had mobilized by this time however and as they were in between us , well that was that . I turned and jumped thru the window , just on a gut feeling , the glass shattered and I fell . We weren 't on the ground floor anymore apparently , of course it didn 't look like I was outside the building either . I was falling down some kind of maintenance shaft with wires and piping all over . Then I was not falling anymore , gravity had shifted and I was now standing on one side of the shaft , with lights flickering above my head . I walked on down the shaft , having nothing better to do and out of somewhere , crazy serial killer guy jumped out and was standing right in front of me . I drew my knife , he was already coming at me with his . Stabbed the dude in the neck , shoulda cut the jugular , he didn 't go down , puts his knife thru my hand . Son of a bitch . I kick the foo in the face , knock him back , pull the knife out and plant it firmly into his heart . He 's still going , lunges at me , I fall back to dodge it and then there 's a gunshot ; I turn around to see Maalik behind me down the tunnel . Crazy man got , is now just gone . I look around , I 'm back up in that conference type room , no dead guys around , but there is a lot of blood soaked into the carpet now . I go out the door and into a hallway . I can hear this noise sort of . . . tekelilili . What the balls ? It 's comin ' from the one end , so I follow it and it keeps gettin ' louder and louder til eventually I come to a door , the sound obviously coming from the other side . So I open the door . The noise stops . And I 'm looking at myself . Balls . Yes people , I walked in on myself ducking behind a barrier of office furniture trying to avoid being shot by some asswipe in a trenchcoat . The nerve . Not having been detected yet , I decided it was only proper that I help myself . So I shot trenchcoat man in the balls and went over to greet me . It 's not often I run into anyone so good - looking , especially in a place like this . " Hey man , you too . You know how it goes , business and all that . I remember you , you 're here with Maalik , right ? Crazy shit . " " I don 't think I like the sound of that . You mean , crazy shit now ? AND I 'm going to be coming back here later ? That blows . " " S ' how it goes . But hey , lemme help you out . You just walk on through them doors over there , you 'll get to where you need to be . " " Mighty neighborly of you . Hope to be seeing you again . " Leaving myself to leave through the door I just entered through , I head on through the appointed door . To be greeted by Maalik screaming in rage . I 'm in the basement and he 's hacking the serial killer guy to pieces . The same pieces we saw when we first arrived maybe , but who the hell knows anymore . He looks up at me with this just blank expression on his face , and said Then I swear to Jeeves the sound just cut out . Like when y ' all 're watching them videos with the Master in them and the sound goes out ? It was like that . Then I just see part of Maalik 's skull get blown away and he drops to the ground . In the door behind him is that runner , the dude . Uh , Dave , he was called . Standin ' there at the top of the stairs with a gun , which he fires a second time , down at me now . I try to move , but it still catches me in the shoulder . Ignoring this , I chased after him and am caught off guard by the sudden return of sound when he yells And then I 'm back in the house , looking completely normal and I see him making for the back door , the girl already outside . I give chase , following them through the backyards for a while . Lost the bastards when we made it out of the suburbs and into the city , couldn 't find em in all the damn traffic . Bastards . Well , that was that then . I got my phone , was gonna call Phantasm and tell her I think Maalik was dead but I really had no damn clue , when I notice the date . Says it 's the 19th , when we 'd gone in there it was the 14th . Son of a whore . Just got back in Maine , gave the report to Phantasm . Don 't know what the hell happened to Maalik , wait a couple days I guess , whatever . The runner was real enough so I suppose it coulda been that that was the real Maalik that got shot there . So there you go folks . Exciting isn 't it ? I know you 're all much concerned about me , you love hearing from me don 't you ? I know you do . And uh , Archangel too , cause this is like , his blog so yeah . Phantasm here again . Eternity has arrived . Some higher up in the bureaucracy , I 'm not entirely sure why he 's here . He told us not to worry about Archangel , says he 'll be freed when the time is right . That doesn 't exactly ease my worry , since I 'm aware that the relationship between Coronado and Eternity isn 't exactly a friendly one . And even if that weren 't the case , Eternity seems pretty shifty . And now , this morning we got an anonymous tip that we should do something about those runners Archangel was following earlier . Not too soon after this , we finally get a report in from one of the agents we sent to investigate and verify some of Archangel 's earlier reports . For one thing , they found the site where Knuckles disappeared , no black - eyed kids and no sign of Knuckles , or any of our other people for that matter , but the whole shipment that Knuckles was supposed to bring here was gone too . You don 't need to know what that was . But they had also gone back to Archangel 's old hideout and apparently found those two runners hiding out there . They saw our people and headed into the basement , our guys of course giving pursuit , only to find them gone . There 's no way out of he cellar and it 's one big open room , so there 's nowhere to hide , but they managed to disappear . Also missing was the Jack the Ripper wannabe Archy had placed in stasis and tied up down there . It 's possible the other two freed him , but I had been under the impression they were trying to get away from him . This is all bullshit . Obviously , though this needs to be checked out again . I happen to have a few hard knocks lounging around here that could stand to do some real work , so I think I 'll give them their new assignment . This is Phantasm . So like he told y ' all he 's just been here chilling with us . Well , as much as he actually chills , I guess ; he had Maalik punished for letting those kids find the Ark and now he 's been more or less running the show around here . There 's rumors too that the Tall Man has something special planned out that he wants him to take care of personally once He it gets rolling . I guess Coronado considers that quiet , but for most of us here . . . well , ain 't normally much going on here . So anyway , Thursday night . I was just down in the club having a drink , nothing too much going on , it acutally was a pretty quiet night . Then there 's a loud noise and the building shakes , like there was an explosion . Of course , people start freaking out like the herd of animals they are and scampering around all over the place . In the middle of it all that little bitch that Coronado 's been dragging around with him runs over to me . She 's babbling on about Ridley , that he shot some kind of cannon at the room and then just jumped up through the hole . Hot damn ! We head upstairs and find the door to Coronado 's room closed and some kind of . . . static - y sound coming from the other side . It took me a minute to finally break it open , longer than it should 've with the cheap ass construction we 've got in this place . I fell into the room and there was nothing there . Literally nothing . An empty blackness . That static noise was still there , getting louder , and then I think there was another sound I could only just make out of the static . Something like . . . . sort of like " tekelili " . I lost all track of time and it felt like I 'd been standing there for hours . Then suddenly I was standing there in Coronado 's room . For some reason the clock on the wall was the first thing I noticed . It read 11 : 55 . Then I realized that the room was completely intact , there was no hole in the wall where Ridley had apparently blown it up . Only thing at all out of place was that the book Coronado had been reading was lying open on the floor . I picked it up , didn 't know what else to do . Coronado loves his books and wouldn ' ta just dropped it on the floor , so I figured something must 've actually happened . And then there was Madi . When I remembered that she followed me up there . I think she was caught in that darkness too , whatever the hell that was , and it seems to have had some effect on her , cause she was on the floor passed out . What the hell ? I mean really ? Stuff 's been hectic the last few days , with Coronado gone I 've had to take over here . We did finally find Ridley . Passed out in a gutter on the edge of town . When we woke him up he just started spouting some meaningless random crap . He doesn 't seem to be exactly conscious , it 's like he 's stuck kind of half - asleep and doesn 't know what 's going on around him . We 've got him locked up and are trying to snap him out of it and see if he 'll say something that actually means anything . This brings me to my next point . I actually read through the stuff Coronado and Ridley wrote on here . Coronado , you do love being a dramatic asshole , don 't you ; vaguely alluding to shit when you know what 's happening here . He probably doesn 't want me to tell you all this , but whatever , he isn 't here right now . The force that 's been screwing with him , the angel of light , the incident that got Coronado put into Stasis . It 's all the same thing . His buddy Lucifer 's back . It has to be him . Damned if I know how . Lucifer used to be one of us , worked with Coronado . Apparently volunteered for some project and got altered by the Master , went batshit . Actually bought into his namesake , said he could surpass the Tall Man , obviously failed and got killed . At least I thought so . Who knows anymore . Did succeed in injuring Coronado enough to put him into Stasis , from where he just got released . I see you have us cut off from the rest of time . He wants to face me alone without any interference , I take it . Well , this should at least prove interesting . My good friend Ridley has yet to make an appearance . That is to say , he has not directly made is presence known , but I have felt him nearby , lurking just out of sight . I know not for what purposes he has brought me back to this place , though it is most assuredly that who are whatever force may be manipulating him is doing so for the purpose of luring me here . The plan has been , simply to meet up with Maalik , the local . . . . commander we could say , who had been in charge of Ridley when he was posted there . He had retained a few bits of information from the case , and I had thought we might be able to find some reason for Ridley 's returning here . We met up at the club later after I wrote that entry yesterday , and discussed the little bit of information we had available to us . Now besides myself and Maalik , of course the girl was with me , as well as another Disciple , Phantasm , and her child , Salem . Salem is not exactly human and tends to give normal people a somewhat disturbing feeling . She insists on dragging the kid everywhere , I am sure , because she enjoys seeing how people react to it . She had not been around at the Time of the incident , but she was besides myself one of the only people that Ridley would actually bother to talk to . She was rather a bit unhappy at hearing what had happened to him , but she could not say that it was unexpected . Now we did not manage to find out much . However we have seemed to confirm a theory I had entertained almost from the beginning , that this force that is acting against us is also related to the incident for which I was given to Slumber in the first place . What that is , well for now I feel that best remain quiet . There are certain . . . complications arising from the other beings . The Black - eyed Children do not like to be alone , they always travel in groups . They also generally cannot harm one until after they have been given invitation , and usually do not actually attack others themselves . The boy was by himself and was able to apparently kill Knuckles with his own power . These two things would be bad enough , but with other things that have been happening it assures us that something very much wrong is going on . Just what exactly , well , that is anyone 's guess . As we sat discussing recent events , a boy and girl came into the club who appeared to be on a date . I noticed them come in , but did not think anything much of them until Maalik pointed them out again . He said he recognized them . That boy Ridley killed had been stalking some girl , it somehow had something to do with why he had been trying to join us . The guy had had a brother also . You get one guess who this pair happened to be . Showing up at The Ark most definitely was not a coincidence . So I did a bit of reconnaissance on the situation , and while watching memories is much more difficult without physical contact , I managed to pick up enough information from the girl . It seems Fisk overlooked one little detail when he was cleaning up here . The brother , Roman , was not too happy about the police just suddenly dropping the investigation . The girl , Fiona , wanted to help him out . There was an officer who apparently is not aware of how things roll here , and was aiding the kids in conducting their own little investigation of the situation . They managed to track some of his activity to the club , and well there they were . Maalik would have to punished for allowing such a breach twice . Still , they intrigued me . There was something about the girl , I noticed it in her memories , but it had not been clear enough for me to see during my brief scan . This place was just getting more and more interesting by the second … . Well then Salem became focused on her . The kid has some kind of sense , I cannot really describe it . Salem can … see things about people . And if the kid was so fixated on this girl then there must indeed be something special about her . Phantasm and I were discussing this development when Salem decided to go over and talk to her . The kid right freaked her out , it appeared , being right there behind her when she turned around . The boy was gone , left her alone on the dance floor . Salem started spouting the kind of cryptic nonsense that some of my colleagues seem to enjoy taunting you lot with so much . A little side effect of the kid 's condition is apparently prevents normal speech . I do not know , there are far stranger things I suppose . Phantasm goes over and retrieves the child ; she managed to act all nice and normal , but I knew she was getting a kick out of watching the girl squirm . But that was what I needed . For her to be afraid . Because afraid she was weak enough for me to see just a little bit more clearly into her memory . It was for only a brief moment , but I could see it . I knew what she could do , and it might very probably be of use to the Master . I grabbed the notebook we had collected of information on Ridley , stuffed it into my pocket and walked out of the club . It was a nice night , clear and dark . I had a little smoke while I waited . I did not wait long , Fiona came out very soon and stopped to wait for the cop . I could see that she was rather upset and wanted to get away from there as quickly as possible . Putting out my cigarette I walked over and got her attention . She was quite frightened when she saw me there , but I could tell she was putting a fine effort into not looking like it . " Ah , I 'm sorry . You surprised me . How can I help you ? " Inspiring fear in you mortals , it never gets old . I took the notebook out of my pocket and flipped through it . There was one thing particularly I wanted to give to her . I found it and scribbled my calling sign onto the front before handing it to her . She stared at the envelope in my hand but did not grab it . She gave a nervous little laugh , and started rambling , not really sure what to say . From her tone it was clear that she was very anxious . " You see , my dear , this was given to an associate of mine a while ago by a young man . They had some … business together . He was a friend of yours , I believe … . " I nodded and returned inside . The doorman had seen everything , he had a good laugh about it . Where exactly is this going ? Well , I do not honestly know , but it should hopefully prove to be an interesting distraction from my other business . This girl is … interesting . I think it shall be most entertaining to bring her over . The Master wants to see her . Back on Ridley 's case , well , we do not really have much to go on now . He was following us closely on the way here , but after the encounter with the Child I have not seen any sign of him . Madison 's blocked memory may be my only lead for the moment . Oh , and I just remembered I will have to have Maalik whipped for his incompetence in allowing The Ark to compromised in such a way twice . Even if it did lead to some rather amusing diversions . One must take responsibility for their failures , after all . |
It 's been months since I have blogged . Life has been busy and crazy and going by too quickly . I often get to the point of feeling overwhelmed , like I have too much going on and at I won 't be able to get everything done that I need to in a day . Last Tuesday was Reilly 's birthday , and I was off work to celebrate with the family . That night I started to feel this sense of dread , knowing that we had a very busy 5 days ahead of us . I couldn 't wait to get to 4pm yesterday ( Sunday ) , when I got off of work . Wednesday and Thursday I had to work until 11 : 15pm . Friday I was off , but had to go to Buster 's Christmas party in the evening , followed by getting up at 6am Saturday to work all day , then work again all day Sunday . Friday I had to babysit my nephew in the afternoon , and I was stressing over figuring out when to take a shower and feed the kids dinner after school and get them ready for having a babysitter that night . Buster and I both had to work both days this weekend , so he planned his schedule around mine . We then planned a babysitter for Sunday when our work schedules overlapped . On Tuesday night , this all seemed so overwhelming . I couldn 't wait for Sunday evening to get here . I was literally wishing away the time . Correction - I was selfishly wishing away the time . Wednesday and Thursday nights were very late for me at work , made later by some jack ass trying to steal from the store when it was closing time , making me stuck at work even later . I planned on trying to relax Friday morning before the hectic afternoon and evening and the busy working weekend began . Things don 't always go according to plan , though . Friday morning , right after I got the kids on the bus , Grayson fell and got a big gash on his forehead that I couldn 't get to stop bleeding . I knew almost immediately that he needed stitches . Buster came home from work to stay with Evan and Landon so I could take Grayson to the doctor , who sent me to Urgent Care for stitches . . . where we sat for 2 hours . Two hours with a 21 month old in a waiting room is not a good time . They had 2 TVs on , and thankfully one was on Disney Jr . On the other TV , I very briefly saw something that said breaking news about a school . In the end , the doctor was able to use Dermabond to glue Grayson 's head to fix it . I was relieved he could get by without stitches . When we got home , Buster had to rush right back to work because he had been home for 3 hours . He said to put on the news . I had to feed the kids and get them down for naps before my nephew got here , so I didn 't get to the TV for a while . When I did put it on , I couldn 't believe what I was seeing . There was a school shooting . In an elementary school . Children had been killed . Little children . In cold blood . In front of each other . There were a lot of conflicting reports about who did it and why , but the bottom line was the same . Someone went into an elementary school and killed students and teachers . I cried watching the reports . I wanted to talk to Buster , for him to reassure me that our kids were ok , but I knew how behind he was at work because of coming home that morning . I wanted to go get Reilly and Andrew from school and hold them , but I knew I had to wait until school was over . I called my closest friend to talk about it , just to hear another mom who I knew was just as worried about her own kids . We were both in shock over what we had seen and heard about the events of the morning . We both wanted our kids home , just to hold the and hug them , and never let them go . We agreed that Grayson needing stitches and the flu going around her house , things that had seemed like a big deal to us , were nothing in the big picture . Most days I just wait at my front door for the kids to come around the corner from the bus stop after school . But I walked to the bus stop Friday afternoon and waited for the bus to pull around the corner . I hugged and kissed my kids the second they stepped off the bus , and I could feel my eyes filling with tears the as soon I touched them . Reilly asked what was wrong , and I just told her I was happy to see them . She 's nine now though , and she knew something was up . I was able to play it off as being happy I was off of work that afternoon , and that seemed to be a satisfactory explanation . The rest of the weekend went by fine . Maybe it was annoying to have to wake up so early to go to work . Maybe it was not ideal to need a baby sitter so we could both work our weekend shifts . Maybe it did feel like a very hectic weekend . But it wasn 't as big of a deal as we originally thought . It wasn 't awful . Because when I got home from work on Saturday , although Buster left as soon as I walked in , I was able to hold and hug and squeeze my kids . I was able to sit with them and snuggle and read books and play trains with them . I didn 't mind when they didn 't want to eat their veggies or clean up their toys . Because they were here . I knew that just 300 miles away there were parents planning their children 's funerals . I 'm sure those parents would give anything to hear their child complain about eating green beans or cleaning up the family room . Saturday night I sat with my boys ( Reilly spent the night at my dad 's ) watching Frosty the Snowman , rubbing their heads and holding their hands , holding onto them , smelling them , watching them smile at the movie , loving them . As they sang the songs and laughed , I could feel their excitement about Christmas . They talked about how many more sleeps until Santa would be here and wondered where our elf would end up the next morning . My mind just kept going to the kids who were probably so excited about Christmas , and their families that would never be the same . Eventually , 4pm on Sunday came , and our hectic five days were over . Buster was done working , and we were all home . We had pizza for dinner , and as I looked around the table at my big beautiful family , I felt the tears again . When we put the kids to bed last night and said prayers , I hugged my kindergartener tight and felt the tears . He is just a year younger than the victims of this brutal crime . I hugged Reilly tightly , my big girl who just celebrated her birthday . One of the little girls shared Reilly 's birthday , turning seven just three days before this happened . The tears stayed in my eyes and my voice cracked as we saidMy kids are the same kids they were last week . Evan is still Trouble , where his new obsession is putting things into the toilet after he pees in it . When I saw him putting a cup in the toilet today I didn 't yell at him like I did last week when he was squeezing toothpaste into the toilet . Because he is here . I 'd rather have a broken toilet than not have him . The kids still argue and touch things they aren 't supposed to and don 't share with each other when they should . But they are here . So , the kids are the same . I am different . Buster is different . We are listening to them better than before , making them feel important , spending time being present with them . At dinner tonight , neither of us told them they wouldn 't get a snack if they didn 't finish their dinner . We didn 't use our phones or iPod or iPad while we watched a Christmas movie with them tonight . We hugged them extra long before tucking them into bed . They have gotten more hugs and kisses than normal in the past few days . They are here . We are here . We are lucky . While I am enjoying the family time and counting my blessings , I have a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about the families that are burying their babies and loved ones this week . While I felt worried about sending the kids out into the world again today , I know their teachers would protect them just like the teachers did on Friday . My sister is a teacher , my mom is a school secretary , and I was a teacher . I know how much you have to love children to work in a school . I know my kids are as safe as they can be at school . But I still want to keep them home in my own protective bubble forever . I want to shield them from violence and keep them innocent forever . This tragedy has made me realize I can 't wish time away like I did last week , for we have no idea just how much or how little time we have in this life . It 's written somewhere in my Mom Manual that I only have to potty train one child a year . I 've met my quota for 2012 by going through the torturous process of training Trouble . Really , by getting him all the way potty trained , that should count for the next several years , but these kids are pretty close in age . Even though I 'm off potty duty through the end of the year , we picked up a new potty chair for Curly last weekend . We had a potty chair for Princess when she was training , and since she and Pirate are three and a half years apart , we got rid of hers and bought a new one for him when it was time . We used that cute little chair for both Pirate and Trouble . It was cute and it played music when they peed in it . But , training two boys on one chair is the limit here . No matter how much we scrubbed the chair , it was still gross by the time Trouble was done using it . We threw it away months ago . Just as I was getting used to having a little more space in the bathroom , I realized we should get a new potty for Curly . Not to train him right now , but just to get him used to the idea of it and letting him get comfortable sitting on it . He 's just now starting to say the word " poop " ( thanks to two big brothers ) and associating it to what 's in his diaper . Maybe I 'll start working with him in the new year , or I might wait until he 's two in March . I 'm in no hurry . I figure we have to keep buying diapers for Superchunk , so I 'm not going to rush anything for now . One day , in maybe 2 - 3 years , I 'll finally see that parenting raise of not having to buy diapers ! Here are a few pictures of Curly checking out his new puppy potty chair . Trouble has been potty trained for a while now , so I haven 't really had any bathroom stories to share . Once he finally got the hang of pooping on the toilet , we were in good shape . Right after that , he learned how to pee standing up . Now we 're just working on getting him to pull his pants up all the way . He just started school , and I have to remind him to tell his teacher if he has to go to the bathroom . So far , so good . Tuesday afternoon I was sitting at the kitchen table filling out some papers for the kids for school . Trouble was in the living room watching tv and yelled in to me that his butt was itchy . A couple minutes later , he said he thought he had poop in his pants . Then he came shuffling around the corner into the kitchen with his shorts around his ankles and his underwear down telling me he saw poop . I checked , and sure enough there was a little bit of poop in his undies . Not a whole turd , but more than a shart . I took him upstairs and wiped his but to get it clean and asked him if he pooped the night before when I was at work . He said no . I didn 't think much more about it , just cleaned him up and put on his new underwear . Later that afternoon , out of nowhere , he says to me , " I went poop at my school today . " . I asked him who wiped him and he said no one . I asked if he told his teacher he went poop and he said no . Apparently he just went into the bathroom , dropped a deuce , pulled his pants up , washed his hands ( I asked & he said yes ) , and went back to class . Yet another thing I never thought of with Princess or Pirate . Neither of them would poop at school ! Oh , boy ! I love my kids more than anything . But they are a lot of work . I look forward to nap time every day . This is the time in the afternoon where I have peace and quiet in the house . I 'm experiencing it right now , and it 's amazing . Today it will be a little short lived because I have to go shower & get ready for work , but I 've had 45 minutes to myself . I catch up on my shows , eat lunch , check out Facebook , mess around with apps on the iPad , and enjoy the quiet . Trouble and Curly usually go down for naps around 1 : 15 , then I give Superchunk his bottle and spend some one on one time with him . He 's getting big so fast , I have to remind myself that I need to enjoy this time with him because there is no " next time " for baby stages . I put him down for his nap around 2 , then get some time to myself . Trouble usually wakes up around 3 and comes down to snuggle with me on the couch for a little while . Then the mad afternoon rush starts . I either get ready for work & write Buster a note about what everyone needs that evening , or if I 'm off , I get the kids off the bus , do snacks & homework , get the babies up , and start dinner . Never a dull moment here . . . except for right now , and I love it ! Better soak it up before the moment passes ! I 've really been slacking off on this blogging thing . Days are pretty busy now , especially the ones where I work . When I do get some " quiet time " I 'm usually folding laundry or straightening up . . . or catching up on my shows . Anyway , the past two plus weeks have been busy to say the least . All three of the big kids started school , we celebrated Buster 's birthday , we celebrated my grandmother 's birthday , and Pirate started soccer . Instead of doing a separate post on each thing , I 'm making this one fun - filled post about everything ! Sunday , August 26 was Buster 's birthday . We had gone out to dinner and to a couple bars the night before to celebrate . We stayed out until 1am , which is pretty much unheard of for us . We had a great time . Unfortunately I had to work all day on his actual birthday , so we didn 't have a special birthday dinner . I did have time to make a cake that morning , so we sang Happy Birthday and had cake to celebrate that evening . On Monday , August 27 , Princess and Pirate started school . Princess started third grade , and Pirate started kindergarten . They were both really excited about school , and they had a great first day . Luckily , their enthusiasm has continued through the first two weeks of school , and they are both still loving it . Trouble had an Ice Cream Social on August 28th to meet his teachers and the other kids . His first official day of school was September 4 . I was a little worried about how he would do in school given how he acts , but he had a great first and second day . He 's only going Tuesday and Thursday mornings , but it 's just enough to get him out of the house and have some structure and interaction with other kids . He definitely needs that ! It is unbelievably quiet in here when Trouble is at school . Superchunk takes his morning nap for a good part of the time Trouble 's in school , so Curly gets a lot of Mommy Time , which we both love . He turned 18 months on Friday , and he seems like such a big boy now . He weighs around 25 lbs . I 'll find out for sure at his checkup tomorrow morning . He loves playing with trains and trucks running around the house . He is 100 % a Mommy 's boy , and I don 't mind that one bit ! Pirate started soccer during the first week of school . He only had two practices before his first game this past Saturday . He really loves playing . I missed his first game because of work , but Buster said it was pretty entertaining to watch the kids play . I get to go this weekend , so I 'm excited to watch the action on the field ! Wearing his official uniform for Team USA ! Big family gatherings are few and far between since everyone has so much going on these days . Last weekend my dad 's family got together to celebrate my grandmother 's birthday . She turned 39 again this year , which is pretty amazing considering she has a granddaughter catching up to her age ! We were able to grab a quick family picture of my grandparents with their grandchildren and great - grandchildren . The only one missing is my cousin who lives in Florida . We pretty much filled up the entire living room at my uncle 's house to get this picture ! That 's a big crew ! Superchunk continues to be a chunky boy . He had his six month checkup last week and he weighs in at a whopping 21lbs ! He 's also 27 3 / 4 inches tall . This is one big boy ! He 's rolling all over the place , and trying to scoot himself around . He is also working on sitting up , although he only lasts a few seconds at a time doing it . That 's a lot of weight to move around ! Today is the first Ravens ' game , and it 's Purple Monday . The kids could probably care less , but I made sure they were all supporting the Ravens . We 're also crazy excited about how the O 's are playing right now too . It 's a great time for fans in Baltimore ! I had to document this quote from Princess after Open House this afternoon . She 's thrilled for a bunch of reasons . Her BFF is in her class . So is her other BFF , and her other one , and her other one . You get the point . Apparently in third grade you get to have lots of best friends . I 'm so happy for her ! I never had a lot of friends when I was in elementary school . I love that Princess has lots of friends , and that ( so far ) they haven 't hit that age where girls are mean . It was really cute to see all of them hugging each other and talking about how much they missed one another , because , you know , 10 weeks of summer is a long time ! She is also excited because her teacher is new to the school and " young and pretty " , according to Princess . Pirate had Kindergarten Orientation last night . His favorite part was the bus ride the kids went on while the parents sat in a meeting . By the time Superchunk goes to elementary school , I will be able to run orientation as well as all back to school nights ! Pirate seems excited too . He appeared a little overwhelmed today going back into the school . I think he 'll be fine . I 'm happy his big sister will be there to help him to his classroom . When I got this job , I knew I 'd be working evenings and weekends . I had to work Monday and Tuesday , but was off last night and tonight . Tonight is Pirate 's kindergarten orientation , so last night was kind of the last family night we 'd have before school starts . I wanted to do something with the kids since we haven 't gotten out to do much this summer . We planned to take the kids to the big playground at the park . The kids were were really excited . So , we loaded everyone up and headed to the park after dinner . Getting everyone ready to leave the house , although easier than it once was , is still kind of a circus . While I cleaned up from dinner , Buster fed Superchunk his dinner . Then I changed Superchunk 's diaper and put him in the carrier . He 's the easiest to get ready to go . Next we send the kids ( one at a time or they 'll take forever ) to go to the bathroom , wash their hands , and get socks out of their drawers . They 've been living in flip flops and Crocs all summer , but tennis shoes are better for the playground . It never fails , someone seems to get lost upstairs or distracted with toys and this turns into a fifteen minute process . Once the socks are on , the fun process of getting shoes on begins . Buster started loading the kids in the van while I threw a few diapers and bottles of water in the diaper bag . The plan was to go play at the playground then get ice cream or milkshakes at McDonald 's afterward since we had a gift card . We drive to the park , and the kids are super excited . As soon as we get around the corner to see the playground , I know we aren 't going to last long . It is packed . Apparently we aren 't the only family trying to get the kids out to play . So , we unload everyone and I get Superchunk 's carrier attached in the stroller . Buster gets Curly out of his car seat and immediately realizes Curly pooped . Somehow we forgot about changing his diaper before we left the house . We then got to enjoy the fun that is changing a squirming toddler in the back of the van with wipes that have been in the diaper bag way too long and are almost dry , while also trying to restrain three kids who just want to run across the street to the playground , while the baby in the stroller is crying because he just wants to fall asleep . Again , we were a circus . We overcome this and move onto the next obstacle , the fact that there is no ramp from the street to the playground on the side where we parked . We could either a ) walk around the entire park with the 5 kids to get to the handicap ramp , b ) leave ( which Buster and I both wanted to do ! ) , or c ) ghetto - style carry the stroller down the steps . We went with option C . You 'd think we would have caused a spectacle with all the kids we have and the fact that we 're carrying a stroller down the steps , but then again , we were at the Westminster City Park . If you 've ever been , you know what kind of characters are there . No one even noticed us . In my mind before we went , I 'd push the stroller and follow Curly around the toddler area while Buster would watch the three bigger kids on the bigger playground . WRONG ! Crowded doesn 't even describe how many people were there . Before we separated , I made sure said out loud what color shirt each of the kids was wearing to keep track of them . I went into the toddler area with the little guys and Buster went the the bigger playground next to it with the other kids . Immediately I realized how wrong I was in my plan . Curly can 't climb the steps and go down the slide on his own . I would need to go up with him . And I can 't leave the stroller with the crying baby . So I carry Curly around . We try the swings . He freaks out and screams . We try the see - saw . He freaks out and screams . Thankfully Superchunk just gave up and fell asleep , so I only had one crying baby with me . We headed across the playground to where Buster and the kids were , and the look on his face said his experience wasn 't going much better . Trouble wants to be big enough to do everything on his own , but he 's still only three and needs help . It was so crowded it really was hard to keep track of everyone . We moved over to a less crowded part of the playground and the kids played some more . Finally , we decided it was time to go . I honestly have no clue how long we lasted . I know for sure it felt like 3 hours . I think it was more like a half hour though . Then we headed over to McDonald 's and got some drive - thru dessert for everyone . By the time we got home and unloaded everyone , it was kind of melted , but no one minded . At least we had one last night out as a family before the end of summer ! When I was younger and thought about having kids , I always pictured myself with girls . I have two sisters and no brothers . I guess I just assumed I 'd end up with the same as what I had growing up . Actually , I never really thought about the number of kids I would have , just that I 'd have a couple of girls . I never imagined having four boys . I was delighted when I found out our first child was a girl . Picking out the patterns for her nursery , choosing cute little outfits and sandals , filling the closet with dresses in a sea of pink and purple . . . it was so much fun ! At my baby shower , I got the cutest little gifts with " Princess " embroidered on them that we sat around her pink room . As Princess grew , it was always so much fun to buy her new clothes . Anyone who 's been to any store knows that the Girls ' Department is five times bigger than the Boys ' . Girls ' clothes can be any color and have any picture or design . Boys ' clothes are always the same colors and typically have a dinosaur or some type of automobile on them . When I found out I was having a boy during my second pregnancy , I was ecstatic ! Having a girl first made the second time exciting either way . I 'd have a set of daughters , or I 'd have one of each , a boy and a girl . I also received the cutest baby boy clothes and toys at my baby shower . Instead of accessories embroidered with " Princess " , I got things that said " Little Dude " or " Little Man " . Thankfully nothing said " Prince " . I couldn 't bring myself to decorate a room using the word " Prince " . There weren 't as many choices when picking out a theme for Pirate 's nursery . Everything boyish seemed to be sports themed or animal themed . We went with a combination , teddy bears holding basketballs , baseballs , and soccer balls . His room was painted blue , and turned out very cute . As he grew , buying new clothes was easier because there was less of a selection . Fast forward five years , and the cute little boy nursery is now home to two cribs , torn teddy bear border , and a few " Little Dude " picture frames that are still empty . All four of my boys have used this room when they were babies , and the two little guys are still in there . By the time you have a second boy , then a third and fourth ( within the same year ) , you don 't really care if the nursery is cute . It just has to be safe . The clothes that were cute the first time around are now faded and stained . They outgrow the stuff so fast it 's not really worth buying a whole new baby wardrobe . As they grow , we still buy them new clothes . Where Pirate might have had a red shirt with a tractor on it , Trouble 's might be blue with an airplane , Curly 's is orange with a dinosaur , and Superchunk 's is green with a car . Not a lot of selection , but they don 't care , and neither do I . The picture I had of having girls has morphed into life with one girl and four boys . Where I thought I 'd have a house full of baby dolls and Barbies , there are Legos everywhere and superheroes galore . The kids all seem to get along pretty well . Boys and girls are just different from each other . Boys do grosser things than girls . Not that Princess doesn 't have her share of bad habits , but the boys are worse . Lately I 've noticed that Trouble and Pirate play together better than they used to . They are also teaching each other bad habits . For example , the other day Trouble came running in saying , " Pirate just burped right in my face ! " . Pirate followed saying , " Because he farted on my leg ! " . I also caught them peeing in toilet at the same time , standing across from each other . I find boogers in random places around the house , and they always blame each other . Someone always has a finger in their nose , digging for gold . Rarely do they actually pick up a tissue to get rid of the booger . They still call me to wipe their butts when they poop , and while I 'm wiping them , they find it necessary to describe the size , shape , and color of their poop . They try to get awThese are just some of the joys of having lots of boys that I have experienced so far . I 'm sure I will have plenty more to write about as the babies get bigger . However , all four of them are Mama 's Boys , and I wouldn 't trade that for anything , even less boogers around the house ! It 's been a while since I have blogged . This is because I never get on the real computer . Sadly , I 've become addicted to the iPad . I tried blogging from it , but the pictures get uploaded weird and turn out too big on the blog . So , I 'm going to play catch up for a few minutes now . My last post prior to the one about Superchunk hitting six months today , was at the end of July . August is almost over , and this summer has flown by ! August first I started my job search . Blah ! We knew I was going to have to go back to work at the end of the summer . A family of seven can 't live off of one income . My husband worked a part time job last school year . Now that I 'm finally not pregnant and able to work , it 's my turn . I debated going back to work full time , but my entire salary and then some would go toward child care . Totally not worth it . So , I started applying for part time jobs . It was easy to talk about going back to work . It was easy to plan schedules around a potential job . Getting a job and actually working it and working those schedules is another story entirely . My first interview was entirely nerve - wracking . I hadn 't worked since June 12 , 2009 . I hadn 't interviewed anywhere since August of 2006 . I was sweaty - palms nervous about this interview . For a part time job . But hey , an interview is an interview , right ? It went really well . And I wanted to work the morning shift at this job . I 'm talking 5am to 9am . E . A . R . L . Y . But I was willing to do it to be home for the kids the rest of the day and evening . The interview was on a Thursday and I was supposed to get a call that weekend about a second interview . In the meantime , I had another interview at a department store , and I was hired on the spot . It was so strange , I was nervous for the interview , and the next thing I knew , I was filling out new hire paperwork . I was happy to have a job , but not so happy about the pay . But , a job is a job and I should be happy to have one . After my next interview at the first place , they said they 'd call in a week or so about new hires . WOther than that , August has been more of the same . Summer started to get that " dragging on " feeling . We 've slacked on going to the pool . Weekends have been busy with back to school shopping and family birthday celebrations . We were totally into the Olympics for the first week , then got bored with them . The kids have had a few day trips with family members . They are lucky other people take them places because I still don 't tackle a lot of outings with all five kids in tow ! School starts Monday , and it will be nice to get into a routine with the kids . This week is Pirate 's kindergarten orientation . They both have Open House Friday where we can meet the teachers and tour the school . Then Monday I will put them both on the bus together . I am thankful Pirate has his big sister to help him . I worry about my little guy going into that big school all alone ! So , I am here , although I appeared to be MIA for a while . Just a case of not wanting to fight the kids for the computer in this crazy age of electronics ! I love the iPad , but it and it 's crazy apps suck me in and don 't want to let me go ! Posted by Superchunk is six months old today ! I 'm amazed that it 's been half a year since he was born . When I think back on the complete anxiety I was feeling in the weeks leading up to his birth , I laugh at myself . The anxiety was for nothing . I had an easy labor and delivery . And life hasn 't been as hard as I thought it would adding another person to the family . I 'll be totally honest . When I found out I was pregnant last summer , June 25 to be exact , I was freaking out . I mean , absolutely freaking out . I cried hysterically when the pregnancy test was positive . To be fair , I had a three month old baby on top of a two , three , and seven year old . I was just starting to feel like me again . We were getting into a routine . The baby was sleeping at night . It was summer time , and we had joined the pool for the first time . We had a vacation planned . Life was feeling normal . Then this total shock came to us and I didn 't think I could handle it . I don 't love being pregnant . So , I wasn 't exactly happy to have a positive pregnancy test . It took me some time to get used to the news . We waited a while to tell anyone . We knew the response we 'd get . " What ? Are you kidding ? " " Don 't you know what birth control is ? " . Yes , we got all of those responses . I even got a " Congratulations ? " emailed to me , like it was a question . We also got a lot of positive responses , like how blessed we were to have a big family , how we were already great parents , and we 'd be great parents to a fifth child . My husband always tells me that everything will be alright , and that everything happens for a reason . It took me a while to get used to the idea , but after a little while , I embraced pregnancy for the final time . Back to my little Superchunk . He is such a joy to have in our family . I can 't believe how I was so upset last year . I could never imagine life without him . Yes , life with five kids can be hectic at times . But it is very rewarding . Superchunk is very laid back . He doesn 't cry much . He 's starting to develop a personality , and it 's so cute . He laughs at his brothers and sister . Just recently , he started to get upset when we walk out of the room . He loves attention and to be around people . We 've been so lucky that Superchunk has slept through the night since he was six weeks old . He 's the book definition of a good baby ! Landon still definitely deserves the name Superchunk . He weighs almost 21 pounds , as much as his big sister weighed when it was her first birthday . He 's moving into 18 month size clothes . If he doesn 't slow down , he 'll be sharing a wardrobe with Curly ! He loves his oatmeal for breakfast and just started trying baby veggies . He 's only had peas so far , and he 's a little unsure of the taste . He 's rolling over both ways , and pushing himself up on his arms . On his tummy , he reaches for toys and tries to push himself toward them . I 'm in no rush for him to start crawling though , as that means he 'll be on the move . I know all too well that once they start , they never stop ! He also babbles all the time . My personal favorite is when he says , " mamamamama " over and over . I know it 's babbling , but I still like the sound of it ! Our family is complete , and I am totally in love with this family . We were meant to have five children . I can 't picture life any other way ! I am thankful for so many things . I have been blessed in many ways . The main thing I am thinking of today is my family . I know that the majority of the time I complain about them , and my kids drive me crazy . However , I honestly love them more than anything in the world . I am incredibly thankful to have such an amazing husband and to have happy , healthy kids . My mom recently told me about how a first grader at her school was diagnosed with leukemia and has been in a children 's hospital for months . The little girl is six . Not that I think anyone deserves to get cancer , but this little girl should be spending her summer in the pool or on a beach or at camp or doing anything else that does not involve living in a hospital . This makes me think about how much I take my kids ' health for granted . I complain about when they have colds or a stomach virus . Things could be so much worse . I am thankful to have healthy kids . My husband went to see The Dark Night at midnight when it opened last week . Neither of us ever thought about some whack job going in and shooting up the movie theater . I 'm sure no one in Colorado thought that would happen either . I still can 't wrap my head around this tragedy . I continue to pray for the victims and their families . Life is precious and you never know when it might end . I am thankful for the lives of everyone in my family . I want to keep us all in a little family bubble where no one can never hurt us . So , on this Thankful Thursday , which I may or may not continue weekly , I am incredibly thankful for my family . They mean the world to me , and they always will . Thank you , Buster , Reilly , Andrew , Evan , Grayson , & Landon for being my amazing family . I 've seen this on many other blogs and think it is a great idea . Especially since I am a little too wordy at times . Who knows , maybe I 'll even make this a regular thing . ( probably not ! ) This year , we decided not to go on our regular summer vacation trip to Ocean City . We decided not to go on vacation period . We knew we 'd have five kids and that money would be tight . Back in January , we decided that we wouldn 't go away this summer . In January , all I could think about was having the baby in February , so not going on vacation didn 't seem like a big deal - at the time . Once summer hit , I wished we could go to the beach . But we knew that it would mean spending a ton of money we didn 't have , and that it would be stressful with five kids . Even with only four kids last year , we had to split up most of the time . One of us would stay at the condo with the napping kids , while the other one would take the other kids to the pool . We basically do the same thing at home . Buster still had time to take off of work , so he took vacation time for a week , and we had a facation . He was off for ten days , and before his time off , we had all kinds of big plans for when he was home . We were going to fix some things around the house . We were going to take a few day trips with the kids . We were going to go to the pool every day . During the second half of the vacation time , we had a lot of doctor appointments scheduled , that were best to get done while he was home . Superchunk had an appointment with the ENT to get his tongue clipped because he was tongue tied . Side note - I was super proud of myself for taking him and watching . He was great , and it literally took less than a minute . We are incredibly lucky because this was our first experience with ever needing a specialist or needing to have any type of procedure done to any of the kids . I thought about pushing it off onto Buster , but I sucked up my anxiety so that I could be there with my baby . After that we also had yearly checkups for both Trouble and Pirate , and Trouble had his first dentist appointment . Luckily , no one needed shots ! We got both of their health forms for school filled out and dropped off at their schools , so I don 't have that hanging over my head anymore . Aside from these appointments , we didn 't really have any set plans . We just had a bunch of stuff we wanted to do with the kids . Buster got home from work around 1pm on July 12 . I was working on lunches for the kids . They were whining , and they jumped all over Buster as soon as he got home . I think he was ready to go back to work about 20 minutes later ! We decided that since we weren 't going away , we were going to pretend to be away for the whole vacation . At first we were calling it Stay - Cation , since Buster was off but we were staying home . But then we decided to call it Facation , since we were faking our vacation at the beach . No one else may find it funny , but we laughed about it all week . After naps on Thursday , I took Trouble to the pool by himself to spend some quality time together , and to reward him for pooping on the potty regularly . Any time we went to the pool , it was the equivalent of the pool at the beach . Friday we slept in and relaxed during the day . After dinner , we took all of the kids for a walk to the playground at Princess 's school . That was the same as when we take evening walks at the beach , only there was no beach . Right now it is only a little over a week later , and I honestly can 't remember exactly what we did last weekend . I know we sat outside and had drinks Saturday night , like when we sit on the balcony of our condo at the beach . The more we drank , the more we pretended things were the same as Ocean City . Sunday , Buster took the kids to the pool for a little while . By the evening , I wasn 't feeling well . I 've been fighting this ear infection since the beginning of July . I took ear drops for over a week , felt better , then it came back . Sunday night I felt out of it . Monday I called the doctor , but they couldn 't see me until Tuesday . Monday afternoon I took Curly to the pool with my sister and my nephew , and we hung out at the baby pool for a while . By the way , the baby pool is not a babysitter for your kids , people ! I hate when people just let their kids go into the baby pool without watching them . It is still water , and your kid could still fall under and drown . At the same time , don 't let your kids steal my kids ' toys . I don 't care if they play with them , but don 't pack them up in your bag and pretend like you didn 't notice it wasn 't yours . That 's why my name is on my toys . There is a reason I don 't take all 5 kids to the pool . . . because I couldn 't handle them all on my own . I 'm not going to pawn them off onto everyone else in the baby pool so I can lay on my stomach and tan myself with my head covered , or sit at the snack bar where I can 't possibly see my kids . I apologize for the pool rant ! Monday evening we took the kids to a park nearby which we refer to as the Duck Pond . We checked out the ducks and spent a long time on the swings and the playground . There is a park on the bay in Ocean City that we go to every year during our vacation , so that was our beach equivalent . Tuesday morning I went to the doctor for my ears , which turned out to be my ears , sinuses , chest , and a whole mess of other stuff . Turned out that going to Urgent Care on July 1 was a waste of money because they just treated me for what I thought I had , not really looking to see what the cause was . After spending the morning at the doctor and waiting at the pharmacy for meds , I was exhausted and had 75 pills to take . Taking all the medicine together made me feel dizzy , so I was able to squeeze in a little nap while Buster had the older three kids at the pool . I usually love getting a pool day , especially during the week . This sickness has made things unenjoyable this whole month . Right before dinner Tuesday evening , our lights flickered . The day before we heard a transformer blow nearby , and we thought maybe we were getting some kind of aftermath from that . Later on , we sat down to watch our evening show with the kids . Buster went upstairs to check the thermostat because he thought it felt a little warm in the living room . Then he disappeared into the laundry room to check the a / c unit . We just spent a butt load of money getting our indoor unit fixed at the beginning of June , so I was praying there was nothing wrong with it . Buster checked outside and that part of the unit wasn 't working . The a / c company couldn 't come out until the next morning . It was 7 : 30 in the evening and 94 degrees outside . The inside temperature was climbing . That night was the most miserable night we have spent in the longest time . Buster , Pirate , and Trouble slept in the basement . He said the boys were up and down all night - couch to floor to chair to sleeping bag . I slept in my room so that I could hear the babies in their cribs . We had a fan on each crib , one on my bed , and two in the basement , along with every window in the house open . Princess slept in my bed . Curly woke up every hour all night . I brought him in my bed a couple times , but he would just get all exited and start jumping around . Superchunk slept all night with no probleAlthough me getting sick and the air conditioning breaking were nowhere in our plans for facation , we still equated them to being away . We 've had to visit the doctor in OC on more than one occasion . And most years , something bad happens to us while we 're there . One year the a / c in the place broke . Another year the place we picked was just plain gross . Last year , our car broke down and we had to get it towed and fixed while were away . We just have the best luck ! Buster said that it was actually better we were home because the unit would have kept trying to run if we were away and it could have caused more serious damage . Wednesday we were all so exhausted from the night before we just laid around the house and enjoyed the cool air . We headed over to the mall and ate lunch and let the kids get on a few rides . The whole time we joked about how we were at the boardwalk in OC on the rides . That night we all went to bed early to catch up from the night before . Thursday morning , Pirate had a checkup and Trouble had a dentist appointment . I had scheduled them a half hour apart , thinking there would be plenty of time to get from one office to the next . The night before we thought we might be cutting it too close , so Buster took Trouble , Curly , and Princess to the dentist office , while I took Pirate and Superchunk to the doctor . Buster was done at the dentist in plenty of time for the doctor , so we swapped kids , and he stayed with Pirate for his checkup . I thought it was cute that he wanted to go to the appointments . He said he likes to take them when he can to get to see how they 're doing . Bonus - Trouble loved the dentist ! He came home and proudly showed off his bag of goodies with a new toothbrush and flossers . That afternoon , I went for a much needed and long overdue haircut . When I was done , I dropped off both Pirate and Trouble 's health forms for their schools . Then Buster left for his night of Batman . He and his friend went to watch the entire trilogy . He got home at 4am . We didn 't hear about the CO shooting until the next morning . My heart goes out to those affected by such a senseless tragedy . I just don 't understand how things like this happen . It definitely made me hug my children tighter and pray hard for those families that lost loved ones . Friday , I spent the entire day in bed . I felt awful . The doctor had told me that as the congestion broke up and started draining properly I could get pains in my head . Apparently a side effect of the steroid I was on was pain in my muscles . I felt sore and everything felt tender . It rained all day , which made laying in bed all day a little more bearable . I equated this to being on vacation with morning sickness both last year and the year before . At least this time I didn 't have to go through an entire pregnancy afterward ! It also rained all day Saturday . We had family over Saturday night for a party . We had a great time , but everyone stayed up too late . Yesterday was another day where we just laid around . In the end , we didn 't go to any of the places we had planned on taking the kids . We didn 't fix any of the things around the house we were going to fix . We didn 't do very much at all . We weren 't counting on me being sick or on the air conditioning breaking , which both contributed to us not doing much else . But we had a nice week of family time . Today everyone is missing Daddy ! When I was in the shower this morning ( the place where I do most of my uninterrupted thinking ) I was thinking about how the kids are really changing and developing . I realized that things are getting easier around here , and that 's due to the fact that the kids are all getting bigger and doing more . Milestones are important , but sometimes they get overlooked in all the chaos that is life with five children . Writing the things that have happened lately will help me to remember them . Some might even make it into the Baby Books , although I doubt it : ) Superchunk is an absolute dream baby ! I mean , he is as close to a perfect baby as one can get . He hardly ever cries . He 's been sleeping all night since he was six weeks old . He sleeps 10 - 12 hours every night , and doesn 't even seem bothered when Curly wakes up crying during the night . I admit , he spends a lot of time being moved from place to place , Jumperoo to Exersaucer to playmat to highchair to Bumbo . He doesn 't get held as much as I 'd like to hold him , or as much as he did when he was a newborn , but he seems to be okay with it . I try to rock him to sleep at night , but he wants no part of it . He likes to be in the crib and fall asleep on his own . ( I told you he was a dream baby ! ) As tough as things seemed when he was first born , they have gotten so much easier where Superchunk is concerned . He 's on a schedule where he takes his four bottles a day , two regular naps in the crib , and the same bedtime every night . It seems like all of a sudden he 's into a routine that just flows with what everyone else is doing . He just started eating cereal , and we put him in the highchair at the table when everyone is at the table so he can be part of our meals . He also started rolling over last week , which I thought would take much longer for him to do since he 's so big . That 's a lot of baby body to move ! The kids love making him laugh and coo , and he loves watching them . There is a lot of activity in this house , so there is always something to keep him entertained ! Curly seems to be getting bigger every day . His clothes that were too big when summer started are fitting better . He has an older look to him now than he did just a few weeks ago . He has a mouth full of teeth , with all four of his incisors coming through in the past few weeks . He cut back from two naps to one . We moved him from the highchair to a booster seat at the dining room table . Although he loves to throw his placemat and utensils on the floor , grab everyone else 's food and drinks , and bang on the table , it 's still neat to see him sitting with the rest of us . Pirate is starting to read , which is amazing to me . I know for sure that I don 't spend as much time reading with him as I did with Princess . She was reading well before she started kindergarten , and he is just beginning . But he really enjoys it , and I 'm spending more time working with him . I love that my kids love books and going to the library . Pirate got his first library card , and he gets a kick out of doing the self checkout at the library . He 's at a great age where helping is fun . He loves to do his chores , which I think is great because I know that in a few years I 'll probably get the same eye rolling from him that I now get from his sister . He 's gotten much more independent recently , getting up early and entertaining himself rather than waking up the rest of the house , getting his own breakfast , cleaning up after himself . He has a great imagination and loves playing with his superheroes and dressing up like them . Princess is getting very mature . In most ways this is a good thing , although I 'm not loving the eye rolling and the stomping up the steps when she doesn 't like what I tell her . Pretty sure the teenage years are not going to be a good time ! Where she does her share of eye rolling and whining , she is an enormous help around here . I am constantly asking her to run and get something for me or to help the boys clean up . I know she gets annoyed , but it 's good for her to help . She is reading the Harry Potter books now , which really hit me that she is growing up . I 'm used to her reading much younger books , but she 's reading longer more mature books now , and understanding them . She 's also into popular music now . All the kids know some of the popular stuff that 's out there now . I 'm not a parent who plays kids ' music in the car , so they know stuff that I like . But she now tells me to change the station when she doesn 't like a song , and I see her in the rear view mirror singing along . In the past year , she has really started showing her taste in clothes and how she wears her hair . I know this is a good thing This is a busy house , and it 's easy to miss the milestones the kids are achieving . Nothing is going unnoticed , it 's just a matter of taking a step back and looking to see everything that is happening . Sometimes it 's hard to see everything at once , so I have to take a second and separate the big picture into smaller pieces . It 's worth it though , because this is all happening so quickly that one day Superchunk is going to be the eye - rolling eight year old , and I 'll wonder how he got there ! Has the excitement of summer worn off ? I think it might be gone . Maybe we 're getting tired of being around each other all day , every day . I 'm still happy the kids are off of school . As a former teacher , I love the summer . I spent six years teaching and counting down the days until summer vacation . As a parent , I still love it . I love that the kids are home . I love not having to wake up to an alarm every day , staying in pj 's as late as we want , and having laid back days . But when someone offers to take one or two kids for the day , I do a happy dance . I start the summer the same way every year . I say we 're going to go to the library every week . I sign the kids up for something , anything to get them out of the house for a little while . This year , Pirate had swimming lessons for two weeks at the beginning of the summer . I also signed Princess and Pirate up for Vacation Bible School at a local church . I 've never sent them to anything like that before , and I thought it might be fun . This was in May . At that time , July 8 - 13 seemed really far away . By this weekend , I was rethinking the decision . Did I really want to get everyone up and dressed and in the car to drop them off at 8 : 30 ? I know where the church is and what the parking is like , and it didn 't seem appealing to have to drag five kids in there twice a day all week . So , the second Princess said she didn 't want to go , I jumped on it and decided not to take them . Classic Amy . I sign up , then I back out . In my defense , neither of them wanted to go , so I didn 't feel so bad about not doing it . And it was free . If I had paid , I would have made them go . Everything else just seems to have that ' blah ' feeling to it lately too . Last week was around 350 degrees out , so we stayed inside the whole week . Now , temperatures are back to normal , and we 're still not doing much . I still offer to fill the pool every day , but the older two say it 's boring . Yes , a small plastic pool with a little slide is nothing compared to the community pool down the street . However , I am not insane and I will not take all five kids to the pool alone . Or with help . Not gonna happen this summer . Usually when the Summer Blahs hit , it 's right around vacation time . Then we go away for a week , come home refreshed , and everything seems fun again . This year we aren 't going anywhere , and the summer feels looong . My husband is on vacation next week , so hopefully we 'll do some fun things , or just having him home will make things feel less ' blah ' . In the meantime , I am getting sick of hearing the same things over and over and over from my kids . I 'm tired of the whining , complaining , fighting , yelling , arguing , and the mess . Here are some things I hear every day : 2 . " I 'm bored . " - Seriously ? I know it 's not that exciting to be home all the time , but we have trillions of toys , crafts , art stuff , games , etc . 7 . " He / She isn 't cleaning up ! " - Said at least 500 times a day , instead of actually cleaning up the toys . ( For being so bored , they sure do drag out a lot of shit . ) 9 . " What 's for dinner ? " - This starts first thing in the morning . And is repeated all day . Usually followed by " I don 't like that . " Tough . 10 . " When will Daddy be home ? " - This one 's my favorite because it shows they are tired of me , and that clearly Daddy is the more fun parent . Also it means they 'll be off my back for a little while ; - ) I 'm not just tired of hearing them say the same things . I 'm tired of constantly repeating myself , too . Sometimes I wish I had a CD that I could just repeat of my voice saying the same thing over and over . Now I know why parents send their kids to summer camp . I wouldn 't trade my time at home with them for going to work all day . But I do breathe a sigh of relief when Buster gets home from work . Some nights I go out for a walk , either alone or with Curly . Some nights I get excited to run to Target , just to have time alone . And by far , the happiest time of day is when I see all of their sweet faces sleeping . I love them the most then ! My big boy is five years old today ! It feels like he 's been here forever . Yesterday I was telling him the story of the day leading into the night we went into the hospital to have him , and I realized that day was the last day we only had one child . Princess was listening to the story and said she wishes we could go back to her being the only kid . . . Tough luck , sweetie ! On July 9 , 2007 , I had my last doctor 's appointment . They doctor said I was due July 6 , but I thought I was due July 2 , so by the 9th , I was ready to go . I was enormous and miserable . At that appointment , I still wasn 't dilated , and I was scheduled to go to the hospital at midnight to get Cervadil on my cervix to get me dilating and start the induction . We left the doctor 's office and took Princess out for a day of fun . We went to the " big " mall and did all of her favorite things . We even made a Build a Bear for the new baby . After that we took her to my parents ' house , where she was going to be spending the next few nights . We had pizza with my parents and sisters , hung out for a little while , and got ready to leave . I was crying leaving Princess behind that night . I knew that the next time I saw her , she would not be my only child . I was incredibly nervous about going through labor and delivery again , but I was mostly scared about going from one child to two children . For three years and seven months , Princess was our only child . Everything revolved around her . I didn 't know how I could love another baby as much as I loved her . I was really scared about that . On the forty minute ride from my parents ' house to ours , Buster tried to joke around and make me feel less nervous , but it didn 't work . When we got home , we watched the finale of Hell 's Kitchen , watched the news , and left for the hospital , after stopping at Wendy 's for a burger for Buster . When the in - house doctor checked me around 1 : 30 am , I was already 4 cm . All that mall walking earlier had gotten things going . He told me to sleep and they would start pitocin around 7am . We went to sleep , and around 5 I had to go to the bathroom . As I was walking to the bathroom , my water broke all over the hospital room floor . I yelled for Buster who came running in his socks and slipped in the water . Gross ! He called the nurse , and from there things started to go fast . I never needed pitocin . My contractions started and sped up , and I had an epidural . I was able to taWe had a big party for Pirate when he turned one . We had friends and family and a big celebration . He had a Batman cake , which was really Buster 's pick and not Pirate 's ! We didn 't know that he 'd be Batman obsessed within a few years ! Last year when Pirate turned four , it was our second day of vacation in Ocean City . He thought that was the coolest thing in the world , being three when we left for vacation , and being four when we came home . Opening presents at the beach was a plus , too ! This year , Pirate has big plans for his birthday . He 's been counting down since July 1st . This morning he said , " I 've been waiting for my birthday all year ! " . That 's a long time to wait ! Yesterday he was rambling off a list of what he wanted to do for his birthday , including me serving him breakfast in bed and the kids breaking open a Batman pinata . He was up too early for breakfast in bed , so he got a candle in his Poptart and we sang Happy Birthday this morning . We 've never had a pinata , and I don 't plan on starting that tradition today . When Buster gets home , he 's taking Pirate to the pool for a little while . Then we 're going to play Glow golf and do some inflatables and have some cupcakes . Holy cow , it is HOT out there . The high temperature for Baltimore for tomorrow says 109 . That isn 't summer . That 's hell . The last time I checked , it 's around 97 here . It 's just like stifling hot out there . It 's been like this for a week now , and it is brutal . We haven 't gone out of the house during the day all week . I sat on my front porch this afternoon for a few minutes and the cement was burning my butt . I haven 't even wanted to go to the pool . I can see the parking lot from my house , and it has been packed . I don 't like when it 's that crowded . It 's not relaxing , just annoying . I prefer the air conditioned indoors . Yesterday morning , my dad picked up Princess and Pirate and took them to his house to spend the night . Princess has gone there before a bunch of times , but this was Pirate 's first sleepover . He was so incredibly excited ! He normally sleeps with around 75 stuffed animals on his bunk bed . He picked up about 50 of them to take for the sleepover . We were able to narrow it down to two . Thankfully he has an overnight bag and I told him anything he took had to fit in there . Princess is a pro at packing now , so she knew exactly what she was taking . The kids left around 11 : 30 , and suddenly I only had three kids at home . Although Princess and Pirate are the " easiest " to care for , it still made such a difference to only have three kids . Rest time was great because all three little boys slept and I had ' Me Time ' , which unfortunately consisted of doing dishes and folding laundry , but at least it was quiet ! Usually my husband goes to the grocery store Thursday evening after work . He just goes on the way home to get it out of the way so we don 't have to go during the weekend . I am very blessed in the husband department ! Yesterday we had so many leftovers from our 4th of July cookout , he said he would go after work today instead . This morning , he had to get up at 5am to go to work , but was going to get done early , stop at the grocery store , and come home early to start the weekend . At 7 : 30 , he texted me that someone called out and he had to stay through and work the dinner shift . I guess that 's the downside to being the boss . So , since he 's working 13 straight hours today , I thought the least I could do is get the grocery shopping done . Well aware of the fact that it was 300 degrees outside and I 'd have to take three kids three and under with me , I decided it was still better than being at work all day . My original plan was to get out the door by 9 . Even with only three kids here , I couldn 't get my act together , and we didn 't leave until close to eleven . The big kids were going to be home around one , so I had to move it . ThankfuFinally , we made it to the checkout section . For some crazy reason , although the store was crowded , there were only three cashiers open - one of which was an express lane . Clearly this was not an express trip . And doesn 't it figure , as soon I got close enough to start unloading my groceries , two more cashiers open registers . Such is my luck ! The checkout was the hardest part of the trip . Even though this cart was enormous , I could still keep it in the middle of the aisles so that Curly and Trouble couldn 't reach anything on the shelves . But at the checkout , it is very narrow . Trouble was right up on the candy section , touching everything . Curly was reaching for a balloon . Trouble started asking me every two seconds for a balloon , for a pack of M & Ms , for Skittles , for gum , for a different balloon . . . you get the picture . Curly started whining for Goldfish he saw . Superchunk started crying . In my head , I was cursing the cashier for being so nice to the person in front of me that they wanted to have a long conversation . She was super sweet to us too , despite the meltdowns that were beginning . When she was giving me my receipt , she asked if I needed help out to the car . I was tempted to ask if I could get help once I got home , but I didn 't . I pushed the ginormous cart out the door into the sweltering heat and wished I could snap my fingers and be home . After I walked the 10 miles to the van , I loaded the kids back in , piled in the groceries , returned the cart ( smart to park by the cart return ! ) and blasted the A / C . I was beyond a hot mess . Sweat was just pouring off my face . I looked back at the boys , and they seemed completely unphased by the heat . Burger King is in the same shopping center as the grocery store , so I told Trouble I 'd get him some fries for being so good in the store . I knew deep down that the prize was really for me for surviving the store trip ! Driving home , the gas light came on , but I knew I could make it home . No more field trips for today ! When we got home , I took the kids in the house first . ThPosted by Trouble has been potty trained for months , since before Superchunk was born . He 's great about peeing on the potty , tells us when he has to go , doesn 't have accidents , loves underwear , etc . Really for as much trouble as he causes , I was surprised at how quickly he was trained . Pooping is a whole different story . For the life of me , I could not get him to poop on the potty . Buster has way more patience than I do , and he is much more laid back . He has sat in the bathroom on a little stool with Trouble for hours waiting for him to poop . Finally , he went on the potty about a month or so ago . I swear , Buster sounded like he was coaching Trouble through labor the way he was talking to him about pushing the poop out . Since the first time , Trouble has pooped on the potty a total of five times . I know this because there are five stickers on the chart . However , he has not only pooped five times since then . He has pooped in his underwear a ton of times . He has pooped in his Pull - Up a ton of times . And best of all , he has pooped on the floor . I 'll get to that in a second . Every time I think we 're making some progress in the pooping department , Trouble proves me wrong . We will be so excited , get him a prize , put a sticker on the chart , praise him , make it the biggest event in the world when he goes on the potty . But then , the next day or that same night , or whenever he has to go again , he 'll revert back to going in his pants . Such a letdown . We look for all the signs of him having to go and get him on the toilet as soon as we see them . And he sits and sits and sits . Usually , once he goes , he 's good for a couple days . I think he stores it all up because he doesn 't want to deal with having to sit on the potty . Last Friday morning he came in our room and said his tummy hurt . We knew it meant he had to go , so I put him on the toilet and sat with him . We sat and sat and sat until the other kids started asking for breakfast . I put his underwear and shorts on and took him down for breakfast . After the kids ate , he said , " My tummy feel all better " , so he went downstairs to play . While I was cleaning up the kitchen , he came upstairs and said , " Something 's wrong with me . " . I asked him what was wrong , thinking he hurt his leg or foot , and he said , " There 's poop in my Wall - E underwear . " . All that time we spent on the potty , and he went downstairs by the train table and pooped in his pants ! ( He has two pooping spots in the house , the train table in the basement , and next to his bed ) I got him cleaned up and dressed and figured that was it for a couple of days . That night after dinner , we were all in the basement watching ' Wipeout ' , and Trouble was playing with Curly . Pirate was next to me , and I asked him if he farted because I smelled the smell . When he said no , I looked across the room at Trouble who covered his face with his hands . He had taken a dump in his underwear AGAIN , and in the same room as the entire family ! He didn 't even run off to try to do it in private or anything . Must be somethin ' about that train table . Buster looked up some training tips online that night , and one of the tips was to have the child walk around with no pants or underwear on . It said it could take a few days , but they will eventually have to go , and they 'll use the potty . Apparently they like the security of the poop going right into their diaper or underwear and they are scared to let it fall into a potty . I don 't get it , and I don 't remember that with Princess or Pirate , but Trouble is way different than they ever were . So , we tried it . The boy went bottomless all day Saturday . He 's not to the point of wearing underwear overnight yet , although he wakes up dry every morning . I guess this is laziness on my part , because I don 't want to change pee sheets . He wears a Pull - Up to bed . Saturday night , Buster put the big kids to bed while I gave Superchunk his bottle . Buster stayed upstairs for a little while , and I heard him yell , " You have got to be kidding me ! " . Trouble got out of bed and crapped in his Pull - Up . After walking around half - naked all day , and pooping twice the day before , he went right as soon as he had pants on . But what can you do ? Try again the next day . Trouble walked around the house ( thankfully we don 't go anywhere when it 's 500 degrees out ) sans bottoms all of Sunday , Monday , and Tuesday . We did put a Pull - Up on him at bedtime , but even for naps he slept with no bottoms . I 'm pretty sure any other kid would have a problem with this , but he did not . He didn 't poop . Yesterday was the 4th of July , and we were having family over , so we knew he needed to wear pants . But I decided to have him wear shorts with no underwear . That way , if he pooped , it wouldn 't be caught in something , but would fall on the floor . More work for clean - up , but I figured we should at least try it . When it was time for a nap , he kept coming out of his room because we had company . Finally he laid down and looked like he was going to sleep . I was just about to feed the baby when Trouble came running out of his room again and said " Something fall down in my room . " . I thought he pulled his curtains down ( regular occurrence ) so I ran upstairs to put them back up on the wall . The curtains were still up . I asked him what fell , and he pointed around the corner next to his bed . Before I looked , I thought he had pulled down his floor lamp . He said , " That turd just fall right out my shorts . " . Sure enough , there was a turd on the floor , right next to his bed , in his usual pooping spot . And he was freaked out . It scared him that the poop fell onto the floor . Buster dumped the turd and cleaned Trouble , and I cleaned the carpet . Trouble took a nap , and when he woke up he kept talking about the poop on his floor . It really bothered him . Later in the afternoon , Trouble told Buster his tummy hurt and he had to poop . He said he wanted to sit on the potty to go . This was HUGE for us ! Where he has pooped on the potty before , he has never told us he wanted to sit on it and go . He sat down , told Buster to leave the bathroom , and he pooped ! He even said my favorite words , " DADDY , I 'm DONE ! ! " . He said he didn 't want to poop on the floor anymore . He said the turd on the floor scared him . This is major progress ! I don 't know if he 's poop trained for good , as it 's only 24 hours later . Today he 's wearing shorts without underwear again , and I keep reminding him that he has nothing on to catch the poop if he has to go . He may not go for a day or two , but hopefully he will tell us again and use the potty ! I 'm a mother of 5 kids , 4 of which are 5 and under . My life seems to revolve around wiping butts and noses . There is never a dull moment in this house of chaos ! |
After four girls , we were all sure that John would be a girl , too . We decided that our new baby would be named Christine Marie . I drew a picture of my baby sister - to - be on the last day of third grade in Mrs . Gumpers ' class at Our Lady of Sorrows . Every summer , we went to Playschool - the free vacation day camps that the New York City public school system ran in the neighborhood school buildings from early July through the end of August . At the end of the season , there would be a huge gathering of all the schools in the district at Newtown High School 's athletic field , and each school would put on a little musical show . We 'd make costumes out of crepe paper , do the Charleston , sing Oklahoma ! , things like that . It was great fun , and parents were encouraged to attend and cheer for their offspring . It was in the high 90s and humid the day of our pageant . My parents attended anyway - my father brought folding beach chairs , and he and my enormously pregnant mother watched and cheered and sweated in the boiling sun as class after class did their song and dance routine . It was over by about half past four . We piled into the car , went home , had dinner . The phone rang , and Yaya picked up , listened for a minute , and made some uncharacteristically loud sounds . Somehow , Janet and I gathered that we had a brother . We jumped up and down , and ran down the three flights of stairs , yelling . " IT ' S A BOY ! IT ' S A BOY ! ! " Everyone was so happy , so excited that we finally had a brother . When my dad came home , and handed out the first - ever blue cellophane wrapped cigars , the look on his face said everything . I had never before , and never since , seen such a look of pure and absolute joy on his face . That day is a blur ; it was supposed to be my day of rest , after going out to Union to search for Dad on Saturday , Sunday , Monday . I had set Wednesday as my return to work , if we didn 't find him . I had very mixed feelings about going back to work . I couldn 't stay out indefinitely ; what if we never find him ? Sometimes , people who go missing are never , ever found . They just disappear without a trace . How does a person just disappear ? The laws of physics tell us that matter cannot be created or destroyed in a closed system ; therefore , he can 't just be gone . He is somewhere in the Escheresque universe in which I 've been living since 8 : 40 Friday morning ; I just can 't find my way to him . The angles are all wrong , they are impossible , incomprehensible . I 've been saying : " My dad is missing " . I could just as easily say : " I 'm missing my Dad " and mean it in all its double - entendred glory ; he 's missing ; I miss him ; oops , have I missed him ? What am I missing ? When someone goes missing , what happens to the people who are missing them ? What do they do ? Do they return to their jobs ? Do they shop for groceries on the way home from work ? Do they still buy Metrocards , and make sure that there 's milk in the refrigerator for breakfast the next morning ? Do they plan their meals for the coming week ? What about the laundry ? Do they carry on , do they do all of these things , all the while waiting for a call from the police or the FBI or a hospital or a morgue that their loved one or their loved one 's body has been found ? Or do they simply sit still ? Do they wait by the telephone , or stake out a spot in front of the computer , searching , researching , unable to move ? Do they take their cellphones into the shower ? Do they take showers ? Whatever I am doing , I feel like I should be doing something else instead . What if I 'm doing the wrong things , and that 's why I can 't find the right angle ? Is my approach all wrong ? I 've never known anyone else who had this happen . I have no experts to consult . I need a roadmap for this terra incognita where we are marooned . My plan for Tuesday was to talk to the detectives in the morning and get them to set the bloodhounds looking for my father . We were in Day 5 ; Dad had been missing for ninety - six hours ( I had decided that , when we got to one hundred hours , I would switch to counting days ) . Frank and I awoke to the alarm , took our showers , ate our breakfast , drank our coffee , shared the New York Times , watched Weather Channel , just like we do every day . It was all so nice and normal . I turned on my computer to check email . I had messages from my friend Janice asking if there 'd been any word ( no ) ; from my friend Peg , who pointed out how easily the elderly become invisible to the rest of us , allowing as how if Dad had gone out in his pajamas , someone might remember having seen him ( he had done that already , the week before ) ; from Nancy , letting us know that she , Chris and Grant would be in New Jersey by around 2 that afternoon . She added that Chris suggested that one way to get Dad back would be to buy and install an air conditioner in his dining room ( Dad was legendarily spartan about heating and cooling ) . The search had become its own creature , apart from Dad ; Dad and the search for Dad were two separate beings . There had been moments when I felt we were searching just for the sake of doing something . It wasn 't that I thought our efforts were useless or hopeless ; there was a small ( and shrinking ) part of me that thought we might yet find him , and find him alive . Surely there was a reasonable explanation for him being missing ; the Laws of the Conservation of Matter decreed that he was still somewhere in the known universe . Since Friday , I had been dealing with the unknowingness of my situation by trying to control those things I could . To be effective , to move forward , I had to be dispassionate about the alternatives that lay before us . I had to be on task , I had to manage time well , I had to ruthlessly prioritize . It was like managing the store ( people / product / operations ) , except this really was life and death . I wasn 't alone ; I had lots of help , all the help I could ask for ; my husband , my siblings and sibs - in - law , their children , our friends were living through this with me ; but I felt so terribly alone . Okay , so the detectives would have dogs and helicopters … Det . Moutis said that we should register for a Silver Alert . I said I 'd set it up if he sent me a link . Monday night , when I got home from New Jersey , before we had dinner , Frank and I were talking about places that George and Barbara and Alyssa and Kevin and Glenn and the neighbors and I couldn 't get into to search on our own . Frank had made a list of the kinds of places that should be searched ; abandoned buildings within a reasonable radius ; houses that had been foreclosed upon , and were vacant ; garages , sheds , outbuildings , even on occupied properties - we 'd had a cat years ago who had gotten locked in a neighbor 's garage by accident , and he 'd been missing for three days before the neighbor returned , opened the garage , and out came our Patch . Maybe Dad crawled into or under an abandoned car in a foreclosed garage and has been unable to get out and come home . Maybe he fell through a rotted floor in a vacant , derelict house . Maybe he got lost again , and went into a house that he thought was his , except it was empty , and now he thought we had sold all of his things or that he had lost the house to taxes . When we had his income taxes done earlier that spring , he got confused , and thought the new accountant was there to take his house away . Maybe he was looking for Mom . My email to Det . Moutis crossed with his email to me giving me the web address for setting up a Silver Alert . I should have guessed it - www . silveralert . org - and I can 't remember now why I couldn 't . I registered my dad for the Silver Alert and uploaded the picture that we 'd used on his flyers . I emailed the link to Det . Moutis and all my sibs with the login and password . For some reason - and I don 't know if it still works this way - the login and password were only good for an hour , and I had to re - log - in and re - upload his picture once the hour was up . I called my contact at Union 's Channel 12 to give her Dad 's information and the Facebook page URLs so she could do a screengrab of the flyer . I promised to follow up with a flyer by email , in case the screengrab wasn 't sufficiently clear . Lexi promised to get the information on the air that day . Janet and Wally were at Dad 's , getting ready to leave for Maryland , since Nancy was coming up . Someone had to be in Maryland to take care of the total of five cats and one dog between the two households , so Janet and Nancy tag - teamed . I think that George and Barbara were both back at work - it 's so hard to remember now , and my cell phone and text records aren 't clear . Alyssa had finals coming up , so she was back in school . John was planning to arrive on Thursday . Maybe we 'd find Dad by then . The detectives had arrived , with the bloodhound and his handler from the Essex County Canine Unit . It was mid - day . They 'd had to wait for the bloodhound to come from the next county , because Union County didn 't have one of their own . The handler , wearing latex gloves , took my father 's old worn pajamas outside , and spread the top and bottom out on the lawn in front of Dad 's house . ( The image I conjured for myself of my father 's nightclothes spread out on the lush grass is indelibly imprinted on my mind 's eye . ) The handler wears gloves so that he doesn 't transfer his own scent particles to the scent article . I am in my living room . I am waiting , too . I text Glenn ( not wanting to tie up the phone ) ; he has heard nothing , and is getting anxious . They have not been gone long . The bloodhound veered left at the head of the path , into the woods , without hesitation . They went deep , deeper , following my father 's scent , over brambles , and weeds , and thickets of vines , into the heavy brush . They found him lying on the ground . He said it would have been impossible to find him without the bloodhound . The brush and tangles of vines and weeds were more than two feet high ; Dad had sat down on a log , taken off his shoes , and either lay down or fell back . He was on the ground , his glasses and tan hat were off to the side , his watch still on his wrist . He was clothed except for his shoes , which were on the ground next to the log . They would have to confirm his identity with dental records . He had been out in the elements for more than one hundred hours . The coroner would later say that he had almost certainly died the first day . That would account for the lack of sightings , I thought to myself . Nancy , Chris , and Grant arrived at Dad 's house at about the time that the detectives were calling me . I must have called Janet and Walter , John and Cheryl , Barbara and George , but I don 't remember doing so . Frank came home sometime in the late afternoon and I told him . I am sure I was crying , but I don 't remember . I texted my friends . I called the store and told Emery that they had probably found my father , and I wouldn 't be coming in on Wednesday after all . Janet and Wally are due in from Maryland at about noon . I have to make some calls before I leave . I 'll be on the 9 : 47AM LIRR to Penn , and pick up the 10 : 37 NJT train to Roselle Park . That will get me to Jersey at about twenty past eleven . I 'll have the chance to get a couple of things done here before I leave , and to get a couple of things done at Dad 's before Janet and Wally arrive . I call the UCPD . The dispatcher recognizes my voice . I ask to speak to the desk sergeant . I verify that the new platoon has my dad 's photo . I tell them we are continuing our search today , and that I need to speak to the detectives when they come in . I can 't listen . I love her , and would have spared her this news if I didn 't feel I had to prepare her for a bad outcome . But , I have my own burden of fear to carry , and it is heavy enough . I detach myself carefully , tell her I have to leave for New Jersey to continue the search , and promise to keep her informed . George and Glenn are waiting for me at Roselle Park . As we edge out of the parking lot , I look at each of them and ask if they mind if I speak very freely . They both nod for me to go ahead . " I think that if we find Dad , we won 't find him alive . We may not ever find him at all . He 's been gone too long . " Glenn says that he didn 't want to be the first one to say that , but he agrees . So does George . They are both relieved that I have said this out loud . I ask George if he thinks Barbara and Alyssa are preparing themselves . He isn 't sure . I tell him about my conversation with Barb in the A & P parking lot on Sunday , when I asked about Alyssa . We get to Dad 's and open up the windows to air it out . The weather 's been beautiful since Dad disappeared ; there was only a brief shower on Saturday , late afternoon ; otherwise , it 's been sunny and not too hot . Glenn 's been taking care of the mail over the weekend , not letting it pile up on the porch . The neighbors all know about Dad , and have walked the woods and the neighborhood themselves . Ron , the neighbor across the street , tells us about a shelter in Elizabeth ; maybe Dad is there . George 's neighbor Joanne had mentioned one too . Both places were on the list that Nancy and Janet have been calling all weekend . None of the neighbors , or the shopkeepers , or the cemetery workers saw him Friday morning . It 's like Dad walked out of his door and into thin air . I have been playing phone tag with the detectives through the day . Finally , I get to speak to them briefly . They give me their direct dial numbers and email addresses . I talk to them about where we looked for Dad over the weekend . Detective George Moutis told me that everywhere he and his partner , Detective Ken Elliot , canvassed , we had already covered . He and his crew had seen scores of our flyers all over Union . And they had fewer leads than we did - they had no sightings at all . They hadn 't come across even one person who had seen Dad on Friday , or since . Janet and Walter are going back to Maryland in the morning ; Nancy , Chris and Grant will be up in the early afternoon . Barbara is at work , and Alyssa is at school . John is flying in on Thursday . I am going home to rest for a day , and go back to work on Wednesday , unless of course Dad is found . When I get home , I tell Frank about what the day has held . We eat our dinner , watch a movie or some South Park episodes ( I don 't remember , and I think I fell asleep ) . Before bed , I email the detectives ' contact information to all the sibs and spouses . I am up by 6AM . Dad has been missing for forty - six hours . I take my shower , check my email and begin with my plan for the day . I spend the early morning tracking down local media outlets - broadcast and cable television , radio , newspapers - and emailing them flyers . By 9AM I have contacted local channels 2 , 4 , 5 , 7 , 9 , 11 and NJ 12 ( who said they needed a press release from the police - that will be my first thing Monday morning , if we haven 't found him by then ) . I contact the NY Post and the NY Daily News . I don 't bother with the Times because this is happening in Jersey and they won 't care . If he is still missing tomorrow , I will also hit the local New Jersey newspapers - I can look them up and get their contact information when I get back tonight . A bit past 9AM , I talk to the dispatch officer at the police station at the beginning of the day shift . The new platoon is out with pictures of Dad in their cars . My mom 's best friend Thea has made the same arrangements at the 110th Precinct in Corona , just in case Dad ( somehow ) did make there . It is looking less and less like a realistic scenario , but we all feel the need to cover all the bases . If I thought he could come up with the idea of flying somewhere , I 'd have posted at the airports too . I just want to find him . All the sibs have the flyer in their email inboxes , and all the sibs are forwarding it to their address books with instructions to pass it on . All of us on Facebook have forwarded the page I created last night . Alyssa made up her own page , using the same layout , and called it Help Me Find My Grandfather . She forwarded the link to all of her Facebook friends and they are in turn forwarding it to theirs . The page has over a hundred " likes " already , most of them Alyssa 's friends in Union . John and Cheryl are tweeting it on Twitter , Barbara is posting it on her fitness boards . Barb emailed me first thing this morning that she 'd had a dream that their cat Dallas was missing . She said she found her on the side of Dad 's house , alive , buried in some snow . Barbara says she is going to look by the side of Dad 's house this morning , again , just in case . At this point , we know that if Dad hasn 't been taken into an ER or shelter by someone , his mobility will be limited , he will be exhausted , hungry , dehydrated , off his meds for more than forty - eight hours . Our best hope for finding him is that he is resting somewhere - a park bench , bleachers , a shady spot under a tree . We covered that ground yesterday and will do it again today . We 're going to visit some of the same places , in case there are new people there who don 't know about Dad . Before I leave , I email Nancy and ask her to find email addresses for Our Lady of Sorrows and P . S . 19 in Corona , and send them the flyer with a note . I ask her to get email addresses for the hospitals and shelters on her call list , and send them the flyer . Everyone at these places is aware that we are looking for Dad ; it will help keep him in the front of their mind if they have a picture to refer to , and the knowledge that there is a family who desperately wants to find him . Barbara offers to fax the flyers from work to any place that doesn 't have an email address . The guy at reception today is the same guy who was there yesterday , and he still hasn 't seen Dad and there have been no John Does admitted . Our flyer is posted on the wall behind the desk , behind the thick Plexiglas window that separates him from me . I use the hospital rest room and go back out to the car . George takes me back to his house , where he and Glenn are working replacing a faucet , and Barb , Alyssa and I leave in Barb 's car . At 2 : 02 PM , my cell rings . It 's George . Patty from Café Z thinks she saw Dad near the Lowe 's on Morris Avenue in Union . It 's two miles from his house , but Dad has walked that far in good weather many times . George and Glenn each get into their cars and separately approach the location Patty described from opposite sides of Morris Avenue . They don 't want to miss him . Walter calls me at 2 : 08 and I tell him about the sighting . I am talking with both him and Janet when Glenn calls me . I switch to Glenn 's call . George is coming up in the other direction , sees Glenn 's car , sees the old man , sees it 's not Dad . They go to Café Z to tell Patty , and to thank her . It 's the only real glimmer of hope we 've had in fifty - four hours . They go back to the house , deflated . I take the 10 : 03AM from Murray Hill to Penn . I bring an extra $ 50 and the Capital One credit card statement so I can stop at the bank at the corner of 7th Avenue and 33rd Street in between trains . The NJT train won 't leave until 11 : 07AM anyway . That 'll give me almost half an hour to cross the street and pay the bill on its due date . It 'll also add the slightest semblance of normalcy to my increasingly surreal situation . When I get to Penn , I go to the NJT ticket machines and get two off - peak round trips ( I can always use them , is my very practical thought ) . I go up the escalator , turn left and walk to the Capital One on the next corner . It is empty at 10 : 35AM . There is one teller on , and no line . I pass the statement and my fifty - dollar bill under the bulletproof glass . She takes the statement and the money , inputs the account information , completes my transaction , and slides me my receipt . We go back to Dad 's , so I can walk around the house myself . I just want to see for myself how he left things . I know this is not logical , because since Dad left , Vee has been here , Glenn has been here , the policemen have been here , detectives have been here , George and Barbara and Alyssa have been here , and maybe some other people , too . We leave Dad 's , grab a quick bite at Galloping Hill , go back to George and Barbara 's house , and go over what 's been done so far . They walked the woods by the house yesterday , and again today . They walked the woods by Washington School again this morning . They 've been driving around the neighborhood . Barb thought she saw Dad when she was out driving and looking . It was about 7AM . She was driving up by Union Station , on Morris Avenue , when she saw an elderly man walking . She slowed down , and took a good look . She couldn 't really tell ; he had his hat pulled down , and he wasn 't facing her . The man 's clothing was similar … . could it be Dad ? She got out of the car , and went up to him , looked at his face , closely . I 'd brought my staple gun and packaging tape with me from home . We have to make a flyer for posting . I ask Barb if I can use her computer . I go downstairs to work . I remember that Alyssa has recent pictures of Dad on her Facebook page - she and Dad visited the cemetery right after one of the huge snowstorms this past winter , and I know that there are a couple of full - face ones . I right - click copy the one where he and Alyssa are looking right at the camera , paste it into an image editor , and crop Alyssa out . I close in on his face and center it . I type my text , fine - tune the spacing and size of the text so it can be easily read from a passing car , and print out about a hundred of them . The first place we visit is the cemetery . We post a flyer on the tree by Mom 's grave and ask her to watch over Dad , and to please help us . We know that if he can be helped , she will see to it . We go to the office and speak to the manager ; he knows my dad . He has seen Dad visit Mom 's grave every day in every kind of weather . He says all the groundskeepers know who Dad is , too . He asks the ones on duty if they saw him . No one can remember if he was there yesterday or not . He promises to keep an eye out . I give him some flyers , and ask his permission to post some more around the cemetery . He agrees . I look back at him over my shoulder on my way out , and I catch the unguarded sadness on his face . We visit every park , every local body of water ( dementia patients are attracted to bodies of water , I had read somewhere , sometime ) every doctor 's office , school and playground that Alyssa ever went to with Mom and Dad , posting flyers . We go to Town Hall ( post , outside and in ) , to the library ( post on the bulletin board and on trees in the parking lot ) , up to Café Z to tell Patty , the owner , and leave her some flyers and our cell phone numbers . She knows Dad well - we 've had our family Thanksgiving dinners there since the year Mom died . We drive up and down endless streets , posting . We leave flyers with whomever we speak with in Union . We post more . In Westfield . In Kenilworth . In Cranford . In Garwood . The first time Dad went for a walk where the cops brought him home , they found him up by Saint Demetrios , almost three miles from his house , a few blocks away from the precinct house . That was almost three months ago , in late March . Two patrolmen just starting their midday shift saw an elderly man who seemed confused and went up to him and asked him if he was okay . He couldn 't figure out where he was , but he knew who he was and where he lived , so they took him home and called Barb at work . At about 2PM , George left a voice mail on my cell to let me know what had happened , and that he had sent Glenn over to Dad 's to look in on him and make sure he was all right . I called Dad as soon as I picked up the voice mail , but only got the answering machine ( with my mother 's voice on the outgoing message ; we 'd never changed it ) . I called Barb , and we tried to figure it out ; we thought that Dad must have been on his way to the cemetery , which meant he was walking for about four hours , if he followed his habit of leaving the house at around 8AM . He had probably just continued on Chestnut Street instead of taking the left fork on to Galloping Hill , at the Five Points intersection where Galloping Hill Road and Chestnut cross the end of Salem Road . He was found all the way up on Rahway Avenue , past the entrance to the Garden State , past the turnoff on to Stuyvesant and Cioffi 's , almost as far from the house as Alyssa 's high school and Café Z . We drive and walk and post flyers for a few more hours , all over Union . By Dad 's house . Around the corners , both ways . On Salem Road . On Chestnut Street , by his bank and the vegetable store where he buys his bananas and the Dunkin Donuts . By Eisenstat 's office on Galloping Hill Road . I am finally exhausted , and George drives me to the station so I can go home . We post flyers all along Chestnut Street as we go . Tomorrow , we will do this again . Tagscaregiving , Come to Me , Duty , elderly parents , faith , family , father , friends , grief , home , hope , joy , loss , love , Matthew 11 : 28 , mercy , missing , Missing Dad , missing persons , parents , patience , prayer , responsibility , search , search dogs , siblings , strength , trust The police meet Vee and Glenn at Dad 's house . They call me for details about Dad and where he would be likely to go . They want to know where he shops , where he banks , if he has friends he liked to see , who his doctor and dentist are , which area schools are the ones Alyssa has attended ( since he had shown up at her elementary school in his pajamas just eight days before ) , what church he attends , and anything else that might help . I have to leave soon , to go to work ; I am the manager - in - training at the Papyrus flagship store on Broadway and 76th Street in Manhattan . I am scheduled for noon until closing , which means I need to be on the 10 : 33 train . I would call out if we weren 't so short - staffed . As it is , our full - time keyholder , Mary , will be alone until I get there . Emery has a travel day and is going to be at both of his other stores giving performance reviews . Jacque isn 't scheduled until four , and since her review is supposed to be at the Columbus Avenue store , she probably isn 't even going to get to Broadway until almost five . If I call out , Mary will be alone either until Jacque comes in , or until Emery can get there . That just won 't work - that store is just too busy , and cannot run with only one person on the floor for six hours - is there anybody else who can cover me on short notice ? No . ( So , what would happen if I got hit by a truck on the way there ? Would they find someone then ? ) I 've managed the floor by myself for hours , or worked a thirteen - hour open - to - close shift when staff calls out or just doesn 't show up ; that 's precisely why I don 't do that to other people . Not even today , with this good a reason . I call Mary on my way to the train to tell her my father is missing . She said , " Oh , did they find him ? " I said , NO , HE IS MISSING . No one knows where he is . I get to Penn before eleven . I have no news from anyone . I have enough time to try to find a charger for my phone . I hadn 't charged it the night before and I 've been on it almost the whole morning . I take the local to 79th Street , stop at the T - Mobile store to see if I can find what I need . No dice - the sales associate practically laughs at my three - year - old no - frills Samsung . I try the electronics store across the street . They don 't have one either , but I do replace my broken watchstrap with a new black leather one . I never bring my cellphone on to the sales floor , but I make an exception this day . I am fielding texts from my sisters asking if there is any news , while I am emailing back and forth with my district manager and Corporate about a man who had attempted to make a fraudulent return in our store . In between , I am ringing up Father 's Day cards for customers . Frank checks in with me a couple of times , to see if I 've heard anything , to hear how I sound . He knows me better than anyone else on God 's green earth . He can pick things up in my voice that even I don 't know are there . Such are the blessings of a long - term happy marriage . " I haven 't heard anything from anyone . I 'm going to Port Authority after work , in case Dad got on a bus . " ( I 'm scared and I don 't know what else to do . ) " No news . Yes , thank you for offering , please come and close the store with Jacque . I don 't know where my father is , and I don 't know what is happening . " I grab a cab on Broadway , and I call home from my cell as the cab makes its way downtown . I am going to Port Authority on the small chance that somehow , my dad tried to come to see me in New York . Maybe he waited at our old bus stop , got on the 113S bus , got out at Port Authority and … . what ? Did I really think he could find his way to the 7 train , go to Corona , or to Flushing ? No , I didn 't . But in case he did , I need to tell the cops to be on the lookout . I hear the worry in my husband 's voice . I have to do this anyway . My mind 's ear hears him saying , " Come home now " when what he is really saying out loud is good luck , be careful . The cabdriver has overheard my conversation , and asks me if I am okay . I tell him my dad disappeared that morning and has been missing all day . I tell him why I am going to Port Authority . He asks me my father 's name so he can keep him in his prayers . We take the turn east on to 42nd Street , past Holy Cross Church , and at the southwest corner of 8th Avenue , he lets me out . I find the police station in the terminal . I speak to the desk sergeant , who asks me to take a seat and wait for the officer who will help me . She is very understanding and kind - she has heard this story before ( but it was never my story before ) . I give her a description of my father . I pull out the wallet - sized studio photo of my whole family that my brother had set up for Dad 's 80th birthday . She photocopies it . When she comes back , I tell her that the day we took the photo was the first time in twelve years that we had all been under the same roof . The only other picture I have of Dad in my wallet is the one from December 1972 , with him and Frank and me all dressed up for a gala dinner dance celebrating Our Lady of Sorrows ' 100th anniversary . In that picture , Dad is five years younger than I am now . I call my mom 's best friend , Thea , as I am leaving the police station - she works at the 110th Precinct in Corona , our old neighborhood . She still lives next door to the house I grew up in , on 42nd Avenue . She will put the word out at the 110 , just in case Dad somehow finds his way " home " to Corona . As soon as her husband hears the news about my dad , he takes a folding chair downstairs and sets it up in front of his building . He will wait there until about midnight , until he is exhausted and has to go upstairs to sleep . He is determined that , if my father comes walking down 42nd Avenue , he will intercept him and return him safely to Union , New Jersey . I won 't find this out for a while yet , but throughout the day , Frank has been trying to find ways to help me . Friday is one of his days at NYU 's School of Medicine , where he is the computer tech for a research group in the Psychiatry department . He has been asking the doctors who work there how he can best help me through whatever is coming . On his way home from work that Friday , he goes up to a police officer and tells him about my missing dad . The cop gives him an outline of what to expect and when , if Dad isn 't found on the first day . Frank is taking the long view ; he already knows that if Dad isn 't found before nightfall , the outcome is unlikely to be positive . When I get to Penn , I stop into the police station on the Long Island Railroad concourse , and tell them my story . They are very kind and , as the Port Authority police did , they take down my information . I get on the 7 : 49 Port Washington train to go home . I get in at about twenty past eight . Frank has dinner waiting for me , keeping warm on the stove . I eat , we talk . Unless we hear something tonight or early tomorrow , I will go to New Jersey in the morning to search for Dad . I will be with Barbara , George , and Alyssa . They , and Glenn , and Alyssa 's boyfriend Kevin have walked the woods by the house and near the Washington School several times already to see if they can find any sign at all of Dad . After dinner , I turn on my computer . All of us sibs and spouses discuss next steps by email . Nancy and her husband , Chris , are thinking of coming up , but I think it 's better if they stay in Maryland for the time being . Their eleven - year - old son , Grant , still has another week or so of school . Nancy and Janet ( who lives two doors down from her , with her husband Walter and their four cats ) can make calls from home - they will call hospitals , senior centers , homeless shelters , soup kitchens , urgent care centers , clinics , and any other place they can think of to see if there are any John Does matching Dad 's description . My 88 year old dad wandered off from his home and has been missing since 8AM Friday morning . He was gone when his morning caregiver arrived . Our extended family and friends and the Union County police are looking for him . I visited the station at Port Authority and talked to the PA police ( just in case he got on a bus , but I doubt it ) . I notified a friend of mine who works in our old home precinct in Corona ( just in case he tries to go back " home " ) . My father has been missing for more than sixteen hours . It 's dark out . He is almost always cold , even on hot summer days . I try not to think about this . I do not succeed . Sometime between dawn and eight AM on Friday the eleventh of June , Tony Karabaic left his home to take a walk . He locked the inside door and the porch door . He didn 't set the alarm because sometimes he would forget how to make it stop . He walked down Huntington , made a left at the corner of Livingston , and walked down past Forest Drive to the shortcut path through the woods to Salem Road . At 8 : 10 that same morning , his morning caregiver , Vee the RN , arrived . She rang the bell ; no answer . She took out her key and let herself in . She stood in the living room and called his name ; no answer . He was hard of hearing ; maybe he just didn 't hear her . His tan corduroy recliner - its worn fringed throw flung haphazardly over it - was empty . The piles of papers on the coffee table were in the same places they were in yesterday . Nothing seemed to be disturbed . There was no radio on - maybe he wasn 't at home ? She would have to look . She walked into the dining room . His pajamas were draped over the back of a dining chair . That was good - the last time he went out for an early morning walk , he was wearing his pajamas and slippers . Vee went into the kitchen . No dishes in the sink or on the table , but the bowl and glass were in the dish drainer . Had he eaten his breakfast ? Where was he ? She glanced over to the kitchen table , to see if his pills were in the gold glass ashtray on the table . There were a couple left in there - she looked to see which ones they were . Good - the afternoon and evening doses of Sinemet , his Parkinson 's med . The morning dose , the Xalatan , and the Felodipine were gone . She walked out of the kitchen to check the small bedroom , where his granddaughter Alyssa 's toys and drawings were . The high - riser bed was made up , with its hand - crocheted afghan neatly tucked beneath the foam bunker cushions , the little stuffed cats and bears neatly arranged atop them . He sometimes took a nap here later in the day , but this bed hadn 't been slept on lately . He was nowhere to be seen . Vee went back into the living room , and up the stairs . She turned left at the top of the stairs , to look in his bedroom . The room reminded her of a monk 's cell , with its spartan twin bed , simple chest , and holy pictures on the wall . The bedsheets and blankets were rumpled ; the room bore the warm , heavy scent of sleep . Okay , it looked like he had spent the night here - that was something . She went into the master bedroom , where his late wife , Georgia , used to sleep . There were papers and envelopes neatly arranged on the white chenille bedspread , but no Tony . She looked in the little office . She looked in the extra bedroom where his kids slept when they stayed for the weekend . She entered the bathroom , pulled the shower curtain aside , checked the bathtub . She went down to the basement . Those stairs were so treacherous . She walked around , both hoping to find him , and hoping not to . But he wasn 't there . The clothes he had worn the day before were also on the dining room chairs . That was another good sign . That meant he definitely hadn 't left last night - Vee had probably just missed him . Maybe he went to the store . He liked bananas , and he 'd eaten his last brown one yesterday . She went back outside to see if he was in the yard . The car was still there , but that was because the battery had died two months ago , and his children had not wanted to replace it . No one wanted him to drive anymore . She 'd heard that they 'd already talked to him about selling the car to Alyssa 's boyfriend . Vee couldn 't get into the garage , but she knocked hard on the door , and then listened to see if she could hear anything inside . Nothing . Barbara had been through something just like this with Dad the week before . In the early morning of June 2nd , he showed up at Alyssa 's old school in his pajamas and slippers . The cops had brought him back home . Vee and Glenn drove for about a half hour , crisscrossing Union . They went to the cemetery - always the first choice . Until recently , no matter what the weather was , he visited Mom 's grave every single day . It had been almost five years . As soon as she got Vee 's text , Barb emailed me that Dad was missing from the house and that Vee and Glenn were out looking . Just before I saw this in my inbox , my husband Frank came into my studio to say we 'd had a missed call from a 908 number . I figured it had to be Vee checking in , so I called her , and that 's how I found out Dad was on the move and no one knew where . It was around nine when I called them - they had been so helpful the other three times this had happened - the policemen had found him and brought him home before any one of us ever knew he was lost . The UCPD dispatcher told me they would send someone to the house . I called Vee , and Glenn , and they went back to Dad 's to meet the cops . Today , Mom would have turned 90 years old . We lost her on July 18 , 2005 , after a brutal and harrowing couple of months that I covered here , here , here , and here . I am very fortunate that in her final years on this earth , I made my peace with her and she with me ; her last words to me were " I love you , you 're my prize . " A person can live happily for a long time on a memory like that . Spring is always about my mother ; when the snowdrops start to peek out of the cold ground , and crocuses begin to unfold , the forsythia blossoms bright yellow and the Bradford pears start their bridal march up Northern Boulevard , their white blooms wafting on the warming breezes , my mother is close by . She 's never too far - there are times when I imagine I see her face in the mirror overlaying my own - but she breaks out in the spring . It 's her birthday , Greek Easter , Mother 's Day , our first communions … spring is and always has been her season . When I was a teenager and then a young adult , and thought I knew everything about everything , we rubbed each other the wrong way , often . As stubborn as my mother was ( she was , after all , born on the cusp of Aries and Taurus ) , I could match her . We would yell and carry on ; she 'd forbid me to do one thing or another , and I would do it any way . I honed my passive - aggressive skills at her knee . Those battles were great training for life . It wasn 't until I was older , and we made our peace with each other , that I recognized what a boon her fighting spirit was to me . When I was young , I felt thwarted by her restrictions and demands and opinions ; in retrospect , I see that her fighting spirit was what made my life possible . I decided sometime around the fifth or sixth grade that I wanted to go to the High School of Art and Design . The twin sisters of a grade school classmate had been accepted to A & D , and when I heard about it , I wanted nothing more than to go to a school where I could draw all the time . I told my folks , and I think they were hoping I would get over it , the way I got over wanting to be a nurse ( when I was six ) or a Maryknoll Missionary nun ( when I was eight ) . Fast forward to eighth grade , and taking the diocesan placement tests in mid - autumn ( for the Catholic high schools ) ; my choices were Mater Christi ( where almost all my friends would go ) , The Mary Louis Academy ( where my close friend Carol was trying to persuade me to go ) , and St . Agnes ( where I REALLY did not want to go , but I needed to list three schools ) . I did very well on the test , and would have no problem going to the school of my choice . In January , I had the placement test and portfolio submission for the High School of Art & Design . I 'd worked on my portfolio all during my Christmas vacation with Our Lady of Sorrows ' third grade - and - art teacher , Miss Mary Biedermann . She helped me matte all my artwork while listening to Leonard Cohen songs ( a revelation ! ) and eating brie ( ditto ! ! ) . It was a glimpse of what a student artist 's life might be like and I was hungry for it . I wondered in later years if the nuns knew that Miss Biedermann had helped me ; she did so outside of class and on her own time , in her own home . I travelled by myself on the subway with my art and supplies in hand ; she picked me up in her car near Borough Hall on Queens Boulevard to take me to her place in Richmond Hill . I do not remember how or by whom the arrangements for all of this extracurricular activity were made . Miss Biedermann wasn 't even my teacher - my middle sister Nancy was in her third grade class - but , at some point , my parents had to be involved with the planning . I remember bringing home the day 's matted work and showing what I 'd done to my mom and dad ; I remember thinking they did not really understand what I was doing , but at least they were not fighting me . At that point , I don 't they thought I would get into A & D ; they knew I loved to draw , but I don 't know how talented they thought I was , or - even if I was talented enough - whether this was a path from which I could be diverted . There were no artists in my family ; there was no road map for them , or me , to follow . They were not sold on the idea of me being an artist … but time could change things , and anyway , maybe I wouldn 't get into A & D . It wasn 't over at OLS , though ; Sister Mary Dorothy was incensed by my choice . She called my home while I was in school to speak to my mother . She yelled at my mother , carried on about how my mother was letting me ruin my life , that I wasn 't old enough to make such a choice , and on and on ; she pulled every manipulative trick in the book to try to get my mother to change her mind , or better yet , change my mind for me . Share this : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on WhatsApp ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pocket ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Reblog : What Is Love ? 11 We met for the first time in the sculpture garden of the Museum of Modern Art . I was there with my sketchbook , drawing the massive Gaston Lachaise bronze nude , an Amazon standing with her hands on her hips , surveying the territory ( I really wish I had kept those sketchbooks ) . A voice behind me asked me what I was drawing ; I turned and told him ; we introduced ourselves ; we spent the rest of the afternoon walking MOMA , showing each other our favorite paintings ; he walked me down Fifth Avenue to the subway stop by the main library on 42nd Street . He asked me for my phone number , asked if he could kiss me . I said yes , we kissed , and that was it . When I got home that afternoon , I told my mom I had met the man I was going to marry . Six years later , we did . Thirty - four years later , here we are . It all goes by so fast ; one day , you 're seventeen years old , drawing in the museum , and then you turn around and you 're middle - aged , looking back at forty years with the love of your life and praying for forty more . Some days are interminable ( days when you 're waiting for test results , days when a parent dies , or a job is lost , or you find out you have to move from a place you 've called home for twenty years ) … but how then do years fly by like torn - out pages on the wind ? Every breath , every kiss , every quarrel , every walk in the park and movie watched and meal shared , every laugh , every tear , bridges that first moment , that " What are you drawing ? " moment , with this one , right here , right now . These moments are tied together , and tie us together , like the ribbon that joined our stephana , the crowns we wore as we took our first walk as husband and wife . We have our crowns still , sewn into a linen pillowcase that I embroidered with our initials and wedding date , carefully tucked into the drawer of my maternal grandmother 's tabletop shrine . We wed at the same altar where my parents said their vows , almost twenty - five years to the day before we said ours . All these moments , and days , and years , all are joined and twined into a garland of life and love and joy and tears . And THAT is what love is . It 's made of air , water , flesh , earth , fire , time , effort , grace , joy , pain , grief , laughter , stubbornness , tenacity , art , music , dark chocolate , good red wine , and whatever else is important enough for you to feel compelled to share with your full heart and your open mind . It 's what we are here for . |
The smell hit him before he opened his eyes . The pain in his stomach had completely taken over any rational thought . In the early morning hours the sound of flapping wings and claws on the steel of the car pulled him out of his dreams . Or he thought they had . When he looked out the window , there was no sign of the nightmare birds . I 'm going insane , a small voice inside his head repeated , I 'm losing my mind . With shaking hands he pulled the picture of Lisa off the night stand and looked at it . Memorizing the color of her hair ( blonde ) , the shape of her face ( a perfect oval ) , and the small scar under her eye from an accident when she was a child . He wanted to remember every detail in case he never saw the picture again . When he was through he stood up and made the final walk out to the kitchen . The sun seemed brighter than it had all week . The cool mornings having finally given way to some of the summer heat and humidity . The smell was stronger now . Joe looked over at the kitchen table on his way to the door . Sunday night 's dinner sat there , still untouched . It was the last meal that he had even attempted to eat . He had pushed it to the middle of the table when he realized he wouldn 't be able to finish eating it . There it sat all week , rotting . Somehow he hadn 't noticed it since then , but he noticed it now . It buzzed with flies . Turning away from it he continued to the door . Both the smell and the sound of flapping wings were stronger now . At least he thought they were , Joe found he could no longer his thoughts . There was only one vulture , and maybe there had only been one all along . It sat on the trunk of the car watching Joe 's slow progress across the yard and to the drive way . Once he arrived the bird squatted down a bit and hissed , spreading his expansive wings wide . Joe did not shrink back this time , or hesitate , instead he came closer yet until the bird relented . Here , the smell was at its strongest . " Hello , this is 911 , what is your emergency ? " For a split second he considered hanging up , that he was making a mistake . The birds had been an apparition , they weren 't real . None of this was . Everything was fine . He would live a long and happy life , even if he lived the rest of it alone . Nothing bad was going to happen now . All of the bad had happened in the past . Instead he cleared his throat and gave the dispatcher his information . Without ending the call he dropped the phone on the ground . It took him a moment to get his hands to work , but he was finally able to put the key into the lock of the trunk . The familiar sound of the rustling of feathers sounded from overhead and Joe looked up at the birds , all lined up in the tree above the house , waiting , watching . With a weary certainty he opened the trunk . He had gotten used to the smell , after all he had been smelling it all week . However , upon opening the trunk it hit him again like it was the first time . Fat black flies flew out in spurts . Inside , the shape was almost unrecognizable . Blonde hair was matted to a misshapen head . Hair that Joe knew , after all , he would know his Lisa anywhere . In the distance the sirens sounded . The police would be here for him soon but he couldn 't look away from her . He had to remember every detail . He hadn 't meant for this to happen . He had only wanted to talk to her , to tell her not to leave , that he loved her . She didn 't understand , she wouldn 't listen to what he was saying . It wasn 't the first time they had fought and she had walked out . But it was the first time that he believed she wouldn 't come back , that it was truly over . It couldn 't be over , he loved her . He loved her so much . So he tried to make her stay . He did everything he could but in the end she only stopped when she fell . When she tried to get back up he pushed her down again , and again , and again . Finally , she did stay . Now she could never leave . The lights were just barely visible through the trees as the police came down the street . Even then , with the sirens at their loudest as the police pulled into the driveway , Joe was able to hear the sound of the birds . He looked up and watched as they flew away . Hundreds of them , they cast a shadow over the yard as they rose into the air . Joe raised his hands above his head as the officers instructed . They approached him cautiously , looking from him , to the trunk , to the sky where his eyes were still fixated . He made no attempt to respond to their inquiries and did not resist when they locked the handcuffs on his wrist . His eyes never left the empty sky . The first thought he had upon waking was that something was amiss . Everything was just as he left it , but at the same time , nothing looked as it should . Although early morning , the light was all wrong . The sun was too low , too close , too bright . It was as if it sat directly outside his window , shining just for him . It hurt his eyes and beat directly into his head . It acted as a spot light and directed his attention to the worst of the pain . His throat still throbbed dully , but it felt more like a tether that held together the two real pains , his head and stomach . Pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes , he rolled into a fetal position . This was it , he thought , something was seriously wrong with him . Between throbs of hot pressure Joe wept . He begged and pleaded for death , for the birds to finally take him . The birds roared from outside his window . Dozens of them flapping their large wings just out of sight , causing the curtains to stir . Causing the air to smell like the rotting flesh that stuck to their talons . He imagined it , bits of scavenged flesh , stuck on their feathers and claws . Rising heat was the only warning Joe had before he leaned over and let bile spew from his mouth . Sweet relief hit him immediately and the burning seemed to recede momentarily to some searing pinpoint within him . Click click click , came again from outside . Without cleaning up his mess he rolled back to the other side of the bed and pulled the covers up around him . There he remained , unmoving and unseeing , as the day went on . Time passed by and still he laid in that bed , the covers pulled up to his ears , trying to drown out the birds . The birds that had come for him . The birds that only he could hear . The end of chapter four . There were four birds sitting on the car when Joe looked out the window that morning . He had skipped his coffee and went straight to the sink to push back the curtain . They looked at him , as though they had been there all morning , just waiting for the curtain to move . He walked outside and waved his arms wildly at the car , trying to quietly chase the birds away . One took off immediately , two more fled when Joe was only a few feet away , but one remained , unfazed . It spread its massive wings as they both stood , stock still , neither willing to make the first move . Finally , with a hiss , the bird caved in and launched itself unceremoniously into the sky . Joe 's eyes followed it for a moment before his entire body went ridged . His mind went blissfully blank as his body stiffened , shook , and then collapsed . Not much time had passed , the sun was still low in the sky and the air held onto the early morning chill . At first Joe thought he was still in bed and had dreamt the whole weird scene with the birds . Maybe it had all been a dream and he would find himself snuggled up with Lisa , both of them wishing for just a few more hours in bed together . When he turned his head to look at the clock on his nightstand ( next to Lisa 's picture ) , the pain brought him back to reality . He was still in his front yard , shielded from the street by a row of arborvitaes and trees that he had never known the name of . The front yard was mostly secluded . He could have laid there for days and no one would have noticed . Slowly he sat up and felt around his head . His fingers came away clean . Once he was satisfied that he wasn 't badly injured , and wouldn 't fall back down , he rose up and headed back inside the house . His vision warped in and out on him but he made it back to the bedroom without further incident . From the safety of his bed he used his cell phone to call the office and let them know that he was coming down with something and wouldn 't make it in today . Squeezing his eyes closed he tried to make his head stop swimming . The pain in his throat had also returned but it was nothing compared to the burning in his stomach . Rolling onto his side he laid in his bed staring at the photo of Lisa . Outside there was a click click click but he ignored it . He watched her until his eyes gave out and eventually closed . Once he was asleep the dreams came . At first they were pleasant . They were of the two of them when they first started dating . The memories that they consisted of were not real , the events had not actually taken place . They had never stayed in a cabin on a lake , yet that 's where the dreams took him . The two of them sitting on a dock at sunset , watching as deer came out from the woods and down to the water to take a drink . Lisa 's head on Joe 's shoulder , the two of them sitting n happy silence . The birds were flying overhead and into the distance . Their silhouettes against the sun , casting shadows over the water , gentle chirping fading with the light . In his room , Joe tossed and turned . No chirping had followed through his dreams , but there were birds here as well . Through the window came the soft flapping of wings on the wind and the occasional scraping as the birds touched down outside the house . Click click click . Their numbers grew as Joe slumbered on . He and Lisa , together once more , in his dreams . It was another cool morning and Joe was having a hard time getting out of bed . The windows had been left open again last night and a chill had settled in the house . He laid in bed with the blankets pulled up around his shoulders , glad that he had yet to swap out his winter flannel sheets for the lighter cotton ones . To add to his troubles , had woken up with a sore throat as well . He took a moment to consider calling out of work , he could blow a personal day and just lay in bed for the rest of the day . Thinking better of it , he kicked off the covers and got up to start his day . All the bones in his back cracked as he stretched out the kinks from the night before , the crack crack crack the only noise inside the small bedroom . His eyes flitted over to the nightstand where a framed photo sat next to a glass of water . Reaching out he took the water without giving the frame more than a passing glance . There was no need to look too closely at the picture , he had every detail memorized . The long honey colored hair that hung just past Lisa 's shoulders . The small scar on her right cheek . The large happy smile . Putting the water back on the night stand he cleared his throat . It took a moment or two before he was able to push the painful memories out of his head . The thoughts had nearly paralyzed him . The longing and sadness warming his chest and creating a hot lump that he could not swallow down . But it passed , he had gotten better at swallowing his feelings down . The sadness , the anger , the shame . Joe found himself once again lost in thought at the kitchen table when the sound came . Click click click through the kitchen window . He was tempted to stay where he was and not look upon that ugly visage again , but curiosity won out . As Joe rose he swayed slightly , his vision clouding for a moment . " Woah . " He whispered as he steadied himself on the back of the chair . The sore throat from earlier this morning had abated but with the darkening vision the pain came back . He cleared his throat and moved to sit back down when the click click click came again . Click click click . Walking to the window , Joe pulled back the curtain . The bird from yesterday was back , but he was not alone . There were now two of the large carrion birds sitting on the roof of his car . Both of them had turned towards the movement when he pushed back the curtain . Their beaks seemed larger than they should be as they glared at him . Joe cleared his throat once more , maybe a little louder than he normally would have , hoping to startle them away . Instead they looked back at him with mild interest . The darkness threatened to cloud his vision again as he stood there . Joe hung his head as he gripped the sides of the sink and closed his eyes , willing the darkness away . After a moment his vision cleared and he looked out the window , the birds both gone now , as if they had never been there in the first place . Filling a glass with water he took a few deep gulps and looked warily at his car . When he was sure that neither the birds , nor the darkness , were going to return he put the glass in the sink and left for work . The driveway sat empty until dark . Joe pulled in and turned off the engine , sitting quietly in the dark for a moment before making a move to go into the house . He was still shaken up from what had just happened in the parking lot at work . He had felt poorly all day . The dizziness coming and going . After considering leaving early to go home and rest , he decided to stick it out . When the day had finally come to an end and he was able to walk out that door he was relieved . But that relief was short lived , because as he walked through the semi - dark parking lot to get to his car he discovered that he was not alone . Something moved quickly near his car . A moment later his eyes had fully adjusted to the gloom and he saw what had caused the movement . A vulture had been sitting in the shadow of his tire . The vulture , having seen Joe , crouched down and spread its wings wide and shifted its weight from side to side , click click click . Joe stopped in his tracks . He and the bird remained motionless , their eyes locked together . A hiss came from the bird , low and angry . A warning to Joe , " Don 't come closer " it said . Or , Joe thought , maybe it was saying , " Come on in . It 's cool in here . It 's cool and dark . " An invitation . Stomping his foot and breaking eye contact he waved the bird away and hissed back , " Get lost . " The bird held his ground for one more moment before pushing off and taking flight . The sound of the large wings flapping through the otherwise quiet night made Joe shudder . Now Joe sat in his driveway , trying to shake the fear he felt in opening the door to get into his house . He was beginning to feel poorly again , and although the night air was cool , his skin felt flushed . In the end , the desire to get in and lay down outweighed his fears . He pushed himself out the car and into the house . Once inside the house the fear abated and he almost felt silly . Maybe it wasn 't a vulture in the parking lot . It was dark and he hadn 't been feeling well . Hadn 't been feeling well for a few days now , actually . Maybe I am coming down with something , he thought as he walked through the house turning on a light in each and every room . Joe pulled the covers up to his neck as he got into bed later that night , shivering slightly at the cold air coming through the window . He was suddenly exhausted and desperate for sleep . His eyes fluttered twice before he closed them for good . Just before his conscious thoughts slipped away for the evening , he registered two things . The first was that the pain in his throat had spread down , sending an unfamiliar burning towards his stomach . The second was that in the distance , he heard the flutter of wings and a soft click click click . Joe was sitting at the kitchen table when he first heard the noise . It was so quiet that at first he didn 't even notice . He had been sitting still , lost in thought . His hand wrapped around his cooling cup of coffee . It was early summer and most mornings were still cold enough to need a jacket . Although the night had been chilly , he had left the windows open throughout the house . The noise was now coming through one of those open windows . A steady click click click came softly through the kitchen window . Joe rose and walked to the sink and pushed the curtains aside . Outside it was early morning and the sun was shining through the trees . A slight glare was reflecting off of his car . Shielding his eyes , he tried to locate the source of the noise . It didn 't take too long . Perched on the roof of his car sat a very large bird . No , Joe thought , not just a bird , a vulture . As if naming it had called his attention , the vulture looked towards the window where Joe stood . It shifted its weight and stepped side to side , issuing another click click click . An involuntary shudder went through Joe as he watched . The vulture sat as tall as a medium sized dog . Its wings were pulled up around its neck . A neck which held up a hideous red face that was looking in Joe 's direction . A darkness seemed to seep towards the car . Shade fell over the house and over the vulture . Spreading his wings wide , the bird flapped twice and then took off into the air , not bothering to cast another look back in Joe 's direction . Joe 's hand was still holding back the curtain as he watched the massive bird fly up into the sky . The darkness had receded and the sun was shining back down as if it had never left at all . The bird continued to rise up until he was out of sight . Joe only gave the bird one more thought as he let the curtain fall back into place and dumped his half full coffee mug into the sink . That can 't be a good sign . Turning back to the recently vacated table he tried to remember what he had been doing before he 'd noticed the clicking . A dull headache bloomed slowly behind his eyes . Rubbing his temples , he looked around again . He 'd been getting ready to leave for work and thought of something he had to do but he had forgotten it just as quickly . Lisa always said that he was good for that , losing his train of thought . Sometimes she would tell him that his thought train had crashed . / 0 Comments For the first time since I had built it , I found myself outside relaxing on my new deck . It had taken two months of weekends and late nights after work to get it built , and I was finally about to get a chance to enjoy it . I was only about ten minutes into full on relaxation , head back , feet up , when I noticed something on the wood towards the edge of the deck . With an exasperated , and maybe a little melodramatic , sigh I threw my legs back down off the ottoman and got up to investigate . The closer I got the clearer it became that it wasn 't an object sitting on the wood like I had originally assumed , but what appeared to be a hole in the actual timber . " Damn . " I whispered . Getting down on my hands and knees , I leaned over the gouge that was ruining the beauty of my lounge space . Suddenly , from the dark below I saw something move . I leaned in closer and saw the briefest flash of light . My interest piqued and my frustration almost forgotten , I leaned even closer so that my eye was almost up against the opening . " What the … " I did not get to finish my thought as there was another flash of light . I began gently picking at the sides of the hole . My desire to see more of what was going on under the deck momentarily outweighing reason . The hole appeared mildly rotted around the edges and came apart easily as I touched it . Without warning the light came back and shone brightly into my face . I fell backwards , startled . Spots clouded my vision from where the too bright light had seared my eyes . Slowly I pushed up from my elbows to a sitting position . Light had begun to glow up through all the slats in the deck 's boards now . Reality came back to me at once . This was weird . The time for curiosity had turned into the time for fear . The glowing light had intensified as it came from the ground . At first it was just warm , but it had become hot , and then scorching as it lit up my bare feet and short clad legs . Screaming in pain I fell down , my whole body now feeling like it was burning up . Then blessedly , there was nothing . The light was gone . The burning was gone . Time had passed . It was no longer a beautiful fall day , but now a chilly winter night . The sky felt low and menacingly dark . My eyes darted around the porch and out into what I could see of the yard . All the grass was dead and the trees had completely lost their leaves . It looked as if months had passed in those few moments of pain and blindness . Rising , I cautiously looked back to the hole . It was now dark below . I looked around the yard again . It was actually dark above too . The sky was void of stars and even the streetlights remained unlit . For the first time I turned to look at my house . From the end of the deck , in the darkness , the place didn 't just seem empty , it seemed abandoned . Shakily , I walked towards my rear door , but stopped just short of it . There was another gouge in the deck . For a moment I just stared , afraid that the painful light was going to return and blind me once more . My breath was caught in my throat as I waited for something to happen . When the light didn 't shine after a minute or two I took another step forward . I walked cautiously around the new hole , looking into it the entire time , afraid to look away . The light still didn 't come , so I continued to the door . My hand was only on the knob long enough to feel the cool copper register on my burnt skin before I heard the noise . It interrupted the all too still night air . Looking around , I tried to locate the direction from which it came . As the noise grew I realized that it had actually been there all along , just at a much lower volume . My heart began to race . Fear once again lifting the fog that was settled over my brain . This was not right . Nothing was right . The porch began to vibrate . It was slight at first but then it picked up . I was reminded of that summer during my childhood when I would walk the train tracks alone behind our trailer park . It felt like a train was coming . I was still facing the door when the light returned . I practically fell into the house trying to save myself from being burned alive . The light was now pouring into the house through the windows . It filled up the entire room like a liquid would . Just as the noise reached its crescendo the frame of the house began to shake . Pictures fell off the walls and furniture vibrated across the floor . I lay there with my hands covering my head , trying to protect my face from the shattering glass . The house and I cried out as one , and then , there was silence . Tentatively I uncovered my face . When nothing terrifying happened , I sat up . Everything was in shambles . My kitchen table was overturned , the couch was on the other side of the room , and the walls were barren save for a few nails that once held photos . Shaking the glass shards off my shoulders and out of my hair , careful not to cut myself , I walked back to the door . Everything was quiet , even the dull rumble was silenced . My ears were still ringing from the noise of it all and I looked backed out of what was once a window , onto the deck , and into the yard . It was no longer a cold winter 's night , it now appeared to be a dreary spring morning . It was raining and chilly . The wind blew the smell of fresh flowers into my now dilapidated home . Out on the deck I saw that there were now even more holes , and to my horror , they were bigger . I opened the door and stepped gingerly onto the porch , mindful of the glass in my socks . I stepped further out , still ready to run back in at the first sign of the light . I took a deep breath and took another step outside . The rain blew into my face with every strong gust of wind . It felt good on my seared flesh . With great trepidation I made my way over to the first hole . I looked into it with squinted eyes . Afraid that the light might come back , hungry for more skin , more destruction , more time . Whatever the light was coming for , whatever it was that the light was eating , I just wanted it to stop . I just wanted back to my warm fall day , lounging peacefully with my feet up on the ottoman . Back to the reality I had known only minutes before ( or had it been days … or months ) . Gradually , a new sound began to rise from below . I turned to run too late . Instead of getting away from the hole I fell into it . I hit the ground with a thud , jolted all the way down to my bones with the impact . I laid there for a second in the complete darkness , utterly still . I couldn 't move at first . Either fear or pain was keeping me incapacitated . I didn 't care , I no longer wanted to move . I don 't know how long I laid there on the cold ground with my eyes squeezed shut , wishing myself back into reality . Wishing myself anywhere but here . Before long there came another noise . Not a rumbling , but a moaning . It took me a moment to realize that it was a person and , to my complete astonishment , that it wasn 't me . " Hello ? " I croaked . " Hello , is someone down here with me ? " I waited for a reply but none came . " Hello ? " Pause . " Is anyone down here ? " I sounded so pathetic that I couldn 't call out again . It hurt my pride just to hear myself sound that way ; the pain , the fear , the confusion . From further away I heard the moaning again . I stood up carefully but my head began to spin anyway . I took a tentative step forward , then two , and pretty soon I was slowly walking towards the new location of the noise . It took about a dozen steps before I heard the noise again . It was much closer this time . Close enough that I felt more comfortable with a whisper , " Hello ? " Nothing , " Hello ? " I strained my ears as much as I could and I held my breath , waiting . There was a rustling , almost like fabric on fabric , then there was a click and a blinding light . I cried out automatically , flashbacks of the other light immediately coming to mind . A moment passed and I was still cowered , covering my face , and groaning . The light was still shining but it was a different kind of light . This light was shaky , and it wasn 't burning my skin . Removing my hands from my face I looked directly into it . I felt anger for the first time in , well , I didn 't know how long it had been since I 'd fallen through the deck . It had only felt like a few moments but I could tell even in the dark that my nails were longer . My once clean shaven face no longer felt hairless . " What ? " A young man answered . " What are you on about ? " The man 's voice sounded so young that I should actually have been thinking of him as a boy . He had the light in one hand and the other hand was poised impatiently on his hip . Impatient ? Him ? With me ? " What is going on here ? " I demanded . He took a step back , dropped his hand from his hip , and made a disgusted noise . Then he turned on his feet and took off , the light bobbing away with him as he ran . I tried to run after him but I was already so weak and disoriented that I quickly lost sight of him . " Where are you going ? " I cried out " Come back here ! Please don 't go ! " But the light slowly faded completely from view . I sat back down and put my head in my hands and sobbed openly . More time passed . Eventually I got back up and began walking . Everything was silent . Not even the sound of my footsteps was audible . I walked with my head down and my shoulders slumped in the dark . I cried softly off and on until I didn 't have any more tears left inside me . Who knew how long had gone by since that warm fall day . My once tightly shorn hair was now down to my shoulders and my nails were long and claw like . I stumbled through the dark , my clothes still surprisingly intact , but socks threadbare across the bottom . More time passed . I slept . I dreamt . I opened my eyes and it took a moment for my pupils to dilate . At first I thought I had been dreaming again . I looked around , this time my eyes fully adjusted thanks to a bit of murky light . Finally I was able to see the walls of the place that I was in . It appeared that I was in a tunnel . People were walking on either side of me . " Oh my God . " I breathed , " Oh my God . " There were hundreds upon hundreds of people with me in the tunnel . They were all walking straight ahead just as I had been . I spun around looking for help . " Hey ? " I said urgently , " Hey ! " The man next to me continued to walk with his head down , looking at his feet . Reaching out I gave him a bit of a shove to roust him from his daze . He grunted and looked up at me . His long overgrown hair flapped up and caught the woman next to him in the face . She was staring at me as well . I looked around and now everyone was looking directly at me . Every face in the crowd had turned towards mine in the few moments since I had called out . Together we all slowed and eventually came to a stop . I took a deep breath and once again tried to engage someone , anyone , in conversation . They all continued to look blankly at me . Then all together they closed their eyes . I stood there , anxiously awaiting whatever was going to come next when they all spoke in union . " Be quiet . Can you tell we 're thinking ? " I jumped at the sound of thousands of voices speaking at once . They all slightly twitched with me . I look a step back and so did everyone else . I turned my head to look behind me and once more they moved in unison . I took a few steps backwards and was mirrored yet again . The back of my neck tightened with the wrongness of it all . Trying to run away , I tripped , and the horde crashed down on top of me . Drowning in the sea of people I screamed . My only answer was the scream of the thousands of people that surrounded me . With every attempt to push people off of me they pushed me down further , " Help me ! " I gasped with my last breath . " Honey , you 're going to burn . " I felt someone 's hands on my shoulder . I sat up with a scream caught in my throat . My heart was racing so fast that my hands were shaking . " Baby , are you okay ? " My wife was looking down at me , silhouetted by the high fall sun . Throwing my hand up to shade my eyes I nodded , and tried to catch my breath . " You 've been out here a little while and you 're not wearing sun screen . I don 't want you to burn . " She looked around the deck then back down at me and smiled warmly . " I 'm running out to the store . I 'll be back in a little bit . I just wanted to let you know . " She leaned down and gave me a kiss and then walked back into the house . I could hear her pick her keys up off the kitchen table as she did so . A few minutes later I heard the front door open and close and then in another few moments , the car started . My heart rate was finally beginning to slow and I leaned head back . This time I didn 't close my eyes . The dream was still too fresh in my mind and I was too afraid to fall back asleep and end up in the dark again . I looked around , taking in the beauty of the day with new more appreciative eyes , and signed deeply full of relief . It was just a dream . I was about to get up when I noticed something . There was an object over on the far side of the porch . Slowly I swung my feet off of the ottoman and walked towards it . The closer I got the clearer it became that it wasn 't an object at all but a hole in the wood of the deck . Somewhere , from down below , came a rumble … / 2 Comments A long time ago there was a tall , strong tree . It stood separate from all the other trees alone in the clearing . One day a little boy came into the clearing . His cheeks were rosy from the wind and his chestnut hair was disheveled . There was a bit of a golden fall leaf crushed in his hair . He looked around the clearing and his almond colored eyes fell onto the big oak . Staring at it for a moment , a calm came over his angst ridden young face . Taking a deep breath , he walked toward the tree . Once he was directly in the shade from its leaves , he looked up the massive trunk , and all the way to the tips of the branches . His strong jaw agape . Stepping back he took another deep breath , and then began pummeling the trunk with his small fists . He screamed at the tree and kicked it as hard as he could . Little flecks of spit flew out of his open mouth and onto the tree 's rough bark . He said horrible things to the tree . He called it childish names and told the tree that it was stupid . He punched it until the bark was red with blood and his hands were raw . After a while the boy grew tired and he slumped down the trunk of the tree to rest at the base . The grass felt cool on his hot back as he stared through the tree 's leaves and into the clear sky . A breeze was picking up and his chest seemed to rise and fall in tune with the swaying foliage . Time passed slowly as he laid there and it was nearing twilight when he finally sat up . Rising slowly , his slight frame cracking from the lack of movement , he looked up at the tree once more . He took a deep breath , turned , and walked about out of the clearing the same way he came . Leaving nothing behind to reveal his visit except the crimson tinted oak . A few weeks went by . It rained , it got cooler , and night came on earlier . Fall had officially arrived . The boy returned , consumed by anger . He attacked the tree in the same fit of blind rage . Screaming . Spitting the words out like some vile taste in his mouth . Using his fists to pound the hate from his young body and into the tree . He left in the same manner as before , with no telltale signs of the anger he had shown towards the tree left in his face . About a week went by before he came back , his hand now wrapped up in white bandages . Attacking the tree in what had become his customary manner . Screaming , crying , and telling the tree how much he hated it . White bits of bandage remained behind on the bark as he walked out of the clearing , tinted in places by the red of his blood . Not even a full week passed before he was back . His hands wrapped in new gauze and one encased in a clean cast . This time he walked into the clearing with a baseball bat at his side . The bat swung at the tree with a new passion . First , he was only swinging with his good hand . Then getting caught up in the rage , he swung with both . Bits and pieces of bark flew from the tree as if he had gone at it with a chain saw . The bat cracked and he gave up on it and began flailing with his feet . Kicking so hard that he was driving bits of bark into his already scuffed sneakers . Dusk approached just as he let out a final shriek and sent the bat soaring into the forest . It flew through the air and smacked into another tree , knocking loose the few remaining leaves . The boy was away for a while , almost a month . The first snow had fallen , and the forest was empty for all the animals were sleeping until spring , when the boy finally returned . His cast was gone and his hand was unwrapped . There were pink scars still visible , but nothing that wouldn 't heal completely with time . He walked into the clearing , bundled in a brown drab winter coat , thread barren across the shoulders . Walking up to the tree he commenced what had become the ritual . He beat his hands bloody and screamed his throat raw at least once a week all that winter . Spring had begun in the forest . Everywhere was alive with color . The leaves were returning and the ground had thawed making room for the fresh sprouts to grow . The boy returned often , but less than he had in the winter . He came and went , never leaving more than his bloody handprints on the forest walls . Spring ended , summer began , and it continued . Summer ended , fall began , and it continued . The boy grew , and it continued . Years went by , seasons changed . He came more , he came less , but he always came . The tree had always been there , standing tall . Through the years , the leaves began to fall sooner , and return later . They seemed to come back a little less shiny . Spots and streaks began to show in them . The deep green became tarnished by maroons and reds . The bark never quite grew back either , leaving the trunk permanently exposed to the seasons . First the grass was just trampled around the oak , but in later years it ceased to grow back all together , leaving only an earthen carpet for the boy to lie upon . The boy showed his wear too . The sores that never healed on his hands , the clothes that were chronically grass stained , and the soles of his shoes that were splintered with wood . Although he always left the tree with a look of serenity , he always arrived with a look of absolute pain . His eyes always showing everything he couldn 't say , even to the tree . This continued for fifteen years . In the rain , in the snow , during the day , during the night . He 'd even come on those cold winter nights that the stars don 't even like to come out on for fear of the wind 's sharp bite . More years went by and the tree seemed to get worse . The leaves that were once merely tarnished by shades of red now seemed infected by them . The boy , now a man , had exposed the tree to several harsh winter freezes by both the barren ground and the balding bark . Each year fewer and fewer leaves came back until none came back at all . The grass had long since died all around the lone tree . The long growing branches that once reached for the sky became brittle and broke in strong gusts of wind . Not even bugs would infest the roots of the decaying tree . It was as though it was being eaten by something far worse . When the wind would blow on especially silent nights , a howl would come from the tree . The man who once broke his hand on the tree now broke the tree with his hand . One chilly fall day the man headed through the woods and into the clearing . His almond colored eyes searching for the big oak . Only , the massive oak was now on its side , the roots partially sticking into the air like some gaping mouth with crooked teeth . Tears streamed down his wind burned cheeks as he stumbled over to the tree and began crying in earnest . Not the tears that he usually fertilized the tree with , but tears of remorse . Collapsing to his knees , and then falling backwards , he laid on the barren ground looking up and into the fall sky . He let out a cry so grievous that the birds flying above scattered . There he remained well into the night . The magnitude of his loss had not even begun to fully take shape as the wind picked up and howled around the dead tree . The howl sounded like the tree 's own cries of remorse . The man rose and left the clearing , never looking back at the shell of the oak . A long time ago there was a tall strong tree . It stood separate from all the other trees , alone in the clearing . One day a little boy came into the clearing . / 0 Comments The tires made thumping sounds as they rode over the reflectors on the street . The noise was constant and soothing . I sat up from my slumped position in the back seat and stretched out my neck . It was dark out and I had no idea how long I had been sleeping . Mommy and daddy were awake and watching the road in the front seat . I flushed with embarrassment at the thought of them as mommy and daddy . I am not a baby . I 'm not even a kid , really . I 'm almost a teenager and they are just mom and dad now . Mom and dad . Mom and dad . As usual neither of them were speaking . The car was thick with silence . The radio wasn 't even on ( they could never agree on what to listen to , so they usually drove in silence ) . From the new vantage point of sitting up I was able to look out the window into the other lanes next to me as we drove through the night in the oppressive silence . I probably could have put on my head phones and played my own music off of my cell phone ( which was not loud , tuneless , or garbage , thank you very much ) without attracting much attention , but it hardly seemed worth the effort of getting sucked into a forced conversation about whatever topic my mom latched onto tonight . Moss was what we talked about on the drive out . Moss . While hosting this internal monologue I noticed the car in the lane next to ours was driving the same exact speed . It only struck me as noticeable because my daddy ( dad , dad , dad ! ) always said that the left lane was for being an asshole and the right lane was for people that actually had sense . Rubbing the sleepers out of my eyes and letting out a long , but ever so soundless , yawn I took in everything around me . We were probably still an hour from home . We had spent most of the day and some of the night at my aunt 's house dealing with all of her drama . What drama we were there dealing with , well , nobody would tell me . My dad always said that his sister just needed the right combination of love and whiskey . My mom said that she just needed the right woman and she wouldn 't need the love or the whiskey . I happen to know that my aunt has a very good friend name Susan that is a woman and she is very smart and right most of the time . However , I do not know her preferences on whiskey . Since my mom and dad usually only say these things after a few glasses of wine and when they forget that I 'm still within ear shot , I 'm assuming that mean something else that they think I 'm too young for . There were only two people in that car next to us . A boy driving and a girl in the passenger seat . They mirrored our car in that they weren 't talking either , just like my parents . The girl looked out the window at my dad , probably thinking the same thing about us . I gave another flush of embarrassment at the thought that she was thinking we thought they were assholes , and that we were all high and mighty thinking that we had so much sense . Her eyes made their way to the back seat where she noticed me . She was pretty , far prettier than I was and almost as pretty as my mom , just a lot younger . There was a moment where I could see a sadness flicker across her face , and then everything brightened and she smiled at me . Suddenly , she was sticking her tongue out . I giggled , then I looked cautiously at the front seat to see if my parents had noticed . I didn 't want them to look back and yell at me for associating with strangers . Again . You have one conversation with an old man in the mall food court and suddenly you have no idea what it 's like out in the world . Seriously , it was like they couldn 't accept the fact that I was almost a teenager . It was safe , they were both still very absorbed in the road . Both sitting ramrod straight in their seats , looking out toward where the headlights pointed . Daring to look back at her I almost laughed out loud . Now she was making fish lips at me . I giggled again , but softly this time , and she continued to make faces at me . We went on this way for a little while . Without warning she turned around to look at the boy . He was saying something to her , something angry . I strained my eyes to see what it was but she had moved her head in front of his . I knew from TV that boys could be awfully pissy . Which was a word that they could say on TV but that I couldn 't say , which was stupid . Their car began to speed up . She turned to look back at our car but now her face was sad for a moment and then it was far enough ahead that I was having trouble catching her expression in the dark . As they began to accelerate further she put her hand on the window . Dew formed all around the outline of it . I could just make out that she was sticking her tongue out as they pulled away from us for good . Quickly , I faced forward again and slouched back down , pretending to still be asleep . I was thinking that she probably didn 't have to go anywhere , she probably just wanted to stay and make faces at me . Her boyfriend was probably just being pissy with her . From under my partially veiled eyelids I could see the tail end of their car . It was blue , or maybe black , and I could see the headlights sinking into the hill . She was gone and I was alone again . I must have fallen back asleep because we were stopped and the last thing I remembered we were moving right along . I sat up as we slowly began to move . My neck was stiff again and it was hard to look out the window . There was an accident . We were stuck in a stop and go pattern because the police officers were still walking around putting flares out . Actually it was more like a stop and slow pattern . Which is something my mom said quietly to my dad , but I didn 't catch his response . The only interesting things they ever had to say were said very loud and clear . Since neither one of them had bothered to look into the back seat at me , I assume they thought I was still asleep anyway . Pressing my face up against the window , I got a better look at the accident . There was only one car . From the looks of it , it had gone off the road and hit one of the trees in median of the interstate . The police had blocked off the left ( asshole ) lane with flares and were working on getting everyone merged into the right ( sense ) lane . One was even standing out in our car 's lane a few feet ahead of the accident . He looked into the back seat and directly at me . Smiling he waved a bright orange flare at me in a tantalizing fashion . He was waving it away from the accident , and it almost distracted me enough to look away from the wreck . That orange flare had a very convincing argument , but I was drawn to the mangled car . Another police officer stood close to it . I pulled my legs under myself to boost up high enough to see what he was standing over . Just as I got up high enough to see what it was he placed a sheet down . There was already a sheet down on the hood of the car . A large lump under it . I couldn 't make too much more out because it was further from the flashing lights of the cars and more hidden in the darkness of the trees . The closer sheet was over the passenger side . It was almost twenty feet away but I could still make out some of the details . We were stopped again . The orange flared police officer had walked all the way in front of us . There was something in the road that he was slowly approaching . I didn 't give him , or the object of his attention , too much more thought because there was something else . Something that my brain was still trying to wade through under the passenger 's sheet . Mommy and daddy had finally begun speaking in those perfectly clear voices from the front seat , but I continued to focus on the girl and the sheet . The girl and the sheet . Now I noticed that her door wasn 't just open , it was gone . The wind had picked up and the sheet was rippling over her . We started to move again . The police officer with the flare was now carrying a blue car door . The glass was all busted out of it and pieces glittered on the asphalt . Slowly we started to move past the blue car and I had turn around to be able to see it . " You aren 't angry at her anymore . " I whispered , my breath fogging up the window . " She 's not making faces and you 're not angry at her anymore . " I stared out the rear window until I could no longer see the blue and red flashing lights . Until the orange glow of the flares had settled into the road like the sun setting down on the ocean . My heart had been racing but it was slowly returning to normal . Turning around I settled back into my seat and looked out onto the road ahead of us again . The yellow stripes seemed to be getting sucked under our car as we drove . Watching them , mesmerized , my eyelids once more became veiled . Trying to ignore that deafening sound of silence , I let only the rumbling of the road in . Closing my eyes , I just listened to the sound the tires made as they rode over the reflectors on the street . The noise was constant and soothing . / 0 Comments Walking slowly , as if she was dreaming , Shelly moved towards the door at the back of the trailer . In fact , this had to be a dream . What she had just seen , she thought , well there was simply no way that this was real life . There was another flapping sound . The door leading to the room at the end of the small building was closed , but moments ago she saw it hanging open slightly . She had been sitting on the couch in the living room when a movement from the corner of her vision caught her attention . What she thought she was seeing was insane , but none the less , a small creature scurried along the floor . It had been standing just in front of the door in the process of creeping into the living room when she originally saw it . It let out a quiet gasp , then dashed back into the bedroom . It was furry , like a long haired cat , but shaped more like a raccoon . He ( she had begun to think of it as male at once ) could have been either of those animals , except for the color , which was a vibrant green . The creature had softly closed the door and was now barricaded in her bedroom . The wing sound fluttered again . Slowly , while thinking maybe this really was a dream , she rose from the couch and started towards the door . For the first time today she wished that she wasn 't home alone . Her mother was at work . She was home from school because they had the day off . Her plan for the day had been a TV marathon , and then once it was a bit later , she planned to meet up with her friend Mackenzie . Mac lived a few streets over with her mother and her younger sister Brianna . They were going to get together at the playground in the back of the trailer park after lunch . Probably sneaking a cigarette or two from their mom 's and talking about boys . Now all of that was pushed far out of her mind as she heard the soft flapping of wings again . Her hand reached out towards the door knob . She waited for the briefest of moments before turning it . Being fifteen she was in that perfect place of being young enough to have no sense of self - preservation and old enough to know that there was probably a rational explanation for what was going on . The door opened into the room and the day light brightened the dark hallway . It took a moment for her eyes to adjust from the sot light of the TV in the darkened living room to the bright light coming in from the two large windows . Unlike how she left the room this morning , the curtains were pulled all the way open . Bright daylight flooded the room . The fluttering sound came again and now it was easy to see where it had come from . The creature that had closed the doors now hovered up at mid window level . The windows had been cranked open and the screen was out . Shelly tried to focus on the animal as it vibrated slowly in the light . It made soft chirping noses . There was no fear when she looked at him , just awe . He was small , cute , and fantastic looking . Shelly desperately wanted to pet him , but had a feeling that it would be rude . The chirping became more urgent and his paw was now pointing towards the window , gesturing wildly at what was beyond . Just then Mrs . Norris , the old lady from the trailer next door , walked into view . She was looking at something Shelly couldn 't see . Trying to get a better look , she walked closer to the window . Mrs . Norris must have seen the movement because her eyes came down from the school and she locked eyes with Shelly . " Close the windows , you fool girl " She hissed " Lock up . Don 't let it in . " And then , much more urgently and with a shudder , " Run ! ! " Shelly stayed rooted there long enough to see Mrs . Norris start to lamely back pedal as a shadow fell over her . Something was coming close and the shadow was getting larger . Shelly didn 't wait to see what it was . The critter she had begun to think of as Rocky disappeared through the open window with one last pleading ( at least that 's what she thought ) shriek cast back at her , and then flew towards Mrs . Norris 's house . Shelly took two steps backwards before she fell over a pair of discarded shoes on floor . The window was completely out of her field of vision when Mrs . Norris began to scream . By the time her screams turned into a wet gurgle Shelly had passed through the door way and was frantically crawling back across the living room The trailer was , from end to end , seventy feet . Shelly 's bedroom on one side , her mother 's on the other . Right before her mother 's door was the front door . Shelly crawled as quickly as she could towards it . She didn 't even dare stand once she reached it , she just crouched down on her haunches as she reached up to turn the knob . Tumbling outside , the noise of Mrs . Norris 's untimely demise was much louder . There was a brief moment where Shelly thought , that sounds like she is being eaten , before it was replaced when her new mantra of " You fool girl " and that last breathy , " run " . So run she did . Down the short walk way , to the end of the drive way , and onto the street . Only slowing down once to pick a direction . She chose the left because she could see a school bus coming down the street . Never minding that there was a large shadow looming over head . Never minding that the strange chirping she had only heard once before ( in her bedroom ) was suddenly ringing in her ears . Never minding that there was no school today … The bus pulled up alongside her and then slowed to a stop . She had also come to a stop , hands on knees , trying to catch her breath . The doors opened and out glided Mackenzie . She was ethereal in a white formal gown . Everything slowed down and then stopped as Mac came nearer . The day seemed to darken all around her as she spoke . " Join us . " She cooed . " It 's time . He 's waiting " . She embraced Shelly , her skin ice cold . Out of all of the events that had taken place over the past five minutes , the feel of Mac 's ice cold skin woke something inside of her . Sharpened her senses . Reminded her that something wild was happening and that normal was something that only existed in the past . " Join us now , while you can . If you wait , he will take you . " With one more flash of her teeth Mac turned and got back on the bus . Shelly saw other faces that she recognized on that bus ( but oddly absent was Brianna ) . They all smiled at her through the windows . Each of them wearing that same face stretching grin , each of them visibly in white . From behind the trailer , Mrs . Norris 's screams had long since stopped . A new noise was now rising that set Shelly 's teeth on edge . A flapping , so much louder than before . The leaves on a nearby tree began to move in time with it . Shelly turned , and ran once more . Ahead , the exit of the trailer park became visible . The only sound that she could hear anymore was the pumping of her own blood in her ears . Her throat burned with exertion . Once she made it clear of the trailer park she would be safe . She was close enough that she dared to slow down , just to catch her breath once again . Finally , the sound of her struggling heart quieted . Just a moment , she thought . Trying to muster enough saliva to cool her burning throat , she rested . There was a moment of blessed silence , long enough for her head to clear , then the flapping replaced the pounding of her heart . Everything went cold in an instant and then there was a sensation of fire burning deep within her . Her throat was still too dry from running to produce a scream . Soundlessly her mouth stood open as she rose into the sky . The sign for the trailer park was becoming smaller and smaller below her . Fire burned deeply within her , so hot that she thought that she would go insane if it lasted much longer . Before it burned her thoughts out completely , she once more heard the chirping from her bedroom . Rocky was at her side for a moment . Then her mind went blank , as she received blessed relief from the flames within . From below , the sign for the trailer park began to grow . / 0 Comments The morning was bitter cold . Lucy could still see her breath as she exhaled even inside her car with the heat on . Her toes felt like they were fused together inside her shoes . She pressed her foot down on the gas lightly , feeling like she was putting a cement block on the accelerator . This morning had rapidly gotten away from her . One thing after another had come up . It was the perfect storm of just enough small things going awry to mess up the entire day . Although she had only left the house five minutes late she was betting she would end up getting to work a good fifteen minutes past when she was due to clock in . That was just the way the day was going . As if on cue , traffic slowed down again . Break lights flashed on the car ahead of her and she also began to decelerate . Terrific . Behind her , a loud engine roared . It was loud and coming up much faster than it should have been . She watched in her rear view mirror as a black shape grew larger and larger . Her eyes grew as did the size of the head lights behind her . It did not seem like he would slow down in time , but with the screeching of tires , he did . For the next few minutes that she waiting in standstill traffic the Impala idled loudly behind her . It was an old Impala . Full of rust spots with mismatched doors . It was black , but that flat black that may actually just be a coat of primer . Breaking into the quiet of the morning was the sound of a honking horn . The Impala 's horn . The car in front of her had inched forward and in the moment that she spent awash in relief that she wasn 't rear ended , she had not . Keep your hair on grandpa , she thought . Traffic finally began to move . Lucy followed with the flow and in a few more minutes was turning onto another street . Once again traffic in front of her slowed to a crawl . A school bus up ahead appeared to be the culprit . It was coming to a stop at an apartment complex in the oncoming lane . She considered speeding up and trying to beat the wait but thought better of it and once more applied those cold feet to the break . The Impala impatiently roared back up behind her . When she looked into the rear view mirror this time she felt as though the driver was sitting in the back seat of her car . His entire face was in full view and she could read his lips well enough to know what he was saying about her in his car . " Well , right back atcha , buddy . " Lucy was midway to leaning forward to change the radio station . Hoping that finding just the right song on the radio could turn this entire morning around . Instead , as if he heard her , the man behind her laid on the horn again . This time he shook his fist and then gestured wildly at the bus . Her lip reading skills had either improved or he was making an effort to make sure that she could understand what he was saying , go you dumb bitch . Feeling her blood pressure rise , Lucy considered getting out of the car . Just putting it in park and calmly getting out , going to the window of his shitty old beater , using her flashlight to crack the window , and then just beating him senseless with it . But calmly . She could just give him one good smack - again , the horn interrupted her thoughts . This time she physically jumped . He pointed at the school bus . The arm with the stop sign on it was beginning to close . She had to get off this road , get away from this guy before she really did snap and get out of the car . The rational part of her brain knew that she wouldn 't , that she couldn 't , but that other part of her brain . The irrational part was picturing throwing her car into reverse and backing into him over and over and over again . All the children were loaded onto the bus and it had pulled away from the apartment . Lucy pulled forward and decided to take a detour to work . For her own sanity 's sake . She was already expecting to be late . A few more minutes wouldn 't make a difference either way . A couple of turns later and Lucy had a red pickup truck cruising happily ( and silently ) behind her . Mere moments more , and she was alone as she threaded through a small residential section . Lucy came to another stop sign . For a moment the sun shone over the tops of the houses in the distance . It came through the bare branches of trees and directly into her car . Finally , she felt some warmth . Reaching forward and turning down the heat she could see below the sun glare . The road in front of her was littered with bodies . Road kill , to be specific . As Lucy paused at the intersection she saw them all . Littered may have been a bit dramatic . However the sudden sight of all of the possums , squirrels , and the like , was bracing . " What in the world ? " Lucy whispered , as she looked down the street . There were no other cars . She could see straight down the three mile stretch to the next intersection . Cars drove by but none turned in . Looking from left to right , Lucy scanned for signs that something was amiss . Nothing moved , a sign in itself . The street was lined with houses , but no one exited . There was no movement behind the windows either . Her first thought was terrorists , naturally . It was early morning in small town USA , on a quiet residential street . The perfect place for ISIS to strike fear into the hearts of America . After the panic washed over her and abated , the next most reasonable idea popped into her mind . This was obviously the work of some animal serial killer . So she , at least , was safe from any malfeasance . She relaxed her grip on the steering wheel . Whatever was going on , she wasn 't ready to drive down the street yet . Maybe some assholes had gone drag racing during a mid - road small animal kegger . Maybe someone threw poisoned meat out to lower the rodent population ( although she was unsure if squirrels were meat eaters . Those cute little bastards struck her more as vegetarians ) . Or a gas leak . A gas leak was possible too . All of these thoughts took place in the span of sixty seconds . Nobody had turned onto the stretch of street ahead since she stopped . Stranger still , no one had exited their houses since she had stopped . It was still early but most people were probably already on their way to work by now ( as she was , albeit late ) . All those school kids had probably been off loaded from their buses by the time Lucy pulled up to that stop sign . She mused over this for another ten seconds . Quietly , behind her a black Impala pulled up . Movement ahead of her caught her eye . A plucky little ( vegetarian ? ) squirrel scampered from the side yard of one of the houses . Seeing fresh life brought Lucy back to reality . She was running late for work . There was probably some sort of ratio of dead animals to square mile on roads like this . Maybe it only seemed like a lot today because she was the only car on the road . And her day had gotten off to a bracing start . Correction , had been the only car on the road . There was movement again , this time she noticed it behind her . The Impala inched forward so that she could clearly see the driver in her rear view mirror . Easing up on the break , about to move forward , Lucy once again looked to the squirrel . He scampered , his tail swished , his whiskers shivered ( she imagined this last bit , he was too far away for her to see his actual whiskers ) . Raised up on his hind legs he sniffed the air near the street . Then , with more dignity than she would have thought a squirrel could possess , he pirouetted and collapsed . It happened in slow motion . Her brain first registering surprise , and then acceptance . Surprise at witnessing his shuffling off this mortal coil . Acceptance , because after all , squirrels are naturally graceful . They can run along a power line faster than a Cirque Du Soleil performer meandering on a tightrope . Reapplying pressure to the break , Lucy considered something , an errant thought . It was interrupted by the honk of a horn . The douchebag Impala , revving its engine , idling closer yet . Lucy shook her head to clear it up , to right the ship of her thoughts , but again a honk over turned it . " God dammit ! " The body of the squirrel was in front of her , the honking Impala behind . This time he really laid on the horn . Giving a voice to his impatience . Letting out a huff of air , blowing away whatever thought she had been on the cusp of forming , Lucy took her foot off the break . Inching forward slightly , she made a tight U - Turn . Doing her best , she avoided going within a car 's length of the first animal corpse , a raccoon . She also avoided making eye contact with the driver of the Impala . The carnage on the street must not have registered to him . He tore away from the stop sign before Lucy had completely cleared the intersection . Curiosity raged within her and she glanced up in her rearview mirror in time to watch the black car 's pace slow to a crawl , swerve , and then stop as it came to rest against a curb . The now familiar sound of the horn bleated once more into the empty street , and this time did not stop . " Miss , " a man in a blue Gas and Power uniform said as he motioned for her to roll down her window , " you need to clear out of here . There 's been some kind of gas leak and we have evacuated this whole section . " Lucy smiled , nodded as if in confirmation , and rolled her window back up . She was back on her regular route to work . The sun was shining , the chill had abated , and maybe her day was finally turning around . Lauren Wellbank Lauren Wellbank is a thirty something wife , mother , and recovering cat enthusiast . When she isn 't too busy doing those things , she writes . Lauren 's work has also been featured on scarymommy . com , huffingtonpost . com , yummymummyclub . ca , sheknows . com , and blogher . com . |
By Roldens PaulyniceWas I a famous and a friendly guy ? Yes , I was . At school , I was known by everyone . I was smart and friendly . But I was not a lucky guy in terms of romantic relation . I had always fallen in love for girls who did not even care about me or who would cause me pain . Especially for these girls , I used to wear my heart in my hands . That was , I used to fall in love easily for them . I had just graduated from a community college . I attended a public university . During the first week of school , everyone who lived in the dorms , as usual , would stay outside to meet new people and get to know them . I was outside , sitting on a black chair in front of my door apartment . As I sat , I saw two girls passing by . " Hey , " one of them said . " How are you doing ? " Usually , even though I was friendly , I never initiated a conversation with someone that I did not know . I was shy when it came to that . People that I did not know usually were the initiators of almost every first conversation . Sarah was beautiful . She had long hair . To me , she was one of the most beautiful girls that ever existed on the face of this earth . However , she did not impress me that much because I did feel more attracted to the other girl , the girl who was with her . Sarah was twenty - years - old as she told me . She was a junior at the university , majoring in communication . She lived in the sixty eighth apartment . " I like your dress code , " said Sarah . " I would like to become friends with you . " As usual , I liked to dress . I was known by everyone as a great dresser since back at my community college . A lot of girls had liked my style because of my dress code . As a result , many of them became my friends . I told Sarah that I was twenty - two - years - old , a junior , majoring in business . I had passion for writing . " I live in this building , " I said to Sarah . As I shook her hand , I could feel something . I could feel that there was something that was beating and transforming within me that I was incapable of describing . I felt so blessed that day to shake hands with her . However , I also felt that a part of me seemed to tell me that something between me and her wasn 't common . The moons delicate light had just turned the world a - flame with silver when I shook her hand . She had a comely figure , which was stem - thin . Her curvilinear waist didn 't surprise me as much as the saffron tint to her complexion . She must be a native , I thought to myself . Her crescent shaped eyebrows inclined slightly as she saw me staring at her . I yelped at being caught . When I came closer , I noticed her scrolled ears and her elegant nose . I felt somehow different . It was love at first light that I felt . Her luminous , heavenly - white teeth flashed as she pawed at me with her film star nails . Her hair was a glorious tumble of star beam - gold and her virility - brown eyes set my heart a - thump . Before I left home to go to the university , my mom told me something . " Be careful with people , especially girls . In this country , they have all the power , " I remembered she said to me . I had just been hurt in the past by someone who did not care about me . All I wanted at that time was someone to cure me , someone that my heart and my soul would really want . I was looking for someone who would show me what love - something that I had never really experienced for a long time - was all about . Even if I had been hurt so much in the past , I still believed in love . I wasn 't trying to be revengeful . I was ready to forgive all the ones who had been hurt me so that I could start all over again . Sarah said that she spent the whole night thinking about me . She thought about calling me , but she did not want to disturb me in my sleep . " I thought that you were sleeping , " said Sarah . As usual , since back home , I liked to watch sport , especially basketball and soccer . One day , I went to the main room of the village . A lot of people watched a football game final on a big TV screen . I watched the entire game with them . Everyone was noisy . Both teams were playing very well . That satisfied almost everybody . Since that day , it became usual for me to go to watch sport in that room . There were times when I was in that room , I used to see two policemen . I never talked to them . I was always quiet in the room . One day , one of the policemen asked me what my name was . " Why you never talk ? " they said . They told me their name . I gave them my name in return . There was a time that Sarah called me . She told me that her father was a billionaire . He owned many businesses , encouraging her to major in business , but she was more interested in communication or journalism . She told me that her father paid for all her school expenses . When I asked her to tell me a little bit about Camellia , she responded that Camellia was a multimillionaire . Her father was a football player , and her mother was a singer ; as a result , that made her judgmental or snobby . " That may be why she did not even want to shake hands with you when you first meet her , " said Sarah . After Sarah told me that , I could feel something within me . I felt intimidated and petty . From there , I started thinking about how I could get in contact with Camellia . I had found no way despite all those deep thoughts . When it came to me , I was intelligent , but I did not have money . I came from a poor family . I relied on my parents to pay for my education . I did not receive any grant from the government , but I received one from the school that I came from because of my intelligence . My father was a farmer , working all day and all night to educate me . My mother was a merchant , selling candy down the street . My father 's name was Jean Jacques . Being a farmer wasn 't a big deal for my father because he believed that he was doing this type of job to educate his children . He was sixty - five - year - old . The pool was white - lined like a sheet covering its bottom . The shape was that of a rectangle with its edges smooth and rounded . It was filled with glittering water clear as the sky , not murky anywhere . It sloped gently , going far down enough that I couldn 't guess the depth . Some parts were tiled , and the tiles glinted in the sun , making the water glint and shimmer even more . There were no waves - all was still . The water was so calm . It looked like I could walk out on to it and just keep walking forever , never getting wet at all . Like a silvery blue sidewalk , it was straight and formal looking . When I looked at it , my instinct was to dive in , dive down , down , down . . . all the way to the bottom , however far that might be . As I looked closer and my first awe wore off a tiny bit , I noticed some peculiar things . One was that there was a little ledge right before the water began , and water was constantly rushing into it and falling down into . I also saw the walls - they white , true - but . They also had little markings on them , mostly crosses and thick lines . I saw that these markings continued on as tile down the way on the bottom . These were the tiles I had seen before , and I wondered about them . Betty was stunningly gorgeous , like a painting of a goddess brought to life . She smiled sweetly at me , and her eyes sparkling like stars flaunted on the night sky . She was a girl 's honey - sweet voice . I looked at her leisurely , and there she was . She was one of the most beautiful girls I 'd ever seen . She wore a simple white dress with a gold braided belt . Her hair was long , wavy , and golden brown , falling brilliantly over her chest . The girl 's face was milky white , with large dazzling chocolate brown eyes and kissable cherry lips . After a while , I was looking at Camellia . She stayed speechlessly . She did not want to get in contact with me . But I knew . I knew better why . It was time for the pool to clean . The guy who was in charge was coming . He was big and had strong muscle . He came with a lot of materials including a pool cleaner machine to do the job . " Hey guys , I am not going to be there later , " he said . " May you do me a favor please ? May you let me clean the pool ? I am sorry for the inconvenience . " Camellia , Sarah , Betty , and I left the pool . I headed to my room . When I was about to arrive , I said goodbye to them and got inside . Camellia , Sarah , and Betty walked to their apartments . The next day had come . It was a Saturday morning . Sarah called me , inviting me to go out with Betty , Camellia , and her . She advised me to call Betty to confirm to her that I was going to the party . She kissed me on the front head and on the mouth . She opened the car 's door for me so that I could sit in . She closed the door after a while . The party took place at a pub , a drinking establishment , which the local folks came to relax and socialize after a hard day of work or enjoy the weekend with friends and townsfolk . The selections of beers were varied as the local customers , and there were many brews that originated from the local area , and there was a brewery behind the building with its metal exterior hidden from the street . The walls were a variety of brown hues that glowed golden from the yellow lights hanging from the rafters . The interior had a warm glow to it that had a homey feeling . This homey feeling caused the people to forget their worries and chat with the locals . The pub was a place that was not too small , but not a nightclub either . Some people enjoyed the beer , wine , and spirits , but a few overdue it sometimes if they got rowdy and had to leave . It was peaceful and homey once again . Eventually , the townsfolk left the pub for what some of the men call " their other home " with their wives and children . After a while , music was playing . As I was dancing with Sarah , I could feel something . I could feel within me that she felt something for me . She felt something that seemed to be special . She danced with me in a way that no other girl had ever done before . Like I was more than her boyfriend , she was dancing with me . She hugged me and kissed me as she definitely wanted to give me something that was holy during that night . Still , I did not give up . I always wanted to talk to Camellia . She humiliated me sometimes , but I continued to persevere . There were times if I tried to talk to her , she would walk away without saying a word . When she did that , I would follow her for a second chance . I would say to her , " Please talk to me . Why you don 't want to talk to me ? " She would use profanity to disrespect me . Camellia thought that I was crazy . She thought I did not have shame . It was not that I did not have shame , but it was something that was extraordinary inside of me that stimulated me to act like that . I simply did not understand or did not know how to control it . It was something that I knew that almost everybody felt and experienced before . It was the soul that directed me to where that it wanted . There was nothing that I could do but obeyed it . It was a heart that beat within me . I needed that heart so that I could continue to live . I had to please it . I did not want it to fall apart . I was trying to do what it told me to do . She used to work at the university . I would sit outside of the building that she worked at so that I could see her or get in contact with her . When she got out , there were times that I would say hey to her . If she did not respond , I would say to her as I followed her for a second chance , " Please talk to me . " She would ask me to leave her alone or to stop annoying her . Sometimes I would tenderly respond , " But I do the things that I do because I care about you . " Sometimes she would get mad at me . In the country that I went to study , it was against the law to contact someone consistently or too much especially if the person did not want to get in contact with you . It was a crime ; as a result , they would consider you as a criminal . Following someone was also unsuitable especially when you inappropriately pursued the person when she did not want you to . Like any Haitian family , it was mandatory for children to kiss or hug their friends , the adults of the community , or their family members after coming from to school or church . If they did not do it , their parents or the adults would beat them up . They would consider them as disrespectful children . However , in the United States , it was different . It was against the law to do something like that . Shaking hands with somebody could even be against the law depending on the circumstances , a hug was a bigger deal , and a kiss was the worst thing that you could do . As a sex offender or once you had sexual harassment charge filed against you , you would not allow to stay around females , especially kids . Convicted sex offender faced notably strict probation . You could not visit any public park . You would be forbidden from owning a smartphone or using the Internet or computer and not allowed to talk to anyone younger than 17 , even immediate family . You would ban from going to any establishment that served alcohol , and you had to be home before 8 p . m . every night . Sometime it may be before 5 p . m . Convicted sex offenders were forbidden from visiting any public areas where there might be children , so a convicted sex offender also wasn 't allowed to live in his or her parents ' house or any family member 's house if the house was 800 feet of a public boat ramp , just shy of the 1 , 000 - foot distance minimum . They may force you to leave jail , go to a house , and be by yourself , and be lonely basically . It may be hard to find a place to live either . I meant because of all of the restrictions . You almost could not live in any city in the country at all because you had to be so many feet from a school , a church , and a park . You had to stay in a place that like a desert in any city that met the distance requirement . They tried to make you felt like you were less than a monster . They wanted you to be a monster . You got treated worse than a murder . I became more unaware of those especially when my female friends at the university would jump on me to hug me and kiss me . It wasn 't one or two friends . It was more than many . As a result , when I saw them , I would do the same thing in reciprocity . I would give them a friendly hug , an innocent hug , even if their boyfriends were there . Their boyfriends would not care . They knew me as a friendly guy . It wasn 't only my friends and their boyfriends who knew that . It was almost everybody . There were times that I used to talk to my father , Jean Jacques . He used to tell me that he had been going through a lot with females . He knew how they were . " Females , especially those who are your friends , are hot and cold at the same time , " my father used to say to me . " When they are with you alone , they would do anything with you . Hug you . Kiss you . Play with you anyhow . When they are with their boyfriends , they would pretend that they do not even know you . " He said to me one day , " Sometimes the way that you feel for a woman is not how she feels about you . When a circumstance like that presents , all you have to do is move on . If you continue to stay , you will get hurt by almost every single thing that she will do to you . " What my father used to say weren 't big deals to me . I did not believe in them . I rather believe in perseverance . No matter how hard was it for you , it was better to persevere . I did believe in friendship . My friends would hug me and kiss me . I would do the same thing in return when I saw them . Even in front of their boyfriends , they would do it . I would do it too sometimes . Sarah , on the other hand , would do her best to listen to my voice at least once a day . She used to sit in front of my class every morning , waiting for me so that she could at least see me or get in contact with me . She would call me every day , asking me to go out with her sometimes . She said certain things to me sometimes to impress me or to stimulate me so that I could make the first move . " You look cute , " she said sometimes . " I like the way you dress . Is there anything that you like about me ? " She would laugh and said to me , " Camellia does not care about you . There is someone who cares about you . Try to make the first move instead . " The next week had come . It had been the end of Spring Break . I went to my economics class . After the class was over , I went to sit in front of the class of Camellia . I went to my room . I took a shower . I laid down on my bed , thinking about what had been happening to me and about some possible course of actions that I could take . After a couple of minutes , I fell asleep . It was becoming more usual for me to go to sit by Camellia 's class every day . I did it just to see her , and that helped me to cope with the tribulation . Seeing her pleased me and lessened my pain . When she got out , I never said a word to her because I took deep and great cautiousness . I was afraid of receiving a slap from her again . The first one was painful . The summer just came . It was very hot . The sun was blazing that day ; its unbearable heat kept me within the confines of the air - conditioned house . No one could bear to be outside . I felt as if I was in an oven every time I stepped outside my door . I stood behind the glass doors and watched the roses sway gently in the breeze outside . I placed my hands on the warm glass and tapped my painted red fingernails against its surface . I remembered watching my gardener earlier that day back home , working hard at weeding despite the heat . I smiled appreciatively . I had done a great job . The lawn was neatly mowed , the grass as green as grass could be . After a while , I went to class . After a while , I went to sit in front of the class of Camellia . I tried to talk to her . She got mad . She closed the door on my face . Hours passed by . I went back to class . When I got out , I saw Sarah sitting on the floor . She was waiting for me . As I got out in the building , she walked quickly . She hugged me and kissed me . " Nick , my honey , there is nothing that I can do about that , " responded Sarah . " Camellia does not care about you . But don 't you know that there is someone who cares about you and loves you ? She feels pain for you . She suffers for you . She is ready to show you what love is all about . " " If you do not know , " she responded as she got closer to me to touch my chess , " I am the one nick . I have been suffering for you since the day that I met you . I used many different strategies to show that to you ; you could not get it . You could not understand . " " It is okay , " I responded to her . I did not want to hurt her . There was nothing else than that I could say at that time . I kept imagining about what it had been like to see that I could not get in contact with Camellia . That statement kept going through my mind , or I kept saying to myself , " I love Camellia ; I love Camellia ; and I love Camellia . " I called Betty . Betty told me that Camellia was great . " She is not interested in you , " said Betty . " There is someone who cares about you . She loves you . She is ready to do whatever it takes to fight for you in whatever circumstance . " " Anyway , I am going to tell you . I can not keep this secret to myself anymore . It had to be revealed . Sarah is the one my friend , " said Betty . " She loves you . " The next day had come . I stepped by Camellia 's room . I wanted to talk to her . After less than a quarter of an hour , she got out . She was about to go to class . I knew . I knew better . I knew for sure how she dressed when she would go to class . I was smiling as a way to show my happiness to her . I could not believe that Camellia talked to me . I had been looking for that for a long time . My day would be great . It was the best moment of my life so far . That was , I got in contact with a girl who made me feel somehow different that any other girl never made me feel and would never make me feel . " I talk to you today , " said Camellia , " because of Sarah . I feel someone 's pain , and I want you to take that in consideration . I feel my friend 's pain . I feel Sarah 's pain . " Camellia told me that she was talking to Sarah yesterday . Sarah told her that she was suffering for me . Camellia went on to say that she could feel , perceive , or sense Sarah 's pain when Sarah explained that to her . Sarah 's eyes were watering with tears . " She really loves you Nicky , " said Camellia . I went home . I laid down on my bed , continuing to take deep breath . I kept thinking about what I should do in a situation like that . Camellia and I became friends . She became friends with me because she wanted me to go with Sarah . We talked to each other on the phone almost everyday , going out sometimes . We talked to each other about our personal experiences . I used to tell her about how I had been hurt in the past . She used to also tell me about how she had been hurt . As a matter of fact , she continued to try to convince me that I should go with her friend , Sarah . It felt like I had found a piece of me that was missing the whole time when I was around Camellia . I felt complete . My heart beat as if it wanted to come out of my body so that I could hand it to Camellia . I was blind to the bad qualities of Camellia . The qualities that I saw were all good and beautiful , and I did not care if she did not have a nice smile or clear skin ; I looked beyond all that . I seemed to appreciate the smaller things in life when I did them with her . I felt like I would want to give to her everything , things that I did not even possess , no matter how much it was , and I did not expect anything in return from her but her love , her heart . The sound of her voice pierced me every time I heard it . But I felt embarrassed when I was around her . I felt petty . I felt embarrassed to tell her how I felt . I wondered , what would she said if I told her how I felt ? How would she react if I said those three magical words - I love you - to her ? How would she feel around me ? Would she feel comfortable ? Would she feel uncomfortable ? I felt embarrassed to tell her how I felt . That became the most painful thing that I could ever experience in my life . That was , I felt incapable of telling her how I felt , how I loved her . I called my mother one day . I told her that I fell in love for a girl , but I felt intimidated and petty to tell her how I felt because she came from the upper class . I came from the lower class . I felt embarrassed . " I am a poor , " I said to my mother . " She may belittle me . " " Do not think like that , " my mother responded . " Love does not know if you are a poor or a rich . It does not have any barrier . It does not care who you are . It makes all of us feel the same way . It makes us blind , making us forget about status or social class . If she loves you , she will not care . If she belittles you , she does not love you . " Betty used to tell me that Camellia did not like me . I made the wrong choice . " She is now friends with you because of Sarah , " said Betty . One day , I called Camellia , and I told her that she was the one that my heart and my soul really wanted . She was the one who preoccupied my dreams . I felt that my heart did not belong to any other one . I could not help myself . I could not fight this feeling anymore . " I love you , " I said to Camellia . " I have been suffering for you for so long . Since the first day that I met you , it has been . I need your love to survive . I need your love in my life . I need your hands so that I can move on . " " Laugh out loud , " responded Camellia . " You fall in love for the wrong person . I am not the one . Sarah is the one . Go tell her those sweet melodies . They are not for me . " The next day had come . Sarah called me and told me that she knew what I told Camellia . That would not stop her from continuing to love me . She would stand until the end . She would like to have me one day and fall in love with me until the end of time . She would wait until she had to use her last breath to tell me that she loved me . " If you do not stop , " said Camellia , " I 'll stop talking to you . The only thing that I can do is that I can stay friends with you . Leave me alone . " After a couple of weeks , on a December day , Sarah called me and told me that she could not help herself . She needed my help . She could not wait on me anymore . Her heart was currently breaking into pieces . She definitely needed me in her life . I called Camellia . I kept telling her how I felt . She got mad . She hanged off the phone on my face . I called her back . She did not answer . Sarah called me . I chose not to pick up because I had my own problem . She came to knock on the door of my room . I acted like no one was in the room . I did not say a word . Still , I did not give up in Camellia . I called her . She never picked up . I texted her . She did not text back . Nothing worked . I tried to contact her on Facebook . She did nothing in return . I called Betty . The first thing that she told me was that Sarah was in tears . Sarah said that I never called her . She never heard from me . She called me . I did not pick up . She texted me . I did not text her back . " The girl does not like you , " said Betty . " Leave her alone . Sarah is the one who loves you . If you want to get in contact with Camellia or stay friends with her , you have to stop annoying her . " After a while , something came to my mind . I was confused . I felt pain . I was desperate . My eyes were watering . No one could take off the tears in my eyes . It could be painful to stay friends with her if I could not have her . It could be worse if I could not talk to her at all . She could comfort me if I stayed friends with her . But if I stayed friends with her , it could be difficult for me to express my feeling to her . " I do not know what to do , " I said to myself . One day , I was in my room . I took my radio and a disk . I recorded my voice . I wanted to say something to Camellia . As I listened to the recording of my words , I could feel all my pain . I felt my tribulation . I felt my anguish . I perceived my deepest pain . I felt that my life was in darkness . I needed Camellia 's presence to brighten my life . After a couple of days , Betty was at the university . I gave her the disk . I said to her , " May you give this disk to Camellia for me please . " As I read the letter , I felt not only Sarah 's pain but also my pain . I could feel that it looked like that we both were going through the same situation . Unfortunately , I could not help her out . I had to take care of the problems that I had . My paramount goal at that time was having Camellia . I felt that being friend with Camellia would not be adequate for me to ease my pain , but having her would completely change my life . After I read that letter , my phone rang . It was a call from Camellia . I felt so happy . I thought that the words that I had recorded persuaded her . " I want you to stop annoying me , " she said . " Don 't ever presume to send anything from any other party . Leave me alone . If you do not , I will put you in big trouble . I swear . I swear . I swear the God . I promised . " After that phone call , I felt more pain than ever before . My face showed distress , and as I closed my eyes , drops slowly ran down my face . I had wiped my eyes so much ; as a result , they were red and swollen . When I went to look around , my vision was blurry ; it was difficult for me to see clearly . I was the blank , emotionless expression swept over my face as the realization of the moment gradually seeped in . The fear seemed to rise behind my eyes . Like a caged animal , I laid there . Paralyzed by the tragic feeling of isolation , I closed my eyes and gazed into fields of nothingness . I felt the water creep out of my eyes , and I gently whispered to myself , " I will die . " I could not believe that I was in a reality . " What should I do now ? " I said to myself . " I will continue until the end . No matter what happens , I 'll take it . " The next day had come . I woke up early . I took a shower . I wore the clothes that I liked the most . Everyone liked it when I wore it . After a while , I walked quickly . When I arrived at the communication building , I sat on the floor , waiting for Camellia in front of her class . The communication building was built in a manner that nobody would want to take their eyes away from looking at it . It was a ground floor building . By looking at it , everyone may feel that the building was too gigantic . But as someone entered the building , he or she would come to know that it was very spacious , but the classes were next to each other . The interior looked so beautiful . The bottom half of the building were the restrooms , and the top half were the classes . The classes were amazing because their locations and views make them very desirable . The floor had been decorated by greenish color marbles , and the top part of the building was decorated with palm trees , which were made out of cement . It was very beautiful . Everything had been arranged properly . The sequences of the rooms were really good . All the classes were placed where they were supposed to be , so they added to the beauty of the building . The building had gardens all around it . Anyone who looked at these gardens would really enjoy the beauty of the nature too because it was in a hilltop and because it provided a beautiful view of the city . It was marvelous . It was the tallest building in the city , with about 50 floors . It had a huge glass tower , but it definitely stood out . It had become a famous building in the city and at the school . You could see it as you approached Manchester , and it was an easy place to meet people because it was so distinctive and easy to find . The most interesting thing about the science building was that there was a bar restaurant on the 23rd floor , which had spectacular views of the city and the school ; it was definitely the best vantage point in the city because there were no walls , only huge windows , so you could look out over the city in any direction . It was my last semester at the university . I did really want Camellia . I wanted to have her before I graduated . As a result , I did all I could . " Leave me alone , " responded Camellia . " I am going to put you in big trouble . I did promise you . You will be in big trouble . I promise you . " She walked away . She said nothing . I was alone . I was sitting in front of the class . I felt that I got humiliated by the one that I loved , the one that my heart and my soul really wanted . I put my head down . Another day was coming . I was alone in my room . The pain was still there . I did not know what to do . I laid down on my bed , taking deep breath to comfort myself . I felt so sad and uncomfortable . I called Camellia . Unfortunately , she did not answer the phone . I tried to sleep , but I could not sleep . I tried to eat , but I could not eat . I tried to watch TV in order to entertain myself or to ease my pain , but nothing worked . I listened to love songs in order to alleviate or to lessen the pain , but it became worse and more severe . I did not know what to do . The pain was complicatedly excruciating and was absolutely incurable . After a while , my phone rang . It was a call from a police officer at the university . He told me that he wanted me to come to see him at his office now . For all my life , I had never been confronting police before for something that was wrong . After the police officer told me that he wanted to see me , I did not know what to do . I did not know what I would say to him . I decided to call my father as a result to demand him for some advises . " Stay quietly , " said my father . " Don 't say anything to them . Anything that you say can be used against you . Don 't let them self - incriminate you . That is , they may take your words and use them against you . They are not your friends . Police are not people 's friends . You have the right to remain silent . " When we arrived , I shook hands with him . I said thank you to him . He made a u - turn with the car and headed back to the village . I headed to the station door , opening it . I entered in the station . There were many chairs that were made for people to sit down . I sat down on one of them . Many people were sitting also . I did not say anything to them because especially I wasn 't in my mood . As I sat on the chair , Evens , one of the police officer whom I used to watch basketball with , was coming . When he saw me , he turned around without hesitation . After a while , another officer came and said , " You can come to see me . " " We receive many complaints from many females against you , " he said . " You jump on them , hugging them without permission . You kiss them . You follow them . You stay around their classes , waiting for them . " " This is the thing , " he said . " First , you have no friend at the university . Don 't hug anybody . Don 't hug even people that you consider as friends . If someone doesn 't say hey , don 't say hey . If someone says hey , walk . Don 't sit around any class that is not your class . " Now , it was time for me to leave . I had to go to the village . I did not have transportation . I asked Evens , the police officer that I used to watch basketball with , for a ride . He took his car . It wasn 't the police car . It was a private car . It was a black one . He opened the right door for me . " I did not want to be in that thing , " said the officer . " What about if the person does not want someone to think that she is in something with you ? Don 't you see that I was the one who was coming to you ? I went back when I saw that it was you . It is because I know who you are . " I said nothing . I just listened to what he said . I did not want to get self - incriminated by the officer . My father had told me that . As a result , I did not trust the officer . " Get mess up for a girl who is not even my girl , " said the officer . " If I have to get mess up , I will get mess up for someone who is my girl . I will get mess up for a girl who cares about me . I will not get mess up for someone who tries to mess me up or who is not even my girl . If someone doesn 't say hey , don 't say hey . Someone says hey , walk . If it is not your class , don 't sit there . You are my brother . I am trying to help you out . " I said nothing to the officer . I did not trust him . I wasn 't sure if he was trying to self - incriminate me or help me out . I just listened to what he said . Here in the car , I saw it . I recalled it . I learned from what the officer told me . I realized it . So I recalled what my father used to tell me . " Females , especially those who are your friends , are hot and cold at the same time , " my father used to say to me . " When they are with you alone , they would do anything with you . Hug you . Kiss you . Play with you anyhow . When they are with their boyfriends , they would pretend that they do not even know you . " I realized that it seemed to be my friends who reported me to the police . My father had used to also tell me , " Sometimes the way that you feel for a woman is not how she feels about you . When circumstances like that present , all that you have to do is move on . If you continue to stay , you will get hurt by almost every single thing that she will do to you . " I realized something . I realized that it seemed to be Camellia or Sarah that reported me to the police , but I wasn 't sure . I realized that I had to be careful around my friends . I had to be careful with Camellia especially . As I walked to my room , I felt different than I had felt before . I felt more fearful . I just kept thinking about how I could go to jail , get mess up , have no chance to graduate , or get kick out of school . School was something that I liked a lot . That brought a new type of fear in my life , the fear that I may get kick out of school . I felt sad . I wasn 't only afraid because I knew that I could go to jail or get mess up . I was also afraid because I knew that if I got kick out of school , I deceived my parents . Where would be the value of all the hard work of my father , the man who worked hard in the garden to educate me , if I got kick out of school ? Where would be the value of all the hard work of my mother , the lady who sold candy down the street to contribute to my education , the lady who used to wake up early every day morning to walk me to school when I was little ? How my father , the man who preferred not to satisfy his needs or to pay his bills to pay for my education or to provide for me , would feel if he heard a news like that ? After a couple of days , the dean deferred me from suspension to let me graduate because of that event . That was , I would be officially suspended at the university , but the suspension was deferred . If anyone reported me at the university and the university found that I was responsible for violating the school code , I would be immediately suspended at the university in addition to all the subsequent sanctions . Unfortunately , finding responsible for violating the school code was based on a preponderance of evidence . It was not based on fact . It was not a legal thing . That was , someone could lie and report me , and I still could violate the school code . I never talked to anybody , especially females , at the university . I was alone . I always sat somewhere quietly by myself . I was always in the right corner of my room . The captain saw me sitting . I was alone in one of the corners of the room . He laughed at me because he knew what he did to me . He went outside , laughing at me . I felt pain because of that . I was alone . I was alone in the corner of the room . As I was alone in the corner of the room , I felt it again . I saw it and recalled it . I realized it again , and I learned from it . So I again recalled what my father had told me . I kept thinking about what the police officer told me . When he told me , " You have no friend on campus . " I realized that it was my friends that caused me all those troubles . I recalled what the officer said . He said that I should not get mess up for a girl who was not even my girl or who tried to mess me up . As a result , I learned from what my father used to tell me . He used to say , " Sometimes the way that you feel for a woman is not how she feels about you . When circumstances like that present , all that you have to do is move on . If you continue to stay , you will get hurt by almost every single thing that she will do to you . " I realized again that I had to stay away from Camellia especially . I had to stay away from all the friends that I had . Everybody was dancing , partying . Almost everybody was going to graduate . Everybody was jubilant . Among the future graduates , I was the only one who was sad , not participating that much in the party . I was thinking about what could happen to me if someone reported me . After a while , I decided to leave . I did not stay at the party because I was trying to avoid trouble . As I walked to my room , I felt pain , humiliation , desperation , and isolation . I felt like my heart had been ripped out . Suddenly , there was an aura of grey around me . It was a mist that wouldn 't raise , a state of depression that I couldn 't help through . I felt a terrible weight on my shoulders . It was as if a giant boulder was laid on me , and I couldn 't straighten up or catch my breath entirely . A single tear rolled down my cheek . I should have been crying , but I was too numb to even think about crying . There was a giant hole in my heart , and I knew nothing would ever be the same . I looked like death , and I didn 't care . My eyes were puffy fromcrying because I couldn 't stop crying . I was dehydrated and sore . Sobs raked my body , and no one should be able to cry that hard . I hadn 't even cried that hard when one of my sister had died . When I arrived , I turned on the light of my room . My room was beautiful . Two opposite walls were light blue , and the other two were hot blue . I had a queen sized bed . My carpet was white . Curtains were white and blue . I had a bulletin board with my medals and ribbons up on it . I also had a vanity style dresser with some of my favorite pictures all around it . I had another dresser , a tall one , with my TV on it . My TV had internet on it , and there was also my PS3 . My dressers were made of white marble . I had a walk in the closet that contained my dresses , purses , and laundry baskets . I had a shelf containing my books and my photo albums . There were Christmas lights up on the ceiling around the perimeter of my room , two Marilyn Monroe posters , a sketch , a painting of Jesus , and a portrait of my mom drew of me on my walls . I had a white five bulb lamp glowing in the dark stickers on my ceiling . I had two wall black quotes on my walls . I had a few stuffed animals . Right now , as I was in the room , I absolutely knew the complete literal definition of isolation . I also knew the meaning of humiliation . I knew the meaning of pain . It wasn 't the pain that I used to endure when I could not get in contact with Camellia , but now , it was a new type of pain , the pain that I could not even get in contact with any girl at the university . I felt isolated . I felt humiliated . I stayed away from all females at the university . I did not talk to them . I did not talk to Sarah . I did not talk to Camellia anymore . I chose to do it . I tried to protect myself . Friends were coming to hug me . I disappointed them . I chose to run away from them . I walked away from them . I stayed away from them . I talked to only Betty because at that time , she was not at the university . She was a sophomore at a community college . I talked to her only on the phone . I did not talk to anyone at the university . I did not tell my mother and my father about all the things that I was going through at the university . They had told me to be careful . My father used to tell me things about friends . My mothers used to tell me about how women in this country were . I could not tell them anything . I felt embarrassed to tell them that because they told me to be careful . " Be careful , " I remembered that my mother especially told me before I left to go to school . Despite the pain , the humiliation , and the isolation that I faced at the university , I did not give up . I stayed strong when it came to studying or focusing . I passed all my classes . I was totally ready for graduation . Now , I felt pain . I kept thinking about how I would get in contact with my mother at the university at the day of my graduation . I was fearful . I was desperate more than ever before . I kept thinking about what may happen to me if I got in contact with my mother at my graduation on campus . I was thinking about how easy that it could be for me to go to jail or get mess up . I may not even have chance to participate in the ceremony . Isolation , suffering , or humiliation , once an intangible , was now something that I felt deeper . It wasn 't the one that I felt before . It wasn 't the type of isolation that I used to face at the university when I used to be alone in the corner . It wasn 't the tears that used to be in my eyes when I felt pain , but now , it was more than tearful eyes . It was a new type of humiliation , the humiliation that I could not even get in contact with my mother at the university when she came to my graduation . That was something that I could not believe . I would feel pain and humiliation again at my graduation . As I got at the auditorium , I saw beauty . The entire auditorium was decorated . Thousands of people were standing to cheer the graduates who just came in . The parents were making noises . Everyone was boisterous in the auditorium . After a while , everyone was singing the national anthem . Now , it became time for everyone to sit down . As I sat on the chair , I cried secretly to myself . At that time , I kept thinking about how I did almost not have chance to be in an event like that . I had been waiting for that event since the first day I went to school . My ultimate goal was graduating from a university . I was sitting between two girls . Frustration used to break my heart into pieces . Now , it was killing me . I kept thinking about what could happen to me if one of the girls reported me . They talked to me . I chose not to respond . I wasn 't an assault . Now , I chose to be one . I did not do it with all my heart , but I had to do it to protect myself . I did not respond to any word that the girls said . I would feel deeper pain and deeper humiliation when it was time for the graduates to walk across the stage . As I walked across the stage , I felt frustrated . My heart was beating rapidly . I felt pain . It was really cold despite that it was May . The deeper fear came when I had to shake hands with all the faculties at the stadium . I kept thinking about what could happen to me if I shook hands with a female faculty . I reflected something . So I chose to shake hands with only the male faculties . I skipped all the female faculties . It was time for me right now to shake hands with the president of the university . The president was a female . She would be the last person that I had to shake hands with . Also , I had to take a picture with her . Instead , I ignored her on her way . I walked straight without hesitation . I did not say a word . I took a deep breath . I closed my eyes . I talked silently to Jesus , saying thank you to him for helping me to achieve this goal . He saved me from all the potential negative consequences . I pointed my hands on my face . I made a cross - the father , the son , the Holy Spirit , and the amen . I went to sit . I would feel it deeper , deeper , when it was time for the graduation to over . Now became time for the graduates to leave the room . The audience would follow them as usual . My mother , the lady who sold candy down the street to support me so that I could see that day , the lady who carried me for night months , the lady who faced a lot of pain and humiliation in her life because of me to let me see that day , came to my mind . How would she feel if I did not hug her , kiss her , or take picture with her ? As I walked out the auditorium , I saw my mother looked at me with a smile in her face . My father was happy . When I was outside , I was thinking about going straight home because I did not want to offend my mother . As I headed home , friends were waiving hands at me . I ignored them . I ignored the backstabbers , the people who I thought were my friends but then they attempted in causing my downfall . They tried to hug me . I chose to walk away from them . I did not get in contact with them at all . I ignored them . I did not want to get in trouble . My mother was coming to me . I felt desperate . I felt pain . I did not know what to do . I did not want to hurt her . But it was at that time that I did know what it meant to be a mother . " Mothers are not friends who attempt in causing your downfall . Mothers are not backstabbers who try to hurt their friends , " I kept saying . At that time , I knew the definition of the word mother . I knew what DNA meant . I knew what ancestors meant . I recalled what my father told me . " Mothers are not friends who are cold and hot waters , " I kept saying to myself . I felt my blood was running so fast in my vain . I felt somehow different . I recalled what the police officer said . I said to myself , " Mothers are the ones who care , not the ones who try to mess up . " I remembered that my hands were in my pockets . But when my mother was coming to me , I put them up . I resigned to all the things that may happen to me if the police caught me . My mother hugged me , and I hugged her . I kissed her . She kissed me tenderly . My phone rang . It was a call from Betty . She asked me , " Where are you ? " I told her that I was home . I would meet her down the street in half of an hour . I did that to Betty because I knew what may happen to me if they caught me with her on campus . I knew that I could not get in contact with her . I saw her coming outside the gymnasium ; I went to sit by one of the corners at the school . As I was at the corner , I thought about all the pain that I went through . The corner helped me to remember all the isolation and all the suffering that I faced at the university . It was where that I used to sit when I felt lonely , when I felt pain , and when I felt humiliated . I went to my dorm . I took my suitcases . I gave my room 's key to the resident assistant in the front desk of the IVP room , the main village room . When Betty stepped out , she hugged me . I did not want to hug because I remembered my terrible experience at the university , but I had no choice . I had to receive the hug . I could not deceive her . They got in the car . They drove slowly . They waived their hands at me as they drove as a way to show to me love or affection or to congratulate me for my accomplishment . " I have been thinking about you for days , " she said . " It 's been a while since we haven 't heard from each other . I called you . No one picked up the phone . I went to your room , knocking on your door . No one responded . " We walked slowly . Sarah was escorting me as I walked , telling me about a lot of things that she had been going through . She told me that her graduation was tomorrow . " I know that you are going to leave , " she said . " Tonight , we have to make up things . " I got in the room . The room was fully decorated . Music was playing . People were dancing , drinking beer , and eating on the tables . The tables were full of food . They had a lot of cups . People used those cups to drink . Some of the cups were on the table alone , containing drinks or alcohol . Some people left them on the table to go to dance . There were more than five tables in the room . Some of them had fruits . Some had cakes . Some of them had rise , pizza , or chicken , and others had flowers that were used for decoration . Different colors of lights brightened the room . The music playing was wonderful . You could hear the music even if you were outside . The party was outraging . Couples were making out . The entire people at the party dressed professionally . They wore business attire . As I walked in the room , " You can sit on this chair , " said Betty . " How was your graduation ? " said Betty . " I was there . I saw you when you walked across the stage . There was a big screen . Everyone could see . " " I have some circumstances upon me . I can 't get in contact with her . I talked to Sarah because she was the one who initiated the conversation . I talked to her also because I was not at the university . Otherwise , I would not . I did not want to talk to her . But I could not deceive her because of the way that she approached me . She came too strong , and I could not resist , " I said . I grabbed a cup , opening a bottle of Barbancourt Rhum . As I drank , I looked at attentively the people who were dancing . After a while , Betty asked me , " May you dance that music with me ? " As we were dancing , Betty said , " Nicky , you are my friends . I have something that is very important that I want to talk to you about . I hope that you listen to me . " I am not interested in dating right now , " I said . " I have been going through too much . Right now , I am trying to cope with the pain that I have been going through . " Sarah and Camellia were on the other table that was next to us . They were talking about their personal affairs . No one could know what they were talking about . After a while , I grabbed a plate on the table . I put some food in it . I stood up . I passed from table to table . I put many different type of fruits in the plate . I ate . I could not eat the entire food on the plate . I was still trying to cope with all the pain that I had been facing in my life . " I am sorry , " I said . " There is nothing that I can do at this time . I have my own problem . I am not interested in dating anybody right now . My heart doesn 't belong to anyone right now . " I stepped outside after a while . I stayed in front of the door , watching people who passed by . I could not hear anything but the music playing . I left alone on the table . As I was on the table , I recalled all the pain that I went through at the university , starting to think about my voyage for tomorrow morning . I realized that no matter where I would go , no matter where life would put me , or no matter what I would become , I would never be too friendly anymore so that I would not fall in a hot water like I fell at the university . I would control my feeling and would not fall in love for people who would not feel the same way that I did . I knew that I would get hurt by almost all the things that they would do to me as my father told me . I would be careful even with any body that I may feel who may not like me . I would be careful , especially with females . I knew how dangerous that a female could be , and how easy that any female could mess up any man 's life in this country . Now , I finally realized it in a better way , through deep pain , through bad experience . I recalled what my father had told me . I realized it . I realized it . And I better realized it now . I recalled also what the officer had told me . From there , I knew better how painful that it was to love somebody and not be loved in return . Was discrimination a part of the matter ? It may . It may not , but I had no clue if it was such . However , the policemen or the people who were in charge of the school may know . What could we say about that ? Was it fair ? It may . It may not . I have still had no clue . As I was in the room , people were going out one by one . They were coming in and out . After less than a quarter of an hour , everyone left the room , but I was alone in the room . The music stopped playing . As a result , I decided to step outside . I opened the door . As I was in front of the door , I heard a voice . I heard someone crying loudly . I heard a female 's voice . As I approached , I could see a lot of people at the party at the parking garage . I wondered , why were they here ? What was this ? Was someone dying ? But I knew . I knew for better sure that something was wrong . I did not know what it was , but I knew that someone was crying . When I arrived , I saw that Betty and Camellia put their arms around the person who was crying to comfort her . Her head was down . Camellia in an intelligent way tried to use some good persuasive statements to convince her . " You will have him . Don 't let your heart drive you crazy , " I heard Camellia said . I tenderly used my right hand to lift her head up . I felt pain to see her crying . As usual , I did not like to see people suffering , especially my friends . Sarah had been a good friend to me . I really loved her as a friend . " What 's wrong ? " I said to her . " Please tell me what happen . Don 't you know that it hurts me so deep down inside to see that you are crying ? I cannot see my friend crying . Please tell me what happen . " " I am suffering for you , " she said as she was crying . " It is love that I feel for you . It stays love . And it is powerful . I know that love is pain . That 's why I am crying right now . That 's why I feel pain right now . My love for you is powerful . Nick , I love you , and I cannot help myself with this feeling anymore . I can 't help myself . I can 't fight this feeling anymore . " As my knees were on the floor , I felt it again . And I knew how it felt . I experienced it before . Someone was crying for me . Someone cared about me , loving me . I felt pain in my vain , in my own flesh , or in my blood . I felt pain to see that someone was crying for me . I knew . I knew better how it felt . Sympathy , once an intangible , was now something that I felt for Sarah . I felt compassion . " But I need your love to stop the tears , " she said softly . " Nick ! I love you . I love you . I love you Nicky . " We were in the middle of the people who were at the party at the parking garage . They encircled us . They applauded as they felt happy that help was coming . The next day had come . As Betty drove me home , she secretly told me that Camellia was the one who had reported me to the police . She did that because she did not want to talk to me . " You kept annoying her . The girl doesn 't like you , " said Betty . Betty went on to say that Camellia also did that because she had her own problem at that time . " Camellia 's problem was that Sarah , her friend , was in pain because of you , " said Betty . " She wanted you to go with Sarah . She said that she had to do something with you so that you could leave her alone . She told police that she was a victim of sexual harassment . " " I knew . I knew that somehow , but I wasn 't totally sure , " I said . " I realized it . I realized . I realized it . But I was just not totally sure . " When we arrived , I said thank you to Betty . She gave me a final hug . I did not want to hug , but I could not deceive her . I was trying to be careful . " I knew , and I knew better , " I said to myself . " I know better and realize that it was my mom . It 's not a big deal . " I had realized it . I knew that that could have happened . I knew it somehow , and I was trying to be careful . I had realized it . I had realized that it - anything thing - could have happened to me . It was my mom , my blood who loved me unconditionally , my ancestry who was ready to sacrifice for me , my own flesh who carried me for night months and who gave me life , my sincere courageous and industrious woman who sold candy down the street and who faced a lot of humiliation in her life because of me that were worst than the ones that I faced at the university . I could not cause my mom , my everything , the one that I loved the most than any other one on the face of this earth , the pain . I could not cause her the pain . I could not do the contrary . I could not cause her the pain . About the AuthorRoldens Paulynice was born in December 24 , 1990 in Gonaives , Haiti . He has published many short stories and essays , especially about relationship or love , literature review , education , and politics . Think before You Act and What Causes Many College Students to Fail or Drop out are two of his works that he likes the most . Fortunately , in February 2009 , he had the chance to come to the United States , attended Glade Central High School , and graduated in May 2010 with a 3 . 08 GPA . In May 8 , 2012 , he graduated from Palm Beach State College with an Associate in Arts Degree . In May 2014 , he graduated from Florida Atlantic University with a Bachelor of Science in Economics . He had recently graduated from Lynn University with an MBA in Hospitality Management . Right now , he is currently attending NOVA Southeastern University , pursuing his doctorate in education leadership . In the near future , he wants to become a CPA . Being a writer is something that he has a certain zeal to become in his life , but right now , he is trying , hoping to become a famous one day . He is the author of Teenage Marriages Are Likely to End Unhappily , Think before You Act , What Causes Many College Students to Fail or Dropout , Many People Get Married for Foolish Reasons , An Essay about the Tell - Tale - Heart and The Black Cat , and many other works . Linda Bryen 2 years ago from United KingdomWell done , you have written a painful love story but despite all the pains you endured , you manage to finish your education . Is it your personal story ? Well done , anyway . Gilbert Arevalo 2 years ago from Hacienda Heights , CaliforniaCamellia is a difficult girl to approach when she is not offering encouragement . I don 't know how you did it . I think the story would flow better , Pauleynice , if you edited some of those bad confrontation scenes with Camilla out of the story . She had a right to file a sexual harassment charge earlier than she did . I think the story would look better if you exercised self - restraint in pain rather than her attacking you with the F word . I think it 's clear you 're a good guy down deep and experienced a growing up phase before graduation Linda Rogers 2 years ago from MinnesotaOh my goodness . I am sorry this is a true experience . The high point in this difficult story is that your hard work at college paid off . Sounds like it was a close call to get your degree with some of the issues you went through . I think your story shows how differing cultures can be problematic . You leaving home and your culture , found you venturing into a world of diversity that you did not understand . I hope this difficult experience taught you about respecting boundary issues . When someone tells you they are uncomfortable and don 't want you around , you need to respect that and move on . I can tell your intention was not of malice , but yet one of a young man feeling deeply for a woman . Sometime learning the hard way , through deep pain , is the best teacher . I hope the best for you in the future . Bernadyn 2 years ago from Jacksonville , FloridaThis is a good story with a lot of intense emotions behind it . I remember someone I know once said that there is no logic to love and I think you show that well through this story . I 'm actually surprised that Sarah was that persistent in waiting for Nicky for so long but she also felt that love is powerful so she didn 't want to give up on him . It was a little depressing for me to read and frustrating with all the set backs that Nicky went through while having to finish school . I 'm glad he finished , though , and it 's admirable how much Nicky loves his mother and respects his parents . You really made all the characters come alive . Harish Mamgain 2 years ago from IndiaRoldens , this is a great story of love , pain and meeting . You have a unique style and the words you used here have made a magical effect . I remained glued to the flow of words till the end and enjoyed it with all my heart and soul . You are really a talented story teller . I wish you all success in your writing career . About UsCopyrightTerms of UsePrivacy PolicyCopyright © 2017 HubPages Inc . and respective owners . Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners . HubPages ® is a registered Service Mark of HubPages , Inc . 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I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . [ ScarletNova and Kira Hatsuke ] Ayano had already gotten up even before her alarm clock set for the morning had went off . She had gotten her school uniform on after taking a shower and fixing up her hair with the two small ponytails that she added with the rest of her pink hair still down . She smiled at the mirror happily , then headed out of the room after making her bed . Her mother always wanted her to make her bed and of course Ayano was the kind of person to listen . She went into the kitchen and seeing that her parents had already left for their work she quickly grabbed some toast for breakfast and made up a bento box for lunch . She placed it into her school bag , and then went to her door . She opened it and walked out , making sure to lock the door back up once she was outside . She turned and made her way to the sidewalk , so that she could walk to school . The school wasn 't too far away so that was what she always ended up doing . She really didn 't mind , especially on sunny nice warm days like the one that was happening at that time . If it was a rainy day all she needed to do was bring an umbrella with her . So , she made her way down the sidewalks towards her school , getting there after not too long . She turned towards the building and towards the doors in had at the entrance . Meanwhile , there were a few people taking glances at Ayano , whispering about stuff she probably wouldn 't know unless it came around as gossip to her friends . Just then , as she entered the doors a few girls came to surround her , her friends . Saying hi as she walked , but made sure she was going directly to the classroom instead of anywhere else . She made it into the classroom , and took a seat at her assigned desk with her friends crowding around her as they talked . " That 's the last one . . . " Zero exhaled as he wiped away some of the sweat that had trickled down his forehead . Four o ' clock in the morning and he finally returned home . Of course he knew that no one would really care . Both of his parents were probably to busy partying their lives away anyways . At Eight in the morning Zero 's alarm was still going off , persistent clock . . . Zero got up letting out a groan of irritation as he walked over to his alarm clock and knocked It off the shelf causing it to land on it 's head shutting up the annoying bussing sounds . With wide eye 's Zero picked up the clock with the now cracked screen . Eight o two . " I 'm gonna be late ! " He rushed out of his room heading down to the bathroom to get the uniform he never bothered to take care of . It wasn 't that he was concerned about being on time , it was that he wasn 't in the mood to get chewed out by the principal . . . again . IT took Zero ten minutes to gather all of his things . Of course he was more worried about eating than he was anything else . Leaving his tie untied and the top two buttons of the formal shirt undone Zero threw on his shoes . Though by the time he was out the door he could already hear the school bell begin to ring . " Damn it all ! " He said bursting into a sprint making it into the gates just as everyone had more than likely gotten to their classrooms . Once in the gates Zero slowed his pace . Better for him not to draw to much attention to himself . As he turned the first corner to enter the building there he was , good old mister dome head . The principal . " Late again Zero ? ! Why haven 't I gotten you expelled yet ? ! " The man yelled spitting in Zero 's face as he did so . " Cause you love me ! " Zero said kissing the old man 's giant potatoe nose . That drew the line . A few minutes later the principal had pushed Zero all the way to the same classroom Ayano was in . " Mister Shiratami , I believe you have a tardy . " The principal said pushing Zero into the room until he was face to face with the teacher . " Hey , getting a schedule change in the middle of the semester can be a tricky thing don 't you know ? " Zero asked looking over his shoulder to see the principal who had stormed out of the room . This day is going to be just like all the rest , Zero thought to himself . " My name is Zero Hiroyuki . As for what my plans for the future are , I never took any time to think about it . I just go with the flow of everyday life not really worrying about what my future has in store for me . So in short I have no ambitions at all . " Zero said in a lazy tone showing he really didn 't care , which didn 't seem to impress anyone . Great , the straight A highlight of the school , little miss perfection , Zero could already tell that this was going to be a long year . He adjusted his bag over his shoulder and went to go and sit next to Ayano , his first reaction was as it was every time he got into a class . He laid his head down . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . After everyone had settled down and were in their seats , it seemed as if it was time to start the class . With that in mind , Ayano opened up her bag and pulled out her purple pen along with her notebook . She smiled , looking at all the colorful things she had in her bag . She had always liked to buy things with different sorts of colors because she felt like it was able to make you laugh and be cheerful when you saw it . Though , as soon as she had placed her things onto the desk to be ready to take notes a sudden outburst came from the door . Ayano looked up from her desk , her smiling fading a bit . She wasn 't really used to sudden surprising like the principle pulling some guy into the class and the guy looked kind of a bit . . . scary to Ayano . She listened as she heard the three in the front talking about ending up in the class . Did that mean they were going to end up with outburst like that a lot now , Ayano really hoped they didn 't but if that happened she would just have to continue her studies by herself later after school . Her home was quiet most of the time anyway , perfect for working on school work . Ayano shook that out of her head , as she listened to her suddenly new classmates introduction . Zero Hiroyuki , she had heard of him before and she was pretty sure she had seen him around . He was the one that most people said was quite troublesome and a player . Though , that didn 't matter to Ayano as long as he didn 't go bothering her . Unfortunately , she had that thought too soon considering the teacher ended up placing him next to her . Why didn 't she even realize that there was a seat open next to her , she should have known it was going to happen . She turned to face him when he sat down and went to smile to say hello , but before she could do much of anything his head was already down . So much for saying hello then , and instead took her pen in hand and began to write notes when the teacher again began his lesson . Time went by , with the teacher lecturing and writing down things on the chalkboard . Soon enough , after a few pages of notes that class was just about over . Zero had little to no interest in learning new things that the teachers had to spout out . Zero eventually began to snore , little did he know that every class he had scheduled was with this Ayano girl . Once the bell rang Zero was up , though before Ayano could leave the teacher would walk up to her , his face looking grim and seeming full of worry . " Ayano my girl , you are a well modeled student . I hate to trouble you but would you mind looking after the young Zero boy ? He 's always getting into trouble , and I fear that if he keeps this attitude and record up he won 't graduate highschool at all . You don 't have to respond right now but please just try and think about it . As Zero walked down the hall he let out a heavy sigh , he had to drop some books off at his locker , it wasn 't like he was going to be using them today anyways . " Hey Yuki ! " The shortened version of Zero 's last name . He turned and dodged an empty soda can that had come flying his direction . " What do you want Kudo ? " Zero asked seeming rather irritated . The man he was talking with Kudo Hibaki . A fellow classmate of his that he had fought in the past few nights and had beaten up rather badly at the warehouse . Zero raised a brow . This guy was a bad fighter and Zero knew that . Though the last thing he needed was to go to jail again , he wouldn 't be able to afford another bail bond for at least a couple more weeks . Surely enough they were causing a scene in the hall way as people gathered to see what all the fuss was about . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Ayano started to pack her things when the teacher came up to her . She listened . . . take care of Zero ? That was what the teacher was asking her to do . She smiled , " No need for me to think about it , I 'll gladly help out . " She said before the teacher walked back off to him desk after giving Ayano a sincere thank you . Ayano picked up her bag and got up from her desk when a few friends of hers appeared . " Don 't say that , I heard he 's a player . He 'll probably just end up doing what he wants with you if you say that . " The talk continued on . Ayano wasn 't one to go talking about people , however , and she wasn 't really fond of it . " You guys , it 's not nice to judge him based on rumors . " Ayano replied . " I 'll be fine and I really don 't mind helping . I just hope he 'll accept it , he doesn 't seem to open up into talking to a lot of people very easily . " As she was saying this , the group was walking about of the classroom to go to their next class . Surely enough , they ended up passing Zero and his beat - up friend as they were talking , though the girls didn 't seem to notice . Some of them could really be oblivious to things when they got into conversations . Meanwhile , they were trying to walk to get to their next class . " You sure that 's a good idea ? I mean think about how bad you got your ass whooped the last time . " Zero said with his hands in his pockets . One of Kudo 's friends was chuckling before taking a drink of his soda , which Kudo soon grabbed and threw . Zero easily dodged the throw but didn 't notice it went and hit Ayano in the back of the head spilling soda all over her . " Fine you asked for it then . " Zero said being completely oblivious to what had happened behind him . With in an instant he had Kudo laid out on the ground out cold . Letting out a heavy sigh Zero turned only to see Ayano hit by the can he had so easily avoided . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Ayano didn 't expect anything to go happening to her as she was walking with her friends , but suddenly she felt something hit her head and then a liquid that felt very cold . She heard the can fall to the ground , as the soda dripped all of her hair and back . Normally , Ayano was a happy person but she wasn 't really happy end up getting hit in the head with a can of soda . She turned around quickly , to see that Zero was staring at her and another guy was on the ground . She picked up the soda can and started to walk over to them . She was actually quite upset , but it wouldn 't be good to be angry at school . Once she was over to Zero she took his hand and put the can into his hands . " Next time , put it in the trash . " She said , then gave him a smile . She then turned away , and started to head into the bathroom to try and clean her self off with her friends . You had to say they were very shocked at what happened , and wondered what Ayano would do . It was interesting to watch a cute , small girl go facing up to that sort of guy and giving him the bottle . They would probably be too afraid and ran off . Quickly though , they followed Ayano into the bathroom to help clean her off . Luckily , Ayano was always ready for anything and she had ways to clean herself up so that no one else would really notice what happened to her . Zero took in a deep breathe and held it there for as long as he could . He could feel his body begin to tense up . He knew he was about the get the shit slapped out of him . But relief washed over him when she put the can in his hand simply telling him to throw it away . Once the girl walked away he looked to the soda can and his eye 's seemed to soften . No one had ever come up to him with such a calm approach . Everyone else was either scared of him or hated him . . nothing like this had ever happened . Zero did as the girl asked and threw the can away in the trash . His mind seemed completely occupied as he avoided his next class walking out into the courtyard . He wanted to be done with school for the day . Just be done with all of it . Instead he went and layed on a bench under one of the trees at the center of the courtyard . Why wasn 't she like the others ? Why did she have to be different ? Why was this bothering him so much ? ! The more he thought about it the angrier it seemed to make him . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . After Ayano was finished in the bathroom , she headed to her class again . As expected , it looked like nothing even touched her . " That 's Ayano for you . " One of her friends had said before they has to separate from each other since they were in a different class . Once in her class , Ayano again got ready though she made a sigh when she thought about what just happened . Why did she have to get hit by the soda ? It still kind of hurt to get hit by a can , did they do it on purpose ? She never really had anyone pick on her before . Yeah , there were girl 's who had gotten jealous but they never acted on it because they knew it would make them look bad . Oh well , that didn 't matter anyway she said she would help him out and no matter what he does she was going to accomplish what she was asked to do . Some of the people were surprised by Ayano 's sigh and all of a sudden wanted to help her , though the class started which was a good thing because she didn 't have to go telling anyone what had happened . Eventually , another class went by and it was finally time for lunch . Though , she had heard from the teacher that Zero was supposed to be in her class and he wasn 't there . So , during the lunch break she decided to go find him while taking her lunch . Once she went out to the courtyard she noticed him on the bed , laying there . She walked up to him and stood there . " Do you have anything for lunch or any money to buy something ? " She asked . Zero peered through his bangs . It was her again . Was she following him around or something now ? Zero held in a growl from his stomach . HE had forgotten to pick up money or lunch alone for that matter . " No thanks . " Zero said gathering his bag and walking past both girls . The red head stood there as if she had just been shot . Motionless . " I guess the only place I can be alone is on the roof . . . " Zero mumbled to himself . Eventually he made it there , there was a fence blocking off the edge . Zero climbed the fence and sat along the thin lining of an edge that there was there . Being five stories off the ground sitting on an edge that was only eight inches wide was not a safe idea , though it didn 't seem to be something that Zero minded doing . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Ayano watched as the scene went on in front of her . Once Zero was gone , Ayano placed her hand on the red headed girl shoulder . " Don 't take it personal . He seems to be in a bad mood today . I think something went on with his friends and him . " She said , thinking about the moment when the guy was on the ground . She smiled to the girl , hoping that what Ayano said would possibly cheer her up a bit . " Plus , he doesn 't seem to be very social to other people that he hasn 't already known for a long time . Why don 't you try giving that lunch to someone else . I 'm sure there 's plenty of people who might have forgotten as well . " Once that was over and the girl did seem to cheer up a bit Ayano took a seat on the bench and began to eat her own lunch as the girl ran off to go back to the people she was used to being around . Geez , he really didn 't have to be so mean to her . . . Ayano thought in her head . He really was going to be a troublesome character to deal with , but she was asked to watch out for him and she wasn 't going to go back on her word . She finished up her food , then closed up her box . She stood up and started to head back to the classroom . He wasn 't going to go listening to her now , he didn 't seem in the mood . Once back , it was the start of their next class and with that the day went on . Again , for each class Ayano would take good notes and listen carefully . Finally , it was almost the end of the day and her last class was gym . She was luckily to have it at the end where she didn 't have to worry about sweating the whole school day . She went to the locker rooms and began to change into the usual gym uniform with the others . When she was done , she started to head outside because that 's where they were told they were going to have class considering the nice weather . She got to the class , and waited around with the others until the class would start . Zero let out a sigh . He figured he would face the other half of his classes . As usual he slept through every single one of them , in foreign language he almost pissed himself when the teacher started yelling at him in Spanish . Though through out all his other classes it was the same . Then there was gym . HE went to the locker room to get changed with out much of a hassle . Zero made his way out to the track where his class was . Everyone seemed to have their own little groups they fit into . Though Zero never took the time to make any close friends , so he walked by all of them and sat on the ground on the far end of the track waiting for the teacher to get there . Zero only like this class when he could run or box . Those seemed to be the only things he enjoyed , running and fighting . Zero always loved to run because he felt he was leaving all of his problems in the dust . Though he had natural athletic talent he never joined any sports even though he had gotten countless offers from all of the coaches . It would be a good vent for his anger problems but he didn 't want to waste energy on that . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Soon enough the rest of the class came , and Ayano noticed that Zero did actually show up this time . She took a glance over to him , he was sitting down away from everyone . just as she thought . He really did seem to like talking to anyone . Well , that was going to change because she was going to get him to talk to her . She was starting to walk over to him when the teacher came and said they were going to run and that the girl 's were up first . So , she was going to have to do some running before she could talk to him . She was in the first group to go too . She went up to the line and waited for him to tell them to go . Once he did , Ayano started to run and surprisingly though she might seem like she wouldn 't be good at running , she was . She was in the front of them all , and made it look easy . Which , of course , impressed a lot of people . " I know , and good at a lot of things . I really wish I could date her . " His friend reply . " But I 've never seen her accept anyone who asked her out . " Meanwhile , Ayano was still running gracefully and made it to the finish line in first place . She stopped and took in a few breaths . The truth was she was just determined to get done and go over to talk with Zero . She wanted to help him out , not matter what he said . Suddenly , she turned and began to walk back over to him like she was going to do before . Zero didn 't understand why , but listening to this guy made him angry . HE couldn 't understand it and again his anger began to get the better of him . Standing up he shoved his hands into his pockets and walked up behind the guy bringing up his foot and placing it on the back of the boy 's head causing him to lean forward . " Listening to fanboy idiots like you really pisses me off you know . How much do you even know about this girl ? Do you know what she likes , what her favorite color or food is or anything like that ? If your answer is no I would suggest you shut up now before I turn you around and kick your ass infront of the whole damn class . " I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . The guys were terrified with what was going on , especially Zero 's target . " A - alright , okay . . . I 'm sorry . I won 't say anything again . " He said , trying to get away from Zero . Ayano could suddenly hear some commotion , which she turned to see . Zero was getting into another fight and no one else could understand why . Ayano started to head over to the three guys . Two of them who were completely shocked . " What 's going on ? " She said , concerned . " Zero , don 't do that . You 're going to hurt him . Just let him go . " Ayano 's smile had left her face , this guy really was going to be a handful to take care of and she really wasn 't sure if she could do it . Though , she didn 't know what the reason for this sudden fight was for after all so she couldn 't really say anything too much about it . Just then the teacher came running over and tried to stop the situation . " Hey , stop it . Don 't make me get the principle " He said loudly and forcefully ; he was the gym teacher after all and he could get kind of scary too . Zero 's glare turned from the back of the student 's head to Ayano . Then from Ayano to the gym teacher . Not breaking the gaze he pushed the student forward onto the ground before bringing back his foot . A clear challenge . Zero never liked being told what to do , whether be it a student or a teacher or hell even the president himself . " Get onto the track , you 're running . " The teacher said . Zero kept gaze until he walked past the teacher . Zero started at the line . He didn 't want to draw any attention to himself , so when the teacher shouted go , Zero put little to no effort in and practically jogged the whole thing . The kid that won was captain of the track team . Even though Zero knew he could have beaten him he stood by not wanting any attention . He planned to spend the rest of the class alone . With everything that had happened and all the fights he had scheduled for today he couldn 't afford any more distractions . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Ayano sighed , at least there wasn 't anymore fighting that happened and he listened . Though , he still didn 't seem too happy . She wondered what had happened . The student on the ground was helped up by his friend and taken to the nurses office to make sure he was okay . Ayano went and took a seat under a tree for shade from the sun and took out a water bottle she had saved in her bag . She took a drink and watched Zero as he ran . He really wasn 't into it , probably because he was told to . He didn 't seem to like being told what to do at all . She would just wait for him though and ask him about somethings when he was done . Hopefully , he would finally talk to her or else she was going to have to end up following him all the time and that would look weird . She continued to watch him though , at least there was something interesting about him that made her want to know more and she really did want to help him . After all , that reputation he had wasn 't the best to have . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Ayano watched as Zero made his way away from everyone again . She laughed a little , there was something about the way he looked that made it seem like he really didn 't want to be doing that . So , she got herself up from where she was at and started to head over to him . Before he could even think about leaving , she took a seat right beside him and smiled at him . " I 'm Ayano . " She finally said , " We sit next to each other in the morning . I hope that fight just now wasn 't too much and the one that you might have had with your friend . " She wanted to be able to talk to him , hopefully he wouldn 't go running away from her again like he did at lunch . She could try and stop him if she wanted , though grabbing onto him might make some strange stares come there way . She was sure of that , and she didn 't want to end up causing trouble for him or the people who would stare at him . He probably didn 't really like being stared at . zero had been looking at the ground , so he didn 't realize until the girl came and sat next to him that the small barrier of solitude had been penetrated . What did this girl want ? God she must have had a death wish if she felt the need to come and interact with him when he was in such a bad mood . She introduced himself , then mentioned a friend . It made him laugh . A rare occurrence . " Kudo 's not my friend idiot . He 's a student here that I got into a fight with a couple of days ago . " If Kudo wasn 't injured , the fight wouldn 't have been as short as it was . Kudo was an amazingly skilled fighter . The last time Zero fought him he ended up walking away with more injuries then he was comfortable with . He thought of the giant bruise on his left ribs and his arm , and leg , he let out a sigh . HE figured he needed no introduction since his reputation proceeded him . And whether she had planned for this or not was unknown to Zero , but people were already beginning to stare . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
After David ran the Boston Marathon for the second time back in the spring on 2007 , he decided that he was going to be a vegetarian . At the time I was mad . I don 't want to be a vegetarian ! ! He had decided that he wanted to continue on a healthy path , since he knew from experience that after he ran a race and stopped training so diligently , he was bound to put on a few pounds . It wasn 't really that big of a stretch . We were not your typical meat and potatoes , midwestern - raised type of couple . If you looked in the freezer , I maybe had a few chicken breasts and some ground turkey . We rarely had red meat in the house . So . . . he did it . We bought cookbooks , printed recipes from online , and tried lots of new meals . I basically became an at - home vegetarian , which means exactly what you think : at home I didn 't eat meat , but when I needed some it was always a quick stop through the Wendy 's drive thru . After about six months , I was surprised he was still sticking to it . At a year , I was flabbergasted . Shouldn 't this be a phase ? ? ? As we rang in 2011 , I couldn 't believe he was still going strong . D : " I know it 's going to be hard on you when we get to England . I think I 'll start eating meat again , to make it easier on you when you are preparing dinners and stuff . " So , here I am , cozy in my kitchen in Oxford , making something called Toad in the Hole . We make a menu every weekend for the upcoming week in order to be more efficient in our grocery shopping , and I agreed to try a new English meal for dinner once a week . I wasn 't so sure about something named Toad in the Hole , but . . . IT WAS DELICIOUS ! ! It 's a good thing that I walk a LOT more around here , or all this bread and potatoes slathered in gravy would certainly impede my weight loss goals . Here is the recipe , for those of you adventurous enough to try ! Enjoy ! Make the batter first by sifting together the flour , salt , and sage . I 'd say that I used about 1 / 2 teaspoon of salt and the same of the sage . Break in the eggs and then slowly stir in the milk , using a whisk to make it really creamy ( I used my electric hand mixer ) . If the batter is lumpy it won 't rise in the oven . Cover the batter and stick it in the refrigerator for an hour or two ( or more ) so that it is ready to go when you need it . When you are ready to cook , brown the sausages in a flat bottomed pan in a preheated oven ( ( 230 * C or 450 * F ) . Put enough oil in the pan to cover the bottom . ( My first attempt at this , I put too much oil in , so be careful of this ! ! ) When the sausages are lightly browned ( I turned them to brown both sides ) , pour in the batter . The oil should be hot enough at this point that when you pour the batter in , it sizzles . Put the dish back in the oven for about half an hour , but be sure not to open the door and let the air out or the batter will fall . Serve immediately with gravy . Over here , the best selling gravy is this Ahhh ! Bisto stuff . It 's these granules that you just add boiling water to . I was a little skeptical the first time I made it , but it was delicious as well . ( Don 't tell my Grandmas I used powdered gravy ! ) The meal was fantastic , even though the first time I made it I used too much oil in the pan and it overflowed a bit . At that point I still wasn 't used to our fan - assisted oven , either , so the top got a little well done . Second time around ? YUM ! ( The finished photo above is from my second attempt . ) The second weekend in town , it was time to get out on the road ! Best to start small , though . David drove us out to his office , and I was able to test out driving on the right side of the car . Granted , we barely left the parking lot , but it didn 't seem that strange ! I basically just worked on turning and steering , and a little bit on parking . I felt like I just wasn 't getting the parking thing , and I thought that if there had been other cars in the parking lot that I would have hit them . So in order to test that , I had David get out of the car and stand in a spot and pretend to be a parked car . Come on , unlike a parked car , he could have gotten out of the way if I was about to plow into him ! ! ! ; o ) We were working on this when a security guard came up to Dave and asked what he was doing . When he told him we were just practicing driving , the guard said we couldn 't be here because it was private property . Dave said , " I know . . . I work here . " The guard totally changed tune and wished us well and to have a pleasant day . Funny . He was trying to be all tough at first , but I bet that was the most excitement that guy has seen in months on the job ! ! We also practiced the two small roundabouts by the office . THEY ARE SO STRANGE ! ! ! I get the logic behind it ; they keep traffic moving rather than having people stopped up at lights or stop signs . But what about the roundabouts that are so big they have stop lights INSIDE them ? Like I said , strange . That first day we didn 't go on " real " streets , partially because it was just for me to try it out , but also because I couldn 't get my contacts in that morning . It is a lot more windy here than I am used to , and that has taken it 's toll on my eyes ( or my ability to weather out the wind with my contacts in place ) . Here are some observations about driving in the UK , on the left side of the road / right side of the car : ( it isn 't " wrong , " friends . Just different . ) * English drivers are fearless . The roads are so narrow here , and a lot of them still have cars parked on either side of the street . These drivers fold their mirrors in and even sometimes park partially on the sidewalk . But it is still a bit scary driving down these roads next to the parked cars with traffic coming towards you ! * Beyond being fearless , English drivers are extremely courteous . For example , we live on Abbey Road , which is a narrow two way street the width of a one way street , with cars parked on each side . So if you are coming down and someone is coming towards you , one of you has to pull off to the side . Not only does this happen with no hesitation , it is often accompanied by a wave and a smile . Same thing goes for when you are turning . People will just stop and let you turn ; most of the time they will flash their lights or wave and just let you go . And very rarely do I hear a honk of a horn . * Bicyclists are all over the place here , and they certainly have the right of way - - and are given it ! The drivers are so courteous of the cyclists . I can 't get over it . Neither can I get over the fearlessness of the riders ! Imagine what I said up there about the narrow streets and cars coming towards you . Now factor in someone ( without a helmet , I might add ) peddling along on a bicycle next to you ! * Drivers and cyclists seem to be very trusting around here , for all of the reasons I listed above . For example , in the roundabouts . Very few people use their signals , which is going to make it hard for me to learn when it is necessary / appropriate to do so . But people seem to fly right around those roundabouts with nary a care in the world , while still able to stop or change lanes when someone else ( me ? ? ) is trying to figure out what the heck to do in that thing . * * Lastly , ( I am sure this is just me ) , but I am so much more aware here . For all of the reasons already listed , I have to be on my toes . Bad driving habits accumulated over the last 17 years have been corrected as I try to get the hang of this new and challenging system ! Yet when it comes right down to it , so far driving here is a lot easier than I thought it was going to be , and I seem to have gotten the hang of it pretty quickly ! ! ! It certainly didn 't seem like it our first week in Oxford . I guess I should say , " Does the work week still have five days ? " because the days with David gone seemed to drag on and on . The first weekend here in the house we had limited supplies : i . e . whatever had fit into our suitcases . We had one towel ( and the one cheap one I bought at the market on Saturday ) , and no linens other than Maxwell and Darian 's blankets . So David and I layered up and shivered for two nights , with Darian sleeping on a couch cushion in the corner of our bedroom . ( I am kicking myself for not taking a picture of that ! ! ) Luckily , Monday morning the movers arrived to deliver our shipment , so we were only without our things for two days . Now , if you read my post about the movers on the Burbank side of things , you 'll know that I didn 't really have the best experience with Earl and Poncho . I joked to my friend Jamie that I was hoping the movers in Oxford would be polo - shirted university boys . She said , " Good Luck ! " Perhaps it 's the accent , but this wishful thinking paid off because the two men who arrived were not too far off that mark ! They were clean , polite , proper and efficient . They were supposed to arrive at 10 , but called at 915 to ask if they could come early . They had everything unloaded and unwrapped before 10am ! After having Earl and Poncho sweating and smelling up my house for six hours , this was a very nice surprise ! ! I had my work cut out for me , but my first order of business was to get the sheets and blankets out ! Maxwell and Darian were both extremely excited to see all of their toys , so they were completely occupied . I got busy , and before I knew it David was coming home from work . You know me , though . I wanted everything unpacked and put away NOW . Here 's the problem , though . We are renting a furnished house . The homeowners only left for six months , and they left things behind for us to use . But that also meant they left things behind that I wouldn 't want / need , and that made it feel strange to try and figure out where to put things away . We ended up deciding to only use the room Maxwell is in for him to sleep . The only things in Darian 's room are her crib ( which we bought at IKEA later that first week ) and the pack n play . And the dining room is now the storage room , or " put all the stuff we don 't want to use in there " room . After that first day home with the kids , I decided that we couldn 't eat in the dining room , as it isn 't attached to the kitchen at all , and in fact is a decent walk from the kitchen into the doorway to enter . With me home serving the kids 2 sometimes 3 meals a day by myself , I really didn 't like the idea of being so far from where they were eating if I had to be preparing something or get up to fetch something else . So we are now all eating at a small folding table in the garden room . Monday was hard for me . We had been apart from David for so long , and now we were in this new place all by ourselves . I felt like we didn 't have any time together to explore or get used to our surroundings before he had to start work again . I had just had surgery a little over a week before , and I was still a little sore . Especially after climbing the stairs so many times and unpacking . The realization of how hard the time difference would be hit me hard . Every time I wanted to pick up the phone ( which we didn 't even have yet , but you get the idea ) I had to stop myself because it was only 2am , 3am , 4am in California . I felt very far removed and alone . I was also feeling like my SAHM job was going to be so much more difficult here . We don 't have a tumble dryer , and the washing machine took almost 2 hours to wash my first load . By the time I got it all hung to dry , it started to rain and I ran out to bring it in . Two minutes after I got inside , the sun came back out and it didn 't rain again all day . That night the inevitable tears came , and David sat next to me on the edge of the bed . We heard a horrible noise and both started laughing . The IKEA bed frame wasn 't the most supportive thing so sleep on , and was in serious need of a handyman ! We put the container with Maxwell 's blocks under the bed , and David made me promise to ignore the boxes and go out to town the next day and explore . . . The kids and I started off on our adventure . We only live about 1 / 2 mile from the city centre , if even that . We have a deal that the kids can walk to the end our our street , but then when we reach the busy street at the corner , they have to get in the stroller . We explored town a bit , found a Starbucks and the Post Office , and got a few more groceries . It was great to get out of the house and ignore the boxes . Look what Maxwell found while we were out in town ! On Wednesday I tackled more boxes and was able to Skype with my friend Jamie for a while when the kids were napping . It was so great to talk to her that I forgot that I was so far away ! On Thursday we went to town again , but I got sad because I kept seeing things that reminded me of my friends ! And of course , I think of my dear friend Aine every time I hear someone here talk . I just love British accents . ( Do you think I 'll come home with one ? I have found that the inflection in my sentences is already changing a bit . Uh oh ! ) Back in Burbank , Dave was lucky enough to work right across the street . His commute was about 5 minutes . Here , even though his office is less than 4 miles away , it takes him about 35 minutes to drive home . We live very near the city centre and you can 't drive through it ; you have to go around . He still aims to be home for dinner at 630 , and most nights he is . Yet somehow our evenings seem to go by so fast here . Dinner , clean up , a bit of playtime , baths , books and bed . . . it goes by way too fast and before you know it it 's 11pm . Needless to say , that first week was a long one , and I still felt like I didn 't get to see David much . We were looking forward to our weekends even more than we did back in CA , so that we could get out of the house and start exploring ! ! Our first weekend in Oxford was eye opening ! It 's amazing to be so far away , to feel that everything is so totally different , but at the same time feel right at home . All it takes is a a few comforts of home and the most important thing : the smiling faces of the people you love ! After we arrived on Saturday , we immediately wanted to shower and sleep . . . but we had no towels or sheets ! I didn 't sleep on the plane and was exhausted , but I know my body well enough by now , and if I had napped during the day I would have been up all night . Best to live the day as intended and sleep at night ! First we headed out to town to get something to eat for lunch and pick up some food at the market for dinner . Our first Oxford pub experience was The King 's Arms , where David had a classic roast dinner and I had a salad with butternut squash and goat cheese . YUM ! The kids weren 't interested in pub food , but Dave and I certainly enjoyed it ! We walked around town and just took in the sights . It is so beautiful here , and the shops are so fun to cruise around ; I feel like I notice a new shop every day . We stopped at the market for necessities : bread , milk , eggs . Here is where stuff started to seem weird . We don 't know any of the brands , and there is no familiar packaging , so when looking for something a little more adventurous that those items , we were lost ! We settled for a frozen pizza and called it a day ! ( I also got a really cheap washcloth , hand towel and bath towel to get us through to Monday when our shipment arrived . With no linens at all in the house and our ignorance as how to get the broiler going for the water heater and radiators , we were actually very lucky that we had that extra five days in Illinois ! ! ! ! ) . . . I unpacked our suitcases and tried to look around and figure out how to arrange the house to best fit our needs . The homeowners left behind a lot of personal items : books , photo albums , artwork . . . and it was hard for me to imagine US here . The furniture and artwork are not really our style , but we are only in this house for six months , and we really lucked out with the location , price and amenities , so I am not complaining ! We all slept in until almost 11am on Sunday , which was a much needed treat . We had a lot more exploring to do , so after breakfast we headed to town and walked around some more . Right down the street we saw this place , and got excited that we might get to have some " Mexican " food over here after all ! We walked around for a while and really just looked at stuff . I have never lived in a city like this before , where you can walk downtown and get all your errands done in one place , within walking distance to your house . It 's REALLY cool ! One of my biggest pet peeves about running errands back in Burbank was that with both kids , it was so annoying to have to get them in and out of their carseats ten times to get all my errands done . We wanted to get our bearings and figure out where things were : the bank , post office , Starbucks . : o ) On the way back home , we came down a different street and found this Latin Restaurant , where we shared some yummy tacos ! We may just survive here after all ! ( This is the corner at the back exit of the shopping center we went to . I really like the look of this street corner , although it is a bit misleading because just a block away there are tons of people milling about ; here in the back and it quaint and quiet . ) Sunday , our first day waking up in the new house , was Mother 's Day and my 33rd birthday . After almost two months without David , being together with our babies without any distractions was the best gift I could have asked for ! But a piece of cake would have been nice . . . After naptime on Sunday we decided that we should go to the store to get some more food . But apparently this country doesn 't quite operate on the 24hrs a day , 7days a week type of schedule that we 've grown accustomed to in California ! The store we had been to on Saturday closed at 4 , as did the other shops we found online . We ended up finding a M & S that was open until 5 , so we were able to get enough food to last us a couple more days , and we also grabbed the first cake I saw ! We were able to Skype with Mom , Shelly , Jill and the babies since they were all together in Irvine . All in all , it was a pretty amazing first weekend in our new home , however exhausting . The only thing that sucked was that the weekend was coming to a close , and the next day it was back to reality : David at work and the kids and I at home , fending for ourselves After months of preparing we finally arrived in England ! Writing this blog after being here for several weeks , it is actually pretty hard to put myself back in that place . David and I traveled to London together four years ago , so coming to this part of the world was not entirely new for us . He lived in London for a year in college . Yet as all parents know , it is totally different once you have kids ! First difference ? Instead of waiting in line at Immigration for an hour , an attendant pulled us to the front of the line . The kids weren 't even making a fuss , so this was quite a surprise ( a much welcome surprise ) . Maxwell giggled as we lifted him up for the immigration agent to compare his passport photo to the handsome real life version , and a sleepy Darian poked her head out of the Ergo long enough to give a little grin , herself . We didn 't have to wait long for our bags at all , but getting three suitcases , five carry - ons , and two carseats on two carts while pushing the stroller with Maxwell in it and carrying Darian did provide a few sitcom - ish moments . David called ahead for the car to be brought down , which would have been perfect if we had been on the right floor . David bought us a Prius , so luckily it was super easy to put the carseats in , and if we hadn 't been bogged down with so much luggage we would have been out of there in no time . As it was , the parking structure attendants had a few laughs at our expense as they watched David and I play a mean game of Tetris to try and fit everything inside ! Needless to say , 40 minutes later I was sitting in the passenger seat with the stroller and high chair between my legs , which ( like both Maxwell and Darian in the backseat ) were propped up on a pile of odds and ends that had been unpacked from their bag and placed in random nooks and crannies throughout the car . David first real driving experience in the UK was to take himself to the airport two weeks earlier , so getting out of Heathrow and onto the motorway was kind of fun . And by fun , I mean I was chuckling to myself as his unease . ( Hey , he criticizes my driving all the time ! ) We were incredibly lucky to have a navigation system in the car . It wasn 't that weird for me to be in the passenger seat on the left side of the car , or to be driving along on the left side of the road , but what did get to me was the difference in my peripheral vision . Lack of sleep , jet lag , different perspective or all of the above , but I immediately started getting a headache from watching the scenery zoom past in the rearview mirror on my right . I closed my eyes , and figured I would see these sights another day . . . The door you see to the right is our sitting room / living room / office / playroom ! It is very small and cramped and I 'll have to get a better picture someday if it is ever cleaned up . : o ) Behind the living room there is a door to the dining room which we aren 't even using . It is not connected to the kitchen in any way , and for me to be preparing meals and keeping on eye on the kids , it just doesn 't work for us . So right now our boxes are all stored in there , and I have a bunch of junk on the table to sort through ( hence , no picture ! ! ! ) . There is a decent sized yard for the kids to play in , and of course a nice long clothes line for me to hang the wash ! Upstairs there is a small half - bath that also has a bunch of shelves for our linens , and then up a few more stairs is the first floor which has the family bathroom and master bedroom . Up another flight is the two bedrooms the kids are sleeping in . We really do just use them for sleeping . No toys , no decorations . Hopefully we will be able to do something a little more fun once we are in more permanent housing , but for now this is just fine ! We really like the house and the neighborhood . We have met our neighbors , the Price Family , and they are awesome ! Lawrence and Debbie , and they have a five year old son , Noah and three year old daughter , Coco . Debbie has been a huge help to me in figuring out things about the area , and they had us over for a lovely lunch last weekend . The kids played nicely , and it was great to get to know this wonderful family ! Due to my unexpected spa vacation ( hospital stay ) in DeKalb , we missed our trip to Pennsylvania and ended up leaving for London five days later than planned . After saying our goodbyes in Illinois , we were on our way ! The adventure seemed very far away after everything that happened in DeKalb , but this was really happening . We are going to be living in another country for three years ! YIKES ! Even though David was with me this time , I was nervous about flying with the kids . This flight was going to be a LOT longer than the one from CA to IL , and I was still a bit tender from my surgery . But we made it through baggage check and security with minimal problems ( they had to open my carry on and take everything out . . . . long story short , there was too much in it and it was so haphazardly packed that the x - ray couldn 't really tell what was in there ! . . . oops ! ) When we got to the gate , Maxwell wanted to check out the plane . He had Ducky with him when I took him to the window and told him that this was the plane that was going to take us to England . He then repeated it all back and explained to Ducky what was happening . SO CUTE ! ! ! ! Darian kept the gentlemen sitting near us at the gate smiling as she danced and cooed for them . Batted those long eyelashes of hers ! Man , we 're in trouble ! ! ! : o ) We were lucky to have four seats in a row all to ourselves , so with the kids sandwiched between us we started off great . Maxwell and David watched movies almost the whole flight . We had toddler meals delivered for the kids , which kept them happy and occupied for a while . The only trouble was when she got sleepy and Darian wanted to be held . She kicked me accidentally right at my surgery site . Whoa ! That was rough ! The kids did great on the plane and I was so incredibly proud of them . The flight attendants were not very friendly to us . Granted , when we first sat down , Maxwell and Darian both had a field day pressing all the buttons on their armrests . But like I said in my last blog , they shouldn 't have put the attendant button on there ! My kids are for sure not the first toddlers to fly on that plane ! Yet after the newness of the buttons wore off , they were fantastic , so I was pretty displeased with how rude the attendants were the rest of the flight . I waited for everyone else to get off the plane before I ventured out with the kiddos , and NOT ONE attendant offered to help me a bit . One mom , two kids , three carry - ons . Gee , thanks . Damn , and I had packed my supermom cape . . . Anyway , I was already an emotional wreck after the goings - on of the last few days . And I was exhausted . Maxwell wanted to walk like a big boy , but I just wanted to get out of the airport . It was frustrating , but how could I be mad when this is what I was walking behind ? ? ? It took us ages to get to the bathroom to change diapers , and even longer to get to baggage claim . But the worst part was actually getting to baggage claim . Not only are the AA flight attendants not helpful , the guys that sit around and pretend to be security are even worse . Since I couldn 't get the stroller , Maxwell with his bag and myself with my bags down the escalator , I had to go down the elevator in order to get to baggage claim , ( where while all this other dawdling had been going on , Dad already managed to get all five of our bags ) . Yet in order to get to the elevator , we had to go through a revolving door . Um , yeah right . I looked around at about 6 guys sitting on their asses doing nothing , and then finally the guy sitting at the desk on the other side took notice of me . I asked through the glass , " Is there a normal door we can go through ? " I pressed it , and it just wasn 't going to be slow enough for me to handle this on my own . But we tried . Unfortunately , I had my hands so full , and the next thing that happened was like it was in slow motion . I explained to Maxwell what I needed him to do , and he walked in just fine . But then when the door started moving and closing in on him , he froze and sat down and started crying . I couldn 't get to him fast enough , and the door started closing on his leg . Now , like I said , I was already an emotional wreck . I did not react to this emergency situation how I would have liked . I was screaming and crying and pulling on the door to stop it . Alarms started buzzing , Maxwell was hysterical , Darian started screaming from the stroller . Finally I got him out and picked him up and hugged him . It was terrifying . I was afraid he was going to lose his leg . You know how you read about kids getting their feet stuck in escalators and stuff ? Oh , man . My heart was racing ! I checked him out and he said he was okay . A little red mark , but nothing more . I think he was just so freaked out because of how I handled it . Finally , those workers sauntered over and asked if I needed help . We made it down to Dad and the bags , tears and all . At this point I was mostly upset at myself and how I handled the situation . But we had to get moving . We got to the car and I got to work getting the carseats in . Have I ever mentioned that I hate my carseats ? LOL . After moving them so many times in the last two days , I was ready to throw them out onto the expressway and be done with them . The best medicine for a cranky Mama ? GRANDMA RUTH FOOD ! I had totally forgotten that we had arrived on Easter Sunday by this point , and when we got to town we went straight to Grandma and Grandpa Bodda 's house for dinner . It was fantastic . . . just what the doctor ordered ! The next day the kids and I spent the day with Grandma Dort and Grandpa Paul . Maxwell somehow remember that he watched Cars at their house ( LAST JUNE ! ) and of course asked to do that after we had only been there about 20 minutes . Luckily , it was naptime anyway ! Later that night Brian and Diane came over with Christina and Elaina for dinner . It was great to talk to them and kind of pick their brains about their move to France . Finally someone who knew what I had been going through ! Tuesday was a Grandma and Grandpa Bodda day . It started out fine , even with a surprise run - in with Markie ( Williams ) Aguinaga at the bank ! But by the time we got to Grandma and Grandpa 's house , I was in pain . I have had this back pain on and off since Darian was born . It slices right into me , and I feel like I can 't breathe . Normally it comes at night after a long day , I take a couple pain pills and go to sleep . When I wake up in the morning , I am fine . But this was the first time I had ever had it happen in the morning . Tuesday was a LONG day . I basically laid around at Grandma 's house with the heating pad , and the pain pills were not working . We left early to get the kids in the tub and bed . I took two more pills and finally fell into a fitful sleep . Wednesday morning I felt better when I woke up , and luckily Renee ' was coming to visit ! We went over to the Wheeler 's to play for a few hours in the morning and to say our goodbyes . . . we were supposed to be leaving for PA in the morning . At this point , the pain was back , and now I felt like it was all in my stomach . When I hugged my grandpa goodbye , he joked that he shouldn 't squeeze too hard , to which I replied , " Maybe you should . . . squeeze whatever the heck is wrong with me right out ! " Renee ' and I were going to go to Eduardo 's , but I didn 't think my tummy could handle it . We went to VCB to get some goodies first , and then to Jimmy John 's to eat . But I was messed up . We went back to Dad 's so that I could lie down , but it didn 't get any better . I was so lucky to have Renee ' there . She agreed that it sounded like something was really wrong , and she convinced me to go to a doctor . And she offered to stay with the kids so that Dad could take me ! Dad and I went to the Convenient Care in DeKalb . Convenient , my ass . I was in so much pain , I was practically in tears . I couldn 't get comfortable and I had to wait for ages . When I finally saw a doctor , he said he thought it was my gall bladder , but that they couldn 't do anything there and I would have to go to the ER . Luckily , I did get in there pretty quickly . They had me dressed down and hooked up to an IV ( with pain meds ! ) in no time . Then more waiting . Finally I went for an ultrasound ( it 's way more fun to see a baby on that screen ) , and after a while the doctor came back to tell me that I had pancreatitis and gall stones . I was going to have to have my gall bladder out ! Dad stayed with me in the hospital until almost 11 that night . Grandma and Grandpa Bodda took dinner over to the kids and Renee ' , who got them in bed and all tucked in before she headed over to the hospital , too . I am so lucky to have such amazing friends and family ! ! ! On Thursday , David was on his way to DeKalb as I was getting wheeled into surgery to get an endoscopy . My surgeon , Dr . Monfils , explained that he couldn 't remove my gall bladder until they got the pancreas functioning properly . He told me that when they did my blood work that morning , that the enzyme they test for was at 41 , 000 . It is supposed to be around 200 . Yeah , it was pretty bad . Most likely one of the stones had escaped and was blocking the ducts . Luckily , the endoscopy was normal . Nothing trapped or stuck . The next day my blood work was much better , so Dr . Monfils took away my gall bladder . I had been so stressed , overwhelmed , exhausted and plain old worn out that I really needed a break . I just wasn 't expecting it to come with the gown and IV . : o ) In all I spent four days in the hospital , we missed our trip to PA and we stayed in DeKalb for an extra week while I rested . I had to be careful , but really the recovery for this surgery was pretty nice ! Much better than what I went through after pushing out two 9 pound babies ! ! ! And the best thing that will come out of it is that I finally found out what was causing that recurring back pain . And leave it to Erynn to remind me of another plus . This was a text exchange between the two of us the day after my surgery : Erynn : You don 't need your gall bladder anyway . If anything , you 'll lose weight with it gone . What 's it weigh , like half a pound ? I have four little incision marks on my belly , but they are already fading and will soon just look like one of my ever so lovely stretch marks . Maxwell still asks me sometimes to see my owie , and when I show him he runs his finger along it and says , " Mommy , you broke yourself ? You went to the hospital for surderdy ? " : o ) I love these kids ! They make even sucky stuff amusing ! Easter Sunday started bright and early , as we got ourselves up and ready to head to LAX . David was flying to New Jersey for work and his flight was leaving a good hour + before the kids and I were to head to Illinois . Wonderful , wonderful hubby that he is , knowing how much I was dreading being in the airport that extra hour alone with the kids and then alone with them on the flight , he offered to call a shuttle to take him to the airport . He had to get up around 3am in order to do it , but he still did . I LOVE THIS MAN ! ! ! ! ! Steve and Nicole got us to LAX in plenty of time , but I didn 't realize how hard it would be to get packed up and inside ! By the time I got both car seats out and into their travel bags , loaded the cart and stroller , we were heading to check the bags just 45 minutes before the cutoff . When I finally got to the counter to do so , the WONDERFUL woman at the counter asked me if I was traveling alone with the kids and if I wanted either Steve or Nicole to go through security with me to help . Um . . . YES ! ! ! ! ! ! Yet another tearful goodbye ( at least there wasn 't a curb right there that time ) as we hugged and said our adieus to Nicole . Steve helped us take off shoes , fold up the stroller and get everything under the xray machine . That was the part of the airport that I was dreading most , so I am so grateful that he was able to help us ! We got to the gate and were the last people on board , so we had a quick goodbye with Steven . He was supposed to be my rock , the one to keep it together , so when the tears flowed from not only my eyes but his and Maxwell 's , it really was a final goodbye to California . The gate attendant helped us get everything and everyone down to the plane , just in time to get settled and head to Chicago . It really was amazing how much stuff was still lying around on tables and countertops even after the movers took everything we were shipping away . I had been to Goodwill about 40 times , and the storage unit was quickly filling up . Where does all this stuff come from ? ? ? ? ? It had been a long month apart , and I was looking forward to having a couple days with my hubby ! As I pulled up to the terminal to get him , I started crying . I couldn 't believe he was finally home ! ! But even better , was seeing how excited both he and the kids were to see each other . It was really a wonderful moment , and I hope they are never apart for that amount of time ever again ! ! ! After plenty of playtime with Daddy , a nice pizza dinner and the wonderful familiarity of our regular bath , books , and bed routine with Daddy , David and I had a chance to sit down and relax . He was incredibly jet - lagged and wanted to sleep , but there was still work to be done . I needed help going through through the pile of mail that had accumulated , backing up the computer files before we put the big guy into storage , packing up all the other electronics , and packing the suitcases ( after doing his laundry ! ! ) . David passed out around 11pm , but I was still packing and getting things ready . Around 1am he woke up and couldn 't go back to sleep , so the two of us plugged away until about 4am . When we finally did get to sleep , it wasn 't but a short 3 hour nap before the kids were up and we had to get moving for moving day ! Thank you to Nana for coming over to play with the kids while we loaded . Thank you to Monica and Josh , who helped load a TON of stuff for us . Thank you to Steve and Nicole for bringing tools and helping us take apart the cribs and load the rest of the truck . Thank you to Jamie and the kids for coming over to say goodbye and pick up the highchair . It was a crazy , hectic , emotional morning , but the house was suddenly empty and it was time to say goodbye . I wish I had taken a photo of the empty place . ; o ( After a tearful curbside goodbye , I hugged Mom one last time , " Until we meet again " and headed off to Corona . I was met by Shelly , Jill , Brady , Addison , Steve , Nicole , my beautiful babies and a very sleepy husband . We ate , chatted and said more goodbyes . What 's with all the curbside goodbyes ? ? Shelly and Jill loaded up the babies and we shared hugs and tears , and Steve took me to CarMax to sell the Rav4 . The movers were on their way to pack up and take away the stuff that we were having shipped to the UK . Back up about a week , and those who were around for it would remember that this was my Hell Week . I was so overwhelmed and exhausted . My goal was to have everything neatly arranged so that all the movers had to do was get to a pile , pack it up , and be on their way . Ever since the day I had the moving company rep over for our estimate , I was still deluded into thinking that we weren 't shipping that much stuff . And if you were to go look inside our storage unit right now , you would agree . We certainly left a lot behind ! I had pretty much stopped sleeping for more than 4 or 5 hours a night . I had to stay up until at least 11pm to talk to David when he got up at 7am in Oxford . We might talk for a few minutes before he went to work , but then he had to go and I was wide awake . Cleaning , organizing , sorting . . . my new full time job on top of my already exhausting full time job : my kids . And it was really hard to make the transition to stop using the things we were going to ship . Because obviously if they were important enough to ship to the UK , I needed them right up until we left ! The Sunday before the big move , I stayed up working on the task until about 330am . When the kids woke me up and 6 : 30 I just was not prepared for the day . But we had a play date to go to ! We went to Teresa 's house for some much needed mommy time , and the little ones got to cruise around for eggs , make crafts , and eat lots of goodies ! I had to apologize to my friends that day . I was just not myself . I couldn 't stop thinking of the overwhelming amount of work I had to do , and the fact that I could never even start it until 9 : 00 at night after the kids were fed , bathed , dressed , read to , and FINALLY in bed . Luckily , my bestie best , Jamie , and fellow supermom caught me coming out of the bathroom , crying . The stress was getting to me , I didn 't like the person I was because of it , and I didn 't know how to change that on my own . She gave me a much needed hug and graciously offered to do whatever she could to help us out . So Tuesday she brought Gwen and Grayson over to play , and my friend Annie brought Torin . Between the two of them they kept all five kids happy and occupied so that I could get to packing . We needed to transition to suitcases , as after the movers took away our things , we had four more days in CA and then a little over a week traveling to IL and PA . Even with all the help , I was still up until 4am the night before the movers came , or the day of , I guess ! Again , Jamie and Annie were superstars ! The movers were supposed to be coming over between 12 - 2 , so I dropped the kids off at Jamie 's to play so that I could finish up and be at the house for the big event . Later , when Annie had to leave , Sarah and Clementine came over the help Jamie out with the kids . MY FRIENDS ARE AMAZING ! ! ! ! Around 12 : 15pm , I got a phone call from the moving company saying that my movers were on their way and would be at the place by 1pm . They must have stopped for lunch , though , because they didn 't get there until almost 2 ! By this time , I was missing my kids , struggling to stay awake , and honestly , getting a little angry . They hadn 't even done any work yet , and already they were leaving a trail of disgust as they walked through my house . Poncho and Earl . By their names you may unintentially get an image in your head of what these guys may look like , and you 'd be right . Poncho was really hard working and incredibly sweet , but he barely spoke English . Every time I asked him a question he told me to go talk to Earl . Ah , Earl . He was huge , balding , and had no front teeth . And he was dripping with sweat before he even started a thing . But he was really nice , too . . . so smell and appearance aside , I guess this wouldn 't be too bad . The lady on the phone said it would only take them about 2 hours . . . Four and a half hours later , they were done . I couldn 't imagine why it took them so long , since I was so totally organized and had everything all laid out and ready for them . I was cringing with each sound of the tape gun closing a box , and I knew the contents of the package would need to be wiped , cleaned , laundered or disinfected after it was unpacked . Those guys were GROSS ! I called Jamie on my way to pick up the kids and apologized for being late . I brought pizza to make amends and told her that I was going to keep an image in my head of what I hoped the movers on the UK end would look like : Polo - shirted Oxford University boys ! ! ! ( She said , " Good luck with that ! " ) It was a long , exhausting couple of days , but our stuff was on it 's way to the UK . I had been preparing Maxwell for a while about his toys , books and clothes being gone . Packed into boxes and shipped to our new house in England . Luckily , when we got home and he saw the empty space , all he saw was an opportunity to run around and play ! Not to upset you about today , I 'm only telling you b / c I thought it was so sweet . When I was leaving & you were already on your way I told Maxwell we were going home & he said he wanted to go home & had a little lip quiver . I asked him if he wanted a hug & he put out his little arms & said " yeah " so I picked him up & hugged him . Then I asked him if it would make him feel better to hug Darian & he said " yeah " . Before I even put him down Darian was walking over with her little arms open to hug him . Oh the 2 sweetest little kids in the world . You are doing such a good job . They were so cooperative & sweet today ! We are really going to miss you guys ! |
Two years ago , on my way to pick up Hannah from camp , I stopped to meet and visit my blog friends , Apple and her sister , Country Girl . We had dinner together and Apple sent me home with two little Bee Balm plants , one of them a red Oswego Tea . This spring I decided to " weed out " a bunch of my garden plants . The little area was wildly overgrown , so with the help of my son , most of the plants were cut back , covered with cardboard , and topped off with a layer of mulch . My Bee Balm ( red , pink , and purple ) was spared the wiles of the weed whacker and now bring some life and color to the otherwise barren landscape . I 'm thinking I kind of like just ferns and bee balm . ( Yes , and cats too . ) Summer has arrived . . . What to do now ? A Ruby Throated hummingbird had been checking out my Oswego Tea ( Bee Balm ) , but by the time I got my camera he was gone . I will have to look for him again when I have some time to sit and wait . I did a little research and found the ship sailing into Port Oswego the other night was the Pride of Baltimore II . My father was a great lover of ships , I think he would have been fascinated . At one time I think he dreamed of running off to sea , but then again he was also prone to being seasick . Either way he never tired of drawing schooners , whittling them out of wood , or reading stories of the sea . Mom , on the other hand , was and likely still is , afraid of the water . She claims to " swim like a rock . " In spite of this , she once saved up enough money to take Dad on a cruise to the Virgin Islands as an anniversary present . I had a phone call from my Uncle Chuck this afternoon . Due to his health , he is canceling this year 's 4th of July picnic . Though I am disappointed , I also understand that often there are circumstances beyond our control . I 'm not sure what this year 's fourth of July will bring but I do know I 'll be thinking of my uncle and praying for him . I am not really a Skywatch Friday participant , but found myself taking sky pictures this evening . After dropping Ben off at camp tonight , we stopped by Fort Ontario in Oswego , and were blessed with a unique sight . A tall ship was just returning to port and the sun was dropping low in the sky . After posting about " Tinkerbell " this morning , I couldn 't help but think of Captain Hook and Never , Never Land tonight . Sunset in the comapny of the Oswego lighthouse was magnificent . Although the Fort was closed for the evening , we did enjoy a walk around the perimeter . It was a beautiful night . Em and Ivy were playing in the living room . Ivy arrived this morning with a rather nice sized container full of dolls . I listened as they played together . " She 's Peed - Her - Pants Girl , " one of them said . Curious as to what they were playing , I glanced their direction . I do like to make sure they play " nice games , " but am careful where to jump in and redirect their play . This time my concern was unwarranted . It was just Tinkerbell , " Peter Pan 's Girl . " It 's Thursday again and it 's been a while since I did a Thursday Thirteen list . I decided I needed some inspiration since I am am the only one I know who plays this little game . I googled Thursday Thirteen , came up with an official looking site , and visited a few new blogs like this one . Anyway , I don 't have any big plans for this summer , but I do have a few things I 'd like to do . . . 1 . First on my list is to finish the photo album I have started for my Uncle Chuck . Every July 4th he has a family picnic in the park and I thought it would be fun to thank him with an album of memories . 2 . I ordered a windmill cookie mold and a sunflower cookie stamp too . I want to try making some fancy cookies . I 'm looking forward to their arrival . 3 . My flower gardens need some work . . . 4 . I 'm hoping to finally catch up with a couple of blog friends . Maybe we 'll find each other at the beach this year . 5 . There are some big decisions to be made concerning my mom and her living situation . 6 . I want to spend some time just relaxing and visiting with my sisters . 7 . I plan to have coffee with a friend . ( I 'm thinking of you , Pam . ) 8 . We need to find some wonderful places to take a summer hike . The Finger Lakes region is full of great places like Taughannock Falls . 9 . Maybe I 'll go antiquing . 10 . I have plans to help out at Vacation Bible School , and take Emma along , but I don 't know exactly what I 'll be doing . 11 . Hang laundry outside . 12 . Buy some sand for my sandbox and then invite Josh over to play in it . 13 . And maybe , just maybe , I 'll have a yard sale and get rid of the extra stuff that has been hanging out in my dining room since we cleaned out the bedrooms in February . If not , there 's always Goodwill . Wednesday 's can be a little hectic . Today I added to the activity by agreeing to take Ben to a class in the next town . . . at lunchtime . . . with four children in tow . Rather than going all the way home and then running back out less than an hour later , I decided to take the little ones to McDonald 's for lunch . Hey , why not ? I used to be a pro at managing multitudes of munchkins . It went rather well . I ordered 3 kid - sized orange Hi - C 's and a # 10 meal , size large . I split the 10 piece chicken nuggets between the kids ( okay , I ate two ) , we shared the fries , and I got to keep the diet coke for myself . Emma did not think she should eat the chicken ( She 's a little funny that way . . ) but I told her it was her lunch and she was going to eat them . There were only three and she ate them without complaint . Lucas did not eat his very well . He liked the drink best , especially because it had a straw . I returned to retrieve Ben on time but had to sit in the parking lot and wait for him to come out . We waited and waited ; 20 minutes worth ! Emma thought we should drive off and leave him there . I changed diapers on the front seat of my van . One was stinky and the other just wet . We waited some more . I began to feel terribly uncomfortable and had a hard time sitting still . . . Diet coke does not stay in the system long and I knew I would never make it home safe and dry , so I hauled everyone out of the vehicle and into the building where Ben was just ready to come out . " Hold these , " I said , handed him the babies , and the girls and I headed off to find a restroom . We totally missed the earthquake . School will soon be out for the summer . Since it has been my practice to read stories before the girls take an afternoon rest , we took a ride to the local library after lunch , actually two local libraries . ( Priscilla would be proud . ) We have been enjoying stories by Cynthia Rylant . She writes about Little Whistle , a guinea pig who lives in a cage at the back of a toy store . When the shades go down at night , he wakes up and climbs out of his cage for an adventure . There are three Little Whistle books and I was hoping to find the third at the library in Ontario . Mission successful . Though I know I can leave returned books at any participating library location , I decided to take the Williamson books back to the Williamson Library instead of leaving them in Ontario . The girls enjoy both libraries and were more than happy to visit two in one day . At Williamson a new book caught my eye . Something about the pictures . . . We were almost home again when Emma 's voice came from the back seat . " Where 's Panda ? " she inquired . Panda , it seems , had not been paying attention when we checked out our library books and headed for the door . The girls were too busy rushing for the handicap buttons at the exit to remember a small round bear . I turned the van around and headed back to town where I found Panda playing hide and go seek in the children 's area . He didn 't appear distressed in the least . Words elude me tonight . . . I am thankful today for a wedding anniversary to distract me from the ache that otherwise most certainly would have set in . I am thankful for my dear husband and the twenty - nine years we have spent together , there is no question about that , but a first Father 's Day without a father cannot help but be a little bit emotional . This year James and I are both without our fathers . When my dad was sick , I decided there was one thing that I wanted to tell him while he was still here . I didn 't want him to pass on without ever telling him I was sorry . . . I was just seventeen when my father took us to the town hall to sign for me to get married . I thought it surely must have been a terribly difficult thing for him to do , but complicating the matter was the fact that I was not the only one he was signing for . He was also signing papers giving the groom permission to marry . My parents were his legal guardians . . . As I brought up the subject , my dad glossed over whatever embarrassment he must have felt at the time . Instead he focused on the reaction of the town clerk . " You 're Martha 's father ? " she asked him . At this point , he said , she lowered her glasses and looked at him over the top . Dad laughed at the memory . " I think she was looking for the shotgun , " he smiled . It was all water under the bridge . My father had come to love , forgive , and see James as a son . James had come to love , admire , and view my dad as his own . I watched love , trust , and mutual admiration grow in their relationship . On this our 29th wedding anniversary , I am blessed to know that God had His hand on all of us , healing hurts , planting seeds of love and forgiveness , and giving me the peace that could come only from asking my father 's forgiveness . The school year is winding down and my days of tending flowers will be fewer . I am hoping to play catch up with my housework once again . Perhaps I shall sort though the mountains of papers that have collected on my counter tops . Maybe I will hold a yard sale and rid myself of surplus possessions . It is quite possible that I shall take a trip to the beach or meet a friend for coffee . Maybe I 'll even find a good book to read . I think I might even miss those potted plants and look forward to their return . The plan is to eat strawberry shortcake this evening . ( Nathan 's is having a birthday . ) In order that there are strawberries to be had , the strawberries had to be gotten . We " getted " them this morning . Thanks to a bit of help from Ben and Hannah , I have between eight and ten quarts sitting on my kitchen counter . I decided to try a new cookie recipe , Homemade Oreo Cookies . Things were going well , the dough looked good and smelled wonderful . It tasted good too , but I was missing parchment paper to bake them on . A quick run to the local grocery store . Now , I have never used parchment paper . It seemed a wonderful way to bake cookies . No greasing of the baking sheet and easy cleanup . The first sheet worked like a charm . Twenty perfect circles were on the table cooling when the timer went off for the second sheet . I opened the oven , grabbed the edge of the cookie sheet , and started to remove it from the oven . . . My husband heard my desperate cries . " No , no , no ! No , no ! " I cried . The oven was billowing smoke already ! The slippery paper had slid right off the sheet , turned upside down , and dumped my precious cookies into the bottom of the oven where they were quickly turning to charcoal . My Darling came to the rescue and helped me scoop the blackened remains from the floor of the " cookie furnace . " I learned a quick lesson about parchment paper and flat baking sheets . The remaining cookies turned out pretty good in spite of it all , and I may have to attempt another batch tomorrow as I have a little bit too much filling left over . ( No surprise there . ) What I 'd really like to try making are those Dutch Windmill cookies . If only I could find a good cookie mold . . . I enjoy our orchard walks very much . Last night we walked with Nate , but James and I typically walk alone . It is a chance to think and share together , to talk as we walk , build on our relationship , and sort thoughts . It 's also a chance for a small amount of much needed exercise . Many thoughts are once again tumbling about in my mind . Life is a myriad of experiences which shape us into the people we are . Like the trees in the orchard , we are trimmed and pruned until we bear the fruit God desires . I have learned that the pruning and clipping of apple trees is never really done , and neither is the hand of God ever done shaping and molding me . Though it sometimes hurts , I know it is always done in love , with my best interest in mind . It rained on and off all day today ; a little rain , a little sunshine , a little more rain . ( Another picture of life . . . ) We did not go out to play this afternoon as the ground never dried up and the dirt under the swing set was too muddy . Maybe we will get a chance to run around in the yard tomorrow . I took my camera along on an orchard walk with James and Nathan tonight . I missed the fox who was sitting at the end of a row of apple trees , he took off as soon as we turned the corner , but this little guy was going nowhere fast . He actually looked rather lethargic . We gave him a lift over by a small body of water and left him on the bank . I hope he perks up and finds himself a happy place to hunker down for the night . Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this : to visit orphans and widows in their trouble , [ and ] to keep oneself unspotted from the world . James 1 : 27It is Monday evening , our night at the nursing home . I often find myself tired by evening , almost wishing to stay home . The house would be quiet and empty for a couple of hours . How nice that would be . . . But , nicer still is to hold a worn hand , to kiss a wrinkled cheek , to hug a lonely soul . I said hello to Lois tonight and watched her face light up at the mention of her name . I try so hard to remember names ; Eleanor , Marie , Carol . . . Those are my new names to remember . Some evenings the living room is almost empty . Tonight it was full , two dozen residents and our little group of eight . We were blessed to have Mom come along tonight . John and Mary have been asking about her for quite some time . She got the nicest hug from John who is in his early nineties . I am humbled to know how very much my parents meant to the people they loved and ministered to for so very many years . How will we ever fill their shoes ? We went out to Priscilla and Jamie 's house this afternoon and stayed for dinner . Sherman watched in fascination while Priscilla prepared some very yummy Bruschetta ; little slices of bread with cheese and tomatoes which she toasted in the oven . I just may have to try this at home some day , just to impress myself . Last night Ben was gone to stay with a friend . Tonight Hannah is on an overnight babysitting job . ( It is Dave and Leta 's 6th wedding anniversary and they have gone out for the evening . ) Our nest is not quite empty and yet not at all full . Yesterday morning the air was full of a mother robin 's chirps . She sat on the edge of the barn roof and barked out directions . I 'm not sure who she was commanding , I did not see her babies , but she was busy shouting out all the same . I suppose it is quite possible those little ones were out on the barn roof if baby robins can hop up the branches of a lilac bush . Either way , when I looked into the nest , I found it empty . I did not hear any frantic squawking or find any lip - licking cats , so it is quite possible that mother robin was successful with her little brood . I can always hope so . In two weeks my house will seem strangely empty . My babysitting job . . . uh , I mean " garden tending " . . . will be over until fall . I will put the toys upon the shelf , return the children 's books to the library , and venture out into my yard a little more often . Em will pop in a time or two throughout the summer , just to keep me company , and before I know it September will be here again . Last year I knew the Lord was working on my heart and preparing me for big changes . He walked before me , and though I knew something big was headed my way , I also had peace in Him . I knew He was in control , I knew He loved me , and I knew I could trust Him to carry me through whatever was coming my way . He has been with me in an incredible way and taken me through changes that without Him might devastate me . In September my dad was diagnosed with cancer , four weeks later the Lord took him home . The journey was peaceful and , though the pain was terrible , there was a strange blessing in the process too . Throughout the fall months and into the beginning of winter we faced another challenge , one of words and rumors . It involved one of our children ( and another teen at church ) , and led us to eventually conclude we needed to find another place of worship . Unfortunately , the issue could not be easily resolved . This is also painful , especially because one 's church fellowship becomes very much like family . We spent several evenings there each week and the loss of fellowship left us reeling a bit . Again , God is good . He began to plant us in a new fellowship several months before we were uprooted from the other . Little did we know , but much He did . Now I find a new challenge before me , one I would much rather ignore in the hopes that it would just go away . It won 't . It involves my mom and how to take care of her in her latter years . It is obvious she can not live alone , and obvious that Dave and Leta can not take care of her indefinitely . We are seeking out alternatives , none of which are simple . I know God has a plan and His way is perfect , He already knows the solution and has put in place the means to get there . If I can just remember that , I can have peace in the midst of this storm also . PS . My garden is growing ! Slightly different angles , but the same garden box . Dave stopped by this morning and I asked if Grandma 's hearing aide had been found . " Yes , " he said , " I found it outside in the driveway . " For a moment I feared it had been run over by a car , but he said it was safe . Seems Grandma took the recycling box out yesterday afternoon . She set it by the trash cans so Dave could take it to the street today . Somehow that little device must have been attached to her clothing and fell off when she went outside . Lucas has been exonerated ! I am relieved . Grandma took a little nap at the dining room table today . She removed her hearing aide for comfort 's sake and when she woke up found it missing . She is fairly certain a small boy must have picked it up and walked off with it , but his mother is just as certain he did not . In any case , Grandma is missing one of her hearing aides . We stopped by Grandma 's house on the way to and from the nursing home service tonight . We looked on the floor and round about for the missing audio device , but it was not to be found . I wonder if perhaps it clung to Grandma 's sleeve when she got up from the table ? I hope it turns up because I 'd hate to see Lukie charged with theft . He so young . Photo courtesy of Nathan . ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself . ' Mark 12 : 31I talked to a friend the other day . She asked if I was okay and I laughed . " I 'm feeling selfish , " I admitted . Her answer surprised me on one hand and didn 't on another . " There 's nothing wrong with that ! " she said . I didn 't argue with her , after all we all feel selfish sometimes , it 's part of being human , but how I respond to that feeling says much about who I am . According to the Book , I am to put the needs of others ahead of myself , to think of them first . This is where some of my biggest tests come into play . Can I put my wants , needs , and desires aside in order to benefit another ? Not so easy , and especially not so easy to do with a smile on my face . Though I fail time and again , with God 's help I am able . All week long I have been quietly hoping for a return trip to the hospital to visit my uncle before he goes home . I almost missed my chance when they said he could go home today . Aunt Mary was on her way to get him when Mom got another phone call from my cousin . They decided to keep him in the hospital another night . Bad for him , good for me . I jumped at the opportunity . What a relief to see him smile and hear him tell his stories . We had to laugh when he asked Hannah what grade she is in . " Ninth , " she replied . " You 're a big girl ! " he said , " Either that or you flunked a lot ! " He has an interesting way with words . . . Aunt Mary said it wasn 't nice , but we know that is really how he says , " I love you . " Monday was Memorial Day . I had purchased a small American flag , which I hoped to place on my grandfather 's grave in a nearby cemetery . This is not an annual tradition , in fact I don 't know if there has ever been a flag placed there . Sadly , I did not find the time to go to the cemetery on Monday , but I did take a little bit of time this afternoon to drive out and look around for my grandpa 's grave and military marker . It took a little while , but I finally found the spot and placed the flag . It has been a busy week of tending " flowers " . Lucas and Simon came to play on Wednesday and brought back memories of changing stinky diapers , listening to the baby cry , and having the phone ring all at the same time . The girls , ever demanding , were really very good and I was grateful they are old enough to eat lunch on the back porch by themselves . Hannah had gone to clean a house with Leta and I was on my own . I found that the girls are just as suspicious of Lucas as they are of Josh . Bella was sitting in her car seat on the back porch when Lucas came along and plopped himself down on her lap . It really was cute , but she did not think so . I am beginning to think these two need to spend a bit more time with little ones . Our prayers have been answered and my uncle is out of the ICU . Rachel took Mom up to visit today and found him smiling and making jokes . It will still be some time before he is better , but we are all much relieved and grateful to have him back with us again . ( James and I had stopped at the ICU on Monday evening while he was still on the ventilator and sedated . He tried so hard to wake up . ) I am looking forward to seeing him again soon and giving him a big hug . I was given a blogger award over at Judi 's place . It 's pretty special to be thought of in such a way and I appreciate it ever so much . Now , as recipient of this award I must . . . . . . . and you must ! 1 . Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever ! 2 . Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog ! award : ( a ) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight , or for as long as you can focus . ( b ) Write about your most embarrassing moment . ( c ) Write a " soundtrack of your childhood " post . ( d ) Make your next blog a ' vlog ' / video blog where you 're basically talking to the camera about whatever . ( e ) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning , before you do anything else ( hair , make up , etc ) and post it . 3 . Pass the award onto at least three , but preferably more , awesome bloggers and let them know . I got all excited that I received the coolest award ever and really tried to catch myself in a photo first thing this morning . ( See 2e ) I chased myself around the house , but by the time I caught up with myself I had already showered and put on my mascara . . . I 'm not sure if this really counts or not . My Uncle Chuck is doing better . The news this morning was that he was awake , breathing on his own , watching Fox News , and asking for his wife . I felt a smile creep across my face and relief flood my mind . I think he has finally turned a corner , though I know he faces a very long recovery process . Thank you all for your prayers . Maybe by July he 'll be ready to play " The Slap Game " with me . It was a favorite when I was a kid even though he always beat me . I have not accomplished that which I had hoped . I did , however , get to sit on Rachel 's front porch with a special little person for a little while yesterday afternoon . He even opened his eyes to peek at me for a few minutes . I am a work in the hands of the Master Potter . I pray that His fingerprints are all over me as I walk through this life . This is my journey . Thank you , Jesus , for not giving up on me . Don 't stand in the sun if you 've got butter on your head . It 's easy to cut big chunks from someone else 's cheese . The strength of a tree lies in its roots - not its branches . Please Help |
Recent Comments Grandma on On the First Day of CookiesErica Mary Eleanor on The road so farG . B . Marian on The road so farErica Mary Eleanor on Hummingbird Cake for Valentino … G . B . Marian on Hummingbird Cake for Valentino … Categories baby quilt Before I had a million kids it was always so easy to whip out multiple batches of a dozen or so different cookie recipes during the holiday season . I have come to realize that the more children that are added to the family , the less time I have for anything that isn 't following after them cleaning up their paths of destruction . So , last year I decided that I would have each able child pick out a recipe that they would like to make with me and if I had time I would expand on that by myself . I 'm sad to say last year we didn 't even make all the cookies that each child requested . In my defense I had just had baby 6 and was still trying to get used to adding another human to the family minus a husband . I 'm hoping that the 5 oldest kids will all get to make what they chose this year . Since the 4 oldest are still in school today and tomorrow before winter break starts , I thought Persephone and I could make her cookie choice . I am hoping to get the majority of cookie making done during the next two days because Wednesday is not only the first day of winter break , but it is also the Winter Solstice and I plan to have a little celebration with the kids ! We are going to do grinch night again with a grinchy themed feast and a showing of the Jim Carey live action movie . We did it last year and they loved it . Well , Ophelia was indifferent but she 's also a high schooler . I also got the kids a little something warm and cozy they can open on the Solstice morning . Sally informed me he knows it 's clothes because he squished them ! 🙂 haha Then Santa will come by on xmas eve night and bring those fabulous children a gift . Later on xmas day the rest of the family will come by and we will have dinner and gifts with them . Persephone chose to the thumbprint cookies because she was excited about rolling the dough in to balls and smooshing her tiny thumb down 🙂 She is my go to gal when making and rolling meatballs as well . Persephone helped me chop up all the nuts too ! We 've been practicing chopping with real knives . She 's so good about keeping her little fingers out of the way ! I have actually noticed knife control improvement since the first time I let her help me chop a couple months ago . While the cookies were in the oven she took a break to wiggle on the floor . My little Krinkles ( Valentino ) with jam face ! I let him lick the spoon when Percy Pie was done with it . I got this recipe from my mom years ago , and now to pass it on to you . . Bake at 350 F for 10 - 12 minutes until firm to the touch and lightly browned . Immediately remove from cookie sheet , while warm fill centers with a little jam or preserves , allow jam to set before storing . Store covered or in the fridge for about a week . Yield 3 - 4 dozen Yesterday morning woke up to a chicken torn apart in our back yard . That kinda sucked 😦 goodbye sweet Chicka ! Had a quick little burial under the plum tree . So it 's December ! It 's actually 5 days in to December . I got my good old fake tree up before thanksgiving but I honestly have not had the time to get it decorated . ( I like to use fake trees because I think murdering trees sucks . Even if they were specifically grown for it I still don 't like it . ) I wanted to decorate our tree multiple times already but I can 't find those dang ornament hooks . The little kids have been begging me to go through the boxes of ornaments to find them but I am not looking forward to a sea of breakables across the floor while I search . Valentino isn 't the gentlest of baby 's . Actually , he is quite the turd ! Though , I do have other areas of holiday goodness . oh you beautiful , beautiful lamp you ! It 's a Major Award ! ! This baby is in the front parlor window . The tree got demoted to the back family room this year so my beautiful lamp could take center stage . Ginger kitty wanted to be in the photo too . Don 't mind the laundry piles and the baby clothes I 'm working on embroidering on the chairs there ! our naked tree . I 'm hoping to find those ornament hooks or I just may break down and go spend the $ 1 . 50 to buy a new bunch of them . I just hate to do it because I already have like 3 boxes of the things from previous years . More messy ! Need to get rid of those pumpkins still ! Haha ! Threw some candles and some lights in the front window and call it good . It actually looks a little different now though , I cut out a bunch of stars from white computer paper and taped them up on the top half of the window . I bought a wreath and some garland from Costco so I can enjoy a little bit of that fresh tree smell . put up a string of lights in the dining room window . . ahh the ambiance . The kids keep knocking it down somehow . Plus it got stretched out a bit as time went on . And although I am not a follower of the christian persuasion , I did put up my moms old chreche above the computer desk . I just think it 's pretty . . And peaceful . . And I love images of Mary with her baby . I 'm a sucker for babies 😉 I also like it because it was my moms . Some people may be aghast to learn of this , but I fondly recall childhood memories of my middle younger brother and I hanging baby Jesus every year from the rafter above with a noose I lovingly hand crafted from speaker wire . My mom would get so mad . I still hang the noose on my tree every year . I try to put it next to the ornament said brother gave me a few years ago of a stately Santa figure stuffing a small child into his red sack . That child must have been naughty ! Hung up some of our old advent calendars , just for decoration . That big Santa face one is from 2002 when Ophelia was just 1 1 / 2 and we had our very first apartment together . Our collection grows every year ! Especially now with 6 kids and sometimes each kid getting their own calendar . We don 't reuse the calendars though , I don 't want the cardboard getting weak and the little doors falling off . We never buy the chocolate ones , yuck . Eventually I want to get around to making a reusable advent calendar . . let me just add that to the list ! We just had to get a new fridge the other day , the old black one was on the fritz . So again , please don 't mind the mess ! But here are our cupboards dressed up for winter . I put lace on the inside of the glass cupboard doors so I didn 't have to look into our messy cup cupboards all the time ! Damn my realistic unmatching cups ! Damn them to fake hell ! Sweet little Persephone again ! old black fridge . It went with the other appliances better . Oh well , I 'd rather have unspoiled food ! close up of the kitchen wreaths . I bought them at Michaels when they were having 50 % off all fake goodness sale . It isn 't really called that . I liked the holly leaves and berries in these ones . Plus , sparkle ! I had to use my own ribbon though . These ones came with a tiny red hanger . Some cozy flannel baby blankets . They are about 42 ″ square . I love these blankets . I made them for all my kids and they get used for so many things ! Sweet Persephone modeling for me ❤️ This one is my favorite ! I kept one of these for Valentino . I am also planning on making all 4 of the little kids matching pajamas out of this flannel . It 's so cute and cozy ! Hopefully I can get to that before the solstice as I want to gift each of my kiddos new jammies ! I would make the 2 big kids the same pajamas but I need to find a pattern for their size too . I wish Oliver and S patterns made teen sizes ! So there we have it , for now . My list of things to accomplish or clean is never ending . And here is a mug I bought for myself so I can sip hot cocoa out of something cute for a change . Since we missed the correct date to see Santa last year I made an appointment to guarantee we would make it this year ! This last Saturday we made it down with time to spare . Valentino was not a happy boy ! But I was able to get some cute photos with the other kiddos . Ophelia and Settimio didn 't want to be in all of them but the professional photographer got a few . I get to pick up the photo cd next weekend , with all the photos the professionals took . So for right now I just have the photos on my phone . My oldest brother and his son met us there and my nephew Jacob got to be in some of the photos too . Afterward we went back home for lunch , then headed over to Nanas to decorate some shortbread cookies . I never seem to get photos of that ! Always too busy either helping or trying to keep a baby distracted . A little less smooth running than in years passed but all in all it was a nice day . These might be the last photos you see of Settimio with his luscious hair 😔 he wants me to shave his head over winter break ! ! It 's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping in my warm bed with my children . The past couple of weeks I 've had all 4 little ones in the bed with me . Besides my king size bed I have a set of bunk beds in my room . Fiammetta usually sleeps in her own bed on the top bunk but lately she has been coming up with different reasons why she should sleep with us . . Mostly it 's because she 's scared of one thing or another . I 'm ok with it . . I love having them all squished in there with me . I think it 's most uncomfortable for her and Sal . I keep me and the baby separated from the rest with a pillow between us . That way the kids won 't roll over and accidentaly squish him . I 've been having trouble sleeping this past month . I seem to fall asleep great , and some nights I can even stay asleep for the whole night . . ( as much as one can while breastfeeding a 4 month old ) But then other nights I wake up around 3 or 4 am and my mind is racing , jumping from one thought process to the next . Tonight seems to be one of those nights . I think it may be because I have been falling asleep with the kids around 7 or 8 pm so by 3 or 4 am I 've already had about 8 hours of sleep ! This past weekend the husband came down to visit with the kids . He rented a hotel with a pool so the little ones would get to swim . All three of them ended up staying over both nights with him . That was a bit weird and sad . I 'm not used to sleeping with out them . That was the only time besides when Valentino was born that Persephone has not slept with me . I missed her tiny little body next to mine . Every night she falls asleep holding my hand or putting her tiny chubby hands on my arms . She 's very snuggly . Last night I had her little hands on my arm and Salvatore fell asleep , next to Persephone , with his arm draped across her to hold my hand . When I do wake up in the middle of the night I love hearing all of their soft breathing . They all have been sleeping pretty calmly . It seems that if there is less of them in the bed that is when the wilder sleeping happens , when I will wake up with Percy upside down or laying sideways , to a little whimper , a sudden crazy scream , and less frequently there have been kicks or punches to the face from a dreaming little one 🙂 The latter three I can definitely live without ! So this Friday Alex came by to pick up the kids and take them out to dinner and they all decided they wanted to stay over night with him at the hotel . So I packed them all up a bag and kissed and hugged my babes goodbye . This is definitely not the way I wanted or imagined my family to be ! I knew it would be good for them , and for Alex , but it 's hard for me to let them go . Saturday I was taking Settimio out for his early birthday date . He wanted to go see Deadpool and I wasn 't sure it would still be out in the theatre at his real birthday a month later so we decided to go now when Alex would have the little kiddos . . Settimio and I went out to eat lunch at Anelia 's in La Conner , a Polish restaurant that two of my younger brothers work at ; one as the Chef and the other as a waiter and prep cook . We had the brunch , Timio had the Joe breakfast hoagie made from french toast with bacon and home made sausage , I had a super delicious veggie omlete . Ophelia stayed home and we took the baby with us , he had the breastmilk . After brunch before heading in to the movie we met up with Alex and the other kids at the mall . He agreed to watch the baby for the 2 hours so I could watch the movie with Settimio . At Salvatore 's birthday movie date in January we went to see the new star wars movie and I had to stand the whole time so the baby wouldn 't cry . I really did not want a repeat of that so I asked Alex to watch Valentino for me so I could sit this time ! The 4 little ones and dad hung out at the mall playground for a couple hours . The movie was pretty sweet . Settimio covered his eyes a couple times during the less kid friendly parts 🙂 There was one sex scene , one strip club scene with boobs , a lot of crude humor and some pretty gruesome killing bits , way more than in the other superhero movies but Settimio is almost 12 so it wasn 't too terrible . Definitely not a movie I would let the younger kids see . Overall we both enjoyed it ! After the movie I got Valentino , Salvatore and Settimio and we went home , Alex was takinI knew Sunday would be a long day ! My mom and I had plans to go to Ikea while Alex had the kids . I suppose that is one good thing about the little ones being gone for the day , I can get a bit more stuff done ! Driving to Ikea from where I live takes about an hour and a half to two hours . My mom drove down my brother 's empty van and I drove down my van with all seats but the the two front and the baby 's removed . Ophelia and Settimio stayed home but we took Little V with us . I was going down to get a couch , a rug , a bookcase and a bed frame . We walked around and checked stuff out . . It was crazy packed . I got all the crap I came for and we left . That is the brief version because in reality that journey took all day ! ! We got home just after dark and I had to unload all that heavy , heavy from the van . Had the older two help while my mom held the baby . It all ended up fitting in my brothers van so mine was empty . No reason to have taken out my seats , but I 'm glad I was prepared just in case ! Would have totally sucked if I didn 't take out the seats and ended up needing the room . After we got every thing unloaded from the van and carried down the stairs into my house I realized that we grabbed the wrong size bed frame . . wah wah . . So this Saturday I will be making another lovely trip to Ikea to exchange the queen size bed for the proper king that I need . I may buy a few candles that I passed up the first time . When we got home Alex had already dropped the littles off and headed back up to the B ' ham . They were all watching t . v . when we arrived . Good way to keep them preoccupied while unloading the loot . I got the rug layed out and the couch put together then headed to bed . . I was exhausted and my feet hurt from walking around all day on the concrete floor . The couch is in our upstairs living room . I bought two white slipcovers for it . That way when one is dirty , and I know it will be with my children , I can throw it in the wash and put the other one on . I suppose we didn 't need a couch up here but I was tired of sitting on the chairs we have . They weren 't too comfortable to sit in while trying to nurse The Newborn . That 's what all the little kids call Valentino , I hope that remains his nickname until he 's an old man ! ! We still call my little Joey brother Fetus , his nickname from babyhood . When my husband and I decided to get married we had been together for about 6 years . We had 3 kids together ( plus my 2 and his 1 ) , so we were a family of 7 sometimes 8 when his oldest daughter would come visit . We also had known each other since we were 14 years old . So this wasn 't a whim decision . We had our ups and downs but when we decided to get married I was in it to the end . I thought we would fight through everything together and come out stronger . All our issues we would work on together and in the end we would be a happy family working on our life goals together . I was wrong . He wasn 't happy and instead of trying to make things better he came up with every excuse as to why he should leave . To be honest , we all were not happy . There was so much negativity in our household it was like a dark cloud of repression hanging in the air . When he finally left it was sort of like that fog lifted and we all could breathe again . He was miserable and he made everyone else around him miserable as well . Due to the course of actions taken I have lost so much respect for him . It is hard for me to look at him sometimes or even talk to him . I know there is goodness in him , there were reasons I loved him and married him . But after all this I find it hard to see them sometimes . I am not going to bash him . He is a human and working through his own issues . Just as we all are and I am not perfect in any way . I just find it very hard to comprehend his actions and all the things he has done and said this past year and a half . It all boils down to he doesn 't want responsibility anymore . He doesn 't want to be a husband and father on a daily basis . He loves the kids and wants to see them but he doesn 't want to everyday . He didn 't like being a father . He was so angry all the time . Every little thing would upset him . Even driving to the store would put him in a bad mood most times . I would dread his days off of work . We all had to walk on eggshells so we wouldn 't upset him . And once he was upset that would be it for the day . There was no going back . It was hard to live like that . His yelling and constant nitpicking of the kids , especially my oldest 2 and of them especially Ophelia , got worse and worse . It was like she couldn 't walk through the same room as him with out some criticism being thrown her way . Sometimes he would straight up ignore her . She would ask him a question and he would just walk away . Most nights at dinner he would wait until she was done eating before coming to the table . It was sickening . Then it started more and more with my oldest son , and then with our 3 year old son too . He never acted that way with our 2 daughters , to be fair our youngest was only a toddler . He would get upset sometimes with them but he treated them more delicately . He started breaking dishes in his rage . Then some furniture and eventually punched a hole in the wall while screaming at Ophelia . That was around the time I got pregnant with our last child , baby 6 . That was the final time he moved out . I told him he wouldn 't be able to come back unless he got counseling and anger management . We also needed more marriage counseling and family counseling , him and I with the children . He decided that the easier way was better . At first I would have taken him back if we could have gone to counseling . But as time moved on and I was forced to take care of our family by myself my own anger and resentment toward him grew . His leaving I could have understood to some extent . He was overwhelmed with the large family that we had . But what made me angry and sickened me more was the things he would do or say when he would come around to see the kids . My Husband lives about 40 minutes north of us , near his work , living off a coworkers couch . That has been his living arrangement since he left our home , and needless to say it is not very accommodating for visiting with children . When he left us in January 2015 when he would want to come down and see the kids he would come to my house to see them . I tried to encourage him to take the kids elsewhere and visit with them there but he would complain that he didn 't have enough money to take them out all the time , to feed them and to pay for gas driving back and forth . So I let him come here . But I hated it . After a couple months when the weather got better I had him take the kids to the park or beach as often as I could . I didn 't like him coming to our house and hanging out all day . Or taking naps on our couch or trying to in my bed . Most times when he was here he would end up spending more time with me than our children . Occasionally he would help out by putting away our sons laundry or washing the dishes or sweeping . And I did have him help me prune and weed the garden once when I was 7 months pregnant . Though those things helped , I would have preferred if he visited them elsewhere . I did not want to hang out with him if he wasn 't willing to work on our relationship . I didn 't feel like I needed to be his friend . He left our home and family because he wanted to not be a part of it anymore . But he wouldn 't leave me alone . He would tell me he loved me and missed me and try to touch me or kiss me . It hurt for many different reasons . I asked him to leave me alone over and over . He didn 't want to come back or to work on any part of our relationship or that of the children . He did not get to still act like he was my husband . He was disrespecting me by doing so . Treating me like my feelings didn 't matter . It made me angry with him and angry with myself for not be stronger and pushing away harder . It made me sick with myself when I would let him touch me , rub my back or my feet . I was pregnant and I was sore and it was hard to say no over and over . But then when he 'd leave I would feel so disgusted with myself . He would try to kiss me and I 'd back away and sometimes he would corner me so I 'd have to push away and try to get by . He would tell me " I 'm still your husband . " Or if I 'd be giving the kids hugs and kisses he 'd say " where 's my kiss ? " After he 'd leave I 'd tell him over and over how bad it made me feel that he 'd do these things and he 'd apologize but do it again the next time he came . The whole situation was eating at me and I really could not take it any longer . It 's come to the point now where I am telling him to come down just once a month and get a hotel to visit with the kids at . I absolutely hate the idea of them being away from me and our home but I don 't want to see him or talk to him . Sometimes I wish he would just go away forever . We implemented my one whole weekend a month plan this month , February . Before that he had been coming down for a couple hours on most of his days off ( once or twice a week ) . So , I was barraged with all this every week for the past year , but I can 't do it any longer . It makes me sad , the whole situation . I grieved for a long time over the life we could have had . He was my husband and he did mean a lot to me , but I need to move on . I need to be healthy for myself and my children . I know that if I hold on to that anger and resentment it will grow a big pit in me and I can not let that happen . This past month I have only had to see my husband once , and I feel better than I have in a long time ! I feel a sense of freedom . Two weekends ago he came and took 3 of our children out for a couple hours , and this weekend he will be coming to visit with them again . This time he will be getting a hotel and keeping our eldest over night while bringing our younger children home at night . Then he will pick them back up in the morning for another visit . He won 't be taking the baby , our little one is still exclusively breastfed being only 3 months old . Besides not wanting to care for an infant with out food on his own for a few hours , my husband has a small car and 3 children hardly fit in it safely . I 'm hoping in March it will just be the one weekend . I am flexible , if he wants them 2 weekends that is ok too . I just can 't keep having him at my house , and I 'd like to keep the kids home some weekends so we can have some of the fun time too . Not just the worky weekdays when its all school routine and no movies and popcorn kind of life . I think I deserve to have some of the fun time with my family too . I will always care about him and have a certain love for him in my heart . But he is the one who wanted to leave and not work on the things that were wrong . There is only so long I can hold on to hope that we can work it out before it 's time to let it all go and just move on . . And it feels really , really good . I am actually a little excited to really heal and to start connecting with that inner spark of life , God , the Divine . . whatever one wants to call it . . at times I even feel a bit giddy ! 🙂 When I got pregnant with you my marriage was falling apart . Your dad had been out of the house for over a week . This wasn 't his first venture out but it was going to be his last . When you were conceived it was in a momentary lapse in your dad 's plans . He had said he wanted to come home and try to work things out but changed his mind after about three hours of being home . It was the day after the Super bowl and the Seahawks lost . I didn 't find out I was pregnant until a couple weeks later when I got that all too familiar sign of fatigue and sickness . . I was hoping that it was just the flu . . I was hoping my body was wrong . I did not want to be pregnant . I did not want another baby . My husband was leaving and I did not want to do this alone . I did not want to be a single mother to 5 children let alone think about bringing another one in to our family at that time . My youngest child was only 1 year and 4 months old . I did not want to make her be a big sister yet . I wanted her to be able to enjoy her babyhood a bit longer . To get all the cuddles and love she deserved . I was just starting to get bits of time to myself again as well . I did not want to give that up . But , mostly I didn 't want to be raising 6 kids on my own . I was miserable , mentally , emotionally , and physically . Thankfully my physical sickness with you ended along with the first trimester . In the beginning , before I could feel any movement , I kept hoping I 'd misscarry . I had had 5 normal pregnancies with healthy babies as the outcome so I didn 't think misscarriage was likely . I did not feel that abortion was the right choice . As much as I didn 't want another child I didn 't feel it was up to me to destroy this life that was growing inside me . But still I was unhappy . I was hurting . It made it worse that I didn 't want you . I felt guilty . As much as I didn 't want another child I felt worse about not wanting you when you were already there growing inside of me . I cried for you , I cried for my unwanted baby . I went through all the motions and I had to pretend to others that everything was normal or I was happy but inside I felt like I was dying . It killed me to not be happy for you . To wish you weren 't there . To not wonder about my perfect little miracle . To not plan with excitement for your arrival as my belly grew bigger . To not anticipate your perfect little baby toes and fingers . . To not be so impatient to know you and hold you in my arms . To not marvel at each and every tiny movement or flutter in my belly . Going to the midwife and hearing your heartbeat was not the happiest thing in the world for me . I think the first time I heard it I said , " yup , well I guess it 's in there . " As much as I didn 't want you , it hurt me worse to not want you . The guilt ate at me and continued to do so even after you were born . I would try to make myself be excited but I couldn 't . I tried making things for you , getting spaced cleared out in the house so I would have a place for all your little clothes . Logically , I knew that after you were born I 'd love you . . but it was the getting there that was the hard part . My life felt like it was falling apart and I was trying to care for 5 other kids and myself . I felt guilty that my negetive thoughts might be putting you in danger . That you weren 't growing in the healthiest of environments . That what if you made it through gestation and labor but then you die as an infant because I didn 't want you when I was pregnant . At 3 months old now , I know we are still not out of the woods with that but I pray and meditate on that often to keep you safe and healthy so you can grow into a man . ( A well adjusted man who won 't leave his family because he has decided he doesn 't want responsibility any more . ) I felt guilty because there are so many people in the world who so badly want a baby but can 't and there I was pregnant wishing I wasn 't . I also developed this irrational fear of giving birth to you . I was terrified . Maybe in part that was because I knew that once you were born you would be here and I 'd have to figure out a way to care for a brand new infant as well as 5 other kiddos by myself while trying to heal and rest and that seemed a herculean task ! The thought of going through the pain alone was almost unbearable . I worried on it incessantly . My fear of your birth was not unfounded . On November 1st after I went to bed I awoke to use the bathroom and I thought I peed myself . I know , gross . I kinda jumped out of bed because I was leaking . I ran to the bathroom and got cleaned up then went back to bed . I had to get up around 5 times because I kept thinking my bladder was failing ! I had a midwife appointment the next morning and they confirmed my water had broke and I was actually in early labor . The contractions were mild but I was about 4 cm dilated . I went back home and layed in bed while they got stronger . By the early afternoon they were pretty regular and I decided to go to the hospital because mentally I was really unprepared to have you . Contractions stopped on the way there . My mind and my fears would not let my body work properly . I ended up having to have pitocin to get them going again . I also had my very 1st epidural ! You are my first child I ever had drugs with . It was nice at taking away the pain in my belly , but I felt everything else ! I had to push you out for about 3 hours . Your head was turned the wrong way . At 12 : 16 am on November 3 , 2015 you were born and your little hand came out with your head . You cried and I was so relieved to have that over . When I saw your face I loved you . Instantly . You were so perfect and so beautiful . Big dark eyes , lots of dark hair , perfect little fingers and toes . You were 9 pounds 12 ounces , my largest baby ! I could not stop looking at your face . All my worries melted away when I got to hold you in my arms . I knew that I could make it work . I had to be a good mama for you and all my other children . Even now , 3 months after your birth and you are one of my favorite things to look at . You are one of the most beautiful humans I have seen . And boy , are you a lot of trouble ! You are the most particular baby I have had . You are so dang picky ! You are a perfect little Scorpio . If I have to put you down for whatever reason you just cry and cry and will not stop until you are picked up again . Even if I can 't pick you up for 20 minutes . . ( having 5 other kids means I still have to make dinner and do laundry ) You are not the kind of baby who cries themselves to sleep . Every night instead of nursing to sleep in our bed like all my other children did you want to be held and rocked or nursed in the rocking chair . And you hardly nap during the day . But I love you dearly . You have won me over , and stolen my heart . I would do anything in the world to make you happy and just to get to love you . I still can not get over that beautiful little face and perfect body . Your smiles fills me with so much joy . I am thankful for you and what I have gone through to have you in my life . I am so happy you chose to come to me . Although , it may have not been the best time in my mind , I 'm sure you came to me when you did for a reason . This past summer I received a letter from The Children 's Hospital in Seattle . The letter informed me that due to cleaning routines not being followed properly any child seen between 2011 and 2015 were at risk for contracting HIV and / or Hepatitis . They said the risk was low but they were informing all patients and their families and paying for blood tests . I was scared ! At the time my son , Salvatore , was 4 years old and had been seen at The Children 's Hospital on two separate occasions . The first time being when he was 1 year old . He had developed a crossed eye all of a sudden . It was weird and worrysome so I took him in to our doctor to have him checked out . He seemed healthy but she made some calls and we decided to have him seen at Children 's to rule out any brain damage . That was a scary time ! They ended up putting my little guy to sleep to do a cat scan and spinal tap . All the results came back that he was normal and healthy . They concluded that a nerve in his eye had been affected from a virus and stopped working properly . After a couple weeks his eye function went completely back to normal , as they predicted . That day was full of worry ! It was also extremely hectic running around from doctor to doctor and finding care for my other three children while I focused on my baby . Our second procedure came about when Salvatore was 3 years old . It was soon after his 3rd birthday that we had scheduled a routine surgery to bring his undescended testicle down in to his scrotum . The doctor assured us it would be a quick and easy procedure as his testicle was down , it had just missed the correct position so it was sort of floating just outside the scrotal sack . 🙂 poor guy , telling all his secrets ! The operation day came and I had care arranged for his 3 older siblings . Our baby came with us but dad came along to help out . I wanted to be able to be there just for Sal as he went asleep and woke up after his operation . Every thing went extremely well and Sal got to wake up to some presents . He was trying to get up out of the bed to walk around almost immediately . He was still a bit wobbly but after a bit I let him up and just helped him so he wouldn 't fall . I imagined he might be in pain but as soon as we were home he wanted to be up playing . I could hardly keep him down over the next couple of days . He was back to bouncing off the furniture and walls ! Sally is a very energetic boy ! When that letter came about possible HIV infection if felt like my heart stopped . I knew the risk was low but it made me sick to my stomach still to think there was any sort of possibility . Hepetitis we could live with . Yes , it would be terrible but at least it wasn 't a death sentence . I didn 't want to imagine my little guy only getting a life up to his teenage years and those years be filled with disease , medication and an abnormal childhood . It broke my heart . I always hoped and wished for him , and all my children , a long , happy , and healthy life ! Now this was possibly being taken away from him , from our family . I cried . A lot ! I was so worried . I immediately called my mom . She calmed me down a bit . I started to think rationally and got online to look in to where I could take him to get his blood drawn . At this time I was around 5 months or so pregnant with Valentino and Alex had been moved out of the house those 5 months as well . So I was going through this all alone . Just me and the kids and all my pregnant hormones . We got into the blood draw clinic within a few days and Sally was very brave when he got his blood drawn . He whimpered a bit but didn 't cry when they took the 2 or 3 vials of blood from his arm . He sat so still in the chair . I was very impressed . Before we went in I talked to him about what would happen so he would be prepared . I also talked to him and the rest of my children about why we had to do this . As my oldest daughter was 14 she was able to understand quite a bit more than the younger children . They all got the information , just worded differently for different ages . I wanted them to be aware of what was going on and to understand why I was so upset or emotional . We had to wait for over a week for the test results . To make the situation more intense I was the one who had to keep calling different doctors offices to see who got the information first . Was it our primary care physician , or the blood clinic , or Children 's Hospital . No one seemed to know ! Finally our primary care doctor called me back with the news . Sally was hepatitis free … . but unfortunately when we were drawing blood they didn 't get enough to test for HIV . No one thought about calling us to let us know as soon as they realized this . To make it worse my primary care doctor had even called the blood clinic a couple days after the blood was drawn to find out how long it would take to get the results and they told her they would have to send his blood work away for the HIV test as it was a special kind of HIV test and it would take additional time to process . So , I explained to Sal and all the other children what had happened . Salvatore started to cry . He didn 't want to go get blood drawn again . I hugged him and loved him and told him I knew and I was so sorry but we had to . It was too important and we needed to get the results back to make sure he was healthy . He understood but was still upset , and rightly so ! I made another appointment and we waited yet again ! They told me since it was their mistake I should be able to get the results sooner than 1 week . We did not . They actually took longer than the 1st time . During this second wait time I got a call from a doctor at Seattle Children 's hospital informing me that my sons hep test was negative but we didn 't have enough blood to run the HIV test . . better late than never I guess ! I told the doctor I already knew and we had already gone in for the second blood draw . He was surprised I was so on it . He was very nice and helpful with all my questions and very understanding of my worry and anger about the whole situation . The week passed with lots of emotion and we finally got the call from our primary care doctor that Salvatore was HIV free as well . It came back negative . So much relief and happiness ! I let my boy know and hugged him tight ! A few days later I got another call from the children 's hospital doctor . We talked a bit and he told me up to that point no one who had been tested had a positive result . That made me very thankful that no child had been impacted negatively because of the hospitals negligence . I couldn 't imagine having to go through our lives had the outcome been different . I am so thankful for the health of my children , my family and all those other little children and their families out there that had to go through this ordeal . I asked the doctor if I had vaccinated my son for hepatitis if this would have even been a concern for us . He told me no . If I had Sal vaccinated he would have had no chance of contracting hepatitis . Of course there is no vaccine ( that we know of ) for HIV so there still would have been a risk factor there . I have always vaccinated my children though I do it on a delayed time scale . I don 't want them getting a plethora of shots at one time as an infant so I spread them out . The hepatitis shots I have been waiting until my kids reach middle school years . As I also do with chicken pox . After this scare I have decided to get all my children caught up much quicker than previously planned . I have gone in to our doctor and started the kids on their heps series . I do not ever want to take that risk again . The Children 's hospital doctor told me that kids can catch hepatitis from being bitten by other children . This isn 't something that happens regularly at home but I know can happen quite often in daycare and preschool settings . So far my younger kiddos haven 't attended preschool or daycare but Salamander might be enrolling in preschool for a couple months before kindergarten starts next year . So his hepatitis vaccine is one less thing I have to worry about ! |
BiologyChemistryConstructionCultureEcologyEconomyElectronicsFinanceGeographyHistoryInformaticsLawMathematicsMechanicsMedicineOtherPedagogyPhilosophyPhysicsPolicyPsychologySociologySportTourism Jenny and the Boys SchoolUNNATURAL DEATHis rare to predict one 's own death , or to meet anyone who has done so . But occasionally it happens , and I knew such a lady . Ratski was Latvian , born in the 1880s , and virtually her whole life had been lived under the shadow of military conflict . She was a simple peasant woman , and she was immensely strong , both physically and morally . 1941 , the German armies marched into Latvia and brutally crushed the resistance . Her husband and four sons were forcibly drafted into the German army , and they all died except Slavek , her youngest child . Slavek survived because he was taken prisoner of war by the British . It was the luckiest day of his life . In England he was a free man , and he worked on a farm , which is where he met Karen . Slavek was a good - looking boy with wide blue eyes , blond curling hair , and an infectious joie de vivre that made everyone he met feel good . Karen was a Land Army girl , and the work was hard , the day long , and she was often exhausted at the end of it ; but not too exhausted for assignations with Slavek . the war , in 1947 , they married . He worked as a garage mechanic and she as a hairdresser , and between them they saved up enough money to put a deposit on a terrace cottage and take out a mortgage . They were proud and happy property owners , and they had two little daughters who were six and seven at the time this story begins . day Slavek received a letter from his sister Olga , in Latvia , saying that their mother had suddenly announced that she was going to die , and that she must see her only surviving son first . Accordingly , she had applied for a visa to leave the country . more was heard for fourteen weeks and Slavek supposed that the whole thing had been forgotten . He had not reckoned with the resolution of a determined old lady ! Alone , and with only a spare pair of boots an ' But you can 't be dying . You are not ill ! ' he protested . ' No , but I am old , and I can see the figure of death , the Reaper . I hear the swish of his scythe that cuts down the old grass so that new may grow . It is the way of life . I am content now , and I ask God for nothing more than to die peacefully under my son 's roof . days later Mrs Ratski developed acute intestinal obstruction . Suddenly , and unaccountably , a loop of bowel twisted on itself , a condition that , if untreated , is fatal . Slavek was the first up that morning , and found his mother in great pain on the sofa in the living room where she had been sleeping . She was leaning forwards , clutching her stomach , moaning and rocking herself . She looked up when he entered , and her face was grey with pain , her lips pressed back over her gums and her eyes dull . He went over to her and took her in his arms . ' Oh , my son , my jewel ! It has been a long night , but the morning brings my Slavek , praise be to God . ' felt himself panicking , and ran to the bottom of the stairs . ' Karen , ' he called . ' Come quickly . Something terrible 's happened . ' ' We must get the doctor , ' said Karen . doctor arrived and examined Mrs Ratski as best he could , but she was rigid and he could barely move her . He noted her pain and sweat and rapid pulse . Her temperature was very high . ' I will give her an injection of morphine , and then I will order an ambulance to take her to hospital , ' he said . was a first - year student nurse at the Royal Berkshire Hospital , Reading , when Mrs Ratski was admitted . The year was 1953 and I was eighteen years old . We had been told to prepare for a woman with an abdominal obstruction of unknown origin , possibly a perforation , and peritonitis . The ward sister told the staff nurse to take me with her and to instruct me in preparation for an emergency abdominal exploration . made ready a bed , a surgical trolley for the examination , an injection tray for drugs and infusions , a trolley for gastric intubation and suction , and a drip stand for glucose and saline infusion . Our patient arrived and the staff nurse took her temperature , which was high , and blood pressure , which was subnormal . Her pulse was thin and racing , and her skin was white and sweating . Her mouth and tongue were dry , her eyes glazed , and she was deeply asleep , breathing slowly - only about six to eight breaths per minute . Our patient was obviously in a state of shock . I was told to undress her . was hovering in the background , so the staff nurse took a medical history from him . He did not know his mother 's age , but thought she was between seventy - five and eighty years old . He informed us that she had been a peasant , uneducated , and had worked on the land since she was about seven . She had married , and borne ( he thought ) nine children . ' Had there been any miscarriages ? ' He did not know . ' Had she ever been ill ? ' He thought not - at least , he had never been told of any illnesses . ' Had she ever had an operation ? ' He didn 't think so . ' Was her husband with her ? ' No , he had died many years ago . was still taking off all her black clothes , revealing an emaciated body . Staf ' She told my sister , Olga , that she was going to die , and that she must see me first . ' Slavek could scarcely get the words out , his voice catching as he choked back the tears . ' I suppose so . She told me that she was happy to go now that she had seen me . ' nurse was kind and optimistic . ' Don 't worry . Your mother is in the right place . We can treat this sort of thing . She will soon be well again . ' ' Thank you so much . You are wonderful . ' house surgeon arrived . He was very young , about twenty - four , and this was his first house job . Like me , he was nervous and a bit hesitant . He checked Mrs Ratski 's heart and lungs , looked into her eyes , ears and throat , and checked all her involuntary reflexes . He took blood for crossmatching , set up a glucose / saline drip , and put the gastric suction machine in readiness , but he did not insert the gastric tube . He examined the abdomen , which was hard and distended , and applied his stethoscope to listen for abdominal sounds . ' Hmmm , ' he said , looking very wise , ' I will call the registrar . ' With that , he left . was told to give the old lady a blanket bath , and to put a surgical gown on her . She was so thin , I thought she might break if I moved her . She could scarcely have weighed more than seven stone . Her distended abdomen , hard and shiny , contrasted strangely with the rest of her . I wondered what kind of life she had had back in Latvia . registrar came , accompanied by the houseman . The registrar was only about thirty , perhaps less , but five years ' experience in medicine can make a great deal of difference . There was no careful hesitation in him . He was quick , confident , and arrogant . He tapped the abdomen and listened . ' Can 't hear a damned thing that means anything . We 'll have to open it up to see what 's going on . Go and book theatre . Laparotomy , with exploration . Possible gastrectomy , resection , won 't know till we get in there . I 'll go and talk to Carter . See if he wants to do it , or if I should . ' They left . Carter , the consultant , arrived with an anaesthetist . He examined Mrs Ratski and read the notes . The anaesthetist was concerned about the patient 's emaciation and her state of shock . He ordered a gastric tube to be passed and suction to be commenced immediately . He commented that she would not need a pre - med , because she had had morphine . He said , ' We must have a consent form , and she can 't sign it . Is there anyone here who can ? ' ' Get him to sign , will you , Staff ? ' two consultants left , and Staff took a consent form to Slavek . ' Your mother must go to theatre for an abdominal exploration . Would you sign the consent form for her , please . ' ' Of course , ' said Slavek , and signed . had been no discussion with Slavek about his mother 's condition ; no mention of what an exploratory laparotomy means , still less of what a gastrectomy or resection could entail , nor of the post - operative complications that can so easily arise in old people after major surgery . There had been no hint that perhaps the surgery could lead to a death more agonising , and certainly more prolonged , than the abdominal crisis that had occurred in the early hours of the morning . Neither the doctor nor the nurse discussed with Slavek his mother 's dying wishes , nor her certainty of her impending demise , her astonishing resolution to get to England to see him , and her acceptance of death once she had achieved this . No one asked him , quietly and sympathetically , if he could project what his mother might want . Whilst all the decisions were made about and around her , Mrs Ratski was in a deep , morphine - induced , sleep . But no one suggested waiting until she roused so that she could speak for herself . was when , at the age of eighteen , I started to contemplate death . LIFE SAVEDRatski was taken to theatre within an hour of the ambulance arriving at Slavek 's house , and Mr Carter took the case himself , with the registrar and houseman assisting . The abdomen was incised , and a volvulus was found to be causing the obstruction . Volvulus is the term applied to the twisting of a loop of bowel on itself . The pelvic colon is most commonly involved , and the patients are usually elderly . Manual untwisting of the bowel was performed after deflation of the loop with an aspirating needle , then the gut was examined , and no other abnormality was detected . Gastric suction was continued throughout the operation , and a saline and glucose drip continued . To relieve the pressure on the pelvic colon , a left inguinal colostomy was undertaken , which was intended to be temporary . A colostomy is when a loop of colon is brought out through the abdominal wound on to the skin surface , and retained in position with suture ' Yes , sir . She keeps trying to interfere with the dressings . ' ' Hmm . Well , we can discontinue gastric suction and start fluids by mouth . The blood drip can be removed after this bottle . That will help you , won 't it , Sister ? I can 't give any instructions about the endotracheal tube . That 's a matter for the anaesthetist . Everything else satisfactory , Sister ? Urine , faecal discharge ? ' , sir . Do you want to see the wound , sir ? ' . Get a nurse to remove the dressings . ' was at the back of the entourage , so I came forward and removed the dressing . Mr Carter looked at it . ' Hmm . Satisfactory . You can remove one of the drainage tubes , Sister . We 'll take the other one out when we remove the sutures - we 'll have to take her back to theatre when we close the colostomy . You can do that , Ryder , ' he said to the registrar . , sir . ' ' Yes , sir , very satisfactory . ' said the registrar . they moved on to the next bed . As they went , the tension in Mrs Ratski 's body visibly relaxed . the round had finished , Staff nurse told me to assist her in the removal of the naso - gastric tube . The blood had very nearly run out from the bottle , so she removed that also . With the removal of the suction machine and the drip stand Mrs Ratski looked more like a human being . anaesthetist came and said that he would remove the endotracheal tube under local anaesthetic . Staff nurse assisted him , and I was told to accompany her . The young house surgeon also came to watch , because he wanted to know how it was done . At the sight of another surgical trolley and several doctors and nurses , Mrs Ratski became visibly distressed . She could not make any sound , and her hands were still tied , but all her body language was that of panic . The anaesthetist took up a syringe of local anaesthetic , and , as she saw the needle approach her neck , Mrs Ratski 's skin lost all colour , and sweat poured from her brow . The anaesthetist retreated . He took her pulse rate . ' It 's gone up to one hundred and twenty . I can 't proceed like this . She will have to have a general . ' , for a second time , Mrs Ratski was prepared for theatre and given a pre - med and muscle relaxant . Removal of the tube and suturing of the trachea and outer muscle and skin only took a few minutes , and then the patient was back in her bed . the evening , when Slavek called , he was relieved to find his mother 's hands free , and all the machines gone . Her throat was bandaged , however , and she still could not speak ; this was due to throat ulceration , which is very painful , but ultimately not damaging . a few days she could speak , but we did not know what she was saying . We were able to sit her up in bed , and she could look around at the other patients . Fear and distrust were always in her eyes , and she reacted with dread whenever a doctor came near . We nurses tried to feed her , but she refused ; we could not persuade her even to drink . ' If this goes on , she will have to have another saline drip . She cannot go without fluids , ' Sister said . In the evening when Slavek visited she asked him to try to persuade his mother to drink . But even he could not . He told us that she thought we were trying to poison her , and he could not convince her otherwise . If he brought her drinks and food from outside , she would perhaps take it . So he did , and she drank and ate a little for a few days . the seventh day her sutures and drainage tube were removed , and her condition appeared to be stable . On his ward round , Mr Carter said that if all went well the colostomy could be closed on the tenth post - operative day . He was confident of a complete recovery . the early hours of the ninth day , the night nurse reported extreme restlessness , and signs of pain and distress . The night sister went to the ward and found Mrs Ratski doubled up in pain and moaning piteously . Her pulse was rapid and her temperature high . The abdomen was examined ; it had become rigid again . Whilst the night sister was present Mrs Ratski vomited copiously and effortlessly , without retching . Sister was alarmed and called the house surgeon . The time was 5 a . m . , and when he arrived only ten minutes later , symptoms of shock were very apparent , and her temperature and pulse had risen again . It all happened very quickly . The patient vomited once more , a green , bile - stained fluid , in a projectile fashion . registrar was called and a quick examination was all that he needed . ' This is another obstruction . Acute abdominal dilation with fluid and gas could be due to a paralytic ileus . We 'll have to get her to theatre at once . I 'll speak to Carter - and Sister , you alert theatre for an emergency abdominal . ' He turned and spoke to the houseman . ' Give her a good shot of morphine and get naso - gastric suction going straight away . We will probably need more blood , but have some serum ready until we can get into the blood bank . ' registrar was at his best in an emergency - quick , confident , decisive , and , above all , commanding . He performed the operation himself . Part of the intestine was found to be paralysed and dilated with gas , and the area of the original volvulus had adhered to coils of the large intestine and showed signs of gangrene . The sigmoid colon and the rectum were removed , and the rectal orifice closed . The colostomy , which was intended to be temporary , was now permanent . Slavek visited in the evening he found his mother in the same position as she had been nine days before . The only difference was that she did not have a tracheotomy and endotracheal tube . He was deeply distressed . What had happened ? He was simply told that his mother had had to go to theatre for further surgery . went right after that . The old lady was in a pitiable state . Two major operations and anaesthetics at her age took their toll . For two weeks she barely clung to life , but we kept her going . The gastric suction was continued for three or four days , and the drip for about a fortnight . Drugs were given by injection , because she would not swallow them . Her abdomen again filled with gas , and a trocar and cannula was thrust into the peritoneal cavity to release the gas . This was done under local anaesthetic and she was too weak to resist . Her mouth , tongue and throat were massively ulcerated long after the naso - gastric tube was removed . The self - retaining catheter had to be changed for cleansing , and she tried to resist , but was too weak to do so effectively . A urinary infection developed , so drug ' Look what they have done to me . They have cut me up and pulled my insides out ( she pointed to her colostomy ) . They have interfered with my private parts ; it is too terrible to say what they have done . You wouldn 't believe it if I told you . They cut my throat - you saw it . No , my son , this is a medical experiment , the work of the devil . They have no heart , no pity , no soul . They are machines doing the work of the devil . ' Ratski was tough , both physically and morally . She had lost almost all her menfolk in wars and insurrections . Political conflict had been her only experience of life , and she had kept going through it all to keep the nucleus of her family alive . During the Second World War she had been in one of the many prison camps , where she must have endured cold , starvation and cruelty . She had been surrounded by death , but somehow survived . hospital , she lived through two operations and began to recover ; but with increased strength she became more resistant to our efforts to nurse her . She fought us whenever we came near her , even for benign things like bed making . We tried to give her drugs by mouth , but she hit us and spat at us and knocked them to the floor , so the doctors ordered that drugs be given by injection . This required three nurses - two to hold her down , one to inject . She screamed and shouted what was probably abuse at us , then hit us as soon as she could . She tore off her abdominal dressing , and the colostomy bag ; she even managed to pull out the self - retaining catheter . We were at our wits end to know what to do , so paraldehyde was ordered . This was a colourless fluid with a distinctive and revolting smell , which emanated from the patient , and could be smelled for a wide area around . We nurses hated having to inject it , because such a large quantity had to be given with a wide bore needle , thrust deep into the muscle . It certainly sedated the patient , but seemed to have peculiar properties , and I wondered if it was hallucinogenic . When the effect of the drug wore off , after about six ' Because we have to be able to control her . ' ' I am worried , and it 's not just the paraldehyde that is worrying me . It 's everything . ' took a lot of courage to speak to Sister . The nursing hierarchy in those days was such that a junior student nurse couldn 't speak to a ward sister unless spoken to first , so I asked Staff if she would intercede for me . couple of days later , as I was going off duty , Sister called me back . ' Good . You may go off duty , Nurse . ' few days later , in the middle of a morning 's work , when all hands were needed to cope with the volume of duties we had to finish before lunchtime , Staff came up to me and said , ' You are to report to Matron 's office at once . I will take over your work here . ' those days , the matron of a hospital was a very powerful and influential figure , and most of them were quite outstanding women with remarkable minds , and great character and moral standing . A good matron knew everything that was going on in her hospital , and had her finger on every pulse . She had a prestige and authority that is quite unknown in nursing today . Many a consultant surgeon had been known to quake in his shoes if he received a message requiring him to report to Matron 's office - a junior student nurse might collapse on the spot . Miss W Aldwinkle , OBE was in the top rank . I was not afraid . In fact , I was relieved . I had been called to account for myself once before , in an altercation with a consultant who had pushed me , and I had gained the impression she was a wise and understanding woman . I felt I could talk to her in a way that I could not talk to the ward sister . approached her door and knocked . ' Please enter , ' a voice called . was a large and beautiful room , in a fine Victorian building that overlooked a spacious courtyard . ' It is hard to put into words . What concerns me is the amount of mental and physical suffering we have put her through . But I think it 's more than that , really . ' ' But what is so wrong with that , Matron ? My grandma died a few years ago , and no one thought it was wrong . She had a heart attack and just died . My grandad and my mother were with her . She didn 't have to go through the weeks of suffering Mrs Ratski has endured . ' looked steadily at me in a way that encouraged me to continue . ' What 's wrong with dying , anyway ? We 're all going to die . If we are born , we must die . The road always goes in one direction . There are no alternative routes . ' Matron said nothing . I was getting so worked up I had to stand and walk around . ' You don 't know what that poor old lady has been through , Matron . I do . I have been there day , after day and her suffering has been awful . Simply awful . ' ' But what sort of life is this ? We have turned a vigorous , healthy old lady into a pathetic invalid . She will never recover properly . And it may be that her mind has been damaged . She knew what she was doing before she came to us . Now she doesn 't . ' ' I can see you are upset , Nurse , and you raise questions I cannot answer . Nobody can . When I was your age , I was a young nurse in the war working in France . Death was all around us . Millions of young men died in that war . Millions . Yet I remember one who came to us with his face blown apart by an explosion . Where his nose , mouth and chin should have been there was just a great , bloody hole . Still , he was alive , and his eyes moved , and his mind obviously worked , though he could not speak because he had no mouth or tongue . The surgeons patched him up ; they grafted skin over the shrapnel wound , and he recovered . But he had been a handsome young man , and was now left with two eyes and a ghastly - looking hollow with a hole in it , and a tube in the hole , so that liquid foods could be passed into his stomach . ' was now my turn to gaze at her without speaking . ' I was about eighteen , and like you I thought : " Why have they done this ? Surely life with such a face , if you could call it a face , is worse than death . " ' did not know what to say . There was a knock at the door and the maid entered with a tray . ' I do not know . He seems content - he is a gardener , and gardeners are always happy people . And he has a dog . When I was your age I thought as you do . You have just said : " I would not want to live with a face like that . " But I very much doubt if that man would say that he would rather be dead . ' ' But he was young , and he had a whole future in front of him , even with such an affliction . Mrs Ratski is old , she has come to the end of her life . She said she was going to die ; she achieved what she wanted to do , and then said she was content to die . The obstruction in her intestines would have meant her suffering would have lasted only a few hours , and she would very likely have died in her son 's arms , like my granny died in my grandad 's arms . ' ' But who are we doing it for ? For the benefit of the patient , or the benefit of the medical profession ? We say that the welfare of the patient comes first , but I am not so sure . The practice of medical skills and techniques seems to come first . ' ' And human death is sacred . Or at least it should be - and would be , if we allowed it to be . In the short experience I have had , sitting with the dying , I can say that the last few hours are always peaceful , almost spiritual . Wouldn 't you call that a sacred time ? ' ' Yes , I agree , Nurse , and I have had thirty - five years of nursing experience . I don 't really know what is meant by the term " death agony " because I have never seen it . ' She paused and thought , then added , ' Perhaps , in a few people , I have seen what can be described as a struggle with death , and it can be distressing to behold . But for the vast majority of people death is gentle , tender . ' ' Well , it 's not like that for Mrs Ratski . The agony has been going on for five or six weeks , and it will continue . She has been deprived of a gentle death . ' said nothing , but I blundered on . ' She thinks she is in a concentration camp , you know , and that we are using her as a guinea pig . She can 't understand what we are doing , or why . She is terrified all the time , terrified of us . ' ' But she has lived in fear , Matron , for weeks . It is tragic , terrible . I can 't bear to see it . ' was getting tearful , and had to stand up and walk about again . ' And there 's another thing . All these injections she 's having . Dozens of them , daily . And now we 've started paraldehyde . It 's mind - bending , Matron . It replaces one madness with another , different sort of madness . ' walked the length of the room and back , then sat down . there is another thing that worries me , Matron . All this business about " she must have " . It is written in her notes . " If drugs are refused , to be injected . " And we , the nurses , have to inject them . It seems wrong . ' nurse must obey medical orders . ' ' She does refuse drugs , all the time , so we hold her down and inject them . Isn 't that assault ? And who commits the assault ? The doctor who orders it , or the nurse who does it ? ' ' I cannot answer these questions . Perhaps a lawyer could , but I doubt it . If life - saving drugs are to be given , they must be given , and any court of law would uphold the medical necessity to save life . ' ' Nurse , you are young and passionate . You are trying to understand a subject too deep for understanding . Death used to be as you have described it - your grandmother had a heart attack and just died in her husband 's arms . That is how it used to be for the vast majority , but not any more . Medical science has found hundreds of death - defying tactics , and , as this century unfolds , thousands more will be available to us . We do not know where it will end . Perhaps we will come to a point when human beings are unable to die . ' ' I advise you , Nurse , not to talk too freely with other people on this subject . You will not be understood . In fact you may be positively misunderstood . All sorts of sinister interpretations could be drawn from your remarks . It is a dangerous subject . ' TO DIEin the early in 1950s were small , enclosed worlds , especially for nurses . We lived communally in the nurses ' home , and all our meals were taken together . Consequently , we exchanged news of hospital life all the time , so whilst I did not directly look after Mrs Ratski after the first five or six weeks , I was able to keep up with her progress , and made a point of doing so . Ratski recovered sufficiently to go to the convalescent home attached to the hospital . It was a lovely house , with gardens sloping down to the Thames , which she seemed to enjoy . nursing staff tried to teach her how to manage her colostomy , but she did not understand , and seemed incapable of learning . She just muttered to herself , and poked it ( the gut has no nerve endings , so can be touched without causing pain ) . She seemed intrigued , but quite incapable of understanding how to cope with it . After three weeks in the convalescent home , it was decided that she could return home under the care of a district nurse . hospital car brought Mrs Ratski home . Her daughter - in - law , Karen , watched with dismay as the driver helped the old lady out of the car , up the garden path and into the sitting room . She went straight to the sofa , muttering to herself , and pulling her shawls round her shoulders . district nurse arrived , kindly and helpful . ' She can 't do that now - this sofa is not suitable . I can arrange to have a bed sent from the social services . It 's wonderful what this new National Health Service can provide , isn 't it ? I 'll go now , and come back this afternoon . ' hospital - style bed arrived and the men put it up ; the sofa was put in the garden shed . Karen watched the whole proceedings , and bit her lip . Her nice sitting room was ruined . district nurse returned in the afternoon . ' I 've got sheets and pillowcases , and cotton blankets that can easily be washed , and all free from the NHS . Isn 't it wonderful ? ' was not so enthusiastic . Washing blankets was not something she had anticipated . Ratski sat on the edge of the bed looking uneasy , and still muttering . ' I don 't know what you are saying , dearie , but let 's get these clothes off you , and into bed , shall we ? ' The nurse turned to Karen . ' I 've got to show you how to clean a colostomy . ' ' Oh , dear . Didn 't anyone tell you she 's got a colostomy ? Well , briefly , the rectum has had to be sealed , and the colon is opened on to the skin surface and the body 's waste product goes into a bag . I 've brought a supply of colostomy bags with me to leave with you . ' didn 't fully understand until she saw her mother - in - law 's abdomen . Two huge and angry - looking scars ran the length of the wrinkly old skin , and on the left hand side a pink , protruding thing burst on to the surface . It was covered with a plastic bag containing brown liquid and had sticky stuff around the edges . Mrs Ratski looked at her abdomen , and poked the bag , and tried to pull it off . ' No dear , don 't touch . ' The nurse pulled her hand away . ' She 's been doing this all the time in the hospital , they tell me . They can 't get her to understand that the bag has to be left in place . Have you seen one of these before ? ' , and I can 't bear it ! I just can 't bear it . I think I am going to be sick . ' ' You 'll get used to it , dear . The first sight is always the worst . The bag has to be changed when it gets full . It 's not so difficult when you get used to it . And anyway , I 'll be coming in morning and evening to help you . ' nurse pulled the bag off and wrapped it and its contents in gamgee paper tissue . The huge pink thing , raised from the surrounding skin , looked like a sea anemone attached to a rock , thought Karen , as she watched rigid with horror and disgust . ' It is important to clean the area carefully , otherwise the skin can get very sore , ' said the nurse helpfully . ' Watch me . ' she cleaned around the colostomy with sterile water and applied zinc cream . ' I 'll leave this with you , ' she said . ' I think you will have to , dear . Usually a patient learns to do it herself . But from what I have read in the patient 's notes , I doubt if your mother - in - law will ever be able to . ' ' I can 't say , dear . No one can . But she will have the colostomy for the rest of her life . Now , we must talk about other things . What is she going to do when she needs a wee ? She can 't get upstairs . What did she do before ? ' ' No , we haven 't . She went behind the blackcurrant bushes . ' nurse was shocked . Karen explained how she 'd wondered where the old lady did her business and had been totally horrified when she first spotted her crouching outside . She 'd tried talking to Slavek about it , but he 'd been unwilling to broach the subject with his mother . ' Well , she can 't do that sort of thing now . She will have to have a chamber pot . Have you got one ? ' Karen shook her head . ' Then I will get one from NHS Supplies . ' nurse packed up her bag . She was kindly , and saw Karen 's agonised expression . ' Don 't worry , my dear . The first few days are always the worst , and I 'll be popping in every day . You 'll soon get used to it . ' went upstairs to her bedroom , and threw herself on the bed , and cried as she had never cried before . days stretched into weeks , and Karen never did get used to it . She could not bring herself to touch the colostomy , so Slavek did . He did not find the task difficult or nauseating . He had cared for farm animals in his youth , had attended birthings , squeezed teats , cut abscesses , applied poultices , and a colostomy was much the same . Added to which , he wanted to spare Karen the burden . The district nurse was true to her word , and came in twice a day , often three times . kept the children away from their grandmother as much as possible . After school they went up to their bedroom to play , and she joined them . To reach the garden they had to pass through the living room and kitchen , so she discouraged this , taking them to the park instead . Slavek did not like it , and thought her determination to keep the children away from his mother was wrong , so he asked her why she did it . ' That 's only because you tell them not to be upset . You put the idea into their minds first . If you said nothing , they would take it in their stride . Children always do . ' changed tactics . ' To put around the bed , so I don 't have to see her using that chamber pot . And I don 't think the girls should have to see it , either . ' sighed . ' You 'll do more harm than good trying to protect them like this . ' in the evening he came home to find screens around the bed , and his mother completely hidden from the life going on around her . The girls , being children and endlessly curious , would peep behind the screens and stare at their grandmother , as though she were an animal in a cage . Then they would giggle and run away . could see that Karen was growing increasingly resentful , and discussed it with the nurse . He felt guilty , and was bewildered by his feelings of guilt . Even though he and the nurse attended to the colostomy Karen had a lot of extra work , with washing , changing the bed , emptying the chamber pot , cooking . He was a practical man , and saw life in practical terms . What he did not see was that Karen 's main resentment was that she did not have the house to herself . He had been brought up in a large , gregarious family . They had had only one large room for everything - living , sleeping , cooking , eating . Babies were born in that room . Illness was nursed there , and he remembered , from long ago , his grandfather - his mother 's father - dying in the room . And now , here was his own mother dying in his room , but completely cut off from his family . He felt guilty about it . Guilt seemed to come at him from all sides : Karen , his mother , the girls . He had let them all down . But how ? What had he done wrong ? The nurse listened but could only sympathise . what of Mrs Ratski in all this ? She was the most pitiable figure . Within the space of three months she , who had been a vigorous , determined old woman , had been reduced to an invalid . And her mind and character had subtly changed also , Slavek noticed . The strong , wise matriarch whom everyone in the family looked to for guidance had gone , and a whining , querulous old woman he did not recognise had slipped into her place . Ratski was turning in on herself m ' Why ? ' asked Slavek guardedly , although he already knew the answer . ' I can 't face Christmas here , with your mother in the room . can I put up a Christmas tree and hang paper chains ? We can 't have presents under the tree and a nice Christmas dinner in there ; I can 't invite people in . No , we 're going to Mum 's this year . I 've told the girls and they are looking forward to it . You can come , if you like . ' ' It 's not my responsibility . I 'm doing what I think is best for the girls . I want them to have a good Christmas . ' became angry . ' I remember when I was a boy , my grandfather died in our home . It was Christmas time , and all the family were there . We were children , and we just accepted it . We all played , and had a " good " Christmas . ' ' Don 't you keep reminding me of how you were brought up ! Peasants , that 's what you were , peasants . No wonder my mother doesn 't like you ! Well , I 'm not a peasant , thank you very much . I was properly brought up , and I 'm going to see to it that my girls are , too . ' ' I don 't know what your " proper upbringing " means , if it means denying the girls their grandmother . And she is their grandmother . And they are not just your girls . They are my girls too . ' ' She 's not like a grandmother . She doesn 't do things with them . She can 't take them out or play with them like grannies do . She just sits there , muttering and mumbling , and poking that " thing " . I can 't stand it any longer , all the washing and trying to get it dry , in this weather . And the smell ! I can 't stand it any more . However much I wash , it 's still there . The nurse says if she didn 't keep poking at that " thing " it wouldn 't leak and the bed wouldn 't get dirty , but she won 't stop . She keeps poking and picking , and I can 't stand it , I tell you , I can 't stand it ! ' had worked herself up into a hysterical frenzy and was sobbing . Slavek put his arm around her and she became calmer . ' Why doesn 't she die , Slav ? Why can 't she just die ? That 's what she wanted . That 's what she came here for . ' ' I know . I 've thought about it a lot . She nearly died that morning in August . But we called the doctors , and now she 's alive , and can 't seem to die . ' ' Well , there wasn 't really any time to think . There was a sort of pressure to sign . No one said anything , but it was expected of me , so I did . ' brooded gloomily for a while , and neither of them spoke . Karen could see his unhappiness and felt sorry for her outburst . She squeezed his hand , and saw his manliness crumble into tears that he tried to hide . ' If I had known what was going to happen , ' he continued , ' I would never have let them do it to her . But I didn 't know . How could I ? ' ' But I do . I feel guilty all the time . Guilty because I 've made life hell for her , and guilty because I 've made life hell for you . ' ' That 's what I 'm beginning to think . I didn 't want it , but I can 't see any alternative . ' and Karen discussed it with the district nurse who made enquiries . Two local council - run old peoples ' homes were full and agreed to put Mrs Ratski on a waiting list , but warned that it might be a year or two before a place became available . They could enquire about private nursing homes in the area , but were told that Mrs Ratski would upset the other residents . came . As soon as the school holidays started , Karen took the girls to her mother 's . Slavek was left alone with his mother . He attended to her physical needs , and the district nurse called as before . Then Karen decided to stay with her mother - Slavek was devastated . He was lonely and missed his little girls most dreadfully . On Christmas Eve he got drunk and slept for two days , with a couple of bottles of vodka by his bed . was awakened by repeated banging on the front door . He staggered downstairs , unkempt , unshaven , and wrapped in a blanket . It was the district nurse . ' What 's been happening ? I tried to get in this morning . I saw your bike was here , but you didn 't answer , and I knocked and knocked . ' ' It 's bitterly cold in here . Hasn 't the poor old lady even got a fire ? And it smells dreadful . Who has been looking after her ? Where is your wife ? ' ' Not coming back ? Oh dear , that won 't do . I will have to report that to my supervisor . The old lady can 't be left alone all day while you are at work . But I 'm sure arrangements can be made to care for her - Meals on Wheels , a home help - yes , there is a lot of support we can give you . ' ' That 's not so easy , as you well know . The Council Home is full , and your mother is on the waiting list . Have you tried private nursing homes ? ' ' Well , all I can do is organise as much home support as possible for her . Now , I must clean her colostomy . She 's in a dreadful mess , faecal discharge everywhere . When did you last attend to it ? ' ' Well , it 's not good enough . We can 't allow her to live on porridge . Meals on Wheels will be arranged as an emergency , from tomorrow . And I advise you to light a fire , young man . It 's freezing in here . ' her disapproval , the district nurse left . did not light a fire . He went to the pub and got blind drunk . passed , day after desolate day , and Slavek was utterly alone . Hatred and resentment built up inside him and he could hardly bring himself to go near his mother - stupid , useless old thing . Why hadn 't she died when she said she would , why was he stuck with her now , a miserable old bag of bones with no mind ? Why couldn 't she just die ? Every day , when he got home from work , he was hoping against hope to find her dead - but she wasn 't . She was always there , in Karen 's nice sitting room , where the children should be playing by the fire , and having crumpets toasted on the red coals , and stories read to them before bedtime . Every evening he spent in the pub , drinking until closing time . in Slavek 's position - having lost wife and children , heartbroken , lonely , angry , frustrated , drinking more and more - can quickly spiral into a crisis from which they cannot escape . Self - neglect , repeatedly arriving late for work with a hangover , unreliability , led to warnings from the management , which were only half - heartedly observed , then ignored . Slavek was dismissed . He was too ashamed to tell Karen that he had been given the sack , so he drew his dole money , sent half to her , and spent the rest in the pub . He had never been a good manager ; Karen had always handled the family finances . Perhaps he thought that he was doing enough by sending her money each week ; perhaps his brain , fuddled by drink , refused to accept the inevitable consequences of the fact that no money was going into his bank account . March he received a letter from the bank manager , saying that there was insufficient money in his account to pay his monthly obligation to the building society . Slavek ignored it . April brought a similar letter . ' You fool ! ' shouted Karen . ' Why didn 't you let me know ? Why did you ignore them ? Now look what 's happened . We are going to lose our home . Don 't you understand ? They are going to take our home away and sell it . We will be homeless . ' last Slavek understood . But it was too late . There was nothing either of them could do . Karen returned to her mother , and stayed there . Slavek moved into a men 's hostel , and drink took over his life . soon as the nurse informed the council of the eviction order , they assumed responsibility for Mrs Ratski . She was taken to a short - stay home for the elderly , but was terrified by the new surroundings , and became so disruptive that she had to be moved . This was a pattern that repeated itself several times . With each new move she thought she was going to be poisoned and wouldn 't eat or drink . With puny strength she fought the staff and other residents and had to be forcibly restrained . Ratski ended up in a psycho - geriatric ward where she could be kept under nursing care and more or less continuous sedation . All her fear , suspicion and aggression faded away and she became quiet and docile . She no longer resisted the nurses , and meekly swallowed the tranquillisers , and everything else that was given to her . Every so often she developed a chest infection or a kidney infection and obediently she swallowed the antibiotics . She lived like this for three years , not able to understand where she was , or how she had got there ; maybe not even who she was . She could not speak to anyone , nor comprehend a word that was said to her . She had no visitors . The hospital chaplain arranged for a Latvian priest to come , but she stared at him strangely and did not speak . Her loneliness and isolation were more total and more terrible than if she had been transported to a distant planet inhabited by aliens . end came in 1957 when she fell out of bed and broke her pelvis . It was virtually impossible for the pelvic bone to mend because it could not be immobilised . An operation was performed to try to pin ' That is not mine to do , ' countered ; - Philip WorthYEARS AND TENgrandfather 's death has an idealistic quality about it . His span of life had run out , he was cared for by his family , and he died peacefully in his own home . We would all wish to die like that . But , half a century later , we have to face the stark fact that for most of us it is unlikely . so long ago old agDate : 2015 - 01 - 02 ; view : 181 |
Category Archives : Travel Cape Town 2017 : Day 3 Every morning when we woke up , the first thing we 'd do was look outside the big glass windows ( the ones that stretched from one end of the apartment to the other ) in search of the sun . Would we finally be able to go up Table Mountain ? No . Sunday was not the day . We were a little lazy that morning and decided to make it a lazy day . Premsheela wanted to go back to Boulders Beach in Simon 's Town to see the penguins but I really wasn 't keen on driving all the way back there , since we had just passed through Simon 's Town the previous day . We still had to go to the winelands , and Sophia and my high school friend Priscilla wanted to get together that day . Sophia was in constant contact with me that day because we really wanted to spend some time together , given that me visiting her in Cape Town was so long overdue , and the previous night didn 't work out . Just thinking about what I 'm going to say about it in the next few paragraphs is making me smile . But I 'll get to that in a bit . Although it was a dull day , the sun peeped out now and then and it wasn 't actually cold . We embraced the fact that there was no wind either by wearing light clothes . The drive to Constantia was fun - Premsheela had opened a massive slab of Kit - Kat , which my trusty co - driver Surbhi handed to me . That , and chips . I found it very odd having chocolate and chips at 10 in the morning , but I figured stuff it , I 'm on holiday . And with Premsheela there , I expected nothing less . The GPS took us into the middle of Constantia , which wasn 't exactly where I had in mind , but I knew we weren 't far off from where I wanted to be - Groot Constantia . Constantia is probably the most beautiful suburb in Cape Town as the majority of the homes are Dutch style . The streets are lined with trees and are immaculate . It actually reminded me of Bavaria a little , particularly Schwangau , the area around Neuschwanstein Castle . When we got to Groot Constantia , the guard at the entrance asked where we were going . I said something stupid like " We 're just going to walk around a little " , and he gave me a brochure saying we could go have lunch at the restaurant . I said it was a good idea and that we 'd probably do that , knowing full well we weren 't actually going to do that . I was hungry though . There was ample parking so I had no trouble finding a spot . We walked around a little enjoying the peace and quiet of the vineyards . The grape trees carried on for as far as the eye could see , and the roads were lined with white and red rose bushes . After dodging the occasional car for our " road trip " photos , we found what appeared to be a park with rolling grass steps . Only , the steps were large and quite steep . We could have walked around them , but we were with Premsheela , so of course we had to climb . Surbhi and I found spots that weren 't as steep so we could walk up on our two feet rather than on all fours like Premsheela . Surbhi was just as amusing too , as she was taking so many baby steps so that she could stay upright . I couldn 't help but giggle . The entire time , I was having an argument in my head as to whether or not to go to Boulders Beach , because on one hand I didn 't want to drive all the way back there , but on the other hand , I didn 't want Premsheela to leave South Africa not having seen the penguins in the one place you can see them here . I try to live my life without regrets , so I didn 't want to be the one stopping Premsheela from seeing something she might never see again . It just wouldn 't have been fair . * The reason I mentioned us using Premsheela 's phone for taking selfies on the wet grass is because while we were on our way to the Waterfront , her phone decided to crash . It required a factory reset , so we basically lost all the photos she had taken and sitting on that wet grass for so long was for nothing . The photos I posted above are ones that she had sent out to other friends , thankfully , so we got those back . It was already closing on 12pm and time was of the essence , so after taking a quick walk to the wine cellar and having a look around ( I know , a total fail considering where we were ) , we left for Boulders Beach , much to Premsheela 's delight . Constantia is pretty much half way between the city and Boulders Beach , so the fact that I had already driven half the distance and only had 30 minutes more to go made my decision easier . Premsheela offered to sing for me to show her appreciation , but when I refused ( knowing how ridiculous it would be ) , she offered her most prized possession instead : chocolate . I couldn 't help but laugh , and started on the drive to Boulders Beach . We had to go up the winding road over the mountain again , and this time the views were much better because the sky was relatively clear . We reached Boulders Beach just before 1pm ; a good time . We paid special attention to the signage in Simon 's Town this time and it was evident that there weren 't clear enough signs for us to have noticed it the previous day . I felt slightly better . There was a wooden walkway on either side of the small ticket kiosk - we assumed the left side was for people exiting the premises and the right was the entrance , but it turned out that there was no set direction . It was R40 each if I remember correctly , which I thought was quite reasonable . It as only a matter of minutes before we spotted the first penguin . We were surprised to see them that far away from the water , waddling underneath such thorny bushes . I don 't know if penguins are usually that chilled or whether they 're just used to seeing people around , but it was as if some of them were posing for photos . After a while we came to what appeared to be an " official entrance " to the actual beach , and there was a long queue . We were confused because we had already paid for our tickets and weren 't sure whether this was something else or not . I stood a little out of the line trying to see who was being let through the entrance separate to the one people were queuing in front of , but I was too far to make out clearly . I purposely stood with my right hand visible - the one which was holding our tickets - and it worked in alerting one of the staff who gestured for us to proceed passed the queue . Thankfully we were only in the queue for a few minutes . One we got through the gate , we were met with an open area where we could see the whole beach . There were dozens of penguins walking around , and what I enjoyed just as much as the view was the weather : there was barely even a breeze despite the fact that we were right on the beach , and it wasn 't cold either . I know I keep mentioning the weather when it came to this trip , but winter is a funny time of year in Cape Town and it 's practically a miracle for it to be dry and not cold , so we took what we could get . When we walked back to the parking lot , we came across a souvenir shop as well as a coffee shop / restaurant which was above it . We thought we could get something to eat take away , but Surbhi and I decided to settle for a cup of coffee while Premsheela browsed around the shop . We went upstairs , ordered 2 cappuccinos , and waited patiently while Surbhi took photos of the random ocean - themed decorations around the restaurant . What was nice about being with Surbhi and Premsheela was that they really were tourists , and I remembered how I am when I 'm in a foreign country where I find interesting what a local would normally overlook . We got our coffee and went back downstairs to meet Premsheela , and she was still choosing what she wanted . I didn 't blame her because there were dozens of miniature penguins to choose from and all were so cute . I was actually quite tired and a little cold , so I waited on the benches outside . I think the girls thought I was still mad about coming to Boulders Beach , but I was actually just a little preoccupied . We were there for another 15 - 2o minutes while they choose what they wanted . I didn 't want to rush them at all - they are never going to go there again . I was keeping Sophia up to date regarding our whereabouts , so informed her as soon as we were leaving . She was at the Waterfront with her mom so there was no rush to get to her since they had no plans for the rest of the day , and she asked me to call when I was close to the city so she could tell us exactly where she was . I did exactly that and found that she was in the Zara at the mall at the Waterfront . We parked where we had done so on the Friday , and walked over to the mall . It looked exactly how I remembered it from 9 years ago , and I felt a little nostalgic . I walked through Zara while Surbhi and Premsheela went to answer nature 's call . I couldn 't find Sophia or her mom anywhere and figured they were in the change rooms , so I went back outside to wait for the girls . Upon their return , I called Sophia and she said that they were indeed in the change rooms and were now paying . We walked back into the shop and there she stood , in the queue with her mom . I can 't quite describe just how happy I feel when I see or even speak to Sophia . She is definitely my most beloved friend . The warmth with which both Sophia and her mom greeted not only me , but Surbhi and Premsheela with , is something I don 't think any of us will forget . After Sophia was done paying , we headed to Gucci ( if I remember correctly ) to get a jacket for Sophia 's cousin from Australia . They didn 't have it , and after Sophia 's mom complained about the price of the tiny underwear ( it was like R700 for a pair ) , we left . I had already told Sophia at least 2 hours prior to meeting about how little Premsheela eats and that we were starving , so as the 2 of us walked ahead of the girls and Sophia 's mom , she gave me some options on where to go so that we could all eat something . I didn 't need to worry about Surbhi at all , but Premsheela was another story . I couldn 't let her go a full day without eating at least one decent meal . I found myself occasionally turning back to check on whether or not the girls were comfortable enough walking alone with Sophia 's mom , and it was evident that they were . Surbhi smiled back at me as a reassurance , and Sophia told me not to worry because her mom loves people from India . It was as if I had introduced the girls to my own family - I loved it . As we walked to a familiar part of the Waterfront and headed towards the food market , we finally got our first clear view of Table Mountain . Surbhi remembered the big yellow frame we had seen from afar on Friday and asked if we could take a photo there . Sophia assured us that we 'd be passing it , so we stopped there when we did . I think what I enjoyed the most was the fact that we were in no hurry at all at this point - it was just a chilled afternoon with people I adore . Photos done , we headed for the food market where Sophia proceeded to give us a full tour of every stall in the entire place . We were mostly focused on where the girls could eat , and Sophia pointed out her favourite places for both veg and non - veg while her mom guarded a table for us patiently downstairs . The market has a balcony - like area upstairs with a handful of stalls - there was an Indian stall there that served dosas , so it was perfect for the girls . I asked Sophia which stall was her favourite , and she pointed it out to me so I got exactly what she recommended - a pulled lamb flatbread . It really was amazing so I 'm glad I went for it . I went to fetch the girls from upstairs but their dosas weren 't ready . I told them where we were sitting which was literally at the bottom of the stairs , and they agreed to meet us back there . I feel very happy when I see people eating , so when they came down with their food , I couldn 't help but smile at them , especially Premsheela who pretty much doesn 't eat . Sophia and her mom were the most pleasant of hosts too , and I still felt like I was sitting with family . After all , Sophia and I have been best friends for 20 years , so listening to her mom talking to friends who , in comparison , I had only just met , made me feel very proud . After we had what was left of Sophia 's Nutella and banana waffle which she insisted we taste , it was time to say bye . Sophia 's mom 's flight was at 6 : 30pm the following day , and ours was at 6pm , so we were pretty sure we would see each other one last time at the airport . I really hoped we would , cos that would be awesome . As we said our goodbyes , my high school friend Priscilla informed me that she was on her way to meet us . Considering I had last seen her 15 years ago , I was pretty excited . Since Premsheela and I had left our jackets in the car , we decided to use the 20 or so free minutes that we had to go back to the car to fetch them before Priscilla arrived . However , since it was dusk , everything was just so damn beautiful , and the tablecloth ( i . e . the clouds ) was coming over the Table Mountain , so we couldn 't help but stop to take more photos . By the time we were done wandering around the area , Priscilla had arrived and since we were near the ferris wheel , I suggested that as the meeting spot . When I spotted her , she screamed with delight and we obviously hugged each other . But not just once … I actually don 't know how many times . It was a super happy moment seeing her after that long and I think we were both in slight disbelief that that much time had passed . It was insane . Priscilla walked with us to the car so we could get our jackets , all the time trying to catch up on what the other has been doing for the last decade and a half . There was so much to say that we had to try to summarize everything , but at the same time it was as though no time had passed . I was glad that I had told her I was coming to Cape Town and will be forever grateful for the fact that she made a plan to meet us at such short notice . I think real friends are the ones who make time in their diary for you ; even though she had a full weekend planned , she still managed to squeeze in some time to spend with us . We had all eaten so we decided just to have coffee somewhere . Priscilla suggested Quay 4 , a restaurant adjacent to the water . We choose a table right next to the railing so we got an amazing view of the Waterfront . The amusing part of the evening , apart from Premsheela 's insanity , was the seagulls . There were several times where we thought they were going to fly straight into us , but somehow we managed to dodge them . We spent a little over an hour at Quay 4 not only catching up but also talking about our current lives , both personally and professionally . It was funny how much we could relate to each other , and I 'm not just talking about Priscilla and I . What was good was that the girls got along with her too - the defining moment was without a doubt when she described how the wind hits you in Cape Town . I wish I had caught that on video but Priscilla , you really made our day with that face . Poor Priscilla had to go to work the next day , so we had to leave fairly early . After we finally got the waiter 's attention ( we thought he had gone all the way to the paper mill to manufacture the paper with which to print the bill on ) , we paid and left . Priscilla had taken an Uber to meet us since she doesn 't have a car ( she doesn 't need one thanks to Cape Town 's fabulous public transport system called My City , which works like London 's Oyster card ) , so she walked us to the entrance of the parking lot where we said our goodbyes . I 'm so glad we met up , Priscilla . You were one of the few genuine people I knew from high school that I wouldn 't hesitate to hang out with again . You 've not changed a single bit , and I hope you never do ! The girls and I headed back to the apartment , pretty tired , but feeling good . That night , after watching some random music videos and some episodes of Full House , we decided to watch Queen , a Bollywood film about a girl whose fiance dumped her right before the wedding which prompted her to go on her honeymoon to Europe alone . I love that movie because she kind of reminded me of my first solo trip which was also to Europe , and I could relate to her character because of that . After watching Queen , we headed to bed . But we didn 't sleep because Surbhi and I had so much to talk about . It was also still too early for Premsheela who proceeded to watch more Full House on what sounded like full volume . Surbhi and I were eventually at the point of wanting to actually sleep , but we couldn 't because of the TV volume . Surbhi then decided to do something about it . Cape Town 2017 : Day 2 It was obvious from the noise of the TV that Premsheela was awake around 5 that Saturday morning , but until Surbhi woke up and went to the lounge to find out what Premsheela was doing , I didn 't realize she was awake too . Premsheela was already watching more Full House , and complained that we sleep too much . Surbhi argued that we 're normal people that need 8 hours of sleep , then came back to snooze . It was definitely going to be an entertaining few days . There are so many gorgeous beaches and viewpoints on the way from the city to the Cape of Good Hope that we couldn 't help but stop somewhere - just before Simon 's Town . We just wanted to take a few pictures , but Premsheela went all the way down to the water and decided to take off her shoes . Surbhi and I eventually gave in and decided to join her . We ended up spending at least an hour playing around in the ice cold water of the Atlantic . The water was so cold that my feet felt as though I was being stabbed with hot daggers . We got to the Cape of Good Hope around midday and hiked all the way up to the lighthouse rather than taking the funicular . Premsheela marched ahead of us - I think her energy comes from all that chocolate she eats . She really is a chocolate queen . We wanted to take a group selfie with the lighthouse in the background , but as you can see , she was already too far ahead to even hear us properly . If you 've ever been to Cape Point , you 'd know that it is insanely windy . I think I spent as much time trying to control my hair as I did doing that climb . Of course , even when we only had one shot at a photo of all 3 of us with Cape Point in the background , my hair couldn 't give a damn . After admiring the views from the lighthouse , Surbhi wanted to take the Lighthouse Keeper 's Trail which is a path that takes you along a sheer cliff - face below the old , more well - known lighthouse , to the new one which Surbhi 's head is blocking in the above photo . I wasn 't too sure about doing it because of the time and also because the sign said it was a 1 . 5 hour hike there and back . After a little thought I decided to do it because I figured we 'd never come there again , at least not together , and I hadn 't done it before either . I let the girls go ahead as I stopped to take photos . Many times . The path was on the right side of the cliff because there was absolutely no wind at all . It was absolutely silent , and all we could see was False Bay below us and the Cape Peninsula encompassing it . It was other - worldly . The hike back up was … challenging . But everyone knows I my fitness levels are in the negative , so it shouldn 't be surprising . It wasn 't that bad though , I just stopped here and there to breathe and I was fine after that . Premsheela wanted to walk back down whereas Surbhi wanted to take the funicular just so she could experience it . She 's like me in more ways than one , and this was just another example of how similar we are . I totally understood her desire to go on it , and I myself wanted to use it too cos I really had had enough of the wind . Premsheela carried on down the same path we had climbed earlier , and Surbhi and I went to find out the cost of the tickets for the funicular . When the guy told us the price , we weren 't impressed as it was just one way and didn 't really want to spend more money unnecessarily . When we turned to leave , he told us he 'd do us a favour and charge us only for one ticket , as long as we gave him the money discreetly . We figured we 'd take up the opportunity because heck , why not ? He then opened the " special entrance " for us and let us through , bypassing all the other people who were queuing . I think he felt bad when he saw our expressions after hearing the price - it was very kind of him . I felt good knowing that someone local had been s0 kind to us , especially to my foreign friend . I was the designated driver since the girls don 't know how to drive ( yet ) , so I couldn 't eat . Surbhi is without a doubt the best passenger I 've had . When we were on our way to Cape Point in the morning , she held out a handful of chips for me to take from , and when we left for Hout Bay after getting our muffins , she broke pieces off of it so that I could just grab it without having to struggle or even look away from the road . She did the same with pieces of chocolate too . It 's the little things . Thanks Surbhi . Hout Bay is around 40 minutes back towards the city from Cape Point and we headed straight for it . I didn 't actually know what we were going to do apart from enjoying Chapman 's Peak drive and the views of Hout Bay itself . I was also hoping to have some fish from Mariner 's Wharf , the local restaurant in the harbour , but I wasn 't sure if I would be able to since both girls are vegetarian and I would have felt bad to have something non - vegetarian . I didn 't say anything about it though . Minutes after we arrived at the Hout Bay harbour , Surbhi asked if I want to have the fish . I was surprised because it was as if she had read my mind . I said yes , but that we should walk around a little . We really thought it was going to rain because there were threatening clouds behind us . In fact , there was a different weather pattern in every direction we turned , so we basically just followed the light . After taking in the views and a bunch of silly selfies ( we went a little mad at one point ) , we started walking back until Surbhi again asked if I want to have the fish . I couldn 't say no , but I knew she hadn 't eaten either so asked if they would both sit down and have at least some chips with me . They actually just wanted to play in the water again , so me having the fish I so wanted was the perfect opportunity for them . I didn 't mind at all , since I 'd be able to sit outside where I could see them . The fish was to die for - it was as fresh as I expected it to be . It was just battered hake , nothing fancy , and chips . Mariner 's Wharf now also makes their own craft beer called Olde Seadog Beer which is a must . I 'm glad I could give it a try because it was so worth it . If Surbhi and Premsheela weren 't real friends , I would have felt bad sitting there eating alone , but that didn 't happen even once . You can tell when people are genuine , and these two girls are . It might seem insignificant , but when a friend warmly smiles and waves at you , it says a thousand words . We didn 't spend too long in Hout Bay , probably just over an hour . I suppose we could have done more but I myself wasn 't too familiar with what the place had to offer apart from the stunning views . Anyway , I wasn 't keen on driving back at night since I wasn 't familiar with the roads . We made our way back to the city and something I just had to do was see the sunset from Camps Bay . I had done it when I was last in Cape Town in 2008 , and I just had to see it again . It 's funny , I 've never seen a sunrise in my home town of Durban , but I 've seen several sunsets in other parts of the world . My best friend Sophia suggested Punjab Wok for us to have supper at - she rates it higher than Bukhara , which is quite something considering it 's the most top rated Indian restaurant in Cape Town . Punjab Wok is near where she lives , in Century City , so she agreed to meet us there . I had been wanting to visit her in Cape Town for several years but I always ended up doing something else . I guess the time just wasn 't right . Sophia 's mom was visiting from Durban and at the last minute , Sophia had to shuffle plans around , so she could only meet us for around 10 minutes . It was fine though , the main thing was that we 'd see her and that Premsheela would eat something . We weren 't sure exactly where the restaurant was so took a few minutes trying to figure out where to park . As we were walking towards where we figured the restaurant might be , we passed one called Tiger 's Milk . Really now , why on earth would you name a restaurant Tiger 's Milk ? It looked like a really cool place though - I think I 'll give it a try next time . Once we got to the restaurant , we just ordered some starters while waiting for Sophia . She arrived full of smiles and energy only 15 or so minutes later . If there 's ever a friend who can light up a room , it 's Sophia . In the short time we spent with her , she took us through the entire menu telling us what was good ( everything , pretty much ) and asked what we had gotten up to . She asked whether we had gone to Boulders Beach to see the penguins , since we had gone to Simon 's Town . I didn 't realise at all that Boulders Beach was in Simon 's Town ( I know ) and I knew Premsheela wouldn 't stop asking for me to take her to see the penguins until I did . Sophia is a regular at Punjab Wok so when the waiter and manager came to say that they 're closing the kitchen at 9pm , she was not impressed . It was only around 8 : 30 . She firmly told them that she knows they just want to go home and that the kitchen does not close at 9 , especially when there are customers , so they must not irritate us and should let us order whenever we feel like . They agreed to close the kitchen at 9 : 30 , but even after Sophia left ( she also had a quick word with them at the counter ) , they continuously came to our table to ask whether or not we wanted to order anything more . I eventually asked the manager whether he was telling the couple in the corner the same thing because I don 't see him going to their table as often as he was coming to ours . He said that he did tell them ; he knew I was irritated . It 's one thing when you can 't get a waiter 's attention , but when he keeps coming every 5 - 7 minutes , it becomes annoying as hell . So annoying , in fact , that the 3 of us ended up hurling swear words at him in Hindi with full blown smiles on our faces . I 'm sure he thought we were complimenting him . I loved it because since there was only one ( white ) couple in the restaurant , apart from the girls , no one could understand what I was saying and I could say it at full volume . When the waiter brought the bill at 9 : 25 , Premsheela couldn 't help but ask what the chai ice cream was , just to have a final dig at him since it was close to the time that they said the kitchen is going to close . He then left the bill on our table and went back to the front desk . We told him that we were going to pay cash , but he didn 't come back . Premsheela wanted to walk out ( just to mess with them ) but Surbhi and I were scared to push it that far . We ended up just getting up and paying at the front desk . Once we went out of the door , the waiter asked us whether or not we were going to come back . I wanted to just say no and walk away , but I decided to moderate my response by saying " We don 't live here , so I doubt it " . I will probably go back at some point though , but when I 'm with Sophia . It took us longer to get home than we expected because the car 's GPS took us into some dodgy part of the city . I had a bad feeling about it when we took one of the turns , and ended up using Google Maps on my phone to get us out of there . On the way , Surbhi spotted a sign on a building that said " Cape Town " , but because of the font , it looked like " Tape Town " . Let 's just say that was Premsheela 's trigger and for the rest of the night , even till today , everything is " tape " . We are tapey girls ; that thing is tape ; that person is tape ; tape is bisexual because it 's not a straight tape . It was absolutely crazy and Surbhi and I were in stitches . Cape Town 2017 : Day 1 In 2013 , it took me only about 10 minutes to decide that I was going to take up my relative 's offer to visit her in Switzerland . Roughly 2 months later , I was on a plane . That was the least amount of time I had taken to plan , book , and go on a trip . Ever . Until now . One of my friends from India who is contracting to my company went back home on Wednesday 17 May . Because we had been so busy with the project that I 've mentioned several times in recent posts , we could not really go anywhere over the weekends . Surbhi had been saying for weeks that she wants to go to Cape Town before she leaves , but we didn 't know if or when we could make that happen . When we arrived on Friday , we got our hired car from the airport and went straight to Table Mountain . The weather was dismal and the sun was playing hide and seek with us . We were stuck in annoying traffic and realised that it was partly due to a large truck which was going at around 30km / hr . The horse part of the truck was Stuttaford Van Lines , but the trailer had transparent plastic sides . When we looked inside , there were 2 surgeons inside operating on a patient . I was totally taken aback because I made eye contact with one of the surgeons the moment that I realised what was going on . The girls were totally freaked out by it , and the fact that it was close to one of the hospitals made the whole situation even more believable . As it turned out , it was just a marketing strategy for a new movie called Bypass . The patient was a dummy , and the surgeons were just actors . Damn , they did a good job ! I hadn 't driven a manual car for at least 2 years , so I was slightly nervous driving around a city that was relatively foreign to me , especially up the windy road to Table Mountain . I felt like such an idiot when I eventually found a parking but couldn 't figure out how to put the car into reverse . Before my BMW , I drove my dad 's VW Polo , and one had to push the gear to the extreme top left to put it into reverse . I tried that several times with this car ( a Toyota Corolla ) and I just kept going forward . Eventually , I went so far forward that 2 cars were able to parallel park behind me . Eventually we just sat in the car waiting for someone to park in front of me so I could ask them . Only a minute or 2 later , a young local couple showed up , and , visibly embarrassed , I asked the guy if he could help . He chuckled and got into the car while telling me that all I needed to do was lift the top of the gear up while shifting . I had never used a gear like that before , so I didn 't feel so bad after that . It was still pretty funny though . Unfortunately , once we got to the ticket station , we were informed that cableway was closed because of the wind . We didn 't know what to do because going up the mountain was pretty much our only plan for the day . We spent a few minutes considering our options before deciding to head down to the V & A Waterfront . Even if we couldn 't do anything , we could at least enjoy the beauty of the place . We wandered around the waterfront for at least 2 hours and even considered going to the Two Oceans Aquarium so that we could be indoors and avoid the occasional drizzle and cold wind . It turned out to be a little too expensive considering we would only spend an hour or 2 there so that we 'd make it in time for check in to the guest house we booked at in Camps Bay . Despite the dull weather , we got ourselves an ice cream sandwich from a Crumbs and Cream stand right outside the aquarium . It 's never too cold for ice cream . When we eventually arrived at the guest house , there was no one to receive us . All the doors and gates were locked , and we didn 't know how to get in . I called the owner and he had forgotten that he didn 't send me an access code or directions on how to enter . It was like a puzzle getting into that place : first there was a combination lock on a box against the wall next to a gate which , when opened , gave us access to a big door key that was stuck with Prestik to the back of the box in which it was in . Then we had to use that key to unlock another box close to the ground which contained an envelop marked " Welcome pack " , inside which lay a set of keys . One of those keys opened the gate , and another the door behind it . The third key opened the door to the actual guest house . We were uncomfortable as soon as we walked in . Let 's just say the place was not at all like the pictures made it out to be . Besides it being tacky , it smelled as though the windows hadn 't been opened in months . The bathroom was a scary sight too ; it was as if we were in a jungle thanks to the blue mosaic tiles and plastic roof . We only spent around 1 . 5 hours there trying to come up with an escape plan . Long story short , we cancelled the booking and bolted out of there , only to spend the next 2 hours or so looking for an alternative within our price range on booking . com . My best friend Sophia was on the phone with me trying to help us out too , and eventually we found the perfect place titled " Convenience by the sea " . Sophia found it very amusing , but I knew it was just a description of the place as it was clearly an apartment . After securing the booking , I called Marc ( the guy letting the apartment out ) from Surbhi 's phone , and he quickly agreed to meet us there within 30 minutes . I thought it was brilliant that he 'd be available at such short notice . We found the place easily and parked in the space in front of the apartment building , next to the front door . We waited patiently in the car for a few minutes , since we were only 5 minutes away . The apartment is in Three Anchor Bay , which is an area in between Green Point and Sea Point . Barely 10 minutes later , a very good looking guy showed up at the door . He was looking at his phone so I asked Surbhi to check hers in case he was calling or messaging on it , because I was convinced that he was the guy I had spoken to on the phone . I thought that his face matched his voice . I told both girls not to stare at him because he 'd be able to see that the 3 of us were all looking at him at the same time , and it would have been creepy ! When Surbhi 's phone didn 't ring and the guy went inside , I thought I was probably wrong about who he was . A minute or two later , a petite woman entered the building . I figured it was another resident . Suddenly I noticed movement on my right so I turned to look - the same good looking guy had come out of the side entrance and was walking towards me smiling . That smile instantly confirmed that he was Marc . We all got out of the car and he introduced himself to each of us . I don 't know if it was just me , but I pretty much became like a blithering idiot because he was so insanely good looking . He said that our timing was perfect since the cleaner had just left , and the apartment had only just become available as the last guest had left that morning . He then asked if I could move the car a little to the extreme left of the parking as that was his parking . I don 't know why the girls got back into the car with me , but I wouldn 't be surprised if it was because they were just as starstruck as I was . Because there was a small gutter in between the parking and the road , I had to move the car very slowly as I was scared I was going to scrape the bumper on the road . Let 's just say I went a little too slowly and I stalled the car not once , not twice , but THREE TIMES . I wanted to kill myself ; it was without a doubt the most embarrassing moment of my life . When I got out of the car , I told Marc to forget what he just saw cos it was my first time driving a manual in a very long time . He chuckled pleasantly and said it 's ok and that these things happen . He was so nice . He broke our hearts seconds later when he said that his girlfriend was waiting for us upstairs . Turns out it was the woman we had seen entering the building minutes earlier . The girls and I gave each other looks of approval the moment we entered the apartment as it was not only clean and tidy , but also bright , airy , and kind on the eyes . I really don 't remember her name , but Marc 's girlfriend said that she noticed us in the car but wasn 't sure if it was us , and I said yes , we saw her and Marc too but I told the girls not to stare cos it would be creepy for all of us to be looking at them at the same time . It was quite amusing , and they were so warm that I didn 't feel embarrassed to say that . Besides , what could be more embarrassing than stalling the car 3 times in front of an audience ? Marc was also nice enough to waiver the deposit of R1500 because he said we look like decent girls so he doesn 't foresee any trouble . If you think I 'm exaggerating about how good looking he is , ladies , do yourselves a favour and google Marc Buckner . Yes , he is a model . You 're welcome . The apartment was just off a popular main road which had lots of restaurants and supermarkets too , so after getting some groceries for the next few day , we headed to Posticano , an Italian restaurant that Sophia recommended . Surbhi is a foodie so she eats anything ( vegetarian ) , but we weren 't sure what Premsheela was going to have . Long story short , Surbhi and I ate while Premsheela sat and watched us . That girl is crazy , but she did make something to eat once we got back to the apartment . USA and Canada : The trip I 've planned the least This trip should be very interesting . The project I mentioned in my previous post has been moved yet again ( with good reason ) and this time we are targeting the end of May . I hope to God that that 's the last time it 'll be moved , but the last thing we want to do is sacrifice quality just to meet a date . Fingers crossed . Thanks to this project , I am now working 10 hour days every day , which is not at all normal for me . There are the odd 11 and 12 hour days here and there too . My body has actually adjusted to it now and I 'm not sure whether or not that 's a good thing . I am also attending training now which is awesome , however I missed the past 2 weekends because classes ran over both Saturdays and Sundays , from 8 : 30am - 4pm , so I 've been having 7 day weeks . Thank God for the Easter weekend break . Thereafter , classes will be exclusively on Saturdays . Basically , I have no life right now . I have not even had the time to get my Canadian visa yet . The US one took less than a week - I did it in January I think , which should give you an indication of how busy I am since we 're going to be in the second week of April and I still haven 't gotten to it . Next week it needs to happen ; come hell or high water ! The visa is probably the biggest thing left for me to do . That , and booking for the Calgary Stampede . If you 've read my blog before , you 'll know that I do a fair amount of planning before any trip , but by the looks of things , I 'm gonna be winging it for most of this one . I have not even had a Skype call yet with the family I 'm going to stay with in Toronto and I kind of feel bad because it 's almost as if I 'm only going to be in contact with them while I 'm there . That 's really not how I want things to be considering I 've never met them before . A friend and colleague of mine also resigned , and we did something I haven 't done before for her farewell - Paint Nite . It 's basically what they like to call " creative drinking " i . e . paint while you drink . The event , where the artist guides the class in recreating his / her painting , is held at different restaurants around Joburg . Once upon a time I was pretty good at art , and considering my mom was an art teacher , it 's in my blood . I 'm not sure if I still have it in me , but I 'm happy with how my painting turned out . So besides bidding Steph farewell , this was a small tribute to my mom too . 2017 : Filling in more pieces of the puzzle I think this is going to be a very important year for me . The project I 've been working on for a 3rd year now is ( hopefully ) about to come to an end . In less than 2 months we can talk about things other than the project which I know everyone in my company is looking forward to . It 's been 6 years since I studied and I 'm going to change that this year . I 've spent the last year being not only a Business Analyst , but a Developer , Architect , Team Leader , and Project Manager as well . There were days where I didn 't know whether I was coming or going , but somehow I managed to pull it off . Fake it till you make it , they say , although it was more of a do - or - die situation . I 'm not planning on doing anything major , but the fact that I 'll be studying ( since I 'll finally have the time and mental energy to once this project ends ) is a big thing for me . It 's always nice to have a formal certification to prove your abilities . If you 've read my blog posts before , you 'd know that there is almost nothing more important to me than travelling . Last year I was so confused where I wanted to go next , and I had pretty much made up my mind that it was going to be Norway . However , after checking what it was actually going to cost me , I immediately switched over to the second option : Canada . You might be wondering how bad the cost of going to Norway must have been for me to turn it down . Well , I wanted to do a cruise with Hurtigruten , a proper one where I 'd have my own decent cabin and bathroom facilities . It turned out that the price I initially thought I was going to pay was for one of the smallest ships on the fleet that had shared bathroom facilities . Call me spoiled if you want , I don 't care , but I refuse to share a bathroom with strangers . In order to get what I wanted , I 'd have to pay for one of the proper cruise liners whose price soared to over € 3000 for the 12 day round - trip . I was simply not prepared to pay that on top of my flights , visas , and transfers to and from Oslo , not to mention accommodation in Oslo . I 've spent less than that touring several countries for almost double the time . So sorry , Norway , but you 're going to have to wait . For decades my relatives in Canada have been nagging my mom and I to visit , and the time has come to do it . Unfortunately my mom isn 't physically able to do the journey comfortably , so I am going alone . Of course , this isn 't going to be my first solo trip . I 've never been to North America before , so I 'm very excited about it . Canada is somewhere I 'm considering relocating to in the not too distant future , so this trip is not only to see family , but to also scout around to see whether or not I like it enough to see myself actually living there . And yes , I know it 's cold , but the only way I 'll know how cold it really is is to go there myself . I 'm expecting summer to be like a winter in Johannesburg , so I 'm quite looking forward to seeing if that is really the case . So where exactly am I going ? San Francisco , Calgary , and Toronto . In that order . I 'm lucky enough to have a good friend in San Francisco with whom I 'm going to stay , and God knows what shenanigans we 're going to get up to for a whole week . We 've only met twice ( at my cousin 's wedding ) but we literally talk everyday . Even though there 's a 10 - hour time difference , we speak just as often ( if not more ) than the friends I actually see everyday . It 's insane that I found a twin sister across the Atlantic ; who would have thought ? Ok so this is definitely going to sound cheesy ( and probably really dumb ) but here goes : not only did I grow up hearing about Alcatraz and Golden Gate Bridge , I also spent over a decade of my life watching Charmed and Full House . Several movies that I like to re - watch were also set there . It 's only recently that I joined the dots and realized that all these things I 've been watching for so many years had one thing in common : San Francisco . It 's also the home of Silicon Valley - every IT person 's ultimate place to work . So it 's an obvious choice , don 't you think ? Family , duh . I can never remember exactly how we 're related , but it 's through my late grandmother on my mom 's side . They 've lived in Canada for around 30 years . I remember first meeting my niece and nephew ( who are actually older than me by about 10 years ) at my grandmother 's house when I was 4 or 5 years old . We were playing in her garden . It was so long ago , it feels like a dream . I can 't wait to see them again . Right now I 'm going through the visa process before I can book my flights . Had I known I had to get the US visa before booking flights , I would have done it last year . Now I can only hope it processes quick enough so that the flight prices don 't soar too high by the time I have to book . I 'm so used to the European visa process that I took it for granted that you book your flights before applying for the visa so that you can prove when you 're entering and leaving the country . Oh well , I guess you learn something everyday . Throughout my life , every single trip I 've been on has something to do with that world map puzzle I used to build when I was little . There were particular labels on that map , be it countries , cities , rivers , or even lakes , that made me excited every time I picked up that particular piece to fit it in to where it belonged . Physically going to those places now is like picking up that piece of myself and fitting it in that puzzle . Last year while in Germany , I decided that I wanted my next trip to be somewhere outside of Europe , since my last 4 trips ( including that one ) were there and I thought it high time I visited another continent . I don 't know what it is about Europe that draws me to it so much but I just keep wanting to go back . I also decided that whenever I do go back to Europe , that it 'd be in winter . I 've got family in Canada who have been asking for years for my mom and I to visit them , and I figured that it would only be right for me to go there next . Canada is one of those places I am considering emigrating to at some point because it has the kind of lifestyle that I want . I love mountains and lakes and open space , and want to be in a place where the quality of living is high and the stress levels are low . I also want to be able to enjoy the outdoors and not have to go very far out to do that . Johannesburg is great for building a career , but in the long term , it is not the kind of life I want . When I go to Canada , I want it to be for at least a month so that I can see as much as I possibly can while also spending some time with my family in Toronto and Montreal . I also want to do hikes and see the national parks like Banff , and visit Whistler for a couple of days too . I even have a friend in Saskatchewan that I 'd like to stop over at . Since I 'd be going so far , I thought it would be a good idea to visit friends in New York and San Francisco as well , since I plan to go across the country all the way to Vancouver . A colleague of mine , Elize , told me about a business trip she once did to Vancouver , accompanied by her husband . While she was busy with all the business she had gone for , Elize suggested that her husband take a boat trip to Alaska . He didn 't want to and she still remembers that opportunity that he missed . She told me about it not knowing that I 've always wanted to go to Alaska . A boat trip from Vancouver was one of the ways to do it . I am going to keep that in mind until I actually put the Canada plans into motion . From the time I used to build that humongous world map puzzle when my age was in single digits , I was always fascinated with that curved piece of land above Europe ; it was one of a couple puzzle pieces that joined the one that said " Baltic Sea " . Norway , Sweden , and Finland were green , yellow , and purple on that puzzle . I remember it like it were yesterday . I not only loved the names of those countries for reasons I still can 't comprehend , but there was something about what appeared to be a hundred rivers cutting up the edge of the westernmost country , Norway . Not only that , there was also this little pointy bit that stuck out towards the top of it . As I got older , I found out that those ' hundred rivers ' were actually called Fjords . It was only until much later , after having access to the Internet and social media , did I find out that those pictures that I loved the most were of a place called the Lofoten Archipelago - that ' pointy bit ' that caught my interest every time I built that puzzle . And I built it many times . The Northern Lights . Need I say why ? There is only one problem with this , however : even though probably the most ultimate bucket list item of mine would be ticked off after seeing it , it means that I 'd have to go beyond the Arctic Circle in the middle of winter . Yes , I did want my next trip to Europe to be in winter and I would absolutely die for the experience of going north of the Arctic Circle , but thanks to Norway 's latitude , this means that there would be almost 24 hours of darkness . It 's not the cold that I 'm worried about ( I prefer cold to heat ) , it was that . The best time to see the Northern Lights is between late September and late March , and the more north you go closer to December , the fewer the hours of daylight . To make a trip that far to a country I 've had some kind of spiritual ties to since childhood would just not make sense when my plan is to do a 12 day cruise along the coast . If the Northern Lights was all I 'd be able to see ( and even that won 't be guaranteed ) , is it really be worth spending that much money for so many days ? Granted , I 'd be able to do things like dog sledding and other snow - related activities , but then that means I 'd have to go pretty much in December when it is actually snowing . Snow is good , but have you ever heard of a Polar Night ? That 's 24 hours of darkness and it happens for pretty much the entire month of December . No . The Fjords . Norway is known for it 's rugged beauty . As I said before , I love mountains and lakes more than anything else . Fjords are on another level . I would just not be satisfied sitting on a ship all day because of the darkness . This means that I will need to choose between winter and summer . The Northern Lights or the Fjords . As of today , the Fjords are winning . Why ? Yes , it 's not like I wouldn 't be able to see them in winter , but in winter , I wouldn 't be able to actually get off the ship and hike them . I 'd be able to see them from sea level and that 'd be it . Even though I know I 'd regret not going for the lights , I 'd have traveled so far and not been able to truly see the country . Going in the middle of summer means that I 'd experience the total opposite of the Polar Night , namely the Midnight Sun . I 'd literally be able to wake up in the middle of the night and hike . Even if the hiking opportunity at night might only be possible once or twice , it 'd be a totally unique experience nonetheless . You may be wondering what cruise I 've been talking about all this time . If you haven 't already heard about them , I am talking about Hurtigruten . They are a company that started by doing Norwegian cruises , but have also now expanded to the Americas , Iceland , and even Antarctica , among others . I 'm planning to do what they call the " Classic Round Trip " voyage which starts in Bergen and goes all the way to Kirkenes , a mere 11km or so from the Russian border . So where on earth did India come from ? I have my mother to thank for that . I 'm not going to say how this suggestion came about or why it is on this list ( I 'll save that for another post ) , but recently I have been thinking a lot about how precious time is . If my mother is able and willing to go to India , then I will put my plans aside and go with her . We don 't value the time we have with our parents or other loved ones enough , so if I have the opportunity to go with her on what could very well be her last trip , how could I miss that ? I 'm still young and I hopefully still have plenty time left on this earth , but I can never get back the time I have with my mother . It will happen one day , but I 'm in no hurry . I fell in love once and it couldn 't work out , and until I have that kind of connection with someone again ( or even the same person , who knows ) , I don 't see why I should rush into anything . People these days rush into relationships just because they don 't want to be alone , and then they end up being miserable because that person doesn 't actually make them happy . The one thing I will never do is settle for some guy just for the sake of saying I 'm married . It 's not worth it . Yes , I do want to get married and have kids , but until I meet someone , why should I not live my life ? I don 't want to wake up old , sick , and fragile one day wondering why I didn 't take that trip when I was young and able and had no ties to keep me down . Many people spend all their time building their careers and trying to set themselves up for an early retirement or whatever , not realising that we actually don 't know if we 'll even be alive long enough to see that happen . By all means , save some money , but don 't just let your life pass you by . Stop taking your time or health for granted . Trust me . Otherwise , if it wasn 't already clear , it has basically come down to Norway or India , and it all depends on my mother . She isn 't the only factor , but she is the main one . Of course I will be documenting everything once a decision has been made . Till then , do yourself a favour and go plan a trip . Berlin Part 3 : Checkpoint Charlie , Climbing the Dome , and Getting Harassed 6 October 2015 . Checkpoint Charlie was one of those places I had to see . It really wasn 't far from my hotel at all - on the side of Friedrichstraße that I hadn 't been to . So of course I took a walk there straight after breakfast . I walked for about 15 minutes and by 10 : 30 , I saw the actual checkpoint about 20m in front of me . There was quite a queue and I couldn 't quite see what it was for . I wasn 't about to go join it just yet , so had a look around the vicinity and noticed that there was a photo gallery on what appeared to be part of the actual Berlin Wall . There were captioned pictures of what the area looked like during the war , with tanks and a lot of the area totally destroyed and covered in rubble . One of the pictures also showed an aerial view of the exact point where I was standing , and how there was a road there . It was a little difficult to visualize all the buildings around me not being there . While I was reading one of the captions , this girl came asking for a donation . She looked Middle Eastern , and the thought of her being a refugee crossed my mind , but something wasn 't right about it . I wasn 't sure what to make of it , and when I looked around , it was if my radar switched on because I could suddenly see a whole lot of other similarly dressed girls all over the place bothering both locals and tourists alike . I felt bad for her because she was constantly nagging me , and I tried my best to politely refuse . For me , it was a matter of giving away Euros , not South African Rands . Because the exchange rate was about R16 to the Euro , anything I 'd be giving away would actually cost me more than I was willing to give away . No matter what I said , she just wouldn 't leave me alone . Suddenly I heard a man 's voice behind me telling her in German to go away . When I turned around , it was an Indian man . She listened to him , and he said to me to not give her anything because " they like to target foreigners " . I thanked him and turned back to the caption I was reading , but I could tell that he wasn 't done talking . He then asked for my name and where I was from , and said that his name was Joy . I immediately thought he was probably a Punjabi Indian because they often have names like Joy . Anyway , I still tried to continue reading the captions , but he would not stop talking . It was like he wasn 't taking the hint that I was really not interested in talking to him , mostly because there was something very creepy about his eyes . They did not look honest at all and I could tell that he was not someone who could be trusted . He continued talking , and I said as little as possible . It wasn 't long before he asked if I wanted to go get a cup of coffee . My adrenaline started pumping because it was a situation I really wanted to get out of , so my first reaction was to say that I was on a very tight schedule and had no time to do anything right now . It took a few tries of " No really , I can 't " to get him to give up . But then he asked if we can have dinner later at Amrit near Potsdamer Platz , since I said that that where I was staying ( not the actual hotel of course ) . The area in which I was staying was literally the only information I gave him about myself . At least , until he persisted so much that the only way I could think of to get him off my ass ( other than swearing him , which is what I actually wanted to do ) was to get him to send me a private message on Facebook . Thankfully my privacy settings don 't allow strangers to add me as a friend . I had to let him send the message because there was no WiFi in the area for me to search for him , and I also figured that it would buy me some time to not only investigate who he actually was ( because I didn 't believe that his name was really Joy ) , but also to come up with some sort of excuse for not being able to make it for dinner . I figured I could then block him immediately afterwards so that he 'd never be able to contact me again . There was no way I was going to give him my number or any other information , and I really just wanted to get rid of him in the most polite way possible , since I was in public and didn 't want to go all ape - shit while telling him to f * * * off . Besides , he had the look of a kidnapper or something , so I thought swearing at him might be a bad idea , because the last thing I wanted was to anger him since I had no way of knowing what his reaction might be . He looked like someone who would follow me if I rejected him too , so I had to be careful how I handled the situation . Fast forward 7 hours later when I was back at my hotel - his message came through and it turned out that his name was something Sheik . I say " something " because it wasn 't Joy , and now when I viewed my Blocked List , it says that his name is Fatima Sheik . I don 't recall it being Fatima when I received that message almost 1 year ago , and it is certainly an easy enough name for me to remember since I have a close friend with that first name . At the time , when I investigated his profile before blocking him , it was evident that he was also married and had children . Had he been honest , his name would have not only remained the same on Facebook , but he would have also told me his real name . He also wouldn 't be trying to ask out a girl who was not his wife . Moral of the story : trust your gut instincts . When I was finally free , I went into the what appeared to be the entrance of the Checkpoint Charlie Museum . I wasn 't that interested in actually going inside , but I think it was mostly because I was still trying to calm myself down after just having a very weird encounter with a man whose piercing , creepy eyes I couldn 't get out of my head . It was not a good thing . Anyway , I had read that Checkpoint Charlie was one of those places where you could get your passport stamped , and saw that there were 2 kiosks where it was possible . One of them charged about € 6 for it ( madness I tell you ) , while the other would stamp it in exchange for any donation you were willing to give . 3 years prior , I had paid about € 2 to get my passport stamped in Liechtenstein , so that is what I decided to pay for this one , and the guy was happy to oblige for that amount . So basically , when abroad , don 't just jump at the first thing you see when you could find the same thing for much less right next door , under your very nose . Once I was done there , I figured it was time to go take some pictures with the " soldiers " - the reason behind the queue of people I had seen minutes before . One of them was extremely good looking … so much so that it was difficult not to stare at him . He was clearly a little nutty , too , and loved the attention . I think it was only because of his perfectly chiseled face that people didn 't mind what he said or did . When I joined the quickly moving queue , I noticed that there was another " soldier " collecting € 2 from each person . I had no idea what it was for , but it was a small price to pay for a teeny bit of fun . In 60 seconds , that very " soldier " took 60 photos . This was the result , and I think you can tell which of the " soldiers " I was referring to before . After I got my photos , I had no particular destination in mind . The more I think of it now , the more I want to kick myself . That one place that I really wanted to go to that I could have easily went to was Legoland Berlin . I still can 't believe that I didn 't go . Anyway , I had quite a few hours to go before my Third Reich tour at 2pm , so I thought I 'd take a walk back to my favourite place : the Dom . I felt as though I hadn 't taken enough photos of it , so I wanted more . Also , I just really liked the area it was in and I wanted to see it again . It was kind of like how I felt about seeing St Peters Church as many times as I possibly could while I was in Rome . Once I got to the Dom , I realised I 'd regret it if I didn 't go inside . For once in my life I remembered to use the Welcome Card , and I got a bit of a discount to enter . It also gave me the opportunity to climb to the top . At first , I wasn 't sure if I should do it , but when I looked at the time and saw that I had at least 1 . 5 hours to get to Brandenburg Gate for the start of my Third Reich tour , I decided to just do it . There were signs every so often warning that the climb was physically demanding , since there were around 270 steps ( I thought it was about 400 , but Google reminded me of the actual number ) . I must say , the climb wasn 't that bad at all . As I 've mentioned many times before , my fitness levels go into the negative , but I was able to climb to the top without feeling as though I was going to die . There were plenty of landing spaces and flat areas to walk to break the climb , so it 's not like it 's one long spiral staircase to the top . I expected it to be a little like Neuschwanstein , but that wasn 't the case at all . After I got photos of the view , I made my way back down . Also , the Chinese girl had totally disappeared . I didn 't really bother looking for her because I needed to get to my Third Reich tour . The drizzle had dampened my spirits a bit , but I was just glad it remained a drizzle and that I was warmly dressed . Getting to the Third Reich tour was such a rush because I actually spent longer at the Dome than I expected to , and it was quite a walk to the nearest metro station , namely Alexanderplatz . It was so bad , that by the time I got to the station , it was already 2pm . I figured I 'd make it just in time because the actual tour was supposed to start at 2 : 30pm , so the 30 minute grace period before that would be used to check in for it . Once I got to the Brandenburg Gate stop , it was already 2 : 20pm , because I had to change trains at Friedrichstraße . The signs in the Friedrichstraße station are so bad , that finding where I needed to go was absolutely horrendous . I was just glad that I didn 't have a big bag with me . When I eventually figured out where my train was ( I actually think I just winged it and hoped for the best ) , I got on it and reached Brandenburg Gate just after 2 : 30pm . I knew all that time that I was going to be late for the tour . Once I got out of the train , I literally ran to the meeting point that was Starbucks . I was too late . The tour had already left at about 2 : 15pm , so I was really annoyed because they clearly didn 't check that everyone was there . Anyway , there were still people with red jackets and umbrellas waiting to do other tours , so when I asked one of them , they said that it would be okay for me to come the following day since the ticket wouldn 't expire any time soon . Annoyed that I had wasted my energy for a tour I was definitely going to miss , I got myself a grande cafe mocha from Starbucks . It was the perfect fix for my mood , and went perfectly well with the weather . Starbucks may not know how to do all their coffees right , but they certainly know how to do a cafe mocha . At least , the one in Berlin at Brandenburg Gate . Since I hadn 't eaten at all since breakfast , yet again , I wasn 't sure what to do for lunch / supper . I didn 't want to get more currywurst because that would certainly not fill me for 2 meals . The creepazoid from earlier in the day mentioned Amrit , and it so happened that Amrit was a place that I had found while planning my trip as I was looking for popular places around my hotel . I figured that I could still go there and not encounter that weirdo , since it was still early in the day ( before 4pm ) . When I got there , I was seated in a bright corner next to some locals . It 's funny how people are attracted to food from a different culture . Besides the staff , I was literally the only Indian person in the restaurant . It was rather fancy looking , and had prices to match . I just wanted something like a tandoori chicken , and managed to find it on the menu at a decent price ( I can 't remember what exactly ) . I got a chicken dish of some sort , but it was with gravy . I had ordered the tandoori without the gravy . I don 't recall what it was called , but when the waiter brought it to me and told me what it was , it was something else . Anyway , it was still quite tasty . I obviously paid more than I planned to since it was a different meal . Normally I would have said something , but I didn 't feel really comfortable with the staff … they weren 't particularly friendly . Amrit , I 'd give you a 3 / 5 . Since it was my last night in Berlin , I wanted to go out and see the city at night . One thing Berlin is certainly good at is how it dresses itself up at night . Potsdamer Platz is also a buzzing place to be , so I didn 't want to miss seeing it at night . After relaxing in my hotel room for a little while , I headed out . It was already dark at about 8pm , and the weather was good . It had stopped raining and there was a fresh , gentle breeze . I was keen on using my F1 . 4 lens to take some photos , because I thought I had finally figured out how to use it effectively . At least , for an amateur . I hadn 't walked about much , but it had become cold , so I didn 't want to venture far out . I had to get that view of the back of Brandenburg Gate that I had come to see , and this was the only time to do it . I took a slightly different route to normal , which let me approach it from the back rather than from the metro station in front of it , and it was well worth it . Before leaving my hotel , I told my friends that I was going for a walk . They all told me to be careful , but when I was walking , I felt completely safe . My mind was completely empty of worries and all I could think of was that it was my last night in Germany and I didn 't want to leave . I was the happiest I had been in almost a year and it was finally coming to an end . There was no better place to spend my last night in Berlin than at Brandenburg Gate . And , of course , the road had been completely cleared of all barricades from the weekend , just as I hoped they would be . God bless the Germans . I spent a little over an hour out before heading back to my hotel . By the time I got to the point where I was satisfied with my view of the gate , it had begun to drizzle again . When I got back to Motel One around 9 : 30pm , I decided to have a local beer in the breakfast area / bar . It was the final cherry on top on my last night . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
shift rolled around Johnny 's cough seemed better , but his voice was hoarse and his chest ached from coughing . To top it all off after stalling as long as he dared , when it came time to leave his apartment it was pouring down rain . He grabbed the only jacket he had from the hook by the door , slung it over his shoulders and slipped his arms in quickly . That was the best he could do . If he didn 't leave now he would surely be late . To him it seemed that instead of slowing down like he 'd hoped , it now came down in torrents . Scotty stood at the back overhead doors sipping coffee and watching it rain . Captain Jones came up behind him with his own steaming cup . " Looks like it isn 't gonna stop anytime soon . " " Nope . " He sipped the brew . " What 's got you thinking this morning , Dale ? " Cap could tell from years of working together and by the crease on his Engineer 's forehead that he had something on his mind . " Just wondering how a guy that rides a motorbike gets around in this . " He motioned toward the sheet of rain cascading off the back of the building . About that time , they heard a small engine pulling into the drive out front . " Well I guess we 're about to find out . " Cap chuckled . Johnny pulled around the building and slid his bike into the space beside the dumpster where he 'd parked it before . He grabbed the bundle from the back wrapped in a green trash bag . He ran to the building before removing his helmet . His hair was the only dry thing about him . He slowed his pace as his feet hit dry ground . " Morning , " he said softly as he slipped by . " Morning John , " Cap returned the greeting . Scotty looked Johnny over . " You 're soaked . " Johnny glanced over at his new friend . " Ya think ? " He grinned and moved toward the locker room . Scotty and Cap both noticed the roughness in his voice . Cap turned to Scotty . " Think he 's okay ? " " Hope so . Sure sounds rough . " Scotty turned to the kitchen . " Want some more coffee Cap ? " Johnny room . " Thanks a lot Gage . I just got dry . " " Sorry . " He sat his bundle and helmet on the bench and pulled out of the wet jean jacket . " Oh look , if it isn 't Johnny Gage , fireman extraordinaire . " Cody called from across the room . " Whatcha got there , bringing your trash to work ? " Johnny simply continued getting ready for shift ignoring Cody 's comments . He was too wet and uncomfortable to care right now . He reached for his locker handle and pulled the door open . As he opened the door , something fell out and hit him on the head . He reflexively closed his eyes and raised his arms . He didn 't immediately know what had hit him . Cody burst into laughter . When he opened his eyes , he saw the long stick pulled into a fake bow with string holding it taut with fake eagle feathers tied to the end . " Man did you see that ? " Cody slapped his brother on the shoulders . Jim and the others got up and left the room without comment . " What ? " Cody followed his brother out . Johnny picked up the makeshift bow and put it in the trash then he stopped , rubbed his fingers along the soft feathers , and looked at it thoughtfully . Cody was the only one laughing . After hanging his turnout coat on the engine and putting his helmet in his seat , Johnny joined the others in the kitchen for roll call . Scotty handed him a cup of hot coffee . " You look like you need that . " " Thanks . " He looked that the steaming mug , brought it up and smelled it . He looked at Scotty and raised an eyebrow . " Relax , I made it . " He smiled . " You ready to do this again ? " " Yep . " Johnny took an experimental sip of coffee . He still didn 't like the taste but it was warm and that felt good . Scotty was amused as he watched Johnny wrinkle his nose at the taste . He thought he saw a slight cold rain he 'd just ridden to work in . " Okay gentlemen now that everyone 's here let 's get this day started . The rappelling drills scheduled for this morning have been postponed . " The men around the room sat up a little straighter . Captain Jones knew they were glad they wouldn 't have to do the drills in the rain . He was glad too . " I know how other skills today . " Johnny leaned over and whispered to Scotty , " What does he mean plenty of practice ? What makes today so different ? " Scotty chuckled . " You really are green aren 't ya boot . " Johnny 's mouth hung open , he pulled his head back , and his eyebrows furrowed . " Huh , what do you mean ? " " Haven 't you ever noticed that when it rains it 's like people forget how to drive ? " " Well yeah , but what 's that got to do with us ? " Johnny still didn 't understand . " Well , when you were at the academy learning how to use the jaws and K - 12 didn 't they tell you why you would need those skills ? " Scotty whispered . " Oh . " Johnny smiled at himself . " Oh yeah . " Scotty just smiled . Captain Jones had just finished the assignments for the shift when the tones called the entire station to a structure fire . Everyone ran for their respective vehicles as the bay doors creaked up slowly revealing the rain soaked streets in front of the station . Rain pelted the vehicles as The air horn blasted loudly as they neared each intersection warning the seemingly unaware drivers of their approach . Johnny watched out the front window between the swishing wipers at the cars that threw sprays of water at the sidewalks as they passed along the thoroughfare . The normal courtesy given to rescue vehicles seemed nonexistent in today 's storm . Johnny wondered if they couldn 't hear the sirens or if they were in too big of a hurry to get somewhere out of the rain to pull over and stop for the parade of bright red trucks . As they approached their destination , they could see the flames that shot high into the overcast sky , flickering , and reaching higher and higher with the wind that fanned the tendrils of the beast . The fire flitted and danced along the roof mocking the rain that poured down on it . " Gage , hook us up . " Captain Jones called back to Johnny . Moving quickly he stepped down from the engine as it slowed enough for him to disembark and grab the feeder hose . He quickly wrapped it around the base of the hydrant , planted a foot on the nozzle end , and waited until the engine stopped several yards away . Wasting no time , he stripped the cover off and attached the hose . Looking briefly over his left shoulder for a cue from Scotty to let the water flow , he nodded at the signal and released the water . Once he was sure the hydrant was functioning properly , he jogged over beside the engine to await his next instruction . " Gear up . " Captain Jones pointed to him . He nodded and pulled on his SCBA preparing to work the line . " Bill , you and Gage start in the front and cover Tony and Joe . There 's a missing worker . " " Yes sir , " Bill called back to his superior as he pulled hose from the back of the rig . " Come on Johnny , let 's go . " Johnny grabbed the hose and followed Bill to the entrance . He placed his hand on Bill 's shoulder and took a firm grip on the hose . Bill motioned to Scotty to charge the line . Johnny could feel the pressure build as the water reached them and filled the hose . Bill aimed the nozzle and opened his turnout coat . The sweat pooled near his lower back and slid downward . It was hot , and that did nothing for his already sore throat . They pushed forward into the lobby area where there once stood a reception desk , which was now a burnt out shell . Tony and Joe pushed past them and started down the hallway to the warehouse area of the building . Bill and Johnny followed closely behind the two rescue men . The roar of the fire mixed with the constant hissing noises made by their SCBA created a surreal feeling of claustrophobia . Johnny kept his eyes moving around them making sure they didn 't miss any errant flames or falling debris all the while pulling the hose along behind them . Anyone watching would have thought he 'd fought fires for years . Bill understanding and the two men directed the spray over to the large cardboard boxes filled with they didn 't know what . Tony and Joe continued searching the area . Other linemen joined Bill and Johnny in the spacious warehouse and fought the flames from several different directions . Johnny felt his hose stop and he looked back to see if to him to retreat . Tony and Joe passed them with the missing worker . Captain Jones had ordered everyone out . The fire would win this battle , but they had found the missing man . That definitely counted as a win for them . Moving quickly all the linemen backed out of the structure just in time to watch the roof fall in where they had just been . " Surround and drown . " Captain Jones ordered through the HT . As soon as Station 10 finished the clean up at the warehouse , the tones called them out to an MVA on the freeway . Johnny was beginning to understand what Scotty meant about rainy days being busy . When they pulled up the entrance ramp , the back up of traffic went on for miles . Scotty skillfully maneuvered the engine down the shoulder . The engine bucked and rocked along on the uneven roadside . " Watch out ! " Captain Jones yelled to Scotty when a motorist shot out in front of him trying to get around the stopped traffic . " I see him Cap . " Scotty didn 't seem bothered at all by the intrusion in his continued trek past the line of angry motorists . " Can you get the plate ? We 'll inform the patrolmen at the scene of his blatant disregard for the law . " " I got it . " Cap retorted . Johnny turned back around and leaned back in his seat . Watching the crazy drivers in this weather made him nervous . He pulled his turnout coat tighter to keep out the chill from the cool damp air . He stayed that way until he heard Scotty whistle at the site before them . Several cars had impacted at a high rate of speed . One had hydroplaned and flipped before the others had piled onto it . That small car was now upside down , and partially buried by the other vehicles . The only access seemed to be the bent frame of what used to be the driver 's side window . When they arrived on the scene , Captain Jones directed his men with practiced ease . " Jim , pull an inch and a half and start working on that gas spill . Gary we need the jaws on that pick - up . Jeff you can start hosing the other side over there . Bill , you and John pull those battery cables . Tony , you and Joe let us know what you need to get these people out . LA we need 2 additional ambulances . " " Cap we have a problem . " Tony called as he ran over to explain . " The only access to that car on the bottom is through what 's left of that window . I can hear Jones walked over closer to the planned point of entry . He looked around at his men . Making a quick decision he called to the one man he thought to be small enough to fit through the opening . " Gage ! " _ Chapter EightJohnny jogged over and Captain Jones pointed to the broken out window . " I need someone to crawl in there and check on the occupants of that vehicle . You 're the smallest man I have . Do you think you can manage it ? " " What do I need to do once I get in there ? " Johnny asked with wide eyes . " Well first we need to see if whoever is in there is alive . You do know how to check for a pulse , basic first aid , right ? " " Yes sir , um we learned that at the academy . " He nervously bounced from one foot to the other . " Okay then let 's go . " Cap waved to the window . Johnny followed his Captain over to the portal . The rain still pelted them mercilessly . He dropped to his knees in the water that puddled around the wrecked vehicles . The cold water seeped in against his shins as cold fear gripped his heart . ' Please be alive . ' He brushed away the shards of glass that still clung to the window frame with his gloved hand , then dropped to his belly and began inching his way inside the small dark space . Suddenly he stopped and twisted his body , reaching his hand out , " I need a flashlight . " He felt someone place the light in his hand , and he wrapped his fingers around it , twisted again , and scrambled deeper into the metal cave . He felt something soft before he flicked on the light . It was quiet , too quiet . He could hear his own breathing and the pitter - patter of the continuing rain , and the creaking of tearing metal as his cremates worked to free the other drivers . He could see in his mind 's eye the sparks flying from the blade of the K - 12 as it tore into the car above . However , inside the dark space , the sound he listened for didn 't seem to be there . The click of the flashlight switch seemed to echo in the quiet . The light shook causing the beam to vibrate along with his trembling hand . The quivering beam landed across the face , her face and her hauntingly empty eyes stared at him . Johnny dropped his head to his arm and quell the uneasy feeling in his gut . Slowly he raised his face , reached over and closed the staring eyes . He brought his hand to his face and bit the end of the glove to pull it from his hand , reached out his way backwards , he felt the glass poke through the wet fabric of his uniform pants and slice into his knee . He didn 't slow his retreat . He needed to get out of there . Captain Jones watched Johnny scramble backwards from the window . He stopped and sat up still on his knees . " Gage ? " He watched the young man close his eyes and nod slowly . Then he dropped the flashlight , shot up to his feet and stumbled over to the shoulder of the road where he again dropped to his knees and grabbed his middle . " Scotty ! " Captain Jones called to the engineer and pointed in Johnny 's direction . Scotty waved his understanding and grabbed some water from the engine . Captain Jones raised the HT to his mouth , sighed , depressed the button , " HT 10 to LA , we have at least one the wet grass . Didn 't matter that it was wet , he was soaked through and through again . " You 're bleeding . " Scotty pointed to his knee . " Better get that checked out , might have some glass in it . " Johnny nodded and rinsed his mouth . He couldn 't say anything past the giant lump in his throat . Every time he closed his eyes , all he could see were her eyes staring back at him . He shuddered . " Come on . " Scotty reached under his arm and helped him up . " I think you need a break from to Johnny being helped up onto the engine . " Cody , you don 't know what you 're talking about . Didn 't you just hear Cap call in the Code F ? Gage probably just saw his first corpse . Can 't you give the guy leave Gage alone . " Jim chastised his brother . " Now get over there and see what Cap needs you to do next . " Cody turned abruptly and stalked away from Jim . Jeff had faced inside . He 'd watched Johnny get sick when he came out . In all the weeks of training , he 'd never seen Johnny lose his cool , not even when Cody pulled another of his stunts . Johnny had always kept it together , held his temper . He walked slowly over to the engine to give Johnny his protective helmet . " Here Johnny . " He looked up at Johnny with his head resting against the cool glass of the window . His gaze directed at the pile up , at the broken out window . His hands rested in his lap . His pant leg was torn and the fabric reddened by the blood that seeped from the cut beneath . Scotty handed Jeff a yellow blanket . " HHere kid can you wrap that over his shoulders ? " " Is he all right ? " Jeff asked as he ripped the plastic from the blanket . " He will be . Just needs a minute . First time is always rough . " Scotty smiled up at Johnny . " Must have been rough in there huh Boot ? " Johnny 's stopped in his tracks and turned back to look at Johnny . " What 's that Boot ? " He wanted to be sure he 'd heard correctly . All he got was an almost imperceptible nod . He met Jeff 's gaze and they knew this was not the first time Johnny had faced death . " Okay Johnny , I have to get back out there . " Jeff patted his shoulder . " See ya back at the station . " He felt the shivering as he squeezed Johnny 's shoulder and then Johnny coughed . Scotty walked over beside Captain Jones . " How 's he doing ? " Cap glanced at the engine . " I think he 's sicker than he 's admitting , at least he is now . " Scotty scratched his temple . He 's got a cut on his knee , and he 's still coughing . " " Okay , we 'll get him checked out . Thanks Scotty . " " Sure Cap , no problem . " " Let 's get this stuff packed up and get out of this rain before we all get sick . " Cap smiled at his friend . Before Tony left in the squad to follow the ambulance with the last victim to Rampart , Cap called him over . " Tony I need you check on Gage . He seems to have cut his knee while crawling out after finding the Code F . " Tony looked over at the engine and saw Johnny leaning against the window . " Yes sir . " Johnny of the woman 's hollow stare , and he drifted to sleep . Hearing someone calling his name startled him awake . " Johnny , Cap wants me to look at your knee . " Tony shook him a little to wake him up . " Okay . " He yawned . He felt tired and stiff . He pulled the blanket off his shoulders , wadded it up and dropped it to the floor beside his seat . Tony pulled back the torn fabric and whistled . " Well you really did a number on it , but I think we can patch it up without having to get stitches . I 'll just put some antibiotic cream on it and bandage it up for you . " Johnny looked back out the window and noticed that the cars had all been moved . The last tow truck was pulling away . " There you go . " Tony stood and patted him on the shoulder . " Well I have to get over to Rampart to pick up Joe . You okay now ? " Johnny nodded and tried unsuccessfully to hold back another yawn . " Well Tony , will he live ? " Scotty poked his head in and looked up at Johnny . " Shut aboard . " Hey Gage , you don 't have to put up with him . " Johnny gave a small smile and leaned back against his seat . " I 'm okay . Let 's go . " " Um excuse me , but I think that 's my line . " Captain Jones also climbed aboard . " So Engineer Scott , do what the man said . Let 's go . " He waved out the front windshield . Tony stepped down from the engine and waved as he walked over to the squad and returned the first aid kit to the compartment . Scotty location . It was a freestanding garage with an upstairs apartment . Captain Jones quickly directed his crews to work at getting it under control . His squad was still unavailable , but someone needed to check the apartment to be sure no one was up there . " Bill , you and Gage do a quick sweep of the apartment . Make it fast . There could be a car or gas cans in the garage . " Bill and Johnny put on their SCBA and ran for the stairs that led up the outside of the two - story structure . Flames shot out of the window beside the stairs and licked at their turnouts as they ran by . Smoke billowed out of the cracks around the overhead door . The ladder truck raised the lengths of white ladder up above the roof and men pulled hoses up directing the stream of water across the roof offering what protection they could to the nearby house , while crews from the other engines took on the ground attack from all sides . Once they reached the top of the stairs Bill pulled out his pry tool , felt the door for heat , checked the doorknob to see if it was locked and since it was , wedged the tool in between the door and the door facing prying open the lock . He stepped back and watched as Johnny finished opening the door with a shoulder shove . Inside the smoke was so thick that they had to feel their way around the small apartment . Suddenly they heard the HT come to life and Captain Jones ordering them out . The tenant had been located . The two men ran for the door and bounded down the steps just in time . They could hear the tires on the car inside the garage bursting . Everyone knew the gas tank would be next if they didn 't get it out right away . They before they got a break . Since everyone had been out on calls all morning , they decided that hot dogs would be the quickest meal they could make . Chips and sodas were spread out on the table along with buns and condiments . Some men ate while others showered . Then the second group ate while the others got cleaned up . Luckily , they were able to finish their meal before being toned out to another accident on at the station was more than ready to climb wearily into their bunks . Hamburgers had been the meal for dinner , and as soon as everyone finished eating and the dishes cleaned , Captain Jones ordered lights out . As predicted that morning , it had been a very long and busy rainy day . The tones kept them running through the night . A trash fire and an electrical short that sparked a fire at a factory during the night shift kept them up most of the night . The next morning the tones woke them from a deep slumber . The closer it came to shift change the more on edge everyone became . They were really hoping they wouldn 't get a call right before they turned the station over to the next shift . Nine times out of ten when that happened , they could count on putting in at least one hour of overtime , but today luck was on their side . It was still misting rain when their shift ended . Johnny pulled on his jean jacket and turned the collar up to try and keep some of the dampness out . He hoped to get home before there was another downpour . He stopped in his tracks as he walked out the back door to the station and saw the flat tire on his bike . His mouth fell open . Walking deliberately across the lot , he scanned the tire as he approached . A nail , buried deep in the top of the tire caught his eye . He ran a finger over the thin offending rod that protruded from the airless tire . He ran his hand through his hair , turned and walked away , not looking at anyone , not acknowledging the calls Scotty made for him to wait . He rounded the building and quickened his pace . He knew in his gut that he had not picked up a nail on the way to work the day before . This was deliberate , and he bet he could guess who had done it . The bus stop was just a couple of blocks down the street and around the corner . He water over his already wet tennis shoes . He quickly boarded , stopping at the top step he dug into his pockets trying to find enough money to deposit into the slot to get him close to his apartment . He would still have to walk a few blocks , but it would get him there and at least he was out of the rain for now . A group of housekeepers sat in a huddle near the back of the bus laughing and sharing stories about the people they work for . A seedy looking man with dirty clothes and nappy unwashed hair sat beside the emergency exit nervously tapping his foot as though he expected something bad to happen . His eyes darted from person to person trying not to miss anything ; his hands fidgeted constantly . A young woman and her two small kids huddled together in the seat directly behind the driver . He sighed and slid down in the hard plastic seat across from them and stared out the dirty window . He wrinkled his nose at the smell of diesel fuel mixed with the dank odor of the extremely large bus driver . Maybe he would just get off at the next stop and walk home . At least then , he could breathe . His attention drifted to the noises coming from the front of the bus . The burly man behind the large steering wheel maneuvered the bus back into the street and weaved his way through the morning traffic toward the next stop . He grunted and hissed with every movement of the wheel . No wonder he smelled so bad , driving that bus was probably quite a workout slick seat and landed hard on his rump in the aisle . Johnny reached down and helped him back up onto the seat . The mother smiled her thanks , and he turned back to the passing scenery . His stomach felt queasy and his head ached . He planned to get a hot shower , climb straight into his bed and stay there for the next two days until he had to be back on duty . He didn 't have any way to get around anyway . The tire would have to wait until payday to be repaired . He 'd spent the last of his savings on the meager groceries he bought the day he graduated from the academy , and on the full tank of gas for the bike . Well it wouldn 't be the first time he 'd had to walk . _ Chapter NineScotty walked over to Johnny 's bike and looked at the nail sticking out of the tire . ' Pranks are one thing , but this was downright cruel . ' He turned and walked quickly back inside and through the bay to the front of the building . ' I 'll offer him a ride to get the tire fixed . ' He went all the way to the curb and looked down the street in both directions . The misty rain continued to fall against his face . He squinted through the haze it created and saw Johnny just as the bus pulled up to the stop sloshing water over Johnny 's feet . ' It just isn 't your day is it Boot ? ' him over the rumble of the worn out diesel engine of the dilapidated bus . He turned and reentered the station going directly to the Captain 's office . " Cap , have you got a minute ? " Captain Jones could tell by his Engineer 's tense body language that something was bothering him . " Sure Scotty . What 's up ? " " I have something I would like to show you . " He turned and Captain Jones followed him through the bay , out into the back lot and up beside Johnny 's bike . Scotty pointed to the nail . " I don 't remember that being there when he came in the other day . Do you ? " Captain Jones whistled softly . " No , I don 't believe I remember that either . Where is Gage ? " Scotty pointed toward the street . " Just got on the bus . " " Why didn 't he do anything about the tire ? " " I 'm not sure Cap , but my guess is that he was just too angry right now . " Scotty scratched his head . " Unless … " " Unless ? " Cap looked at his friend . " Unless what ? " " I don 't know Cap . I just remember how broke I was when I finished the academy . Do you think he might not have the money ? " " Well Scotty , there is only one way to find out and that 's to ask him . " Captain Jones turned to go back inside . " Any idea of who might have done this ? " " I have an idea , but let me do some checking first . " Scotty followed his Captain back inside . " Uh Cap could you give me Gage 's address ? " " Now Scotty , you know that is privileged information unless he shares it . " " I Jones came back out of the office and handed Scotty a slip of paper with the address on it . " Geesh Cap this is over off of S . Figueroa St . almost in West Compton . Do you think the bus goes that far ? " " Well I doubt it , but he 's a big boy Scotty . " Captain Jones chuckled at the protectiveness his Engineer had for his new Boot . " Give me a call later and let me know how it goes . " " Okay Cap . " Scotty trotted over to his truck , checked the straps holding the bike upright in the bed , and climbed inside smiling broadly . Johnny had to struggle to stay awake on the hot rocky bus ride . Every little bit the bus would hit a pothole , the bus driver would grunt , say a few swear words , struggle with the big steering wheel to keep the bus in his lane , and jar Johnny awake again . The woman with the children had been replaced with an elderly woman . She had struggled up the steps of the bus with her rickety two wheel shopping cart . Johnny couldn 't help staring at her as she boarded the bus . Each step she took up brought more of her blue hair into view . Johnny had gotten up and lifted the cart the final few steps for her . She smiled an almost toothless grin at him . The remaining few teeth she had were yellowed , and she thanked him with a voice made raspy from years of smoking . The maids still chattered in the back of the bus and the creepy man beside the emergency exit still watched everyone making Johnny even more uncomfortable . He settled back in his seat for the long ride . He knew that his ride was coming to an end when they passed W120th Street . The bus would turn off in another direction . He could get another bus if he bus slowed to a stop . Johnny stood and exited the bus . He stopped on the sidewalk , pulled his collar up against the still misting rain , stretched his neck , ducked his head and started walking . He didn 't realize the creepy man had exited the bus as well and followed behind him . Johnny 's legs were longer . He made much better time than the man , but he was able to follow a little behind . When Johnny had to stop to cross at the next intersection he would catch up to him . When Johnny stopped and waited for the light to change he felt someone sidle up beside him . He glanced over and saw the creepy guy from the bus . Then he saw the flash of a knife blade partially hidden behind the oversized coat he wore . Johnny sidestepped and held up his hands . " Whoa ya see that 's the funny thing . I don 't have any money . If I did I would have gotten on another bus out of this rain . " He stepped back again and pulled his wallet out showing the bum that it was empty . " Okay then smart guy . Give me that watch then . " He pointed with the blade . " This watch ? Okay , sure you can have this watch . I got it at the corner drugstore for five bucks . I don 't think it will get you much . Are you hungry ? I do know a guy that has a little diner up the street that will let me do some odd jobs for him like trash detail and dish washing for a keep the guy calm . The light changed and he immediately stepped off the curb . " Come on . " The disheveled man followed the tall lanky man down the wet sidewalk . Johnny bad few days . " He coughed a few times . " I started my new job . I 'm a fireman . I 've had buildings explode tossing me around , slammed in the back with a water blast , had to pull another guy out of the water , crawled into a wrecked … " He couldn 't bring himself to finish that part of his story . He looked over at the man walking with him and wondered . ' What is your story ? Why are you such a mess and living on the streets ? And what happened to you to make you so nervous ? ' a nail in my tire . That 's why I 'm walking here with you now . Oh that diner is just another couple of blocks . " The man stopped in his tracks , nodded his head and started walking again . " What 's your story ? " Johnny asked him . " No story . " The man rasped out . " Everybody has a story . " Johnny pressed on . " I said I ain 't got no story . " He yelled and leered at Johnny . " Okay , okay . " Johnny held his hands up in surrender and they walked in silence for the last two blocks . When they got to the diner Johnny opened the door to let the guy in . " Hey Jimbo ! " He called into the nearly empty diner . A burly man peeked out from a small slit of a window behind the serving counter . " Hey Johnny ! Be out in a sec . " Johnny walked over to the stools that lined the front of the counter and sat down . " Come on over . Take a load off . " He motioned to the stool next to his . " Jimbo won 't mind . I 'll tell him you 'll help me with the trash . " The man moved cautiously over and sat never taking his eyes off of Johnny . " I see you brought a friend . " Jimbo said as he came out of the kitchen . Johnny smiled broadly and shrugged . " Well he actually brought me . " He shot his eyes over toward the man 's hands tucked inside the coat . " I think he could use something warm to eat . Any chance a couple of guys could get some grub in trade for some work ? " " Well I do have a little project for you Johnny - boy . The ice maker is on the fritz again . Do you you take care of my friend here . " He slid off the stool and motioned with his hand toward the strange man . Jimbo was a retired policeman , he could see that Johnny wanted nothing more than to get away from the guy … far away , and he knew exactly how to " take care " of the man if he tried to cause any trouble . " What 'll ya have ? " " Whatever he 's having . " He shifted on the stool and shot his eyes around the room checking out the few customers in the booths that lined the windows . " Listen buddy , I don 't do this for just anyone , but Johnny 's a nice kid . He 's been down on his luck and needs a helping hand from time to time . I 'm gonna feed you , but you better leave that boy alone . You get my drift ? " Jimbo leaned over the counter and got directly in the man 's face . " I get ya . " " Okay then , Johnny usually has a triple burger , large fries and a large vanilla shake . That sound okay to you ? " " Sure , whatever . " " Then you can haul the trash and mop the kitchen , deal ? " Jimbo held out his hand to shake on it . " Yeah , deal . " The shifty man turned away from Jimbo without returning the handshake . Jimbo retreated to the kitchen to get some information from Johnny . " Hey kid , is that guy causing you trouble ? " " Nah , he wanted to take my money , but I don 't have any . " Johnny chuckled . " He looked hungry . " " Well the back . I 'll take care of him . He can haul trash and mop if he doesn 't take off first . " Jimbo patted Johnny on the back . " But you my friend need to stop picking up strays . I still can 't get that cat you brought with you the last time to leave . She 's made herself a home in my office . " He laughed as he walked over to the grill and threw a few burger patties on . " I tell ya boy you can talk your way through anything . " " Aw Jimbo , I just thought he needed to eat . That 's all . Just to eat . I 'll do some extra work for ya to make up for it . Okay ? " Johnny continued tinkering on the motor to the icemaker . After a few minutes the motor hummed to life , and Johnny stepped back grinning . He had a grease smudge across his cheek and his hands were nearly black . He closed the side panel on the machine and returned the tools to the tool box . " I 'm gonna wash up . " " Use the employee bathroom . I don 't want you out there with that guy . I 've just about got this ready for you anyway . Where 's your bike ? " " Got a flat at the station . I 'll have to fix it when I get paid . " Johnny answered from the washroom . " You need a lift ? " " Nah it 's just a few more blocks anyway . I 'll just walk . " He came back wiping his hands on some paper towels . " You missed that smudge on your cheek . " Jimbo smiled as he pointed to the grease smear . Johnny well maybe you can fix that next time you 're broke and hungry . You 're too skinny anyway . Here . " He handed Johnny his bag of food . " Now get out of here before that creep notices you 're gone . " " Thanks Jimbo . " He took the proffered bag and ducked out into the back alley . He took off at a jog to get a good way down the road before the other guy could follow him . Just in case . By the time he got to his apartment he was out of breath and coughing harshly . He fumbled in his pocket for his keys and made his way inside plopping down on his threadbare sofa without even locking the door back when he came inside . He opened the bag of food and smiled when he saw that he not only had one burger but two , and two orders of fries . ' Well thank you Jimbo ! At least now I can eat tomorrow too . ' to break away from the kind of life their parents lived , the social and political aspects of capitalism and the pain of relationships . He flipped it open to the page he had dog eared and started reading as he enjoyed his lunch . He loved to read and since he didn 't have a television set that is what he often did to pass the time when he couldn 't go up to the mountains . Scotty pulled up to the dingy old apartment building , parked his truck in the only empty spot he could find and went in search of Johnny 's apartment . He climbed the two flights of stairs and knocked on the door . ' Man I sure hope he 's home . I don 't hear a TV or stereo . ' He knocked again . Then he heard the deep raspy coughing from inside . He tried the door knob and it turned . It was unlocked . He pushed open the door and stepped into the dimly lit room . There was only a sofa , coffee table and old recliner in the room . It had no pictures . He found Johnny on the sofa curled up beneath an afghan , coughing in his sleep . He pushed the door to and went into the kitchen to see if he could find a thermometer and a glass of water or juice and some aspirin . He scooped up the trash from Johnny 's lunch as he passed the coffee table and noticed the book . In the kitchen he tossed the trash in the can and went for the refrigerator . Pulling it open he was a no thermometer . He took the juice and aspirin over to the sofa and carefully shook Johnny to wake him . Johnny woke with a start . Having almost been mugged earlier today he naturally assumed the creepy street urchin had followed him home . He bolted upright and crouched back against the far end of the sofa . " Whoa Johnny , " Scotty spoke softly to the frightened man . " I didn 't mean to scare ya . " Johnny speak . He cleared his throat and croaked out a response . " Scotty what are you doing here ? How did you get in ? " " I drove here and you left the door open . " He stood with his hands on his hips . " What 's got you so worked up anyway ? " Johnny rubbed his palms over his eyes trying to clear away the cobwebs of sleep . " I uh … I ran in to a little trouble on the way home . That 's all . " " Trouble like a nail in your tire ? " Scotty picked up the juice and bottle of Bayer and passed them to Johnny . " I couldn 't find a thermometer , but my guess is you have a fever . " " Oh that . " Johnny looked at Scotty and took the glass and bottle . " Yeah that . I have your bike downstairs . Tire 's fixed . " Johnny looked up at him with his mouth open . " What ? How ? " " Don 't worry about it . We need you at work . You can 't very well get there with a flat tire and your bike at the station , now can you ? " He smiled . " I 'll pay ya back . " Johnny ducked his head . " You 'll do no such of a thing . What you will do is take some of that aspirin , get a hot shower and try to get some rest . I expect you to be better when you come back on shift . " He turned to leave . " Oh and don 't forget to thank Captain Jones . He paid half . " Johnny looked up and once again his mouth was open in shock . " You 're kiddin ' me right ? " " Nope , so you gonna just sit there or are you gonna come help me get it off my truck ? " " Oh yeah … yeah sure " Johnny got up and followed Scotty out the door and down the stairs to unload his motorcycle . Once they had the bike unloaded and Johnny had it locked up , they returned to his apartment . " Listen Scotty I really appreciate what you guys did and bringing me the bike , but … uh , I have to ask why … why would Cap do that ? Why did you ? " " Listen kid when I first started with the department I had a guy that helped me out . I was just as hard up as it looks like you are . He took me under his wing and taught me how to be a good fireman and then engineer . He loaned me money when I needed it , and then wouldn 't let me pay him back . You are a part of a brotherhood my friend , a brotherhood that will have your back whenever you need them too . " " Yeah well I guess it 's a brotherhood for most guys . So far I feel kind of like the odd man out . " " That 'll pass . Besides when Cap finds out who put that nail in your tire heads will roll . " Johnny looked wide eyed at Scotty . " No , I don 't want that . It … I probably picked it up on the way to work . " He looked down at his hands and picked at his cuticle . " No you did not . Stationhouse pranks are one thing , but that was not cool . Whoever did that needs to be reprimanded and maybe even washed out of the program . " Johnny stood up . " No , not washed out because of me . If they can 't do the job then okay , but I don 't want anyone washed out for picking on me . " " Johnny , that man who helped me out when I was a Boot was Captain Jones . He was engineer at the time . He 's my boss , but he 's my best friend too . He will not stand by and let someone do damage to someone else 's personal things . You shouldn 't have to put up with that , and I will not stand by and let it happen . Okay ? " " Can I ask you something ? " Johnny waited until he saw Scotty 's approval . " How did you find me ? " " Uh … I can 't reveal my sources . " Scotty nodded at Johnny . " Just know that I had to have the address to return your bike . He did what he had to do . " Johnny 's eyebrows raised in understanding . " Oh . Well I guess you 'll have to tell him thanks for that too . " Scotty chuckled . " I 'll tell him . Do you need anything else Johnny ? You look a little pale . " " I 'm good . Just a cold . I get them all the time . I just need to get some sleep . " He yawned . " Well don 't let me stop you , but you really should get a hot shower first and try the bed . It 's probably a lot more comfortable . " Scotty opened the door . " Hey Scotty , I mean it man , thanks a lot . I don 't think I want to take the bus again . I almost got mugged today . " Scotty looked up at his new friend with alarm on his face . " I said almost . I talked my way out of it somehow , but I don 't want to run into that guy anytime soon . " " Johnny firefighting is a very physically demanding job . " Scotty reached in his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper . " Here 's my number . Call me tomorrow if you need to get checked out at Rampart . You don 't need to get pneumonia . " " Thanks . " " No problem kid . I 'm just looking out for my new trainee . " He waved as he left . Johnny got up and pushed the door closed and locked the deadbolt . One unexpected visitor was enough for one day . He trudged down the short hall to the one bedroom and bath . Stripped out of his clothes and got into a hot shower . After his shower he climbed in the bed and fell fast asleep . When he awoke the next morning he felt stiff and achy . His cough was worse , and he could barely speak . He didn 't want to call Scotty , so he decided to take himself to the hospital and see if the nice lady that he met before was working . He knew she would take care of |
Because of my yoga class that I 've been going to , I can now do a full back bend ! The first time I tried it ( about 6 weeks ago ) I could only get my hips off the ground . My shoulder and head were another story all together . They seemed glued to the floor . My arms just didn 't have the strength to push up and I was sure that my back would never be able to arch in such an unnatural position . Miracles do happen my friend ! In my last class I was on the floor in the bridge position ready to push up into nothing because it has never happened , when low and behold I raised my body , arched my back and realized that I was in a full back bend ! Outbursts of joy are generally not done in a dimly lit yoga class , but believe me , every one knew what I had accomplished in that exact moment . My puny appendages are getting some muscle and the rest of me is getting bendy ! I love it ! Posted by One of my weird quirks is that I prefer to have my toilet lids completely lowered when not in use . Something about walking into a bathroom and seeing right into the toilet seems so wrong to me . My kids close the lids out of habit just because I 've always had them do it since they first learned to use the toilet . Sometimes when the kids have friends over , the friend will use the toilet and leave the lid or lids ( depending on boy or girl ) up . It drives me crazy ! My other quirk is that I prefer the toilet paper to roll over the top , not underneath . What about you ? Is there anything strange that you do ? I went back because my husband and kids were there , but why didn 't I take them with me in the first place ? I don 't really have an answer for that other than , you just had to be there . When I got back my husband was sitting on the couch with a look on his face I will never forget . " What the HELL ? " pretty much sums it up . At this point , Annabelle grabbed me by the hand and declared that it was time to do something about my ankle . She led me upstairs and into her bathroom . Pointing to the soaking tub she said " Get in and I will fix your ankle for you . " " Yes , I 'll hold the baby while you get undressed . She can get in too if you 'd like . Then I 'll massage your ankle and get the swelling down . You 'll feel much better . " " Even though a bath sounds wonderful and all , I 'm not getting in . I don 't know you and I don 't have clothes to change into or even underwear for that matter . I 'm going home now . " She really said that . No lie . At this point it was probably 11 at night . I was exhausted , my baby was exhausted and my thinking was getting worse by the minute . I don 't remember how , but I made my way back downstairs to my husband and whispered that we should get the kids and go . As we were talking about what to do , she comes in and says " I 'll show you to your room . If you hear crying in the night please ignore it . I sleep on a mattress in my sons room . " I didn 't even know she had a son until that very moment . Once again I don 't know what came over me . I followed her upstairs to the room we would sleep in . I still hadn 't really had a chance to talk to my husband about everything that was going on because whenever I tried she managed to stop it . The bed in our room looked like it had come right out of the princess and the pea fairy tale . It was so tall , even the step stool wasn 't enough to get in . My husband gave me a shove , and climbed up next to me . The mattress , if that 's what it really was , was so soft and fluffy it was like laying on top of all of the filling from all of the pillows in a pillow factory at one time . We sunk right in . We both lay there silent for a long time . Then I started laughing . That 's when I told him about her bursting in our home and taking me and our baby on the longest car ride to her house . I told him about the spots , the tub and the underwear . He started laughing . " I thought you knew her . Like she was some kind of long lost friend or something . I couldn 't figure out what you were doing , but I wasn 't going to say anything . You seemed so determined to do whatever she said . " " What ! Oh well , I guess you 're right . It 's like she has mind control or something . I didn 't know what to do , you were gone when she came and I thought that the Relief Society had sent her . I thought it was a strange welcome , but that 's why I went with her in the first place . I kinda don 't think they had anything to do with this do you ? " " I just thought that we are here in this wackos house , that you by the way got us into , and I 'm just picturing her coming in here when we are asleep with a pick axe . All I can think of is Jason from that movie . Stab , Stab , Stab ! " " Me ? Oh no , it isn 't me , I assure you . And what 's the deal with her husband ? He doesn 't talk . He 's probably scared of her too . " I started laughing so hard . He was right ! We were in the home of someone who was really messed up . In the morning I got our things together as quickly as I could . I grabbed my sleepy kids and we headed down the stairs for our escape . Only thing is , she was waiting for us ! The table was set again in her fanciest finery . She had made waffles , pancakes , muffins , french toast and juice . My kids were starving and made a beeline for the table . She started dishing up before we could say a word . Once again , I sat down defeated . She began to tell my son all about her plans for us . She told him about the play , the dance recital and all of the goodies that would be there . She pulled out a calendar and began going day by day , week by week all of the things we would do . My sons eyes grew bigger and bigger . The last thing she told him was , " The Saturday after Thanksgiving I am taking you to the mountains . I have purchased our tags for our Christmas trees . We will chop down our trees and bring them back here . We will have hot chocolate with marshmallows . Then we will string popcorn and cranberries . " While saying all of this to my son not only had she gotten his breakfast for him , she had pulled out all of her candy jars for him to choose a treat from . It was like watching the old woman who lived in gingerbread house in the woods . I had had enough . I stood up and told my kids to go out and get in the car . " But I haven 't eaten my pancakes mom " my son said innocently . " I don 't care . Grab your sisters hand and go now . " " No , it isn 't possible . I haven 't unpacked your house yet , and I haven 't finished going through your calendar , you aren 't leaving . " she said in her still very robotic voice . " We are going home now . We are unpacking OUR house by ourselves . We are not coming to a play or a dance recital . We are not having Halloween and Thanksgiving here . And I am most certainly not taking my new baby into the mountains , traipsing through the snow to chop down a tree . " All of my frustration had boiled to the surface . Her husband was staring at us , but still had not uttered a word . I grabbed the diaper bag and followed my family to the front door . My son looks at me and says " Mom , she is real nice . " My son looked at me with disbelief and said very loudly " She 's not crazy mom ! " Annabelle looked right at me . I looked at her and turned to go out the door . While walking to our car I remembered our pizza that her husband had picked up at our house the night before . Turning to my husband I asked him to go get our pizza so we could have it for lunch . He said to forget it . I told him to go back and tell her husband to get our pizza and not to come to the car without it . He knew I was losing it so he ran and got it for me . Getting in the car he asked , " Why did you want the pizza so bad ? We could order another one ? " We got home and not too long after there was a knock on the door . I thought for sure it was Annabelle . Instead , a nice looking woman introduced herself and asked if she could speak to me . It turns out that she was the Relief Society President from our church . My sisters friend that I had left a message for the night before contacted her and told her that Annabelle had taken us . She sat down and told us that she owed us an apology and explained that Annabelle had recently gotten out of a mental hospital , but was still heavily medicated and one of her issues was fixating on something . She had overheard some people at church mention that a family was moving into the house down the street from her and right then and there we became her fixation . The people from our church figured this out , so they told her that we were coming a month later than we really were thinking this would prevent her from barging in on us during our move . Annabelle is smart though and watched for the moving trucks . The Relief Society President told me not to open the door when Annabelle came over and to not give her our phone number . She said she knew it sounded mean , but it was the only way to get Annabelle to forget about us . I told her the whole story and she felt really bad . She said to not be surprised if Annabelle would peek in our windows when we didn 't answer the door . She told us that we had to be firm and hold our ground . As far as knowing our house " intimately " it was true . She had been in the house when the previous owners rented it out and had barged in a few times on them . We had a few more run ins with Annabelle , but eventually she left us alone . About 2 years after moving in I had another very funny incident with her that I will share another time . But there it is , with a few things left out here and there , the time I was kidnapped . I laugh at myself when I think about it now . It was a crazy time for sure . I do feel bad for Annabelle and her family and I learned to have a lot of respect for her husband . He was staying with her , The Novelist Once I was in the car , I was very confused . You see , in my church there is an organization called the Relief Society . It consists of the adult women in our church . The purpose of the Relief Society is to aid , support and care for anyone in need . Sometimes when people move , the Relief Society will organize dinners for those leaving and for those coming . I thought in my head at this time that perhaps the Relief Society had arranged for this woman to come and help me . Her kind of help was very bizarre to say the least , but I went with her . As we started to drive away I said " Wait ! My husband won 't know where I am ! I have no way of getting a hold of him and he will be very worried when he gets back . I also ordered a pizza ! I can 't just leave and not pay for it ! " " But , I don 't want to leave the pizza on the doorstep ! That will be lunch for tomorrow if nothing else . It would be ruined , dogs would get into it . Please , take me back . This is getting a little too weird for me . " " Nonsense . I will be feeding you . You just had a baby . You are in no condition to put a house together . You are staying with me for at least a month . I will go down each day to your home and unpack one box for you . It will be perfect . You will then move into a perfectly organized home . " She said with a robotic like voice . " No , that 's not going to fly with me . We really just need to get our kids settled . They have been in limbo long enough . Please take me home . " I should have screamed this at her , but no , I said it in the wimpiest voice I could muster . The way this woman spoke , it was hard to describe , but I knew that she was not going to bend or deviate from her agenda . I wasn 't quite sure what to do now . Especially since I was in her car . Her husband still had not said a word at this point . After driving for a while Annabelle ( again , not her real name ) spoke again . " Thursday I will be putting on a puppet / magic show . Admittance is free , but licorice whips are 10 cents a piece . Lateness will not be tolerated and I will have to turn those who are not on time away . You will be there at 10 am sharp . That shouldn 't be a problem since you will be staying in my home . " I looked at her , waiting for her to bust up laughing . Who talks like that ? " Friday I will be putting on a dance performance . Again , admittance will be free , but popcorn will be 25 cents . I have made enough flyers for the whole neighborhood announcing my performances . You will help me deliver them in the morning . " She handed me a flyer . She was serious . " I really don 't think I 'll be able to help you tomorrow . I have a really bad sprained ankle . " I pointed to my ankle . She looked and her eyes narrowed . After driving around for what seemed like an eternity we got to their house . When we walked into the front I could see what would be the living and formal dining rooms . They were void of furniture , but all over the carpet where these strange looking spots . Tons of them ! Every few inches was a spot and I had to maneuver carefully to avoid them . When we walked into the kitchen , her dining table was set for a Thanksgiving feast ; tablecloth , goblets , linen napkins , a centerpiece and enough food to feed an army . " Wow , you have really been working today ! " She pushed me into my chair , dished up my plate and sat across the table . Her husband was nowhere to be seen . I noticed she wasn 't dishing up for herself . " Um , are you not going to eat ? " " No ! This is for you and your family . " She looked at me like I should have already known . I ate while she stared at me . It was uncomfortable to say the least . I decided to ask her about the spots on the carpet . It was totally rude , but if you saw them you would have asked as well . " My cat . My cat has been sick and I clean up her mess with a paper towel . It leaves these spots and I don 't know what to do . " She said in her calm robotic voice . I started to dry heave . I casually slid my plate away and told her that I was full and that I really wanted to go home . " How could you possibly get home ? You don 't have a car with you . " " What ! Down the street ? She drove me around for at least 20 minutes ! " My husband and kids were escorted to the table where Annabelle dished up heaping plates of food . " Don 't eat it ! " I mouthed to my husband . He looked at me very confused , but followed my urging and said " Oh , we just ate at the house we came from , thank you though . " At this point , without thinking , I asked my husband for the car keys , ran out of the house and drove down the street to my house . I was so mad ! We were a short walk away ! I ran into the home to call the one person from our church that I had talked to a few times . My sister had known her in Texas and asked her to look for me when I moved to Oregon . She wasn 't home , a babysitter answered . I told her to please tell Kymberlee where I was and that I was in some sort of trouble . Still not thinking clearly , I grabbed some more diapers and went back ! When I think about this story I can 't for the life of me figure out why I didn 't grab my husband and kids and run out the door as soon as he got there . No , I went back . Before you get too excited about the title I need to clarify one thing . Yes it is true , I found myself kidnapped at one point in my life , but I was not a kid and it was not by a gross man wanting to do gross things ! This is more of a " I can 't believe that really happened to you ! Even more , I can 't believe you let that happen to you ! " kind of a story . Because it is such a long story , I am going to break it down over a few posts . We 'll see how many it takes . 3 weeks after having my third child , my husband and I took our family on one of my favorite adventures . We moved to Oregon . We didn 't know a soul , but we were excited . We stayed in a rented condo for a month while we looked for and purchased our home . I had found a home that would be perfect for us . The neighborhood was clean and nice . There were kids everywhere for my kids to play with . But best of all , I could finally feel the end of a whirlwind in sight . Keep in mind I had just sold and packed up a house while pregnant and moved with a newborn . I was ready for some stability . We hadn 't been sure exactly how long we would be in the condo looking for our new home , but I had only unpacked the bare minimum and had the moving company deliver a futon , our mattresses , some kitchen items and a box of toys , keeping the rest in storage . We told our kids that it was going to be like camping , and believe me it was . When the weekend of our final move into our home arrived I was filled with excitement . Packing everything up as quickly as I could , I started running boxes down 3 flights of stairs to the U - haul we had rented . On one of my last trips down the stairs I missed a step and royally twisted my ankle . It swelled immediately and was so painful to step on that I had to hop along to get anywhere . The thought of taking time to go to the doctor to have it looked at sounded more painful to me . All I wanted was to be in our home , get us unpacked and sit down for once . I decided it could wait . Before our move , we had phoned some people from our church to let them know that we would be moving into the area . A few of the men offered to help us move our few things that the moving company hadn 't kept , from the condo into our home . We were so relieved . Especially since I had rendered myself useless . But we eventually got there and I was just in time for the moving company to arrive with the rest of our things . One of the men who helped us move from the condo invited my husband and kids over to his house for pizza and to watch a football game . Even though I was exhausted , I was thrilled with this idea . It left me and my new baby alone to unpack the kitchen without any interruptions . My husband worried about leaving me behind , but I assured him that I was perfectly fine and I would be very careful of my ankle . He left with my two oldest , I put my baby in the swing , and began to dig us out when the weirdest thing happened . . . . A woman came barging in our front door shaking her hands and screaming " It 's OK ! It 's OK ! I belong to your church ! " I looked at her with some confusion . She was breathless at this point from her obviously over excited state . " My name is Annabelle ! ( changed for privacy of course ) You have to come with me now ! I have been waiting all day ! " She still yelled excitedly at me . She looked at me like I was off my rocker . " I have been waiting ! And now my chicken is burning ! You must come with me now ! " " You don 't need to worry . I know your house INTIMATELY ! I have been through it many times . " She grabs my hand , drags me towards the door and says " We really need to go now or your dinner will be ruined ! " " But my baby ! " I pointed to the swing . I watched in a dazed horror as she grabbed my diaper bag , and put the baby in the car seat . Before I could think through all that was happening she was pushing me into her car . Her husband was in the drivers seat and didn 't say anything . He wouldn 't even look at me . Guess what ! I have lost 11 pounds and I have been exercising consistently . This morning I ran 5 miles and shaved 6 minutes off of my running time . Yeah . What can I say . I have been a single mom . On the bright side though , I will now have a very hands on spouse so I can really get down to business ! Today I discovered the power of lemons ! My son , that I adore in every way , is almost always very helpful . However , there is one request of mine that he just can 't seem to follow through on . It is using the squeegee in the shower . Because of this , the glass doors on his shower have been coated with hard water spots that have been a thorn in my side . I kept telling myself that I shouldn 't make a big deal about it , he won 't live with me forever , but today I just couldn 't stand it anymore . I have tried things in the past to get the nasty spots off , but until now and short of using the sort of chemicals that would require a hazmat suit , nothing has really done the trick . I googled about my dilemma and found a suggestion to scrub the glass with a lemon that has been cut in half . To make it extra powerful , sprinkle some salt on the cut surface of lemon . I decided to give it a try . I went strait for the good stuff and used the salt combo from the get go . After I finished scrubbing , I let it sit for a few minutes , gave it a once over again and then rinsed . The article is about the books that are the most complained about by parents . Stephenie Meyer 's Twilight is number 5 on the list . The other books on the list were Catcher In The Rye , To Kill a Mockingbird , The Color Purple , IM ( I have not read ) , etc . ( See article for complete list ) First , make sure that whatever book your child / teen is reading is age appropriate . Some books simply have too mature a theme for the advanced younger readers . There are books out there that will challenge them , but are still appropriate . Seek them out and be a big part of talking to them about the content . Second , I say kudos to Stephenie Meyer . Though her books are not literary masterpieces , she sparked a whole new love of reading in people who otherwise would not have picked up a book for pure enjoyment purposes . I have 2 friends who had not read a book on purpose since high school , but after being convinced to read Twilight they are now book nerds , constantly reading anything they can get their hands on . Would I let my 8 and 12 year old daughters read this book ? Not yet , but when they are older , absolutely . ( I tend to try for innocence as long as possible ) Third , see my first point ! Educate yourself about the content of books . Read with your kids . My daughter and I are constantly reading the same books . Usually I read the book first and then make my decision . My son who is older comes to me about every other week looking for something that I would suggest . He has read Tom Sawyer , The Count Of Monte Cristo , To Kill A Mockingbird , The Golden Compass series , Les Miserable and so on , all on my recommendation . Help your child find something you think is appropriate . But remember that what you think is appropriate may or may not coincide with another parents view on the same book . There is nothing wrong with that ! I just had to get that off my chest . I love April 15th ! For me it is one of the most anticipated days of the year . I am serious ! It comes not too far behind Christmas , Halloween and April Fools day . Why ? I get my husband back every year on April 15th ! He is a tax accountant and come January of every year we see less and less of him . He is gone from 6 in the morning until 11 or 12 at night and often until the wee hours of the morning . He even spends the night on occasion . This happens Monday through Saturday and sometimes Sunday . My kids don 't see him unless they happen to wake up in the middle of the night . The older kids know that he comes home at night but my younger two have asked where he flew to . I wasn 't going to share this part of the First Kiss story , but I changed my mind . I have been the cause and the recipient of many a broken heart . Of the two , it feels so much worse to be the one getting your heart broken . That darling young man who treated me so well and gave me a first kiss to remember , well . . . . . I broke his heart . What can I say ? I was only 15 . We spent part of a school year and most of a summer falling in love . Only for him it meant so much more than it ever did for me . My first love didn 't come until later , ( that is another story for another time and I definitely got my heart broken ! ) but I am fairly certain that he thought I was his . He was so thoughtful . Sometimes he would show up with a delicate gold necklace and other times with a single flower . He opened my doors , cheered me on with pride in my adventures and was very respectful in the way he spoke to me . The problem was , he graduated and I didn 't . He left and I was still 15 turning 16 . He wrote letters expressing his love and future plans he had for us . I pulled back . He called and talked of " when " . I pulled back even more . After a while of this I received a package in the mail from him . Every photo of me or us together , every token , ticket stub , gift , letter and note that I had ever given him was in that package . There was no written message from him , but the message was very clear . I broke his heart and he needed to rid himself of every reminder of me . Thinking back I really respect him for the way he handled it . He never tried to beg me back or say mean hurtful things which I probably deserved . He just bowed out like the gentleman he had always been . I felt bad then , but I feel worse now when I think about it because I could have given him much more respect than I did . I could have told him that I was too young for the kinds of promises he wanted from me . Instead I pulled back . I am proud of myself about one thing though . I never told him I loved him . That sounds strange , I know , but there is only one man that I have ever said those words to besides my dad and I married him . Now don 't get me wrong , I liked him , a lot , and I told him that . I just didn 't feel that I could say that I loved him . I 've never used that phrase frivolously , partly because I 've always had a hard time expressing myself and partly because to me it is something so special that it can 't be used just anywhere . So , know that if you ever hear me say " I love you " , I really mean it . Posted by On the way home from the gym this morning , my friend and I ended up talking about first kisses . This , because my son has been asking me about kissing girls , when he should and what to expect . ( I love that he will talk to me about it ! ) My friend told me about her tragic first kiss . She was at a dance and her boyfriends friends planned the whole thing . They had arranged for a car to be in the parking lot and sent her out to meet him in the car . Awkard ! ! ! She said it all felt forced , embarrassing and not at all nice to remember . I felt bad for her because mine * sigh * was out of this world . I was a 15 year old Sophomore and he was an 18 year old senior . ( That makes for the best combination ever if you ask me ! He knew what he was doing and I was glad ! ) I was quite the ugly duckling growing up , but something magical happened the summer before my sophomore year . The braces came off , my hair had grown down my back from the gross perm that forced me to cut it very short , the acne was gone and I no longer tripped over myself everywhere I went . The boys started to notice me , but I was still oblivious to it . The attention I mean , not the boys . I had had a crush on this boy or that since fifth grade , but they never noticed me back until that wonderful year , so I didn 't really know what it was that they were all doing until someone pointed it out to me . I got asked to homecoming by a boy that I didn 't know at all , but I was thrilled . My dress was pink and I couldn 't wait to wear it . I was in the bathroom in a t - shirt and cut off shorts , getting ready for the big night . My hair was up in hot rollers all over my head and while standing tip toed I applied the finishing touches to my lipgloss . That was when my brother and his friends came rushing in to start getting ready for their dates . One of his friends in particular started to tease me about the rollers and chased me around a bit trying to get a rise out of me . I didn 't really care that they saw me like that , I had known them all so long . The dance was fine but I didn 't ever go out with that boy again . Let 's just say that this friend of my brother 's took over very quickly after that night in the bathroom . He was so good to me . After a couple of dates he walked me to my door , smiled , tilted his head down and kissed me . Simply that . No awkward pause , no awkward where do I put my hands and arms type of thing . He just bent down , kissed me and said good night . Oh was I on cloud nine ! ! ! A few weeks later we were at a friends house in the basement trying to figure out a show to watch when our friends ran upstairs to make popcorn leaving us alone . We talked for a bit when he got a phone call . He ran upstairs to take it , but returned just a minute later . He came into the room , smiled at me , put one hand on my cheek , lifted my chin and kissed me gently . Then his lips parted , my heart pounded and I tasted the sweetness of watermelon . That beautiful boy ! I don 't know if he planned it or not , but he ate the most wonderful watermelon before coming down the stairs and to me it was the syrup of the gods ! There was no slurping or slopping , just soft and gentle kisses standing in the basement . Our friends came running down the stairs and rather that jumping away embarrassed he put his arm around my shoulders , gave me a squeeze and we spent the rest of the night doing who knows what ! I don 't remember the rest because I could think of nothing else ! I consider myself very fortunate that my first kisses were like the ones only dreamt about before they ever happened . You know the ones . They were the kind that happened in the movies and all of the girls went home at night and envisioned her first kiss to be just like the one that Blane gave Andie in Pretty In Pink or when Keith finally kisses Watts in Some Kind Of Wonderful . This week my kids are home from school . Spring break is here and that means I will have a house full of kids all week long . I think I might have to pick one of the days to be a no friends in the house at all day just to keep myself sane . Because when I say a house full of kids I mean at any given time there are anywhere between 10 to 20 kids at my house . I am not complaining , I love it , really I do ! It 's just that too much of a good thing is never a good thing ya know ! It went out yesterday and when it happened I knew exactly what the problem was because about a month ago my sister called me and told me about her dryer woes . I was so impressed because she had taken her whole dryer apart , starting with the backside , 3 times trying to get at the belt which was the problem . When it happened I knew it was the belt , it had to be . Murphy 's law is real ! ( Back to my story ) I skipped taking off the backside after remembering my sisters story and went for the front . I removed the door , the front panel and took out the drum . What a dusty mess ! ! ! ! After vacuuming the whole thing , calling my sister twice , and printing out the page from the manual I needed , I fixed the belt ! Ta Da ! ! ! It was so easy ! Then came the hard part . Putting the darn thing back together was the challenge . I will admit that I grunted a few times , said Dammit once , and probably had plumbers butt here and there . But , I got it back together just in time to put a load of wet laundry in . And guess what ! It works beautifully ! There is one thing I have to confess about this though . I have two screws leftover that I found after I got the whole thing put back together . I took the door and the front back off to check and make sure all of the holes that needed screws had them and they did . I could not for the life of me see where they needed to go . I just told myself that they probably came from under the dryer in all of the dust . My husband says that if the dryer falls apart we will know where they were supposed to go . |
The best part of Halloween in my opinion is that it means October is over . Since I was little , I have always just had bad memories that are associated with October , and because of it , I wanted to move onto something happier . This week specifically , I 'd like to move on to something a little better just because my back hurts insanely , because of a sciatic nerve problem I 've had since I started working jobs that required 8 hours of sitting a day . Seriously , I went to go get groceries today at Carrefour , and I felt like I was walking like an old man . Ridiculous . There 's no better place to start than with my time back when I was a kid as to why I am slightly bitter about Halloween . As they say , you attract more flies with sugar than honey . My mother never really knew what to do for Halloween costumes for boys . When I was a little kid , my options were pumpkin or dragon . These were hand me down costumes from my older brother . One of the most fun parts about Halloween is supposed to be choosing what you want to be . For me , the choice was already made . My sisters could always do something with what we had , like wearing one of my mother 's old bridesmaid 's dresses and be a Southern Belle , or wear a lot of jean material and be a hippie . For boys , it always seemed like it was harder . As I 've mentioned before , we lived in Cornfield Central . Because of that , our nearest neighbors were a ways away , and walking at night was scary . Our other option was to take my mother 's old car . It was a really nice muscle car back in the day . She had a 68 Firebird that she drove off the showroom floor in Defiance . Now ; however , it was 1987 and no one had rebuilt the transmission since it was bought . So when you 'd be driving the transmission bands might slip , and you 'd drop from 60 to 0 in less than a second . If the transmission didn 't kick back in , you 'd be pushing the car home . We only used it for short trips , like to church and back . We did it one year in the Firebird , and that was kind of disastrous . There weren 't a lot of young families in our neighborhood , so some of the families didn 't have candy . So we had to figure out which houses to go to . Another problem was space . A Firebird isn 't designed to hold 6 people , regardless of age . It also had no heat , and no radio . Those were stolen when a cousin had the car on the local college campus . On top of that , my youngest brother was all of 2 years old , and really didn 't want to be out that long without making a fuss . So between a young child , and nearly getting pushed off steps by one of my siblings for a snickers bar , that was the first and last year we did trick or treating . That 's not to say that my mother never tried to have fun on Halloween . When we were younger , we actually had a really fun party among the 6 of us . Since my dad worked second shift , we only had one car with a dependable transmission until 1996 . So instead of feeling sad about not being able to go trick or treating , we each got a sack of candy , dressed up in our costumes , and had pizza . It was pretty fun . I guess I just never really got into the spirit . One of the worst parts about October was that my mother always used to get really depressed during the month . She just seemed like she didn 't want to do anything , and most of the time we 'd just be curled under blankets watching Must See TV , hoping that no one would bother coming over begging for candy . I never really understood why until I remembered that my grandmother died on October 21st . My parents moved in with my grandmother back in 1981 to take care of her , and because the rent would be free . My grandmother was getting to an age where it was hard for her to get around , and she would forget things sometimes . My mother was a stay at home mom at the time , and she already had three kids . It was pretty ideal . After she had me in 1983 and my younger brother in 1985 , it started to get more complicated for her . My grandmother 's condition was worsening . She started to get more and more confused , and angry . Finally in 1987 , my grandmother passed away . It took a good 10 years for my mother to really move on from the death of my grandmother . I think much of it had to do with living in the house and seeing all of her clothes and possessions around her 24 hours a day . My parents even moved into my grandmother 's room a few months after her passing . On top of that , there were some problems with family because of the will . My grandmother wasn 't insanely rich or anything , but she had more than enough to live comfortably . It was so bad , one uncle and aunt wouldn 't come into the house for the wake . They were that ashamed of what they had done to the rest of their family . Growing up with all this bad stuff happening in October , it seems like it 's when bad stuff happens to me . I always tend to have health problems in October . I think the first breakdown I had was in October . My sophomore year of college I got a sinus infection for the first time in my life and guess which month it happened ? The first time I had really bad sciatic nerve problems was in October . I 'm also pretty sure I just lost out on another job today . It gets me coming and going . So you 'll have to understand that none of this is blaming , or whining , even though it may sound like it , but statements of fact all . I don 't actually mean to sound as crotchety as I probably do . If I 'm invited to a Halloween Party , I 'll try and find a costume and go . I 'll smile and say Happy Halloween to people , but after I 'm done , just let me go home and curl up on the coPosted by While finishing the cleaning today , as I clean every Saturday to get it the hell out of the way , I was thinking about a lot of things , and I finally had a stroke of inspiration for writing , so I think I 'll try and turn it into a full length book . If you do National Novel Writing Month , I 'll probably work on it there . If you 're around , I 'm also Tamayn there . I plan to try and make it similar to an Agatha Christie style story . There will be an overarching murder plot , but a focus on the relationship of a long lost brother whom the family despises at worst , or wants nothing to do with at best . The only grandchild will be the other focus character . Lord knows that I read them enough , and have been watching them often enough here . I still have more research to do on a certain aspect of the interesting part of the story line , but well , I 'll leave that to be found out later . If people want to see it , I 'll post what results . So I 'll start slow with this because basically all I wanted to do yesterday , and I still kind of feel like it today , is curl up in the bathtub with some cake mix . As I mentioned , I started applying for jobs here in France . I knew this would be a bit of a complicated situation . I guess I never expected to get even a response . I should really mention a problem I have . The best way I 've found to describe it is that I go up like a rocket , and come down like a stick . Outwardly , I am a bit cynical about things , but secretly I 'm already counting on success on everything I do . So when I got a response from one of the first places I applied to , I was floored ! The schedule would have been 12 hours a week . It wouldn 't have been a terrible amount , but it would have been a start . They asked me if the hours worked for me , and wanted me to respond as soon as possible . So I called the number I had been left at the bottom , and set up an appointment to speak with the people necessary . I was really excited , because this meant that I wouldn 't feel so useless here . I could contribute real money to the situation here , and we wouldn 't have to worry about next year . I was really excited . I called my sister in law and mother in law to ask them how I should approach this . I 've never been terribly confident in my actual French level , so I always feel like I 'm at a disadvantage . They said to try and keep it simple . Don 't get in over your head . Explain the situation exactly as it is . They said that given the level of the job , and that I wouldn 't be speaking with people all that much , so I should relax on that front . The one thing they said though was that this job isn 't something that would appeal to a lot of French people . Frankly people who are already on chomage make more than this job would give a month , so it 's not to their advantage to take it . I had maybe a bit more confidence with that . They said for a job like this , the most important thing was to present myself well . I just got a hair cut last week , so that was fine . I needed to shave , which I did ( even shaving against the grain with a new blade to make sure it was smooth . ) I wore dress pants and a dress shirt . I even put a sweater over the top of it , one to look even more French , and number two so that no one would notice the shirt was off white . Since the sweater was tan , the shirt looked really nice and white . I even took one of those chemises with me and a pen and paper . I don 't think I ever tried to look that French in all my life . ( I should just mention I hate shaving and never wear a sweater with a collared shirt because I get really warm easily , and I think it just looks so ridiculously Ned Flanders that I want to beat myself up . ) Digressing , I got there with about 15 minutes to spare . I had always heard it was a good idea to arrive between 10 to 15 minutes before the appointment . I spoke with the person at the Acceuil and was told that the person I was supposed to meet with was in a meeting , but someone else would be down to receive me . In a few minutes I see a person in a suit come to the desk . I assume that it 's him . He comes over and asks if he should know me . . . . . ? It 's not the right person and I 'm turning about a thousand shades of red . But I smile , excuse myself , and the woman at the acceuil explains that I 'm waiting for someone and that he 's fine . She tells me that the person I 'm going to meet with will be down in just a few minutes . The guy arrives just a little bit after , now that I 'm really embarrassed and even more nervous , it 's a match made in heaven . He 's a young guy , probably younger than me in truth , and he asks me how I 'm doing . I reply that I 'm doing fine , and we walk to the back . He asks me if I had ever worked in a store like this before , I say yes , and explain a bit . I 'm so nervous I really don 't know what to say . So I try to explain a bit , but it 's not going so great . So . Damn . Nervous . . . . . We go to an office , and he explains a bit about the job . We go over the hours , the days I 'd work , how many people would be on the team I 'd be working with , and just a few general things . I get the feeling he 's killing time until I can speak with the person I need to talk to . He asked me if the schedule would work . I say yes , not a problem . We talk a bit more , and he asks me if I can take on more hours sometimes . I say it 's fine . I try to explain the situation but I 'm still a bit tongue tied . Someone comes in and tells him that the woman I was supposed to speak with is now available . So we get up , and walk to her office . She says hello , we shake hands and she has me take a seat . She asks me how high my level of French is , and I try to stammer out a response until the guy says " small , " and she says , " oh , small . " That was it ! At that point , something just snapped in my head . Now it was a challenge . I responded with , " J ' aime penser que je peux parler très bien Française , mais j ' n sais pas . " She blinked and opened her eyes a bit wider . She smiled a bit and said , " Ah bon , je trouve que vous parlez très bien ! " I felt vindicated ! We talked a bit more . I 'd be on a CDI , but for students , at which point I had to explain about visas and such . She said that would be worked out with the person who handled that . Of course , I was to speak with her next . So I meet with her , we talk , and she says that she doesn 't know how it would work to hire me , because with my visas , it becomes more complicated . So she calls the prefecture . Of course , no one 's there until tomorrow morning , as the person who handles it only works two days per week apparently , so she 'll have to call back tomorrow , get word back , and speak with him then . I figure , ok so she 'll do that , and I 'll be working next week ok . I 'm pretty happy , I 'm telling everyone on the phone that I don 't know what will happen , but everyone seems pretty confident that it 'll work out . So I 'm pretty happy , talking with partner . He 's happy for me , and we 're a little relieved . He has to go back in for his afternoon class that day , so I walk out with him . I come back upstairs and see that I missed a call . It 's the woman who needed to call the prefecture for confirmation to let me know that with the visas I have , it would be IMPOSSIBLE ! No real explanation other than that . She said to call back if I had any questions . So just . . . . . whatever . . . . . . So I was really pissed , and just annoyed with the whole situation . I took a walk and called a few people . . . The search continues only now , I 'm just slightly less enthusiastic about the search . France is a tangle of bureaucracy , so I 'm not completely saddened by it , but I 'm just , yeah . . . . If I could just marry my partner like in the majority of European countries , I wouldn 't need 2000 euros per month with 400 dollar a month health insurance . So I 'm just done for a bit . Where 's that cake mix . . . . . . . ? I remember one of the first things I asked partner was " so since you 're from Bretagne , do you speak Breton ? " His response , naturally , was no . He told me that people don 't really speak Breton anymore . There are older people who know it or knew it . Such was the case with his grandmother . She knew and could speak Breton until she had a stroke back in the late nineties . Unfortunately neither of her children had studied the language , like I said earlier , this is a cyclical thing where people care about it and then don 't , or her grandchildren . This is how languages die out . However ; there will always be some vestiges of Breton culture . People speak a few snippets of the language , and most people know basic phrases like degemer mat for welcome , or that the Breton word for Breton is actually Breizh . These are things that people see on signs , not normally something that 's shared among family members though . The actual nuts and bolts of the language are only maintained through songs or in the names of dances , or the occasional song . This song here , for example , was popular a while back in France . The band , Matmatah , was formed in Brest , the westernmost city in Bretagne . The song itself is Lambe an dro is actually in French , but it has that very Celtic rock edge to it . You can find the lyrics here . If anything , this song actually reminds me a lot of that song " 500 Miles " by the Proclaimers or to a lesser extent " Jump Around " by House of Pain . It doesn 't have all that much to do with actual Celtic culture , but it 's more than happy to borrow from it . Breton in Brittany is more of a cultural thing now than an actual language . You will see the black and white flag and coat of arms all over the place . Also there 's a certain symbol called the triskelion in English , know as la triskell in Brittany . It 's the regional symbol , and you will see it everywhere they can stick it up . Originally , it was a sacred symbol , but now , you 'll see it on everything from a taxi service to pizza places . Another interesting thing that I remember seeing long before partner and I moved was a character called Bécassine . It 's a stereotypical creation of the old fashioned Breton woman . Her name is also used in French as slang for a fool . She was created as a caricature of Bretons in general , showing her as old fashioned . She still wears a lace coif and clogs , and usually is not drawn with a mouth . She 's kind of a classic plouc . It 's an old joke , but a lot of people say , " Bécassine ; c ' est ma cousine . " It 's actually a song written by Chantal Goya . The language still exists and there are always attempts to maintain the level of the language , but like any language , it will only stay alive so long as people speak it . I can 't say I 've ever heard it spoken , but it 's amazing to think about how this language has lasted all these years . Of course , like any language , it 's changed with the times . For example , most signs are in Breton and French in the Rennes subway system . That 's the sign of a language that can stand the test of time honestly . It has to be able to stay current with thTamayn Irraniah 1 . I saw a man lick a woman 's face , and yes , in a romantic way . This will actually be more of a rant organized to appear like a serious article . Just to let you know . 2 . I saw more Breton that I ever planned to today , and it still fascinates me , much like all Brythoic - Godelic Languages . It would be one thing if it were just at the Brittany Museum , but we 're talking about in the Subway . I . love . Rennes . so . much ! 3 . I saw a beautiful old map of Bretagne , which I will show soon when I get a chance . It has a lot of old place names on it , and well , it 's just beautiful ! 4 . The Brittany Museum is incredible . All I can say . I 'll be keeping an eye on what else they 're showing at the Champs Libre . 5 . Apparently some French CV 's require a photo . Go figure . The original reason why I didn 't know what and if I 'd be able to post was because I spent the week on the job hunt . Monday was all about getting my CV in order . Tuesday was getting help with my lettre de motivation , and then Wednesday was getting the word out . Thursday my mother in law came for a visit , and to leave a few things next week for when she goes to see her daughter for Toussaints , my sister in law 's family . Friday would be a bit more relaxed . On the docket that day was just a hair cut . Saturday and Sunday promised to be more relaxing though . Having never before written a CV , this was going to be an adventure . A resume , I could write in my sleep . I had modified my own three times in the US . I had my form for Academic use , another for sales use , and a third for clerical / office work . Each I had tuned over the years for the correct case and application , highlighting specific skills necessary for whatever I was applying . With a CV , nothing doing . You have to put everything on one form , and in less than one page . So it becomes a matter of sorting out what is necessary and not , and how to present oneself overall . There 's the additional fun of having to write it all in French . Of course in French , there is certain jargon and expressions that one uses in French , much like in English . I wrote it out as best I could in French first , and showed it to partner , who corrected it . After that , I sent it to my mother in law , who used to work in HR , and sister in law , who works in online retail . They ripped it to shreds and then told me how to do it right . Step one , complete . Tuesday I didn 't feel like fooling around , because I got the feeling that trying to translate my cover letter wasn 't going to cut it in France . There are two things that displease me about the lettre de motivation in france . The lettre de motivation has nothing to do with your skills . It 's about explaining why you were sending them the letter . I was joking with my mother in law about explaining that since I was a child and I used to play grocery store , I dreamed of working at Carrefour and arranging cans in a supermarket . The other fun comes in when you find out that if it 's not formatted exactly to French standards , they will take one look at it , assume you have no idea what you 're doing , and throw it the hell out . My mother in law showed me exactly how to write it and what needed to be included , and then sister in law tinkered with it to make it exactly what I needed . Now I just had to get up the courage to pass it out . Wednesday is partner 's long day in courses , so we had decided that I would leave with him the afternoon , pass out my CV and letter of motivation , and meet him that night by the car . That meant that I would need to take the metro . I hadn 't taken it much , mostly out of fear of getting lost . I don 't usually get lost , as I do believe myself to have an excellent sense of direction , but I didn 't want to risk anything happening . I figured maybe it would be wiser to start the morning off with the places I could walk to . So that meant that I was applying to the Netto on the corner , the Super U a little further down , and the Lidl that was just down the street a bit further . Later that afternoon , if all went well , I 'd get a day pass for the transit system and take the bus to Alma to drop off applications there , then take the bus back home . That night I 'd take the metro over to the school , trying to complete the impossible task that partner and I screwed up last time : how to get to the car from the metro . I spent the morning finding the routes I 'd need to take , and after breakfast and a shower , I was ready to drop off my CV and letter of motivation . I hit the ones close by quick , and even got my shopping done along the way . The only concern was Lidl . I 'd never actually been there , and it was supposed to be really close by . I 'd never gone though just because there were closer , and what I found to be cheaper , options . I walked up the length of the boulevard , and came to the same road the metro was on . I knew I had gone too far . So I asked someone nearby if they knew where the Lidl was , and they said that I would need to take the metro to get there . I could walk but it was a good 30 minutes then . So I decided that I 'd save that application for the afternoon before taking the bus to Alma . I come back to the house , put away the groceries , and relax a little before partner arrives for lunch . He and I eat a bit , we talk , and he goes to study . I kill a bit of time before he has to go and we leave the building together , around 5 . I headed to the metro and went two stations north , and I start asking people where the nearest Lidl is . No one knows . I finally give up and look on a map , because I had to put it in an envelope with the address on the front . I found the road , and it turns out that this particular road goes on for a while . I have no idea what to do at this point . I can go north where the road starts , or I can go south where it veers off and I have no idea how to get there . I decide I 'll go north first and see . So I go two more stations north and look around a bit . No one seems to know where the road is when I ask . I even randomly ended up asking a Russian woman . We spoke English as it was less complicated . She said she had no idea where the road was , but wished me luck . I walked a bit further down , and found the road , but no indication it was nearby . So I looked around a bit more and headed south . I went back down to the station where I started , and asked someone . He said just turn right at the real estate office , I should probably talk a little about the disaster it was trying to find the way to get from Pontchaillou to the medical campus . That day , we thought it would be a cinch to find , so partner and I had just bought the hour long metro cards . So we got the cards at about 4 : 30 , expecting to have this wrapped up in about 20 minutes tops . We wondered down past the Cardiology center , and back along the side towards town , but the buildings all started to become residential . So we found a map posted , and looked around . We couldn 't really find where we wanted to go , since it was a map of the hospital , not the medical school included . We figured if we kept going though , we 'd find it , eventually . So we came back and tried the other way . Even worse mistake , as we were almost in Villejean . So we try one more time , can 't find it , get pissed , and make it back to the metro with 3 minutes to spare on our card . Partner is now determined that he will never EVER take the metro into school . I time it all the same , and it 's about 12 minutes by metro . Truthfully , that 's about how long it takes him in the car anyway , and he only has to fill up the tank for 20 per month , so it 's less than a monthly pass anyway . This time though , I came prepared . I found out that we had taken the wrong way around . We should have gotten off at Villjean - Université , and then it 's just 800 meters to the parking lot . I find the first road I need to take , and keep on going . I am doing just fine , as we weren 't supposed to meet for another half an hour , and I didn 't want to get there too early . It 's a really nice night for a walk . The campus is beautiful all lit up , and the buildings are almost enough to make me think of when we used to take the bus back to partner 's place from campus . It 's just nice to feel independent and do what I want . I make the turn , exactly where it said it would be . The buildings are getting familiar , and I am right next to the car . I wait a few minutes and then decide I 'll surprise him and meet him a little closer up . So I move closer up I guess the most important thing is that I have conquered the Rennes transport system . I am confident I could go wherever necessary now with minimal preparation . This Wednesday I 'll head back to the center of town and drop off more CVs , Thursday mother in law will be staying the night before she catches her train south for Toussaints , so it will be good to see her again . I have to meet her at the Autogare downtown , and we 'll take the metro / bus system back . So this week should be quiet . Who knows , I may even get an extra day with partner for Toussaints ! I run upstairs and take the portable phone off the charger and shut myself in the sun porch , a room that used to be an open air porch that was closed in but never heated . No one came out there unless they wanted to put more pop in the refrigerator . Since it was around 10 at night , that was unlikely enough . Finally the phone rang . Just hearing his voice was enough to make my heart race . It was exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time . He was sweet , and funny , and everything I imagined . We talked about how strange it was to put a voice with the words . I don 't think we 'd even seen pictures of each other at that point . He was an absolute sweetheart though . That 's when my mother opened the door . She asked what I was doing out here . I told her that I was talking with someone . She looked a little confused , and asked who I was talking to . I said a friend . She said , which one . I said another time with a stern look on my face , a friend . She got the message and left . That should have been a hint right there . So we kept talking until the phone started to beep , which meant the battery was almost dead . I didn 't want the phone call to end . This was the happiest I 'd been in 19 years , and I wasn 't about to let it end because of an old portable phone . I took the phone from the living room and ran the cord across the living room and into the den , running the cord under the crack in the door . I took the phone of the switch hook and put the now dead portable phone back on the receiver in my parent 's room . I came back downstairs and we talked for another hour or so . He told me all about his life , and I about mine . I told him about hopes , fears , and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life . I just felt so at ease with him . I had never had the chance to talk with anyone else like this , ever . He was interested in me , and what I did and what I was doing . Finally , we talked about him coming to visit . I told him that it wouldn 't be a problem for me , and I could just tell my mother that he was a friend from the college where I was going , so she wouldn 't even know . He would have to stay in a hotel in town though . He and I talked more about it , but now that we could talk , we figured it might be better to wait for the planning until later , like around spring break or something . We said our goodbyes and hung up . Another thing I should mention was that the phone I had chosen was supposed to have a security function on it , where if anyone picked up the phone , the light for the line would dim . It had always worked before , and it 's specifically why I chose that phone . I even told my friend about it when he asked me if I was worried about anyone listening in . I told him I wasn 't too concerned . I was absolutely thrilled that night . I felt like I could do anything . Since I lived in the middle of nowhere , I ended up watching TV with my brothers . My mother came upstairs to say goodnight , and she made a point to tell us all that she loved us and kiss all three of us . That should have been a sign that something was up , but it was maybe just a coThis had all happened on a Friday , so on Saturday morning my father was the first awake . It took about a half an hour for him to ask me about it . He explained that yes , my mother had listened in on my phone call last night . I spent probably about an hour denying it before I finally just said , you know what . I am . I still don 't know why I spent so long denying it . I felt better afterwards though . My father had two things to say about it . First and foremost , I needed to be careful . Not only were there physical dangers , but more so there were a lot of diseased out there . ( He 's a nurse , go figure that would be his first concern . ) Second , he thought that maybe we shouldn 't say anything to Mom about it , and just say that everything was resolved . The day was pretty calm , and I was up on the computer as usual when the phone rings . " So I hear you 're gay , and you 're running away to Minnesota , never to see any of us again ! " It 's my sister . My mother had called her apparently last night , in a panic . My sister was calling back to find out how much of it my mother had embellished , she has a tendency to do that . I explained the situation as it was , and she said she figured that it was more reasonable than what my mother had decided . So everything was fine there . She said she was happy for me , and that she loved me . The last great hurdle that day was my mother . She and I talked about it though , and her biggest concern was that I was going to run away and she 'd never see me again . Just for some perspective , after living through 15 years of schooling , she thought I was going to drop out of high school a half a year before I finished to run away with some guy I 'd never met . I had already been accepted into college , so come on . Seriously . She said she loved me though , and my being gay didn 't matter to her in the least . So that 's now everything resolved nicely for me . Things haven 't been easy all the time , but I wouldn 't trade my life now for anything else . There 's more to the story , but I 'll talk about that another time . I also have some stories about subway fun , but I guess I 'll talk about that later . Posted by I thought it would be important to explain exactly where I came from to get to this point . The two most important times I came out where forced . I never got the chance to choose my moment . Frankly , I thought that one day , my parents would show up at my dorm unannounced and I 'd be in bed with a guy . Then we 'd find out everything . I guess though , things don 't always go as planned . They just kind of happen . So , here we go . After I had come out to my friend , I started to get more comfortable with who I was . I guess it took the first time for it to become a reality . Before it had always been something I had written , or something I whispered , but never anything I said out loud . Slowly though , it was all becoming a reality . Online I had developed my own life . I had a couple of very close friends , with whom I passed much of my time online . At that time , ICQ was my life line . The first was a young man from near by . He lived in Dayton and said he was in high school . He was a nice enough guy , but I always found him a little confusing . He was very progressive , which I loved , but I was always a bit thrown off by him . The pictures he sent were always a little too posed . I talked with him all throughout high school , but we just lost track of each other when I graduated , and that was the end of him . I spent a lot of time talking with another really nice guy , but he was in at Georgia Tech . He and I never talked about anything very sexual but he was there for support a lot . He was an absolute sweetheart of a guy . I always thought about what a nice guy he would be . For a long time , I wanted to emulate him . He had gone through a lot in his life , but he always seemed so open to things . I always hoped I would be able to be like him . One day we stopped talking , and I never talked with him again after my junior year of high school . There was one guy though , whom I fell absolutely in love with . He was from Minnesota . I randomly found him on an ICQ chat group , and sent him a message . He struck me as a bit cold at first , but well , having a random guy message you with , " Are you really gay ? " must be slightly off putting . I got a chance to explain myself a bit more , and we talked , and it turned out we really enjoyed and appreciated each other . He made me laugh , and vice versa . We got to be pretty good friends , but he would often disappear for months at a time , and show up again with all sorts of new things to talk about . I think what really sold me on him was how direct he was . He was gay and refused to be anything other than himself for anyone . I enjoy people who are that honest about themselves and their lives . He told me all about his life in a small town , but he moved to Minneapolis for high school and college . I was absolutely enamored with him . His life was so exciting , and he did so much stuff . It was so much unlike my own life . I wanted to experience it , even if it were indirectly . As I said , he would disappear for long spans of time . In fact , we stopped talking around the end of my sophomore year , and I got an email from him every now and again , but he pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth after that . I continued along wondering how he was for a while , but eventually I just let it go . That was until the fall of my senior year , when he and I started talking again . We picked up right where we left off and as time went by , we started taking the relationship further . He and I would talk for hours , and I could finally tell him about how things had improved , and about how I was finally going to get some independence soon . I was just so excited about everything and ready to get on with everything . I finally was feeling comfortable with who I was , and as though I didn 't have to live up to other people 's standards . One night we started talking , just about the usual stuff , nothing too impressive . While we were talking he told me that he 'd like to give me a call . He said he had a cell phone and he 'd really like to hear my voice . I thought about half a second on it and said yes . I signed off the computer , and ran to get things around for him to call . Posted by I have actually never told this story . The one I tell everyone is the story of my coming out to my family , which I consider to be the most important . However , this story is actually based on the person to whom I first came out . She was a very close friend , not the same that I mentioned earlier though . I always just tell the story as it is , but I 've never actually tried to see it from her point of view . This is my attempt , and I thought it might be more interesting as a story . The night had been very exciting as everyone piled back onto the bus after the band concert . Most of the larger bands from the area had been invited , and everyone was exhausted . This was the first time the band had been invited in probably about 10 years . Most likely it was a good will gesture . It was a relatively large band for the area . The only problem was there were much larger schools competing . Some even combined their Junior High and High School bands . Basically the whole night had been kind of a wash . The buses started up and pulled away , to make the short trip north . The times on the buses usually were the best . Sometimes there 'd be sing alongs to Bohemian Rhapsody , or someone might have an air horn handy , but no one was in a festive mood . Most people in the front were talking across the aisles to friends , discussing the disaster that was the performance . Others in the middle had started a game of euchre , hoping to at least cheer themselves up by taking a few hands solo . Further in the back , most people were curled up in blankets to protect from the November weather . Paula smiled , looking at John . They had been friends now for a while . He was not exactly a great looking guy , but they had so much in common . It had started with a few jokes after they had mentioned they both watched those Brit - coms they ran late at night on the local public TV station . It had been so long , neither could remember who had started it . Every time they passed one another in the hall though , they 'd smile at one another , the joke shared without saying a word . In the four years they had been together , they had always sent each other valentines . Never had a year gone by that they couldn 't think of a joke between them to send to each other . Often people would wonder why either one was laughing instead of getting choked up by what was sent . That was how their love worked though . They liked to make the other one laugh . Paula had been planning how to handle this for a while . The trip home would take longer than normal , since the bus couldn 't take the interstate back . John played quads , and he had a tendency to hunch forward after playing . It was impossible for John to rest completely flat against the bus seat , so he would need to lean forward against the seat . That 's when she would make her move . " So do you want to play some Diablo tonight ? " Paul asked , yawning . He was trying to get comfortable against the hard bus seat , but that was unlikely at best . He brought his head to rest against the back of the seat in front of him , folding his arms to support his forehead . John exhaled deeply and tried to stretch out his back . Paula brought her hand to rest on his shoulder . " You know , " said Paula , " if it hurts that bad , I could rub it for you . " She was losing him fast . He was going to get more and more surly as he couldn 't find a comfortable position . Paula watched him as he breathed . Four years she had waited for this moment . She thought about all the times that they had spent at each other 's houses , all of the times they had hung out for pep band , and how great it would be from then on . She imagined they 'd both go to the same college . She 'd already been accepted at Bowling Green , and he to Ohio State . It was less than 2 hours between them , and practically a straight shot on 23 . Anyway , she could transfer to be with him . Paula took a deep breath and moved closer to him , her head now resting next to his elbow . He lowered them for her so they could talk . John turned his head and smiled , and as he did , Paula moved in for a kiss . John returned his head to it 's original position and looked down at the floor . Paula wasn 't really sure what to do at this point . She thought of all her plans , and everything she had dreamed about . She thought about finally being able to have her and her mother 's suspicions confirmed . She thought about all the times she 'd imagined them sitting together watching a movie , or just TV downstairs . She had imagined what the first kiss would be like , and how it would be . Now , it all just vanished in smoke . Tears filled her eyes as she watched everything vanish before her eyes . John squirmed a bit next to her . " Good , " she thought . " I hope you 're uncomfortable . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . You were supposed to love me . We were supposed to be together forever . You never cared about me . It was all just a cruel act ! " Paula cried harder , all the bitterness coming out at once . If he refused to be with her , he should feel uncomfortable . She wondered what the last four years had been for him . Why had he even bothered to be nice to her if this was how he was going to treat her now ? She 'd seen his other girlfriends . They weren 't exactly fashion models . John turned towards her , " What 's wrong now ? " " No , it 's not that . " John was sitting straight in the seat now . " Among other things , I 'm going to be college in Columbus and you 'll be in Bowling Green . I couldn 't even make the last relationship I had work , and we were only 20 minutes apart . " " Ok , " John said . " You want to know why I don 't want to date you ? It 's because , I think . . . . . I think . . . . I think I like guys . . . . " John rubbed his temples and tried to hold back tears , and lowering his head . His forehead came to rest against the seat once again . He ran his hands through his hair and down along his neck and sighed . Paula had not been prepared for this eventuality . He had always been so open in flirting with girls , and never even showed the slightest interest in anything very feminine . He loved video games . He used to do sword fighting with his friends , and played dungeons and dragons . He had a horrible sense of style . None of this made sense . He had just been pretending all these years back in school . Paul explained that it was not that he didn 't have some feelings for girls , but never sexual feelings . It wasn 't a choice he had made , and if it were it was the worse choice to make . People weren 't exactly kind at their school to people who didn 't fit in already , but gay was something far too controversial . People might call someone gay , but no one ever seriously meant it . It was just an insult after all , like saying someone was dumb . When they arrived back at the school , they decided it would be best for each of them to go home and rest a bit . They had originally made plans to do something at Paula 's house , but neither of them felt much like doing anything . They hugged one last time in the band room when they said goodbye , and each went their separate ways . Posted by I was still unsure of how to handle things myself , but after making it through my sophomore and junior year , I was headed into my senior year , and I was ready to go . I had become more comfortable with myself , thank you internet for that , and I was almost done with the one thing that was holding me back from a real life ; high school . I knew that I was going to college , and after the research I had done , it was down to three schools . My first choice was Penn State . It was a more selective school , and it was right next door in Pennsylvania . It was going to cost some , since I wasn 't a resident , but all of my other family members had taken on massive debt for school , why not me ? I had to take the SAT to try and get in , instead of just the ACT . I applied in September to get in for early admissions . School number two was Ohio State in Columbus . It was my safety school . It was still open enrollment and it was in a city 50 times larger than the nearest town to me . Just to mention it , because it amuses me , Columbus is also around 2000 times larger than the village in which I grew up . It may be even larger , given that 500 is being generous in terms of population . I applied in September all the same , just to make sure I was in somewhere . The last one was just a wild shot in the dark ; NYU . I had always thought it would be fun to just have a radical change , but well , much like the idea of going in as an army linguist , it stayed just that . I liked the idea of a huge city , but I had read somewhere that it was easily over 30 , 000 a year . I also just didn 't think I was mature enough to really live in a huge city , much less that I could afford it . I had never been on a public bus before I went to college . I could just see it ending badly . So I didn 't even bother applying . In any case , I got word back from Penn State that I was deferred to a satellite campus , but Ohio State did everything but take me in 2001 . So my choices were to be in a pretty large town with from what I had seen on the internet , a very active gay community , or go Yes , that year was awesome , and nothing was better than finally living my dream . I came in for my morning German class at 8 : 30 , and I got to leave at 9 : 15 . I took college courses for the rest of the morning , until I came back for English class at 1pm . ( Truthfully , it was a waste of time and I should have just taken a college level English course . I learned nothing in that class . ) I went from there to Government ( another waste of time mandated by the state of Ohio , and finally band for the end of the day at 3 : 15 . I had also been working up the courage to talk with other guys . Now , we had gotten internet when I was 14 , but I had been terrified to talk with other guys . I was always worried that someday , my big secret would be revealed . I was living a double life in Defiance . During the day I was majorly geeky straight guy . But the afternoons and nights that I didn 't have band , I was majorly geeky gay guy . Quelle différence , non ? So before , I used to talk with a few guys on ICQ and I had a PlanetOut account since I was 15 . I never had a picture up , and didn 't start talking with guys on there until 2001 . It was great to talk though , and know I wasn 't the only one . Finally , spending a majority of my day at college , I could possibly meet other guys . So I set up to meet this guy who had graduated the year before me from a nearby high school and he was currently a student at the same college . He and I got along , we were both computer science majors , and he was alive . Three excellent arguments for meeting him . We said we 'd meet in the main atrium around 11 , and we 'd go have breakfast together . I was all excited , and I was nervous . 11 came , and went . No guy showed up . . . . So I guess we live and learn . I never met any other guys in person before starting college . I did make a few attempts . Nothing ever became of it . I had finally come to accept myself for who I was . However , I 'd never said it out loud . Continuing from the previous post , I was in my freshman year of high school when I came to the realization and knowledge that I was going to put my life on hold until I could actually be who I wanted to be . I decided that I 'd try to enjoy myself and see where it led . If I were going to make it through , I 'd have to find ways to amuse myself . After a few more years of trying to fit in with the same group of friends I had forever , I gave up and started hanging out with others who were more into video games and music . I was only about a million times happier ! I was also what we called at my school , a bandie . I played drums starting in the 5th grade , all through Junior High , finishing on snare drum my senior year . In 5th and 6th grade , I was the best drummer . Even in junior high I was in the top 3 . Once I hit high school though , it was very different . I was still good , and could have learned the rhythms , but drummers don 't play from sheet music . You memorize everything . The problem is , none of the upperclassmen wanted to teach me how to play . Since I wasn 't cool , there was no chance of learning from them unless they were forced to do so . The other people who played drum were not bad people I 'm sure , they were just dicks . They could play really well , but they just did everything they could to make me feel like I was less of a person than them . I wouldn 't finally enjoy myself in band until my junior year . Freshman year , I met the best friend that I have ever had . We both were kind of in the same boat , and we still have a great time today when we hang out . Usually after a football game or pep band , she 'd pick us up and we 'd all hang out over at her place . Our first time over , we played Final Fantasy VII . It was the first time I 'd ever touched the game and I never looked back after . It was so much of what I wanted , and there was Aerith . Later that same year , Final Fantasy VIII came out , and I found one Sir Laguna Loire , with whom I fell madly , yet secretly , in love . That 's pretty much when I knew there was no going back to girls . She also started my interest in all things anime and manga . Although I had watched Sailor Moon and Megaman growing up , I had never really known much about the world of anime and manga . I had watched a few episodes of Ronin Warriors too , but never understood it of course . Finally , it all came together when I saw Record of Lodoss War . Well , to be more specific , after I saw Karla and especially Orson . I started watching lots of series through another mutual friend who had a higher speed connection , and downloaded lots and lots of series for us . She and I also stood in line from 5 : 30 until midnight waiting for the release of the PS2 . We clutched them in our arms after we paid and ran out like nutcases . My best friend also inspired me to start writing my own series . If she and her boyfriend hadn 't been as big of fans of Dungeons and Dragons , and working on their own stories , I never would have gotten into it as much . Of course , part of that had to do with playing some really fun games with awesomely bad story lines . So the more I thought about it , I began writing . This was my sophomore year of high school . Without her , I don 't think I would have made it through high school . Meanwhile , school became more and more unpleasant . My best friend graduated , and went to the local college . We 'd still hang out , but it meant I would only see her the weekends from then on . If I could have just done the work and not had to deal with all of the morons , I would have been more than happy . My sophomore year of high school was a ridiculous farce as to what education should have been . That whole year of school was enough to make me want to have taken my GED , and left early . Of course , my parents had no idea what was going on , and just kept telling me the same thing ; just finish up at your high school and then you can get on with your life . Posted by So I 'm going to do something a little different than what I usually do for National Coming Out Day . I usually just tell the story that 's the most controversial and gets the most laughs , because well , it was just ridiculous how it all went down . This time , I figured I 'd break it into a few parts . This first section is everything that happened before I admitted that I was gay to myself . I 'll include a little bit of an explanation at the beginning before I get into it . I 've found that I have some time in the morning to really check things , we 're talking like between 7 and 9 : 30 am here , so I 'll try and keep up , but well , who knows . The next few posts are going to be pretty reflective . I grew up in a very small town in Northwest Ohio called Defiance . As a result of this , I came to have a lot of very specific ideas about things . Later I 'd find out it 's a problem a lot of people from small towns have . I grew up with a Catholic mother and a Methodist father . My mother was more concerned about burning in hell as a result of not raising us in her religious tradition than my father , so as a result , all five of us were baptized , did first confession , made our first communions , and were confirmed Catholic . My mother always used to say that we could be anything we wanted after we were confirmed , but until then , we were Catholic if anyone asked . I ran around like an idiot and had a great time . We lived with my grandmother , but she passed away when I was 4 . We were pretty much spoiled rotten up until then . We had more toys than we knew what to do with . We never wanted for anything . Even after the death of my grandmother , my parents saw to it that everything was taken care of . We never went hungry , we always had clothes , and we knew we were loved and wanted . In school , I was smart , and that 's apparently all I was . Part of that was because of the coke bottle glasses I wore because of an eye problem I inherited from my mother 's side of the family , and the other was my natural clumsiness . If any of you ever read the Babysitter 's club , in my family I was known as " the Walking Disaster Area . " Because of my inability to play sports , I started to read a lot more , and play a lot of video games . I got a Game Boy and never looked back . But as time went by , I started to feel like I wasn 't like the other guys . I could pretend to think that girls were hot , but well , nothing would ever come as natural as the guys I saw in the hustlers that my father had in the locked cabinet in the basement . I probably started to realize my feelings around 7 , but I had no idea what they were . I still liked talking with girls , and we actually had a lot more in common . I was actually better friends with a lot of girls than guys . Of courseProbably when I was about 10 , I really couldn 't take my old friends anymore . It 's not that we argued , but they all played sports and were dating . I tried to have girlfriends , but I found that I really just wanted to be friends , and nothing more . There had always been rumors about me being gay , but it was all passive aggressive bullshit . Then again , most schooling is passive aggressive bullshit . That 's pretty much what 8th grade became unbearable . I was just tired of going to school , and dealing with the same bullshit . The same people who would smile and you really couldn 't stand . I started noticing that once per quarter I would just have one weekend where I would basically have a complete breakdown . When the first one happened , I was just so confused . I actually found one of my father 's guns . It wasn 't loaded and I had no idea what kind of bullets the revolver took , but frankly that day , it felt like that was what stopped me from ending it all right there . I went to sleep that Friday night , and I came to a realization : Why do I care so much about what these people think ? I should also mention that there 's something that we speak of in my family that we refer to as " the quality . " It 's something about the 5 of us that makes it possible to kind of fit in , but still remain outsiders , try as we might . We 've discussed it at length but we 've never been able to really figure it out . For each of us , it happened a little different , but in general , none of the five of us really could make sense of any of it . Being the second youngest in the family , I had the advantage of watching brothers and sisters escape from our high school , and move onto colleges . After just a few short weeks , it was as if their entire life had changed . They had great friends . They were about a million times happier . It was just as if someone had flicked a switch . So I vowed that I too would have this life . This escape into a better place . From that point in , I began to laugh at the horror that was my high school and to embrace its madness . I learned to take the entirety of my hometown with a grain of salt . After all , I 'd serve my time , get my sad little diploma and get on with the rest of my life , somewhere among the beautiful people . So starting around freshman year , I gradually gave less of a damn about what people who drove their tractors to school thought about me , and I was all the better for it ! It 's been like pulling teeth getting this out ! Seriously , I 've just been so lethargic lately , and well , life goes on . Hope you enjoy . I 've got a lot going on this week , so I don 't now how I 'll be doing , but well , it all works out in the end . Je vais me debrouiller bien , comme toujours ! In English , it seems like things are very concrete in naming , to me anyway . I would say 90 % of all roads were named for the families that lived on them . Streets tend to be on a grid pattern , so there 's 5th avenue , and 4th street , or the lettered streets like in Washington . Most American cities all tend to have a Main Street , a High Street , and I can 't think of a single Ohio city that doesn 't have an Euclid Avenue . Although my hometown of Defiance has an interesting story , the county shares the same name . Of course , one of the stories I remember hearing when I was little was that Pontiac Park was named because it 's where Chief Pontiac was born . . . just like about 15 other places claim . Most states , like Ohio , are just names in a foreign language . So the US isn 't really good about being clever with names . France however ; they get wild with names , and that 's why I love it . I am pretty sure quite a bit of it has to do with the fact that there 's so much more history , that it 's more easily done . I 'm sure there 's something to it , but there 's just such a variety . France doesn 't just honor military heroes or presidents , and as funny as it is they also have streets named after American presidents , but they have all sorts of streets named after famous politicians , dates , places , and even authors and actors . The other day , I was reading the back of a flyer , and it said that the store was located on the Place Sarah Bernhardt . Of course , given that I 'm gay and American , I was like wow , they named a Place in France after Sandra Bernhard . After looking at it a little more carefully I realized just how wrong I was . Sarah Bernhardt was an internationally famous actress around the end of the 19th century and into the 20th . She did a huge body of work and even worked in the US . She apparently also has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame . So here 's an example of when you realize that there 's a whole lot of culture and history that you don 't know . Even the roads here want to keep history alive . I have only lived on one road in France that wasn 't named after someone famous . It was in a lotissement where most of the roads were named after places and things in Louisiana . Other than that , I have lived on a road named after an economist , a duke , and now a country . All the road signs even tell you who the person was that the road is named after , often with their birth and death years . I love that they want you to know the history so badly that they will give you a history lesson right on the street like that . Posted by I had a whole schedule planned out today . After partner left in the morning to go to class around 7 , I would stay in bed on the computer until around 8 : 30 . Then I would take a shower . After that was done , I needed to gather up the trash and recycling , and take it down with me when I left to get the shopping done for the week . Finally , all I 'd have to do is get the laundry done , probably around noon , when partner would be back . We 'd have lunch , which I planned special remembering that Serrano ham and Edam cheese was on sale at Netto . After that a quick nap with him , as he had been up and going since 6 : 30 , followed by him working the entire night , usually until about 11 . As for me , at 7 pm I 'd look for someone running the the iOS announcement online , watch that till it was finished . After that , we 'd have a nice dinner , something like Steak Tips Monterey we used to have back in the US . So very good . Then maybe watch The Last Airbender and sleep furiously ! So I started on the right foot , but well , I was just so tired . So I figured that I could sleep a half an hour . That way I wouldn 't be a complete waste to the world . Also , it 's an excuse to steal my partner 's pillow . I am very bad about this . I am rather a pillow fiend . Also , if you 've never slept under a french couette , I don 't know how to explain it . It 's special . So I finally woke back up . . . around 8 : 45 . I turned on the computer around then and spent some time on the internet . . . . until 10 : 30 . So then I needed to take a shower , and I finally had everything ready to go shopping around 11 : 15 . I have the habit of listening to my iPod when I go shopping . Normally I listen to music and that 's pretty much how it works . However , I have one slight problem . I have put it in every pocket I could , but the gyroscope / accelerator assumes I 'm using the random function . So I 'll be walking around and really like a song , swing a leg out too far , and I will have changed through 6 others . I should also mention that the shake to random function never works normally . This only happens when I 'm walking . I think I may be too bouncy . So I went into Netto , and buy only the things that are absolutely essential of course . I skipped over all the fruits and vegetables . Seriously , they all looked sad . Also , there were fruits that I just had no idea what they were . If I had to come home and look up what a fruit is , such as the mirabelle , I don 't have an urge to buy it . I saw waffles dipped in chocolate though . They mysteriously ended up in my card . I also am madly in love with the chipolatas and merguez they have there . So much the garlic . I had to get a little milk of course , and cheese , and kinder pingui . . . . . Like I said , it 's all 100 % organic chez moi . I love that I could buy enough for two for a week , for about 40 dollars . Perfect . I headed home after stopping off to buy bread and a little something for me before partner got back . I got the the groceries put away , and was ready to go start the wash . I stood in front of the elevator for about 5 minutes , but what felt like a half an hour . Finally , the elevator arrives at my floor , and who 's there but Partner ! ! ! ! So I walk back with him , set the laundry down , and did everything else . I realized that I couldn 't exactly eat what I had bought for myself in front of him , so I sneak off and buy him a flan . Then I 'm a hero ! After that we slept a bit , and then I went down to do the laundry . There wasn 't a huge amount , but it took me about 3 hours to get it all done . I did it in two loads ad the bed linens needed to be washed too . However , you can 't just set it and forget it . You can only set the washer for 20 minutes , only three euros , and then one euro for 20 minutes of drying . Ridiculous , not only because of price , but every 20 minutes I had to stop what I was doing , and go back downstairs and feed the machines more money . But I finished with just a half an hour before the iOS event ! I love Mac products . The only problem is that I 'm poor and can 't afford much from the Mac universe . Life is unfair like that . So for now , I bid you Adieu ! First , I should mention that I have already commented on this on my livejournal a while back . Here 's that if you want to read . It seems lately as though the entire world is becoming a fan of what I like to call " the conditional apology . " I find this to be completely unacceptable as when you apologize , you are saying what you did was wrong . You are not saying that it is conditional upon someone being offended . The most recent example has been in the case of Patty Stanger , perhaps better known as " The Millionaire Matchmaker . " Recently , on an episode of Watch What Happens Live she had the gall to tell one gay man that gay men were incapable of monogamy , that she 's tried to make gay people monogamous ( the gall of that statement right here ) but it didn 't work . Andy Cohen , being gay himself , objects to her comment , to which Stanger responds , " When 's the last time you had a boyfriend . You know this . You 're gay ! " Of course , this all blows up and starts a firestorm of media , at least in the circles I frequent . Stanger decides that the solution is to go on The Joy Behar Show and attempt to make amends . Now , I will admit that with her clarifications and in the specific conditions under which she makes it slightly better . In my opinion , her comments are not enough to solve the problem . I started to soften and see that maybe she had more of a point . Maybe I was just being too hard on her . Sometimes I tend to jump on things . I realized that I was one hundred percent justified as soon as she said , " I 'm sorry if GLAAD was offended , but . . . . " Then came the famous line of excuses . My personal favorite is when the offender trots out his or her gay friends . " Some of my best friends are gay . " is the equivalent of someone accused of racism saying they have black friends . Either his or her friends may never have known how racist they were , or as I assume the most likely case is , he or she is talking out of his or her respective ass . Later , Stanger referenced that she was against Proposition 8 , and all the work she had done for gay rights . As admirable as that all is , she then comports herself as an expert on how gay culture works . Stanger proceeds to explain how gays are " the others " from all of the normal people who can couple nicely , like lesbians or straight people . ( Happily , she didn 't bother to impart her wisdom on bisexual or transgender relationships for us . ) She regales us with the story of a friend who says that this is the nature of the gay community , apparently confining herself strictly to Los Angeles this time . As further proof of the impossibility of gay monogamy , she discusses her attempts to " bring civilization to the barbarians " at one of her numerous gay mixers . After straining herself so severely , shining beacon on a hill that she is , she simply threw in the towel , vanquished by our hedonistic natures . I point out the two at the time in the first article , but since then , we have had numerous examples . One of my personal favorites was Rick Spreading Santorum , who recently spoke about his feelings at Penn State University , where the students basically had a good laugh and went on with their day . Afterwards , he spoke publicly about his " gay friends . " I personally find it hard to believe that any self - respecting gay man would really be his friend , but well , to each his or her own . Santorm has already followed up with his own ignorance , so at least we know that things haven 't changed . As if this weren 't bad enough , we find examples of adults persecuted for whom they are . Recently Leisha Hailey , actor in The L Word and currently a singer in Uh Huh Her was removed from a flight on Soutwest Airlines for what was described as " inappropriate behavior . " Normally , I would give the benefit of the doubt , if it weren 't for the fact that the phrase " family airline " came into use by the flight attendant . That makes parts of my mind hurt that I cannot begin to express in language of any kind . one per week informs us of the latest attempted suicide , and unfortunately more often than not , those times when they are completed . As long as we keep allowing these beliefs to be circulated , we do a disservice not only to ourselves but to all members of our society really . Posted by The next second half of the first chapter . I have the second chapter written , but I have to do some editing . I don 't know exactly what the schedule will look like for posting over the next few days . Maybe the muse will strike , but there 's a lot of possibilities . ____________________________________________________________________________ Sangyarn laughed . " You took one and I thought you went to sleep . I tried and wake you up for your shift , and you 're shaking me by the was the crown in the jewel of Dulcinea , the queen of the heavens . She always had one eye on the wanderer , and her hand on the crown . To the left of that , was the king 's constellation , Brenhin . He was in thought now . There were only a few more hours before morning . Then he could head back down below decks and get some real sleep . Tomorrow would mean another day of adoring fans , smiling women , and |
I just got back from spending three days in the hospital . I went in for treatment of my migraines . Ya want to know what will give you a migraine ? Just getting into the hospital should have given me one . On Tuesday the 22nd I called my Neurologist Nurse and asked her to make the hospital stay for the 29th because I would have someone to stay with Fmom then . She said she would try and she would call me back on Friday the 25th . I wait until Friday afternoon and give her a call . I get no call back . So I know they wouldn 't be in on Monday because it 's a holiday and I call her again on Tuesday morning the 29th . I get an answering machine saying she would be out until the 31st . From there I call the admitting office at the hospital . They said yes , I had a room reserved and I was supposed to check in that day . I asked them if I could check in the next day because I just found out and they said no , it had to be that day . I get a ride to the hospital , 2 hours away , and I finally get check in . It 's a huge hospital and just finding my room , I get lost . When I finally find my room , I go in and ring the nurse 's desk to let them know I 'm there . Now I don 't know about you , but it seems to me that when you are checking into the hospital , that to show up in your room and ring the nurse 's desk to let them know you 're there isn 't the optimum . Anyway , I 'm in the hospital and I 'm not really impressed with the nurse 's ability to find a vein to start an I . V . I was stuck not twice or three time , but a total of seven times before they finally got one . Then they started pushing medicine that burned like lava going in . It ends up they didn 't find out anything and that they tried medicines that I had already been on before . After all of this it takes me all day just to get checked out . At the moment I 'm not too impressed with the hospital or the treatment . But …… . I 'm still alive , I don 't have a headache at the moment , and I made it back home safely . So things aren 't as bad as they could be . Added : I was just posted by Family Man | 4 : 30 PM It 's the middle of the night and it 's finally quiet around here . My Brother , s - I - l and 3 y . o . Great nephew arrived yesterday and it 's as it should be - quiet . I 'll give it about two more hours and my nephew will be up and running all over the house and George will be chasing him barking all the time . For some reason my Brother and s - I - l don 't see anything wrong with telling him to go wake up Uncle FM and play with him . Of course the first time he pounds on the door , I 'm up because George is barking . So if things work the way they usually do , George and I will come out of my bedroom , I 'll turn on the TV in the den and then fix some coffee . After that the Nephew , George and me will sit on the couch and watch TV . I 'll doze off for a few minutes and the Nephew will shake my arm saying I 'm not watching . I 'll say , I am too watching . From then on we 'll be watching each other more than the TV to see who will fall asleep first . I always loose on that one . After the second or third time my nephew will just give up on me and he 'll talk to George . George is my one saving grace in this game . If my nephew gets bored and gets up to starting getting into stuff , George will start barking and I 'll come awake . I 've been half sleep before , and I 've heard the Nephew tell George to be quiet while he gets down off the couch . George never lets me down though . So before the nephew gets a foot on the floor , George barks and I 'm awake . I guess I 'll see how today will go , but I know I 'll be very tired by the end of the day . Labels : Family I just found out about an Alabamaism I had never heard about . Here 's some info from Wiki : The Vulcan statue is the largest cast iron statue in the world and the symbol of Birmingham , Alabama . The 56 foot ( 17 m ) tall statue depicts the Roman god Vulcan , god of the fire and forge . It was created as Birmingham 's entry at the 1904 World 's Fair in St . Louis , Missouri and is the largest statue ever constructed in the United States . It is the second - largest statue standing in the United States behind the Statue of Liberty . The ism I 'm talking about is a saying called Moon over Homewood . It seems the naked posterior of Vulcan is pointed toward an upper middle class town called Homewood . Thus the name , Moon over Homewood . Hey and ya 'll thought we had no class down here . I usually don 't pay attention to this , but I just looked at my site meter counter . I 'm 8 visits away from 10 , 000 . It ain 't hockey , but Wooooo Hooooooooooooooo ! It appears my 10 , 000th visitor was someone from the mid USA . Whoever you are , and to all of you that have stopped by , THANK YOU . : ) Labels : Misc . Well Fmom was pretty angry last night . She had been trying to call my brother that had the by - pass surgery , but couldn 't get him on his cell phone . That went on for a couple of days until he finally called last night . She was very happy to hear from him , but she tore into him about not calling . She didn 't leave anybody out either . Luckily his wife or children weren 't on the phone , but she tore into him about they could at least call to let her know how he 's doing . My brother does this from time to time and I keep telling Fmom not to worry and that we 'll hear from them soon . She just won 't accept that though . She 's always been this way with all my brothers and sisters . I 'm sure I 've told this story before , but to bring home the point of the consequences you face if you don 't call Fmom …… When I joined the military years ago , I was stationed out in California . I didn 't call home for a month . One day while at work , I get a call from my commander 's office and was told to report to him immediately . On the way there I kept thinking what have I done ? I couldn 't think of anything that I had done wrong , so I was worried . I get there and he told me he had gotten a call from my sister asking him if I would call home . Immediately I 'm worried something has happened at home and ask the commander . He said no , but my mother wanted to hear from me . I 'm embarrassed about the whole thing , but he was good - natured about it . However , he did say don 't let it happen again . Years later after I retired , I was living by myself and I hadn 't called for about a week . My landlady drove over to my house and told me to call home . She was good - natured about it too , and since she was just a little younger than Fmom , she gave me a good talking to about calling home . So I call home , and Fmom told me if she couldn 't have gotten my landlady she was on the verge of calling the police . Now that would have been embarrassing to have the police show up to say call home . So the point is , that all of us children know that posted by Family Man | 6 : 44 AM I 'm beginning to find that having something new is not the best way to go sometimes . The old remote for Fmom 's tv down in the den went out about a month ago . So I bought a new one and it 's made by a different manufactures and the buttons are completely different . When I first got it , I sat down and learned the buttons and what it would do . I then sat Fmom down and showed her the buttons and which she needed , and how they worked . I told her to play around with the remote and learn it . Well a month later and she is still calling me over the intercom to come down to the living room and fix her remote . It 's usually she has pressed a wrong button and switched the remote to DVD , cable or something else . So I go down to the den , show her where the TV button is , show her where the guide buttons are and then show her how to get it off the guide and onto the full picture . Now I don 't mind doing this , but three to five time a day is a little much . So I 've decided to do up a one page drawing of the remote with arrows pointing at the buttons she needs to push . I 'm hoping she 'll use this as a quick reference and will finally learn the buttons . If this fails , I 'll just go out and buy the same one she had before and go with that . Now I have to figure out how to get her proficient on the cell phone . Here 's another picture today of the pond . Sort of a pond in green picutre . Click to Enlarge . Smoke Update : I just found out the smoke I thought was coming from the GA / FL fires wasn 't . About 12 - 15 miles from here , someone deliberately set fires that burned about 700 acres of woods . The fire was successfully put out though . It appears there are crazy people everywhere . Another Smoke Update : I was just watching the local news and it is smoke from the GA / FL fire too . B ' ham has had smoke warning about the air quality . Geeze ! Labels : House Just a single picture of the pond today , but I got it during dusk , and you can see stuff on top of the water . I don 't know what 's going on with the turtles around here , but yesterday I saw two in the back yard and one in the front yard . They were all trying to get back to the pond . The picture is kind of dark , but as I said , I took it during dusk . Click to EnlargeAndi did a quick fix for me so the pond would show up better . Thanks Andi . Click to Enlarge . Everyone have a good day today . Labels : Pond It appears the brothers and sister decided this weekend was the weekend for everyone to come home . All the presents Fmom was going to get on Mother 's day she got this weekend . I think she likes that better . Having the kids come to her instead of going someplace else to celebrate . We did luck out on one thing . My brother and his family are members of a local bar - b - que club . So since he was part of the group serving this weekend , he got a lot of bar - b - que to bring home . He dropped off two packs to us . Fmom was saying that one pack was for my oldest brother that couldn 't make it , but I don 't think that pack will make the wait until my brother get back here . I just took George out and we 've got smoke again . I don 't know if it 's coming again from the GA / FL fires , but it fairly thick . I just looked and the fires there are about 485 miles away from us . Hard to believe the smoke came that far . This is a picture I just took of the pond . It ain 't fog . Click to enlarge . I 'm hoping we get some wind here soon to clear this out , but the weather is saying wind will be light and variable . We might have this around for a couple of days . Not really good for FMom 's asthma , or anyone one else for that matter . Hope everyone is having a good Monday . Labels : Misc . I finally got Fmom to the doctor yesterday and she was running a fever and she was having trouble with her asthma . Her doctor gave her an antibiotic shot and a prescription for more antibiotics . He said at her age with her asthma and running a fever , he was more concerned about possible pneumonia . With the shot and a couple of doses of antibiotics , Fmom appears to be feeling better this morning . I 've been making few changes on the site and I have a few questions for the more hmtl inclined than myself : 1 . I put " Recent Comments " down below the blogroll . I 've got so much room on the right and left that I would like to take the " Recent Comments " out of the page section and put it on either the right or left side . Any suggestions ? 2 . OK I guess only one question . The only other change I made was in the color of the comment 's box in holoscan . Hope everyone has a good Friday . Labels : Misc . My niece came by yesterday and I gave her , her Great Grandmothers wedding band . She didn 't know she was getting it and the look of total surprise was nice to see . She got my talk about tradition , and hoping one day she would pass it down to my grandniece , her daughter . I also gave her something I typed up awhile back . It was a story I called My Sister 's Ring . Of course the story had changes in it because I don 't refer to my mother as Fmom around the house , but essentially it was the same . After my niece got through reading the story , Fmom took off her finger the exact ring I was talking about in the story and told my niece that she wanted her to have it . This surprised me because I didn 't know Fmom was going to do this , and I know how much Fmom cherishes that ring and the memories it brings back of my sister . During all the surprises I think my niece came to see a part of me that she didn 't know existed . Usually when she 's around we wise crack at each other and nothing is too serious . But I think she saw what the family and traditions mean to me . Last night my niece called Fmom and they talked for about two hours . I myself don 't see how anyone can stay on a phone that long , but some do . When they finished I asked Fmom what my niece said . She said just a normal talk , but that my niece must have told her 500 times to thank me for the ring during the conservation . I know she was also thanking Fmom for my sister 's ring . I don 't know , but maybe I did make an impression on my niece about tradition . She told Fmom that she would be wearing the wedding band along with her wedding band from now on , and that her daughter would know and one day would receive this ring . Of course we don 't know how the future will go , but I hope that with each new generation this ring will continue to mean to them , now what I know it means to my niece and me . Labels : Family I knew it was dry around here , but I just found out this morning that I 'm living in an extreme drought area . I saw something on the news , and I went to the US Drought Monitor web page . It actually surprised me we are in a drought area . When you live around a lot of pine trees and things that stay green even in winter , then seeing how a drought is effecting the area sometimes isn 't as clear . The local news said we would need at least several bouts of two to three steady rain days to get back to normal . We are having rain right now , but it will pass on through . After that , I don 't know when we 'll get rain again . One thing that struck me odd is the local news was saying our best chance to catch up on the rain deficit will be during Jun - Nov . How can you catch up on the rain deficit during the hottest parts of the summer ? Two words - Hurricane Season . Now I don 't live on the coast , but most hurricanes that hit down there do bring us a lot of rain . However , the coast is far from recovery and some areas probably never will recover . I want rain , but not at the expense of more hurricanes battering down , well anyplace . I 've always liked to be a little bit ahead of the curve , so for years now , I don 't water my lawn and if I can get away with it , not too many plants around the house . I know my neighbors think " God I wish he would take care of his lawn , " , but I just look at it as good stewardship . To me water is a precious resource that most people take for granted . I think what brought that clearly to me was when I lived in San Antonio . I rented a house there and the owner told me during the summer to make sure I watered the foundation of the house . I was surprised by this and asked him what he meant . Out there during the summer , the heat and lack of water will make big cracks in your yard . If you don 't water the foundation of your house , then it will crack . I had seen many houses made of brick that had what looked like repaired cracks going up the side of a outside wall . I never paid any attention to it until my landlord tolposted by Family Man | 6 : 13 AM I was supposed to go to the hospital for treatments of my migraines today , but I had to reschedule for the second time . The first was rescheduled because Fmom thought everyone was coming here for Mother 's Day and wanted to see if it could be pushed back to another day . Well Mother 's Day fell through because she wasn 't feeling well . So I rescheduled the first and now I cancelled again because she 's still not feeling well . I think it 's nothing more than a summer cold , but I would rather not have her being pushed to go up there if she is feeling bad . She would be staying with my youngest brother , but still not feeling well and a two - hour trip just might make her feel worse . Ten minutes after I cancelled Fmom was saying call them tomorrow and tell them we 'll be up there . I 'm telling her I 've already cancelled twice , and to call the next day and say " forget what I said yesterday , " isn 't a good thing . So I 'll call later this week and see what they say . I think out of this , George is the lucky one . He would be boarded at the vets right now if I had gone , but at the moment , he 's still stretched out on the bed and sound asleep . I 'll see how Fmom feels today , and tomorrow and if she 's feeling better , then I 'll call again to set things up . With my luck , by that time , I 'll have a summer cold . Oh the mystery of stepping into a new day and seeing what 's going to happen . We 'll see . Hope everyone has a good day . Labels : Family I was reading FARfetched blog , Tales from FAR Manor , this morning , and he was talking about a book that seems to be opening up a new realm of slackdom to me . I 've just started reading it , but it appears it 's right down my alley , and if there was ever a reason for slackdom , then it 's here in this book . Here 's what FARfetched worte : Family Man describes himself as a slacker , but I 'll bet Dolly Freed could teach even him a thing or three . Back in 1975 or so , at age 19 , she wrote a book called Possum Living ( link to full text ) about the extremely low - maintenance lifestyle she and her father lived . I wish I 'd run across this book when I got out of college - it could have changed my life . It would be interesting to see whether she 's still living that ultra - slackerly lifestyle now at age 50 - ish , and what improvements she might have made on it . As with everything and everybody , I don 't agree with everything she has written , but she sounds like she had more slackerly sense at 19 then I do now in my 50 's . Thanks FARfetched ! I did it ! More work is needed , but I did it . I got the washer back to working . I got to the parts place yesterday and it took me about 45 minutes to finally get the right part . The lady behind the desk kept giving me the wrong part and there were a lot of people in line , so I took the part number and started looking . I told her to go ahead and wait on the other people . I found a part that looked like mine , but it had two electrical connections on one end instead of just one like my part . So finally after she waits on everyone , she pulls a diagram up on the computer and as soon as I see it , I say number 11 . I know that number because I 've seen the same diagram many times . We finally figured out the part she had is a substitute part , so I take it . BTW there was one guy there who was returning a piece for a dryer . It was his fifth time there for the wrong piece . He told the lady that she had ordered the right piece , but they sent him something completely different . He told the lady , he found the right piece over at another store and he 's just there for a refund . I got back home and went to work . I found out that taking a part out isn 't as easy as putting it back into a machine . I 've always known this , but I 've never been sure why it 's this way . As I said , the new part had two connectors on one end and I go ahead and hook the ends together . It takes me forever to get the whole assembly screwed back into place . I get the entire washer back together and it doesn 't work . My first thought is the connectors . I must have hooked up the wrong one on the two - connector end . So I take the washer apart again and get the assembly and connectors out again . On the two - connector end , I connect to the other one . I go through the whole thing of getting the assembly back in and the washer together again . I crossed my fingers and toes and put it on spin . IT WORKS ! ! ! ! ! I 'm yelling at Fmom , " IT WORKS " and she 's acting like a miracle has happened . I 'm feeling very smug about my accomplishment and I close the lid . The posted by Family Man | 6 : 51 AM You ever have one of those little things that will drive you up the wall . I 've been working on the washing machine . It will agitate , but once it gets to the spin cycle it stops . Now I 'm not an internet genius , but I did find a place for this type of washer that gives you step by step instruction for problems and simple repairs . It even had pictures , thank goodness . I found out I need an actuator lid switch . So going by the instructions I take the cabinet off the washer and get to exactly what I need . Pretty simple so far . Now for what 's driving me up the wall . This washer was brought from a national department store . There 's a branch of it about 35 miles from here . I want to call it 's parts department in the mall it 's located at , but looking it up on the computer only puts me into a national type system and calling that particular store number given puts me in the same system . I called information at the mall and they said the only thing they have is the national number . I know I have the number somewhere because I had to use it during the times I was trying to fix the dryer . But if I have to dig through all the stuff on my desk and go through each and every thing , then I 'll save time by driving up there . Now comes another dilemma . When I looked the part up on the internet , they said it was unavailable . This washer is probably 10 - 11 years old but it works , or at least did . Am I going to find out when I drive up there that an $ 11 . 00 part has been discontinued or there 's no replacement part and I 'm going to have to shell out for a new washer ? Right now , I 'm a little miffed about the phone number . It seems like the store is making things harder than easier . However , once I get up there , I 'm beginning to wonder if they can even get that replacement part . The adventure continues . Labels : House I took Fmom to an appointment yesterday and it was one of our usual rides while reminiscing about the old times . She had told me of when my grandmother had gotten to the point to where she knew she couldn 't live alone by herself anymore , that she wanted to start giving to her children things that she knew they would want . In our family when a direct relative passes away , from their personal things there is what we call a pick . My aunts and my mother were bought together and each took their turn to pick what they wanted from my Grandmother and Grandfather 's life . My Grandmother did this so that she would know that each of her daughters and my father 's family would be treated fairly and there would be no arguments or bad feeling about anything . This was done and it was a few years later that she did pass away . There was another pick after her passing , and then the grandchildren were bought in to pick something they would like to have . FMom surprised me yesterday when she told me that of all the Aunts , herself , my brothers / sister and cousins , that I had gotten the best pick of everyone . I asked her what she meant and she explained . We grandchildren were bought into an upstairs bedroom where the things we were to pick from were . When my turn came , there was a small box of assorted jewelry that I thought I would just grab something and that would be that . I looked in it and moved some stuff around and saw a small thin gold ring . I took that and went back by my sister and looked at it . I started looking on the inside and saw an inscription . It was very hard to read but I finally saw that it was my Grandmother 's wedding band . I told everybody what it was and I started saying it was too much and was going to put it back , but my sister standing by me dug her heel into my foot and I almost yelled out . I went on to say how surprised and proud I was to have it . I don 't know how my Aunts let the ring get by them and trust me everyone in the room was very surprised . I 've always found it distasteful to see some familiposted by Family Man | 12 : 03 AM Well I did it again . We have French doors going out to the patio and the door you go through has a dead bolt on it . It also has one of those push button locks on the door handle . I got up this morning and when I finally take George out I didn 't turn the doorknob far enough to pop out the push button lock . Fmom , brother and s - I - l are still asleep and I don 't want to wake them up , so I go around the house checking ever door and window . I 'm pretty good about locking up at night so not a thing is unlocked , and honestly , I can 't see myself trying to crawl through one of these windows now . I finally go to knocking on the window and waking up my brother . At this point I 'm very glad they 're here , because Fmom is pretty unstable on her feet first thing in the morning . While I 'm outside waiting George is in a crazy barking mood . I 'm doing a whisper / yell at him to shut up because he 's not far from our neighbor 's bedroom window . My brother gets to the door and lets us in . By this time , George is in a frenzy of barking . He hates my oldest brother for some reason . I don 't remember my brother ever doing anything bad to George , but George is one of these little souls that doesn 't forget . My brother could have stamped his foot at George one time , and George is one to hold a grudge . So at the moment , back in the house with my door closed , George is still doing his low - level growl and an intermittent ear piercing bark . Hey want can I say ? A little excitement to an otherwise mundane morning . Hope everyone enjoys your morning . Labels : House As I was saying earlier , my Aunt O turned 100 recently . There was a big to do at the local church she helped build . In the handout they give you every Sunday at church to tell you the schedule of events for the day , there was also included a paper about Aunt O . On the front it had her picture with her all dressed up and smiling and on the back it had her history . I already knew a lot of the facts and some I didn 't . When I got down to the end there was a little story about Aunt O . It 's seems there was a local radio station running a contest for the oldest listener to call in . Her grand daughter called in and got everything going and Aunt O won a coffee mug from the station . Aunt O is still sharp as a tack and her only comment was " My grand daughter told them my real age . How am I going to get dates now . " Aunt O is in a nursing home and has been for a little while now . She gets around with a walker , but she 's still spry . There 's no doubt she wants to go back to her own home , but I know the nursing home is probably the best place for her . I got to thinking is Aunt O one of the lucky one ? To live that long and have so many come into your life . I think yes and no . I can 't say I know what it 's like to yearn to go back to a home you and your spouse built and raised children in . A home where the church you helped build is 50 yards away and the place you worked until you had to retire is across the street . The place is less than a hamlet . Just some houses off a curvy road and a few building by a railroad track that used to be stores . She saw this place when it was prosperous , vibrant and oh so many family and friends around . Now it 's a shell and it 's a place she wants to be , but she can 't . I don 't know if Aunt O is lucky . I know there are many people who think about her and love her , but lucky , I don 't know . I can always remember her saying about where she 's at now , " Oh honey , all these people in here are crazy except for me . " Here 's to you Aunt O . I 'm half your age and I wished I had haposted by Family Man | 11 : 32 AM A few pictures of the pond this weekend . As I told Andi , it 's all looking the same to me now . I 'm going to have to start taking pictures during different times of the day it seems . Since my computer went kaput and came back to life , I can 't find some stuff , so the stitch program is there somewhere , but I just got to find it . Click to enlarge . Click to enlargeIf you notice that iron squiggly thing in the picture , it 's a plant hangar . Since I don 't intend to hang any plants and I take it out of the ground when I 'm mowing , I use is sometime when I 'm too lazy to walk more than 10 feet from the patio and I put George on a long line so he can use the bathroom . I figure that way both George and I are happy . As I said last night I ' mmmmmm Backkkkkkk . I hope this computer keeps working , but nothings for sure . What 's been going on ? My brother that had the bypass surgery is home now and he and my s - I - l will be staying here for awhile . He 's actually handling his second one better than I did my first one . I don 't think I was as active as him this soon after the by - pass surgery . Of course I 'll take any and all sympathy I can get , but then again , I didn 't have a spouse waiting on me either . For that matter I didn 't have a brother waiting on me while waiting on my spouse either . I don 't know if that made sense , but they 've run my back end off . Fmom has been doing OK . She and I went to buy more groceries today , so that got her out of the house . She was feeling bad today and my s - I - l used my brothers blood sugar meter to check hers . It was high , high enough to worry about , so we see the doctor on Monday . But , there will be no more frozen fudge bar wars anymore . That 's a good thing because I was getting sick of those things . George is in serious need of a haircut and I 'll have to give him a bath this weekend . I 'm not looking forward to either . I did get a little pissed at my brother and s - I - l this afternoon when we came back . They had put him in my room and closed the door on him . Basically locked him in my room . I don 't usually loose my temper , but I let them know what I thought about it . Cat is starting to spend her nights outside . She had her last time of deciding my clothes basket was a easy place to go . She 's lucky I 'll let her in during the day . Tom is still Tom . Still as big as ever and looking like he 's been in a fight every night . This coming weekend we have the whole family here for Mother 's Day . I was supposed to go into the hospital on Friday so they can run some treatments on me for the migraines , but I 'll have to call and reschedule for a couple of days later . I don 't exactly know what type of treatments they 'll be doing , but the doctor said it would only be a couple of days . I posted by Family Man | 1 : 29 AM |
Welcome to the AHSTW 8th Grade English Blog ! This is our place to share our writing with the world . Please encourage us in our efforts to become better writers by giving us feedback in the comments sections of our posts . The bus is slowly coming down the street to avoid slipping on the ice . It 's Monday , the thought hits me like a truck , I slump down a little more . The bus finally comes to my stop . I reluctantly step into the bus . There 's little kids jumping around , screaming something I can 't understand . I keep walking to the back of the bus , there is a little kid picking his nose back there , so I just sit in the middle . The bus starts moving on it 's way to school . I stare out the window , ignoring everything wrong with the world . I lose myself in the moving scenery and doze off into a daydream . I don 't wake up from the daydream until the stop of the bus jolts me awake . I get up and start to walk to the front of the bus . I walk past a kid coughing violently and I cringe away from him , I 've always been a germophobe , just imagining the little monsters makes me sick to my stomach . I finally make it off the bus and start walking to the front door to the school , then I hear screaming from behind me . I think it 's just the little kids being little kids but when I turn around the kid coughing is on the ground twitching violently . The bus driver jumps out of the bus and picks up the kid and sprints to the school . That 's weird that hasn 't happened before . I think to myself as I make my way to the school again . " Yes ? " Mom answers back shakily . I run into the room to see what 's wrong . Mom 's crying on the couch looking at the TV blankly . I cover my face so Mom can 't see me crying . She hugs , but I push her away and storm off to my room . It isn 't fair ! I almost never got to see Dad , and now I 'll never see him again ! I think to myself as I jump onto my bed . I shove my head into the pillow and forget about everything , the whole world is falling on top of me . I punch my pillows as hard as I can as if that will bring Dad . Great , now everyone else is going to die , perfect ! I think sarcastically , I look at my phone and it 's 6 : 43 , dinner ! I run into the dining room , and my mom is slouched over eating leftover spaghetti from Tuesday with a blank stare to nowhere in particular . I grab the rest of the spaghetti and sit at the other side of the table . I look down and start eating , I don 't know why I 'm mad at Mom ; she did nothing , but that 's the problem , she never did anything ! She never helped me grow up . She was always in the background , just watching me until she needed to take care of me when Dad left ! With a new reason to not look at Mom I keep eating not dare to look at her . She 's suddenly the symbol of Dad dying only a reminder of his death . She snaps out of her daze and asks , " That 's good , " she says as if she 's unsure if that 's the right thing to say . She gets up and takes her dish to the sink and washes it . She then walks like a zombie towards her room . With Dad , Mom 's spirit died too . After I 'm done eating I leave the plate and sit on the couch watching a rerun of Full House . I 'm not even watching it but I 'm looking through the TV for answers . After what feels like an eternity I start dozing off and eventually fall asleep . I wake up with a jolt and instantly fumble for my phone , I find it and check the time , 10 : 30 ! I sprint to my room and find clothes to put on . I find my bag and I 'm about to run out the door when I hear a scratchy voice coming from Mom 's room . I sit on the couch and realize what no school means , no time left . Most of the human race is already dead . I think back to the poor kid on the bus , he was only like six ! This is the end of life as we know it . Might as well give up , it wouldn 't make a difference . Mom sends me out to go get food , so I start walking to the grocery store . As I 'm walking down the sidewalk a couple army trucks pass by . I don 't pay attention to them , but keep walking forward in a daze , not connected to reality . After ten minutes I see the grocery store , but it 's trashed , all the windows are broken and upon closer inspection it 's been cleaned out . There 's no answer but the sound of a chair or something falling over in Mom 's room . I run to her door and slowly I open the door . I look up , and I instantly close the door , and run to my room , and jump into my bed . I bury my head in the pillows , and scream at the top of my lungs , Mom finally broke , she gave up . I get up out of my bed and start walking toward the front door with no idea what I 'm doing . I open the door with a new motivation for something even I don 't know about . I walk the way the army men were driving . Chamberlyn was an ordinary girl , so she thought . She had her everyday routine , wake up , go to school , and then she had piano lessons after school . Once she would get done with piano lessons she would ride her bicycle out to the tree on a hill . She would lie down on a blanket and watch the clouds slowly pass by . When she was out on that hill , looking up into the sky , she felt like the whole world was silent , no existing of it . She would get lost into the clouds , but she knew they would be coming very soon . Chamberlyn finally rode her bicycle home . She has a little brother , Jack , and has two older siblings , Cece and Stefan , they 're twins . Chamberlyn is 16 , Jack is 6 , and Cece & Stefan are 18 . She is the daughter of Damon and Elena Salvatore . They live in a small town , Mystic Falls . The town had always been mysterious , that 's where the name kind of get its . There was always random deaths , Chamberlyn knew it was a sign that they were coming , in fact there were many signs . Chamberlyn didn 't want to think they were coming , so she blocked out the world . Everytime Chamberlyn would get home from the tree , she would go straight to her room and do her homework , if she had any . She would always stop doing her homework and just read . She loved reading , especially about the gods . She would try to talk to her friends about her book , but they just thought she was crazy . Chamberlyn woke up bright and early ; she got dressed and headed to the tree . She had to finally talk to them , she needed to tell them that they can 't come today , not yet . After she talked to them she rode her bike to school . Once she got to school she ran to her friends screaming , " They 're coming , they 're coming ! " " Bonnie , Chamberlyn 's other friend says , " Come on Chamberlyn , stop being crazy . Nobody 's coming ; enough with the games . " " We have to go , let 's get out of here ! " Chamberlyn exclaimed . They all left their separate ways and headed to their houses . Chamberlyn rode her bicycle home and rushed into the house . She grabbed clothes , her laptop and phone . She was running out of the house until she figured she would leave a note for her family . On the note she wrote " I 'm so sorry , my friends and I left , we don 't know where we 're going yet . I took the car keys , and a bunch of food . I 'll call you when I can . All I can say is that they 're coming , leave soon . " Chamberlyn hopped in their family van and drove as fast as she could to the bank . She got to the bank and went inside . She went to the ATM and took $ 1 , 000 out of their family account ; she would explain to her family later . She waited , and waited , and then finally Bonnie and Caroline showed up . They all hopped in the car and Bonnie asks again , " So now what do we do , where are we going ? " They all hopped in the car and headed to New Orleans . It took seven hours to get there ; they got there around 5 o ' clock in the evening . They had no idea where Klaus would be , so they went around looking for clues . All of a sudden Chamberlyn 's phone started to buzz ; She was getting a call from her parents , Damon and Elena Salvatore . She hurried up and answered it . Damon thought to himself , I need to go find her . So Damon listened to his mind and left for New Orleans as soon as possible without letting anybody know . On the way there he ran into Rebekah , Klaus 's evil sister , an original vampire . " Hello there Damon . Haven 't seen you in a while , what 's the hurry ? " asked Rebekah . " I already knew that silly . Why do you think he called me and told me to make sure you don 't come to save her ? " Caroline said like a genius . In the summer of 1985 , there was a new girl in the sixth grade at Coal Community School . Her name was Fawn Framelight . Fawn lives in the Caribbean Island now . She was shy , and a bit awkward . She was a lot like another girl in her grade named Blaze Goldbrick . Fawn had beautiful curly red hair , with bright blue eyes ; one of the most rare combinations in the world . Fawn never missed a day of school , and always had her homework done . Blaze only missed one day of school in her whole entire life because she had a twenty - four hour flu . Fawn only had a mother ; her name was Phoebe . Her father died in a car accident seven years ago . His name was Edwin . She only remembers that her father always smelled like peppermints and ginger . Her father was raised by his Uncle Teddy because his parents were killed in a car accident close to her fathers ' . Uncle Teddy wasn 't really his uncle , it was his grandfather . His grandfather didn 't want to feel old with the word " grand . " So he decided to be called uncle . Fawn 's father found the best cheese cake recipe ever , on a tiny little island in the pacific . He thought he was a pirate , and that was his treasure . Fawn wouldn 't answer a single question in class , but she would always correct the teacher . The teacher didn 't really appreciate being proven wrong by a sixth grader though . Fawn was a straight " A " student . She practically had a photographic memory . Fawn didn 't care about what other 's thought of her . She wore last century clothes , and did her hair in a messy bun every single day of school . Fawn typically only had one friend in her previous school , but never spoke her name ; just characteristics about her . Blaze was a bit awkward and very clumsy . Blaze has thick dirty blond hair , with violet eyes . Blaze wouldn 't answer a single question either . She wouldn 't even speak a word when somebody wanted to talk to her . She was invisible . When a teacher wanted to talk to her , Blaze would put her answer in complicated ways . So they wouldn 't understand exactly what she wanted to say , and then walked away without saying another word . Their teacher thought it would be fun to talk about what everyone did over the summer . After Blaze and Fawn heard that they were into the same things like art , singing , dancing , and writing books ; they became best friends instantly . The teacher even put them right next to each other in all of their classes . They loved sitting by each other , and talking about themselves . They were still shy , but answered some questions now . They also had slumber parties every FridayBlaze told Fawn how she was furious with her by making her fail on a semester test . Fawn felt terrible ; she didn 't know that Blaze failed because Blaze told everyone she got a perfect . Blaze screamed at her , and told Fawn that she would never see daylight again . At that very moment a little sun light came from a tiny window . Fawn then said , " You better tell the sun to go away then . " Blaze covered up the window with wood and nails . She told her that she wouldn 't see anybody else again , not even her mother . Blaze then walked out the door laughing with a grin on her face . Fawn kept screaming . Fawn was determined on trying to find a way out . Then she remembered about the window . She tried reaching the window , but was to short . She now believed Blaze , about how she was never going to see sunlight again . Blaze fed her only to watch her suffer longer . Fawn was allergic to most of the food she was given , so she was starved for many hours . Days went by , and Fawn 's mother was scared out of her mind . She had never gone this long without Fawn . She decided that she needed to file a police report about her stolen child . She turned it in ; the police said they were on the case . Blaze got questioned and said , " I was only in the dressing room for two minutes and when I came out Fawn was gone . " Blaze was a great liar . The police totally bought it , and never questioned her again . Phoebe lost a lot of hope , in the search for her daughter . The police came by every day , and told her the same news ; they had no clues leading to Fawn 's disappearance . About two weeks later Blaze opened the door , and more light got in the tiny little room ; Fawn noticed a vent that she could fit into . When Blaze walked out , Fawn went over to the wall and tried for an hour to open the vent . It was hopeless , but she smelled peppermints and ginger . Just like the smell of her beloved dad . She screamed through it , but there was no answer . Finally Fawn fell to the floor , and stopped trying to escape . She was never going to get out of the room . Fawn cried and lost so much weight she couldn 't live . That night Fawn went to bed , but never woke up . Blaze never returned , and went home without even a frown . Blaze wasn 't entirely happy though ; her only true friend was gone , and it was all her fault . Posted by My full name is Nora Ann May Rodenborn . I have a story for you , but I know you won 't be interested . I 'm going shush up and start the story . I hope you like it . I know it will be a interesting story . The day I was born . I was the lightest baby from my older brother Zach . My dad always would hold me twenty - four seven . He never put me down . When I was two years old . I had Cataracts in my left eye . I had to get surgery or I would 've lost my left eye . I had baby blue eyes before my surgery . After my surgery ; my right eye is brown , and my left is green . I was very shy after my surgery , and stayed in the hospital for two weeks . I went back to the hospital because my stomach was clogged . I wouldn 't eat or drink much for a week , until I heard them saying they were going put me in a different hospital . I wore a patch after the stay at the hospital . A couple of months after my surgery . My little brother was born . He was suppose to be a girl , but he was a boy . I told my mom this " put him back . " I already knew I dislike him when I first saw him . Garet was annoying baby . A couples of months after Garet was born . My parents got divorce after my mom got home from work . I didn 't heart feel broken when I finally understood . I won 't get to see my dad not that much . I would cry and whine for my dad to come back home . My older brother Zach was five when dad got divorce . I wouldn 't talk after my mom and dad got divorce until I was three . I had to wear an eye patch for my left eye to become more healthy , but soon it will be the first day of preschool . When I didn 't care what people called me or anything . I was in the stupid phrase . The phrase where your mind is blank and you can 't think at all . I got held back in preschool , because of my blank head . I went to kindergarten ; the people were mean calling me Dora or fat . I would cry , but then I went in to the I don 't care thing . I met my best friend Courtney Gallagher . We were the weirdest little kids ever . I saw my dad on thursday and tuesdays . I was still scared of people bullying me . I went through first then second grade . I moved in to a okay house , but my landlord kids were mean to me . Their kids would come over and said we have to listen to them , because their dad own the house . I didn 't care , but they were mean kids . It was getting close to the end of third grade . My mom told us we were going to move . I was happy , but then sad . We look at the two houses ; first house was in glenwood , but we couldn 't have pets . The second house was in Hamburg we could have pets , just not big dogs . My mom had her boyfriend Dan . My brothers and I hated him so much . When we moved in Hamburg . Zach had like twelve friends . I was always inside and shy . I didn 't have much friends . Then Zach friend Jasper came over with his sister Haylee . We went to her house and talk a lot . I was scared , that I was different . I would copy everything Haylee did . I didn 't know who I was yet . I had fun in hamburg and making friends . I get jealous of people stealing my friends away from me . It was half why through fifth grade . I was moving back to avoca . I didn 't want to move back , because I loved hamburg . When we were leaving for the last time . I cried , because I knew I would never see haylee again . I was scared of the bullies again . When I walk through the door of avoca . My best friend Courtney hug me to death . I was happy to see her . Things went good til seventh grade . I was nervous and after a week of the middle school life . I knew that bullies will try to make me cry . They had made me cry . I don 't wanna call names . One person I sat next to in seventh grade told me to go die once . Then kira friend was bullying me . I couldn 't take it anymore . I wanted to run far away or sleep forever . I 'm like suffering on the edge . I 'm drowning , but people are breathing around me . I didn 't like what people say to me . I always thought they were right . They were always right . I 'm weird , fat , ugly , and worthless . Those were the things I think in seventh grade . When it was summer I felt better about myself . I was in deep depression for the summer . I have no feelings at all . I didn 't care about anything after all . Summer past by fast , because before I know it . It was the beginning of 8th grade and The bullies got worse . I was way too much in depression . I didn 't care at all what they said . I just fell in depression . I thought I would never have feelings again . I didn 't want to change myself after all . |
We 've been fascinated by stories of war - time Dover and its people . Here are some of them . But there must be many more . What do you remember of Dover during the Wars ? Do tell us ! Contact us My mother is 94 now . She can remember sheltering in the cave during the first World War . She remembers the light from the oil lamps flickering on the walls . LS My father was killed in the Great War . To survive then my mother took in washing from Connaught Barracks . Mr Farrier went up there with his horse and cart , and I went with him to get the washing . Mrs Jackson was my mother 's friend , and she helped with the washing . They had a big copper that they had to boil up in the yard to put the clothes in . Uncle Bert lost his leg in the Great War . It got machine - gunned off . He was in the platoon , and the man carrying the Lewis gun said it was too heavy , so Uncle Bert carried it . Then the bullets from the cross fire killed everyone except Uncle Bert . That was because he was carrying the gun , and the bullets pinged off it . But he lost his leg . He was shell - shocked by the war , and when they were bombed in the second World War Uncle Bert was eating his dinner . The peas on his fork went straight up in the air , and even without his leg he bolted straight across Liverpool Lawn and into the caves . He passed out when he saw the damage afterwards , but no one in the family was hurt . LB My father died in the Great War . My mother fainted when she was told . Her pension was very poor , and she had me and my brother to look after . Lady visitors came to help , and all they said was , " Put the children in a home and sell the house . " Mother wouldn 't let us go like that . She would cook , and darn and mend by candlelight , so she could get money , and her parents helped too . They kept us in shoe leather and gave us vegetables from the allotments . We stayed out of the soup kitchens and never went hungry because of that . IH My dad was in the Marines for four years in the first war . He was a Corporal Saddler ; he was a leatherworker . One time he was on a horse and it got shot and killed under him . His first son , my brother , died when he was 18 months , and I think my dad got some compassionate leave to come back and be with my mum . That was before I was born . LDR My dad was in both wars . In the Great War he was gassed , and his wife thought he had died . She took another man and had a daughter by him . Then my dad came back , and he had to lock the other man out of the house . The civilians on the continent wanted to charge the soldiers for water when there was the relief . So the soldiers shot all their guns in the air , and frightened them all away , and then milked all their cows . He made a banjo from all the bits he found in France , and used to sing songs he had made up . You should have heard the songs he sang about the enemy - they weren 't politically correct ! An5 Aftermath It wasn 't uncommon , when walking along the streets , to hear men coughing away in the front rooms . They had been gassed during the war . Military men who 'd died would be given full military honours , and they 'd be taken to the cemetery on a gun carriage . You often saw gun carriages going past . RJ My mum was a Dover girl , but we were away from Dover when World War II started . My dad was at sea , and she wanted to come home . Later the authorities asked how we 'd got in without any papers , and we said we hadn 't seen any sentries . It was quite true . My brothers were 13 and 15 and they found out where all the sentries were stationed . We 'd come in over the hills one dark night and avoided them all ! EP The beach was all barbed wire , and it was a restricted area . It was possible though to go swimming there if you were a resident , but if we girls went out in our swimming costumes all the soldiers would whistle and call out . So we didn 't go VE We boys used to go round the cliffs at St Margaret 's , looking for things that had been washed up by the tide . One day I found a large bomb lying flat on its side ; it was yellow and about four feet long . It was a job to lift it out of the water , so I asked my pal to go and get more help and a low wheel hand - cart . The bomb was too heavy to push up the road so we decided to lift it one step at a time up the cliff steps . There were about a thousand , and it took us ages . Four of us took it up , and the other lad went up the hill with the cart to wait for us . Then we took it home . On the way an army officer and soldiers stopped and asked where we had found the bomb , and said that as it had been under water it would be safe . I took it home to the bungalow where we lived and we lent it against my bedroom window . Mother was worried but I said it was safe , and lots of people came to look at it . Then my brother came home on leave from the navy , and immediately made us all leave the bungalow . He called the bomb and mine squad , and they took it out to sea and exploded it . The Naval Officer said that it was a delayed action bomb , and he was very surprised it hadn 't exploded when we were bringing it home . FS If you went down the Town Hall you could buy savings stamps for 6d . You could show them to the soldiers and they 'd give you a ride on a Bren gun carrier , from the Town Hall , along Folkestone Road , up Plum Pudding , and back again . We used to show them the same stamp several times , so we got quite a few rides JC When we were at sea , they gave us dehydrated food . Meat , vegetables , and vitamin tablets to make sure we had all we needed . The first time we tried the dehydrated food , we didn 't know what we were doing . We put some carrots in a pot and added water , and began cooking them ; they swelled up and there was so much it overflowed out of the saucepan . But there wasn 't much taste . You could tell it was meant to be different things , but everything tasted so bland . RJ There was an exhibition in the Town Hall of military equipment , and there was all army stuff there , and a display of food , what we 'd call compo rations . With them were sweets . We didn 't see sweets during the war , so I nicked some . I was really worried afterwards , going home for my dinner , I kept thinking " What if I can 't eat my dinner , what will my mum say ? " JC There was The Spot by Dodds Lane , and the man kept chickens and ducks up there . He had a caravan there too , and - this is really true ! - in the caravan he grew tobacco . ME My mum had eight sisters and two brothers . During the war they all moved to be near their mother , so there was a whole group of them together and at one stage there were 50 of them from the same family all together in the same road . ME I was thirteen when the war started and I wasn 't evacuated because you left school at fourteen . So instead I went out and got a job . I got two jobs . In the morning I 'd help in the fish shop , getting the fish ready and cutting up the chips , and in the afternoon I went to help the coalman . Then I 'd go back in the evening to help with the fish . When I was fifteen I could start on the railway ; I started as a cleaner . When I was eighteen I got my call - up papers , and I went to report . When I got there the officer took one look and said , " You 're in a reserved occupation . What are you doing here - you 're wasting my time . Get out ! " What a way to talk to someone . If I hadn 't gone they would have been after me . But I went back home and finished the war on the railway . AE The soldiers at St Margaret 's erected a small pier on twelve foot stilts , about fifty feet long . At the end of this pier was a small hut , room for three men and a machine gun and searchlight facing out to sea . When the minesweepers cut loose the sea mines the mines sometimes drifted in with the tide . Day and night the soldiers watched out for the mines . They would fire and blow them up . You had to hit the horns to blow them up . If they were close to the shore they would shoot a hole in the mine so the water would get in and sink it , and then the Royal Navy mine and bomb quad would walk out and defuse them . Some of the mines were trick ones , with little blue round windows , and if one rubbed away these little windows to look in the sun or daylight would shine in and up would go the mine . I don 't know if any other shores had this arrangement for mines , but St Margaret 's was an ideal cove for them to float in . It makes you wonder how many mines were still floating the seas after the war . In 1949 I was on honeymoon at East Cliff , and a mine collided with one of the ships doing a day - trip from Dover to Dunkirk and blew up . Fortunately the ship didn 't sink but I don 't know how many people were hurt . FS There were big batteries up by Shatterlocks and it was the New Zealanders who ran them . The batteries were to serve the search lights , and there were generators to charge them . I used to play in and out of the batteries , and the soldiers used to shout at me to " clear off ! " . There was a barrage balloon up at Shatterlocks too . ME My mother used to do odd jobs for the soldiers . She would darn their socks and send them soup to heat up . I used to take these items to the soldiers . One Saturday afternoon in August the tide was out and all the soldiers and an officer were looking down the beach . There , coming up the beach , was a tall and giant penguin . Where had he come from ? Had he been a sailor 's pet on a ship that had been sunk ? What a mystery ! The soldiers caught him in a large net and put him in a spare hut and tried to feed him . The huts were where they slept when they were erecting concrete barriers and they were also on sentry duty . On Sunday morning I went down with my mother as she wanted to see the penguin , but we were told that a man with a van had come from London Zoo to collect him . FS I didn 't go to school for years because of the War . We used to have to go into the caves . It was so boring . After the last shell had come over each time we had to wait for an hour before the all - clear . That was because of the way the guns worked , and you knew if nothing had happened for an hour then it would be safe . But if a shell came after 55 minutes then you 'd be stuck for another hour . You could be in the caves for days . The people who were killed at the Tower Hamlets cave had gone to the entrance because they thought it was safe . It had been nearly an hour since the last shell . But then one came over . The Salvation Army man brought round cups of tea . He went all through the raids and then he was killed at the Red Shield club . I thought he was ever so brave , going through all the raids like that . DE " Under the Chestnut Trees " and " This Old Man , He Played One " . If your mum said " move " , you moved . Children were obedient then . They had to be or they got killed in the air raids . EP I was at school in Mill Hill . Every time there was bombing we had to go in the shelters . We spent hours in there , in the dark , reciting our times tables . GS More Memories : - In the Caves In Noah 's Ark Road there was a cave and it went all through to Coombe Valley Road and came out by the gasworks . We used to go in there , or in the Anderson shelter . Me , mum , and the dog . EK My grandmother lived at Clarendon Street . Aircraft dropped a load of bombs on it , eleven in all . Numbers 135 and 139 were destroyed . My grandmother 's house was 134 , and she threw me down on the floor and laid on top of me . I was all right , but my grandmother got bomb splinters in her back . DC I went out into the garden , and my dad said , " Come in ! " I said , " No , it � s all right . " Then I looked up into the sky - pure blue it was - and I saw a tiny star . It was a Messerschmitt . An1 My friend and I were walking along Cambridge Road . We heard an airplane and turned round to see if it was theirs or ours . But at the same time we heard a rat a tat tat and we dived into a doorway . The next moment we saw the bullets hitting the ground , screaming up the street towards the monument . It was one of theirs . It roared as it flew very close overhead . JC My mum told me how a German plane went over the Danes . It shot at all the footballers , and then it went right up St Peter 's Street , leaving a bullet trail along the middle of the road . DA My mother was walking across the fields in front of the Boys ' Grammar with a friend , and a German plane went over head . It machine - gunned them , and they had to run for cover . They were very lucky because they weren 't hit . AH My granddad was shocked after the first World War . When the sirens went off he was always first to bolt for the shelter . But he was getting a bit deaf , and one time the wind was in the wrong direction , and he didn 't hear the siren , so didn 't know about the raid until the first bang . He really ran then ! One time he was sheltering under the stairs , and was looking for something . He set his hair alight with the candle ! NC bombs or shells pushed her head right into the telephone exchange equipment . She was back at work after three days , when the exchange had been tidied up . RJc My mum was unhappy living in Dover in 1940 because of the war . She decided to fill a pram up with family belonging and move from Brookfield Road to be with family members in Hougham , where she thought the family would be safe . But the following day a Doodlebug landed in the adjoining field . My dad was one of the survivors of HMS Jervis Bay , which was sunk on 5 November 1940 SH I often used to go to bed in bed and wake up down in the cellar , where my mum had taken me because there was a raid on . They got either side of our house , well , the room where we lived , and one was about 25 yards away , but they didn 't get us . That one blew in all the windows and after the war my mum got compensation for the curtains . JC I was out in the garden at Buckland , hanging up the washing . A shell came over , and then the siren went off . It was always that way round , because it took such a shot time for the shells to come over so there wasn 't any time to sound the siren before . I went in , and sheltered under the stairs while the raid was on . Afterwards , I went back out into the garden to see what had happened to my washing . There were two lumps of metal in the garden , shrapnel from one of the shells that had exploded nearby . I picked one up . Did I drop it quickly ! It was absolutely red - hot . PJ My parents ran a greengrocers ' shop and I spent the entire war living in Dover . Mum worked in the shop and dad served customers from the back of his little Jowet van . That meant travelling around Dover whilst shells and bombs were dropping on a daily basis . They were so proud to have kept the little shop open every day during the war . I can 't tell you how much the residents of Dover cheered the sight of the Flying Fortresses heading towards Germany and when the dreaded German Gun batteries across the channel were finally silenced . As kids we were so excited when the ' Yanks ' arrived and we knew they were going to help us beat Hitler . " Have you any gum , chum , " was a popular kiddies ' approach to the serviceman . BD I can remember the shell that exploded on the hill behind 125 Clarendon Place . Christchurch school on Military Hill was demolished while we were in the caves during a raid . There was no school to go to , and so I went home afterwards and got a hiding from my Gran , because she thought I was playing truant ! After that we all went to St Mary 's school , but that 's gone now as well . DY I had gone over to Pineham , and I saw all the yellow - nosed Messerschmitts coming . They went over Canterbury way and then they turned and came back to fire on the anti - aircraft guns . They were shooting down the barrage balloons . They were clearing the way - they were followed by Junkers 87s , but they were met by the fighters who had come up because of the Messerschmitts . There was a terrific battle in the sky . We were in London , at Camberwell , and I could see all the bombs coming down at the docks , and there was a glow in the sky with all the flames . We used to shelter in a place near our flats . There were concrete shelters thee with earth roofs . My dad used to bring the chair down and my mum would sit in it all night , and he would stand behind her to comfort her . My sister used to jump up in the air and scream when the bombs came . We knew if it was a long whistle and a short roar they 'd be further away , but if it was a short whistle and a long roar they 'd be close . It didn 't matter how many nights we were awake , my dad never missed a day 's work . He couldn 't , or he wouldn 't get paid . The planes used to follow the river up , and drop their bombs , and one night we were in the shelter , and two shelters along got hit . That was at Dulwich . You could feel the ripple through the floor of our shelter from the shock , and then everything was deathly silence . It was completely still . Everyone in that shelter was killed . After that my mum and dad and sister wouldn 't go down in the shelters , and eventually the bottom of our flats was reinforced with beams and concrete , and people sheltered there instead . But I could never settle after that and whenever there was a raid I used to walk the streets . I couldn 't go back underground . My dad used to say to me , " You be careful , son " . Until the worst was over I used to lie in the gutter . I was 15 then . The King and Queen came out to visit after the shelter - that was in 1940 - and they were just in the street next to us , and word went round like wildfire and we all flocked round . I stood within a few feet of them . The Queen was all dolled up - she was the Queen ! They were answering questions and commiserating , and asking how people were . It helped morale to know they had come , gave encouragement . Everyone was saying , " Innit it marvellous , the King and Queen ! " The King was in uniform , and I saw he had pancake make - up on , to give him a bit of a tan . Everyone was wan in those days . We eventuallThere were REME barracks up at Mill Hill , and tanks would go up and down . It was a mile walk to the school , and all of us boys would get a lift on a tank whenever we could , hanging on all round it . GS I was 13 ½ when war started , and I lived up Pioneer Road . I remember lying in bed when one of the adjacent houses was completely destroyed . I went to Barton Road School , and I was evacuated to Monmouthshire . But I came back to Dover in 1940 , and I worked at Montague Burton , starting as an apprentice . One Sunday afternoon the shop was destroyed ; the shell hit the electrical and gas mains and blew the shop to smithereens . The site is still derelict now . It 's a good thing the shell wasn 't the next day , or I wouldn 't be talking to you now ! JW My mum was out in an air raid . It was her lunch hour and she wanted to go home . She was cycling over the viaduct when a shell exploded right near her and her friend . They were blown off their bikes and covered with dust and rubble . A man came running over to them . His face was absolutely white with shock . He said , " I thought you 'd had it ! " He helped them get up and dust themselves down , and then they went home . My grandmother was absolutely furious . She called my mum every kind of fool under the sun for being out during a raid . But eventually my mum got shell - shocked . She went down in the caves and wouldn 't come out again , and they had to send her meals down there to her , until she was called up for munitions work . MW The V1 came on 13 August 1944 . When we first heard them and then the silence followed by a loud bang we wondered what they were . Then we saw them , and we knew that if we could hear them it was all right , but when they went silent we ran like hell for shelter as we knew they were coming down to explode . Lots of them passed over the town , and a great number were shot down by ack ack guns on the cliff tops or air craft . Sometimes we saw an amazing sight . A fighter plane would come out of a steep dive to gain speed and then fly alongside the V1 flying bomb . then he would place his wing under or over the V1 wing and by tapping the V ! wing would cause it to turn away . Sometimes it went back to France . It didn 't happen often but when it did we let out a big cheer . JC " My mother , Gertrude Ellen Whitehead was in the WRNS , serving with HMS Penns on the Eastern Arm of Dover Harbour . I understand she cooked for the sailors belonging to the torpedo boats , and that the Duchess of Kent came to visit them . . She lived at Winchelsea Terrace , and I remember her telling me that she saw the first Doodlebug go over ; next day the newspapers explained it was Hitler 's rocket . Her sister - in - law , who lived in Lambton Road , Dover , was 6 years old when the war started , and remembers seeing a doodlebug explode in the sky . She also remembers a property in Randolph Road being hit , and losing the side of the house . she knew a family called left : two of her friends , Win and Mabel My mother was in the tunnels at the Castle towards the end of the war . She was in the plotting room . Sometimes they would be talking to a pilot and then suddenly there would be silence ; the radio had gone off . They knew what that meant . She hated it in the tunnels , sometimes not seeing daylight for weeks on end . Through all the war Dover was the only place she had to wear her tin hat . CA They were wonderful , the women . You don 't hear much about their role , but they kept the country going , while the men were away . It was total war ; everyone was involved . They did all the jobs , and looked after the children too , and they were often hungry . We couldn 't have done it without them . Then , when the men came back , they told the women they were too silly to do the work ! RJ I recall one lunchtime , which I think may well have been Christmas as the shelter was crowded with family . The siren had sounded and we had decamped to the Anderson shelter . As my mother brought the freshly - cooked rabbit and vegs to the shelter steps , she suddenly stopped , and said , ' What 's that funny noise ? ' . The rest of us knew exactly what it was , but my mother could have many senior moments . It was a whistle , which ended in a very loud and nearby CRUMP ! Lunch went flying - Over her ! Into the shelter ! On the shelter ! And into the next garden ! I presume that we went hungry . But I do recall the gales of eventual laughter . It was always like that at G ' ma 's home . Poorer than Church mice , but always happy . Four shells landed on houses in Eastbrook Place just off Castle Street . The houses were still standing but badly damaged . I always remember seeing the elegant furniture and curtains . All badly damaged houses were eventually pulled down and the contents just put onto lorries and taken to the tip up St Radigunds . As the lorry went up the hill we would jump on the back , and rummage through the contents , and then as the lorry got to the top we would jump off again . JC I used to save the money I earnt as a delivery boy and go into Curry 's in the town to buy Meccano . I was talking to the man in the shop , and there were four giant explosions . He dragged me under the counter . The last explosion blew in the window ; there was glass in the shop and in the road and the window display was scattered in the road . Fire engines and ambulances were rushing past . When I tried to go back to the bus station there were craters in the road and water coming out of the ground . I will always remember there was part of a Lipton 's sign that had been blown off at the bottom of one crater . I was looking and a policeman came along and said , " Come on , you don 't want to look at this . " There were no buses running . I had to walk home to St Margaret 's , all the while not knowing if another shell would come . It was the day the East Kent garage was hit . If I hadn 't stayed talking to the man in the shop I would have been there . I was evacuated just after that , to Mayfield in Sussex , and was away eight months . My family went to Tonbridge afterwards . FS I was there in the shelter in the garden when the Paynes were killed by shell . They had been sheltering in the Morrison when the house was hit . The ground all moved . ME They had the sirens ; if there was shelling there were two sirens , and if there was an air raid it was one siren . We went to the pictures , to the Plaza . My mum always said that if there was a raid I was to come home . You wouldn 't always hear it , in there , so they used to put it up on the screen , " Shelling in Progress " . We had to come out , and so we went back home up the steps by the Priory Station . We stood there and watched the shelling . I saw St James go up in smoke and flames , and all go down into rubble . EK When we heard the syreen ( this is the way it was pronounced ) we would go up onto the allotments behind . From there we could see the flash , and we 'd wait to see where the shell landed . If it landed in Folkestone we would stay out , as the guns took a long time to turn so we knew we wouldn 't get shelled that day . But if it landed on Dover we 'd go into shelter as quick as that ! ME The shell landed between Oswald Road and London Road , and the back of the house was blown out . All I can remember happening was a great bang , and I woke up sixteen hours later in my uncle 's house . BB There was a field , up beyond Aycliffe , and all the children used to go up there and sit on the fence and watch the planes fighting . They 'd be cheering and calling , encouraging them on , and if one of ours shot down one of theirs they 'd do a huge cheer NC The seafront was all blocked off , with wire along it . There were imitation landing barges there . The Germans thought the landing in France would come from there , and they came over and photographed them . But it was all just a decoy . EK They had tarpaulins over the barges , and they were all painted to look like craft . We saw a German plane come over , looking . It dropped some bombs and they went straight through the canvas . The canvas blew up in the air and then settled down again . The gunners on the cliffs shot the plane down , and it ended in the sea , outside the eastern arm . JC I can confirm that the canvas invasion barges at Dover in 1944 were decoys , to fool the Germans into believing the invasion would take place at the Pas - de - Calais . There were also blow - up rubber tanks and planes in many fields in Kent and Sussex for the same purpose . Also fake radio messages were ' leaked ' onto wavelengths the Germans monitored . Hitler refused to send some Panzer Divisions away from the Pas - de - Calais , so the scheme must have worked . BB For two months the Dover Sea Front and Docks had been " restricted areas " whither none could go without a pass . The barricades completely shut off the area from the view of the ordinary man in the street , and behind this screen there was intense activity , particularly during the hours of darkness . The Harbour was being filled with realistic looking " tank landing craft " which , in fact , were nothing more than painted cloth stretched over a framework and floated on barrels . From a distance it looked a formidable array of craft , and besides leading the enemy to think that Dover was being used as an invasion base it must have puzzled him how the vessels got there , for as each day dawned it was seen that more had " arrived " during the night . These craft were , in fact , made mostly at night and launched into the harbour from an apron opposite the Granville Gardens . Juan Pujol was a double agent , known as Garbo to the British and Arabel to the Germans . He had convinced the Germans that he had been able to recruit some 27 agents . In fact , they were all fictitious . Subsequently , three of his fictitious agents " reported " that there was an Allied army gathering in south east England , ready to invade at Calais . This ensured that the 12 German armoured divisions in the Pas - de - Calais would remain there , easing the Allied task on the Normandy beaches . The dummy landing barges in Dover were part of this deception . Another of Garbo 's fictitious agents " reported " that the Allies were grouping in Scotland to invade Norway . This ensured German troops in Denmark and Norway did not move south to reinforce troops battling the Allies in Normandy . From information displayed at Bletchley Park , home of the WWII codebreakers . Lord Haw - haw during a wartime propaganda broadcast announced that the German airforce had inflicted severe damage on a number of British naval ports , including " Hougham Harbour " . So when I was a child the small stagnant pond at Hougham village was known as Hougham Harbour ! JB left : " Hougham Harbour " , Broadsole Lane , West Hougham My most vivid memory is of the shell that exploded at the entrance to the Winchelsea shelters . I was just inside the door and there was a " whooompf ! " I went out and there was the biggest piece of shrapnel there I 'd seen . It had a brown copper band round it , which I know now was the driving band for the shell , and it was red hot . But a big man came along and said , " I 'll have that " and took it off me . DY - It landed quite close , and the heaving of the floor of the Anderson shelter threw me out of bed ! Having been hiding from the war in Wales it was all very exciting . I used to return home with my pockets full of shrapnel which we lads used to race for when we heard the clinking noise as it fell from the skies . BM Past where Buckland Hospital is is the area where they put all the things from the bombed houses . We used to see the lorries going up there , and they would take all the stuff , and they used to go slowly up the hill . So we would hop on the back and see what we could find , and I found some American stripes and sewed them on my jacket . JC Casualties I was sitting in the class room when there was a sudden loud bang , and shortly after we heard the sound of running feet then shouting . The next class was emptied of children , then we heard moaning . Our teacher told us to remain seated and went next door . A short period of time went by and our curiosity got the better of us . We put our chairs against the wood glass partition and peered into the classroom next door . What I saw I shall never forget : - on the floor lay two children , their faces covered in blood . The hand of the child nearest to us was hanging onto his arm by shreds . He lost his hand and his sight . The other lad escaped serious injury . They had found a butterfly bomb and were attempting to take it apart . ( more ) JC On 2nd Sept , about 2 o clock , the Germans were lobbing shells all the time . that was because the Canadians were advancing on them . We were in the shelter , and it was pitch black . There was an enormous bang . We lived at 14 Lowther , and it took out the backs of about eleven houses . Number 17 was destroyed , that was where Sheila Hare lived . She was killed and her mum badly injured . Mrs Ricketts and her daughter were safe in the shelter , but the Elkins and the Moats had to go to new accommodation . Our roof was taken off . There was an emergency mobile repair service . They 'd come and put a tarpaulin over to keep the rain out , and there was a clear plastic to put over the windows when they were all blown out . EK I was walking up near Randolph Road after a raid , and I saw a dead baby in the garden . CD There was a raid and a shelter got hit . There were three of us , lads , and we went running with our pitchforks to dig it out - it was all buried by earth . We dug and dug , and then we got to the entrance . We cheered - but then when we went in to see if anyone had been hurt or trapped , there was no one in there at all ! AE When I was at sea we were hit by a bomb . I was running to my station , and I saw a sailor all covered in white ; he was like a snowman . He was saying , " Help me ! Help me ! " I thought he was messing about , so I said , " Don 't be daft ! " and went on as I had to be at my station . It was only the next day , when I asked after him , that I learnt he had died . He had been scalded by the super - heated steam from the boilers and covered with the white soot from the funnel when the bomb had hit us . RJ I remember when the Alert was lost . My father went out deep sea , with the tugs , to look for survivors . He came in , about half past six or seven - it was dark - saying they were going to go out again the next morning . FL I remember there was a German pilot , brought into the police station round the back of the town hall . There were some farmers with pitchforks , and along he came with his hands up . There were about four of us boys there - we stuck our fingers under our noses , like Hitler 's moustache , and shouted , " Adolf ! Adolf ! " at him . He said he 'd got our names and would come back to get us ! JC Dunkirk My mother lived up at Archcliffe , and when it was Dunkirk the French were burning all the factories so the enemy couldn 't get them . She sat up there with her brother and could see across the Channel all the burning . NC I used to sit up on the cliff by the Drop Redoubt . I had a telescope and I used to look at the coast of France . Dunkirk was to the left , and I could see fires and explosions . I saw the ships coming across . My father helped the wounded soldiers off the boats . JL There was a lot of action around the time of Dunkirk . We 'd spend nights in the caves ; that was Barwick 's cave , in Snargate Street . Once I saw an enemy bomber , just 200 feet overhead . It thundered over . It was so low because it was trying to escape the gunfire , the barrage of POM POM from the anti - aircraft guns . We 'd hear shrapnel clattering on the roofs ; the man opposite had his foot severed by falling shrapnel . I saw a mother dragging her child along to safety , the gas mask clattering and bouncing on the road as she ran . An air raid warden went to help her . They were very kind . It was very frightening though , and I wished I had a gun to shoot back at these people who were trying to hurt us . That 's the way you feel , when you are very frightened . JL I was four when we were evacuated , and my brother , who was 9 , was put in a different valley from me . I remember standing on Dover Priory station with a gas mask in its cardboard box around my neck , a label with my name and address on attached to my coat , standing amongst hundreds of children and crying parents . DC2 You didn 't get much schooling in Dover during the War because the warnings always went off . You could see the flash across the channel and know you had a minute or so before the shell came over . I used to go up through the caves to school at Christchurch . One time I found an incendiary bomb in the ground and took it into the classroom to show everyone . They all scattered ! I had been evacuated first of all , to Cwmbran , but my mum brought me home again because I was suffering from malnutrition . The man of the family worked in a biscuit factory , and I 'd have to pinch the broken biscuits and the pies as well , because I was starved . If you asked the Mrs for another slice of bread she 'd cut it for you - but she 'd stare at you the whole time while she was doing it . We didn 't get much schooling there either , just sat and talked . RE I had a bad time when I was evacuated . I was only 9 , and wasn 't welcome in the family where I stayed . They made me work ; I had to look after the baby whenever a new one was born , and I had to shovel the cows ' manure too . They took my ration and anything I was sent . My jellies I had to cut up and roll in sugar , and then the family sold them as sweets . By the time I returned home I was nearly grown up . I never really had a childhood , and I never really knew my own family . MP When I was evacuated I had nothing but a little brown bag with string handles to carry my bits of clothes in , no gas mask or anything else like that . It took a long time to get there because we went up to London and then changed trains , and all the way we could see wounded soldiers from Dunkirk being looked after , and ladies from the Voluntary Service bringing them cups of tea . There were train loads of them . When we got there , we had to march through the streets , and it was dark . There was a babble of voices we didn 't quite understand , and as we went along , people chose who they were going to take home with them . Brothers and sisters couldn 't go together as girls and boys had to be separated . We didn 't get much schooling to start with because the schools were overcrowded , so we swapped around with the Welsh children , one week all mornings , the next all afternoons . Later more evacuees came from London too . I went to a family that was very respectable , and strict too , but I was well looked - after . The daughter of the family was like a mother and a sister to me ; she had an evacuee too , from London . I helped the family a lot round the house and the allotment when I wasn 't at school . By the time it came to my National Service when I was old enough , I was used to all the work and the discipline , so it wasn 't a shock for me at all . DT I was evacuated to South Wales . I was five and I thought I was going on holiday . But I realised in the evening when we were all in a playground waiting to be chosen . We were the last chosen , my brother and I - I think people didn 't want two boys . My brother was happy where he was billeted . He was with an elderly couple and they treated him like a son . I went to a mining family , and they had four or five kids already . They used to pinch the things my mum sent , and I had to help with all the chores . I can remember carrying the paraffin home and shifting it from hand to hand , changing it finger to finger as it was so heavy . I used to go with the other boys and watch all the miners ' they used to sit in big circles gambling - we used to spy on them . My mother eventually came and got a flat out there and we could stay with her . An2 I wasn 't very old when I was evacuated , but I can remember I was told off when it was my birthday . I invited all the local children round . My foster mother was very cross ; she said , " How am I going to feed all of them ? " An3 My sisters were younger , just 9 and 5 , and it wasn 't nice for them and my little sister was very upset . I couldn 't stay with them because I was a boy . But Wales for me was a great adventure . I loved it and was made very welcome . The daughter of the family was like a big sister to me . It took us 14 hours to get to Wales , and we had to keep stopping to let the trains with soldiers through . When we got there it was dark , and we heard voices that we didn 't always quite understand , and warm hands reached out from the dark and took ours , and we went home with them . JL We in Wales took in two evacuees , one for just a couple of days because he had nowhere else to go , and another one we kept for two years . We looked after him and he was included with the family ; he got presents at Christmas the same as we did . He was older than me ; I was five . RG During the second World War we went to Derbyshire to escape the shelling . We didn 't like it ; the people we stayed with were mean , and we lived on biscuits . I had to buy my sons biscuits to supplement the food or we 'd have starved . My older boy wouldn 't go to school there . We only stayed six weeks and then we came back to Dover . We used to go in the caves when there was shelling . We lived at 171 Clarendon Street then . Anyone who was on leave could come to stay with us . We would sleep in the armchairs , so the soldiers could have a good night 's rest in bed . LB I stayed with my Gran in Dover , and my mum worked in London . She was riveter in an aircraft factory . I didn 't want to be evacuated so I ran away with the McGuire brothers . They were great friends , Alan and Lenny . We hid for three or four days in the hills . As young boys we knew the Western Heights and we got into the Heights , there was an underground barracks and two disused little rooms . That 's where we stayed , and there was a grocer , Mr Bailey , at the end of the street . He had an open shed full of goodies , and that 's how we managed . When I went back my Gran gave me a good hiding , and then she gave me a big cuddle , and said , " You stay here with me . " DY In December 1943 , the Dover Express reported that children were steadily returning from evacuation , and that in Dover there were 2156 children in schools ( compulsory full - time education had resumed on 31 August 1942 ) , and only 340 in South Wales . Despite objections by the town council , six schools were re - opened in October 1941 and 600 children between the ages of eight and fourteen received 90 minutes instruction per day . Aftermath We had to leave Dover during the war , and the soldiers were billeted in our house . We still had to pay for it , though . When we came back the mess was terrible . They had thrown all their opened cans down into the cellar , even some with food still in , and it was crawling with rats . It took us a long time to get the house straight and clean again . EH The German PoWs worked on laying the sewer pipes all down Glenfield Road , to serve the prefabs . They would make wooden toys and exchange them for a couple of cigarettes . We saw the prefabs arriving on lorries and being taken up there , all flat . ME The prefabs weren 't built until 1946 . I could kneel up on the window sill and see my dad playing football at Crabble . You can 't now - the trees have all grown up . NC We used to play on the bomb sites , before the Belgians came to rebuild houses . The Belgians all wore clogs . MK We used to play on all the old bomb sites . Burlington Hotel , part of that was left standing , and you could go up the stairs . They were fixed to the wall , but the other side was open air . We went up right to the roof to play . Then a policeman spotted us and came up after us . He was a special , and lived down Castle Street . He told us to get down . He went down the stairs dead slow , hanging on , but we were bounding down like a barrel of monkeys . There was the old swimming pool too , and that used to fill up every time the tide came in . We 'd get in there and play . We didn 't go in the water - it was all muddy , and there were bits of glass and who knows what else , and crabs , but we got some doors and made floats out of them , and floated about in there . There was a sluice , it used to be filled that way , all filtered , and I suppose someone had left the sluice open or it got damaged in the war . Old St James church , that got hit , and we used to play around there . We 'd go up the tower - there were bits of wood hanging off , and a bell . One day a cat got stuck up the tower . That was the first time I did a 999 call , and the fire brigade came out . There must have been about twenty of them . They got the ladder up and then the cat got halfway down the tower , slipped through a slit in the wall , and disappeared across the roofs . . We never let on it was us who made the call . There was the boat beached . It had shells on it , no heads but all the cordite , and they were gradually unloading them onto the shore there . When the sentry nipped off for a pint , we nipped in and pinched the shells , getting the cordite out . We lit some , in a milk bottle , and it went up . Then we thought we 'd put several bits in a bottle and and we put it behind a wall , about two to three feet high , and we lit them and ran . It went woooof ! The wall just toppled . We didn 't do it again after that - too dangerous ! JC I became an apprentice at the Post Office at Dollis Hill . If you were an apprentice you were a kind of non - person . You didn 't exist and were allowed to wander anywhere . You were supposed to be learning , you see . But there was one place no one was allowed to go . That was where Tommy Flowers was working . He was " Mr Flowers " to me , of course . He was a right " GorblimeyAda " . It was only a long time afterwards I found out he 'd been working on Colossus . He put a lot of his own money into that . EL I was an engineer . Where I worked , every now and then my boss 's boss would get a ' phone call in his office . Then he would put the ' phone down and walk off down the street , and he would ring a number from a public ' phone box . It was all in case people were listening in . We didn 't always know what we were working on . One time I worked a fortnight on centrifuges . No one said why and we never thought any more of it . We learnt much later that these were for the atom bomb . I 'm not under the Act any more , so I can say this . GS We came all the way through with rationing , and then after the war the weather was against us . The rain killed all the wheat , so we had bread units . The bread went on ration and you used to have to take your book to the bread shop and he 'd tear the coupons out . Then the next winter - that was a terrible winter . 1947 . You couldn 't get the coal out . It was frozen solid . All the railways stopped . I passed the 11 - plus and my dad got me a bike . I had to ride three miles to school each day . My bike was a Raleigh , and I went all through that . I never came off . MNC |
I don 't blog anymore . I just don 't . It 's not because my life has gotten any better , it hasn 't . It 's because Facebook is just easier to get that instant gratification . We have a new dog . Rusty wasn 't working out . He kept tackling Jacob anytime that he went out the back door , and we were prisoners to the dog . He was also a biter . I could almost live with the holes he dug in the back yard , the constant jumping , and no grass , but the biting was the last straw . When we went camping , one of my aunts brought up her new puppies , Jugs . ( Jack Russell Terriers and Pugs ) They were SO cute , and not at all what I thought a pug - mix should have looked like . My aunt had gotten her puppies from my other aunt . The next time I saw my aunt I waltzed up to her and said , " Hey , I LOVE your Jugs . " People who didn 't know what I was talking about looked at me like I was nuts . Anyway , long story short , she gave us her last Jug puppy . She wanted to keep him , but had too many other dogs and her work wasn 't helping either . He came named , however . His name is Fenton ( after the dude who hates Fez on " That 70 's Show . " ) He is lots of fun , and has the sweetest personality . He does get extremely hyper at times , but we all giggle when he chases his tail or runs in fast circles in the middle of the floor . The boys love him ( almost too much ) and he loves them . No matter what they do to him , he doesn 't snap at them , or hurt them ( unless he 's playing . . . ) Which leads me to my next update : Jake almost lost his right ear a few months ago . I was canning plum jam ( from our AMAZING plum tree and at a good friend 's house ) and didn 't pay attention to Jacob playing with Fenton . Fenton got a little rough , and scratched Jake 's ear . I didn 't think much of it , because Jake is quite dramatic , and he cries a lot . Soon I checked it though , and noticed his ear was sliding down . Thankfully , I got an appointment at our pediatrician 's office and they glued and steri - stripped the boy 's ear . He now has a slight bump , but is doing well . He 's also more careful around the dog . Cameron turned 12 last month . It was a huge milestone . He became a deacon and passed the sacrament at church for the first time . He got a little turned around the firstThursday , July 26 , 2012 I have had a couple of funny kid moments happen tonight , I MUST preserve them ! ! At dinner , Cam was nearly in tears . Summer school ended today and the child is highly anxious . He looked at me and on the verge of tears said , " Mom , what are we going to do for the rest of the summer ? " I stared at him , blankly , and replied , " Nothing . " He started to cry at this point and said , " REALLY ! ? " Cameron looked at me dubiously and asked , " Really , mom . What are we going to do ? " Jake said , " SIT ON OUR THUMBS ! ! " I said , " Yup , we 'll sit on our thumbs , maybe we 'll have a farting contest . . . . " At this point , I made a disclaimer , " IF you try TOO hard , you might poo , but it could be fun . . . . " Then Jake and I strained and made funny noises . . . . Jake then said , " Um . . . . I peed . " Yup , he 'd peed his pants trying to force a fart . Guess that will show me not to tease when I can 't live with the consequences . Then after bathing Jake and putting him in pajamas ( the previous conversation happened at the dinner table . . . . I know , totally appropriate , right ? ) he came over to me , leaned on my arm and said , " Mom , I figured out why dad 's DS won 't work . " Earlier I had tried getting Steve 's Nintendo DS to work so that Jake could play with it . . . it wouldn 't work for ANYTHING . I 'm sure that there 's some glob of goo in there that 's throwing things off . Anyway , I 'd given up . So I asked Jake why he thought it wasn 't working . He looked RIGHT into my eyes and said , " It 's because I 've been playing it for FIVE years . " I coughed a bit and said , " What did you say ? " Steve had been telling me for a while that he 's wanted a dog for his birthday . Initially I said NO ! After the kitty problems at Christmas - time I was not prepared mentally for a pet . Then I started looking at dogs online and thought , " why not . " ( Sometimes I wonder why I think like this . . . ) Anyway , my brother called me one night and asked if we wanted a dog . I told him that we might , but Steve should approve it , since it would be HIS birthday present . My brother took the dog over to Steve ( who was working at the time ) and Steve fell instantly in love . He brought the dog home that night ( around 3 am . . . it was a VERY long night . ) In the last month we 've had quite an adventure . We went through many names before settling on Rusty . He is named that because he has rust colored spots on his face and legs . The boys love him . The first thing they do when we come home is run to the back door and ask Rusty if he missed them . The dog reciprocates by jumping on them and whining or barking . After one day the dog had officially accepted us as his people . He loves the boys ( which is HUGE , since they 're not always nice to him ) and he REALLY loves me . The sad part is that he doesn 't love Steve as much . Right now the dog is going through puppy acts and teething . He bites and chews on nearly everything . Just today I found a Nerf football SHREDDED under the computer desk . I have plenty of dog toys and raw hides for the dog , but he prefers Jake 's toys . He is a fun dog , but not quite as bright as he could be . . . . I feel bad that I don 't post here very often anymore . I wonder if it 's time to put the blog to bed , and start up with a regular journal . Something to think about . . . About a month ago , I had one of the most special experiences EVER , and I don 't know why I forgot to share it here , but now MUST be the time . After Time Out for Women , I was on a Spiritual high . I was happy , I was also working on the whole forgiveness thing , but things were about to get MORE Spiritual , and MORE emotional . I was invited to go to the Women 's prison for a special fireside put on by one of my good friends . She was going to share her personal story with these women about her journey from prison bars to temple walls . I have to admit , when I first volunteered to go to the prison , read through their list of rules and filled out the papers , I was SO nervous . What kind of place was I going to ? Were the women going to bully me ? Were they all scary looking , covered in tattoos with piercings and short spiky hair ? What was I getting myself into ? All of those emotions left me as we pulled into the parking lot . I was more excited to hear my friend 's amazing story , and help support HER . She was so nervous , and who could blame her , really ? She was reliving all of those emotions she 'd had when she had gone to prison the first time . We reassured her that this time she would be able to leave WITH us , and that she was there to inspire those women . She was doing a good thing , and we would be with her 100 % . We walked through the metal detectors , got scanned , then waited to be let inside . We walked the blue line to the gym to find that some inmates had set up the chairs , ready for our arrival . My friend asked us ( my friends J and D ) to sit on the front row , right where she could see us , then began one of the most precious , amazing things I had ever attended . Before my friend spoke , we got to shake hands with some of the women . It was against the rules to hug or give them items , so a friendly smile and handshake were ALL that we could offer . Many women looked just like anyone else I would meet . Neatly combed hair , beautiful eyes . . . . the only difference was that these women were wearing jumpsuits . As my friend told of her story and the miracle that is the Atonement of Christ , I felt the spirit of these women . THEY were the ones who were humble and teachable . They were amazing to behold . After my friend spoke , the women were allowed to share their testimonies or experiences . I didn 't have enough tissues to wipe the tears that were shed . These women now felt hope and strength that someone had been where they are , and came out on the other side with hope and happiness . I learned a lot about judging others . I learned that we are truly all children of God . That he loves us all unconditionally . He wants ALL of us to repent and return to live with Him . There is hope for all of us , those with big , red , ugly sins , and those who only have the red kind . He truly will forgive us all , and loves all of us . A month later I barely remember the names of the women we met . I don 't remem2 comments : We 've had an adventure today already . . . . and it 's only 9 : 30 . I woke up a little earlier than I usually do and went upstairs . Cameron got ready and the morning started pretty typical . Then when Cameron was dressed , he came into the family room and said , " Mom , I keep hearing meowing . " I said , " Oh , it 's probably outside . . . . " and then I heard it . It was in my house . I listened to figure out where it was , and once I opened up my fireplace insert , I knew . The cat was stuck IN my chimney on top of my insert . I have to admit , I freaked out a bit . The boys were cooing to the cat while simultaneously asking if we could keep the cat . I didn 't know what to do or who to call . I went and woke up Steve . I told him there was a cat stuck in the chimney , and asked him what we should do . He groaned and I told him , " No , really . . . . there 's a cat stuck in the chimney . " I immediately got on Facebook , asking for advice . Someone suggested that we call the non - emergency police or animal control . Well , I decided to call the police and then maybe THEY would direct me where to go . It turns out our local non - emergency number is also animal control . The dispatcher promised to find someone to come out . About a half hour later ( Steve had been working on getting the cat out the whole time . . . ) animal control arrived . Jake instantly hugged the man , I 'm sure it was because he knew he 'd save the kitty . Then they went to work . Mr . Animal Control had a 6 foot long noose stick that he tried to grab the cat with , but it wasn 't long enough . He called for the longer stick . At this point , Cameron was gone to school , and we had 3 people working on the problem . I called my mom and asked to borrow a drill of some sort in case we needed to remove our insert to save the cat . My brother had something , and I left to get it . When I came home , Animal control was gone , and the cat was out . We had thought that it was a kitten that had gotten stuck , but it was a full - grown fluffy , gray cat . The cat had a collar , so it has an owner . . . . I was told once the cat got out that it wanted to run . ( Who could blame him ? ) We now need to get some chicken wire and cover our chimneys , otherwise this will happen to us , again ! ! ! No comments : . . . parenting , that is . Monday night we had a big blow up with Mr . Cameron . In the last year he 's shot up about a foot or so in height , he 's inches from being as tall as his short mother . When I have to drag him anywhere ( which isn 't very often ) it looks ridiculous . Anyway , he refused to come home with me from Grandma 's house . I gave him multiple chances , and finally I 'd had enough fighting , so I drove home . . . . leaving him screaming on my mom 's front yard . I couldn 't very well drag him into the car . . . he 's getting too big , and WAY too old for that . I was reamed the whole way home by a certain - almost - 4 - year - old , and I told that same boy that you do NOT treat your mommy badly , or something like THIS would happen . I got home and called Steve to pick Cameron up , and told him what happened . He was NOT happy . . . at all . Earlier in the evening my mom had mentioned that if Cameron wasn 't good , then he couldn 't go out to dinner with us the next night for my youngest brother 's birthday , so I figured that was as good of a punishment as any other , and grounded Cameron from the birthday dinner . I was scared . I 've never left my kids at home alone for ANY reason . I thought about hiring a babysitter , but remembered that it was mutual night ( when youth between 12 - 18 participate in fun activities at our church ) . I couldn 't pull anyone away from that . So I decided that it was time he stayed home alone , after all , why should I be punished for his tantrum ? I prepped the boy all afternoon . He could watch TV , if he got scared he could even go to my bedroom . . . . Then came the time to leave . I left a sticky note on the computer monitor with Steve 's cell phone number , told him to only call in case of an emergency , and then I left . The sad face chased me out of the house . I wanted to run to him , tell him how sorry I was for being so tough with him , and hug his little body , but I couldn 't . I 'd said something , and I NEEDED to stick with it . If not for HIS sake then for mine . I had to practice singing a song with some ladies , so I went to dinner lateLabels : I was in the mood for something new , so I asked my favorite hair - stylist to cut me short with something fun . I can say that I absolutely LOVE this hair cut . I haven 't had something this fun in YEARS ! ! ( And the best part was getting all of the compliments at church yesterday . . . . can we say " ego boost ? ! " ) For a while now , I 've been struggling with my bitter feelings for another . I had thought that I had already forgiven them and moved on , but when I saw this person I was suddenly overcome with feelings of anger and bitterness . I was NOT pleasant to be around . I thought bad thoughts about the other person , and I KNEW that I needed to truly forgive and move on . I mentioned Time Out for Women and Sister Pierce 's talk . I was already working on these feelings . The bitterness was more in my heart than in my head . I already KNEW what I needed , but I needed my heart to agree . Then came General Conference . It was marvelous . There were SO many talks that spoke to this exact subject . Forgiveness . It was something that I must have needed to hear . On Sunday morning one talk hit me particularly hard . It was from President Uchtdorf . I must admit , I have a bit of a crush on him , and I love to hear his talks . He always makes me feel happier and more uplifted after his sermons . That was all it took for me . I thought about how silly I 'd been , harboring these rotten feelings and feeding them over and over . . . . stop it . I thought about how I 'd perceived the actions of this other and realized that it was most likely my bitter attitude that made her seem so angry . I 'd decided that I had better give her the benefit of the doubt and move on . And that was the main key : I CAN MOVE ON ! I don 't have to worry about her life . I don 't have to feel angry that she 's having happy things happen to her . I can simply live my life , wish her well , and move on . I feel like a 2 - ton weight has been lifted . It 's SO wonderful . Since I 'm not crafty , I tend to " borrow " from others . On this blog , there are many of the top quotes from Conference . I 'm definetly sharing my new one : This weekend was quite eventful for me . I attended Time Out For Women , a religious event held annually . I 've never gone before , but my new friends in my church encouraged me to go , so I did . I had NO idea how wonderfully I would be spiritually fed . It was absolutely wonderful . Friday night 3 speakers participated : John Bytheway , Virginia Pierce , and Macy Robison . John Bytheway is ALWAYS fun to hear . He makes me laugh so much . That night 's topic was marinating yourself in the good . ( You might have needed to hear the talk to get the topics . . . ) Virginia Pierce is the daughter of President and Sister Hinckley , she SO looks like both of them . Her topic hit me RIGHT between the eyes : forgiveness . It was absolutely wonderful . Then Macy interspersed the evening with song and her story . It was wonderful as well . I left feeling VERY uplifted and thrilled for the next day . A little aside , I was a carpool driver for ladies in my ward . I 'm VERY new , and don 't know where people live . . . . yet . I was left alone with my last person , who happens to be blind . SWEET , sweet woman . Anyway , I had picked her up earlier in the day , so I had a general idea of where she lived . Anyway , I took her to the house and told her that I was dropping her off in the driveway . She was fine with that , and I waited as she walked to the house , felt around a bit , then turned and walked back . I asked her if something was wrong and she said , " That screen didn 't feel like mine , I think we 're at the wrong house . " Oh , my GOSH ! ! I was so thoroughly embarrassed . I quickly found out that I had dropped her off one house too early . ( If there was a forehead slapping emoticon , I 'd use it here . . . . ) She was very sweet about it , and I literally laughed the way home . It was QUITE funny , and I can now say that I will NEVER forget where she lives . . . . EVER ! The next day I had breakfast with my ward ladies and then we went to the event . The whole day was just wonderful . I thought for SURE that it would drag on , but it went by super quick . The rest of the speakers were : Jericho Labels : Two weeks ago , I got a call from my mom . I could tell she was upset . She told me that my grandpa , her dad , had died . I was in shock . He has been living in a facility for the last 3 years and my mom mentioned that he 'd been falling down lately . He also had dementia / Alzheimers . It was hard to see him forget things . On Thanksgiving I was taking him home . It took him 15 minutes to figure out how to climb into my car . I was frustrated because he wouldn 't allow me to help him , and so after 12 minutes I went inside to get a step - stool , by the time I got out he was in and buckled . I 'd actually spent quite a bit of time with him because my mom and uncle made sure that he was included . The last time I talked to grandpa I was picking up my uncle from his weekly visit . Grandpa was sitting in his chair watching Disney Channel . ( My uncle 's idea , I 'm sure . ) I gave grandpa a hug and kiss like I always did and he invited me to stay . I told him that I had to get my boys home and in bed , but that I loved him and would see him later . Nothing big , but I do feel bad . We had all the family here last week . That was fun . We stayed up late talking and laughing . It took quite a toll on my little 3 year old . He 's been grumpy and throws tantrums at the drop of a hat . I think once he catches up on his sleep things will mellow again . Cameron took it hard . He knew what death was and cried . I told him that things were going to be okay , because grandpa was with grandma again and he could remember . That 's the thought that got me through the week leading up to his funeral . He was happy . I knew that . Then came the viewing . I wasn 't there , but mom and dad took Jake with them . I hadn 't discussed any of this with him because he 's too young to understand and I didn 't want to make him unduly sad . When he saw Grandpa in the casket , he said , " That 's GRANDPA ! " Then he was sad . My mom explained that he was happy and with grandma again . Jake then said , " But why did he have to die ? " How can you answer that one ? The viewing was quite fun . . . as grandma 's had been . We laug1 comment : I hate that my blog has become something I don 't update nearly as often as I probably should . This month has just FLOWN by . I blame it on all the orthodontist and dental visits . Cameron has been seeing the orthodontist for a few years now . A few years ago , they told me that he would most definitely need braces ( he literally has a tooth on the roof of his mouth and his canines are so far UP or DOWN on his gums it 's ridiculous . . . ) They quoted me a price and we let it go . I wanted to pay for the braces all at once , because there was a 10 % discount . Who wouldn 't love to save nearly $ 500 ? Anyway , we put it off a few years , and at his last appointment , the orthodontist told us that he would be ready to go at his next appointment , and we should set up our payments . Thank heaven for tax refunds . . . . but boo that over half of the refund went to pay for braces . Anyway , Cam had been playing with his space - maintainer . He 'd flicked it with his tongue so much that it was standing up instead of laying down . I called the orthodontist and we went in the next day . After the orthodontist checked him out , he called me back . He said , " He 's good to go on the braces , and doesn 't even need this space maintainer . " Then he pulled out the little bar and we were off on the braces train . I paid for the braces . Biggest , ugliest check I 've ever written . Then we set up the appointments . I figured his teeth would need to be cleaned , so we set up a dental appointment . He had a cavity and instead of fighting him in the office , they set him up for a dental surgery . We 've done the dental surgery MANY times in the past , but we went to a new facility . They wanted a doctor 's approval before surgery , and the surgery was kind of quick notice , so we saw the dentist , went to the doctor , and then did the dental surgery all in 2 days ' time . He did well , and was good to go . Today we got his x - rays , molds and spacers placed . Next Monday he 'll be getting the braces . He 's excited . . . . he doesn 't know WHAT he 's in for . On top of Cam 's dental problems , Jake 's had issueLabels : Yesterday , Jake and I went to the store . As soon as we got to the produce section , we saw something interesting . It sort of looked like a pomegranate that had a bad hair day . We were looking at them when someone who works in the produce section came up to talk to us . He said they 'd cut up one the day before to try it , and it looked like a pale kiwi on the inside and tasted pretty bland , kind of like an apple or pear . I 'm ALL for new foods , so we bought two . ( Mostly because I really wanted Cameron to see this funny fruit . ) Jake marched through the store talking about our dragon fruit . Today I cut it up to eat it for lunch . I have to admit , I 'm not a huge fan . It 's REALLY bland , and would probably be best if put into a fruit salad where it can look pretty , because that 's what it does best . . . . look pretty . 1 comment : For the past month , Steve has been working on my Valentine 's Day present . I 've been frustrated , well , because I knew he was putting SO much work into it , and I knew my gift would pale in comparison . . . . yup , I was right . The vase says : " I 'll Love you until the last one dies " Yup , spoiled rotten . Happy Valentine 's Day ! ! No comments : I 'm doing a photo challenge for the month . It gives a different object / time / thing to photograph each day . I have SUCH a hard time taking pictures , so I figure that I should at least TRY to improve . Today 's topic was " front door . " I have one of those ! ! : ) Here 's my attempts . ( And yes , it 's all just for fun ! ) 1 comment : Yup , I 'm attempting to share more of my life with you all . This was our little adventure tonight : Steve wanted the boys to try Jack in the Box 's new shake flavor . . . . . bacon . YUP ! Bacon , as in " meat ! " It 's pretty tasty if you ask me . . . . but just ask my boys : And the second part . . . . Yes , we 're evil . Thanks for asking . I 've had a few experiences in the last week that have shown me that I can truly help others when I follow the Spirit . It 's been quite humbling and exhilarating at the same time to realize that I 've been the way Heavenly Father has been able to answer others ' prayers . On Sunday we mixed things up with our church schedule . Usually we go to Sacrament meeting , Sunday School and then Relief Society / Priesthood . This week we switched the last two hours . In Relief Society we watched a beautiful video about working on our own family history . . . . finding those of our family who belong to us . I " leaked " through the story about a couple with four teens . They were struggling and the husband admitted that they might get divorced . The video was following actual people , so it wasn 't a story that someone had written . Anyway , the couple worked on doing their family history together and began to get closer . Then at the end of the video the couple ended up getting sealed in the temple . It was absolutely a beautiful story . Then we went to Sunday School . I hate to admit , but all through church , I was feeling sleepy and thought I might fall asleep if I had to sit still through one more class . We started out with a very good discussion talking about whining vs . murmuring vs . speaking up . One brother talked about how his young son had whined that he didn 't want to go to his Primary class , then at that moment we heard loud whining in the hallway . His wife was out trying to wrangle that little boy and keep him happy and calm . We all kind of giggled at that , and went on . As we were going on a thought came to me , " You need to go out there and help . " It was VERY strong and VERY persistent . I calmly put my scriptures away , gathered up my big bag and went into the hallway . I saw the look of frustration on the mom 's face and asked , " Can I help you ? I feel like I need to . " She laughed and said that another sister said the same thing . We went to a table and pulled things out of my giant church bag . The things I had in there weren 't necessarily things Labels : * * Today I woke up with a thought , " Be productive . Do more than you have been . You can do this ! " So I woke up doing * some * of the FlyLady tips . I got out of bed , made my half ( the other half was being slept in by a cute man ) , went to the laundry room and found my clothes for the day , got dressed , combed through my mane of hair , then went upstairs and got to work . My mantra was different today too . Usually my only thought is , " Survive . . . . you can make it through this temper tantrum . Things will get easier once everyone is sleeping again . . . . " ( Yes , I say this all day long , and usually it just makes me more anxious and more uptight . ) Today my new thought was : " I am a powerful , yet under - control woman . I am the boss , CEO and leader of my family . I will show a good example and I will NOT fight . " For the first hour or so of the day , it worked . ( I have to admit , as my day went on , and fuses got shorter , my mantra changed to " It will be okay , you can try harder later . " ) Before Cameron went to school I had taken care of the kitchen garbage , fed Jake breakfast ( before the asking / begging began ) , set things up to do dishes and had calmly diffused 3 fights between the boys . GO ME ! All through the day I did little things : dishes , mopping the floors , sweeping , unloading boxes . . . . and I felt like I was QUEEN of the world . I had done SO much more than I 've been doing and it was wonderful . I do NOT want to lose my momentum . I mentally made the goal to wake up earlier than I do now and get myself ready before I have to get the boys ready . I 've also made a goal to sleep better . It will be hard , but I can do hard things . * * I 'm also extremely sensitive to comments right now . I don 't have ANY sympathy for people who are having pity parties , and don 't like being accused of having one myself . I had commented on a friend 's status on FaceBook , and someone said , " Oh , I think * * * * * wins the pity party . . . . " Like I was whining ? ? I thought what I said was funny , not whiny . I was less than pleased about it . Then I go to my favorite place online , whe2 comments : Jake was sitting on my lap ( like he likes to do ) and was being silly . Then I asked him , " Do you know what we should have for lunch ? " ( At this point , I 'd expected him to say a sandwich or noodles . . . . ) " Yes , " he said . " Really ? What ? " He hesitated for a second and then he exclaimed , " KANGAROO ! " Uh , erm . . . . " Silly boy , I didn 't get any of that . . . " " You 're the kangaroo . . . " Then he proceeded to " eat " me . No comments : We 've been in the house for a month , and you 'd think in that time , I 'd have everything JUST how I want it , right ? Well . . . . The kitchen is still mostly boxes and I don 't have my pictures hung . ( When I 've moved in the past , this is one of the first things I do . . . . but right now ? Not so much . . . ) I 'm still trying to figure out where I want things hung . It will come , I promise . . . . For now , enjoy the little tour : Living Room / Dining room : Jake 's bedroom ( where the toys are kept . . . ) Cameron 's bedroom ( where the books are kept , and for some reason , my craft dresser . . . ) Kitchen ( see , this is my main pile . . . ) Office area in the family roomRest of the Family Room New Year almost always equals new resolutions . Some may want a hot new bod , some want to be more frugal , others want to give more of themselves . . . . Me ? I want to be a better mommy and wife to those I see every day . I will admit , I 'm an angry person . When my kids do things they 're not supposed to , I yell and lecture them . When I need them to do something , I usually yell it at them , or plead over and over . . . . and then I get no results so I resort to yelling at them because I 'm angry . I 'm SO tired of it . Being angry so often is exhausting . My resolution WILL happen . . . it must . I want a happy home . I want to be able to tell my kids things and have them obey quickly and happily . So far today , I 've already yelled at the boys ( they woke up WAY too early , and fought for an hour , all the while banging and throwing things around and screaming and yelling . . . ) BUT I 've also tried to stay calm and talk to them instead of lecturing . I must learn to pick my fights well . I need to let the little stuff go and focus on the big picture . I can do this . . . . I MUST ! 2 comments : I 'm a stay at home mother of two . I have a busy life trying to keep my little family going . I love it and wouldn 't change a thing , most days ! |
INTRODUCTION : As a child , I loved to read fairy tales . Cinderella was my favorite . Recently a Christian sister mentioned to me something she 'd thought about Cinderella , and immediately it got me to thinking . I thought about the whole story , and in my mind 's eye I could see Cinderella at the ball dancing with the prince . I marveled at her petite glass slippers and the luxurious ball gown she wore . But , I also could see her before all the glitter . I saw the mistreated , poor , disheveled , girl as she went about her day , always with eyes geared toward the floor , performing the many demoralizing and outlandish tasks that were put upon her . I found myself to be most captivated by the new Cinderella ; the one at the ball , the one who would soon be called a princess . My mental vision , though , didn 't just stop with pictures of Cinderella . I saw another , probably much older than the girl Cinderella , in another situation . This girl also met a prince - no , not just a prince - she met the Prince , the LORD of the harvest ! This is the one the Apostle John wrote about in chapter 4 of his book - the one we call " the woman at the well . " My thoughts going a mile a minute , I began to write . I tried to picture the young woman , some of the things she may have done or gone through to get to the definitive points in her life . So , having reread both the Biblical story and the fairytale " Cinderella , " I came up with my own character , " Cinnerella , " to be called Ella , " for short …… . The Scripture : John 4 : 16 - 18 - - " Jesus said to her , " Go , call your husband , and come here . " The woman answered and said , " I have no husband . Jesus said to her , " You have well said , ' I have no husband . ' for you have had five husbands , and the one whom you now have is not your husband ; in that you spoke truly . " ……………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When a very young child , Ella 's mother read to her the story of " Cinderella . " . In fact , her mother loved the story so much that she named her daughter Cinnerella after the storybook character . Most of us know the whole story . We recoil at the antics of the wicked step mom and the stepsisters with big feet . The story gets even funnier when we read how the stepsisters cut their feet , slicing off pieces here and there , in an attempt to wear the slippers Cinderella wore to the ball , which she left while hurriedly trying to reach home before the appointed time the fairy godmother had given her ……………………………… . . When Ella was eighteen years old , her mother died suddenly , and unlike Cinderella , her father remarried . However , also , unlike the fairytale characters , Ella had no step sister or stepmother problems . She and her father 's new wife got along quite well . One night Ella had a dream about her mother . She saw her standing at the foot of her bed . She 'd had this same dream several times before , and always her mother would appear to be crying . This time , however , it was different . The dream still had her mother standing at the foot of her bed , only instead of crying , her mother was smiling . Ella woke up , but for a long time , she lay in the bed thinking about her dream . Her thoughts began to wander - finally coming to rest on thoughts of Cinderella , in particular , her favorite part - how her fairy godmother used her magic wand to turn a pumpkin into a carriage and rats into coachmen . In her thoughts about Cinderella , Ella tried to put herself in her place and imagined how she might have felt dancing in the great ballroom in all that splendor ! and with a prince no less ! From there , memories from another story her mother had read to her invaded her mind - the Creation story from the Book of Genesis . Ella recalled the very words her mother had read , ( Genesis 1 : 3 ) " And God said , let there be light . " Remembering this Scripture brought a smile to her face , as she mused - the fairy godmother used her wand and magical things happened - so the story goes . God spoke , " Let there be … , " and many things happened , which are true facts , beginning with the creation of the world . Tears filled Ella 's eyes as she recalled all the happy times she 'd had with her mother . Too , came the tears as she thought about some of the things she had done - things Ella she knew her mother would not be pleased with . On top of that , people she had known all of her life were looking at her in a different way and would have nothing to do with her . Thinking about this , Ella compared her situation , not the things she was doing , but the treatment by the townspeople , with that of Cinderella and her family . However , there was much difference in the two situations in that Cinnerella ( Ella ) was much the cause of her own predicament , while Cinderella had no control over her state . Ella had made some bad choices , and as a result , many of the town people had taken on a spirit of condemnation toward her . In other words , she was being put down by the people of her community because of wrong things she was openly doing . But really , these wrong things were wrong things Ella did to herself . They were sins because God said they were sins . El " Something needs to be done about that Ella . She gives a bad name to all women . " " Yes , " said the other , " It 's a shame we can do nothing , while our husbands just stand gawking every time she passes . " The women were so caught up in their gossip that Ella was upon them before they knew she was there . Ella didn 't say a word , but the women knew she 'd heard them , and their faces burned red with embarrassment ; so in order to avoid another such confrontation , she chose to walk the extra distance . Ella lived in a little Texas town called Pueblo , population 1 , 546 . A small mining town , Pueblo was situated off in a corner by itself - the nearest city being fifty miles away . She had lived in Pueblo all of her life , and it had never occurred to her to move away . This was home . She was born here , and more than likely , she would die here . She saw no reason to leave , reasoning that she 'd never be rich no matter where she lived , so she might as well stay where she was - where she was known , in case she got sick or got in some kind of trouble . She knew the people . She also knew that the women would always gossip , but she believed , with all of her heart , that if she ever needed any of them , they would come running to her rescue . Standing 5 ' 7 " in her stocking feet , Ella was a good - looking , shapely , woman . The men of the town loved looking at her , and more than one had ungentlemanly thoughts about her . Early in her life Ella had made herself a promise that she would be a virgin until the day she got married . Her mother constantly told her , " Don 't you go letting any man touch you unless you 're married to him . " Ella had all intentions of keeping the promises she mate to her mothr ; that is , until she met Denny . Denson Montana was a drifter , who 'd come to Pueblo to work in the mines . His intention , he told Ella , was to stay long enough to make some money , and then he 'd be on his way . Denson was a handsome man with jet - black hair and a dark , deeply tanned body . His piercing eyes , long eyelashes , and thick eyebrows , gave him a Latin look . When Ella met Denson , she forgot her vows , threw caution , along with her mother 's admonitions , to the wind , and the promises she 'd made to herself and to her mother all went out the window . Cupid , as the secular world puts it , shot his bow , and in less than two weeks , Ella and Denson became inseparable . The romance lasted two months and one day . Then , without a word , Denny , just like he 'd drifted in , drifted out , bag and baggage . Ella was left alone to bear the burden of hurt , shame , and worse , the wagging tongues of the townspeople . This was not a good thing for Ella because she made her living working in some of the homes in the area . Outwardly , she never let the slanderous gossip of the people get the best of her ; but inwardly , she cringed whenever she would pass any one of them . Still , as far as they knew , she really didn 't care . If she came face to face with any of them , she would smile , speak pleasantly , and , with eyes focused straight ahead , go on about her business . Eventually , the talk died down . Then Larry Johnson came into town . Larry was the extreme opposite of Denson . He was heavier - muscular , with sandy brown hair and green eyes . He was an average looking man - nothing special , but Ella found herself drawn to him . It only took about three weeks ; Ella let her passions get the best of her , and moved in with him . The affair lasted exactly four months and three days . One night while Ella slept , Larry stole away in the night . She never saw or heard from him again . This time the broken relationship wasn 't so easy for Ella to get over - this time she couldn 't fake it . Her heart was broken . The hurt cut deep into her soul . The townspeople could see the hurt in her eyes . This time there was no arrogance in her step ; but , though the people saw her pain , still they didn 't let up on her . Gossip rang from one end of town to the other . It was after the Larry affair that the women she worked for told her they could no longer use her . There was one particular incident that really affected Ella . Every year the town held their annual picnic - it was a big event for Pueblo . All year everyone looked forward to it and all pitched in to do their part to make it successful . Ella always participated by helping wherever she was needed . Not so , this time . Not only did the people , as gracefully as they could , refuse her help ; but , on the day of the picnic , when Ella arrived , all of their hostility and rejection seemed to permeate the air . At one point she saw someone she particularly liked and proceeded to walk towards her . But , when the person looked up and saw her coming , she turned away and began walking in another direction . This was just one instance . Ella tried not to let it bother her . A little while later Ella realized she was standing next to one of her mother 's good friends . She turned and said to her , " Isn 't this a beautiful day for a picnic ? " The friend never answered her , but rather started a conversation with another person as if Ella had not said a word . Even the children weren 't allowed to talk to her ; One day , as she sat on her steps , a group of children passed by , saw her , and immediately they began to chant , " Hey Sinner - Ella , Hey Sinner - Ella , " with much emphasis on the " Sinner . " Over and over they sang it until she finally got up and went into the house . The people didn 't seem to care that they might be hurting her - in fact , actually , they seemed oblivious to their very actions . Here was a young woman they had all watched grow from a child . And yet , judgment was causing them to treat her miserably . Perhaps they had never heard , or had forgotten what another verse written in Holy Word said about this very action . " For judgment is without mercy to he has shown no mercy . " ( James 2 : 13 ) Satan had blinded their eyes , and it was impossible for them to see , feel , or even think about what hurt the consequences of their actions might be causing for another human being . On top of this , it was impossible for them to even have a hint of the depth of shame Ella may be feeling because of the things she had done to herself and to her mother 's memory . But , lest the hurt and shame become unbearable - lest she might want to repent ; lest she might want to change her ways , sin sent another her way . Enters Roy Latham , who , after being in town for only a few weeks , meets Ella , and sinful passion flares again ! At first Ella tried to hold back - afraid to become involved - afraid of being hurt again . Roy though , with persistence and kindness , soon won her over . Still determined to be careful , Ella kept her guard up telling herself over and over again , " If he decides to leave , then so be it ; I 'll not be hurt again ! " But , this worldly love , this Eros , we humans so easily allow to ensnare and take us captive , has its own way of sneaking in . Before Ella knew what was happening , she was deeply involved again . Roy stayed with her for a year and six months ; then , Roy too , disappeared , never to be seen or heard from again . Poor Ella ! She just didn 't understand . She couldn 't see that as long as she kept doing what she was doing , she would always get what she was getting . And , it is a fact , the more we give into sin , the easier it becomes to sin . In comes Beasley . The episode with Beasley lasted exactly one month . Beasley Jacobs , just passing through , had stopped to visit relatives , saw Ella and stayed in Pueblo for two months . This short romance lasted almost as long as it took to get it started . It took a month to get it started and it lasted exactly one month . All of these things were going through Ella 's mind as she made her way to the facility . Now , there was Mark - a completely different story . Ella 's feelings for Mark were different than the others . She just knew she was in love this time . She wanted to be completely honest with Mark - she wanted to tell him all about herself , but for one reason or another , she just couldn 't get up the nerve . Mark had come into town about five months after Beasley left . There had been no crashing symbols when the two met ; in fact , Ella had almost decided she didn 't want to be bothered with anyone anymore , when one night , Mark knocked on her parent 's door and Ella happened to be there . He 'd come seeking her father 's help with tearing down an old barn next to the bungalow he was renting . Ella answered the door . They talked a few minutes about nothing and Ella left . The next evening Mark made a trip to Ella 's little house , and the next day , and the next , and from this , a new romance bloomed . Mark wasn 't like the other men who 'd been a part of Ella 's life - those who had just used her and then left her . He really loved Ella and wanted to marry her , but Ella couldn 't seem to make up her mind and would never give him an answer . This morning he had given her an ultimatum . Ella thought about the conversation they 'd had … . " Ella , " Mark said , " I love you and want to marry you . You may not care about what the people are saying about us , but I do - not for myself , but for you . You 've got to make a decision ! " Ella just didn 't know what she was going to do . Her mind preoccupied with her past and Mark 's ultimatum , Ella didn 't see the man sitting in the Laundromat with his feet stretched out before him , and she almost tripped over them . He moved , and Ella was able to stop just in time . She put the basket of clothes down on the floor , opened the machine and began to load her clothes , when the man spoke . " Excuse me maam , do you live around here , " " Well , I 'm a preacher , and tonight we begin our meetings under the large tent across the street . I was hoping that to see a lot of people that I could invite to come and join us . " " What kind of meetings ? " Ella asked . " Yes , when I was a little girl , my mama used to take me to church , but that was a long time ago . I can 't remember what it was like . Of course Mama always told me about Jesus . " Ella took a look at the man . What she saw pleased her . It wasn 't his looks , though he was very good looking . It was his eyes - they were so peaceful looking . A person could almost drown themselves in his eyes , Ella thought to herself . Aloud she said , " Okay , I 'll come to your meeting . " Ella didn 't reply to this last statement . She didn 't know what to say . Anyway , by the time he got the last words out , she was on her way down the hill . She 'd told Mark about the man at the Laundromat , and the meeting he 'd told her about , but he declined to come with her . So , at six o ' clock , Ella made her way into the big tent . At first she was hesitant to go in and , for a moment , even thought about turning around and going back home , but the preacher saw her and walked over to where she stood . He caught her by the arm and escorted her to a seat about four rows from the front . Ella looked around and saw many of the townspeople . Some of them smiled - some nodded , but all made it a point to let her know , in some way , that they 'd seen her . It didn 't take long for the tent to fill up . People were lined up all around the walls and on outside the door . The preacher walked to the front and stood before the congregation . " Good evening , " he said . " I 'm Brother Lawrence , and I 'll be doing the preaching here this week . I hope , for whatever reason you 're here tonight , you 'll leave knowing one thing - that is , that you have a Savior . " Ella smiled to herself ; she knew why she was there . The preacher , himself had invited her . Brother Lawrence went on , " I want you to join in with me and sing an old hymn , one I 'm sure you all know . If you don 't know it , then listen and catch the melody ; then you 'll be able to sing the chorus . Okay , we 're going to sing , ' I 'll Fly Away . " His strong baritone led them into singing the old classic . Ella didn 't know the song , so she listened … . " Some glad morning , when this life is o ' er , I 'll fly away ; to a home on God 's celestial shore , I 'll fly away . I 'll fly away , oh glory ! I 'll fly away . When I die , hallelujah , by and by , I 'll fly away . " Over and over they sang , " I 'll fly away oh glory … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " No sooner had they finished singing this song than someone began another . The words to this song touched Ella - they touched her very heart . " I once was lost in sin ; then , Jesus took me in , and then a little light from heaven filled my soul . It filled my heart with love , and wrote my name above , and just a little talk with Jesus made me whole . " One man sang alone , " Let us have a little talk with Jesus ; let us tell Him all about our troubles ; He will hear our faintest cry , and He will answer by and by . When we feel a little prayer wheel turning ; we 'll know a little fire is burning - and just a little talk with Jesus makes it right … . . " The preacher again took his stand in front of the congregation , behind the makeshift podium , and began his sermon . Ella was all keyed up from singing . Now everything was quiet . She looked around and saw every face focused attentively , expectantly , on the preacher . As he began to speak , the people sat quietly , as if mesmerized , feeding on his every word . For some reason , Ella began to feel a little uncomfortable . She wanted to leave , but she didn 't want to just get up and walk out and draw attention to herself . She just couldn 't seem to get into what he was talking about . She forced herself to listen , and then , suddenly , bingo ! A light went on in her head and she began to hear ! The more she heard , the more she wanted to hear . What had got her attention was the words , " whosoever believeth in Him , should not perish but have everlasting life " ( John 3 : 16c - d ) . All around , Ella heard the people talking back to the preacher saying , " Amen ! " " Yes sir ! " " Preach Brother ! " He had her attention too ! Then the preacher read , " There hath no temptation taken you but such is common to man . " ( 1 Corinthians 10 : 13a ) . " This means , " he continued , " that any and everything you have ever done , someone else has also done the same thing . " To support his statement , he read another Scripture , . " For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God . " ( Roman 3 : 23 ) . " But , " the preacher went on , " there is help ! From 1 John 1 : 9a he read , " If you confess , " that means to admit , " your sins , He is faithful and just to forgive you . " Ella was all ears . " Oh hear Him , Listen to Him , " the preacher urged . " Let Him come into your hearts . Let Him save you . Confess ! Tell Him what He already knows ! Repent ! Let Him know you 're sorry for the things you 've done . Tell Him you don 't want to do those things anymore . " Ella hung on his every word . Then , in his final minutes , he called to those , who , he said , were lost . " Come , before it 's too late , " plead the preacher . " All you have to do is confess . His Word tells us in 1 John 1 : 9 , " If you confess your sins , He is faithful and just to forgive you and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness . " Come , " he begged with outstretched arms - come while you still have time . " Someone began to sing another song , a song everyone seemed to know . Ella knew the song too ; her mother had taught it to her , and she sang loud with the congregation . " Just as I am , without one plea ; but , that Thy blood was shed for me …… " Many people stood and made their way down front to stand with the preacher . For a second Ella thought about going too , but quickly she pushed the thought from her mind . Mark was asleep . This time Ella didn 't crawl into bed beside him . Instead , she made herself a pallet on the floor in front of the window . For a long time she just lay there looking out at the stars . Tonight there were no troubling thoughts - tonight , a kind of peace had settled over her . After a while Ella fell asleep . For Ella , the next day 's meeting couldn 't come soon enough ; but , she managed to keep herself busy so time would pass quickly , and still , it seemed to take forever ! When it was finally time to go , without a word to Mark , she left , on her way to the big tent in the field . For some reason , Ella felt the meeting tonight had a special message for her . Whereas , the night before , she wanted to sing all night , tonight , she could hardly wait for the preacher to begin his sermon . Taking his postion , the preacher said , " Tonight , we 're going to study from the Book of John in the fourth chapter . We 're going to talk about " The Woman at the Well . " Ella smiled . She gave her full attention as he told the story - how Jesus got tired going through Samaria - how He had stopped to rest at the well , then the woman came along to get water , and Jesus asked her for a drink … . . " When he got to the part about the " living water , " he looked straight at her . She wished she had a Bible . The nearest person with a Bible was too far away for her to be able to read the page . Ella repeated the words , " If you knew the gift of God , and who it is that is saying to you , give me a drink , you would have asked of Him , and He would have given you living water . " ( John 4 : 10 ) The preacher read on , " Whosoever drinks this water ( earthly water ) shall thirst again ; but whosoever drinks the water that I shall give him shall never thirst ; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life . The woman said unto Him , Sir , give me this water , that I thirst not , neither come here to draw . Jesus said unto her , go , call thy husband and come here . The woman answered , I have no husband . Jesus said unto her , you have said well , I have no husband , for you have had five husbands ; and he whom you now have is not your husband ; in this you have spoken the truth . " ( John 4 : 13 - 18 ) Ella 's face burned red . She just knew all eyes were on her ! But , she was wrong - all eyes were on the preacher , and the preacher 's eyes were on her . A slight smile formed at the corners of her mouth as she fastened her eyes on him . He returned her smile , and from that moment on , Ella heard nothing else . The message was clear . Yes , this sermon had been for her . Ella couldn 't wait to get home and tell Mark . She left the tent before the congregation had finished the last song , " What a Friend We Have in Jesus . " She left running ; she had to get home - to tell Mark what had happened . She rushed to tell him about what she had learned - how the story of the woman at the well was almost identical to her very own life story . She rushed to tell him how God must have sent her to this meeting so she could see the wrongs she 'd done and was still doing - and she rushed to tell him yes , she would marry him . That night Ella 's life changed - that night Ella experienced the new birth - that night Ella Met Her Savior ! No more " Sinner - Ella ! " Tonight she also got a name change - she would now be called " Christian . " The next night Mark went to the meeting with Ella . The sermon was , " Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to your own understanding , " ( Proverbs 3 : 4 ) . The preacher closed his message with the Scriptures , " And now we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord , " ( Romans 8 : 28 ) and " Seek ye first the kingdom and its righteousness , and all these things will be added unto you , ( Matthew 6 : 33 ) . When the preacher gave the altar call , both Ella and Mark went forward . Together they joined the family of God . That night Ella and Mark decided they could no longer live together - that is , until they were married . The meetings were scheduled for only two more nights - they planned to be there both nights . The last night the preacher read Jesus ' words , " Take my yoke upon you , and learn of me ; for my yoke is easy and my burden is light . " Ella didn 't know Mark had an old , worn , Bible in the bottom of his trunk . He pulled it out and gave it to her . Immediately she searched until she found the story of " The Woman At The Well . " Aloud she read the entire story to Mark - finishing , with tears in her eyes , with the words of the story , " Come , see a man who told me all things I ever did . " There was a new life ahead for her Ella - a life with Jesus . Ella wanted this life with all her heart , and she knew that in order to have it , she must do as the preacher had read , " Trust in the Lord with all her heart , and lean not to her own understanding " ( Proverbs 3 : 4 ) . Needless to say , after a while , noticing the change in Ella , some of the townspeople began to have repentant hearts . " Perhaps , " they may have said , " We were wrong . " " Maybe we just might owe her an apology . " But , though their hearts may have prompted , they never apologized . It didn 't matter though , Ella 's life was now in the hands of the Lord . She didn 't have to be what the people thought her to be , and with the help of Jesus living on the inside of her , in the form of the Holy Spirit , she would prove it . As I come to the end of Ella 's story , I can see in my mind 's eye , Cinderella at the ball dancing with the prince . I can see the elaborateness and splendor of her surroundings , and here again , I can only imagine how she must have felt . All the mistreatment , all the snobbery , all the hurt , and yet , here she was , dancing with the prince ! One day she would wear an earthly crown . But , there is an even greater crown for Ella . There is a crown of glory , and not only for Ella , but for all who love Him ………… As the fairytale ends , we see Cinderella and the prince together . Cinderella would marry the prince and become a princess . Cinnerella ( Ella ) accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior and became a child of God . The fairytale always ends " and they lived happily ever after . " The Christian is promised to live forever happily . In her search for fulfillment , Ella had sought the wrong way . Jesus says in John 14 : 6 , " I am the way … . . " The Holy Bible has a story for every one of us . Here we find words that will both encourage and convict . Open it , find your story - perhaps you 're hungry - if so , then your story is in the Book of John also . Open it , find chapter 6 , verse 35 , and read about the " Bread of Life . " Yes , He 's that too ! The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters . com . |
INTRODUCTION : As a child , I loved to read fairy tales . Cinderella was my favorite . Recently a Christian sister mentioned to me something she 'd thought about Cinderella , and immediately it got me to thinking . I thought about the whole story , and in my mind 's eye I could see Cinderella at the ball dancing with the prince . I marveled at her petite glass slippers and the luxurious ball gown she wore . But , I also could see her before all the glitter . I saw the mistreated , poor , disheveled , girl as she went about her day , always with eyes geared toward the floor , performing the many demoralizing and outlandish tasks that were put upon her . I found myself to be most captivated by the new Cinderella ; the one at the ball , the one who would soon be called a princess . My mental vision , though , didn 't just stop with pictures of Cinderella . I saw another , probably much older than the girl Cinderella , in another situation . This girl also met a prince - no , not just a prince - she met the Prince , the LORD of the harvest ! This is the one the Apostle John wrote about in chapter 4 of his book - the one we call " the woman at the well . " My thoughts going a mile a minute , I began to write . I tried to picture the young woman , some of the things she may have done or gone through to get to the definitive points in her life . So , having reread both the Biblical story and the fairytale " Cinderella , " I came up with my own character , " Cinnerella , " to be called Ella , " for short …… . The Scripture : John 4 : 16 - 18 - - " Jesus said to her , " Go , call your husband , and come here . " The woman answered and said , " I have no husband . Jesus said to her , " You have well said , ' I have no husband . ' for you have had five husbands , and the one whom you now have is not your husband ; in that you spoke truly . " ……………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When a very young child , Ella 's mother read to her the story of " Cinderella . " . In fact , her mother loved the story so much that she named her daughter Cinnerella after the storybook character . Most of us know the whole story . We recoil at the antics of the wicked step mom and the stepsisters with big feet . The story gets even funnier when we read how the stepsisters cut their feet , slicing off pieces here and there , in an attempt to wear the slippers Cinderella wore to the ball , which she left while hurriedly trying to reach home before the appointed time the fairy godmother had given her ……………………………… . . When Ella was eighteen years old , her mother died suddenly , and unlike Cinderella , her father remarried . However , also , unlike the fairytale characters , Ella had no step sister or stepmother problems . She and her father 's new wife got along quite well . One night Ella had a dream about her mother . She saw her standing at the foot of her bed . She 'd had this same dream several times before , and always her mother would appear to be crying . This time , however , it was different . The dream still had her mother standing at the foot of her bed , only instead of crying , her mother was smiling . Ella woke up , but for a long time , she lay in the bed thinking about her dream . Her thoughts began to wander - finally coming to rest on thoughts of Cinderella , in particular , her favorite part - how her fairy godmother used her magic wand to turn a pumpkin into a carriage and rats into coachmen . In her thoughts about Cinderella , Ella tried to put herself in her place and imagined how she might have felt dancing in the great ballroom in all that splendor ! and with a prince no less ! From there , memories from another story her mother had read to her invaded her mind - the Creation story from the Book of Genesis . Ella recalled the very words her mother had read , ( Genesis 1 : 3 ) " And God said , let there be light . " Remembering this Scripture brought a smile to her face , as she mused - the fairy godmother used her wand and magical things happened - so the story goes . God spoke , " Let there be … , " and many things happened , which are true facts , beginning with the creation of the world . Tears filled Ella 's eyes as she recalled all the happy times she 'd had with her mother . Too , came the tears as she thought about some of the things she had done - things Ella she knew her mother would not be pleased with . On top of that , people she had known all of her life were looking at her in a different way and would have nothing to do with her . Thinking about this , Ella compared her situation , not the things she was doing , but the treatment by the townspeople , with that of Cinderella and her family . However , there was much difference in the two situations in that Cinnerella ( Ella ) was much the cause of her own predicament , while Cinderella had no control over her state . Ella had made some bad choices , and as a result , many of the town people had taken on a spirit of condemnation toward her . In other words , she was being put down by the people of her community because of wrong things she was openly doing . But really , these wrong things were wrong things Ella did to herself . They were sins because God said they were sins . El " Something needs to be done about that Ella . She gives a bad name to all women . " " Yes , " said the other , " It 's a shame we can do nothing , while our husbands just stand gawking every time she passes . " The women were so caught up in their gossip that Ella was upon them before they knew she was there . Ella didn 't say a word , but the women knew she 'd heard them , and their faces burned red with embarrassment ; so in order to avoid another such confrontation , she chose to walk the extra distance . Ella lived in a little Texas town called Pueblo , population 1 , 546 . A small mining town , Pueblo was situated off in a corner by itself - the nearest city being fifty miles away . She had lived in Pueblo all of her life , and it had never occurred to her to move away . This was home . She was born here , and more than likely , she would die here . She saw no reason to leave , reasoning that she 'd never be rich no matter where she lived , so she might as well stay where she was - where she was known , in case she got sick or got in some kind of trouble . She knew the people . She also knew that the women would always gossip , but she believed , with all of her heart , that if she ever needed any of them , they would come running to her rescue . Standing 5 ' 7 " in her stocking feet , Ella was a good - looking , shapely , woman . The men of the town loved looking at her , and more than one had ungentlemanly thoughts about her . Early in her life Ella had made herself a promise that she would be a virgin until the day she got married . Her mother constantly told her , " Don 't you go letting any man touch you unless you 're married to him . " Ella had all intentions of keeping the promises she mate to her mothr ; that is , until she met Denny . Denson Montana was a drifter , who 'd come to Pueblo to work in the mines . His intention , he told Ella , was to stay long enough to make some money , and then he 'd be on his way . Denson was a handsome man with jet - black hair and a dark , deeply tanned body . His piercing eyes , long eyelashes , and thick eyebrows , gave him a Latin look . When Ella met Denson , she forgot her vows , threw caution , along with her mother 's admonitions , to the wind , and the promises she 'd made to herself and to her mother all went out the window . Cupid , as the secular world puts it , shot his bow , and in less than two weeks , Ella and Denson became inseparable . The romance lasted two months and one day . Then , without a word , Denny , just like he 'd drifted in , drifted out , bag and baggage . Ella was left alone to bear the burden of hurt , shame , and worse , the wagging tongues of the townspeople . This was not a good thing for Ella because she made her living working in some of the homes in the area . Outwardly , she never let the slanderous gossip of the people get the best of her ; but inwardly , she cringed whenever she would pass any one of them . Still , as far as they knew , she really didn 't care . If she came face to face with any of them , she would smile , speak pleasantly , and , with eyes focused straight ahead , go on about her business . Eventually , the talk died down . Then Larry Johnson came into town . Larry was the extreme opposite of Denson . He was heavier - muscular , with sandy brown hair and green eyes . He was an average looking man - nothing special , but Ella found herself drawn to him . It only took about three weeks ; Ella let her passions get the best of her , and moved in with him . The affair lasted exactly four months and three days . One night while Ella slept , Larry stole away in the night . She never saw or heard from him again . This time the broken relationship wasn 't so easy for Ella to get over - this time she couldn 't fake it . Her heart was broken . The hurt cut deep into her soul . The townspeople could see the hurt in her eyes . This time there was no arrogance in her step ; but , though the people saw her pain , still they didn 't let up on her . Gossip rang from one end of town to the other . It was after the Larry affair that the women she worked for told her they could no longer use her . There was one particular incident that really affected Ella . Every year the town held their annual picnic - it was a big event for Pueblo . All year everyone looked forward to it and all pitched in to do their part to make it successful . Ella always participated by helping wherever she was needed . Not so , this time . Not only did the people , as gracefully as they could , refuse her help ; but , on the day of the picnic , when Ella arrived , all of their hostility and rejection seemed to permeate the air . At one point she saw someone she particularly liked and proceeded to walk towards her . But , when the person looked up and saw her coming , she turned away and began walking in another direction . This was just one instance . Ella tried not to let it bother her . A little while later Ella realized she was standing next to one of her mother 's good friends . She turned and said to her , " Isn 't this a beautiful day for a picnic ? " The friend never answered her , but rather started a conversation with another person as if Ella had not said a word . Even the children weren 't allowed to talk to her ; One day , as she sat on her steps , a group of children passed by , saw her , and immediately they began to chant , " Hey Sinner - Ella , Hey Sinner - Ella , " with much emphasis on the " Sinner . " Over and over they sang it until she finally got up and went into the house . The people didn 't seem to care that they might be hurting her - in fact , actually , they seemed oblivious to their very actions . Here was a young woman they had all watched grow from a child . And yet , judgment was causing them to treat her miserably . Perhaps they had never heard , or had forgotten what another verse written in Holy Word said about this very action . " For judgment is without mercy to he has shown no mercy . " ( James 2 : 13 ) Satan had blinded their eyes , and it was impossible for them to see , feel , or even think about what hurt the consequences of their actions might be causing for another human being . On top of this , it was impossible for them to even have a hint of the depth of shame Ella may be feeling because of the things she had done to herself and to her mother 's memory . But , lest the hurt and shame become unbearable - lest she might want to repent ; lest she might want to change her ways , sin sent another her way . Enters Roy Latham , who , after being in town for only a few weeks , meets Ella , and sinful passion flares again ! At first Ella tried to hold back - afraid to become involved - afraid of being hurt again . Roy though , with persistence and kindness , soon won her over . Still determined to be careful , Ella kept her guard up telling herself over and over again , " If he decides to leave , then so be it ; I 'll not be hurt again ! " But , this worldly love , this Eros , we humans so easily allow to ensnare and take us captive , has its own way of sneaking in . Before Ella knew what was happening , she was deeply involved again . Roy stayed with her for a year and six months ; then , Roy too , disappeared , never to be seen or heard from again . Poor Ella ! She just didn 't understand . She couldn 't see that as long as she kept doing what she was doing , she would always get what she was getting . And , it is a fact , the more we give into sin , the easier it becomes to sin . In comes Beasley . The episode with Beasley lasted exactly one month . Beasley Jacobs , just passing through , had stopped to visit relatives , saw Ella and stayed in Pueblo for two months . This short romance lasted almost as long as it took to get it started . It took a month to get it started and it lasted exactly one month . All of these things were going through Ella 's mind as she made her way to the facility . Now , there was Mark - a completely different story . Ella 's feelings for Mark were different than the others . She just knew she was in love this time . She wanted to be completely honest with Mark - she wanted to tell him all about herself , but for one reason or another , she just couldn 't get up the nerve . Mark had come into town about five months after Beasley left . There had been no crashing symbols when the two met ; in fact , Ella had almost decided she didn 't want to be bothered with anyone anymore , when one night , Mark knocked on her parent 's door and Ella happened to be there . He 'd come seeking her father 's help with tearing down an old barn next to the bungalow he was renting . Ella answered the door . They talked a few minutes about nothing and Ella left . The next evening Mark made a trip to Ella 's little house , and the next day , and the next , and from this , a new romance bloomed . Mark wasn 't like the other men who 'd been a part of Ella 's life - those who had just used her and then left her . He really loved Ella and wanted to marry her , but Ella couldn 't seem to make up her mind and would never give him an answer . This morning he had given her an ultimatum . Ella thought about the conversation they 'd had … . " Ella , " Mark said , " I love you and want to marry you . You may not care about what the people are saying about us , but I do - not for myself , but for you . You 've got to make a decision ! " Ella just didn 't know what she was going to do . Her mind preoccupied with her past and Mark 's ultimatum , Ella didn 't see the man sitting in the Laundromat with his feet stretched out before him , and she almost tripped over them . He moved , and Ella was able to stop just in time . She put the basket of clothes down on the floor , opened the machine and began to load her clothes , when the man spoke . " Excuse me maam , do you live around here , " " Well , I 'm a preacher , and tonight we begin our meetings under the large tent across the street . I was hoping that to see a lot of people that I could invite to come and join us . " " What kind of meetings ? " Ella asked . " Yes , when I was a little girl , my mama used to take me to church , but that was a long time ago . I can 't remember what it was like . Of course Mama always told me about Jesus . " Ella took a look at the man . What she saw pleased her . It wasn 't his looks , though he was very good looking . It was his eyes - they were so peaceful looking . A person could almost drown themselves in his eyes , Ella thought to herself . Aloud she said , " Okay , I 'll come to your meeting . " Ella didn 't reply to this last statement . She didn 't know what to say . Anyway , by the time he got the last words out , she was on her way down the hill . She 'd told Mark about the man at the Laundromat , and the meeting he 'd told her about , but he declined to come with her . So , at six o ' clock , Ella made her way into the big tent . At first she was hesitant to go in and , for a moment , even thought about turning around and going back home , but the preacher saw her and walked over to where she stood . He caught her by the arm and escorted her to a seat about four rows from the front . Ella looked around and saw many of the townspeople . Some of them smiled - some nodded , but all made it a point to let her know , in some way , that they 'd seen her . It didn 't take long for the tent to fill up . People were lined up all around the walls and on outside the door . The preacher walked to the front and stood before the congregation . " Good evening , " he said . " I 'm Brother Lawrence , and I 'll be doing the preaching here this week . I hope , for whatever reason you 're here tonight , you 'll leave knowing one thing - that is , that you have a Savior . " Ella smiled to herself ; she knew why she was there . The preacher , himself had invited her . Brother Lawrence went on , " I want you to join in with me and sing an old hymn , one I 'm sure you all know . If you don 't know it , then listen and catch the melody ; then you 'll be able to sing the chorus . Okay , we 're going to sing , ' I 'll Fly Away . " His strong baritone led them into singing the old classic . Ella didn 't know the song , so she listened … . " Some glad morning , when this life is o ' er , I 'll fly away ; to a home on God 's celestial shore , I 'll fly away . I 'll fly away , oh glory ! I 'll fly away . When I die , hallelujah , by and by , I 'll fly away . " Over and over they sang , " I 'll fly away oh glory … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " No sooner had they finished singing this song than someone began another . The words to this song touched Ella - they touched her very heart . " I once was lost in sin ; then , Jesus took me in , and then a little light from heaven filled my soul . It filled my heart with love , and wrote my name above , and just a little talk with Jesus made me whole . " One man sang alone , " Let us have a little talk with Jesus ; let us tell Him all about our troubles ; He will hear our faintest cry , and He will answer by and by . When we feel a little prayer wheel turning ; we 'll know a little fire is burning - and just a little talk with Jesus makes it right … . . " The preacher again took his stand in front of the congregation , behind the makeshift podium , and began his sermon . Ella was all keyed up from singing . Now everything was quiet . She looked around and saw every face focused attentively , expectantly , on the preacher . As he began to speak , the people sat quietly , as if mesmerized , feeding on his every word . For some reason , Ella began to feel a little uncomfortable . She wanted to leave , but she didn 't want to just get up and walk out and draw attention to herself . She just couldn 't seem to get into what he was talking about . She forced herself to listen , and then , suddenly , bingo ! A light went on in her head and she began to hear ! The more she heard , the more she wanted to hear . What had got her attention was the words , " whosoever believeth in Him , should not perish but have everlasting life " ( John 3 : 16c - d ) . All around , Ella heard the people talking back to the preacher saying , " Amen ! " " Yes sir ! " " Preach Brother ! " He had her attention too ! Then the preacher read , " There hath no temptation taken you but such is common to man . " ( 1 Corinthians 10 : 13a ) . " This means , " he continued , " that any and everything you have ever done , someone else has also done the same thing . " To support his statement , he read another Scripture , . " For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God . " ( Roman 3 : 23 ) . " But , " the preacher went on , " there is help ! From 1 John 1 : 9a he read , " If you confess , " that means to admit , " your sins , He is faithful and just to forgive you . " Ella was all ears . " Oh hear Him , Listen to Him , " the preacher urged . " Let Him come into your hearts . Let Him save you . Confess ! Tell Him what He already knows ! Repent ! Let Him know you 're sorry for the things you 've done . Tell Him you don 't want to do those things anymore . " Ella hung on his every word . Then , in his final minutes , he called to those , who , he said , were lost . " Come , before it 's too late , " plead the preacher . " All you have to do is confess . His Word tells us in 1 John 1 : 9 , " If you confess your sins , He is faithful and just to forgive you and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness . " Come , " he begged with outstretched arms - come while you still have time . " Someone began to sing another song , a song everyone seemed to know . Ella knew the song too ; her mother had taught it to her , and she sang loud with the congregation . " Just as I am , without one plea ; but , that Thy blood was shed for me …… " Many people stood and made their way down front to stand with the preacher . For a second Ella thought about going too , but quickly she pushed the thought from her mind . Mark was asleep . This time Ella didn 't crawl into bed beside him . Instead , she made herself a pallet on the floor in front of the window . For a long time she just lay there looking out at the stars . Tonight there were no troubling thoughts - tonight , a kind of peace had settled over her . After a while Ella fell asleep . For Ella , the next day 's meeting couldn 't come soon enough ; but , she managed to keep herself busy so time would pass quickly , and still , it seemed to take forever ! When it was finally time to go , without a word to Mark , she left , on her way to the big tent in the field . For some reason , Ella felt the meeting tonight had a special message for her . Whereas , the night before , she wanted to sing all night , tonight , she could hardly wait for the preacher to begin his sermon . Taking his postion , the preacher said , " Tonight , we 're going to study from the Book of John in the fourth chapter . We 're going to talk about " The Woman at the Well . " Ella smiled . She gave her full attention as he told the story - how Jesus got tired going through Samaria - how He had stopped to rest at the well , then the woman came along to get water , and Jesus asked her for a drink … . . " When he got to the part about the " living water , " he looked straight at her . She wished she had a Bible . The nearest person with a Bible was too far away for her to be able to read the page . Ella repeated the words , " If you knew the gift of God , and who it is that is saying to you , give me a drink , you would have asked of Him , and He would have given you living water . " ( John 4 : 10 ) The preacher read on , " Whosoever drinks this water ( earthly water ) shall thirst again ; but whosoever drinks the water that I shall give him shall never thirst ; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life . The woman said unto Him , Sir , give me this water , that I thirst not , neither come here to draw . Jesus said unto her , go , call thy husband and come here . The woman answered , I have no husband . Jesus said unto her , you have said well , I have no husband , for you have had five husbands ; and he whom you now have is not your husband ; in this you have spoken the truth . " ( John 4 : 13 - 18 ) Ella 's face burned red . She just knew all eyes were on her ! But , she was wrong - all eyes were on the preacher , and the preacher 's eyes were on her . A slight smile formed at the corners of her mouth as she fastened her eyes on him . He returned her smile , and from that moment on , Ella heard nothing else . The message was clear . Yes , this sermon had been for her . Ella couldn 't wait to get home and tell Mark . She left the tent before the congregation had finished the last song , " What a Friend We Have in Jesus . " She left running ; she had to get home - to tell Mark what had happened . She rushed to tell him about what she had learned - how the story of the woman at the well was almost identical to her very own life story . She rushed to tell him how God must have sent her to this meeting so she could see the wrongs she 'd done and was still doing - and she rushed to tell him yes , she would marry him . That night Ella 's life changed - that night Ella experienced the new birth - that night Ella Met Her Savior ! No more " Sinner - Ella ! " Tonight she also got a name change - she would now be called " Christian . " The next night Mark went to the meeting with Ella . The sermon was , " Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to your own understanding , " ( Proverbs 3 : 4 ) . The preacher closed his message with the Scriptures , " And now we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord , " ( Romans 8 : 28 ) and " Seek ye first the kingdom and its righteousness , and all these things will be added unto you , ( Matthew 6 : 33 ) . When the preacher gave the altar call , both Ella and Mark went forward . Together they joined the family of God . That night Ella and Mark decided they could no longer live together - that is , until they were married . The meetings were scheduled for only two more nights - they planned to be there both nights . The last night the preacher read Jesus ' words , " Take my yoke upon you , and learn of me ; for my yoke is easy and my burden is light . " Ella didn 't know Mark had an old , worn , Bible in the bottom of his trunk . He pulled it out and gave it to her . Immediately she searched until she found the story of " The Woman At The Well . " Aloud she read the entire story to Mark - finishing , with tears in her eyes , with the words of the story , " Come , see a man who told me all things I ever did . " There was a new life ahead for her Ella - a life with Jesus . Ella wanted this life with all her heart , and she knew that in order to have it , she must do as the preacher had read , " Trust in the Lord with all her heart , and lean not to her own understanding " ( Proverbs 3 : 4 ) . Needless to say , after a while , noticing the change in Ella , some of the townspeople began to have repentant hearts . " Perhaps , " they may have said , " We were wrong . " " Maybe we just might owe her an apology . " But , though their hearts may have prompted , they never apologized . It didn 't matter though , Ella 's life was now in the hands of the Lord . She didn 't have to be what the people thought her to be , and with the help of Jesus living on the inside of her , in the form of the Holy Spirit , she would prove it . As I come to the end of Ella 's story , I can see in my mind 's eye , Cinderella at the ball dancing with the prince . I can see the elaborateness and splendor of her surroundings , and here again , I can only imagine how she must have felt . All the mistreatment , all the snobbery , all the hurt , and yet , here she was , dancing with the prince ! One day she would wear an earthly crown . But , there is an even greater crown for Ella . There is a crown of glory , and not only for Ella , but for all who love Him ………… As the fairytale ends , we see Cinderella and the prince together . Cinderella would marry the prince and become a princess . Cinnerella ( Ella ) accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior and became a child of God . The fairytale always ends " and they lived happily ever after . " The Christian is promised to live forever happily . In her search for fulfillment , Ella had sought the wrong way . Jesus says in John 14 : 6 , " I am the way … . . " The Holy Bible has a story for every one of us . Here we find words that will both encourage and convict . Open it , find your story - perhaps you 're hungry - if so , then your story is in the Book of John also . Open it , find chapter 6 , verse 35 , and read about the " Bread of Life . " Yes , He 's that too ! The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters . com . |
We saw the New Year in with a bang . . . . sort of . . . . Michael and I were both sick , feeling so miserable and Elbert would not settle down . He was going out the door regardless of what we did to detain him . Night was marching right along toward the bewitching hour of midnight and year # 2009 . Michael finally gave up and put his Dad in the car and drove off . That had worked for me . I 'd put the wanderer in the car , drive a few blocks , come back home and he 'd be fine . However . . . . . . . Michael and his Dad were gone , and gone , and gone . I got uneasy . Michael 's just moved here , unfamiliar with roads and here it is , New Years Eve and he 's out wandering around . The phone rang , they were on their way home . Michael was just driving until he thought his Dad would settle down but Dad did not . . . . . and even after they got home Elbert still did not want to go to bed and it was well after midnight . When we managed to crawl out of bed the next day ( Jan 1st ) I cooked the traditional black - eyed peas but I had no greens of any kind and I sure wasn 't going out to buy any . Eating some type of greens on New Years Day is supposed to give you good financial luck in the New Year . Heck , with the way the economy is going I don 't expect eating a bunch of greens would help one bit . Ever since Christmas Elbert has had some serious sundowning . That seems to be the worse part of his Alzheimers right now . You just can 't reason with him , make him understand that people slow down when the sun sets . He just get more agitated , more restless . It 's tough . On January 6th we had the sitter with Elbert and the children took me out to celebrate my 75th birthday . Of course , it was a dark and drizzly day , what else is new . ha That is life at this point . But , I was determined to have a good time and we did . I wanted to go to Capt . George 's Seafood Restaurant in Williamsburg and we ate and ate and ate until we could eat no more . They have the most amazing buffet . It was an incredible birthday and so much fun . For awhile I forgot my trials at home and was surrounded by love and attention . I may be 75 but I feel that I have so much living ahead of me . I am ready to start ! ! So , here 's to me and lots of living . Tonight was scary . Elbert was paranoid for the first time . He started talking about a bunch of men coming to find him so he hunted all over the house for a place to hide . When he was unsuccessful at finding a place to hide , he wanted to find his gun , ' Just in case I need it ' he reassured me . Of course , I had NO IDEA where his gun was . He would not shut up . Luckily we had earlier had the foresight to store his pistols in our son in laws safe . The rifles and shotgun was in the back of a closet upstairs . I knew he couldn 't find them but just the thought of him having those sorts of things on his mind really concerned me . I took him in the bathroom and got him washed up for bed . I could not get him into the shower because as he put it , ' I don 't want to be naked when those men get here ' . Heaven forbid that these imaginary mercenaries would see him without clothes . He started talking about his Dad who had been dead for 24 years . Where was Daddy , where was his bed , why hasn 't he come by yet and so on . My nerves were getting frayed so to get him to lie down I put him in my bed and turned the tv on . The Texas Tech - Oklahoma football game was on . He sat propped up on the pillows , his eyes closed for a couple hours then I put him in his bed and prayed he 'd stay there . I 'd been gone the week before . Made a trip to NY to see that newest grandson and had left my daughter and son in law in charge . I had spent the week cuddling that sweet bundle from heaven and now I was back in realityville . When I had returned home another daughter told me something very disturbing . It seems that her hubby was in his workshop one night when he got this strange feeling . He didn 't know what it was , he just felt ill so he stepped outside the workshop to get a bit of fresh air . It was dark , drizzling rain and son in law noticed someone walking up the sidewalk . This person was dressed in a light colored outfit so the street light shone on them making them look almost ghostlike . Then , he recognized the figure . It was Elbert John ( son in law ) ran as fast as he could but slowed down just as he got to Elbert so as to not alarm him . Elbert turned and said , ' well , hello , John ' . John asked him where he was going and E . answered , ' Out to check the dogs ' . John walked him home . The two caregivers inside had not even missed him . Suppose Elbert had headed for the busy highway , Suppose John had not had that sick feeling and saw Elbert . I was just ill with the thought of what could have happened . It seems daughter # 1 went upstairs to change the sheets on a bed . Elbert was in his bed downstairs and supposedly asleep . She told her husband to listen out for her Dad while she was gone . Only husband was much absorbed in the computer and Elbert got up , walked out of the house and would have been lost had it not been for John . A week later ( and we should have known better ) Michael put a dvd in to watch and Elbert and I got into it as well . It was ' No Way To Go ' , a spy - murder thriller . Like I said , I should have known better considering what had transpired just the week before . The main character was a Naval officer and Elbert identified with him . Kevin Costner played the part and I was enjoying just looking at that good looking hunk of man . But , Elbert confused reality with fiction and started shaking all over saying people with guns were coming to shoot him . I just wanted him to calm down and not be afraid . We can not watch movies or tv shows with any violence , confusion or stress in them because he just doesn 't seem to differentiate real with unreal anymore . Elbert did not bat an eyelash until 4 a . m . Needless to say I did not sleep either . I wonder if he feels the anticipation or anxiety in the household - or was it just ' one of those nights ' . One will never know . You see , our son is moving from Nebraska to Virginia . Daughter Shirley and her hubby went out to help him with the move . Shirley had called to say that the caravan had made it to the Virginia state line and they would arrive here around 2 . Shirley was driving Michael 's car packed with stuff , John was driving a U - Haul and Michael was driving his Mountaineer and pulling a travel trailer with it . They must have been a sight to see going down the highway . Then the call came . . . . they wouldn 't be here by two , the U - Haul had caught fire . They didn 't lose anything of Michaels but that old U - Haul just couldn 't make those steep mountains . Some trucker , bless his heart , stopped and had the fire out by the time the firetrucks got there . They had to leave the U - Haul behind for repairs . So , the household was in an uproar , me and Marie hurrying to cook then having to put it on hold . Phone calls and then finally the gang got here . Naturally Elbert would be upset . The next night we had another bad , bad night . Elbert got up at midnight but went right back to bed . . . . . however . . . . . at 15 til 2 he jumped out of bed like he was a youngster and started searching for his shoes . I started trying to coax him back to bed but he said rather firmly , ' No I 've got to get my things and go home ' . Every time I 'd tell him to go to bed he 'd say ' You go to bed ' and he 'd take my arms and try to push me . He 's pulled away from me before but never used force to push or shove me . This was new . No explanation worked . At one point he said , ' I 've got to go ' and I told him I wanted to go with him and he said he couldn 't do that for me , for me to stay here and go to bed . I said , ' but I want to go with you in the morning . We 're married and we need to be together ' and the shocker came . He replied , ' I am married to a little girl named Willie . I don 't know if you are married or not . Go to bed ' . Finally he sat down on the edge of the bed mentally exhausted . In a few minutes he lay down but he did not go to sleep for a very long time . Neither did I . He had not known me , not known I was his wife , he just wanted to leave . . . I was very sad . Two nights later he was up again , this time looking for HIS bed . He wandered from room to room with me in hot pursuit . I finally got him to lay down in a bed in another room but that didn 't last long . He was up wandering again so I steered him toward his own bed and finally got him to crawl in , much against his will . I started snuggling , saying I was cold , I wanted him to keep me warm . I started rubbing his arms and hands , very gently , as I talked about his Navy days . I was so tired I 'd drift off to sleep only to hear a voice asking questions like ' How did you do in bootcamp ? ' ' Did you like it ? ' ' Did anybody get hurt ? ' He thought I had been in the Navy . He has no grasp of reality whatsoever . I don 't know when he quit asking me about my Navy days , I just kept drifting off but he , at least , did not get up again . Perhaps he , too , drifted off . Ahhh , blessed sleep . In August ( 2008 ) our youngest daughter , Susan , and two of her sons came to visit . There was Griff , the oldest , and we got to see our newest grandson for the second time . Tighe was over 10 months old now and just a delight to Grandpa . Susan went with us for a neurology appt . She is used to dealing with doctors and had questions . I think doctors get tired of dealing with the same ole faces all the time . But , this face was young and very pretty so he and she had a very good chat . Dr . N . ordered an EEG the following morning . We got the report back on the EEG and it did not show any seizure activity at all . Susan was not happy with the results . She said 30 minutes is not enough time to get conclusive results . With a son with autism she is more than familiar with EEGs and any other neurological procedure . Next Dr . N . gave Elbert an EMC . Doc said Elbert had peripheral neuropathy from the knees down ( nerve damage ) . The dr . seemed to think that Elbert would benefit from physical therapy . But , I had my doubts about physical therapy helping Elbert with his falling . I don 't think the doctor is ' getting it ' . P . T . may make Elbert 's legs stronger but nothing is going to keep him from falling when he has one of those ' spells ' . It was during the second week of P . T . that Elbert had a falling spell in front of the therapist . Good . . . . somebody besides the family now knows what is going on . Up to this point , no one else had witnessed it . We asked the therapist what she thought was happening . ' Looks like a seizure to me ' , she says . So , Marie and I went next door to see if we could talk to our doctor ( our g . p . ) and once we described how Elbert acted during these falling spells she agreed that indeed she thought it was a seizure . But , she said that the aminodrone he was taking for atrial fib can cause seizures , neuropathy and tremors . Elbert has all three . I made an appt . with the heart doctor . I was europhic to think that we may have found an answer . Elbert continued to go to therapy . He would try so hard to do what they asked of him and he would get so tired . However , I still was not convinced that doing P . T . was going to help stop his seizure - like activity or the falling . Sometimes we women just know things . Our intution just takes over . By Sept 18th we had been having all sorts of tests , doing P . T . , and still nothing was happening to help things . The heart doctor put him on mododrine or some such thing I can 't remember what . . . I can 't spell it and I couldn 't say it either . ha . October rolled around . I was so depressed . That medicine seemed to be working when he first started it and then he had a complete collapse back to day one , feeling bad , unsteady , seizure activity , falling . We were back to using the wheelchair . We both were exhausted all the time . On October 8th we had another appointment with the neurologist . He could not believe that the cardiologist had put Elbert on Miodrine ( sp ? ) so Elbert was immediately taken off it . I went into that appointment fully prepared , ideas , questions , suggestions and got what I had been searching for . I even acted out Elberts seizure activity , the hands shaking then drawing up into a fist , his eyes getting huge and staring and his body then getting stiff before he fell . I think I did a darn good job of it . Immediately Dr . N . said , ' That 's a seizure ' and prescribed anti - seizure medication Finally , after over a year and a half of constant seizures and me following Elbert around every step . . . . . . . somebody listened . Maybe I should have done the ' acting out the seizure ' thing in the beginning . But , now , Dr . N . was listening . I 'd prayed and prayed for help . I am sure God heard my prayers but the Doctors and I were just not on the same wave length . I wish God had just took Dr . N . up and shook him good and told him ' Help them ' . But it doesn 't work that way . I had about come to the end of my rope . And , the end was getting very frayed ! ! No more falling , no more me following him everywhere . I felt like an animal let out of a cage . And , I know he did , too . Poor thing . It had to scare Elbert to death everytime he 'd hit the floor . How he kept from being severely injured , I 'll never know . Earlier we 'd gone through about eighteen months of constant potty accidents due to medication he was taking . Changing meds stopped most of that . And , now we 'd gone through over eighteen months of constant falling . Three years or more of watching , waiting , hovering , scooping him up off the floor , bandaging scrapes and bruises , holding my nose while I cleaned up messes and scrubbing down the bathroom too often to count . I just am not nurse material . It had been a tough three years . On June 30 ( 2008 ) I made an entry in my journal stating ' What a Weekend ' . It was a very disturbing weekend and it did not stop there . Elbert was so unsteady all weekend so we used the wheelchair . I was so tired from pushing him around in that heavy thing . He has enough mind to know that it is a burden on me and that he is losing his ability to do things for himself . That has to be very distressing for him . I know it is for me . On Saturday night ( the 28th ) he wandered around the house until one a . m . Then Sunday night it was three when he finally settled down . As tired as I was I still had to grin . He was like a little boy , ' I need a drink of water ' . . . . . ' I need to brush my teeth ' . . . . or ' I was looking for you ' . A little boy isn 't going to get up in the middle of the night to brush their teeth but it just reminded me of our children when they were small . By 3 I was so exasperated and thinking ' will he never settle down and sleep ' but he finally did . I fell into bed exhausted . On July 2nd he had another bad day , nearly falling several times . I wonder if this is a phase or is he permanently declining this much . He 's in the wheelchair most of the time and he knows he 's a lot of trouble for himself and for me . I am not sure how much farther he will decline before I can 't manage him anymore . It 's hard , It 's very tiring and very upsetting . By the end of that day I was feeling pretty lost . July 4th ( 2008 ) A holiday . Not so for this household . After Elbert was up so much the night of the 3rd I gave him a tylenol p . m . He slept a long time and I got some relief . I know , the doctor says that tylenol p . m . will counteract the Alz . meds he is on but a gals gotta do what a gals gotta do sometimes . After supper we went into the living room to watch tv and after a bit he jumped up and headed down the hallway , me in hot pursuit . Now , you gotta remember I am no spring chicken and I don 't get around like I used to . And , that man is fast ! ! He made it midway down the hall and started falling . I tried as hard as I could to hold him up . I thought if I pressed his body against the wall with mine I might could keep him up but I couldn 't . His legs just collapsed under him and he hit the floor . Again John ( son in law ) to the rescue . Elbert had a gash over his eye so Shirley bandaged it and we got him into the wheelchair . Tammie had been working for us for three years and here it was May 24 , 2008 . Although we had chatted just between the two of us about Elbert 's care I didn 't feel that we had addressed some of the latest issues . So , I called a Caregiver meeting . Making sure everyone understands the problems and is working on solutions is vital in the caregiving . Daughter Shirley and Tammie join me at the dining room table and we shared our concerns and talked about how to handle those concerns . Those issues addressed , I went about putting them into place . A new schedule was written out for Tammie 's work hours . She was more than willing and it gave me piece of mind to know that I can take care of what I need to outside the home . I bought a baby monitor and put the transmitter in the room where Elbert was and could take the receiver with me as I moved about the house . One morning when it was just too gorgeous to stay inside . . . and Elbert was napping in his chair . . . I took the receiver outside with me and sat in the swing on the patio . I really enjoyed the fresh air , the quietness , the birds singing , the aloneness . And any noise that Elbert made would be transmitted to me . Some time later Tammie brought over a small video camera and monitor . I could watch Elbert on the screen as I went about my chores . I felt a great sense of freedom and relief from the constant worry that I had been experiencing . Everybody needs burdens lifted from their shoulders and our little chat around the table that day had done just that for me . On March 2nd Elbert had been talking nonsense all afternoon , trying so hard as he hunted in his brain for words to come and they just would not . That makes it hard for me to know what he is trying to say . Sometimes I can complete the sentence much like a couple who is so intuned to each other , sometimes I have no clue where he is try to go with the jumble of words . Nightime fell and I started to put Elbert to bed but he could not rise up out of his chair . If he couldn 't get up he sure couldn 't walk , so , I got the wheelchair and pushed him into the bathroom . He stood up in front of the commode and fell , his legs straddling the commode . Our bathroom is long and narrow and there 's no room for a 6 ft man to lie down there . His head was resting on the wheelchair footrests . The chair was wedged in the doorway but I managed to wiggle it free and grabbed a coverlet off the bed to put under Elberts head . There was no way I could get Elbert up with him in that position so I called next door and Shirley and John came running . Once Elbert was up we noticed his speech was slurred and he still was not making any sense . I would have called 911 but John , being the steady soul that he is , said let 's watch him a few minutes and so we did . Before long Elbert was telling his daughter all sort of stuff that sounded like the old Elbert so we knew he was going to be alright . May 4th we celebrated our son in laws birthday . There was a big cookout at their house with their children in attendance . We walked over . Elbert sat outside with the guys and before long he was the life of the party , doing one - liners to comments people would make , so much like the old Elbert . We had such a grand time and at nine he was still steady enough for us to walk back home . We have to love times like this . February 2008 ended on a very talkative note . Not that it made much sense but it was real to Elbert . Once he blurted out , ' Oh , I left Grandpa sitting in the truck ' . I just let it slide by me . Then after he went to bed he called out for his brother ( who by the way lives about 800 miles from us ) so I asked him what he wanted with Bob and he said he needed Bob to bring him his medicine . I 'd already given him his meds but somehow he connected his brother with medicine or the lack thereof . In the afternoon he had been making preparations for us to leave the following morning . . . . by bus , no less , and was busy checking his wallet to see if he had enough money for a ticket . He still carries his wallet minus any important papers and with only a couple dollars in it . You can 't take every bit of independence from them . He got up and went to the closet to get his clothes packed for the trip . I had one hard time getting him re - directed from that . He was so insistent . Maybe next month he will be much better . We can always hope , can 't we ? I wish Elbert was more comfortable with being here at home with me but he is not convinced that he lives here and nothing I say can change that . How nice it would be to say , ' Honey , you and I live in this nice house together . Our family is nearby and we are so lucky ' . But , that doesn 't matter to him . He gets restless and wants to leave , however he can . . . be it by bus or walking or catching a ride . Be content , sweet hubby . So , we both can have peace . |
Some despicable scoundrel has leaked an excerpt of She Watches to the public ! This treason will not go unpublished , nor forgiven ! This is a terrible act , and has left my emotional state of being in shatters . Mary smiled to herself , rummaging through the cabinets to find what she needed for dinner . As soon as they packed up the hotel room and headed for this tiny house , she went to the grocery store and got enough food to last a week or two . Daniel was out walking Emma in the stroller , and Cassie was down the hall in her room , so making dinner was left to Lucy and herself . Tyler was somewhere else in the town . Since they got a rental house , he was staying in the hotel room they 'd booked for a few more nights . He was technically on vacation with them , but not exactly . " Well , if Cassie says it 's okay that 's fine , but still be careful . " Mary set out a pan on the stove . " I think we 'll have pancakes and eggs tonight . How 's that sound ? " Lucy colored on the sheet of paper noisily , scribbling away with the crayons . She was sitting at the small table across the kitchen from Mary . All the appliances and big objects were crammed into one half of the room , mostly still in their packing boxes . The table and chairs were on the other , relatively empty side . Behind it was a walk - in closet pantry . " Maybe , Lucy , maybe . " Mary cracked an egg and let the contents plop into the pan . " We aren 't staying here very long though . " " Strangers can be dangerous , Lucy . Please be careful . " Mary glanced over at her daughter , who was focused on the paper . " You will be careful for Mommy , won 't you ? " Mary was spared from answering when the front door opened . They heard Daniel come into the living room , kicking the door shut behind him . Emma was babbling . " Sure thing , " Daniel said , strolling into the kitchen . " You know , I don 't recognize a single thing in this city . It 's like Marcy is a completely different town . Maybe Hardy will be , too . I wouldn 't mind that so much . " There was silence for a moment , as Mary watched her husband from the corner of her eye . He stood there , silent , clenching and unclenching his fists . Daniel leaned his forehead against the wall , kicking it roughly . " I know that . " He smacked the wall . " But if it starts again , we can 't leave . We can 't , we won 't . " " I 'm not stupid , " Daniel growled . " And there 's something I never told you about her . And I never plan to . Just know that if another kidnapping happens , if there 's more of this , we can 't and won 't leave until it 's all over . " " Who won 't forget you ? " Mary yelled , storming forwards so that they were nose - to - nose . " Who ? It 's a police case , not a person ! Just leave it alone and come back to our family and be a real father ! Don 't do this to us ! Who won 't forget you ? This is stupid , completely stupid , and you 're stupid , so just forget it ! " once upon a time , but you dont know what time it was so it might have been 1 oclock in the morning or 3 oclock in the afternoon so thats mysterious , well once upon a time there was a little girl named Patricia Robertsin and Patricia Robertsin was a nice little girl who lived in a big mansion in the countryside . she was , however , holding a very dark secret . her parents knew this secret , and so they kept her locked up inside the house at all times . her parents didn 't know why Patricia was like she was , but they knew that if anybody found out they would be in huge trouble with the community . they were rich , after all , and they lived in the mansion surrounded by forests . the nearest town was not for miles and miles away . anyways , there were animals that started turning up near their mansion . it was dogs , at first . the dogs would turn up and be mutilated , completely torn apart . the parents went into their daughters book , where she was writing in a notebook . as soon as they walked in , she slammed it closed and threw it under the book . they asked Patricia what happened to the dog , and she said " what dog ? i didn 't know we had a dog . " the next weekend , there was a baby deer that turned up dead in the yard , also torn apart . they went into Patricia 's room , and once again she was writing in the notebook . she threw it under the bed . " what happened to the deer , Patricia ? " " what deer ? i didn 't know there were deer arond here . " since Patricia wasn 't bloody and appeared not to know anything about the animals , the parents figured that it really wasnt her . so instead , they went outside to talk to the groundskeeper , who was gardening . his hands were very dirty , but underneath all the dirt they thought they could see a little red . " what 's happening to all the animals ? " the groundskeeper said . he smiled at them and tapped a finger to his head . " you ought to be paying attention , master . if you were paying attention , you 'd know . " since the groundskeeper didn 't give them any obvious leads , they decided to call the police department . the police showed up that evening , and found both the mom and dad sitting in the living room , nervously shaking . the police asked what had happened , and they said their little girl , Patricia , had run away . the police asked if this was why they were nervous . " no , " the dad said . " we 're not scared that she ran away . we 're scared that she 'll come back . " the police asked what he meant , and the dad told them a story . " once , when Patricia was about 3 years old , we started to notice that she wasn 't quite normal . in preschool , she got in trouble for biting other children … quite frequently . we took her out and homeschooled her . we didn 't have the time , so the groundskeeper was actually the one who watched her and taught her . a couple months after that , the family pet turned up dead . we questioned her , and she said nothing . the groundskeeper said the dog had been attacked by a vicious bear come out of the woods . but then we found bones in Patricia 's room , and we figured that she had killed the dog . since that day , she 's been normal - acting . but now the deaths have started again and we 're afraid she 's going to continue to kill . " the police looked at them worriedly and promised to protect them if she ever did come back . he asked where the groundskeeper was , and the parents said he was outside , in his shed . it was too dark out , so they decided to leave him there . the night progressed , and eventually the parents decided to go back up and look at the diary Patricia had been writing in . they went upstairs and opened it up to the first page . there was nothing but lessons from school . but as they continued turning , they started to notice something . on the last page , all of their questions were answered the ink was as red as blood throughout the book , and the pages of the home - made journal were rough and wrinkled and dried . it felt almost like rubbing against dead and dried skin . at the back of the book , there were drawings . they depicted three human bodies , strung up on crosses , and a wild animal leaping up to feast on them . the parents shut the book , horrified , and stormed downstairs . they demanded to know what the groundskeeper had been teaching their daughter . when they reached the living room , they found the policeman was gone . they heard a scream from outside and rushed out to see what was happening . what they found was 3 crosses , put up , with the policeman on one and the groundskeeper on the other . there was one empty . their daughter was in front , rubbing her hands together . she turned back to her parents . " have i done good , mommy ? " he growled , rubbing his hands together in the same way . the dad looked at them both , confused and horrified . " you thought the groundskeeper was teaching her , " his wife said , " but actually i was . " she moved forward and kissed him , but pulled back and ripped off his lower lip . " put him on the cross , sweetie . " she grinned at her daughter . " this feast is even better than the last house we stayed at . " It was the same table we used to sit at every Friday and Saturday night . The same one where I confessed I loved him , and he confessed he loved me more . The same two chairs that we 'd always scoot so closely together , until I could lean on his shoulder as I drunk the weekends away . We were young and foolish , but I missed it dearly . I nodded as he handed the fifth shot . With hurrying footsteps , he went over to take their order . He ordered the same as always , with the same tone . Except now he was staring at her , and glancing at her lips , and holding hands under the table like secret high school lovers . None of us were in high school , yet we had enough drama to be . Tears welled up in my eyes as the same feeling returned . When I 'd seen him with her before , I lost my mind . I started screaming and crying and ran out of the library - I always went to the library , and now he did too . My heart was being stabbed , and my throat felt pierced . All the air escaped me as it fled across the room , fogging the windows . Soon , I couldn 't even see the outside storm . They were covered in that annoying , semi - clear , gray , dense , unexplainable fog . It was like being trapped . If not for the bartender , I might have grabbed the stick from the pool table and stabbed him . To death . " All the same . " I grinned at my own irony , and that turned into a stupid laugh which brought everyone 's attention to me . I thought about whirling around and shouting at Mike , but that thought died down as I took the sixth shot . " All the same . " He sighed and leaned heavily on the counter , watching me take the seventh . " Please don 't die on me . You 're one of my best customers . " I looked up and saw nervousness and worry all across his expression . I knew I was hurting him through what I did , but I couldn 't stop . I needed to drink , and I needed to drink lots . I just wanted the weekend to end . I wanted to pass out and wake up the next Friday , ready to do it all over again . " To me , piano music is so much better . " I brushed my hair behind an ear , then rested heavily on that hand , propped up on the counter . " It just … it 's truly emotions turned into music . There are no words to describe it . It just flows ; it just makes sense . Not everyone understands it , and that 's why it 's best . " Mike stood up from his chair and walked over . I heard the chair push back and the footsteps , but didn 't look up . I didn 't want to see him , or for him to see me . But of course he already had . I felt a conflict growing , and hoped that Mike wasn 't too drunk already . When he was , things could get violent . " Why are you sad , huh ? Are you sad I left you ? Did you realize just how wrong and just how stupid you really are ? You know that every single problem in our relationship was because of you . " " I really don 't miss you , sweetheart . Not in the slightest . I don 't miss this dump , I don 't miss our dates , and I certainly don 't miss the sex . I swear to god you were the worst thing that ever happened to me . So I 'd really appreciate if you didn 't come around here , waiting for me . I don 't want to see you , and if you think I 'm gonna change my mind and run back to you then you 're dead wrong . " " You an alcoholic now ? A lesbian ? Emo ? There 's a next step in all those paths , you know . The same last step , and the only way to really make yourself feel better . " With a horrible laugh , he skipped away back to his table . I downed the tenth , and turned around to face him . What I saw , instead , was his girlfriend pressed against the wall . He was making out with passionately , doing all the things he used to do to me and right next to our table too . Bile rose up inside me as I clenched my fingers together . The bartender noticed and grabbed a broom . Mike and his new lady ran towards the door , both of them shooting me a horrible , nasty glance . I saw the one shot glass in front of me and thought that maybe if I drank it , I would finally die . I couldn 't walk , now . I was about to fall over . So I grasped the cup and turned towards Mike . Everybody stopped and watched me , knowing full well what a dozen shots could do to me . I grasped it firmly and brought it up to my lips . Then I chucked it across the room , where it smashed against Mike 's forehead and soaked him in the fiery liquid . He spat at me and turned away , shoving his girlfriend through the door and into the soaking rain . They had left the umbrella , and I hoped they drowned in the rain . Both of them . I simply nodded and put my arm around him as the bartender led me to his car . He opened the door and helped me sit down . A few minutes later , we were driving through stormy roads and I was frightened that we were going to crash . Maybe I would die anyways . I shrugged , and he took hold of the steering wheel . I leaned back in the seat until I realized we were stopped . Looking out of the window , I saw a blurry , rundown convenience store . He told me to wait and got out of the car . As soon as he closed the door behind him , I fell asleep . Five minutes later , I was woken by the same door opening and my friend climbing back into his seat . The clock on the dashboard read 12 : 00 exactly . It was Saturday . I came back to myself sitting under a streetlight , staring out at the street . It was nearly eleven o ' clock , and I was alone . So many times before , I 'd been in the same situation . Only now it was different . Only a week ago , eleven o ' clock on a Friday night meant partying with my boyfriend . We would stay at the bar until early in the morning , then take it back to his place , which soon became ours . Sex happened , but it wasn 't all . It wasn 't as important to us . Love was our relationship - love , not sex . Sighing , I picked myself up from the bench and turned around . There , hidden between two buildings , was a tiny bar . It was the laziest nightspot in the whole city , but my favorite . A minute later , pushed open the door and emerged into the dim lights . This place was never open , except for Friday and Saturday nights . It would probably close down soon . The bartender - an old man who 'd lost all his hair - ran the place by himself . He wiped the tables down every hour or two , prepped the one pool table , and constantly poured the drinks . " You , um … " He bit down on whatever he 'd been thinking and put the glass in front of me . " Here . Whatever you need , it 's on the house tonight . " There were only four of us at the time . Me and a middle - aged woman sat at the bar , while two men in factory uniforms occupied a table . From the corner of my eye , I saw the woman give me an interested look , then turn back to her phone and beer . She was wearing a neatly pressed , dark outfit , something a lawyer or therapist would wear . Judging from the briefcase beside her stool , I guessed the former . Downing my shot , I turned in her direction . " I don 't have time to talk . " Hopping off the stool , she grabbed her briefcase and slammed a ten on the counter . " See ya . " " I don 't know . She 's … " My voice faded and I held up the empty shot glass . " You sure you don 't want me to pay for this ? I 'll be in here a while . " " All the same . Makes me feel bad . That woman who just left … I don 't care about her . But you … It 's different . " I heard a pitter - patter as rain blew against the glass windows at the front of the bar . Looking out on the downtown street , I saw lightning in the distance . A few seconds later , thunder roared and shook the ground . As he picked up the glass , he set his phone down on the table and pressed a few buttons . Melancholy , soft piano music began to play through the speakers . I looked up at him , feeling suddenly very emotional . He smiled and set the glass down , now full . " I 've drank before . " I sighed , remembering the long nights and bad mornings of the past week . " Not as much as now , but still . " Disappearing into the back for a few minutes , he reemerged with a wet cloth . " If you wanna wipe the tables down , I can pay you something . I 'm guessing you don 't have much . " I nodded . " Nothing . Right now , I 'm at my mom 's . Mike didn 't leave me anything , and whatever I left at his house probably got set on fire . " He grunted and walked around the counter , heading over to where the two men still sat . I followed the bartender with my vision and noticed the two workers were getting ready to leave . Maybe I should follow suit and head to my mom 's . It wasn 't really a home , but at least it was a bed . As they left , both men tipped their ballcaps at me . I gave them piercing glances , which they promptly ignored and headed outside into the storm . Now , it was just me and the old man . He ran a hand over his face , sighing . " Doubt it . What you remember wasn 't that great . It was better , but not great . " As he walked back over , I gave him an expectant look . He understood and grabbed the glass , filling it up . Then he handed it back and I immediately downed the fourth shot . Mike gave me a devil 's smile , which I returned with hatred . He led his new lady to the table farthest away from me , over against the wall and by the window . This wouldn 't end well . That 's what the islanders told us when we first stepped foot on their shores . They stared at us , with hollowed - out eyes and starved faces . For years , we 'd been looking for them . Sailing around from coast to coast , always watching in the distance for an island yet undiscovered . They didn 't know we were coming , and they didn 't know why we were there . " Who left you here ? " I asked the old man , sitting across from me in the dimly - lit hut . There was a table between us , empty except for a small bowl made of a coconut shell that the chief used to drink from . " You 're trying to tell me that the bodies hanging outside on poles were for necessity ? " I asked . " They have spears driven through their entire body . In through the top , out from the bottom . How is that survival ? " I leaned forwards , over the table , and stared at his dark face . The shadows cast a harsh light on both of us . " I have seen and done cruel things . We are both men here . Tell us what has taken place on this island , and I will take you back to society . " I folded my arms , still glaring at him . " Punishment is necessary . And so you will be punished , if you don 't tell us what you 've done . " " You , too , were part of society , " I reminded him . " When we were both young , you were normal . We grew up together . Our father taught us the same . And yet you - " " They brought me here , and they left us here . We were all children back then . There were 30 of us . Half boys , half girls . And over the many years , we had more children . Until now . Half a century later . You expect us to go back to society ? We do not want to . We have been here our entire lives , living alone , and now you want us to be happy and return to ' normal ? ' I think not . " I walked out of the hut , and saw the large ship in the distance . My helicopter was waiting on the beach , and I quickly approached . I boarded in a flash , and we rose up into the air as I saw my brother on the beach , staring up at me . All around him was herds of people . They crawled on all fours , with blood pouring from their mouths . Dead bodies hung on poles , 15 feet tall , and little by little they were eaten away . The people were animals , climbing up the poles and taking bites out of them . " Radio back to headquarters , " I said to the pilot . " Tell them to send in the planes and the bombs . Let 's blow these monsters to high heaven . " " They 've gotten worse since the last time I came here . It 's so hard to find my way . " I sighed . " They 've multiplied , too . There were only a few hundred last time . Now there 's nearly a thousand . All of that over 10 years . " Blood squirted all over the pristine , leather seats as not - Jimmy tore us both to shreds with his claws and teeth . He crawled on all fours over to the seat , and expertly maneuvered it down to the ship . As he landed , the bodies of the sailors were piled up on the aircraft carrier , each of them impaled with sticks . Crawling around the boat were herds and hoards of blood - soaked , dripping , starved , and excited creatures . They weren 't humans . They weren 't part of society . But as their leader slowly made his way to the ship , wearing his chief outfits and swimming through the water , peacefully . There was only one man who knew where I was . Deep in the heart of the asylum , with slimy walls and thick doors that were always locked , I was found in the fetal position . This small , damp room had been my home for all the memories I still clung to . I 'm still not sure how I got here . It had to have been years and years ago , back in a time that I can 't remember . I 'm sure there 's a world outside of this forsaken place . I just can 't imagine what it would be like . When The Man came into my room missing an arm , I asked him what happened . It was only four cycles of food from the last time I 'd seen him , but he hadn 't been missing an arm then . But on that day long ago , he came in with a bloodied , bandaged stump . " Is there fighting going on outside ? " I questioned him . I was careful not to overstep the boundaries that had been set up through flesh and blood and torture . Too many questions - or too broad a question - would only end up badly for me . He considered what I 'd asked , and then decided to answer . " There is not much I can tell you . Only this . If you ever step out of this place , you 'll find the world outside not so friendly as you might imagine . " It took me a second to realize he 'd left without giving me anything . It seemed that my question had unnerved him , so much that he forgot to lay down the food he brought . I called out twice , but to no avail . I missed my meal cycle for that day . I curled up in my favorite corner of the room and began to sing the only song I remembered . Some days I could recall the entire thing . Other times I was lucky to grasp hold of a sentence . " Hold me closer . Hold me closer . Let the nightmares fade away . Pull me tighter . Pull me tighter . Towards the light of precious day . " That was about a year ago . Since that day , The Man looked in worse shape every time I saw him . For 11 months , he would visit me once or twice a day . Over the final month , however , those visits dropped , diminished , and eventually disappeared . It had been three weeks since I saw him when I made the decision . Unless I took some action , I was going to die . So , one day , I stood up and I made my way across the pitch black room to the wall where everybody entered in from . They always came without my knowing , and I never knew that somebody was with me until I heard them speak . But when I approached the wall , I found there wasn 't one . I continued walking . Step after step led me down a hallway that I had no idea was there . For years , it 'd been beat into my head there was a wall , and that I could not pass that wall . But there was nothing . Nothing there to block my escape , and especially nothing to punish me if I tried to get out . For ten minutes , I carefully and methodically made my way down the hall . There were two dark walls on either side , one grimy floor under my feet . I tripped , once , and felt a pain around my waist . I 'd forgotten about that pain , which was as forgotten as the place I was born . That pain was not allowed , because it reminded me of gender and of difference . What I saw at the end of the hallway is something I will never forget , and will never make sense . Because there was no asylum , like I expected and had been told by The Man . When I walked out of that hallway , I saw grass . There was a lush plain of grass , and a gigantic , thick wall surrounding the valley . On top of that wall , millions of people stood watching . They laughed and chuckled and pointed and stared . It took me a few minutes to move , but at last I understood . Across the valley from me were three other people . They , also , were tired , starving , thin , and miserable - looking . I walked over and asked them what we were doing there . I knew what they would say . " Hold me closer . Hold me closer . Let the night then fade away . Pull me tighter . Pull me tighter . Towards the light of precious day . " That night , as we were all sleeping , I rose up and killed one of them . In the morning , I blamed one of the others and they eventually turned on each other , fighting . One of them died . The other was too weak to protect himself . With food to last me for a few weeks , I settled back and began to eat the bodies before they went bad . I explored the caves where the other three had lived , but could find no entrance . One of them , however , contained the body of The Man . He cared for all four of us , yet somebody turned on him and killed him . They all hoped for food , for a meal . So I punished them with my teeth . " Hold me closer . Hold me closer . Let the night then fade away . Pull me tighter . Pull me tighter . Towards the light of precious day . " Starting in March , I will be releasing more short stories on this blog . These will range from sad , to scary , to everything in between . It 's just a spur - of - the - moment type writing , to take up the time when I have nothing to do . What that means , sadly , is that one category from the home page has to go . So , as of March , the " Free Writing Course " page will no longer exist ! You can still find those lessons , of course , on the blog , but only for a limited time . I have something planned for those in the future , but I 'll keep that to myself for now 😉 Also , on a final note , please invite your friends to check out my blog . I 'm trying to grow the traffic coming through here , and anything is appreciated ! These stories will be my newest - and latest - attempt to get some more visitors . |
Sorry this took so long , I had to fix a problem with language I used in Russian . You won 't find it now I rewrote that part to avoid a problem with GayDemon . They kindly asked what program I used to change English into Russian and I couldn 't remember . So to make it easier I just rewrote a few sentences that were part of that problem it does not change the story in any way . I ended up just deleting a few sentences to make it easy . Thanks for waiting . " Come on Michael please let 's go in the house . You can see it tomorrow if you want . When it 's daylight outside please babe don 't do this to yourself . " With his heart out on his sleeve he begged Michael not to go and look , knowing that it probably wasn 't cleaned up yet and he didn 't want Michael to see it . Michael stopped and looked Trent in the eyes . " Please Michael don 't . Come on let 's so into the house , we 'll come out tomorrow and you can look all you want . " Michael caved in and his shoulders dropped down and he bent his head forward and rested it on his chest . Trent put his arm around Michael 's shoulder and lead him inside and up to his bedroom and put him into bed . Trent kissed him good night and promised him he would go out with him in the morning . He shut off his light and closed the door and sat down outside Michael 's room . He wanted to make sure Michael didn 't try and go downstairs before he had a chance to clean everything up before Michael could see it . He waited over an hour to make sure that he would stay in his room and went to the front porch . When he got to the front porch he found Stephen still cleaning . " I could still use your help , find some more bleach , there 's still marks that I 'm having a hard time getting rid of . See if you can find any in the garage or anything that might work on this to clean it off . I don 't want Michael to see this in the morning . It 's bad enough that it happened here and he 's going to have to see it every day and be reminded that it happened here . You 're going to have to be extra patient with him Trent , don 't push him too hard to be the Michael you want , it 's going to take him a while to mentally process this . Not only did he lose his mother tonight , but he hadn 't talked to her since he left home and he 's going to feel guilty for not doing it , even though he had every right not to talk to her . She 's wasn 't fighting that hard to stand up for her son , I didn 't see her or hear about her trying to reach out to him , not even on his birthday . No matter what his father thought she supposedly loved him anyway so why couldn 't she have tried to get in touch with him outside of her home in some way ? You 're going to have to gently remind him of this somehow without offending him , he 's still going to feel guilty no matter what we say or think . " Stephen put down the brush he had and walked over to his brother and put his arms around him . " This is going to suck Trent , I 'm not going to lie to you or sugarcoat this . Michael is going to be deeply effected for a while and it 's going to show up in your relationship in ways you might not expect . I 'm just trying to tell you to be patient and remember . There 's no question of him maybe talking to her tomorrow ever again and with the way they parted he 's going to regret it no matter what . " He just held his little brother with a hug only a big brother can give . His heart went out to Trent and wondered if he and Michael could survive this ordeal together ? The whole family had protected Trent the instant he had come out to them . Perhaps there were times that the older siblings had over protected their younger brother from the realities of the world , at least as far as Stephen was thinking . The only thing he could do now was to be there for Trent and watch over him and help him get through this , just like Michael was going to have to go through it to . Trent just wasn 't old enough to realize that yet but Stephen knew and it made his heart ache for him . Experience was life 's greatest teacher and at the age of eighteen Trent hadn 't had enough of it to realize the ramifications of Michael 's lose . The morning arrived all too soon for Trent , he didn 't look forward to taking Michael outside . He jumped from his bed and ran out into the hallway to see if Michael was still asleep but his door was already opened . He made a dash for the downstairs and as he descended the stairs he could see that the front door was already standing open . As he got closer Joshua came back into the house and stopped Trent before he could get outside . " Leave him be Trent , Michael needs some time to himself . Get your father and mother up he 's going to need them this morning . Let them know that he 's already outside and that the porch has been cleaned . Don 't wait Trent , move do as I say , go on . Hurry Trent they need to be up for him . " Joshua physically turned Trent around and pushed him back towards the stairs he had just come down a few moments ago . Joshua knew that Michael was going to need someone much stronger than Trent to pull him back in from where he was headed mentally . Trent ran up the stairs to get his parents , Joshua was right he would need their help with Michael and learning to move forward with his life . He barely remembered running through their door and waking them up and getting them downstairs . Michael was just standing there looking at where she had been and the scene played over in his head repeatedly . There was nothing else he could see or think of except his mother lying on the ground with a pool of blood growing ever larger and slowly running down to the first step . It was surreal to stand there and watch Michael . Racing through his mind he tried to imagine who could have done this to his mother . Kevin was the first one that came to his mind and his father came second . Michael wondered could he really do this to his own wife ? Could this whole fight bring him to this point and this drastic conclusion ? What would Kevin gain from this ? Is he just out to destroy me for trying to fight him off ? Questions ripped through Michael 's mind one after the other . He still couldn 't believe that it had happened . Who was going to bury her ? Would it be his father ? But if he did it how could he bury her ? They 'd take him away and it would be up to Mandy and him to do the job . He had to call her and talk to you . He tried several times , but was unable to reach her . He reasoned that she could be at work or perhaps she had gone away for the weekend with some of the other kids from the class . Many had headed for the beaches in New Hampshire for the week following their graduation . " Come on Michael , standing here and just looking at this over and over again isn 't going to change things . I 'm sorry this had to happen to you on a day that was for celebrating not mourning a death . But you need to come inside and sit and maybe have some coffee and toast you need something in your stomach , come on Michael , Trent and I will join you for coffee . Come on son . " Clay took Michael by the shoulders and slowly guided him back into the house , the whole time Michael seem to stay fixated on that one spot where his mother had so coldly laid the night before . The breakfast table was quiet no one was really saying anything especially in front of Michael . No one wanted to bring up what the problem was that was glaring everyone right in the face . Michael broke the silence . " I know this is going to sound crazy but it was Kevin . And if it wasn 't Kevin then I have to assume it was my Father . " Clay and Sarah had the same thought and both looked at each other unsure what of to say to him . " " He 's trying to get at me because he didn 't get what he really wanted that day . I just feel it in my gut that Kevin isn 't going away from here just yet ; he wants revenge for some reason . I don 't know that I did anything to him but there 's something he 's fixated on in me . " " But how we would know that your mother was going to be here at that time ? Her being here was a last minute thing , there 's no way he could have known . " Michael looked up at Trent and shook his head . " I don 't know I think as a career man in the military his training of doing what 's right and not bring disgrace to the military in any way would perhaps prevent him from doing that . I just don 't see him doing this kind of thing . But , maybe something snapped and you 're right , it 's the job of the police to figure out what happened and who did it Michael " . " Maybe you 're right Clay maybe I 'm just guessing . As far as my father being capable , I 've heard more than one story growing up in the military of men beating their wives and some shooting them for less than what my father might have done it for . Don 't forget he 's ashamed of me and his wife acknowledging me by attending my graduation party might have sent him over the top . I don 't know him anymore ; I don 't like what he 's been like since I left my house . I don 't know what he 's been thinking or how he 's been acting , my sister says that he 's been quiet because my mother won 't talk to him because of what he 's done , so I don 't know if that would drive him to kill or not . I told the cops everything I know and what I thought it 's up to them to figure it out now , I don 't know what else to do . " Sarah was the protective mother instantly . " Sarah I know you mean well , but I can 't keep hiding . I won 't do that ; someone isn 't going to run my life on fear . If they want to get me they 're going to , like it or not . " Trent piped up to . " And what about me , maybe you 're willing to keep running around like it 's nothing , but what if something happens to you , where are you going to leave me on that thought , what I don 't matter , you 're just going to decide how your going to live your life screw everything else , I 'm sorry Michael but that doesn 't work with me . I 'm not letting you out of my sight we come and go together , got it ? " Trent wasn 't pissed but Michael could hear the slight edge of anger in his voice mostly is was love and concern that radiated through his little speech . " Come on , change your clothes into something comfortable and I 'll be back in a few to join you and we 'll take off for a little while . " Trent walked out the door as he closed it he could hear Michael break down in tears . As much as it broke his heart he thought it best to just let him cry for a few minutes perhaps it would do him some good . He took his time changing and it was Michael that came to his room . " I was beginning to wonder where you were . What did you do have a hard time deciding what to wear ? " " Ha very funny , I was thinking of maybe leaving tonight and finding a place to stay and spend some time away from here for a day or two ? How about it ? " " Oh yee of little faith . My father made sure we had a way out of the upstairs should we have a fire in the house , come with me " Michael followed Trent to Randy 's room and opened the closet door . He pressed the back wall of the closet and it slid back revealing a set of stairs . " What is this ? " " Okay now what genius ? How do we get out of here without being seen ? My car is parked near the front where there are a hundred cars blocking it in . Where 's yours parked ? " " Mine is out on the road in front of the house . Just stay with me and we 'll get out of here without being seen . Then I 'll call my mother and tell her we 're splitting for a few days to just let you chill . " Michael followed Trent into the wooded area just outside the fence that enclosed the yard . A few seconds later , they were getting into Trent 's truck . He started the engine and pulled away . Pulling out his cell phone he called his mother . " Mom , listen I have Michael with me and we are taking off for a day or two . He needs to be away from all of this . If the cops are still there tell them to look into Kevin and Michael 's Dad . His dad would be the only one that would know that she would be there . I don 't think its Kevin that was Mikey 's idea . Maybe it 's nothing maybe it 's not . I 'll stay in touch and the phone will be on if you need me or the cops wanting us to come back , but right now I 'm protecting my buddy . " " Don 't go too far Trent just in case the police do want to talk to Michael . Go downtown and get a room at the Four Seasons . Use your father 's account that way you 'll have a suite and if I have to I 'll be able to send the cops there , okay ? " " All right Mom , We 'll go there and stay shut in to just hide and get away , but don 't tell anyone but Dad where we are , not even Mandy right now . If she calls just say that we took off but not sure as to where we went . Like I said I 'm protecting Michael right now from everyone unless the police need him , but try and stall them unless you and Dad think we should come home . I just get this feeling that it 's not Kevin or his father , it doesn 't add up with those two , but I can 't think of anyone else that would want to hurt Michael . " " It 's for the police detectives to figure out Trent , don 't keep talking about it in front of Michael unless he brings it up first . We love you two and be careful . Tell Michael I 'm worried about him and if he needs , your Dad or me he can call us at any time . I don 't care what time of the day or night it is . " " I just told Trent what to do and where to go and stay . I want you to know that if you need to talk to me or Clay you call I don 't care what time of the day or night it is , I 'm worried about you and Clay is very concerned . Just know that we both love you and will protect you just as much as if you were one of our own . I mean that Michael . Now go with Trent and try and relax , Clay and I know where you will be . Do you still have your pills from Dr . Davis ? " " We are going downtown to the Four Seasons my father 's company keeps a suite there . The folks will know where we are and we can charge everything to the company account so we can spoil ourselves . Mom wants us staying in . " " Michael I want you to know that sometimes I feel guilty because I can live like this , knowing how some people have to struggle . And then there are other times that I 'm glad I live like this . Tonight is one of them because I can take my lover with me and spoil him like I want to . So no arguments , I just want you to relax for the night I still have a small present to give you for graduation I just was waiting for the right time to give it to you Buddy . " " You can , just don 't tell me where we are going and it will still be a surprise . Look at it this way Dad gave us the summer off because it 's the last one we get , before we go to work for the rest of our lives . Oh yea , when we pull up to the hotel watch what happens when I tell them to park this for the Sanders Suite , watch people go into overdrive , personally I think it 's funny . " Before long they pulled up to the Four Seasons and Michael was in awe of its beauty and splendor . " As they got out of the car Trent directed his attention to the valet . " We 'll be staying at the Sanders Suite if you 'd let them know , tell them my name is Trent Sanders . " The kid 's eyes popped open . " Do you have any luggage sir ? " There 's two small duffel bags in the back you can have them delivered to the room if you don 't mind . " Trent took Michael by the hand and whispered in his ear . " You are such a horn dog Trent . Okay now lets walk in slowly hand in hand and I 'll bet at least four to five people will be at the front desk to get us signed in and will ask nine hundred questions if we need anything special , the chef is still on duty if we are hungry , and blah , blah , blah . " This might be something you are used to but not me , let me enjoy it and don 't ruin it by making snide remarks about everything . " " No Michael , I know you and could see it in your face that you needed to get out of there and I knew I was the one that could accomplish that . But you can thank me later while I rip off your clothes . " They laughed as the doors were opened for them and Michael really began to grasp the grandeur and opulence of the hotel . With its rich tones of gold 's burgundy 's and deep rich blues , the furniture style befitting King Louis VI , everything gleamed . Large bouquets of fresh flowers hung from the high ceilings and smaller arrangements sat on coffee tables one on each side of the front desk . It all smelled freshly cleaned . " We 'll have Filet Mignon , make sure they are prepared Black and Blue , Baked Potatoes with sour cream and butter served on the side . We 'll have fresh Broccoli steamed with Lemon and for dessert make it a French Chocolate Mousse with Mango dusted with Cinnamon and to drink with that we 'll have a bottle of Dom Perignon chilled at thirty - three degree 's , not at thirty four degree 's or thirty - five degree 's , but thirty - three degree 's . I think that will do it . A very shocked attendant stood there speechless unsure whether to ask if Michael if he wanted anything more or not . An equally shocked Trent Sanders stood next a man he no longer knew . " Anything else we can do for you sir ? " He stood there on baited breath wondering what Michael was going to request next . " I 'd like that dinner delivered in one hour exactly and also I want a dozen yellow roses , a dozen white roses and a dozen red roses , all long stem . Tell the florist to make sure they are cut at a forty - five degree angle they will live longer that way . Deliver them with dinner . Not a second sooner or later . " Trent stood in awe at the performance that Michael was delivering at the desk , as if he had done it all his life . He was convinced that Michael was reborn and in an earlier life was someone that had too much money . Even more than Trent was use too , and that saying a lot . " Yes sir Mr . Sanders right away sir , if you would follow me please . " Michael took Trent by the hand and followed Mr . Kiss Ass to the Pent House Elevator . " Here 's your key gentleman . Would you be requiring a wakeup call in the morning ? " Trent entered the elevator leaving Michael to handle the man and answer his question . " My dear man I hope to hell I 'm still having sex tomorrow morning . However I am expecting a special package by currier I will need that delivered right away , so I guess you will have to wake me for that . Just make sure they send up a fresh pot of steaming hot coffee and some Danish to go with it . Thank you and good night . " He turned and walked into the elevator and Trent pushed the button to the Penthouse . As soon as the door closed Trent leaned against the elevator wall and broke into a fit of laughter . " You did not , I was impressed with the choice of dinner and the flowers just topped off the whole thing . I thought it was very romantic , it will be perfect when I give your gift later on . The elevator door opened and Michael just gasped at its beauty and views of the city form the large windows . David took his hand and took him to his favorite view from this room . They could clearly see the airport and the ocean from the view and all the lights were beautiful . " If you ever want to bring me someplace that brings peace to my heart , bring me here Michael . I love this view from there . I like it more from outside . Come one let 's go out . Trent opened the door and they walked out to the patio that was surrounded by statues of art and countless arrangements of flowers . Large flower , small flowers including all kinds of colors . Even at night they were beautiful and now Michael understood why Trent liked it so much . " Come sit with me Michael . " Michael went over to the lounger and sat in between Trent 's legs resting his back on his chest . Trent wrapped his arms around Michael 's chest and kissed the backside of his neck . Michael 's head fell to the side exposing his neckline to Trent 's kisses . Isn 't this perfect out of here right now ? Just the two of us . " " Yes Trent it is , something we haven 't had in a long time , time for just us . I 'm glad you thought of this . " He pulled up Trent 's hand and kissed it " I wish we could just sit here for the next few weeks and let the world go by . I 'm not even sure I want to go to my mother 's funeral I ' know that my father will be there and I don 't think I can face him I blame him for this , somehow I know he 's to blame . I feel it in my bones Trent , believe me when and if the truth ever comes out he 'll be the one behind it . " " Michael you could be right , but you should go to her funeral . My family will go with you and protect you from him coming near you , do you hear me ? " Michael nodded his head in agreement . " I will call the entire family together and they will build a wall around you to protect you from him getting to you . Or if I have to I 'll hire my father 's bodyguards to protect you , either way he will not get near you . Will you go for me ? I just don 't want you to regret this ten years down the road from now . I want you to be able to stand there in ten years and know that you were the bigger man for showing up . Remember she came to your graduation and to the party afterwards , at least she was trying to reach out for you . " Hold on a second . " Trent dialed his phone . Mom , yes we are settled in . Listen Michael is going to the funeral for his mother but I want family support and him being guarded by the family so that his father can 't get near him , he 's afraid of him and frankly so am I . Call the kids and have them flown in as soon as we know when the funeral is . Just call Mandy and ask her and let her know that Michael is attending , it will make her feel better , but don 't tell her any more than that . I trust Mandy , I just want Michael alone right now so he has time to think Mom . And just wait until I tell you what happened when Michael checked us in . I thought I was going to fall on the floor and pee myself . It was too funny . I wish I had a movie camera when I watched him with the front desk attendant I thought he was going to have the guy pee himself . Yea , I know Michael right , who would have thought that . Yea I 'll tell you about it . Night Mom . " " Come back over here and sit down in this chair for me . " Michael sat in the chair that Trent directed . Trent pulled up the chair that was on the other side of the table ; he sat himself in front of Michael . Michael could see that Trent was clearly nervous . " Come on Big Boy what 's making you so nervous all of a sudden ? Is there something that you 're holding back on me and haven 't said anything about ? Trent just kept shaking his head . " Well then just spit it out . Do you want to hold my hand and then tell me , will that help you ? " Trent looked at Michael and went to move his lips and the doorbell rang announcing their dinner . " I 'll get it Baby just wait here . " Michael went to the door and directed the waiter out to the patio . He proceeded to set up dinner for them and open their champagne and poured them each a glass . Michael tasted it like a pro and Trent smiled wondering where he had gotten this knowledge for someone who never supposedly lived in this fashion . This knowledge came from upbringing not a class taught here or there . But that was a conversation for another time and place . For now it was time to eat and ask other questions . They were both hungrier than they thought and they devoured dinner in short order . " Babe you can order a meal for me like that anytime . That chocolate dessert was the best I have ever eaten . And the flowers are beautiful . Now I have something for you . " Trent got up and began talking to Michael and about going away to school and not seeing each other for long periods of time . He told Michael how afraid he was of losing him to some sweet talking guy when he wasn 't going to be there to protect him and chase him off . And as good looking as he was guys were going to be hitting on him and the jealous side of him just couldn 't deal with it , it was eating him alive . " Trent , you have my heart and no one else will ever have it , no matter how much sweet talking someone did I would still be saying no to them . " He tried to assure Trent that no one would come between them in any way shape or form . " What would it take to convince you that I am yours and yours alone ? " Michael 's back was to Trent 's as he looked over the cityscape . Trent 's stomach was in knots , he felt like throwing up unsure of what Michael would say to him . Well at least he was pretty sure he would say yes . Up to now they hadn 't really discussed it seriously and he hoped he didn 't think that he was pushing Michael . But it still took all of his strength and courage to make this next step . He walked up behind Michael and told him to close his eyes . With his eyes closed Trent put a gold chain around Michael 's neck and fumbled for a minute but finally he turned the lock and secured the chain . He told Michael to told him and not to look down yet but to come with him and he took him by the hand and led him to the first mirror he could find Placing Michael in front of it , he told him to open his eye 's . Michael looked in awe at the gold chain and the pendant attached to it . It was about two inches long and a half - inch wide . On the face of it was a symmetrical design with carved ivory and small pieces of garnets . The carvings set in the gold were of two snakes intertwined with each other . One snake had garnet for its eyes representing Michael 's birthstone and the other snake had a reddish yellow topaz and then scattered around the two snakes were small baguettes of emerald green for blades of grass . It was beautiful . Michael looked at the reflection in the mirror and met the gaze of Trent looking at it with tears in his eyes . To actually see it on Michael took his breath away . Trent finally looked up to see Michael looking at him and blushed . " I don 't know what to say Trent this is a beautiful piece of jewelry did you get a loan from your Dad for this . This thing even feels heavy . The gold alone weighs a ton . I like the way the snakes are done . I take it they represent us ? " Trent nodded gently and kissed the back of Michael 's neck he wanted to see it on him with nothing else on his chest or hiding behind a shirt . He was happy with the design he had worked hard coming up with this for him . " I had it made for you Michael , I designed it and then worked with the jeweler for about a month until we got it to a point that I actually liked it and thought it was time to put it all together . " Trent took his arm and put around his waist and picked up the remote put on some music and they started dancing , whispering in his ear . " Mr . Michael Wayne Evans its not an engagement ring but I 've already designed it and you 'd make me the happiest man in the world if you would marry me . " Michael stopped and stood stunned in amazement at the chain on his neck . He threw his arms around Trent and began to cry . " How could I say no to you ? Yes Trent I 'll marry you of course I 'll marry you . And if getting married before we start school in the fall is what you want than it works for me . I just wish we were going to the same college our first few years of marriage . How long have you been thinking about this Trent ? " Since you got out of the hospital after you got attacked by Kevin , I 've known ever since then that I wanted you to be my partner for the rest of my life . And Mom and Dad thought I made a good choice She 'll be so excited to find out , she wasn 't sure when I was going to ask you . " " What better place than out there under the stars with the skyline behind us , a moment we 'll never forget Trent . I know I won 't . " Michael dropped to his knees and engulfed Trent 's cock into his mouth . Trent grabbed Michael 's hair and held his head in place as he slowly drove his cock gently in and out of Michael 's mouth . His knees grew weaker the longer Michael sucked on his cock . Not being able to stand it any longer he pulled him up by his armpits and wrapped his arms around him . " It 's my turn to make you feel that good . " Just as Michael had dropped to his knees Trent dropped to his and swallowed his cock as far as he could until he gagged . Attacking him a little more slowly he went back to his job and sucking his cock , soaking it , he wanted Michael inside of him tonight , he wanted to feel his love inside him . But for now he was content to run his tongue up and down his shaft sending shivers throughout his body . Michael grabbed his ass and kneaded the flesh stretching the skin around his hole making Trent that much hotter and desiring him that much more . Trent pulled away and grabbed Michael down further down on the lounge chair spreading his legs . Michael dove his face into Trent 's ass like a man on a mission someone who hadn 't eaten in weeks as his tongue lapped his hole . He soaked his hole with his saliva and drool " Harder Trent , I 'm so close take me over the edge Trent . . . . so close so near what you do to me ! Ropes of cum exploded from Michael 's cock and covered his stomach and then more was replaced with Trent 's as his orgasm hit and his semen mixed with Michael 's covering them both with heated semen . Their spent bodies collapsed on each other spent from a glorious round of sex . Separating themselves before the semen stuck them together they got up and led each other to the shower . The hot water cascaded over their sexually drained bodies refreshing them and recharging their sexual drives . Of course at their age a strong wind recharged their sexual thirst for each other . The shower had two sides that allowed you to sit and be under the water . Trent sat down as Michael washed his hair and upper body . Trent began to wash Michaels lower half , not sexually just gently caressing him affectionately . Before long of silently washing each other they changed positions and continued with their gently foreplay . They washed each other for fifteen or twenty minutes before getting out and drying each another off . Both shaved and brushed their teeth and climbed into bed . Michael curled up on Trent 's chest , closed his eyes smiling . " You did great Trent , did your mother help you ? And you better be honest because I 'm going to ask her , AND she will tell me Trent . And you know it . " " Okay I had help , but not from her , I asked my oldest sister Susan , she went with me and helped me decide to do something different for you . Not only that , but her husband owns this awesome jewelry store and he helped just as much , they were the first ones to know Mom and Dad were second . Sue and Denver knew as soon as I left store and when I walked in the door mother says she wanted to see what I bought at the jewelry store . But since I couldn 't show them right at that point they haven 't seen yet . " Trent Nicholas Sanders do you think your mother and father would be mad if we called them right now and I told them that I say yes to you asking me to marry you ? Besides we don 't have much time to plan this if we are going to do this before school . " " About that Michael , my mother has been doing a little planning just in case you said yes and it 's lined up for the third weekend of August so we have time for a honeymoon before school starts . Anything else I should know about it . She picked out a few caterers and cake places so we can decide on what we want and of course the colors and invitations have to be picked out and sent out in about two weeks . Of course there 's no pressure on you , Mom will help with anything you want her do as will dad . He 's so excited that he 's getting another son - in - law . " I just wish that my Mother was alive to share in my happiness . I know we hadn 't talked since I was thrown out I should have called but they could have come to me to , they had my phone number and my sister checked their phones to see and even my father still had my phone number in his cell phone . " I think her coming to your graduation party says to me that she was happy with you Michael I really do , just hang on to that memory . And you still have Mandy and you know she 'll be happy to help or at least be a part of it . " " I think I 'll ask Mandy to give me away and walk me down the aisle , what you do you think ? I think that would be a great idea Michael and I 'm sure she 'd love doing it . " I have a weird question to ask you Trent and I want you to think about this before you answer me . And I don 't mean for two or three minutes , I mean a few days . But is it going to be Mr . & Mr . Michael Sanders , or Mr . & Mr . Evans or Mr . Trent Sanders and Mr . Michael Evans ? Which one do you want ? " Okay I 'll think about it , but you have to think about it to . Think about what you want to do , not just want I want and in three days we 'll write it down on paper and throw them into a bowl and pick one out . And that 's what we 'll go with , how 's that ? " " Sounds good . Now let 's call your folks , ask for your Dad and hand me the phone , I want to tell him first he 's been so good to me Trent ; I want to be the one to tell him . I just had a great idea for your Dad and I 'm sure he 'll go along with it . " Trent picked up the phone and hit home and the phone dialed . His mother picked up . " No mom Michael needs to talk to Dad can you put him on ? " Trent handed over the phone to Michael who had a huge grin on his face . " Yes sir I 'm sorry for calling late but there 's something I have to ask you . Do I have to keep calling you Clay or can I call you Dad now that your son has asked to marry me ? Thanks Dad now I have one other question , but hold on one second . Trent go in the bathroom and close the door I have something I want to ask your Dad and I don 't want you to hear this and turn on the water and I better hear it running real quick , hurry up you 're the one that woke them up . " Trent begrudgingly walked into the bathroom , turned on the shower and closed the door . " Okay , so I have to ask if you 'd give me away ? I know I 'm asking a lot from you since you 've already done so much for me and given me so much . . . " " Slow down son , slow down , one thing at a time . First I 'd be honored to give you away Mike , second you don 't mind if I call you Buddy do you ? I know the nickname comes from Trent but I like it , it fits you . He told me just never say Little Buddy or I might get slugged . " Both of them laughed at the shared joke , it gave Michael a feeling of belonging to the family . Something Michael hadn 't felt in a very long time a true sense of family . " There 's something else you and I have to sit down and have a talk about at least now that you 're going to be family it will make it much easier for me and for you I think but that will wait until you and I have some alone time okay ? " " Sure thing Michael and take it easy while you 're there you two deserve some down time you 've been busting your asses at school . I know your influence over Trent is what got him to go to school . I don 't want to know how you talked him into it , or maybe I shouldn 't ask and just be glad he 's going . " Now he was being sarcastic knowing how easily Michael got flustered when sex was mentioned in the family . " Oh Sarah you should see what he got me I was never expecting something like this . No he didn 't get me a ring but I like it better , besides he said he 's already designed the rings and if they are anything like this they should be awesome . I can 't wait for you to see this it 's remarkable . Yes I promise I 'll take the pills as soon as they get here in the morning . I 'll let Dad tell you what I asked him to do so I 'm going to hang up now and let Trent come out of the bathroom so he can breathe . Okay I love you to , thanks for everything Sarah . " The door opened about two seconds after Michael hung up the phone and he was drying his hair with the towel walking around bare ass . Trent began pretending to dry himself off seductively using the towel in between his legs more like riding the towel back and forth would be a better description of Trent 's ability to be kinky and funny at the same time . What started , as a sexual come on to his boyfriend became more of a nude comedy act something off Broadway , way off , way , way off Broadway . Michael couldn 't utter a single word to Trent because of laughing . Trent was attempting to hang a heavy terry cloth towel off the end of his hard on ; they were interrupted by the ringing phone . " Hello . " Michael was waving his hand at Trent to stop what he was doing signaling to him that it was his mother on the line . He held up his finger to quiet Trent down . " No there 's no reason for you to come here now . Michael , the police were here looking for you , they haven 't been able to find your father . I don 't mean to break your happy mood right now but they will be back around eleven looking for you and I told them I would have you here . Dad and I will stand with you on this matter and he will have one of the companies lawyer first thing , he 's already put a call in to him tonight to be here . Just make sure you two are okay ? I love you Michael and I 'm glad Trent has finally asked you , he 's been a nervous Nelly since he got that thing . I can 't wait to see it . I love you Michael and we 'll see you in the morning with Trent 's little butt with you . Tell him this is a family gathering tomorrow one because of the engagement , and two you 're family now and now we stand together , be prepared I 'm sure the rest of the clan will be here tomorrow to see what Trent got you . We 've got some planning and few decisions to be made I 've set up a lot of stuff so that you and Trent just have to make decisions . Between me and the rest of the girls in the family and I invited Mandy to join us but I haven told her why , just told her you said she had to come those were your orders when you left with Trent . So she doesn 't know yet . I wanted you to surprise her . " " Yes mam we 'll be there in time don 't worry I 'll make sure he 's awake and his butt is in gear in plenty of time don 't worry . If he doesn 't get up he 'll find out what a cold shower in a warm bed is like . I 'll try and wake him nicely but I 've lived with him long enough to know how he is getting out of bed in the morning " . They curled back up in bed and Michael just laid on Trent 's chest running his fingers up and down not saying anything just listening to his best friend 's heartbeat . Before long they had fallen asleep with each other . At eight thirty there was a knock on the door . Michael ran to the door and went to open it when Trent yelled at him . " He 'll get a nice view if you open that door in your current state of dress Mikey . " Michael instantly realized that he was naked as the day he was born . " Throw me a robe smarty , please . " Trent threw the robe and he put it on . The package had arrived as promised from Mom and so had breakfast . Michael signed for the room service and pushed the cart into the room . " Depends on what you want sweetheart you tell me what you like best . Oh yea , by dinner tonight the whole family will be there happens any time someone gets engaged in the family , expect to be treated like royalty and to receive presents form the older crowd , the young ones will be taken to the mall to get us something , it 's just the way it 's been . The same thing will happen when it comes time for Yvonne , Randy and Daniel . You should cover that ass of yours so that we can eat breakfast otherwise I 'll never be able to finish my breakfast . " " Stop , Stop okay you win if you don 't stop Mikey I 'm going to pee on the bed . Ah , how you would you 'd explain that bill . I wouldn 't have to because you signed the bill smarty - pants . " You win this one but you better get in there and piss or so help me I 'll push you in the tub and tickle until you do pee and it won 't matter because it will just go down the drain . " " You are a kinky little fucker Michael , why I never knew , we might have to explore that side of you in the near future you kinky sex pervert . " Michael jumped off the bed and Trent ran for the bathroom . Michael rattled on the doorknob with both hands and Trent yelled at him to stop or he wouldn 't be able to pee . He tried to tell Michael he was pee shy when people tried to push him along to fast . Michael slide down the door laughing the whole way down . " Okay Big Boy but let 's get busy we have to be back at the house for the cops , they have more questions . Your Dad or should I say Dad is going to have the family there and I 'm to talk to him first before talking to anyone . That especially means the cops Michael and I 'm serious about this , do not piss off Dad this time , you do exactly as he tells you . And he 'll get you through this or he 'll have three hundred lawyers so far up the prosecutions ass they won 't see you until your fifty . Just trust my Dad Mikey if he thought for one minute you have something to do with this he wouldn 't care what happened to you . And you certainly wouldn 't still be in the house and him taking care of you . He knows good people when he sees them and he sees that in you . When we get to the house I 'm going to drop you near the James Bond door . Get in and just knock on the sliding door in case Randy is in there jerking off , he gets so pissed if we catch him doing it , even though we keep telling him that we all do it to . But I understand where he 's coming from . " " I 'll make sure to knock before I just bust in there . " " All right Mikey just get in the house and into your room and follow Dad 's lead when he comes to get you for the cops . Listen to Dad Michael he knows what he 's talking about and your one of his favorites right now I can tell . " " Call whatever you want Michael but I know my Dad better than you do and believe me when I tell you , your special to him , just enjoy it , it 's not a bad thing . You haven 't gotten your graduation present from him yet . I know he gave you the Rolex watch but there 's something he 's holding back on one and when the time is right he 'll give it to you and you will under no circumstances tell him you can 't accept it , it would break his heart Michael , remember that . Promise me Michael , promise you won 't break Dad 's heart when he gives this to you , he has given it a lot of thought and has asked all of the kids what we thought and we agreed with him . Just hug him and thank him when he gives it to you and I will love you for eternity Michael Wayne Evans . But then I 'd love you for eternity even if he didn 't give you this one special thing he has lined up for you . So relax for now and enjoy it soon enough he 'll give you your present , cry if you want babble if you want but make sure you thank him . I don 't even think he 'd mind if you kissed him on the cheek when he gives it do you . " " Who says it comes in a box ? " Trent smirked as he looked over at Michael 's face . Michael smacked him hard on the shoulder . If you going to keep that up I 'm going to claim that I fell and in trying to hold on before falling I hit you and then I 'll tell you how sorry I am and I make it all better . " No one would believe you anyway . I 'd be the saint . " " Me , I 'll claim the whole thing was staged and that I was tricked into the whole thing , they 'll still believe me more than you . May I remind you who the pro is here ? " Michael walked off smirking and wiggling his butt . " You 're too damn smart for your own good sometimes . Good thing I love that quality about you . So are you about ready to head home . Oh and start looking at houses that you might like to live in . One of our wedding presents from the folks will be our first house . Nothing major , something small for starters but something not too far away usually within ten to fifteen miles , so we can visit and so can they . " " It 's okay big guy you 're going to make it and you 'll be okay , it 's just going to take some time . " Trent hugged Michael and stood up and brought him up with him . " Come on let 's get out of here . I 'll call down and have the car ready for us when we get down there for you . After all you 're the one that 's been signing for everything and I JUST can 't wait to tell Dad what you spent , he 's gonna have a cow ! Michael couldn 't see the smirk on Trent 's face . He was totally white and looked like he was going to pass out . Trent couldn 't stand it and burst out laughing . And Michael realized he had been had . " Oh you asshole , you will so pay for this , if you thought my performance was good coming in , wait until you see it on the way out Trent . And of course my husband will be right by my side . The staff will be talking about it for the next two years about these two guys that spent the night in the penthouse . What do you think of those apples Trent old boy ? " Trent looked pleadingly at Michael . " This will be so good , just give me time to get dressed to think of something in case I have to bolt . " " Okay I 'm sorry , you 'll be good going out right ? Remember this is a company account and my Dad does a lot of business with them , we can 't draw to much attention to ourselves at this hour of the day Michael . I 'm just trying to tell you we do have limits to what we can pull off without getting our asses kicked by Dad , whether he likes you or not just remember that . Trent had a strong hold of Michael 's hands , kissing them and pleading with him not to make too much of a scene . " Now it was Michael 's turn to laugh . " All right Big Boy I guess we 're even on this one , but it was fun while it lasted you should have seen the look on your face just then , how 's that commercial goes about being priceless ? That was the look you had on your face and it was priceless to say the least . Damn good thing you 're cute . Michael and Trent made their way back to the house in time to meet with the local police . It was something Michael didn 't want to face . The police were aware of Michael 's relationship with his parents because of the attack from Kevin Cranston . Which going through his mind kept him thinking how could he not be a suspect ? His greatest answer was the number of people who were there and saw Michael going out the door a few second 's after it happened . Michael was always one that worried about the smallest detail and had all his life . Hiding his sexuality had inadvertently honed his skills of observation and to tap into a person 's emotional state . There were times he was grateful but for Michael it was a double edge sword , just as he had known that Kevin had presented himself with an inability to connect with people . Trent knew something was eating at him he hadn 't said two words since they had left the city . He patted the seat next to him to let Michael know he wanted him close him . He didn 't move but held out his hand and interlaced his fingers with Trent 's . " We still have about a half hour ride you want to talk about it ? Is it your mother you 're thinking about or your sister ? You haven 't talked to Mandy since Friday night at the party it 's not like you to go this long without talking to her . Why don 't you call her and see how she is . She might need you right now even if it 's only a five second conversation . " " I 've thought about her all weekend Trent along with losing my mother . I feel half heartless for not crying much over her death . She was my mother and I did love her . Her biggest problem in life was with an overbearing husband who wouldn 't have it any other way but his . I felt bad for her sometimes but it was her choice to stay with him and live the life that he wanted and commanded . She taught me a lot Babe mostly how to love someone . If it hadn 't been for her I don 't know where you and I would be . As much as she taught me to love she taught me about taking a chance and to let it happen when the right person came along . I heard her say it so many times that when it happens and you find that one person you 'll know . Perhaps it was her pride that kept her marriage to my father together all these years . " He picked up Trent 's hand and kissed it . He didn 't move any closer to Trent instead he laid his head on his lap . Trent reached his hand down to Michael 's chest and rubbed it slowly trying to bring him comfort without speaking . It was a problem for Trent to tell Michael how inept he felt discussing his insecurities with him . It also made it harder for Trent to find the right words to use that would make Michael feel better . He just didn 't realize how much of an impact his words had on Michael . Growing up Michael sought acceptance not just as a gay man but also as a man in his own right . Something he felt he lacked due to the rigidity in his life . A belief that came from his father repeatedly telling him that tears were a sign of weakness and only girls cried . It was part of that verbal abuse his father used that lashed out at him like a Australian bullwhip with its tips striking directly into his heart leaving it hurt and scared . He made a promise to himself when he thought of having a family that he would never treat a child of his in a manner that cut so deeply and knowing full well the sting of the whip left upon his heart . The tears began to fall ever so slightly and Michael buried his face in Trent 's thigh , the flood gates had opened and Trent brushed the hair away from Michael 's face quietly holding on to the man he loved with every fiber in his body . He wanted more than anything to take away his pain . A few minutes away from the house Trent pulled over and got Michael to sit up and sit next to him and put his arm around him to hold him . He took the Kleenex box from the door panel and handed Michael a few at a time , taking away the ones he had soaked through trying to compose himself and to stop crying . He just sat there with his head hung low his chin sitting upon his chest and the sobs began to subside . Trent reached over and picked up Michael 's chin and made him look him in the eyes . " If you have any problems with the cops when we get to the house , just look at me and say my name that 's all you have to do and I will end it right then and there . I will take you from the room and we 'll go upstairs to your bedroom and I 'll lock the door . And before we go in there and I forget to say this , I love you Michael Wayne Evans , you 're the best Little Buddy , more importantly you 're my Little Buddy . I know you don 't like me using that name but that 's what you are to me Michael , you 're my one and only Little Buddy don 't ever , ever forget that . Promise me . " " I promise Trent more than you 'll ever know how much I promise . I guess we should just go and get this done with so by tonight 's dinner we 'll be in better spirits than we are right now . " Trent pulled back up on the road and five minutes later was pulling up to the house . Michael looked and said nothing there were three local police cruisers , a state cop 's car and two limousines . " This is just way to many cars Trent I don 't like this at all , something isn 't right with this picture I just can 't put my finger on it . Stay close Trent , I mean it this time , like within a foot , I want you that close . Promise me ? " " I promise Baby now come on . Hey did you take any of those pills this morning ? " Michael looked away from Trent trying very hard to avoid his gaze . Trent had told him specifically to take one when they came and then another one right before they left the hotel . He hadn 't done either and he knew Trent was going to be pissed and the last thing he wanted was an argument . Trent spoke before Michael could say anything he just looked up into Trent 's face . His took his arm away from his shoulder and Michael immediately reached behind him to get the bag that had the pills in them . " Damn it Michael why didn 't you take them I purposely put one by your glass of juice when I reminded you and you said you wouldn 't forget . I know you don 't like taking them but this is a day that it might be smart so you can keep yourself calm . That 's why I got it out for you this morning and put it right by your juice so you wouldn 't forget . " Michael wasn 't showing anything no emotion , nothing just a blank stare . " I 'm sorry Trent , you 're right maybe I did it intentionally I don 't know I certainly didn 't think that way when you reminded me and I looked right at . I 'm not making any excuses for what I should have done and you 're just trying to protect me . It will only take about twenty minutes to half an hour to work , well not fully but it will at least start . " " That 's bullshit and you know it don 't do that to me Mike I don 't like getting shit shoveled at me , it 's beneath you to do that . " Michael could tell that Trent now was pissed and he was right which didn 't give much room for Michael to say anything at the moment . " Just sit here for a minute and don 't get out . I 'm going to buy you about five to ten minutes if I can . I 'll take the bags in and just harness Mom by telling her you need a few minutes and she 'll take care of it from there and any problems that arise she 'll squash . Now give me a hug and a kiss , I want you to know I still love you but I 'm not mad at you I 'm just mad you didn 't take the fucking pills , which I can 't say I can blame you for I wouldn 't want to take them either . " Trent leaned into Michael and grabbed him and rubbed his back almost roughly but with understanding . He got out and opened the back door and took the bags , Michael watched him walk around to the back of the house . Michael wondered why he hadn 't gone up the stairs like Trent had originally thought of when making plans to come here this morning but it was too late for that now . He sat there and let his head lay against the head rest and was startled when there was a knock on the window Sarah stood there looking at him and he reached for the door to open it but she was a second or two ahead of him and he missed the handle and she had the door open and grabbed him out of the seat and had her arms around him . She held him as a mother holds a child that 's hurt and needs no words just an understanding hug . He sighed a heavy release from that hug knowing as a mother that he would be okay and come through this next event in his life with his head held high . He looked up at her and half smiled , but she could see he was holding back the tears . Not knowing how much he had or hadn 't grieved since seeing him Friday night she didn 't want to push him to far today . Today was a day to support him and get through the police horseshit , which is what she was calling it as her and Clay discussed this morning over coffee . " OH Michael it 's beautiful , much better than a ring for you guys . I like the stones and the two snakes but the grass really makes it look nice . It 's not overdone or dumb looking , very classic and manly . Now the rings I have a little more of an idea on and sometime this week we are going to the jewelers and get them ordered . Never mind that there are other pressing matters at the moment . I 'm going to prepare you a little for what 's going on in there and why they wanted you . Dad and the lawyer will be out in a few minutes for him to meet you and decide how this is going to be handled . First Michael sit down in the truck you know this is going to be bad news , mostly you know but there are a few details you didn 't or don 't know about . I 'm sorry about your mother honey I think she came that night in hopes of talking to you . I invited her by asking your sister for her to come I feel awful that it happened when it did . " " Do the cops know anything at this point of who might have done it ? I know you said last night that he couldn 't be found . Any word on him this morning ? " " Not that the cops are saying anyway . They have Kevin Cranston in custody , anyway they have him and they picked up on Friday night . He doesn 't have a good very believable alibi from what I 've heard but who knows . " " Have they found my father yet ? " Michael wasn 't sure if he cared or not where his father was . He wasn 't sure that he even cared anymore . " Not that I know of and I think that 's the main reason they 're here today . They want to ask you what you may or may not know . I know you don 't know anything since you 've been here you haven 't talked to him how would you know ? " " I know they 're just doing their job , so I might as well just do this and get it over with . " Clay and the lawyer turned the corner from the back walk heading towards Michael and Sarah . Michael got out of the truck and hugged Clay . " Michael Evans this is Mr . Richard Brockton . Richard I 'd like you to meet the newest member of the Sanders growing family . I have been fortunate to be gaining both another son and son - in - law come the end of August I 'm sure you 'll be getting an invitation to come . Trent and Michael will be exchanging theirs on the third weekend in August I believe . " Richard stepped forward and shook Michael 's hand . " Nice to meet you , and congratulations to you and Trent . Since the police are waiting our arrival I 'll make this brief Mike , do you mind if I call you Mike ? " Michael shook his head agreeing with being called Mike . " Ok Mike I don 't see any problems here at all with the conversations I 've had with Clay and Sarah this morning my understanding is that you have had no contact with your father since moving in here with the Sanders is that right ? " " Then this shouldn 't take long , I 'll be standing beside you the whole time or sitting whatever happens . If at any time for any reason you don 't want to answer a question , just look at me . I 'll take it from there in consideration of whatever is being asked . If at anytime I tell the police that my client doesn 't want to discuss that unless it becomes completely necessary then that means you don 't talk until I tell you to okay ? " Michael liked this man he was straightforward and held no punches back . " It 's in your hands than Mr . Brockton I think I 'm ready to handle this . I will say this and I 'm not trying to sound like I 'm trying to hide anything but I have just lost my mother and I have taken a sedative the doctor ordered me to take , if it anytime I say I want to be left alone you will insure that will happen ? " " Perfect , let 's go do this . " The four of them walked into the house . Michael entered first and all eyes were on him . Joshua had just rounded the corner coming from the dining room . He immediately came to Michael and hugged him . " Good morning Michael , I 'm Captain Jack Barrolls from the Massachusetts State Police , this is Detective Charles Ryan and Detective Brandon McGuire from . . . " There were two other local policemen standing between the dining room and the kitchen . Jack Barrolls was a big man was Michael 's first impression . He had to stand at least six foot six or maybe seven or eight inches tall . He was trim but his shirt was tight around the chest . He was definitely in good shape . Michael laughed at himself when he caught himself thinking that the man would make a good poster boy for the State Police . He commanded attention whether he had been gay or straight . " Good morning and I know the detectives from earlier . They 've been helpful with my problems with Kevin Cranston . " As they sat down Joshua brought Michael his coffee and a Danish so he had something to munch on in case he was hungry he knew Michael would at least pick at it while sitting there and talking to all of the cops that were there . Jack Barrolls was the one to start things . " You said not physically did he sexually abuse you ? " The question threw Michael off completely . He didn 't say anything for a few minutes . He looked over at Trent who had been standing against the wall since they had come in . " I won 't answer that question ; it has nothing to do with this . Let me correct myself and tell you no he did not sexually abuse . The next question that has anything to do with sexual innuendos will end this whole question and answer period . Does that make it clear for all of you ? " Trent at the moment was never so proud of Michael as he was right then . He had never seen Michael stand up to people of authority like that . Clay sat next to Michael just as pleased to see him defend himself . " My apologies Mr . Evans if I offended you that was not my intention I assure you . " Michael said nothing more waiting for them to continue so that this would end . " No , you might want to check with the base he might be out on maneuvers . Other than that there 's nothing else I can tell you about him . I 'll be honest I 'm not really concerned with his whereabouts as I 'm sure you can imagine . If you have any questions about my mother I 'll be happy to answer them . But questions about my father are over . " " The detective 's looked at each other . Michael picked up his coffee and ate some of his Danish he was glad that Joshua had brought it to him after all . Thinking of Joshua his arm went by Michael to pour some more coffee for him and Michael looked up at him and wiggled his Danish signaling Josh for another , he smiled at him and gave Michael a nod . " Do you have any idea who might want to do this to your mother ? " Excuse my confusion do you mean your mother called you so she could come here ? " " I 'm sorry I 'm just use to calling Sarah Mom since I 've lived here as long as I have and since she 's going to be my mother - in - law soon I just call her that sometimes . " Sarah sat a little taller in her seat and smiled she felt so proud of Michael at this very moment . Not so much because of the mom thing but because he was handling himself so well . Sarah spoke up to close that line of questions . " I was the one that invited his mother . I had asked his sister Mandy to tell her mother that she was welcome to come to his and Trent 's graduation party . Michael didn 't know that I had done that I was hoping that it would help them talk to each other or at least open the door and give them at least a chance . I 'm sorry now that I had Michael . Maybe this never would have happened . " It 's not your fault Mom ; you didn 't know someone would do something like this . And I 'm still glad that had asked her and that she had come , at least it told me that she at least wanted to talk to me . I think maybe Mandy was telling me what was going on at home that Mom was accepting me being gay and was using this party as a way to talk and not get all emotional , my mother didn 't like making scene 's in public places she believed that was for at home when there was a problem . " " Thank you Michael , thank you all for your hospitality and I 'm sure we 'll be in touch . If you hear from your father please let us know where he is we definitely want to talk to him . I want you to know that he is not considered a suspect at this time . But the longer time goes by and we don 't hear from him the more suspicious it makes it look for him . " The crowd of police all left and everyone was quiet for a moment . Richard Brockton broke the silence . " Michael I think you handled yourself very well , you were articulate and kept to the point and made sure they did to . If they come around while your alone , say nothing but be polite and call me directly and immediately . If they want to stay tell them they will have to wait outside until your attorney comes here . If for some ungodly reason they want to arrest you for who knows what , go peacefully and the first chance you get call me or have someone here call but call as soon as you can , the quicker I can step in , the faster I can have you out of jail . But as I said I don 't see that happening I don 't think they are looking at you as a suspect in this matter , so don 't worry about that . And now folks , I 'm going home to relax and one of grandson 's has a birthday today and if Pops isn 't there Pops will be what 's for dinner . " Trent was on Michael like a new suit . " Come on everybody sit down here and lets have Joshua feed us and we have a few hours before everyone shows up , just don 't eat much , keep it light I know Joshua has a feast for tonight , and everyone will be here , the whole clan is coming I 've checked so there will be a full house again tonight . But this will be strictly family . Michael I 've tried calling Mandy all weekend but I haven 't gotten a call back , have you talked to her ? " Michael hadn 't talked to Mandy in the past few days possibly since before the party anyway . He would try calling her after they enjoyed themselves a bit . Come to think of it she hadn 't even called about her mother either . Well she must have figured that the major would be taking care of all those details . He remembered then that Mandy had mentioned something about going away for the weekend with her boyfriend . He 'd wait until tomorrow to really get in touch she 'd probably either call or show up by then . " I 'm sorry but mind was roaming about my sister but then I remembered she did mention something about going away this weekend with her boyfriend , at least I think it was this weekend . " But now Michael was getting a little worried about where his father was he may have hated the man right now but he was still his father and for the both of them to just drop out of sight especially right after his mother being killed . Maybe they both took off , Mandy went with her boyfriend and maybe his father didn 't feel like dealing with anything at the moment or anyone . That was most likely what the situation was and tomorrow he 'd hear from her and she would know where their father was . As much as Sarah said that everybody would be there tonight most of them had already had arrived earlier today . Some had gone riding , some were out by the pool entertaining little ones . Trent 's brothers would surely be the last ones to arrive . Stephen , Peter and Roy were always the last ones to arrive when it was a command performance . They didn 't mind the three of them were very competitive and each involved with one or two sports teams or coaching young kids . Susan and Melanie were here with their kids already and their husbands Kenneth and Denver who had taken off to get a round of golf in . Danny and Yvonne and Randy were here . So the house was going to be pretty busy for the day . Trent wanted to get away but knew his mother wasn 't going to let that happen today . She had the day planned from about four o ' clock on . Clay wanted to talk to Michael alone and was nervous as hell about asking him his current thoughts . Michael was hard to read sometimes and his pride was easily shaken by Clay 's generosity although he had made great strides in doing better since being here and now getting married to Trent that had really pushed a lot of Michael 's walls down in accepting things . His thoughts today had actually started back about two months after Michael moved in and he had discussed it with Sarah at length and she liked the idea from the start . But he wasn 't so sure that Michael would like it and now Clay thought the timing might suck since his mother had just been killed . But it had to be done he had to at least plant the seed in Michael 's head . " Michael , can I have a few minutes of your time ? I 'd like to talk to you about something ? " Michael looked at Trent and he just shrugged his shoulders . " Just go talk to him babe I 'm sure he 's just worried about you . He has been since you 've been here , you know he loves you Michael , just like he loves the rest of us , he considers you as his own . He 's liked my other friends that have stayed here , but you are different and you got into his heart just like you got into mine , well you know what I mean . Don 't be nervous just don 't talk to him and whatever he says just tell him you 'll think about it whatever it is . " " You honestly don 't know ? " Trent picked up Michael 's chin and looked him in the eyes . " No babe I don 't but I 've known him my whole life but when he 's like this I know he 's up to something I just don 't know . He was ecstatic when you finally said yes to the car . He made me promise not to tell you , but I will , he cried the night you came home with your car . It made him so happy , he feels like you 've been let down in your life by people that shouldn 't have . He 's just trying to make you feel like you belong here whether you 're my boyfriend or not . Oh hell Michael I can 't do this just trust me and listen to Dad , I do know what 's going on the whole family does all the kids know and they have agreed to what he wants to do . I 've already said too much and if I keep talking I 'll be telling you and he 'll be pissed at me for saying anything I 've already . I 'm not going to say anything else babe but know this , my father loves you very much and feels you have been dealt a raw deal in life and that your parents have been fools not seeing what other people see in you . Promise me that you will listen and think about what he 's going to say ? For me ? " Trent kissed Michael and pushed him towards his father office and gently patted him on the ass as he passed by him . Michael turned and smiled at him and was suddenly scared to death as to what Clay was going to say to him . His mind was racing at one hundred miles an hour thinking of what he could possibly be thinking to have Trent saying in what he said . Michael entered his office and Clay walked behind him and closed the door Michael felt like he was going to faint he was shaking like a leaf . " Michael Wayne stop you are shaking , I can feel it from here . I 'm not going to bite your head off and I 'm certainly not going to throw you out of this house . Stop your worrying . " " That 's better , now sit down and I do want to talk to you so I won 't drag this out and keep you guessing because I 'm sure he 's said enough to make you wonder , but hasn 't told you what it 's about . Am I right ? And remember Michael I know my son better than you do . " Michael smiled and nodded his head . " That 's one of the things I 've come to love about you Michael you 're honest and don 't pretend about anything . You know what you want and you 're willing to sacrifice to get it . And I 've seen you show me time again that I 'm right . What else did he tell you ? " " Yes Michael I promise it will stay between us , and that 's something I need you to remember anything you and I ever say to each other when we are alone is between you and I , just like all my other children . And I think Trent the big mouth will tell you the same thing . " Michael laughed about Trent . " I 'll have to remember to have him thrown in the pool by his bigger brothers . I 'm getting to old to do that but they will throw him in if I tell them to and that includes you to , you 'll get to help him go in and just before he goes in make sure you whisper in his ear what it 's for . Just say Dad says you 're a big mouth . " They both laughed . I 've been writing for a few years now and have come to enjoy the feedback I get from you guys . A lot has to do with why I keep writing . I use to be a personal chef but no longer work , I 'm retired . Did so at the age of 49 . having fun just enjoying life . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . 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The boys really were tired , from two days on the go , full of activities , so I woke up before them and had showered by the time they got out of bed . T . treated " Boo " and " Kitty " to fried eggs for breakfast again , which they truly enjoyed . We prepared ourselves , after one look out the window , for a day full of rain and maybe also cold weather . What was really annoying this morning , was the dampness in the holiday let rooms at Bindesbølgård farm . We had noticed it already the previous day , but now it was getting upsetting . The flat was intended to house five people , but there were no hooks for towels . We had to drape them over all the chairs , and they never dried . I am not too happy to wipe myself on an already wet towel . And the bathroom was wearing our patience thin . When you showered , the water went all over the bathroom floor , but when you after the shower , tried to scrape it down the sewer , it just floated out over the floor again ! We all had to take off our socks , before going in there , during our entire stay , since the socks would get wet , the floor never drying . And we had to have the bathroom carpet outside the door , so we could wipe our wet feet on it , coming out of the bathroom . For the price we paid , these things were really annoying . As was the fact that there was no fan above the stove , so that the entire flat got smokey , when frying food . This morning , we also had another nasty experience . Since it was damp in the flat , I walked around in my underwear after showering , as did my husband , because he is always overheated . The front door have a big window in it , with a thin net covering it , but that did not prevent people from staring in . When I got out of the bathroom , naked , on my way to get underwear , the neighbour flat 's two kids stood and just stared in through the window . Not a meter from the door , but with their noses pressed to the window , in order to see everything . Honestly ! I can not abide parents who do not keep an eye on their kids ! We are always expected to have 100 % control over all our kids , but others seem to be allowed to do whatever . And this was rude ! I screamed and ran in to the bedroom and got my underwear on , but it was too hot / muggy to get fully dressed , yet . When I got out and started packing for the day , an adult woman stood and stared in to the flat , just like the kids had done . Are people insane ? I just stared at her in disbelief and hope she felt ashamed of herself , but who knows . Silently I was cursing under my breath though , since the owners of the flats , could do a lot to improve those flats . One thing would be to exchange those doors ! So one can not look in through them ! And of course the bathrooms really need to be sorted out . It is disgusting and unsanitary . All that said , what about Legoland ? Our feelings were somewhat muted that morning , thanks to it pouring down rain . We had to travel to Legoland already dressed in rain clothes and wellingtons . But we had decided that the rain was not going to spoil our day . This day , since it was a Sunday , they did wait till 1000 sharp , before the magical gate went up and everyone ran to the ticket machines , which let you in . " Kitty " was upset at the amount of people still there in the rain , but I told him that it was nothing to what it could have been and that the park is big , so when everyone spread out , it would not feel like a lot of people after all . As the day before , we headed for the information , to receive the handicap cards for " Gubby " and " Boo " . This time it went quicker , since we were already in the system . They got stamps on another hand than the day before , just to make sure . How could we afford two days at Legoland , you might wonder ? Well , on the bags for hamburger buns and hot dog bread , you have received adult freebie tickets for Legoland , for probably the last six months ! You can only use the ticket when you pay the full price for a child , but it is still a big saving ! And when you go a second day , you get to buy your tickets for a third of the regular price . Well , maybe not exactly a third , but it sure is less than half the price ! So , it does not have to be as bad as you think . If you hate hamburgers and hotdogs , the toy shop BR usually offer free child tickets , if your children join their club . And why not ? It does not cost a thing , your child gets a free Birthday present each year , you get bonus stickers every time you shop and they have special membership prices , sometimes , on chosen toys . So , all in your favour ! When we got in , the boys started to discuss where to go first and almost took off when I told them , to follow me . I had made an important decision the night before . There is something called the SEAT traffic school . Your entrance ticket to Legoland , lets you ride on everything , except going to the SEAT place . That costs 80 DKK . What it is , is small cars moving on electricity . Not fast . The children with these special tickets , are supposed to drive around a course looking like a little town , with traffic lights , roundabouts , petrol station , car wash … The goal is to get a little driver 's license . But you are supposed to follow the traffic rules and not crash in to other drivers . ALL my children have begged to get to go on this . And I have always said NO . Because I had a traumatic experience from that place , from " childhood " . Let us reminisce together : My father died when I was 14 . My sister was 9 . Eight months later , our neighbour 's daughter , 16 years old , begged my mother to persuade her mother , to buy a trip to Gran Canaria . My mum did not just persuade Karin to go there with her daughter , she also booked a trip for the three of us . Feeling that our life had been so sad for years and that we needed a break . In San Augustin , my mother met another single mother , vacationing there with her two children . The boy was the same age as my sister and the girl , the same age as our neighbour 's daughter . The mother became friends with my mother and that summer , when I was 15 , we went to visit them in Stockholm and then she came with her son , to visit us later on , the same summer . But our town being a very boring one , was not much to host in , so it was decided that we would go to Legoland . Back then , all of the personnel , were basically grown ups . Grumpy middle - aged people , most of them . Especially the ones running the traffic school . I was too old to go to it of course , but Christian and my sister being ten years of age , insisted on going through that one . My sister did not know the traffic rules very well though or at all . She sat down in that car and took off without a care in the world , driving the way she pleased . The Danish men stood and screamed in their microphones , over the loud speakers , in Danish , at her that she was breaking the rules ! They were furious , but her not understanding a word of Danish , was not troubled at all . She was clueless as to who they were shouting at . And I , who understood Danish , stood there ashamed . In those days , you only got a driver 's license if those men determined you had done a good job out there on the course . Let us be honest and admit that my sister did not receive one and Christian did ! And my mum scolded my sister and asked her why she did not obey the men 's instructions on the loud speakers . I never wanted to go through something like that again . I felt ashamed of my stupid sister . And in latter years , when I became a mother myself , I was not going to let my children be treated in the manner she was and stand there with empty faces , not receiving a license like all the other children . I have not wanted to subject them to that , to failure in an amusement park , which is supposed to be all about having fun . And I must also say , that I have not felt the wait , worth it . It being the most popular place in the park ! But my little boys have looked at it with longing eyes and nagging with their mouths , for years . In 2013 , 2014 and on the 3 September 2016 . I told T . about my plan . Go there first , before the queues . And explain our situation . So we went there , and the boys could hardly believe their eyes . That they were going to get to do it . Last opportunity for " Kitty " as it turned out , since you have to be between 7 - 13 . Turned out , he just made it being 12 and so did little " Gubby " , just having turned 8 . I held up the handicap cards and told the man at the payment desk : " All three of my boys are autistic , even though only two carry the cards today . They so much want to do this , but they do not really know the traffic rules . You can 't scream at them . You need to explain to them calmly , both one and two times , for them to understand what you mean . And the little one , is very scared of everything , he is insecure and afraid of making a mistake , so he will need extra guidance . Can this be done ? " . He assured me that they would take extra care of them . So I paid , and " Gubby " started to worry , even though their ride was not until 1100 . To make him calm down , we went over to some of the Duplo rides , which we never got around to the day before , out of lack of time . Soon , it was time to show up at SEAT and all eager children had gathered by the gate . Legoland is really run by personnel aging between 17 - 20 now . So , a young girl and a young man stepped forward and explained , in all languages , the basics of traffic rules and signs . All children holding a flag , showing what country they were from . I had to step up and tell the young man speaking Norwegian and not Swedish , that he had lost " Gubby " from the word go , my son staring off in to space with his " Chinese face " , not hearing a word . From my place I had to quickly do a summary for " Boo " and " Kitty " while the two " teachers " took photos of the children and tried to explain simply , for " Gubby " . He stood and tugged at the young man 's shirt and said " Will you please sit in my car ? " and when the young man looked at me , I nodded and whispered " please " . And then , there was nothing T . and I could do ! " Boo " drove a little bit like my sister did , back in time . He crashed in to people , he forgot to put out his arm to indicate where he was going to turn , but he had such a fun time and not a soul screamed at him . " Kitty " had a big smile on his face throughout . " Gubby " looked worried and looked at the young man for assurance the entire time . But towards the end , when the young man jumped off the car to sort out a crash , T . called out to him and said " Drive ' Gubby ' , you can do it ! " . And he did ! He drove in to get petrol ( pretend of course ) and he drove in to the car wash as well . Then he got stuck there , so the young man returned to him . But the boys came out with big smiles on their faces and little licenses in their hands , the " teachers " asking for us all to applaud , which we of course did . I know it was an expensive treat , but how often do we do something like this ? And it is not fun to always scrimp and save when on vacation , like I do . Sometimes it is just nice to treat the children to that little extra , if one can . We headed for the Ninjago area next , since we were right next to it , and went through the ride again . I insisted on " Kitty " going in our carriage , since " Gubby " and I did not know what to do and perhaps he could show us ? He did before it started and we did pretty well , as a team , actually . " Kitty " deciding to play for two people , thinking that would raise our score . I am not sure it would have differed , but he was proud of himself that he played two tables ! Both boys really wanted the picture and I did have it put in a plastic frame which squashes around some gel - like fluid , when you move it . They actually offer it in the place and we chose red gel . But the rain was now pouring down worse than ever . The fight started for keeping everything in the pram dry or as dry as possible . So we had to put the frame in a safe spot . I was just happy that it had only sprinkled when the boys were at the traffic school . The poor children after them , must have suffered . We tried to go through the laser maze now , when there was no queue at all , and sorry , but it was pathetic . No , actually " Kitty " thought it fun . He has ADHD as well as autism , and his body parts always seem to be all over the place . He might actually like parkour ? We walked in like Michelin men to this activity . You get to two rooms and choose which to queue for . When it is your turn , you push a button which says easy or difficult . Now , the day before , I wore ballerina shoes , a T - shirt and comfortable Capri trousers , which let me move . This day , I was wearing jeans Capri trousers , shirt , hoodie , rain jacket , too big rain trousers since mine have disappeared , Doc Marten 's boots on my feet and a rucksack on my back . Not quite as Ninja - like as I would have wished . After pushing the button , these laser beams stretch all over the room and like a burglar at a museum , you have to pass from one door through the room , to the opposite door . Not touching the beams and being timed ! I tried my best for the sake of my children , but my rucksack caught all the beams . Finally , I just stopped right in the middle of the room and took it off , but this lost me a lot of time , so I was out . " Boo " watched " Kitty " in the other room and said " He was crazy , he just flew through that room like a Ninja " , so little brother was impressed with older brother ! None of the two Ninjago activities were fun enough , to try them a second time that day . T . and " Boo " tried to do the Ninja reaction booths outside the building , but " Boo " with his motor problems , did not manage to hit a single lamp , which was the goal , and T . was not much better than his son , so we left disappointed with that area of the park . Instead we headed for the Duplo things we had not done before the traffic school , then we took the Legotop , which is just a scenic tour up in the air , because I got motion sick on the Duplo airplanes ! From there we headed down to all the FUN rides . We all went on the Dragon , even though coming out of the mountain , ment being in a regular shower ! Or like I have named it , Noah 's Ark rain . T . wanted to buy a fun family picture in a kitchen magnet . But " Gubby " and I just could not get ourselves to look in the camera , when all that water splattered our faces , so we looked down and ruined every photo ! We had to give up and decided to make a magnet of the previous day 's best picture ! I would say , that we went on all the rides we went on the previous day , which you can read about in my previous post , with a few alterations . " Kitty " and I managed to get " Boo " to come with us on the superfast rollercoaster X - treme Racers . And T . and " Kitty " managed to get him to go on the Polar X - plorer . So his fears are finally gone ! But " Gubby " totally refused , so we went and did the insane thing : We bought " Mamma Is " ( see my previous post from Legoland 3 September ) ! I would have liked to have bought it at the end of the day , but you always over - estimate how much time you have left then . You want to ride till the moment the rides close down , and by then , the shops have closed too . I don 't know how many times I have run across all of Legoland , to make it to this or that shop , for a child who has finally decided what souvenir they want , arriving with my heart pumping uncomfortably hard , all sweaty . I did not want a repeat of that in the rain . Especially since we had to make it to the restaurant , before they closed the ordering , and the main photo stall , to have the family kitchen magnet made . Everything it turned out , was closing earlier , since it was off - season and a Sunday . Something I had missed when planning the trip and making bookings ! So , while the others rode the Polar ride over and over again , " Gubby " and I stood and looked at each penguin 's face till we found the right one . It had to be packed in two plastic bags to prevent it from getting soaked ! And be put under all our things , in order to prevent a theft . Since it was raining so bad , we realized we could not sit down and get breads and such out for lunch . We had to succumb to foolery and eat ice - cream for lunch . The boys did not mind , not at all . But we were all disappointed , since the same thing that happened to us in our village , on the last day of school , 2015 , happened here . Different people make different size ice cream cones . The ones we got the day before , 3 September , were big and worth the price , the ones handed to us this day , were small and definitely not worth the price . The children whined at the tiny little over - priced cones and I was boiling on the inside , because this was deceit . But what can one do about it ? Nothing ! We did go on all the water rides and the Viking ride was actually amusing in the rain , since by now , it was just sprinkling . We ended up sitting with two Dutch men of about 30 - 35 . They were not wearing any rain clothes and looked at us all in rather an amused look . They saw me prepare for the gigantic slide , where you get really splashed , by pulling " Gubby 's " hood over his head , since he does not want wet hair , and pulling my hood over my head , trying to protect my glasses . Then we arrived by the lift that takes you up to the top of the slide . Everyone screamed in glee since that is when you know who will get splashed the worse ! The one 's who will face the slide with their backs , will be drenched and this Dutch man turns to me in horror and says " Can I borrow your rain clothes ? " . We laughed since we knew it was too late and he , " Gubby " and I prepared ourselves for getting drenched , us being the ones facing the slide backwards . Not a ride to go on without rain clothes ! When the day started to draw towards its end , panic struck . Which rides to go on when you have very little time left and it being the last day there ? The boys had gone on the Safari ride for cute photos and while T . and " Boo " went to the haunted house , " Kitty " and " Gubby " went on the lighthouse one , where the persons have to pull themselves up with a rope , in order to create a free fall . The girl dressed as a pirate had " Gubby " laughing out loud , teasing them with a sword , pretending to try to cut their feet off . " Kitty " was also totally up for the game , trying to stay out of her reach . I stood there contemplating how some of the youths working at Legoland really are troopers . They do their best to stay cheerful and make it a good experience for the children visiting , even if the weather is poor and depressing . We went on the mini - boats , even though this grandmother stood and accused " Kitty " of poor manners , because " he chose to go alone in a boat , when others were waiting in queue " . Stupid cow ! He was with us and you are not allowed to sit three in one boat ! Nor is there room for three people . But people just can 't keep their mouths shut can they , even though they know nothing of the background . I made sure to say something to him , just as we passed the cow , so she saw that he was part of a group and us being in the boat ahead of him . I am not going to take verbal abuse laying down ! When we only had a half an hour left , we split . T . and the older boys wanted to spend their last minutes on the Polar X - plorer and " Gubby " wanted to spend it on the Ice - pilots . Then we had gone one last time as a family , on the Dragon , but the photo came out bad again , since we were placed far back and not in the tree first carriages . " Gubby " and I , managed to squeeze in three times on the Ice - pilots , even though there was a long queue the last two times . He was as worried as before , demanding to know if this or that couple had programmed a fast program or a slow one . I had to calm him down and reassure him over and over again , that I had programmed for a slow program . Funny actually . The first time , it was really slow . We ended up sitting staring up in the ceiling a lot and " Gubby " asked me " What are we doing here ? " . I had to laugh and say " You wanted this move ! " . The two last times , I made sure we would not be on our backs staring at the ceiling , because there is nothing funny in that at all . When we were on our way out , when the ride was closed , these ten teenagers snuck in the exit way , trying to get on one more ride . They ran us down actually and " Gubby " said " Where are they going , you said it is closed " . " Yes , it is closed and if they get in there , they still don 't have any cards with a program on it , so what they are doing is stupid ! " . We met the others and decided to divide and conquer . We ran to the restaurant and I took one quick look on the menu and said that I did not want to eat another bland pizza , with only a couple of pieces of bacon . So I told T . to order Fettucine Salmone for me , an expensive dish , but I was sure it would taste better than the pizza . And then I quickly got the boys to tell me what they wanted : " Gubby " insisted that he wanted Spaghetti again . He refused to eat anything else , even though I tried to make him try something different . " Boo " wanted the same as the day before as well , the chicken on a stick and Lego chips and this day , " Kitty " would get the same thing , since he envied his brother 's food so much , the night before . T . went inside with everyone to get a table and order , while " Kitty " and I ran off to order the family photo , in a fridge magnet and then go and buy his souvenir from the Lego shop . Unfortunately , since it was off - season and Sunday , the rides closed 17 : 00 already , and the park 18 : 00 . Very sad ! We had already been in the shop , the evening before . But the boys had got overwhelmed . It was hot , too many people , and they saw what other people bought . BIG boxes . And I had put a limit to what I was willing to pay for souvenirs . " Kitty " had not saved a penny , but he has such a difficult time to save for things . His ADHD demands instant gratification . I was not going to rub it in his face and ruin our holiday . So , I agreed to buying him one thing , but not anything expensive . Same thing for " Gubby " . I was very proud of " Boo " actually having saved up quite a bit , for something . All spring and summer , he had collected cans for Legoland . But at Legoland , your money do not stretch far . So , his money was not enough for the boxes which tempted him . We had to go home and discuss things Saturday evening . I told the price limit and I informed " Boo " how much I would be willing to add to what was missing , but that there was a limit to how much I would add . Now , we entered the shop and literally ran to get the box with the Corvette , which " Kitty " wanted . Then I stood there and did not know what " Boo " would want from the lower price range . After all that saving , I could not have him go home empty handed . So I took a photo with my mobile and sent " Kitty " to the restaurant , in order to ask his brother , if this was a box he was interested in . " Kitty 's " body parts flaxing all over , took off like a sprinter and was back in no time . Yes , that was an agreeable box , so that sorted we were almost ready to leave . We picked some pixel Lego bags , to have at home for everybody to play with , since they were on sale , a popsicle tray with a lid , to make funny popsicles in , two mugs and that was where I thought , enough is enough . No way I was going to spend what the parents around me were spending . It got expensive as it was . Over at the restaurant , the family had actually landed a table inside , right away . Thanks to it being a regular school week , no doubt . While people eat at Legoland on Saturdays off - season , they do not do so on Sunday evenings . Everyone takes off for home . So we sat there almost all alone , which in a way was nice . But unfortunately , we had our table beside what was probably a mixed family . I did not mean to listen in , but there was not a whole lot less to do . It was pretty obvious that either this middle - aged British man had been to Asia to fetch a bride and came back with a teenage daughter on his hands . Or , they were a dysfunctional family . There sat an Asian woman doting on her daughter , a sulky teenager , about 15 - 16 years old . Trying to make her eat , when she clearly was not interested in the food . The way the mother fussed , I studied the girl closely to see if she was handicapped , since her mother 's behaviour indicated that . But as far as I could tell , there was nothing wrong with the girl , except that she could not stand the father and did not want to be in that place . And in my mind , I wondered what on earth inspired the parents to take a teenager of that age , to Legoland ? It is one thing to go as a family , with younger siblings , but it is a little bit odd to take ONE teenager to such a place . There are amusement parks which are more amusing for that age group . But it was quite obvious after a while , that the mother wanted to please the father , who was a bully , and her treating the daughter as a child much younger than she actually was . How dare I sit and draw such conclusions ? Well , he was very opinionated about our children ! Small children not quite the thing for this business man ! I was happy when they left the table , so we could eat in peace , not being judged . T . had ordered pizza a second day in a row . I was all amazement after the previous day 's fiasco , but I got my salmon meal . Not worth the money it cost , especially since it was to contain asparagus , but they had replaced them with leaks . T . said it was not leaks but I know a leak when I taste it . All boys loved their meals , so all in all , we were content . And we were the last people leaving Legoland ! Unfortunately , it had started to rain pretty bad again , so I had to thwart " Kitty 's " plan to climb up on the sign , which he usually does for a goodbye picture . I was afraid of him slipping on the plastic and really hurting himself , so we just had to take some fast last pictures on the ground and then run to the car . We stopped by the local supermarket again , on the way back to the holiday let , and this time " Jane " led us up the garden path completely . We got lost out in the outskirts of Billund , in the dark and when we finally got back to Legoland , my husband who is the worse map reader in history , had me turn off to the airport . I was not at all amused by the time we arrived back to the flat and he was in a sulky mood , not speaking to me at all . Nice last evening ! The good thing or odd thing , was the dark farm we returned to . The other two families were gone , so we were the only ones left . Made it easier the next morning to clean though , not having to fight over the cleaning things , vacuum cleaner and so forth . Ask a perfectionist to clean a holiday let , and it will take a long time , but I left that place MUCH cleaner than what it was when we arrived . The boys had a fun time playing with the kittens , while I cleaned and T . tried to pack the car in a sensible way . Had I had the cash , I might have bought one of the funny cement hens that the owner makes , but while I was cleaning , I got more and more irate at things not working very well , there not being the things I am used to or that I wanted to use . So in the end , I just walked around taking photos of the funny hens and then we all , said a tender goodbye to the kittens , returned the key , and drove up the alley way to the big road . To once again be mislead by our " Jane " . We drove around like fools without the paper map , which I had left in the holiday let , since it belonged there , and finally we had to go on the internet again or we would have wasted bunches of petrol . At Legoland , we had seen this funny wagon people drove around with , which they called Trekkvogn , when we asked them where they had bought them and what they were called . I had never seen them before , and would have loved one instead of using the old pram . You can load it with your food , rain clothes and everything else you need for a day . Very practical . One place which showed that they had them , on the internet , was Bilka in Odense , so I stopped there on our way home . We did not find one there ! Probably better to look in the spring and not when autumn is on its way . But we bought some little knickknacks , like some pens , pencil cases , socks and a Birthday card , since I suspected E . having forgot . We discovered that this area , where Bilka was situated , was gigantic . It had an IKEA , and a big shopping mall . I really wanted to go inside and see if they had a bookshop with colouring books , but T . did not want to come with me , nor the boys . So I took off on my own , and boy was that place huge . I got lost and it took me a while to find the two bookshops , but I ended up with my own little souvenir from Denmark : Two thin colouring books for adults , not available in Sweden , and they were on sale ! With these , I was content , and returned to my sleeping family and we headed home to celebrate " Gubby 's " Birthday in our traditional manner ! ! ! ! |
3 Comments » To feel nostalgia does not necessarily mean you want to turn away from the present or the future ; it 's enough to feel that you can 't ever go back to a place where you were happy . Sometimes I think even happiness doesn 't matter , that even places where you were unhappy can call out to you , if enough time has passed . And by " place " I mean , of course , " time " . I get the sense that J . is getting ready to leave Greece and go back to England after 15 or so years . I 'm sure he is already beginning to feel nostalgic for the place he is preparing to leave . And by " place " I mean , of course , " time " . The wind is up , blowing in from the sea , as it does every day . Little E . sits in my lap , turning over a eucalyptus leaf in her hands , quietly babbling to herself . I give her sprigs of rosemary and lavender to play with too . She brings them to her lips , without putting them into her mouth . She doesn 't seem to have learned to smell deliberately yet . I take her tiny hands and sniff them , and find traces of the three scents on them . The wind ruffles her little curls . And I think to myself , I will forget this moment , all the details that give it vividness : the coolness of the sea breeze , the warmth of E . 's little body , her shoulders , the back of her neck as she looks down at the sprig . She is bombarded by sensations and colours and sounds , and she absorbs them all , so that she can one day learn that this is called a tree , that is an ant , and that other thing a chair , but she will not remember this moment in itself , because it is all just a drop in the torrent of impressions she experiences every minute of the day . But I who have become so jaded , and who in all my forty years have never sat here in this place with a warm little daughter in my arms , what excuse have I got ? I set about trying to preserve the moment . I mention it to N . , I write it down , I even grab my video camera and start to record moments that I know I will forget : the leaves of the lemon tree , seen through the balcony railing , as they sway in the wind , a bee among the oleander , dried up bougainvillea petals tumbling down the road . A caique in the afternoon as a fisherman casts his net . Our beach towels hanging to dry on the railings . The chaise longue where sleep is sweetest . The sandals left outside the door . The sound of someone chopping vegetables in the kitchen , or of the little gas cooker being lit and a little spoon tapping the inside of the briki of coffee . A lemon and two oranges in a basket hanging from the latticed roof of the pergola , and the wasp that hovers near them . The spider webs in the rosemary bush . 8 Comments » In my early years in Athens , the best thing about my job was that students had lessons twice a week - Mondays and Wednesdays , or Tuesdays and Thursdays - which meant that Fridays were free . All we had to do was go in for a half - hour meeting at 1 . 00 . Raymond , the director of studies , would write the syllabus for the following week on the board and we would copy it down . Then we would all go to a nearby cafe - bar for a few beers . Sometimes I would bring a magnetic chess set and Raymond and I would play a game or two . I always had the advantage in the opening but Raymond almost always managed to turn things around late in the middle game and win . This frustrated me so much that I took to recording the moves as we played so I could analyse them afterwards with the help of my Fritz program and see exactly where and how I had gone wrong . A boy of about seven or eight years , whom I 'd often seen selling little packs of tissues , was leaning against a nearby table . He often came into this cafe - bar . He had large blue eyes , and a few freckles scattered across his cheeks and his round , slightly wide nose . His short blond hair had cowlicks , and would probably be curly if he grew it long enough . Once I looked up I thought he would ask if I wanted to buy some , but he was too busy looking at the chessboard . He approached slowly to get a closer look at the board . Did he know the game ? Or was he interested simply because he knew it was a game ? In Canada I 'd seen a lot of homeless people , and many of them teenagers . They came from all over the country to find work in the big city . They would sit on the sidewalk with their belongings in bags and with dogs curled up next to them . Many were kids who had probably fallen out with their parents . I often had the feeling they chose to live like this , and would some day soon enough find their way back into the world of houses and warm rooms , go back to school , or get a job . But in Athens , things were different . There were a lot of beggars , but they didn 't seem to be homeless . At night they always went off somewhere and disappeared . The main difference , however , was the kind of person on the street . They almost always came from some other Balkan state . If they were Serbs they would hold up a paper icon to appeal to our Christian sense of charity , and to remind us that , unlike our other neighbours , they were our Orthodox brothers and sisters . They would also hold up a piece of cardboard on which they had written I AM SERBIAN in misspelled Greek . Or they would say how many children they had and needed to feed . And there were the children , playing the same songs on the accordion or harmonica or looking at you sadly as they held out their packs of tissues , lighters , or key chains . People said they didn 't get to keep the money you gave them , that they worked for somebody who took everything they made . Some people had even told me they 'd seen the person , waiting up the street , take the money afterwards . ( This sort of thing seems to have become a big business here in Greece . Organised business . Here in Heraklion , amputees started showing up this summer , waiting at traffic lights to come out on their crutches and ask for change . Sometimes within a kilometre you would see four or five of them , sometimes a couple at one intersection . Then , on another day , they 'd all be gone . I 'm not suspicious by nature , but I can 't help but feel that someone 's actually shipping them in and picking them up again afterwards . ) " I feel so sorry for the kids , " people would say . " But I don 't give them any money any more . If I could be sure they would keep it or it would go to their family , I would give it to them . What 's 50 or 100 drachmas , after all ? " I had seen this blond boy many times around Pangrati , my old neighbourhood in Athens , often with other kids . A lot of immigrant children would hang around Mesolongi Square , usually playing football . I thought of him as belonging to the area . He laughed , very quietly . Just a breath of a laugh , little more than a smile and another shrug . Perhaps he laughed at the fact that I had asked him . He picked up the bishop . Almost embarrassed , though , he put it back down , careful to set it on the same square . " Do you know what it 's called ? " I said , but then I thought he might not know it in Greek . " Do you know how it moves ? " Again he shrugged . He looked up at the door suddenly , as if remembering something . I had the sense that he was going to walk away . " Right , " I said . " And how about this ? " I showed him the knight . He frowned . Was it because he couldn 't remember it or because he couldn 't explain it ? ( Try explaining how a knight moves . It 's not easy . I know of some concise descriptions , but I 've picked them up from good chess writers . ) At last he pointed again and finally spoke . I asked him if he wanted to play , but this time I lost him . He remembered the other tables , and the bar , and slowly went off to sell his tissues . Then he was gone . The following Friday I took my chessboard with me even though Raymond and I were not going to play . I stayed behind when everyone had left and set up the pieces . I had taken a book with me , Alekhine 's games , and played out the some of the annotation . But my mind wasn 't really on it . The truth is that I wasn 't good enough at chess to understand his annotations . Soon enough , the boy came . I thought I saw him look for me when he came in . Or maybe it was the look of recognition when he saw me . I nodded to him . This time he made his round of the cafe . The Argentinean woman who worked there often gave coke or even a sandwich to these kids , which made the place popular with them . He came to the table , unwrapped his sandwich and started eating . He was intrigued by the book , especially by the tiny chess fonts . I set up the pieces to the initial position and turned the board so that the white pieces were in front of him . He frowned . Was he thinking of his first move , or was he trying to decide if he should play or not ? He seemed to have reservations . I waited . Finally , he picked up the King 's pawn and moved it forward two squares . We only played part of a game . About ten to fifteen moves into it , he got restless and left . I don 't remember if he said why he was leaving so suddenly , or if we spoke at all . I wrote down the position so that we could continue the game from where left off the next time I saw him . But he didn 't come back . I didn 't see him again until about a year later . M . and I went for a walk down to Zappeio and there was a photography exhibit there . We walked around looking at the large black and white photos , and there he was in a group of portraits , with the same serious , guarded expression . I asked M . if she remembered him , since she often came to the cafe - bar with us , but she had no recollection of him . I looked around at all the people strolling about looking at the photos . I wanted someone there to recognise him , to know who he was , so I could tell them that I used to see him often , and had even played a little bit of chess with him . One day I read in the newspaper that hundreds of children had disappeared from the streets of Athens , most likely sold by the child trafficking rings that had brought them down in the first place . Did it happen all at once , or slowly , child by child ? Had anyone been paying attention ? " Yeah , you 're right ! " people said . " I hadn 't noticed it at first , but it 's true : you don 't see them around any more . " Over the years , I tried to write a story about him . I made him Serbian and called him Mitar , a name I picked up from a friend years ago in Canada . I filled pages in notebooks about him , about his story . In all of the notes , he is at an intersection , at a crossroads ; a change is coming , and it 's the future . I don 't know what 's going to happen to him next because I 've never written beyond that point . I don 't know how the story ends . Everything is frozen , like the image of him that I saw at Zappeio long after he had disappeared . I met Allen in 1982 , when we were both twelve . He was in my class in grade seven , which for me was the happiest year of all my public schooling . We both belonged to a small circle of friends , but I was better friends with a couple of other guys than I was with Allen . I don 't think he had very much patience for me ; I probably struck him as a wide - eyed naive kid . He was more sophisticated than me . You could tell as soon as you saw him that he was different . He was chubby and had longish hair . He wore a green jacket , much like an army jacket , somewhat in the mod style , and it had a greasy stain in one pocket where he 'd put his pack of fish and chips . ( They were still wrapped in newspaper in those days . ) And he always wore t - shirts with the Beatles or the Sex Pistols or Marilyn Monroe or the cast of Leave It To Beaver on it . He was , as I 've written elsewhere , precocious . He read adult literature and underground comics and wrote poetry and could speak intelligently about such things . That was the year Glenn Gould died . Gould had grown up just around the corner from our school , and when our teacher told us about him , he asked if any of us knew who he was . Only Allen did . He even had some of his records . But he was odd , as well . He would wobble his one knee back and forth when he stood so that his whole body seemed to jiggle , and when he spoke , his sentences trailed off into a cross between an indolent mirthless laugh and a nervous mumble , even if there wasn 't anything even remotely funny in what he 'd said . His vocabulary was advanced and often formal , especially with scatological humour . When asked about the grease stain on his jacket , he 'd say it was a urine stain . He found proper words like " urine " and " excrement " much funnier than " piss " and " shit " , when most 12 - year - olds didn 't even know what excrement was . It was as if by using these words he was deflating the dignity of the adult world and exposing the pathetic farcical nature that lay beneath the surface of it . I think he found the word " buttocks " the funniest word of all . His strangeness could have an edge to it . The year before I met him , while he was still in grade six , he had belonged to the recorder club at school . ( I still can 't picture Allen playing the recorder . ) The club was supposed to perform for parents one night , and Allen didn 't want to . His teachers and his mother forced him to . So he got his revenge . When they were finished performing , he opened up his shirt and displayed a swastika that he had painted on the t - shirt underneath . His mother , understandably mortified , ran up and pulled him off the stage , trying also to pull the t - shirt off him . Many of his friends were grown - ups . That doesn 't seem so strange now , but it did at the time , although I admired him for it , and liked the adults he knew . Allen was mature enough to hold interesting conversations with them , although I now suspect they were humouring him a little . The two friends that I 'd met owned used bookshops , and one of these men , I later learned , was the son of one of Canada 's most famous poets . The details escape me now , but gradually we became friends . In those years , I was a Beatles fan to the point of obsession , so when I saw the various Beatles t - shirts he wore I must have looked upon him as a kindred spirit . But as I said , that first year , we weren 't that close . I always felt he was mocking me a little . He was simply older than me in intellectual development . I wanted to be a comic book artist at the time , and that was our first joint interest . He introduced me to good artists . Although I could draw quite well , it had never occurred to me to think of one artist as better than another . Allen collected artists though , not just superheroes . Through him I discovered the work of artists like Neil Adams , Frank Franzetta , Frank Miller , Robert Crumb , and Chester Brown ( an Ontario artist whose self - published comics Allen collected ) . He read Zippy comics , Cerebus , Raw , The Freak Brothers . He had the Maus series in the original installments . His record collection was interesting , too . If I try to remember randomly some of them , Miles Davis 's Round About Midnight comes to mind , or a couple of Richard and Mimi Farina records , or a red see - through record of Ginsberg reading " Howl " and other poems on the Fantasy label . He had a couple of Lenny Bruce records from the same label . The first time I went to visit him at his house , I went to look at his comics , which he kept in mylar envelopes in acid - free boxes . ( That was the first time I 'd heard of acid - free paper , or even that normal paper had acid in it . ) We sat around in his large spacious room and listened to music and talked while I also looked at the books on his shelves . His bed was just a mattress on the floor . He burned incense on a brick . He had a good stereo , too , and put on All Things Must Pass , an album I liked and wanted to get , although I never got round to hearing it again for another 23 years . Some time towards the end of grade seven , I was riding the Queen Street streetcar with Allen and I - arbitrarily , it seems - decided to start collecting books like him . It seems strange to think that it was the object itself that drew me first , and not its content . ( The desire to write came soon afterwards . ) I announced the sudden decision to him and asked him to give me some recommendations to get me started . This was later in the day , leaning on a fence across the street from my house . I wrote down a list of authors he came up with on the spot : Kerouac , Burroughs , Orwell , Huxley , Joyce , Camus - a seemingly random selection of 20th century literature . And slowly I started spending my allowance on used books . And what 's strange , now that I think back on it , for a long time I would call him and tell him what I 'd bought , reporting how my shelves were slowly filling up . It was as if I were an apprentice reporting to his master . Years later , when I was in university and my collection had long since surpassed his , whenever he 'd come to my house , he 'd casually look over my books , and if he saw something he hadn 't seen before , he 'd take it out and leaf through it , often even asking , " When you did you get this ? " In grade eight ( 1983 - 1984 ) , the small group of friends broke up a little in that we were in different classes . Only Allen was in my class , and this is how we became better friends . Grade eight was a very different year , at least for me . It was the beginning of a series of unhappy years at school . Peer pressure is always a problem when you 're a teenager , but I think those years , the Ralph Lauren years , were particularly conformist , not to mention expensive for our parents . ( It 's no wonder that the image of Alex P . Keaton or the girls from Heathers come to mind as icons of that time . ) For me those years were a tight - rope walk : I didn 't really want to be a part of it , but I didn 't want to draw attention to myself ; I wanted to belong and be popular , but I didn 't want to jump through hoops to be so . Allen did even less to belong , and paid for it dearly . I don 't know why someone who never made any effort to belong should have suffered because his peers were not accepting him . Maybe something else was happening , which I never understood or even caught a glimpse of . At any rate , Allen became stranger and stranger as the year wore on . I don 't want to go into detail , but I 'll say that I was often embarrassed , sometimes even disgusted by his behaviour . One thing I will mention , which is not so strange , is that he refused to cut his hair . In the end I think he waited a year and a half before he got it cut . Although it wasn 't dirty , it just hung down . He could have tied it back or something , as so many men do now , but the way he did nothing with it made it seem like an act of rebellion , a deliberate act of negligence . In September 1984 we entered high school , which turned out to be a bigger , more intense version of the junior high school we 'd just attended for two years . Whatever problems we 'd had there also became bigger and more intense . I kept up my balancing act for the next couple of years , eventually leaving to go to another high school for the last two years when I could take it no more . Allen did not last even the first term of grade nine . He dropped out and refused to go back . His mother , a teacher , with whom he lived , was understanding and willing to wait till he found his way . His father , with whom he spent most weekends , had less patience and insisted he see a psychologist . He also wouldn 't let Allen watch Rumble Fish , one of his favourite films at the time , because he was convinced that it had encouraged him to be rebellious . When the second term started Allen found his way . He enrolled in an alternative school with students who hadn 't fit into mainstream schools . It was at this time that we really began to be best friends ; now that we weren 't in the same school together , no amount of strangeness on his part could embarrass me socially . The school he went to had a lot of interesting , eccentric and charismatic teachers and students , and I wanted very much to join him . My parents , however , wouldn 't let me because they didn 't trust it academically . In a few short years , a lot of the interesting characters who went to the school graduated or just left and it began to fill up with spoiled rich kids , probably because the school had become fashionable . Allen cut his hair and started to dress differently , in a way more in tune with the times . ( The way he dressed when he was twelve would become fashionable over a decade later . ) In many ways , the people who had mocked him and found him odd two or three years earlier had caught up to him and could relate to him now . He became popular , started going to parties and clubs . I had always kept a certain distance from everyone , seeing most of them only during school . But in 1987 , the year I visited Greece , the year I found the Rimbaud pictures and my life changed , I withdrew completely from the circle on whose periphery I 'd always been , and changed high schools . I never told Allen that he had to choose between me and the others , and never thought of things in those terms , but somehow he started to get tired of them too . I began to discover Greek music and literature and wanted to move to Greece . Allen shared these interests with me and also planned to move to Greece . I think he craved a feeling of rootedness , of tradition . Then he started to dress like me . The reason I didn 't notice this at first was because it was so gradual . For example , I remember looking at some photos of James Dean and thinking that I 'd like an overcoat like the one he was wearing . We went down to the vintage clothing stores in Kensington Market and I found one that was a bit too big for me . Allen saw one and bought it too , even though he hadn 't been planning to . When we left , we put them on . My mother saw us coming up the street , dressed in these long black coats . " You look like a couple of pallbearers , " she said . In the summer of 1988 , Allen went to Greece too . Then , in September , when he got back , he transferred to the high school I had changed to , and it was only then , when someone pointed it out to me , that I realised he was becoming me . I didn 't dress unusually , but I did dress somewhat unlike people my age . I dressed like an older person then ( nowadays I look younger than I really am ) , in a tweed jacket . And so did Allen . My mother , amused by all this , would often say , " If you shit purple , so will he . " I suddenly got embarrassed by him at school again , and kept my distance from him for a while . I remember the day this girl I knew was commenting on all of this as we were walking down the hall . " I 've created a monster , " I said as we turned the corner . Just then Allen was standing in front of me . I don 't know if he understood what I had been talking about . He must have realised the transfer had not been a good idea , and soon he changed schools again . After that things were all right again . He slowly started at least to dress less like me . Allen had been with me during those feverishly formative years between 1987 and 1990 , during the Rimbaud fascination , the discovery of Greece and Greek culture , and he shared in all my enthusiasms . He took them on too . I had become the writer , not he . I was now introducing books to him . Slowly , our roles had reversed . I had become the mentor . I wonder if my passions were too much for him . Something happened to him during those years . He lost something , his brilliance and his originality . A flame went out . I graduated from high school with mediocre marks , but spent a year upgrading them , and just managed to get into university . Allen , who had always and effortlessly done well in school , also got admitted to university . We both started at the same time . Whereas I flourished and enjoyed myself , Allen drifted with no sense of purpose and dropped out in the first term , early enough to get a partial refund from his tuition fees . He decided to try again the following year , 1991 - 1992 , but the same thing happened , only more quickly . And that was the beginning of the end for him . University had a powerful effect on me . It matured me intellectually . Allen and I were still best friends , listening to music together or watching films , but I couldn 't share what I was experiencing in university . He lost interest in books and could barely read any more . He 'd start books and abandon them . He wasn 't interested in getting a good job ; he worked in a teleresearch firm , and would save up enough money to float through periods of chosen unemployment . If I remember correctly , somewhere around 1992 or 1993 he went to Greece again . Although he never said so , I think he may have been disappointed somehow . His passion may have cooled , but he had nothing to replace it with , nothing to move on to . He still listened to Greek music , read Greek poetry , but somewhat half - heartedly . He became lazy , without any direction or ambition or motivation . He 'd sprawl out on the couch and watch TV all day . He got fatter . And he developed the annoying habit of yawning loudly at least once or twice a minute . His mother sold their house around this time , and he had to move out . He rented a room from one of the adult friends he 'd had back when he was twelve . Eventually , his mother agreed to let him move back in with her in her new house . At some point in 1996 I found I couldn 't relate to him any more . I saw less and less of him . He depressed me and the yawning got on my nerves . In January 1997 , on the night before I left to come to Greece , I called him to say goodbye . It had been weeks , perhaps even months , since we had last spoken . I wrote to him when I got here , but he would barely respond . His letters were short notes written in block letters . When they stopped coming , I wrote to him and said that if he didn 't write to me as well , I doubted our friendship would be able to survive . ( This was still two or three years before I went online , and I don 't think Allen has ever done so . ) I decided that as his friend for all these years , I would be honest with him and tell him it was time he 'd got his act together . His reply was brief : And that was it . He did actually try to write once more , a few months later , saying that he would now " BE ABLE " to write more often , though he didn 't explain why he was able to now , or what had prevented him before . The rest of the short letter was nothing more than brief notes about impersonal news and inconsequential information . The only thing I remember is his mentioning that John Fowles had recently visited Canada and was depressed by its lack of wildflowers . I never heard from him again . I probably only wrote back once myself . In December 2000 , when I returned to Canada for the first time since I 'd left , I didn 't even call him . I didn 't have his mother 's new number . I ran into his younger brother one day and he told me nothing had changed : Allen just lay around on the couch " collecting static " . He gave me their number , and said , " You 'll probably have to leave a message first . He 's developed a habit of not answering . He just looks at the call display and waits to hear the message . " Hearing that put me off the idea completely . I visited again in 2003 and 2004 , and still couldn 't call . By that time , too much time had passed . Although Allen and I spent a lot of time together , we weren 't really close . We were the kind of friends who could sit around for long periods of time in silence , each doing his own thing , and I really enjoyed that . We were comfortable with that . But we never really confided in each other . As a result , I often wonder now , was something bothering him all those years ? Something that had caused problems for him when he had dropped out and wouldn 't get his hair cut ? I can only guess now . After all these years , Allen is a mystery to me . Last year , I began exchanging emails with Paul , another friend from those early years in the eighties . We were reminiscing and I mentioned Allen . Paul started to tell me his view of Allen from the years 1987 - 1988 , and how he had decided to keep his distance from Allen too . Another time , it was New Year 's Eve . After this incident I wasn 't hanging around him much anymore . It felt like a dividing line for some reason . That could be because I am looking back at it . I have not thought about these things in years . Anyway , it was a New Years party at Matt 's house and I invited Allen to it . I had just begun to hang out with a new group of people in the dramatic arts program , and was getting involved in that program more and more . Allen had this huge glass jug of either homemade wine or the very cheap stuff . The glass jug was huge . Like a jug from a hillbilly band … Anyway , Allen was being his usual anti - social self and was drinking and spewing off things that I 'm sure he thought were cryptic and Morrisonesque . They weren 't . I remember trying to get him involved in conversations - trying to get him talking to girls etc . At a certain point he became so loaded that he started pouring this cheap red wine over all of the girls ' heads . Not the boys . I found that strange at the time , but now I tend to think that he wasn 't so loaded that he couldn 't figure out that he would have gotten his ass kicked if he had . There were all different types of people at this party - dramies [ i . e . people from the drama department ] , jocks , M . J . and all of her friends , older , big jocks . He was stumbling around leaning on girls and trying to pour wine over their heads . They were all dressed up as well , seeing that it was New Years . He was wrecking their clothes . I look back on this and see that some of these kids had summer jobs and weekend jobs and bought their clothes - you know , worked for them . I think Matt kicked him out … but I can 't be sure of that . I am pretty sure that I got him home or he stayed at my place . That was it , really . But I was trying to make a good impression and he fucked it up . People would ask me about it for months after . What 's wrong with your loser friend etc . I always felt a little sorry for Allen , but that was it for me . Allen had a way of really annoying the hell out of me . You know , pushing things too far . And after that - I may have hung around with him , but I was pretty much through . Did Allen experience any trauma in his childhood ? I don 't want to speculate - maybe not . But if this whole double way of behaving and his ultimate 15 - year couch - nap tells me that there is more going on than just a lazy poet . I do think he had an aura of something different around him - but I really just think he was sick . And he never wrote anything from what I remember and he never really did anything . Never had girlfriends , etc . Just very sad . Very little living experience . It makes more sense in light of what has come to pass - that the real Allen was the drunk , incoherent , attention - seeking guy and maybe the fake Allen was the one you knew . Who the hell knows . See that was the last Allen I knew and then I hear what ends up happening to him and I am not at all surprised . I met Allen twenty - five years ago . I last saw him ten or eleven years ago . In my mind , though , he lives in a place frozen in time , a place of arrested development . I want to break the silence , find his mother 's latest address and send a letter , or call , but it would be awkward . If I was in Toronto I 'd be scared to see him . How has the past decade been to him ? How obese will he be ? How much will he have aged ? If Allen had become nothing more than a reflection of those around him , what would I behold now ? Would I recognise him at all ? 10 Comments » I 've been thinking about the rain a lot lately . I 've always liked it it . I like listening to it fall , especially when there 's a tree outside the window and you can hear it patter on the leaves . I know of no other sound I would rather go to sleep to . One of the things I miss about Canada is how it could sometimes rain for over 24 hours . You could go to sleep to it and in the middle of the night it would still be there when you woke up . It would still be there in the morning too . It was great if you didn 't have anywhere to go . But I like walking in it without an umbrella . I bought a pair of good waterproof boots about a month ago . I like when the rain gets into my coat , yet not enough to reach the clothes underneath . I think about how our children and grandchildren will value rain a great deal more than most of us do . N . and I are moving to Crete , which scientists predict will soon become a desert . Scientists have been predicting lately that all or most of the Mediterranean will become desert . It doesn 't surprise me , but it does sadden me . Greece is already a dry place , where vegetation seems to struggle to grow . But this struggle always seemed eternal to me . I wanted to think it would always be that way . I wanted it to stay eternal . I went out for a short walk in the rain tonight . I wore a hat to keep my head dry . I only needed to go out and get a few things at a shop a couple of blocks away , but I wanted to keep walking for hours . I wanted to get drenched . I wanted to carry some of it home in my hands and put it on the table or on one of the bookshelves . I want to lie down and sleep with the window open and not care if the papers and notebooks on my desk get wet . I want to sleep for a long time to that sound and have my dream enter the room , like Gortchakov 's dog , which came and lay at the foot of his hotel bed . In my dream I am 17 or 18 again , walking along Queen Street again late on a Sunday night , in the rain , as far as the old Fox Theatre to see the poster behind the glass , with all the films that are playing that month . Behind the doors the lobby is empty and dark except for the weak yellowish light behind the snack bar . I am young still , with the illusion that I am old already , instead of old already , with illusion that I am still young . I walk back home , past the closed shops , each as dark as the lobby of the empty Fox Theatre , as dark as only memories and dreams are . I am impatient to be older , to start my real life , far from there , in a place where there is heart - breaking light on mountain and sea , and nothing my young mind could ever imagine as a desert . 3 Comments » In the beginning of The Conversation , a couple are walking around in a large square , and their conversation is being recorded by a surveillance team . The central character , played by Gene Hackman , hears the man say , " He 'd kill us if he got the chance . " He , like the viewers , is sure that the emphasis was on the word " kill " ( which was probably how you read it ) , but at the end of the film , through a bit of cheating in the sound editing , we realise that what the man had really said was , " He 'd kill us if he got the chance . " The first time you see the film you aren 't sure if your memory isn 't playing tricks on you . Were you wrong in assuming that he said , " He 'd kill us if he got the chance " , or did they re - record the words ? ( If you watch it on video or DVD , you go back and check , but the film was made in early seventies , before people could do such things . ) You wonder if the context actually affects how you hear it . If so , who 's to say that the second time you 're hearing it correctly ? The first time I saw it , it seemed like a subversive joke . Not long after I met C . and fell in love with her , she decided for a number of reasons that we shouldn 't see each other any more . She could see where things were heading , even if I had not openly expressed my feelings for her yet , and the feelings were reciprocated to some extent . But things were complicated , for a number of reasons , some of which wouldn 't be apparent till years later . So she decided the best thing would be for us not to see each other , not even as friends . I was a very determined young man , and very much in love , and I was shattered by her decision . It made no sense . It was illogical . It simply could not be . Later that day , she agreed to see me again , to hear me out . I poured my heart out to her , more than I 'd ever done before . I was still an effusive teenager , and a lot of what I had to tell her wasn 't really relevant . I simply needed to open up and reveal myself and tell her I loved her . When I had told her , she sat stunned . " But you don 't know me , " she said , and I asked her how that could be . She shrugged , and I could see that I had won . She took me into her arms and told me she could see more of me . But then doubt began to set in , and one day it occurred to me that she might not actually have meant that she could see me more often , but that now that I had opened up and revealed so much of myself to her , I was more clearly visible to her . I can see more of you . It seemed like such a strange thing to say to somebody , and I began to think she can 't have meant either possibility . Surely a person would have phrased both sentiments differently . There might even have been a third meaning , which I could not determine . Had I ever understood her at all ? The more I thought about them , the more her words changed . I tried to remember the tone of her voice , the expression on her face . I searched for clues , but each time I revisited the scene , it would be a little different . And now , when I recall it , so many years later , the only things that present themselves when I try to remember are the couch she sat on across from my chair , the coffee table between us , the darkness outside the window , the framed print of Monet 's waterlilies on the wall . She and I are not there at all - just two manikins that would probably resemble us if I could see their faces , if their faces didn 't melt away every time I tried to look at them . 8 Comments » When I go to the centre of Iraklio , I like walking through Lakkos , a poor area just inside the city walls by the Bethlehem Gate , by the Kommeno Bendeni area . The gate is actually seldom referred to by its name ; people just call it Kommeno Bendeni . During the Ottoman Occupation it was also known as the Dark Gate ( Σκοτεινή Πύλη ) , or Karanlik Kapi in Turkish . The traditional centre of Iraklio is a large fort or citadel , and the walls are still up . Lakkos was traditionally a red - light district and a neighbourhood for refugees from Asia Minor , at least in the early twentieth century . N . gave me a book about the area written by someone she knows , and it has some pictures too . I haven 't read it yet . I can only imagine what the area was like even ten years ago , perhaps even five years ago . A lot of the low houses are being torn down and apartment buildings being put up in their place . I don 't remember how I discovered Arthur Rimbaud . I do remember that I bought the New Directions Season in Hell and later gave it to a friend before I could read it . I ended up buying another one , the well - thumbed copy I still have . That was about twenty years ago , when I was sixteen . As an adolescent I was ripe for Rimbaud , except that I didn 't take drugs . I agreed with the principle of the derangement of the senses , or at least supported a metaphorical derangement of the imagination . Rimbaud himself renounced it in A Season in Hell , so I saw no reason to experiment with drugs just because he had ( seemingly ) advocated it . Of course , when you 're sixteen , it 's hard not to become captivated by someone who had supposedly changed the face of literature at your age . I pored over A Season in Hell and Illuminations and Henry Miller 's Time of the Assassins ( the worst example of self - aggrandisement ever published , but I liked it anyway ) . I wanted Enid Starkie 's biography of Rimbaud , but for copyright reasons the book wasn 't available in Canada . A neighbour of ours had a sister in Ohio , and I sent her the money to order it and mail it to me . I read it so much that the glued binding cracked and entire sections of the book came loose . One of the things I found fascinating about Rimbaud was how , at the age of nineteen , or more likely twenty - one , he turned his back on literature forever and went to Africa to strike it rich . There were letters home to his mother and sister , but no one else in France ever saw him again . He disappeared . He walked into the heart of darkness and didn 't emerge till it had eaten him up inside . I was fascinated by the idea of an unrecorded , unwitnessed life ( in this case the nearly unrecorded life , since there were the letters , and the accounts of those who knew him and worked with him in Africa ) , a life in which one did not care if any evidence of one 's existence was left behind or not . I imagined the lives of people like Verlaine , through whose lives Rimbaud had passed so tumultuously , how he had left such a mark on them before he vanished and became an unreal memory and two collections of poetry . One day I was in Letters , the bookshop owned and operated by Nicky Drumbolis , and I bought the edition of Rimbaud 's complete works translated by Wallace Fowlie . When he saw that I was interested in Rimbaud , Nicky showed me some small French editions he had found in some bargain bins at a book fair . One of them was a biography , and was full of photographs and facsimiles of manuscript pages and drawings Rimbaud had made , and which others had made of him . I was spellbound by the wealth of material . And then , I turned a page and saw that there were two photographs of Rimbaud in his thirties in Africa . Before this , I had only seen pictures of the adolescent . In one he was standing by a railing , possibly on a balcony , and in the other he was next to a river , his foot upon a rock and his hand resting on his knee . ( I have searched online for the latter , but can 't find it . There is , however , another photograph that seems to be from the same time . ) In the first photograph there were blotches on it , which I imagined to be spatterings of mud . In the second photograph his facial features were barely visible , but his skin looked as dark as tough leather . When I left the shop I walked along Queen Street , and everywhere I looked I saw traces of the nineteenth century : crumbling bricks on a wall by an empty lot ; a faded , peeling sign over an abandoned storefront ; upstairs , a dingy shade pulled down behind a grimy window . All around me was the romantic squalor of the big city . I felt as if I could walk into one of those rooms somewhere and find , as if hiding all these years , some Rimbaud or Verlaine , dressed in rags and shuffling yellowed papers with poems written in blue - black ink , poems that would be consigned forever to oblivion . It was like seeing ghosts everywhere . I felt partly in the twentieth century and partly in the nineteenth . All around the city , rooms held secret , unwitnessed lives , eternal and timeless . ( I remember a line from a poem I had written around that time : " miraculous Mozarts anonymous among us " . ) After all these years , it is difficult for me to recapture and convey what I felt then and what private and personal atmosphere I carried around with me . I had become unstuck from my time , and I experienced a riot of the imagination . It was also a very isolating experience : no one else was privy to it . And it lasted for years . I became very interested in old photographs , and especially the clothes people wore in them . For some reason , I often found myself focussing on the lapels in them . I started wearing tweed jackets and old overcoats I had bought in the vintage clothing shops in Kensington Market . Old barbershops and the smell of talcum powder , for some reason , were also particularly evocative for me . Looking back on that time , I realise that those were the years when my iron was the hottest , when I had the greatest potential for becoming . I romanticised hardship , and I believe still that I could have endured a great deal of it . I sometimes think I could have done anything - written an epic , joined the Foreign Legion , got a tattoo . Then , in the summer of 1987 , while I was still deep in this sense of timelessness , I came to Greece for the summer by myself . I had been looking forward to it for months before , and felt I was visiting another time , and not just another place . I had been looking forward to the heat , too , which had figured so much in Rimbaud 's poetry and letters ( " Women nurse those fierce invalids , home from hot countries . " ) . Like a cloud alone in the sky , as a child I took to the roads . I walked the whole earth with a song in my heart and the rain on my shoulders . With these hands like wings that never felt joy I fought against the waves , and deep inside me was a wound , a love which never took root , lost in shame . Like a cloud alone in the sky , I will come to you again , in that same rain where I left you one morning , and my life was over . I will return from the past like a bird from the south to knock on your door . It will be a bitter spring , everything will be opening up on the earth , and from the beginning I will begin again . The song captured all the melancholy ( although perhaps melancholy is not a strong enough word ) of Rimbaud 's story . It captured all the disillusionment , the sense of having lost everything that you held dear . Of course , it was the story any emigrant who was living in disappointment and was planning to return , but to me , back then , it was only Rimbaud . He never really returned , of course , but there 's nothing in the song that says the speaker will never return either . When I came to Greece in 1987 , it was only a few months after I saw the photographs , and when I arrived , I heard the song . The song was about a return that never occurs , about the unfulfilled desire to return , and I felt as if I was returning to a place where I 'd never been before , as I have tried to describe before . Greece has changed a lot since then , so that it no longer resembles the Greece of my febrile imagination of that time , but by the time I moved here in 1997 , I had already invested so much of myself into this place that its changes made no difference . A major part of my sense of identity had become inextricably linked with leaving one place and never arriving in another . PS While searching for photographs to include in this post , I came across one that was recently discovered by Claude Jeancolas . Rimbaud must be the one standing on the far left . It was taken in 1882 at Sheikh - Uthman , near Aden . PPS Frankie the C . noted in the comments that a copy of A Season in Hell , signed by Rimbaud , was sold for over $ 600 , 000 . He has sent me the picture of the cover . Strangely , Rimbaud 's name seems to have been scratched out . It must have been Verlaine 's jealous wife . |
Gold Fever struck on Saturday , February 20th of 2010 . Suddenly we were thrust back to 1849 and the Gold Rush of the early California Settlers . The dog with us was no longer a companion , but a guard and a hunter , there to watch over us . The intricate Native American scroll work on the rocks we scrambled over were no longer hundreds of years old , but made just yesterday . My jeans and sneakers became a calico dress and work boots as I traversed through the woods just off the trail . The rock formations that had fallen long ago and retained their original squared shape were no longer ruins , but a standing cabin , waiting to be explored . I had stepped slowly off the path and back in time . When I was only a child , my Uncle Mike taught me how to go Gold Panning . I will never forget that day . We went into the mountains of Toole ( pronounced Tu - ill - a ) in Utah , about an hour or so from where my Mom and Dad lived . It was near a copper mine , and a small stream ran down the mountainside by the road way . We found a good spot to pull off and my Uncle pulled out his gold panning supplies . I remember the smell of mud under my feet , the gravel crunching as I made my way down the path to the stream . We found a good spot to dig into the water and started putting small amounts of the silt into the gold panning bowl . He taught me how to swirl it around , looking for the tiny flecks . Nothing turned up for the longest time . Just about the moment we had decided to pick up and move to another spot , something caught my eye . There in the aluminum bowl , among the ridges and dirt , sat a shiny flake . It sat atop the dirt in the bottom , just below the surface of the water . I called to my Uncle , who came over expecting it to be a false alarm , like we had been coming across that day . Much to my surprise , my Uncle practically jumped for joy . I had found gold , the real deal . He picked up the tiny flake with a pair of tweezers , filled a small glass vile with some of the creek water , and carefully let the gold piece go into the water . I watched as it swirlLinks to this post It had been such a long day . The drive home had made it seem even longer , winding my way through traffic for more than an hour . I pulled my car up to the house and gathered my things to climb out . My quickly wilting hand picked rose was in one hand , my keys , phone , purse , and little blue pine tree berries in another . About the time I closed my car door with my hip , the sound reached me . I closed my eyes and listened as I heard someone up the street play the guitar with a gentle touch to a soft melody . Somewhere in the distance , a kid called for his mom to read him a bedtime story . The birds sang the day away . People went inside turning out their porch lights as they went . The man and the music played on in the most beautiful melody I 've heard in such a painfully long time . It 's amazing , all the memories that can come from just a simple sound . Daddy learned to play the guitar while I lived in Arkansas as a kid . I use to play with his guitar if ever he left it where I could reach it . I remember him playing " Home on the Range " so sweetly . I don 't think I really paid attention to the sounds of a guitar before he played for me . Ever since then , the sound has always brought back memories of my childhood , of my father playing guitar for his children . A friend in Arkansas named Jeff tried to teach me to play guitar . Stevie RayVaughn blasted through my speakers for the first time when my roommate gave me a CD of his . I was dancing to the Guitar solo in " Freebird " by Lynard Skynard with Eric in Arkansas shortly after meeting my dear lifelong friend Robert . Another friend , Terry , played for me the first time I went to his house . The Guitar is a powerful instrument . It can take you back in time in mere seconds , transporting you to a world that no longer exists but in memories . Terry - what an interesting character he was . Terry Ray Day was his name . When I first met Terry , he was the very most popular guy in school . He had one particular spot in the hallway where he always sat with his friends . He had long , rebellious red hair and vivid green eyes . When he stood up , he towered over me at about six foot four inches , and was still only in the 11th grade . Everyone in school knew who Terry was . Even back in High School I loved to walk a lot . There wasn 't a while lot other than art that could keep me in my seat . At lunch I would roam the halls , usually alone since I didn 't have many friends . One day I wandered into Terry 's neighborhood . I felt really self - concious as I walked in front this popular guy and all of his friends . I felt the eyes of his friends looking me over and judging me , as was usual for me in those days . I was a social outcast in most circles , and this one wasn 't an exception . Some of them would laugh and joke to themselves and eachother . " Shut up , " Terry spoke over them . Shocked , I looked straight down at my feet , awaiting the verbal assault that was sure to follow , aimed at me . He was the coolest kid in school - surely he would want to out do the guys who worshiped him . I walked faster . " Well , Amanda , why don 't you come over here and sit with us a while . You know , kinda prove these idiots wrong , " he thumbed at his posse of assorted jackasses . A few of them looked like they really didn 't like the idea of Nerd Girl sitting there , while others looked like vultures about to swoop in for the finish . All Terry had to do was give the guys an odd look , and they wiped the looks off their faces and cleared a spot for me to sit next to Terry . I wound my way through the small crowd and had a seat , turning brighter red as I went . I didn 't know what I thought I was doing - the most unpopular girl in school was sitting with the very most popular guy ? There were certain protocols that were to be followed . I was ignoring all of them . It was well known that Terry didn 't have a girlfriend , and hand 't had one in over a year . When asked why , he just responded that he hand 't found a girl that could hold his interest for long enough . Terry began asking me questions . At first I was very quiet with my answers , terrified of what the general reaction of the crowd around us would be . I felt like I was being interrogated at first . Slowly I came to realize he was genuinely interested , and finally , I forgot the crowd completely . As I rattled off the places I had been , the crowd faded out of my mind , though to them I was suddenly the center of attention . Terry asked me what each place was like , since most of the group had never been out side of the Utah borders . Everyone leaned in close when I started talking about California . Pretty soon everyone was asking me questions , and I was no longer Nerd Girl to them . Suddenly I was almost cool . The bell suddenly rang and we all went our separate ways to class , but a new aire surrounded me in the halls at school the rest of the day . People whispered , but didn 't giggle anymore . Something had happened . " That 's the girl Terry Day wanted to sit with him , " I overheard once and smiled to myself . " She lived in California , " I heard another say . " I bet she knows a movie star . " " Amanda , " Terry called out when he saw me the next day , " we saved you a spot . " Sure enough , he didn 't have to give any funny looks . Everyone cleared a path to a spot right next to Terry , who had saved it specifically hoping I would show up . I waded through the crowd , for once being able to smile at the faces there , that welcoming sea of their anticipation smiling back . After all , I still had questions to answer . Mom taught me that making people wait was rude . I went back to the group every day at lunchtime for a long time after that . People didn 't laugh at me in the halls anymore , I didn 't get spit balls in my hair in class anymore . I even started to care about my clothes and the style of my hair a bit more too . After a few weeks , Terry reached out and held my hand one day . A few glances were all we got . That day Terry walked me to class and kissed me before I went in . There was another shift in whispers , and people didn 't mind sitting next to me , or even having to work with me on projects after that . One day , Terry invited me to his house after school . He was the first really genuine person I had known for some time , and I trusted Terry . It was not misplaced . That afternoon , after sitting on his porch swing and eating ice creams while staring down the view at Riverdale 's main road , he pulled out his guitar and played a while . Terry played what was popular at the time ; a Metalica song , Megadeath , ACDC , and others . He completely surprised me when he began playing a Classical piece I knew . It was beautiful ! He played one after another , some I had never heard before . I loved it ! It suddenly dawned on me … long hair , rebellious look , and classical music ? He was once an outcast , just like me . It wasn 't too much longer after that the world and life forced us into opposite directions , but Terry Ray Day made a lasting impact on my life with words and music that I 'm certainly not soon to forget . I stood outside that night , listening to the guitar with my eyes closed , hearing Terry 's heart tell me that someone out there understood me . After such a horrible week , after feeling like I would never be OK again , I was miraculously reminded by the wilting rose , the four pine berries , and anonymous guitar music , that I wasn 't alone after all . That was one of the sentences Mr . Lee wrote up on the chalkboard one day . Our job was to finish the sentence and accompany it with three paragraphs . Mine ended up being more than six pages long that day . Most of my classmates were struggling to come up with more than a paragraph , but I couldn 't seem to find the right ending to my story . It grew and grew ! When the time was up , Mr . Lee asked for all of the work to be turned in . " Let me see , " he said , holding out his hand . I gave him my pages and stood proudly , the nerd that I was , before my class . " This will do for now , and if you want to write more once I give it back to you , that 's fine . " I glowed . He had liked my writing ! That was the first real encouragement I had ever gotten for my writing . Even now , I post blog after blog , and it 's often several days or weeks before someone comments on my writing . No criticism , no remarks , no praise , no words . I get a few kudos here and there , and I appreciate it , but it 's the original praise that keeps me writing . Mr . Lee liked my writing , so it had to be worth something . When finally I finished that story and was ready for a new chapter , I turned in the twenty - five pages . He began reading them right away ! When he turned those back in , he wanted to know what happened to the Dinosaur and the Neanderthal . I told him as soon as I got done with the next chapter , I would turn that one in too . I read through my own story , as I often do with my own work , after he gave it back to me . He had little red marks here and there indicating paragraphs , spelling and grammar mistakes I had made , as any true teacher would . He even gave me extra credit . At the end of the story , he wrote a special note just for me on the last page . My brother and I had a babysitter somewhere around the time I was about 5 or so . She was a rather portly Hispanic woman . My brother and I loved her at first . She used to take us out for ice cream , read to us , and color in my coloring books with me . We always had such fun . Eventually , she showed her true side though . She started telling my brother she was going to tell our daddy on us if we didn 't listen to her . My brother and I really didn 't care about that , or at least I didn 't . I loved my daddy . I adored and idolized him . There was no greater being on the face of the earth than my daddy when I was 5 years old . I couldn 't understand why my brother always acted so scared when she would use these silly threats on us . It wasn 't until years later my mother told me why . Now that I look back on it , it makes a lot more sense . I loved my brother . He was my best friend . When he started acting scared of this woman , I started feeling a bit odd toward her , too . If my brother were scared of her , I most certainly would be . I drew my strength from him . I looked up to him . It escaladed to the point where he and I would hide in his closet when we were at home . I was more terrified of this woman than I was of being in a dark closet . We didn 't want her finding us . I think eventually she was able to find us in his closet , and we had to find another hiding place . For a while we chose the old car trailer my dad had in the back yard . We would climb under the middle of it and huddle together in the fall , freezing cold , but refusing to come out until we knew either Mom or Dad had come home . My brother would often hold his arm over me to keep me from shivering so hard my teeth knocked together . This woman used to take my brother and I in her station wagon every time she had somewhere to go . I don 't remember anything about where we went , but most of the time we had to stay in the car while she went in somewhere . While she was gone inside one day , my brother and I decided it was our business to be nosy . It didn 't take us long tNo comments : As my wrist gets progressively worse , my typing skills are slowing being flushed down that proverbial drain . I 've been trying to come by every day and leave something for you guys to read , but I hope you understand that it 's been rather painful . Still , I know if I don 't write something every day , I 'll have a lot of catching up to do soon . This morning I was reminded of a trip to Tijuana we took when I was a kid . My Dad 's mother had come to visit us . I never really had a chance to get to know her , and looking back on that I find it to be a real shame . She was the one involved in the Kidnap story . By that point there was such a wall between us that I wonder if it ever struck her what she had done that day . She visited so seldom and we visited her even less often than that . I think there was a sort of wall between my father and his family . In that respect , I 'm more like him than I realize . Anyway , Grandma Iva was the Grandma we didn 't talk about since we didn 't know her . I have one fond memory of her though . . . and I 'd like to share that . Uncle Roger , this one 's for you . Grandma Iva came to visit when I was about 10 or so . We were living in Victorville California at the time and it had been countless years since we had seen her . For one of the days that summer , we decided to take a trip down to Tijuana Mexico for a mini - adventure . I 'll never forget when we neared the border . The aroma in the air changed significantly . It altered to a blended smell somewhere between laundry detergent , bodily filth and rotten fruit . It was an odd mixture with that hint of lemony freshness thrown in there somewhere . People everywhere were selling things . Kids sat along the sidewalks peddling little trinkets and dolls . Women would sit on colorful blankets surrounded by paper mache roses they sold for one American dollar . A man walked past in the busy streets with brown sandals hanging from a tall stick he carried . Pinatas were hanging from every store window and the world of Tijuana was full of color in so many forms . My mother never learned a2 comments : I missed my blog post today and knew that I had to put something up for you guys before midnight . Briefly I 'll tell you why I missed out today and have about 15 minutes to make up for it . . . About 10 years ago when I was pregnant , I was climbing up into a very high pickup truck in order to head to the Doctors for an appointment . As I braced with my left hand in order to climb up , I eased myself onto the running board . I lost my balance . I felt and heard a distinctive " snap " in my wrist - I had snapped a ligament . I didn 't go to the doctors for my wrist . I ignored it and just took it easy for a while . The pain wasn 't much and didn 't think it warranted a visit . Today , and in fact for the past week , I 've been wishing that I hadn 't been so stubborn about it back then . I 've worn an ace bandage around my wrist for the past week . It began to hurt around my thumb and eventually I started to loose my strength in that hand . It elevated to intense pain anytime my wrist bent in even the slightest degree . This morning I bought a wrist brace and now I 'm having a very hard time typing at all . Still , here I am telling you my stories each day because I know you 're out there waiting , listening , reading and wondering where I am . I 'm here - but I 'm hurting . Please be patient with me . I 'll make up for it with an incredible story tomorrow about a Ren Faire Romance , complete with photos . Until tomorrow - No comments : The only chance I ever had to go to New Orleans , I jumped at it . Bill and I boarded a plane and headed there for the New Orleans Jazz Festival in the year 2003 . What a trip that was ! We stayed in an adorable little Bed and Breakfast in the French Quarter . The room had vaulted ceilings and was just across the street from Richard and Gloria . Several friends of Bill 's went , and with the large group we had , fun was sure to come naturally . Within no time at all , I was proven right . Bill and Phil got along the best . It was almost as if the two were separated at birth . They had all the same taste and I adored them both . They could make an entire room of strangers crack up with laughter as long as the people within it were intelligent enough to understand the rich and brilliant humor the two were graced with . That entire trip was spent with me nearly in stitches . One night at dinner , Bill and I accompanied Phil and his girlfriend , whom I adored . For privacy reasons , I won 't list her name . We were sat at a tiny table and ended up with a horrible waitress . When she brought us refills on our waters , she refused to pick up the empty glasses . When Phil 's girlfriend ordered two entrees with the purpose of having left overs the next day , the waitress refused to take the order saying " That 's too much food , you 'll never eat it all . " Phil 's girlfriend was an outspoken and opinionated woman . The first time I ever met her , she just about bit off the head of a waitress that asked what my age was instead of asking for my ID when I ordered a glass of wine . That 's a story for another day - but my point was that she didn 't take crap from anyone . She spoke her mind and there was never a mystery as to what she was thinking . That 's one of the many reasons I adored her . She was the polar opposite to Gloria . Our server very nearly dumped my food in my lap and Bill had to catch it . She slammed plates on the table and slapped her hands together in frustration each time we asked for something . By the end of the meal , there were around 16 glasses on 1 comment : For many , many years I had a terrible sense of direction . I would get lost walking from my house to the bus stop . It didn 't help that the house was situated at an odd angle on the corner of a 5 way intersection . I wouldn 't know my North from the West if my life had depended on it . I knew how to get home and how to get to school , but for all else , I depended on others around me . In the middle of the night , in a foreign country where English was barely spoken , I had a rude wake - up - call at 23 years old and to this day I have a hard time realizing how lucky I am to be alive . Bill and I had gone to Germany for Stefan and Barbara 's wedding . It was the first time I had been back to Germany since we moved away in 1982 . I hadn 't remembered anything about the beautiful Country in which I was born except for the briefest of flashes during that moment I found myself reminiscing over my life with my grandfather while stuck in that layer between death and life . Even then it was too limited to really know anything about where I had been born . All I could tell anyone was that I was born in Kaiserslautern . I had dreamed of going back to Germany for many years . For my 16th birthday my parents bought a VHS tape about tourism in Germany and took me to the only German restaurant in Ogden . It was a birthday worth remembering . So when I found out that there was a chance to go see where I was born , I jumped at it , eager to see the world . We flew into New York City with the aspirations of seeing a Broadway show with some other people who were also headed to the wedding over seas . I couldn 't believe it - this trip was going to give me two of my greatest dreams ! Next to Germany , my other top item on my ' bucket list ' was to go to a Broadway show ! Unfortunately things happen and my dreams of seeing the show were dashed upon the rocks like a ship lost in a storm . With Richard and Gloria , things often " came up " at the last minute , so that trip we never made it to Broadway . We had a quiet dinner in a restaurant with a 2 hour wait for a table . All I kept thinking was that we could have spent that 2 hours at Broadway , Damn the meal . The next day we were boarding a flight to Germany though , so I didn 't let it dampen my spirits . We flew into Frankfurt on a 14 hour flight with me stuck in a broken seat that wouldn 't recline . Gloria 's snide condescension drove me up the proverbial wall . I 'd never truly liked her very much anyway , but I had always been good at being ' pleasant ' to her in social situations . I grabbed out my ear buds and popped them in when the movie started with the intention of drowning her out . My in - flight head set didn 't work right for the movie though , and by the time we got there I was so bored with word search puzzles that I never wanted to see another for as long as I lived and it was all I could do to restrain myself from knocking Gloria unconscious - but we were THERE . We had made it to Germany ! My nerves were a bit frayed at this point from lack of sleep and the occasional condescending blast from Gloria . Society cant pin that many people into a cramped space with screaming kids and falling hat boxes without expecting those who know one another to be cranky with one another . We 're constricted by social graces to be kind to strangers , but with people we know , we can be our cranky selves . By the time we loaded up in the rented diesel station wagon , the four of us were snapping like bears in the salmon run . We were each out for blood and we knew it . Even the ever - patient Richard grew testy . I was ready to claw Gloria 's eyes out with just one more snide comment about how I was too young to know about this or that , or that I didn 't know about a particular social grace because I didn 't " grow up with money " as she put it . I couldn 't help but think to myself that she most likely didn 't either . Due to the way she spoke to those around her , I guessed that I had more class , dignity and grace in my little finger nail than she possessed in her entire body . There were certain things I 'd never understand according to her because she was a nurse and I wasn 't . There was something about Gloria that I truly despised . Later on I discovered what the underlying reason was for her condescension and knew that I was justified in my dislike of the woman . I 'll save that story for another day . Gloria had been rude each time she thought even for a second that it couldn 't be overheard by the men . I wasn 't the type of person to complain , so when some of her remarks were overheard inside the car , Bill started to realize there was something going on . He knew me well and could tell when I didn 't like someone , but he didn 't say anything to me about it . He thought it was all in my mind , most likely . She proved that it wasn 't all in my mind , Gloria really did NOT like me . She made that trip almost unbearable for me , but vindicated me at the same time . We drove from Frankfurt through East Germany and straight in to Prague , only getting lost once or twice on the way . We got there late at night and settled in to a Bed and Breakfast where we would be staying for the next few days . Before even 10 minutes passed , we were settled into bed for the night , exhausted from the long journey . Each of us felt as though we either had a plane or a car growing out of our buts . The next day we found ourselves wandering Prague . We visited the famous sights , took tours of castles far removed from the city and purchased typical " tourist " items like watercolor paintings of the famous clock tower . We watched the fire eaters and sword jugglers on the Charles bridge , we peered in awe at the blue glass in the shop windows along every street . The church was stunning . Prague was one of the most beautiful cities I 'd ever seen in my life . By the time we stopped into the bar for a quick meal though , we were starving and tensions were high once more . We drank fresh Pilsner beer , marveling at the massive difference between that and what we get in the States . With the beer , lips became loose and we all began to have words . Gloria had pushed me to the limit , and when Bill said something to me , I took in a negative way . Honestly I don 't even remember what he said , but tempers were flared and I was more frustrated than I let on . Without warning , I snapped . I walked out of the bar leaving the three of them sitting there . Gloria huffed behind me , complained about my being so immature because of my age , and sighed in complete impatience and ignorance . Bill thought I would be right back . My own stubborn pride refused to allow me . I stayed outside for a few minutes , but Bill came out and I couldn 't handle a discussion right then . He strode out with purpose and told me that he wanted to talk to me . He didn 't sound happy and I really didn 't want to start screaming at him in the middle of the crowded street . I walked away into the crowd and didn 't look back . If I were to guess , I would estimate the time was around 5 in the evening . I was hungry and angry , a dangerous combination for a redhead . Had anyone messed with me right then , they would have had the fight of a lifetime on their hands . I didn 't stop walking . I walked past familiar shop windows , my face steaming . I practically sped across the Charles Bridge , striding with purpose past the stunt performers and street dancers . I blazed past the musicians with open guitar cases . When I passed the station , I dug into my pockets . I had no money so I couldn 't take the train anywhere - I just kept walking . By the time the sun went down , I strongly wished I hadn 't left my jacket at the table . It had been hours since I walked away from the table and my hunger was getting the better of me . I told myself to remember the Saltine crackers , and I just kept walking . Dark , shady cars filled with dark , shady faces slowed down to look at me . Taxi 's offered me a ride , but with no currency there wasn 't much I could do . I ignored the young men making eyes at me . When the three men carrying hand guns down the middle of the road with the large , scary guy carrying an assault rifle walked past me , I refused to make eye contact . Prague turned out to be a little frightening at night . I tried to tell myself that I was going the right direction , but I wasn 't really sure . Some of the streets I wandered down started to look familiar , like I had seen them once or twice before . I walked past the Prague clock tower at least three times . I walked back across the Charles bridge no less than three times , too . The smiling faces of the flame throwers became the grimacing mugs of tattooed fire eaters as the sun set . The sword jugglers became the night 's assassins , out for my blood . The shops with the lovely blue glasses were suddenly dark and empty recesses filled with sinister shadows . Around every turn I found something waiting to swallow me into this strange world . When finally I found the main street leading out of Prague , it was nearing 11 at night . I was all alone on the streets of a foreign country where I didn 't even speak the polite words like please and thank you in the native tongue . Even if someone were to attack me , I couldn 't beg for my life properly . Not that I would do something like that . I couldn 't cry out for help . I didn 't know the streets , so I couldn 't even run away . I had no allies . I was stranded and alone in the dark night of a dangerous land . In the year 2003 the Czech Republic had some of the highest crime rates for several of the surrounding nations . When the sun goes down in Prague , girls get kidnapped and sold as sex slaves . I couldn 't believe as I wandered the frightening streets of Prague at midnight that I had once again put myself into that position . I was certain that by now Bill had gotten Gloria and Richard to agree to look for me . I was lost , cold , alone and frightened . I was hungry and tired . But I knew that since I was finally on the main road , it was only another 2 hour walk back to the Bed and Breakfast just outside of town . I could see a possible shortcut in front of me to cut about an hour off of my travel . The scariest part would be having to walk parallel to the railroad tracks , trying to avoid eye contact with the street bums . I was no stranger to that tactic , so I decided to go for it . The industrial section of Prague spewed black smoke into the air , making the dark night even darker , enveloping the stars in a thick soot that settled on everthing around me . Flames spat into the air from the chimneys , allowing brief glimpses of my surroundings . I stumbled once and fell on my hands and knees . When I stood up to dust myself off , I looked to see what it was I had stumbled over . There behind me was a leg poking out from under a blanket . It was cold to the touch , like ice . The blanket wasn 't wrapped around the body at all , but rather just tossed on top . I wondered if the body was even alive . The chimney vomited more flames and black soot , and under one corner of the blanket I saw the face . His eyes were dark , hollow shells . He stared off into nothing , vacantly resting on a pile of broken wood and shattered bricks . Even staring straight into his face I couldn 't tell if he was alive or not , but I strongly assumed he wasn 't . I bolted . I ran for all I was worth , tearing up the ground beneath me with each foot fall . I clinched my teeth together to avoid screaming . Bones were littered here and there ; I couldn 't help but wonder if they were human or not . The chimney kept belching out black , ominous clouds over bright flashes of evil flames . The world had never seemed so dark . I shivered , partially from cold but mostly from fear . I stumbled my way down the tracks . Dogs howled and barked in the distance and I suddenly had flashes in my mind of running from a pack of German Shepherds as they tracked me down and ate me for trespassing . I splashed through an open sewer and up the side of the embankment , scrambling and clawing at the hill side for something to pull myself up . The dogs sounded closer with every second . I grappled my way over the chain link fence and fell in a heap on the other side . Bill was rightfully angry at me when he found me at 3 : 30 in the morning snuggled up in bed after a hot shower , sound asleep , I don 't remember what was said or for how long he said it , but looking back on that frightening night , I 'm sure I deserved every moment of it . What I had done was incredibly impulsive and ridiculously dangerous . I don 't know exactly what I was thinking that day , if I was thinking at all . I 've always had a very active imagination . If I don 't get the chance to use it during the day I find that it becomes far more active when I 'm sleeping . My dreams were always vivid and full color . Often they would consist of me flying at a certain level through the air , gliding like a bird . Other times I would be trying to escape some persuer in a shopping mall by taking off in a bubble that had an engine like a rocket . Once or twice they were terrible dreams about the death of a family member that would frighten me to no end . Those dreams were the reason I started to sleep under my brothers bed at night - but I 'll save that for another day . I remember a reoccurring nightmare I had while we lived in Maryland though . When I was about five , I would wake up in my bed sweating and chilled to the bone from this dream . In this dream I would be ready to go to bed , dressed in a nightgown , and have the sheets on my bed pulled back . I would look over at my window and see a red sky . The color of the sky intrigued me , so I wandered over to the window to look out at it . The house was calm ; so quiet . Everyone in my family had gone to bed ; so one little peak out the window wasn 't going to do any harm . The red nights sky stretched over the houses on the other side of the grassy lawn . It went on as far as I could see , never ending , never blue . As I watched the crimson horizon , I began to feel dread creeping up inside my soul . Fear gripped at my heart . My chest hurt from holding my breath . The green grassy lawn under this terrifying nights sky was moving . I could see people emerging from the ground , flesh rotting off their bones , their hair falling from their scalps in massive putrid chunks . The earth ripped open at random , more and more bodies clawing their way out from the depths of the black soil . Holes spanned the once beautiful lawn ; bodies of the walking dead were everywhere . These zombies of once dead men and women began pacing about , restless . They headed straight for the many closed doors of everyone 's homes , including the oNo comments : Mom liked to brag about me when I was a teen , telling her friends at the Post Office about what a daredevil I was . I obviously got it from her , and I think that 's why she enjoyed it so much . Her Utah co - workers enjoyed the days she would stop in at work on her day off to pick something up and she would happen to bring me with her . We would stop and chat a while at each of the carrier cases and I would watch them laugh together like the old friends they were . Wendy and Jo Ann were my favorite carriers other than Lynn , otherwise known as " Pee Wee " at 6 ' 5 " tall , and Dale . They weren 't just my mothers friends . When I went in there , they were MY friends too . They all decided to have an office picnic one year out at the lake . Mom and Dad had a boat that they brought out with them and we spent a day eating hot dogs over an open fire , going for boat rides , slathering up with the sun block and playing in the water . When my mother found out that Dale would be bringing his SeaDoo though , she told him ahead of time that I was her little daredevil . " Scare her , Dale . Scare the $ hit out of her , " she said to him without my knowledge . " Really , " he asked . " Are you sure ? " " Yeah , scare her as much as you can . She doesn 't get scared of anything . Just have fun out there and abuse her a bit . " " You 're sure ? " " Dale , just do it . " " Ok , Beth - you asked for it . " He thought for a moment . " Just don 't be mad at me for it . " Dale saw me coming up the beach and asked me if I 'd like to go for a ride on the back of his Seadoo . I had never been on one so I jumped at the chance . It sounded like a lot of fun to me ! For a few years I had been the only one in my family able to get up on the knee board . I had jumped many waves in the inner tube . I 'd mastered the art of getting up on the water skis . I loved water sports in any form and this was one I 'd never had the chance to try but always wanted to . " When are we going , " I asked Dale , ready to spring into action like a dog eager to go for a walk . I nearly pranced with excitement . " Let me finish my burger , " he mumb4 comments : I was a whole 20 years old , naive and innocent , married and just had given birth to a beautiful , healthy child just hours before . I didn 't know what to expect . I was scared out of my mind , feeling incredible pain and just wanted it all to go away . I think a part of me prayed to die as I laid there shivering under 8 heated blankets . I remember reaching for a nurse and whispering " help me " so low she couldn 't hear me . The bed was being wheeled down a long hallway and through the typical swinging doors of the surgery room . A mask was placed over my face and I panicked . I felt the blood flowing from my body . I knew I wasn 't long for the world as I lay there bleeding to death . Fear tore at every inch of my soul . I scratched and clawed at the mask , feeling more and more faint . My eyes grew blurry , and I remember no less than 5 masked faces leaning over my head and telling me I needed to keep the mask on . I screamed and it came out more of a whimper . I was so weak I couldn 't lift my arms anymore . They collapsed to my side and my eye lids closed . I couldn 't keep fighting . My lips moved , but nothing came out . I remember crying out in my head , " God , please just let me die . I can 't take it anymore . I can 't do this . Let me die . " I got my prayer - and it was answered in an unusual sort of way . My Grandfather answered me . I wasn 't staring up at hospital lights anymore . The pain was gone . My hair was clean and hanging around my shoulders . I was standing in the middle of a grassy field with a split rail fence all around me . Daisies were speckled through the grass , and a cool blue stream eased its way past with only the faintest sound of a bubbling brook emitting from it . My feet were bare I noticed as I looked down . My skin was clean . I didn 't have hoses and needles poking out of my arms , and the medical bracelet around my wrist wasn 't there anymore . I was wearing a pale blue sun dress with little white and yellow flowers on it . A breeze lifted my hair and tossed it , but it was warm out and the sun felt heavenly . The breeze felt lLinks to this post I wanted high heels at a very young age . No matter how much I begged and pleaded , I wasn 't ever allowed to have any high heels . Most of . . . Quickly , panic took over and I began to scream . I yanked and pulled on the door handle but the door didn 't move . I kicked and screamed . . . The ball sailed through the air and I leaped up to catch it in mid air . My feet landed on the ground and I ran with everything I had . I knew . . . Cliffs loomed before us . Half of the kids in the raft screamed for dear life while I giggled like a mad man . We all grabbed a hold of . . . |
If this visit to Found Baby 's musings is your first , welcome ! Found Baby writes about her everyday adventures , about how she feels , thinks , and the challenges she faces living in a world so obsessed with beauty and perfection . As she adjusts to life out of the ground , she can 't help but recall bits and pieces of her life before she was buried , and those memories are heartbreaking . It might help if you start from her first post back in March 2010 , and read backwards to learn the story about how she was found . If you are simply reading the current post , may her story of survival and hope touch at least one of you . She believes there are no coincidences , and you landing on her blog isn 't one either . Welcome , no masks needed . . . . . . . . . . . Found Baby . For the next three days I waited with baited breath . I waited for Arly to sit me down and tell me that she had all the answers , that she could tell me what had happened to my Angel Face . I paced , I fretted , I paced , but no answer came . . . and I got angry . I just couldn 't understand why she wouldn 't finally , after all these months , tell me what she had found out . . . and that she knew what had happened . As the warmth of the sun lit up my face through the window I laid in the bed a while and watched the shadow leaves dance across my fingers . It appeared to be a beautiful day , a bit chilly because I was bluer than blue this morning , but not cold enough for sky blue . Found Friend was still snoring and for the life of me I couldn 't figure out how such a loud sound could come from such a tiny nose . I thought about my anger for a while , how it seemed to seep through my pores and create a film around my spirit . I had to let it go , I had to trust that Arly would clue me in when it was time . So I did . After a while I rolled out of bed and heard music playing in the kitchen . This meant Arly was in a spectacularly great mood and this got my juices flowing toward optimism . Sure enough , Arly was pouring coffee and I could tell she was smiling because the steam seamed to hit her face and smile too . This made me wonder what she was up to . . . . and I knew it was something . When the usual good morning hugs were given , Arly whispered in my ear that she had a new friend she wanted me to meet , one that was coming to live with us for a while , and who needed some special friends . Wooohooo ! I loved meeting new friends now , Arly knew this , but as soon as I got all excited the sense of dread hit me in the gut because I was afraid she wouldn 't like me . All the fears of being made fun of because of the way I looked flooded my eyes , but Arly just smiled . She promised me Delphine , that 's the new girl 's name , would love me . She would love me because Delphine was special too . There was something about her , she glowed pink and fresh , and not once did I notice her hair . Well , maybe once , but it was a millisecond compared to the fact that she reminded me of how we all were once pretty like her . Hesitantly , I said " Hi " , and quiet tears started flowing from her face . I asked her why she was crying and she just hung her head . I had been here before , when I was first brought out of the ground , and I knew why her heart ached . And then , as quick as lightning , a hint of terror crossed my heart and was gone as soon as it came . I had hoped she didn 't notice that my blue faded into ice blue or that the three hairs on the back of my neck were standing up . I knew this face . . . I knew it like I was breathing . All Arly would tell me was that Delphine was sick and the medicine she had to take every day made her hair fall out , and Delphine was embarrassed that she looked ugly and that people would make fun of her , so she was going to join our family for a while . At first , I didn 't realize she never flinched when she saw me , that was a first , but as I begaArdith Goodwin Holy Cow Moly ! Arly got an opossum today . . . . or should I say an " Opossum ! " When I first saw him , I mean Philip I , I chuckled a bit because he was just a tad ' weird looking , ' then I remembered how I looked and decided he was pretty handsome . . . as possums go . I knew about opossums , but what I knew didn 't fit the bill for Philip . Late at night , especially when the moon chose to stay hidden , I would feel the prickle of tiny fingernails across my back and at first think I was saved . Sadly , once the cold , wet nose would start rooting around I would realize it wasn 't my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me but an opossum , a grub hunting , bug snorting opossum ! I didn 't particularly care for them . When Angel Face was little , one got into the trash can and scared us both half to death when we took Mama 's garbage out . He hissed , like we were wicked or something , but Philip seemed a lot different than those opossums . Philip seemed . . . . friendly . His eyes were the same color as mine and Arly told me he was found under a car and left for dead . Oh , my heart broke because it made me remember that feeling of being left for dead , and I knew that I would instantly love Philip . Found Friend wasn 't so willing , in fact , she was scared hairless and decided to stay far away from Philip . That meant he was all mine , which made me secretly happy on the inside . For the life of me I couldn 't quit looking at him , his whiskers , his long piano fingers , and that tail ! I figure God 's imagination started to work overtime when he created opossums because they were one interesting critter . Philip seemed to like me too , but keeping his attention and carrying on a conversation took a bit of a go . Good thing I smelled like dirt I figure , kind of made him feel at home . We spent a swell bit of time playing in our bucket of dirt today and it wasn 't so bad . I mean , it didn 't bring back horror thoughts of being buried , in fact , it was the first time ever that I could remember loving the feeling of dirt on my skin . Guess that was because having an opossum " A Clue To The Answers You Seek " It is hard to comprehend the past few days really . What I can recall is that Arly found me passed out beside my bed , barely breathing . So much about that night is fuzzy really , except I remember heaving and feeling as if the very breath inside me would never return . Honestly , I wanted to die . Maybe Arly knew this , maybe she understood that the pain of what I had felt and remembered in that nightmare was too much to bear . I really couldn 't tell , but she had watched me with a careful eye the past few days and made me promise to talk about it when I was ready . Gazing out the window , I knew I would never be ready to have that conversation , not for a very long time . I just didn 't want to go there , and part of me knew Arly understood this . This evening though something happened that upset Arly and at first I didn 't quite understand why . She received some news that a man named Steve Jobs had passed away of Pancreatic Cancer at age 56 and was heartbroken over it . I knew all too well what this cancer thing meant , as Angel Face 's PawPaw died way too young over what she called the " C " word . I asked Arly about him , and why she was so upset . At first she didn 't feel up to talking much about it but later she pulled me in her lap at the computer and showed me a picture of him . As I looked at him he seemed like such a young man to have died , kind of like PawPaw , and then I realized he was only 6 years older than I was . Arly then went on to tell me how important he was to the tech industry and how he had changed people 's lives because of his inventions with the computers and many other things . I thought a lot about this , and how some folks seem to work hard to serve others and contribute . Angel Face never really got a chance to do that , but I know like I am breathing that if she could have , she would have served others , her heart was just that big . Arly said she wanted me to hear a quote from Steve Jobs about dying . . . . . . or living actually . I looked at her like she was daft , but when she read the quote I knew exactly why she share " Your time is limited , so don 't waste it living someone else 's life . Don 't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people 's thinking . Don 't let the noise of others ' opinions drown out your own inner voice . And most important , have the courage to follow your heart and intuition . They somehow already know what you truly want to become . Everything else is secondary . " Steve Jobs I also felt ashamed for feeling like I wanted to die earlier . Yes , I hurt , my heart hurts , but I am still here . I still have something left to give , and deep down inside I know that Angel Face would want me to do that . I looked up at Arly with tears in my eyes and knew that I would be OK . I may have this huge hole in my heart but at least I have the ability to feel , and love , and experience life . Angel Face doesn 't have that , but I do . What I know now is that despite what I remember or am not ready to face , there is life to be lived while all that takes place , and that life is important . I buried my head in Arly 's lap and lay there for a while . We were both sad over losing people in our lives , but we were both still here , looking at the grass from the top not the bottom . I would have to work on being grateful for that , for I sure don 't want to go back to picking dirt out of my mouth . NEXT POST The days following my nightmare seemed as if they all blurred into one , long bit of existence . It wasn 't that I was trying to forget her , I just found the memory so painful that going back there . . . . re - living that horrid night wasn 't something I thought I ever would have to do . Exhausted , I picked myself up and decided to to put the images that broke my heart away , deep inside where no one , not even I could reach them . There was only one problem . I had no control over what my mind did at night . With this realization , I made a promise to myself that I would not fall asleep . I wouldn 't close my eyes after the lights dimmed , not for a split second . I would nap while Baby B was close by . I would catnap when Arly was playing some tunes and I could pretend to close my eyes and listen . I simply wouldn 't sleep at night . . . . . sleeping was not an option . It was close to three days before Arly realized that something wasn 't right . Maybe it was the fact that my rusted eyelids started creaking and actually closing every now and then or maybe it was the fact that I would daze off in the middle of a conversation . Regardless , Arly knew something was up and I wasn 't sure if hiding the fact that I was afraid to go back to sleep was a great idea . As much as I wanted to say something , to fall out and tell her what I had remembered , I knew that if I did there would be many more questions than I was prepared to answer . You see , there was much more at stake here than just recalling a bad time . If I agreed to tell the truth , especially the truth as it seemed to be imprinted in my mind , I would be putting Arly in danger as well as Baby B . I had already lived this nightmare once . There was no way I was willing to live it again , and if that meant keeping the truth a secret , then that is what I was prepared to do . Arly insisted that we go to bed early because I think she was wising up on my effort to avoid getting some shut eye . Secretly I had wondered if Baby B had ratted me out , but she made no mention of it which is unlike her , so I just deFlashback Part II 11 steps to the bottom of the staircase was what I remembered and as he took a step on the first one the board creaked as if it were crying out in pain . There were small cracks in steps three and four which gave me and Angel Face a chance to see a tiny bear paw imprint on the bottom of his shoe . I knew this print all too well as it showed up on Angel Face 's back occasionally , only backwards . She gripped my face ever so tightly , and as he began to move towards the tenth step a shiny , flicker of light flashed in the corner of my eye . It was a the tip of an ice pick which had fallen behind an old crate which Paw Paw used to use when he would get a bunch of block ice delivered . Angel Face saw it too and as she reached out to grab it with her tiny fingers the light caught the bracelet her mamma gave her in just the right way to make it glow like a moonbeam . It was too late . He had seen us , but not before she was able to grab the ice pick and conceal it under her sleeve . Ten Fingers reached out and grabbed her by the nape of her neck . As she screamed she dropped me , and I lay there unable to move with my eyes wide open and able to see everything . It was in this split second that I saw three things : the tip of the ice pick followed by what seemed like buckets of blood , Angel Face 's bracelet shattered on the floor beside me , and Robin 's Egg blue paint flown in my direction . After that , the lights went out . Making my eyelids open was not something I found at all appealing this morning . On the other hand , keeping them closed and living in the land of nightmares wasn 't something I was willing to do one second longer , so open them I did . Baby B was sound asleep , and a snorer . For that I was grateful , because I knew she wouldn 't see the tears rolling down my face , hear my heart beat that seemed to pound out of my chest , or realize that something was wrong . Baby B seemed quite peaceful in her slumber , and I lay there and wept beside her . We were hiding that night , behind the back of the cellar stairs , next to the cobwebs and the remnants of rat droppings . There was a stale smell in the air , and one of dampness that I thought would permeate our skin if we breathed for very long . Angel Face had this look of pure horror on her pale , porcelain face and all she could do was hold her hand over our mouths and pray our breathing was silent . We could hear him upstairs , between the cracks of the floor boards , his screams seemed to stretch out and grab us by the collar . This had happened before , when Angel Face 's mother was out visiting her with her bridge group , but this night seemed different . This time , I sensed there was a real possibility that we may not survive this night . And just about then , the cellar door opened . I couldn 't lay in the bed any longer for fear my sobs would wake Baby B , so I ever so slowly pulled back the covers , being careful not to send a chill to her legs , and put the blanket back just so . Arly wasn 't awake , in fact , the house was quiet except for hum of the of the air conditioner , so I headed towards the bathroom where my special mirror stays , the one just tall enough for me to see myself without help . Looking in mirrors isn 't my favorite thing to do , but I wanted to make sure there was no evidence of tears , or cat butter , or anything resembling the fact that I had nightmares . I was bound and determined to forget what I dreamed , if it was the last thing I ever did . The only problem was , with every breath , all I could hear were screams . . . . . . I realize I 'm different . It doesn 't take a rocket scientist to figure that out . What 's been bugging me lately though , like a NoSeeUm at a picnic , is that I don 't feel different . I mean , I don 't feel ugly . Inside , I feel beautiful , but outside . . . . . I look ugly . At least I think that is how people see me . People seem to really care about being all dolled up , putting their face on , and doing up their hair . Angel Face used to play with my hair , when I had hair and didn 't look like this , but she would have loved me even now . Angel Face wouldn 't care that I am different , she would simply love me because of me . One thing I have learned since coming out of the ground is that looks shouldn 't matter as much as they do . When Arly takes me and Found Friend out on field trips , I watch people . I see their eyes staring back at me , like they are trying to figure out just what is wrong with me . Do they not get that sometimes their hair is hideous ? Do they not realize their face may look like as different as inside , outside , and bassackwards ? Maybe they don 't really . Maybe they just see me as bizarre , and won 't take the time to see past my face into who I am . I see that as a shame on their part . Humans are just too artificial I think . They need a good dose of some dirt to change their lenses . This afternoon , as the sun started to dip just a little lower than it normally does I decided I would plank myself next to the window so I could feel the warmth of the light flowing in . I didn 't expect what happened next . I mean , I had no idea the light would turn to color , and as soon as I realized it the colors started to flow all over me and all of a sudden I knew I would be OK , at least for today . Basking in the glow of all that rainbow light made me realize something . Yes , I am different . But on the inside , I am filled with all these brilliant lights that are beautiful , and one day , yes , one day , most folks will see the light inside me instead of landing their eyes on my face and stopping cold . Maybe I will tell Arly to write that in her book . Maybe I will tell her to tell them . . . . . to see me for who I am , not what I look like . Then again , Arly already does that , and I bet as sure as I am blue she will tell the world for me . She will tell them , let their colors flow too ! I used to lay in my bed at night and wonder what Arly was thinking . I wondered why she spent countless hours talking about how she found me , how tragic it was that I was found like . . . . . well . . . you know , but that she quit using her typewriter thingy to share my story . My feelings were actually hurt a little and I didn 't understand . Was it because she got tired of writing about an ugly doll ? Was it because she thought my story didn 't matter any more ? Was it because she didn 't love me ? All those thoughts , ideas , fears I say . . . . . yes , fears , floated around in my head for the past few months and I didn 't have the courage to be bold enough to ask her . As the days grew hotter , and the nights caused my hair to stick in clumps , all matted like because of this gosh awful Alabama humidity , I secretly wondered what had happened . . . until today that is . Today I got my answers , and if my cheeks could blush , I would be glowing a beautiful shade of amethyst , rather than my usual peacock blue . Arly has been writing a book . Not just any book . Not just a simple story like Harold and the Purple Crayon . Not just a " sits on the shelf and gets dusty " book , but a book about ME ! All this time , all this " what on earth was she thinking time " , she was writing my story and now I feel all silly like . I really thought she didn 't love me . For shame I say ! Arly said it was no accident how I was found and this story was bigger than the both of us and needed to be told , but there were details about it she had to be careful with , for reasons she couldn 't share with me . That made my heart skip I beat but I trust her . . . . I trust her that she will learn the truth and share it . After looking into Arly 's eyes . . . I mean really looking into them , I knew she had my heart so mine relaxed a bit and I felt known . This gave me a chance to come up for air and turn my attention to the coming days ahead and wanting to have my picture taken again . I kind of got spoiled being in front of the lens , and a small part of me kind of sighed because I missed having the looks of " pretty " even though I know I am pretty on the inside . At first , after I was found , I didn 't want my picture taken because I was embarrassed about how I looked . But these days , I am embracing my ' inner beauty ' and have high hopes to be a couture model . Arly had this magazine filled with dolls as pretty as petunias . Their faces where baby butt soft looking and their hair . . . . well their hair is what dreams are made of . When Arly wasn 't looking I crawled up onto that magazine with a mirror to get a look - see at what it would be like to have big hair . What do you think ? Is it me ? Gaaaahhhhhh ! It 's crazy looking isn 't it ? g hair to be loved . I 've got that love couture market cornered these days , : ) Next Post Black Gold , or oil , as some call it , seems to get folks all stirred up more than anything I know . For days I have heard conversations about oil in the Gulf , families going out of business , and animals dying . I don 't quite understand exactly what has happened , but it sure has Arly upset , which reminds me of another time , many years ago , that people I cared about were upset over oil . Angel Face 's family was in the oil business . I know that because her daddy ran the company his daddy started back in the 30 's , and they didn 't lack for money or for round the clock visitors in the house . Her daddy wasn 't one of those men who came home looking like a tar ball washed up on the beach or anything , he was a suit man , and the one all the other folks who came to visit seemed to give a heap of respect to . Most of the time the business of oil wasn 't discussed while Angel Face or the family was doing family things , but I recall one month , which led in to several , that the topic of oil was the only thing talked about , and Angel Face was glad for the distractions . " Oil Embargo " , that 's the phrase I would hear being chewed up and spit out during those months . The talk was so loud and angry filled , that I would guess the dolls in the next house could have heard it too . Angel 's daddy stayed angry , he paced the floors , stayed gone at times a lot longer than usual , and I almost thought this embargo thing might be an answer from God to the prayers I had been praying , but it didn 't last . It stirred things up , and eventually , things seemed to go back to normal , but I don 't think normal is what anyone should call it really . Similar discussions have been going on here at Arly 's , but with a completely different tone I think . She is sad . Sitting in her lap , while watching the local news , pictures of birds coated in oil like oily chocolate dip cones flashed before us and grown men stood crying about losing everything they had because of the spill . I knew this wasn 't about a family upset about moving down the money ladder , it was about a terribThere was just something about going down to the creek and playing in the glass water , that 's what she called it , that made her smile from the inside out . She had bug collections , and named each one with names beginning with F . Her favorite was Frinkle , some kind of weird looking beetle thing that had wings with jewel colors . I think she could have easily been a fairy in another life , living amongst the beautiful nature beings that most folks seem to take for granted , and maybe she is now . Maybe she is a fairy angel protecting all those things she loved . Just before going to bed I remembered playing with a glass bowl and some sea shells on one of the field trips Arly took me on . I closed my eyes and prayed that God would place a bubble like that around all things beautiful in the Gulf , and I pictured Angel Face with a bubble around her too , keeping all the " oily bad stuff " out , and letting only the beautiful in . I wish we would have had that bubble a long time ago , but some wishes come way too late don 't they ? No blah , no ick , no wanting to bury my head back in the dirt today . On this day , I feel like nothing could get me down , not my blueberry face , my balding head , my cut off fingers , nothing , nada , zip ! Not even being called a creep face . On this day I found out Arly has been looking for E . B . Chinaberry , Ecky is coming home from the doll hospital , and I have been invited to my very own art show . Days like this make life worth living . So , chase those mullygrubbies away folks and do the happy dance with me . ( I can 't really bend my legs so I need you to humor me on this one ! ) On a separate note , Arly told me she has to go the hospital in the morning to have some surgery . I asked her if she was scared , and she promised me she wasn 't , but I am not too sure . Just between you and me , I am gonna hide out in her bag and go with her just in case she needs me to hold her hand . Since I don 't really have too many fingers , she can hold my arm that is . Lord have mercy , I forget sometimes I am missing parts of myself . Think I just might go put some Peter , Paul , and Mary on vinyl to play in the front room and groove with Baby B for a while . Today , dirt is for worms and life is good ! Next Post I have a blue face and a balding head . Terrible isn 't it ? When I walk past a mirror I sometimes do a double take because I don 't recognize the face I see looking back at me . I didn 't always look like this . Once upon a time , I had soft , curly hair that hung gently across my shoulders in little ringlets , my lips were a baby blush pink , and my eyes were , well , beauty star gorgeous . But now , I am what some call disfigured , or ugly , or at worst . . . . . creepy looking . Yep , I said it , some people see me and just think I look creepy . For the most part , I don 't mind the way I look . I mean , I have had a bit of time to adjust and get used to my new appearance , but every now and then there are moments that take me back to that horrific night , the night I was made to look like this . One of Arly 's little friends came for a visit and brought her new little baby doll . That 's what got me all in a tizzy because that doll had baby doll skin , like I used to have , and it made me angry . I didn 't get angry at this new baby , instead , it made me angry about what happened to us all those years ago , to Baby B and Ecky , but most of all , to Angel Face . When no one was looking , I crawled up on the table where that little , or should I say , little doll with a rather large head , was propped up next to her blanket . I couldn 't figure out why her head seemed so large compared to mine . She didn 't talk , she didn 't wink or smile , she just sat there staring blankly into space . At first I got the shivers , like a cat walked across my back , because I feared that after we were buried , they quit making dolls like us , and these new dolls were just rubber baby looking things . But something inside me told me that wasn 't the case . I think my face may have just scared this doll slap to death or something . Part of me wished I had a cattle prod so I could shock that doll into life again , but then I thought bad about thinking that . I had no clue what had happened to her , I just looked at her face , her larger than should be face , and assumed the worst I guess . My stomaPosted by Ever since I have been out of that dirt the strangest things seem to catch my attention . We were traveling down Dauphin Street , once again headed into the Mobile Arts District , and for the first time I noticed what I thought was a little round , yellow and blue castle sitting on the side of the road . The further along the road we went , the more of them I saw and I begged Arly to pull over so I could get a closer look at them . At first , she tried to tell me they were just fire hydrants , but I didn 't buy that story at all . For one thing , there was no fire anywhere in sight , and for two , back in the day fire hydrants used to be all brown and ugly , almost like metal splinters sticking half way out of the ground , and these fantastic things were way too beautiful than that , not to mention their tops were the same color as my cheeks , so I had to check them out . Reluctantly , Arly pulled over and as I climbed out of the car , I realized they were a lot larger than I was and they didn 't appear to be a castle at all . Instead , they were hard , and had rounded ridges with strange little knobs here and there . I thought for a minute and looked at Arly all embarrassed because I knew she was right , they must be fire hydrants , I just couldn 't get over how bright and colorful they were compared to the ones that I remembered from many years ago . She let me climb up on top , to touch the blue hat connected to the yellow post like thingy , and for a minute or two I felt like I had climbed a mountain . Unexpectedly , I got a bit carried away , lost my balance , and before I knew it I was heading head first toward the sidewalk . Arly caught me just in time , but not before my pride got a little squashed and I felt like a buffoon for being so careless . Arly just grinned at me and told me that curiosity was just a part of life and that if she had been buried for almost 41 years and was found , she would find just about everything she saw pretty fascinating too . That seemed to stick with me the rest of the day , the almost falling and cracking my pitifArly didn 't seem to notice the note I slipped in her purse , at least if she did , she didn 't let on to me . So , later that evening , just before going to bed , I scribbled the name ' E . B . Chinaberry ' on the side of the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom . One thing I knew for sure about human folk , they spend a lot of time going in and out of the bathroom , so I figured I couldn 't miss with this one . Before I nodded off I kept hearing that old man repeat that quote , and for a minute , I could hear Angel Face laughing at him . Not a bad way to end my day after all . Next Post How do I look ? I mean , how do I look all dolled up with clothes on ? A lot has happened since the other day when Baby B and I got made fun of through the fence . I knew Arly had been getting ready for a wedding and part of me got a little excited about it at first . I had fretted over what I would wear , because no proper lady goes to a wedding in her underwear , so Arly made this dress for me . When I put it on , I was still really upset about being called a creep face . Getting past that was simply going to take some time , so I tried my best to show some excitement about this dress and going to a wedding . The excitement didn 't last long . Arly 's family began arriving in droves and I lost count past 15 of them . Even though I was dressed for the occasion , I wasn 't too thrilled about meeting new folks , especially so many of them at one time . I sucked it up though , put my best face forward , and greeted a few of them with my tiny , polite smile . At first , I think they were fascinated by me , or by my looks , because that 's all they seemed to talk about . I quickly realized that who I was as a person would not be the topic of conversation , so I kept to myself for the most part . I didn 't like big crowds , never did , and sure didn 't see any reason to change my attitude now . After a while , when the attention was directed at the bride , I tip - toed back to my room , and felt great comfort just being with Baby B . Because of all the wedding commotion Arly didn 't have a lot of time to spend with me and I was cool with that . I was actually supposed to go to the wedding with her , but after the awkward morning in the yard , and the even more awkward time spent meeting and being oogled over by new folks , I decided I would skip this one . Taking that dress off didn 't hurt my feelings one bit either . I think Arly tried her best , but that thing itched like ants on a trashcan , and I just realized my underwear would have to do for now . There was one point , the day of the wedding when the one toilet in the house broke three hours before the event started , and I really thought Arly was going to lose her mind . Baby B and I just sat back and watched the chaos continue , and for several days we were OK with just being alone and laughing at the human folk . At night , when everyone was asleep , I would sneak out of my room and turn the spooky lights on . They were spooky because they glowed green and purple and I often thought if aliens were real , they would see the lights , almost like beacons , and come visit me . Then again , most folks would think I was one brick short of a full load for thinking that , so I really just liked the way they hid the color of my skin . They almost made me want to live in the shadows forever . After a few days of hiding out , Arly came hunting me and Baby B . As much as I enjoyed having the house to myself , playing in the dark , and not having to see people , especially when Baby B was asleep , I realized I had missed Arly . She picked us both up and gave me that look , the one I dreaded most of the time . . . . field trip ! Before we left though I did one important thing , I wrote down the name of someone I needed to find , who held the key to finding The Ten Man , and left it secretly in her purse . Hopefully , if the wind was blowing my way , luck might be in the air . On the other hand , I just might get as lucky as the chance of catching an alien peeking through my black light . One way or the other , I would find her . My Dearest Angel Face , I dreamed last night about that Tuesday , the day you turned 8 years old , the day that changed everything . You were there with your smiling face and pink cheeks , dressed in your smocked gown with yellow , tiny roses across the front . When the rays of the sun touched your hair it glistened , all golden like , and you laughed your way through the day surrounded by your friends . Do you remember the gift your momma gave you , the one in the jeweled box , that sang to you ? I wish I could hear that song again , to feel close to you , because I miss you . I wish for the life of me you had gotten a chance to listen to it too , more than once . My heart believes wherever you are that you are happy , smiling all golden like I remember , and hearing your song . I miss you . Loving you muches , Found Baby As soon as I finished writing the letter I balled it up and threw it in the trash . Part of me felt better after writing it , even though it was really sloppy , but part of me was angry . Anger was not an emotion that I cared for , I didn 't know what to do with it , how to act , or how to walk through the day with it , but nevertheless , it was here , and I had to deal with it . Missing Angel Face came in waves lately . A certain color , or song , or flash in my mind triggered waves of memories of her , and I deeply missed her . Writing her letters seemed to help , but this one , this one seemed to sting a little bit more , because the details of that day were like they just happened , and anger was all I could embrace through it . I made a vow to myself today , that I would do whatever it took to find out exactly what happened to my Angel Face , and where she might be , in Heaven or here , somewhere near me . Not wanting to dwell on being angry all day , I asked Baby B if she wanted to head outside to play , to feel the wind in our little spits of hair , to just be . Arly was fretting over dust bunnies and catering issues since the wedding was Saturday , so we were left with a lot of free time , Baby B and me . Baby B dashed for the door and I knew her joy for life was coming back . We played patty cake in the mud , collected three heart shaped rocks , and pretended we were princess fairies with magical powers . It was grand fun , that was until some neighborhood kids stopped by the fence . Now , I know we look different , I mean , I have a balding head with a blue face and Baby B looks burned and all with her mohawk hair do . But , I never dreamed someone would walk by our own yard and make fun of us . At first the little boys just stared , then they started calling us " Creep Face " and " Burned Baby , " which made me angry . Baby B didn 't seem to notice , or at least she let on like she didn 't , but those words hurt . We walked over to the fence , to try and talk to them , but they just laughed and rode away on their bikes . I stood there for the longest time wondering if this fence was to keep them out , or us in . Honestly , I don 't really know now . All I know is that it hurts to be made fun of and I hate it , and for a brief second , I missed that dirt . For the past 48 hours I have watched Arly run around here and there like new puppy chasing a wind up toy . The phrases " I hope it doesn 't rain " and " You can 't wear brown shoes with a black suit , " have been repeated more times than I can count so Baby B and I have kinda been doing our own thing , which has been really nice considering how difficult last week was . As the household seemed to be preparing for a big day , which I kinda think is a wedding , I turned my attention to the great outdoors , and of course , Baby B followed right along . Mobile is beautiful in the spring with the azaleas right on the verge of being in full bloom . Arly 's yard is chock full of them , in various shades of pinks and white , lined up in the front yard like a welcoming committee for the new season . It had been such a long time since I had seen the natural beauty of flowers , the kind that comes from seeing them bloom on the tree or bush , rather than in a vase . Angel Face used to pick them out of her yard and bring her momma little bouquets , which I always thought was as pretty as she was . Her momma would get her sparkly , glass vase out and place those flowers in it like they were shipped in from France or something and she would always stick one behind my ear and tell me I was gorgeous . Those were such great days . Baby B took a fancy to the flowers too , and we spent the longest time just smelling them and rubbing their soft petals on our cheeks hoping that even the smallest bit of color would rub off . Every now and then a bumble bee the size of my head would whiz by freaking me out , but it never seemed to be interested in giving us any more attention than that , which was a relief . Bees are not my thing , especially after I remembered what they could do to someone who was allergic . Baby B didn 't seem to mind , and every now and then she would grin at me with her tiny , pink lips . Seeing her smile made me feel pretty good , like things were going to be all right after all . That was a much better feeling than that ick I had felt the past few days and the thought occurred to me that I almost wished we could stay surrounded by these flowers forever , so beautiful and calm . The afternoon drifted into evening and as we headed inside , I grabbed a flower and tried to stick it ever so gently behind my ear just like Angel Face used to do . No matter how hard I tried it kept falling out , because I guess I was way too bald for it to stay put . Arly looked over and saw the look of frustration on my face and came to my rescue with a wee bit of glue . It was perfect and I knew if Angel Face could see me she would think so too . I felt pretty swell for the most part of the night . Ecky was still really on my mind because I knew she had been sent to the doll hospital to see if anything could be done to help her , and the waiting was driving me nuts . Beside that though , the realization that me and my friends were safe , and being taken care of again like we mattered , was more than enough for one day . And as the evening came to a close , I curled up with Baby B , read her the story of Winken , Blinken , and Nod , and watched her drift off to sleep . I would have quickly followed if not for one , tiny problem . A wedding was in my near future it seemed , and peaking under the covers all I could see were my undies , which I doubt would be appropriate for most folks . All I could think about now was what on earth would I wear ? Gahhhhhhhhh ! Next Post This morning was one of those mornings where I just wanted to lay in bed , close my eyes , and pretend I was in one of those fantasy books that my Angel Face used to read to me . Any one of them would have been better than my reality I think , especially the kind where there was a prince and a princess , and despite being a tad cliche ' , a happy ending ALWAYS occurred . And on the other hand , I found myself hating the authors of them , because they made me long for something that will never be , and I felt lied to . Arly must have picked up on the fact that I was in a foul mood so she quietly turned on some soft jazz music while she fixed breakfast , and I was able to lose myself a bit listening to Ella Fitzgerald and Duke Ellington . At first I didn 't know why they made me feel so at ease , but then I remembered back in the day when Angel Face 's mom used to listen to her vinyl collection on the record player , and as they sang to her , she would dance with Angel Face standing on her toes , just like she was a big girl . I loved that memory , and it helped snap me out of my ick , or should I say mood , or maybe just the morning fog as Arly says . Arly said that she would have to spend some time picking out her clothes for the Easter service on Sunday , so before Baby B had a chance to wake up , I climbed up on Arly 's dresser and watched her . I have never seen someone change their mind as often as she did , and for a minute or two , I figured she would end up going in her pajamas because those outfits she picked out were , well let 's just say , odd . I think she knew I was getting a kick out of watching her , so she told me I could go and pick out a cross from her collection that she could wear to church . As I climbed over to where she keeps her jewelry I quickly realized that wasn 't going to be easy because Arly , well she seemed to have a thing for crosses . There were itty bitty crosses , gold and silver crosses , and lots and lots that had iridescent jewels all over them . They were my favorite so I picked out the perfect one , the blue one , whDear Jesus above my bed , Another day has ended and I made it safely here , thank you . Hear my prayer for all I love so dear , especially my mommy . Protect her please , dear God , from harm that may come to her . Forgive me of my sins today , I tried to do much better . And thank you for two eyes to see , two ears to hear , two hands to do your service . May I tomorrow do no wrong and stay away from harm . Bless all my friends and angels who protected me today , may tomorrow be a new day , filled with love , and peace I pray . Amen . I quietly walked over to where it was hanging and reached up to touch it , because I thought I just might understand why she loved him so . Angel Face used to tell me the stories of Jesus that she learned from Sunday School down at the church around the corner . Her face would beam with joy as she told me how much he loved her , and that one day he got nailed to that cross so she would go to heaven . That confused me a little bit , but as I looked up at this cross , into his face , I got a strong sense that this must have been the ultimate act of love , and it made me feel really glad that Angel Face was with him . Cries from Baby B could be heard coming from the next room so I quickly jumped down and went to let her know she wasn 't dreaming either . The look on her face was relief when she saw me . Of course , she didn 't say anything , but I knew she remembered me . I told her to wake up and lets go , we had Easter eggs to dye , and you would have thought I offered her a new head of hair or something . What a smile she gave me ! Looking at Ecky was not the easiest thing to do , nor was it the hardest . Thinking about what happened to her , to make her look like this , was . All the memories I had of wishing her mouth was duct taped , that she would stop annoyingly repeating everything she heard , laid heavy on my heart and I wished , oh I wished , I would have been more tolerant of her ' gift . ' That 's putting it nicely . Actually , we were friends of sort , Ecky , me , and Baby B , and together we made quite a team . I think part of her was a little jealous of how much love I got from Angel Face , but she never admitted to it , because the phrase , " You get all the attention , " was never said in our house . In fact , Angel Face kept her words pretty quiet , at least around Ecky . Ecky 's body , or what was left of it that is , laid awkwardly on the counter as I watched Arly get ready to try and clean her . She had no legs or torso , just her head , with two gangly arms still attached by a rusted , metal bar . When Arly picked her up , her arms would wiggle back and forth like she was still trying to dig her way out of that dirt , or at least dig herself away from him . Her hair was matted with layers of dirt and it seemed to be twisted to one side like it had been given way too many layers of muddy Dippity Do . She was simply pitiful . For a minute , I kinda prayed that maybe it wasn 't Ecky with that darkly , scorched skin . But then , when I saw the expression on her face , and remembered the last words I heard her say , I knew it was her , my chatty friend Ecky , and it looked like she had gotten the worst of it from the Ten Man that night . As I lay my finger on her face it occurred to me why she , instead of me , would have gotten it so bad from him . Her ' gift ' of speech could betray him , and betraying the Ten Man was like walking into a den full of Cotton Mouths , it just wasn 't done . Arly prepared me for the fact that she couldn 't really save Ecky because she was missing too much of herself , and Arly wasn 't a miracle worker . But I didn 't say anything , I just watched her get cleaned up , put my arm around Baby B , and tried to grasp the enormity of what had happened to us , and why . I asked Arly if she could take a picture of the three of us , like we used to pretend to do for Angel Face and she said sure . Angel Face would have loved seeing us together again . Maybe not all mangled , but she would have loved it just the same . Carefully , I leaned over and touched Ecky 's face and I kind of felt that she might have realized she had been found and was surrounded be her friends again . Baby B just sat there looking stunned , with a tear rolling down her face , in silence . I told her to shrug it off and smile for the camera , which she tried to do , but her rusted eyes just seemed to be stuck all sad looking . As the day drew to a close and Ecky and Baby B had been fixed up as much as Arly knew how , she asked if I wanted to talk about what had happened to them . She said by the shape that we were in , and how we were found , she knew something terrible had happened , and I just looked at her with this empty stare . There was no way I was going back there , no way I would relive the events that landed the three of us layers under the ground and left for dead . But most of all , I knew like I was breathing , that going back to that night meant reliving what happened to Angel Face , and what happened to her , was something that made what happened to us , seem loving . I just couldn 't go there . Next Post It was a shock . . . . to say the least . Arly came back from the place where she found me , and when she walked in the door I knew something was wrong . The look on her face was puzzling , and I wasn 't sure if it was sadness , concern , or even heartbreak . That was until my eyes looked down at her hands , and I instantly knew what the look meant . . . . she had found my friends , at least part of them . Tears welled up in my eyes and for a minute I couldn 't look at them . The last memory I had with my friends was one of darkness , being thrown in that suffocating duffle bag , and hearing the cries of Baby B . Ecky kept repeating , " Gotta get rid of the last bit of evidence " , over and over . Those were the last words the three of us heard before we were separated . Seeing them made the memories of that horrid day flash back and I began to shake . I wasn 't ready to remember , not now , not for a million years , so I turned my attention to Baby B and prayed that she didn 't suffer . Her head wasn 't attached and her little body was covered in the same dirt I was . She used to have such beautiful skin , all soft and pink , and the blondest movie star hair I ever set my eyes on . Now , she had just a spit of it left , and there was no blonde , just dirt . I can only imagine that she cried her tears dry , because that was what she was good at , crying when something was wrong or in trouble . Baby B cried a lot as I recall , especially around Angel Face . Arly picked me up and gave me a hug , because I guess she understood how difficult it must have been for me to see them . I asked her how she found them , and she said that Found Friend , that 's what she calls her , had stuck her foot up out of the ground like she was waving at her . A tiny smile crossed my lips because I knew Baby B loved attention , and it seemed now , she had all she could get . Hours seemed to go by as I watched Arly gently clean her hair , her skin , and although her face and arms seemed to be scorched , I could see the face of my friend coming back to me . I honestly didn 't expect Baby B to survive , but after Arly was finished piecing her back together , she looked up at me with her rusted eyes and I knew she remembered me . Words are something I think she can hear , but she is so damaged , on the inside and out , that she wont speak or cry . She just looks , holds up that finger of hers like she used to when she just had to get the last word in , and smiles . Amazing , I think , that after all she has been through , she still smiles . Later that evening Baby B and I sat in silence looking out the window with rays of sunshine across us instead of dirt . It was a strange moment for the two of us . I wasn 't sure what memories she had , but I knew that for this one moment , we were safe . I also knew that she would have a hard time adjusting to her new " look " like I had , and secretly , I was grateful my friends face wasn 't blue like mine . When I knew Baby B was going to be alright , my attention turned to Ecky , and that was more than I could bare in one day . Next Post Yesterday was difficult , but when I woke up this morning , the birds were singing , the sun warmed my face through the window , and in this moment , I knew I was alright , and more importantly . . . . safe . Sometimes , when Arly spends time on the computer , she lets me sit in her lap and watch , which fascinates me . Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that life would change so much after all these years . When I was little , I watched the paper get delivered by Johnny Fletcher , on his bike no less , which was a long stretch from all this techno stuff . It 's kind of mesmerizing though , and at times I feel like I could get lost in it , this Facebook thingy that is . I still can 't figure why the faces don 't have books attached , or why there aren 't books with faces on them , just seems odd to me . One of the groups that kept popping up as she ' surfed the web ' , and yes , I kept looking for a surfboard to come floating by at any moment , was " To Write Love On Her Arms Day " , or TWLOHAD . At first , I kept trying to pronounce it as a word , ' twulohd ' , but Arly just laughed and explained to me what it really meant . She took me to their website , and no , I didn 't find spiders there either , but what I did find were pictures of people who had written the word ' Love ' on their arms , to show the people in their lives that they were loved and beautiful . I was a bit shocked . I guess I had felt that most people were mean , or evil , and I forgot to see past my own feelings and realize there are a lot of folks filled with love out there . Immediately I wanted my own love tattoo . Arly really thought I needed to sleep on that idea , but no , I insisted , and told her she could write it for me , all neat , or I could do it with all my fingers that were missing and it would be a mess , a lovely mess ! She caved , and after it was done , I spent the longest time looking at it and loving it . It made my scarred skin seem not so scarred I thought , and for a minute or two I imagined that having the word ' love ' written all over my body would be just fine . We spent aPosted by |
Happy New Year 's Eve ! ! ! ! Yeah ! Last day of 2009 ! I can 't wait until 2010 ! The year will rock ( if I have anything to say about it ! ) today 's post part II . We had surprise company come by so I had to end sooner than planned . Mom 's friend from her old work , Jose , stopped by . He has a thing for her , still , after all these years . He 's planning to come Tuesday and pick her up for a bit of time . Apparently , he has stopped by a lot but we weren 't home or we were sleeping . He comes a bit early for us , about 8 : 30 am . Yeah , like I am awake at that time . I let him know that the door doesn 't usually open until 11 : 30 ish , because I am still sleeping and don 't hear the door . I will be working on some crafts in January . I found a few kits that I have bought during the year that I haven 't done yet , so I am planning to start working on them as soon as the new year begins . I am not starting until then because tomorrow I am spending the day with my Katie . I am very excited about that and not sure what we are going to do outside of going to Red Robin 's for early dinner / late lunch . Friday we will go out to eat for our yearly celebration of the new year . We also have some new movies we will watch . Sunday , we are going to see " Alvin and the Chipmunks , the squeakuel . " I cannot wait for that . It looks so cute and I love the chipmunks . Kathy 's little girl , Sammy , likes to sing with the girl chipmunks when the commercial comes on . I would love to see that ! The chipmunks might be the girls first movie . I will find out when I talk to Kathy later this week . She will be 42 in about 12 days . So nice that she is older than me ! I won 't be 42 until April ! ! ! ! He he he ! Tonight is a quiet night here with a new Charlie Brown special ! I love Charlie Brown . The specials are usually quite good and cute with nice music . Frank is playing Linus and Lucy for competition , he is doing really well on it . Katie , Rachel , and Rebecca are also going to competition this year . I used to have about 10 to 15 kids go , but not right now ! I am happy that they want to go , of course , I would be happy if they didn 't . Competition is optional , if you want to go , do your best , if you don 't , that is fine too , Posted by Can 't believe tomorrow is New Year 's Eve . We aren 't doing much in the evening , but spending the day with Katie . We are planning to go to Red Robin for lunch / dinner . I love that place . Best burgers around . I think Mom likes it too . I don 't have any new year 's resolutions this year . Not sure why , just don 't . Maybe next year . I just wasn 't too into the whole Christmas / New Year 's mode this year . Maybe next year . Mom will probably be in a home by next Christmas . I will be looking into things like that during the next year . Any family member who wishes to see and speak to Mom , now would be good , well , between June . I hope to see many between now and then . I think New Year 's Day we will go out to dinner . It shall be fun . Mom likes to do that . I hope you are having a good day and ready for the new year ! Yesterday was a good day at my Uncle 's . My cousin , Nicole was there too with her two little ones . My uncle has a 2 1 / 2 year old named Jayson . he is adorable . Colby and Shay looked like they had a lot of fun playing with him . Kinda weird to think my uncle is a dad to a toddler again at age 61 . Definitely weird . His wife seemed real nice too . Andrew was there too . He seemed to like hanging out with Mom . Mom did well for the trip , she gets a little restless after dark , but I expect it . We left around 6 ish . The dinner was good , better than Christmas and Christmas Eve . Michelle is a real good cook . Mom ate most of it , I was impressed . Sometimes she doesn 't eat very well , but mostly she does good . She seemed to enjoy visiting with everyone . There wasn 't too many people there so she wasn 't nervous at all . I am glad that the holidays are mostly over , I am anxious for the new year to arrive . I think New Year 's day we will go see a movie and to dinner . I found the gift cards , I put them in my chest of drawers so Mom won 't hide them anymore from me . She hid them the day after Christmas and we could have used one when we went to Red Lobster 's with Kathy . But I am glad I found them that night . I plan to use one on New Year 's Day . After New Year 's I will start the process of looking into a home for mom , she won 't need it right now , but eventually she will . I will also start looking at where I am going to live . It would be great if Richard and his family moved back here , I would move in with them but I don 't think that is going to happen . Richard hates Michigan . I love it , but he doesn 't . Of course it does depend on where he gets a job . The kids got the Christmas presents . Hope they like the candy ! I made some for them too . Well , this is getting awfully long ! Pain is alright today . My head is its normal pain , my knee is a bit bad , but not too bad . I hope you are having a great day ! It 's over already ! Yup , Christmas ! Now on to the new year ! I am looking forward to 2010 . It should be a good year . Mom did well the last few days . We were at our cousin , Tillie 's house . We spent the night Christmas Eve and then went home Christmas Day . She didn 't sleep much because she kept getting cramps in her legs and she had to use the bathroom several times . She only cried a few times on Christmas because she was either too hot or too cold . Her body is difficult to regulate her temperature . But over all , for being in a strange place , she did really well . My younger brother was there too . He seemed happy to see her and she was happy to see him . It has been three years since he moved to London , Ontario . She has been having an easier time going to bed now that she has the new medicine . She takes it around 7 : 30 and then we go up around 9 pm . It has definitely helped her not be so upset at bedtime . No more bad nights right now ! I am really happy about that . Unfortunately , she still likes to get up early and I don 't . She was up at 8 : 30 this morning in my room . I don 't know what time she got up , but oh my , 8 : 30 is a little early for me . I like to get up after 10 am , preferably around 11 . She only came in a couple of times , but it can get annoying when she keeps coming in . But it is better than her going outside . I am glad she doesn 't want to go out right now because it is so cold out . Today was very windy too . Kathy is in town and we went to lunch and the bookstore . We had a lot of fun . Her kids are so cute and they liked the presents they got from Mom and I . She picked out some cute Lego sets for the boys and we ( we both saw them at the same time ) picked out cute dolls for the girls . Kathy got me a gift card for Barnes and Noble . I love reading ! We got two books at the bookstore . One for the book club and another just for fun reading . I got several books from the used bookstore for Christmas from Mom . I also got a new coat that we are sending back because it is supposed to be a winter parka ! Not ! It 's lining is likPosted by Mom is all set as far as medicaid is concerned . So am I . We went ridiculously early to social services this morning . The guy yesterday said they do interviews from 7 : 30 am to 11 am so I made sure we were there at 7 : 30 . We waited until 9 : 15 to see a worker . Yup , that is 9 : 15 am . They called the first person on the list ( we were # 3 ) at 9 : 00 am . If they aren 't going to start the interviews until after 9 , could he have not told me that ? It would have been nice . The lady was very nice and I guess she is now our caseworker . She did apply for food stamps for us but ( as I suspected ) together we get too much money to get approved . Individually , we don 't have enough , but as we live together we get too much . Yes , food stamps would have helped immensely , but we are doing alright , it isn 't like we are starving or going hungry , we are doing okay . My biggest worries are mom and her illness and my illnesses . Mom is sleeping in her chair next to me . When she wakes up she asks me random questions that don 't make any sense , I just answer and smile to myself . She was awake at 4 : 30 this morning . Yup , that 's what I said , 4 : 30 am . Not pleasant for me . I need a nap , but the roofers will be back shortly and then they will wake me up . Okay , they are back now . Mom somehow knocked over her water , she just noticed that . She does such silly things . Okay , some annoying things too . In some ways I am not looking forward to Friday . I haven 't put up the tree and have decided not too . It is in the family room which I have nicknamed the dungeon . It is difficult to get into and then to find the tree ? Forget it . I also then would have to decorate it in some burst at a time . Just not up to it this year . Mom really doesn 't care , so I am not going to do it . We aren 't going to be home for Christmas anyways so it isn 't like there will be presents under it . I am nervous on how mom is going to take staying at Tillie 's for the night . I am bringing the sedatives with me just in case along with the rest of the medicines we need to take . I also am not wrapping anyPosted by Yesterday I saw Anne ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We met up for about 2 1 / 2 hours . It so awesome to see her again . I miss her so much . I like having my girl once a week , not this every few months if I am lucky . But I do understand , slightly difficult to see her often when she lives in NYC . She likes it there a lot so I am glad about that . She spent 2 years in Japan teaching English before she moved to NYC . I made some candy for her for Christmas . I am making candy for Andrew and Tillie too . Tillie told me not to get her anything for Christmas so I am making her candy . I don 't listen very well to comments like that . I also bought her a book mark because I know she reads a lot . I can 't believe this week is Christmas . So hard to believe it is here already . I haven 't wrapped a thing for me or mom yet . Not sure I am going to as wrapping slightly confuses her . She will be confused enough with the holiday and us spending the night away from home . At least I will be there and she won 't be alone . We don 't need another Friday night . We are watching Frosty the Snowman . Mom loves this movie , so do I . I love the song so much . Frank played it for the Christmas Concert . He did a good job on it . Mom is sorta watching it , her eyes are closed as usual when TV is on . I called the doctor this morning and asked what to do about Mom when she is having a bad night . She will call me back with information . Mom has been alright for the last couple of nights . I am anticipating a kind of bad night tonight because the roofers are here and it is confusing her a bit . They are giving me a bit of a bad headache . Where is the hotel when you need one ? Okay , so I don 't have the money for a hotel , but it would be quieter and perhaps a bit fun for a change . Then again , Mom doesn 't do very well with change , so maybe the hotel would be a bad idea . She keeps answering the door when the roofers bang their tools like knocking on the door . It is difficult to know the difference . I have two lessons today and two tomorrow then none until Saturday when I have one and I also have onePosted by Last night was a nightmare . Not only for me but for mom . I called the Alzheimer 's society and they didn 't really have anything very helpful . Yeah , she kept wanting to go home . I told her she was home and she agreed but then wanted to go home again . It was like this for 3 hours . She was so confused and upset that it was horrible for both of us . So I called the society and they said to go along with the delusion . However , if I did that , she would have left the house looking for her house . So , a bad night all around . I called Tillie and asked her if she would ask at the home what they do about these things at night . She is going to look into it for me . I am grateful for support . Any one has suggestions , please let me know ! Other than that , things are alright here . It was book club today ! ! ! ! How fun . We all loved the book that Maggie picked , " the Christmas Sweater , " by Glenn Beck . It was such a good book . We are reading " The Other Boleyn Sister " for next month . I loved that book so much . The movie was good too . Katie is going to get it out of the library when she goes to work next and Aggie , I think , may have it . The other Katie is going to go and buy it , so is Maggie . I love book club . It is so much fun . I was glad both Katie and Katie were able to join us . Both of them had to work last time . I am ready for Christmas except for wrapping and the tree . I am going to put the tree up tomorrow and wrap the presents too . Mom and I are going to make candy tomorrow to for Christmas presents for Andrew and Tillie . Andrew decided after all to go Tillie 's for Christmas . We haven 't seen him in about 3 years since he moved to London , Ontario . It will be nice to see him again . We will be alone with him for about 3 hours Christmas Day while Tillie goes to see her husband in the home . I hope you are having a good Christmas season and enjoying all the joys it brings ! Merry Christmas ! I had sewing today ! Finally we are back only to take off 2 more weeks for the holidays . I don 't mind though because when we start again in the new year , all three girls will be starting new outfits . They are doing so well . They all have a skirt with a coordinating top to go with it . I am so proud of them . Their smaller sister , Sarah , will be starting a skirt with me . She is to young to use the machine but she can help me with other stuff like pinning and basting , easy things . She is excited to start . I finished the ornaments . Just in time for the concert . The concert was last night and it went well . Next on the schedule is the benefit concert and quickly followed by competition . They are two events in a row . I figure my students can perform their competition music at the benefit concert . I have some people already confirmed to perform , I am just waiting for some more . I hope you are having a good day ! You would think I was torturing Mom this afternoon by making her wash her hair . Every time we do this it is a trial . She is afraid of being cold , which I understand , but still , one needs her hair washed and she doesn 't do it in the shower so it is done in the back sink . I now have her wrapped in a blanket with a towel on her head . In about a 1 / 2 hour we will go up and blow dry our hair completely dry . It takes a few hours to get this done . Thank goodness I don 't have much to do these days . It is just one of those things that you deal with memory loss people . At least she didn 't cry and go on and on this time like she did last time . I turned the heat up to 78 ( it 's rather warm in here now ) so she wouldn 't freeze and we did it fast ! So now she is almost finished with the process . I have finished the ornaments for tonight . I just have to fold the programs , and we are all ready ! I can 't wait . I know I have too , but it just isn 't arriving so fast as I would like . I love the concerts , they are so much fun . I love watching the kids perform , they get so proud of themselves when they play or sing well , the smiles are unbeatable ! I ordered girl scout cookies today . I will be ordering some from Rachel and Rebecca too , Mom loves girl scout cookies and they freeze beautifully so I am ordering a few for her . At least she will eat a few at a time of those . The other cookies she will eat occasionally , so I don 't buy them any more . No point as they usually end up in my tummy and goodness knows I don 't need them ! I need to lose weight and lower my cholesterol not raise the stuff ! It 's a decent day , I started a new medicine today , celebrex , so I shall see how it goes . I hope it works , the arthritis is just as bad as the fibromyalgia . My head is sore today , I woke up with a bad headache again this morning but it is almost back to it 's regular one ! I hope you are enjoying your day ! I am almost finished reading the new Alzheimer 's book . it has been helpful in some ways and some ways terrifying . I am not ready for what is coming . I am not sure anyone could be ready . Mom moved the front door gate this morning . She didn 't go out , but nothing like having the front door open and the gate moved . I tightened it tonight so that maybe she won 't be able to move it . She has been a bit calmer this week . I think this will be her last real Christmas . We are going to Tillie 's for the holiday and I wanted to go to Richard 's for New Year 's , but that won 't happen . He wants us to come in the summer when the weather is better . I guess he is right , but I miss those kids ! A lot ! I will finish up my sewing tonight . I will have the program finished too so I will be ready for the concert tomorrow . We have 11 students performing , 2 are going to be absent due to school events and most students are doing 2 pieces each except my little one . She is only doing one song because she was absent for a few weeks and never finished learning the other Christmas song . I can 't believe how much she has grown . I have known her since they brought her home from Russia at 6 months old . Now she is 8 . I hope you are having a good day . I have one student this afternoon . I can 't wait . Charlie won 't be here today because he has a Christmas Concert for his mom 's nursery school . That would be adorable to see . He is going to play his tenor sax while the little ones sing Jingle Bells . I hope they tape it so I can see it . I have to finish my ornaments tonight . I can 't wait ! I love sewing although I haven 't been very ambitious lately for new projects . I have to send the presents to the kids early next week as soon as I finish their ornaments . After the new year I will be taking pictures of the violins and be putting them up on eBay . I don 't know how to do this yet , but I will learn . I also have 4 or 5 cellos that need to be painted and sold . I hope that I can sell of them for a decent price . I will post pictures as soon as I take them . I have about 25 or so violins and violas . 10 days until Christmas ! I am not that excited as I usually am about it . It is almost like , yeah , whatever . I haven 't pulled the tree out and decorated it yet . I also haven 't wrapped any presents . Mom doesn 't seem that interested right now either . I know that this is probably one of the last Christmases she will have with some sort of memory . I anticipate that next Christmas she will probably be completely out of it . She is sleeping next to me in her chair again . I am watching Cold Case , it 's a rerun but one I haven 't seen before . Not much happening today , I hope you are having a great day . Yesterday was a really busy day for us . I was very glad for that . We met Debbie after a lesson at Tim Horton 's and then we had Gracei 's play in the evening . I almost forgot about the play but fortunately I wrote it in my planner ! Thank God for planners . Without them I would be lost most days . Today is also a busier day with 3 more lessons to go . I love Mondays because they are so busy and I get to see the students . It brightens my day a lot . On the days where there is no lessons , life is dull and boring . Mom is sleeping next to me in her chair as usual . The gates are working really well and I am able to get some sleep . I feel like I am making up for months of no sleep because I am sleeping 10 to 12 hours with at least 5 hours straight through at a time . Yeah ! finally ! sleep ! I am almost done with the ornaments . I will be done by Thursday since that is when I need them . I have a few students paragraphs ready for the concert . I don 't have the order yet , I will do that later tonight after dinner . I think we are going to go and get dinner because I am too tired to cook or even heat up something . We will have enough money for it , so that is good . I am not taking any time off from teaching during the holidays , if the students want lessons , I will teach . it is entirely up to them . I know that Bob and Charlie are planning to have lessons during the holidays . I don 't know about anyone else . I will be letting my students know that I am teaching if they want lessons . Not much else going on . Just had a lovely time with Debbie and the play was alright . I will be seeing Debbie at bit more because she is going to sing in the benefit concert in February and wants some help to get ready . She is planning to come and see my students at the concert on Thursday . I hope next year I remember to sign up for the hall way earlier than I did so we can have a Sunday afternoon like we usually do . When I sign up for the spring concert I will sign up for Christmas at the same time . then it will be done . I hope you are having a good day too . Hayley came to pick up her packages this afternoon . We got about 2 hours with her so I was happy about that . I can always use more time but I will take what I can get . I also had one lesson before that . I worked on the ornaments too . I am also almost finish with them so I am really happy about that . I will be finished by Thursday which is the day of the concert . I will be working on the program tomorrow . I have one paragraph so far . I expect more before the concert , or at least I hope I will . Goodness knows my students don 't want me to write the paragraphs for them . I tend to gush completely crazily . So , they are going to want to write them themselves . Speaking of which , I need to face book Lily 's dad so I can get her paragraph . I forgot to get it this afternoon . Silly me ! There , I messaged him . She is so adorable and growing so fast . I can 't believe she is going to be 12 already . Time just flies away from me sometimes . We are watching Numb3rs . It is a great show . It is on late so we have to wait for the DVDs to come out . We just finished watching season 5 . Apparently , season 6 will be the end . I am sad about that because it is so fascinating . I am watching the special features and they are interesting . Mom is sleeping next to me in her chair again . Nothing new there . She does this all the time . I wish she wouldn 't sleep during the day and sleep at night but I guess I won 't be getting my wish anytime soon . I am reading an interesting book about memory loss and the issues that come up with it . I am about 1 / 2 through the book now . Mom wants to read it too . I don 't know what she is going to understand , I know she won 't remember what she read , but hey , if she wants to read it , she can . Pain is medium today , my head has been better through out the day , it started off bad and then improved . My hips are not so good because of the weather , which I expected . I also expect my knees to be bad . I will be visiting with Debbie tomorrow ! Yeah ! I haven 't seen her in a few years since she has been in college and going to India . I am Posted by I was supposed to go for sewing this afternoon , but unfortunately , they had to cancel because of scheduling issues . I was disappointed but I will see them next week . I have a bad headache today so it probably was for the best . I am not my best when my head feels like it will explode . It is just that I haven 't seen the girls for sewing in a month ! It is entirely too long of a time between ! I miss them too much . I am glad they are healthy again and no more flu . They had the swine flu ( at least we think so because it was such a bad flu ) and everyone , including the baby , got it . I need to get the vaccine for it but right now it is not available at the doctor 's office yet . I hope so soon or at least at a place where I don 't have to stand in line because standing is so hard for me . Other than the headache we are doing alright . Mom is okay today , she is a bit confused and was freezing this morning . I told her 3 times to put more clothes on but she just walks around and cries . It is very frustrating . It is like she doesn 't realize she has clothes to wear and she wakes up so early . Ridiculously early and expects me to get up too . Well I don 't . I go back to sleep . This morning she was hungry and wouldn 't go down for breakfast unless I went with her . So I went down made her cereal and went back to bed . I am have tried putting the bowl with cereal in it on the table at night for her but she won 't eat it . She is so afraid of bugs and germs and all that type crap . It is driving me nuts . Sometimes I just want to scream ! This morning was one of them . I hope you are having a better day than me ! I went to my friend Heather 's house today for a visit . It was such fun . I haven 't really seen her in years . Yes , I briefly saw her this summer , but that doesn 't count . We had about an hour to ourselves before her little boy came home and then about 1 / 2 hour later her daughter arrived . Both kids are so cute and nice and polite . She also has two dogs that are very friendly . They didn 't jump up on us at all . I like that in a dog . Mom came with me of course . She did okay until it started getting darker and she started freaking out over the wind . She flips out over wind so easy . She really is terrorized by the wind since she has been picked up from it and moved to another place . It was years ago but to her it was just yesterday . It is frustrating for me because we have wind a lot , so it 's like she is freaking out a lot . I have learned to keep our drapes shut in the dining room when she is in there because she constantly looks out and flips . I wasn 't ready to leave but she started being whiny and frightened so we left . She had both hands on her hat when we left , fortunately , we only live about 10 minutes from Heather 's house . She did get a bit confused this morning when I told her we were going to Heather 's until I started using the words my friend Heather . Then she wasn 't confused . She is freezing again , as usual . I am tired of trying to keep her warm , nothing works so she is on her own . She puts on her outside coat instead of other warm inside coats so I give up . Whatever , you want to freeze even more outside , go ahead . Whatever . I have to finish my sewing in a few minutes . I need to have them ready for tomorrow when Hannah , Sarah , and I stuff and finish them . Lydia and Natalie should be finishing up their tops tomorrow . I am excited about that . I don 't really like this bitter cold we have because I do ache tons more than usual . Well , I hope you had a good day , I sure did . Mom had her blood test and her x - rays this morning . I had to get up so early to take her . Ugh . I am not a morning person , I am not a night person either , I am a day person . Between the hours of 11 am and 9 pm I am alright , any earlier or later , forget it , I am sleepy . So her appointment was at 9 am which meant I had to get up at 8 am . She did pretty okay except she is difficult when she gets up because picking clothes is difficult for her . I usually pick her stuff , but she wakes me to ask what to wear . I have to get up ( usually super early around 6 ish ) to get them for her and then I go back to bed . I have tried to her to stay in her pajamas until I wake up . It isn 't as if she does anything except wander the house , but she just flips out . She has no concept of sleep for me anymore . It kinda really sucks . Big time ! I am trying to get used to the new schedule but it is hard . No sleep for me means crabby me which is not good for dealing with Mom . Also no sleep means tons more pain which is really bad . She is sleeping in her chair as usual . I wish she would be awake more during the day maybe she would sleep more in the night , but she is a morning person and always has been . We woke up to white stuff on the ground . I guess I am ready for winter . I have a new pair of sweats coming next week . ( Christmas present from mom ) I will now have 4 pairs . I love sweats , they are so warm . I do have nice clothes for when I need them , but I don 't most days . I am planning to sew the ornaments this afternoon after lunch . Mom will go with me to the other room while I sew my presents . I have everyone else 's finished . The only things left are the homemade ones ! It should be an okay type day . After sewing before Lily 's play I may need to take a nap . We shall see ! Have a great day ! I have finished my Christmas shopping ! yeah ! I am finally done . Usually I am done by November because December lessons were always iffy and bills needed to be paid so I got in the habit of shopping all year round . However , after the store , things were a little dicey . I did get Mom some really cute socks ( I hope she wears them ) and a new throw blanket for the dining room chair she sits in . I got her 2 new movies and 1 movie for me ( Harry Potter of course ! ) and the Susan Boyle CD . She has such a beautiful voice . She made the world stand up and take notice of her . I wish I could do the same . Maybe sometime in the future . I have 2 lessons today . Zach is starting again and he called to tell me he is on his way . Then Charlie will have his after . So all in all , a good day . Mom did well while we went from store to store . We hit Tim Horton 's first ( Mom was hungry ) , then Walmarts , Joann 's , Border 's , and then the Post Office . I was disappointed in the selection of planners . I guess I need to get them in the fall . I did buy one a few weeks ago but I thought maybe there would be some cuter ones . I was wrong , so I will keep the one I have . Mom and I can share it . She doesn 't really need a planner since I keep track of everything for her . I did buy her a cute calendar for the kitchen . She saw it in Joann 's and asked if she could get it . Of course I said yes . She asks for very little . I am the big shopper of the family . ( well , not like I used to be . Disability only goes so far and bills do need to be paid . Teaching helps pay the bills ) I ordered the rest of my present on Saturday so that should be here next week so we are finished with the ordering and buying of presents . Now I just need to finish sewing the ornaments . I will do them tomorrow afternoon after Mom 's doctor appointment . I am in a bit more pain because of shopping , but not doing too badly from it . I am glad I am done and home because the weather is about to turn bad . I hope this finds you doing really well and having a good day too ! 6 lessons this afternoon ! I was really really happy about that . We are all getting ready for the Christmas Concert next week . I am going to do what I used to do for the concerts , I have the kids write up small bios about themselves and put it in the bulletin . It is fun to do . I have a really cool CD ROM that has a lot of Christmas pictures . It is quite cool . I love the disc a lot . I just have to find it . My upper back is a bit sore today , might be from the long drive yesterday or not . I slept pretty okay knowing Mom was blocked from different places in the house . She didn 't try to move either of the gates we have up so I was really happy this morning about it . She also didn 't move the chair I forgot to push in it at the table so she couldn 't go into the kitchen either . She stayed mostly upstairs , where I want her to be . Harry Potter # 6 movie comes out tomorrow ! I am getting ( I think I can wait ! ) it for Christmas from Mom . I am not sure if I can hold out until after Christmas . I do know I am getting three more things from Santa for Christmas so I shall try to hold out on Harry Potter . I will be working on the ornaments tomorrow so I can have them stuffed and the bells put on them on Friday . I need to sew most of the bells before Friday because Lydia needs my machine to finish her top on Friday and it would be most unfair to use the machine on Friday instead of her . Sewing days are all about the girls after all . I plan to finish my sewing part by Wednesday latest . I need to be ready for stuffing them by Friday . I think Hannah and Sarah will be helping me . Sarah can stuff them and Hannah and I can put the bells on them and finish the seam . Then all I will have left will be to paint the names of the students on them . I am pretty tired tonight . I think we will be going to bed a bit earlier than usual . Mom is tired too and a bit cranky tonight . She is driving me nuts . She constantly thinks other people are in the house when there isn 't anybody here but us . Then she cries , a lot . I am running out of patience this evening . IPosted by I picked up 3 baby ( we call them safety ) gates from Kathy today . Yup , I drove all the way to Kalamazoo to see her and her family and pick the gates up . It was great . Nice easy drive on the way ( 2 1 / 2 hours each way ) , Mom slept most of the way down , Josh Groban CD in the radio and not much traffic . We stayed a few hours , played with the girls watched Matthew play Wii and talked to Kathy ! I really enjoyed the visit . Mom did well both there and back so day trips are on ! She didn 't want to eat in the car and I didn 't push it . If she isn 't hungry , I won 't make her eat . I told her how long it would be before we got home , the McDonald 's was in a bag next to her so it was up to her . I didn 't think she would eat in the car but I was a bit hungry by that point so we stopped and went to the drive thru . It worked out well . I think we will be able to do it again . I put up the gates in the front door and in front of the downstairs so she won 't go down in the morning . It is very tiring , but fun so it is worth it . Tomorrow will be nice and busy . Tuesday will be sort of busy , but the rest of the week won 't be so much . I do have some sewing to finish up . The concert is in about 11 days so I have to finish the ornaments ! I have to make sure that I do them when the kids won 't be here so they won 't see them ahead of time . The Muglia girls are helping me make them . It has been 3 weeks since I have seen them because of the flu in their house . I get them 2 times this week ! They aren 't getting the ornaments for Christmas since they are helping me make them , that would be cheesy , but I have something for them that they will like . I am almost done with Christmas shopping , I thought I was done but I have a few small things left . I plan to get them this week before my money runs out . I have to remember to pay my health insurance tomorrow before it gets cancelled . It is due on the 20th , but I have 30 days to catch up on the previous month before it is cancelled . I don 't want to cancel it even though it is expensive , I don 't think medicaid will Posted by Not much happening today , just the usual lesson . It is Aggie 's opposite week so she isn 't having a lesson today , just Lily who was in a really good mood . She usually is a happy girl , but today was just happier than normal . It was a very fun lesson . Mom was teasing her too . She does so well with Mom . I am going to get a gate for the front door so Mom can 't get out . Kathy has a couple ( at least one for sure , maybe two ) . She thinks she has a longer than a door one that I can put at the top of the stairs at night so Mom won 't go down without me . I explained it to her and she seemed to understand for now anyways , she will forget soon but I will remind her again . That 's what I am here for . She is a happy girl today too . Lily always brightens her up , most of my students do . We are going to see Lily in her play Wednesday night . There is a concert earlier before the play apparently so we will go a bit early to see the little kids . Mom will like that . I have to really decide what I want to do with my life . Right now , I am just existing and getting by . I don 't like that feeling so I have to find new dreams . I think when I lost the store , I lost my dreams . So now I need new dreams . Just existing to take care of Mom is not good . I know she doesn 't have any goals anymore , except to help me with mine . I thought a lot last night about it . I want to do what I originally planned before we lost the store . Open a music school . Right now wouldn 't be good , but that doesn 't mean I can 't work on the details of it . I don 't want a store again . I am not into the whole renting and selling of instruments , but I loved the teaching part of it . That is what I lived for and the reason I got up in the morning . I live for the moments I get to teach . I am going to continue what I am doing right now , teach a few lessons , hopefully as the economy gets better I will get some more students and then open a school once things have improved . There wouldn 't be any point to it right now because lessons are so down because , I mean , really , a choice between lesPosted by Saw old dogs ( the movie ) this afternoon . Oh my gosh ! It was soooooo funny ! Mom and I laughed our butts off ! I know critics hated it and gave it like about 1 / 2 star but I loved it . We need to definitely get this one when it comes out on DVD . Speaking of DVDs , Harry Potter # 6 comes out Tuesday ! I can 't wait . It is going to be a Christmas present from Mom to me so we can 't watch it until after Christmas , not that I mind , I did see it 3 times in the movie theatre so a few more weeks won 't kill me . The chipmunks new movie comes out soon too , I want to see that . Mom is doing pretty okay today . I ordered a new book about the mid stages of Alzheimer 's yesterday that should help me with where she is at . I also found out that my friend Kathleen took care of her grandmother and she has the same thing ! So that is two people I can ask questions if I have any . She loved the movie so I was very happy and excited about that . I thought that she would . She still understands quite a bit so she is easy to entertain with movies ( going out to them , otherwise she falls asleep in the chair in the dining room ) I am working on a regular schedule for us so she won 't get as confused as she can get . She was a bit confused as usual this morning and opened the front door , but didn 't go out . She likes to check the weather in the morning by sticking her hand out the door , I hate it because I am afraid she will go out , but she does this every morning like clockwork , so what can I do ? Pain is medium today , my back is better than last week when my flare decided to go to my lower back and hips so that I couldn 't even stand up straight . From behind I must have looked pretty funny since I was so bent over . Fortunately , it is almost over , the pain is in the middle of the lower back but I can stand straight up and walk normal , well , normal for me . It snowed apparently last night and this morning . I missed it ! yeah ! No snow for Heather ! I like snow on Christmas Eve and Day and that is about it . Snow makes Mom very nervous which makes me nervous and driving Posted by Mom was very frustrated this morning about her confusion . She wanted to know why and I said it was a part of her memory loss issue . She wanted to know more . It is the first time she actually asked about it . She wanted me to prepare her for what is coming and what she has . I was surprised because usually I can get around those type of questions because she doesn 't ask point blank like she did today . So I told her about her Alzheimer 's and what stage she is in and where she is heading . She took it very well . I mean , a few tears , but not many especially as I was crying through most of it . She asked me to print off the paper with the stages and make her a book to keep track of things . I usually keep track of her medicines and stuff in my head , but she wants to help by keeping it in a book . So I will make her a book . She wants to help with that too . She wants to be involved I think . I am not sure . I am not sure what she can do because she can 't do a whole lot anymore . I told her that by the time she gets to stage 7 she would have no memory left . She is in stage 5 now . I hope to keep her here for a while . I know she is going down and getting worse , but right now she can still enjoy things and have a good laugh at stuff . That is what is important , that she enjoy things and have a good laugh now and again . She knows that I will keep her with me as long as I possibly can and that I will still see her daily even when I am not with her all the time . It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life . I had my monthly ( sometimes bi - monthly ) blood test this morning . Ugh , she had to dig a bit to get it started . I can clear a room of nurses just by signing in . Such a useful talent - he he he . At least it was only one poke this time . I wasn 't up for more , that is for sure . We should be getting our new roof soon , since I just paid the down payment on the bill . Roofs are very expensive , at about $ 7100 for ours . I was not happy that we needed another one already . We got a new one in the early to mid 90 's that apparently didn 't have good work on it . This one should last us until Mom is in a home which I had hoped would hold out until then ( the roof I mean ) . It is supposed to rain then possibly snow tonight . Since it is December , I am not minding the snow , come January and 80 degree weather can come back . Yes , I know , I live in MICHIGAN and that doesn 't happen . I am a dreamer what can I say ? ? I have a few Christmas presents left to make and then I have a couple of gift certificates to purchase and then I am done ! ! ! Yup , done ! ! ! I got Mom 2 DVD 's and 1 season of Walker so she is set . they are sitting in the Christmas box but she doesn 't know that they are for her . I am getting Army wives ( yes , I picked it out . Can you imagine a woman with dementia Christmas shopping ? I don 't think so ! ) and we are going to the used bookstore this week to pick out a few things for me and then she is done with me . I am getting Tillie a bookmark and making her an ornament . I know she said NOT to get her anything , but oh well , too late . Already made the plans . She will have to deal . Besides , she reads an awful lot and could use a good bookmark and everyone can always use more ornaments , especially the hand made type . Mom is falling asleep next to me in her chair at the table . We sit at the table a lot because the chair is comfortable for me and doesn 't cause any extra pain and also because the TV is on the kitchen counter and not in the living room . With 2 pianos ( for teaching ) , there is no room for the TV in there . Also , we have cable and thPosted by I thought I would have 2 students today , but my old student who is coming back won 't be here until next week . Oh well , I am disappointment but I will see him next week . At least I have a lesson today , unlike last week where I didn 't for many days in a row . I am working on Christmas presents today . I am making ornaments for family and students . It is a lot of fun . Mom hasn 't gone outside without me now for a week . I put a new sign on the front door to let her know I am upstairs . It has worked so far . She still wakes me up a lot , but she is at least in the house . It is cold out now . Winter has definitely arrived . I got Mom 's heavier coat out so maybe she won 't freeze so easily . Next will be the parka but it isn 't cold enough for that yet . Starting January I am sure I will be throwing it on her . Not much else happening today . Just more sewing ! I hope you have a great day ! I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
Happy New Year 's Eve ! ! ! ! Yeah ! Last day of 2009 ! I can 't wait until 2010 ! The year will rock ( if I have anything to say about it ! ) today 's post part II . We had surprise company come by so I had to end sooner than planned . Mom 's friend from her old work , Jose , stopped by . He has a thing for her , still , after all these years . He 's planning to come Tuesday and pick her up for a bit of time . Apparently , he has stopped by a lot but we weren 't home or we were sleeping . He comes a bit early for us , about 8 : 30 am . Yeah , like I am awake at that time . I let him know that the door doesn 't usually open until 11 : 30 ish , because I am still sleeping and don 't hear the door . I will be working on some crafts in January . I found a few kits that I have bought during the year that I haven 't done yet , so I am planning to start working on them as soon as the new year begins . I am not starting until then because tomorrow I am spending the day with my Katie . I am very excited about that and not sure what we are going to do outside of going to Red Robin 's for early dinner / late lunch . Friday we will go out to eat for our yearly celebration of the new year . We also have some new movies we will watch . Sunday , we are going to see " Alvin and the Chipmunks , the squeakuel . " I cannot wait for that . It looks so cute and I love the chipmunks . Kathy 's little girl , Sammy , likes to sing with the girl chipmunks when the commercial comes on . I would love to see that ! The chipmunks might be the girls first movie . I will find out when I talk to Kathy later this week . She will be 42 in about 12 days . So nice that she is older than me ! I won 't be 42 until April ! ! ! ! He he he ! Tonight is a quiet night here with a new Charlie Brown special ! I love Charlie Brown . The specials are usually quite good and cute with nice music . Frank is playing Linus and Lucy for competition , he is doing really well on it . Katie , Rachel , and Rebecca are also going to competition this year . I used to have about 10 to 15 kids go , but not right now ! I am happy that they want to go , of course , I would be happy if they didn 't . Competition is optional , if you want to go , do your best , if you don 't , that is fine too , Posted by Can 't believe tomorrow is New Year 's Eve . We aren 't doing much in the evening , but spending the day with Katie . We are planning to go to Red Robin for lunch / dinner . I love that place . Best burgers around . I think Mom likes it too . I don 't have any new year 's resolutions this year . Not sure why , just don 't . Maybe next year . I just wasn 't too into the whole Christmas / New Year 's mode this year . Maybe next year . Mom will probably be in a home by next Christmas . I will be looking into things like that during the next year . Any family member who wishes to see and speak to Mom , now would be good , well , between June . I hope to see many between now and then . I think New Year 's Day we will go out to dinner . It shall be fun . Mom likes to do that . I hope you are having a good day and ready for the new year ! Yesterday was a good day at my Uncle 's . My cousin , Nicole was there too with her two little ones . My uncle has a 2 1 / 2 year old named Jayson . he is adorable . Colby and Shay looked like they had a lot of fun playing with him . Kinda weird to think my uncle is a dad to a toddler again at age 61 . Definitely weird . His wife seemed real nice too . Andrew was there too . He seemed to like hanging out with Mom . Mom did well for the trip , she gets a little restless after dark , but I expect it . We left around 6 ish . The dinner was good , better than Christmas and Christmas Eve . Michelle is a real good cook . Mom ate most of it , I was impressed . Sometimes she doesn 't eat very well , but mostly she does good . She seemed to enjoy visiting with everyone . There wasn 't too many people there so she wasn 't nervous at all . I am glad that the holidays are mostly over , I am anxious for the new year to arrive . I think New Year 's day we will go see a movie and to dinner . I found the gift cards , I put them in my chest of drawers so Mom won 't hide them anymore from me . She hid them the day after Christmas and we could have used one when we went to Red Lobster 's with Kathy . But I am glad I found them that night . I plan to use one on New Year 's Day . After New Year 's I will start the process of looking into a home for mom , she won 't need it right now , but eventually she will . I will also start looking at where I am going to live . It would be great if Richard and his family moved back here , I would move in with them but I don 't think that is going to happen . Richard hates Michigan . I love it , but he doesn 't . Of course it does depend on where he gets a job . The kids got the Christmas presents . Hope they like the candy ! I made some for them too . Well , this is getting awfully long ! Pain is alright today . My head is its normal pain , my knee is a bit bad , but not too bad . I hope you are having a great day ! It 's over already ! Yup , Christmas ! Now on to the new year ! I am looking forward to 2010 . It should be a good year . Mom did well the last few days . We were at our cousin , Tillie 's house . We spent the night Christmas Eve and then went home Christmas Day . She didn 't sleep much because she kept getting cramps in her legs and she had to use the bathroom several times . She only cried a few times on Christmas because she was either too hot or too cold . Her body is difficult to regulate her temperature . But over all , for being in a strange place , she did really well . My younger brother was there too . He seemed happy to see her and she was happy to see him . It has been three years since he moved to London , Ontario . She has been having an easier time going to bed now that she has the new medicine . She takes it around 7 : 30 and then we go up around 9 pm . It has definitely helped her not be so upset at bedtime . No more bad nights right now ! I am really happy about that . Unfortunately , she still likes to get up early and I don 't . She was up at 8 : 30 this morning in my room . I don 't know what time she got up , but oh my , 8 : 30 is a little early for me . I like to get up after 10 am , preferably around 11 . She only came in a couple of times , but it can get annoying when she keeps coming in . But it is better than her going outside . I am glad she doesn 't want to go out right now because it is so cold out . Today was very windy too . Kathy is in town and we went to lunch and the bookstore . We had a lot of fun . Her kids are so cute and they liked the presents they got from Mom and I . She picked out some cute Lego sets for the boys and we ( we both saw them at the same time ) picked out cute dolls for the girls . Kathy got me a gift card for Barnes and Noble . I love reading ! We got two books at the bookstore . One for the book club and another just for fun reading . I got several books from the used bookstore for Christmas from Mom . I also got a new coat that we are sending back because it is supposed to be a winter parka ! Not ! It 's lining is likPosted by Mom is all set as far as medicaid is concerned . So am I . We went ridiculously early to social services this morning . The guy yesterday said they do interviews from 7 : 30 am to 11 am so I made sure we were there at 7 : 30 . We waited until 9 : 15 to see a worker . Yup , that is 9 : 15 am . They called the first person on the list ( we were # 3 ) at 9 : 00 am . If they aren 't going to start the interviews until after 9 , could he have not told me that ? It would have been nice . The lady was very nice and I guess she is now our caseworker . She did apply for food stamps for us but ( as I suspected ) together we get too much money to get approved . Individually , we don 't have enough , but as we live together we get too much . Yes , food stamps would have helped immensely , but we are doing alright , it isn 't like we are starving or going hungry , we are doing okay . My biggest worries are mom and her illness and my illnesses . Mom is sleeping in her chair next to me . When she wakes up she asks me random questions that don 't make any sense , I just answer and smile to myself . She was awake at 4 : 30 this morning . Yup , that 's what I said , 4 : 30 am . Not pleasant for me . I need a nap , but the roofers will be back shortly and then they will wake me up . Okay , they are back now . Mom somehow knocked over her water , she just noticed that . She does such silly things . Okay , some annoying things too . In some ways I am not looking forward to Friday . I haven 't put up the tree and have decided not too . It is in the family room which I have nicknamed the dungeon . It is difficult to get into and then to find the tree ? Forget it . I also then would have to decorate it in some burst at a time . Just not up to it this year . Mom really doesn 't care , so I am not going to do it . We aren 't going to be home for Christmas anyways so it isn 't like there will be presents under it . I am nervous on how mom is going to take staying at Tillie 's for the night . I am bringing the sedatives with me just in case along with the rest of the medicines we need to take . I also am not wrapping anyPosted by Yesterday I saw Anne ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We met up for about 2 1 / 2 hours . It so awesome to see her again . I miss her so much . I like having my girl once a week , not this every few months if I am lucky . But I do understand , slightly difficult to see her often when she lives in NYC . She likes it there a lot so I am glad about that . She spent 2 years in Japan teaching English before she moved to NYC . I made some candy for her for Christmas . I am making candy for Andrew and Tillie too . Tillie told me not to get her anything for Christmas so I am making her candy . I don 't listen very well to comments like that . I also bought her a book mark because I know she reads a lot . I can 't believe this week is Christmas . So hard to believe it is here already . I haven 't wrapped a thing for me or mom yet . Not sure I am going to as wrapping slightly confuses her . She will be confused enough with the holiday and us spending the night away from home . At least I will be there and she won 't be alone . We don 't need another Friday night . We are watching Frosty the Snowman . Mom loves this movie , so do I . I love the song so much . Frank played it for the Christmas Concert . He did a good job on it . Mom is sorta watching it , her eyes are closed as usual when TV is on . I called the doctor this morning and asked what to do about Mom when she is having a bad night . She will call me back with information . Mom has been alright for the last couple of nights . I am anticipating a kind of bad night tonight because the roofers are here and it is confusing her a bit . They are giving me a bit of a bad headache . Where is the hotel when you need one ? Okay , so I don 't have the money for a hotel , but it would be quieter and perhaps a bit fun for a change . Then again , Mom doesn 't do very well with change , so maybe the hotel would be a bad idea . She keeps answering the door when the roofers bang their tools like knocking on the door . It is difficult to know the difference . I have two lessons today and two tomorrow then none until Saturday when I have one and I also have onePosted by Last night was a nightmare . Not only for me but for mom . I called the Alzheimer 's society and they didn 't really have anything very helpful . Yeah , she kept wanting to go home . I told her she was home and she agreed but then wanted to go home again . It was like this for 3 hours . She was so confused and upset that it was horrible for both of us . So I called the society and they said to go along with the delusion . However , if I did that , she would have left the house looking for her house . So , a bad night all around . I called Tillie and asked her if she would ask at the home what they do about these things at night . She is going to look into it for me . I am grateful for support . Any one has suggestions , please let me know ! Other than that , things are alright here . It was book club today ! ! ! ! How fun . We all loved the book that Maggie picked , " the Christmas Sweater , " by Glenn Beck . It was such a good book . We are reading " The Other Boleyn Sister " for next month . I loved that book so much . The movie was good too . Katie is going to get it out of the library when she goes to work next and Aggie , I think , may have it . The other Katie is going to go and buy it , so is Maggie . I love book club . It is so much fun . I was glad both Katie and Katie were able to join us . Both of them had to work last time . I am ready for Christmas except for wrapping and the tree . I am going to put the tree up tomorrow and wrap the presents too . Mom and I are going to make candy tomorrow to for Christmas presents for Andrew and Tillie . Andrew decided after all to go Tillie 's for Christmas . We haven 't seen him in about 3 years since he moved to London , Ontario . It will be nice to see him again . We will be alone with him for about 3 hours Christmas Day while Tillie goes to see her husband in the home . I hope you are having a good Christmas season and enjoying all the joys it brings ! Merry Christmas ! I had sewing today ! Finally we are back only to take off 2 more weeks for the holidays . I don 't mind though because when we start again in the new year , all three girls will be starting new outfits . They are doing so well . They all have a skirt with a coordinating top to go with it . I am so proud of them . Their smaller sister , Sarah , will be starting a skirt with me . She is to young to use the machine but she can help me with other stuff like pinning and basting , easy things . She is excited to start . I finished the ornaments . Just in time for the concert . The concert was last night and it went well . Next on the schedule is the benefit concert and quickly followed by competition . They are two events in a row . I figure my students can perform their competition music at the benefit concert . I have some people already confirmed to perform , I am just waiting for some more . I hope you are having a good day ! You would think I was torturing Mom this afternoon by making her wash her hair . Every time we do this it is a trial . She is afraid of being cold , which I understand , but still , one needs her hair washed and she doesn 't do it in the shower so it is done in the back sink . I now have her wrapped in a blanket with a towel on her head . In about a 1 / 2 hour we will go up and blow dry our hair completely dry . It takes a few hours to get this done . Thank goodness I don 't have much to do these days . It is just one of those things that you deal with memory loss people . At least she didn 't cry and go on and on this time like she did last time . I turned the heat up to 78 ( it 's rather warm in here now ) so she wouldn 't freeze and we did it fast ! So now she is almost finished with the process . I have finished the ornaments for tonight . I just have to fold the programs , and we are all ready ! I can 't wait . I know I have too , but it just isn 't arriving so fast as I would like . I love the concerts , they are so much fun . I love watching the kids perform , they get so proud of themselves when they play or sing well , the smiles are unbeatable ! I ordered girl scout cookies today . I will be ordering some from Rachel and Rebecca too , Mom loves girl scout cookies and they freeze beautifully so I am ordering a few for her . At least she will eat a few at a time of those . The other cookies she will eat occasionally , so I don 't buy them any more . No point as they usually end up in my tummy and goodness knows I don 't need them ! I need to lose weight and lower my cholesterol not raise the stuff ! It 's a decent day , I started a new medicine today , celebrex , so I shall see how it goes . I hope it works , the arthritis is just as bad as the fibromyalgia . My head is sore today , I woke up with a bad headache again this morning but it is almost back to it 's regular one ! I hope you are enjoying your day ! I am almost finished reading the new Alzheimer 's book . it has been helpful in some ways and some ways terrifying . I am not ready for what is coming . I am not sure anyone could be ready . Mom moved the front door gate this morning . She didn 't go out , but nothing like having the front door open and the gate moved . I tightened it tonight so that maybe she won 't be able to move it . She has been a bit calmer this week . I think this will be her last real Christmas . We are going to Tillie 's for the holiday and I wanted to go to Richard 's for New Year 's , but that won 't happen . He wants us to come in the summer when the weather is better . I guess he is right , but I miss those kids ! A lot ! I will finish up my sewing tonight . I will have the program finished too so I will be ready for the concert tomorrow . We have 11 students performing , 2 are going to be absent due to school events and most students are doing 2 pieces each except my little one . She is only doing one song because she was absent for a few weeks and never finished learning the other Christmas song . I can 't believe how much she has grown . I have known her since they brought her home from Russia at 6 months old . Now she is 8 . I hope you are having a good day . I have one student this afternoon . I can 't wait . Charlie won 't be here today because he has a Christmas Concert for his mom 's nursery school . That would be adorable to see . He is going to play his tenor sax while the little ones sing Jingle Bells . I hope they tape it so I can see it . I have to finish my ornaments tonight . I can 't wait ! I love sewing although I haven 't been very ambitious lately for new projects . I have to send the presents to the kids early next week as soon as I finish their ornaments . After the new year I will be taking pictures of the violins and be putting them up on eBay . I don 't know how to do this yet , but I will learn . I also have 4 or 5 cellos that need to be painted and sold . I hope that I can sell of them for a decent price . I will post pictures as soon as I take them . I have about 25 or so violins and violas . 10 days until Christmas ! I am not that excited as I usually am about it . It is almost like , yeah , whatever . I haven 't pulled the tree out and decorated it yet . I also haven 't wrapped any presents . Mom doesn 't seem that interested right now either . I know that this is probably one of the last Christmases she will have with some sort of memory . I anticipate that next Christmas she will probably be completely out of it . She is sleeping next to me in her chair again . I am watching Cold Case , it 's a rerun but one I haven 't seen before . Not much happening today , I hope you are having a great day . Yesterday was a really busy day for us . I was very glad for that . We met Debbie after a lesson at Tim Horton 's and then we had Gracei 's play in the evening . I almost forgot about the play but fortunately I wrote it in my planner ! Thank God for planners . Without them I would be lost most days . Today is also a busier day with 3 more lessons to go . I love Mondays because they are so busy and I get to see the students . It brightens my day a lot . On the days where there is no lessons , life is dull and boring . Mom is sleeping next to me in her chair as usual . The gates are working really well and I am able to get some sleep . I feel like I am making up for months of no sleep because I am sleeping 10 to 12 hours with at least 5 hours straight through at a time . Yeah ! finally ! sleep ! I am almost done with the ornaments . I will be done by Thursday since that is when I need them . I have a few students paragraphs ready for the concert . I don 't have the order yet , I will do that later tonight after dinner . I think we are going to go and get dinner because I am too tired to cook or even heat up something . We will have enough money for it , so that is good . I am not taking any time off from teaching during the holidays , if the students want lessons , I will teach . it is entirely up to them . I know that Bob and Charlie are planning to have lessons during the holidays . I don 't know about anyone else . I will be letting my students know that I am teaching if they want lessons . Not much else going on . Just had a lovely time with Debbie and the play was alright . I will be seeing Debbie at bit more because she is going to sing in the benefit concert in February and wants some help to get ready . She is planning to come and see my students at the concert on Thursday . I hope next year I remember to sign up for the hall way earlier than I did so we can have a Sunday afternoon like we usually do . When I sign up for the spring concert I will sign up for Christmas at the same time . then it will be done . I hope you are having a good day too . Hayley came to pick up her packages this afternoon . We got about 2 hours with her so I was happy about that . I can always use more time but I will take what I can get . I also had one lesson before that . I worked on the ornaments too . I am also almost finish with them so I am really happy about that . I will be finished by Thursday which is the day of the concert . I will be working on the program tomorrow . I have one paragraph so far . I expect more before the concert , or at least I hope I will . Goodness knows my students don 't want me to write the paragraphs for them . I tend to gush completely crazily . So , they are going to want to write them themselves . Speaking of which , I need to face book Lily 's dad so I can get her paragraph . I forgot to get it this afternoon . Silly me ! There , I messaged him . She is so adorable and growing so fast . I can 't believe she is going to be 12 already . Time just flies away from me sometimes . We are watching Numb3rs . It is a great show . It is on late so we have to wait for the DVDs to come out . We just finished watching season 5 . Apparently , season 6 will be the end . I am sad about that because it is so fascinating . I am watching the special features and they are interesting . Mom is sleeping next to me in her chair again . Nothing new there . She does this all the time . I wish she wouldn 't sleep during the day and sleep at night but I guess I won 't be getting my wish anytime soon . I am reading an interesting book about memory loss and the issues that come up with it . I am about 1 / 2 through the book now . Mom wants to read it too . I don 't know what she is going to understand , I know she won 't remember what she read , but hey , if she wants to read it , she can . Pain is medium today , my head has been better through out the day , it started off bad and then improved . My hips are not so good because of the weather , which I expected . I also expect my knees to be bad . I will be visiting with Debbie tomorrow ! Yeah ! I haven 't seen her in a few years since she has been in college and going to India . I am Posted by I was supposed to go for sewing this afternoon , but unfortunately , they had to cancel because of scheduling issues . I was disappointed but I will see them next week . I have a bad headache today so it probably was for the best . I am not my best when my head feels like it will explode . It is just that I haven 't seen the girls for sewing in a month ! It is entirely too long of a time between ! I miss them too much . I am glad they are healthy again and no more flu . They had the swine flu ( at least we think so because it was such a bad flu ) and everyone , including the baby , got it . I need to get the vaccine for it but right now it is not available at the doctor 's office yet . I hope so soon or at least at a place where I don 't have to stand in line because standing is so hard for me . Other than the headache we are doing alright . Mom is okay today , she is a bit confused and was freezing this morning . I told her 3 times to put more clothes on but she just walks around and cries . It is very frustrating . It is like she doesn 't realize she has clothes to wear and she wakes up so early . Ridiculously early and expects me to get up too . Well I don 't . I go back to sleep . This morning she was hungry and wouldn 't go down for breakfast unless I went with her . So I went down made her cereal and went back to bed . I am have tried putting the bowl with cereal in it on the table at night for her but she won 't eat it . She is so afraid of bugs and germs and all that type crap . It is driving me nuts . Sometimes I just want to scream ! This morning was one of them . I hope you are having a better day than me ! I went to my friend Heather 's house today for a visit . It was such fun . I haven 't really seen her in years . Yes , I briefly saw her this summer , but that doesn 't count . We had about an hour to ourselves before her little boy came home and then about 1 / 2 hour later her daughter arrived . Both kids are so cute and nice and polite . She also has two dogs that are very friendly . They didn 't jump up on us at all . I like that in a dog . Mom came with me of course . She did okay until it started getting darker and she started freaking out over the wind . She flips out over wind so easy . She really is terrorized by the wind since she has been picked up from it and moved to another place . It was years ago but to her it was just yesterday . It is frustrating for me because we have wind a lot , so it 's like she is freaking out a lot . I have learned to keep our drapes shut in the dining room when she is in there because she constantly looks out and flips . I wasn 't ready to leave but she started being whiny and frightened so we left . She had both hands on her hat when we left , fortunately , we only live about 10 minutes from Heather 's house . She did get a bit confused this morning when I told her we were going to Heather 's until I started using the words my friend Heather . Then she wasn 't confused . She is freezing again , as usual . I am tired of trying to keep her warm , nothing works so she is on her own . She puts on her outside coat instead of other warm inside coats so I give up . Whatever , you want to freeze even more outside , go ahead . Whatever . I have to finish my sewing in a few minutes . I need to have them ready for tomorrow when Hannah , Sarah , and I stuff and finish them . Lydia and Natalie should be finishing up their tops tomorrow . I am excited about that . I don 't really like this bitter cold we have because I do ache tons more than usual . Well , I hope you had a good day , I sure did . Mom had her blood test and her x - rays this morning . I had to get up so early to take her . Ugh . I am not a morning person , I am not a night person either , I am a day person . Between the hours of 11 am and 9 pm I am alright , any earlier or later , forget it , I am sleepy . So her appointment was at 9 am which meant I had to get up at 8 am . She did pretty okay except she is difficult when she gets up because picking clothes is difficult for her . I usually pick her stuff , but she wakes me to ask what to wear . I have to get up ( usually super early around 6 ish ) to get them for her and then I go back to bed . I have tried to her to stay in her pajamas until I wake up . It isn 't as if she does anything except wander the house , but she just flips out . She has no concept of sleep for me anymore . It kinda really sucks . Big time ! I am trying to get used to the new schedule but it is hard . No sleep for me means crabby me which is not good for dealing with Mom . Also no sleep means tons more pain which is really bad . She is sleeping in her chair as usual . I wish she would be awake more during the day maybe she would sleep more in the night , but she is a morning person and always has been . We woke up to white stuff on the ground . I guess I am ready for winter . I have a new pair of sweats coming next week . ( Christmas present from mom ) I will now have 4 pairs . I love sweats , they are so warm . I do have nice clothes for when I need them , but I don 't most days . I am planning to sew the ornaments this afternoon after lunch . Mom will go with me to the other room while I sew my presents . I have everyone else 's finished . The only things left are the homemade ones ! It should be an okay type day . After sewing before Lily 's play I may need to take a nap . We shall see ! Have a great day ! I have finished my Christmas shopping ! yeah ! I am finally done . Usually I am done by November because December lessons were always iffy and bills needed to be paid so I got in the habit of shopping all year round . However , after the store , things were a little dicey . I did get Mom some really cute socks ( I hope she wears them ) and a new throw blanket for the dining room chair she sits in . I got her 2 new movies and 1 movie for me ( Harry Potter of course ! ) and the Susan Boyle CD . She has such a beautiful voice . She made the world stand up and take notice of her . I wish I could do the same . Maybe sometime in the future . I have 2 lessons today . Zach is starting again and he called to tell me he is on his way . Then Charlie will have his after . So all in all , a good day . Mom did well while we went from store to store . We hit Tim Horton 's first ( Mom was hungry ) , then Walmarts , Joann 's , Border 's , and then the Post Office . I was disappointed in the selection of planners . I guess I need to get them in the fall . I did buy one a few weeks ago but I thought maybe there would be some cuter ones . I was wrong , so I will keep the one I have . Mom and I can share it . She doesn 't really need a planner since I keep track of everything for her . I did buy her a cute calendar for the kitchen . She saw it in Joann 's and asked if she could get it . Of course I said yes . She asks for very little . I am the big shopper of the family . ( well , not like I used to be . Disability only goes so far and bills do need to be paid . Teaching helps pay the bills ) I ordered the rest of my present on Saturday so that should be here next week so we are finished with the ordering and buying of presents . Now I just need to finish sewing the ornaments . I will do them tomorrow afternoon after Mom 's doctor appointment . I am in a bit more pain because of shopping , but not doing too badly from it . I am glad I am done and home because the weather is about to turn bad . I hope this finds you doing really well and having a good day too ! 6 lessons this afternoon ! I was really really happy about that . We are all getting ready for the Christmas Concert next week . I am going to do what I used to do for the concerts , I have the kids write up small bios about themselves and put it in the bulletin . It is fun to do . I have a really cool CD ROM that has a lot of Christmas pictures . It is quite cool . I love the disc a lot . I just have to find it . My upper back is a bit sore today , might be from the long drive yesterday or not . I slept pretty okay knowing Mom was blocked from different places in the house . She didn 't try to move either of the gates we have up so I was really happy this morning about it . She also didn 't move the chair I forgot to push in it at the table so she couldn 't go into the kitchen either . She stayed mostly upstairs , where I want her to be . Harry Potter # 6 movie comes out tomorrow ! I am getting ( I think I can wait ! ) it for Christmas from Mom . I am not sure if I can hold out until after Christmas . I do know I am getting three more things from Santa for Christmas so I shall try to hold out on Harry Potter . I will be working on the ornaments tomorrow so I can have them stuffed and the bells put on them on Friday . I need to sew most of the bells before Friday because Lydia needs my machine to finish her top on Friday and it would be most unfair to use the machine on Friday instead of her . Sewing days are all about the girls after all . I plan to finish my sewing part by Wednesday latest . I need to be ready for stuffing them by Friday . I think Hannah and Sarah will be helping me . Sarah can stuff them and Hannah and I can put the bells on them and finish the seam . Then all I will have left will be to paint the names of the students on them . I am pretty tired tonight . I think we will be going to bed a bit earlier than usual . Mom is tired too and a bit cranky tonight . She is driving me nuts . She constantly thinks other people are in the house when there isn 't anybody here but us . Then she cries , a lot . I am running out of patience this evening . IPosted by I picked up 3 baby ( we call them safety ) gates from Kathy today . Yup , I drove all the way to Kalamazoo to see her and her family and pick the gates up . It was great . Nice easy drive on the way ( 2 1 / 2 hours each way ) , Mom slept most of the way down , Josh Groban CD in the radio and not much traffic . We stayed a few hours , played with the girls watched Matthew play Wii and talked to Kathy ! I really enjoyed the visit . Mom did well both there and back so day trips are on ! She didn 't want to eat in the car and I didn 't push it . If she isn 't hungry , I won 't make her eat . I told her how long it would be before we got home , the McDonald 's was in a bag next to her so it was up to her . I didn 't think she would eat in the car but I was a bit hungry by that point so we stopped and went to the drive thru . It worked out well . I think we will be able to do it again . I put up the gates in the front door and in front of the downstairs so she won 't go down in the morning . It is very tiring , but fun so it is worth it . Tomorrow will be nice and busy . Tuesday will be sort of busy , but the rest of the week won 't be so much . I do have some sewing to finish up . The concert is in about 11 days so I have to finish the ornaments ! I have to make sure that I do them when the kids won 't be here so they won 't see them ahead of time . The Muglia girls are helping me make them . It has been 3 weeks since I have seen them because of the flu in their house . I get them 2 times this week ! They aren 't getting the ornaments for Christmas since they are helping me make them , that would be cheesy , but I have something for them that they will like . I am almost done with Christmas shopping , I thought I was done but I have a few small things left . I plan to get them this week before my money runs out . I have to remember to pay my health insurance tomorrow before it gets cancelled . It is due on the 20th , but I have 30 days to catch up on the previous month before it is cancelled . I don 't want to cancel it even though it is expensive , I don 't think medicaid will Posted by Not much happening today , just the usual lesson . It is Aggie 's opposite week so she isn 't having a lesson today , just Lily who was in a really good mood . She usually is a happy girl , but today was just happier than normal . It was a very fun lesson . Mom was teasing her too . She does so well with Mom . I am going to get a gate for the front door so Mom can 't get out . Kathy has a couple ( at least one for sure , maybe two ) . She thinks she has a longer than a door one that I can put at the top of the stairs at night so Mom won 't go down without me . I explained it to her and she seemed to understand for now anyways , she will forget soon but I will remind her again . That 's what I am here for . She is a happy girl today too . Lily always brightens her up , most of my students do . We are going to see Lily in her play Wednesday night . There is a concert earlier before the play apparently so we will go a bit early to see the little kids . Mom will like that . I have to really decide what I want to do with my life . Right now , I am just existing and getting by . I don 't like that feeling so I have to find new dreams . I think when I lost the store , I lost my dreams . So now I need new dreams . Just existing to take care of Mom is not good . I know she doesn 't have any goals anymore , except to help me with mine . I thought a lot last night about it . I want to do what I originally planned before we lost the store . Open a music school . Right now wouldn 't be good , but that doesn 't mean I can 't work on the details of it . I don 't want a store again . I am not into the whole renting and selling of instruments , but I loved the teaching part of it . That is what I lived for and the reason I got up in the morning . I live for the moments I get to teach . I am going to continue what I am doing right now , teach a few lessons , hopefully as the economy gets better I will get some more students and then open a school once things have improved . There wouldn 't be any point to it right now because lessons are so down because , I mean , really , a choice between lesPosted by Saw old dogs ( the movie ) this afternoon . Oh my gosh ! It was soooooo funny ! Mom and I laughed our butts off ! I know critics hated it and gave it like about 1 / 2 star but I loved it . We need to definitely get this one when it comes out on DVD . Speaking of DVDs , Harry Potter # 6 comes out Tuesday ! I can 't wait . It is going to be a Christmas present from Mom to me so we can 't watch it until after Christmas , not that I mind , I did see it 3 times in the movie theatre so a few more weeks won 't kill me . The chipmunks new movie comes out soon too , I want to see that . Mom is doing pretty okay today . I ordered a new book about the mid stages of Alzheimer 's yesterday that should help me with where she is at . I also found out that my friend Kathleen took care of her grandmother and she has the same thing ! So that is two people I can ask questions if I have any . She loved the movie so I was very happy and excited about that . I thought that she would . She still understands quite a bit so she is easy to entertain with movies ( going out to them , otherwise she falls asleep in the chair in the dining room ) I am working on a regular schedule for us so she won 't get as confused as she can get . She was a bit confused as usual this morning and opened the front door , but didn 't go out . She likes to check the weather in the morning by sticking her hand out the door , I hate it because I am afraid she will go out , but she does this every morning like clockwork , so what can I do ? Pain is medium today , my back is better than last week when my flare decided to go to my lower back and hips so that I couldn 't even stand up straight . From behind I must have looked pretty funny since I was so bent over . Fortunately , it is almost over , the pain is in the middle of the lower back but I can stand straight up and walk normal , well , normal for me . It snowed apparently last night and this morning . I missed it ! yeah ! No snow for Heather ! I like snow on Christmas Eve and Day and that is about it . Snow makes Mom very nervous which makes me nervous and driving Posted by Mom was very frustrated this morning about her confusion . She wanted to know why and I said it was a part of her memory loss issue . She wanted to know more . It is the first time she actually asked about it . She wanted me to prepare her for what is coming and what she has . I was surprised because usually I can get around those type of questions because she doesn 't ask point blank like she did today . So I told her about her Alzheimer 's and what stage she is in and where she is heading . She took it very well . I mean , a few tears , but not many especially as I was crying through most of it . She asked me to print off the paper with the stages and make her a book to keep track of things . I usually keep track of her medicines and stuff in my head , but she wants to help by keeping it in a book . So I will make her a book . She wants to help with that too . She wants to be involved I think . I am not sure . I am not sure what she can do because she can 't do a whole lot anymore . I told her that by the time she gets to stage 7 she would have no memory left . She is in stage 5 now . I hope to keep her here for a while . I know she is going down and getting worse , but right now she can still enjoy things and have a good laugh at stuff . That is what is important , that she enjoy things and have a good laugh now and again . She knows that I will keep her with me as long as I possibly can and that I will still see her daily even when I am not with her all the time . It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life . I had my monthly ( sometimes bi - monthly ) blood test this morning . Ugh , she had to dig a bit to get it started . I can clear a room of nurses just by signing in . Such a useful talent - he he he . At least it was only one poke this time . I wasn 't up for more , that is for sure . We should be getting our new roof soon , since I just paid the down payment on the bill . Roofs are very expensive , at about $ 7100 for ours . I was not happy that we needed another one already . We got a new one in the early to mid 90 's that apparently didn 't have good work on it . This one should last us until Mom is in a home which I had hoped would hold out until then ( the roof I mean ) . It is supposed to rain then possibly snow tonight . Since it is December , I am not minding the snow , come January and 80 degree weather can come back . Yes , I know , I live in MICHIGAN and that doesn 't happen . I am a dreamer what can I say ? ? I have a few Christmas presents left to make and then I have a couple of gift certificates to purchase and then I am done ! ! ! Yup , done ! ! ! I got Mom 2 DVD 's and 1 season of Walker so she is set . they are sitting in the Christmas box but she doesn 't know that they are for her . I am getting Army wives ( yes , I picked it out . Can you imagine a woman with dementia Christmas shopping ? I don 't think so ! ) and we are going to the used bookstore this week to pick out a few things for me and then she is done with me . I am getting Tillie a bookmark and making her an ornament . I know she said NOT to get her anything , but oh well , too late . Already made the plans . She will have to deal . Besides , she reads an awful lot and could use a good bookmark and everyone can always use more ornaments , especially the hand made type . Mom is falling asleep next to me in her chair at the table . We sit at the table a lot because the chair is comfortable for me and doesn 't cause any extra pain and also because the TV is on the kitchen counter and not in the living room . With 2 pianos ( for teaching ) , there is no room for the TV in there . Also , we have cable and thPosted by I thought I would have 2 students today , but my old student who is coming back won 't be here until next week . Oh well , I am disappointment but I will see him next week . At least I have a lesson today , unlike last week where I didn 't for many days in a row . I am working on Christmas presents today . I am making ornaments for family and students . It is a lot of fun . Mom hasn 't gone outside without me now for a week . I put a new sign on the front door to let her know I am upstairs . It has worked so far . She still wakes me up a lot , but she is at least in the house . It is cold out now . Winter has definitely arrived . I got Mom 's heavier coat out so maybe she won 't freeze so easily . Next will be the parka but it isn 't cold enough for that yet . Starting January I am sure I will be throwing it on her . Not much else happening today . Just more sewing ! I hope you have a great day ! I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
Happy New Year 's Eve ! ! ! ! Yeah ! Last day of 2009 ! I can 't wait until 2010 ! The year will rock ( if I have anything to say about it ! ) today 's post part II . We had surprise company come by so I had to end sooner than planned . Mom 's friend from her old work , Jose , stopped by . He has a thing for her , still , after all these years . He 's planning to come Tuesday and pick her up for a bit of time . Apparently , he has stopped by a lot but we weren 't home or we were sleeping . He comes a bit early for us , about 8 : 30 am . Yeah , like I am awake at that time . I let him know that the door doesn 't usually open until 11 : 30 ish , because I am still sleeping and don 't hear the door . I will be working on some crafts in January . I found a few kits that I have bought during the year that I haven 't done yet , so I am planning to start working on them as soon as the new year begins . I am not starting until then because tomorrow I am spending the day with my Katie . I am very excited about that and not sure what we are going to do outside of going to Red Robin 's for early dinner / late lunch . Friday we will go out to eat for our yearly celebration of the new year . We also have some new movies we will watch . Sunday , we are going to see " Alvin and the Chipmunks , the squeakuel . " I cannot wait for that . It looks so cute and I love the chipmunks . Kathy 's little girl , Sammy , likes to sing with the girl chipmunks when the commercial comes on . I would love to see that ! The chipmunks might be the girls first movie . I will find out when I talk to Kathy later this week . She will be 42 in about 12 days . So nice that she is older than me ! I won 't be 42 until April ! ! ! ! He he he ! Tonight is a quiet night here with a new Charlie Brown special ! I love Charlie Brown . The specials are usually quite good and cute with nice music . Frank is playing Linus and Lucy for competition , he is doing really well on it . Katie , Rachel , and Rebecca are also going to competition this year . I used to have about 10 to 15 kids go , but not right now ! I am happy that they want to go , of course , I would be happy if they didn 't . Competition is optional , if you want to go , do your best , if you don 't , that is fine too , Posted by Can 't believe tomorrow is New Year 's Eve . We aren 't doing much in the evening , but spending the day with Katie . We are planning to go to Red Robin for lunch / dinner . I love that place . Best burgers around . I think Mom likes it too . I don 't have any new year 's resolutions this year . Not sure why , just don 't . Maybe next year . I just wasn 't too into the whole Christmas / New Year 's mode this year . Maybe next year . Mom will probably be in a home by next Christmas . I will be looking into things like that during the next year . Any family member who wishes to see and speak to Mom , now would be good , well , between June . I hope to see many between now and then . I think New Year 's Day we will go out to dinner . It shall be fun . Mom likes to do that . I hope you are having a good day and ready for the new year ! Yesterday was a good day at my Uncle 's . My cousin , Nicole was there too with her two little ones . My uncle has a 2 1 / 2 year old named Jayson . he is adorable . Colby and Shay looked like they had a lot of fun playing with him . Kinda weird to think my uncle is a dad to a toddler again at age 61 . Definitely weird . His wife seemed real nice too . Andrew was there too . He seemed to like hanging out with Mom . Mom did well for the trip , she gets a little restless after dark , but I expect it . We left around 6 ish . The dinner was good , better than Christmas and Christmas Eve . Michelle is a real good cook . Mom ate most of it , I was impressed . Sometimes she doesn 't eat very well , but mostly she does good . She seemed to enjoy visiting with everyone . There wasn 't too many people there so she wasn 't nervous at all . I am glad that the holidays are mostly over , I am anxious for the new year to arrive . I think New Year 's day we will go see a movie and to dinner . I found the gift cards , I put them in my chest of drawers so Mom won 't hide them anymore from me . She hid them the day after Christmas and we could have used one when we went to Red Lobster 's with Kathy . But I am glad I found them that night . I plan to use one on New Year 's Day . After New Year 's I will start the process of looking into a home for mom , she won 't need it right now , but eventually she will . I will also start looking at where I am going to live . It would be great if Richard and his family moved back here , I would move in with them but I don 't think that is going to happen . Richard hates Michigan . I love it , but he doesn 't . Of course it does depend on where he gets a job . The kids got the Christmas presents . Hope they like the candy ! I made some for them too . Well , this is getting awfully long ! Pain is alright today . My head is its normal pain , my knee is a bit bad , but not too bad . I hope you are having a great day ! It 's over already ! Yup , Christmas ! Now on to the new year ! I am looking forward to 2010 . It should be a good year . Mom did well the last few days . We were at our cousin , Tillie 's house . We spent the night Christmas Eve and then went home Christmas Day . She didn 't sleep much because she kept getting cramps in her legs and she had to use the bathroom several times . She only cried a few times on Christmas because she was either too hot or too cold . Her body is difficult to regulate her temperature . But over all , for being in a strange place , she did really well . My younger brother was there too . He seemed happy to see her and she was happy to see him . It has been three years since he moved to London , Ontario . She has been having an easier time going to bed now that she has the new medicine . She takes it around 7 : 30 and then we go up around 9 pm . It has definitely helped her not be so upset at bedtime . No more bad nights right now ! I am really happy about that . Unfortunately , she still likes to get up early and I don 't . She was up at 8 : 30 this morning in my room . I don 't know what time she got up , but oh my , 8 : 30 is a little early for me . I like to get up after 10 am , preferably around 11 . She only came in a couple of times , but it can get annoying when she keeps coming in . But it is better than her going outside . I am glad she doesn 't want to go out right now because it is so cold out . Today was very windy too . Kathy is in town and we went to lunch and the bookstore . We had a lot of fun . Her kids are so cute and they liked the presents they got from Mom and I . She picked out some cute Lego sets for the boys and we ( we both saw them at the same time ) picked out cute dolls for the girls . Kathy got me a gift card for Barnes and Noble . I love reading ! We got two books at the bookstore . One for the book club and another just for fun reading . I got several books from the used bookstore for Christmas from Mom . I also got a new coat that we are sending back because it is supposed to be a winter parka ! Not ! It 's lining is likPosted by Mom is all set as far as medicaid is concerned . So am I . We went ridiculously early to social services this morning . The guy yesterday said they do interviews from 7 : 30 am to 11 am so I made sure we were there at 7 : 30 . We waited until 9 : 15 to see a worker . Yup , that is 9 : 15 am . They called the first person on the list ( we were # 3 ) at 9 : 00 am . If they aren 't going to start the interviews until after 9 , could he have not told me that ? It would have been nice . The lady was very nice and I guess she is now our caseworker . She did apply for food stamps for us but ( as I suspected ) together we get too much money to get approved . Individually , we don 't have enough , but as we live together we get too much . Yes , food stamps would have helped immensely , but we are doing alright , it isn 't like we are starving or going hungry , we are doing okay . My biggest worries are mom and her illness and my illnesses . Mom is sleeping in her chair next to me . When she wakes up she asks me random questions that don 't make any sense , I just answer and smile to myself . She was awake at 4 : 30 this morning . Yup , that 's what I said , 4 : 30 am . Not pleasant for me . I need a nap , but the roofers will be back shortly and then they will wake me up . Okay , they are back now . Mom somehow knocked over her water , she just noticed that . She does such silly things . Okay , some annoying things too . In some ways I am not looking forward to Friday . I haven 't put up the tree and have decided not too . It is in the family room which I have nicknamed the dungeon . It is difficult to get into and then to find the tree ? Forget it . I also then would have to decorate it in some burst at a time . Just not up to it this year . Mom really doesn 't care , so I am not going to do it . We aren 't going to be home for Christmas anyways so it isn 't like there will be presents under it . I am nervous on how mom is going to take staying at Tillie 's for the night . I am bringing the sedatives with me just in case along with the rest of the medicines we need to take . I also am not wrapping anyPosted by Yesterday I saw Anne ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We met up for about 2 1 / 2 hours . It so awesome to see her again . I miss her so much . I like having my girl once a week , not this every few months if I am lucky . But I do understand , slightly difficult to see her often when she lives in NYC . She likes it there a lot so I am glad about that . She spent 2 years in Japan teaching English before she moved to NYC . I made some candy for her for Christmas . I am making candy for Andrew and Tillie too . Tillie told me not to get her anything for Christmas so I am making her candy . I don 't listen very well to comments like that . I also bought her a book mark because I know she reads a lot . I can 't believe this week is Christmas . So hard to believe it is here already . I haven 't wrapped a thing for me or mom yet . Not sure I am going to as wrapping slightly confuses her . She will be confused enough with the holiday and us spending the night away from home . At least I will be there and she won 't be alone . We don 't need another Friday night . We are watching Frosty the Snowman . Mom loves this movie , so do I . I love the song so much . Frank played it for the Christmas Concert . He did a good job on it . Mom is sorta watching it , her eyes are closed as usual when TV is on . I called the doctor this morning and asked what to do about Mom when she is having a bad night . She will call me back with information . Mom has been alright for the last couple of nights . I am anticipating a kind of bad night tonight because the roofers are here and it is confusing her a bit . They are giving me a bit of a bad headache . Where is the hotel when you need one ? Okay , so I don 't have the money for a hotel , but it would be quieter and perhaps a bit fun for a change . Then again , Mom doesn 't do very well with change , so maybe the hotel would be a bad idea . She keeps answering the door when the roofers bang their tools like knocking on the door . It is difficult to know the difference . I have two lessons today and two tomorrow then none until Saturday when I have one and I also have onePosted by Last night was a nightmare . Not only for me but for mom . I called the Alzheimer 's society and they didn 't really have anything very helpful . Yeah , she kept wanting to go home . I told her she was home and she agreed but then wanted to go home again . It was like this for 3 hours . She was so confused and upset that it was horrible for both of us . So I called the society and they said to go along with the delusion . However , if I did that , she would have left the house looking for her house . So , a bad night all around . I called Tillie and asked her if she would ask at the home what they do about these things at night . She is going to look into it for me . I am grateful for support . Any one has suggestions , please let me know ! Other than that , things are alright here . It was book club today ! ! ! ! How fun . We all loved the book that Maggie picked , " the Christmas Sweater , " by Glenn Beck . It was such a good book . We are reading " The Other Boleyn Sister " for next month . I loved that book so much . The movie was good too . Katie is going to get it out of the library when she goes to work next and Aggie , I think , may have it . The other Katie is going to go and buy it , so is Maggie . I love book club . It is so much fun . I was glad both Katie and Katie were able to join us . Both of them had to work last time . I am ready for Christmas except for wrapping and the tree . I am going to put the tree up tomorrow and wrap the presents too . Mom and I are going to make candy tomorrow to for Christmas presents for Andrew and Tillie . Andrew decided after all to go Tillie 's for Christmas . We haven 't seen him in about 3 years since he moved to London , Ontario . It will be nice to see him again . We will be alone with him for about 3 hours Christmas Day while Tillie goes to see her husband in the home . I hope you are having a good Christmas season and enjoying all the joys it brings ! Merry Christmas ! I had sewing today ! Finally we are back only to take off 2 more weeks for the holidays . I don 't mind though because when we start again in the new year , all three girls will be starting new outfits . They are doing so well . They all have a skirt with a coordinating top to go with it . I am so proud of them . Their smaller sister , Sarah , will be starting a skirt with me . She is to young to use the machine but she can help me with other stuff like pinning and basting , easy things . She is excited to start . I finished the ornaments . Just in time for the concert . The concert was last night and it went well . Next on the schedule is the benefit concert and quickly followed by competition . They are two events in a row . I figure my students can perform their competition music at the benefit concert . I have some people already confirmed to perform , I am just waiting for some more . I hope you are having a good day ! You would think I was torturing Mom this afternoon by making her wash her hair . Every time we do this it is a trial . She is afraid of being cold , which I understand , but still , one needs her hair washed and she doesn 't do it in the shower so it is done in the back sink . I now have her wrapped in a blanket with a towel on her head . In about a 1 / 2 hour we will go up and blow dry our hair completely dry . It takes a few hours to get this done . Thank goodness I don 't have much to do these days . It is just one of those things that you deal with memory loss people . At least she didn 't cry and go on and on this time like she did last time . I turned the heat up to 78 ( it 's rather warm in here now ) so she wouldn 't freeze and we did it fast ! So now she is almost finished with the process . I have finished the ornaments for tonight . I just have to fold the programs , and we are all ready ! I can 't wait . I know I have too , but it just isn 't arriving so fast as I would like . I love the concerts , they are so much fun . I love watching the kids perform , they get so proud of themselves when they play or sing well , the smiles are unbeatable ! I ordered girl scout cookies today . I will be ordering some from Rachel and Rebecca too , Mom loves girl scout cookies and they freeze beautifully so I am ordering a few for her . At least she will eat a few at a time of those . The other cookies she will eat occasionally , so I don 't buy them any more . No point as they usually end up in my tummy and goodness knows I don 't need them ! I need to lose weight and lower my cholesterol not raise the stuff ! It 's a decent day , I started a new medicine today , celebrex , so I shall see how it goes . I hope it works , the arthritis is just as bad as the fibromyalgia . My head is sore today , I woke up with a bad headache again this morning but it is almost back to it 's regular one ! I hope you are enjoying your day ! I am almost finished reading the new Alzheimer 's book . it has been helpful in some ways and some ways terrifying . I am not ready for what is coming . I am not sure anyone could be ready . Mom moved the front door gate this morning . She didn 't go out , but nothing like having the front door open and the gate moved . I tightened it tonight so that maybe she won 't be able to move it . She has been a bit calmer this week . I think this will be her last real Christmas . We are going to Tillie 's for the holiday and I wanted to go to Richard 's for New Year 's , but that won 't happen . He wants us to come in the summer when the weather is better . I guess he is right , but I miss those kids ! A lot ! I will finish up my sewing tonight . I will have the program finished too so I will be ready for the concert tomorrow . We have 11 students performing , 2 are going to be absent due to school events and most students are doing 2 pieces each except my little one . She is only doing one song because she was absent for a few weeks and never finished learning the other Christmas song . I can 't believe how much she has grown . I have known her since they brought her home from Russia at 6 months old . Now she is 8 . I hope you are having a good day . I have one student this afternoon . I can 't wait . Charlie won 't be here today because he has a Christmas Concert for his mom 's nursery school . That would be adorable to see . He is going to play his tenor sax while the little ones sing Jingle Bells . I hope they tape it so I can see it . I have to finish my ornaments tonight . I can 't wait ! I love sewing although I haven 't been very ambitious lately for new projects . I have to send the presents to the kids early next week as soon as I finish their ornaments . After the new year I will be taking pictures of the violins and be putting them up on eBay . I don 't know how to do this yet , but I will learn . I also have 4 or 5 cellos that need to be painted and sold . I hope that I can sell of them for a decent price . I will post pictures as soon as I take them . I have about 25 or so violins and violas . 10 days until Christmas ! I am not that excited as I usually am about it . It is almost like , yeah , whatever . I haven 't pulled the tree out and decorated it yet . I also haven 't wrapped any presents . Mom doesn 't seem that interested right now either . I know that this is probably one of the last Christmases she will have with some sort of memory . I anticipate that next Christmas she will probably be completely out of it . She is sleeping next to me in her chair again . I am watching Cold Case , it 's a rerun but one I haven 't seen before . Not much happening today , I hope you are having a great day . Yesterday was a really busy day for us . I was very glad for that . We met Debbie after a lesson at Tim Horton 's and then we had Gracei 's play in the evening . I almost forgot about the play but fortunately I wrote it in my planner ! Thank God for planners . Without them I would be lost most days . Today is also a busier day with 3 more lessons to go . I love Mondays because they are so busy and I get to see the students . It brightens my day a lot . On the days where there is no lessons , life is dull and boring . Mom is sleeping next to me in her chair as usual . The gates are working really well and I am able to get some sleep . I feel like I am making up for months of no sleep because I am sleeping 10 to 12 hours with at least 5 hours straight through at a time . Yeah ! finally ! sleep ! I am almost done with the ornaments . I will be done by Thursday since that is when I need them . I have a few students paragraphs ready for the concert . I don 't have the order yet , I will do that later tonight after dinner . I think we are going to go and get dinner because I am too tired to cook or even heat up something . We will have enough money for it , so that is good . I am not taking any time off from teaching during the holidays , if the students want lessons , I will teach . it is entirely up to them . I know that Bob and Charlie are planning to have lessons during the holidays . I don 't know about anyone else . I will be letting my students know that I am teaching if they want lessons . Not much else going on . Just had a lovely time with Debbie and the play was alright . I will be seeing Debbie at bit more because she is going to sing in the benefit concert in February and wants some help to get ready . She is planning to come and see my students at the concert on Thursday . I hope next year I remember to sign up for the hall way earlier than I did so we can have a Sunday afternoon like we usually do . When I sign up for the spring concert I will sign up for Christmas at the same time . then it will be done . I hope you are having a good day too . Hayley came to pick up her packages this afternoon . We got about 2 hours with her so I was happy about that . I can always use more time but I will take what I can get . I also had one lesson before that . I worked on the ornaments too . I am also almost finish with them so I am really happy about that . I will be finished by Thursday which is the day of the concert . I will be working on the program tomorrow . I have one paragraph so far . I expect more before the concert , or at least I hope I will . Goodness knows my students don 't want me to write the paragraphs for them . I tend to gush completely crazily . So , they are going to want to write them themselves . Speaking of which , I need to face book Lily 's dad so I can get her paragraph . I forgot to get it this afternoon . Silly me ! There , I messaged him . She is so adorable and growing so fast . I can 't believe she is going to be 12 already . Time just flies away from me sometimes . We are watching Numb3rs . It is a great show . It is on late so we have to wait for the DVDs to come out . We just finished watching season 5 . Apparently , season 6 will be the end . I am sad about that because it is so fascinating . I am watching the special features and they are interesting . Mom is sleeping next to me in her chair again . Nothing new there . She does this all the time . I wish she wouldn 't sleep during the day and sleep at night but I guess I won 't be getting my wish anytime soon . I am reading an interesting book about memory loss and the issues that come up with it . I am about 1 / 2 through the book now . Mom wants to read it too . I don 't know what she is going to understand , I know she won 't remember what she read , but hey , if she wants to read it , she can . Pain is medium today , my head has been better through out the day , it started off bad and then improved . My hips are not so good because of the weather , which I expected . I also expect my knees to be bad . I will be visiting with Debbie tomorrow ! Yeah ! I haven 't seen her in a few years since she has been in college and going to India . I am Posted by I was supposed to go for sewing this afternoon , but unfortunately , they had to cancel because of scheduling issues . I was disappointed but I will see them next week . I have a bad headache today so it probably was for the best . I am not my best when my head feels like it will explode . It is just that I haven 't seen the girls for sewing in a month ! It is entirely too long of a time between ! I miss them too much . I am glad they are healthy again and no more flu . They had the swine flu ( at least we think so because it was such a bad flu ) and everyone , including the baby , got it . I need to get the vaccine for it but right now it is not available at the doctor 's office yet . I hope so soon or at least at a place where I don 't have to stand in line because standing is so hard for me . Other than the headache we are doing alright . Mom is okay today , she is a bit confused and was freezing this morning . I told her 3 times to put more clothes on but she just walks around and cries . It is very frustrating . It is like she doesn 't realize she has clothes to wear and she wakes up so early . Ridiculously early and expects me to get up too . Well I don 't . I go back to sleep . This morning she was hungry and wouldn 't go down for breakfast unless I went with her . So I went down made her cereal and went back to bed . I am have tried putting the bowl with cereal in it on the table at night for her but she won 't eat it . She is so afraid of bugs and germs and all that type crap . It is driving me nuts . Sometimes I just want to scream ! This morning was one of them . I hope you are having a better day than me ! I went to my friend Heather 's house today for a visit . It was such fun . I haven 't really seen her in years . Yes , I briefly saw her this summer , but that doesn 't count . We had about an hour to ourselves before her little boy came home and then about 1 / 2 hour later her daughter arrived . Both kids are so cute and nice and polite . She also has two dogs that are very friendly . They didn 't jump up on us at all . I like that in a dog . Mom came with me of course . She did okay until it started getting darker and she started freaking out over the wind . She flips out over wind so easy . She really is terrorized by the wind since she has been picked up from it and moved to another place . It was years ago but to her it was just yesterday . It is frustrating for me because we have wind a lot , so it 's like she is freaking out a lot . I have learned to keep our drapes shut in the dining room when she is in there because she constantly looks out and flips . I wasn 't ready to leave but she started being whiny and frightened so we left . She had both hands on her hat when we left , fortunately , we only live about 10 minutes from Heather 's house . She did get a bit confused this morning when I told her we were going to Heather 's until I started using the words my friend Heather . Then she wasn 't confused . She is freezing again , as usual . I am tired of trying to keep her warm , nothing works so she is on her own . She puts on her outside coat instead of other warm inside coats so I give up . Whatever , you want to freeze even more outside , go ahead . Whatever . I have to finish my sewing in a few minutes . I need to have them ready for tomorrow when Hannah , Sarah , and I stuff and finish them . Lydia and Natalie should be finishing up their tops tomorrow . I am excited about that . I don 't really like this bitter cold we have because I do ache tons more than usual . Well , I hope you had a good day , I sure did . Mom had her blood test and her x - rays this morning . I had to get up so early to take her . Ugh . I am not a morning person , I am not a night person either , I am a day person . Between the hours of 11 am and 9 pm I am alright , any earlier or later , forget it , I am sleepy . So her appointment was at 9 am which meant I had to get up at 8 am . She did pretty okay except she is difficult when she gets up because picking clothes is difficult for her . I usually pick her stuff , but she wakes me to ask what to wear . I have to get up ( usually super early around 6 ish ) to get them for her and then I go back to bed . I have tried to her to stay in her pajamas until I wake up . It isn 't as if she does anything except wander the house , but she just flips out . She has no concept of sleep for me anymore . It kinda really sucks . Big time ! I am trying to get used to the new schedule but it is hard . No sleep for me means crabby me which is not good for dealing with Mom . Also no sleep means tons more pain which is really bad . She is sleeping in her chair as usual . I wish she would be awake more during the day maybe she would sleep more in the night , but she is a morning person and always has been . We woke up to white stuff on the ground . I guess I am ready for winter . I have a new pair of sweats coming next week . ( Christmas present from mom ) I will now have 4 pairs . I love sweats , they are so warm . I do have nice clothes for when I need them , but I don 't most days . I am planning to sew the ornaments this afternoon after lunch . Mom will go with me to the other room while I sew my presents . I have everyone else 's finished . The only things left are the homemade ones ! It should be an okay type day . After sewing before Lily 's play I may need to take a nap . We shall see ! Have a great day ! I have finished my Christmas shopping ! yeah ! I am finally done . Usually I am done by November because December lessons were always iffy and bills needed to be paid so I got in the habit of shopping all year round . However , after the store , things were a little dicey . I did get Mom some really cute socks ( I hope she wears them ) and a new throw blanket for the dining room chair she sits in . I got her 2 new movies and 1 movie for me ( Harry Potter of course ! ) and the Susan Boyle CD . She has such a beautiful voice . She made the world stand up and take notice of her . I wish I could do the same . Maybe sometime in the future . I have 2 lessons today . Zach is starting again and he called to tell me he is on his way . Then Charlie will have his after . So all in all , a good day . Mom did well while we went from store to store . We hit Tim Horton 's first ( Mom was hungry ) , then Walmarts , Joann 's , Border 's , and then the Post Office . I was disappointed in the selection of planners . I guess I need to get them in the fall . I did buy one a few weeks ago but I thought maybe there would be some cuter ones . I was wrong , so I will keep the one I have . Mom and I can share it . She doesn 't really need a planner since I keep track of everything for her . I did buy her a cute calendar for the kitchen . She saw it in Joann 's and asked if she could get it . Of course I said yes . She asks for very little . I am the big shopper of the family . ( well , not like I used to be . Disability only goes so far and bills do need to be paid . Teaching helps pay the bills ) I ordered the rest of my present on Saturday so that should be here next week so we are finished with the ordering and buying of presents . Now I just need to finish sewing the ornaments . I will do them tomorrow afternoon after Mom 's doctor appointment . I am in a bit more pain because of shopping , but not doing too badly from it . I am glad I am done and home because the weather is about to turn bad . I hope this finds you doing really well and having a good day too ! 6 lessons this afternoon ! I was really really happy about that . We are all getting ready for the Christmas Concert next week . I am going to do what I used to do for the concerts , I have the kids write up small bios about themselves and put it in the bulletin . It is fun to do . I have a really cool CD ROM that has a lot of Christmas pictures . It is quite cool . I love the disc a lot . I just have to find it . My upper back is a bit sore today , might be from the long drive yesterday or not . I slept pretty okay knowing Mom was blocked from different places in the house . She didn 't try to move either of the gates we have up so I was really happy this morning about it . She also didn 't move the chair I forgot to push in it at the table so she couldn 't go into the kitchen either . She stayed mostly upstairs , where I want her to be . Harry Potter # 6 movie comes out tomorrow ! I am getting ( I think I can wait ! ) it for Christmas from Mom . I am not sure if I can hold out until after Christmas . I do know I am getting three more things from Santa for Christmas so I shall try to hold out on Harry Potter . I will be working on the ornaments tomorrow so I can have them stuffed and the bells put on them on Friday . I need to sew most of the bells before Friday because Lydia needs my machine to finish her top on Friday and it would be most unfair to use the machine on Friday instead of her . Sewing days are all about the girls after all . I plan to finish my sewing part by Wednesday latest . I need to be ready for stuffing them by Friday . I think Hannah and Sarah will be helping me . Sarah can stuff them and Hannah and I can put the bells on them and finish the seam . Then all I will have left will be to paint the names of the students on them . I am pretty tired tonight . I think we will be going to bed a bit earlier than usual . Mom is tired too and a bit cranky tonight . She is driving me nuts . She constantly thinks other people are in the house when there isn 't anybody here but us . Then she cries , a lot . I am running out of patience this evening . IPosted by I picked up 3 baby ( we call them safety ) gates from Kathy today . Yup , I drove all the way to Kalamazoo to see her and her family and pick the gates up . It was great . Nice easy drive on the way ( 2 1 / 2 hours each way ) , Mom slept most of the way down , Josh Groban CD in the radio and not much traffic . We stayed a few hours , played with the girls watched Matthew play Wii and talked to Kathy ! I really enjoyed the visit . Mom did well both there and back so day trips are on ! She didn 't want to eat in the car and I didn 't push it . If she isn 't hungry , I won 't make her eat . I told her how long it would be before we got home , the McDonald 's was in a bag next to her so it was up to her . I didn 't think she would eat in the car but I was a bit hungry by that point so we stopped and went to the drive thru . It worked out well . I think we will be able to do it again . I put up the gates in the front door and in front of the downstairs so she won 't go down in the morning . It is very tiring , but fun so it is worth it . Tomorrow will be nice and busy . Tuesday will be sort of busy , but the rest of the week won 't be so much . I do have some sewing to finish up . The concert is in about 11 days so I have to finish the ornaments ! I have to make sure that I do them when the kids won 't be here so they won 't see them ahead of time . The Muglia girls are helping me make them . It has been 3 weeks since I have seen them because of the flu in their house . I get them 2 times this week ! They aren 't getting the ornaments for Christmas since they are helping me make them , that would be cheesy , but I have something for them that they will like . I am almost done with Christmas shopping , I thought I was done but I have a few small things left . I plan to get them this week before my money runs out . I have to remember to pay my health insurance tomorrow before it gets cancelled . It is due on the 20th , but I have 30 days to catch up on the previous month before it is cancelled . I don 't want to cancel it even though it is expensive , I don 't think medicaid will Posted by Not much happening today , just the usual lesson . It is Aggie 's opposite week so she isn 't having a lesson today , just Lily who was in a really good mood . She usually is a happy girl , but today was just happier than normal . It was a very fun lesson . Mom was teasing her too . She does so well with Mom . I am going to get a gate for the front door so Mom can 't get out . Kathy has a couple ( at least one for sure , maybe two ) . She thinks she has a longer than a door one that I can put at the top of the stairs at night so Mom won 't go down without me . I explained it to her and she seemed to understand for now anyways , she will forget soon but I will remind her again . That 's what I am here for . She is a happy girl today too . Lily always brightens her up , most of my students do . We are going to see Lily in her play Wednesday night . There is a concert earlier before the play apparently so we will go a bit early to see the little kids . Mom will like that . I have to really decide what I want to do with my life . Right now , I am just existing and getting by . I don 't like that feeling so I have to find new dreams . I think when I lost the store , I lost my dreams . So now I need new dreams . Just existing to take care of Mom is not good . I know she doesn 't have any goals anymore , except to help me with mine . I thought a lot last night about it . I want to do what I originally planned before we lost the store . Open a music school . Right now wouldn 't be good , but that doesn 't mean I can 't work on the details of it . I don 't want a store again . I am not into the whole renting and selling of instruments , but I loved the teaching part of it . That is what I lived for and the reason I got up in the morning . I live for the moments I get to teach . I am going to continue what I am doing right now , teach a few lessons , hopefully as the economy gets better I will get some more students and then open a school once things have improved . There wouldn 't be any point to it right now because lessons are so down because , I mean , really , a choice between lesPosted by Saw old dogs ( the movie ) this afternoon . Oh my gosh ! It was soooooo funny ! Mom and I laughed our butts off ! I know critics hated it and gave it like about 1 / 2 star but I loved it . We need to definitely get this one when it comes out on DVD . Speaking of DVDs , Harry Potter # 6 comes out Tuesday ! I can 't wait . It is going to be a Christmas present from Mom to me so we can 't watch it until after Christmas , not that I mind , I did see it 3 times in the movie theatre so a few more weeks won 't kill me . The chipmunks new movie comes out soon too , I want to see that . Mom is doing pretty okay today . I ordered a new book about the mid stages of Alzheimer 's yesterday that should help me with where she is at . I also found out that my friend Kathleen took care of her grandmother and she has the same thing ! So that is two people I can ask questions if I have any . She loved the movie so I was very happy and excited about that . I thought that she would . She still understands quite a bit so she is easy to entertain with movies ( going out to them , otherwise she falls asleep in the chair in the dining room ) I am working on a regular schedule for us so she won 't get as confused as she can get . She was a bit confused as usual this morning and opened the front door , but didn 't go out . She likes to check the weather in the morning by sticking her hand out the door , I hate it because I am afraid she will go out , but she does this every morning like clockwork , so what can I do ? Pain is medium today , my back is better than last week when my flare decided to go to my lower back and hips so that I couldn 't even stand up straight . From behind I must have looked pretty funny since I was so bent over . Fortunately , it is almost over , the pain is in the middle of the lower back but I can stand straight up and walk normal , well , normal for me . It snowed apparently last night and this morning . I missed it ! yeah ! No snow for Heather ! I like snow on Christmas Eve and Day and that is about it . Snow makes Mom very nervous which makes me nervous and driving Posted by Mom was very frustrated this morning about her confusion . She wanted to know why and I said it was a part of her memory loss issue . She wanted to know more . It is the first time she actually asked about it . She wanted me to prepare her for what is coming and what she has . I was surprised because usually I can get around those type of questions because she doesn 't ask point blank like she did today . So I told her about her Alzheimer 's and what stage she is in and where she is heading . She took it very well . I mean , a few tears , but not many especially as I was crying through most of it . She asked me to print off the paper with the stages and make her a book to keep track of things . I usually keep track of her medicines and stuff in my head , but she wants to help by keeping it in a book . So I will make her a book . She wants to help with that too . She wants to be involved I think . I am not sure . I am not sure what she can do because she can 't do a whole lot anymore . I told her that by the time she gets to stage 7 she would have no memory left . She is in stage 5 now . I hope to keep her here for a while . I know she is going down and getting worse , but right now she can still enjoy things and have a good laugh at stuff . That is what is important , that she enjoy things and have a good laugh now and again . She knows that I will keep her with me as long as I possibly can and that I will still see her daily even when I am not with her all the time . It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life . I had my monthly ( sometimes bi - monthly ) blood test this morning . Ugh , she had to dig a bit to get it started . I can clear a room of nurses just by signing in . Such a useful talent - he he he . At least it was only one poke this time . I wasn 't up for more , that is for sure . We should be getting our new roof soon , since I just paid the down payment on the bill . Roofs are very expensive , at about $ 7100 for ours . I was not happy that we needed another one already . We got a new one in the early to mid 90 's that apparently didn 't have good work on it . This one should last us until Mom is in a home which I had hoped would hold out until then ( the roof I mean ) . It is supposed to rain then possibly snow tonight . Since it is December , I am not minding the snow , come January and 80 degree weather can come back . Yes , I know , I live in MICHIGAN and that doesn 't happen . I am a dreamer what can I say ? ? I have a few Christmas presents left to make and then I have a couple of gift certificates to purchase and then I am done ! ! ! Yup , done ! ! ! I got Mom 2 DVD 's and 1 season of Walker so she is set . they are sitting in the Christmas box but she doesn 't know that they are for her . I am getting Army wives ( yes , I picked it out . Can you imagine a woman with dementia Christmas shopping ? I don 't think so ! ) and we are going to the used bookstore this week to pick out a few things for me and then she is done with me . I am getting Tillie a bookmark and making her an ornament . I know she said NOT to get her anything , but oh well , too late . Already made the plans . She will have to deal . Besides , she reads an awful lot and could use a good bookmark and everyone can always use more ornaments , especially the hand made type . Mom is falling asleep next to me in her chair at the table . We sit at the table a lot because the chair is comfortable for me and doesn 't cause any extra pain and also because the TV is on the kitchen counter and not in the living room . With 2 pianos ( for teaching ) , there is no room for the TV in there . Also , we have cable and thPosted by I thought I would have 2 students today , but my old student who is coming back won 't be here until next week . Oh well , I am disappointment but I will see him next week . At least I have a lesson today , unlike last week where I didn 't for many days in a row . I am working on Christmas presents today . I am making ornaments for family and students . It is a lot of fun . Mom hasn 't gone outside without me now for a week . I put a new sign on the front door to let her know I am upstairs . It has worked so far . She still wakes me up a lot , but she is at least in the house . It is cold out now . Winter has definitely arrived . I got Mom 's heavier coat out so maybe she won 't freeze so easily . Next will be the parka but it isn 't cold enough for that yet . Starting January I am sure I will be throwing it on her . Not much else happening today . Just more sewing ! I hope you have a great day ! I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
The first part was the trip to Mount Pilatus . We took a railcar up the mountain to the top . There were ravens flying around , and it was cold . I had a jacket . We had come from 130 degrees in Israel to around 50 degrees in the Alps . Our main group of the four girls wanted me to take a picture of them sitting on a wall with the mountains in the background . As I was about to take the picture , Mr . Vivian wanted two other girls , who we didn 't associate with , to get in the picture . It was a bit uncomfortable . The picture illustrates that some were smiling , while others were not . We left the mountain on a ski lift . After lunch , the second part of the day occurred . I got to watch swans eat whole apples and see them slide down their necks . They seemed to like it . The girls and I went shopping . The stores were very modern . Crystal , watches , and giftware . In each shop we entered , they had long stemmed roses to give to the customers . I kept mine all the way back to the States , but the customs folks took the flower off of the stem and kept it in case I was trying to smuggle in any weird bugs . I still have the stem . The third part of the day started around 5pm . Sandra and I were tired of having to hang around the others all the time . It was getting kind of old . There was a movie theatre next door to the hotel , and they were playing a French film . As I knew French pretty well , I asked Sandra if she wanted to go to the movies that night . She said yes . There was just a little too much drama between her and another girl on the trip . The other three girls were going to spend that night writing postcards , so it was a perfect time for the two of us to get away from the others . At dinner , one of the girls said she wanted to go to a toy shop across the street from the hotel . Sandra looked at me , and I said we were going to do something else , but Mr . Vivian reminded me that I had to go where the majority wanted to go , because I had to be their protector . So , no movies . After we left the toy store , we started to walk toward the old bridge and shops that we had seen that afternoon . What was Lucerne like at night ? After our rough time in Jerusalem at night , you would think we had learned our lesson about strange cities at night , but no . Three of the girls were walking ahead of me , and Sandra was slightly behind me . All of a sudden , I heard her scream . I looked behind , and there were five drunk Swiss soldiers in a circle , and Sandra was in the middle of the circle . She was being passed around from soldier to soldier . They were laughing . She wasn 't . As I knew some elements of karate , I put my hand on the shoulder of one of the soldiers and pulled back hard , putting him to the ground . I said " Cool it ! " . I grabbed Sandra , and we ran toward the other girls and away from the soldiers . Thankfully , they didn 't chase us . I could hear one of them say to me , " Oh , big man " . The one problem from that was than Sandra 's hair was on the shoulder of the soldier , so when I pulled him down , I pulled Sandra 's hair , too . She said it hurt , but she was glad we got out of there . We ran several blocks , so that the soldiers wouldn 't know what hotel we were staying in . When we got back to the hotel , we were all out of breath . Once again , we had to lie to Mr . Vivian about where we had been . I really liked Lucerne , but we should have gone to the movies . We left Berlin and flew back to Frankfurt , so that we could board a bus to take us on a tour of the German countryside . The plan was to gather our bags and put them on the bus . Easy huh ? Well , as I was waiting on my bag on the carousel , I started to see clothes come out first , and I realized that they were mine . The locks on my bag had broken , and everyone was seeing my underwear , socks , shirts , and pants come down the conveyor belt . I was mortified . I gathered up my clothes to the cheers of the other passengers and then got a belt to secure my bag . I used that story to sell luggage successfully years later in several retail stores . It always worked , because the customers were afraid it could happen to them too . We boarded the bus and headed out on our tour of Germany . The bus had a radio tuned to the Armed Forces Network , and we finally heard some western music , after so long without it . Gilbert O ' Sullivan 's " Get Down " put a smile on our faces . Dawn 's " Tie a Yellow Ribbon " was great , too . We changed the lyrics to " It 's been three long weeks " from " three long years " . It seemed fitting , and that became our theme song for the rest of the trip . Our bus got to Koblenz , which was special to Sandra , because her father had been there during World War II . After visiting a few other towns , it was time for lunch . We stopped at a quaint German restaurant in a quaint German town . The food was good . I ordered bottled water with my meal , and the label had the word " Durst " on it . I kept the bottle and still have it as a souvenir . I went to a rest room , which was in a building in the center of a road . One had to walk down some steps to get to the rest room , and there were windows at the top that one could easily look in from the road . It was also pretty smelly . We got back on the bus and headed to a pickup point for a tour boat to take us on a two - hour tour on the Rhine . The boat went past castles and farmland on mountainsides . We saw cows grazing on the steep sides , and Talula wondered why the cows weren 't tumbling down the hills . I told her that maybe two legs were longer than the others . I thought it was funny . She didn 't . Don 't joke about cows to Talula . Two hours passed , and we were still on the boat . Three . . . Four . . . and more . We thought it was a two - hour tour , but it ended up being closer to six . Six Hours on a boat . Some folks got naps . Some ate . A few of the girls chatted up the crew . It turned out that the boat was sailing upstream , which caused it to move slower , so we got more for our money than we should have had . Night was falling , and we moved on to our next hotel stop in Weisbaden . It was kind of misty raining there . The hotel was downtown near a big park . I dropped off my bags and went to the park to sit on a bench . I watWe arrived in Lucerne , Switzerland for the night . The hotel was swanky . The restaurant was on the top floor . It was right in the middle of town . This was going to be a great stop for us , or so we thought . Our next stop on our Europe trip was Germany , after leaving Israel and all that intrigue . Germany was a very welcome change . We landed in Frankfurt and saw a large cow sculpture in the airport terminal . Talula felt right at home , as she came from a dairy region of South Carolina . We changed planes and flew to Berlin . When we got to the airport , I felt an overwhelming feeling that I was back home , even though I had never been there before . My ancestors were German , and we came from the southern part of the country near the Rhine . We had to get into an elevator to get to our bus . I was singing the German national anthem in the elevator , and a lot of Germans looked at me funny . I didn 't care . West Berlin was very clean . Our hotel was near the city center . Talula wanted to get a German hymnal for her pastor back home , so she , Sandra and I set out that afternoon to find a church . We found one not far from our hotel . It was really big . The outside of the church featured ruins from the war , and the inside was very modern . Our first stop was the gift shop in the church , but they didn 't have any hymnals . We then found a priest and asked him if we could buy a hymnal . He got very upset and told us that this was a church , not a store . So , the three of us sat in a pew and just took in the church aura . When we left and were outside , Sandra pulled a hymnal from her purse , and gave it to Talula . We thought we were all going to Hell for stealing a hymnal from that church . I hope the statute of limitations has run out , since the theft was over 40 years ago . If not , don 't tell them . We also went to a department store to buy a washcloth for one of the girls . I didn 't know much German , but we got by in asking the clerk for help . I was also appointed to figure out what the exchange rates were between American and German money . Our hotel had taken our passports and kept them at the front desk . No one had done that so far on our trip , and we didn 't know why , but you deal with it . The next day , we toured East Berlin . Our bus went through Checkpoint Charlie , and they ran mirrors under our bus looking for people , I guess . Men with machine guns boarded our bus . We were told not to take pictures of the Berlin Wall from the East . Of course , you tell me not to do something , and I will do it anyway , so I got some nice shots of the wall . I was also told in Israel not to take pictures of Army installations around the country . I got some nice shots of those , too . We were also told by our tour guide not to talk to any East Germans . Mr . Vivian wanted some authentic German cheesecake , so we found a small restaurant . The girl behind the counter came over to our table to ask us about blue jeans and American life . Out of nowhere , a man in a trench coat showed up and said something to the girl . She quickly went back to work . Our tour guide told us he was the police . It just so happened that the restaurant was right across the street from the Soviet embassy , so he could have been Stasi or KGB . As our bus rolled around East Berlin , there were two very obvious sites . One was that many of the buildings had not been rebuilt since World War II , and they were just bombed out shells . The second was that Lenin 's picture was everywhere . There were paintings , statues , frescos , and much more . The hammer and sickle were prominent . We got to the Soviet War Memorial , where many of the dead were buried . Everything was massive . They did point out where some of the Nazi buildings had been . Since I am a student of World War II , that interested me . As we were leaving East Berlin , the soldiers with machine guns and big mirrors did their thing once again . On the West side of the wall , there was an observation deck , where we could look across to the East . There was also a billboard next to the wall . It read : " Durst macht Spass mit Fanta " . I didn 't know that my last name was German for thirst . I had to take a picture of that . Our afternoon was free . The girls wanted to sleep , so I had the opportunity to go out on my own . The Berlin Zoo was close to our hotel , so I went there . The animals were interesting , but the best thing ( and the spookiest ) was a group of teenaged boys walking through the zoo . They were all over six feet with blonde hair . I immediately knew who their parents were . A year later , I described that sight to my Sociology professor in college . He didn 't believe me , but it was true . I really liked Berlin . Our next couple of days would be filled with touring the German countryside around the Rhine . The trip would take another turn . More later . As I have written before , our goal on our trip to Europe was to sample the local charm of the areas that we visited . So often , the tour guides show you what they want you to see . We wanted to see the things they might not want you to see . I say all of this , because the story that I am going to tell you is true . It may seem farfetched , or a plot from a movie , but it really happened . I was sworn to secrecy , and didn 't really tell anyone until about 20 years after it happened . The person I told was in special forces in Vietnam , and he said the story didn 't surprise him . So , here goes . We got to Jerusalem and stayed in a hotel in the Arab Quarter near Herod 's Gate . It had a lot of character . That first night , we asked the desk clerk where we could go to check out our surroundings , and they suggested we go down the street one block to a souvenir shop called the Jordan Bazaar . Sandra , Talula , Judy , and I went to the shop . There were three Arab guys who ran the shop . Their names were Sam , Omar , and Sam . Sam and Omar were brothers , and the other Sam was their cousin . They were in their mid - 20 's . We asked them if they could take us on a walking tour of Jerusalem by night , and they said they would , when they closed up the shop for the night . At around 10pm , we got together with the 3 guys and set out on our tour . Each guy walked with each girl , and I walked behind them . Sandra was directly in front of me . At some point in our " tour " , Sandra put her hand behind the guy and waved at me . I thought it was a signal to " get lost " , so I started to lag behind . I continued to get further away from them , until I no longer saw them . I was officially lost . I walked through neighborhoods of squalor . No street lights . No signs . I came upon a group of Orthodox Jewish men . I asked for directions , but they wouldn 't talk to me . I finally found a taxi and asked him to take me to my hotel . I gave him a dollar , and it turned out I was just around the corner from the hotel . When I got back , it was nearly midnight . Mr . Vivian was furious . He said that the girls had gotten back earlier , and they didn 't know where I was . I apologized and went to bed . The next morning , Mr . Vivian had a meeting with me and the girls . He had decided that we would stay together for the rest of the trip , and I would be their protector . There was no debate in this decision . I was to go everywhere the 4 girls went . I didn 't like the idea , and I don 't think they did either , but it was a done deal . So , if they wanted to go dress shopping , I went too . It was also the majority ruled . If three wanted to go somewhere , then everyone would go there . We were all friends , but now we were all joined at the hip . Our tour of Jerusalem was uneventful . That night , we were having supper in the hotel , and an American man came to our table . He introduced himself as an employee of the US consulate , and said he was a political attaché . ( For those of you not familiar with that term , that is code for CIA ) . He said that he had become aware that we had made friends with the guys from the Jordan Bazaar . We were surprised that he knew that piece of information . He told us that we could no longer associate with them . When we asked why , he said that Henry Kissinger was in town to try and broker a peace deal , and that these 3 boys were part of a group that wanted to see the deal fail . He was afraid that Americans being friends with these " terrorists " , as he called them , would be harmful to the process . I told him that it might seem strange to them that we suddenly stopped seeing them , so the man said that we could find out all we could about them and their friends , and then the man would come back each night to our supper and find out what we knew . That sounded dangerous , so I asked the man what if we refused . He said that the US Government would revoke our passports and send us home . They were serious . We talked it over and decided to do it , since how would we explain to our parents why they lost all that money they paid for us to be in Europe , etc . The next day , we continued on our tour of Jerusalem . A little boy followed us around , trying to sell us rolls of mints . He would say , " One for a quarter or two foOn Sunday , the tour group went to the local Baptist church for the morning service . It was a few blocks from our hotel , and we walked . It was a little dicey , but we made it okay . Sandra bought a solid wooden camel as a souvenir . It was my duty to carry it , because it was heavy . That afternoon was spent writing postcards and relaxing . That evening , the American man came back to our supper , and we told him about the threats , and that was the first time that Mr . Vivian knew what we were going through . Some words were exchanged between him and the government official , and it was decided that we would leave very early Monday morning to go to the airport in Tel Aviv . At around 2am , there was a knock on our doors . The man said get packed . We were leaving . All 16 of us crammed into two cabs , and a trailer housed our luggage . Soldiers with machine guns guarded us , as we loaded up our stuff and got us out of Jerusalem in the dark . We got to Tel Aviv without incident . We went through the toughest security checks we had ever seen . They x - rayed the wooden camel , and sawed it in half . Sandra was very mad . She threw it away . There was an Arab man in front of me in the security line who had an urn stuffed with socks . He was on his way to France to sell tractors . He was not allowed on his plane , much to his anger . At 7am , wheels were up on our plane , and we flew to our next scheduled destination of Frankfurt , West Germany . We were very relieved when we were out of Israeli airspace . About six months later , I was at Presbyterian College and was listening to a BBC World Service radio program called " Victor Sylvester 's Dance Party " . He took requests of songs for people all over the world . I sent in a request of " Strangers in the Night " by Frank Sinatra as a dedication to the three Arabs in Jerusalem . A month later , he played it , and said , " From Walter in the US to Sam , Omar and Sam in Jerusalem - - ' Strangers in the Night ' " . It was my way of getting back at them one last time . Some three years later , Congress was having a hearing about the CIA using civilians for spying . The CIA said they never had used civilians , and they never would . I just had to laugh , because I knew differently . For a few days in July , 1973 in Jerusalem , five American young people on a tour worked for the CIA . And , just as a side note , Israel and Syria fought against each other in October , 1973 called the Yom Kippur War . I don 't know whatever happened to the 3 Arab guys , but I suspect they had a hand in the war . We flew from Rome to Tel Aviv , or as Talula called it " Tel Aviva " . We stayed at a modern hotel on the Mediterranean Sea . It was after dark when we got to the hotel . I went down to the beach and put my toes in the water . I went back inside and found a TV in the lobby . It was showing live Watergate hearings from the States . It was great to see a bit of home . Someone had given Mr . Vivian a large basket of fruit , which was put in our room . Grapefruit , Oranges , Bananas , Dates , and more . It was more fruit than our group could eat . The next morning , we left Tel Aviv to tour the northern part of Israel . We went to Haifa , Joppa , Nazareth , and other places . We had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the Sea of Galilee . They told us that we were going to have " St . Peter 's Fish " . We found out what that was . Some boys would catch the fish ; throw it in a pot of boiling water ; and then the restaurant would serve it . No scaling . No deboning . No cutting off the head . It was like being in dissecting class in school . They gave you a knife and a fork and said " eat " . Imagine seeing the eyes staring at you , while you ate the fish . It was gross . And to top it off , you could see the boys catching the fish with a gasoline slick on the top of the water from their boat . I was so turned off by this sight that I didn 't eat fish for about 30 years after that experience . Now , I eat fish a lot . Go figure . After lunch , we got to Nazareth . We saw the places we were supposed to see , and then got back on the bus . We still had our large basket of fruit . There were begging children at every turn , and we had been told not to give them any money , but the tour group decided that we would give the fruit to the kids . We stopped the bus near a group of playing children , and asked them if they wanted the basket of fruit . A riot started , and all we saw was a lot of chaos and dust . When it was all over , most of the kids had gotten some fruit , although one boy just got the grapefruit 's peel and was showing it proudly . The grapefruit had exploded in the melee . The incident touched my heart as some people have a lot , while others have very little . But , those who have very little can get excited about something seemingly so small . We toured some more and got to our place for the night , which was a kibbutz . They sold Brandy Candy there , which was a hard candy with brandy in the center . I bought a box , and went through the whole thing . I got a buzz from it , and it seemed easier to get past Mr . Vivian than the wine in Rome . The girls and I looked for Brandy Candy along our trip . Sorry , Mr . Vivian . By the time we started our tour of Rome , the jet lag was virtually gone . We could actually appreciate what we saw . There was a sign in the Sistine Chapel not to take pictures , as the flash would damage the paintings . Of course , someone did , and they almost arrested us . Some words were exchanged , and they allowed us to stay . We saw the Vatican , the Forum , Paul 's jail cell , Peter 's bones , and a lot of fountains . For lunch , Sandra , Talula and I wanted to eat in an authentic Italian restaurant , so we went there , and the rest of our tour group ate somewhere else . I had never had wine before that day , but we all drank some with our meal . After lunch , we all ate a bunch of breath mints and stayed away from Mr . Vivian , as he would not have approved of us drinking alcohol . Some of the older ladies on the tour could smell the wine , but they didn 't tell on us . We all appreciated that . One thing that I had learned about Sandra was that she never talked about death . If I would bring up that subject , she would always change the subject . I was in bed asleep , when the phone rang in my room . Mr . Vivian was also asleep . I answered the phone , and it was Sandra . She sounded very scared , and told me that she was afraid she was going to die , and I had to get to her room right then . I knew there was a problem , so I lied to Mr . Vivian about why I had to leave for a while . I put on some clothes and headed over to her room . When I knocked on the door , there was a scared voice on the other side asking who it was . When I identified myself , the door opened . Sandra and Talula were shaking . Sandra explained why they were so afraid . She had just taken a shower and found she needed more towels . There was a few buttons in the room to call hotel staff . One was for a maid ; another for the front desk ; and another for a bellboy . They thought they pressed the button for the maid , but instead it was for the bellboy . A knock came to the door , and they opened it . Sandra was naked , and the bellboy 's eyes just about popped out of his head . Talula slammed the door . They were afraid he was going to come back . After I calmed them down , we decided to play a trick on the bellboy . So , we put together a plan . I was to hide in the bathroom and zip down my pants . They were to call down to the front desk and apologize for their rude behavior to the bellboy , and then invite him back up to their room for some fun . When he would knock on the door , they would open it . When the door opened , I was to flush the toilet and come out while zipping up my fly . We would then tell him that we were going to have a foursome . He would get embarrassed and leave . It seemed like a good plan . It was implemented . I was in the bathroom . He knocked on the door . They told him to come in , and I came out . The bellboy 's face turned red , and he ran away . We had a good laugh . I told them not to open the door for anyone until the next morning . I went back to my room . Mr . Vivian asked what the problem was , and I just told him there was no problem . I went back to sleep . The next morning , we were to leave around 10am to go to the airport for a flight to Tel Aviv . We were to gather in the lobby at 9 : 30 to start to load up . We all at wake - up calls for 7 : 30 . Mr . Vivian and I got ready and packed and headed down to the lobby . One by one , the other tour members were there too . But no Sandra or Talula . I called up to their room , and Sandra very sleepy answered the phone . I asked her why they weren 't downstairs . She asked me what time it was , and I told her 9 : 45 . She said something , and then the phone went dead . To get them back for how they treated the bellboy the night before , the front desk failed to give a wake up call to their room . They threw on some clothes and got down by 10 . When they got downstairs , they looked over at the front desk , and the staff just smiled at them . We were glad to get out of there . We never told Mr . Vivian what had happened as to why they overslept . It was just better that way . We left London to fly to Rome on our next stop on our European tour in July , 1973 . So little time in London . The flight was to leave just before noon from Heathrow , so I wasn 't able to eat anything before we left . The plane was from BEA , and it was like a train with wings . Some of the seats faced one another . I was unfortunately facing the back of the plane . We took off , and the flight crew passed out ham sandwiches , which didn 't look very appetizing . Suddenly , the plane hit an air pocket and dropped something like 8 , 000 feet in two seconds . I began to hyperventilate . My heart was racing . I couldn 't breathe . The others around me called a flight attendant . They gave me a barf bag and told me to breathe into the bag . That didn 't help . A steward brought a blood pressure device . There were two doctors on board . They gave me some pills . I don 't know what they were , but nothing was happening for the better . They laid me down on a row of seats and continued working on me . The decision was made for the plane to continue to Rome . The diagnosis was that I was having a heart attack . The doctors and attendants continued to work on me for what seemed like an hour . I still had no color in my face , and I was feeling very faint . The doctors wanted to keep me awake for fear I would go into shock . I was also very cold . They had blankets around me to try and keep me warm . Nothing was working . Then , out of the blue , a little English elderly lady about two rows back told the flight attendant to " give him hot tea " . The doctors didn 't think that would help , but they had exhausted everything else . The attendant brought the tea , and I began to sip it . Slowly , my blood pressure came back . My color came back . I started to feel better . Thank God for that little , old lady . We landed in Rome . I felt fine . Everyone was asking how I was . I felt fine . Especially since all those pills they had thrown into me started to take effect . I started floating down the sidewalk . I felt more than fine . Posted by For the next several stories , I will relate some things that happened to us in Europe . The trip lasted 3 weeks , and covered 9 countries more or less . It was a life - changing experience in so many ways . These stories do not mean to criticize any country or its people . However , they are true , as I remember them . First a little background . The trip was put together by Anderson College and was hosted by Mr . Vivian . There were four college kids on the trip , and we all got History credit for the trip , provided we wrote a paper upon returning on what we had learned . There was one high school student on the trip . The rest were mostly current or retired school teachers . Besides Mr . Vivian , I was the only male on the trip . There were 16 of us all together . We left Greenville on Thursday July 5th and landed in Charlotte . Then , it was onto NYC . We left New York and flew via PanAm to London . The meal on the plane was duck . The movie was " The Thief Who Came to Dinner " . I suppose it was a good movie , starring Ryan O ' Neal , but it was around midnight , when it was shown , and I didn 't get a lot out of it . We landed in London around 7am their time . I was exhausted from the flight and jet lag . My stomach was acting up , so I looked for a sandwich shop in downtown London to get a grilled cheese sandwich to calm my stomach . I found a restaurant and asked them for a grilled cheese . They told me that they didn 't know how to do that . I explained how to make it , but they didn 't understand . They made me a quiche instead . Not quite the same , but it was pretty good . I left the restaurant and was roaming around the area . An American came up to me and asked me where the US Embassy was . Of course , I didn 't know . But , using my great British accent , I pointed him in a direction . He asked me if I was an American , and I told him that I had been living over there , but I was from Kent in southern England . He bought the story , and he went the way I had pointed . I found out the next day that I had sent him in the opposite direction . Oh well . Sorry , buddy . The next day , we toured London . We saw Westminster Abbey , Parliament , the Tower of London , the Olde Curiosity Shoppe , and lots more . I asked the tour guide if he could point out two special spots - - Savile Row , where The Beatles had their offices , and the Ministry of Defence , where James Bond worked in the moviPosted by The summer of 1973 was going to be huge in my life . I was going to Europe with my friends for three weeks in July . I needed spending money , so I got a part - time job at Belk Department Store in Columbia as a porter . My job description was to carry packages out to customers ' cars . Otherwise , I sat in a small office with my co - worker named Al . He had been a porter for a long time . Our focus was the third floor , which had mostly home items like rugs , toys , housewares , bedding , and TV 's . Al took a lot of smoke breaks . I didn 't smoke at that time , so I did most of the work . One day , a man bought an oriental rug . Those things were pretty heavy , and usually Al and I would do it together . But , he was on a smoke break , so I had to do it myself . It is amazing what one can do if you put your mind to it . We also sold these artificial trees . There was a metal rod that went up through the trunk , and it came off in sections . There was a small piece of metal exposed at each section . A woman , with a small child , bought one of those trees . I took it down in sections to her car . As I was putting it in the car , one of the metal sections put a hole in the fabric of the inside roof . I saw it happen , but I didn 't say anything . Her little boy also saw it and said , " Mommy , he put a hole in your car ! " He kept repeating this , as I was going back inside of the store . Well , the store had to repair the woman 's car . I never heard the last of that . Another time , a mother was taking her child to the restroom , and the child didn 't make it . He put a mess on the carpet outside the 2nd floor restroom . They called Al and me to clean it up . We had maids for that , but they weren 't there . We refused to clean it up , so a saleswoman did it . Belk knew I was going to Europe for three weeks . When I came back , I brought an ashtray from London for Al . I wasn 't able to get my porter job back though . I guess they were still reeling about the damaged car , so I got a job in their warehouse , which was several blocks away from the store . Mr . Richie was my supervisor . He had been in the Army , and treated the workers as soldiers . It was hard work . I mostly put price tags on shoes and cosmetics . When I got off , I smelled like perfume . Despite the hard work , I developed a love for Belk and its people . That would carry on through life . I had graduated from Anderson College and was back home in Columbia . One Sunday afternoon , I got a call from my friend Jimmy . His speech was slurred . He told me that he just wanted to say goodbye . He had taken some pills and wanted to kill himself . Why ? It was a bit unclear from his call , but it had something to do with the lack of friends . He and I had gotten close during our time at school and the theatre . He was planning to go with us to Europe in July . But now , he was taking a rather drastic step . I knew about suicide attempts . I had tried too , but this time was different . Jimmy was ready to go , but I was not ready to have him go . I tried to get him to stay on the line as long as I could . He was drifting in and out . There were a lot of tears on both ends of the phone . After a while , he finally said that he was hanging up and going to sleep . The line went dead . I immediately called a psychology professor from Anderson named Dr . Mandrell . This was before 911 was around . I told him what Jimmy had done and asked for his help . He called the ambulance , and it got to Jimmy 's home in time . The doctors said that there were two things that saved Jimmy 's life that day . The first was that he had eaten a big meal for lunch that Sunday , and the drugs took longer than usual to get into his bloodstream . The second was that Jimmy had called me . He was not able to go to Europe with us . His mother took his place on the trip . Jimmy and I are still friends to this day . I am glad . As I have said earlier , I was " Joe College " during my Sophomore year at Anderson . I did all kinds of things that caused people to take notice of me . It felt good . At the end of 1972 , I was given the Best Actor award . I prepared a speech , but they didn 't let me give it . I still have it if I win an Oscar . Early in 1973 , I was named to " Who 's Who in American Junior Colleges " . Lenny and Sandra also were named . I wrote a poem called " A Little Story " , which was published in our school 's literary book " Ivy Leaves " . It was also published in a national poetry book . You can read it in my blog called " My Works " . I was named to the Delta Psi Omega Honor Dramatic Fraternity . I had to prepare a dramatic work to recite at that induction , which was held at Mr . Vivian 's house . I did the soliloquy of King Arthur from " Camelot " . A couple of years later , I was inducted into the Alpha Psi Omega Honor Dramatic Fraternity at Presbyterian College . Apparently , I was the only person in SC at that time to be in both . At graduation from Anderson , I was named to the Denmark Society , which is the top award that one can get from Anderson . Nobody knows until their name is called . Lenny and Sandra also got that award . There were about 15 of us that received that honor . Pretty good for a person that my high school guidance counselor said that I wouldn 't amount to anything . It was announced in early 1973 that a major motion picture was going to be filmed in and around Anderson and Clemson . It would be called " The Midnight Man " and would star Burt Lancaster , Susan Clark and Cameron Mitchell . Lancaster would also co - direct the project . Since I was on top of the theatre world at Anderson College , it made sense that I should be in the movie , so I went to an audition in downtown Anderson . Burt 's son Bill was there . He was also going to be in the movie . Bill Lancaster went on to write " The Bad News Bears " . Bill and I hit it off , and he recommended me to his dad for a part . As they began filming , there was a need for a bar in Anderson , but the county was dry , so they had to get special permission to construct a bar downtown for the movie . It was Catherine Bach 's first film . She was nervous , but still pretty . I watched the filming of her scene with Burt and Bill . I had not gotten a call to come until late one night to report early the next morning . Also coming with me were my friend Jimmy and his friend Ed . We were to wear nice clothes for a scene in a bar / dance club in Clemson . I wore the same outfit that I had worn in " Blithe Spirit " . I loved the outfit . It was a cardinal red jacket with red and black polyester pants with deep cuffs . When we got to Lamar 's in Clemson , it was raining and we didn 't know where to go . We walked into the front door of the club , and they were filming another scene . They had to cut the shot . I thought they were going to make us leave the set , but we were able to stick around . We did get to see Cameron Mitchell , Susan Clark and Ed Lauter . We waited for a few minutes until it was time to bring us into the club . There were about 10 of us in our group . They put Jimmy at the bar , where they were serving real beer at 8 : 30 in the morning . Ed and I were picked to dance on the dance floor with girls . While we were standing around , Burt came over to me and said he had a special job for me . I was going to be cast as Susan Clark 's teenaged love interest , and he wanted me toThe movie was never released officially in the United States on video or later DVD . It was on TV some , and on video overseas . I don 't know why it never has been . I think it was also Ed Lauter 's first film . Morgan Woodward played a state senator . Mills Watson was in it . A week after my scene was filmed , Susan Clark was quoted in the newspaper about how nice the folks were that she worked with . I guess she had blocked out our encounter . It was just as well , but the interview came over as being kind of fake from her . I liked Burt Lancaster , and he allowed me to use him as a reference for my future work . I also learned from that experience that the bigger the star , the nicer they are . Burt had won an Academy Award for " Elmer Gantry " . Susan had been in Playboy . Burt was very nice to me . Susan was not . Nothing more needs to be said . Mr . Vivian was looking for a play for the Spring of 1973 at Anderson College and found " Blithe Spirit " by Noel Coward . It required everyone to speak with a British accent . He told me early on that I would be cast in the lead role of " Charles " . It was the first three - act play , where I had the lead , at least that I knew in advance . I began to prepare . I studied British accents for a couple of months . I listened to recordings of accents and came up with one . It was actually a cross of George Harrison and Margaret Rutherford . Don 't ask me why . I found it quite natural . Sandra and Talula were cast as my wives . We had very good chemistry going into the play , as we were the best of friends . Mary , also my friend , was cast as the psychic . Jimmy and Gila were cast in supporting roles . Mr . Vivian rounded out the cast with two others , including his granddaughter . We worked on the play for a couple of months . There were some things we needed to work out that included special effects . One was the bookcase . There needed to be books flying off the shelves to suggest the house being haunted . That required a hole being drilled into a bookcase , large enough for a broom handle to push a book from behind . There was a wire that stretched across the stage from the top , where a small sheet would be dragged across as if it was a ghost . The hardest thing was the movement of a table during the séance scene . We got a lightweight card table and put a tablecloth over it . The cloth had to be long enough for the audience not to see that my knees were moving the table . That was hard to work out , because I couldn 't show my body moving . Sandra , Talula , and the little girl had to be made up with white makeup . It was a little hard on the skin . I tried to get into character during rehearsals . There was one scene , where I got mad at Sandra , who was playing one of my wives , and I actually threw some water in her face . She didn 't like that , and I never did it again . The play called for liquor to be served in some scenes . Anderson College was a Baptist school , and references to liquor were out of the question , so we had to rewrite the liquor scenes with serving tea instead . A couple of the lines had to be rewritten , because it didn 't make sense that " Charles " got drunk with tea . After all of these things , we were ready for opening night , or so we thought . There was one major problem with opening night . We had not had time to rehearse the third act . Mr . Vivian had to ask us to memorize the lines and go for it . At the opening of the third act , the scene is of the psychic and me talking about what has happened with two wives dying . She and I were sitting there in the center of the stage around a small table with tea . Mary and I were both experienced in acting , but not so much in improvisation . We learned something that night . As we were talking , I said a line which wasn 't in the script . Mary 's eyes got big , but she knew she had to carry on , so we made up ten minutes of the play . Nothing that was in the script . We drank a lot of tea , and we talked about a lot of stuff including the weather and the other characters . There was no way we could get back on track . It was terrifying . Off stage , we could hear a lot of commotion . Mr . Vivian was whispering " Where are they ? " . After a while , Gila , playing the maid , was pushed out onto the stage to tell me I was wanted in the other room . I went off stage , and Mr . Vivian showed me where I needed to be . I went back out , and we got back to the real play . The audience never knew the difference . If anyone saw the second night of our performance , they would have seen a different third act . I share this story to anyone who gets flustered when performing . As long as you stay in character , you too can carry on . After all , the audience doesn 't have the script in front of them . Good thing . We got a lot of positive reactions to the play . I used my accent in stores in small towns . I always got service in the stores , because they had never heard anyone use that accent before . Sandra , Talula , and I even performed a scene from the play in the Frankfort , Germany airport three months later to the pleasure of the crowds . I learned a lot about the Theatre from that play . I do not recommend anyone making up lines , but you have to carry on no matter what happens . As mentioned earlier , I started out in debate in high school and failed . I had to go to mock Congresses to get some success and win awards . I eventually got into the National Forensic League . When I went to college , I was not thinking very much about going back into debate . I did take Speech courses , but they were mostly filled with preachers , who wanted to try out their latest sermons on the audience . I attended a couple of debates as a freshman , but they were not all that interesting . After I changed my major to Speech and Drama in my sophomore year , I found debate was more possible . There were three of us on the debate team - - Gila , Mike and me . Gila was there mostly to observe and act as a timekeeper . Mike and I were the team . Mike was studying to be a preacher , and he had a good speaking voice . I was the researcher . The two of us made a good team . We went to Clemson to observe how debates were done in college , and then we started participating . We went to Georgia to do our first debate and won . We then went back to Clemson and won . What was our secret ? We approached it like a chess match . Anticipate every possible move and be prepared to counter the argument . We spent hours going back and forth on issues . We didn 't want any surprises . We became so good that we weren 't losing any debates . All we had to do sometimes was to walk into a room and see other team grimace . We went to Lenoir - Rhyne to do a debate , and they put us in a Sunday School room at a church . It was a little strange debating in front of a picture of Jesus , because sometimes the debates would get a little heated . Mike , especially , had trouble with debating in a church . But , we went where we were invited . Anderson College gave us a school car to go to these debates . I liked to drive fast , and once I hit an off - ramp from the interstate going 90mph . We were going so fast that I couldn 't stop at the top of the ramp , so we just blew through the stop sign and got on the ramp back on the interstate . Mike would lean out of the car window and yell . We had Every year , Anderson College would host a debate between Harvard and our debate team . There was a lot of pressure on Mike and me to defeat the team from Harvard . This was the big time . I suppose that the Harvard team would say that they didn 't get any sleep the night before . I didn 't either . They would say that they had car problems getting down to Anderson . One thing you learn in debate though is to leave your problems at the door and do what you have to do . We did . We won . Hands down . By our win over Harvard , Mike and I were ranked in the top ten debate teams in the country . By some accounts , we were number one in the country . Invitations started coming in for us to compete in tournaments all over America . We had to turn them down , because I was involved in doing a play , and Mike had his church responsibilities , but it was flattering to be invited . After my play responsibilities were over , we got an invitation to come to UCLA . Our expenses would be paid . Mike was very excited to go to California . We were set to go . Then , a conflict arose . Sandra was going to be in the Miss Anderson County beauty pageant . I had helped her with getting her ready for that event . We had rehearsed her song . We had worked on her poise . It was very important to me to be there for her . She needed me to be there for her . So , I had to tell Mike I couldn 't go to UCLA . He was crushed . He was mad . Most of all , he was hurt . He didn 't speak to me after that , and our debate team dissolved . In my college yearbook , he wrote that he was disappointed that we didn 't go to UCLA , but we still had Harvard . I saw Mike a couple of times after that over the years . He died at a young age of cancer . Sandra came in 4th in the beauty pageant . She and I are still good friends . I often wonder what if we had gone to the debate tournament . Where would I be today ? Posted by Elton John recorded a song years ago called " Friends " . It was for the movie of the same name . That song became the theme song for some friends of mine at Kilbourne Park Baptist Church , and it spilled over to friends at Anderson College . It started with Sonny , Ellen , Karen and me . It spread to my new friends of Sandra , Talula , Mary , Jimmy and me . Mr . Vivian was in charge of the Chapel Committee for AC . He needed student volunteers to work in the chapel office during the chapel time . Attendance was mandatory for chapel , so the volunteers had to check the rolls taken in chapel . Sandra , Talula and I were the volunteers . It was really a way to get out of chapel , but we were also the ones most involved in the drama programs , and we were also very good friends . Sandra was from a very small town in Anderson County called Sandy Springs . Talula was from a very small town in Orangeburg County called Bowman . We used to kid Talula about cows , as she was a farm girl . As it turned out , Bowman 's street signs had cows on them . Sandy Springs had a mill nearby , but it was mostly just a crossroads . Sandra and I were sophomores , while Talula was a freshman . I became their brother , and they became my sisters . It became a time , where we got very close . As time went on that sophomore year of mine , Sandra and I became closer . I helped her prepare for both the Miss Anderson College and Miss Anderson County beauty pageants . She was first runner - up in the first one and fourth runner - up in the second . I prepared her with stage presence and talent . Talula would later compete in the Miss Orangeburg County pageant , and she got Miss Congeniality . Mr . Vivian was taking a group of people to Europe and the Middle East the summer of 1973 and asked us if we wanted to go . We said yes , because it would be one last hurrah of the three of us being together . It was not hard to convince our parents to also say yes . They also knew how close we were , and it would be safer if we went as a group . More on that trip later . Mary was from Greenville and a sophomore . She had a hippie spirit , and so did I . We were buddies . Her father was on the radio and TV in Greenville . We hung out a lot . Jimmy was from a small town in Pickens County called Easley . He was also involved in the drama program . He was a freshman , but he seemed older than he was . He also signed up to go to Europe with us that summer . I was no longer the loner who was hated by everyone . I was no longer the one who would never amount to anything . I had friends . Real friends . Good friends . Loving friends . Caring friends . It felt good . Real good . Amazingly good . When Mr . Vivian was planning the drama season for 1972 - 73 , he originally wanted to do a play around the death of Jesus , but there were some limitations around our stage , and it would be too big to produce , so he settled on " Laura " . The spring play was to be a bedroom farce , but the female lead didn 't want to kiss me , so that was scrapped . In between the two plays , he planned to do a one - act play about the Civil War called " The Breaking of Bread " . It involved two soldiers , one Union and one Confederate , who meet on a battlefield . There were about five other guys , who played dead soldiers . I was cast as the Confederate . Dennis , who had just played the lead in " Laura " was cast as the Yankee soldier . His parents objected . They didn 't want Dennis to play a Union soldier , so the parts were switched , and I was the Union soldier , and Dennis was the Southerner . We rehearsed for a few weeks . We were to do the play in chapel for the students at Anderson College . The play was set outdoors , so we tried to get a little realism in there by spreading leaves all over the stage , and get a tree stump to put near the middle of the stage . We also put limbs around the back of the stage . There were two fight scenes , and we choreographed them . Since I couldn 't wear my glasses in this play , I had to memorize where everything was on stage , so I wouldn 't run into anything . I also had to know when Dennis was going to throw a punch . We scheduled the play to run just before Thanksgiving . The first performance was for chapel . During the first fight scene , Dennis threw a punch , and I wasn 't ready . He caught me on my nose , and it started bleeding . I had to carry on . Later , some folks in the audience asked me how I got ketchup up my nose to get it to look like it was bleeding . I told them it was magic . During the second fight scene , the object was to fight over a rifle and Dennis would come up with it . Unfortunately , the rifle was brown and so were the leaves . It got lost under the leaves , and we couldn 't find it . The play couldn 't continue untilThe play had a powerful message , but it was jinxed . About three years later , I had to direct a one - act for my Senior year at Presbyterian College . I picked " The Breaking of Bread " , but I rewrote it to be a story of World War III . One character was from America , and the other was British . I cast two actors from the Theatre program . One of the two said something funny during rehearsal , and I laughed at him . He thought I was laughing at his performance , and he got offended and walked off of the set . I had to recast it with a week to go . It went off okay , but it wasn 't memorable . After all , that play was jinxed . Upon returning to Anderson College for my sophomore year , things had gotten much better for me . I was the hero of the Theatre for pulling off " Up the Down Staircase " . I had a private room in the same suite , where Louie used to be . People started liking me more . Things were good . I changed my major to Speech and Drama from English . I was still in the Ivy Leaves literary group , but I dropped all of the religious organizations . I also stopped going to church . During the Fall of 1972 , I took much more of an active role in both politics and the stage . I was also in great physical shape . On Saturdays , Phil and I would play tennis . I also ran a lot and walked . Mr . Vivian was looking to direct a play called " Laura " . It was a murder mystery . I thought for sure that I would get the male lead , but that went to Dennis . I was not pleased . After all , people liked me . Mr . Vivian felt I needed to get some technical work under my belt , so I was cast in a very minor role of a detective . I only had 2 lines - - " You mean it was him ? C ' mon let 's go " . Funny how you remember stuff . I worked backstage on the set design , lighting and sound . One of the props needed for the play was a stereo . Mr . Vivian and I went to a local stereo store and asked them to loan us a stereo for the play . They did , but they wanted free advertising in the program . Done . The stereo had a demo record attached to the back . Mysteriously , the record went missing . I had it for several years . Confession is good for the soul . The play went well . There were two actresses who played " Laura " . One was a little older than the other . Linda was the younger one . She died the next year in a car crash . Jimmy played the villain . He and I became very good friends . Howard played a suspect . He and I were at Flora together . He went on to play golf and is now a motivational speaker . The one thing I learned from " Laura " is not to get your ego in your way . All jobs are important to the overall success of a piece . It may hurt not getting the lead every time , but one can do things that will enhance one 's part no matter how big the part is . One of the group that I got involved in during my freshman year at Anderson College was Campus Crusade for Christ . My two suitemates , Steve and Lenny , were also involved in it . We went to gatherings at Clemson . One of the events we signed up for was Explo ' 72 , which was going to be held in Dallas , TX in June . Steve , Judy ( Steve 's girlfriend ) , me and a few others left Greenville on the bus to go to Dallas . The bus drove all night , and we got to Dallas the next day . We stayed in a motel in Arlington . The motel overbooked their rooms for the event , and the only room left for the 3 guys in our group was a suite which was built for 8 people . We thought it was great , since each person could have their own room and bathroom . Our meetings were at UTA . We heard Andrae Crouch , Danny Lee , and others . Our night meetings were at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas . We heard from Bill Bright , who headed Campus Crusade , as well as other religious leaders . There were also musicians including Barry McGuire and Johnny Cash . There were 100 , 000 college kids from all over the country to attend this week - long event . One of the goals of Explo was to send people out by twos and witness to 8 people , thus witnessing to every person in Dallas . It was a monumental task . Each pair was given 8 addresses in the Dallas area . I went with a girl I didn 't know . One of the pair would present the gospel message , while the other one sat quietly and prayed . She volunteered to speak . I volunteered to pray . We knocked on doors , but no one came . It was the middle of the afternoon , and most people were at work . There was one lady home . She invited us in , and we presented the gospel to her . She said she went to church , but she had not heard the message presented in such a way . She gave us some water , and we went on our way . Everyone else either didn 't answer the door or weren 't home . I don 't know how many people made a decision that day . When we returned back to the motel one night after a Cotton Bowl rally , Steve wanted to say good night to Judy . The other guy wanted to get something to eat . So , I went to the room . When I opened the door , there were two kids in a rollaway bed in the front room of the suite . I just figured that they had put them in our room , since we had so much space left over . I went down the hall to my room ; opened the door ; and found a couple sleeping in my bed . I left them , and went outside . I found Steve and the other guy and told them that other people were in our room . Steve thought I was lying , so he went into the room to find the same thing . We went to the front desk , and they told us that a large family had come to the motel , while a double room had checked out . The motel moved our stuff into the double room , and moved the family into ours . They showed us our new room , and it was like entering the twilight zone . All of our stuff was placed in the exact spots where we had left them in the other room . The motel had taken polaroids of our stuff and used the pictures to place our stuff . Even the toothpaste and mouthwash in the bathroom were exactly where they were in the other room . One other strange part of this night - - the family never woke up from their sleep , while we were walking around the old room . Our initial thought was that they had stolen our stuff . We could have killed them all that night as they slept , but that wouldn 't be the Christian thing to do . On Saturday , which was also my birthday , Campus Crusade had the Jesus Music Festival in downtown Dallas . 100 , 000 people were there . So were Johnny Cash , The Carter Family , Billy Graham , and a lot more . Judy , Steve and I were toward the back of the crowd . I told Judy about my life story of bullying , suicide attempts , and other stuff . She felt so sorry for me that she told me she was changing her major to psychology to help people like me . I don 't know if she did . After the festival , I got on a Greyhound bus to go home . The bus went to Atlanta , where I was transferring to a bus to go to Columbia . While I was sitting in the waiting room of the terminal , I saw the news that there had been a break - in at the Democratic Headquarters in Washington , and the perps had been arrested . I remember thinking how stupid those guys were . Little did I know that was the start of Watergate . The political climate today is much different than the late 1960 's to early 1970 's . Today , the issues include immigration , the economy , education , jobs , and global terrorism . Back then , there were basically two important issues - - civil rights and the Vietnam War . In 1969 , I became aware of the Vietnam War and why we needed to get out of there . Nixon was the president . By 1972 , I had become a part of the anti - war movement . I formed an organization called The Walter Durst Society for Human Rights , which became The United Society . I also joined two groups - - The Individuals Against the Crime of Silence and The National Peace Action Coalition . NPAC organized a lot of rallies and marches . I got a lot of pinback buttons from them , as well as posters and pamphlets . I became their representative on the Anderson College campus . I didn 't participate in any marches , but I did write articles for the newspaper , and display the posters around campus . AC was a very conservative school , so I didn 't have a lot of help in this cause . I also became the head of the McGovern for President campaign at school . I met Joe Biden years later , and he said that the McGovern campaign was his first job in politics . I told him it was mine too , and he grinned and said that it was " a very lonely job " . We laughed over it , but the fact was , at the time , we were both dead serious . As soon as I would put an anti - war poster up , someone would rip it down or write rude messages on it . There was no freedom of speech . One guy in particular was a National Guardsman . He actually threatened physical harm toward me . A poll was taken of the students , and 98 % went for Nixon . I was definitely in the minority . My anti - war activities also included some things related to slowing down the war effort . I got about 200 cards from the Pentagon to get folks to express an interest in volunteering for work as nurses in the military . I filled out those cards with phony names and addresses , so it would take people at the Pentagon to write these fake people and get the letters back undeliverable , thus slowing down their work . During this time , I also was involved in ecology . There was a stream that flowed through a park in downtown Anderson . The stream was heavily polluted from a run - off that came from a nearby road and a tire store . Dogs played in the stream along with children . I wrote the mayor about cleaning up the stream , but he said no . I wore an Army shirt that I got from the Army / Navy store . The law said that you could wear a shirt like that , as long as it didn 't have a name on the shirt other than yours . Mine had " Jackson " on it , and I wore it proudly , until it fell apart . I never washed it . One result of my activities was that I started to have an FBI agent follow me around . They kept tabs on me . As I said before , it was a different time . Years later , I applied for and got a federal job . It involved some very secure documents . I had been there 9 months , when one day my supervisor asked if there had been a background check run on me . I told him no , so they did one . The next week , I was let go with no explanation . I wrote to the FBI to request my file . I got two pages from them with my name at the top , and the two pages were blackened out , with a notice at the bottom " by reason of national security " . I applied for another federal job and was denied . I asked them if it was because of my anti - war activity , and they said yes . I asked them what if I renounced everything I stood for during that time . They said that it would be a good thing to do , but I could be blackmailed with my past . They weren 't kidding . In 1974 , I took a Sociology class and wanted to do a slide presentation on the movement . I took pictures of the posters and buttons , but I wanted more , so I went to Fort Jackson to take pictures of tanks and soldiers . As I was doing so , two MP 's drove up in a jeep to ask me what I was doing . I told them , and they said I couldn 't do it , and I had to leave . I drove to another part of the base and started taking more pictures . The same two MP 's showed up again , this time with guns drawn . They wanted the film in my camera , which I gave to them , although I had some already used in my car , which I didn 't give them . They escorted me off of the base . I got an A for my project . There were two people I truly hated during that time . One was the guy who stole my love away . The other was Richard Nixon . Many years later , I was at a White Elephant Party at church . One of the items brought was an oil painting of Nixon . I got it , but someone traded for it , and I lost it . I found Nixon 's address and wrote to him , telling him the painting had been stolen from me . He sent me an autographed picture . I sold it for $ 100 . After doing an awful thing at my first job at S Mart , I was reluctant to do any work , but I got a summer job in 1972 at Bankers Trust on Main St . in Columbia . My job was the Assistant Parking Lot Attendant . The parking lot was outdoors , and the main attendant was much older and needed to take a lot of breaks . Outside in the summertime was not real fun , but I had a chair under a shade tree . The parking lot had about 20 spaces and it was for the customers of the bank . The main bank building had a back door that led to the lot . There was also a building across the street for other bank offices . They told me the first day that the parking lot , which was free to park , was just for bank customers . It wasn 't for anyone who wanted to park and then go shopping . They knew how long a person should be in the bank , and if the car just sat , I was to get the license plate ; call the DMV to find out who owned the car ; and if the owner could not be accounted for , we had it towed by Happy Daddy Towing Service . There were signs in the parking lot noting that fact . One day , I was watching the cars , and one had been there for quite some time . I went through the procedures , and I called around to the offices , and no one recognized the name on the car . So , I had it towed . A little while later , a girl came out to leave , and she could not find her car . I told her that it had been towed . It turned out that she was in Personnel interviewing for a job , and the car was her mother 's . The bank had to pay Happy Daddy to get the car out , and I had to go out there to pick it up . I don 't think the girl took the job that was offered to her . I also learned that just because there are rules about only bank customers parking there , it doesn 't mean they are strictly enforced . The lot was one block from the State House , and I was told that folks with special state license plates could park there . But , they took up the spaces for the customers . There was always a grey area between right and wrong at the bank . One of my duties was to direct traffic in the lot . Some of the spaces were hard to back out of , and I worked to get the cars in and out , especially during the noon rush . One day , I was trying to get a woman in a Cadillac to back out , so that a VW Bug could move into the spot . The woman was doing fine . I was in between her car and the VW . As she was pulling away , she forgot her car was still in reverse . She put her foot to the gas , and her car lurched backwards , pinning me between her car and the VW . Her heard something pop in my knees . I had to climb out on the hood of the VW . She leaned out her window and asked me if everything was okay . I just said yes , as I was in great pain , and she sped off . I went into my supervisor 's office to tell him what happened , and he sent me to the hospital to be checked out . They did some x - rays and determined that I had just bruised a bone . My right thigh muscle hurt a lot , but they said it was just a trauma and to go home and rest . My parents were out of town . I was back at work the next day after a hot bath . Two years later , I started having pains in my knees . I ran a lot and was in really good shape , but my parents felt I should go to an orthopedist just to see if there was a problem . The doctor did x - rays and found that both knees were dislocated . My right knee was worse than my left . He said that he could fix them , but I would be in a cast for six months . Or , the other alternative was not to fix them , and I would get arthritis when I was 40 . I was heavily into Theatre , so I couldn 't see taking the cast option , and 40 seemed a long time away , so I opted for the arthritis . Sure enough , when I turned 40 , I got arthritis in my right knee . My right foot is wider than my left , because my weight shifted . My right calf turns out to the right instead of being straight from the knee to my ankle . Years later , I was talking to a doctor about my injury . He said to never go to an ER when you think you have broken a bone . They don 't know what to look for . I learned that lesson the hard way . In the 4th grade , we had a talent show . Some kids danced ; some sang ; and some did recitations . I tried to do something different , so I did some impressions . I did animal noises and bird calls . I concluded the act with a Tarzan yell . I got a lot of laughs . It may have been the first time I used humor in an act of mine . I didn 't win the show . I may have come in last , because the teacher didn 't care for it , but the kids liked it . In 8th grade , I was sitting in class one day listening to my teacher , whose name was Mr . Stock . He had a crew cut and was pretty tall . He was probably in his thirties , but he seemed old . There was an empty desk in front of mine . The desk had an opening in it that was for books and papers . I had a rubber band and some paper , so I made some spitballs and was shooting them into the desk 's opening in front of me . Mr . Stock was writing on the board with his back turned away from us . I shot one spitball which missed the opening ; clipped the top of the desk ; and hit Mr . Stock in the back of his neck . He spun around and asked who did it . Now , you would think that no one would say anything , but everybody pointed to me . He made me stay after class and write on the blackboard numerous times that I would not shoot spitballs in class . I was late getting home that day , and my Mother asked why . When I told her , I was punished again . So , the moral of this story is that it is better to do a Tarzan yell than to hit your teacher in the back of the head . As I mentioned earlier , our family vacations were paired a lot with Daddy 's work . They were either at Ridgecrest , Glorieta , or at Southern Baptist Convention meetings . I wanted to talk about three of them . One was in Houston , TX in 1968 . I remember it , because we heard about Bobby Kennedy getting shot in Los Angeles , while we were in Houston . It was the headline on a newspaper we saw in a box on the street . Daddy and Mother worked in Houston at a church long before I was born . The pastor of that church was Dr . Westmoreland , and he had box seats for the Houston Astros baseball team . We got to go to the Astrodome and watch a game . That was pretty cool . Daddy had a free day , and he asked me if I would rather go to San Antonio to see the Alamo , or to go to Astroworld and ride rides . I opted for the park . During that trip , we stopped in Selma , AL for dinner . I heard there that Otis Redding had been killed in a plane crash . Funny how you remember where you were . In 1969 , the SBC was in New Orleans . It was the first time ( and the only time ) I had been back to my hometown . My Mother and I went to the Lowe 's Theatre to see the movie " If It 's Tuesday , This Must Be Belgium " . It was a funny movie , and kind of ironic , because 4 years later , I would experience that movie first - hand . The Theatre was the swankiest I had ever seen . I also experienced the seamy side of New Orleans with the strip bars of the French Quarter . I couldn 't go inside , but the doormen would open the doors to show me what was inside . I also experienced men trying to pick me up . I didn 't know at the time what that was about . I did fall in love with pecan pralines . One other trip we made to a convention was Philadelphia . We saw all of the historical stuff there , and I ran from downtown to the art museum and climbed the steps to stop at the top . I did this before Rocky did it , so maybe he got the idea from me . I was in really good shape . Posted by As I mentioned in my previous post , Lenny was involved with the music dept . at Anderson . He would later be president of the choir . One afternoon after class , I wasn 't doing anything . He asked me if I would help him move a piano onstage of the auditorium , after the play rehearsal was over . They needed the piano for chapel the next day . Even though I had the experience with the Theatre , I was majoring in English to become a writer , and I was not real interested in doing plays . It took up too much time . Time I wanted for fun . Lenny and I sat in the back of the auditorium , waiting to do our thing with the piano . A guy named Reed came up to us and asked us if we wanted to be in the play . He said there were two minor roles that had not been cast . The play was " Up the Down Staircase " , and it had a pretty big cast . Lenny said no , but I asked what one of the part were . Reed said they had a part called Mr . Bester , who was an English teacher , and he had very few lines . I thought why not , so I agreed to do it , as it wouldn 't be much of a stretch for me , and it wouldn 't cut into my fun time . The director of the play was a professor at the school . His name was Mr . Vivian , and he taught Speech and Drama . He knew my father , as they were in seminary together years before . Not to sound egotistical or anything , but there were very few people in Baptist circles that my father didn 't know . Anyway , I volunteered for the part . They asked me what experience I had in Theatre , and I cited Columbia College . That was good enough for them . I went to all of the rehearsals , even if I wasn 't going to be called . I just enjoyed the experience of the rehearsal . I got to where I knew everyone 's lines besides just mine . The night of the dress rehearsal was when chaos set in . The lead male role was a guy named Joe Ferrone . He was a difficult student that the teacher tried to help . The actor playing the role was a guy named Chris , who really looked the part . He was very good in the role . At the time for the dress rehearsal , Chris was nowhere to be found . The word came down to us that he had quit school . Mr . Vivian came to me and asked me if I would play Joe . I knew the lines . I knew the blocking . But , what about Mr . Bester ? Mr . Vivian said that they would change some stuff around , and I would play both parts , with Mr . Bester not being seen . For two days , I cut all of my classes and began to cram for the role . I spent a lot of time of the stage going over lines and blocking . Chris had longer hair that me , so Mr . Vivian took me to a wig store , and we got something called the Joe Namath wig to make my hair a little longer . I also did some stuff to get a costume together . I had to pull this off for the sake of the show . On opening night , Chris showed up and wanting to play his part . He apologized for skipping school , and he said the pressure had gotten too great . I was very willing to have Chris take the part back , but Mr . Vivian made the decision . I was to do it . The meeting backstage was very tense , but most of the cast agreed with Mr . Vivian . Since the play took place in a classroom , I was able to use a notebook as a cheat sheet for my lines . The audience never knew that . After the play was over that first night , Chris came up to me and said I did good . A reporter from the local newspaper said in the review that I did the best I could considering I got the role two days before opening night . I really didn 't know how to take the review , but it did encourage me to do better , if there was a next time . If the drama bug had bit me at Columbia College , it bit me harder now . There were people in the cast like Debbie , Ann and Nancy who recognized my talent and encouraged me to do more . I decided to change my major from English to Speech and Drama . It was a life - changing decision . I got applause for my work . Once again , people told me I had talent . I was the talk of the school . I was not used to that , but it felt good . I don 't recommend anyone taking a role that soon before a show , but I pulled it off . I live in a world of what ifs . What if Lenny had not asked me to help him with the piano ? What if Reed had not asked me to do a small role ? What if Chris had not left school two days before opening night ? What if Mr . Vivian had not had faith in me ? I guess I would never had done a lot of plays . I guess I wouldn 't have been in movies or TV . But , all the stars aligned for me that time , and my life changed forever . As mentioned earlier , I had some problems with my roommate 's friends as a freshman at Anderson College . Thankfully , I had some great suitemates . Our suite consisted of 4 bedrooms and a bathroom . Three of the bedrooms had two beds , and one room was a private room . Lenny , Louie , Steve and Mike were my friends . Louie walked around nude a lot , as he was a hippie . Lenny was into music . Steve was studying religion . Mike was going to be a doctor . Steve and Mike took me fishing once near the school . We didn 't catch much , but I did see a snake . One Sunday afternoon , we were bored , so we decided to form a band . Steve played the recorder ; Lenny played the kazoo ; and Mike played two garbage cans like drums . We called ourselves The Walter Durst Orchestra , and I sang two songs that I had written - - " Hey Mr . Sun " and " Albert Frankenstein " . The first was just me and Steve . The second had everybody . We had a short rehearsal , and then we did it , and I recorded it on cassette . The tape exists somewhere . During the second song , it got so loud in Steve 's room where we were taping that I had to literally put the microphone down my throat in order to be heard . We had fun . Louie had a friend named Jeff who was a basketball player . Jeff had a fast car , and he would take us going out into the country to drive fast . It was like " The French Connection " . I was in the back seat and scared for my life , but having fun too . A year later , another guy took the same road with two girls . He wrecked . He survived , but the two girls were killed . I 'm glad Jeff didn 't wreck . There was a concert at Clemson that Louie , Jeff and I wanted to attend . It was Goose Creek Symphony , Canned Heat and Mountain . I adored Woodstock , and they bestowed upon me the hippie name of " The Woodstock Kid " . Canned Heat and Mountain played at Woodstock . When Canned Heat came out to play , they told the audience that half of the band got lost in the mountains coming here . They were good anyway . Mountain was loud . Goose Creek played , and there was a lot of dancing and Boone 's Farm Wine was passed around , along with some other stuff . I didn 't partake , but I really like the music . It was my first real concert to attend . Afterwards , I was supposed to meet up with Louie and Jeff to go back to school . They had met a couple of girls , and we all went back to the girls ' apartment . I stayed in the living room , while they hooked up in the bedrooms . I finally left and tried to find a place to stay for the night . There was a hotel on campus called The Clemson House . I only had $ 3 on me , which would not cover a room , but the desk clerk let me sleep on a sofa in the lobby for $ 3 . That was fine until the next morning , when the janitor came in to clean . When he cut on the TV in the lobby to watch a gospel show , I woke up and made some noise . I frightened the janitor . I am sorry whoever you were . I had missed my ride back to school , so I began to hitchhike . It was 20 miles back to Anderson , and it was Sunday morning . I had walked a couple of miles , when a car came along , and picked me up . It was 3 high school kids in a Cadillac . I talked with them for a while and found out that they had stolen the car from one of the kids ' grandmother . At that point , I didn 't want to be in the car with them , if they got stopped by the police , so I asked them to let me out . They did , and I walked the rest of the way back to school . Fun times . My best friend , as I left for college , was Sonny . He was in the KPBC 's youth group . He and I had a lot in common with music and girls . When I went off to college , I wanted to write to him , as he was back home and two years younger than me , but I decided to do something different . So , The Walter Durst Radio Hour was born . It consisted of a cassette tape . He and I sent tapes back and forth to each other . The tapes had music and other things on them , and we shared a lot of our feelings on them , because we knew that no one else would listen to them . My " radio station " was WOW , which stood for Walter Oh Walter . His was SOS , which stood for Sonny Oh Sonny . I did intros and it was just like a radio program . At times , the tapes would be 90 minutes , and sometimes 30 minutes ( for financial reasons ) . There would be commercials that I would write , and a lot of music . When my grades weren 't doing too good , my parents would take my stereo away , so the shows would have a lot of stuff taped off of the radio . I have one tape today that I kept from Sonny , because it had a lot of Bread music on it . Years later , Sonny gave me some tapes that he had kept of me . Most of the time though , we would tape over the tape that we sent to each other . There are probably a lot of gems that were lost . After about a year , I expanded the shows to go to other people . They were produced exclusively for them . Such as Ellen and Karen , BJ , James , Jimmy , and a few others , but the bulk of them were between Sonny and me . Even when I went to seminary in 1976 , they continued . Here is one intro from then , as I remember it : And now , from studio room 235 of Ft . Worth Hall at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Ft . Worth Texas , it 's the Walter Durst Radio Hour . Idea by Walter Durst ; Written by Walter Durst ; Directed by Walter Durst ; Produced by Walter Durst ; and Jived by Walter Durst . The Walter Durst Radio Hour is broadcast on WOW , which stands for Walter Oh Walter and sent to station SOS , which stands for Sonny Oh Sonny . The Walter Durst Radio Hour is brought to you by the wonderful folks at Irby 's Pies with one flavor - - Peach , and by the Postal Service . The Walter Durst Radio Hour is also heard in Poland , Zambia , Albania , Lesotho , Tibet , Madagascar , and it is the official radio station of Outer Mongolia . And now , here 's Walter Durst . It went something like that with some variations , depending on the location . I would do scripts at first , but then I just winged it . It was creativity run amok . I miss those days . In my first semester , I had to take Botany . It was a required course . I was never good in Science or Math . Thankfully , Math was not a required course . But , Botany was . My teacher was Mrs . Pryor . She was a bit on the heavy set side , and wore glasses . She also had a very thick Southern accent . I was not used to that kind of accent . I came from a more urban setting , where most of the people talked normal . Mrs . Pryor didn 't talk that way . In Botany , you study about cells . Mrs . Pryor pronounced that word as " sails " . She confused me . Why were we learning about sails ? What did that have to do with Botany ? I almost failed her class , because I didn 't understand what she meant . If you teach , please have good diction . Posted by There was a store in Anderson called S Mart . It was located near a shopping center on the outskirts of town . The store sold mainly women 's clothes which were made at the Stone Manufacturing plant in Greenville . Some of the clothes were factory seconds . I needed a part - time job after school , so the Dean of Students got the job for me . He was an older man named Dr . Lawton . He was also very kind . My job there was the Director of Maintenance . I was the only employee doing that job , which is why I was the Director . The store had several employees , mostly all women . The manager of the store was a man , who must have been ex - military , because he was very strict . My duties consisted of mowing the grass outside of the store ; sweeping the inside of the store ; and whatever else . I also found that his business practices weren 't quite kosher . There was a woman in the stockroom whose job was to sew designer labels into the clothes . She had labels from Belk , Neiman Marcus , JC Penney 's , and other stores . I had been working there for about 10 days , when my manager told me that I needed to wax the floors after closing . He showed me the large vat of wax in the stockroom . I had never waxed a floor before , and he didn 't give me any direction . So after the store closed , I went to work . I have never been very good at reading directions , and apparently the directions on the vat said to mix the wax with water . I didn 't see that , and I pumped the wax from the vat into a container and poured it onto the floor . Yes , it smelled , but I thought it was supposed to smell like that . I took the mop and spread it out over the floor . I completed the task and went home . The next afternoon , I reported for work and expecting a pat on the back for a job well done . That didn 't happen . The manager was livid . He fired me on the spot . It seemed that they couldn 't open the door to the store that morning , because I had put so much wax on the floor that the door was sealed shut . So , they went to the loading door at the back of the store . The smell was so bad thI went back to the store to get the money for the last few days , and the manager refused to pay me . I reported that to Dr . Lawton , and he took me out to the store . I was due money for 10 days of work . After some discussion between him and the manager , I was paid a portion of what I was owed . For a few months after that , I would see the manager around town . He would never speak to me , but his face would get real red , as if his blood pressure was going up . He scared me . |
Winner Announced ! OK , I have to admit , you guys had some scary stuff you shared with me ! And some freaky weird stuff happen to you too ! Thanks for telling me those stories , and sorry if it brought up some memories you might not have wanted to remember . Anyway , good old Random . org chose one of you and it happened to be one that did really kinda freak me out . It is . . . Buttah ! Check out her story in the comments - - definitely a paranormal one ! Thanks to you all , and there are still more books coming , along with some two - fors and a three - some heading your way ! Today 's book is not like any that I 've featured here yet . The Raising , by Laura Kasischke , which is brand new this month ( and unfortunately , this means I haven 't had a chance to read it yet ! ) , will have you on the edge of your seat . Noted as " part Stephen King , Part Donna Tartt , and wholly unforgettable " it is a gripping psychological thriller . Set in and around the campus of a fictional midwestern university , Kasischke 's eighth novel centers on a tragic car accident that has taken the life of beautiful , straight - A student Nicole . A year later , her sorority sisters are still up in arms and lay the blame for Nicole 's death on her boyfriend , Craig , who , they claim , is an irresponsible rich kid . But Craig 's roommate , Philip , who grew up with Nicole , has begun to think that she is not really dead and approaches his sociology professor , who is teaching a class on death , for help . Meanwhile , a witness to the accident has given up trying to straighten out the many erroneous newspaper accounts stating that Nicole was found covered in blood , for the girl she saw was not bleeding and not dead . Kasischke excels at depicting the psychology of the young and the traumatized even as she delivers a scathing indictment of the siege mentality of college administrators . In this literary page - turner , reminiscent of Donna Tartt 's Secret History ( 1992 ) , the talented author inlays her academic novel with a touch of the supernatural and a deep sense of foreboding . From everything I 've read online this book is a crazy thriller and I 'm almost scared to start reading it . But I 'm dying to because it sounds so mysterious , and I want to know what really happens to Nicole . Is she alive ? Is she dead ? Does she just not want to go to Chemistry class ? Was she being hazed so badly at her sorority , this was the only way she could think to get out of it alive … hahah , am I hilarious or what ? If you want to find out , leave a comment here . Tell me something scary that happened to YOU in college or high school ! Please leave a comment , and all those who do will qualify to win The Raising ! I 'll draw the winner in a couple of days and I will post the winner 's name at the TOP of this post , in the highlighted area . Come back and read about each book every day in March . Choose the books you 'd like to win . Enter for any or ALL the books . Each entry will count as an entry toward the grand prize of winning ALL 31 + books at the end of the month . You can win the book of the day and still qualify to win ALL the books at the end of the month ! I will HAVE to buy this book if I do not win it . I love me a good mystery ! I still cannot explain what happened to me , but it still spooked me . Here goes : About 5 years ago I was in Chicago ( Barrington Hills , to be exact ) visiting my then - boyfriend 's parents . I 'm sure you are aware of the legendary mobsters that used to rule Chicago ( Baby Face Nelson was shot and killed on the street his parents live on . ) I didn 't think too much about all the weird stories he told me about his old house , until one night when I decided to take a shower . My ex and his brother were in their basement playing video games . His parents were on the top floor going to bed . I went up to the main floor of the house where my guest room was ( with attached bathroom ) . I began undressing ( cue teen - slasher theme music ! ) and turned the shower on . Then I heard my bedroom door creek open . Curious , I said through the bathroom , " Anyone there ? " No reply . I stuck my head out and saw that my bedroom door was still shut . Now spooked , I turned the shower off and pulled my clothes back on . I thought maybe my bf was pulling a prank , so I checked the closet and even under the bed ! I opened the bedroom door and peered out into the hallways . No one was on this floor at all . However , the 3 dogs ( that were confined to the living room behind a baby gate ) were going CRAZY ! They kept staring at my general direction and were wildly barking . You know how dogs have that 6th sense ? Yeah . I freaked out and ran down to the basement where I told the boys what happened . The little brother 's response ? " Oh , yeah , our house is haunted . " LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL . I snuck into my bf 's bedroom the remainder of my stay . And come early morning when I 'd have to reappear in my own bedroom , I slept with the lights on ! Well , it certainly sounds interesting ! I don 't have anything really scary that happened to me then . . . but the Madonna - ish bob that I had then is really scary when I look back on it . ktmixon315 I * heart * Donna Tartt so I am dying to read this - love intelligent thrillers ! ! The scariest thing that happened to me was when I got locked in the science wing of my catholic high school at night . I was there for play practice and had to run to my locker . When the lights went out and the lock clicked shut , everything looked and sounded so different from the daytime . The statues of the saints were particularly ominous . Poor St . Joseph has had a bad rep with me ever since . . . . This books sounds great ! I 'm lame ( or it has been too many years ! ) I can 't think of anything scary that happened in high school or ( what little ) college I had ! I mean some guy came in a stabbed a kid in the bathroom but that didn 't happen to me and far as I know I wasn 't near it ! ! Now when me and a friend visited this guy at college once I dropped my car keys down a manhole and we had no way to get them out and they were are ride home and a blizzard was coming - That was a little scary ! ! ! I was in a head on collision the day after my high school graduation . The person the hit the vehicle I was riding in was someone I knew . I smashed into the windshield ending up with a major cut on my forehead and my radius and ulna broken . The driver of the truck I was in had a seriously broken jaw . While waiting for the EMTs , I heard people talking that the other driver was dead and they were saying his name . It was horrible . This book sounds wickedly delightful . Love a good thriller when it 's happening to someone other than me . It was the 70 's and the only way home for the weekend from UW - O was hitchhiking . I thumbed a ride with a nice looking guy and ended up on a dead end road where he proceeded to tell me " I know you want this . " With much pleading and promises to call him I was released . The end of my hitchhiking career AND his phone never rang ! Hmm nothing scary happened to my in college . At least not that I can think of . I 'm still in college right now . I guess the only thing I can really think is one night I thought someone was following me home on campus . Thank God no one was . At least if they were they didn 't get into my house . Thanks ! - Jessica In high school , a group of friends and I would go driving around the area . There was a wooded spot , down in a valley , that was secluded and tales of " melonheads " creeping up on kids who were parking there abounded . Not that we believed the tales , they were mostly used to scare the younger kids , but we were driving there and recounting the stories . The weather wasn 't the best , and the road coming out of the valley had gotten a little icy . My girlfriend 's car was this little AMC Gremlin that didn 't have much power , let alone traction . We got stuck in the valley , in the pitch dark , after having been telling the stories about the " melonheads " . Then the car died and she couldn 't get it started right away . So , needless to say , we were all a bit frantic . Yes , she got the car restarted , and we were able to find the " back way " out , which is even creepier than going up the icy road , but we got out , and had a nice laugh about it . Not too scary now , but at the time , it wasn 't a lot of fun . That said , I love these types of books and would really enjoy getting the bejezus scared out of me again ! One night in college I was leaving the mall late in the evening and in the reflection of the doors in front of me two suspicious looking HS boys closing in behind me from both sides . Fortunately , my paranoid bf had given me a barely - legal pocket knife for my birthday , which I casually took out of my purse , flicked open & closed for all to see , and then put in my pocket . Like magic , those boys ? Suddenly decided they weren 't done shopping . In High School I was part of our dance company . We had a lot of night shows that ended super later . It was our first night of holiday show and I had to run and grab something from a different classroom . Little did I know that classrooms teacher was obsessed with chuckie and had plenty of dolls in the room . But they also had a large one about two and a half feet high behind their desk . When I walked behind it caught me so off guard I screamed and ran out without whatever I went in there for . sounds like a real page turner . When I was in the 10th grade , a friend and I went to a fraternity ( local college campus ) haunted house on halloween . I 'm not sure why , because I hate to be " shock " scared ( things jumping out at you ) and it was one after another ! I have never visited a " haunted house " since . jdstec The only really scary thing that happened to me was the dumb ass that I dated in college . Thankfully I wised up & ditched him ! Sounds like a great book ! 2 days before my graduation from college , I had just pulled into our garage at the end of our very long driveway , and was getting my cap and gown out of the back of my car . As I was standing up I saw a man standing in the garage with a knife . I couldn 't move , I couldn 't scream , I was frozen . He told me to give him my purse , watch , and earrings , and I did . I kept telling him not to hurt me , and my dog was in the house going nuts because he could see what was going on outside . Then the guy paused and looked at me , and I was terrified that he was going to do something . . . else . I told him that my parents were going to be home in the next 5 minutes ( lie ) and that if he didn 't want to go to jail he needed to leave . He took off and I called the cops . Totally off topic , but , Barrington Hills isn 't Chicago , not even close . Chicago is Chicago , not the surrounding burbs . That 's a pet peeve of mine , and I know it 's petty , but it is : ) Some guys that I thought were my friends ended up wrestling me to the ground , tied up my arms and legs . They placed me on the elevator , pressed all the buttons and left me there . The next person that came on the elevator helped me get untied . I left the dorm for the evening and went for a long walk . My " friends " didn 't understand why I was mad at them when I got back . " They were just having a little fun " . Anyways , thanks for the great book giveaways ! - Donna W . This book sounds really interesting ! I don 't usually read " thrillers " but now is a good time to start ! As far as anything " scary " happening to me . . . I can 't say I have a story for ya . Although , when I was in highschool the " Green River Killer " was in full swing . They hadn 't even come close to catching him . I drove by the Green River almost daily and even an area where I remember them finding a body or two . It was REALLY scary knowing he was in our area and I never went anywhere alone . It was always in the back of our minds ( and on the news . ) I 'm so glad they finally caught that creep ! Anywho . . . have a great weekend , Manic ! ! : ) In college I lived alone and had terrible neighbors . They used to ask me for money all the time and as I kept saying no they kept getting worse . They started by breaking into my car , and then slashing all my tires . The last straw was when they set my building on fire . I was terrified they were going to really hurt me so I move out . Ally N I don 't have anything super scary . One time in college I had a friend from high school coming to visit me . She was in a bad car accident and I couldn 't get in touch with her for a few hours . She was fine and my boyfriend went to go get her and bring her to my sorority house . So for a few hours I was scared and worried . Jana B I 've pretty much blocked out all of those years . So no scary stories . This book sounds so good . I 'm gonna have to check it out . I have such a long reading list thanks to your blog . I appreciate it since I 'm always looking for new books to read . Clynnc I love psychological thrillers ! VERY EXCITINGI worked for the football team in college and we had practice in the spring at 5 am . I had gone out the night before with some of my girlfriends and decided it was stupid to go to sleep for an hour before practice so I stayed up all night . After practice I was driving home for Spring Break and fell asleep . I hit an 18 wheeler going 75 miles an hour down the highway . IT was terrifying . I should have died but did not have a scratch . The car was totaled but nothing happened to me . I am so thankful ! The police officer said , " If God 's not going to punish you then I won 't either . " : ) For the life of me I can 't really think of anything scary that happened to me in high school or college . The closet thing that comes to mind is my tire blew out when I was on the freeway . No cars were around me and I was able to make it to the shoulder without hitting any other cars . Melissa Rem For the life of me I can 't really think of anything scary that happened to me in high school or college . The closet thing that comes to mind is my tire blew out when I was on the freeway . No cars were around me and I was able to make it to the shoulder without hitting any other cars . Melissa Rem This book sounds great - - I loved the Secret History ! Have you read Her Fearful Symmetry ? Also a good modern day ghost story . Ok , here 's my scary story from college . . . my boyfriend and I went camping for the first time . . . since he lived in a fraternity and I in a sorority , we had no real options of spending the night together ( what college kid has money for a hotel ? ? ) so we decided to go camping , which was actually really fun and a beautiful setting way out in the middle of nowhere . So when , late at night , we heard noises , we started to panic - - was it a bear ? a crazed woodsman - y killer who preyed on college co - eds ? ? We could tell that it was several people , they were rummaging through our cooler , whooping and hollaring , we thought for sure they were high and meant to do us bodily harm . Long story short , it was some of my boyfriend 's fraternity brothers who knew we were camping and were just punk ' ing him since they were the ones who suggested the camping locale in the first place . Worst first time ever , let me tell you . I went to University of Portland in Oregon in 1989 , the same year Westley Allen Dodd - the serial killer ( the one who molested & killed children ) was in Vancouver , WA - - ( this is right next to Portland ) . It happened that my boyfriend and his friend were in the park playing basketball when they decided to take a trail from the park to the corner store . On this trail they saw to kids playing . These 2 children happened to be found murdered in this location not to long after my boyfriend and friend had gone by them . Next day there were composite sketches in the Oregonian paper that looked identical to my boyfriend and his friend , the the cops pulled them both from work for questioning . Did I mentioned I was living with my boyfriend . I was so scared that I was living with a serial killer I could not sleep , I could not leave in fear of being killed - I had no idea what to do . Ended up they were not the killers - but later when they finally got caught Westley Allen Dodd - - in his confession he said that 2 older boys / men had interrupted his plan and that is why he had to kill them there . These 2 boys / men were my boyfriend and friend and so they had to have walked right by the murder who was hiding in the woods . This story gives me chills because you just never now who is hiding waiting to strike and you never know who you can really trust . Still freaks me out to this day . My husband and I got married in college , and bought our house a month later . 3 months after we moved in someone had broken into our house and taken everything ! We lost all of our dating and honeymoon pictures . It took me a long tim to feel comfortable at home and to be able to sleep at night . kndyer In college , heading back to Boston from upstate New York after Christmas break , the roads were a little icy and I lost control of my car on the highway , swerved a few times , slammed into the guardrail and ended up back in the middle of the highway . I was uninjured , and by some miracle didn 't hit anyone else or cause any accidents behind me . But it was still scary as hell , and after I had moved my car over to the shoulder , it went up in flames and the fire department had to come out . a piece of a motorhome flew off and almost crashed into the car i was in . that was scary . AND i was in a sorority . which was also scary . I love psychological thrillers ! ! ! I used to live in the mountains of Virginia . When hurricanes hit the Carolinas or coast of Virginia we sometimes got heavy rain and high winds , but once in college a hurricane blew all the way inland hitting even the mountains with hurricane force winds , spawning tornados etc . I rode a bus to campus everyday rather than drive 2 hours a day . I couldn 't afford my own apartment . The weather got worse as we got closer to campus . The bus was getting blown all over the road . A car swerved in front of us and the bus driver lost control . I was the most scared I have ever been thinking we were going to crash . The bus driver got the bus back under control and we made it to campus just in time to find out classes were canceled . We waited out the storm , and then headed home through all the storm damage and wrecks . My parents divorced while I was in high school and I ended up living with my dad . Who turned totally looney after my mom left . My girlfriends would come over after school and he would preach to us that he was now a prophet and got to decide which of us got to go to heaven and which to hell . It made high school miserable , my friends stopped coming around and I was trapped in a house with a crazy man . He and I don 't have any contact anymore . My high school and college years were pretty boring . The scariest thing that happened to me was when my best friend ran away during my senior year . She disappeared and everyone was searching for her . She did end up contacting me but remained a runaway until she was 18 . Scary for me and her family . Carly Haynes A little boring as far as scare factor . . . but when you are 18 it feels scary . I owned an old beetle and was gonna drive home for a weekend . Went to check my oil , cause I was an obedient child still , only to find someone had broken into my engine and stolen my alternator . Police came , lifted fingerprints and had to tow it away to be fixed . Daddy came and saved me . Boring I know , but I was afraid in daylight ! Sasse1Susan This book sounds like a page turner ! Scary thing that happened to me in college : I am a VERY sound sleeper . I sleep through storms , racket , television , you name it . When I was in college , I lived with 2 other girls in a house right next to a bar . My roommates were going out and I needed to work early the next morning so I stayed in . Our house was old and in addition to the locks on the front door , each of our bedrooms came equipped with a deadbolt when we rented the house we thought that was funny . For whatever reason , that night I chose to lock the deadbolt to my room ( thank goodness ! ) . When I woke up to go to work the next morning , I found my house TRASHED . Furniture turned over , food and crap everywhere . Toothpaste all over the bathroom , goldfish crackers in our fish tank . I didn 't hear a thing . After the bar that night , one of my roommates went to her boyfriend 's house and the other decided to invite a coupe of guys she met that night back to the house . Apparently she passed out and the guys took it upon themselves to ' redecorate ' our house . While we don 't think my roommate was assaulted , it was still the scariest thing that has ever happened and I 'm extremely grateful I decided to lock my door that night . I 'm thinking this will be awesome scary to read ! Let 's see . . . Back in jr high , I didn 't live far enough to ride the bus , but it was a long walk home where I had to walk on the service road for a major street in out town . Well everyone else I knew around me was bused , so I had to walk alone . One day after school a guy pulled up along side of me in an old gray rusted car . He popped his headout ( he was a beginning to bald redhead with a big birthmark on his head ) and asked if I wanted a ride home . I declined and kept walking . . . he kept up along side of me . Came up again and was all like , " come on " kept following me . I was never so afraid of anything in my life . He wouldn 't leave me alone ! I was only 13 / 14 years old . I ended up cutting through the grass and made a run across the main road ( hwy ) to the opposite side of traffic and ran the rest of the way home ! My mom called the cops . Laura Kayanovelreview This book sounds intriguing . I hope I win it ! Nothing really scary happened to me in high school or college . Except that when I was in college I tried to get my hair cut like Reese Witherspoon 's in Sweet Home Alabama and I ended up with Carol Brady 's haircut instead . YIKES ! - Amanda Leigh Both of my scary times involve blizzards . . . 1 ) on a ski trip on a bus from minnesota to montana in high school . There was a blizzard going on as we were winding up a mountain on an icy narrow road with no guardrails & they played a movie about a group of skiers getting lost in the mountains & having to resort to canibalism . OR 2 ) being in an airplane my 1st time when i was 19 & finally taking off after 2 delays due to blizzards . It was too windy & snowy to land in chicago so the plane circled over lake michigan for an hour . Everytime i looked out the window i saw us plumeting into the frozen water . I haven 't had anything too scary happen , but when I was in early high school . . . and stupid . . . . I let a lady into my house to use the bathroom supposedly and she was in there a long time . When my mom and dad came home they were talking about a woman they saw walking down the street that had been a patient at the psych hospital my dad worked at . It was the same woman I let in the house ! I wanted to slap myself when I realize something very bad might have happened ! Freshman year of undergrad , friends and I explored Bryce , a condemned , abandoned mental hospital in tuscaloosa , AL , at midnight after viewing several horror films in a row . we sneaked in and found many creepy , evil - looking things , but the scariest of all was that we heard LAUGHTER and what sounded like rocks being thrown in the halls above us . - - Gen K . I have the book on my I - NEED - THIS - BOOK - NOW list ! The scariest thing that happened to me was when I was driving home around midnight one night from work on the highway and my headlights turned off . Then all the interior lights turned off , and the radio . Then just as I made it to an exit ramp my car died and I slowly slid down the ramp and the car wouldn 't go back on . I had to get it towed . It was scary ! That sounds interesting . Scariest thing that happened in high school is riding with some friends and a passenger in another car pretended to point a gun at us . Surprisingly , I don 't live in the ghetto . . . just suburbia so it was quite the shock ! 've been dying to read this but haven 't had the money . The scariest thing ? I had a psycho boyfriend and someone told him I had cheated on him ( I hadn 't ) and he kicked in my apartment door with a loaded shotgun . My friend had warned me that he was on his way and I ran out my back door just as he was kicking in the front . After he couldn 't find me he did the same thing to my friends house and he held a knife to her neck because he thought she knew where I was . The police found shotgun shells all over the floor in my house . They couldn 't find him for a week and I was too afraid to go home . He went to jail and I still have the occasional nightmare even though it was back in 1995 . Kristi Marie W . Got to read this book ! Not my normal read but sounds interesting . Honestly nothing to scary happen to me directly in college . However I lived on the 12th floor of the dorms , which was also the highest floor and there were a few girls that jumped out the windows around finals week . I didn 't know any of them personally but it was scary to think that college and the pressures of it had that affect on girls I saw everyday . Once , in my freshman year , I was walking down the main street of my campus late at night , and a guy started following me . I was all by myself , so I called my friends at the apartment I 'd just left , but no one had a car there , and I couldn 't walk back to them without 1 ) walking directly toward the guy and then 2 ) walking down a sparsely populated street . So I just had to keep walking until someone with a car came home and could pick me up . Terrifying . - Bee H . When I was in college , I dated this guy that was crazy ! Needless to say things between us got out of hand and it ended with me locked in the girls bathroom and calling my dad to come to the school to help me out . My dad was pissed and called the cops . OHHHHH ! I have not read a scary book SINCE college ! Sounds fantastic . . . but I 'm not sure I could handle it ! HaHa . . . So scary in college . . . Hurricane Gloria ! We taped up all our windows and then everyone had to sleep on the floor in the hallways AWAY from the windows . Started as a FUN party night - yet we all ended up terrified ! . . . I left the next morning with my car packed with friends and headed to the safty of Mom & Dads ! Thanks MaNiC ! Christine I would LOVE to get my book loving hands on this book ! I really don 't have anything scary but - - - when my grandmother passed away , I was kneeling at her coffin and a woman dressed in all black , kneeled down next to me . She placed her hand on my back and told me , that my grandmother was happy and in peace . When , I went to sit back down with my mom , I asked her who that lady was , since I didn 't recognize her . My mom told me no one had gone up to me adn she had been looking at me the entire time . During college , my husband and I rented a small house that his parents bought and renovated . My husband was working nights at the time , so I would stay up , usually studying , and wait for him to get home most of the time , which was usually around midnight or later . Story had it that the elderly woman that owned the home passed away in it , and her children let the house sit for about 5 years and it was in disrepair when his parents bought it . I have had several experiences in the past with paranormal activity , ghosts if you will , and am a firm believer ! Well , on several occasions I had heard mumbling coming from our bedroom while I was sitting in the living room . I would also hear footsteps in the hall way ( there were hardwood floors ) or someone bumping into the walls while walking down the hall . Our dog would go bananas and would stare in that direction and just low growl . Of course this would get my heart pounding ! So I mentioned the activity to my husband who of course was not a believer of ghosts and would say that I was full of shit ! Needless to say this went on for a few years , and progressively got worse . Our dog had gotten to the point where he would come running out of our bedroom as if something was trying to get him and he would turn around and bark like crazy in the direction of our room . He was even literally chewing a hole in the front door ( wooden ) while we would go to work or class . He was being terrorized while we were gone . So one day while my husband was home , the doorbell rang . Open the door , no one was there . Ok . . . a little strange , but he blows it off . It happened several days in a row . Then the ultimate happened , we had just gone to bed one night , and we heard a noise in the living room like paper being crumbled in someone 's hands . He sat up and asked if I heard it too . . . duh ! He went to investigate and couldn 't figure out what the noise was . The next day I was in the living room and was cleaning off the desk where our computer was , and grabbed an old pharmacy bag that a friend had written me a5 : 44 PM I had seen this book in the list before the contest started and I will have to read this one regardless of whether I win it here or not . A scary thing that happened to me in school was having an unidentified man follow our school bus around from stop to stop while in elementary school . Law enforcement was contact and luckily nothing happened to any of the children . Still scary to think of someone to be so brave to do such a thing . My only scary story was driving home from NIU in Dec and my car braeking down in the middle of nowhere ( just before Rte 47 ) I didn 't have a cell phone and was so scared that someone would kill me I laid down flat so that they thought the car was abandoned . THank goodness the police came before I froze to death . I love a good mystery . Patti COle Crap ! and the most scary thing to happen to me . . . I am horrified of the dark , and one time at work , ( i worked in a restaurant ) my coworkers locked me in the freezer and turned off the lights . I cried and left when I got out . Scariest thing ever . While in high school . . . I was studying or reading in my room late one night , and my bedroom happened to be the only room in the house whose window faced front ( ground floor - ranch style house ) . My parents were in bed sleeping already . I suddenly heard a noise outside my window . . . oh , did I mention we lived out in the country where there is never ANYONE ? But nope - I definitely heard footsteps in the rocks outside my bedroom window . Then , I heard a voice saying , " Alli . . . Alli ! " Needless to say , I was freaked out ! ! ( I did not have any nighttime suitors that would sneak around my house , after midnight on a weeknight especially ! ) I ran into my parents ' room and roused my dad out of bed . He grabbed his gun ( we lived in Wyoming , ok ? ! ) and headed towards the front door , still only in his underwear ( funny , in the midst of all the spookiness ! ) He opened the front door , and there was . . . my younger brother ! ! He had gone out to get something from his truck , and had found himself locked out when he tried to come back inside ! Oh , yes , my parents had changed the locks that day and my brother had either not received his new key , or forgot it inside ! He was trying to get me to let him back in without waking my parents ! ! Once my heart slowed back down it really was a humorous story . Anyway - this one does NOT sound so humorous . . . but does sound GREAT ! Cannot wait to read it ! ! Alli M . Jones The scariest thing that 's happened to me took place a handful of summers ago when I worked as a camp counselor . I put my fingers into the hole of a roll of toilet paper to get it down from the window sill . . . and touched something crunchy . The next thing I knew there was a spider running up my bare arm . CariLynn hmmmmm . . . . . my memory is horrible . I just remember hating to be alone at night when I was that age . I would sometimes have to go turn the water off in the garden late at night . . . and hated the tall corn . . . . in the dark . eeekkk . . . . . I can 't remember anything that was really scarey at that time . But to me it was always scary when I thought I was not prepared for a test . I know this doesn 't seem scary to anyone else , but it 's the best I can do ! ! In college , I was ( past tense , yes ) a hot number and dated quite a bit . One young man got serious about our relationship pretty fast and when he proposed I laughed . He was embarrassed and proceeded to trash the hall of my dorm and carved the name of my new boyfriend on my room door . Well , my turnaround rate was quick ! Needless to say he was kicked out of school but continued to stalk me for a while . That was frightening but I guess he got bored and eventually quit ! Ah , the good old days ( being skinny ) . . . . . . . . . . . Wendi fr Louisiana In high school while out TPing houses with the girls from my softball team one summer , we ended up scared out of our minds . On our way to one house on a warm summer night with the top down on the jeep , we slowed down turning down a road and head a LOUD scream from behind the car . When we turned to see what it was some guy dressed in a wolf costume jumped out of the bushes and started chasing our car . To make matters worse when we headed home for the night , pulling into the drive way we saw what our hysterical minds thought was a dead body in the driveway , we all ran screaming straight into the house . . . . it turned out to me a neighbor passed out drunk in the drive way . Needless to say , we did not attemp any more TPing events that summer ! I was an RA in college . . . so scary things happened pretty much every time I was on duty . The scariest one , though , was when a high school recruit was staying in our building . My co - worker and I ended up finding her passed out on the bathroom floor . We couldn 't wake her up and had to end up calling the police and our campus security . She still wasn 't awake by the time the ambulance took her away . Because of anonymity I sill don 't know what happened to her to this day . NicoleMG from CT The first memory that comes to mind is when I was working as a hostess at a bar / restaurant when I was 19 . One weekend in the spring , there was a large party celebrating a 40th birthday party . Being a bar , there were quite a few people who were drinking . I was being constantly hit on and grabbed by a man at least twice my age who was asking me things like how old I was and my phone number , etc . I was trying to jovially play it off , but he kept coming up to me until the point where I reached a level of extreme discomfort . I told my boss ( the owner ) and he actually had the bouncer forcibly remove this guy . The guy stumbled back in an hour later , slurring , yelling and all that . When I finished my shift that night , I had to be walked to my car for my " safety " . It seriously creeped me out . The scariest thing I remember is coming home from school alone and a neighbor was in the house . He had broken in but took off like a shot when I turned up . Every time I saw him after that I was scared . ~ MommyMer ooooo - I am so excited to read this book ! I absolutely LOVE Kasischke 's book The Life Before Her Eyes - one of the few books that I have read over and over again . And the movie is awesome too ! ! When I was in younger , a bunch of us were at a sleepover and we were watching The Birds by Hitchcock . A few of the girls slipped outside and at just the right moment , they started pounding on the windows . Wow ! We all jumped and screamed and I ended up in someone 's lap . It scared the s * * * out of all of us ! And then we laughed our heads off ! Thanks for your giveaways ! Suzebomb Really , really want to read this one . Read In A Perfect World not long ago and it was very good . Scariest thing : while I was renting a room in an elderly lady 's house while in college , I kept hearing strange noises in the kitchen next to my room late at night . I finally worked up the courage to investigate and a massive RAT brushed against my foot before disappearing into the pantry . The rat was eventually trapped , but I still moved out . I 'll keep it short ( but not so sweet ) . A friend in college liked me more than I him , and started stalking me . I didn 't even want to go to class in the middle of the day . Luckily I worked w / campus police , so he eventually stopped . Well , this was more scary for the people with me than for me . I was waiting to be picked up from a high school football game ( I was in the band ) , and my step - dad was really late . When he finally showed up , I crossed a drive to get to the car and another car sped out of nowhere right past me . I guess it looked like it was going to hit me . All I remember was being really , really peeved , and punching his trunk as he sped away . My friends thought I was toast . It sounds so boring when I write it , but my friends would not stop mentioning it . Like I said , scary for them . Boring . . . but freaky . . . my wallet was stolen during Christmas season at the mall while I was working . Someone got into our back room . I spent HOURS canceling everying and found my checkbook and a few other items in the trash . . . I was in college living in my sorority house where I slept in an open air dorm with about 20 other girls . One night while lying in bed I kept seeing strange shadows in the corner of the room . I got it in my head that the shadows were from bats . I was terrified to fall asleep and too scared to get out of bed to check it out so I just laid there with the covers over my head all night . It turns out it was nothing but my imagination freaked me out one night ! This book sounds so good . I hate scary movies but love a good thriller book ! I cant really say anything too scary happened to me in high school or college , like the characters in the book I grew up and went to college in the midwest . The difference being , nothing exciting ever happened ! Angelini197 @ Amy R : I totally know what you mean . I know it 's petty , but , it 's just one of those quirks that make me special . Or nuts . I always meet people and they ask where you 're from ( Chicago ) and they say they are and I say " oh really , where ? " and I get " Bannockburn " or " Lake Villa . " I don 't even know where those places are , lol ! When I was in HS a group of friends and I were walking to a friends house . We were walking through this park / wildlife area by the river , after dark . We were stopped by some cops asking us a bunch of questions . They then offered to give us a ride to our friends house in the police cruiser . But , we didn 't know why all of this was happening . We later found out that a classmate of ours had been found murdered and her body had been found under a bridge by the river . It was by far one of the scariest thing to happen to me in HS and actually one of the scariest in life ! Whew ! Thought I missed it being gone all weekend . In high school , the night before my family moved from Delaware to Texas , my sisters and our best friend piled into our car . We were driving the backroads , reminising about the crazy things we had done over the years . As we were driving around we started laughing about all the crazy legends from the area , including one about the " Devil 's Tree " . So we went on a hunt to find this tree . Legend has it that back in the colonial days , a woman delivered a stillborn baby here and that as soon as the baby was born , it was taken by the roots of tree , never to be seen again . This apparently is also where unwed mothers buried their babies . Supposedly you can hear the babies crying as you go by the tree . Well we drove by the tree , completely creeped out , windows down and very very slowly . Nothing of course happened , but we were still creeped out . About 30 minutes later , on another road , a black cat crossed the road , which we all screamed about then laughed for our silliness , but the scariest part was when we turned down a foggy road and nearly hit a pedestrian in a floppy brown hat and dressed like a vagabond from the earlier part of the century . Suffice to say after that we went back to our house , totally creeped out . This isn 't really scary - scary , but more scary - cool . I lost my class ring when I was a sr in HS and I was so bummed , plus the fact that I didn 't want to tell my mom and dad ( " that thing was not cheap , you know ! Money doesn 't grow on trees ! . . . " ) About six months later , I was moving bags of clothing around down in our basement and one bag seemed really heavy to me , it wouldn 't budge so I gave it a kick . It was not a Hefty garbage bag apparently , and I kicked a hole in it . Out of the hole came my class ring ! yay me ! Who knows who would have found it if I had not kicked that hole in the bag , prob someone at Goodwill or Salvation Army ! I saw a man fall off a roof . I was completely paralized with fear . He was taken to the hospital and it turns out he passed out from the height . I hope he does his work on the ground now . Debydew110 OMG sounds scary ! I was in a town square in Israel once and the next day the exact town square had a suicide bombing . Pretty scary in retrospect . . . I went to see the Exorcism of Emily Rose with my roommate freshman year of college , and there 's a scene in the movie where the alarm goes off at 2am . The night I went to see the movie , MY alarm went off at 2am , which terrified me . It was probably my roommate playing a trick on me , but she swears she didn 't . So . . . that was scary . I had my first apt with a friend at 18 . We lived on the ground floor of an apartment building . There were a series of break ins and sexual assaults in our neighborhood . Because we were at ground level , we had to keep our windows closed and locked at all times , even though it was a humid Wisconsin summer . Neither of us could be home alone that summer so we always had friends stay over or had to go home to our parents . The scariest night , three of us had to sleep in the same bed as we all swore we could hear someone trying to open the windows ! Ug . . . this one is tough for me to write . In college my apartment was broken into 3 times , by the guy that came to install my cabel . Go ahead and laugh . . . he still calls my cell phone to this day ( I 've got it blocked , but I can see it on my cell bill ) . He broke in 3 times , never stole anything , just let my little kitty out once . CREAPY ! Needless to say , I quickly moved out after confessing that I 'd hidden the first to incidents from my parents . They would have made me move back home IMMEDIATELY ! It was really scary . . . and I 've been crazy about locking doors and leaving lights on ever since ! I cannot think of a scary thing that happened in either HS or college . the worst was probably the guy that I was convinced was the " one " ( drummer , long hair , parents totally hated him ) . Oh thank goodness I wised up after 2 1 / 2 years . LeslieGC I didn 't really have anything scary to me happen . . . ever . But if I had to choose , I 'd guess it would be going on adventures to haunted houses in high school with my friends . I don 't believe in paranormal activity , but I some places were very creepy . When I was in college I 'd try get home for the ocassional weekend by taking the bus . I was standing there one evening waiting when a guy came up and hit me across the face then ran off . Scary . . you bet ! Sounds like an awesome book . The scariest thing that ever happened to me was probably the summer after my freshman year of college . I was home for the summer , staying in my old bedroom . I was awakened one night by knocking on my bedroom window . At first I thought it was a dream , but after I woke up enough to understand what was going on I heard it again , so I was SURE someone was actually knocking on the window . However , I am a complete weenie when it comes to things that go bump in the night , so I just laid in bed for a few minutes letting my heart rate go back down . . . when I finally got up the nerve to get up and take a look there was no one / nothing there . I 'm FAIRLY certain it was a boy from high school that I 'd had to cut out of my life due to some crazy stalker - ish behavior . . . but I 'll never know for sure . Scariest thing to ever happen to me was a June bug . LOL One of my friends caught it in my house & instead of throwing it outside , threw it at me . : ( It landed on my sock & I immediately ran outside jumping up & down while pushing on my sock to get it off . When I assumed it had to be gone now I went inside & then my dad points out that it 's just on my sock still . I re - freaked out & made someone take it off my foot . I 'm a chicken ! ! LOL It wasn 't really that scary of a story but me and my friends were hoping it would be . We drove out to an abandoned hospital one night that was supposedly haunted . It took us an hour to get up the nerve to go inside and when we finally did our fears quickly faded when we discovered disgarded soda cans , chip bags , and cigarettes . I was really disappointed that it wasn 't haunted and was just a hangout for other kids . Sorry to say I can 't think of a scary story . I do remember watching scary movies as a kid and sleeping completely covered in my blankets with the hopes that the murderers knife would not permeate the covers . LOL ! ! Brenda L B On the way to school one day ( high school ) my brother and I got in a car accident . The drunk driver had jumped across a median on a six lane road and was heading the wrong way in my lane . Luckily I was able to get out of the way ( we both swerved at ther same time ) so the only damage was to the vehicle we were in . The SCARIER thing is that when I got to school later that morning , my best friend told me she had dreamed that I got in a car accident . Hey ! Pick up the phone and call next time you have a dream like that ok ? ? LisaP When I was in high school , we had a " haunted house " close by , where the brutal murder of a family had taken place in the 80 's , and was called " the Cooper house " , after the name of the murderer . It was the place a lot of teenagers liked to take a trip to , at night , in the dark - since you couldn 't visit it openly , it was considered trespassing . I was never interested in going there , but one day a bunch of us were staying over late for Drama practice , and afterward every one decided it would be like a dare to go . I was indifferent , but went along . When we went up Old English Road , I suddenly felt extremely uneasy - when we got there , it was just like any other house , really , except it exuded the aura of being incredibly mysterious . We rounded out towards the part of the house where the murders took place , and peered in through the glass , and that 's when I saw the shadow of a man , a clean outline of a man in the room 's doorway ( leading to the hall ) . It scared me SO much , I passed out . When I came to , my friends were all like , " What happened ? " , I tried to explain it , and they looked everywhere ( peering in through every window , possible ) but could find no one inside . To this day , I do not know if it was an actual shadow , or just a figment of my imagination - but I now stay away from Old English Road ! ! ! By the way , this book sounds like an amazing mystery , and since " adult fiction " and " mystery / thrillers " are my two favorite genres , this is definitely going in my TBR list ! : D ~ Hira ~ ( Enamored Soul ) THANK YOU ALL FOR COMMENTING ! NO COMMENTS AFTER THIS COMMENT WILL QUALIFY FOR THIS BOOK ! THANK YOU ! CHECK OUT THE NEXT BOOKS OFFERED FOR THE BOOK - A - DAY GIVEAWAY ! THANKS , MANIC MOMMY 9 : 27 PM |
Rocky has been so excited for the past few weeks , wanting to come home with us . Each time I leave her at the kennel , it gets harder and harder , because she so clearly wants to get in the truck with me at the end of our training session . So I 'd like to tell you that thanks to all these hours of work , the entire experience went off without a hitch . But that would be more than an exaggeration . It would be a bold - face lie . OK , parts of it were fantastic . Really fantastic . Rocky and Malaki got along great . No animosity at all . They were both off leash the entire visit ( Tuesday 7 p . m . to Wednesday 1 p . m . ) , and had not a single incident . She and Malaki raced around in the dog yard , and it appears they may become buddies . Won 't that be grand ? But as soon as we arrived , Rocky went into cat obsession again , despite our training session with Bailey . It wasn 't quite as bad as before , but she was jacked up and fixated . Part of it is that this is all so new . She 's been living at a kennel . So I thought , " I know . I 'll take her for a walk to burn off some of that excess energy . " Good idea , but not completely thought out . She was thrilled to go for a walk . But as soon as we hit the road outside our house , I realized our nemeses : bunnies . We live in a subdivision where each house has over an acre of land , so it feels very rural . Within a few feet , the little desert rabbits that abound here started popping out left and right . On our twenty - five minute walk , we must have seen at least two dozen , maybe more . Rocky went crazy , straining at the leash . To save my left shoulder from being wrenched out of the socket , I had to pass the leash behind my hips , and brace with my full body to stop her pulling . We also had quail , doves , and lizards to contend with . It was a marathon session of " AHHT ! " " Leave it ! " and " Easy . " The good news is that Rocky did not respond at all to the barking dogs we passed , or the cars , or the people . Which lets me know that this is about exposure . She has been exposed to dogs , cars , and people . But not to bunnies , quails , or lizards . More walks ahead . Back at the house , exhausted , I got water for myself , and watched Rocky tank up on water . Laurie at American Service Dogs had told me that Rocky hadn 't eaten much of her dinner , so I tried to offer her some of her dry food , but she wouldn 't eat . I eventually offered her some from my hand . She ate a couple of handfuls , but that was all . We continued to keep an eye on cat interactions . Dozer strolled around in Rocky 's presence throughout the visit , and batted her whenever she got pushy . Kenji also allowed close contact , and bopped her on the nose when Rocky was a little too inquisitive . Little Bit hid the whole time - but that 's Little Bit . It takes her a while with everyone . There was one incident in the dog yard , late at night , when Rocky was way out in the distance , and she spotted Dozer and took off in pursuit . Dozer ran full out for the dog door . I grabbed Rocky right at the entrance and slammed her down , with a huge , loud " AHHT ! " I 'm hoping the message got across . She also had some really nice moments of being relaxed and calm . We all sat in the living room and watched TV for an hour , Rocky lying peacefully right at my side . She spent some time resting beside me in my writing studio . Yes , very good . And at bedtime , believe it or not , Rocky was in a pile of bodies on our king - sized bed : . me and Sabrina , Ripley and Malaki , and Rocky . And then who comes prancing into the mix , but Dozer ! Rocky became alert , then realized , " Oh . I guess it 's just that cat . " She went back to sleep . We 're going to be able to work this out . The next day , I tried to offer her breakfast , and she again refused to eat . Then Sabrina said , " Ha ! No wonder she 's not hungry ! Did you look at the cat food bowl ? " Last time Rocky visited , we discovered she is slender enough to go through the cat door into the bathroom where we were keeping the cat food . So we were in the process of moving the feeding station . I thought Sabrina had already moved all of the food . But she had left the large bowl of dry food in that room . And sometime when we were not looking , Rocky had gone in and eaten the entire bowl ! At 9 a . m . a workman came over to give us an estimate about repairing the trellis in our atrium . We were sitting with the dogs on the front patio area of our house when he arrived . The patio is bordered by a four foot rock wall . As he pulled up in his truck , Rocky leapt up onto the top of the rock wall ! Sabrina stood up and yelled , and Rocky jumped back down , on our side . OK , now we know she can jump over . Great . ( The dog yard has a six - foot chain link fence . ) I thought the workman was only here to talk ideas and give a quote . I took Ripley and Rocky into my writing studio , and left Sabrina with him . Both dogs were relaxing quietly with me , while I did some work . I vaguely became aware of a drilling / sawing sound , but it didn 't fully register . Suddenly Sabrina came to my door , and said , " Where 's Rocky ? " I said , " What ? " She said , " The front door was open . " The workman had actually started to take down the trellis , using an electric saw , and the sound frightened Rocky . Sabrina and he were removing lumber through the door , and had left it open . I hadn 't noticed that Rocky had left the studio . I started frantically searching first the house , and then the backyard , while Sabrina went out to the front , both of us calling her name . When I fully realized she was not in the house or in our yard , I panicked . She wasn 't wearing any ID tags or anything . I ran out the front door , and heard Sabrina yelling for her . As I got to the end of the driveway , Sabrina said , " Rocky ! Come here ! " I could tell by her tone of voice that she could see Rocky . I looked up and saw my dog , two houses down the road . I yelled , " Rocky ! Come ! " She ran straight to me , and I knelt in the dirt , embracing her . Oh my god . I can 't even tell you . It 's funny - the more I work with Rocky , the more I realize how I have come to take so many things about Ripley for granted . I 've mentioned before that Rocky is learning how to heel without running into me . Well , she also loves riding in the truck - GOING places ! What that means is that she has a tendency to push ahead when a gate or door is opened . At her second home visit , which was last Friday , I wasn 't anticipating it . When I opened our front gate , she bolted through . I dropped my water bottle , wrenched my shoulder , and my cane went crashing to the ground . I had a brief flash of anger , before calming myself with this thought : " OK . Something to work on . Walking through gates and doors . " Because , you see , I haven 't had to do this for years . Ripley waits calmly at every door , every time . It 's hard to remember those first months , when she was trying my patience . I have to remind myself there is a learning curve . That Ripley , just like Rocky , screwed up in the beginning . Rocky really does want to please . She wants to do a good job . I 'm the one who needs to stay centered , and remember that each lesson must be repeated multiple times in order for her to have success . Jared , the head trainer , went on vacation last week , so we worked with a different trainer for the first time - Luke Nail . The unofficial theme of the day was distractions . First , we had classmates . Lately , Rocky and I have often been the only team working . But on Tuesday , we were joined by puppy Harper , a squirming little five - month - old bundle of excitement with her two people , and Fling , who we 've hung out with before . ( And I should know the handlers ' names by now , but I still don 't . I 'll learn them ! ) Fling and Harper worked on their commands , at their levels , while Luke upped the ante a bit for me and Rocky . We were mostly focusing on sit / stay and down / stay . But instead of just extending either time or distance , Luke added some extra challenges . While I stood at the end of the leash with Rocky in a stay , Luke had me pace back and forth . Then he had me walk past Rocky , until I was behind her , leaving her in the stay . Finally , I gave a " Rocky , come ! " command from behind . All of this she executed beautifully . Now came the really creative part . Luke asked me to put Rocky in a down / stay , and then walk away and drop the leash while keeping her attention . First he threw a couple Pup - Peroni sticks near her . She didn 't budge . Good dog . Then he grabbed a small plastic bag , and started tossing random things in her vicinity : bolts , glue bottles , other clunky metal pieces . She glanced at them , but didn 't break position . Luke picked up a hat , lofted it through the air , and it landed near her . No startle response . I was impressed . Then he came up behind her , and clapped his hands loudly . Rocky jumped to her feet . Whoops . Luke said , " OK , that was a fail . Let 's bring her back to a success . " I put her back in down / stay , and we did a couple more dropped objects , then a softer hand clap , which she was good with . Now , why is this all an important part of training ? Let 's say I 'm in a restaurant , and my service dog is under the table . My cane is leaning against my chair , and it slips , and crashes to the ground . If my dog startles , she might jump up , and knock against the table hard enough to upset drinks . You get the idea . A dog should be able to respond appropriately . Real danger - react . Loud sounds or nearby objects that are not danger - stay calm . On Friday , Jared returned from vacation , and we did more movement work . But once again , distraction training entered into the picture . This time , instead of simply having me walk in a circle and ask Rocky to focus on heeling appropriately , Jared stood in the center of the room and tossed out small treats in our path . So as I attempted to keep Rocky 's gaze on me , I also had to check each downward glance towards one of those tempting Pup - Peroni pieces . We were pretty exhausted that night , because we had done cat training earlier in the day , and then had gone home to test our new skills for three hours , before returning to the kennel for the evening 's class . So neither of us were in top form . I have to admit - Rocky ate quite a few of those treats . After hearing about our first home visit last week , where Rocky spent the entire time straining at her leash and on tiptoe , cat hunting , trainer Jared Latham at American Service Dogs said , " Bring me a cat . " Well , we have several to choose from . Dozer isn 't a good option , because he simply doesn 't care ; too nonchalant . Kenji is equally unfit , because he 's smart enough to freeze ; a cat that doesn 't move won 't stimulate enough interest . Little Bit is certainly pissy enough . A little too pissy . Neither one of us wanted to lose a limb in the process . She also has a bad habit of peeing all over you when she 's stressed , and we didn 't really want to add that to the afternoon 's agenda . So Bailey seemed the obvious candidate . Bailey is the same age as Ripley ; well , actually her senior by about two months . She turned eleven in March . So she 's the grande dame in the household . She has always been regal and rather aloof , not much into the whole petting , lap - sitting thing . In fact , she 's not very interested in humans , except for their obvious usefulness as providers of food . There are only two instances where she asks for human touch : one , when you are sitting on the toilet , and she rubs against your legs , asking for head scratches ; and two , when you are in bed , and she cuddles against your feet . Be warned , though - if it gets hot , and one has the audacity to stick one 's feet out from under the covers , Bailey does not hesitate to bite your toes for that rude disturbance . She does , though , like dogs . She was completely enamored of our little Catahoula - cross , Houla , who passed away a few years ago . Now , she is infatuated with Malaki , our pit - boxer cross . She rubs up against him , cuddles with him , loves to groom his face . We arrived at American Service Dogs with Bailey in the cat carrier , and went back to Jared 's office . Rocky , Sabrina , Jared , Bailey and I were all in the small room , ready for cat training . At first , Jared had us leave Bailey in the carrier , and I had Rocky on leash . My job was to walk Rocky around the room and correct her whenever she looked at the carrier . One time Jared used a spray bottle as a correction . After that , it was just me , " AHHT " voice corrections , and leash tugs . Rocky 's eyes kept going back to the carrier , but eventually I managed to convince her this was off limits , and she went into a down / stay right in front of the carrier , eyes averted . We went back to the small office , for the real test . Jared let Bailey out of the carrier . Of course , as I knew she would , Bailey immediately went under the sofa . Since we wanted her to stay visible , Jared got down on the floor and reached underneath to grab her . Even as he did it , I thought to myself , " Oops . This is not going to end well . " He pulled back his hand suddenly and yelped , " Hey ! She bit me ! " One of the rules with cats : When they are hiding , do not reach underneath into said hiding place bare - handed to grab . You don 't know what end you are going to get , and they have a much better turning radius than you do . You are going to lose . When we are trying to flush out a cat , we use either a squirt bottle , or a stick ( broom stick , yard stick , etc . ) I handed Jared my cane . " Try this . " He swept it underneath the couch , and Bailey popped out the other side , coming up to the top of the couch . Now she remained in our sight , and I was able to work more with Rocky , who was interested ( OK , very interested ) , but managed to stay in her down / stay position with some effort . Bailey took control at this point . Parading her diva self around the room , she made it very clear that she was in charge , she would not be intimidated , and this dog had better learn some manners . She strolled right past Rocky at one point , and sat just inches away from her . By the end of the session , I was able to let Rocky off leash , and she walked slowly over to Bailey , without aggression , and gave her friendly , respectful face licks . Just a couple . Then she retreated . No one got clawed or hissed at . No one got chased or terrified . Bailey returned to her carrier with dignity . While Ripley and I were in California in June , we spent ten of our eighteen days camping out at my good friend Wendy Dayton 's house . The visit didn 't go quite as planned - Wendy was to be my wheels for the duration ( as she often had been before I left California ) , and we had a list of fun activities on the agenda . But the night before I flew out of New Mexico , she texted me at about 10 p . m . - " Houston , we have a problem . " She was at the emergency room , waiting to have x - rays of her foot . While dusting cobwebs out of the spare bedroom ( where I was to stay ) , she had stepped down off of a bed , fallen , twisted her ankle - and , yes in deedy , broken a bone in her foot . Oops . The right foot , of course , which meant she couldn 't drive . So , after frantic rearranging ( figuring out an airporter bus , how to get to her house , etc . , etc . ) , I did safely arrive at Wendy central , to find her in her very stylish big boot . Here I was , the friend who could be so helpful . She is a single woman living alone with three dogs who is suddenly stranded for six weeks . I am the house guest with one more dog , who can 't drive either . Aren 't we a party waiting to happen ? Our plans needed to be altered ; somehow we managed , thanks to Uber , the goodwill of friends , former paid drivers of mine , and pizza delivery . And , of course , a sense of humor . Shanti is Ripley 's age ; they 've known each other forever , with many shared visits to the dog park over the years . She 's white and black , sleek and fast , despite her advancing years , and loves to chase balls . Although completely sweet , she still , when excited ( such as when you first walk in the door ) , jumps up on people . Ruby , the little white moppet , is only about four , and thinks she rules the roost . Mostly this shows up when the other dogs try to play , and she attempts to stir up trouble by getting in the middle . Titus is the youngest , a brown and white complete hooligan , lovable but with quite a few bad habits , which include barking at all who go by the house , barking when anyone is talking on the phone , barking in general , chasing all cleaning implements ( while barking ) , and jumping up on the back of people 's legs repeatedly . And , all three of them love to rush out to the back yard to bark , whenever that opportunity arises . When we would come in the front door , we would be greeted by a cacophony of barking , and Wendy would have to use the door and her legs to push the dogs back in order to enter . We didn 't even try with the pizza delivery guy . Wendy put the money outside with an envelope , and a note to leave the pizza on the porch . It would have been utter chaos otherwise . At one point , a neighbor came by to speak to Wendy about repairing a fence , and the poor man was drowned in barking , until Wendy was finally able to push her way through the dog body mass to get outside to find out what he wanted . Let me stress : These are not bad dogs . They are all wonderful dogs . They simply have some not so desirable habits . And since I had nothing better to do , I thought , why not try out some of the dog training techniques I have been learning ? So , while Wendy was at work , I began with the very basic command that Jared Latham of American Service Dogs had taught me for correction : " AHHT ! " It 's a stern , guttural correction that gets a dog 's attention . You say it , then follow it with whatever your command is . When the dog responds , then you give praise . Every time Titus barked , I barked right back . " AHHT ! " He startled . And stopped barking . Immediately . If Shanti jumped on me , I said , " AHHT ! Off ! " Then I ignored her until she came up to me respectfully . When Titus jumped on the back of my legs , I raised my leg up backwards , pushing him off , and said , " AHHT ! Off ! " When Ruby went running right into everybody 's business , I said , " AHHT ! " There was a lot of " AHHT " - ing going on those first few days . But it worked . Miraculously . After four days , I left the house with a friend , who came to pick me up for coffee . When I returned , I put the key in the lock , opened the door … and was greeted by three silent dogs , tails wagging . Not a single bark . So let me confess . I had a little fantasy going on . I had really been looking forward to this day . Since I first met Rocky in May , I 've been waiting for the moment when she could come to our house , thinking about what it would be like for her , building up a little dream image . We 'd come in , she 'd look around , it would feel like home . She 'd feel relaxed and safe . We 'd lounge around , letting her get used to things , and I 'd take a gazillion pictures . It would go so well , that our next visit would be an overnight one . I had it all planned . See , we have four adult cats in the house , and four foster kittens in a kitty cage in Sabrina 's office , and our whole house must smell feline , and obviously , to Rocky , this is entirely new . Because from the moment she walked in the door , she was on alert . Her ears were perked , she was leaning forward , she was practically standing on her tiptoes . Where are these mysterious creatures ? She paraded through the entire house , with me at the end of the leash . We got to the atrium , and there was Dozer , our most nonchalant cat , half asleep in a corner . Now , she met Dozer once , at the kennel , back in May . But that was two months ago , and apparently erased from her doggy brain . Rocky approached , fascinated . She got a little too close , poking her nose right into him . He turned into hissy cat for a moment , and scooted out of the way . Rocky strained at the leash while I tried to correct . We went into the living room for a time out . Dozer leapt up to the top of the cat tree in the same room , just a few feet away , curled into a ball , and fell asleep . Rocky sat at my feet , intently watching . I decided a short walk was in order . We strolled through the house again . I stopped in my writing studio . Kenji , the white and black cat , was asleep on a dog bed there . I let Rocky approach . Kenji didn 't move . That went fine , because a still cat isn 't nearly as interesting as a moving cat . Kenji blinked twice , I let Rocky sniff from a distance of about 18 inches , and we went back to the hallway . Then Bailey , our grey cat , happened to wander by , unaware . Rocky lunged for her , and Bailey turned into a fuzzed up ball of spitting frenzy . This time , I didn 't kid around . I yelled out a huge " AHHT ! " and gave a stern leash correction . Rocky sat at my feet immediately , subdued . Okay . That was better . We went back to the living room to sit for a break . Meanwhile , Malaki , our pit cross , was chilling out with Sabrina . He had been our major worry ; Sabrina had him on a leash the whole time , to ensure that he was behaving during the visit . He , of course , was looking like an angel , resting quietly , while Rocky was the one that was behaving like a maniac . Ripley was in the bedroom on the bed . I brought Rocky in there to say hi , coaxing her up , not sure how that would be . They had no trouble lying next to each other . But then , a sound . CAT ! Sure enough , that 's where Little Bit , our tawny cat was hiding - under the bed . Rocky jumped off and went to the side , peering underneath . OK , this isn 't a good spot either . Exit bedroom , to the sound of yet another hissing cat . Rocky and I went in search of Sabrina and Malaki , who were now in Sabrina 's office . With the kittens . I came in and sat in a chair some distance from the kittens ' cage , and placed Rocky in a down / stay on the other side of me , so she was away from the cage . Malaki loves the kittens , and they are used to him . This is a new batch of fosters ; they have only been with us a couple of weeks , and are rather feral . As soon as Rocky entered the room , they went crazy . Even though she was lying down , they turned into spluttering hissy balls of fur , and began dashing around the cage in a frenzy . We didn 't stay long . We went out to the atrium , Rocky now a hyper , excited mess . Malaki was lying down next to her , on leash . Rocky was also on leash , but pacing . She kept stepping back and forth , over Malaki . He finally had had enough , and he snapped at her . Rocky immediately chilled out , coming over to lie down at my side . A three hour visit , that 's all it was . I was exhausted . We were exhausted . Then we left to go to the kennel for an hour of training . Rocky and I were both so tired we were loopy during the training exercises . Not to worry . All part of the process , right ? Next Friday , Bailey the grey cat is coming to the kennel with us . To teach Rocky to respect cats . Wish us luck . ( I am finally caught up ! Well , practically . This post is for last night 's training session . From here on out , we 'll be in REAL TIME ! ) As 6 p . m . approached , time for our training session at American Service Dogs , I almost called to cancel . I was feeling that rotten . But then I thought , no , that doesn 't make sense . Rocky needs to see me when I 'm at my best - and at my worst . Because that 's what she is going to have to learn how to do ; read my body language , and know what I need from her . I can 't teach that if I only show up on good days . So Ripley , Sabrina and I got into the truck and headed out . Jared Latham , our trainer , could tell right away I wasn 't at the top of my game . But he said , " That 's OK . We 'll go ahead with the movement work , and just take it at your pace . Let me know when you need to rest . " He also said it would be good for Rocky , because she would have to learn to adjust her pace to mine . I began to walk around the room in a circle , as I had done two days before , this time using my cane . I was feeling very weak , so I was walking incredibly slowly . It was like watching super slo - mo , a grandma shuffle . Rocky was at heel on my left . At first , she had no idea what to do . The pace was so much slower than what we had used on Tuesday that she was completely thrown off . She couldn 't tell what her role was . I would take a step , and she would sit down before I took my next step . So she was bopping up and down between a step and a sit , in between my shuffles . Then she did downward dog stretches between a couple of my steps . After that , once or twice she simply laid down , waiting for me to catch up . Jared told me to keep giving her the command " Easy , " reminding Rocky to hold back , stay in step with me . At the beginning , we were the only ones in class . But then the little shepherd Fling arrived , with her handler . They stepped into the center of the circle , and started working on basic commands . We interspersed our glacial walking with right circles , left circles , and U - turns , and occasional sit / stays and down / stays . Gradually , Rocky fell into step with me , got into rhythm . Now her biggest problem was when our circle passed one of the other dogs in the room - Ripley or Fling . Rocky likes dogs . She 's social . She wants to veer out , say hi . Jared helped me to do small corrections , keeping Rocky 's focus on me , adjusting her attention , while at the same time keeping her pace at my pace . I would like to say at this point how much I appreciate Jared , and how much I am learning from him . That 's Jared , the photo up top . I hope at a later date to interview him to find out more details about his background . For now , I can tell you he received his initial dog training from his service in the Army , where he worked with bomb dogs . He left the service because a bomb went off too close to him , and he has TBI ( traumatic brain injury ) . It affects his short - term memory ( among other things ) , and he compensates by keeping everything written down , logged , relying heavily on his iPhone , iMac , etc . ( He 's a Mac guy , through and through . ) The Army used to be very focused on more punitive dog training : choke collars , adverse conditioning . But they learned in more recent years that wasn 't so effective , and have moved towards more positive reinforcement . In addition to training service dogs , Jared helps many people in Las Cruces deal with aggressive dogs . He uses that combination : strictness when necessary , lots of rewards and praise when that is enough . As I work with Rocky , Jared often walks quietly along beside me , and at just the right moment , tells me when I can give a slight corrective tug to the leash , or reminds me to give a verbal command , so Rocky knows what is coming next . He also acknowledges the times I have done something correctly , noticing when I catch Rocky just before she breaks out of her sit during a stay , or starts to wander , which reinforces my self confidence . I feel as if every day I am adding tools to my kit , building my knowledge base . One last thing about this night : When I arrive , Rocky almost always runs to greet us . But it is usually Ripley she goes to initially , not me . She loves other dogs , and has included Ripley in her circle of friends . Then she 'll turn to me and say hi . At the end of training on Tuesday , though , something different happened . I was exhausted . Laurie , the kennel helper , asked if I was done , and I said yes , and handed her Rocky 's leash . Laurie turned , and she and Rocky walked all the way to the door of the training room . Then Rocky spun around , and ran to the end of her leash to come back to me . As if she wanted to say goodbye . My heart melted on the spot . Let 's talk about the body part first , since that was the first to occur . On Tuesday , when I came to class , I wasn 't doing too well . We 've had a run of quite a few days now with heat over 100 degrees , and extreme temperatures are one of the triggers for my episodes . I don 't always have full - on paralysis attacks . Sometimes what happens with prolonged exposure to triggers is that I have overall body weakness . I just get wobbly . I have a hard time walking in a straight line , and I need to rest a lot . When that is going on for me , I use a cane to help with balance and support . So on Tuesday , I used my cane in class with Rocky for the first time . Ripley is , of course , very used to my cane , since I use it almost every time we go out on errands . I bring it as a precaution , because even if I feel strong at the outset of a trip , something might come up while we 're in the middle of a store ( fluorescent lights are a trigger ) or while eating in a restaurant ( certain foods are triggers , and I never know when they will affect me ) , and then I need support to be able to walk back out of the building . Or any number of other things . You get the idea . But Rocky had never seen the cane before during training , so I wasn 't sure how she would react . We used to have a little dog named Houla , and she was first adopted from a shelter to be a companion dog for Sabrina 's dad . He was elderly and used a cane . And it turned out she was terrified of canes , for some reason - something from her earlier life . So Sabrina ended up with Houla instead . Since Rocky is also a rescue dog , we really had no idea how she would react . Luckily , I had nothing to worry about . Rocky acted as if the cane had been there all along . We went through a usual class with no problems . In fact , the only issue we had at all that day was towards the end of the class , when we were working on straight line heels . With this command , I was supposed to give Rocky a heel command , walk three steps , then stop , and she was to sit at my side without being told . Initially she was doing great . Then she began doing all her sits backwards - facing Jared , the trainer ! I scolded her and said , " Ignore him . He 's not important . " He laughed and said , " I know , they all do this . They only pay attention to me , and then later they shift all their attention to their handlers , and forget all about me . " On Thursday , I returned , thankfully with a bit more pep , and Jared said it was time to advance to movement work . Up to this point , most of the training has been incremental ; give a command , stop , next command . That 's important in the beginning , but Rocky has all of this down pat , and she is starting to get bored . Now it was time to put it all together into movement , so I spent almost the entire hour of training walking with Rocky heeling at my side . We walked in a circle around the training room , and Jared gave me these commands : circle right ( turn in a tight circle towards the right and then keep walking in the same direction ) , circle left , and ( drat ! can 't remember the exact command ! but - ) turn 180 degrees right and begin walking the opposite direction , or turn 180 degrees left and begin walking the opposite direction . Each time Jared gave one of these commands , I would say , " Rocky , heel . " At first , she bumped into me when I turned . But as the class progressed , she began to watch me , and pay attention to which way I was about to turn . Remember when I said in a previous post that Ripley never runs into me , no matter how erratically I walk ? That 's what this is teaching . Training Rocky to look at me , focus on what I am doing , so when I change direction , she changes direction , too . Throughout these exercises , Jared would occasionally call out another command , such as " Sit " or " Down / Stay . " And wherever we were , we would execute that command . Then we would continue with the circle heeling exercise . Imagine that you 're in the grocery store , walking down an aisle , and you think , " Oh . Right ! I need milk , too . " And you suddenly make a U - turn , to go back to another aisle . Or you walk into a restaurant , and find that there is a crowd of people , and you have to make an abrupt stop , and wait for a table . Your service dog needs to be able to react as quickly as you do , turning , stopping , sitting , waiting , then starting up again , without running into you or anyone else , without getting her leash tangled up , always paying attention . As much as I had been looking forward to my three - week trip to California , I also felt reluctant to go . It seemed I was just starting to make a connection with Rocky , and then I left . Would I have to start all over again ? My first day back with her was on June 28 . We were joined in class by the big Mastiff , Danu , and a new little herding dog named Fling , there for her first day of class . ( It 's funny ; training is just like going to a dog park . I 'm learning the names of all the dogs , but not , so far , the names of the handlers . It 's impossible not to learn the dog names , as every command starts with the name : " Fling , sit . " " Danu , stay . " " Rocky , come . " You get the picture . We started off as always with sits , the most basic command , then worked on sit / stays and down / stays , now up to 10 seconds . Danu was having a " I don 't really want to pay attention to my handler " day , so Jared , our trainer , was assisting with some stern corrections . Add that to the fact that Rocky looked at Jared the entire time we were in the room , and I was getting a little frustrated . It was as if I wasn 't even at the other end of the leash . However , I knew this was mostly because I had been away , and she hadn 't seen me . It was a case of " Who are you again ? " On top of that , I was feeling a bit " whooshy , " which is my short - hand way of saying I was weak and kind of on the edge of having a paralysis attack - which I did not want to happen . ( Not that my preferences have ever mattered in the least . ) To make matters worse , I had forgotten both my cane and my bottle of water . As we moved on to other commands , Jared had me take Rocky into the adjoining training room , so there would be fewer distractions . I worked on straight line heels , where I say , " Heel , " lead off with the left foot , step one step , then stop , and Rocky is supposed to sit at my side . We also practiced " Comes , " where I stand in front of her , step back to the end of a loose leash with her in a sit position , say her name to get her attention , and BEFORE she moves , say , " Come , " and she is supposed to come and sit at my feet . Rocky was doing great on these two exercises - except every time Jared would poke his head in the room , she would do her " sit " backwards , facing him instead of me . Gaw ! Finally , it was the end of class , and we returned to the main room for our last exercise , the extended down / stay , where we stand next to our dogs for about 10 minutes . Sabrina looked at me and said , " Are you OK ? Do you need a chair ? " " I mumbled , " I 'm fine . " The woman working with Fling said , " Are you just saying that ? " To which I had to honestly answer , " Uh , yeah , " as I started to wobble . The kennel assistant , Laurie , and Sabrina both grabbed a chair and brought it to me . I guess it 's not as easy to hide what 's going on as I sometimes think . On July 1 , I returned to training , and Jared asked right away how I was doing . I happily reported I was feeling stronger . I found we were working with Fling again . Her handler immediately said , " You look better today ! " We increased our time on sit / stays and down / stays to one minute , and again worked on name / come commands and straight line heels . By the end of the class , I felt I had made that connection again , and Rocky was working beautifully with me . Jared said he would keep us in the Obedience One group for another week or two , then bump us up to Obedience Two . That means we 'll start moving out into the world , beginning our access training , getting used to people , elevators , electronic doors , cars - all those things a dog is not exposed to when training in a kennel . One of my favorite parts about these nights is this - whenever we enter the training room , Rocky runs up to give Ripley a nose kiss . Usually during the training session , I don 't use treats as a reward , except at the very end for new tasks . This drives Ripley crazy , because she is so food oriented . Why is that other dog getting little cookies ? So as soon as we finish , I walk Rocky over to where Ripley is sitting , next to Sabrina , and give Ripley the " down " command , then reward her with a treat . Rocky always lies down , too , right next to Ripley . Double treat . That 's the way the evening ends - Rocky and Ripley side by side on Ripley 's blanket , with Rocky 's tail wagging madly . * * If you are enjoying these posts about the adventures of Rocky and Ripley , I have a favor to ask of you . Please click on the Calendar / Date icon on the top of the page to open this individual post . Once you have done that , a number of options will appear at the bottom of the page . You can " like " the post , add a comment , check the box below the comment box that says , " Notify me of new posts by email , " or share this post with others via your favorite social media outlet - Facebook , Twitter , Google + , Pinterest , or email . Thanks so much for reading , and dog kisses from Rocky and Ripley ! The biggest travel challenges are always negotiating airports . Ripley and I have flown quite a bit , but still , things tend to get a little interesting . I always contact the airline ahead of time to let them know I will be flying with a service dog . She fits underneath the seat in front of me ( where a bag would go ) , so we don 't get special treatment in that way . Airlines do usually ask that we not take an aisle seat , to guarantee that Ripley does not accidentally impeded traffic , with a tail or paw getting run over by a flight attendant 's beverage cart , for instance . But this time around , I decided to ask for more assistance for the first time ever . I was flying from El Paso to Phoenix , then San Francisco ( SFO ) on the way to California , then from SFO to Los Angeles ( LAX ) , ending in El Paso on the way home . Both ways , I had only an hour for my connecting flights , and the airports in Phoenix and LAX are large . Travel is hard on me , and my body is unpredictable in these circumstances . The last thing I needed was to find myself either weak or partially paralyzed , because I just coming out of a paralysis attack as I was attempting to make that connecting flight . So , at the urging of a friend , I requested a wheelchair escort . I flew American Airlines . The agent I dealt with was fabulous . As soon as I even hinted about my nervousness , she said , " Let 's get you that wheelchair . " All I had to do was get on the plane in El Paso , which is a small airport . In Phoenix , I would be met by an airline employee with a wheelchair , who would take me to my next flight . Then at SFO , another employee would meet me again , and take me to baggage claim . The same arrangements were made for me for my return trip . It all worked beautifully , and I am so grateful , especially since we had delays on the trip home , and I would have been hard pressed to make my connecting flight . I was using my cane , to assist with walking . At the security checkpoint , they took my metal cane , and gave me a wooden one . Ripley and I were sent through the metal detector , and it went off . They asked if it was possible for me to go through alone . " Of course , " I said . We walked back through , I asked Ripley to sit and stay , and then I walked through on my own . No alert . Then I called Ripley through . The machine alerted . I knew it would , because of the metal on her tags and collar . The guard asked if he could pat her down . He did so , while she waited patiently . Then he dusted my hands for bomb - making material ( which almost always happens ) , and we were cleared . I picked up my own cane , and all our other stuff , and we were off . On the first leg of the trip , the El Paso to Phoenix flight , I was seated next to a large Latino man . As soon as I tucked Ripley into her space , he looked at me and said , " Does she bite ? " I reassured him that he was safe , and that Ripley would not bite him . After landing , I forgot my book at my seat , not realizing it until I was at the front of the plane . Apparently , once you reach the front of the aircraft , you can 't go back . The young woman with my wheelchair was waiting for me just outside the door of the plane . She asked me to take a seat , and the flight attendant went back to retrieve my book once all the passengers had deplaned . While we were waiting , the pilot approached us . He took his cell phone out of his pocket to show me a picture of his dog . Then we were off , Ripley trotting along beside me as I was whisked to my next gate in the wheelchair . I got to board first , in the Number 1 category . From Phoenix to SFO , we were in a window seat , next to a very slender woman , with a older man in the aisle seat . We had to wait a bit before take - off , and Ripley got bored of sitting under the seat , and popped up , placing her head on my lap . The man said he loved dogs , and asked if he could take a picture . Then the woman said , " Oh , I want a picture , too ! " General oohing and aahing all around . On our return flight at SFO , when I approached my gate , they called my name , asking me to come forward to identify myself before boarding . They told me they had changed my seat , putting me in the bulkhead , so Ripley and I would have more room . Nice ! Again , I was in Category 1 , because of my " wheelchair " status . When pre - boarding started , a man approached me , and he said he was going to escort me to the plane . He walked down the gangway with me , and he kept saying things like , " It is slightly lower here , " and " There is a turn to the left . " I was puzzled , but didn 't figure it out . As we got to the plane , he said , " She is in Delta 8 . " Then the flight attendant took over , and led me to my seat . As I helped Ripley to settle in , and turned to lift my bag , she looked at me with some confusion and said , " You 're not blind ? " I said , " No . " She said , " Oh . Sorry ! That 's what they told me ! " Well , that was a first ! I was seated next to a nice young doctor from Hong Kong , here doing research . We were delayed , waiting nearly half an hour before take - off . He and I were having a nice chat , when I felt a paralysis episode coming on . I managed to say , " Uh , sorry , " then my head dipped to my chest . He said , " It 's fine . Don 't worry . " I felt lucky to be sitting next to a doctor . He didn 't panic , or call a flight attendant over . Just let me have my time - out , and acted like it was perfectly normal . Whew . Also grateful that it happened while I was on the plane , and not while I was trying to get to a plane . We waited out one final airport in Los Angeles , and the only incident there was this - I was sitting and resting , with Ripley at my feet , when I heard an odd sound . I looked up , and sure enough , someone several feet away was actually making kissy noises , trying to get Ripley 's attention . Seriously ? Here we are , in a completely busy , crazy , loud environment - and this clueless person is purposefully trying to distract my dog ? I sat on the floor , with my legs apart in a vee . She would wander across the room , sniffing around . I called her name , and she would come running , landing in a heap in my lap , or sliding full body between my legs . Then she would just lie there , head over my thigh , luxuriating in the attention . She will blossom in our home , I am sure of it . She is so ready to be with a primary handler , away from the kennel . Ripley was a bit confused by me paying attention to Rocky , not sure what her role was . She wandered over periodically , checking in . I completely understand that she is trying to sort this out . Who is this interloper , taking up space in my lap ? But there was no hostility or aggression . I tried to include her as much as I could , and she had her blanket , her " safe space , " to return to , when Rocky and I were involved with each other . Sabrina was also there to help out . There was a poodle in a kennel in the same room who barked much of the time which was annoying and gave Sabrina a headache so that wasn 't great , but otherwise - the hour was very good . Only one incident . Rocky kept licking one foot . She let me look at her other feet , was very good about letting me touch her body all over . But when I tried to examine the troublesome toe , at first she was OK , but then she got squirrelly , and wouldn 't let me see . Jared , the trainer , came into the room towards the end of the hour , and I asked him about it . He called Rocky over to the couch , and commanded her to give him the foot . She did . He looked at it , and said it was just a scab . But then I noticed she had peed on the floor . Clearly there are some fear issues here . She will do what he tells her to , but only because , at times , he demands it . Jared is a good trainer ; but our styles are different . He sometimes uses a stronger approach than I feel is necessary , and I can tell already that Rocky is as sensitive as Ripley is . Strong is not needed . She will respond to a much lighter approach . One more reason that it will be good for us to have her out of the kennel soon , and in our home , so that I am her primary handler . I had to use to the bathroom before class , and I had Rocky , so I told Sabrina to take Ripley . That was weird for all concerned - for me , to be in a bathroom with another dog , and for Ripley , to let me disappear from her sight . Even in these smallest of things , there are going to be big adjustments for all of us . For our training session , we had two other female classmates , one with a big galoot of a Mastiff , and the other with a young mixed breed , lean but taller than Rocky . From the get - go , it was a difficult night . The Mastiff wasn 't cooperating , so Jared once or twice got his attention with a squirt of canned air , each time scaring the bejesus out of Rocky . After the first blast , Rocky kept trying to avoid Jared , and leave the room , which meant each time one of our exercises landed us near the doorway , she pulled in that direction . Jared was still trying to help the woman with the Mastiff , using verbal corrections , and they tended to be in the middle of the room . So everywhere Rocky and I went , we ran into them , with Rocky shying away . To make matters worse , there was a new kennel helper who was watching the class , and she was doing things such as praising Rocky when she executed a command correctly , or offering suggestions , talking to me , saying , " Jared told me that … . " I was trying to pay attention to Rocky , knowing full well what was going on and what I needed to do , and trying desperately to get Rocky to focus on me . Argh ! By the end of the class , Rocky finally did some really great , attentive " comes . " Jared was talking to me , as I listened out of the corner of my ear , saying , " Yes , good , big praise for that one . " At the the same moment , the kennel helper said , " Good girl , Rocky ! " I had reached my limit . I turned to her and said , " It would be very helpful if you didn 't praise my dog when I am working with her . " She immediately apologized , and stopped her interruptions . After class , we spoke briefly , and I asked her name , said I hadn 't meant to be rude . She said Rocky is her favorite in the kennel , assured me she understood . I also spoke to Jared privately , said , " I hope you didn 't mind ; I had to say that . " He just smiled , said , " She 's new . She 'll learn . It was a hard day . " |
Whenever I write about Swami ( for me He is God ) an inner silence fills me ; I become increasingly aware of myself and my surroundings . It is as if my senses are reborn , facilitating the reception and search for inspiration in the many aspects of my life . The feeling carries me beyond my ordinary senses , and allows me to feel fully the embrace of life caressing my soul , filling me with a divinely beautiful love . When He spoke to me for the very first time I was only 6 month old . I had an experience that left me with a feeling that I wanted to leave this world . Wanted to go home to God and I stopped breathing . Then He said to me in a loving and caring voice : Breathe Heidi , Breathe and live my message ' I was very young when I was first aware of God intervening in my life . I was a little over two years old when I first felt in need of asking for His help . Only a little over two years old ! At such a young age somehow I knew to ask for His help . I knew that I could ask Him anything . When Swami came to my home back in 1995 in Denmark I didn 't know it was Him that has been with me since I was 6 months old . But He gave me an experience where I realized it has been Him all those years and it was so overwhelming for me to realize that I was now facing the Divine Lord directly and who has by His Grace and Love helped me since I was a baby . He confirmed that on my very first trip to Him in 1997 . When I look back on the journey so far I am stunned by all the wonderful experiences with Him , all the wonderful unconditional Love flowing back and forth between His and my heart . He has giving me so much and is still doing it . I speak with Him in my heart very often during the day and this journey has not always been easy . I struggled with the Western view of this kind of love towards God and my travels to Swami visiting Him in Prasanthi or in Whitefield was only because He wanted me to come . Because of this divine contact I have with Him in my heart it wasn 't necessary for me to go there , but if swami asked me to come I went . Sometimes He used me as an example in many situations in the Darshan Hall , in the lineup before Darshan , the surgery in His Divine Hospital . He asked me to wear an orange sari and He knew I didn 't wanted to do it , but He ordered me to do it and I did . Every time I wore this unique sari I was placed in the 1 . Line and many people marked me telling me that only Swami could wear this color . But Swami gave me so much love every time it happened and the harsh voices around me stopped by what he did for me every time . I only wore the orange sari when he told me to . The fear I had inside because of wearing it , was my upbringing in the western lifestyle , but in my heart I was one with Him . He helped through many situations in life that will raise the hair in back of your neck . He saved me from death multiply times . He died for me in the Ashram one night when I was close to a heart attack . The feeling that went through me when I heard what He did , can 't describe my love for Him . ThisHe also came to my to give me a physical heart massage during the night back in 2003 just before I left for Copenhagen . That was an amazing experience as well . When He speaks to me I am often on another level , like I am present elsewhere than in the physical life . The trust in Him and His guidance , He helped me to manifest . I was questioned by people in Denmark , because they thought I couldn 't have this kind of connection with this Divine Lord . That was the culture here . So , I cried and was unhappy and struggled with it , because in my heart I was sure of who He was . And for me to visiting Him - I must have been mad . This wasn 't an easy task for me to deal with . But I followed my heart and felt the Love connection in such a way that I overcame this kind of unpleasant remarks from people who couldn 't comprehend who He really is . To help me through this struggle , He asked me to ask for an interview before visiting Him in 2001 . He knew I didn 't wanna asked Him about that . But Swami kept saying : Ask me Heidi , do it ! When He finally convinced me to ask Him about it He smiled and said yes , I will give you an interview . This interview removed the marking , the feeling of unhappiness and I felt such a Divine Love wavering in my heart . He confirmed to me the heart to heart connection and He also told me to write books and study material about this inner connection with Him in the spiritual heart . The first two books ' Ask God ' published in India and ' Inner wisdom - A personal narration of my encounters with God in my heart ' published in the US has been written without His name in it . Swami asked me to leave out His name , so that others could read them as well . My 3 . book will be about Swami , with His name in it and many of my experiences with Him over the years . When he came to me in July 2012 I knew it was time to write this book and the study material He had told me to write since 2001 . He wants me to teach in the heart to heart connection with Him and He has also giving me the tools to do it . He has been telling me since 1997 to teach and every time He said it I was so humble and told Him that I wasn 't able to do it and He said : You will be ready when it is time . And now the time has arrived . I have just been going through a seriously illness with massive stomach cramps after my returning home from India in 2003 . It was terrible and in the end , it actually gave me darkness in my eyes . I thought of calling for an ambulance . But instead of reaching for the telephone , I subconsciously reached out for the vibuthi that I had brought back from India I immediately took the doses as prescribed by Swami in my heat . Swami said that I had to rest for an hour after taking this dose of vibuthi . The cramps reduced so much that I was able to sit up and was actually walk around carefully . I knew immediately that the vibuthi had helped me . To that Swami replied : " The holy vibuthi has saved your life . The hospital couldn 't have done anything at all for you " . He is the doctor and His vibuthi is the cure . I once was put in a situation where I forced to let go of my motherly bond towards my son . It was a lesson in objectivity . I had to save my son from death . One evening I got a visit from " death " , which is God too and I was aware that it concerned my son . He told me to concentrate on my son . I was all ears . I immediately hugged him very closely , but suddenly there came a message from deep within " Let go of him . You have to be objective and not show you fear " . I let go of my son and sent him to his room . By now , I was alarmed even more . I had been permitted to take necessary action as revealed . This was quite in contrast to earlier situations where my role was only to witness and not participate . Well , it is the toughest situation to be objective in . That evening I put him into bed and made sure in every possible way that everything was fine when I left him and sat down in the living room again . The next evening my son was playing as usual and again I sat down in the sofa watching the news . When my son got tired he said that he wanted to go to bed on his own . I fell asleep in front of the television . Suddenly , I was pulled out of the sofa by a very strong invisible force and immediately I knew that something was terribly wrong . I was aware of what I had to do without really knowing anything about the emergency . It was now or never . I rushed into my son 's room , grabbed him , shook him up so that he woke up making it possible for me to put my fingers into his mouth and pulled them out quickly . He mumbled in his sleep ' what are you doing mom ? ' and I told him to go back to sleep and that everything was alright now . When I walked out the door of the room , I opened my palm to find a large piece of chewing gum that would have , without a doubt , choked him during the night . Looking at the size , a shiver ran down my spine . I knew that this was the reason why I had to be acting objectively . I didn 't have to think about the situation or act differently , go into panic or whatever , because I was completely " controlled " . I was aware about my role in the situation without knowing what had to be removed from his mouth . I just knew what to do . What an experience . Only by the Lord 's Grace , I was able to act in a way He wanted me to . Some years ago before I moved to Copenhagen , I experienced help from Swami that was amazing . I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was pushing me down on my bed very hard . It was as if there were two hands on my chest pushing me down . I was scared to even open my eyes . I felt a terrible pain in my chest and I could hardly breathe . Who was it ? My young son was not capable of this . Whoever it was , he kept on pushing me downwards and I was really scared now . Finally , I opened my eyes but there was no one . But it still continued . Only then did I realize that it was God giving me cardiac massage . My heart had stopped and He was helping me thought it so that I could survive the attack . What an amazing experience it was ! Swami 's help in Denmark is proof that He is present everywhere . This was one of the many times He saved my life . In my heart , I sincerely wished that I would be able to see the effect of the protection prayer , because I have learned to use it every time I am going travelling etc . So I prayed for the protection of the entire plane and all its passengers . Before boarding an aeroplane I usually say this prayer . I have always been curious as to its functionality in use and therefore , I have always hoped to witness this one fine day . The aeroplane was really shaking violently and we both agreed that it had to stop since it felt really unpleasant . So we started praying again . Originally the prayer was in Sanskrit I greet God every morning with this prayer and again at night . With this prayer I thank Him for the help that I receive during the day . After this I lay my body in His hands as I return to Him . But back to the aeroplane . Finally I saw a giant thick golden beam come from my heart . The beam formed a thick tight rope of love and it passed out into both sides of the aeroplane and above it . Outside God was walking beside the aeroplane . He grabbed the thick golden rope and held it tight . He carried the plane all the way back to Denmark . It was completely awesome to experience . Beautiful ! Fantastic ! The power of prayer is very strong . After a long and wonderful day spent together with thousands of spiritually minded people from all over the world , I went to bed at nine o ' clock tired and filled with beautiful energy and that night I slept like a rock . As I arrive at my usual " pilgrimage " , I usually take a couple of days to adjust to the intense energy around this particular place . That night it was no problem . I woke without my alarm clock very early in the morning . The reason for this early wakening was a song of love in my heart . And hereby I mean singing - with words and music accompanying them . The heart was singing a very beautiful song " Lord God within my heart , Lord God within " repeating this line a number of times . If I tried to actually say something with my mouth , nothing came out , because the intense energy in my heart " stopped " my speech . I had to lie down again and simply enjoy the beautiful song . It was the most satisfactory feeling I have ever felt in my heart - ever since my contact with God in my heart had become a reality for me . To experience my singing heart , without having to do anything on a physical level was a proof of His presence in my heart . Again I was filled with the realization that I was able to gather help and inspiration from my inner , spiritual universe at all times . In my dream , I was with a friend of mine . We were dressed in saris , the local dress which I am always wearing when I am in India . This friend of mine and I have both been in India together . We arrived at a plateau which was made from marble . It was a nice and cool place . It reminded me of the palaces of Ancient Rome , and also resembled Ancient Greece a lot . The columns holding the ceiling was made from fine marble and exquisitely decorated . I went to look at the view . In front of me was a little wall which separated the place I was standing on the plateau . In front of me I could see a very beautiful ocean bathed in the blinding white energy beams of the sun . The ocean was very calm with only very little wavy movements - not real waves . It was God 's ocean and God 's light . Suddenly , God was standing by my side and pointed at my place . Before , I went to the wall , my friend left me to go to another place . By showing me a cigarette in her hand she stated that her job helping people was of a more mundane character . She helps with natural healing medicine , and she is a wonderful person filled with love . She has her own shop selling nature 's own medicine products and she has worked hard for this shop . I was shown to a place on a bench which was made from marble and was stretching all around a giant marble column . On the bench sat some very learned persons . Amongst them was an empty spot for me . On each side of my place sat a lady and a man and they both welcomed me on the bench . In front of me - at my place was a book which was open and which was showing something written which I have been contemplating to this very moment . It said : Maha … . Laksmi I was and I still am deeply honoured by this gesture . I was overwhelmed as I sat on the bench . Suddenly , I received an inner message to rise and go to the other side of the plateau . From here , I was able to overlook a large room filled with young people drinking , smoking and playing loud music . He said : " This is your job " . I was speechless . What an assignment ! All these people . Was I going to teach them ancient wisdom ? Right away I told God that I was not able to do this . But all He answered was : " You will be at the right time . " So I sat back on the bench . God came to me and sat on my lap - looking me deep in the eyes . His inner wisdom bubbled up . I just knew that this was true . My inner wisdom had just grown and grown on me for the last nine years . I had really been nurtured . I knew that I could draw on His knowledge . This knowledge and experience which I was meant to mediate . He sat very heavily on my lap looked me in the eyes intensely . He sat there to tell me that His wisdom is deep inside me and that I am able to be inspired from it . All I have to do is to reach for it . I woke up the next morning with a strong pain in my legs where He had been sitting . It was not a dream . It was a reality . God had been with me again . One night a family from India / Sri Lanka came to me to ask for my help in finding their oldest son who was retarded . He had left their home to go visit a friend and he had not returned home . Apparently he had suddenly lost his sense of direction on his way to the friend and he had wandered off somewhere . Nobody knew where he had gone . His family members were desperate and very miserable . They came to me and I offered my help . I went with them to their home . More people had gathered to help search . Some had to stay at home by the phone in case the police were going to call with information . Firstly it was a Danish girl who talked to the police and then I took over the phone . I had brought my cell phone so I was able to contact the daughter of the family who had remained at home when the rest of us left . We were a group of 5 - 6 persons . Now and again we had to split up to search in different directions to find him . The police had received a hint that he was maybe in an inhabited area far away from his home , because they had received a denouncement of a young , dark man who wandered around asking for food and something to drink . He was in one of the more rough areas of the city . It was late . Everybody was tired and freezing . Most of all I was thinking about the young man . He is a tiny thin young man and I just knew that he would be terribly cold . As long as he does not lie down somewhere outside to sleep , I thought . Because then he would really be in trouble . I feared that he might have wandered out on the fields behind the inhabited area . This was a very large area and since his skin was dark , it would be like searching for a pin in a haystack to try to find him in that area . We walked around in small groups but so far we had had no luck in finding him . We were getting pretty desperate . We returned to the home of the family . Maybe he had shown himself there in the meantime . But no . I talked to the police again and informed them of the status of our search . Then we went back to search again . We searched and looked and the clock was getting close to midnight . It was freezing cold . The police were extremely busy in the town centre with drunkards and street rows because it was a Saturday night . So we were all alone with our search . We looked at each other and we felt almost like crying . It seemed completely hopeless to find him . Some of us were talking about going home and leave the search to the police but I said clearly no to this suggestion . The police had no time to do anything and he would freeze to death if we did not find him . They looked at me and then we jumped into the car again and drove around the neighbourhood . In the end I prayed to God : " Dear God - you have to help us find this young man . The police have not got the time and his time is running out . Help us find him , dear God . I pray for your help . And then He answered me : I will help you . " And in that very moment He showed himself as a beam of light which shot out of nowhere and almost marked a path through the area for me . I yelled out immediately : " Stop the car ! I have to get out here . " The family knew me and knew about my inner contact and the father activated the break immediately and I jumped out of the car and ran as fast as lightning in the direction God had shown me . Right after me followed the young man 's mother . She asked if I could feel something and I just said " yes " and ran along . Normally , I do not run and if I run I do not run very fast , since I have become rather over weight . However , this day my legs did not care much about my over weight and I felt a power inside which led me on . I came to the end of the light beam - and I was right ! I was at the open fields behind the inhabited area . And it was a pitch dark night . It was impossible to see very far in the dark but I had a feeling that I had to keep standing where I was . Then my lungs filled with an enormous power and I " roared " his name out in the dark . To begin with we were met with complete silence - everybody stood there and listened for any sound at all . But there was nothing - nothing but complete silence . I wanted to take a step forward but God held me back and again I was overpowered and I " roared " even louder this time . And finally ! Just a few feet away from us the sound of a weak voice responded to the call for his name . It felt as all tension was released at that very moment - tension , anxiety , tears and joy overwhelmed us all . We all ran in the direction from where the voice came and then we found him - exhausted and very tired he rose to his legs . He had found a play house on the school playground and lied down to sleep . The playground was actually bordering the open fields . Do I have to describe the joyous scenes that followed ? We laughed , cried and embraced him - all at the same time . The family was deeply grateful . I called the police and told them that we had found him . Afterwards , we sat for a long time in the family 's living room and talked it over again and again and again we talked about God and the contact I have with him in my heart . We found him with help from God . Again I was only God 's instrument in the job . Another incident where He interfered with my life was once I was with a friend and walked by the sea to enjoy the soothing sounds of the waves and to have some fresh air . A storm was forming in the horizon and we could hear thunder far , far away . We were at the sea , so we both knew that the only wise thing to do would be to walk back to the car . We walked at a quiet pace and suddenly I saw God . He walked with his feet on the ground , however with his head in the sky and pushed the skies in front of him . Lightning started to appear . He was pushing the skies away from us . He turned around to us and said : " Find a secure place now . " He said it with such graveness that it left no room for doubt . We ran to find a shed that might offer shelter from the rain and He kept pushing the skies with the lightning away from the shed . The shed was almost like a long roof - as long as the roof of the house which was just on the opposite side . We kept standing there , talking to each other about our experience . My friend had felt Him just as clearly as when He talks to me , so it was an exciting situation in which we found ourselves . We were able to share the experience . Suddenly , the storm came to a temporary halt and we wondered if we should go to the car , but He said a quick and firm no . " It is not over yet " , He said , so we kept standing and of course he had been right . Soon the storm roared again . Finally , He said : " Now . Go now and hurry up as much as you can . Run to the car for safety . We ran as fast as we could . My friend stopped for a moment to overlook the sea and immediately he ordered again : " Keep moving ! " And then we ran the rest of the way to the car . When we were safe inside the car , the storm reappeared . But now we were safe from the lightning and God " disappeared " . However , it had been awesome to see Him walking in front of us pushing the skies away from us to protect us from the lightning . He was truly wonderful . From the bottom of my heart , I thanked Him for His help . One day a woman was visited me . She had just returned home from India and she was telling me all about the interesting adventures she had experienced during her stay there when I was suddenly interrupted in the middle of our conversation by an urging feeling that something was calling for my help . I interrupted our conversation immediately and rose to my feet saying : " My son needs me . He is out playing . I have to go now . " " Of course " , she responded surprised by this interruption . I raced down the stairs because inside me I felt my son calling for my help . I felt the energy inside me controlling my path around the buildings . I had no idea where he was but suddenly the energy inside me stopped and thus , I stopped . In front of me I did not see any children . Then I looked through the glass door to the stairway of the building where God had stopped my path and there he was . There he was , my son . He was standing on the railing , balancing with his hands in the air holding on to the bottom of the railing of the next staircase . He was not able to climb down on his own . He was abandoned . The children he had been playing with had just laughed at him and then left him there to go out and play again . They had not bothered to help him down . He was miserable and he had started yelling for me . This was the signal I had been intercepting . If he had let go of his grip he would have fallen down the stairs to the basement . It would have meant catastrophe . Therefore , my son held desperately on to the railing above his head . He was so happy to see me and he just screamed : " Mum " . And then the tears started rolling down his cheeks . Quickly I helped him down and held him close to me . He was shaking all over . When he had recovered a little he looked up at me and said : " How did you know , mum ? How did you do that ? How did you know where I was and that I was in need of your help ? " Without hesitance I answered : " God showed me the way to you " . This was the exact moment where my son realized that God actually exists even though he really had known before this incident as well . But this gave him physical evidence of God 's help and how it works in the real world . " Is that so Mum ? he said . " Now I also have to learn to pray for His help . " The experience took place at a time where I had become seriously ill in India and during my flight home to Denmark I had to run back and forth from my seat to the lavatory . I was really not well . We were flying from Bombay ( Mumbai ) and we had been in the air for approx . 4 hours when an unusual feeling suddenly radiated through me . I felt a surge of fear in my stomach - it was an extreme sense of fear . An inferno of voices sounded in my head . I sat in this plane where I had put myself - looking around me upset ; nevertheless , everything around me was peaceful and quiet . Nobody rolled over each other in fear . People were having a good time . I realized that I was the only witness to something really horrible right now - as if it was a message from the spiritual world . I felt the feeling of fear that we were going to crash but again I looked around the plane and everything was quiet . Was this something that was about to happen or what was going on ? My thoughts were in a mess and at the same time I was running back and forth between my seat and the lavatory . Each time I sat down , these feelings came to me more and more clearly . Nevertheless , when I asked inside about the situation of our aeroplane the answer was a clear no . This had nothing to do with our plane . It was another plane . Oh my God , I thought . Oh my goodness ! What was it He was saying ? " Another plane ? " " No " , I thought . " I must not let this happen " . At this time I clearly heard two voices that were transmitted together with all the other panicking voices in my head . They were Danish . It was a woman and a man . It was as if the woman sat at my ear and told me what was happening . And suddenly the woman said : " Oh no - we are going to crash into the cliff " . There were screaming and then … all of a sudden a deep silence . Peace . A void . Nothing . Then I received the death toll . I was shaking all over my body . Who were the two Danes ? Which flight was this ? Where had the accident occurred ? I had actually just witnessed a plane crash ! And I actually scolded God . He knew that I could not handle plane accidents and least of all witness them . But He shook his head and said : " You have to be able to handle these kinds of accidents . They will take place , regardless . But look at death , with another substance and see the beauty that they have been allowed to return to their home again . In your eyes it was an unpleasant way to die , but it was over in a very short time . You have to learn to see the positive aspects of death and not only the grief that you humans are so addicted to . You have to learn to let go of your feelings and learn to see the many facets of death . Because in all parts of the world people die - one way or the other . They return home to receive new tasks . When you learn to be objective you will be able to see the coherence - and not before . Death is not always as violent , however , this time it was - to you at least . You have to learn to let go of your attachment to life and learn to look differently at death - even in the situations that are ugly in your eyes " . We had an intermediate stop in Frankfurt before our arrival in Copenhagen . Our group had to remain seated in the plane . The air hostesses were busy cleaning the air plane and one of them brought today 's newspapers . One of the newspapers was thrown on the seat right next to me with the front page up . I froze completely and my blood was cold in my veins . There was a picture of the plane crash and with the exact number of deaths that I had " received " at the time of the crash . It was an aeroplane from Taiwan that had hit a cliff . Right there was the physical evidence of my experience . Do you think that made me less frightened of flying ? I still live with my fear of planes and flying . I have scolded God several times because of this incident . It was very educational , nevertheless , really nasty to me . To finalize this tough incident let me tell you that a few years later I was going for a visit at the home of my work colleague . During this visit , I told her of my experience . She fell completely silent . Then she exclaimed : " These two Danes were the mother and the father of a family that lives very close to here . " And she knew both of them . Nothing happens for any reason . Furthermore , this was confirmed to her that what I had experienced was the truth . To " witness " a murder is also really horrid . To have to live through what the victim lived through . It has happened several times . Or when a little boy disappeared without a trace in Copenhagen and I " found " him . These are aspects of my spiritual development that I would rather be without . But apparently they are part of my development . First there was the 5 - 6 year old boy that was killed by several stabs of a knife in Denmark quite a few years ago . I was deeply touched by this tragedy and plainly cried over the fact that some people possessed such cruelty . An innocent little boy . What could he have done wrong except maybe he had annoyed his stepfather ? I wanted to know if he had suffered from any of these cruel stabs . The man must have done this terrible deed suffering from a fit of lunacy . The little body was stabbed with approx 30 knife stabs . I " saw " the boy at my home and he started to describe what had happened to him . The first stab of the knife had killed the boy since it had penetrated straight through his heart . And he did not suffer . Another incident concerned a two year old boy in Copenhagen . This I had heard about from a work colleague and immediately I initiated my " bearing " . I looked for the boy through a level of visions . Suddenly , I was right beside him . I watched him as he lay quietly and looked up . I wanted to see what he was watching . The light seemed oddly glass - like but with slight movement . Oh God , I thought . You drowned - it is too late . I told my work colleague about this . She only remarked : " Heidi - you have a very vivid imagination , " and laughed a little . Later when the fire department found the boy on the bottom of a lake in Copenhagen there was no more : " Heidi - you have a vivid imagination " . Now it was : " How do you do it ? " She was rather frightened . I have experienced deaths where I had no chance to interfere . For example in connection with a baby dying in its sleep - cradle death . In my dream I screamed and yelled : " Wake up " countless times to the parents of the baby . " Please hear me - wake up ! " … . , however , I screamed and screamed with no reaction . I woke up soaked in sweat and cried . I went to work and then received the message that my boss 's grandchild had died in his sleep that night . I had to leave the room to go out and cry . This was the final call for me . I contacted a healer who had visions . He helped me get over these visions and he told me that I was at a place in my development that required a lot of my psyche but he was able to help me getting through this . He had experienced this for himself and he knew what I needed . He is one of the best healers in the country . This was some of my experiences with Him . I am happy when He intervenes in my life . He leaves me with a feeling that I am truly alive . His Prema , The Ultimate All - encompassing Love , in its incredibly beautiful , clean and pure form , is definitely within the reach of all of us . |
I was fast asleep , dreaming the dreams of the innocent . I was 13 years old . But something interrupted my dream . I awoke when I felt a cold metal object being shoved with some urgency into my temple . It was a gun . I have always been an extremely light sleeper . With even the slightest unwelcome sound , I can go from a dream state to completely alert in a flash . A simple sigh in the corner of my room can startle me . So feeling icy steel press against my temple awoke me with a start . I had never seen a gun , much less felt one , but somehow I knew for certain that it was a gun being pressed against my head . I was utterly frozen with fear . I laid there with my eyes closed , my breathing was shallow . I tried not to swallow ; I tried not to make a sound . I heard the gun being cocked . I recognized the sound from television ; that horrid lifeless click that readies the gun for release . I opened my eye into an imperceptible slit , and I could see a man 's pinky finger hanging languidly next to my cheek . It was adorned with a bright gold ring that sported a jewel of some sort ; possibly a diamond . It was a man 's hand , of that I was sure . I had never seen such a fancy ring on a man 's hand before . His other fingers were curled around a metal handle . I could see a finger on the trigger . The steel was shoved harder into my temple . I could feel my heart beating in my throat ; I was certain that my pulsing veins were visible . I prepared myself for death , or even worse ; torture . I waited . I had always been a weary child ; I was terrified that one day I would be kidnapped , tortured , and murdered . I would run from a car if I saw a man driving it ; and black cars especially terrified me , because that was the color of the car of a kidnapper who took a child in my neighborhood , when I was five . Black cars and strange men spoke to me of unspeakable horrors ; and I vowed to do what ever I needed to do to never get caught in a predator 's web . Each day when I came home from school , I would check the entire house thoroughly ; I would check behind the shower curtain , in every closet , and in every possible hiding place for an intruder . It was a ritual I did every day before I could settle down in my own home . It was as if I had always known a terrible time was coming , and here it was . Suddenly the man bellowed with laughter . I sprung upright and leapt from my bed in an instant , and saw my sister 's boyfriend standing in my dark bedroom , a revolver in his hand . The gleam of the silver pistol looked luminous in the moonlight and only that and his teeth showed up in the dark . " What are you doing ? " I choked . While I felt relieved that I knew my midnight intruder , I hardly felt safe . I didn 't trust this man , not even a little bit . He laughed again . " And check out my new ring baby ! " he said , wiggling his pinky in my direction . It was the same finger I had seen dangling near my cheek when he held the gun to my head . " That diamond must be a carat at least . Ever seen anything like it ? " " Get up ! Get up ! " he screamed excitedly , " You 'll want to see this . " And in a moment he was hollering and shouting and turning on all the lights in the house . He was bellowing for my sister to wake up ; she was still fast asleep . Unlike me , my sister slept like the dead . He entered her room and started shaking her , while singing a Rolling Stones song as loud as he could . Finally I heard her sleepy voice , asking him what he was doing . He could hardly contain himself ; he sounded like a little boy on Christmas morning , anxious for us to share in his bounty from Santa Claus . It was only my sister and I in the house ; there was no adult supervision . When I was close to being a teenager , my Dad decided he couldn 't tolerate living with two girls in their teens . " I know what goes on with girls your age , " he would often tell us , and frankly I didn 't know what he was talking about . It felt as though he was accusing me of doing something I wasn 't doing ; it was as though we were suddenly bad girls , and he could no longer tolerate us . My father decided to build a new house for the family , but this time he built two houses ; one for my mother and him , and the other for my sister and me . They were completely separate units , with a courtyard in the middle . Our unit had no kitchen , but most everything else we might want . We each had our own room , and shared a living room and bathroom . It was the early 70 's , and the room had a water bed that served as a couch , a black and white television , and a good stereo . The rug was a thick white shag carpet ; a popular look in the day , and we had a hanging wicker chair , and multitudes of hanging plants in macramé plant holders . I never felt safe there . While I was only in 8th grade , my sister was a senior in High School , and once her friends caught wind that we had our own place , it became the hang out for seemingly every young person in a ten mile radius . Since we never locked our doors , the kids would gather there even if we weren 't home ; and I would often come home from school to a living room filled with older kids , smoking marijuana and drinking beer . There were days I would long to come home to an empty house ; perhaps turn on the television and have some cookies and milk . But instead I was faced daily by a rowdy scene ; raucous music , drinking games , and unruly behavior . One of their favorite things to do was to torture our pet rat . They began by blowing pot smoke into his cage , until he went insane ; he would no longer stay in his cage and would roam the house looking for marijuana . If he found a bag , he 'd eat right through the plastic baggy , seemingly addicted to the stuff . They also liked putting him in the freezer and leaving him in there almost too long , or putting him in a hanging plant , and twisting the macramé around and around until it was wound up tight , then releasing it and laughing as the rat went for a dizzying ride . I hated it . Even more , I hated that we had no parents present to stop some of the behavior , especially when it seemed dangerous to me . And it often did . But I never let on how afraid I was , and began partying with the older kids , which was much too soon . My sister 's boyfriend had begun to have his fun with me on a daily basis . His favorite game was to lie in wait for me in the bathroom . Everyone knew that I got up several times in the night to use the bathroom , and he would hide in the shadows ; usually behind the shower curtain . And when I 'd come in sleepy with my eyes half shut , he would pounce on top of me , and would do everything he could to feel me up . His hands would be everywhere ; down my pajama pants and up my shirt . If I were to complain , he 'd shove me up against the wall and put his hand over my mouth . Then he 'd whisper deep into my ear , and the sound would make me cringe . " You don 't want your sister to hear us , do you ? Don 't you think it would hurt her feelings if she knew how much I wanted you ? " He would hold me there until I nodded , and then he 'd release me . Then he 'd laugh silently and allow me return to my bed . This became a nightly ritual . I was very developed for my age , and I began to wear bras and panties to bed , underneath my pajamas . I would do anything to create one more barrier between his wandering hands and me . But that didn 't stop him . Eventually I began to go into the back yard to go to the bathroom . But he was a light sleeper too , and the minute he heard movement in my bedroom , he 'd find me . My sister , on the other hand , slept through anything . One night I was sneaking out to go the bathroom . I opened the front door as quietly as I could , and I dashed into the night . I hovered in the darkness , looking for a corner of the yard in the shadows , when I felt his arm grab me by the neck . His breath was in my ear ; it smelled of beer . " I love you , don 't you realize that yet ? " " I can 't . You 're all I think about , night and day . I want you so bad . But you can 't tell your sister . You don 't want to hurt her , do you ? " He terrified me . So on the night he held a gun to my head , I really couldn 't be sure of what his intentions might be . And even by the time my sister finally awoke and crawled out of bed , my heart was still thumping loudly in my chest . I had never seen him as erratic as he was that night , turning on every light in the house , and yelling excitedly , as he began to move a large array of items through our front door . I walked into the living room and watched him ; he had radios , stereos , jewelry , records ; I can 't remember all that he had , but he began piling it into the center of the room , all the while talking excitedly . My sister emerged from her bedroom , rubbing her eyes and hardly conscious . It always took her forever to wake up and I could tell she wasn 't really registering what was going on . She finally asked , " What is all of this stuff ? " " We ripped off a house , baby , we ripped off a house ! And we scored BIG time . Look at this ring ; that 's a diamond . Check it out ! Man , it was a rush . What a night ! We cleaned those suckers OUT ! " My sister stared dumbfounded . Then she woke up . " ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU ROBBED A HOUSE ? " She yelled this , and I felt relieved ; she was the closest thing to an adult that I had . I needed some guidance ; I needed a firm hand . I needed someone to yell . " Hey baby , where am I supposed to take it ? My Dad is a COP , " he said laughing , appreciating the irony of the situation . " I have to stash it here for awhile . " My sister walked over to where the stereo was lying in the middle of the floor . We both stared at it . It was stunningly beautiful ; the owner had encased it in a striking wooden case , which had obviously been handcrafted . Each detail was perfect . My sister broke into tears . " Someone made this ! " she sobbed . " Someone made this wood case ! Someone spent hours and hours on this ! They made this with love ! And you just go and STEAL it ? YOU MAKE ME SICK . You take it all back or I don 't want to ever see you again ! " " How can I take it back ? " he asked . " You want me to break in again ? I was lucky I didn 't get caught the first time ! " " Then leave it on the porch . Leave it at the front door . I don 't care , but YOU ' RE TAKING IT BACK RIGHT NOW . " I had never seen him look so sheepish . And he did take it all back . In my life , I have often wondered what it must have been like for those people ; to come home to find everything valuable they owned on their front porch . I was mesmerized by how she handled the situation ; she had a force that I did not have . She had a strength that I did not have . And that night after he returned from taking back his loot , I heard them arguing for hours in bed , and he doing everything in his power to charm his way back into her good grace . And eventually he did . After that night , he seemed to change his tactics with me . While he still told me he loved me daily , he began to treat me more like a big brother might , or even a father ; he began to pay an inordinate amount of attention to me . He would always ask me what was going on in my life ; he would listen to me drone on and on about all of my problems , and he always seemed interested and willing to help . I never really trusted him , but I began to confide in him little by little , and just like my sister , he began to charm himself back into my good graces . I was very much in love with a young boy in my class , named Barry . Our relationship was innocent and sweet ; and even at that tender age he was romancing me . He brought me a dozen red roses to class one day , and had recently even bought me a gorgeous opal ring . Up until that point , I had never really trusted any man . But I trusted Barry with all of my heart , and although I wasn 't ready for anything too sexual yet , we had begun experimenting a little . My sister 's boyfriend would press me for details , and would warn me all about young boys and their hormones , and what they REALLY wanted . " He loves me , " I 'd tell him . " He would never pressure me . Besides , neither of us is even CLOSE to ready . " " Well , if he does pressure you , you come and tell me , okay ? And I 'll put him in his place , " my sister 's boyfriend would say . I began to believe that he really might have my best interests at heart , and since my step - father never spoke to me in a protective way , I began to crave what I believed was love . It was a few weeks later when we were all at a party a few blocks from home . Our friend Kim didn 't have much adult supervision either , and on this night a rather wild party was going on at her house . I was sitting in the backyard when my sister 's boyfriend came over and began talking to me . We were joking and laughing , and he was trying to wrestle with me . I never enjoyed when he 'd become physical with me ; he was a huge boy and on the football team . But on this night , he wouldn 't stop . I didn 't want to make a fuss , so I laughingly asked him to put me down . But he didn 't . He headed out of the back yard and started walking down the dimly lit street . I kicked and screamed , still laughing , but as he continued his march down the street into the darkness , I became afraid . " Put me down , " I said sternly . " I mean it . " But my commentary was only met with silence , which filled me with dread . The beach was only a block and a half away , and soon I could hear the crashing waves and feel the salt on my lips . He climbed over some rocks that blocked our entrance , all the while holding me in a tight grip , and not saying a word . When he reached the sand , he threw me down and climbed on top of me . I began to sob . " GET OFF ME ; LET ME GO BACK TO THE PARTY . " Still he said nothing . He put one beefy arm across my neck to hold me in place , and with the other hand ripped off my jeans with such force that he broke the zipper . I had borrowed the jeans from my sister that night , after much begging . " I don 't want you to wreck them , " she had told me . And this is the only thing that was going through my head as he began to rip at the rest of my clothes . I screamed as loud as I could , and he took his hand and covered my mouth . Then he raped me . I don 't remember much that happened the rest of that evening . All I remember is going home , and going into my parents unit . My father wasn 't home , and my sister was in bed with my mother crying . And I got into bed with them and started crying too . I had assumed that somehow my sister knew ; and it was too painful to talk about . But she really didn 't know . We never spoke about it again ; not at least , for many years . Then I went into my room and grabbed a pen and paper . Grabbing a pen and paper was something I did almost on a daily basis in those days ; as I was constantly writing poetry . But as I stared at the blank sheet of paper , no poetry came . Only one sentence came to my mind , which I scribbled down . I wrote , " I am still a virgin . " I stared at it , and the words helped me somehow . This didn 't count , it couldn 't count . I wrote the words again . " I am still a virgin . " And then as tears streamed down my cheeks , I wrote it again and again and again . And soon enough I needed a second piece of paper , which I filled up with the same sentence , written ad nauseam . I broke up with my boyfriend Barry the following morning . We had been whispering sweet nothings in each others ears for so long ; we had decided we would lose our virginity together , sometime later down the road , and eventually we 'd marry . That dream was now dead , and I couldn 't face him . I broke his heart . My sister 's boyfriend continued to prey on me after that , always threatening to tell my sister if I ever told . I had decided it was my lot in life to do what he said , and to carry that shame . When I was 15 , I fell in love and once my new boyfriend caught wind of it , he told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever laid a hand on me again , that he 'd kill him . The abuse , finally , stopped . But it took me years to realize that none of it had been my fault . And even more years to realize that the gun he held at my head that night was symbolic of my entire relationship with him . I was an adult before I connected to my sexuality again . To me , it was something you did like an actress on a stage , because that 's all it had ever been for me ; a game of pretend . Instead of learning how to fight back , I learned instead how to take it . Men could hit me , men could lie to me , men could rape me ; but they could never touch my soul . And whenever a man treated me badly , I 'd rise above it , and I would say to myself , " go ahead and give it to me . This doesn 't hurt me . You can 't touch me . The only person this hurts is you . " Of course that 's not true . It 's a defense mechanism we learn in order to cope . And I suppose I 've developed many of those in my journey through life . But the secret of shame is always stamped upon your soul ; a faint , indelible watermark . My child will always be face down on the floor ; a little unstrung puppet , kicking to disappear , her face red with panic , her tiny fists bloody from pounding on a cement wall . The sheets still grow heavy with the thought of a lecher 's kiss ; and the sin , the sin , flicks on and off like a nauseating fluorescent light , outside of the dive bar of my mind . There will always be a permanent smell . I know life deals us blows . But I know that every morning when I wake up , I 'm still singing . I 'm still laughing . I 'm still dancing . There is a place inside of each of us that is untouchable . It is where the angels swim , and the stars swim too . And sadly , where indifference swims as well . Please feel free to leave comments below . And if you enjoy what you read , please become a follower by pressing the ' following ' button on the left of the blog . Thanks so much for visiting ! I will understand if that statement causes you to have a particular image of me . I think most of us create a picture of what we perceive a homeless person to be ; perhaps someone who is lazy , or simply chooses not to work or be productive . Perhaps you imagine frail , dispossessed bums sleeping under plastic bags in subways and doorways . Perhaps you imagine beggars who reach out a shaky hand for coins , or the insane screaming out profanities while searching through dumpsters . I suppose those are the obvious images . But I promise you that there are homeless who walk among us we would never recognize . I was one of those . I thought of myself as homeless in panty hose . I left my husband in the middle of the night . The truth had finally come out that I had fallen in love with another man , and my new relationship was controversial to say the least . Hardly anyone approved , and I was seemingly ostracized over night . It had been an exhausting weekend ; my new lover and I met with parents , siblings and friends who screamed , shouted and cried about our choices , begging us to come to our senses . But there was no going back for either of us ; we were in love . This emotional spectacle culminated Sunday night when I went home to tell my husband . It was a draining marathon of heartache and arguing , and I was so exhausted from emotional stress that I wanted nothing more than to get into my marital bed and fall asleep . It was about midnight ; I had come in earlier and awoke him to tell him my news . After hours of tears , my husband was still in our bed , covering his face with his hands . As much as I wanted to suggest that we continue the discussion in the morning , I knew that it would be cruel to prolong his agony . I opened the closet and pulled down a suitcase , hurriedly stuffed it with clothes and toiletries , zipped it shut , then softly said " Goodbye . " I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that none of it was his fault , but the words never came . I waited for a moment to see if he 'd respond , but the room was quiet . I walked out the front door and never looked back . I used a joint credit card to fill my tank with gas as I sped away from town . It was the last money I would use of the funds I shared with my husband ; I left with only my clothes and nothing else . I never fought for 50 % of our assets , and I signed off on property that we mutually owned . That night after I filled my gas tank , I cut all of our credit cards in two . Then I put my key in the ignition , and when the engine came to life , I felt I had sprouted wings , and that I was flying to freedom . I had no idea where I was going . But soon I had turned up the radio loud , and I was singing . The future was unknown , and I was excited to begin a new life . The only problem was , I had nowhere to sleep and I had to be at work by 8 : 00 a . m . And I had no watch . That first night of homelessness is as clear to me as any other memory of my life . I parked my car at a rest stop at the beach , and then sat for a long time on a chilly precipice , staring out over the ocean highlighted by a blue tinged moon . I had no idea the time , but I knew it was very late . If I wasn 't so exhausted that first night , I don 't think I would have ever fallen asleep . But I climbed into the backseat of my car , rolled some clothes into a ball to serve as a pillow , and covering myself with a jacket , I soon fell asleep . When I awoke , it was daylight . I jumped out of the car and started going through my suitcase , hurriedly looking for my work clothes . Soon I was sitting on a rock ; the sand blowing in my face , and the ocean crashing loudly beside me . It was cold and the wind was whipping through my hair . But I laughed as I realized what a comic sight I was . I was struggling to put on my panty hose ; one foot at a time , and trying not to rip them as I stood on the rough terrain of the cliff . In those days I wore skirts , hose and heels to work ; it was what was considered to be appropriate business attire . I detested panty hose with a passion , and the heels would make my feet ache by the end of every day . But on this morning , it was more disturbing than usual , I remember , trying to crawl into them on the beach . I was homeless in panty hose . Needless to say , I was late for work that morning , as well as other mornings thereafter . The ironic thing was I had always been exceptionally prompt ; but waking up in a car without a time piece made arriving at work on time somewhat difficult . When my boss called me in to his office to complain about my tardiness , I spat back that I was homeless and living on the beach . He was a lot more lenient after that . It was my first accounting job , and I worked in the Accounts Payable department . Earnings were meager , but I was saving every available penny I could toward first and last month 's rent for an apartment of my own . Well , not every penny . I made a very important allowance . On weekends , I would meet my new lover at hotels . It was a big expenditure , but a necessary one , as it was the only time I was able to shower . It was also a reprieve from my every day existence , which was more than surreal . For two days I would have love , luxury and soap , and for that brief time I could distance myself from my cruel reality . But Monday morning would come too soon , and my new boyfriend would return to his family home , where he still lived with his parents . I would go off to work , and once again become the lonely waif sleeping in the salt air by night , and working at a job I despised by day . My dinner routine was the same most evenings . Down the street from my office was an upscale bar and restaurant . They featured a fabulous happy hour , which featured a complete spread of delicious appetizers . I would order water with lime with a straw ; so no one ever suspected I was eating for free . I realized that looking well dressed and coifed offered me many advantages that other homeless people did not have . And I took advantage of it whenever I could . But that wasn 't the only way I got food . I remember one painful night when I spotted a group of patrons leaving a pizza parlor with nearly a half of a pie left on the table . I watched them through the open door of the restaurant , still certain that they would end up packing up the pie and taking it home , but they all got up from the table and just left it there . I wanted that pizza so badly ; I think I could have done nearly anything to have a slice of it . I was literally salivating at the thought of a hot meal . It was a moment of truth ; I knew I wouldn 't have long to take it before the waitress cleared the table ; but doing what I was contemplating doing was mortifying . At the last possible moment I dashed in and scooped up as much pizza as I could in a napkin , and skulked out the door like a thief in the night . I disappeared into an alleyway to eat my score ; and it was so hot and delicious I couldn 't eat it fast enough . At that moment I didn 't feel that different from the homeless that search the dumpsters . The only difference is that I had a camouflage , and could sneak into an establishment without raising an eyebrow . I think that was my first real lesson in compassion . Although most of my family and friends had washed their hands of me and my choices during that period , I had a few friends that stepped up whenever they could . My best friend at the time was planning on going to Europe for a month and offered me her room in her flat in San Francisco . She lived with two roommates I had never met ; both gay psychiatrists . It was a difficult decision for me , because she didn 't offer me her room for free ; I would have to pay her share of the rent for that month , which would delay my saving up money for own apartment , which was a priority . But I was so desperate to have a bed , shower , and a kitchen , that I took her up on her offer . The first night that I arrived , I was shown to my room by my new roommates . Being that they were both psychiatrists , I was excited to meet them ; and I also felt it might be soothing to be in the bosom of trained professionals who would understand my stress , and maybe even help me . But I was wrong . " We know what is happening in your life , and frankly we don 't approve . So we know Sheila is your friend , and you 'll be here a month , but we want to see the least of you as possible . Tonight we 're having a party , and we don 't want you to come out of your room . So if you need to buy something for dinner , we suggest you buy it now . There 's a market across the street . " Their words stung me to my core . " Is there a television I could borrow for the evening then ? " I asked . I thought a television might make it somewhat tolerable . I felt on the verge of tears . " No , " was all they said , and with that they turned a very effeminate heel toward the door . That evening was painful , as I sat on the bed trying to read some silly magazine I found in her room , with the sounds of frivolity right outside my door . I was starving and didn 't have fifty cents in my pocket . I wondered what delicious appetizers might be displayed in the next room . I would have loved nothing more than to have a cocktail and mingle with people and laugh and forget . But it wasn 't to be . The first two weeks in that house were a nightmare . But it all changed the day my biological father called me there . He asked me what my address was , and after I gave it to him , he informed he was coming over to kill me . I suppose on most levels , I knew he wasn 't going to kill me . He was a passionate Sicilian after all , and he was angry with me . But I still didn 't know him very well at that point , and there was a modicum of doubt that crept in my psyche . I burst into tears . The two doctors overheard me , and for some unknown reason , they were suddenly gushing with empathy . They sat on either side of me on my temporary bed , and flung their arms around me ; and they told me it would be okay . They urged me to open up about my side of the story ; why I had left my husband , and the controversial relationship I was now involved with . Because my new relationship was unusual and rather taboo , they related their own experience of being chastised for being homosexual to mine ; and we talked long about prejudice . And by the time the three of us heard a hard angry knock on the front door , we had become the best of friends . " We won 't let your father kill you ! " they announced , and ran down the stairs to confront my father . They protected me like fierce kittens ; and wouldn 't let my father inside the house until he agreed to behave himself . I had two weeks more in that house , but after that , I was back on the street for several months in a row . I remember I had one delicious respite in all of that time , and that was the evening that my friend Linda offered me her beach house for one moonlit night . She and all of her roommates were leaving on an overnight trip ; and she gave me the key to her house . It was a lovely sprawling home ; sitting right on the cliff , with the ocean crashing against the enormous picture windows that lined the living room . She had left me a series of notes all over the house , leading me on a virtual treasure hunt of delights . My first note was on the dining room table next to a bottle of red wine , a corkscrew , and a glass . It read , " It 's time to kick off your shoes and transport yourself to a world of tranquility . Begin by enjoying this wine . " Next I was sent toward a group of candles and a box of matches . " Light these candles , sip on your wine , and listen to the ocean . " Following that , I was instructed to turn on the stereo , where my favorite artist was playing . My hunt then led me back to the kitchen where a gourmet meal was waiting for me . " Pop this in the oven at 350 degrees , and enjoy . There 's a salad in the fridge . " The last note led to my bed . I laughed when I entered the bedroom ; I encountered an enormous bright pink velvet bed ; something you might find in Cinderella 's castle . It was piled high with pink silk pillows . I felt like a fairy princess , and I didn 't much care where I 'd left my glass slipper . The crashing of the waves sounded very different that night than they did when I slept on the beach , and I learned a lesson that night about gratitude . But when I awoke the next morning , my carriage had turned back into a pumpkin , and the only bed I had was the back seat of my car . My last reprieve came after about five and a half months . Another friend had a room that had become vacant , and she said I could move in for awhile . For free . I was thrilled with this opportunity . I was so close to saving up enough money for my own place , and this would give me the last push I needed . I decided I was going to be the best house guest ever ; I would leave my room every day as if no one lived in it , with the bed made and my suitcase hidden in the closet . I would arise before my friend , have my coffee and leave no trace , and allow her the morning to herself . On weekends , I would disappear entirely , to spend time with my new lover . I behaved the way I would want a roommate to behave . As if they weren 't there . But interestingly , she wasn 't pleased with me at all . She had wanted me to move in with her to be her girlfriend . She wanted a gal pal to drink coffee in the morning with , and to share our trials and tribulations . She wanted a friend with whom she could spend evenings cooking dinner and weekends hitting the bars . I sensed that she was unhappy with me . But at this point , I had possibly saved enough money for first and last month rent for a place of my own . I knew I wanted to live in Mill Valley , about an hour away , and I scoured the Marin newspaper as often as I could . That week , I came down with an illness ; I was sick and dizzy and had a terrible sore throat . I was lying on her couch covered by a blanket , making phone call after phone call , answering want ads for apartments . At last I found something I could afford . It was a one - room " tree house , " or at least that is how the ad billed it . I was intrigued . Coughing and gasping , I talked to the landlord that evening . I told her I was very sick ; could I come and see the apartment the following evening . She agreed . But I never would wait until the following evening . My friend came home that night and said that her mother had been helping with her mortgage , and she had said that unless I left that evening , that she would cut her off . She apologized vehemently , and she felt even worse that I was sick , but I had to pack my bags immediately . I called the landlord up again and said I had to leave my current residence that evening , and would it be possible that I see the room that night , and hopefully rent it immediately . I think she took pity on me and agreed . I 'll never forget climbing the stairs to my tree house that first night . It was difficult to see , and it looked like the stairs led straight up into a tree . She flung open the front door , and switched on a light . And there it was . It was tiny . Much smaller than a hotel room . It had enough room for one double bed , but not much else . The kitchen went against one wall ; and there was a separate bathroom and shower . But it was charming ; all wooden and nestled in the trees ; the kitchen cabinets were beveled decorated glass ; and I found it to be very sweet . " I 'll take it . " " The phone works , " she told me . " But it will be cut off this week , so get it transferred into your name immediately , okay ? " I nodded . When she left , I called my half sister . I told her I had found a place , and I was located only about a mile away from her . I was deathly sick ; and I needed some comfort . " Could you bring me a blanket and a pillow ? " I asked her . She agreed . When she arrived , she was also carrying a bottle of wine . I had no glasses , so I remember us both guzzling it straight out of the bottle . That would be the start of many gatherings in the tree house , which we later dubbed the cubicle . I had a sign near the front door that read , " Cubicle sweet cubicle , " and I eventually got a free couch that folded out into a bed . When I was alone , I would leave the bed out ; I could make a cup of tea in the kitchen while sitting on my bed . And when people came over , I 'd turn the bed back into a couch , and we 'd all sit on the floor , drinking wine and being perfectly happy in this little square that we could call our own . Being homeless had taught me that I would never need much in this world . And I 've always been grateful for what I have . I lived in my cubicle for three years , as I once again saved money for first and last on a larger home . I was grateful every day ; for the warm bed , and the heater . My boyfriend stayed with me on the weekends , and I always felt like we had our own private haven , a sanctuary far from the noise of judgmental friends and family . I was happy . In retrospect , I realize it was very foolish to save money that way ; I had a bank account ; but I didn 't want to know exactly how much money I had saved . It was a little game I 'd play with myself ; shoving every spare dollar I had into that box ; but never really knowing how much I 'd saved . After a few months I 'd count it and would be delighted with the results . I immediately sensed that something wasn 't right . I walked into the cubicle and went directly to the bathroom . I kept a dizzying array of decorations on the back of my toilet , and I knew at first glance that my toilet hadn 't been touched . It would be impossible to work on it , and not disturb everything I had surrounding it . I felt something else in that room ; something smelled of a lie . I immediately ran to my box on the shelf . I opened it . It was empty . The money was gone . I took a deep breath . Every instinct I had told me that my landlord had stolen it . She had decided to snoop in my house when I was gone , came across the money and had created the plumbers as a diversion , and as the possible thieves . She gave me every excuse under the sun as to why she couldn 't give me their number , but I wasn 't listening . Because I already knew there were no plumbers . I went back to the tree house and called the police . I never did recover my money . But the police gave her an exceptionally rough time ; I could hear her screaming and crying below . " Do not call me a thief in front of my kids ! " I heard her cry , and I felt glad . The police told me that they believed it was her , but nothing could be done . I had been kicked back down to square one , with nothing to show for myself but an empty box . The next chapter in my life wasn 't much easier than this one . But I embraced my hardships gladly , as I was living truthfully and following my passion . I no longer felt like a fraud . I was wildly in love , and that relationship would endure happily for sixteen years . And as I had always known , the difficulties made me more and more prolific ; I was inspired to create poetry nearly daily . I had absolutely nothing . But I was still living my dream . I had always known that suffering opens our minds . When things come easily , we only learn a fraction of what we learn when they don 't . I know that the more possessions we want , the less freedom we will have . I know that the more we can bear , the more fearless we become . And I wanted to be fearless . I wanted to be a bald eagle surveying the countryside from the highest peak , and then I wanted to spread my wings , and to dive into freedom . I still feel that way . I was raised in a household that didn 't believe in organized religion . My mother was a staunch atheist , and while my father was a spiritual agnostic , he made no secret of his disdain for most holy convictions . Of course , with regards to my religion , it was always my decision . My parents took me to at least a dozen different churches , to expose me to them , and encouraged me to follow one if any took my fancy . I found these sojourns into various churches utterly fascinating . Each was unique ; from the baroque seriousness of the Catholics , to the festive exuberance of Gospel ; from the glazed serene looks of the Born Again Holy Rollers , to the dancing and chanting of the Hare Krishna 's . I still remember one hippy church that used the 60 's " God 's Eye , " a weaving of colorful yarn over branches laid in a diamond shape , as their focal point . It was odd to " pray " to something I had hanging all over my bedroom at home . Flower children danced up and down the church aisle to folk music . And part of the church was making art . I enjoyed it . But I had no idea why I was praying , or to whom . I was baptized Catholic when I was 11 years old , but this was only because I was embarrassed to be the only child in school without a faith . Most people I knew were Catholic , so I just blindly chose it . But what they said seemed illogical , and shortsighted . When they told us that on judgment day that everyone who hadn 't accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts would go to hell , I knew their outlook made no sense . Surely , I thought , the entire country of China couldn 't be sentenced to eternal damnation , because they didn 't worship Jesus Christ . I decided a genius such as God must be would never commit an entire population to burn for eternity . My friend Linda told me about a Buddhist Group that had just started in our neighborhood . She had already attended one meeting , and had found it intriguing . She urged me to join her , and I quickly agreed . I have always been hungry for new experiences . I immediately went to the library to study this creed , and could find none of their teachings to be contrary to what I believed . Buddhism seemed to be more of a philosophy than a religion ; and a viewpoint that I could support . It seemed to avoid the usual dogma and theology of other religions , and instead centered on the discipline of continual awareness . I could find nothing wrong with teaching myself to be more aware ; especially when no one dictated what I should be aware of . I enjoyed the teachings of Karma and Dharma ; of non - attachment and humility . Even better , Albert Einstein , someone I idolized and had pictures of in my bedroom , thought Buddhism had the " characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future . " It sounded like a religion that transcended the undeveloped ideas of sin , shame , guilt , and the rest . I was prepared to go . That evening I told my parents about the Buddhist Group , and asked permission to stay out past my bedtime . It was also a school night , so I had to discuss this with them first . I thought for certain that they would support my decision to go ; but it was quite the opposite . " This sounds like some sort of a CULT , " they told me , their eyes large with fear . " We don 't want you to go . They 're going to try and brainwash you . " I did everything I could do to argue with their decision . I told them how I had been studying Buddhist doctrine , and that it intrigued me . I told them the location of the meeting , and that I wouldn 't be going alone . But most importantly , I assured them that I could never be brainwashed . I was a thoughtful , curious child , and not easily coerced . I just wanted to go and listen , I told them , with an open mind . And at last they agreed . Linda was friends with an older boy ; he must have been at least 19 years old at the time . It was he who had told her about these meetings initially , and it was he who agreed to pick us up and drive us to the meeting . My mother had assumed a parent would be picking me up , and when she learned it was just a teenager , she followed me out to the driveway to have a word with this boy . It was one of the most animated times I can ever recall my mother behaving ; she grilled him on everything , from the Buddhists to the mechanical safety of his car . She was clearly concerned about my welfare , which made me begin to rethink my decision . Exasperated and embarrassed , I begged her to return to the house , and soon enough we were on our way . The meeting was held at the home of a slight fragile woman , who was introduced as the Leader . When we arrived , we were asked to remove our shoes and take a seat on the floor . There was a strange shrine in the front of the room ; I noticed a piece of parchment paper covered in Japanese lettering which sat center stage , surrounded by a variety of offerings ; fruit , evergreens , incense , and candles . The room was filled with guests . Our Leader picked up a stick and hit a large metal disc that was beside the shrine , and the sound echoed through the room and carried for a long time . When the endless note withered away , finally into silence , she spoke . She uttered words I had never heard before , and she said them slowly . " Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo . " I heard a collective sigh from the group , and soon they all joined in with this strange chant , and the room filled with sound ; low tones from the males , high notes from the females , all blending together in a mesmerizing harmony . Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo . The incantation that filled the room was beautiful , and soon enough I found myself joining in . It was akin to singing , which I enjoyed , but this mantra went on forever . Eventually I began praying it would stop . The incessant hymn must have gone on for forty - five minutes . I was thrilled when the leader eventually rang the bell again . The followers said one more round of the chant , but very slowly , holding out the final " kyo " until they had no more breath . It was over , thankfully . The Leader looked around the room beaming ; I believed she was trying to appear serene and at peace , but it didn 't ring true for me . I pinched Linda 's knee so that we could share a giggle , but she looked stoically forward . " Good evening , " the Leader said at last . " I welcome you all here tonight , and I especially welcome the two young girls that have joined our fold , " she said , giving a nod to Linda and me . " You will need to see me after the meeting so that you can purchase your prayer book , beads and other items you will need , okay ? " I hadn 't realized this enterprise was going to cost me money , and I was immediately put off , but I only nodded . I had no desire to be singled out . " At this time , I would like to hear from the group about all the benefits you received this week from chanting . As we all know , as we recite the precious words Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , we are to focus on a wish that we have for ourselves , our loved ones , and our lives . And those of you who practice this discipline religiously know that your requests are always answered . Who would like to start ? " A woman behind me was flailing her arms excitedly , beseeching the Leader to choose her . Her exhilaration was a tad over the top ; so I was assured that I was about to hear philosophical musings about how this discipline had led to something important ; a new awareness , or inner peace . Perhaps she had wished for something to benefit her fellow man ; or had learned how selflessness leads to the greater good . I spun around so I could see her as she spoke . " I chanted for a new pair of shoes ! " she squealed , " and I got them . We really couldn 't afford them , but after I spent a day chanting , my husband came to me and told me to go ahead and buy them . Thanks Buddha ! " I raised an eyebrow in disgust . And I fully expected that her trivial selfishness would be rebuffed by the group , and looked around , expecting to see narrowed eyebrows of distaste . But on the contrary , the room was beaming ; just as our Leader had been when she began the meeting . And to my horror , the crowd began to applaud , and a few yelled out " way to go , " and that sort of nonsense . It was all so painfully ridiculous to me that I wondered if I was on Candid Camera . The room filled with cigarette smoke , which was perfectly normal at that time . Even at that tender age , I too , smoked - and I asked a young man beside me if he had an extra . Unfortunately for me , however , my quiet request was overheard by the throngs , and as the man handed me a cigarette , the Leader broke into applause . " Our new friend just received a benefit ! She wanted a cigarette , and after chanting this evening , her request was met immediately . You will see that chanting effects big change in your life ; it will create miracles ! " Her speech was met with a round of applause , and several congratulatory rubbings of my shoulder . I wondered if my parents were right ; that this was some sort of a cult . I began to think they were all a bunch of dolts . Most of us , when we are young , haven 't yet learned to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves . And following the meeting , when Linda and I were brought to a back room and given a list of items we needed to purchase ; some mandatory , and others optional , I agreed to make the purchases . I only had enough money with me for one item ; a small blue Buddhist chanting book . Inside was one long chant that went on for pages . " Please begin memorizing this immediately , " I was told . " And next week , bring enough money to buy the rest of the mandatory requirements . " I only nodded , but I felt I had gotten myself involved with something that was a bit more than I could handle . Strangely enough , I can still recite that entire prayer , syllable for syllable , to this day . I did return the following week , and I brought enough money to buy the items required . And I returned the week after that , and the week after that . And although I was highly skeptical about all that went on , I tried to keep an open mind ; I was willing to wait and see what transpired . When you looked at the front of Gohonzon you would see the characters of Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo . But if you turned the Gohonzon on it 's backside it was blank . " Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo is the written law , " we were told . " But you can 't see it . You can 't point to it , or identify it . It is a power that exists . Gohonzon is the mirror of your life . When you look at a mirror you think you are looking at yourself , but it is only an image of your physical self that you are looking at . You can 't see inside yourself - - your thoughts , your spiritual aspect . Gohonzon is the mirror of your heart - - the mirror of your life . You need a mirror so that you know what you look like in your heart . " I grasped the concept of the Gohonzon . But what I didn 't understand was why my fellow Buddhists didn 't seem to mirror or grasp what Buddhism was all about . They were like children , begging Santa Claus for a plethora of unneeded toys . But apparently this piece of paper was very important . " You can not receive full benefits until you receive the Gohonzon , " the Leader told me . " And you cannot receive the Gohonzon until you are blessed officially into the church . " And with that , I was taken in the back room , and I was scheduled for a baptism . The following Saturday , I was driven in a van with other worshipers to a church somewhere far away . I was thrilled when we finally arrived , and stared out the window at the huge modern building that rose from the parking lot . The temple was called " The Jonathan Livingston Seagull , " named after a popular novella written the year prior ; a fable about a seagull learning about life and flight , possibly reincarnation ; and a homily about self - perfection . The book was extremely popular , but I giggled to myself over the name . It struck me as trite . The church was large , and to my surprise , filled to the rafters with parishioners . And as I tried to find my seat , many of them seemed to barrage me ; beaming that familiar smile at me , offering me everything from candy to illegal drugs . I didn 't want to judge anyone , but many of them seemed a bit off - kilter to me , and there were multitudes of homeless , addicts , and the like . The service quickly got under way . It began just as the smaller meetings did , with the familiar strike on a metal disc , but at this church the disc was enormous ; it was a large gong , and it was hit with something the size of a baseball bat . Immediately the congregation broke into the familiar , " Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , " but this time the chant was sung by a group of hundreds ; and the effect of so many voices together was stirring . The chanting always went on for too long , for me , a child of 13 . But on this night , I didn 't mind , because I had been instructed that immediately following the opening ceremony , that the baptisms were next on the agenda . I dreaded it . Soon enough the chanting ceased , and the Leader asked that all people who were being baptized into the church that day to line up in the back . I obediently made my way there , and was pleased to see I wouldn 't be alone ; I joined a half a dozen other people who were to receive their Gohonzon that day . Suddenly , music filled the large hall ; strange , eerie music . " Get down on your knees ! " I was instructed . Well , I didn 't much want to crawl on my knees for anything . But with a hall filled with people watching , I did just that . I crawled . I crawled all the way down the aisle on my hands and knees , and rather than feel humble , I felt humiliated . At the end of the aisle , a man in robes spoke a chant over my head , and then lastly , handed me my Gohonzon . It was rolled up in a scroll , and tied with a narrow red ribbon . After receiving my Gohonzon , I was instructed to leave it in scroll form until members of the temple could come to my house and help me to set up my shrine . There were many regulations regarding this altar ; it had to be housed on a Southern wall , it had to be encased in wood , and it had to have a way to close shut . I was told a wooden fruit cart would even do until I could find something better , and a makeshift cloth could be fashioned to serve as a curtain that could be closed . But regardless , this process had to be supervised , and it had to take place only in conjunction with a ceremony . The last thing I wanted was for these people to come to my house . But they were so persuasive I felt I had to relent , so I agreed to the following Saturday . I have never regretted anything more . My family were all at home ; my parents , my sister and her boyfriend . Imagine my horror when suddenly we all heard the chanting of a dozen or so people coming down the street toward our house . They were loud , and everyone in the neighborhood could hear and see them walking toward our house . My sister 's boyfriend found the whole thing utterly hilarious ; he opened the front door to our home and laughed in their direction , pointing to the group and snickering . I looked out the window and saw them ; they were coming to my house ; they were chanting loudly and with earnestness ; I could see my neighbors across the street peek out of their windows to see who had created such a ruckus ; and I had never felt such embarrassment as I did as this troupe walked right up my own driveway . I wanted to disappear . They knocked on the door , but the chanting never stopped . My mother opened the door , and without an intelligible word , the worshipers swept right by her , pushing her aside , then found me and encircled me . My mother was mouthing to me over their heads , " I want these people out of my house , " and I could only give her a look as if to say , " What can I do ? " They stood around me in a circle , chanting louder and louder ; and at this point my sister 's boyfriend was on the floor , giggling and pounding the carpet . Then the Leader whispered to me that I should lead them to my bedroom . I began to walk and the group followed me ; their chanting getting ever louder . My sister 's boyfriend was in hysterics , yelling out slurs and calling them names , making fun of everything about them . The Leader whispered that I needed to chant as well , but I was too embarrassed . Instead , I pretended to have a coughing fit until all of the church goers were safe in my bedroom . But I wasn 't safe in the slightest ; the laughter never stopped . My Gohonzon was enshrined in a wooden box and nailed to the proper wall of my bedroom . The church people brought fruit , incense , candles , flowers , and everything I needed for a proper alter . I continued to feign a coughing fit throughout ; if only to block out the laughter right outside the door . My face was hot with mortification . I wanted them to leave . I walked several blocks with the church goers as we knocked on door after door . I let the others give their speech ; I usually hid behind the nearest stick of shrubbery . All I could think of was the countless times we 'd encountered the Jehovah Witnesses on the other side of our own door , dressed in their black suits and white shirts , carrying stacks of the " Watchtower " and preaching about their version of God . If we saw them walking toward our door we 'd hide ; and if we accidentally opened the door , it often took at least twenty minutes to get rid of them . I always thought what an imposition it was ; I 've never enjoyed solicitation in any form . And now , here I was with my brethren imposing the same brand of nuisance . When they knocked on the next door , I hid behind the garage . And then I walked away . I walked until I couldn 't walk anymore , until I found a phone booth and called my mother to pick me up . " I 'm done , " I told her on the phone . As my mother chastised me in the car ride home , telling me that I was gullible , I hardly listened . Because I hadn 't been gullible ; I had been open - minded ; something that she wasn 't . But I decided on that car ride home that while I would always seek spirituality , it would never again be in an organized way . I would form my own church called the Church of One , and I would be the only member . The concept of Karma followed me to my Church of One . I find that when I smile , people often smile back ; it seems true that what you put out is what you receive . I know that I choose to live this life with love . And in turn , I am loved . I don 't know what God is . But if there was an artist who designed the Universe , I stand humbled before him , and thank him for the purple mountains , the sunsets like scoops of sherbet , and the gushing green muscles of the ocean . It is nothing short of magnificent . I don 't what God is . But I do see repetitions in nature ; such as the marijuana leaf that is repeated on the shell of a sand dollar ; the branches of trees which resemble our own veins , or the atoms and molecules which are replicas of the solar system . When I notice these patterns , there seems to be order in the chaos . Sometimes I think God is order in the chaos . Sometimes I think he might be a mathematical equation . I don 't know what God is . But I know there isn 't a place with pearly white gates , and angels with harps sitting on fluffy white clouds . And I know there isn 't a spot where men are tortured with fire and brimstone ; a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth for eternity . These concepts are too rudimentary for an artist creative enough to fashion something as inspired as the cosmos . But I do know there is heaven and hell on earth ; in every single moment of our lives and in every single choice . Everything is a compilation of Yin and Yang , half black and half white . And the notion of heaven and hell can only be a metaphor and fable , for the dichotomy of being alive . Along with everything positive , comes an equally powerful negative . I know that science explains much of the mystery of our world . But I also know we don 't know everything . To believe that we do is arrogant and supercilious ; it is hubris . We only have a piece of the puzzle , of that I am sure . I don 't know what faith is . I don 't trust much of what I see around me . But I have faith that I will never know . I have faith that I will die . I don 't know what miracles are . But my body is a miracle . My heart pounding in my chest is a miracle . I marvel to be awake every day , and I honor that gift with being as aware as I can . I know that whether or not there is an afterlife , or some sort of eternal existence , is not the point . Because I am certain that we have to live this one as if it 's all we have , regardless of the truth . To forfeit what is right before you for some blind faith as to what might be in front of you , seems irrational . We need to live as if there are no second chances ; as if there are no rewards or retributions . Heaven and Hell are right here , right now . We have our gifts and we have our punishments , right this very moment . |
I was fast asleep , dreaming the dreams of the innocent . I was 13 years old . But something interrupted my dream . I awoke when I felt a cold metal object being shoved with some urgency into my temple . It was a gun . I have always been an extremely light sleeper . With even the slightest unwelcome sound , I can go from a dream state to completely alert in a flash . A simple sigh in the corner of my room can startle me . So feeling icy steel press against my temple awoke me with a start . I had never seen a gun , much less felt one , but somehow I knew for certain that it was a gun being pressed against my head . I was utterly frozen with fear . I laid there with my eyes closed , my breathing was shallow . I tried not to swallow ; I tried not to make a sound . I heard the gun being cocked . I recognized the sound from television ; that horrid lifeless click that readies the gun for release . I opened my eye into an imperceptible slit , and I could see a man 's pinky finger hanging languidly next to my cheek . It was adorned with a bright gold ring that sported a jewel of some sort ; possibly a diamond . It was a man 's hand , of that I was sure . I had never seen such a fancy ring on a man 's hand before . His other fingers were curled around a metal handle . I could see a finger on the trigger . The steel was shoved harder into my temple . I could feel my heart beating in my throat ; I was certain that my pulsing veins were visible . I prepared myself for death , or even worse ; torture . I waited . I had always been a weary child ; I was terrified that one day I would be kidnapped , tortured , and murdered . I would run from a car if I saw a man driving it ; and black cars especially terrified me , because that was the color of the car of a kidnapper who took a child in my neighborhood , when I was five . Black cars and strange men spoke to me of unspeakable horrors ; and I vowed to do what ever I needed to do to never get caught in a predator 's web . Each day when I came home from school , I would check the entire house thoroughly ; I would check behind the shower curtain , in every closet , and in every possible hiding place for an intruder . It was a ritual I did every day before I could settle down in my own home . It was as if I had always known a terrible time was coming , and here it was . Suddenly the man bellowed with laughter . I sprung upright and leapt from my bed in an instant , and saw my sister 's boyfriend standing in my dark bedroom , a revolver in his hand . The gleam of the silver pistol looked luminous in the moonlight and only that and his teeth showed up in the dark . " What are you doing ? " I choked . While I felt relieved that I knew my midnight intruder , I hardly felt safe . I didn 't trust this man , not even a little bit . He laughed again . " And check out my new ring baby ! " he said , wiggling his pinky in my direction . It was the same finger I had seen dangling near my cheek when he held the gun to my head . " That diamond must be a carat at least . Ever seen anything like it ? " " Get up ! Get up ! " he screamed excitedly , " You 'll want to see this . " And in a moment he was hollering and shouting and turning on all the lights in the house . He was bellowing for my sister to wake up ; she was still fast asleep . Unlike me , my sister slept like the dead . He entered her room and started shaking her , while singing a Rolling Stones song as loud as he could . Finally I heard her sleepy voice , asking him what he was doing . He could hardly contain himself ; he sounded like a little boy on Christmas morning , anxious for us to share in his bounty from Santa Claus . It was only my sister and I in the house ; there was no adult supervision . When I was close to being a teenager , my Dad decided he couldn 't tolerate living with two girls in their teens . " I know what goes on with girls your age , " he would often tell us , and frankly I didn 't know what he was talking about . It felt as though he was accusing me of doing something I wasn 't doing ; it was as though we were suddenly bad girls , and he could no longer tolerate us . My father decided to build a new house for the family , but this time he built two houses ; one for my mother and him , and the other for my sister and me . They were completely separate units , with a courtyard in the middle . Our unit had no kitchen , but most everything else we might want . We each had our own room , and shared a living room and bathroom . It was the early 70 's , and the room had a water bed that served as a couch , a black and white television , and a good stereo . The rug was a thick white shag carpet ; a popular look in the day , and we had a hanging wicker chair , and multitudes of hanging plants in macramé plant holders . I never felt safe there . While I was only in 8th grade , my sister was a senior in High School , and once her friends caught wind that we had our own place , it became the hang out for seemingly every young person in a ten mile radius . Since we never locked our doors , the kids would gather there even if we weren 't home ; and I would often come home from school to a living room filled with older kids , smoking marijuana and drinking beer . There were days I would long to come home to an empty house ; perhaps turn on the television and have some cookies and milk . But instead I was faced daily by a rowdy scene ; raucous music , drinking games , and unruly behavior . One of their favorite things to do was to torture our pet rat . They began by blowing pot smoke into his cage , until he went insane ; he would no longer stay in his cage and would roam the house looking for marijuana . If he found a bag , he 'd eat right through the plastic baggy , seemingly addicted to the stuff . They also liked putting him in the freezer and leaving him in there almost too long , or putting him in a hanging plant , and twisting the macramé around and around until it was wound up tight , then releasing it and laughing as the rat went for a dizzying ride . I hated it . Even more , I hated that we had no parents present to stop some of the behavior , especially when it seemed dangerous to me . And it often did . But I never let on how afraid I was , and began partying with the older kids , which was much too soon . My sister 's boyfriend had begun to have his fun with me on a daily basis . His favorite game was to lie in wait for me in the bathroom . Everyone knew that I got up several times in the night to use the bathroom , and he would hide in the shadows ; usually behind the shower curtain . And when I 'd come in sleepy with my eyes half shut , he would pounce on top of me , and would do everything he could to feel me up . His hands would be everywhere ; down my pajama pants and up my shirt . If I were to complain , he 'd shove me up against the wall and put his hand over my mouth . Then he 'd whisper deep into my ear , and the sound would make me cringe . " You don 't want your sister to hear us , do you ? Don 't you think it would hurt her feelings if she knew how much I wanted you ? " He would hold me there until I nodded , and then he 'd release me . Then he 'd laugh silently and allow me return to my bed . This became a nightly ritual . I was very developed for my age , and I began to wear bras and panties to bed , underneath my pajamas . I would do anything to create one more barrier between his wandering hands and me . But that didn 't stop him . Eventually I began to go into the back yard to go to the bathroom . But he was a light sleeper too , and the minute he heard movement in my bedroom , he 'd find me . My sister , on the other hand , slept through anything . One night I was sneaking out to go the bathroom . I opened the front door as quietly as I could , and I dashed into the night . I hovered in the darkness , looking for a corner of the yard in the shadows , when I felt his arm grab me by the neck . His breath was in my ear ; it smelled of beer . " I love you , don 't you realize that yet ? " " I can 't . You 're all I think about , night and day . I want you so bad . But you can 't tell your sister . You don 't want to hurt her , do you ? " He terrified me . So on the night he held a gun to my head , I really couldn 't be sure of what his intentions might be . And even by the time my sister finally awoke and crawled out of bed , my heart was still thumping loudly in my chest . I had never seen him as erratic as he was that night , turning on every light in the house , and yelling excitedly , as he began to move a large array of items through our front door . I walked into the living room and watched him ; he had radios , stereos , jewelry , records ; I can 't remember all that he had , but he began piling it into the center of the room , all the while talking excitedly . My sister emerged from her bedroom , rubbing her eyes and hardly conscious . It always took her forever to wake up and I could tell she wasn 't really registering what was going on . She finally asked , " What is all of this stuff ? " " We ripped off a house , baby , we ripped off a house ! And we scored BIG time . Look at this ring ; that 's a diamond . Check it out ! Man , it was a rush . What a night ! We cleaned those suckers OUT ! " My sister stared dumbfounded . Then she woke up . " ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU ROBBED A HOUSE ? " She yelled this , and I felt relieved ; she was the closest thing to an adult that I had . I needed some guidance ; I needed a firm hand . I needed someone to yell . " Hey baby , where am I supposed to take it ? My Dad is a COP , " he said laughing , appreciating the irony of the situation . " I have to stash it here for awhile . " My sister walked over to where the stereo was lying in the middle of the floor . We both stared at it . It was stunningly beautiful ; the owner had encased it in a striking wooden case , which had obviously been handcrafted . Each detail was perfect . My sister broke into tears . " Someone made this ! " she sobbed . " Someone made this wood case ! Someone spent hours and hours on this ! They made this with love ! And you just go and STEAL it ? YOU MAKE ME SICK . You take it all back or I don 't want to ever see you again ! " " How can I take it back ? " he asked . " You want me to break in again ? I was lucky I didn 't get caught the first time ! " " Then leave it on the porch . Leave it at the front door . I don 't care , but YOU ' RE TAKING IT BACK RIGHT NOW . " I had never seen him look so sheepish . And he did take it all back . In my life , I have often wondered what it must have been like for those people ; to come home to find everything valuable they owned on their front porch . I was mesmerized by how she handled the situation ; she had a force that I did not have . She had a strength that I did not have . And that night after he returned from taking back his loot , I heard them arguing for hours in bed , and he doing everything in his power to charm his way back into her good grace . And eventually he did . After that night , he seemed to change his tactics with me . While he still told me he loved me daily , he began to treat me more like a big brother might , or even a father ; he began to pay an inordinate amount of attention to me . He would always ask me what was going on in my life ; he would listen to me drone on and on about all of my problems , and he always seemed interested and willing to help . I never really trusted him , but I began to confide in him little by little , and just like my sister , he began to charm himself back into my good graces . I was very much in love with a young boy in my class , named Barry . Our relationship was innocent and sweet ; and even at that tender age he was romancing me . He brought me a dozen red roses to class one day , and had recently even bought me a gorgeous opal ring . Up until that point , I had never really trusted any man . But I trusted Barry with all of my heart , and although I wasn 't ready for anything too sexual yet , we had begun experimenting a little . My sister 's boyfriend would press me for details , and would warn me all about young boys and their hormones , and what they REALLY wanted . " He loves me , " I 'd tell him . " He would never pressure me . Besides , neither of us is even CLOSE to ready . " " Well , if he does pressure you , you come and tell me , okay ? And I 'll put him in his place , " my sister 's boyfriend would say . I began to believe that he really might have my best interests at heart , and since my step - father never spoke to me in a protective way , I began to crave what I believed was love . It was a few weeks later when we were all at a party a few blocks from home . Our friend Kim didn 't have much adult supervision either , and on this night a rather wild party was going on at her house . I was sitting in the backyard when my sister 's boyfriend came over and began talking to me . We were joking and laughing , and he was trying to wrestle with me . I never enjoyed when he 'd become physical with me ; he was a huge boy and on the football team . But on this night , he wouldn 't stop . I didn 't want to make a fuss , so I laughingly asked him to put me down . But he didn 't . He headed out of the back yard and started walking down the dimly lit street . I kicked and screamed , still laughing , but as he continued his march down the street into the darkness , I became afraid . " Put me down , " I said sternly . " I mean it . " But my commentary was only met with silence , which filled me with dread . The beach was only a block and a half away , and soon I could hear the crashing waves and feel the salt on my lips . He climbed over some rocks that blocked our entrance , all the while holding me in a tight grip , and not saying a word . When he reached the sand , he threw me down and climbed on top of me . I began to sob . " GET OFF ME ; LET ME GO BACK TO THE PARTY . " Still he said nothing . He put one beefy arm across my neck to hold me in place , and with the other hand ripped off my jeans with such force that he broke the zipper . I had borrowed the jeans from my sister that night , after much begging . " I don 't want you to wreck them , " she had told me . And this is the only thing that was going through my head as he began to rip at the rest of my clothes . I screamed as loud as I could , and he took his hand and covered my mouth . Then he raped me . I don 't remember much that happened the rest of that evening . All I remember is going home , and going into my parents unit . My father wasn 't home , and my sister was in bed with my mother crying . And I got into bed with them and started crying too . I had assumed that somehow my sister knew ; and it was too painful to talk about . But she really didn 't know . We never spoke about it again ; not at least , for many years . Then I went into my room and grabbed a pen and paper . Grabbing a pen and paper was something I did almost on a daily basis in those days ; as I was constantly writing poetry . But as I stared at the blank sheet of paper , no poetry came . Only one sentence came to my mind , which I scribbled down . I wrote , " I am still a virgin . " I stared at it , and the words helped me somehow . This didn 't count , it couldn 't count . I wrote the words again . " I am still a virgin . " And then as tears streamed down my cheeks , I wrote it again and again and again . And soon enough I needed a second piece of paper , which I filled up with the same sentence , written ad nauseam . I broke up with my boyfriend Barry the following morning . We had been whispering sweet nothings in each others ears for so long ; we had decided we would lose our virginity together , sometime later down the road , and eventually we 'd marry . That dream was now dead , and I couldn 't face him . I broke his heart . My sister 's boyfriend continued to prey on me after that , always threatening to tell my sister if I ever told . I had decided it was my lot in life to do what he said , and to carry that shame . When I was 15 , I fell in love and once my new boyfriend caught wind of it , he told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever laid a hand on me again , that he 'd kill him . The abuse , finally , stopped . But it took me years to realize that none of it had been my fault . And even more years to realize that the gun he held at my head that night was symbolic of my entire relationship with him . I was an adult before I connected to my sexuality again . To me , it was something you did like an actress on a stage , because that 's all it had ever been for me ; a game of pretend . Instead of learning how to fight back , I learned instead how to take it . Men could hit me , men could lie to me , men could rape me ; but they could never touch my soul . And whenever a man treated me badly , I 'd rise above it , and I would say to myself , " go ahead and give it to me . This doesn 't hurt me . You can 't touch me . The only person this hurts is you . " Of course that 's not true . It 's a defense mechanism we learn in order to cope . And I suppose I 've developed many of those in my journey through life . But the secret of shame is always stamped upon your soul ; a faint , indelible watermark . My child will always be face down on the floor ; a little unstrung puppet , kicking to disappear , her face red with panic , her tiny fists bloody from pounding on a cement wall . The sheets still grow heavy with the thought of a lecher 's kiss ; and the sin , the sin , flicks on and off like a nauseating fluorescent light , outside of the dive bar of my mind . There will always be a permanent smell . I know life deals us blows . But I know that every morning when I wake up , I 'm still singing . I 'm still laughing . I 'm still dancing . There is a place inside of each of us that is untouchable . It is where the angels swim , and the stars swim too . And sadly , where indifference swims as well . Please feel free to leave comments below . And if you enjoy what you read , please become a follower by pressing the ' following ' button on the left of the blog . Thanks so much for visiting ! I will understand if that statement causes you to have a particular image of me . I think most of us create a picture of what we perceive a homeless person to be ; perhaps someone who is lazy , or simply chooses not to work or be productive . Perhaps you imagine frail , dispossessed bums sleeping under plastic bags in subways and doorways . Perhaps you imagine beggars who reach out a shaky hand for coins , or the insane screaming out profanities while searching through dumpsters . I suppose those are the obvious images . But I promise you that there are homeless who walk among us we would never recognize . I was one of those . I thought of myself as homeless in panty hose . I left my husband in the middle of the night . The truth had finally come out that I had fallen in love with another man , and my new relationship was controversial to say the least . Hardly anyone approved , and I was seemingly ostracized over night . It had been an exhausting weekend ; my new lover and I met with parents , siblings and friends who screamed , shouted and cried about our choices , begging us to come to our senses . But there was no going back for either of us ; we were in love . This emotional spectacle culminated Sunday night when I went home to tell my husband . It was a draining marathon of heartache and arguing , and I was so exhausted from emotional stress that I wanted nothing more than to get into my marital bed and fall asleep . It was about midnight ; I had come in earlier and awoke him to tell him my news . After hours of tears , my husband was still in our bed , covering his face with his hands . As much as I wanted to suggest that we continue the discussion in the morning , I knew that it would be cruel to prolong his agony . I opened the closet and pulled down a suitcase , hurriedly stuffed it with clothes and toiletries , zipped it shut , then softly said " Goodbye . " I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that none of it was his fault , but the words never came . I waited for a moment to see if he 'd respond , but the room was quiet . I walked out the front door and never looked back . I used a joint credit card to fill my tank with gas as I sped away from town . It was the last money I would use of the funds I shared with my husband ; I left with only my clothes and nothing else . I never fought for 50 % of our assets , and I signed off on property that we mutually owned . That night after I filled my gas tank , I cut all of our credit cards in two . Then I put my key in the ignition , and when the engine came to life , I felt I had sprouted wings , and that I was flying to freedom . I had no idea where I was going . But soon I had turned up the radio loud , and I was singing . The future was unknown , and I was excited to begin a new life . The only problem was , I had nowhere to sleep and I had to be at work by 8 : 00 a . m . And I had no watch . That first night of homelessness is as clear to me as any other memory of my life . I parked my car at a rest stop at the beach , and then sat for a long time on a chilly precipice , staring out over the ocean highlighted by a blue tinged moon . I had no idea the time , but I knew it was very late . If I wasn 't so exhausted that first night , I don 't think I would have ever fallen asleep . But I climbed into the backseat of my car , rolled some clothes into a ball to serve as a pillow , and covering myself with a jacket , I soon fell asleep . When I awoke , it was daylight . I jumped out of the car and started going through my suitcase , hurriedly looking for my work clothes . Soon I was sitting on a rock ; the sand blowing in my face , and the ocean crashing loudly beside me . It was cold and the wind was whipping through my hair . But I laughed as I realized what a comic sight I was . I was struggling to put on my panty hose ; one foot at a time , and trying not to rip them as I stood on the rough terrain of the cliff . In those days I wore skirts , hose and heels to work ; it was what was considered to be appropriate business attire . I detested panty hose with a passion , and the heels would make my feet ache by the end of every day . But on this morning , it was more disturbing than usual , I remember , trying to crawl into them on the beach . I was homeless in panty hose . Needless to say , I was late for work that morning , as well as other mornings thereafter . The ironic thing was I had always been exceptionally prompt ; but waking up in a car without a time piece made arriving at work on time somewhat difficult . When my boss called me in to his office to complain about my tardiness , I spat back that I was homeless and living on the beach . He was a lot more lenient after that . It was my first accounting job , and I worked in the Accounts Payable department . Earnings were meager , but I was saving every available penny I could toward first and last month 's rent for an apartment of my own . Well , not every penny . I made a very important allowance . On weekends , I would meet my new lover at hotels . It was a big expenditure , but a necessary one , as it was the only time I was able to shower . It was also a reprieve from my every day existence , which was more than surreal . For two days I would have love , luxury and soap , and for that brief time I could distance myself from my cruel reality . But Monday morning would come too soon , and my new boyfriend would return to his family home , where he still lived with his parents . I would go off to work , and once again become the lonely waif sleeping in the salt air by night , and working at a job I despised by day . My dinner routine was the same most evenings . Down the street from my office was an upscale bar and restaurant . They featured a fabulous happy hour , which featured a complete spread of delicious appetizers . I would order water with lime with a straw ; so no one ever suspected I was eating for free . I realized that looking well dressed and coifed offered me many advantages that other homeless people did not have . And I took advantage of it whenever I could . But that wasn 't the only way I got food . I remember one painful night when I spotted a group of patrons leaving a pizza parlor with nearly a half of a pie left on the table . I watched them through the open door of the restaurant , still certain that they would end up packing up the pie and taking it home , but they all got up from the table and just left it there . I wanted that pizza so badly ; I think I could have done nearly anything to have a slice of it . I was literally salivating at the thought of a hot meal . It was a moment of truth ; I knew I wouldn 't have long to take it before the waitress cleared the table ; but doing what I was contemplating doing was mortifying . At the last possible moment I dashed in and scooped up as much pizza as I could in a napkin , and skulked out the door like a thief in the night . I disappeared into an alleyway to eat my score ; and it was so hot and delicious I couldn 't eat it fast enough . At that moment I didn 't feel that different from the homeless that search the dumpsters . The only difference is that I had a camouflage , and could sneak into an establishment without raising an eyebrow . I think that was my first real lesson in compassion . Although most of my family and friends had washed their hands of me and my choices during that period , I had a few friends that stepped up whenever they could . My best friend at the time was planning on going to Europe for a month and offered me her room in her flat in San Francisco . She lived with two roommates I had never met ; both gay psychiatrists . It was a difficult decision for me , because she didn 't offer me her room for free ; I would have to pay her share of the rent for that month , which would delay my saving up money for own apartment , which was a priority . But I was so desperate to have a bed , shower , and a kitchen , that I took her up on her offer . The first night that I arrived , I was shown to my room by my new roommates . Being that they were both psychiatrists , I was excited to meet them ; and I also felt it might be soothing to be in the bosom of trained professionals who would understand my stress , and maybe even help me . But I was wrong . " We know what is happening in your life , and frankly we don 't approve . So we know Sheila is your friend , and you 'll be here a month , but we want to see the least of you as possible . Tonight we 're having a party , and we don 't want you to come out of your room . So if you need to buy something for dinner , we suggest you buy it now . There 's a market across the street . " Their words stung me to my core . " Is there a television I could borrow for the evening then ? " I asked . I thought a television might make it somewhat tolerable . I felt on the verge of tears . " No , " was all they said , and with that they turned a very effeminate heel toward the door . That evening was painful , as I sat on the bed trying to read some silly magazine I found in her room , with the sounds of frivolity right outside my door . I was starving and didn 't have fifty cents in my pocket . I wondered what delicious appetizers might be displayed in the next room . I would have loved nothing more than to have a cocktail and mingle with people and laugh and forget . But it wasn 't to be . The first two weeks in that house were a nightmare . But it all changed the day my biological father called me there . He asked me what my address was , and after I gave it to him , he informed he was coming over to kill me . I suppose on most levels , I knew he wasn 't going to kill me . He was a passionate Sicilian after all , and he was angry with me . But I still didn 't know him very well at that point , and there was a modicum of doubt that crept in my psyche . I burst into tears . The two doctors overheard me , and for some unknown reason , they were suddenly gushing with empathy . They sat on either side of me on my temporary bed , and flung their arms around me ; and they told me it would be okay . They urged me to open up about my side of the story ; why I had left my husband , and the controversial relationship I was now involved with . Because my new relationship was unusual and rather taboo , they related their own experience of being chastised for being homosexual to mine ; and we talked long about prejudice . And by the time the three of us heard a hard angry knock on the front door , we had become the best of friends . " We won 't let your father kill you ! " they announced , and ran down the stairs to confront my father . They protected me like fierce kittens ; and wouldn 't let my father inside the house until he agreed to behave himself . I had two weeks more in that house , but after that , I was back on the street for several months in a row . I remember I had one delicious respite in all of that time , and that was the evening that my friend Linda offered me her beach house for one moonlit night . She and all of her roommates were leaving on an overnight trip ; and she gave me the key to her house . It was a lovely sprawling home ; sitting right on the cliff , with the ocean crashing against the enormous picture windows that lined the living room . She had left me a series of notes all over the house , leading me on a virtual treasure hunt of delights . My first note was on the dining room table next to a bottle of red wine , a corkscrew , and a glass . It read , " It 's time to kick off your shoes and transport yourself to a world of tranquility . Begin by enjoying this wine . " Next I was sent toward a group of candles and a box of matches . " Light these candles , sip on your wine , and listen to the ocean . " Following that , I was instructed to turn on the stereo , where my favorite artist was playing . My hunt then led me back to the kitchen where a gourmet meal was waiting for me . " Pop this in the oven at 350 degrees , and enjoy . There 's a salad in the fridge . " The last note led to my bed . I laughed when I entered the bedroom ; I encountered an enormous bright pink velvet bed ; something you might find in Cinderella 's castle . It was piled high with pink silk pillows . I felt like a fairy princess , and I didn 't much care where I 'd left my glass slipper . The crashing of the waves sounded very different that night than they did when I slept on the beach , and I learned a lesson that night about gratitude . But when I awoke the next morning , my carriage had turned back into a pumpkin , and the only bed I had was the back seat of my car . My last reprieve came after about five and a half months . Another friend had a room that had become vacant , and she said I could move in for awhile . For free . I was thrilled with this opportunity . I was so close to saving up enough money for my own place , and this would give me the last push I needed . I decided I was going to be the best house guest ever ; I would leave my room every day as if no one lived in it , with the bed made and my suitcase hidden in the closet . I would arise before my friend , have my coffee and leave no trace , and allow her the morning to herself . On weekends , I would disappear entirely , to spend time with my new lover . I behaved the way I would want a roommate to behave . As if they weren 't there . But interestingly , she wasn 't pleased with me at all . She had wanted me to move in with her to be her girlfriend . She wanted a gal pal to drink coffee in the morning with , and to share our trials and tribulations . She wanted a friend with whom she could spend evenings cooking dinner and weekends hitting the bars . I sensed that she was unhappy with me . But at this point , I had possibly saved enough money for first and last month rent for a place of my own . I knew I wanted to live in Mill Valley , about an hour away , and I scoured the Marin newspaper as often as I could . That week , I came down with an illness ; I was sick and dizzy and had a terrible sore throat . I was lying on her couch covered by a blanket , making phone call after phone call , answering want ads for apartments . At last I found something I could afford . It was a one - room " tree house , " or at least that is how the ad billed it . I was intrigued . Coughing and gasping , I talked to the landlord that evening . I told her I was very sick ; could I come and see the apartment the following evening . She agreed . But I never would wait until the following evening . My friend came home that night and said that her mother had been helping with her mortgage , and she had said that unless I left that evening , that she would cut her off . She apologized vehemently , and she felt even worse that I was sick , but I had to pack my bags immediately . I called the landlord up again and said I had to leave my current residence that evening , and would it be possible that I see the room that night , and hopefully rent it immediately . I think she took pity on me and agreed . I 'll never forget climbing the stairs to my tree house that first night . It was difficult to see , and it looked like the stairs led straight up into a tree . She flung open the front door , and switched on a light . And there it was . It was tiny . Much smaller than a hotel room . It had enough room for one double bed , but not much else . The kitchen went against one wall ; and there was a separate bathroom and shower . But it was charming ; all wooden and nestled in the trees ; the kitchen cabinets were beveled decorated glass ; and I found it to be very sweet . " I 'll take it . " " The phone works , " she told me . " But it will be cut off this week , so get it transferred into your name immediately , okay ? " I nodded . When she left , I called my half sister . I told her I had found a place , and I was located only about a mile away from her . I was deathly sick ; and I needed some comfort . " Could you bring me a blanket and a pillow ? " I asked her . She agreed . When she arrived , she was also carrying a bottle of wine . I had no glasses , so I remember us both guzzling it straight out of the bottle . That would be the start of many gatherings in the tree house , which we later dubbed the cubicle . I had a sign near the front door that read , " Cubicle sweet cubicle , " and I eventually got a free couch that folded out into a bed . When I was alone , I would leave the bed out ; I could make a cup of tea in the kitchen while sitting on my bed . And when people came over , I 'd turn the bed back into a couch , and we 'd all sit on the floor , drinking wine and being perfectly happy in this little square that we could call our own . Being homeless had taught me that I would never need much in this world . And I 've always been grateful for what I have . I lived in my cubicle for three years , as I once again saved money for first and last on a larger home . I was grateful every day ; for the warm bed , and the heater . My boyfriend stayed with me on the weekends , and I always felt like we had our own private haven , a sanctuary far from the noise of judgmental friends and family . I was happy . In retrospect , I realize it was very foolish to save money that way ; I had a bank account ; but I didn 't want to know exactly how much money I had saved . It was a little game I 'd play with myself ; shoving every spare dollar I had into that box ; but never really knowing how much I 'd saved . After a few months I 'd count it and would be delighted with the results . I immediately sensed that something wasn 't right . I walked into the cubicle and went directly to the bathroom . I kept a dizzying array of decorations on the back of my toilet , and I knew at first glance that my toilet hadn 't been touched . It would be impossible to work on it , and not disturb everything I had surrounding it . I felt something else in that room ; something smelled of a lie . I immediately ran to my box on the shelf . I opened it . It was empty . The money was gone . I took a deep breath . Every instinct I had told me that my landlord had stolen it . She had decided to snoop in my house when I was gone , came across the money and had created the plumbers as a diversion , and as the possible thieves . She gave me every excuse under the sun as to why she couldn 't give me their number , but I wasn 't listening . Because I already knew there were no plumbers . I went back to the tree house and called the police . I never did recover my money . But the police gave her an exceptionally rough time ; I could hear her screaming and crying below . " Do not call me a thief in front of my kids ! " I heard her cry , and I felt glad . The police told me that they believed it was her , but nothing could be done . I had been kicked back down to square one , with nothing to show for myself but an empty box . The next chapter in my life wasn 't much easier than this one . But I embraced my hardships gladly , as I was living truthfully and following my passion . I no longer felt like a fraud . I was wildly in love , and that relationship would endure happily for sixteen years . And as I had always known , the difficulties made me more and more prolific ; I was inspired to create poetry nearly daily . I had absolutely nothing . But I was still living my dream . I had always known that suffering opens our minds . When things come easily , we only learn a fraction of what we learn when they don 't . I know that the more possessions we want , the less freedom we will have . I know that the more we can bear , the more fearless we become . And I wanted to be fearless . I wanted to be a bald eagle surveying the countryside from the highest peak , and then I wanted to spread my wings , and to dive into freedom . I still feel that way . I was raised in a household that didn 't believe in organized religion . My mother was a staunch atheist , and while my father was a spiritual agnostic , he made no secret of his disdain for most holy convictions . Of course , with regards to my religion , it was always my decision . My parents took me to at least a dozen different churches , to expose me to them , and encouraged me to follow one if any took my fancy . I found these sojourns into various churches utterly fascinating . Each was unique ; from the baroque seriousness of the Catholics , to the festive exuberance of Gospel ; from the glazed serene looks of the Born Again Holy Rollers , to the dancing and chanting of the Hare Krishna 's . I still remember one hippy church that used the 60 's " God 's Eye , " a weaving of colorful yarn over branches laid in a diamond shape , as their focal point . It was odd to " pray " to something I had hanging all over my bedroom at home . Flower children danced up and down the church aisle to folk music . And part of the church was making art . I enjoyed it . But I had no idea why I was praying , or to whom . I was baptized Catholic when I was 11 years old , but this was only because I was embarrassed to be the only child in school without a faith . Most people I knew were Catholic , so I just blindly chose it . But what they said seemed illogical , and shortsighted . When they told us that on judgment day that everyone who hadn 't accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts would go to hell , I knew their outlook made no sense . Surely , I thought , the entire country of China couldn 't be sentenced to eternal damnation , because they didn 't worship Jesus Christ . I decided a genius such as God must be would never commit an entire population to burn for eternity . My friend Linda told me about a Buddhist Group that had just started in our neighborhood . She had already attended one meeting , and had found it intriguing . She urged me to join her , and I quickly agreed . I have always been hungry for new experiences . I immediately went to the library to study this creed , and could find none of their teachings to be contrary to what I believed . Buddhism seemed to be more of a philosophy than a religion ; and a viewpoint that I could support . It seemed to avoid the usual dogma and theology of other religions , and instead centered on the discipline of continual awareness . I could find nothing wrong with teaching myself to be more aware ; especially when no one dictated what I should be aware of . I enjoyed the teachings of Karma and Dharma ; of non - attachment and humility . Even better , Albert Einstein , someone I idolized and had pictures of in my bedroom , thought Buddhism had the " characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future . " It sounded like a religion that transcended the undeveloped ideas of sin , shame , guilt , and the rest . I was prepared to go . That evening I told my parents about the Buddhist Group , and asked permission to stay out past my bedtime . It was also a school night , so I had to discuss this with them first . I thought for certain that they would support my decision to go ; but it was quite the opposite . " This sounds like some sort of a CULT , " they told me , their eyes large with fear . " We don 't want you to go . They 're going to try and brainwash you . " I did everything I could do to argue with their decision . I told them how I had been studying Buddhist doctrine , and that it intrigued me . I told them the location of the meeting , and that I wouldn 't be going alone . But most importantly , I assured them that I could never be brainwashed . I was a thoughtful , curious child , and not easily coerced . I just wanted to go and listen , I told them , with an open mind . And at last they agreed . Linda was friends with an older boy ; he must have been at least 19 years old at the time . It was he who had told her about these meetings initially , and it was he who agreed to pick us up and drive us to the meeting . My mother had assumed a parent would be picking me up , and when she learned it was just a teenager , she followed me out to the driveway to have a word with this boy . It was one of the most animated times I can ever recall my mother behaving ; she grilled him on everything , from the Buddhists to the mechanical safety of his car . She was clearly concerned about my welfare , which made me begin to rethink my decision . Exasperated and embarrassed , I begged her to return to the house , and soon enough we were on our way . The meeting was held at the home of a slight fragile woman , who was introduced as the Leader . When we arrived , we were asked to remove our shoes and take a seat on the floor . There was a strange shrine in the front of the room ; I noticed a piece of parchment paper covered in Japanese lettering which sat center stage , surrounded by a variety of offerings ; fruit , evergreens , incense , and candles . The room was filled with guests . Our Leader picked up a stick and hit a large metal disc that was beside the shrine , and the sound echoed through the room and carried for a long time . When the endless note withered away , finally into silence , she spoke . She uttered words I had never heard before , and she said them slowly . " Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo . " I heard a collective sigh from the group , and soon they all joined in with this strange chant , and the room filled with sound ; low tones from the males , high notes from the females , all blending together in a mesmerizing harmony . Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo . The incantation that filled the room was beautiful , and soon enough I found myself joining in . It was akin to singing , which I enjoyed , but this mantra went on forever . Eventually I began praying it would stop . The incessant hymn must have gone on for forty - five minutes . I was thrilled when the leader eventually rang the bell again . The followers said one more round of the chant , but very slowly , holding out the final " kyo " until they had no more breath . It was over , thankfully . The Leader looked around the room beaming ; I believed she was trying to appear serene and at peace , but it didn 't ring true for me . I pinched Linda 's knee so that we could share a giggle , but she looked stoically forward . " Good evening , " the Leader said at last . " I welcome you all here tonight , and I especially welcome the two young girls that have joined our fold , " she said , giving a nod to Linda and me . " You will need to see me after the meeting so that you can purchase your prayer book , beads and other items you will need , okay ? " I hadn 't realized this enterprise was going to cost me money , and I was immediately put off , but I only nodded . I had no desire to be singled out . " At this time , I would like to hear from the group about all the benefits you received this week from chanting . As we all know , as we recite the precious words Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , we are to focus on a wish that we have for ourselves , our loved ones , and our lives . And those of you who practice this discipline religiously know that your requests are always answered . Who would like to start ? " A woman behind me was flailing her arms excitedly , beseeching the Leader to choose her . Her exhilaration was a tad over the top ; so I was assured that I was about to hear philosophical musings about how this discipline had led to something important ; a new awareness , or inner peace . Perhaps she had wished for something to benefit her fellow man ; or had learned how selflessness leads to the greater good . I spun around so I could see her as she spoke . " I chanted for a new pair of shoes ! " she squealed , " and I got them . We really couldn 't afford them , but after I spent a day chanting , my husband came to me and told me to go ahead and buy them . Thanks Buddha ! " I raised an eyebrow in disgust . And I fully expected that her trivial selfishness would be rebuffed by the group , and looked around , expecting to see narrowed eyebrows of distaste . But on the contrary , the room was beaming ; just as our Leader had been when she began the meeting . And to my horror , the crowd began to applaud , and a few yelled out " way to go , " and that sort of nonsense . It was all so painfully ridiculous to me that I wondered if I was on Candid Camera . The room filled with cigarette smoke , which was perfectly normal at that time . Even at that tender age , I too , smoked - and I asked a young man beside me if he had an extra . Unfortunately for me , however , my quiet request was overheard by the throngs , and as the man handed me a cigarette , the Leader broke into applause . " Our new friend just received a benefit ! She wanted a cigarette , and after chanting this evening , her request was met immediately . You will see that chanting effects big change in your life ; it will create miracles ! " Her speech was met with a round of applause , and several congratulatory rubbings of my shoulder . I wondered if my parents were right ; that this was some sort of a cult . I began to think they were all a bunch of dolts . Most of us , when we are young , haven 't yet learned to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves . And following the meeting , when Linda and I were brought to a back room and given a list of items we needed to purchase ; some mandatory , and others optional , I agreed to make the purchases . I only had enough money with me for one item ; a small blue Buddhist chanting book . Inside was one long chant that went on for pages . " Please begin memorizing this immediately , " I was told . " And next week , bring enough money to buy the rest of the mandatory requirements . " I only nodded , but I felt I had gotten myself involved with something that was a bit more than I could handle . Strangely enough , I can still recite that entire prayer , syllable for syllable , to this day . I did return the following week , and I brought enough money to buy the items required . And I returned the week after that , and the week after that . And although I was highly skeptical about all that went on , I tried to keep an open mind ; I was willing to wait and see what transpired . When you looked at the front of Gohonzon you would see the characters of Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo . But if you turned the Gohonzon on it 's backside it was blank . " Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo is the written law , " we were told . " But you can 't see it . You can 't point to it , or identify it . It is a power that exists . Gohonzon is the mirror of your life . When you look at a mirror you think you are looking at yourself , but it is only an image of your physical self that you are looking at . You can 't see inside yourself - - your thoughts , your spiritual aspect . Gohonzon is the mirror of your heart - - the mirror of your life . You need a mirror so that you know what you look like in your heart . " I grasped the concept of the Gohonzon . But what I didn 't understand was why my fellow Buddhists didn 't seem to mirror or grasp what Buddhism was all about . They were like children , begging Santa Claus for a plethora of unneeded toys . But apparently this piece of paper was very important . " You can not receive full benefits until you receive the Gohonzon , " the Leader told me . " And you cannot receive the Gohonzon until you are blessed officially into the church . " And with that , I was taken in the back room , and I was scheduled for a baptism . The following Saturday , I was driven in a van with other worshipers to a church somewhere far away . I was thrilled when we finally arrived , and stared out the window at the huge modern building that rose from the parking lot . The temple was called " The Jonathan Livingston Seagull , " named after a popular novella written the year prior ; a fable about a seagull learning about life and flight , possibly reincarnation ; and a homily about self - perfection . The book was extremely popular , but I giggled to myself over the name . It struck me as trite . The church was large , and to my surprise , filled to the rafters with parishioners . And as I tried to find my seat , many of them seemed to barrage me ; beaming that familiar smile at me , offering me everything from candy to illegal drugs . I didn 't want to judge anyone , but many of them seemed a bit off - kilter to me , and there were multitudes of homeless , addicts , and the like . The service quickly got under way . It began just as the smaller meetings did , with the familiar strike on a metal disc , but at this church the disc was enormous ; it was a large gong , and it was hit with something the size of a baseball bat . Immediately the congregation broke into the familiar , " Nam myo ho ren - ge kyo , " but this time the chant was sung by a group of hundreds ; and the effect of so many voices together was stirring . The chanting always went on for too long , for me , a child of 13 . But on this night , I didn 't mind , because I had been instructed that immediately following the opening ceremony , that the baptisms were next on the agenda . I dreaded it . Soon enough the chanting ceased , and the Leader asked that all people who were being baptized into the church that day to line up in the back . I obediently made my way there , and was pleased to see I wouldn 't be alone ; I joined a half a dozen other people who were to receive their Gohonzon that day . Suddenly , music filled the large hall ; strange , eerie music . " Get down on your knees ! " I was instructed . Well , I didn 't much want to crawl on my knees for anything . But with a hall filled with people watching , I did just that . I crawled . I crawled all the way down the aisle on my hands and knees , and rather than feel humble , I felt humiliated . At the end of the aisle , a man in robes spoke a chant over my head , and then lastly , handed me my Gohonzon . It was rolled up in a scroll , and tied with a narrow red ribbon . After receiving my Gohonzon , I was instructed to leave it in scroll form until members of the temple could come to my house and help me to set up my shrine . There were many regulations regarding this altar ; it had to be housed on a Southern wall , it had to be encased in wood , and it had to have a way to close shut . I was told a wooden fruit cart would even do until I could find something better , and a makeshift cloth could be fashioned to serve as a curtain that could be closed . But regardless , this process had to be supervised , and it had to take place only in conjunction with a ceremony . The last thing I wanted was for these people to come to my house . But they were so persuasive I felt I had to relent , so I agreed to the following Saturday . I have never regretted anything more . My family were all at home ; my parents , my sister and her boyfriend . Imagine my horror when suddenly we all heard the chanting of a dozen or so people coming down the street toward our house . They were loud , and everyone in the neighborhood could hear and see them walking toward our house . My sister 's boyfriend found the whole thing utterly hilarious ; he opened the front door to our home and laughed in their direction , pointing to the group and snickering . I looked out the window and saw them ; they were coming to my house ; they were chanting loudly and with earnestness ; I could see my neighbors across the street peek out of their windows to see who had created such a ruckus ; and I had never felt such embarrassment as I did as this troupe walked right up my own driveway . I wanted to disappear . They knocked on the door , but the chanting never stopped . My mother opened the door , and without an intelligible word , the worshipers swept right by her , pushing her aside , then found me and encircled me . My mother was mouthing to me over their heads , " I want these people out of my house , " and I could only give her a look as if to say , " What can I do ? " They stood around me in a circle , chanting louder and louder ; and at this point my sister 's boyfriend was on the floor , giggling and pounding the carpet . Then the Leader whispered to me that I should lead them to my bedroom . I began to walk and the group followed me ; their chanting getting ever louder . My sister 's boyfriend was in hysterics , yelling out slurs and calling them names , making fun of everything about them . The Leader whispered that I needed to chant as well , but I was too embarrassed . Instead , I pretended to have a coughing fit until all of the church goers were safe in my bedroom . But I wasn 't safe in the slightest ; the laughter never stopped . My Gohonzon was enshrined in a wooden box and nailed to the proper wall of my bedroom . The church people brought fruit , incense , candles , flowers , and everything I needed for a proper alter . I continued to feign a coughing fit throughout ; if only to block out the laughter right outside the door . My face was hot with mortification . I wanted them to leave . I walked several blocks with the church goers as we knocked on door after door . I let the others give their speech ; I usually hid behind the nearest stick of shrubbery . All I could think of was the countless times we 'd encountered the Jehovah Witnesses on the other side of our own door , dressed in their black suits and white shirts , carrying stacks of the " Watchtower " and preaching about their version of God . If we saw them walking toward our door we 'd hide ; and if we accidentally opened the door , it often took at least twenty minutes to get rid of them . I always thought what an imposition it was ; I 've never enjoyed solicitation in any form . And now , here I was with my brethren imposing the same brand of nuisance . When they knocked on the next door , I hid behind the garage . And then I walked away . I walked until I couldn 't walk anymore , until I found a phone booth and called my mother to pick me up . " I 'm done , " I told her on the phone . As my mother chastised me in the car ride home , telling me that I was gullible , I hardly listened . Because I hadn 't been gullible ; I had been open - minded ; something that she wasn 't . But I decided on that car ride home that while I would always seek spirituality , it would never again be in an organized way . I would form my own church called the Church of One , and I would be the only member . The concept of Karma followed me to my Church of One . I find that when I smile , people often smile back ; it seems true that what you put out is what you receive . I know that I choose to live this life with love . And in turn , I am loved . I don 't know what God is . But if there was an artist who designed the Universe , I stand humbled before him , and thank him for the purple mountains , the sunsets like scoops of sherbet , and the gushing green muscles of the ocean . It is nothing short of magnificent . I don 't what God is . But I do see repetitions in nature ; such as the marijuana leaf that is repeated on the shell of a sand dollar ; the branches of trees which resemble our own veins , or the atoms and molecules which are replicas of the solar system . When I notice these patterns , there seems to be order in the chaos . Sometimes I think God is order in the chaos . Sometimes I think he might be a mathematical equation . I don 't know what God is . But I know there isn 't a place with pearly white gates , and angels with harps sitting on fluffy white clouds . And I know there isn 't a spot where men are tortured with fire and brimstone ; a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth for eternity . These concepts are too rudimentary for an artist creative enough to fashion something as inspired as the cosmos . But I do know there is heaven and hell on earth ; in every single moment of our lives and in every single choice . Everything is a compilation of Yin and Yang , half black and half white . And the notion of heaven and hell can only be a metaphor and fable , for the dichotomy of being alive . Along with everything positive , comes an equally powerful negative . I know that science explains much of the mystery of our world . But I also know we don 't know everything . To believe that we do is arrogant and supercilious ; it is hubris . We only have a piece of the puzzle , of that I am sure . I don 't know what faith is . I don 't trust much of what I see around me . But I have faith that I will never know . I have faith that I will die . I don 't know what miracles are . But my body is a miracle . My heart pounding in my chest is a miracle . I marvel to be awake every day , and I honor that gift with being as aware as I can . I know that whether or not there is an afterlife , or some sort of eternal existence , is not the point . Because I am certain that we have to live this one as if it 's all we have , regardless of the truth . To forfeit what is right before you for some blind faith as to what might be in front of you , seems irrational . We need to live as if there are no second chances ; as if there are no rewards or retributions . Heaven and Hell are right here , right now . We have our gifts and we have our punishments , right this very moment . |
Posted by Anna Keating | July 24 , 2013 by Anna Keating Posted in TCC : Reads | Under Art , Books , Catholic Tattoos , Catholicism , Fiction , Flannery O ' Connor , Grace , Parker 's Back , Short Story , TCC : Reads | The great American writer , Flannery O ' Connor , was born into a Catholic family in Georgia , in 1925 . She graduated from Georgia State , and went on to the graduate writing program at the University of Iowa where she published her first short story and , received a publisher 's prize for her novel , Wise Blood . Stricken with lupus , O ' Connor returned to the South and lived and worked on her family 's farm until her death at 39 . She is known for her ironic , subtly allegorical fiction about deceptively backward Southern characters , who undergo transformations , often through pain , violence , or ludicrous religious behavior in pursuit of the holy . O ' Connor often portrayed her characters as touched by divine grace . She once remarked : She wrote her final short story , Parker 's Back , while she was in the hospital dying of lupus . It was published in her last collection Everything That Rises Must Converge . Read " Parker 's Back " the story of O . E . Parker , a man covered with meaningless tattoos who has a life changing experience and gets " God " tattooed on his back only to be shunned by Christians here : Parker 's Back by Flannery O ' Connor . Or , read it below . Then read Everything That Rises Must Converge . Parker 's wife was sitting on the front porch floor , snapping beans . Parker was sitting on the step , some distance away , watching her sullenly . She was plain , plain . The skin on her face was thin and drawn as tight as the skin on an onion and her eyes were gray and sharp like the points of two icepicks . Parker understood why he had married her - he couldn 't have got her any other way - but he couldn 't understand why he stayed with her now . She was pregnant and pregnant women were not his favorite kind . Nevertheless , he stayed as if she had him conjured . He was puzzled and ashamed of himself . The house they rented sat alone save for a single tall pecan tree on a high embankment overlooking a highway . At intervals a car would shoot past below and his wife 's eyes would swerve suspiciously after the sound of it and then come back to rest on the newspaper full of beans in her lap . One of the things she did not approve of was automobiles . In addition to her other bad qualities , she was forever sniffing up sin . She did not smoke or dip , drink whiskey , use bad language or paint her face , and God knew some paint would have improved it , Parker thought . Her being against color , it was the more remarkable that she had married him . Sometimes he supposed that she had married him because she meant to save him . At other times he had a suspicion that she actually liked everything she said she didn 't . He could account for her one way or another ; it was himself he could not understand . If he had been certain she was jealous of the woman he worked for he would have been pleased but more likely she was concerned with the sin that would result if he and the woman took a liking to each other . He had told her that the woman was a hefty young blonde ; in fact she was nearly seventy years old and too dried up to have an interest in anything except getting as much work out of him as she could . Not that an old woman didn 't sometimes get an interest in a young man , particularly if he was as attractive as Parker felt he was , but this old woman looked at him the same way she looked at her old tractor - as if she had to put up with it because it was all she had . The tractor had broken down the second day Parker was on it and she had set him at once to cutting bushes , saying out of the side of her mouth to the nigger , " Everything he touches , he breaks . " She also asked him to wear his shirt when he worked ; Parker had removed it even though the day was not sultry ; he put it back on reluctantly . This ugly woman Parker married was his first wife . He had had other women but he had planned never to get himself tied up legally . He had first seen her one morning when his truck broke down on the highway . He had managed to pull it off the road into a neatly swept yard on which sat a peeling two - room house . He got out and opened the hood of the truck and began to study the motor . Parker had an extra sense that told him when there was a woman nearby watching him . After he had leaned over the motor a few minutes , his neck began to prickle . He cast his eye over the empty yard and porch of the house . A woman he could not see was either nearby beyond a clump of honeysuckle or in the house , watching him out the window . Suddenly Parker began to jump up and down and fling his hand about as if he had mashed it in the machinery . He doubled over and held his hand close to his chest . " God dammit ! " he hollered , " Jesus Christ in hell ! Jesus God Almighty damn ! God dammit to hell ! " he went on , flinging out the same few oaths over and over as loud as he could . " I hurt my hand , " he said . I HURT my hand . " He was so incensed that he forgot that he hadn 't hurt his hand . " My hand may be broke , " he growled although his voice was still unsteady . Parker stuck out his hand and she came closer and looked at it . There was no mark on the palm and she took the hand and turned it over . Her own hand was dry and hot and rough and Parker felt himself jolted back to life by her touch . He looked more closely at her . I don 't want nothing to do with this one , he thought . The girls ' sharp eyes peered at the back of the stubby reddish hand she held . There emblazoned in red and blue was a tattooed eagle perched on a cannon . Parker 's sleeve was rolled to the elbow . Above the eagle a serpent was coiled about a shield and in the spaces between the eagle and the serpent there were hearts , some with arrows through them . Above the serpent there was a spread hand of cards . Every space on the skin of Parker 's arm , from wrist to elbow , was covered in some loud design . The girl gazed at this with an almost stupefied smile of shock , as if she had accidentally grasped a poisonous snake ; she dropped the hand . " I got most of my other ones in foreign parts , " Parker said . " These here I mostly got in the United States . I got my first one when I was only fifteen years old . " Two circles of red appeared like apples on the girl 's cheeks and softened her appearance . Parker was intrigued . He did not for a minute think that she didn 't like tattoos . He had never yet met a woman who was not attracted to them . Parker was fourteen when he saw a man in a fair , tattooed from head to foot . Except for his loins which were girded with a panther hide , the man 's skin was patterned in what seemed from Parker 's distance - he was near the back of the tent , standing on a bench - a single intricate design of brilliant color . The man , who was small and sturdy , moved about on the platform , flexing his muscles so that the arabesque of men and bears and flowers on his skin appeared to have a subtle motion of its own . Parker was filled with emotion , lifted up as some people are when the flag passes . He was a boy whose mouth habitually hung open . He was heavy and earnest , as ordinary as a loaf of bread . When the show was over , he had remained standing on the bench , staring where the tattooed man had been , until the tent was almost empty . Parker had never before felt the least motion of wonder in himself . Until he saw the man at the fair , it did not enter his head that there was anything out of the ordinary about the fact that he existed . Even then it did not enter his head , but a peculiar unease settled in him . It was as if a blind boy had been turned so gently in a different direction that he did not know his destination had been changed . He had his first tattoo some time after - the eagle perched on the cannon . It was done by a local artist . It hurt very little , just enough to make it appear to Parker to be worth doing . This was peculiar too for before he had thought that only what did not hurt was worth doing . The next year he quit school because he was sixteen and could . He went to the trade school for a while , then he quit the trade school and worked for six months in a garage . The only reason he worked at all was to pay for more tattoos . His mother worked in a laundry and could support him , but she would not pay for any tattoo except her name on a heart , which he had put on , grumbling . However , her name was Betty Jean and nobody had to know it was his mother . He found out that the tattoos were attractive to the kind of girls he liked but who had never liked him before . He began to drink beer and get in fights . His mother wept over what was becoming of him . One night she dragged him off to a revival with her , not telling him where they were going . When he saw the big lighted church , he jerked out of her grasp and ran . The next day he lied about his age and joined the navy . Parker was large for the tight sailor 's pants but the silly white cap , sitting low on his forehead , made his face by contrast look thoughtful and almost intense . After a month or two in the navy , his mouth ceased to hang open . His features hardened into the features of a man . He stayed in the navy five years and seemed a natural part of the gray mechanical ship , except for his eyes , which were the same pale slate - color as the ocean and reflected the immense spaces around him as if they were a microcosm of the mysterious sea . In port Parker wandered about comparing the run - down places he was in to Birmingham , Alabama . Everywhere he went he picked up more tattoos . He had stopped having lifeless ones like the anchors and crossed rifles . He had a tiger and a panther on each shoulder , a cobra coiled about a torch on his chest , hawks on his thighs , Elizabeth II and Philip over where his stomach and liver were respectively . He did not care much what the subject was so long as it was colorful ; on his abdomen he had a few obscenities but only because that seemed the proper place for them . Parker would be satisfied with each tattoo about a month , then something about it that had attracted him would wear off . Whenever a decent - sized mirror was available , he would get in front of it and study his overall look . The effect was not of one intricate arabesque of colors but of something haphazard and botched . A huge dissatisfaction would come over him and he would go off and find another tattooist and have another space filled up . The front of Parker was almost completely covered but there were no tattoos on his back . He had no desire for one anywhere he could not readily see it himself . As the space on the front of him for tattoos decreased , his dissatisfaction grew and became general . After one of his furloughs , he didn 't go back to the navy but remained away without official leave , drunk , in a rooming house in a city he did not know . His dissatisfaction , from being chronic and latent , had suddenly become acute and raged in him . It was as if the panther and the lion and the serpents and the eagles and the hawks had penetrated his skin and lived inside him in a raging warfare . The navy caught up with him , put him in the brig for nine months and then gave him a dishonorable discharge . After that Parker decided that country air was the only kind fit to breathe . He rented the shack on the embankment and bought the old truck and took various jobs which he kept as long as it suited him . At the time he met his future wife , he was buying apples by the bushel and selling them for the same price by the pound to isolated homesteaders on back country roads . " All that there , " the woman said , pointing to his arm , " is no better than what a fool Indian would do . It 's a heap of vanity . " She seemed to have found the word she wanted . " Vanity of vanities , " she said . Well what the hell do I care what she thinks of it ? Parker asked himself , but he was plainly bewildered . " I reckon you like one of these better than another anyway , " he said , dallying until he thought of something that would impress her . He thrust the arm back at her . " Which you like best ? " " None of them , " she said , " but the chicken is not as bad as the rest . " " What chicken ? " Parker almost yelled . She pointed to the eagle . " That 's an eagle , " Parker said . " What fool would waste their time having a chicken put on themself ? " " What fool would have any of it ? " the girl said and turned away . She went slowly back to the house and left him there to get going . Parker remained for almost five minutes , looking agape at the dark door she had just entered . The next day he returned with a bushel of apples . He was not one to be outdone by anything that looked like her . He liked women with meat on them , so you don 't feel their muscles , much less their old bones . When he arrived , she was sitting on the top step and the yard was full of children , all as thin and poor as herself ; Parker remembered it was Saturday . He hated to be making up to a woman when there were children around , but it was fortunate he had brought the bushel of apples off the truck . As the children approached him to see what he carried , he gave each child an apple and told it to get lost ; in that way he cleared the whole crowd . The girl did nothing to acknowledge his presence . He might have been a stray pig or goat that had wandered into the yard and she too tired to take up the broom and send it off . He set the bushel of apples down next to her on the step . He sat down on a lower step . She took an apple quickly as if the basket might disappear if she didn 't make haste . Hungry people made Parker nervous . He had always had plenty to eat himself . He grew very uncomfortable . He reasoned he had nothing to say so why should he say it ? He could not think now why he had come or why he didn 't go before he wasted another bushel of apples on the crowd of children . He supposed they were her brothers and sisters . She chewed the apple slowly but with a kind of relish of concentration , bent slightly but looking out ahead . The view from the porch stretched off across a long incline studded with iron weed and across the highway to a vast vista of hills and one small mountain . Long views depressed Parker . You look out into space like that and you begin to feel as if someone were after you , the navy or the government or religion . " I ain 't married yet , " she said . " They belong to momma . " She said it as if it were only a matter of time before she would be married . The girl nodded . Parker knew a lot of sharp things he could have said like " You got my sympathy , " but he was gloomily silent . He just sat there , looking at the view . He thought he must be coming down with something . Parker had no intention of taking any basket of peaches back there but the next day he found himself doing it . He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other . One thing he did say was , " I ain 't got any tattoo on my back . " " What you got on it ? " the girl said . " My shirt , " Parker said . " Haw . " " Haw , haw , " the girl said politely . Parker thought he was losing his mind . He could not believe for a minute that he was attracted to a woman like this . She showed not the least interest in anything but what he brought until he appeared the third time with two cantaloupes . " What 's your name ? " she asked . " I 'll tell you when you tell me what them letters are the short of , " she said . There was just a hint of flirtatiousness in her tone and it went rapidly to Parker 's head . He had never revealed the name to any man or woman , only to the files of the navy and the government , and it was on his baptismal record which he got at the age of a month ; his mother was a Methodist . When the name leaked out of the navy files , Parker narrowly missed killing the man who used it . The name still stank in Parker 's estimation . " Obadiah Elihue , " she said in a reverent voice . " If you call me that aloud , I 'll bust your head open , " Parker said . " What 's yours ? " " Sarah Ruth Cates , " she said . " Glad to meet you , Sarah Ruth , " Parker said . Sarah Ruth 's father was a Straight Gospel preacher but he was away , spreading it in Florida . Her mother did not seem to mind his attention to the girl so long as he brought a basket of something with him when he came . As for Sarah Ruth herself , it was plain to Parker after he had visited three times that she was crazy about him . She liked him even though she insisted that pictures on the skin were vanity of vanities and even after hearing him curse , and even after she had asked him if he was saved and he had replied that he didn 't see it was anything in particular to save him from . After that , inspired , Parker had said , " I 'd be saved enough if you was to kiss me . " They were married in the County Ordinary 's office because Sarah Ruth thought churches were idolatrous . Parker had no opinion about that one way or the other . The Ordinary 's office was lined with cardboard file boxes and record books with dusty yellow slips of paper hanging on out of them . The Ordinary was an old woman with red hair who had held office for forty years and looked as dusty as her books . She married them from behind the iron - grill of a stand - up desk and when she finished , she said with a flourish , " Three dollars and fifty cents and till death do you part ! " and yanked some forms out of a machine . Marriage did not change Sarah Ruth a jot and it made Parker gloomier than ever . Every morning he decided he had had enough and would not return that night ; every night he returned . Whenever Parker couldn 't stand the way he felt , he would have another tattoo , but the only surface left on him now was his back . To see a tattoo on his own back he would have to get two mirrors and stand between them in just the correct position and this seemed to Parker a good way to make an idiot of himself . Sarah Ruth who , if she had had better sense , could have enjoyed a tattoo on his back , would not even look at the ones he had elsewhere . When he attempted to point out especial details of them , she would shut her eyes tight and turn her back as well . Except in total darkness , she preferred Parker dressed and with his sleeves rolled down . Parker did nothing much when he was at home but listen to what the judgment seat of God would be like for him if he didn 't change his ways . When he could , he broke in with tales of the hefty girl he worked for . " Mr . Parker , ' " he said she said , ' I hired you for your brains . ' " ( She had added , " So why don 't you use them ? " ) " And you should have seen her face the first time she saw me without my shirt , " he said . " Mr . Parker , ' she said , ' you 're a walking panner - rammer ! ' " This had , in fact , been her remark but it had been delivered out of one side of her mouth . Dissatisfaction began to grow so great in Parker that there was no containing it outside of a tattoo . It had to be his back . There was no help for it . A dim half - formed inspiration began to work in his mind . He visualized having a tattoo put there that Sarah Ruth would not be able to resist - a religious subject . He thought of an open book with HOLY BIBLE tattooed under it and an actual verse printed on the page . This seemed just the thing for a while ; then he began to hear her say , " Ain 't I already got a real Bible ? What you think I want to read the same verse over and over for when I can read it all ? " He needed something better even than the Bible ! He thought about it so much that he began to lose sleep . He was already losing flesh - Sarah Ruth just threw food in the pot and let it boil . Not knowing for certain why he continued to stay with a woman who was both ugly and pregnant and no cook made him generally nervous and irritable , and he developed a little tic in the side of his face . Once or twice he found himself turning around abruptly as if someone were trailing him . He had had a granddaddy who had ended in the state mental hospital , although not until he was seventy - five , but as urgent as it might be for him to get a tattoo , it was just as urgent that get exactly the right one to bring Sarah Ruth to heel . As he continued to worry over it , his eyes took on a hollow , pre - occupied expression . The old woman he worked for told him that if he couldn 't keep his mind on what he was doing , she knew where she could find a fourteen - year - old colored boy who could . Parker was too preoccupied even to be offended . At any time previous , he would have left her then and there , saying drily , " Well , you go ahead on and get him then . " Two or three mornings later he was baling hay with the old woman 's sorry baler and her broken down tractor in a large field , cleared save for one enormous old tree standing in the middle of it . The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree . She had pointed it out to Parker as if he didn 't have eyes and told him to be careful not to hit it as the machine picked up hay near it . Parker began at the outside of the field and made circles inward toward it . He had to get off the tractor every now and then and untangle the baling cord or kick a rock out of the way . The old woman had told him to carry the rocks to the edge of the field , which he did when she was there watching . When he thought he could make it , he ran over them . As he circled the field his mind was on a suitable design for his back . The sun , the size of a golf ball , began to switch regularly from in front to behind him , but he appeared to see it both places as if he had eyes in the back of his head . All at once he saw the tree reaching out to grasp him . A ferocious thud propelled him into the air , and he heard himself yelling in an unbelievably loud voice , " GOD ABOVE ! " He landed on his back while the tractor crashed upside down into the tree and burst into flame . The first thing Parker saw were his shoes , quickly being eaten by the fire ; one was caught under the tractor , the other was some distance away , burning by itself . He was not in them . He could feel the hot breath of the burning tree on his face . He scrambled backwards , still sitting , his eyes cavernous , and if he had known how to cross himself he would have done it . His truck was on a dirt road at the edge of the field . He moved toward it , still sitting , still backwards , but faster and faster ; half - way to it he got up and began a kind of forward - bent run from which he collapsed on his knees twice . His legs felt like two old rusted rain gutters . He reached the truck finally and took off in it , zigzagging up the road . He drove past his house on the embankment and straight for the city , fifty miles distant . Parker did not allow himself to think on the way to the city . He only knew that there had been a great change in his life , a leap forward into a worse unknown , and that there was nothing he could do about it . It was for all intents accomplished . The artist had two large cluttered rooms over a chiropodist 's office on a back street . Parker , still barefooted , burst silently in on him at a little after three in the afternoon . The artist , who was about Parker 's own age , twenty - eight - but thin and bald , was behind a small drawing table , tracing a design in green ink . He looked up with an annoyed glance and did not seem to recognize Parker in the hollow - eyed creature before him . The artist looked at him another moment as if he were not altogether sure . " You 've fallen off some , " he said . " You must have been in jail . " " Oh , " said the artist . With the aid of mirrors the artist had tattooed on the top of his head a miniature owl , perfect in every detail . It was about the size of a half - dollar and served him as a show piece . There were cheaper artists in town but Parker had never wanted anything but the best . The artist went over to a cabinet at the back of the room and began to look over some art books . " Who are you interested in ? " he said , " saints , angels , Christs or what ? " The artist returned with a book . He moved some papers off another table and put the book down on it and told Parker to sit down and see what he liked . " The up - t - date ones are in the back , " he said . Parker sat down with the book and wet his thumb . He began to go through it , beginning at the back where the up - to - date pictures were . Some of them he recognized - The Good Shepherd , Forbid Them Not , The Smiling Jesus , Jesus the Physician 's Friend , but he kept turning rapidly backwards and the pictures became less and less reassuring . One showed a gaunt green dead face streaked with blood . One was yellow with sagging purple eyes . Parker 's heart began to beat faster and faster until it appeared to be roaring inside him like a great generator . He flipped the pages quickly , feeling that when he reached the one ordained , a sign would come . He continued to flip through until he had almost reached the front of the book . On one of the pages a pair of eyes glanced at him swiftly . Parker sped on , then stopped . His heart appeared to cut off ; there was absolute silence . It said as plainly as if silence were a language itself , GO BACK . " It 's your funeral , " the artist said , " but I don 't do that kind of work for nothing . " " How much ? " Parker asked . " It 'll take maybe two days work . " " How much ? " Parker said . While he worked on the tracing , he told Parker to go wash his back at the sink with the special soap he used there . Parker did it and returned to pace back and forth across the room , nervously flexing his shoulders . He wanted to go look at the picture again but at the same time he did not want to . The artist got up finally and had Parker lie down on the table . He swabbed his back with ethyl chloride and then began to outline the head on it with his iodine pencil . Another hour passed before he took up his electric instrument . Parker felt no particular pain . In Japan he had had a tattoo of the Buddha done on his upper arm with ivory needles ; in Burma , a little brown root of a man had made a peacock on each of his knees using thin pointed sticks , two feet long ; amateurs had worked on him with pins and soot . Parker was usually so relaxed and easy under the hand of the artist that he often went to sleep , but this time he remained awake , every muscle taut . At midnight the artist said he was ready to quit . He propped one mirror , four feet square , on a table by the wall and took a smaller mirror off the lavatory wall and put it in Parker 's hands . Parker stood with his back to the one on the table and moved the other until he saw a flashing burst of color reflected from his back . It was almost completely covered with little red and blue and ivory and saffron squares ; from them he made out the lineaments of the face - a mouth , the beginning of heavy brows , a straight nose , but the face was empty ; the eyes had not yet been but in . The impression for the moment was almost as if the artist had tricked him and done the Physician 's Friend . Parker spent the night on a cot at the Haven of Light Christian Mission . He found these the best places to stay in the city because they were free and included a meal of sorts . He got the last available cot and because he was still barefooted , he accepted a pair of second - hand shoes which , in his confusion , he put on to go to bed ; he was still shocked from all that had happened to him . All night he lay awake in the long dormitory of cots with lumpy figures on them . The only light was from a phosphorescent cross glowing at the end of the room . The tree reached out to grasp him again , then burst into flame ; the shoe burned quietly by itself ; the eyes in the book said to him distinctly GO BACK and at the same time did not utter a sound . He wished that he were not in this city , not in this Haven of Light Mission , not in a bed by himself . He longed miserably for Sarah Ruth . Her sharp tongue and icepick eyes were the only comfort he could bring to mind . He decided he was losing it . Her eyes appeared soft and dilatory compared with the eyes in the book , for even though he could not summon up the exact look of those eyes , he could still feel their penetration . He felt as though , under their gaze , he was as transparent as the wing of a fly . That artist began where he left off . " One thing I want to know , " he said presently as he worked over Parker 's back , " why do you want this on you ? Have you gone and got religion ? Are you saved ? " he asked in a mocking voice . Parker 's throat felt salty and dry . " Naw , " he said , " I ain 't got no use for none of that . A man can 't save his self from whatever it is he don 't deserve none of my sympathy . " These words seemed to leave his mouth like wraiths and to evaporate at once as if he had never uttered them . " I married this woman that 's saved , " Parker said . " I never should have done it . I ought to leave her . She 's done gone and got pregnant . " " That 's too bad , " the artist said . " Then it 's her making you have this tattoo . " " Naw , " Parker said , " she don 't know nothing about it . It 's a surprise for her . " " You think she 'll like it and lay off you a while ? " " She can 't hep herself , " Parker said . " She can 't say she don 't like the looks of God . " He decided he had told the artist enough of his business . Artists were all right in their place but he didn 't like them poking their noses into the affairs of regular people . " I didn 't get no sleep last night , " he said . " I think I 'll get some now . " The artist worked steadily until nearly four o ' clock , not stopping to have lunch , hardly pausing with the electric instrument except to wipe the dripping dye off Parker 's back as he went along . Finally he finished . " You can get up and look at it now , " he said . The artist was pleased with his work and wanted Parker to look at it at once . Instead Parker continued to sit on the edge of the table , bent forward slightly but with a vacant look . " What ails you ? " the artist said . " Go look at it . " " Aint ' nothing ail me , " Parker said in a sudden belligerent voice . " That tattoo ain 't going nowhere . It 'll be there when I get there . " He reached for his shirt and began to gingerly put it on . Parker headed toward a package shop on the corner . He bought a pint of whiskey and took it into a nearby alley and drank it all in five minutes . Then he moved on to a pool hall nearby which he frequented when he came to the city . It was a well - lighted barn - like place with a bar up one side and gambling machines on the other and pool tables in the back . As soon as Parker entered , a large man in a red and black checkered shirt hailed him by slapping him on the back and yelling , " Yeyyyyyy boy ! O . E . Parker ! " " Come on , " the big man said , " let 's have a look at O . E . 's tattoo , " and while Parker squirmed in their hands , they pulled up his shirt . Parker felt all the hands drop away instantly and his shirt fell again like a veil over the face . There was a silence in the pool room which seemed to Parker to grow from the circle around him until it extended to the foundations under the building and upward through the beams in the roof . " Why ain 't you laughing then ? " somebody yelled . Parker lunged into the midst of them and like a whirlwind on a summer 's day there began a fight that raged amid overturned tables and swinging fists until two of them grabbed him and ran to the door with him and threw him out . Then a calm descended on the pool hall as nerve shattering as if the long barnlike room were the ship from which Jonah had been cast into the sea . Parker sat for a long time on the ground in the alley behind the pool hall , examining his soul . He saw it as a spider web of facts and lies that was not at all important to him but which appeared to be necessary in spite of his opinion . The eyes that were now forever on his back were eyes to be obeyed . He was as certain of it as he had ever been of anything . Throughout his life , grumbling and sometimes cursing , often afraid , once in rapture , Parker had obeyed whatever instinct of this kind had come to him - in rapture when his spirit had lifted at the sight of the tattooed man at the fair , afraid when he had joined the navy , grumbling when he had married Sarah Ruth . The thought of her brought him slowly to his feet . She would know what he had to do . She would clear up the rest of it , and she would at least be pleased . It seemed to him that , all along , that was what he wanted , to please her . His truck was still parked in front of the building were the artist had his place , but it was not far away . He got in it and drove out of the city and into the country night . His head was almost clear of liquor and he observed that his dissatisfaction was gone , but he felt not quite like himself . It was as if he were himself but a stranger to himself , driving into a new country though everything he saw was familiar to him , even at night . He arrived finally at the house on the embankment , pulled the truck under the pecan tree and got out . He made as much noise as possible to assert that he was still in charge here , that his leaving her for a night without a word meant nothing except it was the way he did things . He slammed the car door , stamped up the two steps and across the porch and rattled the door knob . It did not respond to his touch . " Sarah Ruth ! " he yelled , " let me in . " He heard the bed springs screak and bent down and put his head to the keyhole , but it was stopped up with paper . " Let me in ! " he hollered , bamming on the door again . " What you got me locked out for ? " A sharp voice close to the door said , " Who 's there ? " " Me , " Parker said , " O . E . " He waited a moment . " Me , " he said impatiently , " O . E . " He tried once more . " O . E . , " he said , bamming the door two or three more times . " O . E . Parker . You know me . " " Quit fooling , " Parker pleaded . " You aint ' got any business doing me this way . It 's me , old O . E . , I 'm back . You ain 't afraid of me . " Parker turned his head as if he expected someone behind him to give him the answer . The sky had lightened slightly and there were two or three streaks of yellow floating above the horizon . Then as he stood there , a tree of light burst over the skyline . The door opened and he stumbled in . Sarah Ruth loomed there , hands on her hips . She began at once , " That was no hefty blonde woman you was working for and you 'll have to pay her every penny on her tractor you busted up . She don 't keep insurance on it . She came here and her and me had us a long talk and I … " " Shut your mouth , " he said quietly . " Look at this and then I don 't want to hear no more out of you . " He removed the shirt and turned his back to her . Parker 's knees went hollow under him . He wheeled around and cried , " Look at it ! Don 't just say that ! Look at " I done looked , " she said . " No , who is it ? " Sarah Ruth said . " It ain 't anybody I know . " " It 's him , " Parker said . " Him who ? " " God ! " Parker cried . " God ? God don 't look like that ! " " What do you know how he looks ? " Parker moaned . " You ain 't seen him . " " He don 't look , " Sarah Ruth said . " He 's a spirit . No man shall see his face . " " Aw listen , " Parker groaned , " this is just a picture of him . " " Idolatry ! " Sarah Ruth screamed . " Idolatry ! Enflaming yourself with idols under every green tree ! I can put up with lies and vanity but I don 't want no idolater in this house ! " and she grabbed up the broom and began to thrash him across the shoulders with it . Parker was too stunned to resist . He sat there and let her beat him until she had nearly knocked him senseless and large welts had formed on the face of the tattooed Christ . Then he staggered up and made for the door . She stamped the broom two or three times on the floor and went to the window and shook it out to get the taint of him off it . Still gripping it , she looked toward the pecan tree and her eyes hardened still more . There he was - who called himself Obadiah Elihue - leaning against the tree , crying like a baby . |
Charlie Beamer stepped out of his office into a chilly October rain . He had expected this , somehow , even though he hadn 't checked the weather . Charlie was a pessimist , and as a pessimist he assumed that since his day had started so poorly it would only get worse . He had a newborn son with a bad case of croup , and he hadn 't had a proper night 's sleep in two weeks . He 'd been tied up in meetings all day , and his project had its funding cut . To make matters worse he had gotten stuck at the office late , much later than usual . He had just missed the 5 : 45 pm bus . So now , as he looked at the rain from under the awning of his building and shivered in the October wind , he was not at all surprised to remember that he had forgotten his umbrella at home that morning . He popped the collar of his jacket up against the rain and set out towards the bus stop . He walked slowly feeling the rain soak his hair and face and inwardly relished his own misery . He almost enjoyed the pit of despair that was his life . So when he arrived at the bus stop , dripping wet , he was secretly a little pleased to find that a homeless man was stretched out across the bench , fast asleep and taking up all available space . " Isn 't this just perfect , " he muttered to himself as he edged underneath the shelter of the bus stop without getting too close to the sleeping man . He was already plotting about what he would tell his wife about his day . He imagined she would be appropriately sympathetic and possibly she would wash the dishes and put the baby down without rousing him from his recliner . Charlie didn 't think he had ever seen someone as filthy as this man on the bench . His clothes were stained with mud and what appeared to be garbage . There was also an odor coming from the sleeping man that was unlike anything Charlie had ever smelled . It was like a skunk had fallen into a dumpster and perished . For a brief moment Charlie wondered if the man was dead , but then he stirred , saw Charlie and sat up . Charlie obliged , seating himself on the very edge of the bench and holding the collar of his jacket over his nose in an attempt to block the stench . It didn 't work very well . From the corner of his eye , he could see the other man watching him from underneath a worn out stocking cap . Charlie 's phone rang . He was sure it was his wife . She was probably calling to see why he wasn 't home yet . She was probably tired of watching the sick baby alone . He decided to ignore it and reached into his pocket to silence the phone . He just wasn 't in the mood . He looked down 6th street to see if he could see the bus coming in the distance . Nothing . He leaned against the side of the bus stop and pretended he couldn 't smell the man on the other side of the bench . Charlie was startled . He looked down the bench at the bum who was leaning over resting his elbows on his knees . His long matted hair obscured his face but it was clear that he was talking to Charlie . " Looks expensive . " It sounded like he was trying to give Charlie a compliment . Charlie didn 't take it as a compliment ; now he was afraid of being murdered at a bus stop for his suit . Charlie doubted the man would fit his suit , as the bum was much taller . He began to think maybe he should call his wife back . " Very nice suit " the dirty man emphasized , but he didn 't look at Charlie . " I used to have a suit like that . It was gray though . Nice suit . Kinda suit a man can feel proud of . " " I had money once . I wasn 't always like this . Once I was like you . " The bum said , staring into the rainy streets . " I had it all . " " I 'm going to tell you this once . You don 't want to hear my story . I tell everyone this same thing . If you ask me again I 'll tell you . But I can promise that you don 't want to hear this . " I wasn 't a very special kid growing up . I had two older brothers and they always seemed like they were good at everything and smarter too . School seemed to just make sense to them but I never seemed to catch on . Math and Science were just the names of two more circles of hell for me growing up . My family wasn 't a rich family but when my oldest brother Ben got accepted to college , my dad presented him with a savings bond and sent him out the door proudly . Same went for Stephen when he came of age . He got his acceptance letter in the mail and dad gave him a hug and a savings bond . Dad didn 't hug us much , but I could tell he was proud . When I was finally old enough I sent out an application to every decent school around and , one by one , I watched rejection letters come back . I got accepted to two community colleges but everyone knew that wasn 't the same . Dad clapped me on the back and said " cheer up kiddo " or something like that and said that maybe construction wasn 't such a bad job after all . There was no savings bond . My brothers graduated and I laid pavement . My brothers married and I moved into a basement apartment in the city . My brothers had children and I splurged for basic cable . Eventually I quit the construction gig and got a job at the Brightman building down the street as a janitor ( " Hey ! " Charlie interjected excitedly , " that 's where I work ! " Then he decided he probably shouldn 't have told this stranger where he worked . The bum just nodded and continued . ) . I worked there for six years . I made enough money to pay the bills and even go out once a week or so and have some drinks . But that wasn 't the life I had wanted or expected . My brothers were comfortable with their families and their lives . Lives that I had wanted and dreamed about . They had families and houses and I had an apartment on the south side with a rat problem . I 'm ashamed to admit that it ate at me . I was mad at them for the opportunities they had had and I was mad at myself for not being able to accomplish what I made it ok on the street . I was a friendly dude . I managed to get by . You pick up little tricks that make things easier . But I was still homeless . I could have gone to family but I hadn 't forgiven them . Then one day I was lying down here in this very bus stop . I remember I was trying to take a nap . It was pouring down rain , sort of like today , and I was wet and cold . It was about this time , maybe a little later , and the number six bus pulled up and this man climbs off and sits right down next to me . I knew him immediately , as if I had known him all my life , but then I guess I had in a way . He was the Devil . I remember the way the rain drops didn 't touch him as he got off the bus , they just disappeared , as if they couldn 't bear to touch him . I wasn 't surprised either , somehow wasn 't shocked by his appearance . It was as though I 'd known all along he 'd be there . He wore a pristine white suit , white shoes with black spats , a red tie , a bright red top hat and the prettiest carnation I 've ever seen in his button hole . I just stared at him and then I realized that he was staring at me too . He smiled at me and I swear to you , I 've never seen such a friendly smile as the one the Devil wears . His whole face smiled at me , but especially his eyes . If I had looked through a peephole and just seen one of his eyes looking back at me , I would have known he was smiling . So anyway he just looks at me and says , " Jonathan . " That 's my name by the way , I 'm Jonathan . ( " Oh ! So sorry , I 'm Charlie " , said Charlie and shook hands with Jonathan in spite of himself . Jonathan 's hand felt cold and more than a little dirty . Charlie wiped his right hand surreptitiously on the bench beside him . " It 's nice to meet you , Charlie " Jonathan said flatly , and continued his story in the same unchanging voice ) . Anyway , the Devil looks at me , smiles that smile and says " Jonathan . It 's nice to see you today . I understand you have a problem . " I guess I knew he would have known my name . I asked him what he thought my problem was . He didn 't answer , just asked about my brothers . I told him they were fine , just tried to change the subject you know . But he kept bringing it back up , asked about their families , their jobs , their educations . He asked each question so innocently , but each one had an unspoken indictment of me . He would ask me a question and it would emphasize that I was just a bum sitting in a bus stop to get out of the rain . Each time I answered a question I got more and more angry , but not with him , it was so hard to be angry with him , with that smile and all . I got angry with my family for not caring enough , for not helping me out , for not giving me more . I was fine I told him . I was going to go get back my old job I told him . I wasn 't tied down to anyone I told him . This was the good life . I guess he didn 't think it was good enough . So he told me who he was . He gave me all of his names - Shaitan , Beelzebub , Satan , Lucifer , The Great Deceiver , The Beast , The Adversary and more . Names I didn 't recognize , names I couldn 't pronounce . With each one , his voice grew deeper and deeper . When he finished , his voice was like the roar of a tornado . I had never felt so afraid in my entire life , but strangely I also knew he couldn 't hurt me . It was just like standing on the other side of the fence of an enraged pit bull . My heart trembled inside and then he smiled again . When he smiled it seemed like the sun came out again and I forgot about the anger of a moment ago . That 's when he offered me his deal . " I can make you rich , Jonathan . I can make you ten times as wealthy , ten times happier than your brothers . Prettier wife , faster cars . You don 't need college . You have the potential right inside you , you just need me to bring it out . " I was tempted . You won 't hear me tell you otherwise . This was everything I 'd ever wanted . But I also went to Sunday school as a kid , so I knew you couldn 't trust the Devil . I told the Devil no . I told him I couldn 't do it . I needed my soul , I 'd just have to work a little harder and maybe stop drinking so much , and maybe not smoke any more pot ( " I knew it ! " thought Charlie ) and I 'll be ok . The Devil looked thoughtful and then he looked at me and he told me " I tell you what . I 'll let you have it all ! On a trial basis , full refunds available ! If you don 't think it 's worth the price , I 'll return you right back to where you are now . " I couldn 't find a way that worked out badly for me . At least I would get a few months of easy living out of it . We shook hands . I even made the Devil swear on a Bible like he was being sworn into office , because the Bible has power over the Devil . When we shook hands the sun popped right out of the clouds . The rain stopped and even though it was February it got warm enough for me to take my coat off right there . I knew big things were going to happen . It started small , I found a dollar . I bought a Coke at McDonald 's . They were having some Monopoly game or something and my cup had Boardwalk on it . The rarest piece they had . I pulled another cup out of the garbage and it had Park Place . Just . Like . That . I had won a million dollars . I knew I would be successful . I had the Devils word . That bastard had sworn on a Bible and he was going to pay up . I started a business , a janitorial service . I don 't think there has ever been such a successful janitorial business . Everything we did turned to gold . We got anonymous donations , we got huge contracts , we got government grants , it was ridiculous . So I spread out . I started buying and selling stock . I made money hand over fist . I was in all the best clubs , I knew all the best people , but something was still missing . Then I met Her ( for the first time , there is an almost imperceptible change in the Jonathan 's voice at these words . His voice is still flat , his tone unchanging , but for the briefest moment , there was almost a quaver ) . She was beautiful . I won 't tell you her name . I can 't tell you her name , even to speak it seems an insult to her memory , but all you need to know is she was everything a woman was supposed to be and more . She was my world . We were married . She got pregnant and the next thing I knew I was holding twin boys . I was a father . She was a mother . We were a family . I was rich and happy and had everything I wanted . As I stood outside the nursery in the hospital staring transfixed at my babies in their bassinets I realized that someone was standing beside me . It was the Devil . He smiled at me . His eyes smiled at me . Then he introduced himself again . He went through all his names , each one resonating in my ears a little louder . Each name had a weight , generations and generations of fear and terror . These were names that were never meant to be said . These were names that could curse a family and their children and friends just by speaking them . There were names that aren 't even known . I remember all of them . And the whole time he smiled at me that winning , cheerful smile that told you everything was going to be just fine . " So you just let it all go ! " gasped Charlie " You let your family go and went back to your life on the street ? " He had been sitting entranced by the story . The fantastic story seemed impossible but Charlie had been drawn in . Jonathan laughed for the first time . It was a hollow sound , there was no mirth in it , no joy . Jonathan turned and looked up at Charlie . He pulled his hair away from his face and for the first time Charlie could see his eyes in the light of a street lamp . They were like hollow white holes in his face . The pupils were rolled backwards only the barest sliver of them showing at the top of his eye , there was no life , no spark . They were the eyes of a dead man . " He ate my soul in front of my kids as soon as I shook his hand . Right there in the hospital hallway . I swear as I felt every emotion and every feeling rush out of me , his smile got just a little bit brighter , a little more real . He left me like this , dead but still moving around , thinking , acting like I 'm alive . My wife couldn 't stand me . She shuddered at my touch and cried when I looked at her . She took her own life two days after she got back from the hospital . The police officers were horrified by me too . They thought that I had something to do with her death . I guess I did in a way . They couldn 't convict me but they took away my children . It 's the eyes , Charlie . " He smiled at Charlie , in the worst mockery of a smile that Charlie had ever seen . There was no emotion behind it at all . " They can 't bear to look at my eyes . Or touch my skin . " He grabbed Charlie 's hand and Charlie squealed and yanked away . It was cold and clammy . Lifeless . " So they took my children . My stocks crashed . The IRS audited my business and they took everything . Back taxes they said , " he shook his head almost with disbelief . " I 'm waiting for him " Jonathan said , and he stopped staring at Charlie . His head drooped back over his knees again . " I want him to take me . " " Hell ? Yeah . Or at least I hope so . I don 't expect you to understand , but I 've been sitting here for twenty years . I 'm an empty soulless wreck who is incapable of feeling anything . At least in Hell , at least there , I might stand a chance at feeling something . " Jonathan just sank his head a little lower . As Charlie stepped onto the bus he turned around and looked at the pitiful man . " If you 've been here for twenty years why haven 't I seen you here before ? " He asked . Jonathan didn 't raise his head . " Because I only come here at the right time . I only come for his time . That 's when I 'll meet him eventually . " " His bus . The number 6 at 6 : 00 on 6th street . You know . His number . I 'm here every morning , every night . He 'll come eventually . " " Oh . " Charlie gulped and handed the driver his bus pass . The man grunted as he stamped it and handed it back . The bus started moving while Charlie was still walking towards the back . The soulless man on the bench still stared at him with empty eyes . Charlie opened his phone to call his wife . He would like to hear her voice , and maybe , even the baby 's croupy cough . Charlie looked up . There was only one other passenger on the bus . It was a man sitting in the back row , wearing a white suit with a red carnation and a red hat . His legs were crossed and he carried a cane that he tapped against his spats . He smiled at Charlie , and Charlie could swear it was the most genuine smile he had ever seen . Even his eyes seemed to smile . Suzanne turned around to see Chad Peters running towards her down the school hallway . Chad was a small boy just entering the 6th grade . Suzanne was two grades above him and it was a tax on her memory to even remember his true name . " It 's your birthday ! " He said brightly , panting slightly from his run . His backpack looked like it was three sizes too big for him and the straps made it hang down to his bottom . " Oh . Yes … " He faltered and looked unsure of himself . He looked like he was trying to talk but the words weren 't coming out . His face slowly grew red from the embarrassment . " I 'm sorry . I get nervous . I have a gift for you . " He reached into his bag and pulled out a tupperware container . He opened it carefully and retrieved a something from inside . It was a piece of paper , folded carefully and meticulously into what looked like a flower . " What ? " She took it from him , rather roughly . " Don 't you mean origami ? " She asked as she examined the paper flower . It was gold in color and made flawlessly . It was the best origami she had ever seen . Each line was careful and perfect . It looked the nearest thing to a real flower . " What 's orci - cal - whats - it ? " She asked , turning the gold flower in her hands . " Is it a special kind of paper or flower ? " " No , it 's a metal ! It 's the very rarest there is . It 's even more rare than gold because no one knows how to find it anymore or what it was made of . " He favored her with his brightest smile . He stood there for a moment , one arm flung out towards the closed door as if he could call her back with a gesture . The door remained firmly closed and his arm dropped limply to his side . He took a step or two towards the trash can that had become the final resting place of the orchid and stopped . It had been hers and hers to do with as she willed . He leaned up against the wall , defeated and slid down behind a water fountain . Tears of frustration welled in his eyes . He had practiced for three weeks to get an orchid folded so perfectly . He rested his head in his hands and cried softly to himself . The door at the end of the hallway opened quietly and without Chad noticing . Suzanne slipped back in from outside . Her friends hadn 't waited for her after all , they probably hadn 't even remembered it was her birthday . She looked down the hallway , and seeing it was empty , reached into the trash can and pulled out the gold paper flower . She examined it and found that it was unscathed from its foray into the garbage . She marveled at it again , it was beautiful . There was a sound partway down the hall that caught her attention . She looked up from the flower and saw a pair of small legs sticking out from behind the water fountain . She walked up quietly and squatted down beside Chad . He pretended like he hadn 't been crying . She displayed the flower to him . " No it 's really just colored paper . " He sounded dejected . " I just wanted to give you something no one else could . So I hoped if I pretended it was orichalcum that you might pretend with me , and that way I could have gotten you something special . " " Nope , " she said , giving Chad a big smile , " It 's just paper . It 's just paper and it 's special . I 've never gotten anything like it . Thank you . " This Christmas Eve was shaping to be one of the coldest in recent memory . Gerald Morris stumbled through the snow drifts piling up in the deserted streets looking for shelter . He wore three coats and four pairs of socks but he was still chilled to the bone . Gerald was homeless and being homeless in St . Paul , MN is a bad thing in the Winter , your life depends on finding shelter and Gerald was not having much success with that . At one point he had been a successful real estate agent , but after the housing market dove he had eventually lost his job , his wife and his house . He had gone from Sunday brunches to fighting for leftover pizza behind the Papa John 's . This current struggle was one of the most desperate he could remember though . The snow was coming down thicker now as he peered into each unfamiliar alleyway he passed . He was looking for a manhole that he had found recently , it led into a quiet relatively dry area of the sewers that would be perfect for a night like tonight . There was also a steam vent from one of the buildings above and if he laid underneath it he could stay pretty warm , if a little damp . So as the clock ticked towards Christmas Gerald searched on . He found it finally . It was almost midnight and his heart gave a great leap as he began to recognize the alley he had found . He rushed over to where the manhole was and frantically began clearing away the snow covering it . This task complete , he pulled up the cover and descended into the depths . It was hideously dark in the sewers . He hadn 't remembered it being this bad . Being homeless he was fairly comfortable with dark places , but this was different , this seemed unnaturally dark . He stood for a minute waiting to see if his eyes would adjust to the dark . They didn 't . He sighed and began shuffling through his pack for a book of matches . Something ran into his knee . Later , when telling this story , he would leave out the shrill scream that he uttered at this very moment . Whatever had run into his knee seemed equally concerned . It yelled too and began waling on his knee with what felt like a small bat . As his eyes began to adjust to the light Gerald began to get a good look at the owners of the voices . They were tiny men wearing green cloaks and marching about the sewers very briskly . There were probably twenty of them in this group , but he could hear shouts a long way off and wondered if there were more . There was a question bubbling in the back of his mind that he desperately wanted to get out , but he was afraid it would be terribly rude . So he decided to try and be tactful . " No we make toys all the rest of the year . " Terry said very seriously . " What this is right now ? It 's the reason for the season . " " It 's almost time ! You all spread out and get into position . I 'm going to see if I can 't recruit some extra help . " " Look at me " , Terry said . He reached up and grabbed Gerald 's jacket , right around his belly button and tried pulling his face down to meet his . Gerald got down on one knee obligingly , but he eyed the bat warily . " All true . All real . Right now Santa is flying around delivering presents and coal . Not one really . An army of Santas . One man can 't do all that work . What made you think there was only one ? Ridiculous . " " There is a really good reason why Santa flies around and gives toys out for free . Did no one ever wonder about that ? Idiot humans . Anyway , Santa is a distraction . Christmas Eve , everyone who has someone to love goes to be with them . " " So no one is out and about on Christmas Eve this late , or very few are . We timed it like that on purpose . We set up Christmas to be a distraction . " " Jesus wasn 't born on Christmas Day . It was just a handy excuse . Do you really think Jesus would want you to throw money and presents at each other in a blind greed fest ? That was all us . That 's exactly what we want . Focus on being home with your family and free things are a great way to convince people to do that . " Gerald was quiet , but he could hear a nervous chatter coming from the other elves who had taken up positions nearby . They seemed scared . That didn 't comfort him much . " On the winter solstice each year is when the Wargles appear . They are creatures spawned from the lies and hatred and evil from humanity throughout the year . They grow in damp places , sewers swamps . They are born on Midnight on December 21st and are perfectly translucent for the first three days while they grow . So what that means for us is that on Midnight on Christmas Eve the Wargles become visible for the first time . That 's when the elves go out all over the world , and while the Santas distract the world , we kill the Wargles . . " " Yes . Just like that . They all must be put down or else they will attempt to slaughter humanity . The Black Plague ? We let two Wargles survive that year . TWO ! Two Wargles caused the Black Death and killed 100 million people . We slaughter every one of them . Any problems with that ? Terry handed Gerald the small bat that he had been using to abuse him . It was small in Gerald 's hand , but it had a good weight to it . He hefted it experimentally . It was reassuring and that was good because there was a sharp feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach . As he walked towards where the elves had set up their barricades , he heard the shouts starting , elves that looked hardened and grizzled had fear in their eyes , yelling and pointing at something the size of a small dog coming at them out of the dark corridors . It made a hideous scraping sound as it scrabbled across the concrete towards them and Gerald could hear more of them coming up behind the first . He gripped his bat a little tighter , feeling for the first time in years a sense of purpose and belonging , and he rushed to join the fray . This was going to be a good Christmas after all . It was mid - August in 1944 and dusk was settling on the back streets and alleys of Paris . Two men walked side by side down those streets talking quietly to themselves . They carried rifles and wore the uniforms of the German army . The city was deserted except for these two and other patrols like them as a curfew had long been in effect . All citizens were to be home by dark or something unpleasant was likely to happen to them . German soldiers were not known for their restraint . " That doesn 't worry you , Franz ? " The tall man looked much less confident . His eyes scanned each alley and shadow , his hands were clenched tight around his rifle . " All these posters popping up too . Looks like these French idiots are planning on giving us some trouble . " " Well , we heard about the beach landing at Normandy . Remember that ? Remember how that scared us ? Well most of us eventually sort of rationalized it . We thought , that surely they wouldn 't get much past the beach . We were safe here in Paris . But time goes on , and the Allies creep closer and closer and people keep making up new excuses , but they also cry out while the sleep and shiver on warm nights . Now they are right at our gates and no one is prepared . Except for me . " " And how are you so prepared ? " Klaus asked sharply . He had shivered earlier even though the evening was warm and thought that Franz had been poking fun at him . " When the allies first landed it shook me to my core . For the first time I thought we might possibly lose this war . Then what would happen to me ? I might die . I might be thrown in prison or a camp . I didn 't like any of those choices . So I made myself a god . " The street was quiet for a moment . Klaus stared at Franz for a long minute underneath the light of a nearby street lamp trying to decide if he was joking . He decided he wasn 't . Franz said nothing . Instead he unbuttoned his jacket and slowly pulled off his undershirt . Klaus gasped . Franz 's whole torso was covered with strange black marks , they criss crossed across his chest and down the length of each arm . They coated his back , his stomach , his shoulders . Franz turned slowly , cigarette dangling from his mouth , to display his creation . " Runes " , he said " I covered myself in runes . Ancient symbols of power . I tattooed them on myself . Strength , protection , anger , love , happiness , hatred . I 've written them upon my frame . When the allies come , I will destroy them . But even if I cannot destroy them , they cannot destroy me . " So Klaus hit him . He hit him with everything he had , fueled by the lost hope that Franz had so briefly offered , fueled by the disappointment when he had realized it was nothing more than a fools errand , Klaus hit him harder than he had ever hit anyone before . Franz laughed at him and one of the runes in his chest glowed a pulsating red . " See ? That one is for protection . " He pointed to the one that still glowed faintly . " This one is also protection , and these on my arms are for strength . With these I am the Ubermensch , the Superman ! " " I needed to be stronger than even ancient runes could provide alone . So I created some new ones by joining them together . This one is for will and this one is for strength so that gives me strength of will . This one is for enemies and this one for fear , to cause my enemies to fear me . " Klaus was convinced . He didn 't want to believe , it was crazy to believe all this , but he had no choice . He toyed with the idea of asking Franz to give him a few tattoos too . Franz 's eyes were open and staring at nothing . He screamed like a man in mortal terror . One of the irregulars had stuffed Franz 's own undershirt into his mouth , but he still screamed through it . They had tried shooting him twice and stabbing him a half dozen times but none of it worked , until Franz had wrested the knife away from the soldier and cut his own wrists . Now he lay in the filthy alley shirtless and screamed , while his lifeblood drained away on the cobblestones . Through all this , two runes glowed brightly on his chest , the two runes that he had joined incorrectly , Fear and Enemies . People had been warned about the meteor . They had been warned there was a good chance that it would strike earth . They had been warned that it was 2 miles across and would cause untold devastation if it struck . They had been told that it was a similar meteor to the one that had possibly destroyed all the dinosaurs . People are interesting though ; a lot of times they have a hard time believing in something until they can see it . So when they looked into the night sky and saw one star just a little brighter than the others , no one felt that threatened . Then , one morning , families woke up and looked out their dining room windows and they could see the incoming rock hanging in the daytime sky . Then the panic started and , over it all , the meteor loomed closer and closer . There was one man who wasn 't concerned . His name was Terrence Howard but he liked to go by the nickname T - money . He didn 't look up into the sky a lot and he wore dark sunglasses most of the time because they made him look mysterious . He had heard the news about the meteor and had taken it as an opportunity to start using a tanning bed instead of spray tans , because hey , life is short . He was admiring his tan that morning as he prepared to climb into the tanning bed at his strangely deserted local tanning salon when he heard a strange rumbling sound . There is a set amount of time that one should wait before going to examine two mile long meteors that have just destroyed all of New Jersey , but no one was quite sure how long that was . So secret government organizations showed up a couple of hours later with the intent of creating a top secret zone , but they discovered that hillbillies were already there in lawn chairs , and they decided that it would be a lot of work to move them . Once the government set that precedent , tents started popping up all around the steaming red mass poking up into the sky . Religious fanatics came to worship the meteor , scientists came to study it , high - schoolers came to do drugs , hillbillies came because it was one more place to drink beer , and regular people came because it was just something to do . So , before too much longer , the state of former New Jersey was filled with people eager to see the first tourist attraction New Jersey had ever had worth seeing . So when an enormous door opened in the side of the meteor , revealing that it probably wasn 't a meteor at all , a lot of people were there to be very surprised . Then , as people were recovering from their surprise enough to be curious , they became a little more surprised and quite a bit more uncomfortable ( with the exception of the religious fanatics who fell on their face in awe ) when out of the door stepped an enormous T - Rex wearing a tiny space helmet . Nothing really quite makes you reconsider your assumed " safe to approach the strange celestial object " time frames than when a dinosaur approaches you in a hat , and at this sight quite a few campers decided that there were better places for them to sleep uncomfortably on the ground . The exodus was in full force when the T - Rex opened his mouth and roared . The roar shook the earth , but the strangest thing was that , when he roared , a tiny speaker on his space helmet piped in and said this : The sound was tinny , like a bad car radio turned all the way up , and was barely loud enough to be heard over the roar of the T - Rex , but it was enough . Everyone stopped and looked at the dinosaur who , in turn , looked hungrily at an overweight child who had been running more slowly than the others . Then he shook his head and started to roar again . Unfortunately , when he shook his head , the tiny space helmet had become dislodged from his massive head and stopped translating his words . The giant reptile tried to reach up and adjust it back but T - Rex arms weren 't made for reach so , after hopping around for a while , he rubbed his head against the side of the door to resettle his helmet . " We were just like you once , " he told them , " looking around at the giant rock that fell out of the sky and then we discovered that it was an alien spaceship . The aliens hoped we would help them get their spaceship fixed . But we ate them and fixed their spaceship for ourselves . Ever since then , we have roamed the skies in peace and harmony , exploring worlds ! " The dinosaurs awoke to a loud noise . The spaceship was taking off and leaning out was the fat man . " So long suckers ! " He shouted . The T - Rex groaned and took a bite out of the sleeping Stegosaurus . The hospital room was quiet , or as quiet as a hospital room can get . It was mid - afternoon and warm , and an elderly man dozed in his bed , a heart monitor beeping rhythmically beside him . A small boy sat in a hard chair in the corner , moving his feet restlessly , making a beeping sound with his mouth whenever the machine did and occasionally glancing at the old man . The old man stirred and looked over where the boy sat . " I 've been here for a hundred and forty three beeps . " The monitor beeped again . " A hundred and forty four , we are learning counting in school . I counted to three hundred once ! " " Yes , I 'm afraid they 're right . I 'm not really doing very well . But it 's ok , don 't be worried for me . It 's just my time . " " No , I wasn 't worried . " He reached down beside the bed and picked up a small backpack . " I just decided I 'm going to go with you . " " Well , mom and dad told me that I shouldn 't be sad about you dying . They said that death was ' The next great adventure ' . I decided that you shouldn 't have to go adventuring alone , so I 'm coming too . " " I hope there are dragons ! " The boy 's eyes lit up and he smiled cheerfully as he talked . " And princesses , you have to have a princess . I bet there will be bad men that I 'll have to fight , you can help , grandpa , if you want . Will I get a sword ? I should have a sword . Or a gun . And a fast car . So that way I could escape . " The old man closed his eyes again and lay very still . Tyson closed his eyes too and laid down beside his grandfather . He tried to lay as still as he was able . But he was a very excited young boy and excited young boys have a lot of trouble lying still . He opened his eyes and looked over to where his grandfather lay beside him . " Some longer than others . It 's taken me a very long time to die . It took your grandmother a little less time . It will probably take you a very long time indeed , so you must lay back down and be patient . " " Is that all you wanted ? Well you can do that without dying . As a matter of fact you need to . Do you want to know a secret ? " " Your grandmother was a princess when I first met her . She was always a princess . I slew dragons for her . I drove fast cars . I built her a castle . " " No , not to you , and Grandma wasn 't a princess to you either . But they were to me , and that 's what matters . So you need to go out and find your own adventure first . " " That 's why you find yourself a princess . I 'm pretty sure your grandmother didn 't want to go alone either . I bet you anything that once I take my first step on this new adventure , she 'll be standing there waiting for me . " There was a faraway look in his eyes while he said this , a look that spoke of sadness and fear , but mostly hope . " I 've missed her a lot Tyson and so I 'll be very excited to see her . Don 't you worry about me . " The old man smiled at him and nodded , then closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep , a slight smile playing across his lips . The boy slid down off the bed and sat back in his chair and began to count the beeps of the heart monitor . But small boys are easily distracted , especially excited small boys and before too long he began day dreaming about princesses . He lost all track of the beeps and didn 't even notice when they stopped . So it was , as one small hero sat in his chair dreaming of all his future adventures with his princess , the other hero finished his adventure and stepped into his new one , taking the hand of his princess on the other side . - - - - - - - " I promise it 's going to be ok . " She looked up at him from where he cradled her in his arms , her head gently rocking from the motion as he walked . She frowned and clutched her doll closer to her . " Are you sure ? " She didn 't look convinced . Her eyes were glazed with pain as she focused intently on his face . Snowflakes settled on her flushed cheeks and melted , but more slowly than they should have . " I 'm positive , " he looked at her , trying to look as convincing as possible , " have I ever lied to you before ? " " Well … " She screwed up her face , thinking , " What about when you told me about the monster that eats little girls ? " He felt like she 'd stabbed him . " That wasn 't very nice of me was it ? Well except for that . Have I ever lied to you except for that ? " " No . I don 't think so . " " Well , then trust me now . I 'm sorry I told you about the monsters . I promise I will never let anything hurt you . " She smiled at him then , and when she did he could see the blood staining her teeth pink . He walked faster , his heart pounded in his chest as the panic began to take him all over again . The blizzard was supposed to be the worst they 'd had in Michigan in twenty years . The weatherman had been warning about it for the last day , but they said it wasn 't supposed to get bad until later that night . The weatherman had been wrong . He 'd thought he would have time to take her into town . She was his little angel , his first daughter , and every year since her second birthday he 'd taken her to the same toy store to pick out her present . It was her sixth birthday , it was an important birthday , and he couldn 't let her down on this birthday . The weather had started looking ominous while they were in the store , but he had still thought he would have time to make it home . When he had gotten halfway home , he had begun to curse himself for deciding to move so far out into the country ; the weather was awful , the snow was piling up on the road , he couldn 't see more than ten feet in front of him and he still had another ten miles to go . Then he overshot a turn in the dark , hitting the brakes only spun the car out and it shot over an embankment and struck a tree . He didn 't wake up for a long timPermalink This is a response to Chuck Wendig 's flash fiction challeng " The Fire of the Gods " . The task was to write a story titled " The Fire of the Gods " . This is mine - - A glowing computer monitor was the only thing that lit the small shed . A teenage boy sat hunched over the keyboard , typing furiously . Another boy was laying on the floor with his head on a beanbag chair , bouncing a tennis ball off the wall . The entire inside of the shed was covered in tin foil and the ball made a crinkling sound whenever it hit the walls . The boy at the computer looked up . " Do you have to do that ? " He asked . " You are distracting me . " The boy bounced the ball off the wall one more time , then threw it at the other . " What are you working on , Ian ? " Ian looked back at the computer screen rubbing his arm where the tennis ball had hit him . " I 'm working on a new blog , Mark , what else ? I 've got some new theories that I wanted to work on . " Mark spun around on his bean bag and propped his chin up on his hands . " How is the government out to get us this time ? " " You don 't sound very convinced about this stuff . " " I 'm not really . But it gives me a laugh , so come on . " " Well you know the government is always up to shady business . They are always doing things to gain more power , but it 's usually secret because they can 't have the voting public know what 's going on . " " Yes , like the 9 / 11 conspiracy . " " Exactly , but that 's old news , that was ten years ago . The stuff they are pulling now makes that look like small potatoes . You know why they want Iran ? The real reason they want to go into Iran ? It 's not because of the nukes . " " It 's the oil isn 't it ? " Mark stretched to try and reclaim his lost tennis ball without getting off his bean bag chair , but spilled out instead . " No , it 's not the oil , that 's what THEY want you to think . " " I thought they wanted us to think it was the nukes ? " Mark collected his ball and returned to his bean bag . " No , they say it 's the nukes to scare the people that will believe it , but that 's only for the ignorant . The really smart people know for sure it 's the oil . Only a few of us know the real reasons and that Permalink twi Myron woke up feeling watched . This wasn 't altogether surprising , he often felt watched in his home . Sometimes he would be washing the dishes , lost in his own thoughts and he would feel a sharp finger of dread crawl down his back . He always stood for a second afraid to turn around , afraid that he would come face to face with a nameless beast of legend . He always turned around though , suddenly and violently , twisting around like a mini tornado , hoping to surprise the unseen watcher . There was never anyone there , much to his chagrin and he would return to his washing flushed and sheepish , but he always kept casting looks over his shoulder just in case he 'd missed seeing anything the first time . His house was old . He 'd bought it ten years ago with big dreams and goals . He planned to turn it into his own little paradise , but aspirations without motivation have a way of turning into dead dreams . The stairs still creaked whenever he walked on them and the doors still groaned when opened . The bathrooms that he 'd planned to remodel still had mold and mildew stains and the hot water taps often doubled as a second cold one . It settled at night too . He woke sometimes in the middle of the night to the sounds of squeaking floorboards and creaking stairs , wondering if there was someone in the house . This time something felt different though , the house was completely still . Too still . He lay unmoving on his mattress afraid if he moved too much the springs on his dinosaur of a bed would squeak , he felt safer if he still looked asleep . There was a bit of light leaking into the room from a street lamp outside , it glowed a sickly orange and flickered weakly but still produced enough light to illuminate a corner of his room and attract a few bedraggled moths . There were shadows all about and each one seemed to hold its own secret . In one corner of his room he thought he saw something crouching , hulking shoulders throbbing in dark . He recoiled back involuntarily , but on second glance he realized it was only a pile of clothes . There were too many shadows , all hiding secrets , all refusing to divulge them . His ears strained for any sound but he could only hear a squeaky gate slamming in the night wind outside . He closed his eyes again , attempting to fall back asleep . This time he heard something too . A faint intake of breath . A slight gasp as if in excitement . His eyes popped open again and he searched the room for any sign of movement . Then he saw it . In the corner by the closet the shadows were a little more solid , they had more shape than the rest and at the very top of that solidity were two eyes . They glowed faintly green in the reflected light from the street lamp outside and they stared at him with a feverish intensity . They swayed slightly like the eyes of a snake about to strike , and then , they were gone . Myron stared into the dark corner as hard as he could , maybe he had been imagining the shadows seeming more solid there . Maybe he had drifted off to sleep and been subjected to a horrible nightmare . The shadows just seemed like shadows again . The creeping feeling of being watched dissipated and he heard a familiar creak of the settling house out in the hallway . Slowly his pounding heart began to return to a more respectable rate . He settled back into his pillows exhausted , laughing at himself for his stupidity , and pushing away the lingering seed of doubt that still remained . He snuggled underneath his covers pulling them up under his chin and assuring himself that nothing could attack him in his safe blanket haven . He rolled over onto his side in order to get more comfortable . The eyes were peering over the edge of his bed at him . But this time they were in the face they belonged to , and what a face . The skin was deathly pale , sickly white in the glow of the street lamp . Where its jaw should have been there was nothing but trailing tendrils of torn and rotting skin and its hair was falling out in in clumps leaving patches of hair and bald interspersed across the head and face . The eyes were the only part that looked alive , gleaming out of the darkness with that same intensity that they had before . The face made the same breathing sound he 'd heard before , a small exhale of breath . It smelled like roadkill . Myron began to scream . He screamed because he didn 't kno " What … what do you want with me ? " He asked . " I saw you looking for me . You knew I was here . You looked so alone . " It slobbered when it talked , using its throat to form the words , in the absence of a jaw . We made a statue of us . It wasn 't much but it was something . Mostly we just piled up old trash cans and various litter and taped and hammered it into an edifice vaguely resembling a human shape . We needed something to lift our spirits and tell us that we were somebody too , and that helped . We could look up at our statue and tell ourselves that someone loved us , that someone looked up to us , even if that someone was us . We admired that image of ourselves sparkling in the bright sunshine of the salt flats and if we could squinted hard enough we could imagine that the mop bucket head on the statue bore our likeness and that everyone else around us could see the same thing . We 'd been sent away when we 'd gotten sick , out here in the heat and the desert . We 'd been given blankets and shelters and some awful food that most of us ignored . It was hot and barren but with the fevers most of us had we didn 't notice the heat too much . They had talked about putting us down , relieving us of our misery , but an uproar went up . The " Sick Not Dead " campaign swept the country through text message , Facebook and twitter and the law makers swayed to the demands of their constituents . So we were relegated to a place that no one would be likely to catch the disease . It was silly , really , it wasn 't even spread through the air . We didn 't think it was at least , and the Sick Not Dead people made that case too , to little result . Most of polite society wouldn 't have anything to do with us . We couldn 't blame them . Most of us were the same before we got sick . We 'd heard horror stories of the tremors that shook your body , the slow aching gnawing of hunger that couldn 't be satisfied as your body devoured itself , the slow rot of mind and flesh . Those things all happened and it wasn 't something we would wish on anyone . It wasn 't all bad though , you got to be surprisingly good at smelling things . We just figured our bodies were trying to make up for all the other horrors they were inflicting on us . Sometimes people tried to come see what our encampment was all about . Some enterprising fools or drunken college kids would sneak out to the salt flats and look to see the city of the diseased . Late at night they would come , so we couldn 't see , and point and laugh and joke . They forgot about one thing . Even though our city was made of cardboard and garbage and scrap wood and tarps we shared one thing in common with New York City , our city never slept either . At night we couldn 't see them any better than they could see us , but we could smell them . It was surprising , that even with the shakes that wracked our bodies , how many college students could walk right past five or six of us sitting in the shadows . That was when the hunger was at its worst and that was when the population of our city would grow by a few more the next day . |
It seems like California and the Holidays together get me sick . Every Holiday season since we 've been here I 've come down with something . Colds , the flu , sinus problems , and this year I 've been slightly sick off and on since the 24th . I 've thrown up a couple of times , but mostly it 's just feeling tired , achey and yucky . Today I 'm feeling almost normal . I 've been playing with GIMP a lot lately . I need to get more batteries for my camera , so I can take some of the pictures I have in my head . And I need to come up with the 12 monthly photos for the " Wheel of the year " project . So far I have . They are : 1 ) Aidan in front of his growth chart . 2 ) The closest tree . 3 ) The view from my bedroom window at about 6 PM . 4 ) A construction Site . 5 ) The Walgreens sign around noon with the Temp . displayed . ( Or other similar sign if we move to Oregon before the end of 2006 . So I need to think of 7 more things that can be transferred to Oregon if we move . If you have any ideas for me , I 'd really like to hear them . ( Howard keeps saying that we will be moving the first of the month . I know it won 't be this month , because I don 't have anything packed , I don 't have any boxes to pack , and by the time we do have those things we will have to pay the bills here , because it 's going to take me a while to get it done . I have to clean out the storage shed , which has probably leaked all over the stuff I put in there . I will need to have someone watch Aidan while to do that , because there is no way I can keep an eye on him while sorting through that mess . The rest of what I need to do I can do while he is around . It will be quicker and easier while he sleeps , but I can do it even with him trying to unpack whatever I pack . LOL ) I know that was a very long winded thing to put in parentheses . I crocheted a knee warmer / brace for Howard . It fits tight enough to give him support and keeps it warm so it aches less . I also started a hat for Aidan . I know he probably won 't wear it , but I like the pattern and wanted to make it so I am . LOLHere are three of the pPosted by The Moose that Grammie and Grandaddy sent to Aidan . He loves it . The cool new truck ! Aidan with Mommy , in the new jacket Grammy and Grandaddy sent . With Daddy and Little Ti . Happy Holidays Everyone ! Over at Perwari 's Prattle she 's set up a photo challenge , she 's calling it " Wheel of the Year " . " Here 's the rules : Step 1 : on January 1st , take 12 photographs around your neighbourhood . These locations must be places that you can get the exact same shot of throughout the year - so make a note of exactly where you stood , the composition of the shot , etc . Step 2 : on February 1st and each 1st of the month throughout 2006 , go back to those same 12 places and take the exact same photo as you did on January 1st . Step 3 : by December 1st 2006 , you should have a 12x12 grid of photographs recording the changes of the passing year in your neighbourhood . Upload it to your webspace of choice and if enough people are interested , I 'll arrange for a page on this site where you can post your links so you can see everyone 's compositions , otherwise just stick the link in the comments of my Dec 1st , 2006 entry . Important considerations : Choose your locations carefully . You 've got just over a month to think through where you would like them to be . I suggest local and fairly close together , mainly because you 're committing to retracing your steps every 1st of the month . If you 've spaced them too widely or made them awkward to get to , then you 'll have an excuse to give up half way through , or fail to get them done on the right day dosen 't really matter , if you 're a day early or a day late one month due to personal circumstances , but would be more satisfying to have them on the 1st each month . Get other people involved . These sorts of projects are so much more fun if lots of people get involved - would be fantastic if we could see the change of the seasons all over the world . Remember variety is the spice of life . 12 tree pictures would be fairly dull , although a landscape in at least one of them should probably be compulsory ! Be creative with your ideas . " I think it 's going to be interesting . I 'm not sure what I 'll do my pictures of . At least one group will be of Aidan , maybe in front of his growth chart . Maybe my tree out front , a construcPosted by Here is an edited picture . I removed the original background and added this Christmas / Yule themed one . I think it worked out ok . His right hand and lower arm are kind of strange , because in the original there was a plastic jar with a green lid there , I removed it along with the background , so his arm and hand are a little cut off . But I don 't think it 's really noticeable , what do you think ? Find the first entry for each month of 2005 . Post the first line of it in your journal , and that 's your " Year In Review " . " Purple Goddess " has this on her blog , so I borrowed it . Here is my year in review . January : While Aidan still isn 't talking as much as I would expect him to be at 22 months , he did pick up a couple of new words over the Holidays . February : My visit to Oregon was very nice . The wedding was beautiful , I saw family and friends that I haven 't seen in awhile . March : My Mother - in - law is in the hospital . She wasn 't taking her meds correctly and got neumonia . April : A closer look at Aidan using an old laptop . May : I 've been noticing how different things are raising Aidan than it was with Christopher and Allen . June : I 'd like to say that something exciting has happened , or that I 've had some kind of epiphany . July : My toes are doing much better . I still think the middle one is broken , but it 's healing . August : Allen , Belinda and Xander are going to be in Oregon today ! September : I was playing around with the photo editing program that came with my printer / scanner and added text to some of them . October : This is proof that Howard is teaching Aidan bad habits . November : I finally found a photo editing program with clear directions on how to do what I really wanted to do . And it was FREE ! So here is my favorite so far . December : Dear Xander , I wish I could call and tell you how much you mean to me . Posted by There 's been some discussion lately about saying " Happy Holidays " or " Merry Christmas " , and whether or not people are or should be bothered when someone uses the wrong one . I am hearing that it 's usually Christians who are feeling the most put out over the whole debate . They feel that by saying " Happy Holidays " instead of " Merry Christmas " their religion is being slighted . The Christ is being taken out of Christmas . The Pagan or other non - Christians who has stated that it bothers them when someone says " Merry Christmas " , seem to be the younger people , and / or the ones who are newest to their religion . Are the young usually more militant ? On a slightly related note , if you found out that your favorite shop / restaurant / store supported groups or philosophic that are diametrically opposed to your own beliefs , would you stop going there and giving them your business ? Would you feel guilty for shopping there before you knew ? How much research do you put into such things ? Dear Xander , I wish I could call and tell you how much you mean to me . But I can 't do that , so I 'm hoping that your Mom will see this and let you know that I 'm thinking about you today . I know that we don 't know each other very well , and that makes me a little sad , but I know that you have a wonderful Mom and Dad , who love you even more than I do . It 's hard to believe that you are already 7 years old ! I remember hearing that you were on your way into the world seven years ago . I was thinking about you and your parents wondering if you had been born yet . I was filled with love and joy when I heard that you and your Mom were doing well . It 's interesting to me to think of how much I love you , my first grandchild . I hope that your day is as special for you as you are to me . I wish I could be with you , to hug you and play with you . Aidan would have so much fun with his big friend Xander . Grandpa Howard told me to tell you that he hopes you have a great birthday . We all love you very much ! Kiss your Mom for me . Love , Grandma I made a Pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving . It turned out really good . I 'm not sure is anyone else liked it , but Howard , Aidan and I did . I also made a pumpkin bread , I KNOW that the kids liked that ! unfortunately Aidan had a major melt down just before dinner . I think it was a combination of too much action , not eating at the normal times , and missing his afternoon nap . But he was screaming , hitting himself , kicking his feet and crying . He wouldn 't calm down for almost half an hour . Howard took him outside and just let him do it . He stood there to make sure he didn 't really hurt himself . Things got worse whenever Howard tried to talk to him , or tried to calm him in any way , so all he could do was sit back and watch . Finally I went outside , it must have been the right moment because Aidan came into my arms and calmed down a little . He was still crying , as if he was extremely sad . We decided that it was time to take him home , and gathered things . By the time we left , Aidan was almost normal again . Once we got home , he ate a little , and went to bed . It was about 45 minutes earlier than normal . He 's been fine since , so he isn 't coming down with anything . ( Thank Goodness ! ) This is not normal for him , I can count the melt downs we have had to go through on one hand . I wish I could have stopped this one . I 'll have to be sure that Aidan gets a nap before we go over for Christmas . And I need to remember that when they say 2 or 3 as the time to arrive that it 's more likely to be 5 or 6 before everyone gets there and we are able to have dinner . SO I need to make sure that Aidan is rested and has had something to eat BEFORE we get there . Oh , and we won 't be going over until 5 or so . I felt so bad for Aidan , he must have been so overwhelmed . And now everyone has this image of him that isn 't even close to how he really is . On top of that , all the other kids spend time together so they know each other well , and they had their GrandMother and Great - Grandmother there to be on their side and think they are the coolest , best andPosted by I 'm still feeling very emotional . I miss my family and friends SO very much ! Maybe it 's my hormones causing this unusually sad feeling . I know that things are changing inside me , I think I 'm getting closer to menopause . So I 'm likely to be feeling kind of . . . off . . . for awhile . I just feel so alone here , I don 't have any friends that are not Howard 's family . My family are all so far away . Even my brother Cody is kind of out of reach for the most part . Well , at least Aidan is here to help bring my mood up a little . And Howard has been pretty understanding through it all . He wants to move back to Oregon even more than I do , so I guess it 's pretty easy for him to understand how I miss home . Howard and I have been a little sick the last couple of days . I think that we are finally on the mend now though . Tomorrow we will be going over to his Aunt 's house for Thanksgiving . I 'm making a Pumpkin Cheesecake for the pot luck type dinner . I hope it turns out well . I miss MY family and friends very very much . This time of year it seems to get worse , maybe because I have more time to think about them . I want you all to know that I 'm thinking of you , I wish we could share Thanksgiving . I love you all . We 've had a few really busy days lately . Aidan isn 't getting naps in the afternoon very often any more , which means he is more tired in the evenings . On Saturday we were out most of the afternoon , we are running the truck while Jimmy is on vacation . Aidan got to see some cows at the a dairy we were working at , and ran around and had a good time . We had dinner around 5 , and then watched a little TV . Aidan got up from his chair and wandered off into his bedroom . I could hear him playing in there . After awhile I noticed that I hadn 't heard him in a little while . I thought he had some how gotten into my bedroom , he loves to go in there for some reason . So I got up to check on him . But he wasn 't back there . I looked in his room and he was up on his bed , covered up , and snuggled with his Elmo , fast asleep . ( Elmo used to be mine , The Girl and Hennifer gave him to me , but Aidan fell in love with him so now Elmo is his . I hope they don 't mind . ) That is the first time he has ever done that . He did wake up around 11 , but a diaper change and Pajamas , and a hug and kiss did the trick . He slept the rest of the night . Lately if we ask him if he is ready for night - night , he will go get Elmo and go to his bed . Well , if it 's about 8 o ' clock or there abouts . No bed time problems yet , thank goodness . Well I actually did it , I got some wonderful yarn and made a sweater for Aidan . It 's not really high quality yarn , but it 's really soft and it looks good . I made it with Lion Brand Homespun yarn in " Montana Sky " which is a nice blue , kind of bumpy yarn . It 's too big , I had to knit it when he was sleeping so I just did it . LOL The sleeves and the lower edge have a roll built in . It 's hooded , and should have a pocket on the front but I ran out of yarn before I got that far . He likes it ok , but since the sleeves are so long it 's a bit of a problem , even rolled up the sleeves tend to slip down over his hands . Posted by Three or four weeks ago the right lens fell out of my glasses and broke . So I went in for a check up and to order new glasses . They arrived a couple of days ago , but I didn 't get the notice until today . So here are a couple of pictures of me with my new glasses . They are the smallest lenses I 've ever had , except maybe when I was a small child . The color in the photos is kind of poor , we were inside and didn 't want to use the flash . I 'll get some better photos soon . I finally found a photo editing program with clear directions on how to do what I really wanted to do . And it was FREE ! So here is my favorite so far . It was really very easy . The program is GIMP . There are a few other things I want to do , one of which is to change the back ground . Here is a picture of litte Tee . He thought he was hunting in the tall grass under the cooler . It was hard to get a good shot of him today . He was very active , pouncing and jumping at the worst possible moment for photos . This is Kee and Tee . I just got lucky in catching Tee mid - pounce . Aidan liked this old riding mower . He climbed up on it and pretended to drive it . Here he is looking at his Daddy . We went to visit Howards cousin Derrail , they have this little picnic table for their grandson , The boys were sitting on it for a time , but Caleb ( The grandson ) decided to get up . Then he sat on the ground behind Aidan . I knelt down to get a picture of Caleb . Aidan leaned down and peeked at me . Posted by I 've started a sweater for Aidan , I hope I have enough light blue yarn to at least finish the front and the back , I have some white and a multi - colored yarn with blue in it that would make good sleeves , hood and pocket . Or maybe I 'll make the sleeves out of the light blue yarn and use the others for the body . Hmmm I might just have to go to the store and get something just for this sweater . Howard isn 't really excited about sweaters for boys , but I think they are cool , and I can make one for a lot less than we can buy one for . Besides here in California it doesn 't get all that cold so a sweater just might be a good choice instead of a coat . However , if we move back home to Oregon , we will have to find him a coat . Well , actually he has one I 'm just not sure if it will fit for the whole winter . But in Salem we can go to the clothing by the pound shop , and maybe there will be something good there . I know that everything will work out ok , because I 'll make sure of it . LOL Aidan has renamed our cats . The Mama cat was named Miss Psycho Kitty Furbrains McMillen , and the little boy kitty was Monster Child Furbrains McMillen . Now they are just Kee and Tee . Key is probably actually Ki , short for Kitty , and Tea , is probably actually Ty another shortened Kitty . But he knows which one is which and calls them by those names every time . I kind of like the new names anyway . But I 'm going to keep the Furbrains part . So you ever feel slighted by your on - line friends ? For example , I submitted a comment to a blog I visit every day , and she never approved it . No explanation , nothing . It 's not really a big deal , but for some reason I feel hurt by it . I almost don 't want to visit her blog any more . It 's such a small thing , but for some odd reason it 's grown to be a very large thing in my mind . I 'll get over it soon enough I 'm sure . My other favorites seem to be doing okay , although one of them has decided to stop blogging for now . I 'll miss her , she has 2 little boys . One of them is a little older than Aidan and the other is a little younger . They live in England . It 's been a lot of fun and very informative as well . But I understand her reasons and I support her choice . I wish more of my family would write blogs , so I could keep up with what is happening with them . So far my 2 sister friends have blogs , and a couple of our friends . ( actually my sister - friends are much closer to them than I am . ) My son Chris has a blog , but he doesn 't post often at all . That 's it , everyone else I read on a regular basis are on - line friends , some of them don 't even know I read them I 'm sure . I have posted comments on a couple of them though . I really admire those who have blogs . Keep it up . Inform us , help us , entertain us , keep your friends and family up to date on what you are doing . It is appreciated , even if no one says so . It 's interesting how we have a different perspective when we are children . Allen thinks I 'm a TV addict , because the TV was on most of the time when he was little . But if he had been just a little bit more observant he would have noticed that I was reading or doing some craft or writing or something . The TV was background noise for me . Music was too distracting for the most part so I didn 't listen to the radio or tapes often . I can 't deal with the quiet either , so I needed something and TV was perfect . Neither of the boys were all that into TV either , Allen was more interested in people and being outside , Chris was into computers and reading . TV was background noise for them too , I think . But Allen thinks I was watching TV all that time , probably because of the few programs I really did watch . To a child it probably did seem like I watched a lot of TV , especially since he didn 't watch much at all . Oh well , I doubt I could get him to change his view of it , so I won 't even try . Aidan is a lot like Allen in a couple of really important ways . First of all , he eats only when he wants to . Some days he eats and eats and eats , and other days he hardly eats at all . Allen used to be like that when he was younger . Aidan is pretty active , like Allen was , and he isn 't all that interested in the TV . So I 'm hoping that Aidan will be in much better shape than I am in . I am hoping he will be more like Allen and will be slim . So far Aidan hasn 't had much preference about the things he wears . As long as he has clothing enough to keep warm or be allowed outside he is fine . I think that is going to change soon though . A couple of days ago we were grocery shopping , we were in the cereal section , when Aidan spotted Dora on a box of KIX , he doesn 't usually eat KIX , but he just had to have THAT box . He even kissed her picture on the front of the box ! I wonder how long it will be until he sees a shirt with one of the Backyardagains on it and just has to have it . He only watches about 10 minutes of any show right now , so maybe it will be longer than I think . I hope so , because those cloths are expensive ! Oh and right now he is between sizes , his 2T pants are getting short , above his ankles , and 3T 's are about 2 inches too long as well as a bit too big around the waist . I did hear that Levis slims are good for little boys who are not chubby . I 'll have to look into them . On a different note , Aidan has developed a taste for grapes . He still likes apples , oranges , peaches , blueberries and pears , but he would turn all of those down to have some grapes . Like most kids he likes candy and other sweets , but give him fresh fruit and he 's happy . I 'm trying to keep things balanced for him , not deny him sugar but keep a limit on it . He eats fairly well , he likes veggies , fruit , eggs , and dairy products . Some days he eats a lot of food , some days he eats a little food . The only problem I have with him is that he won 't drink water . So I 'm slowly watering down his juice and koolade hoping that he will eventually be ok with drinking plain water . Posted by This is proof that Howard is teaching Aidan bad habits . LOL I know that it was an almost empty milk jug . It didn 't have enough left in it for a glass , but they both got a talking to about it . Wish us luck , we have started on the long rocky road known to parents as Potty Training . It may still be a little early , in terms of his vocabulary and desire , but we are trying to set the stage for later advancement . He has training pants , and Howard got him some pull - ups kind of things at the store the other day . So far Aidan has peed in the toilet a couple of times , but still no poop . He doesn 't tell me when he has to go , and I don 't think he even cares if he is wet or poopy . But he does have a little seat that fits on the toilet seat , and a step stool so he can reach it by himself . I 'm hoping that when it 's really the right time he will do it just as quickly as he did when he moved to his bed from his crib . Aidan is now saying " Thank you " and " Be careful " in pretty much the correct situations . He says " Cake " and " Coke " but neither of them usually mean actually cake or coke . Coke means that he wants something to drink , and cake means he wants a treat . Grapes are cake , fruit snakes are cake , and cake is cake . Milk and juice are coke , and any carbonated drink is also coke . But we are working on it . He still calls all animals Buddy . He knows that our kitten is a baby so he calls him Baby , and the Mom kitty is Kitty , as if they are named Baby and Kitty . No news about a bigger house , or a job . There are possibilities though , so maybe I 'll have good news for you all soon . It 's about time that we finally have something good happen for us . But at least we have each other , and even though we are rather poor and live in a junky little house we are happy to be together . Here at Operation Eden a talented young man tells the story of the little town , Pearlington Mississippi , his Mother and brother live in . He has taken some wonderful pictures of the people and devastating pictures of the damage that hurricane Katrina did there . He has of a list of things that the people there need , things that are not getting to them through the Red Cross or FEMA . Like most blogs you need to start at the bottom and read upwards . He has a talent with photos as well as words . Check it out if you have the time . Posted by I was going to post yesterday , but Blogger was down for a scheduled maintains . It was supposed to be only one hour , but 2 hours after it was supposed to be finished I still couldn 't get on . This morning I don 't remember what I was going to say . Oh well . I had to get a new key board . Aidan spilled juice on my old one . It was 7 years old , and ergonomic style keyboard . So now I am having to get used to this new one . It 's just a cheap traditional keyboard . The design is a little different , and of course the board it 's self isn 't split like my old one , so I keep hitting the wrong keys . ( sigh ) I 'll get used to it , and my typing speed will get back to normal soon enough . Aidan has learned to say " I love you too . " It actually sounds more like " Of you too . " But it is so sweet to hear . He has been watching Dora lately , and says " Backpack " but not when they ask kids to say it during the show . LOL He know what the backpack is though , because he points to it and says " Backpack " . I 'll have to see if he knows his backpack is a backpack . Yesterday DJ turned 1 . I wish I cold have been there to give him hugs and kisses and plenty of love . It was really nice spending so much time with him back in February . I miss my family so much ! And my friends ! I 'm hoping that we can get back to Oregon pretty soon . I just don 't know when that will be . Posted by I read The Girl almost everyday . This morning I got all teary eyed , because I wish I could be there to help her , because I love her and her family . And because I can 't be there . I 'm sure she knows that I love her , that I would do anything possible for her . However , I can 't do anything about this particular situation . I have every confidence that she will be able to handle whatever life throws her way . Go in love , Little Sister . Except for allergies I 'm feeling much better now . Whatever it was went away almost as suddenly as it came . Thank goodness . I 'm thinking about baking some cinnamon rolls tonight or tomorrow . I 've been wanting cinnamon rolls the last couple of days . Maybe I 'll bake some bread too . . . Maybe not . LOL It 's getting easier to do things while Aidan is awake . He likes to pretend he is washing dishes while I cook . So I give him some plastic plates and cups and turn of the cold water . He will happily " wash " them for up to half an hour with out getting bored . Sometimes there is water on the floor but that 's not too much of a problem considering I can do things in the kitchen and not have to worry about where he is and what he is doing . Now that everything is finally cleaned up after my visitors this summer , I hope I can keep it up . That will keep my life more relaxed . We still haven 't heard about moving , Howard is really getting tired of California . He would pack up today and go back to Oregon , if we had enough money to get a U - Haul . I 'm a little more cautious . I 'd like to have a plan before we do anything . I 'd also like to have the adoption finished . But I don 't know if that is going to happen . It could take 6 months or more , once we figure out how much money we will need . I have read that a home study isn 't necessary , so that would save some money , if that is true . There are also ways to have some of the fees waived . I think it would be easier , and quicker to do it here . Aidan was born here and there are plenty of people who could testify about the situation . Oh well , I guess we will do what we have to do when we can . I 've had head aches and upset stomach for the last 3 days . All I 've really wanted to do is sleep . That is something really hard to do when I have a family that doesn 't seem to be able to function with out my help . Actually they do fine for the most part , but neither of them are used to not having me around to do things , so some things don 't get done . I think I 'm feeling better tonight so maybe it 's past . I need to e - mail my Mom to let her know that we aren 't going to have a cell phone for a little while . We can 't afford it right now , the service we were using didn 't have a good connection around here , no connection in the house , and the battery on the phone wouldn 't hold a charge very long . We tried to take it back to the store , and they said that they couldn 't even order a new battery for us we would have to call the main office and talk to them . The main office told us to go to the store and refused to believe we had already done that . I need to let her know because I was calling every week - end and I don 't want her to think I 'm upset or anything . This wonderful man will donate $ 1 to help those suffering from Katrina , for every one who comments to his post . He asked that the link be shared around the internet , so here it is . Go on over and post a comment . While there you might want to check into the rest of his blog , he 's a writer with a book almost ready to present to publishers . I found this on His blog . Today Aidan came over to me and said " Gi me fie . " and held his hand out palm up . It was so exciting that he said some thing new and knew exactly what it meant . So I " gave him five " as asked and he said it again . We played this game for a few minutes , then he got distracted by something across the room . Right now we are watching Sesame Street , they are singing the " School " song in Elmo 's world . For those of you who don 't know about Elmo 's world , all the songs are sung to the tune of " Jingle Bells " and the words are repeated over and over . So the " School " song goes something like this : " School , school , school . School , school , school . " I 'm sure you get the idea . Anyway , Aidan is standing in front of the TV singing with them ! What he is singing sounds like " Cool , cool , cool . " but it is obvious that he is singing and dancing with Elmo and the others . It 's the first time he has done this , and the first time he has used the word School . He has also started to say " Eww , yucky ! " when someone farts . Sometimes he uses it when he doesn 't want something , or if he isn 't hungry and is offered something to eat . He still doesn 't say important words like " hungry or thirsty " or any other words to get what he wants . He does often say " thank you " , and sometimes " you 're welcome " . It seems like he is making some progress with talking . My Mom thinks he doesn 't talk because he doesn 't have to , that might be part of it but I think it 's more than that . Today my son , Allen , turns 23 ! I so , enjoyed his visit but wish that it had been able to last until his birthday , so that I could have been with him . Oh well , I 'm sure he has plans . Anyway , even though I know he doesn 't read blogs , I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY , my sweet little boy . ( Ok so he isn 't so little any more , but he is sweet . ) I got my first comment spam today . I deleted it and turned on the word verification for comments . Now when you comment you will have to verify that you are a real person and not a bot . I 'm sorry it 's a bit of an inconvenience . Saturday we all went to Turlock so the kids could play in the park with Cody 's kids . I think that Xander had a good time with the kids , Aidan couldn 't really keep up with them all the time but he had a good time as well . Then we went to Cody 's house and I was able to visit with Kelly and everyone until about 11PM ! It was great . But then we had to come home . Allen , Xander and Belinda had to stay at Cody 's so that they could go to San Francisco Sunday . I miss them so much . Sunday evening my Mom came down from Cody 's and stayed until this morning . Now all I have left is dirty dishes , and a house that feels very empty all of a sudden ! I enjoyed spending time with Xander , we were able to talk some . He is really fun to have around . I wish I lived closer to him so we could spend more time together . I enjoyed Allen and Belinda as well . Now I have to figure out how to stop feeling so alone ! I didn 't really realize that I missed my family so much , until they were here . Allen , Xander and Belinda made it here early this morning . It was about 3 : 45 AM when the called to get directions . By 4 they were here . They all laid down for a little bit . My Mom , who had driven them down here , slept for almost an hour . Then she went up to my brother Cody 's house . Right now Allen and Belinda are still asleep , Xander woke up a little while ago . We are watching Dora the Explorer , because I 'm too tired to do anything else with him right now . Maybe I 'll get a nap later . Howard is working with his cousin right now , but when he gets back he is planning to fill the ring on the top of the pool with air and fill the pool so that this afternoon the boys can play in the water . I know there will be lots to tell you all about this visit , I 'll try to update often . Feeling like 95 degrees is a relief from the heat ! BUGS ! I can 't seem to get rid of the bugs , I 've cleaned and sprayed and squashed , and still the ants keep coming ! We 've had other bugs as well , even the dreaded roaches . ( I think we are actually making progress but I 've had to resort to bug sprays and unpacking things I didn 't want unpacked . ) Terrible two 's ! Especially because he doesn 't talk enough yet to tell me what he wants . Diapers ! We are trying to potty train Aidan , but since he doesn 't say " potty " or anything else it 's kind of frustrating for all of us , but I hate changing diapers so I have to knuckle down and do it . Feeling tired so much of the time . All the aches and pains that go with being older and overweight . I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian . I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman . I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful , tear - filled nights . We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time . I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty - seven years into the room . I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had . I wish they could adopt me . I am one of the lucky ones , I guess . I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks , and in another year I will probably be able to walk again . I am not one of the lucky ones . I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school . It was simply too much to bear . We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one - bedroom for two men . I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me . I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore , nursed , and raised . The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman . I am the domestic - violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman . I am the domestic - violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male . I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men . I am the home - economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that . I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual . I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn 't have to always deal with society hating me . I am the man who stopped attending church , not becausePosted by Allen called yesterday , they are in Oregon and doing well . I guess they missed their flight and had to wait 6 hours for another . But everything is fine now . They are planning on leaving to come down here on either the 20th or the 21st . Hooray ! I can 't wait to see them . Aidan update : He still calls all animals " Buddy " , but he thinks our cats name is " Kitty " . He says Buddy strangely too . Something like " Buh - DEE " . He reminds me of Allen when he was this age , not the talking specifically , just in general . He will eat a lot on some days , and almost nothing on others . He is thin , but not skinny . He would always rather be outside than inside , no matter how hot , cold , wet , or windy . He hasn 't figured out that rules are always rules , he seems to think that it 's ok to do something later even though we told him not to before . Allen , Belinda and Xander are going to be in Oregon today ! Actually I 'm not sure it will be today , or tomorrow , but I like to think it 's today . Later this month they will down here for a few days before going back to NYC . I don 't think I 've seen Xander for nearly 4 years . I 've seen pictures , of course , and I 've talked to him on the phone several times over the years . I hope that he won 't be too bored while he is here , and that we can figure out enough vegetarian food for everyone to be happy . I am really worried that things won 't be right during their visit . Our house is so small , it 's summer and we can 't get rid of the bugs . It 's going to be hot , I don 't know very much about vegetarian cooking , and I don 't have much for a 6 year old to do . I hope that Aidan will not cause too much of a problem , I know that Belinda doesn 't want to have any kids , two year olds can be quite a pain for even the most tolerant of people . I haven 't met her so I don 't know he feelings about kids . She might love them , enjoy playing with them , be tolerant of every little quirk even the worst behaved child can have , but just doesn 't feel the desire to have any of her own for her own reasons . Or she could be nervous around kids , quickly irritated by them and grossed out by the thought of grubby little hands touching her . I 'm sure that she wouldn 't be coming to visit if she really felt the latter , I 'm sure that Allen has told her enough about us that she knows how things are around here . But I worry anyway . I want her visit to be good , I want to get to know her and to become friends with her . Especially if she is going to be in my son 's life , and the life of my Grandson . I want Xander to be happy while he is here as well . In fact I 'm more worried about how he will feel about Aidan than anyone else . 6 year old boys and 2 year old boys don 't have a lot in common . It can be quite annoying when someone keep bothering you , Aidan is good at that . ( Oh , and I 'm sure Xander won 't like being called a baby . That 's what Aidan says when he sees kids , to Posted by This place has some really great teas . I like their paper filters which are kind of like tea bags but allow you to fill them with the tea you like best . Howard can take them to work and make a cup of tea without any mess . I would like to have this for here at home . I don 't drink a lot of tea , but I might if it were easier . Howard like Herbal teas , I think I 'd go for Green or Black myself . Anyway , if you get the chance check them out . Try their teas . I think you 'll like it . I 've been thinking a lot about family lately . I know that I am lucky to have a relatively close relationship with my family . I don 't have a lot in common with my brother Cody , except that we both have young children . But we seem to get along pretty well for the most part . Mark and I are great friends . We think alike on several issues , but can debate without anger on those issues we differ on . My Mom is one of my best friends , and I love my Dad very much . I never had a sister though . I think I would have liked to have one . Some Native American groups have interesting family relationships . Along with the blood relatives there are also family by choice . They call them , as close as possible a translation into English as we can , Sister / Brother / Mother / Father / Uncle / Aunt Friends . You treat these people the same way you would blood family . They have the same rights and responsibilities . I 've thought about finding a Sister Friend to help fill that place in my life . I know of two young ladies that I already feel very close to . In fact one of them might already fit that description , at least she used to . We used to go to the SCA together , and our background story was that we were sisters . We even told people at school that we were sisters . We were often told that there was a family resemblance between us . LOL I 'm 45 and she is 30 so it 's possible . Especially since my Mom had me when she was only 16 , so she would have been only 31 when my sister was born . The other woman I 'd like as a Sister Friend also turned 30 recently . Like me she is the oldest , but she has sisters as well as brothers . She is strong and supportive , and a very loving woman . If I could design a perfect sister for me , I would want her to be as close as possible to my friend . One of the best things about these two women , is the fact that they are best friends . This morning , when I took Howard to work , at 8 : 50 AM , the Walgreens sign , you know the kind that shows the time , the temp . and whatever specials are going on now , read 84 degrees ! At 8 : 50 ! It 's supposed to be around 104 or so later today . I don 't do well in the heat , the cold hurts , but I can put on more cloths and it 's fairly easy to warm up , but cooling off is not so easy . There are only so much you can do . We are told to conserve energy , or we might experience rolling brown outs . Have I mentioned that I don 't want to live in California any more ? In other news , Allen is going to be on the West Coast next month ! Xander and Belinda are going to be with him ! I 'm so excited ! I can hardly wait . I 'm not sure what we will do when they are here at my place , I 'm not sure where we will put them . But we will work it all out . I just hope that they will have a good time and will enjoy their visit as much as I expect I will . I 'm still going through and sorting stuff here in the living room , after I 'm done in here , I 'll go through the boxes in Aidan 's closet , maybe he will actually have space in there for his stuff someday ! I really want out of this house , and out of this State , but in the mean time I have to make do with what I have . I pre - ordered the new Harry Potter book months ago , I just got an e - mail saying that it 's going to be delayed until the 20th . I was supposed to get it the 16th , so I could get it without all the hassle in the store . Now it looks like I should have just waited and gone through the lines anyway . I did save a few dollars with the pre - order , so maybe it 's worth it after all . ( sigh ) Oh well , it 's too late to do anything about it now . Next time I 'll think about it a little bit more . Here are a few pictures of Aidan 's room when all the toys are put away . The closet is full of boxes , and other stuff . This is his bed . The sheets are purple for the top sheet and the bottom sheet is black . The comforter has a fireman theme . There is a box under the toys , somewhere . It used to be one of those red recycle boxes . We can 't recycle curbside here so we use it for toys . At the head of his bed he has this big Mickey Mouse . These are his favorite trucks he likes to sleep with them . His little plastic wagon is under the dump truck . I didn 't use a flash , so the pictures are all slightly yellow even with the fixes my picture program has . I have a couple of pictures of what his room looks like afterwards . Maybe I 'll post them later . I 'm using the new option for uploading pictures , I 'll have to get used to it to figure out placement . But I think I like it , because I can do more than one at a time . My toes are doing much better . I still think the middle one is broken , but it 's healing . It itches like crazy . I caught some kind of sinus / head cold / sickness from Howard . The pressure and the head ache it caused was awful , the post nasal drip down the back of my throat caused it to feel like I 'd swallowed a hand full of razor blades . Thank goodness that only lasted 4 days ! I 'm almost back to normal now . Unfortunately I have to catch up on a weeks worth of dirty dishes . Howard is a wonderful man who took over child care and dinners while I was feeling sick . But he hates washing dishes even more than I do . So they stacked up . Hopefully I 'll be able to stand at the sink long enough to do a drainer full a couple times a day until they get caught up . Then I can get back into the purging of things we really don 't need . I 'm a real pack rat , I 'd like to end that habit . Maybe I 'll post some pictures of Aidan 's room , when it was actually cleaned up . I haven 't done any painting or other decorating in there yet , it 's just his bed and his toys . But that 's enough . LOL He has several large stuffed toys , lots of Large blocks , small stuffed toys , and cars and trucks in all sizes . Posted by Around noon today , I dropped a board on my foot . I think my middle toe is broken , it 's swollen and hurts just to touch it . Of course the board broke the skin on two of my toes , the middle one and the one next to the big toe , so I had to put bandages on them . Now the middle one hurts even more . I 'd take a picture but I 'd have to remove the wild animal bandages that are on them . I 'm going through things again . Tossing even more stuff . Unfortunately that means that the living - room is pretty messy as I sort through things . Now that I hurt my toes , I 'm going to have to re - evaluate what I 'm going to do and how I 'm going to do it . I think one of my end tables is going to get taken out . One leg came off when we moved in here . I might be able to fix it , but it will probably always be weak . If I do fix it I 'll try to find someplace to put it where it won 't get abused by Aidan who seems to think that tables are for playing on . The heat of summer has finally hit . It will be in the 100 's for the next few days . I hate the heat ! Well , at least my cooler is working , it makes things bearable . I hope you all can keep cool , and enjoy the summer . Everything is back to normal now , I 'm not constantly worried about Aidan getting lost . I still keep a close eye on him , but I always did that . I 'm even less worried about letting Aidan go outside with Howard . I realize that Howard was just as scared as I was , and has learned something about being a parent . Aidan can count to 10 ! Well , I 'm not sure that anyone but Howard and I would know that is what he is doing . LOL He sometimes skips 6 or 7 , but he loves 3 , 8 , 9 and 10 . He still isn 't talking very much . It 's starting to get frustrating for him and for me . Maybe the frustration will help him want to talk more . It 's fun watching him learn new things . I 'm thrilled with his love of books , even though he won 't often sit still long enough for me to read one to him . He will sit down on his own and look at them and pretend to read one of them . He still loves his cars and trucks best of all his toys , he even likes to sleep with them . I 'll have to get a picture of that one of these days . I want to paint the rest of the kitchen , but I don 't know when there will be time for it , actually time enough without Aidan getting underfoot . Posted by This week end was pretty busy for us . Friday Howard worked with his cousin Jimmy , while Aidan and I just went about our normal day . Saturday we went shopping at Ross again . This time the store had a more normal amount of customers . We found a nice pair of slacks for Howard to wear to work . ( I don 't think I mentioned before , but Howard is working part time temporary for the City of Atwater . It 's a possibility that it could develop into a permanent full time job eventually . ) The slacks were only $ 14 , the original price tag was $ 50 so we felt like we did pretty well on them . I found a cute orange t - shirt with Scooby Doo on the front for Aidan and Howard found a set of Spiderman summer pajamas . I got another pair of jeans , a pair of purple velvet lounge pants , and a top that Howard likes but I 'll never wear in public because I have to wear it braless and at my age gravity is taking over if you know what I mean . LOL We spent close to $ 10 on Aidans stuff , and about $ 17 on my stuff . Sunday we woke up a little later than usual , Aidan and I got up and let Howard sleep a little bit longer , then we went in to wake him up and give him his card and the cereal box . We had fun playing together . Then I made breakfast . Aidan and Howard playing together until nearly lunch time . We decided that we had to do laundry and that we wanted it to take as little time as possible , so we went to the laundry mat . Now we have lots of clean cloths . We had lunch at a little sandwich shop next door to the laundry mat . After that we went out to a family reunion . It was actually Jimmy 's family ( The side Howard isn 't related to ) but they wanted us to be there anyway . It was really nice , it was held in the yard of one of the family . They had 2 bouncy houses , games and wading pools and lots of kids . Everything was great until I asked Howard to watch Aidan so I could visit with out worrying about where he was . ( The yard wasn 't fenced and there was a road where people seemed to drive extra fast . ) I guess Howard let Aidan out of the bouncy house , and thougMessed up Mama Father 's Day Cereal box . I 'm not sure why it 's so blurry , but this is the best of 6 pictures , so there you go . It 's a mini cereal box , the one serving size . The brand name across the top says " Aidan 's Best Cereal " The kind of Cereal is " Father 's Day Puffs " and the little blurb under the title says " Chocolate goodness for Daddy ! " I think you can see the picture ok , but if not it the Cool kid picture from a few days ago . I actually put cereal in the box , Cocoa Puffs . It was fun making it ! Thanks to Shylah I found a special home made Father 's Day gift for Howard . It 's at Mr Breakfast . I 'll post pictures in a little bit , so you probably have already seen what I did . Now all I have to do is wait until Sunday . ( Have I mentioned that I hate to wait ? LOL ) I 've been thinking about my own need to make peace within myself . It 's not that there is all that much chaos , or anger , or other disruption in reality but the little bit that there is I 'd like to resolve . I think I need to accept myself , faults and all . I need to be completely happy with myself . That 's the hardest part . I already feel that I accept the people closest to me faults and all . I accept that I can 't change the things seem to me to be faults . I am very happy with my life as it stands now . All the faults in my life are actually just things I 'd like to have . ( More money , a bigger home ) . There are a few thing from the past that I need to really look at and let go . Self doubt and disappointment are the main hurdles I have to cross . Posted by |
Jas 's joy of being reunited with his sister is short lived when one night she is murdered by a madman , a madman his foster brother claims is a vampire . Sent out on a mission to find a monster , Jas meets Mayze , and he 's like no one he 's ever met before . Is he the monster who killed his sister , or could he just be the answer to his prayers ? Manhattan - based private investigator , Leo Gannet , accepts an assignment to tail his father 's boyfriend , theater director Thane Covey on a clandestine trip to a tiny Greek island . With only three hundred inhabitants and four miles to cover , Leo worries about pulling off his mission . He soon discovers he 's got bigger problems : Thane Covey is the sexiest man he 's ever seen . And he 's not alone . Leo soon becomes insanely jealous , then very worried . To top it off , Thane also seems to have somebody else 's attention . . . a hitman 's . New York banker Carlton Jaymes Pearce receives an ultimatum from his doctor : accept a lifestyle change and early retirement to reduce his astronomical stress levels or be prepared to have a heart attack - soon . Being only thirty - eight , Carlton isn 't ready to die and decides to finally learn how to sail . Neither he nor his private sailing instructor , Troy Nicholls , are ready for the almost instant attraction that leads to a hot and heavy summer fling . But all is not well because someone from Carlton 's past appears on the scene to exact revenge for a perceived injustice . Carlton and Troy are kidnapped and left on a deserted island . Will the mysterious man 's wrath cost them their lives ? From the final pirouette to the grand jeté , Magda 's attention never wavered from the scene in front of her eyes . It had been like watching a child surrounded by treats in a candy store . It was all so good that in the end you never really end up choosing . In the early nineties , when the war over independence had erupted in Bosnia , Jas was only twelve years old . Magda had been sixteen . Given that Bosnia 's male children seemed to be more of a target than females , his parents feared for Jas ' safety . At the age of thirteen , his parents sent him to New York City to live with his father 's cousin , Adel , and her family . It had been a tough decision for the family . The decision had not been made in haste , and his parents had changed their minds several times about sending him to New York . Jas remembered how angry he 'd been at being sent away . He hadn 't wanted to leave his family . The night before he 'd actually left , his sister had sat up all night , quietly talking to him . She 'd convinced him that it was the right thing to do and that soon they 'd all be together again . Finally , two years ago , his sister had arrived in America . After their mother had passed away , they 'd talked about it while Jas was home for the service . Magda was so excited . She 'd been learning English for a few years in preparation and they always spoke English on the phone and exchanged emails in that language . " English , English , sister . You are in America now . . . and I am happy too . " They 'd held on to each other for a long time - all of the memories and loss filling them both for a few minutes - before they broke apart . It had taken a while for his sister to be able to address him as Jas . He didn 't use Jasminko anymore . It was too long a name and people had problems pronouncing it . Not to mention , they always wanted to know what kind of a name that was . He 'd have to explain where he was from , and that brought up a past that he didn 't like talking about . She was right , of course . He 'd been in the US now for almost eighteen years . Many things had changed in his life since he 'd left Bosnia . His mother 's cousin had been an Adem . Her father had been the oldest in the family , and he 'd always wanted Jas ' father to come with him to America . His father , however , had been very proud of his homeland , always believing he could make it better . Jas couldn 't help thinking how different everything would have been if his parents had taken Magda and came to America before he was born . Maybe his parents would be alive today . His uncle had worked as a scientist in the American government . His wife had died in childbirth and Adel , his daughter , had married an Irishman called Patrick O ' Kelly . They had two children , Harlan and Anne . Harlan , the elder of the two , had become a Catholic priest . Jas was completely out of touch with his roots , and given the history , he 'd never really had the heart to reconnect . Aside from his older sister , his only family was the O ' Kellys , and they had been good to him . They treated him like one of their own , and the youngest , Anne , thought of him as a brother . Anne had once told Jas that he was like her only brother because Harlan was so difficult to get close to . Jas ' relationship with Anne hadn 't made him miss Magda any less , but it had helped to ease the pain of their separation . Today , Anne was a cop - as a kid , she 'd always been a bit of a daredevil . They 'd spent a lot of time together doing nonsense . Patrick and his twin brother , John , were partners in an industrial construction supply business . Patrick had always been a little disappointed that Harlan , the only boy , didn 't share his interest in the business and he hadn 't been that thrilled to see him enter the priesthood . Pat was Catholic in name only , didn 't trust priests and was pretty vocal about it . It didn 't help the rocky relationship he had with his son . Jas , on the other hand , was fascinated with building . He had been as a boy , and by the time he was sixteen , he 'd been working summers for the O ' Kelly brothers . They 'd taught him everything , and he 'd paid his way through trade school and university that way . After Jas graduated , he went to work full - time in the business . He 'd been promised a partnership and a chance to buy them out when they retired , which was definitely in his plans . He loved his life . He 'd bought a small house on the east side , twenty minutes from the office , and had saved enough money to set his sister up in her own place when she was ready and help her find a good job . He didn 't want her doing menial labour like some immigrant women ended up doing - cleaning rich people 's houses or offices for shit wages . It began with the dog walking around in circles and ended with me on a plane to Athens , Greece , tracking my father 's boyfriend . Yeah , you heard it right . Just when my dog , Jezebel , needed me most , I couldn 't come up with the funds to treat her sudden onset of vestibular disease . A call to my dad for a loan got me an unwanted job , but it also meant the money I desperately needed to take care of my best friend in the whole wide world . < / span > My vet is an awesome guy . He 's not the type to chisel his human clients for expensive tests , but when my Australian shepherd , Jez , started tilting her head , scratching her ear , walking in circles and falling down , Dr Lang warned me it might be very serious . He couldn 't tell if her vestibular problem was because of an ear infection or a brain tumour . This meant a slew of tests . In my work as a private eye , I have good months and bad months . Lately they 've all been bloody awful . In this tough economy , people have been taking matters into their own hands , following cheating spouses themselves . . . or just turning a blind eye to their shenanigans . No matter how many times I tell a love - sick spouse that you get what you pay for , a few have ignored me , with catastrophic results . As much as any guy wants to know if his wife is diddling another guy , nobody really wants to see it for themselves . And then there is the matter of getting caught . There isn 't a person alive who looks attractive acting like a stalker . . . But enough about that . I was frightened enough about Jez having a disease I couldn 't spell , let alone treat . New York was bracing itself for some sweltering , triple - digit summer heat , and my A / C was on the fritz . I 'd have to get that repaired as well if I was going to keep Jezebel comfy . When I called him for a loan , my father , Leo Gannet Sr , was unusually willing to pay for the initial battery of tests . He gave Dr Lang 's office manager his credit card details right over the phone . I should have been suspicious , but I wasn 't until he said , " Leo , we need to meet and discuss terms . " As I grabbed a taxi to meet him for coffee on Manhattan 's lower east side , I watched the day 's heat shimmer in waves from the scorching bitumen . I bounced along on the uncomfortable , macramé - covered back seat , the strong smell of curry and rice permeating the cab . I held on for dear life , worried the back door of the decrepit vehicle would fling open , tossing me to the kerb . As we slammed to a halt outside Bluestockings Café , I wondered if my father 's terms meant a repayment plan I 'd have to make - with interest . Dad waited for me inside Bluestockings , an activist café & nbsp ; and bookstore he would never have frequented when he was straight . A contract - law attorney , he 'd always been the epitome of Brooks Brothers couture . Now he was gay , he dressed like a frickin ' rich , hippie weirdo with tie - dyed T - shirts and hemp pants and gave free legal advice to old ladies selling organic produce . I noticed prayer beads lurking against his hairy chest and gem stone bracelets clinking on his wrists . I detected a strong whiff of patchouli incense when he threw his arms around me . Though I wanted my father to be happy , I wished he could have done it whilst maintaining a closer relationship with soap . He still looked distinguished . . . sort of . He needed a shave and a trim . He looked bleary - eyed and exhausted . Dad hugged me like it had been weeks since we 'd seen each other . Upon reflection , it had , so I let him hug me . He oohed and aahed over me . That pleased him . His expression was serene when he finally released me . I sat down at a small table wedged between a huge basket bearing a fresh harvest of dwarf cameo apples on one side and another basket filled with free yarn and needles for the shop 's dyke knitting circle on the other . I hadn 't even ordered myself a cup of coffee when he hit me with the news . " She won 't be alone . You forget , I love that dog , too , " he told me . " She 's fourteen , son . Things start to go wrong then . " " My boyfriend 's cheating on me . " He fiddled with a ball of bright blue yarn , winding the thread around his fingers . " I hacked his computer and I found his Kayak . com account . That fool 's been online , hooking up a romantic vacation with another guy whilst I 'm doing my best to win his heart . " " You have no idea , " Dad said . " My God . . . the dinners , the concerts . . . " his voice trailed away . He dumped the yarn back into the communal basket . " I brought all the information you 'll need . " He had his iPad with him . The shocks didn 't stop coming . My father , who still wore a watch and had the world 's oldest cell phone on record , suddenly had an iPad and a net detective account . His boyfriend , who he said was a hot theatre director named Thane Covey , was my age - thirty - two . That was embarrassing . Visions of cradles and masked bandits danced in my head as my fifty - eight year old father showed me the Kayak account in question . " He claims all kinds of work things - social things . He 's always got a thing he 's gotta do . " My father threw his hands into the air . " I got this . . . thing , " he mimicked . " You 're not seriously telling me that I 'm in danger of having a heart attack . I 'm only thirty - eight years old ! " Carlton Jaymes Pearce stared at the physician , willing him to retract his words . All he 'd come to the clinic for was his employer 's required annual physical . He hadn 't expected dire predictions about his future . " If this is some sort of joke . . . " < / span > " No joke . " The white - haired doctor shook his head . " I wouldn 't joke about something like this . It would be highly unethical . And contrary to common belief , age is no protection or guarantee that you 're safe . " " But . . . but how ? " He took good care of himself . He didn 't smoke , ate mostly sensibly , and went to the gym three or four times a week . " Your cholesterol is extremely high , as is your blood pressure . Your family history is another risk factor against you . " The doctor looked up from the file , narrowing his eyes . " However , I suspect that the largest contributor is your stress level . " " Stress . " There 'd certainly been enough of that in the last two years . With the way the banking sector was heading , it wasn 't likely to get any less stressful in the future , either . His personal life was a mess , too . The breakup with Michael had been awful , but he wouldn 't accept infidelity no matter how neglected the younger man had claimed he 'd felt . " I 'm afraid that isn 't possible . " The doctor held up a hand to stop him from interrupting . " I agree that medication would reduce some of the physical risk factors , but it wouldn 't reduce your stress levels . I cannot in good conscience put you on medication and leave it at that . What you need is rest and a complete change of lifestyle . " " Rest ? I can 't take a vacation at this point in the fiscal year . " His boss would kill him a long time before any potential heart attack would . " You don 't understand , Mr Pearce . " The doctor leant forward in his chair . " This isn 't a question of a vacation . I 'm going to recommend a leave of absence of at least six months before a re - evaluation to see if you 've made enough progress to consider a return to part - time work . " " You . . . you what ? " He could feel his blood pressure rise . He was ready to have that heart attack right now . The man was clearly out to end his career . " Are you trying to get me fired ? " " No , I 'm not . I 'm trying to save your life . As far as I can see , it 's either your current job or your life . It 's extremely unlikely that you 'll be able to keep both . " The doctor shrugged and sat back . " I 'd go for my life if I were you , but it 's your choice . " " It 's that serious ? " Carlton took a deep breath and sat back when the doctor nodded . Maybe it was time to reconsider . His job as chief financial officer at the large bank he currently worked for had lost its appeal about two years ago . His boss would never approve a leave of absence - there were too many equally qualified people flooding the market right now . He had more than enough money to last him several lifetimes if he continued to invest carefully . So what was stopping him ? " Isn 't there anything you 've always wanted to do , but never had the time to follow up on ? Something you dreamed of when you were a child ? " The doctor smiled . " Provided it 's not stressful in its own right , of course . I had a patient in here the other day whose response was sky diving . That was not a choice I was able to support . " " Really ? " He grinned . " I 've always loved the ocean . We used to spend our summer vacations in Florida , at my grandparents ' beach house . I spent all my time either in the water , swimming , or near the water , reading . But I was never allowed on a boat . It was considered too dangerous . " " Well , now you can do what you want . If done right , there is no inherent danger or stress in sailing . Learning to sail might be exactly what you 're looking for . " The doctor made a note in his file . " I 'll still want you to return here for another evaluation in six months ' time , just to make sure you 're on the right track . " " Could you do me a favour , please ? " He didn 't want the news to get to his boss via the human resources department . " Could you hold the report back for a day or so ? I 'd like the chance to talk to my boss and settle this without interference from the rules and regulations people . I 'd rather resign than be asked to leave for medical reasons . " " That will be no problem , Mr Pearce . Anything that makes your life easier is fine with me . " The doctor smiled and closed the file . " But remember , I 'm still going to have to send the report . After all , your employer did pay for it . " " That 's fine . " Carlton felt more relaxed and about ten years younger already . He 'd always been good at making decisions quickly . Decisive could have been his middle name . This way , at least he was in control of what was going to happen . D . J . Manly says , " I write not only for my own pleasure , but for the pleasure of my readers . I can 't remember a time in my life when I haven 't written and told stories . When I 'm not writing , I 'm dreaming about writing , doing something wild and adventurous , or trying to make the world a better and more open - minded place to live in . I adore beautiful men , and I know I 'm not alone in this ! Eroticism between consenting adults , in all its many forms , is the icing on the cake of life ! " A . J . Llewellyn lives in California , but dreams of living in Hawaii . Frequent trips to all the islands , bags of Kona coffee in the fridge and a healthy collection of Hawaiian records keep this writer refueled . I 'm a night owl and start writing when everyone else in my time zone is asleep . I 've loved reading all my life and spent most of my childhood with my nose buried in a book . Although I always wanted to be a writer , financial independence came first . Twenty - some years and a successful business career later I took some online writing classes and never looked back . I like exploring those differences in my stories , most of which happen to be romances . My characters have a tendency to want to do their own thing , so I often have to rein them back in . The one thing we all agree on is the desire for a happy ending . I currently live in the United Kingdom , sharing my house with a vast collection of books . I like reading , traveling , spending time with my nieces and listening to classical music . I have a passion for science and learning new languages . Kyle Braden has nowhere else to go . With no money and no prospects , he turns to the only man who promises him help . Jack Campbell - Hayes wants to show Kyle that he can be more than he ever thought . Lost in the system and with three years on the streets marking every inch of his body , Jason Smith is scared . His life is an evil mess of hate and despair , and even the offer of a fresh start and a clean bed isn 't enough for him feel safe . Until Kyle comes into his life and shows him that it 's okay not to be in control . Some might say that Kyle Braden is a broken character in need of fixing , I don 't , I see a man who was lost after being abused in the most horrible way . Jason Smith is only slightly less lost after his life on the streets . When they 're both given a chance to find their way at the Legacy Ranch the newest addition to the Double D , life changes but it 's not easy . After everything they have both been through and seen , trust is not easily given . Kyle , The First Legacy is a wonderful story on its own and the fact that it is a spin - off of the author 's Texas series is only an added plus . I never imagined that I could truly enjoy the Double - D spinoff without Jack and Riley Campbell - Hayes , boy was I wrong . That 's not to say we don 't see some of the regulars from the Double - D universe but it 's in small side helpings , almost like a bites of dessert taken throughout the meal . Legacy Ranch may be a off - shoot of RJ Scott 's Texas series , but it is a journey all on its own with new stories that I can 't wait to continue reading because I couldn 't put Kyle down . Jason left with his one bag , and he 'd spent the night in the park . Which was no hardship . The nights were cold , but he had newspaper and a single blanket , and he was used to this shit . Anyway , the park was alive with all kinds of humanity that were on his level . He used his bag as a pillow , slept with an ear open for any sounds , and managed a couple of hours of shut - eye . Okay , so getting woken at 5 : 00 a . m . by a guy in a suit who wanted a cheap - and - quick blowjob with added hair pulling wasn 't the best way to meet the new day , but the twenty Jason pocketed was worth it . He just needed to clean up now and used the locked public bathrooms by climbing in through the narrow window . His skinny frame easily fit through the small space , and he dropped to his feet inside . The place stunk ; even if it was raining , no way on earth would he sleep in here . The stench of urine and shit and fuck - knows - what - else were enough to have his eyes burning . Still , there was water in here , and he had bits of soap in his backpack - real soap that he 'd taken from his last motel booking - and a can of deodorant . He needed it because today was going - to - the - bank day . He took the money out of every place he 'd hidden it , and laid it out on the sink . Five hundred and eight dollars . Jason pocketed the eight , enough to buy breakfast , and the rest he rolled up with a rubber band and poked right down into the bottom of his bag . He considered leaving out another fifty , maybe even getting a room for the night , but he 'd easily get a place in a hostel if he turned up early enough . Noises announced someone else slithering in through the window , and then Evo stood next to him . No one knew why he was called Evo , but the five - five skinny teenager was probably the closest thing Jason had to a friend . If you could have that kind of thing in his walk of life . They 'd partied together , but not in the beer - and - laughter sense , more the being - used - together kind of way . Still , situations like that bonded guys . " Heard there 's a party over at Jeb 's tonight , " Evo said with a grin . He looked well , bright and awake , and he was wearing new clothes . Likely he 'd lifted them from a john , but he actually looked kind of cute . Then it hit Jason : Jeb was having a party , so that had to be why Jason had gotten thrown out . Jeb 's parties were young boys , old men , and a hell of a lot of pain . Not Jason 's scene and he wouldn 't go again , not after last time . But Evo looked at him steadily , and he was smiling . Part of Jason wanted to suggest they share a bed at the shelter . Sometimes the shelter people would look the other way but part of the deal with getting a room was to be at least outwardly clean . Evo looked a little on edge , his pupils wide , probably high on something . Jason had learned his lesson in the past ; Evo was an addict and at least two years shy of eighteen . Way too much heat . Guilt flooded him , but he 'd learned he needed to look out for himself if he ever hoped to get off the streets alive . He did that a lot recently , shimmying and shaking his ass , unable to sit still . Jason didn 't know what Evo 's backstory was - well , apart from leaving home at an ungodly age and finding his way to this particular part of the city - but something really bad had driven him out here . Jason had seen the scars on Evo 's back , knew the pain that must have put them there . He sprayed enough to knock a guy unconscious at ten paces . Jason , still waking up , couldn 't even be bothered to chase him . He was still stiff from a night outside on a bench , not to mention the early - morning blowjob and his scalp stinging from the hair pulling . Jason leaned on the sink as the water drained away . One of his tricks had been just a little too handsy last night and decided mid - blowjob that he wanted to add in breath play . Fucker . A ring of bruises marked Jason 's neck . He stared at them , even poked at them , pressing hard until it hurt . When he released the pressure , they disappeared in a bloom of scarlet , then reappeared as his skin settled . At least if he took a couple of days off then the bruises would fade a bit ; he definitely wasn 't offering dying while sucking cock as an option . At all times , Jason was aware of the noises and people around him . A few early commuters were around , but most everyone else were creatures of the night like him . One coffee and a bagel later , he took up residence on the bench outside the bank and waited . The minute it opened , he went into the front of the queue . He carefully completed a blank deposit slip in his neatest handwriting and passed it over . The cashier smiled at him , an honest - to - goodness smile . She counted out the money . A pause followed as she was likely checking it wasn 't fake . Then she ticked it off on the slip , slid the whole lot in a drawer , and printed out the receipt . " Could I have an account statement , please ? " Jason asked politely . He owed himself the Christmas gift of seeing how much he 'd saved . He 'd never asked for one before but it seemed almost like a gift to himself to count the money he 'd saved . He didn 't . Of course , he didn 't . Not real ID , not one for Jason Smith . The bank account was a leftover from his time at the group home , the only thing he had that was anything official , anyway . He stopped just inside the exit door at the cash machine , aware of the security guy following him at a discreet distance , and pushed in his card and entered his PIN . The card was only a month away from needing to be renewed . It was the last thing he had from his home , from that time when he had an address . At some point in the next week , probably by New Year 's , he needed to take out all his money with his card and get the hell out of Dodge . " What ? " He ejected the card and pushed it back in again . Maybe something was wrong ? The same balance showed again , so he clicked on the statement option . And there was only one person who knew he had money saved , and who had stood next to him at the ATM on more than a few occasions . Evo . He recalled Evo standing by his bag this morning looking for deodorant - or was he putting the card back ? How long had he been doing this ? The world fell around him . No wonder Evo had spent the last few months dancing around and living like he had it all . He 'd taken Jason 's money and injected it into his arms , or inhaled it , or given it to clothes stores . He opened the small pocket inside his backpack where he kept the card - and pulled out a loyalty card from Starbucks , the same weight and shape as his bank card . Was that what he 'd been feeling ? Why hadn 't he unzipped the whole thing ? Why hadn 't he checked visually ? With a clenched fist , he punched the wall next to the cash machine and cursed loudly . " Is there a problem , sir ? " The guard looked down at him with no expression on his face . The man had a wide body , a thick neck , and a gun on his hip . Even though Evo had taken every single cent he had , Jason didn 't cry . Evo wasn 't to blame ; he was a kid who didn 't know better , and Jason had been lax . He only had himself to blame . And hell , he didn 't cry when he cradled Evo in his arms ; when the boy who had stolen his money and danced in the bathroom bled out around him . Whoever hired out Jeb and his boys that night had done their best to destroy all the evidence . They 'd left Jeb for dead , used Evo , and cut him . The fatal wound was a slice across his throat that hadn 't been deep enough to kill him outright . Kyle nodded . He wasn 't ready at all . He 'd only just gotten settled into the bunkhouse at the main ranch , and now he was being asked to move . The man asking him , Jack Campbell - Hayes , the owner of the Double D , was looking at him with that expression on his face . The one he used when gentling a horse , all care and calm and irritating peacefulness . At least Jack didn 't look at him with pity ; unlike Jack 's husband Riley , who stared at Kyle like he didn 't know what to say . Kyle hefted his bag onto his shoulders . His entire world was in that bag : clothes , a Kindle and charger that Jack had given him , and a few photos he 'd collected along the way . Nothing permanent , nothing that spoke of family - because he didn 't have one . Nope , the photos he carried were of the horses he 'd loved down the years , starting with Apollo , his first - ever pony when he 'd been a little over five years old , and his mom made him believe that Apollo was his to keep . Movement to his left startled him , but it was only Liam . Liam was a harmless guy , a ranch hand , and he and Kyle had a lot in common . They 'd both worked for the Castille family on the Bar Five . Not once did Liam ever look at Kyle with anger or disgust . Nope , he was the nicest guy Kyle had ever met . Under different circumstances , they might even have been friends . And yes , he couldn 't get over that - he had his own horse . One that they wouldn 't take away . Transferred into his name , and he 'd seen the paperwork . Part of his salary for working at the D , or so Jack had said . And he wasn 't . He was being farmed out to one of Jack 's projects , rebuilding and adding to a crumbling stone house , making it a center for people who needed it : young people without direction , abused or just completely fucked - up like Kyle . A pity project , no doubt , from a man who was as rich as anything Kyle could imagine . Or rather , not Jack - he wasn 't the rich one , that was his husband , Riley , an oilman who seemed to find Kyle fascinating and appeared to want desperately to be Kyle 's friend . Nope . Not happening . Riley was too … everything . Too polished , too clever , too pretty to be real . And there was something about the tall businessman that put Kyle on edge , something to do with the memories of another time that froze hard in his mind . Construction wasn 't his thing . Horses were . But Jack had explained this was going to be Kyle 's project , that he was reporting only to Liam , and then only when he had things he couldn 't handle himself . They reached the new Legacy area . The wooden structure for the accommodation was two arms laid out on either side of the central stone building , in one long rectangle . To the left stood the professionally built horse barn . Liam carried on to the barn , but Jack stopped and touched Kyle briefly on the arm to bring him to a halt . Kyle nodded . He 'd check it all out later when everyone was gone . To be honest , all he wanted to do was to get into a routine . He was building the pods - as they called the accommodation rooms - and he was responsible for a couple of horses : Skeeter and the horse Liam had brought down the grumpy Sundance . Confusion filtered into Jack 's cornflower blue eyes , but he held out a hand and shook firmly . " No need to thank me , " he said a little gruffly . " You 're the best person for the job . " " Thought you were waiting for a call ? " Jack said , and then his eyes widened . " Tell me you didn 't leave Hayley waiting on a million dollar deal phone call . " Kyle nodded . He didn 't talk to Riley . Riley asked him questions , and he was tall and built , and there was something about him that was off . What could a millionaire oilman see in a cowboy like Jack ? Why were they together ? What did Riley want ? He had to want something - that was the only way being in a relationship began , and ended . All Hank had wanted from Kyle was for Kyle to suffer , and to rent him out , and Kyle 's two other hookups after leaving the Bar Five had been nothing more than sex and pain . Kyle had seen Riley and Jack disappear into their barn , and from the teasing comments Liam made , seemed like the barn was some kind of den of sex or something . Kyle didn 't go anywhere near it . Or indeed Jack , or Riley if they were alone . Kyle jumped a little , feeling utterly stupid , and then turned and walked out of the barn and over to the small fenced - in exercise area , untying Skeeter and letting him loose in the space . Riley didn 't try to talk to him again . Well , apart from calling a goodbye as he waited patiently for Jack to join him . " Okay . Well , see you , Kyle , " Jack said . " I 'll be back in a couple of days , but if you need to , you can get me anytime on the cell I gave you . " Kyle couldn 't believe that Liam was even asking that . After a short while , Kyle asked , " You remember Paul ? " Because Liam needed to understand ; he had to . Liam had been at the Bar Five so he 'd seen the kinds of things that happened . Liam closed his eyes and Kyle felt guilty . The last thing he wanted to do was make Liam think back to a time that had to hurt . But Liam had asked , and Kyle wanted to tell him . Kyle squirmed a little . Paul had been the nastiest of Hank 's friends . Money crossed hands for him to be allowed time alone with Kyle . Real money . He 'd turn up in his expensive car , with his fancy suit and this air of expectancy , and Kyle knew he 'd be in for hours where he would lose who he was and became nothing more than sold goods . I could take Paul now . I could punch him out . I don 't want to use violence . But I would hurt Paul before he hurt me again . " Paul hurt me worse than Hank , " he murmured . The words were so soft that part of him hoped Liam hadn 't heard . Clearly he had . " You 'll see , " Liam continued . " He 's just one of those guys who everyone likes when they get to know him . He won 't stop trying until he gets you to smile . He 's tenacious like that . " RJ Scott has been writing since age six when she was made to stay in at lunchtime for an infraction involving cookies and was told to write a story . Two sides of A4 about a trapped princess later , a lover of writing was born . She reads anything from thrillers to sci - fi to horror ; however , her first real love will always be the world of romance . From billionaires , bodyguards and cowboys to SEALs , throwaways and veterinarians , she writes passionate stories with a heart of romance , a troubled road to reach happiness , and more than a hint of happily ever after . What a wonderful post holiday treat ! Saw a post about it on Facebook and immediately went to read it . I absolutely LOVE , LOVE , LOVE Jory and Sam and the entire cast of characters from Mary Calmes ' Matter of Time Universe . I think I love . . . I loved the blend of holiday and paranormal that brought Hearts Alight to life . I don 't know just when I loved such a cynical character such as Dave , his hatred of the commercialism of the holidays has begun to cloud his judgement . It ta . . . What a lovely take on the legend of Krampus ! I 'm not going to say too much about Krampus Hates Christmas but I will say that it is a perfect blend of holiday , paranormal , romance , and just plain fun . I just could not put this down until . . . What do I say about Snow in Montana that could even begin to come close to successfully express how much I loved the latest installment of the Montana series ? It 's RJ Scott ! Okay , maybe I need to say more , lol . Snow might be Ryan and Jor . . . Because Glass Tidings is a holiday story , we all pretty much know where it 's going to end up but sometimes it isn 't about the end but the journey . Which is exactly what Glass is about , the journey for both Gray and Eddie . Gray is a bit o . . . Once again , another new author for me and what a great introduction and I look forward to checking out more . Who doesn 't love an ugly Christmas sweater ? Okay , love might be a bit strong but they are certainly part of the fest . . . If you are looking for something different from the happy , happy holiday reads then Nicolas is the one for you . A delicious blend of good , bad , sexy , torture , mystery , paranormal , and well just about everything in between . I first came a . . . |
Damn it , I really should have seen it coming . You know with a bit of foresight it should have been obvious to me , like two trains racing towards each other on the same track . But maybe I wasn 't looking hard enough ; well , at least I wasn 't thinking things out that well . And I suppose I could use the excuse that one train was hiding in a tunnel . But all the warning signs were there if I 'd only looked hard enough for them . But I was kinda besotted with the girl so when that other train came roaring out of that bleeding tunnel , I just had no idea what was coming . Okay , enough of the bleeding metaphors ; let 's get down to brass tacks . All through my school life they must have been there . Well , they were there but you kinda didn 't notice that there was two of them . Them - that 's it ! They weren 't two people really ; they were a single entity . Mercedes Clough and Porticia Rowan ; two girls , one personality . As I remember , all through school they were referred to as ' the twins ' . They dressed alike and spoke alike . Their hair was styled the same . Shit , they were like a pair of twins , but they were not related . But they might as well have been joined at the hip . Now don 't get the idea that they were stand - offish or anything . Once they were in their teens , they dated boys all the time . The only problem there was that they only double dated . If a guy fancied one of them , he not only had to get her attention ; he had to find a suitable date for the other one . I must admit I liked the look of both of them . But I never did get to know either of them well ; I couldn 't be bothered to play the silly double date game . Shit , a guy would be running around for weeks trying to find the suitable candidate that the girls would find acceptable to make up the foursome . I learnt at a young age that the girls could be bloody choosy when they wanted to be and from what I heard the girls wanted to be . It was probably all a game to them . Anyway , the problem never came up for me really , because when I was sixteen , my old man talked my Uncle Harry into taking me as an apprentice builder . That was my old man all over , " Get yourself an apprenticeship boy ; you 'll have a job for life . " The only problem with that bloody apprenticeship was that I had to go and live with my Uncle Harry and Auntie Mavis in London . Cor London , the big city and bright lights ! Like fuck ! We lived in the suburbs and most of my Uncle Harry 's and my work was out in the suburbs as well . I had one day and one evening a week at a technical college , also in the suburbs . Uncle Harry wanted blood for his money so by the time I got home at night , I was so knackered ; travelling up into town wasn 't an option . Add to that , Uncle Harry was a bleeding workaholic . Hold on , a correction there . He was under the impression I was a bleeding workaholic . He always had little jobs laid on for the weekends . " You missed a day 's work during the week to go to college ; you can make it up on the weekends , boy . " So my planned monthly weekend trips home soon became bi - monthly then tri - monthly . You get the idea ; I got home three times the first year , and besides Christmas once the second year . By the end of the third year my dog had started growling at the stranger when I walked in the door of my parents ' home . And there was a bloody lodger sleeping in my room . I had to share my little brother 's room . Apprenticeship over , I decided I 'd had enough of working for Uncle Harry . I really don 't think he was too pleased when I took my leave . Bollocks to him , the old bugger had got his money 's worth out of me . Work wasn 't a problem either ; I had my papers , and I was soon on the books of one of the local firms . The work was hard , but at least the money was spectacular after what Uncle Harry had been paying me . Builders who really knew what they were doing were not exactly rare , but were a bit thin on the ground back then . Well , young ones were . Before I realised what was happening I was working on a site of about fifty new houses . Once that site was finished , I was offered job by a smaller builder , on a barn conversion . It was a small job , only about six of us on the site and the owner was around most days . The boss pushed the artist 's impression drawing of the finished house at me and said show me . So I roughly sketched in the changes I thought would be improvements . Later that day I was called into the little shed we were using as a site office . There I found the Boss , the owner of the house and the architect . After some strong words were exchanged between the architect and the owner my changes were added to the plan . It was on the day we handed the newly converted house over , that the architect came over to me . " Son , you 're in the wrong business . You should have been a bloody architect or a ruddy designer at least . You 've got an eye for design . " It was in the college library that I first saw her . I 'd just sat down at one of the large tables , to look up some references in a book , when a young lady the other side of the table looked up from the book she was reading and our eyes found each other 's for a brief moment . She gave me a wonderful smile and returned to reading her book . The face was familiar but I couldn 't place it . I kinda sat there confused and stared at her . Well , she was a very good - looking young woman . Some minutes later she looked over at me again . I quickly looked down at the book I was studying . Trying to pretend I hadn 't been staring at her . Out of the corner of my eye , I was aware of her getting up from the table and walking around it until she was standing beside me . Embarrassed that she 'd seen me watching her , I didn 't raise my head and pretended to be lost in the book before me . The young lady reached out and , rotating my book through 180 said , " You 'll find it easier to read , Roger , if it is the right way up ! " " Porticia 's in the States doing an internship . We 're both supposed to be on a gap year from Uni . We got placements together in the states for the year , but mine blew out on me . " Mercedes , or Dee as she had always been known as at school , and I talked for a while until the librarian came over and told us to be quiet . Then we adjourned to the refectory . By the time she had to go to her class we 'd made a date for that evening . Well , kind of . I was driving her home from college in my van that night . As I was doing some private work on the side , I 'd bought myself an old van to carry all my gear around in . I did wonder what her folks thought when my tatty old van with ladders on the top pulled up outside their upmarket house that evening . Dee and I sat in the van for some time ; chatting about school days and the like . In the end I asked her to go out with me the following evening . It could be that I should have picked up something in her reply ; with hindsight I think I should have . I was shown into the lounge where Dee 's mother and her younger sister were sitting , to wait until Dee was ready . Dee 's mother was very pleasant and so was her sister , I remembered Dee 's sister Estelle from school . To be honest I think I got the old swooning looks from her . It struck me that Dee 's father didn 't like me . This is not an uncommon attitude for a father to take ; after all , he was young once and knew how most young guys ' minds worked . Standard fatherly protective behaviour , if you ask me . When Dee entered the room , my jaw dropped . Remember I 'd known Dee since she was a little kid . The day before I was struck by her pleasant face and nice figure . But there was no way that I was prepared for the woman that walked into the lounge that evening . Was it Bobby Vee who sang " Poetry In Motion " ? Well there it was , standing before me ! I think my heart stopped beating for a moment . Well , I definitely remember I found that speech was impossible for quite some time . That evening we went to a local night - spot ; nothing flashy , just a pub that had live music and dance floor ( of sorts ) . Although we did dance a few times , Dee and I spent most of the evening talking . Don 't , for Christ sake , ask me what we talked about , because I haven 't got the slightest recollection . I can just tell you that whenever we got together we were talking most of the time . No matter what the subject we appeared to agree on just about everything . That is except one : Porticia . I had no interest in Porticia at all , although I feigned interest to keep Dee happy . It was clear to me that she had been missing her almost lifelong companion and I suppose it was really understandable . I just wished I 'd understood at the time , that Porticia was the other train I was talking about , hiding in that bloody tunnel . Well , that first date and the little kiss I got at the end of it ; led to a second and third date , following in quick succession . By the end if the month , Mercedes and I had become an item . When we weren 't either at college or working , we were together . Dee joined me in my bed for the first time after we 'd been together about three months . For some reason she couldn 't use the pill so we had to resort to other means of protection against her becoming pregnant . I 've got to say it kind of took the edge off the moment and spoiled the mood a little . Consequently we didn 't get to actual intercourse very often . We found other ways to satisfy our desires . I knew that Dee was writing to and receiving letters from Tish all the time , but I didn 't know the effect they were having on our relationship . Dee 's sexual . . . , damn , how can I put it ? Dee 's sexual preferences and what she wanted or was willing to try out , slowly changed over time . I don 't know why it didn 't strike me as strange at the time . When we first got in bed together in early December , Dee wanted nothing to do with oral sex . But about February time Dee suddenly wanted to try it . For someone who thought giving head was dirty , she soon turned into an enthusiastic expert . And where she had refused to let me go down on her , she was then begging me not to stop . It was just after Easter that she suddenly mentioned anal sex . As I said , we rarely had intercourse , but as we were going through the palaver of putting the rubber on one night she asked me if I would like to take her anal cherry . I 'll be honest - I 'd never even thought about it before , but it was apparent Dee had as she had a tube of lubricant in her bag . She found she enjoyed it and as I can 't say I didn 't , anal intercourse became our norm when we were at my flat . Right after the anal intercourse incident , Dee started talking about getting engaged . No , that 's silly ; we both had been talking about it for some time but it was around that time we started talking seriously about getting engaged and getting married . I brought her a ring in late July and we planned to get married right after she took her finals at university the following summer . Dee 's mother was over the moon at our plans . Her father wasn 't as enthusiastic . I think he thought his daughter could do better than a bloody builder , as I heard him say on more than one occasion when he thought I was out of earshot . Estelle told me straight , she wanted me to drop Dee and marry her instead . It was early August when Porticia returned from the States . She had her American boyfriend in tow and , I 've got to say , I didn 't like the geezer from the start . To my mind , he was everything that I didn 't like in Yanks all rolled into one . He was a brash know - it - all , who was forever bragging about himself and how clever he was . Now don 't get the idea that I don 't like Americans . I 've got some good friends from over the water . There was an American air base near our town and I 'd grown up with a lot of American friends . My first proper girlfriend , that I 'd had whilst still at school , had come from Chicago . No , like all nationalities , amongst them are the ones that give all a bad name . George Greenlake was one of those . Whilst he was in the country , he stayed at Porticia 's parents ' house . Of course there was no way that the Rowan 's were going to let him and Porticia share a bed , as they had apparently been doing whilst Porticia was over there in America . Porticia and George had only been in the country a couple of days and I hadn 't met either of them yet . I came home from work one evening to find Dee sitting in the kitchen of my flat ; she 'd had her own key for some time . There were three coffee cups on the table , which I gave a cursory glance to as I took Dee into me arms and kissed her . I told her I wouldn 't be a couple of minutes changing and then we 'd go out and eat . " Like fuck they are ! " A very apt statement on my part actually . But I 'm one of those people who believe in the old adage ' An Englishman 's home is his Castle ' and in my home the most personal item of furniture is my bleeding bed . This probably goes back to me returning to my parent 's house from Uncle Harry 's and finding a lodger sleeping in my bed . Dee assured me that they didn 't ask her permission to use my / our bed . We were so close by then that everything was referred to as ours . From the way George and Porticia behaved I 've always believed Dee on that one . They acted as if they were the most important people in the world . Whilst George was in the country , the four of us hung around together , although Porticia borrowed her father 's car most of the time as there were only three seats in the front of my van . Not that Porticia wanted to lower herself to ride in it anyway . I steadfastly refused to ride in Porticia 's father 's car , because once they were away from her house , George was doing the driving . Dee always rode with me . I 've got to say , that it was with some sick amusement that I watched him drive out of a pub car park one evening , straight into the front of a bus . I was sounding my horn and I think that was why the bus driver managed to bring the bus to a standstill before George drove into it . So there wasn 't too much damage . George had tried to drive along the wrong side of the road , a common mistake for foreigners to make . As I had surmised , George was not insured to drive the car and wasn 't in possession of an international licence , although the police appeared happy to accept his American licence . Once Porticia 's father arrived at the scene I took Dee home . I don 't know what ramifications there were to the incident . George flew home the following weekend . September was on us before we really knew what was happening . Suddenly my tatty old van took on a new significance . Both Tish and Dee had to get all of their gear to the flat they were sharing at Uni . Suddenly Porticia was quite happy to travel in my van once all her junk was staked in the back along with Dee 's . All too soon the girls were gone . Not that I cared a toss about Tish being away again , but I was soon missing Dee . Hey , I wasn 't the only one missing her . In all the time we 'd been going out together , I 'd been invited to Dee 's house for a meal once . And I really think that was only because I needed to ask her father for her hand in marriage officially . The week after the girls ' left , Dee 's mother called me and invited me to Sunday lunch . As I 've said , I appeared to get on just fine with Dee 's mother and her sister who was still following me around like a puppy . Now Dee 's father started calling me son and even asked me to join him in a round of golf , not one of my sports . But I could see I was going to have to take it up after Dee and I were married . Got to keep the in - laws happy . Once a month I drove up to spend the weekend with Dee . Although that wasn 't how it usually worked out . Most of the time Tish was with us , and her main topic of conversation was George and how she was going back to the States to marry him when she had her degree . Tish also had the infuriating habit of coming home with Dee as well . She slept at her parents ' house but appeared to spend most of her time at Dee 's parents ' place . Well , let 's be precise ; she spent most of her time wherever Dee was . That included the little time Dee spent at my flat . By the time Christmas came around , plans for our marriage were in full swing . Um , let 's be fair ; Dee 's mother was just about organising everything , along with Estelle that is . I think Dee and I were just agreeing to everything that they wanted to do . Hey , I wasn 't paying . It was Dee 's old man who was footing the bill . I suppose he wasn 't a bad old stick really . As far as Estelle was concerned , this marriage was only a rehearsal for what she termed as " The big one ! " Frank would look at me and raise his eyebrows when she said that . Well , everything was going along just great until just after Easter when Porticia got the bleeding " Dear Jane " letter . You know what I mean ; George dumped her for some other girl . I told you he was a bastard . Porticia wasn 't my favourite person but I saw that letter . He was an insensitive arsehole or asshole as they say over there . It was a few weeks later that Dee first said she wanted to put back the wedding . Porticia was originally getting married a couple of weeks before us . Now Dee wanted to put our wedding back a month or so because Tish was upset . The girls graduated and moved back home ( my van again ) . They both got jobs pretty quickly . Nothing special in local banks - oh , different banks . I was of course still juggling college and work ; although I was working on my own a lot more . I even had a couple of blokes working for me on occasion . I would generally see Dee most days to start with , but as time went on she took to going out with Tish first one night a week and then two . Then suddenly she stopped meeting me after my night classes . So now she was with Tish three nights a week . Not that anything untoward was going on . I was too well known in town for anyone to get clever with my girl and that was what Dee was known as by then . Okay , the month or so the wedding was put back , became until after Christmas . As Christmas approached Dee wanted to put it back further until Easter . Now up until that point I 'd been patient , I realised that Tish was her friend , but it seemed to me that we were going to have to wait until Tish found herself another mug , before Dee was going to walk up the aisle with me . It all came to a head in early December . I arrived at Dee 's house to pick her up around seven thirty . Dee and Tish were car sharing , going to work . That night neither had come home yet . Dee hadn 't called me to put me off and neither had called home to tell their parents of any change of plan . I was not a happy bunny and went looking for Dee 's car . It wasn 't hard to find , as our town isn 't very big . I found it in the car park of one of the pubs on the outskirts of town . Inside I discovered Dee and Tish sitting there with some Prat . They were so enthralled with the line of shit he was throwing Tish , that they didn 't notice me enter . I brought a drink and positioned myself on the other side of the room . I sat watching as a meal arrived for them and they all sat and ate it . I did note that Dee was drinking only non - alcoholic drinks . It was gone nine before they got up to leave . Both girls were apparently still enthralled with everything that came out of the arsehole 's mouth . Jesus , talk about a line of bullshit . SAS , my arse ; the Wanker wouldn 't know one end of a gun from the other . They must have got right out to her car before Dee spotted my van parked alongside it . She came dashing back in and looked around for me . I was at that time in conversation with a couple of guys I knew . Slowly I looked up at her . " Since about eight o ' clock . My fiancée stood me up this evening , so I thought I 'd have a quiet drink by myself . " " Oh , I did , don 't you worry . But you didn 't really want me along , did you ? If you had , you would have called and invited me to join the party , wouldn 't you ? What was it ? Does the flash little Git fancy a threesome , or something ? " " Well , I forgot to tell you I was here , okay ? Now you 'd better drive your friend 's home ; they appear to be waiting for you . And make sure you drop the arsehole off first , I wouldn 't trust that little bullshitter as far as I could throw him . " The pantomime began . Yes , I was childishly taking my frustrations out on the little Prat , but he really should have kept his bleeding mouth shut . If he had , he could well have got out of it with some dignity . Anyway he had been telling the girls how much of a tough guy he was all bleeding night . Anyone in the SAS can handle themselves , even the bloody pen pushers . Once we took the argument out in the car park and there wasn 't an audience anymore , he wasn 't so brave . As a matter of fact , he did a runner , after trying to slam the pub 's door in my face . The automatic gas closer prevented that . " I didn 't do anything , Dee . The little tosspot talked himself into a corner and then into a fight that he didn 't hang around to have . All I did was to get stood up by my fiancée and went out for a quiet drink to drown my sorrows . Good night ! " I returned to the bar to finish my pint . Dee came back inside for no more than a minute of so . She and Tish had a whispered conversation and then they left . Well , the train was blowing its bloody whistle as it came roaring out of that bleeding tunnel " Everything . If Porticia weren 't around , we 'd be married by now . But for some reason you 've decided not to marry me until Tish finds some mug to marry her . Well , I 'm not waiting anymore . The wedding goes off in February or there 's not going to be a wedding . Secondly you will see Porticia just two nights a week from now on . The two evenings that I 'm at college . " " Oh , but I can . I 'm supposed to be the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with . But you worry more about Tish than you do about me . Now I suggest you go home and think about what you really want . You can bring me my answer tomorrow night . I 'll be here until . . . shall we say nine o ' clock ? " " But Tish and I are going to that rock concert tomorrow night . Its Porticia 's favourite group . She 'll be really upset to miss them , and I know she won 't go alone . I won 't have time to come here before we go . " " Then I have my answer already . It 's your choice , Dee , Porticia or me . Think about it if you will . If you 're not here tomorrow evening before nine , everything 's off . You can either keep or sell the ring . I wouldn 't want it in my flat ; it would have too many bad memories . " Dee tried to talk me around but I refused to listen to her . To be honest I was tired of being a fish on the line . Either we got married or I would have to cut my losses . As I expected , Dee tried to circumvent things . My phone was ringing when I got home from work . Caller ID told me it was from Dee 's house . I ignored it . It rang at regular intervals until six when she was due to leave for the concert . Ten - past - six it rang again , the caller ID told me it was from Porticia 's parent 's house . The phone rang a couple more times a little later , I assume from call boxes as the ID was withheld . Call boxes in the local theatre are set up like that . At nine I left the flat and went over to a friend 's flat from where I could watch mine . Brian 's a nice old boy who had really become like a surrogate father to me . I 'm afraid that letting my bedroom to a lodger without even asking or telling me first had almost completely destroyed my relationship with my father and family . It was gone twelve when Dee 's car pulled into the car park . Dee got out , followed by Tish and the little shit from the previous evening . Dee went up to my flat , which was all in darkness ; the other two waited by the car . She let herself in and I watched lights going on and off as she searched the flat for me . Dee went back down to her car , where she talked with the other two for a while . Then Tish and the guy got into Dee 's car and drove off ; Dee then returned to the flat . I made myself comfortable on Brian 's sofa . He did suggest I go home and talk it out with Dee , but I figured she 'd made her decision at six o ' clock . I wasn 't prepared to play second fiddle to Porticia in Dee 's affections , no matter what it cost me . Brian could see the car park from his bedroom and he came out to tell me that Dee 's car had returned about half an hour later . I went back into his kitchen and watched Tish go up and into the flat . Dee obviously wanted some moral support . By eight thirty in the morning , neither girl had left the flat . Actually I 'd painted myself into a bit of a corner . There was no way I could get out of Brian 's flat without them seeing me . Now I know I was playing silly games , but I wanted them to be wondering where I was . It was obvious that neither girl was going to work that day ; they were planning on waiting me out , after all I 'd have to put an appearance in to get my van , well , that 's how I think their minds were working . The masterstroke I came up with to get past that one was to call a guy who was working for me . I had him come round and drive my van to the site where we were supposed to be working that day . It worked like a dream ; it was only when the old van 's engine started that the girls realised what was going on . They came running down the stairs and jumped into Dee 's car then set off in hot pursuit of the van . I suppose they thought I was driving it . I went down and got into my car . Now that was something they didn 't know about . I 'd finally bought the car that Dee and I were supposed to be going on honeymoon in . I drove it over to the house I 'd bought , another secret from Dee . This was the house I thought we were going to start our married life in . At that moment in time , it looked like a building site , as the guys hadn 't finished yet . Well , I 'd kept putting the date back every time the wedding date went back . There wasn 't much to finish so I got stuck in there for the day and slept there that night . The following day was a college day for me and I couldn 't miss it . Although the building work was coming along just great and I was earning extremely well , I still had designs on becoming an architect . Having the car that Dee didn 't know about was my saving grace that day ; several times I spotted both girls around the college but they didn 't see me or even know I was there . I 've got to say that at this juncture , if Dee had been alone I most probably would have spoken to her . Possibly we could have sorted things out , but I somehow doubt it . Porticia 's presence prevented me from going to Dee . " No , Dee ! You 're the one who 's acting strange . I told you , last night was your chance to decide whom you wanted to be with , Porticia or me . You chose Porticia . It 's over between us . There 's nothing left to say . " " Why not ? She left you on your own when she went to the States , didn 't she ? Do you think she cared about you , when she was planning to marry that Wanker she met over there ? Dee , I 'm not playing second fiddle to Porticia for the rest of my life . Its over , the engagement is off , the wedding is off and you are out of my life . Goodbye and please leave that flat tidy ; I don 't live there anymore as you 've no doubt noticed by now . " " In the house I had bought for your wedding present . But you chose not to live here with me . Good bye , Dee . I hope you find what you are looking for . " It was the following evening that Dee 's father and mother paid me a call . Of course they knew about the house . I discussed almost everything with them . In my opinion , my relationship with Dee 's father had always been tenuous to say the least . So I thought that telling them about the house was a wise thing to do . They had kept my secrets from Dee . Both the car and the house were supposed to have been my wedding surprises for her . I was surprised that they actually understood my position . It became apparent to me that , although I didn 't think I would have been Dee 's father 's first choice for a son - in - law , they actually hoped that Dee 's affection for me would separate her from Porticia . As it turned out , that didn 't happen . It was a very sad parting that evening and they wished me the best . I gather they never told Dee they knew about the house , where it was , or that they had come to see me . They told me straight out that they felt that they wouldn 't ask me to change my mind and take Dee back . They had hoped Dee 's love for me would break the hold Porticia seemed to have over her . But now they had come to believe Dee would always be under Porticia 's influence . I also gathered she was still telling people that we were engaged . There she ran into a problem ; I had moved on with my life , or to put it more truthfully I was trying to move on and I was not finding it easy . I had started dating other girls , more than anything to try and take my mind off of Dee . I must add not very successfully . However one of the girls I had gone out with , who apparently had designs on making it a permanent arrangement , just happened to overhear Dee tell someone else that we were still engaged . From what I heard , that encounter apparently resulted in a real cat - fight . But after that I never heard any more reports of Dee claiming we were still engaged . |
I was glad when the shopping was over , and we could go back to Lis and Nico 's and have some pizza before we got in the car . Looking out for Dec had made me tired , and I hadn 't seen him anywhere . Mum had bought me a big fire engine that had blue flashing lights and real siren noises , and the ladder and the hose really worked , and I was looking forward to getting home so I could show Uncle Matty and play with it properly . I stood smiling at the view from the window , soaking it all up . This place , this beautiful place , felt more like my home than anywhere . And I still belonged . I hadn 't really appreciated how much I had missed being a proper part of it , or how much I had been dreading being separated from it . I was now full of energy and hopped from foot to foot . Remembered some of what Don had said about eating and drinking - there was a vending machine in the corridor so I bought a sports drink and a grain bar . Tried not to drop crumbs on the swanky chairs . My phone buzzed in my pocket ; it had been on silent . I needed to phone Rose . She would be worrying all day if I didn 't let her know . I was just scrolling through my contacts when there was a knock at the door . Stuart came in , smiled . I hurriedly put my phone back in my pocket . ^ We could see that . I 'm sorry this has been such a stressful time for you . Hopefully things will get better for you now . Are you up to this meeting ? ' I 'll give it a go . Am I going to have to say much ? ' ^ OK , best get going . ' Stuart , I can 't remember much of what I said before . Probably most of it didn 't make much sense . But thank you for this . I can 't believe it . ' ^ You played a huge part in this decision . It wasn 't taken lightly . Lots of people had lots of opinions , but your actions spoke very well for you . Be proud of yourself . Go on , get to your meeting . The meeting about the press conference mainly focussed on what information Don wanted to give out and what he wanted to avoid giving out . Don wanted it to be clear that although I was remaining at the club , I was still being sanctioned by way of suspension for the part I had played in Raiders being docked ten points . - People need someone to blame , someone to be getting punished . Declan , you 're our fall guy . We need to highlight how unhappy we are with how you handled things , so people don 't complain about you getting off lightly . I want you to be contrite and apologetic . Don didn 't want to discuss in detail the terms of my suspension , or how individual team members had reacted to the yesterday 's events . He wanted to highlight any positive consequences , like coaching the youth team and linking with Trojans , who were a Championship side in the next county . We discussed ways of deflecting unwanted questions and answering them with something we wanted to say . We went over and over the strategies . This was just as well , as I needed to focus . My mood had flipped from devastation to delight in a very short space of time , and everything felt scrambled . Adrian typed up a list for me , so I could review it while the game was on . I was going to have to sit it out until after the match in an unused office . It was nowhere near as plush as the hospitality suite , and had no windows , but there was a TV where I could watch the game . It would be the first time I had watched any rugby for weeks - I hadn 't been able to face it on TV , and had not been allowed at the ground on match days . I hadn 't even been keeping up with scores and league positions until the last couple of days , when I needed to know how the points deductions were going to affect everything . Now I had been let back in , I was really excited to be a part of it all again . - OK , then , I 've got the pre - match to attend to now . Declan , make yourself scarce . Change into your kit before the press conference . We 'll come and get you . It 'll be shortly after the game finishes . See you then . I sat in the office for a long time waiting for the game to start . The catering staff had provided lunch , the same as the players were having together pre - match . Full of protein and energy . I was really hungry and ate it all . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd had much of an appetite . Couldn 't believe how much difference this morning had made to how I felt . I had been under this cloud for weeks and now it was suddenly lifted . I felt lighter , straighter , less substantial , as if I could float away . There wasn 't much to do in the office , and I should have been bored to tears , but I still had a lot of information and emotion to process . While I tried to get my head around things , I turned the TV on , flicking through the channels , looking for the sports channel where the Raiders game was being shown . There was a rugby preview programme on , so I stopped to watch that for a bit . They mentioned today 's game , the points deduction and how it affected league positions . Yesterday , I wouldn 't have been able to watch it ; today , I sat through it . Uncomfortable viewing but bearable . I was amazed at the change in me . I took my phone out - I needed to tell Rose . I had turned the ringer off by mistake when I put it back in my pocket and I had missed a couple of calls from her . Listened to the voice - mails : : Alright love , it 's only Rose . Just seeing if there 's any news yet . Don 't worry about ringing back , unless you want to . : Alright love , it 's only Rose . Just checking up on you . I 've got to go to work this afternoon , but I 'll call you again when I get home . I 'll be out later , have my phone off I expect . Hope everything 's alright , love . The afternoon 's build up to the game passed slowly . I imagined the gradually increasing crowd - people who liked to get there early , have a few beers , chat with their mates , get their favourite spot on the terraces , people who maybe had seated tickets who didn 't need to get there so early , all the kids getting excited , Raiders shirts , Raiders hats , Raiders flags , noise , activity , excitement . Being stuck down here was weird ; I could sense the atmosphere that would be mounting beyond the room I was in . The team would already be there , having a final team talk and any last minute physio or other treatment . They would be able to hear the crowd from the changing rooms , gradually getting louder until just before kick - off when it would reach a crescendo and the stadium announcer would whip them all up with a cheering contest . They were the best supporters , made a lot of noise , followed the team around all over the country and all over Europe . I had really let them down . It was time I repaid them however I could . Finally it was kick - off time . I had sat through almost an hour of speculation pre - match on the sports channel , realising how little the pundits actually knew , and how much they could spin out the smallest piece of incorrect information . According to them , I was born in Australia , moved to England to join Raiders and had played for Australia under sixteens . They also said the discrepancy in my passport had been found in a routine check . They 'd either got their facts completely wrong , or made it up , or it was misinformation given out by Raiders ' media office . And then it was game time . I muted the sound on the TV for a few moments , and could hear the crowd beyond the room . It sent a tingle down my spine . They seemed to be getting behind the team even more following yesterday 's setback . I settled down to watch the team - my team . Raiders won convincingly . Nico scored two tries . They played superbly - moves flowing , passes connecting , running , rucking , scrumming , tackling , everything was clicking . It was just the response Don would have wanted . Now the game was over , it was time for a few interviews with key players and the coaches , and then it would be the press conference . My phone buzzed . A text I was more than a little touched . DivDav had given me a hard time when I was first suspended . But since paying him back the money I had borrowed , he had been more friendly . I hoped this might be another step towards healing my broken friendships . I had just changed into my Raiders gear when a knock on the door signalled my call to the press conference . My heart beat faster as I made my way to the media room , which had been set up with microphones on a table in front of some chairs where the journalists were already sitting . More journalists than I had imagined ; it was a bit intimidating . Don led the way to the table and we both sat down behind the mics . Adrian stood , directing which journalists should ask a question . They started with the match , and Don answered the questions with his usual steady diplomacy , praising the team and the result and complimenting the opposition . They quickly moved on to the points deduction , and Don fielded all their questions with ease . He was very used to this . They addressed me a few times , asking about my suspension and how I felt about yesterday 's decision . I followed the strategy we had worked out , and seemed to get away with it . Don made a big deal out of me coaching the youth team and registering with Trojans . That seemed to go down well . There were some more testing questions . ' I 'm not proud of my actions then . It didn 't reflect well on me or Raiders , and I have given the club an assurance that it won 't happen again . The reputation of Raiders is very important to me , and I will do everything I can to ensure I don 't tarnish it again . ' This one threw me - I sat with my mouth open . Quitting rugby ? I had not heard that version . Don took one look at my shocked expression and jumped in . And finally it was over . - Well done , Declan . Thank you for that , I 'm glad to see you 've regained your powers of concentration . Why don 't you go and join the players in the bar ? Almost on a cloud , I walked to the main bar , where players met with supporters and sometimes opposing players after the game . I could not have imagined this outcome to the day while I was preparing for it this morning . It was difficult to even remember clearly how I had felt when I woke up that morning - it seemed like a different life , or a long time ago . I had been in a dark place , and now it seemed like I 'd been given a light . Despite my happiness , I was apprehensive about going into the bar ; Nico and Big aside , I hadn 't socialised with anyone for a long time . There would be loads of people there , whose reactions I couldn 't predict , and it could be uncomfortable . I also hadn 't drunk any alcohol since my vodka bender . Might be better to give the beer a miss tonight , especially as Don hadn 't said it was OK . I slipped through the door into the bar . I felt like there was a bright spotlight shining on me , but in reality I was just another bloke walking into a bar . No one noticed . I was immediately aware of the less than celebratory mood , despite the win , and had to adjust mine to compensate . No one was going to be cheering my news , and I needed to show everyone I knew what I had cost Raiders . I realised with renewed respect for his people management why Don had suggested I come here . He led me over to the bar , where there was a group of players and supporters watching a replay of the afternoon 's game on a large TV screen . It appeared to be about half way through the second half . Nico didn 't make a big fuss , just handed me a bottle of water . The replay of the match over , the pundits returned to the theme of the points deduction and what it would mean for Raiders . More glances slid my way . I started to feel very uncomfortable , but didn 't know what to do ; whether to say something now , or wait to be confronted . I was saved by the press conference . They showed some of it on the programme , some clips of me being apologetic and contrite , and some bits of Don outlining how I was going to help Raiders out while I remained suspended . When the programme had finished , the man standing next to me , a supporter , turned to me and said : * Fair play to you son , you 've owned up to it and taken the punishment . Losing so many points is a bit of a bugger , but not much anyone can do about it now . Just have to get on with it . Best of luck . He held out his hand , and I shook it gratefully . A few people seemed to relax at this . Not everyone was so generous . I noticed several people directing dark looks at me , although Big came over , gave my shoulder a squeeze . ° Yeah , he didn 't get his contract extended . Found out yesterday . And Amy dumped him last week . He 's being a bit of a dick about it . Still , maybe he 's feeling better . Get together later this week then ? We got in the car to go back , and then Dad remembered he had to go to his old work to pick something up , so we stopped off at Raiders Stadium . I 'd been here lots of times to Dad 's work , where he had an office that smelt like sweaty people , but I had never seen a rugby game . I liked football , and although Dad and I watched rugby on TV sometimes , I didn 't understand the rules at all , and it just seemed silly to pick the ball up and run , rather than kicking it to each other . My phone buzzed in my pocket . Glanced at the screen . Rose . Shit . I was going to have to ring her , she 'd be worried out of her mind . Couldn 't do it here though . Looked at the time . Nearly seven . Time to go and meet DivDav . I 'd ring Rose back when I got outside . I walked out into the dark car park , looking for DivDav . I couldn 't see his car over the far side , but began to walk over that way as I got my phone out to call Rose . Dreaming . Not flying . Playing . Running on the pitch , muscles stretching , catching , tackle after tackle , passing , scoring , happy . Cal Must still be dreaming . Why is my bed so hard ? Why does everything hurt so much ? Why is Jay shouting ? łJesus . Shit . Jesus . Cal ' Ambulance … Raiders Stadium car park … my husband has just found a man covered in blood lying on the ground … I don 't know , I 'll ask . ' She shouted to Dad . ' James , is he breathing ? ' Not dreaming , then . Lots of pain . Loads of it , crashing around , banging into every bit of me . Vaguely remembered a lot of banging and crashing . Tried to stop remembering and carry on dreaming . Jay carried on shouting . Mum knew that if she went over to where Dad was , I 'd follow her , so she was stuck at the car with me while Dad waited for the ambulance . We both looked out of the window at Dad as he knelt down , although we couldn 't see the man . Mum kept tutting and looking at her watch , and I watched the entrance into the car park to see the blue lights when the ambulance came . It came very quickly , and we watched as the ambulance people put the man on a stretcher and then into the back of the ambulance . I couldn 't really see the man , because it was dark , and he was wrapped up in a blanket , which was disappointing , but I hoped Dad would tell us all about it . Some police cars had come too , and policemen were talking to Dad . I saw him running his hand through his hair a few times , and shaking his head , then looking up at the lit up rooms and nodding . Then , finally , he came back to the car so we could find out what had happened . Dad pointed to one of the policemen , and Mum walked quickly over to him . Dad opened the back door of the car for me and I got out , and we stood and looked at Mum arguing with the policeman . Mum was good at arguing , and usually won , like in cafes when the cake was dry , or taking clothes back to shops , but she didn 't win against the policeman , although she seemed to be trying her very best . She walked slowly back to us , looking really cross . ' I 'll call the agency , see if they 've got anyone short notice . You 're right , Mum can 't do it , but they might have someone . Come on , we can wait inside , they 've taken over one of the corporate suites as an incident room . ' Dad got his phone out and started talking about Uncle Matty as we walked across the car park and into the Stadium . We went up some stairs , and then found ourselves in a room with a window overlooking the pitch , although I couldn 't see much because the floodlights weren 't on . There were two policemen , who were using computers , but they didn 't take much notice of us , even though Mum said who we were . We sat on a sofa , and Dad went to get us drinks and crisps from the bar . He was gone a long time , and Mum looked at her watch a few more times . She got her phone out and talked to Granny , but didn 't say anything different from the things Dad had said to her when he told her about the person who was coming to put Uncle Matty to bed . Dad came back after a while and gave me a can of Fanta , and Mum a glass of wine . ' Sorry , I got held up in the bar , everyone wanted to talk to me , I was trying not to make a drama of it . Do we know when they 're going to talk to us here ? ' ' Mrs Scott . Thank you for staying . We just want to ask a few questions , as you found the victim . I 'm Detective Constable Simmonds . ' There was a lot of talking about all the things I already knew , about how Dad found the man , and Mum called the ambulance , and why we were in the car park , and lots of things that weren 't very interesting . I started to feel sleepy , and snuggled in to Mum , who put her arm round me . I was half asleep , not really listening to the grown up voices talking , but in that weird half - dreaming way , I seemed to suddenly be listening , as if part of me knew that I needed to be paying attention before I knew what was being said . There was a long silence . I sat up and looked at Dad , who was looking at the policeman , with his mouth open . I wasn 't quite sure , but I thought the policeman was saying that Dec was the person who Dad had found on the ground in the car park . But surely Dad would have known it was Dec ? He was only not talking to him , he wasn 't not seeing him . ' Shit . I don 't know , he was , his face was - bloody hell Beth , no one could have recognised him . ' Dad turned to the policeman . ' Are you for real ? That bloke , the one with his face mashed in , was Declan Summers ? ' Mum and Dad sat very still . Mum 's arm was round me , but I saw her other hand holding Dad 's hand tightly . They didn 't say anything for a few seconds , then Mum kind of shook herself . Mum let out a deep sigh . ' Dec lived with us , like part of our family . He doesn 't have anyone else . I suppose you could say we 're the only family he 's got . James , we need to go and see him . ' She looked at the policeman . ' Will they let us see him ? ' ' He doesn 't have family , not blood relatives . His parents died when he was thirteen , he was in care before he came to us . He 's going to be there on his own . ' Mum looked at Dad , and gave him half a smile , but also looked like she was going to cry . ' Really ? You don 't mind going ? ' ' Sweetheart , Dec has been badly hurt . We don 't know how he is , yet . I don 't know if you can see him . ' And so I was allowed to go with them to the hospital . I had to wait for a long time with Dad while Mum talked to people about how Dec was and whether we could see him . I wasn 't sure how to feel , because it sounded like Dec was more hurt than just needing a plaster , and I couldn 't imagine what that really meant . But I just felt that now , all of a sudden , the thing that had been there that had made Dad get that cross , tight look on his face had gone - in fact it had been gone since this morning , and I wanted to see Dec and talk to him . And I was a bit fascinated with the promise of all the blood as well . ' After his scan . They 're admitting him , but he 'll be sedated , he 'll be out of it for several hours . They don 't expect him to wake up until tomorrow . ' ' I know . I had a look to see who 's on the ward he 's going to , and I know the Nurse in Charge . I 'm pretty sure I can talk us in there , but maybe I should take Cal to Lis 's first . ' ' I shouldn 't think it 'll be any worse than imagining it . I know I 'm imagining some pretty horrific things , and I saw him at the time . He 'll have been cleaned up , won 't he ? ' ' Yes , but still … oh I suppose you 're right . OK , Cal , you can stay with us for a little while , but you have to promise to be quiet and still , and when we say it 's time to go , no arguing . Otherwise I 'll take you straight back to Lis and she 'll put you to bed . ' I started practising being quiet and still right away , so they could see how good I was at it , and didn 't feel the need to take me back to Nico 's house . Another benefit of this was they forgot to talk quietly , and I found out more things , like that Dec had been hit by someone , with a bottle , and he had got glass in his cuts , and then he had fallen on the ground , and someone had kicked him . It hurts when someone kicks you , because Jake and me kicked each other once at break - time , just to see , and we both got bruises . I wondered if Dec would have bruises on his shins , like me and Jake . A little while later , a nurse came to get us , and said that Dec was in a bed , and that we could sit with him if we wanted to . Mum stood up and said she would go and have a look , and decide if I could go too . I went and sat next to Dad , who put his arm round me . ' I know , mate . But he might be a bit too gruesome just now , maybe a bit too poorly . Mummy will know if it 's OK . ' ' Yeah I know , mate . There are a few girls who might disagree with you as far as Dec 's concerned , but I know what you mean . I meant that … Cal , Dec 's not just had an accident , he 's … he 's been hit , by a bad man who wanted to hurt him , and did a good job of it . ' ' Er … Jesus , Cal . I don 't know . We 'll have to wait and see what Dec remembers if … er … when he wakes up . ' I was quiet for a while , trying to remember all the things I 'd wanted to tell Dec but couldn 't before , like my new school , my rabbit and the gap where my tooth came out . Then Mum came back and stood in the doorway . Dad looked up . ' Hey , hey , shh , it 's OK , we 're here now . What about Cal ? He 's really keen to see him . I 've told him Dec 's been hit by a bad man . He asked if he looks like something out of Monsters Inc . ' ' So , are we all going then ? ' ' Yeah , I think so . Cal , remember , quiet and still . Dec 's not the only poorly person here . And we 're not going to stay long . ' Mum led us over to one of the curtains and pulled it aside . There was a bed and two chairs and a table with a jug of water on it . In the bed was a man . Well , in the bed was Dec , but he didn 't look like Dec , at least not at first , or even second , glance . I had to go up really close to him to find anything that let me know he really was Dec . He was lying very still , on his back , and he had a big cast on one of his arms from his shoulder to his fingers . I knew it was a cast because Sophie Evans had one last year when she fell out of the tree , but it wasn 't as big as this cast . His other arm had bandages on it . There was also a big thing on his nose that covered a lot of his face . The rest of him , or what I could see , was coloured black and purple , and was either swollen or had lines of what looked like tiny railway track along it . I wanted to ask what it was , but I had to be quiet and still , so I just looked . His eyes were puffed shut , and his mouth looked too big for his face . He still didn 't look like Dec , and I wondered how they knew it was , so I turned and looked at Mum and Dad to see how they knew , but Dad was staring with a kind of surprised and scared look on his face , and Mum looked like she was trying not to cry again , and I knew that it was Dec , because they knew it was . I nodded . I still couldn 't quite see Dec in the battered features of the man on the bed , but I didn 't feel sad or scared or any of the things Mum seemed to think I was going to feel . There were lots of things to look at , all over the place ; on the way in , I had seen other people 's beds with cards all round them , and some people with TVs . Dec didn 't have a TV , or any cards , although he did have a tall pole with a bag of water on it that seemed to go into his arm . I supposed that if he was asleep , he couldn 't drink water , but it would have made more sense for the water to go into his mouth rather than his arm . Then I remembered Uncle Matty having a bag like this when he was first in hospital , before he woke up , and Mum telling me it was a way to give people food and medicine if they were too asleep to eat or take tablets . ' Yeah , the same as you always think . Oh alright . I 'll go and see what they 've got . Would you like something to drink , Cal ? ' Mum was gone for a long time , and Dad closed his eyes and then fell asleep in the chair . I wasn 't tired , not even a bit , and now Dad was asleep , I knew I was the one who had to watch out for Dec waking up . I stared hard at him , and watched for signs of movement . Dec What ? How ? Where ? Too many thoughts . Tried a smile . Bad idea . Mouth too big . Lips stuck together . Pain . Groaned . Tried to open my eyes . Eyelids too big . Stuck together . Pain . Brief tiny glimpse of the ceiling . Shouldn 't I be worried about all this ? Too much to think about , let it go . Groaned . He was close to me , I could feel his breath on my cheek . I tried to turn towards him , to see if it really was Cal . No good . Groaned . łCal ! Come here . What did we say ? You can stay if you 're quiet and still . Otherwise Mummy will take you back to Lis 's . Dec , can you hear me ? It was them , I was sure . How were they here ? How the glorious fuck were they here ? I didn 't even know where here was . łAh mate , you 're in hospital . How are you feeling ? Sorry , bloody stupid question , considering the state of you . Do you know what happened ? łYou 've had a bit of a bashing . We found you in the car park , blood and glass everywhere . The police want to talk to you - can you manage that ? Beth was here too . They were all here . Couldn 't smile , mouth wouldn 't work , but felt a huge smile spreading somewhere inside me . _ Oh , Dec , sweetheart … Felt a hand on my cheek . Tried not to wince . Tried not to groan . Tried not to cry . Failed . Started to drift in and out . Things put in my mouth . Things wiped on my face . Things poked here and there . People said my name , lots of people . When I woke up it was dark , and I could hear Mum talking . Jay and Beth must have come back while I was asleep ; it was only a matter of time before Jay came in and the humiliations could start again . I was going to ask him if I could have Sally instead , at least in the mornings . It would be a relief to both of us . ' Matthew , that was Jameson on the phone . ' On the phone ? Where was he then ? Oh fuck , they hadn 't been in an accident had they ? A sudden unwanted image of twisted metal and spatters of blood forced its way into my head , because ever since I got a cold and nearly died , I had a tendency to over - dramatise . ' They 're going to have to stay down in Devon overnight . There 's been a … well , that boy Declan 's got himself put in hospital , some sort of fight , he 's in a bad way , and Jameson says he needs to stay there until he wakes up . He 's arranged another carer for tonight , and said he 'll be here in plenty of time for you tomorrow . ' ' Ohkay . ' Mum seemed to breathe her own sigh of relief , happy I wasn 't kicking up a stink , as was my wont now I was feeling brighter and getting more bolshy about things . ' Thoht he wahn 't tahking tuh Dec . ' ' Pihs ohf Muhm . ' I never swore at Mum . I swore near her a lot , but never at her . It had the desired effect , as she got up without another word and walked to the door . Then she turned in the doorway . I sulked my way through efficient Ian 's clammy hands and non - existent banter . He tried talking about the weather , the traffic and the plans for the new leisure centre , but as all of these things were happening outside of my life and were being talked about by him , I had no interest . His fascinating topics of conversation dried up in the face of my lack of replying and he just got on with his job , only checking with me occasionally about which pyjamas I wore and where I wanted my drink left . I just about deigned to answer him , then closed my eyes as soon as he put me back into bed . He could assume I was asleep if he wanted to . I soon drifted off anyway , and didn 't hear him leave . Dec didn 't say any more , even ' nnn ' , and nurses started coming over and we kept having to go back to the family room while the nurses did things . Mum showed me two cards she 'd bought , one with a dinosaur on it , and one with a flower on it . Of course I chose the dinosaur , and wrote in it with my best writing . She 'd also bought a Mars Bar , which I ate , and some flowers for Dec , although I thought he 'd probably rather have the Mars Bar . But I wasn 't going to say so . After two times of going backwards and forwards between Dec 's bed and the family room , Mum decided she was going to take me back to go to sleep while Dad stayed . ' I think he 's going to be OK , James , at least , you know , in general . You don 't need to stay . ' ' Yeah , I know what they told me last night , but it 's more than that . If he 's awake at all , I … I just want to see how he is . Not how he is like his bangs and scrapes ; how he is with us . ' I listened to all this without understanding much of it . I thought , maybe , from how they were talking about Dec , that they might have stopped being cross about him stealing and lying . But you could never tell with grown - ups ; sometimes they seemed one way , and just changed their minds . So I thought I 'd wait , rather than asking right away , because I didn 't want to do anything to stop them taking me to see Dec . Human of several decades experience . Full time employment , part - time enjoyment . Searching for the fountain of youth in the sure knowledge that it will be full of beer cans and dog piss . Plan B is the fountain of age , which will be found next to a comfy chair with the TV remote in easy reach . View all posts by 00dreams00 Author 00dreams00Posted on April 24 , 2017April 24 , 2017Categories Fiction , Serial , storyTags Assault , Change , Family , Fiction , Love , Making amends , MS , Rugby , Surprise Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . . |
It has been very busy in the library trying to get settled . I have made great strides in turning it into a workable space . I have also made progress on getting the library cards ready . Thankfully I had a little help yesterday with that . My real break though in getting prepared for this school year came in the form of an email from the lead librarian at another elementary school in the district . It included her cell phone number and the encouragement to call her with any questions I had . That was an absolute godsend to me ! She came over to the school and spent about 4 hours with me helping to get me started . My entire life has changed in less than one week . On Friday ( 8 / 16 ) , sometime while I was hiking in the wilderness in the Adirondack Mts ( see above photo taken from Bald Mountain near Old Forge , NY ) , I received a phone call from a school district looking for a last minute LT sub who would be willing to work until about February . I was out of range of course and hadn 't even brought my cell phone with me , but I got the message on my home phone at about 11 : 00 pm . To make a long story short , I got the job . In less than a week , I have gotten a job as a LT substitute school librarian . I 'm excited , but also nervous . It is a k - 5 school in the very district that I grew up in . I finally got a chance to get in to the school yesterday . I was surprised , but not shocked to see that the library was a bit " turned upside down . " Apparently , the staff needed another space for someone to use so they opted to eliminate the library office . So they emptied the office , putting it 's contents onto carts and such and crowded it all around the circulation desk . Eeeeek ! My first task is to make the library a usable space . Luckily my principal was wonderful enough to help me figure out what to do with some of the things . It has a long way to go though . I do hope that at least one of my library aides can help me with organizing in a cute and attractive yet functional way . I feel a bit overwhelmed by it , especially when I have other matters to attend to ! Task 2 : Make sure that the library cards are all ready for the kids . I am thankful that a woman named Sally from Monroe BOCES will be coming on Tuesday morning to help me with Follet Destiny . While I have used it before and have figured out many things on my own , I feel like the task of getting ready with efficiency calls for a little more instruction . That is what I need to work on . I am truly thankful that I have some library help . Apparently I have two part time library aides ( One comes in the morning , the other in the afternoon ) . Also , ironically , the LT sub that I am replacing was offered a full time position in Greece . I believe that it is very likely that she is going to be working in the same library I just finished working at . Assuming this is true , I hope that she is able to work well with Mrs . R . She will need a firm hand with her . I also have figured out that the last LT sub was absolutely fantastic . This means that I have some pretty big shoes to fill . I am a little nervous about that . Please keep me in your prayers , that I will learn a tremendous amount of stuff so I can be fabulous too ! Posted by The summer is nearing the end . This weekend , we take Allen to college . . . but first we pick him up from the summer camp job he has been working at in the Adirondack Mountains . Audra is up there too for the week as a camper at the same camp . On Sunday we take him to Roberts Wesleyan . in just under two weeks , my youngest daughter has orientation for her first year at the high school . I have had 6 interviews this summer and so far have not gotten a job . This is not what I planned for when I went back to get my master 's degree . I 'm just not sure what to do next . In the past 2 1 / 2 years , I have had 18 interviews . One of those 18 interviews ended up with me getting a long term sub job . ( I had another long term sub job that I got without even having an interview . ) This was the year that I felt like there might really be some hope getting a job as a school librarian . What do I do next ? This all hurts too much . Today I am encouraging everyone to go and read this post by a woman named Susanna . Susanna lives in Pennsylvania . She and her husband Joseph have adopted two special needs children from an eastern European orphanage . They also have several natural born children , including a one with Down Syndrome . I feel like I 'm back in gym class . . . waiting to be picked for someone 's team . I was always picked either last , or next to last . Wondering whether or not there is something blatantly wrong with me that everyone else is just too polite to tell me about . Posted by My son Allen graduated from high school . Since then he has left to work for the summer at a Christian camp in the Adirondack Mountains . Please keep him in prayer as he counsels the boys who have him as their leader . This week it is boys ages 8 - 10 . I got a job as the summer school librarian in Geneva . It is a very odd job . I 'm a Middle School Librarian being housed at an elementary school because of construction at the middle school building . On the first day , I walked into the library and discovered that it is being used as the elementary school 's summer school office . I have been pushed into a back office . I am very isolated from the actual middle school classes which are being held upstairs . I feel very awkward around the ladies who are working in the " summer school office . " I feel like an intruder . . . which is a bit ironic since I am the librarian and it is really a library that we are in . Not too many of the middle school teachers are really interested in getting any resources from the library . . . so it has been a bit quiet . I came close to getting a job . I was one of three final candidates for a library job at an elementary school about a half hour drive from my house . Someone else got it . I 'm trying not to be too hard on myself for that one . Posted by I 've had a few very good days at school and am very encouraged . I am enjoying it overall . If this school ever offered me a job , I would take it . Mrs . R still drives me a little crazy . I am thankful for her , but at the same time she can cause some annoyances . She is very stuck in her ways and opinions . . . and very outspoken about them She is very tough on the kids and can act a bit crabby towards them . We differ on a few of our views of how the library should be run . In fact , I am finding that the librarian I am subbing for runs things very differently than I would too . For one thing , she is very unforgiving about lost or damaged books . If a book is lost , she will hold it over the kids ' head for years . . . literally . Do you remember this post ? I 've seen a few cases just like the two in that post . One little girl lost a book while attending a different elementary school in the same district . . . over a year ago . She has not been allowed to take a book out since . That is , until I came along . I let her take out a book last week ! I put an exclamation point after writing that sentence because letting her take out a book made me so happy ! I tried to remove the record of her taking the other book , but could not because it is from a different school . There is another little boy who will be coming to the library to do jobs in order to " pay " for the damaged book he returned to the library . I 'm all for holding kids accountable . He made a mistake and left the book where his little sister could reach it She tore out several pages . I think he should be held accountable for what happened , but I will not let him be banned from taking out books either . I was told by his teacher that it was highly unlikely that his family would pay for the book . . . money is pretty tight for them . I 'm pretty excited about helping him pay off his book by letting him work . There are some other issues too ! Grades 2 - 5 are allowed to take out 2 books . If they only return one book , they are not allowed to take out any books until both are returned . I think that 's ridiculous ! I think they ought to be rewarded for bringing one book back ! Why not let them take out another book for a total of two ? My goodness ! What if one of the books they are reading is a chapter book like Harry Potter or something ? That 's a pretty long book ! They might not be finished with it yet . . . so can 't they browse through another book at the same time ? In another instance , a 5th grade class came in to look for books about different countries . Each child was to sign out a book about a different country in order to work on a class research project . I was in another part of the library when I overheard Mrs . R tell a little boy that he could not take his country book out because he had an overdo book on his record ( a book that was due in March ) . I came up to the desk just as the class was leaving . The little boy was still standing there at the desk . I said , " What 's going on ? " She told me that he could not get a book because he had a late book . Meanwhile , the little boy was worried about his class leaving , so he left . That is when I had a little discussion with Mrs . R . I said , " He CAN take out this book . It is a class project . " She started to argue with me , but I proceeded to check out the book in the boy 's name and I left the library to catch up to him . They had already made it all the way down to their classroom . I invited myself in and gave him the book . I also talked to his teacher . The next day , she stopped me in the hall and thanked me . Today went much better ! In fact . . . it was a good day . All the lessons went well . This is the book I read to the kindergarteners . We talked about imagination and of course . . . playing in boxes . I also showed them Harold and the Purple Crayon on BookFlix . ( a collection of books made into short movies ) Tomorrow I will add a little image of one of the children 's creations that we did after the lesson . I photocopied a few of them on the school 's color copier to put into my portfolio . First grade went well too and the children seemed to enjoy the lesson and project . Second grade . I had Mrs . L 's class today and they seem to be a pretty good class . I did not have any major behavior issues . I ended up tweaking the lesson a little from last night . We all did a little research project together on mealworms - which they are studying in their class . I thought it might be a good idea to model how to research using the information on a database called PebbleGo . I think the kids really enjoyed it . I am in a difficult assignment . I 'm really questioning whether or not I am in the right field . I 'm very discouraged . Today Lily came again . Once again I could not read the story to the class with her there . She started yelling that she did not want me to show Nolan the pictures in the book . This was after getting together with Mrs . S ( Lily 's teacher ) to go over her BIP earlier in the day . We also went over the seating arrangement together to try to put Lily in the best possible seat . Lily was not originally going to even be in class today , but there was a change in plans and there she was . She came in holding Mrs . S 's hand . Mrs . S said , " Lily is going to have a good day in the library today , aren 't you Lily ? " Lily nodded . The children sat down and I started to introduce the story . I got a half a sentence in when Lily said , " I can 't see ! " I explained that I would make sure that everyone in the class got a chance to see the pictures . . . . that is when she started in that she did not want Nolan to be able to see the pictures . I tried to calm her down and of course it was useless . Mrs . R called for help . We all got up and moved to another section of the library when support came and I read from there . The good news : no running around the library this time and no lock down . Then the kindergartners came in and there was a little boy who was terribly disruptive . I don 't recall him being there last week so I am assuming he was absent . He had a 1 - 1 aid with him and had to be taken away . It took awhile for him to finally be taken away . Because he was so disruptive , it was impossible to read the story . After he was gone , it was still challenging to read the story . Many of these children do not sit and listen to a story very well . I just looked up this child 's name in the system because I could not remember it . . . . it 's Aiden . . . but that 's not all . I discovered that he and Lily have the same last name . Interesting . Are they siblings ? More sleuthing and I found out they have the same address . Who are the parents ? There is clearly something dreadfully wrong with these children and it is very sad . What causes them to be like this ? Whatever it is , it is not their fault . They are victims of something . I 'm not looking forward to tomorrow . I 'm just afraid that tomorrow will be a disaster . I worked hard all weekend to come up with different plans for the classes coming in . My plans for the second graders are kind of sketchy and I 'm very worried about it . I am trying to come up with a simple research project on insects with the kids . The thing I am worried about is that there are only 10 computers in the library . Tomorrow 's class has about 24 kids . We will have to break up into groups in order to take turns using the computers . I need something to keep the other children busy and out of trouble while I work with the children on the computers . Everyone will need instruction on how to use the database I am planning on using . I also forgot to check how many headphones I have to use . I know that there are several in the back office . . . I just don 't know how many . Yesterday morning I woke up with a heavy heart . I hadn 't really gotten into it Thursday about the vice principal walking into the class when I was losing my cool with the class that was in there . . . I just was too sick about it to elaborate . It was very bad and cast me in a very negative light . I later was crying to my husband that I had just destroyed any possibility for getting a job in the future . I just couldn 't see how I could ever gain credibility back with the VP . He said , " Maybe you didn 't . . . talk to her tomorrow . " I intended to , but she was never in her office when I stopped by . I DID however , stop by another teacher 's room ( I will call her Mrs . P ) to talk with her . I knew her class was coming in to the library and that they were also difficult . I walked into her room , formally introduced myself and said , " What works with your kids ? " Unfortunately she did not have time to talk because she was running to a meeting , but she indicated that the kids need to DO something in library besides color coloring pages . I TOTALLY agree . I have been bored to death with the lesson plans that the librarian has left for me . I 've already changed some of them to be more interactive learning . Next week 's lessons are an absolute SNORE ! If I am so bored with the lessons , why wouldn 't the kids be ? Later Mrs . P came into the library to toss a few ideas around with me . We are planning on some sort of research project for insects in the form of centers in the library . I quickly changed the plans for today with her . Today 's lessons were not perfect , because I had about 40 minutes to get ready for three different grade levels to come in back to back , but it was some improvement over the other lesson . It was a book entitled Bug Faces . ( I actually wrote a review for this book after reading it to second graders in another school district ) Unfortunately , the class was poorly behaved . . . making it difficult to read the book . VERY disrespectful children . That 's a whole other story which I won 't get into . Anyway , Mrs . P was totally supportive and encouraging to me . She also said she would step into the VP 's office to tell her that I had taken initiative to talk with her about being successful with her class . Take a look at the student work page on this library 's website ( one I have subbed in in the past and learned so much at ) and look at all the interesting projects that have been done . That 's how I want a library to look . I feel so much lighter knowing that I have someone on my side . I still need to talk with the VP and I need to confront Mrs . R about some issues I am still having with her . Please pray for me . I feel that this whole experience is a turning point in my search and experience as a school librarian . It will either make me or break me . I ended the day in a very BAD way . The second graders that came in were horrible . How can 2nd graders be that bad ? I lost my cool with them . . . and in walked the vice principal . Feeling like a giant failure right now . Perhaps I should have stuck with public libraries . The other very frustrating thing is that this school keeps pulling me out of the library during the times that I don 't have a class , to do coverage for other classes . This morning I was scheduled to sub for a 4th grade class from 9 - 10 : 30 . Mrs . R had the day off so I had to put the book drop box out in the hallway for returns and lock the library door . That meant that none of the kids who returned books in the morning could take out books . That is the time of day that I actually enjoy the most . Perhaps because it is the more enjoyable kids who are there to exchange books . Kids who want to read . I like making conversation with them and helping them find the books that interest them the most . So . . . I had to sub for a 4th grade class . At least the class was good . The phone rang during the class and I answered it . It was the secretary who wanted to know if I was available to sub for another class at 10 : 30 . ( It wasn 't really a question . . . it wasn 't like I really had a choice . ) Anyway . . . at least the 2nd class was good too . I found this to be very frustrating . Yesterday I covered for a class and tomorrow I will have to cover for another class from 9 - 10 : 30 . Seriously ? I know I need to be a good sport about this , but it is hard . I have a headache . My first graders came into the library at noon . I had noticed just before class that there was a notation made about them . It said , " BIP - Please make sure not to let Lily and Nolan near each other . " Hmmmm . Interesting . I went out to pick up the kids in the hallway . Within seconds , there was a little girl hanging onto my arm . I learned that this was Lily . I took the kids inside and sat them in front of the SMARTboard to start the lesson , but first I was going to read them a story . I was satisfied with the distance between Lily and Nolan . I started the story which was a simple biography about Pocahontas , but had to stop just a half a page in . Lily was shouting , " Stop looking at me ! He 's laughing at me ! " She was pointing at Nolan , who , as far as I could tell , was not doing anything but sitting on the carpet listening to the story . He said , " I am not . . . I 'm just sitting here . " She started shouting over the top of his words , " You are too looking at me ! Stop looking at me ! I hate him ! " She would not stop shouting . I asked her to be quiet . " I will not be quiet . HE needs to be quiet ! " I said , " Lily , do you need to go to a quiet space for a little break ? " ( I asked this as gently as I could because I know that she is an emotionally broken child ) Her response was , " NO ! HE IS LOOKING AT ME AND LAUGHING AT ME ! I HATE HIM ! " At this point Mrs . R was calling the office for support . One of the counselors came down and tried to get Lily to take a little walk with her . She refused to get up . At this point , it was suggested that the entire class move to another part of the library to read the story . That is what we did . . . leaving Lily sitting angrily on the carpet . While I was trying to read the story , the counselor was trying to deal with Lily , who had started to run around the library . The counselor called for more support on her radio . A second counselor came down . We continued to read the story as best as we could . Suddenly , they were gone and we finished the story and went over to the SMARTboard to continue the lesson . ( which was about how biographies are written in chronological order by the way ) On the board , the kids started dragging sentences of Poc 's bio to put them in order chronologically . Then there was an announcement over the P . A . system . " We are going into a level 1 lockdown . " A level 1 means that there is not a danger to the school as a whole , but for some reason , we need to lock our doors and stay in our classrooms . About 20 minutes later , the lockdown was lifted . I found out later that Lily had given them chase by running through the hallways of the school . It took three adults to finally bring her in . Posted by Do you remember that scene in Lord of the Rings , when Frodo and Bilbo Baggins were hanging out together just before Frodo begins the journey ? Bilbo sees the ring hanging around Frodo 's neck and suddenly snarls like a monster and freaks everyone out who is watching the movie ? That was me today . Okay . . . . maybe not quite , but there is a monster within me . I am working in a very challenging school right now . It is a step inside of Greece from the Roch City School District . Just a few blocks away from the school is RCSD . There are many behavior issues . Many of the kids are non - compliant . . . ( which is a nice way of saying they are plain disobedient ) . I think many of them must come from very difficult family lives . I have seen children in other districts who are just as disobedient . . . but there are far fewer of them . The sheer number of them in this district is very dismaying . I had a first grade class that had behavior that was just unbelievable . I absolutely lost it . I can really have a very scary angry voice sometimes . . . luckily it is a voice that does not come out often . How did they respond ? I DO think I scared them enough into a behavioral change . . . but I don 't think it was effective overall . They crept into poor behavior again as the hour dragged on . I just don 't want to turn into the nasty dragon librarian . The Kindergarten class that came next is a high needs classroom . Several students have Behavioral Intervention Plans ( BIP ) . I could barely read the picture book story to them . I actually had to simplify it in order to shorten it . . . I was losing their attention and needed to move on to something else . I felt like I was going batty . However , something happened during the story that made me stop and think . . . what is life like for some of these kids ? It was a simple question that was asked by a little girl named Brooke . In the story the word ' husband ' was mentioned . She said , " What 's a husband ? " She was not asking this to be disruptive . She genuinely wanted to know . I thought it was sad that she wouldn 't know what a husband is . . . I suppose she could come from a home where English is not the primary language so that could be a factor . I was dreading my next class . A second grade class with several more BIPs . I knew it was not going to be a picnic . I went to the door to get them a few minutes late because of problems moving the Kindergarten group out . I was greeted by a woman who was subbing for the class . She told me that she had had a nightmare of an experience subbing for their class and that about half of the students were taken to the office by the principal . In walked about 10 kids . I know that made life quite a bit easier for me , but even so . . . they were not very well - behaved . I was able to manage them , but was amazed that the " best " behaved students of the class were the ones sitting in from of me . Anyway . . . I am going to need a lot more wisdom and tricks up my sleeve in order to manage classes better . I feel like I am student teaching all over again . . . but this time without a mentoring teacher sitting in the same room . Ironically I could have used Mrs . R 's presence . Didn 't I tell you that my appreciation of her would grow by leaps and bounds ? I was thinking about how only a week ago I was subbing in an elementary school in Webster and I had 2nd graders all day long . I loved the entire day . The kids were so good ! The biggest challenge of the day was a few kids talking out of turn . I remember thinking , " I love second graders . " Just 9 days later and I am in an entirely different world . Today was a brand new day with a brand new Mrs . R ! ( Okay . . . not entirely brand new . . . but much better ) Her attitude toward me did an about face . She spoke to me kindly and respectfully . The entire atmosphere of the library was much better . Maybe what I said to her yesterday made the difference . Tomorrow Mrs . R does not come in . . . which will make the day very challenging . My overall appreciation of her should grow by leaps and bounds when I am on my own . . . juggling all aspects of the library . All alone in the library . The last class of the day was very challenging today . They are a difficult class and need a very firm hand . I am going to have to absolutely take complete control of this class in order to work with them . I have been told that tomorrow 's last class is just as challenging as this one . If you would say a prayer for me , I would appreciate it . So far , I am finding that the library is not a really comfortable and fun place to be . . . because of Mrs . R . I prayed on the way to school that the Lord would help me to love her . It is difficult because I honestly do not like her . Today and yesterday she was very condescending to me . Every question I asked her was answered with an undertone that spoke volumes . Have you ever spoken to someone and they answer you rudely with the words , . . . " Uh duh ! " ? She has not said these words to me . . . but the undertone of her answers has . Finally I said to her , " Can you please speak to me like I am intelligent ? " She looked very shocked and her mouth dropped open . I also think she was embarrassed . ( I hope ) This was ten minutes before the first of three back to back classes was coming in . I think that it may have helped because she kind of gave me a compliment on the lesson I taught by saying that she could tell that the kids enjoyed it . She also did not interrupt one single time during any class to discipline . Earlier in the day we had an interesting discussion which brought to light her " vast knowledge of library work and children . " ( sarcasm here ) A teenage girl has been doing service work in the library on occasion because of some discipline action taken against her ( I don 't know any details ) . She comes from the high school to do work . She was supposed to come in this morning . Seriously , I know that many of my readers have never worked in a library and may not know the term ' shelf reading ' . . . but honestly , who could possibly think that children are neat and tidy while looking for books in the library ? Most of you have kids and probably remember how quickly they can turn the house upside down . Mrs . R actually has one child herself . Maybe her child was unusually neat and well - behaved and could sit still for hours at a time . I don 't know ! On a good note , I have created three SMARTboard activities which I have incorporated into lessons this week . The kids are enjoying them and I think they will be great to be able to share during an interview . ( don 't get too bogged down if you don 't know what a SMARTboard is . . . just think , " Priscilla is so clever and technologically savvy ! " ) Posted by Last night , around 8 : 30 or so , I was notified that my long - term sub position has officially begun today . My main goal for today was to get through it . To begin to aclimate myself and teach the library lessons . I was a bit thrown off by the presence of the book fair which had taken over the entire library . Luckily this is the last day of it and on Monday , the library will be back to " normal . " I put normal in quotes because I have only been there twice and am not well versed on what normal really is there . The kids were not too bad . I did have to correct some misbehaviors . . . it being a more challenging school ( a step outside of the city limits ) . I had the mischievous child , the interupting child , the ever - so - slightly - but - cannot - quite - pinpoint - it disrespectful child , the I - need - to - separate - you - two boys , and also the bossy - tattletale - class - reporter child to deal with . I guess that is pretty typical . I just read this post over here by Ken Davis and it really spoke to my heart . It describes me to a T . I have had some ridiculous moments of explosive anger over the stupidest things . I just had one the other day in fact . This is the first step I am taking to admit that I have anger issues . . . I 've been thinking quite a bit about who I am and what impact I am making on others . The father of some friends of ours past away suddenly in his home last week . It was totally unexpected and a shock to our church . He was a pillar in our church and community . I just can 't believe that Dr . Snyder is gone . Last Saturday , we went to his funeral service . Person after person got up and told of this man 's gentleness , generosity , hospitality and kindness . He will truly be missed . I cannot think of one single negative thing about him . It has gotten me thinking about what would be said at my funeral some day . I 'm not sure if I would be spoken of as highly as Dr . Snyder . I know I have a lot of frustration and anger that has built up over the years . I usually try to pretend that it does not matter . It 's not working . I thought of this story tonight and wanted to write it down . I always thought it was significant . . . I just never recorded it before . I don 't want to forget it , so here it is . I was driving in the car and my three little children were all buckled into their car seats . Allen was four , Audra was almost 3 , and Alicia was about 9 months old . It was winter and I was driving to Webster to visit my parents . The weather was horrible and the visibility was poor . It hadn 't been that poor when I left the house , otherwise I would have stayed at home . I was on a country road . All of a sudden I heard little Allen 's voice say , " You need some gas , Mom . " I looked at the gasoline indicator and the needle was below empty ! A surge of panic ensued . . . and at the same time marvel . How did my little boy know I needed gas ? He couldn 't see the indicator from his car seat . . . physically impossible ! Besides that , he would not have known a gasoline indicator if he saw it , let alone be able to read and interpret it . I remembered that there was a little country gas station nearby and prayed that we would make it there . We did . I filled the car up , got in and said , " Allen , how did you know that Mommy needed to get some gas ? " He just looked at me and didn 't answer . I 'm not sure if he even understood the question . I 'm sure that an angel communicated the need to Allen so that he could tell me . Even at a young age , Allen had a hunger and thirst for God . He loved Bible stories and could not get enough of hearing them . He just loved Jesus so much as a tiny child . . . often putting me to shame . We had been praying and praying for guidance in college decision making for Allen . He felt very strongly that he wanted to go to a Christian college . He at one time told me that he wanted to go into missions and that " if God wants me to , I 'll go to seminary . " He is not entirely sure of what path he is to take , but God has put all the pieces together for Allen to go to Roberts Wesleyan Christian College . He will begin studies in communications . I just feel this terrible sense of dread . The postings for next year 's jobs are coming out . I have applied for two positions so far and will apply for a third . Every time I turn around , I am hearing about these three positions . Everyone is talking about them and everyone is applying for them . I just dread another interview in which I fail to be the one chosen . Someone told me recently that over 40 people applied for one school library position last year . ( I was one of them and did not even get called for an interview ) Today I was supposed to shadow the woman that I am going to be subbing for . Yesterday she called me to let me know that she is sick and wondered if I would be her sub today instead . Of course I said yes ! So I went there today . I have a very good feeling about this placement . I am going to learn a tremendous amount and also get plenty of experience to help me get a job in the future . The school is very nice . My initial impression is that the school is well run . The teachers seem cheerful and professional . The library is beautiful ! I have several computers that children can work on and also a SMART - board for lessons . There is a beautiful office area to get work done in . The schedule leaves plenty of planning time and also possibly to do projects with teachers if they are willing . I also have a helpful volunteer who checks books in and out , and also helps manage the classes . There are drawbacks . Well . . . one in particular . The helpful volunteer . She really is a volunteer . . . not getting paid a cent for what she does . The entire school loves her . . . especially with all the cuts that have been made to education lately . Not only does she volunteer in the library , but she picks up and does copying for all the teachers in the morning . She truly is helpful to the librarian . One cannot really run an elementary library very efficiently without a second person there helping . While the librarian is helping students find books they are interested in , several others are lining up to sign out books . . . meanwhile another set of eyes is always helpful for keeping an eye on mischievous students . ( Imagine this scene : while I am helping Suzy find a book about magic tricks , Billy and Joe have decided to crawl under the tables and pretend they are tigers . . . you can just picture it . ) For an elementary school librarian , the second pair of eyes is golden . However . . . Mrs . R , a woman in her 60 's who is from Scotland . . . ( not that Scotland matters , I just want you to imagine the scene with the right accent ) , is a little over zealous with her disciplining . I taught three classes today , and she rudely interrupted each one to discipline children . She sent one little girl ( Katie ) to time - out in another part of the library and honestly , I did not think the little girl had done anything terrible at all . In fact , I 'm not sure what she did . . . if anything at all . The little girl seemed very surprised and very hurt by it . After about 5 minutes , I called Katie back to the group . During the third class , Mrs . R was speaking sternly to the class about speaking out of turn . If she had ended it there , it would have been fine , but she went on and on and asked , " Who is still speaking ? . . . Who is still speaking ! ! ! ? " ( and I thought to myself through gritted teeth . . . ' You are . ' ) At the end of the first class , I asked a little girl if she would help me collect the pencils . When Mrs . R saw her collecting the pencils , she began to scold her . I stopThis is a problem that will need to be addressed and it is going to be very sticky . I really do not want to lose her help in the library , but I cannot have her running the show . I am the librarian and she is the volunteer helper . ( key word : helper ) I have been so horrible about writing my blog lately . It has obviously come to a stand still and therefore no one will probably even read this ( other than my faithful sisters ) . I had truly meant to blog about different libraries I have subbed in , but I didn 't . That 's too bad because there is a wealth of information that I needed to record , but didn 't . In a couple of weeks , I will begin subbing for an elementary school librarian who will be out on maternity leave for the rest of this school year . This position is all the way out in Greece . That is long drive for me ( ~ 50 minutes ) , but absolutely necessary . Next Friday , I will go there and shadow Rachel ( the librarian ) for the day . It will be nice to have regular income for about 8 weeks . In the meantime , I have applied for two school library positions that are opening up in the fall . One is in East Irondequoit and the other is in Penn Yan . Please pray with me that one of these positions will work out for me . I desperately need a regular job . This week has been Spring break for us . Two of my children are in New York City on a mission trip with our church . I have been home with Alicia . I would like to be able to say that we have done all sorts of exciting and imaginative things . . . but I would be lying . She stayed over night at a friend 's house one night and I had to work on Monday . Yesterday , she and I went shopping at East View Mall . The poor girls ' wardrobe needs some help . Unfortunately , we only were able to put a small dent into revamping that situation . I 'm hoping that today she gets to spend some time with her best friend . . . a much more fun prospect than hanging out here with mom . I have been looking for a job for the summer . I am hoping that I can find some children to babysit ( in their home . . . since I am sure their home is more fun than this one . ) I 'm sure that there are some children that will be needing some care once school ends . I have joined care . com . I was notified a few days ago that there was a perfect situation in Victor ( 4 days a week and during school hours ) . . . but they have hired someone else who responded quicker than I . It is my own fault since I forgot to check the care . com notifications and had therefore neglected to respond for several days . Once subbing ends , all income ( save for the dentist office I clean on Monday evenings ) ends . Once I get a permanent job as a school librarian , I will not have to worry about summers . I will be able to kick back and relax . . . but that is not the case for me right now . I had a job interview last week at a public library . Well . . . . I haven 't heard from them , but I know I did not get the job . On who told me excitedly that her niece just got a job as librarian at _________ Public Library . I gasped and said , " Well , I guess that means I didn 't get it . " Poor Debbie was horrified and felt terrible about telling me ( she had no idea that I was interviewed or had even applied for it ) . I was okay with it and actually found it to be rather humorous . I had actually figured that a decision was probably made and it wasn 't me . . . so her news was just a confirmation of that belief . have a long term sub position in a suburb of Rochester , which I told a few " friends " about at a RASL meeting ( Rochester Association of School Librarians ) . One of these " friends " asked me which school I had gotten the job in . When I told her , she proceeded to tell me that she had subbed there once for the librarian and it was " hell . " She then gave " But maybe it won 't be as bad as all of that for you . " I was not very happy . . . but it was her that I was not very happy with . I thought Rochester and she has so much experience both in Rochester and in Maryland and we will now have to compete against her . . . . blah blah blah . This woman was a walking black cloud of doom . I left the RASL meeting feeling really down in the dumps . On the way home I was like , " I need to shake this off and think more positively ! " It was a struggle . . . and still is . I snap out of it and then slip into it again . Anyway . . . I am sure that this job in G * * * * * isn 't as bad as what this woman described . I think this woman is a very negative person and I will try and steer clear of her at future meetings . People like that just drain me . On a better note , my son Allen has received a beautiful financial reward letter from Roberts Wesleyan College . So . . . he really CAN go to college after all ! I was seriously worried that he would end up going to FLCC . There is nothing wrong with FLCC . . . but I don 't think it would have been a good choice for him . He 's the kid who really needs to go away to a four year college . He also really wanted to go to a Christian college . . . and it is a relief that he really will be able to do that . We are waiting to hear from another college before the final choice is made , but Roberts is a very strong possibility . Posted by I am a mom and a wife . I have 3 really cool kids and a great husband . I 'm also a librarian at a high school near Rochester , NY . More importantly , I am a child of God . I desire to grow in Christ every day . The Lord has been faithful throughout my entire life . He has carried me through some tough times . |
She slipped away from the back door of the farmhouse , heading southwest more or less , in the direction of the setting sun . Captured , then tossed unceremoniously into a potato sack , she 'd been torn away from her home just before the cold of winter set in . She 'd had shock . But the world was finally returning to life again and she was anxious to take advantage of the warmer , more amenable breezes . The sodden earth would cushion , and silence , her already quiet steps . She paused at the edge of the underbrush , took one look back at the house , then disappeared ; grey morphing into grey in the dying light of day . There would be no more farm labour forced from her . She was going home . Impregnated by a wandering feral ; who had never returned to see the result of their mutual , and overwhelming , need , she had given birth to three sons - gingers just like their father . They had been noisy and demanding from the moment they had been delivered in the hayloft one cold winter 's eve . farm . The ice was long gone but the usual trickle of water , swollen by the spring thaw , was now a veritable raging river to her . She hated getting wet , but there didn 't seem to be any other option , unless … She backed up . Forepaws gripping the ground , she raised her backside off The anxiety to go home almost overcame her usual cautious nature . She barreled out of the bush at lightning speed and barely missed being crushed by a four - wheeled monster careening down a side road . Just in the nick of time , she turned in mid - stride and bounced back into the ditch . Reason prevailed . She waited , listening carefully for the telltale " chug - a - lugs " that signaled the approach of one of the worst enemies of her kind . How often had she warned the kits about the danger ? How many dead creatures , victims all , unheedingly sacrificed to the gods of the road , had she pointed out to them ? When the only sounds she could hear were friendly , she crossed to the other side . Something told her that this was the way to go . She would follow , but not too closely , the path the road took . When the monsters passed , she hid in the grasses and reeds . At night she hunted ; a task easier now than it had been when she had first come to the farm . At home , she grew up listening for the sound of the can opener and waiting for the currents to carry the scent of meat or milk to her nose . On the farm , she returned to her roots , darting and dashing amongst the grasses Grass yielded slowly to pavement . Houses became more frequent . Monsters to avoid increased . There were more fences to climb , more humans to watch from the shadows of garbage cans . It was necessary to make detours at times , putting distance between herself and others of her kind . Their pungent claim to ownership assailed her frequently as she cut through the heart of town . She confined her travels to nighttime now , passing her days under porches or under the leafy abundance of rhubarb plants . At last , she recognized streets , yards , and laneways . This was HER territory . She was almost home . The timeless inborn urge strengthened within her , giving wings to tired feet . Mom is in the kitchen cooking . Robin is working on homework at one end of the kitchen table . Mildred is at the other end , elbows on the table , holding up her head with her hands , looking very glum . " Don 't pay any attention to your brother . He 's being silly . Maybe you could make some Christmas presents out of things you already have . " " Robin , that 's enough . With that kind of attitude you don 't deserve any kind of present from Milly . Maybe we could make things easier for all of us this year . How about we write down the names of all the people we are going to give presents to and put them in a hat . Then each of us can " Okay , okay . Actually it 's not a bad idea . Then I only have to buy one present and I 'll still have money left for me . " " That 's easy . Grannie says she 's going to heaven soon and there isn 't a thing that she needs . You wouldn 't have to buy her anything . " " If we had been around when Jesus was born , we could have done lots of things for him with what we already have . Robin could have given up his bedroom so that Mary could have her baby in a warm and safe place . " Robin : nice place to sleep . I could have given some of this nice chicken soup to Mary and Joseph and warmed a bottle of milk for the baby " . Milly : " Well , you could do something for him , by doing something for someone else , just as if you were doing it for Jesus . He 's like that kind of present . Think about it for a while . Meanwhile son , you and I have a date upstairs with your room . We clean it or we condemn it . " Robin : " Well , Jesus doesn 't need a bedroom or a blanket or chicken soup or milk , but I found someone else who does . But my blanket didn 't fit in the bed , so I took the pot holder to use as a blanket . " Mom : " So I took my old doll house out to the shed . I put it down flat and filled all the rooms up with those wood shavings that dad had in the basement . But I didn 't have any blankets to put on top to keep the babies warm . So I took the pot holders . " " Dear Jesus . Thank you for Mom and Dad . And Robin too . Thank you for giving us a warm place to live , and food to eat . I 'm sorry no one was there to give you those things when you were a baby but I hope you like your birthday present even if you can 't enjoy it yourself . Amen . " The boy used to play in the sunroom where his grandfather now lay , stretched out on the daybed . However , since his last heart attack , the old man now occupied the room . The stairs to the bedrooms on the upper floor just took too much effort . terror . At Joey 's touch , the old man seemed to rouse himself . He rolled over , squinting at the bright light forming a halo around his grandson 's figure . " Joey ? That you , laddie ? " The old man chuckled , pushing himself to a sitting position . He took a moment to catch his breath after the effort , then pulled the boy into the sheltered gap between his knees . " You thought I was dying when you heard the groaning . No , I was just complaining to the good Lord . " At the boy 's puzzled look , the old man laughed again . " Guess I 'd better explain . You go to Sunday School so you know about creation , don 't you ? " His grandfather smiled . " Well , it might not have been an apple , but you got the rest right . When those two sinned , the whole world started to die , and it 's been dying by bits and pieces ever since . But just like me , it 's not going quietly . " By this time , Joey had climbed up on his grandfather 's knees , and then thought better of it as the old man winced . He began to wiggle his way down . " You sure complain a lot , " observed Joey . His grandfather looked at him in mock surprise . " Who , me ? " He laughed , then said , " What does your mommy do when you complain about being sick ? " you full of red Jell - O ® . Well , God 's doing stuff to make me , and the earth , feel better too . " But , you 're gonna … " Joey 's voice trailed off again . everything was good . Now it 's all coming to an end , dying from sin . To get back to the beginning we have to get past the end . The end is where the beginning starts all over again . Dying is an end God planned so that He could fix things , to give us a new beginning , to make us like we once were . " " Can 't I come with you ? " protested the boy , tears welling up in his eyes . Joey gravely nodded his head . As the gathering darkness seeped across the tiles of the sunroom , Grandpa 's forever beginning dawned in a little boy 's heart . Posted by When we entered the classroom , our New Testament professor was sitting , perched on the edge of the desk like a falcon anticipating lunch . The slight smile did not bode well for us - he never smiled , at least not in class . There was a piece of paper , face down , on each desk . The dreaded surprise quiz waited like irresistible bait . I turned my paper over . After a quick scan , I realized that the questions were based on quotes from the Gospels . We were to decide whether Jesus ' demands on His listeners were too hard , or too soft . Sounds easy , except these guys and their families survived on real fish . How did they imagine they would support their families ? I 'd be more than a little concerned under the same circumstances . I checked the square that read " too hard . " The Jews must have loved this one , considering the Romans were walking all over them . I 'll bet the fellow the Good Samaritan helped didn 't take his robbery lying down - well , not at first anyway . I might let someone hit me once , but twice . No way . They probably thought that was a good deal - for the other guy . I don 't mind helping out but I don 't do " door mat . " Another " too hard . " exactly kosher , but I mean , what 's wrong with a few bake sales and bingos ? Gotta get money into the church somehow . I checked the fourth " too hard . " Be on your guard against all kinds of greed ; a man 's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions . I wonder if He was talking to Judas ? He couldn 't have meant the others ' cause they didn 't have anything anyway . After all a little nest egg , and a nice house in the burbs isn 't bad , is it ? A car , and maybe … Nah , the normal stuff wouldn 't lead to greed . I nibbled on the end of my pencil . The quiz was simple . So far , everything was too hard . Jesus must have been exaggerating for emphasis , his buddy . Nope , I 'd make him work a little harder , maybe sweat a little , before I 'd give him paradise . I put a heavy , emphatic mark beside " too soft . " The work of God is this : to believe in the one he has sent . Believing isn 't work . It 's easy - sort of . You gotta do stuff too . I checked a second " too easy " though I wasn 't quite so sure on this one . As I have loved you , so you must love one another . correct answers . But I 'm not going to do that this time . I want you to take your papers home , read through the quotes again carefully . " " Reconsider your answers and pray over them . Then do the quiz again . Tomorrow I want you to come back to class prepared to tell us what you discovered . What adjustments in your thinking have to be made in order for you to bring your life more into line with Jesus ' words and example ? " I raced up the stairs , took a sharp left turn at the landing , and flung myself on the bed . The springs creaked . The little bounce was reassuring as the bed reacted to my slight weight . It was time for a few hours of uninterrupted reading on a Sunday afternoon . Was it spring , or fall ? Memory fails after all these years . It was cold ; It sounded like scratching . That 's it , I thought , a tree branch making friendly with the window , egged on by a matchmaking wind . I went back to Logical . I got up from the bed and took the one - and - a - half steps to the window . It must be a wire from the line that runs to the top of the house from the street . I studied the situation with all the wisdom of an almost teenager . The wires looked fine and nothing seemed to be rubbing . In fact , I couldn 't hear the sound anymore . I went back to my book . Just moments later the scratching returned . I stopped to listen , trying to determine where the sound was coming from . It stopped . I read . It started . I stopped reading . I got up from the bed to hunt for the sound . It stopped . I went back to the bed and to my book . The scratching started up . We led each other a merry dance for a good while . Be quiet and just stay still and listen . Don 't move . It 's not outside , it 's inside , and it 's in this room . It 's not coming from under the bed , from the night table or the bookshelf . The dresser is the only other place . Can 't be that . What would be making a noise in the dresser ? The sound was coming from the second drawer of my dresser . I was the coward who never came up the stairs without switching on the light first . I was the wimp who checked behind the doors and under the bed for to let Tiger use my sweaters as receiving blankets . I still haven 't discovered how a pregnant cat found a big enough hole in the back of my dresser to crawl through . There was no way she could have gotten in the front way without me seeing her . However she did it , Tiger was now happily snuggled into my sweaters in preparation for impending motherhood . basement . Of course , that wasn 't her choice . For being a feral cat brought up in a barn , she still recognized the luxury of life in my sweater drawer . The next morning , I went down to see how nature was taking its course . Tiger was hard at work . Finally , all the kittens were safely delivered . I think I was more exhausted than the new mother . After all , I was the one running up and down the stairs . Sam pulled his cap down far enough to hide his eyes as he stepped into the gutter to let the elegantly dressed gentleman pass by . He didn 't want the man to see his disgust . I ain 't no urchin . I 'll wager I works mor ' an you do . into Covenant Garden Market . Even a poor boy like him was a target for the snatchers . The tightly packed crowds made it impossible to tell whether a strange hand was in his pocket or if he was just being jostled by the mob filling the streets . Sam noted that there was a copper on the corner looking to catch a hapless soul in the act of relieving some innocent of his wallet or watch fob while he was stopped to watch the Punch and Judy show . Justice in 18th century England was harsh . Newgate Prison was an ever - present reality . Sam knew children who had been transported to the colonies for stealing a loaf of bread . He 'd hung around in the gallery of the courthouse and heard the ominous words : He dismissed an errant though . The gentleman who had just shoved him aside would be well served to have the rotten wood fall on his head the next time he ventured here . The market was ripe with diverse smells fighting for supremacy . Fresh bread battled rotting fruit . The fragrance A carriage rattled by , its wheels spattering passers - by with something brown , wet , and unpleasant . A washerwoman shook her fist at it , railing at its occupants as she rubbed in vain at the spots on the sheets she was delivering to a client . It was getting late . The vendors were packing up their wares . Sam 's mother was waiting at home . He hoped for some black bread and a bit of soup . The meagre wage he earned at the factory barely put food on the table . Six days a week , 12 hours a day , Sam worked . The market , so noisy to the rich folk from St James , seemed quiet to him even at the height of its busiest day . The pounding and clanging of the machines in the yarn factory would literally deafen him someday . Every bone rattled in its socket , every nerve jumped to the beat , making awful music on his mind as he laboured for enough to keep him and his mother alive . Sam entered a narrow alley . He walked , his body hugging the crumbling walls , watching his step so as not to fall into the rancidity of the gutters . The unwitting walked in the middle , often getting the contents of someone 's chamber pot dumped on them from an upper level window for their trouble . He headed toward a narrow staircase at the end of the street . Wearily , he climbed it , greeting neighbours as he went . He reached the third floor . At his push , the door opened into a small room , lit only by a stub of a candle on a wooden table . The smell of turnip and potato greeted him . There was soup tonight . The end of a loaf sat beside his plate and the kettle whistled on the hob . He shared his day with his mother . Sam barely knew the name of Robert Raikes . He only knew that some rich toff thought that educating the poor and teaching them moral values would help keep them out of jail . History would dub this philanthropist and publisher , the father of the modern Sunday School . Each Sunday morning Sam went to Mrs . Peachtree 's house , one of " Raikes ' Ragged Schools " , where he learned to read and write with the Bible as his textbook . In the afternoon , after reading his lesson , he went to church . " It 's okay . Really . You and mom go to the dining car . I 'll stay here with Susie . We can get something at the snack bar later . " At the mention of her name , a pudgy six year old , currently kneeling on the seat , looked away from the window . She had been watching houses and fields rush by at a dizzying pace as the overnight train to Pembroke began to pick up speed . She stuck a thumb in her mouth and looked a little sadly at her parents and sister . She waited , knowing what the theme of the coming discussion was going to be , and how it would end . " Charlotte , I wish you wouldn 't be so self - conscious . That 's why you don 't want to go , isn 't it ? " argued Mrs . Thompson . " It 's been a year since the accident . You 've got to stop thinking about the scars all the time . " How do I stop thinking about it , Mom ? The space is blank where my picture should be in the 1957 Central School Yearbook . How can I forget the grease fire in the kitchen , the pain , the surgeries , the lost summer . I missed my Junior High Graduation and when all my friends were starting their first year in High School , where was I ? Still in rehab . The train swayed , clicking and clacking around a bend . Susie , already off balance and unable to catch herself in time , bounced off her bigger sister , dislodging Charlotte 's hand , up until now tucked out of sight in her jacket pocket . Even after a year , the sight of the patchwork reddened flesh marked with tucks and puckers where the grafting had taken place , startled her . She shoved the offending hand back into her pocket . " Okay honey , " conceded her father with something of a sigh . " Stay with Susie . But your mother is right you know . You can 't keep your hand in your pocket forever . I know some people have been mean to you , and insensitive about how you feel . It 's been hard to ignore the stares and the whispers . But the fire and that burn and those scars didn 't suddenly " We 'll be back soon , " he said , taking his wife 's arm to steady her as they headed down the narrow aisle that led from their bedroom through the coaches to the dining car . It was a long walk . They were at the end of the train . Charlotte sat still and quiet , as the soothing rhythm and swing of the train began to calm her . Her father might not have believed it , but she really had heard what he had said . It sounded right . But it felt so wrong . Then , a sharp tug on her sleeve and an impatient , " Char ! " , broke through the wall of her thoughts . Susie wanted to share the discoveries of her new world . She was fascinated by the buttons and levers that operated the ventilation system , the call button for the steward , the miniature sink , and the midget - sized bathroom . When she ran out of things to push , pull and exclaim about , Susie went back to the window . But it wasn 't long before the little girl grew tired of watching the scenery flash by . Even Charlotte was about to be lulled into thought - less sleep . " I don 't know if that 's a good idea . I shouldn 't leave you alone , and besides how can you want to eat and sleep at the same time . That 's a contradiction . " " Never mind , Sooz . It doesn 't matter . Can I trust you to stay here and not move a muscle until I come back . No matter what ? " Clickety - clackety , clickety - clackety , Heswatchingoverme , came the reminder from the tracks below . The little girl nodded her head up and down slowly , as if she was struggling with a huge decision . She was . Susie wanted to go . It would be exciting to see more of this wonderful train . But all that excitement was just about to put her to sleep . leather seat . She was having a hard time keeping her eyes open . Charlotte was sure that at least one member of the family wasn 't going to be walking the aisles of the train for a little while . She tucked a blanket around her sister , and then slipped through the curtain , letting it swish gently behind her . She decided to close the sliding door so that Susie wouldn 't be disturbed . There was no one else in the passageway . The sleeping cars were deserted during first call for It 's so ugly . I 'm ugly . She raised her injured hand to grasp a door handle as she reached the end of the car . She pulled open the sliding door that separated the cars . The little square box between cars smelled fresh as outside air whistled through the cracks in the metalwork at her feet that marked where one car began and the other left off . As the sliding door glided closed behind her , she looked at the puckered checkerboard of scar tissue that snaked from fingers to wrist , and then disappeared underneath the sleeve of her jacket . The doctor told me the scars would fade - sort of , someday . It doesn 't save me from the stares and whispers today . That new boy in class took one look and walked away . I was sure he was going to ask me to go to the fair with him . Mom said he wasn 't worth crying over . Dad said he was immature . Truth is , nobody wants to be seen with a cripple . train a man had come hurrying out of the compartment beside theirs . He had almost run Charlotte in a race to get off the train , and then back on , before the trainman called " All aboard " for the last time . In the minor collision that resulted , some ash from his cigarette had fallen on " I hate this ! " Suddenly aware that she had spoken out loud , she looked around to see if anyone had heard . She saw no one . Clickety - clackety , clickety - clackety , Heswatchingoverme . The message from the rails knocked at the wall of self - loathing that barricaded her heart . Charlotte knew that God had heard her . Since she had burned her hand she hadn 't talked to God much , except to complain . She knew she shouldn 't . But that didn 't seem to keep her from doing it anyway . Where were you , God , on the day of the fire ? I believed in you and you let me down . I hate being different from everyone else . I 'm sick of explaining about the accident . I 'm tired of people feeling sorry for me . this undivided attention . She pretended to be her mother and chose responsibly - an egg salad sandwich to share and two apples . She paid the money , being careful to protect her hand from view as she counted out the right change . With the bag tucked under her arm Charlotte hurried back the way she had come . For the first time all day , there was a faint Charlotte had passed through the first two sleepers , and was almost to the end of the second car , when she noticed something odd . There was a smell that hadn 't been there before . It was very faint , just a hint of something … like smoke . It must be my imagination . the cars and stopped outside the sliding door leading into the last car . She put her hand on the door . She looked around , then sniffed the air like a bloodhound separating scents in the breeze . Maybe the wind was blowing back the smoke from the engine . She peered through the small window in the door . It was black inside . Had it been that dark before ? Charlotte slowly pulled on the door . It had only slid open a fraction of an inch , before she knew where the smell was coming from . Thin , wispy smoke trails reached out for her . She could feel heat on her face . She slammed the door shut , petrified . Fire ! There 's a fire in there somewhere . Sooz … Sooz is all alone . What do I do ? Run for help ? Yell ? Run to Susie . I can 't . I 'll get burned again . Was there something to pull ? Did Sooz show me a cord to pull for emergencies ? I 've got to get to Susie , but how … the car right beside the door . She didn 't have to read the sign above it to know what it was for . She reached up and yanked the handle as hard as she could . Clickety - clackety , clickethhhesssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeessssss … She could feel the train slowing , bumping and jerking as though it couldn 't make up its mind whether to stop or go . Somewhere far away someone applied the brakes . The sudden change in forward motion threw Charlotte off balance . She dropped the paper bag , scattering food across Somebody will come to help us soon . She knew Someone was already there and she knew what He had prepared her for . I can 't wait . I have to go now . I have to get Susie . How many doors were there between the beginning of the coach and the end ? Why didn 't I pay more attention to things around me instead of thinking so much about myself ? If I had , I 'd know how far I have to go . The coach seemed to go on forever . It was hot , but she didn 't dare take the jacket away from her face . If she lost it , the smoke would finish her off . up her injured arm . She drew back , quickly falling to her knees . That wall was hot - hotter than the rest . The smoke seemed thicker here . Oh Lord , help me . I have to get to Susie . With superhuman strength , the teenager pulled herself along the floor . As she reached out , her hand struck a solid object . She slid closer , pulled herself up and realized , even light headed as she was , that she had come to the end of the train . The entrance to their compartment must … and fell through the curtains into the room . It was gray with smoke , but the pale light filtering through the car window revealed the still form of Char 's little sister . Just as she had promised , Susie hadn 't moved from the spot where Charlotte had left her . Char threw herself across the narrow space toward the little girl . " Your mother has gone with her to the hospital . But she 'll be okay . She inhaled some smoke , but your quick action pulling the handle and alerting the crew made all the difference . And if you hadn 't closed the door to the compartment , well … " " Didn 't make it . He was smoking in his compartment and fell asleep . The cigarette caused the fire . " The uniformed man moved away , leaving father and daughter alone . Mr . Thompson reached out and pulled Charlotte into his arms . " I wasn 't using it anyway , just hiding it away . I think maybe it 's time it stopped hiding . " Mr . Thompson squeezed Charlotte a little tighter . " I 'm not sure what happened here but I 'm glad you are ready to wear your scars with courage . " Charlotte rested , secure in the arms of both of her fathers - the human one and the heavenly one . Then … Some animals , like their human counterparts , are born to trouble . Patches came to us under difficult circumstances . I was spending the summer overseas working with a team of young people who had come to do youth work in the city . My plan was to return permanently after raising sufficient financial support . A couple of days before the team left , a group of the teens went down to the common area of the apartment where I was living to spend some time with the local kids . When they returned they brought with them a muddy coloured kitten , small enough to fit in my hand . They had rescued the poor creature from some kids who were tossing it back and forth as though it were a ball . What was I to do ? They were leaving and couldn 't take the kitten with them . No one had any idea where its mother was . Certainly we couldn 't return it to the plaza for the kids to further abuse . I offered to take the kitten if one of my colleagues would look after it until I returned . Patches was not a friendly cat . Who could blame her considering her start in life . She disliked people , tolerating their presence - barely . She wouldn 't sit on my lap , or purr . She refused to allow anyone to pick I picked her up at the doctor 's the day after the surgery . The vet sternly told me that I would have to change the cat 's bandage twice a day . The wound had to be washed and sterilized with an antibacterial agent . She handed Patch back to me . The cat 's body was wrapped in a huge white bandage . When I was a kid we had a family cat - a feral that came and went as she pleased . We never took her to a vet and never had her spayed . Lacking any experience with vets , I had no idea that this one probably got her license to practice out of a cereal box . Later that first day , I tried to catch Patch . The bandage had to be changed . The cat was not planning on cooperating . To my horror , I realized that the bandage was sticky . It was stuck to Patch 's hair - all the way around her body . There was no way it was going to come off . I called in a couple of friends . Would they be willing to hold Patch down while I tried to get the bandage off ? They agreed . I 'm sure they repented of that madness soon after we began what was to be not only traumatic for all concerned , but downright dangerous . Patch fought tooth and claw . She wiggled like an eel , refusing to allow us to cover her eyes ( they say it works for a frightened horse ) and there was no way to explain to her how necessary the process was . The bandage would not come off . It was stuck for life . all the way around her body . She wasn 't going to lay still for that either . How do you tell a cat that lying still is a smart move when a stupid human is using a sharp object to cut Elastoplast ® off her body ? Eons seem to pass before the bandage was removed . Patch looked like she had been the loser in a run - in with a lawnmower with a dull blade . If looks really could kill , I 'd have been dead ten times over . She wouldn 't Antibiotics ? Another bandage ? Not a chance . I tried making a cloth diaper to cover the incision , a dumb idea , which quickly went out the window with the roll of Elastoplast ® . Willie took good care of all kinds of things . He cut grass , took out garbage , washed cars , went to the store , started supper before his parents came home from work and delivered his papers right to his customer 's doors , instead of throwing them into hedges like some kids did . Willie felt warm all over when people were happy with his work . Charlie was Mrs . McFee 's parrot . She thought Charlie was very special , and wouldn 't leave him with just anyone . Actually , Mrs . McFee hardly ever got to go away just because she didn 't have anywhere she thought was safe to leave Charlie . " I 'll only be gone for a week , " she said . " And , I 'm sure that I can trust you to take care of my precious Charlie for me . He 'll be no trouble at all . " On Friday afternoon , Mrs . McFee drove up to Willie 's and delivered the parrot . Charlie looked very peaceful , sitting quietly in his cage . Willie knew he had to take good care of the bird . Mrs . McFee trusted him . After supper , Willie changed the water in Charlie 's dish , and gave the parrot a piece of banana . The boy stood beside the cage , just looking . Charlie looked back . Willie 's dad came into the room . " You know , son , that bird looks mean . You 'd better be careful how you handle him . " " F - e - e - e - e - e - e - , " screeched Charlie . Charlie liked to call Mrs . McFee 's name every morning just as the sun was coming up . And he kept hollering for a whole hour . By the following Friday , Willie 's parents were getting a little upset with Charlie . The early morning screech was bad enough , but that wasn 't all Charlie did to make life difficult . Charlie also knew how to get out if he owned the place . The parrot loved to corner Willie 's dog , and refused to let her escape from under the couch until Willie lured him away with a piece of chocolate bar . Charlie didn 't do anything without expecting a reward , and chocolate was his favourite . During that week with Charlie , Willie used up almost his whole allowance buying chocolate Sometimes Charlie would sit quietly in his cage . But no one was fooled . The whole family knew that he was plotting some mischief . Charlie screeched and whistled . He bit . He upset his water dish , and threw his food all over the floor . There were moments when Willie wanted to wring that parrot 's neck . But he had to take care of the parrot or Mrs . McFee would be disappointed in him . Willie had just coaxed him onto the point of an umbrella using a piece of candy as bait . He held it just out of Charlie 's reach until the parrot stepped onto the umbrella . Then Willie slipped him into his cage and hooked the door closed . A few drops of rain began to fall , and off in the west he could see lightning flickering . He walked a little faster . Willie didn 't want to get his papers wet . His customers wouldn 't be too happy trying to peel open wet newspaper . When Willie returned home , the sky was black . The lightning was much closer now . The house was strangely quiet . No screeching or whistling could be heard . Willie went to check the cage and what he found made him Willie looked everywhere . The dog was sleeping peacefully . There was no mess on the floor to tell Willie where Charlie might have been . Nothing was out of place , except - Willie looked closely at the porch door . The bottom corner of the screen had been pulled away . The hole wasn 't very big , but it was big enough for a parrot to squeeze through . The boy almost cried . Mrs . McFee would be coming home soon . If he lost Charlie , she 'd never trust Willie again to take care of anything for her . he passed underneath the elm tree in the front yard , he heard the familiar cry , " F - e - e - e - e - e - e " . Willie looked up and there was Charlie , perched on the very end of the highest branch . Maybe there was still a chance to catch him . Willie dug into his back pocket for a piece of chocolate and started up the tree . He didn 't even wait to throw off the big canvass bag he usually carried his newspapers in . He could only hope that Charlie didn 't move . So far , so good . The parrot just sat and stared . By the time he got to the top of the tree , Willie was scared . The limb of the tree bent under his weight . If the branch broke , or if Charlie flew away " Lord Jesus , help me not to be afraid . And make Charlie be good for a change , " he prayed . Suddenly , Willie had a horrible thought . Even if he did catch Charlie , how would he ever get him down ? He 'd be doing well just to get himself down , much less a miserable , fighting , biting , screeching , flapping parrot . Charlie spread his wings , and the boy held his breath . The parrot settled back on the branch , watching his pursuer . Willie took a deep gulp of air and held out the piece of mushy chocolate . " Here Charlie , come on , that 's a good bird " , he said as calmly as he could . Charlie took a step towards Willie . He wanted that candy , but he was too ruffled his feathers and pulled his head down as close to his body as he could . For one second he looked away from the boy . Swis - s - s - s - s - h , and the jacket was over the parrot 's head . Willie gently Willie slipped parrot and jacket into his paper carrier , and began the long climb down the tree . Until Mrs . McFee came , he didn 't let Charlie out of his sight for one second . He wasn 't going to lose the parrot a second time . Later , as Mrs . McFee loaded Charlie into her car , she praised Willie 's good work until he turned red with embarrassment . He felt warm all over for a long time after Mrs . McFee and Charlie had driven away . Being trusted to do a good job was important to Willie , even when the job hadn 't been easy . Something brushed his face , and he laughed as he looked up and realized what it was . One of Charlie 's feathers , caught somewhere up in the branches of the elm tree , had shaken loose . Willie tucked it into his pocket . He 'd keep it beside his bed to remember Charlie by . Mary Moffat stood in silence in the doorway to her home . The baby , her namesake , * whimpered in her arms , aware of a tension she was too young to understand . Mary jiggled her gently and the child fell silent , calmed The barren landscape shimmered under a blazing sun , heat radiating from the hard baked ground . It hadn 't rained for a very long time - too long . Like mirages in the desert , the scrub and stunted trees seemed to wave and roll in the rising heat , but the delegation of Bechwana warriors confronting her was all too real . the springs are dry , and there are no crops to harvest . If you do not leave our land right now , we will kill you where you stand , " threatened the leader of the group , his spear pointed at her husband 's chest . Mary shifted the baby to her left side , out of sight of the men now threatening them . Robert stood just in front of her , facing their visitors and partially blocking her from their view . He had urged her to go inside when the intentions of the Bechwanas had become obvious , to which Mary had replied : " Robert , God made us one , and as one we will face whatever happens . " She and her husband had been at Bechwana station at Lattakoo in the interior for several years . Robert , along with several co - workers , had arrived in South Africa in 1817 , under the auspices of the London Missionary Society . Mary had followed in 1819 when her parents had finally relented , given her their blessing , and allowed her to travel to of her husband 's solemn words settled , Mary remembered her father 's nursery garden near Manchester , where she had first met Robert Moffat . Even then he had been preparing himself for missionary work , convinced that God wanted him to nurture a spiritual garden rather than the physical ones that he first put his hand to at the age of fourteen . From behind the relative safety of her husband 's body , Mary heard the shuffling of feet and murmuring . he 'd gone to sea , causing his mother great anxiety . On his first trip across South Africa , he 'd been stranded in the desert without water . In one of his letters to her after that experience he had commented : " I feared that my first trip would be my last ; that my dream of planting a garden for God in Africa would end before it had begun . " Later , Robert had terrified his friends when he mentioned that he was going to move to the kraal of the infamous Afrikaner , a man whose name was hated and feared across the countryside . Not only had God protected Moffat but Africaner , his brothers , and others , became ardent believers under his ministry . However , the Bechwanas had not been such easy ground to work . They laughed at the concept of salvation . Love didn 't exist in their vocabulary . The only softening they had shown was some moderation in how they went about stealing cattle . They had also gone without the services of their rainmaker - the results of which they now blamed on the missionaries . Robert had despaired at the lack of response , only to be gently reminded by his wife that the Bechwanas needed to hear God 's Word in their own language before they would be convinced . Robert immediately dedicated himself to that task . " Mary , look . " She left the shelter of the doorway to stand beside her husband . The warriors had finished their discussion . As one man , they lowered their spears and turned away . As they moved off , the Moffats heard their leader say to his companions : " This man must have ten lives , since he is It seems like ions ago when the events happened that are fictionalized below . However , we know that people continue to disappear , to be made to disappear , in the interests of political and corporate ambition . God will judge . " Be reasonable , " said another . " Montero got away - jogged away from his secret service minders right into an embassy where he could be sure of being granted asylum . We could easily do the same . " " They will be more careful now . The leader of our movement walking away from house arrest in the plain light of day embarrassed them , " added a third conspirator . " It 's only temporary . They will get someone to replace him , " suggested a fourth companion , adding : " We can only hope he 'll be less diligent . " The subject of the clandestine meeting was state prosecutor , Felix Ortega . * * Two years after what many considered a failed coup d ' etat , Ortega was working his way through the list of supposed participants . At Ortega had arrested members of the Metropolitan police , who had been accused of shooting and killing civilians during the march on the presidential palace that began the failed attempt to overthrow the government . He was also investigating the popular mayor of one of capitol 's satellite cities , implicated in the bombing of several embassies . Felix Ortega was tightening the noose around several necks . In the house , plans were made . " He has bodyguards . It will be hard to get to him . " " If we were talking about a gunman , maybe . But a bomb is another thing . He 's taking a graduate course at night . They will guard him , but perhaps A sharp glance from his companions silenced him . Even here , the walls had ears . They all looked around somewhat nervously as if expecting the Presidential Guard to rush in upon them . " C - 4 will do the job . There will be plenty of opportunity . He 's told us himself that he always dismisses his bodyguards when he goes to class , " said a minister . One of the men chuckled . " We can always blame it on the opposition - or the CIA . He 'll make a handsome martyr for the revolution . " On the night of November 18 , 2004 , a yellow Toyota SUV cruised through the darkened streets of the city . Just five minutes after the vehicle had left the university parking lot , two explosions ripped through the thin black fabric of the night . The car , consumed by flames , continued its forward momentum until it eventually crashed into a store . Felix Ortega 's death is fact , as are some of the details in this story . The names and faces behind his death remain a controversy . Arrests were quickly made , but few are convinced that the real killers were found . The truth is that jealousy , fear , and lust for power killed Ortega . His death represents only one of many that God will charge to the account of From between two of the steel rails in the gate , a rich brown orb placidly observed the crowd . The animal was tightly wedged in the box , but even if he had had more room , he wouldn 't have moved . " Bide a wee , bully , " his Scottish ancestors would have said . So he 'd waited . There was no use wasting his energy at this point . He contented himself with looking , listening , and feeling . The stands were full of Stetsons , blue jeans , checkered shirts , and leather vests adorned with glitter and glitz - an eclectic mix of real cowboys and wannabes . He knew the spectators were watching him . He looked back at the crowd with the one eye at his disposal . From somewhere beyond him and above them , he heard the voice of an announcer , made raucous by the public address system in the arena . the circuit before . Goes by the name of Butterscotch , and comes to us from the Samuel Jackson farm out near Horsehead Lake in North Dakota . Butterscotch seems to be taking his first appearance mighty calmly as he The announcer seemed to take delight in pronouncing Butterscotch 's name with more than just a hint of derision . The crowd got the message , and laughed . What kind of bull was a Butterscotch ? The bull flicked an ear in mild annoyance . Bide a wee , bully , bide a wee . Butterscotch felt the weight of the rider on his back . It was slightly bothersome and Butterscotch wiggled , banging his back end against the rails . He also felt the chaffing of the bull rope around his middle , and the leather handle braided into the rope and double - wrap the loose end around his gloved hand . The pulling and pounding on the glove , to make sure the hand was well anchored , furthered annoyed Butterscotch and he tossed his head . The blunted tip of one horn tagged a cowboy sitting on the rails beside the rider . The man drew back quickly . Guid lad , bully , bide a wee . " Get ready for what could be the championship ride , folks . Scoot 's settled , and my money 's on the veteran rider over the novice bull . It only takes eight seconds , friends , and Scooter Martin will be collecting Butterscotch saw , and heard , hand meeting hand as the crowd clapped and roared its agreement . He felt the digging in of the rider 's knees . His time was coming . If a bull could smile , this one would have done exactly that . Puir foolish creatures , they give tae ye a name o ' their choosing - ' Butterscotch ' - for the colour o ' yoor hide ; but they 've seen naithin ' o ' the colour o ' yoor heart . The gate swung open and Butterscotch launched himself out of the box with a brutal hind - end swivel followed by a wicked mid - air twist . It only took four seconds to send a shocked and frustrated Scooter scrambling for the protection of the rails as the novice bull took his victory lap around the ring to the howls of the disappointed crowd . He heard his ancestors , voices ripe with approval : Bide a wee , Bully - till next time . ' Tis the heart no the hide that 'll be markin ' the difference twixt guid an bad - be it bairn o ' beastie . * Susan LaFrance wiped her face with a wet towel . The sour acid taste of vomit lingered in her mouth . She had just lost her breakfast in the ladies ' room outside Courtroom B in the Hall of Justice . Getting to the bathroom in time had been touch - and - go . Luckily , lawyers , especially newly created junior partners , always hurried , so her somewhat frantic rush to the restroom had not been commented on . " Rabbit up and keeled over dead did he , sweetie ? " Susan jumped . Lost in thought , she hadn 't heard anyone enter the washroom . The old woman now facing her was dressed in faded blue overalls and trailing a rather grungy looking mop . " No , " responded the younger woman , " just a little disagreement with breakfast . And do I know you ? " " I doubt you 'd think so , sweetie , but you sure look to me like you could use a friend . A friend indeed is a friend in need . Somethin ' like that . Anyway , doesn 't matter . Need a Kleenex ? I got one of those minty , freeze - your - tongue things if you want , How about an aspirin ? No , forgit the aspirin . Shouldn 't take that stuff when you 're pregnant , sweetie . " " People get sick for any variety of reasons . I don 't mean to be rude , but it really isn 't any of your business . And I 'd appreciate it if you wouldn 't call me , ' sweetie ' . " I mean ? There 's a vending machine outside . Supposed to be loaded with pure spring water . Hey , I got to remember that one - loaded with spring . Get you a drink if you want . Should drink lots of water when you 're havin ' a baby . " " Let 's say , hypothetically , that I was sick to my stomach because I am pregnant - which I 'm not . Here we are , two perfect strangers in a public washroom . You 'll never see me again and I 'll never see you again . Why should you care ? " " Why not ? People go in and out of this washroom all day and half the night . They all got trouble - why else would they end up in the courthouse " Hypo - whatever speakin ' ? Make a short story shorter than short . Found a baby on the floor of one of those stalls once . Good thing it wasn 't flushed . Didn 't get here soon enough though . Couldn 't do anythin ' . In a better place now but still , a real shame . Don 't want somethin ' like that " About me knowin ' you . I see you everyday goin ' in an ' out of the courtroom doin ' all that lawyer stuff . You just never noticed me until today . I guess that proves it . " Yesterday it was fame , fortune , and a future partnership with the firm of Barnes and Sutherland . Today … No , today will be the same as yesterday . I am not having a baby . I will not have a baby . I just need some Maalox . I wasn 't sure what to do with these stories that have accumulated over time , so I thought I 'd just drop them here . Some are fairly serious , others are lighthearted . Read , enjoy , think . I am the author of Divine Design for Daily Living , a 365 day devotional journey through the entire Bible , published both in Spanish and English editions . The most recent book , Ordinary People With An Extraordinary God , was published in 2013 . I write for publication online as well as for paper publications and am part of the Missions Communications team of The Fellowship of Evangelical Baptist Churches in Canada . Currently I am Managing Editor of THRIVE , the official publication of the national Fellowship . View my complete profile |
Much to our delight and surprise , a package came in the mail from Grammie . Zora got this neat magnetic dress up doll . She carries it around the house with her and encourages people to talk to it . She carries the pieces around in her doll stroller , and she keeps trying to talk us into taking her with us in the car . This holiday was difficult because of the loss of Zach 's dad . We found ourselves having to correct ourselves when presenting gifts from " Grammie " instead of " Papo and Grammie " . We are still really struggling to adjust to the idea that he isn 't here any more . We are finding our thoughts wander to him and his absence feels really profound , despite the fact that we didn 't see him very often . My thoughts often went to Zach 's siblings , knowing that they are likely feeling his absence much more immediately than we are , and how difficult this holiday must be for them . Even for us it was enough to make it impossible to write the traditional Christmas letter and card because I just couldn 't find a way to state the obvious without feeling competely ovehwhelmed with grief . I have thought about just sending the cards late , but honestly , I don 't think I can . It is just too much for me right now . The grief is just too fresh and raw . Until I talked to my mom about it , I didn 't even realize that it was just this year that Zach graduated with his Master Degree , and , realistically , we did actually have some good news to share in a Christmas update . Before talking to her I felt like the whole letter would be : Zora is growing , Zane is still autistic , I am still fat , and Zach 's dad died . That pretty much summed up how I feel right now . It isn 't fun , it isn 't uplifting , and it is a picture of people really working to keep our heads above water . I WANT to feel empowered and happy , but I don 't most of the time . I feel pretty fragile most days to be honest . I take things much more personally than I should because I am just struggling to hang on most days . I know it will get better , and I know I have the strength to keep going , but some days it is just really hard . I feel so very , very human many days . As I look towards the next year , I just hope it is better than this year . I look forward with hope and resolve to do everything in my power to make it as good of a future as possible . posted in Christmas , Death , Papo ( Z 's Dad ) & Grammie | 2 Comments As they day wound down and people left , we found ourselves lingering until it was just us and the other siblings with Jennifer . I think it was the first time it really felt ike family with the siblings for Zach and I . The uncomfortableness was gone and we were just connected . All through the week we learned things about Dad , his relationships , how he lived , and our siblings . I am not going to share them on the blog because they are too personal , but I will say that we had some misconceptions . Zach and my heart healed a lot this trip , in ways I could never have anticipated . I hope they are also wanting to continue building a relationship with us . As sad and hurt as I was that Jim had never met Zora , I am not any more . Although I realize that he could have made different choices , I understand that he did want to see her . That was good to know . I still don 't really understand why nobody knew that Zane was autistic other than the siblings . That was a little weird for us throughout the week . I was confused , at first , why we were getting * that * look , but figured out that nobody knew . I guess I forget that " Autism " is still a scary word full of stigma for other people . I know he was tight lipped about things , but I was just really suprised that they hadn 't even told Jennifer 's brother , a doctor . He actually hunted us down on Saturday , shortly after he had found out about it . He had a granddaughter ( I think … my brain was so foggy when he talked to me I am not 100 % sure ) who was non - responsive and showed many autistic traits as an infant . He did a huge amount of research and used biomed techniques ( specifically , treatment for yeast overgrowth ) and she is now indistinguishable from peers . ( seriously , I didn 't notice any of the kids with any sort of autistic tendencies … so if that child was there , she really is indistinguishable even to the somewhat trained eye ) . He talked to me at length about Zane 's symptoms ( and man did it make me dig in my brain … usually I can list off all of his tests and evals and treatments off the tip of my tongue , but I was really fried and was struggling to make my tongue work . lol ) . He got me a script for some non - systemic anti - fungal and I am going to get with my doctor here to have him work with me on doing yeast treatment on Zane . Thankfully , he also agrees with going low and slow so it isn 't hard on Zane . I started him on a low dose of the meds when we got back and am doing a lot of reading on the diets I am going to need to implement . The diet part is really going to be rough because it looks like almost his entire diet is yeast - feeding . ( except for meat ) I plan on starting to change the diet tomorrow , the day after Halloween . ( He has been looking forward to Halloween for the entire month and I was not going to tell him he can 't have any candy on Halloween … it could wait a few days ) There was also another person there I was introduced to who worked with special needs kids . They worked with a new program where you strengthen different parts of the brain to help increase learning . It takes into account which hand / foot / eye / ear is the strongest and develops a program based on that . I didn 't totally get it ( again , major brain fog ) , but it sounded interesting . I have to dig through my stuff though because I know they gave me a pamphlet of some kind that , presumably , has the name of the program on it . The only thing I can remember of the name is the picture I have in my head of the " Little Giant Ladders " that I have seen infomercials for . I am not sure if the name has something to do with " ladders " or " orange ladders " or " little giants " or some other weird thing that I remembered that way for some reason . lol . Sometimes a visual memory can be really confusing . I am really glad we went . Zach was resistant to going for a while , but I knew he needed to , and I knew it would be a good thing , but I don 't think I even came close to understanding how true that was . When every body is raw and stripped bare by the trauma of such a sudden passing , it can go either way … either it is the last event that forever rips a family apart , or it pulls everybody together even closer than they were . In this case , even though we feared the former , we most definatly experienced the latter . And , to finish on a lighter note , at the end of the day our camera was full . Zane picked it up wanting to take pictures , so Zach went through the camera and erased a few pictures so there was space for Zane to take about 3 pictures . The first was the back of a Ritz box , the second was the cool lighting fixtures in the kitchen , the third was this , confirming our suspitions that he really connected with Tirza : One thing that stood out to me was watching Jennifer 's mom , sitting next to her . She is quite old … I think in her late 90s , and was just widowed this last spring . I can 't imagine having to watch your daughter go through the same thing when the pain of your own loss is still that fresh . On a rather funny note , we got lost going there . Twice . It was the one location we had been to several times before and yet , we still managed to miss the turnoffs . Zach , who is frustratingly polite driving most of the time , actually got honked at twice pushing his way into traffic trying to get there . We had to laugh . In direct contrast to Zach , his dad 's aggressive driving was legendary . He seemed to enjoy making passengers squirm and was honked at regularly . Frankly , we were amazed he died of natural causes and not a car wreck . We figured the honkers had his dad 's eyes twinkling with his amused smirk in heaven . lol . After the service , we went out to his Dad 's house , about a half an hour into the Hill Country near a big lake . The area sort of reminded me of the Sand Hills that are South and East of Hutchinson , and my Maternal grandparent 's home place . Well , except that there were gates here , but they weren 't to keep the cattle in . lol . Zane and Zach took a long walk around the property to really look at what Jim had done . Jim had designed a myriad of intertwining paths and " rivers " of rock . Zane wanted to walk the maze of rocks and so he and Zach spent a good amount of time just enjoying the intricacies of the landscaping . Zane picked a rock out that he really liked and brought it home with him . It sits in a place of honor in his room . Here he is showing it to the camera . The tree he was planting . When we were at the viewing one of their neighbors came over and planted it so that nobody would have to come home to it still being undone . What a thoughtful neighbor . Landscaping binds the generations together in Zach 's family . A lot of Zach 's memories of his dad growing up are going with him and doing landscaping . His grandpa also did a lot of gardening , grew an orchard , and was always working with the landscaping with Zach too . This yard was a challenge to him because he had never worked in this kind of environment . I think it is easy to see he was a master , and his yard was his masterpiece . I overheard somebody say that firepit was the first thing he built when he started landscaping this property . It is at the back of the property and opens out to wild land . It is so peaceful sitting out there . Most of Jim 's grandkids were there that day , so we gathered them up and tried to get a picture . The first pictures are before Rocco was brought into the picture . Sloan is the only one I see missing . ( in one of my previous posts , she is the one in the raspberry stripped Hannah Andersson dress , going down the slide ) I love going out to their estate . It is so peaceful and comfortable there , and they have always worked to make it a place where people can really relax . It was a great atmosphere to sit and chat and share stories and memories . I think the playground area is new , at least in the last 5 years or so . The kids just loved it . It also made life a lot easier for parents because it kept the kids in the same general area ( particularly Zane , who tends to wander off if he gets bored or overwhelmed ) . They had a local restaurant cater , and had all the ribs , brisket , and some poultry and all the sides . There was enough selection that I was able to eat some of it , which was really nice . Later on , the kids all had an ice cream treat too . Zora and Brenna really hit it off . ( Hayden & Amber 's younger girl , about a year and a half older than Zora ) Brenna seemed to love being the older girl and telling Zora how to do stuff . I saw them holding hands for a while too . They both have strong personalities and seemed a good match . Zora also seemed to get along with the boys running around . My rough and tumble little girl . Zane and Tirza ( Hayden & Amber 's oldest , six months younger than Zane ) seemed to make a connection too . Zane even pushed Tirza on a swing . ( which made me really excited … attempting to join in play like that is a huge deal ) Tirza commented to her mom that Zane must not have realized she knew how to pump her legs , but she let him push her anyway … she is such a kind hearted kid . She seemed to " get " Zane more than a lot of people do . Today , Zora was going with us and Zane was being dropped off at the church . If you are in San Antonio , the Community Bible Church has a great Special Needs ministry , and they are the ones who watched Zane during the burial . The next day , when we pulled into the parking lot for the Memorial , Zane happily asked from the back seat if he was going " back to the school ? " . A sure sign of approval . I am not a conservative , by any stretch of the imagination , but the church seemed like a great church if that is your style of worship . We were there a few years ago , and the growth is astonishing . I heard someplace that they are now the 17th largest church in the nation . Anyway , we dropped Zane off at the church and took Zora with us to the burial . Kirsten 's ( Zach 's step - sister ) in - laws volunteered to watch over Zora and Rocco during the service . The other kids were all either attending , or still in school . I have never been to a military burial , so it was a new experience . I have also never been a person in the " sitting " area before . I hope it is a long , long time before I " get " to have that experience again . They started with three gunshots , one for service , one for honor , and one for something else … . I can 't remember what right now . One thing , without a doubt , even though you are expecting it , it is very startling . It very effectively jumpstarts the tears . Then they followed with a beautiful playing of Taps . When they folded the flag , I couldn 't help but think of all of the wives / mothers / fathers / husbands that have watched the same thing for their loved one . Including my natural grandfather . And when they knelt down in front of Jennifer , and told her the flag was from the president in appreciation of her sacrifice , I was choking back tears , not only for Jim , but knowing my grandmother stood there as a new widow with a preschooler and infant , and was told the same words . The feeling of it all being greater than this one death was overwhelming . I will never be able to watch a military burial on TV the same way . The solomn and magestic ritual of it all was so powerful . The service was ended with a short message , then a hymn ( I can 't recall which one it was off the top of my head , but it was familiar enough for me to get most of the verses without benefit of the lyrics , which I somehow missed when they were handing them out ) . The service was concluded with a beautiful doxology , lead by Jennifer 's extended family . ( a very musical family , blessed with beautiful voices ) It was hard , but as Zach said , it was harder the night before . I initially asked him if was harder because he had to talk to people , and he said that it was harder because it was the last time he would ever see his father 's face , and his father 's hands . It was harder because that is when he said good - bye to him . I agree . It was sad , and final , but the night before was harder for me too . Looking around that day , I think the same was true for a lot of people . The feeling standing there , after the service , was so odd . It was a beautiful sunny day and the kids were playing and laughing amongst the gravestones and along the road near the pavilion . Such a contrast to see them with the coffin off in the background and the adults gathered into little groups , all in dark clothes . For Zora , it was the first time she was around kids in days , and met some of her cousins . ( she met the other cousins at the estate later , when they got out of school ) . And a group picture . This is Jim 's sisters and their husbands , and all of the cousins ( in Zach 's generation ) except Jim 's girls . ( Kirsten & Amanda ) In the front , from the left : Cady , Mead , Sandy , and Joyce . In the back : Wright , Bob , Zach , Dan , Lauren , and Hayden Thursday morning was the first time we started seeing family . We met up with Aunt Joyce and Dan down at breakfast . We talked for a while , and when we realized they planned on making two trips to the airport to pick everybody up , we told them we would come along instead . With all of our luggage out of the vehicle , we had the back seating area free for either their luggage , or more people . They made a test airport run while we went back up to the room . Pretty soon we got a call from Hayden ( Zach 's brother ) to see if Zach wanted to meet with the preacher with the rest of the siblings , so he went with him to do that while I tried to settle the kids in . Zane was clearly agitated , but got a little better when I pulled out all of the blankets ( yeah for overpacking ) I had brought with us and covered the loveseat and made a little nest for him . Although we had been talking about what was going on to a degree , I still had to talk to Zane , more specifically , about what exactly was going on and what death was . I had to practice saying " dead " over and over again so I could say it without bursting into tears . He had a mini - meltdown and closed himself in the bathroom , trying to block the door , and I knew it was past time to have that talk . His body was broken and the doctors couldn 't fix him . When our bodies get a little broken , we go to a dr to fix us . ( then went through different people to ask " Is mommy broken , is Zane broken … ect , to make sure he understood the concept of broken body and not broken body ) In video games , when you die , it is a pretend die . You can start again and you are alive . In real life , when you die , you stay dead . You can 't start again . You can 't talk to the person , or hug them , and they can 't breathe or see or hear any more . They look a little bit like they are asleep , but they are not asleep . When you go to sleep , you wake up . When you die , you do not wake up . You can tell the person is dead because they don 't breath or open their eyes any more . ( again , asked questions to see if he was comprehending ) Inside of all of us there is an invisible part that makes us alive , called a spirit or soul . When the body breaks too much for docters to fix , the spirit goes to heaven to live with Jesus . His alive part , his spirit , is happy because he is with Jesus . Mommy and Daddy are sad because we won 't see his spirit for a long time and we will miss him being on earth . We miss being able to talk to him and hug him . ( again … questions to confirm comprehension ) We will be going to see his body . His body will be in a special box called a coffin . He will look a little like he is alseep , but he will mostly look different ( as it turned out , there was no question he wasn 't just asleep , and he looked quite a bit different ) . He won 't be breathing and he won 't open his eyes because his alive part is not in his body any more . His alive part is with Jesus . There will be other people there to see Papo 's body . A lot of them might be crying , or sad , and that is OK . It is good to cry when we are sad . We all miss Papo being alive , but we know his inside part , his spirit part , is happy and living with Jesus . If you are sad , it is good to cry . If you are scared , it is good to tell us . Mommy and Daddy will be with you and keep you safe and give you hugs if you want them . If you are not sad , that is fine . It is ok to not be sad . I asked him a bunch of question afterwards to make sure he got the concept ( as much as he could … nobody * really * gets death ) . I also knew that the only way he was going to understand what dead meant , for sure , was to take him to the viewing . Every part of my soul wanted to spare him that , but I knew that I had to . Right after Zach returned from his meeting with the siblings , we left to pick everybody up at the airport . They were coming from three different places in the country , but all managed , somehow , to end up on the same plane the last leg . Amazing . We exchanged a few quick hugs , got people and luggage arranged in the vehicles , and headed back to the hotel . It was Monday night , 8 : 30pm or so . It was the " witching hour " where we are trying to round everybody up for bed , just a bit on the late side that night and the kids were that overtired crazy they get when they need to go to bed . I picked up the phone , and a business - like voice asked for Zach . I assumed it was his work because they were starting the move from the old facility to the brand new ( in fact , not totally finished … some areas are still " hard hat only " areas ) and Zach is the go - to guy for computer stuff , especially oddball problems . Zach quickly went downstairs , away from the melee , to have his conversation , but that just " confirmed " my thought that it was work . I will never forget the look on his face as he walked the last few steps up the stairs back into the living room a few minutes later . I sit here with tears rolling down my face remembering it . He stuttered out that it was Hayden and Dad was dead , and was choking back tears . That is when the world started spinning . After holding each other for a while , I told him to call his mom and let her know . ( his Dad and his wife celebrated 30 years , so the divorce happened shortly before their marriage ) . For the next few days , we were almost always on at least one phone , but often two phones and the other one would start ringing . We have prepaid cell phones that had barely been used up until this week , but we had to keep adding money to keep them going over and over again because they were seeing such heavy use . Zach didn 't really start crying hard until he had to tell his mom . I was on the phone with Zach 's best friend ( very close friend of mine after all of these years too ) and was telling him what was going on . I wasn 't going to have him come over that late , until I heard Zach start sobbing , big heaving sobs on the phone with his mom , and Robert said he would be right over . It was so good to have him here . For a while we considered having him come along with us , but realized that wasn 't the best idea for us or him . It was nice of him toA few more phone calls with Amber and Kirsten and we discovered that nobody there had numbers for Zach 's Aunts , Jim 's sisters . They were considering sending messages via facebook out of desperation , but I told them to give me a bit and see if I could find them . I knew we had addresses , but when I looked in my Palm Pilot , there wasn 't a phone number there for Sandy . I started googling and came up with a number in the same town , with her dh 's name and called . Wrong person . ( that was fun ) . Then I googled Joyce and went to compare addresses , discovered I did have Joyce 's number and called her . That was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make . She said she would call Sandy . After a while , I posted on my blog . Much to my horror , that is how some of the cousins found out . ( it was late and , thinking they had gone to sleep , Sandy was going to tell them in the morning ) I think it was meant to be though because the chance of them seeing it when they did is just amazing . One or the other of us was on the phone almost the whole time until past midnight . I tried to rent a van , but the first one that was available was Thursday evening . We called airlines and quickly realized that wasn 't a possibility for us . ( besides the fact that there have been multiple stories of autistic kids being kicked off planes and I knew Zane was not going to handle a plane ride well under this kind of stress ) and I knew I could not handle it if that happened . It would break me . At about 1am , we realized the kids were still up and put them to bed . Our first big decision was whether or not to take the kids with us . At first , we thought about leaving them here . My parents would watch them . Since this family doesn 't see each other often , and Hayden and Amber were bringing their kids ( and the other siblings live in San Antonio area ) we decided to bring the kids because it might be a while before we meet up with everybody again . A few people in the family had met Zane , but nobody had met Zora . If anything good was going to come out of this , at least they could meet our kids . My parents immediately said that they would loan us the money we needed to rent a van , and mom said she would come up the next day to help me shop . I had an outfit , and Zach had work clothes and a sportscoat , but when I pulled the summer clothes back out , all of Zora 's clothes were bright and cheerful , and the only remotely sedate clothing was meant for cold Kansas winters , not warm San Antonio . ( it was still in the 80s there ) . Zane had some stuff , but needed shoes that weren 't bright green crocs . Both had outgrown their summer church shoes . We ended up getting Zane a sportscoat , which seemed appropriate because almost all the pictures Zach has of him and his dad has Zach in a sportscoat just like his Dads . We found some stuff on clearance for Zora ( summery , but more sedate ) . I also needed new make - up . I realized that most of my make - up was left over from my wedding . I would buy new mascara and eye liner when I needed to wear make - up , but I know the last time I tried to use the eye shadow the little sponge brushes literally disintegrated in the make up when I tried to put it on . It was time . Tuesday , I spent the morning trying , again , to find a car to rent in Wichita sooner . I was hoping for a van , but there was nothing . Mom came up and we took Zora and went shopping , and Zach stayed home with Zane , next to the phone , talking to family as plans firmed up and trying to get a car sooner because the viewing was moved to Thursday instead of Friday . Eventually , Zach got a Hertz agent to understand what was going on and they started working on their end to get a car into Wichita ASAP . We were willing to drive to surrounding towns , but Wichita was the main hub in this area for cars and nothing else was available either . We think they called down to KC and brought a van from there ( it had MO plates ) and they said they would try and get it to us by noon on Wednesday . It was clear they were pulling strings and really going the extra mile because every time they located a possible car , they would call to see if it was ok … the first was a 2 seater , but strapping the kids to the roof seemed like a bad idea . It was weird to go shopping in a rush like that , but we always feel so … I don 't know … inadequate , around that family . We always feel like the poor relatives and that feels really yucky . I know that we aren 't as dirt poor as we once were , and it shouldn 't have mattered to me ( and I am sure that it didn 't matter to them ) , but I already have to walk into that crowd as the fat one ( I hate how I look … HATE . IT . My hair is ugly , my body is ugly , and I feel so freakin ' frumpy . ) , and that couldn 't be changed in an afternoon , but at least my kids could look nice . I shouldn 't have felt that way . It was a fear that I realized was totally unfounded when I got there . Everybody was warm and welcoming and I knew instantly that nobody there cared one iota what we were wearing , they just cared that we were there . It 's weird what fears and insecurities come up when facing stuff like this though . Between the time we found out on Monday evening until Thursday night after the viewing , I had a total of * maybe * 6 hours of sleep . I found I just couldn 't sleep . I couldn 't even sleep in the van on the way there either . On Tuesday night I sent Zach to bed so he would be awake to drive and I stayed up packing . Packing was very erratic . I couldn 't make decisions and ended up packing pretty much every weather appropriate outfit we own , all of our toiletries ( including bandaids and some first aid stuff that actually came in handy ) and a very strange selection of toys for the kids . I packed snacks for the kids and even had stuff like spoons for yogurt and knives for peanut butter . I packed and packed and packed . You would think we were moving . lol . Luckily , we don 't actually own very many clothes , so it fit easily into the van . We went to Germany for two weeks with one carry - on rolling suitcase each , the computers in Zach 's briefcase , and my purse . That was it . We had enough room in them to buy several bags of stuff there and have it fit in our luggage . We left for a 4 day trip to San Antonio with enough stuff to livThe kids actually did reasonably well on the drive . Zane played his DS and Zora , somehow , managed to entertain herself with the oddball contents of her " sparkle purse " ( she puts helicopters , cars , dollhouse dolls and other odds and ends in there ) and singing at the top of her lungs . We stopped at fast food places with those play structures ( even a stand alone chick - fil - a … I had never seen one of those outside a mall , so that was odd ) and let the kids stretch their legs while we ate , and then they ate when we got back in the van . We also discovered a magical concoction of extra caffinated coffee for Zach . We rolled into San Antonio at around 3 : 30 or so , and it took several misturns to figure out how to get to the hotel . We could see it , but we couldn 't figure out how to get to it for a while . We unloaded everything and set the room up for the kids to be more comfortable because everybody was too wound up to just go to sleep . The pictures are all raw footage . I will be going through them and doing red eye corrections , etc . If you have one / some in particular that needs a bit of photoshop work , let me know and I will do that for you . I also just uploaded with the default settings . I don 't know if that means it is the original size , but if not , again , tell me and I can try again . I haven 't done this much , but I chose Walgreens because they actively support integrating autistic and developmentally delayed adults into the workplace and have a really high percentage of disabled workers . We drove straight through and arrived at 3 : 30 or so , but didn 't get settled until 4 : 30 - 5am . We got up at 8am and went down to breakfast and met up with Aunt Joyce & her husband . We are following them to the airport this afternoon to help pick up Sandy & Bob , Wright , Mead , Cady and Lauren who are all , amazingly , arriving on the same flight . About 2 hours after we pick them up is the family viewing , then we don 't know if we are going to the house , or hanging out with the family . |
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