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by Kristen ChaneyDecember 20 , 2014December 30 , 2014 So , it was another crazy year in publishing . Trade book prices came down , overall book quality ( Indie and trade ) went up in my opinion due to increased competition , and the number of books on the market skyrocketed . Of course , that 's been a trend over the last few years . Kindle Unlimited rolled out in the US and then in countries all over the world , drastically cutting book sales for many authors . I think a few have profited , but I 've seen a majority of authors saying their sales ( including borrows ) and income doing a nosedive . Yeah , publishing continues to change , and the playing field has leveled out once again , where Indies no longer have an advantage with lower prices and faster releases . All of the above is good for readers . I 'll admit I 'm happy I can get books from my favorite authors for lower prices . And , the truth is , being an author isn 't like other jobs . You don 't put in the time and schooling and then know you have a career path with steadily increasing pay . Being an artist of any kind has challenges . Authors are creatives and business people , and our books have to compete with Facebook , TV , free content , and all the other books out there . In essence , if you 're going to be an author , you have to do it because you love it . 2014 was a really great writing year for me . I pushed myself to offer something really different with each book . I took It 's All In My Head to a week long , intensive writing workshop , and it eventually became my longest work to date , and my first novel in 1st person . I just LOVE that story and the characters . Some books are harder to write , and that one had challenges , but I still smile when I think about the writing process , and remember it like a life - changing vacation . I took the lessons learned while writing that novel and started my new series . There 's a lot of mystery in Stranger in my Bed . It 's great fun to write ! I also wanted to try a different format , so I 'm using a TV episode format , where I 'm going to release novellas hopefully once every month . The entire story is much bigger than my usual novel length , too , so this format works well . I really like having smaller conflicts in each novella that will also build the overall problem . In the end , I 'll probably release a box set of the entire story . I 'm also finishing a nonfiction project - my first book about novel writing . I 've held off on offering writing advice because there 's an abundance of that there . But I haven 't seen one that covered my content . I took my notes on bestsellers and looked at lists of books that were turned into movies , and something jumped out at me . It was one of those amazing moments when a light bulb turned on and I literally stood up in amazement . This happens when I see something about my writing or writing in general , but I 've never felt my new insight was a really new insight for writers in general . This time I thought , wow , I need to share this ! So I am . Avery Waldorf wakes up from a concussion to find a voice inside her head - an adventurous male voice belonging to Marcus , who doesn 't know where he came from , but has an opinion on everything about her life . She just wants to work on her screenplay , go to her writing classes and flirt with the guy of her dreams , Nash , who is finally noticing her . Marcus wants to get up at dawn , run , snowboard , and basically take over her life , and even her body at times . He thinks she 's freaking hot and does not like Nash touching her . Marcus may be smart , talented at snowboarding , drawing and playing the guitar , but he 's not real ! When she needs help , she has to call Nash . She can 't tell anyone about Marcus without sounding like she 's crazy . Meanwhile Marcus doesn 't know where he 'll go if he leaves her mind . Maybe she is losing it … Amazon Kobo Smashwords Nook Teaser Below ! This is my longest book to date , my first time writing in first person , and my first college age romance . I 'm excited ! It was such a fun book to write , and Avery and Marcus came to life . You might remember my writing challenge : that I want to write books that different , unique , and beyond what I 've written before . This story is fun , flirty and very emotional , and full of surprises . Then , mid - class , I realized that instead of paying attention , I was looking down at my notepad , sketching instead of taking notes or even trying to listen . It took a few slow seconds for me to see that I was drawing myself . And I don 't draw . I stared in horror like it was a dead rat . Holeeee hell . Really , I can 't draw at all , and this was pretty good . Really good . I mean , it looked like me , even with expression . Worried and yet fascinated , I watched my own hand move the pencil in confident strokes , filling in my lips . When had Marcus been able to study me that much ? The only time he saw my face was when I looked in the mirror . Speaking of my face , it got hot - for several reasons . First , I was drawing myself . I 'd die if anyone noticed . Second , it blew up some of my theories about Marcus , or what was causing all this . If I can 't draw , I can 't make up a person who can , right ? And third , he was drawing me in a certain mood . I looked … suggestive . I 've had an amazing journey with this novel . The story came together so easily , and I wrote the first draft in two months . Some stories I can see clearly while others take more effort to bring into focus , and this one just pulled together like magic . ( I think that happens when the plot has inherent conflict and I have a good feel for each character and what they want . ) I spent another month going through the story before sending it to my editor . Editing takes about a month as well . I was so excited to share the story with my readers , and I published the book in June . Then Montlake Romance emailed in early August , and here we are on the Montlake Romance release day ! I received my author copies a few weeks ago , and I found myself flipping through and reading the story . After going through the publishing process twice this year , you 'd think I 'd be tired of it . Instead , it 's just the opposite . I can fall into the story just by opening the paperback or the Kindle version . ( I got both just to see them . ) And in case you 're wondering , or waiting for my next book , I 'm still writing ! I 'm finishing the first draft of Costa Rica and working on a newer project called In a Field of Oranges . I 'll share more about those in the next few months . After his Navy career came to an end , Trey became an EMT in his hometown of Coos Bay , Oregon . He struggles with PTSD , which affects his ability to do his job and connect with his family . His wife seems to be living life without him . Rosette can 't figure out what happened to her marriage , or to Trey - the man she once loved so desperately . It feels like she 'll lose everything along with him . Meanwhile , he 's enclosed in his own world without her . Their marriage is on its last legs when their family is faced with two deaths and an orphan . They 're already raising two young children and Trey 's teenage brother , Alex . Trey and Rosette make a shaky agreement to play " family " for now so they can take care of Trey 's recently orphaned niece . But can faking it ever be enough ? Every girl dreams of a wedding … Trent knows that , and he wants Molly to have the wedding of a lifetime . She 's the love of his life and means everything to him . They eloped before she lost her memory and disappeared , and then they lost four years , so he wants to make up for that lost time in a huge way . Now that they 're reunited , he wants to celebrate their love in front of their family and friends . It 's the happiest time of her life … but thinking of a wedding brings up all kinds of emotions . Molly 's not sure how to handle things at first ! But not only is Trent there for her , he 's bringing in reinforcements . Can she love him if she can 't remember him ? Molly Anderson returns " home " to a town she doesn 't remember , hoping it will spark a memory . She runs into Trent Williams , a Ridge City police detective , and something else definitely sparks . He wants to know why she left town , with her parents , but without a word to anyone . She doesn 't remember that life . She can only tell him she knew her parents briefly before they died . . . or were murdered , she 's not sure . She hopes regaining her memory will help answer that question . Trent has his own secrets , but they have a mystery to solve . As they work together and Molly meets their old friends , she realizes their relationship went deeper than memories . In fact , she grew up in Ridge City , even though her parents had said they lived there just a few years . How could she have forgotten her lifelong friend and love ? Can she love him again if she doesn 't remember him ? There 's also the possibility that she did something awful - and maybe that 's why she 's afraid to remember her old life . After an IED brought his Navy career to an end , Trey became an EMT in his hometown of Coos Bay , Oregon . He struggles with PTSD , which affects his ability to do his job and connect with his family . His wife seems to be living life without him . Rosette can 't figure out what happened to her marriage , or to Trey - the man she once so desperately loved . It feels like she 'll lose everything along with him . Meanwhile , he 's enclosed in his own world without her . Their marriage is on its last legs when their family is faced with two deaths and an orphan . They 're already raising two young children and Trey 's teenage brother , Alex . Trey and Rosette make a shaky agreement : to play " family " for now so they can take care of Trey 's recently orphaned niece . But can faking it ever be enough ? I 'm so excited to share my latest novel with you - this is my biggest story yet . Point Hope is my longest novel , has a larger cast and more point of views . I so enjoyed working with the different people in the story , from the main couple Trey and Rosette , to teenager Alex and troubled Summer . Several characters came to life and made the writing even more fun . It was an emotional journey , too , as writing all novels are . Rosette awoke to the faint sound of Trey 's cell phone ringing downstairs . Funny how a mother wakes to the quietest noise , even a soft newborn cough . Thank the good Lord they were past those early years with the kids . She rolled over in bed to squint at the alarm clock . It was midnight . Who would be calling him so late ? It didn 't sound like he 'd answered it , but he could be returning the call . Rosette sat up , feeling alternating chills and waves of heat , as she feathered out the suspicions creeping in . Did he think they 'd already severed their tie , and he was now free to talk to other women ? " It 's Amanda . She has you and Trey down as her emergency contacts . We just brought her into the ER . We need you here right away . I tried Trey and couldn 't get him . Is he there ? " A momentary relief sank through her , warm and comforting . Of course Amanda was just in labor . Why hadn 't she thought of that ? Because Harry sounded … " I don 't know . Harry called and said she 's in the ER , and we need to get there right away . " Christian Kane is an amazing actor and guy . I am so impressed with what he puts into his acting . It looks easy when you watch the final project , but it 's hard work , physically and mentally . Dale Comstock , American hero , Delta Force and actor , has a book coming out soon . He 's also in my next book project called Delta Moms . It 'll be a story for every woman that 's ever wanted to kick ass ! We were walking in downtown Portland with Paul Bernard and suddenly someone barreled through with a bike helmet on and kept going . He wasn 't even on a bike ! Apparently a Portlandia fan spotted him ! Trey and Rosette Sinclair were once in love . Now they both feel hurt and unwanted . Their marriage is on its last legs when their family is faced with two deaths and an orphan . They 're already raising two young children and Trey 's teenage brother , Alex . After an IED brought his Navy career to an end , Trey became an EMT in his hometown of Coos Bay , Oregon . He struggles with PTSD , which affects his ability to do his job and connect with his family . His wife seems to be living life without him . Rosette is the mother hen and friend to all . She can 't figure out what happened to her marriage , or to Trey - the man she once so desperately loved . It feels like she 'll lose everything along with him . Meanwhile , he 's enclosed in his own world without her . Trey had wanted the chocolate lab , but Ricky had begged and pleaded for the yellow one . It was a girl to boot , and Trey had wanted a boy dog . A boy like them . But his younger brother had fallen in love with that yellow lab , with her imploring brown puppy eyes , silky soft fur , and tiny pink tongue that licked them both . Marked them both , apparently . Even at that age , Ricky was a people person and knew how to be persuasive . It took just a flash of his little - boy smile , a tilt of his head , and his , " Aw , come on , Trey . " So Trey had given in and let Ricky pick their new puppy , denying - of course - that Ricky had pushed him into it . There had been something special about the way Ricky had looked at that tiny dog and the gentle way he 'd held her . A noise startled Trey , and he slipped the small photo back into his shirt pocket . He looked up as Rosette walked into their home office , noticing it took her a few steps to see him silently sitting in the brown leather chair in the corner . They 'd been sharing the office , one person coming in when the other was out . The room had her mark all over it . She 'd painted the walls a soft seafoam green . Her pictures and notes for their family history book were spread across their old oak desk . Her light purple sweater was slung over the armchair in the other corner - they 'd picked out his - and - her chairs together a good six years ago . His sole decorating contribution was a large , framed photo of the Cape Arago Lighthouse , with the ocean and fiery sunset behind it , which he 'd taken himself . Her dark hair was swept over one shoulder and cascaded down , looking like it wanted to curl . That was the usual state of it : doing what it wanted while she always tried to brush it straight . She wasn 't wearing makeup , and her crisp blue eyes and dark lashes looked stark in her pale face . He watched her slack expression stiffen . " Oh . " Her body tensed and she paused , ready to turn around , but something stopped her . Maybe his expression , but more likely it was the new awkwardness they both felt around each other . They hadn 't spoken in several days , except when the kids were present . He sucked in a breath as if she 'd kicked him in the stomach . The pain was so fresh , raw , alive . " Thanks for that , " he managed . " I was sitting here thinking about tomorrow . " He preferred to say tomorrow instead of the funeral . She gave a weak nod , a half nod really , unsure of what to say . When Trey had learned his brother had been killed in action in Afghanistan , he 'd wanted to go to her . Maybe he had . That day was hazy in his mind now . He had wanted to run to her so many times in the days since , but the reality of their situation came back , again and again , like a paper cut popping open . You can almost forget a paper cut until it gets pulled open and the pain shoots back , just like the cut now ripping across his heart . They were still living under this roof together only because Ricky 's death had interrupted their plans . She fidgeted . They both knew they should talk about them - the divorce - but it was the worst possible timing . He saw the tension in her drawn mouth , the darkness to her eyes , the way she twisted her fingers together . Finally , he said , " We can put everything aside until after the funeral . We can do that , can 't we ? It 's not like we haven 't lived together for ten years . We can handle a few more days . " Almost ten years , he mentally corrected himself . Their anniversary was coming up this summer , but it might not mean anything by then . She didn 't answer , and he wondered if she thought his words were yet another jab aimed at her . Honestly , he wasn 't trying to hurt her . It was actually rather ironic - a week ago they 'd been stabbing each other with words , and now he was afraid of hurting her . She nodded without looking at him , then shrugged . He thought she was looking at the family pictures on the wall to avoid him , but suddenly he realized she really was looking at them , remembering their lives . She glanced over to say , " I was thinking the same thing . Why do a double whammy to the kids ? " The kids . For Christ 's sake , how could they do this at all to their kids , and to Alex , his little brother ? Trey choked down any response to that . Their kids , Candice and Jake , were so young they might not really understand all this , but his brother Alex was fifteen . This had been Alex 's home and family since he was barely walking . He had lost his parents once , and now he 'd be losing another set all over again . This is all my fault . " Okay . " She turned to leave but paused in the doorway . Looking over her shoulder , but not directly at him , she added , " We 'll tell the kids afterwards . " Afterwards . The word hung there like a fragile glass ball , waiting to fall and shatter . As much as he dreaded his brother 's funeral , now he dreaded the afterwards even more . Ricky was already dead . And Trey 's marriage wasn 't in the ground yet - it just seemed like it . But he hoped it was still gasping ; he was not quite ready to give up the fight . After Rosette left the room , he couldn 't sit in the office any longer . It had begun to feel more like her office than theirs . Sometimes it felt more like her house and her life , and he was just there by accident . She 'd painted the kitchen a bright , warm yellow and the living room a light coral . He had never minded , but now he found himself looking around for even a tiny glimpse of his mark on their home . On his way through the kitchen , he paused and told Rosette , " I 'm going for a walk . " Were you supposed to tell your soon - to - be ex - wife that you were leaving the house ? What was the protocol for this ? He could have left without saying anything , but that felt rude after she had made an effort just minutes ago . He barely looked at her , but it was long enough to see the fall of her face and the hurt in her eyes . Even with a divorce on the horizon , they had two young children and a teenager to care for , and she expected him to do his part . He was home from work for a few days due to his brother 's death , and the funeral was tomorrow . He went out the back , which just as easily could have been the front because it faced the ocean . His little brother - and only remaining sibling - Alex was coming up the path from the beach . " Hey , Trey . " He had an easy smile , which baffled Trey . Alex took a lickin ' and kept on tickin ' . Maybe he was trying to make the rest of them feel better ? Alex shrugged . " Okay , fine , I guess . " They stood in silence for a minute before Alex added , " Are you and Rosette doing okay ? With all this , I mean . " That last part seemed to cover for something . Had Alex noticed how he and Rosette had hardly spoken this week ? Trey shrugged and then felt bad for the vague answer . " Things are going to be okay . " Alex offered a weak smile and headed inside . The kid needed a haircut . His almost - black hair was curling this way and that , down past his eyebrows and over his ears . That would irk their dad to no end if Jonathan Trevor Sinclair II were still alive . As it was , Trey was raising the youngest of the Sinclair boys , and he couldn 't tell if he was doing a good job or not . He sure hadn 't done right by Ricky . Maybe he shouldn 't be leaving . He slowed his step and then heard the back door shut . Oh well . Alex had Rosette to talk to , and they seemed to connect better anyway . Trey walked across the yard to the rough wooden stairs leading down to Lighthouse Beach . They had a private beach in front of the line of neighboring houses , secluded from the rest of the coastline with Yoakum Point to their north and the Cape Arago Lighthouse on the south side , perched proudly where the land jutted out . He enjoyed walking in their cove , or even further to Bastendorff Beach , if he wanted to walk around the bend . " Trey , I 'm so sorry . Is there anything I can do ? Anything at all ? If you need to talk or anything , I 'm right next door . " It was tempting . He went as far as to look over at her house before shaking his head . " I need to walk awhile and clear my head . " Leena just nodded , looking disappointed . Pouty might be a better word . She had naturally light brown hair but added bleach - blond and red highlights , and curled the ends . The added colors changed often . She was always too tan for the Oregon coast and wore lipstick that was a shade too bright . Her overall appearance made him think of the girls on the magazine covers in the grocery store . " Snooki " or some name like that came to mind . Suddenly , her face brightened . " I could come with you . " Her enthusiasm for him always left him confused , kind of flattered but overlaid with guilt . He had a perfectly valid reason to want her company right now , but he just couldn 't do it . " I 'm sorry , Leena , I want to go alone . " He stepped back . It took great willpower not to glance back at his house for any parted curtains . Trey headed down the stairs to the beach , where he always ended up . Always escaping , he thought . Today he wanted to get away from death . His brother 's death . His marriage 's death . He wanted to get away from his mixed feelings about Leena . He didn 't think any of those thoughts would have invaded his mind without her flirting . It wasn 't like he 'd been having sexual fantasies about her . Instead he found himself thinking about her company - just talking with someone without all the complexity of his other relationships . From down on the beach , he could see his renovated farmhouse up on the hill , its warm yellow glinting through the trees . Leena 's house was mostly hidden from this viewpoint . He tried picturing a different life , but it was fuzzy . Yet that was the reality : his brother was gone , his wife was probably leaving him after the funeral , and he might lose his family home . Trey had no idea how he 'd even gotten to this point , so he turned his attention back to the physical world around him , something that didn 't slip away . It was a quiet spring day , calm for the beach , with not too many people around . Of course , the beach was big enough that you could be alone even with other people around . The colorless sky was thinking about raining , with gray clouds that lightened toward the horizon . But he had the feeling it 'd hold off for a while . The water called to him today . Sometimes he meandered along the inland edge of the beach , close to the Scotch broom growing profusely on the bank , but today he headed straight down toward the ocean . The tide was in , so he didn 't have nearly as far to walk . He always viewed the mighty Pacific as having a rugged , rough , unforgiving beauty - like his life . He thought of his wife and wondered , yet again , why he didn 't feel in love with her . Back in high school and the first year in the Navy , he was ready to tackle life . Everything waited for him . She waited for him . And he came back home and romanced Rosette . They had grown up together here , but when he came home and saw her , it was love at first sight for both of them . All the excitement had faded since then , during his time treating wounded Marines . He 'd seen the ugly side of life and what people can do to other people . Then , when he was counting down months until he 'd get out , he was wounded . They were close by when an IED took out one Marine and wounded another . The shock . Even as a Corpsman , it was still an awful shock to see someone 's flesh opened up , torn apart … He 'd reached a point where he saw it and put the shock away for later . They 'd had to in order to stay calm and treat the wounded . That 's exactly what they were doing with a second IED triggered . Hot metal ripped all through him . But he was one of the lucky ones . He was so close to the blast that it gave him a concussion , knocking him unconscious . A gift from heaven in that situation . He 'd finally healed on the outside . Only scars remained now : white tears in his skin , like tally marks . Maybe he had one for each life that was lost under his team 's care . Salty wind blew sand into his face as he hiked around the rocky bend to Bastendorff Beach . You learn to live with the taste of salt on your lips on the Oregon coast . It was home to him . At least that wouldn 't change . The rest of his life was another story . Within the span of two seconds , her face went from shock , horror , and hurt to plain angry . She 'd turned on her heel and left the room in three steps . It was late afternoon , and the kids were home from school . Rosette might have been hiding in their bedroom or taking a bath ; he wasn 't sure , so he made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the kids and sat at the counter with them , talking about their day . It was perfectly normal and routine except that everything was falling apart inside him . When he 'd heard her moving around upstairs , he kissed the kids on the head and told them he had to run some errands . He waited until eleven that night to come home and slept on the couch . She woke him up in the morning by standing at the far end of the couch , where his feet were uncomfortable wedged against the armrest , staring at him . Now he couldn 't figure out which end was the carriage and which was the horse . Did she want a divorce before he had asked ? Or did he plant the idea ? Did she really want to split up ? Did he ? She had walked away after her declaration . He got up , showered , and tried to eat breakfast so he could talk to her without getting too upset . It seemed to him , even though they were to this point , that they should discuss it rationally . So he 'd found her sitting in the office , staring at the papers and pictures on the desk . He stopped in the doorway and leaned on the doorjamb . She turned her head a bit toward him but didn 't look at him . Apparently it was his job to begin . The phone rang , startling them both , but they ignored it until it stopped ringing . A couple seconds passed , and his cell phone rang in the other room . He debated if he should answer it for too long , and it stopped . " Honey , calm down . " He met Rosette 's gaze . She could hear the wailing over the phone too . " Amanda , just take a breath , okay ? And tell me what happened . We 'll walk through it together . " Trey stopped at the end of the jetty , startled to find himself there . For the life of him , he couldn 't remember turning onto the jetty in the first place . The ocean moved on both sides of him , slapping the rocks . It was time to turn around , or past time , but he kept watching the waves reach up and the sunlight turn the water green ; then each wave would crash with magnificent anger onto the sand . Rosette paused in the middle of the walk - in closet , looking down at the dusty suitcase . She 'd walked in here at least ten times and stared at it , thinking about picking it up and packing . That was before they 'd gotten the call about Ricky , of course . Once that happened , she knew she couldn 't just up and leave . But who was she kidding ? There was no way she could simply pack a suitcase and solve things . What would she do , pack up the kids and take them with her ? Leave them here with Trey ? How would she explain all this to them in the first place ? She batted a tear off her cheek and set her mouth . This wasn 't a time for weakness . Instead of giving into the tears and the urge to crawl into bed and hide , she impatiently pulled her black suit off the hanger and got dressed for the funeral . When she left the bedroom , the house was quiet . No TV . No fighting kids . No teenager talking on the phone . The silence gave her the heebie - jeebies . She wondered if everyone was outside , but as she walked down the hallway , she saw Candice and Jake playing together in Jake 's room , dressed in the church clothes she 'd laid out last night for them . Even with the door open , they weren 't making any noise . Though Candice was seven and Jake was five , they were the same size . Jake wasn 't overly tall for his five years , but Candice had always been small because she was born early . With the same dark hair , they looked like twins . Watching them made her heart warm with love and pride , but it was tinged with the pain of knowing the recent deaths had already eroded their innocence , and now she was thinking about splitting apart their family . Rosette had painted Jake 's room blue , and Trey had picked out the sports - themed accents . It 'd really touched her when Trey had joined in and taken such a big part in decorating . Candice had a light pink room , dotted with Precious Moments figures , but she would have probably preferred an outdoor theme , if she 'd picked it out herself . Rosette hadn 't planned on such a free - spirited , nature child - not that she 'd change her daughter for anything . She didn 't pause long enough in the doorway to see what kind of game they were playing . There was a jumble of action figures and Barbie dolls on the bedroom floor . Somehow they knew to get along today . They didn 't notice her , so she left them alone and started for the stairs . She found Alex downstairs , sitting on the sofa in the living room , bent over with his elbows on his knees , his face in his hands . He was staring at the big window , but he wasn 't looking at the view of the ocean . He wasn 't even there , not mentally . Trey was nowhere to be seen . Must be nice to be numb all the time . She was drowning in emotion and felt pulled away from the kids and Alex , and certainly Trey . How could she help any of them while falling apart herself ? They had an hour till the funeral . She poured another cup of coffee , stared at the breakfast dishes , and thought about all the things they 'd need to do later today and this week . Well , at least a list was something she could manage . This could have been any Saturday on the calendar , but this one would stick in Trey 's mind for a very long time . The rain still hadn 't come , as if the sky were holding its breath along with him . What they were waiting for , he wasn 't sure . There wasn 't going to be a phone call announcing that it was all a mistake , that Ricky was alive and well . Trey and Rosette sat on the padded church pew with Candice and Jake between them . Alex sat on Trey 's other side , looking down . They surrounded Amanda along with her close friends . Summer , Amanda 's sister , sat rigidly on her right side . The two looked so much alike with their golden hair and sweet faces . They didn 't both inherit the same sweet personality , however . Summer might as well have been named Trouble . Not that Trey 's life was perfect , not by a long shot , and he hated passing judgment on people . He might not be a hellraiser , but he was on the brink of letting everyone down . Maybe he already had . As far as he knew , no one else was aware of their marriage problems and especially not the recent divorce development . That almost didn 't matter today . He and Ricky had always been rivals . Trey was the firstborn , Jonathan Trevor Sinclair the third , so his little brother had always felt second best . It wasn 't the truth . Sometimes Trey felt like he had to be upstanding and responsible while Ricky got to be fun . Ricky was contagious - people inherently liked him . Trey and Ricky were teenagers when their parents had had a surprise third baby . Their brother Alex was almost like a nephew to them . Life was good until their mom died . Later they lost their dad too . He 'd give anything to have his parents here with them . On the other hand , it 'd break both his parents ' hearts to lose Ricky and to hear how Trey 's life was turning out . Maybe it was a blessing that Mom and Dad weren 't here for this . Trey had joined the Navy because he wanted something different . Now he couldn 't say what that was , but he 'd wanted to go off somewhere . His grandfather and father both had been in the Coast Guard , and everyone was proud of that tradition . Then , Ricky had followed Trey 's lead of doing something else and joined the Marines . He could still hear his mother telling them , " But the Coast Guard doesn 't go off to war ! They serve here at home , keeping people safe . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Tag : blog Tired I 'm not really physically tired . I am mentally tired . I feel like I fighting an uphill battle that I have been losing for so long . . I wish that I could go back in time . I know that I probably mentioned that before , but I really mean it . The place I am in life is almost like everything I wouldn 't want to be at this age . Each day is so fast , and a lot of days I don 't remember due to blacking out from alcohol , or passing out from alcohol , or just being a dumb alcoholic . I have been doing better with my alcohol intake . I still drink a lot but I haven 't been getting as trashed as I did in the past . I guess it 's baby steps for me . I don 't really sit there and think about it all day or all night if I don 't have any . Then , I will reward myself by drinking . When I drink I picture myself dying . I don 't know why it has this negative effect on me . I imagine that is something that runs in my blood . My uncle ( father 's brother ) was very into drugs and alcohol at a young age . He is still living , but he is living in prison for murdering his lover . What if that is going to be me ? I become so incredibly violent when I drink . I fear that I will wake up in a cell , and never leave again . I fear that this is my life . I fear it and I live in constant fear . I don 't know why I can 't change . It might be because I don 't have the willpower . I pray that I am not mentally ill and I just won 't ever get better . I hope this is the little moment in my life where I have lost myself so completely but I am going to find myself again . I have been stuck in this place for almost 3 years . Even before alcohol , I had issues . I was always depressed , crying in the shower , cutting myself , burning myself , trying to lose weight , and wanting to wake up and become someone else . The worst part of it all is that I sit here day after day waiting to get better . I wait for someone to make my life better and for all of this to make sense . It isn 't . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on June 12 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , depression , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Tired Losing My Mind Well , waking up in a hospital without your phone , in blue paper scrubs , and surrounded by at least 30 people in a big room is not the right way to wake up . The first worry that morning was that I was stuck and I finally was were I was supposed to be . Well , I was in the part of the hospital that people made jokes about . You guessed it , I was in the pysch ward . I got up and waddled to the guard who was watching all of us . " Can I have my phone ? " I asked him . He was extremely cute . He was tall , dark blue eyes , and dark hair . He had a cute little gap between his teeth . And , I couldn 't believe I was standing in front of this cute boy in blue paper scrubs . Without a bra . And my hair was a mess . He shook his head . I asked if he could walk me outside to smoke a cigarette . Nope . I walked back to my bed and looked around . I was stuck with the crazy people . I was the crazy people . A lot of people laid in their beds . Some , cried . Cried for oxygen because he couldn 't breath . One was calling me " pretty girl " . Another one was screaming at the staff . Another , walking around in a blanket and staring at everyone like we were the answer to life . If you aren 't crazy or think you are go ahead and spend 15 minutes here . You will believe you are crazy . Being held under medical care was probably one of the most frustrating things of my life . I was brought into this huge room and asked for the doctor over and over again . I wanted to go home . I had to be at work by 3 and it was 8 a . m . I was going to sue the place . I was going to walk out . " Don 't act like a donkey , again . " One of the floor techs told me . Why was I being held ? How did I get out ? What were my legal rights ? Where the fuck was my doctor ? Why did I have to wait so fucking long to see him or her ? Why were my nurses prescribing me xanax to calm down ? Why am I in this fucking room with 30 other crazy patients ? Finally , after asking 10 times , the nurse came and asked me a million questions . Did I want to die ? Did I do drugs ? Why did I feel the need to drink ? Why was I so violent last night ? Why did I escape the hospital and go missing for over 5 hours ? Why did I threaten to kill myself ? Why was I here ? Have I ever been diagnosed with any mental disorders ? Was I abused ? I wanted to die because I was numb ! I have no more fucking feelings anymore ! I felt the need to drink because that is the one thing that can make me feel alive . I was violent because you crazy people strapped me down to a bed and I screamed until they finally knocked me out with drugs ! I escaped because I wanted to drink more . I mean I was being held against my will anyways . I wanted to die , duh . I wanted to die . I have anxiety . Yes , in fact , sexually and physical . You 're point . Can I go home now ? My sister wanted to go shopping for cars . I was living in a 2 bedroom trailer with 9 people and 2 dogs . My fucking bedroom was in the living room , my bed was literally in the living , and I shared it with my sister . I was working a barely above minimum paying job , and I was stressed out beyond you 're imagination . It was August , and it was hot out , and I also lived in South Carolina . I was excited to go car shopping with my sister . I took at least 4 Xanaxs before we left the house . By the time we hit town , I was buying alcohol . Let 's remember it was only 1 p . m . I was fucked up . And , well , I didn 't care . We went to car place after car place . I was starting to black out at this point . I was stumbling in places , and I was making a joke of myself . I always did that . I can still do that , but I think that it must be a magic power , and that is to look like such a joke . I remember they fixed my car 's air conditioning . I was sitting in the car . I starting crying to my sister . I told her that I didn 't feel like life was worth it , anymore . There was no more purpose in life . Somedays , okay almost everyday , I thought of killing myself . I did not what to live anymore . I remember crying and I was fucked up in the middle of the day . I went on and on . While she was being her first car , I was complaining about my stupid life . We waited for papers . I cried . And cried . I was so fucked up by those little pills and those couple of drinks . I always had to ruin everything . Everywhere I went , I brought tears and drama . My life was so hard , but maybe it was harder for the people who were watching my pathetic tragedy . I was the pathetic tragedy . By the time I got home , my sister took my mom for a ride in her new car , and I was waiting on the steps for police to escort me to the hospital . My sister came home and told me the cops were coming because I was acting suicidal all day . I heard the sirens coming . I watched the cop come up to my car were I was laughing and making a fool out of myself . My mom , my sister , my dad , my nieces , my friends , my neighbors , my aunt and uncle , and whoever else was there that I remember , watched the cop and the EMT 's threaten me . I either got in the ambulance with them or I got handcuffed and brought to the hospital . Either way , it was legal because the cop heard me say I wanted to die . I decided to ride in the ambulance . I called the paramedic a bitch . I laughed in the cops face . I waved at him as he escorted the ride behind . It was all a joke . It was a joke as they all escorted me into the hospital and it was a joke when I had to want in the intake area to see if I was on drugs and to see if I had to stay . I watched crazy people coming into the same area I was in . I seen a young man in a wheelchair shaking his head back and forth and screaming . A nurse drew my blood . I acted nice , and I let her do it . When she turned her back , I ran , and I ran like hell . Right past other patients , right past the staff and nurses , and right outside . I ran out of the hospital , past the security , past the highway , past the long grassy area that went on for miles , I just kept on running . I didn 't even know where I was going . I didn 't even live in this area . All I know was that I had my credit card . I had enough to buy some beer and cigarettes . I would fill in the blanks from there . It was probably about 6 p . m . when I ran away . I went to a small gas station and I got a couple beers . I took my beers to a bus station . And , I hung out there . I sang to myself . I sang hymns I knew from a child . I grew up singing and I grew up wanting to be a singer . When I drink , I sing . And I sang , as people came up to me and talked to me . The bus driver asked me who I was . I said I ran from the hospital . He laughed and drove away . He told me his daughter was my age , and he told me to be safe . I laughed as he drove off . I might be dead . If that is safe . I literally remember thinking that to myself . A man I met , told me his father was in the nursing home I worked at . He grabbed my butt . He stroked my back , and he tried to kiss me . He was probably in his early 50 's . I was to drunk to comprehend what was happening . He ran off , and I stayed there drunk . I hope he realized what he was doing was fucked up beyond any comprehension . Finally , I had enough . I crawled onto a busy road , and I laid there . I waited for someone to find me . Finally , a van came and slammed on their brakes when they seen that I was laying the middle of the road . " Honey ? Where are you supposed to be ? Why are you laying the middle of the street ? You could have been hit ! " They were freaking out . I was laughing . Before they came , I was closing my eyes and pretending I was dead . They brought me to the gas station and immediately called 911 . The worker there told me I could have anything there . The cops came . I tried to escape , but honestly I was too drunk . I got handcuffed for the first time in my life . And , I was put in the back of the police car . I cried to them , and I begged them not to take me to that horrible hospital . I cried and pleaded . They didn 't really say much of anything . I just remember being hysterical on the whole ride back to the hospital . How did I end up in the same position that I was in hours before ? Turns out that there was an amber alert for my drunk ass . When I left the hospital , they notified my family , and sent it out . People where actually looking for me while I sang to myself in a stupid bus station . My sister , my mom , and my friends sent out messages to everyone I knew asking if they knew where I was . I was wandering the city and I was suicidal and crazy and they were probably worried . They brought me back to that dumb intake area . And I fought , like hell . I was punching , hitting , kicking , spitting , screaming , and acting like they were trying to kill me . It took at least 6 people to strap me down into the bed . I screamed for what seemed like forever . Finally , she came in with a shot , and whatever was in that shot knocked me out . I told her she was a cunt as she stabbed me in the arm with whatever drug . She smiled , and told me it was okay . Bless her ability not to spit back in my face . I woke the next morning with the entire staff making sure I wouldn 't do what I did the night before . I woke up in blue scrubs . I woke up around crazy people . I woke up sharing a bathroom with 30 or 40 other people . We had to have our blood pressure taken around the clock , I had to be supervised . I had to take on the phone in front of the staff . I couldn 't be left alone . I felt like a prisoner . I felt like this was the worst of the worst . I just was glad that people were actually there to supervise me . I was only held for 2 nights or one and a half days . Which ever way you looked at it . Personally , it was 2 nights , 2 days , and I remember every second . Every smell . Every meal . Every nurse . The doctor . The guards . My small bed . I will never forget those 2 days and 2 nights . They diagnosed me with anxiety disorder . I already could have told you I had that . When I went to sign out , my phone was missing . I have no idea where I dropped it . My mom , my dad , and my friend picked me up . I felt like I was getting out of prison . The truth is everyday , I am searching for that reason . The first thing I picture is my little sister . The person who is my rock in more ways than one . I picture my dad . I picture my little brother . I picture my friends , and distant relatives . I keep going . I keep trying . I am literally living for others . Maybe , that is what life is about . Finally , realizing that you are here for more reasons than just yourself . That is why I am here . For more reasons than my own . I pray to God to forgive me , and somehow I feel a little bit more strength to get through another day . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on April 5 , 2017April 5 , 2017Tags addiction , alcoholic , blog , death , family , friends , God , healing , hospital , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , strength , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Losing My Mind Slowly It 's not like I ever meant to develop a problem . One day , I was 14 years old and camping with a friend and her family . It was the first time I ever got drunk . I remember feeling like I could do anything , I could say anything , and it was funny . I could have confidence . I could make new friends , and nobody could really judge me right ? Because I was drunk . I ran through the campgrounds screaming , trying to crawl in the water , I tried hugging everyone I seen . It was the best night of my life . After that night , I learned that I loved alcohol . If I got alcohol , I had to get as drunk as I could , and I had to be the most intoxicated out of everyone else . That was always my goal . At that point , I was on top of the world , and nothing could stop me . I spent my teen years searching for any chance to drink . Usually , it involved friend 's parents who didn 't care that we drank . I used people at such a young age for something that was destructing my life . I still remember my first high school dance that I went to . My mom brought me to the dress store in town . I remember walking by as a little girl and admiring all the pretty dresses . I always thought one day I could by a dress from there . At 16 , I finally did ! It was light blue . I had to get it altered to fit me . My chest is busty and well that always made things hard to fit . I curled my hair , I did my make - up , and my friends all came over so we could take pictures together . It was 4 of us . They were all my best friends and they begged me to come with . I always refused to go to dances because I never felt pretty and I always felt fat . I remember my friend telling me that I looked gorgeous . And , we all agreed we were going to get fucked up after . We ended up drinking in my friend 's basement . Her parents had a bar and they left us have a couple of drinks . It ended up me and my best friend taking so many shots that we could barely walk . I remember my friend 's mom thinking it was funny and everyone laughing . We were having so much fun . It all changed when they were ready for bed . My best friend and I walked in and out of their house at least 20 times . She had a huge family and they could hear us laughing , falling , and trying to be quiet . We ended up smoking all of my other friend 's cigarettes and we actually made out . We were just goofing off . The next morning , we were asked to leave . They did not want us there . My friend and I walked over a mile to find a phone so my dad could pick us up . That was the first time that I ruined a night with my drinking . What was supposed to be a fun night turned out to be a night I just ruined , and the pattern followed me . I was always creating trouble , and I thought I was just creating memories that people would laugh about later . Instead , I was creating enemies . I just loved to be black out drunk . I would encourage my mom to buy us drinks . She would say one and I would have 12 . She would buy wine , let me have a cup , and I would finish the entire glass of it . I would walk around the streets drunk , blacked out , no clue where I was going , and it didn 't matter because it was fun . I drank on Christmas night after I turned 21 . I decided it was not going to be a good night unless I was drunk . It was never a good night unless I was drunk . I feel like I couldn 't even enjoy people 's company and I couldn 't be myself . Anyways , on Christmas , I drank almost a whole bottle of liquor . I invited a friend over . My dad begged me not to drink that night , " Tomorrow , I will go to AA . " I said laughing and running up the stairs with my friend . Funny thing is , it took me two years to actually go . I ended up blacking out , heading my head on the toilet in the bathroom , and I broke the toilet . I do remember that I laid in the shower crying while the water ran on me . That was a pattern . My family listening to me crying and crying while I was drunk . One night , I got so drunk that I decided I was going to get out of the house in the middle of the night and just walk . I would go to the bridge that connected Wisconsin and Michigan , and I would jump . It was probably right around that Christmas . I can not remember if it was before or after . I never did leave . I wrote the note , though . I fell asleep on my closet floor , crying of course , and after taking a couple sleeping pills . I always thought that it was going to numb that pain . Instead , it created more pain . It created pain for my family and friends and this was only the beginning before I even moved down south . I became a burden to everyone . Drinking to me now is like playing a game with death . Now , in the present . I have been hospitalized twice since last September . I took an ambulance 4 times . I have been rushed to the ER by family . I 'm scared to drink . I just keep telling myself that if I drink today , I might be dead tomorrow . I try to scare myself . I don 't want to be another girl from my small town who killed herself . Who everyone pities and wishes they would have done something . The truth is no matter what anyone does or says I am the only person in control and nothing will change that . I am in control . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 30 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , destruction , family , friends , healing , life , personal , self harm , story , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Slowly Leaving I moved from norther Michigan to the south almost 2 years ago . I thought that it was going to be a really good change . I had to leave a lot of friends and I was going to be with my family , again . My mom took a train to come get us . She does not do well under pressure or something . She was so upset that we did not finish packing up our apartment . And , a few days before that I found out that I had gotten that STD ( it was curable ) . I was so stressed and even contemplating moving down there . All my friends begged me not to go because they all know what my mother is like . But , I insisted on moving . We only had my little white car to bring us to our new home . My mom had left her stuff behind with us . The only reason my mom , my dad , and my brother left was because we were evicted from our house that we lived in for a year . They stopped paying the bills , and I stopped caring about helping them . I gave up at this point . They had burned every bridge in this small town with different landlords , the electric company , and even other people . They would have not been able to find a home . So , they left us and moved down south to live in a trailer on my second uncle 's property . Anyways , they left their stuff with us in the apartment and we had to fit just our stuff in the car . My mom came to just get what she could of hers in the car . That was her secret mission . And , she had flipped shit when she realized my sister and I just wanted our stuff in the car ! She is crazy , I told you that , but she is really crazy . She was throwing stuff around , complaining , and getting in fights with one of my best friends . She was screaming , " Shut the fuck up " over and over again at my friend . My friend thought it was the funniest thing in the world . She was just there to spend time with us and help us pack everything before we left . This was the same friend that I burned all the seats in her car from the trip at Lake Michigan . I had my friend get me out of the apartment . She took to me to her house and I chugged a beer . I was so stressed about moving . Did I really want to move there ? When I got back to the apartment , my mom was still throwing her fit . Finally , I took a water bottle that I had , threw it down and screamed , " You are a fucking cunt ! " It got pretty quiet , and I went and locked myself in the bathroom where I had to try to calm myself down . All while , my friend , my sister , and my mom where fighting in the other room . " You both should have just stayed here ! I wish I never came ! " I heard my mom yelling . All of the neighbors downstairs , who were also the landlords , were listening to everything that was happening . We had just that day to get out . I just went in sat in my beat up white car with the doors locked . It was like I was in another world and like I couldn 't move , I couldn 't think , and I just wanted to go back in time where I agreed upon moving there . She followed me outside where she was pounding on the windows and screaming for me to get out . She threatened to break the windows and pop the tires . It was like I was frozen though and I didn 't want to move and to deal with her . Sometimes , I imagine hitting her over and over again . That is such a horrible thing to say about your own mother . But , she honestly will drive anyone to that point . Finally , we packed up all my happiness and threw a lot of stuff away . I was going to miss this place so much , and all the memories I had to such a short time . I really grew accustomed to living here . It was one of the best times of my life , and I wish that I could take it back . I spent a long time realizing that part of my life was never going to come back . I could grieve it all I wanted but it was gone . We were not coming back , and life here was going to go on without us . I had to leave the job behind that I was at for 3 years . I was so used to all my coworkers and become pretty good friends with a lot of them . I was a CNA at a nursing home . I started when I was 18 , and I learned a lot there . It was my first job and the thing that I was used to . I tried not to cry saying goodbye to everyone . They all told me that they were excited for me to go on this journey and to be going somewhere new . I didn 't want to leave , though . This life was what I was used to . We finally got the apartment cleaned up . It was hard getting rid of everything . It was even harder knowing that this taste of independence might not come back for a while . Being that far from my mother was coming to a very short end . We spent the night with my friends . I cried in the little white car as we left . It was just like there was some hope in me that things were going to get better . I just kept trying to tell myself that over and over again . While , I sat and waited for my sister to close her bank account up . It was a long drive . It was a lot of fighting where my mother reminded us that we should have stayed . It was like this wave of depression was just pulling me under it 's current slowly . I couldn 't even think as I listened to her screaming the whole fucking time . I always try to remain optimistic even if things are falling apart . I try to imagine what life could be like and sometimes I get in all messed up in my head . I live more in my head than I do in real life . It was nice seeing all of the different states on the way down . We had some family down here that I got to met and I was pretty excited about meeting them . Maybe I could get close with them . I never really had any family that I was close with other than my sister who is my best friend . I could find a job that wasn 't in nursing and maybe it could be something interesting and new . Maybe , I would met a guy down here . Maybe , my life would be exciting and better than before . When we got to our destination , reality hit , hard . We lived in the middle of nowhere ! In the smallest fucking town . We pulled up in our driveway . All I see is three homes and the one that is ours is the one that is falling apart . You can 't even walk up the stairs without them all moving and you falling . 5 people in a 2 bedroom trailer . One bathroom . We slept on a pull - out couch . All while my mother is telling us on our first night there that we should have just fucking stayed and she wishes we would just go back . My dad was so happy to see us . He was disappointed to see how she was treating us . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017Tags blog , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Leaving The Day I Lost It . I grew up in an extremely small town . Have you ever heard of northern Michigan ? That is where I am from . Everyone knows everyone . I felt like I had to get away . And , I would find these amazing life . Everyone loved me . Everyone understood me . I could be myself . All I had to do was leave this stupid little northern town in the middle of nowhere . Then , I would have made real life experiences ! My parents moved away and left my sister and I in northern Michigan . It was the best time of my life . I could go wherever I wanted to go . I could see whoever the hell I wanted to see . I could drink until 5 am or I could sleep until 2 pm . Whatever I wanted to do , the world was in my hands . It was honestly the best time of my life . I had friends coming and going . I had bottles of vodka on hand . I was crawling up stairs . I was reading magazines in the bathtub , and dancing in the middle of the night while my sister was at work . I was so incredibly happy ! However , I had so much damn pressure to move . My friend was leaving the town and she wanted us to move to a bigger city . My family was in the south . I was so incredibly lost ! Who was I suppose to be around ? I did have an amazing job . I made great friends there , and I was actually making okay money for my age . I was able to support myself . I just did not know what to do . I felt so much damn pressure . My sister and I decided to move across the god damn country . I had to say goodbye to so many people . I was moving to warmer climate , I was going to be tan all the time , I was going to be enjoying life and experiencing new things ! In case I did not mention it before … my mother and I do not get along . She is controlling . She tells my business to everyone including the fact that I dated a man who was in a relationship . She thought that everyone should know . She also always had to know where I was at all times , and that included when I was 21 years old . Anyways , I decided to enjoy life as much as possible before moving across the damn country . My friend , my sister , and my dogs , and me ( of course ) , packed up the car and went to Lake Michigan . I took a bottle of vodka . I was blacking out on the way there . I met a cute guy at the gas station . I was too shy to of course get his number . I had fun at the lake that day . I ruined it . I was stumbling everywhere . I pissed in a bush . I was screaming at cars next to us . I was hanging my head out the door . I was going back to the gas station , getting more alcohol , flirting ( again ) , and leaving . I drank the whole way home . I burned my friend 's seats in her car . She was so pissed . I don 't really remember that part . We can leave that out and maybe talk about it later . Anyways , I got home . I tried getting more alcohol . I took the car around the block . My little sister was calling me over and over again . I almost crashed into a damn curb . I got home , and she was so mad . She was yelling at me . I just remember laughing . I remember thinking everything was funny . Why not fuck my life up along with other people 's relationships with me ? I don 't care if they love me or not . It doesn 't matter because I hate myself . I don 't even know how I got to this point . When she left , I invited a boy over . I honestly can barely remember inviting him over . He came though . I throw all my clothes in my room . I acted cute . He had sex with me and took the one thing that I valued in myself . It was gone and I would never get it back . In all reality , I gave it away like it didn 't matter . He even tried to have sex with me on the picnic table . My neighbor 's were right inside . It was their table . I finally pushed him off and he was gone . A few days later , I invited a new guy over . The same thing happened . I barely remember it the next morning . It doesn 't matter though , right ? I am a women now . I had to be drunk for it to happen but at least someone had sex with me . At least , I would not be a 22 year old virgin . That is all that matters . It does not even matter that I got an STD that was , by the way , 100 % curable . As long as I can say I am a woman . To me , it was damaging . The way I was raised . The way my mom tried to teach me to value myself . I just threw it away to men who just wanted to pound me from behind . They gave two shits other than the fact that their dick was getting wet . And , that is the honest truth . All I cared about was being socially acceptable . In the end though , I felt like shit . I still think about those nights I wish I could forget forever . I think it was just because I always wanted sex to mean something . I was raised that way . I mean I could have at least used a condom for both of them . I made mistakes , though . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017March 29 , 2017Tags alcoholic , blog , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , survivorLeave a comment on The Day I Lost It . Where It ( Kinda ) Begins I always hear that everyone has a past . Everyone has a story to tell , and everyone has been through something that someone else has related to . But , what happens when you are only 23 years old and you have nobody to share these experiences with ? What happens when you don 't know how to get better and you don 't know how to make everyone happy ? I love so many people and I don 't want them to watch me kill myself anymore . I am slowly dying and I am only 23 years old . I choose every single morning and throughout my day to slowly kill myself . It is like I don 't know this person who makes these choices . I am taken over and someone else is living my life . I wake up to people literally hating me . I literally hate myself sometimes . I am not ready to die . I use to live by the this , Fairytales are dead . I don 't even know what that means anymore . I made that up when I was 13 . To tell you the truth me being alive right now is my fairytale . The truth is I should have died a long time ago . I used to be excited for death . I was actually raised in church . I strongly believe in God . I always have and I know that he is always with me . But , I also know that God does not want me to take my own life . He has a path that he wants to live . There is a reason that I am alive ! I still don 't know why I am alive . I think one day I will know , and when I know I want to say that Fairytales aren 't dead . I hope one day to look back on these words and to say that there was a reason that I lived . My story begins the first time that I fell in love with alcohol . This is what slowly decided to take my life and destroy me . It took away over two years of my life . It filled the void of being rejected . It helped with my first breakup . I remember that he left me without no explanation , and that always hurt me the most . He disappeared . After telling me that he wanted to spend his life with me , he wanted to have children with me , and he wanted me forever . I was only 20 years old when I met this man . And , he will never know the effects that he had on me . I can still remember me meeting him for the first time , and I never believed that he would like me . He did , though . I am no longer going to try to make this sound romantic . What he did was wrong . He tried to make me have sex with him . I was a virgin at 20 years old , and he saw the chance to get in my pants . He said all the right words at all the right times . He was adorable , and I will never forget the way I felt about him . Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world and it is something that you are never going to forget . But once it is gone , and it is really gone , you have to find a way to fill that void . And , I choose alcohol . We never had sex . Once he seen that I was real about that , he left , and I cried . And , I spent a long time blaming myself . I was turning 21 when he left . I sent the last text message to him when I was turning 21 . I spent weeks , months , and valuable time trying to forget him with alcohol . I would cry to my mother , to my friends , to strangers , to anyone about him ! I would lay in my shower and cry until I couldn 't cry anymore . I would wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him . I would send him messages randomly . Hoping he would answer . Sometimes , he actually would . Sometimes , he would act the same . Other times , he just wanted nudes . I can never blame a person for my addiction . It was definitely the start of one , though . That was the point where I did not care anymore . I would drink in my closet . I would drink in the middle of the day . And , I would drink in the morning . I would be throwing up in the kitchen sink and crying in front of my mom . Months went by , the alcohol followed . It followed me to the bars . Where I made out with men that are over their 40 's and police officers in the small town that I was from . I tried to fill his place with other guys . For some reason , that was the only thing that ever made me feel the slightest better . I spent the New Year of 2015 , in a bar . I met a guy . I made out with him in front of people . I fooled around with him in a car , and giggled about my virginity in his ear . The next morning , I had texts from him and I was confused . I don 't want anyone but the guy I first loved . It was so stupid for me to think like this . It was so stupid for me to always trying to finding guys to feel the void of whatever I was missing . And you know what that was ? That was the love I had for myself . It was completely something that did not exist . How sad for me to even say . And , I constantly think of that feeling that I do not have . This hate for myself . Why am I so willing to throw myself at men who do not care for me in the slightest ? Why do I care so much about relationships that lead me to nothing but damage ? How did a hate become my love for alcohol ? Hi . My name is Courtney . I am 23 years old . I am an alcoholic . I am not ashamed of myself anymore . I am ready to heal . I am ready to discover my identity . I am ready to tell my story . I am ready to heal . I am ready to love myself . |
Tag : story Tired I 'm not really physically tired . I am mentally tired . I feel like I fighting an uphill battle that I have been losing for so long . . I wish that I could go back in time . I know that I probably mentioned that before , but I really mean it . The place I am in life is almost like everything I wouldn 't want to be at this age . Each day is so fast , and a lot of days I don 't remember due to blacking out from alcohol , or passing out from alcohol , or just being a dumb alcoholic . I have been doing better with my alcohol intake . I still drink a lot but I haven 't been getting as trashed as I did in the past . I guess it 's baby steps for me . I don 't really sit there and think about it all day or all night if I don 't have any . Then , I will reward myself by drinking . When I drink I picture myself dying . I don 't know why it has this negative effect on me . I imagine that is something that runs in my blood . My uncle ( father 's brother ) was very into drugs and alcohol at a young age . He is still living , but he is living in prison for murdering his lover . What if that is going to be me ? I become so incredibly violent when I drink . I fear that I will wake up in a cell , and never leave again . I fear that this is my life . I fear it and I live in constant fear . I don 't know why I can 't change . It might be because I don 't have the willpower . I pray that I am not mentally ill and I just won 't ever get better . I hope this is the little moment in my life where I have lost myself so completely but I am going to find myself again . I have been stuck in this place for almost 3 years . Even before alcohol , I had issues . I was always depressed , crying in the shower , cutting myself , burning myself , trying to lose weight , and wanting to wake up and become someone else . The worst part of it all is that I sit here day after day waiting to get better . I wait for someone to make my life better and for all of this to make sense . It isn 't . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on June 12 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , depression , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Tired Losing My Mind Well , waking up in a hospital without your phone , in blue paper scrubs , and surrounded by at least 30 people in a big room is not the right way to wake up . The first worry that morning was that I was stuck and I finally was were I was supposed to be . Well , I was in the part of the hospital that people made jokes about . You guessed it , I was in the pysch ward . I got up and waddled to the guard who was watching all of us . " Can I have my phone ? " I asked him . He was extremely cute . He was tall , dark blue eyes , and dark hair . He had a cute little gap between his teeth . And , I couldn 't believe I was standing in front of this cute boy in blue paper scrubs . Without a bra . And my hair was a mess . He shook his head . I asked if he could walk me outside to smoke a cigarette . Nope . I walked back to my bed and looked around . I was stuck with the crazy people . I was the crazy people . A lot of people laid in their beds . Some , cried . Cried for oxygen because he couldn 't breath . One was calling me " pretty girl " . Another one was screaming at the staff . Another , walking around in a blanket and staring at everyone like we were the answer to life . If you aren 't crazy or think you are go ahead and spend 15 minutes here . You will believe you are crazy . Being held under medical care was probably one of the most frustrating things of my life . I was brought into this huge room and asked for the doctor over and over again . I wanted to go home . I had to be at work by 3 and it was 8 a . m . I was going to sue the place . I was going to walk out . " Don 't act like a donkey , again . " One of the floor techs told me . Why was I being held ? How did I get out ? What were my legal rights ? Where the fuck was my doctor ? Why did I have to wait so fucking long to see him or her ? Why were my nurses prescribing me xanax to calm down ? Why am I in this fucking room with 30 other crazy patients ? Finally , after asking 10 times , the nurse came and asked me a million questions . Did I want to die ? Did I do drugs ? Why did I feel the need to drink ? Why was I so violent last night ? Why did I escape the hospital and go missing for over 5 hours ? Why did I threaten to kill myself ? Why was I here ? Have I ever been diagnosed with any mental disorders ? Was I abused ? I wanted to die because I was numb ! I have no more fucking feelings anymore ! I felt the need to drink because that is the one thing that can make me feel alive . I was violent because you crazy people strapped me down to a bed and I screamed until they finally knocked me out with drugs ! I escaped because I wanted to drink more . I mean I was being held against my will anyways . I wanted to die , duh . I wanted to die . I have anxiety . Yes , in fact , sexually and physical . You 're point . Can I go home now ? My sister wanted to go shopping for cars . I was living in a 2 bedroom trailer with 9 people and 2 dogs . My fucking bedroom was in the living room , my bed was literally in the living , and I shared it with my sister . I was working a barely above minimum paying job , and I was stressed out beyond you 're imagination . It was August , and it was hot out , and I also lived in South Carolina . I was excited to go car shopping with my sister . I took at least 4 Xanaxs before we left the house . By the time we hit town , I was buying alcohol . Let 's remember it was only 1 p . m . I was fucked up . And , well , I didn 't care . We went to car place after car place . I was starting to black out at this point . I was stumbling in places , and I was making a joke of myself . I always did that . I can still do that , but I think that it must be a magic power , and that is to look like such a joke . I remember they fixed my car 's air conditioning . I was sitting in the car . I starting crying to my sister . I told her that I didn 't feel like life was worth it , anymore . There was no more purpose in life . Somedays , okay almost everyday , I thought of killing myself . I did not what to live anymore . I remember crying and I was fucked up in the middle of the day . I went on and on . While she was being her first car , I was complaining about my stupid life . We waited for papers . I cried . And cried . I was so fucked up by those little pills and those couple of drinks . I always had to ruin everything . Everywhere I went , I brought tears and drama . My life was so hard , but maybe it was harder for the people who were watching my pathetic tragedy . I was the pathetic tragedy . By the time I got home , my sister took my mom for a ride in her new car , and I was waiting on the steps for police to escort me to the hospital . My sister came home and told me the cops were coming because I was acting suicidal all day . I heard the sirens coming . I watched the cop come up to my car were I was laughing and making a fool out of myself . My mom , my sister , my dad , my nieces , my friends , my neighbors , my aunt and uncle , and whoever else was there that I remember , watched the cop and the EMT 's threaten me . I either got in the ambulance with them or I got handcuffed and brought to the hospital . Either way , it was legal because the cop heard me say I wanted to die . I decided to ride in the ambulance . I called the paramedic a bitch . I laughed in the cops face . I waved at him as he escorted the ride behind . It was all a joke . It was a joke as they all escorted me into the hospital and it was a joke when I had to want in the intake area to see if I was on drugs and to see if I had to stay . I watched crazy people coming into the same area I was in . I seen a young man in a wheelchair shaking his head back and forth and screaming . A nurse drew my blood . I acted nice , and I let her do it . When she turned her back , I ran , and I ran like hell . Right past other patients , right past the staff and nurses , and right outside . I ran out of the hospital , past the security , past the highway , past the long grassy area that went on for miles , I just kept on running . I didn 't even know where I was going . I didn 't even live in this area . All I know was that I had my credit card . I had enough to buy some beer and cigarettes . I would fill in the blanks from there . It was probably about 6 p . m . when I ran away . I went to a small gas station and I got a couple beers . I took my beers to a bus station . And , I hung out there . I sang to myself . I sang hymns I knew from a child . I grew up singing and I grew up wanting to be a singer . When I drink , I sing . And I sang , as people came up to me and talked to me . The bus driver asked me who I was . I said I ran from the hospital . He laughed and drove away . He told me his daughter was my age , and he told me to be safe . I laughed as he drove off . I might be dead . If that is safe . I literally remember thinking that to myself . A man I met , told me his father was in the nursing home I worked at . He grabbed my butt . He stroked my back , and he tried to kiss me . He was probably in his early 50 's . I was to drunk to comprehend what was happening . He ran off , and I stayed there drunk . I hope he realized what he was doing was fucked up beyond any comprehension . Finally , I had enough . I crawled onto a busy road , and I laid there . I waited for someone to find me . Finally , a van came and slammed on their brakes when they seen that I was laying the middle of the road . " Honey ? Where are you supposed to be ? Why are you laying the middle of the street ? You could have been hit ! " They were freaking out . I was laughing . Before they came , I was closing my eyes and pretending I was dead . They brought me to the gas station and immediately called 911 . The worker there told me I could have anything there . The cops came . I tried to escape , but honestly I was too drunk . I got handcuffed for the first time in my life . And , I was put in the back of the police car . I cried to them , and I begged them not to take me to that horrible hospital . I cried and pleaded . They didn 't really say much of anything . I just remember being hysterical on the whole ride back to the hospital . How did I end up in the same position that I was in hours before ? Turns out that there was an amber alert for my drunk ass . When I left the hospital , they notified my family , and sent it out . People where actually looking for me while I sang to myself in a stupid bus station . My sister , my mom , and my friends sent out messages to everyone I knew asking if they knew where I was . I was wandering the city and I was suicidal and crazy and they were probably worried . They brought me back to that dumb intake area . And I fought , like hell . I was punching , hitting , kicking , spitting , screaming , and acting like they were trying to kill me . It took at least 6 people to strap me down into the bed . I screamed for what seemed like forever . Finally , she came in with a shot , and whatever was in that shot knocked me out . I told her she was a cunt as she stabbed me in the arm with whatever drug . She smiled , and told me it was okay . Bless her ability not to spit back in my face . I woke the next morning with the entire staff making sure I wouldn 't do what I did the night before . I woke up in blue scrubs . I woke up around crazy people . I woke up sharing a bathroom with 30 or 40 other people . We had to have our blood pressure taken around the clock , I had to be supervised . I had to take on the phone in front of the staff . I couldn 't be left alone . I felt like a prisoner . I felt like this was the worst of the worst . I just was glad that people were actually there to supervise me . I was only held for 2 nights or one and a half days . Which ever way you looked at it . Personally , it was 2 nights , 2 days , and I remember every second . Every smell . Every meal . Every nurse . The doctor . The guards . My small bed . I will never forget those 2 days and 2 nights . They diagnosed me with anxiety disorder . I already could have told you I had that . When I went to sign out , my phone was missing . I have no idea where I dropped it . My mom , my dad , and my friend picked me up . I felt like I was getting out of prison . The truth is everyday , I am searching for that reason . The first thing I picture is my little sister . The person who is my rock in more ways than one . I picture my dad . I picture my little brother . I picture my friends , and distant relatives . I keep going . I keep trying . I am literally living for others . Maybe , that is what life is about . Finally , realizing that you are here for more reasons than just yourself . That is why I am here . For more reasons than my own . I pray to God to forgive me , and somehow I feel a little bit more strength to get through another day . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on April 5 , 2017April 5 , 2017Tags addiction , alcoholic , blog , death , family , friends , God , healing , hospital , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , strength , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Losing My Mind Slowly It 's not like I ever meant to develop a problem . One day , I was 14 years old and camping with a friend and her family . It was the first time I ever got drunk . I remember feeling like I could do anything , I could say anything , and it was funny . I could have confidence . I could make new friends , and nobody could really judge me right ? Because I was drunk . I ran through the campgrounds screaming , trying to crawl in the water , I tried hugging everyone I seen . It was the best night of my life . After that night , I learned that I loved alcohol . If I got alcohol , I had to get as drunk as I could , and I had to be the most intoxicated out of everyone else . That was always my goal . At that point , I was on top of the world , and nothing could stop me . I spent my teen years searching for any chance to drink . Usually , it involved friend 's parents who didn 't care that we drank . I used people at such a young age for something that was destructing my life . I still remember my first high school dance that I went to . My mom brought me to the dress store in town . I remember walking by as a little girl and admiring all the pretty dresses . I always thought one day I could by a dress from there . At 16 , I finally did ! It was light blue . I had to get it altered to fit me . My chest is busty and well that always made things hard to fit . I curled my hair , I did my make - up , and my friends all came over so we could take pictures together . It was 4 of us . They were all my best friends and they begged me to come with . I always refused to go to dances because I never felt pretty and I always felt fat . I remember my friend telling me that I looked gorgeous . And , we all agreed we were going to get fucked up after . We ended up drinking in my friend 's basement . Her parents had a bar and they left us have a couple of drinks . It ended up me and my best friend taking so many shots that we could barely walk . I remember my friend 's mom thinking it was funny and everyone laughing . We were having so much fun . It all changed when they were ready for bed . My best friend and I walked in and out of their house at least 20 times . She had a huge family and they could hear us laughing , falling , and trying to be quiet . We ended up smoking all of my other friend 's cigarettes and we actually made out . We were just goofing off . The next morning , we were asked to leave . They did not want us there . My friend and I walked over a mile to find a phone so my dad could pick us up . That was the first time that I ruined a night with my drinking . What was supposed to be a fun night turned out to be a night I just ruined , and the pattern followed me . I was always creating trouble , and I thought I was just creating memories that people would laugh about later . Instead , I was creating enemies . I just loved to be black out drunk . I would encourage my mom to buy us drinks . She would say one and I would have 12 . She would buy wine , let me have a cup , and I would finish the entire glass of it . I would walk around the streets drunk , blacked out , no clue where I was going , and it didn 't matter because it was fun . I drank on Christmas night after I turned 21 . I decided it was not going to be a good night unless I was drunk . It was never a good night unless I was drunk . I feel like I couldn 't even enjoy people 's company and I couldn 't be myself . Anyways , on Christmas , I drank almost a whole bottle of liquor . I invited a friend over . My dad begged me not to drink that night , " Tomorrow , I will go to AA . " I said laughing and running up the stairs with my friend . Funny thing is , it took me two years to actually go . I ended up blacking out , heading my head on the toilet in the bathroom , and I broke the toilet . I do remember that I laid in the shower crying while the water ran on me . That was a pattern . My family listening to me crying and crying while I was drunk . One night , I got so drunk that I decided I was going to get out of the house in the middle of the night and just walk . I would go to the bridge that connected Wisconsin and Michigan , and I would jump . It was probably right around that Christmas . I can not remember if it was before or after . I never did leave . I wrote the note , though . I fell asleep on my closet floor , crying of course , and after taking a couple sleeping pills . I always thought that it was going to numb that pain . Instead , it created more pain . It created pain for my family and friends and this was only the beginning before I even moved down south . I became a burden to everyone . Drinking to me now is like playing a game with death . Now , in the present . I have been hospitalized twice since last September . I took an ambulance 4 times . I have been rushed to the ER by family . I 'm scared to drink . I just keep telling myself that if I drink today , I might be dead tomorrow . I try to scare myself . I don 't want to be another girl from my small town who killed herself . Who everyone pities and wishes they would have done something . The truth is no matter what anyone does or says I am the only person in control and nothing will change that . I am in control . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 30 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , destruction , family , friends , healing , life , personal , self harm , story , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Slowly Leaving I moved from norther Michigan to the south almost 2 years ago . I thought that it was going to be a really good change . I had to leave a lot of friends and I was going to be with my family , again . My mom took a train to come get us . She does not do well under pressure or something . She was so upset that we did not finish packing up our apartment . And , a few days before that I found out that I had gotten that STD ( it was curable ) . I was so stressed and even contemplating moving down there . All my friends begged me not to go because they all know what my mother is like . But , I insisted on moving . We only had my little white car to bring us to our new home . My mom had left her stuff behind with us . The only reason my mom , my dad , and my brother left was because we were evicted from our house that we lived in for a year . They stopped paying the bills , and I stopped caring about helping them . I gave up at this point . They had burned every bridge in this small town with different landlords , the electric company , and even other people . They would have not been able to find a home . So , they left us and moved down south to live in a trailer on my second uncle 's property . Anyways , they left their stuff with us in the apartment and we had to fit just our stuff in the car . My mom came to just get what she could of hers in the car . That was her secret mission . And , she had flipped shit when she realized my sister and I just wanted our stuff in the car ! She is crazy , I told you that , but she is really crazy . She was throwing stuff around , complaining , and getting in fights with one of my best friends . She was screaming , " Shut the fuck up " over and over again at my friend . My friend thought it was the funniest thing in the world . She was just there to spend time with us and help us pack everything before we left . This was the same friend that I burned all the seats in her car from the trip at Lake Michigan . I had my friend get me out of the apartment . She took to me to her house and I chugged a beer . I was so stressed about moving . Did I really want to move there ? When I got back to the apartment , my mom was still throwing her fit . Finally , I took a water bottle that I had , threw it down and screamed , " You are a fucking cunt ! " It got pretty quiet , and I went and locked myself in the bathroom where I had to try to calm myself down . All while , my friend , my sister , and my mom where fighting in the other room . " You both should have just stayed here ! I wish I never came ! " I heard my mom yelling . All of the neighbors downstairs , who were also the landlords , were listening to everything that was happening . We had just that day to get out . I just went in sat in my beat up white car with the doors locked . It was like I was in another world and like I couldn 't move , I couldn 't think , and I just wanted to go back in time where I agreed upon moving there . She followed me outside where she was pounding on the windows and screaming for me to get out . She threatened to break the windows and pop the tires . It was like I was frozen though and I didn 't want to move and to deal with her . Sometimes , I imagine hitting her over and over again . That is such a horrible thing to say about your own mother . But , she honestly will drive anyone to that point . Finally , we packed up all my happiness and threw a lot of stuff away . I was going to miss this place so much , and all the memories I had to such a short time . I really grew accustomed to living here . It was one of the best times of my life , and I wish that I could take it back . I spent a long time realizing that part of my life was never going to come back . I could grieve it all I wanted but it was gone . We were not coming back , and life here was going to go on without us . I had to leave the job behind that I was at for 3 years . I was so used to all my coworkers and become pretty good friends with a lot of them . I was a CNA at a nursing home . I started when I was 18 , and I learned a lot there . It was my first job and the thing that I was used to . I tried not to cry saying goodbye to everyone . They all told me that they were excited for me to go on this journey and to be going somewhere new . I didn 't want to leave , though . This life was what I was used to . We finally got the apartment cleaned up . It was hard getting rid of everything . It was even harder knowing that this taste of independence might not come back for a while . Being that far from my mother was coming to a very short end . We spent the night with my friends . I cried in the little white car as we left . It was just like there was some hope in me that things were going to get better . I just kept trying to tell myself that over and over again . While , I sat and waited for my sister to close her bank account up . It was a long drive . It was a lot of fighting where my mother reminded us that we should have stayed . It was like this wave of depression was just pulling me under it 's current slowly . I couldn 't even think as I listened to her screaming the whole fucking time . I always try to remain optimistic even if things are falling apart . I try to imagine what life could be like and sometimes I get in all messed up in my head . I live more in my head than I do in real life . It was nice seeing all of the different states on the way down . We had some family down here that I got to met and I was pretty excited about meeting them . Maybe I could get close with them . I never really had any family that I was close with other than my sister who is my best friend . I could find a job that wasn 't in nursing and maybe it could be something interesting and new . Maybe , I would met a guy down here . Maybe , my life would be exciting and better than before . When we got to our destination , reality hit , hard . We lived in the middle of nowhere ! In the smallest fucking town . We pulled up in our driveway . All I see is three homes and the one that is ours is the one that is falling apart . You can 't even walk up the stairs without them all moving and you falling . 5 people in a 2 bedroom trailer . One bathroom . We slept on a pull - out couch . All while my mother is telling us on our first night there that we should have just fucking stayed and she wishes we would just go back . My dad was so happy to see us . He was disappointed to see how she was treating us . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017Tags blog , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Leaving The Day I Lost It . I grew up in an extremely small town . Have you ever heard of northern Michigan ? That is where I am from . Everyone knows everyone . I felt like I had to get away . And , I would find these amazing life . Everyone loved me . Everyone understood me . I could be myself . All I had to do was leave this stupid little northern town in the middle of nowhere . Then , I would have made real life experiences ! My parents moved away and left my sister and I in northern Michigan . It was the best time of my life . I could go wherever I wanted to go . I could see whoever the hell I wanted to see . I could drink until 5 am or I could sleep until 2 pm . Whatever I wanted to do , the world was in my hands . It was honestly the best time of my life . I had friends coming and going . I had bottles of vodka on hand . I was crawling up stairs . I was reading magazines in the bathtub , and dancing in the middle of the night while my sister was at work . I was so incredibly happy ! However , I had so much damn pressure to move . My friend was leaving the town and she wanted us to move to a bigger city . My family was in the south . I was so incredibly lost ! Who was I suppose to be around ? I did have an amazing job . I made great friends there , and I was actually making okay money for my age . I was able to support myself . I just did not know what to do . I felt so much damn pressure . My sister and I decided to move across the god damn country . I had to say goodbye to so many people . I was moving to warmer climate , I was going to be tan all the time , I was going to be enjoying life and experiencing new things ! In case I did not mention it before … my mother and I do not get along . She is controlling . She tells my business to everyone including the fact that I dated a man who was in a relationship . She thought that everyone should know . She also always had to know where I was at all times , and that included when I was 21 years old . Anyways , I decided to enjoy life as much as possible before moving across the damn country . My friend , my sister , and my dogs , and me ( of course ) , packed up the car and went to Lake Michigan . I took a bottle of vodka . I was blacking out on the way there . I met a cute guy at the gas station . I was too shy to of course get his number . I had fun at the lake that day . I ruined it . I was stumbling everywhere . I pissed in a bush . I was screaming at cars next to us . I was hanging my head out the door . I was going back to the gas station , getting more alcohol , flirting ( again ) , and leaving . I drank the whole way home . I burned my friend 's seats in her car . She was so pissed . I don 't really remember that part . We can leave that out and maybe talk about it later . Anyways , I got home . I tried getting more alcohol . I took the car around the block . My little sister was calling me over and over again . I almost crashed into a damn curb . I got home , and she was so mad . She was yelling at me . I just remember laughing . I remember thinking everything was funny . Why not fuck my life up along with other people 's relationships with me ? I don 't care if they love me or not . It doesn 't matter because I hate myself . I don 't even know how I got to this point . When she left , I invited a boy over . I honestly can barely remember inviting him over . He came though . I throw all my clothes in my room . I acted cute . He had sex with me and took the one thing that I valued in myself . It was gone and I would never get it back . In all reality , I gave it away like it didn 't matter . He even tried to have sex with me on the picnic table . My neighbor 's were right inside . It was their table . I finally pushed him off and he was gone . A few days later , I invited a new guy over . The same thing happened . I barely remember it the next morning . It doesn 't matter though , right ? I am a women now . I had to be drunk for it to happen but at least someone had sex with me . At least , I would not be a 22 year old virgin . That is all that matters . It does not even matter that I got an STD that was , by the way , 100 % curable . As long as I can say I am a woman . To me , it was damaging . The way I was raised . The way my mom tried to teach me to value myself . I just threw it away to men who just wanted to pound me from behind . They gave two shits other than the fact that their dick was getting wet . And , that is the honest truth . All I cared about was being socially acceptable . In the end though , I felt like shit . I still think about those nights I wish I could forget forever . I think it was just because I always wanted sex to mean something . I was raised that way . I mean I could have at least used a condom for both of them . I made mistakes , though . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017March 29 , 2017Tags alcoholic , blog , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , survivorLeave a comment on The Day I Lost It . Where It ( Kinda ) Begins I always hear that everyone has a past . Everyone has a story to tell , and everyone has been through something that someone else has related to . But , what happens when you are only 23 years old and you have nobody to share these experiences with ? What happens when you don 't know how to get better and you don 't know how to make everyone happy ? I love so many people and I don 't want them to watch me kill myself anymore . I am slowly dying and I am only 23 years old . I choose every single morning and throughout my day to slowly kill myself . It is like I don 't know this person who makes these choices . I am taken over and someone else is living my life . I wake up to people literally hating me . I literally hate myself sometimes . I am not ready to die . I use to live by the this , Fairytales are dead . I don 't even know what that means anymore . I made that up when I was 13 . To tell you the truth me being alive right now is my fairytale . The truth is I should have died a long time ago . I used to be excited for death . I was actually raised in church . I strongly believe in God . I always have and I know that he is always with me . But , I also know that God does not want me to take my own life . He has a path that he wants to live . There is a reason that I am alive ! I still don 't know why I am alive . I think one day I will know , and when I know I want to say that Fairytales aren 't dead . I hope one day to look back on these words and to say that there was a reason that I lived . My story begins the first time that I fell in love with alcohol . This is what slowly decided to take my life and destroy me . It took away over two years of my life . It filled the void of being rejected . It helped with my first breakup . I remember that he left me without no explanation , and that always hurt me the most . He disappeared . After telling me that he wanted to spend his life with me , he wanted to have children with me , and he wanted me forever . I was only 20 years old when I met this man . And , he will never know the effects that he had on me . I can still remember me meeting him for the first time , and I never believed that he would like me . He did , though . I am no longer going to try to make this sound romantic . What he did was wrong . He tried to make me have sex with him . I was a virgin at 20 years old , and he saw the chance to get in my pants . He said all the right words at all the right times . He was adorable , and I will never forget the way I felt about him . Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world and it is something that you are never going to forget . But once it is gone , and it is really gone , you have to find a way to fill that void . And , I choose alcohol . We never had sex . Once he seen that I was real about that , he left , and I cried . And , I spent a long time blaming myself . I was turning 21 when he left . I sent the last text message to him when I was turning 21 . I spent weeks , months , and valuable time trying to forget him with alcohol . I would cry to my mother , to my friends , to strangers , to anyone about him ! I would lay in my shower and cry until I couldn 't cry anymore . I would wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him . I would send him messages randomly . Hoping he would answer . Sometimes , he actually would . Sometimes , he would act the same . Other times , he just wanted nudes . I can never blame a person for my addiction . It was definitely the start of one , though . That was the point where I did not care anymore . I would drink in my closet . I would drink in the middle of the day . And , I would drink in the morning . I would be throwing up in the kitchen sink and crying in front of my mom . Months went by , the alcohol followed . It followed me to the bars . Where I made out with men that are over their 40 's and police officers in the small town that I was from . I tried to fill his place with other guys . For some reason , that was the only thing that ever made me feel the slightest better . I spent the New Year of 2015 , in a bar . I met a guy . I made out with him in front of people . I fooled around with him in a car , and giggled about my virginity in his ear . The next morning , I had texts from him and I was confused . I don 't want anyone but the guy I first loved . It was so stupid for me to think like this . It was so stupid for me to always trying to finding guys to feel the void of whatever I was missing . And you know what that was ? That was the love I had for myself . It was completely something that did not exist . How sad for me to even say . And , I constantly think of that feeling that I do not have . This hate for myself . Why am I so willing to throw myself at men who do not care for me in the slightest ? Why do I care so much about relationships that lead me to nothing but damage ? How did a hate become my love for alcohol ? Hi . My name is Courtney . I am 23 years old . I am an alcoholic . I am not ashamed of myself anymore . I am ready to heal . I am ready to discover my identity . I am ready to tell my story . I am ready to heal . I am ready to love myself . |
Tag : personal Tired I 'm not really physically tired . I am mentally tired . I feel like I fighting an uphill battle that I have been losing for so long . . I wish that I could go back in time . I know that I probably mentioned that before , but I really mean it . The place I am in life is almost like everything I wouldn 't want to be at this age . Each day is so fast , and a lot of days I don 't remember due to blacking out from alcohol , or passing out from alcohol , or just being a dumb alcoholic . I have been doing better with my alcohol intake . I still drink a lot but I haven 't been getting as trashed as I did in the past . I guess it 's baby steps for me . I don 't really sit there and think about it all day or all night if I don 't have any . Then , I will reward myself by drinking . When I drink I picture myself dying . I don 't know why it has this negative effect on me . I imagine that is something that runs in my blood . My uncle ( father 's brother ) was very into drugs and alcohol at a young age . He is still living , but he is living in prison for murdering his lover . What if that is going to be me ? I become so incredibly violent when I drink . I fear that I will wake up in a cell , and never leave again . I fear that this is my life . I fear it and I live in constant fear . I don 't know why I can 't change . It might be because I don 't have the willpower . I pray that I am not mentally ill and I just won 't ever get better . I hope this is the little moment in my life where I have lost myself so completely but I am going to find myself again . I have been stuck in this place for almost 3 years . Even before alcohol , I had issues . I was always depressed , crying in the shower , cutting myself , burning myself , trying to lose weight , and wanting to wake up and become someone else . The worst part of it all is that I sit here day after day waiting to get better . I wait for someone to make my life better and for all of this to make sense . It isn 't . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on June 12 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , depression , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Tired Losing My Mind Well , waking up in a hospital without your phone , in blue paper scrubs , and surrounded by at least 30 people in a big room is not the right way to wake up . The first worry that morning was that I was stuck and I finally was were I was supposed to be . Well , I was in the part of the hospital that people made jokes about . You guessed it , I was in the pysch ward . I got up and waddled to the guard who was watching all of us . " Can I have my phone ? " I asked him . He was extremely cute . He was tall , dark blue eyes , and dark hair . He had a cute little gap between his teeth . And , I couldn 't believe I was standing in front of this cute boy in blue paper scrubs . Without a bra . And my hair was a mess . He shook his head . I asked if he could walk me outside to smoke a cigarette . Nope . I walked back to my bed and looked around . I was stuck with the crazy people . I was the crazy people . A lot of people laid in their beds . Some , cried . Cried for oxygen because he couldn 't breath . One was calling me " pretty girl " . Another one was screaming at the staff . Another , walking around in a blanket and staring at everyone like we were the answer to life . If you aren 't crazy or think you are go ahead and spend 15 minutes here . You will believe you are crazy . Being held under medical care was probably one of the most frustrating things of my life . I was brought into this huge room and asked for the doctor over and over again . I wanted to go home . I had to be at work by 3 and it was 8 a . m . I was going to sue the place . I was going to walk out . " Don 't act like a donkey , again . " One of the floor techs told me . Why was I being held ? How did I get out ? What were my legal rights ? Where the fuck was my doctor ? Why did I have to wait so fucking long to see him or her ? Why were my nurses prescribing me xanax to calm down ? Why am I in this fucking room with 30 other crazy patients ? Finally , after asking 10 times , the nurse came and asked me a million questions . Did I want to die ? Did I do drugs ? Why did I feel the need to drink ? Why was I so violent last night ? Why did I escape the hospital and go missing for over 5 hours ? Why did I threaten to kill myself ? Why was I here ? Have I ever been diagnosed with any mental disorders ? Was I abused ? I wanted to die because I was numb ! I have no more fucking feelings anymore ! I felt the need to drink because that is the one thing that can make me feel alive . I was violent because you crazy people strapped me down to a bed and I screamed until they finally knocked me out with drugs ! I escaped because I wanted to drink more . I mean I was being held against my will anyways . I wanted to die , duh . I wanted to die . I have anxiety . Yes , in fact , sexually and physical . You 're point . Can I go home now ? My sister wanted to go shopping for cars . I was living in a 2 bedroom trailer with 9 people and 2 dogs . My fucking bedroom was in the living room , my bed was literally in the living , and I shared it with my sister . I was working a barely above minimum paying job , and I was stressed out beyond you 're imagination . It was August , and it was hot out , and I also lived in South Carolina . I was excited to go car shopping with my sister . I took at least 4 Xanaxs before we left the house . By the time we hit town , I was buying alcohol . Let 's remember it was only 1 p . m . I was fucked up . And , well , I didn 't care . We went to car place after car place . I was starting to black out at this point . I was stumbling in places , and I was making a joke of myself . I always did that . I can still do that , but I think that it must be a magic power , and that is to look like such a joke . I remember they fixed my car 's air conditioning . I was sitting in the car . I starting crying to my sister . I told her that I didn 't feel like life was worth it , anymore . There was no more purpose in life . Somedays , okay almost everyday , I thought of killing myself . I did not what to live anymore . I remember crying and I was fucked up in the middle of the day . I went on and on . While she was being her first car , I was complaining about my stupid life . We waited for papers . I cried . And cried . I was so fucked up by those little pills and those couple of drinks . I always had to ruin everything . Everywhere I went , I brought tears and drama . My life was so hard , but maybe it was harder for the people who were watching my pathetic tragedy . I was the pathetic tragedy . By the time I got home , my sister took my mom for a ride in her new car , and I was waiting on the steps for police to escort me to the hospital . My sister came home and told me the cops were coming because I was acting suicidal all day . I heard the sirens coming . I watched the cop come up to my car were I was laughing and making a fool out of myself . My mom , my sister , my dad , my nieces , my friends , my neighbors , my aunt and uncle , and whoever else was there that I remember , watched the cop and the EMT 's threaten me . I either got in the ambulance with them or I got handcuffed and brought to the hospital . Either way , it was legal because the cop heard me say I wanted to die . I decided to ride in the ambulance . I called the paramedic a bitch . I laughed in the cops face . I waved at him as he escorted the ride behind . It was all a joke . It was a joke as they all escorted me into the hospital and it was a joke when I had to want in the intake area to see if I was on drugs and to see if I had to stay . I watched crazy people coming into the same area I was in . I seen a young man in a wheelchair shaking his head back and forth and screaming . A nurse drew my blood . I acted nice , and I let her do it . When she turned her back , I ran , and I ran like hell . Right past other patients , right past the staff and nurses , and right outside . I ran out of the hospital , past the security , past the highway , past the long grassy area that went on for miles , I just kept on running . I didn 't even know where I was going . I didn 't even live in this area . All I know was that I had my credit card . I had enough to buy some beer and cigarettes . I would fill in the blanks from there . It was probably about 6 p . m . when I ran away . I went to a small gas station and I got a couple beers . I took my beers to a bus station . And , I hung out there . I sang to myself . I sang hymns I knew from a child . I grew up singing and I grew up wanting to be a singer . When I drink , I sing . And I sang , as people came up to me and talked to me . The bus driver asked me who I was . I said I ran from the hospital . He laughed and drove away . He told me his daughter was my age , and he told me to be safe . I laughed as he drove off . I might be dead . If that is safe . I literally remember thinking that to myself . A man I met , told me his father was in the nursing home I worked at . He grabbed my butt . He stroked my back , and he tried to kiss me . He was probably in his early 50 's . I was to drunk to comprehend what was happening . He ran off , and I stayed there drunk . I hope he realized what he was doing was fucked up beyond any comprehension . Finally , I had enough . I crawled onto a busy road , and I laid there . I waited for someone to find me . Finally , a van came and slammed on their brakes when they seen that I was laying the middle of the road . " Honey ? Where are you supposed to be ? Why are you laying the middle of the street ? You could have been hit ! " They were freaking out . I was laughing . Before they came , I was closing my eyes and pretending I was dead . They brought me to the gas station and immediately called 911 . The worker there told me I could have anything there . The cops came . I tried to escape , but honestly I was too drunk . I got handcuffed for the first time in my life . And , I was put in the back of the police car . I cried to them , and I begged them not to take me to that horrible hospital . I cried and pleaded . They didn 't really say much of anything . I just remember being hysterical on the whole ride back to the hospital . How did I end up in the same position that I was in hours before ? Turns out that there was an amber alert for my drunk ass . When I left the hospital , they notified my family , and sent it out . People where actually looking for me while I sang to myself in a stupid bus station . My sister , my mom , and my friends sent out messages to everyone I knew asking if they knew where I was . I was wandering the city and I was suicidal and crazy and they were probably worried . They brought me back to that dumb intake area . And I fought , like hell . I was punching , hitting , kicking , spitting , screaming , and acting like they were trying to kill me . It took at least 6 people to strap me down into the bed . I screamed for what seemed like forever . Finally , she came in with a shot , and whatever was in that shot knocked me out . I told her she was a cunt as she stabbed me in the arm with whatever drug . She smiled , and told me it was okay . Bless her ability not to spit back in my face . I woke the next morning with the entire staff making sure I wouldn 't do what I did the night before . I woke up in blue scrubs . I woke up around crazy people . I woke up sharing a bathroom with 30 or 40 other people . We had to have our blood pressure taken around the clock , I had to be supervised . I had to take on the phone in front of the staff . I couldn 't be left alone . I felt like a prisoner . I felt like this was the worst of the worst . I just was glad that people were actually there to supervise me . I was only held for 2 nights or one and a half days . Which ever way you looked at it . Personally , it was 2 nights , 2 days , and I remember every second . Every smell . Every meal . Every nurse . The doctor . The guards . My small bed . I will never forget those 2 days and 2 nights . They diagnosed me with anxiety disorder . I already could have told you I had that . When I went to sign out , my phone was missing . I have no idea where I dropped it . My mom , my dad , and my friend picked me up . I felt like I was getting out of prison . The truth is everyday , I am searching for that reason . The first thing I picture is my little sister . The person who is my rock in more ways than one . I picture my dad . I picture my little brother . I picture my friends , and distant relatives . I keep going . I keep trying . I am literally living for others . Maybe , that is what life is about . Finally , realizing that you are here for more reasons than just yourself . That is why I am here . For more reasons than my own . I pray to God to forgive me , and somehow I feel a little bit more strength to get through another day . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on April 5 , 2017April 5 , 2017Tags addiction , alcoholic , blog , death , family , friends , God , healing , hospital , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , strength , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Losing My Mind Slowly It 's not like I ever meant to develop a problem . One day , I was 14 years old and camping with a friend and her family . It was the first time I ever got drunk . I remember feeling like I could do anything , I could say anything , and it was funny . I could have confidence . I could make new friends , and nobody could really judge me right ? Because I was drunk . I ran through the campgrounds screaming , trying to crawl in the water , I tried hugging everyone I seen . It was the best night of my life . After that night , I learned that I loved alcohol . If I got alcohol , I had to get as drunk as I could , and I had to be the most intoxicated out of everyone else . That was always my goal . At that point , I was on top of the world , and nothing could stop me . I spent my teen years searching for any chance to drink . Usually , it involved friend 's parents who didn 't care that we drank . I used people at such a young age for something that was destructing my life . I still remember my first high school dance that I went to . My mom brought me to the dress store in town . I remember walking by as a little girl and admiring all the pretty dresses . I always thought one day I could by a dress from there . At 16 , I finally did ! It was light blue . I had to get it altered to fit me . My chest is busty and well that always made things hard to fit . I curled my hair , I did my make - up , and my friends all came over so we could take pictures together . It was 4 of us . They were all my best friends and they begged me to come with . I always refused to go to dances because I never felt pretty and I always felt fat . I remember my friend telling me that I looked gorgeous . And , we all agreed we were going to get fucked up after . We ended up drinking in my friend 's basement . Her parents had a bar and they left us have a couple of drinks . It ended up me and my best friend taking so many shots that we could barely walk . I remember my friend 's mom thinking it was funny and everyone laughing . We were having so much fun . It all changed when they were ready for bed . My best friend and I walked in and out of their house at least 20 times . She had a huge family and they could hear us laughing , falling , and trying to be quiet . We ended up smoking all of my other friend 's cigarettes and we actually made out . We were just goofing off . The next morning , we were asked to leave . They did not want us there . My friend and I walked over a mile to find a phone so my dad could pick us up . That was the first time that I ruined a night with my drinking . What was supposed to be a fun night turned out to be a night I just ruined , and the pattern followed me . I was always creating trouble , and I thought I was just creating memories that people would laugh about later . Instead , I was creating enemies . I just loved to be black out drunk . I would encourage my mom to buy us drinks . She would say one and I would have 12 . She would buy wine , let me have a cup , and I would finish the entire glass of it . I would walk around the streets drunk , blacked out , no clue where I was going , and it didn 't matter because it was fun . I drank on Christmas night after I turned 21 . I decided it was not going to be a good night unless I was drunk . It was never a good night unless I was drunk . I feel like I couldn 't even enjoy people 's company and I couldn 't be myself . Anyways , on Christmas , I drank almost a whole bottle of liquor . I invited a friend over . My dad begged me not to drink that night , " Tomorrow , I will go to AA . " I said laughing and running up the stairs with my friend . Funny thing is , it took me two years to actually go . I ended up blacking out , heading my head on the toilet in the bathroom , and I broke the toilet . I do remember that I laid in the shower crying while the water ran on me . That was a pattern . My family listening to me crying and crying while I was drunk . One night , I got so drunk that I decided I was going to get out of the house in the middle of the night and just walk . I would go to the bridge that connected Wisconsin and Michigan , and I would jump . It was probably right around that Christmas . I can not remember if it was before or after . I never did leave . I wrote the note , though . I fell asleep on my closet floor , crying of course , and after taking a couple sleeping pills . I always thought that it was going to numb that pain . Instead , it created more pain . It created pain for my family and friends and this was only the beginning before I even moved down south . I became a burden to everyone . Drinking to me now is like playing a game with death . Now , in the present . I have been hospitalized twice since last September . I took an ambulance 4 times . I have been rushed to the ER by family . I 'm scared to drink . I just keep telling myself that if I drink today , I might be dead tomorrow . I try to scare myself . I don 't want to be another girl from my small town who killed herself . Who everyone pities and wishes they would have done something . The truth is no matter what anyone does or says I am the only person in control and nothing will change that . I am in control . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 30 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , destruction , family , friends , healing , life , personal , self harm , story , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Slowly Leaving I moved from norther Michigan to the south almost 2 years ago . I thought that it was going to be a really good change . I had to leave a lot of friends and I was going to be with my family , again . My mom took a train to come get us . She does not do well under pressure or something . She was so upset that we did not finish packing up our apartment . And , a few days before that I found out that I had gotten that STD ( it was curable ) . I was so stressed and even contemplating moving down there . All my friends begged me not to go because they all know what my mother is like . But , I insisted on moving . We only had my little white car to bring us to our new home . My mom had left her stuff behind with us . The only reason my mom , my dad , and my brother left was because we were evicted from our house that we lived in for a year . They stopped paying the bills , and I stopped caring about helping them . I gave up at this point . They had burned every bridge in this small town with different landlords , the electric company , and even other people . They would have not been able to find a home . So , they left us and moved down south to live in a trailer on my second uncle 's property . Anyways , they left their stuff with us in the apartment and we had to fit just our stuff in the car . My mom came to just get what she could of hers in the car . That was her secret mission . And , she had flipped shit when she realized my sister and I just wanted our stuff in the car ! She is crazy , I told you that , but she is really crazy . She was throwing stuff around , complaining , and getting in fights with one of my best friends . She was screaming , " Shut the fuck up " over and over again at my friend . My friend thought it was the funniest thing in the world . She was just there to spend time with us and help us pack everything before we left . This was the same friend that I burned all the seats in her car from the trip at Lake Michigan . I had my friend get me out of the apartment . She took to me to her house and I chugged a beer . I was so stressed about moving . Did I really want to move there ? When I got back to the apartment , my mom was still throwing her fit . Finally , I took a water bottle that I had , threw it down and screamed , " You are a fucking cunt ! " It got pretty quiet , and I went and locked myself in the bathroom where I had to try to calm myself down . All while , my friend , my sister , and my mom where fighting in the other room . " You both should have just stayed here ! I wish I never came ! " I heard my mom yelling . All of the neighbors downstairs , who were also the landlords , were listening to everything that was happening . We had just that day to get out . I just went in sat in my beat up white car with the doors locked . It was like I was in another world and like I couldn 't move , I couldn 't think , and I just wanted to go back in time where I agreed upon moving there . She followed me outside where she was pounding on the windows and screaming for me to get out . She threatened to break the windows and pop the tires . It was like I was frozen though and I didn 't want to move and to deal with her . Sometimes , I imagine hitting her over and over again . That is such a horrible thing to say about your own mother . But , she honestly will drive anyone to that point . Finally , we packed up all my happiness and threw a lot of stuff away . I was going to miss this place so much , and all the memories I had to such a short time . I really grew accustomed to living here . It was one of the best times of my life , and I wish that I could take it back . I spent a long time realizing that part of my life was never going to come back . I could grieve it all I wanted but it was gone . We were not coming back , and life here was going to go on without us . I had to leave the job behind that I was at for 3 years . I was so used to all my coworkers and become pretty good friends with a lot of them . I was a CNA at a nursing home . I started when I was 18 , and I learned a lot there . It was my first job and the thing that I was used to . I tried not to cry saying goodbye to everyone . They all told me that they were excited for me to go on this journey and to be going somewhere new . I didn 't want to leave , though . This life was what I was used to . We finally got the apartment cleaned up . It was hard getting rid of everything . It was even harder knowing that this taste of independence might not come back for a while . Being that far from my mother was coming to a very short end . We spent the night with my friends . I cried in the little white car as we left . It was just like there was some hope in me that things were going to get better . I just kept trying to tell myself that over and over again . While , I sat and waited for my sister to close her bank account up . It was a long drive . It was a lot of fighting where my mother reminded us that we should have stayed . It was like this wave of depression was just pulling me under it 's current slowly . I couldn 't even think as I listened to her screaming the whole fucking time . I always try to remain optimistic even if things are falling apart . I try to imagine what life could be like and sometimes I get in all messed up in my head . I live more in my head than I do in real life . It was nice seeing all of the different states on the way down . We had some family down here that I got to met and I was pretty excited about meeting them . Maybe I could get close with them . I never really had any family that I was close with other than my sister who is my best friend . I could find a job that wasn 't in nursing and maybe it could be something interesting and new . Maybe , I would met a guy down here . Maybe , my life would be exciting and better than before . When we got to our destination , reality hit , hard . We lived in the middle of nowhere ! In the smallest fucking town . We pulled up in our driveway . All I see is three homes and the one that is ours is the one that is falling apart . You can 't even walk up the stairs without them all moving and you falling . 5 people in a 2 bedroom trailer . One bathroom . We slept on a pull - out couch . All while my mother is telling us on our first night there that we should have just fucking stayed and she wishes we would just go back . My dad was so happy to see us . He was disappointed to see how she was treating us . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017Tags blog , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Leaving The Day I Lost It . I grew up in an extremely small town . Have you ever heard of northern Michigan ? That is where I am from . Everyone knows everyone . I felt like I had to get away . And , I would find these amazing life . Everyone loved me . Everyone understood me . I could be myself . All I had to do was leave this stupid little northern town in the middle of nowhere . Then , I would have made real life experiences ! My parents moved away and left my sister and I in northern Michigan . It was the best time of my life . I could go wherever I wanted to go . I could see whoever the hell I wanted to see . I could drink until 5 am or I could sleep until 2 pm . Whatever I wanted to do , the world was in my hands . It was honestly the best time of my life . I had friends coming and going . I had bottles of vodka on hand . I was crawling up stairs . I was reading magazines in the bathtub , and dancing in the middle of the night while my sister was at work . I was so incredibly happy ! However , I had so much damn pressure to move . My friend was leaving the town and she wanted us to move to a bigger city . My family was in the south . I was so incredibly lost ! Who was I suppose to be around ? I did have an amazing job . I made great friends there , and I was actually making okay money for my age . I was able to support myself . I just did not know what to do . I felt so much damn pressure . My sister and I decided to move across the god damn country . I had to say goodbye to so many people . I was moving to warmer climate , I was going to be tan all the time , I was going to be enjoying life and experiencing new things ! In case I did not mention it before … my mother and I do not get along . She is controlling . She tells my business to everyone including the fact that I dated a man who was in a relationship . She thought that everyone should know . She also always had to know where I was at all times , and that included when I was 21 years old . Anyways , I decided to enjoy life as much as possible before moving across the damn country . My friend , my sister , and my dogs , and me ( of course ) , packed up the car and went to Lake Michigan . I took a bottle of vodka . I was blacking out on the way there . I met a cute guy at the gas station . I was too shy to of course get his number . I had fun at the lake that day . I ruined it . I was stumbling everywhere . I pissed in a bush . I was screaming at cars next to us . I was hanging my head out the door . I was going back to the gas station , getting more alcohol , flirting ( again ) , and leaving . I drank the whole way home . I burned my friend 's seats in her car . She was so pissed . I don 't really remember that part . We can leave that out and maybe talk about it later . Anyways , I got home . I tried getting more alcohol . I took the car around the block . My little sister was calling me over and over again . I almost crashed into a damn curb . I got home , and she was so mad . She was yelling at me . I just remember laughing . I remember thinking everything was funny . Why not fuck my life up along with other people 's relationships with me ? I don 't care if they love me or not . It doesn 't matter because I hate myself . I don 't even know how I got to this point . When she left , I invited a boy over . I honestly can barely remember inviting him over . He came though . I throw all my clothes in my room . I acted cute . He had sex with me and took the one thing that I valued in myself . It was gone and I would never get it back . In all reality , I gave it away like it didn 't matter . He even tried to have sex with me on the picnic table . My neighbor 's were right inside . It was their table . I finally pushed him off and he was gone . A few days later , I invited a new guy over . The same thing happened . I barely remember it the next morning . It doesn 't matter though , right ? I am a women now . I had to be drunk for it to happen but at least someone had sex with me . At least , I would not be a 22 year old virgin . That is all that matters . It does not even matter that I got an STD that was , by the way , 100 % curable . As long as I can say I am a woman . To me , it was damaging . The way I was raised . The way my mom tried to teach me to value myself . I just threw it away to men who just wanted to pound me from behind . They gave two shits other than the fact that their dick was getting wet . And , that is the honest truth . All I cared about was being socially acceptable . In the end though , I felt like shit . I still think about those nights I wish I could forget forever . I think it was just because I always wanted sex to mean something . I was raised that way . I mean I could have at least used a condom for both of them . I made mistakes , though . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017March 29 , 2017Tags alcoholic , blog , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , survivorLeave a comment on The Day I Lost It . Where It ( Kinda ) Begins I always hear that everyone has a past . Everyone has a story to tell , and everyone has been through something that someone else has related to . But , what happens when you are only 23 years old and you have nobody to share these experiences with ? What happens when you don 't know how to get better and you don 't know how to make everyone happy ? I love so many people and I don 't want them to watch me kill myself anymore . I am slowly dying and I am only 23 years old . I choose every single morning and throughout my day to slowly kill myself . It is like I don 't know this person who makes these choices . I am taken over and someone else is living my life . I wake up to people literally hating me . I literally hate myself sometimes . I am not ready to die . I use to live by the this , Fairytales are dead . I don 't even know what that means anymore . I made that up when I was 13 . To tell you the truth me being alive right now is my fairytale . The truth is I should have died a long time ago . I used to be excited for death . I was actually raised in church . I strongly believe in God . I always have and I know that he is always with me . But , I also know that God does not want me to take my own life . He has a path that he wants to live . There is a reason that I am alive ! I still don 't know why I am alive . I think one day I will know , and when I know I want to say that Fairytales aren 't dead . I hope one day to look back on these words and to say that there was a reason that I lived . My story begins the first time that I fell in love with alcohol . This is what slowly decided to take my life and destroy me . It took away over two years of my life . It filled the void of being rejected . It helped with my first breakup . I remember that he left me without no explanation , and that always hurt me the most . He disappeared . After telling me that he wanted to spend his life with me , he wanted to have children with me , and he wanted me forever . I was only 20 years old when I met this man . And , he will never know the effects that he had on me . I can still remember me meeting him for the first time , and I never believed that he would like me . He did , though . I am no longer going to try to make this sound romantic . What he did was wrong . He tried to make me have sex with him . I was a virgin at 20 years old , and he saw the chance to get in my pants . He said all the right words at all the right times . He was adorable , and I will never forget the way I felt about him . Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world and it is something that you are never going to forget . But once it is gone , and it is really gone , you have to find a way to fill that void . And , I choose alcohol . We never had sex . Once he seen that I was real about that , he left , and I cried . And , I spent a long time blaming myself . I was turning 21 when he left . I sent the last text message to him when I was turning 21 . I spent weeks , months , and valuable time trying to forget him with alcohol . I would cry to my mother , to my friends , to strangers , to anyone about him ! I would lay in my shower and cry until I couldn 't cry anymore . I would wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him . I would send him messages randomly . Hoping he would answer . Sometimes , he actually would . Sometimes , he would act the same . Other times , he just wanted nudes . I can never blame a person for my addiction . It was definitely the start of one , though . That was the point where I did not care anymore . I would drink in my closet . I would drink in the middle of the day . And , I would drink in the morning . I would be throwing up in the kitchen sink and crying in front of my mom . Months went by , the alcohol followed . It followed me to the bars . Where I made out with men that are over their 40 's and police officers in the small town that I was from . I tried to fill his place with other guys . For some reason , that was the only thing that ever made me feel the slightest better . I spent the New Year of 2015 , in a bar . I met a guy . I made out with him in front of people . I fooled around with him in a car , and giggled about my virginity in his ear . The next morning , I had texts from him and I was confused . I don 't want anyone but the guy I first loved . It was so stupid for me to think like this . It was so stupid for me to always trying to finding guys to feel the void of whatever I was missing . And you know what that was ? That was the love I had for myself . It was completely something that did not exist . How sad for me to even say . And , I constantly think of that feeling that I do not have . This hate for myself . Why am I so willing to throw myself at men who do not care for me in the slightest ? Why do I care so much about relationships that lead me to nothing but damage ? How did a hate become my love for alcohol ? Hi . My name is Courtney . I am 23 years old . I am an alcoholic . I am not ashamed of myself anymore . I am ready to heal . I am ready to discover my identity . I am ready to tell my story . I am ready to heal . I am ready to love myself . |
Tag : life Tired I 'm not really physically tired . I am mentally tired . I feel like I fighting an uphill battle that I have been losing for so long . . I wish that I could go back in time . I know that I probably mentioned that before , but I really mean it . The place I am in life is almost like everything I wouldn 't want to be at this age . Each day is so fast , and a lot of days I don 't remember due to blacking out from alcohol , or passing out from alcohol , or just being a dumb alcoholic . I have been doing better with my alcohol intake . I still drink a lot but I haven 't been getting as trashed as I did in the past . I guess it 's baby steps for me . I don 't really sit there and think about it all day or all night if I don 't have any . Then , I will reward myself by drinking . When I drink I picture myself dying . I don 't know why it has this negative effect on me . I imagine that is something that runs in my blood . My uncle ( father 's brother ) was very into drugs and alcohol at a young age . He is still living , but he is living in prison for murdering his lover . What if that is going to be me ? I become so incredibly violent when I drink . I fear that I will wake up in a cell , and never leave again . I fear that this is my life . I fear it and I live in constant fear . I don 't know why I can 't change . It might be because I don 't have the willpower . I pray that I am not mentally ill and I just won 't ever get better . I hope this is the little moment in my life where I have lost myself so completely but I am going to find myself again . I have been stuck in this place for almost 3 years . Even before alcohol , I had issues . I was always depressed , crying in the shower , cutting myself , burning myself , trying to lose weight , and wanting to wake up and become someone else . The worst part of it all is that I sit here day after day waiting to get better . I wait for someone to make my life better and for all of this to make sense . It isn 't . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on June 12 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , depression , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Tired Losing My Mind Well , waking up in a hospital without your phone , in blue paper scrubs , and surrounded by at least 30 people in a big room is not the right way to wake up . The first worry that morning was that I was stuck and I finally was were I was supposed to be . Well , I was in the part of the hospital that people made jokes about . You guessed it , I was in the pysch ward . I got up and waddled to the guard who was watching all of us . " Can I have my phone ? " I asked him . He was extremely cute . He was tall , dark blue eyes , and dark hair . He had a cute little gap between his teeth . And , I couldn 't believe I was standing in front of this cute boy in blue paper scrubs . Without a bra . And my hair was a mess . He shook his head . I asked if he could walk me outside to smoke a cigarette . Nope . I walked back to my bed and looked around . I was stuck with the crazy people . I was the crazy people . A lot of people laid in their beds . Some , cried . Cried for oxygen because he couldn 't breath . One was calling me " pretty girl " . Another one was screaming at the staff . Another , walking around in a blanket and staring at everyone like we were the answer to life . If you aren 't crazy or think you are go ahead and spend 15 minutes here . You will believe you are crazy . Being held under medical care was probably one of the most frustrating things of my life . I was brought into this huge room and asked for the doctor over and over again . I wanted to go home . I had to be at work by 3 and it was 8 a . m . I was going to sue the place . I was going to walk out . " Don 't act like a donkey , again . " One of the floor techs told me . Why was I being held ? How did I get out ? What were my legal rights ? Where the fuck was my doctor ? Why did I have to wait so fucking long to see him or her ? Why were my nurses prescribing me xanax to calm down ? Why am I in this fucking room with 30 other crazy patients ? Finally , after asking 10 times , the nurse came and asked me a million questions . Did I want to die ? Did I do drugs ? Why did I feel the need to drink ? Why was I so violent last night ? Why did I escape the hospital and go missing for over 5 hours ? Why did I threaten to kill myself ? Why was I here ? Have I ever been diagnosed with any mental disorders ? Was I abused ? I wanted to die because I was numb ! I have no more fucking feelings anymore ! I felt the need to drink because that is the one thing that can make me feel alive . I was violent because you crazy people strapped me down to a bed and I screamed until they finally knocked me out with drugs ! I escaped because I wanted to drink more . I mean I was being held against my will anyways . I wanted to die , duh . I wanted to die . I have anxiety . Yes , in fact , sexually and physical . You 're point . Can I go home now ? My sister wanted to go shopping for cars . I was living in a 2 bedroom trailer with 9 people and 2 dogs . My fucking bedroom was in the living room , my bed was literally in the living , and I shared it with my sister . I was working a barely above minimum paying job , and I was stressed out beyond you 're imagination . It was August , and it was hot out , and I also lived in South Carolina . I was excited to go car shopping with my sister . I took at least 4 Xanaxs before we left the house . By the time we hit town , I was buying alcohol . Let 's remember it was only 1 p . m . I was fucked up . And , well , I didn 't care . We went to car place after car place . I was starting to black out at this point . I was stumbling in places , and I was making a joke of myself . I always did that . I can still do that , but I think that it must be a magic power , and that is to look like such a joke . I remember they fixed my car 's air conditioning . I was sitting in the car . I starting crying to my sister . I told her that I didn 't feel like life was worth it , anymore . There was no more purpose in life . Somedays , okay almost everyday , I thought of killing myself . I did not what to live anymore . I remember crying and I was fucked up in the middle of the day . I went on and on . While she was being her first car , I was complaining about my stupid life . We waited for papers . I cried . And cried . I was so fucked up by those little pills and those couple of drinks . I always had to ruin everything . Everywhere I went , I brought tears and drama . My life was so hard , but maybe it was harder for the people who were watching my pathetic tragedy . I was the pathetic tragedy . By the time I got home , my sister took my mom for a ride in her new car , and I was waiting on the steps for police to escort me to the hospital . My sister came home and told me the cops were coming because I was acting suicidal all day . I heard the sirens coming . I watched the cop come up to my car were I was laughing and making a fool out of myself . My mom , my sister , my dad , my nieces , my friends , my neighbors , my aunt and uncle , and whoever else was there that I remember , watched the cop and the EMT 's threaten me . I either got in the ambulance with them or I got handcuffed and brought to the hospital . Either way , it was legal because the cop heard me say I wanted to die . I decided to ride in the ambulance . I called the paramedic a bitch . I laughed in the cops face . I waved at him as he escorted the ride behind . It was all a joke . It was a joke as they all escorted me into the hospital and it was a joke when I had to want in the intake area to see if I was on drugs and to see if I had to stay . I watched crazy people coming into the same area I was in . I seen a young man in a wheelchair shaking his head back and forth and screaming . A nurse drew my blood . I acted nice , and I let her do it . When she turned her back , I ran , and I ran like hell . Right past other patients , right past the staff and nurses , and right outside . I ran out of the hospital , past the security , past the highway , past the long grassy area that went on for miles , I just kept on running . I didn 't even know where I was going . I didn 't even live in this area . All I know was that I had my credit card . I had enough to buy some beer and cigarettes . I would fill in the blanks from there . It was probably about 6 p . m . when I ran away . I went to a small gas station and I got a couple beers . I took my beers to a bus station . And , I hung out there . I sang to myself . I sang hymns I knew from a child . I grew up singing and I grew up wanting to be a singer . When I drink , I sing . And I sang , as people came up to me and talked to me . The bus driver asked me who I was . I said I ran from the hospital . He laughed and drove away . He told me his daughter was my age , and he told me to be safe . I laughed as he drove off . I might be dead . If that is safe . I literally remember thinking that to myself . A man I met , told me his father was in the nursing home I worked at . He grabbed my butt . He stroked my back , and he tried to kiss me . He was probably in his early 50 's . I was to drunk to comprehend what was happening . He ran off , and I stayed there drunk . I hope he realized what he was doing was fucked up beyond any comprehension . Finally , I had enough . I crawled onto a busy road , and I laid there . I waited for someone to find me . Finally , a van came and slammed on their brakes when they seen that I was laying the middle of the road . " Honey ? Where are you supposed to be ? Why are you laying the middle of the street ? You could have been hit ! " They were freaking out . I was laughing . Before they came , I was closing my eyes and pretending I was dead . They brought me to the gas station and immediately called 911 . The worker there told me I could have anything there . The cops came . I tried to escape , but honestly I was too drunk . I got handcuffed for the first time in my life . And , I was put in the back of the police car . I cried to them , and I begged them not to take me to that horrible hospital . I cried and pleaded . They didn 't really say much of anything . I just remember being hysterical on the whole ride back to the hospital . How did I end up in the same position that I was in hours before ? Turns out that there was an amber alert for my drunk ass . When I left the hospital , they notified my family , and sent it out . People where actually looking for me while I sang to myself in a stupid bus station . My sister , my mom , and my friends sent out messages to everyone I knew asking if they knew where I was . I was wandering the city and I was suicidal and crazy and they were probably worried . They brought me back to that dumb intake area . And I fought , like hell . I was punching , hitting , kicking , spitting , screaming , and acting like they were trying to kill me . It took at least 6 people to strap me down into the bed . I screamed for what seemed like forever . Finally , she came in with a shot , and whatever was in that shot knocked me out . I told her she was a cunt as she stabbed me in the arm with whatever drug . She smiled , and told me it was okay . Bless her ability not to spit back in my face . I woke the next morning with the entire staff making sure I wouldn 't do what I did the night before . I woke up in blue scrubs . I woke up around crazy people . I woke up sharing a bathroom with 30 or 40 other people . We had to have our blood pressure taken around the clock , I had to be supervised . I had to take on the phone in front of the staff . I couldn 't be left alone . I felt like a prisoner . I felt like this was the worst of the worst . I just was glad that people were actually there to supervise me . I was only held for 2 nights or one and a half days . Which ever way you looked at it . Personally , it was 2 nights , 2 days , and I remember every second . Every smell . Every meal . Every nurse . The doctor . The guards . My small bed . I will never forget those 2 days and 2 nights . They diagnosed me with anxiety disorder . I already could have told you I had that . When I went to sign out , my phone was missing . I have no idea where I dropped it . My mom , my dad , and my friend picked me up . I felt like I was getting out of prison . The truth is everyday , I am searching for that reason . The first thing I picture is my little sister . The person who is my rock in more ways than one . I picture my dad . I picture my little brother . I picture my friends , and distant relatives . I keep going . I keep trying . I am literally living for others . Maybe , that is what life is about . Finally , realizing that you are here for more reasons than just yourself . That is why I am here . For more reasons than my own . I pray to God to forgive me , and somehow I feel a little bit more strength to get through another day . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on April 5 , 2017April 5 , 2017Tags addiction , alcoholic , blog , death , family , friends , God , healing , hospital , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , strength , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Losing My Mind Slowly It 's not like I ever meant to develop a problem . One day , I was 14 years old and camping with a friend and her family . It was the first time I ever got drunk . I remember feeling like I could do anything , I could say anything , and it was funny . I could have confidence . I could make new friends , and nobody could really judge me right ? Because I was drunk . I ran through the campgrounds screaming , trying to crawl in the water , I tried hugging everyone I seen . It was the best night of my life . After that night , I learned that I loved alcohol . If I got alcohol , I had to get as drunk as I could , and I had to be the most intoxicated out of everyone else . That was always my goal . At that point , I was on top of the world , and nothing could stop me . I spent my teen years searching for any chance to drink . Usually , it involved friend 's parents who didn 't care that we drank . I used people at such a young age for something that was destructing my life . I still remember my first high school dance that I went to . My mom brought me to the dress store in town . I remember walking by as a little girl and admiring all the pretty dresses . I always thought one day I could by a dress from there . At 16 , I finally did ! It was light blue . I had to get it altered to fit me . My chest is busty and well that always made things hard to fit . I curled my hair , I did my make - up , and my friends all came over so we could take pictures together . It was 4 of us . They were all my best friends and they begged me to come with . I always refused to go to dances because I never felt pretty and I always felt fat . I remember my friend telling me that I looked gorgeous . And , we all agreed we were going to get fucked up after . We ended up drinking in my friend 's basement . Her parents had a bar and they left us have a couple of drinks . It ended up me and my best friend taking so many shots that we could barely walk . I remember my friend 's mom thinking it was funny and everyone laughing . We were having so much fun . It all changed when they were ready for bed . My best friend and I walked in and out of their house at least 20 times . She had a huge family and they could hear us laughing , falling , and trying to be quiet . We ended up smoking all of my other friend 's cigarettes and we actually made out . We were just goofing off . The next morning , we were asked to leave . They did not want us there . My friend and I walked over a mile to find a phone so my dad could pick us up . That was the first time that I ruined a night with my drinking . What was supposed to be a fun night turned out to be a night I just ruined , and the pattern followed me . I was always creating trouble , and I thought I was just creating memories that people would laugh about later . Instead , I was creating enemies . I just loved to be black out drunk . I would encourage my mom to buy us drinks . She would say one and I would have 12 . She would buy wine , let me have a cup , and I would finish the entire glass of it . I would walk around the streets drunk , blacked out , no clue where I was going , and it didn 't matter because it was fun . I drank on Christmas night after I turned 21 . I decided it was not going to be a good night unless I was drunk . It was never a good night unless I was drunk . I feel like I couldn 't even enjoy people 's company and I couldn 't be myself . Anyways , on Christmas , I drank almost a whole bottle of liquor . I invited a friend over . My dad begged me not to drink that night , " Tomorrow , I will go to AA . " I said laughing and running up the stairs with my friend . Funny thing is , it took me two years to actually go . I ended up blacking out , heading my head on the toilet in the bathroom , and I broke the toilet . I do remember that I laid in the shower crying while the water ran on me . That was a pattern . My family listening to me crying and crying while I was drunk . One night , I got so drunk that I decided I was going to get out of the house in the middle of the night and just walk . I would go to the bridge that connected Wisconsin and Michigan , and I would jump . It was probably right around that Christmas . I can not remember if it was before or after . I never did leave . I wrote the note , though . I fell asleep on my closet floor , crying of course , and after taking a couple sleeping pills . I always thought that it was going to numb that pain . Instead , it created more pain . It created pain for my family and friends and this was only the beginning before I even moved down south . I became a burden to everyone . Drinking to me now is like playing a game with death . Now , in the present . I have been hospitalized twice since last September . I took an ambulance 4 times . I have been rushed to the ER by family . I 'm scared to drink . I just keep telling myself that if I drink today , I might be dead tomorrow . I try to scare myself . I don 't want to be another girl from my small town who killed herself . Who everyone pities and wishes they would have done something . The truth is no matter what anyone does or says I am the only person in control and nothing will change that . I am in control . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 30 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , destruction , family , friends , healing , life , personal , self harm , story , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Slowly Leaving I moved from norther Michigan to the south almost 2 years ago . I thought that it was going to be a really good change . I had to leave a lot of friends and I was going to be with my family , again . My mom took a train to come get us . She does not do well under pressure or something . She was so upset that we did not finish packing up our apartment . And , a few days before that I found out that I had gotten that STD ( it was curable ) . I was so stressed and even contemplating moving down there . All my friends begged me not to go because they all know what my mother is like . But , I insisted on moving . We only had my little white car to bring us to our new home . My mom had left her stuff behind with us . The only reason my mom , my dad , and my brother left was because we were evicted from our house that we lived in for a year . They stopped paying the bills , and I stopped caring about helping them . I gave up at this point . They had burned every bridge in this small town with different landlords , the electric company , and even other people . They would have not been able to find a home . So , they left us and moved down south to live in a trailer on my second uncle 's property . Anyways , they left their stuff with us in the apartment and we had to fit just our stuff in the car . My mom came to just get what she could of hers in the car . That was her secret mission . And , she had flipped shit when she realized my sister and I just wanted our stuff in the car ! She is crazy , I told you that , but she is really crazy . She was throwing stuff around , complaining , and getting in fights with one of my best friends . She was screaming , " Shut the fuck up " over and over again at my friend . My friend thought it was the funniest thing in the world . She was just there to spend time with us and help us pack everything before we left . This was the same friend that I burned all the seats in her car from the trip at Lake Michigan . I had my friend get me out of the apartment . She took to me to her house and I chugged a beer . I was so stressed about moving . Did I really want to move there ? When I got back to the apartment , my mom was still throwing her fit . Finally , I took a water bottle that I had , threw it down and screamed , " You are a fucking cunt ! " It got pretty quiet , and I went and locked myself in the bathroom where I had to try to calm myself down . All while , my friend , my sister , and my mom where fighting in the other room . " You both should have just stayed here ! I wish I never came ! " I heard my mom yelling . All of the neighbors downstairs , who were also the landlords , were listening to everything that was happening . We had just that day to get out . I just went in sat in my beat up white car with the doors locked . It was like I was in another world and like I couldn 't move , I couldn 't think , and I just wanted to go back in time where I agreed upon moving there . She followed me outside where she was pounding on the windows and screaming for me to get out . She threatened to break the windows and pop the tires . It was like I was frozen though and I didn 't want to move and to deal with her . Sometimes , I imagine hitting her over and over again . That is such a horrible thing to say about your own mother . But , she honestly will drive anyone to that point . Finally , we packed up all my happiness and threw a lot of stuff away . I was going to miss this place so much , and all the memories I had to such a short time . I really grew accustomed to living here . It was one of the best times of my life , and I wish that I could take it back . I spent a long time realizing that part of my life was never going to come back . I could grieve it all I wanted but it was gone . We were not coming back , and life here was going to go on without us . I had to leave the job behind that I was at for 3 years . I was so used to all my coworkers and become pretty good friends with a lot of them . I was a CNA at a nursing home . I started when I was 18 , and I learned a lot there . It was my first job and the thing that I was used to . I tried not to cry saying goodbye to everyone . They all told me that they were excited for me to go on this journey and to be going somewhere new . I didn 't want to leave , though . This life was what I was used to . We finally got the apartment cleaned up . It was hard getting rid of everything . It was even harder knowing that this taste of independence might not come back for a while . Being that far from my mother was coming to a very short end . We spent the night with my friends . I cried in the little white car as we left . It was just like there was some hope in me that things were going to get better . I just kept trying to tell myself that over and over again . While , I sat and waited for my sister to close her bank account up . It was a long drive . It was a lot of fighting where my mother reminded us that we should have stayed . It was like this wave of depression was just pulling me under it 's current slowly . I couldn 't even think as I listened to her screaming the whole fucking time . I always try to remain optimistic even if things are falling apart . I try to imagine what life could be like and sometimes I get in all messed up in my head . I live more in my head than I do in real life . It was nice seeing all of the different states on the way down . We had some family down here that I got to met and I was pretty excited about meeting them . Maybe I could get close with them . I never really had any family that I was close with other than my sister who is my best friend . I could find a job that wasn 't in nursing and maybe it could be something interesting and new . Maybe , I would met a guy down here . Maybe , my life would be exciting and better than before . When we got to our destination , reality hit , hard . We lived in the middle of nowhere ! In the smallest fucking town . We pulled up in our driveway . All I see is three homes and the one that is ours is the one that is falling apart . You can 't even walk up the stairs without them all moving and you falling . 5 people in a 2 bedroom trailer . One bathroom . We slept on a pull - out couch . All while my mother is telling us on our first night there that we should have just fucking stayed and she wishes we would just go back . My dad was so happy to see us . He was disappointed to see how she was treating us . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017Tags blog , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Leaving The Day I Lost It . I grew up in an extremely small town . Have you ever heard of northern Michigan ? That is where I am from . Everyone knows everyone . I felt like I had to get away . And , I would find these amazing life . Everyone loved me . Everyone understood me . I could be myself . All I had to do was leave this stupid little northern town in the middle of nowhere . Then , I would have made real life experiences ! My parents moved away and left my sister and I in northern Michigan . It was the best time of my life . I could go wherever I wanted to go . I could see whoever the hell I wanted to see . I could drink until 5 am or I could sleep until 2 pm . Whatever I wanted to do , the world was in my hands . It was honestly the best time of my life . I had friends coming and going . I had bottles of vodka on hand . I was crawling up stairs . I was reading magazines in the bathtub , and dancing in the middle of the night while my sister was at work . I was so incredibly happy ! However , I had so much damn pressure to move . My friend was leaving the town and she wanted us to move to a bigger city . My family was in the south . I was so incredibly lost ! Who was I suppose to be around ? I did have an amazing job . I made great friends there , and I was actually making okay money for my age . I was able to support myself . I just did not know what to do . I felt so much damn pressure . My sister and I decided to move across the god damn country . I had to say goodbye to so many people . I was moving to warmer climate , I was going to be tan all the time , I was going to be enjoying life and experiencing new things ! In case I did not mention it before … my mother and I do not get along . She is controlling . She tells my business to everyone including the fact that I dated a man who was in a relationship . She thought that everyone should know . She also always had to know where I was at all times , and that included when I was 21 years old . Anyways , I decided to enjoy life as much as possible before moving across the damn country . My friend , my sister , and my dogs , and me ( of course ) , packed up the car and went to Lake Michigan . I took a bottle of vodka . I was blacking out on the way there . I met a cute guy at the gas station . I was too shy to of course get his number . I had fun at the lake that day . I ruined it . I was stumbling everywhere . I pissed in a bush . I was screaming at cars next to us . I was hanging my head out the door . I was going back to the gas station , getting more alcohol , flirting ( again ) , and leaving . I drank the whole way home . I burned my friend 's seats in her car . She was so pissed . I don 't really remember that part . We can leave that out and maybe talk about it later . Anyways , I got home . I tried getting more alcohol . I took the car around the block . My little sister was calling me over and over again . I almost crashed into a damn curb . I got home , and she was so mad . She was yelling at me . I just remember laughing . I remember thinking everything was funny . Why not fuck my life up along with other people 's relationships with me ? I don 't care if they love me or not . It doesn 't matter because I hate myself . I don 't even know how I got to this point . When she left , I invited a boy over . I honestly can barely remember inviting him over . He came though . I throw all my clothes in my room . I acted cute . He had sex with me and took the one thing that I valued in myself . It was gone and I would never get it back . In all reality , I gave it away like it didn 't matter . He even tried to have sex with me on the picnic table . My neighbor 's were right inside . It was their table . I finally pushed him off and he was gone . A few days later , I invited a new guy over . The same thing happened . I barely remember it the next morning . It doesn 't matter though , right ? I am a women now . I had to be drunk for it to happen but at least someone had sex with me . At least , I would not be a 22 year old virgin . That is all that matters . It does not even matter that I got an STD that was , by the way , 100 % curable . As long as I can say I am a woman . To me , it was damaging . The way I was raised . The way my mom tried to teach me to value myself . I just threw it away to men who just wanted to pound me from behind . They gave two shits other than the fact that their dick was getting wet . And , that is the honest truth . All I cared about was being socially acceptable . In the end though , I felt like shit . I still think about those nights I wish I could forget forever . I think it was just because I always wanted sex to mean something . I was raised that way . I mean I could have at least used a condom for both of them . I made mistakes , though . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017March 29 , 2017Tags alcoholic , blog , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , survivorLeave a comment on The Day I Lost It . Where It ( Kinda ) Begins I always hear that everyone has a past . Everyone has a story to tell , and everyone has been through something that someone else has related to . But , what happens when you are only 23 years old and you have nobody to share these experiences with ? What happens when you don 't know how to get better and you don 't know how to make everyone happy ? I love so many people and I don 't want them to watch me kill myself anymore . I am slowly dying and I am only 23 years old . I choose every single morning and throughout my day to slowly kill myself . It is like I don 't know this person who makes these choices . I am taken over and someone else is living my life . I wake up to people literally hating me . I literally hate myself sometimes . I am not ready to die . I use to live by the this , Fairytales are dead . I don 't even know what that means anymore . I made that up when I was 13 . To tell you the truth me being alive right now is my fairytale . The truth is I should have died a long time ago . I used to be excited for death . I was actually raised in church . I strongly believe in God . I always have and I know that he is always with me . But , I also know that God does not want me to take my own life . He has a path that he wants to live . There is a reason that I am alive ! I still don 't know why I am alive . I think one day I will know , and when I know I want to say that Fairytales aren 't dead . I hope one day to look back on these words and to say that there was a reason that I lived . My story begins the first time that I fell in love with alcohol . This is what slowly decided to take my life and destroy me . It took away over two years of my life . It filled the void of being rejected . It helped with my first breakup . I remember that he left me without no explanation , and that always hurt me the most . He disappeared . After telling me that he wanted to spend his life with me , he wanted to have children with me , and he wanted me forever . I was only 20 years old when I met this man . And , he will never know the effects that he had on me . I can still remember me meeting him for the first time , and I never believed that he would like me . He did , though . I am no longer going to try to make this sound romantic . What he did was wrong . He tried to make me have sex with him . I was a virgin at 20 years old , and he saw the chance to get in my pants . He said all the right words at all the right times . He was adorable , and I will never forget the way I felt about him . Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world and it is something that you are never going to forget . But once it is gone , and it is really gone , you have to find a way to fill that void . And , I choose alcohol . We never had sex . Once he seen that I was real about that , he left , and I cried . And , I spent a long time blaming myself . I was turning 21 when he left . I sent the last text message to him when I was turning 21 . I spent weeks , months , and valuable time trying to forget him with alcohol . I would cry to my mother , to my friends , to strangers , to anyone about him ! I would lay in my shower and cry until I couldn 't cry anymore . I would wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him . I would send him messages randomly . Hoping he would answer . Sometimes , he actually would . Sometimes , he would act the same . Other times , he just wanted nudes . I can never blame a person for my addiction . It was definitely the start of one , though . That was the point where I did not care anymore . I would drink in my closet . I would drink in the middle of the day . And , I would drink in the morning . I would be throwing up in the kitchen sink and crying in front of my mom . Months went by , the alcohol followed . It followed me to the bars . Where I made out with men that are over their 40 's and police officers in the small town that I was from . I tried to fill his place with other guys . For some reason , that was the only thing that ever made me feel the slightest better . I spent the New Year of 2015 , in a bar . I met a guy . I made out with him in front of people . I fooled around with him in a car , and giggled about my virginity in his ear . The next morning , I had texts from him and I was confused . I don 't want anyone but the guy I first loved . It was so stupid for me to think like this . It was so stupid for me to always trying to finding guys to feel the void of whatever I was missing . And you know what that was ? That was the love I had for myself . It was completely something that did not exist . How sad for me to even say . And , I constantly think of that feeling that I do not have . This hate for myself . Why am I so willing to throw myself at men who do not care for me in the slightest ? Why do I care so much about relationships that lead me to nothing but damage ? How did a hate become my love for alcohol ? Hi . My name is Courtney . I am 23 years old . I am an alcoholic . I am not ashamed of myself anymore . I am ready to heal . I am ready to discover my identity . I am ready to tell my story . I am ready to heal . I am ready to love myself . |
Author : fairytalesarentdead Tired I 'm not really physically tired . I am mentally tired . I feel like I fighting an uphill battle that I have been losing for so long . . I wish that I could go back in time . I know that I probably mentioned that before , but I really mean it . The place I am in life is almost like everything I wouldn 't want to be at this age . Each day is so fast , and a lot of days I don 't remember due to blacking out from alcohol , or passing out from alcohol , or just being a dumb alcoholic . I have been doing better with my alcohol intake . I still drink a lot but I haven 't been getting as trashed as I did in the past . I guess it 's baby steps for me . I don 't really sit there and think about it all day or all night if I don 't have any . Then , I will reward myself by drinking . When I drink I picture myself dying . I don 't know why it has this negative effect on me . I imagine that is something that runs in my blood . My uncle ( father 's brother ) was very into drugs and alcohol at a young age . He is still living , but he is living in prison for murdering his lover . What if that is going to be me ? I become so incredibly violent when I drink . I fear that I will wake up in a cell , and never leave again . I fear that this is my life . I fear it and I live in constant fear . I don 't know why I can 't change . It might be because I don 't have the willpower . I pray that I am not mentally ill and I just won 't ever get better . I hope this is the little moment in my life where I have lost myself so completely but I am going to find myself again . I have been stuck in this place for almost 3 years . Even before alcohol , I had issues . I was always depressed , crying in the shower , cutting myself , burning myself , trying to lose weight , and wanting to wake up and become someone else . The worst part of it all is that I sit here day after day waiting to get better . I wait for someone to make my life better and for all of this to make sense . It isn 't . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on June 12 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , depression , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Tired Losing My Mind Well , waking up in a hospital without your phone , in blue paper scrubs , and surrounded by at least 30 people in a big room is not the right way to wake up . The first worry that morning was that I was stuck and I finally was were I was supposed to be . Well , I was in the part of the hospital that people made jokes about . You guessed it , I was in the pysch ward . I got up and waddled to the guard who was watching all of us . " Can I have my phone ? " I asked him . He was extremely cute . He was tall , dark blue eyes , and dark hair . He had a cute little gap between his teeth . And , I couldn 't believe I was standing in front of this cute boy in blue paper scrubs . Without a bra . And my hair was a mess . He shook his head . I asked if he could walk me outside to smoke a cigarette . Nope . I walked back to my bed and looked around . I was stuck with the crazy people . I was the crazy people . A lot of people laid in their beds . Some , cried . Cried for oxygen because he couldn 't breath . One was calling me " pretty girl " . Another one was screaming at the staff . Another , walking around in a blanket and staring at everyone like we were the answer to life . If you aren 't crazy or think you are go ahead and spend 15 minutes here . You will believe you are crazy . Being held under medical care was probably one of the most frustrating things of my life . I was brought into this huge room and asked for the doctor over and over again . I wanted to go home . I had to be at work by 3 and it was 8 a . m . I was going to sue the place . I was going to walk out . " Don 't act like a donkey , again . " One of the floor techs told me . Why was I being held ? How did I get out ? What were my legal rights ? Where the fuck was my doctor ? Why did I have to wait so fucking long to see him or her ? Why were my nurses prescribing me xanax to calm down ? Why am I in this fucking room with 30 other crazy patients ? Finally , after asking 10 times , the nurse came and asked me a million questions . Did I want to die ? Did I do drugs ? Why did I feel the need to drink ? Why was I so violent last night ? Why did I escape the hospital and go missing for over 5 hours ? Why did I threaten to kill myself ? Why was I here ? Have I ever been diagnosed with any mental disorders ? Was I abused ? I wanted to die because I was numb ! I have no more fucking feelings anymore ! I felt the need to drink because that is the one thing that can make me feel alive . I was violent because you crazy people strapped me down to a bed and I screamed until they finally knocked me out with drugs ! I escaped because I wanted to drink more . I mean I was being held against my will anyways . I wanted to die , duh . I wanted to die . I have anxiety . Yes , in fact , sexually and physical . You 're point . Can I go home now ? My sister wanted to go shopping for cars . I was living in a 2 bedroom trailer with 9 people and 2 dogs . My fucking bedroom was in the living room , my bed was literally in the living , and I shared it with my sister . I was working a barely above minimum paying job , and I was stressed out beyond you 're imagination . It was August , and it was hot out , and I also lived in South Carolina . I was excited to go car shopping with my sister . I took at least 4 Xanaxs before we left the house . By the time we hit town , I was buying alcohol . Let 's remember it was only 1 p . m . I was fucked up . And , well , I didn 't care . We went to car place after car place . I was starting to black out at this point . I was stumbling in places , and I was making a joke of myself . I always did that . I can still do that , but I think that it must be a magic power , and that is to look like such a joke . I remember they fixed my car 's air conditioning . I was sitting in the car . I starting crying to my sister . I told her that I didn 't feel like life was worth it , anymore . There was no more purpose in life . Somedays , okay almost everyday , I thought of killing myself . I did not what to live anymore . I remember crying and I was fucked up in the middle of the day . I went on and on . While she was being her first car , I was complaining about my stupid life . We waited for papers . I cried . And cried . I was so fucked up by those little pills and those couple of drinks . I always had to ruin everything . Everywhere I went , I brought tears and drama . My life was so hard , but maybe it was harder for the people who were watching my pathetic tragedy . I was the pathetic tragedy . By the time I got home , my sister took my mom for a ride in her new car , and I was waiting on the steps for police to escort me to the hospital . My sister came home and told me the cops were coming because I was acting suicidal all day . I heard the sirens coming . I watched the cop come up to my car were I was laughing and making a fool out of myself . My mom , my sister , my dad , my nieces , my friends , my neighbors , my aunt and uncle , and whoever else was there that I remember , watched the cop and the EMT 's threaten me . I either got in the ambulance with them or I got handcuffed and brought to the hospital . Either way , it was legal because the cop heard me say I wanted to die . I decided to ride in the ambulance . I called the paramedic a bitch . I laughed in the cops face . I waved at him as he escorted the ride behind . It was all a joke . It was a joke as they all escorted me into the hospital and it was a joke when I had to want in the intake area to see if I was on drugs and to see if I had to stay . I watched crazy people coming into the same area I was in . I seen a young man in a wheelchair shaking his head back and forth and screaming . A nurse drew my blood . I acted nice , and I let her do it . When she turned her back , I ran , and I ran like hell . Right past other patients , right past the staff and nurses , and right outside . I ran out of the hospital , past the security , past the highway , past the long grassy area that went on for miles , I just kept on running . I didn 't even know where I was going . I didn 't even live in this area . All I know was that I had my credit card . I had enough to buy some beer and cigarettes . I would fill in the blanks from there . It was probably about 6 p . m . when I ran away . I went to a small gas station and I got a couple beers . I took my beers to a bus station . And , I hung out there . I sang to myself . I sang hymns I knew from a child . I grew up singing and I grew up wanting to be a singer . When I drink , I sing . And I sang , as people came up to me and talked to me . The bus driver asked me who I was . I said I ran from the hospital . He laughed and drove away . He told me his daughter was my age , and he told me to be safe . I laughed as he drove off . I might be dead . If that is safe . I literally remember thinking that to myself . A man I met , told me his father was in the nursing home I worked at . He grabbed my butt . He stroked my back , and he tried to kiss me . He was probably in his early 50 's . I was to drunk to comprehend what was happening . He ran off , and I stayed there drunk . I hope he realized what he was doing was fucked up beyond any comprehension . Finally , I had enough . I crawled onto a busy road , and I laid there . I waited for someone to find me . Finally , a van came and slammed on their brakes when they seen that I was laying the middle of the road . " Honey ? Where are you supposed to be ? Why are you laying the middle of the street ? You could have been hit ! " They were freaking out . I was laughing . Before they came , I was closing my eyes and pretending I was dead . They brought me to the gas station and immediately called 911 . The worker there told me I could have anything there . The cops came . I tried to escape , but honestly I was too drunk . I got handcuffed for the first time in my life . And , I was put in the back of the police car . I cried to them , and I begged them not to take me to that horrible hospital . I cried and pleaded . They didn 't really say much of anything . I just remember being hysterical on the whole ride back to the hospital . How did I end up in the same position that I was in hours before ? Turns out that there was an amber alert for my drunk ass . When I left the hospital , they notified my family , and sent it out . People where actually looking for me while I sang to myself in a stupid bus station . My sister , my mom , and my friends sent out messages to everyone I knew asking if they knew where I was . I was wandering the city and I was suicidal and crazy and they were probably worried . They brought me back to that dumb intake area . And I fought , like hell . I was punching , hitting , kicking , spitting , screaming , and acting like they were trying to kill me . It took at least 6 people to strap me down into the bed . I screamed for what seemed like forever . Finally , she came in with a shot , and whatever was in that shot knocked me out . I told her she was a cunt as she stabbed me in the arm with whatever drug . She smiled , and told me it was okay . Bless her ability not to spit back in my face . I woke the next morning with the entire staff making sure I wouldn 't do what I did the night before . I woke up in blue scrubs . I woke up around crazy people . I woke up sharing a bathroom with 30 or 40 other people . We had to have our blood pressure taken around the clock , I had to be supervised . I had to take on the phone in front of the staff . I couldn 't be left alone . I felt like a prisoner . I felt like this was the worst of the worst . I just was glad that people were actually there to supervise me . I was only held for 2 nights or one and a half days . Which ever way you looked at it . Personally , it was 2 nights , 2 days , and I remember every second . Every smell . Every meal . Every nurse . The doctor . The guards . My small bed . I will never forget those 2 days and 2 nights . They diagnosed me with anxiety disorder . I already could have told you I had that . When I went to sign out , my phone was missing . I have no idea where I dropped it . My mom , my dad , and my friend picked me up . I felt like I was getting out of prison . The truth is everyday , I am searching for that reason . The first thing I picture is my little sister . The person who is my rock in more ways than one . I picture my dad . I picture my little brother . I picture my friends , and distant relatives . I keep going . I keep trying . I am literally living for others . Maybe , that is what life is about . Finally , realizing that you are here for more reasons than just yourself . That is why I am here . For more reasons than my own . I pray to God to forgive me , and somehow I feel a little bit more strength to get through another day . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on April 5 , 2017April 5 , 2017Tags addiction , alcoholic , blog , death , family , friends , God , healing , hospital , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , strength , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Losing My Mind Slowly It 's not like I ever meant to develop a problem . One day , I was 14 years old and camping with a friend and her family . It was the first time I ever got drunk . I remember feeling like I could do anything , I could say anything , and it was funny . I could have confidence . I could make new friends , and nobody could really judge me right ? Because I was drunk . I ran through the campgrounds screaming , trying to crawl in the water , I tried hugging everyone I seen . It was the best night of my life . After that night , I learned that I loved alcohol . If I got alcohol , I had to get as drunk as I could , and I had to be the most intoxicated out of everyone else . That was always my goal . At that point , I was on top of the world , and nothing could stop me . I spent my teen years searching for any chance to drink . Usually , it involved friend 's parents who didn 't care that we drank . I used people at such a young age for something that was destructing my life . I still remember my first high school dance that I went to . My mom brought me to the dress store in town . I remember walking by as a little girl and admiring all the pretty dresses . I always thought one day I could by a dress from there . At 16 , I finally did ! It was light blue . I had to get it altered to fit me . My chest is busty and well that always made things hard to fit . I curled my hair , I did my make - up , and my friends all came over so we could take pictures together . It was 4 of us . They were all my best friends and they begged me to come with . I always refused to go to dances because I never felt pretty and I always felt fat . I remember my friend telling me that I looked gorgeous . And , we all agreed we were going to get fucked up after . We ended up drinking in my friend 's basement . Her parents had a bar and they left us have a couple of drinks . It ended up me and my best friend taking so many shots that we could barely walk . I remember my friend 's mom thinking it was funny and everyone laughing . We were having so much fun . It all changed when they were ready for bed . My best friend and I walked in and out of their house at least 20 times . She had a huge family and they could hear us laughing , falling , and trying to be quiet . We ended up smoking all of my other friend 's cigarettes and we actually made out . We were just goofing off . The next morning , we were asked to leave . They did not want us there . My friend and I walked over a mile to find a phone so my dad could pick us up . That was the first time that I ruined a night with my drinking . What was supposed to be a fun night turned out to be a night I just ruined , and the pattern followed me . I was always creating trouble , and I thought I was just creating memories that people would laugh about later . Instead , I was creating enemies . I just loved to be black out drunk . I would encourage my mom to buy us drinks . She would say one and I would have 12 . She would buy wine , let me have a cup , and I would finish the entire glass of it . I would walk around the streets drunk , blacked out , no clue where I was going , and it didn 't matter because it was fun . I drank on Christmas night after I turned 21 . I decided it was not going to be a good night unless I was drunk . It was never a good night unless I was drunk . I feel like I couldn 't even enjoy people 's company and I couldn 't be myself . Anyways , on Christmas , I drank almost a whole bottle of liquor . I invited a friend over . My dad begged me not to drink that night , " Tomorrow , I will go to AA . " I said laughing and running up the stairs with my friend . Funny thing is , it took me two years to actually go . I ended up blacking out , heading my head on the toilet in the bathroom , and I broke the toilet . I do remember that I laid in the shower crying while the water ran on me . That was a pattern . My family listening to me crying and crying while I was drunk . One night , I got so drunk that I decided I was going to get out of the house in the middle of the night and just walk . I would go to the bridge that connected Wisconsin and Michigan , and I would jump . It was probably right around that Christmas . I can not remember if it was before or after . I never did leave . I wrote the note , though . I fell asleep on my closet floor , crying of course , and after taking a couple sleeping pills . I always thought that it was going to numb that pain . Instead , it created more pain . It created pain for my family and friends and this was only the beginning before I even moved down south . I became a burden to everyone . Drinking to me now is like playing a game with death . Now , in the present . I have been hospitalized twice since last September . I took an ambulance 4 times . I have been rushed to the ER by family . I 'm scared to drink . I just keep telling myself that if I drink today , I might be dead tomorrow . I try to scare myself . I don 't want to be another girl from my small town who killed herself . Who everyone pities and wishes they would have done something . The truth is no matter what anyone does or says I am the only person in control and nothing will change that . I am in control . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 30 , 2017Tags addict , addiction , alcoholic , blog , destruction , family , friends , healing , life , personal , self harm , story , suicide , survivorLeave a comment on Slowly Leaving I moved from norther Michigan to the south almost 2 years ago . I thought that it was going to be a really good change . I had to leave a lot of friends and I was going to be with my family , again . My mom took a train to come get us . She does not do well under pressure or something . She was so upset that we did not finish packing up our apartment . And , a few days before that I found out that I had gotten that STD ( it was curable ) . I was so stressed and even contemplating moving down there . All my friends begged me not to go because they all know what my mother is like . But , I insisted on moving . We only had my little white car to bring us to our new home . My mom had left her stuff behind with us . The only reason my mom , my dad , and my brother left was because we were evicted from our house that we lived in for a year . They stopped paying the bills , and I stopped caring about helping them . I gave up at this point . They had burned every bridge in this small town with different landlords , the electric company , and even other people . They would have not been able to find a home . So , they left us and moved down south to live in a trailer on my second uncle 's property . Anyways , they left their stuff with us in the apartment and we had to fit just our stuff in the car . My mom came to just get what she could of hers in the car . That was her secret mission . And , she had flipped shit when she realized my sister and I just wanted our stuff in the car ! She is crazy , I told you that , but she is really crazy . She was throwing stuff around , complaining , and getting in fights with one of my best friends . She was screaming , " Shut the fuck up " over and over again at my friend . My friend thought it was the funniest thing in the world . She was just there to spend time with us and help us pack everything before we left . This was the same friend that I burned all the seats in her car from the trip at Lake Michigan . I had my friend get me out of the apartment . She took to me to her house and I chugged a beer . I was so stressed about moving . Did I really want to move there ? When I got back to the apartment , my mom was still throwing her fit . Finally , I took a water bottle that I had , threw it down and screamed , " You are a fucking cunt ! " It got pretty quiet , and I went and locked myself in the bathroom where I had to try to calm myself down . All while , my friend , my sister , and my mom where fighting in the other room . " You both should have just stayed here ! I wish I never came ! " I heard my mom yelling . All of the neighbors downstairs , who were also the landlords , were listening to everything that was happening . We had just that day to get out . I just went in sat in my beat up white car with the doors locked . It was like I was in another world and like I couldn 't move , I couldn 't think , and I just wanted to go back in time where I agreed upon moving there . She followed me outside where she was pounding on the windows and screaming for me to get out . She threatened to break the windows and pop the tires . It was like I was frozen though and I didn 't want to move and to deal with her . Sometimes , I imagine hitting her over and over again . That is such a horrible thing to say about your own mother . But , she honestly will drive anyone to that point . Finally , we packed up all my happiness and threw a lot of stuff away . I was going to miss this place so much , and all the memories I had to such a short time . I really grew accustomed to living here . It was one of the best times of my life , and I wish that I could take it back . I spent a long time realizing that part of my life was never going to come back . I could grieve it all I wanted but it was gone . We were not coming back , and life here was going to go on without us . I had to leave the job behind that I was at for 3 years . I was so used to all my coworkers and become pretty good friends with a lot of them . I was a CNA at a nursing home . I started when I was 18 , and I learned a lot there . It was my first job and the thing that I was used to . I tried not to cry saying goodbye to everyone . They all told me that they were excited for me to go on this journey and to be going somewhere new . I didn 't want to leave , though . This life was what I was used to . We finally got the apartment cleaned up . It was hard getting rid of everything . It was even harder knowing that this taste of independence might not come back for a while . Being that far from my mother was coming to a very short end . We spent the night with my friends . I cried in the little white car as we left . It was just like there was some hope in me that things were going to get better . I just kept trying to tell myself that over and over again . While , I sat and waited for my sister to close her bank account up . It was a long drive . It was a lot of fighting where my mother reminded us that we should have stayed . It was like this wave of depression was just pulling me under it 's current slowly . I couldn 't even think as I listened to her screaming the whole fucking time . I always try to remain optimistic even if things are falling apart . I try to imagine what life could be like and sometimes I get in all messed up in my head . I live more in my head than I do in real life . It was nice seeing all of the different states on the way down . We had some family down here that I got to met and I was pretty excited about meeting them . Maybe I could get close with them . I never really had any family that I was close with other than my sister who is my best friend . I could find a job that wasn 't in nursing and maybe it could be something interesting and new . Maybe , I would met a guy down here . Maybe , my life would be exciting and better than before . When we got to our destination , reality hit , hard . We lived in the middle of nowhere ! In the smallest fucking town . We pulled up in our driveway . All I see is three homes and the one that is ours is the one that is falling apart . You can 't even walk up the stairs without them all moving and you falling . 5 people in a 2 bedroom trailer . One bathroom . We slept on a pull - out couch . All while my mother is telling us on our first night there that we should have just fucking stayed and she wishes we would just go back . My dad was so happy to see us . He was disappointed to see how she was treating us . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017Tags blog , life , personal , storyLeave a comment on Leaving The Day I Lost It . I grew up in an extremely small town . Have you ever heard of northern Michigan ? That is where I am from . Everyone knows everyone . I felt like I had to get away . And , I would find these amazing life . Everyone loved me . Everyone understood me . I could be myself . All I had to do was leave this stupid little northern town in the middle of nowhere . Then , I would have made real life experiences ! My parents moved away and left my sister and I in northern Michigan . It was the best time of my life . I could go wherever I wanted to go . I could see whoever the hell I wanted to see . I could drink until 5 am or I could sleep until 2 pm . Whatever I wanted to do , the world was in my hands . It was honestly the best time of my life . I had friends coming and going . I had bottles of vodka on hand . I was crawling up stairs . I was reading magazines in the bathtub , and dancing in the middle of the night while my sister was at work . I was so incredibly happy ! However , I had so much damn pressure to move . My friend was leaving the town and she wanted us to move to a bigger city . My family was in the south . I was so incredibly lost ! Who was I suppose to be around ? I did have an amazing job . I made great friends there , and I was actually making okay money for my age . I was able to support myself . I just did not know what to do . I felt so much damn pressure . My sister and I decided to move across the god damn country . I had to say goodbye to so many people . I was moving to warmer climate , I was going to be tan all the time , I was going to be enjoying life and experiencing new things ! In case I did not mention it before … my mother and I do not get along . She is controlling . She tells my business to everyone including the fact that I dated a man who was in a relationship . She thought that everyone should know . She also always had to know where I was at all times , and that included when I was 21 years old . Anyways , I decided to enjoy life as much as possible before moving across the damn country . My friend , my sister , and my dogs , and me ( of course ) , packed up the car and went to Lake Michigan . I took a bottle of vodka . I was blacking out on the way there . I met a cute guy at the gas station . I was too shy to of course get his number . I had fun at the lake that day . I ruined it . I was stumbling everywhere . I pissed in a bush . I was screaming at cars next to us . I was hanging my head out the door . I was going back to the gas station , getting more alcohol , flirting ( again ) , and leaving . I drank the whole way home . I burned my friend 's seats in her car . She was so pissed . I don 't really remember that part . We can leave that out and maybe talk about it later . Anyways , I got home . I tried getting more alcohol . I took the car around the block . My little sister was calling me over and over again . I almost crashed into a damn curb . I got home , and she was so mad . She was yelling at me . I just remember laughing . I remember thinking everything was funny . Why not fuck my life up along with other people 's relationships with me ? I don 't care if they love me or not . It doesn 't matter because I hate myself . I don 't even know how I got to this point . When she left , I invited a boy over . I honestly can barely remember inviting him over . He came though . I throw all my clothes in my room . I acted cute . He had sex with me and took the one thing that I valued in myself . It was gone and I would never get it back . In all reality , I gave it away like it didn 't matter . He even tried to have sex with me on the picnic table . My neighbor 's were right inside . It was their table . I finally pushed him off and he was gone . A few days later , I invited a new guy over . The same thing happened . I barely remember it the next morning . It doesn 't matter though , right ? I am a women now . I had to be drunk for it to happen but at least someone had sex with me . At least , I would not be a 22 year old virgin . That is all that matters . It does not even matter that I got an STD that was , by the way , 100 % curable . As long as I can say I am a woman . To me , it was damaging . The way I was raised . The way my mom tried to teach me to value myself . I just threw it away to men who just wanted to pound me from behind . They gave two shits other than the fact that their dick was getting wet . And , that is the honest truth . All I cared about was being socially acceptable . In the end though , I felt like shit . I still think about those nights I wish I could forget forever . I think it was just because I always wanted sex to mean something . I was raised that way . I mean I could have at least used a condom for both of them . I made mistakes , though . Author fairytalesarentdeadPosted on March 29 , 2017March 29 , 2017Tags alcoholic , blog , life , personal , relationships , sex , sharing , story , survivorLeave a comment on The Day I Lost It . Where It ( Kinda ) Begins I always hear that everyone has a past . Everyone has a story to tell , and everyone has been through something that someone else has related to . But , what happens when you are only 23 years old and you have nobody to share these experiences with ? What happens when you don 't know how to get better and you don 't know how to make everyone happy ? I love so many people and I don 't want them to watch me kill myself anymore . I am slowly dying and I am only 23 years old . I choose every single morning and throughout my day to slowly kill myself . It is like I don 't know this person who makes these choices . I am taken over and someone else is living my life . I wake up to people literally hating me . I literally hate myself sometimes . I am not ready to die . I use to live by the this , Fairytales are dead . I don 't even know what that means anymore . I made that up when I was 13 . To tell you the truth me being alive right now is my fairytale . The truth is I should have died a long time ago . I used to be excited for death . I was actually raised in church . I strongly believe in God . I always have and I know that he is always with me . But , I also know that God does not want me to take my own life . He has a path that he wants to live . There is a reason that I am alive ! I still don 't know why I am alive . I think one day I will know , and when I know I want to say that Fairytales aren 't dead . I hope one day to look back on these words and to say that there was a reason that I lived . My story begins the first time that I fell in love with alcohol . This is what slowly decided to take my life and destroy me . It took away over two years of my life . It filled the void of being rejected . It helped with my first breakup . I remember that he left me without no explanation , and that always hurt me the most . He disappeared . After telling me that he wanted to spend his life with me , he wanted to have children with me , and he wanted me forever . I was only 20 years old when I met this man . And , he will never know the effects that he had on me . I can still remember me meeting him for the first time , and I never believed that he would like me . He did , though . I am no longer going to try to make this sound romantic . What he did was wrong . He tried to make me have sex with him . I was a virgin at 20 years old , and he saw the chance to get in my pants . He said all the right words at all the right times . He was adorable , and I will never forget the way I felt about him . Falling in love for the first time is one of the best feelings in the world and it is something that you are never going to forget . But once it is gone , and it is really gone , you have to find a way to fill that void . And , I choose alcohol . We never had sex . Once he seen that I was real about that , he left , and I cried . And , I spent a long time blaming myself . I was turning 21 when he left . I sent the last text message to him when I was turning 21 . I spent weeks , months , and valuable time trying to forget him with alcohol . I would cry to my mother , to my friends , to strangers , to anyone about him ! I would lay in my shower and cry until I couldn 't cry anymore . I would wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him . I would send him messages randomly . Hoping he would answer . Sometimes , he actually would . Sometimes , he would act the same . Other times , he just wanted nudes . I can never blame a person for my addiction . It was definitely the start of one , though . That was the point where I did not care anymore . I would drink in my closet . I would drink in the middle of the day . And , I would drink in the morning . I would be throwing up in the kitchen sink and crying in front of my mom . Months went by , the alcohol followed . It followed me to the bars . Where I made out with men that are over their 40 's and police officers in the small town that I was from . I tried to fill his place with other guys . For some reason , that was the only thing that ever made me feel the slightest better . I spent the New Year of 2015 , in a bar . I met a guy . I made out with him in front of people . I fooled around with him in a car , and giggled about my virginity in his ear . The next morning , I had texts from him and I was confused . I don 't want anyone but the guy I first loved . It was so stupid for me to think like this . It was so stupid for me to always trying to finding guys to feel the void of whatever I was missing . And you know what that was ? That was the love I had for myself . It was completely something that did not exist . How sad for me to even say . And , I constantly think of that feeling that I do not have . This hate for myself . Why am I so willing to throw myself at men who do not care for me in the slightest ? Why do I care so much about relationships that lead me to nothing but damage ? How did a hate become my love for alcohol ? Hi . My name is Courtney . I am 23 years old . I am an alcoholic . I am not ashamed of myself anymore . I am ready to heal . I am ready to discover my identity . I am ready to tell my story . I am ready to heal . I am ready to love myself . |
I can remember it like it was yesterday . In the first place I really didn 't even like Christmas . I guess I liked it well enough when I was a young child . Christmas wasn 't like it is today . I mean you got a present like a doll or a truck and maybe a nice new coat for winter or a pair of Stride - Rite 's . Christmas just wasn 't the gluttony that we see today . I really was OK with it until I had my own kids . I mean I worked like a dog all year plus raising three kids on my own . Can you believe it , I would work Christmas Eve back then at the diner and make it home just in time for dinner . My sister lived with us for a while when the kids were small , which really helped . Those were some hard ass days and Christmas became a real chore . I mean the kids looked forward to what little I was able to get for them and eventually things got better for us , more money , more things . But I tell you the more I could get them the more they wanted . A couple of years like that and I put a stop to that bullshit . It was one present only and that was almost considered child abuse . But that was a long time ago . The kids finally stopped all that Christmas nonsense , got jobs and bought their own Christmas gifts with their own money . BY this time I was relieved the pressure of presents was let up . We still had a traditional Christmas dinner for everyone . We had a family tradition of taking turns hosting , my sister , my brother 's wife , my step - father 's ever changing girlfriends , a couple of close friends and that made it easy . Each of us had special areas of expertise that we bought to the table and everyone over the age of ten had to add something . So those were some good years until the kids were grown and had families of their own and their own traditions . I finally felt I could do my own thing at Christmas : no presents , no huge dinners , no presents . But that year was different . MY kids were doing very well and the grand kids were growing up just fine . That year they decided that I deserved to get something special from them and I should think of something I really wanted for Christmas . They told me it had to be something very special , extravagant even . They were prepared to buy me anything from a new car they said or a downtown condo or a little farmstead or a mink coat just like Tippi Hendren 's in The Bird 's . Money they said was no object , a Caribbean cruise or a trip to the moon . I had a whole year to ponder this grand gesture and ponder I did . I took the offer seriously . I wasn 't getting any younger and I figured I deserved the luxury they were offering me . I was almost retired from my city job . I had a comfortable pension coming , a nice apartment . I didn 't have a car living downtown close to work . I was comfortable and saw a comfortable future for myself . I was content at soon to be sixty - five but I took the challenge seriously . I researched cars . Hell I could get a Tesla or one of those self - parking cars I saw on TV . I thought seriously about that blond full - length mink coat and went so far as to look on line . I actually found one that would only cost about ten grand . But what the hell would I do with that much coat . It was never really cold enough to wear in Seattle more than five days every three years or so . Plus I was liable to get blood thrown on me by some PETA radicals or some outraged vegan might kidnap me and force me to eat kale and quinoa until I promised to rid myself of that abomination . I thought about jewelry , emeralds and rubies . I just happened to see a movie on TV with Ava Gardner wearing a full set of her very own emeralds . I was just unable to see any use for a huge necklace just to wear to the Queen Anne QFC . I could buy a huge gold chain like the rappers wear and pull my neck out of joint . Hell , I could get a gold grill and look like a total idiot . I was feeling too old to change my ways too much . I liked not having a mortgage hanging around my neck . My apartment was small and easy to live in , no garden and I liked my neighbors . They were my kind of people , nosy to a point but we all respected each other 's privacy enough . It was coming up fall and I had to get my head out of my ass if I wanted to please my family . I thought about traveling , something I hadn 't done very much of . The world was a mighty big place ad seeing so much on the TV in movies and documentaries and on Rick Steves who goes everywhere and has such a good time . His feet never hurt , he never gets ripped off or gets the trots . Everyone welcomes him into their homes like he 's the Sheik of Araby . Cruises seemed too square like the Love Boat times a hundred . I couldn 't ever set foot in such fakery , smiling and groveling , clean and fresh everyday , eating buffet food , dancing the Wobble every night fending off old , middle - aged , short , bald , heavily perfumed men attempting to have me perform some fellatio before he lost his flaccid erection . No , no no , I had to find a really good present for myself . It was after Thanksgiving dinner with Dennis , my next - door neighbor . We were having a smoke form his bong . He and I had discussed this question for many months now , with no solution insight . " Hey look what I found on EBay today . " He pulled out an old thick comic book encased in plastic from a USPS shipping box . " Look , remember this one from 1958 . I think I read it in about 1960 and was totally enchanted by it . " Finally , that year the only thing I wanted for Christmas was to go to Hawaii . Of course , I took my best friend and neighbor Dennis . We had a ball and stayed for almost two months using the tattered old comic as our tour guide . Judy stared down the row of oaks that led to the old barn . She could hear her dad yelling , a mix of curse words and short , sharp yelps . She figured it could be just about anything at this point . Maybe the tractor , maybe the holes in the barn ceiling or pig sty , or maybe he just fell down on something hard . It was after 3 : 00 , which meant he 'd been drinking . She thought it might be a good idea to stay away from the barn right now . She 'd get her horse when her dad went back to the garden shed to get another drink . It was hot and dry again this year . Judy sat on the porch and stared at the hills that surrounded their farm . The grass was dry and yellow already even though it was only May . She thought it was beautiful , the golden hills overgrown with sage and chaparral . The only green patches of grass left were in the shade beneath the oaks . Judy liked the way the sage smelled when it got hot , sharp and soft at the same time . Her parents weren 't as happy with this dry weather as Judy was . As far as they were concerned it was just another problem to deal with on their struggling farm . She briefly contemplated running away where here mom couldn 't find her , but decided against it . It was too hot , and she didn 't want to deal with both an angry mom and a drunk dad . Maybe her mom wanted something simple , like a couple of lemons from the tree or some eggs from the chicken coop . But based on the tone in her mom 's voice , Judy doubted this was the case . Judy reluctantly brushed the dust off the black patent leather Mary Janes she got for Christmas two years ago . They were just like the ones Shirley Temple wore when she danced up and down the stairs in " The Little Colonel , " except they didn 't make that clicking noise as she ran up the porch steps into her house . They were much too tight , but Judy wore them anyway . It might be a while before she got another pair of shoes this fancy . Her mom was waiting for her , hands on her hips . " How many times do I have to tell you not the slam the screen door when you come in , " she asked . " It 's wakes up Granny . " Her mom wiped off her wet hands on her greasy apron and pointed to the closed door at the end of the small hallway . " She 's in pain again , " she whispered . " I need you to sit with her while I finish up hanging out the clothes and making dinner . " Judy sighed . Her mom 's face slipped into her habitual frown . " It 's not like you have to be with her all day , " her mom hissed , grabbing Judy by the elbow and pushing her towards the closed door . " At least you get to go to school . I 'm stuck here all day with the both of them . " Her mom pushed a loose piece of her graying hair off her sweaty forehead . " I can 't wait till you turn thirteen , " she said . " Then you 're finished with school and can finally help us with the farm . " She handed Judy a glass of water and a little packet of powder . " Take this and go sit with Granny . " Judy looked down at her shoes , and thought about Shirley Temple 's mean grandpa in " The Little Colonel . " He acted crabby all the time , but he turned out to be really nice by the end of the movie . Judy knew this was not going to happen with Granny . Judy slowly walked down the hall and knocked on the door . " Granny , " she whispered , hesitating . " Granny , are you awake ? " She pushed the door open and stared at her granny , asleep in her narrow bed . She looked exactly like her dad did when he fell asleep on the old sofa in the living room ; eyes screwed shut , mouth slightly open , gently snoring . Judy crept slowly into the room , trying to get to the chair in the corner without making a floorboard squeak . But like her dad , Granny was a light sleeper . She jerked awake as Judy sat down . " Where 's your mother , " she asked , staring at Judy . " I asked her for my medicine an hour ago . I 've been laying here waiting . How long does she expect me to wait ? " She gestured impatiently at the pitcher of water on her nightstand . " Don 't just sit there . Mix me my medicine . It 's way past time . " Judy carefully opened the packet and shook the white powder into the glass of water like her mom showed her after Granny got too sick to do it for herself . The powder made the water cloudy . Judy stirred it with the spoon from Granny 's bedside table until the water was clear . " Give it here , " her Granny snapped . " Are you going to play around with it all day ? " Judy silently handed her the glass and watched as Granny tilted her head and drink it all without spilling a drop . " Take this , " she said , handing Judy the empty glass . " Help me with my pillows . " Judy tried to shift Granny and grab the pillows out from behind her shoulders and head . Granny felt spindly and brittle , the way chicken bones felt after Judy left them out in the sun to dry . " Be careful , " Granny barked . " You 're as clumsy as your mother . All you Dowds are clumsy . Always were . " She lay flat on her back , gasping and helpless . She reminded Judy of a beetle that flipped over and couldn 't right itself . Judy herself had stomped on countless beetles in this very position . She looked at her shoes . These really weren 't the right ones to use to kill bugs . She 'd just as soon use her dad 's old farm boots when she had something messy to do . Judy silently plumped Granny 's feather pillows . She opened the bureau and chose two fresh pillowcases that her mom had embroidered . One had a fat little red hen with a flock of yellow chicks . The other had a pair of bluebirds sitting on a branch with " Love " embroidered in cursive above their heads . The bird ones were her favorites . She hoped Granny either liked birds or wouldn 't notice which ones she chose . " You 're going to have to sit up Granny , " Judy said . " I 'm going to just slip these under your head as quick as I can . Then you can go back to sleep . " She put her arm under Granny 's shoulders and put the pillows behind her . She was shocked at how thin Granny was now , how her collarbone jutted out so sharp that it pushed her whitish - blue skin almost to breaking point . She felt sorry for her , for how helpless she was . Maybe she wasn 't always so mean . Maybe it was just because she was so sick now . " What are you staring at ? " Granny said . " Just be glad it isn 't you . I 'm wasting away out here in the middle of nowhere . " She glared at Judy . " This isn 't where my people are from , and I shouldn 't be here . " She gasped for breath and motioned for her water glass . Judy silently filled her glass and handed it to her . She watched as Granny took a few sips of water and coughed most of it back up through her thin lips onto her chin . Judy dabbed at her face with one of the discarded pillow cases . " Get that dirty thing away from my face , " Granny said , feebly pushing the pillowcase away . " Just like your mom . She never knew how to do anything right either . " Judy backed away from the bed and sat down in the chair . She looked around the room . It was full of things from Granny 's house in town , where her dad and his two brothers grew up . There wasn 't enough space in the small room to artfully arrange much . Old photos in ornate gold frames were stacked on the bureau and end tables , along with porcelain animals , empty delicate vases , and leather - bound books with colorful illustrations on special shiny pages . Granny 's jewelry box sat on the center of the bureau , a testament of order amongst the surrounding chaos . It 's gleaming dark wood was inlaid with mother - of - pearl flowers . The drawers , a special one for each different type of jewelry , slid smoothly in and out with a light tug of each dangling silver pull . With the exception of a light stain on the top - from champagne according to Granny - it was smooth , polished , and perfect . Judy had only seen the inside of this magic box once , when Granny still lived in her old house . Judy and her mom and dad would go to Granny 's house for dinner on Christmas Eve every year . Her dad 's brothers and their wives would go to Granny 's on Christmas Day . Judy wished they could all go together on the same day so she could play with her cousins instead of playing silently by herself while the adults talked On Christmas Eve last year , she decided to explore Granny 's big house while her mom and dad sat in tense silence in Granny 's formal sitting room . She wandered through the dark house . All the curtains were closed and the furniture in most of the rooms was covered with sheets . Judy thought all those sheets made the house look haunted . She tiptoed back down the hall to check on her parents , still perched stiffly on the stiff chairs listening to Granny lecture them about all the money they still owed her . She quickly ran back down the hall and opened the door to her Granny 's room . Her room was beautiful , with a big four - poster bed and matching armoire . It smelled like orange blossoms and old roses . Granny 's bedspread was pink and silky , and her pillowcases had gold tassels on the corners . Judy looked at Granny 's books , all with matching leather spines in a bookcase that extended from the floor to the ceiling . She pulled one out and opened it . The front page was protected by a piece of tissue . Judy pulled back the tissue and stared at the picture of a white horse with big wings flying through the blue sky . She tiptoed to the table beside Granny 's bed . It was the first time Judy had ever seen a jewelry box . She pulled open the small drawers and looked inside . Each drawer had a special treasure ; a big stone with a face carved on it dangling from a soft velvet ribbon , a silver clock hanging on a slim , strong chain , gold earrings with sparking stones . Best of all was the long string of silvery , pinky white beads , each one just a little bit bigger than the one next to it , leading up to the one biggest one of all . The big one was right in the middle of the necklace , dangling from a golden bow . Judy pulled the necklace out its special drawer and draped it around her neck . It felt heavy and warm at the same time . The beads were soft . Judy rubbed the biggest bead above her lip , on the place right below her nose . She stroked the beads at the back of her neck . It was intoxicating . Suddenly the door burst open . Granny marched in and grabbed Judy 's arm hard . " Come with me , " she said , yanking Judy down the hall to the sitting room . Judy saw the stricken look on her mom 's face . " I found her , " Granny said . " She was rummaging through my jewelry box . Look . " She pointed to the necklace still hanging from Judy 's neck . " None of my boys were raised this way . None of my boys were allowed to rummage through my jewelry box . " She looked at Judy 's dad . " It 's what I 'd expect from one of the Dowds , so I 'm really not that surprised . " Her dad kept his head down and stared at the floor . Granny held out her hand to Judy . " Give it back , " she demanded . " And don 't ever get into my jewelry box again . " Judy silently gave Granny the necklace , watching it slip from her fingers into Granny 's wrinkly hand . She looked at her parents . Neither one said a word . Granny shook Judy hard . " Your cousins don 't get into anything when they come over , " she hissed . " That 's why they 're invited back . " It was a quiet Christmas that year . Both her mom and dad were silent as they drove home from Granny 's house in their old pickup . But Judy hardly noticed . That year , the only thing she wanted for Christmas was that necklace from that jewelry box . Judy noticed that when Granny got too sick to live alone , neither of her other sons offered to take care of her . The oldest son lived in Los Angeles now ; he said it would be too hard to get Granny there easily in her condition . The youngest son pleaded lack of extra space due to his four children . Judy 's family lived just outside of town and she didn 't have any brothers or sisters . They were close and they had one extra room . Granny moved in with them in the spring , along with the few items she took with her from the old house . Since then , Judy 's dad spent most of his time in the barn or the garden shed . Judy and her mom were tasked with taking care of Granny . " Do you need more water Granny , " Judy asked from the safety of her corner chair . She wasn 't as afraid of her after she took her medicine . Granny eventually would go back to sleep , unless the pain was particularly bad . Today her lips were white and thin , and she breathed quick , shallow breaths . Judy could tell she wasn 't going to sleep anytime soon . She just hoped Granny wouldn 't want to talk . " She 's doing the laundry now and then she 's making dinner , " Judy responded nervously . " Dad 's in the barn fixing something . I think he 's fixing something anyway , that 's what I think . " She stared at her shoes , hoping Granny would stop asking her questions and fall asleep . " Your dad can 't fix anything , " Granny said , her bony hands picking at the blanket . " I didn 't raise him to work on a farm . He doesn 't know anything about plowing , raising pigs , or whatever else you 're supposed to do on a farm . The only thing he knows about farm life is your mother . " She hooked a piece of thread between her yellow fingernails and began pulling at the stitching . Judy stared at her as she began unraveling the blanket . " Do you think your dad 's happy here , " Granny asked . Her eyes , pinpricks now , watched Judy 's face . " Did you think he moved out of his family home to the Dowd pig farm voluntarily ? " She continued plucking at the old blanket , pulling out bits of thread with her gnarled hands . " I couldn 't care less what kind of farm this is , " Granny said . " The fact is that I didn 't raise my son to live here , out in the middle of nowhere . He was supposed to go to college in San Francisco , then go into business . He should be wearing a suit , not dirty overalls . " Her voice was sharp and mean , and Judy wanted it to stop . " I thank your mom for that . " " What did Mom ever do to you to make you hate her , " Judy asked . She was shocked at her own question . It was like another person was talking out of her mouth . She remembered that Shirley Temple asked adults a lot of impertinent questions in the movies and usually got away with it . Judy knew she wasn 't as young and cute as Shirley , but she was willing to give it a try . Granny struggled to lift her head from her pillow . She glared at Judy . " What was that , young lady ? " she snapped . " What did you just ask me ? " She grabbed at the blanket in an effort to pull herself up , but was too weak to get a good grip . She sank back into the pillow gasping . She motioned for her water glass . Judy remained in her chair , watching Granny as she tried to catch her breath . " Your mom , " she croaked . " Your mom . It was her fault . She wanted to get away from this dump , away from this farm . She thought my son was her ticket out . " Judy watched as Granny pulled herself up . " My son couldn 't help it , " she said . " Your mom was a white trash country girl , and all the sudden there you were . What else could my son do ? He had to marry her . Her dad and brothers would have killed him . " She looked at Judy with disgust . " I tried with her , " she said . " I tried to like her but I couldn 't . She made a mess of your dad 's life . What were we supposed to do ? Be happy about it ? We all hated it . When your dad moved to this farm , it was like someone drove a stake into my heart . " She slipped back into the pillow . " Now get me that water , " she said . " I 'll die soon enough . Out here at the Dowd family farm . I just don 't want to die of thirst . " Judy walked over to the bed , filled up the glass from the pitcher , and held it to Granny 's lips . She watched her as she tried to swallow , the water running down her chin . Judy went to the bureau and got one of Granny 's silk handkerchiefs . She dabbed at her face gently , carefully blotting the water off her cheeks and chin . She folded up the handkerchief and placed it near Granny 's hand , now laying still on the blanket . She quietly went back to her chair , sat down , and folded her hands on her lap like her mom had taught her . She snuck a look over at the bed . Granny 's chin was dropping toward her chest . Judy sat as quietly as she could . Maybe if she was really still and didn 't move , not even to breathe , Granny would fall asleep . She held her breath and watched as Granny 's dry lips stretched further away from her teeth and her rib cage jerked with the effort of her breath . Eventually Granny began fitfully snoring , her breathing irregular and labored . Judy walked to her bedside . " Granny , " she whispered . There was no response . Judy went to cluttered bureau and began pulling open all the drawers in Granny 's jewelry box until she found what she wanted . It was still there , in the middle drawer , the long silvery white necklace with the little beads that gave way to the bigger beads . Judy picked the necklace up . The biggest , softest bead hung from the middle , the one that was shaped like an egg and hung from golden bow . Judy put the necklace around her neck and smiled . " Mom , " she yelled . " Mom , come here . I think Granny needs help . " She slipped the necklace into her pocket . She rubbed a spot off the toe of her left Mary Jane , and ran down the hall looking for her mom . That year the only thing I wanted for Christmas was Steve Harrison . He was all I could think about from the time I opened my eyes when my third and final alarm went off to the moment I fell asleep with my trig book spread across my lap in bed . He was impossibly gorgeous . His hair was a beautiful brown and he had three lines shaved into the side of his scalp on the right side . A single hoop in his left ear . A perfectly - worn - out army jacket and the most serious expression you 've ever seen on a 15 - year - old . I was constantly late for my French class as I had to walk by his locker on my way there . If he wasn 't at his locker , I had to pass by several times , hoping to finally catch him . If he was there , and didn 't notice me , I also had to come up with some reason to double - back , in the hope of catching his eye . If he did see me , and nodded his head , or acknowledged me in some other way , I 'd have to hide in the girls room for a few minutes after to allow my wildly beating heart to settle before heading to class . Such a trial ! On the days that he wasn 't there , even after I 'd made a third pass , I felt depressed and worried that maybe something had happened to him . Or maybe he was doing to another girl what I was doing to him , stalking her on the other side of the school building . Becky was waiting for me in her mom 's K car in the driveway . She was a year older and had been driving for two months . We had been carpooling to junior orchestra for a couple of years , Becky 's mom usually dropping us off and my mom picking us up , but since Becky had gotten her license everything had changed . For starters , our moms were off the hook for making the 40 minute drive to and from Arlano Hall four times a week . But the biggest deal was that Becky now treated me like a friend , rather than the younger kid she was obliged to ride in the car with . And almost as important , we could now smoke on the way to rehearsal . Becky was always trying to get me to discuss my romantic exploits and was eager to talk about her own . I would sometimes make things up , so that our conversations weren 't totally one - sided , but I think she could always tell . Lately I 'd been getting an earful about her new boyfriend , Evan . He was a year younger but , she assured me , very mature . He was tall and played basketball and , although he was no Steve Harrison , I had to admit he was pretty cute . Becky was a cheerleader and ran with a different crowd and had different dating prospects than me . She told me she preferred dating younger men because they were so grateful and easy to teach . I wasn 't exactly sure what she meant by that but I had an idea . " I don 't know , " I sighed , " I can 't even talk when I 'm around him . Like , I can 't even say hello . How could I possibly ask him to go to a dance with me ? " " You gotta ' get over this shyness , rug rat . You just care too much about what other people think of you . If Steve Harrison won 't go out with you he 's dumb . That 's not your fault . But how are you going to know if he 's dumb or not if you never give him a chance ? " I didn 't actually follow Becky 's logic , since Steve Harrison could also ask me out if he wanted to . It wasn 't like I was stopping him or anything . I did walk by his locker at least twice every day , and sometimes six or eight times . He had plenty of chances to flirt with me if he was interested . But she was right about me being too shy and caring too much about what other people think . " Becky , what are you doing ? " I looked around . What if my mom happened to be in the store ? I could feel the palms of my hands starting to sweat . " Okay , okay , can we go now ? " I was trying to figure out what excuse I was going to use to head to the car and not have to stand with her as she made her purchase . I feigned interest in an end cap display of aspirin stacked in the shape of a Christmas tree . " Come on , Helen ! What do you care ? You don 't even know the cashier ! He doesn 't know you . Who cares what you buy ? " Becky 's eyes twinkled , " You can do it ! " I balanced the box on the top of my head and walked toward the front of the store , at first with mincing steps , but soon was strolling . Strolling and smiling . I felt suddenly free . I was 15 years old and walking through a suburban Albertson 's with a box of condoms on my head . If I could do that I could do anything ! Becky was grinning from ear - to - ear , her giant cheerleader smile egging me on . I started humming some bars from Tchaikovsky 's Waltz of the Snowflakes , which we were supposed to be playing at rehearsal , and making big waltz turns down the cereal aisle . Becky was laughing and clapping as I turned towards her when suddenly her eyes got very big . I turned around to see what she was looking at , and there , right in front of me , was Steve Harrison . Steve was holding hands with Jeannie Ball . Jeannie was older than us , dressed like Madonna , made out with boys in public , and had a reputation for sharp elbows on the dance floor . I was in no way her equal . He had been having a fine time . A big party , lots of pretty ladies . An assortment of food and drink and intoxicants on platters and mirrors and a bar . Then there was dancing and the band sounded really good . He thought someone might be pumping oxygen into the room , he felt so fresh , awake . Naked and stiff but lying in bed , mercifully at home . Mid - afternoon , maybe , so hard to tell in this springy - summer light . The alarm on his computer was going off , a recording of cummings , poem on a loop , " here is little Effie 's head , whose brains are made of gingerbread . " Fuck . He thought the poetry alarm was kind of funny , but ee and Effie were downright disturbing this afternoon . It all felt weird , like something was out of sync . Grappa headache or no , perhaps it was time to rethink the alarm if the poems were going to enter his head like that . Neil was relieved it was a dream , and the poetry alarm worked in the sense that it woke him up ( no small feat ) . He liked to sleep until late afternoon when he could and liked to be up for sunrise , and he had done that too and then gone back to bed to escape the dreariness of high noon . He savored the palpable relief of realizing he had not been actually on a stage displaying his manhood in all its glory while Lulu danced in the crowd . Lulu though , her appearance in a dream had to be an omen . Lulu : memories of bitter arguments , and sex on mesa tops where the skies were bigger than any other he had seen and the stars were huge and so many . There was the time she started a fight down at Joe 's , and he had been the one with a night in jail , six months of legal appointments , twenty five hundred in legal fees , and a month of Saturday mornings on the " adopt a highway " work crew up on I - 5 near Shoreline . So many visions of Lulu , her crazy theories about aliens and rocks , entanglement , other dimensions , tourists , steamy pit stops in the staircase of the parking lot at SeaTac . Yes , Lulu was special . Yes , his life would generally be considered fairly dull without her . But it was peaceful . And he did not have to face the conundrum of the , irrational , as he saw them , acts that his lust and affection and anger for Lulu would drive him to . Neil had made significant strides these past five years . He was somewhat under control and maintained the unorthodox schedule that made him happy . He looked out at Rainier and the traffic of Columbia City getting a little thicker as the day wore on . But the traffic was pretty thick around here generally anymore . Sighing with the effort , he put together an espresso , sat staring out the window , and failed in his attempts not to think about Lulu . But he didn 't want to think about Lucille either , anymore than he wanted to contemplate his headache and the taste in his mouth , or scotch or grappa and the complications arising from the need to interact with people . Why , how , did he end with a Lulu and a Lucille in his rear - view mirror ? Savoring his solitude , for today he had deemed a day without people , he sat like a cat in the window enjoying the sunshine , trying to think like a cat . Against his better inclination he climbed from his chair and went to retrieve his phone from the freezer . Curiosity kills the cat . Freezer storage kept the phone from waking him up , and kept him from grabbing it while half asleep to monitor the world outside . He had gone a good twelve hours without checking it and while that hardly qualifies as a day without , it was pretty good , and Neil was the only one who might pay attention . The whole day without a phone thing had helped him wean himself from twitter . He was clean now , so he could look at the phone as long as he did not succumb to the urge to tweet . No shrill communications with the masses via thumb tips . While the phone powered up he tried to think of a new alarm system , something not as freaky . Female poets had come to mind , but then his dreams would always be more frankly about sex or some symbolic castration . Nope , that wouldn 't work . For years , he had used the Melvins but those paths had gotten kind of worn . Plus , not really breakfast music , not anymore . The phone beeped and buzzed and vibrated with what had to be a series of text messages . Uh oh . Perhaps it was time for some opera , a diva really letting it fly . That could help him wake up . But the buzzing and beeping already had the hair on his neck standing . Someone was looking for him . Someone who did not yet have his current address or an awareness of his land line . The effect was like the last time she had hit him with that hand . Now , granted , he may have deserved it , and she had done it with an open palm and not a fist - she did not like to leave marks , it helped prosecutors - but it was a slap in the face indeed . And he doubted her contact was because she missed his touch and craved what he could deliver . The first message read " honey - omg - rocks - lots of rocks . " Then another " best samples I 've seen in years , maybe ever . " Followed by " you should see this pretty young thing and what she 's got around her neck . " Then there there had been a gap of about an hour , followed by , sometime right around when the grappa had given up its last drop , " Corny , where the fuck are you ? " Corny . Another reason to fear Lulu . Nobody called him that anymore . She probably didn 't even know he preferred to go by Neil now . In fact , if she knew he had adopted a new name she would laugh and laugh and laugh at him . Enough to precipitate some rage filled utterance or action from him that would certainly not improve matters . " Corny , it that you ? I hear this is your place . Right last name , but whoever they are is referring to themselves as Neil . Really ? Neil ? " " Corny , you dummy , the van is parked right here in the alley . I know you 're home . I 've been watching the door for the last hour . Come on honey , " she found a little sugar , " let me in , I 've got some friends with me . " He undid the bolts on the apartment door . Noticing the paper on the stoop , he wound up to give it a kick , changed his mind but did not get the message to his foot in time , and he launched the paper down the stairs and right off the glass of the door . He cringed , but the sound of broken glass did not follow . He felt the blood pressure in his head increasing , Lulu on the other side of the door , " he 's just a little slow this time of day . He is really going to be quite happy to see us - and I 'm sure he 'll put you up for a few days . No problem . He 's not dangerous like that skeevy Max . " Lulu leaned in and embraced him , pulled him close , her hand on his back . He immediately noticed other parts of him paying attention . She kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear " take a look at that necklace . " His head swam . He did not know anything about the kids , but he sensed they had stepped into something quite a bit more complicated than they had considered . And he looked at the somewhat ordinary necklace around Delia 's neck , and the innocuous green stone necklace she wore . |
" Then time stopped for a second as I realized she was about to cry . Was she having sudden remorse for giving away the dog ? I looked closer and felt my soul being drawn toward a familiar place . She was fighting back the tears of recent loss and unresolved grief . " It began as a clearly random encounter in a local pet store one Sunday after church . Lee , my teenage son , and I were turning into the parking lot of a popular restaurant . I noticed white tents occupying a portion of the parking lot and banners proclaiming a pet sale sponsored by the Humane Society . I immediately said to Lee , " We need to get another dog . " He looked at me as if I 'd had a sudden loss of consciousness . We already have too much going on to spend time with our dog waiting to be fed at home . I 'd had this thought before , and had even searched online for a breed that might mix well with Kylee , our mostly - basset hound . She seems lonely to me , and the fact that we are so busy gave us only limited time to spend with her . This was the very reason I had thought about finding a companion for my canine . Today was different though because I wasn 't just thinking that it might be nice to have another pet , but I just knew we were meant to find our new dog in this very parking lot . After lunch , I still thought that there was a dog under those white tents who belonged at my house . Lee and I drove a full circle around the tented dog sale , slowly enough for me to see that there were several metal kennels and lots of people being walked around by a variety of dogs . I parked the car , telling myself that it would just take a minute to scurry through the kennel maze and prove to Lee that we were supposed to find a dog here . There were lots of big dogs , a few medium - size dogs , but no puppies that could be trained by my Kylee in the ways of our family . I asked several of the volunteers which one of these dogs would mix well with a basset hound . Amazingly , they all were likely candidates according to the Humane Society volunteers . But I knew none of these dogs were going home with me . As I began to doubt my conviction , a volunteer pointed out that some new dogs had just arrived fresh from the shelter . Perhaps one of these dogs would be more to my liking . Although they were all quite likable , I knew that I still had not met the right dog . Then one of the volunteers suggested that I go inside the pet store , and then I realized why the tents had been erected in this particular parking lot . She said , " We have puppies inside that belong to the shelter , but it 's too hot out here for them . " A puppy was just what I had in mind , so Lee and I headed inside to the makeshift area that had been set up for the Society dogs . It was conveniently , although not subtly , placed in front of the pet store display of dogs and cats for full - price sale . There were only two puppies left , brothers from the same litter . I knew why they were left behind while the other pups were already snuggled up in the homes of new families . These poor mutts had absolutely no personality , and they had balled themselves into one furry clump as if to say , " We aThey were not my puppies either . I knew they needed to stay together and the idea of two puppies was even more than I could justify to Lee , who was still looking bewildered . Then suddenly I saw him , a beagle puppy in the arms of another middle - aged woman . She had just selected a cat collar to go with a long dog - walking leash . Not only was she holding my dog , she didn 't even know the difference between a dog vs cat collar . I heard myself saying out loud to anyone who would listen , " There he is , just the dog I had in mind . " The startled volunteer countered , " But that dog isn 't for sale . That 's her dog , not one of ours . You can 't have her dog ! " The woman holding the dog didn 't see me because her attention was directed to the store manager . She had a friend with her who was obviously in charge of whatever it was they were doing there . After a brief introduction , the store manager gently explained to the woman that the store could not sell any pets except those sent from the company . The woman assured the manager that she didn 't want to sell the puppy , but wanted to leave it at the pet store to be given to anyone who would have it . The manager tried again to explain how that just wouldn 't work with the store 's policy . The woman with the puppy was disappointed , and her friend argued the point on her behalf . And , all the while , her little beagle puppy was looking at me . Suddenly the shelter volunteer pointed to me and announced , " She wants that dog ! " All eyes turned to me as I nodded and smiled at the puppy . At that moment , the friend in charge walked boldly up to me . " Tell me about your home , " she demanded . I muttered something about a 3 - bedroom / 2 - bath house in town as she surveyed me from head to toe . " Where do you work , what do you do , how old are your kids , and do they like dogs ? " all spewed from her lips . The barrage of questions could not interfere with the intense gaze shared between the pup and me . As the arms of the woman holding the pup reached out to me , she said , " Do you want to hold him ? " He weighed only ounces as he sat upon one hand while I stroked his back with the other hand . He rested his head on my shoulder , as he snuggled into my heart . The transition was complete as his now - former owner handed over the dog leash and new cat collar . " I don 't know if this will fit him , " she said , " and I haven 't paid for it yet if you want to choose a different one . " As I passed the cat collar to Lee , I asked him to find a little - bit - larger dog collar . She then explained that she had a portable kennel , a bag of food , a blanket and a few dog toys she would gladly throw into the deal if I would just take him home . I began As Lee and I drove home with the curious and suddenly lively little puppy , I realized the afternoon 's mission had nothing to do with finding a new family pet . It was this woman whose soul was seared with grief that I had been sent to find . She needed a word of encouragement from someone who had survived the depths of indescribable pain . We would exchange a couple of phone calls , but we didn 't continue the exchange all the way to the walking park . She was glad to let go of the dog , and in some way this letting go enabled her to move forward with her life . " Bear one another 's burdens , and so fulfill the law of Christ " ( Galatians 6 : 2 ) . LORD , help me to be aware of people around me who are hurting and need encouragement . Allow me to take the time to be a friend to those who are lonely and hurting . Thank you for the opportunity to share my faith when I meet people who need your love . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by She was one of the young wives I had just met in a new town . Her husband was attending classes at the Seminary . He wanted to be a missionary in a foreign land , so foreign that he would need a pilot 's license to fly there . She was a shopper like me . We loved talking as we walked from one store to the next all over the huge mall near our apartment complex . We were wives of ministerial students , and the fact that we had very little money to spend did not diminish the fun of window - shopping . One December afternoon , we pushed a shopping cart through the narrow aisles of a discount store . There were just a few Christmas gift items that we needed to find and it was payday , the 15th of the month . Our husbands would be home soon , so we hurried to the check out counter . I was at the front of the cart busily unloading and separating my few items from Karen 's when I realized that she hadn 't responded to the last comment I had made . I turned to look back at her , but I saw only a ghostly white face that didn 't seem to go with the slight frame of my new best friend . " What 's wrong ? " I asked . The cashier was ringing up the items unaware of the panic that was rising from somewhere deep inside me . " Karen , are you okay ? " She didn 't respond . She didn 't seem to be able to see me . Was she going to faint ? Did she even have a pulse ? I had never seen anyone instantly turn such an awful shade of gray . What was she looking at on the ceiling ? Her eyes were glazed and I knew she had no idea where she was at that moment . I looked at my watch . 3 : 01 p . m . Instinctively I knew that I would never forget 3 : 01 p . m . on December 15 . What was she saying ? " Karen , what are you saying ? " I almost whispered to her . She wasn 't saying anything . She was singing . Very softly , she was singing a hymn . Somehow I paid for all the items in the cart , and managed to get her and the shopping bags into my car . I had to get her home immediately , before I lost control completely . I thought everything would be okay when she got home . Kent would be home by the time we got there , and he would take care of her . I needed to get home , too . All I could think about was getting back to our apartment complex as quickly as possible . Karen continued to sing in the car . " Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling , " she sang in a hushed voice . Then for a few minutes she hummed another familiar hymn . She had not spoken a word to me , and she was still that very strange color of pale gray . As my car coasted to a stop in front of the stairway to her apartment , I could see our pastor standing at the top of the steps . " Good , " I thought , " he will know what to do with Karen . " It didn 't really seem strange to me that he was waiting there on the top step . I thought he must have been there to visit with Kent and maybe he had been invited to supper . Without a word , Karen gathered her things and gently stepped out of the car . She stood there smiling at me as I drove away . I waved , but mostly I wondered , " What just happened ? " Quickly I put the purchased items away , and began preparing to cook dinner . I hadn 't really planned to cook a big meal , but it just seemed like the right thing to do . I found myself preparing to roast a whole chicken with a pan of homemade dressing . I would add a vegetable side to go with it , I thought . It seemed like seconds later that I was opening the oven to take out a golden brown roasted chicken sitting atop bubbling hot dressing . It smelled wonderful , and I was just about to take it out of the oven when the phone rang . I don 't recall what was said , but I realized that our pastor was speaking to me . I hung up the phone without knowing whethKent was dead . He was 27 years old . How could a brilliant young seminary student die ? He wanted to get more flight experience over water , so he had signed on with one of the oil companies to transport executives out to the oil rigs and back to their plush office suites in downtown New Orleans . At exactly 3 : 01 p . m . , his plane caught a tower wire and burst into flames . Exactly at 3 : 01 pm on December 15 . Our pastor had been waiting outside their apartment door to deliver the grim news to this 23 - year - old widow . Another seminary wife , was watching their two - year - old daughter , and she offered to keep her until family members arrived . I wrapped up the chicken and dressing to take to Karen 's apartment . I realized that it was never meant to be our dinner , but had been prepared for those who would come to comfort her . I don 't remember the rest of the week . I don 't remember when she left campus or how often we talked on the phone over the next couple of years . I just know she was the first widow close to my age that I had ever known . There really is no ending to Karen 's story . Those of us who have lost a loved one in a tragic instant have found that there is no ending . My place in her story would resume at a later time , but for the moment there were others who would hold her hand . Family members came to take her to the safe place called home where she could rest and prepare to begin a new journey . " Sing unto God , sing praises to his name , extol him that rides upon the heavens by his name Jah ( the Lord , most vehement ) , and rejoice before him . A father of the fatherless , and an advocate of the widows , is God in is holy habitation " ( Psalm 68 : 4 - 5 ) . LORD , thank you for giving a song in our hearts even in times of grief and sorrow . We praise you , O God , for the protection you provide for the widows and the fatherless , and we thank you for the comfort of the Holy Spirit in times of sorrow . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by The phone call had surprised me . Jerry 's brother , Claude , was saying that he was passing through town on the way to his weekend guard duty . Could he come by and visit with us ? " Sure , that would be fine , but Jerry is out of town , gone to a training class for his new job , " I answered . He said he would still like to come by to see the kids . I answered his knock at the door , and thought how much more he looked like his dad . Usually he looked so much more like Jerry , but age was favoring his dad now that he was over 40 . Claude , Jr . was the oldest of the seven brothers and sisters . Jerry was in the middle somewhere . The kids were clinging to his pants legs and he carried Gloria riding on his foot as he made his way to the sofa . He hadn 't been able to get here for Jerry 's retirement at the base . No one in the family had made it . It had been just the guys in the squadron and me . We wisely chose not to bring the girls and baby Lee . I had driven to the base by myself , and Jerry 's commander and I tried to talk him out of retirement and back into another tour of duty . The recent promotion to Sr . Master Sergeant had come with a remote tour overseas . Jerry was the most committed family man I had ever known , and he was not going to leave his family . I knew that I was not going to the island of Guam with a newborn and two little girls . Retirement was Jerry 's only option in his way of thinking . The only thing I remember from the ceremony was fighting back tears of regret for the shortened military career of a man who had never planned to retire less than Chief Master Sergeant . I knew that the regret would eat him alive from within and that I would be the reason for it . I vaguely remember seeing him receive the flag that had flown over the Capitol in Washington D . C . , which was provided by our state representative . We sort of knew him because his right - hand - man was an active member of our church . " Oh , I want to show you Jerry 's flag ! " I said to Claude , as I rushed down the hallway to get it from the bedroom where it was mounted in a triangular display case . I took it out , and said , " It flew over the Capitol , you know . " As I turned to face Claude , he stood to his full height and reached his arms forward to receive the American flag . As I walked across the room toward him , there was a hollow ringing sound in my ears . I heard my voice , as if it were very far away . I didn 't have time to think about what I was saying . My eyes locked with those of my brother - in - law and the world blurred into slow motion . I watched his face as the flag slowly passed from my hands to his . I saw his eyes drop from my face to the stripes of red and white and stars on a field of blue . Somehow I knew that I would never see this man again . I swallowed hard , and I forced the dark , bitter - strong thought from my mind . He was beaming with pride and his eyes glistened as he looked at this precious symbol of the freedom he had fought for in Viet Nam . I was faint and nausea was rising in my throat as the brown carpet swirled at my feet . Jerry came home that night and I made my voice light and unconcerned as I told him how Claude had played with the children , and that I hoped he didn 't mind that I had taken the flag out of the case to show it to his brother . When the phone call came from their sister three days later , I was not even surprised . I drove out to the base , and I wept as I told Jerry that his big brother , Claude , had died . He didn 't seem to understand what I was saying at first , and then he put his hand on his forehead and sank back in the chair at this desk . I never told him of the slow - motion premonition . I don 't recall ever telling anyone at all . We drove to the family hometown in north Alabama . It didn 't occur to us to drive over to the base where Claude had been serving weekend guard duty , although it was only a couple of hours from our house . When we arrived with all the children in tow , Grandpa 's house was full of family . As an only - child , this big family had taken some getting used to for me . We sat in the kitchen with the rest of the family trying to comfort their daddy . He was a man of very few words , and there were no words at all for this day . Someone finally said that he wanted his oldest boy brought home , and that it just wasn 't fair to have to wait a week for the funeral service . I didn 't fully understand , but I knew something was not happening the way it should be . Why would they wait a week to have the service ? The sisters put together an explanation about the confusion that was delaying the body being shipped home . " See , Claude , Jr . was in the Army Guard , but they sent his troop to work at the Air Force Base in Florida , " the sisters explained . " The Army has no control over when the Air Force will release the body , " they continued , " and Daddy is upset about it . " I walked to the phone and said , " I need to make a few calls , ok ? " Our church office had the phone number for our state representative 's right - hand - man . After thanking him for sending Jerry 's retirement flag , I told him about the circumstances we were facing . I explained that Jerry 's brother 's body was being held at the base at Eglin and the Air Force wouldn 't release it . " " Do you know where I am ? " this friend - of - our - family asked . " And , do you know who is right here with me ? " he continued . I had no idea that he and our state representative were at that very moment at Eglin Air Force Base . The number given to me by the church secretary had been forwarded to a meeting room directly across the street from the office where the decision would be made to release the body of my husband 's brother that same afternoon . How marvelous are His ways ! We " O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God ! How unsearchable are his judgments , and his ways untraceable ! " Romans 11 : 33 LORD , thank you for the riches you give us through your wisdom . You know what we need even before we experience the loss and sorrow of grief . Keep our tender hearts in your care always . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by I don 't remember if she was in the hospital when we arrived for the Labor Day Weekend festivities , but suddenly we were at the hospital . She was weak and thin , and seemed more frail than anyone I had ever seen . Jerry and I waited in the hallway of the ICU . The feeling of nausea was familiar , but seemed out of place now that I was past the second trimester of my first pregnancy . The nagging pain in my heart contrasted sharply with the butterfly kicks of the fetus within . " She will be fine , " I told myself as I prayed that this child would get to meet her great - grandmother . I knew that Mama Rene would want to see her only grandchild 's baby more than anything else in the world . I saw my mother standing a few feet away from the bed when they waved me into the private room . I was glad that she had stepped away to give me a few minutes with Mama Rene . Someone had combed her hair and helped her apply fresh lipstick . She smiled that serene smile that had comforted me all my life as she said , " It 's time for me to go home now . " " Well , good , " I said . " I 'm so glad you are getting to come home . " She really looked so much better than earlier that afternoon . Her eyes were shining and the color in her cheeks had returned . Her sweet smile did not betray the true meaning of her words . " I have to go home now , Sweetheart . I am so happy about going home , and I want you to be happy , too . " She asked me to give her a kiss , and I teased her that I would be giving her a great big kiss just as soon as we got her back in her own bed at home . How odd it seemed that she should close her eyes . She didn 't laugh at my teasing and her smile faded as her face relaxed . Suddenly the nurses were entering the room . Jerry was pushing me out into the hallway , and my mother was sobbing , " No , no . " Oh , that " home ! " She did not mean her earthly home , but the home of her precious Lord Jesus . She knew she was going to a glorious home that she could not describe . She was happy to go , and I knew that she had wanted us to let her go as peacefully as possible . Later than night , Jerry and I slept in her bed . There were only two bedrooms in her house where I had spent most of my childhood . The hardwood floors were smooth and worn , and the walls were the same soft green that I had always known . My parents were in the other bedroom . I didn 't think I could sleep there , but somehow I had fallen into a deep sleep . The dream began immediately as if there were only a few minutes to accomplish a night 's work . The creamy green mixed with clouds of white . A misty wind blew gently around me as I floated up and up and up . I was aware that someone above me was watching intently as I ascended . There was nothing to fear . I felt relaxed as if I were sleeping peacefully in my own bed . She could see the unborn baby through the flesh of my abdomen , and she was beaming with pride . I couldn 't see her clearly , but I knew the familiar look of unconditional love that had always favored me . She was rejoicing at the miracle of seeing her great - grandchild for the first time . I could feel the presence of His hand pushing gently into my body . There was no pain , just a feeling of awe as I realized that His unseen hand was holding the tiniest foot . Slowly , my baby 's foot was lifted up . There was an odd static unrest in the air above me . I could hear whispered words , but not clearly enough to understand what she was saying . She had been allowed to see something that was still hidden from my view . His other hand slowly covered the toes and wrapped around the fingers that held my baby 's foot . It took only a second , and then things were back to normal . I was waking up as the dim morning light made soft shadows on the creamy green walls . I remember waking Jerry , but I didn 't tell him about the dream . I just cried quietly in his arms . He comforted me in his easy way unaware of the wonderful dream . I 'm sure he thought that facing the first day without my grandmother was reason enough for me to cry . With fingers of curiosity , I gently rubbed my stomach . The baby inside slept peacefully . When Candi was born months later , there was an odd little birthmark on the bottom of her foot just below the toes . The blue - pink marking was the only sign of the miracle that I held deep within my heart . She pranced upon those toes as she began walking . She danced on those toes in frilly pink costumes . She cheered and tumbled her way through high school and college on the foot that was healed by our Creator at the prayer of her great - grandmother on a miraculous night . To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord . At His side and in the familiar conversation of one who prayed continually , her request for healing was granted . She was home indeed ! And I had witnessed the glory of it all in a beautiful dream . What joy to know that He had given her the desire of her heart on the day of her home coming . She would not have left this earth without seeing that baby born except to enter into His presence . He allowed her to see without any limitation , so clearly that she could see the tiny physical flaw . She saw beyond the timeless boundaries and spoke her request in faith to Him . He healed the child inside the womb based on the faith of this new celestial citizen . What compassion He shows us even in miraculous moments of peaceful sleep . LORD , thank you for your promise to those who have chosen to accept your gift of salvation that we will be present with you when we leave this earth . The fear of leaving our human bodies cannot compare with the joy of being with you for all eternity . In Jesus ' name , Amen . It had been about two months since Jerry 's death when I returned to the church office to work on the monthly newsletter . The pastor asked me to come into his office to meet a woman who had come to talk with him . As he introduced us , he told her that I had recently lost my husband . As his gaze shifted from this better - than - middle - aged woman to me , I knew he wanted me to catch some deeper insight into the words he spoke . He said to me , " This lady is also a widow . " As our hands met , I saw that her face was thin and worn , and she appeared to be as fragile as I still felt . I thought that her husband must have died as recently as mine . She sighed deeply , " Yes , and not a day goes by that I don 't think about how wonderful my husband was and how lonely my life is now without him . " With that comment , I felt the chill of unresolved sorrow . " How recently did he pass ? " I asked . " Fifteen miserable years ago ! " she scowled through angry clenched teeth . Whether I spoke aloud again , I really can 't say . The pastor was talking with her , but I could only hear the rush of blood through my temples as I frantically prayed , " Oh , God , please don 't let me live long enough to be like this woman ! " When she left his office , the pastor knew that his point had been well received . He had made that introduction because he wanted me to see " Future Horrid . " He hoped that I would vow to never become like her . I said to him , " Don 't ever let me become that bitter person . " He smiled and replied , " You won 't . " Some years before Jerry 's death someone had said to me , " You can either become bitter or get better . " I knew that it was imperative that I keep the promise I had made to myself to find a way to get better every day . Bitter is not a color that I wear well . LORD , I know I need to be more patient and trust You to complete what You have begun in my life . That is especially difficult in times when it feels like nothing is happening at all ! The right thing at the wrong time can be as damaging as the wrong thing at any time . Do whatever You need to do to get me where I need to be when I need to be there , and help me trust Your timing and not be anxious in the meantime . In Jesus ' name , Amen . When you go to the grocery in the middle of the afternoon , you see all sorts of folks you don 't see there on the weekend . Usually , I would have been working in the middle of the day . But since my mom 's last stroke , I had been running errands during the day for my parents . It seemed there was something they needed from the grocery or pharmacy every day . This day , I was hurrying through the store aisles . As I turned the corner of the last aisle , I saw a lady from church . I had often seen her at the nursing home where her husband had been living for several years . She would be there patiently feeding him lunch in the dining hall and faithfully caring for his every need . We greeted each other in the grocery as she asked , " How is your mom ? " As I began to tell her about Mom 's second stroke , she asked if I had heard that her husband had died in February . " No , " I said , " I had not heard about that . I am so sorry . " And then she began to tell the story of his final day on earth . " It was the day before Valentine 's Day , " she began . " Remember how hard it rained that day ? " she asked , and I nodded as I recalled the the stormy weather . She continued , " He sat up in bed that day and said , ' Look at all that rain ! ' And I said to him , ' Who are you ? ' Because he had not spoken that clearly or even noticed the rain for months . " And then she told me that later that night , he had died in his sleep . Her eyes tightened and her cheeks flushed as she said , " I should have known , because he was so different . " My mind drifted away from our conversation as I wondered how many other widows have said that same thing , " I should have known . " Recalling my own husband 's death , I thought " Certainly , I should have known . " I still remember how I sat up in bed feeling the presence of angels around me . " Reach out to him . " They didn 't speak out loud of course , but I could hear them urging me to reach out to him . I did not . At the time , I thought I had good reasons not to wake him in the middle of the night . It 's one of those things that I 've wanted to do over so many times . Later when my mother died , sixteen months after the first stroke , my dad said that I should have been there . My children and I had been there so many other times in the middle of the night , but not that night . So often we live in denial of the obvious truth . And yet when that one thing which is impossible to know finally happens , we blame ourselves by saying , " I should have known . " The truth is that no one can know the day or the hour of the passing of another person or even know of their own death . There are reasons why these things are known only by God . " And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit ? If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least , why take ye thought for the rest ? Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not , they spin not ; and yet I say unto you , that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these . If then God so clothe the grass , which is to day in the field , and to morrow is cast into the oven ; how much more will he clothe you , O ye of little faith ? And see not ye what ye shall eat , or what ye shall drink , neither be ye of doubtful mind . For all these things do the nations of the world seek after : and your Father knows that ye have need of these things . But rather seek ye the kingdom of God ; and all these things shall be added unto you . " Luke 12 : 25 - 31 Lord , Thank you for reminding us that you know us intimately even when we don 't understand the circumstances surrounding life and death . Thank you for providing for us all the days of our lives . Forgive us when we try to second guess your plans . Help us to rest knowing that you are in control of everything . Thank you most of all for providing eternal life through your Son , Jesus Christ . Amen . I could faintly hear the whisper of a name some place deep inside my mind . I was remembering my friend , Rob , and he was the first person " my age " who died that I had known . We had attended the same church and high school since the 7th grade . We sort of liked each other in the 9th grade . I decided that I would not think about that for a long time . However , I did think about Rob 's mother . Wasn 't she a widow ? Maybe she was the first widow I had ever known . We had never talked about Rob 's dad , but somehow it seemed that I had just accepted the fact that she was a widow . With a gentle sadness , she carried the responsibility of raising two teenage boys alone . It draped softly like a sheer scarf around her shoulders which clearly carried a weight too heavy to bear alone . She had great faith , though , and so she was not alone in a spiritual sense . It never seemed to bother her that she often sat alone in worship services . Whenever I saw her driving the boys to church , I never thought how hard it must have been for her to be always alone . If she ever complained , I didn 't know about it . If she ever cried , no one could tell it from the way she carried herself . There was a slight curve in the middle of her back that betrayed the supernatural strength that only God could have given to her . Why had I been so drawn to study her from a quiet distance ? As a teenager , I 'm sure I was paying no attention to many of the things going on around me . Like my friends , I was completely self - absorbed in the style of new clothes , the latest lip - gloss flavor , and wondering if Rob could tell that I was totally distracted by his presence in the room . It was the late ' 60s and I was lost in the " sounds of silence " as we hit out in the chapel of the church building on Sunday afternoons . Like most church youth groups , we had our own agenda when we arrived early for youth choir rehearsal . And it didn 't have anything to do with singing in the evening worship service . It was all about finding a way to elude the adult youth leaders so we could sneak a few minutes alone with our closest friends . As soon as we could steal away from all the adult authorities in our lives , we were totally involved in the latest gossip about " who liked who " and who we had seen at the movie theater or fast food restaurant on Saturday night . We were just a little too young to grasp the world - changing events of Woodstock or Kent State , but we heard about them on the radio and watched with disbelief on the evening news . We knew that adult society was in chaos , but we were just beginning to experiment with the social graces of early adolescence . While we didn 't know any real " hippies " in our town , we did rush to the mall to buy leather - fringed jackets . I still can recall the memory of a hazy Saturday afternoon spent walking to the mall from a friend 's house . There were six of us walking through summer grass along the side of the busy street leading to the familiar department stores . I didn 't actually know anyone from England , but I so wanted to wear whatever style was the latest import from the land of the Beatles . Nothing tasted sweeter than Bonnie Bell 's latest lip gloss , which was just another variation on frosted pink ! I can still see myself in that light brown leather jacket with six - inch fringe hanging in every direction . I only recall wearing it that one time and being aware of the smoky smell of fresh animal skin that was so intoxicating to a very impressionable teenage girl . We laughed and sang along to " He ain 't heavy , he 's my brother " on the portable radio that Rob was carrying on his shoulder . I wished that I had a brother like Rob . At least I wished that when I wasn 't wishing that he would ask me to be his girlfriend . I was always torn between wanting to like him and loving him like the brother . He was my first kiss , although I knew I probably wasn 't his . With sparkling blue eyes and wild reddish brown hair , he seemed to know more about life than anyone else in my sheltered world . Life remained fairly innocent through high school , but soon my care - free world would be shattered . I had come home for summer break at the end of my freshman year at college . I was no longer the same naïve ' teenage girl who had loved singing in youth choir at church . My perfect world was being stretched by living away from home for the first time . It was a tough adjustment for me and I had not handled it as quite as well as I should have . For the first time in my life , I had taken a job out in the real world of workday stress . It was just a temporary job for the summer , but it was a big first step into the adult world for me . I played along with the other employees as if I were in the game for life . They must have been amused by my eagerness to please the managers and annoyed that I thought I had fully arrived all at the same time . I did what ever my middle - aged counterparts did . I took breaks with them , joined in their discussions , and worked hard at fitting in with the others in the department . One of the executives was a man that I had known from church . His son and daughter had become involved in our youth group when they moved into town during my junior year in high school . The boy was my age , and the girl was two years younger . They moved in like they owned the place , and none of us liked either of them from the start . We didn 't like their parents either . We didn 't know why except that we were a typically tight little click of friends and they had invaded our space . The parents had joined in the church culture in the same way the kids had staked claim in the youth group . They were just a little too forceful for the gentile southern manners of our town . It was during the afternoon break at the office when he walked up to me in the company 's cafeteria line . I didn 't want to be rude , but speaking to him was just a matter of courteous behavior lacking any form of sincerity . In his usual cold manner he engaged me in a conversation that sent me reeling in my already fragile world . I turned to look up at this dark - suited man as if I were seeing him for the first time . What did he just say to me ? How dare he speak to me about my friend - like - a - brother with such disrespect ! He didn 't even know Rob . Even his two annoying teenage intruders didn 't really know Rob . " You don 't even know him , " I challenged , " and I doubt that anything you 've said is true ! " He was not my boss , and I didn 't care that he was one of the executives . He had just informed me of the most heart - breaking news that I could remember hearing at this point in my life . Coldly , he had asked , " Have you heard that Rob over - dosed last night ? " My mind put aside the idea of Rob having overdosed . Why did this man imply that Rob was taking any type of drugs , prescriptions or otherwise ? I left the cafeteria tray on the sterile steel bars and ran from the building without even going back to my desk . I was angry with this insensitive man for the tone he used when he spoke the words " over - dosed last night . " It was never confirmed whether it was an accidental combination of prescription drugs , or something more troubling . Immediately , I went to Rob 's house where I found many of his mother 's friends and family had gathered to comfort her . I watched them as if I were just a silent observer . The only time I cried was when his mother hugged me and thanked me for coming by to see her . There seemed to be nothing left to say about the heart - breaking death of my young friend . Summer passed quickly and I was back in college . Youth had lost its innocence and life would never be the same again . I felt that there were no good answers , and my mind found it easier to ignore the questions in my heart . Lord , We don 't understand so many things that happen in our lives . The death of a young friend is certainly hard to accept . Circumstances really don 't matter in the midst of grief . What matters is that You can help us through the sorrow , and some day we will have the answers that we need . Some day we will see our friends and family in Heaven . Even more wonderful is Your promise that there we will also meet You face to face . What a glorious day that will be ! In Jesus ' name , Amen . When an illness or accident ends in death , the one left alone can cry out to God . He will listen and answer with love and compassion . He does not cause us to lose the ones we love to draw us closer to Him , instead , He draws us closer to Him because He knows that we are going to lose loved ones . If you 've lost a friend or loved one through death , then you probably know there is one little word that poses a huge question , " Why ? " Some of us have had a really hard time reconciling answers to this question . Others are afraid to even ask fearing that it might be wrong to question God . Is God big enough to handle our questions ? Does God get mad when we ask questions ? Will God answer our questions ? Will we ever know " Why ? " Peggy is one of the kindest , most gentle ladies I 've ever met . She is a caring person whose giant heart has known more than its share of sadness . She has cared for several friends and family members with cancer , even her cat and dog had cancer . I 's been said that everyone will have a close friend or family member with cancer , and this may be as true for you and me as it has been for Peggy . After her husband 's battle with cancer , Peggy found it comforting to have her old friend , Fluffy , sleeping by her side . Some how the night did not seem as dark , the room as cold and lonely , nor the day as tiring when she could hear the soft purr of her gentle companion . Falling asleep alone is one of the hardest things to do when you 've lost a husband . Tossing on a pillowcase that is damp with your own tears when you 're somewhere between exhaustion and insomnia can be a very lonely place . Peggy fell asleep many nights talking over the events and problems of the day with Fluffy . Sometimes Peggy wondered if Fluffy missed Duke as much as she missed Ricky . Duke was a Lab who had joined the family long before the death of Peggy 's husband , Ricky . When Fluffy strayed into the family a few years later , Duke had acted all big and bad at first just to make sure he was still the Alpha dog . But soon Fluffy won his heart as well as Peggy 's . Duke 's death was a sharp contrast to his long , care - free life . At the very end , it was determined that Duke had cancer . " What a slap in the face , " Peggy thought . Ricky had died just the year before after a two - year battle with cancer . And now , Duke ! It didn 't seem right that this should be happening all over again . Peggy was grateful that he didn 't suffer as long as Ricky had battled the disease , and certainly it was not as bad as all the hospital stays and medical bills . But it still hurt to come home without Duke 's joyful welcome at the front door . Then Fluffy began to show troublesome signs of aging . Peggy noticed that she didn 't jump on the back of the sofa when the afternoon sun cast wispy shadows on the wall . Birds landing on the window sill outside didn 't seem to catch her eye quite as often , and she slept a lot more than usual . Peggy wanted to think that Fluffy was just getting old and maybe bored without Duke . But in her heart , she felt that familiar dread that maybe it was something more serious . When she came home from work and noticed that Fluffy had not eaten for the third day in a row , Peggy knew it was time to take her to the vet . Coming home without Fluffy was just as hard as loosing Duke . The vet said the kind and humane thing to do was to let her go peacefully without suffering the effects of feline leukemia any longer . The words " kind and humane " echoed in Peggy 's mind as she drove home alone . No one seemed to be worried about being kind or humane when it came to the pain that stabbed through Peggy 's heart like a jagged knife . How could God take every oneLord , when we hurt more than words can express , and all we have are tears and unanswered questions , please answer with your goodness and love . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by My Little Samuel . " I sang this song to him over and again while we rocked ! Samuel means " Asked of God " - that is exactly what I had done . Just like Hannah asked for her son in I Samuel 1 : 10 , I had prayed for a child . God granted that gift with a wonderful 7 lb . 10 oz . baby boy - Samuel ! We had three and a half busy , happy years together before God took Samuel home to be with him . I felt such unimaginable grief , betrayal , anguish , abandonment , emptiness , injustice - " This can 't be - God didn 't really give me the desire of my heart only to take him back ! I didn 't have long enough , I needed more time ! " It was around midnight on a Saturday night when my life was changed forever - my little Samuel was gone tragically on Mother 's Day . The day began like so many others , as I was cooking breakfast while Samuel played upstairs in the playroom . I heard him crying and I ran upstairs . He was holding a place on his chest . There was no blood to indicate a serious injury , but I held him until he quit crying . There was nothing but a tiny red dot on his chest . He wanted to show Daddy and put a Winnie the Pooh band - aid on it . A small accident was an all - too - familiar scene in the life of a three year old boy . When the babysitter arrived , my husband and I went to work and all seemed well . When I got home from work , Samuel 's babysitter said he had not felt good after a long nap . She took his shirt off and showed me the place he had hurt that morning . The tiny red dot had swollen like a mosquito bite . We went out to dinner with some friends and Samuel was just not himself . He didn 't want to eat or play . At dinner , I noticed the place on his chest was bruising . Afterwards , we decided to take him to the emergency room just to make sure everything was okay . The nurse took his vital signs and he seemed to be fine although he did not want her to touch his chest . While we were going over the insurance information , my husband held Samuel in his arms . Suddenly , Samuel had a seizure that made his little body become stiff . The doctors and nurses were running everywhere . They made Ron put Samuel on a bed and immediately they ran us out of the room . The doctors and nurses worked on him for two hours trying to revive him . It was after midnight when the doctor told us there was nothing they could do . The doctor could not hide his own tears as he said that Samuel had bled internally all day . He said there was no way we could have known that anything was wrong . He said that he would not have even brought his own child in any sooner than we did . I later realized that it was Mother 's Day when Samuel was pronounced dead . I felt as though my world had stopped when Samuel died . Life became very dark . I felt like it was the end of my hopes , the end of my dreams , and the end of the world that I lived for . The reality that he was gone was more than I could bear . I thought of all the things I could never do again . I could never hold him again , rock him to sleep , kiss his tiny hurts , brush that baby fine hair , sing to him and teach him , watch cartoons or play outside , hear him call my name , see the sparkle in his eyes , comfort him when he was afraid , clean up his messes and pick up toys , wash his little clothes , give him a bath as he played with tub toys , sing with him while getting him dressed , praise him for " going potty , " or touch his soft skin , know his sweet love , go to birthday parties or day care , read bed time stories , or watch him participate in school programs . I thought about not seeing him grow through kindergarten , elementary and high school , play soccer , walk across the stage at graduation , go to college , or even marry and have a family of his own . My arms were empty , but even more the arms of my heart ached to hold him one more time - just once ! All that was left to remind us of Samuel were his toys and clothes , his room , his friends , his pictures , our memories , and his tiny hand - prints on the windows . I felt that all I really had left was the agony of empty arms . This was the first time I had ever felt disappointed in God , thinking He had not taken care of me . I had given my life to the Lord when I was 6 years old , so I had always been confident that God was in me and with me taking care of me . Although I felt disappointed in God , the truth is that He never said that life would be fair . I felt cheated because the plans I had for my life were not His plans . There were no answers for my tormenting questions . We never really knew what caused Samuel 's death . When I could no longer answer my questions about who I was any more , what was my purpose for living was now , God answered them for me . I felt that I was at the end of my rope when I read Romans 8 : 26 - 27 : In the same way , the Spirit helps us in our weakness . We do not know what we ought to pray for , but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express . And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit , because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God 's will . Indeed the Spirit had interceded for me when I was so emotionally exhausted that there were no words . Then I could finally say to God , " All that I am and all that is mine are Yours . " When I finally gave it all to Him , He began to renew my mind with His strength , His presence , compassion and grace . I had to be still and let Him overwhelm me with the reality that He is God . I had to be still and surrender my hopes and dreams to Him ! One year later , my Mom died after much suffering with cancer . I was numb from losing my baby and my Mama . Ironically , it was again on Mother 's Day - when I should have been celebrating with my Mom and being celebrated for being a Mom ! For me , it was gripping grief - nothing more . As time passed , I sought healing and yielded to God 's sovereignty . I learned to celebrate the little things , to praise God for His purposes and plans , to cherish the time with loved ones , to give them to God in my heart , to try to see people and situations through God 's eyes , to know when God needs me to be his messenger of hope and peace . No , it has not been easy ! But His mercies are new every morning ! Lord , through our greatest sorrow and pain , your Holy Spirit provides comfort . We cannot understand , but we can rest assured that you know our hearts . God , the Father of our Lord Jesus , sacrificed His only Son so that we might have eternal life and perfect healing in Heaven . Thank you for the life of this precious child , Samuel , and for the peace you gave to his mother - a peace that is beyond human understanding . In Jesus ' name , Amen . |
" Then time stopped for a second as I realized she was about to cry . Was she having sudden remorse for giving away the dog ? I looked closer and felt my soul being drawn toward a familiar place . She was fighting back the tears of recent loss and unresolved grief . " It began as a clearly random encounter in a local pet store one Sunday after church . Lee , my teenage son , and I were turning into the parking lot of a popular restaurant . I noticed white tents occupying a portion of the parking lot and banners proclaiming a pet sale sponsored by the Humane Society . I immediately said to Lee , " We need to get another dog . " He looked at me as if I 'd had a sudden loss of consciousness . We already have too much going on to spend time with our dog waiting to be fed at home . I 'd had this thought before , and had even searched online for a breed that might mix well with Kylee , our mostly - basset hound . She seems lonely to me , and the fact that we are so busy gave us only limited time to spend with her . This was the very reason I had thought about finding a companion for my canine . Today was different though because I wasn 't just thinking that it might be nice to have another pet , but I just knew we were meant to find our new dog in this very parking lot . After lunch , I still thought that there was a dog under those white tents who belonged at my house . Lee and I drove a full circle around the tented dog sale , slowly enough for me to see that there were several metal kennels and lots of people being walked around by a variety of dogs . I parked the car , telling myself that it would just take a minute to scurry through the kennel maze and prove to Lee that we were supposed to find a dog here . There were lots of big dogs , a few medium - size dogs , but no puppies that could be trained by my Kylee in the ways of our family . I asked several of the volunteers which one of these dogs would mix well with a basset hound . Amazingly , they all were likely candidates according to the Humane Society volunteers . But I knew none of these dogs were going home with me . As I began to doubt my conviction , a volunteer pointed out that some new dogs had just arrived fresh from the shelter . Perhaps one of these dogs would be more to my liking . Although they were all quite likable , I knew that I still had not met the right dog . Then one of the volunteers suggested that I go inside the pet store , and then I realized why the tents had been erected in this particular parking lot . She said , " We have puppies inside that belong to the shelter , but it 's too hot out here for them . " A puppy was just what I had in mind , so Lee and I headed inside to the makeshift area that had been set up for the Society dogs . It was conveniently , although not subtly , placed in front of the pet store display of dogs and cats for full - price sale . There were only two puppies left , brothers from the same litter . I knew why they were left behind while the other pups were already snuggled up in the homes of new families . These poor mutts had absolutely no personality , and they had balled themselves into one furry clump as if to say , " We aThey were not my puppies either . I knew they needed to stay together and the idea of two puppies was even more than I could justify to Lee , who was still looking bewildered . Then suddenly I saw him , a beagle puppy in the arms of another middle - aged woman . She had just selected a cat collar to go with a long dog - walking leash . Not only was she holding my dog , she didn 't even know the difference between a dog vs cat collar . I heard myself saying out loud to anyone who would listen , " There he is , just the dog I had in mind . " The startled volunteer countered , " But that dog isn 't for sale . That 's her dog , not one of ours . You can 't have her dog ! " The woman holding the dog didn 't see me because her attention was directed to the store manager . She had a friend with her who was obviously in charge of whatever it was they were doing there . After a brief introduction , the store manager gently explained to the woman that the store could not sell any pets except those sent from the company . The woman assured the manager that she didn 't want to sell the puppy , but wanted to leave it at the pet store to be given to anyone who would have it . The manager tried again to explain how that just wouldn 't work with the store 's policy . The woman with the puppy was disappointed , and her friend argued the point on her behalf . And , all the while , her little beagle puppy was looking at me . Suddenly the shelter volunteer pointed to me and announced , " She wants that dog ! " All eyes turned to me as I nodded and smiled at the puppy . At that moment , the friend in charge walked boldly up to me . " Tell me about your home , " she demanded . I muttered something about a 3 - bedroom / 2 - bath house in town as she surveyed me from head to toe . " Where do you work , what do you do , how old are your kids , and do they like dogs ? " all spewed from her lips . The barrage of questions could not interfere with the intense gaze shared between the pup and me . As the arms of the woman holding the pup reached out to me , she said , " Do you want to hold him ? " He weighed only ounces as he sat upon one hand while I stroked his back with the other hand . He rested his head on my shoulder , as he snuggled into my heart . The transition was complete as his now - former owner handed over the dog leash and new cat collar . " I don 't know if this will fit him , " she said , " and I haven 't paid for it yet if you want to choose a different one . " As I passed the cat collar to Lee , I asked him to find a little - bit - larger dog collar . She then explained that she had a portable kennel , a bag of food , a blanket and a few dog toys she would gladly throw into the deal if I would just take him home . I began As Lee and I drove home with the curious and suddenly lively little puppy , I realized the afternoon 's mission had nothing to do with finding a new family pet . It was this woman whose soul was seared with grief that I had been sent to find . She needed a word of encouragement from someone who had survived the depths of indescribable pain . We would exchange a couple of phone calls , but we didn 't continue the exchange all the way to the walking park . She was glad to let go of the dog , and in some way this letting go enabled her to move forward with her life . " Bear one another 's burdens , and so fulfill the law of Christ " ( Galatians 6 : 2 ) . LORD , help me to be aware of people around me who are hurting and need encouragement . Allow me to take the time to be a friend to those who are lonely and hurting . Thank you for the opportunity to share my faith when I meet people who need your love . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by She was one of the young wives I had just met in a new town . Her husband was attending classes at the Seminary . He wanted to be a missionary in a foreign land , so foreign that he would need a pilot 's license to fly there . She was a shopper like me . We loved talking as we walked from one store to the next all over the huge mall near our apartment complex . We were wives of ministerial students , and the fact that we had very little money to spend did not diminish the fun of window - shopping . One December afternoon , we pushed a shopping cart through the narrow aisles of a discount store . There were just a few Christmas gift items that we needed to find and it was payday , the 15th of the month . Our husbands would be home soon , so we hurried to the check out counter . I was at the front of the cart busily unloading and separating my few items from Karen 's when I realized that she hadn 't responded to the last comment I had made . I turned to look back at her , but I saw only a ghostly white face that didn 't seem to go with the slight frame of my new best friend . " What 's wrong ? " I asked . The cashier was ringing up the items unaware of the panic that was rising from somewhere deep inside me . " Karen , are you okay ? " She didn 't respond . She didn 't seem to be able to see me . Was she going to faint ? Did she even have a pulse ? I had never seen anyone instantly turn such an awful shade of gray . What was she looking at on the ceiling ? Her eyes were glazed and I knew she had no idea where she was at that moment . I looked at my watch . 3 : 01 p . m . Instinctively I knew that I would never forget 3 : 01 p . m . on December 15 . What was she saying ? " Karen , what are you saying ? " I almost whispered to her . She wasn 't saying anything . She was singing . Very softly , she was singing a hymn . Somehow I paid for all the items in the cart , and managed to get her and the shopping bags into my car . I had to get her home immediately , before I lost control completely . I thought everything would be okay when she got home . Kent would be home by the time we got there , and he would take care of her . I needed to get home , too . All I could think about was getting back to our apartment complex as quickly as possible . Karen continued to sing in the car . " Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling , " she sang in a hushed voice . Then for a few minutes she hummed another familiar hymn . She had not spoken a word to me , and she was still that very strange color of pale gray . As my car coasted to a stop in front of the stairway to her apartment , I could see our pastor standing at the top of the steps . " Good , " I thought , " he will know what to do with Karen . " It didn 't really seem strange to me that he was waiting there on the top step . I thought he must have been there to visit with Kent and maybe he had been invited to supper . Without a word , Karen gathered her things and gently stepped out of the car . She stood there smiling at me as I drove away . I waved , but mostly I wondered , " What just happened ? " Quickly I put the purchased items away , and began preparing to cook dinner . I hadn 't really planned to cook a big meal , but it just seemed like the right thing to do . I found myself preparing to roast a whole chicken with a pan of homemade dressing . I would add a vegetable side to go with it , I thought . It seemed like seconds later that I was opening the oven to take out a golden brown roasted chicken sitting atop bubbling hot dressing . It smelled wonderful , and I was just about to take it out of the oven when the phone rang . I don 't recall what was said , but I realized that our pastor was speaking to me . I hung up the phone without knowing whethKent was dead . He was 27 years old . How could a brilliant young seminary student die ? He wanted to get more flight experience over water , so he had signed on with one of the oil companies to transport executives out to the oil rigs and back to their plush office suites in downtown New Orleans . At exactly 3 : 01 p . m . , his plane caught a tower wire and burst into flames . Exactly at 3 : 01 pm on December 15 . Our pastor had been waiting outside their apartment door to deliver the grim news to this 23 - year - old widow . Another seminary wife , was watching their two - year - old daughter , and she offered to keep her until family members arrived . I wrapped up the chicken and dressing to take to Karen 's apartment . I realized that it was never meant to be our dinner , but had been prepared for those who would come to comfort her . I don 't remember the rest of the week . I don 't remember when she left campus or how often we talked on the phone over the next couple of years . I just know she was the first widow close to my age that I had ever known . There really is no ending to Karen 's story . Those of us who have lost a loved one in a tragic instant have found that there is no ending . My place in her story would resume at a later time , but for the moment there were others who would hold her hand . Family members came to take her to the safe place called home where she could rest and prepare to begin a new journey . " Sing unto God , sing praises to his name , extol him that rides upon the heavens by his name Jah ( the Lord , most vehement ) , and rejoice before him . A father of the fatherless , and an advocate of the widows , is God in is holy habitation " ( Psalm 68 : 4 - 5 ) . LORD , thank you for giving a song in our hearts even in times of grief and sorrow . We praise you , O God , for the protection you provide for the widows and the fatherless , and we thank you for the comfort of the Holy Spirit in times of sorrow . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by The phone call had surprised me . Jerry 's brother , Claude , was saying that he was passing through town on the way to his weekend guard duty . Could he come by and visit with us ? " Sure , that would be fine , but Jerry is out of town , gone to a training class for his new job , " I answered . He said he would still like to come by to see the kids . I answered his knock at the door , and thought how much more he looked like his dad . Usually he looked so much more like Jerry , but age was favoring his dad now that he was over 40 . Claude , Jr . was the oldest of the seven brothers and sisters . Jerry was in the middle somewhere . The kids were clinging to his pants legs and he carried Gloria riding on his foot as he made his way to the sofa . He hadn 't been able to get here for Jerry 's retirement at the base . No one in the family had made it . It had been just the guys in the squadron and me . We wisely chose not to bring the girls and baby Lee . I had driven to the base by myself , and Jerry 's commander and I tried to talk him out of retirement and back into another tour of duty . The recent promotion to Sr . Master Sergeant had come with a remote tour overseas . Jerry was the most committed family man I had ever known , and he was not going to leave his family . I knew that I was not going to the island of Guam with a newborn and two little girls . Retirement was Jerry 's only option in his way of thinking . The only thing I remember from the ceremony was fighting back tears of regret for the shortened military career of a man who had never planned to retire less than Chief Master Sergeant . I knew that the regret would eat him alive from within and that I would be the reason for it . I vaguely remember seeing him receive the flag that had flown over the Capitol in Washington D . C . , which was provided by our state representative . We sort of knew him because his right - hand - man was an active member of our church . " Oh , I want to show you Jerry 's flag ! " I said to Claude , as I rushed down the hallway to get it from the bedroom where it was mounted in a triangular display case . I took it out , and said , " It flew over the Capitol , you know . " As I turned to face Claude , he stood to his full height and reached his arms forward to receive the American flag . As I walked across the room toward him , there was a hollow ringing sound in my ears . I heard my voice , as if it were very far away . I didn 't have time to think about what I was saying . My eyes locked with those of my brother - in - law and the world blurred into slow motion . I watched his face as the flag slowly passed from my hands to his . I saw his eyes drop from my face to the stripes of red and white and stars on a field of blue . Somehow I knew that I would never see this man again . I swallowed hard , and I forced the dark , bitter - strong thought from my mind . He was beaming with pride and his eyes glistened as he looked at this precious symbol of the freedom he had fought for in Viet Nam . I was faint and nausea was rising in my throat as the brown carpet swirled at my feet . Jerry came home that night and I made my voice light and unconcerned as I told him how Claude had played with the children , and that I hoped he didn 't mind that I had taken the flag out of the case to show it to his brother . When the phone call came from their sister three days later , I was not even surprised . I drove out to the base , and I wept as I told Jerry that his big brother , Claude , had died . He didn 't seem to understand what I was saying at first , and then he put his hand on his forehead and sank back in the chair at this desk . I never told him of the slow - motion premonition . I don 't recall ever telling anyone at all . We drove to the family hometown in north Alabama . It didn 't occur to us to drive over to the base where Claude had been serving weekend guard duty , although it was only a couple of hours from our house . When we arrived with all the children in tow , Grandpa 's house was full of family . As an only - child , this big family had taken some getting used to for me . We sat in the kitchen with the rest of the family trying to comfort their daddy . He was a man of very few words , and there were no words at all for this day . Someone finally said that he wanted his oldest boy brought home , and that it just wasn 't fair to have to wait a week for the funeral service . I didn 't fully understand , but I knew something was not happening the way it should be . Why would they wait a week to have the service ? The sisters put together an explanation about the confusion that was delaying the body being shipped home . " See , Claude , Jr . was in the Army Guard , but they sent his troop to work at the Air Force Base in Florida , " the sisters explained . " The Army has no control over when the Air Force will release the body , " they continued , " and Daddy is upset about it . " I walked to the phone and said , " I need to make a few calls , ok ? " Our church office had the phone number for our state representative 's right - hand - man . After thanking him for sending Jerry 's retirement flag , I told him about the circumstances we were facing . I explained that Jerry 's brother 's body was being held at the base at Eglin and the Air Force wouldn 't release it . " " Do you know where I am ? " this friend - of - our - family asked . " And , do you know who is right here with me ? " he continued . I had no idea that he and our state representative were at that very moment at Eglin Air Force Base . The number given to me by the church secretary had been forwarded to a meeting room directly across the street from the office where the decision would be made to release the body of my husband 's brother that same afternoon . How marvelous are His ways ! We " O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God ! How unsearchable are his judgments , and his ways untraceable ! " Romans 11 : 33 LORD , thank you for the riches you give us through your wisdom . You know what we need even before we experience the loss and sorrow of grief . Keep our tender hearts in your care always . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by I don 't remember if she was in the hospital when we arrived for the Labor Day Weekend festivities , but suddenly we were at the hospital . She was weak and thin , and seemed more frail than anyone I had ever seen . Jerry and I waited in the hallway of the ICU . The feeling of nausea was familiar , but seemed out of place now that I was past the second trimester of my first pregnancy . The nagging pain in my heart contrasted sharply with the butterfly kicks of the fetus within . " She will be fine , " I told myself as I prayed that this child would get to meet her great - grandmother . I knew that Mama Rene would want to see her only grandchild 's baby more than anything else in the world . I saw my mother standing a few feet away from the bed when they waved me into the private room . I was glad that she had stepped away to give me a few minutes with Mama Rene . Someone had combed her hair and helped her apply fresh lipstick . She smiled that serene smile that had comforted me all my life as she said , " It 's time for me to go home now . " " Well , good , " I said . " I 'm so glad you are getting to come home . " She really looked so much better than earlier that afternoon . Her eyes were shining and the color in her cheeks had returned . Her sweet smile did not betray the true meaning of her words . " I have to go home now , Sweetheart . I am so happy about going home , and I want you to be happy , too . " She asked me to give her a kiss , and I teased her that I would be giving her a great big kiss just as soon as we got her back in her own bed at home . How odd it seemed that she should close her eyes . She didn 't laugh at my teasing and her smile faded as her face relaxed . Suddenly the nurses were entering the room . Jerry was pushing me out into the hallway , and my mother was sobbing , " No , no . " Oh , that " home ! " She did not mean her earthly home , but the home of her precious Lord Jesus . She knew she was going to a glorious home that she could not describe . She was happy to go , and I knew that she had wanted us to let her go as peacefully as possible . Later than night , Jerry and I slept in her bed . There were only two bedrooms in her house where I had spent most of my childhood . The hardwood floors were smooth and worn , and the walls were the same soft green that I had always known . My parents were in the other bedroom . I didn 't think I could sleep there , but somehow I had fallen into a deep sleep . The dream began immediately as if there were only a few minutes to accomplish a night 's work . The creamy green mixed with clouds of white . A misty wind blew gently around me as I floated up and up and up . I was aware that someone above me was watching intently as I ascended . There was nothing to fear . I felt relaxed as if I were sleeping peacefully in my own bed . She could see the unborn baby through the flesh of my abdomen , and she was beaming with pride . I couldn 't see her clearly , but I knew the familiar look of unconditional love that had always favored me . She was rejoicing at the miracle of seeing her great - grandchild for the first time . I could feel the presence of His hand pushing gently into my body . There was no pain , just a feeling of awe as I realized that His unseen hand was holding the tiniest foot . Slowly , my baby 's foot was lifted up . There was an odd static unrest in the air above me . I could hear whispered words , but not clearly enough to understand what she was saying . She had been allowed to see something that was still hidden from my view . His other hand slowly covered the toes and wrapped around the fingers that held my baby 's foot . It took only a second , and then things were back to normal . I was waking up as the dim morning light made soft shadows on the creamy green walls . I remember waking Jerry , but I didn 't tell him about the dream . I just cried quietly in his arms . He comforted me in his easy way unaware of the wonderful dream . I 'm sure he thought that facing the first day without my grandmother was reason enough for me to cry . With fingers of curiosity , I gently rubbed my stomach . The baby inside slept peacefully . When Candi was born months later , there was an odd little birthmark on the bottom of her foot just below the toes . The blue - pink marking was the only sign of the miracle that I held deep within my heart . She pranced upon those toes as she began walking . She danced on those toes in frilly pink costumes . She cheered and tumbled her way through high school and college on the foot that was healed by our Creator at the prayer of her great - grandmother on a miraculous night . To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord . At His side and in the familiar conversation of one who prayed continually , her request for healing was granted . She was home indeed ! And I had witnessed the glory of it all in a beautiful dream . What joy to know that He had given her the desire of her heart on the day of her home coming . She would not have left this earth without seeing that baby born except to enter into His presence . He allowed her to see without any limitation , so clearly that she could see the tiny physical flaw . She saw beyond the timeless boundaries and spoke her request in faith to Him . He healed the child inside the womb based on the faith of this new celestial citizen . What compassion He shows us even in miraculous moments of peaceful sleep . LORD , thank you for your promise to those who have chosen to accept your gift of salvation that we will be present with you when we leave this earth . The fear of leaving our human bodies cannot compare with the joy of being with you for all eternity . In Jesus ' name , Amen . It had been about two months since Jerry 's death when I returned to the church office to work on the monthly newsletter . The pastor asked me to come into his office to meet a woman who had come to talk with him . As he introduced us , he told her that I had recently lost my husband . As his gaze shifted from this better - than - middle - aged woman to me , I knew he wanted me to catch some deeper insight into the words he spoke . He said to me , " This lady is also a widow . " As our hands met , I saw that her face was thin and worn , and she appeared to be as fragile as I still felt . I thought that her husband must have died as recently as mine . She sighed deeply , " Yes , and not a day goes by that I don 't think about how wonderful my husband was and how lonely my life is now without him . " With that comment , I felt the chill of unresolved sorrow . " How recently did he pass ? " I asked . " Fifteen miserable years ago ! " she scowled through angry clenched teeth . Whether I spoke aloud again , I really can 't say . The pastor was talking with her , but I could only hear the rush of blood through my temples as I frantically prayed , " Oh , God , please don 't let me live long enough to be like this woman ! " When she left his office , the pastor knew that his point had been well received . He had made that introduction because he wanted me to see " Future Horrid . " He hoped that I would vow to never become like her . I said to him , " Don 't ever let me become that bitter person . " He smiled and replied , " You won 't . " Some years before Jerry 's death someone had said to me , " You can either become bitter or get better . " I knew that it was imperative that I keep the promise I had made to myself to find a way to get better every day . Bitter is not a color that I wear well . LORD , I know I need to be more patient and trust You to complete what You have begun in my life . That is especially difficult in times when it feels like nothing is happening at all ! The right thing at the wrong time can be as damaging as the wrong thing at any time . Do whatever You need to do to get me where I need to be when I need to be there , and help me trust Your timing and not be anxious in the meantime . In Jesus ' name , Amen . When you go to the grocery in the middle of the afternoon , you see all sorts of folks you don 't see there on the weekend . Usually , I would have been working in the middle of the day . But since my mom 's last stroke , I had been running errands during the day for my parents . It seemed there was something they needed from the grocery or pharmacy every day . This day , I was hurrying through the store aisles . As I turned the corner of the last aisle , I saw a lady from church . I had often seen her at the nursing home where her husband had been living for several years . She would be there patiently feeding him lunch in the dining hall and faithfully caring for his every need . We greeted each other in the grocery as she asked , " How is your mom ? " As I began to tell her about Mom 's second stroke , she asked if I had heard that her husband had died in February . " No , " I said , " I had not heard about that . I am so sorry . " And then she began to tell the story of his final day on earth . " It was the day before Valentine 's Day , " she began . " Remember how hard it rained that day ? " she asked , and I nodded as I recalled the the stormy weather . She continued , " He sat up in bed that day and said , ' Look at all that rain ! ' And I said to him , ' Who are you ? ' Because he had not spoken that clearly or even noticed the rain for months . " And then she told me that later that night , he had died in his sleep . Her eyes tightened and her cheeks flushed as she said , " I should have known , because he was so different . " My mind drifted away from our conversation as I wondered how many other widows have said that same thing , " I should have known . " Recalling my own husband 's death , I thought " Certainly , I should have known . " I still remember how I sat up in bed feeling the presence of angels around me . " Reach out to him . " They didn 't speak out loud of course , but I could hear them urging me to reach out to him . I did not . At the time , I thought I had good reasons not to wake him in the middle of the night . It 's one of those things that I 've wanted to do over so many times . Later when my mother died , sixteen months after the first stroke , my dad said that I should have been there . My children and I had been there so many other times in the middle of the night , but not that night . So often we live in denial of the obvious truth . And yet when that one thing which is impossible to know finally happens , we blame ourselves by saying , " I should have known . " The truth is that no one can know the day or the hour of the passing of another person or even know of their own death . There are reasons why these things are known only by God . " And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit ? If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least , why take ye thought for the rest ? Consider the lilies how they grow : they toil not , they spin not ; and yet I say unto you , that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these . If then God so clothe the grass , which is to day in the field , and to morrow is cast into the oven ; how much more will he clothe you , O ye of little faith ? And see not ye what ye shall eat , or what ye shall drink , neither be ye of doubtful mind . For all these things do the nations of the world seek after : and your Father knows that ye have need of these things . But rather seek ye the kingdom of God ; and all these things shall be added unto you . " Luke 12 : 25 - 31 Lord , Thank you for reminding us that you know us intimately even when we don 't understand the circumstances surrounding life and death . Thank you for providing for us all the days of our lives . Forgive us when we try to second guess your plans . Help us to rest knowing that you are in control of everything . Thank you most of all for providing eternal life through your Son , Jesus Christ . Amen . I could faintly hear the whisper of a name some place deep inside my mind . I was remembering my friend , Rob , and he was the first person " my age " who died that I had known . We had attended the same church and high school since the 7th grade . We sort of liked each other in the 9th grade . I decided that I would not think about that for a long time . However , I did think about Rob 's mother . Wasn 't she a widow ? Maybe she was the first widow I had ever known . We had never talked about Rob 's dad , but somehow it seemed that I had just accepted the fact that she was a widow . With a gentle sadness , she carried the responsibility of raising two teenage boys alone . It draped softly like a sheer scarf around her shoulders which clearly carried a weight too heavy to bear alone . She had great faith , though , and so she was not alone in a spiritual sense . It never seemed to bother her that she often sat alone in worship services . Whenever I saw her driving the boys to church , I never thought how hard it must have been for her to be always alone . If she ever complained , I didn 't know about it . If she ever cried , no one could tell it from the way she carried herself . There was a slight curve in the middle of her back that betrayed the supernatural strength that only God could have given to her . Why had I been so drawn to study her from a quiet distance ? As a teenager , I 'm sure I was paying no attention to many of the things going on around me . Like my friends , I was completely self - absorbed in the style of new clothes , the latest lip - gloss flavor , and wondering if Rob could tell that I was totally distracted by his presence in the room . It was the late ' 60s and I was lost in the " sounds of silence " as we hit out in the chapel of the church building on Sunday afternoons . Like most church youth groups , we had our own agenda when we arrived early for youth choir rehearsal . And it didn 't have anything to do with singing in the evening worship service . It was all about finding a way to elude the adult youth leaders so we could sneak a few minutes alone with our closest friends . As soon as we could steal away from all the adult authorities in our lives , we were totally involved in the latest gossip about " who liked who " and who we had seen at the movie theater or fast food restaurant on Saturday night . We were just a little too young to grasp the world - changing events of Woodstock or Kent State , but we heard about them on the radio and watched with disbelief on the evening news . We knew that adult society was in chaos , but we were just beginning to experiment with the social graces of early adolescence . While we didn 't know any real " hippies " in our town , we did rush to the mall to buy leather - fringed jackets . I still can recall the memory of a hazy Saturday afternoon spent walking to the mall from a friend 's house . There were six of us walking through summer grass along the side of the busy street leading to the familiar department stores . I didn 't actually know anyone from England , but I so wanted to wear whatever style was the latest import from the land of the Beatles . Nothing tasted sweeter than Bonnie Bell 's latest lip gloss , which was just another variation on frosted pink ! I can still see myself in that light brown leather jacket with six - inch fringe hanging in every direction . I only recall wearing it that one time and being aware of the smoky smell of fresh animal skin that was so intoxicating to a very impressionable teenage girl . We laughed and sang along to " He ain 't heavy , he 's my brother " on the portable radio that Rob was carrying on his shoulder . I wished that I had a brother like Rob . At least I wished that when I wasn 't wishing that he would ask me to be his girlfriend . I was always torn between wanting to like him and loving him like the brother . He was my first kiss , although I knew I probably wasn 't his . With sparkling blue eyes and wild reddish brown hair , he seemed to know more about life than anyone else in my sheltered world . Life remained fairly innocent through high school , but soon my care - free world would be shattered . I had come home for summer break at the end of my freshman year at college . I was no longer the same naïve ' teenage girl who had loved singing in youth choir at church . My perfect world was being stretched by living away from home for the first time . It was a tough adjustment for me and I had not handled it as quite as well as I should have . For the first time in my life , I had taken a job out in the real world of workday stress . It was just a temporary job for the summer , but it was a big first step into the adult world for me . I played along with the other employees as if I were in the game for life . They must have been amused by my eagerness to please the managers and annoyed that I thought I had fully arrived all at the same time . I did what ever my middle - aged counterparts did . I took breaks with them , joined in their discussions , and worked hard at fitting in with the others in the department . One of the executives was a man that I had known from church . His son and daughter had become involved in our youth group when they moved into town during my junior year in high school . The boy was my age , and the girl was two years younger . They moved in like they owned the place , and none of us liked either of them from the start . We didn 't like their parents either . We didn 't know why except that we were a typically tight little click of friends and they had invaded our space . The parents had joined in the church culture in the same way the kids had staked claim in the youth group . They were just a little too forceful for the gentile southern manners of our town . It was during the afternoon break at the office when he walked up to me in the company 's cafeteria line . I didn 't want to be rude , but speaking to him was just a matter of courteous behavior lacking any form of sincerity . In his usual cold manner he engaged me in a conversation that sent me reeling in my already fragile world . I turned to look up at this dark - suited man as if I were seeing him for the first time . What did he just say to me ? How dare he speak to me about my friend - like - a - brother with such disrespect ! He didn 't even know Rob . Even his two annoying teenage intruders didn 't really know Rob . " You don 't even know him , " I challenged , " and I doubt that anything you 've said is true ! " He was not my boss , and I didn 't care that he was one of the executives . He had just informed me of the most heart - breaking news that I could remember hearing at this point in my life . Coldly , he had asked , " Have you heard that Rob over - dosed last night ? " My mind put aside the idea of Rob having overdosed . Why did this man imply that Rob was taking any type of drugs , prescriptions or otherwise ? I left the cafeteria tray on the sterile steel bars and ran from the building without even going back to my desk . I was angry with this insensitive man for the tone he used when he spoke the words " over - dosed last night . " It was never confirmed whether it was an accidental combination of prescription drugs , or something more troubling . Immediately , I went to Rob 's house where I found many of his mother 's friends and family had gathered to comfort her . I watched them as if I were just a silent observer . The only time I cried was when his mother hugged me and thanked me for coming by to see her . There seemed to be nothing left to say about the heart - breaking death of my young friend . Summer passed quickly and I was back in college . Youth had lost its innocence and life would never be the same again . I felt that there were no good answers , and my mind found it easier to ignore the questions in my heart . Lord , We don 't understand so many things that happen in our lives . The death of a young friend is certainly hard to accept . Circumstances really don 't matter in the midst of grief . What matters is that You can help us through the sorrow , and some day we will have the answers that we need . Some day we will see our friends and family in Heaven . Even more wonderful is Your promise that there we will also meet You face to face . What a glorious day that will be ! In Jesus ' name , Amen . When an illness or accident ends in death , the one left alone can cry out to God . He will listen and answer with love and compassion . He does not cause us to lose the ones we love to draw us closer to Him , instead , He draws us closer to Him because He knows that we are going to lose loved ones . If you 've lost a friend or loved one through death , then you probably know there is one little word that poses a huge question , " Why ? " Some of us have had a really hard time reconciling answers to this question . Others are afraid to even ask fearing that it might be wrong to question God . Is God big enough to handle our questions ? Does God get mad when we ask questions ? Will God answer our questions ? Will we ever know " Why ? " Peggy is one of the kindest , most gentle ladies I 've ever met . She is a caring person whose giant heart has known more than its share of sadness . She has cared for several friends and family members with cancer , even her cat and dog had cancer . I 's been said that everyone will have a close friend or family member with cancer , and this may be as true for you and me as it has been for Peggy . After her husband 's battle with cancer , Peggy found it comforting to have her old friend , Fluffy , sleeping by her side . Some how the night did not seem as dark , the room as cold and lonely , nor the day as tiring when she could hear the soft purr of her gentle companion . Falling asleep alone is one of the hardest things to do when you 've lost a husband . Tossing on a pillowcase that is damp with your own tears when you 're somewhere between exhaustion and insomnia can be a very lonely place . Peggy fell asleep many nights talking over the events and problems of the day with Fluffy . Sometimes Peggy wondered if Fluffy missed Duke as much as she missed Ricky . Duke was a Lab who had joined the family long before the death of Peggy 's husband , Ricky . When Fluffy strayed into the family a few years later , Duke had acted all big and bad at first just to make sure he was still the Alpha dog . But soon Fluffy won his heart as well as Peggy 's . Duke 's death was a sharp contrast to his long , care - free life . At the very end , it was determined that Duke had cancer . " What a slap in the face , " Peggy thought . Ricky had died just the year before after a two - year battle with cancer . And now , Duke ! It didn 't seem right that this should be happening all over again . Peggy was grateful that he didn 't suffer as long as Ricky had battled the disease , and certainly it was not as bad as all the hospital stays and medical bills . But it still hurt to come home without Duke 's joyful welcome at the front door . Then Fluffy began to show troublesome signs of aging . Peggy noticed that she didn 't jump on the back of the sofa when the afternoon sun cast wispy shadows on the wall . Birds landing on the window sill outside didn 't seem to catch her eye quite as often , and she slept a lot more than usual . Peggy wanted to think that Fluffy was just getting old and maybe bored without Duke . But in her heart , she felt that familiar dread that maybe it was something more serious . When she came home from work and noticed that Fluffy had not eaten for the third day in a row , Peggy knew it was time to take her to the vet . Coming home without Fluffy was just as hard as loosing Duke . The vet said the kind and humane thing to do was to let her go peacefully without suffering the effects of feline leukemia any longer . The words " kind and humane " echoed in Peggy 's mind as she drove home alone . No one seemed to be worried about being kind or humane when it came to the pain that stabbed through Peggy 's heart like a jagged knife . How could God take every oneLord , when we hurt more than words can express , and all we have are tears and unanswered questions , please answer with your goodness and love . In Jesus ' name , Amen . Posted by My Little Samuel . " I sang this song to him over and again while we rocked ! Samuel means " Asked of God " - that is exactly what I had done . Just like Hannah asked for her son in I Samuel 1 : 10 , I had prayed for a child . God granted that gift with a wonderful 7 lb . 10 oz . baby boy - Samuel ! We had three and a half busy , happy years together before God took Samuel home to be with him . I felt such unimaginable grief , betrayal , anguish , abandonment , emptiness , injustice - " This can 't be - God didn 't really give me the desire of my heart only to take him back ! I didn 't have long enough , I needed more time ! " It was around midnight on a Saturday night when my life was changed forever - my little Samuel was gone tragically on Mother 's Day . The day began like so many others , as I was cooking breakfast while Samuel played upstairs in the playroom . I heard him crying and I ran upstairs . He was holding a place on his chest . There was no blood to indicate a serious injury , but I held him until he quit crying . There was nothing but a tiny red dot on his chest . He wanted to show Daddy and put a Winnie the Pooh band - aid on it . A small accident was an all - too - familiar scene in the life of a three year old boy . When the babysitter arrived , my husband and I went to work and all seemed well . When I got home from work , Samuel 's babysitter said he had not felt good after a long nap . She took his shirt off and showed me the place he had hurt that morning . The tiny red dot had swollen like a mosquito bite . We went out to dinner with some friends and Samuel was just not himself . He didn 't want to eat or play . At dinner , I noticed the place on his chest was bruising . Afterwards , we decided to take him to the emergency room just to make sure everything was okay . The nurse took his vital signs and he seemed to be fine although he did not want her to touch his chest . While we were going over the insurance information , my husband held Samuel in his arms . Suddenly , Samuel had a seizure that made his little body become stiff . The doctors and nurses were running everywhere . They made Ron put Samuel on a bed and immediately they ran us out of the room . The doctors and nurses worked on him for two hours trying to revive him . It was after midnight when the doctor told us there was nothing they could do . The doctor could not hide his own tears as he said that Samuel had bled internally all day . He said there was no way we could have known that anything was wrong . He said that he would not have even brought his own child in any sooner than we did . I later realized that it was Mother 's Day when Samuel was pronounced dead . I felt as though my world had stopped when Samuel died . Life became very dark . I felt like it was the end of my hopes , the end of my dreams , and the end of the world that I lived for . The reality that he was gone was more than I could bear . I thought of all the things I could never do again . I could never hold him again , rock him to sleep , kiss his tiny hurts , brush that baby fine hair , sing to him and teach him , watch cartoons or play outside , hear him call my name , see the sparkle in his eyes , comfort him when he was afraid , clean up his messes and pick up toys , wash his little clothes , give him a bath as he played with tub toys , sing with him while getting him dressed , praise him for " going potty , " or touch his soft skin , know his sweet love , go to birthday parties or day care , read bed time stories , or watch him participate in school programs . I thought about not seeing him grow through kindergarten , elementary and high school , play soccer , walk across the stage at graduation , go to college , or even marry and have a family of his own . My arms were empty , but even more the arms of my heart ached to hold him one more time - just once ! All that was left to remind us of Samuel were his toys and clothes , his room , his friends , his pictures , our memories , and his tiny hand - prints on the windows . I felt that all I really had left was the agony of empty arms . This was the first time I had ever felt disappointed in God , thinking He had not taken care of me . I had given my life to the Lord when I was 6 years old , so I had always been confident that God was in me and with me taking care of me . Although I felt disappointed in God , the truth is that He never said that life would be fair . I felt cheated because the plans I had for my life were not His plans . There were no answers for my tormenting questions . We never really knew what caused Samuel 's death . When I could no longer answer my questions about who I was any more , what was my purpose for living was now , God answered them for me . I felt that I was at the end of my rope when I read Romans 8 : 26 - 27 : In the same way , the Spirit helps us in our weakness . We do not know what we ought to pray for , but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express . And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit , because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God 's will . Indeed the Spirit had interceded for me when I was so emotionally exhausted that there were no words . Then I could finally say to God , " All that I am and all that is mine are Yours . " When I finally gave it all to Him , He began to renew my mind with His strength , His presence , compassion and grace . I had to be still and let Him overwhelm me with the reality that He is God . I had to be still and surrender my hopes and dreams to Him ! One year later , my Mom died after much suffering with cancer . I was numb from losing my baby and my Mama . Ironically , it was again on Mother 's Day - when I should have been celebrating with my Mom and being celebrated for being a Mom ! For me , it was gripping grief - nothing more . As time passed , I sought healing and yielded to God 's sovereignty . I learned to celebrate the little things , to praise God for His purposes and plans , to cherish the time with loved ones , to give them to God in my heart , to try to see people and situations through God 's eyes , to know when God needs me to be his messenger of hope and peace . No , it has not been easy ! But His mercies are new every morning ! Lord , through our greatest sorrow and pain , your Holy Spirit provides comfort . We cannot understand , but we can rest assured that you know our hearts . God , the Father of our Lord Jesus , sacrificed His only Son so that we might have eternal life and perfect healing in Heaven . Thank you for the life of this precious child , Samuel , and for the peace you gave to his mother - a peace that is beyond human understanding . In Jesus ' name , Amen . |
blog ( n . ) Short for Web log , a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual . Typically updated daily , blogs often reflect the personality of the author . ( v . ) To author a Web log . Other forms : Blogger ( a person who blogs ) . While we were sitting in our usual spot in the balcony at church , a little after the service started , we were pleasantly surprised by an old friend who showed up at church today ! Jodie and Emily Nuss were in town and it sure was nice seeing them and visiting with them . Gage was not very happy that his old buddy Ben was not with them ; however . Emily and Emma were pretty good buddies when they lived just on the next street over from us and they seemed to pick right up where they left off a couple of years ago when they moved away . After lunch Emily came over for a playdate with Emma and they played so nicely together . Since Ben wasn 't here for Gage to play with , we called his friend / classmate , Matthew , to come play as well . They all were very well behaved and it was a nice afternoon . Tonight was our first church league volleyball game at 6 : 30 . We were afraid that we were going to have to leave early because the kids both had baseball games tonight at 7 : 30 . There were only 4 of us there , so they beat us pretty quickly in the first 2 matches . We actually came back and won the 3rd match though , which was quite amazing ! A new member at our church signed up to play . She said she hadn 't played since college , and has never played on sand , so it might take a little while for her to get into the swing of things . Man , I was surprised at how wimpy I was to begin ! It took several rotations for me to even get my serve over the net ! My shoulder is a little sore tonight from the extra effort it took . It 's all about timing and we didn 't get a chance to warm up at all before the match . It was a good warm up for me though as my first adult sand volleyball league game is tomorrow night . I 'm glad I was able to get a little practice in before tomorrow . Although I 'll probably be so sore tomorrow that it won 't even matter ! Emma 's first t - ball game was tonight . It should almost be a crime as to how cute she looks in her uniform . LOL ! Tonight was the first time she has had it on since they tried them on when they distributed the uniform . ThePosted by I have never been very good at following through with allowances . I never have cash on hand , which makes it difficult to hand out at the end of the week . I keep telling myself I 'm going to get better at it , but it never seems to happen . The kids really aren 't that great at doing their chores faithfully either , so I guess it all works out in the end . This past week I started keeping a list of the different chores the kids do around the house and thought maybe that would work better for me to keep track of that way , and then I know how much I should pay them and I have an incentive to have some cash on hand . Today was payday . The kids had a few chores on the list that they did , Emma more than Gage , and I gave them each $ 1 . ( I know , I know . . . . . big whoop ! ) After I gave each of them their dollar , the next half hour went like this . Emma gets out her little zippered coin purse that Grandma Pipi sent her and decides to count all of her money . She has a whole $ 6 . 60 . Gage then goes to his room to get his wallet . He has $ 3 . Gage decides to get mad and pout about it . I told him I had the 6 cents he found in the parking lot the other day and gave it to him . He sighs and says , " That 's not enough ! " Apparently there is a toy he wants to buy that is $ 10 . I guess he thought that by sitting around and whining it would make me just want to hand out more money ? I told Gage that I would give him a little more money if he would clear his junk off of the table . He stomps off to his room . Emma starts clearing her stuff off the table , so I grab a few coins from my can and she adds it to her stash . She proceeded to clear Gage 's stuff off of the table too . Then she said that she had picked up dog poop in the backyard the other day and never got paid for it . I told her that if she went out there to pick it up again today I would give her some more money . She was having troubles finding the piles , so I had to go out and point them out to her . There were more than she thought there would be . She earned herself another dollar . She was thrilled . Posted by I woke up before Emma today if you can believe that ! Apparently Gage didn 't get her up like he has been all week to play computer games with him while Mom was still in bed ! LOL ! We ate a late breakfast . Emma wanted pancakes , so we had those . I thought that maybe if I could hold them off of eating breakfast until 10 or so , I could feed them brunch and then not have to fix anything until suppertime ? I 'm not sure that 's going to work . I just hate trying to come up with things to fix . I loved not having to fix lunch while they were at school . We went to the zoo around lunchtime and spent most of the afternoon there . We were there for at least 3 hours . We have never been there that long before . The weather was beautiful . Not too hot , not too cold . JUST RIGHT ! The kids were great and we had such a nice time . They had a special thing at the zoo today for College Savings . Governor Hoeven has declared 5 / 29 as North Dakota 's official College Savings day . LOL ! We have our 529 plans for the kids with College Savings Iowa , but I think we 're going to try to move them into North Dakota now that they have similar options available . Plus we can get some tax deductions having it in - state . I took tons of pictures at the zoo and have them all posted on Facebook . I 'm not going to take the time to upload them onto my blog . It takes 100 times longer to do it on blogger than it does on Facebook . They were having free hotdogs from 4 - 6p at the zoo but we couldn 't stick around that long . Around 3 : 15 the kids started smelling the hotdogs they had cooking and started to get really hungry since they hadn 't eaten anything ( except cotton candy ) since 10a . It was unanimous that we couldn 't wait until 4p for hotdogs so we left and got our own at the grocery store . It was at least a little more healthy since I bought wheat buns instead of the white that they would have gotten at the zoo . LOL . We didn 't win the $ 529 dollars they were giving away to put into a college savings plan . : - ( Maybe next year ? We had supper at 4 : 30 since the kids were so hungPosted by I can 't believe that May is almost over and that the year is close to being half over ! Where does the time go ? No syrup spills this morning . That is a much more pleasant way to start the day , syrup - free . Not too much happened today . I finally got my hair CHOPPED off ! I don 't know why I go through these spurts of trying to grow it out . It gets to a certain point to where I can 't stand it anymore . I think this is about the longest it 's been for about 12 or so years . Maybe more than that ? I decided to try and wear the kids out so we rode our bikes to get my hair cut . They were pooped by the time we got home . It was much easier going there because it was mostly downhill , so they got their workout on the ride home . They fought the whole way home too , which takes great talent when you 're biking in single file . We are headed to the zoo tomorrow . They are having some special Upromise prize drawing . The date , 5 / 29 , is significant . Our Upromise savings goes into 529 accounts . They are having a drawing for $ 529 dollars , and if won it will be added to any college savings account . I hope we win . I don 't know how many people know about , or participate in Upromise here . When I mention it to people , I always have to tell them what it is . Our odds could be favorable . We 'll see . Scott is busy with " The Duck Factory " throughout the weekend . I have no idea what that really is , except that there are a bunch of people here , major donors I think , that will get toured around and learn about ducks and the role North Dakota plays in their numbers . He has been quite busy the past few days preparing for it . Today when they were searching for nests , he accidentally ran over one . Emma asked Scott how he knew he ran over it and he said , " Well , when the hen flew out from under the ATV , that gave me a pretty good clue ! " LOL ! Since the hen wasn 't killed , she will more than likely lay another nest full of eggs . We have a baseball game tomorrow night and both Gage and Emma play on Sunday night , at the same time at different fields . I guess we 'll have tPosted by Usually when you hear , " Mom , we need help FAST ! " , first thing in the morning , it 's not a good sign . As I entered the kitchen I see Gage in the refrigerator with dry paper towels trying to sop up the syrup that is gushing out of the syrup bottle . The waffles are on the floor , the butter is on the floor and the handle to the syrup bottle is lying on the floor while syrup is dripping down the crisper drawers and onto the floor in front of the refrigerator as it gushes out of the holes where the handle used to be . UGH ! I did really well keeping my cool and I did not yell as Gage predicted I would . I told him next time it might be a better idea to leave the plate with waffles on the counter while you use both hands to bring the syrup to the counter . He agreed that might be the better way to do things . An hour or so later , Gage comes to me and says , " Mom , I know you 're going to be really mad at me and probably yell , but I need to show you something . " Apparently Gage doesn 't know that you can 't draw on a thin piece of paper with a black sharpie marker on the table without the marker seeping through onto the table . AAARRRRGGGHHH ! ! Believe it or not , I didn 't yell ! However , it was getting tougher and tougher as I went into the living room a few minutes later , only to find them with ANOTHER Sharpie marker and signing ( in cursive ) their names to the top of the antique school desk we have that Scott 's Dad refinished . AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH ! Gage said , " Well , Emma asked me to ! " Can I please go back to bed and get up on the other side and see if things get better ? It was a LONG day , needless to say . After lunch they were allowed to invite friends over to play and that was fine for awhile . Of course they all can 't get along with each other , so instead of refereeing 2 , I then had 4 . After Scott got home and we ate supper , we decided to go on a bike ride . Scott loaded the bikes onto the back of the car and we drove down to the bike trails by the zoo . We did some exploring on the paths and went underneath the interstate to the Riverside GoPosted by Day 1 of summer break went okay . Not great , but not a disaster either . I actually didn 't get out of my pajamas until late afternoon and that was only because I knew I was going to have to take either Gage or Emma to baseball practice . : - ) The kids were getting along fairly well for the most part today . There were a couple of spats , but it would be completely abnormal not to have at least 2 fights . They let me sleep in until 9 this morning ! They were watching a movie so nicely together I didn 't want to get up and mess it up , but I decided I best get my butt out of bed . This is when I get myself into trouble , when I sleep in . When I do that , typically I can 't go to bed at night . That 's when the vicious cycle starts and I get my sleep / wake pattern so messed up . I started doing a little organizing this past weekend and did a little more today . This past weekend my project was the linen closet in the upstairs hallway . I thew tons of stuff away . I decided there was no reason to continue holding on to things like diaper rash cream , baby lotion , etc . LOL ! I don 't know why I didn 't throw that stuff the last time I attempted to clean those cupboards out ? Today I started in the basement . My main goal is to get rid of toys that the kids don 't play with . That 's about everything in the basement . I suggested maybe having a garage sale and the kids were acting like they didn 't want to part with things . Then when they asked me if they could have the money for the things they sold , and I said yes , they were wanting to get rid of TONS of stuff ! We organized a bunch of stuff and is ready to be hauled out . I don 't know what I was thinking when I suggested a garage sale . I hate doing a garage sale . I 'd rather go to them than have one . I had pretty much convinced myself that we weren 't going to have one afterall , then Scott told me tonight Emma was VERY EXCITED about the garage sale we are going to have . UGH ! Now I 'm thinking that this might be a good thing for them to do , and I would make them be in charge of everything and figuring outPosted by We had a nice and quiet weekend . I was secretly hoping my Mom and Dad would show up on the front doorstep , but it didn 't happen . They mentioned doing that a little while back and thought maybe with the long holiday weekend , they would surprise us . Maybe next time ? I took Gage to the walk - in clinic yesterday . The doctor took one look at his enlarged , pussy tonsils and said she didn 't think she needed to do a strep test , because she was pretty sure that 's what he had . She said they test for one type of strep , so if that came up negative , it is still possible to have another type of strep and she wanted to get him started on some antibiotics . He took a loading dose yesterday and will take half that amount for the remainder of the 4 days . He 's already feeling better . I can tell because he 's fighting with his sister . This morning they were downstairs on the couch watching Bolt , a movie we rented from the video store , and they were laughing and laughing . That was so nice to hear . By the end of the day , they were fighting and fighting . Back to the old drawing board ! We went to a graduation reception today at our neighbors ' house . They had their open house from 10a - 1p . They served a brunch and it was such an awesome idea , I hope that I can remember it in 9 - 12 years when my kids are graduating from high school . They had ziploc freezer bags with either 2 or 3 beaten eggs in it . Then you were to add whatever fixings you wanted to make an omelet . They had diced ham into really small cubes , frozen hashbrowns , cheese , diced red , green and yellow bell peppers and diced onions . After you added your extras you were to take your baggie out to the guys who were making the omelets . They were using turkey fryers but with boiling water instead of oil . After the air was squeezed out of the baggie , they dropped it into the boiling water and in about 5 minutes or so , your omelet was cooked and ready to be emptied out onto your plate . Then they had watermelon and tiny little cinnamon rolls that they kept warm in a crockpot . Oh , and they hadPosted by I think my throat is now feeling a bit scratchy . UGH ! I pray that this isn 't another bout of strep throat . I think I 'd almost rather walk on nails versus swallow them ! Gage is still not feeling well today . He 's pretty much been on the couch all day and he 's not lasting the full 6 hours between Motrin doses . Scott picked up some chewable Tylenol for him so we can alternate that between the Motrin . I 'm asking everyone to please pray for my dear friend , Emily , and her family . Luke nearly drowned today in a swimming pool at a birthday party . He is doing okay THANK GOD ! I just talked to Emily and she is doing good and Lukey is talking and fully aware of what is going on . They are keeping him in the hospital overnight for observation and to check for any organ damage . They are pretty confident that there is no brain damage . THANK GOD for the man who jumped in and pulled Lukey off the bottom of the pool . THANK GOD for the nurses who performed CPR . THANK GOD for the ambulance crew . THANK GOD for the doctors and nurses caring for him at the hospital . THANK GOD for Emily and Jody for being so strong through all of this . We love you guys ! I guess I should have shut my eyes last night when I woke up to discover it was 10pm . I got up to make sure the kids were in their beds and to let Brie out one last time and to blog . I must have gotten my second wind because when I went back to bed I tossed and turned until about 2am . After I finally fell asleep , Gage came to my room around 3am , crying , telling me his throat hurt . Poor guy . I gave him some Motrin which seemed to get him through the rest of the night fine . He asked for more Motrin before we left for school because he wanted to be sure and feel good for the last day . I couldn 't let him miss out on the last day of school . They had plans to go on a picnic to end their week at " Camp Skeeter " . The entire 2nd grade walked to the McQuade Softball Complex where they had set up several different stations of activities . There were many parent volunteers there helping to run the stations and Scott was signed up to help at the freeze tag station . I just went along to take some pictures . It started sprinkling before we were done with the first session and the next station Gage 's class was at was the playground equipment and following that was lunch . It came down pretty good during lunch and it was decided after that that they should walk back to the school because it wasn 't safe to play in the rain . There was no thunder or lightning , so I 'm not sure what the big deal was . I suppose if someone slipped and got hurt on the wet grass , someone could be held liable ? Who knows ? It was fine with me though because I just went back to the library to help the ladies there finish things up . Around 1 : 30 or so Gage 's teacher called down to the library to tell me he wasn 't feeling well . I went to the classroom to get him and he said he didn 't want to miss the flag ceremony at 2 : 40 , so I just took him back down to the library with me where he sat in one of the rocker chairs and watched television . After a dose of Motrin , he said he was feeling a little better and wanted to go back to his classroom . It 's amazing what a little Posted by Man , I AM SHOT ! ! ! I 'm not sure when I 've ever been this tired before . I 'm just dragging and by the time the afternoon rolls around it 's all I can do to remain upright and keep my eyes open . I helped in the library again today . I love change and am excited every day to see how the library looks . I think we 're pretty close to being done with all we can do . The next step is construction . I also had to work in the lunchroom at Corpus Christi today . It 's obvious that the last day of school is near . All of the kids seem to be getting restless . Gage had an early baseball game tonight at 5 : 45 . Scott is out of town so he missed all of the fun . NOT ! I was a nervous wreck when I heard the coach announce that Gage would pitch in the 4th inning . UGH ! He is having a real hard time throwing the ball for some reason . I think he is trying to do the things everyone has been telling him to do and has combined them all to make a really bad throw . It seems as if he 's trying to throw the ball with his elbow glued to his side . If you can just imagine what that might look like , then imagine someone attempting to pitch like that . Not pretty ! He did throw 1 strike , and I 'd say 90 % of the other throws were either hitting the ground half way between the pitching mound and home plate , or going behind the batter . Thankfully he didn 't bean anyone ! Needless to say , he walked all but 1 player and I think that player hit the ball after it bounced off the ground . Thankfully they only allow 4 runs per inning or we never would have made it out alive . It was priceless ; however , to see Gage 's face when the coach called " STRIKE " on the one strike he did throw ! I 'm hoping this experience has convinced Gage that he needs to practice playing catch outside with his mother and father ! He struck out 2 times and then hit the ball on his final at - bat . He made it to first base and ended up scoring a run after a few more boys either hit the ball or walked . He was very excited about that and asked if he could call Dad as soon as we got home so he could tell him he Posted by This morning after I dropped the kids off at school I went down to the library to help do inventory . The library is in the process of being rearranged for a remodel and boy what a mess ! I know all about the need to mess up before you can clean up , so I felt right at home . I can 't remember exactly how many books are in the library . . . . . . . . . . . . I 'm thinking it is around 70 , 000 or so , and I 'll bet that I had my hands on at least half of them today . It was a busy day in the library and I was there from 8 : 30 - 3p , so it was a long one . I enjoyed lunch with Jan and Juanita at the China Garden as well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . my favorite place to eat ! We had t - ball and baseball practice tonight for Emma and Gage . Scott went one direction and I went the other . Emma is so cute out there on the ball field . Before practice started the kids were playing a little scrimmage and one of the parents was pitching to them . When it was Emma 's turn to bat I wasn 't sure how that was going to go . She hasn 't totally figured it out yet and I almost fell over when she swung at , AND HIT , the first pitch thrown ! It was a nice hit to shortstop too ! Not long after we got home from baseball , while I was catching a few minutes of Dancing with the Stars , I noticed Brie was acting weird . I thought she was about to puke so I had Scott take her outside . When they came back in Scott said he wasn 't sure what was wrong , but something weird was going on . We sat and watched her for awhile and she was having some weird , jerky , seizure - like movements . She was getting anxious and panting as well . She would stand up , jerk a little and then side - step to the right and kind of fall over . After about 15 minutes of this I called the vet . We had just increased her medication about 5 days ago that she takes for urinary incontinence and probably a week and a half ago she had her first heartworm pill of the season . The vet said to stop giving her the Proin ( for incontinence ) for now and to try to keep her quiet and see how she does , and she didn 't think it could be the heartworm Posted by This afternoon , after church , Scott got out the " Zip ' n Pro " for Gage to practice batting . That little thing is amazing and I wish I had invented it . It is a ball that has 2 long nylon ropes running through the center of it . One end connects to something stationary like a pole or something similar . The other end has 2 handles that someone holds onto . When the person holds the 2 handles and spreads their arms out to their side , the ball goes zipping down the ropes for a batter to hit . If they hit the ball , it just zips down the line back to the " pitcher " . It 's really pretty handy when you are surrounded by houses and people who don 't want their windows broken out by a baseball and you don 't have enough people to field the ball . Anyway , Gage was doing a little batting practice in the backyard this afternoon and I believe it paid off ! Tonight at his baseball game he hit the ball and got on first and actually batted in a run ! He was so thrilled you could see his smile all the way across the field . I almost started crying I was so happy for him ! He 's been a little frustrated as he has struck out every single time he 's been up to bat . I 'm hoping that this hit has given him the confidence he needs to continue hitting the ball . Unfortunately , Scott had to work this afternoon and into the evening and missed Gage 's first hit . Hopefully there will be plenty more of them for Scott to witness . This is our last week of school . This year has gone by so quickly . I can 't believe Gage is going to be a 3rd grader and Emma a 1st grader ! It seems unreal . I wish they would just stop growing and would stay little awhile longer . They just grow up too fast . There are a lot of fun things going on at school this week . Tomorrow the 2nd graders are going to Ft . Lincoln and Gage 's class is going to " Camp Skeeter " . They had to take in plain white t - shirts for this week , so I 'm guessing they 'll be tye - dyeing them . There was a permission slip sent home with the kids last week and a warning about how thick the woodticks are out at Ft . Lincoln . AppPosted by This morning when the alarm went off I got up and went downstairs to Emma cleaning off the table . It must be piled too high if it 's starting to bother my 6 year old ! : - ) She also picked Gage 's room up and made his bed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . now that I think about it , I should have taken advantage of that little cleaning bug she had going on . Emma 's last soccer game of the season was today . Actually the last 3 games of the season . Today was the soccer jamboree . It was supposed to get down to 26 degrees last night , so needless to say , it was still quite chilly this morning . Emma got dressed in her soccer gear and as we were getting ready to head out the door , I told her she actually should put a long sleeved shirt under her uniform shirt . She said she didn 't want to . I told her she needed to get a coat on then . She said she didn 't want to . I wasn 't in the mood to fight with her this morning and decided that maybe I should just let her learn her lesson . It is ALWAYS colder at the soccer field than anywhere else in Bismarck . Today was no different . Emma did grab a blanket that was in the back of the car , but I told her that wouldn 't do her alot of good when she was out playing . The wind was blowing and it was quite chilly . Emma is out on the soccer field in shorts and a short - sleeved t - shirt . Coach Theel comes up to her and says , " Emma , aren 't you cold without a coat on ? " I didn 't hear Emma 's response . I 'm thinking to myself that I 'm sure everyone must think she has a terrible mother . A little while later he comes up to Emma again and asks her if she has a coat to wear . I decided I better go tell him what the deal was . I walked over to him and said , " I 'm quite sure that I 'm up for Mother - of - the - Year award because Emma doesn 't have her coat ! " I explained to him that I thought maybe this would be a good day to learn a little lesson because I seem to ALWAYS have troubles with Emma and what she 's wearing . I typically bail her out because I don 't want her to be cold . I decided there was no bailing her out today and that she needed Posted by Scott took off work early to come home and get Gage so they could go to Tuttle and fish this weekend . There 's another guy and his son there too . So , Emma and I had the evening to ourselves . She voted to go eat at Subway and since I needed to run to Walmart for a couple of things , Subway was a convenient choice . I was SO PROUD of Emma . She didn 't beg me for anything at all ! On our way out of the store I said , " Emma , I am so proud of you for not begging for anything or throwing a fit ! " She said , " Well , I really wanted one of those bouncy balls but I knew you would say no , so I didn 't ask . " I thanked her and again told her I was very happy with her behavior and as we continued to walk to the car , an older lady overheard us and she told Emma that she did a great job ! ! I think Emma really liked that she said that to her . : - ) We had to stop at Hobby Lobby next and Emma showed me one thing she really liked , but put it away when I told her she couldn 't have it . On our way out of the store Emma said , " I did a good job not begging for things in there , didn 't I ! ? " YES EMMA ! You did a GREAT JOB ! It was actually an enjoyable outing with her ! She is also ASLEEP and didn 't get out of her bed one time to tell me anything ! I better take her temperature in the morning to make sure she 's not sick ! : - ) Emma has a soccer jamboree in the morning , her last games of this short spring season . I 'm not upset at all that the season was cut short due to the snow and flooding we had earlier this spring . I 'm hoping the wind will die down a bit so it won 't be so stinking cold in the morning . I think we 're supposed to have some nice weather for the weekend . Scott and Gage will actually get home later tomorrow , so they won 't be gone the whole weekend . I worked in the cafeteria at Corpus Christi again today . They were wild today . I think they must be getting antsy for the school year to be over . Only 5 more days . It was funny , one of the little boys asked me to come over to him so he could ask me a question . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ( oops ! I spoke tPosted by Yesterday I went on Emma 's class field trip to the zoo . It was cold and exhausting . Emma was so tired yesterday evening she was just laying around on the couch . We have had several late nights and they are catching up with her . Last night she would NOT go to sleep . We aren 't giving her the Melatonin all of the time since it 's use is somewhat controversial . I only give it to her when I foresee there being problems with her going to sleep . I did not see it last night . We got the kids to bed at 7pm and she was still awake at 9 : 30 , wanting to pack her backpack for the next day . I knew this morning was going to be rough . It wasn 't as bad as it could have been , but it wasn 't as smooth as it could have been either . I was scheduled to work today at Corpus Christi in the lunchroom and after her lunch period , I was on recess duty with another teacher . Before I had even made it out the door , Emma came back inside the school asking me if she could stay inside for recess . I told her that she needed to go outside . She said she was too cold . It was chilly , but it wasn 't THAT cold out ! If she could handle the cold and wind we had at the zoo yesterday , then today should have been a breeze . She was upset that I made her go back outside , so she stood around pouting . I told her that she would be warmer if she would not stand in the shade and then she went and sat on the end of the slide . She said it was warm there . Well , there were kids who wanted to play on the slide , so she was getting mad at them for running into her . I told her several times she needed to get up and she WOULD NOT listen to me . I know what I would do at home under those circumstances , but I wasn 't sure how to handle it at school . She was getting upset with the other kids because one accidentally pulled her hair when she was laying down on the slide and he ran into her . Once again I tried to get her to move , and told her I was going to go inside and get her teacher . The gal on recess duty with me wasn 't helping me much and said she would let me deal with it . That Posted by I 'll bet that you 're thinking this post is going to be about " saving the planet " or maybe even recycling . Guess again . Here is the " Before " shot of Gage " going green " . Gage talking it over with our hairdresser , Pam . We 're at the point of no return ! Gage thought that this was pretty cool . I think he 's pretending he 's going to be an astronaut ! Fifteen minutes under the hairdryer wasn 't quite as exciting as he thought it might be ! Time to wash so we can see what happened ! I think Pam will be sporting green fingers for awhile ! Hmmmm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it 's actually a pretty color of green ; however it would look better in our yard ! Gage and Emma look like Christmas together with their red and green hair ! It was actually feeling a little like Christmas this evening when it started SNOWING ! I should have taken a front picture as well , but for whatever reason , I didn 't even think of it . LOL ! I 'll get one tomorrow . I told Pam to be ready for a run of appointments with kids wanting their hair dyed green . By the way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it doesn 't wash out . My favorite daytime television show is called " The Dr . 's " . Actually , it 's the only show I watch on television during the day . I can 't wait until tomorrow 's episode . The entire show tomorrow is about Kayleigh Anne Freeman . I have been reading this blog about Kayleigh for quite some time . I 've been so faithful about reading it over the last year that I almost feel as if I know these people . When I saw the advertisements , it didn 't dawn on me that it was this family until it was over . Anyway , I just learned today that Kayleigh lost her battle and has gone to be with the Lord , but at the time of the taping , this hadn 't happened yet . The family has accumulated over $ 2 , 000 , 000 in hospital bill debt , and it just makes me so sad to know that they have all of this debt and no longer have their precious little girl to show for it . I can 't tell for sure by the advertisements , but it appears as if the family may be receiving quite a gift on the show tomorrow . I 'm certainly going to have to have my box of Kleenex ready . If you can , you should tune in and watch it . Apparently I 've been doing things all wrong here . Sunday morning the kids were up at 6 : 30 am and didn 't get to bed until almost 10p . They were so tired they fell right to sleep . I KNEW they were going to be a mess this morning and I let them sleep until 7 : 40 . They were still clearly tired when I woke them up , but we had a GREAT morning ! They were both so lethargic that they did just what I asked them to do WHEN I asked them to do it ! It was amazing ! They may not have learned a single thing in school today , but our morning went very smooth . LOL ! I worked at Corpus Christi today in the lunchroom and one of the ladies who works at the school and also works in the lunchroom and does playground duty asked me if something was wrong with Emma today because she was just kind of sitting off to herself on the playground and not being " herself " . I told her she was just exhausted from the long day yesterday . I felt so terrible about getting them to sleep so late last night , but I didn 't have much of a choice . It was another late night again tonight because Gage had another baseball game at 7 : 30 . Thankfully we finished earlier tonight than last night ! They still weren 't in bed until 9 : 30 though . Last night 's game was the first game of the season . I think they actually won the game by just a few runs . Gage played right field one inning , center field one inning and then left field one inning . They play 5 innings , but aren 't allowed to score more than 4 runs / inning . That 's a good rule at this age . The kids are doing all of the pitching which makes for a LONG , boring game . No one gets a whole lot of action . Gage batted twice last night and struck out both times . He swung at every pitch , good or not . He did much better tonight . He still struck out both times , but he was using a lighter bat and had a much better swing than last night . It was pretty ugly last night . I don 't think we won tonight , but the kids played a much better game . I was so excited about the fact that I can eat sunflower seeds this summer since I no longer have myPosted by As I was sitting upstairs on the couch with the kids , trying not to fall asleep , it dawned on me that I didn 't blog yesterday . As I logged onto my blog , I see that I haven 't blogged in 2 days ! Geez ! I didn 't even realize it . Yesterday we took our Cub Scout den and Daisy Scout troop on an Earth Day field trip . We had a total of 5 Scouts , so it was a manageable trip . It was so cold that there were even snow flurries while we were out ! We went to Ducks Unlimited 's Coteau Ranch , which is near Wing , ND , which isn 't too far from Tuttle . Anyway , we cleared out a ditch of logs from a tree that was cut down , dipped up aquatic insects , candled eggs from some mallard nests and Scott and the kids took a hike . We met at the school at 8am and caravanned to our destination . We were home around 2pm , so it was a long morning for me . I 've been so darned tired lately that I was pretty wiped out when we got home . It seemed like a long drive there and back and all I wanted to do was close my eyes on the drive back , but since I had 6 passengers in the car with me , I decided it would probably be a better idea to keep my eyes open , focused on the road . Our plan was to have lunch while we were there . When Scott was lighting the charcoals , it dawned on him that he forgot the hot dogs and brats at home in the refrigerator . UGH ! Thankfully one of the other Mom 's brought a package of hotdogs . Eight hotdogs for 12 people , hmmm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . how does that work ? One of the families insisted that they were needing to get on the road and said they would grab a bite when they got back to Bismarck , which left 1 hotdog each . That was enough with the chips and other stuff ; however . Now I have a gazillion hotdogs and brats in the fridge . Anyone wanna come over for a hotdog roast ? : - ) I had a nice Mother 's Day morning . The kids were up bright and early at 6 : 30 bringing me all kinds of things they made for me at school and at home . The special surprise was a Mother 's ring . I have been wanting one for a long time and I love it . After church we went outPosted by I get to work in the library tomorrow for Juanita and am excited about it . It would be more fun if both Juanita and Jan were there though . Next week I may possibly be working at the LMO ( Library Media Office ) for another gal who could get called in for Jury Duty . I went down there the other day to meet the ladies and see what it is I would be doing . I think I can handle most of it , but the part that I 'm a little scared of is answering the phone . That 's a tough job to do when you don 't know what 's going on and who people are . I may end up being more of a hindrance than help ! Maybe I 'll get lucky and the phone won 't ring . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or maybe she won 't be called to sit on the jury . It was a beautiful day out . The kids played outside most of the afternoon . At lunch time I was standing at the kitchen sink and saw a line of kids walking up the sidewalk on the other side of the street and then spotted Emma in the group . I ran to the front door to tell her hi . Scott was home for lunch at the time so she was excited to see us waving at her . Her " Phy Ed " class was taking a walk since the church was having a funeral today . It 's fun to see her doing things like that . She 's getting to be such a big girl ! Speaking of big girl , her ears are doing great . She is actually the one reminding me that her ears need to be cleaned . She tries to do it herself , but she basically just gets the front of her earring clean , instead of the actual hole , so I help . Only 2 more weeks of school left ! Gage was very excited yesterday after school because they have been incubating eggs in all of the 2nd grade classrooms ( they do it every year as part of the curriculum ) and one of the chicks hatched . This morning we went to school early so we could get some books from the book fair and asked Gage if he could take us to his classroom and show us the chicks . He was QUITE SURPRISED when we looked in the incubator and 6 more had hatched overnight ! There was one that had broken a hole in the shell and was still working on getting out . He said it was still Posted by May 5th was a busy day for us ! My Mom turned 67 today ( Happy Birthday Mom ! ) and Scott and I celebrated ( well , not really ) our 14th anniversary . I say not really , because we had a very busy evening with back - to - back - to - back activities . It all went well too ! We brought IsaBelle , one of Emma 's friends / fellow Daisy Scout , home from school with us so she could go with us to the Girl Scout event at Camp Neche . I had never been out there before . It is quite a ways south of town way back in the boonies . There was something dead in the trees I think , because there was quite a stench that just about made me sick . The girls made s ' mores , a craft , played BINGO and also attended a " Uniquely Me " talk . They made books about what makes them unique . They had fun doing that . We had to leave before it was completely over because Emma had soccer at 6 : 30 , and Gage had baseball at 6 : 30 . Scott met us in the Scheel 's parking lot on our way to soccer so he could take Gage to baseball . He handed me a sandwich from Quiznos and said " Here 's your anniversary supper ! Happy Anniversary ! " That was about all we saw of each other today until about 8 : 40 when Emma and I got home from baseball practice . I 'm glad today is over . I have been planning it out for a few days now to make it go as smoothly as possible . I had all of their gear for each activity in the car and made them sack lunches to eat while we drove out to Camp Neche . We rarely eat in the car so the kids seem to think that is some sort of treat when we do that . LOL ! I think the only think that saved me today was that I had everything planned out . I 'm exhausted and am going to go to bed . I 'm feeling a bit blue today . Not sure if it 's the weather or my kids . Maybe it 's both ? Today I went about my day , did all of the laundry , washed sheets and made beds . I was feeling good about accomplishing those things . At 3p when I went to pick up the kids from school it was raining . They rode their bikes this morning , so I had to walk to pick them up . The first thing Gage said to me when he saw me was , " Can I get my hair dyed green today ? " I told Gage that we could make an appointment . He immediately got angry and was just totally pissed off . Since we were still on the school grounds and the principal was standing right there , I had no choice except to tell Gage we needed to go home and started walking away . He pushed his bike along side me and continued to be upset and pout . I told him he had to have an appointment because when we checked the last time , they said they would need time to get the green dye in . Apparently no one keeps green hair dye on hand ? I wonder why ? ? ? ? Finally , it came out . Gage said , " Mom ! Alexandra got her hair dyed red and I 'm jealous ! I want to get it dyed TODAY ! " AAARGH ! What a nice start to our afternoon . We picked Emma up and had to bring another girl home with us today because her parents needed help getting her picked up due to meetings , etc . The argument continued ALL the way home . Finally , by the time we got to the house I was just about to blow up . We got inside and I told Gage that I thought it would be a good idea if he went to his room and he yells , " NO , I WILL NOT GO TO MY ROOM ! " OMG ! What do I do ? I can tell you what I wanted to do , but that wouldn 't be the best way to handle it . Gage is big enough now that I can 't carry him down to his room when he 's kicking and thrashing about . Finally , after he saw I meant business , he went to his room for awhile . That is always what he needs . . . . . . . . . to get away and have some quiet time and think about his behavior . A little later , while I was sitting on the couch folding clothes , he came back upstairs and apologized and asked me if I cPosted by I know , I know ! I said Emma wasn 't going to get her ears pierced . Well , she got her ears pierced . Today . Apparently somewhere along the lines , Scott misunderstood me saying Emma is NOT getting her ears pierced , and he told her last night that she could get them pierced today . Great . So Scott told her she could and now I 'm the bad guy . I don 't really care about " good guy / bad guy " status , but I honestly didn 't think I could take another day of CONSTANT begging to get her ears pierced . So , after her soccer game , we went to Claire 's to get her ears pierced . She was SO EXCITED ! I asked the gal working if she could please give Emma the spiel about how to take care of them , etc . etc . It means more coming from someone other than Mom . You know , Mom 's don 't know anything . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . yes , I will admit that I thought that at one time too , but come on , can 't we break that cycle somewhere ? I know now that my Mom is very smart and self - educated , according to my Dad . : - ) Love ya Mom ! Emma gets to hold Claire the Bear while set - up is taking place . Unfortunately today there was only one gal working , which meant that Emma would not be able to get her ears pierced simulaneously . I thought maybe that would be good , actually , so she knows that it is really important to take care of them because an infection would be SO MUCH WORSE ! Dad signing his life away so that Emma can get her ears pierced . Her " Free " ear piercing cost $ 39 . Hmmm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . false advertising ? We had to buy the earrings , you know ! You can see here that Emma doesn 't have the most pleasant look on her face . This is actually a picture of her 2nd ear getting pierced because I took video of the first one . I have been trying to get the video uploaded onto my blog but I have gotten error messages . I will try one more time before I log off , but if it doesn 't work , I did get it uploaded onto Facebook , so you can check it out there . I must admit that Emma looks pretty darned cute with her ears pierced . However , she looked pretty darned cute before they werStacy Emma had her second soccer game this morning . It was a breezy and chilly morning out there ! It 's always colder at that soccer complex than anywhere else in Bismarck . Hopefully the trees that are scheduled to be planted out there by the Boy Scouts , Cub Scouts and Girl Scouts will help with blocking that cold wind ! I don 't know what happened today , but our girls had circles run around them by the opposing team . I don 't know if that team is 1st graders or what but I 'm glad there is no score at this age . I think the score would have been 100 - 3 . Emma did score one of those 3 goals , thankfully . Those girls were REALLY good ! It wasn 't just one of them either , it was the entire team ! I don 't know if it is a certain school , or if the team was stacked or what , but they beat us BAD ! I had fun taking pictures though . I think I was in the right place with the sun behind me because I got several taken that turned out much better than usual . I 'm only posting a few on here . The rest are on Facebook if you want to check them out . Emma passes the ball to her teammate Lauren . Go Emma , Go ! Emma seemed to be hogging all of the kick ins . She apparently likes doing that . Emma played very hard and I think she was tired when it was over . We have a make - up game tomorrow at 12 : 30 , so hopefully it will be a little better game . Emma 's favorite part is snacks at the end . For whatever reason , they have 3 people each game bringing snacks , so there were plenty of them ! We had a busy day outside . We spent most of the afternoon outside raking the backyard . It desperately needed it and there is still more to do . I sure love our big trees out back , but I seem to have a love / hate relationship with them . I LOVE the shade they provide in the summer , but I HATE those stupid little seeds that drop from it . There are several million of those stupid assed things from 6 1 / 2 years of living here . I don 't know how to get them all cleaned up . They are the size of a pea and I 'm not kidding when I say several MILLION of them are laying in the backyard . They are wrPosted by Last week Gage brought home a birthday party invitation from his friend , Tyson . I can 't even tell you how many birthday parties these two kids have been to in the last few months , but it 's been ALOT ! Gage was pretty excited about Tyson 's party . They were going to celebrate at Space Aliens . The kids always love going to Space Aliens . In the invitation , it said that she would be taking the boys with her after school to Space Aliens and then parents were to come pick their children up at 6p . This was going to work out good for me , because I had signed up to help set up the book fair that will be taking place at school this week , so I was going to be doing that right after school . I asked Toby how she was going to take all the boys in her small car and she swore me to secrecy , and told me that she was renting a limousine to take the boys to Space Aliens . OMG ! I have never even been in a limo ! I knew the boys were just going to freak out when they found this out . I knew that this limo was going to be a HUGE issue with Emma . She would be with me helping to set up the book fair , so I knew it was going to be nearly impossible to keep this secret from her . I also wanted to get pictures of Gage getting into the limo , because it will be a LONG time before he ever gets to ride in one again ! When Emma and I got to the school I was so upset because I saw the limo parked and kids were already getting into it . I thought I missed it , until I discovered it was 6th grade girls getting into this limo . What are the chances of 2 limos arriving at Northridge to pick up different bunches of kids ? I was relieved when I discovered that and quickly took Emma into the school and down to the library . The book fair was being set up in the front lobby of the school , but I needed to get Emma completely out of the area to prevent the big blow up . Juanita , thankfully , agreed to watch Emma in the library for me while I ran back upstairs to get ready for pictures . The boys were gathered up in the lobby and Toby was with them and had them all ready Posted by |
You might remember the Poker Player . The one that postponed his flight for me and who I thought was the one , albeit for a little while . After six months of very occasional keeping in touch , he was back in the country . How did I find out ? Through Facebook . That 's right , he didn 't tell me . Imagine this . It was a Friday afternoon , I was bored at work and basically waiting for five o ' clock to hit so I could jump in my friend 's car and get over the foodtruck festival that was happening in my favorite city . On top of that ; it was a lovely summer day . As I was scrolling through my feed , I all of a sudden see a ' Poker Player is attending … ' Yup , he apparantly was in the country and planning on being there . I stared at it , then panicked . I had come to work without make - up , and my hair was tied up because I hadn 't washed it . I couldn 't possibly face him like that . And face him I would . The festival was in a small park where if you knew anyone , you 'd for sure run into them . After a quick , heated consult with my co - workers , I decided to jump into the showers at work and at least do my hair . My boss was in a meeting , and I had twenty minutes left . I don 't think I have ever been so fast , but at least I felt better about myself . On the way , in the car , finally , my friend nearly pissed herself when I told her . But lo and behold ; it only took fifteen minutes to spot him . My stomach sank . As much as I had wanted to see him , I realized he had never told me , so he didn 't care enough for me to know . But there he was , as hot as I remembered him , and I hadn 't washed my hair for nothing . I pointed him out to my friend , and then casually strolled over there , did a ' surprised ' double take , and asked him what the hell he was doing there . ( I deserve an Oscar for that ) . I immediately got a big hug and three kisses . He introduced himself to my friend , drank half my glass of wine and seemed genuinely pleased to see me . We chatted for a few minutes before his friends dragged him away , and that was that . No see you laters , nothing . My friend was ecstatic . She absolutely adored him . She doesn 't adore anyone . All through the night we 'd occasionally run into each other , squeeze an arm , or just smile . My friend added fire to the fuel by telling me he seemed so pleased to see me . On my way home , I texted him that this country might be a little too small , but that it 'd been nice to see him . He was slow to respond , but when he did he asked me to come to the bar with him and his friends . By that time I 'd reached home . Too little too late . Though the next day he asked if he could come by to ' see my house ' . I 'm not an idiot , but the prospect of spending a couple of hours with him seemed great . Living in the moment and stuff . The past had taught me not to expect anything from him , so I knew that this was all I 'd be getting . I could decline to protect myself , or I could just go with it and enjoy whatever time we 'd have . I chose the latter . He came , we talked about stuff big and small , mostly big as usual . He again started the talk on no relationships and what not . Old news , and I didn 't need warning . Once we started fooling around a bit , he suddenly got up and said he had a surprise . He took off his shirt , and said he 'd been working hard at the gym . It was adorkable , and I had to hold back a smile . I just appreciated the muscle instead . We spent the next few hours in bed , which was highly enjoyable , as usual . With one hiccup . In the heat of the moment , a split second before he 's about to enter me , he again announces that he has a surprise . My mind went blank . What the hell kind of surprise could you have , at that moment in time ? Well , this one : he had gotten tested and he was clean . I was a little flabbergasted , but told him I hadn 't tested in a while . He took the risk , with my approval . Truth be told , I haven 't had a man come inside me in a decade , because I 'm not on the pill . I had forgotten what it felt like . And what a mess it is . When he left , at the end of the afternoon , I watched him walk down the street , and accepted that he 'd be walking out of my life . I felt okay about it . The fact I went for drinks with a friend shortly after helped . He left for the US a few days later , the only contact we had was me texting him that my tests had gotten back okay . Fast forward to six weeks later ; he was back . I knew he 'd be as he has to fly through in order to go home . He always takes some time to visit family and friends . I didn 't want to text or call him , which he didn 't either and mildly irritated me . A few days after he returned , I saw him on a dating site . With a full copy of his passport . It was such an idiot thing to do that I messaged him to take it down . We spent the majority of the evening chatting . Things got pretty deep and personal , yet remained at the surface . Sounds weird , I know . He then said he would make time to come see me . He texted me two days later , while I was at a work dinner . I told him I wouldn 't be home before ten . He said that was fine and we 'd be in touch . Long story short ; he showed up at eleven thirty , just as I was about to lock the door and call it a night . I knew this was a booty call , but I wasn 't so impressed with that . We chatted for a little while , I showed him the house I bought ( of which he knew exactly where it is ) and he told me about his trip . Naturally we had sex . It was so good I tried ( and succeeded ) not to cry . For some reason that orgasm came with a release of some other stuff . Part of me knew that this would be it . It might be the last time I 'd ever see him , feel this way and knowing I 'd had to let go . He didn 't notice , it was dark and we didn 't speak . At one thirty in the morning , he looked at the clock and said he had to go . I asked if he was fucking kidding me . He came up with excuses about having to bring the car back and not being able to take out his contacts . I was pissed . To me , that was poor manners and disrespectful . We 'd know each other too long to be pulling that shit off . He left regardless . The next day I was still unamused , told him that and purposely let it escalate . For a friends with benefits arrangement , I need some kind of human , friendly , non - sexual contact to balance out the hooker feel . He wasn 't even telling me he 'd be leaving the next day . That 's how much he cared . While he understood my points , he stressed that he 'd been clear . He had , and that was not the issue at hand . We agreed to disagree . I told him that if he ever came back , it would to come from him , but that I was not going to run after him again . We said a temporary goodbye . And that 's the story of the Poker Player . I learned a thing or two from him . ( That at thirty two , I 'm too old to rely on morning after pills , for one ) . Yes , he 's full of himself , but there 's something about him that draws me in . It 's easy to get lost with him . But , after all that , I have not felt sad . Closing it off like that was a good thing . He 's back next month , and I intend on keeping my word . I have no desire to get in touch , but we 'll see how that goes when he 's physically here . I don 't think he 'll do it either , I gave him shit after all . At this point in time , I am alright with that . A year ago , I had thought he might be the one , but I was wrong . And that 's okay . Posted on August 16 , 2015 by Ella North I have struggled a bit ( a lot ) trying to find inspiration and motivation to blog again . Have you noticed ? I feel like lots happened , and nothing happened at the same time . It 's been five months since my last post , and while I never stopped dating completely , I did take it very easy . It 's been a summer of festivals , parties and there have barely been weekends that were not planned completely full . And , I 've bought a house in another city ! Especially that one feels huge to me . It ( I thought ) meant having to make a final decision between settling down and continue to travel the world . Only a few weeks ago I realized one does not cancel out the other . So I made a big commitment , but I feel like it will force a much needed change . The biggest reason I didn 't feel motivated to write was because nothing changed , and I felt like I had not progressed even a little . I am still single , got frustrated , disappointed and even upset all over again . I spent a lot of time thinking about the whole dating thing , all things I 've written about before here . My Facebook feed is flooded with engagements and marriages this summer . People flutter from one relationship to the next and I 'm still where I was five months ago . But sometimes , just sometimes I am quite pleased with that , especially when I remember to have fun with it . But a lot of times I get a little bummed , when I haven 't managed to overplan my weekends and I sit alone on a Friday night . I think we all know how that feels . FOMO , anyone ? During the heatwave this summer , I set up a date with swimming pool guy . He had a pool in his backyard . I saw possibilities , try and blame me . We went back and forth a bit and settled on a swimming date only a date later . Not in his pool , but we went to a lake close by . He came and picked me up by car which is something I normally wouldn 't do , but I could not muster the thought of riding my bicycle in the heat . We both brought stuff to fill a picknick basket , and off we went . We found a quiet spot , took off our clothes and jumped in . I didn 't really care getting in bikini on a first date . Conversation was easy , yet at times a little awkward . He wasn 't much of a talker . When we finally made out I found out he wasn 't a great kisser , but to be honest , I just wanted to get laid . So we got dressed , he got a good look , and I made him drive back to my house . We skipped etiquette , stumbled onto my balcony , and got naked pretty quickly . When he asked if I wanted to take my panties off myself or if he could rip them off , I told him to do it . I wasn 't wearing anything special . I was not disappointed , he was very rough about it . It didn 't take him long to figure out what turned me on . He put his hands around my neck , and there wasn 't much I wouldn 't let him do . We took it inside where he went all out . The fact that it was so freakishly hot added to the whole dirtiness of it . We were both drenched in sweat , not in the least place because we took hours . More specifically , he took hours . HOURS . And then he didn 't , and I was over it a little . It was three in the morning , and I had work the next day . He didn 't seem to mind much , we jumped in the shower , and he asked if he could stay . We had a quiet breakfast in the morning ( which I made him , why ? ! ) and then took off . When he texted me later , he said that he thought the sex was amazing , and fantastic and hot and he 'd like to see me again for that , but that he didn 't feel a spark . I told him I was fucking tired of people yakking about sparks . That I was sure he had enough ladies in his contact list to fuck , but that I wasn 't going to be one of them . I was tired of being good enough only to fuck , and at that point I didn 't want to be another fuckbuddy . Looking back now I could have kept him on , but I wasn 't in a good place . I didn 't want to do that anymore . So I 'm back again , continuing to be in good spirits I hope ! It feels like I 'm always talking to someone , one of these days it has to happen right ? I am leaving the best story for the next blog . I 've been super high and super low on that one , but it 's a long story . Posted on March 28 , 2015 by Ella North I 've been gone for a while ! ( If you noticed ) First because fuck all was happening , and later because my grandfather passed away . However , I 'd like to think I 'm back on track ! Nothing really happened over the past two months ; I went on one or two dates ( equally boring ) and I gave up on it for a little bit . When even your Tinder dies out , it 's time to cut your losses . That being said , last week I was ready to jump into it , and started off with two dates . Date number one was with an actor . I didn 't know of him , but when I googled him , he sure looked familiar . Turns out he won a few awards at Cannes last year , so there you go . It didn 't make me nervous , but I did wonder if I 'd be able to tell if he 'd be able to act his way through the date . We went for drinks , and had an overall pleasant evening . I was taken a little aback when he took a phone call , though he asked if it was okay and apologized later . It was one of those dates where you have no idea of the other person is into you . We have been in touch since , initiated by me , and when I asked if he was up for another one he said yes , but yet I haven 't heard back on his availability . Guess he wasn 't into it after all . The other one was with a potential new friend with benefits . I haven 't had one ( or sex ! ) for a while , so I opened up auditions . I had told him beforehand I 'd be on my period so the sex part would have to wait a bit , but he was fine with drinks . He was thirty - five minutes late . I had just finished my drink and was gathering my things to leave when he walked in . While he was apologetic , I felt a little bitchy about it . I 'll blame it on period hormones . Also , he smoked , and he was a little thinner than I usually preferred . It took me a while , but eventually I loosened up a bit , and we managed to have a nice evening . He paid the full bill and took me back all the way to the trains , so he was actually more of a gentleman than any other date I have been on lately . I am seeing him on Wednesday to see if he meets the high standards he 's set for himself ! Posted on January 12 , 2015 by Ella North And so here we have it ; another year spent single went by . So so many dates have come and gone I can 't even keep track . None of them have stuck . Well , for the long run that is . I 've met a few men that rocked my world for a little while , but nothing lasted . There 's been quite a few fellow bloggers that got engaged or even married , and in real life people are finding their soul mates left and right . Dating has never been easier with apps like Tinder , and yet , after a year of full on dating , I haven 't managed to find someone . As I told someone else earlier this week ; I am the only constant . There were men that were into me , I believe that I could have been settled by now and yet , I refuse anything less than a hundred percent . Maybe by the end of this year I 'll look at it differently , maybe I 'm looking in the wrong places . As for the regular updates ; I went on a second date with the guy I saw the day before New Year 's Eve . When I texted him to ask if he was interested , he jumped on it and wanted to see me the next day . That wasn 't gonna happen , so we settled on Sunday . After a lot of back and forth , I went to his place . I had proposed drinks , but all of a sudden he wanted a day date , wanted to come to my town but after I told him there 's nothing here on a Sunday , he said he had to be back home by nine anyway , and he just wanted to spend an afternoon cocooning . Alright then . I decided to go to his instead , for some reason I did not want him in my house yet . So off I went through the storm . When I got to his place he greeted me with a kiss , made me tea and made small talk . Like last time , he was very calm and quiet . I was a little disappointed , I 'd hoped he 'd be a bit more alive . We hung around on the couch for a bit , made out and he quickly wanted to move things to the bedroom . Literally within twenty minutes of me getting there . While I 'm happy to report the sex was a bit better , he still didn 't last very long . We got naked pretty quickly , and before I 'd even touched him he provided me with an orgasm with his fingers . I could tell he was ready to go but I wasn 't gonna have another super speedy session . But when I went down on him , I literally bobbed up and down twice , maybe thrice before he told me to stop or he would come . I obliged , stalled him a little longer , but then he made an attempt to go for it without condom . That wasn 't happening . He got the message , found one , and did me in missionary until he came , which didn 't take very long and happened in silence . It wasn 't weird , or particularly bad , but I like my men a bit more active , a little less vanilla and to last a bit longer . I don 't know if he takes a long time getting used to someone , or if this is as good as it gets . He went to prepare dinner , and I took a long time dressing . I wasn 't quite sure how I felt . Yes I knew what he 'd wanted , but it was the first time I didn 't really feel good about it . Was this really what I wanted ? When I got myself together he was cooking , and I finished my tea , which was ( mind you ) still warm . Lukewarm , but still . He didn 't say much . I didn 't say much . It wasn 't terribly awkward , it was more a calm , serene thing and he might be the type that doesn 't mind sharing his personal space . It was like we 'd been married for ten years . And so we had dinner , I helped him pick up a lamp for his bedroom , and he wanted to watch a movie , some action flick I wasn 't really interested in , but okay . I wondered if I should leave . I didn 't . I waited until the end . We had a glass of wine , and he still wasn 't very talkative . I 've never had such a weird date . He 's attractive , has his shit together , I 'm sure he 's got plenty stuff to talk about , but whenever we talked , his answers weren 't very elaborate , and not getting anything in return , you kind of give up . I finished my wine and told him I was gonna go . He saw me out with a kiss , and I left pretty abruptly . On my way home I couldn 't help myself but text him I hoped for his travel buddies he was gonna be a bit more talkative , or if he reserved that just for me . He texted back the next day saying sorry , he had been tired , and had had a really good time . Really ? doesn 't take a lot more than sex I guess . He 's gone on a skiing trip now , and I hope he gets over that fatigue of him . Weird shit . On New Year 's eve , I went clubbing with a few girlfriends . Nothing interesting there , but I did receive a few texts from the poker player . During the day where he wanted to say happy new year and we had a little catch up , and then he texted me in the middle of the night , calling me hot stuff and all . Kinda made my night , how pathetic . Also , Couch guy asked to go on a second date . I told him I 'd be busy for a few weeks and would have to let him know . Really don 't know about him , and I 'd say I 've had my fair share of weirdness . I 've got a few more dates lined up this week and so help me God I am telling myself sex is not an option . Though , the fact I closed and started the year sex wise with the same guy , should hopefully be a good omen . Or something . Posted on January 4 , 2015 by Ella North I had been meaning to write a final post before the year ended , but the truth is I spent the last two weeks either drunk or hungover . I don 't work between Christmas and New Year 's , so naturally it was spent socializing . I 'm paying the price for it today ! Sick and back to work tomorrow . Anyway . I normally write one post per date , but wanting to wrap it up I will include all three I had over the last fourteen days . The first date I had was with a guy from Tinder ( of course ) . We met for drinks and got along fairly well , and while he ticked all my physical appearance boxes , hipster beard , undercut , tall , I hated his smile . That sounds terrible , but when he smiled , he looked like a six year old boy . He was much more attractive when he put his serious face on . He 'd been married at the age of twenty five and divorced by twenty eight , and has a history of depression . All things I could live with , though the depression part would worry me . It was getting pretty late , and he said I could sleep on his couch if need be . The prospect of sex still sounded pretty good to me , so I agreed . When we got to his place , I was thoroughly impressed . He lived right downtown but away from the noise , and had a very stylish masculine apartment . Very industrial , but with a few cool touches like a rope swing in the living room . Impeccable taste . And then he said ' I will go get a pillow and covers for you . ' I stood there , utterly flabbergasted . What guy lets a women he brings home sleep on the couch ? ! When he got back into the room , he looked at me and kind of seemed at loss for what to do or say . But by that point , I was angry and done . I have an excellent , expensive bed at home and somehow I got suck on this guy 's couch . I told him to go to sleep , got out my phone and ignored him . He left . I typed out the story to my friend so she 'd have something fun to read when she 'd wake up , and I settled on the couch . Then ten minutes later , he comes back into the room , scurries around , grabs my coat and goes to the balcony to smoke . I pretended to be asleep . He 'd missed his window of opportunity . Before I fell asleep , I decided to sneak out in the morning . When I woke up at nine , he was still sound asleep in the bedroom . But when I picked up my phone , I saw he had sent me a message saying he 'd had a good time half an hour after we 'd gone to sleep . I mean . for fuck 's sake . He 's sleeping ten meters away in the other room and he sent me a fucDate number two was with a musician , one that actually looked like my musician ex as well . He came to my town for drinks and when I saw him , I thought he was alright , but another one of those too sweet . The night was alright , he ended up missing his train so came home with me . We were both ridiculously drunk . As in when we got home , we had to sit on the floor and try to drink water . We tried to have sex . As in , he tried , but had had too much to drink to get it up . He did a stellar job in sixty - nine so I 'll forgive him for it , but the next morning I wanted him to leave . He told me what a great time he 'd had about four times . Don 't like that . I 'm not here to validate you . Also , once is enough . It creeps me out . Thankfully he left at nine , texted me again to say the same thing and did it again on Tinder ( ! ) the next day . I let him down gently a few days later . Date number three was on the day before New Year 's eve . It was a spontaneous one , I was being challenged on my being impulsive , so I had to prove it . I went to his city for drinks , and when I walked in I was relieved that this one was finally attractive to me . He seemed to be a bit awkward in the beginning , but he had a good smile and was eloquent . We went on to the next bar , and I found out he lives in one of the fanciest areas , has paid off his apartment in full , has quit his job and money wise , is able to sit on his ass for the next year . He 's thirty two . I was impressed . As the night went on , I caught him on a few yawns . After about an hour of that , I told him I was gonna go home . Either he was tired or bored . He was tired , but promised to switch to water because he didn 't want me to go . So we had a few more drinks , and eventually went home . We hadn 't even made out . His apartment was huge . And fancy . He gave me champagne . Eventually we made out on the couch and took it to the bedroom . We fooled around for a bit and before I knew it , he 'd put on a condom . Not even sure if he was fully hard but before I knew it , it was over . I think it lasted shorter than ten minutes . He took care of me afterwards , but I was a little surprised , though I hid it . I hope the alcohol was to blame , and I also thought I smelled a hint of weed on his beard . We fell asleep , or he did , and I found out he 's the cuddling kind . Yay . The next morning I made the mistake of going to the bathroom and when I came back , he was dressing . No morning sex . Crap . It was a little awkward , so I didn 't stay for breakfast , though we 've been texting a bit , so he might be a little interested . I might go and find out this week . And then let 's not forget about my poker player . He 's still on my mind . A lot . We texted a bit two weeks ago , I asked him how his move was going , he replied with a photo essay including a photo of his dad . I should probably , at some point , tell him he 's on my mind . Just casual like that . I 'd like him to come back , I want to see him again . I want to know if he thinks of me . Posted on December 21 , 2014 by Ella North So I 've taken a while to give you an update on the poker player I 've had such a fantastic first date with . In a way I was hoping to write something conclusive . But ; off we go . When he texted me the day after our date , I took it as a sign of interest , and I was quite pleased . The next few days we went back and forth and I quite quickly asked him if he wanted to go out again before he 'd go home . I was under the impression he 'd leave pretty soon , so I felt like I had to act pretty quickly . He said yes , he 'd like to see mee again , but that he would have to let me know . He was in a tournament he didn 't know how long would last , and he 'd have to visit friends and family . All valid reasons . We kept in touch , his tournament ended after four days ( or ; he bombed ) , he went off to see his family , and things went quiet for a bit . I messaged him a few days later , to which he replied saying he had been thinking about me . I might have blushed . But then we somehow steered back to Tinder , and he told me he had two more dates lined up this week . Thank God I wasn 't ignorant enough to confirm with him that I was one , though I did think that for a few moments . It stung a little . After his first date that week , he messaged me that he liked me better . I asked him if he was going to have time left to see mee . And I got ' I think I have unconsciously been delaying going home because I want to see you again . ' I melted . We settled on a dinner date for Saturday . He came to pick me up from the train station again , gave me a kiss , and off we went . Before dinner , we went to have a drink first . It was easy , simple and just like last time . I was happy to be with him , and it was so comfortable I wondered if this was what it should always supposed to be like . He was hungry for steak and so we went to a tiny little restaurant . He took my hands across the table to warm them . I had been meaning to ask him things . Like why he was dating in a country he wasn 't in most of the time . Or if I should attach any meaning to the fact he had been delaying his flight for me . Because of some of the things he 'd said while texting I wanted to find out if there was some sort of interest there . But before we got there , the check came and the moment was gone . We did get to me telling him nine out of ten times I would go home at the end of the date . Not necessarily true , but I pointed out I had to like someone in order to do that . He said he liked that . And then we had to leave . A missed opportunity on my end , but at the same time I had to keep reminding myself this was only date two . In real life , you don 't have those conversations at that point . Out on the street , he grabbed my hand , pulled me in and kissed me . A tourist passed by and told us to get a room , making us laugh . We decided to go back to the same neighborhood we went to last time , even though it was a bit far away . So off we went , hand in hand like a regular couple on the lookout for cozy cafe 's . We found one , sat close together and talked . After two drinks , we left and repeated somewhere else . Every now and then we 'd stop and make out a little . Shortly after midnight he wrapped his arm around me , said he knew a great place , namely his house , and off we went . We shared a cup of tea to warm up , which of course quickly led to a making out and undressing session in front of the windows . He tried to carry me to the bedroom but gave up when he hit his head on the lamp . He dropped an ' is this all for me ? ' again , which makes me think he either says that to everyone , or he was genuinely happy . Anyway , the sex was good , he 's seriously packing , but I don 't think he realizes . We fell asleep afterwards , perfectly content . Previously , he 'd already told me we 'd have to get up early as the house owner would be coming home and he didn 't really like visitors . I 'd been hoping this person would change their mind , or poker player would forget , but unfortunately no . However , he 'd been keeping an eye on it to make sure there 'd be time for sex left . It was lazy , slow morning sex , in which his orgasm was perfectly timed with the alarm clock . We laid there for a while while his fingers were running up and down my back . I couldn 't help myself and told him it was a shame he 'd have to go back , to which he didn 't really respond . That took away any courage I had about asking him when he 'd be back . We had a quick breakfast together , after which I left at about nine thirty . The goodbye was like last time , with a kiss and a bye . That night , I texted him I 'd had a great time , enjoyed seeing him again and that it was a bummer he was leaving . ( After we 'd set our date , he 'd bought his ticket for the day after ) . He said ' Yeah it was ! But all good things come to an end . ' I stared at it for a while . Really ? I asked if I should be taking that literally . No , he didn 't mean it like that , but he did have to do some thinking when it came to women . He wasn 't sure what he wanted . Fair enough . Knowing he just came out of a relationship , would be moving out of their shared house once he got back and considering we 'd only had two dates , what was there for claim for me ? I wished him a safe journey , best of luck moving and all , and told him to keep on touch . And when he made his way back over here and had done some thinking , who knew ? It sounded like a good plan to him . I won 't lie and say I shed a tear . Dating for me never comes easy in the sense that either I don 't like them , or I do like them and they 're not into me , but that 's usually clear from the beginning and I 'm not in the dark . This time , I 'm very into him , and there is no denying there was mutual chemistry . There was . I know it , and not only because he told me , and not only because of that postponed flight . There was something there . And maybe the timing wasn 't right . Maybe he does need to do some soul searching . Maybe I 've confused him and he wasn 't expecting this . Maybe none of this all and I 've fallen for it , hard . There is something about this man that makes me feel completely at ease . I haven 't felt this way in a long time and it 's scary . Not in the least because ever since he got back , I didn 't hear from him . So last night , I sent him a message . Told him the city was a bit less exciting , and hoped he 'd get the sunny Christmas he wanted . He replied almost immediately . That yes , that had been a good time . Insert smiley heart emoticon . Then sent me a photo of his dad who was helping him move and gave me an update on how the move was going with pictures . If anything I might be back in his mind , and when the dust settles in his end we 'll see what happens . I 'll send him a reminder of my existence every now and then . Had he lived here , the situation would have been different and easier . We 'd continue dating and just see what 'd happen . Because he lives relatively far away , that 't not an option . It made me feel like I had to force something , because what sane man would hang on to two dates ? What is there to explore through whatsapp ? You can 't build anything this way . That makes me anxious . I thought I would take a bit of a break from the dating thing , which is what I usually do when someone managed to confuse me . I am not going to put all my money on poker player , reality is that the chance anything is going to happen there are slim . But the door isn 't shut . Not yet . Let 's call him the poker player . We matched on Tinder last Friday , which I was super happy about , because he 's hot . I sent him a short ' yay ! ' message , and we chatted for a bit that night . Then on Saturday afternoon , he asked if I wanted to come over and drink wine in a nice cafe . I wanted to . But I already had another date with a guy from OKC set up . He told me to cancel , because he was much more fun . I told him I 'd need a really good reason , because that 'd be awful for my karma . He said he 'd love to stare into my eyes over wine and have a wander through the dark city . And I thought ; ' what the hell . ' So I cancelled my date , and agreed to meet him . He came to meet me at the train station , and when I saw him , I got even more excited . I think he felt the same , he grabbed me , planted three kisses on me , and off we went . We went to a tiny little cafe , and never stopped talking until two in the morning . He 's a professional poker player , and does so well he doesn 't live in this country but on a sunny island somewhere ( not too far ) for tax purposes , though he 's here often . We connected on so many things , yoga , meditation , our views on life and relationship . He radiated such calm and was so down to earth I never wanted to leave . The only thing , and I knew this since I had looked him up , is that he 's barely out of a long relationship . He 's been together ( engaged even ) for nine years , and only split six weeks ago . I also saw the message on Facebook , in which he said there were no fights , it was a mutual decision that after so many years they had to face the fact they were not meant to be . They 'd always be friends and all that . Very mature . When he talked about it that evening , he was very mature and calm about it . Nine years is a long time , though that kind of decision isn 't usually made overnight . Before meeting , he had told me he was dating , and whatever happened , happened , but he might be rebounding for all I know . That 'd make the most sense . I am tempted to believe him , there was something different about him . Anyway , when one o ' clock rolled around and he wanted to go get another drink I told him that I would love to stay , but that if he didn 't feel like being responsible for a place to stay for me , I would have to think about my trains home . He wanted me to stay . A little voice in the back of my mind told me that maybe I should go home if I liked him , I might get hurt , but as usual , I ignored it . We finished our drink , and off we went . We walked to his friend 's place , where he stays , and he stopped me on a bridge to kiss me . There we were , in the middle of the night , kissing on a bridge . It was awesome . When we got into the apartment building , he noticed there was a roof terrace . We got a bottle of wine from the house , some cheese , and went back up . We drank wine , had some cheese , he sang to me . We kissed some more . At one point , he just looked at me and said ' is this all for me ? ' Very smooth . At one point , he mentioned that this town seemed like a much better place to be , all of a sudden . Once inside , we sat on the couch , he put music on , and started making out . Obviously that pretty quickly turned into lots of nakedness . And good , good sex . He was hung , and circumcised ( which is rare here ) . After that , we moved into his bedroom , cuddled , talked some more and after a while , he was ready again . By the time we went to sleep , it was five in the morning . But when I had to get up to go to the bedroom a little later , I noticed I had bled a little on the sheets . Fuck . I had just come off my period , so that wasn 't it . This was the second time this happened . Once I discovered that , I lay there stressing out for a good hour . Was I going to tell him ? Was I not and be surprised when we saw it ? Was I gonna bleed more ? Should I sleep on my back ? And , how would he react ? Eventually , I did fall asleep , and we slept until noon . Nothing happened . He woke me up massaging my back . Seriously . One thing led to another , and we had slow morning sex . Once he pulled back the sheets , he saw the stain , saw my face ( I was still mortified ) , shrugged and said ' we made a mess ' . And proceeded to make out . After he came , we laid there forever . He said he 'd come so good and was so relaxed he was tingling and seeing purple stars . We stayed in bed , I was on his chest , and he 'd kiss my hair every now and then . When we did get up , he made us breakfast , we ate it half naked and it wasn 't awkward at all . He put his sheets in the washing machine , set up his computers to work later , and we left the house together . I was going home , he was going to get groceries . So we had to say goodbye on the corner of the street . He gave me three kisses on the cheek , a peck on the lips , said ' great date ' , and then ' bye . ' and turned around and left . I was a little taken aback by the abruptness of it . No ' see you next time ' , or ' we 'll be in touch . ' I went home wondering if he was just very good at the game , if I looked differently in daylight , or if he just doesn 't do goodbyes . Once home , I contemplated a plan of attack . I wouldn 't text him yet , I would give him time . I don 't think that after a serious relationship like he had , he wants to be crowded by someone wanting all sorts of things from him after a first date . So I talked it over with my friend , and went to bed , feeling a little weird about it . The goodbye was in such contrast to the date , and rather anticlimactic . But when I woke up this morning , I woke up to a message from him . A nice one , too . He nicknamed me , said he had had a great date , then some about his Sunday , and a have a good workweek for me , ending with an x . We went back and forth a bit , I asked if the sheet got clean ( it did ) and that 's it for now . I don 't want to be on his case , I want to give him space . At the same time , I think he goes back to his island home some time next week , so I do plan on asking him to see if he 'd like to meet up again before he goes . The distance thing doesn 't bother me , but the relationship is a bit tricky . He is most likely not ready for anything at all . And here I am , feeling like this after only one date , and that never happens . It 's very likely I am going to get hurt . We will see how this goes ; I am trying to manage my expectations and hope , though I really , really like this one . |
Name : Fermius Firefly Location : San Marcos , United States Fermius is a pen name drawn from a series of short fiction I wrote when I published the small press magazine Stellanova ( on paper . ) I play RPG games to escape from my daily grind as a technology wage slave for the state of California . I eat out a lot in order to do my part in supporting our increasingly service level economy . I am butler to 2 feline masters . If you ask them they will tell you I 'm not very good at it , late with dinner , don 't have enough hands with brushes in them , and sometimes I even lock them out of their office . I dreamed I was moving into a new home on a low hillside overlooking the ocean . The unpacking was a little chaotic as J and her family were there helping , as well as L and a couple of other folks including my brother and his wife . We were unpacking one of my parent 's dressers when we discovered that it didn 't sit very even . I opened up the top and we discovered an entire sewing machine cabinet , disassembled , stored under the top shelf . It was something my brother had inherited , but we 'd not found it at the time . Of course we took a break to assemble it and my brother decided that he wanted it . We had to disassemble it so we could ship it to Virginia . J was in a little bit of a mood as the kids were wildly running around discovering all the neat features of the house . Her son , however , thought it was because this was our fourth anniversary . I tried to point out to him that we hadn 't been dating in almost two years , so that seemed unlikely ( and it was the Sunday , not Friday before Thanksgiving , so there were still a few days left even if that were the problem . ) All the while we were working , the light kept growing dimmer until I looked out over the bay and saw huge cloud wall , churning gray and green and full of lightning . A waterspout headed right for our little beach . I yelled at the people outside to hurry and get into the house . When they asked why I pointed out to the waterspout , and that got them moving . Several strangers also ran towards the house , then looked confused about what to do then , as they were sort of trapped against our sea wall . My brother and I helped them up over the wall and shooed them into the house . I was being pelted with water and small fishes as I ran into the house and pulled the french doors shut behind me . " There 's a box of towels in the back bathroom , bring them all . " The group of people from the beach were all trying not to drip on the carpet , so were all huddled in the six by nine tile space right in front of the doors . This room had indoor / outdoor carpet , though , and was meant toposted by Fermius Firefly | 11 : 50 AM The ready room was empty , or at least it looked empty . There were no signs of habitation either , no half finished drinks on the table , no tins of cookies , no clothes draped over the backs of chairs . The room felt used , busy even , but there was no visual sign of it , until the siren went off . Doors flew open and pilots appeared from no where , translucent forms in uniforms from different countries and eras , but all with the same unmistakable air of people about to enter a fight for their lives . In space , the squadron formed up and the briefing was short and sweet . Avoid the interceptors , and take out the lances and torpedo boats before they exited the transfer orbit of Jupiter . Our ships lurched under ghost thrust and we went with them . We engaged the invaders at impossible speeds , outside of time , wedded to fibre - optic synapses and finely honed machinery that spit iridium death at an enemy that didn 't know fear , and little knew defeat . every encounter was a split second , magnified by our ghostlike condition to feel like several minutes . No living being could survive the speeds and energies needed to wage this sort of war , but no machine was trusted to do it alone . Our sortie was successful , but there were a few losses on our side . Back in the barracks , the beds of the lost pilots shimmered and the pilots woke back to their previous selves , mind and flesh re - united , limited , unable to rejoin the fight , the transformation was a one time deal , no one came back from a second tour , the body and mind re - union just failed . No one knew where the spirit went from there , as none had returned to tell from the second journey . Almost every pilot volunteered to go back in , even though it was certain death . So the decision was taken out of their hands , they were rotated out of service , placed in command of local defenses or in ships of the line where they could interface live rather than the ghost link . It was fast , and their experience made them invaluable , but it wasn 't the same as pouncing intruders from a ghost ship at faster | I was walking with a couple of friends of mine , off campus . A carnival had been set up on the lot of a former strip mall . Years earlier the owner demolished the mall and graded the property , preparatory to new construction . Funds fell through , so the graded lot was fenced and forgotten , ( except by the local LARPers . ) As we walked through the carnival , noticing that it was very poorly attended , we came across a sexy woman who we thought was one of the Carnival performers . She was incredibly sour about that , as she was a witch of some great renown , or infamy , at least by her own admission . She was tired , and it seemed to amuse her that we were still treating her politely , even after her revelation . She strolled along with us for a time , finally stopping outside an alleyway between rows of red and white , striped carnival booths . " This alley is haunted . if you proceed you will be forever changed . Or dead , your decision . " The witch pondered . " No , this is what happened to me . " With that she reached out and took our friend by the hand . They raced together down the alley between the fabric walls and vanished almost faster then the eye could follow into the tent at the end of the row . All right , I could definitely credit that to magic . My friend and I looked at one another , then nodded as if in accord . I raced down the alleyway , making it past two tents before I realized the sound of my friend 's footsteps were heading in the opposite direction . I turned to shout at him to stop dicking around , but he was completely out of sight . " Friends abandoned you , did they . " I turned around to see who was talking to me , but there was only an empty suit of armor hanging from a rack . It creaked . I moved closer , fully willing to believe it was haunted . It reached for where the hilt of its sword would be , then pantomimed swinging it at me . " I think the city made the carnival surrender or store all of the customer accessible weapons . " I had remembered reading that in the local news . " She 's not my witch ! " the suit of armor seemed to pause , thinking , not sure how I could tell that . " Granted . " I approached , and the armor stopped swinging . I couldn 't budge it , though . I looked at the armor , there was a ring welded onto the back of the breast plate , the whole thing hung from a hook on the rack . It was far heavier than it looked . " Perhaps if I could take the armor down a part at a time and then put it together on the ground . " I took a look at the right boot and shin guards , I found how they were tied together and unlaced them . So far so good . I pulled them off , and though there was no sight of it , it felt like there was a person in the suit . Everything was good until the armor cleared the foot . There was a banshee wail and the armor , except for the piece I held started flailing around . I reached out until I found the spirit 's kicking bare foot and slammed the boot back on , then tied it back in place . " Sorry about that . " " Granted , " the spirit said quickly . I felt a tingle and tried lifting the armor off of it 's hook . It seemed much smaller than the first time I 'd tried , and though it was a little bit of a struggle , I was able to rock the armor off the hook and then gently set it down on its feet . It tottered , the leg we 'd taken the boot off of seemed to wobble and buckle oddly under it . I reached down and pulled the suit upright from the ring on its back until it could get its feet under it . That was when I noticed that my big floppy flannel shirt was tight around my arms , and the end of the sleeve was just below my elbow . I looked down at myself . My baggy cargo pants were now more like the length of board shorts , and strained at the seams . My flip flops only covered two thirds of my foot , like I was wearing kid 's sized sandals . " You have to be very strong to put me down whole . " The suit of armor laughed . " Good thing I didn 't have my sword , who knows what you would have turned into then . " The armor limped up the alleyway , all the while regaining control of the leg , and every time I noted an improvement in the spirit 's strength and mobility , I seemed to grow . We reached the end of the alleyway and entered the tent , I had to duck down to go through the flap . The witch was gone , nothing but her clothing left in the middle of the floor . My friend was there , her eyes newly shining with power . The armored ghost flew at her . I managed to grab him by the right foot and pull him back . " Just because I have her powers , doesn 't suddenly make me her . " She looked at me with a quirky smile , one I 'd only seen her give her future conquests . It made me a little uneasy . She looked at both of us . " Mental strength is also part of being strong . Your test isn 't finished yet , but I need to go if I am to keep everything under my own control . Meet me at the hot springs . Bring a suit . . . " she looked me up and down , and I swear she licked her lips , it made me uneasy , that look , again , " or don 't . " With that , she vanished . The armor wailed in frustration , then hung limp . The visor turned to glare at me . " Perhaps I can put you down easy , by releasing you . " " It would be good to rest , I mean really rest . But someone must mind the witch . " The armor sighed , " granted , " I set him down , and after another little tingling feeling , saw how the armor and spirit were all connected , and how I could release him . " Goodbye , rest well . " I reached out and gave the armor a strong thump , every piece of it separated from the others and the spirit sighed , formed whole in silvery presence for just a moment , smiled , looked down at its un - gauntleted hands , flexing them then pressing them together as if in prayer , and then vanished with a smile and a wave . I suddenly felt a very strong desire to don the armor myself , but backed quickly away . Then I turned around and took the plated belt and oversized buckle , picked up a plaid bed cover and pleated it around me , then held it up with the knight 's belt . I took off the remains of my plaid shirt / jacket . The muscle tee was stretched to its limit and I reached under and removed the remains of my split pants . I tore off the sections with the wallet pocket and cargo pockets . The phone was in one cargo pocket and I draped it over the belt with the phone pocket on the outside , and the wallet and other pocket tucked on the inside . I looked one last time at the armor , resisting the urge to put on the helmet , and headed out the alleyway . On my way back to the Hot Springs I couldn 't resist stopping at the " ring the bell " carnival attraction . I made it shoot almost to the bell , then handed the hammer to a kid , " you try ! " The kid wobbled under the hammer , I knelt down and helped him steady it , " Aim for the outside edge , you 'll get better leverage . Let the tool do the work . " The kid lifted the hammer up and just as he let if fall , I gave it a pinky tap , sending the bell all the way to the top . The crowd applauded and cheered , " Fist bump ! " I held down my fist , it was larger than his head . He bumped me , all smiles . People lined up to try the attraction , " Come back any time ! " the operator shouted at me as I headed down the main walk for the exit . Lots of people wanted to stop and pose with me on the way out . I realized this would become tiresome pretty soon , I needed to go find some normal clothing that would fit , though I was quickly coming to the conclusion that there might not be any . My muscle tee had started to rip at the collar and under the arms . The Spirit of the armor was gone , I figured I would shrink back to normal size . If anything I seemed to be getting bigger . I wondered what my students at Hot Springs Technical were going to think if this form didn 't shrink back down . My friends and I were all " Senior Tutors " for the local University . I decided to take the hillside path to the Hot Springs . The witch was waiting for me . She 'd also changed her clothing , more modern than her predecessor , but every bit as revealing . Power seemed to radiate out of her . " I know why she thought she could rule the world . " And that was when I knew , that was exactly what had happened . The powers in the alley had found two new hosts , only , we weren 't playing along with the usual rules , and with only the belt from the armor , my powers just kept making me larger . That was why there was a group of folks waiting for both of us at the changing house . They wanted a sit down meeting with the witch , and made me wait in the lobby , which was way too small , I barely fit through the door , and the light fixtures were at eye level , so I had to stoop to move around . I noticed that there was an open space enclosed next to the lobby , completely unused . That was neat , being able to see the spaces in the building just by touching a wall . I tapped the concrete block wall , and it fell down . Revealing a trapezoidal area where I could actually stand upright . I used the rubble of the wall to build myself a chair . If the witch couldn 't do something about my size , I was going to have trouble with my house . I was glad I had ten foot ceilings in most of the house . I 'd still be ducking to get into my bedroom and the bathrooms . My friend came storming out of the meeting room . " All the local powers will be arriving soon , you need to be prepared . . . " a voice shouted at her from the conference room . She cut of any further conversation by slamming the door shut on them . " Nice chair . Get up , we have to go , there 's people to save . " We left them behind and looked out over the field of hot springs , people were swimming in the well lit largest pool , and others were sitting in the smaller pools . No one , of course was anywhere near the boiling pools about half mile away . I noticed that the water was getting warmer , and that there was someone coming up from the depths . " We have to get them out of the pool before it reaches the surface . " I shrugged and stood up to my full height , which was now somewhere near eight feet , I think . It was odd how much that two plus feet made everything look so much smaller . I shouted " Geothermal anomaly incoming , everybody out of the pool ! " That worked . I was surprised how loud I was , then noticed my friend had placed her hand on my back , I could feel the tendrils of her power pulling away from me . This could be trouble long term , I could feel it , she enjoyed playing the puppet master a little too much , and it made me sad . We made our way down the hill hand in hand , and her affection for me was palpable , I was very confused . I could see the creature below swimming for the surface , even though the water was too dark for normal vision . I leaned on the retaining wall , and without meaning to , caused it to collapse into the large pool . A young man approached the other side of the pool and ran towards the cliff to dive in . Everyone around shouted " No ! " at the same time . But he was already committed . He hit the water with a hiss and I could see him turning red even before his feet went under . My friend vanished and I knew she was trying to save the kid , I don 't know that she 'd have time . I turned my attention to the water boiling at me feet and stepped back from the heat . A large creature with a human face and segmented crayfish looking back and belly pulled itself out of the water . " I am ready to defeat your champion ! " As it stood up from my crouch he looked up at me and gulped . He held out a tube of gaming dice . " Do you have any dice ? " Now , I 'm a long time game master with a dice addiction , so the answer was a resounding yes , only , they weren 't on me . I asked if anyone had any dice to donate to the cause . After a few minutes I had a respectable pile of dice . He drew up a board on a broken cinder block and explained the rules , a combination of button men and some other dice territory games . Once I was fairly sure I understood the rules we chose our dice " teams . " I started talking to the Guardian of the Hot Springs , he liked that name . I asked him if he was the cause of the boiling , and he said no , it 's a natural occurrence every decade or so . He could come up any time in some of the hotter pools , he just didn 't like to , there weren 't anyone who wanted to game with him . I could tell that wasn 't entirely true , I was sure he spent a lot of time in the pools . I knew , somehow , that he could ' be ' the water where it was above a certain temperature . The ritual of the Guardian of the Pool always ended up with people being injured , so he delayed as much as possible . I asked if he 'd be able to surface before the event to warn people away . He stopped and looked at me . " Oh . " He sat looking at me , thinking about it . " But what if I lose , er , don 't lose ? " I could tell he wasn 't even close to losing our contest , so he was worried about it at the moment . That struck me as odd , until I realized that he liked being the Guardian of the Springs . I looked at the tiny number of mismatched dice I had in my dusty grey reserve field , two of them were little pink pigs , we decided that the number of feet they had on the ground would be the number they expressed , and then looked at large shiny matched dice he still had in his home row . No , this context was all but over , only a truly miraculous set of bad throws on his part and great throws on my part could turn it around . " Shouldn 't the winner decide if they want to be the Guardian of the Pools ? " I suggested . He thought for a moment , then brightened , " Well , duh . Yes . " I felt the magic plonk of rules and links being re - arranged and wondered if this was part of my ability to see how things were connected , and then discombobulate them . The monster laughed . I asked if he like role playing games . I wasn 't sure why , but something told me it was the right thing to ask . " Maybe we can figure out something to do about that . We 'll have to play close to here , so you can do your job if needed , but I think there 's a place big enough if we can get permission to use it . " I was thinking of the recently renovated changing house lobby . He made his last plays and I conceded the game . We traded prisoners so he had his original set complete , and several new dice . He didn 't have any pockets for them , so I tore my pockets apart , and gave him one of the cargo pockets from the remains of my pants . " I don 't know how that will hold up in the long run , but I 'll toss you something better when I get a chance . " " Well , this hot bubble should be mixed in enough in a few hours , let people know that when I 'm gone it should be safe again . " And with that , he did a flip backwards into the large pool , and started zooming around underneath . I watched him with a little bit of envy , I would have liked to swim like that . I noticed the elder magic types standing around with sour expressions and pursed lips . I was expecting the little old lady of the group to bust out with " That 's not how this works , that 's not how any of this works , " but she didn 't , she just looked at me , shook her head and sighed . I smiled and waved . I couldn 't find my friend anywhere , and it was getting late , so I decided to stop ogling the coeds in the hot springs and go home . I was amazed at how fast everyone seemed to forget there was just a giant human crayfish swimming around , and that no one seemed to find it odd to see an old giant in a kilt and torn under shirt hanging out at the pools . I was stranded on an Island Nation , my plane had crashed and us few survivors managed to patch ourselves together and get the attention of locals . The Island Folk were perfectly aware of the modern world , and some had even gone off the Islands to college , but had returned to farm and fish . When the first group of rescuers came I stayed behind because I was on one of the smaller islands , learning about the various fish , fowl and flora , what they were each used for , and what to avoid . I was a little bit depressed that I had missed the " rescue " plane , but decided that my letter home would be sufficient to let people know I was alive and well . I helped the village by repairing their packet radio receiver and the village cell tower ( not that the cell phones really could reach off island , but the islanders could talk to one another . Because I had repair skills I was admitted into the ranks of the priesthood . When I was asked if that made me a witch - doctor by a tourist I explained that it was more like an Electron Shaman . That got a confused look from the tourist , and lots of laughs from the Islanders . I was quite content with my life there , and glad to have been accepted for citizenship ; the elders of the island sitting around drinking grape crush and root beers saying " yep , he belongs here . " One morning I was helping replace the batteries in a local fisherman 's Garmin Navigation system when I spotted some really odd lightning filled clouds on the horizon . " Reality Storm , looks like a bad one . " The fisherman hurried me along and asked if I wanted to ship out to sea with him to avoid the storm . I was feeling echoing flashes in my head , like a migraine coming on , so I deferred . He shook my hand and thanked me for everything . In doing so , it felt a lot more like a permanent good - bye . I made my way back towards my tree house in the hills , the Reality Storm overtaking me with bright flashes overhead , big splots of rain and echoing flashes in my vision . I never made it . I remember seeing my friends running towards me as I collapsed and then the world vanished in a white hot blur of headache and flashing . When it subsided , I was someone else . Or , more accurately , I was somewhere else , I had never been a shaman , and those memories were rapidly fading , but I was still a technician , retired , and very confused . With the help of a friend I managed to get out of bed and walked to the balcony . I apparently had a micro condo in a tall high - rise . I couldn 't stop talking about the Island and my life there , but my friend suggested that it was just a fever dream , aided by the unseasonal lightning storm we 'd just had . The paramedics insisted , however that I dress and come with them . At the hospital there were lots of tests and poking and prodding . What my prostate had to do with cluster migraines was beyond my , but " I 'm no doctor . " I joked . My sister came to visit , and was the only person who seemed to be very interested in my experience . She even encouraged me to remember as much as possible of it . It was odd , in a way . I knew she was my sister , but we both couldn 't tell a single incident from our childhood together . She said not to worry about it , she might be able to shed some light on that later . On my third night in the hospital , oddly not missing my own bed , because I really had the feeling that it wasn 't really my bed at all , in the sense that I 'd woken up in it , but hadn 't ever really been in it before then , a visitor arrived . Hew was dressed as an orderly but introduced himself as a friend of my sisters . I thought that odd because it was definitely plural , but I was sure I only had one sister . He asked me about my experience with the Reality Storm . I had , by then decided it had just been a dream , but played along and told him about it . He asked if I was feeling anything about like it still . I wasn 't , he grunted and sat down to continue our conversation . Now , I hadn 't been , but as we talked I noticed the tiny flashes starting at the back of my brain , just at the base of my vision . I mentioned that , figuring he might be interested . He nodded , rose , went to the cabinet next to the bed and handed my my clothes . " Let 's get you out of here now . " As I scooted to the end of the bed he took the big machine at the foot of the bed and laid it down where I 'd been laying . " Hurry , before the storm gets here . " He was very urgent about it , so I dressed , wondering if leaving the hospital before falling victim to the headaches was actually a good idea . As we walked out of the Hospital . " Where are we going ? " " The storm is heading for your sisters , we need to be with them if we 're going to weather this . " " Weather this ? You mean this storm might send me back home , to the Island ? " " Not likely , " he explained , " Reality Storms , as you call them , affect different folks in different ways . Some get tossed about to different times and places so often they start to remember all of them , some get shifted once and never again , we suspect some get shifted and blend right into the new reality without ever even knowing , and some pile up . Like your sister . " We entered a large suburban home , my sister , and two other of her were waiting for me in the large living room . I knew I only had one sister , but all three of them were her . " Oh , my . " The flashes in my head increased and I collapsed into a chair . The four of them were talking when police broke in through the front and back doors simultaneously . The Orderly and my sister ( well , one of them ) grabbed me and crushed themselves together with me sandwiched between them . The lighting flashed and thunder from outside drowned out the orders of the police to get on the ground and the three of us found ourselves under a threatening sky in an alleyway with trash cans overflowing and the stink of not having been collected for a couple of weeks , at least . " Garbage strike , " I informed my companions . One was dressed as an orderly and the other seemed to be a mildly attractive housewife sort , very suburban looking and quite out of place in a trash - filled urban alleyway . I vaguely remembered dreaming of an Island and a shining clean hi - rise world with a high tech hospital . I wasn 't sure what had happened that had made me collapse in the alley . I checked , my wallet was still in my pocket , so I didn 't seem to have been mugged . I was grateful that these two had come along to help me up . We made our way out of the alleyway next to my apartment building . " It worked , sort of . " They spoke to one another in front of me like I was supposed to know them , or what was going on . It was apparent they knew one another , and I thought it was odd that I was being helped by two people from my dream while unconscious in the alley . Though , that made some sort of sense if I 'd noticed them before I passed out . Labels : False Memories , Future , Hospital , Women I was working in cubeville , doing endless pointless , uninspiring and essentially mean work on the computer . ( Designing stuff that was essentially mean to people . ) I was retired from one job and had taken this job to refill my savings after making a rather impulsive purchase . The manager of my part of the cube farm was even more uninspiring and mean , and I finally decided that I had enough . I went on a rant about the only way to keep us doing uninspiring , pointless and mean work was to pay us well and treat us well . And I don 't have a complaint about how well we 're paid . The company boss came over and gave me the perfect bound quarter page sized booklet about how to " get along " the " Company Way . " I pointed out that it was available on the company web site in PDF format , and I had read it . It was 64 quarter - pages about how to go along and get along with your bosses , and it was pointless and uninspired . I then took the book , slid the spine half off the table hold it firmly in place with one hand I whacked it the other , breaking the glued spine . I then tore it in half and gave it to my boss , who , flustered , wandered off in a huff . My co - workers just sort of kept their heads down and looked away while I went back to my work , which now consisted of labeling some of my assignments as " pointless , " or , " Paint it whatever color you want , it doesn 't really matter . " And then I selected every part of the drawing and made it Primer colored . At this point I figured they would either fire me or ignore me , but I figured they certainly wouldn 't bother to try being less mean or uninteresting . Labels : Future , Work Rough Night last night , but I woke up enough to remember bits of three different dream experiences . In the first dream , I had a small flying house . I was able to float between my three or four " landings " depending on which weather I preferred . On one of my Landings there was a knock at the door . Some local " Inspectors " were at the door wanting to check the premises for mice . I looked around the three rooms , and the little grey mouse got a worried look on his face , and dashed into the closet . The Inspectors spotted the motion , so I had to let them in and then had to admit that I had a small grey pet . . . The closet curtain fluffed out and a moose stepped out . . . moose . The inspectors were taken aback , and frantically started looking at their field book and ticket books . Apparently there was no infraction for having a grey house moose . Or a grey and silver cat , or a silver and black coatimundi , or a flying monkey , though the last one was more than a little bit scary when it jumped out and landed on my chest , asking , " how are we doing , boss . " The Inspectors fled . In the second dream , I was sleeping , when the whole house shook with a bang and then rattled to the sound of a heavy engine for a few seconds afterword . I just figured the neighbor was getting ready for work and had closed his gate , which is part of the fence running between our houses . Just as I was falling back to sleep , it happened again , only I could tell the sound was coming from my back yard . I struggled up out of my sound sleep and into some clothes and shoes . I looked out the window and saw that the back hill was covered in sandy dirt . A little darker and redder than street sand , and more powdery . It had over flowed the retaining wall , and only the top of the trees showed at the top of the hill . I could hear the sounds of engines and cracking wood from behind the slope . I noticed a pair of treaded tracks down the sandy embankment and then turning just at my now dirt covered patio , then up the hill over the space where the ivy used to be thickest . I didn 't like this at all , I certainly hadn 't given any permission for any work to be done . I followed the tracks up the hill , slipping occasionally in the soft dirt . I crested the hill and was looking over the back neighbor 's yard . Bulldozers and backhoes were at work tearing down the house . There was a gap under the house where the granite had been dug up and pushed out the back yard and down the hill . Fairly shortly I saw a spinning cylinder covered in two foot steel spikes tearing up the granite as it drove out from under the house . The spikes were mostly bare metal , but the cylinder still retained some of its construction vehicle yellow . The fellow driving the vehicle looked very wide eyed and happy under his orange destruction cap . the tractor rolled back under the hill , then came out again , pushing the dirt in front of the now stopped cylinder , up the slope , across the back yard , and then toppled the heap over the hill into my yard . The tractor teetered on the crest of the artificial dune a moment before sliding down towards my house . He didn 't make the tuThe dream I was having this morning before the Chimester chimed in started out disturbing , the neighbors had dug a pit and were fighting insects and small animals in it . They had amassed a collection of scorpions , spiders , frogs and lizards and a struggling cat . I had to intervene for the sake of the vertebrates in the group , pointing out how sweet they were and how cute . It would be wrong to make them fight one another . Real animals feel pain and there is no Poke Hospital for them . The creatures all escaped , except one little dragon like thing that puffed out it 's black and yellow scales , then eyed me sideways , then ran up my arm and dove into my shirt pocket . It cheeped at me and I rubbed the center of its head between its eye bumps , making it cheep some more . I wondered if it would eat cat kibble , or if I needed to make a trip to the store for crickets or mealworms . I needn 't have worried , when I opened up my garage door it jumped out and raced over to the litter pan area , like it knew what it was doing , and began digging out the earwigs and snacking on them loudly . I crouched down to get a better look at what it was doing , then felt a cat rubbing on my elbow . It was the little white and black kitten . Marked much like Giles , only with more black than white on her . She ran off under a vehicle parked partly across my driveway . I went out and stretched out on the curb to see what she was up to . She came out with two more cats , a nearly all black cat with a just a white chin and toes , and an all white short haired cat , with beautiful golden brown eyes . The two adult cats had letters wrapped around their collars . The letters had obviously been written by a child . It stated that they had to move , and mommy and daddy said the cats would be okay on their own , but she knew better ( I knew it was a she because there was a drawing of a little girl with her three cats , each with a name below them . ) " Please take care of them and keep them together , they 're family . " There was a phone number . " text me . " My little dragon like friend cheeped at the cats , and they all got head bonks and shoulder rubs as they walked over me and then screwing up their courage , dashed across the open driveway and followed it into the house through the cat door . The white cat stayed with me the longest , unsure about the whole thing . I scruffed her up across the shoulders and ears , trying to let her know she would be safe in the house and wouldn 't have to come out into the big blue room again . That seemed to satisfy her and she raced across the driveway , pausing only a second to two to figure out the cat door . I was glad I had just stocked up on cat food , and that I hadn 't gotten rid of the extra litter pans yet . Giles and Ember would certainly be entertained with four new housemates . I texted the number that the cats were living with me , and they would be kept together . It was only a few seconds before I got an emoji filled text with hearts and kitty faces . I resolved to text pictures of the cats when they settled in . Labels : Cats , Chase , Conflict , Future , Night Terror , Ruins , Technology I was , with a team of about 12 , stationed on a wooden sailing ship that was searching for the Northwest Passage . We had been thwarted in our attempt and had retreated to the North Atlantic . Winter had been harsh , and the ship 's stores were getting low . The captain wanted to make another attempt in the spring , so devised a plan to drop off the carpenters , masons and myself ( apparently a structural engineer , ) leaving us with about two weeks of rations ( if tightly rationed ) and the materials for a pair of cabins , which had been meant for way point storage to be set up . I was not particularly in favor of this plan , but the ship 's crew made the decision for us one cold , wet night . We found ourselves on a green shoreline , fumaroles sputtered and fumed in the distance . A wide fresh water river coming had a hot tributary . I looked at the sand on the beach and decided that if we could gather up enough viable seed we could set up our cabins , and then make a greenhouse , heated by the hot water , and we should be able to overwinter here if the captain wasn 't good to his word of sending help from the Canadians on his first stop . ( Since putting us off was in order to keep him from having to purchase more supplies , I suspect he had no intentions of telling anyone where we were . ) One of the carpenters opined , " It 's too bad none of us are shipwrights . " I had to agree . We decided that we would only set up one cabin , and look to making a boat of the other so that we might explore our coast and river valley better . There were only a sparse scattering of short woody plants around , so I figured we wouldn 't be building much out of the local lumber . Perhaps the hot water was near boiling further inland , we could heat and cook all winter if that were the case . Labels : Boat , Invention While I was sleeping , the house decided to throw a party . I woke up to thumping music out in the back yard , the sounds of running and giggling , a door chime , and the smell of BBQ wafting into my office . I had been working about thirty six hours straight , then had fallen asleep in my task chair . Except for bathroom trips and to get food , I hadn 't been out of the office for several days . I had some sort of deadline I was racing to make , and had lost one of my illustrators , so was trying frantically to color correct everything for printing . the job was done , and I had fallen into a coma like sleep for a period of time I wasn 't sure of , all my muscles hurt . I really needed to swim , but didn 't have a suit that fit . I made my way through the surging crowd of party goers , only a few of whom I recognized . It didn 't take long for me to decide that the party atmosphere had lasted long enough for me , it didn 't help that I was dressed in a pair of pajama bottoms missing the fly button and an old holey T - shirt , neither of which had been changed for at least four days . I went back to my office , but the house had locked the door . When I tried to override the lockout the house said " You need to socialize , " and that I would not be allowed to hide in my office until after I did so . I made my way to the master bedroom , which was also full of party goers , who had overflowed even into the master bathroom . I reached in and grabbed a towel . I shrugged . " Okay , house , if that 's the way you want it . " I noticed that there were already a half dozen folks in the hot tub , and only a couple in the pool . They looked like they had gotten too warm and had jumped in to cool off before returning to the hot tub . I waited for them to climb over the wall into the hot tub so I would have the pool all to myself . I dropped my towel and pajama bottoms over a shaded ( and thus empty ) pool chair , then strode naked to the deep end of the pool . A couple of people came up to me to ask me to put something on , I didn 't recognize them , so just pointed to the " Swimsuits or Nothing " sign , and said , " It 's my home , my rules . " One of them hurried off to go gather his children and leave . I smiled , waved at my friends in the hot tub and dove into the pool . The house whispered to me through the pool speakers , " that wasn 't nice . " I stayed under the water , kicking off the walls and gliding through the cool waters , enjoying the relief the cold water provided from my hand and foot inflammation . When I 'd been down for a couple of minutes , several of the women in the hot tub had entered the pool to see if I needed help . I swam over to them and they dove down to greet me , saw my " condition " and turned and broke for the surface . I surfaced between them and mounted the stairs to make my way to the hot tub . A small pink and yellow swimsuit top plopped into the water next to me . My young friend M was below me on the stairs stepping out of her bikini bottoms . Only a couple of people stayed in the hot tub with us . I decided I liked the party after all . Labels : Future , House , Party , Technology I was in a lovely leather and brocade wallpapered train cabin with a woman and her teen daughter . It became clear that the woman , who referred to herself as " The Wife " was actually a vampire . The trip took on a much more sinister air . It was not clear that she was my wife . I don 't remember any details from our conversation , except at one point the thirteen year old daughter ( who I presumed was born before mom became a vampire ) spoke up . " Some people tried to kidnap me on the way home one day . I said ' why don 't you take Suzy , she 's way prettier than I am . " She paused and looked out the window . Mom patted the back of her hand . " I still miss Suzy . " Labels : Road Trip , Vampires , Women |
Her father blinked his eyes and sat up in bed , leaning on his elbows . The digital alarm clock glowed red in the darkness . It was 3 : 23 AM . The little girl began to cry . " Because in my dream , when I told you about the dream , the thing wearing Mommy 's skin sat up . " she whined . My driver 's license pictures , and really any government photos , have always been great . I look tan and fit and fashionable . It 's really incredible . For others it is as though the special cameras they use , at the DMV take a picture of you , in another dimension . The you that eats all the cheesecake you want . The you that never exercises and was born fifteen years earlier . I want to get a photo of what I really look like . Actually I 'd appreciate a driver 's license picture where I am mid - sneeze . Cheeks all blown out . One eye partially open . Lips flapping . I would look forward to seeing the look on police officer 's faces when they look at the pic . " License and registration please . . . thank you . Sir do you know why I pulled you o - MY GOD ! " His hand covers his mouth . " I was sneezing when she took the picture . " You 'd probably get off with a warning , after the officer took a picture of your driver 's license . You 've suffered enough . And you KNOW that 's the kind of picture the ladies at the DMV crave more than any . There must be a wall , in the break room , where they post this month 's " BEST PICS " . A mom shouting at her kids , off camera . The girl with the bad sunburn around where she was clearly wearing sunglasses . The guy with waaaaay too much fake tan . The man dressed as a woman . For my brother 's learner 's permit , back in the 80 's he was trying to look good . He was brushing the imaginary lint off the front of his shirt , when the lady said " look up " . His hands are on his chest in mid - swipe and he is clearly " looking up " , eyes all open wide , like he 's saying " For what ? " I wish my last name was Bacon . Then I could name a son Chris P . My brother and his wife considered awarding Abbey the middle name " Normal " . As wonderful as it is , having the same middle name as her , I really sort of like Abbey Normal . Yesterday , I woke up thinking it was Saturday . I was upstairs getting a cup of coffee and it occurred to me , I couldn 't remember it if was Saturday or Sunday . " Oh well , I 'll check on the computer , when I get downstairs . " " Tuesday ? " I thought there 's something wrong with my calendar . That 's the right date but . . . It took fifteen minutes to really get on board with the fact that not only do I have to go to work , but it 's the beginning of the week . [ sigh ] It 's like I flew from here to Japan four times , in one day , somehow and now it 's four days ago . Until about 11AM , I still had this odd , " Groundhog Day " feeling going on . Rip van Winkle . Like none of this is right . I went back in time . Unfortunately I didn 't go back far enough to see dinosaurs . At least that would have been more fun . Until I got eaten . And then we 'd probably find out that the reason they all died out was that I gave them smallpox or something . Just as the herd of raptors was closing in [ ACHOO ! ] and they all fell over dead . Turned out I was immune to dinosaurs ! Good for me . . . bad for them . Today is not your day triceratops . And the next 160M years are not looking good either . Sure they 'd be upset but I can 't be responsible for Snarkasaurus Regina 's bad day in the Bitchyolithic era . Like Popeye , I am what I am . My superpower is " Impervious to dinosaurs ! " Which I guess we all have since I don 't know * anyone * who has been eaten by one . Popping my hips made a big difference as well . They don 't really pop but make a noise like pulling a cooked chicken leg off the thigh ? A crackly squish and then the pain and tension goes away . I stand with my feet about shoulder width apart and with my toes slightly out . Then try to pull my legs together , against the friction of my feet , on the floor . [ poof ! ] pain gone ! The stretches involved turning my foot as far as it would go , then twisting my body , slowly to turn it even farther . I went both ways and did that stretch for about a year , whenever I felt pain . I stopped about two years ago , because my hips stopped hurting : ) " Let 's put the nose right here ! Upside down , directly over the mouth . GENIUS ! Moving on . . . I 'm not feeling very artistic and I 'm sort of in a rush , so let 's work on sinuses , toes and genitals . . . " Don 't get me started on turtles and platypus ' . And toads ? Seems like something someone sort of threw together at the last minute , for a project . I give toads a " D " . What was I saying ? Oh yeah . . . P90x . That Tony Horton guy really likes yoga . I had no idea yoga was so strenuous ! OW ! you hold yourself in these rock - climber kind of poses , until your muscles want to kill you , then you switch to poses that are * really * hard , then just when you think you are going to die , he says the word no P90x user wants to hear . . . " Plyometrics ! " and he makes it " hard " . I dream of choking Tony Horton to death , when he says " Don 't forget to breathe ! " and I am vacuuming my whole house with every inhale . It 's more difficult than I thought ! I am usually sweaty , breathing hard and ready to stop , during the 3 - minute warm - up . It 's all I can do to keep going , when every atom in my body is saying , " Stop it . Stop it right now or you are going to pay dearly . Remember the really - quite - unendurable - pain ? Well . . . lets just ramp that up , shall we ? Let 's see if THAT doesn 't get you to quit . No ? Perhaps the pain you cannot ignore should be increased ? How does a stroke sound ? Well we are not going to reward you with that . No , no . Perhaps the sensation that wild animals are chewing on your muscles . " And it goes on in that style until the end of the stupid DVD . I do not like the tone my muscle atoms take with me . Like they are giving the orders , not my brain . I think my fat is too lazy to really talk . It just lays there , like water . Flopping it 's way to it 's own level and dragging me down with it . My fat mutters " Let 's just lie here and not do anything . " And the more fat I get , the more I can hear it . It wraps itself around my muscles and muffles their voices . My muscles say things like " NOW NOW NOW ! Let 's go DO something . Anybody wanna play tag ? Let 's go swimming ! Do you have a Frisbee ? Those are AWESOME ! COME ON ! It 's SOOOOO sunny ! ! ! ! " But the fat seems to think sunny is a good word for " hammock " . You know hammocks were invented by a fat guy . It 's a way to relax that punishes you for any movement . If you don 't believe me , try having sex in a hammock . If you are willing to ridicule yourself , film it . I guarantee it 'd be more famous than any famous person 's sex - tape . Paris Hilton ? Kim Kardashian ? Pfff . They 'd have nothing on a total nobody like me , trying to get it on in a hammock . It 'd be even more funny because I 'm fat . I 'd just need to find a fat girlfriend who 's willing to be humiliated , on tape . Well , I guess if she 's dating me . . . [ check ] . They flew all that way , only to meet somebee from home . They fell in love and made new friends together , with newbees who did not know their way of making honey . Then , as bees do , they made a home . They got it ready and made as much honey as they could . But you can only make so much , alone . They needed more bees ! More bees take time to grow and get old enough to make honey ; but what 's a bee to do ? So Dadbee and Mombee started making babees . They decided to see what being parents was like with just one small bee . It was a girl . They did not know what to name her and decided to wait to see what she was like to be sure they gave her the correct name . They knew that when the right name came along , they 'd know it right away ! In time , the babee learned to fly and would soon be strong enough to carry the nectar back to the home - hive , to make honey . But the babee liked to do things other than just collect nectar . She liked to fly ! She wasn 't great at it , at first , but fortunately bees are covered with fluff , like a teddy bear , so bonking , face - first into things ( which runs in the family ) , was no big deal . Babee also liked to look at people . People couldn 't fly or bonk things with their face , or make honey . They were slow and pink but did very interesting things . They all would do a dance for her that was very comical , whenever she flew near their faces . They taught her the magic necessary to form a hive wall , out of wax , how to drip the honey in at just the right speed , so it didn 't overflow . Some bees know the honey cell is full , because the funnel is full . Those bees always make a big mess ! Babee was perfect at it , right from the start ! Once she had learned how to be a perfect bee , her parents told her it was time for her to have her name . She stood over her perfectly made cell and her Mother and Father told her she had to sign it and every honey - filled cell she made , from then on . To do that , she needed the name everyone had shouted wherever she went . So she took her front foot and dipped it in the honey . She used that bit of honey to carefully write her name on the wax cap , on top of the cell so when the honey dried , it would be hard and crystalline . It would sparkle like amber when the sun went down and shone into the opening of the hive . But what was it for ? Making honey is fine but compared to flying , it was not as exciting . Only . . . satisfying somehow . It felt right but she did not know why . Her mother said that everything made at home . Everything they were doing was to make it safe for the newbees that they were making . Soon there would be more babees just like she used to be . And they all needed to be taught how to make honey and mold - with - wax and fly . Abbey was going to have to help teach them , even though she was hardly more than a babee herself . She was both worried and excited . She needed to become very good at what she was going to teach ! She needed to fly really well and make perfect combs for the honey if she was going to teach the new babees how to do it right . As the sun went down , she watched as the golden light crossed her first cell of honey and in the last moments of light , her name glowed . She knew she could teach honey - making because she 'd been doing it all along . She had been teaching herself , while her parents taught her too . Everything she had learned was her parents teaching her how to teach somebee else ! She realized that is how everything was , in life . Everything you learn is something you might have to teach . One day when she was older , Abbey was scouting for new flowers and she came across a delicious smelling plant , with beautiful curved leaves that had little eyelashes on the edges . The leaves smelled wonderful , but she could not see any flowers . Something was not right . Abbey was very brave , but she was also smart . Many bees cannot tell the difference between bravery and stupidity . Those bees tend to become a very thin layer on windshields or small , curved piles of white stuff , beneath birds ' nests . Abbey wanted to watch this plant and see what was going on . The first thing she noticed was that no other bees were going near the plant . Some ants were on it , but not going on those delicious smelling leaves . Abbey could not speak Ant and bees can only discuss things with one another when they are touching . They were alarmed to hear that such a plant was within flying distance of the hive ! They carefully told her exactly what it was and how it could eat bees whole ! The plant smells good in order to get you to fly into it 's eyelashes and then it closes on you ! Since Mombee and Dadbee had been making new babees , for the last few weeks , some of them were old enough to fly and needed to be told not to go near that plant . Communication was all about the dance , but the dance was all about making the air vibrate . Why can 't you vibrate the air enough so other bees can feel it , even if they aren 't touching you ? ! ? ! You just can 't . Abbey realized that sometimes , no matter how smart you were , you really only learned what other bees knew too . How could she think outside the hive ? How could she think a brand new thought that nobee had ever thought before ? This was DIFFICULT . But Abbey knew . . . lots of things are difficult and you have do them anyway . This was one of those things . What if she had flown into that plant ? All she had needed was an answer to her question and she would have known not to go near it . She got goosebumps thinking of it and it made all her hair stand up really funny . She looked like a bumblebee , she once saw , that had flown too close to a bug zapper . She patted her hair down and tried to line up those new thoughts . She wanted to be able to teach all the bees something new , even if they were not in the hive . And teach them all at once ! The hive was getting so big , teaching everyone just one new thing , took a single bee days and days ! Abbey decided to think of all the things that vibrated . Wind made the leaves vibrate , but that was scary . They moved too fast to get close to , when the wind blew like that . Bees could say the most , over the deepest cells . But cells were only ever made a certain depth . Sometimes shallower , but never deeper . It had to do with how much nectar you could hold and only one bee ever made a cell . Two bees never worked together to make one cell . That 's why you signed them . Maybe the cells only went down " so deep " because they ran into the bottom of the hive and then couldn 't go any deeper . That seemed to make sense but something was not right . What was it ? ! ? ! It felt good to think new thoughts but then when she got stuck , her brain felt really strange and she could tell when she was not on the right track , but only that she was on the wrong track . She was not right . Her brain would not tell her what was right , only that she wasn 't . What if she built a very tall cell - tower and then filled it with honey , every day . With each new day , she could take off the wax - cap and add more honey , then re - cap it . Then when she stood on top of THAT cell , she might be able to talk to bees really far away . Abbey cleared a space , so the wax could stick firmly to the bottom of the hive . Once it was all clean and smooth , she began to build a single cell . She made it three times as tall as a regular cell and the same size around . It was empty of honey but it already had a strange effect on her sounds . Her wing sounds were deeper and more pleasant . She moved her wings over the opening to the cell for a long time , just enjoying the calming sounds she made as the vibrations came out of the top of the cell . At the end of the next day she went to fill it with honey and discovered a problem . The honey seemed to pile up on top of a bubble that never went away and all of the honey sat smoothly on top of that bubble . She decided to let the air out of the bottom , by poking a hole in the side of the cell . It worked ! But true to the nature of holes , it did not only let the air flow out of the cell . It also let out all the honey . Next she made a regular sized cell and filled it . Then without putting a cap on it , she built another cell right on top of that one . The next day , she filled that one and built another cell . When she filled that cell , the following afternoon and capped it , she was ready to try it out . She quietly climbed to the top of the cell and stretched her wings and paused . She was not certain what would happen . She was certain nobee knew what was going to happen . She gently vibrated her wings and her whole body jiggled ! Her vision got blurry ! Her hair was standing up , so much , from the goosebumps , she could hardly see through it ! She stopped vibrating and smoothed her wild hair back down . Her voice was not louder , it was simply more powerful . She was not sure whether that was good or not but it was fun to play with the way it made everything all fuzzy when she moved her wings so she did that for a while longer . She tried words and sentences , directions to flowers and back to the hive . It certainly sounded very different , but again . . . not louder . She spent a long time making the tower taller . At some points , the vibrations got so powerful , they threw her right off the tower . At other heights , there was no sound at all . Not as though it did not amplify her vibrations . . . it just turned them off . She could not hear anything she tried to say ! When the cell was 100 times her body length , and she had filled the top with honey and capped it off , like she did , everyday , flew in a couple of circles , to get her blood flowing again and landed on top of the tower . It had a strange feeling to it . She knew something was going to be different . " Ah ! No ! I am a bee too ! My name is Itzahbee . " and he vibrated his location , based on the position of the sun . He told her his hive was a kind of Oriental beehive . Abbey was having a feeling she frequently had nowadays . The feeling she was having thoughts that were bigger than her head . Her body became very still . She stared into the distance , with her eyes beetled open and one antennae twitched slightly . Beetling your eyes was not as crazy - looking as bugging your eyes . Nothing was as crazy - looking as bugging them . When you bugged your eyes , other bees slooowly moved away from you , not making any sudden moves . You didn 't want to do that very often or your hive might decide to smother you in honey " for your own good " . In the time it took to ooze and drag their way out of the honey - puddle , bug - eyed bees had pretty well settled back down to normal but the other bees kept a close eye on them . And the hive seemed to have extra honey buckets on hand , for a while , " just in case " you went all bug - eyed again . One bee that had too much honey in his hair had gotten chilled and got goosebumps . Well the honey stuck his hair together so it wouldn 't stand up and all his hair fell out . Underneath lay a surprise . . . he was pink . The only pink bee , she ever saw . He had freckles on his bottom . He backed into an empty cell to cover his embarrassment and bees had to bring him honey to eat , while his hair grew back . Later , if a babee asked him about it , he always put a hand over his eyes and said the same thing . " I don 't want to vibrate about it . " and his antenna would twitch . Abbey could feel his embarrassment . Itzabee replied " I think the honey makes our tiny vibrations so big it moves everything just a little . When those little vibrations get to something the same size as the thing that made them , they become big again ! Then a bee standing in the same spot on the other end , can hear the vibrations and knows what the other bee was saying . . . maybe . " Abbey noticed something very different about Itzabee . When she asked why the cell tower made it so she could talk to him , he had NOT said " It just does . " He had very nearly said he did not know ! Bees very rarely admitted not knowing something even though not knowing something was the most fun thing ever ! As they talked , late into the night , Abbey and Itzabee discovered that they had made the exact same cells , far apart , at the same time , for the same reasons . They were both trying to be able to teach babees and newbees , without having to do it one bee at a time . They had both failed . Itzabee had made his first cell far too tall and it was too heavy for the paper of his nest to hold . One day , all at once , it fell right out the bottom and into an ant pile , on the sidewalk far below . They were sugar ants so they sent Itzabee Christmas cards for the next five years , thanking him for dropping five years worth of honey onto their heads , just when they needed it most . Abbey laughed very hard when he told her that , and it seemed to make him feel hurt and embarrassed . So Abbey told him about draining her honey all over the floor and getting all six legs stuck in it and her fear of getting goosebumps that would make her hair fall out . She told him she was afraid she might have freckles somewhere embarrassing , but she didn 't know because she could only ever remember having hair , like everyone except Specklebottom , whose hair had grown back , but not before the name stuck . Itzabee laughed and even though he laughed at her , it made her feel better because he was also laughing at himself . They were not laughing to be mean . They were laughing because they knew what the other bee felt like when they failed and it was good to laugh at your own embarrassment , with a friend . The spot was near a picnic table where a man was sleeping next to a couple of bottles of old honey that had gone very bad . Abbey got there earliest and spent a few moments happily watching the scruffy - looking man snore , before Itzabee landed beside her , saying " HI ! " making her jump , in surprise . She smoothed her goosebump - fluffed hair , back down and scowled at him . Abbey glanced back down at the sleeping man 's gaping mouth and smiled and felt better . Even though he was scruffy and even at this distance she smelled that she was far too close to him . . . something about him reminded her of home . They spent the rest of the day talking about their hives and wax and cells and honey and if different flowers made better sounding nectar . Abbey 's thoughts and Itzabees thoughts , combined to become thoughts that were bigger than not just their heads , but the whole hive ! Both their hives ! It was wonderful ! They needed nectar to think properly so they both flew down to the lawn and found some clover . Clover made very good honey and it was easy to get nectar from it . Once full , they met back at the tree and kept talking . They discovered that their greatest invention was made entirely of mistakes and errors that accidentally turned into something magnificent ! What made it work was that they had not given up after the first fiasco . Abbey could remember her failure and embarrassment , but not that it felt bad . Only that she now knew one thing never to do again . Every mistake was like that . It didn 't feel like failure . Just a way that didn 't work . Failing got her closer to success , every single time ! If she had known where she would be now , meeting new bees , from faraway hives and drinking nectar from faraway flowers ( even if it was really just plain old , boring clover ) , she would have cheered with each failure . One step closer to success ! From their perch in the tree , they heard a sound . The smelly man was waking up . Abbey said " I bet I can make that human speak our language , dance and say both our names . " " Pfff , if he doesn 't speak our language he can 't say our names ! None of the humans speak our language . You 're crazy and you 're on ! I accept the bet . " Abbey held her breath , flew down and bonked her face against the man 's nose . He flapped his arms , just like humans always do and shouted " A bee ! It 's a bee ! " He was not angry . In fact he was proud of Abbey . He was proud of himself . Thinking giant , new thoughts was becoming easier and more fun , even as the thoughts got larger and more incredible ! Abbey had looked at the sleeping man and had thought thoughts no other bee would have thought . Not even him . But he knew he also had thoughts she would never have . They could look at the same thing and see it just slightly differently . Both right . But still different . Over the years , Abbey and Itzabee changed the world of bees . In time , they found many more hives where just one lonely bee had made this tall tower of honey and was able to talk to them , from great distances . Some bees were many days away . Some were so far away , they would never see their faces , in bee . Only by describing each other would each know how the other looked . Abbey began to say " They just ca - " and she stopped . Dear Mother - Of - All - Bees , she had almost said the words she hated most of all . That was close ! Abbey started over again . " I 'm sorry , I very nearly stopped thinking there , for a moment . I think I almost got old . What I meant to say was ' No one has worked that out yet ' . But do you think you might be able to make it so bees can talk over short distances ? " Bees make three things . Honey , wax … and the thing most people forget . . . paper . They use the paper for the outside of their hives . It is very tough , in one direction but can be easily torn when pulled in the other direction . Abbey thought … and yes . It was true . She did not say it but she could not see what that had to do with anything like bee - communication . She did not say it because a small part of Abbey was like all bees . She didn 't want to not know something . The difference was . . . the really important difference was that Abbey wanted to FIND OUT what she did not know and turn it into something she DID know . She put on her ' wise teacher expression ' and said , Babee looked nervous . Everyone knew Abbey thought very big thoughts . Somebees said she had extra brains that she kept somewhere that she could think with , when the thoughts got bigger than the hive . It made him nervous . " Um . . . " he said " . . . I was in the hive and tapped on the paper , where it was tightest and my friend , outside heard it , as she flew past . " " I think I can talk inside a special spot , surrounded by very tight paper that touches me and I can talk to everyone in the hive , at once . If I make it the right shape and size , I might be able to talk to bees that are out at the clover beds . " Abbey thought the Babee must have found some extra brains lying around because those were very big thoughts . Babee started to slowly move away from Abbey , because she had gone very still and her eyes were CLEARLY bugging . She noticed his movement , smiled and explained that 's what smart bees do , when they think big thoughts . It is also what regular bees do when they get too many small thoughts all at once . Sadly , most bees can only handle two very small thoughts before honey has to be quickly brought in , by the bucket - load . Babee could feel his face becoming pink , under his hair , because he was blushing . He thought even his eyes might be blushing . Abbey thought he was smart ! And she was the smartest bee he 'd ever known ! Abbey told him to figure out how to stretch paper so it was tight enough to use . She said he could use her old workshop , back where the cell tower was . She would take him to it and show him where to find things that were strong enough to stretch paper on , but he would have to figure out how to do it . Babee asked " Can 't you show me how ? " Abbey said " No one can teach you how to do new things . When you learn how to do it , there will be only one bee in the world , who knows how to stretch paper tight , like you need it . That bee will be you . Then you can teach the rest of us , perhaps all at once . I 'll tell you something very few bees know . . . That is what I was trying to do , with the cell tower . I was trying to make a way to talk to all bees all at once . It obviously did not work , at all ! So if your paper drum does not work , maybe it will do something else amazing ! " Abbey thought this would be a good thing to use the cell tower for . She contacted some of her friends who were " her kind of bee " ( which was ANY bee that had built its own cell tower ) and asked them to see if they could find someone who would understand what babee was trying to accomplish . Three of her friends had babees that were asking the same sorts of questions . Arrangements were made to fly those babees here , to her hive , to help solve problems . One of the babees had brought small pieces of paper she had been making , in her spare time , that were different . Some tore in more than one direction . Some could not be torn at all . Some were very beautiful and colorful and others had patterns on them , like flowers ! When Abbey sent them off to work , she realized they had already started . After they said hello to one another they immediately began vibrating all together . All four of them asking questions and answering at the same time . They were so excited to be in a pack of bees that were all thinking in the same direction , but taking different paths . They had completely forgotten about Abbey and she stood there , watching them walk to the workshop . Abbey remembered the way she felt , when she was working like they were and knew very interesting things were going to come out of that room . The group started arguing about what size the drum needed to be , to communicate . The girl bees thought the drum should be delicate and precise . The boy bees wanted it to be large and loud . They finally decided to build two . One big and one small . The small one was to be wrapped very , very tight , with paper that could not be torn . It made a higher pitched sound and the wood framework was so thick with supporting branches , to keep it from breaking , the boy bees jokingly called it a treeble drum . The boys made hundreds of attempts . Each new drum solved previous problems they had encountered , with the earlier drums . The drums were good but each had a new problem . Since the girls were finished with their small one , they helped the boys and the work went much faster with more smart bees to solve and predict problems . Drum number 807 was so close to perfect , half of the bees argued to stop and just use this one . But no . It was finally decided , they were so close , they should make another that was perfect . The new drum had a thin ring of shiny metal on the front that made it very easy to tighten and loosen the paper on the drum . The bees had made everything , on the drums themselves , except for that one metal ring . The girls asked where the boys had gotten it . " We used the cell tower and found a hive that had things we could not make ourselves . They find them and bring them to their hive and then trade the things for honey , instead of collecting nectar and making it themselves . There was something wrong with the flowers near their hive . Those flowers did not make any nectar , at all . " When drum number 808 was done , they stood back and looked at it . It was very large and looked almost right . One of the girl bees clapped her antennae together once and ran off to get their treeble drum . When she came back and put it on top of the 808 … they fit perfectly together ! It just . . . worked ! One girl bee put it 's back against the 808th drum and it 's antennae against the treeble . When the bee vibrated and said " Hello , can you hear me ? " an explosion of buzzing came from everywhere . Something was wrong , in the hive ! They rushed out of the workshop , to find fluffed - up bees flying everywhere in the hive . In and out of the opening and all around . The babees figured out what had happened . Everyone had heard what they had said , in the workshop and it frightened them ! No one got them prepared for a booming voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once ! Chapter 14 . " This is Abbey . This has been a test . Some young bees have just perfected a way to talk to everyone at once . It seems they forgot to mention that today was the ' test day ' . From now on , we will let everyone know before anything is tested . This was only a test . " When she turned around , they saw she was laughing ! She flew over and crashed into them . Only when she made contact , could they hear what she was saying . Abbey moved to the boys . She made compound - eye - contact with the first boy and said " Your name is Ace . An ace is somebee who has done something perfectly . " Abbey turned to the first girl and said " You will be Luminaria . A luminary is somebee who radiates , like the sun . When you spoke , through the drum , your voice radiated , like light that could not be stopped . " But there was a problem ! The paper on the hive made it so the vibrations did not leave the hive . Inside , everyone could hear the sounds , but outside there was nothing . There were always problems ! Problems were frustrating , but for bees like Abbey , Ace , Master , Luminaria and Eminence , problems were examples of things you needed to know . Problems just need bees to solve them and some kinds of bees seem to need problems to solve . There were not many bees like that , but they all wanted to come to Abbey 's hive to learn and work and solve problems . Some bees appeared on their opening - step with problems no one knew they even had ! Fascinating ! ! ! Abbey was just the bee to help . If she did not have the answers , she was smart enough to say " I have no idea ! " with a smile in her voice . Then she would guide the babees to where to get started . Step 3 . Do not say " That 's how it is . " because the smart bees would dump honey on you , if you did . That is what you do with a bee that has a dangerous problem . By the time you dug and ate your way out of the honey , you had learned not to answer questions with " That 's how it is . " Because if you did , nothing would change from " how it is " into " how it should be " . |
I had major surgery in July and wasn 't allow to return to work until late August . I thought that I would use my " resting " time to go on trips , but I really did need to actually rest . I could not stand up for too long at a time . I was not in any pain , I just got tired very easily . By September I was not 100 % back to normal , but I really needed to get out . So I went on the internet to see if there was anything near us to see . I went to Google maps ( classic mode ) and clicked on " photos " . There were 2 photos that looked interesting . And so a trip was born ! Japan was crazy about mounds . Most of them are centuries old . Some millennia old ; key - hole shaped , with giant rocks , lots of pottery . This was all the rage way , way , way back when . The mound in the picture above is from the 5th century . Think about that . This thing is a little younger than Jesus ! ( Okay , about 500 years younger than Jesus , but compared to my age they 're practically twins . ) In the 5th century Attila the Hun was bothering the Romans . Chichen Itza was being built . Supposedly King Arthur was fighting the Saxons . And this thing was made . Yup . It 's at a school . You see the photo above ? Mark is standing on the baseball field of a junior high school . And those holes ? Tombs … tombs from the 6th century . They 're empty now . I have no idea what happened to the people who were inside . But now , there is garbage in some of them . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) Tom made plans to come to Japan for Festivus / Christmas since February 2011 . Last year , Mark stayed at Tom 's place a couple of times , while getting his visa for Japan at the Japanese embassy in Seoul . They also spent last Christmas together because Mark was having some huge visa issues . I think they even had a huge Festivus party where Mark aired all his grievances against the Japanese immigration policies . For the " something in our town " we took him to see Mount Aso . There is really nothing to see in Oita except for Park Place , the biggest mall this side of Kyushu . And yes , we did take him to see Park Place . There we ran into some of my students . I introduced them as , " my husband and a friend from Korea . " My students looked quite confused . Tom wanted to celebrate finally having money in Japan . Before he left Korea , Mark and I told him that getting non - Japanese bank cards and credit cards to work in Japan is very hard . But , he was running late when going to the airport in Korea and thought that he would just get some money at an ATM at Fukuoka airport . That did not work . He called his card company and they tried to help him , but the ATM he needed was not at the airport . He didn 't have any yen and could not even pay for a subway ride to the train station . He was stuck at the airport . Frustrated , he called me to tell me that he would just take another flight back to Seoul . That was when some lady , who overheard him talking to his card company earlier , handed him a 10 , 000 yen note ( equivalent to a hundred dollars ) . When Tom asked the lady for her address so that he could repay her later , she told him to , " just go to Oita , and later , do something nice for someone else . " For his next few days Tom had been calling his card company trying to figure this whole thing out . In the mean while , Mark and I paid for all his stuff . We weren 't sure if Tom would ever get any money in Japan . But , we didn 't care if he did . Tom had been so hospitable to Mark when they were in Korea earlier in the year . Then one day someone from the card company asked if Tom had tried the 7 - 11 ATM . We went out to try it , and it worked . Well , first Tom tried it and it didn 't work . Then he called the card company again and they thought about it and figured that Tom might have asked for more cash than the daily limit . After that it worked . Everyone put 1 , 000 yen ( ~ 10 bucks ) into their machine . Once it spat out a bunch of shiny balls into our baskets we started to play . Mark was the first one to lose all his money balls . He was out within 10 minutes of playing . I hovered the drain for about 30 minutes , then I was out . Tom - " I don 't know . That lady told me to hold this nob like so and tap this button like this . Balls just keep fallin ' out . " When Tom finally got tired of playing , or actually , when Tom started to lose , we stopped . We looked around for someone to help us turn in the balls . An employee ran over to us and poured his balls into a machine . It printed out a receipt . The lady pointed to another woman behind a counter . He gave the receipt to her . She handed Tom a red bean cake and a small case with some weird coins . Tom was delighted with his prizes . We were happy for him . Then a guy in uniform ran after us . We turned to look at him , wondering what was going on . I mentioned wanting to use the bathroom as we were walking out and thought that he was showing us where the facilities were . He took us through the casino and out a different door . There was no bathroom out that door , but he pointed to a little window . It looked like a teller 's window for a very shy clerk . All you could see was a pair of women 's hands . The uniform guy gestured for Tom to put his coin case through the window . The coins were taken and cold hard cash replaced it . Tom got 5 , 000 yen . He won actual money ! We went to the Itsukushima Shrine on New Year 's day . The shrine is on an island called Miyajima near the city of Hiroshima . It has an iconic gate where tourist gather to take photos . It is also a place where many religious Japanese go on New Year 's day to pray and ask god , or whoever for favors . It was beautiful and crowded ; so very crowded . We were just walking along one of the streets as the crowd of people gradually got thicker . We stood there for about 15 minutes slowly making our way forward when we realized that we were in a line for something . We had no idea what it was , but if this many people wanted to see it , it must be good . It ended up being the Itsukushima shrine itself . After this Mark and I and Tom split up . Tom wanted to take photos of things and Mark and I wanted to get some omiyage , or souvenirs , for our co - workers . It was nice , but because of the crowd we felt a bit intimidated . The Japanese are generally known for their politeness , but crowds are always the exception . We spend a lot of time hiding out in a nice , but highly overpriced well heated coffee shop . It was nice , almost empty , but the prices were steep . InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and call your bank toaskwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) There are 8 Hell Onsens . Seven of which , are within a walking distance from each other . The other two are a bus or car ride away . Please ask at the ticket counter for bus information . There are 2 Route 57 's . If you get on the wrong one it doesn 't matter . They both basically * go the same place . One is just more windy than the other . 2 . Take the boat from Peace Park . It costs 1 , 900Yen on way . But , don 't toss your ticket when you get to the island . When you show your old ticket you will get a discount for your return trip ( 1 , 500Yen ) . There are tons of temples on the island . Most of them up hills . Some up the mountain . There is even one , Sankido , that warships ogres . There are lots of deer just freely roaming the island . There are signs that say that they love to eat souvenirs and passports . That 's sounds implausible , but you never know . I knew there was going to be a total lunar eclipse . I read somewhere , Friday morning , that it would take place on Saturday morning . Mark and I planned to wake up early on Saturday to go out and see the eclipse . But we completely forgot about it and slept in . Then as we were having lunch on Saturday , we remembered . I felt so disappointed . I began to wonder when the eclipse had taken place . I went back to the article I had read earlier . It just said that it would take place on Saturday morning , but the article did not say where or give an exact time . Mark and I searched the internet . It was very frustrating because no one seemed to have a time and a place . One article would say evening another , early morning . One even went so far as to tell us the time in UT , but even after looking up " UT " on Wikipedia , I still had no idea what that meant for us living in Japan . Mark finally found an amateur astronomy website from Australia where everything was written clearly . We didn 't even have to do the time conversions or any thing . It even told us when the moon would be fully eclipsed , when the " un - eclipsing " would start , and how long the whole thing would last . And it turned out , as you can guess , we hadn 't missed a thing . I was a little kid the first time I saw a lunar eclipse . I was jumping all over the place with excitement , not so much for the moon 's impending trick , but because I got to stay up past 9 : 00pm . We had a huge patio in front our house and we all sat there with pillows looking up at the nights ' sky . I was amazed when the earth 's shadow started to move across the moon like my mom said it would . I never thought that something as big as the earth could have a shadow . I wanted to watch every second of the eclipse , but my amazement was not enough to counter balance the fact that I was a little kid and it was way past 9 : 00pm . This lunar eclipse I wanted see and take pictures of the eclipse 's 3 key stages . First Mark and I walked around our neighborhood to find the ideal spot . We picked a cemetery atop a hill nearby for its complete lack of lighting . Around 9 : 15pm we brewed several mugs of coffee , got a flash light , blankets , and pillows then headed to the grave yard . ( Well , there are no graves in Japan , … shrine yard ? ) We played around with the camera , taking long exposure pictures of ourselves as the moon disappeared . Well , turned darker then red . Even though I was suffering from a really bad cold , I had enough padding , hot coffee , and blankets that I felt quite warm . We were content to stay there the whole night , but it started to rain . We had to pack up and get indoors . I didn 't want to take the chance of getting sicker . Every half hour or so , we looked out the window to see if the moon had come out . Around 11 : 00pm we just went out anyway . The full eclipse was supposed to be half way through around 11 : 30pm and I didn 't want to miss it . We went back to the cemetery , but this time we took the car and one of our neighbors but forgot the coffee . The sky was very cloudy but we held to the hope of just a small break in the clouds big enough to snap a few pictures . We remembered where the moon was from last time and were checking around that area . Mark even joked about how funny it would be if the moon were behind us and cloud free the whole time . We all span around to look , just in case , but there was no moon . " How silly of Mark to say such a thing . " We waited and waited … and got tired . So we laid down , and looked straight up into the sky and right into the face of a blood red , unimpeded moon . " How long has the clouds over our heads been gone ? " We watched the sky until we saw earth 's shadow slowing start to creep away . Without hot coffee , we began to get cold and sleepy . The rain started again , so we went home . Mark and I stayed up a little longer after that to run out our front door , check on the moon , and take more photos . We fell asleep after the moon was back to shining at its maximum brilliance . I started this process in April when I showed up at a JAF center to get my license translated . I knew that around July all the new JET 's from last year with cars would need to get Japanese driver 's licenses when their international driving permits expire . I wanted to avoid the rush . But things in Japan are never straight forward . It took months to get all my senseless paper work in order . I first needed to drive through the practice course . To be allowed to do this I needed to find someone who has had a Japanese license for at least 3 years . That eliminated all my JET friends . The ones who have been here long enough , don 't drive . I needed to find a co - worker to help me . I hate asking my co - workers for stuff like this . They work so hard and are always busy . They usually work 2 or more Saturdays a month , whereas I never work on weekends , so I felt really bad asking this favor . But I needed to get my license . I would have to ask someone to give up a precious Saturday to drive around with me . So I asked my supervisor . We found one Saturday where we were both free . It was all the way at the end of May . He was a really busy man . I waited until the next time I was able to leave work early then drove over to Oita 's DMV to sign up for time in the practice car . At the DMV I ran into , David . another JET trying to get his license . There was a snag in his paper work . His passport was not proof enough that he had been in the states for at least 3 months after getting his license . You see , the US passport control does not stamp the passport of exiting US citizens . He had to come back later when he had some better proof . I tried to sign up for practice time , but I was told that I would probably fail if I practiced on my own . I was given the number of Mr . Yano . ( I have since lost his number . ) I was told to call him and he would teach me everything I needed to know and that he would take care of making the appointment . Mr . Yano 's help was a bit expensive , but this would mean that I would not have to steal a Saturday from my supervisor . So , I called Mr . Yano and met him one Saturday morning . He didn 't speak English fluently , but he spoke well enough . After spending 2 hours with Mr . Yano , I could see why most people fail this driving test . It 's really not a test about how well you drive ; you never leave this course , so who knows what kind of bat - out - of - hell driver you are ? They test how well you can remember and follow a bunch of silly instructions . On the first 2 curves of the course , you are not allowed to use your brakes . Mr . Yano said , " It 's dangerous to use the brakes on a curve . " But it was quite safe to use your brakes on all other turns on the course . I also had to break 3 times before really slowing down the car . This is supposed to be a warning for the person behind me that I am stopping . I guess my car slowing down and the brake lights aren 't big enough clues . I was told that hitting the curb on the S - turn part of the coarse was an automatic fail . It is better to back up many times . I just had to make sure to do a 5 - point yosh before going in reverse . What 's a 5 - point yosh ? Well , let me first explain what a yosh is . It is hard for the proctor to see what you have noticed while you are taking your test . So they make you say this word , which shows that you have noticed something . The 5 - point yosh is : Mr . Yano also pointed out that I might fail the test if I get my yoshes in the wrong order . When pulling into a lane I yoshed left then right . He said that I must yosh right then left . I also didn 't drive close enough to the curb in certain sections and not close enough to the middle of the road in others . I was taught , in the US to stay the hell away from either the curb or on coming traffic ; not so on a Japanese driving test . I showed up early and handed in all my documents . I used old credit card statements as proof that I was in the states for at least 3 months after getting my current Florida driver 's license . Luckily for me , Discover card keeps statement records for up to 7 years and will mail them to you for free once you request them . First I had to have an interview . The interviewer was a very friendly man , who spoke English well . He asked me questions about my driving test in the states . It was over before I realized that I was being evaluated . Everything went well and I moved onto the next step . The written test was made up of 10 questions . They were easy , but I missed some questions because I over analysed them , thinking that they were put on the test to throw me off . I managed to pass with no points to spare . Then it was time for the driving test . The proctor spoke no English at all . I yoshed my way into the car and yoshed all the way through the course . Half way into the test I realized that I was not paying attention to my hand positions while turning . Normally I turn hand - over - hand and sometimes I hold the wheel with my palm up for a better grip . These are a big no - no 's . I also notice many other mistakes that I had made , like not driving close enough to the curb . When I was done , I yoshed myself out of the car . I stood there awkwardly as the proctor sat in the car for about 3 minutes feverishly writing on my evaluation sheet . He got out and , without saying a word , motioned me to follow him . We got into an elevator and he began to ask me questions in Japanese . All I could say was , " Wa - ca - de - mas sen . " ( I don 't understand . ) We got out of the elevator and walked to waiting the area . He pointed to a chair and I took a seat . He disappeared into one of the offices and emerged behind the counter . He started talking to the ladies at the desk while still writing on my evaluation sheet . " Wa - ca - de - mas sen , Wa - ca - de - mas sen , Wa - ca - de - mas sen , " he said to the ladies while shaking his head . " No matter what I ask her , she says , ' I don 't understand ' " . I felt tired . I was at the DMV since 12 : 30pm and it was now almost 5 : 00pm . It had been a long day and I would have to do this again . Near the counter was a bus schedule and I looked at it . My international driver 's license would expire soon , and I might have to take the bus here to re - take this test . The guy who had interviewed me called me over . He was looking down at my evaluation sheet behind the counter as I walked over to him . " You know , sometimes miracles happen and one happened today . You passed ! " Since my license is new , even though I have been driving since I was 16 , I have to put these stupid " new driver " magnets on my car ; one in the front and one in the back . Usually , only 18 - year - olds have these . This is to let everyone know how inexperienced I am . The only good thing about the magnets is that no one is allowed to drive close to me or cut me off on the road . People still do , though . In fact the " new driver " magnets seem to bring out the jackass in most drivers . I get tailgated and cut off more now than ever . InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and callyourbanktoaskwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) You can buy a copy of the " Rules of the Road " book here , if you cannot find someone to lend it to you . You just need a quick read through this book . There is no need to really study it . If you 've ever been to Japan , chances are that you 've seen a pachinko parlor or two . They are everywhere , even in little boondock villages in the middle of swampy rice fields . They are always open and have plenty of parking . Many of them have little restaurants or cafes that serve food until late at night . I have gone into many pachinko parlors , but have never stayed longer than the time needed to use the bathroom . The machines are noisy . The people are very zombie like . Everything is written in Japanese . And the whole thing is very overwhelming . So when my neighbor , Brandy , offered to go with us and show us what to do , Mark and I jumped at the chance . We got in and sat down at some open machines . We each put in 1 , 000YEN into our machines and little silver balls came out . We put those balls back into the machine with hopes of getting more silver balls . Sometimes more balls came out , but more often none did . We ended up losing all our balls . Well , I kept one as a souvenir . We spent one hour playing pachinko , but many people spend half their lives there . I know I used to work in a place like this . When I lived in London I needed money to pay for my flight to Japan . It was the summer and my contract in Japan started in November . So I found a job working in the " arcade " in the picture above . It was a miracle that I got the job , because I showed up about an hour late for the interview . I somehow ended up at Victoria Station which was no where near where I needed to be . I managed to charm Wendy , the manager and was hired . ( I honestly think she hired me because she liked my American accent . ) The odd thing was that I thought I would be working in a gaming arcade . You know , the kind where little kids come in and spend all their coins . What it actually was , was a casino with only slot machines . It was a pretty easy job and I liked most of the customers . One day a guy came in and asked for " a cuppa " . Later I got to know him better and found him to be a fairly decent guy who wished to keep his anonymity . He asked to be referred to as " Ghosty " and he never wanted to talk about his life outside the arcade . But even on the first day I met him , I knew he was a bit strange . The people around me laughed . " You don 't put milk in tea dear , unless you 're Scottish . Oh Americans ! " said a lady not looking away from her machine . I stood there , completely confused . He asked for tea . I got him tea , just the way he asked for it . Then another one of the floor girls , as we were called , came by . She call me over . With her thick Polish accent she said , " Never give that man tea . " " I know , " she cut me off . " He comes in everyday and asks for tea , but he doesn 't want tea . He wants coffee . " " Who the hell knows ! But give him coffee with 2 sugars and a little milk . " As she went back to the break room she shouted under her breath while waving her hands , " These people are driving me crazy ! " She was joking … somewhat . Another day while I was on break at work , two of the floor girls came into the break room . " We need your help . You are a native English speaker ; talk to this woman . " My co - workers were from Poland and Estonia . I got up and went onto the floor . " Yes . But that lady doesn 't . She is Scottish . Her accent is too thick for me to understand . But I guess I could try again . " She then asked me how long I had lived in England . I told her that I had been in the country for over 2 years , but most of that time was spent in Manchester . I had a conversation with the Scottish lady in which I understood less than half of what she said and smiled and nodded through the rest . InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and callyourbanktoaskwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) Never ask where you can exchange the balls you 've won for cash . That would make it gambling , which is illegal in Japan . Instead just look for the nondescript place outside in the back where they exchange the balls for cash . This is how " gambling " works . Now when people think of Beppu they think of onsens . The city has an onsen on every block , just about . When you drive around in the winter you can see steam coming out of every other building in town . A few decades ago the city of Beppu was known for it 's sex industry . What exactly that means , I 'm not sure . Either there were tons of prostitutes walking the streets here , or it was more legitimized with massage parlors and " health spas " . Supposedly , the Sex Museum serves in remembrance of the old days . I was a little disappointed by the museum . It was very small . There was really nothing to learn . But most annoyingly , I couldn 't take many photos that I could post on Facebook . This was not my first sex museum . Remember Loveland on Jeju Island ? It was a very light hearted sex museum . There were many things to pose with , and take pictures of . Most of the naked people there were not real , and didn 't look real . It took a good few hours to see the whole of Loveland . Then there was another one I saw in China . It was small , but there were a lot of historical information . And like at Loveland , there wasn 't any real porn , just statues and props . The one in Beppu seemed more like a porn parade or some guys basement collection on display . There wasn 't much to this museum and many of the electronic dioramas didn 't work . Many of the manikins looked too real to post pictures of them on Facebook . Overall it was … meh . Some of the pictures came with a glass covering with sections of fogged glass . You could look around the glass by tilting your head if you want to see the graphic parts . If you don 't , like in the photo above , just line the fogged area up over the naughty bits . It started a few weeks ago when Mark and I read a friend 's blog entry . I will pause here and let you read the post , because her telling of the story is better than anything I can write . I will put a picture here so you don 't have to worry about the spoilers below . So , Mark will be heading to Korea soon and he will not be back for a month or two . So we decided to live it up , gastronomically , and treat ourselves to some sushi . Since we were going out for sushi , Mark wanted to try the fish that Megan had . At first Mark was disappointed because his fish wasn 't moving . It laid there with a stick through its head and tail , motionless . Mark ate his sushi wondering if he ordered the right thing . Half - way through his meal , the fish started its , well , death throws . There was no violent movement , but there was an obvious twitching . Overall the restaurant was great . In fact Mark and I are going back this Tuesday for dinner since Tuesdays are the cheapest nights to go . The sushi is only 90Yen per dish . You don 't really need to know how read to use the touch screen , because there are pictures for most things . But drinks are another matter . Drinks have no pictures . I was feeling thirsty and wanted some libations . I tapped on the drinks sections and scrolled through my options . I read like a 4 - year - old sounding out letters then putting them together Sesame Street style . I came across something that said メロン - something . " Melon ! Mark it says Melon ! " Mark was to busy sulking over his non - moving fish . But I was excited that my studying was finally starting to pay off . InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and call your bank to askwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) Last Monday I got a letter in the mail in Japanese . All I could understand on the page was 7 : 00am Saturday , October 9th . From this little information I knew what the letter was all about . Yard work . More precisely community yard work . The people in my apartment block get together once a month to cut the grass , rake , and tidy up our little part of Oita . If you can 't make it or don 't want to clean , you will be charged 1500JPY . We checked in a little before 7 : 00am and got a scythe each . Yup , we cut grass by hand here in Oita ! There is a weed wacker , but only one . So the rest of us have to go the low tech route . You grab a fist full of grass with one gloved hand and swing the scythe over with the other . It would be hard work , but we have very little actual grass around our apartment . It 's more like small strips of lawn here and there . After work we gathered together for a little community chat . All the announcements were lost on the American tenants , but we tried to look interested anyways . The whole thing from start to finish took 45 minutes . In case you are unfamiliar with AJET , let me tell you what it is . They are a group of voluntarily JETs who plan activities for English teachers in a given town , city , prefecture . They help combat boredom and get us foreigners to socialize . The day started out with Capture the Flag and progressed to other sports games like Kick Ball , and Multi - legged Races . One game we played called Vegetable Face Off , which had us pit two people against each other to see who could embody the essence of a given vegetable more . I still think I was cheated on my eggplant impersonation ! To end our day of sports , we all when to Kitahama Termas Onsen . It is one of a few co - ed onsens in town . Most onsens require bathers to be completely naked so therefore the sexes are separated . These type of onsens are also isolated and have no view . Sitting in a hot tub after a day of sports is a beautiful thing . There were pools with different temperatures of water . We kept going from really hot to cold to warm to really hot . It was amazing ! InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and call your bank toaskwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . As you may have noticed , I haven 't updated my blog in quite a while . It 's not because exciting stuff have stopped popping up in my life . NOoooOoo . In the past month , I 've moved to Japan , bought a car , got 2 new sets of co - workers , moved into a new apartment , … . well the list goes on . The main thing is that I moved … to a small city in Japan in the middle of rice fields . And I 'm still waiting for my internet at home to be connected . There 's a lot of red tape envolved in doing just about anything in Japan and the internet is no exception . Japanese technology is not at all what you think it is . Most stores do not accept credit cards . My bank card does not work all over Japan , in fact it only works in Oita - 県 ( 県 = Prefecture ) . There are vending machines everywhere , but they don 't sell much that I want to buy . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
by clairodon He sincerely loved to see me in diapers , it really turned him on . I began wearing them to excite him , walking around the warehouse in diapers under a shirt , which always led to great sex . And in the morning he loved to feel my heavy wet diapers and to help me masturbate in them . ……………… When I got out of the train it was almost evening . My first priority was to find a place to sleep . As in every town in the world there were a number of cheap looking hotels all around the station . I entered one in a side street that looked really cheap . The price was still much higher than I had expected but nevertheless I nodded that it was ok for me . The guy took out a register and asked for identification . I hadn 't expected that . I was afraid my mother had declared me missing - many years later I discovered she never did - and anyway I hadn 't brought any ID . Confused I mumbled I would come back and hurriedly left the dirty hotel lobby . I walked around a little , thinking what to do , until I found myself in front of an even sleazier looking place . Not having thought of any alternative I decided to try my luck again . The guy sitting at the reception desk was watching some TV show and looked at me in a distracted way . When I asked the price for a room I was surprised he gave me a price for an hour . I remember wondering who would take a room for an hour , and asked what the price was until 7 a . m . He looked surprised , but then said that in that case he could give me a room on the third floor that was cheaper . And when he asked for identification I told him my purse had been stolen . He didn 't seem surprised , asked to write my name and birthday on the registry card , had me pay , and then distractedly gave me a room key , before returning his attention to the show . I felt elated and proud . Without eating , but I was used to that , I went to sleep , putting a towel on the dirty mattress as protection in case . The next morning I woke up with wet panties , on a wet towel and a wet mattress . Luckily I had taken off my dress and shirt . Without washing I pulled on my clothes over my wet panties and left the hotel as soon as possible . Realizing my money was not going to last very long I began looking for a job , walking street by street looking for " help sought ' signs on bars and restaurants . Every time they would either look at me or tell me the place had been taken already , or ask for my age . When I told them I was 18 , they asked for identification . By nightfall I was desperate . I didn 't dare to go back to the hotel and after all the suspicious looks I had had that day I hadn 't the courage to try other hotels . That night I slept on the street . It was a nice summer night and I hided in a park before closing hour . I slept on a small grass pad behind some bushes , thinking how great it was to sleep under the opens sky , until … I got horribly cold . The third day of my " free " life the weather changed . Temperature had dropped and it began raining towards the end of the day . I entered a bar and sat there all evening wondering what to do . From time to time the barman would ask me what I wanted to drink , and told me I couldn 't just sit there without drinking anything . I ordered some cokes and some chips , and made them last . I was conscious I was attracting the attention of some of the guests but couldn 't decide what to do . Anyway the place got very crowded and loud , and I was sitting way back so after a while they forgot about me . At a certain moment I must have fallen asleep . The barkeeper woke me up at 3 a . m . announcing he was closing and I had to leave . I got up , half asleep , took my bag and asked how much I owned him . He looked at me and asked if I hadn 't a coat or something to cover me up . Looking outside I noticed it was pouring rain , and nodded no . The barman looked concerned and told me my consumptions had been on the house . I nodded gratefully and walked towards the door . The barman stopped me and offered me a plastic bag to cover me up , excusing himself he had nothing else . Again I nodded gratefully . When I went to the door I noticed there was still one guest , standing next to the exit , observing us . He was a huge man , with a big beard , a big red nose , sloppily dressed , but with kind brown eyes . As I wanted to pass him to brave the rain he put out his arm and stopped me . " Hey kiddy , you have no place to go to , do you ? " I stopped and nodded a no . " That 's what I thought . Well , we can 't let you go out in the rain and spend the night outside in that little dress of you , can we ? " I didn 't know what to answer , with tears welling up behind my eyes . " Oh we aren 't going to cry are we ? I live right behind the corner , my place is a dump , and I have only one mattress , but it will always be better than sleeping in the rain . Let 's go ! " I hesitated but he was already pulling open the door and pushing me in the rain . He began running , unsurely on his drunken legs , and I followed him . By the time we got to a small door in a back court I was soaked to the skin . The place was a kind of a warehouse , worse that what he had said . It was damp and stank of stale food and filth . Shivering from the cold in my wet shirt and dress I looked around and noticed a dirty mattress lying in a corner next to a sink and some shelves . My host noticed my shivering and picking an old sweat shirt from the floor he handed it to me and told me to take off my clothes . I hesitated but he smiled kindly : " Come on kiddy , I 'm not going to rape you . I 'm way too drunk for that . " I smiled too and without further hesitation I pulled my dress and shirt over my head . As I was standing in my underwear he came up to me holding a large dirty bath towel and began rubbing me very hard . Noticing my underwear was wet too he told me I should get rid of that too . A few minutes later I was sitting on a kind of a pouch wearing nothing but the huge sweater with a blanket covering my legs . He went to the shelves and came back holding a glass and a bottle of whisky in his hand . He poured me a large glass : " This will warm you up . " I had never drunk whisky , and I hated it . But he insisted and after finishing the glass I was not only warmed up but I felt much better too . He then showed me the mattress : " I take the right side . But I have to take a leak first " , and without further comment he walked off to the far end of the warehouse . When he got back I went to look in the same direction and found a dirty toilet . When I returned to the " living " area he was already asleep . Despite the whisky I didn 't sleep very well , too afraid I might wet the bed . In the early morning hours I got out of bed , went to the toilet again , and then looked for a shower or a bath as I hadn 't washed up in 48 hours . But except for the sink in the ' living " area and a small wash basin with only cold water next to the toilet there wasn 't anything . Not being a regular washer anyway , I limited my washing to wetting my face at the basin . I wanted to get dressed but my clothes were still quiet wet . I put on my panties - which were not dry but not wet either - and kept the thick sweater . All the time my host was sound asleep and after finishing my inspection I sat down to wait for him to wake up . Looking at him more closely I realized he was younger than I has thought , not much older than 30 I guessed , and quiet handsome . Watching him asleep gave me a peaceful feeling . As I was watching him he woke up . He sat up , revealing his broad hairy chest , and when he saw me looking at him gave me his warm smile : " Hi Kiddy , had a good sleep ? " He got out of bed , went to the sink , filled an electric kettle with water and put some instant coffee powder in a mug . He was wearing only his briefs - not too clean I noticed - and he looked even more imposing than when clothed . He dressed without washing and then sat down to drink his coffee : " Listen kiddy , you can stay here for a couple of days , but I can 't provide for you . I barely get around myself . So you 'll have to find a place . " Although not a surprise I was disappointed . I nodded to indicate I understood . Noticing my disappointment he asked if I had a job . And when I answered I didn 't , he asked my age . I told him I was 18 and he laughed heartily : " Sure ! But I guess you have no ID to prove that , do you ? " I didn 't answer . " Don 't you worry kiddy ! I have some friends who might need some help . I 'll ask around " He then watched his watch and told me he had to go . Standing up he looked at the way I was dressed and smiled : " I think that sweater suits you but I suppose you would prefer to change into something else ? ' When I answered my dress was still wet he laughed : " Sure , and with the change in the weather I think you 'll want something a little warmer . Go and have a look over there . " - He showed me a corner of his warehouse - " In those trunks you 'll find probably some clothes that will fit you . " Walking towards the door he added " Have fun discovering Ali Baba 's cave . " When he had the door handle in his hand he stopped and turning around he came back , and handed me a key : " Don 't forget to lock when you leave , and make sure to be here when I come back . " He was walking off again and I ran after him : " When are you coming back ? " He shrugged : " Don 't know . Let ' say not before the end of the afternoon . Got work to do , and to find you a job kiddy . By the way , my name is Lewis . " Realizing we hadn 't presented ourselves I told him my name was Katie . He smiled , and bending over he gave a kiss on my cheek : " Nice meeting you Katie . " I blushed and standing in the door watched him start up an old pick up truck and leaving . After he had left I opened the trunks he had indicated and discovered a huge collection of vintage clothes . I really had fun choosing and trying on a large number of outfits . I finally settled on a black and brown flowery print dress . It had a tight fitting top with two small braces , and a wide short skirt trimmed with lace . Wearing it with heavy brown boots , underneath a short black denim jacket , brought me back to my gothic days . It had stopped raining and I went out for a walk around the neighborhood to look for some food . When I got back I ate the things I had bought and then didn 't dare to go out again . It was only the beginning of the afternoon but I didn 't want Lewis to be locked out . I looked around and decided I might clean op the living quarters somewhat . That took me a couple of hours but II was proud of the result . As afternoon became evening I was impatient for my host to come home . Bored I decided to go back to the trunks with clothes and sorted out a number of outfits I might want to wear . I put everything back in the trunks but making sure the selected clothes were on top . When it became dark and Lewis was still not there I decided to go to sleep . Having left the door unlocked I didn 't feel safe but did doze off . I was barely half asleep when he irrupted in the warehouse . He woke me up to announce me I had a job . I would start the next day . When I wanted to know more he said he was too tired and would explain the next morning . Taking off his clothes he fell down on his side and a second later he was snoring . I barely had gotten him to tell me at what time I had to get up . For the third night in a row I barely slept . To the fear of wetting , I added the fear of not waking up in time . The next morning at the designed hour I woke him up and he explained me it was a cleaning job in a place where at night people came to drink and to dance . He commented me on my looks - I was wearing the black and brown vintage dress of the day before - and I realized it was not the most appropriate way to dress to go cleaning . I wanted to change but he told me I was fine and shouldn 't be late on my first day . He explained me how I would get there and went back to sleep . It was easy to find and I got there a little early after a 20 minute walk . The place was a huge warehouse that I had to clean all by myself . If the actual hall was discouragingly big , - covered with ashes , cigarette butts , spilled drink , and an occasional condom behind some pillar - the worst were the toilets : Piss , vomit , and even shit , were everywhere . I barely managed not to vomit myself , but after 4 hours I was done . I went upstairs and found the loft where my employer lived . He came down to inspect my work , said it was all right and gave me my wages - $ 30 - telling me I was expected there at the same time the next day . As I walked " home " I felt great having earned my first money ever . On the way I bought a bottle of cheap wine . When I got to the warehouse Lewis was sitting in bed reading a book with his coffee mug next to him . I gave him the bottle " in thanks for all he had done for me . " Saying I was welcome he got out of bed , again wearing nothing but his briefs - I couldn 't help staring at the large pack in them - , and almost opened the bottle . But changing his mind he suggested it would be nicer to keep it and have it at night , on what I agreed . He dressed and said he had to go . Looking at his key he decided we should agree on a hiding place for it outside so that we were not obliged to wait for each other all the time . A few moments later we had agreed on the place and leaving me with the key he left . Again with the door handle in his hand he turned around : " Oh thanks for cleaning up this place . You know what , to thank you I will take you out for dinner tonight . How about that ? " and before I could react he was off . He got home in the late afternoon . We opened the bottle of wine and finished it . Then as promised he took me to a small Puerto - Rican place where we had a simple but tasty meal , empting another bottle of wine with it . When we got home we were both tipsy . He lighted a joint which we smoked together . When we decided it was time to go to bed and he was standing with his bare torso next to me I couldn 't resist stroking his hairy breast . He smiled , kissed me on my lips , but then gently pushed me away : ' Time to sleep kiddy " . When he pulled down his pants I again couldn 't help looking at the pack inside his briefs . Before I knew what I was doing I walked over to him and cupped his things in my hand . This time he didn 't push me away . That night I lost my virginity . I fell asleep happier than I had ever been . I had left my witch of a mother barely 4 days ago and I had found a place to stay , a job , and a boyfriend . I felt happy and , for the first time in my life , proud . The next morning when I woke up reality catched up : I woke up all wet , covered in blood , and … in piss . The mattress was soaked . Lewis was sound asleep and when I looked at the time I realized I was already late for work . I dressed in a hurry - I had selected black army pants several sizes too big and a sleeveless camouflage shirt as a more appropriate way to go cleaning - and left without waking up Lewis . Walking back home I felt horribly ashamed of what had happened and afraid for Lewis ' reaction . He was not there when I arrived and when I entered I found everything as when I left , the mattress with the huge wet stain sitting in the middle of the room . Anxiously I waited for him to come home , but again afternoon became evening and then night and he was still not there . I found a big plastic sheet which I put over the wet spot and tried to get to sleep . When he finally entered and saw me lying on a cold plastic sheet he came over and kneeled next to me : " Poor girl . What did I do to you ? " I put my arms around him and cried . And … we made love again . When ready to go to sleep he took away the plastic and turned the mattress over . I went asleep lying in the arms of someone for the first time since my father died . But don 't expect this to become a fairy tale . That night I pissed all over Lewis . We woke up all wet and this time he was annoyed to say the least . He asked me if I did that often and all ashamed I told him I did . He turned the mattress over again and the other side not being dry yet , covered it with a heavy blanket , and we went to sleep again . Next day when I got back from work he was waiting for me and excused himself for his coarse reaction that the night . On his insistence I admitted I had been a very regular bed wetter all my life , but telling him nothing about the humiliations I had been subjected to on the part of my mother and her friends . He asked me how I coped with it and I said , more or less truthfully , that I always slept on a plastic mattress cover . He shuddered at that idea . But then he was off again on one of his daily rounds . By then I knew he lived from buying and selling junk . People would sometimes come by to sell or buy stuff , or he would get phone calls from people who wanted him to come by and pick up some stuff . When he was broke - which was most of the time - and he couldn 't buy anything , he would do rounds through the streets randomly picking up anything that was not fixed . Later I learned that he also was known to take care of " hot ' " stuff . That evening Lewis got home somewhat earlier than the previous days . I had just gotten ready for bed , wearing the big sweater of the first night over my panties . He seemed good humored , announcing he had a present for me . I looked up in anticipation and he blindfolded me telling me to wait . He went out again and when I was told to take off the blindfold he had placed a big pack of disposable diapers in front of me . I wanted to die ! Seeing my horrified look he began telling me how much more comfortably I would feel going to bed knowing I was not going to wet the bed . I was not ready to tell him about my relationship with diapers so I just whispered " I don 't want diapers , I don 't want diapers ! " He looked very annoyed , telling me if I didn 't do it for myself I could at least do it for him . This argument made me even more ashamed but I knew he had a point . I said softly that I would wear them for him , and standing up , I opened the pack of diapers . He had a guilty but relieved smile . I took a diaper out of the pack , unfolded it on the mattress , took off my panties and , pushing up the sweater , sat down on the diaper and fastened it . When I looked up my eyes met his and he gave me the sweetest smile ever . Coming over to me he pulled me up , took me in his arms , and putting his hand on my bottom he whispered that I was the sexiest girl in the world . And I knew he was sincere . And soon afterwards I got to know the dark side of my boyfriend . Lewis had a horrible temper . I never quiet knew what provoked it . Over time I learned to notice the signs of an upcoming scene which helped me often to get out of harm 's way in time . But the causes of his tantrums remained always somewhat of a mystery . Of course it was related to pressure . Lewis always owned people money and his creditors were no choir boys . But most of the time he managed without getting stressed . I knew that abuse of substances played a big role . He was often drunk but alcohol usually had a soothing effect on him . He used all kind of drugs , - over time he introduced me to most of them - and the combination of stress , with certain drugs and alcohol made an explosive mixture . His verbal aggression was as bad as my mothers . He would call me stupid , an idiot , a piss baby . All the things my mother used to call me . The big difference however was that afterwards he always felt sorry . After each scene we had great reconciliation and consolation moments . Those moments of great emotion and happiness more than made up for the bad moments . But maybe as important in my acceptance of his transgressions was that he helped me bare with my handicap and my diapers . He sincerely loved to see me in diapers , it really turned him on . I began wearing them to excite him , walking around the warehouse in nothing but diapers under a shirt , which always led to great sex . And in the morning he loved to feel my heavy wet diapers and to help me masturbate in them . I wore my diapers provocatively to please him , but at the same time I felt horrible doing so . Even as he was whispering in my ears what a sexy baby I was , I felt ashamed . And when I woke up with my wet diapers and he introduced my hand in my plastic pants I felt degraded . So as I said , our love story was not a fairy tale . We were poor , living in a dump , often went hungry , seldom washed - especially not in winter because the warehouse was hardly heated and there was no hot water . And I was 16 years old living with a guy double my age . We were living at the margin of society . Although we were no junkies - we never touched crack or shot cocaine because Lewis called those dangerous - both of us were using all kind of drugs . No junkies , but addicts yes , although at the time we denied it . Whenever Lewis got some money - usually when he sold some stolen goods - we would be stoned for several days in a row . Of course I lost my job when on a couple of occasions I hadn 't shown up . As I was handing all the money I earned - my mother 's money was gone since long - to Lewis to help him pay for drugs and other expenses , he got into one of his tantrums , calling me too stupid to even hold a simple cleaning job . As he refused to pay for my food , and even threatened to throw me out if I couldn 't pay for myself , I looked desperately for a job . Knowing that it was very difficult to find people willing to clean the alternative rave places , I went to all of them . But all the owners knew each other and my reputation as unreliable closed all doors . Until I had an inspiration : I offered to come during the night and to keep the toilets clean through the night , for free , asking only voluntarily contributions from the clients . Sometimes I would be too tired or too stoned to put on my protection and would piss the bed all under . On those occasions Lewis would get mad as hell . He would press me with my face in the wet mattress , call me degrading names worse than my mother , and have me sleep on the cold floor as he turned the mattress and went back to sleep . Once when I tried to resist him from pushing me with my face in the mattress he beat me up . From that moment I began taking regular beatings , and not only on those rare occasions that I wet the bed . The next day he would feel horribly guilty , would ask me to forgive him and would buy me nice presents or take me out for dinner ( paying with the money I had given him ) . He would be so charming and so sincere , that every time I would fall for him again . One day my charming boyfriend came home in a more than usual somber mood . One of his criminal creditors had threatened him with breaking his legs if he didn 't pay up his debt . I knew the guy as he had been in the warehouse on several occasions and I shared Lewis view that this might not be an idle threat . Lewis looked at me for a while in silence and then said the gangster had offered him another way out . He would cancel his debt if I would go and work for him for a couple of months . I looked at Lewis not understanding , how could I , a bathroom attendant , earn enough of money in a couple of months ? Lewis looked at the floor and then explained I would have to work in a bar entertaining guests . Even after almost one year " in the world " I was still naïve : " Entertain ? How entertain ? " Lewis got nervous : " Well how do you think ? Sleep with them , ok ? " The first weeks I was reserved for " special clients " . I didn 't have to work the room , but stayed behind the bar pouring drinks and washing glasses , dressed in shorts and a shirt knotted over my small breasts with a bare belly . Word was spread that I was the 14 year old - horny - niece of one of the doormen , doing a summer job . For a good price I could probably be persuaded to join a gentleman in a private room . But of course after doing that every night for a few weeks everybody realized I was a whore just like the others . From then on I had to wait tables and try to sell my services to at least 3 clients a night . The " couple of months " became almost half a year because the bar provided me , and Lewis , with drugs , which were of course deducted from what I earned . Working as a whore affected me more that I would admit . I thought what I did was repulsive and feared that Lewis , knowing I was having sex with all kind of men , would be repulsed too , and stop wanting me . But it didn 't seem to bother Lewis at all . He was even more relaxed and caring than usual . The fact that I systematically provided for our drug needs helped I guess . When after 6 months Lewis ' debt was finally paid we had a little celebration . The question of what we were going to do now came up . Of course the prospect to go back to my job as a filthy bathroom attendant didn 't appeal . Lewis told me not to worry he would come up with something . Two days later he came home with a " friend " . The 3 of us chatted for a couple of minutes , and then suddenly Lewis got up and put on his coat : " I see the two of you get along quiet well . I 'll just give you some privacy then . " , and before I realized what was going on he had left . From then on my boyfriend became my pimp , bringing in clients on a regular base . Of course receiving them in a filthy , damp , warehouse , wasn 't attracting the best paying clients , but at least I didn 't have to clean shit . One day when I was already sleeping Lewis came in with a client and he made me get out of bed . I was wearing only a short shirt over diapers and plastic pants . I could have killed Lewis for making me do that , but fearing his reaction I came out from under the sheet . The client was immediately all excited by what he saw and Lewis eclipsed immediately . At that time I used a large bath towel as a diaper , fastened with safety pins in the old fashioned way , underneath large plastic pants . The client made me sit on his lap , and introducing his hand in my plastic pants noticed my diaper was still dry . He asked me to wet them . I stood up but didn 't succeed in doing what he asked . Saying we had time , he took a bottle of water and having me sit on his lap again , made me drink the whole bottle . About an hour , and 1 , 5 liter of water , later , I succeeded in really wetting the diaper . This time he was satisfied with the heaviness of the diaper , took the plastic pants off , and made me lie down on the mattress . He then unpinned the diaper and then did it while I was lying on the wet diaper . He became a regular , and we soon understood what excited him and how to get him to pay an ever higher price . The last year and a half I had been clothing myself with stuff I found in Lewis ' magic crates . By then I knew exactly what was in it , and helped by Lewis , I found the right outfits and props to satisfy the specific sick wishes of our new client . One of the outfits we which I scored best was a white communion dress . The dress was designed to fall ankles length for a 12 year old . When I tried it on , and being extremely slim I did fit in it , it fell somewhat below the knee , but I shortened it to half knee length . It fastened with a row of white buttons in the back , fitting tightly , pressing flat my small breasts . It had a big white bow in the waist , short balloon sleeves and a small round collar . I wore it with knee high white socks , light blue Mary Jane shoes and a white tiara in my hair . Underneath I wore diapers and plastic pants - I made sure those were quiet wet when our special client arrived - and I carried a baby doll in my arms . He would ask me over and over again to wear that outfit . The first time I proposed to go for a walk dressed in such an outfit he refused vehemently , looking quiet frightened . But after a while he got used to the idea , and then would pay a fortune - or what Lewis and I considered to be a fortune anyway - for that privilege . He was a sick pedophile of course , but at least he was always kind , and I always thought that maybe I kept him from hurting even younger kids . Some of the other clients were much worse . When our last money was gone , which was all the time , Lewis would bring in some old , dirty , tramp , stinking of cheap alcohol , whom I had to pipe for a couple of bucks . Or the violent gangsters to whom he paid his debts by having them have their way with me . One of them beat me just for the fun of it , making me sit on my knees to plead him to stop . |
After Steve 's remark , Kayla 's eyes grew wide at his gall . " You 're incredible , you don 't have a clue do you ? You know there are people at the emergency center who need me . My brother is having problems . My sister 's baby has been kidnapped , I don 't need to waste my time on people who don 't care . " Steve 's bruises actually shook when Kayla slammed the door . Now that she was gone , his sleazy grin disappeared while his body sagged . Her parting words to him were more affective than she probably realized . He shook his head trying to clear it , to clear away the guilt he felt for treating her like that . Why did he do it ? Acting like a jerk was second - nature to him , but usually he knew how to bury that desire when the situation called for it . Especially when someone was actually being nice to him . But being around Kayla , it was like he had no real control of his actions . Steve sighed feeling incredibly tired . Treating Kayla like this now was really a rotten thing to do . She stayed with him all night , and took care of him . The way she was able to handle ALL his injuries , including the patch , made him shudder . Kayla was really not like any woman he had ever met . And that difference made it all the more harder to try to be himself with her . Coming in contact with her had the oddest effect on him . Steve was not a man to use fancy words , but Kayla really was intoxicating . There really was no better way to describe it . Steve walked over to the mirror to get a good look at himself . His injuries didn 't hurt as bad as he played to Kayla , but they still hurt like hell . Looking at himself and seeing the newly formed bruises practically glow in his dimly lit rathole he called an apartment , he gritted his teeth . He used to think he was ugly before , that damned patch practically covering his whole face , but now he knew what a real monster looked like , because there was one in the mirror 's reflection . Steve looked down and saw his harmonica in it 's normal resting place . He picked it up and started to play a sad song to match his mood , but Kayla 's face from a few days ago came to his mind . He had asked her to close her eyes so he could play for her but she wouldn 't do it . She stared back at him with such intensity that it actually stopped him playing . That memory kept him from playing now . Steve laid down again and contemplated what he could do . Kayla made a declaration for him to think about someone else for once . He snorted at how funny it was that since he met her , he thought about her all the time . But that wasn 't what she meant and he knew it . Her family was going through a lot right now . Marlena was in a coma , Bo ditched them to hang out with his newly discovered richer father and did she say her nephew was now kidnapped ? Steve shook his head . From what little he knew of Kayla , she probably took all their problems to heart and was trying to help each one of them . Surely there was something nice he could do for her . Let her know , that he was capable of thinking of someone else and give her a little joy . Not sure what he had in mind , Steve got up and put on his blue jean vest . He walked up the steps , trying to remember to take it slow . He wasn 't sure how much energy he had , especially since he wasn 't even sure what the hell he was going to do , but he knew just the place to start . " I just don 't understand , Bo ! This is your family ! " Hope said as they stood near the bar . Bo and Hope had been standing in Shenanigans for 20 minutes , waiting on their order to be finished so they could take it and go . Bo rubbed his temple , his mind reeling about going over the same argument with Hope over and over , " Victor is my family too . This is very important to him . " Hope rolled her eyes . Victor had made arrangements to host a dinner party at his home the next evening with some important out of town guests . Hope had no idea who these people were , and highly doubted they were anyone she wanted to spend time with . Bo had agreed that the both of them would attend but that was before all the current issues with his other family , his REAL family , had started . She couldn 't believe he was being so stubborn about this . " He can 't . These people can 't rearrange their schedules at the last minute . A lot of time and effort has been put into this . Look , I know … " he sighed . He was getting a headache and needed some fresh air , " Let me know when the food is ready . I 'll wait outside . " Hope called after him but he was already out the door . She was tired too . They were picking up some food to take to the hospital for Roman who hadn 't left Marlena 's side . It was the least they could do , but even this small gesture was obviously making Bo uncomfortable . Sometimes she didn 't think she really knew her husband . " What 's wrong with Little Vic ? " Hope sighed as she turned to face Steve . She was about to reply with a snide comeback but when she saw his face , concern and curiosity got the better of her , " Steve ! What happened ? " " This is for Roman , Steve . " Hope said . " Bo and I are headed over to the hospital and we knew he probably hasn 't eaten . So if you will excuse me . . " Steve managed to hold back the deer in headlights look , " Yea , you did . She had to check out my injury . You know , the one I got from saving your husband . " " I don 't mean it to sound like that . I 'm just saying she isn 't used to guys who sometimes have a hidden agenda . She thinks everyone has a good heart underneath . " " No , " Hope said not realizing how bad this sounded , " I just mean … Kayla is used to a guy who treats her for the sweet , special person she is . She 's used to guys being nice , treating her nicely . You know , bringing her flowers , candy and not treating her like she 's going to be the next notch on his bedpost . " Steve felt the air leave his gut at that one . Hearing Hope say that hurt almost as much as the hits he took the day before . When he looked back up she was gone so Steve sat at the bar . Before he knew it , he asked for a drink . Britta was a name he hated to hear . He still had dreams about her but lately those dreams were fading . Fading very quickly . Instead of longing for her , all he felt was bitterness . He was such in deep thought , he didn 't realize how long the drink had been sitting in front of him . Bringing the glass to his lips , he thought again of Kayla and before he knew it , he had a grin on his face . But Hope 's words came back She was the last person he would hurt now . He cringed thinking how he had terrified her in Cleveland . This woman who put his own problems before her own . And Hope was wrong . He didn 't want to date her . Kayla wasn 't his type . Britta was , that was for sure . She was the love them and leave them type but Kayla would want him to stay forever . He didn 't want that . He just wanted … he wanted … Hearing Hope 's voice in his head , Steve suddenly had an idea . Flowers would do ! He couldn 't believe such an obvious gesture didn 't pop in his mind before . Checking the time , he realized it was later than he thought and decided he better head over to the flower shop now . Steve walked into the florist shop , by this time he had been up all day and walked across town . He was hobbling pretty badly but managed to walk through the door standing up straight . . He didn 't know why he couldn 't just put this off until tomorrow but something was driving him to get it done as quickly as possible . " May I help you ? " Steve looked at the woman across the counter . Steve got the direct impression she didn 't think he was here for flowers . It could be because of the stricken look on her face or the way she kept looking at the security camera . Maybe it was the way her right hand was stretched far up under the counter as if to press an alarm . Knowing he didn 't have time to mess with the woman , he slowly walked up , " Hi . " " May I help you ? " she repeated . It took Steve a second to realize her assumptions , and one quick glance in a nearby mirror told him he couldn 't blame her for it , " No , um , no . It 's for … it 's not for that ! It 's for a lady . " Steve felt his cheeks flush . He couldn 't believe it . It 's like he was a teenager , " No , she 's not . She 's just … " Steve contemplated this . Kayla might like getting the flowers in public . Plus , if she thought they came from him , any rage might be squelched and she wouldn 't throw them , say , at his head . He nodded and smiled , " That sounds good . When can you deliver them ? I know it 's kind of late . " " Let me check our schedule . We have gotten used to delivering them at certain times for certain businesses . We can have it delivered about 2 pm tomorrow . " Steve 's eye grew wide when he thought he could show up when they arrived . He could see her face for himself before she knew they were from him . Again , in case they didn 't make up for his earlier behavior . Agreeing , Steve handed the woman money and told her Kayla 's name and the address to the emergency center . He was just about to leave when she stopped him . " Sir ? " The lady couldn 't help it . She laughed . He was actually pretty cute . He was so obviously nervous . She reminded him , " You need to fill out the card . " Steve felt his face flush again . He cursed under his breath for that . He didn 't understand what was wrong with him . He took the card and she gave him a pen to write down his thoughts . " Um , right , " Steve said . He stood for a long time staring at the card . Everything that popped up in his mind seemed like the wrong thing to say . " To a real Sweetness . " " You are an Angel of Mercy . " He attempted to write , " I 'm not good with words . . " then scribbled it out . Then he realized what he had done and looked up at the woman who was watching him , the earlier fear in her eyes replaced with amusement . She smiled and wrote it down . The telephone rang as she wrote the last word and she told him she would be just a moment . Steve didn 't really want to stick around . Besides he was really hurting by now and wanted to just get home and rest . Tomorrow he would get to see her reaction . Before walking in , Steve checked his watch . It wasn 't two yet , but he had gotten at the clinic early in case they arrived early . He knew he could find an excuse to stay , once he was around Kayla it was easy to think of excuses to stay . The best part was he didn 't need one to stop by , his bandage needed changing . Feeling oddly giddy , he opened the door and walked in . He opened it to a room full of people . He had never seen the center this busy . Was it understaffed ? A moment of panic crept through Steve 's heart as he worried Kayla might actually be off that day . He calmed though the moment he caught sight of her . " Afternoon , Sweetness , " Steve beamed . Kayla stopped , mentally flinching at the sound of his voice . She still was angry at him from the day before . " What are you doing here ? We are really busy today . " " Sit down ! " Kayla said annoyed . She walked away to check on another patient . She had to count to ten when she heard Steve call behind her he would be waiting . Steve sat down feeling dejected . He almost banged his head on the wall for the stupidity of his behavior . He reminded himself that sending her the flowers was to get her mind off her troubles . Buttering her up with offending remarks before they arrive probably won 't make her accept them any easier . The next few minutes took forever as Steve sat as patiently as he could , trying to get glimpses of Kayla as she walked back and forth . She was ignoring him . Steve sat , trying to keep his mind occupied but he couldn 't help but notice the kid next to him had tried to eat a sucker he had dropped on the floor . Steve managed to stop him before he put it back in his mouth again . Before he knew it , the mother snatched the sucker away from Steve , looking at him like he had wrestled it out of the kid 's hand and started sucking it himself . Steve jumped up quickly and decided to stand over by the receptionist desk . He noticed his Snuggle Bunny wasn 't there working . Actually no one was behind the desk . No one answered , so Steve decided to look for Kayla to ask her . Finding her finishing up with a patient in the back , he grinned , " Hey , Sweetness ! Shouldn 't you have … " Kayla stopped him . That 's all she needed were the patients hearing harmonica music from the back . Realizing that just seeing him now would be easier than risking offending all their patients , she told him to just go ahead and sit down . Rolling her eyes , she walked over to him as he took his shirt off . She noted he was moving easier than before but it was obvious he was still in pain . Looking over his bruises on his chest and face , Kayla fought the urge to say anything about how bad they looked . The last thing he needed was sympathy . Looking at his back , she checked his bandage and was pleased to see it looked good , all things considering . She took it off and replaced it with a fresh one . Once she was done , she realized something and turned towards Steve . Steve , who had been trying to think up something clever but not offensive to say was surprised by the question . He shrugged , " Yea , everything is good . Why ? " Steve took a gulp . The flowers were there . It was about time . It was past two . He heard some gasps from patients about the beauty of the roses . Peeking out to the waiting room , he found Kayla with her back to him reading the card . He held his breath . Suddenly he was glad all these people were there . That vase would not go well with his bruises . To his relief and joy , Kayla smiled and said something he couldn 't hear but then she followed up with how beautiful they were . Then he was sure he heard , " He shouldn 't have . " Grinning , Steve stood up straighter , this was going much better than he expected . Steve looked at Kayla and then the flowers . He suddenly felt very tired and foolish . He glared at the flowers . Why would she think Chris sent them ? His curiosity asked , " Those are from Chris you said ? " Kayla turned and looked at him . She knew the minute he had walked up behind her . She could always sense him near her like that . Interpreting the look on his face as guilt , Kayla said , " They are . I mean , there was no name on the note , but what he said is basically what he told me the other night . " Kayla had stopped before repeating what Chris had said . She was angry at Steve and he could really push her buttons but she hated to be venomous to him . Judging by his face , he was obviously upset anyway , but why was he upset now ? She heard him mumble , " No name on the card . " Steve looked at Kayla . He had forgotten to have the florist put his name down . Then he remembered what Hope said . She never expected a guy like Steve , no Patch , to send her anything like this . This brought out a laugh from him , he realized this was the second time he tried to give her flowers . The other time he had stolen them . She wasn 't fooled as he had left the name of the Chinese restaurant clearly on the bouquet . Now he does send her flowers , but it doesn 't even occur to her they could be from him . Not wanting to cry , Steve began to laugh instead . Kayla 's eyes narrowed . Now this was more like the Steve she knew . " Well , Steve , I see you find it amusing . That 's fine . I think we are done here . Let 's see if we can take better care of ourselves . " Watching him stomp out , Kayla shook her head . She fought the desire to look through the window at him , making sure he was ok . She checked the clipboard to see who was next , and she called the patient 's name . Looking back at the roses , she did admit they were beautiful but she worried why Chris would send them to her . She hoped he wasn 't looking to get back together . Chapter 5 Kayla was walking by the river docks on her way home , carrying the rose bouquet with her . She was troubled because the more she thought about it , the less she liked Chris sending her the flowers . She was hoping because they were yellow roses , where yellow signified friendship , he didn 't mean anything else by it . But what if he did ? Kayla had wondered if she would get back with Chris when she came back to Salem . He was her first … well her real first . But the breakup was enough to send her to Cleveland , saying goodbye to her home , Salem . She knew when returning , there might be a chance there were some lingering feelings with him still . Now that she had been back for a couple of months , she knew it was really over . She had hardly thought of Chris since saying initial hellos . He had suggested a few friendly dinners and she was fine with it , but knew it couldn 't be more than that . She just hoped the flowers were just a thank you for helping Steve . The name of Steve Johnson made her pick up her pace . Sometimes just thinking about him made her so angry . What was it about him that could push her buttons so easily ? And more importantly , what was it about him that made her feel drawn to him . Not drawn to him . She wasn 't drawn to him , she mentally corrected . It was more like , just fascinated . He was so different than any other man she had met . His usual attitude irritated her but sometimes she could swear there was a look on his face that told her he didn 't mean it . And though she wished he would have at least thanked her for personally nursing him instead of making the unsavory remarks she got instead , she knew she would never forget what was under his patch . And the fear he had for her to see that vulnerability . How can a man get such a wound ? Kayla nodded . Deciding she could ask Hope her opinion , Kayla asked , " Yeah , I 'm wondering something . I first thought he sent them for friendship . He can be really sweet like that . But now I worry … do you think he wants something more ? " Judging by the look on Kayla 's face , Hope knew the answer before her sister - in - law answered , " No , I don 't . I admit I wondered when I first came back if there was anything still there , but … it 's over . But I was going to go over to Shenanigans and thank him . I just don 't know if I should be prepared to simply thank him or let him down gently . " Kayla let her read it , and then she filled her in on how Chris found out Kayla was helping Steve the other night . On hearing about Steve , Hope became very interested . She asked , " You nursed Steve 's wounds ? " Kayla , suddenly very interested in the flowers , said , " Well , he was … he was hurt really badly . He needed medical attention . He refused the hospital , what was I supposed to do ? " Hope watched Kayla . Her friend was acting very strange now that they were talking about Steve . The brunette said , " You know , I saw him yesterday . He looked pretty bad . I asked him about it but he wouldn 't admit where he got them . " Kayla 's eyes narrowed , " Not to me either . Who knows what he got into ? He came by the clinic today . He was acting … well , he was acting like himself until these flowers arrived , then he got upset . " Hope thought about the card . There had been no name . Remembering what she told Steve yesterday about how Kayla should be treated , she had a good idea what had gotten Steve upset . But she couldn 't be absolutely sure that Steve had sent the roses or if Chris did . Not certain how Kayla would react if Steve had sent them , Hope decided to attempt to be subtle . Kayla listened , she wanted to ask more . Hope knew a lot more about Steve than she would say . Before she could do so , Hope said , " Well , I have to get to the market . I 've got … some errands there . " Hope , trying to sound indifferent , " I saw there was no name on the card . It wouldn 't hurt to make sure it was Chris , you know ? They could tell you . " Hope said , " Well , it can 't hurt to ask . Isn 't the florist on your way to Shenanigans ? " At Kayla 's nod , Hope went on . " Besides , if it was Chris maybe the florist can tell you in what way he sent the flowers . " Hope watched Kayla leave . She hoped she did the right thing . Steve wasn 't someone she was absolutely sure she could trust to always do the right thing , but he wasn 't a bad guy either and maybe Kayla was just the right person to help him with that . Kayla arrived at the florist shop . She had already been home , changed , and made sure the roses had plenty of water . On the way over , he mind went back and forth over Chris wanting to possibly be more than friends and what Hope said about Steve . Both thoughts were making her nervous and she didn 't understand why . At least , she didn 't understand why when thinking about Steve 's hard life she would become so sad for him . Kayla smiled at the florist . She seemed helpful . The flowers were beautiful ! Oh , she was going to have to remember to get some , but now wasn 't the time . The lady smiled . She remembered Steve but of course didn 't know his name . Shaking her head , she said , " I 'm sorry , he didn 't leave his name . He came in , and ordered the flowers and paid in cash . " Kayla was silent . She felt the blood drain from her face . Steve ? Steve Johnson ordered them ? But he had been there when they came . Kayla now comprehended why Steve left the way he did because she had mistakenly assumed they were from Chris . The woman smiled , " Yes , he did . I feel so bad when he first walked in because … well I thought he was going to be … well , I didn 't treat him right . But he was really nice . Actually he was so cute about the whole thing . He kept trying to come up with what to say on the card . He messed up and I wound up writing it for him . " Kayla , feeling very warm , knew she needed air . Walking towards the door , she said quickly , " Thank you , that is … thanks . Um , I 'm glad … you have been very helpful . " Kayla looked up at Steve 's door from the bottom of the stairs . Her mind was reeling since finding out that Steve had sent the flowers . Kayla 's face burned thinking of how she acted earlier . The guilt Kayla felt was unbearable , but it was also matched by an equal amount of confusion . Knowing the flowers were from Steve made a huge difference to the way she looked at them . She rushed right over here after the florist informed her it was Steve , but her first desire was to go back and look at them again . In her haste to leave the shop , Kayla had forgotten to ask if it was Steve 's idea for the roses or the florist herself . And to hear the lady talk about Steve like that gave Kayla a weird feeling in her heart . She used words like " nice " and " cute " which were not something Kayla had ever heard used in reference to Steve . Looking up at the door now , she was wondering how to go about apologizing to him . She knew when he left the clinic that something was wrong , and there was no doubt in Kayla 's mind there was real hurt in his face . Kayla blinked when she realized she was standing in front of the door . She hadn 't remembered even climbing the steps . Standing there , music was coming from inside the apartment , no doubt Steve playing his harmonica . Hearing the sad song , Kayla hated to think she might be the cause of it . Knocking on the door , Kayla held her breath . Hearing the music stop , she waited for Steve to open the door . She was very nervous , more now than she was the first time she stopped by his place to check his head injury . That time she was returning the favor , checking on him after he saved Bo 's life . Now , she was going to admit she was wrong and have to thank him and apologize . There was no telling how Steve was going to behave . She knew what she wanted to say but that wasn 't the problem . Knowing what you wanted to tell Steve and keeping yourself from going off on a complete rant instead was easier said than done . On that thought , the door flew open and Kayla saw Steve looking not entirely pleased to see her . Kayla took a deep breath ; this was going to be a lot harder than she thought . She knew going in that Steve was going to be difficult to deal with , and Kayla was in no position to argue with that . Yet he was wrong if he thought he could bully her out of speaking her mind especially when it was an apology ! Steve sighed . He couldn 't say no to that . He gestured for her to come in and he followed her down the stairs . She turned to face him and before he could say something smart , he saw the look on her face which made him freeze and listen . " Steve , I 'm sorry . I found out it was you who sent the roses . I wanted to thank you for them , and apologize about my attitude earlier when I received them … " " What makes you think I bought the roses ? " Steve asked but his voice was a whisper . " Are you sure it 's not your boyfriend , Chris ? " Kayla sighed , " I told you he isn 't my boyfriend . Anyway I asked at the shop . I wanted to know for sure , and when I heard you sent them , " Kayla decided to be truthful , " I was pleasantly surprised . " " Steve ? " Kayla asked , seeing his back . She fought the urge to touch his bruises , they still looked horrible and she told herself she was only looking because of her nurse 's instinct . She continued , " Steve , why didn 't you tell me at the clinic ? " He turned to look at her , and he suddenly decided not to follow through with it . Instead he said , " You treated me just the way I like it , baby , and so I wanted to make sure you got on the Steve Johnson appreciation plan . A woman who spends the night and treats me right gets her first dozen flowers free . " Kayla was going to leave at that , but the stubbornness she felt got the better of her . He might have deserved an apology , but she still deserved him to answer her truthfully about the roses . She waited for him to get off the phone , while the anger in her was steadily bubbling . " I don 't know . I just … " Steve didn 't know what to tell Kayla . He had promised not to say anything about the baby , if that was about the baby , and she sounded really upset . Grabbing a shirt , he said , " I have to go . This fight is going to have to wait . " Chapter 7 Hope knew she was in trouble in more ways than one . When Steve arrived , he was probably going to kill her . She had to risk it though . His background in this special area could be the only thing to pull her out of this jam , and possibly get Victor off Bo 's back . Hearing the doorbell ring , Hope ran to the front door . She had forgotten to tell Steve to come to rear entrance and was cursing herself knowing the commotion he made . Luckily , it was just her in the house as Victor and Bo were out . The butler was also away at that moment tending to an errand for Victor for that evening 's party . By the time she made it to the door , Steve was just about to kick the door in . " Steve ! " Hope cried , glad to see she made it in time . " Be careful ! " Kayla and Steve rushed in and immediately started asking questions . Steve was more worried as he had concern for her and the baby . Kayla also had a list of questions of her own , especially why Hope would call Steve of all people . Once Steve realized that Hope nor the baby were actually hurt , he became angry . Stomping around , he said , " What was the big hurry , Hope ? You look fine to me ! What the hell … " Hope cut him off , " Steve , please ! There isn 't time . Follow me to the kitchen . " Steve and Kayla looked at each other , confused but did as they were told . In the kitchen they walked into the biggest mess they have ever seen . Hope stopped and stood in the doorway , the smell getting to her . Breathing in , the nausea hit her and she had to hold a bit of her stomach to maintain control . Forgetting his earlier anger , Steve worried again about the baby . Mistaking Hope 's touching her stomach for cramps , he said , " Hope ? What is it ? What 's wrong ? It 's not the baby is it ? " Kayla , who was just about to ask Hope what was wrong herself , turned at that and said , " Baby ? What … what are you talking about ? What baby ? " Hope gave Steve a glare as realization dawned on Kayla 's face . Forgetting she needed a huge favor from Steve , she said , " Steve , I told you not to tell anyone . " Before Steve could respond to that , Hope then turned to Kayla and said , " Yes , I 'm pregnant . The smell of this seafood … this lobster is really getting to me . " Both Steve and Kayla started talking at the same time . Kayla asking how long Hope had been pregnant and why haven 't they told anyone . Steve asking exactly what was his purpose here . " I 'll tell you later ! " Hope said exhausted . She mentally cursed her hormones , she honestly felt like crying at this point . Looking at Steve , " Steve , I need your help . It 's a long story . " " I can guess what you want me to do here . And you scared me half to death ! Now … you tell me the whole story , what this dinner is for , who is coming and why the hell you are in charge of it instead of a catering service . Cause unless the old man has lost his mind , I can 't believe he would put his daughter - in - law in charge of the kitchen , ever . " Hope was glaring at Steve now . Kayla , for her part , was confused and upset at the whole situation . Though she hated Steve 's actual comments and had no idea what he was doing here , getting an explanation from Hope didn 't seem unreasonable . Sighing , Hope went through the story . Last night the caterers had called to tell Victor they had accidentally double booked and they weren 't going to be able to provide their services . Apparently , Victor 's status and money couldn 't convince them to drop the other dinner , as it was for the Mayor . She remembered Victor 's cursing , which was rare for the usually in control man . Hope had actually bit back the temptation to laugh . It was amusing and she thought her prayers had been answered . The dinner was going to have to be postponed after all . Quickly that thinking changed when Bo , who seemed just as upset that the dinner wouldn 't go on either , offered up Hope 's cooking talents as a substitute . Victor was just as surprised as Hope with Bo 's words . He insisted that Hope had cooked for dinners in the past and made delicious meals . The food wasn 't going to have as much variety as the catering service , but she did know how to cook lobster and had an excellent recipe . Victor kept glaring at Hope like he thought this was some trick . The anger Hope had towards Bo wasn 't nearly as strong at her resentment at Victor for doubting she could pull it off . Before she knew it , she was nodding saying she could easily handle the dinner . Victor wasn 't convinced by far , but he had no choice in the matter . His normal cook had been let go under unusual circumstances , and now the catering service wasn 't available . Unless he wanted to hire Caroline to make some clam chowder , this was it . He had asked what kind of lobster recipe she knew . Hope glared , " That was just for the two of us . I have no idea what to serve for … what ? Twelve ? With lobsters ? And the appetizers , the soups , I can 't believe you have gotten me into … " Bo took a deep breath , he had no choice . The people on this list read like a who 's who list of organized crime . If he could get them in the same room together , it was quite possible he could help bring down not just Victor but crime bosses all over the country . The dinner had to go on . Looking at Hope , he wished he could share this with her . He didn 't dare . It was better she didn 't know anything , but convincing his wife of that was one of two different things . He said , " I know , I 'm sorry . I wish . Can … can you just trust me on this please ? " Starting out early that day , Hope had gone through all errands she needed to do for a 12 person dinner party . She looked up various recipes and ran to the Brady Market and got Shawn to agree he would deliver the lobster . She went through more checklists of making sure of other ingredients and had it delivered or picked it up herself . Since cost would be no problem , she had over - ordered to make sure she had backups in case anything got ruined . There was even a backup recipe using most of the ingredients in case disaster struck . With all that planning , the problem she encountered was something she never expected . Since being pregnant , Hope hadn 't eaten any seafood . Now was a lousy time to find out the smell , especially lobster , made her sick ; strongly sick . She could hardly be in the room . She knew Steve could help her out , if she could convince him . It wasn 't going to be easy , but luckily he already knew about the baby coming . Calling Steve was the only thing she knew to do . When Hope was done , she looked at the two people she hoped could help her . Kayla was now giving Hope a look of sympathy and no doubt was going to do everything she can to help out . Steve , who was still leaning up on the wall with his arms folded across his chest , gave a different reaction . He started laughing very hard . Kayla yelled at Steve that it wasn 't funny but Hope rolled her eyes . She should have expected nothing less . " Not funny ? " he asked . " How can it not be funny ? I mean … look at the situation . Sweet Thing here gets herself tricked into doing a fancy dinner for a large number of guests who probably are expecting snails or something . She has no real experience at this but thinks by just buying two of everything she will be covered . Then when it 's time to actually start to make it , she finds out she can hardly come into the kitchen because the smell makes her want to vomit ! I mean … seriously Hope . I think you should consider opening up a restaurant . " Kayla glared at Steve as he fell back into another round of laughter while Hope rubbed her temple . Waiting a minute or two , Hope finally said , " Yes , I know it 's funny . I promise when this is all over , you can tease me all you want until the day I die , but right now , I need you to help me so get in here and please , help me cook this . " " Believe it or not , Steve is a great cook . He actually is a gourmet , I believe , " the look on Hope 's face told Kayla she was telling the truth but Kayla was having a harder time believing this than Steve sending her roses . Looking at Steve who was finally pulling himself together , she repeated , " A gourmet cook . " " Why should I ? It 's not like I am welcome in this home . I 'm damned sure I 'm not going to turn myself inside and out to help out Victor and Junior , " he said nastily . Kayla was furious , " Steve , why are you being like this ? What is so important that you can 't help Hope out ? Is it too much to ask … " Steve cut her off , " Yes , it 's too much to ask . This isn 't me warming up a grilled cheese in the frying pan , baby . Look at this kitchen . Look at everything . It 's a mess . Not to mention I have no idea if Hope has the right ingredients … " " Nothing , Hope . There is nothing you can do . Steve only thinks of himself . He 's incapable of doing anything nice for someone , isn 't that right , Steve ? " Steve got quiet then , hearing Kayla talk like that hurt more than he was willing to let on . He watched as Kayla marched over to the phone , saying , " You know what , Hope ? I 'll call Chris . He 's a good cook too and I 'm sure we can get him to come over … " Kayla met Steve 's gaze at the last part , knowing it was intended for her . She felt bad for throwing Chris ' name as it was a complete bluff . Steve did agree though now and maybe they could do this . She couldn 't let her sister - in - law down . Deep inside Kayla 's mind , there was a voice telling her she was not doing this for Hope 's sake , but to see Steve in action in the kitchen . She ignored it though as Steve started giving them both orders . Chapter 8 Kayla was actually enjoying herself . She couldn 't believe it . If someone had told her the day before she would be in Victor Kirakis ' kitchen happily cooking up lobster with Steve Johnson and Hope Brady , she would have thought that person crazy . So far Steve had proven excellent in the kitchen , just as he said . After doing a quick inventory on all the food that Hope had bought , he had decided to throw out the recipe she had originally selected and instead chose to serve Lobster Au Gratin , saying the recipe was made for 12 people and worked better . The ingredients differed to Hope 's but it called for ordinary items and Steve checked to make sure the pantry was stocked with them . Steve would handle the main course himself and put Hope on the appetizer , a simple chicken wrap recipe which didn 't make her nauseous while Kayla was in charge of soup and salad . Kayla became slightly flustered as her cooking skills were novice at best and given the importance of the evening she had been really nervous in what she was doing . To her surprise , Steve was really patient with her and showed her an easier way to cut lettuce . She would feel her cheeks flush every time Steve would " check " on her , which was much more often than he checked on Hope whose appetizers were slightly more difficult . He simply said he knew Hope could handle the wraps , but wanted to make sure Sweetness could handle her end of the soup and salads . Steve sighed , " I picked this recipe because you can reheat them up before serving . It will be fine , I promise . Are you sure you will be okey to eat this meal ? You still look green . " The mental image popped in Steve 's mind and he cracked up laughing . Kayla looked hurt at first , but then realized it was probably funny . She smiled and said , " So I wasn 't really allowed in the store when lobster was in season . " Hope wasn 't listening though . Victor and Bo were getting closer . Not thinking entirely clearly , she pushed Kayla and Steve into the nearby pantry , " Just shut up and get in here ! " Walking through the door came Victor , Bo and James the butler who had also returned and was bringing in the desserts from the catering . Bo 's eyes were wide at the mess but they could see the food was pretty much ready . Bo had earlier had felt bad about pushing this off on Hope , but was really impressed with the look of the food . Bo laughed nervously but Victor answered , " I 'm sure Bo had every confidence in you . I must say , I expected tonight to be disaster . I 'm pleasantly surprised . " To her relief , Victor agreed as well . He instructed the butler to continue get the dining room set up and set up the bar for cocktails . Victor gave Hope one last look which was just as unreadable as his other expressions as he and the butler left the kitchen . Bo began to follow but when he saw that Hope wasn 't behind him , he stopped . Bo grimaced , mistaking her distracted looks for anger at him . Sighing he walked back to Hope and said , " I 'm sorry , Fancy Face . I really am . I know this was a lot to ask but … it 's going to be worth it in the end . You 'll see . " " Well , um , okay . I 'll be there in about five minutes . " She smiled really big trying to be as convincing as she could . " I have to talk to James about how to serve the dinner . " Cursing his quickness , she told him her instructions were for the dining room and she would be there in one second . He looked at her quizzically but left . Quickly Hope turned back to the pantry and whispered , " Okay , wait about one minute and then leave out quietly out through the back ! Thanks for being so quiet ! " She then chased after James . In the dining room , they stood as Hope tried to think up something , anything , to tell him . Looking around , she finally told him it would be best to serve the food right after he takes it from the oven . Watching him walk off , Hope lowered her head in her hands as she let out a sigh . The cooking was done but so far nothing was any easier . Just then , she heard a crash coming from the kitchen . Running back , Hope found Steve and Kayla sprawled on the floor . Both were turned sideways but were tangled in each other 's arms . Their faces were as red as … . well lobsters actually , and Hope had a big suspicion just what Kayla did to keep Steve from talking . It didn 't look like it had been a big sacrifice for her . Not wanting to get into it with them , and the last thing she needed was Bo to see them like this , she ordered them to get up and get out . For once Steve really had nothing to say , and he helped Kayla off the floor and both of them left in a hurry . If Hope had been in a better mood , she would have chuckled that Kayla managed to do the impossible and render Steve speechless . Kayla felt heat rise in her cheeks as Steve stared back but she couldn 't bring herself to tear her eyes away . She looked down to his lips which were curled up in that same smirk he usually wore but for some reason Kayla found especially attractive . Her mind was going crazy trying to think of something to say , to continue their conversation , but her body was content at just staring . " Did you hear that ? " The worry wasn 't needed as Hope began panicking and wanted them out of there . Steve started arguing with her and Kayla didn 't have time to listen to all the conversation because Hope was actually pushing them into the pantry . Kayla started her protests but the wild look in Hope 's eyes almost scared her . Steve went in first , followed by Kayla and before the pantry door shut , Kayla wondered if there was even enough room for the both of them . The answer was no . The pantry was a good size and plenty of room for one person but with Steve and Kayla packed in there together and all the food that had been bought for the party , they were practically on top of each other . Steve made a noise as he felt the shelves in his back push into his bandage which really hurt . He adjusted his stance but found the more he did that , the more he brushed up against Kayla which … didn 't hurt Not sure why , he suddenly started putting all his body weight towards the shelves . Getting angry , Steve asked to get out . He couldn 't … wouldn 't deal with this . He heard Kayla shushing him , but he was more aware of her breath on his throat . He heard Hope say something to Kayla about shutting him up and the next thing he knew a hand was pressed against his lips . His first reaction was to ask what she thought she was doing but it came out muffled . Kayla 's said , " Just be quiet for once , Steve ! " All Steve could think about was that in a room full of food , Kayla 's scent was the thing to over power him . Steve closed his eyes , mentally wishing Kayla would remove her hand . Kayla was having a hard time breathing . She had meant to shut up Steve but his breath and feel of his lips against her hand was … . distracting . Removing it , she realized Steve must be leaning up against the shelves which couldn 't be good for him . She tried to move to the side some so Steve could sidestep and maybe they would have more room . Steve followed but when Kayla 's foot hit an object on the floor , her defense reaction was to jerk back which only brought her closer to Steve . Kayla told herself she threw her arms around Steve 's waist to steady herself . Unfortunately they were right over Steve 's bruises . " Ow ! " escaped his mouth , and Kayla flinched as she knew that was her fault . Kayla leaned up to Steve and said , " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to hurt you . " She didn 't remove her arms though . Steve didn 't feel anymore pain . Kayla was so close . Her breath was on his cheek . He shook his head no to tell her he was alright . The lighting in the pantry was very dim but he could make out her eyes . Trying to get some distance between them , Steve leaned his head back but that only served to give him a better view of her face . Kayla arms had started reaching around to Steve 's back . Before she knew it , she began rubbing her hands slightly in little circles . Steve 's breath began increasing and Kayla attempted to stop . For all she knew she was making the pain hurt worse . But he wasn 't complaining . The look on his face looked far from complaining in fact . Kayla glanced at his lips which were very close . Closer than they ever had been . She saw his head dip down and without knowing what she was doing , she reached up . Their lips met briefly . Kayla 's heart skipped a beat and before she could think . Steve leaned in and kissed her again . Having no control over her body , Kayla 's mouth welcomed him while her arms circled up over his shoulders , at last caressing his hair with her fingers . As the kiss deepened , Steve 's arms slid down her side and one hand reached around and began massaging the lower part of back , matching the pace of the kiss . Kayla barely managed to hold back a groan as she leaned in to him . They allowed for only one second to separate to catch a needed breath of air then they were back tasting each other again . Kayla didn 't hear Hope gently knock on the door and tell them when they could leave . She didn 't hear her sister - in - law thank them for being so quiet . Kayla didn 't hear anything but her own heartbeat . Steve 's other hand managed to raise up and reach behind Kayla 's head , dipping it back so he could taste her better . Coherent thought left him ; any pain from his injuries was gone as pleasure from touching Kayla was overtaking him . Kayla couldn 't hold back the moans anymore and hearing them quickened Steve 's pace . He pulled her to him tighter and their bodies fit perfectly . Losing feeling in his legs , he leaned to his right and Kayla went with him . Literally . The rush of falling all the way to the ground shocked them enough to stop what they were doing . Steve had managed to take most of the blunt of the fall but Kayla was still in his arms . The reality of what just happened paralyzed them where they were . Kayla wanted to ask Steve if he was okay , but she was still very close to him and her body began leaning in again . Hope 's sudden presence stopped her . Kayla knew what it must look like to her . Hope was ordering them out of the kitchen , out the door in fact . It took all her strength to pull herself away from Steve . They both got up and Kayla couldn 't bring herself to look at either one of them . She started out the door as Hope told her not to forget her purse . Steve managed to grab it for her , but he had to tell himself to hold onto it firmly because he didn 't have a lot of strength right now . His mind was still not caught up with what was going on , and he shook his head to clear it . Not sure if it was lucky or not , Steve and Kayla had to hurry so fast to get away from the Kiriakis grounds that there was no time for them to really absorb what just happened . |
My niece Lauren is now an engaged woman ! Her boyfriend George Kinsella proposed to her on Christmas Eve , by putting an ornament on the tree with the ring tied to it . How cute ! Lauren and George have been together for a long time . Lauren is in school at Western Georgia University , studying education . She 's going to be a middle school teacher . ( Yikes ! Even I couldn 't do that ! ) The wedding won 't be for a while , but I wanted to post anyway . Hard to believe she 's old enough to get married . I was 11 when Lauren Nicole was born , and my parents watched her during the day for several years while my brother and sister - in - law were working . Most of my memories have her in them - - the day she was born when the nurses wouldn 't let me in because I wasn 't old enough , the way she used to sprint away as soon as you unbuckled her car seat , watching cartoons , the way she 'd talk with my friends on the phone , my trips to Atlanta to spend time with my brother 's family , my wedding where she was a junior bridesmaid , how my mom , sister and she " kidnapped " me right before my wedding , her sweet , impish smile , the infectious giggle that she still has . I wish her and George all the best . Posted by Whew , Christmas day is over ! For the girls , there is such a build - up for Christmas Day , and it is just exhausting getting ready and dealing with the endless questions about when Santa is coming , etc . Christmas Eve we had the family over , and we had to keep checking where Santa was currently - - Australia , India , Peru . . . each time the girls acted like they knew excatly where that country was . Macy had asked Santa for a Hannah Montana guitar - - plays three songs , and comes with a headphone and microphone . Here she is when she sees the guitar Santa left : Kaylin asked for a Cabbage Patch doll that goes in the bathtub . Here she is with it : Macy sporting the guitar ; she played with little else for a long time . The stuffed puppy my parents got her finally took the guitars place , and we all got a break from the " You 've got the best of both worlds , chill it out , take it slow , then you rock out the show . . . " Kaylin hugging the new Cabbage Patch in her new High School Musical t - shirt . She was quieter than normal today ; she just seemed to be taking it all in . It was a fun day . The girls got entirely too much stuff , but that 's what happens . I wouldn 't have it any other way . My brother sent pink guitars for the girls , so they are set on guitars . I think their new career ambitions are to be in a band , or a singer . Hannah and Josh both got guitars too , and with Rod and Brandon 's guitar skills , we 're all set ! ! Merry Christmas ! My Christmas Countdown calendar says 2 days till Christmas , so that means I can start shopping for Christmas presents . Yes , that 's right , up until this morning I had only a few things for the girls and that was it . So I braved the stores today and got a pretty good start . I can finish up tomorrow . Somehow I like the adreneline rush , and it doesn 't feel like Christmas unless I wait until the last minute . Funny thing happened at Target this morning . I may be the only one who finds it funny , but oh well . When I went in Target , it wasn 't raining , so I left my coat in the car . When I came out , it was pouring sleet . Not just a little sleet , but downright pouring little ice pellets all over . I had a full cart , and was walking quickly down the rows of cars . Then I realized I was in the wrong row ; my car was one row over . I tried to get over - - couldn 't do it with a cart . The cart wouldn 't fit between the cars ! I tried a couple different places to no avail . So I had to go all the way back up to the entrance to get down the right row . Ice pellets smacking me in the face , no coat , laughing hysterically - - I 'm sure I was a sight . I unloaded packages and thank goodness for seat warmers ! ! Every car I have from now on will have seat warmers . Yesterday my newspaper staff had their ChristmaHankuhkwanna party yesterday . I spelled that wrong , but you get the idea . We do Secret Santa 's , and the kids get a big kick out it . We had a couple unusual gifts this year . One boy received a live frog - - I was terrified he was going to set it loose in the school , but all was well . He did get some worms from a science teacher and fed him . Another boy received two goldfish , who he named JaMarcus and Clyde . He was so proud of those things , and left them in my room until the end of the day . He kept bringing his friends by throughout the day to show off his new pets . Hopefully this snow will stay on the ground through Christmas . Sometimes I think adults have a warped perspective of what high school kids really are . They hear stories on the news about gangs , murders , drugs , teenagers doing stupid stuff , and they assume all teenagers are bad people who are up to no good . I can assure you that is not true - - I have many , many students who are conscientious , hard workers , use common sense , kind , friendly , and many other things , and it frustrates me when adults overlook those qualities and see the stereotypical bad seed teenager . Oh , I have that kind too , but they are few and far between . For example - - yesterday we had a problem with one of our advertisers for the newspaper I advise . As is customary , two students went to see the owner of a local hair salon regarding the issue , which was a small problem but escalated into a bigger deal . She was very rude to them , yelling at them in front of her own customers , saying THEY were unprofessional , being downright hateful to them , accusing them of things she had done herself . The two girls , two of the best on my staff , came back upset . A little while later I called the owner of the salon , to straighten out a few things , and she was as nice as can be to me . I called her out for being mean to the girls , and she said , " well , they 're just high school girls ; they 'll get over it . " As if that excuses her behavior . What if we all used that excuse ? We could be rude to the clerk at the grocery store - - " Oh , she 's just a clerk ; " Or the mailman - - " oh , he just delivers the mail , he doesn 't matter . " Or the waitress - - " oh , she 's just a waitress , I don 't need to leave her a tip . " Just because they are younger doesn 't warrent mistreatment . Macy 's 6 year check up was last night . She is a perfect square - - 48 inches and 48 pounds ! ! The nurse said that 's pretty common . She 's in the 90 % percentile in height ( gee , I wonder where she gets that from ) and the 50 % on weight . Everything checked out well . Macy was very excited to reach 48 inches ; now she can ride the Detonator , the Timber Wolf , and the Mamba at Worlds of Fun . She is a major daredevil . By the way , I turned the comments back on . I 'll deal with the porn spammers if I get them . My mom 's twin sister passed away last week , after a car accident . We will never know what happened , but the highway patrol said there were skid marks on the highway , and she hit a light pole . At first we thought it was just a skull fracture , but we learned later she had an injury at the brain stem , and would be in a vegetative state in a nursing home . They learned Aunt Jean had a living will and didn 't want to be kept alive with extraordinary measures in case of a brain injury . Makes you realize how fragile life is , and how quickly it can be gone . Make sure those you love know it , and leave no regrets in your life . Aunt Jean 's obituary : Jean Libby , RN , CHPN was born January 18 , 1945 in Pasco , WA , and passed away on Wednesday , December 12 , 2007 of injuries sustained in an automobile accident the previous week . She was preceded in death by her parents , Guy and Eulah Anderson . She is survived by her loving husband of forty - two years , Virgil Libby of Towanda , PA ; son Mark Libby of Towanda , PA , who served in the Army in Germany and Kentucky and which helped fuel the patriotic pride and love of country in which Jean so often displayed ; step - daughters Berniece Abbott and husband Dale of Towanda , PA , and Judy Randall and husband Ray of Belle Plaine , KS ; grandchildren Loren Bellows and husband Bryan of Troy , PA , Kensey Abbott of Towanda , PA , and Wade Abbott , currently serving in Iraq , and his wife Jenny of Katterbach , Germany . Jean is also survived by three sisters and one brother : twin sister Jane Newberry and husband Calvin of Kansas City , MO , Carla Anderson of St . Louis , MO and Edna Anderson of Kansas City , MO , and Bill Anderson and wife Joan of Salem , MO . They will cherish the memories of their sister Jean . She loved serving and helping people . Even if it meant the sacrifice of something important to her , she would always do it with no questions asked . She loved it so much , in fact , that she devoted over twenty years of her life as a registered nurse . She was employed as a Registered and Certified Hospice and Palliative NPosted by Once again , I will never turn down a day from school , but today 's snow day is ridiculous . Liberty has gone from one extreme to the other . The girls and I have major cabin fever , and will have to do something this afternoon . Macy 's basketball evaluations went well last night . She was better than most of the girls , and some of the boys . One of the other girls was pretty good too , but her dad is the football coach so she has some athletic genes . There will be 25 kindergartners , split into 4 teams . Practices start in January , so we still have a while . Today was a snow day for most of the schools around the Kansas City area . It was a much needed break for all , and I will never begrudge a day off from school , but we have deadline for newspaper on Thursday , so we 'll have to work at warp speed Wednesday and Thursday to get done . It 's also frustrating that we wasted a snow day , because the temperature rose just enough for the rain not to freeze , and the roads are fine . But the schools called off the night before , and I bet next time they wait until the morning . Today is also Macy 's 6th birthday . Fairly anti - climatic , as her party was Friday night and she got all her presents then . She was sad she didn 't receive any in the mail today , but I explained that 's what happens sometimes . We let her pick where she wanted to eat lunch , and she picked Burger King because of the " iDog " that comes in the kids meal . She was also sad she didn 't get to go to school on her birthday . Her basketball evaluations are tonight , and her dad is her coach . I 'm interested to see how she shapes up with others her age - - she 's tall for her age , and I think she has pretty good basketball skills . I 'm anxious to see if I 'm just bias , or if she 's good . This is will be a long post ! Friday night was Macy 's 6th birthday party . Before the party , we went to the mall to get her ears pierced . That 's what she wanted for her birthday . Below is the picture right after they pierced her ears . The picture behind the chair is a tad creepy . Close up of her ear . The earring is a small daisy with a sapphire in the middle . I had told her it would hurt a little . When it was done , I asked her if it had hurt a little . She said , " yes , a whole lot ! " She was a champ , though . She didn 't flinch , didn 't cry , just sat there . Then we moved on to the party . We ended up with about 15 little girls . Everyone of them was well behaved ; I was very impressed . Macy 's theme was a " rock star / fashion show . " When the girls arrived , they decorated guitars with markers and stickers . Her birthday cake was actually 24 cupcakes in the shape of a guitar . It was pretty cool . After presents and cake , we moved into the " stations " . One station was the nail station , where my sister painted their fingernails and put nail gems on their fingernails . Another station was the make - up station ; a friend of mine 's daughter did make - up on all the girls , and some body tattoos . I should have bought more brighter colors for eyeshadow ! ! My friend Carol did their hair - - lots of funky ponytails , curly waves , etc . Somewhere in there they changed into their rock style / dress up clothes . There were some wild costumes ! After the nails , make - up , hair and clothes were ready , they did a fashion show down a white runway to a Hannah Montana CD . The girls were hilarious - - where they had all learned to walk down , stop , turn , and walk back up just like a model I have no idea ! Macy liked to run down on her turn . As I mentioned earlier , there were some wild costumes . Kaylin 's was one . Yes , she is wearing a cow girl vest ( without a shirt underneath ) , a Hawaiian grass skirt ( without pants underneath ) and cowgirl boots . She thought she was the coolest ! Finally , after many trips up and down the runway , they danced to the Hannah Montana CD for a long tthe higgins ' We got about 3 inches of snow this afternoon , so we had a good time playing in the snow after school . The girls enjoyed making snow angels and throwing snowballs at each other . I shoveled my first driveway this afternoon too . Probably my last , too . It was not the best time I 've ever had , and I will be sore in the morning . I wouldn 't be surprised if I have internal bleeding from where the shovel handle was being pushed into my stomach every push across the driveway . I have several funny things to share that 's happened over the last few days . At least , I think they 're funny ! People are always saying to me , " How can you teach high school ? I could never do it . " Part of why I love teaching high school is the youth and enthusiasm they have . . . My Advanced Composition class just finished their 10 page argumentative research papers , and have to do a presentation on their findings . First one on Monday : we should legalize prostitution . The writer is a boy whose dad is a cop . Student said Dad freaked out a little when he started researching . Anyway , first slide on Student 's Power Point is : " The Hoe : Friend or Foe ? " The students had really been looking forward to his presentation , and they all died laughing . Especially when I had to correct him , that in that particular case , the spelling should be ho . But he really wowed everyone with his presentation , including me , and I gave him 50 / 50 on his presentation . Today a rather shy and nervous girl gets up for her presentation . Her topic was the drinking age should be lowered to 18 . I hesitate to let people write on that topic , but I let her anyway . My fault . All through her presentation she never once said the drinking age should be lowered , but rather that all teens should be able to drink . Oh , she had decent reasons , but no one in the class really listened to her because they were floored at what she was saying . They kept looking at me with shocked looks on their faces . Bobby 's dad got married on Saturday , to a lovely woman named Janet . Bobby Sr . has been very lonely since Margaret passed away five years ago , and Janet will definitely fill that void . Hopefully they will be very happy together . Bobby 's dad also retired as a minister and moved to Janet 's house in Salem , MO . Below is a picture of the bride and groom ! We also spent some time with Bobby 's grandmother , who is almost 90 years old and still growing strong . Her only child was Bobby 's mom , who died 5 years ago . She lives by herself , and requires virtually no help from others , but is so lonely . She only recently stopped mowing her own grass , and walks all over the small town where she lives . We spent the night with her , and she was so happy to have company she was beside herself . I was a little worried about the state of her house , though , and might look into finding someone to go over and clean every once in a while . When we arrived home Sunday night , we found our glass door on the back deck completely broken , with glass shards everywhere . Our first thought was someone tried to break in , but after investigation , it was the just the fierce wind that broke it . Then the dogs decided to jump through the broken door , and sent glass all over the kitchen floor . Bobby had a fun time with the shop vac in the cold . Macy was almost able to use this excuse last night . Her homework was to decorate a construction paper Christmas tree , so she was using glitter , markers , and glueing Cheerio 's all around . I was keeping an eye on the dogs since food was on the table , as Kobe has been very aggressive as of late . She 'll just take food right out of the girls hands as they are eating . As Macy was working on the Christmas tree , Kobe just reached under her arm and grabbed the paper where the Cheerio 's were concentrated and took off across the living room ! I ran over and grabbed the paper away from her , gave her a spanking and sent her outside . She knew immediately she was in trouble . I wonder what Mrs . Fischer would have said if Macy went back to school today and said she couldn 't finish her homework because the dog ate it ? Below are a couple pictures of our beloved dogs . Ignore if you are not a dog lover . First is Kobe , the food stealer . Next is Gabe , the underwear and sock stealer . It was a great Thanksgiving . . . busy , but fun . Here 's a recap . On Wednesday , my mom , my sister Natalie and her daughter Hannah came over for lunch . It was spitting snow a little , but the girls decided they needed their hats , gloves and snow boots on to play in this " snow " Thursday morning I took my usual picture of Macy watching the Macy 's Thanksgiving day parade . She says , " I am so lucky ; I have a store AND a parade named after me ! " She really seemed to enjoy the parade more this year then in the past . Hannah 's birthday was Friday , so on Thursday afternoon we had a mini - birthday party for her after we 'd all stuffed ourselves full of turkey . We hung this pinata in the garage for the kids to hit . It took forever ! I think Macy has a future in softball , because man she could hit that thing ! This is Hannah 's turn below . My brother was in town from Atlanta , and it was great to have his family here . Kaylin liked to stand on my brother 's feet , and he would push her up in the air . Luckily she 's still light enough that it doesn 't hurt that bad . She loves it ! I thought this was a cool action shot that caught her right in the air . My dad plays this " don 't cross that line " game where he draws an imaginary line in the carpet , then when the kids run by , he reaches out and grabs them . He 's done it for as long as I can remember ; I can remember my twenty - year - old niece giggling as hard as she could . The kids all got into the game Thursday night , helping each other " escape " from Papa . It really seemed to help loosen up Josh a little . Friday morning we went to get our Christmas tree . As soon as we step out of the car , there 's Santa . Santa 's suit looked better than last year 's , so I asked him about it . He said Mrs . Clause found a great deal on ebay . Bobby is very picky about our tree - - takes him forever to find one . Then he starts second - guessing himself , then he forgets which trees he 's seen and which ones he hasn 't . But we finally found one , chopped it down and took it home . Took a little effort to get it to stand just right , and on SatuPosted by As an English teacher , one who reads constantly , and one who teaches struggling readers , the following report is quite disturbing to me . http : / / www . kmbc . com / education / 14640950 / detail . htmlA few quotes that I found especially bothersome : " an increasing number of adult Americans were not even reading one book a year . " " The percentage of high school graduates deemed by employers as " deficient " in writing in English ( 72 percent ) " " The number of adults with bachelor 's degrees and " proficient in reading prose " dropped from 40 percent in 1992 to 31 percent in 2003 . " The report says " We need to reconnect reading with pleasure and enlightenment . " Very true , but something I struggle with daily . How do you make books relevant to compete with video games , ESPN , cell phone texting and email ? Bobby was at work last night , and I woke up about 2 to go to the bathroom . Kaylin had brought her pillow , her stuffed animal and was sound asleep next to me . I had no idea she 'd gotten in bed with me . I went to the bathroom and went back to sleep . Something woke me up around 4 , and I noticed Macy was now on the other side of me , sound asleep too . I had no idea she 'd gotten in bed with me either . I also had no idea I was such a sound sleeper . After that , I couldn 't fall back asleep because Kaylin is a cuddler - - she throws her arm around my neck , snuggles up next to me . Normally I like that , but last night Macy was on the other side doing the same thing , there was a dog at the end of the bed , and I began feeling a little claustrophobic . So I moved to Macy 's bed , and woke up with stuffed animals all around me . On the way home from church today , we ran through Wendy 's drive - thru . Macy asked me what french fries were made of . I said potatoes , and she said yuck and spit out her fries . Then Kaylin asked what chicken nuggets are made of , and Macy said " They take the chicken and roll it into balls , and then put turkey all over and cook it . " Interesting idea . . . I like to take a nap every Sunday afternoon . I told the girls not to bother me unless it was an emergency . They were pretty engrossed in Barbie 's Island Princess . Here 's Kaylin 's " emergencies " : " Macy said my face is dirty , but it 's not " ( and it really was ) " Can you help me put on this Cinderella dress ? " " Macy hit me in the back . " " Where 's my flip flops ? " " Macy poured me some milk . Is that ok ? " Every third day I have study hall , and today is my day . On Friday 's we usually let them sit wherever , talk quietly , etc . We 're in the auditorum , and there are about 110 kids in study hall . Today there is a strange group sitting on the floor in front of me . Three are actively playing chess with a 10X13 mat and actual chess pieces . One boy just got up and ran around the auditorum , not saying anything but punching his fist in the air . I asked the other kids what happened , and they said he had just lost . Apparently he is president of the chess club , and loses to this kid every day during study hall . Interesting . . . Then we have the love triangle . Spiky Hair boy was sitting on the floor , Flat Hair Girl leaning up against him with his arms wrapped around her . They stayed like that for a long time , watching the chess match . Flat Hair Girl got up to go to the bathroom , and suddenly Spiky Hair Girl ( who earlier was complaining that everyone is copying her haircut - - trust me , no one would want to ) is leaning up against Spiky Hair Boy with his arms wrapped around her . I can 't wait for Flat Hair Girl to come back in , expecting fireworks , but she just sits down and starts playing chess . Now I 've done none of the work I 've needed to during study hall today , but have been quite entertained in the meantime . What I wouldn 't give for a camera right now . ( I lost the memory card in mine while transferring some pictures . It 's in a machine somewhere . ) The girls are playing in the backyard , and we have lots and lots of leaves . They started making " snow angels " in the leaves , and were just laughing and having a ball . It was so cute ! Now they are trying to make a house of the leaves . Not sure that 's going to work out all that well for them , but that 's ok . They 're playing together and not fighting . When I talked with my mom yesterday , she asked if I 'd had a good time in Philly . I said yes , why ? She said all my posts were negative ! I didn 't intend for them to be ; in fact , we had a great time ! One adviser had her luggage lost , her computer locked and she needed something off the desktop , she had to sleep on a rollaway bed , and a bird pooped in her hair . SHE did not have a great time , but the rest of us did . But I 'm ready to go home , and give my husband and girls a squeeze . Yesterday we walked to the Philadelphia Museum of Art and then ran up the steps , Rocky style . There were a ton of people doing the same thing . There 's a Rocky stature at the bottom and we used that as a photo op , of course . This morning three students and I got up early to watch a building in downtown be imploded . There were probably about 100 people watching . The building was about 2 blocks away from where we stood . They counted down to 10 , there was a huge boom , pigeons flew all over the place , and then the building started coming down . It started down on the left side first , but then the right side caught up with it . The dust that came after was bad , and my contacts are burning even now . It was incredibly cool , and I 'm glad we got up early to go watch it . Rules of etiquette for a convention with 4000 high school students : 1 . When the elevator door opens , please allow the people inside to get off first . 2 . If you are only moving one floor , say from the 4th to the 5th floor , please don 't take the elevator , but the escalator or stairs . 3 . If the elevator is packed , please don 't push your way in and say " Room for me ? " No , there is not room for you . 4 . When you 're in a session , please don 't be rude to the speaker by texting , answering your cell phone , or whispering loudly to the person next to you . And when a nearby adult pointedly looks at you , stop doing these things . 5 . If they only have enough handouts for one per school , please only take one per school . The people in the back appreciate it . 6 . When eating in a group of more than 8 , the gratuity is added on . If your meal was $ 16 , you need to pay more than that to cover the tax and tip . We 're not trying to cheat you , but you have to pay more than $ 16 . 7 . If there are 17 people crammed in a 12 person van , please don 't talk about how uncomfortable you are when the others are just as uncomfortable . Is complaining going to help ? No . 8 . If you get your hair pooped on by a bird , don 't rub it on others . They don 't appreciate it . 9 . When your adviser tells you to check in after the dance , and it is midnight , and she sounds sleepy , please don 't carry on a conversation and then say , " Are you sleeping ? " More things I 've learned on my Philly trip . . . 1 . The people in the office building across the street will wave at you if you stare out the window long enough . 2 . A giant fiberglass rat in the back of a truck is apparently necessary to help protest a labor organization at the bank across the street . 3 . Amish people make the BEST bacon , egg and cheese roll - up , rolled in handmade pretzel dough . 4 . Do you think it is against culture for a 15 - year - old Amish girl in full Amish attire to be texting on a pretty pink sparkly cell phone ? 5 . If you had long arms , you could touch the Liberty Bell . No guards around it . A student quote : " It doesn 't look real , that Bell . " 6 . Midwest Airlines only gives $ 25 a day on reimbursement of luggage , but they do call 4 times a day to tell you the luggage has not been found . 7 . We ate Thomas Jefferson 's favorite biscuits at the Tavern he , Ben Franklin and Sam Adams went for a drink . 8 . Elfreth 's alley is the oldest street where people have contintously lived . Someone has lived in those row houses since 1703 . It is the cutest street . Students have no regard that people actually live there , and want to look in the windows or touch their pumpkins on the front step . 9 . They need a neon sign announcing Ben Franklin 's grave so people don 't have to walk all over the graveyard trying to find it . 10 . Chairs from the 18th century need a little refurishbing , but George Washington 's chair has a neat rising sun on it . 11 . Ben Franklin 's grandchildren didn 't want to maintain the upkeep on his house , so they raved it and built row houses . Unbelievable . 12 . The streets of Philly are not safe . It is not the city of brotherly love . People are rude . 13 . The mint in Philly had a bomb threat , and so we opted not to go . My thoughts on our Philadelphia trip so far . . . 1 . Overly cheerful flight attendants at 6 : 00 am really annoy me . 2 . As soon as the wheels of a plane touch down , high school students whip out cell phones to text or call . 3 . Midwest is not good with luggage , but has nice leather seats . No chocolate chip cookies on flights before 10 am . 4 . The Marriott Downtown thinks it 's okay to put four high school boys in a room with one king sized bed . 5 . Philadelphia doesn 't feel the need to start the Christmas season before Thanksgiving , as there is no hint Christmas is coming . 6 . Homeless people are too aggressive . 7 . Philly cheese steaks are pretty good . 8 . The boy sitting next to me at dinner can name any song or band in the first five notes . 9 . Declaring cell phone bans at the dinner table works . Students stay off their phones and actually talk to one another . And throw things across the table at each other . 10 . High school girls love to shop , even if it is at the same stores they have at home . Friday was my birthday , so we went to Columbia for the weekend . We got there Saturday afternoon , and shopped around downtown Columbia . I finally got my Chase Daniel ( quarterback for Mizzou ) t - shirt I 've been looking for ! We then went to the first exhibition game that afternoon too , and MU won . It actually didn 't look good the first half , but they played much better in the second half . None of our group was there , so we were kinda lonely . They had moved the starting time of the game to 3 , so at 5 : 30 they could show the MU / Colorado football game on the big screen . Only about 100 people stayed . We watched a couple drives and then left . It would have been a neat experience if the place had been packed . Obligatory picture of the girls at the game : Sunday morning we went to the Rock Bridge State Park , and hiked around for a while . We found a couple caves ; one is closed unless you have a permit , but the other you can explore . However , we lacked flashlights , appropriate shoes , and a hard hat for Bobby , so we didn 't venture very far . It was cool though , and we will probably go back this summer . This first picture is me at the bottom , shooting up to Bobby and the girls at the top . And this one is Bobby at the top , shooting down at the girls and I at the bottom . The cave we tried to explore is to the left of where we are . Then we tried to find a giant sinkhole , but the girls tired out early . We ate lunch , then drove to Rocheport and walked on the Katy Trail for a while . There is a 250 - feet tunnel that was gorgeous , and we yelled and made our voices echo . We climbed a steep , steep hill that didn 't look all that bad at the bottom but gave us a beautiful view of the Missouri River and the surrounding countryside . It was a nice , relaxing weekend . Posted by Thank goodness Halloween is over ! We had a busy day . Kaylin had a party from 8 : 30 - 11 : 30 , then I picked her up at 2 to go to Macy 's party at school . Then we went around the businesses in Kearney from 4 - 5 , ate dinner , went around around neighborhood for a while , then headed home and they handed out candy for about an hour . At 8 Kaylin fell asleep on the floor in her room , exhausted . Macy stayed up a little while longer handing out candy , then she conked out too . The firemen were handing out candy in downtown Kearney , so of course we had to stop there . This is Kaylin , their cousin Hannah , their friend Emily , and Macy . Notice with Macy 's wig they are all blond . This is Macy and her kindergarten teacher Mrs . Fischer . They 're already talking about next year . Kaylin wants to be Cinderella again , and Macy wants to be a devil . Saturday afternoon my dad and I took the girls down to the Kansas City Zoo for Boo at the Zoo . It 's an annual event that 's lots of fun . There are about 25 stations where kids can trick or treat , plus they see the animals and other costumes . Kaylin was Cinderella , and Macy was Hannah Montana . I 've put a couple pictures of just her below , because she just looks absolutely different ! She 's squinting into the sun in these , but with those big brown eyes sticking it , it didn 't even look like her . I overheard about three people who were walking by say , " oh , look , it 's Britney Spears ! " I made sure to correct all of them - - I didn 't want anyone to think I would dress my child like Britney Spears ! ( Yes , Macy did have underwear on . ) But to the casual observer , who didn 't see Hannah Montana on her belt , or who didn 't know who she was , I guess I could see where someone might think that . Posted by We had our first parent teacher conference with Macy 's teacher , Mrs . Fischer , today . It was strange to be on the other side of the table , after 9 years of being the teacher at conferences . I won 't brag too much on Macy , but her teacher did not have one negative thing to say about her . Her words : " she is the perfect kindergartner , and I wish more kids would be like her . " Wow . She said Macy is way ahead of where she should be at this stage . We brought home 10 sight words to start working on , and she already knew 4 of them ! Done bragging . We talked quite a bit about the changes in kindergarten over the years . She said what they are teaching now in kindergarten is what they used to teach in 1st grade just a few years ago . They used to focus on just learning rules , getting along , counting to 10 , and learning the alphabet in kindergarten . Now , because of preschool , kids come in knowing all that , and they have to focus on more advanced techniques . Kaylin 's preschool is studying the letter F this week . Bobby came with all his fire gear - - helmet , coat , pants , boots , air pack , everything . He talked with them about fire safety , then put on his air pack and pretended to " rescue " them while they crawled around the room . It was really cute . He also brought little plastic fire hats for everyone , and baseball cards about Shadow , the Fire Dog they have in Kearney . The kids loved it ! And , on another note , Kaylin 's preschool teacher took this picture of her yesterday , and the subject line when she emailed it was " crack baby ! " For those of you who remember , her sister had the same problem when she was that age too . No butt or hips to hold up their pants ! Posted by On Friday I went with Macy 's kindergarten class to the Red Barn Farm in Weston . They 'd spent the week studying farm animals , and we had a great time looking at all the animals and picking pumpkins . Having been on field trips with high schoolers , it was strange to be on the other side as a parent . I quickly learned before we even left there is a protcol for everything : folders go in the red basket , not the blue one , they use the bathrooms on the right , not the left , and the line starts at the door , not the sink . Below is a picture of all the kids in her class . Our leader was very cool - - Farmer Trish . She did a great job of interacting with the kids , and showing them the farm . In the picture below she was using Macy as a " tree " to show the other kids how to properly pick an apple . There were 5 other parents that went , and we all had three or four kids in our group to account for . I was constantly looking for the heads of my three to make sure they hadn 't jumped in with the geese or the pigs . I had a good group : Macy , Katlynn ( who lives around the corner ) and Evan . They were as sweet as could be . I felt sorry for Mr . Richter : he had four very active little boys , and he was chasing them all day long . Mrs . Fischer really has her hands full . Below is a picture of my group . Notice Evan has a MU shirt on . Posted by We decided pretty early in my pregnancy with Macy what her name was . We struggled a bit later with the spelling : Maci , Macy , Macey were three spellings we kicked around . I can 't remember now which one I wanted and which one Bobby wanted , or why we ultimately decided on Macy as the spelling . I looked through my pregnancy journal tonight , and nothing was written about it . Imagine my surprise tonight as Macy is working on her homework . Macy : I 've been spelling my name differently at school . Me : Really ? Macy : ( writes MACEY at the top of her paper ) I like this spelling better . Me : Why ? Macy : I don 't know . It just makes my name longer . When I was in middle school , 1 out of 5 girls were named Jennifer Lynn . I went through a phase where I said my name was Jenni , Jenny , and then started putting Lynne . Anything to make myself different from the others . That 's the main reason Macy is Macy instead of Emily , Hannah , Chloe , Jessica , etc . It cracks me up that she did the same thing I did , when I worked so hard to pick an unusual name for her . We had a busy weekend . Friday night my sister had her annual bonfire . The weather was so unusually warm - - we went in t - shirts and shorts . Many years we 've worn sweatshirts and huddled around the fire . Saturday Macy had a soccer game , and she was back to the usual just run around the field . Oh well . We went to a fireman muster competition in the afternoon for Gladstone . The Kearney team did horrible , and took 3rd out of 3 teams . Oh well . In the evening we made our last trip of the year to Worlds of Fun . Our girls absolutely love going , and the weather was wonderful . Very crowded , though . I would have rather had colder weather so the lines wouldn 't have been so long . We had to cut our trip short because Kaylin burned her fingers . She was riding a little motorcyle ride in Camp Snoopy , and touched the headlight briefly . She held her own until she got off the ride , then she started sobbing . Her fingers blistered up , so we headed out . She cried herself to sleep before she got to the car ! By Sunday morning she was fine , and was showing everyone her boo - boo . On the way home from church , I asked the girls what they had learned in Bible class . Kaylin said , " God made stuff . " I asked what kind of stuff , and Macy said , " you know , stuff . " Right . Macy had a soccer game tonight , and was playing her best . At the beginning of the second half , she was standing in the middle of the field for the kick - off . She kicked it so hard it went straight into the net without touching another person ! Macy is playing soccer right now , and her team is the Pink Panthers . Here is how her soccer seasons have gone : Season 1 : stood on the sidelines and sobbedSeason 2 : ran around the field , but wouldn 't go near the ballSeason 3 : tried to play , but didn 't want to take the ball away from anyoneWe 're optimistic this season will be her breakthrough season . She 's already scored 3 goals in two games . Posted by All the teachers at the high school received cool laptops this year . They removed all the desktops , and we now use our laptops . They are a tablet , which means the screen swivels , I can close it and then write on the screen with a special pen . It 's really changed the way I grade papers . I now have the students submit their papers to me electronically . I have a site called Blackboard , which is what the colleges use for their online classes . The students turn their papers in , I download them to the desktop of my laptop , and grade them like that . I can use different colored ink just by clicking a button , edit and make comments on their papers . Then I hit a button and email it back to them . They open the attachment and see their grade . No paper involved . Last night at the dance studio , while I was waiting for Macy , I was grading a paper like that . After I finished , I let Kaylin " draw " with the special pen . Even at 3 1 / 2 years old , she could changed the color of the pen once I showed her how . She had a ball scribbling all over Mom 's computer . Suddenly I was the coolest person at the dance studio . We had a flock of 12 , 13 , and 14 year - old girls watching Kaylin , and they were just mesmerized . One little girl looked up at me , and with awe in her eyes , said , " You are so lucky to have this computer . " I just smiled and said thank you . We purchased Halloween costumes tonight . Usually a few days before Halloween , we trek to the store to find out that everything in the girls ' sizes are gone . Not this year ! Thus the fun trip to Party America began . First , the girls wanted every single costume on the wall . Too much to choose from : cheerleaders , witches , princesses , pirates , you name it , they wanted it . At one point Macy picked a Disco Diva , although I am positive she has no idea what a Disco Diva is . I steered her away from that one . They were also constantly distracted by the neat Halloween accesories : a red pitchfork , a bowl with a hand that grabbed you , a pirate face that stuck its tongue out . At one point , Bobby grabbed Macy and said , " Focus ! ! " Ultimately , the decision was made by what costumes were 50 % off . Kaylin will be Cinderella , in a pretty blue dress with matching gloves . It will be a perfect dress - up dress after Halloween . Macy will be Hannah Montana , complete with blond wig and rock star microphone . For those of you unfamilar with Hannah Montana , she is the alter ego of Miley Cyrus , daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus . Hannah / Miley has a hit show on the Disney Channel and a CD . Her concert at the Sprint Center in December sold out in mere minutes , and tickets are being sold on ebay for outrageous prices . I just checked : the cheapest I could find was $ 70 for 2 . I also found 4 tickets for $ 679 - - the $ 500 - $ 700 range was pretty common . Then I saw 4 tickets for $ 1799 . 99 ! Outrageous . Macy will be content with her blond wig and rock star microphone . Last week Macy did a " spirit clinic " with the Kearney High School cheerleaders and Golden Girls , and then they performed at the football game on Friday . I 'm putting the link to watch her cheer before the game . In case you can 't make out the words , it was " Bulldogs , get down , and rock it all around . " They did that three times . They also performed at halftime , but the videographer couldn 't find his daughter in the sea of kids , so there is no point in posting the link . You can 't make out Macy . Last Saturday Bobby participated in a fireman muster at the Jesse James Festival . Kearney hasn 't had a team for a while , and he was excited to get out there . There were about 4 or 5 other teams from other fire departments . It was hot , and the girls got bored quickly , but it was still fun . This first picture is Bobby and Nick , one of the part - time firefighters . This is Nick and Bobby in some sort of hose competition . I won 't begin to pretend like I know what they are doing . I think they had to unhook that gasket and that 's all I know . I like the action shot , though . This is Kevin and Dave , two other firefighters . I just think this is a cool picture . They were participating in a " barrel tug of war " - - both teams shot water at a barrel hanging on a wire , and the first team to move the barrel over the line won . This is Bobby and Dave , or " Mr . Happy Face " . Dave was blindfolded , and Bobby had to guide him with commands to move the barrel with the spray of water . The team that moved the barrel the fastest won . Bobby advising Dave how to move the water hose . The dots on the picture are actual water drops . This is the Bucket Brigade . All 4 of them participated . Dave filled up the bucket , handed it to Nick , who handed it to Bobby , who handed it to Kevin , who threw the water on the roof of a little building similar to a dog house . The water ran off into a bucket , and the first team to fill up the bucket won . This is the whole group , with Kevin holding the first place trophy . Kearney won the overall competition . The guys really had a good time , and are talking about going to other fire department competitions around the area next summer . Macy is our bright , sweet , sometimes shy 11 - year - old who is in 6th grade . She loves playing volleyball , her iPhone , chocolate - covered strawberries and watermelon . Macy is mildly obsessed with Big Time Rush . She 's our brown - haired , brown - eyed angel . |
What are you going to remember one day ? The fights that we had , the tears that we shed , the heavy silence after we had said words that we soon regretted ? Time has a way of erasing the bad feelings . After awhile , we remember only the laughter , the moments of intimacy , the complicity . I will always remember going up river with you . The day was warm , the trees along the Neshaminy still , watching silently as we glided by them , our paddles parting gently the waters of the river . From time to time we stopped paddling to listen to the birds and we thought that our hearts were going to melt with so much happiness . That day I wanted to know the name of your canoe . " Ina Maka - Mother Earth in Lakota - " , you said . I remember traveling up the Amazon River with you . We had decided to go by boat from Belem to Manaus , in a trip that would take about 3 days . The boat had a large deck where the travelers hung their hammocks to sleep . We shared a large hammock . Whenever someone in a hammock rocked , all the hammocks rocked for there wasn 't much room . During the day , the hammocks were folded . Then , we watched small kids in their canoes , approaching the boat to ask for food . The travelers threw bread in plastic bags and the kids paddled frantically to get to them before the river swallowed the food . I remember you telling me that you would support me no matter what . And I also remember telling you that I would take care of you after your surgery . I remember our long walks after dinner to discuss about the kids . And I also remember dancing with you after the dishes were done . But wait , all these remembrances aren 't in fact only from you . They are from other men of my life as well . Now , you all seem to merge in my mind , composing a beautiful quilt where all my lovers left their footprints . Life managed to put all of you together and now , when I think about the past , I remember only the happiness , not the names , the harmony , not the disagreements . Let 's not fight today , okay ? Tomorrow we won 't remember why we fought anyway . Posted by Today I want to give you some advice : if you are thinking about killing yourself but aren 't 100 % sure , don 't go to Japan . I read on the Internet last week about this guy who walked to a bridge apparently all ready to kill himself at a spot where others were already successful . This guy was there for four hours threatening to jump . Finally , an old man came up behind him , shook his hand , and pushed him off the bridge . Now , do you see what I mean ? If you are not totally sure that you want to die , avoid a place where people might force you to die , in case you are having second thoughts . Instead , try going to Brazil , where people are very likely to start crying once you tell them your problems , and you might end up consoling them instead of jumping . Last week I was thinking a lot about death . Not because I am a morbid type of person . I just happened to find myself pondering the subject . I always thought that I would like to die when I turned 70ish , with my mind and my body still working in synchronicity . Now that I am 55 , I started to have second thoughts : isn 't a 70 years old person too young to die ? Shouldn 't I wait until I get to be 80 years old ? I consider the possibilities and then I laugh at myself . Who am I to choose the moment of my death ? Didn 't I learn yet that death , like life , likes to surprise us when we least expect ? I see all these Hollywood stars who work so hard to keep their bodies fit , trying to outsmart death , and don 't seem to pay attention to their minds . They will die one day , paralized in botox , as if they were still in their 30th . . . At the same time , I see those people who have arthritis , bladder problems , diabetes , all kinds of health issues , and still conserve their beautiful minds intact . What would you like to lose first : your body or your mind ? Sometimes I walk past a retirement home and see lots of old people sitting outside . I imagine they talking about their aches , their kids and grand - kids , their past . They probably live off their memories . The highlight of their day is a visiPosted by Where do the stories come from ? Sometimes my head is full of them . Sometimes it is empty and I fear that I won 't ever be able to tell a story again . The stories have been with me since I was a child so I should know , by now , that they will always come back . But there is always the dread that that was the last time , the last story of my life . I am a story thief . If someone tells me just one word that I find interesting , that word might give birth to a story . I hear about one dwarf passing by , and he becomes a dwarf chasing a woman in a hotel with a sword . I see a painting that I admire , and there comes a story about a woman who fell in love with a painting but couldn 't ever love a man . I see someone running on a beach , and I imagine writing a story about a woman escaping from the husband who she never had . I dream with a babysitter scolding a child , and I imagine a story about a mother who fed her daughter only crumbs of life . When my daughter was young , she begged me to tell her stories from my mouth . Not from a book , but from my mouth like she said . And I would tell her a story about a girl who put all her worries in a heavy bag , dragged the bag to a canoe , and paddled almost to the end of the ocean . There , she threw the bag in the sea to get rid of her worries . There was also a story about monkey Simon . He had his special song , which I had composed only for him . Monkey Simon was full of mischief and would always be hanging from a tree , making fun of everybody . I can tell you a story today . Do you want to hear ? Once upon a time a woman met a tree that was very vain . In the winter , the tree dressed only in white . In the spring , she favored light green . In the summer , she could be seen in dark shades of green . And in the autumn , she dressed herself in a profusion of colors , from yellow to orange to brown and so many mid - tones in between . The tree invited the woman to sit on her lap . With her branches , she combed the woman 's hair . With her leaves , she made the wind blow a soft kiss on the woman 's face . Then , shePosted by I say good night to my daughters , go to my room and start hearing their voices . They had said good night to me as well , but I know that for at least two more hours they will be talking . This is a long weekend , with a holiday on Monday , and my 26 years old daughter is visiting . She is sharing a room with her 24 years old sister . Even though they talk on the phone almost every day , they still have a lot to catch up . Listening to them , I am reminded of my sisters and how we treasured so much these private conversations in the dark , when we could tell secrets that we wouldn 't dare to disclose during the day . My four sisters and I are very good friends . But when we were growing up , we used to fight a lot . One day I grabbed a chicken at the pen to chase my older sister who was terrified of birds . If she were outside and happened to see a pigeon , a chicken , or anything else with wings , she was capable of running on the street in front of cars , putting her life in danger , only to escape her most dreadful enemy . That day , I don 't remember what she had done to annoy me . I do remember running after her through the house with the chicken in my hands , until she climbed on the highest tree of the backyard from which , later on , she was unable to get down . Of course , my mother wasn 't very happy with me when she heard the story … There were many fights , but there were so many more moments of joy . In the nights that my parents went out to dinner , we did all sorts of mischief . We took turns lying in a hammock so that the others could swing it very high , trying to reach the ceiling . When we became teenagers , the boys came and serenaded us , or threw stones at the windows of the house to catch our attention , and we all agreed that we would never tell our parents . I remember the moments of complicity , the moments when we were unhappy and comforted each other , the moments of extreme pleasure that we just had to share . Of course , all these moments had to be shared with our cousins as well . Dozens of them . We would travel with our couPosted by Today I was reading on the Internet an article from a Swedish woman who , for some reason , decided to write a blog about the Brazilian way of life . In the article , among many other explanations about Brazilians , she says that Brazilians love to drink , but that it is very embarrassing for a Brazilian to be caught drunk . Now , that phrase made me think . How come , being Brazilian , I had never noticed that ? I remember very well when a few years ago I went to a wedding in Rio de Janeiro . A cousin of mine got really drunk . Since the party was in a club , our aunts took her to the garden , made her lay down on a wooden bench , and covered her with a tablecloth for the lack of anything better to use . Being Brazilians and loving to laugh at everything and everyone , my other cousins took pictures of their drunken cousin and the pictures ended up circulating with the other pictures of the wedding . There was also a New Years ' party in which at least five of my relatives got drunk and one of them ended up leaving the club barefoot , escorted by a waiter . And let us not forget when a law was implemented in Brazil , stating that nobody would be allowed to drive after consuming a single drop of alcohol . The jokes at the time were that the Brazilian president was so drunk that he hadn 't seen the law that he was signing … Embarrassed by too much drinking ? Hmmm … I guess the blog 's author mistook Brazil for another country . You usually don 't see many Brazilians writing blogs about the Brazilian way of life . Of course , most of them are having a lot of fun just being Brazilians and would not waste their time writing about the subject . But I do think that people who are not from a country and write about it , should do at least a bit of research . It is very easy to distort facts when someone doesn 't pay enough attention to the subject or forget details about it . I am the first one to admit that , being Brazilian but living for almost 24 years in the US , I am constantly telling lies about my country . I told my kids that in the BraziliaPosted by One man stopped by and picked up an old rocking horse for small children , the type that is not even manufactured anymore and would nowadays be considered a safety hazard . Another stopped and picked an old trunk , all rusted , which in the past had been used to store movies . One woman hurried out of her car , maybe afraid that someone would see her , and took a bag with old stuffed animals . Then two metal collectors arrived and started separating everything that was metal . All through the night they came : old and young people , men and women , by themselves or with their families , driving nice cars or cars that had seen better days , all of them trying to find something valuable in the garbage . Yesterday was bulk pickup day in my friend 's neighborhood , which means that people are able to put out all those large items the garbage collectors would not normally collect . I was helping my friend to clean his house and put the garbage out at the curb , but sometimes I just had to spy on the parade of people who stopped to pick through the junk . In the evening , the pile of trash was huge . When the garbage truck arrived in the morning , the pile had shrunk to half of its size . My friend 's house is located close to Philadelphia , in the US , one of the wealthiest countries in the world . And still there were people sorting through his trash … Stuff ! Some of us have a lot . Some of us don 't have enough . The ones who don 't have enough complain about the lack of it . The ones who have too much ( and still don 't think they have enough ) sometimes don 't have room for all of their belongings anymore . So , they throw stuff away or organize yard sales . Not being American and not being raised here , I never understood the concept of yard sales where people arrange everything they don 't want anymore on their front garden and put the stuff up for sale . It seemed strange to me to see all sort of knickknacks that should belong , in fact , in the garbage being bought by folks who , in the majority of cases , would not even use the items . What couldPosted by The Bandoleiro from Caracas attacked a crowd of teenagers in New York who were on their way to the library to work on a school project . The bandoleiro charged his horse over the teenagers making them run for cover inside buildings . Commenting on the savage attack , a candidate for Miss Universe said : Oh , he was so handsome ! Sorry , I mislead you . I deeply apologize . See , I am trying to sell my stories to American magazines and I need to practice . I was told that Americans get bombarded with all sort of information and don 't have time ( or desire ) to read anymore . If my story doesn 't have a murder , a mugging , a flood , a political scandal , or any other sort of tragedy in its first paragraph , chances are that nobody is going to read it . Now , the instructions I get from all the guidelines for publication get me confused . If I tell the entire story in the first paragraph , what am I supposed to say next ? And , how come the Americans don 't have time ? Every evening when I look out of my window , I see the people who live on the other side of the street with the TV on . Couldn 't they spare some of that time to read ? I usually have at least five books beside my bed . The television , with all its colors and dramas , doesn 't appeal to me as much as a well - written book . But I like the ones that start slow , like a lover sneaking on me to give me an unexpected kiss , and little by little involve me in their arms until I am so taken that , when I realize , it is already 2am and I am still reading … When I was a child , I wanted to be a writer so I went and got a B . A . in journalism , thinking that this was close enough to writing books . But being a journalist didn 't satisfy me . I didn 't want to report on other people 's lives . I wanted to create a world out of nowhere or out of my memories , and embellish this world with colors that only I could see . I wanted to be able to carry the readers to a place where nothing else would matter but the story , where they could forget for awhile all their problems . Books have fascinated me all myPosted by There was once a soldier who wanted to fight in a war . He was happy when he was deployed to a fortress in the middle of the desert where the Tartars were constantly battling . However , when he got there , there was no war . The time came for him to be discharged and the soldier decided to stay in the desert so he could still wait for the war . He waited and waited . The war eventually came , but then he was already too old to fight in it . I love this story from Dino Buzatti from his book The Tartar Steppe . How many of us spend our lives waiting for something special to happen , to get the job of our dreams , experience pleasures that we always longed for ? Ah , one day I will do this and that - we promise ourselves . Ah , if only I had the time I would do this and that - we complain . And life passes , and we keep waiting for the perfect opportunity . When we are young , the grownups usually ask us what we want to do when we grow up . When we grow up , we continue asking ourselves the same question and still don 't have an answer for it . Why do we need to wait for the special occasion , why can 't we go and do what our heart wishes for ? Is it because we feel guilty when we dare to be happy ? Is it because we are afraid of failure if we try to accomplish our dreams ? Whenever the reason , we stay where we are , paralyzed , wishing and waiting , postponing the moments of happiness … My aunt one day sent me a beautiful power point presentation about a man who was climbing a mountain and got stuck in the middle of a snowstorm . He was attached to a rope , but he felt that he was falling into an abyss . Out of desperation , he cried for God to help him . God told him to let go of the rope . But he couldn 't . He didn 't have enough faith . The following day he was found dead , a few feet from the safety of the ground . How many of us can really let go of the rope , have faith to follow our heart and fight for what we believe to be our destiny ? Sometimes I wonder about these people who change completely their lives , quitting a good job as an executiPosted by My friend told me that the train is coming back , and I am already excited waiting for it . The train will be called The Train Of The Wetlands and colorful drawings will decorate the outside of the air - conditioned cars . In the evening , it will stop in a town , in the middle of the way , and then continue the trip the next morning . So different from many years ago . . . But still the train of my memories . When I was a child , most of our vacations started with a train trip . At that time there weren 't any drawings on the train and it also did not have a name . It was only " the train . " With its plain brown wooden wagons , it announced its arrival proudly in Corumba , Brazil , the engineer blowing the horn with gusto so everybody could come and admire the locomotive . At the train station , there was always a crowd waiting to board . Men juggled many suitcases while women carried a large amount of food for the trip , usually wrapped in tablecloths . Kids ran wildly , sometimes being scolded by their parents , afraid that they would end up under the iron wheels . The first car of the train was the diner . Then came the sleepers followed by the coaches . At the rear were the flat cars carrying automobiles . We always reserved a place in the sleepers because our voyage lasted for almost two days . We were going from Corumba to Bauru , in the state of Sao Paulo , on our way to the shore . The trip always started with a fight . My sisters and I had to decide who would sleep with whom in which cabin , and who would take the up bunk bed . After this matter was resolved and we all had run around examining everything , specially the small bathrooms in each car , we would settle for the night . For twelve hours we would shake from one side to another , at the rhythm of the train , trying to sleep in the narrow beds . In the mornings the fun would really start . Savannas , forests , swamps and rivers paraded in front of our eyes , full of huge birds , alligators and wild pigs . At the first stop , women and kids approached the train selling mangos , guavas , pasteis , anPosted by I walked slowly to the place where I was going to meet him , afraid of what I would find . I hadn 't seen him in a while . Would he look different ? Would he still welcome me ? With him , I never knew what to expect . Sometimes he was in a mood for singing and would enchant me and make me fall in love all over again . Sometimes he was tranquil and silent , and I could sit by his side and stay there for hours , in peace with the world and with myself . Sometimes he was violent , tempestuous , and I kept a certain distance although I could never completely escape his attraction . We had met in so many places of the world … In each place he would choose a different name , but I would always recognize him . In Budapest , he was Danube . In Paris , he was Seine . In New York , he was Hudson . In Corumbá , he was Paraguay . In Manaus , he wanted to be called Amazonas . The rivers of the world are the lovers of my life . They are all different yet somehow the same : always running from one place to another , always changing their mood , always indifferent to the people around them who admire their beauty . I never learned his name in Aguas Calientes , Peru . When I got to the town , the river was peaceful and silent . I went out to do some sightseeing and when I got back to the hotel to take a nap , the entire room started to shake . I ran to the window , afraid of an earthquake . Fire sirens sounded close by . I ran down to the hotel - lobby and was told that there was a flood : the river had swollen and become violent after one week of torrential rains . We were supposed to evacuate to a high place in town . Before I followed the other travelers to safety , I couldn 't resist going and taking a look at him . The river , that had been so tranquil in the morning , was dark and sweeping everything in his way . He was red with mud and anger . My gentle lover was exploding , ready to kill . I was in his arms in Thailand , and he embraced me gently while I glided on a flat bamboo boat guided by a man who respected the silence of the place . The river was like a mirror , reflPosted by There were only two places in the hotel - farm where I stayed in my recent trip to Brazil in which a cellular would work : in the corner of the veranda and over the refrigerator . Since climbing on the refrigerator was out of the question , the veranda was a very popular spot . But even in there the signal for the cell would appear and disappear without any rational explanation , making it almost impossible to place a call . After being in that hotel - farm for 3 days , we were thirsty for communication . In our way back to the city , we spotted some boys under a telephone pole holding their cells up in the air . Our driver did not hesitate one minute and stopped the car in the middle of the road so we , too , could try to get in touch with the civilization . How could we have survived without a cell for so long ? Nowadays , 3 days without a cellular is like slow death … I am sure that the kids of my kids will find it hard to believe , one day , that their grandmother grew up without a cell . They will probably look at me , puzzled , as if I were an extinct species , like the dinosaurs , and should be placed in a museum . I am also sure that I will find hard to explain to them that life did exist not only without a cell , but also without the television . Growing up , we had just one phone in the house . It was a huge black rotary phone that my girlfriends and I used to call some cute boys and hang up giggling when they answered … Other times I would be on the phone with my best friend for so long that my father would get exasperated and drive home to tell my mother what he had meant to say by phone … As for the TV , I saw the first one when I was about 10 years old and went to visit my grandmother in Rio de Janeiro . I was fascinated . The TV had not arrived yet in my hometown . Over there , in the evenings , we would place our chairs on the sidewalk in front of our house and sit for hours , talking with our neighbors . If we were lucky , the grandfather of my friend who lived next - door would tell us some magical stories . Later , when I was sent to a boardPosted by Can you see that door on the second floor of the house , the one with the air conditioner on top ? It was through the other door , the one on the left , that we used to jump outside to walk on the roof over the veranda , the kitchen , the laundry - room , until we got to the huge water - box and went down the precarious metal ladder to finally jump in the patio . My father used to get furious when we did that . We always ended up breaking some tiles and when he asked who had done that , nobody would volunteer … Now , can you see the veranda on the right , close to the pinkish flowers ? We had our meals in there , sitting at a big wooden table . Some evenings the mosquitoes were so insistent that we would eat walking around the table , trying to balance a plate and a glass of juice in our hands . Ah , but you weren 't there at that time and you almost can 't see the veranda in the picture . And it is so difficult to describe the past … I wonder if we become officially " old " when our memories start to look more interesting for us than the present . When we cross that tenuous line and our reminiscences seem so bright and we enjoy so much talking about them , is that when we are old ? But isn 't the past what makes us who we are , like a painter crafting the lines of our lives ? Sometimes I try to forget my past . The resolution doesn 't last long … In the mornings , when I turn to my left side of the bed to pick up a pencil and write down what I dreamed that night , it is my past that always appear showing glimpses of my sisters , my parents , my old friends , my house in Corumbá , Brazil . The green house changed colors many times . I seem to remember it being blue once . Many years ago it was grey . It was my grandfather , the owner of large farms and boats that went down the Paraguay River carrying merchandise , who built the house in 1937 . He imported Portuguese tiles for the floor . He also built a stable in the back . I remember vaguely the stable but I do remember very well the chickens that were kept in the backyard and the cook grabbing onPosted by The Peruvian taxi - driver was supposed to take me from Cusco to Oachutanga to see some Mayan ruins that stood majestic , defying the passage of time . I originally planned to go by bus with other tourists but since taxis were so inexpensive in that area , I decided to take one instead . Alberto , the taxi - driver , had already driven me to some places around Cusco and we made arrangements for him to pick me up at the hotel the following morning . When Alberto arrived in his taxi , he had a surprise for me : he had brought along his fiancée … He asked me if I minded and I was too astonished to say that I did so Alberto , his fiancée and myself set out for a day on the mountains . Alberto 's fiancée was very talkative . In five minutes she managed to extract from me details of my life that would take years for the people in the US to gather the courage to ask me about . Since I responded to her questions and added my own questions , we soon became best friends and she gave me a present : a CD that a cousin of hers had just released singing Peruvian songs and playing the flute . I was so pleased with the gift that Alberto and his fiancée offered to take me on a side trip to see an old lady who lived in a simple adobe house by a dirt road , and who prepared and sold some sort of corn beverage very popular in the region . It was after that stop , when we were all talking and laughing like old buddies , that I told Alberto and his fiancée that , in fact , the main objective of my trip to Peru had been to see a shaman who was going to perform some ceremonies for me . It turned out that Alberto knew all about the shaman , had already consulted him for some health issues and thought very high of him . Alberto was a firm believer on the shaman 's capability of healing and confided to me that he , Alberto , had a grandfather who was also a shaman and who had taught him how to read the destiny looking at cigarette ' ashes . Now , I have to confess that I am fascinated with fortune - tellers . If you tell me that there is someone who really does a goPosted by In 2006 I went to Thailand to what would be a magical trip . I rode elephants , visited golden temples full of Buddhist monks dressed in oranges robes , and toured the coastal villages in the south of the country that had been swept away by the unrelenting waves of the tsunami . However , nothing caused a deeper impression on me than the image of a girl with the saddest smile in the world . I never got to learn her name . In fact , we didn 't exchange one single word . She didn 't speak English and I didn 't speak Thai . Besides , what could I say to a girl who lived in an isolated village in the north of Thailand , on the border with Burma , who was one of the few remainders of the Long Neck Tribe ? For centuries the women of these tribes have worn ornamental brass rings around their necks . They add one ring at a time , with the objective of stretching their necks . The reasons why they do this got lost in time . But it is said that they take the rings off only on their weeding night because their muscles can no longer support the neck alone . The village where the girl lived was very poor . Chickens and dogs walked about sharing the terrain with women and children dressed in vibrant colors . Their huts were covered with straws and formed a meandering line that went all the way to the forest . Some of the women washed their necks and shoulders outside the huts , getting water from a barrel , still wearing their colorful clothes wrapped around themselves . The girl who caught my attention had her hair covered in the typical way of the northern Thai tribes and also wore the brass rings . But she had eye shadows and , over her traditional white blouse , she had a jeans jacket . Part of her lived in the past century while the other part yearned to be in the modern times . The traditions of the past seemed to be suffocating her with the heavy brass rings but still she was there , posing for tourist photos , with the saddest smile in the world . The Thai girl made me think about the weight that we all carry on us and sometimes makes us behave in waPosted by First we were told that there would be 300 of them ; then , the number changed to 100 . When we finally got to see the horsemen there were about 80 - men , women , young and old people , even babies in their mothers ' arms riding all kinds of horses . They had left the morning before from Nobres , a small town in the west of Brazil , and set camp for the night in the middle of a plateau . The following morning they had continued their journey and by nightfall they would be arriving at the town of Bom Jardim to participate in a big party with lots of dancing and drinks . I was traveling with my children , my sister and my aunt through a remote part of Brazil . In the afternoon , at the hotel - farm where we were staying , we had heard about the horsemen and hurried to the dirty road close to the farm to watch they pass by . For a minute I forgot that I was 55 years old and climbed on the roof of the Land Rover to follow the unusual parade . Some of the men took control of their horses with one hand leaving the other free to hold a beer can . Others made a point of dressing their horses with silvery ornaments . Others yet bragged about the competitions in which they had taken part and gotten first place on account of being the best to lasso a bull . The journey had been long and tiring but the horsemen seemed happy . What had made these people decide to participate in a 2 days ride from which they would certain leave with their butts and legs hurting ? Looking at their faces tanned by the sun I tried to picture their lives . They had come from small towns surrounded by farms full of cows grazing freely on the fields . Weekends , during the day , they could enjoy a barbecue with their friends or go to a creek to swim surrounded by golden fish . In the evenings they could sit at the patios in their hammocks and tell stories . If the lights went out , some candles would appear out of nowhere and the stories would continue undisturbed by this small inconvenience . And how about life in Newtown , US , where I lived ? On the weekends , during the days , peoPosted by I grew up with the banana man but he knows more about me than I know about him . He knows who my parents and my sisters are and he never fails to greet me when he sees me . I know only that he comes early in the morning pulling his cart , takes his fruits out of wooden crates and spread them over a flat board inside the cart . During the day he can be seen barefoot , sitting in a plastic chair in front of the cart , talking with people who pass by as comfortable as if he were in his living room . By the end of the day he puts his fruits away , covers his cart and heads to a home that I know nothing about . I don 't remember when I saw the banana man for the first time . Was he selling his fruits at my street since I was a kid and used to be sent to the small store around the corner with an old black composition book in which the vendor would write down everything I bought so my mother could pay him at the end of the month ? Was he already there when I was in elementary school and would pass by every day at 1pm , sweating in my white uniform under the relentless Brazilian sun , hauling my books on my way to school ? Was he there at Carnival times when the schools with people dressed in Indians costumes would parade throughout the streets at the sound of animated music ? I remember being at the front window of my house and watching the make - believe Indians dancing while I tried to hide behind my mother 's skirt , afraid of the faces painted in red and the enormous feathers adorning the Indian 's heads . I remember that , but I can 't remember if the banana man was already there at that time . The banana man was there for sure years later , when my elegant father started forgetting who he was and would dodge my mother 's surveillance and escape to the street shoeless . My father had been spotted talking with the banana man at that time . What did they talk about ? I wonder . The banana man had a word to say to everyone and his presence was always reassuring . I saw him last time in 2004 when I visited my hometown in Brazil and asked him Posted by |
I had gone up an elevator and was now in one of the high - up floors of the building . I walked through a hallway that seemed to be an extension of the elevator bank . The hallway was kind of dim , with cherry - colored wood walls and grey floors . I could see that the hallway opened out to a wide office floor , which seemed to be mostly unlit by electric light , but pretty well lit by greyish natural light . The hallway was filled with people , mostly young people , all bustling about . Amid these people , I saw my old boss , BS , walking into the bathroom . I thought I might say hi to him . But I reflected how he was always so reluctant to talk to me . So I didn 't say anything . Nevertheless , he may have stopped in the threshold when he saw me . I may have waved to him quickly . I was in a huge , empty room with some other guy , a kind of tall , muscular , young , white man wearing a t - shirt , khaki shorts , and a cap . We were both walking counter - clockwise around some cubic , concrete fixture in the floor . The fixture looked a bit like an altar . But it had an aluminum toilet seat and basin in its center . As we walked around the altar - toilet , the man was talking to me about some religion . He gave some name that sounded like a mix between " Seventh Day Adventist " and " Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . " The man was making it sound like the people who practiced this religion were really bad , and like they were actually planning to do bad things . But , I thought , people in generaly usually had a prejudice against people from this religion . At the same time , they also thought highly of people from this religion . Now the man was talking about how good the work ethic was for the people from this religion . As the man spoke about this , I was cleaning off the toilet seat . It seemed like there was a lot of grime and hair on the seat . I was wiping it off with a piece of toilet paper . But I don 't think I knew where to put the paper . The man mentioned some kind of eating habit the religious people had . It had to do with only eating at a specific time on a specific day of the week . The rest of the day was devoted to work . But the man said you could always spot a lazy guy in this religion by the way he works and the way he eats . The man seemed to be trying to disparage the whole religion with his comment . But after he 'd gotten most of the way through his comment , he stopped himself and commented on how well most people in the religion stuck to this regular eating and working ritual . Either I , I and some other man , or some man , was watching a news feed , either on TV or on a computer . An aircraft that was supposed to be an X - 15 rocket , but which really looked like a black - and - yellow painted space shuttle , was getting ready to land . The vehicle descended slowly through the blue sky . It landed on a faded tarmac strip . The landing seemed to go well . But the X - 15 was damaged somehow , and everybody knew it was in danger . The X - 15 began skidding off to the left . It coasted off the tarmac , onto some grass , and finally stopped beside a chain - link fence . My view of all this was now from within the scene , as if I were floating above it in a helicopter . Everybody was now thinking that the X - 15 had been internally damaged and that it was going to explode . A crew of workers had come up to the X - 15 to pull the crew members out of the vehicle before it exploded . The X - 15 now looked like a big Hummer or a big pick - up truck . The crew members were all crammed together in the front and back seats . They all looked like tourists in their fifties , kind of overweight , wearing nice jeans and shirts . They looked like they were all having a good , easygoing time , even though they were being pulled out of explosive wreckage . Most of the flight crew and rescue crew had gotten away from the X - 15 . But now a different group of people came up to the vehicle . It was a group of old women , maybe in their sixties . They all thought this wreckage was a wonderful tourist attraction , and that they might sit around in it . By this time , the X - 15 really just looked like a big , yellow , pick - up truck with no roof . I saw the back end of the vehicle burst out with a jet of steam . I knew that the rest of the vehicle would probably now explode in a fireball . I may have seen one small , fiery explosion . But the old ladies didn 't even seem to feel it . They were doing things like taking pictures of themselves on their phones . Some guy was telling me how he thought some musical was only okay . I may have felt bad about this , because I may have been the one to introduce him to the movie of the musical . The man said the musical all began well enough , but that by the end of the musical , everything about it seemed so shockingly racist . Plus , the actual quality of the drama and the songs just got cheaper and cheaper . The man may have said that the turning point in the musical for him was the song " When You 're a Jet . " I then realized that the man was probably talking about the musical West Side Story . It surprised me that I 'd introduced this musical to somebody , since I 'd never been a really big fan of it . I was sitting on a bed in a hospital room . My dad was laying on the bed . I had my phone on the bed and the headphones in my ears . I was talking to my dad . But at the same time , I was walking backwards away from him . The hospital room was large . It took me a long time to move backwards all the way to the door . I stood right on the threshold of the door . I now saw a stereotypical " sexy nurse " standing in the room with my dad . It suddenly occurred to me that my dad was going in for surgery . I had a feeling it was a pretty critical surgery . My dad had been given some sort of tranquilizer pill . It was already making him groggy , making him talk weird . My dad saw me leaving the room and kept saying , " Goodbye , Charlie , " as if I were some guy named Charlie he 'd known from his past . I took this to mean that not only was my dad groggy from the medicine he was taking , but that the disease he was in the hospital for was badly affecting his mind . I was in my family 's kitchen . It was daytime , and greyish - white light shone in through the windows . My third oldest nephew stood at the edge of the kitchen counter , reading a big , white , paper card . My nephew held up the menu at a slant by leaning it up against my mom 's laptop computer , which stood open on the kitchen counter . I looked at the card . Apparently it was a menu . The menu was probbably at least partly written out . But everything in the menu was so divided that it looked like a depiction of a TV dinner . And there did seem even to be drawings of TV - dinner - like food . I had walked into a backyard . It was night , but there seemed to be yard lights on everywhere . The sky was the only thing that seemed really dark . I was sat down on the lawn . The grass was tall , thick , and green - - maybe even a little dewy . I may have had my headphones in my ears . I was singing a song . The dog did surprise me , and I did stop singing . I looked up to see where the dog was . It was in the yard at the corner of this yard . I suddenly got mad that that the dog had barked at me . I wasn 't going to take it . I started singing again , but the dog started barking again . So now I stood up and yelled at the dog in the loudest voice I could , " Stop your bullshit ! I 'm sick of it ! I 'm not going to take it anymore ! " I could see that in the yard directly back of this yard , behind a tall fence , there was another dog , behind a tall fence . This dog had been running up to the fence to bark at me , too . But I now went crazy , yelling at both of the dogs . I had the idea that I was going to jump back into the yards and fight the dogs . The dogs seemed to have stopped barking . But I had pretty much gotten distracted from singing . There was a tall , wooden - slatted fence inside the yard I was in . It seemed to enclose some special - purpose area just behind the house . For some reason , I flew up and landed on the top of that fence . I stood balancing on the fence , keeping a lookout for something . My sister walked into the backyard . She looked a bit younger , like she was in her late teens . She was kind of skinny . She wore a long , baggy , green hooded sweatshirt . She had long , blondish hair and was wearing black mascara . My sister said hi to me . She may have asked me how I was doing . She may have been really concerned about me for some reason . I may have tried to ease her mind by saying something not relating to what I 'd just been through . But I said , " Yeah , I 'm just standing up here to keep an eye out for strange people . This one strange guy has been following me home on the bus lately , I think . " I was sitting on a couch in a living room , probably with my mom . It was probably night . The living room was lit with slightly dim , incandescent light . I couldn 't see much of the living room . Most of my view was taken up by a mountain of clutter that stood on a coffee table in front of the couch . I knelt down on the floor and grabbed my cell phone off the coffee table . I probably put the right headphone in my ear . I 'd decided to call a female acquaintance of mine , a really good friend of my old friend R . I had this woman 's number in my phone . The woman 's voicemail picked up . There were some strange sounds at first , as if the phone had actually been picked up by some living person , but the person had just not realized they 'd picked up the phone . I heard a number of women talking . Then , finally , one of the women came to the phone and started leaving a voicemail greeting . The woman said this phone was the phone for the house of herself and two other women , who would take any messages anybody left for them . But my acquaintance was the fourth woman in the house . The woman on the voicemail greeting said that my acquaintance was not taking any messages , especially from me . The voicemail woman said that I 'd either done something really crazy to my acquaintance or that I 'd acted so interested in the woman that she now feared I was stalking her . So she was not going to take any messages from me . I think I hung up the phone , upset that I couldn 't leave a message . But I picked up the phone again and either dialed the same number or a different number that also belonged to my acquaintance . I knew there had to be a way for me to get in touch with this woman . I now got a different voicemail . This time , my acquaintance was speaking . But it was almost like she was leaving a voicemail greeting just for me - - like the voicemail greeting was a message she 'd left on my personal voicemail . My acquaintance sounded really panicked . She said that she needed my help really bad . My friend R had her in a compromising position , and he was also putting her in physical danger . I was probably out driving through some desert , possibly with some other people , such as my mom . It was daytime . The sky hung low with heavy , grey clouds . I was afraid of a thunderstorm coming . We were headed to some particular place in the desert , so we could take care of some task . But I suddenly remembered that there was another place in the desert - - some place in Texas , I remembered - - where Wal - Mart had built a " green " store . The Wal - Mart was " green " because it sold " green " food . This meant food that was made in a way that didn 't hurt the environment . But it also meant healthy food . The " green " Wal - Mart in Texas was a test store . If it was successful , Wal - Mart would build more like it all over the country . I was now in the parking lot of a Wal - Mart . The sky was the same . The parking felt enormous , but kind of grey , old , and dirty . The front of the Wal - Mart store also looked old . The store actually had a different name on the front , in green lettering . I wasn 't sure this was the correct Wal - Mart . So I asked a woman who was pushing a line of carts into the store . The woman was short and a tiny bit thick - framed , with copper - colored skin and long , black hair . The woman didn 't really answer me . She just let me know , somehow , that she was annoyed by me . A young man came up to us when he saw the woman was annoyed by me . He was blonde , pale - skinned , and muscly , with his hair in a square , spiky cut . He spoke roughly with me , trying to get me to go away from the woman . But the woman told the man that I was just trying to figure out whether this was a " green " Wal - Mart . The man thought that by " green " I just meant a place that only sold vegetables . I tried to explain to him what " green " really meant . But the young man didn 't really want to listen to me . As we approached the sliding glass door entrance , the young man walked away from the woman and me , saying that if I wanted to find out if this was a green store , all I had to do was walk inside I was at a hotel , getting breakfast . But I was in some kind of strange back - room , kind of area . It was almost like some sort of connection to the kitchen . But it was just a long hallway . Hallway had beige walls and beige - tiled floors , and was lit with gentle incandescent light . A counter ran along the right wall of the hallway . Over the counter , the wall was completely lined with fixtures that looked partly like cupboards and partly like coffee dispensers - - or coffee - bean dispensers . These fixtures held all the food that the hotel kitchen would use in making its breakfasts . I was working at the hotel ( but not for the hotel ) at the moment . So I was thought of as a staff member . I , therefore , took all my breakfasts directly from the hotel 's stock of supplies , instead of having to wait for the kitchen to make breakfast for me . But I was having trouble finding what I wanted for breakfast . All I could find so far was some kind of bread , possibly a bagel , and some kind of flavored cream cheese , probably strawberry - flavored . I walked through the hallway and scanned the fixtures , looking for more food . But nothing seemed appropriate . The hallway went in something like a square loop , which I traversed clockwise . At some point I had reversed my walk , and was traversing the loop counter - clockwise . But something like a door made me stop walking . It was like a kitchen door . I knew that beyond the door were people who were not hotel staff . I was too shy to be seen by them . Besides , I knew that they had their breakfast , and I had mine . I had to get my own breakfast without going out there to look for it . Now the fixtures were on the left wall instead of the right wall . I walked counter - clockwise through the first part of a loop . But then the fixtures were on the right wall again , and I was walking clockwishe . I kept thinking to myself , wondering what kind of food would be appropriate for breakfast , other than a piece of a bagel and some strawberry cream cheese . But nothing really came to mind . At some point I was facing a wall of fixtures . I turned away from it to find myself in a place like a Whole Foods . But it was empty of people , and , it seemed , largely empty of food and furniture . But it seemed a lot more likely that I would find something I wanted for breakfast here . I then came to a small area like a soup shop . There were a few people here . One of the people was JS , the head of my department at one of my old jobs . She and one other woman were customers . There were a couple of workers as well . There was some sign up on the wall saying what was being served today . All I was really looking for was breakfast . But the main service area was just a set of big , black pots filled with soup and something that looked like meat and sesame noodles . I didn 't want any of this . But I also didn 't want to look like somebody who was so tasteless that he wouldn 't want any of this food . I figured the other customers would think I was vulgar . So I snuck away from the area , hoping nobody would notice me . I was back in the huge , empty space . I was walking past the empty glass cases again . Now I saw a lot more breads and cream cheeses . I wondered if it was okay for someone to eat that much bread and cream cheese , or only to have bread and cream cheese for breakfast . But I saw a pineapple - flavored cream cheese . I thought that if cream cheeses were flavored , then it wasn 't such a bad thing for someone only to have bread and cream cheese for breakfast . I was with a few other people in some area like a cafeteria in a hospital building . But there were only three or four tables in this area . The tables were all tall , and they stood in a line , from the left wall to the right wall . The right wall was green . The left wall was partly a green wall and partly a window - wall , with the inside coated with some reflective , silvery material . I and at least one child had to jump from one table top to the next . This was supposed to be a test of our athletic ability . A man was monitoring our progress . One boy was currently jumping across the tables . I stood on the floor , watching the boy . The man stood on the floor , on the opposite side of the tables from me , walking along with the boy and guiding him . The boy had been jumping from the left to the right . But when the boy reached the right wall , the man told him he had to jump all the way back to the far left table . The boy jumped . He floated through the air kind of dizzily , almost as if he were flying . It seemed like he made it all the way across the room . But I 'm pretty sure he landed right back at the right table . The boy then tried the jump again . By accident , the boy jumped through the right wall . He reappeared through the left wall and landed on the left table . He jumped on all the tables and ended up back at the right table . This was the end of his test . The man said , " Now you see the secret of this . It 's jumping through the wall . You come back around . Like in the Pac - Man game . It wastes much less energy than jumping all the way across the room . But you did it by accident this time . And you can do it on purpose . " I was now standing on the far left table . Apparently I was supposed to show the boy that it was completely possible to jump through the walls on purpose . But I was unsure of myself . I was certain I couldn 't even have done the across - the - room " jump " the boy had first done . I couldn 't jump very far at all . And the tables were - - now , anyway - - pretty far away from the walls to begin with . Would I even hit the wall ? But it was my task at least to try to jump to and through the wall . So I turned toward the left wall . As I did I saw , in a corner of the room off to my left , JS . She seemed to be monitoring my progress as well . I knew I couldn 't disappoint JS . So I jumped off the table . The wall was at least five meters away . I was surprised that I seemed to be reaching the wall with no problem . But I wondered if I would get through it . The wall was the silvery - coated window wall . ( And , now that I think of it , I didn 't see my reflection in the dim , shimmery material . ) I cringed as I approached the wall . But I got through it . But I didn 't end up on the other side of the room . Instead , I ended up outside , at night . I was in some weird kind of concrete space , a set of balconies , like the twisting portions of a parking garage . I fell down a couple of stories and finally landed in a narrow rectangle . I wondered what my failure was . I heard the man 's voice in my head . The man told me that I 'd jumped through an area - - something like a transition area - - instead of jumping through a regular piece of wall . The man seemed to think this was normal , as I 'd been dealing with some kind of transition space before I 'd come to the jumping training . I knew the man was right , and I could actually remember having come from the transition space before the training . But I also knew that the window - wall was a door to the transition space . If I 'd only gone through the regular portion of the wall , I would have jumped through to the other side of the room just fine . I had just been part of some situation where somebody had been trying to tell someone else how far away one point in Texas was from another point . The person telling this had been lazy and wrong . I thought to myself that all he 'd had to do was show a couple of points on a map and figure out things that way . I was now figuring out the distances between the towns myself . One town was in south central Texas . The other town was on the east border of south Texas . I was looking at these two towns from a map . But the map took up my entire field of view . It felt like I was flying over the map , looking down on some actual landscape , even though it looked just like a map . I kept flying over the border of Texas , spotting three towns that lay right on the border . One was San Martin . I forgot the name of the second one , which was farther south . The one farthest south was named Moon . I was now with somebody else , a young man , tall , roundly muscular , with a mostly - shaved head . We were apparently driving to the town on the border of Texas . I knew that the town was 683 miles away . We spoke about driving . As we did I saw our destination , or one of our destinations , in the distance . It was a small down at the distant end of a straight highway . The sky behind the town was purple and dim from sunset . There also seemed to be some kind of stone bluff that was taller than any building in the town . Or else this stone bluff may actually have been the hotel building where we were staying . We were now in the hotel . It must have been night . We didn 't have many lights on in the bedroom of the hotel . Only light from the bathroom shone into the bedroom . We were probably getting ready for bed or getting up and getting ready for the day . But now a man from the hotel came in . He was tall , thin , with longish , blonde - brown hair and a receding hairline . He wore a white shirt and a red vest . The man told us that he needed us to move out of this room into another room . There were some kind of important people , the man explained , who needed the room we were in . He told us that people had either moved out of or been kicked out of the other room . Everybody else in the hotel thought , because of the people who 'd been in that room , that the room was really bad . But , the hotel man said , the room was really the best room in the hotel . The man was keeping this secret for us , if we would be so kind as to move . The man I was with didn 't have a problem with moving . But I did . Apparently I had to go somewhere for work . I was actually getting ready to go there right now . I had to be to a meeting at 10 AM . And that was right in the middle of the time when I needed to be to the meeting . I was slinging on a suit jacket as I thought to myself that , after all , the man I was with could move all our stuff into the other hotel room . Or the hotel people could do it . But I didn 't trust things either way . As long as I couldn 't be here to see things getting moved , I couldn 't trust that something wouldn 't get lost . I really didn 't want to move , even if we did get a better room . I was at a movie theatre . It was gigantic . It was all dark , with almost a feeling that we were outside on a dark night - - possibly just because the place was so huge . The seats of the theatre were all set , in huge sections , at different angles . My section was set so that my left side faced the movie screen . I had probably just finished watching one movie . Now another movie was set to begin . I didn 't have a ticket to watch this movie . But I figured that if I just stayed in my seat , I could watch the second movie without getting caught . Now it was like the second movie was a movie I had been here to see all along . I was really excited for it . But as I sat waiting , two women came into my row of seats and sat down to my left . The two women were maybe in their thirties , kind of attractive , but a little worn out looking , and a little boisterous and crude . The women may have been talking about the show . Apparently the show was either a concert or a movie about a concert . The band " in concert " was some new rock band that the women were in love with . The band had a punky but smart sensibility . I didn 't like that type of music . But I think I convinced myself I liked them . Otherwise , I reasoned , I wouldn 't be here . The woman closest to me tossed a bunch of boxes into the seat between her and me . The boxes were bulky and blocked my view of the screen . But the woman didn 't seem satisfied with that . She began pushing the boxes - - and something on top of the boxes - - at me , crowding me out of my own chair . I moved away . I sat on my seat 's armrest . I think I even moved over to the next seat to my right . But by that time , I may have been to the aisle . I couldn 't go any farther . I figured this was enough . I was tired of being crowded out by the women . I was going to leave . I was now walking away . I was outside , on a long , straight road through a small town in the desert . It was daytime . There were a lot of cars out on the road . Now I was regretting not having stayed for the show . I remembered that maybe , after all , the band was good . I could now hear the beginning of the movie , as if I were still close enough to the theatre to hear the movie . The band had just come out on stage . They said they were going to do a cover version of the Beatles song " Love Me Do . " The person who had introduced the band onto the stage said something like , " Oh , that 's actually one of the hardest Beatles songs to cover . Good luck , guys . " But I remembered that the band had done the cover pretty well . I could now hear the song in my head . It sounded like " Love Me Do , " but with the soft - punky sound of the band . I thought it was okay . I was walking for just a moment through the neighborhood I 'd lived in when I was in high school . I may have been looking at my phone . My sister was asking me a lot of personal information . I didn 't want to give it to her . I felt like she would use it in bad ways . I had then come into an office building . I was in a big hallway that seemed to curve around some large auditorium . The hallway was white with grey carpeting and fluorescent light . It felt like a hallway inside a new church building to me . At some point a man told me that I 'd better get ready , because everybody was going to be moving out of this building pretty soon . Possibly a tall , slim , black woman told me the same thing . The woman was like some kind of important secretary . The man , whom I saw somewhere , was an IT person . He was tallish , fattish , and bald , with red - brown hair on the sides of his head and a red - brown mustache . I had been thinking about what the IT man had said . A lot of these guys were IT guys . They spoke to me about where the IT operations for the company were going to move . Most of it , they said , would be in a building different from the building I was going to . They mentioned some cities . I asked about a couple IT people , as if I were trying to confirm that they 'd done something for me in the past . But the others said I had the wrong people . They told me the name of the man who had actually helped me . They then told me either that that the man was no longer with the company or that he was going to be moving really far away . I had come from somewhere else and had now arrived in a hotel room , which was also set up as an office . The " office " side of the room was just a wall - length desk with two computers on it . The room was mostly dark , with just the glow of the computer screens and the incandescent light from some other room lighting the place . I was probably working here with a pretty , black woman . But right while we were in the middle of some project , " my boss " came in . He was an old man , kind of gruff looking , with blonde hair and a mustache . The man began giving us some speech which implied that he suspected me of something . He thought I was a bad person who was waiting for just the right moment to do something bad . I think he was just waiting for a reason to get rid of me . The man now began giving us some kind of justification for his feelings . He said he 'd worked for years as a SWAT team member or some kind of special operations guy . He got to know the signs of a bad person . The man then began telling us stories of how he 'd have to talk down people who 'd finally gone bad . The man said that he 'd really been aiming to shoot the people dead all along . But you had to go through a whole protocol before you could finally kill the guy . The man stood before us , re - enacting a scene . It now seemed like the man was wearing heavy SWAT team gear . He seemed to be a bit younger , but also a lot more wrinkled and worn out . His hair was a whole lot thinner , but a lot longer . And his eyes were frantic and bugged - out . He may have been holding a rifle . The man told us how he 'd balance legal phrases intended to calm down the target with a manner of speech calculated to frighten the target and make him jumpy . The man said , " I 'd keep telling the creep , ' Put down your gun ! You 're alright ! Put down your gun ! ' But , really , I was just egging him on . I wanted him to lift his gun , so I could blow his head off ! " The man seemed so frantic by this point in time that I could hardly bear looking at him . But now there was the sound of sirens . I turned around and looked toward the curtained window of the hotel room . I could see full , grey daylight coming in dimly below the bottom fringe of the curtain . I was waiting to see the flashing lights accompanying the sirens . I was in an arcade , possibly with a few kids . Other than those kids , the arcade was empty of people . The arcade was divided into a few " rooms . " The place was lit kind of brightly , for an arcade , with incandescent lights . At some point I was sitting at a video game booth , like I was playing a driving game . At another point , I was playing some other video game . I had my face close up to the screen . And , later on , I was pumping coins frantically into the game . There were three people , of whom I may have been one , though I saw all three people from a third person view . The other two were a young man and a young woman . The three stood among a crowd of people who were seated at an outdoor restaurant . It was night , and the moonlight shone on everybody at the restaurant . It felt like the restaurant was huge , extending far back under some shelter in the distance . A blonde business woman came up to the three , but focused on the two young people . She may have handed the two some kind of business form , then told the two that she was no longer going to allow them to stay here . Apparently the two people had been living in this restaurant . They had even , while the restaurant was open , been making meals for customers , like some kind of renegade chefs . The business woman walked away . The two now knew that they were " evicted " from this place . They could no longer live here and make food here . The third person ( me ? ) wished he could have stood up for the other two while the business woman had been handing them the papers . But he couldn 't have done anything , apparently . But now there was another woman , a kind of short , girlish - looking , blonde woman . She was the business woman 's assistant . The assistant was holding something that looked like a red , plastic Folger 's coffee jar filled with some kind of white sauce , like ranch dressing or secret sauce . The assistant said , " My boss owns all kinds of restaurants . She can 't oversee them all . So some of them do terribly . There are a few that are closed down . " Time had passed . I ( or the third person ? ) had gone out to look for an abandoned restaurant . I 'd found one . Now I had to pick up the young man and woman in secret , so the business woman wouldn 't know we were going . The young man and woman were sitting out at a table at an outdoor restaurant that was closed for the night and empty . The moon may have been large in the sky , shining down on the young man and woman . I ran down the aisle of tables , then grabbed the young woman 's hand and began running with her . The young man began running as well . As I 'd grabbed three woman 's hand , I 'd knocked some silverware off the table . I was in an office , showing my boss a stack of paperwork I 'd done . My boss told me something along the lines that I was doing a good job , but that I should probably slow it down . He may also have referred to some guy in my paperwork , telling me that I had made a mistake in his files . If I 'd slowed down , I wouldn 't have made the mistake . I now led my boss into another office , which was apparently my office . I showed my boss another stack of paperwork , a lot of which had to do with the guy . Somehow my boss had come to understand that I hadn 't made the mistakes he 'd thought I 'd made , and that I wasn 't working too fast . My boss said that he 'd leave me alone with my work , then . It was night . I was driving through some suburban area by myself . I was probably driving to my family 's house . I may have been living at my family 's house at the time . As I slowed down to park at the curb in front of my family 's house , I passed a few houses . All the houses had almost all their lights off . Only a few lonely glimmers shone from the houses . I remarked to myself , as I pulled my car to a stop , then backed it up a bit to get parallel with the curb , that it was strange how far away I thought the people were who I spoke with at work , but how close they really were . This was a little eerie and unsettling to me . Something about the man being in the military also unsettled me . It was a bright , sunny day . I stood out before a tall , grassy hill with a young girl . The hill was a lot like a hill in my hometown . There seemed to be a vineyard growing on the hill . But all the grape vines seemed to be growing widely spaced apart , and they stood almost as tall as trees . The grape plants also seemed to be growing cone - like masses of flowers , like wisteria flowers . The whole space was surrounded by a kind of short , run - down wooden fence . I pointed the vineyard out to the girl , pointing with my left hand . I told the girl that I felt like I should have known about this vineyard for a long time . Maybe I had known about it , but I just hadn 't cared about it . Now it was in bad shape . I wondered if I couldn 't fix it up some . I then noticed a huge tree , in its own fence , either inside the vineyard or just outside it . The trunk of the tree looked really ragged , like the tree was old or in bad shape . The tree may also have been barren of leafs . But it was growing cones of flowers , like a chesnut tree or a catalpa tree . |
I had gone up an elevator and was now in one of the high - up floors of the building . I walked through a hallway that seemed to be an extension of the elevator bank . The hallway was kind of dim , with cherry - colored wood walls and grey floors . I could see that the hallway opened out to a wide office floor , which seemed to be mostly unlit by electric light , but pretty well lit by greyish natural light . The hallway was filled with people , mostly young people , all bustling about . Amid these people , I saw my old boss , BS , walking into the bathroom . I thought I might say hi to him . But I reflected how he was always so reluctant to talk to me . So I didn 't say anything . Nevertheless , he may have stopped in the threshold when he saw me . I may have waved to him quickly . I was in a huge , empty room with some other guy , a kind of tall , muscular , young , white man wearing a t - shirt , khaki shorts , and a cap . We were both walking counter - clockwise around some cubic , concrete fixture in the floor . The fixture looked a bit like an altar . But it had an aluminum toilet seat and basin in its center . As we walked around the altar - toilet , the man was talking to me about some religion . He gave some name that sounded like a mix between " Seventh Day Adventist " and " Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . " The man was making it sound like the people who practiced this religion were really bad , and like they were actually planning to do bad things . But , I thought , people in generaly usually had a prejudice against people from this religion . At the same time , they also thought highly of people from this religion . Now the man was talking about how good the work ethic was for the people from this religion . As the man spoke about this , I was cleaning off the toilet seat . It seemed like there was a lot of grime and hair on the seat . I was wiping it off with a piece of toilet paper . But I don 't think I knew where to put the paper . The man mentioned some kind of eating habit the religious people had . It had to do with only eating at a specific time on a specific day of the week . The rest of the day was devoted to work . But the man said you could always spot a lazy guy in this religion by the way he works and the way he eats . The man seemed to be trying to disparage the whole religion with his comment . But after he 'd gotten most of the way through his comment , he stopped himself and commented on how well most people in the religion stuck to this regular eating and working ritual . Either I , I and some other man , or some man , was watching a news feed , either on TV or on a computer . An aircraft that was supposed to be an X - 15 rocket , but which really looked like a black - and - yellow painted space shuttle , was getting ready to land . The vehicle descended slowly through the blue sky . It landed on a faded tarmac strip . The landing seemed to go well . But the X - 15 was damaged somehow , and everybody knew it was in danger . The X - 15 began skidding off to the left . It coasted off the tarmac , onto some grass , and finally stopped beside a chain - link fence . My view of all this was now from within the scene , as if I were floating above it in a helicopter . Everybody was now thinking that the X - 15 had been internally damaged and that it was going to explode . A crew of workers had come up to the X - 15 to pull the crew members out of the vehicle before it exploded . The X - 15 now looked like a big Hummer or a big pick - up truck . The crew members were all crammed together in the front and back seats . They all looked like tourists in their fifties , kind of overweight , wearing nice jeans and shirts . They looked like they were all having a good , easygoing time , even though they were being pulled out of explosive wreckage . Most of the flight crew and rescue crew had gotten away from the X - 15 . But now a different group of people came up to the vehicle . It was a group of old women , maybe in their sixties . They all thought this wreckage was a wonderful tourist attraction , and that they might sit around in it . By this time , the X - 15 really just looked like a big , yellow , pick - up truck with no roof . I saw the back end of the vehicle burst out with a jet of steam . I knew that the rest of the vehicle would probably now explode in a fireball . I may have seen one small , fiery explosion . But the old ladies didn 't even seem to feel it . They were doing things like taking pictures of themselves on their phones . Some guy was telling me how he thought some musical was only okay . I may have felt bad about this , because I may have been the one to introduce him to the movie of the musical . The man said the musical all began well enough , but that by the end of the musical , everything about it seemed so shockingly racist . Plus , the actual quality of the drama and the songs just got cheaper and cheaper . The man may have said that the turning point in the musical for him was the song " When You 're a Jet . " I then realized that the man was probably talking about the musical West Side Story . It surprised me that I 'd introduced this musical to somebody , since I 'd never been a really big fan of it . I was sitting on a bed in a hospital room . My dad was laying on the bed . I had my phone on the bed and the headphones in my ears . I was talking to my dad . But at the same time , I was walking backwards away from him . The hospital room was large . It took me a long time to move backwards all the way to the door . I stood right on the threshold of the door . I now saw a stereotypical " sexy nurse " standing in the room with my dad . It suddenly occurred to me that my dad was going in for surgery . I had a feeling it was a pretty critical surgery . My dad had been given some sort of tranquilizer pill . It was already making him groggy , making him talk weird . My dad saw me leaving the room and kept saying , " Goodbye , Charlie , " as if I were some guy named Charlie he 'd known from his past . I took this to mean that not only was my dad groggy from the medicine he was taking , but that the disease he was in the hospital for was badly affecting his mind . I was in my family 's kitchen . It was daytime , and greyish - white light shone in through the windows . My third oldest nephew stood at the edge of the kitchen counter , reading a big , white , paper card . My nephew held up the menu at a slant by leaning it up against my mom 's laptop computer , which stood open on the kitchen counter . I looked at the card . Apparently it was a menu . The menu was probbably at least partly written out . But everything in the menu was so divided that it looked like a depiction of a TV dinner . And there did seem even to be drawings of TV - dinner - like food . I had walked into a backyard . It was night , but there seemed to be yard lights on everywhere . The sky was the only thing that seemed really dark . I was sat down on the lawn . The grass was tall , thick , and green - - maybe even a little dewy . I may have had my headphones in my ears . I was singing a song . The dog did surprise me , and I did stop singing . I looked up to see where the dog was . It was in the yard at the corner of this yard . I suddenly got mad that that the dog had barked at me . I wasn 't going to take it . I started singing again , but the dog started barking again . So now I stood up and yelled at the dog in the loudest voice I could , " Stop your bullshit ! I 'm sick of it ! I 'm not going to take it anymore ! " I could see that in the yard directly back of this yard , behind a tall fence , there was another dog , behind a tall fence . This dog had been running up to the fence to bark at me , too . But I now went crazy , yelling at both of the dogs . I had the idea that I was going to jump back into the yards and fight the dogs . The dogs seemed to have stopped barking . But I had pretty much gotten distracted from singing . There was a tall , wooden - slatted fence inside the yard I was in . It seemed to enclose some special - purpose area just behind the house . For some reason , I flew up and landed on the top of that fence . I stood balancing on the fence , keeping a lookout for something . My sister walked into the backyard . She looked a bit younger , like she was in her late teens . She was kind of skinny . She wore a long , baggy , green hooded sweatshirt . She had long , blondish hair and was wearing black mascara . My sister said hi to me . She may have asked me how I was doing . She may have been really concerned about me for some reason . I may have tried to ease her mind by saying something not relating to what I 'd just been through . But I said , " Yeah , I 'm just standing up here to keep an eye out for strange people . This one strange guy has been following me home on the bus lately , I think . " I was sitting on a couch in a living room , probably with my mom . It was probably night . The living room was lit with slightly dim , incandescent light . I couldn 't see much of the living room . Most of my view was taken up by a mountain of clutter that stood on a coffee table in front of the couch . I knelt down on the floor and grabbed my cell phone off the coffee table . I probably put the right headphone in my ear . I 'd decided to call a female acquaintance of mine , a really good friend of my old friend R . I had this woman 's number in my phone . The woman 's voicemail picked up . There were some strange sounds at first , as if the phone had actually been picked up by some living person , but the person had just not realized they 'd picked up the phone . I heard a number of women talking . Then , finally , one of the women came to the phone and started leaving a voicemail greeting . The woman said this phone was the phone for the house of herself and two other women , who would take any messages anybody left for them . But my acquaintance was the fourth woman in the house . The woman on the voicemail greeting said that my acquaintance was not taking any messages , especially from me . The voicemail woman said that I 'd either done something really crazy to my acquaintance or that I 'd acted so interested in the woman that she now feared I was stalking her . So she was not going to take any messages from me . I think I hung up the phone , upset that I couldn 't leave a message . But I picked up the phone again and either dialed the same number or a different number that also belonged to my acquaintance . I knew there had to be a way for me to get in touch with this woman . I now got a different voicemail . This time , my acquaintance was speaking . But it was almost like she was leaving a voicemail greeting just for me - - like the voicemail greeting was a message she 'd left on my personal voicemail . My acquaintance sounded really panicked . She said that she needed my help really bad . My friend R had her in a compromising position , and he was also putting her in physical danger . I was probably out driving through some desert , possibly with some other people , such as my mom . It was daytime . The sky hung low with heavy , grey clouds . I was afraid of a thunderstorm coming . We were headed to some particular place in the desert , so we could take care of some task . But I suddenly remembered that there was another place in the desert - - some place in Texas , I remembered - - where Wal - Mart had built a " green " store . The Wal - Mart was " green " because it sold " green " food . This meant food that was made in a way that didn 't hurt the environment . But it also meant healthy food . The " green " Wal - Mart in Texas was a test store . If it was successful , Wal - Mart would build more like it all over the country . I was now in the parking lot of a Wal - Mart . The sky was the same . The parking felt enormous , but kind of grey , old , and dirty . The front of the Wal - Mart store also looked old . The store actually had a different name on the front , in green lettering . I wasn 't sure this was the correct Wal - Mart . So I asked a woman who was pushing a line of carts into the store . The woman was short and a tiny bit thick - framed , with copper - colored skin and long , black hair . The woman didn 't really answer me . She just let me know , somehow , that she was annoyed by me . A young man came up to us when he saw the woman was annoyed by me . He was blonde , pale - skinned , and muscly , with his hair in a square , spiky cut . He spoke roughly with me , trying to get me to go away from the woman . But the woman told the man that I was just trying to figure out whether this was a " green " Wal - Mart . The man thought that by " green " I just meant a place that only sold vegetables . I tried to explain to him what " green " really meant . But the young man didn 't really want to listen to me . As we approached the sliding glass door entrance , the young man walked away from the woman and me , saying that if I wanted to find out if this was a green store , all I had to do was walk inside I was at a hotel , getting breakfast . But I was in some kind of strange back - room , kind of area . It was almost like some sort of connection to the kitchen . But it was just a long hallway . Hallway had beige walls and beige - tiled floors , and was lit with gentle incandescent light . A counter ran along the right wall of the hallway . Over the counter , the wall was completely lined with fixtures that looked partly like cupboards and partly like coffee dispensers - - or coffee - bean dispensers . These fixtures held all the food that the hotel kitchen would use in making its breakfasts . I was working at the hotel ( but not for the hotel ) at the moment . So I was thought of as a staff member . I , therefore , took all my breakfasts directly from the hotel 's stock of supplies , instead of having to wait for the kitchen to make breakfast for me . But I was having trouble finding what I wanted for breakfast . All I could find so far was some kind of bread , possibly a bagel , and some kind of flavored cream cheese , probably strawberry - flavored . I walked through the hallway and scanned the fixtures , looking for more food . But nothing seemed appropriate . The hallway went in something like a square loop , which I traversed clockwise . At some point I had reversed my walk , and was traversing the loop counter - clockwise . But something like a door made me stop walking . It was like a kitchen door . I knew that beyond the door were people who were not hotel staff . I was too shy to be seen by them . Besides , I knew that they had their breakfast , and I had mine . I had to get my own breakfast without going out there to look for it . Now the fixtures were on the left wall instead of the right wall . I walked counter - clockwise through the first part of a loop . But then the fixtures were on the right wall again , and I was walking clockwishe . I kept thinking to myself , wondering what kind of food would be appropriate for breakfast , other than a piece of a bagel and some strawberry cream cheese . But nothing really came to mind . At some point I was facing a wall of fixtures . I turned away from it to find myself in a place like a Whole Foods . But it was empty of people , and , it seemed , largely empty of food and furniture . But it seemed a lot more likely that I would find something I wanted for breakfast here . I then came to a small area like a soup shop . There were a few people here . One of the people was JS , the head of my department at one of my old jobs . She and one other woman were customers . There were a couple of workers as well . There was some sign up on the wall saying what was being served today . All I was really looking for was breakfast . But the main service area was just a set of big , black pots filled with soup and something that looked like meat and sesame noodles . I didn 't want any of this . But I also didn 't want to look like somebody who was so tasteless that he wouldn 't want any of this food . I figured the other customers would think I was vulgar . So I snuck away from the area , hoping nobody would notice me . I was back in the huge , empty space . I was walking past the empty glass cases again . Now I saw a lot more breads and cream cheeses . I wondered if it was okay for someone to eat that much bread and cream cheese , or only to have bread and cream cheese for breakfast . But I saw a pineapple - flavored cream cheese . I thought that if cream cheeses were flavored , then it wasn 't such a bad thing for someone only to have bread and cream cheese for breakfast . I was with a few other people in some area like a cafeteria in a hospital building . But there were only three or four tables in this area . The tables were all tall , and they stood in a line , from the left wall to the right wall . The right wall was green . The left wall was partly a green wall and partly a window - wall , with the inside coated with some reflective , silvery material . I and at least one child had to jump from one table top to the next . This was supposed to be a test of our athletic ability . A man was monitoring our progress . One boy was currently jumping across the tables . I stood on the floor , watching the boy . The man stood on the floor , on the opposite side of the tables from me , walking along with the boy and guiding him . The boy had been jumping from the left to the right . But when the boy reached the right wall , the man told him he had to jump all the way back to the far left table . The boy jumped . He floated through the air kind of dizzily , almost as if he were flying . It seemed like he made it all the way across the room . But I 'm pretty sure he landed right back at the right table . The boy then tried the jump again . By accident , the boy jumped through the right wall . He reappeared through the left wall and landed on the left table . He jumped on all the tables and ended up back at the right table . This was the end of his test . The man said , " Now you see the secret of this . It 's jumping through the wall . You come back around . Like in the Pac - Man game . It wastes much less energy than jumping all the way across the room . But you did it by accident this time . And you can do it on purpose . " I was now standing on the far left table . Apparently I was supposed to show the boy that it was completely possible to jump through the walls on purpose . But I was unsure of myself . I was certain I couldn 't even have done the across - the - room " jump " the boy had first done . I couldn 't jump very far at all . And the tables were - - now , anyway - - pretty far away from the walls to begin with . Would I even hit the wall ? But it was my task at least to try to jump to and through the wall . So I turned toward the left wall . As I did I saw , in a corner of the room off to my left , JS . She seemed to be monitoring my progress as well . I knew I couldn 't disappoint JS . So I jumped off the table . The wall was at least five meters away . I was surprised that I seemed to be reaching the wall with no problem . But I wondered if I would get through it . The wall was the silvery - coated window wall . ( And , now that I think of it , I didn 't see my reflection in the dim , shimmery material . ) I cringed as I approached the wall . But I got through it . But I didn 't end up on the other side of the room . Instead , I ended up outside , at night . I was in some weird kind of concrete space , a set of balconies , like the twisting portions of a parking garage . I fell down a couple of stories and finally landed in a narrow rectangle . I wondered what my failure was . I heard the man 's voice in my head . The man told me that I 'd jumped through an area - - something like a transition area - - instead of jumping through a regular piece of wall . The man seemed to think this was normal , as I 'd been dealing with some kind of transition space before I 'd come to the jumping training . I knew the man was right , and I could actually remember having come from the transition space before the training . But I also knew that the window - wall was a door to the transition space . If I 'd only gone through the regular portion of the wall , I would have jumped through to the other side of the room just fine . I had just been part of some situation where somebody had been trying to tell someone else how far away one point in Texas was from another point . The person telling this had been lazy and wrong . I thought to myself that all he 'd had to do was show a couple of points on a map and figure out things that way . I was now figuring out the distances between the towns myself . One town was in south central Texas . The other town was on the east border of south Texas . I was looking at these two towns from a map . But the map took up my entire field of view . It felt like I was flying over the map , looking down on some actual landscape , even though it looked just like a map . I kept flying over the border of Texas , spotting three towns that lay right on the border . One was San Martin . I forgot the name of the second one , which was farther south . The one farthest south was named Moon . I was now with somebody else , a young man , tall , roundly muscular , with a mostly - shaved head . We were apparently driving to the town on the border of Texas . I knew that the town was 683 miles away . We spoke about driving . As we did I saw our destination , or one of our destinations , in the distance . It was a small down at the distant end of a straight highway . The sky behind the town was purple and dim from sunset . There also seemed to be some kind of stone bluff that was taller than any building in the town . Or else this stone bluff may actually have been the hotel building where we were staying . We were now in the hotel . It must have been night . We didn 't have many lights on in the bedroom of the hotel . Only light from the bathroom shone into the bedroom . We were probably getting ready for bed or getting up and getting ready for the day . But now a man from the hotel came in . He was tall , thin , with longish , blonde - brown hair and a receding hairline . He wore a white shirt and a red vest . The man told us that he needed us to move out of this room into another room . There were some kind of important people , the man explained , who needed the room we were in . He told us that people had either moved out of or been kicked out of the other room . Everybody else in the hotel thought , because of the people who 'd been in that room , that the room was really bad . But , the hotel man said , the room was really the best room in the hotel . The man was keeping this secret for us , if we would be so kind as to move . The man I was with didn 't have a problem with moving . But I did . Apparently I had to go somewhere for work . I was actually getting ready to go there right now . I had to be to a meeting at 10 AM . And that was right in the middle of the time when I needed to be to the meeting . I was slinging on a suit jacket as I thought to myself that , after all , the man I was with could move all our stuff into the other hotel room . Or the hotel people could do it . But I didn 't trust things either way . As long as I couldn 't be here to see things getting moved , I couldn 't trust that something wouldn 't get lost . I really didn 't want to move , even if we did get a better room . I was at a movie theatre . It was gigantic . It was all dark , with almost a feeling that we were outside on a dark night - - possibly just because the place was so huge . The seats of the theatre were all set , in huge sections , at different angles . My section was set so that my left side faced the movie screen . I had probably just finished watching one movie . Now another movie was set to begin . I didn 't have a ticket to watch this movie . But I figured that if I just stayed in my seat , I could watch the second movie without getting caught . Now it was like the second movie was a movie I had been here to see all along . I was really excited for it . But as I sat waiting , two women came into my row of seats and sat down to my left . The two women were maybe in their thirties , kind of attractive , but a little worn out looking , and a little boisterous and crude . The women may have been talking about the show . Apparently the show was either a concert or a movie about a concert . The band " in concert " was some new rock band that the women were in love with . The band had a punky but smart sensibility . I didn 't like that type of music . But I think I convinced myself I liked them . Otherwise , I reasoned , I wouldn 't be here . The woman closest to me tossed a bunch of boxes into the seat between her and me . The boxes were bulky and blocked my view of the screen . But the woman didn 't seem satisfied with that . She began pushing the boxes - - and something on top of the boxes - - at me , crowding me out of my own chair . I moved away . I sat on my seat 's armrest . I think I even moved over to the next seat to my right . But by that time , I may have been to the aisle . I couldn 't go any farther . I figured this was enough . I was tired of being crowded out by the women . I was going to leave . I was now walking away . I was outside , on a long , straight road through a small town in the desert . It was daytime . There were a lot of cars out on the road . Now I was regretting not having stayed for the show . I remembered that maybe , after all , the band was good . I could now hear the beginning of the movie , as if I were still close enough to the theatre to hear the movie . The band had just come out on stage . They said they were going to do a cover version of the Beatles song " Love Me Do . " The person who had introduced the band onto the stage said something like , " Oh , that 's actually one of the hardest Beatles songs to cover . Good luck , guys . " But I remembered that the band had done the cover pretty well . I could now hear the song in my head . It sounded like " Love Me Do , " but with the soft - punky sound of the band . I thought it was okay . I was walking for just a moment through the neighborhood I 'd lived in when I was in high school . I may have been looking at my phone . My sister was asking me a lot of personal information . I didn 't want to give it to her . I felt like she would use it in bad ways . I had then come into an office building . I was in a big hallway that seemed to curve around some large auditorium . The hallway was white with grey carpeting and fluorescent light . It felt like a hallway inside a new church building to me . At some point a man told me that I 'd better get ready , because everybody was going to be moving out of this building pretty soon . Possibly a tall , slim , black woman told me the same thing . The woman was like some kind of important secretary . The man , whom I saw somewhere , was an IT person . He was tallish , fattish , and bald , with red - brown hair on the sides of his head and a red - brown mustache . I had been thinking about what the IT man had said . A lot of these guys were IT guys . They spoke to me about where the IT operations for the company were going to move . Most of it , they said , would be in a building different from the building I was going to . They mentioned some cities . I asked about a couple IT people , as if I were trying to confirm that they 'd done something for me in the past . But the others said I had the wrong people . They told me the name of the man who had actually helped me . They then told me either that that the man was no longer with the company or that he was going to be moving really far away . I had come from somewhere else and had now arrived in a hotel room , which was also set up as an office . The " office " side of the room was just a wall - length desk with two computers on it . The room was mostly dark , with just the glow of the computer screens and the incandescent light from some other room lighting the place . I was probably working here with a pretty , black woman . But right while we were in the middle of some project , " my boss " came in . He was an old man , kind of gruff looking , with blonde hair and a mustache . The man began giving us some speech which implied that he suspected me of something . He thought I was a bad person who was waiting for just the right moment to do something bad . I think he was just waiting for a reason to get rid of me . The man now began giving us some kind of justification for his feelings . He said he 'd worked for years as a SWAT team member or some kind of special operations guy . He got to know the signs of a bad person . The man then began telling us stories of how he 'd have to talk down people who 'd finally gone bad . The man said that he 'd really been aiming to shoot the people dead all along . But you had to go through a whole protocol before you could finally kill the guy . The man stood before us , re - enacting a scene . It now seemed like the man was wearing heavy SWAT team gear . He seemed to be a bit younger , but also a lot more wrinkled and worn out . His hair was a whole lot thinner , but a lot longer . And his eyes were frantic and bugged - out . He may have been holding a rifle . The man told us how he 'd balance legal phrases intended to calm down the target with a manner of speech calculated to frighten the target and make him jumpy . The man said , " I 'd keep telling the creep , ' Put down your gun ! You 're alright ! Put down your gun ! ' But , really , I was just egging him on . I wanted him to lift his gun , so I could blow his head off ! " The man seemed so frantic by this point in time that I could hardly bear looking at him . But now there was the sound of sirens . I turned around and looked toward the curtained window of the hotel room . I could see full , grey daylight coming in dimly below the bottom fringe of the curtain . I was waiting to see the flashing lights accompanying the sirens . I was in an arcade , possibly with a few kids . Other than those kids , the arcade was empty of people . The arcade was divided into a few " rooms . " The place was lit kind of brightly , for an arcade , with incandescent lights . At some point I was sitting at a video game booth , like I was playing a driving game . At another point , I was playing some other video game . I had my face close up to the screen . And , later on , I was pumping coins frantically into the game . There were three people , of whom I may have been one , though I saw all three people from a third person view . The other two were a young man and a young woman . The three stood among a crowd of people who were seated at an outdoor restaurant . It was night , and the moonlight shone on everybody at the restaurant . It felt like the restaurant was huge , extending far back under some shelter in the distance . A blonde business woman came up to the three , but focused on the two young people . She may have handed the two some kind of business form , then told the two that she was no longer going to allow them to stay here . Apparently the two people had been living in this restaurant . They had even , while the restaurant was open , been making meals for customers , like some kind of renegade chefs . The business woman walked away . The two now knew that they were " evicted " from this place . They could no longer live here and make food here . The third person ( me ? ) wished he could have stood up for the other two while the business woman had been handing them the papers . But he couldn 't have done anything , apparently . But now there was another woman , a kind of short , girlish - looking , blonde woman . She was the business woman 's assistant . The assistant was holding something that looked like a red , plastic Folger 's coffee jar filled with some kind of white sauce , like ranch dressing or secret sauce . The assistant said , " My boss owns all kinds of restaurants . She can 't oversee them all . So some of them do terribly . There are a few that are closed down . " Time had passed . I ( or the third person ? ) had gone out to look for an abandoned restaurant . I 'd found one . Now I had to pick up the young man and woman in secret , so the business woman wouldn 't know we were going . The young man and woman were sitting out at a table at an outdoor restaurant that was closed for the night and empty . The moon may have been large in the sky , shining down on the young man and woman . I ran down the aisle of tables , then grabbed the young woman 's hand and began running with her . The young man began running as well . As I 'd grabbed three woman 's hand , I 'd knocked some silverware off the table . I was in an office , showing my boss a stack of paperwork I 'd done . My boss told me something along the lines that I was doing a good job , but that I should probably slow it down . He may also have referred to some guy in my paperwork , telling me that I had made a mistake in his files . If I 'd slowed down , I wouldn 't have made the mistake . I now led my boss into another office , which was apparently my office . I showed my boss another stack of paperwork , a lot of which had to do with the guy . Somehow my boss had come to understand that I hadn 't made the mistakes he 'd thought I 'd made , and that I wasn 't working too fast . My boss said that he 'd leave me alone with my work , then . It was night . I was driving through some suburban area by myself . I was probably driving to my family 's house . I may have been living at my family 's house at the time . As I slowed down to park at the curb in front of my family 's house , I passed a few houses . All the houses had almost all their lights off . Only a few lonely glimmers shone from the houses . I remarked to myself , as I pulled my car to a stop , then backed it up a bit to get parallel with the curb , that it was strange how far away I thought the people were who I spoke with at work , but how close they really were . This was a little eerie and unsettling to me . Something about the man being in the military also unsettled me . It was a bright , sunny day . I stood out before a tall , grassy hill with a young girl . The hill was a lot like a hill in my hometown . There seemed to be a vineyard growing on the hill . But all the grape vines seemed to be growing widely spaced apart , and they stood almost as tall as trees . The grape plants also seemed to be growing cone - like masses of flowers , like wisteria flowers . The whole space was surrounded by a kind of short , run - down wooden fence . I pointed the vineyard out to the girl , pointing with my left hand . I told the girl that I felt like I should have known about this vineyard for a long time . Maybe I had known about it , but I just hadn 't cared about it . Now it was in bad shape . I wondered if I couldn 't fix it up some . I then noticed a huge tree , in its own fence , either inside the vineyard or just outside it . The trunk of the tree looked really ragged , like the tree was old or in bad shape . The tree may also have been barren of leafs . But it was growing cones of flowers , like a chesnut tree or a catalpa tree . |
Posted in Uncategorized by rouschel Emily was looking forward to sleeping in . She had a rough night and didn 't get to sleep until 4am . More arguing with the husband - it was getting old . She finally obeyed her bladder and slipped out of bed . Slipped out of the warm , soft covers and the pillows that were now perfectly molded to her head . She sighed and headed down the stairs to the bathroom , the cat circling her all the way . " Ugh , " Emily thought , " I need to feed Midnight . " She left the bathroom and headed for the kitchen . The light from the kitchen window poured into the room , blinding her . She raised her hand up to her eyes and protested . " Why does the sun have to be up ? Why can 't I just go back to bed ? " She sighed , poured some catfood into the food bowl . Some of it spilled out onto the floor . Emily didn 't care . She yawned , silently cursed the sun and headed back towards the stairs . Just as she reached the bottom step , the phone rang . On the first ring , Emily was convinced she was going to let the answering machine get it . She took another step up the staircase . On the second ring , Emily stopped and hung her head . " What if it 's important ? " she thought . On the third ring , she was running for the phone . She picked it up just before the fourth ring . The voice on the other end sounded weighed down , gravelly , and tired . " Hello my love , " it gasped out . Emily knew who it was , immediately . She internally cringed . It was her coworker , Julie . She sounded horrible and Emily knew why she was calling . She was obviously not feeling well . " What 's up , sweetie ? Are you feeling okay ? " asked Emily . Julie explained she was sick - throwing up and diarrhea . She needed to go home . " I know you work the night shift , tonight , but I can 't get ahold of Karen . I need to get to the ER , I can 't stay out of the bathroom for longer than 10 minutes . " Emily told her she would be in by noon and hoped Julie got to feeling better soon . She hung up the phone and sighed . " Well Midnight , it looks like I don 't get to go back to bed , afterall . " Midnight meowed , licking her lips from breakfast . " Keep it warm for me when I get back . " Midnight ignored her as she licked her paws and ran them over her ears . Emily sighed and called her husband at work . There was only one car and he 'd have to spend his break coming to pick her up and take her to work . Normally , by the time Jack got home , Emily was getting ready to head out to work . It was one of the reasons their relationship was so stressed , lately . They hardly ever saw one another . Emily worked most weekends and Jack had a Monday through Friday , nine to five job . Emily was jealous . Jack got paid very well , far more than anyone else would have in that job . It was because he had so much experience . He 'd been in call center work since he was about 17 and had stuck through it . He 'd hopped jobs a few years ago , but finally found a cushy job . He made $ 15 an hour for a job that others were paid $ 9 simply because he 'd been doing it for 20 years . Emily gritted her teeth . The last time she got paid anywhere near that was in a factory . She had to bust her ass 12 hours a day and feel exhausted and worn out by the end of every day . She 'd hardly had any days off and just lived to work . She resented her husband 's success . She knew it was her own fault and she was in the wrong , but she was going to have to go back to school while working . It was going to be hell for the next five years . She would spend every waking moment away from work doing even more work - house work , school work , yard work . Meanwhile , her husband would " work " at his job , come home and piddle around a little bit , play video games , and do actual recreational things that were fun : hiking , photography , etc . Emily sighed and reached for the phone . She dialed the phone number to her husband 's work , each number being punched in a little harder . He answered , " Thank you for calling Mary Sally , how may I help you today ? " He sounded happy , polite , upbeat . It was completely different from the monotone way he communicated with Emily . " It 's me , Jack . " His tone of voice changed . He wasn 't happy and polite anymore . " Emily , " he whispered in a harsh tone , " I 've told you not to call me at work . " She rolled her eyes . He wasn 't going to be happy at all about what she had to say , but he could stick it . " Look Jack , I need you to come and pick me up and take me to work . One of the girls is sick . " There was a pause . " It 's more hours , more money , Jack , " she added . She knew more money would get him . It worked . He sighed heavily and she imagined he was pumping his jaw and rolling his eyes like he always does when she asks him to do anything . Take out the trash , mow the lawn , show some personal intimacy . He said he 'd be there in half an hour but she 'd have to be out waiting for him . He 'd just stop long enough to let her into the car . He hung up without saying goodbye . " Thanks sweetie , " Emily said to the phone tone , " I love you too . " She slammed the phone down and ran to the shower . She rushed and threw some clothes on and her hair up in a ponytail . She wouldn 't have time to blowdry it . She threw some treats into Midnight 's bowl on the way out the door . She waited out in the cold for about ten minutes , cursing Jack 's name with every gust of wind . It was 12 degrees below , without the windchill , and he was late . " That fucking bastard , " she whispered through clenched teeth . She heard the roar of a motor and saw a red car bobbing up and down the hilly street . Jack . She hopped in the car as it barely stopped long enough to let both her feet get in . " Jesus , Jack . At least let me get in the car before you take off , " she said as she whipped her seat belt on and glowered at the brim of his nose . She hadn 't been able to make eye contact with him , anymore . All she saw was what she didn 't want to accept : they weren 't in love anymore . They hadn 't been for a long time . " I 'm going to be late , Em , " he yelled over the blaring radio . It was some new pop song that you would think only a teenage girl would listen to . Jack popped his gum and nodded his head to the beat . She wondered if he was fucking some young thing at work . He 'd changed a lot since getting that job . She sighed and began telling him how Julie was sick and she was the only she could get ahold of . Jack rolled his eyes and Emily mentioned the extra money she 'd be earning . He sighed and agreed . It was always about the money , anymore . Jack let her off outside her building 's parking lot , not even bothering to drop her off at the door . He stopped just long enough to let her get one foot on the pavement before squealing the tires , music blaring . She turned and cursed , flipping him the bird . " Mothefucking bastard , " she yelled as she walked towards the building . She didn 't have a bad job . She worked as a cashier at one of the local gas stations . It didn 't pay particularly well , didn 't have set hours , and didn 't have benefits - but she liked it . She was grateful for it . Jobs were hard to come by these days , unless you had a penis and were good at sticking your nose up people 's asses . She thought of Jack and cursed some more . Inside , she ran to her locker and then stopped by the front office . She picked up an hour slip to get the overtime and told Wendy , the manager , why she was early . Wendy sat at her desk that was piled high with papers and knick knacks . They were shaped like various farmyard animals , usually sent over from customers and vendors around the holidays . Music played softly in the background , 80 's hair rock . Wendy nodded her head to the beat and Emily thought of Jack and cursed under her breath . " What was that , Em ? " Wendy asked , her eyes and fingers never leaving the computer . " Nothing , Wendy , " Emily smiled , " Just didn 't expect to be into work yet . " Wendy nodded and Emily walked briskly to the front . When she rounded the corner to the cash register , she saw Julie sitting on the floor behind the register counter . She was rocking back and forth , holding her stomach . She looked up at Emily and attempted a smile . The effect had the opposite impact . Julie 's cheeks were blotched with purple and red , her eyes had bags of dark blue , and her lips were almost white . She was very ill . " Oh Julie , " Emily said as she put on her vest and lanyard . She bent down and helped Julie stand . " I 'm alright , Em , " Julie said , trying to smile again . " Ugh . . I think I need to run to the " Emily didn 't catch the rest as Julie rounded the corner and ran towards the bathroom . She grabbed a pen and started filling out her overtime sheet . A quick look around told just how ill Julie was . The are behind the cashier 's counter was cluttered with half finished tasks . The bread wasn 't completely put away , the magazines were strewn around , and the outdated candy bars were thrown in a basket - some of them on the floor around it . It reminded Emily that she forgot to tell Jack to feed Midnight when he got home . The fucker wouldn 't do it if she didn 't nag him . " Bastard , " Emily muttered under her breath . A cough behind her made her whip around and plaster on a smile . There was a customer , Mr . Jones . He was a regular . He always bought a small coffee , a donut , and a newspaper . " Hey Mr . Jones , " Emily said as she signed into the register . She rang him up , making small talk , but he still looked at her like she had just walked out of the Principal 's Office . Emily sighed as she watched him pull out of the parking lot in his beat up truck . " Where the hell do these rednecks get off in judging me for saying one bad word ? " Julie came back from the bathroom , looking paler . She apologized to Emily and grabbed her Gatorade and purse . " Get to the ER , Julie . " " No , I 'll be alright , " Julie said as she tried to smile yet again and headed for the door . Emily sighed and got to work on the mess behind her . It was a pretty uneventful afternoon . The milk and soda vendors came by . Emily checked them in , making the same old small talk as they always do . The milk vendor talked about fishing . He was waiting for the first of March so he could go out before the other fishers showed up . He wanted it to warm up a bit . He said he didn 't like fishing in the cold . Emily smiled , laughed , and said she didn 't blame him . The soda vender came in , winked at Emily , and called her sweetie . Just like he did with all of the cashiers . He talked about the latest video game he was playing and how many people were now in his guild . Emily remembered playing games like that before she had to earn more of a living . They talked about general geek stuff and he left , winking . Emily sighed and leaned against the counter . These were the times she hated . The times when there wasn 't much of anything to be done . It left her with nothing to do but think - think about how she 'd rather be at home in bed , think about how her marriage was a sham , think about ways to get the hell out of town . Emily was fantasizing about selling off everything she and Jack owned and skipping town when Wendy tapped on the counter top . " Earth to Emily , " she said with a kind tilt to her voice . Emily snapped up straight and smiled . " What 's up , Em ? " Wendy asked as she dropped a pile of paperwork on the counter top . " Oh , just thinking about ways life could get better . " Wendy smiled and made an " mmm " sound . " Life would be a whole lot sweeter on a tropical island with sunshine and scantily clad men . " Emily shook her head and laughed . " I 'd go for the tropical island if you throw in a good book and a cocktail or two . " Wendy laughed . " A book ? You 'd rather have a book than a man whose only concern is fulfilling your every need ? " Emily smiled and shrugged . " At least the worst thing a book could do is give me a papercut . " Wendy agreed . " You always ruin my fantasies , Em . " She checked some numbers on the register and picked her paperwork back up . " Keep up the good work , Em , " Wendy said as she walked towards the door . She pressed her butt against it to push it open because her hands were full of papers . " I 'll be back in half an hour . I 've got a meeting with Tom . " She smiled and headed towards her car , whistling . " Sure , " Emily thought , " a meeting . " She shook her head and thought of Jack again . She wondered if he ever had any meetings . She grabbed the paper towels and cleaner and got to work doing anything she could to stay busy and keep any thoughts from running through her head . The 70 's classic rock playing overhead was the same old , same old . Everyday they cycled through the same songs . Emily didn 't even notice it , anymore . She was wiping down the glass of the juice coolers when some guy walked in . He was wearing dirty clothes with holes in them and his face was red . He staggered through the door and then stopped , pretending to look at the nothing in front of him . Emily sighed . " Great , " she said to herself , " a drunk . " The man walked over to the alcohol aisles . He would have made a bee line if he was able but his pace was constantly being interrupted by some ghost pushing him around . He was obviously inebriated and he kept coughing and inhaling sharply . " Don 't puke , " Emily begged to herself as she walked over to the cash register . " For the love of all that 's still good in this Universe , just don 't puke . " She ran the scenario through her head and groaned audibly . The drunk walked up to the cash register , a 1 . 75 liter bottle of whiskey in his hand . " Walked " was a vague term . He sort of jerked and stumbled his way over . Emily thought of her choices . Technically , she wasn 't allowed to sell alcohol to people who were obviously intoxicated , but her managers always said just to ask if they were driving or not . She looked out in the parking lot and saw a lonely , beat up pick up truck . It was probably his . " Hello sir , " Emily smiled as she rang up the whiskey . " It 's an awful cold evening to be walking . Do you have a scarf or gloves with you ? I 'd hate for you to get frostbite . " The guy just eyed her . Emily could see the wheels working . He 'd probably been thrown in the drunk tank before , maybe even arrested for DUI . Maybe he didn 't even have a valid drivers license , anymore . Emily didn 't know , but she could guess . " Yea . . I . . Uh . . left them at . . home , " he stammered out . He paid for the whiskey but Emily came around the counter and stood in front of him . " You 're not driving , today , are you sir ? " He shook his head . " You 're not lying to me are you ? " She looked at the truck and then back at him . He eyed her , the truck , and then looked down at his shoes . Even just standing there he was wobbly . He may be completely toasted off his ass , but the wheels were still turning a bit . He put the brown paper bag with the whiskey in it on the counter . He bent down , nearly falling over , and grabbed a candy bar off one of the candy shelves in front of the register counter . " I . . uh . . just need . . this . " He put it on the counter and got his wallet back out . Emily headed back around the register and waited , one hand on the bottle of whiskey . She rang up the candy bar . " One dollar and twenty cents . " The man looked at her , back at the truck , and then back at the whiskey bottle . " Uh . . no . . I don 't want . . none of it . " He stumbled towards the door and got into his truck . Emily shook her head . She watched the man pull away and then picked up the phone . " Hey Joe , " she said to the local jail secretary . He preferred the term " Jail Keeper " . " Hey , Em , " Joe said , obviously chewing on his supper . Emily heard chewing and lips smacking . " Sorry to bother you on your break , but I just had a drunk leave in a beat up pick up truck . " Joe groaned on the other side and stopped eating his supper . Emily knew he was upset she was making him work . " Description of the truck , " he said , almost terse now from his irritation with the sudden task put unto him . Emily gave the description and a partial license plate number . " I couldn 't see all of it for the newsstand , but he is definitely toasty . " Joe chuckled on the other side . " Tall guy with a scruffy beard and glasses ? " " Yea , that sounds like him , " Emily said as she put the candy bar back and headed for the alcohol aisle , whiskey bottle in hand . Joe laughed . " He just got out last night . " Emily shook her head . " Looks like he 's going back , " she said as she placed the bottle on the shelf . Joe agreed and thanked her before he hung up . " Great , " Emily thought to herself , " poor drunk . He needs help , not to keep getting thrown into the damn drunk tank . " She put the phone back on its base and got back to work cleaning the store . Wendy showed back up an hour later than she said she would . She still had an armful of papers but she looked a little different . Her hair had obviously been well brushed and her make up freshened . She smelled like she had doused herself in perfume , too . Emily waved her down and told her about the drunk . Wendy shrugged . " Not much else you could have done , Em . You did the right thing . He could have hurt someone . " " I know , " Emily said , " It just doesn 't feel like the right thing . " " Never does , sweetie , " Wendy said as she headed for the back office . Emily headed back for the register counter to try and find some inventory or outdates to do . Something , anything . They weren 't busy at all . In fact , there was just a slow trickle of customers . It wasn 't odd for a Wednesday . Friday and Saturday were their busy days . Emily was dusting the Easter display when Dave showed up . He was the night shift manager . He waved at Emily . " Slow night , Em ? " He asked as he took his coat off . He was a nice enough guy , always making conversation with people . He wore dress pants , black sneakers , and a dress polo . He always wore the same thing except for the color of the polo shirt . Today he had on a bright green one . " Wow , Dave , " Emily said as she raised her hands to cover her eyes , " I think people can see you from space . " He chuckled . " It 's laundry day . " Emily nodded and Dave headed for the back office . Emily 's stomach growled . " Shit , " she thought . She hadn 't packed a lunch before work because of Julie 's emergency . She rolled her eyes and weighed her options . Fast food , pizza , microwaved dinner from the cooler . Nothing really sounded good . She grabbed a couple donuts and a bottle of milk . She knocked on the back office . " Hey , can one of you guys ring me up ? " Dave turned , looking overwhelmed . Wendy was handing him papers , explaining why each one had not yet been completed . He exchanged an unspoken conversation with Emily in one look . " More meetings with Tom ? " Yeah . Wendy handed Dave the last of the paperwork and headed out to the cash register . Emily plopped down her donuts and milk and reached for her wallet . " Dammit ! " Wendy looked at her , eyebrows arched . " I forgot my wallet . " Wendy shook her head . Emily grabbed the donuts and milk and headed for the coolers to put them back . Dave popped out form the office . " You hungry ? " Emily stammered out a " yea " , still embarassed about forgetting her wallet . Dave smiled . " I was going to get a pizza , you can pay for lunch next week . " Emily smiled and thank him . He knew she would never pay for lunch . Wendy yelled a goodbye as she stepped out from the cash register . She waved , her bracelets clinking . " Got a hot date ? " Dave asked . A giggle escaped from Emily 's mouth and she quickly covered it with her hand , her eyes bugging out . Wendy stood there , a hand on one hip and a wry smile on her face . " What are you getting at , Dave ? " " You 're just in an awful hurry , " Dave said , winking at Emily . " I wasn 't sure if you were late for a date or maybe . . " he paused , " a meeting ? " Emily laughed . Wendy brushed her hair back , rolling her eyes . " Whatever , " she said , smiling . She turned and left . " Tell Tom I had said hi , " Dave said as she walked out the door . Wendy ignored him and headed for her turquoise Smart Car . She peeled out of the parking lot and Dave and Emily laughed . " If she 'd save her meetings for after work , she might get some done , " he said as he went back into the office to finish Wendy 's paperwork . Emily had a few customers . The usuals . Barb came in and bought her can of cat food , a crossword puzzle book , and a package of oreos . She told Emily about how Mr . Whiskers was doing better since he had his anal glands squeezed . Emily just smiled and cooed , " Oooh , poory kitty . " Inside though , she was cringing . " Really woman ? " she though , " you think it 's a good idea to go around telling people about your cat 's gross problems ? " Inside , she was making pukey motions with her mouth . Outside , she was smiling and nodding . Customer service was all about making the customer feel good , no matter what you were really thinking . After Barb , Phil came in . He had his two brats with him . Emily never got their names because they never said hi , never stood still long enough to say hi to , and their dad was always calling both of them " dammit " . " Dammit , get back over here , you kids ! " Phil yelled as he plopped a case of beer on the counter . " Dammit , you kids stop rough housing ! " " Dammit , hold the fucking door open ! " She could hear him out in the parking lot , getting into their rust bucket of a car . " Dammit , it 's cold out , shut the door ! " Emily shook her head once she was sure they had gone . Thank God she and Jack had never had kids . They 'd talked about it , but never gotten around to it . That would require , I don 't know , two people spending the night together in the same bed . That wasn 't something she and Jack did , anymore . Usually when Emily got home , she would fall asleep on the couch watching tv . After Jack left for work in the morning , she would wake up and crawl into bed with Midnight . Work , tv , sleep . Rinse and repeat . She grabbed the mop and starting mopping up the salt - ladden footprints from in front of the door . Emily thought of all the things she had hoped to be along the way , before life happened . A social worker , an artist , a mom . Making ends meet had taken priority in her life and it wasn 't making days meet very well . She drudged through each day and night , constantly tabulating numbers - paying bills . Life sucked and there was no way getting around it . Headlights flashed across Emily 's face and she looked up to see the pizza guy . Dave popped out of the back office , wallet in hand . He winked at Emily as he tip toed across the wet floor . She was going to poke fun at him about messing up her hard work , but she just didn 't feel like it . The pizza was delicious . She leaned against the register counter , plate piled high with pizza slices in front of her . Dave was still in the back office , probably still doing Wendy 's paperwork . I guess what little of it Wendy had done before she left wasn 't done well . Every now and again , Emily would hear a sharp curse word . She shook her head . Poor Dave . Just as she was finishing up the last slice , Dave came out of the office . His hair was disheveled and he had grease stains on his pants . He looked haggard and Emily smiled at him . " You need another job , Dave . " she said as he walked behind the counter . " Don 't I know it , " he muttered . He had his clip board out , taking inventory . Now that he had finished Wendy 's work , he had his own to do . Emily tried to help out where she could . " I already did the inventory and outdates for the front . " She handed him a piece of paper . Dave smiled , " What would I do with you , Em ? Enjoying the pizza ? " Emily burped . " I 'll take that as a yes , " he said as he went to the backroom to check inventory there . Emily was just wishing for a slice of chocolate cake and some ice cream when a customer walked in . He smiled , waved and said " hi " . Emily nodded and smiled . She assumed her position behind the counter and kept an eye on him . She had learned over the years to be polite to customers , of course . But also , to be cautious . Not suspicious , necessarily , just cautious . Keep an eye on them . Trust but verify . She watched him walk up and down the aisles , grabbing a pack of gum here and a pack of shavers there . He was talking loudly to himself . Emily watched him a few more minutes and decided he wasn 't going to be trouble . She went to fill the coffee station . Just as she was putting the creamers up , Dave walked up behind her . She turned around . He was standing almost nose to nose with her , looking deep in her eyes . " Did that guy go near the drugs ? " Emily knew what he was talking about : the cough syrups and allergy pills . Anything with psuedoephedrine in it . She gulped . " Uh , no . He 's just browsing . I haven 't seen him over there . " She looked past Dave and at the cough and cold aisle . She puckered her lips and furrowed her brows . " What is it ? " Dave asked . He didn 't turn . He didn 't want the customer to know they were talking about him . " There 's a gap on the shelf . I just did inventory earlier and I haven 't sold any cough and cold , today . Something 's missing . " Dave turned and looked at the guy . He was now in the potato chip aisle , crouching on the floor . Emily watched him and headed to the cash register . She grabbed the phone and hit the " page " button . " Security alert . All employees walk the floor . " The customer immediately shot up and smiled . He looked nervously at Dave and then at Emily . " Someone trying to hold you up ? " he laughed . Dave just stared but Emily smiled and shrugged . " Can 't be too careful , " she said . The guy started whistling and talking to himself again , loudly . Dave headed back to the office , stopping at the door to look at Emily . He made the universal sign to keep an eye on the guy and Emily nodded . She knew he was going to check the cameras . The guy continued to alternate between whistling and talking loudly to himself . Emily started walking the aisles , always keeping him in her line of sight . He walked up to her and asked if he 'd need a driver 's license to buy some lithium batters . " Unfortunately , sir , we require that information . Some people steal them to make illegal drugs . " She smiled and the guy tittered out something akin to a laugh . " Gotta smell good , I think I need some smell good stuff . Where do you keep your cologne ? " Emily walked him over to cologne case . " We keep all of our perfume and cologne behind this case because people tend to steal them . " The guy nodded , his hand rubbing his scraggly beard . " Uh , well , that 's pretty . . " he whistled , " . . pretty expensive . " Emily nodded and suggested he check out the deodorant aisle for body spray . He almost jumped at the idea and kept saying out loud , " Gotta smell good , get me some smell good stuff . " It reminded Emily of that deli meat commercial where the quarterback is doing a touchdown dance and singing , " Gotta get me some cold cuts , today ! " She shook her head . " Just as long as you pay for it , " she thought to herself . She positioned herself back behind the cash register to keep an eye on the guy . Rita , a regular that used to work with Emily at the factory , came in and smiled . " Heya , Em , " she twanged out . " Haven 't seen ya in a while , gurl . " Emily nodded and smiled . " Good to see you again , Rita . How 's life ? " Rita walked over and starting filling Emily in on all the factory gossip . Jenny dumped Earl after she found out he was sleeping with that girl in the front office . Of course , everyone else already knew that but poor Jenny had to find out last . Ted got a raise as one of the shift managers and he was really bunging things up . The numbers were down and the office people weren 't too happy . " Well tell all them to come on out and get off their asses . See how they like working 12 hour days , " Rita was saying as Emily was trying to pay attention and keep an eye on the guy that was now over by the newspapers . " Well , gurl , just came to get me some go - go juice . " Rita said as she headed towards the coolers . Emily rang her up , they talked a little more about things , and then Rita left . " Gotta get back to the ole ' grindstone , " she said as she smiled and walked out the door . Emily smiled and waved . When she turned , Dave was out of the office , walking the aisles . He was pretending to straighten things up . He walked over to the cash register where Emily was still at . " I can 't see what he does at the cold and cough aisle because of the damn camera angle . " he said , " I 've told corporate we need more cameras but they won 't send any . We 're a small store . " He folded his arms and rolled his eyes . " I bet he walks out with that stuff and there 's nothing we can do about it . " Emily sighed . " I 'm sick of this . " She walked out from behind the cash register and made a beeline for the guy . He straightened up and smiled . " You want me to put that cough medicine back for you , sir ? Since you don 't have your license and all ? " She held out her hand , the other one on her hip . She wasn 't smiling . The guy laughed a little . He looked at Dave and then back at Emily . He reminded Emily of the drunk from this afternoon . His wheels were turning . He finally let out a heavy sigh , dug into his coat , and handed over the pills . " I guess I can 't buy ' em without my ID , right ? " Emily grabbed the pills , smiled , and went back to the cash register . She handed Dave the package of cold medicine on her way . He wasn 't smiling either . The guy attempted another laugh and walked up to the register . He put his items down and kept whistling . Emily rung up his items and wished him a good day as he whistled his way out the door . Dave turned to Emily , " Good job . " He set the pills down on the counter and then went into the backroom to complete inventory . Emily sighed and then put the cold medicine back . " No problem , boss , " she said , " gotta save this city one druggie and drunkard at a time . " She walked back to her cash register and started counting the money out for the end of the shift . She hated counting out her drawer . Her mind always started to wander . She was thinking about Jack and how they were not only just two people sharing bills , but that they also despised eachother , now . She didn 't know anyone . She didn 't have any real friends . She was good at making other people feel like she was being friendly . She was good at making them think she cared . That 's why she was good at her job . That 's why Jack was good at his job . That 's why it didn 't work . They didn 't really care about anyone other than themselves . That was the real issue . The only person she really knew was her Mom , and she was dead . " How sad is that ? " Emily whispered as she started counting the pennies . She sighed and took her paperwork back to Dave who was in the office . He looked up from his computer screen and stopped short . " You okay , Em ? " he asked as he took the paperwork . " You 've had a long day . It was nice of you to cover for Julie . " he turned back to his computer . Emily just stood there , leaning against the door way . " Yeah , " she muttered . " I hope she gets to feeling better . " She didn 't really . She didn 't really care if Julie got better or not . She just knew it was the right thing to say . Emily always knew the right thing to say . The right thing to do . She just never knew the right way to feel . She slowly walked back to the counter and signed out of the cash register . She dragged her feet towards her locker and grabbed her stuff . Dave shut off the lights and they both went out into the cold . Emily put her coat on as Dave locked the doors . They headed for the car . Dave always gave Emily a ride home , he was just a nice guy like that . Emily wondered if he actually felt nice about it or just did it because it was nice to do . Like Emily did . Like Jack did . " You seem awful distant , tonight . Everything okay ? " Dave asked as he kept his eyes on the road . The wind had picked up and it was blowing the snow around pretty good . Emily lied , like she always did . " Yeah , just tired . " Dave nodded , or Emilly assumed he did . She was too busy staring out the window to see . Dave 's car pulled up behind Jack 's in the drive . " Thanks again , Dave . " Emily said as she opened the door . " See you Friday , " he said as she closed the door . He pulled away and she headed for the front door . She just stood there , key in the lock , forehead against the cold door . She didn 't want to go inside . She didn 't want to stay out in the cold . There just weren 't any other options . She was stuck . She turned the lock as a tear fell down her face . Midnight was sitting there . She meowed , rubbing against Emily 's cold ankles . Emily smiled . " You just want food , " she said as she bent over to scratch her head . " Even you fake it . " She took her coat off and headed to the kitchen to feed the cat . Midnight got excited when the can of food opened . She reached up to Emily 's knees and pawed at the air . MEOW ! Emily laughed and put the food down . She went upstairs to change into her pajamas . Jack was in bed , snoring . She just stood there and watched him , waiting for something to happen . Anything . Nothing did . She didn 't feel anything . She sighed and pulled some pajamas out of her dresser . She got dressed , grabbed her blanket and pillows , and headed downstairs . She heard Jack say something in his sleep as she headed down the stairs , but she ignored him . She didn 't care anymore if he was saying some other woman 's name in his sleep . She just didn 't want to be anywhere near him . She opened the freezer and tried to decide . Chocolate or butter pecan ice cream , tonight ? She asked Midnight but the cat was too busy gobbling down her supper to bother to pretend to be interesetd in Emily , anymore . Emily sighed and reached for the chocolate . " I need to heavy stuff , tonight . " She sat on the couch with a heaping bowl of ice cream and clicked on the tv . " Another day , another dollar , " she thought as she scrolled through the channels . She wanted to cry as she at her ice cream . She wanted to be able to go upstairs , wake Jack , and scream at him . Scream at him for not loving her anymore , scream at him for being an asshole , just scream . But she couldn 't . She just didn 't feel it , anymore . She didn 't feel anything . Still , when she was supposed to laugh along with the sitcom , she laughed . She still knew what was expected . This is a work in progress . Like all my stories , it is copyright Chelsea Roush 2015 . It is not apart of a creative commons copyright . If you wish to share this , please link directly back to here and give credit , or contact me through WordPress messaging to ask to use on other media . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Ms . Young : Well , I came to Ocean Grove the first time when I was three years old . My father was a Methodist minister , in fact , he was a fifth generation Methodist minister ; and we would come here for the holidays . My earliest memory of Ocean Grove was my father lifting me up at Beersheba to have a drink of water . Ms . Young : Yes . I had a brother and two sisters : Sherman , Roberta , and Helen . We went over to a shoe store where now the Shell Beauty Salon is , and my father was getting shoes for all of us . My sisters got the proverbial Oxfords . They were Oxfords with stockings . But , I always was a little different than the family . I often thought when I was growing up , I might have been exchanged at the hospital because I was completely different in my thoughts than my sisters . I didn 't want to wear Oxfords , or stockings , I wanted to wear Little Mary Janes , the socks . So , my father always complied with my wishes . I was always Daddy 's little girl until the very end of his life . I remember my mother and father were going to the afternoon concert at the Convention Auditorium , and we were all dressed for dinner . My older sister , Roberta , said , " Oh , we want to stay and be down at the ocean while you go to the concert . " She promised my mother that , of course , that we wouldn 't get wet . As you can imagine , by the time my mother and father returned , we were soaking wet . The waves would come up higher and higher . But my parents were never one to punish us for anything like that . Ms . Young : Where my father was pastor , where ever he was . And when I was about one or two , my father acquired the Elim Cottage at 5 Main Avenue from the Association , and it was his dream to be able to have ministers and missionaries come there free for two weeks every summer . And until it was paid , he used to spend most of his retirement paying for the people who couldn 't afford to pay . It was a big lovely sprawling house . Now , there are six cottages where the Elim used to be . The name Elim came from the Old Testament . If you recall , when Moses led the people out of bondage of Egypt , they took so many over fifty years and more . And one time they were destitute on the desert . No food no water , and the people were getting really very upset with Moses . And they saw this beautiful oasis in the middle of the desert with the palm trees and a spring . And , it was called The Elim , which means Haven . It was a very beautiful thought of my father , a dream of his . And later in life , I had written a book , and I was going to donate all the proceeds to The Elim , but unfortunately my father died before that materialized . The whole family would come there . My sister was married . Both of them were married . I was married . So , the whole family would spend their summers there , and it was a very , very happy time and lovely memories for me . We continued to stay at The Elim until my father died . Ms . Young : He was seventy - eight when he died . He was the first one in the family to die . Many years ago , when I was a child , I used to love to go to my Auntie Norton 's house , where my father had a pastorate . And , some how or other , we got out of touch with her through the years . And , one day , my father came to The Elim and said , " Guess who is down on 5 Main Avenue ? " I said I didn 't know . And he said , " Your Auntie Norton . " So , I came up here right away and that started a wonderful , wonderful friendship . She reminisced about many things I had forgotten ; sitting on her knee when I would visit , and her spaniel had to be on the other knee . And , she was the only one that I would ever visit in my childhood . And , one fall I called her . Her family hadn 't helped her in praying to get close to God , and I filled in that gap for her . The last time I saw her was when she was at the Grove . But , I had promised to go up to visit her at her home in Middletown where I used to visit as a child . But somehow or other , before I went to Florida with my mother , I wasn 't able to go . But as soon as I came back , I called her . A nurse , or housekeeper with her . And she said , " I 'm sorry , your aunt won 't be able to come to the phone . She is very , very ill . " And I said , " Would you please tell her I called , and I will call again . " And I hung up . Then something inner prompted me to call back . And the nurse said , " I am so thankful you called back , because she was heart broken not to be able to talk to you . Wait a minute and I will carry her to the phone . " So , we had a lovely , lovely chat . Before I hung up , I prayed with her . And I said , " I will be out the first thing in the morning to see you . " I went out and when I knocked on the door , Albert , her oldest son , answered and he had a dark suit on . And I said , " I 'm Dorothy Young . " I hadn 't seen him since I was a child . I said , " I 'm Dorothy Young , and I came to see your mother . " And he said , " She died last night . " And I said , " I talked to her yesterday and promised to come out . " And he said , " I don 't sMs . Newman : Were you Ms . Young : Yes , I was married . And my husband did not approve of my getting the house because he was used to very large spacious homes . He said , " You know I can 't stand small houses . You know I can 't stand low ceilings . " And , it was a shame . Albert sent back $ 500 . 00 because he said we didn 't have an agent . So , since my husband didn 't want it , I had a little on the side . He told his lawyer about it . And he said , " Dorothy has never asked you for anything . That 's the least you could do . " So we bought it . There was an older man here named Doc who was working for me . He was very happy to get the work , and he and I spent a month scrapping and caulking the living room downstairs and painting it . And then when my husband saw it he said , " We 'll renovate it . " Well it 's a pity , because our house had original hand made gingerbread . It was beautiful . I have a picture of it . So anyway , we had it all redone , and as you can see , the rooms are large , very spacious for Ocean Grove . And , then when my husband passed on in 1992 , we were living in New York City , and I had to chose whether to remain there or come down here to live . And I chose Ocean Grove , and that was the best decision I had ever made in my life . I am so happy here . I belong to everything . I do charitable work . I am a member of Saint Paul 's . I was on the Board of the Mental Health at Fitkin Hospital for thirty years , until it merged with three other hospitals . And , I am an Eastern Star , and a DAR . I belong to the Women 's Club , and I go faithfully to church , Saint Paul 's . It is a wonderful , wonderful church . That is my story more or less of Ocean Grove , personally . Ms . Young : Well , my father was a minister , and it is strange how God works in our lives . All my brother and my sisters were brilliant , brilliant students . But sometimes when father would change churches I skipped two grades , very , very important grades , the second , and the sixth . Since I was the last of the family , somehow or another , they didn 't help me make up the work , so therefore , I didn 't enjoy school . I did the eight grades in the six years , and the high school in three . Even though I really wasn 't good at school and did not enjoy it , I was going to Beaver College Prep School . Ms . Young : Beaver , Pennsylvania . I went to Beaver for a semester . It was necessary for us to go to a concert for up to four credits , and I saw the great Anna Pavlova , Russian ballet dancer , and I knew then , I had to be a ballet dancer . And my father , as I said , I was very close to him , and I guess he understood the plight . And at that time in my life , my father was retired , and really couldn 't afford to send me to ballet school , and my grades weren 't good enough to have any help from the college . But when I saw Anna Pavlova , and told my father I had to be a dancer , he arranged for me to take ballet lessons . I never was a ballerina , but I took ballet and knew ballet . My father always believed that children should work in the summer to help pay for their college . I was too young to work , so I took ballet lessons at a place called Ned Wafturn in New York . It 's funny , in one of my interviews , this is many , many years ago , I mentioned him in my interview , and he wrote me , sending a wire . It said , " Thank you so much for remembering me . " So , my father would take us all to New York to check us in at the YWCA , called Laura Spellman , down I think on 12th or 13th Street . And , he got the girls jobs at General Electric , which was around the corner , and I would take my lessons . Well , I would look at Variety , and when I was sixteen , I answered a call at Earl Carroll Vanities . He was the one who took the place of Ziegfeld , and I went and was chosen with the girls , and we went up on the roof and took movies . There are pictures of us dancing and Earl Carroll signing up pictures of six of the beauties . When my father came to take us home , I told him about this , and he said , " No way , no way . " So , I went back to Beaver . Then , the next year when we went , I answered another ad in Variety . And it said , " Girl dancer wanted for Broadway show and tour of the United States . " Well , I went . That surprised me because , I was sort of a timid little girl . Ms . Young : Seventeen . And , I went to the Longacre Theatre up at 48th Street and Broadway , and when I arrived the stage was full of girls auditioning . I saw two men down in the Orchestra viewing the audition . I had no idea who they were . One was Houdini and the other was his manager , Mr . Smith . I was about the last one to audition . I did a Charleston . And they chose me right away and took me over to their lawyer over on 44th Street . I called Mrs . Houdini " Mrs . H . " Sometimes an interviewer would say to me , " When you are so close , why do you call her Mrs . H ? " I said a seventeen year old girl is not about to call a mature woman by her first name . So , she was always Mrs . H . to me . She took me over to choose material to make my outfit , my costume , and then I signed the contract . I dashed to my father and said , " I 'm going to dance on Broadway , " and he said , " No way . " I went to Houdini . They must have been flabbergasted because they were to open in one week , and they had gone through these auditions . Anyway , I told them my father and mother wouldn 't allow me to . They asked to speak to them , and they convinced my parents that they would look after me as their very own daughter , which they did . It was a wonderful , wonderful year . Mrs . H . was a second mother to me . She taught me how to sew and put on makeup . We spent our days together . I 've done five documentaries about Houdini . One thing they never put in is that I say Houdini was a very kind , compassionate man . They liked to picture him as egotistical and temperamental . And , my year with them was really , really wonderful . Another thing they never put in : he had been famous for about thirty years , but his dream , his project dream was to always star in his own production on Broadway , and this was his dream come true . Well , we opened , and my father arranged for me to live with a widow with two daughters for the week I would be in New York , before leaving to break in the show at Hartford , Connecticut . And , one of the daughters said , " Oh I 'm going to a party tonight , and wouldMs . Newman : Can you Ms . Young : Oh , I have pictures of them . They were very , very scanty . I 'll show you a picture of them later . And , Mrs . H . , who was a wonderful designer , always made all of hers . Ms . Young : Oh , beautiful bouquets and metallic . So , after I had my costume fitted , I jumped in a taxi at 103rd Street . A young girl and I went down to The Village where the party was to be . The girl introduced me around . We danced in a club . I met this man . He seemed very , very sophisticated to me . I guess he was around thirty . He said , " Oh you are so young to be in New York all by yourself . You need a big brother to take care of you . " I didn 't care for him . So , he was smart enough not to ask for my phone number , but he asked the girl I was staying with for her phone number . And he called up the next day and took us both to lunch . For the whole week , he took me to all the best places in New York City . And during the whole year I was with Houdini , he called me once a week . On the way to Hartford , I still didn 't know who Houdini was . They had a drawing room and I had the parlor . Houdini came out with a deck of cards and he did all of his card tricks for me . And then he proceeded to tell me a lot about his childhood , which was very interesting . Well , when we arrived at Hartford , it was on a Sunday night . And Rachmaninoff had a concert there , and we went directly to the theatre to unpack . I remember I stood in the wings and listened . And I was so thrilled . And when he came out , I guess he wondered why a young girl like that would just be standing there listening the whole time . It is a very happy memory having had a visit with Rachmaninoff . He was very tall and slender . I remember when he said goodbye , he patted my head . After I fulfilled my year contract , of course , Houdini wanted me to stay on . Ms . Young : At first they had a very beautiful curtain made of mementos of things they had been given in Europe , and this curtain was very beautiful . Mrs . H . was dressed as Marie Antoinette , and I her escort . Mrs . H came out on one side and I the other . We joined in the center and did a little minuet , and pulled back the curtains . Then a big stage was there , and a black back drop and Houdini came out in his magnificent entrance . Two years ago , Harvey Cartel , an actor , I didn 't know who he was , he was doing an impersonation of Houdini , and he sent his limo down for me to go up and have dinner with him , and I did Houdini 's entrance for him about twenty times , and he studied the mannerisms . Houdini was not a tall man . He was very muscular , and the way he carried himself , you didn 't think of height . He was dressed in full dress , immaculate . And the jacket was designed that he could remove the sleeves from the elbow down so that while he worked , you could see that he wasn 't concealing anything . Well , the show opened with the proverbial magic thing with the scarves and the birds and all that . Then Mrs . H . had her famous , famous trunk trick . It 's now called " Metamorphosis . " Houdini purchased it when they were young in Coney Island for $ 25 . 00 from a retiring magician , and now that has become so famous . And Mrs . H . must have been almost , I bet she was , no she must have been at least fifty or fifty - two , but from the back of the stage she looked like sixteen , the way she was made up in her little gown . She kept herself beautiful . My first number was a Radio Girl . Collins and Vickory , his two assistances , would bring out a large table . Houdini would go in back and show nothing underneath the table , no mirrors or anything like that . Then Collins and Vickory would bring out a big radio . And Houdini would open the doors , would prop them back and show there was nothing inside . He 'd lift out a panel like tubes and things . Then he would close it up and tune in like , for instance , Pittsburgh would be KDKA , and it 's say , " KDKA , Ms . DMs . Newman : You were Ms . Young : Yes . Then Houdini would take me by the waist and lift me down , and I would go into a Charleston . And , my other number was called the " Slave Girl . " The big stage was empty and there was just a pole in the middle of the big stage . And Collins would bring me out with my hands tied behind me . And I had a little skimpy burlap costume . And , Houdini would say , she has been a naughty girl , so I have to tie her up . So they tied me up to the pole from my throat down to my ankles . And then Houdini said , she has been naughty , so we will have to put her in darkness . He would press a button , and the curtain would fall to the floor . And I would come out in a beautiful butterfly costume on my toes and do a ballet number . And then another number I did : there was a big cabinet , and Houdini would walk through it and turn it around to show it was absolutely empty . Then , he would say presto , and Mrs . H . in a very beautiful elaborate costume , and myself , and Julia , his secretary , in an elaborate costume , and Kosher , in an elaborate costume , would all came out . And once in a while when Mr . Smith 's wife would be there , we would add her to it . And , then the very , very exciting thing was Water Torture Cell . I think it was sad the way they made the movie about him dying in the water . The whole movie was terrible . Houdini would turn over in his grave . It was terrible . Well , Mrs . H . always stood in the wings . They had this large cabinet and Houdini would come out in swim trunks . They 'd lift him up by his feet and lower him head first with his hands tied behind him and lower him in the tank . And then , to make it more dramatic , the orchestra would play , " Asleep In the Deep , " which made it very dramatic . I stood with Mrs . H . often , and she said only once in their life , did he have to give the signal to be taken out . And , when I appeared at any magicians ' conventions they always want to know what the secret was , of course . I would tell them I was sworn to secrecy . Ms . Young : Yes . The last half of his act was devoted completely to exposing spiritualism . He felt spiritualism was wicked ; it preyed on poor people who 'd spend their last dollar to hear the voice of their loved ones . And , he had a person we called the Reva woman who would visit the entire spiritualist , the mediums , and card people in the city before we would play . And then she would come to report to Houdini . We never could eat dinner before the show because we had to be as thin as possible . So , we always , Mrs . H . , Kosher , and Julia , and Mr . Smith , Houdini , and I always had dinner after the show . And , in all those years , I never remember once Houdini showing any anger or anything . Mrs . H . was a real cut up . She was a lot of fun , and she , when we were playing Buffalo , she suggested that we go to rent a limo and go over to Canada . We went through the Mist and everything . Ms . Young : Yes . She was a lot of fun . And just before we left the border , she said , " Let 's get a bottle of liquor and see if we could smuggle it in . " Well , that night at dinner , somehow we joked about it . Ms . Young : Oh , yes , when we were in Pittsburgh , my father was in the audience , and Houdini asked him to stand up . And when I was in Chicago , my Grandmother Caldwell was there , and we were sold out . I don 't know . Somehow or another , he got her a seat in the first row center . And when I took her back stage to meet Houdini , Houdini kissed her forehead and said , " Now I know where Dorothy gets her charm . " ( Laughs ) Ms . Young : No . We were a close unit . Collins was his main assistant , and Victory was his helper . Mrs . H . , Houdini , Julia , Kosher , Mr . Smith , and I . That was our entourage . Ms . Young : Then we 'd spend our summer and naturally my son was conceived there . Mr . Perkins was with the FBI , and it was a very , very hectic year for me because he was transferred from one place to another . Since I was pregnant , he asked my sister Helen if she would take a sabbatical year and be with me . And we would no sooner be at one place than he would be transferred to another . And I remember the very last time . It was the beginning of the ninth month . He was in Florida and thought he was going to be there for awhile . I had had a very hectic time the whole time of pregnancy . I remember my doctor said , " If you go , you must stay . " Two weeks and he was transferred back , and so Helen and I came back and we were in New York and we were going to the theatre and we were hailing a taxi . And we took a taxi , and we were in an accident . Helen called the doctor right a way . And the doctor said , " Take her on down to the Infirmary . " So , I had a very , very , bad time . I almost died . And he almost died . It was very traumatic . Ms . Young : Yes . I had a woman doctor . My father got her . I think if he hadn 't gotten a woman doctor , I would have had it without a doctor . So , anyway , at that time , it was time to come down to The Elim . Ms . Newman : So the Ms . Young : Yes , he kept on traveling . The marriage never really had a chance . He died of cirrhosis of the liver . And in the meantime , I didn 't want to go on the road with the show when it left in January , because of Bob , my baby , and so , they were having a big farewell dinner on the stage , catered you know . At the time when dance teams were very popular , only they were very Spanish . They were always Spanish . Mr . Bennett said , " It 's funny . Dots has known me all her life , and she still calls me Mr . Bennett . And people know me ten minutes and they call me Dick . " But , I always did , since very young . I had invited a friend , Mildred Miller , and she brought her date , and also an extra man . His name was Gilbert Kiamie . And , Mr . Bennett said , " You two would make an unusual dance team , you 're opposites . And no one is like that . " So , we tried and , it was good . He was a playboy . In the meantime , there was a manhole , and I stepped in the manhole and tore a ligament in my leg , and got water on my knee , and the other . And as I said , I still wasn 't strong . The doctor said , " You know , if you could afford to go to a warm climate , it would do you good . " So , Bob was all for it , and so my mother , baby , and I went down to Florida . And I spent the winter there . And , when I came back , I was having a hat made at 57th Street and 6th Avenue . When I came out , I ran into Gilbert . I hadn 't gotten in touch with him the whole time . He was the son of a what is called the Silk King . His father was very , very wealthy . His father had just died , in Europe . They were all inexperienced because in Lebanese , one man always ruled over a business . So , none of them really knew much about it , so the bank came and asked for the payment . They didn 't have it , so they asked for the mortgage , took it and confiscated the busness . It was thirty years before it was settled . The only thing out of it came the Kiamie Lien Law of New York State , which means , you cannot evict the person without the proper procedure . He had been brought up a wealthy family , and he was spMs . Newman : What was Ms . Young : Oh , yes , a beautiful style , not like you see on television now . It was very beautiful . It had a ballet foundation . Very beautiful , artistic , nice . It was sort of like the Fred Astaire type . My gowns were gorgeous . The War was on and Gilbert knew he would be drafted , so he decided to enlist . And , so he was stationed here . First he went to boot camp and everything . And I had never worked except in the theater . I got a job at Fort Monmouth . I didn 't know how to make a resume or anything , and anyway , I got the lowest salary . I got a job in crystals . I had to learn to cut the crystal on the XYZ axis , like a diamond . Gilbert was down at Camp Edison , but I happened to know a Colonel at Fort Monmouth , so he got Gilbert transferred to Fort Monmouth . And , Gilbert had a citation selling the most War Bonds of any person in the United States . I remember I didn 't like cutting the crystals . I wore a lab coat and everything . So somehow I got the Army bus and went up to Red Bank . They had the headquarters there . God was with me again . I went to the Army Navy Headquarters . It was the creme d ' la creme of Army , the Services . And luckily , the personnel man liked me very much and he arranged for me to have equivalent of a college degree through my extensive traveling , and I was able to take two courses . I took them when Rutgers would send their professors down twice a week . I took a course in electrical engineering , of all things , and I liked it so much . I took a course in Personnel Management . I liked that very much . But then I was assigned to shock absorbers . And , I have a friend , very active in the Houdini thing . He said , " Dorothy , all the things that you 've done ! " I wrote specifications for the shock absorbers of the Army , Navy , and Air Force . When I would go to the big meetings , of course , I would have a General on one side , and something on the other . And , I only knew my project . I had my book , you know , and I had my project . Of course , they knew everything . But , I remember Gilbert never wanted anything more than a CMs . Newman : What year Ms . Young : Yes , silk lingerie , and real estate . And this brother was very jealous of Gilbert . He was a very good - looking fellow , the brother , but he was short and stocky , and Gilbert was tall and handsome . He had another brother , Sam , but Fred never would like them do anything . He wanted to make all the decisions like the father had done . But Gilbert would spend his time at the stockbroker and learn as much as he could and all that . And Fred was doing very wonderfully , amazing in real estate . They had closed the lingerie business and the lawyer came . It was such a big thing , that lawyer . They had a lawyer all the time on the premise . I remember he only had $ 2 , 000 . 00 or $ 3 , 000 . 00 when he came to the firm . But some how or other , Fred finagled into one of the best buildings as a Logan Park owner . Well , he was reported . Ms . Young : In the meantime , they had eleven buildings , big , big buildings . Very , very successful . And so someone reported Fred to the FBI and the IRS , internal revenue , and anyway , he ended up in the Country Club of Jails up in Westchester . But in the meantime , this lawyer thought those two nincompoops , the playboy and the other one , wouldn 't be able to do anything , and he would take it from under their feet . But instead , Gilbert had grown into an astute businessman , and Gilbert proudly showed the check . He bought Marvin out for one million dollars , when a million was a lot of money . And Gilbert became Chairman , President , and Executive at Large . And , worked very hard . I was very , very proud of him . We lived up in Pelham Manor . Ms . Young : And my son , Bob , was always so very , very close . I went through so much to have him , I guess had almost an abnormal love for him . He went to school in Allenhurst , and graduated from high school when he was sixteen . They promised the mothers that if the mothers would sign for the boys when they were seventeen , they wouldn 't send them overseas . He was in college at sixteen , and his birthday was in December 26 . And , all the boys were in the services . So you 'd think the world would come to an end if he didn 't get in . So , I told him , if he would finish one semester at Rutgers , be a full - fledged fraternity man with good grades , that I would sign for him . Well , they promised the parents they wouldn 't go over seas until they were eighteen . And you know , he was in boot camp for six weeks instead of eight and he was shipped over to the Philippines in the middle of the big push . You can imagine how hard that was on me . So , I never thought of marrying Gilbert because number one he was a playboy , number two , he didn 't care for children . And I didn 't want him to have any jurisdiction over Bob . So , during the War , I lived with Helen on Rumson Road , and she was principal of the school , Sea Bright School . And she was well loved and one - in - a - million principal . She helped . In the summer time , Seabright is an affluent community , but in the winter , it is full of divorced people and drunkards , and what not . They loved Helen very , very much . Bob and I lived with them until he went into the Navy . And it was hard worrying about him . It was terrible him being over there in the Philippines . They talked about Hiroshima . Well , if it hadn 't been for that , I wouldn 't have a son . Another young boy and Bob had signed up to go into Japan , and they would never have come back . Ms . Young : Yes , in the Navy . So I received a letter from Bob , and I still have it , when he wrote , " Mother , you 're always thinking of other people . And if you think you want to marry Gilbert , I want you to marry him . " So , I married Gilbert while he was in the Army . And we lived in Pelham , and he would commute . Anyway we were married for forty - nine years . Ms . Young : Just after my dancing , no . Oh , well , God works in my life every time . When we moved to Pelham , Gilbert was engrossed in his business . A friend said to me , " I am going up to take an art lesson from a wonderful French woman . Why don 't you come with me ? " So , I went and I started taking lessons , and I took lessons straight for fifteen years . Ms . Young : Yes . All of this work here is my art . She had a very professional studio with lights and everything . And people who knew me , all of her students , would come back and ask me questions if she was busy . The teacher asked me if I would join her and own half of the studio . And I said , " No , I 'm married , and I just want to paint when I can . " Well , I painted , as I said , four days a week for forty years , no thirty . I became one of the Fifty American Artists , which was a prestigious group . Winston Churchill and Eisenhower were honorary members . And you had to paint at a certain price and get a certain price for certain quality in order to show . And this person , Margaret McDonald Phillips , who was president said , " Dorothy , you 're ready to be launched in a big way . I will do it at cost because it will be good for the Fifty American Artists . " So I told Gilbert , and he said he wouldn 't do it . It was such a measly two thousand dollars , and he wouldn 't do it . And still he was so proud . And he was proud of the DAR , and proud of my painting . People say he was proud of me , but he didn 't want me to be too big . Ms . Young : So , then I was , just sort of . The irony of it , I met Nathan Strause , who was Housing Administrator under Roosevelt , who was on one of our trips once , and he loved my dancing . And then I was going to New York to meet Gilbert for dinner . We went to all the best places all the time , you know , and I won 't go into the other side . And , then I was going downtown to have dinner with Gilbert , and Nathan Strause was on the train . I saw him , but I went two aisles further . He saw me and he came up and sat . And he said , " What have you been doing ? " And I said , " Art and so on . " And he said , " When you are ready to be launched , let me know . " But you know what that meant . So I never did anything about it . After I decided to be here , it was the best decision I ever made . Ms . Young : Oh , yes . He lives with me six months of the year and he lives in Florida the other six months . All of my four grandchildren and my eight great grandchildren love Ocean Grove . This is home to them . |
This Christmas was good . It was hard not being home with our families this year , but we had fun with just our little family . My parents were here December 9th through the 15th . We had a good visit with them and did Christmas with them . We let the kids open one present while they were here and we gave them theirs . They also helped us put up our tree and decorate . The kids had a good time hanging the ornaments on the tree . We weren 't sure how they would do with the tree , but they didn 't touch it too much . They also didn 't mess with the presents that were under it for about 2 weeks . I was really impressed . They got great new toys and clothes . Now it is time to go through the toys and get rid of some or put them away ! ! We made up goodie plates for the neighbors and people at church . The kids helped make the dipped pretzels and some cookies . We all went as a family then to deliver them to the neighbors . The first house we went to was an older couple and they invited us in to visit . They had a little ceramic tree that had a train that ran on a battery and moved around it . Michael thought that was so neat . We went to the next house and he thought we should go in again . I guess he thought they should all invite us in ! He also thought they would all have trains ! LOLWe then had some people over for lunch Christmas day . We had a good lunch and a good visit together with them . Michael has started potty training this week . We started on Tuesday and he has only had 3 accidents ( 2 on Christmas day ) . All the accidents have been at home and while he was really involved in something and not paying attention . Otherwise he has done very well . We have even gone out a few times and to church today and he has made it to the bathroom . He was very ready to be trained , but I wanted to wait till Lydia was born then till Paul was home on break to work with him . I just hope Grace & Lydia are this easy to train . I 've always heard girls are easier so we 'll see . Grace seems interested now since she watches Michael , but I 'm not quite ready to trPosted by Ok , so lots going on the last few days . Grandpa and Grandma Vawter left us last Monday . The first week of having the 3 kids by myself went pretty well . Michael and Grace both ended up sick though . Grace has been worse than Michael with a fever and just not acting herself . She is still fighting it today . Lydia has been spitting up and yesterday actually vomitted . I was a little concerned at that point so I called my midwife . She said it could be that she 's going through a growth spurt and is eating too much , but not to worry unless she starts projectile vomiting or acts dehydrated . I was also thinking it could be acid reflex . She hasn 't vomitted again since then , but has been a little more fussy today . I had a shock this morning . I took Lydia up to change her diaper on our bed . I then left her lay there while I went to put clothes on Grace . Michael came in their room with us then left . I thought he went downstairs . Lydia had started fussing . I realized her crying was getting closer and looked up to see Michael walking from our room to their room carrying Lydia ! He was carrying her up on his shoulder and actually had a good hold on her , but it made my heart drop ! I explained to him that he wasn 't big enough to pick her up or carry her , but that he wasn 't in trouble . Hopefully he won 't try it again . Over the weekend I found out that an old friend of mine from IL , Joe Oreskovich , was killed in a car accident . He was married and had 2 girls . I found out yesterday he was hit by a train . They think the sun was in his eyes and he didn 't see it , but obviously we will never really know what happened . As far as I know he is now in Heaven with our Lord . Then this morning I had such exciting news . My sister and brother - in - law are taking in a 16 year old boy that plays on Danny 's basketball team . It 's so sad that his mom doesn 't want him , but we are excited to welcome him into our family . I wish we were going to be at home for Christmas so we can meet him . I am so excited for Danny and Carleta , but know they are in for some chaPosted by So today is the second day that I have been on my own with all 3 kids . It has gone surprisingly well . The older two were very well behaved yesterday and today . Lydia slept good and we brought the pack ' n ' play downstairs so I could put her in it during the day . We are missing Grandma and Grandpa Vawter , but I think it is good that we are getting used to being on our own again too . I haven 't really tried to do too much yet and I don 't have to worry about meals this week . We have someone bringing a meal every night except Wednesday and then we will just do left overs . This morning the school was on a 2 hour delay because we got some snow last night and this morning . So Paul didn 't leave home till shortly after 10 . It was nice being able to eat breakfast together and sit and talk . He was also able to get his geometry tests graded before he left . Grace slept till just before 10 so it was a pretty quiet morning . I am going to my Bible study today . This will be the first time in about 3 weeks . I 'm sure they will all be excited to meet Lydia . I am ready to get out again and be around moms . Jan is picking me up so I don 't have to drive . She doesn 't want me to over - do it . : - ) We all went to the mall last night . I needed to get my ring inspected . Unfortunately , we got all the way there before I realized I didn 't have the paper with me to do it . The lady said I needed the paper , but I could have it inspected late ( I was supposed to have it done in November ) . So we walked through the mall then went to Sam 's to get gas and ice cream . It was a good night and nice for the kids to get out too . Ok , so I have not done well with keeping up with this blog . I am going to try to write a little right now , but will probably have to update more later . A lot has happened in the last few weeks . Carole arrived on November 10th and I was surprised I didn 't go into labor that night ( since that 's what happened with Grace ) . I was having problems with my tailbone hurting and it was great to have her be here and help out . On Wednesday we realized it was not my tailbone hurting , but it seemed I may have a boil . So on Thursday when we went to visit the midwife we had her look at it and she sent us to the Urgent Care for them to take care of it . Unfortunately , the doctor there didn 't know what she was doing and said it wasn 't a boil and didn 't do anything for me . By Friday I was in so much pain I couldn 't sit and was having a hard time finding a comfortable position to lay in . We went back to the midwife 's office to have her look at it again . This time she found us a dermatologist to see . So we went to her office . They said it definitely was a boil and she lanced it right then . Not much drained out , but it did help a little . I was then put on antibiotics . The midwife said she was hoping I could be on those for about 24 - 48 hours before I went into labor to help not pass the infection on to the baby . Saturday was a little better and by Sunday it was much better . I stayed home from church on Sunday and while the rest of them were gone I kept thinking my contractions seemed to be pretty regular . When Paul , Carole and the kids got home I didn 't say anything because I didn 't want to get their hopes up , but Paul knew because I was feeling better and had done some things around the house that I would probably go into labor that day . So I ended up telling them that I thought I was in very early labor . Nothing happened before time for church that night so they all went to church and I stayed home again . I was fine , but by the time they got home my contractions were getting stronger and closer together . We called the midwife to let herPosted by Ok , so since it 's been 2 weeks since I last posted I thought I should write something . : - ) As I 'm sitting here in comfy pants , paul 's t - shirt and sweatshirt , fuzzy socks and drinking hot chocolate I am STILL freezing ! Yes , I know it 's probably still warmer here than other places ( especially CO whose getting a lot of snow right now ) , but 50 degree weather here is freezing to me . Especially when we were still having 80 degree weather last week ! I haven 't even put clothes on the kids today . . . . they have on footed pj 's and I figured those would be warmer than their clothes , especially since neither one will leave socks or slippers on ! So it would be a great day for a good book , a blanket and my hot chocolate . Unfortunately , I don 't have a book ( well , I could probably find one ) , but I need to lay down and rest anyway . So as I finish my hot chocolate I will write and then hopefully get a chance to lay down too . The kids are changing so much ! We are noticing Grace saying and doing things that she is picking up from Michael . It is so neat to watch her try to do the things he does . This morning they were running around playing with the bouncy balls ( the cheap ones from Wal - Mart , not the little bitty ones from the machines ) and Michael put his down and was sitting on it and bouncing . Grace had to come right over by him and do it too . Then he started singing " Winne the Pooh " and Grace was singing it too ! It was so cute ! She was also using the drawing pad today and made a line and a dot and said " I " . I don 't know that she really knew that she did draw something that resembled an " I " since she drew some squiggly lines after that and said " I " too , but it was cute because she is learning that from Michael also . She really loves her big brother and is trying to keep up with him . Michael is doing so well with recognizing his letters now . He still can 't sing the Alphabet song exactly right , but he tries . He writes part of his name now too . He is starting to learn his numbers more now , but still gets them confused with letters sometimePosted by I forgot about this in my other post , but it really needs to go in one on it 's own anyway . I have started going to a Bible study at another church . It is a Bible study about mothering . It meets every Tuesday afternoon and the first two were ok , but I knew I was going to have different view points at times than some of the women . Well , Monday night I sat down to go through the chapter for this week ( yes , I know a little late , but it had been a busy week and I kept putting it off ) . Anyway , the chapter was all about our womb . There were some parts in it that I had a real problem with about how the lady talked about it . I talked it over with Paul and he helped show me that she was taking the verses out of context and we looked up other verses to dispute what she was saying . I was nervous about going to the study on Tuesday because I was afraid the other women were all going to agree with this lady . I was also ready to tell the leader that I wouldn 't be back . Well , I got there and it was just the leader and one other lady . The others were all sick or out of town . We started the study and the first thing the leader says is that we have to remember that we are not going to agree with everything this lady ( the author ) says in her book and that we need to turn to the Scriptures for the truth . I was so relieved just to hear that part . Then she used the part that I had been struggling with most in the chapter as an example . I knew then that I wasn 't the only one that had a problem with the things in this chapter . It was so great that God did this . I didn 't want to quit going because I love getting out and being around other Christian ladies and God showed me that the ladies didn 't agree with it all either . So I have also realized that Paul is right in saying that this study will be good for me if nothing else it makes me have to go through and really look at the verses she uses and figure out what they really mean . So a lot has been going on lately . Most recently Paul was gone for the weekend . He went to Florida with another guy to attend a conference for school . Since I knew he was going to be gone I was giving Carleta and mom a hard time trying to get one of them to come out for the weekend to be with me . Well , the Tuesday night before Paul was leaving on Friday I realized I would be getting $ 100 commission from my aunt doing a Pampered Chef catalog show . So Paul says , " Why don 't you see if your sister can come out if we pay $ 100 of the ticket " . So I got online and sent her a message to her phone . She was shocked and of course wanted to know if I was serious . I checked with Paul and he said yes so I started talking to her online and searching for flights . Every flight we found was at least $ 350 or above . I was about to give up when I found a flight for $ 212 ( base price ) . I kept looking at it and even had Paul come check it to make sure I was looking at it right . It was a ticket for round trip and it was only $ 212 ! ! So Carleta and I were looking at the times and all . She talked to Danny and he said she could come ! Then she realizes she needs to check her work schedule and sees that she is supposed to give tests on Friday to 5 students and can 't see that anyone else can fill in . So , of course , my hopes dropped . Then she finally was able to get a hold of her boss and he said for her just to take off and they would cover it ! So I was excited again ! THEN , she realizes Danny has drill that weekend and Sunday is family day and she was supposed to go . So , again my hopes drop again . She talked to Danny though and he said she could still come ! ! SO I was excited again ! ! So I told her to book it fast before she thought of anything else ! Friday at 11 : 30 am she arrived in El Paso ! ! ! It was such a good weekend . The kids enjoyed having her here too and of course showing off for her . We went to see the snakes and lizards Friday night and watched them eat their supper . It was so cool . Saturday we were out running some errands and stopped bPosted by Well , now Grace has gone from biting to pulling hair . She has pulled Michael 's hair a couple times . He has done it back once , but it didn 't stop her yet . Last night they were wrestling before bed . I think she 's really going to be tough . Michael couldn 't decide if he should cry or laugh because she was on top of him . I 've never seen him as a wimp , but I think he has been told so many times to be gentle with Grace that he doesn 't know what to do when she " beats up " on him . We have been having a hard time making it through bed time prayers lately . Since we put them in the same room we have been reading a story before bed . This in itself has been a challenge because Grace won 't still that long . But , we figure eventually she 'll get the hang of it . Then after we read we say bedtime prayers . Usually Paul says them and Michael repeats him . The last few nights though as soon as Paul starts , Grace starts laughing . So , of course , that starts a chain reaction and Michael starts laughing too . Paul tried to tell him last night it is not time to play and that he needs to be quiet and that Grace has to learn to be quiet too and she will learn from him . It at least helped get through that prayer . We 'll see how tonight goes . Thursday Barb , my pastor 's wife , stopped by to drop off some Patch the Pirate cd 's . She asked me if I had anyone to watch the kids on Friday while I went to my midwife 's appointment . I said no , I hadn 't called another lady yet . She told me to drop them off at her house and then leave them for the afternoon . It was so great that someone not only offered to watch the kids sometime , but said to drop them off for the afternoon and actually set it up . So I dropped them off around 10 and went to my appointment . Everything went well . The baby is growing big . They are estimating about 4 1 / 2 - 5 lbs right now , which is a little big . So , my thoughts are it 's a boy . Anyway , then I went to see Paul while he was on lunch . I left there and grabbed something to eat , went to a second hand store to check on a pack ' n ' play , thPosted by So , Paul got the laptop working so I was drinking my coffee and trying to have some down time this morning while the kids were playing . They were playing fine until they saw that I was sitting down and had the computer on . So , Grace thinks she has to be on my lap if I 'm sitting and not just sitting , she has to climb all over . I finally got them coloring so that helped . Then Michael wanted to watch some t . v . I figured since he hadn 't watched any this morning it would be fine and Clifford was on . So he was watching it and I finally got Grace to go down with him . I guess not a good idea . She decided to keep turning the t . v . off . So this results in Michael yelling at her to turn it back on and her yelling at him " no " ( her favorite word lately ) . So , I told Michael just to turn it back on . At one point I guess he was trying to turn it on and she was trying to keep him from it . They were both screaming and as I walked to where I could see them Michael starts crying . I see they are entwined together and going to the floor . Michael is holding his back and crying hard . I ask him what happened and he told me Grace bit him . I look on his back and sure enough there 's a mark . This is the second time in 2 weeks that he has been bitten ( and by a girl ) . He never went through a biting phase and I hope he doesn 't start now , but I also don 't know what to do with Grace since I haven 't dealt with this before . Hopefully , this will just be a one time thing . I think she was just defending herself , but she better find a better way to do that or she 's going to be in lots of trouble . I just got done having a free pedicure by my husband ! I never would have thought he would paint my toe nails ! ! Sure he massages my feet for me every once in a while , but painting my nails . . . I just never imagined . I had asked him this morning if he would take the polish off while the kids were down for naps . I am having a hard time reaching my feet at the moment so I figured he would maybe do that for me . He said he would . I said I wouldn 't ask him to paint them though . He said as long as he could watch football while he was doing it he would paint them too . He did an awesome job ! I chose a light color just in case , but I probably could have gone with a darker color and would have been fine . Thank you , Paul ! We have neighbors though that decided to practice their music ( garage band ) right as we put the kids down for a nap . Grace finally went to sleep , but Michael never did . He did stay in his bed and was quiet so I thought he was asleep , but when I checked on him he was still awake . I don 't know how he knew , but 2 1 / 2 hours after he was put down for a nap he got up . It 's like he knew he had laid in there long enough . I don 't mind that he didn 't take a nap because he seems to be in an ok mood ( right now ) , but it 's just annoying that they have to practice during nap time . Like Paul said though . . . if he was tired enough he would have gone to sleep anyway . Well , off to take a shower and then go to the high school football game . I am really craving nachos and cheese so I may have to get some . Supper will be later , so I 'll need a snack ! : - ) Wow , it 's been over a week since I last posted something . I 'm surprised a couple certain people haven 't hollered about that . : - ) I started going to a Bible study this week that will meet every Tuesday . It is a study on motherhood and there are older and younger women in the study . I think it will be good , but I will have to take some things with a grain of salt . It will just be nice to be with other ladies and no kids . A couple other ladies are pregnant also so we were able to talk about that too . I spent this morning with Barb , my pastor 's wife , and her daughter Annie . We met about 10 : 30 at the mall at Barnes & Nobles . We got coffee at Starbucks and then let the kids play at the train table . They had a good time playing and Grace had a good time unloading the books off the shelves around us . Barb and I were so into talking that at one point I realized Grace was acting hungry so I looked to see what time it was and it was 11 : 53 ! I couldn 't believe it was almost noon . So we let the kids play a little longer ( actually I think we just kept talking ) . So it was about 12 : 30 and we decided we needed to go get something to eat . Barb had some coupons in her car for Burger King so we went there . It was a good time and the kids all behaved very well so we were able to talk a lot . It is so great having her around . We have a lot of health issues going on in the church right now . It is very hard because the people are very open to letting us know what is really happening . Then all the sudden we realize they are not doing well at all . Barb and I are both wanting to help where we can , as in making meals , etc . , so we are trying to figure out what each one really needs . The kids are now in the same room . They are doing very well at night , but nap times weren 't working out so I set up the pack ' n ' play in the other room and have been putting Grace in there . It is working a lot better . We will just have to see what we have to do when the baby comes . I have been doing well with spending time in God 's Word each day . I started Genesis Posted by Just real quick . . . I was checking my e - mail last night before going to bed and as I turned away from the computer and went to get ready for bed I saw a book laying on the floor . It has been one of Michael 's favorite books and is now one of Grace 's favorites . So , I am reading it all the time . As I turned and saw it laying on the floor I started reciting the book from memory . It struck me all of a sudden that I knew this book by heart , but I can 't even remember Psalm 23 anymore . I haven 't had to recite Psalm 23 in a long time and I have forgotten the order of it . Sure I could probably patch it together here and there and come close , but this book of the kids ' I know every word . It really hit me that I don 't know the Bible as well as I should . I had been thinking lately about reading the Bible straight through in a year . I have never done it before , but have read and been told it is something good to do . I figure what better way to get to know God than to read his Word daily . I looked up programs to help me know what to read every day . I found them , but of course they all start on January 1st . Well , I don 't really want to wait till then . So , I e - mailed my pastor ( thinking he would get back to me pretty quick ) and asked if he thought I should start with the date I was at or start on Jan 1st reading and adjust it . He said he thought I should start on Jan 1st . So , I printed off the reading guide and converted it to a spreadsheet with the date starting today . That way I could easily tell what I was supposed to read each day . Then tonight I told Paul what I had done and that I was planning to do this reading . He said he had been thinking about doing it too so thought we could both read it separately and keep each other accountable . It will also give us something to talk about . He said he probably would have started with the date for today though and just read to the end of the year and then started over in Jan . Oh well , I guess we will just start in Genesis now and then again in Jan . I can 't wait to see how God uses this Posted by Ok , so just in the last few days Michael has been saying some funny things that I had to put them here . Lately , when he 's in the bath tub he wants to wash himself so we have been letting him . . . making sure he does it all and finishing what he doesn 't get . The funny thing is when he does his toes he tries to do " This Little Piggy Went to Market " . . . . only it comes out " this little market stayed home . . . this little market went wee wee wee all the way home " . It is so funny . Then he 's been listening to Patch the Pirate a lot lately ( we only have 2 cd 's so it 's the same ones over and over and over again ) , but now he 's been walking around saying " whoo eee " ( not sure how to spell that out ! ) . It is funny because he uses it in context a lot . He will even say " whoo eee , it 's hot in here " . Then he was talking on the play phone tonight and said he was talking to grandma . We don 't know which grandma because when we asked he then said he was talking to Grandpa Welch . Then he said he was talking to grandma again a little later and he was telling her he didn 't feel good . No idea where that came from since he 's fine . Last , as Paul was putting him to bed he said to Paul " daddy , you are sweating . . . you need to put a shirt on " . Paul had an undershirt on , but no t - shirt . It was just too cute ! He definitely keeps us laughing . Oh wait , one more . . . . also because of Patch the Pirate . . . . we were sitting at the table the other night and all the sudden he says " Help , AAAHHHAAA ( like tarzan ) Banana Man ( from one of the cd 's ) . It was just too funny ! James 1 : 2 - 4 , My brethren , count it all joy when you fall into various trials , knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience . But let patience have its perfect work , that you may be perfect and complete , lacking nothing . James 1 : 13 - 14Let no one say when he is tempted , " I am tempted by God " ; for God cannot be tempted by evil , nor does He Himself tempt anyone . But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed . James 1 : 17Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above , and comes down from the Father of lights , with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning . After the struggles I have gone through lately these are the verses that I read last night and they really hit me . As you can tell from previous posts I have had my struggles with Michael lately , which is also part of the reason I have not posted lately . . . . I didn 't want this to turn into a complaining blog . To Paul and I it seemed that Michael was really starting to push the limits and really get into the terrible two 's ( even though he 's almost 3 ) . It was amazing though . . . . the other night I brought up something about disciplining Michael and said I felt like we really needed to sit down and talk out how and when we want to discipline him so we are on the same page . As we were talking about it we realized we have both been struggling with the same feelings lately . We had felt we were doing a good job at raising and disciplining Michael , but all the sudden because of what one couple said we started doubting ourselves . Now we don 't feel this couple said things to make us feel this way , but they are a Christian couple that we admire and we just started listening to what they were saying and weren 't really talking things through ourselves . In talking the other night though we realized what works for them may not work for us . As we talked more we also realized that Michael 's not the whole problem . Yes , he is a child and he is learning to push limits , but we had changed rules and expectations that we just expected him to adapPosted by I couldn 't believe it . . . . the words " I don 't like you " just came out of Michael 's mouth to me . He wasn 't in his bed and laying down like he should have been so I had to go in and spank him . He looked right up at me and said " I don 't like you " . Where is he learning this ? I have never said that to him . I almost started crying . I know it 's just something he 's learning , but still it hurts to have your child tell you they don 't like you . I know , I know . . . . in a few years as a teenager that is probably all I will hear . Paul says " well at least he 's figuring out who 's boss " . I don 't know . . . I still don 't like it . I guess now I have to teach him that it 's not me he doesn 't like , it 's what 's happening . Oh , the struggles with a strong - willed child . And I think I have another one right behind him . Well , yesterday started out bad , but got a little better . My pastor 's wife , Barb , came to watch the kids while I went to my midwife 's appointment . Before I left I mentioned something about having a bad morning , but didn 't really go into details . When I got back we let the kids play as we looked at the church ministry schedule together . As she was getting ready to leave we were standing outside and talking about disciplining . She gave me some really good advice and listened to my struggles . When she was then leaving she gave me a big hug and was crying . I started crying then too , but it felt good to have someone crying along with me and have someone listen to me that understood what I was going through . She told me that she knew I have had struggles with being here and just in dealing with the kids and church . She said they pray for us every day . Then she told me that they were thankful we were here and that we have made their transition easier . I finally feel after 2 years of being here that I finally have a friend . I know she is someone I could call when I 'm having a bad day and she would listen and give me some encouraging advice . I am so thankful that God has called them here . Then this morning we went to the school 's first football game . Pastor and Barb and the kids met us there . I wasn 't sure if Barb and Annie would be coming so it was a great surprise and nice to be able to sit and visit with her again this morning . I also mentioned something to her about getting together , just her and I , on a regular basis . If it turned into more ladies getting together that would be fine , but even starting with us would be great . So , we are going to try to work something out . So , how can it go from a good reminding post to such a bad one ? I 'm afraid today is not as uplifting as others or as I would like it to be , but I just need a place to put my thoughts right now . It is not a good morning and I am sure it is mostly my attitude . I have a headache , I 'm not sleeping well at night ( but of course can in the morning when I need to get up ) , I have a 2 - year old that is pushing the limits and a one - year old that is trying to keep up with her brother . I have been wanting to get up early to read so I can start my day out on a positive note , but with not sleeping good and a child that gets up anywhere from 6 to 6 : 15 , I just can 't seem to get up early enough . I know I could probably get up when Michael does and still get to read , but I 'm still so tired from not sleeping well and I don 't even want to mess with it . So , by the time I do get up he 's really awake and I need to get breakfast started . Then there are the mornings like today when Grace decides to wake up earlier than usual so I am getting out of bed and getting her up at the same time . Luckily , I had breakfast planned ( a coffee cake I made yesterday and just had to bake this morning ) , but making the kids wait 30 - 40 minutes is like making them wait all day . Then I can 't even get dressed , go to the bathroom , or check my e - mail without them either coming up to " help " me or getting into something . I walk down this morning after getting dressed and all and find them on a chair in the kitchen getting into the coffee cake , opening a box of cake mix ( luckily they didn 't get the bag open ) and trying to get into the cupcakes . I feel like all I 've done is yell all morning ( which makes the headache worse ) and felt like crying . I 've really been trying not to yell and it was going good . Oh , and then I thought well we 'll sit down and color some brown paper bags and make puppets . I should have waited until a day when I was really ready to deal with that . I have a midwife appointment at 12 and my pastor 's wife is coming to stay with the kids so I don 't hPosted by Yesterday was a rainy day . . . very unusual here . It was a lot cooler though so that was nice . Last night we went out to the store and while we were out we saw the most beautiful rainbows . The first one was very bright . . . it looked like you could reach out and touch it . The other one was right above it and a little lighter . We could see all of the bottom one and most of the top one . The only part on the top one we couldn 't see was the very top where it went up into thick clouds . It for one reminded us how open the sky is out here that we could see the whole rainbow . It also reminded us of God 's promise . . . . and gave us an opportunity to tell Michael why there is a rainbow in the sky ( and not the scientific reason ) . He loved seeing it . It was still rainy this morning so we had to take Paul to school . Michael kept asking where the rainbow was . He thought it would still be out there this morning . Ok , so before I go to bed I had to write about what happened this afternoon . Paul had told Michael before he went down for his nap that after his nap we could go swimming . So , Michael gets up and comes in Grace 's room , where I was just getting her up , and says " I want to go swimming " . So we went to tell Paul that he was ready . The pool wasn 't filled yet , but fortunately out here we can fill it and get in it right away and it is still warm enough . So anyway , Paul and the kids get in while I grab a snack and the towels . Then I go out to get in and notice it is thundering off in the distance and the wind is picking up . We realize we may not be able to stay in for very long . Of course , about 15 minutes later the wind is really picking up and we think we are in for a storm . So we grab the kids and rush in the house . Michael doesn 't like this because he is having fun in the pool . So I suggest that we go get in the bath tub with our clothes on and play like it 's a pool . So the kids and I got in the tub with our clothes on and played . Then Michael finally decided he wanted to wash himself so we stripped the kids down and washed them up . They had so much fun and it was kind of fun for me too to get in the tub with them . It was just something I never would have thought about doing before , but it was something that will make me smile every time I think about it . So , we ended up at Applebee 's last night for their 2 for $ 20 deal . It was really good and we even splurged for a dessert ! It was great being able to eat and talk without interruptions from the kids . The kids also had a good time at our friend 's house . They all played well together . Today I spent the morning helping at a garage sale at my midwife 's office . I think we did good . It started out cool since the sun was behind some clouds , but then the clouds went away and it got hot ! Luckily one of the girls had brought a canopy for us to be under . Paul and the kids went to the first football game ( well scrimmage ) for the school . They didn 't stay for all of it , but had a good time . Paul said the kids were really good . Now it 's time for an afternoon of rest . I 'm still waiting to cool off enough to figure out what I want to eat . I think I 'm getting close now . So , today has been a good day . I went to bed feeling sick last night , but woke up to a play room and living room where I could see the floors ! I have a wonderful husband ! ! Since I woke up to everything picked up I was able to get the vacuum out and sweep the floors . I had wanted to do this yesterday , but just couldn 't get the energy to pick up the toys . Also , my back and hip have been bothering me so the bending and squatting are hard . Anyway , I was able to get ALL the floors vacuumed and the kids played the whole time . I also made my bed again today and cleaned up the kitchen . I even sat down and colored with the kids and played blocks . Paul and I are going out to dinner tonight . I am so excited ! I 'm not sure where we are going yet . He wanted to maybe try out an Italian place he found online . I also worked on my purpose statement today as the kids were going to sleep . I am going to post it here so I can look back at it periodically and see how I 'm doing . I think I may print it off and hang it on my kitchen cabinet so I can see it each day to remind me . My Purpose StatementGod - I will spend time every day in God 's Word . Physical family - I will provide a clean house and good meals . Spiritual family - I will pray for a different church member each day . World - I will look for ways to help others around me and act on them ( i . e . babysit for a friend 's child , make a meal for someone , give a gift to just lift someone 's spirits ) I also started chapter two today in my book . It is talking about fulfilling the roles God has given me as a woman . Anne says she has discovered four roles that God has given us . They are to be a helper to man , mother of children , manager of a home and minister to the world . " It is only when we as women determine to abide within the boundaries set by Him that we find true peace , joy , and fulfillment . " God has given me a husband so I can complete him , not compete against him . He has also blessed me with children and I need to remember this every day . In Titus 2 : 5 Paul told Titus to " admonish the oldPosted by Ok , so no reading thoughts today ( I actually haven 't done my reading yet ) . My sister - in - law commented on my blogging that she was impressed that with 2 little ones and another on the way that I could do it when she can 't even get her bed made . So . . . . I made my bed today ! LOL I had been in a good habit of making it , but lately had been slacking . I realized she was right . . . . it does make me feel better when it 's made because it 's at least one thing I 've gotten done today ! It was a pretty good day although I felt very tired most of the day . I don 't know if it 's the 3rd trimester kicking in or not enough good stuff to eat , but I hope I haven 't lost my energy yet . I did get to spend time with a friend this morning . She stopped by with her 3 year old son . The kids all played while we sat and talked . It is so nice to have the kids at the age where I can sit and talk with a friend again . It would be better if I had more friends drop in now ! Then this afternoon I was able to watch a friend 's little girl while she went to the gym . Her little girl has not liked going to the day care in the gym since they came back from vacation in May so she has not been able to go work out . I told her she was welcome to drop her off at our house and we could see how it would go . She did try going to the gym first , but she didn 't like it so she brought her on over . She cried and screamed for about 30 mins then decided it wasn 't so bad being here and started playing with some toys . As long as I didn 't talk to her she was fine . : - ) She played for about 30 mins then all the sudden started crying again . Then she cried till her mom came back . I told her she didn 't cry the whole time and that I would be glad for her to keep trying . I think we are going to try to just have them come over and play a couple times so she can get used to me and the kids and the house more . She does like the dog so that helps . When my friend came to pick her daughter up she offered to watch our kids tomorrow night so Paul and I could go out . I think we are going to take Posted by Today I am reading Chapter one . . . Setting Priorities . I 've never thought about the fact that when God created the light , water , flowers and wind he just spoke them into existence , but when he created the first person , he lovingly reached down and formed him out of the dust of the ground and then He breathed the first breath into that person . That to me just shows how much more He cares for us than he does for the rest of creation ! We are the only ones He can have a personal relationship with and that is what He wants . God is my first priority . . . not my husband or my kids or others . I am here to bring glory to God . Ephesians 2 : 10 " For we are His workmanship , created in Christ Jesus for good works , which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them " . According to Matthew 6 : 33 ( one of my favorite verses ) my top priority is to seek God . God will handle where I live , what I eat , and the clothes I wear , but I just need to seek after Him , daily . Mark 8 : 38 " For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation , of him the Son of Man also will be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels " . I do not want Jesus to be ashamed of me when I stand before God in judgment . . . therefore I will not be ashamed of Him today . In the book it suggest to write out a purpose statement for each priority area ( God , physical family , spiritual family and world ) . I will work on this and post my statement in another post so I can look back on it in a month to see how I did . Lord , please help me as I go through this book to see what you want with my life . Help me to make you my first priority . Help me be like you so that others can see you through me . Amen . I have decided to start a blog . I am reading through the book Juggling Life 's Responsibilities by Anne Elliott and I wanted to write my thoughts somewhere . If someone else can use my thoughts as encouragement to them then I figured that would be better than putting them in just a notebook for myself . This is my first time blogging so we 'll see how it goes . I am a child of God and Paul and Marilyn . I am a wife of Paul for 10 years . I am also a mother of 4 little ones . Paul has been the pastor at our church for 3 years . These are just some thoughts I have and want to record . |
Once upon a time there was a creature . He was of no species , and perhaps looked like several other animals , but only from a distance . His furry , scaly back looked like the floor after a barber had finished his work and then threw old snake and fish scales in among the hair . The creature 's belly was white and dripped a slow ooze of slime like a snail or a slug . He had three legs , which were short and stubby and might have resembled miniature elephant 's feet . The creature lived under a log at the edge of a swamp forest . He had lived in a suburban hedge after escaping from the zoo , but there was no food there and the sprays on the hedge made him sneeze . So here he was at the edge of the swamp , where there was plenty of dead matter full of grubs . After everything he had been through , and given the way he looked you would have thought the creature would have been dangerous or at least depressed . But the creature saw things differently . According to him he was unique , a one - of - a - kind . So he figured he had something special to give to the world and was just waiting for the world to tell him what it was . Days passed and the creature found himself molting . His fur was coming off in clumps and his scales littered the hole under the log . Even his oozy belly seemed to be puckering up . One day his giraffe nose just fell off , leaving a little pink nose underneath . It was just a few weeks before the creature had transformed into a little boy . He still ate grubs but now he used his little pink fingers . A couple walking by the swamp found the boy and , after a search for his parents , raised him . The boy grew up and had a very good life . He became a therapist , because very soon he realized that while he had shed all his scales and fur and shark teeth in the swamp , most everyone else had kept all of theirs inside . So he helps other people shed like he did . Once upon a time there was a whale . He wasn 't a great white whale , or even a blue whale . As far as whales go , he was kind of shrimpy . So at whale parties , which are the world 's best karaoke , he rarely got to sing lead . The top whales would sing lead , and he would occasionally get to do a background grunt , which are the whale equivalent to do - wop , do - wops . What other mammals don 't remember is the battle scars of most male whales . That 's right , battle scars from getting hit , really hard , in the water . If you 've ever tried to hit someone in the water , you know just how much force it would take to hit somebody hard enough to leave a cut that would be visible from a boat hundreds of yards away . That 's right . Those babies have got to hurt something fierce . Shrimpy wasn 't covered in battle scars , so he wasn 't likely to be anyone 's mate . And forget about being someone 's " primary escort , " which is the name of a whale that stays near a female and her newborn calf . Shrimpy wasn 't primary escort material . It should come as no surprise that Shrimpy was a humpback as well . This wasn 't really a problem for Shrimpy , because his entire whale species is humpbacked . But I thought I should mention it because it just adds insult to injury . So what Shrimpy needed was some way to climb the social ladder . Other mammals may use other talents to gain status in their tribe . Shrimpy needed something other than brute strength and size to gain a mate . Maybe even a better place in line at the banquet table of the ocean . Shrimpy had lots of time to work on his new song . He practiced far away from other whales , because whale songs can reach for twenty miles underwater . What many other mammals don 't know is that at any one time all the male humpback whales sing one song . It changes , but then they sing another one song . Forget your top forty . What you need is a number one hit or you don 't make the humpback whale charts . So it wasn 't enough for Shrimpy to release an intro . Album or a you tube video or something and wait for some fan following to build . He had to hit the mark right on with his first try . Now , if this was a story , then Shrimpy would have a hit single and make a change in his social status . But that would be ignoring the fact that the song charts that Shrimpy was trying to break into were male dominated . These were war songs , songs of challenge and triumph . Deep , manly songs about losing your dorsal fin rather than letting another male get near your woman . How well do you think Shrimpy did at writing those songs ? That 's right , he pretty much sucked . So after two failures at setting up the dominant mating tune , Shrimpy was close to giving up . Then he heard another sound . It wasn 't the booming military voice of the males . It was the gentle crooning of a mamma for her calf . Other mammals don 't think this sort of song even exists , because all they can hear is the loud macho songs . But while the primary escorts are flexing and posturing , it 's up to the mommas to calm the calves . Shrimpy had been chilling in some coral when a momma passed by , and that 's the only reason he heard it . Her escort would have kicked his butt if he 'd been seen . So Shrimpy started practicing some quiet songs , gentler songs . He had a lot of quiet time on the edge of the big pods of humpbacks . When he thought he had one down , he played it out during an off - mating time . The other male humpbacks were all like : " what is this girly - man singing about sand and coral and sea flowers for ? " But the female humpbacks were all bopping along to the beat and loving it . Come that mating season , Shrimpy got picked out for a mating season . When a female humpback gave him the come hither , he was there . Some other mammals even got it on film , and posted it all over the internet . The amazing thing is that it isn 't even rated PG - 13 , which is definitely showing some mammalian prejudice over what qualifies for what rating . Once upon a time there was a man . He walked into the sunset , his long coat whipping in the wind behind him and his large hat silhouetted against the dying sun . Once again the town was safe , but it always managed to attract new outlaws , or corrupt sheriffs , or greedy , powerful politicians . The man walked on to his farm . It was in disrepair . He was always so busy fixing problems in the town he never had time to deal with the farm chores or fix the roof . The only part of him that got used every day was his trigger finger . The man collapsed on his bed and wondered how he 'd get through this year . Old man Lawrence had already planted his crops for him in exchange for half the harvest . And the reward money was almost gone from the last three bank robbers . The villagers were grateful , but that didn 't extend to credit or discounts . When he woke up in the morning , the man heard footsteps on the porch and that imperious knock of some young bucko gunning for a reputation . He sighed , and rolled out of bed . He 'd slept in his clothes , waiting just such an occasion as this one . The boy on the porch couldn 't have been more that sixteen . But he looked quick , and he spoke the speech with feeling : " I 'm calling you out , Jeb Parker . You killed my daddy , and I 'm looking to make things right . So come out here and we 'll settle this thing like men . " " You looking to be a hero , kid ? " Jeb looked at the kid . He had the right build for it , and a nice cleft chin forming up . " Here 's how it 'll go , " Jeb paused as he thought . " I 'll sign over the farm to you , on account of you being the better shot than me and bettern ' me in every way . Then you go into town and tell them that I turned yellow and took off when they come calling for you to do some heroing . You take care of the problem , and suddenly you 're me . " " Which is a better vengeance , kid ? You shoot me , you got nothing . You let me turn coward and live , and you get my farm and my job . Plus you get me telling everyone there 's a new hero in town . Saves ya a lot of killing to make up yer reputation . " The kid thought about it , but nodded . " Shouldn 't we have a shoot out to prove who 's better ? " Jeb nodded . He didn 't see a way around it . So they shot at thrown bits of wood , at tree trunks , and at Jeb 's old frying pan . Jeb didn 't even have to cheat , much . The kid came out on top . " See , " said Jeb . " You deserve the hero 's job . " Jeb signed over the farm , and got the kid 's horse and gear in exchange . He settled into the saddle and rode off into the noonday sun . When he found a village that didn 't know him , he resolved to become another scared villager , complete with a wife and family . He could always pick up the gun again , but it was a lot harder to pick up a life . Once upon a time there was a hillside . It had scrub shrubs and a little stunted tree fighting its way out of the dry brown earth . The hillside came to a flat top , like a miniature mesa , and its sides were mostly dry earth that fell away from beneath our boots like thick sand . Over the top of the hillside stretched the bowl of a valley , flat and shimmering in the heat of mid - day . The heat waves made the facility sitting in the middle of the valley waver in the air like a mirage . Maybe it was , this manufacturing plant in the middle of nowhere . We 'd had to track its power supply and water lines for more than fifty miles underground , and through several different kinds of traps , before we reached here . It should have been visible from the air , a plant this size . But nothing showed up on overhead passes or satellite images . Didn 't make much sense , because there it was , and we had the water and power flow readings to prove it was there and was pulling enough power and water to fuel a small city . I looked over at my commander . He was doing the readings and scanning data for our home base . Another scout , Parker , was taking pictures . " Look sir ! " he held up the digital camera to our commander , " there 's nothing showing up . " I looked over his shoulder . The camera showed an empty valley . What was it , mirroring technology ? Did these yahoos have something perfected that we were just starting to experiment with ? And if so , why didn 't it work on the human eye , which should have been the most susceptible to deception . But our scanners also picked out infrared , and whole spectrums I didn 't even know the names of . There was no way to completely conceal a plant of this size . But they had . It was me , the commander , and Parker on this " fool 's errand in the desert . " Higher command agreed that there was a power and water drain , but they couldn 't spare a whole lot of men to go on an extended desert hike to see where it was going . And they had a good point , there was nothing out here or they would have seen it . I suspected that this was the commander 's last command , tolerated only because he 'd been worked around the clock for as long as anyone could remember . So when he got back they 'd ship him stateside , and then ease him into retirement or a desk job because he 'd finally blown a fuse . " Jackson . " The commander called to me . " You see it as well as we do , right ? " I nodded . " Yes , sir . It looks like a fully functioning weapons facility . I don 't know how we missed it . " The commander looked unhappy . " I just talked to home base . They don 't have anything on their scanners and satellite is negative . So they 'd like some sort of evidence that they can see before they call in an airstrike . " I nodded . I 'd seen the maps of the area before we set out . The satellites could map down to a few feet . There was no way we could see anything they couldn 't . " Could it be a mirage , sir ? " I bit down on my lip the second I said it . The commander looked like he wanted to punch me , but he nodded as well . " Could be . Check it out and we 'll cover you . I haven 't seen any movement or anything on the ground . " I shouldered my weapon and hiked up over the top of the hillside . There wasn 't much point in trying to hide on that valley floor . If I 'd wanted to , I could have colored myself like the dirt and belly crawled out to the facility without anyone seeing me . But I didn 't know if the facility was even there . I 'd have to trust my body armor and helmet to deflect any initial attack and my buddies to give me some cover . If home base decided to act , we could have eight aircraft over the top of this thing in ten minutes , each with enough firepower to flatten the place . But it wouldn 't be in time for me if there was a sniper watching me . It made me itchy , thinking of a sniper . I 'd gotten a bit of shrapnel under my helmet a while back during a convoy explosion that took out the truck ahead of me . They said they 'd gotten it all , but the scar itched whenever I got nervous . Snipers made me nervous . I 'd known one back in basic training . Could take the wings off a fly at a hundred yards , but spent most of the rest of his time twitching . It was like the only time he could stay still was when he had a rifle pointed at something . So thinking of snipers made me think of tall , twitchy guys who couldn 't quite look anyone in the eye . The valley floor had looked like a couple hundred yards from the hillside , but once I was out on it the distance got considerably longer . I kept my head down , scanning the facility for any signs of movement . With every step , the facility seemed to get farther away . Could this thing really be a mirage after all ? Twenty minutes later , the facility disappeared . I must have walked into the middle of the mirage and it just evaporated . I could see little puddles of mirage around me , looking like water on the sand . I felt bad for my commander . It was his butt on the line for getting us all the way out here . It still didn 't answer where the power and water cables went , but I doubted home base would waste any more time chasing power cables in the desert . I tripped over something . Went face down in the sand and scrambled away from it . We 'd had too much landmine training to get too close to something in the sand . Then I looked back at the thing and it winked at me . A camera projector , disguised under a chunk of desert grass , shining the light back at me . I bent closer to the camera , and it whirred slightly , turning toward me . I froze . The camera stopped , looking up at me . I had a very bad feeling about this . If I was on top of an underground bunker , they knew I was here and were looking right at me . Something this size definitely wouldn 't be defenseless , and right now I probably had a dozen remote - controlled guns pointed at me . But then I thought a bit more . Whoever it was couldn 't take on all of us . They didn 't want to riddle me with bullets and let me lie on top of their little bunker as a marker for an airstrike . So all I needed to do was walk away and call in the strike . As long as I was alive , I could tell home base about the camera , in the middle of the desert , underneath the factory mirage . I played that one through in my head . There was no way home base was going to call in a bunker buster airstrike on a patch of desert based on the word of a grunt who had just admitted he 'd walked through a factory mirage . I needed proof . The camera might be proof enough . I reached down and grabbed a hold of the camera stalk . It was steel , but if I bent it back and forth , I bet I could break it off . All I needed was a little piece to prove something was out here . When you get a lot of electrical current through you , it makes you grunt . I grunted like a pig as the camera pretty much fried me where I grasped it . Next time , I promised myself , I 'll wear gloves . Then I blacked out . Whoever it was must have put me under for a while , because when I woke up the three of us , commander , Parker , and me , were all lying in a cell . It was one of those white cells , with the sanitized clear glass doors like they wanted to put us on display . The other two were still out . We were dressed only in our boxers , so I figured whoever it was had a pretty good chance to go over us . I got up and looked around the cell . There wasn 't much to see , but they had a sink and a toilet , so I used both . No point in not feeling comfortable while you wait . A white coated man came up to our glassed in door . He opened a slot , and deposited three sets of paperwork and pens into the slot . His face was covered in a white hood , and when he spoke he had a voice modulator that masked any accent . " Please fill out the paperwork , and you will be fed . " Then he left . We got the paperwork . They were complete medical records sets , one for each of us . We discussed whether or not we should fill out the paperwork . The man in white came back , wheeling a flat screen television . He turned it on , and we got to see three men , dressed in our fatigues , picking their way through a rocky landscape . " Three men enter the valley . Three men leave . " He said to us . " Fill out the paperwork . " The commander chewed his lip . " Maybe satellite was watching you when you went out there . Maybe it got an image of the guys who attacked us . They might be coming for us right now . " We watched the three men leaving the valley . " Maybe , " I said . " But maybe nobody at home base really cares about this mission . The best they 'll do is track us occasionally . And there we are , happy as clams , so what 's the issue ? " I started filling out my paperwork . The commander and Parker tore theirs up . When the man in white came back , I deposited my paperwork in the little drawer . " Thank you , Mr . Jackson . " The man was expressionless . I could hear gas seeping into our vents . While Parker and the commander pounded on the door , I lay back in my bunk . I figured it was knockout gas and the worst thing we could do was fall over and injure ourselves . When I woke up again , I was out of my cell . I was in a room with a nicer bed , and my own television . On my arms and legs were bracelets . A note by the bed explained that the bracelets were water resistant but that any attempt to tamper with any of the bracelets would generate a possibly fatal shock . I turned on my television . It only played a snippet of a local news story . The announcer was talking about my commander 's fatal stroke , and speculating about what had happened to my commander mentally before he shot both of the soldiers under his command . Parker had been killed , and my bloody footprints had been found at the edge of a deep ravine . The body would be retrieved in the next few days . I shivered . Whoever had me here didn 't need me anymore . I was hungry , and wandered out of my room looking for something to eat . The man in the white mask , or maybe someone else , met me in the hallway . " Come with me , Mr . Jackson . I wanted to throttle him for my buddies . " Resist your impulses , Mr . Jackson . The bracelets have been calibrated to your heart rate . " I grabbed him . If I was going to get shocked , so would he . When the shock hit , I crumpled and the man waited for me to recover . " I wear rubber undergarments , Mr . Jackson . And you have used up your one chance . A second attempt will make you an unsuitable candidate . " I followed him down a corridor , and into a mess hall . The room was filled with bracelet wearing folks . I saw soldiers I thought I recognized , but also guys with civilian haircuts and a number of women sprinkled through the crowd . Getting my food , I saw that even the servers had bracelets . The whole place ran on borrowed labor . Even the rations I was getting served were standard issue . Everything about this place had been taken from our own supplies . I sat down to eat and asked the guy next to me : " So , what 's the deal here ? " He looked over at me and put his finger to his lips . I looked around and saw all the cameras . " So what ? " I said . " They know we 're going to … yowtch ! " My bracelets shocked me . I swore . The man next to me nodded . I grimaced . " So , how long you been here ? … YOWTCH ! " The man looked over at me sympathetically and held up a three fingers . " Three months or three years ? … . Oouch ! " The last time the shock got both of us and the man moved away from me at the table . That last shock did something weird . While I was getting shocked it was like I wasn 't dressed in a nice white suit after all . I was still dressed in my filthy boxers . And the room around me didn 't look like a nice mess hall . It looked like a big cave , dimly lit by a string of bulbs along the wall . Then the shock ended and I was back in the mess hall . I moved down the table . The guy on the other side of me didn 't look too happy . " You don 't have to talk . . Ouch ! " I took the shock and spent the second looking around . We were in a big cave , and everybody else was dressed in their underwear . We were eating standard , cold , survival rations out of the foil . Then I was back in mess hall with the guy , who was also getting shocked for just being near me . When I looked behind me , the man in the white mask was walking rapidly toward our table . Only now he didn 't look like he was dressed in white , he looked like he was dressed in a black robe with silver stars ? " I 'm sorry , Mr . Jackson , it 's time to die . " He said it without emotion . As he said it , I reached out and grabbed him by the throat . I felt the shock going through me and saw that it wasn 't going through him . I could feel the skin of his throat . There was no latex nothing between us . My heart hurt in my chest , but I fought it off . As I fought , I could see the mess hall fade and the cave resume . The white mask faded away and the man in front of me was a hooked nosed little man with graying hair and an absurd magician 's robe . I was dying , but I had him by the throat . He winced as my grasp tightened . Then his eyes got very round and he waved his hand . Immediately , the shock ceased . I struggled to stay upright . " Come with me , Mr . Jackson . " The man 's voice was quavering , but clearly more Mediterranean than Middle - Eastern . I came with him , still trying to figure out why I wasn 't dead , and what had happened to the mess hall . We threaded our way through a bunch of filthy people hunkered down on the floor eating survival kits in a cave . All of them had strands of what looked like human hair tied around their wrists and ankles . The man brought me to a cave and set me down on some army issue blankets piled in a corner . " Sleep , Mr . Jackson . We will talk in the morning . " I faded out without a sound . In the morning I woke up in the cave . When I got up , the little man was there , dozing at the cave mouth . He got up with a start when I did . " You don 't know how long I 've waited , Mr . Jackson ! It 's so rare to find anyone these days , anyone at all . " " Oh , no , Mr . Jackson . You just think I did . Come and see . " The little man led me down the caves until we came to a closed cave mouth . Both the commander and Parker were bloody and bruised , asleep in the entrance . When they heard us coming the commander got groggily to his feet . He saw me and swore . " Traitor ! What , did they make you a commander already ? Going to lead the strikes against home base ? I 'd kill you if I could get out of here ! " He threw himself against the cave wall , striking his already bloody hands against the rock . I looked down at my filthy boxers . What was he seeing ? " Commander , don 't you see ? It 's just me . You 're in a cave . " The commander glowered at me . " Threaten me all you want . I 'll never switch . Take your threats and shove ' em . " He collapsed back to the floor with his back to us . The little man walked me away a short distance . " I 'm terribly sorry . There is nothing we can do for them . If I remove the hair , every time they go insane . It 's better to let them live out whatever they are living in now . It makes them happy , in a way . " " What are you , a magician ? " I looked at him . " An illusionist , " he bowed . " At one point my family ran much of Europe , but I fear we are out of fashion . Currently three other families control much of the globe . " " How is that possible ? " I looked around me . " You 've seen for yourself . " Said the illusionist . " With the advent of modern technology , everything magical has become believable once again . Your dragons breathe smoke and exhaust , or hover in the air as silent saucers . A man may appear in one place and then another without causing suspicion . Commands and information come through the ether , manifesting disembodied voices without any inkling of disbelief . Watch . " The illusionist stopped a young man who was passing us . He held up a hand to the man . " You may talk with your family . " I watched as the young man accepted something in the air and started talking animatedly with his empty hands . Evidently that conversation went badly and he was soon in tears . Eventually he threw something against the wall and stormed off . The illusionist explained how the illusionist families had created empires for themselves . " Once you start an illusion , it takes hold , " he explained . " For example , there is a stock exchange in the Midwest that is simply an empty room . But people buy and sell there every day , and see their fortunes made and lost on empty walls . Nothing more needs to be added to the illusion . It self - perpetuates . " How did we end up in the desert ? He told me the long version , but the short version was that he was afraid that one of the other families would find him so he retired to the desert . Then the rest of us showed up and started blowing things up . He started taking in lost soldiers out of pity , and then needed supplies , electricity and water . So he did enough illusion to have workers lay down the lines . " They thought they were building a weapons facility , " he explained . Seeing through the illusion is the illusionist 's greatest trick . So when he found me , the illusionist was overjoyed . He 's been training me in how to do the tricks , but they are fearfully easy . Create a series of online images , add an interview , and you 've got a minor war . The three major families keep everything in chaos , and have gotten more desperate in recent years . So we need more people like me , trying to set things right . Once upon a time there was an addict . It had started when he was a child , and every time he did a certain kind of picture his mother would praise him . But when he did anything abstract , anything strange or dark or disturbing , she would just nod and look away . Soon he learned to do only the sort of pictures that got him her praise . As he grew up , the same rules applied to everything he did . When he wanted to become an artist , his mother pursed her lips . But when he talked about accounting , she was all smiles . His father even chimed in at times for that one . " Good money , " was all he 'd said , but he might as well have blessed the position . So the addict spent all his time reading books that would make his mother smile and his father nod occasionally . As he grew up more , the addict would bring girls home . Some of them got a slight nod , but it wasn 't until he found the right girl that his mother was all smiles . So the addict married the right girl , and got the right job . At his job , the addict found himself doing things he knew were wrong . They were cooking the books for major corporations . But when he brought it up with his mother , she refused to believe that his big name accounting firm would do such a thing . When he brought it up again , she pursed her lips and asked if the addict needed to see a doctor about his depression . So the addict went to see a doctor . When he explained about the anxiety he was experiencing , he was prescribed a medication . That medication did make him feel calmer , but it gave him restless legs and he needed another medication for that . Both the medications let him feel calm and let him sleep , but after a while he developed occasional explosive gas , which also gave him anxiety . So the addict started going to another doctor who talked to him about his mother . What the second doctor said was that the addict was too dependent on others for approval . The addict agreed , but explained that everything in his life had been built on that approval . Without that approval , he wouldn 't be in the job he was in , he wouldn 't be married to who he was married to , and he honestly didn 't know what his life would look like . The doctor thought it would be helpful for the addict to spend some time in various therapies . So the addict did a number of strange things , some of which made him feel better for a short time . But the underlying reality was that every part of his life fed on him being exactly the way he was , and didn 't allow him to change . Then the accounting firm corruption was uncovered . The leaders of the corruption quickly pointed the fingers at the heads of departments , who singled out individuals who were responsible for the unauthorized changes . The public , looking for someone to blame , fastened onto those responsible people and the addict was one of them . He was tried and convicted , and sentenced to two years in a minimum security prison . While he was in prison , the addict lost everything . All his money went to pay for the civil suits brought against him by angry people . His wife filed for divorce , and his mother stopped talking to him . She was so embarrassed she refused to acknowledge he was even her son . When he left prison , the addict lived in a half - way house , full of people who were recovering from various addictions . He spent time with lots of people going through twelve step programs and got a part - time job typing numbers into a computer . In his spare time , the addict drew dark shapes and stories , all in ink . One day one of his buddies saw the stories and asked the addict to start doing the art for his local band . The addict did some good covers , and a local tattoo artist asked him for some original work . Customers liked the addict 's dark sinewy figures , and he became part of the tattoo set . Pretty soon he could make more money designing original art for people than he could putting in numbers . But the idea of giving up the numbers left the addict feeling shaky and strange . He thought back to all the different therapies he 'd done , and realized all the emotions tied into numbers for him . So he did a series of drawings encapsulating what each number represented for him . He showed it around and a local art dealer did a little display for him . The display matched what a reporter wanted for a piece by a major paper , so the addict got a nice write up . His numbers got bought out , and the addict did another set . Then a collector wanted a complete set of his own . The addict never stopped being an addict . He does seek approval from others . But now he 's doing what he wants to do and finding the people who will support what he already likes . Now that he 's a success , the addict 's mother has decided to grant interviews where she takes credit for his amazing talent . But she 's right , she is responsible , just not in the way she 'd like to think . After years of not being expressed , the addict 's art is deeper , darker , and richer than it might have been . Now the addict is a sought after artist , doing installations and major pieces . It is hard for him to remember what it was like to be that other person , the one who never did anything he wanted . If you ask him what has changed , he 'd shrug . But something did change , and when the addict draws he smiles with happiness . Once upon a time there was a hermit . He lived with his garden along a hilltop in a desolate area of Shandong province . Every morning he would rise up and look out at the horizon , seeing the weather for the day and wondering about eternity . Before he had been a hermit , the hermit had been a successful merchant . But when a fire took everything he had and his family had been forced to live with relatives in shame , the hermit had taken to the mountaintop to find enlightenment . So far , it had been elusive . Every day the hermit would sit in meditation , grasping for peace and good will . Instead he got an angry stream of thoughts about the injustice in the world . When he angrily forced the thoughts aside he missed his family and felt great shame at not being able to provide for them . At no time did he feel peace or a sense of oneness or anything like that . At long last the hermit left his mountain top in disgust . Nothing had been gained . He descended again into the valley , on his way to the sea to drown his worthless self in the sea . He stopped by to visit his family , and cherished every minute with them . Nothing pleased him so much as to look on his family , and he felt again the shame of his inability to care for them . With much weeping , he left his family and went on to the sea . As he was selecting a suitable stone along the beach , a fisherman called to him . " Hey , can you give me a hand ? " The hermit considered for a moment , and thought it would matter little if he died in an hour or two . So he lent the fisherman a hand and helped him unload his catch . " Thanks ! " said the man . " I could sure use a fellow like you tomorrow . We have a big haul to do . What if I paid you in food to pull it in with me ? " The hermit explained his situation , and the fisherman nodded . " A man 's honor must be fulfilled . Let me help you find a rock , then . " The hermit was grateful for the man 's help , as the rock they selected was very heavy . The fisherman helped him up the hill and then asked that the hermit wait until he could make it back to his hut and say prayers for the hermit . " Wait until moonrise , " said the fisherman . " That is an auspicious time to die . " The hermit nodded and waited by the stone for the moon to rise . He meditated intensely , waiting for enlightenment . Surely at this critical time it would not fail him . But nothing came . As he struck the water with tremendous force , the man experienced true terror . Nothing about his honor , his shame , and his guilt mattered at all . He struggled for air , and thrashed against the rope holding him to the heavy stone . With a snap , it separated , and the hermit struggled to the surface , gasping for air . He was still in a terrible situation , with the high rocks threatening to crush him and the restless sea dragging him outward into its depths . The hermit saw a light on the water and struck out for it . He came up to the fisherman 's boat , and tread water until the fisherman peered over the side at him . " Hey , it 's a dead man , " said the fisherman . " What to help me pull in my catch tomorrow ? " The hermit climbed heavily onboard and they rowed back to land . For the next few months , the hermit helped the fisherman . He thought about climbing the cliff again , but when he did he remembered his terror as the water swallowed him . It wasn 't bravery that kept him alive , it was a fear of death . They did well together , and the fisherman talked to the hermit about his family . Together they set about building a second fishing hut , and when it was finished , they sent for the hermit 's family . The family was overjoyed that the hermit was still alive and , although the fishing hut was shabby , it was better than relying on the charity of their family . Over the years the hermit and the fisherman became like brothers . They worked every day together , and often knew what the other wanted without speaking . At long last , the older fisherman came to the end of his life . As he lay dying , the hermit talked with him at last about his own fear of dying . " If that rope hadn 't parted , " he told the fisherman , " I would have died in terror . " " I know , " said the fisherman . " That 's why I cut the rope as we climbed . " In that moment , the hermit felt at one with the fisherman , his family and even the stars in the night sky . He knew that this was finally the moment of enlightenment , and hugged his friend as he died . Once upon a time there was a mist . It crawled along the ground like some blind creature , sniffing out places to fill and to swallow up . Within the mist everything seemed more silent , hushed as if expecting something , or perhaps muffled by the tendrils of fog . Nothing lived in the mist , and was hungry . It sought out light and sound , scenting them on the air and lured by their sparkle and the taste of warm light sliding down the back of its nothing throat . Within the swirl that might have been its mind , it consumed all that around it and wanted more . How do you fight nothing ? No armament , no sturdy shield , dripping with moisture and strapped to a sinewy arm . Nothing swallows these without a sound . There is no light that can withstand it , no way to see it , for there is nothing to be seen . But the hunters of nothing are not men of might . They wander the world armed with only laughter and hope . Many do not know the creature that they hunt , only the things they abhor and seek to brighten . Such a man was the minstrel Alderill , a wandering fool who sang for his supper and told old jokes that might seem new in the retelling . But Alderill had lost his way in the mist , and felt the chill of the night on his neck and in his bones . The hair on his body stood up , as if something in the mist was whispering of danger . Tree trunks loomed up out of the mist like ghastly phantasms , then faded just as silently as they appeared . Alderill thought he might find a path if he walked long enough , but nothing stalked his path and hid his way , brushing the mist thickly across the path as he crossed it and obscuring it from view . Nothing scented Alderill 's lute , an early guitar , and licked at its strings for a taste of their sweet music . When Alderill turned , nothing was there , breathing heavily , but invisible with its background of mist . Nonetheless , Alderill 's skin crawled . He felt its presence as though he could see nothing . Without thinking , Alderill began to hum to himself . Just a little something to pick up his spirits . But nothing stole the tune from his lips and left him feeling emptier than he had a moment before . He turned in a circle , peering into the mist , and could not shake the sense of being shadowed . Nothing began to steal his heat , savoring every drop . Alderill shivered , and on an impulse unslung his lute and began to play . Nothing was delighted , and lapped up the music as soon as it left the strings . Alderill had the eerie feeling of playing with no sound . He kept his mouth closed firmly , fearing that whatever enchantment had stolen his music would creep down his throat and take his voice . For now Alderill felt that he was enchanted indeed . Lost and being drained , some foul creature at work on him . What had the old enchantress said about this sort of spell ? Alderill racked his brains . The only way out was to find its weakness . He opened his belt pouch and took out flint and steel . Striking them together he watched as the sparks were swallowed up before they left the flint . Not fire . And not music . Alderill shivered again . When he wasn 't playing the nothing settled down on him and took his body heat . So Alderill played silently , giving the nothing what it craved while he thought to himself how this creature could be beaten . There was nothing all about him , and Alderill 's head was empty of a solution . He stumbled and righted himself , trying to keep the tune from skipping . Here he was , a dying minstrel in a misted wood , playing silently for some monster and afraid he might mess up the tune . Alderill laughed at himself , and the nothing shrank back . For a moment he felt lighter , and even a little warmer . Alderill smiled . The beast feared laughter . He tried to tell a joke , but nothing stole his words and he could feel the coldness of its passage creeping over his lips and into his mouth . So Alderill gave out a barking laugh , unreal , but enough to startle nothing out of his mouth . Nothing crept in closer now . It could feel the light within this man , and wanted it , all of it . Alderill saw his hands begin to turn blue from the sudden cold . He laughed in a panic , and the color faded a bit . Alderill threw back his head and laughed at the absurdity of the world , at the hopelessness of his plight , and at the raging darkness all around him . He guffawed at the wretched state of his clothes , his purse , and his prospects . He bent double over the one about the miller 's daughter and that silly limerick that had always tickled him . Alderill laughed at obscenity , absurdity and maturity . He laughed until he couldn 't breathe , then laughed at his gasping , hacking , coughing and spluttering attempts to keep laughing . He laughed until he was hoarse and then kept laughing until all that came out was a hacking whisper . Only when he could laugh no more did Alderill notice the mist was gone . It had gradually dissipated into the ground as Alderill had shriven it to pieces . The nothing was gone , replaced by gentle night breezes who did not notice its absence . |
They had been chased out of the city . His father was dead . His brother . Even his little sister they had killed . Now it was just him and his mother . Slaves in the countryside . The Khmer Rouge had taken advantage of the American bombs and the fear of an external enemy far more powerful . Now they were in control . He had to go out in the early morning , before light broke . The guards were tired after a long night , less attentive . If he was not back before sunrise they would kill them both . Please , don 't , it 's too dangerous ! His mother had begged him . She was asleep when he left . The hunger made him . He passed the guarded zone , but the forest was even worse . Landmines . There were landmines everywhere . The night was dark . No stars . No moon . Just darkness . That was good , he was more difficult to see . Mushrooms . He picked one up . Poisonous . He dropped it and moved on . Something moved . A spider . He went closer . It was not big enough to fill his stomach , but it would be a mouthful for his mother . He had to be careful . Kill it before it bit him . He saw a glow in a distance . A greenish glow in the darkness . It couldn 't be . It mustn 't be . He crouched . The glow came closer . He saw a face . It was . A beautiful woman 's face , but she had no body . A head hovering in the air . Her heart was hanging down underneath her . Ahp . Krasue , as his grandfather had called her . She was even more terrifying than the guards . More dangerous than bombs . More horrible than landmines . He he threw himself down . She moved closer . A moan of suffering escaped her mouth as she passed right above him . Long . Deep . She was searching for blood . She stopped , as if she was listening . Searching . He didn 't move . He didn 't blink . He didn 't breath . He could see the green light on his hands in front of him . The moment lasted forever . She disappeared into the darkness . He lay there for a long time . She could be back . She could be waiting . Light . Daybreak . He got up . Looking around , unsure if she was still there . He ran . He saw guards in the distance . He moved from bush to bush , crouching , creeping . His mother was still sleeping when he entered the hut . She would be hungry today as well . He had made it back , but he was not safe . They never were . The Moon was looking down on Earth as she always did . He was different these days . Lights everywhere . New things were orbiting him as well , just like she did . It was nice . It was lonely out there , all she ever had of company was rocks crashing violently into her . One day a new object moved up from earth . Another satellite , she thought at first , but it was heading straight towards her . It landed softly , unlike like the brutal meteors . In a friendly manner . She 'd never known anything like it . A creature came out . A strange little being in a white suit of some kind . He stepped clumsily down on her . It tickled . Another followed . They jumped happily around with such grace , such beauty . He pinned a stick in her . It stung a little bit , but she didn 't care . He could do what ever he wanted . After a while they went back into the little metal thing they had arrived in . It started shaking , flames came out of it . It burned her a bit , but she didn 't care about that . She didn 't want them to leave . No . Please don 't go ! Said Moon , but they did not listen . She saw them going back towards Earth , always so blue , green and full of life . How lucky he was , never alone . Maybe one day they would be back . Maybe , if she was lucky , they would even stay . The little girl was standing in front of him . He couldn 't see her eyes . Her dark hair was hanging down in front of her pale face . She held a doll in her right hand . The doll 's eyes were torn out . It was hanging like a dead person . The girl made a sudden move with her head , threw her hair back . Fast . Her face . Twisted , strange , as if someone had hurt her , cut her . Destroyed her . She screamed . They had found the house in the wilderness . Abounded and beautiful . With a bit of work they had cleaned it up well enough to stay there for some days . A rest until they would continue their journey . In the basement they found a book . A small writing book , a note pad . Only one of the pages had text on it . The letters were chaotic , as written by a child . This night Janet and Morty had been lying in front of the fireplace . Janet fell asleep , and Morty went out to take a piss . Coming back in he saw the little girl . She was standing in the hallway . Her face had a horrendous look in it 's red , beady eyes . Her scream was long , evil and in pain . She jumped at him faster than a beast . Bit his throat , pulling it out . Morty fell to the ground . Blood poured out of the wound and his mouth . The scream woke Janet up . She ran out in the hallway , saw her boyfriend vomiting blood on the floor . A little girl sitting on top of him . The girl turned her head . An unnaturally fast movement . Her head was turned backwards . Blood were running down her cheeks . She jumped , or flew towards Janet . Janet fell backwards . She managed to throw the little girl into the fireplace . She screamed horrible screams as the flames devoured her . Screams of a little girl in pain and terror . Then she disappeared . Janet ran over to her beloved boyfriend lying on the floor . He was dead . There was nothing she could do for him . She ran out the door as fast as she could and into the night . She stopped . The little girl was standing in the yard . In front of her . In the tall grass . She stopped . Petrified . The little girl attacked . The sleeping birds awoke and flew from their trees far , far away . He seems to be doing something in the basement lately . He 's down there all the time . He doesn 't want me to see what he is doing . I 'm scared . Jessica closed the diary . Held it to her chest . She felt that for the first time in a long time she had a friend . A friend that understood her . Hadn 't had the time ? He looked at her with a sceptical look . I bet you haven 't , you fucking whore … He turned the TV on , sat down at the table . What are you waiting for ? She hadn 't been out of the house for months , he didn 't let her . He kept beating her , insulting her . She couldn 't see any way out . She accepted it , suffering . The diary gave her council . Marion Winston had been living the same hell many years ago . She knew she was not the only one . She used to love him . He had been so strong , so charming . That was a long time ago now . She detested him . Every time he came home she felt how she hated him . Every time he called her whore , every single time a day , she wished him dead . But she feared him . His strong hands . The beating had gotten worse . Slowly she had lost everything . He pride . Her hope . Now she was to weak , to insecure to get away . She stops . Just down to hang up the laundry , honey . He grumbled and scratched his balls . She suspired . He was unpredictable when he was in this mood . She went down the wooden stairs in the basement . It was an old house , more than hundred years . The basement had stone walls , built with rocks from the area . That 's where she had found it . The diary . In a crack between two rocks in the wall . She took it out of the hole where she kept it . One of the rocks moved . It was loose . She took the book out . Her treasure . Her friend . She sat down , started reading where she had left off . Mary was a young woman living in the same house many years ago . Her husband had been rich and powerful , and everybody was looking up to him . At home he was evil . He 's been down there forever now . I hear sounds of rocks being moved . Of digging . I asked him once . He got angry . Said it was none of my business . I won 't ask him again . Jessica was living the words . She felt she could her her lost friend talking through the walls , a voice whispering the words in the air . I 'm afraid . This secrecy . What is he up to ? I need to get down there to have a look some day . I need to know . Jessica looked up from the book . The voice . Was it real ? It sounded like it came from the place she 'd found the diary . She put the book on the table , went over to the hiding place . She pulled the loose rock . It was moving . She had to coax it out , but slowly she got it . Behind there was darkness . A cold draft came from somewhere within . It smelled like a cave , of dirt and fungus . Rot . The door to the stairs opened . What are you doing down there ? He asked . The book was lying on the bench . She took it , wanted to hide it . Her shaking hands dropped it to the ground . " He beats me all the time . He 's getting more and more … " Did you write this ? Are you writing about me ! ? He hit her . Are you fucking someone ? Hu ? Bitch ? He hit her again . No one , I promise ! Tears running down her cheeks . I don 't know who you 've been fucking , but I 'm gonna fuck you like no one ever fucked you before , you fucking whore ! You gotta learn who 's boss around h … There was a metal bar lying on the table . She grabbed it , hit him in the face . He stumbled back . You God damned … He was standing there , with one hand on his face . He looked crazy . She was terrified . He hit her with his fist . She fell back . He pulled the bar out of her hand . She was holding on to the bench not to fall . He picked up the bar . You fucking hit me ! His eyes were glowing with hatred . Some strange smoke were coming out of the hole in the wall . Like a shadow . Abstract , dark . That 's it , bitch , he said . Calmly now . Your dead . Looking into his eyes she knew he meant it . The shadow grabbed his arm , stopped the strike . What the … Another shadow rounded his neck . He was pulled with incredible strength through the wall . The big rocks were torn down and he disappeared into a dark hole . She waited . She waited for quite a while . Honey . . ? Honey ? Are you OK ? She heard the whisper again . Laughing silently . It 's over … In the end of the tunnel there was a room . The smell got stronger . A big bench were situated in the centre . Chains were attached to it . All kinds of knives and utensils where scattered around . A torture bench . Upon it lay a skeleton . The flesh was gone . There she had died . Marion Winston . Naked . Tortured . On the floor lay the man who once was the love of Jessica 's life . His neck was twisted in a strange way . Broken . Marion had gotten her revenge . She had avenged them both . Marcus turned the machine on . It shook , lights were flashing . He was not too sure if he dared enter . He swallowed , straightened his back , and opened the door . Inside he pushed the green button . There was a hell of a noise , then silence . Had it worked ? He didn 't know . He opened the door , went out . Looked around . His house was gone . His neighbours house was there , but it looked a lot newer . It had worked . He had travelled back in time . He walked down the street , looking at people . Their out - of - date styles . He was thrilled . A real time machine ! Haha ! And Runar said it was impossible to travel time . Now he was going to see ! After a while he saw a girl sitting at a bench , crying . There was something familiar about her . He went closer . She was his mum ! She was about his age , and beautiful . He asked why she was crying , what was wrong . Nothing , she said . Then she said : My boyfriend 's an asshole . Marcus ' father . He sat down . They talked for a while . It was exiting . She really couldn 't have any idea ! They got along instantly , which was natural , after all . Why don 't you come with me for a cup of tea ? She said after a while . My parents aren 't home . They sat in her living room drinking tea . It was his grandparent 's house , but it smelled different , and the furniture was new . They talked and laughed . The atmosphere got better and better . Suddenly she got quiet . She kissed him . He didn 't know what to do . He got perplex . He 'd never kissed a girl before , and she was more beautiful than he 'd ever imagined , even when the Oedipus complex had been beating at it 's worst . He let him self go , returning her kiss . It 's just a kiss , he said to himself . They were making out passionately , and she started undressing them both . Touching him . He couldn 't resist . She moved herself over him , slowly slipping him inside her . He knew it was wrong , but he let it happen . She rode him , first gently , then faster . He didn 't last long . He came with a loud moan , squirting her full . He had shagged his own mother ! And she didn 't even know who he was . He felt like a rapist . A monster . He got on his feet , red as a tomato . Are you OK ? She asked , confused . Didn 't you like it ? He said he was sorry , that , yes , it had been wonderful , but he had to leave . He pulled his clothes on fast and rushed towards the door . She looked despaired . Will I see you again ? She asked . He stopped , looked at her . You definitely will , he said and got out of there . Back in his own time he lay on his bed staring at the ceiling . His head was spinning through contradictions and paradox . The date he had travelled to was nine months before his birth . He didn 't look anything like his father . They had gone on a trip with Andrew 's dads canoe , and stopped at a cabin in the woods . The door was closed but unlocked . They went in to have a look . An adventure ! Mary was thrilled . There was something odd , though . A kind of strange nest in the corner . It was different from any nest they had ever seen . Cool ! Said Andrew . He went over to the nest , took a fork from the drawer just underneath and poked it . A strange sound from inside the nest . He jumped back . Laughed . He went closer again . Looked into a hole in the side of the nest . Put his nose in front of it . Sniffed . Something came shooting out of the hole . Into his nose . Let me see ! Said Mary . She looked into his nose . Nothing there but the same strange sound . I don 't know , she said . Looked like some kind of creep . His head exploded . Blood splattered on the walls , leaving the room red . Mary didn 't even scream . She just stared at the body on the floor . All the blood . What the fuck just happened ? She called the police when she got to the village . They went out to the cabin to have a look , although they didn 't really believe her . They entered the cabin carefully . It was clean and neat as if someone cleaned it just a while ago . A strange nest were hanging in the corner . Lía and Marco were lying in their tent . They had a tent for themselves now , after Marco had been promoted . They made love as if it was the last night in their lives , and it very well could be . Tomorrow they would go to find a government military camp on the other side of the hill . Recognition , was the mission . Maybe sabotage if possible , but that would probably come later . It was a dangerous project . They held each other tight as they fell asleep . The next day they woke up , put on clothes and got out of the camp . No time for breakfast , they had to get over the hill before day break . They were in enemy territory . They had to find the army 's base of biological research , rumours said they were working on secret weapon . They started walking . Six in number , they moved slowly like animals . They had done this all their life , all the soldiers had been in the resistance for a long time . They knew if the enemy discovered them they would be dead . They went down the hillside . The hill was steep , the vegetation dense . They had to cut their way through . On the foot of the hill the ground was less overgrown , they could move more easily . The camp was no longer there . Tents were ripped to pieces and burned . Blood . Lots of blood , but no bodies . What had happened ? They dared to walk into the open area . There was no one there . Everything was left behind . Weapons . Gadgets . Everything but people . In the city Alejandro and Gabriela came out of the bar . Alejandro rocked and he knew it . Gabriela was the hottest girl in town . Gabriela was about to answer when a shadow came over them . They looked up . Something came swooping down , breaking down the walls , buildings falling into the streets . It picked up a man . Threw him into the wall of a big building . Then it started spitting fire . It was huge as a building . Four arms . Reptile tail . Demon wings carried it . Black evil eyes . Corre ! ! ! Run . Alejandro grabbed Gabriela 's arm . They ran down towards the cathedral , the thick walls would give them shelter . The monster got there before them , It crashed into the building . The wall fell . The tower fell . A line of fire burned everything that could be burned . Then it flew down towards them through the street . As fire floated , they got into a backstreet . The heat burned their skin , but they were still alive . A woman were calling on them from an open door . Venid ! Venid aquí ! Inside the flat the TV was on . The woman in the news said the monster was a weapon created to destroy the city . They were blaming the guerilla . Terrorist attack , they said . But how could a small group of soldiers in the jungle create something like this ? Pablo was confused , it didn 't make any sense . People were burned to death as the streets and the buildings were set on fire . Others were running around in terror . The army was set in , but neither bullets nor missiles seemed to have effect . The fire melted tanks , it 's arms tore buildings down . Soldiers were dying in hundreds . They moved over to the other side of the camp . There was a hole in the ground . They looked down . Dead bodies were hanging on spikes on the wall . Harvested . Skriiii ! ! ! A scream . A horrible scream was heard behind them . A creature was flying above them . A monster . Some kind of mix of dragon and demon , a spawn of hell . The beast opened it 's mouth , a hole in it 's face . Flames came out . Juan , Federico and Mica was burning . The screams stopped fast . Three carbonized bodies were lying on the ground . Lía crawled behind an missile launcher . Her leg was burned . An intense and strange cold pain . The monster turned it 's head towards the bushes where Marco and Juan were hiding . Spitting flames burned the bushes . Juan came out burnig . He ran some steps and fell dying . Marco had escaped the flames . He ran towards some big rocks . One of the monster 's hands crushed him in a pool of blood and gore . Nooooo ! ! ! Lía screamed . The monster turned towards her . Took a deep breath . She got up on the missile launcher . As the monster opened it 's mouth wide open she could see fire being born somewhere within . She pulled the trigger . The missile went straight into the flaming hell coming out of the monster 's mouth . It 's head exploded . A hell of fire , blood and brains unleashed over the ground and bushes . The monster fell to the ground . Lía was lying between flames , burned trees and gore . She was hurt , but got up on her feet . Looked to the pile of meat who once was the love of her life . She swallowed . Denied herself to cry for now and limped off into the jungle . She needed to get back to the camp . He was quantum physicist . He studied the smallest parts of the universe . Particles . Quarks and all that stuff . Complicated shit . He had been interested in physics all his life and quantum mechanics intrigued him like nothing else . Sometimes his scientific knowledge fell into conflict with his religious views . He then went to church . Meditated . Prayed . And he got back on the right track again . One day , he said to himself . One day the pieces will fit . He was working in one of the biggest laboratories in Science Are Us Corporation . He was in charge of a smaller section , and his crew , three of the finest scientists in the world , were doing their jobs perfectly . They were secretly working on a project on the possibility of multiple universes . That was were the key was . The key to the great answers . They seemed to be onto something big . If their calculations were right it could be one of the greatest breakthroughs in history of science . A peak hole through dimensions never before seen by man . Finally the sceptics would have to agree . Then they could start on the real subjects . Metaphysics . Eternal life . God . There would sooner or later be proof of the existence of God , he was sure of it . Let 's get started ! The rest of the crew was expected a bit later , but there was no reason to loose time . They got all the systems running and got to work . A creature appeared out of nothing . Or many creatures , he wasn 't sure . It seemed to keep changing form and colour . It was nowhere and everywhere . Present and non existent . Floating in the air and sticking to the walls like a nightmare of contradiction . Oh my God … said Roger , but he knew his God had nothing to do with this . This went deeper than anything he had ever dreamed of . This didn 't even make sense . A hand reached out towards him . A finger touched his shoulder . He felt a tingling sensation . His shoulder started dissolving into a bright light , as if his very matter turned into energy . The tingling feeling became electric . Plain old unbearable pain . As the light reached his chest he lost consciousness and died . The light kept spreading until his body disappeared into nothing . Everything he was died with him . All that remained was the reality he used to be a part of . Several workers had died of intoxication from the pesticide emission caused by the explosion . The hole area had for many years been considered a no go zone , because of the high level of toxicity . Now the danger seemed to be over , but the plants , the animals , everything was dead . Once green cultural landscapes and forests , the accident had left the place a toxic desert . The lake was a lifeless pool . They passed by the old industrial worker 's houses , up to the pesticide factory . The buildings where beautiful , with the characteristic aesthetics of old industry . They didn 't make factories that way anymore . Big windows and decorations . Red brick walls . They walked around the area for a while , taking photos . The factory had all the signs of having been evacuated in a hurry . Things were thrown around everywhere . The floor was full of rubbish , chairs and tables were tipped over . At the end of the hall they found the laboratory . There was a big hole in the wall were the pesticide tanks had exploded . Old file drawers . Broken measure bottles and laboratory stuff . There seemed to be some construction in progress the day of the accident , carpenters tools where lying around . She read out loud : " There have been some complications . When the X9 substance is mixed whit the common DEET , the insects seems to be strenghtned rather then weakened " . Further down it said : " The effect of the mixture seems to be even stronger on spiders " . Something moved in the shadows . Keep taking photos ! said Dale exited . They moved closer , carefully . They heard a sound behind them . They turned around . A giant spider jumped at them . It caught Mary . Pulled her through the door . She was screaming . Then there was silence . Mary ! shouted Dale . Mary ! ! ! He grabbed a pointed saw from the floor . Mary ! Where are you ? Dale … please , help me … She sounded weak . He moved into the other room . She was hanging on the wall , A sticky web was covering her body . He ran over to her , started cutting the web . It stuck to the saw like glue . Her face was pale . Her lips blue . Dale … Look out … Her voice could hardly be heard . The spider attacked him from behind . Dale fell over . Hurt his knee . The Spider charged at him . He held out the saw , cut it . It bit him . He could feel the poison enter his blood . Shooting pain went through his body . He cut the spider 's head again and again . It fell lifeless to the ground . Dale got up . Walked weakly over to where Mary was hanging , started cutting the web . He realized she was dead . He felt dizzy . He needed air . He staggered out of the opening in the wall . After a few steps he fell on the ground and died . Johnny hated Swedish people . They were disgusting . He wanted them all dead . Every day there were more of them in his neighborhood as well . He couldn 't stand it . Ever since a Swedish kid beat him up in kindergarten he 'd hated them all . They gave him bad dreams as well . Nightmares . Hordes of evil Swedish people doing him harm . But there was something else . Some creature in the darkness . At first it scared him . One night , in the worst dream he ever had , the creature came out and destroyed the evil Swedes . The dark being is my friend , he thought . It will protect me from them . After a while he started seeing it awake as well . He had come home from his favorite bar . A Swedish guy was working there now . Repulsively polite he had been . That was the worst kind . The polite ones . He was sitting there , staring at the wall . Hating . Hating the Swede in the bar . In his bar . His annoying smile , and that stupid language . Why couldn 't they just speak Norwegian like normal people ? Then , in his darkest moment the shadows started moving . At first he got scared , then he recognized the creature from his dreams . It was looking at him . It 's eyes told him not to worry . We 'll get the fucking Swede . We 'll get him good . From that day on the monster was there every night . He didn 't always see it , but he felt it 's presence . It was there , comforting him . It was them against the Swedes , and the more he hated , the stronger his protector seemed to become . One day he read in the newspaper that a Swedish guy was found dead in his neighborhood . Good , thought Johnny . Goooood . He kept reading . The Swedish guy had left Discopub . That was his pub ! It was the disgusting Swede from the bar ! His body ha been found somewhere by the river . Torn to pieces while he was still alive . Tortured to death . The feeling came back . The presence . He looked up . The creature were lying in front of him , looking at him . Calmly . Satisfied . Could it be … ? It 's eyes gave him the answer . It 's too late . The monster didn 't look friendly anymore . It looked evil . It crawled towards him . The shadows seemed to follow it . Johnny moved backwards . What are you doing . . ? Let me be ! He was trapped in a corner . The creature pushed him to the floor . Licked it 's dark lips . Hunger . Evil . Johnny screamed . Help ! Help me ! ! ! The monster put his big mouth to his head . Sucked on it . His screams could no longer be heard . Slowly it swallowed him alive . Rabe , Sink and Torkey stood in front of the huge metal door . The door was marked with symbols of an ancient civilization . Some symbolized death , the sculls and bones made that part easy to see . An other seemed to prohibit entrance . The third one was more diffuse , they had no idea what it meant . It was black and yellow , circle shaped with three triangles pointing into another smaller circle in the centre . Probably some kind of old religious symbol , said Rabe , archaeologist and leader of the expedition . Most likely a warning of some curse or something . Everyone knew curses didn 't work , there was no reason to worry . The door was securely locked , but Sink was an expert in explosives . The door went down . A dark tunnel lay open in front of them . They could smell a strange stench from inside . Naah ! Said Torkey . This tunnel obviously has been closed for thousand of years . If there is something here , it 's gems and noble metals . Don 't worry ! They just want to scare us off . They went deeper into the tunnel , and the smell got stronger . It smelled of humidity and something else . It was like an industrial , chemical kind of smell , yet different , unknown , with a touch of rotten meat . Sink stopped . I don 't like this smell , she said . It doesn 't smell healthy . She was holding her napkin in front of her mouth . She didn 't want to get sick . Rabe and Torkey kept moving down . They were several hundred meters under the ground now . The smell was unbearable , but they didn 't want to stop . There had to be something really valuable down here with all these warnings . They came to a great hall with a circle shaped hole in the centre of the floor . A waist high fence by the edge . They went over and looked into the hole . It seemed to have some strange glow deep , deep down under them . Hmm , said Rabe . He was a professional adventurer , and knew everything about climbing . This was complicated , and impossible with the equipment they had brought . Bummer . We won 't get any further until we bring advanced equipment . And we are deep into the northern jungles . This is as far as this mission gets . They stared into the hole . That strange glow … What was it ? It was greenish like emeralds . Maybe there was a huge pile of them down there . If they just could get them up . Torkey threw a stone into the hole to get an idea of how deep it was . It fell until it was out of sight . A sound . Like a scream . Or hundreds of screams . Rabe looked at Torkey . What the hell ? Is there something down there ? They looked over the edge . A the glow seemed to be getting stronger . Something is coming up ! Torkey took out his camera . This had to be documented ! Rabe backed away from the hole . I don 't like this , man … Let 's get out of here ! Wait ! Said Torkey I have to see what it is ! He stared down on the light . It seemed to be creatures . Hundreds of glowing creatures . Thousands even . He was taking photos . The creatures came closer . I better get out of here , he thought . He packed away his camera and took a last look . He could see them now , moving faster than anything he had ever seen . Some looked like hairless winged rats . Others resembled snakes with claws . Yet others had no form at all , just lumps of meat crawling up the walls . Huge fangs . Evil eyes . He didn 't run . He knew it was too late . Rabe stood at the entrance of the hall . Let 's go , he said . This is … He stopped speaking . He saw hundreds of flying creatures coming up from the hole . The first ones attacked Torkey . Tore him to pieces . Devoured him in seconds . Rabe turned to run . He got two steps before the monsters were over him . Digging into his back . Eating his arms and legs . Sink was worried . They were taking too long . She heard sounds from the opening . She looked into the tunnel , hopeful . She saw a light . The torches ! They were coming back ! The light got stronger . Greener . This was not their torches . The light started to scream . Horrible screams . Evil screams of pain . She stared at the creatures coming up the tunnel . Glowing , fire spitting cockroaches . Reptiles of death . Flesh eating meat . She backed away from the opening . The creatures came out from the hole . Pouring out . Up in the sky . Into the jungle . They were swarming . Everywhere . Even before the first bite she knew she would die . The creatures kept pouring out . There seemed to be no end to them . Mutants spawned in a radioactive hell for thousands of years waiting to be set free . They devoured everything and everyone in their way . The world ended in horror and pain . Mikkel and Mona had gone camping in the periurban park outside of their town . They sat down on a hill watching the stars . I 'm a bit cold , said Mona . I 'll go down to the tent to get my jacket . She left . An UFO ! He laughed at himself . He didn 't really believe in that kind of stuff . But the light got bigger . And bigger . He got to his feet . It was moving straight towards h … Plan ! It hit Mikkel hard . He fell over . His leg was broken . He had hurt his back , too . Pain . The UFO stopped . It hovered in the air . Two creatures came out . They were big , almost double his size . Tentacles . Inside the crystal bubbles on their heads he could see huge fangs . On their hands they had huge claws . They came towards him . Slowly . Threatening . The two creatures were Wikir and Drangal from a galaxy called X290 . They were adventurers , and had found earth in an old book about the the milky way , Not many Ragarboans had ever been here , and centuries had gone by since the last time . This was way off the beaten track . They where thrilled . They had been on a round trip already . Seen the pyramids , built under leadership of an ancient king from their home planet . Seen the Chinese wall , deserts , jungle and now they just arrived in Norway to see the fjords . That 's when they had hit this creature . Mikkel was lying on the ground watching the two monsters . They were frowning and growling . He was terrified . One of them turned away . The other picked up a big rock . Oh my god . They 're going to kill me . No , please , please don 't hurt me , he pledged , but he knew evil did not care about pleading . The monster punched the rock to his head . The first hit hurt . A lot . The other monster hissed viciously ( No , Wikir , it 's still alive ! It 's suffering ! You have to kill it fast ! ) The next punch he hardly felt . When the rock hit his head the third time he was already dead . Mona came out of the forest . She saw Mikkel lying in a pool of blood . His head were crushed with a rock . No . . Mikkel … No … No … No … What the hell has happened ! ? She sat down , knelt over him . Bottomless sadness could be heard in her sobbing far , far away . A new object were seen in the skies at night . It was oval - shaped . From earth it seemed to be of the size of the moon , but it was in reality closer and smaller . It had a reddish glow . Michael was of the first to see it . He and his girlfriend was camping . He was standing outside the tent pissing . Nothing like a leap after a good shag , he thought , when something suddenly appeared in the skies . Jessica ! Jess , get out here ! Jessica lazily moved over to the tent entrance . . What is it , baby ? Michael used to get exited of anything , so she didn 't really expect much . Then she saw it . A great , red glowing thing in the skies . Michael came closer , watching the object . What is it ? she said , astounded . I have no idea , said Michael . Do you think it might be … Aliens ? Ali was watching series on TV . A newsflash came up . A strange object in the skies . An unidentified orbiting object . He didn 't really believe it . Probably a scam , he thought . Or some new surveillance satellite from the Americans , as if they didn 't have enough with Google . It was crossing the Atlantic , they said . Moving towards Morocco . He went out to have a look . He saw the object over the horizon in the sea . It looked like a deformed moon . The red glow made trail in the ocean . It was beautiful . He took out his cellphone and called his friend Nabil . Have you seen the thing in the sky ? Nabil hadn 't , but he had heard the news . He said he 'd come over to have a look , from his place he couldn 't see anything . Nabil came , and they sat watching the thing . It was coming closer . Nabil had brought some chips and soda The TV was on . Another newsflash . In America there were a hole lot of attacks reported . Murders . The murderers seemed to have some kind of decease . Their flesh were rotting , and they seemed to be in trance or something . More reports . Several of the attackers had been identified as people who were already dead . As Jessica and Michael stood there naked watching the strange object disappear in the horizon a sound came from the bushes . What was that ? said Michael and went closer to have a look . A squirrel came leaping out and bit him . Ouch ! he yelled , and kicked it . The squirrel 's head came off and flew into a tree . Michael . . ? said Jessica . There were sounds everywhere . A moose came running towards them over the field . It was limping , one of it 's legs was missing . Get into the car ! screamed Michael . They ran to the car . The moose was half eaten on one side . What the fuck is going on ? ! ? The moose attacked the car . Michael got the car running and they got out of there as fast as they could . They drove away fast . There was a small village nearby , they wanted to go get some help . Driving into the village there were people in the street , blocking the way . They stopped , rolled down the window . We just been attacked by … Started MIchael scared and exited . The man bit his arm . Aaaah ! Michael panicked . He stepped on the accelerator and hit the crowd . People and body - parts where thrown around . Jessica were screaming in the passenger seat . They hit a light pole and the car stopped . One of the doors was broken and open . As their heads cleared they were surrounded by walking dead people pulling Michael out of the car . Jessica grabbed him , tried to help , but they were too many . They were biting him in the head , the neck , the throat . When he stopped screaming Jessica knew there was no escape . A war broke out on earth . A war between the living and the dead . The dead was winning , as they kept becoming more and more . Ali died the night they had seen the strange object for the first time . Nabil was still alive , but the dead were everywhere . He knew he would not last for long . We are the Graitharians ! We come from a galaxy far away . Surrender , and we will let you be our slaves . If you don 't , your dead will devour you all ! Mankind surrendered , there was no other way . The dead stopped walking . The Graitharians had taken over the world . The terror was over , but a dark future awaited . It was about half past six o ' clock and James came out of the movie theater disappointed . Shit movie . It was a film from the old days , a story about the war in 2020 . The war that ended all wars but killed 80 percent of the world population in the process . It was a long time ago now , but everyone knew the story . For many it was the only story they knew . The world was better now . Everyone were relatively good off , but at times mutants appeared . Some of them ate people . Radioactivity , they said . A part of humanity had changed . James came home and went into the kitchen , printed out his food and sat down to eat . He were looking out of the window . Outside a couple of dogs were playing . The alarm went off . Mutants . Again . He finished eating a bit faster than planned and went down to the shelter in the basement . The attacks used to be over quickly . Rarely anyone got killed . The mutants could be extremely aggressive , but not very smart , and usually handicapped . He sat in the basement until it was over , and went back up . He went into the living room , over to the hologram player . He was going to watch the news , find out what had happened . He heard a noise behind him and turned around . A mutant ! What the hell … The mutant was lacking legs and lying on the floor hissing in a pool of infectious liquid running from it 's corporal orifices . Ugly as fuck . At first James got a little scared , but he quickly realized this angry meat blob would not be able to harm him . It was moving far too slowly as it dragged itself toward him on the floor . Hehe , James thought . My own mutant ! This could be fun ! He knew it was strictly forbidden not to report the mutants in inhabited areas , but he didn 't care . He went out and found a rope , made a noose . He put the noose around the mutant with caution . The mutant hissed and struck at him , but he kept distance . Haha , stupid mutant , he said mockingly . What would he do with it ? No one could discover that it was there , so he pulled it down the stairs . For each step came gurgling noise from his nose and mouth , which seemed to be the same opening . James laughed . Stupid mutant . The mutant got angrier and angrier . Well down the stairs he tied the rope to a table . He sat down and watched the monster . What now ? Now that he had a private mutant , what would he do with it ? The mutant sputtered as the ugly beast it was . Haha , it would have liked to kill me for sure , thought James , amused . The doorbell rang . Who could it be ? James spat in the mutant 's face and began to walk up the stairs . He forgot the slime . He slipped . Fell down the stairs . Everything went black . James regained consciousness . He had injured his back . Couldn 't move . He heard a panting sputtering sound a bit beyond . The mutant fought across the floor . Dragged itself with it 's misshapen hands . It came closer . The rope tightened . The mutant got held back . James tried to get up , but he could only raise one arm . The mutant fought on , huffing and puffing , but he could not get any further . The bell rang again . James shouted . Help ! Help me ! ! Heeeeeelp ! ! ! Panic . The table overturned . The Mutant got James James ' legs . It trailed over him . It smelled horrible . James felt the slime through his clothes . Slowly the mutant was moving up towards his face . Finally it lay completely over him . James stopped shouting . He was scared stiff . The mutant bit his throat . Blood splattered . James died in terror and pain . |
Posted on March 24 , 2014 by Eric _ Tolladay I just spent a long weekend in Yosemite with family . Mostly it was lovely , but it was also work as my parents were wrapping up the sale of their B & B . We hauled away heavy stuff , went through boxes of papers and camping gear , and looked over a lot of old photos . My mother made a habit of keeping things we sent her , especially in our youth . Over the weekend she was kind enough to hand them back now that we 're adults . These were not always the happy things one normally associates with their parent 's keeping . For instance , mixed in with the first paid magazine article I wrote ( and immediately sent to her ) was a note from way back when I was a born - again that is filled to the brim with Christianese . This is a part of my past I am not always fully comfortable with , but curiously she kept a memento from then any way . But I bring this up because I think this is a great idea . Most parents keep mementos of their children . But even better , I think its a good idea to keep them , and then hand them back to your children when they are old enough to have children of their own . Certainly it better to receive these things from your parents hand , rather than after a funeral . That way you both have time to reflect over them , the good and the bad . One the way home I took this shot while driving south on Highway 41 near Fresno . You can see the hammerheads forming over the Sierras , which means its warm and moist in the valley . The clouds look small in the photo but each one of them is the size of a large town . These kinds of clouds are common in the Sumer , but not nearly so much in the early Spring . Also we saw yellow daffodils in bloom at my parent 's place , which is some 6200 feet in elevation . This time of year the Sierra 's are usually still packed with snow . This year I didn 't see any snow , not even in the shady parts of the road . And flowers this early , especially that high up , are very rare . Posted on March 15 , 2014 by Eric _ Tolladay Way back in 2003 I bought a little note book . On the cover I scribbled " Eric 's Book of Ideas . " It wasn 't my first notebook . I 've had several , most of which are stuffed filled of poems , songs , sketches , and whatnot . In a way , these notebooks work like crumbs to mark the trail of my emotional journey as I slowly worked out how to be a man and deal with the outsized set of emotions with which I was born . To say a lot of the writing is tedious and overwrought would be fair . They are . It is . Perhaps you had a better way getting to where you are , but I didn 't . In some ways I still don 't . But that being said , I hardly write poetry any more . I haven 't really since I met Teri . Its as if poetry was some strange language I spoke only when I was single , and when I settled down I somehow lost the ability . I find this idea fascinating , and wonder if you , dear reader , have also had a similar transformation . Have you ? I can assure you , mine was not intended , it just happened . Moreover , I am all the better for it . At least the marriage part . The poetry , I 'm not so sure . Even now , when I look back over it , I find my poems tedious and overwrought . I can 't imagine you would experience them differently . In any event , I mention this because I pulled out this particular notebook the other night , and read through it , cover to cover . Over the course of its use ( I 've since switched to using my iPhone , and thus do not write in notebooks anymore ) I went through a lot of changes . Trevor grew up . I grew into appreciating fatherhood . ( believe me , I wasn 't so sure at first , even though it was my own idea ) I took a screenwriting course at the local college , and I switched back to writing fiction . All of these transformations are marked in these pages . Not by the words directly , you 'd have to know the transformations were there to see them , but echoes of these changes are clearly imprinted in the words . As a diary of sorts , it makes for fun reading . Its good , I think , to be occasionally reminded from whence you came . But as a journal it is extremely lacking . There 's no direct connection to any part of the real world . With the exception of a single note , which remarks that Trevor turned 20 months old on that particular day , there is almost no connection to my day - to - day life . Its as if a drunk monk went over your life , randomly picking things important only to him , and somehow used this as the basis of your biography . But I did find , on this recent excavation , a few ideas worth mentioning here . One was a story idea called " I Know Americans " which I jotted down in 2003 . To my knowledge , this is the only story I 've thought of that takes place in an advertising agency . Considering I 've spent the better part of 24 years in one ad agency or another , I find the absence funny . This story I have already started , and hope to finish soon . No promises yet on when it will come out because I think it 'll be good enough to send out for publishing . You can be sure , though , that I 'll post here on its progress . Its a fun one , and I think my peeps who have had been stuck sweating with me in the advertising mines will appreciate its scope and ideas . The other thing from my notebook I find worthy of your attention is a poem . This one is a rare poem I wrote it in 2013 , well into my marriage . It is also less about my own emotional mess ( or my fears of being single forever , and ever , and ever , and ever ) and more about helping others . I guess marriage has been good for me . I 'll post it tomorrow . Look for it then . In the mean time , if you have something to share from your notebooks , or whatever method you use to measure your progress , feel free to share it here or on Facebook . I love to see how other people work out their shit . If for no other reason than to feel like I 'm not the only one . Posted on March 10 , 2014 by Eric _ Tolladay As promised here is a new story , one I started way back in February of last year . This one is neither sci - fi or fantasy , but pretty much straight - up fiction , and it features a teacher as a the protagonist , because I think teachers are awesome . Mind you , she 's not necessarily a " nice " teacher , but I think you 'll agree she 's a pretty good person , at least by the end . My working title for they story was Balance , but I never cottoned to that name much . I settled on The Sound of Pieces ( you 'll have to read the story to see why ) , but I 'm not sure if its any better . If you think you might have a better idea for a title , go ahead and post it . This story is just shy of 5900 words . Call it about 20 minutes of your time , depending on how fast you read . And every time I read it , it still makes me cry , although you might never guess where . I knew my day was gonna be bad when the coffee machine spit out hot water . Damn . In my usual morning fog I had forgotten to add the grounds . Worst still , I had wasted the last filter in the box . That 's when I found the bill . It was tucked into the corner , next to the liquor bottles covered in dust and cat hair . It was a doctor 's bill . $ 463 . 00 . From a surgeon I never heard of . Not a lot of money , but still more than we had . I steadied myself against the cupboard door , and practiced my deep breathing . Dust from the top of the refrigerator made grey lines in my pajamas . I did what my therapist Carly says will help ; I counted backwards from 100 , I envisioned Henry a better man , I looked hard for the bright side . None of these things made me feel smart or strong . They just make me mad . Just once I 'd like to not feel mad . Just once I 'd like to wake up and not wonder if today is the day I should divorce my husband . Is that too much to ask ? I was ten minutes late walking into the staff room . Some stupid lady in line at the coffee shop kept changing her order over and over , and when I finally got to the counter the only Americano available was hazelnut . I mean , who in the hell drinks hazelnut coffee ? And then running late to the meeting , I passed Billy in the hallway . " Hello Mrs . Caplestock . Good morning , good morning , good morning , " he said in his sing - songy voice . Like he does , each and every morning , without fail . I stopped to reply to him like I always do , " It 's Ms . Rodriquez , Billy , " I said , emphasizing the " Ms . " part strongly , like I was taught in school . " Ms . Rodriquez . Not Mrs . Caplestock . " " Oh , " he said , his face switching from a smile to a frown , like I had just kicked his favorite puppy . Then his smile suddenly came back . " Did I say good morning to you yet , Mrs . Rodriquez ? Good morning , good morning , good morning . " By the time I got to the staff room , the Ice Queen , which is what everyone calls Principal Mendoza , was going over the schedule . She gave me the stink eye as I crept into my seat near the back . A small piece of paper was sitting face down on the desk in front of my chair . As I turned it over I saw Hillary give Jennifer a significant glance . They were the other two forth grade teachers at Grace Boulevard Elementary , and from their conspiratorial smiles , I knew they had looked at the note already . " See me after Staff , " it read in a huge flowing script . It was signed " Theresa Condolez , Vice - Principal . " As if I needed help remembering her job title . Theresa was a large woman with large hair , large handwriting , and even larger feelings . She was always talking about her feelings and how everybody must feel . She also sucked up to the Ice Queen so hard that Hillary and Jennifer joked that they were connected nose to ass . The note was a bit of good news . It looks like someone had finally read my complaint . I smiled , knowing it would cause Hillary and Jennifer to wonder . It did . After the meeting , in which Mendoza described tardiness as unprofessional at least three times , I grabbed my things , and followed Theresa to her office . On the way out Hillary shot me a questioning glance , but I shook my head . I 'd see her at prep after third period . She could hold her curiosity until then . Trust Theresa to take something simple , and screw it up . " Not his walking , " I said . " Its when he pushes his trash can thingy . You know , the round one with all the cleaning stuff hanging off it ? That one . " " He makes too much noise . Rolling it down the hall after lunch . It disrupts the class . Makes the kids jumpy . I 've told you this before . " " Yes , " she said , looking up from the report . " Did you try closing the door , like I suggested ? " she asked with an innocent smile . " After all , that would solve the problem wouldn 't it ? " " Did you fix the air conditioner in my room ? " I asked with a similar smile . It was an old complaint . We were near the end of the hottest April on record , and my classroom had had no working AC since September . The only way to keep the room from getting so warm that the kids fell asleep was to open the outside windows and the door to the hall . Before I took this job at Grace Boulevard Elementary , there used to be a teacher here named Mrs . Caplestock . From the way everybody gushed about her , she must have been the best forth grade teacher in the entire universe . Ever . Somehow I got stuck with her classroom , and almost every day someone used her name in my hearing . " Mrs . Caplestock used to have the best library , " or " Did you look in the right hand drawer ? That 's where Mrs . Caplestock put them , " or " She used to sing so well . Can you sing like Mrs . Caplestock ? " Being compared to a woman long retired was galling enough , but when the retarded - sorry , mentally handicapped - janitor starting calling me by her name , it was too much . " So I 've been told , " I said trying to keep my tone pleasant . About a thousand times , I wanted to add , but didn 't . Here 's a hint . When you 're in your early thirties , being told you look like someone in their seventies is not a compliment . " Still , " Theresa continued , " I guess it must make you feel bad . Funny how he would make such a mistake . Mrs . Caplestock was so nice . " I squirmed in my seat . Talking about sexual stuff always make me feel like a little girl in a room full of adults . " Yes , um … " Theresa raised an eyebrow at my discomfort which just made me more mad . " Its not that he looks at me , it 's the way he looks at me . " " Yes but … " Oh I hated talking about this . " He looks at me like I 'm a woman woman . You know . Like , like he 's attracted to me . " " Yes , but … " I said . My mind was reeling , trying to describe the difference between an attractive man looking at you , and an unattractive one . Only it wasn 't that Billy was unattractive . Well he was , but that wasn 't the thing . When he looked at me , it was like he was leering at me . It was not a happy thing , it was a scary thing . There was a knock at the door , and Marlena , the school secretary , leaned her head inside flashing a stack of papers . Theresa waived her over , and that pretty much concluded the meeting . After being ignored for a few minutes , I got up and left . Still fuming I stopping by my box to see if there was anything important . There wasn 't . By the time I made it to my class I had only a few minutes before they let the kids in , and there was still a lot of work to do . Ten minutes later my official day began . I didn 't realize I 'd left my coffee in Theresa 's office until after the bell rang . Maybe , I said to myself while the kids filed in , she 'll take a sip , and we 'll discover she has an allergy to artificial hazelnut flavor or something . It was a reach , I know , but a girl can dream , can 't she ? That morning the kids were … well , they were kids . Meaning … . Look . Its a charter school in a bad part of town . It was a job that didn 't look too hard at my credentials , in exchange for a guaranteed one year contract . No pension , no medical , and no union . A choice between fifteen years of debt and fifty . In other words , no choice as all . So yeah , the kids were bad . What 's new ? We made it through the flag salute and reading without any major mishaps . Jon Carlos started wandering around the room during math but I was able to corral him , for a change , by sticking him with Evan Dramer - the only kid in class worse at math than he was . Usually those two competed to see who can be the worst at a subject . Today they decided to see who was the best . Thank heaven for small miracles . Billy was a favorite topic of ours . Since Hillary and Jennifer had taught here longer , they had better stories . Hilary called him the school 's pet , and Jennifer liked to make fun of the way he talked . You know , harmless fun . So I was surprised at their reaction when I told them both about my complaint . They glanced at each other then down at their plates . That scared me more than the frosty look I got from Mendoza this morning . When the two biggest gossips in the school take a sudden interest in their food , you know its not good . " Jon Carlos , " I said . They both stopped . " Everyone knows I have three more students than both of you , " I said hurriedly . " All I have to do is tell the Ice Queen I 'm not sure if I can handle the load , what with being in my first year and all , and I 'm sure I can get him transferred . " They both sat up straighter at this . " The only question is , which one of you deserves him more ? " Jennifer gave me a pained look , but waited until the general hubbub returned before making a sound . " The reason you were hired , " she said softly . " One of the reasons , at any rate , that you were picked over the other candidates … . And you know there were a lot of candidates for your position , right ? I don 't have to tell you … " " I suppose not , " I said with a sigh , very much wishing that my friends had been more forthcoming before I wrote the complaint . Or that I 'd been smart enough to tell them about it before I turned it in . Or that I hadn 't taken the job in the first place , or that I hadn 't married Henry to begin with … . Or , or , or . After lunch we were supposed to do health science , but with the hotter weather I had learned it took a good 30 minutes for the kids to settle down . So I had them pull out their library books and read . John Carlos took ten minutes and five reminders before he got out his book , but the rest of the class settled into the routine quietly , with only the occasional twitch or interruption . It was warm enough in the room that I had the doors and windows open fully , catching the faint cross breeze . Anything to get the kids to settle down . So of course this had to be the time that Billy took out the trash . Now my classroom sat at the far end of the hall . Just past my door was the small storage space that Billy 's used for an office , and just past that was a back door that lead to the rarely used end of the parking lot . You know , that place where they keep the large trash cans that no one ever goes near . I had been in Billy 's office before . Once . It was full of little knick - knacks , bottles , sticks , chewing gum wrappers , leaves , and small abandoned toys , each one placed carefully next to the other , and organized as if by a blind madman with exquisite taste in junk . The room had accreted so many objects over the years that if you turned quickly while sticking out an elbow , a dozen things were bound to fall . And , as I discovered the hard way , nothing made Billy more angry than knocking over his things . The room gave me nightmares after that . In between Billy 's door and mine was an old trophy case that was built into the wall . Why they would give trophies to this school was beyond me . The trophy case curved over the top of a rusty drinking fountain . The bottom of the case , dusty and filled with a display from the Eisenhower Era , hung low enough over the fountain that an adult had to duck their head to drink . That 's if the water fountain was working , which it often wasn 't . After one experimental taste , I had learned to always keep a supply of bottled water under my desk . It was from this back room that Billy started his rounds , cleaning the school as he rolled forwards . He was supposed to start after 2 : 15 when the students were let out , but he had discovered his own way of doing things and didn 't react well with change . This meant that every afternoon , right when I was trying to get the students to settle down , he would wheel his big trash can down the hall , squeaking and bumping as it went , and noisily dump the refuse from each class . It was precisely this noise that disrupted the student 's quiet time , making them giggle and squirm with every bump and squeak . Maybe it was me , but he seemed to spend more time on my end of the hall than the rest . More than once I caught him staring at me through the door while I was bent over a child 's desk attempting to help . It was not a good feeling . Today I decided I would be proactive . So when I first heard the squeak of the trash can rolling out his door , I drifted over to the hall door to close it . Just as I reached the handle I heard Billy 's voice from the hall asking , " Who 're you ? " This was unusual . Billy knew the name of every child in the school , and rarely spoke while working . Then his voice changed from question to anger . " You … . You go , you go , you go . Bad man , bad man , badman . " I grabbed the handle , and instinctively stopped . Through the angle of the opening I could just make out another man in the hall . The bright glare of the open back door made him appear as a dark silhouette . Billy was standing right close , his body in between me and the man . " Bad man , you go , you go , " he was saying . " My kids , you go , you go yougo . " He words started slurring together in as they increased in volume . Billy was still yelling , " My kids , my kids mykids , " when the shot went off . In the enclosed hall the sound bounced around massive and harsh . Suddenly the man went flying up against the wall . His head connecting with the top of the trophy case , while his body continued below until it struck the wall over the drinking fountain . When I had first started at Grace Boulevard Elementary , Jennifer had innocently suggested I ask Billy how many items were in the " lost and found " box they keep in the front office . Everyone said Billy was incredible at finding things . Even Hillary remarked on this . So of course , I asked . When I didn 't respond , he took my arm and walked me into my room . Grabbing a pencil he held it up . " No pieces , " he said , and then with quick motion he snapped the pencil in two . Snap . " Pieces , " he said holding the two ends up . Then he gently pressed the two halves together again saying , " No pieces " . I let out a small squeak , which echoed in the silence of the hall . Billy 's head slowly turned from the man towards me , his eyes round and open in alarm . He took one look at me and the effect was like a slap to his face . Somehow the back door had closed , so the only light that fell into the back hall came from a small hole in the ceiling . From it I could just make out a strange man laying half under the trophy case . His upper body was twisted , motionless , but his heels drummed into the ground like a morse code operator on crack . Back in August when we had practice these plans over and over in the hot sun , I thought Mendoza was a sadistic fascist . Now I clung to them like a life - line . Funny how rapidly one can change their opinion . " Jon Carlos , " I yelled . The boy jumped from his seat like he 'd be shocked out of it with a buzzer . " Close every window , starting on that end , " I said pointing to the back side of the school . I turned to the rest of the class . " Everyone else , line up quietly at the back of the room , and sit in place . No backpacks , no coats . Nothing . If you make a noise it might be your last , so zip it people . We need to do this right . " I reached for the phone on my desk while the kids were a blur of terrified silence . I dialed the office . Marlena answered on the second ring . " Marlena this is Ms . Rodriquez in room sixteen . We have a condition three . " There was a gasp , and I head the phone drop . Just about the time I thought I would have to send someone down there , the school alarm went off . Seconds later Marlena could be heard over the intercom . " Condition three , Full lock down , " she repeated over and over . It sounded odd coming over the phone and the intercom at the same time . I dropped the phone and ran to the back door , making sure all of the kids were down low . Then we sat that way and waited . It was the longest hour of my life . Eventually the cops arrived in all their riot gear , looking like extras from a war movie . They quietly hustled us out of the room , and down to the staging area . Because we were the farthest room out , we were the last to be escorted in . By the time we arrived , the parents were already there and the front of the school was a total madhouse . The parents were laughing and crying . The kids were mostly crying and not understanding the fuss . Helicopters circled overhead , and about a million cops roamed all over the school . Another cop , this one much older , looked over as we approached . He had grey hair , a fuzzy beard , and a wrinkled suit . He squinted at me funny . " You 're the one who called it in ? Room 16 ? " he said checking against a list . A radio came up to his face as if by magic . " Hold one " he said , holding up a finger , then he turned away to speak into the radio . After a few seconds he turned back and said , " We 're going to want to know everything you saw . " Well , I thought to myself , there goes my diner plans . For the first time I realized just how scary the situation had been . Then quite unexpectedly my knees gave way as if someone had removed my leg bones . I woke up looking into the older cop 's face . Concern mixed with anxiety crossed his features . Glancing around , I realized I was laying on the cot in the nurses office . From those two pieces of data I put together what had happened . I nodded , while I looked around . Stars were floating around my vision in the upper corners . It was beautiful in an abstract way , like the way the wood grain on a coffin can be beautiful . This time he looked more annoyed . " I wasn 't , " he said . Then pity or something must have taken over his mouth . " He 's holed up near your class . Some kind of store room at the end . " I was up and running before I knew it . I could hear the cop yelling at me but I ignored him . Then I heard him behind me yelling into his radio . By the time I got to my room his voice was echoing loudly in the hall from a dozen different sources . " Hold your fire . A civilian 's coming . Hold your fire . " I didn 't really notice much until I reached the end . The guy who Billy had killed - for he most certainly had killed him - was now covered in a sheet . Cops in battle gear had seemed to be randomly standing all over the hall , but at the end they converged in a semi - circle around Billy 's office . Their guns were drawn , pointing at the closed door . The sound was like nothing I 'd ever heard before . Cops were shouting at the door , other cops were yelling at me , there were radios blaring , and sirens and helicopters outside . And over all of it I could hear a faint , " I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry I 'm sorry , " over and over . " Did you go in there ? " I asked . No one responded so I asked louder , " Did anyone go in this room ? " I said pointing . A few heads shook . I thought about Mrs . Caplestock , and what she would sound like . " Billy , " I called in a softer voice . A voice of someone who cares . Who 's nice . The cop started in with , " What are you trying to do … " so I shushed him . " Be quiet , " I whispered . " He 's … . He 's … . He 's mentally handicapped . You 'll scare him . " " Yes honey , I 'm out here . But … " I stopped thinking furiously . If he came out with all these cops … " You need to stay still for a second , Billy . Can you do that for me ? Please ? " " Billy , " I said quickly . " Its okay . These are good policemen . They 're not going to hurt you . They 're going to help you . Do you understand me Billy ? " The door opened slowly , and Billy shuffled out into the hall . The cops pointed their guns at him , and he shrank back . Over the noise of his feet shuffling and the squeak of leather , you could hear him whispering softly , " don 't be afraid , don 't be afraid , don 't be afraid . " I didn 't know if his words were for himself , or the cops , but either way , they seemed to work . The cops lowered their guns , and Billy stepped out of the doorway . He walked a few steps to me , and then suddenly he was hugging me fiercely . Crushingly . I didn 't know how to answer him . Why was I there . I hated this man . He had cost me my job today . Well to be fair , I had cost me my job , but I had no reason to love him , and I certainly had no reason to love Mrs . Capelstock . Posted on March 9 , 2014 by Eric _ Tolladay I 've been organizing my writing files lately and came to discover I have as least 20 stories worth talking about . That is stories that are completed . Many need some kind of editing or another , which is cool because that is something else I 'm learning , but most of them are in pretty good shape . Not all of them are commercial , at least for me right now . ( Selling stories usually requires they be shorter than 5k words , which is about 15 minutes of reading , or 12 - 15 pages of text , depending upon the font used and / or the line spacing . ) But the good news for you , dear reader , is that the vast majority of them are due for an upload . That is to say , they will end up posted here on my blog . What does that mean for you , dear reader ? Well my goal is once a month to put up a new story that you get to read for free . Free . FREE ! Pretty cool , eh ? See , in the past I was pretty haphazard about my stories . Writing them , and then letting them languish , forlorn and forgotten on my computer . Well that 's not going to happen any more . Now , whenever I have free time ( that is , time not devoted to writing a new story or novel ) I 'll go down my list , editing as I can , and clean up the stories to make them more presentable . Then I can either put them in the queue for posting here , or send them out to see if I can find a home for them in the big bad outside world of publishing . Recently I 've discovered that I need a few weeks to months away from a story after writing it , so I can have enough space from it to see if I need to do some major reconstruction work . Its a bit like when you first start dating someone you like , and you find you simply cannot have an objective opinion about them . You 're too excited in their company to question whether you should be or not . Well stories are like that for me . I love them . I have to or I would kill the damn things because they can truly be a pain to write . But once they 're completed , and I 've had enough time from them to have some objectivity , I find its easier to go back and look at them with fresh eyes . Another thing I 've done is join up with a writer 's workshop called Critters Writers Workshop . They have a pretty nifty set - up where writer can both submit stories , and critiques stories . The cool thing is you have to earn your right to be critiqued , by critiquing others . I don 't know how this is going to go . I just wrote my first critique today , and won 't expect the story I submitted to be critiqued until somewhere between the 19th and the 26th of March , but it looks to be fun . My goal is primarily to learn to be more critical of my own stories , by seeing where other 's make mistakes . Properly , this is a type of editing , and If I want to get better , I need to learn it . So there . I 'm doing me some learning . And you get some free stories . That 's a win , win , all the way around ! Good question , you . What this means is I expect I 'll have a story to post within the week , so keep your eyes pealed . And I now have a list so I have a pretty good idea what I 'll put up next . So if you haven 't already , or if you only see my posts on FaceBook ( which automatically mirrors posts from this blog ) , you might consider signing up using the link in the right hand column that says Yes , that what it says . That way you 'll get an email with a nice easy link with every post , and never miss a story as it makes it painful way down the FB notification page . And that would be bad . Yes , terrible . Missing free stories - ones that have been hand - crafted for a fine yield , and hand - packed to they don 't bruise or bend - well that would practically be a crime , now wouldn 't it ? And we can 't have that , can we ? I mean , you 're too young to start a life of crime aren 't you ? Unless you my mother , and in that case you 're too old to start a life of crime . So sign up now and skip that life of crime . |
Here it is the last day of August . Where did the time go ? What happened to summer ? Why didn 't I get to take lots of trips to the shore ? Where are my cookouts ? Summer , why are you leaving me so quickly ? Even though technically summer lasts until September 21st or so I always feel that August 31st is the end . OK , call me strange , but that 's me . September is always a fall month to me . So even though I really got married in the summer ( 9 / 16 ) I always say I had a fall wedding . The only thing that helps me along with this time of year when the days start getting shorter and the air starts getting cooler is that I LOVE fall . I love the colors , the smells , the tastes . I feel invigorated . I love tramping through fallen leaves . I love pumpkins , apples , squash . Well , the list could go on and on . And so on that note I have decided to do a fall giveaway . Look at what I have for you . . . . There is a cute wooden pumpkin , an apple cider candle , an autumn leaf potholder and a journal where you can write down your favorite recipes , make lists , journal , whatever your little heart desires . All this by just commenting on this post and telling me you 'd like to enter . If you are the lucky winner , I will contact you for your address and send the prize off to you . You have until midnight on Monday , so be sure to enter . Tuesday morning I will randomly choose a winner . Good luck ! In other news , I saw my oncologist yesterday and I am doing really well . Blood looks good . I will be getting off the cancer medicine in six weeks - - for good ! And I will be seeing him much less - - probably every six months instead of every three months . Such good news ! A STOLEN LIFE : A MEMOIR by Jaycee Dugard ( 2011 ) About the book : In the summer of 1991 I was a normal kid . I did normal things . I had friends and a mother who loved me . I was just like you . Until the day my life was stolen . For eighteen years I was a prisoner . I was an object for someone to use and abuse . For eighteen years I was not allowed to speak my own name . I became a mother and was forced to be a sister . For eighteen years I survived an impossible situation . On August 26 , 2009 , I took my name back . My name is Jaycee Lee Dugard . I don 't think of myself as a victim . I survived . A Stolen Life is my story - - in my own words , in my own way , exactly as I remember it . My thoughts : What a book ! I cannot say enough good about this . I was hesitant to read it because I thought it would be sad , depressing , victimizing . It is not at all . This is a story of strength . It is a story of surviving the worst possible things that life can hand you . It is inspirational . So glad I read it . But the story stayed with me for days and days . I could not get it out of my head . Still can 't some days although I think of it less often . Imagine having your whole life stolen by a madman . I 'm so glad her life has had the ending thus far that it has . Despite this I highly recommend you read this book . I took today off from work in order to take Joe to see a new neurologist . This is a doctor that he saw at the Veteran 's Hospital and who did a great deal of good for him . I have never seen a doctor give him such a thorough examination . Every question he could think of , he asked . Did all kinds of tests on him . And has ordered diagnostic tests that haven 't been done in over 10 years . I like him and think he is going to do Joe a lot of good . Wouldn 't it be wonderful if he could get his seizures down to a manageable level ? This new doctor is at Holy Redeemer Hospital . It is a huge place with lots of buildings . We got so lost . I guess after we 've been going there awhile we will get used to it . The hospital is also near the cemetery where Joe 's mom and twin brother , John , are buried . So while we were up that way , we stopped . I always let Joe have time alone and I wander around . The grounds are beautiful . Joe and I have a plot right near his brother and mother ( who are across from each other ) . When I looked at our plot someone had left a cross on it . Strange , but nice . After we left the cemetery we went to lunch at the Country Club and then came home . We were both so tired we took naps . I didn 't mean to , but I ended up sleeping the whole afternoon ( about four hours ) . I made lemon chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner . It came out good . I made a peach cake for dessert out of my new cookbook . Yum . It tastes a lot like my grandmother 's steamed pudding that she used to make . I thought I 'd post it for anyone who wanted to try it . It 's easy to make . PEACH LONG CAKE ( makes 10 servings ) 4 cups peaches , sliced ( I used a large can of sliced peaches ) 1 / 2 cup sugarDough : 2 cups flour4 tsp baking powder6 tbsp sugar3 / 4 tsp salt1 / 3 cup shortening ( I used margarine ) 1 large egg , beaten2 / 3 cup milk1 . Sprinkle sugar over sliced peaches . Set aside . 2 . Sift flour . Add baking powder , sugar , and salt . Cut in shortening . Add egg and milk and stir until moistened . Spread dough into a well - greased 9 " x13 " pan . Arrange peach slices over dough . Topping : 1 / 4 Posted by Today I finished up all the reports I had to submit for Harvest America and I feel as if a weight has been taken off of my shoulders . What a relief that it is all over and the follow up letters have been sent out . The only thing I have left to do is have one of my phone committee call the two adults who came forward and talk with them sometime in the next two weeks . I woke up late this morning . I wonder why . I was a little late for work . But everything worked out . I was feeling pretty good and it wasn 't busy when we first opened so I got most of my shelving done and was able to straighten up three bookcases before my back and legs gave out . That 's the most I 've been able to do in a couple of weeks . Of course the two hours I was on the front desk were very busy and I didn 't get to sit down at all . The pain has been pretty bad ever since . I forgot to take anything out of the freezer for dinner . So while trying to figure out what to do I came across an unused gift card for Boston Market . Our friends Walt and Carole had given it to us last Christmas . So Joe said that was where we were going . Thank you Walt and Carole for our free dinner tonight . It was good . I haven 't been feeling good tonight , though . I fell asleep while watching TV and Joe has gone to bed without me . I am very tired so I think I am going to join him . Good night . Posted by Tonight was the big night I 've been working so hard for . It was the nationwide broadcast of Harvest America . There were over 2000 sites nationwide that broadcast a live streaming of Pastor Greg Laurie 's Harvest Crusade from Anaheim , CA . Can you imagine about 5 million people were simultaneously watching this broadcast in every state in the nation ? It just boggles the mind . I was the Event Coordinator for the church I attend . This means that for months I have been promoting it , making sure deadlines for certain things were met , producing prayer lists each week , attending webinars ( seminars on the web ) and a million other little things . Lots of prayer went into this event from everyone in the congregation . I picked up my girlfriend and her husband to go with Joe and me . We didn 't get there as early as I would have liked , but we were in plenty of time . I was a little disappointed because there were just a few people there . Here is Dottie who acted as our greeter . But as time went on more and more people came . By the time the message started there were 23 people there . The music was fantastic . It was the Harvest Worship Band , Jeremy Camp and Mercy Me . And Pastor Greg 's message was right on target . At the end when the invitation was given 4 people went forward . It was worth everything I went through for that . Now I 'm very tired . I am starting to wind down , but there are some things that still need to be done . Some reports to send in to Harvest this week and I will be done . Then on to the next thing . I guess that will be the Tuesday morning Bible study Joe and I teach . I am so thankful to God for His goodness and protection during this time and for the four people who went forward . Posted by It 's been a long time since I gave you any garden pictures . That 's because this summer has been awful - - too hot and dry - - and my plants have not done well at all . Our lawn guy , Frank , came over today and cut the grass for us . He is coming back on Friday to do the weeding . I am just too banged up to do it right now . My herbs are gone . They all died except for the chives . I am going to have to start all over again next year . But some of my flowers survived . Pink rose . Yes , I still have roses . My miniature rose bush . Remember it from earlier in the year ? It 's still going strong . The old - fashioned red rose . The impatiens I bought at the library . It 's the only thing that did well . I got only about 10 cherry tomatoes all summer long . They were good , but I was looking forward to some big tomatoes . My poor plants just dried all up . But I have one tomato starting up . There 's still a lot to do , but the yard looks so much better than it did this morning . Queen Elizabeth II had her annus horrendous and I have had a septimana horrendous ( horrible week ) . All week if it could go wrong , it did . And today was no exception . Today I was running late for work . I put on my knee brace , but not the back one . The water department and the gas department have been digging up a lot of the streets in my neighborhood and the one in which I work . Every street I tried to turn down was blocked off and torn up . My usual 10 minute drive took me over 25 minutes . When I got out of the car I hurried up the marble steps into the building . But my brace would not lift high enough and I tripped and fell flat on my face . I pulled my shoulder , my back , and banged up my good knee . It is terribly swollen , hurts horribly and is starting to turn black and blue . I can hardly walk between the two knees . I ended up going home at lunch time and removing the brace . I put on an ace bandage and it was much better . Diane and Marquita were off today , so we were very shorthanded . Bob and I had to get on every other hour . It was rough . Especially not feeling well . I made a great dinner tonight - - salmon cooked with lemons and oranges , zucchini and sliced tomatoes . However , I was putting ice on my leg and I burned the zucchini . The fish was raw in the middle , so I put it back in the oven . It came out perfect . And then I dropped it on the floor . I just can 't seem to win . This Sunday the church I attend is hosting the Harvest America Crusade with Pastor Greg Laurie . I am the Event Coordinator . It is my job to make sure all the various things come together - - the greeters , ushers , music , follow - up team , literature , technology , site , etc . I have been working very hard for several months on this . Not for me , but for God 's glory and to see people come to Christ . The closer I get to the day , the more things are happening to me . I told my pastor that I feel as if I am being attacked . So if you are a praying person , please be praying for me . And for the event . I am excited about it and will tell you all about it on Sunday nKathy This morning Joe and I went to see the orthopedic specialist . I was expecting to wait a long time , but got in rather quickly . We waited awhile in the exam room , but not too long . The doctor came in , asked me some questions , examined me , said , " wait here " and walked out of the room . That was the last we saw of him . He said I have arthritis in my right knee and there was some problem with my back , but he didn 't say what the problem was . We waited a few more minutes and a nurse came in . She gave me a prescription to get an x - ray of both knees , an MRI of my back and knees and a 6 week course at physical therapy . She also handed me two prescriptions for a knee brace and a back brace and told me to go to another office to get those . At the second place we waited and waited and WAITED . Over an hour we waited . Then the doctor came out , called me in , looked at the prescriptions , measured me , and went to another room and got the braces . Let me tell you , this is not going to work out . The knee brace was great . The minute I put it on , the pain started going away . The back brace , however , was not good . First of all , the brace was up here - - and my pain was down here __ . Secondly , it was really tight around my stomach where I had surgery a couple of years ago . Almost right away I started getting really bad pains in my stomach where the incisions were and felt like I was going to throw up and I couldn 't breathe . When the brace was loosened to where it was bearable , it was totally useless . I couldn 't sit down in it and had to take it off in order to drive home . There was no way I could go to work in it , so I just used the knee brace . I was two hours late getting to work . At first I was doing really good with the brace , but as the day wore on , my knee started swelling so the brace got tighter and tighter . Then the pain started again and it was worse than before I put the brace on . When I got home it took both me and Joe pulling on it to get it off of me because my leg had swollen up that much . The metal part had dug into my skin . Kathy SO much better today . It was more of a normal day at work . Less people , less fines , less cards . Whew ! And feeling less sick - - more like myself . Thanks everyone for your good wishes and prayers . They are very much appreciated . It always amazes me that people I have never met care that much about me . Blogging really does bring you good friends . Hey , just heard about Boston Market removing the salt shakers from the tables at their restaurants . You have to go to the beverage station to get any salt . Hooray for them . I hate it when I make a good meal and then without even tasting the food people grab the salt shaker and shake away . I like salt as much as anyone , but try the food first , folks . Went food shopping after work today . It 's my least favorite thing to do because it always takes me so long . But I love getting bargains and I sure did today . I got chicken legs and thighs on sale . I cut them apart and put them in storage bags . So for $ 3 I got three meals . Cool ! The same with the pork chops . I thought $ 12 ! But when I separated it out I got three meals so $ 4 a meal isn 't bad . All of the great blogs I 've been reading have really inspired me . I am going to start buying the fresh veggies while they are on sale and freeze them . Then when winter comes I will have some of the summer to enjoy . Let 's see if I can follow through with my good intentions . Tomorrow morning I go to see the orthopedic specialist . I am more than a little nervous about it . I am hoping that the doctor will examine me , know exactly what to do to help me , and in a few weeks I will be back to my old self . I am not liking my new self with all the pain I am experiencing . But I am not complaining because so many people are so much worse off than I am . At least I am still walking even if I do have a lot of pain doing so . Joe went to Prayer Group at church tonight . I drove him over there , but didn 't stay because I wanted to go home and put my leg up . When he is done , he will call me and I will go pick him up . Church is only 4 minutes from home , so it isn 't bad Kathy What a difference a day makes . I am not 100 % but much , much better than yesterday . A bowl of chicken soup and a good night 's sleep does wonders . Today was another wild day at work . We usually do around 8 new cards a day . Today we have done 35 . Yes , 35 ! Lots of people . Lots of problems . Lots of work . Job security , folks . I was in a sort of grouchy mood when I got to work . Ever have one of those days ? I was grumbling at everyone . But as the day wore on I felt better . I just keep thinking of all the good stuff coming up for me . Joe and I think we have finally decided what to do for our anniversary this year . Last year we spent so much money going to Williamsburg that this year is going to be very low key . We are going to save up some money for the next couple of years and then take a big trip again . We want to go to either Canada , Charleston , or Mystic and any of the three is going to cost us . So a couple of years not doing much will make the next trip all that more enjoyable . What are we doing for our anniversary ? Well , I 'm not going to jinx it and tell you . But it does involve a nice dinner . I ran home at dinner time and on the way back I passed Campbell Park . It 's 3 acres in the middle of Port Richmond and really pretty . There were a lot of people out . Some were sitting on benches reading . Some were at the picnic tables eating . Kids were riding their bikes and roller skating . It was such a nice scene . I wish I could have pulled over and taken a picture of it . I considered doing just that , but I was in heavy traffic and I was afraid I would be late getting back if I did . I 've been looking for a picture on Google that would show something like what I saw , but I haven 't been successful . You will just have to imagine it . Joe bought me dinner tonight . He had a California Wrap and I had a Gyro . Yum ! I didn 't complain ( much ) about not cooking . I 've got to get off of here and get some things done before bedtime . Early day at work tomorrow . I can only hope things calm down sometime this week . Posted by Monday is always a hard day . Today was especially so . I woke up feeling sick . As I started to get ready for work I felt sicker and sicker . I told Joe I was going to stay home from work and got onto the computer to look at my email . As I was sitting there , I started to feel better . So I decided to go into work late . Wrong idea ! By the time I got to work I was feeling like my breakfast was going to come right up on my desk . However , two people were off today so in order for us to have enough people to open , I had to stay . At noon time the other Library Assistant and the Librarian went to lunch . I was the only one there . I was still feeling sick and ended up having long lines both sides of the desk . Everyone wanted a new card , wanted to find a book , want to check out LOTS of stuff , and the phone was ringing off the hook . There were books from the book drop to check in , a delivery to route in and here was little me with no help . Somehow I made it through . At 2 : 00 p . m . our part - timer came in . I wanted to leave , but it was so busy three of us were on the desk . I finally got out of there at 3 : 30 p . m . The pains in my stomach were so bad I thought I wouldn 't make it home , but I did . So that 's where I am now . I hate using time at work , but what was I going to do ? Sorry this is such a downer of a post . I 'm feeling better , but still sick . At least tomorrow is my late day so I don 't go in until 11 : 30 a . m . Hopefully by then I will be better . Posted by This has been such a strange and disjointed week for me . It seems as if I 'm missing days . And I haven 't even blogged the way I usually do . So I decided I needed a post to get myself and everyone else back on track . First of all , the safe at work is now safe . Jerry came into work the next day , got the key out of his desk ( he knew where it was , no one else did ) and within 15 minutes had fixed the lock . He then yelled at me because I had called for help the day before . Some days I can 't do anything right for him . Work was very busy and very hard this week . Every day my back and leg hurts more and more which makes it difficult to work . I am so glad to be seeing a doctor on Thursday morning . I did get a lot of cleaning up around work done this week though . So much more to do , but it 's a start . And a big one at that . Now if I could only do the same at home . How come it 's always harder to clean up your house than your office ? We 're still struggling with the smoke alarm problem at work . We had some maintenance people in yesterday , so hopefully everything is OK now . Last night Carole , Walt , Joe and I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner . Joe got the fish fry but he was a little disappointed because he thought there would be more fish in it than there was . I got the hamburger and it was so large that I couldn 't finish it . It was huge . And very good . I saw a top in their store that I wanted , but didn 't have the money to get it right now . Hopefully it will be on the clearance rack next month and I will get it then . This morning I went to Mane Connection and got my hair trimmed . The girl I see , Jamie , is so good . I told her I wanted it a little bit longer for winter and she said she knew just what to do . She did . It looks great . Plus I got my eyebrows waxed . Looking good . I 'm feeling so bad in other ways I thought I would treat myself in this way . Everyone needs a pick - me - up now and then . We went to the farm this morning too . We haven 't been there all summer what with one thing and another . It was so good to go and see all the fruit aKathy This morning I went to see the doctor before I went to work . He was very happy with the report from the cardiologist . But very concerned with my back and leg problem . He thinks I may have a herniated or ruptured disk in my spine . He has given me a referral to the Muscle , Bone and Joint Clinic to see what is going on . They are supposedly one of the best places in Philly to go for orthopedic doctors . I went there many years ago when I first had the car accident that started all my back problems . So let 's see what they say this time . He also gave me stronger pain medication which seems to be helping to take the edge off of it . I got out of the doctor 's office in time to make it to work before we opened . It was a slow day which was good for me . I got some more cleaning up done in the workroom . It 's starting to look very good . My main question is : why are we keeping route slips that are completely used up ? I mean , if all the spaces are full and you can 't use them anymore , why are they thrown in a pile to be used again ? I threw out so much stuff . I know it 's not me keeping them . I have to have a little meeting with my staff . I was on the front desk at the 5 : 00 p . m . hour , Bob was shelving and Sheila , Diane and Marquita were at lunch . It was quiet . There were a few people milling around , but it was slow enough that I was able to sit there and read my book . Suddenly , the fire alarm went off . Lights ! Sirens ! ! Phones ringing because it automatically calls the security alarm company ! ! ! Fire trucks rolling up to the front door ! ! ! ! We had to get all the people out without them taking any library material with them . People were mad that they had to leave . People outside were mad that they couldn 't come in . I got my staff to leave and Jerry , Sheila and I being the management team stayed inside to try to find out what set it off . It turns out that the toilet in the men 's room overflowed . The water ran through the floor into the smoke detector below it and set it off . The smoke detector set off the fire alarm . And so it went . We hadKathy It wasn 't so busy at work today which was quite a relief . I was able to take it easy some and catch up on some work that has been sitting on my desk for several days . We also found out that our rugs are going to be cleaned on September 10th so everything has to be picked up off of the floor . I am enlisting my staff to help with that one . Bob and I got one box of labels emptied and shelved today . One down and 5 , 000 , 000 more to go . Ha , ha ! After work I had a dentist appointment to have the last of my scaling done . It doesn 't hurt , but I still hate getting those needles and being numb for four hours . I can 't eat until 9 p . m . when I go after work . But that is the only time I have to do it . I made an appointment for Joe for next week to start his scaling . We will have dazzling smiles when we are done . Tomorrow I go to the doctor and I am so glad . Every day my leg hurts more and more . I hope he can send me to an orthopedic doctor who can help me . I 've always said that I didn 't want the nerve in my leg destroyed because then I wouldn 't be able to feel anything . It would constantly be numb . Now the pain is so bad that I would even do that . Well , I am not going to second guess anything . We 'll see what happens . I found this cartoon on the internet and thought I would end with this tonight . I would want chocolate too . Good night , folks ! Posted by I didn 't want you to think I fell off of the face of the earth . It 's just been a not - so - good week . But I 'm still here and still fighting on . On Sunday Joe made it to church for the first time in 5 weeks . It was his turn to lead the prayer and read the scripture . He had a hard time getting to the front of the church . His hands were shaking pretty hard and he lost his place several times . I felt bad for him and proud of him at the same time . He 's a real trooper . I can 't wait till he sees this new neurologist on August 29 . I had to work overtime on Sunday afternoon . It turned out to be a pretty easy day and I can sure use the extra money . Bills , bills and more bills keep arriving in my mailbox . Can anyone else relate to that ? My right leg and lower back are bothering me a great deal . I 'm having a lot of pain and finding it hard to stand and walk . But I 'm heading to work every day and finding ways to work around it . I see the doctor on Thursday morning for a follow - up on my heart condition which seems to be under control for now . I guess my leg is the next thing to tackle . This new doctor is going to be sick of seeing me . Yesterday when I came into work my staff came to greet me with the news that the safe was broken . It was open , but couldn 't be closed . We called Buildings and they sent a couple of guys out , but they couldn 't fix it . We need a key to get into a part of the lock to reset it . We don 't know where the key is . Sheila and I searched the whole building . No luck . Jerry was on vacation . I have an emergency number for him , called it and left a message , but he never called back . So we don 't know if he has the key with him or has put it somewhere , or if it is just lost . Fortunately we have another place to lock up the money , but it looks like we are going to need a new safe . This should be fun . So , folks , that has been my week so far . I 'm almost afraid to see what today is going to bring . Posted by Today I made a return trip to Lancaster County with my pastor , Justin , his wife , Cherie , and my friend Donna . Joe wanted to go with us , but had three seizures this morning . ( He just had another one a couple of minutes ago . This has got to end ! ) I had promised the three of them to take them to the Mennonite Information Center and Biblical Tabernacle Reproduction . This is the 8th time I have been there . Last time was a couple of years ago when Joe 's son and daughter - in - law were visiting from Tennessee . I was talking with one of the women who work there and told them I keep bringing different people to see the tabernacle because I was so impressed with it . She gave me a life - time pass so that I never have to pay an entrance fee again . Wasn 't that nice ? So this was the first time I used it and wasn 't sure how it worked . I handed it in and the lady gave me a white ticket and handed the pass back to me . I paid for Pastor Justin , Cherie and Donna . The tabernacle is an exact reproduction of the tabernacle that the Israelites carried around in the wilderness from the book of Exodus . It is fascinating and all three of my guests were impressed and loved it . We were not allowed to take pictures of the tabernacle itself , but here is the websiteWe could , however , take pictures of the outside courtyard . This shows a sacrifice of animals by the priests . There were a lot of people there today including a couple busloads of tourists . Coming out of the exhibit area a group asked us to take their picture in front of the mural of the Israelite camp . We did and then had one of the ladies take our picture . Next we went to get gas and then I took them to Bird - in - Hand Restaurant for lunch . We all got the smorgasbord which was wonderful . After that we headed for home . I 've been looking forward to this day all week and I wasn 't disappointed . It 's been a great day . Hello , friends . I wasn 't going to post anything because it really has been a nothing day again today . But looking through my pictures I found this . We have a new exhibit at work called " I 'm Really Not a Hoarder - - Interesting Things Found in My Attic " . My boss has brought in some things he has had laying around and put them in our display case . I even loaned him a pin I had for " Ross Perot for President " . Remember him ? So anyway , I figured I 'd show you a couple of pictures now and in the next few weeks so you can share it . I think you will find it very interesting and maybe you can remember some of the things . These signs were all over the place when I was growing up in the 1950s . Remember how they made us have fallout drills in school ? The things they had us do would never have saved us from a bomb . I got a lot of reflection from the glass in this picture , but hope you can see this old camera . It 's amazing just how far cameras have come over the years . If you grew up in Philly , you knew Steve Carlton . He was the hero of many Phillies fans . And how cool to have a Steve Carlton bobble - head doll . Hope you enjoyed these . Like I said much more to come . And Jerry keeps adding to it all the time so there 's a lot more stuff to show . Those of you old enough know where the title came from . And , in fact , that 's exactly what it was - - just another day . Nothing special . I overslept this morning and was a few minutes late for work . It was my late day where I went in at 11 : 30 . I woke up 11 : 15 . Yikes ! Fortunately I had been up earlier and eaten breakfast . Otherwise I would have been in BIG trouble . A boring day . Nothing special . The highlight was when this woman said Sheila and Diane had yelled at her because she kept walking into the staff areas . Didn 't we know who she was ? Her son volunteered with us and she should have privileges . Yeah . Right . By the way , neither of them yelled at her . I went to Rite Aid tonight to get something to eat since I didn 't have time to pack anything this morning . While I was there I saw this pretty dish towel with apples and pears on it . My kitchen is all apples , so I decided to get it . It was only $ 1 so I splurged . One more day and it 's the weekend . I can 't wait . I 'm so looking forward to this weekend because I am heading for Lancaster on Saturday . Of course I have to work on Sunday , but I 'm having a good time at least part of the weekend . I 'm tired and I 'm heading for bed so I 'll say goodnight . Have a good one , folks . Posted by AGATHA RAISIN AND THE QUICHE OF DEATH by M . C . Beaton ( 1992 ) About the book : Ah - h - h . . . The cloudless peace of the beautiful Cotswolds . . . . After Agatha 's years of slaving to promote other people to success , her new life in a picture - book English village is a dream come true . And how better to make friends than by entering the village quiche - making competition ? To ensure first prize , Agatha buys her entry at London 's renowned Quicherie . Alas , Agatha 's impeccable product is soon exposed - - as not only store - bought but poisoned . The contest judge , Mr . Cummings - Browne , rumored to be a connoisseur of women as well as food , succumbs after eating it , and with him go Agatha 's chances for bucolic bliss - - unless she can nab the poisoner . In a reckless game of village quiche - and - tell , Agatha rushes in where angels might fear to tread , infuriating and entertaining her neighbors , but shrewdly gaining on her prey - - all unaware that she 's become the prey herself . . . . My thoughts : This book was really good , but took a lot longer to read than I anticipated . It was slow going but worth it . This is the first Agatha Raisin book . I want to read them all and I like reading series in order . But finding it was difficult . So glad I did . The character of Agatha seems a little stiff in the beginning , but fleshes out as the book goes on . Her crazy friends and neighbors only add to the story . I had figured out about half - way through " who dunnit " but for the life of me couldn 't figure out the " how . " A very clever ending . We had a real cool program today to end up the Summer Reading Game . First the curator talked about mammals - - animals with hair or fur , are warm blooded , and give birth to live young . As an example she brought an opossum . It was so cute ! Then she talked about birds - - animals with feathers , are warm blooded and lay eggs with hard shells . The bird she brought was a burrowing owl . Finally she spoke about reptiles - - animals with scales , cold - blooded and lays leathery eggs . For this she brought a bearded comoro dragon . It was a lot of fun and just what we needed to end the summer . Vacation is over and it 's back to work . Jerry ( the branch head ) was on vacation today . And surprise - - Sheila ( the children 's librarian ) called in sick . Oops ! So that made me in charge . I called the extensions division and told them we had no librarian . I talked to the Area Administrator ( my boss ' boss ) and she said we could close and go somewhere else , or we could stay open and I could be librarian for the day ( an out of class job with more pay ) . I asked the other library assistants and the guard what they wanted to do and they all said stay and open . Can you tell we all hate going to other branches ? So I said we would open and I would be the librarian . Guess what - - I loved it . This is what I really wanted to do , what I went to college for . I just never got the chance . * Sigh * I got a call later on that a librarian from the Rodriguez Branch could come for the afternoon ( 1 - 5 ) . She did . Her name is Liz and she has been with the library for 4 months . But it was so good having her there to help out . When I got in this morning there was literally 24 inches of paperwork on my desk waiting for my attention . By not having to sit at the librarian 's desk all day I was able to whittle most of it down . It is now a manageable level that I can finish up tomorrow . When we were leaving tonight Walt , the guard , said it was a good day . I said that I am a calm person and if you don 't overreact to everything ( the way some of my co - workers do ) , people don 't overreact to you . Diane told me it was very lonely without me last week and that I was the heart of the library . How nice ! I 'm going to go get dinner ready . Joe was feeling better today and actually went food shopping while I was getting ready for work this morning . So I am having baked chicken thighs with the new hickory smoke barbeque sauce I got in Lancaster last week , corn on the cob and the rest of the green beans I got in New Jersey on Saturday . Yum . Posted by So hard to believe that just a week ago my vacation was just beginning and now it 's almost time to go back to work . It seemed such a short time to be off . I didn 't do much of anything today . Besides church , I just laid around the house and napped . Won 't be able to do that after today . I have a long busy next three weeks in front of me . Today I thought I would take pictures of the things I told you I would show you and end up the vacation with that . This is the laser cut oak cross that I got at the State Fair . The bottom of it shows the Nativity , then there is the Star of Bethlehem , the Crucifixion , the angels by the open tomb , and the top is Christ 's ascension into heaven . It 's beautiful . I almost didn 't get this , but couldn 't resist when I was at the Christmas Shop in Lancaster . Too cute ! And here is my ornament for this year . It is carved out of olive wood from Bethlehem . You can 't see it , but the word " Bethlehem " is painted on the bottom . This isn 't a very good picture , but these are the earrings I bought at Hershey Farm . The crescent moons have little stars carved in them . Finally , this is the cookbook I bought yesterday at Barnes and Noble . Next weekend I will start making recipes out of it . If they turn out , I 'll share some with you . So back to work tomorrow . In some ways I 'm glad to go back , but in others I 'm sad . Don 't miss the nasty people at all ! But miss my friends . Stay tuned for tomorrow 's episode in my trip through life . I slept really good last night at my sister 's house . I slept so good that I woke up later than I expected to . That was nice . We had muffins for breakfast - - blueberry for me and chocolate chip for Elaine . So good . They were BIG muffins . Elaine had heard that the Elks Lodge was having a Farmer 's Market so we decided to head over there and see what they had . We were pleasantly surprised . There was a real farmer there and the produce was so fresh and good looking ! I got potatoes , shallots , garlic , zucchini and green beans . I had the potatoes and green beans for dinner and they were good ! ! We then went over to Barnes and Noble . I was just going to look around , but I found a cookbook I had to have . It is all Amish and Mennonite recipes - - the kind of food I grew up eating . I am going to be using this book a lot ! We also went back to Cracker Barrel . Joe and I saw a lamp awhile back that we both loved . I saw it again last night . We talked it over and decided that we would give it to each other for our anniversary . By splitting the cost it wasn 't too much for either of us . I know , folks , I will be getting pictures of everything for you , just not tonight . People tend to think of New Jersey as being flat and sandy . But where Elaine lives is in the hills on the side of a lake with lots of trees . I took these pictures to show New Jersey isn 't all beaches . When we got home we went out in her yard for awhile . Her plants are beautiful . HibiscusRose of SharonAnother Rose of SharonAnd still another Her dog , Cody , is so cute and such a good boy . It was so nice just sitting out and talking . It 's so peaceful at Elaine 's house . Just what I needed this week . Unfortunately after we had lunch I had to leave for home . It 's back to real life for me . But what a great week off I had . On the way home a sensor light on the dashboard went on telling me I had a flat tire . I was really upset . I pulled into a parking lot to check on it . I couldn 't see anything wrong with any of them . But while I was there I heard a noise and looked up and saw a blimp advePosted by Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world . |
Lizanne is currently shopping this story and waiting to hear back from the markets she 's submitted to , so we 're not able to publish it here . For now , registered members of Toasted Cheese can read " Offal " at the forums . Best of luck , Lizanne ! Lizanne has been writing speculative fiction since 2005 . Her work has been published in a variety of online magazines and podcasts , along with her art and occasional voice talents . Email : mizem55 [ at ] yahoo . com They called me quirky at first . They smiled and patted me on the head when they said it . I took it as a compliment . Back then I was five ; approval meant everything . Then it changed . Quirky was no longer a fun word . It was used to separate me . Make me feel different than everyone else . I have to admit I rebelled a bit . But not nearly to the extent that those witnesses who claimed to watch implied . It was as if their minds had collected into one , like a Borg mindshare that could not be shaken , no matter how reasonable my reasons . No sense on dwelling on that now I supposed . I relaxed against the padding and let my mind wander . At four I was precocious , at five quirky , and at seven - and - a - half my mother began to look at me with fear in her eyes . I hadn 't planned to hurt the cat . I was napping and it pounced . Before I was even half - awake I 'd flung the creature across the room where it landed on the pointy end of my pink Barbie umbrella . Apparently , hell hath no fury like a grumpy child . When I went to investigate I found out how warm and slippery its innards felt . We 'd been learning to make rugs in Brownies . I thought it was a great idea . Men came and took me away . Years later , they deemed me ' cured ' and I was able to go outside again . They got me a job and eventually I returned to the house where I 'd started to grow up . Mom didn 't live there anymore . They say she just packed up and left the day after they took me away . Not a word to anyone . This time when the men came , I knew from the looks on their faces that there was no hope of me ever going back outside . I saw my file as the last Borg - like mind doctor turned away . On the cover , in bright red Sharpie , he wrote : # fail . Sue has been a storyteller since she could talk and a writer since she learned her alphabet . These days she is co - owner and managing editor of PaperBox Books and one of the senior story consultants at Fiction Therapy . Email : sue [ at ] suebuckley . com It was the day her couch disappeared . She didn 't know where it went , not that it much mattered anymore . She lay on the ground along the wall where the couch used to be , and looked up at the ceiling instead of out to the empty surrounding rooms . She was waiting for she didn 't know what . Perhaps the roof to rip off so that she could become one with the sky . She hadn 't talked to anyone in thirteen days . She wasn 't even sure she could . She could speak , but she didn 't know if she could be heard . Or seen . So she just stayed in her increasingly empty home . She hadn 't left the house in ten days . When she woke and found her car was gone , she just went back to bed , because she still had a bed . She didn 't know what was happening to her , or why . She knew only this : one thing disappeared everyday . And there wasn 't anything left . It started with a brush . A hair brush that just wasn 't next to the sink in the bathroom one morning . She cursed herself for leaving it in her gym bag , and then instead of running out on the windy autumn morning to get it from her car , she finger - combed her long hair into place . Only later , when she went to the gym in the afternoon , did she realize the brush wasn 't there . Four days later , when the air turned crisp , she wanted to curl up in her favorite sweatshirt and watch movies on the couch . When she opened the drawer , the faded navy - and - gold sweatshirt wasn 't there . She opened all the drawers , then the closet , but couldn 't find it anywhere . She begrudgingly put on the less - warm and baggy red one , and wondered where she had left it . She had these days of feeling forgetful , disorganized , or careless , and they scared her . This was not like her . She was never disorderly . She did not lose or forget things . She worried that this was what happened when you turned thirty , that your mind just betrays you and you are no longer yourself . She worried that this was what happened when you lived alone for too long , that you lose yourself when you 're not anchored to another . She worried that her job , which had become increasingly more stressful , was ruining her . She stood in the living room the afternoon of October 21 and stared for a long time . Something wasn 't right . The hairs rose on the back of her neck as she worried if someone was in the apartment with her . She didn 't move , only turned her head to look around . And then she saw it . The empty space over her couch , where a framed print used to hang . A black - and - white pop print of an iris . It was gone . Something shifted in her head , and all the frustration she had directed towards herself dissipated . She did not misplace a 24 - by - 36 - inch wall hanging . She did not accidentally leave it at work , or in the car . She reviewed all the things that she thought she lost over the past few weeks . A brush . Sweatshirt . Pen . Coffee mug . Nearly one thing every other day . She wondered if there were more things missing , and started looking in cupboards and closets . One plate short . Blue towel gone . She had lost more than she knew , and this frightened her . She did what she always did when she was scared and unsure - she made a list . She approached these occurrences of missing objects like a detective investigating the occult ; she was methodical in the face of the illogical . It was inexplicable , yes , but it was not without order - items could be inventoried . Patterns could be identified . Causes hypothesized . She had a purpose in the chaos , and it invigorated her . She awoke early the next day , almost eager to see if anything new was missing . When she pulled the iron from the closet to press her clothes before work , she eyed the contents . Everything seemed to be in the right place . She showered , and found everything she needed for grooming - soap , shampoo , lotions , toothbrush . Hair dryer , tweezers , mascara . As she ate cereal from a bowl that completed a set of four , she felt disappointed . The loophole that she uncovered that suggested that she might not be crazy or senile was closing . The kitchen items were intact , whereas she was not . Split - personality . Amnesia . Manic Depression . " Fuck . " She put the bowl in the sink , and went into the living room . She opened every drawer in the desk . Fingered every book in the bookcase . Fluffed the pillows . Then she went back to her bedroom . She looked into the mirror , and the face looking back was somewhere between pretty and plain . But she did not look crazy , or unlike herself . She lifted the top to her jewelry box . And there it wasn 't . The charm bracelet her father had given her when she finished grad school . Her alarm went off at 6 : 15 a . m . , her new wake - up time since her investigation began . It was getting harder to get up early as the winter air made unwelcome any space outside of her bed . She turned on the light , confirming that the lamp was still in its place . She walked down the hallway to the kitchen , and took the coffee grounds from the freezer . She walked to the counter . The coffeepot wasn 't there . She could handle losing a mug , a pair of jeans , a pen , a book - despite the obvious mystery about it . But she could not handle losing her coffeepot . Until this point , the disappearances had been a nuisance , yes , but they had also given her a profound sense of purpose that she hadn 't felt in a while . She enjoyed working on figuring it out , but she couldn 't do anything without coffee . She gave up on her morning , and instead threw a few things in a gym bag and left . She had no desire to work out before the sun was even up , so she headed into the steam room . As the heavy steam filled the air , she watched as the visible space around her receded . Just like her life . Things disappearing , and she couldn 't see what was really happening . She showered , dressed , and then headed to the diner next door . The bar was lined with suits and retirees at 8 a . m . , and she grabbed an empty seat and waited impatiently for her first cup of coffee . A waitress who looked like a Myrtle came by , wearing a name tag that said Rose . She had purple - gray hair in an updo that never came down . " What are ya having ? " She looked around at the other people sitting at the bar - the thin old man wearing the brown cardigan , the mid - 30s guy wearing a suit and too much gel … Were they losing things too ? Could this be happening to everyone ? Why would it just be to her ? Michael was the first person she told . On the day that she added the 34th item to her list , she called and asked his voicemail if he could meet for lunch . They had met for lunch a few times over the past year , to try out being friends . This time it would be different . This time she really needed him . She got an email from Michael right before her 11 a . m . meeting , and lunch was set . At noon , she grabbed her coat , and headed out into the cold air for the four - block walk to the cafe . Michael was there already , seated at a small table in the corner . She noticed two mugs . He had already gotten her drink . She walked over , and he stood and kissed her cheek . Their eyes met briefly , and up close she was sure she still loved him . And then she backed away , and from a different angle he was the guy who broke her heart . Arrogant . Selfish . Introverted . If only she could just look into his eyes forever . " I know . And I meant it . But … I have something I need to tell someone , and you 're the first person I could think of that already thinks I 'm crazy . " " I wouldn 't tell you if I wasn 't totally desperate . So , about a month ago , I started losing things . Little things , like my hairbrush and stuff . And then one day I came home and the print above the couch was missing . " " Yes . And ever since then , I 've been keeping a list of what 's missing everyday . " She pulled a folded piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to Michael . How had this not occurred to her ? " I … didn 't even think about it . " She thought about the weird guys she knew . The one religious guy at work who tried to recruit her whenever she looked sad , which had been often this past year . The neighborhood homeless guy who was always friendly when she walked by . The one bad date she went on since leaving Michael when the guy just kept asking about sex . None of them seemed like the stalker type . Was there an unknown person with access to her apartment ? Michael searched every possible entrance of the apartment to make sure it was secure , and then sat down on the couch to wait for the locksmith . He put his feet up on the coffee table , the same way that always drove her crazy . She sat down next to him stiffly . He self - consciously glanced at her , and smirked as he put his feet on the floor . She put two glasses on the counter , and worked on opening the bottle . She looked at Michael sitting in the other room , and a wave of relief rushed over her . She 'd told Michael , and he didn 't think she was crazy . He thought she was in trouble . Like her , Michael was action - oriented , and she felt like together they could figure this out . They were on their second glasses when the locksmith came , and they giggled as he worked on the door . They were getting drunk at three in the afternoon , trying to solve the mystery of the disappearing coffeepot , instead of sitting in their cubicles . Michael tried to put on a straight face as he accepted the new keys and paid the locksmith . As he closed the door and latched the new lock , they both burst out laughing . She awoke a few hours later , her neck cramped from being curled into the corner of the couch . Static was on the TV , and Michael was asleep at the other end . She had only stayed awake for fifteen minutes of the movie , she was sure . She got up carefully , and immediately noticed the ache in her stomach from the wine and lack of food . She placed a call for their favorite Thai delivery , and watched Michael sleep . She was surprised that her first reaction was disappointment , but she settled on relief that they would not share a bed , and that he was the one who suggested it . She kissed him on the forehead . " You know where everything is . Good night . " She awoke to Michael shaking her shoulder gently . She smiled and stretched and tried not to breathe directly on him . She had slept better than she had in a while . " What I mean is , are you fucking with me ? Like , is this your elaborate plan to get me over here ? Because no one came in or out last night , and it 's a little suspicious that something is missing from the room you were in . " " Yes , Michael . I hid my alarm clock . I want to be late for work , and have this shitty morning , all to get you back . Do you think I 'm like a desperate 14 - year - old girl or something ? " " That 's exactly why I came to you . Because they are . But you want to make this about you , like always . You want to be the hero . You want me to go crazy over you . You can 't stand that I 'm fine without you , you narcissistic fuck . " She sobbed soundlessly , the air emptying out of her as she curled to protect herself from the pain in her stomach . She ached as she realized that she had loved , and been loved , and that rather than a comfort , it hurt to have had all that , when only that was never enough . Today , it was enough . Today , the couch was gone , and there was nothing left . She didn 't know what would happen when the morning came , but she longed to say goodbye . She didn 't have a phone . She didn 't have a pen . She didn 't even have clothes she could put on to go out . But there were people out there that she wanted to tell that she was scared , and that she loved them . Michael . She couldn 't help but miss him the most , in spite of herself . She felt comforted and incredibly alone at the same time when she thought about him . He was the one who really knew her , and she him . But even that secret knowledge wasn 't enough to keep them together . Perhaps it was the insight into their darker selves that drove them apart ; he saw the things in her that she hid so well from herself . It was his arms that she wanted around her while she faced the inevitable disappearing . It was his words that could soothe , and give her the real courage that she was so good at faking on her own . And it was to him that she had so much more to say . Her mom . Her sister . Julie . Sarah . Uncle Jim . All these faces flooded her imagination , fraught with confusion , sadness , anger , helplessness . She knew her existence was essential to their sense of order , and her withdrawal was akin to waking to find your couch missing . She stood up . She went to the window in the kitchen and searched outside for divination . If this was the end , she was determined to name it , to mark it with a ritual goodbye . A so - long to this world and the people in it who wouldn 't understand , and would be lost a little without her . A wish for each of them . A sign that said she was here . The April sun was bright , bringing with it the first new life of the Spring . She scanned for a clothesline , fancying an elaborate escape from her situation like a prison break in the movies . But there were no such props . As she gazed into the calm afternoon , she almost forgot why she was at the window , and then she saw it . About ten feet from the back door . A dark piece of charcoal . At the door , she looked quickly to either side and saw no one . She hopped the few paces and picked up her rock . The black soot colored her fingertips , and she laughed through her tears . She looked up at the sun , as it caressed her skin with warmth . The sensations of whatever cellular activity tingled within , and she knew she was still alive with a certainty she hadn 't felt in days . And with that , she ran back inside . Kate Miffitt is an instructional designer by day , and a procrastinator by night . When she 's not procrastinating , she can be found cooking , playing drums , obsessing over the Lost finale , and even occasionally writing . She aspires to write magical realism , but often settles for witty Facebook status updates . She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and two dogs . Email : katemiffitt [ at ] gmail . com It 's Sunday , which means it 's time for me to write another story , in my quest to fulfill my New Year 's resolution , such as it was . " Tell more stories " seemed like such a reasonable thing to promise myself at the beginning of the new year . It 's not even the end of January , and I 'm having a hard time coming up with a story I both want to and can tell . There are plenty of stories I want to tell , and some of them I probably will at some point , but right now , they 're in quarantine . It 's not been the easiest week for me . It began with a funeral , and ended with some potentially devastating news about a family member . In the middle , there was work , and solving problems , and laughter , and bad weather , and no bicycling , and writing emails , and hoping , and walking too far in kick - ass new boots . There are stories in the last week , but they 're either in quarantine or they just bum me out too much to write them . I am not in the mood for a maudlin or sentimental story today . Instead , I 'll tell you about my Sunday morning . Every Sunday morning , I wake up at six a . m . and I groan . I wait until I hear the coffee grinder whir , and then I get out of bed , find my ratty blue bathrobe , and wander downstairs to start the day . Ana and I go to the 9 : 00 mass at our church on Sunday mornings , and Ana has to be there at eight to warm up for the choir . I spend the time between eight and nine sitting in the Starbucks on the corner of Charles and Beacon streets in Boston , across the street from the Boston Common , right in the midst of Beacon Hill . For that almost - an - hour , I read , or I listen to an audiobook and play Tetris on my phone , or I listen to music and stare into space . Occasionally , someone I know comes in and shares a table with me and we make small talk until it 's time to head the few blocks down the street to the church . As a coffeeshop , its identity is somewhat schizophrenic . Are all Starbucks like this ? This one is the only one I really know , since I gravitate toward independent coffeeshops with clienteles that look something like me , or versions of people who I think I 'd probably like . People I wouldn 't mind sharing a table with . Like the Diesel Cafe in Davis Square , or Darwin 's on Mt . Auburn Street in Cambridge . I feel at home in those places . They play music I like . Their service staff are young and cute and tattooed . And they don 't call themselves ' baristas , ' I don 't think . Starbucks isn 't a home , not this one at least . It 's just a place where I can get an overly - sweet soy chai beverage and kill some time trying to wake up before I go to the church where I can pretend not to doze in the pew . In part , this may very well be due to location . Beacon Hill , for those not familiar with the peculiarities of Boston neighborhoods , has no public school because no one who lives on Beacon Hill would stoop so low as to send their precious trust fund baby to a school with people making less than 1 beeelion dollars in bonuses . Okay , so that probably isn 't fair . I don 't much care , the point stands . Beacon Hill is rich and white . It also borders the Boston Common , of course , and it 's a tourist destination , and it 's the center of state government , and it 's where god - knows - how - many charity walks / runs / rides / fairs / etc . begin and end . The Starbucks there on the corner brings in a hodgepodge of these people , including the regular homeless people - a blonde woman who wears a puffy coat through the summer and pulls apparently everything she owns in a remarkably sturdy piece of wheeled luggage , and a small bearded black man who has a friendly word to say to everyone , even when he isn 't panhandling . I 've given him my share of cups of coffee and sandwiches and change . I like chatting with him . Then there are the women who come in with purses casually slung onto the table , purses I 'm sure cost as much as my bike , and their full - length fur coats , and their air - kisses with one another . They don 't see anyone below their social station , though I 'm sure they do charity work and buy organic vegetables and bleach - free tampons . I always want to accidentally spill something on them , just so perhaps a small amount of emotion might creep through their tight , controlled faces . And there are the runners / walkers / bikers / fair - goers who pop in , not every really stopping , to grab a skim no - foam latte . And then there 's The Regular . I don 't know his name . I first noticed him a couple of years ago , when my friend A 's twins were infants and he commented on them . He wears black plastic - rimmed square glasses , and looks , at first glance , like an aging homosexual from another era . He 's in his late 60s , probably , and he has thick gray hair , swept back from his face , and he purses his lips when he smiles . He wears this combination of clothes that are halfway between rich preppy and old golfer . His perfectly - pleated cranberry - colored slacks are belted under his ribcage . He has tassels on his leather moccasins and he wears no socks . His bare white ankles are speckled with dark , coarse hairs . Today , he was wearing a multicolored striped shirt with the collar flipped up in back . The first time I met The Regular , I thought he was probably an okay guy . He cooed over the babies for a moment and then moved on . Since then , though , he has been in the Starbucks every single time I go in there , and first , he 's loud . And he never stops talking - to the other customers , to the baristas , to himself . He laughs loudly at his little jokes . He invades the personal space of every female who comes near him . It is clear from his body language that he finds himself utterly and completely charming . Everyone else should know this about him , too , right ? And so he chortles at his own jokes and flamboyantly dances through the coffeeshop in search of the restroom key , pausing to say hello to anyone who catches his eye . " I don 't know , " I said , with no small degree of despair . " They probably just can 't get rid of him . I just always make sure I have my iPod when I 'm in here . " My new friend went back to his MacBook , rubbing his temples . When The Regular exploded into laughter after a particularly screechy observation , he looked back to me . " Can you watch my stuff a minute ? " Barista , shrugging and smiling apologetically : Sorry , dude . We 've tried everything we can . We 're pretty sure he has a nest in the walls , because even the exterminators couldn 't get rid of him for long . He just keeps coming back . Today , The Regular was smirking as I walked in . I 'm afraid he 's beginning to , after two years , recognize me . I sat at my table and pulled out my writing notebook and set my iPod on " loudly shuffle almost everything . " Tori Amos , played at top volume , would drown out a tornado , and it almost drowns out The Regular . Until he comes near my table , holding a $ 20 bill in his left hand . A barista is coming toward him , holding a broom on a mission from some chore or another . He grabs her wrist , and I see the muscles in her arm bulge as she tries to pull away . She 's young , in her early 20s , probably , but she has that server smile that says , " I 'm doing this for the money , but don 't push your luck . " I mastered that smile once upon a time . He didn 't let go . She took the twenty , said something , and tugged at her arm again . I removed one earbud . I did not want to get involved with this asshole , because I 'd never be able to return to this Starbucks for my weekly sugar bomb , but I couldn 't not step in . At that moment , he let go of her wrists and flounced around to the restroom area . Amy Gantt writes fiction in the grantwriting genre for a university in Boston , Massachusetts . In her spare time , she writes nonfictional stories about her life , walks her whiny dogs , feeds her always - starving cats , and cooks complicated meals for herself and her partner . Stories have always been the way Amy finds meaning in the world : if it can 't be story - shaped , it likely can 't be - or shouldn 't be - understood . Sandra looked at the lifeless form in front of her . A few minutes ago , he had been alive . Very alive , in fact . But apparently she had misinterpreted his last few cries . Pleasure and pain could be quite close in Sandra 's experience , but never had that concept been quite this clear . She didn 't know how long it took a body to become stiff after death , but one particular part seemed intent on leading the way there . Amazing . Suddenly Sandra felt a wave of embarrassment and covered him with the sheet , then immediately felt foolish as she looked down at the little tent he made . The ticking of the clock caught Sandra 's attention , and she felt a wave of panic . Three o ' clock . Afternoon delight indeed . But his wife would be home by five . Two hours . Suddenly this simple affair seemed to be a little more complicated , and a very bad idea . Amazing how clear that suddenly became . Leave him ? No . Definitely not . Oblivious to his needs as she might be , there was no way his wife would think he had come home for a nap and died in his sleep , especially if one type of stiffness did not go away before the next type developed . And as soon as she pulled back the top sheet … well , it wouldn 't take the top crew from CSI to find DNA on that bed . Dress him . Take him somewhere . Take him away from here - to where was a question that could wait , but he couldn 't be here when his wife came home . Change the bed sheets . Blow dry the top of the mattress too , Sandra thought with some embarrassment . He had really been very good - right up to the moment when he stopped moving . Actually for a few moments afterward , before Sandra had realized the significance of his stillness . More embarrassment . She had continued making love to a dead man ! A brief wave of nausea followed , but she quelled that by convincing herself that Harold had died the way all men dream of dying . Yes . He would have wanted it that way . The expression on his face was preserved ecstasy , not a rictus of pain . It was . The two may look virtually the same , but his expression was pleasure , not pain . It was ! Time to act , and stop standing here like a … like an adulteress who had just killed her lover . Sandra dressed quickly , then rolled Harold into the top sheet , the most visible sign of his pleasure still protruding absurdly . She lowered him gently , then dropped him on the floor with a thump . She stripped the sheets from the bed , found Harold 's wife 's hair dryer in the ensuite , and dried the top of the mattress until the evidence of this afternoon 's tryst was less … evident . She found the linen closet and changed the sheets . Fortunately , they were all the same colour and texture - Harold 's wife really was a bore . Next : dress Harold . She retrieved his clothes from where they lay scattered on the floor of this room and the next , and dressed him . The sheet made it easy to drag him to the door . Thankfully Harold 's house was only one storey , and had a door leading directly to the garage where she had discreetly parked her Camry . She dragged him into the back seat , and folded his legs so he would fit . Fortunately he wasn 't getting stiff yet - well , except for that one incredibly persistent part . How long did that take , anyway ? As Sandra looked at Harold lying in the back seat , wrapped in the sheet , she realized how ridiculous that plan was . Would anyone looking in at a red light think he had just crawled into the back seat to take a nap , having brought a convenient sheet along with him ? She dragged him back out , apologizing to his lifeless form as she bumped his head on the doorsill , then maneuvered him into the front passenger 's seat . Now to put the sheet in the laundry basket … No ! Stupid ! She put the sheet in the trunk , then went back to the bedroom to retrieve the other sheet , put the hair dryer back in the bathroom , and pick up her purse , which was still sitting in the living room where she had left it . Okay . That 's everything . Cell phone . Keys . Shoes . Condom wrappers . Damn ! Another trip to the bedroom , fish them out of the wastebasket , into the trunk with the sheets . That 's it . Nothing left behind . Sandra got into the driver 's seat and looked at Harold , his head lolling to one side . Taking a nap . That 's believable . No . Damn . How long until he was stiff enough to hold his damned head up ? Four o ' clock . Obviously more than an hour , then . Harold 's garage contained a small workshop where he started ( but usually didn 't finish ) small woodworking projects . A small lath would do the trick , but what then ? Attach it to his head with duct tape ? Staple gun . Oh my god , I 'm sorry , Harold . She leaned him forward against the dash and fired two staples through the lath into the back of his head . Oh no , would he bleed ? His face was quite pale , so there probably wasn 't enough blood to - His face was pale . Too pale . Makeup ! She reached into her purse , pulled out her compact , and gave him an even foundation . Great . Now he looked pale and painted . But better - enough to fool other motorists . Probably . As long as they didn 't pay too much attention at a stop light . Oh please let the lights be green ! Sandra started the car , put the transmission in reverse , then back in park . Turn the car off . Get out . Look for the switch to open the garage door . There has to be a switch , right ? Damn you , Harold , why isn 't the switch right beside the door ? His car . The remote clipped to the visor . Damn , damn ! Harold , this is your own garage ! Why did you lock your car door ? Keys - she had felt them jingle in his pocket when she dressed him . Back to her car . Reach in his pocket . Oh my god , he was still up . Yes ! Car keys ! Harold 's head still lay against the dashboard where she had leaned him over . She pushed him upright . Was he starting to get stiff ? The lath stuffed down his collar held his head upright now , and wasn 't visible unless she looked directly at it . Okay . Harold 's car . Damn ! Harold 's car alarm ! Which bloody button - ? Okay . Quiet again . For the first time in her life , Sandra was ecstatic that car alarms went off so annoyingly often that no one paid attention to them anymore . The remote . Open the door . Clip it back on the visor . Back to her car - Fingerprints ! Damn ! Sandra let the garage door close as she used one of Harold 's work gloves to wipe her prints from Harold 's car door , from the garage door remote , from the staple gun … then realized how futile the exercise was considering how many prints she must have left inside the house . Had she ever been fingerprinted ? No . Could she be connected to Harold in any other way ? Probably not . Maybe . Worry about that later . Finally , Sandra was on the road . Great . Where to go now ? The river ? The forest ? A back alley ? Homeless people died on the street … but they didn 't generally wear expensive clothes like Harold did . Or wear makeup . Under the floorboards like that dreadful story she read in school so she could be tortured by the throbbing of the hideous - no ! Best not to think about that . Her eyes drifted to his lap . That could not be normal ! Oh my god , I 'm driving a stiff stiff . Her spontaneous chuckle nearly became a sob . What was she doing ? She was covering up - it wasn 't a murder ! It was just a very inconvenient accident ! Drop him behind the police station with a note ? I 'm sorry , but Harold died while having sex . It was a terrible accident , but I didn 't want his wife to come home and find him . You can easily verify how he died because … Red light ! Pay attention ! Sandra screeched to a stop . Her heart stopped , then thundered , when she noticed a police cruiser coming the other way . But the officer just grinned and shook his head at the silly woman who had too much on her mind and almost missed the light . Don 't look at Harold . Don 't look at Harold . Don 't look … The light turned green and she drove on . The policeman gave her a wave and a grin as she passed . She felt the sweat run down her neck as she started breathing again . Apparently Harold looked good enough to - Damn ! Apparently he looked like he was leaning over at his silly wife who almost missed the red light . His head leaned comically toward her and she realized anyone on the other side of the car at the next light would see the thin stake stapled to the back of his head . She reached over and turned his head straight again . He was definitely getting stiff now - Stop looking there ! Yes , there too . His head wouldn 't stay on straight . She couldn 't just hold it there , looking like she was giving him a neck massage while driving him … she had to get him out of here ! She couldn 't do this ! She had to give herself up ! What would happen ? Would she go to jail ? It wasn 't murder ! Adultery wasn 't a crime , and a heart attack wasn 't her fault ! Okay , maybe it was , but she didn 't want it to happen ! All she wanted was to be with Harold , to give him the pleasure he needed ! And now she had to give him the peace he needed . After a few blocks , Sandra pulled into the parking lot of the local police station . She turned to Harold , looked into his glassy eyes , still crystal blue , surrounded by the unnatural - looking makeup . " I 'm so sorry , Harold . " She walked into the police station in tears . What could she say ? The female officer at the front desk saw her distress and guided her to a chair . " What happened , dear ? " she asked . Sandra tried several times to say something , and finally came out with " He 's dead , " before breaking down completely . It was over . There would be consequences , but Harold could have peace . His wife would be devastated , but she would find peace . And Sandra , doing right by a very wrong situation , she too would find peace . Kirk Becken is a professional Green Guy who lives in Vancouver , British Columbia , and occasionally finds something to write about . For Kirk , writing fiction is a therapeutic antidote to writing position papers , policy documents , and somewhat - safe work procedures - even if such documents occasionally require some degree of creative writing . Kirk 's greatest literary hope is that no one takes his writing too seriously - especially his girlfriend , Sandra . It was Gramps 's old record player that did it . In the end , it almost ripped us apart , which would have been ironic . In the end , it brought us back together again . My first memory of the record player was from a day my parents left me with my grandparents . Back in the mid - seventies when I was probably five or six years old . My grandparents were supposed to watch me while my parents shopped for a car . Mama had wrecked the car the week before and Daddy was none too happy about having to buy a new one . The last thing he wanted was for " the sniveling little brat " to come with them . When Mama dropped me off , I did my best to live up to Daddy 's view of me . I sniveled and cried . As Mama walked down the pathway to the street , where Daddy sat in Gramps 's car waiting , I screamed and stomped my feet . It did no good . Mama got in the car , closed the door , and blew me a kiss while I held my hand out and cried for her . As Daddy drove the car down the tree - lined street , Gramps picked me up and kissed me on my cheek , his rough stubble a memory I haven 't forgotten . " Come , little one , " he said in his old country accent . " Let us listen to some music . " He took me into the front room and sat me down in his recliner . While I tried to control my sobs , Gramps went to a cabinet in the corner . On top was his record player . It had fake wood paneling and two huge speakers on the floor next to the cabinet . Gramps lifted the arm and placed the needle down on the spinning platter , bringing forth a crackle from those speakers . My sniveling stopped . Through the opening seconds of hissing and snapping , Gramps walked to the chair I sat in . He leaned over and picked me up , a small grunt escaping from him as he did so . He sat down in the chair and put me in his lap as the music began . I have no idea what the song was , but it soothed me . Within seconds I had stopped crying while the delicate sounds emanated from the speakers and Gramps rubbed my back . Every few seconds , he whispered , " Shhhhh . " In the years ahead , Gramps 's old record player worked its magic . When I was grown , along with my brother and our cousins , our grandparents ' house was where we always returned for the traditional family get - togethers . For Thanksgiving , we ate Gramma 's dry turkey and drier stuffing . At Christmas , we enjoyed her baked ham and macaroni - and - cheese out of a box . For anniversaries and birthdays , weddings and funerals , we shared in potlucks and Gramma 's version of food . Every time we got together there was always a point at which voices would rise , forks would be slammed to the table . Whether it was politics or religion , whether Aunt Suzie should have been invited or whether distant cousin Bill was a drunk , something always caused a stir that would end when Gramps rose from the table . " It is time for some music , " he would mutter to himself , but loudly enough for everybody to hear . Gramps , who was old back in the seventies when I was just a boy , would hobble to the front room . Soon , the crackle and hiss would make its way into the dining room and a few seconds later an orchestra filled with strings and woodwinds would follow . When Gramps returned and sat back down in his chair , the creak of his joints overriding the music for just the briefest of seconds , he would look at his family reaching down the sides of the table . " Now , what were we talking about ? " For the rest of the evening , whatever conflict had arisen was forgotten . The music did its trick . When Gramps died , preceded only a couple of months by Gramma , he left no will . Just a house full of stuff accumulated over the ninety - one years of his life . We gathered there one Saturday afternoon . All of the cousins . My brother , John , and I . Chris and Chelsea . Our mothers , Gramps and Gramma 's only children , didn 't want to have anything to do with going through their stuff . It was too painful for them . " Take what you want , " Mama said . " Whatever 's left , give to Goodwill . " Chris stood up and turned towards John . " What ? You think you get it ? You don 't even like music . You don 't own a CD , let alone a record . You wouldn 't know what to do with it . " " I don 't want anything else . You can all fight over everything else in this house , but the record player 's mine , " Chris said , taking a step towards John . It was amazing how quickly his anger had risen . I did the only thing I could think of to do . While the two men , acting like little boys , stared each other down , I went to Gramps 's record player and turned it on . Once the disc was spinning , I picked up the needle and placed it on the edge . I turned the volume up so that the crackle and hiss filled the room , followed a few seconds later by the sound of a lone violin eeking out a mournful melody . Your cross - beams sway in the wind now . That once stood so defiant to God . Shingles splintered and thrown to time . Weathering to male - pattern baldness . When I see you again will this roof be shaved ? Doors hanging by one hinge ? Elements and that run - down phrase - " it 's just the wind " - making themselves at home ? I never knew you were my past . That burning of forever in me - and you - that never falls to ash . Until I saw the ruin . The dust . Of the nights - our nights - that were to last forever . Melt to red dawn and … a familiar face , washed out . Rain fallen through the roof , moldering my best memory . Aaron M . Wilder is a student of English at Marian College in Indianapolis , IN , where he plays baseball and tennis for scholarship . He hails from the small town of Decatur , IN , where his parents , Susan and Michael Wilder , were also born and raised . After college he plans to attend grad school and hopes to pursue a future as a writer , editor of a literary magazine , or college professor . E - mail : aaron _ m _ wilder [ at ] hotmail . com Matt needs four things to survive : Mint Mochas , Miki , his computer / typewriter , and someone to listen . Paducah , Kentucky may not be the best place to be 21 , but the town and the people of the town are what keep his fingers typing . Matt 's father thinks that freelance writer is another word for hobo , so until Matt runs out of coffee or until Miki runs out on Matt , he is going to embrace his vagrant life - style . |
The only thing approaching excitement today was when mom proved to be serious about the whole vacuum thing . She plugged it in and turned it on . Then she made me get closer and closer to it , stopping when I got upset and staying in one spot until I relaxed . In the end I had to lay down right next to it . Then I had to do a couple of puppy push - ups while it was running ! She 's trying to kill me , I know it ! ! It was really hard not to freak out , but I did it . Then she let me go . She says we are going to do that every morning until I can lay down calmly next to it while it 's moving . Pam , my teacher at school , said I needed to be bomb proof . Mom is taking that seriously . She says if I can handle the vacuum and the snowplow , everything else is a piece of cake . I don 't know what cake is , but I hope it 's good . The snow was frozen this morning , but melted underneath in the afternoon . I fell through a lot and it was not comfortable . I like to walk on the snowbanks , but that was hard to do for most of today . There was ice on everything . The steps , the railings , the trees . It smelled cold . After lunch we went out again to get the mail and do chores . Dad was home all day , so he made sure the path was safe before we went outside . He also carried the orange water bucket for the chickens which was nice for mom . I am not afraid of the bucket or the water any more . I notice that it 's turning on , but I don 't care at all . After chores we came back inside and were dull again . I tried to play with my hoof and my squeakies and my tennis balls and my rawhide for a while , but I just ended up doing this : Because dad was home I got to play with him a lot more than usual . We played fetch and I also started learning how to jump over things some more . He makes me jump over his legs by teasing me with a toy . I like the jumping . We also practiced catching with small apple bits again , but I wasn 't feeling it . Gray , dull day ! I found one spot where it stays cold all the time , so the snow doesn 't melt . Look at me ! I 'm the KING OF THE WORLD ! I bet you knew that , though , didn 't you ? I 'm hoping Grandma Judy can bring Max to meet me , or we can go there to meet him . He 's closer to my age and size , and I bet much more fun than Boo . I could use a regular friend who 's more my speed to hang around with . Cross your fingers for me ! Edited to add a very important note . I cannot recommend the Boots and Barkley Pop - Open Dog Kennel featured in this post . In fact , I consider it to be an unsafe product that should not be on the market . This morning after breakfast and playtime , Yoshi went into the pop - up crate for his nap . I have left it open since Sunday so he could get used to it . He stretched and turned to lay down and the whole crate collapsed on top of him , leaving him trapped between two spring loaded layers of nylon . Because he has free - range access to the crates , the front was not zipped and I was present and able to extricate him without any injury . However , had this crate been in my car at the time , and had be been alone as I visited a restroom or grabbed a quick bite in a dog - unfriendly establishment he would have very likely been injured . Please do NOT try to cheap out and purchase this item for your dog . A better choice for portability , is the Firstrax Port - a - Crate E2 . It turns out that Sunday is a day of rest after all , or at least this week it is . It snowed all morning . I played catch with snowballs that mom threw for me . I had my nails clipped and got brushed and practiced standing on the table . Mom checked my teeth and made me stand very square . It gets easier the more I do it . Dad helps to hold me when she does my nails still . I really don 't like that part , but I get better at that too . Boo had his toes done after me and got he brushed too . Mom says that in spring we will have baths . Not every week , though , because too much washing is apparently bad for dogs . Mom cut up a small apple into pieces . She gave dad about 3 / 4 of it in slices , and then cut the rest into little pieces . She made me sit and wait , and then walked away from me . I was mostly patient . Then she tossed the apples to me . . . and I CAUGHT them ! ! Well , some of them . I am not perfect at this yet , but I think it is something I will be very good at in the future . I like catching snow , and I try to catch the ball . Mom says it will probably be easier for me to learn with small bits of apple or treats instead of the ball which may be too big for me . My Lupine has been ordered . Mom ordered it from Midwest Shiba Rescue . She said that if we were going to order it anyway it may as well come from someplace that we can help by buying . That makes sense to me ! I love my new small car crate . In fact I may like it better than my regular crate . I took naps in it today a lot . Mom thought it was too small for me when she first opened it , but I went right in . it is very cozy . I may outgrow it when I get big , but for now it is perfect . Dad vacuumed the basement today and I barked a lot . I think I may have barked too long because when he was done he brought it up and put it next to my crate . It 's off , and the cord is all wrapped up , but he doesn 't seem to be interested in moving it . I tried to stare it down . But it doesn 't move . I wish it would . We worked today on sweeping , too . This time mom swept and dad helped to keep me from attacking the broom and the dust mop . It 's a good thing they let me be a dog other times or I would be so over this whole " no " thing . No , you can 't eat the dust mop . No , you can 't bark at the vacuum or the plow or dad shoveling the back deck . No , you can 't get into the cat box . Boring ! ! It seems like we do stuff almost every day . That includes Saturday and Sunday . I guess tomorrow it is going to snow again , so that means a quiet day at home . Today was not exactly a quiet day at home . Last night I found a sheep in mom and dad 's room . It is my job to kill it . I know this , even though mom says I may not . I figured if she wouldn 't let me have yarn , I could at least have sheep ? Maybe not . Today we went for a ride to Keene . I have not been to Keene before . I like riding in the front . But I like the back too because my crate is there . We started at Achille Agway for Zuke 's treats for me . I got to go inside . People petted me and talked to me . At Target I had to wait in the car . Mom got me a hoof at Agway so I was happy to lay in my crate and chew on it . Mom got me a pop - up crate , which is even easier to carry than my folding crate . She says that juggling my folded crate , the eggs , her bag , my bag ( I have my own bag with water and treats and poop bags and things in it ) was too much . This new crate folds into a little circle that fits IN my bag ! Then mom and I walked from Target to Borders , past a string of other stores with sliding electronic doors and lots of people and movement and noise . We saw a lot of strangers . A lot of people look at me and smile . They must be saying nice things because mom says " Thank you ! " ALL the time ! Some people ask to pet me , and some people ignore me , so I ignore them . There 's a lot of cars and noise . After we walked mom put me back in the truck and I waited while mom and dad shopped at Borders . They didn 't come out with anything , and I wonder if the whole thing was just about making me wait in my crate . We stopped at another store , but I got to wait in the car with mom while dad went inside . Mom said that I had been very good and she did not want to push it . I listened to the cars and people and noises from her lap . It gets easier the more I do it . I got so comfortable that I moved into dad 's seat and laid down and relaxed a little . We came home and I worked on playing with my new tunnel . Mom remembered this morning that she had a tunnel from when Aidan was small and she had dad bring it inside . I don 't think Aidan is a dog , because it does not smell like dog . It smells like toddler . Or it did . Now it 's MINE ! It 's pretty cool . Agility , I think , will be fun ! Dad should do it with me , I think , because it seems like it will be so much FUN and he 's a fun kind of a guy . Mom is more about being good and working . He will have to come to those classes too and see if it 's something he wants to try with me . Although sometimes dad does work stuff too . Today I found out that the stove , which keeps me warm during the day , needs to be cleaned sometimes . Dad empties it with a little shovel into the big bucket that I sometimes lose my tennis balls in . Those tennis balls , they jump around a lot ! Anyway , I wanted to help , so I got my face right in it . In fact , I got my face in at exactly the wrong moment and sniffed some ashes . I decided that maybe supervising was a better job for me instead . I bet tomorrow mom and dad put me back on that table again and trim my nails . They are nothing if not creatures of habit . I need to go rest up so I am prepared for my token resistance ! It snowed almost all day today . I like the snow . I don 't like it when it is in my eyes , though . It blew around a lot today and that made it not always the most fun . Because we could not deliver eggs today ( mom won 't drive in the snow and dad took the truck to Keene for work , so even if she wanted to go she didn 't have the right vehicle ) mom had to work on thinking up something new and fun for me to do today . We did chores , which I am getting more used to . Mom hooks my leash to the dog park hook that dad put in the barn for Dazee so I can 't run over to the door while she 's feeding and watering the crazy chickens . Boo is loose in the barn , which seems unfair to me . Mom also shoveled some of the snow that had fallen from the roof onto the walkway . She made Boo and I stay in the barn with the door closed while she did it . I was not impressed . I wanted to help , but she said that my way of helping wasn 't really helping . I think she just has a very narrow view of what " help " really is . When mom does chores , this is what happens . We fill up a bucket with water and we bring the bucket and the egg basket up to the barn . I get parked on the hook , mom closes the barn door so we are all locked inside and she gets to work . She refills the chickens ' waterers and their feeder , and sometimes gives them treats , like bread from the bread store in Brattleboro . She buys a LOT of bread at one time and it lasts the chickens for a long time in the winter . The like it because it is different than their normal boring food on days when they can 't get out to play . It gives them something to do . This is Chicken Spot who waits for mom every day on the waterer . She has to be petted before mom can change the water . She likes to be rubbed around her head and under her chin . I think that 's weird for something that 's not a pet . I played with me egg for a long time . I threw it into the air , I dug for it in the snow , I carried it around . After a really long time it all of a sudden popped open ! I thought that was pretty gross until I got a taste of what was inside . Maybe I am a fox , because mom says foxes steal eggs , and that egg was a really good thing to eat ! She made me leave the shell behind , which made me kind of mad , but I let it go . I didn 't forget though , and I won 't . Next time she better watch me close ! Mom has almost chosen a Lupine for me . She says she likes Lupine a lot , especially their combo collar which is a lot like my martingale - really hard to get out of . Every dog here always gets their own Lupine print that they have for their whole life . Boo has moose on his set . It 's called Moose Tracks . Dazee had two ; Flutterby that Nana bought her and then Cherry Blossom that mom bought because she liked them better . Kioshi 's is so old that when mom tried to show me the picture on the Lupine site it wasn 't even there ! Anyway , she has had a hard time deciding which one is right for me . Apparently even if I manage to chew through my leash , Lupine will send mom a new one . She knows it 's true , too , because Kioshi once chewed through her leash when someone ( not mom ) left her tired up outside unsupervised . Mom learned a lesson and never left her with anyone again . But Lupine replaced the leash for free , anyway , so now mom really believes in them . It 's now a choice between a brand new pattern called Earth Day one called Peace Pup , and another one called Silverado . Mom says that if she were rich she would buy them all , but one is enough . I think if she bought them all dad would need to get her therapy . I can only wear one at a time after all ! It 's a tough decision , though . Which one do YOU like ? Tonight we had supper kind of late because mom was waiting for dad to come home and play with somebody named Ginger . I never met Ginger before , and I did not understand what Ginger has to do with my supper . I did not like waiting . Dad came home a while ago and I heard a lot of noise outside , new noises , that mom said were " Just dad and Ginger " . I still did not know who Ginger was . After some more time , mom let me and Boo have supper . Then we went out for our walk , and then I saw Ginger . I hate her . I tried to run back in the house but mom would not let me . Instead she picked me up to carry me past Ginger - dad had just left her sitting there making a TON of noise and being very rude - and then Ginger TRIPPED MOM on the stairs ! I know it was Ginger because mom has never fallen down like that before . Mom didn 't say anything , she just got back up and carried me around Ginger so I could go potty . Once we were far enough away I did what I needed to do , and mom brought me back toward the house . I got about three feet from Ginger , nervously , but then I had enough and tried to climb a snowbank to get away from her . Mom picked me up again and carried me onto the deck and set me down . I put my ears flat and my tail between my legs and I went right to the door and waited for mom to open it . I do NOT like Ginger at ALL ! Mom says soon the snow will be gone and Ginger will stay in the garage until next year . I hope the snow goes away soon . Mom and dad talk about hiking in the woods in the spring , and I think I will like that a lot ! How good was I ? I was SO good that mom got tears in her eyes ! I did a perfect recall ! Pam held my leash and mom called my name . There were people standing along the path from Pam to mom . I did not stop even once , I went right to mom and she was VERY happy . We worked really hard all week , and it paid off ! I was good in my other stuff , too . I did my sits and downs and stays . . . I had a little trouble with the one minute stay , but the 30 second one went ok . I was also a little cranky about " stand for petting " , which we did on the table to get me used to being up there . I wanted to sit . I was unimpressed with the new thing , which is sit and stay while being petted by strangers , but we 'll work on that this week and see how I do . It 's hard to be sitting when I am so young and people are so happy to see me . And it 's going to be hard for mom to train the people to ignore me or walk away if I DON ' T sit and stay for petting . But we 'll work it out . My loose lead walking is a lot better , but I still need work , mom says . I think I did pretty good , though . I put my ears back and got kind of cranky for a little while , but the change made me pay better attention , which I think now is maybe what mom was trying to do . She tricked me , really . This is a very fuzzy picture , but that 's me and mom . These are my friends , Emma and Ama . I think that 's how you spell it . Emma is the white and brown dog ( she 's a spaniel ) and Ama ( she 's a mix of breeds ) is the black dog . We get to play before school starts , which is a lot of fun . We run and jump on each other , and I get my nervous energy out . I like Emma a lot . We played alone last week until Ama got there for class ( she was late ) and then this week when Emma thought Ama was getting rough with me , she jumped in and told Ama to stop . Then when mom had me on the table for my stand practice , Emma was watching very closely . The humans all talked about whether Emma had maybe had babies of her own before she came to her forever home . She was " found stray " , which I think means her first people were not paying very good attention . Her new people seem to pay a lot of attention to her , which I think is good . Today mom left me home all alone in my crate while she went to mail her book . It 's the first time I 've been really , really alone . Usually Girl and Gerbil are here when mom and dad go out , so I am in my crate , but there 's noise and people . I 've been good , so mom thought it was time . I did really well , but I was glad when mom came home ! After school mom got eggs ready for Girl to take to the yarn store tomorrow . I guess it is going to snow , so we are staying home . I am kind of bummed because I like the people , but I guess it will be alright . I can rest up from my exciting night at school . Anyway I was playing in the living room by myself behind my gate , but I was not exactly thrilled about it . Dad came and got me and carried me to the kitchen to see what mom was doing . I like being carried , but when I saw mom I wanted to get down . Dad told me to stop being a wiggle worm . I am a wiggle worm . It 's hard not to be . Now that mom is here with me , though , I am kind of tired , so I think I will close my eyes for a little bit before bedtime . First and foremost , if you 're looking to find a purebred pet of any kind , please find a responsible breeder . There are websites that explain what a responsible breeder is and what it is not . And this isn 't just about puppies , either . Girl and Gerbil got their rats from a rattery in Andover , not from a pet store . For most companion animals , the same rules apply . Pet stores just are not good places to find a pet . Even stores that say their puppies do not come from puppy mills can 't introduce you to the parents , or at least one parent , of the pet you 're bring home . A responsible breeder can , and should . A pet store has a bunch of different kinds of animals taken care of by people who may know a little about dogs and a little about cats and a little about rats and mice and fish and turtles , but not a lot about the pet you 're looking for , or a lot about matching a pet to your desires and needs . Responsible breeders can match you to the right companion , and can tell you if the breed they have isn 't right for your lifestyle - and if they say no , don 't take it personally . They know a lot more about the animals they breed than you do , and you should trust them . Pet stores are staffed by people who know very little about the pets they are selling , and often give misinformation in an attempt to sell their " product " , which is US , animals . That doesn 't meant they don 't care about the animals they sell , but it does mean that they don 't have the expertise or experience to give you the information you need to make the best choice . Most breed - specific groups and societies have a listing on their website of breeders who have proven that they are dedicated to improving the breed and to placing quality , healthy puppies in good forever homes . Most pet stores have very limited health warranties on the animals they sell . Responsible breeders are very careful about the health of their animals . I could go on , but you get the point . Breeders , not pet stores . If you 're looking for a pet that 's not a purebred , then a shelter or rescue organSecond , Shibas ( that 's me ! ) are one of the so - called Ancient Breeds . This means that we are one of the breeds that have , so far , been identified as being the closest to wolves in our genetics . In some ways this effects our behavior , or so many people believe . They say it shows in our behavior and our reactions to the world around us . Within about twenty - four hours of my being here , mom commented to my breeder , my first mom , Charleen of Cape Cod Shibas , that I seemed very feral in my reactions to things . That is to say that I still have a lot of natural instinct . For example I don 't , when scared , run to a human , even mom . In fact , I am not sure I would even run to my biological mom and she 's a Shiba ! My instinct is to run away , fast , and far , and if I can 't run my instinct is to fight back . It 's called fight or flight , and humans have it too , but I have it more . Now , this is changing some the longer I am here , but it 's unlikely that I will ever be able to be off a leash or outside of a fenced - in yard . Like in my whole life , ever . Compare that to Berner Buffalo Boo - Boo , the " farmer 's dog " , who never has a leash on unless it 's dark or he 's going to the vet . He has no desire to run away anywhere . If something scares him , he runs straight to mom - that 's part of his breed 's characteristics . Even when I am older and doing performance work in Rally or Agility where dogs have to be off leash , it 's kind of a risk . Mom plans to take me mostly to places that run their Rally and Agility classes indoors for my own safety . Mom chose my breed knowing this , and had planned from the very beginning to find a dog that needed the kind of work and discipline she had in mind for me . I am also going to get my Canine Good Citizen certificate , and I hope to be a Therapy dog someday . There 's a lot of work in my future , which is good , because Shibas need a lot of work to keep their busy minds and bodies occupied . Which bring me to the next point . Shibas are very , very smart dogs . My little wheels turn endlessly , even when I look like I am asleep . You 'd think I am just relaxed and not alert , but every part of me is in tune with my environment . Mom can 't even stand up , or sometimes shift in her chair , without my head popping up and my tail coming up and my body springing into action . Smart dogs need a lot of direction . Girl just said this evening that I am " . . . a lot of work " , and she didn 't say it exactly as a compliment . I am pretty sure she sighed heavily . Now , before me , mom had Kioshi , an Akita , who taught her a lot of what she needs to know about me . Mom did a lot of research before she got Kioshi . She found out , for example , that a lot of Akitas end up in rescue for killing the family cat . But she also found out that they were bred as a hunting dog , so leaving them unsupervised with something that looks like prey seemed a little unfair to the dog in mom 's opinion . If it doesn 't seem unfair to you , then an Akita ( or a Shiba ) may not be a good choice for a companion . See , I have the same problem , if you want to call it that . Shibas were used for hunting everything from small game like birds and rabbits to wild boar . I have a lot of what 's called prey drive . This is a little different , and a little harder to manage , than a herding dog , say , who has a drive to control and herd livestock . If it moves , I think I should chase it , and that extends to " kill and bring home to mom " . Mom and dad took Kioshi everywhere ; into the city , to fireworks , parades , hiking , in the car , to the beach ( I can 't wait to go there ! ) , the lake ; any and everywhere . She was a lot like me at times - afraid of new things in a different way than a " regular " puppy . One time she was afraid of some orange cones that had been set up on a hiking path to warn hikers of a slide area . Mom had to walk her back and forth , over and over , with a lot of patience and calm talking and ignoring her scared behaviors before she relaxed and wasn 't afraid any more . She 's done the same thing with me a few times . All the time , every minute , every day mom has to be aware of me , because I am always aware of everything around me . This doesn 't mean mom is nervous - in fact , she 's very relaxed and calm , and spends a lot of time ignoring my antics , while at the same time being very aware of and in tune with my body language and behavior . She says it 's a little like walking a tightrope . I don 't know what one is . I suspect it would freak me out if I saw one . Mom has heard people say that it is unfair to have a Border Collie , Shetland Sheepdog , Aussie Shepherd , or other herding dog if you don 't have sheep . She hasn 't quite found a corollary to describe what you need to have to have one of me , but she 's making a list of things you need in order to have one . Here 's what she has so far . 4 . ) Enough money to pay not just for vet care , but for classes . Obedience with a dog as smart as me is critical , and socialization in my early days is vital to how successful I will be as an adult . 5 . ) Endless love . You need this because I will make a LOT of work for you , not just the typical peeing on the floor puppy kind of work either , and the love will make sure you remember why it 's good work . 6 . ) SALMON ! Lots of salmon - fresh , cooked , treats , you name it . I just LOVE fish . Kioshi loved fish too and mom is beginning to think Japanese dogs just have an affinity for fish . 8 . ) STUFFIES ! Preferably with squeakers , and bonus if I can pull all the " guts " out , which you will then have to pick up and throw away . 9 . ) CHEWIES ! I need to sharpen my teeth for that cat . Ok , really a growing puppy like me teethes , just like a human . Our baby teeth fall out , and chewing makes that more comfortable . 10 . ) CRATE ! I love my crate . It feels like a safe place when mom and dad go out . Most dogs who have a crate will hide their good stuff in their crate . I do already . And it 's a nice place to take a nap or get away from people and other animals in the house . When it comes to choosing the right breed of dog for your lifestyle , it 's a good idea to get a lot of input , meet a lot of dogs and talk with friends and family . The internet has a lot of cool resources and tools about how to choose the breed of dog that 's right for you . Mom , for example , thought she wanted a muppety , floppy dog , but after some research about temperament and breed characteristics , and with a little nudge from Auntie Kathy , she realized that what she really wanted was a huge amount of work , a fox - face , and a brain almost as big as her own , so she got me ! And I am glad she did ! Now , there 's no pictures of me today , just that stuff up there . And the only new thing I did today was to go outside , in the dark , while dad was unloading the grain and shavings into the barn ( because mom is Wicked Lazy , she says ) . . . this involved strange noises , dark , the truck ( running ! ) and my orange raincoat for practice . It was a lot to take in . I did pretty well . Mom had to pick me up when I started to spin around and wanted to run back to the house at first . Then she put me in the truck and we drove back to the garage with dad - a whole 100 feet or so . I watched dad spread sand on the driveway with a shovel , too , which was very interesting . But it was too near the running truck for me to get too - too close ! Also today mom swept with the green dust mop , and instead of just letting her do it or being nervous and barking , I decided it needed to be attacked ! That was FUN , until mom said I needed to stop . No sense of humor sometimes . She THINKS she has one , but she 's all rules sometimes ! We practiced loose lead waking as well as sit , down , stand and stay . Mom also is making me wait at every meal for my food . I can stand or sit , as long as I do not move a muscle until she says it 's time for breakfast , lunch or dinner . She makes Boo do it too , so it 's at least fair . Sort of . I mean , it 's MY food and I should have it NOW ! That 's ME ! Today mom worked for a while in the morning , and I was very bored . I was so bored that I started lapping the woodwork . Mom made me stop . She STILL has no sense of humor . I gave up and laid next to her in the office again . She promised me an outing , so I agreed to nap . After she was done working , we went to the Farmer 's Cooperative Exchange for grain and shavings and dog food ( YUM ! ) . I had never been here before . The people liked me a lot . Mom got me a training collar and a raincoat . Really , a raincoat ! It is very me , don 't you think ? Mom says that rain is coming and she says she is not having a soaking wet stinky dog in the house , and we 're not stopping walks just because of rain . Apparently a thing called " spring " brings rain . I think that 's ok , although it also apparently means that the snow goes away and really , I am not sure where I will pee when there is no snow . She also says that it is something called " hi - viz " with reflector stripes , which apparently makes it less likely that I will be mistaken for something huntable when we hike in the woods around here . I don 't really want to get shot , so I wear it when she says . It isn 't bad , really . Better orange and shiny than dead , I guess . After we shopped at the feed store we went to The Arbors to see Nana and drop off some recipes for her . I met a bunch of ladies . I don 't even remember all their names . I met ladies who live there . like Nana does , and I met ladies who work there . Some of them answer the phone and some work in the kitchen and some help the people who live there . Nana holds my leash most of the time . I think it reminds her of Dazee . I didn 't ever meet Dazee , but mom has talked to me about her . She also calls her friends over to meet me . They all say that they love me . There was one lady that she did not call over . The lady does not like dogs . Imagine ! I liked this lady 's socks . It turns out that she has seven or eight pair , and her daughter knits them for her . Her daughter also has mom 's first book . Small world ! Nana has a lot of friends . Some of them walk on their own , and some have walkers and wheelchairs and canes and things . I also meet a lot of family members of people who live there . After we visited for a bit mom had me walk around the building a little . I went to the elevator , and into the living room and the pub . There were normal things , like tables and chairs and sofas , and strange things that I wasn 't sure about at all , like big orange signs that said " WET FLOOR " . I barked at the sign once , and my hair stood all on end . Then mom made me go and see it up very close . She walked me around it in circles until I stopped looking scared and the hair laid smoothly on my back . When we got in the truck to come home , I hopped in the back and laid down in my crate . The shavings make a sort of a safe den around my crate so it 's even more comfortable than usual . I slept all the way home . We also practiced all my commands today , and we did some walking on the leash in the heel position . Apparently when mom says " Halt " I have to stop AND sit down . If she says nothing , I just stand beside her . I hope I can remember this . It is important , she says , that I not always sit beside her when she stops if we are walking . There will be times when she just wants me to stand and stay , not sit and stay . It 's all very confusing and I am very glad that she takes her time with all of this . We practiced turns too , and I am getting much better at them . And she 's stopped giving me treats every time I do something right . This annoys me , because I LOVE food . As long as she throws something my way now and then , I guess it 's OK , though . That 's what mom is calling today . She says I needed a break after the excitement of Thursday , Friday and Sunday . I am pretty sure this is an excuse for more of her work stuff . I have the whole run of the first floor now , but I prefer to be near mom . Sometimes she takes a break and throws the ball for me . Other times she picks me up and hugs me and kisses my fur . I like that . We took a walk but it was not as long as it could have been . It is cold and it was snowing this morning . Oh . I should tell you what psycho dog is . Psycho dog is when I race the length of the first floor in a big loop with my tail partway down and flying like a flag behind me . Sometimes I do it when mom is playing with me . Other times I do it when I am bored . Whenever I do it it is FUN and it makes mom smile . I 'm hoping tomorrow is more fun than today was . Mom has errands and she says I can go . I think there may be another field trip planned because I heard her say something about grain and shavings and dog food and I haven 't been anywhere that sells that stuff yet . I think it will be fun ! Mom is threatening to give me a bath and the only thing that 's restraining her is the cold weather . I am glad because I really don 't want to be sopping wet when it 's 20 degrees outside . I still had to have my nails clipped and my coat brushed and my teeth checked . Apparently this is some sort of family ritual . Dad and mom both get in on it , Boo gets his nails done , too , and in the end we get treats so I guess it 's OK . Not my favorite activity , but not the worst thing they 've thrown at me either . Mom seems to think that eventually she will be able to do this without dad helping . We 'll see . I 'm not planning on being that comfortable with the whole thing just yet ! I am starting to really get along with my brother . He doesn 't understand me sometimes , and other times I don 't understand him , but we are working it out . I definitely have issues with anything edible around him , and he definitely is stealing my stuff every chance he gets . Mom says it is sad how quickly he backs down when there 's a " discussion " . She thinks he should paste me one , but he just runs away and lets me have my own way all the time . I think this is as it should be . Clancy the tortoise , whatever that is , makes noise in his tank all day . Mom says he has just come out of hibernation and it full of vinegar . Someone should wring him out . he bangs and crashes randomly and I don 't like random noises . It makes me jumpy . I 'm adjusting , but not impressed at all . Today we went for a ride to Home Depot and I was left in my crate in the car while the ' rents went inside . I laid down and was quiet the whole time . Really , what else was there to do ? As long as I have my crate and can feel safe I don 't mind sitting there for a little bit . It 's cold today , and they were gone for about ten minutes . After Home Depot we were going to go visit Grandma Judy and Max and Mila , but Grandma Judy was working . Instead , we went for a walk on Federal Street . There were a lot of cars but not a lot of people . I was very nervous , but mom made me walk anyway . We walked until I started to loosen up and feel comfortable . My head came up and my gait relaxed and I stopped weaving and darting ( or trying to dart - she keeps a grip on that leash , mom does ! ) around . I guess they are going to do this with me at least once a week until I " adapt " . Mom said it was so much work for her that she needed a mocha from Shelburne Falls Coffee Roasters ( where dogs are not allowed ) . Dad and I went to the car to wait , and I fell asleep on her seat as soon as we got in . When she came back with her mocha and dad 's cinnamon bun thing , I did not want to move into my crate . I slept all afternoon . Cities make me very tired , and mom says I have to keep going back until they don 't make me tired any more . That could be a long time if I have anything to say about it ! Tonight we are going to be peaceful at home . I 've played a lot of ball today with dad and mom and Girl and Gerbil . I am practicing coming when called , which is not my favorite thing but I am improving . When mom calls I come right away when we 're home . I respond to everyone else , but not as fast . After all , they 're not MOM ! ! I am getting really good at " off " and am working on " wait " and " stay " . We walked on our road today too , and practiced stopping and turning . My leash is not as loose as mom wants , but I will get there . Oh ! This afternoon I got to be a fox ! A chicken jumped into the garden and got stuck . The garden is very deep with snow ; way over my head if I was heavy enough to fall through it . Mom and I got into the garden and I chased it out . It was so afraid of me that it went right over the fence without even thinking about what it was doing ! This is how cold it is today - mom didn 't even fall through the snow , but you could tell she was afraid she might . She walked very carefully ! I think tomorrow may be pretty boring . Mom 's working now and she seems pretty intent on working more this week . Then she says things will slow down and we can do more stuff away from home . I am not sure how I feel about that , but she 's the boss . She thinks ! I think it 's weird that five days a week dad leaves and it 's just me and mom for most of the day , and then all of a sudden dad is here and doing strange things , like laundry . Mom never does laundry . She does a lot of dishes and a lot of cooking , but she does not do laundry . But dad does . But only on something called " weekends " . Sometimes these people confuse me . Take today , for instance . Mom spent most of the morning in her office doing the work thing , but dad , who usually leaves home to do work , stayed here all day . He wandered in and out doing laundry and something called " trash " and something else called " snow removal " . See , confusing ! I spent most of the morning in or near the office with mom . She moved my crate in there so I could nap by her desk , but she really ignored me a lot . I really do not like being ignored . In the afternoon dad decided mom needed a break from work and so we went for a ride . But here 's the really weird part - usually when we go for rides it 's about ME . We go to school or we go to the yarn store to deliver eggs ( but really it 's about me learning new things and meeting new people ) . This time we just went to someplace called New Hampshire and I did . . . nothing ! Dad got out of the car and made a bunch of noise that mom says was " just getting gas " . Someone came along on a thing called a snowmobile which I was not impressed with , but mom said he was just getting gas too . Then mom and I stayed in the car while dad went into some store and bought stuff . Thing is , none of this was about ME . It was all errands that had nothing to do with ME ! I was pretty bored . I moved into dad 's seat and napped . Mom just sat there . Boring ! Cars came and went , and there were loud sounds , slamming doors , shopping carts , people talking . I don 't really get what this was about , but mom says it 's more of this socialization stuff . She seemed really happy that I was relaxed about the whole thing . I wasn 't nervous at all . After this very strange trip and I had to take a nap in my crate while mom and dad went to a birthday party for someone called April . I don 't know what an April is , but it sounds lovely . I want to meet it soon . When they came back I had supper and went potty , and then mom said we had company coming . I love company - so far , company has been all about ME ! Mom said I would get to meet my spister . I didn 't know what this meant . Apparently mom has what she calls a spid , which means " Spare Kid " . The Spid and Girl ( my sister ) are spisters ( spare sisters ) , which is something they made up on their own , and this means that the spid is my spister too . Are you following this ? It took me a while , but I think I get it . Spister means FUN ! Spisters are not like mom and dad . Spisters are giggly and cuddly and have no agenda . They are quick and they like to run and chase and throw and laugh and play ! Spisters are AWESOME ! My spister played with me - she threw my ball and I brought it back . She played hide and seek , but I found her before she was hidden . I lapped her face a lot . She laughed a LOT . She and I played with a new ball : which I killed . I just wanted to pick it up , really . I bit and bit and bit and then POOF ! There was a big puff of air and no more ball , just a loose floppy plastic thing . Not nearly as fun as a ball . Now it 's just a big yawn . Mom had to throw it away . I had this whole great plan to challenge mom this morning and howl like a banshee in my crate , but I forgot all about it . When mom went to take her shower instead of whining I got very quiet . In fact I was so quiet that DADDY got up after a little bit and let me out of my crate and praised me for being very , very good . Then he took me out to go potty . I love dad . He plays ball really well , and he likes to make me go fast chasing things , which I love to do . Last night I had a kind of a rough night at school . First , there 's the loud heater which I don 't like much . Then a train goes by during class and I really do not like it . The whole place shakes and it makes all kind of squeaks and groans . And then , well , really I am a baby and this whole thing where I am expected to pay attention for a whole hour really doesn 't work for me all the time . The good news is that mom knew from the beginning that I would have to repeat class at least 2 times and probably 3 before I was grown - up enough to behave for the whole class time . I am still very little . She better not forget that . But I don 't think she will . Anyway , I got so bored that I laid down and wouldn 't get up . Now , in my defense , this was after I spent 15 minutes playing really hard with another dog AND we were halfway into class . I had done a series of really perfect puppy push - ups both with mom beside me and in front of me . I also tried some loose lead walking , but since we haven 't done a lot of regular walking this week ( mom 's so busy with her " work " nonsense ! ) that I didn 't do so well at that , but I tried hard . But then I was pretty much done . I was trying to let mom know that I was really done , and she totally did not get it . She kept right on with the happy voice and the treats I didn 't even want any more . So I peed on the floor . And she didn 't even notice it until after . I bet she got my point then ! Dad even took my picture while I was peeing . Mom said " Gee . Thanks , honey . " and dad laughed at her . That made me wag and wiggle a lot . I figure peeing on the floor at school is not the same as peeing on the floor in other places . I can tell that a lot of other dogs have peed there before me , so really it 's like an obligation that I add myself to the mix . Today was errand day and I LOVE errand day . After we visited the yarn store and delivered eggs we went to deliver eggs at the Elgar place . last week , remember , I stayed in the car . This week I got to go in . Something about mom and Katy having lunch or something . Well , here is what I know about this Elgar place . There are women . LOTS of them . And they LOVE ME . I need to go back here again , for sure . ( These pictures are not great because mom has flash issues , like she doesn 't like to use it . And she forgot to change the settings on her camera . But you can get the basic drift . Adoration all for ME ! ! ) When they were done with the socks , we walked to Osaka ( not the actual place in Japan , but a place in Northampton that has sushi ) from Katy 's office . Now , this is not a walk like at home where there 's maybe a car or two . This is a city , with lots of cars , trucks , air brakes and even strange dogs . Two strange dogs came and met me . I was terrified and so I misbehaved and got very snappy . Mom told me that it was not ok to be mean even if I am scared . She has so many rules ! Anyway , I made it to Osaka and back and didn 't die even once , although I thought I was going to . Mom says now we have to walk in the city every week . I wonder if I had just toughed it out if she would have let me never go back there again . Oh well , too late now ! Northampton , here I come ! Hope you 're ready for me ! Well , I have to go to bed now . Dad is taking mom out - apparently it is her birthday . I didn 't get her anything . I hope she doesn 't hold it against me . I know . When they get back from dinner , maybe I will let her pet my ears . That always seems to go over well . |
The only thing approaching excitement today was when mom proved to be serious about the whole vacuum thing . She plugged it in and turned it on . Then she made me get closer and closer to it , stopping when I got upset and staying in one spot until I relaxed . In the end I had to lay down right next to it . Then I had to do a couple of puppy push - ups while it was running ! She 's trying to kill me , I know it ! ! It was really hard not to freak out , but I did it . Then she let me go . She says we are going to do that every morning until I can lay down calmly next to it while it 's moving . Pam , my teacher at school , said I needed to be bomb proof . Mom is taking that seriously . She says if I can handle the vacuum and the snowplow , everything else is a piece of cake . I don 't know what cake is , but I hope it 's good . The snow was frozen this morning , but melted underneath in the afternoon . I fell through a lot and it was not comfortable . I like to walk on the snowbanks , but that was hard to do for most of today . There was ice on everything . The steps , the railings , the trees . It smelled cold . After lunch we went out again to get the mail and do chores . Dad was home all day , so he made sure the path was safe before we went outside . He also carried the orange water bucket for the chickens which was nice for mom . I am not afraid of the bucket or the water any more . I notice that it 's turning on , but I don 't care at all . After chores we came back inside and were dull again . I tried to play with my hoof and my squeakies and my tennis balls and my rawhide for a while , but I just ended up doing this : Because dad was home I got to play with him a lot more than usual . We played fetch and I also started learning how to jump over things some more . He makes me jump over his legs by teasing me with a toy . I like the jumping . We also practiced catching with small apple bits again , but I wasn 't feeling it . Gray , dull day ! I found one spot where it stays cold all the time , so the snow doesn 't melt . Look at me ! I 'm the KING OF THE WORLD ! I bet you knew that , though , didn 't you ? I 'm hoping Grandma Judy can bring Max to meet me , or we can go there to meet him . He 's closer to my age and size , and I bet much more fun than Boo . I could use a regular friend who 's more my speed to hang around with . Cross your fingers for me ! Edited to add a very important note . I cannot recommend the Boots and Barkley Pop - Open Dog Kennel featured in this post . In fact , I consider it to be an unsafe product that should not be on the market . This morning after breakfast and playtime , Yoshi went into the pop - up crate for his nap . I have left it open since Sunday so he could get used to it . He stretched and turned to lay down and the whole crate collapsed on top of him , leaving him trapped between two spring loaded layers of nylon . Because he has free - range access to the crates , the front was not zipped and I was present and able to extricate him without any injury . However , had this crate been in my car at the time , and had be been alone as I visited a restroom or grabbed a quick bite in a dog - unfriendly establishment he would have very likely been injured . Please do NOT try to cheap out and purchase this item for your dog . A better choice for portability , is the Firstrax Port - a - Crate E2 . It turns out that Sunday is a day of rest after all , or at least this week it is . It snowed all morning . I played catch with snowballs that mom threw for me . I had my nails clipped and got brushed and practiced standing on the table . Mom checked my teeth and made me stand very square . It gets easier the more I do it . Dad helps to hold me when she does my nails still . I really don 't like that part , but I get better at that too . Boo had his toes done after me and got he brushed too . Mom says that in spring we will have baths . Not every week , though , because too much washing is apparently bad for dogs . Mom cut up a small apple into pieces . She gave dad about 3 / 4 of it in slices , and then cut the rest into little pieces . She made me sit and wait , and then walked away from me . I was mostly patient . Then she tossed the apples to me . . . and I CAUGHT them ! ! Well , some of them . I am not perfect at this yet , but I think it is something I will be very good at in the future . I like catching snow , and I try to catch the ball . Mom says it will probably be easier for me to learn with small bits of apple or treats instead of the ball which may be too big for me . My Lupine has been ordered . Mom ordered it from Midwest Shiba Rescue . She said that if we were going to order it anyway it may as well come from someplace that we can help by buying . That makes sense to me ! I love my new small car crate . In fact I may like it better than my regular crate . I took naps in it today a lot . Mom thought it was too small for me when she first opened it , but I went right in . it is very cozy . I may outgrow it when I get big , but for now it is perfect . Dad vacuumed the basement today and I barked a lot . I think I may have barked too long because when he was done he brought it up and put it next to my crate . It 's off , and the cord is all wrapped up , but he doesn 't seem to be interested in moving it . I tried to stare it down . But it doesn 't move . I wish it would . We worked today on sweeping , too . This time mom swept and dad helped to keep me from attacking the broom and the dust mop . It 's a good thing they let me be a dog other times or I would be so over this whole " no " thing . No , you can 't eat the dust mop . No , you can 't bark at the vacuum or the plow or dad shoveling the back deck . No , you can 't get into the cat box . Boring ! ! It seems like we do stuff almost every day . That includes Saturday and Sunday . I guess tomorrow it is going to snow again , so that means a quiet day at home . Today was not exactly a quiet day at home . Last night I found a sheep in mom and dad 's room . It is my job to kill it . I know this , even though mom says I may not . I figured if she wouldn 't let me have yarn , I could at least have sheep ? Maybe not . Today we went for a ride to Keene . I have not been to Keene before . I like riding in the front . But I like the back too because my crate is there . We started at Achille Agway for Zuke 's treats for me . I got to go inside . People petted me and talked to me . At Target I had to wait in the car . Mom got me a hoof at Agway so I was happy to lay in my crate and chew on it . Mom got me a pop - up crate , which is even easier to carry than my folding crate . She says that juggling my folded crate , the eggs , her bag , my bag ( I have my own bag with water and treats and poop bags and things in it ) was too much . This new crate folds into a little circle that fits IN my bag ! Then mom and I walked from Target to Borders , past a string of other stores with sliding electronic doors and lots of people and movement and noise . We saw a lot of strangers . A lot of people look at me and smile . They must be saying nice things because mom says " Thank you ! " ALL the time ! Some people ask to pet me , and some people ignore me , so I ignore them . There 's a lot of cars and noise . After we walked mom put me back in the truck and I waited while mom and dad shopped at Borders . They didn 't come out with anything , and I wonder if the whole thing was just about making me wait in my crate . We stopped at another store , but I got to wait in the car with mom while dad went inside . Mom said that I had been very good and she did not want to push it . I listened to the cars and people and noises from her lap . It gets easier the more I do it . I got so comfortable that I moved into dad 's seat and laid down and relaxed a little . We came home and I worked on playing with my new tunnel . Mom remembered this morning that she had a tunnel from when Aidan was small and she had dad bring it inside . I don 't think Aidan is a dog , because it does not smell like dog . It smells like toddler . Or it did . Now it 's MINE ! It 's pretty cool . Agility , I think , will be fun ! Dad should do it with me , I think , because it seems like it will be so much FUN and he 's a fun kind of a guy . Mom is more about being good and working . He will have to come to those classes too and see if it 's something he wants to try with me . Although sometimes dad does work stuff too . Today I found out that the stove , which keeps me warm during the day , needs to be cleaned sometimes . Dad empties it with a little shovel into the big bucket that I sometimes lose my tennis balls in . Those tennis balls , they jump around a lot ! Anyway , I wanted to help , so I got my face right in it . In fact , I got my face in at exactly the wrong moment and sniffed some ashes . I decided that maybe supervising was a better job for me instead . I bet tomorrow mom and dad put me back on that table again and trim my nails . They are nothing if not creatures of habit . I need to go rest up so I am prepared for my token resistance ! It snowed almost all day today . I like the snow . I don 't like it when it is in my eyes , though . It blew around a lot today and that made it not always the most fun . Because we could not deliver eggs today ( mom won 't drive in the snow and dad took the truck to Keene for work , so even if she wanted to go she didn 't have the right vehicle ) mom had to work on thinking up something new and fun for me to do today . We did chores , which I am getting more used to . Mom hooks my leash to the dog park hook that dad put in the barn for Dazee so I can 't run over to the door while she 's feeding and watering the crazy chickens . Boo is loose in the barn , which seems unfair to me . Mom also shoveled some of the snow that had fallen from the roof onto the walkway . She made Boo and I stay in the barn with the door closed while she did it . I was not impressed . I wanted to help , but she said that my way of helping wasn 't really helping . I think she just has a very narrow view of what " help " really is . When mom does chores , this is what happens . We fill up a bucket with water and we bring the bucket and the egg basket up to the barn . I get parked on the hook , mom closes the barn door so we are all locked inside and she gets to work . She refills the chickens ' waterers and their feeder , and sometimes gives them treats , like bread from the bread store in Brattleboro . She buys a LOT of bread at one time and it lasts the chickens for a long time in the winter . The like it because it is different than their normal boring food on days when they can 't get out to play . It gives them something to do . This is Chicken Spot who waits for mom every day on the waterer . She has to be petted before mom can change the water . She likes to be rubbed around her head and under her chin . I think that 's weird for something that 's not a pet . I played with me egg for a long time . I threw it into the air , I dug for it in the snow , I carried it around . After a really long time it all of a sudden popped open ! I thought that was pretty gross until I got a taste of what was inside . Maybe I am a fox , because mom says foxes steal eggs , and that egg was a really good thing to eat ! She made me leave the shell behind , which made me kind of mad , but I let it go . I didn 't forget though , and I won 't . Next time she better watch me close ! Mom has almost chosen a Lupine for me . She says she likes Lupine a lot , especially their combo collar which is a lot like my martingale - really hard to get out of . Every dog here always gets their own Lupine print that they have for their whole life . Boo has moose on his set . It 's called Moose Tracks . Dazee had two ; Flutterby that Nana bought her and then Cherry Blossom that mom bought because she liked them better . Kioshi 's is so old that when mom tried to show me the picture on the Lupine site it wasn 't even there ! Anyway , she has had a hard time deciding which one is right for me . Apparently even if I manage to chew through my leash , Lupine will send mom a new one . She knows it 's true , too , because Kioshi once chewed through her leash when someone ( not mom ) left her tired up outside unsupervised . Mom learned a lesson and never left her with anyone again . But Lupine replaced the leash for free , anyway , so now mom really believes in them . It 's now a choice between a brand new pattern called Earth Day one called Peace Pup , and another one called Silverado . Mom says that if she were rich she would buy them all , but one is enough . I think if she bought them all dad would need to get her therapy . I can only wear one at a time after all ! It 's a tough decision , though . Which one do YOU like ? Tonight we had supper kind of late because mom was waiting for dad to come home and play with somebody named Ginger . I never met Ginger before , and I did not understand what Ginger has to do with my supper . I did not like waiting . Dad came home a while ago and I heard a lot of noise outside , new noises , that mom said were " Just dad and Ginger " . I still did not know who Ginger was . After some more time , mom let me and Boo have supper . Then we went out for our walk , and then I saw Ginger . I hate her . I tried to run back in the house but mom would not let me . Instead she picked me up to carry me past Ginger - dad had just left her sitting there making a TON of noise and being very rude - and then Ginger TRIPPED MOM on the stairs ! I know it was Ginger because mom has never fallen down like that before . Mom didn 't say anything , she just got back up and carried me around Ginger so I could go potty . Once we were far enough away I did what I needed to do , and mom brought me back toward the house . I got about three feet from Ginger , nervously , but then I had enough and tried to climb a snowbank to get away from her . Mom picked me up again and carried me onto the deck and set me down . I put my ears flat and my tail between my legs and I went right to the door and waited for mom to open it . I do NOT like Ginger at ALL ! Mom says soon the snow will be gone and Ginger will stay in the garage until next year . I hope the snow goes away soon . Mom and dad talk about hiking in the woods in the spring , and I think I will like that a lot ! How good was I ? I was SO good that mom got tears in her eyes ! I did a perfect recall ! Pam held my leash and mom called my name . There were people standing along the path from Pam to mom . I did not stop even once , I went right to mom and she was VERY happy . We worked really hard all week , and it paid off ! I was good in my other stuff , too . I did my sits and downs and stays . . . I had a little trouble with the one minute stay , but the 30 second one went ok . I was also a little cranky about " stand for petting " , which we did on the table to get me used to being up there . I wanted to sit . I was unimpressed with the new thing , which is sit and stay while being petted by strangers , but we 'll work on that this week and see how I do . It 's hard to be sitting when I am so young and people are so happy to see me . And it 's going to be hard for mom to train the people to ignore me or walk away if I DON ' T sit and stay for petting . But we 'll work it out . My loose lead walking is a lot better , but I still need work , mom says . I think I did pretty good , though . I put my ears back and got kind of cranky for a little while , but the change made me pay better attention , which I think now is maybe what mom was trying to do . She tricked me , really . This is a very fuzzy picture , but that 's me and mom . These are my friends , Emma and Ama . I think that 's how you spell it . Emma is the white and brown dog ( she 's a spaniel ) and Ama ( she 's a mix of breeds ) is the black dog . We get to play before school starts , which is a lot of fun . We run and jump on each other , and I get my nervous energy out . I like Emma a lot . We played alone last week until Ama got there for class ( she was late ) and then this week when Emma thought Ama was getting rough with me , she jumped in and told Ama to stop . Then when mom had me on the table for my stand practice , Emma was watching very closely . The humans all talked about whether Emma had maybe had babies of her own before she came to her forever home . She was " found stray " , which I think means her first people were not paying very good attention . Her new people seem to pay a lot of attention to her , which I think is good . Today mom left me home all alone in my crate while she went to mail her book . It 's the first time I 've been really , really alone . Usually Girl and Gerbil are here when mom and dad go out , so I am in my crate , but there 's noise and people . I 've been good , so mom thought it was time . I did really well , but I was glad when mom came home ! After school mom got eggs ready for Girl to take to the yarn store tomorrow . I guess it is going to snow , so we are staying home . I am kind of bummed because I like the people , but I guess it will be alright . I can rest up from my exciting night at school . Anyway I was playing in the living room by myself behind my gate , but I was not exactly thrilled about it . Dad came and got me and carried me to the kitchen to see what mom was doing . I like being carried , but when I saw mom I wanted to get down . Dad told me to stop being a wiggle worm . I am a wiggle worm . It 's hard not to be . Now that mom is here with me , though , I am kind of tired , so I think I will close my eyes for a little bit before bedtime . First and foremost , if you 're looking to find a purebred pet of any kind , please find a responsible breeder . There are websites that explain what a responsible breeder is and what it is not . And this isn 't just about puppies , either . Girl and Gerbil got their rats from a rattery in Andover , not from a pet store . For most companion animals , the same rules apply . Pet stores just are not good places to find a pet . Even stores that say their puppies do not come from puppy mills can 't introduce you to the parents , or at least one parent , of the pet you 're bring home . A responsible breeder can , and should . A pet store has a bunch of different kinds of animals taken care of by people who may know a little about dogs and a little about cats and a little about rats and mice and fish and turtles , but not a lot about the pet you 're looking for , or a lot about matching a pet to your desires and needs . Responsible breeders can match you to the right companion , and can tell you if the breed they have isn 't right for your lifestyle - and if they say no , don 't take it personally . They know a lot more about the animals they breed than you do , and you should trust them . Pet stores are staffed by people who know very little about the pets they are selling , and often give misinformation in an attempt to sell their " product " , which is US , animals . That doesn 't meant they don 't care about the animals they sell , but it does mean that they don 't have the expertise or experience to give you the information you need to make the best choice . Most breed - specific groups and societies have a listing on their website of breeders who have proven that they are dedicated to improving the breed and to placing quality , healthy puppies in good forever homes . Most pet stores have very limited health warranties on the animals they sell . Responsible breeders are very careful about the health of their animals . I could go on , but you get the point . Breeders , not pet stores . If you 're looking for a pet that 's not a purebred , then a shelter or rescue organSecond , Shibas ( that 's me ! ) are one of the so - called Ancient Breeds . This means that we are one of the breeds that have , so far , been identified as being the closest to wolves in our genetics . In some ways this effects our behavior , or so many people believe . They say it shows in our behavior and our reactions to the world around us . Within about twenty - four hours of my being here , mom commented to my breeder , my first mom , Charleen of Cape Cod Shibas , that I seemed very feral in my reactions to things . That is to say that I still have a lot of natural instinct . For example I don 't , when scared , run to a human , even mom . In fact , I am not sure I would even run to my biological mom and she 's a Shiba ! My instinct is to run away , fast , and far , and if I can 't run my instinct is to fight back . It 's called fight or flight , and humans have it too , but I have it more . Now , this is changing some the longer I am here , but it 's unlikely that I will ever be able to be off a leash or outside of a fenced - in yard . Like in my whole life , ever . Compare that to Berner Buffalo Boo - Boo , the " farmer 's dog " , who never has a leash on unless it 's dark or he 's going to the vet . He has no desire to run away anywhere . If something scares him , he runs straight to mom - that 's part of his breed 's characteristics . Even when I am older and doing performance work in Rally or Agility where dogs have to be off leash , it 's kind of a risk . Mom plans to take me mostly to places that run their Rally and Agility classes indoors for my own safety . Mom chose my breed knowing this , and had planned from the very beginning to find a dog that needed the kind of work and discipline she had in mind for me . I am also going to get my Canine Good Citizen certificate , and I hope to be a Therapy dog someday . There 's a lot of work in my future , which is good , because Shibas need a lot of work to keep their busy minds and bodies occupied . Which bring me to the next point . Shibas are very , very smart dogs . My little wheels turn endlessly , even when I look like I am asleep . You 'd think I am just relaxed and not alert , but every part of me is in tune with my environment . Mom can 't even stand up , or sometimes shift in her chair , without my head popping up and my tail coming up and my body springing into action . Smart dogs need a lot of direction . Girl just said this evening that I am " . . . a lot of work " , and she didn 't say it exactly as a compliment . I am pretty sure she sighed heavily . Now , before me , mom had Kioshi , an Akita , who taught her a lot of what she needs to know about me . Mom did a lot of research before she got Kioshi . She found out , for example , that a lot of Akitas end up in rescue for killing the family cat . But she also found out that they were bred as a hunting dog , so leaving them unsupervised with something that looks like prey seemed a little unfair to the dog in mom 's opinion . If it doesn 't seem unfair to you , then an Akita ( or a Shiba ) may not be a good choice for a companion . See , I have the same problem , if you want to call it that . Shibas were used for hunting everything from small game like birds and rabbits to wild boar . I have a lot of what 's called prey drive . This is a little different , and a little harder to manage , than a herding dog , say , who has a drive to control and herd livestock . If it moves , I think I should chase it , and that extends to " kill and bring home to mom " . Mom and dad took Kioshi everywhere ; into the city , to fireworks , parades , hiking , in the car , to the beach ( I can 't wait to go there ! ) , the lake ; any and everywhere . She was a lot like me at times - afraid of new things in a different way than a " regular " puppy . One time she was afraid of some orange cones that had been set up on a hiking path to warn hikers of a slide area . Mom had to walk her back and forth , over and over , with a lot of patience and calm talking and ignoring her scared behaviors before she relaxed and wasn 't afraid any more . She 's done the same thing with me a few times . All the time , every minute , every day mom has to be aware of me , because I am always aware of everything around me . This doesn 't mean mom is nervous - in fact , she 's very relaxed and calm , and spends a lot of time ignoring my antics , while at the same time being very aware of and in tune with my body language and behavior . She says it 's a little like walking a tightrope . I don 't know what one is . I suspect it would freak me out if I saw one . Mom has heard people say that it is unfair to have a Border Collie , Shetland Sheepdog , Aussie Shepherd , or other herding dog if you don 't have sheep . She hasn 't quite found a corollary to describe what you need to have to have one of me , but she 's making a list of things you need in order to have one . Here 's what she has so far . 4 . ) Enough money to pay not just for vet care , but for classes . Obedience with a dog as smart as me is critical , and socialization in my early days is vital to how successful I will be as an adult . 5 . ) Endless love . You need this because I will make a LOT of work for you , not just the typical peeing on the floor puppy kind of work either , and the love will make sure you remember why it 's good work . 6 . ) SALMON ! Lots of salmon - fresh , cooked , treats , you name it . I just LOVE fish . Kioshi loved fish too and mom is beginning to think Japanese dogs just have an affinity for fish . 8 . ) STUFFIES ! Preferably with squeakers , and bonus if I can pull all the " guts " out , which you will then have to pick up and throw away . 9 . ) CHEWIES ! I need to sharpen my teeth for that cat . Ok , really a growing puppy like me teethes , just like a human . Our baby teeth fall out , and chewing makes that more comfortable . 10 . ) CRATE ! I love my crate . It feels like a safe place when mom and dad go out . Most dogs who have a crate will hide their good stuff in their crate . I do already . And it 's a nice place to take a nap or get away from people and other animals in the house . When it comes to choosing the right breed of dog for your lifestyle , it 's a good idea to get a lot of input , meet a lot of dogs and talk with friends and family . The internet has a lot of cool resources and tools about how to choose the breed of dog that 's right for you . Mom , for example , thought she wanted a muppety , floppy dog , but after some research about temperament and breed characteristics , and with a little nudge from Auntie Kathy , she realized that what she really wanted was a huge amount of work , a fox - face , and a brain almost as big as her own , so she got me ! And I am glad she did ! Now , there 's no pictures of me today , just that stuff up there . And the only new thing I did today was to go outside , in the dark , while dad was unloading the grain and shavings into the barn ( because mom is Wicked Lazy , she says ) . . . this involved strange noises , dark , the truck ( running ! ) and my orange raincoat for practice . It was a lot to take in . I did pretty well . Mom had to pick me up when I started to spin around and wanted to run back to the house at first . Then she put me in the truck and we drove back to the garage with dad - a whole 100 feet or so . I watched dad spread sand on the driveway with a shovel , too , which was very interesting . But it was too near the running truck for me to get too - too close ! Also today mom swept with the green dust mop , and instead of just letting her do it or being nervous and barking , I decided it needed to be attacked ! That was FUN , until mom said I needed to stop . No sense of humor sometimes . She THINKS she has one , but she 's all rules sometimes ! We practiced loose lead waking as well as sit , down , stand and stay . Mom also is making me wait at every meal for my food . I can stand or sit , as long as I do not move a muscle until she says it 's time for breakfast , lunch or dinner . She makes Boo do it too , so it 's at least fair . Sort of . I mean , it 's MY food and I should have it NOW ! That 's ME ! Today mom worked for a while in the morning , and I was very bored . I was so bored that I started lapping the woodwork . Mom made me stop . She STILL has no sense of humor . I gave up and laid next to her in the office again . She promised me an outing , so I agreed to nap . After she was done working , we went to the Farmer 's Cooperative Exchange for grain and shavings and dog food ( YUM ! ) . I had never been here before . The people liked me a lot . Mom got me a training collar and a raincoat . Really , a raincoat ! It is very me , don 't you think ? Mom says that rain is coming and she says she is not having a soaking wet stinky dog in the house , and we 're not stopping walks just because of rain . Apparently a thing called " spring " brings rain . I think that 's ok , although it also apparently means that the snow goes away and really , I am not sure where I will pee when there is no snow . She also says that it is something called " hi - viz " with reflector stripes , which apparently makes it less likely that I will be mistaken for something huntable when we hike in the woods around here . I don 't really want to get shot , so I wear it when she says . It isn 't bad , really . Better orange and shiny than dead , I guess . After we shopped at the feed store we went to The Arbors to see Nana and drop off some recipes for her . I met a bunch of ladies . I don 't even remember all their names . I met ladies who live there . like Nana does , and I met ladies who work there . Some of them answer the phone and some work in the kitchen and some help the people who live there . Nana holds my leash most of the time . I think it reminds her of Dazee . I didn 't ever meet Dazee , but mom has talked to me about her . She also calls her friends over to meet me . They all say that they love me . There was one lady that she did not call over . The lady does not like dogs . Imagine ! I liked this lady 's socks . It turns out that she has seven or eight pair , and her daughter knits them for her . Her daughter also has mom 's first book . Small world ! Nana has a lot of friends . Some of them walk on their own , and some have walkers and wheelchairs and canes and things . I also meet a lot of family members of people who live there . After we visited for a bit mom had me walk around the building a little . I went to the elevator , and into the living room and the pub . There were normal things , like tables and chairs and sofas , and strange things that I wasn 't sure about at all , like big orange signs that said " WET FLOOR " . I barked at the sign once , and my hair stood all on end . Then mom made me go and see it up very close . She walked me around it in circles until I stopped looking scared and the hair laid smoothly on my back . When we got in the truck to come home , I hopped in the back and laid down in my crate . The shavings make a sort of a safe den around my crate so it 's even more comfortable than usual . I slept all the way home . We also practiced all my commands today , and we did some walking on the leash in the heel position . Apparently when mom says " Halt " I have to stop AND sit down . If she says nothing , I just stand beside her . I hope I can remember this . It is important , she says , that I not always sit beside her when she stops if we are walking . There will be times when she just wants me to stand and stay , not sit and stay . It 's all very confusing and I am very glad that she takes her time with all of this . We practiced turns too , and I am getting much better at them . And she 's stopped giving me treats every time I do something right . This annoys me , because I LOVE food . As long as she throws something my way now and then , I guess it 's OK , though . That 's what mom is calling today . She says I needed a break after the excitement of Thursday , Friday and Sunday . I am pretty sure this is an excuse for more of her work stuff . I have the whole run of the first floor now , but I prefer to be near mom . Sometimes she takes a break and throws the ball for me . Other times she picks me up and hugs me and kisses my fur . I like that . We took a walk but it was not as long as it could have been . It is cold and it was snowing this morning . Oh . I should tell you what psycho dog is . Psycho dog is when I race the length of the first floor in a big loop with my tail partway down and flying like a flag behind me . Sometimes I do it when mom is playing with me . Other times I do it when I am bored . Whenever I do it it is FUN and it makes mom smile . I 'm hoping tomorrow is more fun than today was . Mom has errands and she says I can go . I think there may be another field trip planned because I heard her say something about grain and shavings and dog food and I haven 't been anywhere that sells that stuff yet . I think it will be fun ! Mom is threatening to give me a bath and the only thing that 's restraining her is the cold weather . I am glad because I really don 't want to be sopping wet when it 's 20 degrees outside . I still had to have my nails clipped and my coat brushed and my teeth checked . Apparently this is some sort of family ritual . Dad and mom both get in on it , Boo gets his nails done , too , and in the end we get treats so I guess it 's OK . Not my favorite activity , but not the worst thing they 've thrown at me either . Mom seems to think that eventually she will be able to do this without dad helping . We 'll see . I 'm not planning on being that comfortable with the whole thing just yet ! I am starting to really get along with my brother . He doesn 't understand me sometimes , and other times I don 't understand him , but we are working it out . I definitely have issues with anything edible around him , and he definitely is stealing my stuff every chance he gets . Mom says it is sad how quickly he backs down when there 's a " discussion " . She thinks he should paste me one , but he just runs away and lets me have my own way all the time . I think this is as it should be . Clancy the tortoise , whatever that is , makes noise in his tank all day . Mom says he has just come out of hibernation and it full of vinegar . Someone should wring him out . he bangs and crashes randomly and I don 't like random noises . It makes me jumpy . I 'm adjusting , but not impressed at all . Today we went for a ride to Home Depot and I was left in my crate in the car while the ' rents went inside . I laid down and was quiet the whole time . Really , what else was there to do ? As long as I have my crate and can feel safe I don 't mind sitting there for a little bit . It 's cold today , and they were gone for about ten minutes . After Home Depot we were going to go visit Grandma Judy and Max and Mila , but Grandma Judy was working . Instead , we went for a walk on Federal Street . There were a lot of cars but not a lot of people . I was very nervous , but mom made me walk anyway . We walked until I started to loosen up and feel comfortable . My head came up and my gait relaxed and I stopped weaving and darting ( or trying to dart - she keeps a grip on that leash , mom does ! ) around . I guess they are going to do this with me at least once a week until I " adapt " . Mom said it was so much work for her that she needed a mocha from Shelburne Falls Coffee Roasters ( where dogs are not allowed ) . Dad and I went to the car to wait , and I fell asleep on her seat as soon as we got in . When she came back with her mocha and dad 's cinnamon bun thing , I did not want to move into my crate . I slept all afternoon . Cities make me very tired , and mom says I have to keep going back until they don 't make me tired any more . That could be a long time if I have anything to say about it ! Tonight we are going to be peaceful at home . I 've played a lot of ball today with dad and mom and Girl and Gerbil . I am practicing coming when called , which is not my favorite thing but I am improving . When mom calls I come right away when we 're home . I respond to everyone else , but not as fast . After all , they 're not MOM ! ! I am getting really good at " off " and am working on " wait " and " stay " . We walked on our road today too , and practiced stopping and turning . My leash is not as loose as mom wants , but I will get there . Oh ! This afternoon I got to be a fox ! A chicken jumped into the garden and got stuck . The garden is very deep with snow ; way over my head if I was heavy enough to fall through it . Mom and I got into the garden and I chased it out . It was so afraid of me that it went right over the fence without even thinking about what it was doing ! This is how cold it is today - mom didn 't even fall through the snow , but you could tell she was afraid she might . She walked very carefully ! I think tomorrow may be pretty boring . Mom 's working now and she seems pretty intent on working more this week . Then she says things will slow down and we can do more stuff away from home . I am not sure how I feel about that , but she 's the boss . She thinks ! I think it 's weird that five days a week dad leaves and it 's just me and mom for most of the day , and then all of a sudden dad is here and doing strange things , like laundry . Mom never does laundry . She does a lot of dishes and a lot of cooking , but she does not do laundry . But dad does . But only on something called " weekends " . Sometimes these people confuse me . Take today , for instance . Mom spent most of the morning in her office doing the work thing , but dad , who usually leaves home to do work , stayed here all day . He wandered in and out doing laundry and something called " trash " and something else called " snow removal " . See , confusing ! I spent most of the morning in or near the office with mom . She moved my crate in there so I could nap by her desk , but she really ignored me a lot . I really do not like being ignored . In the afternoon dad decided mom needed a break from work and so we went for a ride . But here 's the really weird part - usually when we go for rides it 's about ME . We go to school or we go to the yarn store to deliver eggs ( but really it 's about me learning new things and meeting new people ) . This time we just went to someplace called New Hampshire and I did . . . nothing ! Dad got out of the car and made a bunch of noise that mom says was " just getting gas " . Someone came along on a thing called a snowmobile which I was not impressed with , but mom said he was just getting gas too . Then mom and I stayed in the car while dad went into some store and bought stuff . Thing is , none of this was about ME . It was all errands that had nothing to do with ME ! I was pretty bored . I moved into dad 's seat and napped . Mom just sat there . Boring ! Cars came and went , and there were loud sounds , slamming doors , shopping carts , people talking . I don 't really get what this was about , but mom says it 's more of this socialization stuff . She seemed really happy that I was relaxed about the whole thing . I wasn 't nervous at all . After this very strange trip and I had to take a nap in my crate while mom and dad went to a birthday party for someone called April . I don 't know what an April is , but it sounds lovely . I want to meet it soon . When they came back I had supper and went potty , and then mom said we had company coming . I love company - so far , company has been all about ME ! Mom said I would get to meet my spister . I didn 't know what this meant . Apparently mom has what she calls a spid , which means " Spare Kid " . The Spid and Girl ( my sister ) are spisters ( spare sisters ) , which is something they made up on their own , and this means that the spid is my spister too . Are you following this ? It took me a while , but I think I get it . Spister means FUN ! Spisters are not like mom and dad . Spisters are giggly and cuddly and have no agenda . They are quick and they like to run and chase and throw and laugh and play ! Spisters are AWESOME ! My spister played with me - she threw my ball and I brought it back . She played hide and seek , but I found her before she was hidden . I lapped her face a lot . She laughed a LOT . She and I played with a new ball : which I killed . I just wanted to pick it up , really . I bit and bit and bit and then POOF ! There was a big puff of air and no more ball , just a loose floppy plastic thing . Not nearly as fun as a ball . Now it 's just a big yawn . Mom had to throw it away . I had this whole great plan to challenge mom this morning and howl like a banshee in my crate , but I forgot all about it . When mom went to take her shower instead of whining I got very quiet . In fact I was so quiet that DADDY got up after a little bit and let me out of my crate and praised me for being very , very good . Then he took me out to go potty . I love dad . He plays ball really well , and he likes to make me go fast chasing things , which I love to do . Last night I had a kind of a rough night at school . First , there 's the loud heater which I don 't like much . Then a train goes by during class and I really do not like it . The whole place shakes and it makes all kind of squeaks and groans . And then , well , really I am a baby and this whole thing where I am expected to pay attention for a whole hour really doesn 't work for me all the time . The good news is that mom knew from the beginning that I would have to repeat class at least 2 times and probably 3 before I was grown - up enough to behave for the whole class time . I am still very little . She better not forget that . But I don 't think she will . Anyway , I got so bored that I laid down and wouldn 't get up . Now , in my defense , this was after I spent 15 minutes playing really hard with another dog AND we were halfway into class . I had done a series of really perfect puppy push - ups both with mom beside me and in front of me . I also tried some loose lead walking , but since we haven 't done a lot of regular walking this week ( mom 's so busy with her " work " nonsense ! ) that I didn 't do so well at that , but I tried hard . But then I was pretty much done . I was trying to let mom know that I was really done , and she totally did not get it . She kept right on with the happy voice and the treats I didn 't even want any more . So I peed on the floor . And she didn 't even notice it until after . I bet she got my point then ! Dad even took my picture while I was peeing . Mom said " Gee . Thanks , honey . " and dad laughed at her . That made me wag and wiggle a lot . I figure peeing on the floor at school is not the same as peeing on the floor in other places . I can tell that a lot of other dogs have peed there before me , so really it 's like an obligation that I add myself to the mix . Today was errand day and I LOVE errand day . After we visited the yarn store and delivered eggs we went to deliver eggs at the Elgar place . last week , remember , I stayed in the car . This week I got to go in . Something about mom and Katy having lunch or something . Well , here is what I know about this Elgar place . There are women . LOTS of them . And they LOVE ME . I need to go back here again , for sure . ( These pictures are not great because mom has flash issues , like she doesn 't like to use it . And she forgot to change the settings on her camera . But you can get the basic drift . Adoration all for ME ! ! ) When they were done with the socks , we walked to Osaka ( not the actual place in Japan , but a place in Northampton that has sushi ) from Katy 's office . Now , this is not a walk like at home where there 's maybe a car or two . This is a city , with lots of cars , trucks , air brakes and even strange dogs . Two strange dogs came and met me . I was terrified and so I misbehaved and got very snappy . Mom told me that it was not ok to be mean even if I am scared . She has so many rules ! Anyway , I made it to Osaka and back and didn 't die even once , although I thought I was going to . Mom says now we have to walk in the city every week . I wonder if I had just toughed it out if she would have let me never go back there again . Oh well , too late now ! Northampton , here I come ! Hope you 're ready for me ! Well , I have to go to bed now . Dad is taking mom out - apparently it is her birthday . I didn 't get her anything . I hope she doesn 't hold it against me . I know . When they get back from dinner , maybe I will let her pet my ears . That always seems to go over well . |
I am taking you now to the first chapter of The Wailings - my book in progress - as it is easier to use this to describe the upcoming events in my life and it also helps define some quotes I will be using in later posts . Please note that this will be done in two different parts as it is a little long . Also , please note that the event I first describe has not happened . It is fiction . The Wailings She sat there quietly staring at the jumble of paperwork on the desk in front of her . Her attention was elsewhere , her eyes distant and shuttered . To the people who browsed through the multicolored apparel displayed in the showroom that fronted on her office , it was a day like all the rest in their lives . But to the woman who sat at the desk , it was a day she had long expected and dreaded . The phone sprang into life and jerked her back to her position at the desk . " Fashion Gallery , " she answered . " Just what do you think you 're doing ? " hissed a voice into her ear . " I already told you that I wouldn 't be there , " she replied quietly . The voice coming through the phone was a strange mixture of sorrow and ice . " I 've been saying for a long time now that there 's something wrong with you , and look what you 're doing to prove it ! " There was a moment 's hesitation as the woman at the desk pictured in her mind the person on the other end of the line . For as long as she could remember , her mother had always looked the same . She was barely five feet tall and quite stout . Her hair was a silvery white and fine , like her own . She had blue eyes that seemed suited to a kindly grandmother and belied the nerve and fervor with which she had conducted her life . She hid those traits behind large glasses that had become a part of her face in her early years . At nearly 70 , her mother was a small immovable mountain . " Look Mom . Jerome - or - Dad - - he died for me a long time ago and I buried him then . I won 't be there today to watch him be buried again . " " Well I hope you 're happy with the way you 're acting ! You 're jPosted by In the real world my friends scoffed at my online life and my mother rolled her eyes as I sat at my desk chattering away about what had happened the night before in the Parlor . She sneered openly when I received a tape cassette from Yak and glared at me when I ran to put it on the tape player . As the sounds of The Phantom Of The Opera eased out into the back workroom of the store - she turned away and pursed her lips . She tried to find out what was written on the card he had sent along , but I tucked it away and refused to speak about it . I knew it was hopeless , but somewhere down deep inside me I dreamed of the impossible . My mother 's scorn for my lonely life knew no bounds . Every day I took my nephew to school and arrived at the store at 8 : 20 . I then worked throughout the day without a proper lunch or coffee break . I never left the store unless it was on business . Many nights I worked until 11pm and then hurried home so I could find a friend in the chat room . My nephew would catch a ride with his grandma and look after himself once he was home . I didn 't have to baby - sit him and I was grateful . I tried everything I could to please my Mom - and nothing worked . It was never good enough . I met the men who responded to my ad in the Companions section of the newspaper in the mall . I figured that I was safe with a multitude of shoppers wandering around and that I could always feign a need to return to work immediately if I didn 't like the person . Even though I never was gone for more than 10 minutes , these meetings made my mother furious . I was wasting her money when she signed my paycheck - out gallivanting around the mall like a hussy . She was much like my father in that respect . She just didn 't want to see me with anyone . One day during a vehement argument , she raised her hand and drew it back as if to strike me . I looked her in the eyes and said " It wouldn 't be the first time , would it Mom . " She lowered her hand and turned away , unaware of the horrified stares of the staff . I was so embarrassed byPosted by Before I move on with my story , I would like to thank Potty Mummy for the wonderful award she gave me and for her own upbeat and hilarious recounting of daily life . The award looks very nice underneath my roaring lion and I am grateful . I went back to reading conversations for another couple of evenings before I dared to venture another comment . This time , instead of logging in as * A * - I logged in as Ani . I liked my character 's name and I felt emboldened by using it in a chat room . And , instead of just posting a comment , I made an entrance that made a statement . " Ani descended the long curving stairway as the light from the chandelier reflected from her red sequined dress . She walked slowly across the room and sat at the bar where she ordered ' the usual ' from the bartender . Her open - toed shoe hung seductively from her painted toenails as she crossed her legs and took a sip . Turning slowly , she surveyed the Parlor with her emerald green eyes . And waited . " It became my signature entrance and I never went unnoticed again . While I recovered from the fourth hernia repair I visited the chat room everyday . I was beginning to recognize the other visitors and got swept off my feet by Yak . Yak wined and dined me and twirled me around the dance floor , giving me that long seductive kiss as he gently bent me in our last dip . Every night , just as I logged on , I would put Michael Bolton on the cd player and advance it quickly to my favorite song . " I said I loved you but I Lied ( ' cause this is so much more I feel inside ) " . Ani would make her entrance and Yak would approach the bar , ask for my hand in the next dance , and twirl me across the dance floor . Behind me Michael crooned on - every word seeming to enhance Yak 's whisperings in my ear . Sometimes we went to a private room although in reality everyone just averted their eyes , or didn 't . Yak didn 't care who was watching or commenting . We were caught up in a world of our own . As the nights progressed , Yak and I became closer and I ended up emailing him my phaims My brother only smiled when I asked him how he had come across ' Bianca 's Smut Shack ' . I supposed then that what I didn 't know didn 't hurt me and I didn 't push it . When 11pm rolled around , I logged on and went to the chat room for a look around . I had never been in a ' chat room ' and I had no idea what to expect . I found different kinds of rooms , some interesting , some just too smutty for me . Over the next couple of nights I spent some time reading ' chats ' in the different rooms and finally settled on the Parlor . At first I just read the different conversations that were going on and tried to understand how the whole system worked . I could see there were people who seemed to know one another and had obviously been visiting this chat room for a long time . I was loath to offer a comment as I had the ridiculous idea that people could see me and would know it was me . I blushed furiously when I first commented and waited with baited breath to see what would be the reply . I was ignored completely . Everyone chatted on as if I didn 't exist . Mortification added to my embarrassment and I just wanted to sink through the floor . No one wanted to chat with me . This seemed to be the story of my life . I had been single for so long that I believed I would never find anyone . Even with Cid as my best friend - I was still lonely . I had taken out an ad in the big city paper in the ' Companions ' section in the hopes I would meet a man . The first man who answered my ad was ( unbeknownst to me ) cheating on his wife . What we soon discovered after a few dates ( according to him ) was that he was allergic to me and any exchange of body fluids gave him a rash . I kept looking . The second man I met was extremely good - looking and I was impressed . One evening I invited him home and showed him around my house . He was very interested in my closets and paid an enormous amount of attention to my clothes . He would take an outfit off the rod and hold it up as if viewing it against me before returning it and selecting another . He wePosted by Just a few ( humble ) words before I get on with the story . This weekend has been one of open - mouthed wonder for me . Sailing through blogland , I discovered three different people have been talking about me . And I am truly overwhelmed with their words . My first discovery came when I clicked on ColoursofDawn 's comment in my own comment section . My mouth fell open when I read her post about confessions for January 25 , 2008 . I was speechless when I finally recognized that she was talking about me . Then I went over to check on what is happening over at A Spot of T and this is what I found . ( go here ) I couldn 't believe what was being said . My next stop was at Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent and she said this and gave me this incredible award ! It now adorns my sidebar with much splendor underneath another powerful lion in his own right . Thank you all - ever so much - for these words and this award . And thank you to The Man for helping me with all this computer stuff . Posted by The big blue barn sits on what is considered a double lot . It is situated at the back of the lot so it is not easily seen from the street , and as shown in the pictures there are many large coniferous trees about . The original farmhouse is next door . The two houses were the original farm the town was built around . They are located two blocks from our ' downtown ' and are flanked by the United Church on the southeast corner and by the Church of the Nazarene on the southwest corner . Everyone in town knows the big blue barn and the farmhouse . The farmhouse use to be a way station between Calgary and Edmonton . Weary travelers would stop at the farmhouse and rent a room overnight before journeying on . They put up their horses in the barn which was built a few years after the farmhouse . I believe it was built in the 1890 's . After the way station - the farmhouse belonged to a doctor . The barn was converted in 1914 and belonged to a veterinarian . Later it was made into two apartments and the first floor was a garage . I was told there use to be a dumbwaiter that went from the first to the third floor but I have never found any indication of that existing . I have lived here for 13 years . Once the wiring was complete and the bank released the rest of the mortgage , I set about with the first of the renovations . I needed to insulate the entire house and I decided to do that from the inside out . That entailed pulling off all the cedar shingle . Under one of them I found a check for $ 23 , 000 . 00 . It was over 10 years old - so there was no way I could cash it . I had heard the eccentric alcoholic who lived here was wealthy . In fact , the mall where our store was located was named after his family . The mall was located on what had been their large farm and they had made their money from selling portions of their land to the city . The mall and the store were in the big city - a 20 - minute drive north of the little town where I live . Not wanting to take my nephew out of the good high school he was in - and because I worked in tPosted by For everything that was wrong with my family , it was more than right with my brother . We have had a friendship that goes beyond brother and sister . We are closer than close . There is only one person who sits higher than my brother in my mind and that is ' The Man ' . The day following the initial viewing of the barn I was back with my brother in tow . We went from room to room discussing what would need to be done and how we could do it . During our search we came across a board on the furnace room floor . When you lifted it there was a hole with a ladder in it and it went under the foundation . My brother took a flashlight and went down the ladder . He discovered a room built of cinder blocks with an air vent . This was right around the time of the notorious killings by Bernardo and Homolka and it was all I could think about when I envisioned the room my brother described . Needless to say - I have never been in it . After we examined the entire house , we went to a restaurant with the real estate agent and I put in an offer . My brother sat across the table as the paperwork was being completed . When it came time to say how much I would be offering as a down payment he calmly stated he would be lending me the 25 % that would cinch the deal . I could have kissed him , but he hates being touched or hugged . I spent an anxious day when we heard that miraculously - after four years - another offer had been presented at the same time as mine . I jumped with joy when I finally got the word that it was mine . On moving day the entire family showed up to help ! We packed every vehicle and truck we could find and moved it into the first floor of the barn . ( barns don 't have basements ) My mother took one look at my happy face and told me there were ghosts in this old building and they probably said ' Moo ' . When everyone had gone , my nephew and I got out our sleeping bags and set up camp in the dining room . It was the only room without that dirty shag carpeting and we slept there for a couple of weeks . My brother owns a white - wataims Together , my nephew and I proved the rest of the family wrong . He was mostly an A student and won awards in high school . When he realized how much I was struggling to support the both of us , he got a job after school to help with the finances . We are the best of friends . Living in the big city proved beneficial to the store and to my parents . When the alarm was triggered at the store - I was only 10 minutes away . Here , the police make the contact person go into the business first when there is an alarm ringing . They follow bravely behind with their guns and their handcuffs . Our store was highly sensored because of the fur coats and sometimes anyone walking in the mall would set it off . I hated those calls . One day I got the call that we had been robbed . When I arrived I found a trail of fur coats that went from inside our store and out into the mall and then through the store next to us . I had noticed two suspicious looking males in the store during the previous week and had asked them point - blank what they wanted . 32 fur coats later - I knew . While I was at the police station giving them a description - my mother was having a heart attack . I kept calling her to see how she was doing and became suspicious of her actions . After leaving the police station , I raced out to the farm with my cousin and nephew and found her collapsed . My father was angry with her at the time and hadn 't spoken to her in three months , so he was ignoring her and had gone out to the fields . We took her into the hospital where she remained for a week . My father was angry with me for living with my cousin and he wasn 't talking to me either - but I called him from the hospital and let him know what I thought of his actions . It didn 't help our situation but he didn 't leave my mother 's side while she was in the hospital . When the end of my first year 's rent was approaching , I decided I had had enough of paying a stranger 's mortgage . Working for a family business often means you do it out of love instead of financial gain . My wPosted by You would think all would be well in my life after finally getting away from The Beater . However , that was just not the way it was to be . I lived on my parent 's farm in an old mobile home I had bought and had moved onto their property . I connected it with an old mobile home they had lived in while they built their home that looked out across the plains of Alberta and to the majestic Rockies . I spent my first few months renovating and getting things to work , trying to make sure there wasn 't a leak where the homes joined . That first summer I worked for the government at a dam as an interpreter and a receptionist . When that job ended I moved on to a cashier 's job in a local grocery store . That came to an abrupt end when my mother became ill and I was asked to help out in the family business . I was reluctant to do this , as my younger sister - who already worked there - had made it obvious that she would not be happy with that arrangement . Working with family can be a two - edged sword - you either get along well because you know how the other works - or you don 't get along at all . Just plain old sibling rivalry . My sister tried to get my mother to fire me numerous times and when that didn 't work she finally quit herself . That eased tensions in the business and with my mother as well . Back on the farm , my father was friendly enough with me until I started dating . When I did , he immediately stopped speaking to me and would ignore me if I were in the room . I learned to live with this , and would force him into a conversation when I was feeling on top of the world . Usually I came away from these trials feeling much lower than when I went in , but I would congratulate myself on making him talk to me . I dated a number of different men , and usually for all the wrong reasons . I ended up with my heart broken over and over - always wondering what was wrong with me . At work I put in hours and hours , trying to help the business and trying for parental approval . Sometimes I was still working at midnight , only to come iPosted by In 1996 my parents were in Toronto and they ran into the bartender . My mother described the meeting ' like talking to an old friend ' . I shuddered when she told me that . The bartender had married the best friend ( a stripper ) of his second wife ( also a stripper ) . When Mom told me - I immediately thought of that movie ' When Harry Met Sally ' . In the movie Sally flung herself on her bed and cried out " What about me ? Why didn 't he marry me ? " I didn 't fling myself on my bed - but I did think that - briefly . I have often wondered if she tamed his brutal ways - if he is still the same - or if he got it out of his system after me . I know they own a coffee shop in Toronto but I heard that he doesn 't spend much time working there - she does most of it . Of course . That sounds familiar to me . During the entire writing of this back - story I have called him ' the bartender ' . In my daily life I actually always refer to him as ' The Beater ' . But that would have given everything away if I had started the story with that . Writing this has been extremely hard for me - even though it is 20 years later . I have spent sleepless nights with anxiety filled days . When I wrote the final post to this story , ' The Man ' looked at me and said - " You look much happier - not stressed at all - what has happened ? " He then hugged me long and hard . Bless him . I live with a daily reminder of those beatings with the chronic back pain I now have . The discs in the lower half of my spine have disintegrated and are collapsing outwards , pressing on the stuff that encircles the spine . Just this year they discovered that at sometime I had broken a rib . I wouldn 't have noticed with everything that was going on back then . Some days , like today , the pain is so intense that I can 't seem to get away from it or take a deep breath . The pain will only increase as I age and my body breaks down further , and I am thankful for the discovery of painkillers . But there is little help for the mental pain . I know I will have to Posted by My uncle had built me a one - bedroom apartment . It contained a small fridge and a hotplate and I had my own bathroom with a shower in the laundry room . I was on cloud nine . He didn 't ask me to pay rent for the first two months while I got myself settled and physically recovered . Then he charged me $ 140 a month . He saved my life . My aunt and uncle welcomed me into their home and I spent many happy evenings upstairs visiting with them as well as enjoying my own apartment . We developed a routine where we would all go for a walk after our suppers . Most of the time it was just my uncle and myself , but sometimes my aunt joined in . My uncle and I talked of everything under the sun , and eventually , over many walks , he learned of my six years of abuse with the bartender . How my uncle wished that I had told him sooner , but I had always thought the bartender would go back to being that romantic and kind person he had been in the first few months . One day I got a call from the bartender 's father and he asked me to join him that evening for supper if I didn 't have any other plans . I was quite nervous when I met up with him at his favorite restaurant , but that soon vanished as he put me at my ease . We chatted throughout the meal and for a short time afterwards , and he asked if I would mind if he called me again . I told him I would be delighted to be his dinner partner any time he wanted . We went out for supper many times while he was in town on business and one night he offered me $ 5 , 000 to have sex with him . I was flattered and offended and I got up the nerve and told him so . I also told him how disappointed I was that he would think of me like that . Having had the son was more than enough . He apologized and explained how attractive I was to him , and then we moved on . The next time we went out for supper , we finally brought up the subject of his son . I broke down and cried and told him about all the beatings . He was horrified and angry and I felt better . I then told him about the episode when his son had raved about the fatPosted by The growing pains that go with a growing business can be harsh and need immediate attention or they take the business down . The bartender 's mother lent me money to help during one particularly rough time . His father lent me even more when I thought I had nowhere to turn . I paid them both back and with interest , although his father waived the interest part away like a small fly . It had taken a long time , but his father and I had become friends . I don 't think it had anything to do with the skinny - dipping that followed the use of his sauna , but it might have been what swayed him my way . Everyone knew the family 's island retreats were based on a clothing optional basis - except for me . A round of applause went up the day I finally threw caution to the wind along with my shyness and left my bathing suit behind . However , in the sixth year of the relationship , I was so involved with my business and trying to get ahead that I spent little time at the cottage . I heard about the different ' female ' visitors the bartender had over the summer months , but I tried my best to ignore it . When fall came around again - so did the beatings . He again took up residence in the spare room and we avoided each other as much as we could . One day - after a particularly silent meal he asked me why I was still living there . I told him it was because he had asked me to marry him . He said " I don 't remember doing that . " I thought his denials were the last thing I could handle but there was more to come . One evening I returned home and heard voices coming from the spare room . I stood in the doorway and listened to the high giggles and the low laughter that seeped out under the door and felt a huge pang in my heart . I could tell from the sounds what was going on . The sounds stopped momentarily when I slammed the door , but they took up again as I rummaged in my bedroom for a few necessities before I left again . I slept on a bed of wool in my store that night and my hands shook uncontrollably all through the following day . When IPosted by I worked hard in my little store , trying to pay the rent to my uncles and the rent I had to pay to the bartender . I refused to ask him for any money . Every day I would walk home enjoying the sights of that beautiful city - the old buildings , the train underpass I had to use twice a day , the memories of my youth here . When I climbed all those stairs I would invariably find that supper had not been made nor had any housework been done . I would find the bartender on the couch with the remote in one hand and his cigarette in the other . He never asked me how my day went but would launch into the world 's problems and then add his own rants and ravings . I didn 't have time to pay attention to what went on outside my own little space and I was dubbed a ' dummy ' - or someone ' he just couldn 't talk to ' . Of course it was then up to me to do the ' little woman ' stuff and I would spend my evenings cooking then cleaning . As I look back through my journals I see the beatings continued regularly . All I had to do was look at him the wrong way - or get that ' look ' on my face - and he would beat me . I also note that as that year progressed I started to use the word ' hate ' when I wrote about him . The love words were fewer and farther inbetween . Yet still I stayed and wished for romance and love . I wrote the following - " Go away . Leave me to float in these feelings . Waves of pain crash in amid the shoals of unhappiness . Somewhere in the debris along the bottom , my love tries desperately to swim to the top . Gasping for air , the weeds of insecurity trap my love and drag it under the surface again . Oh to break free of all that entangles and suffocates , and float in the sunshine of trust , sharing , happiness and your smile . Give me the breath of life and love with your lips . Fill my lungs and body with the warmth of you . Pump the stale waters of uncertainty out of my body and take my hand and walk with me into a land of peace . Forever . " One day , as I climbed those last 18 steps , I could hear him screamiPosted by My little battle with cancer had not been the first time the bartender had endured a major illness with me . During the first year of our relationship I had to have a hysterectomy . He did not spend much time with me during that either , and it is only now that I am wondering what he had been doing during that time . As the year of doing nothing slowly ticked away , so did my bank balance . With the bartender 's memory problem that had set in as soon as I acquired the money , it was easily spent . No wallet - could I pay for the gas for his car ? No wallet - could I pay for the meal . No wallet - and here we are out shopping for a gift for his family ! He 'll pay me back - sure . Before I sold my house I had bought a knitting machine and had fallen head over heels in love with it . I loved all kinds of knitting , and anything to do with wool . However , the one thing I couldn 't find was coned yarn to go with the knitting machine . With that in mind , and with the need to work looming over my head , I went to the bank and asked the loans manager for some money to help me set up a wool store . One thing I learned - when the loans manager asks you if you think you are asking for enough money - say no . It is never enough . Don 't be humble and shy - it doesn 't help in the long run . Money does . I then approached my uncles who owned the building where my Grandfather 's office was once located . His office sat empty and I could still envision what it looked like as a coal office , but better yet , I could imagine what it would look like as a wool store . They agreed to rent it to me cheaply and we set about building a store . I have no idea why , but the bartender and I were happy together during the building period . He had some good tools for working with wood and between the two of us we turned the small space into my first wool store . If I stood at the front door and looked across the tracks , I could see the hotel where I worked and watch my former customers go in and out . On the day I hung up the " Now Open " sign - I hoped aPosted by His brother arrived the next day and that helped with my wish to keep my distance from the stranger who had returned . They spent most of their days and all of their nights getting high with one drug or another . His brother ( another aspiring coke addict ) approached me before his departure and told me I had no right to be upset with the bartender 's actions while he was away . I smiled sweetly and silently prayed he would fall down the steps when he left . With the apartment to ourselves , the bartender decided it was time to get some action again and suggested I get into my lingerie and lie on the bed . I ran through all my options and realized that this was the best one . If I agreed , he 'd be easier to deal with if he was happy . He tied me to the bed and threw a sheet over me and left the apartment . When he came back , he came into the bedroom and pulled the sheet off me and stood staring at me before leaving again . I could hear him at the other end of the apartment and I almost jumped out of my skin when the phone rang . He chatted for almost an hour before he came back into the room . After he had his way with me , he put on his housecoat and went into the next room and watched tv . I was cold and wet and needed to pee , but the scarf he had tied around my mouth kept me quiet . He made something to eat and afterwards I could smell the pungent aroma of marijuana . Then he was back . I kept my eyes focused on his chain as it swung back and forth over my head and tried not to imagine his month in Amsterdam . Afterwards he put on his jeans and stood looking at me before sneering and leaving the room . I squealed into the gag when the knock sounded on the front door and my eyes widened with disbelief when he half - closed the bedroom door before letting in his best friend . They sat and talked in the living room for half an hour before the door was pushed open and his friend came into the room . He looked at me for a long time before he sat down beside me and removed the gag . " Everything okay ? " he asked as he stroked my hair and laims I picked up the phone and my fingers automatically dialed his number . " What is this ? " I asked as I riffled through all the notes I had gathered . " I came to the realization that I can 't live without you , " he said quietly with a catch in his voice . I let the silence swell to a tumultuous roar between us as I thought about all the beatings I had already suffered at the hands of this person . I listened to his breathing as he waited for me to say something , and it brought back some good memories and many bad . When I thought of the bad my brain wanted to shut down and I almost missed his first words when he spoke into the void that had stretched between us . " I 've had time to think since you walked away and I need to say some things to you . " I remained silent and strained to hear him over the sound of my heart hammering in my ears . " I 'm sorry Ani . Truly sorry . I 've done things to you that are unforgivable and these last few months have emphasized what you mean to me . I thought I could live without you , but I 've discovered that I can 't . More importantly - I don 't want to " . Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked around my near - empty house and I thought about the loss of all of my dreams . I remembered how excited and proud I had been when I bought the house and about all the work I had put into it . Then the memory of the pain I felt on the day it sold flooded in and took over . This man had forced me into running - and now here he was again . " What do you want from me ? " I whispered . " What I want is for you to think about forgiving me and to think about the good times . Then I want to come over and ask you that question you found on your pillow - in person . " Warning bells exploded in my brain and I shut them down . Someone inside my head shouted ' Don 't do it ! . ' Then , underneath all that clamor , I heard him blow his nose and sniffle loudly . I took a deep breath and wondered , really wondered , if I would regret my next words . " Would you like to come over ? " That night stretched through thPosted by Suddenly I was deep in the land of drugs and it was unfamiliar territory for me . I had watched multiple drug deals go down around me as I served beer and averted my eyes . Now I was part of it , and it felt so weird to be asking for a packet and handing over $ 120 . 00 each time . I lived for the weekend when we would try to make the little packet last , but the more you used it the more it took to get those first highs . Sometimes I gave in and smoked some marijuana and ' treated ' myself to the cocaine on the side . These highs were different - I felt more distant and not as close to the bartender . As time went by I developed a sore on the inside of my nose and the thought crossed my mind that I might be doing some serious damage . When we started snorting midweek I felt like I had lost all hope , but it was the only way I could face my life . I was so incredibly unhappy that I yearned for those false highs more and more . The bartender made me do all the buying , claiming he couldn 't get in touch with the dealers from his position behind the bar . It never occurred to me that he didn 't want to be the one who got caught . One day , near the end of my shift , I was approached by a customer who offered me a ' test ' of some pink cocaine . After I cashed out , I told the bartender I would see him later and drove off to the address I had been given . I never thought I would be in danger as I had known the fellows who had made the offer for many years . We sat around snorting some pink stuff and when I thought I had visited long enough , I headed home . I drew myself a bubble bath and lit some candles , then slipped in for a relaxing soak . It wasn 't long before the bartender called to inquire where I had gone off to . I tried to evade the question , but his bullying finally wore me down and I told him where I had been . He called me every dirty name he could think of and then some and I finally hung up on him and tried to relax in my bath . Within ten minutes I heard his key in the back door and he raced into the bathroom and pulled Posted by Faithful Readers - I was awake most of last night thinking about the past and about the task of putting it in words . This morning my stomach hurts and I feel queasy . This is incredibly hard to do . This blog is just a small peek into the maelstrom that was my life back then and I can 't imagine how I 'm going to feel when I get to that chapter in The Wailings . I have pushed myself away from my desk - come back - raked my hands through my hair - picked at my skin . If I appear to be struggling - I am . I try to block these memories most of the time because they are so hideous , and it is stressful and embarrassing knowing that I allowed this to happen . I will attempt to explain why I did as I go along . Again - this is my small inadequate attempt at reaching out to others who have been , or are going through this . I do not have the words to describe how scared I am that he will find out . I know exactly what he would do . I am still afraid of his anger . I was 27 years old and I had never touched illegal drugs in my entire life . My ex had succumbed to the pleasures of many and had paid with the price of a fried brain . The bartender was 10 years older than me , and loved his ' medicinal herbs ' . He grew and smoked marijuana regularly . He also liked his hashish oil and LSD on occasion . I couldn 't see the attraction and was afraid of addiction . The bar where we worked was one of the hubs for dealing drugs . You could get anything you wanted in there , or you could ask me for a drink . Not only did the local Mafia run drugs but also the biker gangs that controlled the strippers . I once wiped off a table of what I thought was spilled salt arranged in lovely little straight lines . The customers had wandered for a brief moment , and I came along ( that good cleaning ethic instilled in me by my mother ) and wiped down the whole table . What a hullabaloo that followed ! Another time I inadvertently blew the cover of an undercover cop . I felt so bad - he had obviously been working on the drug bust for a long time . One night Iaims Last night I got out my journals from that time and read through them again . I remember writing them like it was yesterday , when in fact it was the early 80 's . What I remember the most was that I wrote them with the knowledge that he read them daily , and because of that they are more like letters to him , than my own place to vent my life . I know you are thinking that they must be interesting to read , but in reality they are a repetition of my cry for love and my denial of reality . I waited for the ' honeymoon ' to resume after this abrupt break - but it never did . And while I waited I tried to monitor everything I did to ensure that I wouldn 't be ' deserving ' of another slap . I know I never once thought he reminded me of my father . Not then . I was still so infatuated with him - so utterly consumed with wanting him to want me . From that moment at the beach he started holding me at arms length , granting me the favor of his attention , his body , his disdainful love . Before that time it had been an equal sharing , a romance , a discovery of each other . It was right around then the Police came out with a song - " I 'll be watching you " . The words went - Oh can 't you see , You belong to me ~ ~ ~ Every move you make , Every step you take , I 'll be watching you . He loved this song . It also was a popular song for strippers to dance to . I 'd be serving customers while the strippers peeled to this song and look up and he would have hoisted himself up behind his bar and would be watching me and pointing at me - mouthing the words . At first I thought it was cute , but it embarrassed me the customers were watching . He was making sure that everyone knew I was his . And - he was making sure I knew I had to toe the line . Or else . When you work in a bar , any bar , you develop a type of friendship with your customers . I had my favorites - nice guys who came in for a drink at lunch or after work , just to relax and spend some time with their friends . It was a popular bar , one of the few in Ontario where the strippePosted by |
I am taking you now to the first chapter of The Wailings - my book in progress - as it is easier to use this to describe the upcoming events in my life and it also helps define some quotes I will be using in later posts . Please note that this will be done in two different parts as it is a little long . Also , please note that the event I first describe has not happened . It is fiction . The Wailings She sat there quietly staring at the jumble of paperwork on the desk in front of her . Her attention was elsewhere , her eyes distant and shuttered . To the people who browsed through the multicolored apparel displayed in the showroom that fronted on her office , it was a day like all the rest in their lives . But to the woman who sat at the desk , it was a day she had long expected and dreaded . The phone sprang into life and jerked her back to her position at the desk . " Fashion Gallery , " she answered . " Just what do you think you 're doing ? " hissed a voice into her ear . " I already told you that I wouldn 't be there , " she replied quietly . The voice coming through the phone was a strange mixture of sorrow and ice . " I 've been saying for a long time now that there 's something wrong with you , and look what you 're doing to prove it ! " There was a moment 's hesitation as the woman at the desk pictured in her mind the person on the other end of the line . For as long as she could remember , her mother had always looked the same . She was barely five feet tall and quite stout . Her hair was a silvery white and fine , like her own . She had blue eyes that seemed suited to a kindly grandmother and belied the nerve and fervor with which she had conducted her life . She hid those traits behind large glasses that had become a part of her face in her early years . At nearly 70 , her mother was a small immovable mountain . " Look Mom . Jerome - or - Dad - - he died for me a long time ago and I buried him then . I won 't be there today to watch him be buried again . " " Well I hope you 're happy with the way you 're acting ! You 're jPosted by In the real world my friends scoffed at my online life and my mother rolled her eyes as I sat at my desk chattering away about what had happened the night before in the Parlor . She sneered openly when I received a tape cassette from Yak and glared at me when I ran to put it on the tape player . As the sounds of The Phantom Of The Opera eased out into the back workroom of the store - she turned away and pursed her lips . She tried to find out what was written on the card he had sent along , but I tucked it away and refused to speak about it . I knew it was hopeless , but somewhere down deep inside me I dreamed of the impossible . My mother 's scorn for my lonely life knew no bounds . Every day I took my nephew to school and arrived at the store at 8 : 20 . I then worked throughout the day without a proper lunch or coffee break . I never left the store unless it was on business . Many nights I worked until 11pm and then hurried home so I could find a friend in the chat room . My nephew would catch a ride with his grandma and look after himself once he was home . I didn 't have to baby - sit him and I was grateful . I tried everything I could to please my Mom - and nothing worked . It was never good enough . I met the men who responded to my ad in the Companions section of the newspaper in the mall . I figured that I was safe with a multitude of shoppers wandering around and that I could always feign a need to return to work immediately if I didn 't like the person . Even though I never was gone for more than 10 minutes , these meetings made my mother furious . I was wasting her money when she signed my paycheck - out gallivanting around the mall like a hussy . She was much like my father in that respect . She just didn 't want to see me with anyone . One day during a vehement argument , she raised her hand and drew it back as if to strike me . I looked her in the eyes and said " It wouldn 't be the first time , would it Mom . " She lowered her hand and turned away , unaware of the horrified stares of the staff . I was so embarrassed byPosted by Before I move on with my story , I would like to thank Potty Mummy for the wonderful award she gave me and for her own upbeat and hilarious recounting of daily life . The award looks very nice underneath my roaring lion and I am grateful . I went back to reading conversations for another couple of evenings before I dared to venture another comment . This time , instead of logging in as * A * - I logged in as Ani . I liked my character 's name and I felt emboldened by using it in a chat room . And , instead of just posting a comment , I made an entrance that made a statement . " Ani descended the long curving stairway as the light from the chandelier reflected from her red sequined dress . She walked slowly across the room and sat at the bar where she ordered ' the usual ' from the bartender . Her open - toed shoe hung seductively from her painted toenails as she crossed her legs and took a sip . Turning slowly , she surveyed the Parlor with her emerald green eyes . And waited . " It became my signature entrance and I never went unnoticed again . While I recovered from the fourth hernia repair I visited the chat room everyday . I was beginning to recognize the other visitors and got swept off my feet by Yak . Yak wined and dined me and twirled me around the dance floor , giving me that long seductive kiss as he gently bent me in our last dip . Every night , just as I logged on , I would put Michael Bolton on the cd player and advance it quickly to my favorite song . " I said I loved you but I Lied ( ' cause this is so much more I feel inside ) " . Ani would make her entrance and Yak would approach the bar , ask for my hand in the next dance , and twirl me across the dance floor . Behind me Michael crooned on - every word seeming to enhance Yak 's whisperings in my ear . Sometimes we went to a private room although in reality everyone just averted their eyes , or didn 't . Yak didn 't care who was watching or commenting . We were caught up in a world of our own . As the nights progressed , Yak and I became closer and I ended up emailing him my phaims My brother only smiled when I asked him how he had come across ' Bianca 's Smut Shack ' . I supposed then that what I didn 't know didn 't hurt me and I didn 't push it . When 11pm rolled around , I logged on and went to the chat room for a look around . I had never been in a ' chat room ' and I had no idea what to expect . I found different kinds of rooms , some interesting , some just too smutty for me . Over the next couple of nights I spent some time reading ' chats ' in the different rooms and finally settled on the Parlor . At first I just read the different conversations that were going on and tried to understand how the whole system worked . I could see there were people who seemed to know one another and had obviously been visiting this chat room for a long time . I was loath to offer a comment as I had the ridiculous idea that people could see me and would know it was me . I blushed furiously when I first commented and waited with baited breath to see what would be the reply . I was ignored completely . Everyone chatted on as if I didn 't exist . Mortification added to my embarrassment and I just wanted to sink through the floor . No one wanted to chat with me . This seemed to be the story of my life . I had been single for so long that I believed I would never find anyone . Even with Cid as my best friend - I was still lonely . I had taken out an ad in the big city paper in the ' Companions ' section in the hopes I would meet a man . The first man who answered my ad was ( unbeknownst to me ) cheating on his wife . What we soon discovered after a few dates ( according to him ) was that he was allergic to me and any exchange of body fluids gave him a rash . I kept looking . The second man I met was extremely good - looking and I was impressed . One evening I invited him home and showed him around my house . He was very interested in my closets and paid an enormous amount of attention to my clothes . He would take an outfit off the rod and hold it up as if viewing it against me before returning it and selecting another . He wePosted by Just a few ( humble ) words before I get on with the story . This weekend has been one of open - mouthed wonder for me . Sailing through blogland , I discovered three different people have been talking about me . And I am truly overwhelmed with their words . My first discovery came when I clicked on ColoursofDawn 's comment in my own comment section . My mouth fell open when I read her post about confessions for January 25 , 2008 . I was speechless when I finally recognized that she was talking about me . Then I went over to check on what is happening over at A Spot of T and this is what I found . ( go here ) I couldn 't believe what was being said . My next stop was at Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent and she said this and gave me this incredible award ! It now adorns my sidebar with much splendor underneath another powerful lion in his own right . Thank you all - ever so much - for these words and this award . And thank you to The Man for helping me with all this computer stuff . Posted by The big blue barn sits on what is considered a double lot . It is situated at the back of the lot so it is not easily seen from the street , and as shown in the pictures there are many large coniferous trees about . The original farmhouse is next door . The two houses were the original farm the town was built around . They are located two blocks from our ' downtown ' and are flanked by the United Church on the southeast corner and by the Church of the Nazarene on the southwest corner . Everyone in town knows the big blue barn and the farmhouse . The farmhouse use to be a way station between Calgary and Edmonton . Weary travelers would stop at the farmhouse and rent a room overnight before journeying on . They put up their horses in the barn which was built a few years after the farmhouse . I believe it was built in the 1890 's . After the way station - the farmhouse belonged to a doctor . The barn was converted in 1914 and belonged to a veterinarian . Later it was made into two apartments and the first floor was a garage . I was told there use to be a dumbwaiter that went from the first to the third floor but I have never found any indication of that existing . I have lived here for 13 years . Once the wiring was complete and the bank released the rest of the mortgage , I set about with the first of the renovations . I needed to insulate the entire house and I decided to do that from the inside out . That entailed pulling off all the cedar shingle . Under one of them I found a check for $ 23 , 000 . 00 . It was over 10 years old - so there was no way I could cash it . I had heard the eccentric alcoholic who lived here was wealthy . In fact , the mall where our store was located was named after his family . The mall was located on what had been their large farm and they had made their money from selling portions of their land to the city . The mall and the store were in the big city - a 20 - minute drive north of the little town where I live . Not wanting to take my nephew out of the good high school he was in - and because I worked in tPosted by For everything that was wrong with my family , it was more than right with my brother . We have had a friendship that goes beyond brother and sister . We are closer than close . There is only one person who sits higher than my brother in my mind and that is ' The Man ' . The day following the initial viewing of the barn I was back with my brother in tow . We went from room to room discussing what would need to be done and how we could do it . During our search we came across a board on the furnace room floor . When you lifted it there was a hole with a ladder in it and it went under the foundation . My brother took a flashlight and went down the ladder . He discovered a room built of cinder blocks with an air vent . This was right around the time of the notorious killings by Bernardo and Homolka and it was all I could think about when I envisioned the room my brother described . Needless to say - I have never been in it . After we examined the entire house , we went to a restaurant with the real estate agent and I put in an offer . My brother sat across the table as the paperwork was being completed . When it came time to say how much I would be offering as a down payment he calmly stated he would be lending me the 25 % that would cinch the deal . I could have kissed him , but he hates being touched or hugged . I spent an anxious day when we heard that miraculously - after four years - another offer had been presented at the same time as mine . I jumped with joy when I finally got the word that it was mine . On moving day the entire family showed up to help ! We packed every vehicle and truck we could find and moved it into the first floor of the barn . ( barns don 't have basements ) My mother took one look at my happy face and told me there were ghosts in this old building and they probably said ' Moo ' . When everyone had gone , my nephew and I got out our sleeping bags and set up camp in the dining room . It was the only room without that dirty shag carpeting and we slept there for a couple of weeks . My brother owns a white - wataims Together , my nephew and I proved the rest of the family wrong . He was mostly an A student and won awards in high school . When he realized how much I was struggling to support the both of us , he got a job after school to help with the finances . We are the best of friends . Living in the big city proved beneficial to the store and to my parents . When the alarm was triggered at the store - I was only 10 minutes away . Here , the police make the contact person go into the business first when there is an alarm ringing . They follow bravely behind with their guns and their handcuffs . Our store was highly sensored because of the fur coats and sometimes anyone walking in the mall would set it off . I hated those calls . One day I got the call that we had been robbed . When I arrived I found a trail of fur coats that went from inside our store and out into the mall and then through the store next to us . I had noticed two suspicious looking males in the store during the previous week and had asked them point - blank what they wanted . 32 fur coats later - I knew . While I was at the police station giving them a description - my mother was having a heart attack . I kept calling her to see how she was doing and became suspicious of her actions . After leaving the police station , I raced out to the farm with my cousin and nephew and found her collapsed . My father was angry with her at the time and hadn 't spoken to her in three months , so he was ignoring her and had gone out to the fields . We took her into the hospital where she remained for a week . My father was angry with me for living with my cousin and he wasn 't talking to me either - but I called him from the hospital and let him know what I thought of his actions . It didn 't help our situation but he didn 't leave my mother 's side while she was in the hospital . When the end of my first year 's rent was approaching , I decided I had had enough of paying a stranger 's mortgage . Working for a family business often means you do it out of love instead of financial gain . My wPosted by You would think all would be well in my life after finally getting away from The Beater . However , that was just not the way it was to be . I lived on my parent 's farm in an old mobile home I had bought and had moved onto their property . I connected it with an old mobile home they had lived in while they built their home that looked out across the plains of Alberta and to the majestic Rockies . I spent my first few months renovating and getting things to work , trying to make sure there wasn 't a leak where the homes joined . That first summer I worked for the government at a dam as an interpreter and a receptionist . When that job ended I moved on to a cashier 's job in a local grocery store . That came to an abrupt end when my mother became ill and I was asked to help out in the family business . I was reluctant to do this , as my younger sister - who already worked there - had made it obvious that she would not be happy with that arrangement . Working with family can be a two - edged sword - you either get along well because you know how the other works - or you don 't get along at all . Just plain old sibling rivalry . My sister tried to get my mother to fire me numerous times and when that didn 't work she finally quit herself . That eased tensions in the business and with my mother as well . Back on the farm , my father was friendly enough with me until I started dating . When I did , he immediately stopped speaking to me and would ignore me if I were in the room . I learned to live with this , and would force him into a conversation when I was feeling on top of the world . Usually I came away from these trials feeling much lower than when I went in , but I would congratulate myself on making him talk to me . I dated a number of different men , and usually for all the wrong reasons . I ended up with my heart broken over and over - always wondering what was wrong with me . At work I put in hours and hours , trying to help the business and trying for parental approval . Sometimes I was still working at midnight , only to come iPosted by In 1996 my parents were in Toronto and they ran into the bartender . My mother described the meeting ' like talking to an old friend ' . I shuddered when she told me that . The bartender had married the best friend ( a stripper ) of his second wife ( also a stripper ) . When Mom told me - I immediately thought of that movie ' When Harry Met Sally ' . In the movie Sally flung herself on her bed and cried out " What about me ? Why didn 't he marry me ? " I didn 't fling myself on my bed - but I did think that - briefly . I have often wondered if she tamed his brutal ways - if he is still the same - or if he got it out of his system after me . I know they own a coffee shop in Toronto but I heard that he doesn 't spend much time working there - she does most of it . Of course . That sounds familiar to me . During the entire writing of this back - story I have called him ' the bartender ' . In my daily life I actually always refer to him as ' The Beater ' . But that would have given everything away if I had started the story with that . Writing this has been extremely hard for me - even though it is 20 years later . I have spent sleepless nights with anxiety filled days . When I wrote the final post to this story , ' The Man ' looked at me and said - " You look much happier - not stressed at all - what has happened ? " He then hugged me long and hard . Bless him . I live with a daily reminder of those beatings with the chronic back pain I now have . The discs in the lower half of my spine have disintegrated and are collapsing outwards , pressing on the stuff that encircles the spine . Just this year they discovered that at sometime I had broken a rib . I wouldn 't have noticed with everything that was going on back then . Some days , like today , the pain is so intense that I can 't seem to get away from it or take a deep breath . The pain will only increase as I age and my body breaks down further , and I am thankful for the discovery of painkillers . But there is little help for the mental pain . I know I will have to Posted by My uncle had built me a one - bedroom apartment . It contained a small fridge and a hotplate and I had my own bathroom with a shower in the laundry room . I was on cloud nine . He didn 't ask me to pay rent for the first two months while I got myself settled and physically recovered . Then he charged me $ 140 a month . He saved my life . My aunt and uncle welcomed me into their home and I spent many happy evenings upstairs visiting with them as well as enjoying my own apartment . We developed a routine where we would all go for a walk after our suppers . Most of the time it was just my uncle and myself , but sometimes my aunt joined in . My uncle and I talked of everything under the sun , and eventually , over many walks , he learned of my six years of abuse with the bartender . How my uncle wished that I had told him sooner , but I had always thought the bartender would go back to being that romantic and kind person he had been in the first few months . One day I got a call from the bartender 's father and he asked me to join him that evening for supper if I didn 't have any other plans . I was quite nervous when I met up with him at his favorite restaurant , but that soon vanished as he put me at my ease . We chatted throughout the meal and for a short time afterwards , and he asked if I would mind if he called me again . I told him I would be delighted to be his dinner partner any time he wanted . We went out for supper many times while he was in town on business and one night he offered me $ 5 , 000 to have sex with him . I was flattered and offended and I got up the nerve and told him so . I also told him how disappointed I was that he would think of me like that . Having had the son was more than enough . He apologized and explained how attractive I was to him , and then we moved on . The next time we went out for supper , we finally brought up the subject of his son . I broke down and cried and told him about all the beatings . He was horrified and angry and I felt better . I then told him about the episode when his son had raved about the fatPosted by The growing pains that go with a growing business can be harsh and need immediate attention or they take the business down . The bartender 's mother lent me money to help during one particularly rough time . His father lent me even more when I thought I had nowhere to turn . I paid them both back and with interest , although his father waived the interest part away like a small fly . It had taken a long time , but his father and I had become friends . I don 't think it had anything to do with the skinny - dipping that followed the use of his sauna , but it might have been what swayed him my way . Everyone knew the family 's island retreats were based on a clothing optional basis - except for me . A round of applause went up the day I finally threw caution to the wind along with my shyness and left my bathing suit behind . However , in the sixth year of the relationship , I was so involved with my business and trying to get ahead that I spent little time at the cottage . I heard about the different ' female ' visitors the bartender had over the summer months , but I tried my best to ignore it . When fall came around again - so did the beatings . He again took up residence in the spare room and we avoided each other as much as we could . One day - after a particularly silent meal he asked me why I was still living there . I told him it was because he had asked me to marry him . He said " I don 't remember doing that . " I thought his denials were the last thing I could handle but there was more to come . One evening I returned home and heard voices coming from the spare room . I stood in the doorway and listened to the high giggles and the low laughter that seeped out under the door and felt a huge pang in my heart . I could tell from the sounds what was going on . The sounds stopped momentarily when I slammed the door , but they took up again as I rummaged in my bedroom for a few necessities before I left again . I slept on a bed of wool in my store that night and my hands shook uncontrollably all through the following day . When IPosted by I worked hard in my little store , trying to pay the rent to my uncles and the rent I had to pay to the bartender . I refused to ask him for any money . Every day I would walk home enjoying the sights of that beautiful city - the old buildings , the train underpass I had to use twice a day , the memories of my youth here . When I climbed all those stairs I would invariably find that supper had not been made nor had any housework been done . I would find the bartender on the couch with the remote in one hand and his cigarette in the other . He never asked me how my day went but would launch into the world 's problems and then add his own rants and ravings . I didn 't have time to pay attention to what went on outside my own little space and I was dubbed a ' dummy ' - or someone ' he just couldn 't talk to ' . Of course it was then up to me to do the ' little woman ' stuff and I would spend my evenings cooking then cleaning . As I look back through my journals I see the beatings continued regularly . All I had to do was look at him the wrong way - or get that ' look ' on my face - and he would beat me . I also note that as that year progressed I started to use the word ' hate ' when I wrote about him . The love words were fewer and farther inbetween . Yet still I stayed and wished for romance and love . I wrote the following - " Go away . Leave me to float in these feelings . Waves of pain crash in amid the shoals of unhappiness . Somewhere in the debris along the bottom , my love tries desperately to swim to the top . Gasping for air , the weeds of insecurity trap my love and drag it under the surface again . Oh to break free of all that entangles and suffocates , and float in the sunshine of trust , sharing , happiness and your smile . Give me the breath of life and love with your lips . Fill my lungs and body with the warmth of you . Pump the stale waters of uncertainty out of my body and take my hand and walk with me into a land of peace . Forever . " One day , as I climbed those last 18 steps , I could hear him screamiPosted by My little battle with cancer had not been the first time the bartender had endured a major illness with me . During the first year of our relationship I had to have a hysterectomy . He did not spend much time with me during that either , and it is only now that I am wondering what he had been doing during that time . As the year of doing nothing slowly ticked away , so did my bank balance . With the bartender 's memory problem that had set in as soon as I acquired the money , it was easily spent . No wallet - could I pay for the gas for his car ? No wallet - could I pay for the meal . No wallet - and here we are out shopping for a gift for his family ! He 'll pay me back - sure . Before I sold my house I had bought a knitting machine and had fallen head over heels in love with it . I loved all kinds of knitting , and anything to do with wool . However , the one thing I couldn 't find was coned yarn to go with the knitting machine . With that in mind , and with the need to work looming over my head , I went to the bank and asked the loans manager for some money to help me set up a wool store . One thing I learned - when the loans manager asks you if you think you are asking for enough money - say no . It is never enough . Don 't be humble and shy - it doesn 't help in the long run . Money does . I then approached my uncles who owned the building where my Grandfather 's office was once located . His office sat empty and I could still envision what it looked like as a coal office , but better yet , I could imagine what it would look like as a wool store . They agreed to rent it to me cheaply and we set about building a store . I have no idea why , but the bartender and I were happy together during the building period . He had some good tools for working with wood and between the two of us we turned the small space into my first wool store . If I stood at the front door and looked across the tracks , I could see the hotel where I worked and watch my former customers go in and out . On the day I hung up the " Now Open " sign - I hoped aPosted by His brother arrived the next day and that helped with my wish to keep my distance from the stranger who had returned . They spent most of their days and all of their nights getting high with one drug or another . His brother ( another aspiring coke addict ) approached me before his departure and told me I had no right to be upset with the bartender 's actions while he was away . I smiled sweetly and silently prayed he would fall down the steps when he left . With the apartment to ourselves , the bartender decided it was time to get some action again and suggested I get into my lingerie and lie on the bed . I ran through all my options and realized that this was the best one . If I agreed , he 'd be easier to deal with if he was happy . He tied me to the bed and threw a sheet over me and left the apartment . When he came back , he came into the bedroom and pulled the sheet off me and stood staring at me before leaving again . I could hear him at the other end of the apartment and I almost jumped out of my skin when the phone rang . He chatted for almost an hour before he came back into the room . After he had his way with me , he put on his housecoat and went into the next room and watched tv . I was cold and wet and needed to pee , but the scarf he had tied around my mouth kept me quiet . He made something to eat and afterwards I could smell the pungent aroma of marijuana . Then he was back . I kept my eyes focused on his chain as it swung back and forth over my head and tried not to imagine his month in Amsterdam . Afterwards he put on his jeans and stood looking at me before sneering and leaving the room . I squealed into the gag when the knock sounded on the front door and my eyes widened with disbelief when he half - closed the bedroom door before letting in his best friend . They sat and talked in the living room for half an hour before the door was pushed open and his friend came into the room . He looked at me for a long time before he sat down beside me and removed the gag . " Everything okay ? " he asked as he stroked my hair and laims I picked up the phone and my fingers automatically dialed his number . " What is this ? " I asked as I riffled through all the notes I had gathered . " I came to the realization that I can 't live without you , " he said quietly with a catch in his voice . I let the silence swell to a tumultuous roar between us as I thought about all the beatings I had already suffered at the hands of this person . I listened to his breathing as he waited for me to say something , and it brought back some good memories and many bad . When I thought of the bad my brain wanted to shut down and I almost missed his first words when he spoke into the void that had stretched between us . " I 've had time to think since you walked away and I need to say some things to you . " I remained silent and strained to hear him over the sound of my heart hammering in my ears . " I 'm sorry Ani . Truly sorry . I 've done things to you that are unforgivable and these last few months have emphasized what you mean to me . I thought I could live without you , but I 've discovered that I can 't . More importantly - I don 't want to " . Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked around my near - empty house and I thought about the loss of all of my dreams . I remembered how excited and proud I had been when I bought the house and about all the work I had put into it . Then the memory of the pain I felt on the day it sold flooded in and took over . This man had forced me into running - and now here he was again . " What do you want from me ? " I whispered . " What I want is for you to think about forgiving me and to think about the good times . Then I want to come over and ask you that question you found on your pillow - in person . " Warning bells exploded in my brain and I shut them down . Someone inside my head shouted ' Don 't do it ! . ' Then , underneath all that clamor , I heard him blow his nose and sniffle loudly . I took a deep breath and wondered , really wondered , if I would regret my next words . " Would you like to come over ? " That night stretched through thPosted by Suddenly I was deep in the land of drugs and it was unfamiliar territory for me . I had watched multiple drug deals go down around me as I served beer and averted my eyes . Now I was part of it , and it felt so weird to be asking for a packet and handing over $ 120 . 00 each time . I lived for the weekend when we would try to make the little packet last , but the more you used it the more it took to get those first highs . Sometimes I gave in and smoked some marijuana and ' treated ' myself to the cocaine on the side . These highs were different - I felt more distant and not as close to the bartender . As time went by I developed a sore on the inside of my nose and the thought crossed my mind that I might be doing some serious damage . When we started snorting midweek I felt like I had lost all hope , but it was the only way I could face my life . I was so incredibly unhappy that I yearned for those false highs more and more . The bartender made me do all the buying , claiming he couldn 't get in touch with the dealers from his position behind the bar . It never occurred to me that he didn 't want to be the one who got caught . One day , near the end of my shift , I was approached by a customer who offered me a ' test ' of some pink cocaine . After I cashed out , I told the bartender I would see him later and drove off to the address I had been given . I never thought I would be in danger as I had known the fellows who had made the offer for many years . We sat around snorting some pink stuff and when I thought I had visited long enough , I headed home . I drew myself a bubble bath and lit some candles , then slipped in for a relaxing soak . It wasn 't long before the bartender called to inquire where I had gone off to . I tried to evade the question , but his bullying finally wore me down and I told him where I had been . He called me every dirty name he could think of and then some and I finally hung up on him and tried to relax in my bath . Within ten minutes I heard his key in the back door and he raced into the bathroom and pulled Posted by Faithful Readers - I was awake most of last night thinking about the past and about the task of putting it in words . This morning my stomach hurts and I feel queasy . This is incredibly hard to do . This blog is just a small peek into the maelstrom that was my life back then and I can 't imagine how I 'm going to feel when I get to that chapter in The Wailings . I have pushed myself away from my desk - come back - raked my hands through my hair - picked at my skin . If I appear to be struggling - I am . I try to block these memories most of the time because they are so hideous , and it is stressful and embarrassing knowing that I allowed this to happen . I will attempt to explain why I did as I go along . Again - this is my small inadequate attempt at reaching out to others who have been , or are going through this . I do not have the words to describe how scared I am that he will find out . I know exactly what he would do . I am still afraid of his anger . I was 27 years old and I had never touched illegal drugs in my entire life . My ex had succumbed to the pleasures of many and had paid with the price of a fried brain . The bartender was 10 years older than me , and loved his ' medicinal herbs ' . He grew and smoked marijuana regularly . He also liked his hashish oil and LSD on occasion . I couldn 't see the attraction and was afraid of addiction . The bar where we worked was one of the hubs for dealing drugs . You could get anything you wanted in there , or you could ask me for a drink . Not only did the local Mafia run drugs but also the biker gangs that controlled the strippers . I once wiped off a table of what I thought was spilled salt arranged in lovely little straight lines . The customers had wandered for a brief moment , and I came along ( that good cleaning ethic instilled in me by my mother ) and wiped down the whole table . What a hullabaloo that followed ! Another time I inadvertently blew the cover of an undercover cop . I felt so bad - he had obviously been working on the drug bust for a long time . One night Iaims Last night I got out my journals from that time and read through them again . I remember writing them like it was yesterday , when in fact it was the early 80 's . What I remember the most was that I wrote them with the knowledge that he read them daily , and because of that they are more like letters to him , than my own place to vent my life . I know you are thinking that they must be interesting to read , but in reality they are a repetition of my cry for love and my denial of reality . I waited for the ' honeymoon ' to resume after this abrupt break - but it never did . And while I waited I tried to monitor everything I did to ensure that I wouldn 't be ' deserving ' of another slap . I know I never once thought he reminded me of my father . Not then . I was still so infatuated with him - so utterly consumed with wanting him to want me . From that moment at the beach he started holding me at arms length , granting me the favor of his attention , his body , his disdainful love . Before that time it had been an equal sharing , a romance , a discovery of each other . It was right around then the Police came out with a song - " I 'll be watching you " . The words went - Oh can 't you see , You belong to me ~ ~ ~ Every move you make , Every step you take , I 'll be watching you . He loved this song . It also was a popular song for strippers to dance to . I 'd be serving customers while the strippers peeled to this song and look up and he would have hoisted himself up behind his bar and would be watching me and pointing at me - mouthing the words . At first I thought it was cute , but it embarrassed me the customers were watching . He was making sure that everyone knew I was his . And - he was making sure I knew I had to toe the line . Or else . When you work in a bar , any bar , you develop a type of friendship with your customers . I had my favorites - nice guys who came in for a drink at lunch or after work , just to relax and spend some time with their friends . It was a popular bar , one of the few in Ontario where the strippePosted by |
I 've been saving up for a new car for a couple of years because my poor car was hanging on by a thread . I was hoping to eventually save up enough money to buy whichever car I chose straight out , because I 'd gotten very used to not having a car payment ! Unfortunately , my convertible was beginning to do some things that made me wonder if it was going to last long enough for me to save up the whole thing , which would have taken me a couple more years . Shakes , creaks , and bits falling off I can handle , but once the air conditioner starting skipping out on me , all that went out of the window . Maybe it makes me a huge weenie , maybe it doesn 't , but air conditioning is essential when you live in Devil 's Buttcrack , Alabama , where it 's 6 inches closer to hell than anyplace else on earth . No , seriously , that 's the town slogan . Monday night , Steve and I began looking online for some of the new cars I was interested in , but I got discouraged with how much the cars cost . I mean , I know cars cost a lot of money , and I was prepared for that , but it seemed like anytime we found a car I liked and maybe changed a paint color , or wanted an automatic transmission , it was adding on thousands of dollars over what I could afford . Sigh . We stopped looking at the new cars and began looking at the " certified pre - owned " cars at the different dealers around town . Most of them were either way older than I wanted , or way more expensive than I wanted to pay for a used car , but one caught my eye . I 'd never considered a Volkswagen ( unless I could get one of those Mystery Machine type vans , and I 'd still totally get one of those if I could ) but out of curiosity I checked out their website and they had a 2016 Jetta that had several nice add ons for a very , very reasonable price . It had 41 , 445 miles on it , but it had gone through the official check and had a great warranty , so we decided to check it out in person . My boss was so excited . He loooooooooves wheeling and dealing with sales people , and so he spent the first half of the day giving me pointers on how to pay lots less than they were asking on the car if I decided to get it . He even called me on his way home to make sure that I " had my game face on . " Heh . I assured him I did , but I 'm not like him . The man can walk into Wal - Mart and get a discount on something because he doesn 't want to pay retail price , but I 'm not that aggressive . However , I figured I could do a bit of haggling . We got to the place and test drove the car , and is there anything more nerve wracking than test driving a car in after work traffic ? Add to that , that the windshield was covered in stickers and papers , and I 'm just lucky that I made it to where we went and back ! It drove well , had some nice get up and go , and after I figured out how to adjust the seat and steering wheel , I decided that I liked it fine . Maybe it wasn 't exactly what I set out to get , but it was nice , and I couldn 't find anything wrong with it . We got back to the dealership and sat down , and I was all prepared to start to haggle over the price , but Steve . . . bless him , he wanted me to have a more reliable car so badly . . . tried to do it for me . When they wouldn 't give him the price he asked for , he caved and agreed to everything . I did interject and manage to get a little bit of money off . Not a lot , but still a little is better than nothing ! ( My boss was disgusted and wished he could have gone with me . I probably would have walked out of there with them paying me to take it , that 's just how good he is . ) I also had to trade in Lois , my convertible . Bless her heart , she was a good car that held on for a long time , but she was in bad shape . They were only able to give me $ 750 . 00 trade in value on her , and that was being generous . I checked Kelly Blue Book to make sure , and what they gave me was more than it was worth on there . At any rate , now I 'm the proud owner of a car that was made in this decade ! It doesn 't seem to leak , I 'm certain that the door doesn 't hold water when it rains , air doesn 't hiss through various cracks and crevices so loud that you have to shout when you talk , and so far it doesn 't sound like it 's cracking apart when I drive over bumps ! Also , I can play music from my phone on the radio ! That probably doesn 't sound like much to you , but for someone who had to make mixed CDs up until early last year ( when the CD player quit working in the Seabring and trapped a CD of " Let It Go " in it 's guts ) it 's fun to listen to music I choose ! The only downside of it is if I want to sneakily play a little Marvin Gaye , the name of the song pops up on the LCD screen before the first guitar licks of " Let 's Get It On " even come on . Tsk , tsk , tsk . . . I 'm also trying to name the car . It 's just a thing I do , so don 't judge me . I put a poll on Facebook for help choosing , but we 've narrowed it down to these : Joan Jetta , Jetta James , Jetta Li , Kenny " The Jetta " Smith ( which is not named after my own personal Kenny Smith , but after the basketball player turned commentator on TNT ) or The Cranberry . So far Joan Jetta is winning , but as of now the car has no name . If any of you fine folks have a recommendation , I 'd be glad to hear it . Anyway , here is a picture ! My brother is not doing well . He has been in the hospital since Friday night , and his body just doesn 't seem to want to work the way it 's supposed to . So far , nothing the doctors have tried is working to make him any better . He 's being fed through an IV , and that 's about all they can do right now . I 'm worried about him . I don 't want him to be scared or in pain . I 'm worried about my mother , because she is doing everything she can to get him well again , and she won 't leave his side longer than an hour at a time and she is stressed beyond reason . There 's nothing I can do , and it feels so helpless . I don 't even know how to pray about it . It 's too much . Every time the phone rings I 'm expecting awful news . I feel guilty every time I eat because I know he can 't . I don 't know what to do . There 's nothing I can do . I haven 't been talking much about my brother because up until a few days ago , everything was fine . He wasn 't eating much , but the doctor said that was to be expected . We assumed that after a few months , he would get back to whatever new normal that his surgery would allow . For the past few days he 's been sick . Not terrible , but not great . I saw him yesterday when I was out that way , and he seemed OK , even though he hadn 't been eating much . My mom told me about him feeling sick , and she was worried , but he 'd just been to the doctor a week before , so again , we assumed it was normal . Today they had to take him back to the hospital because he wasn 't getting any better and he couldn 't eat at all . Some tests they did show that his surgery came undone , and now he 's back in the same shape he was before . According to my mother , there isn 't anything they can do for him now . To try and redo the surgery is too risky , so they are going to send him home and hope for the best . If he can 't eat , then the best isn 't so great , is it ? I don 't really know what to say about any of this except that it sucks . Again , please send prayers and good vibes towards my mom and brother . I 'm not sure what will happened from here on , but I know this is going to be very stressful and difficult . Thanks in advance . I dressed carefully . I slid on the new , navy blue dress that I 'd bought for a special occasion , but today it would be serving as a mourning dress . I suppose a funeral is still a special occasion , but not the one I had intended the dress for . I had to be careful about the jewelry I chose , because so much of what I have is big and flashy and inappropriate . Luckily I found something subdued , my earrings and bracelet both reflected the occasion , having tear shaped pendants attached . I only realized the significance later on . I drove back to my home town , if you can call where I 'm from a town . I 've been gone from there 17 years , but driving the old roads that I traveled so much when I was a teenager is still second nature . I know where I 'm going without even thinking about it . Things have changed , of course , but not a lot . In places like that , change isn 't much of a priority . I arrived at the church , which I 'd been to before . Half the people I grew up with had attended it at one time or another so I was familiar with where I was . I walked through a smattering of people , somber men and women and teenaged boys wearing football jerseys , and was ushered inside by the same smiling man that had presided over my own father 's funeral almost 10 years ago . He hadn 't aged very much . I thought I was running late , but the crowd inside was sparse . Not knowing the man who sat by the coffin , I found a seat in the back of the church where I would be out of the way , not wanting to intrude on the people who had known the deceased better than I had . I hadn 't been sitting long before I felt someone walk up behind me and put their hand on the pew . When I looked up , I saw my friend . His eyes were red and his face was swollen , but that was to be expected . His mother had passed away after a long battle with cancer . However , it 's clear that even when you know death is inevitable , the knowledge doesn 't dull the pain . I stood and wrapped my arms around him tightly , hoping , in my way , that I could squeeze away some of the hurt . My immediate question was " How are you doing ? " which we both had a quick laugh about . He wasn 't doing great , obviously , but it seems like that is the question you ask first , no matter what the situation , doesn 't it ? We stood in the back of the church and talked for quite a while . How long had it been since we 'd done that ? I 'd met him in the band room one random day a hundred years ago . He was a tall , skinny kid who played the bass drum and suffered from Pectus Excavatum . Me , in my unfailing tactlessness , made a silly joke about his sunken chest and despite my bad taste , from that minute on we were fast friends . That 's how it was with him . He was easy to know and easy to love , and I did love him fiercely in the way one does when a friend becomes more like family than anything else . Of course , knowing how way leads on to way , we lost touch after I graduated high school . I 've seen him twice , maybe three times since , but I 've always attacked him with a hug because to me , at least , nothing ever changed . We talked of other things than his mother , catching up , and I hoped that taking his mind off of the elephant in the room for just a few minutes might help . I never really know if that 's the case , but we joked and chuckled for a bit as more people came in . The service was lovely and full of music . His mother was a wonderful lady . I remember her as a top notch " band mom " who was at every band camp , football game and competition . She gave of her self tirelessly , taking us all in as her kids at one point or another . She worked hard to make sure we had what we needed and helped where she could . She loved our school , and had more school spirit than most of the students . Her grandsons played football and she was very involved in the booster club . In fact , her pall bearers were all football players and the two coaches . She was loved at the school . Her fight with cancer was long and hard , and after a year of remission , it came back with a vengeance . I sent her hats that I 'd made so that she could keep warm during her treatments . Her final days were painful and her family rallied around her , but ultimately she passed away in her sleep , surrounded by the people she loved and cared about . You can 't really ask for more than that , can you ? When the service was over , we watched as her casket was wheeled out of the church and the procession headed towards her burial plot . I didn 't accompany them , feeling that I didn 't really belong at the more intimate service . I feel bad that I didn 't get a chance to say goodbye to my friend , but I was glad that I 'd been able to see him and offer what tiny but of comfort I could . Funerals are hard . They are like parties you desperately don 't want to attend , but can 't get out of . I used to never go to them , but in recent years I 've come to understand that the support you give those left behind can be a lifeline to someone who is hurting . Chances are , they will never remember who didn 't come , but they 'll remember the person to hugged them , who encouraged them , who made them smile , and the person who breaks through the shell of sadness and makes them laugh a little , even when their heart is hurting . I hope I managed to do some good today , even if it was just a little bit . As I drove back towards home , I thought about my friend and his family , and how they are going to have to heal from their loss , and I thought about all the people who 'd been there to show their love and support . I know that ultimately , with all of those that gathered around them in their time of need , they 'll eventually find peace . One of the " pleasures " of living in the hot and humid south is that we have a certain type of wildlife that thrives in all the nooks and crannies of almost every building , every tree stump , in every tangle of vines and under every rock . They go by several names : Water Bugs , Palmetto Bugs , the American Cockroach , but usually I just refer to them as the unholy bastard bugs straight from Satan 's anus . I hate them with a passion that I don 't think I could adequately put into words , and for your sake , I won 't even try . Just imagine a series of guttural , spitty , choking noises and rude finger gestures and that will be close enough . Two nights ago , Steve and I were sitting in the living room when Steve suddenly says " What is that ? " The fact that movement caught his attention while he was absorbed in whatever it was he was watching on television should tell you something . I looked up from my reading and saw what looked like a slipper scrabbling wildly near the door . It had , unfortunately , made it 's way through the side of the door where the cat has shredded the weather stripping , leaving a gap . It was possibly the largest waterbug I 've ever seen , and trust me , I work in an old building and have seen some shit . I sat up in my chair far enough to realize that me going after said bug was an impossibility , due to the fact that I 'm certain it had the size and strength to tackle me to the ground , and so it became Steve 's job to get rid of it . He did , after a fashion . I 'm not sure if he killed it with the Swiffer he wielded , or if he had to hold it at gunpoint and threaten the life of its children if it didn 't leave , ( I was cowering in my chair and didn 't see ) but the mutant bug was driven out of the house and out into the night . Afterwards I liberally sprayed the doorway with a bug poison supposedly so powerful that it is only required to be applied once a year . I use it more than that , just in case , because I live in fear of rolling up on one of those bugs in my house . Our house is old , so yes , it happens occasionally . I knew that I 'd probably be seeing some of that bug 's unholy brethren at some point , but I assumed that it would be in the house or in the garage . I was not expecting to find one of them in my car . I don 't think I need to state that our cars should be a good place . Sure , maybe we always run the risk of accidents when we drive them , but aside from that , the interior of our vehicles should be a haven where we can have a bit of quiet after a stressful day , where we can sing to our favorite music loudly and without shame , and where we can unabashedly eat french fries by shoving our faces directly into a greasy paper bag so that we don 't get our hands messy . It should be a safe place , but now my safe space has been ruined . When I was leaving for work , I opened the door to my car and another huge waterbug scurried around the frame of my door . I know it wasn 't happy to be discovered , because I 'm almost positive I heard it curse under it 's breath . I stood frozen , nothing to protect myself with but my soft sided lunchbox , and wondered what to do . I kicked at it , granted not the best action since I was wearing soft toed shoes , but instead of leaping to the driveway and running towards freedom , it ran across the door frame and disappeared . It ran so fast I couldn 't tell where it went ! I stood there for a moment , wondering if I should just call in sick to work and torch the car to be safe , but that seemed to be a bit excessive . I still didn 't want to get in the car until the bug was found , but unless I felt like disassembling the whole car , I had no choice . I started kicking the car , hoping that it would scare the little hastared out of hiding , but no giant bug emerged . I finally had to get in and go . The whole ride to work I just knew that thing would find it 's way out of hiding and crawl up my pants leg . If that had happened , I 'd have either wrecked the car , or there would be reports of a pantsless women screaming and running through the church parking lot ( although to be fair , I 'm sure that happens at least once a week in this neighborhood . ) I made it to work with no incident and parked my car in a parking spot that I hope remains so exposed to the sun that anything alive in the car will spontaneously combust , but since roaches and the like can withstand nuclear fall out , I 'm not sure it will even get uncomfortable . My car is visible in the security feed , and I keep expecting to see the thing hot wire my car and drive off into the sunset . So now , here I sit , knowing that today is a Wednesday which means I won 't be getting back into the car until almost sundown , and in the shadows of the waning day , I may be getting back into a car where the disgusting vermin is hiding , waiting on me to get inside and shut the door so that it can exact it 's revenge on me for my past , bug - killing actions . If my car is found empty , on the side of the road somewhere between church and home , you 'll know the thing attacked and won . Don 't let him get away with it ! We had to get up at the butt crack of dawn this morning so that we could be on time for our plane . I am not a fan of super early flights , but what are you going to do ? That 's when the plane left . We made it in due time to the airport and got checked in with little problem , except that the Newark TSA is freaking slow . I blame it on the fact that we were traveling so early , but still . . . slow . Not much of interest happened after that , and our flight out was much nicer than our flight in . I spent time returning emails and looking out of the window . You know . . . normal airplane stuff . We landed in Atlanta and realized that we had lost our parking pass ( totally my fault ) and so it took us forever to get out of the parking garage . Apparently they have to run a background check on you and decode your DNA if you lose your parking pass . I don 't know , I just know we were in there a long time and we had to pay a penalty . : ( Since we 'd landed fairly early on in the day , and accidentally took a wrong turn somewhere , we ended up going through Duluth , so we stopped at a store called Super H Mart . We 'd been there once before a few years ago when we were visiting family , so we knew it existed already . This is a big grocery store that caters to the Asian population of Atlanta , and so of course I had to go in an buy a bunch of stuff I wanted to try . I don 't know what some of it is , but I was feeling adventurous ! I do know at least one thing has cuttlefish flakes in it ( which I didn 't realize until I had already purchased it ) but I 'm willing to try it at least ! I also got some really great shampoo . At least I think it 's shampoo . It smells nice and I 've used it to wash my hair , so we 're just going to call it shampoo and not look into it any further . We ate lunch there at the hot food place and I had some superior don katsu . I can almost work chopsticks , too , so I managed to eat most of it with those , although from time to time I had to use a spoon . Heehee . Steve had sushi , and I still can 't understand why . Yick . Once we got back on the road I fell asleep . I hate doing that , because I like to be awake to keep Steve company , but he said he likes to think his thoughts when we drives long distances , so it turned out ok . I finally woke up when we weren 't that far from home , and in due time we made it back ! We 're taking tomorrow off from church because we are both so tired from traveling , so we 'll have a day of not doing anything in particular to rest up . I 'm looking forward to it ! I 'm sad the trip is over , but I had a really great time . It was a wonderful adventure . We slept in a bit longer than we meant to this morning , and when I got out of bed everything hurt . I had no idea that walking that much would hurt all of my bones . Mostly it was my feet . Even though I have been wearing sensible shoes , my feet are swollen up from all the walking / running we did . Boo ! We actually ate breakfast this morning before leaving again . I " ve just realized we hadn 't done that all week . Huh . This time we didn 't bother trying to find a train anywhere . We were going to Liberty State Park so that we could catch a ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty and just decided to drive it ! YAY ! We 'd gotten tickets online earlier in the week , so we were all set ! This time , driving out that way was a lot less nerve wracking , although I still do that thing where I cringe and squeak when I don 't think Steve is going to slow down in time . He hates it , but I can 't help it . His driving makes me nervous , and riding with me in the car makes him nervous , so it 's a trade off . : ) We made it a lot more quickly than we thought we would , and got a chance to walk around for quite a while before we boarded our ferry . On that ferry was also what seemed like 600 school children . Look , kids one at a time are usually OK . Small groups of children are sometimes OK . Large groups of children are just evil . That 's all I 'm going to say about that . We landed on Liberty Island and saw the statue ! It was so beautiful ! When you come into the docking area , you are at the back of the statue , so we took the long way around to go and see it . It was so bizarre ! I 've seen it a million times in a million different ways , but never in person . I kept staring at it thinking " I 'm actually here looking at this thing ! It 's not a movie or a picture , but I 'm actually here looking at it ! ! ! ! " I was so excited . We had to brave a very large crowd , but luckily the statue is on a big platform and so it stands above everyone and no one can really get in your way . I even managed to get a couple of pictures with Steve ( haha , take that ! ) and we got a very good look at her . It was a lot of fun , even though we didn 't take a tour inside the base , or up into the crown , as it cost extra . That 's kind of the one thing that sucks , but as I worked in the tourism industry once upon a time , I do understand that getting people to pay for things in stages is a thing . After getting our fill of pictures and looking , we departed on another ferry ( I love the ferries ! ) and headed back to our car . We 'd thought about going into Brooklyn for a bit , but Steve wanted to head down to Red Bank , NJ to visit a comic book shop that he knew about . Why drive to Red Bank , which is an hour or so away from NYC , to look at a comic book shop you may be asking ? Anyway , I looked around and they really did have an interesting collection of stuff from the various Kevin Smith movies , as well as some cool pop culture memorabilia and comics . It is a store , after all , and they do sell stuff . I just kept to myself . I give Steve props , too , he was very cool about the whole thing , and he got to meet two of the guys without seeming weird or intrusive , which is more than I can say about another guy who walked in . I met one of them , Mike I believe his name was , because I asked a question . He was very nice and helpful , and when I asked how offensive he thought " Buddy Christ " would be to Baptists , he said he hoped very , and gave me a gratis sheet of stickers of the character for my desk when he found out I work at a church . Heh . Steve bought a couple of things and we left . He was happy and I got stickers , so it had been a productive visit ! Red Bank is really a cool place , but we didn 't stick around for long after visiting the store . I had wanted to see the beach situation there . I was thinking more about finding out if New Jersey had the same kind of cheesy shops and culture that you see around the gulf , so we went towards Sandy Hook which the map said had a beach . The drive out there was so interesting . There were so many gorgeous and HUGE houses out that way , and they weren 't like anything I had seen before . We knew they were worth some serious coinage , because the ones for sale weren 't being sold by Maggie Bee , your friendly neighborhood real estate agent . They were being sold by Southby 's and Christie 's , which I didn 't know had a hand in real estate . When we finally did make it out to the beach area , there weren 't any houses at all . Nor were there shops or restaurants , just beaches . We tried to drive to the end where an observation deck was , but that was closed off for some reason , so we stopped by one of the public beaches and walked out there . I hadn 't thought about the act of actually going to the beach , even though I knew we were going to do that , so I was wearing blue jeans ! I rolled those suckers up and took off my shoes . The sand area was really wide and full of rocks , so getting out to the water was like walking on hot Legos ! Haha ! We walked to the surf and I looked for shells . Weirdly , I didn 't find very many sea critters . I found lots of polished rocks , but only found shells up in the dry area of sand , so I figure that someone else must have pulled then out of the water and left them there . Eh . I accidentally stood too close to the water and a wave hit me , getting me soaked , so we turned back fairly soon after that . I was hot , sandy and wet , but I had some shells and my little baggy of sand ! I was happy ! We had thought of going to a few other places after getting back towards NYC , but we were tired . I hated to just go back to the hotel , but by the time we got back , my feet were sore and I was messy from the beach and I was hungry ! We Posted by to do . I felt terrible and wanted to cry because I hadn 't made a contingency plan . I 'd screwed up ! The day hadn 't even started , and I had already put us public transportation and such as we are , we couldn 't find it . So we set off . We figured if the muppets can take Manhattan , so could we ! ONWARD ! ! ! ! driving SUV 's like they are in a demolition derby , and if Atlanta was on fire and located in an unused corner of hell . WTF , people ? I 've been in assholes . A middle finger to them all ! Also , WTF are toll lanes supposed to be ? ! You go through the gate , and there are no lines past that , so everyone is just in one FUBAR knot of vehicles trying to weave into lines that barely exist ! Seriously , W . T . F ? That is NOT an efficient way to do things ! Steve was the real hero that day . I 'm honestly surprised that he didn 't into the Comcast Building and looked around for a bit . We got tickets to Top of the Rock , another recommendation by someone in the know . It 's easier to get tickets even in buildings , but I was fascinated at the view ! There was so much to see and I took lots of pictures . A nice man offered to take some pictures of me maybe years from now people won 't assume I was in New York by myself . Screw not wanting to take pictures with me ! I 'd climb on his back and shanghai his damn phone if I had to . > : ( We stood goodness for Steve being hungry ! I feel terrible about those people who got hurt , and the girl who was killed . I hope none of the people who were hit were the people trying to give us stuff this morning . I 'm also glad , as much as you can say glad in a situation like this , that the guy wasn 't a terrorist . We realized that might have been why the FBI ( Steve recognized the black SUVs ) had been called in , because cars running into crowds of pedestrians has been the MO of a lot of terrorist situations around the world . Ugh . So far I managed to screw up the to do it than one day ! It was a fun adventure of a day , except for the drunk driver situation . I do like New York , but I 'll need to get to I got there . Ultimately , when I went to bed last night I wasn 't 100 % sure I was going to go . Lots of people tried talking me out of it when I 'd talked about it at home . I 'm sure I could have done it transit system gave me the wiggins . In the end , I decided I probably wouldn 't go . I 'm a bit ashamed that I punked out , but it was actually for the best in the end because I woke up sick this morning . Well , let me rephrase , I woke up feeling ok and was fine for a while , but I dozed back off about half an hour after Steve left for work , and woke up again feeling very dizzy and all around yucky . Nothing serious , I was sure , but my head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and I had a slight case of vertigo . Eh , walking straight is overrated anyway . I lay there for a long time wondering which deity I had to spend my day , but I must have needed the rest . I woke up feeling sicker than I had before , so I was glad that I 'd not gone anywhere . I am mad I wasted a day feeling sick , but after dosing myself with loads of medicine ( I usually carry something for every ailment ) , I started feeling much better after a couple of hours . Thank goodness , because I didn 't want to be sick the whole time we were on our trip . That would suck . We had dinner with Steve 's coworker again and walked around the mall for a while talking . He 's a very funny guy and apparently a computer genius . I mean a legitimate computer genius and not in the hyperbolic sense , so he had a lot of interesting stories to tell . We had a great time . His wife is flying up here |
I 've been saving up for a new car for a couple of years because my poor car was hanging on by a thread . I was hoping to eventually save up enough money to buy whichever car I chose straight out , because I 'd gotten very used to not having a car payment ! Unfortunately , my convertible was beginning to do some things that made me wonder if it was going to last long enough for me to save up the whole thing , which would have taken me a couple more years . Shakes , creaks , and bits falling off I can handle , but once the air conditioner starting skipping out on me , all that went out of the window . Maybe it makes me a huge weenie , maybe it doesn 't , but air conditioning is essential when you live in Devil 's Buttcrack , Alabama , where it 's 6 inches closer to hell than anyplace else on earth . No , seriously , that 's the town slogan . Monday night , Steve and I began looking online for some of the new cars I was interested in , but I got discouraged with how much the cars cost . I mean , I know cars cost a lot of money , and I was prepared for that , but it seemed like anytime we found a car I liked and maybe changed a paint color , or wanted an automatic transmission , it was adding on thousands of dollars over what I could afford . Sigh . We stopped looking at the new cars and began looking at the " certified pre - owned " cars at the different dealers around town . Most of them were either way older than I wanted , or way more expensive than I wanted to pay for a used car , but one caught my eye . I 'd never considered a Volkswagen ( unless I could get one of those Mystery Machine type vans , and I 'd still totally get one of those if I could ) but out of curiosity I checked out their website and they had a 2016 Jetta that had several nice add ons for a very , very reasonable price . It had 41 , 445 miles on it , but it had gone through the official check and had a great warranty , so we decided to check it out in person . My boss was so excited . He loooooooooves wheeling and dealing with sales people , and so he spent the first half of the day giving me pointers on how to pay lots less than they were asking on the car if I decided to get it . He even called me on his way home to make sure that I " had my game face on . " Heh . I assured him I did , but I 'm not like him . The man can walk into Wal - Mart and get a discount on something because he doesn 't want to pay retail price , but I 'm not that aggressive . However , I figured I could do a bit of haggling . We got to the place and test drove the car , and is there anything more nerve wracking than test driving a car in after work traffic ? Add to that , that the windshield was covered in stickers and papers , and I 'm just lucky that I made it to where we went and back ! It drove well , had some nice get up and go , and after I figured out how to adjust the seat and steering wheel , I decided that I liked it fine . Maybe it wasn 't exactly what I set out to get , but it was nice , and I couldn 't find anything wrong with it . We got back to the dealership and sat down , and I was all prepared to start to haggle over the price , but Steve . . . bless him , he wanted me to have a more reliable car so badly . . . tried to do it for me . When they wouldn 't give him the price he asked for , he caved and agreed to everything . I did interject and manage to get a little bit of money off . Not a lot , but still a little is better than nothing ! ( My boss was disgusted and wished he could have gone with me . I probably would have walked out of there with them paying me to take it , that 's just how good he is . ) I also had to trade in Lois , my convertible . Bless her heart , she was a good car that held on for a long time , but she was in bad shape . They were only able to give me $ 750 . 00 trade in value on her , and that was being generous . I checked Kelly Blue Book to make sure , and what they gave me was more than it was worth on there . At any rate , now I 'm the proud owner of a car that was made in this decade ! It doesn 't seem to leak , I 'm certain that the door doesn 't hold water when it rains , air doesn 't hiss through various cracks and crevices so loud that you have to shout when you talk , and so far it doesn 't sound like it 's cracking apart when I drive over bumps ! Also , I can play music from my phone on the radio ! That probably doesn 't sound like much to you , but for someone who had to make mixed CDs up until early last year ( when the CD player quit working in the Seabring and trapped a CD of " Let It Go " in it 's guts ) it 's fun to listen to music I choose ! The only downside of it is if I want to sneakily play a little Marvin Gaye , the name of the song pops up on the LCD screen before the first guitar licks of " Let 's Get It On " even come on . Tsk , tsk , tsk . . . I 'm also trying to name the car . It 's just a thing I do , so don 't judge me . I put a poll on Facebook for help choosing , but we 've narrowed it down to these : Joan Jetta , Jetta James , Jetta Li , Kenny " The Jetta " Smith ( which is not named after my own personal Kenny Smith , but after the basketball player turned commentator on TNT ) or The Cranberry . So far Joan Jetta is winning , but as of now the car has no name . If any of you fine folks have a recommendation , I 'd be glad to hear it . Anyway , here is a picture ! My brother is not doing well . He has been in the hospital since Friday night , and his body just doesn 't seem to want to work the way it 's supposed to . So far , nothing the doctors have tried is working to make him any better . He 's being fed through an IV , and that 's about all they can do right now . I 'm worried about him . I don 't want him to be scared or in pain . I 'm worried about my mother , because she is doing everything she can to get him well again , and she won 't leave his side longer than an hour at a time and she is stressed beyond reason . There 's nothing I can do , and it feels so helpless . I don 't even know how to pray about it . It 's too much . Every time the phone rings I 'm expecting awful news . I feel guilty every time I eat because I know he can 't . I don 't know what to do . There 's nothing I can do . I haven 't been talking much about my brother because up until a few days ago , everything was fine . He wasn 't eating much , but the doctor said that was to be expected . We assumed that after a few months , he would get back to whatever new normal that his surgery would allow . For the past few days he 's been sick . Not terrible , but not great . I saw him yesterday when I was out that way , and he seemed OK , even though he hadn 't been eating much . My mom told me about him feeling sick , and she was worried , but he 'd just been to the doctor a week before , so again , we assumed it was normal . Today they had to take him back to the hospital because he wasn 't getting any better and he couldn 't eat at all . Some tests they did show that his surgery came undone , and now he 's back in the same shape he was before . According to my mother , there isn 't anything they can do for him now . To try and redo the surgery is too risky , so they are going to send him home and hope for the best . If he can 't eat , then the best isn 't so great , is it ? I don 't really know what to say about any of this except that it sucks . Again , please send prayers and good vibes towards my mom and brother . I 'm not sure what will happened from here on , but I know this is going to be very stressful and difficult . Thanks in advance . I dressed carefully . I slid on the new , navy blue dress that I 'd bought for a special occasion , but today it would be serving as a mourning dress . I suppose a funeral is still a special occasion , but not the one I had intended the dress for . I had to be careful about the jewelry I chose , because so much of what I have is big and flashy and inappropriate . Luckily I found something subdued , my earrings and bracelet both reflected the occasion , having tear shaped pendants attached . I only realized the significance later on . I drove back to my home town , if you can call where I 'm from a town . I 've been gone from there 17 years , but driving the old roads that I traveled so much when I was a teenager is still second nature . I know where I 'm going without even thinking about it . Things have changed , of course , but not a lot . In places like that , change isn 't much of a priority . I arrived at the church , which I 'd been to before . Half the people I grew up with had attended it at one time or another so I was familiar with where I was . I walked through a smattering of people , somber men and women and teenaged boys wearing football jerseys , and was ushered inside by the same smiling man that had presided over my own father 's funeral almost 10 years ago . He hadn 't aged very much . I thought I was running late , but the crowd inside was sparse . Not knowing the man who sat by the coffin , I found a seat in the back of the church where I would be out of the way , not wanting to intrude on the people who had known the deceased better than I had . I hadn 't been sitting long before I felt someone walk up behind me and put their hand on the pew . When I looked up , I saw my friend . His eyes were red and his face was swollen , but that was to be expected . His mother had passed away after a long battle with cancer . However , it 's clear that even when you know death is inevitable , the knowledge doesn 't dull the pain . I stood and wrapped my arms around him tightly , hoping , in my way , that I could squeeze away some of the hurt . My immediate question was " How are you doing ? " which we both had a quick laugh about . He wasn 't doing great , obviously , but it seems like that is the question you ask first , no matter what the situation , doesn 't it ? We stood in the back of the church and talked for quite a while . How long had it been since we 'd done that ? I 'd met him in the band room one random day a hundred years ago . He was a tall , skinny kid who played the bass drum and suffered from Pectus Excavatum . Me , in my unfailing tactlessness , made a silly joke about his sunken chest and despite my bad taste , from that minute on we were fast friends . That 's how it was with him . He was easy to know and easy to love , and I did love him fiercely in the way one does when a friend becomes more like family than anything else . Of course , knowing how way leads on to way , we lost touch after I graduated high school . I 've seen him twice , maybe three times since , but I 've always attacked him with a hug because to me , at least , nothing ever changed . We talked of other things than his mother , catching up , and I hoped that taking his mind off of the elephant in the room for just a few minutes might help . I never really know if that 's the case , but we joked and chuckled for a bit as more people came in . The service was lovely and full of music . His mother was a wonderful lady . I remember her as a top notch " band mom " who was at every band camp , football game and competition . She gave of her self tirelessly , taking us all in as her kids at one point or another . She worked hard to make sure we had what we needed and helped where she could . She loved our school , and had more school spirit than most of the students . Her grandsons played football and she was very involved in the booster club . In fact , her pall bearers were all football players and the two coaches . She was loved at the school . Her fight with cancer was long and hard , and after a year of remission , it came back with a vengeance . I sent her hats that I 'd made so that she could keep warm during her treatments . Her final days were painful and her family rallied around her , but ultimately she passed away in her sleep , surrounded by the people she loved and cared about . You can 't really ask for more than that , can you ? When the service was over , we watched as her casket was wheeled out of the church and the procession headed towards her burial plot . I didn 't accompany them , feeling that I didn 't really belong at the more intimate service . I feel bad that I didn 't get a chance to say goodbye to my friend , but I was glad that I 'd been able to see him and offer what tiny but of comfort I could . Funerals are hard . They are like parties you desperately don 't want to attend , but can 't get out of . I used to never go to them , but in recent years I 've come to understand that the support you give those left behind can be a lifeline to someone who is hurting . Chances are , they will never remember who didn 't come , but they 'll remember the person to hugged them , who encouraged them , who made them smile , and the person who breaks through the shell of sadness and makes them laugh a little , even when their heart is hurting . I hope I managed to do some good today , even if it was just a little bit . As I drove back towards home , I thought about my friend and his family , and how they are going to have to heal from their loss , and I thought about all the people who 'd been there to show their love and support . I know that ultimately , with all of those that gathered around them in their time of need , they 'll eventually find peace . One of the " pleasures " of living in the hot and humid south is that we have a certain type of wildlife that thrives in all the nooks and crannies of almost every building , every tree stump , in every tangle of vines and under every rock . They go by several names : Water Bugs , Palmetto Bugs , the American Cockroach , but usually I just refer to them as the unholy bastard bugs straight from Satan 's anus . I hate them with a passion that I don 't think I could adequately put into words , and for your sake , I won 't even try . Just imagine a series of guttural , spitty , choking noises and rude finger gestures and that will be close enough . Two nights ago , Steve and I were sitting in the living room when Steve suddenly says " What is that ? " The fact that movement caught his attention while he was absorbed in whatever it was he was watching on television should tell you something . I looked up from my reading and saw what looked like a slipper scrabbling wildly near the door . It had , unfortunately , made it 's way through the side of the door where the cat has shredded the weather stripping , leaving a gap . It was possibly the largest waterbug I 've ever seen , and trust me , I work in an old building and have seen some shit . I sat up in my chair far enough to realize that me going after said bug was an impossibility , due to the fact that I 'm certain it had the size and strength to tackle me to the ground , and so it became Steve 's job to get rid of it . He did , after a fashion . I 'm not sure if he killed it with the Swiffer he wielded , or if he had to hold it at gunpoint and threaten the life of its children if it didn 't leave , ( I was cowering in my chair and didn 't see ) but the mutant bug was driven out of the house and out into the night . Afterwards I liberally sprayed the doorway with a bug poison supposedly so powerful that it is only required to be applied once a year . I use it more than that , just in case , because I live in fear of rolling up on one of those bugs in my house . Our house is old , so yes , it happens occasionally . I knew that I 'd probably be seeing some of that bug 's unholy brethren at some point , but I assumed that it would be in the house or in the garage . I was not expecting to find one of them in my car . I don 't think I need to state that our cars should be a good place . Sure , maybe we always run the risk of accidents when we drive them , but aside from that , the interior of our vehicles should be a haven where we can have a bit of quiet after a stressful day , where we can sing to our favorite music loudly and without shame , and where we can unabashedly eat french fries by shoving our faces directly into a greasy paper bag so that we don 't get our hands messy . It should be a safe place , but now my safe space has been ruined . When I was leaving for work , I opened the door to my car and another huge waterbug scurried around the frame of my door . I know it wasn 't happy to be discovered , because I 'm almost positive I heard it curse under it 's breath . I stood frozen , nothing to protect myself with but my soft sided lunchbox , and wondered what to do . I kicked at it , granted not the best action since I was wearing soft toed shoes , but instead of leaping to the driveway and running towards freedom , it ran across the door frame and disappeared . It ran so fast I couldn 't tell where it went ! I stood there for a moment , wondering if I should just call in sick to work and torch the car to be safe , but that seemed to be a bit excessive . I still didn 't want to get in the car until the bug was found , but unless I felt like disassembling the whole car , I had no choice . I started kicking the car , hoping that it would scare the little hastared out of hiding , but no giant bug emerged . I finally had to get in and go . The whole ride to work I just knew that thing would find it 's way out of hiding and crawl up my pants leg . If that had happened , I 'd have either wrecked the car , or there would be reports of a pantsless women screaming and running through the church parking lot ( although to be fair , I 'm sure that happens at least once a week in this neighborhood . ) I made it to work with no incident and parked my car in a parking spot that I hope remains so exposed to the sun that anything alive in the car will spontaneously combust , but since roaches and the like can withstand nuclear fall out , I 'm not sure it will even get uncomfortable . My car is visible in the security feed , and I keep expecting to see the thing hot wire my car and drive off into the sunset . So now , here I sit , knowing that today is a Wednesday which means I won 't be getting back into the car until almost sundown , and in the shadows of the waning day , I may be getting back into a car where the disgusting vermin is hiding , waiting on me to get inside and shut the door so that it can exact it 's revenge on me for my past , bug - killing actions . If my car is found empty , on the side of the road somewhere between church and home , you 'll know the thing attacked and won . Don 't let him get away with it ! We had to get up at the butt crack of dawn this morning so that we could be on time for our plane . I am not a fan of super early flights , but what are you going to do ? That 's when the plane left . We made it in due time to the airport and got checked in with little problem , except that the Newark TSA is freaking slow . I blame it on the fact that we were traveling so early , but still . . . slow . Not much of interest happened after that , and our flight out was much nicer than our flight in . I spent time returning emails and looking out of the window . You know . . . normal airplane stuff . We landed in Atlanta and realized that we had lost our parking pass ( totally my fault ) and so it took us forever to get out of the parking garage . Apparently they have to run a background check on you and decode your DNA if you lose your parking pass . I don 't know , I just know we were in there a long time and we had to pay a penalty . : ( Since we 'd landed fairly early on in the day , and accidentally took a wrong turn somewhere , we ended up going through Duluth , so we stopped at a store called Super H Mart . We 'd been there once before a few years ago when we were visiting family , so we knew it existed already . This is a big grocery store that caters to the Asian population of Atlanta , and so of course I had to go in an buy a bunch of stuff I wanted to try . I don 't know what some of it is , but I was feeling adventurous ! I do know at least one thing has cuttlefish flakes in it ( which I didn 't realize until I had already purchased it ) but I 'm willing to try it at least ! I also got some really great shampoo . At least I think it 's shampoo . It smells nice and I 've used it to wash my hair , so we 're just going to call it shampoo and not look into it any further . We ate lunch there at the hot food place and I had some superior don katsu . I can almost work chopsticks , too , so I managed to eat most of it with those , although from time to time I had to use a spoon . Heehee . Steve had sushi , and I still can 't understand why . Yick . Once we got back on the road I fell asleep . I hate doing that , because I like to be awake to keep Steve company , but he said he likes to think his thoughts when we drives long distances , so it turned out ok . I finally woke up when we weren 't that far from home , and in due time we made it back ! We 're taking tomorrow off from church because we are both so tired from traveling , so we 'll have a day of not doing anything in particular to rest up . I 'm looking forward to it ! I 'm sad the trip is over , but I had a really great time . It was a wonderful adventure . We slept in a bit longer than we meant to this morning , and when I got out of bed everything hurt . I had no idea that walking that much would hurt all of my bones . Mostly it was my feet . Even though I have been wearing sensible shoes , my feet are swollen up from all the walking / running we did . Boo ! We actually ate breakfast this morning before leaving again . I " ve just realized we hadn 't done that all week . Huh . This time we didn 't bother trying to find a train anywhere . We were going to Liberty State Park so that we could catch a ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty and just decided to drive it ! YAY ! We 'd gotten tickets online earlier in the week , so we were all set ! This time , driving out that way was a lot less nerve wracking , although I still do that thing where I cringe and squeak when I don 't think Steve is going to slow down in time . He hates it , but I can 't help it . His driving makes me nervous , and riding with me in the car makes him nervous , so it 's a trade off . : ) We made it a lot more quickly than we thought we would , and got a chance to walk around for quite a while before we boarded our ferry . On that ferry was also what seemed like 600 school children . Look , kids one at a time are usually OK . Small groups of children are sometimes OK . Large groups of children are just evil . That 's all I 'm going to say about that . We landed on Liberty Island and saw the statue ! It was so beautiful ! When you come into the docking area , you are at the back of the statue , so we took the long way around to go and see it . It was so bizarre ! I 've seen it a million times in a million different ways , but never in person . I kept staring at it thinking " I 'm actually here looking at this thing ! It 's not a movie or a picture , but I 'm actually here looking at it ! ! ! ! " I was so excited . We had to brave a very large crowd , but luckily the statue is on a big platform and so it stands above everyone and no one can really get in your way . I even managed to get a couple of pictures with Steve ( haha , take that ! ) and we got a very good look at her . It was a lot of fun , even though we didn 't take a tour inside the base , or up into the crown , as it cost extra . That 's kind of the one thing that sucks , but as I worked in the tourism industry once upon a time , I do understand that getting people to pay for things in stages is a thing . After getting our fill of pictures and looking , we departed on another ferry ( I love the ferries ! ) and headed back to our car . We 'd thought about going into Brooklyn for a bit , but Steve wanted to head down to Red Bank , NJ to visit a comic book shop that he knew about . Why drive to Red Bank , which is an hour or so away from NYC , to look at a comic book shop you may be asking ? Anyway , I looked around and they really did have an interesting collection of stuff from the various Kevin Smith movies , as well as some cool pop culture memorabilia and comics . It is a store , after all , and they do sell stuff . I just kept to myself . I give Steve props , too , he was very cool about the whole thing , and he got to meet two of the guys without seeming weird or intrusive , which is more than I can say about another guy who walked in . I met one of them , Mike I believe his name was , because I asked a question . He was very nice and helpful , and when I asked how offensive he thought " Buddy Christ " would be to Baptists , he said he hoped very , and gave me a gratis sheet of stickers of the character for my desk when he found out I work at a church . Heh . Steve bought a couple of things and we left . He was happy and I got stickers , so it had been a productive visit ! Red Bank is really a cool place , but we didn 't stick around for long after visiting the store . I had wanted to see the beach situation there . I was thinking more about finding out if New Jersey had the same kind of cheesy shops and culture that you see around the gulf , so we went towards Sandy Hook which the map said had a beach . The drive out there was so interesting . There were so many gorgeous and HUGE houses out that way , and they weren 't like anything I had seen before . We knew they were worth some serious coinage , because the ones for sale weren 't being sold by Maggie Bee , your friendly neighborhood real estate agent . They were being sold by Southby 's and Christie 's , which I didn 't know had a hand in real estate . When we finally did make it out to the beach area , there weren 't any houses at all . Nor were there shops or restaurants , just beaches . We tried to drive to the end where an observation deck was , but that was closed off for some reason , so we stopped by one of the public beaches and walked out there . I hadn 't thought about the act of actually going to the beach , even though I knew we were going to do that , so I was wearing blue jeans ! I rolled those suckers up and took off my shoes . The sand area was really wide and full of rocks , so getting out to the water was like walking on hot Legos ! Haha ! We walked to the surf and I looked for shells . Weirdly , I didn 't find very many sea critters . I found lots of polished rocks , but only found shells up in the dry area of sand , so I figure that someone else must have pulled then out of the water and left them there . Eh . I accidentally stood too close to the water and a wave hit me , getting me soaked , so we turned back fairly soon after that . I was hot , sandy and wet , but I had some shells and my little baggy of sand ! I was happy ! We had thought of going to a few other places after getting back towards NYC , but we were tired . I hated to just go back to the hotel , but by the time we got back , my feet were sore and I was messy from the beach and I was hungry ! We Posted by to do . I felt terrible and wanted to cry because I hadn 't made a contingency plan . I 'd screwed up ! The day hadn 't even started , and I had already put us public transportation and such as we are , we couldn 't find it . So we set off . We figured if the muppets can take Manhattan , so could we ! ONWARD ! ! ! ! driving SUV 's like they are in a demolition derby , and if Atlanta was on fire and located in an unused corner of hell . WTF , people ? I 've been in assholes . A middle finger to them all ! Also , WTF are toll lanes supposed to be ? ! You go through the gate , and there are no lines past that , so everyone is just in one FUBAR knot of vehicles trying to weave into lines that barely exist ! Seriously , W . T . F ? That is NOT an efficient way to do things ! Steve was the real hero that day . I 'm honestly surprised that he didn 't into the Comcast Building and looked around for a bit . We got tickets to Top of the Rock , another recommendation by someone in the know . It 's easier to get tickets even in buildings , but I was fascinated at the view ! There was so much to see and I took lots of pictures . A nice man offered to take some pictures of me maybe years from now people won 't assume I was in New York by myself . Screw not wanting to take pictures with me ! I 'd climb on his back and shanghai his damn phone if I had to . > : ( We stood goodness for Steve being hungry ! I feel terrible about those people who got hurt , and the girl who was killed . I hope none of the people who were hit were the people trying to give us stuff this morning . I 'm also glad , as much as you can say glad in a situation like this , that the guy wasn 't a terrorist . We realized that might have been why the FBI ( Steve recognized the black SUVs ) had been called in , because cars running into crowds of pedestrians has been the MO of a lot of terrorist situations around the world . Ugh . So far I managed to screw up the to do it than one day ! It was a fun adventure of a day , except for the drunk driver situation . I do like New York , but I 'll need to get to I got there . Ultimately , when I went to bed last night I wasn 't 100 % sure I was going to go . Lots of people tried talking me out of it when I 'd talked about it at home . I 'm sure I could have done it transit system gave me the wiggins . In the end , I decided I probably wouldn 't go . I 'm a bit ashamed that I punked out , but it was actually for the best in the end because I woke up sick this morning . Well , let me rephrase , I woke up feeling ok and was fine for a while , but I dozed back off about half an hour after Steve left for work , and woke up again feeling very dizzy and all around yucky . Nothing serious , I was sure , but my head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and I had a slight case of vertigo . Eh , walking straight is overrated anyway . I lay there for a long time wondering which deity I had to spend my day , but I must have needed the rest . I woke up feeling sicker than I had before , so I was glad that I 'd not gone anywhere . I am mad I wasted a day feeling sick , but after dosing myself with loads of medicine ( I usually carry something for every ailment ) , I started feeling much better after a couple of hours . Thank goodness , because I didn 't want to be sick the whole time we were on our trip . That would suck . We had dinner with Steve 's coworker again and walked around the mall for a while talking . He 's a very funny guy and apparently a computer genius . I mean a legitimate computer genius and not in the hyperbolic sense , so he had a lot of interesting stories to tell . We had a great time . His wife is flying up here |
I 'm am doing this even though Nehal strongly suggested not to . . . And I understand why , it 's hard enough following through on resolutions when they are written in a journal , or just stated out loud , but I am writing it for all to see on my blog , so if I fail . . . everyone will know . That 's why I 'm going to keep them pretty simple with the knowledge that I may not be able to keep my resolutions . So here it goes : 1 ) I am going to read more . I spent my Christmas with my family , and was jealous while watching them read . I still read , but not like I could . I should be able to read much more books . I 'm also going to keep track of what I read . I enjoy writing about what I read . 2 ) Spend less time on facebook , and less time watching television . Doing this will help me with reading more , and with the rest of my resolutions . 3 ) Obviously : write more . And not just blogging , but write more fiction , write more in my journal , write more letters and even emails . Any form of writing is important . I find writing healing , and I see the changes when I don 't write . This week has been tough . I didn 't write , and I haven 't been reading either . ( which is just as important to me ) . I 've felt a bit lost . I am scared of the feeling . I 'm scared the depression is seeping back , and I don 't want it to . I 'm not having a great time with my job . It 's affecting the way I am , and I need a way to fix this . I worked a lot this week , at both jobs . I work , and working is fine , it keeps me busy and keeps me happy . Well one job does - the other one makes me sad that at 30 , that 's where I am . Either way , they both make me busy . Being home and not busy is when I stop . I shut down . I hate leaving the house , and have missed out on things . I need to go grocery shopping , and I need to start Christmas shopping , and I NEEDED to buy Cam a birthday present , and I didn 't get anything done . I went into the weekend fearing that maybe I hadn 't fought off the depression as well as I had hoped . I like where I am right now . I like the town , I love the boyfriend , I love my pets . We 've made ourselves a home in this town . I wish I could get more of a sense of belonging though . I also wish that this town has more opportunities for me . I feel like I 've wasted so much of my life going to school , and getting my education because it hasn 't helped . This seems like a wasted post . I hate writing them when I 'm down because although most of my blogs aren 't the happiest because of the past , I want them to also be encouraging . I want to write them with the sense that I am going places , and that things will improve . - Which they will , but not as quick as I 'd like them . I want to write period . I wish I had the self discipline to sit and finish all of the writings I 've started in the past . I want to try to make it into a career somehow . That would be the ultimate dream . I think it will be to exhausting to write about my grandmother . It will happen though . I need to head to bed . I am a fan of sleep , it seems like I need it . It 's snowing today which is a great time for me to write . Makes me happy and nostalgic . However , I 'm not writing about snow . It 's time to finish my story . When I think back to last year ( 2009 ) , I sometimes have trouble believing all that happened . After my week of healing ( two weeks altogether ) , I went back to work , and tried to get back to real life . That 's what I wanted . I 'm going to quote myself . That sounds strange , but I 've been trying to remember what comes next , and how I was feeling , and I can 't remember some of it , or when things happened . I wrote in my journal a little bit at that time though , and that 's what I 'll be quoting from . I wrote this before my second hospital visit ( the one in Whitecourt ) , " I want the physical part to be over ( the pain ) so I can deal with the emotional part . I need to write it all in here and deal with this all by getting it all out , and I would almost rather do it in here so that I don 't have to burden anyone else with it . Let 's face it , it 's me going through this . No one else , and why should they have to , I don 't even want to . " It scares me that I wrote that , and I hope I 've changed . Perhaps , if I had been blogging it all for the world to see , I would have been able to deal with it all so much better . I didn 't really deal with it , mostly because I didn 't know how . I wrote that January 29th , 2009 . At the end of the entry , I mentioned the fact that my grandma was back in the hospital ( and nobody was sounding very hopeful ) . I found that so scary because I didn 't know how I would possibly deal with both things happening . I felt very selfish for thinking that though . I haven 't read back at past journal entries for a long time . I wrote more than I remembered . Especially during the first little bit . I wanted to get over it so badly , but I didn 't know how to , and didn 't take the time to figure out how to . Feb 2nd , 2009 : " I hate these on and off days . I 'm so frustrated today . I really just want it to be over . I 'm just at the point where I don 't think any of this is fair , and I know people deal with far worse , but I 'm just so done with all of this . I 'm in pain , I 'm exhausted , and at some point I need to find time to deal with it all . I really wanted this baby , and I know this because it didn 't happen . " Feb 4th , 2009 : " Today is tough . For once , not physically . Just emotionally . I 'm just sad - and I 'm confused because I can 't place the sadness . I 've just been through so much , and I don 't know how to feel about anything . I 'm trying to write about the experience , and that may be why things are hard right now . I 've felt like crying all day , and I hate how anti - social I 've been . Hopefully tomorrow gets better . " I wrote these two during my week off . I could feel myself retreating from the world . I took so much comfort from Cameron , and had trouble doing things without him . Yet , I didn 't confide much to him . I thought I was , but he knew I wasn 't . I think I was just expecting things to get better much quicker than they did . I feel like this is cheating , by writing what I have already written , but it 's working . February 12 / 09 : " I absolutely need to write . I need to be at work , seeing clients , making money and making phone calls . Instead I 'm sitting in my house , feeling depressed . It 's been such a tough month , and I 'm feeling better , but I seem to be worrying about everything lately . I 'm trying to leave the house , and I have things to do , and yet I have to convince myself to see people . I 'm worried about Cameron and I . I like him so much , and I can see a future , but I 'm worried that I 'm going to get hurt . I trust him , but am worried he 'll decide he doesn 't want a relationship . I hate getting worried or worked up about things because I don 't think I deal with them correctly . I close down and feel depressed . This doesn 't happen a lot , but enough that I know it isn 't right . I always thought of myself as someone who could fight my way out of depression , but why does it have to begin at all ? I guess I just can 't be in a relationship without stressing out about absolutely everything . And it 's not just my relationship , it 's my life , my job . I hate failing , but I feel like I am . " I 'm just so mad at myself for trying to rush it . I actually don 't mind that obsessing about a relationship because that 's a realistic thing I do . I guess it gave me a chance to focus on something else ( although it made for a rocky start to the relationship ) . As a side note , I 'm not going to focus on this a lot because it 's not my story , but I was also stressed out and worried about Cameron 's ex . I felt insecure about their relationship , and felt that I was failing in comparison to her . It was a silly thing to worry about , but what can I say . . . I 'm a girl . Instead of just being happy with what I have , I worry about absolutely everything that wasn 't needed . I guess I was comparing my relationship to the one I had with my ex . When I broke up with my ex , my worry was that I would never find somebody who loved me as much as him . That 's a selfish thought . I can admit it . So going into this new relationship , I worried that he could never love me like he loved his ex . I didn 't see that every relationship is different . There was a reason he was no longer with his ex , and a reason I 'm no longer with mine . Either way , it was a stress I didn 't need , but gave me something to focus on other than the miscarriage . That 's all I have to say about that . Like I said , his past is his business . No one else 's . I had personal insecurities , and they really had nothing to do with him or his past . I spoke to my boss while I was going through all this . He suggested that I make an appointment with a counselor . I did . I had two appointments with her before I stopped going . I think I was frustrated because she was making me feel normal , if not a little childish , and I wanted her to help me . Possibly if I had given her more of a chance , she would have . If I were going now , it would be easier , but the difference is , I have an easier time getting out of bed now . ( Not that I don 't love to sleep in ) . March 1st / 09 : ' I 'm not getting any better and somehow , I have lost the ability to be able to spend time on my own . I used to love sleeping in my own bed , by myself , but now , being by myself is scary . I 'm not worried about hurting myself , or break ins , I 'm worried about the silence . I should be using the time to write , but instead , I cry or I watch TV . I should be trying to fix myself , not let it overpower me . ' The thing that astonishes me about these entries is that it wasn 't the worst of my depression . I remember not getting out of bed , and knowing I needed help , but not quite willing to help myself . - Then again , I just read the next entry , and it pretty much is a perfect description of what I was going through . March 9th / 09 : ' I tricked myself . I woke up yesterday and I thought I had fought off the depression just in a day . I 've done it before , so I thought I could again . I was wrong . I woke up today without the will to do anything . I didn 't get anything accomplished , and I didn 't try to get anything accomplished . I 've cried a lot today , and I think it 's partially because I thought I was on the mend . Maybe I still am , but today , I 'm feeling pretty hopeless , and as usual I 'm feeling pretty impatient . ' This isn 't the entry I had actually planned . I wanted to write about grandma . She 's next . It 'll be hard for me to write , but I need to . I think the biggest part of my depression was it started because I didn 't deal with what happened , but then it stayed , and I still didn 't deal because it became more about the depression than how I was feeling . Having something to be sad about helped me at times because I knew I was feeling something important . Well , I didn 't stay off facebook very long , but I did make it until Thursday . I woke up this morning to a text from Nehal . She was letting me know it has been two weeks since I last posted . Thanks Nehal . ( By the way , this is the same girl I texted from the toilet when I found out I was pregnant ) . My encourager . ( relentless encourager ) . I have opened up this page MANY times in the past two weeks . I don 't know what stops me from writing , but something does . I don 't think it 's writer 's block . Fear possibly . Fear that even though it feels great to do this , I want more from it - and I 'm not sure I 'll get it . I 've received good feedback about what I 've been writing . It 's nice to hear , and sooner than later , I will get back to my story of the past . I haven 't given myself enough time tonight though . I guess it was easier to go through the miscarriage , than the things after . I guess depression is hard to describe , and in my case , not that interesting . I am just feeling stuck right now . I 'm not depressed anymore , but I can feel it sometimes . My biggest problem right now is my job - which should not be a cause for depression ( to me ) . I just wish I knew where I was going at the age of 30 - or even better , that I was already there . Growing up , I didn 't really have a definite plan of what I would do when I was grown up . I wanted to be a famous actress . I wanted to be rich and famous . I wanted to be in love . I did want to be a writer as I got into my teens ( a famous writer ) , and I probably thought that would be easier than it is . I don 't know how to be a writer and make money now . The two don 't go hand in hand . The only time I felt like I was finally in a career was at the radio station , and I miss that feeling of belonging somewhere . I guess the reason I took a break from my writing was because I get frustrated about where I am in my life . It 's incredibly sad to me that I don 't have a family , I 'm not a mom , and I don 't have a career to blame on the way my life is . If I was travelling , that would be different , but I 'm not even doing that . I can 't afford it . So that 's why you haven 't heard from me . I 'm having a feeling sorry for me moment ( that 's lasted a few weeks ) . Maybe writing this will help though . I can get back on track and continue writing every day . I 'm taking a break from my story . I 've told the main part , but the truth is , I don 't want to continue everyday with the same story because you might thing that was the worst of it , but things apparently needed to get a lot worse before they got better . I 'm still working on the better , but it keeps getting better . Turning 30 really helped me get off my butt , and try to help myself . I guess the fog lifted . I am a Facebook user . Have been for quite a while , and while I don 't have many addictions in my life , I can honestly admit that Facebook is mine . I quit once last year . Not actually quit or stopped the account , but decided to stop going on for a month . I don 't know if I made it , but the plan didn 't work out . I somehow ended up back on it . It hasn 't gotten better . I can waste so much time on Facebook when I should be doing important things - like writing , or calling friends , or cleaning my house , or walking my dog . In my effort to change my life , I need to get off the couch more , and spend more time actually changing my life . I don 't want to get rid of Facebook because I 'm in contact with so many people who I never would have kept in contact with ( but wanted to ) . I 'm always pretty picky about who I 'm friends with and who I keep as my friends . I spend too much time on it though , and too much time not doing anything productive on it . I just need to control how much time I spend on it . Last night , Cam and I went to the movie The Social Network . Somehow , seeing it made me want to slow down the Facebook using . I need to get back to real life , and spend less time in TV land or facebooking . The movie itself wasn 't bad . I usually like movies that have more characters that make me like them . I watched the movie trying to figure out if the main character had any redeeming qualities other than his sarcastic humour . It definitely made me think though , and made me more interested in the real story . Either way , after watching it , I decided to go on Facebook only during the weekends , and only when I 'm home . Believe me , this is a hard addiction to beat . Modern technology has made it SO easy to Facebook with no problems . My cell phone has ' Friend Stream ' , if I scroll over I see every body 's updates . So not only do I have to stay away from it on the computer , but not check on my phone as well . This entry is going no where , but that 's okay . I figure blogging keeps me away from Facebook . Also should help me finish the story quicker . IMore changes to come : less TV , more exercise , and better eating habits ( to lose weight ) . Also I 'm going to work on budgeting , and paying off debts . It will all come someday I hope . First official day of snow It started yesterday , stayed for the d y . It 'll probably melt by tomorrow , but it 's here n w . I LOVE LOVE LOVE t . I 'll be adding another entry today , but for now , I just wanted to share a little bit of me that 's not writing , and not unhappine s . If something as little as snow can make me feel this great , things aren 't so b I haven 't written for the past couple of days . To be honest , that last entry took A LOT out of me . I 'm not sure how I thought I would feel when I was finished , but it wasn 't what I expected . I felt empty and alone when I was done writing . I guess it didn 't help that Cam was on a night shift , so I truly was alone . ( except for my pets - a Chesapeake Bay Retriever named Karmen , and an orange cat named Rolo ) . I had a lump in my stomach , and I wasn 't sure how to deal with it . I wasn 't depressed about everything , I was just sad . I 've got the worst part out , but I want to continue writing . I think it 's good for me , and probably good for other people to know what I went through , and what I 'm going through . I 've never been good at telling people how I feel , and it 's gotten worse since the miscarriage . I was getting good at holding things in , which is what brings me to tonight 's blog . I 'm not ready yet to write about the rest of it because it 's really been a long process of healing . What I want to talk about is my support system . I 've found from others that a lot of times , you find out who your real friends are in times like these . Actually , even pregnancies , I think people start to realise that maybe some of their friends aren 't the best for that situation . I didn 't experience that . I didn 't have any friends I wanted to cut out of my life because of they way they reacted ( or didn 't react ) to my pregnancy . I guess that 's not true actually , it showed me the true character of the guy who got me pregnant . Other than him though , who I knew for less time than anybody else , I felt loved and supported . After I lost the baby , I even heard from friends of friends telling me they were sorry . I received texts , emails , facebook messages , hugs and phone calls . Cameron 's mother , whom I had never met before , gave me a hug as soon as she found out . She also spoke about the situation up front and honestly . Cam brought me flowers from him , and a plant from his family . He held me , he let me cry , he listened , and he talked me through everything . He told me the honest truth , and that 's what I needed . Denise called me EVERY DAY for the first bit . I can remember one phone call when she asked out of the blue if I was eating . She 's going to make a great mother . ( I don 't think I was eating - not starving myself , just not hungry ) . A co - worker gave me a hug because he didn 't know what else to say . That was all I needed . Every body I worked with was great . They came to visit me in the hospital , gave me a gift , and they gave me space and let me heal ( while checking in ) . My Toronto friend - I call her my twin ( not sure if she wants her name mentioned ) , has always been supportive of my writing , and inspirational to me . It 's because of her that I 'm writing this . I nag her about terrible habits she has , and she nags me about not writing . I don 't think I appreciated all the good will as much as I do now . There are so many people I haven 't mentioned , but every ONE of my friends helped me in some way . Even if they weren 't there at the time , they still stood with me ( from whereever they were ) when they found out . I 'm just incredibly happy that I have the support system that I do . I 'm lucky . Even through all that , I 'm one of the luckiest people to have those family , those friends , and those co - workers . The title for this would be : The End of my Pregnancy - only because I don 't think calling it the miscarriage is appropriate . Maybe just The End . I think I 'll leave it untitled for now . I started dating Cameron at the beginning of January . I may have said middle in the last entry . Sad , that I can 't remember our anniversary . The nice thing about meeting a guy from Saskatchewan was we could go home together . We had planned a quick weekend trip to Saskatoon at the end of the month . It wasn 't really a trip to meet one another 's friends or family . Cam had a meeting to attend , and I had plans to go to Moose Jaw for the day to visit with my grandmother . My grandma was waiting for results to see if she had cancer . She wasn 't doing well , and I really just wanted to see her . The day before we left , I was just home from work when I noticed the bleeding . It wasn 't excessive bleeding , I just noticed a bit when I went to the washroom . Believe me , I had read enough baby books ( What to do When You 're Expecting ) , to know that bleeding happens . It still scared me . I was in my 11th week . So close to the second trimester . I sat at home and worried , I phoned the hospital to ask what they thought , and the nurse said it probably wasn 't anything to worry about , but I could come in and see a doctor if I wanted . I waited for Cameron to get home and phone me , and then asked if he could go with me . He did , and the doctor saw me . He didn 't do anything as far as I remember . He just said that many woman bleed , but if it got worse , be sure to come in . Cam and I left for Saskatoon the next night . I was still bleeding , and still concerned . It 's all still fresh in my mind . I want to write this , and I want to share my experience , but I 'm crying while typing . Not just tearing up but crying . It 's about six hours to get to Saskatoon . It was a long and stressful drive ( not the last long and stressful drive the two of us have had together ) . It was late when we got there , and we went to Denise and her husband 's house for dinner . Denise showed me the blanket she was making for my baby . I cried , and told her what was going on . Denise is such an optimist , and she didn 't want me to worry . She was sure it would all be okay . Cam stayed the night at their house with me ( even though he owns a house in Saskatoon ) . I was feeling unsure with the situation . I didn 't know if he wanted me to stay at his place , or what he was thinking , so I just decided I 'd stay at Denise 's and he could make his own decision . The next morning , he left to go to his meeting , and Denise and I left to pick up my sister and head to Moose Jaw . I texted him a couple of times during the drive , but his phone had died . He stopped answering . I was still bleeding that morning . I was watching the colour because that 's something you 're supposed to watch . Colour and clots . It 's so straight forward , and that 's really how I was dealing with it . We arrived in Moose Jaw , and Denise and I dropped my sister off at my grandma 's , and then went for lunch with Karen ( another best friend ) . Karen gave me my late Christmas present - maternity clothes . Even with my worries , it was a great lunch . I told Karen what was going on , and what my fears were . The three of us talked about everything , and I was able to tell them all of my thoughts . They are two wonderful and supportive friends . ( since that moment , Karen has not only started an adoption of the cutest 2 year old ever , but she has a five month old baby boy as well ) . Denise dropped me off at my Grandma 's house . As I was about to go in , my mom and sister came out . They were running to the store to pick something up . I hugged my mom , and told her what was going on , and told her I was scared . I cried . She comforted me , and then I went in to see my grandma . This is my Grandma McCrea . She 's my dad 's mother . She had three girls and my dad . My grandfather died when my dad was 10 . I never knew him as my grandfather . Everybody loves my grandmother . She was brave , and straight forward , and funny . She was a person I aspired to be . It was breaking my heart , and the rest of my family 's hearts that she was sick . She was still grandma . I couldn 't yet tell how sick she was . My aunts were very worried about her . They made her go lie down while I was there saying , " Don 't worry , Erin will lie next to you ! " So I did . We talked about my pregnancy , and about Cameron , and about her cancer . She was sure she didn 't have cancer . We also sat in silence . It was a nice visit , and makes me so sad to say that it was the last time I ever saw her . So much was going on , and I wish so much that I had spent more time with her . We left before supper . It didn 't even cross my mind when I left , that I 'd never see her again . I guess I could only take one reality at a time . Before I left , my mom gave me a present . She had bought baby clothes while out with my sister . She hugged me , and said , " This baby will be okay , and so will you . " I wish she had been right . I 'll never forget those words . I will also always think of them with tears in my eyes . We drove back to Saskatoon . I think mostly in silence . I knew the bleeding was getting worse , and was concerned . The weather was bad , and I still hadn 't heard from Cameron . I did get a text from the father , asking if we should meet up to talk . I told him I was in Saskatoon . Also - according to facebook he had been back for a couple of days . . . so I didn 't care about making him wait longer . Also wasn 't ready to tell him I 'd already called a lawyer . When we got back to Denise 's house , I told her the bleeding wasn 't getting any better , and she encouraged me to call the health line . ( I 'm a HUGE fan of the health line ) . They - in turn - encouraged me to go to a hospital . Denise drove me to the emergency room . By the way - the emergency room , on a Saturday night - CRAZY . Busy and full of crazy people . We had a lot of distractions at least . We were in the emergency room until 3 in the morning . I had one doctor look at me , and then we waited for an ultrasound . This is a University hospital , so while the staff is great and professional , they 're also young and new . The doctor that came in to do my ultrasound looked in silence , and hummed and hawed . Then he told me , he didn 't see anything . He was concerned about that , and told me I 'd have to come back in the morning for a ' real ' ultrasound tech to take a look . We got home late ( early ) , and I waited for a call in the morning for them to tell me to come back . I probably slept , but not for very long . I got the call in the morning to come in , and Denise and I went straight back . I finally called Cam , and told him where I was . It was a message though because his phone was still dead . He had no idea . While we were waiting for the ultrasound ( MORE waiting ) , Denise spoke to Cam 's mom , and she went to his house with his phone charger . He called and spoke to me , and said he 'd meet us at the hospital . By the time he got there , we were back in the regular waiting room waiting for a doctor to tell me the results . Ultrasound techs have very good poker faces , and don 't give away anything . Cam came in , and put his arms around me . He was a rock already . How lucky was I to be in that hospital with my two rocks . Denise was there for me through everything , and I can never repay her , and can only hope that I can be as good of a friend as she is to me . Cameron supported me and was honest with me , and was willing to help me through the pain of losing a baby that wasn 't his . We finally got taken into a room ( the bad news room ) , and a new young doctor came in to speak to us . He was probably the most unprofessional of all of them . Cam and I sat together , and Denise sat in a chair . He told me I was miscarrying , and there were no longer babies - that 's right , he thought it was twins . It felt like he was speaking to and staring at Cam the whole time . He obviously assumed Cam was the father , but either way , I felt like he should be a bit more concerned about the person who was losing her baby . Denise had the most obvious reaction . She cried openly ( to the point that the doctor stopped speaking and asked if she was okay ) . Here 's something else he said that I 'll never forget . As he walked out of the room he mentioned getting his girlfriend pregnant , and now they have a kid and are getting married . I 'm not sure if that was supposed to give me hope . He also told us that 50 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage . ( that includes heavy bleeding that could be confused with having a period ) . It shocked me . It doesn 't now . As we left the hospital , Cam went to get the car , and Denise said to me , " To me , I 'm sad because it was your baby , but I can understand if you and Cameron have different feelings about it . " She was right . She would be the babies aunty no matter what , but Cam and I would have had to figure out how to deal with me having a baby by another father . We would have dealt with it , but it was no longer an issue . At that point , I was just exhausted and sad . I was also confused . This is going to sound bad , but it felt like I lost something I never had . It was growing in my tummy for such a small amount of time , that I didn 't even notice any differences in my body . I knew the baby was there , and I loved her or him , but I was still a bit disconnected then . Actually , I had already started a journal for the baby . I think I still have that as well . I glued in a picture of the pregnancy test , and a picture of me the first day I found out . I wrote letters to her or him . I guess I wasn 't as disconnected as I thought . I just remembered that . We drove home to Whitecourt that day . On the way home , I called everyone . Called or texted . I had to tell people then , and get it over with . My mom cried . She was as upset , if not more upset than me . ( Kind of like how Denise felt , I guess ) . It was my close friends and family I told . I also texted the father to tell him I had lost it . He replied back asking how I was , and I didn 't answer . That was the end . I 've mentioned my sister in passing , but she 's important to the story as well . Jodi and I email every single day , catching up on important things , or talking about things that aren 't so important ( General Hospital ) , so through the whole thing , I had her support , her love , and her excitement for me to be a mom , and for her to be an aunt . I also had her sympathy , and knew she would be there when I needed . The biggest thing about the whole situation , was I had never been a maternal kind of girl . I don 't relate to kids , and am a bit scared of babies . I never knew if I wanted to me a mom . Now , I do . I want to be a mom . ( I 've also gotten over the fear of holding babies ) . I didn 't go to work that week , but I heard and received emails from coworkers and friends . Here is the statement that isn 't needed when somebody is going through a tragedy . " Everything Happens for a Reason . " I 'm sure if I wanted to find a meaning right then , I would have , but it didn 't help . It just frustrated me . Looking back , I find meaning , but it wasn 't important to know at that point . That 's also when I found out how many others had lost a baby . It was a shared experience . You 'd think this would be the end of the story . Apparently , the miscarriage wasn 't over . The doctor had told me if the cramps or bleeding got worse to go to the hospital . I assumed if that were to happen , it would be sooner than later . It was a week later . I was sitting at home , in pain when I finally asked my friend Brittany to drive me to the emergency room . It was to the point that I didn 't feel comfortable driving myself . The actual miscarrying was the worst pain I 've been through . I didn 't know it would be like that . I don 't need to get into it , but thank goodness for pain killers . I was in the hospital for the weekend , and when I left , there was nothing left . I was no longer pregnant . It was two weeks of misery and two weeks of losing the babies . The physical pain was over . I had to deal with the emotional pain after that . This is enough for tonight though . I have cried a lot . Luckily , I 'm drinking a glass of wine , and watching Friends on DVD so I can look up and laugh when I need to . I had a doctor 's appointment in November of 2008 . I think it was the end of November ( maybe the start of December ) . I went because I wanted birth control . I was pregnant during the appointment . The doctor didn 't catch it . I knew I was late so when I went to the pharmacy , I bought both birth control and a pregnancy test . I only told one friend that I was considering taking it . She lives in Toronto , so I texted her while buying it , asking if she thought it was strange that I bought both at once . We both joked , I believe . Even though I was buying the pregnancy test , I didn 't really believe the result would be positive . Early in the morning , I went into the washroom and peed on a stick . As soon as I saw the result , I texted my friend . " I 'm pregnant ! " She asked if I was sure , and I was . I had bought the expensive test that says ' pregnant ' or ' not pregnant ' . My friend found out before I left the washroom that morning . It 's pretty easy to tell somebody through texting . The result was shocking . I didn 't know what to do , or who to tell . So I went to work . I was sitting in my office which I shared with a coworker . She must have sensed something because even though people were in and out of the room , I received a blackberry message from her asking if I was okay . So , once again , I told somebody the news by texting it . She hugged me and told me how happy she was about it , and I cried . It may have been the first time I cried - but NOT the last . One of the announcers came in while I was crying , but we didn 't explain . The day was a blur . I was in sales at a radio station , but I am pretty sure I didn 't make any calls that day . I had an event to go to that day for a remote . The sales manager called me into his office , and explained how we were having phone problems , but it wouldn 't ruin the remote . Then he asked me if that 's why I was crying earlier . It was funny to imagine crying over something so small when I was going through something so big . I tried not to tell him , but he kept guessing what I was upset about , and it just came out . He was a good boss , and I felt at many times that I could go into the office to talk about anything . I remember so much even though it was quite a long time ago . Strange how it all still sticks in my mind like it was yesterday . Although I seriously remember most of the conversation , it 's not all important . He was happy for me , and scared for me . Also , he said he was happy that I was talking about keeping it . That surprised me because I didn 't consider abortion . I need to say this before I go on . Just because I didn 't have an abortion does not mean I 'm pro - life . I think the decision to have an abortion is a horrible decision for somebody to make . I don 't judge . I can only imagine , that if I had made that decision , I 'd need as much support as I could . However , the thought did not even cross my mind . I knew I was going to have the baby , and I knew I would raise it alone . My boss also pointed out I was already touching ( holding ) my belly . I hadn 't noticed that . One other thing I remember about my conversation with him , and this actually came later in the day , but it 's the most important thing that he said to me . " I don 't want to worry you , but my wife had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy . " To some , that may seem mean , but to me , I found it respectful and honest . It 's a realistic thought , and it 's something anybody needs to consider . Especially in their first trimester . I am realistic about life , but I also had lived a life with no tragedy , and was in the ' it won 't happen to me ' stage of my lifeI knew in my head I shouldn 't tell anyone because of the obvious . ( and what the whole story is leading to ) . I told people . I 've never been one for secrets . I love to talk , and I hate holding things in . Once again , I 've learned my lesson . I called my best friend in Saskatoon at lunch that day . I told her , and she was so excited . I remember her talking about my boyfriend , and imagining our family together , but also we both knew it wasn 't going to happen . Shortly after finding out , she bought a ticket to fly up and see me . While writing this , I have teared up more than once . Not important to the story , but maybe it will give an idea of who I am . She knew I needed somebody , and she came . I can 't ask for anything more than that . Her role only gets bigger in this story . She wasn 't coming until the middle of December . By the end of the first night , I had basically told my everybody I work with , and two friends . That 's a lot of people . The next day I told my sister and my soon to be ex boyfriend . I won 't repeat that story . The only people left to tell were my parents . It took me a week . In fact , I spoke to my mom once and didn 't tell her . When I finally called her , it was the day of my staff Christmas Party . Possibly my first party that I would be not drinking at . I stood in my kitchen and told her . She was obviously in shock , but did say she thought something was going in on from our last conversation . Accidentally pregnant at 28 and afraid to tell her parents . . . My parents have wanted to be grandparents for a VERY long time , so even though they were surprised , they were happy . After I got off the phone with them , I began getting ready for the party . My mom phoned back , and had obviously gotten over the shock . She asked if she could tell people . I said yes , especially considering how many people I had already told . I figured a few more wouldn 't make a difference . My mom and I were in the ' safe bubble ' . We weren 't yet used to bad things happening - or tragedy , as I already said . My mom told her father , and my dad told his mother . ( my grandparents ) . Their reactions were similar , ' That 's Erin . ' I thought this was kind of a sad reaction . Only because it seems to me somebody who gets pregnant accidentally is a bit of a screw up . It made me feel like they felt that way about me . They weren 't surprised . I think I read too much into it . There was a certain moment , and I can remember it so clearly . I was driving home from Wing Wednesday when I felt calm . I felt it settle over me . That 's when I knew , it was okay . I knew I could be a mom , and I was prepared to do it alone . I guess I was at peace with my situation , and it felt good . I guess there are moments of the pregnancy I don 't remember . I 'll skip to when my friend came to visit . Denise came to visit . ( I don 't want to have a lot of names in this , but those who know me , know Denise anyway ) . Back story time : This is pretty important to everything . When I moved to Whitecourt , Denise knew somebody who also lived here . Her coworker , had a son living in Whitecourt . She had given me his phone number . It wasn 't really a set up , but it sort of was . She wanted me to be able to meet people here , and he was a cute guy who lived in the same town . Strange how with one phone call , I could have met him , and it would have been so easy . Instead , I went through all the work of setting up an online profile , and meeting a stranger . So , long story short , I didn 't call him . That 's the back story . She decided when she came to visit to call him . Actually , her exact words were , ' If you haven 't heard from the father , I 'm calling Cameron ! ' . I 'm letting his name slip into the story as well - because he 's in it . She called him , and we all met up for supper . I liked him instantly , but didn 't really believe that it would come to anything . I probably wished it would , but could have settle for his friendship . He was charismatic , and funny . He was nice . He also already knew I was pregnant . Denise had already told his mom , and she had passed along the news . He came with us to Edmonton the next day to drop Denise off at the airport . I was upset for most of the drive , and cried at the mall . It was so nice having somebody there who knew me , and loved me . It 's another moment that stands out because Cam saw me crying , and said , " You guys are best friends , aren 't you ? " I don 't even think that 's important , and if I were to try to get this published , I 'd edit it out . It just seemed like such a simple statement that said SO much . I didn 't want my best friend to go . We talked a lot on the way home . Talked and listened to music . It was nice and it was comfortable . I found him easy to talk to , and comfortable to be with . When I dropped him off at his house , he offered his friendship . I happily accepted . We were each heading home for Christmas , so wouldn 't meet up again until the New Year . Christmas and New Year were pretty quiet . I got baby gifts already . Just little things . I still have some of them , in my baby box downstairs . I came home and got back to work . Cameron called me , and we made plans to go to Edmonton together so he could drop off a rental car , and come back with me . We hung out , and shopped , and got to know each other . When we got home , we decided to go to visit my friends the next day in a town about three hours away . I liked that he wanted to do these spur of the moment things with me . This has nothing to do with the pregnancy , but everything to do with a relationship that we were about to begin . We began it . We skipped the dating part though , and went straight to being in a relationship . We moved too quickly - more quickly than I 've ever moved . He had no idea , but he was about to stick through the hardest part of my life . Which ends this blog entry . The hardest part is yet to come . I 'm hoping to write it tomorrow , but I end up staying up later and later every night , so we 'll see how I feel . There should only be one more part , and it 's obvious what it is . ( Won 't stop me from sharing ) . By the way , as with the other entry ( and most of them ) , I 've read through it once to edit and find grammar mistakes . That doesn 't mean I 've found them all . It 's almost 2 in the morning , and I have a habit of rushing . As far as I can tell , October is a month to recognize baby loss awareness , but it seems to be in the UK more than anywhere else . I 've attached a web address for the one in the UK . There is also a facebook group , and that 's how I first heard about it . http : / / www . babyloss - awareness . org / For this day , for this cause , I 'm going to tell my story . It 's one of my stories , but an important one . I 'm starting late , so I may not be able to finish it before I need to sleep . It 's probably not hard to figure out what this story is about , and I 've made no secrets about it . Frankly , I think the topic of miscarriage is more taboo than it should be . It felt to me that people didn 't tell me about their experiences until I had lost the baby . While it was good to hear that other people had a shared experience , it was a surprise to me how many had lost a baby . I 've both read and heard about other miscarriage stories . Mine is different . I guess everybody believes that they have different stories . Most of the stories I 've heard about married couples who have been trying to have a baby , and they lose it . This seems worse than what I went through . These people had planned to bring a baby into the world to love and care for . I didn 't . I 'm not sure where to start with this story . I guess the father . I met him online . I had just moved to my new town , and I didn 't know anybody . After being single , for a few years ( other than flings ) , I decided I wanted to be in a relationship . I just didn 't know how to meet anybody . It was my first attempt with online dating . Hopefully my last . There weren 't a lot of men to pick from . I started sending messages to one particular guy who lived out of town , and had a job that required him to be gone two weeks at a time , back one week , and gone again . It doesn 't seem like a desirable pick , but I decided to go for supper with him . To make a long story short , it wasn 't love . I was so focused on trying to make the relationship work that I didn 't stop to think that the relationship was going nowhere . I thought he was funny , and I thought his roommates were funny . They were fun , and they loved to drink . Looking back , I only liked him half the time . I thought he was moody , and irritating . His profile was much better than he was . We were together four months . Somebody pointed out after that , it was actually a 6 week relationship since he was gone most of the time . I 'm not very good at taking things slow . I can admit that . I easily jump into situations , relationships , and life . I don 't stop to think . I do things too quickly , which is probably why I end up getting hurt . Actually , looking back I can see that 's something different in me now . I 'm scared of life . I started dating him , and I was not on birth control . We were unsafe . It 's not something I like to admit , and it 's scary to think how precarious I was with my own life . I told him from the start that I wasn 't on birth control , and we needed to use condoms . He didn 't always listen , and I didn 't always stop him . I guess , I 'm lucky that the only thing that happened was getting pregnant . No STI 's , no HIV - just a surprise pregnancy . It wasn 't at all an attempt to get pregnant , or a way to ' keep my man ' . It was not planned , and a bit of a shock . I found out the first week of December . The father was at work ( so gone ) . I knew when he 'd be back , and was ready to finally tell him . I had already spilled the beans to coworkers . I knew in my head , that it wasn 't a good idea ( I knew the risks ) , but I guess I didn 't believe anything could really happen . My heart and stomach were nervous and twisting at having to tell the father , and my parents . When he came back , I had expected him to call . He didn 't . I called him - he didn 't respond to my messages . I knew that without knowing I was pregnant , he was probably planning to break up with me . I felt it , and believe it or not , I didn 't care . At that point , a break up was the least of my worries . He wasn 't answering my calls , so I went to his house . He wasn 't home , but his suitcase was there , so I knew he 'd be there some time . When he got home , he came and sat next to me . I told him we needed to talk . I 'm sure he was thinking that I would break up with him . He probably thought that would make his life a lot easier . Instead , I shocked him with the news of my pregnancy . It all felt so wrong . He didn 't want to be with me , and I had no idea what I wanted . Instead of manning up and breaking up with me , he slept with me . That - was the most hurtful , horrible way I 've ever been treated . In the end , it didn 't matter . I slept over at his place that night . It 's important to mention that this was also the last time I ever saw him . In the morning , we didn 't speak . Finally , I told him I was leaving . I went to start my car , and came in while waiting for it to warm up . I had a bit of a breakdown . My first of many . I cried . He came to me and apologised for not knowing what to say . We stood in silence . And then I left . This recap is sounding very matter of fact . My heart was breaking , but not over him . It was breaking over the things that were happening . I wasn 't unhappy about the pregnancy , but I wasn 't prepared from it . The next day , I saw on facebook that he was ' leaving town , to where , he didn 't know ' . He was gone over Christmas , and I never heard from him until I emailed him to ask what he was thinking . I told him in the email that I knew he was planning to break up with me , and I didn 't care about that , I just wanted to know what his plans were . He emailed back telling me we 'd talk when he came back from work , but he was planning to break up with me , and he didn 't believe we should stay together for a baby . He did want to help though . It made me angry because I didn 't want to stay together , he just assumed . It was over , and I didn 't care , and neither did he . I knew it was over the day I told him I was pregnant . I have a lot of resentment towards him . Towards any man who runs instead of facing what needs to be faced . I 'm glad I got the first bit done . In my next entry , I plan to talk about the pregnancy going to the beginning . So even though , I 've skipped bits this time , I just wanted to get the most insignificant part of the story out of the way . I can 't write it all in one blog . I thought I could , but all the stories are separate . So Entry One : the un - man who got me pregnant . Entry Two : - the pregnancy . We 'll see how it goes from there . I 'm not sure who is reading this , but please respect what I 'm writing about . This is hard for me . I 've wanted to write about it for some time , and am taking a major and scary step by publishing it for all to read . ( do one thing a day that scares you : pressing Publish Post is it ) . I used to write so much . I wrote true things in my journal , and fiction for others to read . To be perfectly honest , I was pretty good . I put myself into the story , and was able to feel things that I had never experienced in a different character . I can 't do that anymore . I keep trying , but I 'm not able to finish a short story . I do much better at writing non - fiction . Well - I would do better , if I sat down and started . I may have found it easier to write fiction when I was naive , and hadn 't experienced life . Now , my head is full of my own life , and things that are happening to people I know . I 've got a lot of memories and plans rolling around in my head lately . I 'm pretty sure it 's because my 30th is looming . ( I mean REALLY looming as it 's September 11th ) . I 'm actually not sad to be growing older . I love new phases . My 20s were great and busy , and I 'm so proud of what I did . However , I feel like I 'm still so behind in life . I guess , it 's the stereotypes I feel like I 'm behind in . I 'm turning 30 , and I don 't have a career or a husband or kids . I can understand not having all three , but I really wanted something . I 've been focusing on my career , I guess . I mean , why else would I have gotten a University degree and then go back for a Broadcasting diploma ? I had hoped radio was my career . Actually I still hope radio will be a career , it just can 't be in sales . Which means , I have to take a break from radio until I can find something . Once again , I 've gotten off the topic . I don 't have either of these . ( I 'm including marriage and kids as one , even though it isn 't necessary ) . I want a career , but if I have to work a crap job while still writing , that 's fine , as long as I 'm writing , and as long as the writing is going somewhere . ( I do want a great job too though ) . The marriage and kids . . . well I don 't have them yet . However , I 've found a man that I love more than anything . We live together in a great house , and have a cat and a dog . That 's a family . We aren 't married - we aren 't even engaged , but we 're happy and in love . I should be happy with that . I am happy with that . Kids is a topic I 'll have to get into later . Too much for the 30 post . When I was just a kid , I wrote letters to myself to open when I turned 20 . It 's something that makes me feel great about me as a kid . I loved writing even then . I opened them all September 11 , 2000 . That day , I decided to write myself letters for another 10 years to open September 11 , 2010 . I don 't know what to expect . There have been drastic changes from my first letter to the last . My 20s were a whirlwind of experiences and life . I might have to take a bit of alone time on that day . I guess , I have to go into my 30s with more goals because I 'm at a point in my life , where they feel important . Things that will make me a better person , things I want , fun goals and life goals . I 'll probably share them here . This isn 't what I had planned this post to be , but I guess that 's the way I am . Too many things rolling around in my head - as I said . I have to get them out one thing at a time . I 'll try to write tomorrow . No promises though . It 's getting late . It always seems to be late when I write . I put it off . Maybe it 's because I have too many stories to tell . I 'm either scared to tell them , or too lazy to tell them . I 've thought about so many different things to talk about since the last entry . I wanted to start with an easy story . Believe me , these past couple of years have not been ' easy stories ' . That 's in my opinion . I guess that 's the point of a blog . My hard luck stories are probably not even close to real hard luck stories . However , for most of my life , as I like to say , I was living in a bubble . I understood difficulties , but I had never truly experienced them . The worst I had experienced by the time I was 25 was death of pets and break ups . To be honest , the break ups weren 't bad . The most painful one was when I was turning 25 . I was in Korea , and broke up with my boyfriend of five years . That was hard , but looking back , not as hard as it should have been . Either way , I was still in my bubble . The stories I have are from beyond the bubble . The one I wanted to start with was about my condo , and the people I rented it to , but that 's so far into my bubble being popped , that it may cause confusion . I have a different blog about Korea . Which , I hate to say , but that 's where life started for me . That 's where I lost some of my insecurities , and began to live life . I stopped caring , and just did . That was probably naivety as well , but that 's the way I stayed for a few years . Either way , I 'm not going to start any stories from Korea because while they were important to the way I am now , they have already been read . I plan to someday write about my experiences there ( a book would be great ) , but not here . This is the place for me to be brave and talk about all those things I haven 't . I 'm going to start in Melfort . I stopped writing in broadcasting school . I lived in Saskatoon at that point . To be honest during the duration of Broadcasting school and being a receptionist at Leon 's Furniture , I was pretty precarious with my life . And I don 't mean in dare devil experiences . I should have cared more about myself when it came to flings and relationships because although I loved being single , I was actually pretty desperate . I don 't know how to explain it because I 'm no longer there . It 's like I was scared of relationships , but I wanted one so badly . Either way , I moved to Melfort for radio . Instead of going into broadcasting , I went into Creative Writing in radio . I wrote the commercials . And I loved it . What I had trouble with was Melfort Saskatchewan . ( I just googled it , but haven 't found the population yet , I think it 's around 8000 ) . I found it quite clique , and had trouble finding a group . I wanted friends , but found myself travelling to Saskatoon a lot to see my old ones . I had work friends , but they were married , with kids , and were happy . I loved that , but felt bad for myself . I feel like I should mention that at this point in my life , even though I was 27 in Melfort , I did not have my driver 's licence . It 's really something I was truly embarrassed to admit . I didn 't get it in high school because I was scared to , in University I took the bus and didn 't need it . In Korea we had a subway system , and I had no reason at all to drive . While I lived in Saskatoon , I walked everywhere , took the bus , and relied on friends . However , when I was in Melfort , I wanted to get out . What should have been an hour and a half drive to Saskatoon took about four hours on bus . Finally , I asked for help . I do not ask for help easily . When I asked , I cried because I was so embarrassed . My boss ( who was my age ) took me driving , and let me drive her truck for the test . I passed and had my license . It was that easy . Makes you wonder why I didn 't go earlier . You have no idea how long that was on my New Year Resolution list . The list started looking pretty empty after that . Back to how I got to where I am now . While in Melfort , although I loved my job , I craved moving out of Melfort . Let me make myself clear , I loved my job , and I loved my coworkers . I had a great time everyday that I was at work . To be honest , I miss it to this day . My job was to write every day . I gave it up so move . That was my motive . I wanted to get out of Melfort . I wanted to start my life and Melfort wasn 't the place for a single girl ( especially with no single guys ) . I wrote commercials for a ' sister ' radio station in Whitecourt Alberta . I loved it , but wished I lived in this far off town . I was given the opportunity when they needed to replace a sales person . Account Executive . . . My bosses convinced me ( although they were in sales as well ) , that I would love the job . I was ready for something new , and looked forward to the new experience . My travel bug instincts were in full force and I was ready . I 'm going to try to proof read now . But really , I 'll probably just press spell check . Which means nothing for the real proof reading . . . but it 's late . So hopefully tomorrow , I 'll fix any mistakes . It will have to wait though . I promised my friend that I would write every day , so that 's why this post is only a line . It 's almost 1am , and I work tomorrow . It 'll be a good story though . I promise . ( a real story , not a made up one . . . I 'm not ready to share my fiction with the world yet ) . Sorry , I know this is cheating ! " Do one thing a day that scares you ' . I have a lulu lemon bag that sits in my bathroom ( It holds bathroom stuff ) , and that 's one of the things it says . It has a lot of inspirational saying , but that 's the one I notice first . In fact , I 'll probably be quoting more from the bag in different posts . I 've already hopped off the topic . For a while in my life , I was completely comfortable with myself , with my life , and I felt invincible . I felt like I could do anything , and nothing scared me . Since than , life has kicked me , and I 've changed . I 'm scared of a lot more . In other words , to do one thing a day that scares me , shouldn 't be hard to do . I 'm scared of a lot of things . However , it feels like I 've been letting life pass me by . While , I don 't think I 'll be bungee jumping anytime soon , just coming back to this blog is a little bit scary to me . I know I 'm a good writer , but I 'm planning to write things here that are personal . I 'm planning on at some point telling the story about life kicking me when I 'm down . Not today though . I need to start slowly . The other worry I have about blog writing is that I don 't have a lot to say that deems important enough to write in a blog ( in my opinion ) . If you 've looked at the other entries , they 're not very interesting . Possibly because I haven 't made them interesting . I loved writing when I traveled . It seemed like it was something people enjoyed reading , and a great way to remember my trip . As well , I love reading blogs from people travelling , and doing exciting things . Or people going through scary things . I highly recommend The Bees Knees . You should be able to google it . It 's about a very brave woman ( only in her late 20s ) going through a battle with breast cancer . She was candid and honest about everything , and let people know what she was going through . It was well written , and so very sad . Those are the blogs that people should read . I 'm not there . This is going to be about my thoughts and my life . When I get brave enough , I will be completely candid , and talk about the last few years . Obviously , because the last entry was written in 2007 , and it 's now 2010 a lot has changed . So to quickly update on my life , I 'm living in Whitecourt Alberta right now . I came here for a sales position at the local country radio station . I LOVED working in radio ( before sales , I was a Creative Writer for the commercial ) , but I didn 't love sales . I met Cameron here . He 'll be mentioned a lot . |
The Sound of Music is one of my all time favorite movies . Julie Andrews , pre vocal cord surgery gone bad , is amazing . When Pit and Balcony did their production of it earlier in the year , I had to try out . I had always wanted to play Rolf , and I wasn 't getting any younger , so I had to do it . I consider doing that show one of the biggest mistakes of my life . I got the part of Rolf . . . of course , I 'm so talented , there was no way anyone else could have done it . Rehearsals started , and I realized how big of a jackass the director was , and how campy he was making the show . People will say that I have a bad attitude towards Rick , the director from the show , but I have good reason . Not only did he yell at me in front of the entire cast one day because I misunderstood a direction he gave me , he talked trash about my friends not realizing they were in the next room and could hear everything he said , and actually told someone not to cast me in a show since I was difficult to work with ( I was cast in that show , and the director later told me she was really glad she did because she enjoyed working with me so much . I 'm really not too difficult to work with ) . Anyhow , Janet Martineu . . . or something close to that , I don 't really know how to spell her name , reviews shows and art exhibits for the Saginaw News . I guess she wrote an article to recap the past year in today 's issue . Apparently The Sound of Music made her top 10 art events in Saginaw in the last year . I won 't go overboard and say the show was horrible , I was in it afterall , but it definitely wasn 't that good . I think someone was sleeping with Janet in hopes of getting her to say that . It wasn 't me though . . . I just vomited in my mouth a little thinking about someone sleeping with her . I smoke , enjoy it , and make no apologies for it . With that said , I have about 24 and a half more hours to smoke before I give it up for the new year . It will never happen , but that 's my resolution . As if smoking itself isn 't a bad enough habit , I have another bad habit that goes along with smoking . I pick a lucky cigarette . For whatever reason , everyone always bums ciggies from me . I really don 't mind , I like to feel important , but I always warn people not to take the lucky one . For those not familiar , the lucky one is the one you turn upside down when you first open a pack . You save it for the last one and it gives you good luck . Stupid ? Yes , but I do it anyways . Anyhow , as I was saying , people always bum cigarettes from me . I always warn them not to take the lucky one . They get annoyed after awhile since I tell the same people this day after day , so sometimes I don 't say anything since they already know the rule . I just need to say it every time . A few nights ago , I was out at a bar , and my friend , Sarah , asked if she could have one of my smokes . She knows the rules , so I didn 't say anything . About 15 minutes later , I look in my pack and my lucky cigarette is gone . Intentional or not ( and it was intentional ) , at least she didn 't waste it , unlike a certain someone . I won 't use names since I 'm nice like that , but about a year and a half ago , a certain friend of mine asked if he could have a cigarette while we were at the bar . He knows not to take my lucky cigarette , and will get pissy when I tell him not to . He was trashed beyond belief that night . I handed him the pack and continued the conversation I was having with someone else on the opposite side of the table from him . I looked over at said person a few seconds later and realized his smoke was on fire . Imagine a 3 inch flame coming from the end . The sad thing was , he was so drunk that he had it in his mouth and didn 't even notice the difference . He had taken the lucky cigarette and lit it backwards . I 've taken every opportunity to remind him not to take my luckposted by equippedtofascinate @ 8 : 21 PM 3 comments I 've been hoping for a certain phone call all day today . It just came , but I panicked and didn 't answer . I figured I would get a voicemail , but I didn 't . I like to be prepared before I talk to someone and know what they want to talk about . This is why voicemail is so handy . Now , I can 't call back because one of the first questions will be , why didn 't you answer . I don 't have a good story for why I didn 't answer , and I don 't want to lie . This is why people hate me . I never answer the phone , and I refuse to return calls if a voicemail wasn 't left for me . I think one of my New Year 's Resolutions will be to return calls and answer them . It will never happen though . I hate my mouth / smile more then anything in life . I was always teased about having a huge mouth when I was growing up , and it led to a huge complex as I got older . The irony is that the most common compliment I get is on my smile . The waitress serving my dinner tonight felt the need to comment on my smile . I had lots to smile about tonight ( thanks Natalie ) . Seriously , nothing makes me more uncomfortable then someone saying something about my mouth . I will automatically cover my mouth with my hand and think that someone is looking at it for the rest of the day . Am I alone with my odd insecurities ? Tell me I 'm not . I have no shame in stealing pictures form my friend 's blogs . Thanks Lisa . Anyhow , I had quite the experience . I should have said no to eating at The Texan . Instead , I agreed , and paid dearly for it . Let 's just say , you get what you pay for there . As soon as I started to eat last night , I knew it wasn 't a good idea . I had no idea just how bad it could be . I drove home , and went to bed . I figured maybe I wouldn 't sleep well , and possibly would wake with a little indigestion . Instead , I had a crazy ass dream . In my dream , I went to McDonald 's to get some fries . On my way home , I realized I had left my tray with my empty fry carton on the table , so I turned around so I could throw it out . As I was walking inside , one of the managers started to yell at me for leaving some of the food outside the freezer when I unloaded the shipment of food that day . I tried to explain to him that I didn 't work there , but he wouldn 't listen . I threw out my trash and left with him still yelling . As I was driving home , I saw 2 dogs running across the road . I stopped to pick them up . As I started to drive , a stray piece of rubber from my wheel wrapped itself around my finger . I didn 't notice it until I started to drive . I panicked , thinking my finger would be pulled off . Luckily for me , the rubber broke , and I was saved from dismemberment . Suddenly , the dogs in my backseat weren 't stray dogs at all , but my dogs . Funny how dreams allow sudden changes without explanation , but you don 't question it . I drove them home to reunite them with my dog who has been dead for 3 years . A few more strange things happened after that , but I don 't remember them anymore . I woke up at 4 : 30 laughing at this dream . I 've had crazy dreams before , but normally there is some continuity to them . This one takes the cake for the most random . There was no preparing for the morning . I was fighting nausea all morning . Damn The Texan for their cheap food available in the middle of the night . Never again will I eat you . posted by equippedtofascinate @ 9 : 15 PM 2 comments Merry Christmas everyone . Here 's a picture of Katie and me enjoying a Christmas tradition of playing Christmas carols for my family . Our 3 rehearsals sure paid off . We were amazing . I hope you can feel my intense sarcasm . Christmas was pretty uneventful . I made two of my nieces cry . One was scared of the stuffed animal I gave her , and the other was mad when I took something away from her . I have a way with kids . Part of the Christmas festivities included fostering a dog with a broken leg , that my work inherited , this weekend . No one would have been able to let him out over the weekend , so he came home with me . He is currently barking at me for ignoring him , so I guess I should pay attention to him and get ready for my family dinner . Hope everyone had a good Christmas ! I hope everyone has a fun , safe holiday season . Hopefully you 'll all spend time with people you love . I hope everyone travels stays safe . Have a happy holiday . Tonight was really exciting . I gave up my virginity . . . my Project Runway virginity , that is . I 'm going to piss off just about everyone that reads this , but I don 't understand the appeal . I 've been reading how this is such a great show for the last few weeks on everyone 's blogs . It wasn 't bad , but I expected more . Did I just happen to catch a bad week ? I expected the designers to do more trash talking while they cut a hole in one of the other teams designs . I don 't know , I just like a little more backstabbing in my TV shows . I 'll watch again in 2 weeks when the new episode airs , but I won 't have such high expectations . Maybe once I see a few episodes and am able to pick out a favorite , it will get better . Maybe not . I don 't know . I feel like the dorky kid who does the things that all the cool kids do just to fit in by watching this show . It has become my goal to watch and enjoy this show just so I 'm not confused by the posts I read every Thursday . Has anyone seen the commercials for this new form of birth control ? More importantly , does anyone use this ? Every time I see this commercial , I get a little confused . Is it a ring that actually goes around your junk ? I just don 't get it . Someone fill me in please , it 's driving me nuts . . . . most of the time at least . My day started off okay . Actually , I did some fun things this afternoon . I got some really bad news late this afternoon , and that kind of killed my mood for the day though . It was somewhat ironic that earlier in the day I was having a conversation with someone and she said that when things have been tough this year , she always realizes they could be worse . . . or at least something to that effect . I started thinking about that this afternoon . It 's funny how I can be on the verge of tears and my younger brother can be a complete asshole to me and make me laugh . I also got a phone call from a friend I haven 't heard from in about a month and had a great chat . It was my conversation with Lisa that made me feel a lot better . I won 't embarrass her , let 's just say she completely misunderstood what I said , and my dad is indeed alive still . It 's good to know I can still laugh . So , next time something bad happens , take our friend , Deena 's , advise . Life sucks most of the time , but it could be worse . I love Christmas carolers . I think more people should go out in the middle of winter and sing to random strangers . I 'm not about to do it , but I would love it if someone came to my house and sang for me . Last night was my first night back to the Junction in about 3 weeks . I couldn 't have picked a better night to go back . As Lisa and I were driving down the road , we noticed some carolers on the sidewalk outside some of the bars down the block . It put me in the Christmas spirit . We went to the bar and started drinking , when the door opened , and in walked the carolers . It wasn 't like there were 3 or 4 people caroling . There was about 20 of them . They didn 't come in to drink either , they came to sing . . . well , try to sing , they weren 't very good . I give them credit for doing it . The best part of our holiday friends was that they had a violinist with them . He played the music while they sang . I want to thank the genius who came up with the idea of going caroling to the bars . They totally made my night worthwhile . I haven 't laughed that hard in awhile . Also , thanks to Paul for coming out like he promised . . . bastard . I just found out that awards are given to the best blogs on the web . Come on . A blog is just a creative outlet for someone to share stupid stories and opinions . Why do we insist on recognition for everything ? Some people are just so vain and insecure . Ok , I can 't lie anymore . The thing that pisses me off the most about these awards is that NONE of you thought to nominate my blog . I realize it isn 't interesting , funny , and normally doesn 't make sense , but still . Thanks for all the support guys . I 'm glad to know that the minutes I spend writing stories for you to read over mean nothing to you . posted by equippedtofascinate @ 8 : 08 PM 3 comments For as long as I can remember , I 've had problems with sleepwalking . I don 't really know how often I do it , or what I always do when I 'm walking around . It freaks me out because I have no memory of it the next day . Just people telling me that I was walking around talking in the middle of the night . I have no memories of ever sleepwalking , but when I was younger , I would wake up laying with my head at the foot of the bed , and my feet on my pillow all the time . Since I was on the top bunk of a bunk bed , it wasn 't really an easy accomplishment . My brother told me that I once got dressed for school in the middle of the night and went downstairs to eat breakfast once in the middle of the night . Things like that made me uneasy , but the last few years have really freaked me out . I may have written about this before , but there are mornings where I wake up sore and bruised with no explanation . I sometimes will have grass and mud on my feet too . It bothers me to know that I go outside when I 'm sleeping . Last night , I apparently had a conversation with my mom . She said I told her that I was working all day today . She was a little surprised to see me when she came home on lunch . I was more surprised to find out I had been talking with her in the hallway at 5 this morning . Does anyone know any cures for sleepwalking ? I know mine is brought on by stress . Since I can 't really escape stress , I 'm willing to try about anything . Let me know . I was craving Tony 's for lunch today . I love their ravioli something fierce , which is sad , because it isn 't really too good , but I eat it all the time anyways . Anyhow , I convinced two of the people I work with that Tony 's was the way to go today . We ordered , I picked up the food , and I gorged myself on food . The ravioli comes with garlic bread . They put a lot of garlic on today . I 'm not complaining , because garlic is great . Three pieces of garlic bread that are saturated with garlic can be a little much . After lunch , I just wanted to take a quick nap . Instead , I had to continue working . As I was eating , I kept joking about how I was going to have rank breath the rest of the day . I shouldn 't have been so quick to joke . One of the girls told me she could smell the garlic on me when I talked when I was standing across the room from her . I brushed it off since she was standing next to the trash can where I had thrown out my wrapper that held my bread . She must be smelling that . I went into a small enclosed room to do an exam on one of our appointments a few minutes later . I started talking and realized that perhaps I needed some gum . I was pretty much gagging on my own breath . It was horrible . I could tell the people I was talking to could smell it , but they were trying to be polite . I left the room and started searching for a mint or gum . No luck . I made one of the girls go to her car and get me some gum . The gum helped for a little while , but it wasn 't enough . See , garlic makes me gassy . I 'm not one to cause discomfort by holding a little toot in , so I let it out . I think everyone was glad when the day was done today . I should never eat garlic again . posted by equippedtofascinate @ 11 : 06 PM 3 comments Christmas shopping and I don 't get along well . Every year I plan to start months in advance so I 'm not stressed at the last minute . Every year , I wait till the week before to start shopping . I also promise to not buy anything for myself while I 'm shopping . I 'm weak . Lisa and I decided to do some shopping together today . Lisa is a real trooper because if anyone ever invited me to go shopping with them and then was as moody as I was today , I would have killed them . I had a short time frame to hit lots of stores though . Anyhow , I was doing good . I got a few things and avoided any purchases that would be made for my own enjoyment . Then Lisa did the worst thing anyone could do to me when I 'm trying to not spend money . She decided to go into the Buckle to find something for her brother . I have no will power . I was in there about 20 seconds before I started eyeing up a scarf . Then I moved to the coats . Keep in mind that I own at least 13 coats already . Not exaggerated . I didn 't want to buy the first coat I was contemplating since it cost too much and didn 't fit too well . Then I saw the most beautiful coat in the world . Not really , but one that I liked a lot . Lisa already decided to buy me the scarf for my Christmas present , so I decided to get the coat and the earrings she told me to get her . I opened a charge account to save a small amount of money on it . I " m going to go over my limit in about 2 days . I 'm so dumb . My mom told me that all the kids were going to help make Christmas cookies with her on Saturday . She knows I work during the cookie making time , and it wasn 't an accident . I could pretend to be really offended by this , but I 'm not . I know why I 'm not allowed to help , and can 't believe it has taken as long as it has for me to get the boot . I was banished from helping to decorate Easter eggs years ago . I would write vulgar things on them with white crayons and then dye them the ugliest colors I could . When I bake , I intentionally drop egg shells in the food just so I can hear someone say that they just ate a big piece of eggshell . It doesn 't sound funny , but when someone says that every time you bake something and never realizes that it is intentional , it gets to be a little humorous . Anyhow , those little tidbits were just to give you a little insight into my cooking and baking skills . Molly and I have a tradition of hiding the Hershey 's kisses wrappers under the kisses on top of the cookies so you bite into tin foil when you eat one . Everyone knows to look before they eat them , so it doesn 't really have a good effect . We 've played that trick for too long . I also like to decorate cookies with as many hard decorations as I can so they are completely inedible . Last year I went a little overboard . As I 've mentioned before , I need alcohol to get through large family gatherings . I 'd had a few too many beers whilst baking , and decided to add a little beer to the dough to moisten it . My mom was the only one to not find it funny . Whatever . I 'll do my own baking party this year . Who 's with me ? Tonight was the last night of the show . I always have mixed feelings about a show ending . It 's always fun to have an excuse to see your friends every night , and I love being on stage . I 'm so excited to have my nights back though . I can spend time sitting at home alone being depressed about how I don 't have friends again now . Actually , the thing that I am most excited about is not having to smell the dressing room anymore . I don 't know if some of the people in the cast have something against showers and deodorant , but the dressing room was rancid . I would do my best to avoid it when there were lots of people milling around in there , but the stench lingered . I was going to buy air fresheners to put in there , but I never got around it , and figured the smell was just too strong for anything to help . I just wish everyone would have good hygiene like me . I was driving home from my show tonight , and the roads were horrible . I hoped that if I got on the highway , things would be better . They weren 't . I decided to drive slow since I didn 't really want to die tonight . About 30 feet later , I hit a patch of ice . Luckily , I was going slow , and there were no other cars on the road because I completely lost control of my car . I started to spin , and my rear end was headed straight for the guarder . I have no idea how I managed to not crash , but my car stayed on the road and didn 't hit anything . When it stopped spinning , I was facing the wrong way on the highway . I was freaking out , but I didn 't really have time to calm myself . I didn 't really want to get in a head on collision on 6 - 75 , so I had to turn my car around as quickly as possible . The road was still clear of traffic , so I did a beautiful 3 point turn . I got off the highway at the first available exit and drove backroads the rest of the way home , never going over 25 mph . Yes , I probably looked like a grandma , sitting upright in my car gripping the wheel as tight as I could going half the speed limit , at most , but I made it home safely . I think that makes everything okay . Thanks to Paul for his most recent post , which reminded me of this story . I 'm in a blogging mood tonight , and I apologize because none of these stories are the least bit interesting . I decided to go with a theme for the next week and relive childhood memories though . I 'll get tired of this theme by tomorrow and stop though , don 't worry . Anyhow , this story involves my youngest brother / sibling , Kyle ( Stinky . . . we all have nicknames , in case you haven 't guessed ) . A few years ago , Stinks needed something worked on with his car . I don 't really remember what it was , but fear not , that isn 't the important part of the story . This happened about the same time that I started to get into Smallville . He needed me to take him to pick up his car , but there was a Smallville marathon on TV . He told me we had to go halfway through the polite . Since the repair shop closed in about an hour , I had to go . I had never even seen that episode before . I 'm an amazing brother . Anyhow , we pick up the car , and Stinks says that he doesn 't think he has enough gas to get home . I told him we can stop to get gas , and he said he didn 't have money on him . I told him I would pay then . He responded with , he had more gas then he thought and it wouldn 't be a problem . We stared to drive home . About a quarter of a mile after passing a gas station , I noticed that his car was sputtering , and he pulled into the nearest parking lot . . . a fire station . I pulled alongside of him and asked what was going on . He had run out of gas . Since his car was parked in front of the garage that the fire trucks come out of , I told him he should move his car in case there is a fire and I would drive him the rest of the way home and get a gas can . His car wouldn 't start . We started to pound on the windows of the fire department in hopes we could talk to someone and they wouldn 't tow the car . The lady we finally talked to told us to hurry up and get gas so the trucks could get out . I started to speed home , I had an excuse to not follow the speed limit . The Kochville Fire Department wouposted by equippedtofascinate @ 11 : 24 PM 3 comments I spent so much time looking for a picture to go with this post , and it won 't load . Damn internet . Anyhow , I was talking with Deena at work today , and since she was reading Naked , I made the comment of , " I wonder how much of his stories are true , and how much is embellished . " Then I had a bit of an epiphany . I have great stories as well . Growing up with 7 siblings , you wouldn 't be able to believe the things we did . I just hope Molly doesn 't read this post cause she 'll shit a brick if she does . When she was in about 6th grade , Molly was walking home from school . It was a blustery winter day . MJ had to drop the kids off at the pool , if you know what I mean . Mind you , the school is about 100 yards from the house . You can walk it in about a minute if you have to . I won 't judge though , because when you have to go , you have to go . Anyhow , MJ decided to poo in the ditch halfway home . Why , I will never know . A few days later , she got really sick . As she tells the story , it was because she almost got pneumonia from taking a shit outside in the middle of winter . She was too embarrassed to tell my parents how she got sick , so they just thought it was the flu . Seriously though , who hasn 't had a similar experience ? Probably everyone . So I 've had a crush , bigger then the soda shown to your left for a long time now . Why am I such a pussy that I can 't act on things ? Maybe cause no one would ever like me , but that 's okay . I 'm fine just fantasizing . Life is safer that way . Yes , I 'm that pathetic that I will spend my life just wishing for things that will never be and be happy with that . Sometimes I think people just shouldn 't talk to me . Life would be far less complicated and dramatic if they would just cut me off . Why ? Because in the last 24 hours I 've had two people make very odd comments to me . I 'll start with the comment my mom made first , even though this was the second comment if we go in chronological order . My parents went to Wisconsin this week for my grandpa 's funeral . They got home today and I was asking how it went since I didn 't go . My mom told me that he looked terrible when she saw him . Then , she continued to say his face was as skinny as yours . Okay , I know that my mom didn 't really mean to say that my face looks like a dead person 's , but she also knows that I have real issues with how I look and should watch how she phrases things around me because now I have another complex . The second thing that was said was after rehearsal last night . I was sitting at a table and Paul said , your shirt looks clean tonight . I wasn 't wearing my costume anymore , just my normal shirt . The way I see it , there was only three ways to interpret this comment . Say thanks , and let the conversation move forward , assume that my shirts are normally dirty looking and this is a step forward , or be completely confused as to why someone would make such a random comment . I was confused , and still am today . The irony of this comment was that my shirt was actually dirty . What are some odd things that people have said to you ? Do you think Paul is an asshole ? I want people to comment on this . I just wrote a long detailed post about what happened , but my stupid computer froze before I could publish it , so now I have to write it again . I 'll give the short version . I was attacked by a cat at work today . He grabbed my wrist with his claws so I couldn 't pull my hand away without slitting my wrist and bit me three times . My hand is swollen about 2 times its normal size and I can 't use it for anything right now . I also am on antibiotics in hopes it won 't get all infected and fall off or something . I need a new job . Tomorrow is opening night of A Wonderful Life ( the musical , lets face it , I don 't do shows if they aren 't musicals ) . I was really apprehensive about it earlier in the week . Okay , I was a nervous wreck . Things weren 't going too smoothly . I was amazed at the run through tonight by the difference a week can make . Don 't expect too much . I don 't want really high expectations from anyone coming , because you 'll be let down , but it could have been a lot worse . Paul , you are my hero . I can 't believe how much you had to learn this last week . Be ready to be amazed by the leads in the show . . . the chorus , not so much . Wait till you hear Deena hit her high notes in her song too . Amazing . Sorry , this post was probably the most boring thing anyone have ever read . |
It is still so very weird to me that I actually believed all the things he said to me . And even weirder that it sill bothers me so much nearly seven years later . I feel utterly stupid that I didn 't get it that it was all a lie - but , you should know that it 's not ALL my fault ; he was really good at the lie . There 's a song by the band Seether in which the singer states : That pretty much sums up how I feel / felt / whatever . Ridiculously , in retrospect , I thought I was much smarter than that ; that no one could fool me so completely . Well , now I know that I was wrong on that count , too . You know , I guess it 's okay that it bothered - and bothers - me . I mean , I believed he was the love of my life since I was a teenager . In a way I only got involved with people who were , in a sense , disposable . Not too flattering - for them or me . I judged my feelings with everyone by my feelings for him , and their feelings for me by the way he had felt about me . Comparing is never a good practice , I know , but I didn 't know I was doing it . Well , I knew it , but I didn 't understand how MUCH I was doing it , nor how negatively it was impacting every romantic relationship of my entire life . I can see it now , of course ; I mean , don 't they say that hindsight is 20 / 20 ? Yepper . Definitely 20 / 20 . Even knowing all that now , though , I still don 't understand how I could be so taken in . Where were the signs that it was a lie ? Maybe … well , could 've been the small amount of time he was able to carve out for me after I drove over one thousand miles to spend time with him . Yeah , I guess that was a clue . I 'd be there a week and spend 80 % of my time alone . I guess that was a big sign , yes ? But when he was with me , he was WITH me . Loving me , crying , begging … and when I was away from him , there were hundreds of phone calls , thousands of texts . I mean , why would he do all of that if he was lying ? That 's what I couldn 't figure out . Unless , maybe , he WAS just trying to be kind to me - in a weird - wrong - twisted kind of way . He said later that he did it because he felt guilty that I had loved him so long . I had loved him . Hmmmm … . and that he had not been in love with me since nearly fifteen years earlier when he wanted to be with me but I said no - he had a child and one on the way . How could I break that up ? I couldn 't , so I sent him back to her and the children , knowing that was the right thing to do - and knowing that he would , in the end , hate me if he left his family and then wasn 't close to them . For a while I tried to believe that he was just saying all that about lying , that really he was a coward and just couldn 't pull the trigger . But I suppose I was wrong , and he really didn 't love me any longer . That is a horrible thing to accept … I kept others at arm 's length and never allowed myself to be happy because I was in love with him . When I believed we finally had a real chance at the happily ever after we both claimed to have always wanted … well , I was deliriously happy . And then I wasn 't . The tunnel was dark . For a moment she stood still , unsure where she was or even how she got there . Waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness , she trembled . She did not want to be here , not at all , and for a moment she considered turning around and going back … where ? Could she even get back ? Or should she move forward through the tunnel ? Looking behind her , she saw only more darkness . She was torn : take a chance on going backwards toward … ? The last thing she remembered was climbing into bed and drifting off to sleep , was in fact still in her nightgown and robe . She was afraid , but overriding her fear was a compulsion to continue to follow wherever the tunnel led her . For a moment , fear almost won out and she turned , hoping to find her way back to her bed . Then she heard it : a sad , mournful sound , as of someone in pain . Instinctively she turned toward the sound , listening for it to occur again . A moment later , it did , and somewhere ahead , far in the distance , she saw a small pin - prick of light . So she walked toward it , despite the pounding of her heart and the voice in her head begging her to turn around and run away , promising her that she would not like what she found at the end . Fighting herself , she continued moving toward the sound and the light , her pulse and breathing quickening with each step , her arms extended so that her hands , touching the cold , damp walls of the tunnel , could guide her . The further she went , the colder the air in the tunnel became , and she began to shiver . She wondered if she had somehow wandered into an underground sewer system . That didn 't make sense , some part of her brain thought . The floor isn 't wet , there aren 't any vents in the ceiling ( wherever that was ) , and besides , she had been in bed only moments before . How had she come to be here ? She stumbled then , and focused on where she was , instead of how she got there . The moaning was becoming more mournful , more pitiful . As she moved closer to the dot of light ahead , the desire to turn around grew even stronger , yet she continued on . Her breathing became shallow , her heart was racing , and she could feel the sweat running down her back . The closer she got to the sound , the worse she felt . After what seemed an eternity , she could sense that she was nearing the end of the tunnel . Oddly , while the moaning became louder , it also somehow became … lower . Deeper . More pain - filled . She was listening intently to the sound , attempting to figure out what it was about it that seemed so familiar . So intent was she on the moaning that she did not notice the thick piece of glass into which she walked . It was shaped like an arch ; it was thick , greenish , and difficult to see through ; like looking through the bottom of an old - fashioned Coke bottle . She stood there , confused , trying to see past the glass . She used the sleeve of her bathrobe to wipe at the barrier before her . Dust and dampness covered her sleeve , but she could at least see a little bit of the room on the other side of the glass . She was looking into what appeared to be a kitchen . There was a table and four chairs , a sink , wooden cabinets , and a refrigerator . No lights were on in the room and she realized that the tiny bit of light she had glimpsed and then followed actually came from a street light outside the window above the sink . Using the left sleeve of her robe , she swiped at the glass one more time , hoping to enlarge her view of the room . Now she could see there was someone slumped over the wooden table . It was a man . His head was down on the table , and he was muttering to himself . The thickness of the glass muffled the sound so much that she couldn 't make out what he was saying , only occasionally catching the words , " No " , and " Please . " Then he began moaning again . Moaning and shaking his head in the negative . Confused even more than she had been , she watched him sit there , wanting to offer assistance , to find out who this man was and what was wrong with him . Who was it ? Why was she here ? What was going on ? She tapped on the glass to get his attention but he was oblivious to her presence . Suddenly he got up and lurched to the sink . He turned on the water and splashed his face , shaking his head afterward , the water drops flying from his hair like those coming off of a wet dog . Then he looked out the window towards the street light . When she saw his profile , she recognized him : it was Nick . HER Nick . Nick , whom she had not seen in more than twenty - five years . She reached out to the glass , tracing the outline of his face . Nick . After all this time . How had she come to be here ? What was wrong with him ? Why was he in so much pain ? ? How could she help him ? She began to bang on the glass in earnest , now , and screamed his name , but it was all in vain . He didn 't seem to hear her at all . Tears were running down his face and he continued his low moaning . When he turned away from the sink , he seemed to be staring at something she could not see . His face , now hidden in shadow , was difficult to see , but his eyes were open wide with fear , the whites standing out in the darkness . She looked wildly around the kitchen , trying to see what he could see , to understand why he was so afraid . And then she saw them : The Shadows . Even though the room was dark , she could make out shadowy shapes in the room , all of them moving toward Nick . Surrounding him . Nick covered his ears and shook his head no , begging , pleading with them to leave him alone . Although Nick 's voice was difficult to understand , the voices of the shadows came to her clear as crystal . Nick continued to shake his head , hands clamped over his ears . The shadows moved closer to him , hemming him in as they made a circle around him . He was sobbing and shaking . The Shadows danced around him , taunting him , encouraging him to … to what ? Then she knew . They wanted him to kill himself . A bottle of pills suddenly appeared in his hand . His head continued to move from left to right and tears continued to stream from his eyes . Trying to distract him she banged her fists into the glass over and over , screaming his name with each blow . He never looked up ; instead he seemed to fold into himself and she knew he was giving up . " NOOOOOOOOO ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " She screamed again and again , watching in horror as he opened the bottle and swallowed every pill . Nearly hysterical now she pounded incessantly on the glass , screaming his name until her voice was nearly gone . He still never looked her way . She watched as he began to lurch around the room , his balance off . Crying , she could do nothing but stare as he slid to the floor . The Shadows joined hands and danced around him in glee as his body fell to the floor with a thud , onto his back , his arms spread wide . As he fell to the floor , she slid down the glass , pressing against it as hard as she could . Wiping her hair out of her eyes , she realized that her hands were covered in blood from beating on the glass so long and so hard . She was sobbing uncontrollably and slid , herself , to the floor . All at once , there was someone beside her : her son Richard . He knelt down and pulled her up into his big strong arms , patting her hair and making little shushing noises to calm her . She grabbed onto him and tried to explain what had happened , though she was difficult to understand through her tears and her hiccupping sobs . He glanced through the glass to the dead man on the other side . Richard was relentless in his pull . " No , mom . We have to go now . It 's too late . Dad just couldn 't live without us anymore . C ' mon . " He continued to pull her back down the tunnel , back towards her bed . She struggled against him , trying to get back to the glass , but she was no match for his size or his strength , so she finally gave in and let him pull her along , glancing back frequently . Now there were red and blue lights flashing in the kitchen where Nick lay dead . Her body was shaking from her sobs , her head was pounding , and she was surprised to look down and see that she was leaving a trail of blood behind her . Richard just held onto her tighter , half dragging her back , away from the horror she had just witnessed . " He 'll be okay mom , I promise . And he will be back . Now just isn 't the time . Sh , it 's okay . " i don 't know if i can promise not to go april 2nd . i 'd like to say of course , i promise … but i don 't want to lie to you . i feel such a need to go . have done for so long . and this is the first time i have had the opportunity since … well , since , you know . for the first time ever , i dreamt of them all last night . i was outside a house and the front door was open , just a glass storm door closed on the scene . i was sitting at a table in the yard . i saw his older son playing with his daughter on the floor . other people were on the couch , watching them and , i think , tv . his wife , his younger son , and the older son 's wife were on the couch . his wife and younger son looked out the door and saw me . they frowned . my eyes met hers and she looked away , to her right . michael was walking into the room , calling to his granddaughter , and smiling . he saw his wife 's look . he stopped . she looked back out the door and he followed her gaze and saw me . his jaw dropped . everyone looked out the door . i shook my head , got up , and walked away . i think he came to the door and stepped out , but i didn 't turn around . it was sad and weird . i just really feel the need , yes , the need , to go . i may not , but i am desperate to be there again . can you understand that ? Rose sat bolt upright in her bed and looked around , confused . That 's odd , she thought . Why would I dream about him now ? She shook her head , took a drink of water from the carafe on her bedside table , and settled back under the comforter . Jeff slept soundly beside her , mouth open as usual , snoring . Sleep claimed her again , and this time it was dreamless . At work the next day , she felt off somehow , like something was nagging at the back of her brain . Throughout the day she drifted off into space , her mind blank , and it took her much longer than usual to get the client billing done . Then she had to complete an inventory of the editing truck they had brought back from the beauty pageant two days before . By the time she got home , she was exhausted and eager for bed . Luckily , Jeff wasn 't home when she got there , so she quickly showered , brushed her teeth , and put on her nightgown - an old , comfortable flannel one . She crawled into bed and fell asleep almost immediately . That night , when she awoke , she knew something was dreadfully , terribly wrong , and it wasn 't only the dream in which she had been trapped that filled her with fear . Afraid to look around the room , she opened her eyes only a very tiny bit , little reptilian slits darting around the room . Outside the moon was nearly full and the silvery glow was pouring into the bedroom window , making it easier to see than usual . Suddenly she knew what was wrong , but she couldn 't quite wrap her mind around it . Jeff was on the bed , on top of her - perhaps it seems incredible that she hadn 't known that sooner , but she had been deeply asleep , dreaming , and it had taken a while for her consciousness to fully rise to the surface . He was on top of her , naked . Her nightgown was pulled up around her hips . This in itself was not particularly odd , as he had some weird habit of fucking her ( yes , fucking , it certainly wasn 't making love ) when she was asleep - almost like he believed she would reject him if he approached her when she was awake . Which she probably would have done . This had happened several times now , though , and she just let it happen because it was easier than fighting him off . She had , to her credit , asked why he did that to her , had asked him to stop . His only answer to why was , " I don 't know " . His answer to being asked to stop was to wait a week or two before assaulting her again . This time , tIn a mercifully short time , Jeff was finished . She thought she would give herself away and jump up when she felt his hot sperm land on her stomach . It was all she could do to keep from wretching and flinching . She did stiffen like a board , knowing by then that he was too drunk or high and too aroused to notice much of anything except his own need . Her eyes tightly closed , she heard a dull thud as the hammer hit the floor , and the squeak of the bed springs as he fell over to the side . Within moments he was snoring . She lay there , tears flowing from her still - closed eyes , pulled down her night gown and moved as far from him as she could in the double bed they shared . She kept repeating to herself , That didn 't really happen . It didn 't . It was just a bad dream . He wouldn 't do that to me … To prove it , she forced herself to look down on the floor beside the bed to see if the hammer was really there . Shit . It was . She got up then , quickly , heedless of waking Jeff , and ran into the bathroom where she ( who NEVER vomited ) threw up repeatedly . She cried as she knelt in front of the toilet , great wracking sobs . Finally spent , she got up , washed her face and brushed her teeth , and returned to her house of torment . She climbed back into bed , careful this time not to do anything to disturb Jeff . She stayed on the very edge of the bed , tense and taught as a bowstring , waiting for the snake next to her to strike again . But he snored on peacefully . She hated him then , more than she ever had done in the past , but her hypervigilence took it 's toll and eventually she fell asleep again . In her sleep she saw Christopher . He was in a car when suddenly there was a bright flash of light and a nauseating crunch of metal . The next thing she saw was his crumpled body in the car . His face was bleeding , as was his arm , profusely . His leg looked to be at an odd angle . She screamed his name and woke up . Little more than a week later Jeff hit her for the first time and knocked her down the stairs . Later she would find it curious that he had done the two things she had specifically said she could not , would not , tolerate : sexual abuse ( she 'd had enough of that already ) , and physical abuse . The night he hit her , after she returned home with his " two fucking packs of cigarettes " , she had told him he had to leave . " I am going to my dad 's in two weeks to stay there for two weeks while he 's out of town . " He had looked at her angrily and replied , " Alone ? " She nodded . " Well , I don 't want to stay here at your mom 's house alone ! " She smiled at him . " That 's the general idea . Pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house . I don 't care where you fucking go , but you cannot , repeat , NOT , stay here . AND I want a divorce . " At that he cried and apologized for being such a bad husband . She just sighed and told him not to worry about it , that their marriage had been a mistake from the beginning , made for all the wrong reasons . She loved him , but not like a husband . She had felt gratitude towards him for " rescuing " her ( or so she thought ) from the relative who was sexually abusing her . When Christopher had written and told her to marry Jeff , be happy , and have lots of babies , what else was there for her ? ( Of course , that was partly her fault , too , as she had not told him the truth about what was going on or about how much she still cared - what if he didn 't want her ? What if he was repulsed by her now that she was damaged goods ? What if he didn 't love her , only pitied her ? Nah , better not to take any chances with that , just hope he would see through the lies she told him . But , he didn 't . ) No one cared or believed her when she tried to tell them about what was happening to her … She was angry at Jeff , but felt guilty because she , at least , had known she was doing something wrong in marrying him . Maybe that was why she took his abuse for so long : she believed she deserved it . Once it was said , Rose felt much better , much calmer , more at peace than she had in a very long time . She was able to sleep , although she went downstairs and slept with her sister . And again the dream came . The car wreck , Christpopher covered in blood , leg broken . This time , though , there was more . She was in the hospital standing by his bed . His head was bandaged and there were all kinds of IVs in his arm . She was holding his hand and talking to him , telling him that she loved him and that he would be fine . At one point his head turned towards her . She smiled at him and told him he would be fine , that she was with him . The shock on his face was almost comical . Then she woke up . What the hell ? ? ? ? she asked herself . " I 'm afraid of what I will hear … . I don 't know . Won 't you do this for me ? ? Please , pretty please with sugar on ? " " Hello " , she heard Donna say into the phone . " My name is Rose and I was trying to reach Christopher . Is he there by any chance ? " Instantly the grandmother 's tone changed to one of welcome . " Honey , let me give you his number , he will be so glad to hear from you ! Call him right away ! " " Well , honey , it 's funny you would ask that because about two weeks ago he was in a pretty bad car accident . " Donna 's eyes nearly popped out of her head and she looked at Rose in awe . " A car accident ? " Rose 's heart sank . " Yes , dear , and he broke his leg , and had some other hurts , but he 's okay now . So you give him a call . Bye now . " " Bye , ma ' am " , Donna said as she hung up the phone . " Did you hear that , Rose ? ? He was in a car accident , just like your dream ! And his leg was broken ! How did you know ? " " No . This is one call I need to make myself . " Breathing deeply , Rose picked up the phone and dialed the number Donna had scribbled on the paper . The phone was picked up on the second ring . It was him . " Hello ? " he asked . She was at a loss for a moment and didn 't know what to say . She lamely ended up saying , " Uh , hi . Bet you don 't know who this is ! " How lame was that , she thought to herself . Dead silence greeted her . " Um , hello ? Are you there ? " They began to talk , and it was like they had never parted , really . Suddenly he said , " You know , Rose , it 's really strange that you would call me now . I mean , at this time . " " Well , a couple of weeks ago I was in a pretty bad car accident " , he began . " I 'm okay now , but the strangest thing happened while I was in the hospital . There was a nurse there , and I couldn 't see her , but she was holding my hand and telling me that I would be fine . And she called me " Christopher " , not " Chris " like everyone else , and , well … it was YOU . I know it was you . Isn 't that stupid ? " He sounded embarrassed , like he wished he hadn 't told her . |
So . . . I wasn 't going to post this until Saturday , but we 're lookin ' at a really busy next 4 days , so I 'm posting it now . : ) I was forcing myself to come up with a story with 2 of my friends from camp in it , and it came whilst canoeing in the Rocky Mountains with my family ( canoeing in the rain , hence the rain storm on the raft ! ) . It took a lot of research with regard to the Alamo and the Wichita Indians . { Edit , October 29 , 2010 . We visited the Alamo yesterday , and I saw some things I needed to fix in this after that . What you read now is the edited version . Not much is changed except for historical accuracy - from a better understanding of what was actually going on with the battle and sides of the war , the actual events of the Alamo , and maybe a closer understanding of what it would have been like from being inside of the Alamo . Even still , I know this story doesn 't come anywhere near close to the intensity of emotion experienced by those at the Alamo } " I now want every man who is determined to stay here and die with me to come across this line , " Colonel William Barett Travis said , his sword coming to a stop in the dust . I gripped my cousin 's arm more tightly , eyes gazing up at him , then across to his uncle . " What 's it mean , Kevin ? " I asked . Kevin looked down at me through his thick eyeglasses and put a finger to his lips . I felt like stamping my foot . Kevin wasn 't usually like this . More men moved forward . From my side , a quiet voice spoke . " What 's going on ? Explain it to me , Rebekkah . " " Kevin won 't explain , Catherine . " I sighed . " But there 's a line in the sand , and lots of men crossing over it . " " Hush , he 's talking again . " Kevin said , elbowing me . " … and so we will fight , to protect our wives , children , sisters , mothers - even if it leads to death . " A chill ran down my spine . Kevin must have felt it , because he put his hand on top of mine . He looked down at me again and the look in his eyes mirrored mine . That 's what it 's about - death . And death would come . Even now , it was close for some . " Go now - we must prepare to defend the Alamo . " Uncle William rejoined his wife , my Aunt Sara , Kevin , Catherine , and I . Catherine grabbed my elbow . She was blind , and had been since she got sick at six years of age . Seven years later , it hadn 't gotten any better . That 's why I was in Texas - Uncle William and Aunt Sara wanted to move back up North , but wanted my help moving . War broke out almost immediately after I arrived in Texas . I didn 't understand it all , but Uncle William always explained what was going on to his family whenever news came . We settled Texas when the Mexicans opened it up for settlers . We were happy and well - treated , living peacefully under the constitution . The trouble started in 1834 , when the elected Santa Anna abolished the constitution and began overly taxing us and mistreating us . Soon fighting began , when Santa Anna sent his brother - in - law , the head of an army , to take the cannon given to settlers at Gonzales for protection . They said " come and take it . " That was the start of the war . Now it was March of 1835 . We had been trapped inside the Alamo since February 23rd . The Spanish were all around us . They fired howitzers often , trying to lower our morale and keep us up all night so that we would weaken . In the previous week and a half we had sent out many pleas for help to the United States and to the people of Texas . None had come . Just today , March 5 , our commander William Barrett Travis , had received word that no help was coming . Thus the line in the sand . The Spanish were flying the red flag of no quarter . Travis knew that with our weak forces , all the men would die . I wondered if we women and children would be spared . But really the point of no return had happened much earlier than when Travis drew the line . We heard it all and mapped it out from our homestead near San Antonio . But when the fighting came closer to home , Uncle William had us come to the Alamo with fighting men and a few other civilians . The walls of the old mission were thirty - two inches thick in most places . I felt safe , but wondered if it was a false " I don 't want to . " " But we 're so confused ! " Catherine said . " What , about the death part ? " I took two steps to match Kevin 's long ones , and Cat took three to match mine . " The Alamo 's strong . We 're strong . " I persisted , but without assurance . Kevin lowered his voice so that Cat wouldn 't hear . " Not as strong as they are . He was asking us to die , Rebekkah . Die . A line in the sand , no turning back . That 's what it means . " I chewed on my lip , and then glanced up at Kevin for help . " He was asking the men to make a tough decision . " Kevin said decidedly . Catherine shrugged , seemingly satisfied . I repeated my previous question . " Out . At least for now . There 's forest not too far from here . " Kevin 's blue eyes were steady as he replied , but I knew he wasn 't happy with his father 's decision . " You and I are both under my father 's authority , like it or not . He 's hoping we 'll survive and make it up to your family . " We were entering the Alamo now , and both grew quiet . How many would meet their deaths here ? How soon ? Kevin looked down at me again , and my eyes met his . Without saying anything , I knew he was as troubled as I was . " Rock of Ages , " I whispered , reminding him of our favorite hymn . " Let me hide myself in Thee , " he continued . Then he smiled , and we all began singing . Soon I dropped out , content just to listen to everyone else sing . We stopped at the far end of the church . Everyone was putting their things in piles until they were told where to put them . Women were unpacking necessities , and men were cleaning their weapons while their young boys looked on longingly . " Here will be just fine , " Uncle William dropped what he was carrying and we all did the same . " Take what you need . " Kevin clenched his jaw , but nodded . I knelt down next to him as he rummaged through our belongings . " You can 't be angry at your pa , Kevin , not now . " " I 'm not angry at him . " He looked at me again , and I noticed his already fair skin was even paler than usual . " I 'm scared to death , Bekkah , and trying not to cry for what 's coming . " " I keep telling myself ' Be strong and courageous . Do not be frightened , and do not be dismayed , for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go . " " This is kind of the opposite of Jericho , isn 't it ? Those who fear God are inside and those who don 't are without . I stood and left , brushing dirt off my dress . My eyes wandered down to the ground as I walked and I noticed that my boots were three shades of brown lighter because of the dust . I said hello to Cat , who was sitting on a bedroll , just listening , and then trudged on to find Aunt Sara . She and other women were turning one room into a hospital - there were bedrolls on the floor - people had willingly given them up as no one expected to sleep in the coming night - buckets of water were nearby , blankets , anything that could be used as a bandage … " What can I do , Aunt Sara ? " " Nothing that I see … but come keep me company , Rebekkah . " I sat down next to her where she was organizing what few medical supplies people had . I wanted to stop thinking about it , but couldn 't so asked aunt my question . Aunt Sara laughed . " Do I look like God , that I should know the future ? " She stacked some small boxes . " We must trust in the Lord , and place our hope in Him - not our men or their weapons . But you and Catherine will be safe with Kevin . Tell your mama that I love her . " " I don 't rightly know … I don 't know that we 've done right in the days leading up to this . Maybe we should have left at the beginning of the war . But now that we 've gotten here to the Alamo , the men must make a stand - bravely - to take an account for their previous actions , and to protect us . This is the only place - and the safest place - for us all . " " And so we die . I want to stay here , Aunt Sara . " " No . Your uncle has said that you children must go . You have a chance at life . Take it and rejoin your family . Love , laugh , grow … don 't throw it away . " " For all of us , Rebekkah - your uncle and I , to know that you have a chance to live , Kevin , to have someone behind him , Catherine , for a friend , and so she does not fear . Though it may be that she understands the ways of the Lord more than we do , for she sees things in a different way . " What do you mean , Aunt Sara ? " " Because she cannot see , she focuses on other things , thinks about other things . You ask her what she 's thankful for and it 's not something tangible like a home or family , but something like God 's sense of humor . Listen to her - she has much wisdom . " " So do you and Uncle William . I am so thankful to have been with you and known you . Aunt Sara , I don 't want you … " My voice cracked . Aunt Sara held me close , and the tears fell freely . It felt good to cry , and I think I needed it . In God 's hands , in God 's hands , in God 's hands … I kept repeating those words in my mind as we walked . Cat clutched my elbow , and our few belongings were strapped tightly to our backs . The weight of it all provided a sense of security and being wrapped up or covered in something - but we were - in God 's love and protection . Kevin 's straw - colored hair reflected the setting sun , and he tried to keep our spirits up by sharing with us things he 'd read about trees in books . Catherine and I listened . I found the facts rather interesting , but the detail with which Kevin talked about them bored me . I would whisper into Cat 's ear , and she would laugh , then Kevin would sigh , but keep talking . Somehow we got out safely . Somehow God blinded the eyes of the Spanish and we passed through their lines safely . From time to time a howitzer was fired . Each time I jumped and clung to Kevin . It was nearly four miles to the forest . We finally saw the trees that Kevin enjoyed talking about so much . I wondered how much shelter they could provide . I turned and looked back - I could no longer see the Alamo in the distance . " Do you think we 'll hear it ? " I asked . " Hear what ? " " It . " Kevin shrugged . " I 'd rather not think about that . " " Then let 's not . " We walked on in silence for a few more minutes , entering a blanket of trees . The sun peeped through the leaves where it could , leaving odd shadows on the forest floor . Kevin set his pack down on the ground in a small clearing . " You and Cat stay here . I 'll go look for firewood . " He helped Cat take her pack off , then left . I looked through our bags . We had some food and water , a blanket , their family Bible , and a change of clothes . I pulled out some food for dinner and spread out the blanket . Then I helped Catherine sit down and sat down next to her . Dawn came too quickly . During the night , Catherine fell asleep and slept soundly , but Kevin and I spent a restless night lying awake under the stars . I wondered what everyone was doing back at the Alamo . Were they lying awake like us ? Were they singing and dancing to get their minds off what lay ahead ? Did they force themselves to sleep because they knew they 'd need their rest ? I tossed and turned thinking about it . Kevin lay on his side , eyes wide open and staring at the remains of the fire . In the moonlight , I could just barely see him , but the dim light was reflected in the tears that rolled down his cheeks . I envied Cat 's ability to fall asleep - and how we protected her from fear . I wished I could have the same innocence . When the first gleam of sunlight appeared through the trees , I sat up . " I wonder if they survived the night , " I whispered . " Who 's they ? " Kevin now sat up , and picking up a stick poked at the fire . " Us . " " Mmm . " Kevin said absentmindedly . " I 'm glad we can 't hear anything . " I stared in the direction of the Alamo . The trees blocked any hope of seeing it , but then I wondered if I really wanted to see it . " What do you think is happening ? " " No , I don 't think so . They were saying no quarter . Either we win or we all die . " " What 's Santa Anna like ? " I wondered . Kevin stood and started acting out an aristocratic soldier . I giggled . Kevin twirled a fake mustache . " So how will it start ? " He shrugged . " We shoot some , I guess . " " They shoot back . " We grew serious again . " It felt good to laugh . " " Sure did . I hope we laugh again soon . " We didn 't . That whole day we spent fretting , pacing , anxiously watching the edge of the forest , straining our ears to hear anything . Catherine chattered away , oblivious to the danger her parents and even we were in . " If they finish at the Alamo , they may skirt out to find stragglers , " I had overheard Uncle William telling Kevin before we left . " Be on your guard . " " Tell us more about trees , Kevin , " Cat was saying . Cat laughed . I wished I could join her , but didn 't have the heart to - not while I wondered if my aunt and uncle still lived . " Are all of the trees the same kind ? " I set off , hunting for leaves . I found two different kinds easily , and soon found a third . " I have three kinds , " I yelled to Kevin . " Come on back , then ! " I ran and placed the leaves in Cat 's hands . She ran her fingers over them , first feeling the long oak leaves , then the wider maple , and finally the heart - shaped Aspen leaves . She held up the one I 'd brought from the aspen and smiled . " I like these ones best , " she said . " So do I . " I looked up at the trees towering above us . " They 're from the Aspens . I love aspens . " Kevin nodded , but it was an absentminded nod . Somehow we entertained ourselves until nightfall , and then we cooked dinner over the open fire and Cat went to bed . " Come with me , Bekkah , " Kevin said . I followed him to the edge of our clearing . " I have to go see what 's going on , " He said . " You and Cat stay here , and keep quiet . If I 'm not back by morning . . . " He shook his head . " I don 't know . You 're smart , you 'll figure something out . " " No . " I crossed my arms over my chest . " You can 't go and leave Cat like that . Your dad told you to protect us . I 'll go . " " I can 't let you do that . It 's too dangerous ; you 'll both be safer here . " I sighed . " And there 's less loss if I die . " He said quietly . " Fewer people to miss me , if ma and pa are gone . " I couldn 't meet his gaze . " Then go , " I said . He nodded , and then took off running . " Oh Jesus , keep him safe ! " I prayed . I rested against a tree and watched the darkness swallow him up . Then I moved closer to the fire . The March air was cold , and I wished we had another blanket - but no , Cat needed it more than I did . All alone in the darkness , my thoughts quickly turned to my Savior . I 'd gotten into a habit of talking to God regularly and like a good friend . I wished there was enough light by the fire that I could read the Bible , but there wasn 't , so I had to be content praying and quoting what scripture I had memorized . It felt so good to rest on the promises that God had made me - us , all of us , His children . There in the silence of the forest , I was reminded of God 's perfect plan in all of this . And that whatever His plan was , it was just what we needed and He would bring us safely home in the end . Oh , how I longed for home at that moment . Not my earthly home as many would think , but my heavenly home - the place where all battles would be ended , we would be reunited - and best of all - sit in God 's presence forever ! " Return quickly , God ! " I looked at Cat sleeping by the fire . She was so peaceful . Even though she was only two years younger than I was , I always thought of her as both younger and older . Older , because as Aunt Sara had said , she had much wisdom . But because of her innocent and simple ways , she always seemed young . I wished I could be more like her . I lay down next to Cat and hoped that I could fall asleep but wake up before Cat did . I slept well that night , resting on the promises of God . The sun woke me up as its first rays peeped through the trees . I sat up to find Cat sitting and letting the sun warm her face . She must have heard me stir , for she spoke . " Something 's different this morning . " " I don 't know how long exactly . A while . " " Where 'd he go ? " Catherine demanded . My vague answers weren 't satisfying her . I sighed . I knew that Cat wouldn 't leave me alone until she got an answer . She was already worried enough , I might as well tell her . " He went back to the Alamo . To see what 's going on . " Cat didn 't reply , but after a moment of silence , she reached out for my hand , and then put a finger to her lips . " Listen . " I didn 't hear anything at first , but Cat was listening intently . Then I heard it . It was faint at first , and then grew stronger . The sound of someone - or maybe someone 's - walking through the forest . " Quick , " I said , helping Cat to her feet . " I 'll help you up a tree . " We scrambled out of the clearing , and I helped Cat into a tree , and then warned her not to move too much lest she fall . Then I hurried back , grabbed the blanket and our bags , stuffed them into the fork of a tree and climbed up into another tree . " Oh Jesus , protect us ! " I prayed silently . Then I saw the embers of the fire dying away and my heart sank . They would know people were around , and search for us . " For God hath not given us the spirit of fear ; but of power , and of love , and of a sound mind . " I said in my mind , repeating it over and over again . " Of power , and of love , and of a sound mind … of love , of love , of love … " The minutes dragged by . I released my grip on the tree and wiped my sweaty hands on my dress , then pressed myself closer to the tree . " Please , God ! Keep us safe ! " Soon I could make out a figure coming through the trees . There was only one person , traveling quickly , with no belongings , and on foot . As he stepped into the clearing , I breathed a sigh of relief . " Cat ? Rebekkah ? " I slipped down from the tree . " Over here . " " What are you doing - where 's Cat ? " I grabbed our belongings down and took them back over to the campfire . " She 's in the third tree from here , " I said . Kevin ran to help her down . Before long , we were seated around the campfire . " Sorry I scared you . " Kevin poked at the fire . " I considered singing ' Rock of Ages , ' but didn 't want any Mexicans who might be in the woods hearing me . " " What did you see ? " Cat asked . Kevin cast a quizzical look in my direction . " Your eyeglasses are disgustingly dirty , " I told him , loudly . Then more quietly , " She guessed . " He sighed . " I didn 't get close . They were still there . There was lots of smoke , and some noise . But I don 't know . I guess we 're alright for now . " " We 're alright forever , " Cat said . " For whether we live , we live unto the Lord ; and whether we die , we die unto the Lord : whether we live therefore , or die , we are the Lord 's . " She quoted . " We 'll realize how much we 're His if we die , and even so we 're His . And the Lord blesses those who live unto Him , because we 're His beloved , and He gives to His beloved sleep . " " God is our refuge and strength , a very present help in trouble . Therefore will not we fear , though the earth be removed , and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea ; " Kevin reminded . " Psalm 46 . " I said . " There is a river , the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God , the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High . God is in the midst of her ; she shall not be moved : God shall help her , and that right early . " " The heathen raged , the kingdoms were moved : he uttered his voice , the earth melted . The LORD of hosts is with us ; the God of Jacob is our refuge . " Cat skipped ahead . " He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth . " I quoted a verse , probably my favorite in the entire psalter - " Be still , and know that I am God : I will be exalted among the heathen , I will be exalted in the earth . " " The LORD of hosts is with us ; the God of Jacob is our refuge . " Kevin finished . We were quiet for a few minutes . " They 're such wonderful promises , " Cat said finally . " And they 're ours . " I grinned . That night after Cat fell asleep , Kevin and I whispered by the fire . " So what now ? " I asked him . " Will we leave for my family ? " " We will wait . " He said firmly . " I do not know what will happen at the Alamo , whether we will win or lose , have won or have lost . I am frightened , Bekkah . Not so much for us , but for my parents . It feels like even though they 're winning , all we can do is sit here and watch . Through the smoke I don 't know . " " I think the falling of the Alamo is far less of a catastrophe than the mountains being carried into the midst of the sea . And even then we have no need to fear , remember ? " " Yes , I remember . " Kevin 's voice was cracking , and there were tears in his eyes . " Though I think I only remember in my head , not in my heart . Pray for me , Rebekkah . I wish I had faith like you and Cat . " I rested my head on his shoulder . " It 's not my faith . It 's God 's . It 's like the psalm says - ' be still and know that I am God . ' All we have to do is be still , Kevin . He takes it from there . " " He maketh wars to cease … could He not make them to cease now ? " I smiled slightly . " Kevin , what is the chief end of man ? " " To glorify God and enjoy Him forever . " He said , at first not seeing the connection , and then he too smiled , though his was a grim one . He looked up at a small patch of sky and stars . " Then to God be the glory , whether the Alamo fall or stand , whether we live or die . " " Our refuge is in Him . " The next two days blurred together into waiting . We tried to keep busy , but Kevin wanted us to keep quiet , just in case . So we would quote or read the Bible , sing very quietly , play simple children 's games around the fire - anything to keep us busy and keep our minds off the Alamo . Every so often , though , I would catch Kevin casting wistful glances in the direction of the Alamo . My thoughts accompanied those glances . Once I caught his gaze as he turned his eyes back to us . His shoulders rose and fell steadily , but I could tell that pain tore at his heart . We both looked back to Cat , and continued with our storytelling . But as that day progressed , I could tell that Kevin wasn 't himself . He didn 't joke or tease or make puns like he normally did . No irrelevant facts spilled from his mouth , and he didn 't feel like singing . As darkness fell , he approached me while I was gathering wood for the fire . " I need to go back , and see what 's going on again . " " No ! " " Rebekkah , something has to have happened by now . We 're all getting restless , and we need to find a better supply of food . The berries we 're finding and the very few rabbits my traps have managed to catch haven 't been enough . It 's been too long since I 've been there . If I don 't go , we won 't ever know when it will be safe to leave . It may not be safe to leave right now , if the Mexicans have left and are spreading out . " I sighed . Kevin 's argument was one that I couldn 't refute . " Then go . " He turned to leave . I put my arm on his . " But Kevin … " I paused . " Be careful . Please . " " The LORD of hosts is with us , the God of Jacob our refuge . Remember that , Bekkah . Remember that my refuge is in Him , and so is yours . " And with that , he was gone . Cat had fallen asleep while we were talking . She always seemed to be tired , which for Kevin and I was a good thing , because it meant we were able to talk . I tried to sleep , but for hours all I did was toss and turn . I got up and paced the clearing . Back and forth , up and down , across and back , praying hard all the while . I could think of Kevin only , nothing else . " Jesus , protect Him , " was all that I found myself praying , over and over again . I thought of Elijah , and how the Bible talks about his fervent prayer . A long time ago , when I could barely talk , Daddy had taught me that verse . " Confess your faults one to another , and pray one for another , that ye may be healed . The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much . Elijah was a man subject to like passions as we are , and he prayed earnestly that it might not rain : and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months . And he prayed again , and the heaven gave rain , and the earth brought forth her fruit . " I whispered to myself . " The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much . " I repeated . " Jesus , let my prayers be effectual and fervent , and avail , though I am not righteous but through you . " I continued to pace . Dawn broke , and I still I walked back and forth , back and forth . My feet ached , but I could think of nothing else to do . Cat woke , but for a time only lay wrapped in the blanket . " Kevin went back again , didn 't he ? " " You 're worried aren 't you ? " I sat down by Cat . " Yes , Cat . " More than you know . Cat giggled . " It 's funny how God gives us scripture just when we need it - things we 've memorized a long time ago and haven 't thought about for a long time , or wondered how they 'd come to play in our lives . " " Do you have a verse for me now ? " " Yes - from Psalm 55 - I don 't know which verse exactly . ' Cast thy burden upon the LORD , and he shall sustain thee : he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved . ' " " Thank you , Cat . " I laid my head on her shoulder . " I 'm glad He takes all sizes of burdens , because mine right now is awfully large . " " He 's got big shoulders . And big arms to hold us so we are sustained and not moved . I love Him all the more for them ! " " Yes ! " We sat quietly for a little while , both smiling and sitting in His presence . Soon we - that is , Cat - heard a faint whistling . " What tune is it ? " I asked . " Rock of Ages . " " Kevin 's back ! " I hugged Cat joyfully . " Thank you , Jesus ! " As soon as I saw Kevin , I jumped up and ran to him . I hugged him tightly and didn 't let him go for a few minutes . " I was so scared , Kevin . " " So was I . " He said . " But I 'm safe . " " Is the Alamo still besieged ? " " No . I 'm still scared to go closer . There 's no sign of anyone , but it 's too quiet for my liking . " " How will we know ? " " In two days , we 'll all go over there . If the Mexicans have won , most likely they 'll have all left by then . I 'm sure the fighting will have moved elsewhere , if it hasn 't already . If they have left , we 'll look for food and then go . It will be a long journey home . " I nodded . " Come over here , Kevin ! " Cat called . He ran to her , and they hugged for a while , whispering together . The next two days dragged by . Kevin and I couldn 't find anything to keep us busy . We wanted so desperately to find out what was going on , or what had happened . We told Cat what was going on the night before we went . I wondered if we should have been telling her all along , because she handled it better than either of us - her trust in God is unwavering ! Kevin woke us before dawn the next morning . We quickly packed up camp , and ate a few bites of bread - some of the last that we had with us . " Did you get any sleep last night ? " I asked Kevin . He shook his head . We trudged on through the forest . Cat was on the other side of Kevin , her hand tightly grasping his elbow . No one spoke . I was too busy praying , and I could tell that Kevin was in no mood to talk . He was probably praying as well . Every now and then , we could hear Cat humming hymns . Cat was silent as soon as the sunshine fell strongly on our faces , and we moved more stealthily , always with an eye around us , or in Cat 's place , an ear . We saw no Mexicans , not even when the Alamo came into view . I started shaking . Kevin slipped his hand into mine , and then we continued onwards . The doors of the Alamo gaped open . I looked up at Kevin . His lips were pressed tightly together , and a look of determination was written on his face . We passed under the gate , and Kevin let go of Cat and I and walked on . First we walked toward the church . Inside was a mess of debris , but there were no bodies . We walked to the long barracks . There were blood stains many places . I shuddered . Kevin walked inside the barrack , then stopped . " Don 't look , Rebekkah . " I halted right behind him . " Did you see them ? " Kevin shook his head . " Then how do you - " I began , but the look in Kevin 's eyes told me to stop . Maybe he just knew . Maybe he saw something of Uncle William 's or Aunt Sara 's . I don 't know . I didn 't know what to say . At a time when words of comfort were needed , suddenly I had none . I laid my head down on his shoulder and put my hand on his arm . I felt warm tears slipping off his cheeks onto my head . I felt like crying , but somehow had no tears to cry . Inwardly , though , I was sobbing . Then it came . I took the Bible from where it still lay open to the ' deaths ' page on Kevin 's lap . There were only two deaths above theirs , and those from a long time ago . Nehemiah , my head told me . Mechanically , I turned there . The joy , the joy , the joy … I searched . There . Nehemiah 8 : 10 : Neither be ye sorry ; for the joy of the LORD is your strength . " It doesn 't matter what 's going on . The joy we have in knowing God is constant . " I stood and joined Cat under the blanket . Kevin didn 't move , just sat there with his thoughts . Soon he began to hum . It wasn 't a tune I recognized , and most of the songs Kevin loved were hymns . " What 's that ? " I asked quietly . His voice shook as he spoke , and the dying embers of the fire reflected in his tears . " It 's Bach . " He paused . " Sleepers , Wake . " His voice trembled as he said those words . " If only they were only asleep . " Kevin 's shoulders shook as he sobbed . I left the warm blanket and slipped into his arms again . Now my tears fell freely . In between sobs , I spoke . " They will awake someday , Kevin ! Not in this world , but in Heaven . Where we will all wake forever ! " I could say nothing more . I fell asleep on Kevin 's lap , and he must have fallen asleep at some point , because all three of us stirred at the same time the next morning . " We have to be on our way . " Kevin said . " What about food ? " I asked . " We didn 't get any at … at …” “… The Alamo , " Kevin finished . " We 'll have to find something . There are rivers that run by the Alamo , but they weren 't very clean . If we go far enough North , we 'll hit the Red River , and can get water there . There 's bound to be fish , too . " " And if there 's not ? " " God will provide . " And so we left the clearing in the woods that had been our home for over a fortnight . We left it somewhat joyfully , because of the events we tied in with that area . I wondered if any of us would ever return to the Alamo . I knew that it would take me a long time to get over the grief of losing my aunt and uncle . I carried the blanket over my shoulder as we walked , and Kevin carried the bag with the rest of our things . Cat walked between us , her arm linked with mine . " How far is it to the river ? " I asked . " I don 't know , " Kevin said . " It might be two days , or it might be two weeks . We can 't travel very quickly . " We trudged on . I was daunted in knowing that just to get out of Texas might take us two weeks ! My family was in Roanoke ! It would be months before we would get back , unless we found someone who would help us . And it would be so dangerous - Indians , the Mexicans , unfriendly settlers , bears … the list went on . We had no weapons , and Kevin was the only one of us strong enough to even possibly fight someone - or some animal - off if we were attacked . Maybe it would have been better if we had all stayed at the Alamo . " You 're thinking hard over there , Bekkah . " " I guess . " Kevin laughed . " I think you 're more than a little worried . " " Alright , more than a little worried . " " What 's worrying you ? " Cat looked up in my direction . " What might be out there - Indians , Mexicans , wild animals … no food . " " You told me your favorite name of God once , Bekkah . Remind us of it again . " Kevin urged . It took me a minute to remember . " Jehovah Jireh . " " He does provide , Bekkah . " " I know , " I said quietly . " It 's just so hard to remember His perfect plan in times like these . " " But even if we don 't remember it , it 's still true ! " Cat persisted . I was quiet outwardly , but inwardly , I was crying out to God - asking for His help to remember . Once more , the days blurred together . I can 't remember what happened on what day , just that every day seemed longer than the one before it , and as we trudged on footsore and weary , our only hopes rested in God and seeing my family . We had to ration the water , because we had very little in the first place , and had no idea how long it would take us to Red River . I do remember one day , though : it was our sixth day walking . We were more tired than usual , and Kevin and I drank no water in the morning , and Cat only had a sip . We lifted up many prayers of provision before we set off on our journey . Kevin would pray , and then Cat would remind us that Jesus is the Living Water . I couldn 't decide if I wanted to be reunited with my family or to be united with the Living Water more at that moment . We trudged on across the plains . My feet hurt , and my mouth was so dry ! I knew that unless we reached the Red River today , reaching it would be impossible . Kevin had tried to hide it , but I knew that Cat had had our last drop of water that morning . " Kevin , " Cat said weakly . " I can 't go on . " " We have to , Cat . The Red River may be just up ahead ! " Kevin slipped his arm around her waist and supported her . " Just a little farther . " I fell behind them a little as they walked - and noticed that Kevin was dragging his feet o " Something moving on the horizon ! " We started walking faster . The moving object came nearer to us . Soon we could make it out - a figure on horseback . Behind him were many more . I gasped . " Mexicans ! " " Indians ? " Cat guessed . " Native Americans , " Kevin corrected . " Wichita , probably . If they are , we 're safe . " We stopped walking . The Indians - Native Americans - came nearer . The one who appeared to be their leader stopped his horse near Kevin . I could now see how weak Kevin actually was - he was supporting Cat in order that he could stand . " Aah . " The leader said . Kevin looked at me , and I shrugged . I looked more closely at the man 's eyes . He had designs all around them , making me think of a raccoon . " Are they ? " I asked . " Yes , they 're Wichita . " The leader spoke to his men , and three of them got down from their horses and helped us on , then they swung up in front of us . It felt odd , but I wrapped my arms around the Indian 's bare waist to stay on . The wind through my hair felt good , and even better was knowing that we were safe - and that we would get water ! That was all I remember thinking , then everything went black . Grass . There was grass above my head . I blinked , and rubbed my eyes . When I opened them again , there was Kevin , grinning down at me . Cat sat beside him . " We 're safe , " Kevin said . " I know . " I felt so weak . One of the Wichita women came in with a bowls of food . She handed me a large one of corn - something , and between the three of us there was a bowl of melons . " Thank you , " I said . She smiled and nodded , then made a motion of drinking and said " Kits ' a . " I nodded , though I didn 't know what ' kits ' a ' was , but we would find out soon enough ! She returned quickly with a flask of water . " Kits ' a " she said again , shaking the flask . " Water , " Kevin realized . " Kits ' a , " he said slowly , then made the motions of a stream . The woman grinned and nodded . We ate and drank . Food never tasted so good , and water never seemed so nourishing . As we finished our meal , Kevin spoke what we all were thinking . " So we 're safe for now , but we have to get across to them where we 're going . We can 't stay here forever . " " We have to get our strength back first . In a few days , we 'll try to tell them . " " Would there be anything they knew in Virginia ? " " We can tell them the ocean , to the East . If we can get there , we can at least find people who speak English and can help us . " " Where does the Red River go ? " " Yes . " The woman reappeared , and motioned for us to come with her . The sunlight was blinding as we stepped outside of the grass house . Many of the Wichita surrounded it , and peered at us curiously . We heard " Khac ! " murmured through the crowd . Kevin looked at me and raised his eyebrows in question . I shook my head . The woman pointed to the clouds , then to the flowers on my dress , and said " khac . " " Of course ! " Kevin smiled . " White . " " We are very white , " I laughed . Later that day found Kevin , Cat , and I playing with the Wichita children . The little girls played with small dolls , chattering away and pointing at us from time to time . They handed me a doll , and then held one out to Cat . " Cat , they want to give you one of their dolls . " I said softly . Cat reached out her hand and I guided it to the doll . " Thank you , " I said , and smiled . They giggled and played with their dolls again . Kevin and a group of younger boys were playing a game that looked like target practice . They could throw their little spears right through the center almost every time , and laughed when Kevin failed . When I looked over once , one little boy was climbing up Kevin 's back and trying to grab his glasses . He laughed , but gently put the boy down and shook his head . The girls had now found a new fascination - Cat 's flaxen hair . Hers was the same as Kevin 's , though Kevin had his covered with a hat . Cat smiled and laughed as the girls stroked her hair . I took in our surroundings as they played . There were flat plains all around . A few stubborn plants were still green after the Texas winter , but mostly the fields - for corn , tobacco , and melons , Kevin explained - were bare . Dome - shaped grass houses rose up all across the plain , and occasionally dogs or Indians would come out from inside . It was a peaceful , comforting scene after the trauma that we 'd been through . Even though the men were warriors , they and all of the Wichita were friendly , and as we were finding out , very hospitable . We played with the chil " But how can they have peace without God ? " I wondered . " I don 't know . " He turned on his side to look at me . " But maybe that 's why we 're here - not only so that they could help us , but so that we can help them . " " Kits ' a , and khac . But I 'm sure there 's someone here who speaks English . At least some of these people have had contact with Caucasians . " " That could have been ages ago ! " " We can hope . " I nodded , and then flipped onto my back , staring up at the grass roof in the darkness . We were quiet for a while , but Kevin didn 't move . " I miss them . " I said . " Who ? " " Aunt Sara and Uncle William . And my family . " Kevin was silent . " I 'm sorry , I shouldn 't have … " I said suddenly . " No , it 's alright . " " I won 't talk about them anymore , then . " " No - don 't say that . I miss them so much , too . Talk to me about them . " " I love them both so much . Your ma , with her laugh and the way she cares for you and Cat , with you both her first priority . I always loved the way that she would tell stories or repeat things someone had said , making it almost as if we were there . " I turned back on my side . " Remember that time so long ago - before you all moved to Texas - that she told us the story about the two children lost out in the woods ? And how scared we both got ? " " You didn 't go near the woods for months ! " " And you still won 't stop teasing me about it ! " " It 's too much fun to let go . " Through the darkness , I glared at him , but then I smiled . I was glad that we could joke again . We hadn 't really done that since Uncle William said they were moving to Texas - that seemed so long ago now ! I hadn 't seen them for three years , and then once reunited we were in the midst of a war , and we were all busy with the move . But soon we would be back , and safe once more - safe with my father , mother , and five siblings . Suddenly , home couldn 't come soon enough . " I loved listening to her sing , " Kevin said . " And then when pa joined in with the bass , it sounded so beautiful . " " Then you sang tenor and ruined it . " Kevin laughed . " I liked when Uncle William and Aunt Sara would tell stories together , doing dialogue or taking turns with the descriptions . Uncle William made such a good villain ! " From the corner of the house we heard Cat say " Stick ' em up and hand me the money ! " - just the way Uncle William used to . I jumped in terror , but Kevin knew it was Cat and laughed again . I don 't know who he was laughing at more though , Cat or me . We reminisced late into the night - perhaps too late in the night , because the next morning we woke groggily to noise in the camp . Kevin stood and stretched , then pushed open the door and stepped outside . I helped Cat up and we followed behind him . At first , we stood there awkwardly , not knowing what to do . But then we had a surprise . One of the Wichita , a man about my father 's age , approached us . " Good morning ! " He said , in English . It was heavily accented , but it was English just the same . " Good morning , " Kevin replied , startled . " They told me we had white men in our camp - white men not Mexican , " He added . " Well , we 're certainly very white . " The man laughed . " Matthew , " He said , reaching out his hand for Kevin to shake . " Kevin . " Then he pointed to me , " Rebekkah , " and to Cat - " Catherine . " " Your sisters ? " " I was separated from a hunting party when I was a boy , and ended up in an American city . I have not spoken English in many years . " " Well , it helps us very much to have someone to speak to in our own language . Though we would very much like to learn yours . " " Come with me , " Matthew said . " The chief wanted to speak with you . " We followed him to a large grass hut , then inside it . Matthew began speaking in Wichita , every now and then motioning to us . Then the chief replied . Matthew turned to us . " He wants to know where you were going when our tribe found you . " " We were going to the Red River , then to Roanoke - the East Coast . " Matthew translated this . After the chief replied , Matthew spoke to us again . " He says stay with us longer , and then we 'll give you food and a raft to take down the Red River . " " Thank you . " The chief conversed with Matthew for a few more minutes , and then we left the house . " You are welcome to stay with us for as long as you like , " Matthew said . " But I know you would probably like to get home . " " Yes . But we do have something we would like to do here . " Kevin admitted . " What is that ? " " We would like to share some good news with the people , but obviously we cannot on our own . " I smiled inwardly - that was just like Kevin , always jumping at a chance to share God and His word with anyone he met . If we 'd had a run - in with the Mexican , he would have done the same . " Good news ? " " The good news that we are sinners separated from a just and holy God , but that through His Son He has made a way for us to be with Him again . " " I know this good news . I heard it when I was in the White Man 's village . I never understood it . " " Would you like to ? " " Yes . I will gather the people , and translate for you . " Kevin looked at me and grinned . " Wait here , " Matthew said . He ran back to the chief 's house . Minutes later , he walked out with the chief , and they called all of the people together . " Pray for me , " Kevin whispered to Cat and me . We both nodded . " His Word does not go out void , " Cat told Kevin . " We are ready , " Matthew said . " Then so am I . " The people had formed a semicircle in front of the chief 's house , and now Kevin and Matthew turned to face them , speaking to them briefly in Wichita . Then he looked at Kevin . " A long time ago , thousands of years , God created the world . " Kevin paused as Matthew translated . Kevin kept his gaze above the heads of the people , but his face was shining with excitement . " The earth was perfect , but not for long . God created a man and a woman and told them not to eat from one tree in the garden . " Kevin stopped at the end of each sentence so Matthew could interpret . In those moments , I tried guessing what Kevin would say next . " Not only does God know everything , but He also is perfect . Anything we do wrong He punishes by death . The Devil tempted the man and the woman , and they did wrong by eating from that tree . " The people gasped as Matthew translated . " This , of course , meant death . But even though God is perfect and cannot be near our disobedience - our sin - He is merciful . He gave a promise that one day the descendants of the woman would crush the Devil . " Sighs of relief escaped from many of the people . " Years went by , and still God did not send the descendant that would crush the Devil . Then He sent His own Son to die . " Matthew looked at Kevin . " His own son ? " There were tears in Kevin 's eyes , but he replied . " Yes . " As Matthew translated this , many of the people looked surprised . Kevin continued . " Men nailed him to a cross , like this , " Kevin stretched his arms out to demonstrate . " He suffered much physical pain , but even more than that God was putting the judgment , the wrath , the punishment that we deserved for disobeying on His Son , Jesus . " A tear rolled down my cheek as Kevin continued . " If God were not merciful , that would have been me , you , Matthew , my friends … not Jesus . But God loves us , and did it so that we can live for Him . " Kevin shuffled his foot in the dirt , thinking . " But even though that has happened the battle is not over . The Devil has been defeated , but not accepted defeat . We fight him every day . He wants to take control of your heart so that you will not love God . But God will help us fight , if we only ask Him , and give Him our lives and let Him rule what we do . We must accept the sacrifice of Jesus and with God 's help do as He has commanded us . " As Kevin stopped , Matthew finished the translation , and then looked at Kevin . " Is that all ? " Kevin looked at me , and I nodded . " The rest is God 's , " I told Kevin . " Don 't worry . " " I know . I hope that He will be pleased to turn many hearts to Himself today . " Matthew looked at Kevin . " When I first saw you , I thought there was something curious about you . I didn 't know what it was , and couldn 't place my finger on it . " He paused . " There 's something in you three that 's different than the people that I met when I was with your people . You are the same color , speak the same language , and many of you even worship at the same place , and the same God . But you don 't worship Him in the way that the rest of them do . " " What do you mean ? " " You may all believe in the same God , but for you He 's very real . That shows in the way you live . You really love Him , don 't you ? " " That 's what makes you different . I saw people in your land that I do not want to be like . Now I see that I do not like them because they did not love God . I want to know your God . " Thank you , God ! I prayed . " Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved , " Kevin told him . " But how can I be ? I have done so much wrong ! " " Did you not listen to what I said ? " " Yes , we have done wrong and failed , but God 's son Jesus redeemed us - saved us - from our sin by being punished in our place . " Matthew fell to his knees , groaning . " Oh , I am so unworthy . " Kevin knelt down next to him . " Take it ; it is the free gift of God for those who believe . " " Then I do , I do take it ! " " Welcome to life in Christ , " Kevin said , grinning . He helped Matthew to his feet . The next week was filled with much rejoicing . Matthew was only the first of many Wichita to be saved from their heathen ways . I watched in awe as God did mighty things - person after person came to Kevin and I longing to be free from their sin , wanting to turn from their false ways of spirit worship . Every night we went to bed praising God for His awesome work . In the mornings Kevin would read from passages in the Bible , be it Romans , Psalms , or any other passage God put on his mind . We wanted to stay and watch the work that God was doing , but late one night Kevin woke me up . " We need to go soon , Bekkah . " " Why ? I love it here . " " I don 't know . I was thinking that whenever we go , we need to leave the Bible here . Matthew can teach them . I would take the front pages out , though , as they 're our family records . And I think that Cat is getting restless . " I nodded . " I guess it has to happen sometime . " " Yes . I 'll talk to Matthew about it tomorrow . " I watched as Matthew and Kevin walked back and forth near the edge of the encampment . They were deep in conversation . I could tell that they were talking about more than just us leaving . I studied them for a few minutes , but then a small dark hand slipped into mine and pulled me away to play by the stream . In between moments of tying sticks together to build little boats for the girls ' dolls , I would glance in Kevin 's direction . One of the girls noticed this and put a hand on my arm , talking to me quickly in her language . I smiled and shook my head . She pulled me closer to the river , where I couldn 't see them any more . We were still playing when Kevin approached a few hours later . " Yes , " I said quietly . " They 'll give us food and a raft . We 'll go down the Red River to Louisiana and find a way to get home from there . " " Does Cat know yet ? " " She was helping Aunt . " Aunt was what we called the woman who brought us food the first few days . Many times , we had tried to understand her name , but even with Matthew 's help , we had not succeeded . Cat started calling her Aunt , and the rest of us did as well . " Let 's go tell her . " I stood and brushed dirt off my dress . As we left I waved to the little girls . A few of them ran after us , clinging to my skirt as we walked . I drank it all in as my bare feet touched the ground , held the little brown hands and loved their dark arms around my waist . I listened to their laughter and joyous chatter . " Oh Kevin ! " I said suddenly . " How can we leave when we 've brought them such joy ? " " By knowing that it was God who brought them joy , and we 've only been instruments in His hands . " Kevin helped a young girl onto his back . " And by remembering that He 'll continue to give them joy . " " I 'm going to miss being here so much . " " Maybe someday we can come back . Bring your whole family out here . " " And we can learn the language , and build a Church here … and … " " It would be so wonderful ! " " When we 're home I 'll talk to Daddy about it . They would love it here . " " Work for the Kingdom is always to be loved , " Kevin said . " My heart sings whenever I read about it , and now I realize why . " We walked on quietly , both of us soaking up Kevin 's thoughts and the scenes around us . Soon we came to Aunt 's hut . Cat was busy inside helping Aunt cook . " Hello Cat , Aunt . " Kevin said as we entered . Aunt smiled warmly and handed us bowls of food . We sat down to eat , all four of us . We ate in silence . I could tell that suddenly Kevin was dreading leaving the Wichita himself . As he gulped down the last few bites of corn , he spoke . " We 're leaving tomorrow , Cat . " " Already ? " Kevin sighed . " Yes . " " Why ? I love it here . " " Yes . But I don 't know what . " The hut grew awkwardly silent . I glanced around at us . Kevin , Cat , and I , our heads drooped in sorrow , and Aunt , oblivious to our departure the next day . I tried to blink tears back , but I couldn 't help it as a few solitary tears rolled down my cheeks . I would miss these people so much . " Revelation , " Kevin said suddenly . ' Tomorrow ' came all too quickly . Kevin and I sat up late into the night , sitting outside the hut , staring at the stars and remembering all of our favorite places in the Wichita camp . I must have fallen asleep out there , because I don 't remember going back into the hut . I woke up there like I had the first morning - looking up , rather surprised , with grass over my head . " Hurry , " Kevin said . " Aunt has already brought food . Matthew and the men are preparing the raft . " I stared at the bowl of food Kevin thrust into my hands . " I don 't want to eat , " I mumbled sleepily . " I know . " I pushed food into my mouth , forcing myself to eat . Beside me , Cat and Kevin were doing the same . After we ate , we checked the hut to make sure we left nothing behind , and then Kevin grabbed the Bible and left the hut , our few belongings in our hands . Cat and I had the dolls that the girls had given us in the bag of food , and the pages from the front of the Bible were there as well . We had our blanket , and two others that the Wichita had given to us . The tribe was gathered at the edge of the Red River . The raft lay on the ground , with all of our things strapped onto it . " I want to read to you one last time , " Kevin said . " From the last book in God 's word . " As Matthew translated , Kevin turned there . " This is a vision that John , one of Jesus ' disciples had , of heaven . " Taking a deep breath , Kevin began to read . " ' I know thy works , and thy labour , and thy patience , and how thou canst not bear them which are evil : and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles , and are not , and hast found them liars : And hast borne , and hast patience , and for my name 's sake hast laboured , and hast not fainted . Nevertheless , I have somewhat against thee , because thou hast left thy first love . Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen , and repent , and do the first works ; or else I will come unto thee quickly , and will remove thy candlestick out of his place , except thou repent . ' Leave not your first Love - Jesus Christ . But remember your Savior always . If you forget , repent and He will forgive . " ' Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer : behold , the devil shall cast some of you into prison , that ye may be tried ; and ye shall have tribulation ten days : be thou faithful unto death , and I will give thee a crown of life . He that hath an ear , let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches ; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death . ' Here it talks about trials that you will have because of your Faith . But do not be afraid . There will be other tribes that persecute you because you no longer worship as they do . But we have a far greater thing than they - we have a crown of life , if we overcome . " Kevin paused as he turned to Revelation four . " ' After this I looked , and , behold , a door was opened in heaven : and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me ; which said , Come up hither , and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter . And immediately I was in the spirit : and , behold , a throne was set in heaven , and one sat on the throne . And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone : and there was a rainbow round about the throne , in sight like unto an emerald . And round about the throne were four and twenty seats : and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting , clothed in white raiment ; and they had on their heads crowns of gold . And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices : and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne , which are the seven Spirits of God . And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal : and in the midst of the throne , and round about the throne , were four beasts full of eyes before and behind . And the first beast was like a lion , and the second beast like a calf , and the third beast had a face as a man , and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle . And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him ; and they were full of eyes within : and they rest not day and night , saying , Holy , holy , holy , LORD God Almighty , which was , and is , a " But until then , we must part . Rebekkah , Cat , and I want to leave you with our Bible , so you can be studying God 's word and learning about Him . Please accept it . " Kevin handed the Bible to Matthew , and then hugged him . Both of them had tears in their eyes . I could not help but letting a few of my own tears fall as well . I hugged Aunt one last time , and then said farewell to many of the young girls . Then we had to go . The men pushed the raft into the water , and then helped us on . " Remember , " Matthew said . " Just go down the Red River . When you reach the end of it , you 'll be in Louisiana . " Kevin nodded . " Goodbye , brother . " " See you , " Matthew said . Then we were off . The night before the men had showed Kevin how to control the raft , and so we were prepared for the river that lay ahead of us . Cat and I waved as we floated down the river . " Let 's sing , " Cat said suddenly . She started singing ' Rock of Ages , ' and the other two of us joined in . " Rock of ages , cleft for me , let me hide myself in Thee , Let the water and the blood , from Thy wounded side which flowed … " We kept singing even after the Wichita disappeared out of sight . Ten hymns later , we stopped singing . " I miss them already , " Cat said . " Whenever you miss them , pray for them , " Kevin suggested , pushing the raft to avoid a rock . " I think they 've changed our lives as much as we 've changed theirs , " I said pensively . " What do you mean ? " Kevin asked . " Knowing them has given us such joy and a deeper knowledge of God , and in blessing them they 've blessed us . Blessed to be a blessing . " " God 's so amazing like that , isn 't He ? " Cat grinned . " Always surprising us . When we thought we were there to get , then we realized we were there to give … and ended up getting . " " They gave us joy … we gave them Eternal Life . " When we were still at my aunt and uncle 's home in Texas , Kevin would play his viola for hours every day . He would play hymns , Bach , things he wrote - almost anything he could get his hands on . Sometimes he would play late into the night , as if playing lullabies for Cat and me . But in our rush to leave home and the Alamo , it had been left behind somewhere . " We 'll find you a new one in Roanoke , " I said . " And mama , " - my mother played the cello - " can play with you . " " Just like old days . " Cat smiled . " Yes . And then we can come back here and teach the Wichita music . " Kevin now smiled , too . " Always dreaming , Bekkah . " " We can dream , and hope , and pray , " I said . " Just as long as those dreams don 't take the place of God . I have to ask myself a lot ' if God came back today , would I be mad at Him for not letting me do this ? ' " " Would you ? " I sighed . " I don 't know . I don 't think so , but I do want to return here … though heaven will be so much greater than here . " " But that 's hard to remember sometimes on earth , " said Cat . " Especially in places where you get a taste of heaven on earth , like with the Wichita . " I agreed . " Let 's let it make us look forward to heaven , not back to other times . In Ecclesiastes , it says ' Say not thou , What is the cause that the former days were better than these ? For thou dost not enquire wisely concerning this . ' " Cat and I were both quiet , watching the river and countryside go by . Then something rumbled , making all three of us jump . " What was that ? " I asked . " Thunder , " Cat replied . Kevin looked up . " Yes , it was thunder . Look at that sky ; it 's going to storm any minute . " " What do we do ? " I tried not to sound worried , but inside I was churning more than a tornado . Putting his paddle aside , Kevin shrugged . " Nothing . We can 't very well just stop here . Ride it out and pray for safety . " Drops of rain fell on my face . I looked up at the ominous black sky . " No lightning , God , please ? " I whispered . Kevin took off his eyeglasses and handed me the paddle . " If any rocks come up , push off of them , we can 't hit them . " " My eyeglasses are all wet , I can 't see out of them , and I can 't see without them . " I gripped the paddle tightly . The rain began to fall harder . I wished for a hood to keep it off my face , but we had no clothes but those that we were wearing . The water churned ahead of us , and my stomach churned with it . Next to me , Cat shivered . My hands felt numb from the cold , sharp rain . Yet still I held the paddle . " Is that a rock ? " Kevin shouted from behind me . " Yes ! " I yelled back , preparing to keep us from hitting it . " How far away ? " " Trust God ! " I wanted to close my eyes , but knew that I had to keep watching . Ten … nine … eight … seven … I put the paddle out like Kevin told me and pushed away from the rock . We barely missed it . The rain poured down more heavily . More thunder clapped overhead . I thought I might have seen lightning out of the corner of my eye , but wasn 't sure . " Hold tight ! " I shouted . " There 's a rough spot coming ! " I let go of the paddle with one hand and held on to the raft . I breathed a silent pray of thanks that there were no rocks in this spot . This continued for a long time . I felt helpless most of the time , not knowing what I was doing and controlling a raft with two people who couldn 't see on it . My hands felt frozen , and ached from holding the paddle . I was soaked to the skin , and shivered so much that I couldn 't stop shaking . Just when I was about to ask Kevin to try to take the paddle back , the rain began to let up . I looked at the sky . The wind blew the dark clouds away , revealing hints of blue sky . " It 's clearing up ! " I said . We all let out sighs of relief . " Well , that wasn 't so bad , " Cat said . All of us laughed , and any tension we had left in us was gone . " Thank you , God , for your protection . " Kevin prayed . " Amen ! " Cat and I said together . The rain stopped . Kevin cleaned off his glasses and put them back on . " I can take the paddle back if you want , Bekkah . " " Going to the Wichita would be going against the current … so we wouldn 't be going on the Red River . " We spent the rest of the day laughing and talking . Cat and I slept at nightfall , but Kevin kept on keeping watch . At daybreak , he slept and I paddled . Soon after Kevin fell asleep Cat woke up . " What 's that noise ? " She asked . " What noise ? " " It sounds like a whistle . " She listened again . " It 's not there anymore . " " Are there steamboats on this river ? " " Kevin would know . " " I don 't really want to be run over by a steamboat , " Cat said . " Nor I . " So we woke Kevin . Neither he nor I could hear anything , but Cat insisted that she heard the whistle , and from time to time said that she heard it again , and getting closer . " If it is a steamboat , we can get a ride on it down to Louisiana . But we would want to get out of the way . " " We can 't really get the raft out of the water by ourselves , " I said . " Hand me the paddle . " I willingly gave it to Kevin , who propelled us to the side of the river . In some way completely unknown to me , he managed to keep us on the side . I turned around and looked behind us , searching for any sign of a steamboat . Then I saw it . " There is one , there is one ! " Kevin stopped steering and turned to look . He raised the paddle and whooped . " Start singing ! " I started singing the first hymn that came to my head . " Praise to the Lord the almighty , the King of Creation ! " Cat and Kevin joined in . " Oh my soul praise Him , for He is thy Help and Salvation … " As the steamboat drew nearer , the people on it peered curiously at us . Someone called the captain , who came out on deck . " Hello ! " Kevin shouted . " Hello , there ! " The Captain replied . " Can you take us on board ? " " Where are you bound ? " " Louisiana for now - Roanoke eventually ! " " You 've got quite a ways to travel ! " A quarter of an hour later found us sitting on the steamer , our wet clothes drying as we sat in extra clothes of those on board . One of the hands sat with us . " Where are you coming from ? " He asked . " The Alamo . " Kevin said quietly . " We heard news of that - also news that not one got away . " " No one who was at the Alamo got away , that we know of . We were a few miles from the Alamo , in the woods . My father sent us out there for safety . " " You 've been out wandering for a long time , then , lad ? " " Yes . I 've lost track of the days , but it has been a while . We almost didn 't make it to the Red River , but for God 's Providence . Some Wichita Indians found us . " " I 'm Kevin , and this is my sister Catherine and my cousin Rebekkah . " " James . " " Pleased to meet you . " James nodded . " You as well . " He stuck a pipe in his mouth and puffed away for a few minutes . " Do you have family near here ? " " Not really - Rebekkah 's parents are in Roanoke . Mine … did not survive the brutalities of the Alamo . " " I 'm sorry to hear that . How do you plan to get to Roanoke ? " " I don 't know . I 'm sure there 's a better way than we 're going , but we headed for the Red River after the Alamo because we needed water . I had no idea how far away it was . " " How long did it take ? " " Almost two weeks . " James nodded . " That sounds about right . It 'll take you longer than that to get to Roanoke , if you goes on foot . You may be able to catch a stagecoach . " " Naw , you 'd have to switch a few times along the way . Though you may be able to get to the District of Columbia and from there to Roanoke . " " How long would that take ? " " Mebbee two weeks . I don 't know for sure , and you niver know with stages . Anything could happen along the way . " " Thank you for your advice . " We were quiet again . " Where are you from ? " Kevin asked . " You don 't sound like you 're from the area . " " Neither do you , for that matter . " " I grew up in Roanoke . " " Ah . Well , I 'm from Ireland originally . Decided I 'd come to the land o ' Good ' n ' plenty . " He laughed and blew into his pipe again . " Not much more plenty here than on the Emerald Isle . " " No , our government 's not as good as people make it out to be , " Kevin admitted . " If only people saw it thatta way , so 's we could change something . " Kevin nodded . " Only by God 's help and grace could it ever change . " The conversation lulled again , and I realized then how tired I was . Just about the same time , Kevin yawned . " We 'll be in Louisiana , soon , an ' then you can get some good sleep , " James said . " How soon is soon ? " I asked sleepily . Now I yawned . " Ach , about three more … " I only heard the beginning of James 's sentence before I slipped into unconscious sleep . When I woke up , the steamer no longer moved beneath me . I could not hear the Red River rushing by . Instead , whatever it was that I was sitting on jolted almost rhythmically . Cat 's head was on my lap , and my head was resting on Kevin 's shoulder . I yawned and opened my eyes . It was dim . Across from me sat strangers , one engrossed in a book , another peering out the window . We caught a Stage ! I thought . I lifted my head and looked out the window at the ground rolling by . We were out in the middle of nowhere . I hoped that the journey would not take too long . My heart was torn between two places , the Wichita and home , and I did not know how long I could last away from both of those . Contentedly , I put my head back on my cousin 's shoulder and settled back down to sleep . All three of us were in and out of sleep that first day on our journey . We were all exhausted in the first place from our journey down the river , and then sleeping on a Stagecoach is not the easiest thing in the world ! Finally , we were all awake . The man reading the book was gone , now replaced by a man who looked rather bored . " Where are we ? " I asked Kevin . " On a Stage , to Roanoke . " " I guessed that much . " I shifted to sit up straight . " Where are we right now ? " " Just outside of Mississippi . " The man said . " How many days will it take to Roanoke ? " " I don 't know exactly , I 'm only going to Chattanooga . A week , maybe . " Cat turned to me excitedly . " Hear that , Bekkah ? Home in a week ! " " You young ' un 's traveling home ? " The man asked . " Yes sir . " Kevin replied . " You 're out a ways on your own . " " Not as far as we could be . " " Where you comin ' from ? " " Red River . " " Got family there ? " It took Kevin a minute to answer . " The Alamo , " He said finally . Sitting back , the man looked us over . " The Alamo ? " " Yes . " " We weren 't at the Alamo , we were nearby . " " Y ' all have quite the story to tell someday , then . " " Yes , sir . " The man nodded , and looked out the window . Kevin rummaged through our sack of things . He pulled out some food . " Where 'd we get that ? " I asked . " James and the people on board the Steamer . They paid for our fare and got us some food for the journey . " " Jehovah Jireh , " I said , smiling . " Told you He would , " Kevin handed Cat and I each chunks of bread , and then an apple . At night , we found people in the towns we stopped in who would take us in for the night , as we had no money to pay for the inn like the stage driver . Every morning we would drag ourselves out of comfortable beds to the hard seats of the stage - and the only reason we had the motivation to do this was because of what lay at the end of us . Finally that last day came . It was especially hard to get out of bed that morning , being so stiff and sore from riding the stagecoach for so long . However , Cat 's waking thought was ' It 's the last day ! ' - which quickly brought Kevin and I into a waking state . The stage driver was waiting for us outside , and we scrambled in , thanking our hosts from the night before ( who had fed us a delicious breakfast ! ) . " Today 's the day , eh ? " The Stage driver asked . " Yes , it is ! " Cat replied joyfully . " Well hurry up and in , sooner we 're off the sooner you 'll all be home . " There was no one else riding with us that day , and so we took great advantage of that , passing the time like we would if we had been walking - singing , praying , laughing . In between hymns we would pray , talk , or quote scripture . A few times , we tried to hum a piece by Bach that we all knew , taking different parts that we remembered . Kevin succeeded to the end , but Cat and I came in and out a few times . " Sounds like a party in there ! " The driver yelled back once . We laughed and kept singing . Even with the amount of fun , we were having , the day still dragged on . Whenever enthusiasm lagged , someone would say " I can 't wait to get there ! " and we would all break out rejoicing once more . As we sang Rock of Ages for " How many miles did it say ? " I wondered eagerly . " I wonder what they 've been thinking , " I said . " If they think we 're all dead , or if they have hope that we got away somehow . " " I don 't know . It 's been over a month since the siege ended . " " I 'm sure at least mama is still holding on to that hope . " " I wouldn 't be surprised if they all are , " Cat said . I sighed . The minutes couldn 't fly by fast enough . " RO - A - NOOOO - KE ! " The driver called . I looked back out the window . Yes , there it was . My beloved Roanoke . As we pulled into the station , Kevin packed up our things . I had my hand on the door , to push it open and jump out as soon as we pulled to a stop . Soon my feet touched the dust of Roanoke , my home . I helped Cat out of the Stagecoach . Kevin shook the driver 's hand and thanked him . " So , Bekkah . I 've forgotten the way to your house . Show us the way home . " " Let 's go ! " So we set off for home . Roanoke was familiar , yet it seemed odd at the same time . I 'd been gone for so long , and it was so different now . But at the same time , maybe it was I who had changed , not the city . There , there was the hill . I looked up . At the top of the hill was our house . Our house , with mama waiting inside , with daddy there to keep me safe … I would have broken into a run had it not been for Cat 's hand gripping my elbow . " Not much farther , " I said . My heart felt as if it would explode right out of my ribcage any moment . But it didn 't , even though my heart swelled more and more as we climbed the hill . " There 's a step , Cat . Now another . That 's all . " Now we were on my porch . No one was outside swinging or turning cartwheels , but I could hear the piano inside . I almost laughed - it was Teresa , playing Bach , almost as if she knew that Kevin was coming . Taking a deep breath , I threw open the door . " Hello ? " The piano stopped . " Teresa ? Mama ? Daddy ? " Teresa came running into the foyer . She stopped short when she saw me . " Bekkah ! " She stood there for a minute , looking at us , grinning , as if we weren 't really there . Then she ran to the stairs . " Mama , daddy , Timmy , Peter , Grace , John ! It 's Bekkah ! " " And Cat and Kevin … " Kevin mumbled behind me . " That was Bach , Prelude in C Major , wasn 't it , Teresa ? " She laug " Thank you , Uncle Richard . " " Children , it 's time for bed . " All of my siblings ran up the stairs . " Welcome home . " Daddy said . I ran to him and hugged him for a long time . My family never did go to the Wichita . We talked about it often , and prayed about it even more often , but the answer was always that God wanted us where we were in Roanoke . So we stayed . They were happy days of learning , growth , and fun . When Kevin turned twenty , he married and left Virginia to go back to the Wichita . We get letters from him and his wife - and now six children - every so often . God is doing mighty things in the lives of the Wichita . At the time of the Alamo , I may have asked why , but now I see that ' what for ' is always a better question to ask God . He always has a purpose in everything . Were it not for the happenings at the Alamo , we never would have met the Wichita , and they would still be walking in darkness . A line in the sand became so much more than it seemed to me at the first place . It caused sorrow , but it also caused much joy . And this a joy that never ends . Bible quotations taken from the KJV . I normally use the ESV , but as this is historical fiction , I wanted to use KJV to fit the time period . Historical note : Barett 's line in the sand is not proven fact . Some say it is just a legend . William Garnett was one of the men who fought at the Alamo . He was from Virginia , but what family he may have had I don 't know . The informal truce mentioned during which some civilians were allowed to leave is rumored . Login to post comments This story had me hooked the entire 30 minutes it took me to read it , from the Alimo , to the Wichita tribe , to the Red River , and finally to Roanoke . The languages part of me got excited with the Wichita . I was thinking , " Linguistics and Alphabets for Bible Translation ! " " There 's something in you three that 's different than the people that I met when I was with your people . You are the same color , speak the same language , and many of you even worship at the same place , and the same God . But you don 't worship Him in the way that the rest of them do . . . You may all believe in the same God , but for you He 's very real . That shows in the way you live . You really love Him , don 't you ? " " That 's what makes you different . I saw people in your land that I do not want to be like . Now I see that I do not like them because they did not love God . I want to know your God . " I love languages , too . . . and research on the Wichita was fun , especially find their words . But I couldn 't find very many . But I am a language geek . I 'm taking 2 languages at the moment and after I graduate I hope to take Hebrew on Potter 's School . When we go to our pastor 's house I flip through all of his lexicons and his Hebrew Bible . My sister and I could spend forever looking at his books ! Haha . . . that line comes from one day at dinner at camp when we were sitting with another girl ( who is blind , Catherine ! ) and Keven was passing around his glasses . . . : P And said he was legally blind without them . Thankfully I can see without my glasses , and really well , too . My eyes just hurt without ' em ( after about 5 hours ! ) That was one of my favorite parts as well . : ) That and the Wichita 's fascination with Bekkah , Kevin , and Cat . And my favorite part to write was just after they went back to the Alamo . . . when Kevin is humming " Sleepers Awake . " ( which is an absolutely gorgeous piece , btw . . . and Kevin is Bach - crazy and it 's rubbed off on me ! ) Good story , Kyleigh ! I like the story of the Alamo , although it 's sad . I love stories of courageous men ( and women too ) . There is a good book called , We Were There at the Battle of the Alamo . I think it has one or two words that shouldn 't be there , but it 's a well written book about a boy who runs away to join his brother at the Alamo . - - - Laura Elizabeth |
I am Thomas , a twelve inch long golden brown city rat , but not just any golden brown city rat , for I can think , speak and even walk just like you can . I was born in the city sewers , near what humans call a nuclear power plant . My parents had both died , not long after I was born , killed by humans while searching for food and I had to learn quickly to survive in the sewers on my own . Somehow , even though I was very young and very small , I had learned very quickly and began to thrive , deep in the sewers . I soon became big and strong in the deep dark shadows , far away from the human 's prying eyes growing stronger and smarter every day . I knew right from the very start , that I was different from the other rats in the sewers . I found that , unlike the other rats , I could reason and solve difficult problems that came up from time to time in the sewers , things like flooding of the nest during rainy days . I had found a hole , high in the sewer walls , on a small ledge . I climbed the wall to it and made my nest in it , using a thin piece of rope that I found to climb down from it . I found that I could hold and manipulate things in my forepaws , like a human can . I also learned to use things to help me , like this thin piece of rope , which I learned to tie a knot in and use it to pull things up to my nest , as well . I found that , unlike the other rats , I could see in color , clear and at great distance , when outside in the light . It took me some time to get use to the light of day , after being in the dark most of my life . When I got used to it , I began to explore outside of the sewers , quite often , during the day . I found that , just outside the grate , was what humans called a park , a place where they went to rest , relax and play . I would sneak out just before dawn , and hide in the thick bushes , just outside the sewer grate . I would then watch the humans walk by all day and see what they were up to . I would sit and listen to them talking all day to each other and slowly learned to understand what it was they were saying . Sometimes the humans would drop things around , what they called , trash cans , or accidentally leave them by the benches they were sitting in . I would sneak up when no one was around and pick them up , carrying them to a bush and try to figure out what they were used for . Most of the time it was just trash , but once in a while I found a treasure and would carry it back to my nest and store it there . Soon my nest was cluttered with all sorts of shiny and useful things , like a shiny pocket watch , a pen knife , a candle and some matches , which I learned painfully to use very carefully . I also found that I could walk and even run on my hind legs like a human , when I wanted to . This often came in handy when I found something too big to carry in my mouth and wanted to carry it to my nest , even with a big vicious cat , on my heels . One day , I had found a small pen light on the ground and picked it up . I looked it over trying to figure out what it was , when suddenly a big black and white pussy cat found me and began to come for me quickly . I suddenly realized I was still holding the pen light , while running for my life , on my hind legs , as fast as I could . I looked down and saw my hind feet moving quickly beneath me and put my head down and gave it all I had . I finally made it to the grate that covered the sewers and dove inside , for shelter , landing on my hind paws . The cat clawed at me and I moved back , pushing the button on the pen light , by accident and turning to on . I then slowly walked away on my hind legs , playing with the light and totally ignoring the cat , as it relentlessly tried to get at me through the iron bars . I took it back to my nest , tied it to my rope , climbed up it into my nest and pulled the pen light up into it . Let 's see an ordinary rat do that . It was later , after the light became dim and then stopped working all together , that I found out about the batteries , but more of that later . Because of these differences , the other rat , though me strange and would not come near me , often chasing me away if I tried to get too near them , or their nests . I soon found myself totally isolated from them and felt all alone . I began to spend more time outside the sewers , then inside , watching the humans and picking up things they dropped . I would look at the humans talking to each other and wished I could talk to them also . I had tried many times , but every time I tried , they would chase me away too , just like the rats and so I found I was isolated from them , as well , caught between two worlds , but never part of either . So I turned to learning what I could from the humans and how they communicated , like through books and newspapers . An old lady , who often came to the park , used to read out loud to herself and I would sit in a tree behind her and follow her hand movements , as she read , to see what the word , she spoke , looked like . My mind seemed to be able to quickly decipher their written language and soon I was reading books and newspapers , myself . That 's how I discovered that I needed only to replace the battery in the pen light to make it work again and soon had light in my nest , once more . My vocabulary grew every day and soon I could read as well as any human could . I also learned a lot about what they thought of us rats and it wasn 't very nice . I saw many ads in the magazines and newspapers for rat poisons , rat traps and my all - time favorite , the glue trap , which is quite a very horrible way to die , if you ask me . Also there are these humane traps which is supposed to trap us alive , but that is only if they check them often and don 't let us starve to death in them first . Then , even if they do check them and take us out , they would sell us to some pet store to become snake food or just , as they call it , put us to sleep humanly , which is quite ironic in itself . Either way you slice it , I 'm still dead and I don 't relish that thought at all . This information has saved my life , more than once and also the lives of the other rats in the sewers . Now that I knew what they looked like and how they worked , I would disarm them and or dispose of them quickly . However , even though I had all this vast amount of knowledge , I still found myself caught in one of their cleverer animal traps , one day , while trying to disarm it . The male human that caught me , then took me to a medical lab and sold me to them for blood money . I was then strapped down and a number was shaved and tattooed into my right hip and they put me in a strong cage . They soon began trying to use me , as a test subject , in some kind of sick , twisted experiment of theirs . Other rats and many types of other animals were there already , some sick or dying from what they had been doing to them and I realized quickly , that I had to find a way out and soon , or wind up just like them or worse , dead . I soon began to notice them , putting things into my food and water and pretended to consume it , instead tossed it out of my cage when they weren 't looking . I only ate and drank what I though was safe and so confused them for a time . Nothing they tried to do to me seemed to be working and then they tried to sneak the stuff in , where I could not see them doing it . However , by time I knew what it smelt like and still managed to avoid it . I watched them daily carrying the dead bodies of other animals to a bin and dispose of them like so much garbage , making me keep ever vigilant to their tricks . They began , however , only giving me food and water with the stuff in it and I soon became hungry and thirsty , trying hard to resist eating or drinking it . I grew very weary and disheartened , laying around in my cage all day , looking at it and wanting it badly , but knew I had to resist . This went on day after day , a battle of wits and will , that I was somehow able to keep up with , so far . However my will was breaking and the humans are a very devious race and they found a way to finally fool me into eating something . I knew they won the battle , when I eat it hungrily , thinking it was safe and soon grew very feverish and my body started to tremble . Not long afterwards the pains in my head and stomach started and I began to heave violently . I can 't begin to describe the pain , but it was like I was being ripped apart from inside my body and mind , on a genetic level . This caused tremendous convulsions of my body that shook my cage violently again and again . I don 't know what they had given me , but I laid in my cage and remained like that for three long agonizing days , wanting to die , but somehow managing to survive through it . After the pain had finally passed , my body relaxed , floating in a fog which slowly began to clear . I quickly began to recover after that , to their amazement and felt even better for it , then I had before . I also seemed to be able to think even more clearly , then I had before . I realized quickly that I had to find a way out and soon before they decided to find out why I was able to survive this usually fatal experiment , by what they called , dissecting me . Which , by the way , I found out later , is a very unpleasant , discussing thing they do in the name of research and is very fatal to the recipient . Ever sense I was first locked up in this cage , I had been watching how they were opening it up . So that night , I managed to pry open my cage with a piece of metal bar that I broke off of it , finding myself even stronger then was before , also . At first I franticly ran around the lab trying to find a way out , but couldn 't and finally just calmed myself down and found a place to hide instead , till I could think of something . I finally remembered that the night janitor usually came in at night and disposed of the dead animals , so I found the bin that they put the dead animals in and slipped inside . I came , with a great fright , face to face with the cat that had chased me that day , in the park , when I found the pen light . I looked at it and felt very sad , even though it had tried to eat me , it didn 't deserve to die like this , either . Being a rat though , I was able to stand the awful smell in the bin and at last the night janitor came in . He unlocked the door and walked in , picking up the bin and took it out of the lab room . I peeked out of the bin , as he started down the hall to a set of stairs . He then carried it down several flights of stairs finally coming to a dark corridor that lead to a very warm room . There was a big black steel door and the night janitor opened it up and I saw a huge fire inside it and felt it 's intense heat and decided I didn 't like it at all . I suddenly realized , with a jolt , he was going to toss the contents of this bin into it … which included me ! I quickly jumped out of the bin and ran for my life , scaring the living daylights out of the janitor and so I managed to run up the stairs and got away . I quickly found a piece of heavy equipment and hid behind it panting hard , trying to catch my breath and calm down . Soon the place was crawling with humans trying to find me , especially when they realized I was a certain test subject that they wanted to examine . I found a spot under the equipment where I could watch them , without them seeing me . The lead lab technician was there , the one who had been working on me all along and ordered me captured dead or alive . " If it 's dead , I can still dissect him to find out what I want to know . " he said and then laughed sinisterly . I swallowed hard and remained out of sight till they gave up for the day and night fell once more . I then crept out cautiously and carefully continued my search for a way out of this mad house . Most of the ways out contained many humans with dogs , called security , both day and night , so I could not get out that way without being seen and possibly eaten by the dogs . I had made my way back up a few floors and was eating some crackers that I found behind a desk , on the floor . When the night janitor came out of a room with some bags and tossed then into an opening in the wall . It had a shiny metal chute sliding downward with a door at the end that had a strange symbol on it and opened outwards . He tossed in some more boxes and bags and I noticed the same strange symbol on them both . I wasn 't able to find out any more about the chute that night , as the lab began to come alive with humans once more , continuing their desperate search for me . I simply found a spot under a cabinet and slept there , until I was awakened , sometime later , by two humans talking near the chute . Apparently the older female was teaching the other female about how to do things around the place . " Now this chute is for throwing away biohazard materials , so don 't use it for anything else , it leads out to a bin outside that is picked up daily at 8 : 00 AM in the morning . " My ears perked up when I heard the word outside , but I wasn 't sure what this biohazard meant . " Oh well , it leads outside , that 's all I need to know . " I thought to myself and made my plans for tonight and then rested some more , as they continued the search for me . That night I stood there under the chute , trying to figure a way up to it , when the night janitor came out of a door carrying and large amount of boxed with that biohazard symbol on it . I hid under a chair peeking out from behind one of its legs , as he dropped them down in front of the chute . He then walked back into the room and I took my chance and began to quickly climb the pile of boxes . There was the smell of blood and other strange pungent odors coming from the boxes and bags , but I was focusing only on the chute and getting out of this horrible place . Suddenly , he came out of the room and saw me on the pile of boxes , he grabbed his broom and swung quickly at me . I managed to dodge it and landed on the very lip of the chute standing on my hind legs . He looked at me and said " Your that rat every ones been a looking for . " and struck at me , before I could jump in , knocking me some distance away . " The boss has put a big price on your head and I 'm going to collect it right now . " He then came at me again swinging his broom once more , hitting some shelves . Equipment and boxes went flying everywhere , as he continued to chase me all around . He chased me all over the place swinging at me wildly and knocking over and breaking more things , becoming frightfully angry with me for some reason . Each time I made my way back to the chute he would manage to cut me off . Realizing he could not catch me alone , he then called on his walky - talky and soon other humans joined in on the chase . They destroyed almost everything in the area trying to catch me and it began to look like they might actually do it , as I was becoming exhausted from the chase . Then a door burst open and the lead technician burst in yelling out " What the # ' @ ! $ % is going on ? ! ! " Everyone froze , except for me , who made a b - line for the chute and they all stood there in the shambles of the place and watched me , as I jumped in . I slid quickly down the chute and then fell several floors , into the most disgusting mess I had ever had the misfortune to fall into and being a rat I know disgusting . Apparently , someone had forgotten to pick up this bin for quite some time and I almost gagged myself , just from the stench of it . Luckily there was a large rusty hole in its side and I pulled myself , retching , out of the slimy mess . Several syringes were stuck in me and I pulled them , painfully , out of me . There was an open area to the outside , but I began to feel too sick to try to make a run for it . I then craw to a crack in the wall nearby and hid myself , inside of it , as they came down to look for me . No one wanted to open the bin and check inside , because it was , of course , a biohazard bin and they could get sick and die from it . A chill hit me and not because of this sudden revelation and then the pains started . The lead technician said " Don 't bother searching , he 's probably dead already , or soon will be , after falling into that mess . " I could still hear them looking around for a quite a while , as I just laid there , vomiting blood and holding my heaving stomach , until they finally left . At night I staggered and crawled weakly out of the crack and somehow found my way back to the safety of the sewers . I found myself a dark hole and crawled into it , laying there for days , as I trembled and shook uncontrollably , in a fevered daze . My fur fell out and I was blind for several days after my fever left me , but they both slowly returned fully . I don 't know what kept me alive all that time , but I managed to survive once again and lived to crawl back out of that hole , starving half to death . I began to eat anything I could get my paws on and luckily , humans , in the city throw a lot of food away . I became a one rat menace , knocking over trashcans and raiding them , eating everything I could find and vanishing without a trace , before the humans could come out to see what was going on . My health soon returned and I finally found my way back to my old nest , once more . I was soon back to my old ways and was stocking up my nest , once more , with all sorts of things the humans would discard or drop . I found a plastic thing that would light up when I pushed a button on it and showed a lighted picture of a blond female human . I pushed another button and another human female popped up on it . There were many human female pictures on it along with a series of numbers under them . Later that day , it began to play obnoxious music and I tried to make it stop . Then when I pressing a certain button and it stopped . I then heard a human female speak " Hello , Jorden , this is Marsha , I was wondering if you could come over and maybe we could get together later . " I said back at the picture of the young red haired human , now displayed on it " I 'm not Jorden , but maybe you would like to talk to me , instead . " She went silent for a moment and said " Obviously , I have the wrong number , I 'm sorry to have trouble you . " I said quickly " Please talk to me , I 'm so lonely and have no one else to talk to . " This was not a lie , as I was lonely and had no one to talk to , as the other rats would not talk to me or even come near me . Again , she went silent and then said " Look you sound like a nice person , but I just can 't talk to someone I don 't know . " I said sadly " I understand and you 're right , you don 't know who I am and if you did you probably wouldn 't want to talk to me anyway . You sound like such a nice human female , so I think you 're too good for this Jorden fella , as he has way too many human female 's pictures and numbers on this thing of his . You need to find someone very special and I 'm not talking about me ether . " and I pushed the other button and the picture went away . " I sat there in the dark silence , feeling for the first time really alone . Suddenly , the thing played that terrible music again and when I pushed the button again , the same red haired picture came up again . Then I heard her say " Listen I will take your advice about Jorden , if you will talk to me for a while . " I perked up and said " Sure , what do you want to know ? " She hesitated a moment and said " Why did you call me a human female , just then , most people would have call me a woman ? " I thought about it a moment and said " Because you are a human female and I 'm not a human , I 'm a rat . " She went silent a moment and said " You shouldn 't be so hard on yourself , you sound like a nice man . " I laughed at the thought , understanding what she was trying to say and said " No , really I 'm a golden brown furry rat from the city 's sewers . " She giggled and said " If that 's so then why can you talk on a phone to me ? " I thought about it for a moment and then said " I really don 't know , I just can , I found this thing and figured out how to use it . " " You mean the cell phone you stole from Jorden . " She said quickly and I replied " No , I mean the ceeell phoonne I found by a bench , while I was watching you humans in the park . " She laughed and said " You really think you 're a rat , don 't you ? " " If you don 't believe me , come by the park tomorrow and see for yourself , smarty . " I said huffily and hung up . I sat there fuming for a while and then slowly fell asleep . I awoke the next day and washed and groomed my fur thoroughly , determined to confront the know - it - all human female , looking my best . I then went up to the bushes and waited for her to arrive . I knew I was taking my life in my own hands , exposing myself like this , but I was tired of being alone . I stood there in the bushed with the cell phone and waited and waited . Noon came and still she didn 't show up and then evening arrived and still she didn 't come . But just when the park lights came on and I was about to give up , I saw her , but she was not alone , there was a couple of policemen with her . They talked to her for a while and she said something to them and they then left . She walked slowly , looking around cautiously and sat on one of the park benches . I slowly crept up to the bench , staying in the shadows , as much as possible and then climbed up onto the bench . I looked at her from the corner and whispered " Hello . " She was startled and jumped up looking around " Who 's there , the cops are not far away and I will scream if you try anything . " I steeped out into the light and said " Relax , I mean you no harm . " She stood perfectly still and slowly looked down and froze , as she saw me . She turned slowly and seemed about to run when I implored her " Please ! Don 't run away . " She stood there with her back to me , but made no attempt to run , so I continued " I know I 'm just a rat and am really discussing to you humans , but please hear me out . I 'm the only one like me , as far as I know and am so lonely . Please , be my friend . " She turned around and slowly sat down on the far corner of the bench staring at me . I then stood up on my hind legs and looked at her not sure what to say next . She started the conversation by clearing her throat and saying " Sooo … . What do I call you anyway ? " I shook my head and said " I really don 't have a name , to tell you the truth . " She thought about it for a moment saying " Well I need to call you something , it 's not polite to say hay rat . What about … Thomas ? " I thought about it for a moment and said " I like it … Thomas I am . " She looked at me curiously and said " Hello Thomas , I 'm Marsha . So how did you learn to talk like this so well ? " I pointed at the bushes and by the sewer and said " By hiding there in the bushes and listening to you humans talk . " She looked at me in wonder and said " You mean you taught yourself to talk ? " I nodded . She then looked around me and said " Did you bring Jorden 's cell phone ? " I said " I sure did and jumped down on the ground and picked it up . She got up and came around to me and I held it up for her to take . She looked at it and began to push the buttons , the look on her face changing to disgust and she said " Why you dirty rat … " I quickly said " What do you mean ? I cleaned myself thoroughly before I came here , today . " She looked at me and held her hand over her mouth and said " Oh , I 'm so sorry , I didn 't mean you . I was talking about Jorden . " I looked at her and said " Well don 't make us any more discussing , by associating us with him . " She laughed and said " Your quite right . " and then she said " You mean you really washed yourself before you came here ? " I smoothed out and spot in my sleek shiny fur and said " Washed and groomed myself thoroughly . " She sat down on the bench by me and said " My , I do feel special and honored by you . So where do you live , Thomas . " I pointed over to the bush by the grate and said " I live in the sewers behind that bush . I 've lived there all alone sense I was a young baby rat . " She stood up and looked over at it saying " So you live all alone … " Suddenly someone approached , a big man in a mask and grabbed her putting his hand over her mouth and starting to drag her away . I got angry and growled running up his back and began to claw and bite at his masked head . He screamed and let her go trying to get me off of him and she ran away . I went wild growling and tearing at his head and face violently . He managed to grab me and throw me some distance away and then he pulled out a gun and shot me . It grazed me in the side , spinning me around and I collapsed on the ground , going unconscious . When I awoke I found myself laying in the middle of some sweet smelling wood shavings . I tried to get up , but the pain in my side was too much and I collapsed on my back . That 's when I noticed that my side was covered in cotton , with some kind of sticky stuff holding it on . I looked around and found myself in some kind of square glass container and it was on a table , in some kind of room . At first I thought I was back at the lab , but the door opened and the young red headed human female named Marsha came in the room and smiled at me , saying " I 'm glad to see you awake , how do you feel my little hero . " I touched my side and found it sensitive and winced a bit saying " I 'm ok , just a scratch . How are you , did he hurt you at all ? " She hugged herself and said " I 'm still a bit shook up by it , but other than that I 'm fine . You messed the punk up pretty good though , before he shot you and they took him away to the local hospital under guard . I told the police that you were my pet rat and I was letting you enjoy the fresh air , so they let me take you with me , with a warning . I noticed the tattoo on your right hip and decided to take you to a friend of mine , instead of veterinarian , that is someone who tends to sick animals and might have contacted the lab you came from . " " My friend is helping me to heal you and will not contact the lab . " she said , opening the top of the cage . I looked up at her and said " They took me from my home in the sewers and tried to hurt me . I would rather die than return there again . " I said angrily . She stepped back and said " Don 't worry I won 't let them get you , Thomas . " I calmed down and said " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to scare you , it just that I almost died twice because of that place . " She smiled , bring her gentile hand down and rubbed me under my chin . I found myself leaning into her gentle touch , for the first time , trusting a human . " You 'll be safe with me and Mr . Perkins . " She said gently . The door suddenly opened and an old gray haired male human , who I had seen in the park many times , came in . He came up to the cage slowly , as not to startle me and said " Well Thomas , how are you feeling today ? " I looked up at him and said " It still hurts a bit , but I seem to know you , weren 't you the one who use to drop some cheese down by the bench every time you came to the park ? " He smiled down at me and said " Yes , I saw you many times peeking from the bushes at me and tried to get you to come to me , but you never did . Then you went missing for several weeks and I thought something bad had happened to you . " I looked at him and rubbed the tattoo on my hip and said " Something bad did happen to me , some humans in a lab tried to kill me and almost succeeded twice , with their sick experiment and syringes and I wasn 't the only one there ether . " I then proceeded to tell them my story of the last few weeks . When I finished Marsha had both of her hands covering her mouth , with a look of horror on her face . The old human male looked disgruntled and said " I often wondered what they were doing in that place and now I think I know . I going to make some calls , I be right back . " and he left the room quickly . The Marsha picked me up gently and hugged me saying " Oh Thomas , I 'm so sorry you went through all that . That was too cruel a thing to have gone through , even for a rat . " I looked up at her and said " That 's why I have been so lonely , the other rats in the sewers don 't like me , because of the way I am and until now I never trusted a human before , so I 've had no one to talk to , till you came along . " She smiled down at me and said " Well I hope I can make things up to you for what 's happened to you . " I snuggled into her and said " You have already Marsha . Here I though all humans were out to get me and though me totally discussing , but you stopped and actually listened to me . " She sat me down on the table and said " To be totally truthful Thomas , at first you did frighten me and before I met you , I did think all rats were discussing . But there was something in the way you spoke to me and you did saved my life last night and now I can 't think of you as just a rat anymore . " I looked at myself and displayed my body to her and said " But that 's what I am , Marsha , I 'm a rat . I may be able to talk and reason like you , but I 'm still a rat . I 've lived in the sewers and am brown and furry with whiskers , short round ears , a pointed muzzle and a long naked tail , a rat . " She smiled and said " I know that , but you 're also my friend now and that makes you special to me . " I thought about it a moment and said " I can live with that . " and stood up and offered my paw . She looked at me and then realizing what I was doing she took my paw and shook it gently . I then winced , as the pain hit me in the side and I sat back down holding my side . She said " Oh Thomas , let me get Mr . Perkins . " I held my paw up and said " No , I 'll be fine , just over exerted myself a bit , never been shot before . " She still looked concerned and left the room to look for Mr . Perkins . That 's when I heard her scream and cry out " Thomas run , their coming for you ! " Suddenly understanding what she was saying I ran quickly for the opened window I saw and jumped through it , still holding my side , as I heard them burst into the room . Luckily I wasn 't very far up and slipped down the fire escape and jumped into a dumpster and hid amongst the garbage and waited . I could hear voices outside , Marsha was yelling at Mr . Perkins " Why did you betray Thomas to them ? " Mr . Perkins said " I have been trying to get that rat for some times to sell him to that lab and know he worth millions to them now and I 'm going to get him . So tell me , where is his home ? " Marsha said " I 'll never tell you . " I looked out of the dumpster , as he grabbed her and jumped out and ran past him . He saw me and came after me and I ran , even though it hurt a lot . I then ran into traffic , under the mass of moving cars , seeing a sewer drain on the other side . There was the screech of tires and a loud thump , followed by people screaming , but I dodge the cars and made my way to the sewers . I stopped and looked back only a moment and saw Mr . Perkins lying face down in a pool of blood in front of a car and then dove into the sewers , hoping Marsha would be ok . I tried to make my way back to my home , but they were there snooping all around my home and I knew I would not be able to go back there right now . I then decided that I needed to find somewhere else to live , at least for a little while , till the heat was off . I then limped off , with a heavy heart down into the sewers and into the deep darkness of them once more . To be continued ! |
Mike 's reaction changed everything for me . It changed the way I felt about sex , the way I felt about myself , and most importantly , Mike himself had unintentionally changed our relationship . I knew that telling him the truth was going to have some effect , but I had no idea it would be smiling laughter . First I thought about waiting a few days and then lying to him , saying I wasn 't on the pill anymore . That might 've worked . Or he might have decided it was better to get into trouble for fighting me than to have sex with me . I was 5 ' 3 " and weighed 93 pounds . Getting hit by any boy could be bad for my health . I just felt like there was nothing there for me anymore . Mike knew my ways and my temperament . The initial shock was gone . I felt like it was time to move on . I was a selfish , evil little bitch , and I knew it . I just didn 't care . When I got back to school that following Monday morning , I heard a conversation that would change things even more . I was on my way to Mike 's locker when I heard three boys having a very interesting conversation . I stopped nearby and pretended to be looking for something in my bag just so I could hear what they were saying . " Who a virgin ? " said a boy who was obviously a virgin . Maybe he wasn 't , but he looked like a virgin to me . " I know you not talkin ' ' bout me . I beats up on pussy like it owe me money ! You wanna talk about virgins ? Talk to dis nigga right here ! He couldn 't get in a pussy if he turned into a condom ! " " Me ? " asked another obvious virgin defiantly . " You couldn 't find pussy on a map ! When you do get you some , call me and tell me how it was . " " I don 't think either one of you ever seen no parts of pussy , " said the third boy . He wasn 't the most attractive , but he did appear more casual about the subject , as if he 'd really had sex before . " When you do get it , you won 't even care about these conversations no more . You won 't care who did it before and who didn 't . All you will care about is what I care about : doin ' it again ! " That seemed to end the conversation as the boys gave each other dap and moved off toward their different destinations . I suddenly " found " what I was looking for in my bag and moved on . I 'd wasted some time listening to them and was hoping I could still catch Mike at his locker before classes began . After hearing that conversation , I decided to just go ahead and break up with Mike . I convinced myself that I 'd actually done him a favor . At least he wasn 't a virgin anymore . I caught Mike as he was taking the last of his books from his locker . As he closed the locker door I looked at him with a very serious face . " Mike , we need to talk . " " Sure , baby ! " he said with an easy confidence I 'd never seen in him before . He 'd never called me " baby " before , either . I looked at how he was dressed , and it was different somehow . The same boy , the same clothes , but neater . " You like my waves ? " He looked down so I could see the top of his head . " Very nice ! " I answered honestly . Mike always came to school with either a caesar ( a quarter inch or less of hair cut evenly around his head ) or a plain old bald head . Waves ? They looked nice , but since when did he start caring about that ? It seemed to me he was undergoing a change . " Yes , Mike . By asking a question . I 'm sorry . " With that I walked away . I can honestly say I felt bad , but only a little . Since I 'd done him such a wonderful favor his life would be forever improved and he 'd always have me to thank for that . That first week was the hardest . Relationships were nothing new , but before the introduction of sex they were much easier to end . He called me every day for more than a week . I stopped answering the phone at home so I wouldn 't accidentally end up talking to him . I certainly never returned any of his calls . Then , in the middle of the following week , he turned the tables on me . He was the one coming to my house ! I remember it was a Wednesday because empty garbage cans lined the street . As I got off the bus I was surprised to hear , " Rhonda ! Rhonda , wait up . It 's me , Mike ! " I rolled my eyes before turning around . The boy had intentionally taken my bus home and sat quietly the whole way until the driver came to the stop near my house . I guess he didn 't want anyone on the bus to hear our conversation . " You didn 't do anything wrong . It 's over . I 'm sorry I don 't have an explanation for you , but it 's still over . Okay ? Please go home . " When he said " go inside and talk about this , " I assumed sex was on his mind , so I figured I might be able to discourage such thoughts . " I 'm not on the pill anymore , Mike . Let 's not go and ruin our futures , okay ? " FUCK ! I thought to myself . This is just wonderful . Here comes a lifetime 's worth of guilt . Why do you have to be so goddamned sweet , Mike ? I hadn 't been expecting that . After all I 'd done to him , and all the changes that had taken place , he was still as sweet as candy . It touched me so deeply I nearly shed a tear and let him into the house . Then I thought of a song my father used to listen to when I was a little girl . Ain 't no such things as halfway crooks . Scared to death and scared to look , they shook . I couldn 't be a " halfway crook . " If I was going to be an evil bitch , I had to go all the way . " That 's not good enough ! " he said angrily . " Who do you think you are ? " I asked , trying not to show how frightened I was . " You can 't tell me what 's good enough any more than I can tell you ! Now let go of my arm ! " He let go , but the anger was still on his face . " Boy ! Sex really does things to a boy 's mind , doesn 't it ? " I said those word without the slightest thought of what it had done and was still doing to my own mind . A part of me wanted Mike to come into the house with me . I wanted him to hold me in his arms again . Then I thought about how I wanted to date other boys . I thought about what I 'd have to do to experience that thrill again , and how I felt when I saw fear in his eyes . For that to happen , I had to turn cold . Mike had to go . I was going to walk away at that moment , but I figured I 'd at least try to appeal to his logical side . " Mike , there are plenty of girls at this school who really need a guy like you . You 'll never find them if you don 't try . It 's not logical to waste your time on me . Move on . " " No , Rhonda . That 's not how it works , " he said to my back as I walked away . " Give me a chance ! Please ? At least tell me what I did wrong ! Rhonda ! Rhondaaaa ! " As soon as I got around the corner I ran toward my house . It wasn 't fear , but desperation for the situation to be over as quickly as possible that pushed me to move more quickly . I would still see him in Trig class and in the halls between classes , but I felt like I could deal with that . In school the next day Mike met me at my locker , which was another turning of the tables for him . I rolled my eyes so hard they could 've gotten stuck up there . " Mike , don 't do this . " I couldn 't bear the sight of disappointment and brokenheartedness on his face . This time he was the one who walked away . I stared at the back of his head for a moment . Being a coldhearted bitch was harder than I thought . I slammed the locker door and walked toward homeroom . I hadn 't even gotten all my books ! I 'd end up having to make another trip to my locker after this class , but I had to think about something different before I began to feel something I didn 't want to deal with . In Trig class later that day , a note landed on my desk while I was listening to the teacher . I couldn 't even tell who had put it there . At first I was going to pretend I didn 't see anything and only say something if the teacher did . He kept teaching , and seemed almost to refuse to see what was going on behind the student in front of me . He actually said something funny . The whole class laughed . While I was pretending to laugh with them , I put the note under my hand . Before making it disappear into the pocket of my jeans , I noticed it was folded in half , not tightly folded in some complex pattern like some geeks do . I unfolded it and saw the words , " I miss you " written in cursive . I was no good for the rest of the class . I silently cried right there in the classroom . I wanted to run to him and cry in his arms . Then the bell rang . I had to think of other things . It was a good thing high school kept me so busy . By the end of the day I simply threw the note in the trash and stopped looking at it . After some time to think about it , I felt all this was emotional . I didn 't need him , and he didn 't need me . A three word note wasn 't going to change that . Besides , what kind of future would I have if I was such a sap ? I laughed it off . The next day , Friday , a friend of mine named Martha asked me about Mike in homeroom . " I heard you two broke up , " she said . I could never figure out how , but everyone knew we weren 't together anymore almost instantly . A tall , nice looking fellow senior came to sit with me at lunch time the same day . " My name 's Roger . Do you mind if I sit here ? " " You seem like a nice person . Is there any chance in the world you 'd let me take you to the Halloween dance ? Are you going ? " " It 's a social gathering . I have no intention whatsoever of attending , " I responded in the most arrogant tone I could muster without being mean . " How about a cup of coffee ? Or dinner or something ? I want a chance to get to know you . " We talked about banal subjects on the day to day happenings in the school . Which teachers were " cool , " what student was throwing a party , the football team 's record , that sort of thing . After a brief lull in the conversation he changed the subject back to dating . " What - you got a man or something ? I thought you and Mike Brown broke up . " I smiled but chose not to respond . " You can tell me . I won 't say nothing . " I smiled even bigger and tried to think of a nice way to get him off the subject . Science is always difficult . I felt it was time for a new study buddy . Since our science teacher would let us sit where we wanted , I decided to sit next to a very smart , very nice young man named Martin Benson . I smiled at him as we took our seats and he smiled back . Halfway through the class I whispered to him while the teacher was talking . " I don 't understand chemistry . You seem to get it . Could you help me ? " I couldn 't believe how easy it was to get him to come over to my house . That afternoon he sat with me on the bus on the way home . As we came past my mother she looked at us and said , " Hmph . You kids and your relationshipis . What happened to Mike ? " Why would she ask me that right in front of Martin ? " Oh , he helped me with my math class . Martin here is going to help me with Chemistry . " That was the way it really started out . He honestly did help me to understand Chemistry . We started by memorizing most of the periodic table of elements . That took up most of our evening . We studied many different parts of chemistry while snacking on Doritos , candy bars and snack cakes until well after 10 that night . When I asked if he 'd come back the following morning , the only problem was that he needed a ride . Apparently his mom 's car wasn 't working . He seemed very open to being picked up at any time , so I asked if I could call him when I finished breakfast . Of course he said yes . My mom and I gave him a ride home . When we got back home my room was a mess . Notebooks , pens , pencils , wrappers and crumbs were everywhere . My bed was a mess too . After cleaning it up , I went to sleep fantasizing about Martin . I made breakfast the next morning . Grits , eggs and sausages , my mother 's favorite . Normally I would soak the grits pot and clean it later , but not this time . Martin was coming over . I wanted every part of the house to be as clean as a whistle . I was so excited ! My mom seemed to notice my attitude . " You know , I don 't mind if you have someone over if you 're going to help keep the house this clean . Maybe we should do this more often ! You can drive if you want to . " " Ain 't we going to pick up that Martin boy after breakfast ? " After I 'd cleaned my room the previous night , she asked if I had any plans the next day . Barely awake , I told her I was studying with Martin in the morning . " Hello ? " answered the voice of an older woman whom I assumed to be his mother . " Hi . My name is Rhonda Stern . Can I speak with Martin Benson ? " She didn 't answer . Instead , she put the phone down and screamed Martin 's name at the top of her lungs . I didn 't hear his response , but I heard her yell , " The phone ! For you ! " It sounded like he was coming quickly down a flight of stairs . As he approached I heard his mother say , " What the hell girl you got callin ' here ? It bed ' not be no damn fluzie . Don 't have no damn fluzies callin ' my house . " " Mom , it 's not even like that . We 're studying science together , that 's all . " His voice came to the phone . " Hi , Rhonda ! How are you ? " he asked , trying to sound cheerful . He sucked his teeth . " My mom is overprotective , but she 'll come around once she gets to know you . She thinks every girl out there just wants to have sex all the time . I tried to tell her you 're not like that , but . . . Let 's just say she 's ' old fashioned . ' What 'd you have for breakfast ? " " Let 's finish this conversation in the car . I 'll be there in 20 . " I hung up the phone without even saying goodbye . " We 're all good , mom ! Let 's go ! " As he came out of his apartment , I greeted him with a smile and a wave . He smiled back and came over to the car , throwing his backpack into the back seat where he noticed my mother . " Oh , hi Ms . Stern . " " Oh HELL no , " I responded . " I wasn 't touching that shit until you were around to explain it to me . I don 't want to end up making things worse by getting all confused . " He raised his eyebrows and kept rolling his eyes toward the backseat , as if throwing me a hint . I got the hint , but my mother didn 't care about foul language after I turned 18 . As long as I wasn 't cursing at teachers or cursing at her , she really didn 't care . I figured I 'd have to explain it to him later , but I didn 't want to do that in front of my mother . " Mom , can we go to the supermarket and get some snacks ? " Mom breathed an annoyed sigh . " Take me to the house . I 'll give you some money and you and Martin can go to the store . Bring back my change and a receipt . " When we got to the house mom got out of the car and handed me a $ 50 bill . I was surprised that she gave me so much . " How much of this can I spend ? " " I thought all you wanted was some snacks ? Can 't I trust you to just get some snacks and come home ? If you spend up all my money , why would I let you drive anywhere anymore ? " At the supermarket , the parking lot had two driving lanes that were divided by double yellow lines like a two way street . As we stood together waiting for cars to go by , I grabbed Martin 's hand . I smiled at him but at that moment he was more interested in making sure we got across the " street " safely . When we saw an opening , his grip tightened slightly as we jogged across . He didn 't let go when we got there , and I liked it that way , so we ended up holding hands as we walked through the supermarket aisles . We got Hot Pockets , cookies , candy bars , pizza rolls and some supermarket brand baclava . I actually got him to put his arms around me while we waited in line at the checkout . He grabbed the bag while I put the change and receipt in my pocket , and we held hands all the way back to the car . I couldn 't believe how easy it was to get affection from a boy I 'd just started talking to the previous day . We got home around 11 : 15 . Martin was ready to get right to work , as expected . I pretended to be a coffee addict , and that I couldn 't possibly look at books until I 'd had a couple of cups . The three of us sat at the kitchen table sipping coffee and yammering . My mom and I tortured the poor boy by asking him personal questions about his childhood . I told her what his mother was like , and he blushed . I enjoyed making him blush . It was so easy ! Finally , around 1pm or so , I felt like he 'd had enough and we needed to begin studying . I had him grab the cups and saucers and I took the entire coffee pot into my room . Apparently coffee was great for bringing him out of his shell . From that point forward it was mostly Chemistry for the rest of the day . There were frequent breaks and the conversations went off on tangents , but for the most part we stayed focused . By 9 pm I was getting tired , and he was much more focused on the subject than I was . We both layed side by side on the floor on our stomachs with our feet casually waving through the air . " I like you a lot too , Rhonda . As far as studying Chemistry , I love it . Chemicals are very powerful things . What 's the symbol for sodium ? " " ' Na . ' When I went to the bathroom earlier , my mom asked if I was sure we weren 't seeing each other . I thought about that . If someone asks you what I am to you , what are you going to say ? " He thought for a moment . " What should I say ? " I laughed . I took the book from his hand and moved closer until the side of my body was against the side of his . " I think we 're beating around the bush . Would you be my girlfriend ? " I smiled and threw my arm around him . When he smiled , I grabbed his chin and planted a big smooch right on his lips . When he raised his arm ( I assumed it was to put it around my shoulders ) I pushed him onto his back and quickly got on top of him . Then I kissed him on the lips again and rested my head on his chest . I could feel him becoming aroused . He tried to shift so I wouldn 't feel it , but I wouldn 't let him . I enjoyed feeling him get stiff underneath me , so I pressed my body against his and made complaining groans when he tried to move . He actually let me have what I wanted and laid quietly while I got my little thrill . I knew I was wrong . If a boy did that to me I would 've slapped him . It felt like I was testing the waters , in a way . If he 'd let me do that , what else would he let me do ? The poor boy had no idea how dangerous it was for me to get aroused in his presence , but he was safe for the time being . There was a Chemistry test in the middle of the following week . I couldn 't have him undergoing any changes until at least that point . I tried to convince him to let me talk to my mother about letting him sleep on our couch for the night . Like a good little boy , he refused . I liked that . I found myself relishing the idea of chasing and catching him and then having my way with him . If I 'd known where his locker was , I would have met him there on Monday morning . I scanned the halls between classes hoping for a glimpse of him . Unfortunately , I wouldn 't see him again until science class , which was after lunch . I had to sit behind him at first . He sat to the far right of the second row and , even though I got to class on time , another boy had taken the seat next to him . I saw him lean over and whisper something to the boy . He looked at me and smiled while Martin was whispering . Then he nodded , gave Martin dap , and switched seats with me . I was smiling from ear to ear . How ironic that we barely said a word to one another for fear of getting into trouble . He did , however , touch my hand every chance he got . He would squeeze it lightly anytime the teacher wasn 't looking , and my heart raced more each time . I was so turned on that by the time the bell rang that I just blurted out , " Are you coming over today ? " without thinking . He and I stood together outside the school and waited for the buses to arrive in an area known as the ' bus lane . ' As soon as I grabbed Martin 's hand , Roger walked by . " Oh , you gotta be kiddin ' me ! " he spat . " Yo , who you think you talkin ' to ? " Martin responded . I 'd never heard him use bad grammar before . I assumed it was a symptom of his ire . " You 're right . You 're absolutely right , Martin . You 've stood up for yourself and me both , and for that I 'm deeply appreciative . Our bus is almost here . Let 's go ! " " Do it then ! " I tried to pull on Martin , but he gently pushed me to the side without taking his angry glare off Roger . " Teach me better ! " I screamed at the top of my lungs , " MARTIN IF YOU DO THIS I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN ! " That worked . He slowly backed away from Roger , who laughed like an asshole and walked away muttering low brow insults as the buses rolled up . " Martin , please calm down , baby . I left something in my locker . I need you to get on the bus and find us a seat . Okay , boo ? Are you going to try to calm down ? " There was nothing I needed from my locker . I knew Roger was on his way to the parking lot because of the direction he was going in when he showed up . That meant he had a car . I saw him in the parking lot hanging around a shiny red car ( which I assumed was his ) with a bunch of his friends . I walked over to him mad as a hatter and I didn 't care who saw . " That was fucked up , Roger . But you fucked with the wrong one this time . Watch your back . " His friends began to laugh as I walked away . " What ? Please . I don 't give a fuck what you think . " I pretended not to hear and kept walking . " You ain 't gon ' do shit to me . I 'll get my little cousin to beat your little skinny ass . " Martin 's bag had been in the seat to prevent anyone else from trying to sit with him . He very kindly grabbed his bag with a smile and put it in his lap , assuming I wanted to sit next to him . I grabbed the bag , put it back on the seat , and sat in his lap . He looked around , and I assumed he was embarrassed . I wasn 't the only girl on the bus sitting in a boy 's lap , but most of those boys were thugs and b - boys . Since it was ( technically ) against the rules , the good boys didn 't do such things . I didn 't care . Sitting next to him just wasn 't close enough after that ordeal . Martin wouldn 't stay late that night because it was a school night . We hardly studied anyway . I made him lie down on my bed and I laid on his chest . I didn 't care whether he was uncomfortable with my groin against his . We talked until around 6 when mom let me borrow the keys to give him a ride home . Before he got out of the car I made sure to find out where his locker was . The next day , on the way to Martin 's locker , I ran into Roger again in an enclosed stairwell . He was literally the very last person I wanted to see that early in the morning . Fortunately , my trepidation seemed unwarranted . " I 'm sorry about the way I acted yesterday , " he said rather sheepishly . " And I 'm gonna apologize to Martin , too . He may be a nerd , but that wasn 't right . " " You think you could give me a chance now ? I know damn well that nerd ain 't doin ' shit for you . Let me buy you something nice and take you somewhere special . " I was appalled . Roger 's buffoonery seemed to know no bounds . . . until he spoke again . " I bet his dick ain 't big as mine . " I wanted to walk away , but Roger pressed his body against mine , and my back against a nearby wall . I was terribly frightened . It felt like I was about to be raped ! " Can you feel it ? Can you feel how big and hard it is for you ? Here , feel it . " " No ! I don 't want to feel it ! " He ignored me and reached for my wrist . I tried to pull my arm away , but he pressed my arm against the wall until he could grab it . I tried to close my hand but he was so much bigger and stronger than me that he easily forced all four of my fingers open with his powerful thumb . He pulled until my palm was on his manhood . It felt disgusting , like a giant worm shifting in his pants . Boys clearly don 't understand girls . Why would I want to feel the sex organ of a boy who was as horrible as Roger ? " Hey ! Get off her ! " yelled Mike as he ran up the stairs . He wasn 't as big as Roger either , but he was coming up the stairs with a teacher when he saw what was happening . I couldn 't stop crying . Not only because of the trauma itself , but also because I felt like I knew what I 'd put Mike through . Actually , what I did to him was much worse . I moved toward Mike hoping for some sympathy , but he backed away . The teacher put his arm around me and Mike just rubbed my back . " Come on , " said the teacher . " Let 's go to the principal 's office . " I knew the dangers of telling him my name . " I 'm fine , " I muttered . As soon as I said the words the bell rang . " I 'm late for class , " I said as I wiped my tears away and started up the stairs . I got to the floor where Martin 's locker was before I realized what I 'd done . I was on my way to his locker , but the bell had rung . He was in his homeroom and I didn 't know where that was . Cursing myself , I went back into the stairwell and down to my own homeroom . The period before classes known as " homeroom " was only about 8 minutes long . Just before that eight minutes ended I heard over the loudspeaker , " Rhonda Stern to Principal Davis ' office , please . Rhonda Stern to the principal 's office . " I rolled my eyes with a special disdain for Mike , who most likely told that damn teacher my name . I so seldom saw the principal that I had forgotten she was a woman . I figured that would make things worse . Being a woman she 'd probably have a " hard on " for boys who assaulted girls . I couldn 't admit to anything if I wanted the situation to be over with as quickly as possible . As I entered the room I suddenly felt absolutely terrified . The principal was seated at her desk and standing around were Mike , Roger , the male teacher , and two other girls . I wondered why the girls were there , but I figured it couldn 't be good . I tried not to be nervous , but it was useless . I was horrified . There was a table nearby where the other students had apparently placed their books . It wasn 't until I put mine there as well that I remembered I hadn 't been to my locker . I still had the books I had taken home the previous night . Where is my mind ? I wondered . I wanted to lie , but I never realized how much composure is required to tell a lie properly . I ended up stammering and couldn 't get the words out . Eventually I decided to tell the truth . " He was coming up the stairs as I entered the stairwell . " I couldn 't stop the tears from falling or my voice from breaking up . " At first he apologized for something he said to my boyfriend . Then he - " " What did he say to your boyfriend ? " asked the principal . I took a deep breath . " Well , yesterday we were waiting for the bus together . Roger came by on his way to the parking lot and said something like , ' You didn 't give me a chance , but you 'll date this nerd ? What does he have that I don 't have ? ' I said I could name two things : a brain and a future . " The girls let out a spiteful little giggle . " Good one , " I heard one of them whisper . " He didn 't like my response , but we weren 't bothering him . My boyfriend stepped up to defend me . I tried to stop him because I didn 't want it to elevate any further . Roger said let him go so he can teach him a lesson . " " Right after apologizing he asked if I could give him a chance because he knew that ' nerd ' wasn 't doing anything for me . He told me that he bet his . . . manhood . . . was bigger than my boyfriend 's . " I couldn 't help myself . I began to cry all over again . " He . . . told me it was big and hard for me . He pushed me up against the wall . . . and he . . . and he . . . " I tried as hard as I could , but I could not bring myself to say the words . When I opened my mouth nothing came out but sobs . Perhaps I was more traumatized than even I had realized . I honestly tried again , but the words just wouldn 't come out . Mike finally took pity on me and hugged me as I sobbed like a little girl . I actually felt a bit jealous of the principal and her ability to maintain composure . " Can you continue ? " she asked . With my head against Mike 's chest and tears continuing to fall , I looked at her and shook my head . " As Mr . Brown and I were coming up the stairs we heard , and I quote : ' I bet his dick ain 't big as mine . ' End quote . She eventually responded with , ' No ! I don 't want to feel it ! ' We ascended the stairs and saw Roger had this young lady sandwiched between himself and the wall . His hand was holding hers to his groin . " " Just a moment , Mr . Feinberg . I hate to interrupt , but I need absolute clarity . He was holding her hand to his groin ? Please explain exactly what you saw . " " His right hand was holding her left hand flatly against his groin . It was clear that he was forcing her to feel him . It was also abundantly clear that she had no desire to do so , and was deeply traumatized by the event . As we came up the stairs , Roger went through the double doors and apparently went to class . I wanted to bring her here immediately , but she refused to give her name . She said she was fine , which she clearly was not , and that she just wanted to go to class . She wiped away more tears as she walked up the stairs , at which point I asked Mr . Brown for her name . " Mike was clearly very angry . I could hear the anger in his chest as he spoke . " It was exactly the way Mr . Feinberg said . I couldn 't have said it better myself . The only thing I 'd like to add is this . " With those words he gently grabbed my left wrist and showed it to the principal . There was a bruise there ! I hadn 't even noticed ! I also noticed my hand was trembling and I couldn 't make it stop . " Roger Robertson , have you anything to say in your defense ? " " What ? WHAT ? " The principal was very angry , but she managed to maintain that stony composure of hers . " Did she press you against a wall and say , ' Feel my vagina . It 's tighter than your girlfriend 's ? ' What words could this young lady possibly say that would justify sexual assault ? That 's three strikes , Roger . You 're expelled . " " Why ? So you can graduate to rape on a college campus ? I don 't think so . Because of the nature of your crime , and yes I said ' CRIME , ' the police have to be notified . Now get off school property . If I see you here again , I 'll have you arrested . " " Expect the police to visit you at your home . GOOD DAY , SIR . " Mike and the two girls were clapping as he left . Mike clapped his hands behind my back . She had used the term " sexual assault . " I hadn 't thought of it that way . I just thought Roger was an asshole . If that was sexual assault , then what had I done to Mike ? What was I planning to do to Martin ? For the first time I admitted to myself that the proper term was " rape . " " Mr . Feinberg and Mr . Brown , I 'll need you to leave the room . Ladies , please remain . " Mike helped me into a nearby chair , then he and Mr . Feinberg brought in chairs for the other two girls before they left . The three of us sat side by side in front of the principal 's desk . She looked solemnly at us and took a deep breath before she started . " Far be it from me to blame the victim , but it seems you all need to learn a very valuable lesson . As far as I 'm concerned each of you made the same mistake : You allowed a boy to do something to you with impunity . Do you know what that means ? " The other girls shook their heads , but I knew what it meant . " It basically means you let him get away with it . If you 'd reported it right away , it might never have escalated to this point . If teachers witnessed the three events I 've heard about today , how many do you think he did that no one witnessed ? How many girls needlessly suffered through what you did ? When you report a crime , you at least have a chance to prevent it from happening to someone else , or worse yet , to you again . " Did you know that 75 % of rapes go unreported ? Victims want so desperately to go back to their lives and forget about what happened that they just don 't think . They don 't think about how they 'd feel if it happened to their best friend , their sister , their cousin , their mother . By that logic , it 's probable that there are nine other girls whom we 'll never know about simply because they refused to come forward . " Mr . Robertson has apparently had a very busy morning . The three of you are excused from school for the day . Take this time to rest and get your mind off school . When you return these incidents will be in the past , and you will find them easier to deal with . If you ever need someone to talk to , someone who will just listen , I hope you 'll come to me . If not , there are counselors , church groups , family and friends . . . There 's always someone you can talk to rather than keeping it bottled up inside . I 'll have the secretary give you a note for your parents . The three of you are dismissed . " " Ma ' am ? " I chimed in as the other two got up and left . " I can 't go home today . You see , I have a Chemistry test tomorrow , and my boyfriend is my study buddy . We studied for this all weekend and I really want to ace that test and I - " She picked up the phone and dialed four digits . " Mr . Cocolla ? Hi . I need you to excuse a Rhonda Stern from her test tomorrow , as well as from class today . Tomorrow ? I can 't say . I 'll need the same for a . . . " She looked at me . " Martin Benson . I can 't say in his case , either . I really appreciate it . Thank you . " She hung up the phone . " I 'll excuse him too if his grades won 't suffer too terribly . If his grades are bad and he 's already behind , you 'll just have to study chemistry alone . " She took another deep breath . Then she silently pressed a button on her phone after picking it up . " Martin Benson to Principal Davis ' office , please . Martin Benson to the Principal 's office . " She hung it up lightly . " I 'll have him meet you in the main office . " After that incident I went from seeing the principal as an absentee hardass to one of the most influential women in my life . Her lack of emotion and her perpetually stoic composure made me want to be exactly like her . I felt like she would have given Roger a run for his money if he 'd tried that with her . She wouldn 't waste time on guilty feelings , either . I walked to the main office wondering what her sex life was like . Going home would have been so boring that I would have preferred to go to school . Going home to be with Martin was a horse of another color . When I got to the main office one of the other two girls was using the phone , so I had to wait . I didn 't mind . It gave me time to fantasize about Martin . Unfortunately , something in my mind had changed . I felt guilty . I wanted to enjoy a nice fantasy of holding him down and chewing on his skin while he cried and begged me to stop , but it felt wrong . I convinced myself that I was going to stop . I told myself that I wasn 't going to do to Martin what I did to Mike . He came into the main office and I smiled at him as he took a seat next to me . " Rhonda , " he said with deep sympathy in his voice . I wanted to sit in his lap , but there was no way they 'd allow that in the main office . So I sat in the seat next to him and held his hand . " Hey , you two ! " my mother said with a smile as she pulled up in the car and rolled the window down . I hadn 't told her anything over the phone except that Martin had been excused too . I never did that sort of thing so she assumed it was an emergency and came over right away . I didn 't respond to her greeting . I just ushered Martin into the back seat and got into the front . " Rhonda , what 's wrong ? Why are your eyes so red ? Have you been crying ? " " Mom , Martin , I wanted to tell both of you at the same time . There 's something I need you to know , and I need assurance that you won 't overreact , and that you won 't get angry . Please don 't do that to me right now . " " Okay , " Martin responded first . My mother was more tentative . " I can 't say I won 't get angry until I hear what you have to say . " I began to cry . " Tell me , Rhonda ! What 's wrong ? " I can 't until you promise not to get angry , " I said , trying not to sound angry myself . My mother 's voice became more sympathetic as she realized how serious the situation had to be . " All right , Rhonda . I promise . " I took another deep breath . My mother handed me a tissue . As I used it I searched for the right words . I didn 't want to say his name and I didn 't want to lie , but I had to say more than just ' A boy was mean to me . ' I needed her to understand why I was excused from school without trying to take me to a hospital or the police precinct . " I . . . I almost got raped in the hall today . " " WHAT ? ! ? Oh , HELL no ! What the FUCK is going on at this GOD DAMN SCHOOL ? Who was it ? Huh ? Rhonda , you tell me who it was RIGHT NOW ! " " MOM PLEASE ! " I screamed at the top of my lungs , sobbing . " You promised ! Don 't do this to me right now . I can 't take it ! " Martin put his hand on my shoulder from the back seat . I leaned my head on his hand , kissed his knuckle and touched his fingers in desperation for affection . " The boy got expelled , " I told her , still rubbing Martin 's hand . " The police have been notified , and they 'll find him at his house and arrest him . " I hadn 't thought of that . " I 'm not sure , mom . I got the distinct impression that they didn 't really have a procedure for this sort of thing since it doesn 't happen very often . Can we get something to eat , mom ? I 'm suddenly hungry as a hostage . Can we go to McDonald 's ? " I knew my mother would give me almost anything I wanted within reason . " Of course , baby . I 'm sorry for getting so upset . " She reached her arm around me and kissed me on the cheek . When she was about to let go , I put both my arms around her and hugged her tightly trying not to sob in her ear . She kissed me again , and after a long moment I finally let go . I looked into the back seat and Martin was wiping away a tear . I suddenly wanted to get into the back seat with him . " You want a Big Mac ? " my mother offered as I looked at him . Mom smiled . " Of course , baby . " She looked in the rear view . " I think your friend needs you back there . " I pushed the seat back and climbed over it without getting out of the car . My mom usually hated when I did that , but she dealt with it at the time . I sat in Martin 's lap and finally I could stop crying . Martin asked me no questions . He just rubbed my shoulder and kissed my forehead . I was surprised when we got home that it was only 9 : 30 . After all that happened that morning , it felt like it should be later . The three of us sat in the living room watching an old movie my mother loved called " New Jack City . " My mother was seated in her old comfy chair , Martin was seated on the sofa , and I sat in his lap . During a commercial my mother got up and went to the bathroom . As soon as she disappeared through the door I straddled Martin 's lap and tongued him down . I grabbed the groin of his pants so I could feel his meat as it grew in my hand . I stopped just long enough to let him catch his breath while I kissed up and down his neck and rubbed his nipples through his shirt . As I heard the toilet flush I bit him on the neck . " Ow ! " he exclaimed I kissed the bitten spot . Then as the water was running for her to wash her hands , I stuck my tongue in his ear . The way he moaned sent waves of pleasure up my spine . Then the water stopped running . I sat back in his lap just as my mother was coming back into the room . The look of absolute shock on his face as she took her seat was priceless . I intentionally sat my butt right on his erection . It was uncomfortable , but when he tried to move I made little groaning sounds as a complaint . Spoiling me much more than I deserved , he sat there and dealt with it just to keep me happy . I could tell it was uncomfortable because of the way he sat . It slowly disappeared into his underwear as the movie continued , and he could sit normally again . Of course , I was turned on by then . I wanted to take him into my bedroom and do bad things to him . After all that had happened , one turn on and I was back to square one . The only thing that saved him was the fact that I had a Chemistry test the following day . Against my principal 's advice , I came to school the next day . We both aced the chemistry test . Martin and only two others got perfect scores . My score wasn 't quite perfect , but it was still an A + . Martin came over to my house every day that week , and every night we gave him a ride home . Friday came swiftly , but I was still glad the week was over and was more than ready for the weekend . Martin usually went home around 6 or 7 in the evening . That particular Friday evening I wouldn 't hear of it . Six o ' clock rolled around and Martin started getting ready to go home , but I didn 't grab anything . " Put your stuff down , Martin . You 're spending the night . " " That 's really nice , Rhonda , but you know my mother would kill me . I can 't spend the night with a girl . She 'd have a conniption . " " Then don 't tell her you 're with a girl . Tell her you 're at a friend 's house . You 're 18 . You can tell her whatever you want , but you 're not leaving tonight . Do you understand ? " Why was it so easy to push Martin around and make him do what I wanted ? He called his mother and told her he was in a hotel room with the other members of the chess club , and they wanted to stay up all night playing chess . Apparently his mom wasn 't buying it . I could hear her yelling into the phone even though I couldn 't make out what she was saying . " Tell her you never do this sort of thing . Remind her that you 're a good boy , you 're over 18 , and you 'd never do anything to ruin your future . " He repeated what I said , almost word for word , into the phone . He looked at me shaking his head as I could hear her screaming voice emanating from the telephone . " Now ask her if she 's throwing you out . " When there was a break in the cacophony , he swallowed and breathed deeply . " Are you throwing me out ? " The screaming stopped . I had a feeling that would work . Martin didn 't understand what I understood . He looked at me and whispered , " She 's crying ? I think she 's crying . " He went back to talking to her . " Tomorrow night , mom . I promise . I 'll be ready for church Sunday morning , and everything will be the same as it was . Thanks , mom . " He hung up the phone with a quizzical look on his face . " How did you know that would work ? " " Overprotective mothers are often holding on to an ideal . She still sees you as that eight year old kid playing in the yard . She doesn 't even want you to take the risk of ruining your life because she did things to ruin her own life when she was young . The only thing that forces her back into reality is the thought of losing you altogether . It 's a common psychological hangup , actually . " " Damn , " he said , surprised . " Remind me never to piss you off . " Then he sighed . " She 's going to be mad as hell when I finally do come home . " " No she won 't . She 'll hug you like you just got rescued from a kidnapper . She 'll spoil you for the rest of the evening . And from now on she 'll give you at least some of the respect you deserve . Having an overbearing mother can be like having a leash around your neck . If she loves you , it should be possible to make her see when she 's choking you . " " I 've studied a great many subjects , Martin . " I grabbed his arm and pulled him back toward my bedroom . " Tonight I 'm going to study you . " Despite the nonchalant outward appearance I was trying to maintain , there was a fight to the death going on in my mind . I had promised myself that I wouldn 't do to Martin what I did to Mike . I remembered the way Roger made me feel . I remembered the rejection of Mike backing away from me . I even remembered the first time I realized that what I had done was a crime called " rape , " and that it was a heinous crime . I pitted all that against my desire to take Martin and do with him as I pleased , and the desire was still winning . What was worse , I was developing a modus operandi . The first step was to get him into a mindset where fighting back or resisting would be much more difficult . As I pulled him into my bedroom I sat him down on the couch while I paced back and forth . I don 't think I 'd ever done that in front of him before . I could tell from the look on his face that he was wondering what was going on . The way I saw it , that was a good thing . " You know , you can 't go home tonight if you want to maintain your mother 's respect . If you go home tonight she 'll hardly let you out of her sight . She won 't even let you come over here anymore after school . Do you understand ? " I walked over to my bedroom door and locked it . " You have a perfect criminal record . That is to say , you have no criminal record . My mother has learned to trust you . Have you ever had sex , Martin ? " He laughed . " That 's cute , Rhonda . Maybe you haven 't noticed , but I 'm a lot bigger than you . Besides , I 'm going to UCLA in the fall . It 's fun making out with you and I love to touch you but I just don 't think it should go any further than that right now . In fact , I don 't like this conversation . Maybe you 'll be thinking more clearly in the morning . " He got up and walked toward the door . " In order to go to UCLA , your mother has to respect you , " I said as he grabbed the doorknob . " Why should she let you travel over a thousand miles when she can keep you at a local university and under her thumb ? " His hand was still on the knob , but he didn 't turn it . " It 's time to become a man , Martin , and your readiness is of no importance to me . " That was his way of saying he wasn 't ready . I 'd already told him I didn 't care . " Try to leave and I 'll scream ' rape . ' My mother will come in here with a knife . She 'll stab you before asking any questions . You saw how she acted in the car . Then she 'll call the police and tell them she was defending me from you , and you 'll go to jail with a stab wound . There goes that perfect record . " " Is it my intelligence or my resolve that you doubt ? Is it both ? You know how the system works . They claim it 's ' innocent until proven guilty , ' but you and I both know it doesn 't really work that way . Once you 're in the system they need a good reason to let you out . Now let go of the doorknob and take off your clothes . " He was shocked . Though he let go of the door , he wasn 't ready to get naked yet . " You can 't be serious ! Rhonda , what the hell are you doing ? I thought we were falling in love . I thought we had something special . " That was when the reality of my threats came crashing down around his ears . He got on his knees and groveled at my feet . " No , please ! I 'm sorry ! Don 't call your mother ! Please ! " I grabbed a handful of the flesh of his shoulder with my fingernails . I squeezed tighter and tighter until I got the reaction I wanted : a clear expression of pain . Just before he was about to scream I covered his mouth and answered my mother , " Sorry mom ! I thought Roger was going to fall out the window . He 's fine . " He grabbed my wrist and squeezed , hoping to loosen my grip on his shoulder , but I didn 't let up until I saw tears welling up in his eyes . He breathed a sigh of relief as I let go , followed by heavy breathing . " Take your clothes off , Martin . " " Rhonda , please . . . Just think of - " I backhanded him and clutched his shoulder with my fingernails again . This time a half second of a scream came out before I covered his mouth . I held it for a few seconds , then pulled his body close to mine . Since he was on his knees , his face slammed into my bosom . I lowered my head and whispered into his ear , " You 're only making things worse . You know I 'm not strong enough to force you out of your clothes . So I 'll torture you , leaving bruises and scratches all over your body , then I 'll get scissors and cut the clothing off of you . I 'll still have my way with you and send you home in the torn rags that remain . Is it really worth the pain and humiliation ? " " Then you will suffer . " I covered his mouth as I scratched deeply into the flesh on the side of his chest and held it for a few seconds . Then I went to the drawer for a pair of scissors , which I opened and closed three times for effect . Upon hearing the sound he gave in , sobbing like a tiny child . " Are you sure ? You 've still got those terribly uncomfortable clothes on . I want you to be comfortable . This will be unpleasant enough as it is . " " I thought you were sweet , Rhonda . I thought you were a good girl , " he sobbed as he took his shirt off . I lavished the sight of his chest emerging from his shirt , but the real treat was watching him expose that thick , black piece of flesh between his legs . Of course , being so terribly embarrassed , he quickly covered it with both hands . " Where do I put my clothes ? " " Lie down on the bed . " I replaced the scissors and pulled out a roll of duct tape . He didn 't see it until he was flat on his back on my bed . Then he tried to get back up , apparently terrified of what I might do with it . I pushed him back onto the bed and put my knee on his chest . " Don 't do anything rash , Martin . When this is over you 'll be glad you didn 't force me to leave any . . . permanent marks . " " I 'll eat your pussy . Please don 't tape me down . I swear to God I 'll lick it like you 've never had it licked before . Just please don 't tape me to the bed . I 'll do anything ! " I wondered how he knew how to lick pussy . I 'll have to remember to ask him about that later . Since I really wasn 't in the mood to get my pussy licked , I decided to think more long term . " Anything ? Are you sure ? " " Don 't move . " As he lay there I let him watch me put the duct tape back into the drawer . He continued to watch as I removed every article of clothing from my body one by one . " Hands above your head , " I commanded . As he complied I climbed on top of his body . Finally , I thought . He 's mine . I kissed his lips , then I kissed the side of his face , and slowly kissed my way down to his nipple where I first kissed , then sucked , then chewed while he groaned from the pain . Then I paid equal attention to the other nipple , relishing the soft sounds of discomfort . I kissed my way down to his manhood and watched him squirm as his pole grew in my mouth . I slowly climbed on top of him , unable to help but smile at his trembling . I used one hand to hold his erection in place and the other to hold my pussy open . " You forgot the condom ! Do you have a condom ? I didn 't bring one . " I laughed and slowly began to push down . It felt so good that I was already getting weak when I got him all the way inside me . Then I bent downward and whispered in his ear , " No condoms needed . You 're going to make a good daddy . " He began to fight and push me . " It 's not worth going to prison ! " I reminded him . When he heard me say that he stopped moving right where he was with one hand on my shoulder and the other on my arm and began to sob openly . I grabbed his wrists and slowly pushed them onto the bed near his head . With great care I kissed his neck , moving up and down on him as I enjoyed orgasm after orgasm . He cried the whole time . It was nearly midnight when I was done with him . I made him shower with me . That poor boy cried silently as I washed his body and made him wash mine . He started to dry himself off , but I snatched the towel from his hands and dried him myself . Then I handed him a towel , put my hands on the sink and stuck my butt out with my feet far apart . He got the hint and dried me off . Even after I 'd been so cruel he dried me off gently and thoroughly from head to toe . Martin gasped , Apparently already awake . " Your mother ! " he whispered . It wasn 't loud at all , but the walls in our house were very thin . I still worried my mother might hear it , so I quickly gave an angry response . " SHUT THE FUCK UP ! " I mouthed through clenched teeth . Then I relaxed my voice to sound like I just woke up . " No , mom . I 'm up . " " Don 't you wanna call and see if his mother will bring him over ? Or I could lend you the keys and you could pick him up . I 'll probably have breakfast done by the time he gets here . " " Oh , all right . Yo ' grits better be mighty good to keep me waitin ' this long , Rhonda . Wake me up when it 's done . " I slowly turned my head toward Martin . It took him a moment to realize what was on my mind , but when he did he looked scared . " No , wait . Rhonda , think about this ! " he said as I got on top of him . By the time I dropped him off at home late Saturday night I 'd done it again . Three times I assaulted him in a 24 hour period , and I still expected him to keep his promise of continuing to be my boyfriend . Read 12243 times | This is a very good . I have often wonder is only me that would think a woman would commit rape . It very rarely if ever heard from , unless you count the news report of women teacher doing their students . I do wonder about those reports when I was sixteen I would of jump through fire so to speak to get a chance at a teacher or two . If things continue for your lead I see her becoming a professional Dominatrix . |
I put up with a lot from these big guys . . . stinky piles of manure in the stalls and paddock to clean up ( and try not to step in ) each day . . . Cubby kicking and threatening to bite me whenever the mood strikes him . . . Tucker waking me up every morning before the crack of dawn , just to make sure there is no possibility that I 'll inexplicably forget to feed him . . . klutzy Murphy , forever getting his leg cut or stuck in something , or stepping on something , getting into the grain , or breaking out in hives . They 've stepped on my feet , sneezed in my face , and smushed me into the side of the stall . But I ( usually ) don 't complain . I 'm pretty easy going . . but I do make sure they know who is boss around here . I 've started a couple of blog posts this week , but it seems like each time I sit down and start writing , I 'm pulled away by something . By the time I have a few more quiet minutes , I 'm no longer in the mood to finish the post I 'd previously started . . . So I don 't . M had an awful day yesterday . . . He 's been not - so - stable for awhile , and it all just boiled over yesterday . Needless to say we didn 't get any school done , but I did get a lot done outside . In the process I discovered even more vole holes than I thought I had . . . This caused my ( sub - clinical ? ; ) ) OCD to kick in and I virtually destroyed my own garden , trying to flood , and then dig them out . I went out this morning and found a couple of holes I 'd missed in yesterday 's vole frenzy , but overall I 'm satisfied with my work . While I worked in the little garden I got all the fruit trees well watered , and did a bit more clean up in the area that used to be Lili the chicken 's home . All that 's left is a little pruning on the smoke tree , and that area is done . M 's been better today . . . still edgy , but connected . He even helped me this morning with some heavy work out at the barn . He wasn 't happy about it , but he did it . . . I also worked a bit with Tucker and Cubby this morning . It 's funny . . . my little " wild man " Tucker doesn 't seem quite so wild now that we have Cubby . Tucker never kicks or tries to bite . . . for Cubby those are everyday things ! I don 't think Cubby ( the darker donkey ) , would ever really hurt someone . If he was truly aggressive he 's had plenty of opportunities to hurt someone . . . I think he 's just in the habit of trying to throw his weight around . We won 't keep Cubby permanently . . . I think Tucker enjoys having a friend , but R and I have both said we 'll be ok with Cubby moving on . Having to be so careful around him makes the barn work a lot more complicated . . . Outside my window . . . it 's dark . . . it 's early enough that the sky in the east hadn 't even started to lighten . These days I 'm doing the morning barn work in the dark . . . I love the walk back from the barn . . . the sky is clear it is filled with bright pinpoints of stars glittering and twinkling above me . I try to pick out constellations , but I only know a couple . . . it 's something I wish I knew more about . I am thankful for . . . life , and my family . . . together and safe . Well , mostly together . . . B ( dd # 2 ) is still working in KC , MO but I just talked to her yesterday so it doesn 't feel like she 's that far away . From the learning rooms . . . we need to hit the books hard this week to make up for missing so much last week . I 'm looking forward to sitting in our sunny little classroom and slipping back into our school routine . I think that routine is comforting for me as well as the kids . From the kitchen . . . I made M 's favorite pizza the other night , chicken alfredo with whole grain crust . I just use my regular bread dough recipe for the crust , make up some packaged alfredo sauce to put on top , then add whatever toppings sound good . This time I just put on chicken , zucchini , mushroom and cheese . Mmmm . . . I am going . . . to have to make a bunch of phone calls this morning to make sure I didn 't seriously mess up M 's clozaril prescription . I 'm required , by law , to have M 's CBC checked every 14 days . Clozaril is his main schizophrenia med , and without regular CBC 's they can 't fill his prescription ( we have it filled every two weeks ) . Well . . . with all that went on last week I forgot to draw his blood . The CBC was due Thursday and I didn 't draw the blood and send it in until Saturday . It 's only two days , hopefully it won 't be a problem . . . but worse case scenario I 'd have to bring his dose down to a starting dose and re - titrate it back up again . . . a process that takes months and would leave him VERY unstable for a looooong time . I 'm feeling a little unsettled until I get this straightened out . I am reading . . . not much of anything . I 'm in one of those moods where it 's hard to get into anything . I keep starting books , then losing interest and setting them aside again . I did recently finish a book by James Patterson called The Murder of King Tut . R 's really into Ancient Egypt these days ( thankfully it 's replaced her WWII fascination ) and she wanted me to read the book and tell her what it said . It ended up being a really good book ( and an easy read which was just what I needed ! ) . Around the house . . . things are pretty caught up , and I have no new house projects in the works . I 'm sure I won 't be able to let that go for long though . . . I 'll think of something that " has " to be done . : ) A few plans for the rest of the week . . . I don 't have much on the calendar . I have a dog training class later today , and some fun Halloween stuff this weekend , but that 's it . It 's feels VERY nice to have such an empty calendar . . . While the kids ate lunch , I read and researched the election issues and completed my mail - in ballot . After lunch I explained the ballot to M and he voted for the first time . . . What a milestone ! The last chore each day is to feed the dogs . Emma gets to eat without " doing " anything for her food ( because she 's so old . . . there are certain benefits that come with age , you know . . . ) . But Quin and Cody have to do something for their dinner . . . usually a down / stay with their food bowls right in from of them . . . food they can 't eat until I say it 's ok . Quin makes me laugh each time he has to do this . . . every muscle tense , his body is on the floor but he 's in no way relaxed . . . he 's so tight he 's almost quivering . His eyes follow my every move , my every breath . . . his whole body ready to spring for the food the instant he hears the release word . It was less than 48 hours ago that I first found out that my friend Lynn , and her younger daughter Mariah , had died in a car accident . Lynn 's older daughter survived but is badly injured . Thankfully , they are expecting her to recover . Lynn and I met about 8 years ago , and bonded over parenting our adopted children , and R and Lynn 's daughter were friends . Only a month ago they were here visiting . . . and the girls rode Murphy , played Clue , and just wandered and played out in the big pasture . Like M and R , Lynn 's daughter have FASD . Lynn adopted as a single mom , and worked harder than anyone I know . . . caring for her girls , advocating for them , working full time to financially care for them , and working in the FASD community to support other parents . She was a powerful force , and amazing woman , and I 'm so glad I knew her . I 've been rereading Lynn 's blog and found this post . . . It , and many others like it that she wrote , that show so clearly her warmth , her love , her dedication to her children , and to the " cause " of preventing FASD and supporting families raising children with FASD . What a terrible loss her passing is . . . We went to court yesterday and were granted guardianship for M . So we 're back to where we were before he turned 18 and became , legally at least , an " adult " . With guardianship , I will be able to continue to make his medical , legal and financial decisions . He will , of course , be a part of the decision making process . . . but there is just no way he is capable of making adult decisions on his own . . . at least not right now . After a quick quiet time at home , we headed out again to a Halloween party at M 's girlfriends house . It was a good party , and R met some new friends and M renewed some friendships with kids he hasn 't seen for awhile . It was a late night ( for us ) , and we are tired today and spending the day just hanging around the house . I 'm cleaning ( my therapy ) and planning house projects ( more therapy ) , R rode Murphy ( her therapy ) and M has laid around like a TV watching slug most of the day . If I had any energy I 'd make him get up and do something else . . . but I don 't . . . and a day of TV watching isn 't the worst thing in the world . I haven 't written much about S lately , or the drama that was her life this past summer . The agency ( that has legal custody of her ) threatening to move her from her foster home to place her in a group home . . . a place she didn 't want to be . They 'd moved her the previous summer ( 2009 ) from her long term foster home to this new one , and it took her months so settle in and adjust . . . and now they wanted to move her again . Once I 'd " dropped in " they kindly allowed me to stay for the meeting . S spent the first few minutes I was there hugging me and crying . She whispered in my ear " I don 't want to go " and I said " Then you have to tell them . " . . . and she said " I can 't " . So I invited the caseworker to take a walk outside with S and I , and I talked to S about it 's being ok to be honest with the worker . That it 's important for her to tell people how she feels , and what she thinks is best for her . . . not what the worker thinks is best , or what I think is best , or the foster mom thinks . . . but what S thinks is best . And she was able to tell the worker she didn 't want to move . . . The GAL wasn 't happy though . . and during the course of the meeting she was taking no prisoners . . . she was out for blood . She was angry ( as any caring person would be ) that in S 's whole 16 years of life , NO one has consistently put S first . NO one has fallen in love with her the way a parent falls in love with their child ; willing do anything in their power to make sure that child is well loved , and fed , and cared for . . . and happy . The GAL was right . . and then she turned angrily to me , and said I was no different . . . I hadn 't put S 's needs first either . It wasn 't a fair statement . I knew it wasn 't . . . this childless lawyer knows nothing about loving a child enough to know that adopting them isn 't necessarily what is best for them , or for the children you 've already adopted . I tried to explain . . . especially about M and the schizophrenia , and how it wouldn 't be right for any of the kids to adopt S . In a way she was right . In this family , S 's needs come after M and R 's needs . . . but I can 't change the reality of S 's life . I can love her , but can 't adopt her . . . It wouldn 't make her life " all better " , it would only add layers of drama and upset ( sz is like that ) that she doesn 't need and neither do M and R . So I did what I could . . . I advocated for her at the meeting , then came home made her a bedroom here . A concrete symbol of her " place " in our family . I got a call Monday afternoon from S 's foster mom . S had , out of the blue , done something so bizarre , so disconnected , so . . . . . . . Words escape me , I can 't even think of a word that fits . . . so , whatever , that her life is forever changed . The scary part ( well one of the scary parts , there are many ) is that S doesn 't even " get it " . . . She is so disconnected from herself physically and emotionally that her reaction to the situation was nothing even close to a typical reaction ( even for a cognitively delayed teenager ) . If she doesn 't " get " the seriousness of what happened . . . there is no working with her to prevent it from happening again . . . or to discourage her from talking to M and R about it . I love the woman we met with though , and it sounds like sisterlocks will be a wonderful option for R . . . No more messy , thick cremes and oils , no more chemicals of any kind . . . just working with her natural hair for a " look " that is beautiful and easy to work with . I was sold on the idea before we even got there , and it will be hard waiting for the consultant we saw to have time to do the locks ( probably not until after the first of the year ) . Unfortunately , M 's marginally working GI system doesn 't care much for Casa Bonita food and he was sick all Thursday night , and even into Friday . There must just be a very high fat content in their food . . . he 's two for two in terms of getting sick after eating there . I carefully limited his food this time , thinking he 'd be ok . . . but no luck . I 'm sad that we won 't be able to go back there , at least for a while . . . the kids enjoy it so much . Speaking of McDonald 's cheeseburgers . . . Have you seen the article about the woman who has had a McD 's Happy Meal cheeseburger and fries sitting out on her counter for six months with absolutely no sign of mold or decay ? ? It 's fascinating in a gross sort of way . . . you can read about it here . ( Hmm . . . maybe it 's not that surprising that M can 't digest them ! ) Anyway . . . M seemed recovered by Saturday , and we spent the morning bowling with the kid 's Special Olympic team , then took Cody to town to work on his training ( his " final " for his current training class is Tuesday . . . so we were cramming ) . He 's just finishing up his intermediate class and if he passes , will move into the advanced class . The advanced class is only six weeks and at the end of it , he 'll be tested for the " CGC " ( canine good citizen ) certification . I don 't plan on doing anything with the CGC if he 's able to get it , at least right now . . . but it 's the certification he would need to go into hospitals and nursing homes to visit patients and residents . That 's in the future though . . . right now he needs to pass the intermediate class . Long distance stay . . . I put him on a sit / stay then walk away . . . sometimes scattering dog treats behind me as I walk . He 's supposed to wait for me to call him , then come without stopping to eat the treats . Amazingly he 's pretty good at this one . . . Saturday evening we went to church for the St Joseph Coffee House get - together they host each month for people with disabilities . There was a great band , and we enjoyed dinner followed by dancing . The only downside was S wasn 't there ( she usually goes with us and always has such a good time ) . Both R and I missed her and kept watching the door , hoping she 'd come . But she didn 't . . . The wind has been blowing hard this evening , and tomorrow 's weather is supposed to be cold and wet . I 'm thinking it 's possible we 'll get our first snow . I hope so , I 'm ready for it . . . I love the hushed quiet of a soft snow . Six years ago , before we moved to the country , I didn 't like ladders . I stayed off them , not even being comfortable a couple of rungs up on the step ladder , washing the windows of our one story home . I also professed to being afraid of heights . . . looking down from up high makes me slightly dizzy and not entirely sure which way is up and whether I 'm leaning over ( getting ready to fall ? ! ) or securely balanced . For one thing , the hay loft in the barn is about 10 feet up . There are no railings around that open drop . . . because that would be stupid . . . can you just see Rick , our hay guy , lifting 60 lb bales of hay up OVER the railing to stack them in the loft ? ? No . . . that would never work ( not that I haven 't thought about it ! ) I have to use this " ladder " though , because short of flying up into the hay loft , there is no other way to get there . So , I plant my feet carefully . . . stay alert for any signs that my " ladder " is folding in two , and keep going . I 've even gotten to the point that I can climb up into the hay loft and toss hay bales down off the edge . I have to get close to the edge to do this , so it 's not my favorite thing to do . . . but when it 's winter , the animals are hungry , and the only hay is 10 ' above the ground in the hay loft . . . well , you do what you have to do ( and try not to look down ) . We 've always used the loft ( rather than letting it sit empty like the previous owners did ) so R and I have gotten pretty comfortable moving things up and down the loft ladder . On Sunday it was nothing to move the parts to S 's bed up into the loft . . . they were heavy , but not too bad . We left the mattress for the bed downstairs until the bed was put together . Well . . . the bed was put together yesterday . . . all it needed was the mattress . I really wanted to get the bed done , but I kept looking at the mattress , and looking at that ladder , and wondering how in the world we could get the mattress into the loft . I worried about it , and tried to make plans of how to move it ( ropes ? large burly neighbors or people hired off the street ? build a scaffolding ? ) until finally , during M 's language arts lesson ( I can see the ladder from the classroom , and had plenty of time to think while M worked ) , I decided the time for planning was done , the time was NOW . Do or die the mattress was going up the ladder . I called to R to help me and we moved the mattress up the 1 1 / 2 flights of steps between the living room and the loft ladder . But that was the end of the easy part . . . I had to think of a way to move the mattress on edge ( to fit through the opening at the top of the ladder ) , vertically , up the ladder . R and I rested the mattress , on one end , at the base of the ladder while I pondered the situation . I looked up . Hmm . . . standing on end the mattress reached more than halfway up the ladder . That looked promising , and I began to have some hope . . . even though I still didn 't have a plan . I called M away from his language arts to help , and he came . . . very reluctantly . He dislikes language arts , but he really dislikes it when I start climbing around in high places . He has a phobia ( yes , real and diagnosed ! ) about heights , and is always afraid I 'm going to fall and kill myself . I set chairs up at the base of the ladder and told the kids to stand on them and lift the mattress higher , while still holding the edge against the ladder . I stood on the bottom rungs of the ladder , trying to lift and guide the mattress higher , while not letting it flop over one way or the other . It was a little like trying to push a giant string through a hole . Mattresses don 't push well . But after a few minutes the mattress was perched precariously , on end , on the same chairs the kids were standing on and the top of the mattress almost reached the top of the ladder ! It was too floppy to go any further just working from the floor , and it was in danger of flopping over into the fireplace at any second ( and M was complaining , loudly , about having to stand on a chair . . . even that height is too high for him ! ) . So I decided to climb past and over the mattress , up the ladder , get into the loft and pull the mattress up behind me . M , being very astute , noticed things were looking a bit precarious as I tried to hold onto the mattress and keep it from falling back down and taking me with it . He started yelling , " you 're going to drop it Mom , you 're going to fall ! " and bailed . . . jumping off the chair and darting out of the way in anticipation of the mattress and I making a quick exit from the loft . I was pretty sure I wasn 't going to fall , but it you are going to fall from loft this was probably a best case scenario . . . falling with a mattress . It 's been a chilly week so far . . . today is supposed to be a little warmer , but yesterday felt a little like winter and we had our first , light , frost Monday night . I knew it was coming so went out Monday and picked what I could from the gardens . A couple cucumbers , a lone tomato , some lettuce and bunches of cilantro and mint were all that was left . I also brought in my geraniums and begonias , so they can winter in the sunroom . . . The begonias look terrible . . . the deer have just eaten them down almost to nothing . They look so bad I almost just left them outside to freeze , but I decided I 'd probably regret that decision when I had to buy new ones in the spring . . . so I brought them in . A little TLC and they should be blooming again by Christmas . Outside my window . . . Fall seems to have arrived . . . the temperature has dropped about 40 degrees from what it was just a few days ago , and it 's been raining off and on for the past couple of days . Outside it 's cold , and wet but the clouds seem to be breaking up . . . Hurray for the sun ! I am thankful for . . . the way little prayers are sometimes answered . I 'm creating a room for S in the loft ( she 's not moving in full - time , but given all that 's been going on lately I thought it was important to give her a concrete message that she has a place , literally as well as figuratively , in our home and family ) , and needed a bed for her . S will be here this weekend , and she was SO excited last time she was here when I told her I was making a room for her , that I really wanted to have something put together for her before she visited again . I had an idea of the kind of bed I wanted in the room ( a day bed , good quality . . none of the cheap squeaky metal ones . . and whatever I got had to be light enough to move up the ladder and into the loft ) , but hadn 't been able to find anything even close to what I was looking for that was in my price range and within 50 miles of me . I was thinking about it off and on Saturday , and sent up a couple of quick " I - need - a - bed " prayers . Before going to bed Saturday night I checked Craigslist again ( for the hundredth time ! ) and there was a new listing . . . for a bed even more " right " for the space than what I 'd envisioned . . . and it was listed for exactly the amount I 'd thought I 'd be able to spend . I called on the bed and found the sellers were only 20 minutes away . : ) M and I picked the bed up yesterday morning , and R and I moved it up into the loft . It 's just what we needed . . . and I 'm so thankful for the answer to that little , unimportant , prayer . From the learning rooms . . . we weren 't very productive last week . Between M being sick for two days , and having a field trip and a trip to the stable on another day , we didn 't get much school done . We did enjoy the tour of the county courthouse though . . . we 'll be back at the same courthouse soon for M 's guardianship hearing , so the timing of the field trip couldn 't have been better . M is well again now , and R never got his bug , so we should get a LOT more school done this week . From the kitchen . . . Joe surprised me last night by planning dinner and offering to help cook . He grilled some buffalo burgers , and roasted chili peppers to go with . I made some fries and salad and dinner was done ! I am creating . . . I can 't tell , it 's a secret . . . but I 'm happy that I 've got them finished . On Saturday I sewed until my eyes were blurry and I started making stupid mistakes . . . then I stopped and finished up yesterday . I 'm quite happy about how what I was making turned out . . . Now I 'll just tuck them away for Christmas . : ) I am going . . . to pull out an older , very large quilt I have stored away and see about remaking it for S 's bed . It 's a king - sized quilt , and the colors and design ( an Irish chain ) are beautiful ( and would look great on her bed ) but the edges had gotten so worn , even worn through , that the batting was coming out and it could no longer be used . I 'm going to look at it and see if it might be possible to cut away the worn through parts and re - make it as a smaller ( twin or full sized ) quilt for S to use . I am reading . . . a bunch of different things . I 'm still reading Eat , Breathe , Love and it 's sparking some wonderful phil0sophical discussions with my dear friend M , in Jakarta , who is also reading it . Then the other day I pulled The Awakening Land off my bookshelf and started reading it ( again ) . I think of it as a " companion " book . . . for years it 's been one of my favorite books and each time I pick it up it 's like sitting down with an old friend . I 'm also reading Listen to Your Life , a daily reading kind of book that I started a couple of weeks ago . Around the house . . . R and I will spend the week arranging and decorating S 's room . I have the idea of creating a photo display , showing M , R and S over the years . ( More concrete affirmation of her being an important part of our family . . . ) At first I 'd planned to frame and hang the photos I picked , but there were so many that I really liked , that I 've decided to use wire and clothespins to hang the photos . . . That way they can be rearranged as she likes , or taken down for a better look . The display will also include the word friendship , possibly stenciled on the wall ( I don 't have that part figured out yet . . . ) . . . I think we 're going to have fun with it . A few plans for the rest of the week . . . an ortho appointment for R , a trip to the stable and . . . at the end of the week . . . R 's 14th birthday ! ( She 's not excited or anything . . . she 's only been counting down the days since February ! ) . . . and we loaded all the extra pumpkins into a wheelbarrow , set it out in the driveway , and put a free pumpkin sign on it . . . ( We 'd already given away a few pumpkins when I took this picture . ) Our pumpkins were small this year , but pretty , and it 's been very fun to share them with so many people . The kids want to make our neighborhood pumpkin patch a yearly thing . : ) The kids and I took K ( dd # 3 ) out for lunch today for her birthday . After lunch , just for fun , we walked across the parking lot to a thrift store that recently opened . We weren 't really shopping . . . at least I wasn 't . . . it just seemed like someplace we could extend the conversation we 'd started at the restaurant ( Mt Fuji . . . Mmmmm ! ) while M and R were occupied looking for treasures amidst the strange odds and ends one can find at a thrift store . . . . it 's a little lap harp . It reminded me of a little metal zither I had when I was a kid , so I asked to see it . When they brought it out from the glass display case I was surprised to see that it 's a real instrument . . . not just a toy . . . and it was priced very low . I 'm hoping R likes it . . . I 've working a bit on teaching her the basics of the piano , but reading music is HARD for someone with her learning disabilities and although she loves making music , she doesn 't have a good ear when it comes to the piano . Her pitch is good when she sings , but she can easily play a whole piece on the piano , entirely on the wrong notes ( one or two notes off from where she should be ) , and never realize it . . . . but the old cottonwood tree out behind the stable still has only a few yellow leaves . Our temperatures have been nowhere near freezing yet , but they said it got down to 37 at the stable Monday night . It won 't be long before those green leaves turn golden and drop away . . . I 'm so ready for cooler weather . . . From the learning rooms . . . R had to have an academic assessment done as part of the COVA enrollment process . The results were interesting , and I 've been tweaking her school work to focus on those areas that the testing showed she is having problems with . The interesting part of the assessment results was seeing how her scores , even in just one general area , were all over the place . From the kitchen . . . the gardens are still producing , so I 'm still canning . I bought a little bookcase at a garage sale to hold all the home canned food , and it 's getting pretty full . We have a ton of pumpkins in our little pumpkin patch , so many that yesterday we invited all the neighborhood children to come over and pick pumpkins out of our little pumpkin patch . It was so fun to watch the kids picking their pumpkins . . . I still have a few left , I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do with them . . . maybe cook and freeze a little bit more . I am creating . . . I just finished up re - doing the chalkboard wall in my kitchen . When I originally painted the wall with chalkboard paint I just painted over the texture that was there , not thinking about how the texture would hold the chalk dust . I 've been meaning , for months , to smooth out the wall and paint it again . Finally , last week , I got it done . I smoothed the wall with joint compound , sanded a little , then primed it with magnetic paint , and put a topcoat of chalkboard paint on it . It looks pretty much the same as it did before I started , but the wall is much smoother now and it 's a magnetic chalkboard . . . which is really fun ! I am reading . . . Eat , Breathe , Love at a good friend 's recommendation . I haven 't decided yet if I like it as much as everyone else seems to . I am hoping . . . that M settles down again soon . We are on week three of some fairly significant instability and I 'm wearing out . I 've had to increase his haldol , and the pdoc seems to have dropped out of sight . . . It would be really nice if M just settled back down again . One of my favorite things . . . a nice sweet cup of tea on a cool Fall morning . Thanks for the Barry 's , Steve . . . I 'm enjoying some right now . |
We celebrated Christmas with the kids and grandkids on the 17th as James , Laura and Will are spending Christmas with Laura 's family in Montana and Bill and I are spending Christmas in Iowa with my Mama and sisters . We had a good day . There were tears of course , because I cry a lot . But there was laughter and smiles , too . How can one not enjoy the antics of an 8 month old and a 15 month old ! This was taken at our church a few weeks ago . Just having the family together is the best gift of all . I don 't need anything else ! But of course my family likes to give presents to each other . Of all the presents I received , the picture below was the most special to me . I never went out to Daddy 's wood shop when I was home but my husband did . He saw this picture displayed above Daddy 's desk . Somehow he was able to smuggle it home without me knowing it . I opened this gift , read it , and burst into tears . When I read this to Daddy 11 years ago , I had no idea how special those words would be in the future to me . Daddy held my hand for many years as he helped me grow and I was able to clasp Daddy 's hand when his life 's work was complete . Because of the promise of Christ , our Heavenly Father , I will be able to clasp his hand again when my life 's work is done here on this earth . No one knows how many years that will be , or even if it is months or days . My life and death is in God 's hands . My Daddy and Amy are having their first Christmas in heaven together . We will miss them here on earth , but cherish the memories we have of them . Emily found this picture of the two of them and this also is one of my treasures . Many people read my blog in other parts of the world that I have never made an acquaintance with . I would like to thank you for taking an interest in my life and in Amy 's story and how she has influenced so many people with her short life . I pray that you will be able to meet Amy in heaven some day . Merry Christmas from Amy 's family to you and yours . Posted by Daddy had lived there for most of his 85 years . I only lived there for 14 . We moved there when I was about 4 years old . But I don 't really remember much about the first farm house we lived in , the house Daddy was born in . So why do my memories of my first 18 years seem to be half of my life when I have lived in my home with my husband for almost 40 years ? My childhood home is the place where I was taught everything that is important to me . It is where I was taught to love others and most of all to love the Lord . I was taught by word and by deed . My parents were wonderful examples to me as I was growing up . It is where my husband and then each new child as they came along spent many , many Christmases . It is where our family fled to , the Christmas after Amy died so we wouldn 't have to spend it in our own home so full of her memories . It was my refuge . Daddy reading the Christmas story from Luke 2 a few years ago . I am so glad I was able to spend almost 2 weeks there in June . Emily and I had taken a road trip and on the day before we left we celebrated Daddy 's 85th birthday . I didn 't know it would be his last . Mama was not well . We were so worried about her . Then in early fall we got a call . Daddy had fallen , but seemed to be ok . It was then found out later he had a stroke . So that 's when we decided we would spend Christmas in Iowa . Then in late October he had more tests done . The doctors thought maybe his gall bladder , then a test showed a mass so surgery was done on October 27th . I flew out on Nov . 2 to be with him for two weeks . . . . to help him and Mama in the hospital , to help get him settled back at home , to set up outside help for both of them at the farm , to do whatever I could to help out . . . so we could come back and spend one last Christmas with him on the farm . But doctors with all their training and experience still don 't know what God has planned for a person 's life . Just two weeks later on the day I was to fly back home , Daddy was welcomed into heaven by his Savior and Amy . I 'm sure she ran into her Granddaddy 's arms and told him all about her mansion with all the rooms waiting for the rest of us that are still down here . Amy and Daddy are no longer in any pain from their earthly bodies . Amy has freedom from Rett Syndrome . Daddy has freedom from cancer and old age . Why , then , do I grieve so much ? And then Daddy died . When I was in the hospital with Daddy I started writing down all the things that brought flashbacks of my time in the hospital with Amy . After only a day and a half I had filled a page in my book , so I stopped . Everything , it seemed , reminded me of her hospitalization and death . From the simplest of things ( like the way they propped Daddy up with pillows ) to the hard things - - interviewing with hospice and dealing with all that leads to the end of life . And the worst possible of memories . . . funeral homes , funeral directors and well - meaning people who really don 't know how to deal with death , all brought back to stark reality that Daddy was gone , just like Amy . But God gave me the strength to endure those three weeks in November . And then back home , where life has not changed for most people . Thanksgiving and all the Christmas preparations . Happiness , Excitement , Joy . But my life has , once again , been turned upside down . Happiness , excitement and joy seem to be eluding me . But I do have a peace . Deep in my heart even though I am in such pain at losing Daddy , I know God loves me . He gave me a special gift . Quite a few years ago , I was watering my plants in the sun room and was consumed with grief . Because of the great love I had for my earthly father , I pleaded and begged my heavenly Father to please let me be there when Daddy died , to be at his side when he left this world and entered eternity . I never really expected God to give me that desire of my heart . As I imagine most long married couples do , Mama and Daddy wanted to die together so I figured they would be in a car accident or some such thing that fits my Disney view of life . But God is not Walt Disney . He had His own perfect plan for Daddy 's life and for mine . Daddy came home on a Friday . A hospital bed had been brought in and the living room had been rearranged to accommodate it as well as a bedside toilet and a walker . Even though Daddy was in a great amount of pain and was taking the strong meds to fight it , he was determined to sleep in his own bed and use the bathroom . This he did Friday and Saturday . He was doing great both of those days and we were able to talk together and when James , Laura , and little Will came Saturday evening he was awake enough to know them and talk to them . Sunday morning he took a turn for the worse . We don 't exactly know what happened , but he went downhill fast . There were still times where he was lucid , but it was hard to understand him and he slept a lot . I spent time singing to him and reading to him from where he had stopped his daily readings . It was in the Psalms . Monday morning was really hard . I helped the girl that stayed that night fix up his bed and he was in so much paThomas said to Him , " Lord , we do not know where You are going , and how can we know the way ? " My father came home to his farm in Iowa on Friday after being in two different hospitals for three weeks . He is 85 years old and he is dying . We were first told he would still be with us at Christmas , then we were told Thanksgiving , this morning we were told he only has a few days at the most . Maybe even just a few hours . It is in God 's hands . He has been my hero even before I was old enough to know what a hero was . He was a farmer for most of his life and he was an adventurer . At 9 years old he helped his dad tear down an old church building and used the lumber to build the house on the farm ; they finished the building and out buildings and moved to the new house in just three years . The house that he still lives in 71 years later . . . the home I grew up in . When he was 16 years old he went to Poland with a load of horses right after WWII . He was called a Seagoing Cowboy . This was part of a humanitarian group that eventually became known as Heifer International . He went to Korea for thirteen months when he was in the Marines and was sent there right after the Chosin Reservoir . That was the second bloodiest battle in the Korean War . He met my mom while at Camp Pendleton , they married and upon discharge moved to Iowa to farm with my grandpa . Their were four daughters in the family . No boys to carry on the family name and to join him in farming . That always made me sad for him , but what a wonderful childhood I had ! I knew I was loved , and that is the most important thing . Because of his love for me I had no difficulty believing in a loving Heavenly Father . We took family vacations most every year . He enjoyed traveling and instilled in me a love of adventure also . He and Mama were able to travel to Europe ( to visit his sister and family in the military ) , and free trips to Hawaii and a cruise to the Bahamas for being such a successful seed corn dealer after he retired from farming . On a visit to our home in 1999 , Daddy said if we wanted he would help us put on an addition with a room on the first floor for Amy . We took him up on the offer in 2001 and he and my mom brought out their fifth wheel trailer and lived with us for the summer . Amy was 18 and her Granddaddy turned 71 that summer while they were there . He was a wonderful Granddaddy to Amy . Granddaddy is what I called my mother 's father when I was growing up . So it just made sense that my children would call their mother 's father Granddaddy . Amy loved her granddaddy . He had a special bond with her . He always accepted her just as she was and loved her . Her Granddaddy will be the first family member she gets to welcome to heaven . He will be able to hear her speak and sing and I imagine they will run some races together , free from the trappings of this earthly body . I must admit that I am jealous . God gave us a blessing when He allowed us to have time with Amy before she died . Now God has granted us another special gift in allowing us to tell our father goodbye . I came two weeks ago and spent time with him in the hospital . Yesterday my son James and his wife Laura and little Will came . Another blessing to be able to hold my grandson ! Daddy has cancer in his pancreas , colon , and stomach . He has beaten prostate cancer and lymphoma . This past surgery was the 28th surgery he has had in his life . He is ready to go to live with Jesus . We have been praying that the Lord will take him quickly and not let him suffer . But I was not ready for it . I wanted more than just a few days . I will treasure the moments I have left , just as I did with Amy . Today I was able to sing the hymn , " Our Great Savior " to him . How precious the words of the third verse , Today is Halloween . I have never much cared for the holiday since I researched the history of it when I was homeschooling my children . I like to think instead of Reformation Day and Martin Luther and when I think of Luther , I can 't help but think of " A Mighty Fortress . " I have always loved that hymn even as a child . I think it was the music more than the words , but as I have gotten older the words have become so sweet to me . I will never forget the Saturday after September 11 , 2001 . We were planning on visiting Lancaster Bible College where Tess was attending and see a concert by Steve Green . We questioned going because of what happened but then decided we needed to spend time with her - - because of what had happened ! The concert was in a medium sized chapel on campus . It was a somber crowd that gathered and Steve Green sang acapella " A Mighty Fortress . " I had chills and was in tears by the time he finished . Of course Amy was with us . She loved music , she loved going places , and she loved seeing her big sister . Today I was reminded of that time . Today I was also reminded , thanks to Facebook , of my blog last year on this day . You can read it here . Last year I was still so full of grief over Amy 's death and so many others at that time . Even our beloved dog had died . We had just attended a funeral of a dear friend of the family and he was a Marine , like my dad . I said in my blog that I wondered if the next military funeral we attended would be my father 's . Well , my parents have both been very ill . My mama has chronic congestive heart failure with only 15 % use of her heart . My dad is in the hospital now with what they think is pancreatic cancer . His diagnosis does not look good . I am flying out on Monday morning to be with them for two weeks . I hope I can help them plan for the immediate future and be a source of comfort to them . But it is only for two weeks . It is hard living so far away . God is and always will be my source of comfort . He has taken me through the valley of the shadow of death with Amy and He will see me through whatever valleys lie ahead with my parents . " A Mighty Fortress " kept going through my head today . I love the last lines to this song . . . . . . " Let goods and kindred go , this mortal life also ; " Sorrow . . . . turns out to be not a state but a process , " penned CS Lewis in his book A Grief Observed . " This statement was the opening of chapter 9 titled , " Enduring " from The Scent of Water . . . . . Grace for Every Kind of Broken by Naomi Zacharias , the book I am presently reading . As I am a great fan of CS Lewis ' writings I eagerly read A Grief Observed soon after Amy 's death . I didn 't get much from it . It was too soon , too near the recent loss of Amy for me to find the comfort I was looking for . I didn 't want to hear that grief was a process . I just wanted to not be grieving ! I just wanted Amy back . My life changed 2 1 / 2 years ago on April 8 , 2013 . I will never be the person I was back then . I will never know what it is like to not have some kind of sorrow inside of me at all times . Amy was too much a part of me to ever feel whole again . But can I find peace ? Can I feel joy ? I am finding out that the answer is yes ! I heard a song a few weeks ago that says , " Earth has no sorrow that heaven can 't heal . " My sorrow will be healed when I get to heaven . So for now on this earth I will let Jesus fill me with His joy and His peace even though a part of my heart will always be missing Amy . A few chapters later in Zacharias ' book , she relates about a huge hole in her backyard that her dog kept digging , no matter what she did or filled it with . While she was out of town her landlord planted a large tree in the hole . I quote from the book here : " She grinned and quipped , " It seemed like the perfect place for a tree , don 't you think ? " Yes , it was the perfect place . The answer was not to cover up the hole . The solution was not to pretend the hole wasn 't there . And it wasn 't to leave the gaping chasm glaring back at us . In this case , the answer was to give it purpose . " This is what my life has needed since Amy 's death . My grief will always be a gaping hole . I tried to pretend it wasn 't there , I tried to cover it up and I tried to fill it with busyness . But what I really needed was purpose . I spent so much of my time caring for Amy and loving on her that when she was gone I felt as if my purpose in life was gone . I often talked to friends about what God had planned for my life and they would say , " You 're going to be a grandma . Maybe God just wants you to take care of your grandkids . " But I never felt like this would be enough . Back in the early spring of this year I was complaining in my head about the condition of our church library . ( It is also where we meet for Sunday School . ) No one has done anything to it for quite a few years and books were stacked everywhere and it was just an eyesore . I felt like God telling me to do something about it instead of complaining ! I gave it a few weeks thought and then talked to the pastor and others and I soon started to work ! The secretary showed me a " closet " . A very large walk - in closet that contained boxes of books stacked chest high that had been donated to the library ! Thousands of books ! This has become my purpose for the last nine months . I only spend a day a week , 3 - 4 hours on that day , but I am finally seeing progress . I will still probably need another 3 - 4 months to complete this task but God has given me a purpose and a vision for the future of not only the church library , but turning the " little " closet into a children 's library . It needs repair , paint , wallpaper , and much love . But I know that God will give this to me as he has each week when I go in , sit down , look at all the books , bow my head , and ask God to give me wisdom ! Will turned one year old last month ! Marissa Amy will be 6 months old tomorrow . I take care of Mari ( as we call her ) 3 - 4 days a week for 6 - 8 hours a day . My grandchildren give me purpose too . Here is a recent video of them together . Will is walking and Mari will soon be crawling as she now gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth . There will be a new grandchild in March . God gives me joy through them . Yes ! Joy ! I have purpose and I have joy . It 's been 2 1 / 2 years and I still miss Amy dearly , but God is healing the wound . There will always be a scar , but I am healing . About a month ago I started reading through the Psalms and yesterday my Psalm for the day was Psalm 30 . Another month has passed . The 8th came and went . I remembered in my heart , but nothing was said . On the 10th Marissa was 4 months old . On the 21st Will will be 11 months . Another little one will be joining us in March . Will will be a " big " brother . Such wonderful news , it brought tears to my eyes , as most things do these days ! My last post was titled , " I have a song . " I think the Lord was preparing my heart for the music of this month . A few weeks ago I started going through the abundance of music we have collected over the years . I needed the shelf unit that our music was stored on to use in another place in our home . So I decided it was time to sort through all the music as most of it is not mine anyway ! Piano music , solo music , accompaniment music , music from my childhood , the kids beginning piano books , and old hymnals . So many old hymnals ! I think one of my girls collected them at one time . I was glancing through one of the hymn books and I noticed a lot of the numbers circled . For a few minutes I wondered why and then I realized it was the hymnal I used with Amy every night before bed . We would sing a hymn together before we prayed and told her goodnight . For some reason I had blocked that from my mind . The pain that shot through me on remembering it was almost too much to bear . I could not believe that I forgotten it was a nightly ritual . I also was grieved because it is not a ritual anymore . With Amy 's death some of the music in my life faded away . As I continued to sort through the stacks of books and sheet music I had the desire to play again . I took piano lessons for five years as a child but I hated it ! As with a lot of things in life , when I became an adult I regretted the fact that I quit and have tried off and on to practice again . I have lost much of what I learned through lack of practice . I actually sat down at the piano and plucked out a tune . It felt good to feel music ( if you can call it that ) come from my fingers again . Three weeks ago Emily was to sing a special number for morning worship . We had Vacation Bible School that week and she was a teacher and also working her job , so she hadn 't had time to pick out a number to practice . I was in the garden Friday evening picking green beans and humming the song " Blessings . " I had sung this song in church twice and my greatest hardship at that time was sleepless nights because of the pain from my neuropathy . Wow ! If I only knew the pain that was to come from a broken heart of a child 's death . As I was humming I felt like God was telling me to sing it on Sunday for Emily . I did my best to argue with myself ( or God ? ) that I wasn 't ready yet . I haven 't sung a solo since Amy died and I really questioned if I would ever be able to sing by myself again . I was able to find the CD with the background vocals and I practiced it . Emily came home from work and I told her what I was thinking . I practiced it a few times on Saturday while Emily was at work and when she came home she helped me . The next to last stanza of the song says , " What if my greatest disappointments Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can 't satisfy " I could never make it through " achings of this life " without my voice breaking with pain . I decided that I would never be able to sing this without Emily 's help . She sang part of the song for me and some of it we sang together . She sang the next to last stanza above and I was able to sing the last stanza by myself , " And what if trials of this life Another special thing happened just this past week . I have been taking care of Marissa quite a lot . About 8 hours a day , 4 - 5 days a week . I 've started talking a lot to her as I used to do with Amy . About anything and everything that is going on at the time or whatever comes to my mind . I 've also started singing to her . I have hummed a lot since Amy died but not actually singing out loud while I 'm working around the house like I used to . I guess having another little person who is not able to talk yet has made me start to communicate with her like I used to with Amy . I used to sing a lot to Amy . I liked to think that I was singing " with " her , because I knew that she was singing in her mind also . Now Marissa Amy just looks and looks at me and then she 'll smile . I know that she will sing " with " Grandma someday . A few days ago I sang " Itsy Bitsy Spider " for the first time with her and she giggled when I tickled her . I burst into tears . So much joy , but still so much sorrow of missing my sweet Amy . Our butterfly bush outside our kitchen window has had constant visitors . Here are a few pictures I was able to capture . We have Swallowtails but this was the first Monarch I have seen in a long time . June has seemed to fly by and we are already in July . Yesterday was the 27th month of missing Amy . Little things have brought so many tears to my eyes the last couple of weeks . Saying good bye to my parents was extremely hard . I 'm not sure when I will see them again . Their health is poor and they still continue to live on the farm I grew up on , where they have lived for 55 years and in the same house my dad helped his father build when he was 15 . Daddy turned 85 while I was there and Mama will be 85 in September . They do not have anyone come in to help them . My dad did agree that it was time to contact an agency . I try not to worry , but put my faith in our Lord that He will give them wisdom and strength . I took so many things for granted when I was a child . One was sunsets . Surrounded by mountains for the last 38 years , I have missed sunsets like this one . It was so good to see the grand kids again ! They had grown in just the few short weeks I had been away . As had my garden and flowers , too ! We had lots of rain , sunshine and heat , perfect for growing . Something else was new . . . . . a kitten . We named her Emmie . See the M on her forehead ? Not a very original name , I know . We wanted to get a dog this spring since Tipps died last fall . The humane society rejected us since we weren 't going to keep it inside the house , so spring passed . I had been praying about it , knowing that God had the right dog for us . So just a week after I was home I saw an ad in the paper for lab puppies . I called and we now have a puppy ! Bill named her Ebony . She is so much fun , a little bit of work , and torture on my flowers ! Little things with the babies have reminded me of Amy . Will has started to eat cut up food . He sometimes hides some of it in his cheeks . Amy used to do that . Marissa stares up at the ceiling . What does she see up there ? Amy used to do that too . I think she could see things that we couldn 't . Like angels . Maybe babies do too . Doesn 't the Bible tell us that each little one has an angel watching over them ? Matthew 18 : 10 I never thought I would be sterilizing baby bottles again , but I am . I have watched Marissa Amy for two days now . Her mommy went back to work full time on the 4th of July . As I held her yesterday and rocked her , in the chair I rocked all my babies in , I told her that she would have loved her Aunt Amy 's room . She would have loved all the flowers and butterflies and the fairy that hung from the ceiling . I started weeping for all the things she will never know about her Aunt . Part of me wished I had kept Amy 's room exactly the same , but the other part of me knows that we did the right thing by moving our bedroom downstairs into her room . I shared my thoughts with Tess when she came to pick Mari up . . . . my sorrow that Mari will never know the sweet aunt that she was named after . In one simple sentence Tess made me realize where my heart thoughts should be dwelling . She said , " Marissa , hopefully , will know her someday . " Yes , that is what I need to think of when I start feeling blue . . . . the future . I need to be in prayer now for my grandchildren , that they will come to know the Lord at an early age and that I will be the kind of grandma that He wants me to be . Amy was what kept me close to God , because she was so needy and yet so pure and Christ - like . She is not here , but my grand kids are and they need me ! Marissa Amy has grown so much ! I love her chubby legs . Will and Laura came to visit yesterday and we decided to get a little fresh air . This past Sunday a beautiful young mother sang a song I had never heard before . It really touched my heart and blessed me . I looked up the video and it was filmed at a place Tess and I had visited in Israel many years ago . Here is the link to it . I have a song . I 'm singing to my Savior , singing to the One who set me free , and my heart will ever praise Him . I have a song . Posted by We have a cabin that we built on the land that was once Bill 's father and is now ours . It is a simple 3 room cabin with a loft . We have had this small area of land picked out for over 30 years and had built a fire pit and camped up there with a tent . An old camper trailer even sat there for awhile . We finally started the cabin in 1998 . Amy was 16 . In 2002 we decided to spend our vacation time as a family finishing the interior work . I lovingly call that vacation , when we start to recollect vacations , as " the vacation from hell . " We worked up there everyday all day until dark , then we would have supper by lantern light as there is no electric . I was having sciatic nerve problems at the time and as there were no beds there yet , we decided to sleep at our house and drive up everyday . We hadn 't camped with Amy since she was about 7 or 8 years old and I knew she wouldn 't get any rest if she couldn 't be in her waterbed . On the days Amy went to school we would leave as soon as she was in the van and then I would come back down and get her around three o ' clock and back up the mountain the two of us would go . She was still able to sit up independently in the truck then . In later years she always needed someone to sit beside her for support . After supper in the evenings I would read aloud to the kids . Emily was 16 and James 13 , but I still read aloud to them . I remember we were reading the Lord of the Rings series at the time . I would come home tired and very sore needing to care for Amy before bed . I guess that is why I gave it the nickname I did because I was not feeling like this was a " vacation . " Looking back , those were good times , teaching the kids necessary skills and having time together . What memories we have made over the years of great times up there with friends and family ! Amy was always a part of everything we did as a family when we went to our cabin . She eventually had an old wheelchair up there , so we didn 't have to cart hers back and forth . She always sat in the cab of the truck , between Bill and I and ( aEmily , Bill , and I were the only ones that went as the others were busy . Emily had gone ahead on the 4 wheeler . I cried most of the 20 minutes it takes to get up there in the truck . There was this huge space between Bill and I where Amy always sat . In her later years she was always snug up against me with my arm around her and supporting her . Now there is only empty space . She loved the rides in the truck , sitting at the cabin , either by the fire or inside . Of course she loved hot dogs and chips ! Sometimes I would let her rest on the sofa and encourage her to sleep , but I don 't ever remember her sleeping . I think she didn 't want to miss anything ! Even though we didn 't really do anything . . . . . . she didn 't want to be left out . Bill and Emily made a new little ring of stones and started a fire . I just sat on the porch steps and soaked in the silence and scenery . Then I saw it . . . . . . . . a yellow butterfly flitting around in the woods . I wandered around inside the cabin and was surprised that it wasn 't as dirty or disgusting as I thought it would be . It needs a good scrubbing but the men did a good job of cleaning up . We decorated the walls with puzzles that we have done over the years and glued together . This is the one in what we called " Amy 's room . " Again the tears started . Bill came in to ask me to go on a ride on the 4 wheeler and we talked about the cabin and how we must keep it up for the grand kids so they can have memories , too . When they are a little older we need to start our family get - togethers up there again . Here are a few pictures from our ride . James and Laura 's dog went with us . When we got back the fire was perfect for hot dogs ! I forgot marshmallows though . I guess it had just been too long since we cooked out ! After supper Emily and her Daddy went for a ride and I cleaned up the food and spent some quiet time on the porch . A big blue butterfly came and fluttered around me then . I only felt joy and not sorrow this time . It had been a good day . Here are a few photos of the trees and the mountain on the way down to our house . Today is the 26th month anniversary of Amy 's home - going . Emily and I are packing to take a road trip together . We leave early in the morning and I will be spending 10 days with my parents . We will leave for home the day after my father 's 85th birthday . I will miss the grand babies while I am gone , but I know time is fleeting for my parents . I am sure we will have precious days together reliving old memories and making new ones . Posted by Today is Mothers Day . A day in the United States set aside to honor mothers . It is my third without Amy and my first as a grandmother . I have had mixed emotions the last few weeks . The tears still come so easily . My mother has been ill for a few months . Nobody seems to be able to diagnose her problems . She and my father live over 1000 miles away from us . I can 't just go visit whenever I want . I wish I could be with her today . My mom two years ago . Last Sunday Tessa brought Marissa to church for the first time . For almost half of the service I held Will and the rest of the time I held Marissa . I cried through almost all of the worship . I am so very very thankful for my two dear grandchildren , but I still miss Amy so much . Will is sitting very well by himself now and he loves to play with toys . He will soon be crawling and then babysitting will get interesting . I think I will be buying some gates ! Will at 7 1 / 2 months Marissa is a doll . She loves to be cuddled and she is so peaceful when she sleeps and actively moving her arms and legs when she is awake . I think she will be an early crawler and walker if she continues to have as much energy as she does now . Marissa at one month I still struggle with fear . . . . . Fear that something will happen to them . It is an emotion that I take to the Lord often . I still see Amy is so many little things . I saw this figurine and the way the little girl holds her hands reminded me of Amy . It now sits in her memory garden . I also saw a cute little fairy that I added to her ( overflowing with gnomes ) area . God has given us a gift of an overabundance of beautiful flowers this year . This past week Tessa gave me another wonderful gift . She copied all her pictures from the last two and a half years on a flash drive for me . I finally looked at them last night and thought my heart would break . Sometimes it still hurts so much to look at Amy 's pictures . It gives me a pain that I cannot describe . But what a gift it is to have these . She took photos of when Amy was in the hospital and of her in the casket . I know that sounds morbid but I am so glad to see what she looked like once again as I have blocked that out of my mind . I only remember how hard and cold her skin felt . What a joy it is to see how beautiful she looked and how pretty we fixed up her casket . She took pictures of Amy 's room and her flowers and balloons people had sent to her and to us . Thank you , Tessa . I know you feel bad because it took you so long to get them to me , but God knew that this was the time I needed to see them . Sisters , hand in hand a few days before Amy left us here on this earth . Another blessing was a surprise group of photos of Amy 's class releasing balloons . I sent her class a bunch of balloons in memory of Amy on the second year of her celebration of life . I never dreamed that they would release them . That was so special and precious to me . Thank you . I cannot share the picture because of privacy laws , but you know who you are . Thank you so very much . Happy first Mothers Day to my daughter , Tessa , and daughter - in - law , Laura , and Happy Mothers Day to my dear Mama . My sweet Amy , I know that God allows you to send me " gifts . " I saw a big yellow and black butterfly yesterday . Thank you , sweetheart . Mommy misses you . Posted by Marissa Amy was born 2 years and 2 days after her Aunt Amy went to live in heaven . We gathered one week ago today at the cemetery to release balloons and remember Amy . It was dreary , cloudy and misting a little . Even with the heavy clouds the balloons still went up to the heavens . We watched until we could see them no more . Tessa was already having some contractions but she was there at the cemetery to honor her sister . Her labor was long and progressed slowly . On Friday after 42 hours of labor little Marissa Amy was born . I have , of course , had my thoughts on Tessa quite a lot this past month . We had her baby shower the end of February and she told me later that she wanted to honor Amy and tell everyone that she had always felt like a mother but the tears were already spilling over and she didn 't want to make it worse for me or her . I , too , have always felt like Tessa was a second mother to Amy , but something happened last month that made me think a lot more about what it must have been like to grow up with Amy as her big sister . My daughters , a friend and I had a special outing to the new movie " Cinderella " . It was a movie we wanted to see as soon as we saw an advertisement for it and saw that Cinderella had a glass butterfly on each of her glass slippers . We wanted to go together to remember Amy . She would have loved the movie . But that night I tried not to think of that . I just was enjoying the story and not wanting to cry . As Cinderella was being transformed into the beautiful princess by her fairy godmother , Tessa started crying and whispered to me , " I wonder if that is how Amy felt going to heaven . " It did bring tears to my eyes that she was so moved by the scene , but I didn 't feel the same and was confused by her feelings . We talked about it later and she said that she thought Amy would have felt beautiful just like Cinderella Amy affected Tessa as they were growing up . As Amy 's mom I always thought she was beautiful . She was my baby and I took care of her and loved her . As she grew up I became her voice before the school board , the board president , and two different school superintendents and principals through the years . I was mom , and did what any mom would do . I put Tessa in this category also as she was her " second " mom . She was only two years older than Amy but took care of her just as good as I did once she was old enough to do so . I never gave much thought to how she felt having a special needs sister . Amy was a part of our family and we included her in everything we did and made adjustments so she could be included . I always tried to dress her nicely , keep the drool wiped up and keep her smelling nice . I have realized that I don 't notice other people when we are in public and I don 't make eye contact because over the years I didn 't want to see if people were staring at us or not . My two youngest volunteered in Amy 's classroom for a couple of years once a week , playing with the other special needs kids . Amy was just their big sister even though she couldn 't do things they could do . Emily is almost 5 years younger and James 7 years younger than Amy . But Tessa was always there . From the beginning of her life Amy always had a big sister . Does Tessa remember as a 4 year old when Amy started screaming and screaming and nothing could be done to comfort her ? Does she remember all the doctor visits to find out what was wrong with her little sister ? Does she remember being told that Amy was going to die because that is what the doctors told us ? Does she remember when we finally found out that she had Rett Syndrome and the doctor said we were not given a death sentence but a life sentence of care for Amy ? What are her memories from her earliest years with Amy ? Tessa tends to hold her feelings in and I am just realizing the pain that she must have felt knowing that her sister couldn 't do the things that she could do . Putting herself in Amy 's place , I guess she might have felt left out and not very pretty . She might even have felt like the " cinder " of Cinderella . Never getting to play like a normal sister , not getting to dress up and go to " the ball " to meet the prince . I remember when Tessa went to college and she had to tell Amy goodbye . Amy blinked and blinked , trying to tell her sister that she loved her . I think now , that it must have been just as hard on Tessa to tell her sister goodbye as it was on Amy . Tessa was going on an exciting adventure , to live away from home and learn new things and meet new people . Amy had to stay at home , not just as a little sister , but forever . I was okay with that , but was Tessa ? As time passed , Tessa moved back home , moved to an apartment and then met her husband . Her life moved on , Amy 's stayed the same . But Amy 's life was enriched by the people Tessa met and the constant love of Tessa and her presence in her life . She took Amy so many places and made her life full . Amy 's last few years were spent surrounded by all the people who loved her the most . Now Tessa has her own little girl . Who knows what the future holds for this wee little one . She has already had to stay in the hospital for a week due to a fever at birth while Tessa was released after 2 days . But Tessa said Amy 's hospital stay has prepared her for this . It is only one more full day and she will get to bring home her precious daughter on Friday . One thing I do know . Marissa Amy is already loved more than any little girl could possibly be loved . March has seemed forever long to me this year . Our weekend away for Amy 's birthday brought back many memories of our oldest daughter 's days living in Lancaster , going to college and then another year on her own . So many trips back and forth to see her singing niece from England ! That was definitely a blessing from the Lord as they were finished eating and on their way out the door when her daughter had to use the washroom . They sat and visited with us while we ate and then we shared a few more precious minutes before they had to be on their way . This was the same niece that visited us for two weeks in January and so it was so good to see them once again . We wandered through the country , enjoyed the snow and the Amish farms . We happened upon this farm with the snow people and a snow cave . A day after we came back home Bill had his shoulder operated on again . All went well and he had intense physical therapy and is still going to therapy three times a week even though the spring work has now started . He is still in a good bit of pain , but manages to put up with it . I was on the edge of tears most of the month . Just waiting . Waiting for spring and warm weather , waiting for the month of Amy 's birth and the memories of her hospitalization of two years ago to be over , waiting for something I do well . One Sunday we were all in church together . The first hymn we sang that morning was " Joyful , Joyful We Adore Thee . " This was the first song we sang at Amy 's funeral . She loved Beethoven and really liked this hymn . I think this is the first time we sang it since she died . Emily and I looked at each other and the tears started . Then we sang a new song , " Sovereign Over Us . " ( New to me , anyway . ) You are sovereign over us I was holding baby Will and I could see Tessa 's very pregnant tummy on the other side of Bill . I had so much to be thankful for , but I was feeling such loss . Most of that service I spent in tears . The following Sunday we had a guest speaker . The title of his sermon was " For the Glory of God . " He talked about our inevitable encounter with loss , that everything is about our change of heart , and everything is for God 's glory . He read the passage about Lazarus , Mary and Martha , " This sickness is not to end in death , but for the glory of God , so that the Son of God may be glorified by it . " John 11 : 4 He said we can put whatever is going on in our life in the blank . This _______________ is for the glory of God , so that the Son of God may be glorified by it . God spoke to me through this message and I realized that my life is not about Amy 's death , but about the glory of God . And then in verses 14 and 15 , " So Jesus then said to them plainly , " Lazarus is dead , and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there , so that you may believe ; but let us go to him . " I realized that God could have healed Amy but He chose not to . He chose to take her to heaven with Him , for His glory . Do I really , really believe this ? Does self - pity rule my heart or does God ? What God impressed upon my heart the most was that I need to visit Amy 's grave with celebration not with sorrow . I need to celebrate the day of her " going to heaven to live with Him " not as a horrible thing but one of great glory ! I have found it difficult to visit the cemetery since my niece and family were here . I used to go there a lot and talk to Amy and cry . Almost always I would go in sorrow . But then I started to feel like there was no reason to go anymore . It just seemed so meaningless . She 's not really there . But listening to the preacher talk about Mary and Martha and how everything that happens to us is for the glory of God , I realized that there is reason to visit her grave still and that reason is for rejoicing ! Rejoicing that she is no longer living in this world full of sickness and pain , but living in a beautiful palace with the King . Thank you sweet Jenna , for this photo . I needed this reminder . I still need it and I always need to remember it was for God 's glory that He took Amy home . We will be celebrating the second anniversary of Amy 's home - going on Wednesday . As last year , we will meet at the cemetery and each release a balloon in Amy 's memory . Last year we had an extra balloon for the child Laura was carrying . This year we will add another balloon for Tessa and Brad 's little girl . Only God knows if she will still be in the womb or in her mother 's arms . Posted by |
I didn 't want kids . But my ex was ten years older , ready to start a family . To keep a classy guy like him happy with tattooed me I gave sperm and we got a surrogate . When I saw my son I was in love . . . I thought he was , too . Six months later he says Archer is a mistake , kicking us out . Now that it is just the two of us can I find true love ? Genre / Tags : Contemporary / family drama ; performance arts ; celebrities ; musicians / rockstars ; sweet ( no sex ) ; men with children ; HFN ; tattoos " I 'm just not cut out for this . I 'm sorry . " Austin gave him that puppy dog look , but Zach was too pissed to even notice . " Are you kidding me ? You 're the one who wanted this ! You said you were ready for a family ! " Zach couldn 't even be bothered to lower his voice , his heart aching as Archer screamed on the blanket covered floor surrounded by his toys , not liking his parents shouting . " I 'm sorry . I 'm just gonna leave . I thought I could do this , but he 's screaming all the time . I can 't sleep , I go to work tired and then fall asleep at my desk . I can 't Zach . I 'm sorry . " Austin bowed his head in remorse , but fat lot of good that did to Zach . " What are you talking about ? He cries when he 's hungry or in pain . Any other time he 's the closest you can get to an angel . " Zach couldn 't contain his shock nor subdue his fear , " I can 't raise him on my own . I have to work to pay the rent . You know the savings are gone . " His chest was aching from anxiety . He cared for Austin , even though he couldn 't quite find those feelings at that particular moment , but what Austin was doing bordered on criminal . " You 'll manage . You love him , your friends will surely help . " Zach just stared at him in disbelief , intensely enough that Austin took a retreating step . " I 'm gonna go now . I 'll pick up my things some other time . " Austin said as he rushed toward the door , leaving Zach to pick up the pieces and make sure neither him nor Archer starved . He walked to the boy , dropping on his knees and picking him up from the blanket . " Shh , baby , it 's gonna be okay . We 'll figure it . It 's just you and me now , Archer , just you and me . " He rocked the child in his arms , smelling the soft baby scent and holding his tears away . He would cry when Archer was asleep , no sense in upsetting the little one . No sense at all . It was one of those mornings when everything seemed to be slightly off . Zach overslept , not by a lot but enough . With his son to take care of , getting ready for work was always an interesting but way too long a feat . Archer was still sleeping as Zach stumbled into his room , pulling up his jeans and stepping barefoot onto the softest carpet he 'd managed to find when they still had some money , when there were still two providers in the picture . Zach shook his head , dispelling those thoughts . He 'd learned months ago that he just didn 't have time for unproductive realizations . Archer whined softly , hiccupping himself into a cry and Zach lifted him up , pulling him against his body and shushing him earnestly . " Hush , little baby , it 's just morning , " he cradled his son 's head , rubbing at the soft black hair . Archer looked so much like him it made Zach 's heart swell at times , pushing the point forward of why exactly it was so worth it , why he couldn 't make himself regret having Archer , not even for a moment . " We 're gonna go see your uncles . Yes , they 'll take care of you until daddy is free . And then we 're gonna read a story , " Zach went to put his hands together and make a sign for a book before he caught himself and kept them securely around his baby . " You 'll have to play for a bit Archer . Daddy needs to change . " Zach put him on the thick blanket filled with soft toys and left the bathroom door opened as he pulled off his wet clothes and rubbed down with a wet towel . There was no time for a shower and he knew Archer would get cranky soon enough since it always frustrated him that his muscles weren 't strong enough yet to lift him and hold him as he pleased . Finally ready , Archer in his arms , the baby smell surrounding him , and a gray baby bag he 'd learned to always carry with him . He 'd wanted a black one , since it was his preferred color , but the best he 'd found was gray with big pink letters sewed in the front . Another tripping stone for a single dad . He looked at his bike and bicycle longingly , then walked to the crap car he 'd bought when Austin burned the tires driving off fast from the two of them with his . He had the baby seat , and followed all the precautions necessary for the safety of his son , but he hated cars and he especially had a beef with this one . As soon as Archer was old enough he would be riding with him on the bicycle . He 'd even thought about getting one of those trailers , but it would have put Archer too far out of reach and he didn 't have enough confidence in the thing to entrust it with the safety of his child . But Archer would be riding with him soon and Zach just knew the little one would love it . It was Gabriel who opened the door , serious until he noticed Archer in Zach 's arms . Then he grinned , carrying the expression Zach only ever saw on his twin brother , Michael . " Baby boy ! " He exclaimed , making Archer almost jump out of Zach 's arms into his . Zach 's son outstretched his arms and pushed as far from his body as he could to get closer to Gabriel . " You 're one of his favorite people . Strange considering you 're the man moms warn their daughters about . " Gabriel smirked at Zach , taking Archer and lifting him high above his head . " Your daddy is delusional . Isn 't that so , baby boy ? Delusional ! " He emphasized the word making Archer giggle . " You know I 'm adorable and the best uncle in the world , " he said proudly . " Sure . Me and the little guy are gonna make such a mess . Uncle Michael loves to clean . " Zach saw Michael move to slap G 's ass , but stopped himself before he could connect , " You 're gonna pay for that later , " he said instead . " Well what else am I supposed to do ? It 's not like I have a partner to pitch in with the rent or take care of Archer for a few hours . I can 't leave him alone the whole day . I 'm a fucking father . " Zach snapped back , his gaze never wavering . He was short on patience and Michael wasn 't saying anything Zach didn 't already know . " I know that . We 're always here if you need help . But you can 't just keep working and taking care of Archer . You need to live . I know it 's hard and you don 't feel like it , but if you 're miserable Archer will be too . " Michael persisted and Zach put his head between his palms and sighed . " I know , but I don 't remember what dating is anymore . Wouldn 't even know where to start . Besides , I feel guilty leaving Archer with others , after Austin left I 'm all he has , and he 's all I have Michael . " " I know , my friend . We 'll work it out . The kid loves us . G and I will take care of him when you need to do your thing . " " Zach , that 's a job . No matter what anyone tells you , you are a great parent and as long as it 's legal it doesn 't matter what you do to support your flesh and blood . Besides , he 's not even a year old , you have more than enough time before he starts school . We 'll worry about it then . " " Yeah , you 're right . But I can 't help it but worry . I have nightmares about something happening to me and Archer being all alone . It 's like post - pregnancy terror only I 'm not a woman . " Michael smiled at me . " It 's normal , you worry . And God knows Austin didn 't help any . But Gabriel and I will take care of everything if something happens to you . You know that . " I smiled at him , but there was no feeling behind it . I was wary and tired . I needed another spark in my life except my child or I was going to burn out . " Yeah . You have a scheduled industrial , bridge and double nipple . Those are already here . Two walk - in . One for a consultation and one for a nose stud . " Jill said , flipping through her notes . " As always honey . You 're a popular needle man . " She smiled showing off her venom piercing , the tongue kind , not that her lips were ring - free . Their Jill was the best advertisement a parlor could want , and most of her piercings and tattoos had been done at Adam 's . " Hey , Zach , " Adam greeted him as he walked past his working station , the closest one to his piercing area . " Busy today ? " Zach asked , showing the girl where she could sit . Stations however , did have the option of being closed off by ceiling high , thick curtains , depending on the wishes of the clients . Zach 's station was the last one and was more a room than simply a desk with working space . Instead of a curtain it was closed off by a wall with a window in the middle of it and had a set of double doors which stayed open unless they had a big project or an extensive modification . The window was used for easier communication but had a pull out cover if the client wanted privacy . " It 's a rush as always . I have a friend coming later . A rock star wanting his first tattoo . " Adam smirked at what seemed like a private joke . " ' Guessing game ' " he said , " I don 't know if you even listen to music anymore , but they 've been around for a few years . Hit it big last spring . " " Never heard of them , " but the girl in his seat obviously had because her eyes got big and glazed . Adam laughed on the other side of the window , working on the shoulder tattoo . " Noah is an attention whore . Everyone who 's bothered to turn on the TV in the past year has heard of him . " The procedure was standard considering how many of those he 'd done over the years . Zach talked her through it , made sure she really wanted it and disinfected everything twice just to make sure . Something he always did since the first piercing he 'd had done to him got infected . There wasn 't a better learning curve than personal experience . As soon as Zach started working , time started slipping by him . After the girl came another , then a guy , and after that he just lost count . He wasn 't fast when it came to the job , since he tried to give everyone the time they deserved and the best focus an artist could give them , but by the time noon rolled over quite a few people had passed over his chair and only the sudden commotion at the front of the parlor made him look up from the cute little belly button and through the uncovered window . The curtains were drawn on a couple of stations , enough to block his view so Zach turned back to the job at hand . Suddenly the girl in his chair screamed and Zach turned back to her , fear gripping his insides . He had moved all the sharp objects from her vicinity . But the girl wasn 't looking at him , she was staring through the window , red in her face and fanning herself . He laughed all the way down from his belly like he hadn 't done in months and even though he knew the girl was embarrassed and people we starting to look , he just couldn 't stop . Through his laugh he reached for the aftercare pamphlet and somehow gasped out to the now grinning girl to talk to Jill up the front . Jill always repeated the care instructions after the artist was done with the client . And the motherfucker was tall . Zach gulped , the curse word tasting strange on his tongue as he swallowed it back . He 'd forgotten what it meant to curse , he was a father now . He needed to get a better handle on himself and screw his lust dazed head back on . " Hi . I 'm Zach , nice to meet you , " he held out his hand as he croaked , his throat suddenly dry . People had somehow moved out of the way , leaving all this empty space between him and Noah and Zach was terrified . It wasn 't natural to have the ground just slip from under his feet because he saw a good looking man . And boy was he good looking , tall and dark with a wide face and spell - casting green eyes . He wore more make up than some girls Zach knew but he also carried it way better , and when he smiled Zach all but whimpered . " Noah , the pleasure is all mine , sweetcheeks . " Zach blushed crimson , pulling his hand out of that electrifying grip and stepping away . " Hope you 're happy with the tattoo , it was nice meeting you . " He said and just about ran away back to his work place , pushing his head closer to the desk so that he could ignore the sight of the gorgeous rock star on the other side of the window . " Don 't know what 's up with him today , sorry . " Adam said as he sat Noah down . Zach could hear them but hoped they would move to another topic just as he 'd hoped his cock would have enough courtesy to deflate before another client came Zach 's way . " Nothing to worry about , I 'm sure he 's just busy . How have you been you old dog ? I haven 't seen you in ages . I figured the only way to get to you was to set up an appointment where you could stick your tools in me . " Adam laughed , but Zach only blushed more despite not being a part of the conversation . He had very different tools in mind and that sweet voice did just about everything but help . Zach peeked through the window without even thinking about it . He looked as Noah 's shirt slipped off his body , revealing inch by inch of skin . Freckled skin . God , so many freckles . Zach bit his lip and after casting a gaze around for any clients he might have missed , he pressed the edge of his palm against the base of his cock , easing the stiffness while fighting not to lose it right then and there . Noah had a wide back with perfectly outlined muscles , and as Zach 's gaze slipped lower he couldn 't look away from those two dips in the flesh just above Noah 's pants . That is until it slipped lower and Zach was blinded by the sinful sight of an ass encased in leather . It hugged those cheeks , and Zach bet it felt smooth against Noah 's skin , against his bare skin . Bare skin of his ass . Zach groaned almost painfully . Zach had cooled down by the time he 'd picked Archer up from Michael and G . His baby was still sleepy but happy enough as he cuddled against Zach 's neck . He missed his daddy just as much Zach missed his son , and it was only luck that allowed him to leave the little one so often . With everyone else but his uncles as of late , Archer wailed and cried when it came time for Zach to leave for work . He didn 't want to part with his father and it all but broke Zach 's heart to see his child cry so inconsolably . As they walked into their apartment , Archer started chatting . His rumbling and gurgling little sounds were comforting when there was no one to greet them at home but silence . " Are you happy to be home , Archer ? " Zach asked as he dropped the bag on the chair and sat down on the couch , propping his child on his knees . Zach made a bottle with Archer in his arms , trying to reach and grab everything around him despite having a pacifier in his mouth . It took skill to maneuver around without the baby knocking anything down and still stay focused on actually preparing food . Archer was a good baby . Other than fussing when his teeth first started giving him pains and being upset when Zach and Austin used to argue , he seemed always happy and chatty . Zach didn 't understand his little words , but loved listening to the gurgles as if Archer told stories of knights and dragons . He might have been as far as Zach knew , Archer was certainly animated enough for that . With the bottle done and Archer 's eyes already slowly closing , Zach forgo on the solid food again and changed his half sleeping baby before taking them both to the bedroom for a nap . He spent the afternoon playing with Archer , reading him stories , driving soft cars around him and watching over him as he gripped the edge of the couch and stood on his little feet . He liked to bounce up and down and G joked he was preparing for the pole , training his hips just like his dad . Michael had smacked the back of his head of course , but Zach was glad every time someone mentioned Archer acting or looking like him . Even when that comparison referred to strip dancing . " Daddy is going to get dressed now . " He told him , heading toward the bedroom and motioning for Carole to follow . It was embarrassing at first to let her stay in his room as he changed , but considering his line of work , it quickly became more important to have Archer 's cheeks free of tears for at least a couple of minutes more . So he handed Archer to Carole , " Daddy is right here . Say hi to Carole , Archer . " And while Archer hated the situation he actually liked Carole , and pressed his little face against her neck in hello as he watched Zach change with his sleepy eyes . He heard Archer crying as he closed the door of the apartment behind him , but there was no helping it . At night he danced in a friend 's strip club to pay the bills . He loved dancing , loved the club , and he certainly appreciated the cash but it didn 't seem like a respectable job for someone with a child and while he worked part time as he did in the tattoo parlor , it still took him away from Archer for a longer time than he was comfortable with . Shutting the blinds on those thoughts , Zach fastened his carry - on to the back of his bike and turned on the engine . It was time to shake some hips . One thing that was different from that day when he 'd met Adam 's friend were the dreams . Nightmares still visited him on occasion , but what haunted him more were the flashes of naked flesh , visions of that naughty smirk and he knew the wetness of his sheets each morning had a direct link to the freckles of a certain man . It was embarrassing to say the least , but Zach still dreamt , almost every night , and he woke up covered in sweat and come , breathing as if he 'd spent the whole night running and blushing as if Noah could have seen him so debauched in his own room . It was maddening and it distracted him for half of each morning . Enough so that even Gabriel asked if he was alright a couple of months after the dreams had first started . Zach was late for work again and was just leaving Archer with the twins . " Of course I 'm alright . Why wouldn 't I be ? " " You seem distracted . Something is bugging you , but I 'm not gonna pry . I 'll tell Michael to do it . " G grinned and Zach rolled his eyes , knowing G would do just that and Michael wouldn 't let go . He never did once he sank his teeth into something . " Fine . I still have to go . " Zach said as he turned and rushed back to his car . The parlor was busy once he arrived there and Jill was at his throat straight away . " You 're late ! And Adam isn 't here . He said he 'd call you and ask you to cover the shop until he gets here . I moved most of his appointments but you have to talk to the others . " She gestured with her hands as she talked . " I forgot my phone … " Jill interrupted him , " And you have puke on your shoulder . You must change . " Zach blushed and stretched his shirt to see . She was right , of course . " Go in the back . I 'll send you your first client . Only Noah is here for Adam . He said he wanted you to do a piercing for him , but asked if he could watch first . " Jill was pushing Zach toward the back when he froze at her words and turned around . " What ? " " Adam needs to finish Noah 's tattoo , and since Noah doesn 't have much time right now he came early to do a piercing as well . He requested you . Can we go now ? " Jill was exasperated and I could understand that , but that didn 't mean my feet were able to move . " Why me ? " She rolled her eyes . " Because you 're one of the best and he prefers to bring business to ' Adam 's ' rather than some other parlor . So do a good job and get your head out of your ass . You can 't work if you 're this distracted . " " You too . " He uttered and by sheer luck extracted himself from Noah 's grip before his erection killed his career . The last thing he needed to do was molest the rock star clients . " Zach , tell him ' Guessing Game ' rocks . " Noah 's lips turned in a half pout which should have been weird on such a tall and manly guy , but looked almost adorable . Zach shook his head again , steering away from flashes of his dreams that threatened to fill his head . " Never heard of Guessing Game . " He moved toward his working desk and started pulling out his supplies . " No . Never heard of your band , or of you for that matter . Before Adam introduced us , of course . " Zach managed to keep his cool . On the outside at least - he was melting inside . The guy smelled amazing . " I hope it hurts . " Now Noah did actually pout and Zach turned to look , mesmerized by those full and wet lips . " Likewise . " David said with a grin and Noah smiled back saying , " I like you . " " Yeah , sure . In a platonic way . " If that wicked expression on Noah 's face was anything to go by David had plenty of reason to doubt the guy . " Okay , " Zach tried very hard not to stare at the way those black jeans hugged Noah 's thick thighs or how the black T - shirt pressed against his chest . Even the leather jacket made him want to sniff , rub himself against all that ' pretty ' . What Zach needed to do was get laid . " Of course , whatever the artist wants . " Noah stood up quickly and pushed the chair Zach 's way . " Thanks . You can sit over there or stand if you want to watch and David is alright with it . " Zach turned to David , " You are okay with it , right ? " David nodded , " Sure . My girl is gonna come when she hears Noah from the Guessing Game watched my nipple get pierced . I bet she 'll get her satisfaction from the nearest victim . " His grin was infectious and all three laughed . " Right . Let 's get to work . " Zach said and went through all the pre - piercing chatter he liked to do in case the client had second thoughts later on . He cleaned the area , marked the spot , so to speak , and got to work . The guy was a sport about it , not uttering a sound as Zach took hold of the nipple with a forceps and actually looking as the needle went through flesh . Noah leaned forward , watching the whole thing and breathed roughly over Zach 's shoulder , making him instantly hard . Zach ignored it as much as he could , but he knew that whole situation was something that was sure to feed his wet dreams . " Holly mother of God ! " It just slipped out . Quiet but enough for Noah to grin as widely as he could and for his hand to casually pass over his belly . It was completely and utterly unprofessional . Something that hadn 't happened to Zach since he 'd done some of his first piercings . The anger at himself diffused the arousal buzzing through his body , and Zach rushed through the rest of the mandatory chatter , really not in the mood for the way Noah kept trying to catch his gaze or the way he felt deep inside . The way he 'd forbidden himself to ever feel again . " May I stay here through your next appointment ? Adam is still not here . " Noah eventually asked , politely , not even a trace of his seductive ways , and Zach couldn 't say anything short of yes . " Yeah . It 's just for the photo shoot . Plus I 'm sort of a piercing junky . " The girl 's voice was muffled as she lay on her stomach . " Does it scar ? " " Not at all . This is probably my seventh corset , right Zach ? Do you see any scars ? " Zach hummed in agreement while Noah exclaimed , " You 're my inspiration , doll . " Zach had to blink away the image of Naked Noah spread out on his table , " Sure . Just settle everything with Jill and Adam . They now my schedule better than I do . " " Be warned , Zach will want to remove them as well . He doesn 't do permanent on the first go and especially not to a piercing newbie . He doesn 't trust us to not keep the piercings after the shoot . " Then a phone rang and suddenly the playful Noah was gone only to be replaced with a businessman . In a furry of words and motion he said his goodbyes and left Zach stunned , leaned over Mary . It was one of those days when nothing made much sense . Dancing that night around a pole , having both men and women tuck bills into his thong seemed more difficult than ever . He missed his son and kept thinking about Noah . What would a self - assured and larger - than - life guy see in a stripper ? Zach flashed his tattoos , seduced with his gaze but failed to give the crowd even a whisper of a smile . Those he was still only able to give to Archer . " I 'm sorry Zach , we won 't be able to look after Archer this morning . Gabriel was working this morning and broke a glass . I have to take him to the hospital . Even the bar will be closed until I find someone to jump in . Sorry , man . I gotta go , he 's bleeding all over the car . " Zach listened to the message Michael had left on his cell at something like dawn . " Hi Carole . Sorry to wake you up this early . But could you possibly take Archer this morning ? My morning babysitters can 't make it . " Zach asked desperately . " No ? You 're at work already ? " Zach 's heart sank . " No , no , I completely understand . I 'll think of something . Have a good day at work . " He hung up , at the verge of panic . " Hey , Adam . I can 't make it today . " Zach tapped his hand against his thigh . " Yeah , I know there 's work . There always is . I don 't have anyone to look after Archer . Gabriel got hurt and Michael took him to the hospital . " Zach listened to Adam then promptly answered , " No , he 's going to be alright . Probably just needs stitches or something . But I can 't take a baby into a tattoo parlor . " Zach sighed . " I don 't know why not , it 's just not appropriate . " " Fine . We 'll come . But don 't bitch at me when he starts crying , and warn Jill before I get there . " Zach rubbed at his eyes , already exhausted . " Hi , little baby ! " Jill rushed right over , picking him out of his carrier and lifting him up in the air . " Your naughty daddy never brings you here to see us . It 's because you 're better looking , yes you are … " Archer gurgled and laughed at her , trying to grab her pink hair and Zach let out a sigh of relief . The first thing that went wrong was Archer crying as soon as Zach left his line of sight . He didn 't really know Jill and wasn 't comfortable with Zach always leaving him with others . That meant he had to bring him to his working space and alternate between leaving him in his chair and making a soft playing space for him on the floor in the corner of the room . Despite all the people being friendly , and Archer reaching for everyone who gave him the time of day , it was very distracting . Zach couldn 't stop checking on him and relaxed only when Jill would have a few spare minutes and took Archer 's little hands in hers , making him walk in front of her . It was near the end of his work day , with just a few more piercings left to do , that Archer became inconsolable . He was secured in his carrier and wanted to go to sleep . But the machines around him buzzed despite the door to Zach 's working area being closed and Archer could see his daddy just a few feet away and he couldn 't understand why Zach couldn 't hold him as he did every day before bed . " I 'm sorry . I know this is really not the best memory to have for your first piercing . I apologize . " Zach said to the man who wanted a lip ring . It was annoying , and it was really bad when it came to working conditions , but other than trying to do the job as fast as he could , all Zach cared about was his child . " Are you people insane ? You can 't have a brat crying in a tattoo parlor . I 'm gonna take my business elsewhere . I can 't listen to this . " Zach heard someone yelling from the other side of the wall and flushed . Surprisingly enough , Zach heard the chair creak as the man sat down , and the tattoo artist asking if he could continue . It didn 't make things any better and Zach swore to himself silently that he was never again going to bring Archer to his work place . He should have stayed at home . His heart had enough heartbreak and Archer inconsolably crying was worse than a knife through Zach 's chest . Zach 's heard stuttered in his chest and his mouth went dry . If he thought of Noah a sex god before , now he was sex incarnated , with his eyes covered in makeup and glitter , his hair styled to stand straight up and a tight blue hued shirt under a black suit jacket … Zach sighed , completely ignoring his client . It wasn 't that Noah looked feminine , he was so far from it , it was unreal . Under the makeup and the diamonds at the corner of his eyes , he still had a strong jaw , thick eyelashes and enough height and build on his to make Zach 's knees go week . " Do you mind ? " Noah asked , pointing with his finger toward crying Archer . Zach just nodded not even registering the question . He obviously had a thing for blue nail polish and leather , fingerless gloves . Oh yeah , he really did . " Don 't worry about it . Kids cry . " The guy smiled at Zach and Zach returned the favor , then reached into the drawer and pulled out a care pamphlet . " Stick to the rules and talk to Jill up front . We don 't want any consequences . " The guy smiled again and quietly left the room . Zach looked back at Noah who had his arms full of Archer . His son looked even smaller next to Noah 's wide chest and unintentionally , Zach 's cheeks felt warm with a blush . Archer was touching the pointy hair and pushing his fingers in Noah 's eyes . He 'd never seen so much make up and certainly not anything as sparkly as the colors on Noah 's face . But Noah just laughed , cooing at Archer and letting him get away with whatever he wanted . His little fingers were a lethal weapon , still uncoordinated and capable of leaving mighty scratches . Zach knew . And yet , Noah took it all in stride . Completely ignoring Zach , he held conversations with the little guy and Archer couldn 't stop grinning at him . Noah had his head tilted to the side and he was lowered in the chair , making for a very uncomfortable position , but Archer stretched over his chest , resting on Noah 's torso . He had Noah 's shirt firmly gripped in his little fist and drooled on Noah 's jacket . Zach 's felt that tingle in his chest again , warm all over as he looked at the two of them so peaceful and content . They could have been father and son , with their hair the same color and the way both their mouths stayed slightly open in their sleep . Noah didn 't drool , which amused Zach but he expected that was due to his position . He wondered if that would that be the case when Noah shared a pillow with Zach . Then promptly shook his head to dispel that delusional thought . " What 's a guy to do when two cuties need help . " He grinned at Zach , " He 's absolutely adorable . " Then he looked up at Zach , " Can I keep him ? " Zach grinned back , " I 'm kind of attached . He 's my life . " That made Noah 's expression turn serious and he spoke , " I know what you mean . There is no way he couldn 't be . Makes me want children of my own . " " Zach just curved his lips , feeling somewhat uncomfortable . " Here , let me take him . I 'm done for today and we should be going . " Noah helped him take Archer who instantly adjusted himself without waking and continued his rest even once he was placed in his carried and secured . " I 'm still finding it weird that you 're not blinded by my fame . I kind of love it . " Noah slipped and if Zach wasn 't sure Noah never blushed he would have mistaken the bit of red in his cheeks as just that . " Dude , I didn 't even have time to Google you yet . " Noah laughed then covered his mouth with his hand . But Zach saw enough to be once again smitten by the guy . " No , that 's pretty much great . So … " Noah trailed off , seeming suddenly insecure , something that really didn 't suit him , but then his lips tightened and he seemed to be standing taller , " Do you want to go out with me sometime ? " Zach was surprised enough to almost drop Archer 's carrier with his son in it . " You … I … What ? " he stammered , not quite sure he 'd even heard right . " I like you . Hell , I 'm hard every time I see you . My eyes glitter for you , baby , " he grinned with the last of the sentence , " So I want to take you out , get to know you better . Say yes ? " " Um , yeah ? " Zach shook his head slightly again , furiously blushing , " I mean no . I don 't have the time . When did you want to go out ? No , really , I don 't think I can . " Noah 's lips only stretched wider , " You don 't have a babysitter for the little guy ? " " Yes . No . " Zach took a deep breath then , " I 'm sorry , I 'm a blabbering idiot today . I mean , yes , I would like to go out with you . No , Archer isn 't a problem . The problem is that I really don 't have time . I work every night and every morning . What little time I have is reserved for Archer . " Zach would have said that Noah had never seen Archer in one of his moods , but that wasn 't true , was it ? It was Noah who 'd calmed him and watched him for the last couple of hours . " I guess that would be alright . I think . " Zach bit his lip . Noah 's gaze focused on it right away and Zach 's waning blush intensified again . " Great . Can I have your number ? I 'll keep pestering you until you 're available . If that 's alright with you ? " " Um , yeah , that would be okay . " Zach babbled out the number wishing Archer was awake so that he could use him as a shield . Not that it would have stopped the blood from rushing to his face . It took Zach 's breath away , the time seemed to have stopped and all he could see were those freckled lips coming closer , those green eyes holding him in place . He moaned before Noah 's skin touched his , and once it did there was nothing but glitter shimmering in his head . Softness and skill reminded him how long ago he 'd had his last kiss and the tongue separating his lips showed him how some of the nest things in life were simply sweet . The call came before a show , while Zach had as much make up as Noah did during his concerts - yes , he 'd finally Googled him - and every piece of clothing on him was removable with just a snap of his fingers . " Yes ? " Zach asked , breathing hard from excitement . The place was full as it usually was at the beginning of the weekend . " Can I see you this weekend ? I 'm in town and have a few hours free . " Noah 's voice still sounded as if he were seducing Zach over the line , so soft when compared to how the guy sounded on a stage . " Um , yes . I think . " Zach forced his head to focus . " Yes . Sunday would be good if you 're free . I 'm not working in the morning so Archer and me will be hanging out somewhere the whole day . " Zach grinned , liking how Noah thought of Archer first . " Great . The Memorial Park sound good ? It 's close to us so we 'll just walk . " Zach hung up and tried to recover his cool . There was no two ways about it , meeting Noah was something he was looking forward two . The man was pure energy the way he moved while singing , and his voice ? Zach wasn 't sure but it seemed likely he could come just by listening to dirty words from those lips . All his clothes were tight and everything he did seemed to be sexually charged . But one thing that Internet said was what really mattered , Noah didn 't fool around . He was a one man guy and he seemed to be falling into relationships with his whole heart . With the song ending and Dani getting off the stage , Zach had his cue and rushed forward , feeling the beat that was just his up on that stage , the heat that spurred him on and the calls that made him feel alive . It was another night when he just danced . For Archer and for himself , Zach danced because he liked it . A day in the park seemed just what Zach needed come Sunday . He had Archer in his chair , snacks in the compartment below it and a blanket in his backpack . Despite being nervous , Zach was looking forward to seeing Noah and spending an afternoon with him . He spread out everything on the blanket on the grass , got some toys out for Archer and sat him in between them . Only recently he started crawling which worried Zach , considering the little guy was already standing when he was just over six months . People said it happens , that he was ready . But crawling was good . Zach didn 't like skipping steps , he liked to be reassured that he was doing a good job in raising his boy . His hair was different , divided on the side and with much less gel in it . The shirt he worse seemed expensive but was still too casual considering his usual style , and his black jeans kicked ass with the rip at the knee . But he wouldn 't have been Noah without his boots , even in a park and Zach just loved it . Archer talked to him , babbling enthusiastically about Gabriel it seemed since that was the only word he knew how to say so far - G . It still seemed to Zach that he was screwing something up . But people said boys took their time when it came to talking . It was still scary . " So what is your other job ? You never told me . " Way to break the ice . Zach took a deep breath and decided to come clean from the start , " I 'm a stripper . I dance at a friend 's club . " " Oh . " Noah moved his head slightly back , his eyebrows doing an up and down dance . " I didn 't see that one coming . Okay . " He then grinned , " I don 't think I 've ever met a stripper . " Zach laughed , still nerveous but feeling slightly better . " I needed the money for Archer and me . I used to dance there when I was younger , or needed some cash . My friends own the club , so I can dance for half a shift . It 's the same with Adam , he lets me work only mornings . " " I can see that . Do you like dancing ? " " Oh yeah , I love it . Always have . I even love the club , and the people . But it keeps me away from Archer and if I didn 't need the money I would quit . It 's good that he sleeps most of the time that I 'm away , but I still leave him in tears every night I leave . " " Hey , hey . He 's a happy kid . Sure , he cried when I first met him , but essentially he 's a happy child . He adores you , and is naturally curious . I 'm sure he misses you , and doesn 't like to be apart from you , but there are pleanty of parents who work during the whole day and only see their kids for maybe an hour . You 're doing the best you can , and he is happy for it . " " It 's not drama . It 's your life , and I 'm interested . You can read everything about me online while I have to ask about anything I want to know . " " Fine . I was in a relationship for a long time . Austin was older than me and I honestly thought we would spend our lives together . " Zach smirked , " Yeah , everyone thinks like that when they 're in love . He was older , more experience . He said he was ready for a family . I wasn 't . I felt too young and inexperienced . But Austin wanted a family , so we found a surrogate , spent all our savings and gave our sperm . Jacking off in a bottle . It still makes me fucking laugh . By the time she was pregnant , I got excited . I felt him kick , saw the ultrasound . Archer was a living being . I don 't think I 'd ever been so excited as I was the first time I heard his heartbeat . It was bigger than life . I swear . " Zach looked up at Noah , who smiled at him , so sweetly . " Anyway , by the time he was born I couldn 't have been happier . And he was such a good child , still is . Rarely ever fusses . But Austin couldn 't do it . Said he couldn 't stand the crying , how being a father wasn 't for him . Some such bullshit . Here I am swearing again . " Zach laughed . " They pick up words so quickly . A friend of mine liked to say c - o - c - k - s - u - c - k - e - r a lot . It was her thing you know . So of course , that was the word her daughter first learned . She didn 't say mom , or dad , she said c - o - c - k . " Zach spelled the words . " So Austin left and here we are . He 's mine . Not that it 's hard to tell now , but at the time I was so angry and scared that Austin would change his mind , take him away from me . I did a test . So he 's my son . Only mine . " Zach leaned over and kissed Archer 's black hair . " That is a sad story . But then again it isn 't . You 're happy with your son . You deserve better than that j - a - c - k - a - s - s anyway . " Zach smirked at Noah 's spelling , but the words warmed him up . " So what gossip did you hear about me ? Tell me only nice things . " Noah stretched out on the blanket , Propping his head on his hand only to have Archer slap him since it was convenient . " Hitting is bad . No hitting Archer . " Noah said calmly but more serious than was his usual tone before Zach could , and took the little hand kissing the palm . " Thought so . " Zach continued , " I also watched a couple of interviews . Mostly you talking about your family , relationships . I liked what you had to say . Everyone talks nicely about you . That can 't be an easy thing to accomplish when you 're so famous and every money hungry individual is gunning for your blood . " " Yeah , they are . Not a lot of people see that . I 've had my moments with the paparazzi and obsessed fans . But that stuff got buried away I think . I have a lot of fan support and they don 't like to spread the negative stuff around . But it 's hard at times . Like today . I would like to stay with you much longer , but people will notice me eventually , and once they do it 's only a matter of time before cameras are in our faces . " Noah looked around , as if expecting someone to jump at him before turning back to Zach , " That interview was true by the way . I am faithful and I don 't do one night stands . It 's not even about publicity . I just don 't like taking off my clothes for strangers and sharing intimacy with someone whose name I barely know . It 's just not me . " " Me either . Not that I have a lot to brag about . It 's been a while . " Zach dropped his head , " It 's so easy to talk to you . Stuff just slips out . " " Seriously ? " " Oh , yeah . You untie my tongue , but I 'm thinking that 's the way it 's supposed to be . I like you , and I 'm desperately attracted to you . If I have the slightest chance I 'm going for it . It feels to right to let it slip by me . " Phone calls and text messages followed . Long conversations and casual moments worth mentioning , and soon Zach knew he was in love again . He thought about Noah almost as much as he did about Archer and although it took him close to a year , Zach was truly happy again . " Come on , you 've been wanting Zach to fall in love for ages . Don 't be a spoil sport now . " Isn 't that right Archer ? " He leaned down to Archer as he spoke . " That 's just great . Now I 've got tree and G . How about you teach him to say dad ? " Zach sat straight and grumbled annoyed . " It 's not my fault I 'm so amazing little kids can 't help it but idolize me . " " Stuck up … something . " Michael said , catching himself just before a curse slipped out and G chuckled at him . " He 's coming over this weekend . Can you watch Archer for a few hours ? " " Sure . We 'll pick up the little rascal , go to the beach . " Michael replied , giving Zach a glass of juice . When Noah came over that weekend , Zach had cooked . Music was playing in the background and he had on his nice clothes . He hadn 't seen Noah in a couple of weeks and couldn 't quite contain his excitement . " Thank you . That 's pretty much beautiful . " Zach held it gently , afraid of breaking it somehow . He didn 't think he ever got flowers before . Or a flower , as it were . Then Zach noticed the difference in Noah , a rock star as he 'd never seen him before . Freckles covered his whole face , they were just everywhere , and as Noah smiled Zach knew he that was it for him . Those eyes took his breath away and Noah 's confidence almost had him dropping to his knees . " Before I kiss you … No , before I start kissing you , because I don 't plan on stopping any time soon , I need you to promise me something . " Noah rubbed his stubble against Zach 's cheek , breathing against his ear . " I need you to promise me you will always keep your smile . I want you to be happy with me , let me love you , love me back . We will be together forever , the three of us , as long as I can keep that beautiful smile on your face . I don 't think I could live without it . " Noah rushed through the words , sounding almost desperate . " I promise . I promise to keep a smile . For you Noah , anything for you . " Zach choked on a cry and jumped at Noah , wrapping his legs around his waist , feeling Noah 's hands supporting him . That night Zach connected Noah 's freckles with his tongue for the first time , felt his naked body against his own and the next morning he met the grumpy version of a rock star . Noah brought glitter into Noah and Archer 's lives , but what kept on shining even after the lights went off with each show , were their smiles . The End |
Those of you who are regular users of Facebook , ( I am because it offers the best way for me to keep up with what all my family are doing ) , will know that they have introduced a feature whereby they will randomly repost whatever you happened to have posted two years ago . I don 't know why they do it , and it can be annoying , but this week it made me smile because they reposted my picture from 20th April , 2013 . I had attached the caption , " After 34 years I have finally discovered that I married an Irish Piskie ! " Yes it was our wedding anniversary , and Chris was patiently waiting for me to finish a meeting with some lady friends , so he made himself comfortable with a glass of wine , and spying him , I took this photo . ( I wish I could sit cross - legged like that ! ) . Then I played around in photoshop and added the pixie hat before posting it on Facebook . We both have some Irish blood , but Chris has more than me , and I thought he might be amused to find himself posing as a ' piskie ' . It just so happens that Virginia , who 's blog I link this to each week , also celebrated her wedding anniversary this week , and she posted her wedding photo , so I thought I should post mine too , so here we are , thirty six years ago . Chris ' dark frames glasses - the Buddy Holly look ? - are right back in fashion now . And my word , I had some hair in those days didn 't I ? I remember my friend spent all morning getting a bit of curl into the ends . It was too heavy to stay there for long , but it lasted for the afternoon . Of course it was my second marriage so it was in a registry office , and the two little fellows at the front are my two sons from my first marriage . They had no contact with their own dad , and Chris did a wonderful job of treating them just the same as the three boys we later had , and the fact that they were anything other than his sons was never mentioned . It wasn 't until we had been married for fourteen years , when I sent the boys to bed and told them to be good boys because I was cooking a special anniversary meal for me and daddy , that one of them asked what anniversary it was . So I said it was our fourteenth , and you could almost see them working it out , and then one said " Did you have Jim and Michael before you were married then ? " We had to laugh over it , because that photo had sat on our television all their lives , and they had never once thought to ask why their big brothers were there when we got married ! But I 'm glad to say , that finally knowing the facts , in no way changed the relationship between them , and they are all great friends together still . It was a very simple wedding , as we already had a family , and very little money to spare , so after the ceremony we had a very happy get - together of friends and family at home , and that night , Chris ' mum took the boys away and we went up to London and saw the musical Tommy on the stage , which is the main reason we called our first son Thomas , and we called him Tommy when he was little . One other funny little story attached to that time was provided by my younger son Michael who was nearly six at the time , and in the reception class of the local school . On the last day of the Spring term he had written in his news book " Mummy and Chris are getting married . " He obviously wasn 't very impressed with the registry office ceremony because , on the first day of the Summer term , he wrote in his book , " Mummy and Daddy got married . It only lasted five minutes " ! Well I 'm glad to say it has lasted rather longer then five minutes , so I hope you have smiled along with me as I had a little time of reminiscing . So on to what has rocked my world this week . We actually have never made a fuss about our anniversaries , and some passed almost unnoticed as we had a young family around , and Chris commuted to London every day so he was home late and tired , but maybe we will push the boat out in another four years when it is the ruby one . But this year it just so happened that we were invited out to lunch with a big group of friends , and although that was on Sunday , one day early , we made it our celebration for this year . We went to a place called El Castillo , which is a bit off the main road and up on top of a hill so there are lovely views of the surrounding countryside . It is quite a big place with seating for a good crowd , and Sunday is probably their busiest day , but they coped well . There is a lovely patio at the front where you can sit and enjoy the sunshine and the view while you have a drink . ( This photo is taken from their own website ) . But on Sunday it was lovely and sunny but rather windy so we went straight inside to our table that was in the conservatory area . We were a group of sixteen and the restaurant had laid up a big long table for us . We all ordered something different but we were all more or less served together and there was much banter and laughter , and of course , the consuming of wine . I nearly forgot to take the obligatory photo , but just in time I got this one . We got home in time to have a late siesta , and then we went down to our local for a night - cap . It turned out to be someone 's birthday . They had had a big dinner party too , and then they had a singer and they invited us to stay and listen to him . It was Jake , our favourite of the local entertainers so we stayed longer than intended , and enjoyed listening to him . I had a lovely surprise too , because we were sitting with our friends while Jake was playing and Tony disappeared for few minutes . When he returned he presented me with a big bunch of lilies . It was a ' Thank you ' for taking his wife to the hospital last week , and translating for her . It was so unexpected , and really took me by surprise . When I got home , I took them out to my outside sink to cut them down a bit , because they had very long stems , and arranged them in my largest vase . They looked lovely , even in bud . But when I came to move them I realised that they were top - heavy and likely to overturn . I had another think , and suddenly remembered my collection of jugs that live on the dresser in the dining room . I fetched the largest one which has a fat base so it held plenty of water and was heavy enough to be stable . They looked very comfortable in that and during the week they have gradually opened , and now look even more beautiful . And there are still enough in bud for them to last for a second week too . I suggested that Tony 's wife , Eileen might like to come to the new choir I am in , as she is a great singer , so she has been twice now . She came round on Tuesday and I was able to download all the music for her , and print it off , as she does not have a printer . We are all enjoying the new style of the choir , and are even managing to sing a couple of songs without our books - something we never did achieve in Cantante . It is still a bit scary at times . We are a small group so there is nowhere to hide , and we have to make sure we practise at home to keep up with everyone else . Dave has provided us with very good practice files on the computer , to sing along to , which helps a lot . I have been fitting in a bit of sewing / knitting / crochet this week , depending which mood I am in . It is all for my Africa project . Several folk at the Wednesday craft group find that they keep making mistakes in their knitting because they are busy chatting to everyone - which is what it is all about really - so they sit and knit squares for me as they don 't need too much concentration . As a result , I come home most weeks with three or four squares to add to my collection . All of a sudden I found I had a whole crate of them in the garage and I thought it was about time I stitched some together . Although we aim to make them all six inches square , they do come to me in assorted sizes , so I picked out 36 that looked around the same size and stitched them together . Then I found some dark green wool and crocheted round the edge . It doesn 't seem to matter what colour they are , and many of them are two or three colours as people use up all their odds and ends of wool , but they always make up into a lovely bright blanket that will be highly prized by an African mum . I must try to get some more of them put together soon , before I make up my next consignment for transporting to UK . One of my friends had her sister over on holiday for a couple of weeks and she wanted something to do while she was here , so she took 72 squares away and the day before she went home , she gave me two more blankets all stitched up . I just have to go round them with a crocheted border which doesn 't take me long to do . Wasn 't that kind of her ? a parcel of wool that had just arrived . I had a pattern for a crocheted blanket that was made all in one piece , and I thought this variegated wool would be just the thing to introduce plenty of colour , without me having loads of ends to sew in when it was finished . I still have a few ends of course , but the blanket only took about three and a half balls so there are not too many of them . I ordered ten balls , so now I will have to think of other things to make with the rest . This is the finished blanket and I am really pleased with the way it turned out . I bought the ball of dark blue wool when I was out shopping this morning . I thought it was a good colour to go around the edge with to finish it off . As you can probably see , this was started in one corner and worked diagonally until the side measured one metre , and then decreased back in until I reached the far corner . I was pleased with how square it stayed . The last time I worked a small diagonal square , it turned out a very odd shape ! For anyone interested , this was worked in small blocks of three chain and three trebles , with one extra block being added , or taken away , on each row . I have added a small close - up so those of you who crochet , can probably see what I mean . Last week someone commented that there were no sunsets again . This is because there has been very little sun , and the days it has come out to play , it has clouded over before sunset time . Today it has been lovely and warm , and quite sunny all day , but I have just been out to feed the dogs and it is really misty now . The lovely hills below the village are completely hidden . You wouldn 't know they were there . So there is no sunset again today . However , when I came out from choir practice on Wednesday there were some streaks of colour in the sky . Of course I didn 't have my camera with me , so I had to use my phone , and I am not all that pleased with the picture , but as it is the best I have managed for weeks now , I will post it to end with for this week . The first rose of summer has bloomed in my garden . We could be forgiven for thinking that Summer is cancelled this year as the weather we have been having is just not what we expect for mid - April . In fact this is the second rose for us . The first one opened beautifully on Tuesday but it was battered by the rain on Wednesday and no longer looks it 's best , but as it fades , this one is ready to take its place . Wednesday being my day to rush around from one place to another , it would have been nice to have had some sunshine . Instead it was the wettest day of the year ( so far ! ) with torrential rain all day , and just as I moved on from my sewing group to my house group , there was a cloud burst and I couldn 't risk driving through it , so I parked at the side of the road and ate my sandwich , until it had settled down again . But I am grateful that I arrived at my destination safely with no puddles too deep to cross . And although it was still cloudy and damp when I came out of choir practice some hours later , and I expected it to be quite dark , it stayed just light until I got home . I really don 't like driving after dark these days but my choir practice doesn 't end until 8 . 30 - 9 . 00 and I am just grateful if I can do the first complicated bit of driving , and get down to the autovia before the dark sets in . But every week it is a little bit lighter . Another sign that summer really is on the way . Yesterday and today have been better , with some sun shine from late morning until tea time . And when it does show it 's face , it is really warm . Yesterday we were sitting out at the back of the house , drinking our tea . The patio at the back is a real suntrap , and later in the year it will be too hot to sit there , but right now it is perfect . Under the benches we have two rolls of wire mesh that used to run along the fence when the dogs were smaller and could get between the railings , but it is no longer needed for that , and we just rolled it up to store it . Between the layers of mesh I saw that we had a little visitor . He is known as a humbug lizard , presumabley because of the stripes that run down his body . He is actually bigger than the ones we usually see . Luna is good at catching them and brings them in to me . How kind ! ! Paco is enjoying the warmth and is snoozing in the sun , quite oblivious to the little friend above him . I wasn 't sure whether the lizard was caught on the wire so I decided to release him - warily I might add because these can bite , and if they get their teeth into your finger , they don 't let go very willingly . The voice of experience ! But as soon as I parted the layers of wire , he shot off too fast for me to keep tracks on him . Today I took my friend to the hospital for some lazer treatment to her eye . I was happy to be able to help her . I didn 't really need to do much translating for her , but she did need me to be the driver on the way home . Because the weather was so poor earlier in the week , I spent a bit more time than usual in my craft room , and I actually made a start on a scrapbook about our holiday in Ireland - October 2012 ! ! Every time I see the photo files on my computer , I think I must do it before I forget what it was all about . It was a significant holiday for us for several reasons . It was our first holiday when we weren 't seeking the sun . We get our share of that now so we can afford to go somewhere cooler , and wetter , for our holiday . We were searching for family though we had no idea whether we would find any , but we did , and quite a few of them too . We also wanted to see some of the landmarks that are so familiar to us through the words of the Irish songs we both like to listen to , and we saw lots of them too . Fortunately I nearly always keep a diary when we are away , partly so that I can make sense of the photos when I get back home , and I do have one for these two weeks , so I think our Irish journey of discovery really deserves its own scrapbook . So here is page one . Hopefully I will be able to show you others in the coming weeks . It will be a hybrid book which means that most of it will be done on the computer , but I will be adding other elements and bits of memorabilia to some of the pages . I have sorted the photos and made a plan - I actually like to be quite methodical when I scrap - and there will be around 42 pages . That 's for now anyway . There could be more . I always have such trouble deciding which pictures to leave out . I want to use them all . Since the holiday I have bought several digi scrapbook kits with an Irish theme , often released around Saint Patrick 's Day . I visit several digi sites regularly and am often tempted by the pretty kits I see . Yesterday I bought a couple of Christmas kits and I used one of them to make a Christmas card . You can see the details of how it was done on my other blog . We have sparrows nesting all around us and every day now the air is filled with the sound of their chattering , and the babies screaming for food ! Further up in the village they have hundreds of house martins . You can see their little mud nests in all the porches and under the eaves , and if you walk up early in the morning , the newly fledged babies are all strung out along the wires . Most of the village cables are still strung overhead , so there is no shortage of perching space . A couple of years back I took this photo of them . They look so sweet all lined up . While friends and family in UK have been enjoying some lovely weather , well timed as the children were still off school for their Easter break , we have sunk back into cold and sometimes wet days . Our friends with log burners to warm their houses are all complaining that they have come to the end of their log stacks , and they don 't want to buy more this year , so they are struggling to keep warm . When I went out to see why the dogs were barking yesterday , I found two young folk picking up dead - wood from the green zone behind us . I was quite glad because it looks a lot tidier now , and at least they will have had a fire to sit around last night . And our gas fire has been on a couple of evening this week , so I am thankful that we are able to be comfortably warm too . I was very grateful when the sun came back today ! It was warm all day and I was able to do three loads of washing and get it all dry on the line outside . I had a lot of extra things to wash , like bed linen and towels , after our visitors , and I have no - where indoors to hang large items , so I had to wait for a fine day to get it all done . The weather has helped the garden and now it is warmer there are lots of plants starting to grow again . We have a potato tree in a pot in front of the house , and although it is a rather weak looking plant with thin spindley branches , it is again covered in purple flowers . They are only tiny but very pretty . I also have just one flower on my Easter lily , and it is only one week late too . It has not flowered for a couple of years and I suspect it is becoming pot - bound so maybe I will separate it this year and see if it does better next year . But one flower is better than none at all isn 't it ? You can see , on the steps , just along side of it , my pansies are still looking lovely . They have been flowering for months now . I need a dead - heading session . I remember , when I grew these in my little patch of garden as a child , my dad telling me to take off the dead heads every day and then they would keep producing more flowers , instead of putting all their efforts into making seeds . I got my love of the garden from him I am sure , and he taught me lots about looking after them . You will know by now that when the council dug up our road , and all the trees that grew alongside it , they then relaid it with bricks , and put trees in big planters at intervals all the way up through the village . At Christmas they planted poinsettias all around them , but they are very exposed to the cold winds , and they were all dead a while ago . Well this week they have been replaced with small chrysanthemums , and they look very pretty . I have a fairly steady week now except for Wednesdays when I go out to my sewing group in the morning , straight on to my home group in the afternoon , and then straight on to choir practice in the evenings . This doesn 't give me much opportunity for food , and being a diabetic it is important that I eat something mid - day when I take my medication , so I take a packed lunch with me and stop somewhere on the way to my house group to eat it . This week it was a grey and windy day but I stopped off for a my ten minute break at Palomares beach . And I am so glad I did . The sea was wild with big waves churning up the sand , and crashing on the shore . I only had my phone with me but I wanted to take a photo , and the wind was so strong I needed two hands to open the car door ! But I got my photo and I just stood there for a few minutes marveling at the power of nature . Then a flock of little birds swooped past me , staying near the ground , but heading straight into the wind . They are so small , yet so strong . One of the questions we considered at our house group was " When do we feel closest to God ? " . My answer was when I am alone with nature and I am filled with wonder at His creation . On the beach was one such moment . My friend Eileen has been away on holiday and she came back yesterday , so today I went to visit her and we had a lovely afternoon together , just chatting and enjoying one another 's company . All the time I could hear a noise outside that I couldn 't quite identify so I asked her what it was and she said , " Come and see " . She took me out to her swimming pool which is a bit green and murky right now . ( Many folk do not do anything to their pool over the winter , as it is quite expensive and time - consuming to maintain it when it not is use ) . And there , in her pool , were at least a dozen toads ! They were busy doing what all creature tend to do at this time of year , and making a lot of noise and fuss about it too . These two were hanging onto the hoover tubing , but others were on the steps , under the water , and everywhere else I looked too . I would have been less surprised had they been frogs , but they were definitely toads - warts and all ! There is an agricultural reservoir just outside their grounds and apparently they hop over from there to mate , and then they just disappear again . Because they rent their property , their land - lord will be coming in soon to clean their pool ready for the summer , so Tony is going to go out with a net and fish all the toads out and put them back over the wall before he comes . This made me smile . It is a photo that my grand - daughter posted of her baby Alfie with his big brother Isaac . She captioned it with " These two really are the best of friends already " , It is such a lovely photo of them , and I am really looking forward to meeting them in July . With a bit more time at home I have managed to do some crafting this week . I was very excited when a parcel arrived with some new stamps and dies that I had ordered from a sale . They were very real bargains with each set being marked down from 26 . 69 € to 6 . 67 € . So I had to try them out and I made two birthday cards and then a set of seven Christmas cards . That 's a very productive week for me ! This is just some of the Easter cupcakes I made this morning , ready for our village Gallarte Arts and Crafts show . I used to make these every year for my boys , and with the children in my nursery . They are something a bit different for the Spanish folk . Being a catholic country , they put the emphasis on the real story of Easter throughout Semana Santa ( Holy week ) , and give little fuss to the signs of Spring . We hardly get any of those anyway , as we seem to jump from Winter straight into Summer most years . But last year , when I was visiting UK , I picked up a couple of boxes of the fluffy chicks , so I thought I might as well use them . They make me smile because they bring back many happy memories . I shall link this up with Annie 's Friday Smiles in a minute . Do visit Annie if you have a few minutes to spare . This week she also gave me some happy memories to smile about , because she showed some photos ( especially for me ) of the roads lined with nodding daffodils . I used to live very near where she is , so this is something I remember and it always gave me joy to see them . It has been a good week weather - wise and has indeed felt like summer most days . It even went up to the mid - thirties around lunch time . My son Jonathan and his partner Ella , were very happy that the rain soon went and they had some lovely sunny days . One day they went down to the beach and came back ' cooked ' despite raiding my store of sun - cream before they went out . On Thursday evening we sat out on the porch , with drinks and nibbles , and just chatted all evening and it was the first time I have stayed outside until bed - time without needing to put on a cardigan . ( Probably the two ' lobsters ' were radiating enough heat to keep me warm ! ) . I like this time of year best of all , because it is summer dress weather but not so hot that you can 't get motivated to do anything . Kim has had rather a lot of fuss and attention from our visitors . They love all the dogs but this was their first time here since we have had Kim , and they loved his softy nature which is at odds with his size ! So that night we tried to make extra fuss of the other two . We gave them a good brush which also means treats , as I have always given them a few special biscuits if they have let me groom them . Then they posed to have their photos taken . So here is Foxy , the smallest of the three . She obviously has some husky in her genes , but goodness knows what else she is . She does have very startling blue eyes . And here is Miki , our loveable clown . She is looking quite tidy after the hair brushing session , but it will only last for about ten minutes . She is a dopey dog but you can 't help loving her . She will be going to the groomer for an all - over shave soon , but I will try to make her wait until next month so it stays shorter for the hottest months of the summer . Ella is a vegetarian , which is a very foreign idea to the Spanish , so it is not easy to find anything on a menu for her , and we tend to eat at home most days , but on Friday they wanted to take us out for a meal and Jonathan , who is happy to eat vegetarian when he is at home , decided he wanted a steak . I asked around and was recommended to try a restaurant in Turre that we have never been to before , so we gave it a try , and we had an excellent meal . And even better , instead of offering Ella a plain omelette , which is what usually happens , they actually had a vegetarian menu so she was able to choose what she would have . Monday was their last day , so we said we would take them out for a menu del día at one of our favourite haunts - La Frontera , the little restaurant on the sea front near San Juan , that I have shown on here many times before . We had a lovely lunch and although it was a bit windy , it was still nice and warm . On the way back to the car I took this photo of them . It is the only time I caught them on camera together all week . It would have been better without the sun glasses , but it was so bright , he just squinted at me when he took them off . ( By the way , this is the son who had an operation to repair his damaged nose in January , and it is looking so much straighter now ) . The dogs are all a bit scared of the water though we don 't know why . Most dogs love it . But as soon as Jonathan went near the pool , they retreated as far away as they could , and sat with Ella , in the hope she would protect them . It was nice to have some young company for a week , but sadly we had to take them to the airport early on Tuesday morning . Their plane was delayed for three hours because of 50 mile an hour cross - winds at Manchester , but they eventually got home , after what Jonathan described as the ' worst landing I have ever known ' ! I am glad I wasn 't travelling with them ! We spent the rest of Tuesday clearing up , getting the first load of washing done , and catching up on the sleep we lost to get them to the airport so early ! Then on Wednesday I went to my usual sewing group in the morning , my house group in the afternoon , and in the evening I went to try out at a new choir . I really enjoyed my time with Cantante , but that has almost come to an end now , and with my change to a new church I did not want to continue visiting the old one where the choir met for practices . So a friend asked me to go to the new one and I really enjoyed it . It is quite different from what I am used to , but that is a good thing really , and they are learning some lovely pieces . The leader says he is going to do a one : one vocal test with each of us soon and that thought terrifies me , but I am one of only three altos , so we would have to be really bad to be asked to leave ! I 'm counting on that anyway ! And that brings us to yesterday . My , how the weeks fly by . Yesterday was special as some friends had invited us to go on a coach trip with them to a village called Cuevas del Campo , which is on the far side of the beautiful Lake Negratin near Baza . There they re - enact a Passion Play on Good Friday , and on Thursday there is a full dress rehersal which we went to . The lady who organised it , used to live in that village , and she said that on the Friday it is so crowded that you can 't move , or see anything properly , so it was better to go on the Thursday . It was very impressive , and emotional to watch . It didn 't matter that it was all in Spanish because we knew what was happening anyway . Even if you were not a Christian you could not help but be moved as the acting was so believable , and as I am a Christian and do believe in the Crucifixion and Resurrection , I found it a very moving experience . The photo I have used here shows Jesus releasing a dove of Peace to symbolise His return to life , which is how they ended their play . Because I know it will not interest all of you , but some , and especially some of my family who follow this blog , will want to see more , I will post the rest of the photos at the end of this blog . But before I move on , I will just show you these . Two , newly fledged swallow babies , sat on the wires above us and watched the scene unfolding up on the hill . They were probably wondering where all the extra people had come from . We have taken visitors to see Lake Negratin several times , but only to the near side of it where there are hot water springs to bathe in , and a small man - made beach . We have never been round to the other side before , so I tried to take some photos as we drove over the dam at the end of the lake . There are some reflections in the sky because I was taking them through the window of a moving coach , but I was still quite pleased with them . It is such a beautiful , serene place . As soon as the play had finished we went back to our coach and drove down and across the end of the lake again to a lovely restaurant where there was a meal waiting for us . It was such a nice place . The staff were so friendly and helpful , and the food was excellent . I tried to take some photos looking away from the Lake as we crossed the dam on our way home , but the lighting was all wrong and I got too many window reflections , but I did manage to get this one shot . I just love the layers of misty mountains in sharp contrast to the green of fields near us . Again there is some movement in the foreground , but I still thinks it works . This man is weaving grasses ( esparto work ) , which would have made their sandals . Jesus falls the second time and a woman runs out to help Him . She is openly crying as were many of us onlookers too . Jesus falls the third time , and his mother tries to help Him . Joseph of Arimathea , claims the body of Jesus for burial . Jesus releases a dove as a sign that although He died , three days later He rose again . Hallelulia ! I now live permanently in Los Gallardos , a small village in Andalucia , Southern Spain with my husband Chris . It was hard to leave five sons , their partners , and seven grand - children back at home , but we hope they will all come to visit us when they can . The exciting news is that I now have a great - grandson as well . |
Those of you who are regular users of Facebook , ( I am because it offers the best way for me to keep up with what all my family are doing ) , will know that they have introduced a feature whereby they will randomly repost whatever you happened to have posted two years ago . I don 't know why they do it , and it can be annoying , but this week it made me smile because they reposted my picture from 20th April , 2013 . I had attached the caption , " After 34 years I have finally discovered that I married an Irish Piskie ! " Yes it was our wedding anniversary , and Chris was patiently waiting for me to finish a meeting with some lady friends , so he made himself comfortable with a glass of wine , and spying him , I took this photo . ( I wish I could sit cross - legged like that ! ) . Then I played around in photoshop and added the pixie hat before posting it on Facebook . We both have some Irish blood , but Chris has more than me , and I thought he might be amused to find himself posing as a ' piskie ' . It just so happens that Virginia , who 's blog I link this to each week , also celebrated her wedding anniversary this week , and she posted her wedding photo , so I thought I should post mine too , so here we are , thirty six years ago . Chris ' dark frames glasses - the Buddy Holly look ? - are right back in fashion now . And my word , I had some hair in those days didn 't I ? I remember my friend spent all morning getting a bit of curl into the ends . It was too heavy to stay there for long , but it lasted for the afternoon . Of course it was my second marriage so it was in a registry office , and the two little fellows at the front are my two sons from my first marriage . They had no contact with their own dad , and Chris did a wonderful job of treating them just the same as the three boys we later had , and the fact that they were anything other than his sons was never mentioned . It wasn 't until we had been married for fourteen years , when I sent the boys to bed and told them to be good boys because I was cooking a special anniversary meal for me and daddy , that one of them asked what anniversary it was . So I said it was our fourteenth , and you could almost see them working it out , and then one said " Did you have Jim and Michael before you were married then ? " We had to laugh over it , because that photo had sat on our television all their lives , and they had never once thought to ask why their big brothers were there when we got married ! But I 'm glad to say , that finally knowing the facts , in no way changed the relationship between them , and they are all great friends together still . It was a very simple wedding , as we already had a family , and very little money to spare , so after the ceremony we had a very happy get - together of friends and family at home , and that night , Chris ' mum took the boys away and we went up to London and saw the musical Tommy on the stage , which is the main reason we called our first son Thomas , and we called him Tommy when he was little . One other funny little story attached to that time was provided by my younger son Michael who was nearly six at the time , and in the reception class of the local school . On the last day of the Spring term he had written in his news book " Mummy and Chris are getting married . " He obviously wasn 't very impressed with the registry office ceremony because , on the first day of the Summer term , he wrote in his book , " Mummy and Daddy got married . It only lasted five minutes " ! Well I 'm glad to say it has lasted rather longer then five minutes , so I hope you have smiled along with me as I had a little time of reminiscing . So on to what has rocked my world this week . We actually have never made a fuss about our anniversaries , and some passed almost unnoticed as we had a young family around , and Chris commuted to London every day so he was home late and tired , but maybe we will push the boat out in another four years when it is the ruby one . But this year it just so happened that we were invited out to lunch with a big group of friends , and although that was on Sunday , one day early , we made it our celebration for this year . We went to a place called El Castillo , which is a bit off the main road and up on top of a hill so there are lovely views of the surrounding countryside . It is quite a big place with seating for a good crowd , and Sunday is probably their busiest day , but they coped well . There is a lovely patio at the front where you can sit and enjoy the sunshine and the view while you have a drink . ( This photo is taken from their own website ) . But on Sunday it was lovely and sunny but rather windy so we went straight inside to our table that was in the conservatory area . We were a group of sixteen and the restaurant had laid up a big long table for us . We all ordered something different but we were all more or less served together and there was much banter and laughter , and of course , the consuming of wine . I nearly forgot to take the obligatory photo , but just in time I got this one . We got home in time to have a late siesta , and then we went down to our local for a night - cap . It turned out to be someone 's birthday . They had had a big dinner party too , and then they had a singer and they invited us to stay and listen to him . It was Jake , our favourite of the local entertainers so we stayed longer than intended , and enjoyed listening to him . I had a lovely surprise too , because we were sitting with our friends while Jake was playing and Tony disappeared for few minutes . When he returned he presented me with a big bunch of lilies . It was a ' Thank you ' for taking his wife to the hospital last week , and translating for her . It was so unexpected , and really took me by surprise . When I got home , I took them out to my outside sink to cut them down a bit , because they had very long stems , and arranged them in my largest vase . They looked lovely , even in bud . But when I came to move them I realised that they were top - heavy and likely to overturn . I had another think , and suddenly remembered my collection of jugs that live on the dresser in the dining room . I fetched the largest one which has a fat base so it held plenty of water and was heavy enough to be stable . They looked very comfortable in that and during the week they have gradually opened , and now look even more beautiful . And there are still enough in bud for them to last for a second week too . I suggested that Tony 's wife , Eileen might like to come to the new choir I am in , as she is a great singer , so she has been twice now . She came round on Tuesday and I was able to download all the music for her , and print it off , as she does not have a printer . We are all enjoying the new style of the choir , and are even managing to sing a couple of songs without our books - something we never did achieve in Cantante . It is still a bit scary at times . We are a small group so there is nowhere to hide , and we have to make sure we practise at home to keep up with everyone else . Dave has provided us with very good practice files on the computer , to sing along to , which helps a lot . I have been fitting in a bit of sewing / knitting / crochet this week , depending which mood I am in . It is all for my Africa project . Several folk at the Wednesday craft group find that they keep making mistakes in their knitting because they are busy chatting to everyone - which is what it is all about really - so they sit and knit squares for me as they don 't need too much concentration . As a result , I come home most weeks with three or four squares to add to my collection . All of a sudden I found I had a whole crate of them in the garage and I thought it was about time I stitched some together . Although we aim to make them all six inches square , they do come to me in assorted sizes , so I picked out 36 that looked around the same size and stitched them together . Then I found some dark green wool and crocheted round the edge . It doesn 't seem to matter what colour they are , and many of them are two or three colours as people use up all their odds and ends of wool , but they always make up into a lovely bright blanket that will be highly prized by an African mum . I must try to get some more of them put together soon , before I make up my next consignment for transporting to UK . One of my friends had her sister over on holiday for a couple of weeks and she wanted something to do while she was here , so she took 72 squares away and the day before she went home , she gave me two more blankets all stitched up . I just have to go round them with a crocheted border which doesn 't take me long to do . Wasn 't that kind of her ? a parcel of wool that had just arrived . I had a pattern for a crocheted blanket that was made all in one piece , and I thought this variegated wool would be just the thing to introduce plenty of colour , without me having loads of ends to sew in when it was finished . I still have a few ends of course , but the blanket only took about three and a half balls so there are not too many of them . I ordered ten balls , so now I will have to think of other things to make with the rest . This is the finished blanket and I am really pleased with the way it turned out . I bought the ball of dark blue wool when I was out shopping this morning . I thought it was a good colour to go around the edge with to finish it off . As you can probably see , this was started in one corner and worked diagonally until the side measured one metre , and then decreased back in until I reached the far corner . I was pleased with how square it stayed . The last time I worked a small diagonal square , it turned out a very odd shape ! For anyone interested , this was worked in small blocks of three chain and three trebles , with one extra block being added , or taken away , on each row . I have added a small close - up so those of you who crochet , can probably see what I mean . Last week someone commented that there were no sunsets again . This is because there has been very little sun , and the days it has come out to play , it has clouded over before sunset time . Today it has been lovely and warm , and quite sunny all day , but I have just been out to feed the dogs and it is really misty now . The lovely hills below the village are completely hidden . You wouldn 't know they were there . So there is no sunset again today . However , when I came out from choir practice on Wednesday there were some streaks of colour in the sky . Of course I didn 't have my camera with me , so I had to use my phone , and I am not all that pleased with the picture , but as it is the best I have managed for weeks now , I will post it to end with for this week . The first rose of summer has bloomed in my garden . We could be forgiven for thinking that Summer is cancelled this year as the weather we have been having is just not what we expect for mid - April . In fact this is the second rose for us . The first one opened beautifully on Tuesday but it was battered by the rain on Wednesday and no longer looks it 's best , but as it fades , this one is ready to take its place . Wednesday being my day to rush around from one place to another , it would have been nice to have had some sunshine . Instead it was the wettest day of the year ( so far ! ) with torrential rain all day , and just as I moved on from my sewing group to my house group , there was a cloud burst and I couldn 't risk driving through it , so I parked at the side of the road and ate my sandwich , until it had settled down again . But I am grateful that I arrived at my destination safely with no puddles too deep to cross . And although it was still cloudy and damp when I came out of choir practice some hours later , and I expected it to be quite dark , it stayed just light until I got home . I really don 't like driving after dark these days but my choir practice doesn 't end until 8 . 30 - 9 . 00 and I am just grateful if I can do the first complicated bit of driving , and get down to the autovia before the dark sets in . But every week it is a little bit lighter . Another sign that summer really is on the way . Yesterday and today have been better , with some sun shine from late morning until tea time . And when it does show it 's face , it is really warm . Yesterday we were sitting out at the back of the house , drinking our tea . The patio at the back is a real suntrap , and later in the year it will be too hot to sit there , but right now it is perfect . Under the benches we have two rolls of wire mesh that used to run along the fence when the dogs were smaller and could get between the railings , but it is no longer needed for that , and we just rolled it up to store it . Between the layers of mesh I saw that we had a little visitor . He is known as a humbug lizard , presumabley because of the stripes that run down his body . He is actually bigger than the ones we usually see . Luna is good at catching them and brings them in to me . How kind ! ! Paco is enjoying the warmth and is snoozing in the sun , quite oblivious to the little friend above him . I wasn 't sure whether the lizard was caught on the wire so I decided to release him - warily I might add because these can bite , and if they get their teeth into your finger , they don 't let go very willingly . The voice of experience ! But as soon as I parted the layers of wire , he shot off too fast for me to keep tracks on him . Today I took my friend to the hospital for some lazer treatment to her eye . I was happy to be able to help her . I didn 't really need to do much translating for her , but she did need me to be the driver on the way home . Because the weather was so poor earlier in the week , I spent a bit more time than usual in my craft room , and I actually made a start on a scrapbook about our holiday in Ireland - October 2012 ! ! Every time I see the photo files on my computer , I think I must do it before I forget what it was all about . It was a significant holiday for us for several reasons . It was our first holiday when we weren 't seeking the sun . We get our share of that now so we can afford to go somewhere cooler , and wetter , for our holiday . We were searching for family though we had no idea whether we would find any , but we did , and quite a few of them too . We also wanted to see some of the landmarks that are so familiar to us through the words of the Irish songs we both like to listen to , and we saw lots of them too . Fortunately I nearly always keep a diary when we are away , partly so that I can make sense of the photos when I get back home , and I do have one for these two weeks , so I think our Irish journey of discovery really deserves its own scrapbook . So here is page one . Hopefully I will be able to show you others in the coming weeks . It will be a hybrid book which means that most of it will be done on the computer , but I will be adding other elements and bits of memorabilia to some of the pages . I have sorted the photos and made a plan - I actually like to be quite methodical when I scrap - and there will be around 42 pages . That 's for now anyway . There could be more . I always have such trouble deciding which pictures to leave out . I want to use them all . Since the holiday I have bought several digi scrapbook kits with an Irish theme , often released around Saint Patrick 's Day . I visit several digi sites regularly and am often tempted by the pretty kits I see . Yesterday I bought a couple of Christmas kits and I used one of them to make a Christmas card . You can see the details of how it was done on my other blog . We have sparrows nesting all around us and every day now the air is filled with the sound of their chattering , and the babies screaming for food ! Further up in the village they have hundreds of house martins . You can see their little mud nests in all the porches and under the eaves , and if you walk up early in the morning , the newly fledged babies are all strung out along the wires . Most of the village cables are still strung overhead , so there is no shortage of perching space . A couple of years back I took this photo of them . They look so sweet all lined up . While friends and family in UK have been enjoying some lovely weather , well timed as the children were still off school for their Easter break , we have sunk back into cold and sometimes wet days . Our friends with log burners to warm their houses are all complaining that they have come to the end of their log stacks , and they don 't want to buy more this year , so they are struggling to keep warm . When I went out to see why the dogs were barking yesterday , I found two young folk picking up dead - wood from the green zone behind us . I was quite glad because it looks a lot tidier now , and at least they will have had a fire to sit around last night . And our gas fire has been on a couple of evening this week , so I am thankful that we are able to be comfortably warm too . I was very grateful when the sun came back today ! It was warm all day and I was able to do three loads of washing and get it all dry on the line outside . I had a lot of extra things to wash , like bed linen and towels , after our visitors , and I have no - where indoors to hang large items , so I had to wait for a fine day to get it all done . The weather has helped the garden and now it is warmer there are lots of plants starting to grow again . We have a potato tree in a pot in front of the house , and although it is a rather weak looking plant with thin spindley branches , it is again covered in purple flowers . They are only tiny but very pretty . I also have just one flower on my Easter lily , and it is only one week late too . It has not flowered for a couple of years and I suspect it is becoming pot - bound so maybe I will separate it this year and see if it does better next year . But one flower is better than none at all isn 't it ? You can see , on the steps , just along side of it , my pansies are still looking lovely . They have been flowering for months now . I need a dead - heading session . I remember , when I grew these in my little patch of garden as a child , my dad telling me to take off the dead heads every day and then they would keep producing more flowers , instead of putting all their efforts into making seeds . I got my love of the garden from him I am sure , and he taught me lots about looking after them . You will know by now that when the council dug up our road , and all the trees that grew alongside it , they then relaid it with bricks , and put trees in big planters at intervals all the way up through the village . At Christmas they planted poinsettias all around them , but they are very exposed to the cold winds , and they were all dead a while ago . Well this week they have been replaced with small chrysanthemums , and they look very pretty . I have a fairly steady week now except for Wednesdays when I go out to my sewing group in the morning , straight on to my home group in the afternoon , and then straight on to choir practice in the evenings . This doesn 't give me much opportunity for food , and being a diabetic it is important that I eat something mid - day when I take my medication , so I take a packed lunch with me and stop somewhere on the way to my house group to eat it . This week it was a grey and windy day but I stopped off for a my ten minute break at Palomares beach . And I am so glad I did . The sea was wild with big waves churning up the sand , and crashing on the shore . I only had my phone with me but I wanted to take a photo , and the wind was so strong I needed two hands to open the car door ! But I got my photo and I just stood there for a few minutes marveling at the power of nature . Then a flock of little birds swooped past me , staying near the ground , but heading straight into the wind . They are so small , yet so strong . One of the questions we considered at our house group was " When do we feel closest to God ? " . My answer was when I am alone with nature and I am filled with wonder at His creation . On the beach was one such moment . My friend Eileen has been away on holiday and she came back yesterday , so today I went to visit her and we had a lovely afternoon together , just chatting and enjoying one another 's company . All the time I could hear a noise outside that I couldn 't quite identify so I asked her what it was and she said , " Come and see " . She took me out to her swimming pool which is a bit green and murky right now . ( Many folk do not do anything to their pool over the winter , as it is quite expensive and time - consuming to maintain it when it not is use ) . And there , in her pool , were at least a dozen toads ! They were busy doing what all creature tend to do at this time of year , and making a lot of noise and fuss about it too . These two were hanging onto the hoover tubing , but others were on the steps , under the water , and everywhere else I looked too . I would have been less surprised had they been frogs , but they were definitely toads - warts and all ! There is an agricultural reservoir just outside their grounds and apparently they hop over from there to mate , and then they just disappear again . Because they rent their property , their land - lord will be coming in soon to clean their pool ready for the summer , so Tony is going to go out with a net and fish all the toads out and put them back over the wall before he comes . This made me smile . It is a photo that my grand - daughter posted of her baby Alfie with his big brother Isaac . She captioned it with " These two really are the best of friends already " , It is such a lovely photo of them , and I am really looking forward to meeting them in July . With a bit more time at home I have managed to do some crafting this week . I was very excited when a parcel arrived with some new stamps and dies that I had ordered from a sale . They were very real bargains with each set being marked down from 26 . 69 € to 6 . 67 € . So I had to try them out and I made two birthday cards and then a set of seven Christmas cards . That 's a very productive week for me ! This is just some of the Easter cupcakes I made this morning , ready for our village Gallarte Arts and Crafts show . I used to make these every year for my boys , and with the children in my nursery . They are something a bit different for the Spanish folk . Being a catholic country , they put the emphasis on the real story of Easter throughout Semana Santa ( Holy week ) , and give little fuss to the signs of Spring . We hardly get any of those anyway , as we seem to jump from Winter straight into Summer most years . But last year , when I was visiting UK , I picked up a couple of boxes of the fluffy chicks , so I thought I might as well use them . They make me smile because they bring back many happy memories . I shall link this up with Annie 's Friday Smiles in a minute . Do visit Annie if you have a few minutes to spare . This week she also gave me some happy memories to smile about , because she showed some photos ( especially for me ) of the roads lined with nodding daffodils . I used to live very near where she is , so this is something I remember and it always gave me joy to see them . It has been a good week weather - wise and has indeed felt like summer most days . It even went up to the mid - thirties around lunch time . My son Jonathan and his partner Ella , were very happy that the rain soon went and they had some lovely sunny days . One day they went down to the beach and came back ' cooked ' despite raiding my store of sun - cream before they went out . On Thursday evening we sat out on the porch , with drinks and nibbles , and just chatted all evening and it was the first time I have stayed outside until bed - time without needing to put on a cardigan . ( Probably the two ' lobsters ' were radiating enough heat to keep me warm ! ) . I like this time of year best of all , because it is summer dress weather but not so hot that you can 't get motivated to do anything . Kim has had rather a lot of fuss and attention from our visitors . They love all the dogs but this was their first time here since we have had Kim , and they loved his softy nature which is at odds with his size ! So that night we tried to make extra fuss of the other two . We gave them a good brush which also means treats , as I have always given them a few special biscuits if they have let me groom them . Then they posed to have their photos taken . So here is Foxy , the smallest of the three . She obviously has some husky in her genes , but goodness knows what else she is . She does have very startling blue eyes . And here is Miki , our loveable clown . She is looking quite tidy after the hair brushing session , but it will only last for about ten minutes . She is a dopey dog but you can 't help loving her . She will be going to the groomer for an all - over shave soon , but I will try to make her wait until next month so it stays shorter for the hottest months of the summer . Ella is a vegetarian , which is a very foreign idea to the Spanish , so it is not easy to find anything on a menu for her , and we tend to eat at home most days , but on Friday they wanted to take us out for a meal and Jonathan , who is happy to eat vegetarian when he is at home , decided he wanted a steak . I asked around and was recommended to try a restaurant in Turre that we have never been to before , so we gave it a try , and we had an excellent meal . And even better , instead of offering Ella a plain omelette , which is what usually happens , they actually had a vegetarian menu so she was able to choose what she would have . Monday was their last day , so we said we would take them out for a menu del día at one of our favourite haunts - La Frontera , the little restaurant on the sea front near San Juan , that I have shown on here many times before . We had a lovely lunch and although it was a bit windy , it was still nice and warm . On the way back to the car I took this photo of them . It is the only time I caught them on camera together all week . It would have been better without the sun glasses , but it was so bright , he just squinted at me when he took them off . ( By the way , this is the son who had an operation to repair his damaged nose in January , and it is looking so much straighter now ) . The dogs are all a bit scared of the water though we don 't know why . Most dogs love it . But as soon as Jonathan went near the pool , they retreated as far away as they could , and sat with Ella , in the hope she would protect them . It was nice to have some young company for a week , but sadly we had to take them to the airport early on Tuesday morning . Their plane was delayed for three hours because of 50 mile an hour cross - winds at Manchester , but they eventually got home , after what Jonathan described as the ' worst landing I have ever known ' ! I am glad I wasn 't travelling with them ! We spent the rest of Tuesday clearing up , getting the first load of washing done , and catching up on the sleep we lost to get them to the airport so early ! Then on Wednesday I went to my usual sewing group in the morning , my house group in the afternoon , and in the evening I went to try out at a new choir . I really enjoyed my time with Cantante , but that has almost come to an end now , and with my change to a new church I did not want to continue visiting the old one where the choir met for practices . So a friend asked me to go to the new one and I really enjoyed it . It is quite different from what I am used to , but that is a good thing really , and they are learning some lovely pieces . The leader says he is going to do a one : one vocal test with each of us soon and that thought terrifies me , but I am one of only three altos , so we would have to be really bad to be asked to leave ! I 'm counting on that anyway ! And that brings us to yesterday . My , how the weeks fly by . Yesterday was special as some friends had invited us to go on a coach trip with them to a village called Cuevas del Campo , which is on the far side of the beautiful Lake Negratin near Baza . There they re - enact a Passion Play on Good Friday , and on Thursday there is a full dress rehersal which we went to . The lady who organised it , used to live in that village , and she said that on the Friday it is so crowded that you can 't move , or see anything properly , so it was better to go on the Thursday . It was very impressive , and emotional to watch . It didn 't matter that it was all in Spanish because we knew what was happening anyway . Even if you were not a Christian you could not help but be moved as the acting was so believable , and as I am a Christian and do believe in the Crucifixion and Resurrection , I found it a very moving experience . The photo I have used here shows Jesus releasing a dove of Peace to symbolise His return to life , which is how they ended their play . Because I know it will not interest all of you , but some , and especially some of my family who follow this blog , will want to see more , I will post the rest of the photos at the end of this blog . But before I move on , I will just show you these . Two , newly fledged swallow babies , sat on the wires above us and watched the scene unfolding up on the hill . They were probably wondering where all the extra people had come from . We have taken visitors to see Lake Negratin several times , but only to the near side of it where there are hot water springs to bathe in , and a small man - made beach . We have never been round to the other side before , so I tried to take some photos as we drove over the dam at the end of the lake . There are some reflections in the sky because I was taking them through the window of a moving coach , but I was still quite pleased with them . It is such a beautiful , serene place . As soon as the play had finished we went back to our coach and drove down and across the end of the lake again to a lovely restaurant where there was a meal waiting for us . It was such a nice place . The staff were so friendly and helpful , and the food was excellent . I tried to take some photos looking away from the Lake as we crossed the dam on our way home , but the lighting was all wrong and I got too many window reflections , but I did manage to get this one shot . I just love the layers of misty mountains in sharp contrast to the green of fields near us . Again there is some movement in the foreground , but I still thinks it works . This man is weaving grasses ( esparto work ) , which would have made their sandals . Jesus falls the second time and a woman runs out to help Him . She is openly crying as were many of us onlookers too . Jesus falls the third time , and his mother tries to help Him . Joseph of Arimathea , claims the body of Jesus for burial . Jesus releases a dove as a sign that although He died , three days later He rose again . Hallelulia ! I now live permanently in Los Gallardos , a small village in Andalucia , Southern Spain with my husband Chris . It was hard to leave five sons , their partners , and seven grand - children back at home , but we hope they will all come to visit us when they can . The exciting news is that I now have a great - grandson as well . |
Those of you who are regular users of Facebook , ( I am because it offers the best way for me to keep up with what all my family are doing ) , will know that they have introduced a feature whereby they will randomly repost whatever you happened to have posted two years ago . I don 't know why they do it , and it can be annoying , but this week it made me smile because they reposted my picture from 20th April , 2013 . I had attached the caption , " After 34 years I have finally discovered that I married an Irish Piskie ! " Yes it was our wedding anniversary , and Chris was patiently waiting for me to finish a meeting with some lady friends , so he made himself comfortable with a glass of wine , and spying him , I took this photo . ( I wish I could sit cross - legged like that ! ) . Then I played around in photoshop and added the pixie hat before posting it on Facebook . We both have some Irish blood , but Chris has more than me , and I thought he might be amused to find himself posing as a ' piskie ' . It just so happens that Virginia , who 's blog I link this to each week , also celebrated her wedding anniversary this week , and she posted her wedding photo , so I thought I should post mine too , so here we are , thirty six years ago . Chris ' dark frames glasses - the Buddy Holly look ? - are right back in fashion now . And my word , I had some hair in those days didn 't I ? I remember my friend spent all morning getting a bit of curl into the ends . It was too heavy to stay there for long , but it lasted for the afternoon . Of course it was my second marriage so it was in a registry office , and the two little fellows at the front are my two sons from my first marriage . They had no contact with their own dad , and Chris did a wonderful job of treating them just the same as the three boys we later had , and the fact that they were anything other than his sons was never mentioned . It wasn 't until we had been married for fourteen years , when I sent the boys to bed and told them to be good boys because I was cooking a special anniversary meal for me and daddy , that one of them asked what anniversary it was . So I said it was our fourteenth , and you could almost see them working it out , and then one said " Did you have Jim and Michael before you were married then ? " We had to laugh over it , because that photo had sat on our television all their lives , and they had never once thought to ask why their big brothers were there when we got married ! But I 'm glad to say , that finally knowing the facts , in no way changed the relationship between them , and they are all great friends together still . It was a very simple wedding , as we already had a family , and very little money to spare , so after the ceremony we had a very happy get - together of friends and family at home , and that night , Chris ' mum took the boys away and we went up to London and saw the musical Tommy on the stage , which is the main reason we called our first son Thomas , and we called him Tommy when he was little . One other funny little story attached to that time was provided by my younger son Michael who was nearly six at the time , and in the reception class of the local school . On the last day of the Spring term he had written in his news book " Mummy and Chris are getting married . " He obviously wasn 't very impressed with the registry office ceremony because , on the first day of the Summer term , he wrote in his book , " Mummy and Daddy got married . It only lasted five minutes " ! Well I 'm glad to say it has lasted rather longer then five minutes , so I hope you have smiled along with me as I had a little time of reminiscing . So on to what has rocked my world this week . We actually have never made a fuss about our anniversaries , and some passed almost unnoticed as we had a young family around , and Chris commuted to London every day so he was home late and tired , but maybe we will push the boat out in another four years when it is the ruby one . But this year it just so happened that we were invited out to lunch with a big group of friends , and although that was on Sunday , one day early , we made it our celebration for this year . We went to a place called El Castillo , which is a bit off the main road and up on top of a hill so there are lovely views of the surrounding countryside . It is quite a big place with seating for a good crowd , and Sunday is probably their busiest day , but they coped well . There is a lovely patio at the front where you can sit and enjoy the sunshine and the view while you have a drink . ( This photo is taken from their own website ) . But on Sunday it was lovely and sunny but rather windy so we went straight inside to our table that was in the conservatory area . We were a group of sixteen and the restaurant had laid up a big long table for us . We all ordered something different but we were all more or less served together and there was much banter and laughter , and of course , the consuming of wine . I nearly forgot to take the obligatory photo , but just in time I got this one . We got home in time to have a late siesta , and then we went down to our local for a night - cap . It turned out to be someone 's birthday . They had had a big dinner party too , and then they had a singer and they invited us to stay and listen to him . It was Jake , our favourite of the local entertainers so we stayed longer than intended , and enjoyed listening to him . I had a lovely surprise too , because we were sitting with our friends while Jake was playing and Tony disappeared for few minutes . When he returned he presented me with a big bunch of lilies . It was a ' Thank you ' for taking his wife to the hospital last week , and translating for her . It was so unexpected , and really took me by surprise . When I got home , I took them out to my outside sink to cut them down a bit , because they had very long stems , and arranged them in my largest vase . They looked lovely , even in bud . But when I came to move them I realised that they were top - heavy and likely to overturn . I had another think , and suddenly remembered my collection of jugs that live on the dresser in the dining room . I fetched the largest one which has a fat base so it held plenty of water and was heavy enough to be stable . They looked very comfortable in that and during the week they have gradually opened , and now look even more beautiful . And there are still enough in bud for them to last for a second week too . I suggested that Tony 's wife , Eileen might like to come to the new choir I am in , as she is a great singer , so she has been twice now . She came round on Tuesday and I was able to download all the music for her , and print it off , as she does not have a printer . We are all enjoying the new style of the choir , and are even managing to sing a couple of songs without our books - something we never did achieve in Cantante . It is still a bit scary at times . We are a small group so there is nowhere to hide , and we have to make sure we practise at home to keep up with everyone else . Dave has provided us with very good practice files on the computer , to sing along to , which helps a lot . I have been fitting in a bit of sewing / knitting / crochet this week , depending which mood I am in . It is all for my Africa project . Several folk at the Wednesday craft group find that they keep making mistakes in their knitting because they are busy chatting to everyone - which is what it is all about really - so they sit and knit squares for me as they don 't need too much concentration . As a result , I come home most weeks with three or four squares to add to my collection . All of a sudden I found I had a whole crate of them in the garage and I thought it was about time I stitched some together . Although we aim to make them all six inches square , they do come to me in assorted sizes , so I picked out 36 that looked around the same size and stitched them together . Then I found some dark green wool and crocheted round the edge . It doesn 't seem to matter what colour they are , and many of them are two or three colours as people use up all their odds and ends of wool , but they always make up into a lovely bright blanket that will be highly prized by an African mum . I must try to get some more of them put together soon , before I make up my next consignment for transporting to UK . One of my friends had her sister over on holiday for a couple of weeks and she wanted something to do while she was here , so she took 72 squares away and the day before she went home , she gave me two more blankets all stitched up . I just have to go round them with a crocheted border which doesn 't take me long to do . Wasn 't that kind of her ? a parcel of wool that had just arrived . I had a pattern for a crocheted blanket that was made all in one piece , and I thought this variegated wool would be just the thing to introduce plenty of colour , without me having loads of ends to sew in when it was finished . I still have a few ends of course , but the blanket only took about three and a half balls so there are not too many of them . I ordered ten balls , so now I will have to think of other things to make with the rest . This is the finished blanket and I am really pleased with the way it turned out . I bought the ball of dark blue wool when I was out shopping this morning . I thought it was a good colour to go around the edge with to finish it off . As you can probably see , this was started in one corner and worked diagonally until the side measured one metre , and then decreased back in until I reached the far corner . I was pleased with how square it stayed . The last time I worked a small diagonal square , it turned out a very odd shape ! For anyone interested , this was worked in small blocks of three chain and three trebles , with one extra block being added , or taken away , on each row . I have added a small close - up so those of you who crochet , can probably see what I mean . Last week someone commented that there were no sunsets again . This is because there has been very little sun , and the days it has come out to play , it has clouded over before sunset time . Today it has been lovely and warm , and quite sunny all day , but I have just been out to feed the dogs and it is really misty now . The lovely hills below the village are completely hidden . You wouldn 't know they were there . So there is no sunset again today . However , when I came out from choir practice on Wednesday there were some streaks of colour in the sky . Of course I didn 't have my camera with me , so I had to use my phone , and I am not all that pleased with the picture , but as it is the best I have managed for weeks now , I will post it to end with for this week . The first rose of summer has bloomed in my garden . We could be forgiven for thinking that Summer is cancelled this year as the weather we have been having is just not what we expect for mid - April . In fact this is the second rose for us . The first one opened beautifully on Tuesday but it was battered by the rain on Wednesday and no longer looks it 's best , but as it fades , this one is ready to take its place . Wednesday being my day to rush around from one place to another , it would have been nice to have had some sunshine . Instead it was the wettest day of the year ( so far ! ) with torrential rain all day , and just as I moved on from my sewing group to my house group , there was a cloud burst and I couldn 't risk driving through it , so I parked at the side of the road and ate my sandwich , until it had settled down again . But I am grateful that I arrived at my destination safely with no puddles too deep to cross . And although it was still cloudy and damp when I came out of choir practice some hours later , and I expected it to be quite dark , it stayed just light until I got home . I really don 't like driving after dark these days but my choir practice doesn 't end until 8 . 30 - 9 . 00 and I am just grateful if I can do the first complicated bit of driving , and get down to the autovia before the dark sets in . But every week it is a little bit lighter . Another sign that summer really is on the way . Yesterday and today have been better , with some sun shine from late morning until tea time . And when it does show it 's face , it is really warm . Yesterday we were sitting out at the back of the house , drinking our tea . The patio at the back is a real suntrap , and later in the year it will be too hot to sit there , but right now it is perfect . Under the benches we have two rolls of wire mesh that used to run along the fence when the dogs were smaller and could get between the railings , but it is no longer needed for that , and we just rolled it up to store it . Between the layers of mesh I saw that we had a little visitor . He is known as a humbug lizard , presumabley because of the stripes that run down his body . He is actually bigger than the ones we usually see . Luna is good at catching them and brings them in to me . How kind ! ! Paco is enjoying the warmth and is snoozing in the sun , quite oblivious to the little friend above him . I wasn 't sure whether the lizard was caught on the wire so I decided to release him - warily I might add because these can bite , and if they get their teeth into your finger , they don 't let go very willingly . The voice of experience ! But as soon as I parted the layers of wire , he shot off too fast for me to keep tracks on him . Today I took my friend to the hospital for some lazer treatment to her eye . I was happy to be able to help her . I didn 't really need to do much translating for her , but she did need me to be the driver on the way home . Because the weather was so poor earlier in the week , I spent a bit more time than usual in my craft room , and I actually made a start on a scrapbook about our holiday in Ireland - October 2012 ! ! Every time I see the photo files on my computer , I think I must do it before I forget what it was all about . It was a significant holiday for us for several reasons . It was our first holiday when we weren 't seeking the sun . We get our share of that now so we can afford to go somewhere cooler , and wetter , for our holiday . We were searching for family though we had no idea whether we would find any , but we did , and quite a few of them too . We also wanted to see some of the landmarks that are so familiar to us through the words of the Irish songs we both like to listen to , and we saw lots of them too . Fortunately I nearly always keep a diary when we are away , partly so that I can make sense of the photos when I get back home , and I do have one for these two weeks , so I think our Irish journey of discovery really deserves its own scrapbook . So here is page one . Hopefully I will be able to show you others in the coming weeks . It will be a hybrid book which means that most of it will be done on the computer , but I will be adding other elements and bits of memorabilia to some of the pages . I have sorted the photos and made a plan - I actually like to be quite methodical when I scrap - and there will be around 42 pages . That 's for now anyway . There could be more . I always have such trouble deciding which pictures to leave out . I want to use them all . Since the holiday I have bought several digi scrapbook kits with an Irish theme , often released around Saint Patrick 's Day . I visit several digi sites regularly and am often tempted by the pretty kits I see . Yesterday I bought a couple of Christmas kits and I used one of them to make a Christmas card . You can see the details of how it was done on my other blog . We have sparrows nesting all around us and every day now the air is filled with the sound of their chattering , and the babies screaming for food ! Further up in the village they have hundreds of house martins . You can see their little mud nests in all the porches and under the eaves , and if you walk up early in the morning , the newly fledged babies are all strung out along the wires . Most of the village cables are still strung overhead , so there is no shortage of perching space . A couple of years back I took this photo of them . They look so sweet all lined up . While friends and family in UK have been enjoying some lovely weather , well timed as the children were still off school for their Easter break , we have sunk back into cold and sometimes wet days . Our friends with log burners to warm their houses are all complaining that they have come to the end of their log stacks , and they don 't want to buy more this year , so they are struggling to keep warm . When I went out to see why the dogs were barking yesterday , I found two young folk picking up dead - wood from the green zone behind us . I was quite glad because it looks a lot tidier now , and at least they will have had a fire to sit around last night . And our gas fire has been on a couple of evening this week , so I am thankful that we are able to be comfortably warm too . I was very grateful when the sun came back today ! It was warm all day and I was able to do three loads of washing and get it all dry on the line outside . I had a lot of extra things to wash , like bed linen and towels , after our visitors , and I have no - where indoors to hang large items , so I had to wait for a fine day to get it all done . The weather has helped the garden and now it is warmer there are lots of plants starting to grow again . We have a potato tree in a pot in front of the house , and although it is a rather weak looking plant with thin spindley branches , it is again covered in purple flowers . They are only tiny but very pretty . I also have just one flower on my Easter lily , and it is only one week late too . It has not flowered for a couple of years and I suspect it is becoming pot - bound so maybe I will separate it this year and see if it does better next year . But one flower is better than none at all isn 't it ? You can see , on the steps , just along side of it , my pansies are still looking lovely . They have been flowering for months now . I need a dead - heading session . I remember , when I grew these in my little patch of garden as a child , my dad telling me to take off the dead heads every day and then they would keep producing more flowers , instead of putting all their efforts into making seeds . I got my love of the garden from him I am sure , and he taught me lots about looking after them . You will know by now that when the council dug up our road , and all the trees that grew alongside it , they then relaid it with bricks , and put trees in big planters at intervals all the way up through the village . At Christmas they planted poinsettias all around them , but they are very exposed to the cold winds , and they were all dead a while ago . Well this week they have been replaced with small chrysanthemums , and they look very pretty . I have a fairly steady week now except for Wednesdays when I go out to my sewing group in the morning , straight on to my home group in the afternoon , and then straight on to choir practice in the evenings . This doesn 't give me much opportunity for food , and being a diabetic it is important that I eat something mid - day when I take my medication , so I take a packed lunch with me and stop somewhere on the way to my house group to eat it . This week it was a grey and windy day but I stopped off for a my ten minute break at Palomares beach . And I am so glad I did . The sea was wild with big waves churning up the sand , and crashing on the shore . I only had my phone with me but I wanted to take a photo , and the wind was so strong I needed two hands to open the car door ! But I got my photo and I just stood there for a few minutes marveling at the power of nature . Then a flock of little birds swooped past me , staying near the ground , but heading straight into the wind . They are so small , yet so strong . One of the questions we considered at our house group was " When do we feel closest to God ? " . My answer was when I am alone with nature and I am filled with wonder at His creation . On the beach was one such moment . My friend Eileen has been away on holiday and she came back yesterday , so today I went to visit her and we had a lovely afternoon together , just chatting and enjoying one another 's company . All the time I could hear a noise outside that I couldn 't quite identify so I asked her what it was and she said , " Come and see " . She took me out to her swimming pool which is a bit green and murky right now . ( Many folk do not do anything to their pool over the winter , as it is quite expensive and time - consuming to maintain it when it not is use ) . And there , in her pool , were at least a dozen toads ! They were busy doing what all creature tend to do at this time of year , and making a lot of noise and fuss about it too . These two were hanging onto the hoover tubing , but others were on the steps , under the water , and everywhere else I looked too . I would have been less surprised had they been frogs , but they were definitely toads - warts and all ! There is an agricultural reservoir just outside their grounds and apparently they hop over from there to mate , and then they just disappear again . Because they rent their property , their land - lord will be coming in soon to clean their pool ready for the summer , so Tony is going to go out with a net and fish all the toads out and put them back over the wall before he comes . This made me smile . It is a photo that my grand - daughter posted of her baby Alfie with his big brother Isaac . She captioned it with " These two really are the best of friends already " , It is such a lovely photo of them , and I am really looking forward to meeting them in July . With a bit more time at home I have managed to do some crafting this week . I was very excited when a parcel arrived with some new stamps and dies that I had ordered from a sale . They were very real bargains with each set being marked down from 26 . 69 € to 6 . 67 € . So I had to try them out and I made two birthday cards and then a set of seven Christmas cards . That 's a very productive week for me ! This is just some of the Easter cupcakes I made this morning , ready for our village Gallarte Arts and Crafts show . I used to make these every year for my boys , and with the children in my nursery . They are something a bit different for the Spanish folk . Being a catholic country , they put the emphasis on the real story of Easter throughout Semana Santa ( Holy week ) , and give little fuss to the signs of Spring . We hardly get any of those anyway , as we seem to jump from Winter straight into Summer most years . But last year , when I was visiting UK , I picked up a couple of boxes of the fluffy chicks , so I thought I might as well use them . They make me smile because they bring back many happy memories . I shall link this up with Annie 's Friday Smiles in a minute . Do visit Annie if you have a few minutes to spare . This week she also gave me some happy memories to smile about , because she showed some photos ( especially for me ) of the roads lined with nodding daffodils . I used to live very near where she is , so this is something I remember and it always gave me joy to see them . It has been a good week weather - wise and has indeed felt like summer most days . It even went up to the mid - thirties around lunch time . My son Jonathan and his partner Ella , were very happy that the rain soon went and they had some lovely sunny days . One day they went down to the beach and came back ' cooked ' despite raiding my store of sun - cream before they went out . On Thursday evening we sat out on the porch , with drinks and nibbles , and just chatted all evening and it was the first time I have stayed outside until bed - time without needing to put on a cardigan . ( Probably the two ' lobsters ' were radiating enough heat to keep me warm ! ) . I like this time of year best of all , because it is summer dress weather but not so hot that you can 't get motivated to do anything . Kim has had rather a lot of fuss and attention from our visitors . They love all the dogs but this was their first time here since we have had Kim , and they loved his softy nature which is at odds with his size ! So that night we tried to make extra fuss of the other two . We gave them a good brush which also means treats , as I have always given them a few special biscuits if they have let me groom them . Then they posed to have their photos taken . So here is Foxy , the smallest of the three . She obviously has some husky in her genes , but goodness knows what else she is . She does have very startling blue eyes . And here is Miki , our loveable clown . She is looking quite tidy after the hair brushing session , but it will only last for about ten minutes . She is a dopey dog but you can 't help loving her . She will be going to the groomer for an all - over shave soon , but I will try to make her wait until next month so it stays shorter for the hottest months of the summer . Ella is a vegetarian , which is a very foreign idea to the Spanish , so it is not easy to find anything on a menu for her , and we tend to eat at home most days , but on Friday they wanted to take us out for a meal and Jonathan , who is happy to eat vegetarian when he is at home , decided he wanted a steak . I asked around and was recommended to try a restaurant in Turre that we have never been to before , so we gave it a try , and we had an excellent meal . And even better , instead of offering Ella a plain omelette , which is what usually happens , they actually had a vegetarian menu so she was able to choose what she would have . Monday was their last day , so we said we would take them out for a menu del día at one of our favourite haunts - La Frontera , the little restaurant on the sea front near San Juan , that I have shown on here many times before . We had a lovely lunch and although it was a bit windy , it was still nice and warm . On the way back to the car I took this photo of them . It is the only time I caught them on camera together all week . It would have been better without the sun glasses , but it was so bright , he just squinted at me when he took them off . ( By the way , this is the son who had an operation to repair his damaged nose in January , and it is looking so much straighter now ) . The dogs are all a bit scared of the water though we don 't know why . Most dogs love it . But as soon as Jonathan went near the pool , they retreated as far away as they could , and sat with Ella , in the hope she would protect them . It was nice to have some young company for a week , but sadly we had to take them to the airport early on Tuesday morning . Their plane was delayed for three hours because of 50 mile an hour cross - winds at Manchester , but they eventually got home , after what Jonathan described as the ' worst landing I have ever known ' ! I am glad I wasn 't travelling with them ! We spent the rest of Tuesday clearing up , getting the first load of washing done , and catching up on the sleep we lost to get them to the airport so early ! Then on Wednesday I went to my usual sewing group in the morning , my house group in the afternoon , and in the evening I went to try out at a new choir . I really enjoyed my time with Cantante , but that has almost come to an end now , and with my change to a new church I did not want to continue visiting the old one where the choir met for practices . So a friend asked me to go to the new one and I really enjoyed it . It is quite different from what I am used to , but that is a good thing really , and they are learning some lovely pieces . The leader says he is going to do a one : one vocal test with each of us soon and that thought terrifies me , but I am one of only three altos , so we would have to be really bad to be asked to leave ! I 'm counting on that anyway ! And that brings us to yesterday . My , how the weeks fly by . Yesterday was special as some friends had invited us to go on a coach trip with them to a village called Cuevas del Campo , which is on the far side of the beautiful Lake Negratin near Baza . There they re - enact a Passion Play on Good Friday , and on Thursday there is a full dress rehersal which we went to . The lady who organised it , used to live in that village , and she said that on the Friday it is so crowded that you can 't move , or see anything properly , so it was better to go on the Thursday . It was very impressive , and emotional to watch . It didn 't matter that it was all in Spanish because we knew what was happening anyway . Even if you were not a Christian you could not help but be moved as the acting was so believable , and as I am a Christian and do believe in the Crucifixion and Resurrection , I found it a very moving experience . The photo I have used here shows Jesus releasing a dove of Peace to symbolise His return to life , which is how they ended their play . Because I know it will not interest all of you , but some , and especially some of my family who follow this blog , will want to see more , I will post the rest of the photos at the end of this blog . But before I move on , I will just show you these . Two , newly fledged swallow babies , sat on the wires above us and watched the scene unfolding up on the hill . They were probably wondering where all the extra people had come from . We have taken visitors to see Lake Negratin several times , but only to the near side of it where there are hot water springs to bathe in , and a small man - made beach . We have never been round to the other side before , so I tried to take some photos as we drove over the dam at the end of the lake . There are some reflections in the sky because I was taking them through the window of a moving coach , but I was still quite pleased with them . It is such a beautiful , serene place . As soon as the play had finished we went back to our coach and drove down and across the end of the lake again to a lovely restaurant where there was a meal waiting for us . It was such a nice place . The staff were so friendly and helpful , and the food was excellent . I tried to take some photos looking away from the Lake as we crossed the dam on our way home , but the lighting was all wrong and I got too many window reflections , but I did manage to get this one shot . I just love the layers of misty mountains in sharp contrast to the green of fields near us . Again there is some movement in the foreground , but I still thinks it works . This man is weaving grasses ( esparto work ) , which would have made their sandals . Jesus falls the second time and a woman runs out to help Him . She is openly crying as were many of us onlookers too . Jesus falls the third time , and his mother tries to help Him . Joseph of Arimathea , claims the body of Jesus for burial . Jesus releases a dove as a sign that although He died , three days later He rose again . Hallelulia ! I now live permanently in Los Gallardos , a small village in Andalucia , Southern Spain with my husband Chris . It was hard to leave five sons , their partners , and seven grand - children back at home , but we hope they will all come to visit us when they can . The exciting news is that I now have a great - grandson as well . |
4 Comments » We 've had the list of items that my son , Eddie , would need for daycare for about two - and - a - half months , and yet it wasn 't until 25 minutes before his first day that I decided to see whether we had everything we needed . Of course , we did not . I jumped into my car and raced over to our local drug store to buy two rolls of paper towels , two boxes of tissues , two boxes of baby wipes , a box of diapers and two green gummy pacifiers ( appropriately called " soothies " ) . I also bought a package of sticky labels because I was told everything we bring in to the classroom must have his name on it . While I shopped , my husband , Bruce , made Eddie oatmeal and put in brown sugar , raisins , bananas and honey , leaving a sticky mess all over the kitchen table . As soon as I got home , I dumped everything I 'd bought out onto the table . I spent the next three minutes wiping all of the items down with a warm sponge , to remove the honey . Ten minutes left until we had to leave . He wanted to wear the vest . With a Sharpie pen in hand , I quickly labeled everything , from Eddie 's sandwich to his slacks . I considered labeling the banana but thought it would appear like I was mocking . Bruce then wiped Eddie 's face , threw a sweatshirt on him - he insisted on wearing the orange down vest that was hanging next to it - and we ran out the door with five minutes to spare . " Okay . Don 't answer , " I said . Bruce frequently fails to answer my questions . Sometimes , it 's because he forgets to , or the words float off into space right by his ears but fail to go inside them . And then sometimes it 's because he simply didn 't hear me . At this point , the reason no longer matters . It just bugs me . We headed over to St . Paul 's , where Eddie 's daycare is located , and as we arrived , the church bells were clanging as all the parents and children converged on the building . I felt like I was in Whoville . They arrived in their carts and their carriages to the square , they arrived in a hurry , to get to day care . We took Eddie out of his stroller and opened the door to the building . Eddie walked in first and descended the stairs , backwards on all fours like he 's climbing down a ladder , just as we 'd taught him to do . I could feel the tears welling up inside me . Get a grip , I thought . Be strong . I feared for him . He 's not going to want to see us leave . I also felt sad for me . He was already growing up so quickly . But I needed to be strong . I feared if I began to cry , Eddie would cry , and I wanted him to be able to handle this new situation . He was probably on the edge as it was . I didn 't want to add to it . As soon as Eddie hit the floor at the bottom of the steps , he was off . He walked down the hallway a few lengths ahead of us , took a right , then a left , and stood outside the classroom door waiting for us to open the gate that was obstructing him from entering . He had remembered where the room was from orientation day . I showed him how to open the gate by pressing down on the metal pole with your finger . I was wrong on two counts : Don 't show your child how to open the gate to the classroom . That 's like showing the animals at the zoo where the keys to their cages are located . And that wasn 't even how one opens the gate . He wanted in . I did . The gate opened , and Eddie marched right in , his arms swaying like W . C . Fields . He surveyed the room , doing some quick mental calculus about which toys he liked best and whether there was anything there he hadn 't yet seen . Most importantly , he was trying to figure out which toy he wanted to play with first . I went over to one of the teachers and said , " Here are our bags . I labeled everything , like you wanted . " I think I expected a pat on the head . " Where should I put these ? " I asked . " And when I give him fruit , do you want me to cut it up or can I put something like a kiwi in his lunch bag , and you would cut it ? Oh , and I wasn 't sure if you had a refrigerator . Can I give him a yoghurt ? Today , it 's in this little cooler with an ice pack , but should I always bring it like this or do you have a refrigerator ? And I lost my sheet with your phone number . Can I have another one ? " Bruce and I slid out the door and disappeared around the wall so Eddie couldn 't see us . We feared he would get upset if he saw us leave . We 'd already seen another child crying in the hallway as we walked in and feared the kid 's tears would be contagious . Keeping our bodies behind the wall , Bruce and I peaked our heads in the doorway to see how Eddie was faring . He was happily playing with the trains with the boy next to him . Just then , he looked up and seemed to spot us . We quickly hid our heads behind the wall . We then ran down the hallway to get to a doorway on the other side of the nursery so we could take one last peak . Eddie and the other boy were now trying to fit two trains together . Empty nesters . " Don 't worry about Eddie . He 's a great kid . He 's the best kid in there , " Bruce said . " Best in Show . " In general , I 've been surprised at how selfish children are . I guess I imagined with all the talk of how " We 're all born good , " with a clean slate , I thought children might be kind and giving because they hadn 't yet learned to be greedy and Machiavellian . No chance . They 're as cut - throat as diamond dealers and guard their belongings like a mother bird guards a nest . If you touch their stuff , they would stab you , if Playskool made sharper knives . I may not look like I 'm playing with these , but I am . Just yesterday , we went to a festival with Eddie 's friend , Gavin , and Eddie kept wanting to pull Gavin 's wagon . Gavin was having none of it . Finally , Gavin 's mother stepped in and forced her son to allow Eddie to pull the wagon for a bit . But like all acts of kindness that are mandated rather than elicited naturally , the second Gavin 's mother turned around , the boy pushed Eddie out of the way . Eddie cried and Gavin 's mother made the two boys hug and make up . Something similar had happened during the winter , only that time the object in question belonged to Eddie . Gavin wanted to push Eddie 's stroller , and he pushed Eddie out of the way in order to achieve that goal . On the way home from the festival , I told Bruce I didn 't know if I wanted Eddie playing with Gavin anymore . I don 't want someone pushing my child . Ever . Why ? Aside from never wanting to see him hurt or upset , I don 't want my child learning bad habits . Right now , he 's giving and kind and generous , and I didn 't want anyone tampering with that . At least I thought he was giving and kind and generous - until we took him to orientation day for daycare on Friday . He begins daycare this week and the school had all the parents and children come in for an hour to show us the classroom , meet the teachers , see their classmates and acquaint us with the routine . For the first 30 minutes , the parents sat on little stools and asked the teachers questions while the children quietly played with the toys within their reach . " What kind of snacks do they get ? " " How long is nap time ? " " Do you tell us if someone has bitten our child ? " But as the public question period wrapped up and parents began to get into private discussions with one of the four teachers , the children began to stray farther and farther away from their parents and head toward the toys they 'd been eyeing since they got there . Before long , Eddie had an orange ball in one hand and a green ball in the other , and he was walking around with them as if they were his until another child tried to take one of the balls away . Eddie moved his body in between the child and the ball and held on to it tightly . The other child was persistent and kept grabbing at it until he finally knocked it out of Eddie 's hand , and Eddie began to cry . One of the teachers came over with another ball and handed it to Eddie so that he once again had two balls . Hoarding Soon , Eddie grew bored with the bowl and dropped it to the floor . He then picked up a little red barn with a blue roof and handed it to my husband , Bruce , who was seated at a children 's table . Eddie then went and got a xylophone and brought it over to Bruce and left it with him on the table . He walked away and came back with an Elmo doll and a book . He was stockpiling . He stockpiled toys I remembered last spring when I took Eddie to get the box of organic produce I pick up from a woman 's house every two weeks . She has a bunny in a cage in her yard , and I sometimes take Eddie out of the car to see the rabbit . I usually take a few carrots out of the box I 've just picked up and hand them to Eddie . One is for him . The other is for the rabbit . Eddie will start to eat his own carrot and then stick the bunny 's carrot through the holes in the cage . But after a couple of seconds , he 'll move his own carrot to his other hand and start eating the rabbit 's carrot . He eats the carrot intended for the bunny . As we left the daycare center , the teachers gave us a memo that spelled out what the class was about and what each child would need : a lunch box , two drinks a change of clothes , some diapers and wipes and a family photo for the " my family " board . The first lines of the memo said , " Welcome to the toddler class . Our main focus at this age is to help your child with the development of social skills , such as sharing and cooperating . " I hope my child isn 't left behind . 1 Comment » Earlier this summer , my husband and I were walking to a concert in our local town when the skies opened up and it began to thunder and lightning . We popped open our umbrellas and ran toward the concert hall , but as I moved through the streets with no canopy of trees to cover us , I saw the flashes coming closer and closer , and I began to fear lightening would strike the tip of my umbrella . We 'd just seen a movie , " Moonrise Kingdom , " an enchanting story about young love , and there 's a scene in which the lead character is running through an open field , and he 's struck by lightning . I was torn between closing my umbrella so as not to attract the lightening , and knowing that if I did , I would be soaking wet as I watched the concert . And there was a good chance I wasn 't going to be struck by lightning at all , and that I would be uncomfortably wet on account of silly paranoia . When we arrived at the concert hall , we were greeted by our neighbor , Sheila , who is the entertainment director there . She sometimes gives us free tickets , as was the case that night , though they 're usually in a section on the side of the stage . It 's a mixed bag : the seats are close - about tenth row from the stage - so you feel almost like you 've met the entertainers , except that you 're seeing them from the side . It would be like going to breakfast with someone , but the whole meal , you 're talking to their profile . Sheila left but returned a couple of minutes later to say that if we preferred , she had another pair of seats available in the center of the concert hall , where we would have a frontal view of the stage . But they were about 20 rows back . She said we could go with her to see if we liked them better . As soon as we got there , I saw that not only were they better seats but several of our other neighbors were already sitting there . That was considerate of Sheila , but given that she is better friends with the neighbors already seated there , I couldn 't help but feel Sheila had given them preferential treatment and was now making an excuse for why she hadn 't put us there initially . I understood the concept of the better the friend , the better the seat , but there were about eight empty seats in that center section , and I imagined Sheila had been saving them for people she liked more than us , but because it had rained and they hadn 't shown up , she was now offering their seats to us . Basically , we were getting sloppy seconds . " Yeah , sure , " I said . I always think the worst of people , mostly because I think so poorly of myself . It 's that old , " I wouldn 't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member . " Lately , when it comes to relationship matters , I 've been wrong on every count . I thought a woman was refusing to answer my texts and a voicemail and it turns out her mother had just died and she 'd gone incommunicado . I silently cursed a man who didn 't answer my email , and then a day later , he replied . When I failed to get an email telling me where the next meeting of my book club would be held , it occurred to me that maybe they didn 't want me in the group anymore , and they were meeting in secret to figure out how to tell me that . Turns out there was no meeting because everyone dropped the ball and failed to schedule one . The problem with paranoid thinking , though - whether it involves relationships or matters of life and death - is you can be wrong a thousand times and right just once , and that 's enough to perpetuate those nagging thoughts . The day after the music concert , I read in the newspaper that a woman walking back from the beach a few towns north of us was struck by lightning and killed . She was with her family , and when the thunderstorm rolled in , they all packed up their things and left . The woman was a few paces behind everyone else , scurrying across an elevated walkway holding a beach chair and other beach items , when she was struck . Her two children saw it happen , as did a local police officer , who said the lightening went right through the woman 's head and out her stomach , making a hole as it exited . Another witness , who was standing in her doorway across the street , said she saw the bolt strike the woman 's head and flow down her body to her feet and then back up again , making the items in her hands glow . A few days later , a 17 - year old girl riding a chairlift that runs along the beach saw a thunderstorm moving in and fearing she , too , would be struck jumped 35 feet to the ground . She survived the fall by landing on her side . The ride had stopped , and as she dangled in mid - air , she said she could see the lightning off in the distance , and she just freaked out . I was recently at a party thrown by my friend , Dawn , who has a house in the woods that has a view of the Delaware River . We were surrounded by evergreens that were about 100 feet high , and there was a canopy of younger , shorter ones surrounding my friend 's yard . I sat on the edge of a swimming pool with my friend , Tom , dangling our feet in the water , as my son , Eddie stood in front of me on the first step of the pool . As Tom and I talked , I could see lightening flickering off in the distance , and I kept thinking , " Should I get Eddie out of the pool ? What if it strikes the water and fries me and my son ? What if it just kills my son ? " And so I did what any mother would do when questioning whether their child was in danger : I asked the person next to me . Tom speaks like a Southerner , orbiting a point like a fly trying to get at a piece of watermelon . When I saw another flash , brighter and closer than the last , I looked over and saw Tom 's legs were out of the water . I yanked Eddie out of the pool and then pulled out my own legs . Sometimes , the only way to know whether your fears are justified or whether you 're just having a bout of silly paranoia is for your worst fears to be realized . But of course vindication means never getting to say , " I told you so . " So I chalked it up to one of those clichés worth heeding , like don 't buy cheap tape , don 't put anything sharp in your ear , and better safe than sorry . 5 Comments » I put on a pair of beige Capri pants , a white headband , and a crisp white shirt with a collar that stood up like bat 's wings . I was trying to channel Laura Petrie . While Laura was bone thin and had spindly arms like Audrey Hepburn , and I have curves like a bell and breasts like a Latvian , today is my 49th birthday . It 's time to start doing what I want and being who I want , even if some think I look silly . I still remember being in 11th grade , an age when you begin to exercise your individuality , and walking out of my bedroom wearing army green parachute pants and high top sneakers with rainbow laces , and in front of my friend my mother said , " You 're not really going out like that , are you ? " I think she was sometimes embarrassed about the way I dressed , or the way I swore , or how I didn 't send thank you notes when someone gave me a gift , because she felt it reflected poorly on her . Channeling Laura Petrie I 'd already decided that in honor of my birthday , I was going out to breakfast with my 19 - month old son , Eddie . It was a brave move given that Eddie 's now at the stage where he throws things constantly and sometimes yells so loudly and in such a high pitch , I expect glass to shatter and car alarms to go off . I decided to pack a lot of toys and get a table outside . The bag of toys contained five plastic farm animals , four spongy rhinos , multi - colored nesting balls , a car with the button that plays rap music from South Central L . A . , a couple of matchbox cars , and a little chipmunk that when you press down on his head says , " I 'm Theodore . Ha ha ha . " As soon as we sat down , I lined up all the toys along the edge of the table . I then set out some peanut butter cereal puffs , placing one puff in each little groove of the table 's wrought iron design . Most mothers ask for a piece of paper and a crayon A young waitress walked by and looked at the display of toys . " You 're such a good mother , " she said . " Most mothers come in here with nothing and say , ' Do you have a crayon and a piece of paper ? ' I smiled and thought , she doesn 't know the half of it . Just an hour earlier , as I was changing Eddie on the diaper table , I handed him a little plush lamb to play with , and he winged it at my face . So I threw it back at him . I didn 't throw it hard , and it was a fluffy little animal not likely to hurt anyone . But I threw an object at my child . I could hear my pediatrician 's voice saying , " He may start hitting you . Resist the urge to hit him back . " I did not resist . I rationalized that I wanted him to learn it 's not nice to throw things in people 's faces . The truth is , I was pissed he keeps hitting me in the face and throwing things at me . He looked up at me , his mouth made the little " O " shape that always precedes a cry , and he began to bawl . Heartbroken , I grabbed him and hugged him and began to cry , myself , and said , " Stupid mommy . That was really stupid . Stupid Mommy . " I then slapped myself lightly on the hand . " I should not have thrown that at you . " Great , I thought . Now he 's going to think I 'm stupid . Or that he should slap himself on the hand when he does something wrong . Or that I 'm cruel . Or that I 'm erratic , throwing things one minute , and then crying and feeling badly about it the next . When you 're born feeling wrong , there 's nowhere to turn that feels right . In the restaurant , Eddie played with the little animals I 'd lined up , but after a couple of minutes , he tossed one of the rhinos on to the floor . And then another . As I bent down to pick it up , the waitress came with our food . I started to cut up Eddie 's blueberry pancakes into bite - size pieces , squeezed a thin stream of syrup on top in a circular motion , paused , then thinking I was being chintzy , squirt on a little more . I slid the plate over to Eddie , and he picked up a piece and put it in his mouth . He began to chew it and then started to spit it back out in a spray , as if to say , " I reject this . " A display of peanut butter puffs " Oh , c ' mon . You like pancakes , " I said . I picked up a piece and put it in his mouth . He ate it and then he reached down for another and pushed it into his mouth . I watched him as he chewed , waiting for him to spit the food back out , but he swallowed it . I felt relief . I watched him eat another piece and swallow it , and then another . Phew , I thought . I can now relax and eat . I looked down at my plate and began to cut up my eggs when I felt a piece of pancake hit my arm . " Eddie ! " I said . He picked up another piece and threw it at my pressed white shirt . It left a purple blueberry stain just below my breast . There 's a commercial out now for a bank in which a baby is sitting in a highchair , and the narrator says , " But it 's more money ! " The baby responds by throwing a fistful of cereal in the narrator 's face . The ad made me laugh . Not anymore . Eddie continued to throw pieces of sticky blueberry pancake at me like a monkey winging feces at passersby , until I grabbed his little fist . I stood up and took his plate and placed it on the seat next to him , out of his reach . I sat back down and began to eat my breakfast . But I felt funny eating in front of him when he didn 't have any food . I tried to give him some of my egg , then a piece of corned beef hash , but as the fork got near his mouth , he 'd push it away with his hand and say , " No ! " I took out the bag of peanut butter cereal and put some out onto the table . He began eating the little puffs , once piece at a time . A family of four sat down at the table next to us . A man with a little white dog sat down at the table on the other side of me . I suddenly felt uncomfortable , fearing if Eddie misbehaved now , my parenting skills - such as they are - would be on display . I reassured myself that people go out to breakfast to talk amongst themselves . They won 't even notice me . And if they did , people are never as judgmental as I think they are . Just then , a man road by on a bicycle that had a wagon attached to it , and sitting inside the wagon was his son . They were riding in the road , and as they passed our line of tables , the traffic light turned red and they had to wait . The man straddled his bicycle while his son sat quietly in the wagon sucking his thumb . Soon , an older couple arrived and walked over to the table with the young man and his dog . The older woman was pushing a double - baby carriage with twin boys . Her husband sat down , and the woman tried to push the carriage up to the table , but the front wheel kept jamming . Her husband stood up and rocked the carriage back and forth until the wheel straightened out . The woman , who appeared to be the children 's grandmother , took two juice boxes out of her handbag , unwrapped them and handed one to each child . Eddie and I watched them like it was a spectator sport . " Oh , yeah . They throw things all the time , " said the woman 's husband . " They like to throw things over a barrier , like the porch railing . " " Oh , yeah . He does that all the time , " I said , pointing to Eddie . " But no , I mean do they throw things at you . " " Oh , at me ? Never ! That 's no good . You gotta nip that in the bud . Give him a little rap on the hand , " he said , rapping himself on the hand to illustrate . " Not hard . But a little rap . You have to be firm . " " Oh , yeah ? " I said . I looked over at his grandchildren , who were silently eating their crackers like little soldiers . I then turned to Eddie , who was jabbering nonsensically as he brushed the remains of his peanut butter cereal puffs onto the floor . I so didn 't want to be the parent who is embarrassed of her child 's behavior , who measures her child against other children and finds they sometimes come up short , and yet here I was , being , well , my mother . I chatted with the grandparents for a little while longer , and after a couple of minutes , I gathered up all of Eddie 's toys and dumped our barely - eaten breakfast plates into Styrofoam containers . I then grabbed Eddie , and we were off . When I got into my car , I looked down at the blueberry stain on my pressed white shirt and thought , so much for Laura Petrie . the summer band That night , my husband and I took Eddie down to the boardwalk to hear some music . Our small town has a summer orchestra that plays Wednesday nights , and I wanted Eddie to hear it . My son loves music . From the time he was four months old , I would hold him up on top of my desk or our kitchen table and he would sway to the beat of Santana . For his first birthday , someone gave him a drum , some cymbals and a tambourine . I 'll sometimes put on the Beatles , and he marches around the kitchen playing all three instruments in succession . He plays the giant leaves of our neighbor 's hosta plant as if they were a bongo drum . He plays my guitar like a dulcimer , holding it flat on his lap and plucking the strings and tapping the frets to make harmonics . He once found a rectangular piece of yellow plastic in our local park that had obviously broken off a child 's toy , and he began to strum it like a harp . When we first took him to see this summer band a few weeks ago , I tried to introduce him to all of the instruments . I stood in front of the band with him in my arms , and when the flutes played , I ran over to the flute section and showed him what was making the sound . When the trumpets played , I ran over to the brass section and pointed out the trumpets . He saw a full drum set , and a standing xylophone , a tuba and clarinets . And he was enthralled . He would watch in silence , and at the end of each piece , he would applaud . A whirling dervish When we arrived at the boardwalk on my birthday , the music had already begun . The moment my son heard it , he began to stomp his feet and move his right arm up and down as if he were snapping his fingers . While there were several other children there , Eddie was the only one dancing . He stood in the middle of the boardwalk stomping and swaying to the music . He then began to spin . And he spun , and he spun , and he spun , like a whirling dervish . And as I watched him , I thought , my child is absolutely perfect the way he is . |
When I was turning out a cupboard I found a drawing I did a few years ago , in my one and only sketching lesson ( it was at a WI meeting ) . The Sage , rather sweetly , was full of praise . I think it will be only too obvious to you that it is entirely undeserved . I can neither draw nor take photos . I suppose I could have scanned it . Anyway , just to keep up with the Daveses in displaying my " talent " . . . . Today , I shifted all the furniture in the drawing room to hoover - when you come on Monday and observe how scruffy and untidy the place is , please remember that this is post - housework . It was far worse . I 'm being submerged in papers , even though I throw away a lot . Friends turned up this afternoon , which was extremely jolly . Usually when this happens ( about every five years - these particular friends , I mean ) , I persuade them to stay for dinner , but it was a bit early to make this a reasonable proposition , especially as I hadn 't really got any food in ( although one can always rustle up a meal ) . They are away from next weekend , but have promised to get in touch on their return . We had a good chat over a cup of tea , anyway . I was in the middle of hoovering the carpet when they arrived and had to get rid of the worst of the detritus - I really ought to find a cleaner , I just can 't be arsed nowadays to do much myself . When I think back , I used to move all the furniture every damn week to clean behind . Now there is too much furniture and I lost the habit a long time ago . Anyway , another friend turned up , this time with a bottle of wine . I 'd written a report for her - it was no trouble and I knew she 'd have found it tricky , and there was really no need . Very kind , though . Rog has been mashing me on Facebook Scrabble . He 's won the last several games , usually coming from behind in the last few goes . This time , he 's well ahead from the beginning . I can only sit back and admire . There seems to be a spate of partygiving at present . We 've just had an invitation for another one . That 's three coming up , not including our own . Very jolly . This one will be a barn dance . It occurs to me that I have rather a lot of shopping to do on Saturday . And cooking on Sunday . I suppose I 'd better start thinking about food . I wonder if everyone will introduce themselves by their real names or blog names - if they are different , of course . I 've been going through old handbags . So far , I 've found about £ 8 and my driving licence . That 's good - the driving licence in particular . I hadn 't seen it for ages , although I knew what room it was in ( this gives you some idea of how much stuff there is in this house ) . I 've been used to it all my life , mind you . When I was a child , my mother 's eyes grew wistful whenever there was a report of the police searching someone 's house . She thought it would be rather splendid for a policeman to come along with a search warrant . She could follow him about , exclaiming with glee every time he came across something she 'd " put in a safe place " months earlier and never seen again . Here , I think it would take a team of people several months . I trust they 'd tidy up before they left . You will either come along the A road or through the town . If coming along the bypass , look for the sign to the village and you will see the church spire . Head for that . If you come along Church Road , turn left at the church and immediately right into our drive ; if you come down School Road with the church facing you , the drive is 50 yards short of the junction . That 's the road you will turn down if coming from the town ; it is the first on the left , about 3 / 4 of a mile from the little bridge out of town . Our entrance has two curved brick walls , one in need of repair , and open wrought iron gates . You can 't see the house from the road ; the drive forks but all roads lead to home so left and right wingers all welcome . Don 't carry on past the church ( or turn left at the T junction ) or you will end up down a bumpy track and have to turn round . After the Sage 's meeting tonight , there was a talk by an environmental officer about the Common . He was very enthusiastic about the range of birds there and afterwards the Sage engaged him in conversation . He is going to come and look at our land around here and advise us on anything more we can do to encourage wildlife . There 's already rather a lot , in fact . It seems to have decided itself . Despite my reservations about recorded music in church , I 'm going with Tom Lehrer before the service starts and Tico Tico as I 'm carried out . In between , straightforward hymns - I still want Father Hear the Prayer We Offer , which decision has lasted eight years so far , so must be about right for me , and another hymn which hasn 't quite been settled yet , so I 'll probably do a shortlist and let the family decide . Or they can go another way entirely if they like , as long as it is not All Things Bright and Beautiful , The Old Rugged Cross or Abide with Me . A wicker coffin , made by me or Sarah and little or no eulogy . If I pop off unexpectedly , please point my family in this direction asap . Today , I was back at work . " Work " I should say , as it 's voluntary and therefore counts as fun . The consultation for academy status still goes on , but I have to say , I have thoroughly read everything I can about it and will vote in favour . Something drastic and unexpected would have to occur to make me pause . Some of the teachers are not in favour , some are , but the arguments against do not take into account the facts of the matter . I should make clear , I am not in any way in favour of sponsored academies and I do not want to change the conditions of employment of our staff , who are really excellent and work fantastically hard . I look forward to working more closely with them , in fact . This sounds thoroughly big - headed , I know , but those of the staff who don 't know me underestimate me . I 'm all fun and frivolity of course , but it thinly masks a lot of knowledge of school management and a worryingly tough cor blimey core . The first thing I want to do is set up a staff / governor forum so that representatives from both can meet regularly to discuss current events and concerns . I 'm going to prove to sceptics that I mean what I say and that we can deliver what we intend . I 'm jumping ahead , of course . The proposition may be voted down , or we may be rejected . If so , it 'll mean a lot of cutbacks in a couple of years and probably a restriction to our curriculum . Oh dear . Sorry . Let me see , what 's on tomorrow . A meeting with solicitors at school in the morning , then a haircut , then playing for a funeral The Lord 's My Shepherd and Abide With Me . Better than B & B , I suppose . Then there is the church AGM in the evening , but I shall not go . Z the little rebel . The Sage has another AGM ; he is a Common Reeve and is up for re - election . I haven 't planned my own funeral as such , although I have given it a fair bit of thought . If I pop off before the Sage , I suspect he might make my coffin himself from oak boards , as he did for Chester and Tilly ( I think it 's a bit OTT for dogs , but he wanted to ) , but I 'd really like a wicker coffin . Weeza found a website with lovely ones a few years ago and I bookmarked it , but when my last computer broke I lost the bookmarks and haven 't tracked down the company again yet . There are a few companies making English wicker coffins , but I particularly liked the shape of that one . My friend Bobbie 's father was buried in a woven coffin , I 'm not sure of the material - seagrass perhaps ? - which was imported from China - apparently , being a soft material , they can be stacked one inside another and are light , so it is counted as eco - friendly despite the distance travelled . On no account do I want a brick coffin , whatever Dave says . I certainly want to be buried and not cremated . Although I 'm not big on ceremony ( there were three guests at my wedding , for instance ) , I recognise the importance of a funeral and a really low - key one brings a feeling of incompletion . I have the Bible reading I would like and a hymn , but there are several other options for hymns I 'd like and I think it 's fair to give my family a choice . After all , they 're the ones listening to it . I don 't really want to be talked about . It makes me uncomfortable . And there really isn 't much to say . Maybe I should suggest a couple of anecdotes and leave it at that . Choosing music for the start and finish is always a bit of a problem , unless you 've got a really good organist . CDs often don 't sound right in a church . Last year , a funeral I played the organ for had the coffin leave to Bridge over Troubled Waters , which was actually very effective . This could be quite jolly though , don 't you think ? Not the best video , but I vastly enjoyed seeing the YOA a few years ago ( I blogged it at the time ) and I 've got their CD . My mother had six months to plan her funeral . As she said to Phil , whom she met for the first ( and only ) time at her last Christmas , " I 've received my death sentence , you know . " As a near - to - introductory remark , it was quite a show - stopper . She spent a lot of time poring over the Bible , choosing the reading and even longer deciding on the hymns . There was nothing untoward about any of the service , but the rest of the arrangements were rather more complicated . My mother was married twice and widowed twice . My father died when she was forty - six and she married again six years later . Her second husband died ten years later when she was only sixty - two . In each instance there was a double grave ready for her too - " double graves all over Suffolk , " as she put it . She lived next to us for the last fifteen years of her life , half an hour 's drive from where she 'd lived with my stepfather . So , planning her funeral , she was in a quandary . She reluctantly decided that there was no possibility of including her first husband in the reckoning . After all this time , she didn 't really want her funeral in Wrentham where she used to live . Most of her friends had died or moved from there and she didn 't know the minister , whereas she and our Rector here were good friends . I must remember to tell you about when he visited her a week or two after she came out of hospital . You know when you go to a funeral in a church and then are invited back to the house or a local hotel afterwards , but the immediate family has gone off to the crematorium and you have to wait an hour awkwardly before they come back ? I didn 't want that to happen . If there 's one thing I learned from my mother , and actually there were others , it was to put guests first . So it was decided that the best option was to have the funeral in our church in the morning , then everyone come back here for lunch , then book the undertaker to return a couple of hours later and drive over to Wrentham for the burial . The day before the event , I and various other people spent preparing food and then I was up again at 5 am cooking again , with an obsessive fear that there would not be enough . Weeza thought I was a bit cracked and I probably was . The funeral went smoothly , not that I remember anything about it , though it seemed a bit odd to walk out leaving the coffin behind . The Rector murmured to me , when he joined us at home , that he had locked the church door . A bit disconcerting for a chance visitor otherwise . None of my children wanted to come , so the Sage and I left them in charge of the few remaining guests . I was touched that several friends did come with us , I hadn 't expected them to . Ian , the Rector , came too . We drove behind the hearse for a slow 15 miles to Wrentham church . The coffin was unloaded and borne in on the pallbearers ' shoulders . Up the aisle , with all of us solemnly following behind , up to the chancel . . . then a swift turn - about and it was carried out again . She 'd wanted a final visit to the church . The cemetery is separate from the church , the graveyard having been filled many years previously , and the coffin was loaded back into the car again . Our bewildered followers obediently climbed back into their cars - and found themselves driving only 200 yards before stopping behind the hearse again . The Sage and I , with prior knowledge , walked . We all trooped behind the coffin again , caution on the faces of the followers who felt that there might be another detour , but the grave was ready for her . We finally lurched home in the mid afternoon . The whole thing must have taken five hours . We felt that , ideally , she would have preferred a timeshare arrangement in Oulton Broad with my father , Wrentham with my step - father and the churchyard here where she lived . Zerlina is extremely strong - willed . We knew it , but she does try it on somewhat . We were all barefoot today - well , she was bare - everything . The Sage kept his shoes on , of course , and socks . She wanted me to put my sandals on , so I put my toes in , but later on , after lunch when I was barefoot again , she instructed me to put my shoes on and I refused . She told me repeatedly and firmly and I started to feel a bit got at . It was quite funny though . We all wondered ironically where she had got it from ( her mother , since you don 't appear to have got the answer right at once ) . I 've spent quite some time this evening drafting the Churchwardens ' annual report for the AGM , which is on Wednesday . Yes , I know I am not churchwarden any more . I 'm not even going to the meeting . But I am , sadly , practised in admin and the present churchwardens , better as they are than me in most other respects , aren 't . So I 've left them to look up various facts , such as how many weddings and funerals were held , and done the rest of it . It has to be sent up to Diocesan House and is an official record . Tomorrow , Weeza , Phil and Zerlina and Ro and Dora are coming for lunch . Dilly 's parents are coming over for lunch with them , so I expect the little cousins will play together in the afternoon . We 're having roast lamb . And cake . I spent some time this evening making little cakes and I shall decorate them in the morning . I also have some raspberries ( no idea where they were flown in from ) and ice cream . Bought . I 'm feeling lazy . I had a post in my mind , but events have pushed their way in front of it . So it will wait . It 's waited eight years already , and three since I said I 'll write about it . I was cooking dinner and Wink was reading the paper . She observed that the first Indiana Jones film was on . We realised that it couldn 't all be watched , but I said that I could work dinner around the first few minutes - that is , leave it while the ( rather awful , actually ) tomb - robbing sequence was going on , then I could dish up and we could see the rest after we 'd eaten . I was just heading back to the kitchen when the Sage asked me if I could spare a couple of minutes . My time is counted in individual minutes , I couldn 't really but the Sage comes first so I went with him . . . it was a not good idea which he and Jamie had cooked up while I was out . I said , I don 't think so , but let me dish up those slightly blackened sweet potatoes first and we 'll talk about it . The upshot was , I had a better idea and now he 's all enthusiastic . It is something for next year in my view , no hurry . But he 's happy again and that 's the main thing . It 's the placing of the summerhouse , you see . It is a very old summerhouse , that belonged to his grandparents . It 's a revolving one . It was brought here from their garden some 60 years ago and , the year after we moved here , we took it apart , repaired it , put it together again ( that was hard work ) and I stripped it all down to bare wood with a hot air gun ( that was hard work ) and primed , undercoated and top - coated it again . That was a lot of work and , actually , the top coat had to wait until the next year because I ran out of autumn . It 's back to square one again now . I have repainted it in the meantime , but mole - works meant that its circular base slipped and we couldn 't fully open the doors , and so didn 't use it and it 's degenerated again . The Sage was doubtful that it needed to be on the lawn and I agree , but didn 't like his suggested placing . So - because quick thinking is my mezzo - forte , I came up with a better place . So that may well be it . But the project is a way off . There was certainly no need to take me out for a snap decision this evening . . . but , how can one mind enthusiasm ? I love enthusiasm . It defines me , I think . I am a passionate Z . Wink and I went to Norwich today , first to my ladies - who - lunch lunch and then to John Lewis because Wink wanted to check out linen baskets and rugs . We left , chastened by the prices . Having rejected the baskets , the least expensive of which was £ 50 and not all that , I wanted to buy something small to get the reduced price on the car park . I looked at Easter eggs and sweets and was really rather taken aback . £ 9 for a small pack of sugared almonds , for example . What looked like a small coffee cup filled with sweets was £ 5 , which seemed all right until I realised the ' cup ' was made of card and the fiver was for maybe 80g of sweets . I bought a stain removing stick . We moved on to the Chapelfield mall , mainly because we were meeting Weeza and the JL multi - storey is so badly designed and there are few mother and baby spaces and there is hardly room to park the car , let alone help a small child out of it . We bought Wink her birthday presents and a bra for me . I wonder why it is that there are so few in my size . I have a very ordinary size , but there were lots of 30Fs and similarly impressive small yet big sizes , but not the more ordinary 34Ds . Not in white , anyway , which was what I wanted . I 'd have bought two or three , including coloured ones , if I 'd been able to find them , but I could only find a choice of two acceptable ones ( I do not like padding either , it doesn 't move when you do ) and tried them on , one fitted so I bought it . Later , I got over enthusiastic about odds and ends and then we went looking for clothes for Zerlina . Weeza really wanted some plain teeshirts , but Zerlina was thrilled with a bright red raincoat , of all things . It was marked down to about a third of its original price and I bought it for her . I mean , it 'll rain sometime or other , right ? Weeza bought her sunglasses and Wink bought her a dress . We also had ice cream . It was a good day . Then I went to play the organ at the Maundy Thursday service . I don 't think I 've ever been to a Maundy Thursday service before , so I don 't know if it 's the norm , but at the end the ministers removed everything they could from the altar and its surrounds . They trotted back and forth while the congregation sat silently , and then they went and sat down again . I wondered how long to stay . No one moved . It was 20 to 9 and I still had dinner to cook . After five minutes , I got up and went out . Well , someone has to . And now I 'm tired . Goodnight . Isn 't the weather fantastic ? So hot and yet the air is fresh . Just delightful , unless you 're working out in the middle of it , of course . I was some of the time , though not very hard , and wearing jeans which wasn 't probably the best choice for the day . No matter . Wink is here for the next few days , which is highly jolly . We are going out to lunch tomorrow , and then into Norwich shopping . Weeza will probably join us , with Zerlina of course . We 're planning a family get - together over the weekend , on Sunday . Squiffany had four little schoolfriends over to play today . They were all so sweet . Al had done a treasure hunt for them on the field and they all trotted out , with Pugsley in front . I said to Al and Dilly , it looked like five little sisters , all much the same size . I became momentarily sentimental about the thought of such a family . Having the eldest child a girl does add a civilising influence . We pondered about five 6 year old boys and a small girl . Much as I enjoy the company of little boys , they would be altogether more rowdy , but the girls were good as gold . They all wanted a rest indoors after their treasure hunt , it was too hot to be outside in the sunshine for long . At least , as there was no dusty digging being done today , I was able to hang the washing out . Five loads of it . The last will stay out overnight . And the sixth is still in the washing machine . It 's been a while . The fishmonger calls on a Monday and I usually get fish for a couple of nights . For today , I bought two trout . I asked the Sage to pick up some vegetables to go with them when he was in Yagnub . He came home looking happy . The first asparagus of the season was in - we only ever buy English asparagus and it 's only in season from the end of April or early May , depending on the weather , until the longest day , 21st June , when the growers stop cutting to let the crowns build up strength for the rest of the summer . He had bought a bunch of ten spears . He had also bought six Jersey Royal potatoes , again newly in season . He said he wasn 't going to tell me how much they had cost , but to relish every mouthful . So , in keen and happy anticipation this evening , I put the fish in a roasting tin , each in its own square of greaseproof paper , with slices of lemon and a sprinkling of salt , a smear of butter and a shake of white wine , and wrapped them up to bake in their juices . I trimmed the asparagus , frugally cooking the ends in with the potato water - soup will be made tomorrow from the ends and the cooking water - and scrubbed the potatoes . I poured a glass of wine for myself while the meal was cooking , and remembered . What I was remembering was an occasion , eight years ago and a few weeks after my mother had died . One day , I bought a whole fish to bake , I can 't remember what it was . I picked broad beans and asparagus and dug new potatoes from the garden . Two of the three were the first of the season , probably the beans and potatoes . It was , to me , the perfect meal - not only because it would be simple , delicious and fresh but because the first of each seasonal vegetable is a celebration , and the lovely fish complemented them perfectly . And , in the precise sense that I enjoyed it , my mother did too , we completely understood how each other felt , and no one else would in just that way . And I felt such a pang of loss . Today was the first time that I really felt that the Sage got it too . After dinner , he wanted to go for a walk to investigate the boathouse , so I went with him . The boathouse has been neglected for at least forty years . We did have a boat , a dinghy , but the hut was already tumbledown so we kept it on the river bank . The Sage has had a wish to get the boathouse back into use for a long time , but it 's going to be a big job , largely because it 's so awkward to get at . However , he feels that it would be possible now , with Jamie 's help . I 've stipulated that there are several more important things here to do first . However , I do agree , it would be great . The river is quite silted up in places , so we 'd need something flat - bottomed . It 's a really quiet , tranquil place and I would love to have a little boat . I grew up by the river and like nothing better . He stayed on the path while I ( who was wearing wellies ) trod down the nettles and scrambled up onto the river bank . I found the boathouse , but it was too dark to take a picture by then . However , I had taken a couple of snaps of the river a little earlier . It was dusk , but you can see the tranquillity . We 've been working on the drive all day , but I 'll spare you pictures until something is completed . At one point , when J and R were both breaking up rubble , I observed that they looked like members of a chain gang . I 've been feeling rather guilty about them doing that job ever since , although they look quite happy . Jolly hard work though . I tried again to load the video , but although Blogger doesn 't specify the largest possible size , it doesn 't load . I could try doing it via Picasa I suppose , but I suspect that would take just as long . I do put some pictures on Picasa , Flickr or Photobucket sometimes ( don 't ask me why I have accounts on all , I can 't remember ) but only if I want to share them with the family . Otherwise , I don 't bother . They take an age to load too . Anyway , then I tried to edit the video and split it up but it played sideways on , can 't think why , and I couldn 't work out how to change it . I could have gone through the tutorial , but how boring that would be . Reading a manual is one thing but being taken through stuff on the screen is not for the impatient . Pity though , as the sight of Al blithely brushing thousands of bees off a tree is quite a good one . I did take pictures of the marsh marigolds / kingcups or whatever . The first shows just how overgrown the pond is - very little actual pond left . The second shows the leaves , but the sun was so bright that the flower was washed out so I took a third , you lucky people . I do hope you like multiple pictures of the same yellow flower . I had actually got the hoover out and ready to use , when Al came through asking for help . There was a swarm of bees at the bottom of the garden . It was from one of his three hives and they hadn 't gone far , just a few yards to the nearest tree . Dilly was out in Norwich with her mother and sister , shopping . I know that a swarm of bees is normally a gentle beast , so I was quick to volunteer to help and went next door to dress in Dilly 's beekeeper suit and my wellies . Al couldn 't find his camera , nor could I mine , so I 've captured the whole thing on the phone . Not a picture of me in the suit though , I 'm afraid . Pictures aren 't going too well on Blogger at present , for a brief while one could arrange them nicely side by side , but now they seem to go in a line downwards again , so this may be a long post in every sense except the wooden one . The long video is taking an age to load . This is the swarm . The text book way of securing them would be to tap them in one lot into a basket , or else cut off the branch and drop them that way . However , they were clustered round in the crook of two branches of an elder , and it was not possible . Al decided , instead , to brush as many as possible into the basket , trying to include the queen who would be in the centre , drop them on the sheet and they should then walk upwards and find the hive . I was too interested in what he was doing to film it very well , but I got most of it - it seems that Blogger can 't cope with 50 seconds of video however , and it won 't load . I 'll try editing it into bits tomorrow . A swarm of bees is not dangerous unless they think you are threatening the queen . As you see , they are completely docile here . They were bewildered but not angry . I had my suit on , but my right hand uncovered to use the phone camera ( and Facebook , because I was excitedly live - FB - ing it ) and no bee settled on me or tried to sting . Even though Al was brushing right into the heart of the cluster , the hum of bees never became an angry buzz . Their instinct is to walk uphill , so they started moving into the hive at once . However , they would be looking for the queen . If they didn 't find her , they would come out again , as you can hear Al explain to me . Sadly , that droning voice saying " They 're going in " . . . " Right " is me . Al was the first to spot her , she still has her blue paint on - you mark your queen so that she 's easy to find , but the workers try to clean the paint off so it usually doesn 't last long . I 've zoomed in , you can just get a vague blue blur near the centre of the picture if you peer closely , though I thought I 'd got her better than that . Al chivvied her over towards the entrance , but she managed to get under the hive . Luckily , she came out again a minute later and we both saw her walk in . I was too interested in looking at her to remember to take a picture of the moment , I 'm afraid . And here are pictures of the rest of the bees following her , apart from those still on the tree . On my way back to the house , I took a picture of the hive that the swarm came from . The queen , before leaving , will have left plenty of eggs . Some of those would hatch out into queens . Al will go through the hive , destroying most of the queen cells - which are easily recognised , being much bigger than ordinary egg cells - because if more than one hatches at the same time , there will be another swarm . If one queen hatches first , she will destroy the other queen larvae herself . A newly hatched larvae becomes a queen by being fed royal jelly by the workers , as you probably know . Twenty minutes later , we heard a loud droning noise ( not me , that time ) and Al was concerned that the queen had rejected the hive and left again . He hurried down the garden to look . But it was all right . The signal had gone out that the queen was in residence , and the rest of the bees from the tree and in the air were all going to their new home , all in one loud mass . Within a few minutes , they were tranquilly out foraging again . This evening , we moved the hive to its new situation by the rest of the hives . It was a slightly awkward job as we were wading through nettles on uneven ground , but it went without problems . I 've offered to be apprentice Second Beekeeper for the rest of this year . Dilly is rather too pregnant to want to put on the suit and it would be upsetting for her to be stung , now or with a new baby to care for . I 'm not afraid of things buzzing around , won 't panic if I 'm stung and do what I 'm told quite nicely . And the bees are fascinating . I can see myself becoming as interested as Al , if I don 't watch out . I spent a while with Squiffany and Pugsley this morning as their parents were taking some things to the tip . Before leaving , they warned me that Pugsley was under the weather , which showed itself in a very short fuse . There had been some shouting and crying that morning . He was fine when I arrived , but soon proved unco - operative . I was firm but cheerful , and got them both out into the garden to show them what work had been done and tell them how it would look at the end . I asked them what they thought about the pond which , having been completely neglected for about three years , is overgrown with irises and some yellow flowers - maybe marsh marigolds , or don 't they grow in ponds ? - and there is a lot of duckweed . Even the frogs have rejected it this year . I asked what they think , should I clear it out , refill it with water and baby - proof it , or should we fill it in until the babies are older . Squiffany said refill it and make it safe and Pugsley said fill it in . He was more interested in keeping it when I mentioned tadpoles , though . He did get upset later - I took them round to watch a tractor ploughing the field behind their house , and he pricked himself on a hawthorn . I looked , there was no mark , but he bawled . Squiffany was remarkably kind and patient with him , doing her best to cheer and distract him . She wondered ruefully what having two little brothers would be like . What I 've been wondering is how minority parties will fare at general elections if the Alternative Vote wins in the referendum . I think a lot of people , either from sympathy for a cause or in protest against the mainstream parties , would like to vote for a minority , but knowing it would be a wasted vote , take the sensible option of voting for someone who might actually get in . But knowing that their vote would be counted again , they might as well give the Greens , the BNP , UKIP or whoever their first vote . There would be no point at all in giving them second place . Since none of the main parties is particularly in favour at present ( though , of course , who knows what will happen in three or four years ? ) this could skew the results quite entertainingly . I haven 't heard anyone mention this factor - but I haven 't exactly been devouring all the available information and opinions , I admit . I 've had envelopes from both my accountant and the Inland Revenue . I 'm even considering getting my papers together and getting it over and done with . I 'll probably get over the impulse , but I do have that time - on - my hands feeling during the school holidays . In the evenings , that is . I 'm still hacking at brambles during the day . We have been working on both sides of the lawn . The wall side , Jamie has almost finished the edging , he 's left the end so that the digger can get in . There 's some brick rubble a few inches down which is quite a job to dig out , so we 'll take it away by digger and bring in some better soil and some muck . That 's one of the next jobs . I 'm inclined to think that I 'll put in annuals this year because I 'm not sure how many of the perennial weeds will come up again and it 'll be better to be able to dig it over thoroughly at the end of the summer . I am wondering what I can put in that the chickens won 't eat or pull up , and not that hopeful ! He 's done more bricks than this actually , I evidently forgot to take a final picture . At the point he 's finished , the bed is about 6 feet wide and increasing . The other side of the lawn , there used to be a big laurel hedge which was taken out five years ago or so . I 'd spent two decades trying to keep it under control , but it had become so wide that anything less than six feet high looked out of proportion , and at that height it was so strong it grew quicker than I could keep it pruned . I don 't mind losing some of the area to provide more parking space because the original intention of including it in the lawn has been rather thwarted by the chickens . They are thrilled at the efforts we are making to dig over fresh earth for them , although the ground is so dry that there are not huge numbers of worms . It 's poor sandy soil too . And at lunchtime , several had a dust bath . Yes , this is the edge of the lawn . Chickens come a long way above grass in order of importance . The edging looks lower than the ground , but it won 't be . It 's the same height as the kerb the other side of the drive , so we 'll take some soil away . It will not be used in the garden , as it has ground elder in it . It 's fifteen months since my new hip and I went for a check - up to the consultant . It was a friendly reunion , he is a very nice man . He immediately ( well , first he greeted me and asked how I and the hip am * ) asked if I 'm aware of the problems with and recalls of a lot of metal - on - metal hips . Thanks to Pamela 's Hip Headlines , I do indeed . Several styles are now not used after failures , sometimes quite soon after insertion and they don 't use them at all in Norwich , and hadn 't done even before the problems were confirmed nationally and internationally . His next question was whether I had any problems with my other hip and I said I suspect that I 'm in the early stage of arthritis there too . As the x - ray , although of my right side , would show both , he would look at it . The passageway to the x - ray place is down a slope - I suspect it was originally built with stairs - and I remembered back to when it was so difficult to walk down when I was there in January 2010 . This time , I trotted down speedily and hopped on the bed with agility . When I went back to see the consultant , he said that the new hip is perfect , and I could see that it was . Text book stuff . It looks fine , though I have to say , it 's weird to think of that long porcelain spike inside my femur . I suppose it 's that long to add stability . The other hip , he agreed with my suggestion that I 'll need a new one in five or six years . There 's just the start of arthritic wear . If I hadn 't had one , I 'd not be aware of such early signs . He said , I do have unusually shallow sockets - the right one particularly so , which was why it went first , but the other one is shallower than average too . I 'm not thrilled of course , but I 'd rather know - my regret is not that I 'll need an operation , but for the gradual decline that I can expect to start in about three years time . We talked it over , fairly briefly as we were in complete agreement , and I said that I 'd rather have it done sooner next time . My doctor had initially suggested waiting until I was over sixty if I could , and I 'd got fixed on that - I knew a long time ago that I couldn 't wait that long , but I could see the point of hanging on as long as possible , because of future revisions . The second time , there 's no point in waiting and I don 't want to be hobbling round with a stick again . Also , this hip cost around £ 12 , 000 all told and I jolly well don 't want to damage it by limping heavily with the other leg . So we shook hands and I thanked him , and he said that when I want to discuss it , to ring the hospital and make an appointment or , if I want to see him on the NHS , to speak to my GP and ask him for a referral . In any case , he 'll take a look at my operated hip in about five years , so the two events might even combine . * Slight grammar alert there , but I concluded that now the hip is part of me , I shall treat us as a single entity . I was sure that you would want to see a picture of my favourite chicken . She always follows any of us when she sees us going to work in the garden , expecting us to dig over the ground for her and , of course , one cannot disappoint . She ignored a wireworm however , and I had to despatch it myself . Maybe they taste bitter . I haven 't tried one . Mind you , I 've never eaten a worm , either , and have no plans to . I was interested to see that they were making croquembouche on Masterchef this evening - and shocked to see Michel Roux blithely using a mould to shape it . That wasn 't what it said in the Cordon Bleu book . Very much the easy way out . I gave myself the severest of burns when I first made croquembouche , when I was fourteen , by inadvertently dipping my finger in the caramel . I admit that , since then , I 've used a dab of cream as glue to help the caramel as it sets - but not a stainless steel mould like a witch 's hat ! It was interesting to observe myself , now that term is over and I have nothing to organise , that I actually went out with a notebook to discuss what is to happen in the garden and on what timescale . The Sage , I 'm sure , sometimes thinks I spend too much time on other things - but he had a brief taste of me concentrating on what goes on here , and I suspect he 'll encourage my outside interests in future . I actually did a job today ( a written one on the computer ) that I 've been meaning to do for some time , unasked for but that will be beneficial for all concerned , that has seemed far too much bother for the last six months . I evidently have rested quite enough and need something to do . Years ago , before Broadband extended to this village , Ro bought himself a computer to help him with his school work . It must have been when he was 14 and just starting his GCSE syllabus . Dial - up was already a slight bone of contention between the Sage and me . The internet connection was slow of course , and the phone line overrode it . So , if I 'd waited some minutes for a site to load and the Sage , who loves to talk on the telephone , picked up the receiver , I lost the connection even as he said " Sorry ! " and hastily put it back down again . I knew very well that the three of us wanting to use the same line would fall out badly . I 'd have been able to accommodate Ro better than the Sage , because I could do my work while he was at school , but the Sage spent a lot of time on the phone in the evenings and Ro 's room was barely within shouting distance ( this house rambles almost as much as I do ) . So I suggested that we have another phone line for Ro . We would pay the rental charge and he would pay the call bills . This saved many an argument , I 'm sure , and the arrangement lasted until we got Broadband and we were all able to use the same line concurrently . The engineer came today and said that new H & S guidelines came into operation on 1st April and he couldn 't climb the pole that he needed to get to the top of , and a cherry - picker would be needed . To start with , he said that it wasn 't accessible at all , but then the Sage worked out how it would be , so it was booked for tomorrow morning . However , the van turned up , with three men and a cherry - picker on board , at lunchtime . They had a look , but said that the junction box would out of reach - the obvious and easy way would be by ladder and that 's what was used . " Sometimes , you just have to use common sense , " the man said . Our line is no good . Al and Dilly 's , a mere 25 years old , is fine . So is Ro 's line . So he 's used that . And he says that , from now on , our Broadband connection and speed should be a lot better too . So we 're very happy about it . The other thing that happened today , the new washing machine was delivered ( second attempt ) to the flat in London . They successfully managed to get it upstairs , a beastly job I 'm sure , and in place , and the old one down again , but the hole for the pipe from the machine into the cupboard under the sink is slightly smaller than the new pipe . I have no idea why they couldn 't just enlarge it , but they couldn 't . However , my lovely tenant is willing to do it , and they have shown him how to couple it up and test it . Embarrassingly , it seems , because they couldn 't do the final fixing , I will be refunded my £ 25 installation fee , which was a massive bargain for that particular job anyway . I 'm so glad that I texted James to ask him to give them a tip each . And I think that the next time I visit the flat , I shall leave a bottle of wine for him . Still a bargain price . Can you imagine having to get in a plumber , pay his call - out , get a train to London to let him in ? I shall have to spend a great deal in John Lewis in future in conscience money , and certainly all equipment for the flats will be bought from their Brent Cross branch . They are coming tomorrow morning to check the phones again . Some wiring has been replaced , but maybe it all should be . About 12 - 15 years ago , a lightning strike fried the phone line from the telegraph pole right back to the exchange and right down to our phones , all of which had to be replaced , and our phone was off for three weeks . There is a suggestion that the damaged lines have finally given out . In the meantime , my mobile is being used as a landline substitute again , which is a blessed nuisance . I had to pull over to answer the phone three times on the way to Norwich again and once on the way back , all calls for the Sage . He , I should say , rang up to complain this morning . Later , I rang to sort it out . His call had not been down as registering a fault , so I 'm not sure what happened . He doesn 't always explain things in the most logical manner which , I 'm afraid , I have told him more than twice . Anyway , phone calls are being diverted to my phone again . We 've just had one from New Zealand . I don 't like to think what that is costing , but we don 't count the cost of friendship , hey . I think that I 've finally put the school governor work to sleep for the moment - that is , replies I 'll get to my last epistle will engender a response , but it 'll be straightforward . I 've still got write - ups from classroom visits to do , but I have all the notes . I have vague hopes of gardening between now and Easter , but not getting too worked up about it . Oh , this morning 's mini - drama was being woken up by , apparently , a gravel delivery lorry . I got up and peered out of the window and nothing was about . Then I heard loud scrabbling from the chimney . A largish bird had fallen down it . I grumpily retreated to bed for another hour , and eventually removed the chest of drawers and the sheet of board that covers the fireplace , and left the window open , all but one curtain drawn and the door closed . Later , I went back and a dove was sitting in the fireplace , but it flew up the chimney , stupid bird . Later again , I heard a racket from the bedroom and went to find it flying about . I couldn 't chivvy it to the window , so opened the other window and waved my arms a bit , and eventually the stupid bird flew out . The chimney pot is 6 foot tall , it 's no easy matter to cap it . I couldn 't sleep last night , the usual result of an early ( 11pm ) night - why do I never learn ? and it occurred to me that gently stroking my eyelid might send the lens downward . It didn 't . And , after a while , it further occurred to me that I might make it inflamed , so I stopped . I went to the early service , came home , cooked the Sage and me poached eggs and I came to sit down and check emails . I peered into a mirror , lifting my eyelid , and there was my lens ! It slid out easily , undamaged , as was my eye * . I put it to clean for an hour - because I was due to play the organ at the next service , and have to wear a lens for that . Yes , I will buy a new pair of glasses . I tried my old ones , but I seem to have dropped and driven on them once too often , and they are decidedly misshapen , and very scratched , and no good at all . I had some fairly vital documents to deal with , but I 've done that and now feel that I can relax . I 've got quite a lot to do , but nothing to worry about . It 's a great relief not to have deadlines looming . Apart from the party , that is . I 'm afraid you 're all going to be sadly disappointed by my vegetable garden , which seems not to be happening this year . However , at least , the next plan is to do a proper invitation with a link to my email so that I can send you my address . I 'm so looking forward to seeing you - well , some of you - that is , I 'm looking forward to seeing everyone that can come , and very sorry that not all of you can . But if you 're hesitating , I assure you that lots of us won 't have met each other before and that blogmeets are fun and not intimidating at all , although everyone * * will feel a bit nervous . But that means that we 're all at an equal disadvantage , so it 's all right . Broadband has been up and down like a tart 's drawers , and the telephone has gone down again , so I 'll have to phone the service people tomorrow unless it 's magically put itself right again . Fortunately , the Sage has made and received all sale - related calls , so it 's not too vital for the next few days . And there 's always the iPhone . It has been a very pleasant and relaxing day . The Sage has spent much of it on the phone , giving sale results to sellers , commission - bid buyers and friends . Weeza stayed overnight , with Zerlina next door with her cousins , and we all had a late breakfast together . Mid - morning , Phil arrived on his bike - he 'd gone down to Ipswich last night to meet up with friends from where he used to work , and stayed overnight with one of them about 20 miles from here . They all went off about noon , little z already rubbing her eyes and looking sleepy , as did Barry Bear who was snuggling up to her . I slept myself this afternoon . It was lovely . I stretched out on the sofa in the sunshine and napped for twenty minutes or so . I 'd have slept longer , but the phone rang . I 'd phoned a friend of mine earlier on , in fact . I 'd heard yesterday , from mutual friends , that she is in hospital . When I saw her a couple of weeks ago , she was waiting for an x - ray . She 'd been to the doctor because she was in pain and could hardly walk . He thought it was a groin strain and she waited for it to get better , then went to a physiotherapist who thought it wasn 't a strain and thought it might be an arthritic hip . The pain can come on very suddenly . She went back to the doctor - she could hardly walk , and not without a stick - and he booked the x - ray , although he still didn 't think it was arthritis . It took a fortnight for her to get it , and the morning after , her doctor rang her . " I 'm sending an ambulance , " he said . " You 've been walking around with a broken hip ! " She has no idea how she did it , though she does remember stumbling and turning her ankle - still , quite a shock to find that something so trivial can result in a broken bone and a replacement hip . Unfortunately , she then developed a blood clot and now is on Warfarin and not allowed out of hospital until they 're sure she 's over that . She lives alone since her husband died , so will have to go to a convalescent home until she can look after herself . She was in high good humour when I phoned , and told me all this without a hint of self - pity . The final straw , she chuckled , was when she developed an itch on her leg and they said she has shingles to boot . " I 'm being fed calcium tablets for my bones - I 've never had such marvellously strong nails ! " she told me . I said I 'll call in and see her on Monday . I 've been remembering a couple of occasions when dogs of ours got grass seeds behind their eyes . In each case , a long rye grass seed head vanished completely , and was only discovered when it started to poke out again . They were much bigger and jagged foreign bodies , and yet seemed to do the dog no harm at all . My contact lens hasn 't reappeared , but is certainly still there as I can feel it , but my eye isn 't red or inflamed . If it doesn 't come out by Monday morning , I 'll go to the optician . I expect it will , though . I mean , it hasn 't anywhere else to go . Unless I blow my nose , of course . It 's been the oddest day . I can 't really tell you about the morning , but something cropped up urgently around 9 . 30 that meant that it was just as well that I 'd got well sorted in auction preparations the previous night , at a time when my eyesight , co - ordination and concentration were barely up to it , because I suddenly found myself with a lot of extra work to do . However , I got it done . I don 't think that I 've let anything go so far , although there is still more to do . Deadline is Thursday . I 'll be done well before then . Weeza came over during the morning and then to Lowestoft with us in the late morning . We were set up for the sale in time to stop for lunch . I 'd made a lot of rolls , filled with ham , salt beef or cheese and tomato or cucumber , and the rest of the food was unashamed junk . The shopping is slightly embarrassing , I buy a load of crisps , biscuits , cakes , soft drinks , that normally never darken the door . But we need fuel that 's easy to eat and drink and gives quick energy , and that 's that . All went fine during the view and the sale , I don 't need to go through it all . I 'm pleased to say that Weeza managed a decent nap in the bar during the afternoon , and I rested for a while and ate enough - years ago , I kept working through and then found myself getting dizzy . Not good , when you 're handling thousands of pounds - worth of china that doesn 't belong to you . Ever since , I have eaten regularly and rested when possible . But around 5 pm , a problem developed . My eyes must have become quite dry , and when I blinked , my contact lens ( I only use one ) blinked to the back and didn 't return . It was okay , I was fine with short sight and only distance was difficult . However , it 's still there , at the back of my eyeball . I tried various things to bring it back , then and since getting home , and it hasn 't worked yet , Since the only way of getting professional assistance is to get someone to drive me to A & E , over half an hour away , wait for several hours and then undergo an unpleasant procedure , I will wait for it to shift . It will . But I 'm mightily fed up . If it 's sore in the morning , I don 't need to wear a lens , I don 't need to drive and can manage without otherwise . I can drive without , but that 's borderline and it 's better to be sure of the right side . Still unwinding , darlings . Years ago , I could be excited all evening , get home , go to bed and sleep at once . Not now . I have to relax first . But it 's fine , I allow for it . 85 % capacity gives an allowance . Don 't plan 100 % . Keep capacity in hand . It occurs to me that * of course * you 'll want to know about our latest project . Our drive is 100 metres or so long , or maybe 100 yards , I haven 't measured , and then it forks around the small lawn , meeting up in a wider area by the two houses and several outbuildings . This latter area is gravelled and the rest covered with tarmac ( whilst there may be no nouns that can 't be verbed , I couldn 't decide on the correct spelling of the past tense of ' to tarmac ' ) . It is at least 40 years since this was last top - dressed , and for the past 25 has had a Calor Gas lorry driving on it regularly , which is slightly wider than the present drive . Then there are tree roots that have lifted it in places , and we agreed last summer that we needed to get it redone . The heavy frosts of last winter were the clincher . Whilst we 're about it , we 'll widen it a bit . Partly to make it better for larger vehicles and partly because we 've got absurdly little parking , considering the space there is . A few years ago , I tackled a very overgrown hedge around the lawn and took out a lot of it , including a very thick , tall laurel hedge and some long - dead hawthorn which was surrounded by scrubby lilac - I was sorry to lose the lilac , but there was more on the South side of the lawn . The plan had been to incorporate these areas into the lawn , but grass has never had a chance to grow because the chickens scratch it out . So , instead , we 're incorporating those parts into the gravelled area . Jamie , our new gardener , has a nephew and a brother - in - law ( not father and son ) who will do the job , each having their own business . The first part is to clear the edges of the drive ready for widening . Then we need a foundation for the gravel or tarmac to go on . We are putting in edging so that the grass doesn 't come back on to the drive . The end of the drive is also an issue , where it meets the road . There is a drain with a soakaway , but there used to be three flowering cherries , which the Sage 's parents put in to commemorate their 40th wedding anniversary in 1967 . Over the years , the roots grew into and cracked the drain , and also the soakaway didn 't have a trap for debris to fall into , so it 's always easily blocked . The trees are gone for some years - one died and the others were not going to be far behind . That will all have to be dealt with at the same time . Here are a few pictures . The rough grass at the base of the wall is going to be a flower bed . There had been an umbrella pine which was cut down a while ago and now we 're digging the stump out . The final photo shows where the gas tanker has encroached on the verge and broken up the tarmac . I 'll have to tell you about last night another day , I 'm going to bed soon and I 'm too tired to write . It all went well today , except that they decided that a third person was needed to get the washing machine up the stairs , so I 've had to make another appointment . The very pleasant chap on the phone said he couldn 't do a two - hour slot for a three - man appointment , so it would be between 7am and 3pm . I said I had a two and a half hour trip and he very kindly has booked it for 10 . 30 - 3 instead . However , I 've just had a text from my tenant , and he is offering to be home on Tuesday so I don 't have to be there at all . That is enormously kind of him and I 'll take him up on the offer . It was a beautiful day , warm and sunny . The courtyard at the V & A was delightful - if you haven 't been there , there 's a large , shallow pool in a grassed courtyard , and people are allowed to paddle . One little girl , fully clothed , was completely immersed and having a great time . I haven 't been there for several years , and the jewellery gallery is new since I was last there . Very impressive , whole lots of bling ! Our timed entry to the Aesthetic Movement exhibition was too late for me , I had to get on to the appointment at the flat , but fortunately someone else was happy to take my ticket , so I 'll be reimbursed . I said to the friend who organised the visit , let me know if it 's something I shouldn 't miss and I 'll go again another time . I had a long time to wait at the station , a couple of hours - I was already getting tired and couldn 't be bothered to go anywhere else , so fetched my pre - booked ticket from the machine , read the paper , went and got some food and just waited . The train left on time , but was delayed by a freight train running late and we had to slow down several times , with the result that we were nearly 15 minutes late getting back . No one 's fault , but it was the last straw to my tired back . Still , James ' text has cheered me up . And the Sage made me coffee . The phone is not repaired , but this is not the fault of the repair man , a cheerful chap named Mitchell . It was very lucky , because I should have been out all day but I 'd received several phone calls on my mobile for the Sage ( which I wasn 't able to take ) and so I popped home at lunchtime to tell him about them and ask him to ring back . He wasn 't there , but while I was , the BT van arrived and I was able to let Mitchell in the house . As I didn 't have long to spare , I went next door to ask Al if he could come through , ready to lock up when the job was done . I was quite surprised to arrive home again a couple of hours later to find him still there . It turns out that the box inside the house needs to be replaced , which he 's done , the line across the field is in poor condition and there is also a fault on the junction box in the lane the other side of the field . He will have to come back tomorrow with ladders and more equipment to finish the repair . The Sage is taking me to Norwich but will be back before 8 o ' clock , so that 's all right , and he won 't need to work inside the house much of the time anyway . The internet has been up and down again , but so it has been at the school two miles away , so I doubt we 're the only ones . I 've had a lovely time tonight , but I 'll tell you about that tomorrow because it 's late and I 'm going to bed in a minute . What I will tell you is our other good news , that I mentioned a week or two back as a possibility and a hope - that we have a gardener . This is someone we have very much wanted to work for us for a long time , but it relied on him deciding to become self - employed . He mentioned the likelihood a couple of weeks ago and we immediately offered him two days a week . He will probably want to do some winter seasonal work , but that 's okay with us - we 'd honour the two days all year round , but don 't really need it all winter . This will be an enormous help to us , the garden and grounds are far more than we can manage and he doesn 't mind what he turns his hand to and will do any odd jobs or anything we need . It 's brilliant , and he 's a really good friend too . We 've been to each other 's birthday parties , he and his wife were guests at Weeza 's wedding , and he 's someone we would turn to if in trouble . Most recently , it was he we asked to help us dig Tilly 's grave . That sort of true and practical friend . I thought of this because a friend enthused , by text , about his first taste of venison today . I enjoy venison too , but I never tasted it while my father was alive . He couldn 't bear it , and for a perfectly good reason . At his school , near Perth , venison was a regular addition to the winter menu . The local laird , generously , used to send deer as a gift , and the headmaster liked it high . It was hung for quite some time , and apparently the school reeked of strong meat by the time it came to be cooked . My father never developed a taste for it , and never ate it again . The Sage , similarly , has had a lifetime aversion to celery . His headmaster loved celery soup and a great deal of the vegetable was grown in the school kitchen garden . You would hardly think that celery would influence someone 's tastes that badly , but the Sage never puts any on his plate . I do use it in soups and casseroles , but always judiciously so that the flavour does not predominate , and he likes my cooking , so he accepts it quite graciously . I don 't think I 've got any food hang - ups . My mother hated parsnips with a passion , but I don 't . I had a bad experience with jugged hare once and have never tried it since , but I suspect that was the cook rather than the hare at fault . When young , I wasn 't fond of gin , but I grew out of that a long time ago . I 'm not thrilled by cooked bananas , but that doesn 't mean I can 't eat them . I deal with offal , stinky cheese and interesting flavours with enthusiasm , although I 'm not altogether enamoured of the more snot - like consistency of some Chinese food , particularly the soups . Still , nothing I can 't handle . I have no idea why my internet connection returned of its own accord when the phone still doesn 't work , but I 'm glad it did . At least I 've been able to email out all the papers I actually had worked on , but it was probably assumed I was making excuses about . I don 't do that - if I haven 't done the work I say so . Although I usually have , if a bit last - minute . Mind you , my definition of last - minute isn 't really right up to the wire . i plan a day in hand for unexpected problems , and I include a few intentions that I know can be jettisoned if necessary . It helps , of course , that I have extremely low standards , so that I 'm quite satisfied with a level of doneness that probably would be the starting point for most people . We had a very jolly meal together , all eleven of us , to celebrate Al 's birthday yesterday , Weeza 's tomorrow and Mothers ' Day today . I haven 't felt tired in the least and my cold suddenly left me this evening , so I 'm going to put yesterday 's lassitude down to not breathing properly for several days . I should say , I hardly ever feel in the least ill - the occasional cold or whatever excepted - and am lucky enough to be really healthy , as is the Sage . The last year has been wonderful for me and I 've appreciated every day since my hip operation . It was only once I recovered from it that I realised for how long it had held me back , particularly in the final year or so when I was aware of every step I took and its discomfort . Even so , I was grateful that it was just physical wear to a replaceable joint , not illness and not something I had to bear forever . So take no notice if I whinge , I don 't really mean it . I 'm sorry , I 'm terribly dull tonight . I shall try to sparkle tomorrow . Um . Okay . Goodnight , darlings . I 'll have to backdate this to before midnight again . Whoops . Time for bed . I 'm not sure what went awry today . I woke up and lay feeling tired for a while , then the Sage brought me a cup of tea and said he was going out , I fell asleep again and resurfaced to find it was ten to ten , and I was supposed to be in the church at ten o ' clock helping to make posies . Surprising how quickly you can be dressed and ready when you need to be . I considered going out without make - up until I looked in the mirror . Frankly , dreadful . I called to say hello to Gill and Andy afterwards . They have moved house , to just round the corner . This will be much better for him as it 's a bungalow and there is no step so he can get out easily . He 's walking a lot better , but needs a wheelchair to go any distance . It 's half the size of their last house , they 've some adjusting to do , but they won 't be short of friends dropping in ! After lunch , I was exhausted again and slept for ages . I don 't know how long , between one and two hours . I have no idea why , I 've had a cold all week but there 's been nothing out of the ordinary . After that , I made cakes - butterfly buns - and we took them through to say Happy Birthday to Al . Thirty - five , blimey . The Sage misses his laptop dreadfully . He only uses it for the Internet . Without it , he is having to talk to me . But , after all these years , what more is there to say ? He was pleased about the cakes though . I 'm afraid that our Internet connection has gone down too , now . So I 'm reduced to the phone on a slow connection . A lot of websites aren 't very geared up to mobile phone use and it takes a long time to get anything done . I have really been quite frustrated and felt rather the fool of April . Still , happy birthday to my friends Avril and Jo , neither of whom is likely to read this , and things improved this evening when I went out with Al , Dilly and Squiffany to a fundraiser at the village school . We had a good time ( you may work out from the heading the sort of evening it was , perhaps ? ) and I won an Easter egg and Squiff won a chocolate cow and some Body Shop fripperies . The phone and broadband won 't be back on until Tuesday . I 've had incoming calls transferred to my mobile - my just deserts for enjoying peace and quiet , I suppose . The company I use has much better reception than the Sage 's here , which I hadn 't realised when I took out his contract , so it makes sense for my phone to be used . I shall be sweet and adorable and leave it with him , if possible , when I 'm out . I may not be visiting much , however , as a consequence . Sorry , everyone . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
Here 's to your health America . Health care , political and tax reform ideas . Business and Economic thoughts . Improving our nation together , in the tradition of our nation 's founders ; with style , and for ALL the people ! ( BFF ) Do you ever feel like your life is a movie and you 're just moving through it ? It 's more like you 're watching it , than living it , and you just wonder what 's going to happen next , or how it 's going to end . That 's the way it 's been for me , for years . A therapist once told me it 's called ' clinical depression . ' I just call it sad and lonely . At 26 it 's rough not to have anybody . My parents have passed on . Most of my family lives far away , and it 's kind of a small family anyway . My girlfriend just broke up with me , though she really didn 't want to . She 's a wonderful girl actually ; sweet and giving and beautiful . After going together for a few years , she just felt I wasn 't any closer to being able to commit . I 'm sure she 's right . I have trouble doing anything . If I lived in an earlier time , back before computers , I probably wouldn 't even be able to feed and clothe myself . I design computer games . I started when I was 16 years old , reviewing them on gaming sites , and then it turned out I had an aptitude to build them from scratch . Gee , a geek who can 't commit . How appealing . It 's not that I can 't make friends ; I just don 't make a lot of them . I don 't think I had many friends in elementary school . I had a pretty good friend in high school . His name was Richard and we were going to start a digital gaming business together . That was before he died of an opportunistic infection after contracting HIV AIDS . I know I shouldn 't just be walking around the streets of Brooklyn pitying myself , but I do it a lot . Walking around and thinking is all I do in my free time , and I think the walking around makes me feel better , but the thinking brings me back to worse . I miss my girlfriend . She really was the best thing to ever happen to me . I don 't know why I have so much trouble committing . The thought of getting engaged makes me so nauseous , I 'm sure I 'd throw up all over her if I tried to slip a ring on her finger - - - which might , quite possibly , kill the moment . Thinking about all of this , I was overcome by sadness and I sat down on the curb and did my best not to cry . If you live , work , or have visited Brooklyn , you 're probably thinking it 's not a very good idea to sit down on a curb and be so low you won 't be visible to cars . You 'd be right , which is why I was about to get hit by a car that was going way too fast pulling into the parking spot where I was sitting . " Hey , look out ! " A little boy cried out as he jumped off the curb next to me , and pulled me up , and we both put our hands up towards the car . The car hit its brake and shook violently to a stop . " That guy needs new shocks . " The kid said , looking at me . I stood up , and we both stepped back onto the curb , and started walking away together as the guy in the car was sticking his head out of his window , trying to park while at the same time cursing at us . " Thanks kid ! " I said . " I don 't know if you saved my life , but I suspect you saved a part of it anyway . " I smiled as I looked down at the kid . I 'm not good at judging ages , but I figured he was about seven or eight . He had a round head with a buzz cut , a chubby round body and cute little stubby hands . He wore a faded red striped T - shirt and a pair of old looking jeans . The shirt looked a little light for a crisp fall day like today . " I 'm Alan . " I responded . Something about this kid seemed very familiar . Maybe that he vaguely looked like Charlie Brown . Even the name - - - Georgie - - - Charlie - - - maybe that 's why even his name seemed familiar . You don 't really meet a lot of Georgies , do you ? " Oh , I 'm sorry Georgie . " " Me too . I sure miss them . I miss not having a friend too . I live with my grandma . She 's real nice , but she 's old and sick and she tells me she won 't be able to take care of me much longer and I 'll have to go live in foster care . That 's where you go live with someone else 's family . " Georgie explained . " Wow , you 're old ! " Georgie exclaimed . " But you still remind me of my best friend in first grade , right before the fire , and before I had to leave that school . " " Oh yeah … I wasn 't sure what you meant . " Georgie said a little dazed . He must still be in shock from all the terrible things that recently happened . " Where does your grandmother live ? " " I like to take walks . " Georgie responded . I was starting to get worried that he was a runaway . " I like to take walks too . Why don 't I walk you home ? " I asked , getting ready to counter his vague excuses . " Then let 's go have some . I know a nice place on 18th Ave . " We started to walk and we started to talk . Georgie liked everything I did when I was his age , and truthfully I still like a lot of it now . He likes the old arcade games , he likes chess and he likes to watch science fiction movies . He loves pizza . He 's practically a little ' me ' . When we were done with the pizza I looked at my watch I realized it had been three hours since I first met Georgie . Truthfully , it was the most fun I 've had since I broke up with Mary . But I didn 't know if his grandmother was getting worried . All she needed to do was call the police and say he was missing , and when they found the six - year - old hanging out with the single 26 - year - old guy , I 'd end up spending the night in jail trying to prove I 'm not a weirdo . " Aww , " he gave a dejected moan , " Can we play again ? " " Sure . I have some free time tomorrow . I can meet you at your grandma 's house after school , about 3 : 30 . " " I 'm free ! " Georgie smiled , very excited at the prospect . We walked to his grandma 's house and stood outside the front gate . I offered to walk him inside , but he said his grandma wasn 't used to strangers and he should let her know about me first . Then right before he went through the gate , he said something unexpected . " Did you ever think of taking a foster son ? " I looked at him and for the first time a kid made my heart melt . " I don 't think they give little boys to single guys , " I said . I meant to smile like it was a little bit of a joke , but it didn 't come out that way , because I honestly felt a little sad about it . " Maybe you won 't always be single . You said you really miss Mary . I bet she really misses you too . I know she does . If you decide it 's time to grow up , maybe you two can get married , and you could both take me in . " He smiled a little smile , and then went into the gate and started walking to the front door . I turned to leave , and then realized I should wait to make sure everything was okay , but when I turned back he must 've already gone inside . I went home thinking about how strongly I felt about this little boy , and how much I missed Mary . That night I had a disturbing dream . I was with Georgie in an old house , but it was not any house I lived in , and it didn 't seem to me to be his grandmother 's house either . There was a figure ahead of us wearing a hooded robe . It stuck out a hand , I think for me to shake it . Its hand and exposed forearm were a sickly blue color , with green patches , and red swollen sores all over . I did not touch it , and I pushed Georgie behind me . I said to the figure , " I thought no one was living here . " And it replied , " There is no one living here . " It let out a maniacal laugh as it held up a large wooden stick match . A flame burst out of the end , and then I heard a scream behind me . I turned to Georgie and he was as pale as a ghost , but instead of wearing his striped shirt , he was now in a fine brown suit with a white shirt and brown bow tie . He said " We shouldn 't have come here . " Then I felt a cold hand grab my shoulder and - - - I jumped awake in my bed . The next day I couldn 't believe how much I was looking forward to the afternoon , when I would be able to see Georgie again . He was one of those people , hard to explain , you feel like you 've known them a long time , and even more than that , you feel like you 've liked them a long time , like they 're already your friend . I picked up some cookies at a local bakery , but when I got to his grandma 's house Georgie was sitting outside on the steps . " Oh . " I said . " Then who 's going to eat all these cookies ? " Georgie smiled and I ripped open the box , and as we started walking away from the house we both grabbed some cookies . A little later we were sitting in the park , still eating cookies , and talking about whether we might like to go bowling , when I asked Georgie , " What exactly is your grandma 's name ? " " Because I really do need to meet her . I can 't just keep hanging out with a six - year - old without anybody knowing , and giving me permission . And when I meet her , I don 't really want to stick out my hand , " which I did for emphasis , " and say hello Georgie 's grandma , nice to meet you . " Georgie laughed and said " Edna McDaniel . " " Thank you . " We were leaving the park when I realized Georgie was wearing the same shirt as the other day . It worried me as to whether things were worse at home than he said and maybe his grandmother was too sick to take care of him , and he wasn 't telling anyone for fear he would be taken away . I leaned in to sniff his shirt but there was no odor at all . " No . This is my favorite shirt . She washes it every night for me , and then complains that I can 't keep going out of the house dressed like this . " Georgie seemed annoyed so I dropped the subject since I didn 't see any reason to continue . " A ghost - but not just any ghost - Charlie Brown , like in his comic and cartoon . Lots of holes for the face , so it looks stupid ! " Georgie grinned . " Cool ! Good one . " I smiled . " My grandma can 't walk enough to take me trick or treating , and I don 't have many friends , so I 'm not sure I really need to dress up . What about you ? " He asked . " A few years ago I was invited to a costume party , and I made an entire outfit with rubber rats sewn all over it , holes ripped all through it and blood stains everywhere - - - a rat attack . I haven 't worn it in years , but I will dig it out - - - if you will let me go trick or treating with you ! " Georgie 's face lit up as I said it . I dropped Georgie off at home . We agreed to meet the next day - - - Halloween - - - at his house after school . He also said I could meet his grandmother after we trick or treated , if she was up to it . He said I couldn 't meet her now , because he didn 't know how she was feeling since returning from the doctor . On the walk home I made some decisions . Though I knew it was crazy that a six - year - old was helping me work out my life , Georgie was right , I needed to decide to grow up . I would try to work things out with Mary because I really did love her , and miss her , and want to be with her . I also needed to see what was going to happen to Georgie . Mary and I were not yet in a position to say if we would ever to be able to adopt Georgie , since technically we still weren 't even a couple , and Mary didn 't know about any of this ! But it seemed to me that maybe I could get a better sense of what was going on and how much time I had , if I spoke to Georgie 's grandmother . Perhaps we could work out an informal arrangement if she were comfortable and trusted me , where I could take responsibility for him periodically to help her out and give her a break . Maybe that could extend the amount of time she could remain his primary caretaker , until I was in a better position to take him . That night I had another bad dream . Mary and I were living in a house with Georgie . The house looked old , or at least the appliances and furniture looked old - fashioned . There was a knock at the door and suddenly I realized that a fierce thunderstorm was raging . Mary opened the door and screamed . I called her name as I ran to her , to see what happened , but there was no one at the door . She said that when she opened it , there had been a horrible hooded figure at the door , but she momentarily turned away when I called her name , and when she looked back , it was gone . We decided to check on Georgie , who was supposed to be sleeping . We went to his room and opened the door and Georgie was gone . All that was on his bed was the wet robe of the hooded figure . Then , again , I felt an icy hand on my shoulder . I jumped up awake in a cold sweat . My heart was pounding as I looked at the clock and it was a little after midnight - officially Halloween - - - and I officially scared the crap out of myself ! Mary and I met for breakfast , and it was really wonderful . Mary wasn 't with anyone else yet , she was just busy missing me . We agreed to give me - and us - one more chance . Afterwards , I went off to meet with Georgie 's grandmother . I decided it was better for Georgie if I spoke with her before he got home , and without him knowing , just in case it didn 't go well . When I got to the house a middle aged woman answered the door . " That 's true . Is that who you 're looking for ? " " Yes , an older lady , Georgie 's grandmother . I didn 't realize this is a two - family house . " " It 's not . We 're the Anderson 's , the only owners and residents . But the name Edna McDaniel does sound familiar . Let me call my husband at work . He 's better with these things . " She left me standing on the outside steps , which I could not blame her , because she didn 't know me , and then returned a few minutes later . " Of course , as soon as my husband told me I couldn 't believe I forgot , but it was years ago . Edna McDaniel was the previous owner of this house . Her family sold it when she got very ill . I think she went to a nursing home , or perhaps she moved in with her family . " " I see , thank you . " I left and went home to my computer . I started to search the internet for Edna McDaniel of Brooklyn . I could only find one and it didn 't seem likely , unless Georgie had been lying to me about almost everything . That now appeared to be a realistic possibility . I decided to seek this Edna McDaniel out and see what I could learn . She wouldn 't tell me much , because she was buried in Greenbriar Cemetery , on the other side of Brooklyn . As I drove to the cemetery I tried to figure out why Georgie would lie . Was he really living with his family , and the entire story was a lie ? Or did he run away from home , and is he living on the streets , and making believe he lives with his grandmother - - - just to have a convenient story while he tries to find someone to adopt him ? I couldn 't know for sure , but if this was the right Edna McDaniel , I was hoping I would learn more from the cemetery office , or maybe get some other family names off the family plot , and seek out further information from there . I realized I never asked Georgie his last name , but if it was McDaniel , I couldn 't find him on the internet . The cemetery office staff , due to privacy concerns , wouldn 't give me any information about the family names , or ownership of the plot , where Edna McDaniel was buried . They did however give me directions to the actual grave , so I could see for myself . Died in 1992 ? Maybe this was not the right person . It made no sense . I started to look at the other graves in the family plot . I was desperate to find any information to make this clear ; either family names I could track down , or something that told me this was not the right woman . The grave right next to hers , gave me something : Icy fingers caressed my sides , and dug into my brain , as I read that over and over . Surely this was a mistake , or this kid has been pretending to be someone he 's not … . I started to run through all the possibilities in my head , when something began to nag at the very edge of my consciousness - - - just as I looked at my watch , and realized it was getting late . I had to go meet Georgie . I was standing near the house Georgie said was his grandmother 's , when he came skipping down the street , dressed in his little ghost costume . I knew it was him because the face had about 10 holes cut into it , just like he had said it would . He ran over when he saw me , pulling up the sheet and smiling : " You 're early ! " He said . His smile faded when he realized I was not in my costume , and he saw the expression on my face . " What 's the matter ? " He asked , with a look more of fear than of concern . " I visited your grandmother today . Oh , not the woman who lives in this house , though she steered me in the right direction . I saw everything . But still I was confused , until it all flooded back on the drive home . I can 't believe myself , I 'm so ashamed , please forgive me . How could I not remember my best friend in first grade ? And you were just about my only friend too . That is , until you died in that fire … the only one of your family that didn 't get out . " " No ! Why did you have to do this ? You didn 't remember ! I thought we could be together . You 've ruined everything ! " Georgie began to cry , as he yelled . He seemed to be turning red from his anger , and screaming , and the air began to fill with a strange and unpleasant odor . " I don 't think I forgot , really , I guess I just blocked it out . It was such a terrible thing . And there wasn 't a lot of closure . You disappeared from school , and my mother said our telephone calls weren 't getting through at your end . Then they announced it over the school loudspeaker , after your funeral was already over . I never got to say goodbye . " Tears were running down my cheeks now . " I waited … I waited so long until you wouldn 't remember , but you would also be able to be with me . I tried so hard to get back to everyone . " Georgie moaned , as his tears subsided . " My sister saw me when I first tried , but instead of being happy - - - she was so upset she was put in the hospital . They gave her medicine for seeing things like me - - - and she still takes it , even though she hasn 't seen me in over 15 years ! " Georgie shook his head , as he turned an even deeper shade of crimson . " Oh Alan … I just wanted to play with you again … . " The air around us started to get very hot , and smoke started rising off Georgie . His skin started to blister , but instead of crying out , he just started to cry … and I continued to cry … . It was a horrible sight as his flesh blackened and shriveled , but we just stared into each other 's eyes , and as I realized he was starting to fade away , and the awful tableau was almost over , ending with him showing me how his life had ended those 20 years ago , I said ; " Goodbye Georgie , my first and best friend . " And though he was just about completely gone , I heard a faint whisper in my ear , " Goodbye Alan , my last and best friend too . " Another excerpt from " Join the Club " " Damn it . " He muttered , " Don 't come any closer , I 'm armed . " He called into the darkness as he knelt down and started to feel around for the lantern . He found it , but could feel that the battery compartment had opened on impact . He felt one of the ' D ' batteries was in there , but the other must have popped out . He started to feel around in the darkness for it along the floor , but screamed when his hand felt a cold piece of flesh that moved at his touch . Alan fell over backwards and started crawling and scrambling away from the spot , leaving the lantern behind . It felt like a bare foot , but it was so cold , and if those were toenails , they were awfully long and sharp . It must be one of the club members ! Probably wearing some stupid plastic Halloween costume foot . Alan was sure of this , as he quickly crawled back towards his unpacked stuff , trying to find his flashlight so he could see what was going on , and find the lost battery . You can find the entire story , plus 17 others , here : Not From Around Here " Well , for two reasons : One , we made a pact among the members . The reason we made the pact is once we join the club , we do everything we can to not be like everyone else . I 'm not like other girls , and I promise you we could have a good time like you would never have with any other girl , but you need to join the club . I 'm sorry to be so abrupt and demanding , but we only can arrange very few pledge nights , and one of those very few is tomorrow ; Halloween . " Jessica looked into Alan 's eyes , almost pleadingly . " We prefer special places under special circumstances . Everything has to be right , including the atmosphere . It 's all about the show , right ? ! " Jessica leaned into Alan and gave him another deep kiss and he pulled her tighter and wrapped his hands around her and started to rub her , over those very tight jeans . Moments later , he broke away from her to say : " Let 's do this . " " Great ! Do you know Overlook Street ? " " Yes , though it 's really just a big house . You know , it 's never been sold since the murders . No one 's lived there in so many years , " Jessica mentioned . " Yeah , I remember reading about it . Something about two drug addled vagrants , sneaking in . " As Alan said that he started to remember the things he had read and heard . The two homeless men broke into the house to rob it , but for some reason while the family slept , they killed them all ; the parents , the daughter , her younger brother , the wife 's mother and the husband 's , adult autistic brother . They were particularly gruesome murders . The men said they were trying to hide everything , and some body parts were never found , including the adult brother 's head . Then Alan asked ; " What happened to the murderers ? I don 't remember hearing if they were ever caught ? " My new book , Not From Around Here , is published ! Find it on Amazon Kindle , as a Paperback at Amazon , or through a bookstore near you . Still working to reform health care , advocate for challenged individuals , and improve the medical provider / patient experience for those challenged by mental illness . All writing on this blog is copyrighted by the author , and may only be shared for personal use . It may not be reproduced elsewhere , and should be properly attributed to the writer and this blog , when shared or quoted . ( c ) Copyright 2006 . ( c ) Copyright 2007 . ( c ) Copyright 2008 . ( c ) Copyright 2009 . ( c ) Copyright 2010 . ( c ) Copyright 2011 . |
You know you work a lot of hours when you get your paycheck for the week you were sick , and you still have more than 50 hours on it . Suffice to say , I work a lot - - and I mean a lot - - of hours . The good thing is , this year , I won 't have those major outlays like I did last year . You know , paying off my son 's college tuition . Cutting down a huge old tree . That sort of thing . That means I can spend my money buying things I want . First thing I bought was the last shower curtain masquerading as a closet door . This one for Cody 's room . I only went over to that department to look for a curtain rod . While I was there , i figured might as well check out the shower curtains , too . I found this one that goes perfectly with what I 'm trying to do in that room . Now , I just need to find him some curtains - - actual window curtains for his actual windows - - and that room will be pretty much done , except for hanging things on his wall . I 'm thinking of making a run up to Batesville to Lowe 's after work tomorrow , or maybe Sunday afternoon . They 're having a pretty good sale on garden stuff , and I can look at the curtains they have while I 'm at it . Maybe . If I can get moving , that is . Back when I was a kid , my Mammaw always bought us Peeps at Easter . I never really liked them that much , but I always ate them anyway . Because Mammaw bought them . I 've carried that tradition on into my adulthood . Each year , I buy one package of Peeps and eat it , for my Mammaw . Since I was in the store already , I headed towards the Easter candy aisle , and thought , " Might as well buy the Peeps and get that over with . " When I got there , I found this package of Peeps with a plush Peep toy . I picked it up and thought to myself , " If I buy this , I 'll never have to eat another Peep again . " So , I bought it . Now , every time I see that Peep , I will think of my Mammaw and how she always bought Peeps for us . And my final purchase of the day . And some in my front yard . Where there aren 't any trees . We had to have had some pretty stout winds to blow those branches there . On the way to work , I saw lots of twigs and leaves down , and I heard there was a tree down west of town , but no major damage . At least , none that I 've heard of . A lot of people were without power , but I didn 't lose mine . Thank goodness for that . I got some more news on my coworker who was arrested yesterday . Turns out it wasn 't for selling drugs after all . Turns out he is a murder suspect in Memphis . I found an article in the local paper about it . I tried to search in one of the Memphis papers ' website , but there were too many homicide articles , and I couldn 't find it . They actually have a homicide tracker feature on the site . Wow , it makes me glad I live in a small town . I mean , there are murders here , but not that often . Not multiple murders each day . Well , that was my excitement for today . Yesterday , I was out in my yard . I wanted to mow before the storms hit . On a whim , I decided to check the pecan tree , and I saw buds ! You know what that means ? I can plant ! I think I 'm going to put some French Marigolds in this weekend . Just the one bed , though , so I can cover it up if I need to . Yee haw ! I 'm so excited ! As I was debating whether to buy it , I looked in the right sidebar and it said , " Order within the next three minutes and get it by Wednesday " . That was all it took for me to hit the Buy With 1 - Click button . All day long , I was anxiously awaiting the end of the day , so I could rush home and play with my wax seal . But what to seal ? I didn 't want to just drip it on paper , so I had the idea of signing , then sealing up a bunch of Christmas cards . That 's what I did . Yeah , it 's going to take a bit of practice to get it down . The main thing is figuring out how much wax to melt , and getting the stamp centered . Other than that , it 's a piece of cake , and so much fun ! I think next time , I 'll get the kind with the little spoon to melt the wax in . I think it 'll work better than the kind with the wick . At least you don 't get ashes in your seals . I 'm already looking to get some different stamp designs , too . Yggdrasil * came with the set , so it 's the one I got . The good news is , I may actually get Christmas cards sent this year ! Oh , we had a bit of excitement at work today . One of my coworkers got arrested at lunch . I didn 't know what had happened to him , and mentioned that he 'd left . " He didn 't leave , " the lady I was talking to said , " He got busted ! The cops nabbed him at lunch . They were waiting at the door for him . " I asked someone else what that was all about , and she said , " He got caught selling drugs on plant property . " What is wrong with people ? I mean , selling drugs is bad enough , but you can 't wait until you get off work to do it ? I have the same reaction when they catch people having sex on plant property . Seriously , what is wrong with you people ? The good news is , I 've got buds on my roses . It 's supposed to rain tomorrow , so maybe Friday I can get out and take pictures for you . It appears that Tyr is the new Thor . Except without Thor . And the long blond locks . Or a reason to smile . . . Um , ahem , what was I saying ? Oh , yeah . . . Remember how I used to post about Thor 's Day mayhem ? Well , now it would seem the mayhem is hitting on Tyr 's Day . It all started when I got halfway across the parking lot , heading in to work , when I realized I 'd left my phone at home . Now , this isn 't that big of a deal , since I 'm not one of those people who has to check her phone every five seconds like some of my coworkers . What it did mean is that I didn 't have my Kindle app , so I couldn 't read my book during my lunch break . Without those few minutes of being able to transport to another time and place , I was totally discombobulated throughout the mayhem of the day . I won 't go into all the gory details , but at last the day finally ended . And we get to do it all again tomorrow . Yippee . Posted by Back when I moved into this house , there weren 't any doors on any of the closets . I thought that was a bit weird . I asked the seller to put them back , but they said there weren 't any doors on any of the closets when they moved in , either . Well , all right then . . . Closet doors went onto the list of things I needed to buy for the house , when I can afford them . In the meantime , I am following the advice Beverly gave me and am hanging curtains in front of the closets . This is the one I 've chosen for my bedroom . Technically , it 's a shower curtain , which was a lot cheaper than regular curtains . It already makes my room look neater not having all my closet junk out where everyone can see it . Now , all I need is to get my crown molding and baseboards installed and I 'll be done with the bedroom , for now . Well , except for hanging stuff on the walls , that is . While I was ordering , I went ahead and bought a new shower curtain for my bathroom . Just like with the bedroom , all I need is my crown molding installed and I 'll be done , except for hanging stuff on the walls , that is . I 'm going to get a shower curtain for Cody 's closet , too , but his will probably be camouflage or something that goes along with his rustic , hunting lodge theme . I would have ordered one at the same time as I ordered mine , but I was really , really tired . Speaking of being really , really tired , I seem to be developing my own peculiar dialect , which I call Really , Really Tired . For example , repptor tept means plastic wrap in Really , Really Tired . This afternoon , I came home and stoutly declared , " I 'm not afraid of my own boogers " . I have no idea what I was intending to say , but there you go . I 've long since given up trying to find an explanation for such things . The next big project will be to get my living room painted . I 'm still not quite ready to tackle all that paneling , though . I haven 't forgotten what a pain in the patooty painting my bedroom was . However , it was worth it . My room looks a lot nicer now . I 'm sure the living room will , too , when I get around to painting it . Meanwhile , I 've got things happening in my front flower bed . Two of my three dahlia bulbs are sprouting . I haven 't seen hide nor hair of the freesias , yet , though . Not that flowers have hides , or hairs , which may be why I haven 't seen any . There I go , lapsing into Really , Really Tired again . I guess I 'd better get on to bed , before it gets worse . Posted by I don 't normally post on Sundays , but I 'm going to try something new . I 'm going to start posting either a hymn or a short inspirational message . To start with , I 'm posting this hymn , which always seems to be Hymn # 1 in the Baptist Hymnal . Let 's see how long this lasts . . . Apparently , the front half of my line at work decided to have a party , but didn 't invite the four of us who showed up to work . Yes , I said four . Fully manned , the front of the line has 8 people . NOTE : There wasn 't really a party from which we were excluded . We were just being sarcastic . Based on some of my FB comments , I thought I 'd better clear that up . This will be short , because I should have been in bed an hour ago . But I 'm not . I 'm sitting here writing this post . . . why do I do this to myself ? Anyway , I wanted to tell you that I can almost move again after my adventure with my chainsaw Tuesday . My chainsaw , by the way , seems to have acquired the unfortunate name of Leatherface . Don 't ask . I 've never even seen the movie . But there you go . Be that as it may , all day Wednesday , I said to myself , " Self , when you get home from work , you are going to go out and cut a bit more wood . " But when I got home from work , my arms and my back said , " No , you aren 't . " So , I didn 't . But Wednesday was too beautiful a day to stay inside , so I got out and cut my grass . Rather , I mowed my weeds . I don 't have grass yet , just a yard full of weeds . Now , remember , I 'm doing this after getting up at 3 : 30 AM and working a 10 hour day at the factory . Wait , make that an 11 hour day , because I stayed late to help out a fellow brazer who had gotten a bit behind . By the time I was finished mowing , I was literally staggering with exhaustion trying to push my mower back to the shed , and wondering why , oh why do I do this to myself ? . Yesterday , I decided I wasn 't doing any yard work . None . At all . Sigh . I did . I stacked up the wood I 'd cut Tuesday , but that was it . That brings us to today . And I can almost move again . It still hurts to move , but I can almost do it . I 'm getting too old for all this work nonsense . Speaking of work , I had a nice surprise waiting on me when I got home this afternoon . One of my friends is knitting a sock yarn blanket similar to the ones I 'm doing . Last week , I balled up and sent her several mini skeins to add to her blanket . Today , she returned the favor . Looks like I 'll be knitting blanket squares this weekend ! And lastly , I 've completed my Gerbera Daisy collection , with the orange one . I need a pot for it , which means I 'll probably have to head up to Batesville here in the next week or so , since it looks like our Wal - mart won 't be carrying flower pots again this year . Eh , I 've been looking for an excuse to go to Lowe 's anyway . Now , if only the pecan trees will start budding so I can start planting stuff ! * That 's a bit of old Texas folklore my dad taught me , and a schoolmate recently reminded me of . Once the pecan trees start budding , there won 't be any more frosts . As my dad said , the oak and the elm may be fooled , but you can 't fool the pecan trees . Posted by I have this big pile of wood in my back yard . It 's what 's left from having my big tree cut down . I 'd asked the guy to leave me the limbs for firewood , so he did . Yes , all that wood - - even the great big pieces - - are limbs . He didn 't leave any of the trunk . There 's no way I could have handled trying to cut up that trunk . It was huge . H . U . G . E . As it is , I 'm probably going to have to ask for help with some of the larger pieces anyway . All that to say , I have this big pile of wood in my back yard . All day long , this pile of wood has been calling my name . I tried to ignore it , but it was relentless . Finally , with great angst , I drug out the old chainsaw and went to cutting it up . I was about to stop for the day when Mrs . Newman came out and asked me to cut down a couple of dead trees in her yard . Just small ones , maybe 6 inches in diameter . I went over and cut her trees down , and tossed them over the fence into my yard , to add to my pile of firewood . Mrs . Newman thanked me , and said she was going to burn the stumps down . I said I was going to go take a shower . By the time I walked back to my shed to put my chainsaw up , I was so exhausted I was literally staggering . Remember , I 'm doing all of this after getting up at 3 : 30 AM and working a 10 hour shift in the factory . It was definitely one of those What was I thinking ? moments . I 'm afraid I 'm going to have noodle arms tomorrow . That ought to make work fun . Or interesting to say the least . Other than that , it was a beautiful , albeit warm , day . The old girl really enjoyed having the windows open . At her age , there isn 't a lot left that she can enjoy . I think I may have finally found someone to get rid of all that concrete that is still in my back yard . First the tree guy was going to haul it off , but he never came and got it . Then the construction worker said he 'd come get it and haul it off with some of his other construction scrap , but he never showed up . I asked one of the maintenance guys at work , and he gave me the name and number of someone who could come bury it in the yard for me . According to Jonathan , the guy is reasonable and reliable . The only problem . . . I have to make a phone call . If you know me at all , you know what an issue that is . If you don 't , let me just say , I 've had that number for two weeks now , and still haven 't called it . That ought to tell you something right there . . . I 've been tired all day . I 'm not sure why , considering I slept pretty well last night . If you don 't count the weird dreams , that is . I dreamed I was at work , and another group leader asked me to help out in his area . After working over there for a while , I thought to myself that I needed to go get my tools from my regular work area before someone stole them . I headed back to get them , and couldn 't figure out how to get back to my brazing stand . Yes , I was lost in the plant . The plant I 've spent the majority of my waking hours for the last 21 years , and I was lost . The plant I know better than I know my own house , and I was lost . Lost . I think my dream may have been precipitated by what happened Saturday . This past weekend was the last two days of spring break , and a lot of people were out . I mean a lot of people . The group leader across the way didn 't have either of his sub - brazers show up . He had one of his line brazers trying to sub braze , and despite what ADP management seems to think , the two are not the same thing . About half an hour into the day , he hollered across to me and asked if I would come sub braze for him . I told him to clear it with Supervisor Calvin and I would . I got over there and asked the other brazer if she 'd ever sub brazed before . " No , " she said , " and I 'm so lost . " " Never fear , " I replied , " the cavalry is here . " And thus , we made it through the work day , but I had a different view all day . I told Supervisor Calvin it was like sitting on the back porch instead of the front porch . After work , I came home and thought about all the stuff I needed to do , but didn 't really want to do any of it . I spent the rest of the day watching TV . Sunday . My only full day off and I slept half the day away . Well , I slept until 8 : 30 , but after getting up at 3 : 30 all week , that feels like sleeping half a day away . Sunday afternoon , I got out and cleaned last year 's mulch and the weeds out of my flower bed , clawed my soil , and planted the two bags of bulbs I had . They didn 't take up as much room as I thought they would , so I 've got plenty of room to plant more . Mrs . Newman was working in her yard , so we chatted a bit about what we were going to plant and all . She saw my garden claw , and asked about it . I showed her how it works , and let her borrow it to turn her flower beds . When she brought it back , she said , " I love that thing ! " That 's all I 've done so far . I had to run into town after work today , and stopped by the store . I almost bought some marigolds , but decided to wait . Yes , today is the first day of spring , but there is still the chance of a late frost or freeze . Besides , I need some time to get my marigold bed ready . That won 't take long . I just need to get out and do it . I scratched my gardening itch by buying another gerbera daisy . While I was there , I bought a couple of bags of garden soil . I already have another box of that fake stone border . I 'm going to extend my front flower bed a few more feet . That ought to hold my gardening fever in check until it 's warm enough to plant . In knitting news , I finally found time to cast on my red , white , and blue project . This is the red and white part of it . The blue will come in a bit . The fun part came after I cast on the first time . I was knitting away , thinking to myself that this was some mighty thin worsted weight yarn . It was then that I checked the ball band . No wonder it was so thin . It 's not worsted weight after all . It 's DK weight . That explains a lot . I ripped it out and cast on again on smaller needles , but with more stitches . Now , we 're cooking with gas . And I 'm out of gas , so I 'm going to bed . Goodnight . Posted by I feel almost human again . I feel better today than I have in a week . I 'd stopped to chat with my coworker Edna on the way out of the plant , when Coworker Johnny stopped and said , " You got a runny nose ? " indicating my box of tissues . Edna told him I 'd been sick . Johnny said he 'd been sick , too , and from what he described , he had the same thing I did . I guess it 's going around . Since I 'm feeling better , it looks like no one is going to get my stash any time soon . Edna told me she started to comment on all that , but she didn 't want my friends to think she was a nut . I assured her , " Oh , no . You 'd fit right in with some of my friends ! " You ladies know who you are ! Hmmmm , maybe I should teach Edna to knit and she can come with us next time we get together . Which needs to be soon , right ? Right ? ? ? ? But not too soon . I 'm still kind of sick . But not really sick . Just a little sick . No need to go dividing up the stash just yet . Remember the car wreck I told you about yesterday ? I got a bit more info on it . The guy who was right behind the kid who got hit told a friend of mine , and she told me . The kid who got hit - - hereafter known as The Kid - - was driving a white car . He was in the right lane , and there was a somewhat sizeable pickup truck in the left lane blocking his view of traffic . Now , most people , when they can 't see the road , or what may be coming down it , would stop or at least slow down until they were sure the way was clear . Not The Kid . The guy behind him said he never even slowed down . He just pulled on out , right in front of the dump truck . Which hit him . Because at that point , it pretty much had no choice . When the police got there , The Kid was just standing there , flipping his keys around his finger . Now , most people , when they commit a traffic violation and have to deal with the police , the first thing they do is get out their driver 's license . Not The Kid . He just stood there , flipping his keys around his finger . The police officer asked him , " Do you have a driver 's license ? " The Kid shook his head no . The police officer then asked him , " Son , do you have any form of identification ? " The Kid brightened up , nodded , and pulled out his EMI badge . ( EMI is the temporary staffing agency the plant uses during the busy season . ) . Well , all righty , then . . . I 'm imagining he got quite a lot of citations for that little stunt . The funny thing is , I was walking across the parking lot to my car after work today , when I saw another wreck . Two in two days . This one wasn 't bad , though . I couple of ladies bumped bumpers as they were backing out of their spots . It didn 't leave any damage on either car . One lady said , " I 'm good with it if you are . " And the other lady said , " I 'm good with it if you are " . So I said , " You 've got three witnesses who heard you both say you 're good with it , so we 're all good . Let 's go home . " And that 's what we all did . That 's something else they need to change . About 8 or so years ago , they changed the rules and required us to park nose in . They said it was too dangerous to park nose out , but the truth is , I 've seen - - and had - - way more near misses since we 've had to start backing out . Another reason I hang around until the parking lot clears out . Yesterday , right before bed , I was thinking about my flower beds , and how it 's getting to be time to start working on them , and planning what to plant and all . I picked up this bag of bulbs to think about what I wanted to do with them , and noticed that they 're growing already ! In the bag , on my shelf . They 're putting out shoots . Seriously . Looks like I 'm going to have to do some planting this weekend after all . Posted by It would seem I have reached the coughing up my lungs phase of this illness I 'm dancing with . I coughed so hard at work that Supervisor Calvin came over and asked if I was OK . As if that weren 't enough , my friends have started calling dibs on my yarn stash . Jan called dibs on the sock yarn . Christi declared she is closer than Jan . Then Amy popped up and said she 's closest , but Kat the Cop said if she turns on the lights and sirens , she could beat them all here . By that time , I was laughing so hard I started coughing again . So , thank you for that . But they brought up some good points . If something were to happen , Cody would get all my stuff , but would he know what to do with the yarn ? I 'd hate for it to go to a thrift store , when I have yarnie friends who would give it a much better home . I 'll need to make provisions for it . Amy and Christi are physically closest , so they 'd probably be in charge of collecting and distributing said yarn . Now , I 'll just need to make a list of who it gets distributed to . Sheesh , I went from a head cold to deciding who gets my yarn when I 'm dead . How 'd we end up here ? OK , let 's talk about something more pleasant . We had a bit of excitement after work . See , we have two lanes to exit the employee parking lot . One is supposed to be left turn , and the other is supposed to be right turn . Most people turn left when leaving work , so that lane is usually backed up more . Some people have taken to turning left from the right lane . We 've had several near misses already from people doing this . We 've complained about it for years , but HR says , " Once you 're outside those gates , you 're on your own . " I 've taken to just hanging around for 10 - 15 minutes , just to let the craziness leave first . Well , today , somebody tempted fate just a little too closely and pulled out right in front of a dump truck . The good news is , he wasn 't hurt . They called an ambulance to check him out , but didn 't take him to the hospital or anything . By the time I got out of the gate , he was standing up and the cop was writing him a ticket . As Coworker Johnny said , " It was bound to happen eventually . " I 'm just glad no one was hurt when it finally did . Finally , I can 't remember if I posted this one before . If I did , you get to see it again . This is my dad with his two sisters , Aunt Martha and Aunt Bonnie . Posted by They say it 's the better part of valor . I got up yesterday morning , and started getting ready for work . Just a few minutes into it , I said to myself , " I just can 't do this today . " I got out the old thermometer , and when I saw that 100 . 9 reading , I took the better part and called in sick . I spent most of the day huddled under a blanket watching movies and napping . I felt a little better this morning , and my fever was down to 99 . 2 , so I went on back to work . Group Leader Theresa tried to rag on me saying I had missed the easiest day ever . I told her , " You 're lucky I 'm here today . " Lots of people were saying , " Wow , you must have really been sick for you to miss work . " It 's nice to know I was missed . On that note , I can show you some of what you missed Monday when I didn 't post the post I was going to post before I got sick . Oh , I 'm not going to go through the whole thing . It was a long tirade on how Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest , only I spent more time working than resting . I won 't tell you about the laundry , and changing my sheets , and spreading my Weed & Feed , and doing my taxes , and all the other stuff I did . I will , however show you that I got those spider lily bulbs out of the bucket and into the ground . That white fence is just to keep the dogs from stomping them into oblivion . When the leaves die back , I 'll pull it up so I can mow right up to the house . When I finished planting those bulbs , I said , " I might as well pull those landscape timbers up while I 'm here . " What you see here is the groove left in the weeds from where the timbers were . Exciting , isn 't it ? Here 's something that is a little more exciting than grooves in the ground . I had to run into town to buy kitty litter . No , that 's not the exciting part . While I was in the store , I went down the yarn aisle . I was looking for some red , white , and blue variegated yarn for a KAL I 'm participating in . KAL = Knit ALong , for those of you not in the knitting know . I see another scarf in my future . Since I couldn 't find the yarn I was looking for , I came home and dug through the box of yarn my MIL sent me a while back . I came up with this . Now , I just need to figure out what I am going to knit with it . Posted by I had a good post for you today . Oh , you would have loved it . It was a really clever way to tell you about all the stuff I did around the house yesterday . I 'd mentally composed it last night as I was laying in bed waiting to fall asleep . I couldn 't wait to get home from work today to post it for you . Then life said , " Not so fast . " I woke up this morning , sick as a dog . I was thisclose to calling in sick - - something I haven 't done in about 5 years - - and going back to bed . But I didn 't . I kept thinking about my monthly attendance bonus , and how that was a lot of money to sleep off . I remembered times past when I 'd called in sic , then felt better in an hour - - blowing a day 's pay for no good reason . I went to work , thinking maybe the same thing would happen today . Thinking I would feel better as the day went on . I didn 't . If anything , I got worse . I made it to the end of the work day , but I 'm telling you , if I still feel this bad tomorrow , I 'm staying in bed . Posted by And I 'm thinking , " Blimey , I wasn 't planning on blogging . Now I have to think of something ! " Only I didn 't think " blimey " . I just threw that in there because it sounds a lot more dramatic than what I was really thinking . Which was something dull and innocuous like , " Oh no " . I go back to my brazing stand , and I 'm busy trying to think of something to blog about . It didn 't take long for my mind to start wandering . . . I began to plan all the stuff I was going to do when I got off . I was going to dig up and transplant that last patch of spider lilies in my front yard , so I could put my Weed & Feed down in the morning . I was going to pull up the last few landscape timbers in the back yard , doing away with those beds right behind my house . I was going to get really industrious and take the chainsaw to that pile of logs , and maybe even cut down Mrs . Newman 's two dead trees . I was going to rake up all the old mulch out of my flower beds and start getting them ready for planting late next month . . . I pulled out my phone and opened my weather app to make sure it wasn 't going to rain in the morning . It said 45 ' . That was from when I checked it at 3 : 00 AM . I waited for it to refresh , expecting the temp to go up to the mid 60s or so . But it didn 't go up . It went down . Down to 41 ' . What ? I thought my phone was lying to me . It had to be a mistake . I turned to my coworker and asked , " Did you go outside at lunch ? Was it cold out there ? " She said , " Girl , it 's freezing out there ! With that rain , it feels like it should be snowing . " I guess I wasn 't going to be working in the yard when I got off after all . The only thing I did was to get those spider lily bulbs dug up . And I trudged out to the old coops and got some firewood and built a nice little fire to take the chill off of the house . Then I did three loads of laundry and stepped in cat puke . How was your day ? Mrs . Charlie on the left . She 's the one who said I had pretty lips , and that I remind her of her mother . I have no idea who the person on the right is , but she knows me . Calls me by name and everything . All I know is she 's an office person . HR , I think . Still more random coworkers . The guy in the middle is Former Group Leader Greg . I haven 't really talked about him much , because I only worked for him a short time before Former Group Leader Fernando took over that line . Random front office people . The guy in the middle is Chris Taylor , the Boss Hoss of the plant . And lastly , Supervisor Ronny on the left , Supervisor Patrick on the right . I don 't know who the lady in the middle is . I think she might be HR , too , but I 'm not for sure . All in all , it was a very moving tribute to my lost coworker , but I have to add one more , personal touch ( and I don 't do this for just anyone ) : There was a lot of purple in the plant today . A lot of purple . Most people were wearing purple shirts . Even the supervisors , and people from the front office . Someone brought a bunch of purple balloons and tied them up all around the plant . Another whose husband shot and stabbed her multiple times . She survived , too . There is another one who , even though she denies it , I wouldn 't be a bit surprised to find out her boyfriend was beating on her , too . When I worked in the same area as him , he would hit me , and pinch me , and shake me , and shove me , and scream obscenities in my face . He claimed he was just joking , but that 's what they all say . . . And I thought , " If he does this to a coworker in front of a plant full of people , I can just imagine what he does at home , behind closed doors . " Then I thought about my own situation , how easily I could have become just another statistic . . . if it weren 't for the homewrecker who stole my husband away from me , and for whom I am so thankful . And I realized how lucky I am , and how God was watching over me . I am truly blessed . Posted by " We 're wearing purple tomorrow ? " I replied , not knowing anything about being supposed to wear purple tomorrow . I turned to the coworker on the other side and asked , " Why are we wearing purple tomorrow ? " She said it was for domestic violence , and in memory of our coworker who was murdered by her boyfriend last week . I don 't have a purple shirt any more , the last one meeting a tragic demise at the hands of some very sharp pieces of steel , so it was off to the store I went . It would seem I was not the only one in this predicament , as half of my coworkers were also there buying purple attire . I came home with this one . There wasn 't a whole lot of purple left . That one is OK , but I 'd wanted one a bit more vibrant . I wandered over to the men 's section to see if they had any purple shirts . They didn 't , but somehow , this baby managed to sneak home with me . I keep saying my ultimate goal is to have all my shirts either Navy , American flag , or Dallas Cowboy themed . Speaking of the Dallas Cowboys , it would seem that Tony Romo has been Wally Pipped . There is nothing official on the website , but word around the league is that they are looking to trade him . Dak is the starter now , and Romo is too good to be just a backup . Except that he is about as fragile as a soap bubble . Honestly , I can 't recall in the last 10 years more than one or two seasons that he didn 't miss a bunch of games due to injury . Still , I wish him well , and I hope he lands with a good team . Anyway , I finally made it home from the store to find a giant pile of dog doo in my kitchen floor . It 's kind of worrisome , since my dogs are normally very well behaved . Every dog has accidents from time to time , but if it becomes a trend , usually it means they are sick . I 'll keep an eye on them , and hope this was just a freak thing . Like I said , they are normally very well behaved , especially considering how long they have to hold it sometimes . Last but not least , I finished the Jayne hat last night - - including weaving all the yarn ends in . I still have to find the pom pom I made for it . I know it 's somewhere in the computer / craft / snake room . I 'll just have to go all Indiana Jones in there to find it . If nobody hears from me within a week or so , send out a search party . I 'm not kidding . Posted by Apparently , today was another one of those worldwide protest thingies that have been happening a lot lately . This one was called A Day Without Women . I chose to participate . I got up bright and early and told my dogs they would have to spend this day without me . I was going to get up and go to work , because I 'm an adult , and that 's what adults do . Jesse was not pleased by this . " You gon ' spend the day wifout me ? " he said . That was almost enough to change my mind , but alas , I have bills to pay and dogs that need to be fed . so I took my woman self to work . It wasn 't long before I began to regret that decision . The purpose of this women 's strike was to show the world how important women are - - as if the world didn 't already know that . My work decided that today was going to be the day to show me that the plant can 't seem to get along without me , and they did so by calling my name a bazillion times . Instead of A Day Without Women , my day should have been called A Day My Coworkers Couldn 't Scratch Their Own Bums Without Calling Becky 's Name . Every . Time . I . Turned . Around . Someone else was calling my name . Seriously . Every five minutes . Asking me about this . Asking me about that . Wanting me to do this . Wanting me to figure out that . Wanting me , calling me , worrying me to death . Nag , nag , nag , all . day . long . And most of what they were asking me about didn 't even have anything to do with my job , which is brazing . Seriously , why are you asking me about a delta plate ? I don 't have anything to do with those , so why would you think I would know ? But ask they did . In fact , work was so mayhemic that at one point , that I checked my calendar to make sure it wasn 't really Thor 's Day . Thor . . . Loki . . . mayhem . . . you know the drill . Unless you aren 't up on your Norse mythology . Then you don 't know the drill . Someday , I 'll explain it . But not today . Which is Woden 's Day . Not Thor 's Day . Be that as it may , the mayhem finally stopped when the shift ended . Then I came home and ate half a bag of chocolate chips . Now , that 's what I call a woman 's day celebration . Posted by That 's how it is sometimes . I think , " I 'm too tired to blog today . I 'll just skip this one day . " Then just one day turns into two , then three , and before you know it , you haven 't blogged in a week . I really need to get back to blogging every day , even if it 's just a quick , insignificant post . You know , just to stay in the habit . Anyway , here is a quick rundown of what has happened since I last posted . 1 . My coworker , the one whose boyfriend shot her , passed away Thursday . I didn 't know her well , but she seemed very sweet . I 've been in kind of a funk ever since then . 2 . Cody 's got another sister . If you 've read my blog for any length of time , you know about the twins Taylor and Faith . Well , he 's also got a third sister from the ex 's second wife . Her name is Ashley . Cody texted me Sunday and said she 'd tracked him down on his Instagram account . That was a surprise . 3 . Cody 's sister Taylor is pregnant . Faith already has a little boy . Now the other one has a bun in the oven . 4 . I bought Doctor Strange , and thoroughly enjoyed it . The mid - credits scene made me nearly jump out of my chair . 5 . I 'm this close to finishing another Jayne hat . This one has been languishing on the needles for quite some time now . The last earflap nearly finished , then I just have to find the pom pom I 've already made for it , and it 'll be done . 6 . I still haven 't done my taxes . 7 . I was going to put my Weed & Feed on my front yard Sunday morning , but it was raining when I woke up . It is also supposed to rain this coming weekend , so I don 't know when I 'll be able to get it down . 8 . Eh , that 's about it . Posted by virtue . We then took up arms in defence of the national constitution . We appealed to our Mexican brethren for assistance . Our appeal has been made in vain . Though months have elapsed , no sympathetic response has yet been heard from the Interior . Bright and early this morning , I walked into work . I clocked in , set down my tool bag , and began going about my daily tasks of setting up the front of the line , in preparation for the work day . As I was going about my business - and minding my own , I might add - Group Leader Theresa walked up and said , " I tried to call you last night , to tell you to come in at 5 : 00 . I thought I had your phone number , but I don 't . " She 'd asked me for it a couple of times before . Well , not so much as asked , but she said , " Make sure you give me your phone number before you leave today . " I said OK , but then I didn 't give it to her . Oh , I didn 't forget . I just didn 't do it . This time , however , she pulled out her phone and insisted I give her my number right then and there . What choice did I have ? Group Leader Theresa now has my phone number , and an admonition that just because she has it , doesn 't mean she can call me willy nilly - - or that I 'll even answer the phone at all . And so it was that my group leader obtained my phone number , and also how I started going in to work at 5 : 00 AM . The good news is , we didn 't get the bad weather we were expecting . The worst of it passed to the north of us . However , it 's been so wet and chilly , I haven 't been able plant the new daffodils I bought . So there they sit , with the rest of my potted plants . Waiting for spring , just like the rest of us . Posted by |
You know you work a lot of hours when you get your paycheck for the week you were sick , and you still have more than 50 hours on it . Suffice to say , I work a lot - - and I mean a lot - - of hours . The good thing is , this year , I won 't have those major outlays like I did last year . You know , paying off my son 's college tuition . Cutting down a huge old tree . That sort of thing . That means I can spend my money buying things I want . First thing I bought was the last shower curtain masquerading as a closet door . This one for Cody 's room . I only went over to that department to look for a curtain rod . While I was there , i figured might as well check out the shower curtains , too . I found this one that goes perfectly with what I 'm trying to do in that room . Now , I just need to find him some curtains - - actual window curtains for his actual windows - - and that room will be pretty much done , except for hanging things on his wall . I 'm thinking of making a run up to Batesville to Lowe 's after work tomorrow , or maybe Sunday afternoon . They 're having a pretty good sale on garden stuff , and I can look at the curtains they have while I 'm at it . Maybe . If I can get moving , that is . Back when I was a kid , my Mammaw always bought us Peeps at Easter . I never really liked them that much , but I always ate them anyway . Because Mammaw bought them . I 've carried that tradition on into my adulthood . Each year , I buy one package of Peeps and eat it , for my Mammaw . Since I was in the store already , I headed towards the Easter candy aisle , and thought , " Might as well buy the Peeps and get that over with . " When I got there , I found this package of Peeps with a plush Peep toy . I picked it up and thought to myself , " If I buy this , I 'll never have to eat another Peep again . " So , I bought it . Now , every time I see that Peep , I will think of my Mammaw and how she always bought Peeps for us . And my final purchase of the day . And some in my front yard . Where there aren 't any trees . We had to have had some pretty stout winds to blow those branches there . On the way to work , I saw lots of twigs and leaves down , and I heard there was a tree down west of town , but no major damage . At least , none that I 've heard of . A lot of people were without power , but I didn 't lose mine . Thank goodness for that . I got some more news on my coworker who was arrested yesterday . Turns out it wasn 't for selling drugs after all . Turns out he is a murder suspect in Memphis . I found an article in the local paper about it . I tried to search in one of the Memphis papers ' website , but there were too many homicide articles , and I couldn 't find it . They actually have a homicide tracker feature on the site . Wow , it makes me glad I live in a small town . I mean , there are murders here , but not that often . Not multiple murders each day . Well , that was my excitement for today . Yesterday , I was out in my yard . I wanted to mow before the storms hit . On a whim , I decided to check the pecan tree , and I saw buds ! You know what that means ? I can plant ! I think I 'm going to put some French Marigolds in this weekend . Just the one bed , though , so I can cover it up if I need to . Yee haw ! I 'm so excited ! As I was debating whether to buy it , I looked in the right sidebar and it said , " Order within the next three minutes and get it by Wednesday " . That was all it took for me to hit the Buy With 1 - Click button . All day long , I was anxiously awaiting the end of the day , so I could rush home and play with my wax seal . But what to seal ? I didn 't want to just drip it on paper , so I had the idea of signing , then sealing up a bunch of Christmas cards . That 's what I did . Yeah , it 's going to take a bit of practice to get it down . The main thing is figuring out how much wax to melt , and getting the stamp centered . Other than that , it 's a piece of cake , and so much fun ! I think next time , I 'll get the kind with the little spoon to melt the wax in . I think it 'll work better than the kind with the wick . At least you don 't get ashes in your seals . I 'm already looking to get some different stamp designs , too . Yggdrasil * came with the set , so it 's the one I got . The good news is , I may actually get Christmas cards sent this year ! Oh , we had a bit of excitement at work today . One of my coworkers got arrested at lunch . I didn 't know what had happened to him , and mentioned that he 'd left . " He didn 't leave , " the lady I was talking to said , " He got busted ! The cops nabbed him at lunch . They were waiting at the door for him . " I asked someone else what that was all about , and she said , " He got caught selling drugs on plant property . " What is wrong with people ? I mean , selling drugs is bad enough , but you can 't wait until you get off work to do it ? I have the same reaction when they catch people having sex on plant property . Seriously , what is wrong with you people ? The good news is , I 've got buds on my roses . It 's supposed to rain tomorrow , so maybe Friday I can get out and take pictures for you . It appears that Tyr is the new Thor . Except without Thor . And the long blond locks . Or a reason to smile . . . Um , ahem , what was I saying ? Oh , yeah . . . Remember how I used to post about Thor 's Day mayhem ? Well , now it would seem the mayhem is hitting on Tyr 's Day . It all started when I got halfway across the parking lot , heading in to work , when I realized I 'd left my phone at home . Now , this isn 't that big of a deal , since I 'm not one of those people who has to check her phone every five seconds like some of my coworkers . What it did mean is that I didn 't have my Kindle app , so I couldn 't read my book during my lunch break . Without those few minutes of being able to transport to another time and place , I was totally discombobulated throughout the mayhem of the day . I won 't go into all the gory details , but at last the day finally ended . And we get to do it all again tomorrow . Yippee . Posted by Back when I moved into this house , there weren 't any doors on any of the closets . I thought that was a bit weird . I asked the seller to put them back , but they said there weren 't any doors on any of the closets when they moved in , either . Well , all right then . . . Closet doors went onto the list of things I needed to buy for the house , when I can afford them . In the meantime , I am following the advice Beverly gave me and am hanging curtains in front of the closets . This is the one I 've chosen for my bedroom . Technically , it 's a shower curtain , which was a lot cheaper than regular curtains . It already makes my room look neater not having all my closet junk out where everyone can see it . Now , all I need is to get my crown molding and baseboards installed and I 'll be done with the bedroom , for now . Well , except for hanging stuff on the walls , that is . While I was ordering , I went ahead and bought a new shower curtain for my bathroom . Just like with the bedroom , all I need is my crown molding installed and I 'll be done , except for hanging stuff on the walls , that is . I 'm going to get a shower curtain for Cody 's closet , too , but his will probably be camouflage or something that goes along with his rustic , hunting lodge theme . I would have ordered one at the same time as I ordered mine , but I was really , really tired . Speaking of being really , really tired , I seem to be developing my own peculiar dialect , which I call Really , Really Tired . For example , repptor tept means plastic wrap in Really , Really Tired . This afternoon , I came home and stoutly declared , " I 'm not afraid of my own boogers " . I have no idea what I was intending to say , but there you go . I 've long since given up trying to find an explanation for such things . The next big project will be to get my living room painted . I 'm still not quite ready to tackle all that paneling , though . I haven 't forgotten what a pain in the patooty painting my bedroom was . However , it was worth it . My room looks a lot nicer now . I 'm sure the living room will , too , when I get around to painting it . Meanwhile , I 've got things happening in my front flower bed . Two of my three dahlia bulbs are sprouting . I haven 't seen hide nor hair of the freesias , yet , though . Not that flowers have hides , or hairs , which may be why I haven 't seen any . There I go , lapsing into Really , Really Tired again . I guess I 'd better get on to bed , before it gets worse . Posted by I don 't normally post on Sundays , but I 'm going to try something new . I 'm going to start posting either a hymn or a short inspirational message . To start with , I 'm posting this hymn , which always seems to be Hymn # 1 in the Baptist Hymnal . Let 's see how long this lasts . . . Apparently , the front half of my line at work decided to have a party , but didn 't invite the four of us who showed up to work . Yes , I said four . Fully manned , the front of the line has 8 people . NOTE : There wasn 't really a party from which we were excluded . We were just being sarcastic . Based on some of my FB comments , I thought I 'd better clear that up . This will be short , because I should have been in bed an hour ago . But I 'm not . I 'm sitting here writing this post . . . why do I do this to myself ? Anyway , I wanted to tell you that I can almost move again after my adventure with my chainsaw Tuesday . My chainsaw , by the way , seems to have acquired the unfortunate name of Leatherface . Don 't ask . I 've never even seen the movie . But there you go . Be that as it may , all day Wednesday , I said to myself , " Self , when you get home from work , you are going to go out and cut a bit more wood . " But when I got home from work , my arms and my back said , " No , you aren 't . " So , I didn 't . But Wednesday was too beautiful a day to stay inside , so I got out and cut my grass . Rather , I mowed my weeds . I don 't have grass yet , just a yard full of weeds . Now , remember , I 'm doing this after getting up at 3 : 30 AM and working a 10 hour day at the factory . Wait , make that an 11 hour day , because I stayed late to help out a fellow brazer who had gotten a bit behind . By the time I was finished mowing , I was literally staggering with exhaustion trying to push my mower back to the shed , and wondering why , oh why do I do this to myself ? . Yesterday , I decided I wasn 't doing any yard work . None . At all . Sigh . I did . I stacked up the wood I 'd cut Tuesday , but that was it . That brings us to today . And I can almost move again . It still hurts to move , but I can almost do it . I 'm getting too old for all this work nonsense . Speaking of work , I had a nice surprise waiting on me when I got home this afternoon . One of my friends is knitting a sock yarn blanket similar to the ones I 'm doing . Last week , I balled up and sent her several mini skeins to add to her blanket . Today , she returned the favor . Looks like I 'll be knitting blanket squares this weekend ! And lastly , I 've completed my Gerbera Daisy collection , with the orange one . I need a pot for it , which means I 'll probably have to head up to Batesville here in the next week or so , since it looks like our Wal - mart won 't be carrying flower pots again this year . Eh , I 've been looking for an excuse to go to Lowe 's anyway . Now , if only the pecan trees will start budding so I can start planting stuff ! * That 's a bit of old Texas folklore my dad taught me , and a schoolmate recently reminded me of . Once the pecan trees start budding , there won 't be any more frosts . As my dad said , the oak and the elm may be fooled , but you can 't fool the pecan trees . Posted by I have this big pile of wood in my back yard . It 's what 's left from having my big tree cut down . I 'd asked the guy to leave me the limbs for firewood , so he did . Yes , all that wood - - even the great big pieces - - are limbs . He didn 't leave any of the trunk . There 's no way I could have handled trying to cut up that trunk . It was huge . H . U . G . E . As it is , I 'm probably going to have to ask for help with some of the larger pieces anyway . All that to say , I have this big pile of wood in my back yard . All day long , this pile of wood has been calling my name . I tried to ignore it , but it was relentless . Finally , with great angst , I drug out the old chainsaw and went to cutting it up . I was about to stop for the day when Mrs . Newman came out and asked me to cut down a couple of dead trees in her yard . Just small ones , maybe 6 inches in diameter . I went over and cut her trees down , and tossed them over the fence into my yard , to add to my pile of firewood . Mrs . Newman thanked me , and said she was going to burn the stumps down . I said I was going to go take a shower . By the time I walked back to my shed to put my chainsaw up , I was so exhausted I was literally staggering . Remember , I 'm doing all of this after getting up at 3 : 30 AM and working a 10 hour shift in the factory . It was definitely one of those What was I thinking ? moments . I 'm afraid I 'm going to have noodle arms tomorrow . That ought to make work fun . Or interesting to say the least . Other than that , it was a beautiful , albeit warm , day . The old girl really enjoyed having the windows open . At her age , there isn 't a lot left that she can enjoy . I think I may have finally found someone to get rid of all that concrete that is still in my back yard . First the tree guy was going to haul it off , but he never came and got it . Then the construction worker said he 'd come get it and haul it off with some of his other construction scrap , but he never showed up . I asked one of the maintenance guys at work , and he gave me the name and number of someone who could come bury it in the yard for me . According to Jonathan , the guy is reasonable and reliable . The only problem . . . I have to make a phone call . If you know me at all , you know what an issue that is . If you don 't , let me just say , I 've had that number for two weeks now , and still haven 't called it . That ought to tell you something right there . . . I 've been tired all day . I 'm not sure why , considering I slept pretty well last night . If you don 't count the weird dreams , that is . I dreamed I was at work , and another group leader asked me to help out in his area . After working over there for a while , I thought to myself that I needed to go get my tools from my regular work area before someone stole them . I headed back to get them , and couldn 't figure out how to get back to my brazing stand . Yes , I was lost in the plant . The plant I 've spent the majority of my waking hours for the last 21 years , and I was lost . The plant I know better than I know my own house , and I was lost . Lost . I think my dream may have been precipitated by what happened Saturday . This past weekend was the last two days of spring break , and a lot of people were out . I mean a lot of people . The group leader across the way didn 't have either of his sub - brazers show up . He had one of his line brazers trying to sub braze , and despite what ADP management seems to think , the two are not the same thing . About half an hour into the day , he hollered across to me and asked if I would come sub braze for him . I told him to clear it with Supervisor Calvin and I would . I got over there and asked the other brazer if she 'd ever sub brazed before . " No , " she said , " and I 'm so lost . " " Never fear , " I replied , " the cavalry is here . " And thus , we made it through the work day , but I had a different view all day . I told Supervisor Calvin it was like sitting on the back porch instead of the front porch . After work , I came home and thought about all the stuff I needed to do , but didn 't really want to do any of it . I spent the rest of the day watching TV . Sunday . My only full day off and I slept half the day away . Well , I slept until 8 : 30 , but after getting up at 3 : 30 all week , that feels like sleeping half a day away . Sunday afternoon , I got out and cleaned last year 's mulch and the weeds out of my flower bed , clawed my soil , and planted the two bags of bulbs I had . They didn 't take up as much room as I thought they would , so I 've got plenty of room to plant more . Mrs . Newman was working in her yard , so we chatted a bit about what we were going to plant and all . She saw my garden claw , and asked about it . I showed her how it works , and let her borrow it to turn her flower beds . When she brought it back , she said , " I love that thing ! " That 's all I 've done so far . I had to run into town after work today , and stopped by the store . I almost bought some marigolds , but decided to wait . Yes , today is the first day of spring , but there is still the chance of a late frost or freeze . Besides , I need some time to get my marigold bed ready . That won 't take long . I just need to get out and do it . I scratched my gardening itch by buying another gerbera daisy . While I was there , I bought a couple of bags of garden soil . I already have another box of that fake stone border . I 'm going to extend my front flower bed a few more feet . That ought to hold my gardening fever in check until it 's warm enough to plant . In knitting news , I finally found time to cast on my red , white , and blue project . This is the red and white part of it . The blue will come in a bit . The fun part came after I cast on the first time . I was knitting away , thinking to myself that this was some mighty thin worsted weight yarn . It was then that I checked the ball band . No wonder it was so thin . It 's not worsted weight after all . It 's DK weight . That explains a lot . I ripped it out and cast on again on smaller needles , but with more stitches . Now , we 're cooking with gas . And I 'm out of gas , so I 'm going to bed . Goodnight . Posted by I feel almost human again . I feel better today than I have in a week . I 'd stopped to chat with my coworker Edna on the way out of the plant , when Coworker Johnny stopped and said , " You got a runny nose ? " indicating my box of tissues . Edna told him I 'd been sick . Johnny said he 'd been sick , too , and from what he described , he had the same thing I did . I guess it 's going around . Since I 'm feeling better , it looks like no one is going to get my stash any time soon . Edna told me she started to comment on all that , but she didn 't want my friends to think she was a nut . I assured her , " Oh , no . You 'd fit right in with some of my friends ! " You ladies know who you are ! Hmmmm , maybe I should teach Edna to knit and she can come with us next time we get together . Which needs to be soon , right ? Right ? ? ? ? But not too soon . I 'm still kind of sick . But not really sick . Just a little sick . No need to go dividing up the stash just yet . Remember the car wreck I told you about yesterday ? I got a bit more info on it . The guy who was right behind the kid who got hit told a friend of mine , and she told me . The kid who got hit - - hereafter known as The Kid - - was driving a white car . He was in the right lane , and there was a somewhat sizeable pickup truck in the left lane blocking his view of traffic . Now , most people , when they can 't see the road , or what may be coming down it , would stop or at least slow down until they were sure the way was clear . Not The Kid . The guy behind him said he never even slowed down . He just pulled on out , right in front of the dump truck . Which hit him . Because at that point , it pretty much had no choice . When the police got there , The Kid was just standing there , flipping his keys around his finger . Now , most people , when they commit a traffic violation and have to deal with the police , the first thing they do is get out their driver 's license . Not The Kid . He just stood there , flipping his keys around his finger . The police officer asked him , " Do you have a driver 's license ? " The Kid shook his head no . The police officer then asked him , " Son , do you have any form of identification ? " The Kid brightened up , nodded , and pulled out his EMI badge . ( EMI is the temporary staffing agency the plant uses during the busy season . ) . Well , all righty , then . . . I 'm imagining he got quite a lot of citations for that little stunt . The funny thing is , I was walking across the parking lot to my car after work today , when I saw another wreck . Two in two days . This one wasn 't bad , though . I couple of ladies bumped bumpers as they were backing out of their spots . It didn 't leave any damage on either car . One lady said , " I 'm good with it if you are . " And the other lady said , " I 'm good with it if you are " . So I said , " You 've got three witnesses who heard you both say you 're good with it , so we 're all good . Let 's go home . " And that 's what we all did . That 's something else they need to change . About 8 or so years ago , they changed the rules and required us to park nose in . They said it was too dangerous to park nose out , but the truth is , I 've seen - - and had - - way more near misses since we 've had to start backing out . Another reason I hang around until the parking lot clears out . Yesterday , right before bed , I was thinking about my flower beds , and how it 's getting to be time to start working on them , and planning what to plant and all . I picked up this bag of bulbs to think about what I wanted to do with them , and noticed that they 're growing already ! In the bag , on my shelf . They 're putting out shoots . Seriously . Looks like I 'm going to have to do some planting this weekend after all . Posted by It would seem I have reached the coughing up my lungs phase of this illness I 'm dancing with . I coughed so hard at work that Supervisor Calvin came over and asked if I was OK . As if that weren 't enough , my friends have started calling dibs on my yarn stash . Jan called dibs on the sock yarn . Christi declared she is closer than Jan . Then Amy popped up and said she 's closest , but Kat the Cop said if she turns on the lights and sirens , she could beat them all here . By that time , I was laughing so hard I started coughing again . So , thank you for that . But they brought up some good points . If something were to happen , Cody would get all my stuff , but would he know what to do with the yarn ? I 'd hate for it to go to a thrift store , when I have yarnie friends who would give it a much better home . I 'll need to make provisions for it . Amy and Christi are physically closest , so they 'd probably be in charge of collecting and distributing said yarn . Now , I 'll just need to make a list of who it gets distributed to . Sheesh , I went from a head cold to deciding who gets my yarn when I 'm dead . How 'd we end up here ? OK , let 's talk about something more pleasant . We had a bit of excitement after work . See , we have two lanes to exit the employee parking lot . One is supposed to be left turn , and the other is supposed to be right turn . Most people turn left when leaving work , so that lane is usually backed up more . Some people have taken to turning left from the right lane . We 've had several near misses already from people doing this . We 've complained about it for years , but HR says , " Once you 're outside those gates , you 're on your own . " I 've taken to just hanging around for 10 - 15 minutes , just to let the craziness leave first . Well , today , somebody tempted fate just a little too closely and pulled out right in front of a dump truck . The good news is , he wasn 't hurt . They called an ambulance to check him out , but didn 't take him to the hospital or anything . By the time I got out of the gate , he was standing up and the cop was writing him a ticket . As Coworker Johnny said , " It was bound to happen eventually . " I 'm just glad no one was hurt when it finally did . Finally , I can 't remember if I posted this one before . If I did , you get to see it again . This is my dad with his two sisters , Aunt Martha and Aunt Bonnie . Posted by They say it 's the better part of valor . I got up yesterday morning , and started getting ready for work . Just a few minutes into it , I said to myself , " I just can 't do this today . " I got out the old thermometer , and when I saw that 100 . 9 reading , I took the better part and called in sick . I spent most of the day huddled under a blanket watching movies and napping . I felt a little better this morning , and my fever was down to 99 . 2 , so I went on back to work . Group Leader Theresa tried to rag on me saying I had missed the easiest day ever . I told her , " You 're lucky I 'm here today . " Lots of people were saying , " Wow , you must have really been sick for you to miss work . " It 's nice to know I was missed . On that note , I can show you some of what you missed Monday when I didn 't post the post I was going to post before I got sick . Oh , I 'm not going to go through the whole thing . It was a long tirade on how Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest , only I spent more time working than resting . I won 't tell you about the laundry , and changing my sheets , and spreading my Weed & Feed , and doing my taxes , and all the other stuff I did . I will , however show you that I got those spider lily bulbs out of the bucket and into the ground . That white fence is just to keep the dogs from stomping them into oblivion . When the leaves die back , I 'll pull it up so I can mow right up to the house . When I finished planting those bulbs , I said , " I might as well pull those landscape timbers up while I 'm here . " What you see here is the groove left in the weeds from where the timbers were . Exciting , isn 't it ? Here 's something that is a little more exciting than grooves in the ground . I had to run into town to buy kitty litter . No , that 's not the exciting part . While I was in the store , I went down the yarn aisle . I was looking for some red , white , and blue variegated yarn for a KAL I 'm participating in . KAL = Knit ALong , for those of you not in the knitting know . I see another scarf in my future . Since I couldn 't find the yarn I was looking for , I came home and dug through the box of yarn my MIL sent me a while back . I came up with this . Now , I just need to figure out what I am going to knit with it . Posted by I had a good post for you today . Oh , you would have loved it . It was a really clever way to tell you about all the stuff I did around the house yesterday . I 'd mentally composed it last night as I was laying in bed waiting to fall asleep . I couldn 't wait to get home from work today to post it for you . Then life said , " Not so fast . " I woke up this morning , sick as a dog . I was thisclose to calling in sick - - something I haven 't done in about 5 years - - and going back to bed . But I didn 't . I kept thinking about my monthly attendance bonus , and how that was a lot of money to sleep off . I remembered times past when I 'd called in sic , then felt better in an hour - - blowing a day 's pay for no good reason . I went to work , thinking maybe the same thing would happen today . Thinking I would feel better as the day went on . I didn 't . If anything , I got worse . I made it to the end of the work day , but I 'm telling you , if I still feel this bad tomorrow , I 'm staying in bed . Posted by And I 'm thinking , " Blimey , I wasn 't planning on blogging . Now I have to think of something ! " Only I didn 't think " blimey " . I just threw that in there because it sounds a lot more dramatic than what I was really thinking . Which was something dull and innocuous like , " Oh no " . I go back to my brazing stand , and I 'm busy trying to think of something to blog about . It didn 't take long for my mind to start wandering . . . I began to plan all the stuff I was going to do when I got off . I was going to dig up and transplant that last patch of spider lilies in my front yard , so I could put my Weed & Feed down in the morning . I was going to pull up the last few landscape timbers in the back yard , doing away with those beds right behind my house . I was going to get really industrious and take the chainsaw to that pile of logs , and maybe even cut down Mrs . Newman 's two dead trees . I was going to rake up all the old mulch out of my flower beds and start getting them ready for planting late next month . . . I pulled out my phone and opened my weather app to make sure it wasn 't going to rain in the morning . It said 45 ' . That was from when I checked it at 3 : 00 AM . I waited for it to refresh , expecting the temp to go up to the mid 60s or so . But it didn 't go up . It went down . Down to 41 ' . What ? I thought my phone was lying to me . It had to be a mistake . I turned to my coworker and asked , " Did you go outside at lunch ? Was it cold out there ? " She said , " Girl , it 's freezing out there ! With that rain , it feels like it should be snowing . " I guess I wasn 't going to be working in the yard when I got off after all . The only thing I did was to get those spider lily bulbs dug up . And I trudged out to the old coops and got some firewood and built a nice little fire to take the chill off of the house . Then I did three loads of laundry and stepped in cat puke . How was your day ? Mrs . Charlie on the left . She 's the one who said I had pretty lips , and that I remind her of her mother . I have no idea who the person on the right is , but she knows me . Calls me by name and everything . All I know is she 's an office person . HR , I think . Still more random coworkers . The guy in the middle is Former Group Leader Greg . I haven 't really talked about him much , because I only worked for him a short time before Former Group Leader Fernando took over that line . Random front office people . The guy in the middle is Chris Taylor , the Boss Hoss of the plant . And lastly , Supervisor Ronny on the left , Supervisor Patrick on the right . I don 't know who the lady in the middle is . I think she might be HR , too , but I 'm not for sure . All in all , it was a very moving tribute to my lost coworker , but I have to add one more , personal touch ( and I don 't do this for just anyone ) : There was a lot of purple in the plant today . A lot of purple . Most people were wearing purple shirts . Even the supervisors , and people from the front office . Someone brought a bunch of purple balloons and tied them up all around the plant . Another whose husband shot and stabbed her multiple times . She survived , too . There is another one who , even though she denies it , I wouldn 't be a bit surprised to find out her boyfriend was beating on her , too . When I worked in the same area as him , he would hit me , and pinch me , and shake me , and shove me , and scream obscenities in my face . He claimed he was just joking , but that 's what they all say . . . And I thought , " If he does this to a coworker in front of a plant full of people , I can just imagine what he does at home , behind closed doors . " Then I thought about my own situation , how easily I could have become just another statistic . . . if it weren 't for the homewrecker who stole my husband away from me , and for whom I am so thankful . And I realized how lucky I am , and how God was watching over me . I am truly blessed . Posted by " We 're wearing purple tomorrow ? " I replied , not knowing anything about being supposed to wear purple tomorrow . I turned to the coworker on the other side and asked , " Why are we wearing purple tomorrow ? " She said it was for domestic violence , and in memory of our coworker who was murdered by her boyfriend last week . I don 't have a purple shirt any more , the last one meeting a tragic demise at the hands of some very sharp pieces of steel , so it was off to the store I went . It would seem I was not the only one in this predicament , as half of my coworkers were also there buying purple attire . I came home with this one . There wasn 't a whole lot of purple left . That one is OK , but I 'd wanted one a bit more vibrant . I wandered over to the men 's section to see if they had any purple shirts . They didn 't , but somehow , this baby managed to sneak home with me . I keep saying my ultimate goal is to have all my shirts either Navy , American flag , or Dallas Cowboy themed . Speaking of the Dallas Cowboys , it would seem that Tony Romo has been Wally Pipped . There is nothing official on the website , but word around the league is that they are looking to trade him . Dak is the starter now , and Romo is too good to be just a backup . Except that he is about as fragile as a soap bubble . Honestly , I can 't recall in the last 10 years more than one or two seasons that he didn 't miss a bunch of games due to injury . Still , I wish him well , and I hope he lands with a good team . Anyway , I finally made it home from the store to find a giant pile of dog doo in my kitchen floor . It 's kind of worrisome , since my dogs are normally very well behaved . Every dog has accidents from time to time , but if it becomes a trend , usually it means they are sick . I 'll keep an eye on them , and hope this was just a freak thing . Like I said , they are normally very well behaved , especially considering how long they have to hold it sometimes . Last but not least , I finished the Jayne hat last night - - including weaving all the yarn ends in . I still have to find the pom pom I made for it . I know it 's somewhere in the computer / craft / snake room . I 'll just have to go all Indiana Jones in there to find it . If nobody hears from me within a week or so , send out a search party . I 'm not kidding . Posted by Apparently , today was another one of those worldwide protest thingies that have been happening a lot lately . This one was called A Day Without Women . I chose to participate . I got up bright and early and told my dogs they would have to spend this day without me . I was going to get up and go to work , because I 'm an adult , and that 's what adults do . Jesse was not pleased by this . " You gon ' spend the day wifout me ? " he said . That was almost enough to change my mind , but alas , I have bills to pay and dogs that need to be fed . so I took my woman self to work . It wasn 't long before I began to regret that decision . The purpose of this women 's strike was to show the world how important women are - - as if the world didn 't already know that . My work decided that today was going to be the day to show me that the plant can 't seem to get along without me , and they did so by calling my name a bazillion times . Instead of A Day Without Women , my day should have been called A Day My Coworkers Couldn 't Scratch Their Own Bums Without Calling Becky 's Name . Every . Time . I . Turned . Around . Someone else was calling my name . Seriously . Every five minutes . Asking me about this . Asking me about that . Wanting me to do this . Wanting me to figure out that . Wanting me , calling me , worrying me to death . Nag , nag , nag , all . day . long . And most of what they were asking me about didn 't even have anything to do with my job , which is brazing . Seriously , why are you asking me about a delta plate ? I don 't have anything to do with those , so why would you think I would know ? But ask they did . In fact , work was so mayhemic that at one point , that I checked my calendar to make sure it wasn 't really Thor 's Day . Thor . . . Loki . . . mayhem . . . you know the drill . Unless you aren 't up on your Norse mythology . Then you don 't know the drill . Someday , I 'll explain it . But not today . Which is Woden 's Day . Not Thor 's Day . Be that as it may , the mayhem finally stopped when the shift ended . Then I came home and ate half a bag of chocolate chips . Now , that 's what I call a woman 's day celebration . Posted by That 's how it is sometimes . I think , " I 'm too tired to blog today . I 'll just skip this one day . " Then just one day turns into two , then three , and before you know it , you haven 't blogged in a week . I really need to get back to blogging every day , even if it 's just a quick , insignificant post . You know , just to stay in the habit . Anyway , here is a quick rundown of what has happened since I last posted . 1 . My coworker , the one whose boyfriend shot her , passed away Thursday . I didn 't know her well , but she seemed very sweet . I 've been in kind of a funk ever since then . 2 . Cody 's got another sister . If you 've read my blog for any length of time , you know about the twins Taylor and Faith . Well , he 's also got a third sister from the ex 's second wife . Her name is Ashley . Cody texted me Sunday and said she 'd tracked him down on his Instagram account . That was a surprise . 3 . Cody 's sister Taylor is pregnant . Faith already has a little boy . Now the other one has a bun in the oven . 4 . I bought Doctor Strange , and thoroughly enjoyed it . The mid - credits scene made me nearly jump out of my chair . 5 . I 'm this close to finishing another Jayne hat . This one has been languishing on the needles for quite some time now . The last earflap nearly finished , then I just have to find the pom pom I 've already made for it , and it 'll be done . 6 . I still haven 't done my taxes . 7 . I was going to put my Weed & Feed on my front yard Sunday morning , but it was raining when I woke up . It is also supposed to rain this coming weekend , so I don 't know when I 'll be able to get it down . 8 . Eh , that 's about it . Posted by virtue . We then took up arms in defence of the national constitution . We appealed to our Mexican brethren for assistance . Our appeal has been made in vain . Though months have elapsed , no sympathetic response has yet been heard from the Interior . Bright and early this morning , I walked into work . I clocked in , set down my tool bag , and began going about my daily tasks of setting up the front of the line , in preparation for the work day . As I was going about my business - and minding my own , I might add - Group Leader Theresa walked up and said , " I tried to call you last night , to tell you to come in at 5 : 00 . I thought I had your phone number , but I don 't . " She 'd asked me for it a couple of times before . Well , not so much as asked , but she said , " Make sure you give me your phone number before you leave today . " I said OK , but then I didn 't give it to her . Oh , I didn 't forget . I just didn 't do it . This time , however , she pulled out her phone and insisted I give her my number right then and there . What choice did I have ? Group Leader Theresa now has my phone number , and an admonition that just because she has it , doesn 't mean she can call me willy nilly - - or that I 'll even answer the phone at all . And so it was that my group leader obtained my phone number , and also how I started going in to work at 5 : 00 AM . The good news is , we didn 't get the bad weather we were expecting . The worst of it passed to the north of us . However , it 's been so wet and chilly , I haven 't been able plant the new daffodils I bought . So there they sit , with the rest of my potted plants . Waiting for spring , just like the rest of us . Posted by |
There was nothing in the world that Xian Mingliang couldn 't dispose of with the single phrase : Wheels are round . ' Wheels are round , so just forget about it . ' ' It has to be this way ; wheels are round , after all . ' ' All right , let 's do it that way : wheels are round . ' ' You just do what you please ; either way wheels are still round . ' ' That wheel there ? Fixed it . Wheels are meant to be round . ' No need for further examples . He never stopped saying ' Wheels are round ' ; it was his catchphrase , the way some people never speak without first uttering a drawn - out ' Uhhhh … ' : usually unnecessary , often quite meaningless . Wheels . Wheels . Wheels wheels wheels . Xian Mingliang was a driver , you see . He was already a driver when I met him , as a boy growing up in Zhejiang Province . Back then most of the men on Flower Street were either in trucking or shipping , including those who had married into the neighbourhood . When he was twenty - four he married in from Heding down - river , becoming the live - in son - in - law of the boat - boss , Huang Zengbao . Huang 's daughter had been married before and had a two - year - old girl , but her husband had died while working on Huang 's boat . It was a bizarre death . He 'd been standing in the prow of the boat , smoking . Huang had called him below deck to eat . He 'd turned his head , and then just toppled into the water like a wooden post . When they dredged him up he was cold . That husband had married into the family , too . Huang had been good to him , and had planned to leave him the boat when he himself was ready to throw in the towel . But fate said otherwise : the 85 - kilo brute just turned his head and died , with no room for discussion . Huang only had a daughter , and he was determined to bring in a son - in - law to carry on the family business and take over the boat that Huang had worked his whole life - he couldn 't abide the thought of leaving it to someone who wasn 't kin . Xian Mingliang had come to Flower Street to be a trucker , and he followed the old driver Chen Zigui everywhere he went . On long hauls he would drive and let Chen Zigui nap , slumped over in the passenger seat . He loved the feeling of operating those big Liberation - brand trucks all by himself . When he wasn 't behind the wheel Xian Mingliang seemed to deflate , and went around hands in pockets like a morose idler . All year round he wore the same style of black slacks - loose in the rear , suddenly narrowing at the calf - and let them ride low on his hips . Every time I saw him I felt they were about to fall down , and wanted to hike them up . He would greet absolutely everyone on Flower Street , and ask each kid the same question : ' Hey , little guy , did you know that wheels are round ? ' He was addicted to these tedious little games . If the kid knew , he would give him a piece of candy . If the kid didn 't know , he 'd give him the piece of candy anyway . That day on Flower Street , as he was playing with Huang 's two - year - old grand - daughter , holding out a piece of candy and asking if wheels were flat or round , a fortune - teller arrived from the east . In those days plenty of fortune tellers roamed from town to town making money - they said the blind ones had true vision . But the fortune teller that day wasn 't blind . He couldn 't be : besides telling fortunes he could also read bones , faces and palms . A crowd immediately gathered from all around - Flower Street was home to plenty of industrious folk , but even more idlers . As a demonstration of his abilities the fortune teller tugged his goatee ( the facial hair favoured by nearly all fortune tellers ) , and read the faces of a few people picked out of the crowd . Meng Wanwan had a mealy face , he probably sold rice . Lan with the pockmarks - though his face was a wreck , his gaze was calm and a little weak : he was probably a tofu maker . Ma Banye had a fierce look , like he knew how to use his fists : he was sure to be a butcher . Dan Feng … He looked Dan Feng over , and considered his words for a long time before speaking . She would eventually find a man she could rely on . He could see at a glance that her trade involved opening her door to men at midnight . Many on Flower Street had traveled extensively and knew that fortune tellers often had no skills at all . They simply made certain inquiries through certain channels ahead of time , and then used that knowledge to deceive their listeners . Once they 'd gained some trust they commenced spinning yarns , blathering at will , and the money came rolling in . Someone pointed at Xian Mingliang and told the fortune teller to read him - he came from Heding , and they reckoned the fortune teller couldn 't have done his homework that thoroughly . The fortune teller took two turns around Xian Mingliang and Huang 's granddaughter , then tugged his goatee and said : ' Something 's not right here . This young man is plainly unmarried , and yet this girl is his daughter … though not by birth . This connection is clouded to me . ' Everyone laughed , and began to disperse . Xian Mingliang ? Connected to Huang 's family ? What a lark . They 'd caught him out after all . At that moment Huang 's daughter stepped outside to throw out the laundry water , and the fortune teller suddenly pointed at her , saying : ' Those two are a couple ! ' ' Do you see ? They will be husband and wife ! ' The fortune teller slung his bundle on his back and prepared to move on . ' If they 're not together by the next time I pass through , you can dig out my eyes and fry them like quail eggs . ' The fortune teller arrived again three months later . Ten days before that , Xian Mingliang had moved in with the Huang family . It was because of the fortune , too . After Huang had come in from the river and heard what happened , he called Xian Mingliang in and they 'd settled things on the spot . Xian Mingliang 's only family was a step - father in Heding , so he was able to make this momentous decision on his own . So what if he was marrying into his wife 's family , instead of bringing a wife into his own ? He was still a man , and now a father , too . The fortune teller did a spanking business that time . He held court in a tavern by the canal docks , and people came from Flower Street , East Street , West Street and South Street , cash in hand , wanting their fortunes told . My own grandfather had his face read that time , and learned that his visage bespoke great fortune : a great talent would be born among his children 's children . I had just started elementary school then , and my grades really were quite good . My grandfather asked if I would attend university . He won 't stop there ! said the fortune teller . My grandfather was beside himself . The price was one hundred and fifty yuan : he gave two hundred . A few years later I moved to Beijing , though not to attend college as the fortune teller had predicted . In my junior year of high school , when I was seventeen , I withdrew from school because of weak nerves . I couldn 't concentrate on my books , couldn 't sleep , and all day long my head felt like it was trapped in the cursed circlet they used to control the Monkey King . If I 'd stayed in school , I would have gone mad . All my classmates were knuckling down , trying to edge their way through the door , while I wandered through the schoolyard like a lost spirit , an outsider , a nervous wreck . One day I found a secluded place and broke down and cried , then returned to my dorm , collected my things , and went home . I told my family I 'd rather die than continue my studies . I was done . My father couldn 't understand how a perfectly ordinary - looking head had gone so wrong . All right then , he said , it 's idleness you 're after , right ? Go with your uncle to Beijing and help him with his work . Earn yourself a little money , and give that strange head of yours a rest . So I followed Hong Sanwan to Beijing , and settled down in a one - storey house in the western suburbs of Haidian District . We really were out west - it wasn 't all that different from being in the countryside . When we weren 't in the city itself , the only way I could see it was by climbing onto the roof and looking east : Beijing was a patch of tropical rain forest , made up of endless tall buildings and the glow of neon lights . The work I did consisted specifically of pasting little advertisements everywhere . I did it for my uncle Hong Sanwan , who made and sold fake IDs . Baolai and I were responsible for advertising his services by disseminating his phone number as widely as possible throughout the city . Baolai was in his early twenties and had been doing this a while ; we slept in the same room , in bunk beds . There was another set of bunk beds in the room , where Xingjian and Miluo slept . They pasted advertisements for a different maker of fake IDs , named Chen Xingduo , and were both a little older than me . Now I 'll tell you about Xian Mingliang . I heard a voice speak those words , and after all those years my ears still twitched . At the time I was eating dinner with Baolai at a donkey - meat eatery near where we lived . No one else would ever say anything like that - even the tone of voice sounded deflated . I turned to see Xian Mingliang sitting at another table together with a fat man with black , oily hands . Xian Mingliang was sporting a ' 7 - 3 ' parted hairdo , and wearing jeans instead of his old black slacks . The cuffs of his jeans were frayed at the back from being stepped on , and I guessed he still wore them low on his hips . The right side of his mouth twisted up in a grin - he appeared to have drunk too much beer . As he propped his left leg up on a stool he caught sight of me and Baolai . ' Oh , you two ! ' He stood up and approached us . Xian Mingliang wanted a job in the fat man 's car repair garage , and after four bottles of beer , six donkey - meat sandwiches , and three plates of garlic cucumbers they 'd come to an agreement . Xian Mingliang was a skilled worker , and wasn 't asking much . Earlier , when he first arrived in Beijing , he 'd worked for a maker of fake IDs , and his specialty was making fake driver 's licences , but he 'd only made forty of them when his boss had been caught . That was the thing about this line of work - you could go in at any time . Lucky for Xian Mingliang he was a fast runner , otherwise he probably would have gone in too . He 'd gone hungry for two days before finding this garage boss . After he got married , Huang had insisted that he switch professions . After two years of apprenticeship he 'd be able to run his own boat . Then Huang could finally retire and dandle his granddaughter on his knee . A grandson would be even better - he was counting on Xian Mingliang . But Xian Mingliang wouldn 't listen : the only way in which he disobeyed Huang . The people on Flower Street praised Xian Mingliang , saying even a natural born son wouldn 't be so accommodating , and Huang had done well . But he refused to change his profession , because he 'd wanted to be a driver ever since he was small . When he didn 't have a car he 'd ride a bike or drive a tractor , and would help people run their tractor - barrows for free . Later he decided to follow Chen Zigui and finally became a driver , and could tell everyone he saw that wheels were round . ' I can 't be bothered to argue with them , ' he said with a smile when questioned about his docility . ' I just do what they say . They 're not asking me to commit murder or arson ; why should I worry about it ? I 'm fine so long as I can drive my truck - wheels are round , don 't you know ? ' His married life was happy , or at least it looked that way . He was very good to his abruptly - acquired two - year - old daughter , and would bring her back nice things to eat from his long hauls . The girl called him ' Papa ' as though he were her real father . But just when everyone had started thinking of him as a Flower Street native , something happened . He never thought the court should have ruled on the accident the way it did . Before he 'd died the poor man really had begged him : ' My friend , I 'm begging you to end it . I 've got no desire to live at all . Come on , friend , I 'll thank you even after I 'm dead . ' That struck Xian Mingliang as macabre , and the man had tried again : ' Friend , just back the truck up , my gratitude will know no bounds . ' Xian Mingliang thought it couldn 't be a great sin to grant a dying man his last wish , so he got back in the truck , his knees knocking , put it in reverse , and heard the man 's final cry of thanks . It was something that could only have happened at night . Given his skill as a driver , it also had to be at a fork in the road , and when he 'd been drinking . He 'd really pushed the boat out that day . At dusk , as he passed through the town of Tianchang in Anhui Province , the breeze had carried a sweet scent into the cab of his truck . It was a beautiful time of evening , and his truck seemed to fly . The colours of dusk rose up from the earth like drops of ink soaking up through paper , and the whole world sunk into black and grey . ' There 's nothing so relaxing as driving at this time of day . ' Even now Xian Mingliang thinks fondly of that evening . ' Then I got to the fork . Why must wheels be round ? ' His face begins to change ; his lips tremble . Then it was truly dark . A bicycle hurtled out of the right - hand fork , and bang - by the time he 'd braked to a halt , he 'd gone right over it . Xian Mingliang got out of his truck and heard someone crying out ; he knew immediately he 'd been in what they call an accident . He 'd never in his life imagined he 'd have an accident . Five meters behind the truck a man was lying next to his bicycle ; both were misshapen . The bike 's rear wheel was still spinning , with difficulty . The man spoke , agonizingly : ' Put me out of my misery . ' Xian Mingliang thought he 'd misheard . He steeled himself and approached the man . He was handicapped , there was a wooden crutch nearby - it was hard to imagine how he 'd ever gotten on the bicycle . But now he was paralyzed , the truck had crushed both his thighs . ' No . Look at me . ' He spoke haltingly . Though he wanted to die , he could hardly stand the pain . ' I waited for you at this fork for a long time . Just back up the truck , you 'll be doing me a favour . ' Then he began to beg . Xian Mingliang , who must have been scared out of his wits , agreed . ' ' He was asking me for help , I had to do it . As I backed up my whole body shook , from inside out , and I was covered in cold sweat - even my fingernails and toenails were sweating . Truly , you have to believe me : wheels are round no matter what . I backed the truck up five metres , six metres , seven metres , and I heard a great cry , a sort of cry of joy . I kept backing up until the front wheels crossed over as well . I didn 't know why he insisted on dying , but he wanted it so badly I had to help . Then I stopped the truck and sat by the roadside , completely soaked in sweat , waiting for the next car to come by . Ten minutes later a motorcycle appeared and I gave the driver ten yuan and told him : " Do me a favour , brother . Find a phone and call the police , tell them I 'm waiting for them here . " ' ' He told them everything , but the blue hats didn 't believe him - they believed him even less when they found he 'd been drinking . It was hopeless ; they would do what they needed to do . However you looked at it , he 'd run someone over . In court they asked him : ' Do you confess ? ' After he 'd done four of his five years they let him out for good behaviour . He couldn 't say whether his behaviour was good or not , he just did whatever they told him and spent the rest of the time napping against the wall . When he was awake he imagined his truck , from the whole to its parts and back to its whole again , mulling endlessly over every piece . In the last year he was given the opportunity to look after the upkeep of the prison vehicles ; that was when he was happiest . In order to spend as much time as possible with the vehicles he would break a little something here even as he fixed a little something there ; that way he could spend all his time going from vehicle to vehicle , as though it were a regular job . When he had no cars or trucks to fix he could still enjoy fixing wheelbarrows . When he got out the prison officials praised him : He 's a handy fellow . When he returned to Flower Street he found that things had changed - there was now a one - year - old infant boy in the family . He could have understood if the little guy were three or four , but he was only one : it was a surprise . But when you got right down to it , wheels were still round , and there was nothing that couldn 't be made sense of - if there was something you couldn 't make sense of , it was because you didn 't want to make sense of it . Xian Mingliang didn 't want to , but of course he understood . Huang was smoking silently with a hired boat - hand in the other room . Huang 's daughter sat across from Xian Mingliang , holding her yearling son , and said : Baolai and I met Xian Mingliang in a donkey - meat eatery . After the accident and his time in jail Xian Mingliang couldn 't find any work as a driver back home - no one would have him . Even Chen Zigui 's appeals on his behalf did no good . There were superstitions in that line of work : you couldn 't drive over clothing in the road , and you had to steer around dead cats and dogs , too : they were unlucky . Getting into an accident that resulted in loss of life was least auspicious of all . I examined Xian Mingliang 's new look : he 'd exchanged his shaven head for a parting , but clearly his hair was the only thing he 'd spent any time on . He 'd let his hair grow long just so that he could get a look at himself in the mirror , when he brushed it in the morning . A buddy in jail had told him that : you 've got to look at yourself in the mirror every day , you 've got to think about what you need . You can 't just muddle through the days . Xian Mingliang had nowhere to sleep that night and wanted to stay with us . That was fine with me , I could give him my bed and squeeze in with Baolai . Baolai was fat ; I was skinny . I wasn 't more than ninety kilos soaking wet . We had too much beer . Just before dawn Xian Mingliang woke with a bursting bladder , and as he headed for the bathroom he saw Baolai and me sitting on the top bunk like wise men on the mountaintop . Not only that , Xingjian and Miluo were lying awake as well . ' What are you all doing ? ' he asked . ' Mass qiqong ? ' By that point we really didn 't care if we slept or not . We mostly pasted our advertisements at night . We often didn 't get to bed until sun - up , and we 'd only knocked off early the night before because Xian Mingliang was visiting . He came back from the toilet and told us that we all ought to learn to snore , the louder the better . He 'd learned it on the inside . If you couldn 't do it , then forget about sleeping at night - everyone snored like it was a competition , each one louder than the next . Xian Mingliang 's snores were out of all proportion to his physique - he ought to have been fifty kilos fatter . ' Do your worst , ' he said to us . Despite that , he went to sleep on the roof the next night . He arranged himself on four chairs under the canopy of the sky , and the next morning awoke with his head soaked in dew . He 'd expected to live at the mechanic 's garage , but there wasn 't room and the stink of petrol was too strong anyway . With the door open the boss would worry about burglars , but with it closed he 'd be fumigated . He liked cars , but not enough to be fumigated . But he couldn 't sleep long term in the open air either - the wind changed to come from the north and Beijing cooled down . It was breezy on the roof . The roof was used for a lot of things : we played a card game called ' Ace of Spades ' up there . Whoever drew the Ace of Spades was the enemy of the other three . You had to keep that close to your chest . If they knew you had it they would gang up to destroy you , and if you were destroyed you had to treat everyone to beer and kebabs . Xian Mingliang would come up on the roof when business was slow in the garage and play ' Ace of Spades ' with us . It used to be Baolai who always drew the ace , but now Xian Mingliang drew it hand after hand , and hand after hand was attacked by the rest of us . Empty bottles from all the beer he treated us to were lined up in ranks along the wall . The roof had another important use : it was where we climbed up to look at Beijing . A couple of weeks later Xian Mingliang got his first salary advance , and rented a little room in the alley to the left of us . The first day he was too late to buy a sleeping mat , and he spent that night on the bare mattress . He lived simply , and enjoyed his work in the garage . He had a hobby , which was to gather together unused car parts - he said eventually he 'd have enough to make his own car . Normally such parts could be sold for scrap , and even the small ones brought in a little cash sometimes . His fat boss bemoaned the loss and said : ' You can take those away , but when customers come in the future you 've got to use the best parts on their cars ; you 've got to earn it back double . ' While I was out jogging I 'd often pass by his room . The doctor had told me that the best cure for weak nerves was jogging , which would gradually restore flexibility to flaccid nerves , and once they resembled elastic bands fresh from the factory , you were cured . So now I jogged every day , imagining my head to be full of elastic bands that grew gradually tighter the more I ran , and I 'd stop at his room any time he was home . The scrap metal heaped in the corner really was scrap , pitch black and filthy - given my weak nerves I lacked the imagination to see that heap becoming a shiny new car . But he had a detailed blueprint in his head , and knew precisely where each piece of wrecked metal would go . ' Behold , comrades , our mighty capital ! ' After a game of Ace of Spades , Miluo would gesture south - eastwards like a great leader , and that lyric right arm seemed to extend farther and farther until it became a bird that flew right over Beijing . We four young men ( counting me , who 'd never graduated from high school ) viewed this vast and bustling capital with boundless expectation . Everyone in the whole country knew this place was full of money , you only had to bend down and pick it up ; everyone in the whole country also knew that opportunity here was like birdshit - while you weren 't looking it would spatter on your head and make you rich . From what I 'd seen , however , there were fewer and fewer birds in Beijing ; the place used to be full of sparrows and crows but you hardly ever saw them now . They said it was because the glass in the skyscrapers dazzled them and led them to smash against the walls . There were still some parrots , thrushes , and magpies but they were mostly in cages ; you couldn 't expect them to fly up and shit opportunity on you . In the end we might be left with a single bird in the sky - Miluo 's lyric right hand , which no matter what would never shit on you . But that couldn 't disturb the sweet dreams of all the young people rushing towards Beijing . We gazed out from our heights . As the westering sun slowly sank the twilight rose up from the streets that lay like narrow ravines between the buildings , mixing with the exhaust from uncountable cars and the sour breath of the exhausted office workers heading home . We gazed on Beijing together . Xingjian said : ' If I could just earn enough , I 'd buy an apartment , marry a wife nine years older than me , and spend my days lying in bed . A twenty - eight - year - old woman … Just thinking about it gets me excited ! ' Miluo said : ' If I had money I 'd have a house and a wife , of course . Also I 'd take a taxi every time I left the house , I 'd take a taxi to the toilet ! And I 'd find a bunch of people , like you guys , to go around in the middle of the night and paste advertisements for me . I 'd have more money than fucking Chen Xingduo ! Too cheap to buy a car ? I told you I 've got no sense of direction , the Third Ring Road 's enough to make me dizzy . I could set out for Fangshan and end up in Pinggu . ' It was my turn . I didn 't actually know what I wanted . Maybe I should have let my hair grow and looked at myself in the mirror each morning . 500 , 000 - that must be what they meant by an ' astronomical figure ' . I had no idea how I would spend it . Would I build a new house where my sixty - year - old grandma and grandpa could live out their years ? Buy my dad a truckload of point - eight Zhongnanhai cigarettes ? Exchange my mother 's rotten teeth for a set of the best ceramic dentures , and then dye each one of her prematurely - white hairs back to black ? As for myself , if anyone could cure my weak nerves I 'd give them the rest of the money . We all looked at him . He hiked up his jeans ( at last I 'd seen him hike up his trousers ) and wiped his mouth - articulating his great ideal was a hazardous thing . Perhaps what he needed at that moment was a mirror . But he looked out over Beijing 's distant rolling skyline , his gaze soaring like Miluo 's right hand , then sliding on down to rest on a highway at the other end of the town . ' I 'd like a car , ' he said , dropping into his chair and propping one leg on the other . I 'd find some empty road and drive . Just keep driving . Wheels are round , you know . ' One evening Xian Mingliang visited our room and asked us to help him move . His voice was nasal , sounding as though it were coming from Beijing 's distant eastern suburbs . His nose dripped a clear liquid and his eyes were red . His room was so packed with spare parts that he 'd had to move his bed just outside the door , and after sleeping there two nights he 'd gotten a bad cold . We could hardly imagine how he could sleep on such chilly nights , a skyful of stars hanging over him . I felt his blanket - it seemed like a firm squeeze would wring water out of it . The five of us could only worm our way into the six - square - metre room through cracks and gaps . The scrap metal really was just junk , though he 'd arranged it convincingly ( we didn 't understand a thing , of course , but getting all those bits and bobs in one place had to count for something ) - filthy and black , it wasn 't very confidence - inspiring . We nearly exhausted ourselves moving the whole pile out under the eaves , then helping him bring his bed and an old table back inside . These two jobs done , we put up a little shack under the eaves , to cover the car guts - Xian Mingliang didn 't want them exposed to wind and sun and rain . Xian Mingliang knew exactly what to do with this incomprehensible pile . ' Just wait , ' he said . ' When it 's done I 'll take you out for a spin ; you can 't tell me wheels aren 't round . ' A week later he called us over again - the car guts were gradually taking shape , and needed to be moved to the garage , where they 'd eventually be joined up with a chassis and wheels . We borrowed a bicycle cart from the old grocer next door and made two creaking , straining trips . The fat boss wasn 't happy to have so many idle young men hanging around his garage , but Xian Mingliang passed him a cigarette and explained we were all buddies from the same street , and we were all clean . It was like we were there to steal something . What the fuck is this ? asked Xingjian . In the garage I saw a half - made car body welded together out of rusty metal sheeting , little droplets of metal stuck to the seams . There were wheels , too , four of them , apparently of different sizes . Xian Mingliang said he hadn 't been able to find four identical wheels , and it was a miracle that he 'd found two matching pairs . I 'd once thought that , if he couldn 't find four , he could just start by making a three - wheeled car . A three - wheeled car is still a car , and wheels are round . I couldn 't imagine how a three - wheeler would look driving along Beijing 's thoroughfares - perhaps like Neanderthals appearing on our Flower Street ? there ! ' We were waiting for the day when he drove himself over . And one weekend , after Xian Mingliang got off work , he really did drive over . Scared the crap out of us . I can say with confidence that no more than a handful of human beings have ever laid eyes on a car like that one : it was a monster . Its skin was still rusted sheeting - I mean not a speck of paint - that was all he could afford . Never mind that , there wasn 't even enough to go around : he 'd been obliged to make a convertible . The rust - spotted convertible was covered in bright patches where he 'd ground the metal droplets from the welding seams . Only those polished patches gleamed under the sun . Leaving aside the wretched seating , scavenged from other people 's castoffs , the major problem seemed to be that the front wheels were smaller than the back wheels , and the whole car seemed to lunge forward angrily . We got in and took a turn through the local alleys - it would be dangerous to go on the main roads without a licence plate . It wasn 't too strange , same as being in any other car , apart from the way it tilted forward : I had to brace my feet against the legs of the seat in front to keep from sliding forward . ' That was fixable : just raise the seat . ' The licence plate could also be resolved . A word from me and Hong Sanwan would make a fake one , and it wouldn 't cost more than a few bottles of beer . Two days later everything was sorted , and we decided to try the main roads . It had horsepower , just like Xian Mingliang said . It made a lot of noise , but it certainly moved . The low front and high back made it seem like it was raring to go , like it couldn 't be stopped . He 'd used the best materials he could find in the rubbish on this car . There weren 't many cars out at night in the countryside beyond the suburbs , and they all drove fast , but we overtook them all . We howled as we passed each one - the cold wind swept over the open car , and we had to do something to keep ourselves warm . The drivers we passed could only gaze in despair at our fake licence plate . Then , somewhere in Mentougou District , the engine stalled , and we were stranded in the wilds . Xinjian and the others got out and opened up the last two bottles of beer while I held the light for Xian Mingliang as he worked out what went wrong . As the beer cooled off we started feeling the chill ourselves . Xian Mingliang fiddled with every part he could think of , but the car remained a pile of metal , even colder than we were . Soon our main priority was getting warm , so Xian Mingliang gave up and set us collecting dry grass , branches and bricks from the side of the road . He drew a little gas from the tank and lit the branches , and we baked the bricks and rocks . Around the time that both we and the rocks started to warm up he suddenly slapped his forehead , reached behind the steering wheel ( formerly Honda ) , and the engine turned over . We hadn 't anticipated the influence ' Stallion ' would have : within ten days it was the mascot of the boss ' garage . Just parked outside it was a constant advertisement , less a car than a piece of rough - hewn art . What skills this mechanic must have , to create such a powerful , mad - looking machine out of abandoned parts ! The fat boss was happy at first , but less happy later : Xian Mingliang often left the car parked in his own alley , and when customers who 'd come to the garage to gawk - and maybe buy some spare parts and get some repairs done - saw nothing outside , they simply sped away . The garage was about a twenty - minute walk from where Xian Mingliang lived , a walk Xian Mingliang never minded before , but now that he had the Stallion it seemed awfully far . Worse than that was , any time it started to rain or blow he had to run over and put a raincoat on it . Then he had to come back . He wanted to buy some car sheeting and cover it up at the end of each work day - the money could come out of his salary . The boss glared at him : what was the difference between covering it up and just driving it away ? If he wanted to cover it , he could only cover the steering wheel and dashboard . That was infuriating , but Xian Mingliang had no choice - wherever the Stallion was it had to be protected from wind and rain ; he had to go and swaddle it . But that wasn 't the end of the issue : some meddling bastard came to the boss wanting to buy it . He thought it was cool , it had personality : the perfect combination of artistry and practicality . ' Sure , it 's cool , ' the guy said . ' But it 's the roughness I like . I 'll give you a figure . ' He wiggled some fingers , wiggling the fat boss right out of his gourd . He revealed this figure to no one , but it was enough to buy a brand - new Toyota . The guy added that scrap metal by itself was worthless , but once made into something like this … The boss brought Xian Mingliang to the donkey - meat place and ordered four bottles of beer , four donkey - meat sandwiches , and a plate of five - spice donkey meat . There 's something we 've got to discuss , he said . Xian Mingliang drank the beer and ate the meat : ' What 's on your mind ? ' Well just sign here , then . ' The boss pulled a paper out of his trouser pocket . At the top was written : Deed of Transfer . He 'd already signed under his own name . Xian Mingliang said it was the first time in his life he 'd just walked out . He stood , called for the bill , dropped thirty kuai on the table , and left . He came to our place to finish dinner . His luck was bad , he was caught out with the Ace of Spades , and had to pay for four bottles of beer . At the time we had no idea that a price had been offered for Stallion , we were just pissed at how he 'd been treated : ' Our Xian Mingliang grubbed in the trash each night , putting it together screw by screw and you were just going to take it away ? ' we wanted to say to the guy . ' Are you local government or something ? ' ' Yup , ' said Xian Mingliang . ' Wheels are round . All I wanted was a car . Even one as run - down as this : why was that so hard ? ' ' He said I 'd already broken the law . And I 've got a record , if they take me in again I 'll never come out . God damn , wheels are round . ' That day he played Ace of Spades with us on the roof until we couldn 't see the cards in our hands . He treated us to beer , donkey - meat sandwiches and five - spice donkey meat . As the sky darkened we couldn 't see his expression , and couldn 't be bothered to look too closely ; we all had good hands , and were fidgeting in our haste to catch the Ace . The five - spice donkey meat was excellent , it included donkey heart , donkey liver , donkey lungs , donkey tripe , and so on . A couple of days later we heard that something had happened to Xian Mingliang . Something had happened to his fat boss , too - when he was going to make a booze delivery to the Zhang family at the foot of the Fragrant Hills . Xian Mingliang asked if he could drive the Stallion there . He drove fast - it was the Stallion , after all - and as he was making a left turn the front left tire fell off . His boss , sitting in the passenger seat , flew out of the car then turned over a few times with it . The remaining three differently - sized wheels spun against the evening sky . The boss went headfirst into a tree trunk and pushed his head right into his chest - it took the doctors ages to pull it out . The four of us went to visit Xian Mingliang where he lay in the hospital with four broken ribs . His head was wrapped in an enormous bandage , and his left arm was broken . Miluo - who 'd resolved never to drive a car as long as he lived - timidly asked the question we were all curious about : why hadn 't the boss worn his seat belt ? ' They did , ' we said . ' It rolled into the dry grass at the roadside . Don 't worry , it didn 't lose its shape - it was still round . ' " Listening to Hon Lai - chu at ACCL2017 . She 's also our author of the month ! ( With translator Andrea Lingenfelter ) . … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … " |
Poor john was greatly troubled , because his father was very ill and could not recover . Except for these two , there was no one in their small room . The lamp on the table had almost burned out , for it was quite late at night . John cried bitterly , for now he had no one in all the world , neither father nor mother , sister nor brother . Poor John ! He knelt at the bedside , and kissed his dead father 's hand . He cried many salty tears , until at last his eyes closed , and he fell asleep with his head resting against the hard bed - stead . Then he had a strange dream . He saw the sun and the moon bow down to him . He saw his father well again and strong , and heard him laughing as he always laughed when he was happy . A beautiful girl , with a crown of gold on her lovely long hair , stretched out her hand to John , and his father said , " See what a bride you have won . She is the loveliest girl in the world . " Then he awoke , and all these fine things were gone . His father lay cold and dead on the bed , and there was no one with them . Poor John ! The following week the dead man was buried . John walked close behind the coffin ; he could no longer see his kind father , who had loved him so . He heard how they threw the earth down upon the coffin , and watched the last corner of it until a shovel of earth hid even that . He was so sad that he felt as if his heart were breaking in pieces . Then those around him sang a psalm which sounded so lovely that tears came to his eyes . He cried , and that did him good in his grief . The sun shone in its splendor down on the green trees , as if to say , " John , you must not be so unhappy . Look up and see how fair and blue the sky is . Your father is there , praying to the good Lord that things will always go well with you . " " I 'll always be good , " John said . " Then I shall go to join my father in heaven . How happy we shall be to see each other again ! How much I shall have to tell him , and how much he will have to show me and to teach me about the joys of heaven , just as he used to teach me here on earth . Oh , what joy that will be ! " He could see it all so clearly that he smiled , even though tears were rolling down his cheeks . The little birds up in the chestnut trees twittered , " Chirp , chirp ! Chirp , chirp ! " They were so happy and gay , for although they had attended a funeral they knew very well that the dead man had gone to heaven , where he now wore wings even larger and lovelier than theirs . They knew that he was happy now , because here on earth he had been a good man , and this made them glad . John saw them fly from the green trees far out into the world , and he felt a great desire to follow them . But first he carved a large wooden cross to mark his father 's grave . When he took it there in the evening he found the grave neatly covered with sand and flowers . Strangers had done this , for they had loved the good man who now was dead . Early the next morning , John packed his little bundle and tucked his whole inheritance into a money belt . All that he had was fifty dollars and a few pieces of silver , but with this he meant to set off into the world . But first he went to the churchyard , where he knelt and repeated the Lord 's Prayer over his father 's grave . Then he said , " Farewell , father dear ! Ill always be good , so you may safely pray to our Lord that things will go well with me . " The fields through which he passed were full of lovely flowers that flourished in the sunshine and nodded in the breeze , as if to say , " Welcome to the green pastures ! Isn 't it nice here ? " But John turned round for one more look at the old church where as a baby he had been baptised , and where he had gone with his father every Sunday to sing the hymns . High up , in one of the belfry windows , he saw the little church goblin with his pointed red cap , raising one arm to keep the sun out of his eyes . John nodded good - by to him , and the little goblin waved his red cap , put his hand on his heart , and kissed his finger tips to him again and again , to show that he wished John well and hoped that he would have a good journey . As John thought of all the splendid things he would see in the fine big world ahead of him , he walked on and on - farther away than he had ever gone before . He did not even know the towns through which he passed , nor the people whom he met . He was far away among strangers . The first night he slept under a haystack in the fields , for he had no other bed . But he thought it very comfortable , and the king himself could have no better . The whole field , the brook , the haystack , and the blue sky overhead , made a glorious bedroom . The green grass patterned with red and white flowers was his carpet . The elder bushes and hedges of wild roses were bouquets of flowers , and for his wash bowl he had the whole brook full of clear fresh water . The reeds nodded their heads to wish him both " Good night , " and " Good morning . " The moon was really a huge night lamp , high up in the blue ceiling where there was no danger of its setting fire to the bed curtains . John could sleep peacefully , and sleep he did , never once waking until the sun rose and all the little birds around him began singing , " Good morning ! Good morning ! Aren 't you up yet ? " The church bells rang , for it was Sunday . People went to hear the preacher , and John went with them . As he sang a hymn and listened to God 's Word , he felt just as if he were in the same old church where he had been baptised , and where he had sung the hymns with his father . There were many , many graves in the churchyard , and some were overgrown with high grass . Then John thought of his own father 's grave and of how it too would come to look like these , now that he could no longer weed and tend it . So he knelt down to weed out the high grass . He straightened the wooden crosses that had fallen , and replaced the wreaths that the wind had blown from the graves . " Perhaps , " he thought , " someone will do the same for my fathers grave , now that I cannot take care of it . " Outside the churchyard gate stood an old beggar , leaning on his crutch and John gave him the few pieces of silver that he had . Happy and high - spirited , John went farther on - out into the wide world . Toward nightfall the weather turned dreadfully stormy . John hurried along as - fast as he could to find shelter , but it soon grew dark . At last he came to a little church which stood very lonely upon a hill . Fortunately the door was ajar , and he slipped inside to stay until the storm abated . " I 'll sit down here in the corner , " he said , " for I am very tired and need a little rest . " So he sat down , put his hands together , and said his evening prayer . Before he knew it he was fast asleep and dreaming , while it thundered and lightened outside . When he woke up it was midnight . The storm had passed , and the moon shone upon him through the window . In the middle of the church stood an open coffin and in it lay a dead man , awaiting burial . John was not at all frightened . His conscience was clear , and he was sure that the dead do not harm anyone . It is the living who do harm , and two such harmful living men stood beside the dead one , who had been put here in the church until he could be buried . They had a vile scheme to keep him from resting quietly in his coffin . They intended to throw his body out of the church - the helpless dead man 's body . Why do you want to do such a thing ? " John asked . " It is a sin and a shame . In Heaven 's name , let the man rest . " " Stuff and nonsense ! " the two evil men exclaimed . " He cheated us . He owed us money which he could not pay , and now that he has cheated us by dying we shall not get a penny of it . So we intend to revenge ourselves . Like a dog he shall lie outside the church door . " " I have only fifty dollars , " John cried . " It is my whole inheritance , but I 'll give it to you gladly if you will solemnly promise to let the poor dead man rest in peace . I can do without the money . I have my healthy , strong arms , and Heaven will always help me . " They took the money he gave them and went away roaring with laughter at his simplicity . John laid the body straight again in its coffin , folded its hands , and took his leave . He went away through the great forest , very well pleased . All around him , wherever moonlight fell between the trees , he saw little elves playing merrily . They weren 't disturbed when he came along because they knew he was a good and innocent fellow . It is only the wicked people who never are allowed to see the elves . Some of the elves were no taller than your finger , and their long yellow hair was done up with golden combs . Two by two , they seesawed on the big raindrops , which lay thick on the leaves and tall grass . Sometimes the drops rolled from under them , and then they tumbled down between the grass blades . The little manikins would laugh and made a great to - do about it , for it was a very funny sight . They sang , and John knew all their pretty little songs , which had been taught him when he was a small boy . Big spotted spiders , wearing silver crowns , were kept busy spinning long bridges and palaces from one bush to another , and as the tiny dewdrops formed on these webs they sparkled like glass in the moonlight . All this went on until sunrise , when the little elves hid in the buds of flowers . Then the wind struck the bridges and palaces , which were swept away like cobwebs . " I 'm bound for the wide world , " John told him . " I have neither father nor mother . I am a poor boy , but I am sure the Lord will look after me . " The sun was high in the heavens when they sat down under a big tree to eat their breakfast . Just then an old woman came hobbling along . Oh ! she was so old that she bent almost double and walked with a crutch . On her back was a load of firewood she had gotten from the forest . Her apron was tied up and John could see these big bunches of fern fronds and willow switches sticking out . As she came near the two travelers , her foot slipped . She fell down , and screamed aloud , for the poor old woman had broken her leg . " That 's a very high price ! " The old woman dubiously nodded her head . She did not want to give up the switches , but it was not very pleasant to lie there with a broken leg , so she let him have the three bunches . No sooner had he rubbed her with the salve than the old woman got to her feet and walked off much better than she had come - all this the salve could do . Obviously it was not the sort of thing you can buy from the apothecary . " No , " his comrade said , " those are not clouds . They are mountains - splendid high mountains , where you can get clear above the clouds into perfectly fresh air . It is glorious , believe me . Tomorrow we shall certainly be far up in the world . " But they were not so near as they seemed to be . It took a whole day to reach the mountains , where the dark forests rose right up to the skies , and where the boulders were almost as large as a whole town . To climb over all of them would be heavy going indeed , so John and his companion went to an inn to rest and strengthen themselves for tomorrow 's journey . Down in the big tap - room at the inn were many people , because a showman was there with a puppet - show . He had just set up his little theatre , and the people sat there waiting to see the play . Down in front , a burly old butcher had taken a seat , the very best one too , and his big bulldog - how vicious it looked - sat beside him , with his eyes popping as wide as everyone else 's . Then the play started . It was a very pleasant play , all about a king and a queen who sat on a velvet throne . They wore gold crowns on their heads and long trains to their costumes , all of which they could very well afford . The prettiest little wooden dolls , with glass eyes and big mustaches , stood by to open and shut all the doors so that fresh air might come into the room . It was a very pleasant play , it wasn 't sad at all . But just as the queen rose and swept across the stage - heaven only knows what possessed the big bulldog to do it - as the fat butcher was not holding him , the dog made a jump right on to the stage , snatched up the queen by her slender waist , and crunched her until she cracked in pieces . It was quite tragic ! The poor showman was badly frightened , and quite upset about the queen ; for she was his prettiest little puppet , and the ugly bulldog had bitten off her head . But after a while , when the audience had gone , the stranger who had come with John said that he could soon mend her . He produced his little jar , and rubbed the puppet with some of the ointment that had cured the poor old woman who had broken her leg . The moment the salve was applied to the puppet , she was as good as new - nay , better . She could even move by herself , and there was no longer any need to pull her strings . Except hat she could not speak , the puppet was just like a live woman . The showman was delighted that he didn 't have to pull strings for this puppet , who could dance by herself . None of the others could do that . In the night , after everyone in the inn had gone to bed , someone was heard sighing so terribly , and the sighs went on for so long , that everybody got up to see who it could be . The showman went straight to his little theatre , because the sighs seemed to come from there . All the wooden puppets were in a heap , with the king and his attendants mixed all together , and it was they who sighed so profoundly . They looked so pleading with their big glass eyes , and all of them wanted to be rubbed a little , just as the queen had been , so that they too would be able to move by themselves . The queen went down on her knees and held out her lovely golden crown as if to say : " Take even this from me , if you will only rub my king and his courtiers . " The poor showman felt so sorry for them that he could not keep back his tears . Immediately he promised the traveling companion to give him all the money he would take in at the next performance , if only he would anoint four or five of the nicest puppets . But the traveling companion said he would not take any payment , except the big sword that hung at the showman 's side . On receiving it he anointed six of the puppets , who began to dance so well that all the girls , the real live girls who were watching , began to dance too . The coachman danced with the cook , and the waiter with the chambermaid . All the guests joined the dance , and the shovel and tongs did too , but these fell down as soon as they took their first step . It was a lively night indeed ! Next morning , John and his companion set off up the lofty mountainside and through the vast pine forests . They climbed so high that at last the church towers down below looked like little red berries among all that greenery . They could see in the distance , many and many a mile away , places where neither of them had ever been . Never before had John seen so many of the glories of this lovely world at once . The sun shone bright in the clear blue air , and along the mountainside he could also hear the hunters sounding their horns . It was all so fair and sweet that tears came into his eyes , and he could not help crying out , " Almighty God , I could kiss your footsteps in thankfulness for all the splendors that you have given us in this world . " His traveling companion also folded his hands and looked out over the woods and towns that lay before them in the warm sunlight . Just then they heard a wonderful sound overhead . They looked up , and saw a large white swan sweeping above them and singing as they had never before heard any bird sing . But the song became fainter and fainter , until the bird bowed his head and dropped slowly down dead at their feet - the lovely bird ! " Two such glorious wings ! " said the traveling companion . " Wings so large and white as these are worth a good deal of money . I 'll take them with me . You can see now what a good thing it was that I got a sword . " With one stroke he cut off both wings of the dead swan , for he wanted to keep them . They journeyed many and many a mile over the mountains , until at last they saw a great town rise before them , with more than a hundred towers that shone like silver in the sun . In the midst of the town there was a magnificent marble palace , with a roof of red gold . That was where the King lived . John and his companion did not want to enter the town at once . They stopped at a wayside inn outside the town to put on fresh clothes , for they wanted to look presentable when they walked through the streets . The innkeeper told them what the King was a good man who never harmed anyone . But as for his daughter - Heaven help us - she was a bad Princess . She was pretty enough . No one could be more lovely or more entertaining than she - but what good did that do ? She was a wicked witch , who was responsible for many handsome Princes ' losing their lives . She had decreed that any man might come to woo her . Anybody might come , whether he were Prince or beggar , it made no difference to her , but he must guess the answer to three questions that she asked him . If he knew the answers , she would marry him and he would be King over all the land when her father died . But if he could not guess the right answers , she either had him hanged or had his head chopped off . That was how bad and wicked the beautiful Princess was . The old King , her father , was terribly distressed about it , but he could not keep her from being so wicked , because he had once told her that he would never concern himself with her suitors - she could do as she liked with them . Whenever a Prince had come to win the Princess 's hand by making three guesses , he had failed . Then he was either hanged or beheaded , for each suitor was warned beforehand , when he was still free to abandon his courtship . The old King was so distressed by all this trouble and grief that for one entire day every year he and all his soldiers went down on their knees to pray that the Princess might reform ; but she never would . As a sign of mourning , old women who drank schnapps would dye it black before they quaffed it - so deeply - did they mourn - and more than that they couldn 't do . " Hurrah ! " they heard people shout outside the inn . The Princess was passing by , and she was so very beautiful that everyone who saw her forgot how wicked she was , and everyone shouted " Hurrah . " Twelve lovely maidens , all dressed in white silk and carrying golden tulips , rode beside her on twelve coal - black horses . The Princess herself rode a snow - white horse , decorated with diamonds and rubies . Her riding costume was of pure gold , and the whip that she carried looked like a ray of sunlight . The gold crown on her head twinkled like the stars of heaven , and her cloak was made from thousands of bright butterfly wings . But she herself it ; was far lovelier than all these things . When John first set eyes on her , his face turned red - as red as blood - and he could hardly speak a single word . The Princess was the living image of the lovely girl with the golden crown , of whom he had dreamed on the night when his father died . He found the Princess so fair that he could not help falling in love with her . Everyone told him he ought not to try it , lest he meet with the same fate that had befallen the others . His traveling companion also tried to persuade him not to go , but John felt sure he would succeed . He brushed his shoes and his coat , washed his face and his hands , and combed his handsome blond hair . Then , all alone , he went through the town to the palace . " Come in , " the old King said when John came knocking at his door . As John opened it the old King advanced to meet him , wearing a dressing gown and a pair of embroidered slippers . He had his crown on his head , his sceptre in one hand , and his orb in the other . " Just a minute , " he said , tucking the orb under his arm so that he could offer a hand to John . But the moment he heard that John had come as a suitor , he fell to sobbing so hard that both the orb and sceptre dropped to the floor , and he had to use his dressing gown to wipe his eyes . The poor old King ! Then he led John into the Princess 's pleasure garden , where he saw a fearful thing . From every tree hung three or four Kings ' sons who had been suitors of the Princess but had not been able to answer the questions she put to them . The skeletons rattled so in every breeze that they terrified the little birds , who never dared come to the garden . All the flowers were tied to human bones , and human skulls grinned up from every flower pot . What a charming garden for a Princess ! " There ! " said the old King , " you see . It will happen to you as it happened to all these you see here . Please don 't try it . You would make me awfully unhappy , for I take these things deeply to heart . John kissed the good old King 's hand , and said he was sure everything would go well ; for he was infatuated with the Princess 's beauty . Just then the Princess and all of her ladies rode into the palace yard , so they went over to wish her good morning . She was lovely to look at , and when she held out her hand to John he fell in love more deeply than ever . How could she be such a wicked witch as all the people called her ? The whole party went to the palace hall , where little pages served them jam and gingerbread . But the old King was so miserable that he couldn 't eat anything at all . Besides , the gingerbread was too hard for his teeth . However , John was not at all afraid of his trial . Far from it ! he was jubilant , and thought only of how lovely the Princess was . He felt sure that help would come to him , though he didn 't know how it would come , and he preferred not to think about it . He fairly danced along the road when he returned to the inn , where his comrade awaited him . John could not stop telling him how nicely the Princess had treated him , and how lovely she was . He said that he could hardly wait for tomorrow to come , when he would go to the palace and try his luck in guessing . But his comrade shook his head , and was very sad . " I am so fond of you , " he said , " and we might have been comrades together for a long while to come , but now I am apt to lose you soon , poor , dear John ! I feel like crying , but I won 't spoil your happiness this evening , which is perhaps the last one we shall ever spend together . We shall be as merry as merry can be , and tomorrow , when you are gone , I 'll have time enough for my tears . " Everyone in the town had heard at once that the Princess had a new suitor , and therefore everyone grieved . The theatre was closed ; the women who sold cakes tied crape around their sugar pigs ; the King and the preachers knelt in the churches ; and there was widespread lamentation . For they were all sure that John 's fate would be no better than that of all those others . Late that evening , the traveling companion made a large bowl of punch , and said to John , " Now we must be merry and drink to the health of the Princess . " But when John had drunk two glasses of the punch he felt so sleepy that he couldn 't hold his eyes open , and he fell sound asleep . His comrade quietly lifted him from the chair and put him to bed . As soon as it was entirely dark he took the two large wings he had cut off the swan , and fastened them to his own shoulders . Then he put into his pocket the biggest bunch of switches that had been given him by the old woman who had : fallen and broken her leg . He opened the window and flew straight over the house tops to the palace , where he sat down in a corner under the window which looked into the Princess 's bedroom . All was quiet in the town until the clock struck a quarter to twelve . Then the window opened and the Princess flew out of it , cloaked in white and wearing long black wings . She soared over the town to a high mountain , but the traveling companion had made himself invisible , so that she could not see him as he flew after her and lashed her so hard with his switch that he drew blood wherever he struck . Ah , how she fled through the air ! The wind caught her cloak , which billowed out from her like a sail , and the moonlight shone through it . At last she came to the mountain and knocked on it . With a thunderous rumbling , the mountainside opened and the Princess went in . No one saw the traveling companion go in after her , for he had made himself completely invisible . They went down a big , long passage where the walls were lighted in a peculiar fashion . Thousands of glittering spiders ran along he walls and gave off a fiery glow . Then they entered a vast hall , built of silver and gold . Red and blue blossoms the size of sunflowers covered the walls , but no one could pick them , for the stems were ugly poisonous snakes , and the flowers were flames darting out between their fangs . The ceiling was alive with glittering glow - worms , and sky - blue bats that zapped their transparent wings . The place looked really terrible ! A throne in the center of the floor was held up by four horse skeletons in a harness of fiery red spiders . The throne itself was of milk - colored glass , and its cushions consisted of little black mice biting each other 's tails . The canopy above it was made of rose - red spider webs , speckled with charming little green flies that sparkled like emeralds . On the throne sat an old sorcerer , with a crown on his hideous head and a sceptre in his hand . He kissed the Princess on her forehead , and made her sit with him on the costly throne as the music struck up . Big black grasshoppers played upon mouth - harps , and the owl beat upon his own stomach , because he had no drum . It was a most fantastic concert ! Many tiny goblins , with will - o ' - the - wisps stuck in their little caps , capered around the hall . Nobody could see the traveling companion , who had placed himself behind the throne , where he could see and hear everything . The courtiers who now appeared seemed imposing and stately enough , but any - one with an observing eye could soon see what it all meant . They were mere cabbage heads stuck upon broomsticks , which the sorcerer had dressed in embroidered clothes and conjured into liveliness . But that didn 't matter , for they were only needed to keep up appearances . " Listen to me , " said the sorcerer , " I 'll tell you what ; you must think of something commonplace and then he will never guess what it is . Think of one of your shoes . He won 't guess that . Then off with his head , and when you come tomorrow night remember to fetch me his eyes , so that I may eat them . " The Princess made a low curtsey , and promised not to forget about the eyes . The sorcerer opened the mountain for her , and she flew homeward . But the traveling companion flew behind her and thrashed her so hard with his switch that she bitterly complained of the fearful hailstorm , and made all the haste she could to get back through the open window of her bedroom . The traveling companion flew back to the inn , where John was still asleep . Taking off the wings he tumbled into bed , for he had good reason to feel tired . It was very early the next morning when John awoke . When his comrade arose he told John of a very strange dream he had had about the Princess and one of her shoes . He begged him to ask the Princess if she didn 't have one of her shoes in mind . This , of course , was what he had overheard the sorcerer say in the mountain , but he didn 't tell John about that . He merely told him to be sure to guess that the Princess had her shoe in mind . " I may as well ask about that as anything else , " John agreed . " Maybe your dream was true , for I have always thought that God would look after me . However , I 'll be saying good - by , because if I guess wrong I shall never see you again . " They embraced , and John went straight through the town and up to the palace . The whole hall was packed with people . The judges sat in their armchairs , with eiderdown pillows behind their heads because they had so much to think about , and the old King stood there wiping his eyes with a white handkerchief . Then the Princess entered . She was even lovelier than she was the day before , and she bowed to everyone in the most agreeable fashion . To John she held out her hand and wished him , " Good morning to you . " John was required to guess what she had in mind . She looked at him most charmingly until she heard him say the one word " shoe . " Her face turned chalk - white and she trembled from head to foot . But there was nothing she could do about it . His guess was right . Merciful Heavens ! How glad the old King was . He turned heels over head for joy , and everyone applauded both his performance and that of John , who had guessed rightly the first time . The traveling companion beamed with delight when he heard how well things had gone . But John clasped his hands together and thanked God , who he was sure would help him through the two remaining trials . The following day he was to guess again . That evening went by just like the previous one . As soon as John was asleep , his comrade flew behind the Princess to the mountain and thrashed her even harder than before , for this time he had taken two scourges of switches . No one saw him , but he heard all that was said . The Princess was to think of her glove , and he told this to John as if he had dreamed it . Naturally , John had no trouble in guessing correctly , and there was unbounded rejoicing in the palace . The whole court turned heels over head as they had seen the King do on the first occasion . But the Princess lay on her sofa , without a word to say . Now everything depended on John 's answer to the third question . If it was right , he would get the lovely Princess and inherit the whole kingdom after the old King died . But if he guessed wrong , he would forfeit his life , and the wizard would eat his beautiful blue eyes . The night was pitch black . A gale blew so hard that it swept tiles from the roofs . In the garden where the skeletons dangled , the trees bent before the blast like reeds . Lightning flashed every moment , and thunder kept up one unbroken roar the whole night through . The window was flung open , and out flew the Princess . She was deathly pale , but she laughed at the weather and thought it was not bad enough . Her white cloak lashed about in the wind like the sail of a ship , and the traveling companion thrashed her with his three switches until blood dripped to the ground . She could scarcely fly any farther , but at last she came to the mountain . " He won 't guess it this time , " said the sorcerer . " I shall hit upon something that he will never guess unless he 's a greater magician than I am . But first let 's have our fun . He took the Princess by both hands , and they danced around with all the little goblins and will - o ' - the - wisps that were in the hall . The red spiders spun merrily up and down the walls , the fiery flowers seemed to throw off sparks , the owl beat the drum , the crickets piped , and the black grasshoppers played on mouth organs . It was an extremely lively ball . Away they flew through the storm , and the traveling companion wore out all three scourges on their backs . Never had the sorcerer felt such a hailstorm . As he said good - by to the Princess outside the palace , he whispered to her , " Think of my head . " The hall was so full of people that they were packed together as closely as radishes tied together in a bundle . The judges sat in their chairs with the soft pillows . The old King had put on his new clothes , and his crown and sceptre had been polished to look their best . But the Princess was deathly pale , and she wore black , as if she were attending a funeral . " Of what have I thought ? " she asked John . He at once untied the handkerchief , and was quite frightened himself when he saw the sorcerer 's hideous head roll out of it . Everyone there shuddered at this terrible sight , but the Princess sat like stone , without a word to say . Finally she got up and gave John her hand , for his guess was good . She looked no one in the face , but sighed and said : All the people shouted " Hurrah ! " The military band played in the streets , the bells rang out , and the cake women took the crape off their sugar pigs , now that everyone was celebrating . Three entire oxen stuffed with ducks and chickens were roasted whole in the center of the market square , and everyone could cut himself a piece of them . The fountains spurted up the best of wine . Whoever bought a penny bun at the bakery got six large buns thrown in for good measure , and all the buns had raisins in them . That evening the entire town was illuminated . The soldiers fired their cannon , and the boys set off firecrackers . At the palace there was eating and drinking , dancing and the clinking of glasses . All the lordly gentlemen and all the lovely ladies danced together . For a long way off you could hear them sing : But the Princess was still a witch , and she had no love for John at all . His comrade kept this in mind , and gave him three feathers from the swan 's wings , and a little bottle with a few drops of liquid in it . He said that John must put a large tub of water beside the Princess 's bed , and just as she was about to get in bed he must give her a little push , so that she would tumble into the tub . There he must dip her three times , after he had thrown the feathers and the drops of liquid into the water . That would free her from the spell of sorcery , and make her love him dearly . John did everything his companion had advised him to do , though the Princess shrieked as he dipped her into the water , and struggled as he held her in the shape of a large black swan with flashing eyes . The second time , she came out of the water as a swan entirely white except for a black ring around its neck . John prayed hard , and as he forced the bird under the water once more it changed into the beautiful Princess . She was fairer than ever , and she thanked him with tears in her beautiful eyes for having set her free from the sorcerer 's spell . In the morning the old King came with all his court , and congratulations lasted all through the day . Last of all came John 's traveling companion ; he had his stick in his hand and the knapsack on his back . John embraced him time and again , and said that he must not leave - them . He must stay here with John , who owed all his happiness to him . But the traveling companion shook his head . Gently and kindly he said : " No , my time is now up . I have done no more than pay my debt to you . Do you remember the dead man whom the wicked men wanted to harm ? You gave all that you had so that he might have rest in his grave . I am that dead man . " And at once he disappeared . The wedding celebration lasted a whole month . John and his Princess loved each other dearly , and the old King lived on for many a happy day to let their little children ride astride his knee and play with his sceptre . But it was John who was King over all the land . |
I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! At first Annaliel was completely speechless , but she did not protest , how could she when she had been the one to out herself in such a situation ? Her parents gave her plenty of chances to choose a man on her own , taking her to balls and dinner parties while introducing her to every available male in the room . She of course had not spoke to any longer than needed and often avoided them , her hiding only seeming to make them chase her more . She only nodded at her mother and went to her room when she was told to go prepare for a meeting with him , the suitor would be coming with his parents that afternoon . Annaliel could feel her throat swelling with nervousness as she thought about this suitor . What would he be like ? Would he be horrible and supressive or rude and flirtatious ? More importantly , what could she even say to him ? She didn 't even now his name ! Her mind could only come up with horrible pictures of him , each worse than the last . The suddening ringing of a bell startled her and her heart only seemed to race with nervousness and insecurity even more . That had been the door . . . He was here . Annaliel glanced at the mirror once more before darting to her window for a small peek . She had not been able to see who stepped out of the carriage , they were already at the door . She did take note that is was a fine carriage with beautiful horses , meaning that whomever she was meeting today was of great wealth . She would wait just a bit longer , just until they were taken to the sitting room by her parents and given tea , at least that way she wouldn 't have to face him right away . . . Constantine Evingsdale , the very handsome and eldest son of the Duke of Hemmingsway . Vain , selfish , charming , and much of a heartbreaker , it 's hard to imagine that he of all people was getting married ! " Married ? ! " some would say , " That 's impossible ! ! ! " But , much to Constantine 's displeasure , he was . He could hardly believe it himself . A couple nights ago , he had come home , late in the night as drunk as an Irishman with 2 equally drunk prostitutes on his arm . Even though he had thought he had come in quietly enough so that he wouldn 't wake his parents , he was wrong . In fact , his parents already awake anyway , desperately and angrily awaiting for him to return . Of course , they were even more distraught by the state of their son and the 2 young girls he had carried up to his room , but it didn 't matter beacause they had something to tell him that he wouldn 't like at all . It was the argument above all arguments Constantine had ever had with his parents , and as he drunkingly tried to change their minds , it soon became clear that nothing could be done . They left him in his room to knock over various things and yell in rage . He had never thought that that night would be the last night he 'd be able to sleep with whomever he pleased without question . Of course , he was still going to try and sneak a few girls around whether he was betrothed or not . He was Constantine Evingsdale not a husband . In fact , he already had planned himself a way out of this engagement which he would take into effect after he met this " pretty young lady " his parents had swooned at him over the dinner table the night before the meeting . And now , here he was , in his best and most expensive suit riding in the carriage to meet his " betrothed " and her family . Constantine sat slumped down in the seat across from his parents carelessly holding the bouquet of roses he was to give her . He wanted this to be over with and fast , but his parents made it clear they thought otherwise . " Constantine , quit slumping and hold that bouquet right ! And don 't even dare think you 're going to do anything in front of that family or to that girl to ruin this ! " the Coriella Evingsdale yelled to her son . She was sitting beside the Duke in her finest dress with the most uninterested air around her . She was as posh and stuck - up as they come , but cared enough for her eldest son to get him the best girl , possible . And she had , too ! Both she and the Duke made absolute sure that this family was rich and poised enough to meet their standards , so that when Constantine became Duke , not just any old girl would be at his side . Constantine sat up straight and looked out the window as the carriage driver pulled in front of the house . Scoffing he stated , " It 's so small compared to our estate ! What kind of hooker did you put me up with ? ! " Duke Arelson Evingsdale whapped his son on the head at this comment , and corrected him , " She is absolutely NOT a hooker ! Unlike those women you bring home every night ! Now straighten your clothes we 're getting out ! " Constantine got out of the carriage quickly behind his parents as they knocked on the door . In a matter of minutes , he was going to meet his " bride - to - be " . Not that he was excited or anything . I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! The door was quickly answer by a maid who pulled the door open and stepped back , allowing them to enter . Off to the side a lovely woman stood her arms open and a smile on her face as she approched the family , another maid popping up and collecting any hats , golves or coats that they wished to shed . It was Annaliel 's mother , Milicent Arkworth . Behind her was her husband , Oscar Ackworth . He smiled at Duke Arelson , giving him a look that said it was going to be a long tea time . " Coriella , I am so glad to see you again , it as been far to long since Sir Dennmen 's Ball ! " She said as she approched Constantine 's mother first . In fact , it was the to women to blame for the current situation , both having met each other at the ball and ended up slipping into conversation over their children . After a few brandies and a discovery that each had what the other needed , A match was made ! The husbands went along with it since it seemed that they didn 't have much else of a choice . Milicent looked to Constantine and her smile widened . " And this is him ! Oh you are ever more handsome than your mother discribed ! Well , Annaliel is finishing up some morning lesson but she will be joining us shortly , so until she does let 's all go to parlor and have a seat , the tea will be ready in a moment ! " She said . While Anneliel 's parents chatted with the family happily and lead them into the parlor , Annaliel stood at the top of the stairs . She waited one more moment before walking down as slowly as she could . Her blond curly locks had been pulled back neatly and had a flower pin placed in it , her dress long white and flowing as it was decorated in beautiful lace . Her freckled cheeks colored red from her nervousness as she approched the door . She certainly looked nothing like she did in the picture in the parlor , sitting over the fireplace . It was a famil photo from the time when she was much younger and plumper while her elder sisters had been skinny and lovely . With a slow intake of air she knocked on the door lightly and waited . . . hoping that maybe they would send her away . Boring ! Boring ! Boring ! If Constantine , could say it aloud , he would , but his parents would kill him if he did . Every now and then , they 'd look quietly over at their son to make sure he wasn 't being rude , and Constantine had to sit up straight and pretend like he actually thought the conversation was interesting . This girl 's parents droned on and on about everything , from the wedding , to the weather , and where his mother had gotten her beautiful necklace . He hadn 't paid attention at all to the girl 's name . Ann - something ? If this little " meeting " didn 't end in a few minutes , the young man would 've definitely started letting some of his sarcasm show ! Thankfully , a light knock was heard from the parlor door . And Constantine felt his stomach drop . Oh no . . . . It 's her ! . . . I bet she 's uglier than a wart on a foot ! The parlor doors were opened slowly , and he finally got to see the " pretty young lady " . . . . . . . . . . . I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Annaliel stepped into the parlor quietly and looked at her parents , her cheeks a little red with shyness . She walked over to her mother and father slowly . She stood next to them closely as her mother introduced them . Well she certainly didn 't expect her suitor to look like this . She could feel her face get hotter as she . Looked down shyly , this situation was not turning out well . If he was this handsome then he must have been a flirt . Even then the rumors she had heard about their eldest son were not all that great either . She could feel her heart sink into her stomach but she remained calm , it would not be a good idea to make herself pass out in front of guest , even if she really wanted to . Well ! She wasn 't all that bad - looking after all ! She was even kind of . . . . cute ! Constantine shook this thought from his head . No way was he going to fall for anybody ! Colette Machird was even more beautiful than her , and yet he hadn 't fallen for her ! And , apparently , this girl was kind of shy , looking down not even giving him a second glance ! Constantine couldn 't remember the last time a girl had ever not wanted to look at him ! Childhood , maybe ? But , then , he saw this as a good thing . Obviously , if she didn 't want to look at him , then she was probably not too interested in marrying him , either ! Yes ! At least she 's not swooning over me ! Getting out of this will be a whole lot easier than I thought ! All of a sudden , he could feel his mother 's icy glare that said , " GO OVER AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF ! " His parents had been making him rehearse the words for a week now , and it was all pretty much stuck in his head . Getting up slowly , he walked over to her . Sighing softly to himself , he managed to force a smile , and say , " Hello , my name is Constantine Evingsdale . I 'm 28 years old and the eldest son of Duke Arelson Evinsdale . I hope I am the suitor of which you dream . Here is a token of my love and appreciation , in hopes that you will find our engagement to your liking . " He then held out the bouquet of roses for her take or not . He really hoped she wouldn 't take them . Then , maybe , he wouldn 't have to marry her ! I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Annaliel 's cheeks deepened in color as he held out the roses to her , making look up at him once again . She could feel that stare of her mother burning into her back , as well as her father 's . She shyly reached up and took the roses slowly from his grip , knowing that rejecting them would come off as extremely rude . She admired the flowers quietly for a moment she for she spoke softly again . " Thank you . . . I also hope that I am to your liking . . . and that this arrangement will turn out well . " She said as she looked back down again . It was hard trying to find something else to say , especially since it was their first meeting . Luckily , her mother spoke quickly to fill the growing silence between them . " Well , now that we are all introduce , why don 't we sit down and have a cup of tea while we talk about the arrangements . This is a big step for everyone here so I would be best we get organized . " She said as she smiled over at Constantine 's parents . Constantine 's parents laughed in agreement leaving him with an unsettling feeling in his stomach as he sat back down . Now what ? His parents would laugh with her parents while they forcefully made wedding plans . Every now and then his mother and father would look over at him and ask him a question about the wedding , looking for his opinion , that he would give out even though he really didn 't want to . He had never really thought about marriage , but even if he did want to , he had never imagined it would be like this ! With the Duke and Coriella pulling him on a leash like a dog ! He was 28 years old for goodness sake ! Not a toddler ! This only made his doubts about the wedding go down even further . Every hour that passed by felt like days to Constantine , and he was looking for anything , anything just to get out of the parlor . Thinking quickly , he sat up and asked the girl 's mother politely , " Excuse me , but could I use your restroom ? " # 8 I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Annaliel sat down as well , still holding onto the roses . As the parents chattered about the wedding she could feel her stomach flipping with worry . Getting married was a big step , as her mother has said , and to do it so suddenly with a man she barely knew seemed crazy . But she couldn 't say no to her parents , the looks on their faces as they talked about where to hold the ceremony , the joy in their eyes as they talked about the reception , how could she deprive them of that after so many years of being difficult ? Did she even have the right ? It didn 't matter either way , for it seemed like there was no turning back now . Annaliel spoke very little , her parents only addressing her on her opinion on a certain matter , she had nothing else to say in this situation . Right now , all that matter was figuring a way out . When Constantine asked to use the restroom Annaliel took this as her change . " Oh Yes , just walk do the hall past the stairs and it will be the first door out your left dear ! " Milicent said as she smiled at him politely . Yes ! Constantine got up politely , after a swift " YOU BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING , STUPID ! " look from his mother . He walked out of the parlor and as soon as he was out of earshot , he let out a heavy sigh . " Uggggh ! What the hell am I going to do ? ! There has to be a way out of this ! ! ! " he whispered to himself . Noticing a glass bottle of wiskey nearby , he poured himself a glass and then sat down on the stairs quietly thinking to himself . He let the alcohol coat his throat all the way down not really watching how much he drank . If there was any way of him surviving the rest of this stupid meeting , he was going to have to do it drunk . Constantine looked up the stairs . He really didn 't really have to use the restroom , although he was pretty curious as to what was upstairs . Slowly rising to his feet , the glass of whiskey still in his hands , he walked upstairs . It was really nice and though most of the room doors was shut . Heh ! I feel like playing " Guest Gets ' Lost ' And ' Accidentally ' Stumbles Upon Someone 's Bedroom " ! Walking around and studying each door carefully , he gently opened a random room door and , of course , it was someone 's bedroom . A young girl 's bedroom , at that . Maybe it 's that Ann - whatever 's room . Constantine decided to snoop around a bit . After all , what else was a young man supposed to do in this boring house ? # 10 I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! As soon as Constantine was gone Annaliel tried to think of a way to get out of this meeting . She 'd have to be quick as well or she would have run into him in the hall . She let her parents talk as she tried to come up with a plan , noticing that the roses were going to start wilting soon . . . and there was her plan . While no one was looking , she plucked a few petals from a rose and let them fall to the ground slowly before letting out a smalll faked gasp of surprise . When her mother looked to her she put of a sweet smile and said the flowers were wilting . She quietly excused herself to go deal with the flowers and quickly left the room . Hopefully this made it look like she was somewhat interested in their son and not trying to escape . She headed off toward the kitchen to find a vase and put the flowers away , glad that she didn 't bump into Constantine . Elsewhere , where the older gentleman happened to be , was in her room . Now it was obvious that this was a young girls room . The bed was covered in soft flora blankets and silky sheets , a vanity in a corner held many jars and bottles of lotions and perfumes , a wardrobe filled with lacy colorful dress , some for balls and some for everyday . However , there was one big difference . The room was filled with books ! The walls were covered in shelves where ever there wasn 't a piece of furniture or a window . Some books sat on her bed while others were resting on chairs or her desk . Some were old , others knew , and some where just blank journals . Most of the books were educational , involving math or english or science , though there was also a good amount of regular novels sitting out . On her desk , a book sat open with writing in it , it seemed to be a lesson plan of some sort , something that a teacher would have . Another book laid next to it , but this one was a journal , filled with her personal feelings and written in her true personality , loud , pushy and lively , something very different from the girl he met . Constantine walked around the book clad room mesmerized . There 's so many books . . . . Almost every book in the room he saw , he had already read , and knew a lot about them . He had always had a secret knack for knowledge , but of course , he would never say it aloud . If there was one thing he didn 't want to be labeled as , it was " bookworm " and apparently , this girl was very knowledgeable . Constantine scoffed , " Typical of a quiet girl to be so holed up in books ! " He walked over to the desk and picked up the journal . Heh ! Found her diary ! He wondered whether or not he should open it . He was a nosy asshole , not a pervert . Still he was quite curious and decided to open it up and take a quick peek . Of course , he wasn 't worried about anyone walking in and catching him snooping around . I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Annaliel finished getting the flowers put into a lovely crystal vase and smiled a bit , having relaxed since she left the pressured feeling of trying to impress a duke 's son . She couldn 't help but find them very pretty , which was to be expected from someone of his class . Originally she was going to leave them on a table in the hall , but they had been given to her , so it would seem only right to put them in her room . . . that , and doing so would keep her out of the parlor for a little while longer . She grabbed the vase and headed up the stairs slowly , humming a bit as she went on her way . In her journal , there was and entry from the night before . It seems that tomorrow we will not be having the usual tea with Emmilia , Rebecca and Sophia , along with their husbands . I was hoping to catch up with them since I was unable to meet with them until late last time . I was also hoping to see John and Samuel , they are both so cute ! I will never be able to choose which one I love more ! Mother said it was because we were doing something else , but she refused to tell me , saying she 'd explain at breakfast tomorrow . I 'm not all that sure why , but I don 't have a good feeling about what mother will have to say . I 'm sure it 's not all that bad , but then again , she has surprised we with a lot of things as of late . My only hope is that it won 't take to long , I plan on seeing my sisters no matter what tomorrow , even if I must ride a horse to do so ! Annaliel arrived at her room , not noticing that the door had been opened and quietly stepped inside , only to be greeted with Constantine standing there . She let out a surprised squeak of sorts and let go of the vase suddenly , not having expected him at all ! When she realized what she had done she quicklyy moved to catch it before it broke , she could only imagine the horror that would happen if the parents stumbled upon them alone in her room ! It seems that tomorrow we will not be having the usual tea with Emmilia , Rebecca and Sophia , along with their husbands . I was hoping to catch up with them since I was unable to meet with them until late last time . I was also hoping to see John and Samuel , they are both so cute ! I will never be able to choose which one I love more ! Mother said it was because we were doing something else , but she refused to tell me , saying she 'd explain at breakfast tomorrow . I 'm not all that sure why , but I don 't have a good feeling about what mother will have to say . I 'm sure it 's not all that bad , but then again , she has surprised we with a lot of things as of late . My only hope is that it won 't take to long , I plan on seeing my sisters no matter what tomorrow , even if I must ride a horse to do so ! Constantine couldn 't help but chuckle at this entry . He had to admit , he was pretty worried when his own parents had summoned him into his father 's office all of a sudden . Of course , they weren 't as indirect as her parents seemed to have been . In fact , as soon as he walked into the room , his mother practically spilled it out : " We 've arranged you a marriage . " Constantine shook his head at the thoughts of what had happened only weeks earlier . Being so deep within thought , you 'd think he would have been startled when someone had entered the bedroom . He turned around calmly as Annaliel came in , practically squeaked , and nearly dropped the vase filled with his roses . He laughed a bit at her startledness then said unashamingly , " You 've got a way with words , I see ! " He waved the journal around at her so she would be embarrased . Ha ! This is going to be fun ! I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Her cheeks were just as red as the roses when he waved around her journal , completely embarrassed that he had seen it . She quickly set down the vase on her vanity and snatched the journal out of his hand quickly , a look and upsetness on her face . She held the book to her chest and glared at him for a second before quickly looking away , her shy nature being dominate even when she was angry . " I would think that a man of your status would know not to snoop around a host 's house . If you got lost I will understand but certainly you should know better than to read one 's private writings . Now if you would be as so kind as to step out of my room , we can return to the parlor and finish tea . . . " She said quickly and softly , trying to get him out of there as fast as possible without getting anyones attention . If she could , and if she had the confidence to do so , she would have screamed at him and shoved him right out the front door ! How dare he read her private writings without even thinking about her feelings ! So much more him being a gentleman . She should have known better than to think that this man had been serious about using the restroom , he had seemed just about as eager to be in this situation as she was . That didn 't matter though , the two of them were stuck with each other whether they liked it or not , it would be best to lay teh ground rules down now . She continued to look down and wait for him to leave , having nothing else to say to him , since everything else she wanted to say would certainly insult him and start up some trouble . Constantine pretty much tuned her out while inspecting his nails . He walked around the room more before responding , laughing all the more , " I like your collection of books you have here . . . . . you must be very smart . . . . . . although , you should of thought the very opposite of people of my . . . caliber . . . or so to speak . Since we 're so rich we have nothing else better to do , but invade other people 's private lives . . . . " He smiled at her with the charming gaze he gave all girls whenever he flirted . " But . . . we are going to be married soon . . . . and I like to know everything about a girl before I . . . . court her . . . , " he whispered in her ears seductvely . Laughing loudly , he walked outside of the bedroom , and his mother had just walked upstairs herself . Coriella eyed him up and down suspiciously , " What 's going on here ? - - - - - Never mind ! No matter ! No matter ! Constantine , it 's only just now that your father and I have just looked at the clock - - - We really must be going , now since your father has important people to meet with the King and I have to go and visit with your grandmother before dusk . And I also am going on a walk with that Machird girl 's mother early in the morning tommorow . Come along , then ! " Constantine drank the rest of the whiskey , and then looked back at Annaliel once more , with a small smile , " Well met , beautiful . Hehheh ! See you tommorow , fiancee . " He walked downstairs and got into the carriage , once again . He knew a way to get out of this , and he 'd start tommorow . Leaving the Ackworths ' home was relieving to him as he slumped down even further in his seat . He didn 't even care to look back at the house while the carriage pulled out and away . The quicker he was washed away of that girl , the better . I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Annaliel looked up at him and watched him look around her room quietly , it seemed that his true nature was coming out now . She felt herself step back when he came closer and shivered as he shivered , his breath tickling her ear . He was far to close for comfort . Luckily , he quickly stepped back and left her room . When his mother took him away she felt relief fill her . . . and her legs give out . He really had been to close for comfort . She could feel her face turning completely as she sat on the floor of her room . Was this her future ? Was she doomed to spend the rest of her life at the side of that rude and obnoxious man ? She could feel anger bubbling in her chest as she stared at her open door . Oh if she could only speak her mind , she would show him . That . . . that . . . that . . " Bastard ! I can 't believe he would stoop so low ! Certainly you told mother and father about this ! They would never stand for and marriage if he was going to act this way ! " Her sister , Emmilia said as she held onto a curious baby boy in her arms , looking around and trying to escape his mother 's grasp . It had been a week since Constantine and his parents had visited , luckily there wasn 't another meeting planned for awhile since the Duke and his wife would be very busy . The only thing she would have to worry about is him coming over on his own , though she doubted that would happen . Annaliel looked down at the baby in her own arms , also trying to escape and crawl about the garden they were all sitting in . Emmilia , Rebecca and Sophia all came for tea , though their husbands were absent for work . Annaliel quickly confined in them her problems and they all seemed to take her side . She gave a small sigh and looked up at her eldest sister , the expression on her face showing upsetness . " How could I ? When I came back down both of they were as happy as ever ! The idea of me getting married as made their lives complete . I can 't bring myself to take that away from them . . . " She said softly as she pat the babies head gently , the motion grabbing his attention and making him grab onto her fingers and naw on them with his gums . Sophia , a pretty blond like Annaliel , snorted in dislike and took a sip of tea , her rounded belly plump with her marriage 's first born . " I don 't care if mother an father threaten to kill themselves if you say you don 't like him ! his habits are absolutely gross and his has the worst character possible . I 'd rather have a donkey for a brother - in - law than him ! " " I couldn 't agree more ! " Rebecca said , a tall and elegant woman with black hair like her father , her belly also round with a child . Annaliel sighed and hung her head a bit , this situation was just getting worse and worse . A maid came over a moment later , bowing a bit as she spoke . " Miss Annaliel , you have a guest waiting for you , it is Mister Constantine . " Annaliel could feel her face pale as her sisters growled protectively . She would couldn 't turn him away , that would be rude , but she really didn 't want to invite him in , her parents weren 't home and her sisters were like wolves ready to pounce on their prey . She told the maid to let him in and gave her sister a weak look , asking them to stay under control , at least it would be easier to get through this with them at her side . As soon as he had gotten home that night after the meeting , he secretly met with a man in the fields . He had been plotting with him for the past week or so since he had found out about the arranged marriage , and everything was seeming to go as planned . Walking towards him and looking around him making sure no one had followed , Constantine addressed straightforward , " I 'm going to be quick with this ! Do you have the money ? ! " The man looked at him in sudden despair , having failed miserably , but feared to tell the Duke 's son at all . " U - um . I 'm very sorry , Constantine ! It seems as if your father has wiped out all of his secret accounts - - - - Apparently , he knew what you would try to do ahead of time ! " The young man cursed and smashed the flower pot nearby in fury , " DAMN IT ! Why was I so naive to think he was that clueless ? ! ? ! " He walked back home and laid in his bed tired and feeling very stressed . He was going to steal some money from his father and take a ship to America in less than three days , but , unfortunately , the Duke ruined that plan head on ! What was he going to do ? He absolutely did NOT want to marry that girl ! Sighing , the young man drank from the cup of tea in his hands , as he talked to the very beautiful blonde in front of him . It has been nearly a week now since the meeting , and his equally rich childhood friend was effortlessly trying to cheer him up about Annaliel . " No one says you have to marry that whore ! " Colette Machird exclaimed , as she whimisically pushed back her beautiful golden locks . She was the eldest daughter of the Duke of Walsberg , as stuck - up , extremely beautiful , and rich as they come , and absolutely bent on marrying Constantine herself ! She sipped her own tea as she continued , " I 've dealt with a lot of annoying bookworm girls in the past , and every time I came out on top ! . . . . . . . I could help you , maybe . You know . . . . help get rid of her . I 've never really liked those Ackworth girls anyway ! " Colette responded with a seductive grin , " Well . . . . they couldn 't disown me , that 's for sure ! I 'm telling you Constantine , I would be more than happy if you could take me to see these little . . . . wenches . Then , I could scope out the competition and pick them off one by one ! Come on ! What do you say ? You did promise to take me out sightseeing , after all ! " Of course , he had to oblige . What harm would Colette do , anyway ? He had always found her to be pretty helpful in certain situations like these , and while she was a pretty nice friend , he had always felt a bit . . . . . . more for her . Sighing , Constantine stood up , " Alright , Colette ! I 'll take you there ! I think overheard from a few people that she 's with her sisters right about now . . . . . . But only if you behave ! I don 't want to look like a complete jerk in front of them ! " Colette squealed and hugged him excitedly . " Yay ! Thank you , Constantine ! You won 't be sorry ! I 'll just bring up that ball that I spoke to one of this Annaliel 's sisters at ! And we 'll be gone in no time ! " She then smiled deviously as Constantine led her into the carriage and to the house . Constantine . . . you will be mine and mine alone ! Strolling through the garden towards the women , two seeming to be pregnant , the Duke 's son smiled as he approached Annaliel with shockingly , Colette clinging to his arm close . " Hello , Annaliel ! I wanted to say I am awfully sorry if I upset you in anyway the other day ! I was in a bad mood , you see , and I tend to take it out on other people . Please forgive me , if you will , " he said all of this , and this time , he actually meant it ! He handed Annaliel a case with a small smile . " I hope you will accept this . I picked it out just for you ! " he said . Inside , was a small diamond necklace in the shape of a heart with a charm shaped like a book on the side . He then looked towards Colette and introduced her , " Oh ! I forgot ! This is Colette Machird , Annaliel . She 's a good friend of mine , is all . And this is Annaliel and her sisters , Colette . " Of course , the whole time , Colette had been eyeing each girl carefully making mental notes in the back of her mind about each one . She then began her charade , remembering Emmilia from a certain ball . " Oh my ! Why if it isn 't Emmilia ! You remember me from Lord Tricel 's ball , don 't you ? Big poofy , pink dress ? The one that talked with you about those awfully stuck - up girls ? Oh I do hope you remember ! I was just dying to run into you again ! " she said to her with a smile . # 18 I like doing both equally . Sometimes I will direct a scene and other times I will have my partner direct the scenes . If things are talked out ahead of time then I 'm more like to help the scene along than if I have no idea what the plan is . I enjoy Fantasy , Scifi , Romance , Magical , Modern and much more . I probably can 't list them all ! If there is something you want to try and it isn 't listed here , just ask . I rarely say no ! Annaliel could feel her shyness kicking in as he approched , though she was a little more curious as to who the girl on his arm was . Her Emmilia seemed to give a small groan as she say the girl but kept it quiet so they couldn 't hear it . Annaliel knew what the sound meant , it meant that the girl was someone she did not like and she never , never , disliked someone without a good reason . When he apologized she felt like he was being meaningful about it , though her sisters would still probably hold a grudge against him for the rest of his life . She accepted the box quietly and looked over the necklace , keeping it a safe distance away from the baby 's reach . " Thank you and It is alright , everyone has their bad days . . . " She said softly as she closed the box and set it to the side . When Colette was introduced Annaliel could feel her shyness take complete control . She was very pretty and seemed to be of similar status as Constantine , meaning that she probably had the same attitude as him . When she approched Emmilia , Annaliel was a bit surprised . Emmilia had become less of a ball person after her twin sons were born , so the idea of her being away from her children shocked her a bit . Emmilia smiled politely as she nodded her head and adjusted the baby in her arms , the young son having tuckered himself out when trying to escape his mother 's hold . " Yes , It is hard to forget such a lovely girl . " She replied politely . Annaliel knew that Emmilia was holding her tongue back out of politeness , it wouldn 't be right to be rude to someone , especially since she was also of high status . Sophia stepped him and motion with her hand quickly . " Please , do sit down and join us for tea . The afternoon is lovely and we certainly shouldn 't hog it all for ourselves . " She said as she summoned a maid to bring two more chairs . Annaliel kept quiet as her sister politely examined Constantine , their pretty faces hiding their dislike for him . She listed in and added here and there but mostly kept out of the discussion , keeping herself busy with the other son who seemed to have dozed off against her . Constantine was glad that Annaliel had accepted his apology . Truth be told , he had only meant to tease her a little , not to come off as a jerk , even though that was his specialty . He was actually quite confused and worried at this point , and slumped down in the chair a little ways next to Annaliel . He felt so helpless and didn 't really know what to do . You could just see the stress written all over his face . He had no idea of Colette 's real intentions . He was so deep in thought , he could barely even focus on the conversation . Colette noticed this , and took advavntage of it immediately . " Oh goody ! I am so glad you remember me ! It 's quite wonderful seeing you again ! We highly esteemed rich women find it very hard to befriend trustable people ! Why , just yesterday , I caught a dear friend of mine practically oggling my sister 's husband ! The tramp ! " she exclaimed . Sighing she looked over at Annaliel with the nicest smile she could manage , " But , you Annaliel , dear , are so fortunate to have a fiancee as great as Constantine ! He 's such a sweet man , really . Just has a hard time expressing his feelings ! " Constantine eyed Colette trying to figure out what she was getting at , but to no avail . He hoped that she wouldn 't do or say anything terrible . He had always known her to be loose - lipped towards pretty much everyone ! Sitting up in his chair as best he could , he looked over at Annaliel and said softly , " So . . . . how are you this morning ? " Of course , by this time he had a burgeoning headache and wanted to speak quickly so he could leave as soon as possible and escort Colette back home . Trying not to display his eagerness he said to Colette , " Don 't be so straight - forward ! People of our caliber should very much act more the part , as a young lady once told me in her bedroom . . . . " He then exchanged a quick smile towards Annaliel . Colette giggled . " Only a fool would believe that people like us act so posh all the time ! We 've all definitely had our sloppy moments whether we admit or not ! I must admit , I 've been a bit sluggish myself before . But that 's just how we are ! We do what we can to make our lives easier beacause being of high status sure has its downsides ! I 've heard the King picked his ear in front of the King of Scotland ! " Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
Okay , so I have been fed up with Blogger for awhile now . If you are a complete computer and internet novice looking to start a blog , then it might be right up your alley . But , if you 're looking to do a little something more with your blog and have any interest in tweaking it to make it uniquely your own , you would be much better off going somewhere else . So , I am finally jumping ship and moving to Wordpress . Eventually , I will also be upgrading the blog to be more of a website , since I want it to eventually be my writing website - - a place to display some of my work and where I hope I will continue to grow as a writer . Right now , it is a work in progress . I am just getting everything moved at this point , and then I will start fine - tuning There 's something about watching a well - orchestrated offensive play unfold - - the crack and thud of helmets and pads colliding on the field . There 's something about seeing a member of your team running toward the end zone so fast you 'd swear he was flying . There 's just something about football . When I first decided to take my photography and go into business , I wasn 't sure that I ever wanted to shoot weddings . It just seemed like such an enormous job , and an enormous amount of pressure . Plus , I wasn 't sure that I would feel comfortable taking on a wedding when I had absolutely no prior experience shooting one . But , when I asked to shoot Andy and Henny 's small backyard wedding , I jumped at the chance . Not only are they good family friends , but I also knew that it would be a small , laidback affair . It was the perfect opportunity for me to get some practice and to see if I might want to add weddings to my professional portfolio . Besides being able to see my father steadily improving and celebrating Steven 's second Father 's Day watching a few episodes of The Sopranos , the highlight of my weekend was definitely being hired to photograph the backyard wedding of some of our best family friends . I haven 't even had time to go through and upload all of the photos yet , but I had to pull these two for tonight 's blog post . All I 'm going to say about the wedding right now is that when you show up and see the family dogs dressed like this , you are pretty much guaranteed a good time . When we arrived at his room , we were surprised to find it empty . The TV was on , but there was no sign of my father . The nurse said that he was in the bathroom , and that we could have a seat and wait if we liked . And in the meantime , she filled us in on his progress . He did end up getting the epidural the night before , and it seemed to be helping immensely . His oxygen levels were way up , and staying up , in spite of the fact that he did end up developing a bit of pneumonia . Because he was so much more comfortable with the epidural , he has been able to cough up the phlegm from his lungs and clear them out well , which is a good sign . They started him on antibiotics for the pneumonia , and he seems to be responding very well . He managed to eat breakfast , and even a bit of his lunch before calling the nurse to help him into the bathroom . Finally , the triple doses of laxatives worked their magic . Victory ! When Duane emerged from his trip to the bathroom , I was surprised at how well he was moving . The nurse helped him manage all of the cords and tubes , but otherwise , he was walking and easing himself down into his recliner on his own . His color looked better , and he was only wearing the oxygen tubes in his nose , instead of the full face mask . And when he finally began to speak , his voice was much stronger . We visited for a bit , before I finally had to excuse myself to head to the Samuelson 's in Loomis to photograph my first wedding . While I was gone , Mom and Steven kept Duane company , and by the time they left him for the night , they were both marveling at his progress . His oxygen levels are continuing to hold strong and he seems to be managing the pain well and gaining his strength back . A couple of the nurses even remarked that he just might be starting to get ornery enough to be ready to move out of the ICU . Let 's keep our fingers crossed ! Lindy and I and Cadence left Lincoln this morning to head out to Kearney to visit Duane . I don 't even know how much sleep I actually managed to get last night . By the time I finally went to bed , I was fighting and pretty mean migraine and I just couldn 't stop wondering what kind of shape Dad would be in when we finally arrived at the hospital . I hate to admit it , but I was preparing myself for the worst . When we went in to Dad 's room for our visit , he was sitting up in a chair and was wearing a regular oxygen mask instead of the C - pap machine . The doctors had been alternating between the two throughout the day , and it seems to be working to keep his oxygen levels up where they need to be . It 's obvious that he is still in a lot of pain , but there was some color in his cheeks and he was actually joking around with us about the fact that he has neither eaten , nor taken a crap in four days . Duane rolled his eyes and smirked . " No . No prune juice , " Duane said . " They 've been giving me laxatives , and it ain 't going to be pretty when they finally start workin ' . Damn horse really knocked the shit out of me ! " The doctors are planning to continue alternating between the regular oxygen and the C - pap and will be monitoring him closely . Mom said they talked about doing another scan as well . When Lindy and I talked to Dad , he said he thought the nurses might be getting him up to walk around this evening , but then when Mom went back in to visit , they were talking about giving him an epidural . He has been on morphine to manage the pain , but the doctors now think that giving him an epidural will give him some longer lasting pain relief and allow him to take deeper breaths . We 'll find out tomorrow what they decided , and I will post another update to let everyone know about the progress . Walking out of Dad 's room after our visit , I was finally able to breathe the first real sigh of relief since Mom called to tell me about the accident on Monday . Dad still has a long way to go , but it finally looks like he just might be starting to move in the right direction and beginning to heal . Everyone who saw him earlier in the week ( especially Wednesday and Thursday ) is saying that he looks and acts so much better . Even Dad admitted tonight that there was a point yesterday when he wasn 't even sure he was going to make it . We can only pray that tomorrow will dawn even brighter and that Duane will continue on the road to recovery . Tonight 's 365 Project is dedicated to Cowboy Roy and to a speedy recovery . Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers ! We really appreciate all the love and support ! On Sunday , one of my uncle 's horses got out and my Dad went to help him round it up . When they got the horse cornered , Dad thought he would just hop on and ride it back , even though the horse was only wearing a halter . Long story short , the horse threw him . At first , in typical Duane fashion , he refused to let my Mom take him to the hospital . Monday morning he woke up in so much pain that he told Mom they better go . He was admitted and x - rays showed three fractured ribs . They doctors gave him morphine for the pain , and luckily all of the other scans of his back and neck were fine . Mom thought if he was feeling better , he would be released Wednesday , but when she called last night , she said they were keeping him because his oxygen levels were low . Last night , they decided to do another scan to make sure he hadn 't punctured a lung and that there were no blood clots . Luckily , the tests came back okay . Unfortunately , they still couldn 't keep his oxygen levels where they were supposed to be . Mom called today that he was being flown to another hospital because they still weren 't able to get his oxygen levels up . She said Dad did really well on the flight over and that for now , he seems to be resting comfortably in the ICU . He is hooked up to a C - pap machine , and that seems to be helping his oxygen levels . They are not back to normal yet , but they are much closer . Tonight 's 365 Project is dedicated to my Dad , Duane . I pulled a few of my favorite photos of him for tonight 's blog post . Here 's hoping he starts feeling better very soon ! But even with all the hidden remote hilarity going on , the highlight of the evening was definitely Cadence 's attempted jailbreak . She has been tall enough to reach the screen door handle for several weeks now , so we 've been keeping the deadbolt locked whenever we have the door open . After she saw her Daddy head outside to grill the chicken , she saw her chance and opened the door to follow . Steven hollered at her to get back inside and close the door , and she hollered back , " Nada ! Nada ! " before stepping back inside and letting the door slam . She apparently thought Steven 's reaction was so deliciously funny that she had to do it again and again and again until the chicken was finally done and Steven chased her back inside and closed the door . I 've got to say it - - I think we share our home with the coolest dog in the world . She 's sweet , mellow , patient , playful , loyal , and best of all , she 's great with Cadence . She even tolerates us putting hats and sunglasses on her , as long as she 's allowed to sit in someone 's lap and snuggle . Watching this video , it 's almost hard to believe she killed the other rabbit by chasing it and giving it a heart attack . But maybe this is just proof that she 's learned her lesson and knows that the rabbits can 't handle playing rough . Just more proof that our dog has a big ol ' heart in that big ol ' chest of hers . It always cracks me up when my Mom tells me how she never used to let me or my sister Lindy get messy when we ate . She says she was always wiping our faces and our hands clean during meals and snacks . I 'm pretty sure I did the same thing last year when Cadence was younger and first starting to eat solid foods . I think I felt bad letting her get too messy , considering I was the one who was feeding her . So , if she had pureed sweet potatoes smeared all over her face , I was absolutely the one to blame . These days , however , it is a much different story . Cadence has been feeding herself for quite awhile now - - first mastering the art of picking up chunks of steamed fruits and veggies and cheese , and now graduating to using her very own bowls and utensils . I learned very early that mealtime was going to be a very messy process . And since Cadence went through a long period where she absolutely refused to wear a bib , I decided the only way to keep her from ruining absolutely every piece of clothing that she owned was simply to strip her down to her diaper , throw a couple of towels down on the carpet beneath her high chair , and let her go whole hog and not worry about the mess . All in all , Cadence is a pretty neat eater . She has moments where she 'll fling a handful of string beans in excitement or frustration , and there have been several incidences where we have caught her trying to hide cheese and blueberries under her thighs as though she is trying to save them for later . Other than that though , she is really quite fastidious when she eats . The one exception , though , is always pasta . It doesn 't matter if I give her only the slightest bit of sauce , she somehow manages to coat every inch of her skin with a thin layer of red tomato sauce before the meal is over . It 's in her hair , her ears , under her arms , between her toes . By the time she 's finished , she looks like she 's in the middle of some sort of full - body marinara exfoliating spa treatment . I can 't really complain though , because she somehow manages to keep the mess contained to only her body , and she 'll eat every last bite of pasta and veggies that I put in front of her . So , on nights like tonight , there is only one solution to the marinara mayhem , and that is a nice , warm , after dinner bath . When Steven and I first changed Cadence 's bed time routine , neither one of us knew if it was really going to work . Less than a week later , she was going to down to sleep without a fuss and sleeping completely through the night . Hallelujah ! This is Cadence 's mantra these days . All she wants to do is draw , draw , draw . Heck , she sat in her high chair drawing for almost 2 1 / 2 hours yesterday . I practically had to pry the crayons out of her hands so she would eat her dinner . She has a little notebook ( one of my old ones that I used to use for shopping lists ) . She likes to carry it around with her and pretend to write and take notes as she scribbles . Sometimes her little tongue creeps out the corner of her mouth as she focuses intently on her " work " . I can only pray that she remains as focused and studious when she is old enough to go to school . Okay , so this is a lame post tonight , but it 's for a good cause . I 'm launching a new food blog inspired by the food / restaurant writing and photography I have been doing for West Valley Health & Living Magazine . I hope you 'll check it out and follow me on this latest adventure . The site is still a work in progress , but please stop by and let me know what you think ! So after posting about our recent ant issues on Facebook , I had several friends and family members giving me advice on how to get rid of them . When my good friend Tamatha recommended Terro Liquid Ant Baits , I figured we would give them a go . She warned me that the ants would swarm " like cows to a feeding trough " but to let them do their thing and they would carry the poisoned liquid back to their nest and it would kill the entire colony . A few hours after setting the baits on the counter last night , we watched the ants swarming , diving into the liquid like drunken college students diving into a swimming pool full of Jell - O shots . Despite the fact that the ants had only been confined to the small portion of the counter immediately surrounding our kitchen sink , for the rest of the night , I swore I could feel them crawling on me . It was enough to keep me awake and paranoid well past 3 : 00 a . m . What Tamatha failed to mention was that the colony 's queen was not likely to take the assassination attempt lightly , so I was completely unprepared when I saw her on the floor when I got Cadence out of her crib and carried her into the living room . But there she was , the fat , black Carpenter Ant queen , scurrying across the floor near the kitchen . Barefoot and still holding my child , my options were few , so I grabbed Cadence 's horsey bike and ran over Her Majesty before she could escape and find a new spot to rebuild her dying kingdom . Today 's 365 Project entry is dedicated to the poor ants who decided to invade and met their demise . Let 's just hope this is the last post for a very long time devoted to any sort of annoying creepy , crawly creatures . I don 't know about you , but I have had my fill . I wrote yesterday about the certain level of respect I have for most bugs and insects , yet I failed to mention spiders . It was an appropriate omission , for my relationship with spiders is certainly deserving of it 's own blog post . In short , I hate them . Indoors , outdoors , anywhere I encounter them , I HATE them and will kill them without hesitation or remorse . In fact , I killed one just today in Cadence 's sandbox . There is no live and let live when it comes to spiders . And don 't try to tell me how good it is to have them around so they can kill other insects . If I want those other insects dead , I can very well do it myself . I wasn 't always this way . In fact , as a child , I never really minded spiders , as long as they didn 't try to crawl on me or bite me . I was content to just look the other way and let them do their own thing . My family was still living in Bird City , Kansas at the time . It was a Friday night , and my sister Lindy and I had both invited friends over to spend the night . Mom agreed to drive us to the Video Kingdom in St . Francis to rent a couple movies , and since Arachnophobia had just come out on video , we decided to pick it up . We weren 't scared by the movie . Oh no , not at all . In fact , it was pretty cheesy , and the four of us ended up laughing through most of it . It 's what happened afterward that scarred me for life . ( Just a little side note here - - a few weeks before , we 'd noticed some small spiders in our basement . Since both Lindy and I had our bedrooms down there , Mom called an exterminator to get rid of them . He came in and sprayed , and all was right with the world again . ) When we opened Lindy 's door , we were surprised to see Jill climbing up on a chair and Lindy jumping up and down on the bed screaming , " Delbert missed one ! Delbert missed one ! DELBERT MISSED ONE ! " over and over while pointing to her dresser that stood on the other side of the room . I looked over to the dresser where Lindy was pointing . There , on top of her dresser , sat the biggest , hairiest , ugliest brown spider I had ever seen . Sitting there with it 's legs outstretched , it was about as big around as a baseball . The four of us stuck to our story , and wouldn 't let Mom leave the room until we found it again . There was no way we were going to sleep until we knew the big hairy beast was dead . After a bit of looking and poking around the room , we managed to scare the spider out of it 's hiding place beneath Lindy 's dresser . Mom 's eyes widened in shock , and it was obvious that she thought we were exaggerating when we told her the thing was roughly the size of a newborn kitten . It took three good tries to kill the beast , and not because Mom was missing the mark . The first blow struck the spider squarely , but just seemed to irritate it as it continued to run across the floor toward the closet . The second blow actually seemed to take a little pep out of it 's step and hobble it enough for Mom to wind up and give it a solid third . On the third try , the spider rolled over and curled it 's legs into it 's body , spasming a few times before finally dying right there on the carpet . Mom called the exterminator to come back , just to be sure there were no more surprises . He returned on Monday while Lindy and I were in schoolm and did a much more thorough examination and spraying of the house . That afternoon , Lindy and I got off the school bus and walked the three blocks to the bank where Mom worked so we could get some money to buy a snack at the grocery store before heading home . Mom said she had something to show us . We followed her to the back room and watched in horrified fascination as she held up a plastic Ziploc baggie with half a dozen dead brown spiders inside . Then , she proceeded to tell us that the exterminator determined we had an infestation of Wolf Spiders in the house , and that the tiny little spiders we had been seeing for weeks were just the babies . Apparently he had disposed of several Ziploc baggies full of dead spiders after thoroughly spraying the house and killing those that remained , and had given one to Mom as a souvenir . So you see , my abhorrance for spiders is not at all unjustified . And I will continue to exact revenge on the arachnid population for invading my childhood home and trying to take over . They should have been more careful who they were messing with . Today 's 365 Project is dedicated to all the spiders I have killed . I just want you to know , I am not sorry . Here 's the one I slayed today in Cadence 's sandbox . . . wouldn 't you know , a Wolf Spider . Ugh ! I have never been a bug hater . In fact , I was one of those kids that actually kinda liked bugs . Well , maybe I didn 't like them , but I was fascinated by them , and I used to catch them and put them in the Bug House that someone bought me one Christmas . The Bug House was made of a few pieces of wood and mosquito netting , which allowed me to see what the little bugs were up to once I got them inside . I caught beetles , caterpillars , ladybugs , lightning bugs , and even the occasional cicada . I would never keep them more than a day or two though . It just never seemed right to hold them captive for longer , so I would release them back into the wild . Hell , my nickname growing up was even " Lori Bugs " , though I 'm not sure it really had anything to do with any of the creepy crawly little creatures . In spite of my longstanding fascination with the little guys , I draw the line at bugs in my house . There 's just something about seeing bugs indoors that suddenly transforms them from fascinating little creatures into despicable little invaders that need to be immediately eradicated . While I might go out of my way to be respectful of the the little critters when I am outdoors - - making sure I step over anthills or brushing a curious bug carefully aside instead of squashing it - - I take a bug 's uninvited intrusion into my home as an open declaration of war . In Arizona , we had issues with crickets that apparently decided to move into the house when the previous owners moved out , and they made themselves far too comfortable before we moved in . We first tried to take care of the problem ourselves with gallons of bug repellent bought at the local hardware store , but after months of spraying , we hadn 't even made a dent in the population . The incessant chirping kept us up all hours of the night and haunted our dreams , and we were constantly being startled by crickets jumping out at us from every nook and cranny in the house . At one point we thought we bested them , when we realized that they were coming in through a hollow space between the siding of the house and the back patio door . Shoving the nozzle of the sprayer into the hole , Steven unleashed a deluge of bug spray , then suddenly jumped up with a yell when hundreds of crickets came pouring out of the hole and hopping drunkenly through the yard . He chased after them , stomping on them and spraying them with the bug spray until they were all dead or dying beneath the Arizona sun . Even then , we 'd barely made a dent , so we called in the professionals and after a couple of monthly treatments , we were victorious and our house was quiet . So far , we haven 't seen much of anything out of the ordinary here in our rental house . Sure , we have had the occasional spider or housefly , both of which are greeted with a quick and painless death as soon as they are discovered . Our luck though , appears to have run out . This past week , we noticed a small army of tiny black ants that have decided to invade our kitchen . We 're not 100 % certain where they are coming from , but all signs point to the window above our kitchen sink , since the windowsill and counter is where we keep finding them . We bought a couple of ant traps , but so far , they don 't seem to be working all that great . So , if anyone out there has any good remedies to get rid of annoying little black ants , we are open for suggestions . These little guys are going down ! Sometimes you just need to take a step back to put it all into perspective . I have to give my husband credit for this shot . I 'm usually the one behind the camera , so it was a nice to get a chance to actually be in a picture with my daughter . I love this shot . Every time I look at it , I hear the Foo Fighters singing " Walking After You . " Be sure to head over to I Heart Faces to see more amazing entries in this week 's From a Distance photo challenge . For a child , pain is a fleeting emotion . Sadness comes and goes almost instantaneously , as long as there is a kiss , the promise of ice cream or , in my daughter 's case , a song . If only we adults could let go of despair and hurt feelings so easily . I hate clothes shopping . There , I said it , and I 'm not ashamed to admit it . I know , it completely defies the very nature of my gender , but I guess I am just missing the chromosome that makes girls giddy about spending time shopping for clothes and shoes . This is another one of those weird things about me that I 'm sure tops Steven 's " Reasons My Wife Is Awesome " list . In fact , the only shopping that I actually enjoy is when I head to the bookstore to buy a new book . I could spend days in a bookstore , browsing the titles , plucking interesting books from the shelves and skimming the first few pages to see if something catches my interest . Often , I get so caught up in my search for new things to read that I completely lose track of time . Like an alien abductee , I look at a clock and suddenly realize that several hours have passed without me even noticing . Take me along on an excursion to buy new clothes or shoes and I can actually feel my blood pressure begin to rise as I walk into the store . Perhaps it 's the fact that I 've always been pretty self - conscious , but I just never feel like anything looks good on me . I hate having to try things on because nothing ever fits right . I hate carrying an armful of clothes into a dressing room only to discover that I 've either chosen things too big or too small , and now I can 't even remember where I found them in the first place . Things are always either too tight , too baggy , too loose , too scratchy , too short , too long , or too small . When something fits perfectly through the shoulders , it is way too baggy in the waist or vice versa . There is never a happy medium . I used to drive my Mom crazy on shopping trips . She and Lindy loooooove to shop . Lindy could spend hours trying on clothes and shoes and looking for new outfits , while Mom shopped for clothing , shoes and purses . When I was very young and we lived in McCook , there was one department store we frequented that had a mechanical horse in the back near the dressing rooms for the kids to ride . You didn 't even need quarters . You could just flip the switch on the wall and ride forever . At least in that store , I had something to keep me occupied . In other stores , I had no other choice but to get creative and try to entertain myself so I wouldn 't drop dead of boredom . I would pretend that I was a secret agent on a covert mission , assigned to the clothing store to apprehend several known criminals . I would conceal myself in the middle of the clothing racks , eavesdropping on the conversations going on in the aisles around me and waiting for the right moment to jump out and catch the perps by surprise . Needless to say , Mom wasn 't every impressed with my antics on most of our shopping trips . As I got older , I left my childish games behind and instead became a very stubborn shopper . I refused to try things on , and instead bought everything by repetition ( buying new versions or a variety of colors of the things I already owned and actually liked ) or by simply eyeballing the size of a piece of clothing that struck my fancy . I am notorious for finding a pair or jeans or shirt that I like , and then buying five or six of them ( in different colors ) , wearing them until they completely wear out , and then going out and buying five or six more of the exact same thing . With shoes , I am even worse . I find a couple pairs I like and then I wear them until they are completely falling apart . I 've been wearing my flowered Doc Martens for well over 10 years now , and plan to keep wearing them until the soles are literally worn off , or until they officially disintegrate beyond repair . Now that I am a parent , I realize that I not only have to shop for myself , I am now responsible for shopping for my child . Just when I thought it couldn 't get any worse ! I have to say , I do have a bit more tolerance when I am picking things out for Cadence . After all , there are just some really cute kids clothes , and it 's a nice change of pace being able to pick things off the racks that she will look adorable in . I do think she has a bit of my impatience for clothes shopping though , because she tends to get a little stir crazy if we are in the store longer than 20 minutes . Good thing she 's got her crazy , anti - shopping mother to keep her entertained when we go shopping with people who exceed our 20 - minute Clothes Shopping Limit . Of course , I had to comment right away when I saw this . Steven and I feel exactly the same way . It seems like no matter what we do , we just can 't seem to get ahead . We try to always be responsible . We pay our rent on time , pay our bills , and pay our taxes . We saved up and bought a home when everyone was telling us that the market was great and prices weren 't going to get any lower . We decided to make a small investment so I could make a go of doing my writing and photography full - time and be able to be home to take care of our daughter . We opened a bank account immediately after Cadence was born so we could start putting money away for her to go to college someday . We drive used cars that so we don 't have to carry the extra load of car payments . We try to only buy things that are on sale when we go grocery shopping . We work hard for every penny we are given , and then watch in dumfounded amazement as half of it is taken before it even reaches our pockets and the other half just seems to disappear as we pay for bills , for groceries , for gas , and for the dozen other things that just seem to pop up every month . Somewhere , somehow , the great American Dream turned into a rather grim reality . Too many average Americans are struggling just to make ends meet while the corrupt politicians and corporate big shots are lining their pockets with money taken out of the hands of blue collar workers . Billions of dollars were printed like Monopoly money and given away to dozens of big banks and businesses that our illustrous President deemed " too big to fail " . But they have failed , and they have taken all of us down with them . So what about the rest of us ? What about the people whose homes are suddenly not worth even half of what they paid for them ? What about the families who are watching their savings accounts dwindle ? What about the young adults who worked hard to get a good education , yet find themselves drowning in student loan debt , yet for all their knowledge , still can 't find a job ? What about the people who have lost their jobs , their homes , their hope ? Where is our bailout ? When do we get the chance to wipe the slate clean and start over ? I was raised with a good work ethic . My parents did their best to teach me the value of a dollar , and that I had to work hard to earn the things I wanted . We were blessed in many ways . We always had a comfortable home and food on the table . There were always some gifts under the Christmas tree . But there were things we couldn 't afford and certain luxuries that we made do without . I got jobs mowing lawns or babysitting to make extra money , and started working part - time at a local grocery store and preschool when I started high school . I was never one who expected something for nothing because , in my experience , that just wasn 't the way things worked . I guess that 's what makes it so hard for me to understand our current economic situation in this country and the sense of entitlement that so many people have . You get what you earn people . Nobody owes you anything . You want something ? You gotta make some sacrifices to get it . How is that so hard to understand ? We spend so much of our lives working and worrying , worrying and working . We are so wrapped up in the craziness of it that we miss out on so many of the little pleasures that life has to offer us . Life is too short to spend so much time caught up in this kind of craziness . And yet we 'll keep on going , keep plugging along , keep working and scrimping and saving and dreaming of a better life with more opportunities for our children until we finally get so fed up with this broken system that we are forced to figure out a way to change it . Today 's 365 Project entry is dedicated to all you hardworking folks who are out there pinching your pennies and dreaming of something better . We 'll get there eventually . Until then , just keep on keeping on . Since she first discovered dirt , Cadence has been obsessed . The only thing that trumps it is when she gets to play in the sand . Just last week , she had a meltdown in the Child Watch Center at the YMCA because it was starting to get stormy outside and the chaperones had to tear her away from the sandbox to bring her inside . So today was an extra special day when Cadence 's godmother dropped off her Easter gift . |
Posted on June 12 , 2012 by bowsbaublesandbeliefs Many years ago I had the pleasure of meeting a very gifted author but let me be honest in saying that I didn 't realize it at the time . The truth is that I was drawn to her warm , kind spirit and an autographed copy of the book was a bonus . As life would have it , right after receiving the book my life turned upside down and inside out leaving me in a place that left the book unopened . Finally about a year later ) , I was ready to give it a whirl . WOW ! ! ! My thought : I had let this jewel go untouched for this long ? ? ? So without further ado … They don 't even know me . They see me every day and don 't even know that I 'm lonely and miserable all the time . I thought they said that your eyes were the windows to your soul . If that 's true , my windows must be foggy or something . Nobody seems to know anything except for the fact that I have " bedroom " eyes , or so they say . All the guys say that I 'm the bomb . Yeah I am , TNT dressed in a black cat suit with high heeled pumps on ready to explode and blow the whole damn world up for my misfortunes . But the whole world didn 't hurt me so I guess I 'll let them live , for now anyway . Well , I hear my nosey roommate coming into the apartment , so I 'm going to leave you now because she 'll only try to read you and get into my business . Back to my secret hiding place you go . " What 's up Camille ? " Indee asked trying to play off her mad dash to the bathroom to hide her journal as Camille came into the house . " I had to use the bathroom bad as shit and couldn 't hold it any longer . I was watching Oprah today " she said changing the subject , " They had some stupid ass women on there telling all their damn business like there 's a magic fairy out there that can snap her damn fingers and make everything alright . " She continued , angry because those women had the courage to share their pain with something other than a journal . " They were trying to get outside help from anyone that would help them . They 're weak as shit ! My life is like walking over the sun barefoot compared to their drama . To me , they had it good . I 'd trade places with them any day . " She thought , feeling strong that she had kept her horrible secret for so long from everyone except her journal , which had become her confidant . " Hey Indee " , Camille called from the bedroom while changing into her favorite lounge - around - the - house outfit . If nothing else in her room was clean , she made sure her tight faded out black sweatpants with the stretched out elastic waist and her lucky Western High t - shirt was . That t - shirt got her her very first boyfriend , or at least her very first sexual experience from Poindexter McCall , the most sensitive nerd PolyTechnic High had ever welcomed through its doors . " What are we having for dinner tonight ? This is your week to cook and I 'm very hungry . I haven 't eaten all day hoping that you would make some more vegetarian lasagna and garlic bread like you did the last time . That shit was the bomb girl . Kenney and Mike can 't stop talking about it . If I wasn 't sure of myself I would swear that Kenney wanted you now since you 're so perfect . " Indee remained quiet . She had totally forgotten that this was her week to cook . She was due to begin running again today and had promised herself that nothing was going to get in her way . " Indee are you ignoring me again ? " Camille called out to her . " That damn girl is always on cloud nine , in another time zone . Hell , if I had all the propositions she had and those looks I would be on cloud nine too . " Camille thought , smiling about her daydream . " I wouldn 't have a care in the world , life would be perfect ! I wouldn 't have to worry about making sure I had a girdle on every time I left the house so that my fat wouldn 't jiggle when I walked . Shit , I wouldn 't know what to do with myself . I would be at every hoochie mama store in Mondawmin Mall to make sure all eyes were on me . There would be no shame in my game ! Indee keeps that body of hers all covered up like she 's ashamed or something . If I were her everybody would want to get a sip from my Coke bottle . Damn she 's lucky . Thank God I have a cute face and a wonderful personality . Otherwise I would have a hard time keeping a man around her ass . " " Come on Indee , I 'll even help this time . I saved my appetite all day thinking about this meal . You can 't let me down , were best friends , sisters even . " She whined walking behind Indee . Camille knew that Indee was a pushover . All anyone had to do was whine or seem upset and Indee would do everything within her power to make them happy and keep them satisfied . Indee wished that people would do the same for her sometimes , but they never did . People didn 't really care about anything but themselves she thought . " Alright , Alright I 'll make it ! " Indee exclaimed , angry with herself for giving in . " I 'll go running afterward . Everything happens for a reason . Maybe I 'm being kept away from something dangerous . " She rationalized to herself to keep from being irritated . Dinner was off the hook as usual whenever Indee cooked . She was a scientist in the kitchen , able to make everybody who professed to hate vegetables change their minds . A taste of her food made folks flashback to the " good old days " of sitting at the table with the entire family preparing to say prayer over Sunday Dinner . To top it off , she had a house that looked like she spent a million bucks on it . God knows that counselors don 't make much , but Indee didn 't let that stop her . She had that thrifting thing down packed . She knew where to go for everything she needed and desired . She was so good at it that at the end of her weekly shopping sprees she would still have enough money left over to put twenty - five percent of her paycheck into the bank for a rainy day . And let 's not talk about looks . Indee kept herself in shape by running all of the time - in the morning before work , in the evening after work and sometimes after dinner . Running seemed to bring her comfort . There was no one there but her and the wind as she let her misery pass until her strides came to their undesired end . Hell , she knew she couldn 't run forever , but sometimes she wished she could , just to escape life . Everybody thought she ran to keep herself in shape because at thirty - five she had the body of a voluptuous teenage girl , only better . Her breasts were firm and stood erect as if she had just begun to grow them . Gravity had not affected her like it had all the others . Her waist was slim and was attached to a behind that must have been custom - made by God himself . Everything about her was perfect from her long jet - black naturally wavy hair that hung past her breast , to her extremely soft , weekly pedicured feet . All the women wanted to be Indee except for herself . She would rather have been a fish or a bird , free from harm , or better yet , an ugly girl that no one wanted . While getting dressed into her favorite navy blue and red FUBU sweat suit and sneakers Indee contemplated how much easier life could be if there was no such thing as pain or loss before being brought back to reality . The only way I can get that is if I die , and that doesn 't seem like anything that 's going to happen anytime soon . She thought to herself . " Be careful ! " Camille hollered back . " I hate when she goes running at night ! These streets are too damn crazy , especially when you 're as fine as Indee is . Damn I 'm jealous ! " she chuckled to herself . Camille woke up from her after dinner nap to find that Indee had not made it back home . " God I hope nothing happened to her . " She thought . " It 's almost eleven o ' clock already . It never takes her this long when she goes on her runs . It 's been two hours since she left . Maybe she 's over Mikes house . Let me call and find out . " " I hope not , but she left to go running after dinner around eight o ' clock and hasn 't gotten back yet . She 's usually back by now and I 'm worried . " While they were talking Camille 's line beeped . " Hold on Mike , my other line is beeping . " " Yes may I help you ? " Camille answered quickly . " I 'm fine . I 'll explain it to you when you get here . Please come as soon as you can , I 'm exhausted . " Indee pleaded . " Don 't worry about it . I 'll go and get her . I got to make sure my baby is alright . " Mike said as he ran out the door . Indee was the only woman that he had ever really loved sincerely and totally , no matter how unpredictable she was at times . Twenty minutes had already passed and Indee was becoming impatient . " Damn , I 'll just try to hail a cab or get a hack because I 'm tired as shit ! " she thought as she began to walk toward Madison Street . Just as she was about to turn the corner she noticed Mike 's Mercedes Benz truck pull up . " Indee , what 's wrong baby , why didn 't you call me ? Are you alright ? " Mike raddled off quickly as he jumped out the truck . He looked Indee over and saw that she had no bruises and was temporarily relieved that she had not been injured . " Calm down love I 'm alright , but the person that I 'm here for isn 't . I witnessed the murder of this young girl tonight while I was on my run . I was the only visible witness there . " " I 'm grown dammit ! " Indee said with tears welling up in her eyes . " I can do anything I want to . If something is meant to happen to me it will , regardless to where I am . " " Come here baby . " Mike said as he pulled Indee toward him . He gently kissed her on her forehead and held her close . " I love you baby and don 't want anything to happen to you . You 're everything to me . If something happened to you I would lose my mind . " Indee was at a lost for words . She never believed that anyone could ever truly love her , especially if they found out her secret . She hugged him back and enjoyed the comfort for the moment . It was a long ride home . Indee thought about the murdered girl and wished that she were in her shoes . " At least I wouldn 't have to worry about having to feel this pain anymore . " She thought to herself before dozing off . " No thanks , I 'm fine . Thanks for all the concern though . " She said giving Mike a hug and a small peck on the lips . " I 'll call you tomorrow when I get home from work , but make sure you call me as soon as you get in the house so that I 'll know you made it home safely . I don 't want anything happening to you because of little old me . Good night and thanks again . " she said before running into her house . Her prayers were answered . Camille was fast asleep on the sofa . She tried her best to wait up for Indee but the " Sleep God " got the best of her . Indee prepared to take her shower . The water was hotter than usual , but she enjoyed every bit of it . She had been through a lot and she needed to relax . A hot shower was the ticket . She shampooed her hair while showering . It was quicker that way . Why waste water ? She 'd always say . After showering she moisturized her skin with shea butter and put on her favorite pajamas with the feet that Camille always joked her for . She said that Indee looked like a big kid with them on and she was right . But Indee loved those fuzzy , lint collecting , powder pink pajamas . They always made her feel secure , so she could care less what other people thought about them . She completed her nighttime ritual of making prayer and then writing in her journal before going to bed . Tonight was crazy , more crazy than usual . I witnessed a murder on my after dinner run . This poor little girl was robbed and shot in the head . She died instantly . It all happened so fast . I just happened to be the only witness there . Ain 't that something ? I kind of envy that girl because all her pains are over and it ended so quickly . She must have been lucky because at least she didn 't have to suffer . It sounds crazy , but there are times that I tried to rush myself into an early grave but was unsuccessful . I 'm still here for some reason . I know that sounds ungrateful , but I 'm tired of feeling this pain . I 'm tired of carrying this heavy load . Well , my eyes are getting heavy so I 'm going to stop here . The sound of Bob Marley singing ' Get Up Stand Up ' blared through Indee 's vintage - inspired CD alarm clock that she found at the Patapsco Flea Market . " T . G . I . F . " she mumbled as she sluggishly crawled out of bed . " Thank you God for waking me up this morning and allowing me to see another one of your beautiful days . " She said every morning even though she was unsure of whether she wanted to live or die . Indee prayed that the grass was greener on the other side , but didn 't have a clue . Nobody ever came back from the dead to tell her how much better or worse life was on the other side . " I need to hurry up . I 've been late twice already this week . Mr . Smith is going to sit in on our morning staff pow wow today and I don 't want to give him an excuse to cut the fool . " Indee said out loud as she got ready for work . Mr . Smith had a reputation that preceded him . He was all about business no matter what . He was one of those Uncle - Tom type of Negroes that had to prove to master how much he deserved to be in the big house instead of in the field like the other niggers . Just two years his mother had passed away during the same week that the center was being audited . Instead of him going to his own mother 's funeral , he had decided to stay and meet the auditors . He said that he would see her again in the sweet by and by and that she knew that he loved her . How trifling is that ? " Everyone seems to fear him except for me . He 's just a man . He puts his pants on like everybody else , one leg at a time . Just the same , I need to hurry up . " Indee whispered while fumbling through her closets for something to wear . Indee arrived at the center with fifteen minutes to kill . She liked the feeling of being able to enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme doughnut that was fresh out of the oven . " Mmm mmm mmm , free food is the best , especially in the morning . " She said out loud . Young people were everywhere playing in every room they could . The center was their safe haven from the projects they called home . It was their opportunity to have a healthy snack , air conditioning in the summer , heat in the winter , and a place to talk to an adult that didn 't judge them for the circumstances they were forced to grow up in . " I 'm alright Ms . Indee . " Sherika said , but Indee didn 't believe her . She seemed to truly connect with Sherika . They shared an unknown bond that neither of them could explain , but both could feel . Sherika Stanton was one of the twenty - five children that Indee counseled at the center . Ever since she had been gang raped at the age of twelve by a group of neighborhood boys she lost respect for herself . Instead of the struggle of keeping herself whole until she found someone worthy , Sherika gave her body to anyone who seemed to care about her . Just last month , she had her first lesbian experience with an older lady named Sparkles who had taken her in when she had nowhere else to go . She said that she didn 't enjoy it , but as long as she played the role she was guaranteed a place to stay . Up until then , Sherika had been staying anywhere she could since she ran away from home . You see Sherika 's mother never believed that she had been raped . She believed that Sherika had given herself to those guys willingly and made up that fantastic story about being raped to keep from being embarrassed and getting in trouble . None of the signs mattered to Ms . Stanton . Neither Sherika 's black eye , bruised shoulder , or newly stitched - up vagina could convince her that Sherika 's sexual encounter was not willingly endured . " That little bitch is too damn fast ! " Ms . Stanton had hollered as she pushed Sherika out of the cab and into the house causing a scene . She beat Sherika 's behind like the slave master beat the slaves whenever they tried to escape . Sherika ran away that night and never went back . That was almost a year ago . " Your eyes are saying differently . " Indee said cautiously . " What 's wrong Honey ? You know you can talk to me about anything . I 'm here for you if you need me okay . " " I 'll talk to you later alright . " Indee said to Sherika while gathering her things . " If I had just come in here right after I got my coffee I would have been on time . " She whispered to herself . " Mrs . Shabazz is holding the floor today . That 's strange . " She thought . " Thanks for being on time Ms . Indee . " Mrs . Shabazz said with a smirk on her face . Everyone in the room burst out laughing because they knew that ten minutes late for Indee was like being an hour early for the rest of them . " As I was saying , " Mrs . Shabazz continued . " Some of us are born with the divine gift of connecting our souls with the souls of others in a way that saves lives . Some of us truly care about the well being of others , and you can tell by the difference their presence makes in the lives of those that they touch . That 's why we 're here this morning , to honor Ms . Indee Blackstone for being the best example of a true sister , mother , mentor and friend . Bring out the plaque and flowers . " She gestured to Bryan Lewis . " Congratulations Ms . Indee ! " Bryan said with a wide smile . " I wrote a poem for you , but I 'll read it to you later . " He whispered while handing her the bouquet of flowers . Bryan was the office honey that all the sistas drooled over , but were too afraid to make a move on . They didn 't want to hear him talk about how much Jesus had brought him peace , all they wanted was a piece , of him that is . Bryan proved the saying wrong that all a man wants is what 's between a woman 's legs . He chose to save himself for the woman that would be blessed to become his bride . To him , first base was preferable and second base was tolerated , but making a homerun with someone that wasn 't his wife was out of the question . His famous saying was " Why play a game that ends too quickly ? " Everyone stood up clapping and cheering for Indee because true indeed , she had a heart of gold , and it always showed . But despite all that she did , Indee never knew that she really made a difference . " I 'm only doing my job . " She thought . " Thank you so much , but this reward will be shared amongst us all . The differences that I make are only because of the love and support that y ' all always give . Thanks for everything . " She said humbly before returning to her seat . The claps continued for a few more seconds because everyone knew that Indee truly deserved her award . She put the d in dedicated . No matter the task , Indee was the one to call on if you needed help . She took her job seriously , often taking home loads of work for other counselors so that their youth wouldn 't be slighted . Other times she allowed youth to stay at her home when they had nowhere else to go . That was , until Mr . Smith found out and put a stop to it . The meeting was wrapped up after all the business of the week had been discussed . " There is so much work to do when helping others , but I wouldn 't trade this for anything . " Indee thought . " You know I got a minute for you Bryan . I can 't wait to hear my poem . " She said trying not to look into his deep - set eyes . " Well , I wrote this piece for you a long time ago , but it doesn 't have a name . I hope you like it . " He said , clearing his throat . " I 'll be at your job at twelve sharp . I made reservations for us at Moma 's Kitchen . I remembered how much you enjoyed it the last time we were there . Please don 't be late baby . " " Alllllll riiiiiiiggghhhtttt . " Indee whined playfully . " I 'll be at the door waiting for you at eleven fifty - nine with my jacket and purse in hand . " Lunch was great . The food was always good at Moma 's Kitchen and the staff was always pleasant , quite different from how society portrayed black people . People from all over traveled to Moma 's Kitchen to get a good home - cooked meal away from home . The restaurant had a following of it 's own from national celebrities and dignitaries to regular folk that just appreciated a good thing . That 's why it was best to call in advance to secure a spot in the place . Nobody seemed to care that the restaurant was a renovated house on Kossuth Street in Edmondson Village . That 's what gave it its unique charm . It made you feel like you were visiting your relatives from out of town . Oooh and that homemade peach cobbler and sweet - potato pie from scratch that Moma made , made a nigga want to lose his religion ! After they finished their meal , Mike paid the bill and gave the waiter a nice tip . He pulled Indee 's chair from under her and proceeded with the rest of his plans for the afternoon . He planned on taking Indee on a stroll around the reservoir before taking her back to work . He wanted to pop the question to her again and wanted to make sure the atmosphere was perfect . Being turned down again was not an option ; neither his ego nor his heart could handle it . It was such a beautiful day . The sun shined brightly , the trees were in full bloom and the birds sang softly . Spring was definitely in season . Mike took Indee 's left hand and gently rubbed it between his . They walked about half a mile saying nothing , simply enjoying each other 's company . As they approached the row of pink and white cherry blossom trees in Hanlon Park , Mike stopped in front of Indee , slowing her pace . He took both of her hands and looked her directly in her eyes without saying a word . He had to pull himself together first . He knew that the answer to his question would forever change his life no matter how Indee responded . If Indee said no this time he was prepared to break off their five - year relationship to be friends instead . He wasn 't getting any younger and was ready to settle down . He wanted to have a few children to impart his wisdom upon . He wanted some little Mikes running around . But , if she said yes , he would be the happiest man alive because he would be marrying a true helpmeet . A fine woman that made him feel like a man , not only in the bedroom , but in every sense . " Indee . " Mike started off with beads of sweat forming on his forehead . " I want to ask you a serious question , but before you cut me off , let me plead my case . Ever since I met you my life hasn 't been the same . I can still remember when I first laid eyes on you . You were wearing a fuchsia and purple sweat suit , running around the reservoir . You looked so cool . You were running your heart out , but you didn 't break a sweat at all . Your beautiful hair bounced up and down your jacket with each step you made . I know because I ran behind you as long as I could , enjoying the scenery . " Mike smiled . " When I finally caught up to you I was in awe because you were so beautiful . Your eyes just melted my heart away . I was not about to let you leave before having the opportunity to get to know you . Even though you politely brushed me off to continue with your run I knew that I had met my match . I knew that you were the one for me . If it had taken me the entire summer to take you out I would have waited because I knew that I loved you the moment I laid eyes on you . You comfort me . You give me peace of mind . You put my soul at ease just by being yourself . I know that you 've been hurt by men in your past , but I promise you that I 'll never purposely do anything to hurt you . Please baby , please don 't say no to me this time . " Mike said while getting on one knee . He went into his suit jacket and pulled out a small black velvet box . " Baby , there 's no one else in the world more perfect for me than you . Will you marry me ? " He said opening the box . Indee stood there frozen as if suspended in time . Her entire life flashed before her eyes . She loved Mike , but didn 't want to marry him because she knew that once he discovered who she really was his impression of her would never be the same . That he would not love her anymore . " Baby this love will be forever . I promise to be that black knight in shining armor that will run all your demons away . I promise to do everything within my power to make you as happy as you 've made me this moment . " He said with a tear running down his cheek . Indee arrived back to work on time and hurried into her office . She needed some privacy . So much had happened in one day that her head felt like it would burst . " Why did I say yes to him ? He deserves to be with someone else . He wants to have children and I haven 't told him that I can 't have any . What 's wrong with me ? Why can 't I be honest with him ? He deserves to know the truth . I have to tell him , but how do I present the real Indee Blackstone when he 's fallen in love with the imposter ? What the hell am I going to do ? " She sighed . " I can 't wait until I get home so that I can clear my head with my run . " At five o ' clock Indee punched out and headed home . " I 'll have to run like Forest Gump to get this monkey of my back ! " She said out loud . Within thirty minutes Indee was at home . She quickly changed into her sweats and prepared for her run . Friday 's were Camille 's late nights so Indee was relieved of her dinner requirement for the day . She grabbed her keys and headed out the door . Tonight 's run was crucial . She needed to clear her mind so that she could make the right decisions . " Life sure is tough . " She said to herself . Indee ran her usual route this time . She wasn 't eager to be another eyewitness anytime soon . As she ran she thought about her life and the cards she had been dealt , or rather the cards she had chosen . " Only if I could turn back the hands of time , I would do many things differently . " She thought . Back then were the times she wished she could forget . Too much had happened . Too many lives had been affected by her selfish choices . Things did not go the way she had planned or wanted , and it was all her fault . If she could do it all over again she would not have done it at all . " Maybe in my dreams I 'll find my solutions . " She thought while sprinting her last lap . When Indee got home she quickly got undressed and hopped into the shower to rid her of the stinky telltale odor that you get when you work really hard . She grabbed two towels from the linen closet , one for her body and the other for her hair . When she finished , she laid across her bed and turned on the television . Exhausted from her day , she accidentally dozed off . Before long she was in a deep sleep , subconsciously taking a trip down memory lane … Mr . Tim is so nice and fine . He takes good care of me and my mother . I wish he had a son so that we could double date or something . Last night I peeked in my mom 's room while they were having sex and it didn 't look painful at all to me like Rita said . I didn 't see any cherries pop out or any walls being broken . My mother seemed to be having the time of her life . He was sucking on her breast and other places that I would rather not write about , but would rather feel someday . Mommy seemed like she was losing her mind . She was wiggling all over her bed . I wonder if someone will ever love me the way Mr . Tim loves my mom ? I sure hope so , because sex seems to be fun to me . I can 't wait to tell Rita that she lied . She 's so stupid . She probably never even had sex before . Indee was abruptly awakened out of her sleep by the loud ringing of her telephone . " Yes may I help you ? " She asked wiping her eyes , trying to get herself together . " It 's me , Sherika , Ms . Indee . I 'm sorry for calling you so late but I can 't take this anymore . I can 't sleep at night anymore because when I close my eyes I feel like I 'm being raped all over again . I don 't want to live anymore Ms . Indee . I 'd rather be dead ! " Sherika screamed . " I 'll never be the same Ms . Indee . I 'm already dying . The doctor says I 'm HIV positive . Those motherfuckers knew they had AIDS when they did that shit to me ! I just wanted you to know that I was a virgin until that day . All my friends were having sex , but I was too scared to . I wanted to wait until I found somebody that would love me for me . " " Where are you Sherika ? I going to come and get you . It 's going to be all right . I 'm going to be here for you honey . " " I know you would Ms . Indee , but I 'm going to be fine . I just wanted to thank you for showing me love . I 'll never forget you for that and please don 't ever forget about me . " Sherika cried before hanging up the phone . Indee put on the first thing that she could find , grabbed her purse and keys and ran out the door . " I have to find her . She doesn 't deserve this ! " Indee said . After three unsuccessful hours of riding around searching for Sherika , Indee went home and called the police . She told them everything she could , and filed a missing person 's report . " I pray that she 's OK . " Indee kept saying . " God please protect that poor little child . " I told Rita that she was a liar because she didn 't know anything about sex . I told all my friends about what I saw in my mother 's room and this boy named Nicolas was eavesdropping on my conversation and said that I was scared to have sex . He said that I didn 't really see my mother and Mr . Tim having sex . He said that he could tell if I really knew what to do because he had done it already . Rita and the girls said that I should do it to him to prove him wrong , but I don 't know if I should . My mother would kill me . But if it really feels as good as mommy made it seem last night , at least I 'd die a happy girl . " Ma ' am , your daughter was rushed to shock trauma tonight with a severe gunshot wound to her head . We 've been working on her , but things aren 't looking good . We need you to come down here as soon as possible . " Indee hung up the phone without saying a word . She ran out her house and got into her car . She drove nearly eighty miles an hour to get to the hospital . When she arrived , Sherika was just being taken out of surgery and was being placed in ICU . She was hooked up to several machines to help her breathe and to monitor her vital signs . Indee could not believe that it was Sherika lying there in that bed . She didn 't even look like herself . Her head was swollen , making it difficult to see her big doe eyes . Indee broke down crying so hard that the doctors had to come escort her out of the room . In her heart she knew that Sherika would not make it through the night , and if she did , she couldn 't imagine the type of life that she would physically be able to live . She remained at the hospital all night long by Sherika 's side , wishing that she could have been there to help her cope with the news , and also praying that God 's will be done . At 8 : 37am Sherika flat - lined and was unable to be brought back . " Such a tragic ending for such a beautiful young girl 's life ! " Indee cried as tears streamed down her cheeks . Indee could not get Sherika out of her mind . She was extremely angry with Sherika 's mother for pushing her own daughter away , for not believing that she was actually raped and for not going after her when she ran away . She was angry at Sparkles for using Sherika to satisfy her freaky passionate lifestyle and for not caring whether Sherika lived or died . But out of everyone , Indee was angrier with herself for not making Sherika get the help that she desperately needed . One - hour group sessions once a week at the center weren 't enough to handle the type of stress that Sherika was under . Sherika had real issues that a hug and a free scoop of ice cream couldn 't remedy . In her heart , Sherika was a part of her that would never be forgotten . Months had passed before Indee was able to function properly . She put everything and everybody on hold including Mike while she sorted things out and reorganized her life . She kept him at a distance because she wanted and needed to come to grips with her past , and she could not do that with him around . The hurdle she had to jump this time was one that she had to jump alone . Although it had been nearly twenty years since he had passed away , Indee still begged him for his forgiveness and cried when she could not hear his answer . He was the only father she had ever known , because her biological father had run off before she was born . Poppy took her to baseball games , taught her how to tie her shoes , how to catch fish , and how to fight and protect herself from men . She was his little angel , the apple in his eye . Indee sat at the cemetery amongst the beautiful flowers wishing that she could teleport herself into yesteryear . Things would be so different . Her Poppy would be there to console her , comfort her , guide her and give her a good reason to want to live . " Poppy , it 's me , Indee . I told you that I would visit you every Sunday no matter what . I know that I 've been quiet on my visits these past couple of months and I apologize for that . I just haven 't felt like bearing my soul lately because it 's been too painful . Besides , you 're unable to give me advice anymore anyway . Lately I 've been meditating though , struggling for balance , trying to make the best choices with my life . You know that I 'm getting married soon . Mike has been so good to me , but I feel unworthy of his love . Part of me wants to help him find someone else that 's more suitable for him . I 'm too messed up these days . Sometimes I honestly don 't know if I 'm coming or going . We haven 't set a date yet , but he 's very persistent . He says that he 'll take care of everything including my gown . He said all I have to do is show up . That 's love huh ? What should I do Poppy ? I 've never been this scared since you left me . What if I don 't measure up to his expectations ? What if he realizes that I 'm not the perfect woman he thinks I am ? What if he finds out that I can 't have any children ? I know that he wants children and won 't want to be with me once he finds out . All he talks about is us being together , sharing the American dream of a fine home on the hill with a white picket fence , two fancy cars , two children and a dog named Spot . Life is too complex ! Well Poppy , I love you with all my soul . Say hello to my mother and give her a big hug and kiss for me . Don 't forget to tell her that I 'm truly sorry . See you next Sunday Poppy . " Indee said as she kissed the top of her grandfather 's tombstone , leaving the bouquet of sunflowers in front of his grave before leaving . On the way home Indee took the scenic route through York Road . She wanted to see those beautiful homes on the outskirts of the city with the neatly manicured and landscaped lawns . Each time she traveled that route she would pick out her favorite house and imagine her life there . " Oh I can see it now . All my friends coming to visit me in that big beautiful stone and brick house with the six foot pond in the back yard . My garden parties will be lovely with all those exotic butterflies flying around . Where there is no vision the people perish . " She said out loud with a smile on her face . " Poppy you sure answered my question quickly today . " Indee said smiling from ear to ear . She loved having flowers around her . Poppy would always make it his business to get her fresh flowers every weekend until the day he died . As she put the flowers into her fancy Tiffany Vase , her $ 3 steal at a yard sale last year , she thought of calling Mike . She really missed him even though she didn 't want to admit it . She wanted to be in control of her life . She wanted to be the one to make her happy . She didn 't want to become dependent on anyone else to make her life fulfilling , not even Mike . After several rings , Mike 's answering machine picked up . " Thank you Mike for the most beautiful floral arrangement that I 've seen in a long time . I know that I 've been very busy lately , but I wanted you to know that I miss you very much and can 't wait to talk to you . Call me back as soon as you get this message . I love you . Indee " So , what do you think ? Are you hooked yet ? You will never believe how this story ends . You don 't believe me ? Find out for yourself . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Stephanie knew something had gone really out of kilter almost before she woke up . She was having one of those silly , but agreeable dreams that come from nowhere and end up the same way . She was in a canoe , flying over the Grand Canyon with a couple of the stars from an old TV show . Then a beeping noise started , and a convenience store appeared in the sky . " That 's my stop ! " one of her traveling companions said , and he and his fellow FBI agent got up and went into the store . Stephanie grabbed the paddle before it fell into the chasm , and began paddling for all she was worth , but the beeping didn 't stop . She rolled over in bed and slapped at the alarm clock , and the beeping finally stopped . " Damn alarm , " she muttered to herself , before she realized she didn 't have an alarm clock on her side of the bed , because she never used one . The bed felt funny , too . It was solid , not wobbly like her old comfy waterbed . She lay there on her stomach for a moment more , and let her hand drop off the clock . Her hand didn 't hit anything , and it should have . There was a pile of books there , or at least there was supposed to be . … and whatintheheck was she doing lying on her stomach ? She 'd quit doing that twenty pounds ago . With an ease and grace that surprised her , she rolled over and sat up , opening her eyes and looking around . It took a moment to register her surroundings , as she was bending this way and that , wondering why her back wasn 't hurting as it always did first thing in the morning . The room was familiar . It was all white lace and purple satin , with delicate - looking white furniture , and a purple velvet spread kicked down to the end of the king - sized , four - poster bed . Off to her left was the spiral staircase that went up to a trapdoor , which led to a rooftop lookout deck , ideal for watching the sun rise over the mountains . On her right was the big closet , which took up almost all of one wall , leaving just enough room for the door to the bathroom . Yes , it was familiar , but it wasn 't her bedroom . She 'd imagined this room a thousand times before ; had in fact , created it . Every stitch of lace and detail of overblown decorating had come right out of her head - and onto the computer screen . This was the bedroom out of her fifth or sixth book , the one where the famous shrink is stalked by a former client . She looked down next to her on the bed , where it was clear somebody had been sleeping . Who ? Her husband of thirty years or Julian , the " nationally - known renegade psychologist " ? The pile of lacy , beribboned pillows dumped on the floor next to the bed on the far side was a trait of Julian 's , and part of the private joke between the two main characters about the kitschy room . She went into the bathroom and looked around in there , while trying to decide if she was awake or not . Nothing had any of the qualities of a dream . Time seemed normal , the sink and bathtub were solid , and cool to the touch . Unlike the bedroom , this room was minimalist , almost Spartan . There was nothing much there that wasn 't utilitarian . ( She was never concerned with creating bathrooms or garages - kitchens and bedrooms were her favorites . ) She checked out the cupboards and drawers for guy things , and then she remembered in the book Julian had his own bathroom and closet across the hall . She looked in the mirror and gasped . The reflection was Stephanie , but twenty years younger , much slimmer , and maybe even a little taller . Not a hint of grey in this hair . Not to mention she was wearing a nightgown that she 'd never even think of wearing , under normal circumstances . The thing probably would cost ordinary Stephanie more than she paid for her computer . Well , there wasn 't much else to do but play along . She knew where everything was , so she brushed her teeth with the new , spare toothbrush stashed in a drawer , took the robe , ( which matched the maroon silk nightgown , of course ) off its hook behind the door , and took a deep breath before venturing out into the rest of the house . The dumbwaiter was there , at the end of the hallway , complete with the indicator lights for each of the three floors it serviced . Across the hall were the two other bedrooms , one with a set of nondescript beige furniture , drapes , and carpeting , and a closetful of men 's clothes she knew her husband Fred would never wear in a million years , even if he could afford them . The suits and shoes were Julian 's style and size . She gulped , as she recognized the grey suit he wore the night Sherry fell in love with Julian at the seminar in Seattle … or was it Detroit ? Her stomach started growling , which mystified her even more . So , she was awake , but how did this happen ? What was going on ? " Play along , Steph old girl , " she whispered to herself , as she closed the closet door . She sashayed down the stairs , which had the wrought - iron railing she expected , light as a gazelle . Apparently no arthritis in this set of knees , either . The kitchen door was across the hall , behind her a bit , and she was heading that way when a voice she 'd only ever heard in her mind came from the room on her left . " Morning , glory ! " She was so stunned she hardly registered the light blue leather furniture in the living room . The afghan , crocheted from cream colored wool by Julian 's mother , and lying folded across the back of one of the couches caught her eye . At least she 'd be able to tell what part of the story she was in by her surroundings . She knew she had to go into Julian 's office and say something . Oh , yikes ! Mr . Perfect - with - no - flaws - whatsoever was on the other side of that doorway . " Uh , yeah . Just fine and dandy . " She poked her head in the doorway , and there he sat , on the floor in the empty room with his laptop . Every bit as gorgeous as I imagined him , she observed . Even in a ratty T - shirt and a pair of running shorts that she somehow knew had the pocket in the back torn off . Ooh , and that truly wonderful set of … She made herself pay attention to the action in the scene . " I 'm starving . Want some breakfast ? " He flashed her a brilliant smile , chuckling to himself . " I thought you 'd get after me for not using your office . Figured I 'd check the phone line in here . It works . Then I got sidetracked looking at e - mail . When 's that guy supposed to come and build the desk and whatnot ? " She drew a blank . " H 'm , not sure , I 'll need to check . " She winked , hoping she was being Sherry - like . " Right now I 'm more interested in some eggs . So what do you say ? Chow ? " He shook his head . " I 'm good . Did a bagel and etcetera about half an hour ago . Hey , have you got plans for today ? I thought I 'd go locate a gym and maybe pick up on a bike . I didn 't want you to feel deserted . " " Oh , I 'm sure I 've got plenty to keep me busy . " Even though she thought a kiss or something was probably obligatory , it was just too soon to get that familiar , even with a guy she invented herself . At least this was one of those glossed - over days when time in the book went ahead without much narration . There wasn 't anything in the book about gyms or bikes , she knew that much . She gave him a wave and a smile , thinking Sherry would leave him alone with his e - mail , and went into the kitchen . The fridge was full , and all of the state - of - the art appliances stood gleaming and ready , exactly as she 'd imagined . She put eggs in a pan and bread in the toaster , and looked around the corner to see if that downstairs bathroom had ended up behind the kitchen , or what . She 'd never decided that one way or another . It was an unusual house . It was perched on the side of a hill , and the front door opened onto the middle floor , where the kitchen was . It seemed a little too odd to have a big bathroom facing the road , but then something needed to fill the space between the kitchen and the front wall of the house . The bathroom was there all right , with minimal stuff like the one upstairs . She went back to her breakfast and tried to formulate a plan of some kind as she buttered toast and set the long mahogany dining table for one . From her seat she could see the entire main floor , and was rather pleased at the spacious , yet comfortable house she created . The living room was a couple of steps down from here , and on the far side of the room her office , with everything technological known to man . At least at the time of the writing , three years ago . She wondered as she ate if she had a DSL connection or was still stuck with dialup . Either way , she 'd see if her book was available online in this alternate universe , or whatever it was . Knowing what was coming would be helpful . Well , she knew what was coming , but some of the details were foggy . She did know that Sherry would get dressed after eating , and then get to work , whatever it was she was working on . This time of day her assistant , whose name escaped her , would call or maybe even show up , so getting friendly with Julian on a more - basic level wouldn 't need to be faced right away . More than once she 'd wondered what it would be like to actually live in some of the lives she created , and now here she was , somehow . If she knew how to get back to her real life it might 've been fun , but this way sucked . What was poor Fred doing right now ? She hoped this was one of tWell , at least she hadn 't been transported as one of the bad guys who tended to show up in one form or another in all her books . Although it might have been illuminating to walk around as Clarisse in Book 3 , the woman who abused her husband and tried to kill her baby , or that girl in # 4 who was in love with her cousin - whatever her name was . She rinsed off her dishes and stuck them in the dishwasher , and she was leaning against the counter wondering if she was stuck here forever , when Julian came up behind her . " Everything OK ? You seem a little distracted this morning , " he said , resting a hand on her shoulder . She tried hard not to jump out of her skin . " Everything 's fine , just got a story brewing . " She leaned a little back toward him , in order to seem not quite so confused about how to react . He probably would 've kissed her , at the very least , but the doorbell rang , which put things off for a bit longer . " Bet that 's Blake , " Julian said , moving to go and open the door . " And the shelves and cupboards guy as well , no doubt , " Stephanie said , glad her assistant 's name had come up easily . " I think I 'll go get dressed and let you guys deal with the room , all right ? " She escaped to the bedroom , where again she knew where things were , and even recognized some of the clothes . Sherry would not have T - shirts and old shorts , which was Steph 's usual attire . There were some beautiful things in the closet that Steph had dreamed of wearing , like slinky cocktail dresses and a genuine antique Chanel suit . The closet was orderly and neat , with similar kinds of outfits grouped together by function , then by color , which had to be Blake 's doing . Even Sherry wouldn 't be that organized ! This was helpful , though , and it wasn 't too hard to figure out that a pair of comfortable slacks and a plain top would be what Sherry wore around the house . This was getting interesting , and she raced through her shower and put on a little makeup , according to which things in the drawer looked the most used . She stopped by in Julian 's office , knowing she couldn 't get away without at least speaking to Blake , and his carpenter buddy , whose name was Randy , she suddenly remembered . No surprises there ; they looked and acted like they were supposed to . She told Blake she 'd let him know if she needed him , but right now it looked like she 'd spend the day with her head in the computer . It seemed Blake knew that . Once in the office - Sherry 's private domain - Steph was able to relax a little . Now maybe she could get some answers to things that were bothering her , like the question of whether Steph and Fred existed in this world . Would the book be there online , and downloadable ? She sat down at the computer , took a deep breath , and Googled . Sure enough , there she was , as herself . Same place and everything . Steph didn 't even try to figure that one out . She went right to her publisher 's website , and started to order the book , until she got to the credit card part . She hadn 't bothered to look around the office much , but now she did . She spotted Sherry 's purse on top of the cabinet by the window . Feeling like a snoop , she went over and picked up the purse , and looked for the wallet which would surely have a credit card she could use . The contents of the purse was an eye - opener . Six credit cards , a checkbook with a balance showing in ten figures , ninety - five dollars in cash . A tiny spiral notebook with " Julian " written on the front in handwriting identical to Steph 's . Inside was Julian 's schedule , complete with flight numbers , times , hotels , airports , the whole nine yards . It was clear Sherry knew where Julian was at any given time , and had done for a very long time , as the book was nearly full . Well , of course she would . Her relationship with Julian had been conducted mainly in airports and hotel restaurants , before the book started . They were both writers and speakers , on the road a lot , who managed to connect with each other every chance they got , even if it was only a few minutes in passing at an airport . If Steph 's observations were correct , they were somewhere in the middle of the book right now . This was after they 'd both decided to take some time off , when Julian realized he was becoming a cult figure to some people after he discovered more than one fan website devoted to him . Sherry wanted to write another book , instead of traveling the country talking about writing . This was also after Julian 's mother passed away , which was why her handmade afghan was on the couch . ( It had been in Julian 's office , and Sherry kept it as a memento . ) The scary stuff hadn 't started yet . Later on , Blake would find pictures online of Sherry and Julian having sex on the rooftop deck , taken by a disturbed woman who had been stalking Julian for months . She was in the part of the story where she 'd had a little trouble - it was hard to get the plot moving along at that point , as it seemed like the characters really were tired from the road , and she 'd produced an endless series of scenes where Sherry and Julian were sitting around , not doing much of anything . Most of those had gone straight to the recycle bin . As she ordered her book and waited for it to download , cursing the dialup connection , she realized she could change the story from where she was . She could keep the scary stuff from happening , since she knew right where Julian 's stalker was , and could do something about it . Later she 'd take a walk down the road and have a look for a white minivan , but after Julian and Blake had gone into town , so she could avoid more questions about why she was acting so strangely . In the room next door , the guys were coming up with a design for the built - ins and showing no signs of being ready to go . Julian and Blake got along now , after a rocky start . A silly note Blake in the book left for Sherry , but found by Julian had been fully explained . In fact , the two men got on like a house afire . She couldn 't quite make out the words through the wall , but it seemed they had plenty to talk about . Steph used the time to meander though Sherry 's files , and read bits and pieces of her current projects . It looked like she was breaking out of the romance genre and into more - mainstream kinds of work . Rough drafts , Steph could see , because they were loaded with typos and factual errors . There was so much she wanted to know she hardly knew what to do next . The location of the house was one thing . She 'd placed it on a mountaintop in the Prescott , Arizona area that didn 't exist in the real world , so where did it land ? Even though she could look it up on a map online , she didn 't know the area well enough to visualize it . She looked at Sherry 's driver 's license , and at least she knew she was in the right town , anyway . There wasn 't much to see out the big window , just a bit of the backyard and the roof of the garage . A lot of rocks and trees . The real view was from up on the roof . Up there she 'd be able to see forty miles in three directions . She also wanted a better look at the house . Meanwhile though , she had to pretend to work , while avoiding the temptation to go in and edit Sherry 's stuff . With no idea if this was a permanent thing , she didn 't want to leave behind any weird surprises for Sherry to find . Even having the book in the computer was problematic . Well , she 'd think of something . She wondered if Sherry had awakened in her house , which was a disaster at the moment . Steph wondered what Sherry would make of the pile of unfolded laundry dumped on the couch , the dirty dishes and the sticky kitchen floor . This was going to be a cleaning day , and unlike Sherry , Steph did all those things herself . Not much she could do about any of that , and she needed to start acting more like Sherry . As in , Julian and Sherry were very physical , very demonstrative with each other . In one way , they were making up for over a year of being polite in public , which was the only place they ever saw each other for a long time . In another way , Sherry was letting Julian know he wasn 't alone . Losing his mother suddenly , from a stroke , had hit him hard , as it came at a time when he was right in the middle of changing almost everything in his life . Even though he was blessed with two sets of congenial parents , after his parents divorce when he was young , his mother was always his main sounding board and confidant . He missed being able to tell her how relieved he was at ending the constant round of public appearances , happy that Sherry and he were getting married in September , but maybe a little sad about leaving Seattle when his stepfather needed him . Jeff , his stepfather , had two daughters of his own that barely acknowledged his existence . They hadn 't even bothered to show up for his wife 's funeral , leaving Julian to handle everything on his own . Steph didn 't want to do anything to cause even the slightest ripple in Sherry 's pond , here . At the same time there was a moral issue , as she thought of Fred . There was no chance to overthink it , because there was a tap on the door , and Julian stuck his head in . Now he was wearing long pants and a polo shirt , having somehow sneaked upstairs to change without Steph hearing . " Busy ? " he asked . " Yeah . I won 't be home by lunchtime , probably . I 'm taking Blake down to Phoenix to get your car , and then after that I 'll do the gym thing . " Showtime . Steph got up and went around the desk , as Julian came all the way into the room . She knew he 'd be looking for a kiss goodbye . She went into his outstretched arms like she belonged there . Well , she did , kinda . This one 's for Sherry , she said to herself , and gave Mr . Perfect the kind of kiss she thought he was hoping for . When they came up for air , he said , " Whew ! Too bad we 've got company . Well , anyway , we 'll have the house to ourselves tonight . " His voice had the assurance of a man who knew his life was in order . He backed off a couple steps and smiled , though Steph detected a shadow of the grief in his heart . Randy was still in the other room which was to become Julian 's office , engrossed in his calculator and notepad . He looked up when Steph looked in and said , " This is going to be almost like the stuff you 've got , a little different . I 've got some birdseye maple I 'm going to use for surfaces . He said you 're going to be here all day ? " Then Randy was gone and she had the house to herself . Then she had an idea . She went back to the office , went online , and ordered some more - Sherry - like clothes , in Steph 's size , delivered to the Steph and Fred address . If the poor dear was stuck in Steph 's reality , at least she 'd have something decent to wear . One quarter of the basement had mirrored walls , a leftover from a former boyfriend who had exercise equipment in that corner . Now it was empty , and Steph turned an experimental cartwheel , just prove to herself she could do it . Yep , she could . Back upright , she looked around , and everything was just as she created it . The working bar , with sink and fridge - everything a bar needed was there , as was the home theater with recliners and couches to seat eight to ten people . Outside was deck number Two , with the hot tub . In the book , Sherry referred to the basement as the rumpus room - not family room , or rec room . She 'd said something on the order of , " I don 't have any family here , and rec room sounds like some sort of obligation to have fun , whether you like it or not . I 'd rather think about the prospect of a rumpus . " She could keep her people from all of the suffering brought about by a crazy woman with a camera . In the book , the discovery of nude photos of Sherry and Julian up on the rooftop deck , along with the mystery of the identity of the photographer came on a particularly slow news day . It would all begin several months after Julian 's sudden withdrawal from public life and the death of his mother , when his legions of fans were clamoring for a new book at least , and speculation was reaching a fever pitch as to his real reasons for disappearing . The media frenzy that followed would be fed by his stepsister 's opportunism , as they found themselves thrust into their fifteen minutes of fame , when Julian refused all interviews . Their veiled accusations would suggest Julian was guilty of exploitation of his clients to even worse things . They barely stopped short of accusing him of criminal activity , as they appeared on TV , radio , and guest blogged everywhere they could . Because the stepsisters were a medical doctor and women 's studies professor respectively , their claims had the air of validity , even though everything they said was pure invention . To say he didn 't get along with his stepsisters was a vast understatement . They 'd resented him even as a child , and when he became so successful , with ideas that were so diametrically opposed to their philosophies , their feelings blossomed into outright hatred . Steph remembered the line in the book that explained it all : " He called them the Wicked Stepsisters for a reason , and even their mother concurred . " She did some pretty productive thinking while cooking and eating , so she went into the kitchen to assemble her idea of a truly world - class salad . All the ingredients were in the fridge . The spinach , lettuce , shrimp , and real crab - not the fake stuff - were there , along with some Stilton cheese , imported from England . Ripe , perfect cherry tomatoes sat in a charming little basket on the counter . She had to restrain herself from making the salad too big . The last thing she needed right now was to fall asleep after eating too much . As it turned out , she didn 't need to think too long or too hard at all . The kitchen was open to the dining area and living room , and from where Steph stood at the counter , she had a view of the back yard . Because the kitchen was up on a higher level , somebody in the kitchen could look out without being seen . Steph was checking the bread box on the counter hoping for some French bread or maybe pumpernickel , when a movement outside caught her attention . It was her , the crazy lady . Sherry would 've recognized her , too , as they 'd spoken at Julian 's mother 's funeral . She was carrying a camera in one hand , with a big black bag slung over her shoulder , that could 've held a laptop computer or almost anything . In the book , the bag was eventually found in the back of a white van , abandoned in the parking lot at Yavapai Regional Medical Center . It contained Julian 's favorite coffee mug , one of his shirts , and some other things only a truly warped mind would consider valuable . All of these things were stolen from Sherry 's house . For a moment Steph was afraid to move , for fear of being detected . The crazy lady came up on the deck , and tried all the three sets of French doors that opened out on the deck . She put her face up against one of the many windows for a good look inside , and Steph stepped back against the stove . Steph knew she wouldn 't break a window to get in - that wasn 't in the book - but she wondered what on earth to do next . The crazy lady backed away , turned , and went down the deck 's few steps , presumably to try the rumpus room door . That one would be locked as well . Steph remembered locking it herself . The front door was a different matter . It was left open so Randy could come back if he liked . Steph took a quick look in the dishwasher , and sure enough , Julian 's mug , the white one that said " DOC " in big red letters was in there . So it hadn 't been stolen yet . She felt around on the top of the refrigerator . In this book , or maybe it was one of the others , the main character kept a . 357 revolver there . It was probably this one - Julian 's dad was a cop . To her relief , her fingers touched the metal of a gun barrel . She took it down from the fridge , verified that it was loaded , and waited . She picked up the phone from the counter , and as she heard the door open , called 911 as quietly as possible . The crazy lady walked right by the kitchen without even looking in . She was out of Steph 's view for a moment as she paused at the bottom of the stairs . Then she headed upstairs , and Steph emerged from the kitchen , waiting to see which room she 'd go into first . There was never anything in the book about Sherry 's relationship with guns , but Steph was a decent shot and had her own little 38 at home . The 357 wasn 't much different . Even though she knew she should probably stay on the line , she hung up on the 911 operator , and stuck the phone in the waistband of her slacks , in case she needed it later . She heard the crazy lady move from the master bedroom across the hall to Julian 's room , and the creak of the closet door . As quietly as she could , and blessing the agility of this body , she moved like a cat , in silence up the stairs . The woman had moved from the closet to the bathroom , and was looking through the drawers . The bag , with Julian 's shirt stuffed in it , was sitting on the bed , with the camera . Steph saw through the open door that she 'd inexplicably dumped the contents of the wastebasket into the sink . Looking for what ? Steph wondered . " You were burglarizing my house , is what you were doing , dear . That 's just not OK . Why don 't you come out of there and sit down over in that chair ? " Steph gestured with her head over to the opposite side of the room . She backed up to the open door , and waited while the woman complied , surprising Steph with her degree of calm . After the woman was seated , Steph picked up the camera , which she was glad to see was digital . Too bad she 'd need both hands to figure out how to check the pictures . She dropped it back on the bed , keeping the gun pointed at the women in the chair , who 'd begun to weep . " I know everything . You don 't think the great Julian Anderton would take up with a stupid woman , do you ? You think after that stunt you pulled at the funeral we wouldn 't keep track ? We were just giving you enough rope to hang yourself with , is all . " " Keep your hands where I can see them , please . What we 're doing now is waiting for the police to get here . The rest is up to them . " The phone rang , and Steph let it go without answering . " That 's probably them right now . " " Up here , " Steph called , backing out into the hallway . She put the safety back on the gun , and set it in the open dumbwaiter . There wasn 't anywhere Crazy Lady could go now . Steph 's explanation of events was plausible , although entirely fabricated . She 'd never seen the van , but since she knew where it probably was , and both Julian and the Seattle police department , if Mel Anderton hadn 't yet retired , could verify the woman 's unwanted presence at the funeral . She couldn 't remember what the deal was with stalking laws in Arizona , but they certainly had laws about burglary . If the media even bothered with this story , it would be short - lived and straightforward . By the time the police left , Steph 's salad wasn 't quite world - class anymore , as it was now at room temperature , but she was starving by that time , and it didn 't much matter . She just had time to eat , and straighten up the mess in Julian 's bathroom when Julian himself came back with Sherry 's car . Steph wished she could 've burst into tears and collapsed into Julian 's arms as Sherry would 've done , but she just couldn 't bring herself to do that . Instead , she told him what happened as she put her lunch things away and cleaned up the kitchen . There was not , at any time during the burglary , any moment when Steph was actually frightened , and she couldn 't pretend she was . Julian seemed more saddened by the news than anything else . " I guess I should call my dad , " he said . He reached into his pocket for his phone , and then hesitated . " I 'm going to go downstairs for a drink first . Want one ? " " I 'll get one in a minute , I want to finish up here first . " She didn 't tell him she didn 't know how to work the dishwasher . She needed a moment to stand there and stare at the display and figure it out . Now she was a tad worried . After all , everything from here on would be unscripted . The house was quiet ; she heard the rumpus room door open and close . A moment later , she saw Julian sitting on the top step of the deck outside the living room , glass in hand . She remembered that people with dishwashers mostly only ran them once a day ( she didn 't have one ) and gratefully put off the mysteries of the dishwasher until later . She didn 't feel like going down to the basement , so she rummaged in the fridge and came up with some apple juice and ginger ale , which made a pretty good fruit spritzer . She went to join Julian on the deck . He looked a little forlorn sitting there , leaning against the railing . When Steph sat down next to him , he said , looking down at his drink , " I 'm sorry I brought all this crap into your house . " She put an arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder . " Sweetie , it 's not your fault . You 're a high - profile guy , and stuff happens . You deal with troubled people , and some of them are going to be beyond your help , or anyone else 's . They probably taught you that in Shrink 101 . Nobody got hurt , nothing got broken or taken . It could 've been a lot worse . " He smiled , and put his drink down on the step . He reached over and squeezed her shoulder , and kissed her on the cheek . " You always know what to say , don 't you ? " " I figure we should practice what you preach . Anyway , some of that stuff you wrote about relationships I could 've written myself . You are more important to me than any of the nutcases of the world , and I 'm not going to let them get to me - or us . " She couldn 't help a little smile , which she hoped he couldn 't see . He probably didn 't , because his phone was ringing . " That 's Dad , " he said . " He wasn 't home before . " As he stood up to answer his phone , the house phone rang , so Steph went in to answer it . When Steph picked up the kitchen phone , she found Thelma , Julian 's stepmother on the other end . Thelma was mostly concerned about making sure everyone was OK , as she 'd talked to Julian earlier . It didn 't take much to reassure her . As a cop 's wife , she was well acquainted with the hazards sometimes presented by a husband 's occupation . Julian was still on the phone with his dad , pacing about in the backyard , when Steph hung up , so she went into her office to delete the book . This was Steph 's least favorite time of day . The light coming in through the windows was starting to get weak , and she herself always felt a little like she was running out of energy . At home she was glad she had dinner to think about , and to look forward to Fred coming home , and his talk of work , which he loved . His students were always up to something amazing or funny . She allowed herself a moment 's regret . Julian was wonderful - brilliant , loving , and all of that , but he was no Fred . Steph also suspected , even after just a day , that whatever spark existed between her fictional people was not there between herself and Julian . For right now , though , she 'd concentrate on keeping it together moment by moment . Figuring out what normal was supposed to be . They had a simple , but elegant meal , that could have been slop out of a box with a side order of freeze - dried cat food for all Julian noticed . The man was exhausted , and troubled . Steph followed her own instincts and left him alone . After dinner , he disappeared into his office to check his e - mail , and Steph went downstairs , to take a better look through Sherry 's pile of DVDs , and see what was on the satellite dish . Her hand , flailing in her sleep , grazed the stack of books on the nightstand , knocking them to the floor . The noise woke her up . She struggled to sit up in the wobbly bed , and her back ached as if she 'd been hauling bricks or something . Fred was having his morning coffee , watching the news on TV in the living room . The laundry was gone , and when she went into the kitchen , she found everything had been cleaned up in there too . " Feeling any better today ? " Fred called after her . Compared to what ? She smiled to herself . " Guess I 'll live , " she said . She poured herself a coffee and joined Fred in the living room . " Yesterday you seemed a little out of it . I thought maybe you were coming down with something . " " Ah , I see . " He looked at his watch . " Better head in . We both overslept today . " He went to the kitchen to put his cup in the sink , and Steph followed , giving him a big hug and a kiss . Things were back to normal , for Fred at least . " Hey , why don 't I bring home a pizza or something for dinner ? Then you can get your book stuff sorted out , you think ? " " Sounds good to me ! " She was happy to be home . She was well into wading through an extra day 's worth of unanswered e - mail when she heard a horn outside . She went to the front of the house , and there was a FedEx truck . This was nothing unusual in itself . Living where they did , she and Fred often ordered things online and forgot to mention it . |
Molly pulled the hard plastic visitor 's chair a little closer to the bed and took her father 's hand between both of her own . The doctor had said it would come any time now . And Dad hadn 't opened his eyes or spoken for so long that , were it not for the slow rise and fall of his chest - too slow , and too seldom - she 'd have thought he 'd already gone . But then he opened his eyes . Glazed with pain and medication , they moved back and forth until they found her face . " I 'm here , Dad , " she said , forcing the words past the lump in her throat . " Molly , " he whispered , trying to smile . It looked more like a grimace . " Honey , I … " His brother ? Molly was stunned . She knew about his brother , of course . She 'd seen photos of them as boys in the family album . But any time she 'd ever asked about him , she 'd met with that hard , implacable insistence of her father 's that they did not and would not discuss his brother . Ever . She didn 't even know his name . " What about him ? " " Everything . " Matthew 's eyes started to droop , but he forced them open again and fastened them upon his daughter 's face . " My fault . Our … quarrel . Tell him . I love him . Promise . " What if he 's dead ? Matthew and his brother had not spoken in years , since before Molly was born . She was quite sure her father had no idea where to begin looking for his brother by now . But she didn 't say it . She merely squeezed her father 's hand . " I 'll tell him . " Molly trudged home alone . Really alone . Unless she could find Dad 's brother - and provided that brother would have anything to do with her - she had no living relatives left . She was an only child . Her mother 's sister was long dead in a car crash with her two children . And Mom had been gone almost five years now . It was a week before she could bring herself to start going through Dad 's papers and clearing up the details left behind when a man dies . His home , his bank accounts , what little insurance hadn 't been eaten up by the cancer , all went to her . Bleakly she went through the motions , signed papers , made phone calls , did what had to be done . Finally one Sunday afternoon , she started working her way through the family Bible and the boxes of records that might help her find her uncle . If he still lived . Her mother , thank heaven , had kept all kinds of things . Once Molly started going through the attic and the dressers and the boxes of old photos , she found extensive scrapbooks , her old school projects , even her first tooth , all preserved . It was a hodgepodge . Mom hadn 't been organized . Dad had apparently just shoved most of it into Molly 's old bedroom , which had become a catch - all after Mom 's death . Late in the evening , Molly found some photos she 'd never seen . Dad and a man who looked so much like him it had to be the mysterious brother . Her uncle , in cap and gown , was clutching a diploma cover with something written on it , but even with a magnifying glass , she couldn 't read what it said . The photo was old and faded , but by the style of clothes Dad was wearing , it was some time around World War II . Nothing was written on the back of the photo . The brother was older than Dad by a few years . Molly didn 't know exactly how many . But guessing by the photo , this was a college graduation , not high school . Her uncle had a full beard . Then she remembered . Her father had said something about a doctor when he told her to look for this man . Could her uncle have become a doctor ? That would explain why he looked so grown up . Maybe this was his medical school graduation and not college ? And then , at last , she 'd found something tangible . A letter . I understand your feelings and your wish not to be taken down in the same storm that has ruined me . I even understand why you are angry that I persist in what you consider a foolish course of action . I don 't understand how you can completely cut me out of your life . Can we not continue to have some contact , if only the occasional card or letter ? Please don 't do this to me . You 're the only family I have left . I am no longer employed at Chittenden , as you undoubtedly know . If you want to reach me , and I pray you do , for now I am still at my apartment in Manhattan . How long I shall be able to keep it , I don 't know . And no , Matt , I don 't want any money or help from you . Only your love and if I can 't have that , your friendship . At least now she had a name . Jacob . And if he had become a doctor , perhaps he was listed in phone records or with the American Medical Association . She had to find him . She 'd promised Dad . Catherine gratefully dumped her armload of medical supplies onto Father 's large study table and pushed back the lock of hair that insisted on falling in her eye . Behind her , Jamie , Samantha and Kipper followed suit . Most of the Tunnel dwellers were in bed in various stages of flu and recovery from flu , and Father , Mary and anyone else who remained well - or well enough - were run ragged taking care of them . No one was in serious danger , except baby Nathaniel , whom Peter had had to hospitalize , but with almost everyone sick , the Tunnels had been in chaos . Jamie sank into a chair and coughed into her sleeve . She waved away the immediate concern she saw on Catherine 's face . " I 'm not getting sick , " she said . " Dust . That 's all . I 'm fine . " " Not at all . " Sighing inwardly , Catherine loaded herself up again and followed Father . Even Vincent had succumbed this time and no one remembered Vincent ever getting flu before . Thankfully , considering it hadn 't been that long since his breakdown and battle with the Other , his case was a mild one and he was already chafing at Father 's insistence that he remain in bed another day . Mouse was almost well , too , and had been moved into Vincent 's chamber temporarily , both to keep him handy for Father and to keep Vincent put . It was at least an hour before Catherine could extricate herself from her job helping Father , but when she could , she stuck her head into Vincent 's chamber to see how the patients were doing . Mouse was out cold and snoring , which made her giggle , but Vincent gave her a baleful glance . " I could be helping , also . " " No , you couldn 't , " Catherine countered , coming in further . Father had said he thought both of them were past being contagious . " You stay right where you are . Father says . Besides , " she added with a mischievous grin , " someone has to keep Mouse company . " Vincent opened his mouth to protest , but her dancing eyes forced a chuckle instead . " Perhaps , " he conceded . " How is everyone ? How 's Nathaniel ? " " Peter 's going to release him tomorrow , " Catherine said . " He 's still feeling terrible , poor kid , but he 's out of danger . Peter and Father will both feel better when he 's at home , where they can keep an eye on him themselves . Do you want me to read to you ? " " Yes , " she said firmly . " Not a single symptom . Though how I 'm going to explain to Joe that I 'm the picture of health when I 've supposedly been down with the flu for a week is something I have yet to figure out . " " And I can do the rest with artful makeup , " she said , that mischievous look coming back into her eyes . " You 'd be amazed how well that works . Joe might even send me right back home again when I come in tomorrow . " " And love doing it , " she came back . " Don 't start with that . You know I 'd rather be here than anywhere . Now , " she squeezed his hand and popped back up from her temporary seat on the side of his bed , " I 'd better get back to work . Father will wonder where I 've been . " " No , he 'll know , " Vincent said , allowing himself a brief touch of her hair before releasing her . " Later , " she said softly , with a glance toward the still - sleeping Mouse , and another kiss to his forehead . " When you 're stronger . " Vincent fought back the sudden rush of blood her veiled promise caused and drew a deep breath . She grinned , knowing full well her effect on him now that he was no longer afraid to show his desire for her , and left the room . Molly sighed and rubbed her tired eyes . She was no stranger to research , but she 'd been through every listing for every doctor in the New York phone book and in the ones for every town , city , hamlet and burg immediately surrounding the city . No Jacob Wells anywhere . What if he 'd changed his name ? She didn 't know what he 'd done to make her father disown him , but it was apparently awful enough he 'd lost his job and vanished from the face of the earth . There 'd been no date on the letter she 'd found , and no envelope with a postmark . Just the letter itself , buried among the old photographs . She 'd also looked for " Chittenden " in the New York phone book and found nothing . Whatever it had been , a hospital , a clinic , she didn 't know , but it seemed no longer to exist . The New York City Public Library had old telephone directories , but she doubted they 'd go back as far as the 1950s . She asked anyway , and the oldest was 1960 . She looked in it , and finally found Chittenden . It was a medical research center . So , her uncle had been a researcher instead of a family doctor , as she 'd assumed ? She started looking for him among the listings in this phone book and he wasn 't there . Of course , the " quarrel " between her father and uncle had taken place before her own birth in 1956 , therefore if Jacob had left the city afterward , he wouldn 't be in a 1960 phone book . Father sank wearily into a chair and accepted the tea Rebecca handed to him . " You look exhausted , " Vincent remarked . " I am . " Father sipped the tea and laid his head against the back of the chair . " How are you ? " " Father , I 'm fine . I 've been fine for several days now . I wish you 'd let me take over so you could get some sleep . " Father shook his head . " No . You 're not well enough to risk reinfection . And I am not about to watch you get sick again . Your metabolism is too - " " Strange ? " Vincent chuckled , which made Father look up in surprise . Vincent 's differentness had always been a delicate point , which Father would not have mentioned but for his exhaustion making his mind work more sluggishly than usual . It was startling to have Vincent not only discuss it , but laugh about it . Vincent patted Father 's hand . " Do not tiptoe around me , Father , " he said . " You 're too tired , and I am no longer as sensitive as I once was . " " It is … a long story , " Vincent said , unwilling as yet to tell Father the secret that he and Catherine were now lovers and the change it had wrought in his heart . " Later , when you 're rested , we 'll discuss it . For now , simply know it 's true . I realize I present a challenge , medically speaking , and you have had more worry these last weeks than you ought . Now , let me get you a tray from William . You are going to rest and eat , and I will do your rounds . " He raised a hand when Father opened his mouth to protest . " Masked , if you insist . But I will do them . " " My stubborn son , " Father said , giving a weak chuckle of his own . " I do insist . Masked . But other than that , I confess a rest and a meal would be most welcome . " " It is settled , then . " Vincent vanished and presently reappeared with a loaded tray . He set it in front of his father and very deliberately produced a surgical mask , which he tied around his face . " All right ? " Father nodded and tried to suppress his smile at the sight of Vincent in a surgical mask . " No doubt I am an amusing sight , " Vincent remarked , and even through the mask , Father could tell he was smiling . " Perhaps our patients will find enjoyment in poking fun at me , and they do say laughter is the best medicine . " He couldn 't kiss Father with the mask on , so he merely squeezed his shoulder and went on his way . Molly stared at the news article on the microfilm reader in front of her . Jacob Wells had been investigated by the House Un - American Activities Committee for his insistence that nuclear fallout was dangerous . He had even insisted that the United States should give up nuclear testing altogether and he had continued to insist this no matter what it cost him . It seems that it had cost him his whole career and his relationship with his brother . Matthew Wells had been a lawyer , with a thriving corporate practice . She could imagine how a brother in that kind of public trouble would have affected his own career . While she was disappointed in Dad 's unwillingness to stand by his brother , she understood it , too , in a way . That had been a frightening time . Being blacklisted was a very real threat and no one realized , then , that eventually it would all blow over . Dad might well have thought he had no other choice , not if he were to save his own career and livelihood . But what had happened to Jacob Wells since then ? Eventually it occurred to her to look through the vital records in the courthouse . The number of them was daunting , to say the least , but after several days she came upon a marriage license for Jacob Wells and Margaret Chase . She checked the date and their ages and concluded it was most likely her uncle and not another Jacob Wells - Jacob wasn 't a common name in the 1950s , though it had come back into fashion now . She did not find a death certificate for Jacob Wells , though she was more than a little dismayed to find one for Margaret Chase . Hers was very recent , only a couple of years ago , and apparently she had not still been married to Uncle Jacob at the time . So , there had been a divorce . That led her on another search and this one took even longer before she discovered an annulment . " Damn , " Molly said aloud , drawing a look from the records room clerk . She gave him a smile and he smiled back . The annulment had been soon after the marriage , so clearly something had gone dreadfully wrong . Of course . The dates . Margaret had been very young and the annulment took place during the time closely following the House hearings . It didn 't take a detective to figure out her family objected to Jacob and his notoriety . There were no other records on Jacob . If he had married again , it wasn 't in New York . The last mention of him she could find in the news was in 1951 . Thirty - eight years . Where had Jacob been for thirty - eight years ? Vincent had guessed correctly . Nearly all of Father 's patients found it impossible to keep straight faces when he arrived at their bedsides in his surgical mask , and he made certain they knew it was all right if they laughed at him . He had come to realize in the last few months , thanks to Catherine and all that had occurred between them , that while his family here Below loved him dearly , they were also too formal with him . He didn 't know why he 'd never noticed it before , but now he was determined to change it . He wanted them to be as relaxed and casual with him as they were with each other . To hasten the process , he not only joked about the mask with the patients , he rolled up his sleeves , exposing his forearms , as he examined them and handed out the aspirin and cough syrup and took temperatures . There were so many patients , even now , that it was nearing supper time by the time he finished . All were improving , however , and would soon be up and around again . Many already were . He knew Catherine was coming long before the message on the pipes . He paused in his duties long enough to tap a reply and tell her where he was . He had just reached Kanin 's chamber when she caught up to him , and her surprised burst of laughter when she caught sight of the mask gave him the excuse he needed to join in . Which , of course , gave Kanin permission to laugh as well . " Oh , I washed off the ' sick ' look before I came down , " she said , taking his basket away from him and smiling at Kanin . " You look better . Feel better , too ? " " I 'll bet . I know somebody else who could agree with you , " she said , giving that person a saucy grin . " So , what can I do to help , Vincent ? " " I 'm almost finished , " he said . " You might go and tell Father that my own health remains good and that all his patients are improving . If someone doesn 't , he will undoubtedly come limping down the tunnel to see for himself , and I want him to rest . " " Did I miss something ? I mean , " he faltered a bit , " um , you seem , well , different . In fact , both of you do . " " I am different , " Vincent said . " And content to be so , perhaps for the first time in all my life . That is what you sense , my friend . " With a pat on Kanin 's shoulder , he left . One more stop and he could join Catherine in Father 's study . Eric , in the dormitory , had been terrified while he was sick - he had never completely gotten over Ellie 's death from the plague and thought he had it , too , in spite of Father 's , Peter 's and Mary 's many assurances that he simply had a flu bug , nothing to worry about . Vincent kept the mask on only long enough to surprise a grin out of the child , then took it off and performed his care of Eric without it , in spite of Father 's admonitions . He wanted Eric to see his expression . And he thought , by the time he left , that Eric was somewhat cheered . When he entered Father 's chamber , Catherine put a warning finger to her lips to keep him from speaking . Father had dozed off in his chair , head resting on his hand . Vincent smiled , and very gently lifted him , carrying him to his bed so carefully that Father did not awaken . He covered him and came back , offering an arm to Catherine silently , which she accepted , so he could escort her to the dining hall for supper . Counting backward from Jacob 's age in the 1951 news article , Molly concluded he probably graduated from med school around 1945 . Because she worked there , she started with New York University , and hit gold the first time for a change . She told the registrar she was trying to trace a relative . When the woman gave her the graduation list from that year , there he was . " May I have a copy of this ? I 'd like to see if any of his classmates know where I could find him . " " Of course , Dr . Wells . " The woman took the list to another room and came back with a photocopy for her . Molly thanked her and tucked it into the folder that was getting increasingly thick , but had yet to yield any concrete information . At home that evening , Molly started with the first name on the list and started comparing it to the New York phone directory . Surely at least some of these men - and they were all men - were still practicing medicine . David Abbott . He was listed . An internist . " I think so . Everyone understands how hard he 's been working , " Vincent said . " However , I hope no one needs him - or me - tonight . " Catherine smiled and let go of his hand so she could put her arm around his waist instead . He pulled her closer and paused to drop a kiss on her hair . " Kanin noticed , " he said , after a moment 's silence . They reached the Mirror Pool and Vincent retrieved the blanket he had stashed in a convenient crevice . He spread it out and Catherine curled up on it , patting the empty place beside her invitingly . He sat next to her and pulled her close . She lifted her face for a kiss and Vincent lowered his head to hers , teasing her lower lip with his tongue and drawing a deep , sighing breath as their bodies entwined . After his crisis several months before , when he 'd been driven to concealing himself in the Catacombs to spare his friends and family from his battle with the Other , something had changed . Once Catherine approached him without fear while he was in that state , loved and accepted him , all of him , in spite of it , he had found a new peace . It wasn 't instantaneous . For several weeks , the bond had been lost and Vincent 's memory had been spotty . He had even , briefly , forgotten Catherine 's name . He had forgotten many things . Little by little , however , his memory had come back , but he no longer felt torn in two . There was no " Other " anymore . There was only Vincent . Catherine 's acceptance of him had caused his acceptance of himself . He only wished it hadn 't taken so long . And finally , they had made love . Perhaps , as Catherine believed , his consciousness of his difference and his shame at the desire he refused to face had created the crisis . The reporter who had stalked him had been the catalyst that brought it all to a head , but that had not been the sole reason . Her love had brought him back . Her love continued to sustain him . Their time together was still limited , measured in moments , but both had come to accept that it was the way things must be . Both had learned to cherish and celebrate those moments and be content . Catherine pulled his sweater up so she could slide her hands beneath it and gave a happy sigh . " Do we dare ? " " I can no longer wait , " he whispered into her hair . " You have spoiled me for resistance . Even while I was ill , I dreamed of the moment I would hold you again . " He chuckled . " I don 't think anyone will come looking , Catherine . Everyone is very tired and even those who are well will welcome a quiet evening to rest . " Afterward , lying entangled in each other 's arms , Catherine was dozing and almost asleep when Vincent heard a telltale tapping on the pipes . His name . He muttered a word that made Catherine burst into laughter , and she heard the rumble of his own chuckle a moment later . " No , " he admitted , sitting up with a sigh and reaching for his shirt . " Truthfully , I learned it from Devin when we were boys . I just never … used it . " " The tried and true . He had his mouth washed out with soap . Mary did the honors , as I recall . " Vincent finished dressing and paused before putting on his cloak . Vincent considered . While he was thinking about it , Catherine appeared , looking as fresh as if she 'd never been naked and moaning only a short time ago . Vincent arrested that thought even as it formed because it was not conducive to clear thinking . He told her the message . " I 'll go home and call him , " she offered . When she saw the look that brought to Vincent 's face , she squeezed his arm . " Then I 'll come back . " He accompanied her to the basement threshold and settled in to wait . Catherine hurried to her apartment and dialed Peter at home . He answered on the first ring . Clearly " important " was " urgent " after all . " Nothing wrong , exactly , " Peter said . " I got an odd phone call this afternoon . I wanted to discuss it with Jacob . He isn 't ill now , too ? " Peter hesitated , and finally said , " I don 't think it would be breaking a confidence . A young woman called me . She said her name is Molly Wells and her father was Matthew . She said she thought Jacob is her uncle and asked me if I remembered him from med school . " Catherine was stunned . Father had a brother ? He 'd never mentioned a brother - but then , he 'd never mentioned Margaret or Grace or that he was Devin 's real father until he 'd been forced into it , either . " What did you say ? " " I said no . I said I hadn 't seen him for many years , " Peter said with a sigh . " The thing is , Cathy , that she told me Matthew had died and his last request was that she give Jacob his love and apologize for their quarrel all those years ago . They 've apparently been estranged since Jacob 's hearing with the House committee . " " Well , yes . As a matter of fact , I remember when we were residents that Jacob mentioned his brother was graduating from law school and he took a day off to attend the graduation . I 'd forgotten all about that until Molly called me . " " Don 't blame him , Cathy , " Peter said . " He 's had good reason , apparently . Will you tell him about Molly ? Or would you rather I came down tomorrow and took care of it myself ? " Molly put down the phone and rubbed her tingling ear . She 'd called at least 30 doctors in the greater New York City area who were on the graduating list with Jacob Wells and though all of them said they remembered the quiet , learned man from school , not one knew where to find him now . A dozen more remained , but doctors didn 't answer their own phones and she had spent weeks trying to get through to the ones she 'd already spoken to . A few had said they would ask around and had taken her number , but she was losing hope that anything would come of that , either . She was beginning to think she would never find him and that he must be dead . With no idea where he 'd gone or what had happened to him after he 'd seemingly vanished , he could be anywhere . There was no reason to think he had remained in New York City or even in the state . With his career in a shambles and his only brother estranged , he might have moved somewhere else , somewhere far away , and finding him would be impossible . She couldn 't bear it now if she failed . Not only had she made a promise to her father - and keeping her word was important to her - but the knowledge that Jacob Wells had watched his life crumble around him for the sake of standing up for what he believed made her proud to be his niece . She wanted to know this man . She felt cheated that she hadn 't had his influence in her life because her father was stubborn and unforgiving . It was time to lay that all to rest . Father stared at Peter in dismay and couldn 't find words when he heard about Molly Wells . He had gone so pale that Peter pushed him into a chair and signaled Vincent to get him some water . " Jacob ? Are you all right ? " Father passed a hand over his face and blankly accepted the tumbler Vincent held out to him . " My God , " he said at last . " Matthew . After all this time . And he 's dead ? " " My God , " Father repeated . He sat like a statue , holding the water without drinking it . " I never knew Molly , " he said after several more minutes had passed . " Matthew was newly married when we … parted and she had not been born . " " She didn 't know about you , either , " Peter said , sitting down beside him and putting a hand on his shoulder . " She said she saw photos of you and Matthew as boys , in the family album , but that Matthew wouldn 't talk about you . She only found your name by accident in an old letter . " " What if she wants to visit me ? What if she wants to know where I 've been ? " Father shook his head firmly . " I cannot . Too many secrets are at risk . " " What about Devin ? " Catherine said . All three men looked at her . She flushed . " Devin 's her relative , too . He could , well , stand in . " When they continued to look at her , she added , " He 's in Connecticut . I have a phone number . I could call him and ask him to come down and he could meet her and she could tell him her story and , " she paused and then said , feeling a little silly , " Devin 's good at spotting a tall tale . " " I don 't think it 's a tall tale , " Father said . " I think she 's telling the truth . Molly was our grandmother 's name . Our father often said he wished he 'd also had a daughter , so he could name her Molly . It 's entirely understandable that Matthew would name his own daughter Molly . " " Yes , " Father said . " She died in the flu epidemic , and Dad always revered her memory . " He shook his head . " Thank heaven flu is no longer such a terrible threat . I shudder to think how many we might have lost this month if it were . " Catherine was somewhat startled to hear Father use a slangy term like " Dad , " but he was deep in memories now , and no one except Vincent was inclined to question him . And it was Vincent who brought the topic back to Devin . " What do you think of Catherine 's idea , then ? Having Devin meet with her ? He has a home and a life Above and it would not risk our secret . " Father glanced at him but didn 't answer right away . He kept his eyes on the water tumbler , turning it slowly around and around and finally he said , " I think I would like to meet her myself . After I have become used to the idea . " He raised his eyes to Peter . " What did you say to her about finding me ? " " Not about my family , " he said . " But the pain runs quite deep , and speaking of my brother is particularly painful . We were very close , once . " Father nodded . " And the notoriety . He was a young lawyer , trying to make his way in the world . Our parents were gone by then . I helped him pay for law school , and he had some scholarships and the GI Bill , and he worked wherever he could find a job . Once he passed the bar and began to practice , it was difficult for him to be associated with me . It was all very public , you know . You saw the local news coverage and it was also on the radio and in newsreels . He asked me to back down but I was stubborn and idealistic and refused . Eventually we had a quarrel - a very serious quarrel - and I never spoke to him again after that . I wrote to him . That must be the letter Molly found . He didn 't answer . " Father sighed . " Perhaps . Not long after that letter , I lost my apartment in Manhattan . I could no longer afford it . And it wasn 't long after that that I came Below . He couldn 't have reached me then , even if he had wanted to . " Molly had just stepped out of the shower after an especially trying day at work when she heard the phone . She ran to it , still dripping . " Hello ? " " Did you find him ? " Her heart began beating like a trip hammer . " Yes , I did . Would it be convenient for you to come to my office on Friday evening ? He would like to meet with you there . " And she didn 't have the slightest idea how to dress for this meeting . Would jeans be too casual ? A dress too dressy ? She finally settled for an outfit she would have worn to work at the university and did her hair up . Dad had always liked her hair up . She stood in the hallway outside Peter Alcott 's office for a good 10 minutes , trying to calm her nerves , before tapping on the door . It was opened a moment later by a woman her own age , with golden - brown hair swept to one side and a warm smile . " Hi , " she said . " I 'm Catherine Chandler , an old friend of Peter 's . Come in . " She led Molly to Peter 's private office , where two men , one with white hair , the other with graying hair and a beard , were waiting . Molly recognized her uncle instantly . He looked so much like her father , and except for the graying hair , had not changed much from the graduation photo she had found among her father 's things . " You did ? " Molly was surprised . Catherine , for some reason , was looking at Peter accusingly , and he caught the look and gave an embarrassed shrug . " It was a long time ago , " he said to her , and she rolled her eyes . Molly talked about her father for what felt like hours , with Jacob asking so many questions that she didn 't have a chance to ask any of her own . Finally , she began to grow hoarse and Catherine brought her a soda from the refrigerator in the break room . " Tell me about your life , " Molly said , finally finding an opportunity . Jacob dropped his eyes . He and Peter , with some help from Catherine , had concocted a tale , but after listening to Molly all evening and seeing how much she was like his brother , he didn 't have the heart to lie to her . Yet , he couldn 't tell her the whole truth , either . Not yet . Not until he had learned more about her , and taken his request to the Council . " I have two sons , " he said at last . " I 'm … retired . I no longer live in the city and I 've tried to forget those dark days of the witch hunts . " " I don 't blame you , " Molly said . She sensed there was far more but she could also see that he didn 't want to talk about it . And really , they were little more than strangers still . " Will I be able to meet your sons someday ? " Catherine had been prepared for this - she and Father had agreed - and she spoke up . " Devin lives in Connecticut , " she told Molly . " He couldn 't get away to be here tonight , but he said he would call the next time he 's in town and that he 'd love to meet you . " " He will , thank you , " Father said . That should hold her off asking about Vincent for a while , at least , Catherine thought . Time enough to figure out what to do about Vincent once Father had made up his mind about Molly 's trustworthiness . Molly had brought copies of several photographs , which she gave to Jacob . Most were of her dad , but several also included her and her mother - on vacations , around their home . " You can show those to Devin and - " she paused expectantly . " And Vincent , so they can see what we all look like . " Molly was suddenly worried about her other cousin . Why did Dr . Alcott and Uncle Jacob appear so uncomfortable when Vincent was mentioned ? Was he more seriously ill than they had told her ? What kind of an illness was it , anyway ? Molly relaxed . She knew people like that , people who complained about the incessant noise of modern times and decided to keep their own homes free of that clutter . A couple of the professors at the university were so against " modern conveniences " that they were practically Amish . Professor Connor even insisted he preferred the company of Dickens to that of anyone else . She pulled out one of her cards and turned it over to scribble her home number and address on the back . " You can reach me in my office at New York University or at home , " she said . " You teach literature ? " Jacob said wonderingly after he examined the card . " Yes , " she said . " Specializing in British literature of the Romantic period , in fact . Though in the summers I sometimes give a course in current popular novels . " Lowering her voice as if sharing a shameful secret , she said , " Sci fi . I 'm a closet addict . " Catherine burst into laughter , and Jacob and Peter both chuckled . Molly grinned , certain that had broken the ice , and decided that this would be a good time to end the meeting for now . " I hope you 'll call me soon . " " As soon as I can , " Jacob said . " Thank you for telling me about Matthew . " She smiled , and made her way out . " I think she 's terrific , " Catherine said to Vincent later that evening , as they sat in his chamber listening to a Bach concerto on a battery - powered tape player Catherine had brought with her . " Very sweet and friendly , and she seemed to know without being told that Father didn 't want to talk about himself too much . She didn 't press , but she wanted to ask a million questions . " " Not really . He said you were getting over a long illness and couldn 't travel and I told her Devin wanted to meet her but couldn 't be there tonight . And Father said he didn 't live in the city any longer without going into details , but if she was paying attention , she 'd have figured out that it hasn 't been years and years since Father and Peter saw each other . They were too comfortable together for that . " Vincent laughed . " Just as it should be on an Irish lass . Catherine , " he leaned toward her a bit , " don 't worry . If Molly is as ' terrific ' as you say she is , she will be able to accept me , as the rest of my family here has . " " Yes , look at me now , hopelessly in love with you and not the least bit afraid of you , " she said , snuggling up and resting her head against his chest . " You weren 't afraid , " Vincent said . " Only startled , and you had been through too much . " He chuckled . " And you were quite ready to defend yourself . " " I 've never forgiven myself for throwing that reflector at you , " she said . " I 've forgiven you , " he said . " I forgave you before you 'd done it . I was already hopelessly in love with you . " " Getting there is half the fun , " he returned , borrowing a phrase she had used on him when they first became lovers . Eyes twinkling , he scooped her up and laid her on the bed in one movement , so that he loomed over her . For so long he had kept his strength and size leashed and was almost ashamed of them , unless they served to protect Catherine . Now he knew she delighted in the very qualities he was once ashamed of , and he in turn delighted in using them to please or amuse her . He smoothed her hair back and kissed her with an urgency she immediately recognized and returned , but both froze at the sound of Father 's voice in the corridor . Vincent muttered that word again , the one that made Catherine go off into gales of laughter that she tried to smother in a fold of his shirt . Unsuccessfully . They both sat up and tried to look proper and respectable , and Vincent gave Father permission to come in . One look at them and Father realized the entire situation at a glance . He had suspected for some time and their guilty faces gave him all the confirmation he needed . He flushed uncomfortably . " Perhaps this is a bad time ? " Father stayed in the doorway . His eyes went from Vincent 's face to Catherine 's and his flush deepened . " I merely wanted to ask if Catherine would , well , snoop around a bit and see what you can find out about Molly . I 'm inclined to ask the Council if I can bring her Below for a visit eventually . " " Well , then . " Father shifted his weight . " Thank you , my dear . I 'll , uh , be going now . Good night . " " Talk about beating a hasty retreat , " Catherine whispered when he 'd gone . " I think you 're right . " She put her head on his shoulder . " I 'm just a little sorry it won 't be our secret anymore , though . " " I even found her birth certificate and her father is indeed Matthew Wells and her mother was Theresa McCarthy and she was educated in Catholic schools and graduated with honors . No criminal record . No parking tickets . No divorces . " " Nobody could accuse you of not being thorough , Counselor , " Devin said . " Have you told Father yet ? " " I just finished yesterday and I haven 't been Below since then , " she said . " I had to be in court at the crack of dawn today for a hearing . You can tell him when you go . " " I 'm not going anywhere until I 've met your paragon , " Devin said . " Give me her number . I 'll call her myself and give her a good going over before I go face the old man . " " Only a few , " Devin said with a grin . " We got along famously , Father , really we did , and Vincent , you 're going to love her . She 's read more books than you have , and written some , too , hasn 't she , Cathy ? " Catherine nodded , her mouth too full to speak . She 'd bought copies of Molly 's two novels for Vincent , and was more than a little amused to note that both were science fiction , the genre she 'd told Father was her " addiction . " She was even more amused because she knew Vincent had read more than a few science fiction novels as a boy himself . " She seems like a perfectly normal person with no agenda that I can detect , " Devin said . " And Cathy checked her out and she seems to be okay on that front , except for the dog , " he gave Catherine a grin . " What 's wrong with her dog ? " Vincent asked innocently . " Anyway , as far as I can tell , and I 'm maybe not the best judge , but she seems trustworthy to me , Father , " Devin said . " She was awfully curious about Vincent . What did you tell her was wrong with him , anyway ? " " I said I hadn 't been home for a while , but as far as I knew you weren 't in any danger and would be up and around in no time . " Devin shrugged . " Maybe we ought to punt to Catherine . She 's probably better at this sort of thing than I am . " " Perhaps it 's time to discuss this with the Council , " Father said . " I shall bring it to the next meeting . In the meanwhile , I should send Molly a message so she doesn 't think I 'm ignoring her . Catherine , would you see to it ? " " Arrange a meeting with her . And I 'll think of something to tell her about Vincent . " He glanced at his son . " We 'll think of something . " This time , the meeting was held in Catherine 's apartment and she fixed a simple meal of steak and salad for the three of them to share . Molly arrived a few minutes late , breathless and apologizing . A failing student had kept her in her office past her usual time , begging for a way to bring up her grade so she wouldn 't lose her scholarship . " She 's hopeless at literary criticism , " Molly said to Father . " Her thought processes are too concrete . She can 't extrapolate at all , or analyze a text . Too literal . Way too literal . Ask her about Hamlet 's motivations and she 'll look at you as if you 'd just spoken Aramaic . " " She 's actually studying to be a math teacher , " Molly said . " But English lit is required and if she can 't get through the class somehow , she 's in trouble . I don 't know what to tell her . I assigned her a different book - ' Work , ' by Louisa May Alcott , do you know it ? " Molly nodded . " And sort of obscure , as her books go . But at least there 's very little that isn 't painfully obvious in that book , so I hope she can produce some sort of coherent paper on it and I can pass the poor girl . " She smiled at Father . " I 'm sorry . Don 't ever get me started on my students . I could rattle on for hours and put a tree to sleep when I get going on them . How have you been ? How 's Vincent ? " " He 's much better , " Father said . " If he continues to improve , we 'll be able to introduce the two of you soon . He did send you this . " Father reached into his vest pocket and produced a note that Vincent had written to Molly . She opened it . Dear Molly , My brother told me of your meeting with him and how much he likes you . I look forward to meeting you myself as soon as I am able , and I am grateful to hear that you are concerned about my health . I assure you I am in no danger and will be able to see you soon . I was especially interested to hear that you teach literature courses . I am a voracious reader myself and will enjoy discussing the great works with you when at last we meet . Take care and know that you are in my thoughts . " How sweet of him , " she said . " Tell him I 'd love to discuss literature with him . " She glanced Catherine 's way . " Do you know Vincent ? " " Really ? " Molly was delighted . " How wonderful . Then you 'll be family , too ! And I thought I was all alone when Dad died . " " And we both inherited that trait from our father , " Father said with a quiet chuckle . " I think the note did the trick , " Catherine said to Vincent later . " And Father , " she paused and shook her head . Vincent put his arm around her and pulled her closer . " Of course he 's pleased . He loves you . And he really only ever wanted my happiness . You know his history now - he expected you to be , well … " Vincent chuckled . " Something like that . He knows you now and accepted you long ago . Parents never quite realize their children have grown up until confronted with irrefutable evidence , you know . " Vincent was familiar with the story of Edie 's first reaction to Catherine . " You 've shed more than a few tears ' for humanity . ' " Returning to Molly , he said , " Do you think Father still wants to bring her Below ? " Catherine nodded . " And I think she 's trustworthy . She wants so badly to have people to belong to . I gather she and her dad were very close . She isn 't married and doesn 't seem to have anyone in her life and without him , she feels quite alone . " Catherine left a message at Molly 's office to call her , and arranged a meeting with her and Father . Devin agreed to be there , too . Again they met at Catherine 's apartment , partly because the basement threshold was convenient should they all conclude it was a good time to take Molly Below , and partly because they could be certain of privacy . Molly arrived first dressed , as Catherine had told her , in " comfortable clothes suitable for a long walk . " She had been intrigued by the request and had started to ask questions , but Catherine had told her it would be better to wait until they were all together . Molly was in jeans and T - shirt , and looked more like one of her own students than a responsible college professor . Catherine greeted her with a hug . " I 've made some cookies , " she said . " Fath … Jacob loves cookies and doesn 't often get any . " " Why is it I get the impression you 're used to calling Uncle Jacob ' Father ' ? " Catherine was glad her back was to Molly at the moment , as she fetched the plate of cookies from the kitchen . It gave her time to collect herself before turning around . When she did , she gave a careless shrug . " My own father died last year , " Catherine said . " Jacob has been like a father to me since then , and that 's what Vincent calls him - Devin , too - and I got into the habit of calling him that myself . " " Not officially , " Catherine said . " It 's sort of an understanding . What about you ? I haven 't heard you mention a husband or boyfriend . " " There isn 't one , " Molly said , curling up on the couch across from Catherine . " Just never found the right one , I suppose . What is Vincent like ? No one seems to want to talk about him . " " He loves to read , as he told you in the note , " Catherine said . " Poetry especially . He 's committed quite a bit to memory . He prefers the classics - Shakespeare , Dante , Dickens , that sort of thing . " " Vincent is the most decent , caring , gentle soul I 've ever known , " Catherine said , smiling at Molly 's " unfortunate fixation . " " He genuinely feels the pain , and joy , of the people he loves . He doesn 't just empathize . He really feels it . Meeting him changed my whole life , made me a better person . " " That 's also an exercise in frustration , " he said . " Hi , Molly . " He bent to snatch a cookie and threw himself on the couch where Catherine had been sitting . " So where 's the old man ? " " He 'll be here . You know it 's a long trip for him , " Catherine said . " I do wish you wouldn 't call him that . " " Much . " Father arrived a few minutes later , and Catherine was very glad that Devin had been there in the meantime because he had been a college professor in one of his previous incarnations and he kept Molly busy talking about publishing and students ' bad writing in assigned papers , freeing Catherine from having to join in the conversation . " I apologize , Catherine , " Father said when he arrived . " A little problem with Eric and a skinned elbow . " " Oh , yes , he 's fine . Simply a tumble , nothing to worry about . " Father smiled at Molly . " Hello , my dear . You 're looking well . " He spotted the cookies , too , and seeing that Molly and Devin were helping themselves , followed suit . " Chocolate chip , " he said as he took one . " Lovely . You remembered they 're my favorite , " he added to Catherine . " How could I forget ? " Catherine said . Father lowered himself onto the couch next to Molly and looked expectantly at Catherine . She sat next to Devin , and Father nodded at her . " Go ahead , Catherine . " So Catherine , as they had decided , told Molly of meeting Vincent . She told her all of it , the party with Tom , the attack and the mistaken identity , Vincent 's finding her in the park and taking her to Father because there was no time to take her to Peter or a hospital . Molly listened with a brow puckered in sympathy and not a little confusion - hadn 't Father told her he no longer lived in the city ? - - and when Catherine reached the part about awakening in Vincent 's chamber and hearing the incessant tapping on the pipes , Father took over . " I scolded my son for bringing a stranger to our home , " Father said . " Even though she had been unconscious and would not have seen anything , she was at that point aware of our world . I didn 't see how we would return her to her own world without letting her see more than I thought wise . But Vincent was convinced she was trustworthy , and though I thought then that he was blinded by his concern and affection for her , I also have great respect for his ability to understand others and his empathy . And really , he had no choice , not if her life were to be saved . " Devin took his turn then . " Vincent doesn 't look like other people , " he said . Unlike Catherine and Father , who were tense with the stress of telling Molly a secret they all guarded so desperately , Devin was leaning back , relaxed , one ankle resting on the opposite knee . " When we were kids , sometimes other kids teased him , but I soon cured them of that . When new kids came Below , I was the one who introduced them to Vincent and I made them understand that he was not to be tormented , ever . " " Devin got into a lot of fights with other boys , " Father put in . " It was always over Vincent , " Devin said . " He was my kid brother , even before I knew we were really brothers . I always thought of him that way , and I had to protect him . " " I know , son , " Father said , leaning forward to pat his leg . " Devin did not know I was his father when he was a child , " he added to Molly , who was clearly still trying to take in the fact that Vincent 's appearance had frightened Catherine at first . " How does Vincent not look like other people ? " Molly said . " Are you afraid I 'll tease him ? I wouldn 't dream of - " " Freak out , " Devin finished for her . " Our world , " Father said , clearly uncomfortable with this turn in the conversation , " lies below this one . It is a network of tunnels and chambers far below the city . It has existed for close to 40 years , secret . We have Helpers here Above , like Catherine , " he stopped long enough to smile at her , " who provide us with what they can , and we make do with the castoffs of others for the rest . Vincent depends on our world , and its secret , for his very life . If we were to show you our world , and Vincent , you would have to agree to keep the secret , guard it with everything that you are , and never speak of any of it to anyone . Eventually you will learn who our Helpers are and to whom it is safe to speak . But the secret must remain a secret . " Molly 's eyes moved from one to another , as if she were waiting for the punch line . When none came , her eyes widened . " A whole world ? Below the city ? That no one knows about ? Who built it ? " " Most of the tunnels are natural formations , " Father said . " Some , and many of our chambers where we live , were built by those who live there . Others were built far in the past , by people who left no clues about themselves . We can only guess . " " The community was founded by Father and a friend of his as a place for those to go who have no other place to go , " Catherine said . " They 're family . They 're my family and Devin 's and Vincent 's and Father 's . They live together , and love each other , and live as well as they can . " " We were very close friends at school and have remained so , " Father said . " We misled you about our relationship , I 'm afraid . We didn 't know if we could trust you until we came to know you better . " Molly 's eyes returned to Catherine . " And Vincent ? Prepare me . I don 't want to hurt his feelings by reacting the wrong way . What does he look like ? " " We don 't know Vincent 's origins , " Father said . " He was found as a baby outside St . Vincent 's Hospital by a member of the community . He was starving and almost frozen , and Anna brought him Below , and he survived . I consider him as much my son as if he 'd been born to me . And in many ways , he is the glue that holds our community together . We love him . " " Of course I will , " she said promptly . " I wouldn 't dream of risking your home for anything . You 're my family . You 're my only family . " She leaned a little closer to Father . " Keeping secrets is how we got here to begin with , isn 't it ? Dad kept you a secret from me . You kept Dad a secret from them , " she indicated Catherine and Devin . " Your world is a secret and Vincent is a secret , and while sometimes a person has to keep secrets , sometimes secrets hurt more than they help . The trick is to know the difference , and I do now , more than ever . " " I regret the lost years more than I can express , " Father said , taking her hand in his . " The ones I missed with your father , and the ones I 've missed with you . " He looked at Catherine and Devin and , apparently satisfied that they agreed with him , he rose . " Shall we go Below ? " Catherine and Molly went to the sub - basement first , with Devin and Father following a few minutes apart , so as not to attract attention . Luckily , the sub - basement was deserted , and Catherine moved the boxes that hid the portal . She ushered Molly through first , then guarded the entrance until Father and Devin had gone through . She went down last , moving the boxes back into place before descending the ladder . Molly was stunned and staring , and she hadn 't even seen beyond the small chamber below Catherine 's basement . With Father leading the way , they headed toward the home tunnels . Father paused to tap a message on the pipes , which were almost silent due to Pascal 's " all quiet " signal for this evening . Pascal answered Father 's message , and in a few minutes , the pipes resumed their normal flow of traffic . " Now that they know we 're safely Below , " Father said to Molly , " the regular messages may continue as usual . " " Not exactly , " Father said . " That 's what we began with , but over the years it 's been refined into a kind of shorthand . That is , common phrases are down to a few taps each , such as each of our names , and oft - used codes like ' food pickup ' or ' help ' are also shorthand now . " In a few minutes , they had reached the outer perimeter of the home tunnels and passed several people - Eric , with a bandaged arm , accompanied by Kipper and Samantha , who held a checkerboard under her arm . Rebecca working in her candle shop . A group of little girls playing jacks in another chamber . Everyone had been told about Molly already and greeted her by name . Father nodded , stepped into the tunnel outside and tapped a message . In a few moments , Catherine could hear his step in the passage . Father had taken a chair and poured himself a cup of tea , but he had not tasted it . In spite of his outward calm , Catherine knew , he was braced for the worst . Slowly , but not exactly reluctantly , Vincent raised his hands to the hood . Catherine saw Molly 's eyes widen as she took in the sight of his hands , furred and clawed , but her expression didn 't change to fear . He pushed back the hood and though Molly blinked a bit too rapidly , she was clearly not afraid . Startled , yes . Intrigued . But not afraid . He inclined his head regally , Catherine thought fondly , and answered , " And I have looked forward to meeting you . " He descended the stairs and approached Molly , who offered her hand . He took it in both of his and they simply looked at each other for a moment . Finally , Vincent said , " I can see a bit of Father in you , Molly . Does he favor his brother strongly ? " Devin snorted and grinned at Catherine . " Doesn 't like to be seen without a beard , " he said to her . Catherine smothered a laugh , not very successfully , and when Vincent and Devin joined in , the ice was broken for good . Vincent took a seat , poured himself some tea , and went about the business of getting to know Molly . They took to each other immediately , and Devin and Catherine exchanged more than one amused look at their chatter . They might have been childhood friends meeting again after a long separation , so eager and easy was their discourse . Molly grinned . " I didn 't mean the way you look , though that doesn 't hurt . No , it 's your voice . It sounds just like I always imagined Aslan 's would sound , a kind of rich baritone . You also strike me as kind and wise . " " I loved ' The Chronicles of Narnia ' when I was a child , " Molly went on . " And ' The Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe ' was my favorite book . I even hunted through our house for a portal that would take me to Narnia so I could meet Aslan myself . " " I think I should be flattered , " Vincent said . " I can hardly aspire to his selflessness or his wisdom , but I will concede our voices might be similar . " " And you , " Molly said to Catherine , " must have a devil of a time keeping quiet about this terrific guy when your friends want to know why you don 't have a boyfriend . " " For a while , I told them it was because Dad needed me while he was sick , " Molly said . " Before that , I was busy trying to get tenure . Now I 'm going to have to come up with a new one . " " And the truth is ? " Vincent asked . Catherine wouldn 't have had the nerve . When Molly flushed and didn 't immediately answer , he gentled his voice and asked , " Another secret ? One you don 't wish to share , perhaps ? " Molly shook her head . " A secret , but you 've shared yours , " she waved her hand , indicating the entire community , " so I can hardly refuse to share mine . No , it 's okay , " she added when Vincent drew breath , probably to tell her she needn 't speak if she didn 't want to . " I don 't mind telling you . I was in love with a man , another professor at the university , and it turned out he was married . When I found out , I broke it off and I just haven 't had the heart to try again . I just haven 't met anyone worth risking a broken heart for , that 's all . But if you tell people that , " she gave a shrug and a sad smile , " they feel compelled to set you up with their single friends , and more often than not , wildly unsuitable single friends at that . " " No , but I should have guessed . He wouldn 't give me his home number or take me there . We always went to odd and out of the way places for dinner . Some of our colleagues told me he was ' bad ' for me . Several times . This was all years ago when I was new at the university and didn 't know anyone . They all knew his reputation , and I wish someone had just come out and told me he was married before I found out . " " That stubbornness you and Dad and I share , " Molly said . " I would not be chased away from a job I love because of a cad . " She pushed away the memory almost visibly . " Everyone here calls you ' Father , ' " she said . " I don 't know if I can do that . It wouldn 't feel right . Is it all right to call you ' Uncle Jacob ' ? " " Of course , " he said promptly . " Peter calls me Jacob , as do other Helpers who have been involved since the beginning of our world . Most of the people who call me ' Father ' do so because they have no father of their own and I try to fill his place for them . " " And may I visit occasionally ? " Impulsively , she threw her arms around his neck and gave him a hug . " Thank you , Uncle Jacob . I 'm so glad I found you . " Devin thoughtfully offered to take Molly home , so Vincent and Catherine could say their good - nights in private . It had been a long and stressful day , but Catherine felt it had been successful . She leaned her head against Vincent 's chest as they stood at the threshold . Vincent smiled crookedly . " Indeed it does . Even in the members of the family who were adopted and are not related by blood . If you had not forced the issue , we might yet be longing for one another and unfulfilled . " |
I am a 52 year old woman who has been having shoulder problems for about 1 year . Pain , stiffness , then it seemed all at once I couldn 't raise my left arm . I don 't recall any injury ; and have been seeking treatment since October 2006 . I have had a manipulation under general anesthesia , but still am unable to bring my arm around to my back , or to the opposite front pocket . Now , November 2007 , I have been diagnosed with breast cancer - - infiltrating ductal carcinoma , grade II , and ductal carcinoma in situ , noncomedo type , nuclear grade II with associated calcifications . The largest focus of carcinoma measures 1 . 2 cm . I felt like I slept pretty good in between periods of wakefulness . Daniel 's alarm didn 't sound , and I happened to wake up shortly after 5 and woke him up . Of course , that half hour was interrupted , and I went back to sleep after he left . I woke after nine . I got up , gathering the few things to pack and I realized I was hungry , so I had breakfast . I noticed that the hummingbird feeder was about empty and made food for them . Next , shower . I turned the water on , and after a few minutes water started spurting out of connection for the shower head ! ! Whoa ! ! I turned the water off and saw that the plastic had split . Not to worry - - I took what I needed over to the other bathroom and finished showering there . I finished packing , watered the plants , got the hummingbird feeder down to clean and fill it . When I opened the bottom , there was a live bee inside of it , swimming around . I gave it a fast trip through the garbage disposal . After hanging the feeder I loaded the car and headed out . First stop , library . I went in and selected a few books , hoping to read at least one of them . Next , Meijer . I had to wait in line to fill my water jugs . And 2 others got in line behind me the first person continued filling her jugs . That was a first for me - - I 've only occasionally seen people using the refill station . That done , I head north . I had a very enjoyable drive , and I arrived at the Jacque Cabin a little after 5 pm . Everything looks good , temps 60 degrees , clear and sunny . The lake had a little ripple , then quieted to mirror , then blew up just before sundown . This evening it has settled down again , almost mirror , and I watched the moon come up and Jupiter become visible . The dining room window is perfect for moon watching . Tomorrow I might start a 2 - day project ; I have several to choose from . Right after a late morning paddleboat ride . Or jog . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept more than I thought I would , but it 's still difficult to get up in the middle of my sleep time , at 0430 . But I did , and thanked God for my life , which includes the J . O . B . Daniel 's alarm didn 't come on , and he was sleeping ( snoring ) pretty good when I woke him . We both got ready for our day , and went our separate ways . I had a safe drive down , thank you God , and it is now dark in the morning . Oh , wait , isn 't that what daylight savings time is for ? So in the fall we 'll fall back , and it will be semi - light for a couple of weeks . Oh , the joy of living like trolls and gophers , darkness both going to work and going back home . Again , I 'm thankful for my life . We had a good day , and I was able to clock out a little early . I got home just a few minutes before Dan ; we changed clothes and went to Los Tres Amigos . We enjoyed our food and each other 's company , then browsed the Toyota lot . Looking for a gently used Prius for Daniel . And , no , the Sebring hasn 't sold yet . Back at home , Dan fell asleep in the chair , I looked up a couple of things online then wrote here . I was thinking of going back up north tonight , but I 'm really too tired , and it 's not pressing that I go tonight . I 'll stay home and get on my way tomorrow morning . I 'm off to bed . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I didn 't sleep as well as I thought I would , waking at intervals through the night . It was finally 0430 and I got up . Daniel was up at 0500 . We breakfasted and each left for our respective jobs . I had a safe drive down , thank you God , parked , and walked over to the hospital . We had a good day today , and by the time the night shift came in we were ready to leave . A good drive home , thanks again . Dan was home when I got home . We visited , catching up . I did laundry tonight in case I want to go back to the lake tomorrow evening . I wrote here , and am about ready for bed . I work tomorrow , too . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I heard the loons calling about 0200 - - it sounds pretty neat , but kind of creepy / eerie at the same time . I woke about 8 : 30 , dozing and finally getting up about 9 : 15 . It was a cool 50 degrees this morning , and mostly clear , and quiet . I mounted the under cabinet light and wa - la ! ! Just what I thought ! ! It was good . I had breakfast , cleaned up after myself , and took the rowboat down to the Goodwin Cottage for the boys to use . One of them , 8 year old Corey , was all about learning how to row . I took him out , and he was a quick learner ; concentrating , smiling . As the sky was starting to cloud up , and the wind picking up , I went back to the JC and brought the speedboat over for anyone to go for a ride . Tom , Bruce , Corey , and I went out . Whee ! ! I like that boat . We " went fast " , turning this way and that . Now Corey 's smile was as big as the boat ! He went on the tube , but just for a few minutes , and slow . But still grinning . We picked up KS at the Goodwin dock and went to the other end of the lake and spun around some more before going in . I dropped off Bruce and Corey , hugs all around , and KS got out and rowed the boat back to the JC . They collected their things and went back down to the GC , as Bruce and his guests were leaving . Tom helped me cover the boat . Not too long after that it started raining . Perfect timing . Tom and I checked out the new Sunsetter awning that Dan and I have to put over the back door / porch . The installation disc was broken , but I called 1 - 800 - - - and she walked me through the online access . After looking at that , and looking at where we want to install it , it may be a bit more of a challenge that we first thought . I brought the instruction booklet home for Daniel to look at , and we 'll talk about it , figure it out . I fixed my food and got my things ready to go home for the weekend . I realized that I didn 't need to take everything back home , so I picked out what I wanted and put the remaining items away . After eating , I finished cleaning : vacuuming , bathroom , and kitchen . I loaded up and got on my way aboPosted by I was sleeping pretty good , looking forward to not being interrupted at 0500 by Daniel 's alarm . And then my phone rang . I knew it was the hospital , ( at least 99 % sure ) so I ignored it and tried to relax and get back to sleep . I heard the loons call a couple of times , and drifted back to sleep . The next I woke it was 0900 , but I wasn 't done sleeping yet . I dozed , then surprised that it was 10 : 30 . Time to get up . And then my phone rang . Tom called , saying they 'd like to come down today instead of tomorrow , and they will be here through the weekend . All Right ! ! Come on down ! I got up and got myself together , breakfasted , collected my stuff and smooshed the refrigerator around , making room for them . I even moved the car over in the garage . I was getting ready to go out for a run when they arrived . We visited a little while they unloaded , then they went back to the Goodwin Cottage to greet Bruce and his guests . I went out for my jog . It was very nice - - 62 degrees and sunny for the most part , but it did cloud up and get a little breezy later this afternoon . I cooled off , showered , and was just going to get my food together to eat when they came back . I had my dinner , they prepared and ate theirs , we cleaned up the kitchen , then went outdoors to attack the woodpile next to the house . We raked , cleaning up an area that was finally dry , and the three of us moved the woodpile in hardly any time at all . Burned the twigs and leaves , cleaned up the cement where the wood was . And behind the wood is a vent thing for the crawlspace , which has a hole in the mesh about an inch in diameter . Aha ! ! Tom adjusted the cover that was on it to cover the hole . It may just be temporary , but it 's ok for now . While we were out there , Bruce came over and brought us some fresh sweet corn from his garden . Yum ! ! Thanks , Bruce . The neighbors were out and we visited with them a bit , and we all walked around this house to check the crawlspace vents . The wind is a bit chilly . We finished up and went inside . I got my paint stuff out and painted the bottom sidPosted by I was more tired than I thought - - I slept pretty well ( even though I awakened several times ) - - and Daniel 's alarm came on at 0500 . Ugh . I thought about staying in bed and sleeping , but I knew I would only think about getting up and ready to go . So I got up , too . I packed and breakfasted ; Dan ate and left for work . I was on the road by 0700 . It was lightly raining and gloomy , but the weather channel had shown that the rain was only downstate . I went north , and stopped in to see my cousin Diane before stopping at Meijer for gas and groceries . It was a nice visit , though brief , and I went on to the store . I took my time shopping , as I was kind of tired of sitting . I continued on my way , as advised by the GPS . County roads , and absolutely beautiful . The yards with flowers , and the forest with the foliage , was worth the trip . Definitely looking like mid to late summer . I truly enjoyed the car ride through God 's world . I arrived at the Jacque Cabin about 11 or 11 : 30 or so . I know that after I was unpacked and called Daniel , I wondered if he was at lunch yet . It was a little breezy , the cool wind making the warm sun only 62 degrees or so . I heard the loons call after a while : it sounds to me like the young one 's voice is getting stronger . I saw the duck family go by with the seven ducklings chirping away . It 's amazing how big they 've gotten in 2 weeks . I swept off both the front and back decks , and sidewalks , and had a snack . After I got settled in , I walked down to the Goodwin Cottage to see T & KS and their new vehicle . A beautiful , metallic blue , 2009 , Chevy Traverse with light gray interior . I walked around it before going up to the cottage . Tom met me at the door , and after a bit the 3 of us went out and they showed me the vehicle . Lovely . We went down to visit Kathy 's parents . They Ooooo - d and Ahhhhh - d over it appropriately , then we all went for a ride around the lake . KS and I sat in the " back back " and had a lot of fun checking things out and teasing Tom . ( Are we there yet ? etc . ) A brief visit back at the McKinstry 's , and TPosted by I could have easily gone back to sleep this morning - - in fact , I was several hours into the day before I finally felt " awake " . The shuttle came around this morning and scooped us up and took us over to the hospital . We started out steady , maybe a bit slower paced than usual , and I thought I might be able to leave a little early . I had called a few of my co - workers to come in and cover for me , but they had other things to do . As the afternoon went on , it got busier . I was finishing up the end of the shift when someone called and asked for me to help them get the baby to breast . Sure . . . I ended up not leaving until close to 8 pm . God has given me a most awesome gift of being able to get most babies feeding . Not only that , but to be able to be allowed into that personal , intimate time of the mother and the newborn - - and sometimes the father is an active participant , too - - as the energies meet and recognize and interact . . . I am humbled and honored and thank and praise the Lord for my life . So I walk the two blocks to the car , thinking that I 'm not going to decide about driving up tonight . I get home safely ( thank you God ) and visit with Dan . I think I 'm going to go tonight . He turns to the weather channel , and I see the line of rain and storms , which I might be able to miss , but probably not . Ick . I don 't like driving in rain , or storms , especially in the dark . I change my mind and decide to go in the morning . I can get up with Daniel and leave early . I change into my jammas . Ahh . I really am pretty tired . So I 'll be going to bed soon in hopes of sleeping decently . Thank you for reading . Hugs . The radio came on , reminding me of the reality of my J . O . B . I thanked God for my life and got up . Dan got up when his alarm went on at 0500 . We breakfasted and left , he a few minutes before I . On the way out of the complex , it was quite foggy . There , in a lightly tree - d area , were two deer . Right there - - one was between the sidewalk and the road , and the other was further back . They watched me approach . Of course I slowed down even more . As I got nearer , they were both watching . The first one kind of crouched , then turned and took a couple of steps , which triggered the second one to turn and leap away . The first one bounded after it . That was pretty neat . But kind of creepy , right there in the complex . I had a safe drive down in the intermittent fog , thank you God , and the shuttle was no where to be seen . I walked the couple blocks over to the hospital . We had a good day , with with just a handful of patients . As the day wore on , though , there were many women laboring , a couple of them had just delivered , and they are going to be busy tonight . The shuttle was there tonight and I rode over to the car . A good drive home , thanks again . Dan had just gotten home again , too , as he had golfed this afternoon . We visited a bit , I wrote here , and I 'm ready to go to bed . If I 'm not too overly tired tomorrow night , I 'd like to head up to The Lake after work . If not , I 'll go Wednesday morning . I 'll have to come back to work Saturday and Sunday , but then I can go back up for the week . Woo Hoo ! ! Hope the weather is good ! Thank you for reading . Hugs . Dan got up and went to work ; I of course went back to sleep , waking close to ten o ' clock . I wandered around , had breakfast , looked at a couple of emails , and decided to go out for a jog . I had a good run today . After I cooled off I , went in and showered . Not real ambitious , I finished the laundry and got the ingredients ready for supper . When Dan called to say he was on his way I started preparing it . I fixed some angel hair pasta with tomatoes , summer squash , parmesan cheese , and added a couple of tilapia filets for protein . A little butter and olive oil , and yum . That sits real nice on my intestines . Dan 's , too . After we ate , we visited a little , and Dan fell asleep in his chair . 7 : 45 , he went to bed . So I have the evening to myself . I 've been so hot , then goose - bumpy cold . And my shoulder and breast are uncomfortable enough that I took tylenol and motrin . And I am very thankful to be alive , and well . Tomorrow is a workday for me . I 'm thankful that I have a job , too . And for my lovely niece , Kimberly , who participated in the 3 Day Walk in Dearborn . I love her phrase : " Save The Jiggles " ! Hugs ! ! Finally , a morning we both could sleep . I got up first about 9 o ' clock , Daniel shortly after . We had a nice morning together , then took the Sebring to my friend Joann 's Mobil station on the corner of M - 106 and Berry Road , where we 're hoping that the visibility there will get that vehicle SOLD ! ! ! When we got back , I steamed the clothes we were going to wear tonight while Daniel laid back down for a short nap . I had a good lunch , and when he got up he had a bite , too . We headed over to Flint for a mass , arranged specially for the alumni of St . John Vianney school . The church was full ( ! ) , and it was a nice mass . From there we went over to the Genysis Athletic and Conference Center in Grand Blanc for the All - School Reunion . They had a good turnout ; though at approximately 350 attendees , it was about half of the previous reunion held 6 years ago . Dan and I had a good time , and it seemed that most everyone there did , too . We left about 11 : 30 . I drove home , so for Daniel it was a short trip , as he slept most of the way home . He has to get up early for work Sunday . I went to bed , too , without writing . So this is written Sunday . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Another work day , after a few hours of interrupted sleep . It 's only one day , then 2 off . I 'll be ok . I got up and got ready to go . Daniel was sleeping . I had a safe drive down , thank you God , and walked over to the hospital . We had a good day with a good group of co - workers . And an odd kind of busy that settled down some near the end of the shift . The shuttle was there when I left , and I rode over to the parking lot . An uneventful drive home , thank You again . Daniel was home , and we had a quiet evening . I 've taken tylenol / motrin to help with the headache I developed on the way home , hoping I 'll be able to sleep at least a few hours uninterrupted , maybe soon . Thank you for reading . Hugs . After Daniel left for work , I woke again about 9 : 30 . I felt pretty good . I got ready for the day , had breakfast , and went out to Meijer . I browsed around there for a bit . Clearing out summer stuff , putting out fall stuff . Halloween stuff . Amazing . Back home , I had a snack and put supper in the oven . While that was baking , I hemmed Daniel 's slacks , then used the fabric steamer to finish . When I was thinking that he should be home soon , I remembered that he was going to golf this afternoon and wouldn 't be home for a while . So I had my supper . Daniel got in about 7 : 45 . We visited , his pants fit , and before long he went off to bed . I 've got a naggy headache this evening . I 'm going to take tylenol and motrin and let it help me sleep . I work in the morning . Thank you for reading . Hugs . After Daniel left for work this morning , I went back to sleep , waking again about 0930 . I stretched my left arm and shoulder like Ike has shown me for the lymph fluid , and it feels minutely better . I get up and wander around , not quite ready to have breakfast . So I read a little while before making a batch of waffles . I also cooked up some fresh blueberries for topping . Yum . I enjoyed my coffee , then went in to shower before going to Leah 's for my massage appointment . She did a great job with me today , paying attention to the pockets of lymph fluid at the bottom of my ribs and around to the back , as well as under the upper part of my arm . I feel so much better . Even my plugged ears feel better . Thank you , Leah . Daniel got home shortly after I did . We chatted a while . I was hungry , but he wasn 't ready to eat yet , so I had a bowl of cereal . He fixed his own hot food later . He must have been pretty tired , because he fell asleep in the chair , then went to bed at 8 : 30 . Which makes for a long evening for me . I 've been listening to my book , relaxing . No plans for tomorrow , so far . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I kind of slept . In two hour blocks , it seemed . I remember seeing the clock at 3 : 38 , then Daniel asked me if I had to work today . Yes , why ? He said it was quarter to 5 . I saw the clock , then heard the radio . Yup . My sleep time . * sigh * I got up . I managed to get ready and leave in a timely manner , and after a safe , dark drive ( thank you God ) the shuttle was there to take us over to the hospital . We had a good day on the overflow unit , and great co - workers . And it finally got to be 12 and 1 / 2 hours later , time to leave . A safe drive home , thanks again . Daniel had a day off and had done lots of little things that he had wanted to do . We visited a bit , and he went off to bed shortly after 9 . I checked email and wrote here . Tomorrow is massage day in the afternoon . I 'm ready . I 'll be off to bed soon . Thank you for reading . Hugs . A short night , but I think I slept a little more than last night . I got up and got ready for work . Daniel was up this morning , too . A safe drive down , thank you God , and you know what ? It 's dark again now in the morning . Yuck . We were busy today , and of course , I have the best co - workers . We had a relatively good day , considering . We were all tired at the end of the shift . A light rain was starting as we left . I did manage to walk the 2 blocks to my car without getting really wet . A safe drive home , thank You again . The light was very odd with the rain and the clouds ; a couple of times it looked like a black and white setting , or shades of gray type of composition . Very Odd . Daniel had subbed for someone on a golf league this evening , and even though it started raining , they were able to play what they needed to . He has drifted off to bed . I work tomorrow , and I 'm about off to bed myself . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Tossing and turning , hot , cooled off , cold , comfortable , hot again . I saw another survivor 's blog entry - - she 's three years since diagnosis , two years on meds , and still not sleeping . And trying to keep her weight under control , too . While it was timely for me to come across that entry , I hope I see one that after 5 years on meds and 6 months off of them , better sleep happens as well as returning to normal weight . Again , I 'm thankful to be alive and disease free . I did 3 loads of laundry today , cleaned my vanity area , kitchen again , had a nice shower . I went to the library , and the nice library lady told me my card had expired a few days ago , so I got that renewed , too . Daniel came home shortly after I had gotten back . We visited a bit , he was settling down , and the doorbell rang . Frank ! ! He stopped in for a short visit . Since none of us had eaten yet , we went out to Bob Evans . Frank left when we got back . I deadheaded the outdoor plants and watered them . Daniel drifted off to bed . Tomorrow is a work day for me , and I 'll be turning in soon , too . My breast is full and sore , and I 'm still not sure about my ears . I think they might be a little better . It 's 81 degrees here at 10 : 30 pm . I 'm extremely thankful for air conditioning . And I thank you for reading . Hugs . Another night of yucky sleep . I 've read that it 's important to have " quality " sleep for the body and brain , and that when there is lack of quality sleep the body and brain are less than optimal . I 'd really like to think that the 2 or 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep are " quality " , but I wonder . . . So , today I 've been rather a slug . Sure , I cleaned the kitchen , picked up the bedroom , and a few other small tasks , but overall I 've sat and rested . I did go out to Kohl 's , as Daniel had one of the promo coupons from a previous purchase . $ 20 . 00 in Kohl Cash . I wandered around the store , looking for something to buy that we really needed as opposed to just buying something to spend the money . A couple of times around the store , and Daniel called . He suggested more socks for him for work . Ok - - that takes 15 of it . Oh , wait , they 're on sale . So I went back to the ladies ' activewear and picked up a " wicking " shirt for me to wear to work , $ 25 , on sale for 8 . 90 . The nice young man rang it up , and it came to $ 17 and something . Good enough . I got home , and Daniel wanted to go to Los Tres Amigos . We stopped at the pharmacy to pick up his meds , then to the restaurant , then to Meijer for a couple things that were on sale . Back home , I 'm so hot , I 've been sitting in front of the fan . Dan fell asleep in the chair and went to bed about 8 : 30 . Maybe tomorrow I 'll feel a little better and exercise , even if I don 't feel better . I haven 't figured out if my ears are better or if that 's why I don 't feel good . I 'm thankful to be alive , and to have people I love around me . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I didn 't sleep as well as I would have thought , but I was somewhat rested when the lawnmowers woke me at 8 : 30 ish . I got up and got ready for the day . Daniel had gotten up at 5 and was gone . After breakfast I got things ready to go to work . I left early to stop at the credit union , then to the uniform sale being held at the hospital as a convenience to staff , with payroll deduction also . I picked up a couple short sleeved tops to see if I might be a bit more comfortable . I also tried on the next size pants ( medium ) , but they were way too big . The smalls are almost uncomfortable . I don 't like this gaining weight thing . I guess I 'll continue exercising and watching the caloric and carbohydrate intake . I hope this is not a permanent side effect of cancer treatment or the medications I need to take for the next 4 years . Anyway , I got to my unit , and all were happy to see me . But I wasn 't needed . The person who had covered the morning half of the shift had been put " on call " , and the status hadn 't gotten passed on to me . I really didn 't mind . I had wanted to check out the uniform sale , and needed to do the banking . I visited a bit with my wonderful co - workers before leaving . While I was in the parking lot I called the doctor 's office to see about an appointment for my ear , which was still plugged . Nope , nothing available . I scheduled a time for Tuesday , thinking that if it got worse I 'd go somewhere like an urgent care center , and if it was better , I 'll cancel . I also scheduled my physical for October , and headed home . I was hungry , and did the food prep and ate . I also did a load of laundry and rested . Most of the rest of the day . Tonight , an email came in from Career Quest about my " job application " . They have an online assessment for applicants , which I did . It took about an hour and a half , was in 6 parts , including math , english comprehension , logic , and personality traits . I 'd like to see how it 's scored / weighted , and what it reveals . Daniel came in after 5 and said he had a good day . He spent the evening repairing a lPosted by I had set the alarm for 0830 , to get up and get started on powerwashing the trailer . Of course I didn 't sleep well - - nothing new in itself , but my right ear is feeling " full " . Might be an antibiotic issue that I 'll have to deal with in a couple of days . I lingered in bed like I know I shouldn 't - - but I do love to listen to the birds in the morning . I got up , stripped the bed , dressed , put things either away or packed up , and headed to the GC about 10 AM . We got the unit hooked up and turned on , and it worked , but it seemed that there was a lot of water coming from the bottom . Jim ended up taking the case apart to find out just where the water was coming from . He found that a metal piece had split . I called 1 - 800 - send - me - a - new - part , and it will arrive in a week or so . So , that project is postponed . I went back to the JC to get myself ready to go home . I cleaned , packed everything but the food , showered and finished the bathroom , then loaded the car and headed out about 3 : 45 . I had a nice drive home , stopping at Tom and Kathy 's for a brief visit , and made it home about 8 PM . Daniel was home and helped me unload . I was all unpacked by 8 : 30 . We visited a bit , and he drifted off to bed about an hour later . I work tomorrow afternoon ; I 'm happy to be able to sleep in . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was disappointed that I seemed to be awake a lot last night . I thought sure that I would have slept after painting . I got up just before 9 . 68 degrees , quiet , alternating with a light breeze . Wonderful . After fully waking up , I wandered around , had breakfast , made a couple phone calls , and went out for a paddleboat ride before completing my painting project . I hoped that when I came back in that there would be a message from my co - worker saying she 'd work the second half of tomorrow for me ; otherwise , I have to go home tonight . I had a lovely boat ride . I think I was out for a couple of hours . And when I came back in , I turned the paddleboat over , just in case . There were messages - - and one was from the wonderful Paula , who WILL work for me tomorrow ! Yippee ! ! I tell you , she is a great person . Time to get painting . I got that job finished up , tape removed , items replaced . I did the rest of the wall in the hallway , too . Looks soooo much better . I had something to eat , talked with Daniel , and walked to the GC . I had a nice visit with Polly , Jim , and neighbor Ann . Tomorrow we 're going to power wash the trailer . Then I have to get ready and go home . My right ear is " clicking " like the eustachian tube is blocked . I took a claritin with no change , and I took a sudafed a little bit ago . I don 't think it 's been long enough to tell if it 's helping yet , but I hope I 'm not getting an ear infection . Yuck . It 's cooled off to 68 degrees again on my tree , and the lake is mirror . Beautiful . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Wow . I slept GOOD last night ! ! I was surprised , seeing as how it was so humid . But I had the fans moving air around , and it cooled off to 70 degrees , and I was ok . I woke up once and it was clear and starry , then at dawn it was such thick fog you couldn 't see out the window . But at 0930 when I woke , it was clear again , 72 degrees , and as the morning went on the humidity decreased . It turned out to be a very pleasant day . I showered , breakfasted , and wandered around wondering what to do . I turned the fan to the bathroom to dry it out so I could paint in there . I swept the deck , picked up twigs and such , then taped the bathroom to paint . I washed the walls in there , too , and was pleasantly surprised that they weren 't as dirty as they looked . Just a little dusty and some cobwebs . I undid the light fixture and washed the globe . I saw my neighbor Mary outdoors and went out to see her , inviting her over to keep me company while I painted . We had a nice visit while I did a little more than half of the ceiling . She left , and I realized that I was hungry . Daniel called while I was eating . He sounded good . I went back to painting and got it finished , all but the corners and another coat on the trim . I 'll do that tomorrow with a 1 " brush . It looks so much better . I went out and sat on the glider , resting , listening , watching . A female duck swam by with a new brood of babies , very small yet . If they were swimming , they were really close to the mom . It looked more like they were on her back . And very soft peeping . Awesome . I was in the back yard to pick up the rose clippings that I cut the other day when Mary came back to check my work . We went inside for a minute - - she said it was very good , and went on home . I put the clippings and other twigs and stuff in the burner out front and had myself a nice fire . It was nightfall by then , and when I finally got the debris cleaned up and settled myself by the fire , the stars were coming out . I enjoyed it . I broke the fire apart after a couple of hours and put the grate over the top and camPosted by How lovely to sleep in ! Daniel was up sometime before I was . I think I woke somewhere around 8 : 30 . I was getting ready for the day when he said he was going to the clubhouse and sit in the whirlpool for a while . Hey ! I 'll go with you ! So we did , and ended up being in the tub for almost an hour . It was veerrry niiiccce . We showered there then came home . I was hungry and had my breakfast ; Dan was doing whatever he was doing before he ate . I got my things together and got ready to leave . We both ended up leaving just before noon - - him to do his errands and me to go north . I had a good drive , thank you God , and when I got here it was 76 degrees and sunny . And humid . Not much breeze . I got unloaded and was fixing my dinner when the dark cloud came in and it poured straight down for about a half hour . The sun came out again and it was still humid and still . I had looked for something that Daniel had wanted , not sure if I found the right thing , then went out and checked out the power washer . I think it will do the job on the trailer at the GC , as well as clean the bottom of the speedboat when I get it out . I was getting into the bottom of the vacuum cleaner , getting the crud out of it , putting the new belt on , and it was so humid and still that my glasses had fogged up . Really . And just then the neighbors Steve and Jan pulled up with their pontoon , " You wanna go for a boat ride ? " Oooh , yeah . It was just after dusk . We had a lovely ride around the lake , and it was dark before we were back . It 's quiet , warm , clear , humid - - just like summer 's supposed to be . The thermometer on the tree shows 70 degrees at 10 : 45 pm . I 'm thankful that God has given me this life , to be in this world , and people I love to share it with . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I worked today after a short night 's interrupted sleep . One of the nicer things this morning was that Daniel had to get up , too . A safe drive down , thank you God , and I parked and walked across the street . We only had 5 patients for most of the day , adding 2 mom / baby couplets later in the afternoon . It made for a long day , but I got my required " competencies " completed , as well as some other related reading . A big thunderstorm was developing ; I watched it on the radar on the computer . It looks to be happening directly over the route I 'll need to take north . And since I don 't absolutely need to go up north tonight , and I really don 't like driving in thunderstorms , I 'm not going to go tonight . I had a safe drive home , thank You again , and went through a small pocket of rain . Daniel was home , and we snuggled and talked as the storm happened . He finally has ( only ) one day off , tomorrow . He 's going to rest and catch up with himself . I 'm going to go up north at some point . I 'm glad I didn 't drive up tonight - - I 'm actually pretty tired . I ate fair and drank lots of water today . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I got up this morning and got ready for work . I was half hoping the phone would ring and I would be put " on - call " . Daniel got up at 5 ; still not rested it seemed to me . Anyway , at about 10 after 5 my phone rang . On Call . Yippee ! ! ! I stayed up to visit with Dan , then went back to bed after he left . I woke again 9 : 30 ish . And when I did my phone rang again . I thought it might be work calling me in . Nope . It was a co - worker , though , and good friend . We had a nice conversation . I got up and had breakfast , wrote yesterday 's post , and went to shower . The rain was letting up ; I put a load of laundry in and got my things together to run errands . I did that , and got back just after Daniel did . He 's pretty tired , with sore feet . I fixed supper and we ate . We enjoyed our companionable computer time and light conversation before he drifted off to bed . I wrote here , and will be in bed soon . Tomorrow is a workday , and I 'll probably go back up to the lake tomorrow night . I 'm not sure when Dan can come up - - I don 't think he knows , either . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I had been sleeping and was " surfacing " when Diane came to the bedroom door and told me that Bruce was on his way over to say goodbye . Oh ! ! Ok - - I got out of bed , dressed , had " my turn " in the bathroom , was just finishing when he arrived . We had a short visit and he left to be on his way for home . I breakfasted and gathered up most of my things , as I had to leave today for work on Saturday and Sunday . The weather was cool , just 60 , but kept getting better as the day went on . Diane and I went in to Hale , a trash run , hardware store , and she needed a few groceries . Back at home , Diane went out fishing . I saw the neighbors outside , the ones who offered me the use of their boat lift . I have never met them , so I went outdoors . Steve and Jan P , very nice folks . We visited a bit , they showed me around their newly remodeled home , and as we were back outside , Diane had come in from fishing and joined us . Steve and Jan continued on for their pontoon boat ride , and Diane and I went out for a paddleboat ride . We went over to the GC where Polly came down onto the dock . She got a boat cushion and joined us . We went on down around the point of the sandbar , and as we got around on the other side and was coming back , it seemed that we were a bit lower in the water . Hm . And when a boat 's wake would come up , we took on a little water in the back corner . Hm again . Polly and Diane splash - bailed the water out , but that didn 't seem to help much . We shifted our positions to try to keep the little boat level , but it sure was looking like we had water in the middle / inside of the boat . ( This paddleboat is one of the two - piece molded plastic models ) We were still able to maneuver . As we went by the McKinstry place we realized it was naptime , so we kept on going . We made it to the GC and got Polly back on the dock , and Diane and I went back to the JC . That little boat was so full of water that we could hardly pull it up into the egress . Walking around it I saw that there is about a 1 / 2 - 3 / 4 inch hole near the top of the bottom half , up front , whicPosted by I slept Well last night . Woo Hoo ! ! When I woke it was at least mid - morning ; not awakened by the loons calling at daylight . And I felt pretty good . I listened to the boats and jet skis before getting up . It was 10 : 30 or so when I looked at the clock . I dressed and picked up my room before going into the bathroom . Just as well - - Diane had just finished her " turn " in there , getting ready to go fishing . I ate then went outside to turn the paddleboat over and wipe it off . I was just putting things into the paddleboat when Diane came back in . Lots of little ones , she said . We went to the GC , where an old friend had stopped in to say Hi , along with her son , on his jet ski . We chatted some before he offered Diane a ride . She came back all smiles . When he asked if I wanted to go , I took the lifejacket as Diane took it off . Woo Hoo ! ! It was fun ! ! He knew how to handle the water and the machine pretty good , and he started jumping the smaller waves . I can see how folks might hanker to own one of those things . We visited down there a bit and had a nice paddleboat ride back . It was time to " do " something around here . We had both inside and outside chores to do , but first , Diane cleaned the glass in the center door . I had it all streaked up . Window cleaning has never been a talent for me . I even smear my glasses with the spray and cloth from the optician . It takes a couple different times to get my glasses clean . Thank you , Diane . A huge improvement . She chose to go outside and sweep . I helped her with the furniture , then went in to start vacuuming . When she was done and came in , I was at a point to move furniture , too , and we did the " move - vacuum - replace - the - furniture dance " . It was much better than doing it myself , which was on my list to do on this trip up . When we were just about done , I looked up and saw the neighbor Mary sitting on her back porch in the sun , reading . I had a feeling she was out there waiting for me to see her . I decided that a half hour to visit would fit mostly , as we were expecting the Goodwin 's to come dowPosted by I woke at daybreak , listening and watching , remembering that I was just here two weeks ago . The young loon is larger and looking a bit more independent , and it 's voice is a little stonger . The young one is diving more , too . Too cool . I went back to sleep after the orange - to - pink sunrise over a slightly ruffled lake . Lovely . I was surprised to see that it was 10 : 30 also . I got up and had breakfast , acclimating to my surroundings again . Diane was out fishing in the rowboat , so it was quiet inside . She came back as I was looking on the computer and letting my food settle a bit before going out for a jog . We visited , and I offered her to go with me , riding my bicycle . She thought that was a good idea . I went out and got the bicycle and helmet out of the garage for her . We warmed up and went out . I had a nice jog / run , and it was just lovely . I enjoyed having someone to have a conversation with . Back at the Jacque Cabin , we heard Bruce whistling coming up the driveway . We visited a bit while I cooled off , then I excused myself and went in to shower . After a light lunch , we went down to the Goodwin Cottage to go sailing . Diane and I went out with Bruce on Spindrift , while Jim was out on the Sunfish . The wind was fun , the sun was just right , and a good time was had by all . We were out about 2 hours , making it about 6 when we came in . Diane and I walked back to the JC , fixing dinner , making phone calls , etc . After a bit Bruce showed up again ; we 3 walked up to the village and back , picking up flashlights and going on down to the GC , where Polly had a fire going . Tom , Jim , Polly , Ann , Diane , and I enjoyed a lovely fire complete with S ' mores . No music , though . I guess we need to bring instruments . . . . The fire burned down , the guys drifted inside , the girls picked up the outside , and Diane and I headed home in the full moon light . We had a good walk home , then did a " flashlight walk " along the seawall , seeing a few minnows , a small crayfish and an even smaller crayfish with it . When we came inside , Diane drifted off to bed , I wrote herePosted by I slept fair - - and when the radio came on I hoped the phone would ring also to let me stay home . No such luck . Up and at ' em . I got ready to go , but with Daniel up in the morning , too , I find that sharing the morning takes a little longer . I didn 't get my suitcase packed to go up north tonight . No big deal - - I 'll do it when I get home . A safe drive down , thank you God , and the shuttle was there to take us over . ( I 've been pretty lucky lately with that shuttle . . . ) We had a quick start in the morning and it continued all day . As the day went on I saw that I wouldn 't be able to leave early . That 's ok , it 's a scheduled day and I had planned to work anyway . We were able to leave on time , though . A safe drive home , thanks again , and Daniel was home when I got there . We chatted a little , and I started getting things together . Again , it takes me a little longer when someone else is around . I was ready in an hour . I loaded the car and shared hugs and kisses and was on the road at 9pm . I had a good drive up , thanks again , arriving just after midnight . My cousin Diane was here , in bed sleeping , but she woke and got up to greet and help me unload . We visited briefly and she went back to bed . I finished unpacking , got out the computer , and wrote here . I 'm so thankful to be alive and healthy . And to be able to be at The Lake . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I woke about 2 : 30 this morning . You know the kind of waking up when you remember something and your eyes pop open ? ? I was thinking about going to work and realized I hadn 't washed my scrubs for work . I quietly got up , gathered the clothing , started the washer , and went back to bed . I can put them into the dryer when I get up . I went back to sleep . 0430 . Ugh . Out of bed . Oh yeah , put the clothes in the dryer . So I did . Breakfast , and Daniel was up , too . The lighter weight clothes were dry , and before I left the rest of them were , too . Off we go . A safe drive down in the still - mostly - dark morning , thank you God . The shuttle was there when I pulled in and drove us over . We had a very good day on the " overflow " unit . Our patients all left by 3 pm , and so did the other nurse that I was working with and myself . I was happy to leave early . I got home and realized I was tired - - I was surprised that I slept just over an hour this afternoon . Daniel got home after 5 . We visited a bit , and when he was in the shower I checked email . My cousin passed this afternoon of brain cancer . 57 years old . Master of music , could make many different instruments sing , as well as record and produce and teach . He was also a pioneer in Audio Forensics . I have only seen a good side to him . I 'll miss him . What a gift he was . The funeral will be Friday in Colorado . I 'd like to go , and could , but really don 't want to travel by myself . Anyone want to go with me ? ? I went to Meijer to get a few things and came back . Daniel was playing with the ringtones on his phone and had also started a load of whites . I had a bite to eat and wrote here . He 's drifted off to bed now and the white clothes are finishing drying . Tomorrow is a workday , and I want to go up to the lake tomorrow night . It will be a long day , but I much prefer to wake up there as opposed to getting up and driving the next day . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Dan got up and went to work ; I went back to sleep , waking about 0845 . Ugh . Time to get up . I got ready , had breakfast , and headed out to Saginaw area for the Gushen Reunion . We had a good turnout , maybe 40 ? I 'm not a good judge of " people numbers " . The weather was mostly sunny , a light breeze , and low 70 's . In the pavilion it was almost cool . I enjoyed visiting with folks I only see once a year and don 't know very well . And of course , the wonderful food . Yum . I had a nice drive home , too , and Daniel had just gotten home , too . He had another very busy day , and was looking at his collection of dark suits , as the Uniform Department doesn 't have his suits in yet . Well , they have come in , but they 're ill - fitting and he won 't accept them . One of the jackets he had was terribly wrinkled ; we tried pressing it with a damply wet towel over it for steam , but that didn 't work too well . So he wanted to go to Target and get a fabric steamer . We did , and found one . Next stop , Bob Evans . ( I know , I just had a half sandwich and side salad ) Then home . He got the steamer out and started using it , but he had a few other things he wanted to do this evening , so I offered to do the steaming . It was slow , but it worked . The jacket looks very nice . He spiffed up his shoes , and has been on the phone with tech support for the new telephone he bought for well over an hour to get it set up . I checked email and wrote here , and I 'm about off to bed . Tomorrow I 'm scheduled to work . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Dan got up at an unbelievable 0300 this morning , staying up and getting ready for work . I think he was excited about the first " real " day - - the casino was opening to invited tribal members only . I , of course , went back to sleep . I was just waking when my phone rang - - it was Lauretta , the girl who cuts my hair . She had a cancellation and wondered if I wanted to come in earlier , 11 : 15 or so . Yes ! ! The visitation for Miss B 's mom was only from 12 - 1 , with the funeral at 1 , and my hair appointment was at 12 , so I was going to be late . This cancellation puts me at the church just after 12 . Thank you , God , for taking care of me . So I had to get up then . I got ready , taking a change of clothes so that I don 't have little hairs all over me . Lauretta did a good job , as usual , and even rinsed my head after the cut . I got over to the church just as I thought I would . It was a very nice service , the first funeral I 've been to since my own mother passed . Kind of weird . I stayed for the luncheon , leaving around 3 : 45 . At home , I called Dan , who had called just as I was getting into Michigan Center this morning , wanting me to send him something by email that was on his computer . He hadn 't left work yet ( surprise ) , so he walked me through getting into his email and sending it . While waiting for him to come home , I went in and played the piano . How nice ! Just after the Birthday Boy got home about 7 pm , Bre and Nick were here . That was a nice surprise to me , though Dan knew they were coming over . We visited a while , then I made nachos for us . That was yummy . I cleaned up the kitchen , and cut the pineapple and peaches for the fruit salad for the Gushen Reunion tomorrow . Dan fell asleep in the chair , Bre and Nick were doing something on the computer . When Dan woke up a minute he went on into bed . Bre and Nick left about 10 : 30 or so . I wrote here , and I 'll be off to bed soon , too . Thank you for reading . Hugs . |
All we wanted was the pool . It waited in the center of our apartment complex , sleeping beneath a blue tarp . Sometimes the wind snuck under the tarp and puffed it up as it passed , giving the pool an irregular , visible pulse . My brother and I walked by the pool every spring day after school . This was in 1988 . He would grab the gate 's bars and stare . I touched the bars too . I wanted the pool because I wanted whatever my brother wanted , whether anyone said I could have it or not . Now it was summer . School was out , the tarp was off , and the rest was up to our mother . We asked to swim every day after Memorial Day . Our mother hadn 't said yes yet . It 's too cold , she said . I 'm too tired . You just ate . We pressed her in every way we could . My brother was a real good arguer . A teacher once told my mother he would make a good lawyer someday , and in a city where there were more prisons than restaurants , that could be a good thing . We lived in Leavenworth , a city famous for its prisons . My brother and I could name all four . There was the county jail , where the local felons lived ; the women 's prison , where all the bad wives and mothers went ; and there was the juvenile correctional facility , home to the troubled young . But it was the federal penitentiary , stuck on a hill between Leavenworth and Fort Leavenworth , that loomed over everything . At school I 'd seen pictures of palaces of kings and queens . This prison was bigger than all of them . Tall walls of concrete a mile long . Layers of barbed - wire fences . Guards perched in scattered sniper towers , in case anyone tried to escape . This , our mother told us , is where the country 's worst wind up . This is what happens . She liked to remind us that when someone did something wrong , they were always punished , one way or another . And in our case , she said , living where we did , the punishment was always close . Waiting . " I 'll make you boys a deal , " my mother said one morning . The three of us were in the kitchen , sitting at our small square table . Sitting down , our mother towered over us . She was taller than most women , even minus her huge head of hair . But she was also very skinny , something she passed on to me . Random people told us we needed to eat . My mother leaned over her plate of french - toast sticks , waved us in conspiratorially . " If the temperature hits seventy - five , " she said , " then we 'll all go to the pool . " She got up with her cup of coffee and left the kitchen , not waiting to field any questions . A moment later , we heard her bedroom door close , and then nothing , though I knew if I crept up and put my ear to the door , I would hear the soft hum of her rotating fan . She always slept with it on , a habit from the days with our dad . It had been more than a year since our parents split , but we saw leftovers of our old life everywhere . A nasty washcloth , soggy under the sink , was actually our dad 's old tank top . A wineglass hidden in the cupboard at our dad 's duplex had the faint stain of our mother 's lips . If , when playing a game with my brother , I accused him of cheating , a tension stung the air . Our dad was a cop for the city , and had been since before I was born . He was a popular policeman , so popular that it was hard to go do something quick like get gas or groceries without a stranger stopping him for small talk . They would ask about a missing person , news of the latest escape , or , with head down and eyes to the side , about the possible leniency of the law . But our dad never appeared put out , not to the people anyway , and they really liked him for this . His boss was to retire any time now , and in their heads the people had already ordained my dad their next chief . Our mother never discussed our dad , other than to say , It 's Friday , go pack your bag . I guess she didn 't want us to know what she thought of him . There were times , though , when she was too tired or frustrated to filter her thoughts . One morning , for example , we were late to school because my brother spent too long getting ready in the bathroom . You 're ten , my mother said to him as she turned into the school parking lot . What do you care how you look ? God , you 're just like your dad . Another time , while walking downtown with our mother , we saw a picture of our dad on the front page of the local newspaper . But when we asked our mother if we could buy the paper , cut out the picture , and give it to our dad , she sighed and told us no . Believe me , she said , he already knows . It was normal for our mother to go back to sleep after breakfast . She did this when it was her turn to work the late shift at the golf course on post . She worked there six days a week and a lot of those days she worked nights too , manning the pro shop while Army men , reluctant to return to their tiny quarters , hit bucket after bucket at the driving range . If she wasn 't home by our assigned bedtime , my brother and I dragged our blankets to the living room to camp out for the night . We borrowed couch cushions and made a makeshift bed on the floor , next to the box fan . We tucked ourselves in and slept close . We put our plates away and started dialing Time and Temperature . My brother said , " You can dial first because you are the youngest . " Time and Temp was the only number I was allowed to dial . I had it memorized . I grabbed the phone off the wall , stretched the cord to the floor , and dialed . The tone purred once before the robot lady answered . She said hello to me and that the time was too early , the temperature too low . I waited three minutes and tried again . This was our plan . After ten disappointing dials , I pulled the phone out of the kitchen to see what my brother was doing . I caught him on the couch , looking at the naked ladies in our mother 's encyclopedias . The encyclopedias were an anniversary gift to my mother from my dad . Before they had separated , my mother often talked about going back to school to become a teacher . She was a big fan of history , she once told me , of learning from the mistakes of the past , including her own . I couldn 't think of a way to argue with him . My brother was older than me , by twenty - two months , a fact he was always throwing in my face . And it was a book , something about the human body . But the lady pictured , who was half skin , half insides , looked too much like our mother , making me uncomfortable . Her fully skinned half was model beautiful with blond hair . She had big blue eyes , twig legs like me . I hung the phone up and went over to my brother , sitting with the book on his lap . I sat next to him so our knees touched , and looked at the lady . She wasn 't looking back . Her face was turned to the side , flushed with red . I could see one breast . My mother must have woken to the loud thumping . She came into the living room and saw my brother giving a cushion a flying elbow drop off the couch . I was in the kitchen with a beach towel tied around my neck like a cape . I was doing a running man dance . The phone was in my hand . " Stop , " my mother said . " Have you lost your mind ? " She had a hand in her big hair . I gave her the phone and let her hear the robot lady speak . " You guys , you 're going to hate me for this , but I 'm just too tired , " she said . I stopped running in place . My brother stood on the couch with his shirt off . " There 's nothing to understand . We need a new weatherwoman . " My brother jumped down . " It was only supposed to get up to seventy , " our mother said . She held the phone by its cord now . The receiver banged the floor . " And I have to work tonight . " " I can take him , " my brother said , " if that 's what this is all about . " I pushed my face deeper into the crack between the couch cushions . My eyes were open but everything was black . There was a pause . " Hmm , " my mother said . In the blackness I could almost hear her think . " How old are you ? " she asked my brother . " But I 'm old for my grade . Plus I 'm smarter than the other kids at school . When the teacher has to leave the room , I 'm the one put in charge . " " I don 't care about those kids , " my mother said . " This is you and my baby boy we 're talking about . Will you keep your eye on him ? " " Yes , " my brother said . " He 's my brother . " This statement made me smile . I lifted my face out of the cushions . My mother looked like she wanted to give in . " Fine , " she finally said . " But in for dinner before it gets dark . " We nodded . I could hear the phone 's dead dial tone , beeping at us like a quiet alarm . Our mother picked up the receiver and pointed it at us . " You guys watch out for each other , OK ? " It was just us at the pool . This was not a rare thing , though when we first moved to the complex late last spring , our mother had promised we would make new friends . She said there was a field behind our building , a nice open space good for any game . But the day we arrived , all we saw were hints of kids . A turned - over tricycle , flat - tired in the grass . A frayed jump rope , hung from an unreachable branch . All signs of potential , long - gone friends . When we asked our mother , she said they must have moved to the new complex that opened up the town over . When we asked why we couldn 't stay in our old house , she told us to figure out a way to afford it . Plus , she said , sure that place was nice , but there was no pool . As soon as we were through the gate I ran and jumped into the water like a crazy person . My brother took his time . He walked to the diving board and pulled out a list of aerial moves brainstormed over spring . They had names like the Jellybean ( a balled - up boy rolled headfirst off the edge ) , the Secret Serviceman ( a bullet - stopping sideways dive ) , and the Elántra ( to be determined ) . The water was not warm , so the first half hour we spent getting our bodies used to it . The second we played monkey see , monkey do . My brother did moves he knew I could safely do in the shallow end of the pool . " Yes , " my brother said , " me too . " He was on the diving board , deciding what move to do next . The sky behind him was blue , the same as the pool , and my brother smirked as an idea dawned . But when he was ready to jump , a siren sounded . " I don 't think we should worry . I 've heard it louder before . " I said OK and watched him cannonball off . I crossed my legs Indian style and went underwater , sinking myself to the bottom . There I pretended I was having tea with a stranger . I opened my eyes and saw my brother blurred underwater , still grasping his knees into a cannonball . When we popped up the siren was no longer sounding . Regular pool activities resumed . My brother asked if I wanted to race . Most races began in the shallow end and required the racer to do something like hold one leg and hop to the border of the deep end and back . The loser received a playful dunk as reward . The winner got to gloat . My brother was doing a victory underwater handstand when a cop ran by . " Was it Tony ? " Tony was the cop who would sometimes drive by our apartment , give us knockoff baseball cards . I liked to think that my dad sent him , to check on us when he couldn 't . My brother spun in the pool , looking around , but there was nothing to see . It was like nothing had happened . " I guess it means we 're safe . " We were having so much fun that I wanted to believe him . For caution , we agreed that we would go in ten minutes early . This would make our mother proud . She would realize that my brother and I were responsible , that we were capable of good judgment . We could take ourselves to the pool every day if we wanted , not have to tag along with her to work . We could spend our summer like this . The shed was far from the pool , next to the woods . Our complex was at the edge of the city and was bordered by woods on three sides . I always thought of the woods as the deep end of the nonpool world and avoided going into them . My brother was the one who retrieved an overthrown ball , a misbehaving boomerang . I tiptoed my way back to the sidewalk to avoid the grass . I had to watch my feet to do this . When I looked up , I saw a man talking to my brother at the pool . At first I thought it was Rick , an ex - con my mother worked with at the golf course on post . Rick was the meanest person I knew . He always made fun of my brother and me , and when he took us on long rides in his special golf cart , whose engine he had messed with to make the cart go faster , Rick would do this thing where he would pinch our entire thigh with his thumb and pointer finger . We called it the Rick Pinch . We never knew when it was coming and could never be at ease . But the man was not Rick . This man had a smoother , whiter face . He probably didn 't smell of gasoline and grass like Rick always did . The man sat on the edge of the shallow end with his jeans rolled up . His legs were hairy and his toes skimmed the water 's surface like mosquitoes . I didn 't want to walk very fast to this man and my brother , but the cement was hot . I sat by my brother and cooled my feet in the pool . " Hi , " I said . I kept my head down , focused on my feet . I wished my brother would tell this man to go to the deep end . Sorry , he could say , we 're using this end for racing . Just us two . " Man , " Chris said , " this sure is the place to be . You guys have it made , don 't you think ? " My brother agreed , and Chris started talking about how much he missed the pool . How it was good to be back and why did he ever leave this in the first place ? My brother smiled and said he didn 't know . It was pretty great . I didn 't want to deal with this , so I went underwater . When I opened my eyes I saw my brother 's legs next to Chris 's legs . Chris had a tattoo on his left ankle . Some symbol or shape . I couldn 't tell what it was . My lungs started to burn , so I floated to the top . " What does your tattoo mean ? " I said . Chris and my brother turned to me . My brother seemed mad that I 'd interrupted . He always said I asked too many dumb questions . " Can 't , " Chris said . " Not unless we 're friends . What do you say , little man ? Want to be my friend ? " I nodded instantly . I did not like the idea of being left out of a secret kept by my brother . " Good , " Chris said , " but let 's hear you say it , so the whole world can witness . Go ahead , say you 're my friend . " I looked at my brother , who shrugged one shoulder as if to say hey , why not . " Well , little man ? " " Are you looking for spies ? " I said . I also had a problem where I said the first thing I thought . My brother looked at me like I was a new breed of idiot . " Yes ! " Chris said in a loud whisper . " We don 't want this getting out , do we ? " I shook my head . " OK , " Chris said . He put his finger on the symbol , parting the wet hairs around it . His nail looked chewed on , dark with dirt underneath . " Well , the first thing you need to know is that it 's Chinese . " There was a disappointing pause . A pool pump clicked on . " That 's all he told me , " my brother said , " and I pretty much already guessed that . " " Hey , guys , " Chris said . " This thing hurt . It 's a part of my body . I 'm not going to give it away for free . " I began to float on my back . Water found my ears , wooshed sounds around . I knew as much as my brother and no longer cared what the rest of the symbol meant . Chris laughed . " I don 't want your money . I have my own means . " I swam to the side , hung off the shallow ladder . Chris wiped the sweat from his forehead . " Man , is it supposed to be this hot ? " " Is that right ? " Chris said . " Hmm . You know , my mother used to give us something special on days like these . You know those popsicles that come in plastic strips ? You ever have anything like that ? " " You do ? " Chris said . " Let 's do this , then . How about one of you gets us some treats , and when you get back , we 'll all share . You share the popsicles , I 'll share my secret . " Chris raised his hands like he was being held up . " No , no , no . That won 't work . If both of you leave , I 'll get lonely . I need someone to keep me company . Plus , I don 't live here . I 'm not allowed at this pool by myself . " My brother 's thinking face grew more serious ; lines showed up on his forehead . " He 'll go , " my brother said . " I 'll stay with you . " " It 'll be quicker this way , " my brother said . " You 're small and fast . I 'll be right here . I 'm not going anywhere . " " I know , " I said , standing up . Chris 's sigh changed into a smile . The sun beamed on his face , coloring his teeth yellow . Inside our apartment , my feet were quiet on the carpet . I got down and crawled into the kitchen , like an Army man . I stood up at the fridge and hoped my mother wouldn 't hear when I opened the freezer and ripped three popsicle strips out of the box . When I stepped out of the kitchen , I saw her sleeping silently on the couch . She was still in her robe , which hung loose off her chest and shoulder . I took a few steps to see if she had her swimming suit on , if she had changed her mind and planned to keep her promise . I couldn 't tell until I was at the arm of the couch . From the side , I got a good angle into her robe . I saw the curves of her body . She had nothing on underneath . By the time I got back to the pool , my body was dry and cold , and my palm was nearly numb from the popsicles . My brother opened his blue one with his fingers ; Chris and I ripped ours with our teeth . We did not talk while we ate . We kept the plastic strips in our mouths and pushed the frozen chunks up from the bottom like toothpaste . For the first time , I was able to stare at Chris . His hair was a lighter version of my dad 's . It was dirty blond and long enough that he had to brush it off his forehead . His body was thin and pale , like his face , but not so skinny that his ribs showed , like mine did . He scratched the trail of hair on his stomach , and I wondered if his hands were rough or not . " Will you tell us about the tattoo now ? " my brother said . Chris was leaning back in the pool chair . He sat up after a few seconds , his face scrunched up in pain . He put two fingers to his forehead , between his eyebrows . Chris didn 't answer . He dropped his popsicle wrapper and a small breeze took it . Now he had both hands on his head . He pulled his hair and yelled , " Ah ! I got the brain pain ! " Chris yelled again in response . His mouth stayed open in pain , showing all the fake red inside , outlining and tinting his teeth . Then , suddenly , he stopped moaning and spit a red pool . My brother and I looked at each other , confused . My brother sat back down . " The tattoo , " he said . He looked at Chris like he looked at me when we were running someplace and he had to stop and wait for me to catch up . Chris stood up and shook his head like a wet dog . " Yes , he did . But what have you ever done for me ? " Chris looked away from both of us and into the woods . My brother didn 't respond . I thought he was thinking of an argument . I knew he had an amazing one in him somewhere . It would be something Chris wouldn 't have an answer for . Chris would open his mouth to say something back , but his brain wouldn 't be able to help . He would apologize and have to tell us what we wanted to know . We would hear what the tattoo meant , say big deal , and return to our mother , victorious . " No , this is something else . " Chris stepped toward us . " This is my secret pool move . " He lowered his voice and looked at each of us seriously . " You want to see it ? " My brother glanced at his list of moves , pinned down by a pool chair , the names written in big bubble letters . " You guess . Well , OK , then get ready . " Chris ran around the pool and jumped on the diving board . He lifted both of his hands to the sky and yelled , " For the Gainer ! " My brother and I stayed close to each other . The sun shone on Chris , who with his arms raised looked like one of our dad 's old softball trophies , now boxed away in the dark part of his basement . We watched Chris unbutton his fly and drop his jeans . It was the first time I had seen boxer shorts in person . They were as white as his body , and I felt like I should look away , but I didn 't . I was eager to see the move , to be there when the secret was revealed . Chris stepped to the edge of the board and rubbed his hands together . A V of birds glided the sky , calling out to one another . Chris took a step back and raised his arms like he was holding a rifle . He mock - shot each bird , one after another , pow ! bursting from his lips . " Don 't want them telling their little bird buddies , do we ? " he said , and laughed . He stepped to the edge again . " OK , " he said , and took a deep breath . " Here we go . " I grabbed my brother 's arm , and we watched as Chris bounced once on the board and sprang into the air in a motion we had never seen before . He jumped forward but did a backflip , his body somehow upright as he entered the water . There was a big splash . When it died my brother and I looked at each other like what was that . I wanted to say that that was the most amazing thing I had ever seen . A large fly drummed my ear as we stood by the shallow end , waiting for Chris to pop up . After a few seconds , we started to worry . Maybe that super move had taken everything Chris had . Maybe he was a goner . My brother fast walked to the deep end . He got up on the diving board and peered into the water below . The trees shook . My brother looked at me like he was about to do something he didn 't want to do . " I 'll be right back . " He put his arms out to the side , ready to dive . But as he took the final step to the board 's edge , Chris 's head popped up . He shot water from his mouth like a fountain and turned to my brother . " Forget the tattoo . This is bigger than that . You get this down , nobody will mess with you . Can 't you see that ? " My brother appeared unconvinced . " Fine , " Chris said . " Come here . " My brother walked away from me and stood next to Chris , who put his hand on my brother 's shoulder and whispered something into his ear . I watched my brother 's face change , saw him smile . Chris pulled away and my brother nodded . If a stranger were to drive by , they might think the two were father and son . " You 're not going to master it in one day , " Chris said , " but that 's OK . We got all the time in the world , my man . None of us are going anywhere . " Our mother never came to the pool . The rest of that day my brother worked on learning the Gainer . Well , Chris made him work on the front dive first . He said my brother had to crawl before he could walk , which meant he had to dive before he could flip . I watched from the border of the shallow and the deep , and throughout the day , stepped closer and closer to where my toes could no longer touch . On our way home , my brother and I walked side by side . My towel was wrapped around me like a skirt . My brother 's hung on his shoulders like he was a prizefighter . " OK . " My brother waved me to the door . He cupped my ear and whispered what the tattoo meant , but I didn 't know what that word was . I asked him to explain . He stood up straighter . He said , " You 'll understand when you 're older . " Tags : 2017 Literary Awards , 2017 PEN / Robert W . Bingham Prize , book excerpt , Cote Smith , debut fiction , Hurt People , Hurt People excerptGenre : Fiction Like this page ? Share it . Join PEN America Today |
Posted on June 16 , 2017 by lauramckillipwood 1 I 've been in storms , but tonight … this storm beats them all . The two oldest kids had a band performance scheduled for 7 : 30 , so we made our way over to the stadium where we were supposed to watch it . By the time we got there , it was raining a little , and they had cancelled the performance . Andrew and I decided to wait in the car until the kids finished practice . We had books , as all good nerds do , so we were completely satisfied just to sit there and read . We 'd been sitting in the car about 20 - 30 minutes when the sky got really dark . The rain started pouring , and the wind picked up . I called Hannah to tell her not to come outside , and at about the same moment she picked up the phone , the wind got so bad that I basically yelled " Stay inside ! Don 't come outside ! " and hung up . Andrew told me to get out and run inside . Forgetting all about the running car , he got out . I reached over and turned it off and we started running into the building . The tornado sirens were so loud ! I 've never heard them up close like that . I guess their close proximity combined with the extreme wind made me think the sirens were instead a tornado ( you know how they always say tornadoes sound like a train ? ! I guess tornado sirens do , too ! ) . I kept yelling , " That 's an actual tornado ! " a fact that probably freaked out my southern - born husband . About halfway into the building , the wind blew me so hard from behind that I actually felt my feet start to leave the ground a little ! Before I knew it , I was lying on the wet grass ! I looked over , and Andrew was , too ! We managed to get to our feet , despite the extreme wind pushing us from behind , and scramble the rest of the way into the building , holding onto each other the whole way , just in case . I looked at Andrew when we got into the high school . He had no glasses on his face ! I thought to myself , Whew ! I 'm glad I still have my glasses … wait a minute … why can 't I see anything ? I lost mine too ! The wind blew us down AND blew the glasses off our faces ! ! We hurried down the hall to the band room to find our kids . We managed to find them , found a safe hall to sit in , and waited out the storm with all of their bandmates . I was afraid we 'd have to get Hannah to drive us home because neither Andrew nor I had our glasses , but we actually managed to find both pairs on our way out . In the grass , not far from where we fell . Along with the keys to my office , which , hey , I didn 't even know I 'd lost ! I could spend some paragraphs comparing storms to problems in our lives and how God works it all out and yada yada yada . I 'm not doing that . I 'm sure you can figure it out yourselves . What I will say is in a moment like that what I wanted most of all was to find our two kids . Once we found them and saw them safe , I just felt extreme relief that kid # 3 was in Hawaii with my mom and sister and not home alone or something ! Oh my ! At least she was safe ! And when it was all said and done , when we drove home , we saw the downed trees and branches and neighbors spilling out onto the street and I suddenly felt such an appreciation for the people in our life . We 're safe and dry , and we even saw a nice rainbow on the way home ! Posted on May 13 , 2017 by lauramckillipwood Reply Seven years ago , these three were pretty cute on Easter morning . A few weeks ago , a local organization , Papillion Parent , asked me to write an essay to read at a fundraiser they were hosting . The instructions simply said , " to write [ a ] hilarious or heartfelt 3 - 5 min essay about motherhood and read it out loud at the event . " Last Sunday night was the night . Since Andrew and the kids went to Hannah 's final band concert / awards ceremony , I asked a couple of friends to go with me . We enjoyed an evening outside at a local hangout listening to moms writing about their different perspectives on parenting . I loved spending time with them and meeting other writers and moms from the area . Before the birth of my first child , I showed a coworker an ultrasound picture and told her I 'd decided to quit my job to stay home with the baby . She asked if I 'd be doing any freelance work . I answered that I 'd need to see how I felt about freelancing when things went back to normal . She laughed and said , " Honey , things are never going back to normal . " What did I expect motherhood to be ? I 'm pretty sure that whatever I may have thought it was going to be , it hasn 't really been that . When my husband kissed me goodbye and drove away the first day he went back to work after our daughter 's birth , I sat in a silent house holding a tiny stranger and listened to the sound of nothing . I felt overwhelmed . Somehow I adjusted , but it wasn 't without a struggle . My daughter was born on New Year 's Eve , and I spent that entire first winter in the house , seeing few people , and crying at 6 : 30 am because I hadn 't slept and knew I had 12 more hours to care for her before I could put her to bed again . I stood in the living room , holding her and peering out the picture window in hopes of seeing the mailman 's footprints in the snow because that would mean I could check the mail . Maybe there 'd be news from the outside world for me ! A hunting magazine or Field and Stream or ANYTHING would do ! Or maybe even I 'd get to talk to the actual mailman . Imagine that ! My second child , a boy , really didn 't talk until he was about two years old . I worried constantly that I wasn 't giving him enough opportunities to talk or wasn 't talking to him enough to teach him properly . Of course , when he started talking , he spoke in complete sentences . The first words I remember hearing from him were " I want to pinch your neck " . Guess we know what he was thinking all those months . Maybe he wanted to perfect his language skills in his head before trying them out ! After the birth of my third baby , I was so tired that I fell asleep sitting up in bed while holding her . I woke to the sound of her crying and the sight of her lying on the hardwood floor next to my bed . I had dropped my sweet newborn ! After a trip to Children 's Hospital , wandering around in the dark forever trying to find it while she slept , I felt reassured that she was fine , but I 've never truly been the same since . My understanding of " normal " has changed many times over the last decade and a half . I hear people tell moms to cherish those baby and toddler days and hold onto every moment , but I 'm going to tell you that I have mostly been relieved when one stage passed and we could speed on to the next . Now that they 're older , though , I love seeing my kids become interesting , funny and articulate people . I look forward to seeing them as adults . I can hardly keep up with their almost - adult schedules , but I love watching them live them . This year they were still sweet on Easter morning ! As a mom of teenagers who is just about in the final stages of parenting children , I will say that these years are without a doubt my favorite so far . I can look at my son when I hear something funny and know he heard it , too , and we can laugh together at things that really are humorous . Not some I 'm - laughing - because - I - don 't - want - him - to - know - his - knock - knock - joke - wasn 't - really - funny kind of funny , but a truly hilarious kind of humor . I can listen to my oldest daughter talk about her boyfriend and say " Oh yeah ! Can you believe guys do that ? " and really relate . And I can watch my youngest girl primp in front of a mirror and offer some outdated and unsolicited fashion advice . These are humans ! And they 're interesting and fun , and finally I can start to see that putting them in time out twenty times one afternoon when they were three was worth the effort . I have a confession about how much I needed reassurance when my kids were babies . I haven 't told anyone this . I don 't even think my husband knows it . I sometimes used to call the pharmacist in the 24 - hour - pharmacy near our house in the middle of the night . I didn 't do it to chat , although at times that might have been nice . I often didn 't really have a medical question . I called for reassurance that how I was treating my children 's illnesses or what I was doing for them was good enough . I only called a few times , but when I called he actually did give me reassuring advice . I wondered if he had a wife and kids at home and knew the uncertainty that parents of babies sometimes experience . Or maybe he was really bored because hey - 24 - hour pharmacy in the middle of the night . Somehow in the midst of all of the pressure and uncertainty of parenting young children , I began to come to peace with the fact that I was indeed messing them up . I also learned , though , that we 're all messed up and all parents do make pretty big mistakes of one kind or another . Maybe the real key isn 't raising kids without scars but teaching them how to heal . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by lauramckillipwood Reply A few weeks ago , a friend started a blog / website " to encourage young people who are still waiting for their life partner , or people who are just content being single , and the difficulties that entails . " She asked if I 'd like to contribute as a person who 's been there and knows what it 's like . Of course , I said yes ! I love stuff like that . I think loneliness is something we all struggle with at some point . Most people I know , whether married or single , feel a sense of loneliness at some time in their lives . You can read what I wrote here , but I think it 's also worth visiting her site because it 's pretty interesting and already full of stories and advice . Click here to go to her website ( Letters to Lonely Humans ) or keep reading for my letter to the lonely . I got married in my 28th year , which is late for a girl who went to Bible college . I graduated , moved halfway across the world , and lived on my own for four years . When I moved overseas , I came to terms with the idea that I probably wouldn 't ever get married . I didn 't really want to marry someone from another culture . I thought relationships had enough challenges without adding cross - cultural ones to the list , so I thought I had pretty much eliminated my chances of marrying . I really was ok with that . I had a lot of friends and a lot of support , and I decided I didn 't need a husband . During those years , I sometimes did get lonely . I taught elementary school , so my weeks were full of kids and lesson preparations . On the weekends , though , I had many hours alone . During school breaks , I had more than enough time to long for human companionship . I found ways to fill those needs with good friends and activities , but somewhere lurking in there I still felt a little lonely . In my fourth year , all of a sudden , an old boyfriend moved to the same country where I lived . Before I knew it , we were engaged ! I didn 't realize it then , but looking back I see a part of me believed that after I married him I wouldn 't be lonely anymore . Isn 't that how it 's supposed to go ? Find your soul mate ! Your life will be full of companionship after you marry him . He will understand everything about you and love it all . After our wedding , Andrew and I moved to a new city where neither of us knew anyone . Suddenly loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks . Andrew was quiet . Very quiet . Much quieter than I was . Too much interaction overloaded him . I needed other people , but I knew no one in my new place . I think most of the people I knew from before assumed we were in that honeymoon stage where everything is so wonderful that you don 't want anyone outside to bother you . My mom and grandma told me how relieved they were that now I had someone to be with me so I wouldn 't be alone so far away from home , but I felt more alone then than I ever had before the wedding . I 've been married nearly 18 years now , and I can say without a doubt that this has been a struggle nearly every one of those 18 years . I have begun to learn to expect less from my husband and to rely more on friends . I have started to learn that his need for solitude is a God - given personality trait that allows him to think deeply and understand things I will never understand . I have tried to learn that his quietness doesn 't mean he doesn 't love me and , in fact , has nothing to do with how he feels about me . I haven 't mastered those things , but I 'm working on them . Most of all , though , I have learned that loneliness is a human condition that is not resolved by other humans . Friends can dull the ache . A spouse can mask the effects . Children can keep you so tired you sometimes forget about it . Deep down inside , though , it 's still there . Loneliness is just part of being human and can remind me that my life isn 't complete here on earth . There 's something missing that other people won 't really ever completely fill . So for anyone reading this who feels lonely sometimes , I tell you the same thing I try to tell myself : don 't blame your loneliness on your situation . Don 't be angry at the ones you love for not perfectly filling your need for companionship . Let your loneliness point you to God , remind you that you 're never completely whole this side of heaven , and drive you to him for fulfillment . Easier said than done ; it 's probably a lifelong project ! Posted on January 22 , 2017 by lauramckillipwood 3 Today I was in a gas station with my 13 - year - old son , Alex . I heard an older lady talking to herself while struggling to use the ATM . She couldn 't figure it out and was getting really frustrated and anxious . I hesitated to help because I thought she might feel like I was going to take advantage of her , but then it became more and more apparent that she wasn 't getting it . I asked if she needed help and she said yes , she did , that since her stroke she 's had a hard time understanding things . She was appreciative of my help , very sweet and friendly . As we worked on it together , Alex came down the aisle on the other side of her . I saw her look at him and felt her pull back , fearful . I looked at him from her point of view : a tall young man , hovering nearby , trying unsuccessfully to look inconspicuous . Suddenly I realized the inconvenience of being a male in that situation . We talk about women feeling afraid , but what about men , even helpful men , who want to do something nice for an older lady but are seen as threatening ? I saw Alex and remembered my little guy who liked to cuddle and hug and play drums on the pots and pans , but she saw Alex as a man taller than she was , sidling up beside her to steal her cash . If only she knew that he looked at her slyly from the corner of his eye because he is shy and embarrassed and doesn 't quite know whether to talk to her or not . If only she knew that not long ago he stood in the living room hugging his big sister as she cried about the death of her guinea pig . If only she knew he has shaved fewer times than he can count on one hand and still feels nervous about going to the high school for band practice with the big kids since he is just in middle school himself . " Oh , that 's my son . Hey , Alex ! " I said , and she visibly relaxed . I won 't always be there to help the older ladies see him for who he is . I hope he can do that for himself . I don 't think he 'll have a problem . He 's pretty sweet . But I had just told him a moment earlier that if he heard someone struggling like that he had to think through whether to help her or not because she might feel scared that he was trying to hurt her . I know that because it 's happened before to his dad . Andrew has a particular appeal to older ladies . I don 't think he 's ever met a woman over the age of 50 who didn 't love him within minutes of meeting him . But once he was in a grocery store where an older woman was having a very hard time with the ATM . He watched , thinking about offering to help , when her friend appeared out of nowhere and started yelling at him . Accusing him of trying to steal the woman 's pin over her shoulder , she wouldn 't listen to reason . She called a security guard over . Finally , they worked it out , but I had to warn Alex of the potential for misunderstanding . How sad that we live in a world where a vulnerable person has to be suspicious of a 13 - year - old ! In a society where a kind man tries to be a gentleman and is punished for it or treated with suspicion , how can we teach our boys to make a difference to those in vulnerable positions ? We instruct our children the best that we can , but in a fallen world we must face the fact that even people who are trying to help others can be hurt or can hurt them inadvertently . The man who wants to help a woman , the friend who tries to protect her , the boy watching innocently as his mom assists someone . I 'm not sure a lot can be done about this , besides leading our children to care for others and be wise in the way they approach that caring , but I hope a consistently kind and loving , godly presence in society will somehow make a difference . I have to believe it will . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleEmailPinterestLinkedInTumblrRedditPrintMorePocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Children , faith , Family , Growth , Parenting | Beginning and Ending Posted on January 1 , 2017 by lauramckillipwood Reply It 's New Year 's Eve , and I 'm getting ready to make dinner . It 's a special dinner , as it is every New Year 's Eve , since it 's Hannah 's birthday dinner . I told a friend today that our New Year 's Eve is always pretty boring , except for that one New Year 's Eve when we had a baby . That one was pretty exciting . That particular New Year 's Eve , we were in the hospital early in the morning , and Hannah was born around 2 : 30 pm . We were supposed to go to a party with our small group from church , but instead we called them and told them we were in the hospital with our new baby . They all spent the night at their party and came to visit us in the hospital the next day . We were the first of the group to have a baby , so everyone passed her around , talking to her and cuddling her . Those are special memories . We had no idea how having a baby would change our lives . We had a cerebral knowledge that everything would be different , but we didn 't know how that change would feel on a day to day basis . I remember telling a coworker I 'd decide whether to do some freelance work " when everything went back to normal " after the baby was born . She just laughed and said , " Nothing is ever going back to normal . " How right she was ! The moment she settled her little self into my arms marked the beginning of the difficult process of thinking about someone else on a consistent basis . That moment ended my ability to live for myself while at the same time pretending to myself that I was living for others . This is something I never learned in Bible college , didn 't learn in ministry , had only begun to learn in marriage at that time . Each step in life has taken me deeper into the project of thinking about others , a huge endeavor to say the least , but the step into parenthood was like stepping off the high dive and jumping into the deep end of a pool of lava . Trial by fire ! I spent my whole childhood and young adulthood preparing for and doing ministry . I was 100 % in when it came to my work . I loved living overseas , loved teaching , loved the kids I worked with , loved my friends there . I loved it all ! Having a baby , we decided we 'd be staying in the US for a long time . We decided I would stay home with the baby instead of trying to find a job that paid enough to cover childcare . I guess I thought motherhood would be my thing , but over time I still missed other things . I had trouble figuring out what my niche was in this new state of affairs . Besides childcare , did I have a purpose ? For a long time , I struggled with this . I felt alone a lot , and I resented my husband for getting to go to work and sit in a quiet office where he did things like read books and write lesson plans . Alone . With hours and hours at his disposal and an endless career to feed . Gradually I got used to parenting , to thinking about children ahead of myself . Gradually I adjusted to being home with them , and eventually I did start working again . I earned a masters . I got jobs and now even have a career . Over time , I learned that being a mom can teach me more than I ever thought I could learn . I have learned a lot about sacrifice and trust . I 've learned about patience and how my words and actions affect others . I 've learned a lot . I 'd like to say I learned those things well . I 'd like to say I loved it all . I 'd like to say I didn 't struggle most of the time . I can 't say that , but I can say I 've made it so far , and I can say that now that they 're almost all teenagers I enjoy parenting . That 's something , right ? I love spending time with them and joking around . I like having intelligent conversations about truly important topics . I like sharing real insight and hearing theirs . I love seeing their interests and thinking about the people they 're becoming , wondering what they 'll do in their lives . I love those kids in ways that I could never have understood on that New Year 's Eve fifteen years ago . Today my girl Hannah got in a car and drove us to the mall . Legally . And today she planned her whole birthday , including that trip to the mall with a friend . Today she made herself a birthday cake for fun with her boyfriend . I listened to them laughing in the kitchen and smiled at the fun they were having . Maybe we did ok after all ! Posted on November 23 , 2016 by lauramckillipwood Reply Rebecca Waters and I met when she and my husband worked together at a university in Cincinnati . Andrew , the new guy on the faculty , had a tiny office / former closet in the basement of the girls ' dorm . Becky and some of the other professors , all women , had offices upstairs . I remember going to visit him and seeing them . They were always so sweet and friendly . We had just moved to back to the US and didn 't know anyone in Cincinnati , but they welcomed us . That 's the kind of women they were . Not long after we moved to Cincinnati , I came home from work , threw my keys on the kitchen table and went out the back door to read the mail while the dog ran around and did her thing . When I closed the sliding glass door , I heard the safety bar fall into place . I was locked out ! Andrew was 20 minutes away in class . I was six months pregnant , and it was 90 degrees out . Becky to the rescue ! She brought his keys to me on her way home from work that day . I remember taking our new baby Hannah , our firstborn , to visit Andrew at school . We walked past the classroom where Becky was teaching . She stopped class to look at our new baby , cooing over how sweet she was . I remember how happy she was to meet Hannah . If you 've got kids , you know how much you love anyone who loves your children . I also remember a Christmas party at her house . We somehow showed up an hour early . She met us at the door and let us hang out in her family room while she finished getting ready . And to think Andrew and I had been arguing about how we were running late on the way there ! Becky has gone her own way since those days , and so have I . She 's written a book and has a blog about writing , and I live in a different state . We don 't see each other anymore , but we keep in touch on Facebook . A while back , she asked me to write a guest post for her blog . I readily agreed . That post happened today . My husband and I both grew up in pretty conservative churches where we sometimes both got the idea that we were required to do certain things to maintain our status as Christians : read the Bible every day , invite people to church , volunteer for or participate in every event the church had to name a few . As an adult , I see the value of these things and I realize that my thinking as a child may have been black and white and not allowed me to fully understand the church 's teaching on these topics . However , I also understand that they 're not essential to my faith . For example , reading the Bible every day can give me guidance and help me know Jesus better , but if I don 't do that I am not somehow condemning myself forever . I may be cheating myself out of a deeper relationship with and understanding of God , but I 'm not less valuable to God because of that . A few months ago , Hannah came home feeling guilty because she hadn 't asked all of her friends to church yet . She 'd received instructions in Sunday school that every Christian should ask all of their friends and the people they come into contact with to church if they really cared about them ( at least that was what she understood the lesson to mean ) . I told her that the Bible never tells anyone to ask someone to church . I can 't think of any instances of Jesus telling his followers to invite their friends to the synagogue . Sure , they invited them to him , but they did that because their lives were changed from being with him , and they wanted their friends to experience the same radical love that Jesus had shown them . This is way more than just a perfunctory invitation to a church service . I told her that we show our friends Jesus by the way we act , the way we love others , the way we care about people who are in difficult situations . We talked for a long time about how our life makes a statement and can draw people in or push them away and how truly caring about a person is more important than inviting them to church . I told her I think that you only have probably one chance in our culture to invite a person to a church event , so you shouldn 't squander it at the very beginning by giving them the idea that you 're only being friends with them to add one more notch to your Bible belt . I also emphasized that when we do care about them this way , we earn the right to talk about things that are important to us , and we have natural opportunities to tell them about our faith . Not long after the Sunday school lesson and our discussion of it , her school let out early . In true junior high fashion , great swarms of students went down the street to our local Runza , a Nebraska fast food favorite . Of course , the place was packed with middle schoolers without parents . She and Alex waited a long time in line . When they finally got their food and sat down , Hannah noticed a group of kids causing a lot of trouble and making a mess of the place . After plenty of complaints , the manager came out and told them to leave . They mocked him and laughed at him , threw ice and food on the floor and tables . When they finally left , they stood outside the window and laughed at him as he cleaned up their mess . Hannah saw it happening and got up to help him . She picked up ice from the floor and wiped down the tables with a rag he gave her . When they finished , he thanked her and gave her two coupons for free meals . ( Note : Alex says he didn 't notice any of this happening , and , while that seems hard to believe , knowing the boy 's capacity for living in his own bubble , I believe it ! ) . Right about the same time , Alex , who had an obsession with Rubik 's cubes , had one at church . That day , a woman we know told him her brother loved Rubik 's cubes when he was younger and had one that was left solved at their mom and dad 's house . Sadly , her brother passed away in a tragic and unexpected accident as a very young man , and her mom kept the Rubik 's cube on a shelf to remember him . Unfortunately , a visiting kid grabbed the Rubik 's cube and messed it up , and her mom felt sad now that the reminder of her son was gone . Our friend from church asked if Alex would mind solving the cube if her mom brought it . He agreed , and a few days later we found ourselves at the store where the woman works , meeting her mother . As Alex started working on the Rubik 's cube , I watched him , 13 years old , just a hair taller than I am , at the very beginning of being a young man . I wondered how that mom felt when she looked at him . Did she remember her boy when he was that age ? I wished I had told him to give her a hug when he finished because I thought how nice that would be if I were in her shoes . Within a minute or two , he had solved it and handed it back to her . And lo and behold , with no instruction from me , he hugged her . Those two events , so close together , they hit me hard . I watched our two oldest children live out their faith right in front of me . They did what they could and used their talents and interests to right injustice and relieve suffering . Even though they didn 't invite anyone to church , offer to stop and pray with someone or quote Bible verses , they showed them what Jesus ' love means in action . Posted on March 5 , 2016 by lauramckillipwood 3 Yesterday I complained before leaving work because I had to take my youngest to open gym at the gymnastics place last night and would have to sit there for an hour and a half waiting on her to do her thing . Later that evening during open gym , my girl asked me to come in the gym and play with her . Apparently other parents were in there showing me up , so I dropped my book and went in to watch her balance on the balance beam and practice her moves ( and she was super cute and surprisingly athletic , if I can brag on her for a minute ) . While I watched and " helped " her , I snuck a few texts to a friend , commenting on how much lessons cost and how could we ever afford this ? And I dreamed about what I 'd do after all of the kids went to bed and the evening stretched out before me , free and open for Netflix or knitting or writing or whatever . Open gym was almost over , a fact I knew because I kept a watchful eye on the clock on the wall , when she lugged out a springboard thingy . Running down the lane leading to it , she jumped on it and sailed a few feet into the air in an attempt to do a cartwheel . She is actually pretty good at gymnastics and cartwheels , so I didn 't expect what happened next . She landed wonky on her arm , and I knew the night wasn 't going to end for a loong time . I ran over to her , all thoughts of time and clocks and what I 'd do that night after she went to sleep already vanishing . All I could see was that arm hitting the ground . I had flashbacks of another time I watched that little arm , a lot smaller that time , as she jumped from playground equipment at the age of four and landed on it the same way . That time she broke it , and I believed she had this time too . She looked up at me stunned and said , " It got black and I saw stars for a second . " And it hurt a lot . My little girl 's pretty brave , but by the time she got to the car she was crying , and I headed toward the emergency room . She held up well . She put ice on it . She looked at the aquarium in the waiting room and exclaimed about how much it looked like Finding Nemo , which it did . In triage , the nurse asked her how much it hurt on a scale of one to ten with ten being " I just got hit by a semi truck . " She said seven . I was surprised . She didn 't seem to be at seven pain level , but maybe she hid it well . She asked about shots . Would she have to get a shot ? The nurse said , " You won 't have to get a shot unless you need surgery , and then they 'll give you an IV . " All fear of shots left her as she looked at me in panic and said , " I might have to have surgery ? ! " A couple of hours and some x - rays later , and it turned out to be a pretty bad sprain . No surgery . No shots or IVs , a fact that relieved her greatly . She did get a splint and instructions to follow up with an orthopedist in five days just in case they missed a break . Today she proudly showed her arm to her brother and sister and explained what happened . They were in bed at the time and didn 't know we even went to the ER . She secretly told me that even though surgery would have been horrible , it would have been a good way to get some extra attention . My response : " Girl , if you need attention , I 'll take you out to ice cream ! You don 't have to get surgery ! " As I lay down in bed last night at 1 : 00 am , I realized I 'd done none of the things I 'd planned . I 'd had no free time . I 'd watched no Netflix and knitted no scarves . I thought of how fast things had changed . In that one 30 - second time span , I stopped caring about how much I accomplished and whether I had any time alone . All thoughts focused on my daughter , with a few stray thoughts thinking how much will this cost ? ( I know , I know , I 'm materialistic and petty . ) But as I drifted off to sleep , I also thanked God that it was only a sprain . Not a break . As Emma said , " I could have landed on my head ! " How quickly things can change . Thank God it was only a small change ! Posted on February 18 , 2016 by lauramckillipwood 1 Today the sun came out and the air warmed up . And by " warmed up , " I don 't mean the arctic blast from the past few months turned into simply a less Arctic - y blast . I mean it warmed up . It is currently 64 degrees outside . I rolled my windows down in the car on the way home from work and didn 't turn into an ice sculpture . In Nebraska in February , that 's saying something ! The weather alone serves as reason for happiness today . It promises spring , which , at this point , can 't be too far away . In addition to that , though , I had a good thing happen . A few weeks ago , a representative from the Archdiocese of Omaha contacted me and asked me to write a guest post for their school blog ! Today I found that had been published . If you 'd like to read it , click right here . It 's about homework and perspective and balancing activities and family time and school work . You 'll love it ! Posted on January 20 , 2016 by lauramckillipwood 3 Today I started feeling like everyone 's life is a mess . Do you ever do that ? Just start thinking about people you know and realize that just about everyone 's got something big they 're facing . And by " big " I mean potentially life - altering : relationship problems that just don 't end , debilitating depression , gender identity issues . This afternoon I started thinking about these things and about how life is more often than not pretty complicated and messy , and I told my friend , " I just want to go back to the time when everybody 's lives were happy and OK . " I can 't do that because , of course , that time doesn 't really exist . We just think it does when we 're young and we haven 't lived long enough to have enough people open up and share their secrets with us , when we don 't realize that everybody 's struggling in some way with something . I was thinking about that this evening when I saw a Facebook post asking people to share their fondest memories . I shut my eyes and started thinking what I 'd write if I were going to share . I have to admit , it took a while to get past the obligatory days : my - kids - were - born and wedding day , but as I pondered it I realized I have an awful lot of fond memories . Just typing all that out , just the fifteen minutes it took me to think those up , turned around how I felt . Life stinks in a lot of ways , but , man , there are some good things about it . The next time I lament giving up my alone time to be with someone else , I hope I remember how all of those things in my fondest memories list were done with other people ( well , one was a dog , but maybe that sorta still counts ) . My friends and family make my life worth sorting out the rough parts ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . The mages gathered around him and forced into him the souls of past Archmages . They exercised the fiend from his arm . The darkness ; the black fiend straight from a nightmare was standing there , bigger than life . Cyrus , with his new found magic , pushed the three of us back and shielded us . Magic went flying everywhere . The ground shook , the sky darkened , everything was going to Hell . My father had always said that the fury of a wizard is a sight that most wish to never see . Cyrus fought and fought … With one great last assault he trapped the fiend into the earth and shattered the statue it created , but not intentionally . Under the strain of the other souls Cyrus 's body began to glow . In an instant , with a thunderous explosion … Nothing … Cyrus was gone … We went back to Talos , which was now safe from any threat . Cyrus 's parents would be safe . He would appreciate that . Mark began to play probably one of the saddest song I have ever heard come off of his violin . The day to rid Cyrus of the fiend is upon us . We will be marching to the site several miles outside of Talos beside him . May the divines help us . We made it back to Talos . Cyrus talked to the Archmage and got Lance and his mother room , board , and access to the college . Lance looks so much like Andy … On a more serious note , Cyrus told us that the Archmage and him talked about a way to remove the thing in his arm , and that in a week 's time they would try to get rid of it . The rest of us said we would be by his side . He didn 't argue , after a point . He told us that it 's not guaranteed to work , and that we could all die . I 'd rather die by a friend than to live as a coward . Mark had a great idea . A terrifically horrible idea . Mark suspects that the vampires would be in the restricted noble district and that we should look into it . As he distracted the guards , Sebastian , Cyrus , and I snuck into the area . We made it to Innistrad , and how the village grew . It was like walking into another Talos : we had to ask for confirmation that it was indeed Innistrad . Lance tried to show us where he used to live , but it was nothing but slums . We tried looking for her , but of no avail . We had Lance stay at the inn we found while we went and searched for her . Mark was the only one to come back with information : vampires . With everyone rested up from the victory and celebration of curing ourselves , Lance has asked if we could bring him home . Finally , after six months , he can go see his mother again . He looks so happy at just the thought of it … . We set out in the morning . We waited until sunset before going into the forest away from Redriver . I stopped at the hill where my father is buried and asked everyone to meet me there . I presented each of them with their gift , and the best part is that they all seemed to like the designs ! That was a relief going into the night . We went into the woods to drink the potion away from people . Lance was so brave . When we all drank it , we crashed to the ground . Next thing I remember is standing across from beasts that matched our curse , but we were cured ! Landella held an axe like mine . A fight ensued and I rushed her . She was not quite as competent with her fighting as she would have liked to believed , but when my axe split her in two I felt a tug in the back of my head and I awoke to see Sebastian , Cyrus , Mark , and Lance still out cold . The wait was torture , but they all woke up , thank the divines . Tomorrow is the night . Anticipation and excitement are competing to see which one will take the bigger hold of me . Try as I might I cannot get my mind off of Hiricine . I cannot wait to be rid of his beast and no longer his puppet , but as he 's a deity I can only hope that this potion will truly cure us from his hold . I have finally finished my project . Arthur has offered to help me polish and box them up in the morning so that they can be given as gifts before tomorrow evening . He praises them as my best work yet , but I still see so many faults with them due to the rush and lack of practice in so long . Hopefully the others will appreciate the sentiment even if their appearance falls sub - par . The potion is finally ready , but we 've been instructed to wait until the full moon which will not be for another few nights . In the meantime I will be finishing Sebastian 's dagger hopefully before we go and try to fight off our beasts . Arthur is very happy to see me working on my craft with such " eagerness and drive " as he called it . He 's been helping me refine and polish up the completed ones and has eased right back into his mentoring style that he used to take on when I was his apprentice . Those were much simpler days back then . Outside of the forge , Cyrus and Lance 's study sessions have been going well . Lance is learning a few supposedly basic spells , and he seems eager to learn more . Perhaps once this curse is resolved and he is reunited with his mother he can continue with his studies . He reminds me so much of Andrew … The potion to rid us of these beasts should be ready tomorrow . Hopefully this will be the last night I have to deal with scales and an unpleasant dragon . Being at the forge all day over the past week has helped , I think . She 's at least quiet while I 'm beside the flames . I 'm almost done with the daggers for everyone as well . I have the one for Lance , Mark , and Cyrus finished . Only the one for Sebastian remains to be completed . Marcel showed up today . Mother must have sent him a message . He came into the forge while I was working on Sebastian 's dagger and took a seat and listened to anything I would say , kind of like father used to . I asked him to stay until we had taken the cure , just in case , and if it went badly to kill me before I had a chance to hurt anyone . He agreed . He was more for it than Sebastian . He 's bunking at my house as he normally does . I 'm glad he 's here . I now have peace knowing that at least Redriver is safe if the worse should happen . I have started on a collection of daggers . Each dagger will represent on of us and our curse . I started with the one that is to be for Lance . It 's handle is a snake . The tail will wrap around a gem at the base , and the blade will seem to come from it 's mouth . It has been a while since I 've been at a forge . I 'm hoping this turns out well . We are back in Redriver . Landella is becoming more and more antagonizing . Mark went to drop off the ingredients and I went to the forge . The forge has always been a comfort to me ; hopefully it will bring me peace again . Mark reported back that it will take 8 days for the potion to brew and that we would be drinking it under the full moon . We arrived in Cliffport today . We took a teleport to Talos and just as we were leaving we ran into the one person I did not wish to see : my mother . She looked concerned , I couldn 't blame her . I told her that we had all the ingredients , but that we - I - may not make it . She hugged me . It reminded me of the hug she gave me when I first went off almost six months ago . It was warm , motherly . I hugged her the same and before she let go I whispered to her " good - bye . " I think that was the hardest thing I 've ever had to say , but just in case this doesn 't go well … She needed to know . 5 more days to Redriver , about a week for the cure . Almost there . It happened again . Landella took over , briefly . She 's much stronger than I would like , but I guess that makes her a worthier opponent in the end , right ? I hope so . When she took over this time though I sprouted full wings and a tail . This is not pleasant and cannot be good in any imagination of the word . It scared me so much that after a few moments when I recovered and was back in control I pulled Sebastian to the side . I asked him that if it should ever get too bad then I wanted him to put an end to it , by any means necessary . He said he would try and that is reassuring . We are waiting on Solomon and the boat now . Should only be a couple of days , I hope . My new appearance unsettles me , now that I am beginning to look more and more like a real dragon thanks to Landella . My friend 's seem so distant now . They have been handling me with kid gloves as it were . It hurts . They don 't seem to have faith or trust in me anymore . Not that I can blame them too much for that . It 's my fault for being so weak . If only I was stronger … So that was … unfortunate . Stupid dragon . Not the black one , but my dragon . I guess I should be clear . We won against the dragon and the orges . We did very well actually . After the dragon and first wave of orges , however , I became obsessed with the thought of having the dragon 's hoard . For myself . I tried to resist the urge knowing full well that it wasn 't me wanting it , but that it was simply the curse manipulating me . I failed to resist and ended up diving in the pool of acid for it and causing a confrontation with Mark , Cyrus , and Sebastian . I still owe them an apology . The worst , however , was yet to come . After we fought a small army of orges and were left with basically nothing left in us there were three orges left . These were different from the rest as they seemed to be the village leaders , and they demanded the dragon 's skull which I had claimed for myself to incorporate into my armor . Something inside of me just snapped at that and without much thought I charged the three of them on my own . Stupid , stupid idea . For my own self - preservation I put on Hiricine 's ring . Also a very stupid idea . I saw my body act of it 's own accord , and the dragon spirit that had been inside my body because of the curse was now walking around . I was powerless . Her name is Landella , the Ice Dragon . Or frosty tits if you ask Mark . Either way I was powerless for days . I could hear and see everything around me , but I had no control . It was terrifying . She now speaks to me whenever she wishes and is always talking down to me and repeating my own doubts back to me . I wrote a note yesterday and stuck it in Mark 's bag . I hope he finds it . The idea of going up against potentially so many enemies , though an exciting chance to test my strength and the strength and will of my comrades as well , I cannot help but to feel as if something horrible is going to take place . Just in case , I 've asked Mark in the note I left for him to tell my mother of my fate should I not come out of this alive . If I don 't make it , well , it was a good run I guess . Here 's hoping for the best . We came to the mountain this afternoon and saw the village that the map indicated . Sebastian went out to scout and reported that he would guess there to be about 60 villagers . 60 orges plus a dragon . After some discussion we decided to wait until morning before going into the mountain . Maybe , with some luck , we won 't have to face any of the orges . Last night was difficult to get through , for me anyway . The nightmares are getting worse and to make things even more terrifying is the fact that Hiricine entered it . He informed me that he didn 't want the gift of his ring to be thrown back in his face , or at least that 's what I took it to mean . It scared me awake . Mark was still awake and asked what was wrong , but I told him not to worry . What could he do anyway ? I do not wish for any of them to be placed into direct conflict with a god because of my inabilities . I 'm going to have to face this alone I fear . I turned 22 today . Though I find no reason to celebrate . It would just be another day , but the scar that this date tears on my heart is one that I don 't believe will ever heal . It 's been 12 years since the accident . Since my Andrew died . He was only 7 then . Unfortunately , being stuck on a boat for the whole day leaves one with their thoughts a lot of the time . I can 't help but to recall what happened and how I was so helpless to do anything to help him . He looks so much like Lance , I wonder if they would get along . I 've been sitting here on this cot crying most of the day . It hurts . The image of him looking up at me with those big , pleading eyes and his hand slipping out of mine as he fell to his death … I can 't shake the feeling that it 's my fault . That I 'm responsible . I was the oldest , I was suppose to take care of him , but I couldn 't . I could barely hold on . There was nothing I could do … Sebastian and Mark came in a little while ago . I was embarrassed that they caught me during one of my crying fits . It was somewhat comforting to know that they cared enough to check on me . I feel so weak right now . All this crying , the reflections , and now being unable to another young boy . Is this what is to become of me ? The one who swore to get stronger , to help others , and never be able to do so ? Taking a ship is a terrible idea . It 's an awful idea . There is nothing to do and we are to be trapped on this small tub in the middle of open water . There was a reason they had to knock me out for the voyage to the giant yellow spiders … . More of those dreams again last night . They come with more detail each time . I wonder what they mean , what there purpose is , and pray that this night I shall have restful slumber . Well , there is always a first time for everything and if I didn 't hear it I 'm pretty sure I wouldn 't have believed Mark . So , we were at breakfast and Sebastian was recollecting a dream he had for us when he suddenly swears , apparently remembering that he had seen Necroy before . I 'm not sure what I should be most surprised about . The fact that Sebastian had previously met the Duke of Mistgrove in a graveyard or the fact that he swore . Then again , considering what has been happening to our group , I don 't think anything will surprise me at this point . We left in a hurry following breakfast to go further south to find Solomon 's cabin . It wasn 't a terribly far walk . Solomon has agreed to help us if we clear up the water in the lake that is by Mistgrove . According to him , it has been tainted and if we want him to sail for us then we have to figure out the source and take care of the problem . After striking that deal we went back to Mistgrove and are now camped outside near the lake . We went and saw the Duke , Jacob Necroy , today . His chambers were … oddly decorated to say the least . Cyrus , being Cyrus , mentions the necromancy he sees and brings up polite conversation about it . I don 't know what gets into him anymore and I don 't even bother asking at this point . Cyrus will do whatever he feels like at the time he gets the notion to . Anyway , Necroy did say that Sebastian could look at the records and that he would send them over later . We thanked him for his time , but then he invited Cyrus to a private conversation to which Cyrus happily accepted . The rest of us , until Mark got impatient , were waiting outside . Cyrus came out and shared a little about the conversation and then mentioned how he gave Necroy a blood sample to work with . Blood contaminated with lycanthropy … What 's the worst that could happen ? To top this off , Mark and Cyrus went at it . Mark seemed really upset with Cyrus for trusting someone who deals in necromancy so easily and he took off . I waited up at the bar for a good bit of the night but he never returned , so I ended up searching the town for him . It was not until I went to look outside of the village did I hear his music and eventually see the tiny hut by the lake . I knocked on the door and asked him if he was alright and if I could join him . After reassuring me that he 's fine and letting me stay I entered the hut . Hopefully sleep will come quickly tonight . We arrived in Mistgrove this early afternoon . I accompanied Sebastian to the town hall as he wanted to know if there was anything remaining of the village that this one was built on top of . Unfortunately they had no records there but the Duke should have some in his private library . That is where we made our next stop at . The guards at the front gate halted us and told us to stay put while he went to see if the Duke was going to take visitors . He came back a short while later with an invitation for us to come back tomorrow afternoon at three . We are now relaxing at the inn until tomorrow . On the road today we came across a small shrine on the side of the road . Sebastian asked us to hold up for a few minutes as he prayed at it and placed inside the marker one of the stones that glows when music is played . Mark played a very somber melody , it fit the mood I guess . The marker is for Sebastian 's fallen comrade who was killed by orcs . There was a knock on the door last night . It was a young man who introduced himself as Jeremiah who was seeking shelter from the rainy night . As it turns out he is Simon 's nephew and is on his way to bring him a tool to help make the cure that we are gathering the ingredients for . I had an odd dream last night . I was being chased by wolves . Hiricine 's wolves . They kept chasing and chasing me and I barely escaped them . I 'm not sure what to make of this , whether I should be concerned about it or not . Sebastian seemed uneasy about it when I shared my dream with the others . I guess time will tell what it means . Today was productive at least . We arrived in Talos this morning and I followed Cyrus up to the mage 's college upon our arrival and we found out two things : there is only one place where black dragons reside and that place is Illsmarsh . I was then excused from the room while the arch mage talked to Cyrus . When Cyrus came out he , with a solemn look , informed me that there is a way to get that fiend out of his arm but there was a 60 % chance that it would kill him . We met up with the others for lunch at the tavern , exchanged information , and then planned to teleport to Cliffport to try and contract a ship to take us to Illsmarsh . We arrived in Cliffport and Mark , Sebastian , and I went to the docks while Cyrus went to the mage college here looking for information . The three of us had no luck . Cyrus did find out about an old sailor captain who sailed to Illsmarsh frequently who lives on Kale in a coastal town of Mistclove , so we teleported back to Talos and are here resting for the night as the unfavorable weather is keeping us inside . Today was very successful . We went into the woods , passing signs that warn against trespassing , and started making our way through them . Sebastian took to the air to scout and came back with large arrows in him and a direction for us to go in . We went northwest for a little ways before coming under fire from scouts . Sebastian and Mark into the woods after an archer while I stayed with Cyrus to attempt and take care of the other one , but he proved too skilled in making his way around in the woods and got away . We eventually made our way to the fortress that Sebastian had seen earlier . Mark went out ahead and stated that we cam in peace and just needed some crimson nightshade . After a brief conversation he came back for the rest of us and then we were all led to this massive great hall and were made to kneel before a throne . Sitting in this chair was , . I 'm guessing , the chief and next to him a beautifully made scythe . We explained to him the situation and he gave us three options : one of us had to join the town to replace the scout that had been killed , one of us had to die , or the strongest had to fight him and perhaps die . Cyrus almost volunteered to stay , until he found out it was permanent . I stood up and accepted his challenge . I don 't think the others were overly thrilled by this , but they were given the crimson nightshade and forced to leave . Mark threatened to kill me in the afterlife if I didn 't make it back . Glad to see that he cares . A fight ensued between the chief and I , and I won handily . I was kicked out and then got lost trying to find my way out of the forest . I met back up with the guys that were waiting for me where we camped yesterday . We traveled just a little bit away from the woods before making camp tonight . This morning was rather irritating . I got woken to be told that some of our belongings got stolen . How they managed to steal our things while we had someone on watch is beyond me . Tracks led in three directions : the woods , the water , and toward some caves . Mark went into the water with Sebastian flying overhead to make sure nothing got him while I followed after Cyrus who went toward the caves . Eventually we came across a camping ground of sorts and some kind of lizard folk . After a brief fight we collected our belongings and went back to our camp grounds for more sleep . We are going to wait until tomorrow until fighting the wolves so that our spellcasters can have uninterrupted sleep . We got back to Redriver today . We were just in time for me to see Marcel off . It was nice sharing a drink with him before he left . Sebastian went to Ms . Amanda , the weaver , to get silver threads woven into his hand - wraps . That will be useful when we go to fight the wolves when they are done in three days time . Today was uneventful , but something Sebastian said has been bothering me . According to him , and the others , I died during the Naga fight . I died . I don 't know what to make of it . I know Sebastian cannot lie , which is why it bugs me so much . Maybe he 's mistaken and thinks I died when I really didn 't . But the resurrection vial is gone . He said he used it on me to save my life . To bring me back . I don 't know what I should think . My father died almost two months ago , and after escaping death so many times I guess it was bound to happen eventually . What would 've happened to my mother ? What would she have done if they hadn 't saved me ? … No . I won 't let it happen . I will become stronger and death will come when I say it does . I 'm Gabrielle Amastad after all . I can do anything . No demons or fire spells will stop me . They 'll see . They all will see . After waiting on Cyrus for a day , we have finally gotten past the library . The riddle led to the back of an old fairy tale book , which then led to one of the nagas 's tongue piercing , which then led us eventually to another chamber . Thankfully we had Cyrus and Mark around to figure it out . The room beyond the library had two statues : one white and one black knight . In the white one 's hand there was a beautiful bastard sword . I went up and , after telling the others to stand back , pulled in out of it 's hands . It was so light and swung so easily . Mark then said that there were two magical ties around each of their necks , so I went to the black one and cut off it 's head . The room shook for a second and then a panel in the back wall opened revealing a final room . Inside there was an angel statue with its arms stretched out and after talking it out with the others I placed the sword in its hands . A pillar of white light came down and I grabbed the sword again . The hilt had two gems revealed in it now . We stayed the night in this room . Today went much better than two days ago . We came across a couple of skeletons and a bone [ ] . The skeletons didn 't stand much of a chance and Sebastian handled the other thing with ease . We came then into library where we had to figure out a strange puzzle . Cyrus went about reading every single book while Mark , Sebastian , and I tried to figure out what the ten statues in the room meant . They consisted of a rat , snake , dragon , human , halfling , fairy , skeleton , [], [ ] , and [ ] . After pushing all of the statues only the human , halfling , fairy , and skeleton moved . When we put anything on the skeleton 's pedestal other than the skeleton it turned into dust , and it the pile of dust that was the fairy statue Mark found some sort of gem . He then proceeded to look through books as well while Sebastian and I , who weren 't doing much of anything , played a few rounds of chess . We found the river 's end today . It was a waterfall running beside a statue of a man with a sword grasped in his hands pointed downward . I 'm glad we stayed on the dry land . We examined the statue and I found a hole in between its legs that led to some sort of chamber underneath . Cyrus sent his familiar to investigate with the help of a pebble with the Light spell casted on it ( thanks to Mark ) . Hiira came back to report that there was a monster just down the hall with three heads , the body of a lion , and wings . Ah , a challenge ! But first we had to find a way down there . Cyrus used a Detect Secret Doors spell and uncovered a door in the leg of the statue . We went down and to the monster that Hira had described . We beat it rather easily . Cyrus has been working on his shooting , though he didn 't hit it much he didn 't hit us either ! The next room had two nagas in it . I really hate nagas . One came up to us and hit Mark and I with a lightening chain thing , which caused some discomfort . The other one did the same to Cyrus , but he seemed alright . I went after that one while Sebastian took the other , and both Mark and Cyrus stayed in the back to provide support fire . The one I was fighting started using some sort of fire spell against me , and after the third set of them I must have blacked out . I awoke to Sebastian right above me and Cyrus off to the side who said " Welcome back " as I came around . I have no idea what he means by that . I couldn 't have been out for more than a few minutes , I think . Mark got angry though . He marched right in there and killed both of them after he had used a sleep spell of some kind on them . I don 't feel great after that experience , but everyone decided that resting for a day would be beneficial for us so that we could recover our full strength . I 'm pissed off about the nagas though . How dare they exploit one of my weaknesses . They are lucky that Mark finished them off before I could , though it 's upsetting that Mark had to kill them and not me . Today was spent confined to my room , yet again , by Sebastian and Mark . I felt back to almost 100 percent , but they were insistent so I decided might as well go along with them . Then boredom set in . My mother came home today around noon for a brief moment and dropped off a book about King Cale . The reading was a nice break from the boredom , but there was something odd about it , and when I got to the back of it there was this analysis about how he is depicted with two different swords , the first being a bastard and the later being a greatsword . I decided to give the book over to Mark as he has probably heard stories of it , and then he disappeared for a while . In the meantime I thoroughly beaten at chess numerous times by Sebastian . I really should have paid more attention to father 's lessons . After the fifth beating , I asked to spar as I had to see if my repaired armor could withstand blows anyway . I felt much better after driving him to the point of giving up . He may have the brains , but I definitely have the brawn . I haven 't seen Marcel in days . Maybe he 's leaving me alone for a while , which scares me . Mark came back a while later and then , after much thought and violin playing , he said that we must go find Cale 's old sword to help against the werewolves . After some debate , we all agreed . Tomorrow we set out for the river 's end . I woke up in the middle of the courtyard at the large house on the outskirts of town this morning in a massive amount of pain . This was after running into a little old lady yesterday who claimed that a demon was at this house , declaring that no man could take him on . He stood about a foot taller than me and had horns that twisted in height that was about twice as big as his head . He was painted in tribal paints and looked menacing . I thought that his bark would be worse than the bite . He overwhelmed me with his lucky shots . I 'll get him next time if our paths cross again . But that was yesterday . After I woke up , knowing that I could not handle another fight and unwilling to risk him being in town , I crawled around the edge of town back to the house and fell asleep on my bed . I was awoken later by Mark , Sebastian , and Cyrus . They seemed really concerned . Apparently I had been gone for two days . I still can 't believe it . I would say that they were playing a trick on me , but Sebastian kept insisting and he never jokes like this . I guess I looked worst than I felt as Mark and Sebastian both insisted that I lay in bed and rest for the rest of the day . I tried to insist that I was fine , I felt okay after Mark 's healing spells , but they were not convinced . I reluctantly went to bed . There was something I couldn 't shake though . I had some sort of dream while I was out cold . I was in the realm of Herasing , god of the hunt . He approached me and told me that my time had not yet come . That I was a lychanthrope , a pet project of his . He gave me two options : to hunt or be hunted . I hunted the targets that he lined up for me : a werewolf and a giant ant the size of the church in Redriver . He said he was impressed and that I would receive a gift . While in my room arguing with Mark and Sebastian I noticed a ring on a necklace around my neck that wasn 't there before . It was a ring with the face of a wolf on it as well as a divination and transmutation enchantment on it . The past few days have been relaxing , but I tire of sitting in Redriver . Tomorrow we should be finalizing any needed preparations and Marcel will hopefully finish training me and teaching me how to best take care of Embara . I grow tired of sitting still . I want action . During the break from running this campaign it had been decided to convert to Pathfinder . This means that we will be looking at the Monster campaign through a different multiverse portal . The following are changes to the game in terms of players , items , events , etc . The number of players is reduced to four : Sebastian , Gabrielle , Cyrus , and Mark . Derek and Pandora do not exist in this particular universe . Michel may have come and left or just never joined the party to begin with ( possibly eaten by Kobolds ) . During the adventure in which Derek and Pandora were cursed by Cyrus it was Mark instead . His monster traits are that of a humanoid fox creature . He has been with the party since then . Something odd has happened and I 'm not sure what the hell to think . Apparently going through that arcane vortex thing sent me and Michel to a different universe or something . Apparently . The others seem the same as ours , but they claim us to be different . They are making a ridiculous claim that I was once a cleric . Maybe , I don 't know though . I don 't pretend to know what all is going on , but I 'm going to roll with it . Speaking of rolling , I get to Redriver and get greeted by a swift kick to the chest as Marcel was looking for me . Whoops . I got beat pretty bad during our training session . I had no idea that he could use healing of make a fire burst around him . It 's interesting . He says it 's because he is a Phoenix Knight and now wants to pass along his secrets to me . I couldn 't be more excited ! I 'm currently watching and trying to hatch my own Phoenix egg . I think I might name it Embara , which my mother says is Draconic for phoenix but I 'm not sure yet . We 're all together around the fireplace . They may be different versions of my new family , but they are the same people . I will love and protect them as my own . We left Northaven today and are breaking for lunch . We are on track to make it to Redriver in about 5 days depending . I can 't wait to see mother and Lance again . Today was much better . I went with Pandora and Derek to visit their mother , and after many spells plus a little trial and error I figured out what was wrong . It was an obscure poison acting like a disease , and we barely caught it in time . I went to the closest temple and gathered the necessary scrolls to use and healed her as best as I was able to . I was happy that I could do something for them . Later on in the evening I went to find Derek and Cyrus , who were at the bar . Lightweights . They were drunk , completely wasted . Naturally I had to show them how to hold their own , but ended up quite drunk . I don 't remember much else as I still have a bit of a headache , but I remember falling for Derek 's pepper trick and something about being offered a job by the barkeep . The boat took us to the wrong port . We are now in Northaven , Southaven 's sister port and home to Pandora and Derek . They demanded we leave immediately , and so we tried after breakfast , but were delayed due to a random killing in front of the tavern that we were at . The guard who was there looking into it , who we found out to be captain of the guards , was the twin 's older sister Kris . After a brief conversation she invited us into her home where we were welcome to stay if we chose to . We also went by the Bard 's College and were introduced to their younger sister Lillian , who is studying string instruments . Derek also ran into some of his old college buddies , though I still am not sure as to whether or not he was happy to see them . We went to Kris 's house , and it is beautiful . I overheard that the twin 's mother was ill and probably on her deathbed , and offered to go with them if they chose to visit her to see if there was anything I could do to help . They said they 'd let me know . By that point , I was intimidated by the grandness of the house to the point where I was uncomfortable to be in there , so I decided to leave before dinner . I was attacked by an unknown attacker and blacked out . I woke up chained to the wall beside Michel , Sebastian , and Cyrus . Before I knew what was going on Pandora and Derek walked in and they were told of some legend involving reincarnating twins who matched their description and asked Pandora to be their leader . She said no , and a fight ensued between them and the acting leader of the assassins guild . I tried to get out to help them , but I was to slow getting out of my bonds . They handled her easily enough though . Today was definitely more exciting than yesterday . A little too exciting . The boat ride over wasn 't bad , and we got to the island while we had most of the day remaining . After talking to a man at the docks , we made our way into the woods and managed to find the cave system we were looking for . It did not take too long in the cave before we came upon the spider we had to slay . It . Was . Huge . It was the biggest creature I had ever laid my eyes upon , and it had friends . We were ready though , I thought . That spider 's bite was much harder than I would 've guess ( then again I wasn 't expecting something this big ) . Sebastian went down after a few hits ; thank Kord I 'm a cleric . It was only fitting though that after my spell brought him back to his feet that Sebastian get the killing blow against the creature . The smaller ones were easy enough to take care of . We returned to the docks with plenty of time to spare , and are now awaiting pick up . We have one more ingredient for the potion . All that is left are the 5 crimson night shades and the black dragon 's grind stone . Wolves , they 're easy . That dragon though … I can 't wait . We are resting the night in Southaven as we cannot charter a ship until the morning . Not much has happened as the past few days have been quiet . Tomorrow should prove otherwise , I hope . Tonight saw some action . As the day started to come to a close we came across a group of three wild looking men . Derek asked if they minded us camping nearby , and they said to go ahead . During the night , however , we were attacked . By werewolves . I finally managed to put my new axe to the test and it swung beautifully , and set one of the wolves on fire . I 'm quite pleased with my investment now . That spider won 't know what 's coming . Today was a little more exciting than yesterday . We came to a small band of reptilian looking men , the likes of which I had never seen before . Though they sort of remind my of Derek , with him turning into a salamander , except they had dark green skin and had strange eyes . They were friendly enough and we passed by them without conflict . We left Talos today for Southaven so that we could charter a ship to the island of Lostlore . Derek also returned to us this morning . He apparently came out of a tree near the bakery when Pandora went to get some baked goods for breakfast . Either way , I 'm glad that he came back safely . Nothing else of note has happened , and we have four more days before we reach Southaven . Still no progress on the curse . I have managed to get a grasp on Infernal , though it is a nasty language to learn . Pandora and Cyrus should be returning within the next few days , and I should be able to pick up my ax by then before setting off toward the giant yellow spiders . Those spiders won 't know what hit them . I also spent today researching , and still nothing to be found on the curse . Hopefully tomorrow brings some light to this . I wonder where Derek could have gone , as it has been 8 days now since he left . I can 't believe how much has happened since he left ; I 'm sure he 'll enjoy the tale … After having finished the research and getting a map of where we needed to go , I decided to spend today in the church 's study hall . I bounced between studying the language Infernal and doing research on this curse that plagues us all . So far I have found nothing on the curse . The caravan left this morning . Not long afterward Pandora and Cyrus left Talos to do something on their own . So after breakfast I decided to swing by Cyrus 's house and see if his parents could help me get into the college so that I could start doing research on the giant yellow spider so that we know what we 're going to be going up against when everyone got back together . Well , today we had to track down Sebastian 's Master 's walking stick that was stolen in the middle of the night . I had followed the crook to an alleyway nearby , but I could not find them once I got there . We woke up Michel and his wolf , asking them to track the scent . It led to a wall in the alley , which is odd as I didn 't sense any magic coming from it . Figuring that it was a hidden door of some sorts we had to wait for Cyrus to come down from the college and use his spells to find the door . He found the door and we agreed to come back after dawn and track down the thief . Dawn came and Cyrus opened the door , and then another one right across from it . Michel and his wolf led Sebastian and I down the door that was on the right while Pandora and Cyrus explored the one on the left . Before parting I used a spell on Cyrus , that way we would know if they had found trouble . Down our path we found a guy dozing off at a desk . Michel attempted to grapple him from behind , but failed as the string he was using broke . We managed to grab a hold of him and subdue him for the time being by tying him up . We are in Talos once again . When we arrived here this morning , we stumbled upon a festival that was taking place here . Sebastian was filled with excitement and informed us that this festival meant that his caravan was here and that he had finished his journey . I followed him to the fountain while everyone else went off doing their own thing . I was curious to see the caravan , as I have never seen one before . We went and watched the monks perform all sorts of instruments and Sebastian was eventually told that his master wanted to see him . I followed him to the [ tent , something ? ] and took a back seat so that they could converse . I didn 't want to impede on this meeting . We all decided to stay with the caravan during their few days here . The rest of today was uneventful in comparison to this morning . Michel came back with a wolf companion and we found Pandora . We are almost back to Talos now . The day has been … interesting so far . I was woken up this morning by Pandora who had heard some noises . After listening to the noises I figured out that they were a cry from a goblin , asking for help . Curious as to why there was such crying at that ungodly hour , I grabbed my chain shirt and greatsword , and headed toward the direction of where the voice was coming from . Not long after I , along with Sebastian , Pariah , and Pandora , came across a goblin village and were greeted by all of the dead bodies . A goblin came out of a house and , after seeing us , immediately ran off into the village . Going to the center of the village , we came across a statue of the Dark One and a flying goblin that whizzed by us . Turning to the direction from which the goblin flew from and saw a man in shiny full plate with a large goliath warhammer . He said his name was Valence Goldsmith and that he was returning stolen holy symbols that were found in the village to the church in Talos and then departed . On the way back to camp Pandora informed us that both Michel and Derek had left to take care of some business . We returned to camp and saw that some of our stuff had been stolen . Pandora and Cyrus had their bedrolls missing , Sebastian had his pack missing , Pariah was missing his katana , and I was missing my falchion . Pandora found some tracks leading away from the campsite and we followed then to an altar of the Dark One . We found a lever and the altar moved back revealing a staircase ; following the stairs down we saw two guards and a door . After dealing with the guards we went inside and were in a room full of cages and a bookshelf . I went over to the bookshelf and flipped through some of what was there . The high priest seemed to be very intelligent and after shifting through more books I found a lever and pulled it , which revealed a trapdoor that Cyrus went down with no hesitation . Going down after him , we came in another room with more bookshelves , 2 doors , and 3 goblins . They weren 't much trouble . We searched the bookshelves and then all choose to go through the door on the left and search that area first . I 'm not exactly sure what all Pandora found in those two rooms , but when she was finished we turned around and went through the other door . I led the way , and coming across a split in the path , I took the path going left and , after some walking , got shot in the shoulder with a crossbow bolt . We kept following the hallway until we came into this big room filled with about 6 or 7 goblins , a statue of the Dark One , an altar , an iron fence in the middle of the room , and a black swirling energy over the altar . They said something about how the ritual was already started and that we wouldn 't be able to stop it . A fight ensued and my greataxe was broken to pieces , which pissed me off . After some difficulties , we killed most of them and tried to figure out a way to stop the swirling dark magic above the altar with no success . It was during this time I realized that it was dawn so I prayed and Kord , who sensed that there was about to be a challenge allowed me to gain my spells instantly , which was kind of him . I quickly began to buff the party and enlarged myself in order to try and have an advantage over what was coming at us . We were faced by three snakes , one of which was the legendary Manda , the pet of the Dark One . We struggled against these creatures . I was made helpless and unable to do anything . I didn 't think we were going to survive . Suddenly , something happened to Cyrus . There was this massive energy wave from him , and the hue around him had changed to a red color . This thing came from him and wrapped itself around him . He became something I had never seen before . It knocked out Pandora as she tried to flee . I managed to escape Manda 's hold and proceeded to try and take care of him so that I could devote my attention to whatever had just happened to Cyrus . Cyrus came over and destroyed Manda . I shouted at Sebastian to grab Pandora and run while I tried to keep Cyrus , or whatever it was , busy . Pariah came up next to me and told me to rip off his ankh . I did so and the next thing I know is that Pariah was engulfed in this black sphere and all I could here was him telling me to get back . Cyrus unleashed some sort of blast and I went flying across the room , back up the hallway , and into the back wall . I gathered myself and went back to the room and saw whatever Cyrus had become fighting a vampiric Pariah . I watched the fight for what had to be an hour . Cyrus had been decapitated and regrew a head , and Pariah had lost his arm but regrew like it was nothing . I was horrified . I was shaking . There was nothing I could do here . Finally , whatever had its hold on Cyrus receded and Cyrus dropped in front of Pariah . I rushed forth with the ankh and attempted to put in back on him . He put up a struggle and slashed my across my face , but I eventually managed to get it back around his neck . He dropped unconscious . The placed was crumbling around us , we had to get out . I grabbed Pariah and helped Cyrus out of the place before in collapsed on top of us . There was a very tense moment after that in which Cyrus explained that he had found a ring in the challenge tower and put it on without checking it . It merged with his hand and was now apart of him . The thing we saw was the thing that lives in the ring . He has no idea how to stop it or undo it , and said he would only do that again if there was no alternative . Pariah woke up and explained that he has the soul of an elder vampire trapped within him and that the ankh suppresses it . He left shortly thereafter . Pandora then stabbed Cyrus for " attacking her " and knocking her out when she was trying to flee . Cyrus then tried to attack her back , but Sebastian stepped in and took the hit for her . Pandora took off . Next thing I know there is a small black portal and out popped the head of a strange looking creature whom Sebastian yanked up by the creature 's scarf . He said he would help us dig up our stuff if Sebastian would put him down , and not too much later we have our stuff back and are at the camp once again waiting on Derek and Michel . I don 't like this . Whatever is in Cyrus , it can 't be good . It has to be stopped . I don 't think I 've ever been that scared in all of my life . Kord help us … . After a strategy meeting and division of potions , we set off to through the next tier of the tower . We first encountered two shardsoul slayers who , according to Derek , were more dangerous together so we tried to get them to opposite sides of the room . When I ran up to one my head felt … clouded , I guess , for a moment . It was a strange sensation . Derek 's advice did not help much for as soon as the first one dropped dead a blue ball of energy came from its corpse and slammed into the second one , causing it to grow and look more powerful . Still wasn 't too difficult . The next floor contained two umberhulk zombies . These were a bit challenging , to say the least . I hadn 't had that much trouble in a while , which just means I need to get stronger . Sebastian 's bad luck with undead continued , but thankfully he was revived quickly . I had to expend most of the charges to my wand of cure moderate wounds after that . The next room was simple . There were three chests , so Pandora took charge of this and proceeded to do her thing . A purple mist came up out of the chest that Cyrus had ran up to and opened , and the next thing I know he 's shooting off an attack at me ! He shortly snapped out of whatever effect had possessed him though . The next room was the final challenge . At the back of the room there was a rune and appeared before us was a gorgon . Sebastian and I charged in , but it trampled right through us and got to the rest of the party . Not long into the fight it bellowed out of cloud of green smoke that Sebastian , Pandora , and I breathed in . Unfortunately , Pandora started immediately turning into stone . I grabbed her and got her as far away from the thing as I could . I had no idea of what to do , I knew nothing that could help her , but I gave her my word that it would be okay and that she would be restored to normal . We managed to kill the creature not long afterward with no one else being turned into stone . After the battle took note of another petrified individual . There were not any features about him that registered as odd so we took him with us to the next room . This room was the treasure room . There were three chests and a pillar in the center with a crown and scroll on it . I did not pay attention to anything at that point . We gathered everything and left the tower through the rune on the wall and after about half a day 's travel we made camp . At this point I looked at some of the items we had gathered . There were two smash - able vials which , after examination , I came to the conclusion that it was most likely an antidote for what afflicted Pandora and the unknown person so I tested my theory by smashing one against Pandora 's face . Not but a few moments later did the stone begin to crumble away from her face and start returning her to normal so I smashed the other one against the other person . Once they were able to speak we inquired about the stranger 's name to find that it 's Pariah . I gave him some of my food and water after finding out he had been in there for about a month , if he is to be believed . As for the treasure , Cyrus and I examined all we could and discovered that we had found a full plate of frost resistance , as well as some other items . I didn 't really pay attention to what Cyrus was examining . I put of the crown that had been at the top of the tower and felt better than I had . It made me feel stronger , and I like it . I 'm going to try and hold onto this crown and finish it ( for according to the scroll there are two more towers ) . Today was more challenging than yesterday . It started off with Cyrus being well … like Cyrus . There was ooze all over the floor and he walks into the middle of it and somehow turns into a puddle , at which point a giant ooze creature forms ( trapping him inside ) . I got to try out a new spell in this room though , so overall I guess I can 't be too irritated with Cyrus . The next room contained two verdant reavers , and we made firewood out of them very easily . The room after that , however , was where the challenge came in as we faced off against two force golems from what Derek informed us . On top of the the center of the room was covered with lava and there were various pits around . It took a bit of effort to take care of them , considering we had the other dangers in the room to consider while fighting . The next room was a joke in comparison . We all ganged up on the quaraphon that was lying in wait for us and it didn 't get a chance to hit us . Upon entering this rest room that followed on the wall we saw mounted a longsword . Michel took that . I 'm feeling confident about what is to come , and if my memory serves me right then we should be getting close to the top . I want to know what is waiting for us up there … Today was not as … life threatening as compared to yesterday . All that really happened on the five floors we went through was a fight with gargoyles and carnage demons and one puzzle room . When we got to the room with the carnage demons we stumbled upon the remains of the previous challenger in this tower before us . We took on the multi - language puzzle no problem too . Then we came across a room with a mummy in it , and it was headed toward us . Michel , as he explained later , found something on the body that the carnage beasts were tearing apart and it allowed us to bypass one room . Thankfully he used it there ; mummy rot is a terrible disease to contract . I think the ease in which we went through these past few rooms has given everyone the confidence to carry on . I noticed something me has changed . I have developed an extra gland in the back of my throat . After flexing the muscles I realized that I have developed a breath weapon of sorts . I 'm not sure whether to be excited about this new possibility or frightened about the fact I am becoming more and more monster with each passing day . Derek also got something new : a cat . I have no idea where it came from , but it is adorable . We were turned away from a huge city due to the people having been infected with some kind of plague or disease . The guards at the city 's gates were not too helpful with information , but they did point us in the direction of a very small village . In this village we found , well Cyrus found , a mage who could teleport us out of the desert . I 'm happy to report that , even though I was unsure about him and his capabilities at first , he succeeded . We were short of getting to Talos though , but before we could move on we noticed that we were in a clearing with a single , small pillar . Pandora ran up to it and placed her hand on it . Suddenly there was a low rumbling noise and a white tower started rising from the ground ; stopping and standing at roughly 20 floors or so if I had to guess . All of the windows I could see were barred shut . In front of us , an archway appeared on the wall that read : " Only those of true spirit , courage , and bravery need enter , for ahead lie many challenges , what will you find within : glory , treasure , or will you find defeat ? Anguish ? Suffering ? Only time will tell . " We all went inside to see what awaited us . After reading the scroll we went up to the first floor . Nothing too challenging came at us until we reached the fifth floor . Before us was an undead minotaur wielding a giant greataxe . Sebastian and I ran in there and started to take it down , but it eventually got lucky and got in a big hit on Sebastian . Sebastian dropped . I panicked and without a thought placed myself in between his body and the minotaur , hoping that the others would grab Sebastian and revive him . Before anyone else could act though , the minotaur drove his axe deep into my left shoulder . Luckily Pandora came behind me and grab Sebastian , dragging him out of danger ; giving me free movement before that thing could continue hacking chunks into me . After it was slain , I took the axe it was using ( it may be very useful , one never knows ) . The next room , thankfully , was a rest room . That 's where we are now . Everyone is alright now , even though they all seem a bit shaken up about what 's happened . I can 't blame them . I have a scar from the previous room that shows just how dangerous this place can be . I 'm nervous about what lies ahead , but I 'm determined to try and make it to the top - to prove my strength to Kord and to my comrades , to assure them that we can handle anything and everything . |
I had great intentions of being all ready for my guests . I had a time line down , today I wash clothes . the next day plan the meals , shop on another day so on . The weather threw me off , my son and boys came early because of the stormy forecast . That was a smart thing to do but I didn 't get done what I planned . That was OK because the grandsons wanted to cook , so clean counters ( not dirty but cluttered ) and floors were not important . Yes there was pancake batter all over the counter and drawers . Ice cream left out so counter had to be cleaned up . Oldest grandson was making smoothies . Oldest grandson also wanted to make what I believe is called Puppy Chow . It calls for powdered sugar that blows around easily . I was busy with cleanup , yes they cleaned up but they do not have grownup eyes . They had fun and the food created very good . We made saffron rolls . My son Pat made the dough and I made the different forms . I was on my feet for three hours and very tired so my grandchildren offered to cleanup . There was a pile of pans left and a mixing bowl , also odds an ends of cooking tools such as spoons , measuring cups . The odds and ends got cleaned but the bowl and pans were still there dirty . That was pointed out to them and back they went . The bowl got clean , but the pans remained , I laughed and did the pans . Like I said they don 't have grownup eyes . Melli told about spilling the beans at her place . My daughter bought for me a garbage disposal , that was to be a surprise . There was problems with communication about where and who picks up the disposal , Pennie or the plumber . Pennie left it there , but the sales clerk thought it should be brought to the house . She left it on the step for the plumber to get it . I came to Pennies with the mail and saw the disposal . Surprise gone but I knew I had to get the kitchen clean for it but like I said up above that didn 't get done before the son and grandchildren arrived . The plumber still has not been here . The church service was very nice , with a banjo , bells and choir . We had a candle liPosted by This is late and I did want to do I nice and pretty post for Christmas but it didn 't happen . Pat and the boys came up early because of the storm . We had a nice christmas , but the weather has not been . I know many others had the same problem . So : Merry Christmas ! ! Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This week 's 10 - word challenge are : spaghetti , woe is me , mythology , avarice , windy , pathetic , paper towels , water , all my children , booksAnd for the mini : best deals of the week , Nobel Peace Prize , sleep deprived , cauliflower , practiceMini : Sandy Shore could not get to sleep . There had been now many nights of little sleep , and she feared she would be sleep deprived . Could it be what she ate such as the cauliflower she had last night ? She might as well get up . Maybe if she read the paper for the best deals of the week , she would get tired enough to fall asleep . Not finding any deals , she turned to the news portion . There was an article on the winners of the Nobel Peace Prize . She knew who should really win the prize , Knight her invisible penguin . Of coarse they would not give it to him , because most people could not see him , or knew what he had done . He had all that power , and with practice he was becoming more skilled at turning dangerous situations into safe ones . Like the other day when those kids got their hands on the medallion that could bring someone into another place , and then that Larry put it on taking him off to another land . Many people wanted that power . The news had spread fast the medallion had been taken away from the wizard Jem . Now it It was in Knight 's custody . That photo Larry had would becoming a blank paper . Sandy found she was becoming tired and she returned to bed to sleep . Ten Words : The spaghetti was all over the kitchen floor . Sandy was on her knees sopping up the spaghetti with paper towels dipped in water . She was whining " Woe is me . " It was not the mess on the floor that was causing her distress , but the message she had received from Knight . It is surprising what a penguin can do with a beak . The mess was caused by her as she moved quickly to get to her computer . Wrong information was circulating that she had possession of the dimensional medallion . The avarice creatures she had seen in the world with out sound were planning to take the medallion frPosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Words for ten words : sugar , mortgage , logical , roller skates , outlandish , Yes Virginia , there is a Santa Claus , cumberbund , unexpected , photo album , scarecrowAnd for the mini : tomatoes , turtles , basement apartment , circumference , make my dayLarry after putting on a necklace with a medallion on it that was being played with by some children , found himself in a forest where nothing made sound except himself . Sitting on the bed in the wooden shack , waiting for the one who occupied it , the one who had a roasting chicken on a spit outside , Larry pondered on the outlandishness of events . Nothing was logical . He waited and waited , but no one showed up . He finally got up and using a stick pried a piece of chicken off , and ate it . He returned to the bed , laying down he fell off to sleep . Morning came and again the unexpected happened . The fire and chicken were taken care of and a large leather bag was on the door step . He opened the bag and found a pair of roller skates , a cummerbund and a note saying follow the trail until you come to a building called Scarecrow . Not knowing anything else to do , Larry followed the trail . The walk was long , but became less difficult as Larry went . He came out of the forest into a field . Beyond the field there was a highway . Automobiles moved along the highway , but in this land of silence they did not make a sound . He spotted the Scarecrow and walked toward it . The Scarecrow was a roller rink . A sandwich board outside the rink , gave him the information that the Scarecrow needed help with the mortgage , and skating in formal wear would be an attraction to bring in skaters . Larry could not understand any of this . He was brought here from the beach . He was wearing shorts . How outlandish would it look to wear a cummerbund with shorts while he was skating . He put on the skates and the cummerbund , and entered onto the rink . Only the other faces gave away the fact they were laughing at him . To a few , only the medallion drew their attention . One of those who were payingbettygram Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . edge , haven , sunglasses , sprightly , telling , frazzled , juicy , quartet , tied , necklace And for the mini : bees , crackling , wooden , staple , earfulTen Word : The lanky lad Larry wearing sunglasses sat in the warm sun as he pealed his juicy orange . He hoped this beach haven would bring quiet to his frazzled mind . On the edge of his area of the beach there was a quartet of sprightly swimsuit clad chattering children , running about . One of the quartet , a girl had a necklace with a large medallion . She was not wearing the necklace , but was swinging it around and around challenging the other three boys to catch it . Larry was annoyed with the children disturbing his quiet , but they had not breached what he considered his spot . Then it happened the necklace flew out of the girls hand , and landed in his lap . The children became silent , there was no telling what this person would do . Larry glared . " It is mine , " he said . He put the necklace on . He heard and saw at that time a figure of a brown robed older gentleman , with a white beard , trying to run toward him in the sand . " No " , screamed the robed man . It was too late . Larry found himself , by himself in a different location . The beach was gone . He was in a forest with no sound . There were no animal noises . He snatched off the necklace . He did not return to the beach . Where was he ? He tied the necklace to a tree limb . He began his exploration of this new location . Mini : On a tree branch over his head Larry saw a swarm of bees . He did not hear a buzz , but he moved away from that site . He walked on a narrow path through the woods until he came upon a wooden shack with a fire in front of it . There was no crackling of the burning wood . Over the fire on a spit was what looked like a chicken roasting . Chicken was a staple of his meal plan . He felt as if he had lost his hearing . Whoever was causing this , would get an earful when he found them , but what if he could not be heard . He let out a scream . Yup he could be heard , for the scream echoed among thePosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Words for this week 's 10 - word challenge are : love is a many splendored thing , trucks , inspector , symbols , rising , organic , liberation , costly , smug , naughtyAnd for the mini : the nature of the beast , identical , charcoal , braggart , vacationThe words , love is a many splendored thing , were heard by all of Hal 's neighbors as he sang while showering . Hal was a truck driver for many years , a truck driver who had not known a love like this . This inspector who turned his life up side down . She had stopped his truck for a routine inspection of the organic grown crop he was hauling . He believed in the movement . Liberation from the use of pesticides . True they were a bit more costly , but to save the planet well worth it . He had pleated his case , but felt his temper rising as she found points of criticism . His truck was not in trouble , his argument was . She laughed at the symbols of peace , smug in her stance . With such different political views , he thought his pass at her would not be accepted . It turned out that the traditional inspector had a naughty side . Hal did not care what his neighbors thought , they could get ear muffs , he was in love . Mega : Lucky howled and howled . The neighbor Hal was singing love is a many splendored thing . He was being tortured , tied up to his dog house having to listen to that noise . Ah here comes Joe his pack leader carrying a bag of charcoal he put into the trunk of the car . They were going on vacation . Lucky wanted liberation . It was the nature of the beast to want to chase cars and trucks . He was not being naughty . Then it came by , a symbol of every thing good , a small ringing bell . The truck stopped and out from the neighborhood houses ran children of all shapes and sizes . Lucky knew what they wanted because Joe would take him , and together they would share ice cream . He pulled with all his might , and suddenly he was free . he rushed toward the truck , barking in his excitement . One small human was holding up her cone , Lucky made a quick grab , and off he ranPosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Words for this week 's 10 - word challenge are : officer , candid , drowning , turtles , sugar - coated , prospecting , shame on you , recliner , luggage , brainsAnd for the mini : paragon of virtue , cats - in - the - cradle , swamp , sprinkles , garbageCharlie Johnson was walking indignantly down the side walk . He promised him , yes he did , he promised to let him go his grandmothers . He was pulling his luggage behind him . Packed were all that was necessary for his stay , swimming trunks , goggles , and water shoes . He packed it himself . He was promised when it still had snow , to be able to stay at his grandmothers , when the weather was warm and they , his parents , would be off work . That was today . He asked but his father stayed in the recliner , making no effort to call grandma . His mother was still in bed . He would walk there . He couldn 't wait to catch the turtles in the lake by grandma 's . Joe Johnson was talking to the officer . He gave the officer a photo . June Johnson was angry at her husband . " You would think that anyone with brains would be able to look after a six year old . " Both parents were scolding themselves . The officer was open and candid , there was no sugar - coating the danger the child was in . Prospecting for the child was more difficult than for gold . There was the possibility of drowning in the near by river , or abduction by some sick minded person . The ringing phone drew the attention of everyone in the room . Joe got to the phone first . It was his mother , who started her conversation with " Shame 0n you . " A very tired , and hungry child had found his way to her door . All were glad and thankful that Charles was safe . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : Cute , come with me to the Casba , bloodhound , respiration , Facebook , Canada Geese , modern , gravity , spider webs , sea shells And for the mini : curiosity killed the cat , charming Victorian , railroad tracks , tower , salt and pepperTen Word Challenge : This was not what Jesse expected . It was her sister 's birthday and Jesse planned a surprise visit , but she was the one surprised , with a vacant apartment . Furnishings and personal items were there , but there was no sister to greet her . Spider - webs had now adorned the furnishings , so her sister had been gone for some time . Jesse was angry with herself that she had not tried to contact her sister earlier , but Homecoming , a new boy friend , and school had kept her busy . What about her parents , they must know where she was . They had not said a thing to her when she told them she planned to visit Janet . On the dusty shelf was that cute picture of the two of them on the beach picking up sea shells with the Canada geese behind them . There was defiantly something wrong here . She called her parents , and they had not been contacted by Janet . They had sent messages to her , but felt she was just to busy to get in touch with them . Janet was a modern girl and had a computer . She was on Facebook even . Jesse listened to Janet 's phone messages , " Come with me to the Casba " What was that all about ? She was going to the police , and try to stress the gravity of the situation . She was hoping they could use a blood hound . Her respiration quickened as she made the call . Mini : Janet gave that large hug to her sister at the police station . Janet related her story to Jesse and the police . " We went sight seeing getting a way from the usual tourist places . Over the railroad tracks there was a charming Victorian home , which became a museum . It contained the most interesting exhibits . One of the exhibits was a collection of salt and pepper shakers . The exhibit of salt and pepper shakers was in the tower apart from the rest of the exhibiPosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This Week 's Ten Word Challenge is : plumber , autograph , Florence Nightengale , a chill wind & # 8217 ; s a blowing , watering hole , sleek , triplets , backwards , surfacetension , parrotAnd for the mini : Free estimates , French fries , carpet , Braille , silver - tongued banditThe Watering HoleIt was chaos , in Anna 's watering hole as she tried to get her three children fed and off to school . Every morning had a bit of chaos , true but this a little more than normal . The pipes broke and that would mean a call to a plumber . The turning off of the water to the kitchen made breakfast a challenge . A thanksgiving to Pop - Tarts was given . They would give more sugar than needed , but there were no bowls to clean . Juice in boxes meant there were no glasses . Anna gave an autograph to her daughters homework report on Florence Nightengale , when the surface tension came . Alex brought in the sleek family parrot Silly without the cage . Anna felt a chill wind 's a blowing as the kitten triplets attacked Silly on outstretched Alex 's arm , pushing him backward . Alex slipped on some water on the surface of the floor not caught with the mop . Anna 's waterless watering hole was filled with feathers , fir , and swinging arms of children trying to catch the kittens and bird to bring order . The plumber arrived as the children exited for school . Free estimates the Brody company advertised , and Anna called them to come to the house to advise her on what needed to be done to fix the pipes . Jim weaved among the children to come in as they left . He complemented Anna on her children and her home . He gave her an estimate that she could afford , and she signed a contract for the work . The contract was not in braille , she was not blind so that was not needed . Jim left and promptly came back with a work crew . Anna went to the living room and vacuumed the living room carpet . At lunch she went to a close by fast food restaurant and got a hamburger and french fries , and a soda . She placed them on the counter along with her paper game board wiPosted by My son told me about helping his oldest son with his homework . The assignment was to get impressions of deer tracks . This fell of course on a weekend with rain . In the woods they went . The rain was washing away the tracks . They walked and walked . Just as they were about to give up they { my son had all three boys } came upon a corn field . In the corn field tracks were found . Now if they had done it correct they would have had a plastic bag to mix the plaster , and make the impression so as to not make a mess . The bag was forgotten , and a mess was made as my son kept an eye out for the farmer who would get them for trespassing . The younger boys had fun playing among the corn stalks . I do not know what grade my grandson got , but he will have a memory . Friday morning of the day we were going to have the retreat , I found a flat tire . the tire was fine when I drove in . Well it really wasn 't , it had a large nail in it but that I didn 't know . It was down to the rim . The car should have a hose to attach to the blowing up device , but the hose was missing . My car was to be used to haul items to the church . I looked for the pumps we had , I would even take a hand one , but I found only the ones used for blowing up mattresses . One of the ladies on the committee said she would come by and use her car to carry some of the items . I agreed , but meanwhile I called the Bergstrom garage . They came blew up the tire and took the car to the garage . Then patched up the tire and returned the car to me at the large cost of $ 16 . 00 . Impressed ? I was but they have always given me great service . The retreat was held on Friday Oct 2 evening and Saturday Oct 3 all day . I was spending all my time preparing for this retreat . Sweet Life Cafe was the name of the retreat . The theme was Jesus is the bread of life . We had a committee of five . The retreat came from Group and it was set up very nicely . The cost of a starter kit was $ 99 . 00 . Our work came in the decorating . They also had boxes which you could purchase at $ 22 . 00 a piece , which we thought was too much for our ladies so we made our own . We also bought bags from Walmart instead of buying theirs . Their bags cost five something for each bag we got plain bags 4 for five bucks . We let the women decorate their own bag . We bought from them besides the starter kit charms and a journal for each participant . The ladies said they had a good time . The women were divided into groups of four . This was accomplished by having the ladies pick out a mug from a display of mugs . Although the mugs were bought in groups four alike they were placed in the display away from a mug that looked like another . The ladies then found the matching cups and sat in that group . A blessing we also had was that some men in our congregation prepared the meals and served them . Setting up took most of Friday . We kept moving the heavy tables trying to find the best place for them . I was glad that no decision had to be made when we cleaned up after . I am sorry I don 't have pictures yet . I was too busy to take them but others did and they are going to share later . We had a speaker also who participated with the woman . Sometimes the speaker just does her or his speech and then leaves . The speaker was Sheila Luck , she was very good . The men preparing the meal came out to listen to her . She spoke about forgiveness . In one of the sessions I lead just before breakfast . We had a porridge which is served to refugees made of corn meal , powdered milk , and beans . This was to remind them of the need to feed the hungry . We also made up bags of pancake ingredients covered with a pretty towel including directionsPosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . The words for this week 's ten word challenge were : Tibetan sky , symbols , won 't you come home Bill Baily , shadow figures , brain cortex , practice makes perfect , life , start of school , lavender , chow down And for the mini : mental hospital , falling leaves , apple cider , packing crates , clues Ten Words : The Tibetan sky began to emerge from behind the brush as stroke after stroke was put on the canvas . Lester Frost did not work quietly , he sang " won 't you come home Bill Baily " while he painted . A moon was in the sky and shadow figures of lavender . Where did the images come from ? Lester did not know , or did he care if they came from the brain cortex . Painting was his life . Practice makes perfect he heard , but he did not consider his works of art practice , although he spent many hours working on the canvas . Practice is what you had to do with the math symbols . The start of school was soon and he would have to chow down and practice . Maybe he pondered he would have an art class this year . 15 words : Mary Beth felt the sadness as she put Lester 's belongings into packing crates . The paints of many hues even lavender would not go with him . He would not be able to finish the painting of a Tibetan sky . Mary Beth studied the shadow figures trying to find a clue in them of Lester 's illness . What in Lester 's brain cortex pulled him from the world , where it was the start of school . He should be walking through falling leaves , chowing down on cookies , and drinking apple cider . Lester 's life had taken a new turn from the working on symbols , practicing to make perfect what he learned , to a life in the mental hospital . Now silent not singing " won 't you come home Bill Baily . " That careless driver had ruined many lives that day . 5 words : Seated by the mesh covered window of the mental hospital Lester watched the falling leaves . He sipped the apple cider he was just served . He then turned to observing those in the large lounge . He grew bored and returned to his room . The room was sparse but he noticed the Posted by I was so blessed by the confirmation service . The students each made a statement about their faith as part of the service . All presentations were different using their different talents . One using her art ability used the word faith drawing pictures explaining her faith . One wrote a story of a child 's faith as he faced death from cancer . My granddaughter did a PowerPoint presentation using a song that expressed her faith and growth . She included pictures from her baptism . There were very few dry eyes when it finished . I think the name of the song was " I thought I knew " but I am not sure , I will have to check . The others spoke about their faith . I am not sure yet if I am back to blogging . I was away for many reasons , caring for Pennie , VBS and planing for Sunday School . Pennie is one of two leaders . I am teaching crafts or art with another teacher . , This Sunday began the Sunday School year , and St Marks begins with something called a cluster . the classes all meet together parents included . We were not going to be able to be there . This rotation is on prayer , and we have only five classes , music , art , science , games , bible learning , so cooking was decided to be used this week for the cluster . Cooking was making pretzels , one the child takes home a name to pray for with a pretzel and the child gives someone in the congregation a name and a pretzel to pray for . There would not be enough time to do the actual cooking so we decided to bake them at home . We also volunteered to do two bulletin boards . Pennie does not have a key to the church and all week she was getting home late from work . Last night was an all nighter . We made over a hundred pretzels and had two bulletin boards ready to put up , before we had to go up north . Adding to my problem of blogging , my monitor went , and I could not get on the net if Dr . John or Pennie were on . The printing on the monitor was very blury and the letters small . I thought it was my eyes but others saw the blury letters . I could not read any blogs I tried very had but I had to give Posted by I thought things would calm down . but they did not . I have been driving Pennie to work each day . I will have to do that for two more weeks . s Today they forbid Pennie from using the wheel chair or crutches . The nurse said she should be on her feet . It still hurts under the knee . I am sorry but I have to stop because I can not keep awake . No Raven 's words . I have been with my granddaughter . I have felt sorry for her because of Pennie 's foot sprain , I have been driving her to work , and back . She is using John 's scooter , so we have had to spend most of Bree 's time here with us at home . Pennie decided to not go into work until the afternoon , Bree and I went to the Hearthstone Museum . The home build by Mr . Rodgershas nine fireplaces so it was named Hearthstone . It had the first electricity in the Appleton area . When we drove Pennie to work because it was in the afternoon we decided not to go back home , but stayed to window shop in Appleton . We went through a number of small shops with character . It was a good day . A Picture Story from Portrait of Words My story begins when I was just a pup . I lived with a very nice family , and they named me Myah . My family provided me with food and water . I also had some time to play . On the day of the beginning of my adventure I was out on the porch when I saw a brown furry blur , which I wanted to see up close . I wiggled out of the leash and ran after the brown furry animal that climbed up the tree . I jumped and jumped . I tried a run and then a jump but I could not get to the what I now know is called a squirrel . The squirrel widened the chase by jumping to the limb of another tree . Then it jumped to another tree while down below I ran following it . We traveled fast . My family which was calling and trying to catch me had to give up . I didn 't stop as long as I could see the squirrel . Then the squirrel disappeared . I heard the chattering but couldn 't see it . I then took notice of where I was . I could not see my family . There were no sidewalks , or cars . Surrounded by trees , I had no way to tell how to get home . I saw a path which I followed . I almost tumbled over a cliff . I was on top of a mountain over looking a lake . The lake looked like it was in the clouds . The path did continue on , but it was so steep that I many times , lost my footing . I heard the sound of running water . I maneuvered my way to it . I took time to take a drink and go wadding . There were little fish swimming about in the quiet water . The path continued to the highway where the cars and trucks sped by . I saw a large building with cars in the parking lot , across the street . I am not very courageous , but a bit foolish so I dodged the cars and trucks . I sat and trembled a bit . Then I approached some humans getting into their cars . I did my very best whine , and gave my cutest look , and sure enough they picked me up . They looked at my collar which was separate from my leash . I was carried into The large building which had a neat living room with a fireplace . A women at the desk petted me then picked up a phone and made a call . I diPosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . The words for this week 's ten word challenge were : riverboat , procrastination , drank , demons , invisible , candle , enough , film stars , summer job , computer For the mini : general demeanor , surprisingly , masked man , reach , standardsSandy Shore could not believe the call she received offering her a summer job with other film stars on a riverboat . She wanted that job so bad , none of the other jobs she had done held a candle to this offer . She must not procrastinate , but promptly confirm . She went to her computer and sent out her reply . She was accepted . She wanted to celebrate , she poured out just enough diet soda into a cocktail glass , holding it up she toasted her good luck , and the invisible demons who brought her name to the director aboard the riverboat . Feeling on top of the world she drank down that glass . She was surprised when another glass was brought out from the cupboard , and some soda was poured into it , Then she saw that penguin , she named knight . Knight probably would be making this adventure on the river eventful she was sure . Mini : The general demeanor of the director was surprisingly calm as he welcomed the actors , and actresses for his show aboard the riverboat . He was not taken aback by the masked man . The director began by giving an emotional speech about reaching for the highest standards . Although the masked man did not bother the director , he made Sandy uncomfortable . She questioned to herself if that was because , the man reminded her of The Phantom of The Opera . " Sandy might be concerned about the masked man ; the cast was unnerved by scenery seeming to be moving by itself . The head front and back have been sewn , but then the machine could not sew the foam and lining . I tried many different settings only to give up and sew the back foam and lining by hand . It took an hour , with a machine five minutes at the most . Watched the live feed again , Peter brought Bree down so they saw it too . the going in and out makes it difficult to understand the speeches . Pennie just called and every thing is going fine . They put up some walls for Habitat For Humanity . Went on a scary ride . Getting into the stadium is scary because of the heat and the pushing to get in , so they are going a little later hoping to miss the pushing and shoving . We have not been able to see them because they are in the shadows Pennie said . I have the eyes . eyebrows done on the dog I am making . The ears have been sewn , but not attached . The front of the head is pinned . I got to watch the evening service at New Orleans , they had a live feed . It had trouble with choppy picture and I could not hear . There were more people watching than what they planned for . They scanned the crowd but I could not see our group . The Bishop of the church came in in a rolling bathtub and he was in a bathrobe and slippers . I plan on watching Thursday night , hope they can improve on it . You can get to the live feed this way ; first go to Dr . John 's blog then use the St Marks link , then to the Youth gathering and choose the live feed . There are probably better ways but that is how I got there . I forgot about Quilly 's words . I went and looked so here it goes . Lancy was a self indulgent as Acrasia and gave a oncethmus sound when no one could tell her about muklins . Pennie and the youth of St . Marks and the other two churches are on their way to New Orleans . The bus left right at 2 : 00 pm . I followed the bus out of the parking lot . They went left I went right and I got turned around , so I went the wrong direction , on the correct road . I did a little tour of Menasha . When I got home I worked on the dog costume I am sewing for VBS . I started working on the head after finishing the body . I am afraid of the difficulty . I had to do some practicing because this is a new machine , because my better machine broke just before we moved . Here are some photos of Lifest 2009 . We sit in the back so we can move in and out when in the evening the crowd grows and you can 't see well . The stage is right of the man in the blue shirt . We watch the large screen . There are many different areas to listen to different bands . Above was the Grand stand . Below is another area where they were judging up and coming bands . Each day a band won and then on Saturday the winners played in the Grandstand . A winner was chosen from the winners each day and that band got to do a show . iThis is a video of the end of the playing in the afternoon a oldie . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This weeks Ten Word Challenge is : corn pone , delegation , nectarines , happiness , 12 going on 13 , prancing horses , magenta , butterflies , fragmentary , arthritis For the mini challenge : lavender cowboy , over the moon , preparation , zebra , area rugAs she entered the room she glanced around , the table was just the right size for Misty Leaf , and she gave a sigh of relief . Usually the tables in waiting areas were very small , made for toddlers . Misty wanted an area to draw , and sitting in a chair was cumbersome . Misty was a bright 12 going on 13 year old . Her time in a waiting room was because her grandmother was part of a delegation at a convention on arthritis . She was staying with her grandmother while her parents were overseas . She knew that she would have a long time just waiting and she came prepared with her drawing materials and a lunch , corn pone and nectarinesThe waiting room was filling as Misty arranged her material . There was a small toddler table which two youngsters , a boy and girl , occupied . A boy Misty 's age joined the toddlers showing them a book from which he read to them . At first her ideas were fragmentary , but soon Misty 's art began to take form , with bright colors . Prancing horses were surrounded by magenta butterflies . Flowers bloomed everywhere in many hues . The toddlers and the boy with them came over to the table where Misty was working . Misty drew the toddlers , Caleb and Lisa , into the picture . She drew Caleb with a butterfly net running among the flowers . Lisa with a big smile , showing her happiness , was picking a flower and holding it out to Randy the boy who was with the toddlers . A pile of paper began to form as Lisa told a story , and Misty would illustrate the story . Randy and Caleb would add a little to the story also . Randy , Caleb and Lisa shared their lunch with Misty and she shared her lunch with them . They were all a little sad when the adults returned . They were happy playing with the horses and running in the fields , and the day was just too short . ForPosted by Penny Sue Tractor and Colonel Montana were the names that Mr . And Mrs . Reginal Maki decided to use for their big Hillbilly party this evening . The party would be held at a small cabin in the woods they rented for the night . It looked just like they thought a Hillbilly home should look like . Every good Hillbilly home should have a pig . But the only pig they could find was one of those fancy pet pigs that belonged to a rich friend and they had to promise no harm would come to it to borrow it for the evening . Mr . and Mrs Maki came up with mud wrestling as one activity , since greased pig catching was ruled out not wanting to harm the pig . At the last moment they even found a dog named Duke to complete the picture . Turning into Penny Sue Tractor and Colonel Montana brought them to giggling as the transformation took place . Everything was ready including the fake still from which the liquor would be served in fruit jars and the deer in the pen behind the cabin for the deer tackling event . Old hats long beards and missing teeth were the norm but Lester Cain , or at least who , the now , Penny Sue thought was Lester Cain had deep scratches over his face , and cuts on his arms . He looked like he had been in a fight with a mountain bobcat and she assumed it was part of his costume . He staggered as he picked up his fruit jar and sat at the teeter - tottering table . Suddenly the table went over and he fell to the ground looking very much like he had died . Mrs . Maki screamed out his name , and ran to him finding that the blood pouring from him was not fake but real . That was when the Federal Agents choose to raid the party and arrested them all for a long list of offenses including having an illegal still . Mr Maki tried talking to the agents explaining that everything was fake for a party , but the with the body they were not buying his explanation . As the agents were rounding up the guests , a couple and a teenager , Billy Jones and his parents walked in , Billy also with multiple scratches . It didn 't take long to discover that Lester and BiPosted by A Picture Story from Portrait of Words It was with anxiety Penny Sue Tractor waited for the arrival of the crew with her award . Only two weeks ago she participated in the mud wrestling contestat the State Fair , and won first place . The winner of the contest won an all expense trip to any resort in the area or a city for a week . She decided to take a week in the city , where she had never been . Leaving behind Edgar the pet pig and Shadow her dogwas hard enough , but she would also have to leave behind the familiar cry of the eagle , and the shy intrusion of the deer . The official car arrived and those giving her the award got out . The formal wear and the expressions on their faces made her want to run back into her home . She could not leave this place . What she had to wear would be unacceptable in the city . One of the people a lady stepped forward and with a gentle voice asked Penny Sue to come with them . She encouraged her to take the adventure , they would make all the arrangements , making sure that someone would come and take care of her pets . In Penny Sues eyes the hotel was a palace . The lady who had encouraged her to go on the trip Lacy Hope , became her companion aiding her in the city tour and the shopping . At the end of the week Penny Sue had changed her look of a country girl to a city lady . Her name also won her some more good fortune . With a name like Penny Sue Tractor who else should be a sales person for a tractor manufacturerHad her fortune changed Penny Sue ? At the end of the week , Penny Sue packed up her new clothes , and returned to her home in the country . She was relieved to be back home , but she kept her job selling tractors , traveling to work by first a long walk and then taking a bus . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . sober , spoilage , knight , laugh and the world laughs with you , peak , blueberries , owl , drugstore , lampshade , keyboard The peak season for blueberries had arrived , and Sandy wanted to go out picking . She did not want a lot but enough to make a pie . Too many there would be a danger of spoilage . An area with wild berries would be best . Wild blueberries tasted better than those found on the farms although the farms had larger berries . Sandy drove out onto a country road , and pulled her small blue Saturn over on to the edge parking there . She sprayed bug spray , and then grabbed a bucket to put the berries in . Concentrating on finding berries she did not see but , felt an others presence . Beside her wearing a large brim straw hat was Sandy 's invisible penguin . Sandy glad for the companionship began talking to the penguin . " I think you need to have a name , how about Knight ? " Sandy began to giggle , but the penguin did not look happy . " Hey , laugh and the world laughs with you , " said Sandy . The penguin remained sober . Although it was light , an owl sat on a branch near them and did a " Whoo " " Who Mimicked Sandy , Knight should be its name , because he has rescued me like a knight in shining amour . " Her bucket full Sandy returned home , after stopping at the drug store to pick up her prescriptions . Adjusting the lampshade as she entered the apartment , she went to her computer keyboard to find a pie recipe . She found many . One seemed to stand out . Sandy had discovered long ago that she was not a neat baker so she began her pie making by putting on an apron . When she had taken the pie out of the oven she was joined by Knight for a taste of her labors . For the mini challenge : economy , Michael Jackson , ladder , clue , structure I am sorry , but I have been at Lifest and up very late , I have not been able to finish and I probably will not be able to read others until later . I found this meme on Thom 's blog on Saturday the 4th of July . I hope he doen 't mind if I use it . Yankee Doodle Dandy 1 . What is your favorite 4th of July memory ? ( If you aren 't in the U . S . , then use your own national holiday . ) I have many , including this 4th . The bicentennial was the one I was most involved in making costumes , & making a float . 2 . Do you consider yourself patriotic ? yes 3 . Do you like fireworks ? Not the noise but the pretty ones . We have always have done are own fireworks . Dr . John at one time with the help of his sister and mother would put on a display for the small community that his sister lives in . There have been some scary moments . 4 . What are your plans for this weekend ? We had the whole family here . We did our fireworks , which I still have to clean up . Grilled steaks . Had strawberry shortcake . 5 . Are you optimistic about the future ? I think we are in for a change , do not know , for good or bad . 6 . Do you think everyone should serve in the military ? No . I think there would be some who if serving would be a hindrance . 7 . Would you support a constitutional ban on flag burning ? Flag burning makes me unhappy , but peaceful protest should be able to continue . 8 . What end of the political spectrum are you ? Depends on issue . 9 . Where do you get your news ? On channel 7 . This gives a outlet for what I was going to write about today . We had a very nice Fourth of July . No major problems . We laughed through the fireworks display . The males were all outside and the females inside watching plus Dr . John . We critiqued the display and the presenters . They put a cardboard box under the display table which at one time was smoking . My oldest grandson was wearing a green elf hat and beard not the safest get up which he was told he could not wear . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Next Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : Florida , spit , child bride , operatic , busy , holding pattern , sunflowers , ginger jars , office , superintendentFor the mini challenge : music to my ears , plot , powerful , braggart , super modelThe gang with invisible animal companions were in a holding pattern waiting for the police to investigate the man in the multi - colored hooded sweatshirt they brought in for causing the explosion at Poets Corner . William and Stan had warmed up to Sandy after what they went through with her to get back her penguin . [ The penguin that didn 't need to be rescued . ] Of course if they did not think the penguin was in danger they would have not caught the hooded man . William paced back and forth in front of the office of the police superintendent and making the others nervous . " I know a lady you should meet . Let 's go over to her place , and get out of here . I will give them my cell phone number in case they need to talk to us some more . Her name is Winter Florida , " said Stan . Sandy followed Stan and William 's car out into the country away from the busy city streets . They came upon a cottage nestled in the woods , and the car with William and Stan came to a stop in front of it . Sandy pulled up behind it . Sandy felt she was playing a part in fairy tale . The cute shuttered cottage had sunflowers lined around a winding brick path up to the door . She expected the flowers to burst into song . They were silent not even singing an operatic chorus , a bit disappointing . Stan knocked on the door , and a petite young dark haired girl opened it . A tall red haired gentleman stood behind her . Her face became glowing as she grabbed Stan in a hug . " Oh , come in , come on in , " she said . She dragged Stan in . William and Sandy followed him into a spit and polish clean house . Stan introduced William and Sandy to Winter Florida and Dale Florida . Winter led them into the living room past a kitchen door where Sandy could see ginger jars on the shelves . To Sandy , Winter looked so young . Sandy wPosted by This is another story written by Dr . John and I , exchanging sentences . With disgust Rex threw both the rope and the old drumsticks on the ever growing pile , filled with memories of long past days . Some of the items brought pain , memories such as the rope from his once owned yacht . The next item in the closet was that great big safety pin and as he took it out he began to cry . This was a wall decoration in his babies room . He could almost hear the baby cry , and knew he would never hear it again . He was questioning how he could begin anew , and removing the painful memories was a way to begin again . Over and over he could see the yacht exploding with his wife and baby on board . Sue was offering a new beginning with her Sweet shop . They would be partners , he would make the baked goods while she served customers . She was a lady that always had a smile , and a get up and go attitude . " At least I will get out of this house " he thought as he put on his hard hat and walked through the never finished addition . " I should go and contact her to confirm , and then contact a realitor , " he thought . Sue was waiting for him as she hoped he could let go of the past and just maybe fall in love with her . She had cared for him since high school , but he had picked another lifestyle marring Joann the millionairess . Now she wanted to help him get over the guilt he felt , because he got carried away playing the drums , and was late getting to the boat . He need not feel guilty , because she planted the bomb not knowing how much he cared for that woman and her brat . |
I put the sandpaper and block down and listened again to the radio . It said exactly what I thought it said . It said that an elephant was loose in town , that it had broken free from the train it was being transported on when it stopped in Wood Valley ; or not broke free , but got away from its trainer , that it got agitated and got away from its trainer , and took off into the woods . They were saying that it was headed toward us . I put the naked mallard down , and leaned against the bench . A representative from the zoo kept telling the reporters that the elephant would be driven by the highway north , and that that was why they were almost positive it would end up in Karchmar . A state trooper kept saying that everyone should remain calm , and remain indoors . I turned to another station , but there was only music . I turned to a few others . More music , and if there was news it was the weather or sports . When I turned back to the local station , they were saying that the elephant had been en route to another zoo , that there had been some kind of trade of elephants , or an elephant for two gorillas , and that the train had been sent up a side rail to let traffic go by , and the trainer took the elephant out to get it some water and some exercise when it went a little wild and got free . The trainer was in the hospital , but they would not say how bad he was . After they said that the trainer was in the hospital , they kept assuring us that everything was fine , that no one else was hurt , and that elephants sometimes do this , that they sometimes go a little crazy and run off , saying that everything was fine , but that the residents of Karchmar should not go out , and if anyone sees the elephant to call the authorities , to report it , and to stay away . Then one of the DJs said there was an elephant living on his couch who drank all his beer , and answered to Her Holy Majesty Mother - in - Law . There was some chuckling , and the other DJ said , " But seriously folks , stay inside . . . " I turned it off . The house was quiet . Up the basement steps I could see the light from the kitchen and hear the wall clock over the sink going . " Chris , " I said . There was no response . I put the naked mallard back on its stand , and made sure the lids were on all the paint , then went up the stairs . Flies buzzed over the table and around the window by the screen . Everything was still out . I took some of the plates from the table to the counter and scraped the food into the garbage , then put them in the sink , then put the milk and ketchup back in the fridge . Condensation had sweated all out of them and they were warm . The sink was full and I did not put the plates on top of the pile but left them on the side , then turned on the water to run it a moment over the dishes and the large pot and the pans , and squirted soap on them , and let it suds up , then turned it off and went out . It had been quiet all day , and was usually quiet when Chris was pouting , which was a blessing . There was no movement in the living room and it looked like nothing had been moved and no one had been in it for some time . It was bright from the lamps , and it was as though the furniture were waiting for something to happen . " Chris , " I said from the bottom of the stairs . I was looking up into the hall at the corner of his bedroom door . There was no answer . At dinner , not only would he not talk to me or look at me , but he did not make his ketchup and mustard mixture for his food , or take chocolate syrup for his milk when I offered , still mad for having been grounded and having to spend one of the last days of summer inside . He looked only at the plate as he shoveled the forkfuls of food into his mouth , then got up without a word , without having finished , and left , and when I told him to come back he wouldn 't , and I refused to beg or get in a fight with him , watching him go . I went up the stairs . His room was empty . A few cars and action figures lay on the floor with colored pens and a sketchbook . I checked in the closet and under the bed . I went back downstairs and called his name a few times , and when there was nothing I went out to the porch and called his name there , yelling it loud enough so that if he was in back or in the garage he would hear it . A car went by , but there was nothing else , and I went off the porch and started to look around for his bike . I looked in the yard and on the driveway , but it was not in either of these places and it was not in the shed . I went to check in the garage and when he was not there and his bike was not there I stood a moment trying to listen for something , for him to be around somewhere , and waited for a reason for why he would run twice in one day , standing with the door open , but no answers came . After I circled the house again , and again there was nothing , I got in the car and headed out . It started when Patti left , and the frequency with which he was going was increasing , maybe being up to a couple times a week from a couple times a month , but he 'd never gone at night , or twice in one day , or even two days in a row . I wanted to call her and tell her what was going on and that maybe she should drop by more , or that he could go out and see her , and that maybe that would calm him down , or that she could talk to him and find out what was going on inside him . I tried once asking him how he was , and he said , fine , then I said that things didn 't seem fine , but he said that they were , and the more I pried the less I got . She could do it , could get through to him and find out what his problem was . She was good like that , or they were good like that together , at least when she was around . They had a history of her sort of getting him to be manageable . And of course I knew whatever the problem was she would blame me , knowing full well that her not being there had some major part to it , but she would ignore that and she would look at it as my fault because I could do nothing to fix it , or at least stem the flow of his running , and she would not be completely wrong , but I did not want to have that fight , or any fight , barely wanting to talk to her or even see her . Deep , I housed a stupid hope that she would find out somehow on her own , from a neighbor or friend , and it would be taken care of without my asking . The neighborhood was dark , there were no lights on at the Peterson place , and only a few windows of the other houses were lit down the street . I didn 't look too much over the lawns as I went . He almost never stayed local . When he got out , he would head into town , and there were only a few times I found him riding around the block , or off his bike nearby in someone 's yard , sitting by a tree , or chasing birds or something . When I crossed Oak and passed the gas station and got closer to where town started , I slowed the car as I moved my eyes over the side of the road all the way down , checking streets , and " Curt , " he said . " I ain 't insured for anyone to be back here except the people who work here . You know that . If you get hurt I could lose my business . " Lane had known Mary - Anne forever , but it wasn 't until he flunked out of college and came back that they got together . And they were married within a year , which surprised me and Patti . It wasn 't that he got her knocked up or anything , but that they kept saying something about kindred spirits and that they both wanted the same things out of life and could sit for hours talking about the most trivial things and that that was how they knew they could grow old together because everything between them had a weight that they both understood , why religion didn 't matter , and what was the best cola to drink with cheddar cheese , shit like that . He hadn 't paid a lick of attention to her before he came home , but when his father was threatening to throw him out unless he found something to do , suddenly it was all about Mary - Anne . It was nice having him around but I had to point all this out to him and when I did he just kept saying things about growing up and changing , and about how he could see the world as a bigger place , one that had a space just right for him . And that it all kind of fit with her . They made some plans to go out west that went on for awhile with an ever - changing destination , L . A . , San Francisco , Big Sur , L . A . again , but had a way of never coming to fruition , and when Lane 's old man got sick , he took over . Every once in a while Lane would talk about selling the deli , and going out west to , " maybe open a burger shack on the beach . " Patti or I would ask him how Mary - Anne felt about this , and he would say , " Oh , you know . " Then sometimes he would say something like , " It doesn 't even matter because we 're doing so well here . " No one was out there . I opened the chips and leaned against a small fridge when the door opened and Mary - Anne came through . She had boxes that she held with both hands , up in front of her face , and she did not see me until she put them on the counter . " Get out from behind there , " she said . I put chips in my mouth and went around front . " No , " she said . She separated the packages , and made sure she was getting them on the right racks . " Is that all ? " " I guess , " I said . Then she said , " You got your chips , Chris ain 't here , so why don 't you just go ? " She sounded tired . There was some movement by the door and Lane came out . " Make sure to put the really hot ones on the left , " he said to her . " Miles got some by mistake and wouldn 't shut up about it all week . " " No , " I said . " He got away from his trainer down in Wood Valley , and they think he 's on his way up here . " " That 's unbelievable , " he said . " I caught Chris trying to come here this morning , riding his bike when he wasn 't supposed to and I thought maybe he was trying to come back or something . I grounded him . He isn 't supposed to be out . And I sure as shit don 't want him out with this elephant on the loose . " " No , " I said to Lane , " I don 't think anyone 's spotted the elephant . I just heard it on the radio now and I went to tell Chris and he was gone . I think it just happened . " " Is Patti still living in Scottsdale ? " Mary - Anne said , " or did she go somewhere else ? " " That 's really the damndest thing I 've heard in a while , " Lane said . " Could you imagine this thing going down Main Street and ripping the place apart ? " he laughed . I took a soda from the cooler . " Are you gonna pay for that ? " she said . " Yes he is , " Lane said . " Curt , " he said . We weren 't saying anything . Then I said , " Christ , Mary - Anne , do you have to be a bitch every minute of the day ? Take five minutes off , it 'll do wonders for your skin . " They were looking at me . I stood by my car for a moment , expecting one or both of them to come out after me , and that there 'd be words , and we would all have a fine time hating each other in the open air of the parking lot , like at Big Burger the last time I ran into them , and Tres almost had to call the cops . But neither did , and I was there alone under the streetlight lit from above in a way that cut a triangle into the evening around me . When I finished the soda , I threw the bottle into the bushes and got in the car . At Brior Court I drove slow , going past the houses , checking the lawns and driveways , but did not see anything . I knew he wouldn 't be there . The kids from Brior Court did not come by anymore , and I did not know why they did not come by anymore , or why he did not go over there anymore , and whenever I asked he would only say that they were a bunch of assholes , and then I would have to get mad at him for cursing . It was not good for someone his age to spend so much time alone , and it frightened me that he might end up like Lane or like Mary - Anne , thinking that there was strength in not getting what you wanted . The radio made no more mention of the elephant . I put it on the station I had been listening to at the house , and it was nothing but music where a few songs played , and I listened through to the commercials and listened through those , but it went back to the classic rock without even an update on the traffic . I tried a few more stations then switched to AM , but there was nothing there either . The lights of the Penny house were bright in the picture window so that as I pulled up I could see all the way through to the kitchen where Jim was sitting at the table , talking to someone hidden on the other side . His voice was going then sort of broke when I knocked , then kept going but got louder as steps came closer , and as he opened the door he was still talking , and it took him a moment before he stopped to face me , and saw who it was . He paused , then he paused again , then he said , " Hey there , Curt , " then said , " What can I do for you ? " " Hi , Jim . How are you ? " " I do , " he said . Then he said , " Wish I could help you out , but I haven 't seen him . " " Was he here before ? Did he stop by and leave ? " " No , " he said , " he 's at what 's his name 's house . Bobby . He 's at Bobby 's house for some kind of sleepover . " " Not that I know of , " he said . " They been in the yard all day , right out front , now they 're upstairs . " " Could I talk to Nancy ? " I said . I got back in my car and drove away . The thought to go to Bobby Carp 's house came to me , but I knew he was not there , the same way he was not at Brior Court , the way I knew he was not where people would be . The wind rolled through the windows , pummeling my hair and making a racket as I picked up speed , and as it became louder , I hoped it would drown out the look on Jim Penny 's face when he saw who was standing in front of him . I went out to Miller Road , and drove past where the streetlights ended , toward the highway , and got going up to 70 , with the trees on the side a wavering blur as the car rocked , and I did not care if a deer or dog or anything jumped out in front of me . There were no houses , and no one else on the road , and I could almost feel the headlights pushing things out and away in front of me , cutting the road like a ship in waves . I pictured myself going on , driving out through the highway and not stopping . I pictured Chris coming home to nothing , and that as the night wore on and he was alone that the nothing would become greater , and it would fill all the rooms of the houses , and that when the rooms of the house were filled , and the sun was coming up , and I was still not there he would know that there was an end to things , and that this end , like most things , was mostly beyond your control . She was drunk and I was drunk , and we were all drunk at J . J . Thompson 's New Year 's Eve party . It was nearing midnight , and she hadn 't been around me all evening , and when I went to find her she was in the kitchen with J . J . and his girlfriend Lee . The subject of kissing when the ball would drop came up , and she said she wanted to kiss J . J . I said I wanted to kiss J . J . , and she said she was serious . I told her we could all kiss J . J . together and that it would be a gang bang of tongues . She said she wanted J . J . all to herself , that when the year changed over she wanted to feel his beard against her face , against her cheek , then she said she wanted to kiss his balls and see what kind of beard his balls had , and sheNothing else was around , and the bike sat there like a pensive lookout , unable to shout out a warning . There were no marks on it or dents and I walked it in a circle letting the peddles go , and the crank and the wheels seemed fine , then left it back against the wall where it had been . The air was thick and I waited another moment to see if I could hear him or hear anything like people or boys , but there was only the chirping of crickets and the buzzing of other bugs from the bushes beyond the car . I checked around the area and the building , but none of the doors or windows looked forced . There was no response . I left the car on , and the lights on , and walked over to the senior league field , the big field , and tried to look out into the dark , but could not see anything . The gate was locked so I jumped the fence , tearing the bottom cuff of my pants , and cursed as I went stumbling over . My heart raced , and I had to stand with my hands on my knees catching my breath . Being farther from the light of the car , I could see more . Nothing moved . In the open , things were cooler . It was not like the temperature had gone down or anything , but it was not hot . Sweat was no longer in my armpits or on my neck . I walked to the pitcher 's mound , then walked out to second base , and was about to yell his name again when I saw a lump in center field . I took a step and did not yell , and though I could not see what exactly it was I was sure it was him , lying on his back . There were candy wrappers around him in the grass , and he did not move as I came up on him . " You been to Lane 's ? " I said . " I know , " he said , " I went looking for him . Couldn 't find him . They said his name 's Bahir . He 's from India . " I was watching him but he was not looking at me . His face was tilted , and in the dark I could see him watching straight up . Everything was cool , and the orange glow from Wood Valley lay on top of the far tree line past the right field bleachers . I was about to kick him in the leg to rouse him , but stopped myself , and only continued to stand there and was thinking about how there was nothing waiting for us at home , seeing it in my head , the empty house , and the living room where I had left all the lights on . I squatted next to him . He put something in his mouth , and did not say anything for a long time . " We have to go , " I said . In a few weeks he would be going to junior high , starting a school where the boys did not fuck around anymore , with the fights going from a grammar school tussle that was nothing more than a pushing and pulling , nothing more than a wrestling around on the ground , to a squaring up and using your fists to throw punches to cause damage , where there was blood , and no time to learn . I squatted there looking at him until my knees were tired , and I could not stand . I let myself down on my side , then rolled on my back and stretched out in the grass . A breeze played over my face , and the cool of the dew wetted the insides of my arms and the palms of my hands . Around us was the field , and we lay there a long while until all at once I could feel , ahead in the trees , the movement of something great , not darker than the night , but bigger than anything else , bigger than the trees , and bigger than the both of us , moving slow and sure in plodded steps that broke branches and overturned rocks . I did not breathe . It moved with a loping swish . Chris was next to me and I could not hear him , but knew he was there . I could feel him laying next to me . I could feel him with me . I could feel him with me where we were , under the sky laying in the grass , in the damp , looking up into a mass of moonless clouds where only a few stars broke through , as it was coming , lumbering steady , lumbering from beyond the fence , coming toward us from a place where I could not see . Then neither of us said anything anymore . |
Plato once said : ' No one can escape his destiny . ' A popular TV show pointed out that ' Destiny is a fickle bitch . ' While I never really believed in destiny , looking back at my life I think they might both have had a point . In 1996 , my family moved to a somewhat small town in east Texas called Allentown for Margret , my adoptive mother , to start a new job . Of course , this had me starting high school in a brand new school ; but for a guy with no friends , that really isn 't a big deal . Our house was about a half mile from the school , close enough for me to walk , instead of taking a bus . The month before school , shortly after we moved in , I walked a few routes to Harry S . Truman High School to get an idea of how long it would take me and the best way to go . I would be walking by myself since the Jr . High , where my younger sister would be going , was further away and not in the same direction . I gave myself forty minutes to get to school that first day and took a pretty easy pace . My path had me coming into the school across what is known as the back parking lot that runs behind the school 's football field . It was small and mostly blocked from the main school , clearly either overflow for events or maybe good parking for the coaching staff . I was cutting out of the woods and just hitting asphalt when I heard the sounds . Grunts , a yelp ( or scream that was cut off before it got to full volume ) , and a bunch of scraping and thudding sounds . It was coming from between two cars off to my right . I could see a light brown head poke up between the cars a few times , before disappearing from view . There were two boys and a girl there . The guy closest to me was wearing some kind of rock band tour t - shirt , jeans with a rip just above the left knee and sneakers . He had dark hair . . . not quite black , but a very dark brown . His buddy was wearing a solid blue shirt and jeans , t - shirts and jeans seeming to be the go to clothing of choice for teenagers in the mid - 90s , along with some kind of work boot . This was the kid whose head I saw come into view a couple of times . In front of the kneeling dark haired kid was a girl lying on the ground . The light haired kid was holding her shoulders down on the ground , and had one hand over her mouth . Her shirt was torn enough that you could see her bra , and her skirt was pushed up to her waist . Her panties were torn and were only hanging onto one leg . She was kicking her feet , or attempting to , as the dark haired kid held one of her legs down while fumbling with his belt . It took about a second to take this whole scene in , but the one thing that really sticks with me was her eyes . I am not sure I will ever forget the pure fear and terror in her eyes . She saw me right as I came around the car and locked eyes with me . The pleading in her beautiful brown eyes was unmistakable as she silently begged me for help . I have never been in a real fight in my life . I had sparred in the dojo with other kids and even went to one competition the previous year , but this was different . I had never thrown a punch in anger . Actually , I 'd never felt real anger . Sure , I had been mad at my sister and mother , and even other kids , before . But that was always an annoyance kind of mad . What I felt at this moment was pure fury . I saw red . I didn 't think about it in the moment , but while this was an extreme situation I also had no idea who these people were , so looking back I am a little shocked at my reaction . I dropped my backpack , took two large steps forward , and grabbed the dark haired kid by the head . I slammed his head fully onto the back panel of the car next to him . There wasn 't much resistance to my grab and throw , since he had no idea I was there before I connected with him . As his head connected , his buddy turned to look up at me . He started to rise from his crouch , pulling his knee off the girl . This was totally the wrong move , however , as he was really off balance . Most of his weight on his back foot as he pushed up into a standing position . His hands were still lowered , just coming out of contact with the girl . I used the momentum of my movement forward and half pushing off his friend 's head with my left hand I raised my right foot and pushed into his chest . It wasn 't a kick really , I wasn 't in the right body potion for that and wasn 't able to put very much weight behind my thrust . Power however , wasn 't really needed , as he was so off balance . He fell backwards , bouncing off the front door of the opposite car his friend had hit , his head making a grazing contact with the rear view mirror . Both guys being down for a second I ignored them . I wasn 't going after them , I was just trying to get the girl free . I reached down , grabbed her hand and pulled her up . Turning but not letting go I pulled her after me , away from the two guys . Both of them were still down . They weren 't unconscious , just stunned from the sudden burst of violence against them , and being slammed against the automotive sheet metal . We cleared the small alley between the two cars , and I started pulling her towards the football field . The school lay on the other side of the field . It was then that I saw more people . In the distance was a preppy looking kid walking across the field to the school , and three other kids coming our way . The three kids coming our way did not look friendly . They looked a bit savage , and were running in our direction . One of them yelled out , A pretty sure sign this was not the Cavalry , or at least not ' my ' Cavalry . I changed the direction of our travel , not wanting to rush into these guys headlong . I rounded the car the dark haired kid bounced into and walked backwards putting a vehicle between me , the two kids just getting up off the ground , and their reinforcements . I pulled / pushed the girl behind me . " Stay behind me . If you break and run , one of these guys might veer off and grab you . Wait until I am tangled up with them , then run for the school . " Apparently , the commotion had already drawn attention , as he was looking our way . I am not sure if he was going for help or not , but he did take off towards the school . I could only hope he was getting me some reinforcements . I got a good look at these guys as they got up close . None were muscled , but also were not really out of shape . The guy in the middle was the tallest , at maybe five - eleven , with shoulder length hair that probably hadn 't seen a comb in years . His two friends were a little shorter . The long haired guy seemed to be in charge ; at least he spoke for the group as they closed . I will admit I was a little worried . The two original guys were getting to their feet and the new three were closing fast . Five on one odds is not great if you are the one . I did manage to keep my calm , however . While I am not some martial arts super star or ninja master , I had been studying Krav Maga pretty hard for the past four years . I know that 's not a lifetime of experience , but I had been going to the dojo four times a week , every week , for all those four years . I had really focused at it , too . Krav Maga is an Israeli martial arts form that mixes boxing , Judo , Aikido , grappling , and a bunch of other forms into a fighting style focused on real world situations . The key to Krav Maga is to take the most effective and efficient move to neutralize an opponent as quickly as possible . If formal karate was the ' champion show dog , ' focusing on grace and skill ; Krav Maga was the ' junk yard dog ! ' As the guy in front lunged to grab me , I pushed his reaching arm aside , grasping across my left arm with my right hand to lock onto his wrist . With my left arm I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into his momentum , while twisting , redirecting him in a shallow arc . Letting go , I managed to bounce him off his friend . This sent them both to the ground , gaining me a moment to deal with the guy closest to me who was already swinging a punch . Both my hands were out of position , having just let go of the kid I designated as ' leader ' in my mind , and my legs were still counterbalancing my throw . Not having any limbs to defend myself , I did the next best thing you can do to stop a punch : I took it . The thing you have to know about a punch is that the hand is actually really brittle . There are lots of little bones in there . That 's why boxers wear big padded gloves . The other thing to know is that behind your forehead is a pretty massive and solid piece of your skull known as the frontal bone . This part of your body was designed to take a blow , to protect your brain . I lowered my head , and took his fist on my forehead . This is a move I really don 't recommend to anyone . I am not going to lie . It rang my bell ! My vision grayed for a moment , but snapped back into place . I didn 't feel nausea , and didn 't have any double vision or blurring , so I felt pretty confident I didn 't have a concussion . I knew I was almost certainly going to have a colossal headache in a very short few minutes ! This , however , was probably no relief to the punch thrower . Many of the bones in his fist snapped or pulverized as he came into contact with my skull . You could hear them breaking . I think he might have broken his wrist , as well . Either way , he clutched his destroyed hand with his other , as he began to drop to his knees , yelling . Having no one else close enough , and not wanting to leave someone behind me still a threat ; I brought my body back into alignment , and pulled my knee forward against the side of his head as he was dropping . As his brain bounced against the inside of his skull , he went down and stopped moving . I didn 't put a lot of force behind it , so I was pretty sure he was just knocked out . . . but , he was definitely down . Heckle and Jeckle , the rapists from the beginning , were rounding the car as the leader and his buddy were getting off of the ground . As the leader was still within reach , I continued my motion forward from the knee strike , and started twisting . Planting my foot on the ground , I pulled around into a roundhouse kick against the leader 's jaw . I didn 't have great aim , as this is not a move I had practiced a lot . Also , I was aiming using only my starting peripheral vision . But , I did get a piece of him . Enough so that I felt the jaw pull , and I am pretty sure it was dislocated . It sent him spinning back to the ground . I followed this by pulling in the foot that had contacted him , planting it on the ground , and using my spinning momentum as I pushed out with a flat palm against his friend that was just up and starting forward again . I caught him in the chest , and really got some power behind it . It did feel like I had just dead armed a brick wall , and I knew my shoulder would complain , later ; but I was rewarded with a solid " oof " from the guy as he flew backwards , trying to suck in air . He would be down for a least a minute , trying to get oxygen back into his lungs . This cleared me to turn on his two rapist friends who had been coming at me , but were for the moment out of my line of sight . As I rounded on them , both were looking at their downed friends as they pulled up sharply . I could see them reconsidering . At that moment , shouts could be heard from the direction of the football field . Clearly , retreat seemed the better part of ' valor ' to them . I stepped back , protectively putting a hand back and grabbing the girl 's arm where she was standing in stark terror . I looked at the handful of adults just now crossing the far parking lot before getting onto our side of the football field . Confirming that the three guys wouldn 't be back up before the adults got to us , I turned around and looked into the girl 's eyes . I didn 't get much of an answer from her . Rather , I got her release of terror and raw emotions . Tears began pouring from her eyes as she was overcome with wracking sobs . She rushed forward and grabbed onto me like a drowning man would grab a life preserver , clutching me to her with all her might . " The two guys who ran into the woods were attacking this girl , and I am pretty sure they were trying to rape her . I knocked them off of her , and tried to get her out of there , when these three of their friends showed up . They attacked me , I defended myself . The two original guys just took off into the woods when they saw you coming . " " Okay . I will stay with these guys . Mr . Garcia , please take these two students to the nurse . Then call the police and an ambulance . " At the nurse 's office , it took a little coaxing , but they managed to pry the girl off me . They took her into the nurse 's office , while I was placed in a seat in the infirmary to wait . Another lady , I guess a second nurse or maybe a teacher , stayed with me . After explaining again , what had happened , I told her about the blow to my head , and asked for some Tylenol or aspirin . The headache I 'd predicted had arrived with a vengeance . We sat there , quietly , with sobs still coming out of the nurses office for about thirty minutes , until a police officer came into the room . He ignored me and walked into the nurse 's office , closing the door . After about twenty more minutes , he came back out and asked me to go over everything . I did . He asked me to do it again . So I told him it again . After scribbling in his note pad he stepped outside where I saw him key his shoulder mic , say a few words I couldn 't quite hear and listen to a longer unheard response . A few more minutes of back and forth continued before he came back in to talk to me . Sitting down in a chair across from me , he smiled for the first time since he had walked into the room . " So it seems you saved that little girl in there . She confirmed everything you said , to the letter , and another witness who saw part of what occurred backs up your story , too . While that was pretty stupid . . . getting into a fight with so many guys . . . you really did a good thing , today . I have to ask , what the hell did you do to those three guys ? They are pretty messed up ; and the paramedics are saying two , at least , have broken bones . " I shrugged my shoulders and said , " I defended myself . I have been taking martial arts for several years and I just kind of reacted . I didn 't really mean to hurt them , and I was trying to pull some of my punches when I knew they could cause permanent damage , but it happened really fast . This was my first true fight , so it was all adrenaline and training , I guess . " " Ha ! Kid , if this was your first fight , I would hate to see what you could do with experience . I will say we never condone that kind of violence , but if there was ever a case of self - defense , this is clearly that . The girl is headed to the hospital to get checked out , but she is pretty much begging for you to go with her . It 's all the nurse can do to keep her from rushing back in here . Until she gets checked out and can talk to someone , we really need to keep her calm . Her mother is going to meet us at the hospital , but told her daughter it was okay for you to go with her . Would you be willing to do that ? " I used the phone sitting on the counter and left a message on her voice mail , as my mom was at her new job and I didn 't have that number . Tina was at school . I figured that was good enough . Turning , I told the officer I was okay to go , and sat back in the chair . He stepped into the office again . After a second , the girl rushed out , threw herself on my lap , and went back to clutching me . She was still crying , not that I blame her . As traumatic events go , this had to be way up there . I just continued to tell her it would be okay , and rocked her until the officer finished whatever he was doing in the office , and came to get us . We went to the guy 's car with the girl maintaining a two handed grip on my hand the whole way . I am sure word of the events had spread . What seemed like hundreds ( but was probably more like dozens ) of kids and teachers watched us walk out of the office , and out the front of the school into the parking lot . The ride to the hospital was pretty quiet . They allowed me to stay in the room with her until the doctor came in . At that point , they asked me to sit outside in the hall . When I sat down a man in a suit came up and introduced himself as a detective . He had me answer all the same questions again , had me write out everything that happened and fill out a form . I had agreed to press charges on all the guys for assault and said if they found the other two guys ; I would testify that they tried to rape the girl . It was at that moment it occurred to me I had no idea what her name was . When we finished , I was told I could go in and see her , as she was going to be released shortly . Going into the room , I saw she was sitting on the bed wearing a hospital gown . She looked much calmer than before . I sat in a chair next to her . This was the first time I had gotten a good look at her . She had light brown hair that flowed part way down her back , a heart shaped face , and really expressive light brown eyes . Even in a hospital gown , I could see she was in excellent shape , with fairly small breasts . Her legs were muscled , but in a very feminine way , and looked really smooth to the touch . She was completely stunning . " You know , that is pretty much the only thing you have said to me . Yeah , I 'm okay . Still really shaky , but nothing really happened . . . I mean , they didn 't get a chance to do anything to me . " " I want to say ' thank you . ' You saved my life . Those guys were really brutal and I know I was so close to being raped . I couldn 't do anything ! I don 't think I have ever been that scared in my whole life . " She pulled my hands to get my attention and shook her head . " No , I don 't think anyone would have done it . You saved me , and fought off five guys . You put your body between me and them the whole time . " She hopped down off the table and I could tell her height . She was pretty short , maybe a good foot shorter than I am , when I stand up . She plopped down onto my lap and hugged me tightly as she whispered in my ear . Apparently , there was a gang that got together a few years ago , in the middle school they all attended . It was led by a kid named Jake Masuko , the long - haired thug I had correctly identified as their leader . In the gang is his cousin Ralph , the red haired kid named Tommy , and the two that tried to rape Zoe . The dark haired kid is called Tyler Jones and the other kid was Tony Miller . They 'd had a thing for Zoe for a while , it seemed , and had tormented her all through middle school . She lived not far from me and seemed to walk the same path . Tyler and Tony must have known that was where she was going to walk , and were lying in wait for her . They had grabbed her as she cleared the woods and pulled her down , saying awful stuff to her and pulling at her clothes . That was when I made my entrance . When she finished the story , although I felt she had over - embellished my fight against the guys , her mother let Zoe go and marched over to me . She grabbed my hands and with a surprising strength yanked me to my feet . Although noticeably shorter than me , Zoe 's mother pressed me into her ample chest and did her best impersonation of a python as she tried to squeeze the air out of my lungs in what only masochists would call a hug ! She held her head against me , and her voice was choked with tears . Zoe turned to her mom . " Mom , can Cas come home with us for lunch ? I still feel pretty shaky but I 'm much better when he is with me . I don 't think the school will let us come back today , anyway , with what has happened . " I was surprised with how sad she looked for a second , " I am sorry to hear that , Cas . I think , at least until it is time for school to let out , that it would be better for you to come back with us instead of going to an empty house . You were released to the police by the school , so I have to talk to the officer for a moment about this . " " I hope you don 't mind I keep hanging off you . I am still really torn up . I feel much better when you hold on to me . " Mrs . Bell came back in the room after another minute and looked at us for a second before speaking . " The officer said it would be okay for Cas to go home with us until we can contact his parents . Zoe , you are being discharged . I need to go do some paperwork , and you need to get dressed . Cas , would you please wait outside until Zoe is decent . " The ride to her house was actually pretty short . When we pulled into her driveway I pointed out that , I lived just one street over . It was already well past lunch , the police and hospital having taken the entire morning , so Mrs . Bell made us some sandwiches with chips and a couple of cokes . " It 's okay , Mrs . Bell . Those are always the questions people ask when they find out my past . Yes , I am adopted , and I have no idea about my birth parents . I was dropped off at a hospital in New York City when I was a baby , and transferred into the Texas system the same year . They 're not really sure of my exact age . I was shifted down to Texas and moved around the foster system until the Grey 's adopted me , five years ago . " Zoe 's interest continued as she asked , " Wow . So how did you get your name ? If they don 't know how old you are , how do you know when it 's your birthday ? " " Really , it 's okay , Mrs . Bell . I don 't mind the questions , I have nothing to hide . I am not sure who gave me my name . I know it wasn 't given to me by my birth parents , as no note was left with me when I was dropped off . I can only guess that whoever picked it was either a big fan of the Narnia books , or really liked the inland seas of Asia Minor . " " I didn 't have a last name while I was in the system but they agreed to give me a note to go with my birth certificate . It does make applying for stuff hard , since on my original birth certificate it just has ' Caspian ' on it and the date is left blank . I never really celebrated a birthday when I was in foster care so about five months after I was adopted John , that was the name of my adopted father , declared that June 5th was my birthday and threw me a party . " I smiled at the memory and then frowned . " He died the next month . " " Apparently he had some kind of problem with his heart . The doctor said it sometimes beat in an irregular pattern . He had improved his diet over the previous year , cut out salt and stuff like that , and even started to exercise . They couldn 't say for sure what finally pushed his heart too much , but apparently the heart beat thing got worse until he had a massive heart attack . It 's weird , I remember it really clearly . It was a Saturday morning and he had just sat down to watch some TV with me . " " No , not really . John 's death hurt Margret , my adoptive mother , a lot . Bringing me into the family was really his idea and there are clues that she was not really on board with the idea . To her credit , she has always treated me fairly , and has taken care of me . Tina was already seven by the time I came along , and I am sure I was a shock to her previous ' only child ' way of life . So no , I am not really close to either . " " It 's okay , really . I know people hear all kind of horror stories about kids who grow up in foster care . You hear about abuse and neglect . I never really had any of that . While I wasn 't with anyone for very long , none of the families that housed me treated me bad . They were all generally pretty fair . " " I guess . That was where the Grey 's lived when I moved in with them , and we stayed there until Margret changed jobs this summer . To be honest , I really didn 't have any friends . Foster care is a pretty lonely lifestyle , and I guess I just never picked up the skills . I read a whole lot , and Margret has supported my hobbies . " Zoe hopped up and hugged me tightly . From the look on Mrs . Bell 's face , I could tell she kind of wanted to do the same thing . After letting Zoe hug me a few seconds more I pushed her gently back and looked back into her eyes . " It 's okay . My life has been pretty good and I am happy with it . It 's not the normal story but it wasn 't bad . All the horror stories you might hear about foster care didn 't happen to me and I have had plenty of stuff to focus on . " " Nothing will happen . I will even leave my door open . I am just feeling really fragile , and Cas makes me feel better . I would really like to be held while I fall asleep . " " I guess these are special circumstances . I will allow it , but leave the door open . " She turned , looked directly at me , and said , " Please continue being the gentleman you have been so far . I am a big fan of yours , right now . Please do not make me have to change my mind . " Zoe 's room was ' all girl . ' Having a sister three years younger than myself , I had seen this before ; but , if anything , Zoe 's room was more girly than Tina 's . Pink was clearly a favorite theme . I slipped off my shoes and stood awkwardly for a second . I had never had friends , let alone a girlfriend . Other than the exceedingly rare . . . and frankly , somewhat cold . . . hugs from my ' mother , ' I 'd barely had any female contact whatsoever . In fact , the hugging I had received from Zoe today had already exceeded my lifetime amount of female contact . I was way out of my depth . " It 's okay . Nothing is going to happen . I just really need someone to hold me . Don 't be nervous . Despite what my mom thinks , I don 't think I could handle a guy touching me in a sexual way right now . I would freak the hell out . " She toed off her shoes , grabbed my hand and pushed me onto the bed . I lay down and scooted back against the wall , giving her room . She lay down as well and pushed her back and butt against me , shifting for a second to snuggle in . Reaching around her , she grabbed my left arm and laid it down so she could rest her head on me . She grabbed my other arm , and pulled it across her placing my palm flat against her shirt - covered stomach . We lay there quietly for an eternity ; well , it seemed that way . It was probably closer to five or ten minutes . Her breathing started to slow down and even out . The slow rhythm of her breathing lulled me to sleep as well . A scream pulled me back to consciousness . It was getting late . The sun was on its way down , outside the window , and I was still on Zoe 's bed . She was screaming , telling whatever mysterious attacker to get away , and leave her alone . I started stroking her hair , and saying ' it 's okay , ' over and over . The half - ajar door burst open , and Zoe 's mother flew into the room . I looked at her with pleading eyes , as I continued to stroke Zoe 's hair . As her mother neared the bed , the yelling stopped and Zoe 's eyes flew open . We all stopped for a second , and everyone seemed to hold their breath . Movement returned as Zoe rolled around and clutched me , sobbing . " It 's okay , Zoe . You 're safe . I got there in time . No one is going to hurt you . You 're safe , now . " I looked pleadingly at her mother , who did something completely surprising . She smiled at me and backed out of the room . What the hell ? I thought I might have some parental back up for this terrified teenager in my arms . " I found your number in the new school directory , and called your mom at your home . I explained everything that had happened , and asked if you could spend some more time , here . I think Zoe might really need that . Your mom seemed fine with you staying here , tonight . " That last sentence was said with an unusual frown , and I wasn 't quite sure if the frown was for my staying at their house or at something else . Also , was I just told I was supposed to spend the night with Zoe ? My world went upside down for a second . For a kid who had never had friends , before , this was moving at light speed , and it was a little hard for me to keep up . " I gave her our address , and directions . She said your sister would bring over a bag of stuff . Also , I checked around here . Your backpack , with your school books , is apparently still in the nurse 's office . You can get it there , tomorrow . " As if on cue , there was a knock on the door . I sat down on the on the couch , and Zoe sat right next to me , once against pushing against me and grabbing my hand . Mrs . Bell returned with Tina in tow . She carried my small gym bag , which I always took to the Dojo . Tina was shorter than Zoe , with light brown hair that went just past her shoulders . She was really petite . Since she had never been much into sports , she was not terribly athletic . She was just past puberty and her body was just starting to fill out . Mrs . Bell escorted Tina out as I silently held Zoe 's hand . When she returned I could tell Mrs . Bell was muttering something , but couldn 't make it out . She looked up and her frown disappeared into a smile . " Okay , kids , let 's eat some dinner . You guys took a pretty long nap . Cas , after seeing the nightmare Zoe had , I think she could use your company again , tonight . Would you mind staying with us for a little while ? I plan on getting Zoe to see someone , to talk about what happened , but she seems to feel better with you here . I don 't want to take that away from her , at the moment . And , you did a good job at being a gentleman during your nap . " Dinner was interesting . We ate spaghetti and there were a lot more questions . They were all pretty much general questions , this time . Mrs . Bell told me how Zoe 's dad had also passed away , although when Zoe was much younger . They were both really interested in my martial arts , and seemed to have never ending questions about it . After dinner , we sat down and put on a movie , a comedy . I am pretty sure Mrs . Bell picked carefully in hopes of relieving some of the terror Zoe had felt , earlier in the day . I sat in a big recliner that they said had originally belonged to Mr . Bell . Zoe crawled up in the recliner with me . I won 't lie , it was really nice . I am a pretty typical male , and at fifteen years old , I really appreciated women . My lack of experience should not belie my enjoyment or fascination with them . I was certainly enjoying all the close contact I was having . However , a combination of respecting Zoe 's fragile state , her mother being in the room , and my nervousness at all the new experiences , kept me from getting excited . Thank goodness ! When the movie ended , Mrs . Bell said we both had to go to school tomorrow , so it was time for bed . She showed me the shower , guest towels and everything , and handed me my bag . Looking inside I could see a change of school clothes as well as shorts and a t - shirt , my normal sleep attire . It seems Margret or Tina , whoever packed this bag , knew or assumed I was spending the night . I took a quick shower , changed into the t - shirt and shorts , and went to Zoe 's room . She had gathered up her stuff , told me she would be back , and walked out of the room . I sat awkwardly on her bed and looked around the room . There were a few posters of popular bands , some trophies that looked gymnastics related , a few stuffed animals , and a bookshelf with a lot of books I recognized . I was just considering going to look at what books were there , when Zoe came back . She was wearing boxer shorts that showed a lot of her amazingly defined legs . My t - shirt almost covered even her boxer shorts it was so long on her . I was stunned that she had grabbed my dirty t - shirt and put it on . She must have noticed me staring at it . I had no idea what to make of that statement , so chose my normal policy of saying nothing . She came over and pushed me back on the bed . Crawling into bed , she lifted the covers over us , laid her head on my chest and threw a leg over me . After a few seconds , she lifted back up to look into my face . " You don 't have to thank me , Zoe . I did what was right , and I am glad you are okay . It works out in my favor , anyway . I think I have made my first friend . " " You have , you really have . I have lots of friends , but you are going to be my best friend . And wait till we go back to school ! I know my other friends are really going to like you almost as much as I do . " With that , she leaned down and kissed me . It wasn 't passionate . It was closed - mouthed , soft and tender , and felt like a thousand volts of electricity were shooting through my body . It seemed to go on forever , before she pulled away . She once again looked into my eyes , and smiled . |
She had worked hard to get where she was , and her charm always opened doors for her when new prospects showed . Her husband , Mathew , was tall dark and no so bad on the eye . He was a doctor , a neurosurgeon to be precise and owned a very busy practice . He loved his work , and his family . Her daughters , Olivia and Mia , were six and four respectively . They were both in ballet classes and seemed to have a bright future ahead of them . Olivia was more like her mum ; proper , polite and sweet . She wanted to be an architect when she grew up . She enjoyed Lego bricks and had no time for dolls . Mia , on the other hand , reminded Claire of her brother . She was clumsy , loud and spoke her mind . Ballet was a bore for her , and she did not understand why she had to wear dresses for family functions . She would be the child climbing trees . chasing goats and being a mess wherever she went . But she was loved as she was , she was truly a beautiful mess . Claire was on Facebook now . She had finally settled on the family photo to share with the world . They had recently taken a trip to Zanzibar as a family , and had used a private jet . There was a portrait of them all in front of the jet . The wind was so strong she had to hold her hat in place . But the surprised look on her face looked good on her . Mathew had a half - smile going on , which was good enough , and the girls were so excited they were caught jumping mid - air . This was the perfect little family . It would definitely have the girls talking , and quite jealous . She remembered when Mathew used to accompany her on her rounds . That was before daddy opened up a practice for him . Now , work took charge of his life . He came home around eleven , tired , hungry and sleepy . At times , he also came home drunk . He 'd find Olivia and Mia asleep most of the time . The time they cherished for catching up was gone as they never had dinner together any more . They mainly had business like conversations . There 's an investment that needs his signature , they have an appearance at a party , there 's a fundraiser at home , bills that need be paid . She didn 't remember the last time he really looked at her , the last time he told her she looked beautiful without anyone around to hear his words . She looked at her photo , which already had thirty likes and a few comments about how happy and blessed she was to have such a man in her life . She smiled , remembering the drama that ensued before he agreed to the trip . She had to talk to his PA to cancel his appointments . He yelled at her , saying she had cost him millions . She transferred some money to his account for the time he lost during the trip . She booked the plane , the hotel , planned the itinerary and paid for it all . She was angry at him , for not stepping up . She was angry at herself , that she had allowed their dreams , ambitions and desire to be famous separate them . That they were okay acting out a role , rather than living their lives . She remembered her dear friend , Aida , who had opened up about how miserable she was in her marriage . She spoke about his affair with her friends , the wastage of money , the emotional abuse and they all turned their backs on her . She got divorced , and got the family house . She got a hefty amount and was still getting maintenance fees each month . She was free but still had her life . But being a single mother , a divorcee did not sit well with the circle . Members agreed it best to have her off the book club . She was not invited to events any more , and what 's worst , her kids were not readmitted to school as the school culture did not believe in single parenting . She was shut off , while her husband moved on and got a new wife who was celebrated and embraced into the circle . She sighed . That would never be her . She would not be rejected , ridiculed or laughed at . She had invested too much in this life to let go of it . It was who she was , it was what she knew to do . Mathew may not love her any more , but they were cordial enough with each other . He respected her , and she did him . Maybe somewhere along the line , they would fall in love again . It was dusk . The compound was more quiet compared to her neighbors . You could see the sun setting against the baobab tree , and she sat on a three legged stool next to her three stone fire cooking a meal for her family of three . " Mum , mummy … . where are you ? " her daughter called excitedly from the front yard . She had a notebook , pen and bracelet in hand . It was from the mission . There was a white woman there who had taken fond of her daughter . " Mummy , I was with the other children . The missionaries gave us all . I tried to refuse but it looked bad … and when Rukia got a pink book and the beads on the pen , I wanted one . You know she 'll come with it to school , and so will the others and I 'd be the only one without one … . " Aisha smiled at her daughter . She had a way with words , plus she was adorable . " Go put them in the house child , it 's okay , " she said smiling at her daughter . " And Rehema , there are two blankets under your bed , please bring them and put them behind the Baobab tree . " Aisha 's mind was on her husband now . He would be home in about half an hour . She only had half an hour to prepare the home for her husband . She served Rehema some food and asked her to eat . Her father might be late , and she is a growing girl . She had school the next day and needed be ready for bed soon . She asked Rehema clean her plate once done . A girl is never too young to learn what is expected of her as a woman in society and in the home . After the cleaning , Aisha took out her bible . They were reading the book of Daniel today . It was Rehema 's favorite . She loved how Daniel survived in the lion 's den . She always said that if God did that for Daniel , He would help them all get a better life . Aisha loved instilling hope in her daughter . It was important for her to know that God did not intend for them to suffer , nor live in poverty . She needed faith and confidence to have a better life than what they had now . As if on impulse , she methodically stood up ad walked to the door . She opened the door with a smile on her face . " Welcome home my husband . " He took a handful of rice and soup and put it in his mouth . He 'd always insist on eating with his hands as per their tradition . He then picked a piece of chicken and bit into it . He sighed in appreciation . " Liar ! " he shouted as he threw the glass against the wall . " You 've become someone 's whore ! You whore around for money thinking it will make you happier ! You 've been seen with that missionary man for long , you thought I wouldn 't know ? You whore ! " " But Baba … " she cried while on the floor , " I have done nothing wrong . I work hard to make money to make us both happy … Baba , please listen to me . I would never betray you . Please don 't kick us out tonight … " He was dragging her out as he said this . Aisha cried . She begged . She called onto God which infuriated her husband . He hit her and finally threw her out of the house . He called their daughter and asked her to follow her mother or face his wrath . Aisha and her daughter were out in the cold , dark night - again . She hugged her daughter who was crying silently . She held her for two minutes and reminded her of how strong Daniel from the Bible was . She told her she needed to be strong , and that not all man were like her father . She asked her to pray for her father , that he may change his ways and be a good dad like Rukia 's or any of her friends . She asked her daughter to promise she would pray . Wiping off her tears , she promised she would pray for him . A woman sat in the waiting hall of the hospital . It was a quiet room , not too crowded , with a soft music playing in the background . The receptionist was in a jovial mood as she moved her head to the beat . Priscilla , on the other hand was worried . She did not know what the doctors would say . Sue , her daughter , was in the bathroom producing a sample . She had refused for her mother to join her when she saw the doctor and she could only guess how bad it was . She had raised a rebel , a stubborn child . The environment she had been raised in , was not what most people considered normal . Priscilla had married a mad man , mad in the sense that , he did not want to be a husband . He was always in bars , with prostitutes and other people 's wives , downing his entire pay . Then he would come home , drunk and hungry , demanding food that he had not provided . When the children did not go to school on time due to fees , he would complain , yet he never removed a penny . So the day she confronted him , he hit her once . Then he did it again , and again , and again , in front of the children . And they grew hard , distant and stubborn . She finally got the courage to leave him , but by that time , her daughter saw her differently . She did not listen to her mother , and fights were normal things in their home . Her son , Jacob , got a job and moved out immediately . This only worsened her relationship with Sue . She felt like her mother was controlling her , and Priscilla felt disrespected . So Sue did what she knows best . She ran away from home , and went to live with a boy in a shanty place . She switched off her phone therefore her mother could not find her . Relatives kept telling Priscilla that they had seen Sue in town , she had grown thin and weak , but was still too stubborn to come back home . Life had been cruel to her . Rumor had it that her so called boyfriend beat her from time to time . So when Priscilla got a call from her daughter saying that she did not feel well , and had no money to go to the hospital , she ran to her aide . When she saw her daughter , how thin , unhappy and weak she looked , she almost broke down to tears . She wanted to embrace her , drag her home and bring back her senses , but she just stood there , and they walked on in silence . " Well , I 'm sorry for wanting to know how my daughter has been . I haven 't seen nor heard from you for the past seven months . Is it not only fair that I - " " Please , that victim thing you use won 't work on me . Your life has been better without me in it and so has mine . I did not call you so that I may come back home with you , trust me , you were the last option on my book . And I 'm sorry if I bothered you . So let 's keep this as light as it can be till we are done . " Priscilla sighed . She still could not get through to her . So she just sat there , asked nothing and ate her food , waiting for Sue to at least say something . " Well , your results are back , " started the doctor as her opened her file . " It shows that you contracted an STI , and that is why you have been bleeding . Not to worry , it happens often to women in your condition and is curable with no effect at this stage . " Priscilla turned to face her daughter angrily . " God ! ! Seventeen and pregnant ! Well Sue , if you wanted to spite me , you 've done it now ! " She laughed . " It 's for Gerald , right ? You think if you give him a child he 'll stick by you . Honey , he 's only twenty one , with no stable job - " " Making very little cash to sustain you both , let alone a child . Sue … you are making a mistake . That boy is not ready for commitment , and if he is beating you already , he clearly does not love you . Haven 't you learnt anything from my experience with your father ? Sue , you need to come home now , this has gone on far long enough . We need to work on our relationship , and get you back to school , shape your future , make sure you get the life you deserve . And we 'll start by getting rid of that … that thing inside of you . Do I make myself clear Sue ? " Priscilla got no response . She turned around , but she was too late . She could see her daughter from a distance , in a matatu , disappearing once more . She sighed and sat on her old chair , under the shade of her small umbrella . It was only mid day and she was tired . She wiped sweat from her forehead and adjusted her scarf . Her neighbor , Munyiva , looked at her and smiled . " Aah Maria , on these days your child will graduate from University , and your hard work will finally pay off . Imagine that , a market vendor 's lineage bringing forth a teacher ! " " No , not at all , " she said unpacking her vegetables . " As you can see from my vegetables , I got to Mariakani before all of you . I just made a detour on my way here . You see , a scandal has erupted . " " The church I tell you … Pastor Oghene , of the Deliverance Church , that Nigerian has come here to use our church going women , " she said , pausing the gasps to die down . " Yes , he claimed to be a man of God , performing miracles . The blind could see , the lame could walk and for the women , the barren could conceive . " Maria 's customer was in no rush now … she wanted to hear the gossip . She did , after all , go the man 's church . And so did Maria . " A bitter woman called this radio show yesterday , the one that exposes cheats and adulterers . Apparently she had been with the pastor for a year , giving her tithe and praying dutifully each day for a child . Her husband wanted to leave her and marry a fertile woman . So when the pastor said that the first born should be dedicated to God , and by dedicated , I mean from the man of God , she did not refuse him . No one ever questions pastors , right ? " " I would say about fifty , if not more . They had all slept with him , without protection . Many were their to get a refund on their tithes for their miracles had not come through . Others had been kicked out of their homes by their husbands who had now found out the truth . " Kamene laughed . " You think these Nigerian men are not clever ? Eh ? After the radio show the man packed his things and left the town . Only his god knows where he is ; the next town planning the next con or he 's back in Abuja . Rumor has it he has a wife there … " The sitting room was exactly as he had left it . A huge cupboard to his left , hiding the utensils mother had bought from her chama , with the TV , of course , covered with a clothing covering it . He sighed . He had spent most of his childhood seated in front of that screen , watching Sonic and Rainbow stars ; those were his favorite cartoons . In front of him was a table , with breakfast . A huge thermos , full of tea , Blue Band margarine and bread . It looked dim in the room , the windows had heavy curtains and blinds that made the room somewhat stuffy . He sipped on to his tea greedily , ignoring how hot it was , it had been two days since his last meal . The maid sat on the dinning table , feeding the child . She was ten years now , he last saw her when she was four . He could tell she was nervous to see him , she was curious who he was and what he was doing in their home so early . He tried to smile and ease her , but it made it worse . She heard the girl asking the maid , asking who he was . And she , ordered the girl to quit being so nosy , to finish her breakfast quick if she wanted to go out and play . Soon the neighbors started flowing in . Borrowing sugar , a religious book they had borrowed or they were just in the neighborhood . But he knew , they all knew that they wanted to see him . His mother , who was from taking a bath , accommodated the first five , but after that , chased them all away . This was no market , she said . There was nothing to see , and if they expected a show , she would give them one , she barked . She went on about privacy and God knows what , when all the while he sat there , listening . He had missed her . Three years had passed since her last visit . Maybe she thought he had died , or maybe he had forgotten her . Maybe , maybe she did not love him any more … She looked at her son . He had grown thin , weak . He was no longer the vibrant boy she knew . But yet , when he smiled at her , the gleam his eyes was the same , reminding her that a piece of him still existed , somewhere , in there … She poured him another mug of tea and poured herself one . She then passed the bread towards his direction and beckoned him to eat . She assured him that he was safe , and that he could eat all he wanted . She watched him as he ate . Her boy . She remembered how stubborn he was as a child , choosing his own path and preferring his own company to his siblings . He always had a vivid imagination , that grew wilder each passing day . Whenever they would go to the country side and sit by the fire at night , he would be the one entertaining everyone with his stories . They would become so vivid , so real and ghastly , his father had to make him stop . When Richard passed on , her little boy became deluded . He would awake in the middle of the night , sweating , screaming . Screaming that his father wanted to take him to the other side and he did not want to go . Then grandma came to visit , and an owl perched itself outside his window . Grandma said the boy was a bad omen , that the spirits wanted him . She had a ritual performed to cleanse him , but the owl came each night . After a fortnight she left , and vowed never to visit so long as the boy lived there . She remembered how she tried to save her little boy . She took him to the preacher , to cast out demons , but he stood there , confused . She tried therapy but nothing worked . His siblings no longer wanted to play with him , he got kicked out of school and was leading a lonely life . Then the Missionary came . She suggested that the boy go to Mathare . It was a hospital , for the mentally ill . There was a doctor there who could help her boy . And so , in each bid to help her son , she packed a few belongings and told him they were going on a short trip into the city . He was happy to leave , to see a new world . When they got to the hospital , sister Ann ( as they called the nurses ) was very warm and welcoming . All the patients looked happy , clean and healthy . And the doctor , he said her boy was undergoing trauma , he had after all , lost his father . He needed to stay with them for a few months . And since the fee was reasonable , and her boy would be healed , she saw no reason to refuse . So she felt her son in the city , in the hands of strangers and hoped for a miracle . She visited him each month and he cried . Cried to go home with her , begged to leave . And each time she would say , " Not yet baby , the doctors are here to fix you . " Two years passed and she quit visiting . He was not getting better , they said . He stuck to his own company , talking to himself , talking to his father . He said he saw things , they called it paranoia . She did not know who to believe , so she ignored them both . She forgot about her baby . The news said that forty of them had escaped , that seventy of them attacked the guards and only forty escaped . And her boy was one of them . There was a search for them , and they knew , they knew he would come home . They had called her in advance to warn her . " Oh , " she said somewhat confused by the calmness in his voice . " And … do you still see them , son ? Do you still see your father ? " She picked the remote and turned on the television . He sat there , dazed for an hour . He did not even notice her leave the room . For once , he felt young again . Normal . Like he was when a child . He did not want to leave home , ever again . There was a knock on the door , a knock his mother rushed to , too fast . He knew something was wrong . Then he saw them . He saw Sister Ann and the ward attendants . They had come for him , and nobody would help him . As they pushed him to the car , he called out for his mother , he wanted her to save him . But she stood there , looking at him , holding herself . Then he heard her say it , say the words that drove him mad ; " Not yet baby , not until the doctors fix you . " Wacha , in the real sense of the word was ' let go ' , and when asked in question form meant , ' are you ready to let go ? ' . In response , ' aaa ' meant yes . So what everyone was asking me was if one day I would be ready to let go , to leave my family and start my own . And unknowingly I said yes every time as it was expected of me . All these greetings had been amounting up to this moment , I realized . I knew it was coming , this day , but I did not think it would be this soon . Mule was the sixth suitor who had come home for my hand . Like the rest , he visited with the local brew for father , who always took it , grunted a few words and asked the men to leave . He always had a poker face around them , and as always , when it was time for the fifth visit , he would politely decline saying that his first born daughter deserved so much better . So when I saw the sixth group come to visit , I payed no attention . As always , the first three visits were of seven men of the same age group . The suitors identity was kept secret to the fourth visit , where their number would have reduced to two , and elderly men from his clan would accompany . I had seen how Mule looked at me , how his eyes were fixed on me while the other maidens and I fetched water by the stream . He never said a word , nor smiled at me . He just looked . In my usual cheery mood , I strolled to the river singing tunes that would be heard at night . I was an excellent dancer , and I knew today , I would dance the night away . Excited and deeply engrossed in thought , I never noticed the group of boys until it was too late . That was when it hit me . The numerous gifts at home , mother talking in whispers , the day she clang on to me and the cows ! seven grand bulls mysteriously gathered with our flock . Father had sold me off without saying a word ! I was placed in a hut , dark and damp . All windows were closed and there were no cracks for me to peer through . Those were the worst three hours of my life . Then the women flocked in with cow fat , perfume and flowers . They had a new hide for me , they said I must be the most beautiful woman of all tonight , that today was the climax of my induction to society . That today was the last day any man was allowed to admire me knowingly , for as of morning , I would belong to one man only . It was night and the dance and festivities out my door told me it was time . I was scared . Was I to be wed to an old man as a fourth or fifth wife , having his children for age mates ? Would I be his favorite and hated by the rest of his wives ? What was to become of me , I kept asking myself . |
Introduction : There 's something in the water . . . " I cannot think of the deep sea without shuddering at the nameless things that may be crawling and floundering on its slimy bed . I dream of a day when they may rise to drag down mankind - when the land shall sink , and the dark ocean floor ascend amidst universal pandemonium . " Ronnie woke to Mei crying on the phone , saying Boyd wasn 't there and hadn 't shown up to work and hadn 't answered any of her calls for two days . Ronnie heard the baby crying on the other end of the line , and even though it was three in the morning Ronnie and Alan both woke up and went over to Mei and Boyd 's apartment a few blocks down to check on things . Mei spent the whole night pacing and drinking coffee and rocking little Sandra in her arms . " She 's crying because she knows , " Mei said . " She knows her daddy is gone . " Ronnie took the baby and bounced her , trying to make her laugh . " She 's just being fussy , " Ronnie said . " I 'm sure Boyd is fine . He 's probably just , you know . . . out . " That was the word they used when Boyd went on a bender . Mei shook her head and bit nails . " Not this time , " she said . " He wouldn 't leave Sandra , " said Alan . He was standing in the kitchen door , hair still mussed from sleep . Ronnie agreed , and Mei kept fretting . And Sandra , well , Sandra just cried . The truth was , Ronnie thought Boyd really might have gone and done something crazy . He 'd been worse than usual lately . The drugs and the drinking were always bad , but even at his worst Boyd had never seemed like he didn 't care . He always wanted to do right by Mei and Sandra , even if he was too much of a fuck - up to actually do it . That was why they all stuck by him even though he was never going to get it together , and why Ronnie chipped in on Mei 's rent every month , even though she could barely afford it . Now things had changed . Sandra used to be all Boyd would talk about , but now he scarcely mentioned the baby at all . He 'd gotten pale and thin , and some bizarre rash appeared from time to time on his face . Last week Ronnie broke down and begged him to go to the hospital . He just stared at her like he didn 't know who she was , eyes bulging from the fluid building up under his skin . He seemed dazed all the time , zombie - like . And now he 'd disappeared . Ronnie didn 't say so , but she was as sure as Mei that whatever happened this time wasn 't his normal drug binge . Sandra squirmed in her arms and Ronnie 's heart broke a little bit . Where are you Boyd , she thought ? We all need you here . Even I need you . But there was no answer except the sound of the ocean surf a couple blocks away . When Ronnie went into work at the Fish House the next day , Boyd was all she could think about . The shift was a person short without him , and Ronnie was back and forth between the kitchen and the front , filling in between hostess duties with dishwashing . The traffic was the same as usual : tourists , tourists , and tourists . She tried to keep busy , and sang under her breath to pass the time . She realized she couldn 't quite place the tune she was singing , but for some reason it made her think of Boyd more . On her break she sat outside and watched the milling masses going up one end of Fisherman 's Wharf and down the other , in and out of the souvenir shops and the restaurants or down to the docks to watch the boats coming in or the sea lions playing . The wharf was a two - story boardwalk of stores and restaurants on the waterfront . Tourists came to see Alcatraz and a view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the big ships coming in and out , and the locals sold t - shirts and seafood and a show and anything else . It was all the same as it had ever been . One man disappeared from everyone 's lives , but the world kept turning . Lauro , the busboy , took his break with her . He seemed interested in something on the floating docks below . " You ever wonder about the sea lions ? " he said . Ronnie blinked . " What about them ? " Ronnie shrugged . As far as she could tell they were still there , a few dozen of the big , smelly beasts lying around , occasionally swimming or fighting or diving for food but mostly just sunning themselves and barking while the tourists took pictures . There used to be hundreds of them , but in the past few years most had left . She 'd only worked here after the great migration and never thought much of it . " Sometimes I think they all ran away , " Lauro said . " That 's what I keep wondering . " Ronnie was puzzled . Later that night , when the kitchen was closed and the chairs put up and the last tour boat had come and gone , she lingered over the sea lions again , watching two pups wrestle , thinking about what running away meant . The wind changed direction and blew straight in her face . She always hated that fishy salt smell of everything in and around the ocean , but there was no getting away from it here . Down below , one of the pups got the upper hand and pushed the other into the water with yelp and a splash . Ronnie giggled . She waited for the pup to come back to the surface , but it didn 't . She counted to herself . After a thirty - count the animal still hadn 't reappeared . The one still on the dock started to bark . Then Ronnie saw something moving in the water . It wasn 't shaped like a sea lion , or a dolphin , or anything else that usually swam to the surface here . It was big and ungainly . It almost looked like … When she blinked and it was gone . I must be seeing things , she thought . For a moment she thought she 'd seen something like a man in a wetsuit , but no one would be swimming in the freezing , pitch black water at this time of night . Still , the memory of the half - glimpsed figure troubled her all the way home . The bus was late , which meant she was late getting home . She 'd had plans with Alan to meet at her place but she expected he 'd already given up and gone home . To her surprise , she caught him asleep on the couch , where he must have dozed off waiting for her . She 'd given him the extra key a week ago , with a warning not to interpret this as any sign that they were getting more serious . He 'd still looked secretly pleased with himself on accept it , though . It looked like he 'd fallen asleep in the middle of working on something from one of his art classes . She leafed through pages on the table : mostly anatomy drawings of a sitting model . On the last one he 'd doodled a scaly tail instead of legs , making her a mermaid . It was cute . Outside , the fog was coming in off the beach and smothering the street . The sound of the waves followed her home . She knew she was lucky to have a place of her own , and close to the beach , lucky that her parents had bought it outright and left it to her . But the truth was she didn 't like being so near the ocean . As a kid she 'd used to have nightmares about the ocean . She 'd always been terrified of any deep water that she couldn 't see to the bottom of … She kicked the couch and Alan woke up , confused and with his hair mussed . Ronnie burst out laughing . He sat up , looking sheepish and apologizing for falling asleep on her . Back in the bedroom she pushed him down onto the mattress and swung a leg over Alan 's body , straddling him . She stripped his shirt off and smiled in the dark and ran her hands down his naked chest ; even with so little light she could see the contrast between them , her dark hand looking like a silhouette or a shadow against his pale Irish skin . She leaned over and kissed him , open - mouthed , her lips gliding against his . Then she whispered , teasing : " I got you something . " " Huh ? " She went to her where her purse hung on the back of a chair . Alan sat up a little to watch her . " What are you doing ? " he said . She grinned some more . " Something special , to help you , ah , relieve stress . " She fished around in her purse and then turned back to the bed . There was a hard clink of metal as she dangled them in front of his face : handcuffs . Ronnie straddled him again , teasing him with the cuffs . " Look what I 've got , " she said , jingling them some more . He tried to reach for them but she snatched them away each time . She wagged a finger at him . " Ah , ah , " she said . " Bad boy . " She leaned in and purred next to his ear . " Hands against the posts , lover boy . " She bit him . " Now . " Feigning reluctance , Alan put his wrists to the headboard , letting Ronnie snap the restraints in place . She clicked them until he grunted . " Too tight ? " she said . He shook his head . " Good . " She purred in his hear again , flicking the lobe with the tip of her tongue , the way she knew he liked . He moaned a little . She did it more . He writhed underneath her . She enjoyed the feeling of his movements , forceful but restrained . The chain of the cuffs rattled against the bed frame . When he pushed up and then down against her , it felt like the movement of the ocean … The thought startled her and for a second she lost her focus . But when she met his eyes it reassured her , and her anxiety vanished . She kissed his jaw and the side of his neck , and then his shoulders and naked chest , again admiring the impressionistic contrast of her dark skin against his pale figure . His chest and stomach was a smooth , muscled plane all the way down , a swimmer 's body . She teased his navel with her tongue , which she knew tickled and caused him to thrash in genuine discomfort . She only did it the once , just so she could hear him instinctively pull against his restraints . It wasn 't any fun if he didn 't at least try to get out , once . She laughed and winked at him , and he chuckled back . Ronnie rubbed herself back and forth against the hardening bulge of his cock , visible now through his underwear . " What have you got for me ? " she said , pushing on it , rubbing her palm up and down . " What have you got , hmm ? " He grunted and tried to answer but it seemed he could think of nothing clever , so he opted for sheepish , blushing silence . She was delighted . She kissed the bulge and then sat up on him again . " I 've got something for you , " she said , pulling her shirt off and discarding her bra . The cold air of the bedroom tingled against her naked breasts . She saw Alan bite his lip again , and again his hands tried to go forward to touch her and feel her body only to be stopped short by the metal clatter of the cuffs ; those things really were a good investment . She was glad she 'd thought to buy them . She squeezed her breasts underneath , fondling them a little , teasing him . Alan had always been a breast guy . She jiggled them , then leaned over so that they were just out of reach of his upraised head . He even stuck his tongue all the way out trying to lick one , and she pushed him back down with the palm of her hand , laughing . He grumbled , so she finally took pity and leaned over some more , letting him kiss and then suck one breast . " Mmmm , " she said as his lips caressed the sensitive flesh . He needed a shave and the sharp ends of his stubble rubbed against her so that she winced , savoring the sharp , satisfying pain . She rubbed her nipple back and forth across his open mouth before pulling away again , then teasing him some more , back and forth , up and down , always just out of reach . All the while she was rubbing back and forth against his hard cock , sliding up and down the length of his shaft as it strained through the fabric , fit to burst . " What have you got for me ? " she said again . " You see what I 've got for you , but what have you got for me ? " She reached between her own legs to squeeze him some more . He was in quite a state . She stripped her panties off , throwing them away , setting her naked , wet cunt against the bulge now , grinding him ; delightful vibrations went up through her sex and traveled the length of her spine . She pushed herself down on him harder and harder , making the lips of her cunt squeeze tight around themselves and sending a jolt jumping up into her abdomen . " Ohhh , fuck ! " she said , rolling her eyes . She licked a finger and began rubbing herself around and around while she moved . She felt hot and dirty all over . Alan was so beside himself now she thought he might rip the headboard off . She pushed him back down and he moaned with frustration . Finally she pulled his underwear off , his erection springing free . She rubbed it back and forth across her palm before easing herself back into it , feeling it penetrate her wet lips and slide in . She watched Alan throw his head back and indulge in a long , satisfied groan as the muscles of her cunt slid around him , taking him in , squeezing him . Ronnie 's clit pulsed as he filled her up . She lay out across his naked body , her arms twined round his neck , lips pressed to his as she rocked back and forth on his cock , sliding herself along the length of him . She tried to increase her control by pushing him down with her knees but it was no use ; even without his hands he was bucking and pushing up against her with his hips . They seemed to fight for control for a few moments before Ronnie relented and finally , with a bit of difficulty because he would not stop thrashing , took the cuffs off . He sat up straight and grabbed her in both arms with so much force that the breath left her body . Without waiting for her to recover he pushed her down on him while at the same time he pushed up , so hard and so far that she yelped . She hung onto him for support ; he was shaking all over , trembling with the energy of all the enthusiasm she 'd forced him to suppress . Now that he was out , he was taking it all out on her . Ronnie hung on for dear life , letting her neck crane back and crying out as she thrust up into her again and again , pulling her up and down on him , forcing her on and off . Her pussy throbbed and the feeling went all the way through her . Alan was out of control . She enjoyed the ride . This went on and on until she felt it finally crest and swell up inside of her , hitting her hard and then washing away , leaving her stunned for a moment . She flopped down on the mattress , barely able to sit up , but Alan still wouldn 't leave it be , climbing on top of her and going all the way back in . Ronnie didn 't have time to catch her breath , so she made little hiccupping noises as he went and went and went . When he came inside her it felt like a burst and she gushed wet on him all over again . He lay over her then , spent and panting , his entire body damp with sweat . She ran her fingers through his hair and it came out drenched . He kissed her so hard it hurt . She let out an " Mmph " of satisfaction . After they 'd cuddled and talked a bit he drifted off to sleep . She stayed up a little longer , playing with the cuffs and watching him . He was cute when he was all tuckered out . They 'd only been going out for a month or two . Really , " going out " wasn 't quite the right word . Alan had made it clear he wanted to be more than just friends with benefits , but for reasons she didn 't quite understand herself , Ronnie held off . The last second before she fell asleep , Ronnie thought she saw someone else at the window , a strange gray figure looking in . It was gone so fast she assumed it must not have been a real , a last - second hallucination brought on by the passage into sleep . There had been something unidentifiably awful about the shape of it , something that made her think of those fish with the giant teeth that swam through trenches on the bottom of the ocean … But it was gone now . Maybe it had never been there at all . Finally , eventually , the roaring ocean let her sleep , though her dreams were haunted by strange music , and thoughts of the ocean that she couldn 't quite recall when she woke , except that they made her feel anxious and strange . Water was all over the floor . Seawater , judging from the color and the smell , tracked all over the entryway . Ronnie was down on her hands and knees , mopping it up with paper towels . But the thing that really startled her was not the mess itself , but the sudden realization that she was cleaning it in an automatic fashion without thinking about it or really acknowledging that it was there . It was almost as if she 'd been sleepwalking , and now was jolted into wakefulness . She blinked at brackish water gurgling and her salt - stained fingers . What the hell , she thought ? A distinct feeling of deja vu came over her . " Huh ? " he stuck his head out of the kitchen . She gestured to the tracked - in water . He didn 't seem to see it . She pointed again , with a broader gesture , but his face remained blank . Finally , he actually saw it . " Huh . That 's weird , " he said . " I don 't remember doing that . Did you do that ? " Ronnie shook her head . She didn 't even remember waking up . Alan shrugged and got down to help her clean up . She got the distinct impression that , as soon as they were done , he didn 't remember doing it . And she would have been more troubled except that , very soon , neither did she … Alan 's shift at work didn 't start until two hours after hers , but they rode in on the same bus . They made themselves a little late by stopping at Mei 's to check on her . She seemed a bit less agitated today , until she started talking about how she 'd found Boyd 's gun and was sleeping with it under her pillow . It took Alan half an hour to talk her into at least giving him the bullets out of it . There were probably more in the apartment , but it was all they could do except babysit her all day to make sure that she didn 't up and shooting herself - or worse . There was only one seat left on the bus , so Alan stood and let Ronnie sit . Across from them was a man frantically and fervently talking to himself . He didn 't look like the average homeless ranter though : He was well - dressed and he looked clean . He was even shaved . But he raved and slurred his words and injected short laughs into sentences : " We all come up from the ocean , everything , lizards , pigs , birds , even people . If you go back far enough , it 's all about those first slimy things that crawled onto the beaches . " You ever wonder about that , what made them do it ? Here you are , you 're a fish , and you 're swimming around , and you 've got the whole world of oceans to swim in , so why go up on the land ? Why do that ? " Maybe it 's because you 're running away . Maybe it 's because you know all about that other stuff down there in the ocean and you want to come up where it can 't get at you . " What do you think is out there so bad that it scared them clear up onto the land ? That 's what it 's all about , whatever it is . That 's the real ocean . " He was still talking when they got off . Ronnie kissed Alan and went into work . Renee and Carlton both hadn 't shown up that day , so they were even more shorthanded than usual . A new kid was replacing Boyd , but he didn 't seem altogether there . He was moody and quiet , and he kept dropping things . When he shook hands with Ronnie his palm felt strangely smooth and slick . In fact , everything about him had an oddly polished look , and his eyes were very wide , and he didn 't blink very much . Ronnie kept telling herself that he didn 't really look that much like Boyd the last time she 'd seen him , but the thought kept nagging her . The lunch shift went by in a stream of plastic baskets , folded napkins , washcloths streaking dirtied tables , and the mildly befuddled but generally genial faces of tourists who looked at you as if you were some queer species of local animal that they wanted to observe in its native environment . Some of them were rude , but Ronnie didn 't get mad . It 's not their fault , she told herself . It 's just the way things are . You can 't expect every person to do things exactly right all the time . You have to cut them some slack . You have to - The voice was soft but it was right by her ear , so she jumped . Of course , it was just Olivier . He smiled by way of apology . Alan was in the kitchen by now , and she gave him a little wave and blew him a kiss on the way in , then made sure he didn 't see her going back toward the office . Not that she necessarily had to . She 'd warned him there were other guys , and he 'd sworn he was okay with it . Still , probably better he not know that boss was one of them . Might be bad for his ego . Olivier was humming a song under his breath . Ronnie blinked . She 'd heard that song before . In fact , she 'd been singing it herself just yesterday , but couldn 't remember where she heard it first . She asked Olivier about it and he said he couldn 't remember where he 'd heard it . " Must be going around , " he said . She went down to her knees on the office floor , clearing his belt out of the way , unzipping his pants , and opening the flap on his underwear , taking his cock out and trying not to give it an appraising glare before she started to lick the tip . She kept her eye on the clock as she started ; they had at most ten minutes before someone came looking for one or the both of them . It would be enough . Ronnie swirled her tongue around Olivier 's prick a few times before gulping him in , running down the length of him and getting him wet with spit before popping back out and licking up and down the underside of him again . He was at half - mast when she started , but soon enough his cock was full and raring to go . She was about to break off , as she 'd only wanted to get him going , but he grabbed the back of her head and pushed it down again . Almost involuntarily she opened her mouth and swallowed again , and as he held her in place she began to really suck , pursuing her lips around his invading shaft and slurping . He moaned with satisfaction and leaned further back in his chair so that he could get more leverage as he started fucking her mouth . Ronnie gagged but didn 't lose it , instead relaxing her throat muscles , indeed , trying to relax her entire body . She let him slide in and out of her mouth , his cock growing wetter and wetter and dribbling across her tongue . Ronnie felt the thick intrusion move all the way as far in as it would , and then with a rumbling " Ah ! " he pulled all the way out at once . Ronnie coughed and sucked in air . Her face was red and tears squeezed out the corners of her eyes from the exertion . One she caught her breath she stood up , smiled at Olivier , then turned and put her hands on the wall , puOlivier grabbed the back of her head and pulled her hair , although not very hard . " Who 's the boss ? " he said . " Oh , fuck baby , you 're the boss ! " He started to fuck harder . " You 're the boss , you 're the boss , you 're the boss , ohhhhh , fuck yeah baby , you 're the boss ! " She kept her voice as low as possible , since the walls in this place were paper - thin , so everything came out as a whisper . Olivier 's cock expanded to stretch out her lips a bit and she knew that he was dribbling away inside of her . She pushed on the wall as hard as she could , pushing back against him , inciting him to push forward , the weight of his body compressing her ass , making her labia ache with the force of what he was doing , and then she felt the gratifying gush of him inside of her . Olivier looked a little sheepish . He always did when they 'd finished . Wordlessly , they both cleaned up and dressed as fast as they could . She kissed him as quick as she could on the lips , and then Ronnie took her post back at the register with nobody the wiser . Hopefully . As soon as she was able , she took off her apron and excused herself for a break , ducking outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air . You couldn 't ever really escape that fishy smell , but it wasn 't as bad outside . It was dark out already . Ronnie saw that there were even fewer sea lions around now than the day before . Lauro was finishing his own break . " Did you hear about the sea monster ? " he said with a grin . Ronnie started . " The what ? " He laughed . " That 's what they 're calling it . One of the ferries hit something on the way over . Tore up the bottom pretty good . No one knows what it was , so they 're calling it the sea monster . " He shrugged as he headed inside . " Something in the water , " was all he said . Ronnie eavesdropped on a crowd below ; they were all pretty upset . Apparently not only had the " sea monster " damaged the boat , but one woman was missing . No one had seen or heard her fall in , and indeed , her husband had somehow missed her absence until after they got to shore . She was just gone . She thought about Olivier . They 'd been taking " lunch " for about eight months now . It was a convenient thing , mostly : They were both attracted to each other but totally uninterested in anything like a relationship . After all , he was the boss . That made it all easy . He was the opposite of Alan that way : If she gave Alan a fraction of a chance he 'd probably propose just to keep her around . Ronnie murmured her agreement . Then she stood up straight , startled . Who said that ? She looked around , thinking it might be Lauro , but no one was there . This time she saw : Someone was down on the floating docks , where the sea lions usually lounged , three black shapes . Their outlines were strangely stooped and round - headed , with stiff arms straight at their sides . How had they even gotten out there ? They had to have swum , but the water was freezing . And what the hell were they saying ? Nobody else seemed to realize they were there . " It all started with the sea , " said the voice again . " Everything on the land came up out of the sea first . The ocean is the mother that we ran away from . " The crazy guy from the bus ? It couldn 't be . I 'm dreaming , she thought . Or I 'm seeing things . When she looked again , sure enough , the figures were gone , though the water was disturbed and the dock was rocking back and forth , as if perhaps something had just jumped in . I imagined it , she told herself as she started the walk to the bus stop . I must have imagined it . She was still telling herself that as she lay awake that night next to Alan and tried not think about what the voice had said . Once , she got up to look out the window for some unknowable reason and was surprised to find the street full of people , though it was long after midnight . Her neighbors were leaving their homes and , as one it seemed , walking toward the beach . And what was that noise ? She listened more closely . Were they singing ? It was that same song she 'd heard so many times the last few days . A few more minutes of listening convinced her that the sound was not coming from the people , thought . It seemed to be coming from the beach , and it must be incredibly loud for her to be able to hear it so clearly . It was like the song of a whale but with a real , recognizable tune . Ronnie shut the window . She locked it . The song got in through the walls anyway . It lulled her to sleep . Three days passed . More people stopped showing up for work . They were down to a skeleton staff . Ronnie and Alan both gave up their days off because otherwise the restaurant wouldn 't have had enough workers to stay open . Even Olivier disappeared . Ronnie heard that SFPD was swamped with missing person 's reports , more in a week than they usually received all year . They were having trouble keeping up because many of their own staff were missing too . Business was down at the restaurant , but the wharf itself still drew big crowds . The people were not interested in eating or shopping , but rather watching the water , as if looking for something , or waiting for something . Mei got worse . She insisted that Boyd visited her at nights , but only when she pretended to be asleep . She left her window open , claiming that he came in to visit her before departing in the mornings . It made no sense to Ronnie or Alan . On Tuesday , one of the ferries went out and didn 't come back . Somewhere on the return trip it simply vanished , and not a person on shore could say what happened to it . On Wednesday , the son of a tourist couple jumped the railing on the docks . He never resurfaced , but no one , not even his parents , seemed surprised . They treated it like the most natural and expected thing . And Ronnie was starting to feel under the weather herself . By Friday no one bothered to go into work at all ; no one in the entire city . The singing was now happening not just at night but all day too , and everyone could hear it . People either sat , stupefied , in their homes listening , or else they followed it out to the beach , more and more of them never returning . She was standing in the living room doing nothing in particular when movement on the front steps caught her attention . They 'd left the door open and someone was out there , peering in . Ronnie started , and then her heart jumped up when she recognized who it was , and she ran to the door ( feet splashing through puddled seawater all over the floor … ) and almost went to hug him , but stopped in her tracks when he shied away , trying to cover his face . Boyd turned and ran , hopping the side fence and vanishing . Ronnie sank to her knees . Then , she emerged from the dreamlike state she 'd been in for the past few days , fully realizing for the first time the strange things she 'd seen and heard . Cold horror built its nest inside of her . I have to get out of the city , she realized . Whatever was happening , it was affecting everyone here . She had to find Alan , get Mei and Sandra , and then get away . She wasn 't sure where they should go . Just away . She heard the shower running and ran to the bathroom , almost breaking her neck on the wet floor . The shower door was open and the nozzle poured onto Alan 's back as he huddled , under it . Ronnie drenched herself picking him , then cried out when she turned him over . He still looked human , but the signs were unmistakable : His skin had taken on a smooth , rubbery texture , and his face was oddly long , with wide black eyes . His hands , she saw , were becoming webbed , and it was difficult for him to stand because his feet had changed shape , becoming wider at the ends , like flippers . He was not yet in the same state as Boyd , but he was well on the way . Is it too late , she wondered ? How long has this been happening to him ? The last few days were a blur in her mind . She couldn 't place when the process started or how fast it was taking effect . She just knew that the song had done this to him . She tried to pick him up but his rubbery flesh was slipper . Finally she gave up and just took his face in both hands , turning it to hers . " Baby , " she said , " I need you to listen . " He seemed dazed but he at least looked at her . " You have to stay right here , okay ? I 'm going to bring help . Whatever you do , don 't leave the house . " There was no way of knowing if he understood , but he seemed to nod . It would have to do . She didn 't bother locking the door as she left . The streets were full of people , but they paid her no mind , glassy - eyed zombies looking toward the beach . Ronnie kept her head down and walked east , away from the ocean , toward 19th Avenue . She hoped she wasn 't too late . Mei 's door was hung half open when Ronnie got there , and the outer corridor was wet with puddled water . Ronnie ran but skidded to a halt as Boyd came out , already holding little Sandra in his scaly arms . Sandra wasn 't crying but instead looked passively up at her father , who himself seemed on the verge of tears , though there was little recognizable human expression left in his face . Out in the open now , Ronnie saw fully what she had only glimpsed back at her house , but it was difficult to describe what Boyd really looked like : not entirely like a shark , an eel , a stingray , a porpoise , or a seal , but some awful amalgamation of all . And yet , somehow , he still looked like the man she knew . All the others this far along must have taken to the water already , but she knew why Boyd hadn 't . Even now , he couldn 't forget his little girl . Ronnie was between Boyd and his escape . He seemed unsure what to do . He tried to talk but it all came out a garbled mess . His mouth was no longer the proper shape for speech . Ronnie took a step forward and held up a hand . " It 's okay , " she said . Boyd looked ready to run - either away from her or at her . Ronnie advanced one slow step at a time . " Everything 's going to be all right , " she said . " Let me help . " Boyd made a wailing sound . " I know , " Ronnie said . " What happened isn 't your fault . But you don 't want to bring Sandra into this . You don 't want to hurt Mei . " Where was Mei ? Ronnie pushed the thought aside . There was no time . " Look at your girl , Boyd , " she said . The baby giggled and squirmed happily in Boyd 's arms . " You don 't want her in this , do you ? " Ronnie held her arms out , " I 'll keep her safe . " Boyd wavered . " I 'll take her and Mei and we 'll go far away from all this . " Ronnie took another step forward . They were almost touching now . " I promise . " Hands shaking , Boyd put the baby in Ronnie 's arms . The little girl had somehow managed to fall asleep . Ronnie backed away . Boyd slouched on the steps , looking at the empty place in his hands where his child had just been … And then he cried out . He darted forward , making a grab for the baby again . " Boyd , no ! " Ronnie said , but he rushed at her , arms outstretched , and Ronnie flinched , hugging Sandra and praying she wouldn 't be hurt … A sound like a firecracker right next to her ear stunned Ronnie . Then there was another , and another , and another . Sandra woke with a shriek and Ronnie dropped to her knees , huddling over the baby . When the noise finally stopped she looked up and saw Boyd , face down on the ground . Blood was everywhere . Behind him , still half - concealed by the open door , was Mei . Boyd 's gun smoked in her hand . Mei was placid as she stepped over Boyd 's body and took Sandra from Ronnie . She shushed the baby and rocked her back and forth until the crying stopped . Ronnie stared at Boyd 's corpse , paralyzed . Boyd was dead . Boyd was dead . Boyd - As the ringing in her ears dimmed Ronnie heard the siren song again and reminded herself that there wasn 't any time to waste . Trying not to really think about what had just happened she stood up and took Mei by the shoulders . " Mei , can you hear me ? Are , you know , all here ? " And then she stopped . She looked at her hand on Mei 's shoulder . She went cold . She felt herself screaming inside but pushed it down . No time . No time . " Forget that , " she said , " Just get in the car and go . Drive until … " She paused , " Just get as far inland as you can . And don 't stop for anything . " " Aren 't you coming ? " said Mei . " It 's too late , " Ronnie said , and held up her hand so that Mei could see the webbed fingers . Mei gave her a look of pity , but nodded . She buckled Sandra into her car seat , packed all the food in the house that wouldn 't spoil into the trunk and , without sparing a glance behind , she drove off . Ronnie watched her go . The streets to the west were jammed with empty cars , but to the east the whole city looked empty . Ronnie wondered if they would make it . Was it safe to cross any of the bridges ? And had they , like her , already begun to change without realizing it ? Ronnie shuddered . It was no use worrying now . It was out of her hands . When she finally got back she already knew just by looking at the house that Alan was gone . Her heart sank , but she knew he must have held out as long as he could , she told herself . Or did he ? She thought about how long Boyd had stayed behind for Sandra . Would Alan have wanted to stay like that for her ? She guessed she 'd never know now . She sat in the living room , humming along with the ocean song . No reason not to listen to it now . She didn 't want to go the beach , but she had no plan beyond just staying here for as long as she could resist it . Then she heard a floorboard creak . The stink of seawater rose up . Ronnie turned and saw three of them , crouched in her open doorway and looking at her , their mouths full of pointed teeth and open in a silent whisper , ocean water still dripping from their rubbery hides . All at once they advanced on her . " No , " she said . " Please . I don 't want to go . " They didn 't listen . She tried to run but they were faster , taking her by both arms and ignoring her struggles . " I don 't want to go , I don 't want to go ! " she said . " Just let me stay here , please . It doesn 't matter now . It doesn 't - " The sound of waves woke her up . Ronnie was standing in the tide , her bare feet covered by wet sand . The sun was going down , and hundreds and hundreds of shells dotted the sand . Somewhere out there in the water , a great shape basked in the waves , singing . She was finally close enough to see it , but , what was it ? It seemed too big to be alive , like a living island , or a reef that had swum to the surface . A dozen people stood with Ronnie , all in thrall to the song . The one next to her was almost completely finished changing , but somehow she still recognized him as the man from the bus , even if his voice was barely intelligible because his mouth was longer the proper shape . " We all came from the ocean , " he said again . " Everyone , everything , all descended from those first slimy things that crawled up out of the waves . " Do you wonder why they left ? I used to think they were running away from something , but now I think maybe they were sent . What if some great creature of the sea , some god or monster , sent them onto the land to do a job ? " And what if , now that job is over , and she 's calling us home ? What if one day your DNA just wakes up and says , oh , right , it 's time to go . And we all just go . " He smiled , or approximated one . Ronnie said nothing , but his words struck a chord . " It 's been nice up here , " the man said . " But I guess we couldn 't stay away from home forever . " And with that he leapt into the water . Ronnie saw his legs and feet fuse into a tail , and then he was gone . He swam toward the living island and , one by one , so did all the others . Ronnie was the only one left . She sighed , but even as she did she waded out into the water , fighting the waves . For a moment they felt cold against her rubbery flesh . Alan was out there somewhere . I 'm going to find Alan , she told herself . I 'm going home to find him , and this time I won 't let him go . Somehow , everything will be all right . Ronnie swam out to the part of the great Sea Mother that sat above the surface . The gigantic beast had been working hard , swimming close to the surface and calling out to her children for days and days . Ronnie climbed up onto the side of the thing , still trying to get a look at it . What was it ? She saw one of its huge yellow eyes looking at her , and then the Sea Mother 's limbs thrashed in the water , great , waving , graceful tentacles , the twining limbs that gave motion to the waves . It prepared to dive , and Ronnie braced , waiting to submerge . Everyone clung to the monster 's back . In her mind she saw images of a great sunken city , where they all would soon live . Was it some ancient Cyclopean ruin beneath the waves , or was she seeing the future of this city , which they would reclaim when the sea rose up to take it ? There was no time to wonder now . With a roaring of waves the Sea Mother dived . For a moment the surface of the ocean churned and roiled , as if it itself were some great , angry beast whose eons - long rest had been disturbed . I can almost see more of this story in my mind . The places it would take us , the " people " we would meet . . . This story seems as if its an excerpt from a novel . It 's that good , sir . You are definitely worthy of being in the King / Koontz league . |
Introduction : There 's something in the water . . . " I cannot think of the deep sea without shuddering at the nameless things that may be crawling and floundering on its slimy bed . I dream of a day when they may rise to drag down mankind - when the land shall sink , and the dark ocean floor ascend amidst universal pandemonium . " Ronnie woke to Mei crying on the phone , saying Boyd wasn 't there and hadn 't shown up to work and hadn 't answered any of her calls for two days . Ronnie heard the baby crying on the other end of the line , and even though it was three in the morning Ronnie and Alan both woke up and went over to Mei and Boyd 's apartment a few blocks down to check on things . Mei spent the whole night pacing and drinking coffee and rocking little Sandra in her arms . " She 's crying because she knows , " Mei said . " She knows her daddy is gone . " Ronnie took the baby and bounced her , trying to make her laugh . " She 's just being fussy , " Ronnie said . " I 'm sure Boyd is fine . He 's probably just , you know . . . out . " That was the word they used when Boyd went on a bender . Mei shook her head and bit nails . " Not this time , " she said . " He wouldn 't leave Sandra , " said Alan . He was standing in the kitchen door , hair still mussed from sleep . Ronnie agreed , and Mei kept fretting . And Sandra , well , Sandra just cried . The truth was , Ronnie thought Boyd really might have gone and done something crazy . He 'd been worse than usual lately . The drugs and the drinking were always bad , but even at his worst Boyd had never seemed like he didn 't care . He always wanted to do right by Mei and Sandra , even if he was too much of a fuck - up to actually do it . That was why they all stuck by him even though he was never going to get it together , and why Ronnie chipped in on Mei 's rent every month , even though she could barely afford it . Now things had changed . Sandra used to be all Boyd would talk about , but now he scarcely mentioned the baby at all . He 'd gotten pale and thin , and some bizarre rash appeared from time to time on his face . Last week Ronnie broke down and begged him to go to the hospital . He just stared at her like he didn 't know who she was , eyes bulging from the fluid building up under his skin . He seemed dazed all the time , zombie - like . And now he 'd disappeared . Ronnie didn 't say so , but she was as sure as Mei that whatever happened this time wasn 't his normal drug binge . Sandra squirmed in her arms and Ronnie 's heart broke a little bit . Where are you Boyd , she thought ? We all need you here . Even I need you . But there was no answer except the sound of the ocean surf a couple blocks away . When Ronnie went into work at the Fish House the next day , Boyd was all she could think about . The shift was a person short without him , and Ronnie was back and forth between the kitchen and the front , filling in between hostess duties with dishwashing . The traffic was the same as usual : tourists , tourists , and tourists . She tried to keep busy , and sang under her breath to pass the time . She realized she couldn 't quite place the tune she was singing , but for some reason it made her think of Boyd more . On her break she sat outside and watched the milling masses going up one end of Fisherman 's Wharf and down the other , in and out of the souvenir shops and the restaurants or down to the docks to watch the boats coming in or the sea lions playing . The wharf was a two - story boardwalk of stores and restaurants on the waterfront . Tourists came to see Alcatraz and a view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the big ships coming in and out , and the locals sold t - shirts and seafood and a show and anything else . It was all the same as it had ever been . One man disappeared from everyone 's lives , but the world kept turning . Lauro , the busboy , took his break with her . He seemed interested in something on the floating docks below . " You ever wonder about the sea lions ? " he said . Ronnie blinked . " What about them ? " Ronnie shrugged . As far as she could tell they were still there , a few dozen of the big , smelly beasts lying around , occasionally swimming or fighting or diving for food but mostly just sunning themselves and barking while the tourists took pictures . There used to be hundreds of them , but in the past few years most had left . She 'd only worked here after the great migration and never thought much of it . " Sometimes I think they all ran away , " Lauro said . " That 's what I keep wondering . " Ronnie was puzzled . Later that night , when the kitchen was closed and the chairs put up and the last tour boat had come and gone , she lingered over the sea lions again , watching two pups wrestle , thinking about what running away meant . The wind changed direction and blew straight in her face . She always hated that fishy salt smell of everything in and around the ocean , but there was no getting away from it here . Down below , one of the pups got the upper hand and pushed the other into the water with yelp and a splash . Ronnie giggled . She waited for the pup to come back to the surface , but it didn 't . She counted to herself . After a thirty - count the animal still hadn 't reappeared . The one still on the dock started to bark . Then Ronnie saw something moving in the water . It wasn 't shaped like a sea lion , or a dolphin , or anything else that usually swam to the surface here . It was big and ungainly . It almost looked like … When she blinked and it was gone . I must be seeing things , she thought . For a moment she thought she 'd seen something like a man in a wetsuit , but no one would be swimming in the freezing , pitch black water at this time of night . Still , the memory of the half - glimpsed figure troubled her all the way home . The bus was late , which meant she was late getting home . She 'd had plans with Alan to meet at her place but she expected he 'd already given up and gone home . To her surprise , she caught him asleep on the couch , where he must have dozed off waiting for her . She 'd given him the extra key a week ago , with a warning not to interpret this as any sign that they were getting more serious . He 'd still looked secretly pleased with himself on accept it , though . It looked like he 'd fallen asleep in the middle of working on something from one of his art classes . She leafed through pages on the table : mostly anatomy drawings of a sitting model . On the last one he 'd doodled a scaly tail instead of legs , making her a mermaid . It was cute . Outside , the fog was coming in off the beach and smothering the street . The sound of the waves followed her home . She knew she was lucky to have a place of her own , and close to the beach , lucky that her parents had bought it outright and left it to her . But the truth was she didn 't like being so near the ocean . As a kid she 'd used to have nightmares about the ocean . She 'd always been terrified of any deep water that she couldn 't see to the bottom of … She kicked the couch and Alan woke up , confused and with his hair mussed . Ronnie burst out laughing . He sat up , looking sheepish and apologizing for falling asleep on her . Back in the bedroom she pushed him down onto the mattress and swung a leg over Alan 's body , straddling him . She stripped his shirt off and smiled in the dark and ran her hands down his naked chest ; even with so little light she could see the contrast between them , her dark hand looking like a silhouette or a shadow against his pale Irish skin . She leaned over and kissed him , open - mouthed , her lips gliding against his . Then she whispered , teasing : " I got you something . " " Huh ? " She went to her where her purse hung on the back of a chair . Alan sat up a little to watch her . " What are you doing ? " he said . She grinned some more . " Something special , to help you , ah , relieve stress . " She fished around in her purse and then turned back to the bed . There was a hard clink of metal as she dangled them in front of his face : handcuffs . Ronnie straddled him again , teasing him with the cuffs . " Look what I 've got , " she said , jingling them some more . He tried to reach for them but she snatched them away each time . She wagged a finger at him . " Ah , ah , " she said . " Bad boy . " She leaned in and purred next to his ear . " Hands against the posts , lover boy . " She bit him . " Now . " Feigning reluctance , Alan put his wrists to the headboard , letting Ronnie snap the restraints in place . She clicked them until he grunted . " Too tight ? " she said . He shook his head . " Good . " She purred in his hear again , flicking the lobe with the tip of her tongue , the way she knew he liked . He moaned a little . She did it more . He writhed underneath her . She enjoyed the feeling of his movements , forceful but restrained . The chain of the cuffs rattled against the bed frame . When he pushed up and then down against her , it felt like the movement of the ocean … The thought startled her and for a second she lost her focus . But when she met his eyes it reassured her , and her anxiety vanished . She kissed his jaw and the side of his neck , and then his shoulders and naked chest , again admiring the impressionistic contrast of her dark skin against his pale figure . His chest and stomach was a smooth , muscled plane all the way down , a swimmer 's body . She teased his navel with her tongue , which she knew tickled and caused him to thrash in genuine discomfort . She only did it the once , just so she could hear him instinctively pull against his restraints . It wasn 't any fun if he didn 't at least try to get out , once . She laughed and winked at him , and he chuckled back . Ronnie rubbed herself back and forth against the hardening bulge of his cock , visible now through his underwear . " What have you got for me ? " she said , pushing on it , rubbing her palm up and down . " What have you got , hmm ? " He grunted and tried to answer but it seemed he could think of nothing clever , so he opted for sheepish , blushing silence . She was delighted . She kissed the bulge and then sat up on him again . " I 've got something for you , " she said , pulling her shirt off and discarding her bra . The cold air of the bedroom tingled against her naked breasts . She saw Alan bite his lip again , and again his hands tried to go forward to touch her and feel her body only to be stopped short by the metal clatter of the cuffs ; those things really were a good investment . She was glad she 'd thought to buy them . She squeezed her breasts underneath , fondling them a little , teasing him . Alan had always been a breast guy . She jiggled them , then leaned over so that they were just out of reach of his upraised head . He even stuck his tongue all the way out trying to lick one , and she pushed him back down with the palm of her hand , laughing . He grumbled , so she finally took pity and leaned over some more , letting him kiss and then suck one breast . " Mmmm , " she said as his lips caressed the sensitive flesh . He needed a shave and the sharp ends of his stubble rubbed against her so that she winced , savoring the sharp , satisfying pain . She rubbed her nipple back and forth across his open mouth before pulling away again , then teasing him some more , back and forth , up and down , always just out of reach . All the while she was rubbing back and forth against his hard cock , sliding up and down the length of his shaft as it strained through the fabric , fit to burst . " What have you got for me ? " she said again . " You see what I 've got for you , but what have you got for me ? " She reached between her own legs to squeeze him some more . He was in quite a state . She stripped her panties off , throwing them away , setting her naked , wet cunt against the bulge now , grinding him ; delightful vibrations went up through her sex and traveled the length of her spine . She pushed herself down on him harder and harder , making the lips of her cunt squeeze tight around themselves and sending a jolt jumping up into her abdomen . " Ohhh , fuck ! " she said , rolling her eyes . She licked a finger and began rubbing herself around and around while she moved . She felt hot and dirty all over . Alan was so beside himself now she thought he might rip the headboard off . She pushed him back down and he moaned with frustration . Finally she pulled his underwear off , his erection springing free . She rubbed it back and forth across her palm before easing herself back into it , feeling it penetrate her wet lips and slide in . She watched Alan throw his head back and indulge in a long , satisfied groan as the muscles of her cunt slid around him , taking him in , squeezing him . Ronnie 's clit pulsed as he filled her up . She lay out across his naked body , her arms twined round his neck , lips pressed to his as she rocked back and forth on his cock , sliding herself along the length of him . She tried to increase her control by pushing him down with her knees but it was no use ; even without his hands he was bucking and pushing up against her with his hips . They seemed to fight for control for a few moments before Ronnie relented and finally , with a bit of difficulty because he would not stop thrashing , took the cuffs off . He sat up straight and grabbed her in both arms with so much force that the breath left her body . Without waiting for her to recover he pushed her down on him while at the same time he pushed up , so hard and so far that she yelped . She hung onto him for support ; he was shaking all over , trembling with the energy of all the enthusiasm she 'd forced him to suppress . Now that he was out , he was taking it all out on her . Ronnie hung on for dear life , letting her neck crane back and crying out as she thrust up into her again and again , pulling her up and down on him , forcing her on and off . Her pussy throbbed and the feeling went all the way through her . Alan was out of control . She enjoyed the ride . This went on and on until she felt it finally crest and swell up inside of her , hitting her hard and then washing away , leaving her stunned for a moment . She flopped down on the mattress , barely able to sit up , but Alan still wouldn 't leave it be , climbing on top of her and going all the way back in . Ronnie didn 't have time to catch her breath , so she made little hiccupping noises as he went and went and went . When he came inside her it felt like a burst and she gushed wet on him all over again . He lay over her then , spent and panting , his entire body damp with sweat . She ran her fingers through his hair and it came out drenched . He kissed her so hard it hurt . She let out an " Mmph " of satisfaction . After they 'd cuddled and talked a bit he drifted off to sleep . She stayed up a little longer , playing with the cuffs and watching him . He was cute when he was all tuckered out . They 'd only been going out for a month or two . Really , " going out " wasn 't quite the right word . Alan had made it clear he wanted to be more than just friends with benefits , but for reasons she didn 't quite understand herself , Ronnie held off . The last second before she fell asleep , Ronnie thought she saw someone else at the window , a strange gray figure looking in . It was gone so fast she assumed it must not have been a real , a last - second hallucination brought on by the passage into sleep . There had been something unidentifiably awful about the shape of it , something that made her think of those fish with the giant teeth that swam through trenches on the bottom of the ocean … But it was gone now . Maybe it had never been there at all . Finally , eventually , the roaring ocean let her sleep , though her dreams were haunted by strange music , and thoughts of the ocean that she couldn 't quite recall when she woke , except that they made her feel anxious and strange . Water was all over the floor . Seawater , judging from the color and the smell , tracked all over the entryway . Ronnie was down on her hands and knees , mopping it up with paper towels . But the thing that really startled her was not the mess itself , but the sudden realization that she was cleaning it in an automatic fashion without thinking about it or really acknowledging that it was there . It was almost as if she 'd been sleepwalking , and now was jolted into wakefulness . She blinked at brackish water gurgling and her salt - stained fingers . What the hell , she thought ? A distinct feeling of deja vu came over her . " Huh ? " he stuck his head out of the kitchen . She gestured to the tracked - in water . He didn 't seem to see it . She pointed again , with a broader gesture , but his face remained blank . Finally , he actually saw it . " Huh . That 's weird , " he said . " I don 't remember doing that . Did you do that ? " Ronnie shook her head . She didn 't even remember waking up . Alan shrugged and got down to help her clean up . She got the distinct impression that , as soon as they were done , he didn 't remember doing it . And she would have been more troubled except that , very soon , neither did she … Alan 's shift at work didn 't start until two hours after hers , but they rode in on the same bus . They made themselves a little late by stopping at Mei 's to check on her . She seemed a bit less agitated today , until she started talking about how she 'd found Boyd 's gun and was sleeping with it under her pillow . It took Alan half an hour to talk her into at least giving him the bullets out of it . There were probably more in the apartment , but it was all they could do except babysit her all day to make sure that she didn 't up and shooting herself - or worse . There was only one seat left on the bus , so Alan stood and let Ronnie sit . Across from them was a man frantically and fervently talking to himself . He didn 't look like the average homeless ranter though : He was well - dressed and he looked clean . He was even shaved . But he raved and slurred his words and injected short laughs into sentences : " We all come up from the ocean , everything , lizards , pigs , birds , even people . If you go back far enough , it 's all about those first slimy things that crawled onto the beaches . " You ever wonder about that , what made them do it ? Here you are , you 're a fish , and you 're swimming around , and you 've got the whole world of oceans to swim in , so why go up on the land ? Why do that ? " Maybe it 's because you 're running away . Maybe it 's because you know all about that other stuff down there in the ocean and you want to come up where it can 't get at you . " What do you think is out there so bad that it scared them clear up onto the land ? That 's what it 's all about , whatever it is . That 's the real ocean . " He was still talking when they got off . Ronnie kissed Alan and went into work . Renee and Carlton both hadn 't shown up that day , so they were even more shorthanded than usual . A new kid was replacing Boyd , but he didn 't seem altogether there . He was moody and quiet , and he kept dropping things . When he shook hands with Ronnie his palm felt strangely smooth and slick . In fact , everything about him had an oddly polished look , and his eyes were very wide , and he didn 't blink very much . Ronnie kept telling herself that he didn 't really look that much like Boyd the last time she 'd seen him , but the thought kept nagging her . The lunch shift went by in a stream of plastic baskets , folded napkins , washcloths streaking dirtied tables , and the mildly befuddled but generally genial faces of tourists who looked at you as if you were some queer species of local animal that they wanted to observe in its native environment . Some of them were rude , but Ronnie didn 't get mad . It 's not their fault , she told herself . It 's just the way things are . You can 't expect every person to do things exactly right all the time . You have to cut them some slack . You have to - The voice was soft but it was right by her ear , so she jumped . Of course , it was just Olivier . He smiled by way of apology . Alan was in the kitchen by now , and she gave him a little wave and blew him a kiss on the way in , then made sure he didn 't see her going back toward the office . Not that she necessarily had to . She 'd warned him there were other guys , and he 'd sworn he was okay with it . Still , probably better he not know that boss was one of them . Might be bad for his ego . Olivier was humming a song under his breath . Ronnie blinked . She 'd heard that song before . In fact , she 'd been singing it herself just yesterday , but couldn 't remember where she heard it first . She asked Olivier about it and he said he couldn 't remember where he 'd heard it . " Must be going around , " he said . She went down to her knees on the office floor , clearing his belt out of the way , unzipping his pants , and opening the flap on his underwear , taking his cock out and trying not to give it an appraising glare before she started to lick the tip . She kept her eye on the clock as she started ; they had at most ten minutes before someone came looking for one or the both of them . It would be enough . Ronnie swirled her tongue around Olivier 's prick a few times before gulping him in , running down the length of him and getting him wet with spit before popping back out and licking up and down the underside of him again . He was at half - mast when she started , but soon enough his cock was full and raring to go . She was about to break off , as she 'd only wanted to get him going , but he grabbed the back of her head and pushed it down again . Almost involuntarily she opened her mouth and swallowed again , and as he held her in place she began to really suck , pursuing her lips around his invading shaft and slurping . He moaned with satisfaction and leaned further back in his chair so that he could get more leverage as he started fucking her mouth . Ronnie gagged but didn 't lose it , instead relaxing her throat muscles , indeed , trying to relax her entire body . She let him slide in and out of her mouth , his cock growing wetter and wetter and dribbling across her tongue . Ronnie felt the thick intrusion move all the way as far in as it would , and then with a rumbling " Ah ! " he pulled all the way out at once . Ronnie coughed and sucked in air . Her face was red and tears squeezed out the corners of her eyes from the exertion . One she caught her breath she stood up , smiled at Olivier , then turned and put her hands on the wall , puOlivier grabbed the back of her head and pulled her hair , although not very hard . " Who 's the boss ? " he said . " Oh , fuck baby , you 're the boss ! " He started to fuck harder . " You 're the boss , you 're the boss , you 're the boss , ohhhhh , fuck yeah baby , you 're the boss ! " She kept her voice as low as possible , since the walls in this place were paper - thin , so everything came out as a whisper . Olivier 's cock expanded to stretch out her lips a bit and she knew that he was dribbling away inside of her . She pushed on the wall as hard as she could , pushing back against him , inciting him to push forward , the weight of his body compressing her ass , making her labia ache with the force of what he was doing , and then she felt the gratifying gush of him inside of her . Olivier looked a little sheepish . He always did when they 'd finished . Wordlessly , they both cleaned up and dressed as fast as they could . She kissed him as quick as she could on the lips , and then Ronnie took her post back at the register with nobody the wiser . Hopefully . As soon as she was able , she took off her apron and excused herself for a break , ducking outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air . You couldn 't ever really escape that fishy smell , but it wasn 't as bad outside . It was dark out already . Ronnie saw that there were even fewer sea lions around now than the day before . Lauro was finishing his own break . " Did you hear about the sea monster ? " he said with a grin . Ronnie started . " The what ? " He laughed . " That 's what they 're calling it . One of the ferries hit something on the way over . Tore up the bottom pretty good . No one knows what it was , so they 're calling it the sea monster . " He shrugged as he headed inside . " Something in the water , " was all he said . Ronnie eavesdropped on a crowd below ; they were all pretty upset . Apparently not only had the " sea monster " damaged the boat , but one woman was missing . No one had seen or heard her fall in , and indeed , her husband had somehow missed her absence until after they got to shore . She was just gone . She thought about Olivier . They 'd been taking " lunch " for about eight months now . It was a convenient thing , mostly : They were both attracted to each other but totally uninterested in anything like a relationship . After all , he was the boss . That made it all easy . He was the opposite of Alan that way : If she gave Alan a fraction of a chance he 'd probably propose just to keep her around . Ronnie murmured her agreement . Then she stood up straight , startled . Who said that ? She looked around , thinking it might be Lauro , but no one was there . This time she saw : Someone was down on the floating docks , where the sea lions usually lounged , three black shapes . Their outlines were strangely stooped and round - headed , with stiff arms straight at their sides . How had they even gotten out there ? They had to have swum , but the water was freezing . And what the hell were they saying ? Nobody else seemed to realize they were there . " It all started with the sea , " said the voice again . " Everything on the land came up out of the sea first . The ocean is the mother that we ran away from . " The crazy guy from the bus ? It couldn 't be . I 'm dreaming , she thought . Or I 'm seeing things . When she looked again , sure enough , the figures were gone , though the water was disturbed and the dock was rocking back and forth , as if perhaps something had just jumped in . I imagined it , she told herself as she started the walk to the bus stop . I must have imagined it . She was still telling herself that as she lay awake that night next to Alan and tried not think about what the voice had said . Once , she got up to look out the window for some unknowable reason and was surprised to find the street full of people , though it was long after midnight . Her neighbors were leaving their homes and , as one it seemed , walking toward the beach . And what was that noise ? She listened more closely . Were they singing ? It was that same song she 'd heard so many times the last few days . A few more minutes of listening convinced her that the sound was not coming from the people , thought . It seemed to be coming from the beach , and it must be incredibly loud for her to be able to hear it so clearly . It was like the song of a whale but with a real , recognizable tune . Ronnie shut the window . She locked it . The song got in through the walls anyway . It lulled her to sleep . Three days passed . More people stopped showing up for work . They were down to a skeleton staff . Ronnie and Alan both gave up their days off because otherwise the restaurant wouldn 't have had enough workers to stay open . Even Olivier disappeared . Ronnie heard that SFPD was swamped with missing person 's reports , more in a week than they usually received all year . They were having trouble keeping up because many of their own staff were missing too . Business was down at the restaurant , but the wharf itself still drew big crowds . The people were not interested in eating or shopping , but rather watching the water , as if looking for something , or waiting for something . Mei got worse . She insisted that Boyd visited her at nights , but only when she pretended to be asleep . She left her window open , claiming that he came in to visit her before departing in the mornings . It made no sense to Ronnie or Alan . On Tuesday , one of the ferries went out and didn 't come back . Somewhere on the return trip it simply vanished , and not a person on shore could say what happened to it . On Wednesday , the son of a tourist couple jumped the railing on the docks . He never resurfaced , but no one , not even his parents , seemed surprised . They treated it like the most natural and expected thing . And Ronnie was starting to feel under the weather herself . By Friday no one bothered to go into work at all ; no one in the entire city . The singing was now happening not just at night but all day too , and everyone could hear it . People either sat , stupefied , in their homes listening , or else they followed it out to the beach , more and more of them never returning . She was standing in the living room doing nothing in particular when movement on the front steps caught her attention . They 'd left the door open and someone was out there , peering in . Ronnie started , and then her heart jumped up when she recognized who it was , and she ran to the door ( feet splashing through puddled seawater all over the floor … ) and almost went to hug him , but stopped in her tracks when he shied away , trying to cover his face . Boyd turned and ran , hopping the side fence and vanishing . Ronnie sank to her knees . Then , she emerged from the dreamlike state she 'd been in for the past few days , fully realizing for the first time the strange things she 'd seen and heard . Cold horror built its nest inside of her . I have to get out of the city , she realized . Whatever was happening , it was affecting everyone here . She had to find Alan , get Mei and Sandra , and then get away . She wasn 't sure where they should go . Just away . She heard the shower running and ran to the bathroom , almost breaking her neck on the wet floor . The shower door was open and the nozzle poured onto Alan 's back as he huddled , under it . Ronnie drenched herself picking him , then cried out when she turned him over . He still looked human , but the signs were unmistakable : His skin had taken on a smooth , rubbery texture , and his face was oddly long , with wide black eyes . His hands , she saw , were becoming webbed , and it was difficult for him to stand because his feet had changed shape , becoming wider at the ends , like flippers . He was not yet in the same state as Boyd , but he was well on the way . Is it too late , she wondered ? How long has this been happening to him ? The last few days were a blur in her mind . She couldn 't place when the process started or how fast it was taking effect . She just knew that the song had done this to him . She tried to pick him up but his rubbery flesh was slipper . Finally she gave up and just took his face in both hands , turning it to hers . " Baby , " she said , " I need you to listen . " He seemed dazed but he at least looked at her . " You have to stay right here , okay ? I 'm going to bring help . Whatever you do , don 't leave the house . " There was no way of knowing if he understood , but he seemed to nod . It would have to do . She didn 't bother locking the door as she left . The streets were full of people , but they paid her no mind , glassy - eyed zombies looking toward the beach . Ronnie kept her head down and walked east , away from the ocean , toward 19th Avenue . She hoped she wasn 't too late . Mei 's door was hung half open when Ronnie got there , and the outer corridor was wet with puddled water . Ronnie ran but skidded to a halt as Boyd came out , already holding little Sandra in his scaly arms . Sandra wasn 't crying but instead looked passively up at her father , who himself seemed on the verge of tears , though there was little recognizable human expression left in his face . Out in the open now , Ronnie saw fully what she had only glimpsed back at her house , but it was difficult to describe what Boyd really looked like : not entirely like a shark , an eel , a stingray , a porpoise , or a seal , but some awful amalgamation of all . And yet , somehow , he still looked like the man she knew . All the others this far along must have taken to the water already , but she knew why Boyd hadn 't . Even now , he couldn 't forget his little girl . Ronnie was between Boyd and his escape . He seemed unsure what to do . He tried to talk but it all came out a garbled mess . His mouth was no longer the proper shape for speech . Ronnie took a step forward and held up a hand . " It 's okay , " she said . Boyd looked ready to run - either away from her or at her . Ronnie advanced one slow step at a time . " Everything 's going to be all right , " she said . " Let me help . " Boyd made a wailing sound . " I know , " Ronnie said . " What happened isn 't your fault . But you don 't want to bring Sandra into this . You don 't want to hurt Mei . " Where was Mei ? Ronnie pushed the thought aside . There was no time . " Look at your girl , Boyd , " she said . The baby giggled and squirmed happily in Boyd 's arms . " You don 't want her in this , do you ? " Ronnie held her arms out , " I 'll keep her safe . " Boyd wavered . " I 'll take her and Mei and we 'll go far away from all this . " Ronnie took another step forward . They were almost touching now . " I promise . " Hands shaking , Boyd put the baby in Ronnie 's arms . The little girl had somehow managed to fall asleep . Ronnie backed away . Boyd slouched on the steps , looking at the empty place in his hands where his child had just been … And then he cried out . He darted forward , making a grab for the baby again . " Boyd , no ! " Ronnie said , but he rushed at her , arms outstretched , and Ronnie flinched , hugging Sandra and praying she wouldn 't be hurt … A sound like a firecracker right next to her ear stunned Ronnie . Then there was another , and another , and another . Sandra woke with a shriek and Ronnie dropped to her knees , huddling over the baby . When the noise finally stopped she looked up and saw Boyd , face down on the ground . Blood was everywhere . Behind him , still half - concealed by the open door , was Mei . Boyd 's gun smoked in her hand . Mei was placid as she stepped over Boyd 's body and took Sandra from Ronnie . She shushed the baby and rocked her back and forth until the crying stopped . Ronnie stared at Boyd 's corpse , paralyzed . Boyd was dead . Boyd was dead . Boyd - As the ringing in her ears dimmed Ronnie heard the siren song again and reminded herself that there wasn 't any time to waste . Trying not to really think about what had just happened she stood up and took Mei by the shoulders . " Mei , can you hear me ? Are , you know , all here ? " And then she stopped . She looked at her hand on Mei 's shoulder . She went cold . She felt herself screaming inside but pushed it down . No time . No time . " Forget that , " she said , " Just get in the car and go . Drive until … " She paused , " Just get as far inland as you can . And don 't stop for anything . " " Aren 't you coming ? " said Mei . " It 's too late , " Ronnie said , and held up her hand so that Mei could see the webbed fingers . Mei gave her a look of pity , but nodded . She buckled Sandra into her car seat , packed all the food in the house that wouldn 't spoil into the trunk and , without sparing a glance behind , she drove off . Ronnie watched her go . The streets to the west were jammed with empty cars , but to the east the whole city looked empty . Ronnie wondered if they would make it . Was it safe to cross any of the bridges ? And had they , like her , already begun to change without realizing it ? Ronnie shuddered . It was no use worrying now . It was out of her hands . When she finally got back she already knew just by looking at the house that Alan was gone . Her heart sank , but she knew he must have held out as long as he could , she told herself . Or did he ? She thought about how long Boyd had stayed behind for Sandra . Would Alan have wanted to stay like that for her ? She guessed she 'd never know now . She sat in the living room , humming along with the ocean song . No reason not to listen to it now . She didn 't want to go the beach , but she had no plan beyond just staying here for as long as she could resist it . Then she heard a floorboard creak . The stink of seawater rose up . Ronnie turned and saw three of them , crouched in her open doorway and looking at her , their mouths full of pointed teeth and open in a silent whisper , ocean water still dripping from their rubbery hides . All at once they advanced on her . " No , " she said . " Please . I don 't want to go . " They didn 't listen . She tried to run but they were faster , taking her by both arms and ignoring her struggles . " I don 't want to go , I don 't want to go ! " she said . " Just let me stay here , please . It doesn 't matter now . It doesn 't - " The sound of waves woke her up . Ronnie was standing in the tide , her bare feet covered by wet sand . The sun was going down , and hundreds and hundreds of shells dotted the sand . Somewhere out there in the water , a great shape basked in the waves , singing . She was finally close enough to see it , but , what was it ? It seemed too big to be alive , like a living island , or a reef that had swum to the surface . A dozen people stood with Ronnie , all in thrall to the song . The one next to her was almost completely finished changing , but somehow she still recognized him as the man from the bus , even if his voice was barely intelligible because his mouth was longer the proper shape . " We all came from the ocean , " he said again . " Everyone , everything , all descended from those first slimy things that crawled up out of the waves . " Do you wonder why they left ? I used to think they were running away from something , but now I think maybe they were sent . What if some great creature of the sea , some god or monster , sent them onto the land to do a job ? " And what if , now that job is over , and she 's calling us home ? What if one day your DNA just wakes up and says , oh , right , it 's time to go . And we all just go . " He smiled , or approximated one . Ronnie said nothing , but his words struck a chord . " It 's been nice up here , " the man said . " But I guess we couldn 't stay away from home forever . " And with that he leapt into the water . Ronnie saw his legs and feet fuse into a tail , and then he was gone . He swam toward the living island and , one by one , so did all the others . Ronnie was the only one left . She sighed , but even as she did she waded out into the water , fighting the waves . For a moment they felt cold against her rubbery flesh . Alan was out there somewhere . I 'm going to find Alan , she told herself . I 'm going home to find him , and this time I won 't let him go . Somehow , everything will be all right . Ronnie swam out to the part of the great Sea Mother that sat above the surface . The gigantic beast had been working hard , swimming close to the surface and calling out to her children for days and days . Ronnie climbed up onto the side of the thing , still trying to get a look at it . What was it ? She saw one of its huge yellow eyes looking at her , and then the Sea Mother 's limbs thrashed in the water , great , waving , graceful tentacles , the twining limbs that gave motion to the waves . It prepared to dive , and Ronnie braced , waiting to submerge . Everyone clung to the monster 's back . In her mind she saw images of a great sunken city , where they all would soon live . Was it some ancient Cyclopean ruin beneath the waves , or was she seeing the future of this city , which they would reclaim when the sea rose up to take it ? There was no time to wonder now . With a roaring of waves the Sea Mother dived . For a moment the surface of the ocean churned and roiled , as if it itself were some great , angry beast whose eons - long rest had been disturbed . I can almost see more of this story in my mind . The places it would take us , the " people " we would meet . . . This story seems as if its an excerpt from a novel . It 's that good , sir . You are definitely worthy of being in the King / Koontz league . |
Introduction : There 's something in the water . . . " I cannot think of the deep sea without shuddering at the nameless things that may be crawling and floundering on its slimy bed . I dream of a day when they may rise to drag down mankind - when the land shall sink , and the dark ocean floor ascend amidst universal pandemonium . " Ronnie woke to Mei crying on the phone , saying Boyd wasn 't there and hadn 't shown up to work and hadn 't answered any of her calls for two days . Ronnie heard the baby crying on the other end of the line , and even though it was three in the morning Ronnie and Alan both woke up and went over to Mei and Boyd 's apartment a few blocks down to check on things . Mei spent the whole night pacing and drinking coffee and rocking little Sandra in her arms . " She 's crying because she knows , " Mei said . " She knows her daddy is gone . " Ronnie took the baby and bounced her , trying to make her laugh . " She 's just being fussy , " Ronnie said . " I 'm sure Boyd is fine . He 's probably just , you know . . . out . " That was the word they used when Boyd went on a bender . Mei shook her head and bit nails . " Not this time , " she said . " He wouldn 't leave Sandra , " said Alan . He was standing in the kitchen door , hair still mussed from sleep . Ronnie agreed , and Mei kept fretting . And Sandra , well , Sandra just cried . The truth was , Ronnie thought Boyd really might have gone and done something crazy . He 'd been worse than usual lately . The drugs and the drinking were always bad , but even at his worst Boyd had never seemed like he didn 't care . He always wanted to do right by Mei and Sandra , even if he was too much of a fuck - up to actually do it . That was why they all stuck by him even though he was never going to get it together , and why Ronnie chipped in on Mei 's rent every month , even though she could barely afford it . Now things had changed . Sandra used to be all Boyd would talk about , but now he scarcely mentioned the baby at all . He 'd gotten pale and thin , and some bizarre rash appeared from time to time on his face . Last week Ronnie broke down and begged him to go to the hospital . He just stared at her like he didn 't know who she was , eyes bulging from the fluid building up under his skin . He seemed dazed all the time , zombie - like . And now he 'd disappeared . Ronnie didn 't say so , but she was as sure as Mei that whatever happened this time wasn 't his normal drug binge . Sandra squirmed in her arms and Ronnie 's heart broke a little bit . Where are you Boyd , she thought ? We all need you here . Even I need you . But there was no answer except the sound of the ocean surf a couple blocks away . When Ronnie went into work at the Fish House the next day , Boyd was all she could think about . The shift was a person short without him , and Ronnie was back and forth between the kitchen and the front , filling in between hostess duties with dishwashing . The traffic was the same as usual : tourists , tourists , and tourists . She tried to keep busy , and sang under her breath to pass the time . She realized she couldn 't quite place the tune she was singing , but for some reason it made her think of Boyd more . On her break she sat outside and watched the milling masses going up one end of Fisherman 's Wharf and down the other , in and out of the souvenir shops and the restaurants or down to the docks to watch the boats coming in or the sea lions playing . The wharf was a two - story boardwalk of stores and restaurants on the waterfront . Tourists came to see Alcatraz and a view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the big ships coming in and out , and the locals sold t - shirts and seafood and a show and anything else . It was all the same as it had ever been . One man disappeared from everyone 's lives , but the world kept turning . Lauro , the busboy , took his break with her . He seemed interested in something on the floating docks below . " You ever wonder about the sea lions ? " he said . Ronnie blinked . " What about them ? " Ronnie shrugged . As far as she could tell they were still there , a few dozen of the big , smelly beasts lying around , occasionally swimming or fighting or diving for food but mostly just sunning themselves and barking while the tourists took pictures . There used to be hundreds of them , but in the past few years most had left . She 'd only worked here after the great migration and never thought much of it . " Sometimes I think they all ran away , " Lauro said . " That 's what I keep wondering . " Ronnie was puzzled . Later that night , when the kitchen was closed and the chairs put up and the last tour boat had come and gone , she lingered over the sea lions again , watching two pups wrestle , thinking about what running away meant . The wind changed direction and blew straight in her face . She always hated that fishy salt smell of everything in and around the ocean , but there was no getting away from it here . Down below , one of the pups got the upper hand and pushed the other into the water with yelp and a splash . Ronnie giggled . She waited for the pup to come back to the surface , but it didn 't . She counted to herself . After a thirty - count the animal still hadn 't reappeared . The one still on the dock started to bark . Then Ronnie saw something moving in the water . It wasn 't shaped like a sea lion , or a dolphin , or anything else that usually swam to the surface here . It was big and ungainly . It almost looked like … When she blinked and it was gone . I must be seeing things , she thought . For a moment she thought she 'd seen something like a man in a wetsuit , but no one would be swimming in the freezing , pitch black water at this time of night . Still , the memory of the half - glimpsed figure troubled her all the way home . The bus was late , which meant she was late getting home . She 'd had plans with Alan to meet at her place but she expected he 'd already given up and gone home . To her surprise , she caught him asleep on the couch , where he must have dozed off waiting for her . She 'd given him the extra key a week ago , with a warning not to interpret this as any sign that they were getting more serious . He 'd still looked secretly pleased with himself on accept it , though . It looked like he 'd fallen asleep in the middle of working on something from one of his art classes . She leafed through pages on the table : mostly anatomy drawings of a sitting model . On the last one he 'd doodled a scaly tail instead of legs , making her a mermaid . It was cute . Outside , the fog was coming in off the beach and smothering the street . The sound of the waves followed her home . She knew she was lucky to have a place of her own , and close to the beach , lucky that her parents had bought it outright and left it to her . But the truth was she didn 't like being so near the ocean . As a kid she 'd used to have nightmares about the ocean . She 'd always been terrified of any deep water that she couldn 't see to the bottom of … She kicked the couch and Alan woke up , confused and with his hair mussed . Ronnie burst out laughing . He sat up , looking sheepish and apologizing for falling asleep on her . Back in the bedroom she pushed him down onto the mattress and swung a leg over Alan 's body , straddling him . She stripped his shirt off and smiled in the dark and ran her hands down his naked chest ; even with so little light she could see the contrast between them , her dark hand looking like a silhouette or a shadow against his pale Irish skin . She leaned over and kissed him , open - mouthed , her lips gliding against his . Then she whispered , teasing : " I got you something . " " Huh ? " She went to her where her purse hung on the back of a chair . Alan sat up a little to watch her . " What are you doing ? " he said . She grinned some more . " Something special , to help you , ah , relieve stress . " She fished around in her purse and then turned back to the bed . There was a hard clink of metal as she dangled them in front of his face : handcuffs . Ronnie straddled him again , teasing him with the cuffs . " Look what I 've got , " she said , jingling them some more . He tried to reach for them but she snatched them away each time . She wagged a finger at him . " Ah , ah , " she said . " Bad boy . " She leaned in and purred next to his ear . " Hands against the posts , lover boy . " She bit him . " Now . " Feigning reluctance , Alan put his wrists to the headboard , letting Ronnie snap the restraints in place . She clicked them until he grunted . " Too tight ? " she said . He shook his head . " Good . " She purred in his hear again , flicking the lobe with the tip of her tongue , the way she knew he liked . He moaned a little . She did it more . He writhed underneath her . She enjoyed the feeling of his movements , forceful but restrained . The chain of the cuffs rattled against the bed frame . When he pushed up and then down against her , it felt like the movement of the ocean … The thought startled her and for a second she lost her focus . But when she met his eyes it reassured her , and her anxiety vanished . She kissed his jaw and the side of his neck , and then his shoulders and naked chest , again admiring the impressionistic contrast of her dark skin against his pale figure . His chest and stomach was a smooth , muscled plane all the way down , a swimmer 's body . She teased his navel with her tongue , which she knew tickled and caused him to thrash in genuine discomfort . She only did it the once , just so she could hear him instinctively pull against his restraints . It wasn 't any fun if he didn 't at least try to get out , once . She laughed and winked at him , and he chuckled back . Ronnie rubbed herself back and forth against the hardening bulge of his cock , visible now through his underwear . " What have you got for me ? " she said , pushing on it , rubbing her palm up and down . " What have you got , hmm ? " He grunted and tried to answer but it seemed he could think of nothing clever , so he opted for sheepish , blushing silence . She was delighted . She kissed the bulge and then sat up on him again . " I 've got something for you , " she said , pulling her shirt off and discarding her bra . The cold air of the bedroom tingled against her naked breasts . She saw Alan bite his lip again , and again his hands tried to go forward to touch her and feel her body only to be stopped short by the metal clatter of the cuffs ; those things really were a good investment . She was glad she 'd thought to buy them . She squeezed her breasts underneath , fondling them a little , teasing him . Alan had always been a breast guy . She jiggled them , then leaned over so that they were just out of reach of his upraised head . He even stuck his tongue all the way out trying to lick one , and she pushed him back down with the palm of her hand , laughing . He grumbled , so she finally took pity and leaned over some more , letting him kiss and then suck one breast . " Mmmm , " she said as his lips caressed the sensitive flesh . He needed a shave and the sharp ends of his stubble rubbed against her so that she winced , savoring the sharp , satisfying pain . She rubbed her nipple back and forth across his open mouth before pulling away again , then teasing him some more , back and forth , up and down , always just out of reach . All the while she was rubbing back and forth against his hard cock , sliding up and down the length of his shaft as it strained through the fabric , fit to burst . " What have you got for me ? " she said again . " You see what I 've got for you , but what have you got for me ? " She reached between her own legs to squeeze him some more . He was in quite a state . She stripped her panties off , throwing them away , setting her naked , wet cunt against the bulge now , grinding him ; delightful vibrations went up through her sex and traveled the length of her spine . She pushed herself down on him harder and harder , making the lips of her cunt squeeze tight around themselves and sending a jolt jumping up into her abdomen . " Ohhh , fuck ! " she said , rolling her eyes . She licked a finger and began rubbing herself around and around while she moved . She felt hot and dirty all over . Alan was so beside himself now she thought he might rip the headboard off . She pushed him back down and he moaned with frustration . Finally she pulled his underwear off , his erection springing free . She rubbed it back and forth across her palm before easing herself back into it , feeling it penetrate her wet lips and slide in . She watched Alan throw his head back and indulge in a long , satisfied groan as the muscles of her cunt slid around him , taking him in , squeezing him . Ronnie 's clit pulsed as he filled her up . She lay out across his naked body , her arms twined round his neck , lips pressed to his as she rocked back and forth on his cock , sliding herself along the length of him . She tried to increase her control by pushing him down with her knees but it was no use ; even without his hands he was bucking and pushing up against her with his hips . They seemed to fight for control for a few moments before Ronnie relented and finally , with a bit of difficulty because he would not stop thrashing , took the cuffs off . He sat up straight and grabbed her in both arms with so much force that the breath left her body . Without waiting for her to recover he pushed her down on him while at the same time he pushed up , so hard and so far that she yelped . She hung onto him for support ; he was shaking all over , trembling with the energy of all the enthusiasm she 'd forced him to suppress . Now that he was out , he was taking it all out on her . Ronnie hung on for dear life , letting her neck crane back and crying out as she thrust up into her again and again , pulling her up and down on him , forcing her on and off . Her pussy throbbed and the feeling went all the way through her . Alan was out of control . She enjoyed the ride . This went on and on until she felt it finally crest and swell up inside of her , hitting her hard and then washing away , leaving her stunned for a moment . She flopped down on the mattress , barely able to sit up , but Alan still wouldn 't leave it be , climbing on top of her and going all the way back in . Ronnie didn 't have time to catch her breath , so she made little hiccupping noises as he went and went and went . When he came inside her it felt like a burst and she gushed wet on him all over again . He lay over her then , spent and panting , his entire body damp with sweat . She ran her fingers through his hair and it came out drenched . He kissed her so hard it hurt . She let out an " Mmph " of satisfaction . After they 'd cuddled and talked a bit he drifted off to sleep . She stayed up a little longer , playing with the cuffs and watching him . He was cute when he was all tuckered out . They 'd only been going out for a month or two . Really , " going out " wasn 't quite the right word . Alan had made it clear he wanted to be more than just friends with benefits , but for reasons she didn 't quite understand herself , Ronnie held off . The last second before she fell asleep , Ronnie thought she saw someone else at the window , a strange gray figure looking in . It was gone so fast she assumed it must not have been a real , a last - second hallucination brought on by the passage into sleep . There had been something unidentifiably awful about the shape of it , something that made her think of those fish with the giant teeth that swam through trenches on the bottom of the ocean … But it was gone now . Maybe it had never been there at all . Finally , eventually , the roaring ocean let her sleep , though her dreams were haunted by strange music , and thoughts of the ocean that she couldn 't quite recall when she woke , except that they made her feel anxious and strange . Water was all over the floor . Seawater , judging from the color and the smell , tracked all over the entryway . Ronnie was down on her hands and knees , mopping it up with paper towels . But the thing that really startled her was not the mess itself , but the sudden realization that she was cleaning it in an automatic fashion without thinking about it or really acknowledging that it was there . It was almost as if she 'd been sleepwalking , and now was jolted into wakefulness . She blinked at brackish water gurgling and her salt - stained fingers . What the hell , she thought ? A distinct feeling of deja vu came over her . " Huh ? " he stuck his head out of the kitchen . She gestured to the tracked - in water . He didn 't seem to see it . She pointed again , with a broader gesture , but his face remained blank . Finally , he actually saw it . " Huh . That 's weird , " he said . " I don 't remember doing that . Did you do that ? " Ronnie shook her head . She didn 't even remember waking up . Alan shrugged and got down to help her clean up . She got the distinct impression that , as soon as they were done , he didn 't remember doing it . And she would have been more troubled except that , very soon , neither did she … Alan 's shift at work didn 't start until two hours after hers , but they rode in on the same bus . They made themselves a little late by stopping at Mei 's to check on her . She seemed a bit less agitated today , until she started talking about how she 'd found Boyd 's gun and was sleeping with it under her pillow . It took Alan half an hour to talk her into at least giving him the bullets out of it . There were probably more in the apartment , but it was all they could do except babysit her all day to make sure that she didn 't up and shooting herself - or worse . There was only one seat left on the bus , so Alan stood and let Ronnie sit . Across from them was a man frantically and fervently talking to himself . He didn 't look like the average homeless ranter though : He was well - dressed and he looked clean . He was even shaved . But he raved and slurred his words and injected short laughs into sentences : " We all come up from the ocean , everything , lizards , pigs , birds , even people . If you go back far enough , it 's all about those first slimy things that crawled onto the beaches . " You ever wonder about that , what made them do it ? Here you are , you 're a fish , and you 're swimming around , and you 've got the whole world of oceans to swim in , so why go up on the land ? Why do that ? " Maybe it 's because you 're running away . Maybe it 's because you know all about that other stuff down there in the ocean and you want to come up where it can 't get at you . " What do you think is out there so bad that it scared them clear up onto the land ? That 's what it 's all about , whatever it is . That 's the real ocean . " He was still talking when they got off . Ronnie kissed Alan and went into work . Renee and Carlton both hadn 't shown up that day , so they were even more shorthanded than usual . A new kid was replacing Boyd , but he didn 't seem altogether there . He was moody and quiet , and he kept dropping things . When he shook hands with Ronnie his palm felt strangely smooth and slick . In fact , everything about him had an oddly polished look , and his eyes were very wide , and he didn 't blink very much . Ronnie kept telling herself that he didn 't really look that much like Boyd the last time she 'd seen him , but the thought kept nagging her . The lunch shift went by in a stream of plastic baskets , folded napkins , washcloths streaking dirtied tables , and the mildly befuddled but generally genial faces of tourists who looked at you as if you were some queer species of local animal that they wanted to observe in its native environment . Some of them were rude , but Ronnie didn 't get mad . It 's not their fault , she told herself . It 's just the way things are . You can 't expect every person to do things exactly right all the time . You have to cut them some slack . You have to - The voice was soft but it was right by her ear , so she jumped . Of course , it was just Olivier . He smiled by way of apology . Alan was in the kitchen by now , and she gave him a little wave and blew him a kiss on the way in , then made sure he didn 't see her going back toward the office . Not that she necessarily had to . She 'd warned him there were other guys , and he 'd sworn he was okay with it . Still , probably better he not know that boss was one of them . Might be bad for his ego . Olivier was humming a song under his breath . Ronnie blinked . She 'd heard that song before . In fact , she 'd been singing it herself just yesterday , but couldn 't remember where she heard it first . She asked Olivier about it and he said he couldn 't remember where he 'd heard it . " Must be going around , " he said . She went down to her knees on the office floor , clearing his belt out of the way , unzipping his pants , and opening the flap on his underwear , taking his cock out and trying not to give it an appraising glare before she started to lick the tip . She kept her eye on the clock as she started ; they had at most ten minutes before someone came looking for one or the both of them . It would be enough . Ronnie swirled her tongue around Olivier 's prick a few times before gulping him in , running down the length of him and getting him wet with spit before popping back out and licking up and down the underside of him again . He was at half - mast when she started , but soon enough his cock was full and raring to go . She was about to break off , as she 'd only wanted to get him going , but he grabbed the back of her head and pushed it down again . Almost involuntarily she opened her mouth and swallowed again , and as he held her in place she began to really suck , pursuing her lips around his invading shaft and slurping . He moaned with satisfaction and leaned further back in his chair so that he could get more leverage as he started fucking her mouth . Ronnie gagged but didn 't lose it , instead relaxing her throat muscles , indeed , trying to relax her entire body . She let him slide in and out of her mouth , his cock growing wetter and wetter and dribbling across her tongue . Ronnie felt the thick intrusion move all the way as far in as it would , and then with a rumbling " Ah ! " he pulled all the way out at once . Ronnie coughed and sucked in air . Her face was red and tears squeezed out the corners of her eyes from the exertion . One she caught her breath she stood up , smiled at Olivier , then turned and put her hands on the wall , puOlivier grabbed the back of her head and pulled her hair , although not very hard . " Who 's the boss ? " he said . " Oh , fuck baby , you 're the boss ! " He started to fuck harder . " You 're the boss , you 're the boss , you 're the boss , ohhhhh , fuck yeah baby , you 're the boss ! " She kept her voice as low as possible , since the walls in this place were paper - thin , so everything came out as a whisper . Olivier 's cock expanded to stretch out her lips a bit and she knew that he was dribbling away inside of her . She pushed on the wall as hard as she could , pushing back against him , inciting him to push forward , the weight of his body compressing her ass , making her labia ache with the force of what he was doing , and then she felt the gratifying gush of him inside of her . Olivier looked a little sheepish . He always did when they 'd finished . Wordlessly , they both cleaned up and dressed as fast as they could . She kissed him as quick as she could on the lips , and then Ronnie took her post back at the register with nobody the wiser . Hopefully . As soon as she was able , she took off her apron and excused herself for a break , ducking outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air . You couldn 't ever really escape that fishy smell , but it wasn 't as bad outside . It was dark out already . Ronnie saw that there were even fewer sea lions around now than the day before . Lauro was finishing his own break . " Did you hear about the sea monster ? " he said with a grin . Ronnie started . " The what ? " He laughed . " That 's what they 're calling it . One of the ferries hit something on the way over . Tore up the bottom pretty good . No one knows what it was , so they 're calling it the sea monster . " He shrugged as he headed inside . " Something in the water , " was all he said . Ronnie eavesdropped on a crowd below ; they were all pretty upset . Apparently not only had the " sea monster " damaged the boat , but one woman was missing . No one had seen or heard her fall in , and indeed , her husband had somehow missed her absence until after they got to shore . She was just gone . She thought about Olivier . They 'd been taking " lunch " for about eight months now . It was a convenient thing , mostly : They were both attracted to each other but totally uninterested in anything like a relationship . After all , he was the boss . That made it all easy . He was the opposite of Alan that way : If she gave Alan a fraction of a chance he 'd probably propose just to keep her around . Ronnie murmured her agreement . Then she stood up straight , startled . Who said that ? She looked around , thinking it might be Lauro , but no one was there . This time she saw : Someone was down on the floating docks , where the sea lions usually lounged , three black shapes . Their outlines were strangely stooped and round - headed , with stiff arms straight at their sides . How had they even gotten out there ? They had to have swum , but the water was freezing . And what the hell were they saying ? Nobody else seemed to realize they were there . " It all started with the sea , " said the voice again . " Everything on the land came up out of the sea first . The ocean is the mother that we ran away from . " The crazy guy from the bus ? It couldn 't be . I 'm dreaming , she thought . Or I 'm seeing things . When she looked again , sure enough , the figures were gone , though the water was disturbed and the dock was rocking back and forth , as if perhaps something had just jumped in . I imagined it , she told herself as she started the walk to the bus stop . I must have imagined it . She was still telling herself that as she lay awake that night next to Alan and tried not think about what the voice had said . Once , she got up to look out the window for some unknowable reason and was surprised to find the street full of people , though it was long after midnight . Her neighbors were leaving their homes and , as one it seemed , walking toward the beach . And what was that noise ? She listened more closely . Were they singing ? It was that same song she 'd heard so many times the last few days . A few more minutes of listening convinced her that the sound was not coming from the people , thought . It seemed to be coming from the beach , and it must be incredibly loud for her to be able to hear it so clearly . It was like the song of a whale but with a real , recognizable tune . Ronnie shut the window . She locked it . The song got in through the walls anyway . It lulled her to sleep . Three days passed . More people stopped showing up for work . They were down to a skeleton staff . Ronnie and Alan both gave up their days off because otherwise the restaurant wouldn 't have had enough workers to stay open . Even Olivier disappeared . Ronnie heard that SFPD was swamped with missing person 's reports , more in a week than they usually received all year . They were having trouble keeping up because many of their own staff were missing too . Business was down at the restaurant , but the wharf itself still drew big crowds . The people were not interested in eating or shopping , but rather watching the water , as if looking for something , or waiting for something . Mei got worse . She insisted that Boyd visited her at nights , but only when she pretended to be asleep . She left her window open , claiming that he came in to visit her before departing in the mornings . It made no sense to Ronnie or Alan . On Tuesday , one of the ferries went out and didn 't come back . Somewhere on the return trip it simply vanished , and not a person on shore could say what happened to it . On Wednesday , the son of a tourist couple jumped the railing on the docks . He never resurfaced , but no one , not even his parents , seemed surprised . They treated it like the most natural and expected thing . And Ronnie was starting to feel under the weather herself . By Friday no one bothered to go into work at all ; no one in the entire city . The singing was now happening not just at night but all day too , and everyone could hear it . People either sat , stupefied , in their homes listening , or else they followed it out to the beach , more and more of them never returning . She was standing in the living room doing nothing in particular when movement on the front steps caught her attention . They 'd left the door open and someone was out there , peering in . Ronnie started , and then her heart jumped up when she recognized who it was , and she ran to the door ( feet splashing through puddled seawater all over the floor … ) and almost went to hug him , but stopped in her tracks when he shied away , trying to cover his face . Boyd turned and ran , hopping the side fence and vanishing . Ronnie sank to her knees . Then , she emerged from the dreamlike state she 'd been in for the past few days , fully realizing for the first time the strange things she 'd seen and heard . Cold horror built its nest inside of her . I have to get out of the city , she realized . Whatever was happening , it was affecting everyone here . She had to find Alan , get Mei and Sandra , and then get away . She wasn 't sure where they should go . Just away . She heard the shower running and ran to the bathroom , almost breaking her neck on the wet floor . The shower door was open and the nozzle poured onto Alan 's back as he huddled , under it . Ronnie drenched herself picking him , then cried out when she turned him over . He still looked human , but the signs were unmistakable : His skin had taken on a smooth , rubbery texture , and his face was oddly long , with wide black eyes . His hands , she saw , were becoming webbed , and it was difficult for him to stand because his feet had changed shape , becoming wider at the ends , like flippers . He was not yet in the same state as Boyd , but he was well on the way . Is it too late , she wondered ? How long has this been happening to him ? The last few days were a blur in her mind . She couldn 't place when the process started or how fast it was taking effect . She just knew that the song had done this to him . She tried to pick him up but his rubbery flesh was slipper . Finally she gave up and just took his face in both hands , turning it to hers . " Baby , " she said , " I need you to listen . " He seemed dazed but he at least looked at her . " You have to stay right here , okay ? I 'm going to bring help . Whatever you do , don 't leave the house . " There was no way of knowing if he understood , but he seemed to nod . It would have to do . She didn 't bother locking the door as she left . The streets were full of people , but they paid her no mind , glassy - eyed zombies looking toward the beach . Ronnie kept her head down and walked east , away from the ocean , toward 19th Avenue . She hoped she wasn 't too late . Mei 's door was hung half open when Ronnie got there , and the outer corridor was wet with puddled water . Ronnie ran but skidded to a halt as Boyd came out , already holding little Sandra in his scaly arms . Sandra wasn 't crying but instead looked passively up at her father , who himself seemed on the verge of tears , though there was little recognizable human expression left in his face . Out in the open now , Ronnie saw fully what she had only glimpsed back at her house , but it was difficult to describe what Boyd really looked like : not entirely like a shark , an eel , a stingray , a porpoise , or a seal , but some awful amalgamation of all . And yet , somehow , he still looked like the man she knew . All the others this far along must have taken to the water already , but she knew why Boyd hadn 't . Even now , he couldn 't forget his little girl . Ronnie was between Boyd and his escape . He seemed unsure what to do . He tried to talk but it all came out a garbled mess . His mouth was no longer the proper shape for speech . Ronnie took a step forward and held up a hand . " It 's okay , " she said . Boyd looked ready to run - either away from her or at her . Ronnie advanced one slow step at a time . " Everything 's going to be all right , " she said . " Let me help . " Boyd made a wailing sound . " I know , " Ronnie said . " What happened isn 't your fault . But you don 't want to bring Sandra into this . You don 't want to hurt Mei . " Where was Mei ? Ronnie pushed the thought aside . There was no time . " Look at your girl , Boyd , " she said . The baby giggled and squirmed happily in Boyd 's arms . " You don 't want her in this , do you ? " Ronnie held her arms out , " I 'll keep her safe . " Boyd wavered . " I 'll take her and Mei and we 'll go far away from all this . " Ronnie took another step forward . They were almost touching now . " I promise . " Hands shaking , Boyd put the baby in Ronnie 's arms . The little girl had somehow managed to fall asleep . Ronnie backed away . Boyd slouched on the steps , looking at the empty place in his hands where his child had just been … And then he cried out . He darted forward , making a grab for the baby again . " Boyd , no ! " Ronnie said , but he rushed at her , arms outstretched , and Ronnie flinched , hugging Sandra and praying she wouldn 't be hurt … A sound like a firecracker right next to her ear stunned Ronnie . Then there was another , and another , and another . Sandra woke with a shriek and Ronnie dropped to her knees , huddling over the baby . When the noise finally stopped she looked up and saw Boyd , face down on the ground . Blood was everywhere . Behind him , still half - concealed by the open door , was Mei . Boyd 's gun smoked in her hand . Mei was placid as she stepped over Boyd 's body and took Sandra from Ronnie . She shushed the baby and rocked her back and forth until the crying stopped . Ronnie stared at Boyd 's corpse , paralyzed . Boyd was dead . Boyd was dead . Boyd - As the ringing in her ears dimmed Ronnie heard the siren song again and reminded herself that there wasn 't any time to waste . Trying not to really think about what had just happened she stood up and took Mei by the shoulders . " Mei , can you hear me ? Are , you know , all here ? " And then she stopped . She looked at her hand on Mei 's shoulder . She went cold . She felt herself screaming inside but pushed it down . No time . No time . " Forget that , " she said , " Just get in the car and go . Drive until … " She paused , " Just get as far inland as you can . And don 't stop for anything . " " Aren 't you coming ? " said Mei . " It 's too late , " Ronnie said , and held up her hand so that Mei could see the webbed fingers . Mei gave her a look of pity , but nodded . She buckled Sandra into her car seat , packed all the food in the house that wouldn 't spoil into the trunk and , without sparing a glance behind , she drove off . Ronnie watched her go . The streets to the west were jammed with empty cars , but to the east the whole city looked empty . Ronnie wondered if they would make it . Was it safe to cross any of the bridges ? And had they , like her , already begun to change without realizing it ? Ronnie shuddered . It was no use worrying now . It was out of her hands . When she finally got back she already knew just by looking at the house that Alan was gone . Her heart sank , but she knew he must have held out as long as he could , she told herself . Or did he ? She thought about how long Boyd had stayed behind for Sandra . Would Alan have wanted to stay like that for her ? She guessed she 'd never know now . She sat in the living room , humming along with the ocean song . No reason not to listen to it now . She didn 't want to go the beach , but she had no plan beyond just staying here for as long as she could resist it . Then she heard a floorboard creak . The stink of seawater rose up . Ronnie turned and saw three of them , crouched in her open doorway and looking at her , their mouths full of pointed teeth and open in a silent whisper , ocean water still dripping from their rubbery hides . All at once they advanced on her . " No , " she said . " Please . I don 't want to go . " They didn 't listen . She tried to run but they were faster , taking her by both arms and ignoring her struggles . " I don 't want to go , I don 't want to go ! " she said . " Just let me stay here , please . It doesn 't matter now . It doesn 't - " The sound of waves woke her up . Ronnie was standing in the tide , her bare feet covered by wet sand . The sun was going down , and hundreds and hundreds of shells dotted the sand . Somewhere out there in the water , a great shape basked in the waves , singing . She was finally close enough to see it , but , what was it ? It seemed too big to be alive , like a living island , or a reef that had swum to the surface . A dozen people stood with Ronnie , all in thrall to the song . The one next to her was almost completely finished changing , but somehow she still recognized him as the man from the bus , even if his voice was barely intelligible because his mouth was longer the proper shape . " We all came from the ocean , " he said again . " Everyone , everything , all descended from those first slimy things that crawled up out of the waves . " Do you wonder why they left ? I used to think they were running away from something , but now I think maybe they were sent . What if some great creature of the sea , some god or monster , sent them onto the land to do a job ? " And what if , now that job is over , and she 's calling us home ? What if one day your DNA just wakes up and says , oh , right , it 's time to go . And we all just go . " He smiled , or approximated one . Ronnie said nothing , but his words struck a chord . " It 's been nice up here , " the man said . " But I guess we couldn 't stay away from home forever . " And with that he leapt into the water . Ronnie saw his legs and feet fuse into a tail , and then he was gone . He swam toward the living island and , one by one , so did all the others . Ronnie was the only one left . She sighed , but even as she did she waded out into the water , fighting the waves . For a moment they felt cold against her rubbery flesh . Alan was out there somewhere . I 'm going to find Alan , she told herself . I 'm going home to find him , and this time I won 't let him go . Somehow , everything will be all right . Ronnie swam out to the part of the great Sea Mother that sat above the surface . The gigantic beast had been working hard , swimming close to the surface and calling out to her children for days and days . Ronnie climbed up onto the side of the thing , still trying to get a look at it . What was it ? She saw one of its huge yellow eyes looking at her , and then the Sea Mother 's limbs thrashed in the water , great , waving , graceful tentacles , the twining limbs that gave motion to the waves . It prepared to dive , and Ronnie braced , waiting to submerge . Everyone clung to the monster 's back . In her mind she saw images of a great sunken city , where they all would soon live . Was it some ancient Cyclopean ruin beneath the waves , or was she seeing the future of this city , which they would reclaim when the sea rose up to take it ? There was no time to wonder now . With a roaring of waves the Sea Mother dived . For a moment the surface of the ocean churned and roiled , as if it itself were some great , angry beast whose eons - long rest had been disturbed . I can almost see more of this story in my mind . The places it would take us , the " people " we would meet . . . This story seems as if its an excerpt from a novel . It 's that good , sir . You are definitely worthy of being in the King / Koontz league . |
saudi I Didn 't Know Her . While I was living in Saudi Arabia , there were many many times when I would get bored and frustrated . I didn 't have a ton of things to do . I didn 't have a car to go drive when I wanted . Most of the year was too hot to comfortably go on walks and most of my time there , I never really felt safe to do so . The frustration that came along with that was constant . Even in good times , it was still there just around the corner . Now onto my point … I spent a lot of time reading on the internet . Searching out interesting blogs , and sometimes falling down useless rabbit holes . One blogger that I followed was a girl younger than myself , married to a Saudi and living in Riyadh with their ( toddler ) daughter . She was a woman of many words , and her entries either made me relax and feel like I wasn 't alone or they fired me up because I didn 't agree with what she was saying . Normal stuff while reading about another 's life … I really was able to understand some of the frustrations she felt being in Saudi , and found her stories so interesting . I understood the conversations in her post regarding her living in Saudi and the sometimes , odd questions and surprise that others would have . I read , with interest , her posts on motherhood , as I was pregnant while living in Saudi myself . I wanted to meet her when she wrote about her family both in the Ozarks and in Saudi . I wanted to debate her when I read about her conversion and some of the things she did because of her religion . But in general , I sorta felt like I knew her through her blog . Last summer I read that she was having another child and I was feeling good about reading how a second child would change her life stories . Blogs and people can be curious things . Its kinda like getting a letter from someone when the email notification comes up . Get that cup of coffee ready , cause you know its gonna be a long read , kinda thing . Over the past couple months I have been wondering what had happened as I hadn 't gotten the notifications anymore . Today while eating my lunch , I looked up her blog and read the last post . It was full of pain and doctor visits ( here in the States . Her frustration with the medical policies she kept running into , and her travel back to Saudi to be back with her husband and get medical ( affordable ) treatment in her home of Riyadh . As I was reading along I thought the pain seemed odd . and then she signed off stating that she would post more later . I do the same thing . But there wasn 't one … I scrolled down and started reading the comments and discovered that she had died of cancer last fall . She had her baby and three months later died . I have no idea if her children are living in Saudi ( most likely they are ) I have no idea if she died in Saudi with or without her parents by her side . Things like this hit me harder since having a baby , and this is another reason why I still struggle with living abroad . Because I wouldn 't be near my family if something happened . I , still even typing this later , can 't keep the tears from flowing . I never met this girl . but my heart is broken over her death . And it breaks my heart when young babies lose their mommies . No Return My last post in April has left a huge gap in information . I arrived in the States to somewhat chilly temps , and they quickly changed to the lovely summer days that I had missed while I was away . Tank tops , and shorts became my normal choice in clothes for myself , and Onesie 's for my daughter . We were able to go outdoors every single day and enjoy the air , the birds , and insects singing . Back in May while having my morning coffee , with Baby V . on my lap , I kept having this dread in my belly about going back to Saudi . It didn 't go away over time , in fact it got worse as time went on . One day ( I believe it was in July ) after reading three separate news stories on bombings in Saudi ( not Hofuf , where I lived ) I just felt like I had reached a point of no return . I was mad , and yes , fear was setting in . My gracious husband and I had a talk that night and he basically told me that I needed to decide if I was going to get on the plane in August ( already booked flight ) or not . I chose to skip the flight and not return . To him , it was a simple decision , and to me it was torture , I knew that going back wouldn 't be good for me , and I knew that not going back , meant being under my moms roof ( I 'm very thankful she has allowed me to stay with her ) and being separated from my husband for an unsure amount of time . Also , he was missing our baby as she was growing up fast . After making the not so light decision to stay in the States for the rest of the summer , I literally felt so much lighter . I don 't have the dread anymore ! I can enjoy the summer . I wont get into all the details of good and bad about the life that I had in Saudi . Ill need to update my about post I think , but the wifeabroad name will remain the same as my husband and I and our little baby V . still plan to travel as much as possible . There are so many unknowns down the road for us . I 'm nervous , and excited about it . The great Shawarma from Maze restaurant in Hofuf . The best in the entire city . If you haven 't gone there , go . Its not family , but if you are a lady , you can pick up . Having a baby , healthy and safe . Pick your hospital wisely , in my opinion there are some sketchy ones there too . I personally went to Al Moosa . State of the art place , with helpful staff . If I ever have another baby , I think a part of me will miss the visits to Dr . Zaynab . A part of me hopes she will read this one day . I loved her smile . We had an SUV that treated us good for a bit , but then when it finally died , we rented . I will never forget the car rentals that were always white , and sometimes beat up . There was one that had brown stains over the entire interior as if a soda had exploded . But they gave us reliable transportation to and from the grocery . Always loved the get - to - gethers that we would have with friends . It helped get through all the rough days in Saudi . It made many insane days , saner ( LM , you are a gem ! Thank you for your friendship . I hope to see you again someday ) I miss my friends overseas . I will to keep in touch as much as possible , and hope to hear from them as well over the years . Some have already left Saudi , and have moved on to different places , while some are still there , working and raising their families . I think about them daily . I do love how social media allows us to see some bits of peoples lives . Facebook and Instagram is great for this sort of thing . As you know , ( if you have been following the blog ) I am living in Saudi Arabia with my husband . My home country is the U . S . I came over here shortly after we got married . Since September of 2014 I have been here . The thing is , I am now finding myself to be one of those women . I don 't like living here . I have tried to adjust to life here the best I know , and it doesn 't seem to be enough to keep going . I am fleeing the desert heat to go back to my home country for the summer . At the moment I am going to come back to Saudi after some time away , but I have also had to admit , that I really don 't want to do even that . Part of me really wishes that I could write my Farewell Saudi post . Its tough , and I still am unsure of the future here in Saudi . Just wanted to share this little bit of information . Perhaps there will be a recharging that will take place while I am gone , Perhaps there will be a new frame of mind . Perhaps there will be a new perspective of life here that will make it possible to return with a fresh look at the place . I can 't know at the moment … . I had a baby in Saudi The date was Jan 27th , 2016 . I had gone to bed a bit early and woke up about 11pm with pain in my belly . I laid there for about 30 minutes thinking to myself that it wouldn 't be long before I would be giving birth to my daughter . I was excited since I was already 40 weeks and one day . I was ready to hold her in my arms . I was feeling a little bit scared because I knew nothing of what was going to happen . First baby nervous . Does it get better or easier after the first one ? I got up and decided to keep busy for as long as I could . I wrote down the times when I felt each contraction start up . I was hitting the refresh button on Facebook and hand quilting my rooster quilt to keep myself occupied . I wondered to myself when I was going to get sleep next . I had no idea how long the labor would last . I finally woke my husband up around three am I think . I told him that I didn 't think he would be going to work that day . I enjoyed his excitement over my condition at the time . He was calm and collected . I told him that I didn 't want to be that person who would show up at the hospital only to be sent home because it wasn 't time yet . I think we waited till about 4 : 30am before we left the house . We decided to get some McDonald 's Egg Mcmuffin sandwiches ( they aren 't open at that hour ) before and even go walk around at the grocery store since we figured that it would be the only place open . They actually had the doors locked at Tamimis when we arrived . They are open 24 hours , but were putting stock out and cleaning floors so they had the doors locked . We went and sat in the car for a bit and then my husband went to approach an employee who had come out to smoke . He straight up told the guy that I was in labor and we just wanted to walk around inside . So the guy lets us in the roam the aisles of the grocery store ( and use the toilet ) while I had contractions every 4 - 7 minutes . That will always be a good memory . Arriving at the hospital for the birth of a baby involves getting checked in at the emergency room first . Strange to me , but whatever . Then they take you up to the birthing floor to be checked out . Turns out I was only dilated maybe one or two centimeters . After being monitored for contractions and fetal heartbeat for an hour , they told us to go home . It was too early . They told us to come back if the pain got worse , or there was blood , or water . Specific , yet vague instructions for a return trip . Turns out , I was that girl who arrived too early and got sent home . McDonald 's was open at this time , so I finally got my breakfast sandwiches on the way home . I don 't really remember much of that Thursday . Only that the contractions remained around 3 to 7 minutes apart all day and just kept getting stronger . I was able to get in a much needed nap after being up all night . We just chilled at home , and around eleven PM , we headed back to the hospital . The pain had definitely increased and I didn 't know what level to expect for hard labor . This time I was wheeled up to the birthing floor in a wheel chair as part of protocol . Again I was checked out and monitored to see how things were progressing . And again I was told to go back home . I felt rather frustrated at this point because the pain seemed more intense , yet I hadn 't even dilated much at all . Again they gave me instructions regarding my return to the hospital . If there was water , blood or the pain was worse . I think I asked how much worse the pain should be and they said intolerable . Another reason for sending us home was that the insurance was only going to pay for a certain amount of time outside of the delivery , so me staying there early on would have been money out of pocket . I was crying out in pain on the way home this time . There was no sleeping for me this time once I got home . My husband was able to get some rest , but my contractions couldn 't be slept though . I think I woke my husband up around 3 : 30 am Friday morning . I was crying from the pain at this point , and there had been fresh colored blood along with the mucus plug . This gave me hope that I had in fact dilated more during the night . So off to the hospital once again ! I remember very little cars being on the road this go around . My husband was speeding and even ran a red light because there was no one else on the road . He had said we were staying this time even if they suggested we go home . He even thought maybe if we didn 't hurry we would have to name our daughter Elantra , after the car she would be born in . The wheelchair ride to the birthing floor was a little bit funny . I would have laughed had I not been crying in pain . The nurse pushing me kept saying " no no no , not yet . " I had to tell her I wasn 't having the baby , just a contraction . I get up to the room and get checked out only to discover I 'm only four centimeters dilated . I was so unbelievably frustrated and concerned because I was really reaching a pain level that was too much . But this time they admitted me . They hooked me up once again to the monitors and would come back in the room periodically to check on things . I couldn 't get over the pain level . I should mention at this point that I had no desire to get an epidural . I didn 't want any pain medications really . I was thinking I would get the gas to breath between contractions and a last resort I would probably be willing to get the pethedine to ease the pain . I had my fears that I wouldn 't be able to do this on my own and that I would have to get a C - Section because of drugs that I was given . I wanted to avoid all of that . I was relieved to be in labor at this time , because they wanted to induce me the following week if I hadn 't had the baby , and that wasn 't something I wanted either . Back to the delivery room : They had put me on oxygen at this point . And I 'm not sure what time they did it , but they gave me a shot of pethedine at one point . Its supposed to ease the pain , but you will still feel everything . I am still of the opinion that it didn 't do sh * * for me . I remember thinking " okay , twenty minutes and I 'll start feeling better . " It didn 't do anything ! Little did I know that my husband had noticed that the contractions were registering around twenty on the monitor before the shot , and after the shot , they had gone up to eighty and ninety . After some time the Dr . came in and asked me about getting an epidural . I at this point was glad she mentioned it and was all about hearing what she had to say regarding the procedure . My husband however was like , hey no one has checked on her in a couple hours . I think she needs to be checked on . He knew I didn 't want the epidural of course and he stepped in to be my voice of reason in a time when I was out of my head . The Dr . then checks me out and tells me that I am going to start pushing and will have a baby in twenty minutes . I was thinking really ? I don 't have the desire to push . I don 't know how to push . And I sure as heck was scared of the pain level that I hadn 't had yet . But pushing time was on , so … The Dr goes to get changed and comes back and tells me to push every time I have a contraction . I 'm telling you , I had no idea what I was doing . She would give me instructions , and I would tearfully tell her I was trying . Putting a catheter in she tells me that " that takes care of that problem . " ( I had peed a little during a push . It had bothered me to not get a warning at least . If you have never had a catheter put in , they don 't feel good . She wasn 't about to be all kind about things either , she was very to the point and businesslike at this point . Like a drill sergeant , telling me , to stop crying and push ! Or stop yelling and push ! And put your hands on those bars and push ! I didn 't even know if I was pushing right . I just wanted to baby to be out at this point . I wasn 't about to keep quiet when I started to feel her giving me an episiotomy . I had mentally prepared myself for it to happen at some point ( was told months before that it was procedure for first time births ) . Is mentally preparing oneself even possible to do when it comes to your genital area ? I think not . I think I had maybe three more pushes after that . At one point I had a cheering section of the Dr , my husband and the five or six nurses all yelling push ! Push ! At the same time . Finally with a great sense of relief , our little daughter came into the world at about 7 : 20am on Friday , January 29th . I am grateful for the fairly short labor . Wednesday night , to Friday morning really isn 't too bad in my opinion . But I was also very exhausted at that point too . I didn 't even have any fight in me to protest the nurses taking the baby to the nursery right away , when in fact she should have been on me . Thankfully after getting stitched up , they brought her back into the room . I had planned to breastfeed exclusively and felt that the sooner she was on me the better . Two hours after having the baby , I was able to be moved to the recovery room . The nurse wanted me to put on my abaya . I thought , and said out loud … " I just had a baby , I 'm not putting on an abaya ! " So she grabbed the blanket off the bed and covered me up with it . The recovery rooms were nice . A nice bed for me and a pull out chair bed for my husband to use . The food wasn 't terrible either . The constant flow of nurses or cleaning ladies was a bit too much though . The nurses from the nursery would also come in from time to time to take the baby " to check her vitals " . I would get annoyed if she was gone too long . I had informed them not to feed her , but they kept asking me if they could , even arguing with me at one point because they said she would get hungry if she didn 't have enough from me . " that 's why her and I need to work together at this " I had said in response . The learning part wasn 't immediate , but I was one determined mamma ! Turns out that during those vitals checks at one point , she was being vaccinated . Good thing I wasn 't one of those anti vaxers because they never informed me or asked about vaccinations for my baby until we were getting discharged the following day , after they had already given her shots . I still get a little annoyed by it though . I was one very happy lady when I got discharged the day after giving birth ! I so wanted to just get home and start working on getting our own routines as a family . Three weeks later , we are still working on that . Every day seems to be something new and I 'm okay with it . My story is a bit long here , but I do need to add one more thing before I close . You know how I mentioned the catheter the Dr . put in ? Well the first night at home , about 3am , I woke my husband up again to inform him this time that I probably needed to go back to the hospital because I had a UTI ! Of all things , A UTI on top of just giving birth wasn 't my idea of a good time . But I knew my body well enough to know what was happening and I blamed the Catheter being the reason for this . I didn 't want to get put on antibiotics with a brand new baby though , so after some talking and looking on the Internets , I decided to try to eliminate the UTI naturally with cranberry juice , lemon juice , baking soda , eating certain foods , whatever would work and not cause the baby to get anything unwanted through the breast milk . My efforts were not successful however . After five days I woke up feeling lower back pain and really had had enough . Back to the hospital we went . A nurse asked us if we had someone at home to take care of the baby cause the air in the ER wasn 't good for a newborn . I might have snapped a little bit in response to that . It 's not like I had wanted to be there ! I wanted drugs to clear up the infection and to be sent home ! My white blood cell count turned out to be over 100 ( I guess its supposed to be under 10 ) so they said I had to be admitted . Tearfully I asked if my baby could stay with me and they said yes , so I agreed to stay . Ended up staying in the hospital the whole weekend ! I needed antibiotics and fluids to get me hydrated . They had to hook my IV up to a machine to push it through , since my little vein kept closing up . At least I didn 't have an issue with my blood clotting . But I had to push a button every time I needed to pee so that I could be unhooked , and then when they hooked me back up , they usually had to flush the vein to open in back up . You might think that I would have been able to get rest at least . Not the case , as the flow of nurses and cleaning crews were again a constant duriI am once again grateful for the continued healing and hope to be back to myself soon . I still have some pain that I hope will diminish in the next couple weeks . We are still learning every day here , and enjoying the process even if it involves tears on my end at times , because I am just exhausted or I 'm hurting or just don 't know what to do to make my baby stop crying . We are thankful and totally in love with our little girl . Being Pregnant I can hardly believe the year is almost up . Its amazing what has changed in just a matter of months . My husband and I celebrated a year of marriage , and took three vacations that required flying , along with a closer to home vacation a few hours away . I have made the one year in Saudi milestone . We have had some trying moments along the way too . I have wanted a number of times , to just leave this place , and my husband didn 't always know what to do in those situations . He was close to putting me on a plane a few times with a one way ticket . But we made it through all that and add a growing baby ( not yet born ) to the mix , and its been pretty eventful ! I 'm almost done brewing the little one . She is due to arrive late January . She takes up more and more space everyday as well . Not just in the womb , but also outside too , as we are now in the process of adding little baby clothes in pretty feminine patterns , and tiny stuffed animals that are just adorable are being added to our lives . Being pregnant has been such a strange and cool experience . I think some days as of late , I want to be done . But I also , wonder if I will then miss it once its over . My husband has been such a support through it all . Taking me to appointments , going out to get me ice cream , or cheeseburgers when it 's actually his bed time . Two nights ago , he didn 't even complain or argue about his need for sleep on a work night as I lay in bed wide awake , instead he and I talked about stuff and held hands while the little one bounced around inside of me . This was NEVER going to go in our home , but we had a good laugh over it . We didn 't necessarily laugh over the talks where my husband just wants to use a cardboard box for the baby on top of a deep freezer . We don 't even own a deep freezer , but he sees this as an opportunity to get one . That to me is trashy and ridiculous , and our baby doesn 't need to sleep in a box ! I can 't help myself , when I want to get a normal crib that I will not have to deal with issues like , rolling , falling or starting to pull oneself up . Clothing . ah such cute little clothes ! Everything for a baby seems to be so darn expensive . But I have done quite a bit of looking , and have found some cheaper options here in the city we live in . They might not be the best quality , but if they are just being worn for a couple months before being grown out of , it 'll do . As for me , I 'm wearing a few items of clothing out myself . I have been enjoying a life of maxi skirts , leggings , and tank tops . Going out in leggings is not something I would ever do back home in the States . I find modesty to be quite lacking while wearing leggings outside of the house , unless said wearer is also wearing a long enough top or dress over them . So , the fact that I have to wear an abaya when I go out , solves that one right there . The general public has no clue what in underneath my black dress . I have also enjoyed my maternity clothes too . I don 't dress casual everyday . I have a feeling that even after the baby arrives , the maternity jeans will still be worn for a bit . But speaking of clothes for the baby … Look at the incredible baby shower in a box that my mother in law sent over ! So incredibly blessed to have this as a starting point for dressing our little girl . I love the colors that were picked out . And the little animal feet on the pants in the middle of the picture made my husband use the word " adorbs " . Love it ! I 've had such a great appetite ( second trimester , on … ) and have put on some pounds . Some days it has made me feel quite self conscious , but I have tried not to let it get to me too much . I have had an unusual love for sweets , desserts , and candy . When my candy stash is getting low , I am looking for more . Okay , every trip to the grocery store I find something that needs to be had . Last night it was Reese 's Peanut Butter Cups . Those large old fashioned lolly pops are good too . Jelly Belly 's , Runts , oh , and cake . I love cake . The down side to some of this incredible appetite has been some incredible heartburn . Holy cow ! I brought a thing of Tums with me from the States while I was there in the summer . I think there are two left and I have two months of pregnancy left . I had to stop relying on them since I knew I couldn 't get more here . But the Dr has given me some other prescription to take , so that has helped tremendously . I 'm still dealing with the anxiety of having a baby far from my home country . Its been okay so far . I 've cried a few times , thinking I might be slightly insane to do this . There are still things I don 't understand about how things are done here , but the way it looks , I should be okay . I mean , women have babies all the time here . This is a baby making place ! I think I will switch my Dr this next week , as I haven 't seen my original Dr in over a month due to vacation time when I go in , and the one I have been seeing has felt a bit more comfortable , as she explains things to me in more detail . I like details . I like information . Not just " everything will be fine " . I don 't imagine doing this without some pain management . It looks like laughing gas is the preferred method here . When I asked my first Dr about drug options for birth , she mentioned that she had given two epidurals . So , yeah , no one who has done this twice , goes anywhere near my spine ! Perhaps the topic will be covered again once I am closer to my due date . Between now and then , I guess a little more internet research will be done . I hate internet research on some topics , because the exposure to the terrible side of things is right there with the good and its a balance act as far as what a person can then trust . My husband would tell me to not to look up information on the subject matter , but he is not the one who is going to push our little girl out of his _______ . My husband and I went to Bahrain for the weekend . When we got there it was a bit chilly to me , so I didn 't take off my abaya right away . Was sort of wearing it like a jacket . It was actually raining and in the 80 's ( F ) , but that made it feel a bit colder . We went to the liquor store to get some beers , and as we were walking up to the door we both were commenting on the fact that I still had the abaya on . As soon as we got inside I was confronted by security . Abayas are not allowed . We had a good laugh over that as I got kicked out for wearing it . The weekend was very chill and nothing over the top , as we stayed at a friend 's house and ate good food , and just relaxed . Here are some photos of pottery that I think are just lovely . And a random photo of fabric with circles , because I 'm a bit obsessed with circles . Sunday , was back to work for my husband . I woke up and realized that I had caught a cold over the weekend . The second hottest country in the world , and I had a cold . Yes , I am aware that it has nothing to do with weather , but I just wanted to throw that out there . On Monday , the temps got up to 104 ( F ) . On Tuesday a friend of mine invited me to go to the beach , so despite my runny nose and fatigue , I joined her . It was nice to get out for the day and enjoy a change of scenery . It is important for me to point out that this was my first time since moving here to do something without my husband for a day . In the States it would be taken for granted . My ability to just go and do something without him could happen at any time back at home . Here , not so easy or often does that happen . We got to enjoy the afternoon sitting in the sun , eating sandwiches and chips , or " crisps " as my friend calls them . That evening we met up with my husband at the market . Him and I had a few things we needed for dinner the next night as we were going to have guests over for dinner . He mentioned that a roast sounded good . After a brief conversation about my ability to cook a roast , it was settled . At the meat counter I spotted the cut that looked good and told him what I wanted . My husband started laughing and explaining quite loudly in the store … " yeah , baby … way to be decisive ! " Turns out , the cut of meat was quite pricey . 269 Saudi Riyals ! Divide that by 3 . 75 and you get the US dollar amount . It was only the next day that I realized I had a bit of pressure on me to make that turn out well . I was a bit nervous that I might ruin it . I stuck the meat full of garlic cloves . I also mixed together a dry rub with a healthy amount of cyan pepper , salt , pepper , dry peppers , garlic powder , and cinnamon , and then I hoped for the best as it cooked for three hours in the oven . Backing up just a little bit … I had done a bit of cleaning before the guests had arrived . This included washing the floors . I don 't wash the floors that often , since the dust is never ending here . Our guests had actually laughed because a sand storm was headed our way . They had told us that the following day it was due to hit . I heard a strange noise outside that evening ( I don 't know how to describe it ) , and by the time the guests were about to leave , I looked outside the kitchen window to see nothing . All the lights and buildings in the distance were no longer visible . The Storm had already arrived , and it was by far the worst one I had ever seen in my life . The howling winds lasted all night and by morning , the inside of our apartment was covered in a layer of sand and dust . Everything was covered . All the cleaning I had done the day before had been laughed at by Mother Nature , and desert winds . I felt inspired to create this illustration for a little bit of cheer and positive thinking … Also , I can 't really describe the smell that permeated my nose . Even with the cold and stuffed up head , all I could smell was sand . It was a burning smell to me . And to be honest I don 't enjoy that at all . I also felt like the elements had won the next morning , as I sat down for coffee and decided that I really wasn 't going to clean at all that day . Luckily my husband came home early from work and tackled the majority of the filth on his own . I just didn 't have the energy . Yesterday the sky was blue again and the weather , lovely . We got out of the house for a bit and wandered around the mall . I have always been a bit surprised by some of the shoes here . I think I will take more photos as I find them , but here a few to show you . I guess it surprises me that the impractical and gaudy shoes are so readily available in the land o ' sand . These are just a tiny portion of some of the crazy ones that I see . I 'm very thankful that my frugal husband goes to certain gas stations when the car needs a fill up . He usually brings home 3 - 4 boxes of free tissue with each fill up . That my friends … comes in handy when you have a cold ! It 's about that time again when I give you all an update on my life here in Saudi … We had a pretty good weekend , actually , I will say it was great ! There is something incredibly calming about being able to just relax and see a new place , and hang out with friends . It overrides the negative crap in my head for a while . Something that is both needed and very much cherished here in the desert . At least for me … Thursday evening , we met up with friends at the grocery store to get food for the next day 's BBQ we had planned . We got our supplies and then headed to my favorite place for Shawarma 's . We then went to a nearby park to eat , since the restaurant has no family section . The weather has been really great so , the park was very full of families with their children . Friday we got on the road about 8ish , and drove to this hidden gem along the beach . This place provided us with a sense of NORMAL life for the day . We shed our abayas , and the rules of Saudi , and just had a great day relaxing in the sun , feet in the sand , cold malt ( alcohol free ) beverage in our hands . And the men grilled meat for dinner , on little grills that were available for us to use . The kids and adults all had a good time . It was such a breath of fresh air . And I 'm sure that everyone got home that night very tired , but a good sort of tired . On Saturday we had another guest over for dinner . Our guest brought all the food and cooked it up in our kitchen . I didn 't have to do a thing ! And it was super delicious . Bok choy , steak and rice . I will have to see if he wants to cook for us again , he can . Then after dinner we headed to the Eco Park . Half the park is still blocked off to pedestrians for some reason , but once again it was teeming with people enjoying the weather . The first time I had been to the park , the water fountain was empty of water and looked to be under construction . I had a desire to see the fountain in action while here , and I got to see it that night . The water was flowing and after dusk , the fountain came to life . It used to be the world 's largest fountain at one time . The water shoots up 73 meters according to what I have found on the Internet about it . We were quite surprised to find that it was set to music . Public music here is Haram ( meaning it 's sinful or forbidden to some Muslims ) but I guess once again , the rules are meant to be broken ! Oh , … I almost forgot to mention that also , a surprise to me was seeing female workers at the park picking up trash ! This is a first for me to see . I 've only seen men doing this sort of work before . The women had their hair covered , but they were wearing pants . Not an abaya . Bring it on … ! I want to add twenty exclamation points . I was able to play around with my camera a bit and get a few good shots , then figure out the video . So here is some visual entertainment for you to go along with my story of the weekend . |
I didn 't do a post yesterday , but I certainly had an interesting day . I suppose overall , it was just business as usual . I was glad to be back in the routine , at home with the boys . Micah has reached a difficult stage . All he wants to do is endanger his life , and he 's good at it , so I have to spend a great deal of my time chasing him . I did so yesterday , and I did dishes , baked cookies and cooked a chicken dinner complete with mashed potatoes . And laundry . Not for dinner . I mean I did laundry . Like I said , business as usual . Except when I went out to feed the horses in the afternoon . Of course , I was back to forking hay first thing in the morning , after a somewhat extensive break since last Wednesday morning . After lunch , once Micah was down for his nap , I ventured out in all my layers and Mike 's clompy boots to feed them their pellets and oats . Never a fun job , due to having to separate them so they each get the correct amount . Yesterday , that was not the fun part . I went to the shed first to scoop the feed into each of their pails . I grabbed the ice cream pail and dipped it into the large bag of oats . Uh oh . Something moved in there . I have been half - expecting this day to come , but then I second guessed myself because we have had pellets and / or oats in the shed since we got horses and this has never happened before . I tentatively peeked into the bag . It is not terribly light in the shed , but it was certainly bright enough in there for me to positively identify the mouse that was running in frantic circles inside of the oats . The bag is tall , probably three feet , and the bag is about two thirds full right now . Clearly , I needed to catch the mouse and get it out of there . I dipped the pail in again and tried to scoop up the mouse . I missed . It panicked . I tried again . Missed again . More panic . Then the darn thing started to burrow under the oats . Soon it was completely out of sight . I had to stick my hand in and try to sift it out . If anyone is shrieking in horror right now , no need . I was wearing winter gloves or I would never have dared such a stunt . Don 't get me wrong . I am not afraid of mice , but I have no desire to be bitten by one either . It took two handfuls of oats , but I sifted the little guy back into view and plunged my pail back in once again . Then he did something I didn 't expect . He jumped . High . Like ten inches . I screamed . Nervously , I stuck my pail back in again and caught him . He jumped at me from the bottom of the pail . I screamed again . Then , he was perched on the very rim of the pail . He was in a quandary . He eyeToday I was a little on the jumpy side too . Radar was barking and being annoying outside so I went to the door by the pantry in the kitchen and threw it open . I called him as warm air was sucked out of the house at an alarming rate and cold air rushed in mercilessly . Radar made his appearance after a clumsy moment on the stairs and charged in the kitchen . I told him to stay by the door and promptly slammed it , preserving what warmth was left in the house . I turned toward the pantry to exit the area and saw movement . I jumped and screamed . It was a little boy . Jamie , to be more specific , and he was naked from the waist down . He was holding a small pylon which he had filled with the last of our pancake syrup and I can only guess that he was about to drink it . And here I thought he was getting less eccentric . I don 't know what gave me that idea . And now I am listening to Micah wail in his bed , as he does every night . He piles on the guilt . I wish I were less susceptible to it , but alas , he knows my weakness . Or maybe I should say one of my weaknesses . He is good at it . I feel bad for him every single night . But he has to go to bed and he does eventually have to go to sleep too . I 've never had a kid who protested so loudly and for so long every single night at bedtime . You 'd think he 'd be used to the routine by now , but I suppose not . I am going out tonight soon for my moms ' group . I don 't look forward to braving the elements , as I already have a chill from my horsey moments today , but hopefully we 'll have a nice time together . Oh , I should also mention we got our piano tuned again yesterday , just in time for Christmas . I am quite happy about that , though I cannot play when the boys are awake as everyone else bangs on the keys and makes it impossible , and I can 't play when they are in bed , for obvious reasons . . . so it is difficult to get the enjoyment out of it that I 'd like . However , I fully intend to play Christmas carols as much as possible for the next month or so . My wrist still hurts , so it will be more challengOne last thing . This afternoon I completed and submitted my second - last homework assignment for my course , which I started two years ago . I have only one assignment left and then I 'm homework - free , unless I decide to take the Journeyman level immediately . I have not decided yet what to do . So . On that note , I better close this entry and get ready to go . Shiver . I 'm off for now . I went . I braved the roads , and hit the highways in ridiculous travel conditions for a gruelling three hour drive on Wednesday . I don 't know what came over me , or why I thought it would be okay to go . I was nervous , even scared , but for some reason I felt like I didn 't have a good enough reason not to go . The drive there was stressful , with a few scary moments thrown in for good measure . Jamie slept for a good portion of the drive , thankfully , as did Micah , so it was quiet in the van . Cody was good the whole time , which was a relief to me , as I was very tense driving in the poor visibility . Snow was swirling like ghostly snakes all over the highway , and making horizontal tornadoes behind every semi . Being passed brought on white - outs leaving me straining to see the tiny bits of white lines that were still visible on the road ; the only things guiding me to stay in my lane and out of the ditch . Fortunately , there were only a few moments of complete white - outs , but the radio reports I was hearing half way there were more than enough to make me question my sanity and upset me significantly . Either way , I made it . I left in the morning in order to beat at least a portion of the storm , which I kind of did . The last half hour of my drive was clear , and wouldn 't have been had I waited any longer to leave . As a result , Cody missed his preschool , which was a disappointment to me . I also did the bulk of my packing and preparing that very morning , which added to the stress . When we arrived , the house was locked and my parents weren 't home . Oh dear . My boys were all on the front steps and were not wearing their winter coats as it was too warm in the van , so I had to put them all back in the van and lock it while I ran to find the spare key . I found it , though I had to dig in the snow to do it . We got in the house and I unloaded the van and then got everyone lunch . Breakfast for me . I had not had time to eat . By then it was 1 p . m . The rest of that day was okay , except that my dad said he was not sure we 'd make the appointment the next day due to the terrible driving conditions in the city . I was stressed about this too , as I knew we were not going to be able to make it home the next day . I couldn 't imagine having driven with my precious cargo through that horrible storm for three hours only to get stranded in the city and miss the appointment anyway . We made the appointment . It took an hour to get there , which is double what it should have , but driving conditions were bad and the traffic was very slow - moving . The appointment was quick and positive . I had my usual misgivings about the staff there , but we made it through with no disastrous encounters , and without too severe a blow to my self - esteem . Cody got a decent report . His eyes have not changed , but he is still borderline for needing surgery , so we have to watch closely . If things get any worse , he will need surgery , but then again , things have not gotten worse in a long , long time , so he may be all right yet . Phew . So that was done . Micah was at an all time high for neediness , and he was my toughest kid this trip . He was into everything and my parents ' house is not very childproof , so I barely had a moment to sit down . I was overtired from a poor sleep the first night there , and the afternoon after Cody 's appointment I got hit with a migraine . That was unpleasant , as migraines always are , but also discouraging . I was dealing with enough other issues as it was . Then that night , last night , we did indeed stay over again due to the continuing dangerous travel conditions . I shared a room with Micah . He had a crib , I had the spare bed . The first night he tossed a lot , which may have been the reason for my very light sleep . Last night was much worse . I went to bed at 9 : 30 p . m . and fell asleep some time just after 10 p . m . At 3 a . m . Micah started to fuss . He had done the same thing the previous night , and every time he did I would just whisper , " Sshhh ! Mommy 's here , " and he would settle right back down . ( Another reason for my light sleep . ) So I tried again last night . I was not as successful . In fact , for some reason , Micah would not settle . It isn 't that he cried non - stop . He didn 't . But he wouldn 't go back to sleep either . He would toss , and then let out a cry again , and I 'd have to shh him again . Time started to drag on , and I was getting discouraged . I knew I was going to have to drive three little boys home for three long hours the next day and I did not want to be up the rest of the night . By 4 : 30 a . m . we were still battling this out and I finally turned on the light and changed his diaper . He was very wet . I hoped he would settle after that . He didn 't . He was very upset when I turned the light off again . When he calmed down , he started talking and making clucking sounds with his tongue . Great . Now he wanted to play . Did I mention my parents ' house is entirely hardwood flooring in the bedroom area ? There is no soundproofness at all . So I knew they were hearing every little sound he made . I had to go to the bathroom . I knew I couldn 't or he wouAnyway , when I came back in my room I picked him up again and he wrapped around me like a little monkey , laying his head on my shoulder . I lay on the bed and let him rest on me for a few minutes , but I knew I couldn 't sleep like that even though he was obviously going to . I moved him beside me and he slept there until 8 : 45 a . m . I slept too , though I don 't know how deeply . Single mothers , how do you manage ? I know it is different in your own home . Had I been at my place , things would have been different . But that 's reality . Sometimes you have to travel , and with my kids , I find things can get pretty rough . I am glad to report that nobody needed to use the bathroom at any time during our actual travel time , and that was a huge blessing . That would have complicated things significantly . That 's about all I will report for now . I could say more , but I don 't think I will . Hopefully we 'll be back to normal life next week . The boys are in bed now , and for once , only Micah is quiet . Jamie is wild because he slept too much in the van . He will keep Cody up as a result . I don 't care . I do , but this is better than a stressful trip . I am hoping for some kind of therapy this evening . A feel - good movie . Maybe even just an early bed time with actual deep sleep . Regardless , I am glad to be home safe once again . I 'm off for now . So I 'm supposed to be taking the boys to the big city tomorrow and staying overnight for Cody 's specialist appointment . I was already a bit stressed over this trip because I will have to travel for three hours with three little boys and no other adults . Add to that my busy morning with Cody 's preschool , and trying to decide whether to take him out early or not in order to leave here by 1 p . m . Now there is a snowfall warning in effect for all of the southern part of the province , particularly along the TransCanada highway , which would be 100 % of my route . So . Now I am faced with two decisions . One : Do I go anyway , or do I stay home ? Two : If I go , do I leave first thing in the morning and skip preschool , or stick with my original plan ? The thing is , in some major form of denial today , I did no packing of any sort to prepare for this trip . I did do all the boys ' laundry , so I have plenty to choose from , although I did neglect my own laundry . Oops . So if there is any chance of me going at all , it is going to require me staying up late tonight to pack , or getting up at an ungodly hour to get ready . I don 't even have a list for what to pack , which I normally would . Everything in me at this point wants to stay home . I hate winter highway driving . This particular stretch tends to be bad . I am apprehensive to say the least . I 'm off to watch a bit of TV . More denial . It has always worked well for me . I 'll keep you posted on whether we go or not . Goodnight . We are nearing the worst time of day here , and the house is literally vibrating with activity . Cody and Jamie have literally been running from one end of the house to the other for at least half an hour now . The floor is shaking . I am shaking . My nerves are oddly relaxed . In fact , their activity may be the only thing keeping me awake . I am glad they are running , as a good portion of the day today was spent vegging out a bit . My bad . I barely got any sleep last night . Well , maybe that 's not true . What I do know is something happened around 3 a . m . that involved Jamie coming in our room and requesting that his nose be wiped . Then I had to go tuck him into his bed again . I 'm pretty sure that was the incident at 3 a . m . Maybe that was the earlier incident . Either way , when my supposed sleep was interrupted at 3 a . m . I remember thinking that I had not even fallen asleep yet . I was stressed . The second time Jamie came in I begged Mike to deal with it , as I was very close to sleep . Then I had bizarre dreams all night . I barely remember them now , though I did this morning . All very strange . And so , I have made it mostly through my Monday , but I did not accomplish anything . I did not wash a single dish yet , nor have I even made my bed . I have fed the boys two meals , and I now have supper in the oven , so I guess I have accomplished that much . I also fed the horses their morning meal and their afternoon pellets and oats . That is not a fun job right now , with the frigid weather . I just got an email from Mike saying he would be late getting home , so I am glad I did not make the chicken I was going to make . I 'm too tired to make gravy and mash potatoes tonight . This is a big week for us . Cody has his specialist appointment in the big city and we have to leave nearly right after preschool on Wednesday . I 'm not looking forward to it . I will be traveling alone with three kids ages four and under in sub - zero temperatures for a good three hours . My main worry is that someone will need to use the bathroom . Oh boy . I can 't leave anyone in the van , so they 'd all have to come in . And while I help Jamie use the toilet , or even Cody , who is going to make sure Micah doesn 't touch something disgusting in a public bathroom ? Gross . Am I stressed about this ? Yes . I am , a little . It 's not my ideal . I especially don 't like doing this in winter . Around here , winter is treacherous , and you never know what the highways will be like . One adult to three very young boys is not a good ratio , and I just hope we 'll make it there with no stops , and all the way back home too . So , I probably won 't be posting often in here this week . Tomorrow I will be home all day as far as I know , but I will probably be preparing for my trip . It will be one of those times that gives me an appreciation for single mothers and how difficult things must be for them . Fathers too . I 'm going to sign off now . Micah is attempting to make a phone call and Jamie is driving my laundry basket full of clean clothes and clumps of bunny hair , which he deposited there earlier when he brought Oreo out of his cage and distributed black and white fur all over the living room and the kitchen . I was not in the house to rescue my half - blind rabbit . I saw him dangling from Jamie 's arms through the kitchen window when I was outside feeding the horses . Sigh . 8 : 40 a . m . : I am alone in a quiet living room . Cody and Jamie are playing happily in their room . Micah is sleeping in his , or at least , I don 't hear any sounds from him . Outside the snow is falling rapidly ; some straight down , and some cutting across diagonally in different directions . I came in about 15 minutes ago from my first taste of a true wintertime feeding of the horses . We are currently under a snowfall warning , but this time it looks like the report will be accurate . I 'm glad I don 't have to go anywhere today , but Mike does . Two separate highway excursions ; one about 40 minutes west of here , and one about 40 minutes east of here . I hope the roads don 't get too bad , but the winds are supposed to be gusting up to 50 km / hr today . Gross . I have to say though , from inside a cozy house , it is quite pretty to watch . All we 're missing is a Christmas tree and some Christmas music . . . and maybe some warm baking . I will possibly attempt to bake buns today . In fact , that is what I should be prepping right now . 11 : 32 a . m : A full - fledged snowstorm is pummelling us now and the yard is hazy from all the white . The flakes are smaller than before , with more of a look of falling powder . The wind has picked up , and the highway reports are already showing poor visibility all over the southwestern part of the province . I wonder whether Mike will be making his afternoon trip to the dentist or not . I kind of hope he 'll come home for the afternoon and decide not to go after all . Micah is standing beside me having a massive tantrum because I am not holding him . I am sure it sounds mean , but I have been cuddling with him lots today and I just need a few minutes to myself . The nerves can only take so much of being screamed at per day . He is not technically screaming , but it is a very loud and angry cry . Sheesh . I can 't help but feel sorry for him . As for my buns , I took the plunge , but I miscalculated . My dough is rising in the kitchen and is nearly ready to shape into buns . The problem ? After that it has to rise another hour and a half before I bake them . I was planning to make a chicken for supper , which would need to go in the oven at 1 p . m . That is when I will need to be baking my buns . Hm . I 'm not much of an expert in bun - making , so I don 't know whether it 's okay to just let the buns sit on the pans all afternoon while the chicken cooks , or not . Hm . Maybe I can sneak them in the oven before the chicken . I don 't know . Guess I have to sign off again for the moment to put out the fire in my baby 's fragile psyche . 1 : 51 p . m : The dishwasher is running in the kitchen . It 's a sound I have grown to love . I find it comforting . Our dishwasher is on the loud side , but what I am hearing is mainly water sloshing around , reminding me that yes , I have accomplished something today . It is the second load I have run , so at the very least I have done two loads of dishes . ( Those weren 't just sitting in a pile waiting to be done , either . They were dishes used today . ) But that is not all I have done . I just folded a basket of laundry and tidied up the living room , plus I now have my first pan of buns in the oven . Let 's hope they turn out well . I have also fed the masses two meals so far , and one for the horses too . I shouldn 't be sitting because there is still much cleaning to be done , but I am taking a break while it is quiet in here once again . The boys are playing nicely downstairs and Micah is napping peacefully in his room . An unusual bonus for me is the fact that Mike is on his way home . He has a dentist appointment this afternoon , but is coming home first . On the other hand , upon looking at the clock I don 't think he 'll be home more than twenty minutes before he has to head out again . Dang . I thought I might have him here for an hour or so . Hm . Now I 'm feeling a little bit sad . I think I might have heard him pull up just now . I 'm going to sign off . Hopefully the rest of the day will be uneventful . I intend to make a lasagna for supper , as I missed the timing for the chicken . I 'm off . And here 's Mike ! Hm . So it seems I skipped a whole week in here . I don 't even really remember what I did last week . I know Mike had Thursday off because it was Remembrance Day . I had intended to get a chunk of homework done that day , but Mike did his work instead , so I was stuck . But I 'm happy to say that even though my assignment is due today , I managed to get it done and submitted by Saturday afternoon . Phew . I only have two assignments left ; one more month of work . Then I have to decide whether to accept their invitation into the next level , or whether to dive in and work on my book . Hm . One significant thing that happened last week is the snow finally hit . I am not thrilled about it , but mainly because I dread the driving . Other than that , the blanket of white made it quite pretty here , and yesterday we had thick , white hoarfrost covering all our trees and it looks beautiful . . . kind of like Narnia . Today I had two of my nieces here all morning and part of the afternoon . The boys had fun . Cody , in particular . Jamie pretty much stuck to himself , in typical Jamie fashion . Now I am finally sitting down and having a hard time staying awake . As far as noteworthy moments for the blog , two come to mind . Micah raided the pantry again a few days ago and found a large box of spaghetti noodles . He pulled the box down and dumped the whole thing on the floor . It was basically brand new . We don 't eat a lot of spaghetti , so it 's safe to say that box probably could have lasted us a whole year . Being that the area he dumped it in is where Radar sleeps at night , I had no inclination to salvage any of it . Micah bawled when it happened . I think he knew he had done something wrong and he felt guilty . I left it there for Mike to see when he got home . When he arrived , he came in the door by the pantry because he had groceries to bring in . He saw the mess and laughed . Micah happened to be standing right there . Mike said , " Did you do this ? " and Micah just looked at him and said , " Uh oh ! " It was pretty cute . Then , a couple of days ago when I got up in the morning , I discovered cat barf outside our bedroom door at the end of the hall . Cat barf is a part of life around here , as one of our cats is bulimic , though you can 't tell by looking at her . Anyway , she had left three piles of barf for us , which was lovely . The only difference between the three piles was that Jamie had taken a rolling pin to the one outside my bedroom . Seriously . I 'm sure the act was perfectly natural on his part . Jamie doesn 't think the way the rest of us do . Somewhere in his beautiful little mind , it made perfect sense to go to the kitchen and find a rolling pin so he could deal with Tabu 's mess . I think I 'll be throwing it in the garbage . I mean , technically I could wash it , but I noticed it has a crack in it and that makes it a perfect breeding ground for bacteria . I might have thrown it out already . I don 't remember . If not , that 's on my agenda soon ! Other than that , it 's life as usual around here . Breaking up fights . Being called names . Dealing with potty training and diapers and preschool and making meals and trying to keep this place clean . Yesterday I had an epiphany about my job here . What I do is similar to being a janitor at a garbage dump . It 's impossible . As you clean , people come along and mess up everything you just did , or make it worse than ever . And so , I forge on , doing my best to keep this place from looking like a dump and trying not to think about the futility of my actions when I clean . . . especially the floor . But , the job is not without its perks either . I get to cuddle my boys on a daily basis . I have an excuse to bake cookies whenever I feel like it . I can wear my pyjama bottoms all day if I want to . I can read a good book in my quiet moments , when they occur . I even get to nap once in a while . . . though not often ! I think the benefits outweigh the dark moments , even though sometimes I want to get in my vehicle , alone , and drive as far away from here as possible . And as I type that , I hear an adorable 15 - month - old voice chatting happily from his crib . Time to get him up from his nap . I 'm off for now . Today feels odd after the beautiful sunny days we have had all the last week . Fog has rolled in to the point where I actually saw some blowing like smoke across our yard . It is strange . Fog is not terribly unusual around here , but normally if we get fog , we wake up with it and it dissipates as the morning goes on . Today there was no fog when I got up , but it is getting thicker and thicker now . Not only that , but I had to put Jamie back to bed by about 9 : 00 a . m . and he stayed there . He is very grouchy and I 'm wondering what is going on . His nose is runny , but that is the only symptom I have seen as far as physical illness goes . It is about an hour and a half later , after many interruptions ! Jamie is up now , and still very grouchy . He got up at 10 : 30 a . m . and still refuses to use the toilet . As far as I know , he has not gone today . I had to force him to wear a diaper because he vehemently refused to pee on the toilet , even after I put him on there . This is the first time in several days that he has even had a diaper on , including overnight . It is frustrating , but he is in a mood , and when Jamie decides something , good luck changing his mind . It is still gloomy here , though a moment ago a determined beam of sunshine broke through the clouds , only to be smothered again . Still , it is not bad out for November in Manitoba . All in all , it is a very blah day . We are all reeling from the time change , as we do every year , twice a year . I wish we could just forego the time change , like Saskatchewan does , but I suppose that ship sailed long ago and I doubt it will ever be revisited . On days like this , I would love to curl up with a book or even a good movie and a bowl of popcorn . I might cave in later and grab a book . I have two more new ones to read , but I have been avoiding them in order to not interfere with my homework . Sigh . Micah is crying , and he is on his way in to see me . I can hear him approaching . Oh , he is really cute . He just burst in here with a little satisfied look on his face . Hahaha ! He just threw another tantrum . Today , his tantrums consist of throwing himself down on the floor on his tummy , and then slamming his forehead into the ground , followed by loud wailing . Hehe . He just did it again , but this time he was still standing and like the proverbial ostrich , he just tipped over and slammed his face on the floor . He is yelling at me now , calling me " MAMA " . I can 't not laugh . At this stage , it is more funny than anything . He is moving on to another challenge . Trying to find some way to irritate me into giving him what he wants , which , by the way , is my bedside clock . He is somewhat obsessed with it these days and enjoys changing the time zone so the time is wrong , not to mention turning my alarm on so at six in the morning I am jarred from my sleep by an errant alarm that my brain can 't process because I have no reason to set an alarm anymore . I have kids for that . I have to go . He is really doing an admirable job of looking for trouble . I think maybe I should get him some lunch so I can put him to bed . Sorry this post is so blah . I seem to be so overtired lately that despite many thoughts running through my brain , when I actually sit down to my blog , I go suddenly and completely blank . Well , time to go see who Micah is phoning . I 'm off for now . It is 2 : 30 p . m . and I just sat down for my first break of the day . It has been crazy busy , as was yesterday . I am kicking into domestic high gear here , trying hard to keep a clean house and feed my family . Yikes . I have never been terribly good at this job , and in truth , it really is hard to prioritize between kids and the other tasks assigned to me . Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning . Sadly , it was not done in a fit of inspiration to do a better job . Instead , it was because I knew there were relatives from far away coming to see our place and I wanted it to look nice in here . The kicker is , I always want it to look nice in here , but getting it that way is so difficult I often get overwhelmed . ( Ironically , I just got interrupted to feed the boys a snack . I probably sat for a total of four minutes . Ha . ) Anyway , yesterday I got the place looking pretty nice and I even washed the kitchen floor . . . a job I do too infrequently to admit . I polished my piano , also a rare job , but not nearly as rare as the floor washing . Without listing every chore I did , suffice it to say , I ran off my feet all day and by the time Mike got home I was exhausted and kind of burnt out . ( Did I mention I cooked too ? ? ) Today I got up and my house was spic and span . That is inspiring . I was happy with my accomplishments and determined to keep it beautiful in here . Hm . With the existence of a spotless kitchen , I decided today would be a good day to bake buns . I have not baked buns in many , many months . Maybe even since spring . No matter . I decided to go for it , seeing we are running out of bread in this house . After all , I had nothing else to do seeing my house was so clean . So I started the yeast rising in the mixing bowl while I unloaded the dishwasher so I could clean up the breakfast dishes right away . It took a lot longer than normal to mix the dough because I was doing so many things at once , but my Micah interruptions were not too frequent and Cody had gone downstairs to play . Downstairs . Right . That brings me to an important point in my story . Yesterday , Cody broke the baby gate . I mean , he basically ripped it off its hinges . ( This is a homemade gate . ) So we had to put the piano bench in front of it in order to hold it in place and keep Micah from disaster . Last night , Mike put a regular baby gate on . It was the kind you just open so it presses on the walls or doorway on either side of it , holding it in place . I hate that gate , and because we didn 't use hinges to attach it , it 's really awkward to put on and off . So , whenever a boy wanted to go downstairs , I had to lift him over the gate and place him carefully on the stairs so he could carefully proceed downward . I don 't know what Cody weighs . I just know he was 42 pounds about a year and a half ago . He 's a big boy . Jamie weighs about 33 pounds . Jamie is not a problem to lift over . Cody is a challenge , but I can do it . So there I was , still gathering ingredients and getting started on my bun - making expedition when Jamie requested to go downstairs . This was a good thing . I had to take a break to take him to the toilet , which has turned into a small battle every single time , but we got it done . Then I carefully lifted him over the gate and he went downstairs . Phew ! Yay ! I went back to my buns and got eggs out to add to the yeast mixture . Uh oh . Jamie was at the gate again complaining he wanted to come upstairs . I was annoyed . He JUST went down there , and I was not about to lift him over again and have him turn around and request to go back down again . So I said no . The reaction was not good . He got very mad and was shouting at me to let him upstairs . I told him to go back down and play for a while first , but it was too late . He was already working into a big tantrum and he began shaking the gate while shouting . Big mistake . The gate came off with a crash and Jamie flew down the stairs backwards , screaming all the way down . I freaked out . I ran to see him and he was laying on his back at the bottom of the stairs . Concrete , by the way . We have no carpet yet . The stairs do , but not the basement floor . I wanted to rush down to him , but I could not . Instead , I had to run for Micah and get him into his room where I deposited him in his crib so he wouldn 't come tumbling down next . Then I ran down the stairs . ( Now I had two boys balling ; one upstairs and one down . ) Jamie was okay . He said his bum hurt , not his head . I was so mad but so terrified at the same time . He didn 't just trip . I am thinking he went down very forcefully because he was yanking on that gate . Then I was also faced with the dilemma of not having a gate . I could not get that darn thing on again . I now have a coffee table on its side against the stairwell . So the first part of my morning was dicey . Did I mention I was making a lasagna at the same time ? I had meat in a frying pan and ingredients all over the place . I spent literally my entire morning and the first two hours of my afternoon in the kitchen . Not my favorite place to be , but I made a lasagna which I will cook for supper tonight , plus buns and cinnamon buns which I just made the icing for and iced . Phew . The kitchen is not spotless , but hopefully I will get it there in a while . I realized today that no matter how clean your house is when you wake up in the morning , a day of meal preparation and child care will take it down so it is just as hard to clean . And now , Micah is awake , so my disjointed blogging session will have to come to a close . It will be a tough evening for me as Mike is going away overnight . I might break out a good book or something . I gotta get Micah ! He sounds mad . So , November arrives with no snow yet . Today it is supposed to be 11 degrees Celsius , and tomorrow too . This is both unexpected and appreciated . The weekend was a busy one , beginning Saturday morning with me finishing my homework after having done the majority of it by the end of last week . It is always a relief to finish and submit an assignment , though this next one will be far more difficult for me so I want to start today if possible . Then , on Saturday afternoon we all trekked off to my sister 's place , 45 minutes away , for her housewarming party . We then high - tailed it back here and a dear friend of mine came for supper and part of the evening , with her two kids . I have not seen this friend in over a year , and it was a real treat to have her and her kids here . They got to feed the horses and hang out with our boys , and I think they had a good time . They came back Sunday morning and stayed for lunch and the first part of the afternoon . While they were here , the farrier came and my sister Andrea came too as well as her husband . All three horses got trimmed without incident and they also got de - wormed , so we are pretty much set for facing the winter now with our horses . Phew ! Today , I have not set any goals yet , which is probably a bad sign . I suppose I should make it my goal to make this place as clean as I possibly can . Laundry . Yes , I need to fold and put away a bunch of laundry , so maybe that will be my first goal . We got our house nice and clean on Saturday , but my ensuite bathroom needs some work , so maybe I could do that too . I don 't know . I 'm tired from not sleeping well these days . I am still sick , believe it or not , and not sure whether to see a doctor again or just wait it out . I am far better than I was , but I 'm still not well , so I 'm not sure what to think . Micah has pretty much a non - stop flow of stuff coming out of his nose these days , which is very gross . I must say though , this morning I put him in his high chair and he was so sweet . He just said , " Mama , mama , mama , mama , " over and over again . There is something irresistible about your baby calling you mama . Maybe it 's just because Cody only ever called me " Dada " , even until he was probably almost 18 months old . He was talking a lot by then , but he thought it was funny to call me dada instead of mama , so he continued long beyond when he was capable of speaking well . Hm . Jamie is silent and in a room with the door closed . Bad sign . Cody is trying to phone someone on the phone , despite repeated instructions to put it down . Micah is alternately dragging jelly - covered toast crusts into the living room to chew on , and sneezing all over the place . Gross . I should get out of denial now and start working . Okay , that was a while ago . Jamie was trying to have a nap . He seems under the weather lately . While I checked on him , Micah pulled my freezie mug off the table and dumped the whole thing on the lazy - boy and on himself . That 's 1 3 / 4 cups of water and there wasn 't a drop left in the cup . I have now started a load of laundry and folded one , but time to do some serious work around here . I 'm off for now . What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small . |
I was just 27 . I had my whole life in front of me . I had a good job , career prospects , lots of friends . One night , I went into the city to meet a some buddies for drinks . It was late when I left them to head home . I was a bit tipsy but not exactly drunk . A man on the street approached me , asking for directions . I stopped to help him . After that was a blur . I woke up groggy , bound with nylon rope , in the trunk of a car , bumping along very potholed roads . I had no idea where I was . Or why . Or how . It took a while for me to put it together , but he must have drugged me somehow . Maybe stuck me with something . I didn 't remember . Finally , we came to a stop . When he opened the trunk and pulled me out , we were in a garage … not a house garage but a commercial one , like a chop shop . I had no idea exactly where we were but my sense was that it was in a remote , industrial part of an outer boro , far from prying eyes and out of earshot of anyone who could help me . My captor was insane . That much was obvious . I was terrified . I knew I was going to die at his hands , but I didn 't know how , which terrified me more . He started with the tools for breaking apart cars , and took me apart slowly , methodically . He knew was he was doing . He took pleasure in my pain . As soon as I realized what was happening , I tried to will my soul out of my body , so I would die faster . It didn 't work as quickly as I prayed it would . When I passed across , as soon as I felt my soul leave my corporeal form , I was met by others ; other young men he 'd killed in the same way . New York has a serial killer but nobody knows it . He disposes of bodies so well , none of us were ever found . We are all still listed as mysteriously missing persons . Nobody suspects that all our disappearances are related ; the work of one man . Nobody is looking for a single killer . He is too clever for them . Our bodies are in the Gowanus Canal , but no one would ever think to look for us there . Even if they did , they would never find us . We are melted into the toxic soup . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! " Someday " became tomorrow . Tomorrow became next week . Next week became next year , until one by one , the windows closed for me on all my dreams . I never completely threw myself into any of those pursuits . In my heart of hearts , I never believed the things I most wanted were possible . I didn 't think I was good enough to deserve them . I didn 't believe I was clever enough to grab them and hold on to them , even if they were within reach . It was easier and safer to simply fantasize , and perhaps blame others , or circumstances , or even some completely unrelated flaw in myself for my unfulfilled dreams . I never started my own business , which I 'd always fantasized about . Instead , I stuck with my boring but reliable job until I finally retired . It was the safe choice but of course , I have could have achieved my dream unless I 'd been willing to take a risk . Which I was not . I never traveled to all the exotic places I thought I wanted to go ; never explored the world . Truth was , I barely ventured out of my comfort zone . I never went to places where I didn 't understand the language . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to communicate ; that the food would be too strange for me to eat ; that I wouldn 't understand the money and end up being taken advantage of . I always wanted to learn to play a music instrument . Maybe piano . Perhaps guitar . In my fantasies , I was quite good . I would entertain my friends at parties . But in truth , I never took a lesson . Never stuck with anything long enough to even get past the most rudimentary familiarity with a chord or a scale . Most problematic of all , I never really found love . None of those other things would have mattered if I 'd given up those pursuits in exchange for another person 's happiness . But that was not the case . I had several long - term relationships , but the longest one lasted only about seven years . Never a lifetime commitment and all that entailed . Maybe I never met the right person . Maybe I was never ready for it . Maybe I was not open to it . Maybe it was simply not my destiny in that life . I still haven 't figured it out . I thought I loved a few , but looking back , although some relationships were passionate , they were not really loving . I felt no deep commitment in any of them . I was content as long as things were going well , but as soon as things got rocky , I saw no point in sticking around . I 'm not even sure that more of a commitment on my part would have made any difference . Let 's face it , sometimes , you just have to cut your losses . But then , sometimes , you have to see it out past the bad or inconvenient stuff and hope it turns a corner . I was never good at knowing which was which , nor very patient at waiting to see how it would play out . Perhaps the right person might have inspired me to put it more of an effort . Perhaps I was the one who needed to be the inspiration . I never had children either . I always thought that , too , would just happen . But it never did . Never the right time . Never the right person . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! When I grew old , I spoke to the dead and they spoke to me . I heard them , clear as if they were standing in the room with me . They told me their stories , just as I tell mine to you . I answered them , and asked them questions . My neighbors could hear me chatting through the door and the walls , apparently to no one . They thought me odd but I was harmless , so they left me alone . They whispered that I 'd gone mad after my husband died , and my son a year later . Some said I talked to the dead in my imagination because I couldn 't stand to be alone . Others believed I imagined the dead to be alive because I was afraid to die . If the dead were alive , then I need not be afraid of death . Most assumed the dementia of old age had set in and I was just imagining things . I also spoke to the dead when I was young . But then life got busy and I no longer had the time for them . But the main reason was that the noise of the world , the noise of my own questions and worries inside my head , crowded out any other voices . I could no more hear them than I could perceive a hushed whisper across a noisy , bustling train station . I could not stop the noise , nor did I think to do so . Whatever was inside my head was me , and that took up all my mental energy and attention . But then , eventually , I found myself old and alone . I had lived long enough to be philosophical about life . I no longer worried or questioned . I simply accepted . And finally , once again , it was quiet enough to listen . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! In the village where I lived my entire life , the roads were made of dirt and mud . Those people who could afford to , built their homes from brick or block , cement , and corrugated metal . Those who could not , build theirs of wood , metal scraps , and mud . Nobody had more than four sets of clothing : two for summer and two for winter . Many had only one . Some people had shoes ; others did not . I suppose by some standards , we lived in poverty , but since we had no idea how others lived , we had no basis of comparison , and so we never thought of ourselves as poor . Ultimately , it made no difference to the lives we lived , the lessons we learned , the love we shared , the pain we suffered . The human condition is the same everywhere . Even among those who have so very little , there were the haves and the have - nots . My family was in the middle . We went hungry from time to time , but mostly that was because of the weather , when the crops didn 't do well , or the animals starved . But then , most everyone suffered during those times , as well . From the time I was a young girl , I enjoyed observing people , watching how they behaved , how they socialized with others . In my small village , everyone knew everyone . Keeping secrets was impossible . We knew who was happy in their circumstances and who was not , and why . We knew who loved unrequitedly , who held a grudge , who envied whom . We knew who was stupid and who was wise , who was selfish and who was magnanimous , who could be relied on when you needed help and who you could count on to stick the knife in deeper . There was an old baker in the village who had built his brick oven himself , long before I was born . All the women brought their bread and larger meals to be cooked there . None of them could have built such a hot fire at home because it would have been impossible for a woman ( even with the help her children ) to collect that much wood . It was difficult enough to gather enough to keep a house warm in winter . A fire in the small stove might be enough only to heat a pot of water for tea or to boil an egg or to keep a pot of bits and scraps cooking until it became soup . Of course in the summer , it was too hot to keep a fire going inside . And so we had a communal bakery . Grandfather was a nice man with a good soul . Everybody liked him . If a family could not pay , he would never shame them . He would tell them kindly to pay when they could , even when he knew he was likely to never be paid at all . It was not in his heart to let anyone starve if he could help it . When I was about 8 years old , there was a young man in the village who worked for the baker . He was very full of his own worth , full of important advice for everyone , always telling others the best way to run their businesses even though , he , himself , had no business of his own . He was always telling Grandfather how to improve things , but Grandfather had been in business since before this young man was born , and he did not appreciate the unsolicited advice . Others advised the young man to mind his tongue and do his job , for the old man would eventually pass away and then he could take over the business and do with it whatever he wanted . But he could not wait . So , he moved away to the city , which was very far . He worked there for a few years at something ( nobody really knew ) until he had saved enough money to start his own bakery in the village . When he came back , he built his own oven . In front , he built a low wall to create a kind of outdoor room . There he put some tables and chairs . It became a kind of spontaneous café for men to gather , to drink strong tea and eat a small cake or two , to smoke , to play cards , to discuss politics and religion . The young man thought he was very clever because now he had both a bakery and a café , and was sure he could make twice as much money as Grandfather . The fact is , the bakery was where all the profit was . A café didn 't earn much . These men sat all day with one pot , always asking for more hot water . In his foolishness and ignorance he expected the village women to flock to his bakery , which was larger and of course newer and offered some social activity . What he failed to consider , was that the women did not want to pass through a group of men , on their way to the oven . These women worked hard . They gathered wood and carried water from the well . They minded the small animals . And the children , too , of course . They worked like donkeys from sunrise until everyone in their families was safely asleep . These women resented working hard while men sat idle . They did not want to be reminded of it . It made them bitter . And so , they avoided the place . Soon , with no customers for his oven , the young man could not keep his business open . He lost everything . Ashamed , chastened , and once again poor , he left the village for the city once more . I never saw him again but I thought about him a lot . And from then on , I made it a point to study others and to understand what they wanted most deeply . I quickly learned this was rarely what it appeared to be on the surface . A man might start an argument with someone of a higher status not because he was angry at the man but because he resented his own low standing . To win such an argument was to steal some of that man 's power . A woman might want a new piece of jewelry from her husband not because she needed more finery , but because it showed others that her husband valued her . She craved the status of that ; not his actual love . . A girl might act aloof or tease a boy , not because she wants to hurt him or push him away , but because she likes him and doesn 't know how to express her own feelings . I observed these things closely all my life , and I thought about them as I went about my days . And the more I understood , the more things made sense to me . I didn 't get upset when people behaved badly because I could see through it to the real reason , and I had compassion . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is al I loved him because I could love him in exactly the way he needed to be loved . He was difficult ( as was I ! ) and often tried my patience , but if I didn 't love him , who would ? He frequently treated me badly , occasionally took his hand to me , regularly neglected me , routinely said hurtful things , but even so , I knew he loved me in his own , often emotionally convoluted way . He knew I could find a man who treated me better , a man who deserved me more , so it meant everything to him that I stayed married to him . Over the years , friends and family urged me to leave him . He was no good for me , they said . He made me cry , made me feel less of myself . They made me question whether I was lying to myself about why I stayed . When he was sober and contrite , he was loving and charming . He was intelligent and deep , but too often his demons got the better of him . He knew he mistreated and neglected me , and he knew that he had to make it up to me , double , when he was capable . That was how he held on to me through the worst of times . I suppose I could say our marriage had its seasons . There were times of plenty followed by drought and famine . When love was abundant , I 'd gorge . I 'd fill up my heart to bursting . I 'd squirrel away every bit of kindness , storing them in the hidden recesses of my soul and my memory . This got me through the lean times . There were months , even years of famine when I felt it was time to pick up and move away . This soil was dry and dusty and nothing would grow here anymore . And then , just as I was about to leave , the rains would come and everything would spring back to life ! Love burst back into bloom , and I 'd think , How can I leave this place ? It 's the only home I know . I felt bound to him though never dependent . If I 'd felt dependent , I 'd surely have left him early on . No , that wasn 't the word . I felt responsible for him . As if I 'd been put on the earth just to understand him ; to be the only one he could love . But that was only part of it . It filled a need in me , too , to be with him . I needed to be loved like that - singularly and deeply . As long as there was that , I could deal with everything else . Most people search for a perfect , flawless human being to love and be loved by . They believe that such perfect person will provide perfect happiness . In fact , nothing in life is learned from perfection . The lessons are found in working with and through the imperfections . I could not have expressed this while I was alive . I raged at the imperfection . I wanted the pain and frustration to end so all would be peacefully ideal . In the beginning , I didn 't understand all the layers beneath the layers . But as we shed each one , I loved us more . We became closer , paring away our fears , one by one . We scraped off the veneer to reveal the truth below . We melted off the coating that held everything neatly in place so we could deal the messy reality . Sometimes it became too much , and one or the other of us felt the urge to run . Apart and together . Apart and together . Apart and together . And with each together , another layer was gone , bringing us closer to the meat of it , to the seed , to the real reason we stayed with each other ; to understanding the basis of our bond . I don 't know if I could have done it for fifty or sixty years . I died before I found out . I am not sure we would have been willing to keep scratching away like that or if we would have eventually come to an end . Or perhaps , one day , finally , all would have been exposed and there would have been nothing left to learn of or from each other . Maybe one of us would have reached that point first , and walked away . Certainly , I was not so easy to live with , myself . I was often angry , impatient , demanding , frustrated , mean , ornery and occasionally violent . I tried my best to rise above my anger but I will admit to flinging the occasional vase or dish . But it could have been he who ended it . He might have decided that domesticity wasn 't for him ; that he was no longer willing to do the work to maintain the balance . He might have been no longer willing to toil when the land was fertile ; unwilling to stock the pantry in preparation for the lean times . Without me , his life would have been easier in many ways , but I understand now that he needed the challenge of me , too . I suppose he knew that as well . Running away from the lessons is always an option . Human have free wll . I doubt I could have stayed on that particular path for decades more . Perhaps , if I had lived longer , I might have chosen another road , leading to different but equally important lessons . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Where do I begin to explain ? My sin is something few humans can comprehend . They can understand murder and rape , thuggery and genocide better than they can comprehend my particular crime . This is not to say they accept or sympathize with such crimes against humanity , but they can make sense of the perhaps irrational motivations - the need to destroy , the need for power , the need for money , the need for freedom or supremacy especially after a lifetime of repression . Perhaps even misguided religious fervor . The human mind can understand how such malignancies can develop because they can make sense of the root cause . Not so for me . Even here , looking back , I can 't say I totally understand it myself . It was just a need , a drive I had . It was an attraction that I could not control . I suppose if I were different , stronger , I might have been able to control my behavior , but my feelings ? No . Impossible . For most people , sexual and romantic attraction are age - appropriate . A kindergartner might have a sweet first crush on another child in the class . A twelve - year old boy might try to steal a kiss from a another twelve year old . Teenagers lust after other teenagers . And adults generally mate amongst themselves . Certainly children develop crushes on teachers or older persons of authority , but most adults understand what the child has yet to learn : any sexual relationship would be completely inappropriate and out of balance . I , however , never grew out of my grade - school sexuality . By the time I reached my teens , girls my own age frightened me . I felt too much a child , myself . I sensed they could see right through me . I feared they could see things in me that I didn 't want them to see ; things which needed to remain hidden but which I had no ability to conceal . I suspected they would demand things of me - sexually , emotionally - which I knew I could not satisfy . I feared they would consume me whole or mock me . I kept my distance . I spent a lot of time alone . I eventually learned how to fit in . I wasn 't stupid , just emotionally immature with a tragic lack of impulse control . At first , I 'd just fantasize . There were times when my loving gaze fell too long on a beautiful little girl . The accompanying parent would quickly hustle the child out of my sight , while casting back a warning glare over his or her shoulder . I used to masturbate to catalogs of children 's clothing , filled with adorable models . Even as I did it , I recognized how pathetic I was . I went to a couple of those junior beauty pageants , but they were too creepy even for me . I recognized in the audience , other men with the same feelings as mine and it frightened me . I saw my future , older and just like them . I didn 't want to end up like that , even though I feared I would . One day , when I was in my late twenties , a new family moved into my apartment complex . They had a beautiful little daughter , maybe 10 or 11 . I fell instantly in love with her . I was obsessed . I bought a puppy to attract her attention , which was the perfect ruse . She would come over to pet him . I 'd give her little snacks to feed him . Then , I got her to help me teach him tricks . That gave me an opportunity to be around her longer , with her feeling happy and relaxed . Her pure joy ! Her unsullied innocence ! Her translucent skin that allowed her inner light to shine through ! The way she looked at me with those huge blue eyes when she asked me a question , and awaited my response as if having an audience with the Buddha ! Truly , I was in love . It was as real and deep and meaningful to me as any kind of love is to anyone . I was as nervous and afraid as any inexperienced young man might be about approaching a girl he likes . I didn 't want to frighten her . I wanted her to understand things as I did . I complemented her . Told her how pretty , how smart , how good with animals she was . I gave her small gifts . I invited her in for snacks . ( Her single mother worked , and she was mostly on her own in the afternoons . ) We 'd watch TV on the sofa , and eventually , we cuddled . For her , it was no different than it might have been cuddling with her own father , who had all but abandoned her and whose male attention she obviously missed . But for me , it was absolutely romantic . I was in heaven , just to have her near me , just to smell her hair , to hear her laugh . And then , one day , we got on the subject of boys . She wanted to know certain things about the facts of life , about male anatomy . From where I am now , I recognize that she was just a normally curious kid . Her father was absent and her mother was barely there . I was a trusted adult . Who else would she ask ? I understood it as a seduction . A black curtain inside of me blocked out all normal human emotional logic . In my immaturity , I imagined that she wanted me , as I wanted her . I believed that this was her way of making the first move . It meant she loved me ! I started so slowly and gently , just touching and telling her how beautiful she was , and how sexy , and how much I liked her and how she could drive a man mad . And she liked it . She did . But she liked it because she was just a child and she had nobody else to tell her these things that she desperately wanted to hear . In her own way , she was as needy and lost in the world as I was . Of course , she was just a child and I was the adult ; I should have known better . But it didn 't feel that way to me at the time . Emotionally , we were the same age . In fact , to me , she felt older . She seemed confident but in fact , she was just trusting and naïve , and was thus not nervous . She had no reason to be . Eventually , we had sex . At the time , in my delusional state , it seemed she desired me as much as I desired her . I realize now that I forced myself too quickly on her . She was not ready - not physically and not emotionally . Even if I 'd gone more slowly , she still wouldn 't have understood . For a young girl who is just beginning to recognize her potential as a woman , to sense she has power over an older man , is a heady feeling , . but is emotion that a ten year old mind cannot process in its full scope . She could not have understood all the ramifications . For her , it was a game : to have a man do whatever she asked ; give her whatever she wanted . That was as far as she thought about it . She might well have played this power game with her own father against her mother if he 'd been around more . It was not a sexual thing . She was just a child , only just beginning to understand her power as a female . She was testing her wings . She didn 't even understand , really , what sex was . She didn 't comprehend the brutality of it on her small body . She didn 't anticipate the pain . Or the terror of having a grown man upon her , essentially holding her prisoner . When I imagine her face now , I know she was terrified . But I didn 't stop . I couldn 't . I was oblivious to her panic . And when it was over , she cried . I tried to comfort her but she wanted no part of me . I will never forget the look in her eyes : they screamed " Betrayal ! " Her innocence was gone and it was all my fault . I had totally misjudged the situation ( because truly , there was some part of me that was missing , and this rendered me incapable of understanding any of the dynamic in what had just transpired . ) I understood after the fact that I 'd hurt her but I didn 't understand how I had so badly misjudged . Maybe I was also angry because I felt we were in it together , that our feelings for each other were mutual , that we both wanted it , and it wasn 't fair that she blamed me after she changed her mind . But again , this was a result of my immature thinking . And in the weeks following , whenever I 'd see her around , she would quickly walk the other way . There was a complete change in her demeanor . She had closed in on herself . She was no longer that open , trusting , carefree little girl . The joy had gone out of her eyes , replaced by shock , sadness , fear , mistrust . I 'd selfishly stolen her innocence . I was consumed by guilt . I knew I 'd done a horrific thing . I knew I had destroyed something in her , and that she would not get over it for a long time , if ever . And yet , I could not stop my desire . The worse I felt about myself , the more I needed the love of an innocent to justify my feelings , to restore my sense of self - worth . I couldn 't bear to see her . I couldn 't bear to have her look at me like that . I moved far away , to another city . Eventually , I went through something similar with another girl , age twelve . It , too , ended badly . And she also never told . I moved away , again . This was the right place for me . I fully felt I deserved it . It was a relief not have to worry about further temptation , because I knew if I were still out there , it would only happen again . There was something broken in me , but I couldn 't change it and I couldn 't stop it and with my limited emotional depth , I couldn 't even understand it . Being in jail for this kind of crime is probably one of the most difficult sentences a man can serve . Even other prisoners are repulsed by such urges . I did not last long in there , which was for the best . I was long out of choices . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Just when you think you have it all figured out , the proverbial ca - ca hits the fan . Everything is going smoothly . Your life is working . You feel safe in the illusion that you are in control . Then suddenly , it all blows up in your face . The structure crumbles . Nature deals you a serious blow . There is illness , death , tragedy . Inability to control the circumstances . And then panic . Or depression . Or both . The " luckier " and more privileged we think we are , the further we 're sent reeling by the smack down . We are unprepared . It feels as if we 've fallen down a flight of stairs and had the wind knocked out of our lungs . In many ways , life is easier when disappointment starts early . We learn the lesson at a young age that nothing is a given ; that we must fight for every drop of happiness we experience . We come to appreciate the times when tragedy does not yank us out of our bed in the middle of the night and toss us out into the cold , dark night . We learn to value the moments when no pain pricks at our body or soul . We know that joy is fleeting , so when it comes , we embrace it and savor every second . From here , it 's easy to look back and understand all we cannot understand in life . The reasons for each journey are hidden from us behind a veil . Sometimes , we can see vague images , movements , the shadows of actions behind it . We may feel ourselves being pushed or led in a certain direction , but we never really know until we 're back here if we understood correctly , if we were following the right path , if we learned our lessons properly . So many choices and no way to know , until it 's all over . I was fortunate in that in life I remained strongly tethered to the part of me that remained here . My life was guided by this part of myself . I was able to hear my true soul more clearly than others . I knew enough to listen for that voice , to heed its call , to follow its advice . This is not to say I never made mistakes or suffered from sadness or pain which ( at the time ) seemed to have no reason . There were many occasions when I could not hear that guidance . I lost my way , moving blindly and unsteadily through my circumstances , without any faith , hoping I didn 't make any irreparable mistakes . Eventually , however , I 'd rise through the pain with a sharper ear , listening more acutely , until finally I was able to distinguish it from all the background chatter , like picking out a familiar voice in the din of a crowd . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! We may feel ourselves being pushed or led in a certain direction , but we never really know until we 're back here if we understood correctly , if we were following the right path , if we learned our lessons properly . Or perhaps it was more like living in a Vaseline - covered jar . I could see what was immediately around me ; that which was inside the jar . I could feel my own feelings clearly enough , but could not see my effect on the lives or feelings of others . Beyond my immediate surroundings , the world was fuzzy . My future and the possibility of change were all out there , beyond my reach , and always out of focus . A few tried to lead me . Sometimes I would follow blindly for a while , clinging , but then the fear began to creep : What if they led me to a new , unfamiliar place and then abandoned me ? I wouldn 't understand the rules . How would I cope in this strange landscape ? I would be totally vulnerable . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was famous . You probably would know who I was . I say now , with no attachment at all to that ego , and with complete modesty , my fame was well - deserved . I was a genius in my field , and will long be remembered as so . But what does that matter now ? Fame was just my particular path , no better and no worse than any other . Genius was merely a means to attain fame , which afforded me access to the lessons I needed to learn . I was born with a terrifying hole inside myself . That was the price for my genius and the source of my creativity . The fount of my talent was a dark place deep in my soul ; a place which attracted and repelled me at the same time . It was as if I were suspended from a thin wire over a gaping , black , shark - toothed maw . I 'd lower myself down carefully trying to snatch what I needed without falling , then getting out before the jaws snapped shut . I paid for my talent with pain and fear . How often I longed for less genius and more peace ! It took all my psychic energy to cling to that wire ! This was easily accomplished with alcohol and narcotics . By the time I was 17 , I 'd settled on heroin as my drug of choice . I wasn 't stupid about it . I guess technically I was a junkie because I was absolutely addicted for most of my adulthood , but I never was one of those nodding - out smack - heads who slept in parks or shot up in squatters ' crash pads . Unlike others , I didn 't go from one ill - conceived smash - and - grab petty crime to another . Well , perhaps a bit , in the very beginning , when I was just starting . But I became professionally successful early on . I was able to afford my own place , pay my bills . I had access to the good stuff whenever I wanted it . I had people to take care of me . I never ( well , rarely ) shunned my responsibilities when people were counting on me . I was able to enjoy my escapes with what I thought was little danger . I didn 't think the consequences would apply to me . I thought I could forever live this lifestyle with impunity . I loved being high . I existed on an entirely different plane which felt as much like reality as reality . More so , even . I 'd wonder , what is reality ? The truth was , nobody was ever able to give me convincing argument that one was more real than the other . That was the beauty of it ! Maybe the high was true reality and what most people thought of as cold hard reality was merely illusion . Now , if a living junkie said that to you , you 'd probably think their brain was totally fried ; that it was just the drugs talking ; that it was a way of denying the damage , of justifying the addiction . But just look at my current reality . I 'm pure white light , the state I 'd long been trying to achieve through various means . Maybe I wasn 't so wrong to have asked those questions when I was alive . addendum : This narrative was channeled in early July . At the time , I wondered if it was Lou Reed dictating . I recognized that it was wishful thinking to believe that Lou had chosen to speak to me , . I 've always been a huge fan of his , ever since the first " Banana " album . He was famous and certainly qualifies as a genius . But since I neither get ( nor do I want ) any personal details , the narrator 's identity would have to remain a mystery . Then yesterday ( early August ) I was working in the kitchen , listening to my stereo which contains 200 CDs ( about 3500 songs ) and is always set to " random . " Apropos of nothing , I started to think about Lou , wondering again about this narrative , recognizing that I will probably never know either way if it was him or someone else or nobody at all or just a figment of my imagination . As I thought about him , an obscure song of his popped into my head . ( " This Magic Moment " from the Doc Pomus tribute album ) and I kid you not , the next magic moment , that song came on the stereo ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
However , he doesn 't care and he would be happy with 1 % of my heart and would gladly settle with that . This also annoys me because I 'm a passionate person and I want 100 % of the heart of the guy who has 100 % of mine . ( Unfortunately , I have 110 % of my man - friends heart and I keep trying to give that percentage back ! ) I bought him a $ 12 apple pie . Not only that , I made him drive 30 minutes to a different city so he could pick out the pie he wanted . He doesn 't really like sweets but he does like pie . I didn 't even get him a card . Merry Christmas ! I hope you find yourself filled with love , happiness , warm moments , giggles , and making the best memories you possibly can . My niece has been in town for almost a week . Whenever she comes to town , life is very busy , filled with sweets , and very exhausting . I get to see my niece a few times a year , so when we do see her , we are busy giving her so many new memories which wears us out . . . pretty quickly . She travels from relative to relative , having slumber parties with her Aunt Jennee , sleep overs at Grammy and Pappy 's , and staying the night with Dad and Uncle B . On Christmas Eve , she decided she wanted to stay with Grammy and Pappy since they had the tree that Santa would be dropping her presents at . I also decided to stay at Grammy and Pappy 's because I thought it would be much easier to roll out of bed and enjoy the moments of Christmas morning instead of hearing my phone go off as a wake up call , telling me to come over immediately so the niece could open some presents . After the niece went to bed , it occurred to me that none of the presents from " Santa " were at Grammy 's house . And the niece is still a believer of the jolly old man in red . We decided we 'd tell her that Santa got confused and left them at Dad 's house in the morning . . . . only morning came . . . . and there were presents ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! But after a quick inspection , she realized NONE of the gifts under the tree were from Santa . She was devastated . Santa had forgotten her . Tears rimmed the corner of her eyes and she tried her best to hide her disappointment , but the sadness weighed her down as if a sumo wrestler was sitting on her shoulders . I did my best to distract her . I told her to get dressed and brush her teeth . . . but her mind stayed busy . " Aunt Jennee , I think it was Pappy who drank the milk and ate the cookies because there 's only presents from you and Grammy and Pappy under the tree . " She said with a heavy heart . As soon as I had a free chance , I huddled with Grammy and Pappy , informing them of the about to lose her belief on Christmas morning ! A few minutes later , my mom and I were hiding in the bathroom and on the phone with " Santa " trying to thing of a clever plan . " Maybe Santa left the presents in the garage . . . oh . . . the Christmas tree on the porch . . . yes , he couldn 't fit thru the wood burner pipe ! " While we waited for Dad and Uncle B to arrive , the niece sat on my lap and said , " Aunt Jennee , I can 't believe Santa forgot about us . " I gave her a hug and said not to worry , but I know it didn 't bring her any comfort . She was a child and Christmas didn 't come ! And then the doorbell rang . " Go get the door ! ! ! " I said with excitement , but it took me pushing her off my lap for her to go get the door . She pulled open the door and not only saw Dad , but she saw all the gifts under the tree on the porch . Her spirit soared ! Santa hadn 't forgotten about her after all ! And how silly it was that we didn 't look under any other Christmas trees around the house ! She skipped , she danced , she giggled , and she glowed . Christmas was going to be wonderful after all . Now , I 've been trying to get the Christmas spirit most of the month . I 've decorated my apartment with as much Christmas cheer as a typical elf but it still didn 't sprinkle any holiday magic on my heart . And then SJ and I went looking at Christmas lights all over town , and they were beautiful sights to see , brilliantly shining in the dark sky , but without the snow , it didn 't feel right . And now , we are in the week of Christmas and though I 'm going thru the motions of the holiday , it still doesn 't feel like it 's Christmas time . However , when my niece first saw me , I was wearing my fury fury jacket and instead of saying hello , or I 've missed you Aunt Jennee . . . . she gives me a hug and said , " YOU LOOK LIKE MRS . CLAUS ! " However , a little while later , when she calmed down , she told me in a soft and sincere voice , " Aunt Jennee . I finished reading Holy Jamolie . It WAS AWESOME . " I 'm not sure which one of us smiled more . When I wrote it for her last year , she didn 't seem so thrilled at having a book where she was the main character , but now she 's read it and liked it . . . and I 'm slightly regretting my choice of not having book two ready for this years Christmas gift . Since the arrival of the niece , we have filled our tummies with chocolate and sugar , built gingerbread houses and talked about Santa coming down the chimney . It 's feeling more like Christmas but I have a feeling it will rush by and I won 't get to enjoy the season as much as I would prefer too . Hopefully , with the magic of Christmas , time will slow down and I will get to spend quality time with friends and family , and not lose myself to the sugar and dairy that is already changing my mood and bloating my body up to a size I 'm not comfortable in , anymore . Whether we are ready or not , the holidays are here ! And since I know I won 't have much time to myself until Christmas . . . . I 'm wishing you now , the happiest holiday season of all . May the child like spirit of love , peace , and joy , fill your hearts and sound thru your laughter , as you spend time with those nearest and dearest to you . For the last few months I 've been working full time in an upholstery shop . I manufacture restaurant booths for Wendy 's and Outback . Business has slowed down and my boss is doing her best to keep me busy to give me hours . So , this week I have . . . . I dated a lot more than I ever have in my life . I dated a guy I didn 't like , a guy that I really liked , and a guy that I think I liked . I was treated poorly and disrespected by some , and I was valued and adored by one . I really like feeling valued and adored . I started practicing yoga . . . and I 've stuck with it for 8 months . It 's changed me mentally , physically , and spiritually . I can now touch my toes , do headstands , and balance my body in positions I would have never imagined . I crossed the border and finally went to Canada . I 've done a bit of traveling this year . Niagara Falls , Nashville , and tons of waterfall chasing all over Ohio . I published a children 's story just for my niece . I reached a lot of goals . I listened to a life coach podcast to help with my broken heart and self esteem . I continue to listen to the same life coach so those negative voices stay out of my life . I overcame a broken heart , I lost some weight , I accomplished some goals , I had some set backs , and I bought a new car . I 've made new friends , I 've mended broken friendships , and I 've lost a few friends . I 've taken chances . . . on love , on life , on my future , on a career . In July , I was approached by a Beachbody Coach to join her team . I liked the idea of everything , hosting yoga challenges on instagram , getting healthier , making a couple bucks , and finally drinking shakeology which I had learned about while doing P90x . . . . and Insanity . The truth is , I always wanted to get Shakeology when I did those work outs but when I looked it up and saw the price . . I said NO . Like I do in most things in life , I followed my passion . Since July , I 've worked out on a regular basis , I 'm eating better , I have a better self esteem , and I drink shakeology daily . When I don 't push for sales , the financial side whispers " I told you so " in my ear , but I know that signing up to be a coach is the BEST thing I 've EVER done for myself . My sales record isn 't the strongest but last month shakeology paid for itself which made me feel like I 'm on the right path . But then the strangest thing happened when I went to the store to pick up the supplements I use to help with my Hashimoto 's disease . . . . I started checking on the prices of everything in the store . I mean , really looking at the prices . I slap myself on the forehead . Is money more important than health ? Would you rather feel like crap and save a couple bucks or get your money 's worth in a shake that can either be a snack or meal replacement . The truth is , if I can afford shakeology , I 'm pretty sure you can too . Seriously . You probably make twice the income I make , yet I made my health and wellness a priority . So , I don 't have cable , or go out to the movies anymore , or buy stupid stuff I don 't need from online anymore , I INVESTED in my LIFE . You can afford it if you WANT it bad enough . So , while I was at the health food store , I tallied up the prices of 6 ingredients in Shakeology and it was $ 79 . 72 . . . . suddenly $ 129 for 70 ingredients that lower cholesterol , prevent cancer , help regulate our bowels , aid in weight loss , give more energy , etc , etc , etc , doesn 't seem so pricey , does it ? Breaking it down , shakeology is $ 4 a day . . . . and you know what , I ' M WORTH IT . I 'm worth paying that much / little for nutrients my body is craving for . I 'm also worth the $ 50 top notch video series that I can use over and over for the rest of my life . An average monthly gym membership is $ 55 . . . . so again , is the cost that outrageous ? Every month , my team offers challenge groups with unlimited support and encouragement to help you get in the best shape of your life . . . the only thing stopping you from failing at getting healthy is YOU . Don 't wait until the new year to start losing weight or get healthy , don 't try that crash diet that you won 't stick too , join me in the journey of loving yourself and getting healthier because you realize you are worth it . If you want to take a giant leap of faith , like I did , and begin coaching because you need to commit to making a change in your life , talk to me . I care more about you than sales . In fact , sales is not my top priority as a coach . . . helping people get on the right path is . I 'd love to help you take the first step to your health and fitness journey , starting now . I 've never been one to really care about television or what I 'm watching television on . I can prove this by the fact that I 've owned an " embarrassing " tv for almost 2 years . I was shopping at Goodwill looking for a television when a woman told me that I could have hers for free as long as I picked it up . It was big , bulky , heavy , and old but it was also free and it worked just fine . I had no problems with this TV , but everyone who came over to my apartment made some sort of comment about my ridiculous tv . My man friend cannot stand my television . He would refuse to come over and watch television when invited , because we can only watch TV at his house because he has a nice lcd flatscreen TV . He couldn 't stand the TV was only 32 " while his friends had 55 " flatscreen TVs . So on black Friday he ordered a new flatscreen TV that was 55 " - and LED a step up from his friends . On top of all this he is moving to a new location , so the other day I went over to help him clean his apartment and prepare for moving … Because I 'm nice … Not necessarily because I think this is the man for me . This was an eye opener . I knew he wasn 't the most proactive person , and this has been a big issue from day 1 of our relationship . . . . but he didn 't have one thing packed . . . . didn 't have one cleaning item . . . in fact . . . he 's never really cleaned his apartment in 15 months . He didn 't know there were different kinds of cleaning . . . . he 's always wiped things down , that 's all . And every room , I got more and more angry . He didn 't have any boxes , he was packing everything in Walmart bags . Three hours later , I collapsed on the couch , reeking of bleach and grime , having done deep cleaning on 4 rooms and he finally finished the half bath . " I understand your culture but you 're 35 and living alone , you have to clean up after yourself . This place is disgusting . " I reply , completely heartless . " Yes you do ! You 're moving out ! You 've know you are moving for 2 months , you 've had 4 days off of work ! All you did was play video games the whole time . This laziness is a huge turn off . " Again , I 'm heartless . " Jen , I 'm a good person . This dirt is meaningless in terms of our future . . . " He rambles on and on for 10 minutes straight , giving me every excuse he can think of . His old tv . Even though I told him I didn 't want it , and that he 's bribing me to give him another chance . I surrendered , took the tv , and passed mine in to a resident in my apartment . I have neglected this blog and the blogging world . I have neglected my love of writing . I have neglected story telling , and I even dropped out of NaNoWriMo 1 , 000 words in because I didn 't have time to write . Who am I anymore ? I love writing . I used to live and breathe writing . I always had a journal full of ideas with me . . . . now , I keep forgetting to take my journal with me . I really miss it . I still have all these ideas in my head I want to write down . I have a perfect children 's story plot . I have memories to share . I just got back from a trip to Nashville , Tennessee . I never even told you about all of my adventures in Canada either ! So , I 'm going to do my best to blog once a week until the end of the year . It might only be a paragraph , but at least I 'll feel like I 'm writing again ! But I keep thinking , if I want to make a living as an author , how will that ever happen if I don 't write . . . or I don 't expose my writing to the world ? I used to have fans and followers of my words , and I let meaningless distractions stop my writing , stop me from posting , and eventually shut down my blog . I know I can get there again . . . as long as I do some writing . Each year I make some New Years Resolutions , and writing and blogging is sure to be a top priority for 2016 . Ok , I 'm off to prepare food for the festivities today . . . . but I had to get it off my chest . So get used to me . . . I 'm coming back to blogging ! I 've always wanted to go to Paris . Ever since I knew what and where the Eiffel Tower was , I 've daydreamed about going to the city of love and romance . The more I learned about Paris though , I realized there were other things I would like to do there besides see the Eiffel Tower . Quickly growing on my travel to do list was Pont des Arts Bridge , also known as the Love Lock Bridge . However , in June of 2015 , they removed over one million locks because the weight of the locks was damaging the bridge . Sadly , I took Pont des Arts Bridge off of my list of things to do when I make it in Paris . Over the weekend , I went to Niagara Falls . Not quite Paris but the travel plans did include my passport so it was pretty legit to me . ( It would be even more legit if they stamped my passport but I can 't have everything ! ) As most of you know , I also love chasing waterfalls . I 've hiked all over Ohio finding little treasures of nature hidden off trails . Niagara Falls was less hiking and more water . Wow water ! Seriously breathtaking . So tiny and hardly noticeable . . . but as soon as I saw it , my smile exploded with pure joy ! I found a love lock . I looked down a little further on the rail and there was another one , and then another , and then another ! I counted 65 from the bus stop on Niagara Parkway to my parking spot a little over 1 / 4 mile away . SIXTY FIVE ! At first my goal was to find 30 . . . and then 50 . . . . so I was ecstatic when I counted 65 . I think this was my favorite thing about the trip because I stumbled upon it and I 'm curious how many more love locks will be there next time I visit Niagara Falls . Roald Dahl was right , " And above all , watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in unlikely places . Those who don 't believe in magic will never find it . " I woke up Monday with a little skip in my step . It was a day without work , one that would start of with breakfast with a dear friend and ending with hanging out with my parents while enjoying the beautiful day . I headed out of my apartment , locking the door behind me , then searched my purse for my phone since I 'm just scattered brained enough where I can 't ever remember if I grabbed my phone or not . I headed down the hallway and noticed the door to apartment 13 was cracked open . I turned to walk down the stairs when two unfamiliar faces were walking up the stairs with a frazzled look on their face . I offered a cheesy smile and a quick hello but they ignored me and kept walking . I headed out the front door and saw the ambulance , lights flashing as they loaded the gurney , yet the paramedics weren 't in any rush . I made my way to my car , wondering if I should wait for the ambulance to speed off to the hospital ( which is less than a block away . . . which on a complete side note , may I suggest moving near a hospital because you NEVER lose electricity for more than a minute when you 're on the same grid as them . . . something to think about . . . ) Instead of rushing away , the ambulance sat there . . . and then turned off the lights . To me , this is a sure sign of death . Then again , the slow movement from the paramedics was a sign of death . The covered gurney was a sign of death . There was a lot of signs pointing to death . I don 't even know who lived in apartment 13 , and part of me wonders if the tenant had been dead long or if it was a heart attack while others were visiting and could call the ambulance . I really don 't know . It seems like I hike more times alone than I do with others . I don 't know why this is , but when I 'm solo in nature , hiking is more of an experience . . . . spiritual , emotional , mental . . . and when I 'm with others , I miss out on the beauty of the earth or something . When I am alone in the woods I am lost in everything natural . So , into the woods , I walked one mid - morning , killing time before I started the day at my temporary job . I wanted to breathe some fresh air , let go of some stress , and do some yoga . Instead of going to the left towards the blue path , like I always do , I went to the right , the unmarked path that once lead me to a pavilion . I wasn 't too concerned about this detour but as I walked into this small little corner of the woods , I saw an older gentleman caressing a tree . I immediately thought of the scene from Superstar ! but hoped he was some sort of naturalist or scientist , examining the tree with a purpose of knowledge . I walked a little faster , and finally found a spot to do my yoga , only I could feel this guys eyes on me , and I was starting to feel panicked while hiking . . . the first time since my very first solo hike . I don 't panic in the woods , this is my safe haven . . . . but my heart was racing and I didn 't like knowing this guy was in the woods with me . I attempted to set up my phone to take a picture but either I was nervous or it just wasn 't happening because the creeper guy in the woods noticed my struggle . " Are you trying to take a picture or something ? " He asked as he slowly approached me in traditional creeper fashion . Because not only did he take photos of himself , the camera was going crazy snapping pictures several at a time . I had no idea what he hit but they were going off and soon he handed me back my phone . . . . I couldn 't get the phone to stop taking pictures ! Needless to say , I felt a little bit better knowing I could identify the creeper if I needed to since he gave me several selfies of him . Finally , I showed him how to use my camera and he took a lovely picture of me doing tree pose , and then we went our separate ways , and occasionally , I would look back and see him looking my way . My walk was nearly a jog until I made it back on the blue path . . . and you know what , I haven 't been hiking solo since . . . . maybe I 'll learn to love and admire nature in the company of friends ! I 'm sure most of you are wondering if I walked away from the blogosphere again . I haven 't , I 've just been busy , and scatterbrained , and busy . The truth is , I 've had so much going on that I haven 't even thought about giving myself a little me time because I think if I do that , I 'll start getting anxiety from feeling like I 'm in over my head . Well , I quit my job . It was time . I 've spent all of 2015 focusing on finding positive energy and getting rid of anything toxic in my life . I 've made huge progress with this but unfortunately , my work situation went from positive to toxic , very fast . I suppose when you get promised a raise and promotion but then it 's handed off to an arrogant son , it makes it hard to keep doing your best at a job with no future . And to make it worse , the son constantly picked at every little thing you did wrong . . . oh there is still dirty dishes in the sink at 11 : 00 , well that 's because I can 't do dishes , cook , prep , bake and clean all at the same time . So , I gave a short noticed . I told them I 'd finish out the week , do the next week if they really wanted me too , but I was so DONE that another week sounded like torture . Instead , they told me to leave my key and that I was no longer needed , that I wouldn 't receive my final paycheck until I turned in my t - shirts . And then they released my phone number since I was on their phone plan . They did this on a Friday . I couldn 't call about it until Monday , which seemed fine , until my phone stopped working on Sunday . So , I headed to Verizon and got there at 6 : 04 pm , and naturally , they closed at 6 , so I ran to walmart to get a month to month plan . The not - so - helpful employee told me I wouldn 't be able to keep my same number without my account info , pin , etc , etc , etc . . . . none of this information my former boss would give me , not that I had a way to contact them anyway . I purchased a month to month pack after the not - so - helpful employee told me my phone was compatible for this packet . I went over to my brothers to set up my new plan that was " easy to activate " except it wasn 't . We spent TWO hours trying to figure out why my phone wouldn 't connect . As it turns out . . . . my phone wasn 't compatible . Long frustrated sigh . I 've been doing upholstery now that I 'm no longer working at the restaurant . I don 't mind the work . It 's hard work but I always feel accomplished after I do it . My plan was to sort through this phone issue after I was done working however the deadline for the order was Tuesday , so I didn 't leave until the order was complete . . . I was ready to punch someone . However , my man friend gave me a hug and told me not to worry , and that everything will work out . He insisted I go on his phone plan because it would be the cheapest option for me . I told him it felt a little soon to be going on his phone plan since we 've only been dating for two weeks but he insisted , and then insisted some more , and then told me to relax and let him take care of it . The next day , I had a new phone number , and the man friend insisted I upgrade my phone to something a little better . I eventually caved and then had a secret anxiety attack when I had to pay for the phone seeing how I 'm kinda unemployed at the moment . I dropped of my shirts at the former workplace where I was given the cold shoulder by the boss , but soon received texts from all my coworkers telling me how much they missed me being there , how my bosses act like I never existed , my name is never mentioned , etc , and that how things are getting even worse . It makes me feel like I made the right decision at the right time . AND then I got an email from my former boss telling me he was holding my final paycheck until I returned the phone . . . . yes , the phone they gave me instead of giving me a raise . The anxiety I had about buying a newer phone was gone , but I was still angry . Mostly because I intended on giving the phone to my former coworker Brian who had lost his phone 3 weeks ago and he just needs a break in life . I have yet to turn in the phone but I 'll do so when I 'm done blogging . I decided to do a quick load of laundry today . ( Don 't worry , this will be a great decent post , and not about laundry . . . ) I loaded up the dirties in to my portable tote , grabbed a handful of quarters , and opened the door to what I thought was an empty hallway . " Hey boo . " I hear from behind me . Out of habit , I respond with " heeeeeeeyyyyyy ! ! ! ! " And really , I say it out of habit since my co - worker always says " hey boo " to me . And then I realized I wasn 't at work , oh no , I actually said that to the neighbor in apartment # 18 . " How you 've been gurl ? " He asks , and even though I 'm walking in the opposite direction down the hall , I can feel his eyes on me . " I 'm good , how are you ? " I respond . " You still got dates ? " He asks , referring to the time a few weeks ago when he asked me to go out with him and I told him " It 's complicated , I 'm kind of seeing someone . " ( Because at the time , I actually thought I was kind of seeing someone . . . . and I didn 't want to go on a date with apartment # 18 guy named Willie . ) So , I did what any single female would do when these questions start forming in her mind , I stalked TT on facebook . Even though we aren 't official facebook friends , I could still see his profile picture , and as it turns out , his new profile picture explained everything . There he was , with a giant smile on his face , and a woman wrapped in his arms . Clearly , I am not that woman . I used to hate my body . No , wait , I was disgusted with my body . More than that , I hated myself because of how I looked on the outside . I did not have a healthy self - esteem . For years , I convinced myself if I 'd get to a certain weight or size then I would love myself but the self hatred hated me so much I couldn 't change anything about my body . I remained miserable until one day I had had enough . I made myself find one thing that I loved about my body and do you know what it was ? It was my cheesy and slightly crooked smile with the gap between the front teeth . And then I realized I loved the two moles beside my left eye . And then it was my nose . . . and so on , until I realized that I actually loved my looks and flaws . They were me and mine . The thing was , I wasn 't taking care of myself , and so I started making slow changes in my daily life , breaking bad habits and starting better ones . It 's a journey I 'm still on but I 'll tell you one thing , taking care of myself and creating my own happiness was one of the healthiest choices I have ever made . I work out because I love my body . I make healthy choices because I love feeling good . I changed my lifestyle to be positive and happy instead of always being sad and depressed . Are you taking care of your body because you love it ? Or are you destroying your body because you hate it ? Are you working out in hopes of having a body you love ? Because if you are , you won 't ever find it . You have to love what you already have and if you want maybe you 'll shine it up , or tone up , a little bit , but do it because you love yourself , not because you hate yourself . So tell me , what do you love about your body ? A few years ago , I realized it was time to get healthy . I was overweight , and I 'd struggled to get the weight off for years , but then I finally had an epiphany and realized that being healthy was more important than being skinny . I started making changes . I moved more , and made healthier choices . I would love to tell you that I saw immediate results on my body , but I didn 't . Sure , I was feeling better , looking better , my acne wasn 't as bad , I didn 't have bad morning breath , and my confidence was boosting , but I wasn 't seeing the physical results I thought I would see . Even though I thought I was being healthy . . . as it turns out , I was not being healthy at all . I was making excuses and making up for them by eating salads . However , once I was diagnosed with Hashimoto 's disease , I started learning more about the importance of living a healthy lifestyle . In the last year , I 've learned more about clean eating and once I gave up gluten and dairy , and took supplements to help my thyroid and my body started changing . Those physical results I was looking for over the last ten years , showed up in three months ! I maintained my weight loss until the holidays , and then , I decided to give myself a break . Back to sugar , back to junk food . . . and soon , back to depression and feeling horrible . It 's taken me almost six months to cut everything back out again , so I 'm starting over . . . again . I 'm not mad at myself for gaining a little weight back . I 've stayed active and I 've acknowledged when I 've been bad . The whole point is to work at it one day at a time , and that is exactly what I plan to do . I am going to start up a 7 day clean eating group on facebook and I 'm searching for workout buddies ( ah hem SJ ) or accountability partners . I 've learned it is so much easier to succeed at everything when you have a great support group around you , and that is what I am looking for . I know I am the only one who can make the changes I need to make , but it 'll be so much better knowing I have friends who have my back and beg me to keep moving . . . and put down the ice cream . The other day , a carful of ladies , traveled from Wooster to nearly Cincinnati to do a little shopping . Three hours of road tripping , snacks , and gossip , and we were at the outlet mall minutes after it opened . We drove this distance because we are all fans of the Cabi clothing line , and since you have to have at home parties to get Cabi clothing , we had to check out the Cabi outlet mall that is in our state . As it turns out , the Cabi outlet store carries all the extra clothes from a couple seasons ago , so I 've made a mental note to check out this store in another year , so I can get the other pieces I 've been keeping an eye on . Unfortunately , Cabi clothing doesn 't really fit my budget , but I have splurged for a few pieces , and I love them so much . Going to a Cabi store where everything is 40 % off the lowest price . . . now that 's my kind of shopping . Luckily , I had another plan beyond shopping . My wonderfully fantastic BFF from Miami , Jessica , had moved to Cincinnati two weeks earlier , and I demanded we hang out and I could finally meet her four year old daughter . The plan worked , because less than an hour after arriving to the shopping center , I was out of money ! About eight months ago , I had my lemon of a car , Ollie , in the shop . . . again . The mechanic gave me his honest opinion and suggest $ 2 , 000 worth of work on it but not to bother because my car wasn 't worth investing that much money in to . So , he diagnosed Ollie and told me he had six months to live . Ollie is terminal . It 's evident . He sounds like he could go at any moment . He leaks coolant , power steering , and who knows what else . He 's deep voice rumbles and grumbles , and he has a bad case of the shakes . It 's time for him to go , to find his rest , to get buried under ground . And I couldn 't be more thrilled . Ollie has been nothing but a financial burden to me . He got me around town , and we made a lot of good memories , listened to some great cassette tapes , had a few long good night kisses , and even toted up my bike so I could do a few bike trails . Yes , Ollie , we 've had a rough time together , but we 've had some good times as well . " Why , yes , yes I am . " My ears perked up as he told me about the 2008 Chevy Aveo with 62 , 500 miles on in , 26 in town miles per gallon , 36 highway miles per gallon . He spouted off so much information , my head started to hurt . " I would love to take a look at it , but what are you asking ? " He told me the price and for the first time since looking for cars , I actually thought , I can almost afford that one . I set up a time to look at it , and took my brother with me so I could get his opinion ( since cars overwhelm me and I don 't know what to look for or ask about when looking to buy a car ) . We pulled into the driveway and I saw the bright blue little car , " Oh wow , that is really small . . . I mean , I knew it was small , but wow , it 's really small . " I told myself I needed a new car more than I needed a car that I wanted and couldn 't afford . I kept a positive attitude while I turned the windshield wipers on . . . before realizing shifting gears was done elsewhere . Everything was backwards from Ollie and I 'm sure I looked like a prize idiot in front of Fred and Deb while I tried to figure out how to get their car out of their driveway for a test drive . A block later , I realized the little blue car wasn 't so bad , in fact , I kinda liked it . I was feeling spoiled . It had air conditioning , cup holders , and a CD player . I excitedly pointed these things out to my brother and he told me , " you really need to have higher expectations in life , these things aren 't that exciting . " But to me , they are really exciting . I think B sometimes forgets how I 'm used to having less than more . I haven 't had air conditioning for 8 years , I haven 't had a CD player for 10 years , and cup holders , you have no idea how much you miss them until you only have a broken one that only holds jumbo size cups , but then tip over because they are too big and un - proportional to the cup holder . Back at their home , we went over every little thing . Fred pointed out the rust spot , and a few other flaws , but assured me it was a good little car . I told him I planned to buy it but I needed to check with the bank first about getting a loan , and I wouldn 't be able to get to that until Tuesday . On Tuesday , I went to the bank to request a car loan . I quickly learned that they don 't do loans for anything under $ 5 , 000 . This put a damper on my plans . I had half of the amount of the car in cash already , and I had almost the other half in savings , but I didn 't want to liquidate everything for the car . My parents said they 'd loan me some , and when we got a totally amount of the cash collected , we counted it up and I was $ 400 short . " I 'll run to the bank and take it out of savings . " I told my mom and headed to the bank . The bank closed at 4 : 30 and it was 4 : 45 p . m . , all I could do was get $ 200 from the ATM . " Well , yes and no . I mean , I have the money but I can 't get to it , but I didn 't want to use all of it , so I could use some money but I really need some cash right now . . . " I rambled somewhat coherent sentences . " All my money is in the bank . " I felt my shoulders sag . I wasn 't going to be able to get the car that day . My mom made her appearance a few minutes later , she handed me an envelope with cash . " I couldn 't get enough money , I can 't buy the car today . " I informed her . She dug out her wallet . " How much more do you need ? " She pulls out a stash of cash folded up in her wallet . " I don 't really want to use this money . . . " But she counts it anyway . " Why is it so hard to find cash right now ? ! ? ! " I scream in frustration , while my mom pulls out two more $ 5 from another hiding spot in her wallet . And then my mind starts functioning . I pulled out my wallet and saw that I had a ten . We were at $ 180 , and till $ 20 short . " AHHH , wait ! Wait ! I remembered I found a $ 20 bill behind my license the other day . I didn 't recall spending it . I knew it was an emergency stash , and I felt this was an emergency . And sure enough , there it was . We had miraculously come up with the $ 200 cash . And then I ran to the store , and bought a pineapple , because it felt appropriate . If you were a fan of Psych , you will understand . I sent a text to my friends , letting them know I would be driving the blueberry , and both of them immediately got it . One replied , " does Gus know ? " while the other replied , " don 't ever let Tim Curry get in your car ! " On Father 's Day , my father was camping in Minnesota , so I decided it would be a good time to take my mom on a little adventure . This adventure also included my brother . ( For the record , we asked him if he wanted to and he accepted . This adventure was not forced upon him . ) I packed my backpack , mostly with my camera gear , a granola bar , and a bottle of water . I checked the weather for the area we would be going in and it showed a 60 % chance of rain around the time we would be there . We came up with a plan to go out to eat if it was raining when we go there . I checked the weather again , as we were driving down the road and it dropped to 50 % chance of scattered storms . We looked at the beautiful blue sky with fluffy clouds and thought , it was a perfect day to go hiking and see some waterfalls in Northeastern Ohio . I wanted to now because it has been raining more than the sun has been out , so I knew the waterfall would be a sight worth seeing . My brother asked it if was the hike would be harder than Spangler , a park I frequently hike at , and I assured him this was a leisurely hike with a few trouble spots but nothing he couldn 't do . He let out a loud sigh , rolled his eyes , and wondered out loud what he had gotten into . I took the time to remind him , again , that he could have said no to this outdoor adventure . I did mention there might be some muddy spots and to dress accordingly . I checked the weather again before we headed into the woods , 40 % chance of rain . The sky told us it was going to be a glorious hike . The first waterfall was 1 / 6 of a mile hike . Blue Hen Falls . It 's the popular waterfall , so there were people crowded around , snapping photos , and enjoying their Sunday afternoon . However , my plan was to avoid Blue Hen Falls , and head straight for Buttermilk Falls , the waterfall that isn 't marked on ANY of the signs in the area ( which is just stupid , more people should know about Buttermilk . . . ) This way , if the 40 % chance of rain did fall upon us , we would be almost done with our hike or on our way back . . . I don 't know , it made sense at the time . About three steps in , my brother slid in the mud and did the funky chicken dance to keep himself from going down . Mom and I gasped and then applauded him when he landed on his feet , however , this was the beginning of his " worst - decision - of - my - life - to - go - hiking " attitude . Because , half way to the second waterfall , we started feeling drips coming from the sky . " Ok , let 's turn around . " My brother happily suggested , but being somewhat stubborn determined , I told them we were so close so we should just venture on , plus , it was only a few rain drops . Except those few raindrops didn 't stop . My brother mumbled and complained of his misery with every step while we slid in the mud and tried to get to Buttermilk Falls without falling in the mud . By the time we reached the tricky part that I told my brother about , the rain was falling hard . " We just have to go up this hill and then we are at the top of the waterfall ! I promise ! " I yelled as I was climbing between roots to get up the hill . " It 's a little slippery but not that bad , just take your time and be careful . " I shouted as if I were the official hiking tour guide . We reached the top in a complete downpour . " Ok , now lets go see it ! " I said optimistically , inching my way down the slippery hill . " Who is with me ? " My brother was adamant about NOT going to see the waterfall and insisted we turn around and head back to the car . That seemed silly to me because we were already soaked and less than five minutes of hiking to see the waterfall in all of its glory . My mom considered going down the hill to see the waterfall , but my brother whispered in her ear that someone would have to point out to the rescue squad where I was when I got stuck at the bottom of the hill . So , she opted to stay up top while I slowly slid down then hill . " It 's not as bad as it looks , I promise , you just have to go slow . " I made it , all in one piece , no rescue squad needed . I pulled out my camera and started snapping pictures , and the rain started coming down even harder . I was having a blast , yelling at them to come down and see it , while they were yelling at me to get back up the hill now . . . before a mudslide came and swept me away . And , naturally , it stopped raining . However , we still had plenty of mud and streams to make it through . When we got back to Blue Hen Falls , I suggested we go down and take some pictures , but it was quickly vetoed . However , some other hikers volunteered to take a picture for us , and it is probably my favorite picture ever . . . . Even though we 'd made it to the car , the rain had stopped , and the sun was out , my brother was still not very happy . On our drive home , I laughed out loud , and then told them what just went through my head , " Now everything makes sense . I just started thinking of that picture of us when we were little and had our mud fight . I was the dirtiest one in the picture , and B hardly had any mud on him at all . I 'm so much more of a live - it - up - in - the - moment - I - don 't - care - if - I - get - dirty person and B is still reserved . It just makes sense . " |
It was the new little barista at the Starbucks on the corner . He might have known that what was keeping him awake would have something to do with a woman . She was barely a woman though , certainly not one he would expect to take an interest in . He hadn 't suddenly acquired a taste for teenage waitresses . She was pretty enough , but very possibly jailbait . She was small , slender and not very tall , with short , dark hair in what he believed was called a pixie cut . There was something a little exotic about her - her skin color and cheekbones suggested that not all of her ancestors were European - but that was so common these days as to be unremarkable . He hadn 't really looked at her name tag , but thought it might have said Mary , Marissa , something like that . He hadn 't noticed her while she was waiting on him , so why did his thoughts keep going back to her now ? The thought of her was like something he couldn 't quite remember , something on the tip of his tongue . It was only to get his mind to relax and go to sleep that he promised himself to take another look at her in the morning and figure out what the subconscious trigger was . The morning was still , cold , and sunny . He got to Starbucks about five minutes earlier than usual and during a momentary lull . To reward himself for his timing , he decided to add a muffin to his usual order . The new girl was on duty , and there was only one customer ahead of him . He was on his cell phone , and she waved him aside and asked Finn , " What can I getcha ? " He was pretty sure that wasn 't the way she was trained to ask , and chewing gum was probably frowned on as well . " Tall cinnamon spice mocha extra hot and - " He scanned the choices and settled on " a pumpkin cream cheese muffin . " He watched the barista as she busied herself at the espresso machine . She was an ordinary young woman , like so many others in this university town , very likely a student making ends meet with this not - too - demanding job . Her beauty was just the general attractiveness of the young of every species . She was briskly efficient and very soon brought him his coffee and muffin . As he thanked her , he saw something in her face that he recognized , a familiarity that had nothing to do with Starbucks . He ran a mental version of face recognition software , but nothing clicked . Of course he could have seen her at any time around campus or on the streets . The part of his brain that had kept him awake nudged him , and he looked at her name tag . Her name was not Mary or Marissa , but Maris . His grandmother 's name was Maris . Was that all it was , her name tag subconsciously noticed ? But there was that sense of knowing her from somewhere . Had there been a hint of interest in her eyes ? " I 'd like to talk to you , " he said and , already hearing rumblings behind him , quickly added , " I mean later - on your break or something ? " Finn sat down at a small table by the window to eat his muffin . He wasn 't sure what he was waiting for . Was it just that he didn 't want to juggle the coffee , muffin , and his briefcase , bulging with manuscripts , on the short walk to the Maryland Quarterly office ? He was never late , but there would be no consequences if he was . He had started there as a student intern while attending the university , and now , at thirty , he was the senior editor , at least nominally the boss . Maris worked steadily through a rush and then , in a moment of calm , said something to the other barista , a gawky , redheaded boy , and disappeared into the back room . Two minutes later she came out , sans apron and visor , and came directly to his table . " Maris is an unusual name , " he said by way of greeting . " I was named after my grandmother , " she said , sitting down across from him . The hairs on the back of Finn 's neck stood up . Was what he recognized in her face something he had seen in the mirror ? " I only have like a few minutes , " she said , " so I 'll just get this outta the way . We 're not s ' posed to like date customers , but we can if we don 't meet here . I do like having sex , but not , y ' know , too often , because I - " " That 's way too much information , " he said . " I don 't want to have sex with you . " She opened her mouth to reply , and he was pretty sure she was going to ask why not . He forestalled her with , " I think we 're related . " " My grandmother 's name was Maris Mitchell . I never met her , but she used to send me birthday cards when I was a kid . I gathered she and my mother didn 't get along . I haven 't heard from her in years . " " Jimmy , " she said . " Dad always calls him Jimmy . He never said he had , y ' know , any kids . " She was still dubious , suspecting some kind of con . " My mother never told me anything about his family , except that Grandma Mitchell lived far away . " " My parents both went here ; this is where they met . " So it was not such a big coincidence that they would meet here , both far from where they started . It was starting to get busy again , and the redheaded boy called , " Maris ! " Finn dug out one of his business cards and scribbled his cell phone number on the back . " Call me , " he said . " The one on the front is my work phone - either one is fine . I want to talk to you again after I ask my mother about this . " Maris shrugged , but she took the card before she got up and hurried back to work . As he tossed his muffin wrapper , he heard her saying something to the other barista , understanding only the word " cousin . " Cousin . A graceless young woman , not the best example of her age group , but pretty and at least gainfully employed . He had never had a cousin - never known that he had a cousin . Relatives , in his experience , were in short supply . His mother was close to her parents , who still lived in Pittsburgh , retired now and enjoying their leisure , but she was an only child , and so was he . She had never remarried , finding solace instead in bottles . Had she ever mentioned that his father had a brother ? He had forgotten to ask Maris her father 's first name . He hadn 't asked for her phone number - afraid she would nip their relationship in the bud by refusing out of understandable caution . He walked quickly to the Quarterly office on the edge of campus , greeted Leo and Brenda , deposited his briefcase in his desk chair , and went into the men 's room to look in the mirror . Was this where he had seen echoes of her face ? With hers clear in his mind , he studied his own for similarities . Her nose was nothing like his , but perhaps the eyes ? Her chin looked not like his , but like his father 's . He possessed only two pictures of James Mitchell , but he knew them by heart . It had never occurred to him to wonder why there weren 't more - no pictures of James as a boy with his brother , no pictures of him with Finn 's mother , no wedding pictures . Just the one framed photo of him at twenty - one , tallHe waited until evening to call his mother . Her voice was a little blurred , but she seemed reasonably sober . He didn 't think she ever drank during the day except on weekends . She liked her job and was well - liked there . She had been the office manager for the same small business for as long as he could remember . He had assumed , since he was old enough to consider such things , that her widow 's pension was too small to make ends meet , but he knew now that the job also fulfilled other needs . " How 's my sweet boy ? " she asked . " This is home now , Mom , " he reminded her . Except for visits , he had never left Maryland since he 'd started college , but his boyhood room was untouched . He knew the pictures would still be on the wall . " I have a question to ask you . " " Shoot , " she said . She sounded relaxed , and he could visualize her leaning back in the comfortable chair next to the table that held the telephone . " Did Dad have a brother ? " There was a silence so long that he prompted her : " Mom ? " " Who told you that ? " she finally asked . He didn 't know what he had expected , but he was thrown by the caution in her voice . " Why would you ask that ? " " I think I should know if I have an uncle , " he said . " You don 't . I don 't want you talking to him , " she said sternly . " He 'll just tell you lies . How did he find you ? " " Listen to me , baby , you can 't talk to that man . He hated me . The whole family hated me . They don 't matter . It 's just you and me ; it 's always been just you and me . " " Please come , " she said . " I miss you . " It was a common complaint , but she had resisted any suggestion that she move to College Park to be near him . She liked her job and being close to her parents and still believed she could persuade him to come back to Pittsburgh . " Tell me about Dad 's brother , " he said . " I don 't know anything , " she said . " He moved away before I came back here . I don 't know where he is . If somebody is claiming to be your uncle , don 't believe it . He 's probably dead . I hope he 's dead . " She was sounding increasingly upset , and he decided it was time to change the subject . He didn 't tell her about Maris , partly because he could never mention a woman 's name without her assuming she was about to lose him to someone dreadful . He supposed her experience with the Mitchells predisposed her to expect the worst of in - laws . Maris wasn 't behind the counter at Starbucks the next morning . He didn 't ask the redheaded boy where she was and ordered his usual mocha . When he came into the office , Brenda said , " You have a visitor . She says she 's your cousin , " in a tone that suggested she knew what that meant . Brenda loved gossip , which he had always been too discreet to provide her . She finished her text message and put the phone in her small pink purse . " The address was on the card , " she said . " I like your office . " It was a single large room with four desks , very cluttered , not much to like . " My dad is all like Uncle Jimmy never , y ' know , got married or anything . He says you 're like lying and I shouldn 't talk to you . " He pulled up a straight visitor 's chair for her and waved her out of his . She was apparently willing to take that much dictation and took the offered chair , slouching a bit . Her skirt was a little short , but she dressed conservatively for a girl her age . Gareth . Had he heard that name somewhere before ? " Do you have brothers and sisters ? " " I have a sister , " she said . She pointed to her purse . " I texted her I was like seeing you , but not to , y ' know , tell Dad . " " I 'm an only child , " he told her . " Is it nice having a sister ? " " Oh , yeah . " She looked around the room vaguely . " Do you miss her ? " he asked and blunted the direct question by turning on his computer and moving a few items on his desk , as if his mind was on work . It wasn 't . Maris didn 't answer . He looked up and met her eyes . She seemed to be on the edge of tears , but she shrugged again . It seemed to be her most expressive means of communication . " Yeah , I guess . Y ' know . . . " " No , I don 't . I never had a brother or sister . Until yesterday I never had a cousin . " " Now you have me , " she said , brightening a little . She shook her head . " I can 't . " She studied him for a moment as if wondering whether he could be trusted . " It costs too much to fly , " she said , " and it was like real important to my dad for me to come here . He 's gonna be , y ' know , pissed off when he sees my midterm grades . " " Still pretty young , " he said . " Sometimes it takes a while to get the hang of academics . " He could well believe that she was struggling with English composition . " What if I gave you a ride home ? " He was surprised to discover that the plan was fully formed in his mind . " We could stop in Pittsburgh to see my mother , and then I could meet your family , and your dad would have something else to think about besides your grades . " She looked at him doubtfully . " My dad said you were like a scam artist . He said I gave you my name before you gave me yours , and that 's true , y ' know . . . but you already had cards like printed up and everything . And you do look like him . " " There 's no scam , " he assured her . " But you think about it . If you want to go home , I 'll drive you . Where is it you live ? " " It 's like a stupid little nothing town in New Brunswick , " she said . " You don 't really want to go there . There 's nothing there , y ' know . " She looked at her watch , an inexpensive digital with a pink plastic band , and said , " Yeah . I have to go to this lame class . " " Okay , " he said . " Call me later . " Since her father was already suspicious of him , he again didn 't ask for her number . As soon as she was gone , Brenda came and perched on the edge of his desk . " The online submissions manager still isn 't working right , " she said . " I called tech support . " She raised an eyebrow . " I didn 't know you liked them that young . " " You don 't know my cousin Brad , " she said . " He 's a euphemism if I ever met one . I thought you were an orphan . " " I 'm not an orphan . My mother is alive and well and living in Pittsburgh . Apparently I also have an uncle and a couple of cousins . " " Twins ? " she asked with a mischievous smile . " You are a bad boy . " " Okay , " Brenda said in a humoring tone . " Maybe she is a little low - rent for you . " Before he could reply , she put up a hand , gave him an apologetic smile , and went back to her desk . He tried to keep his mind on the job , but questions kept popping into his mind . Maris 's father said her Uncle Jimmy had never been married . Had the breach in the family taken place before his parents were married ? Gary had known his mother though ; she said he hated her . They hadn 't wanted James to marry her ? Or were his parents actually not married ? He hadn 't seen a marriage certificate or a wedding picture . Having a child out of wedlock was less common , or at least less fashionable , then , but it wasn 't the scandal it would have been in the fifties . Still , the family might not have liked it . They might have old - fashioned values . The story , as it had been told to him , was that his parents had met in College Park while attending the university , married , and moved back to his hometown in Ohio . After James was killed , she had taken baby Finn and gone back to live with her parents in Pittsburgh . Except for the birthday cards from Grandmother Maris , there had been no further contact with the Mitchells . If they hadn 't been married , would that account for it ? Why would she have moved to Ohio with him and not married him ? He looked at the birth certificate again . Yes , her name was given as Mitchell . The document was not the original - she had told him it was lost and had to be replaced when she needed it to register him for school . He studied it intently and noticed for the first time that the official legalese included the word " corrected . " Could she have had the surname added to hide the fact that he was illegitimate ? Why did it matter ? It didn 't matter to him whether or not they had been married . His father was just as dead either way . The Monday before spring break , Maris called - in the middle of the night . He was groggy with sleep and in crisis mode , thinking there was an emergency of some kind , and it took a minute to figure out who she was . " Do you know what time it is ? " he demanded . " It 's like . . . two o ' clock . One if we didn 't , y ' know , spring forward . I couldn 't sleep . " " I am not like mad at you . I am furious with you . I didn 't give you my number so you could wake me up in the middle of the night . " He took a deep breath . " Not in the middle of the night . I 'll drive you to Cedar Hills if you promise not to wake me up again . Is that why you called ? To tell me you do want to go home ? " " I just . . . I couldn 't sleep and I wanted to , y ' know , talk to you . I think you 're like real nice and everything . I 'm sorry I woke you up . You go to bed early , huh ? " That was still such a strange feeling , to think there was someone he hadn 't met who resembled him in some way , who was his blood kin . He rubbed his eyes and tried to speak calmly . " How am I like your dad ? " he asked . " Y ' know , old - fashioned . " " Go to bed , Maris , " he said and hung up . Maris was on duty when he went into Starbucks the next morning . She was busy , and the redheaded boy waited on him . As he took the tall beverage cup , he had a chance to meet her eyes and say , " Hi , Cuz . " She looked startled , and then , as he slipped a five dollar bill into the tip jar , she gave him a sweet smile . For the fiver , or because he apparently wasn 't mad at her ? If he had had a chance to get to know his father , would her smile be familiar ? " Yes . I 've already made arrangements to be away from the office over spring break and I can take my laptop . I want to stop in Pittsburgh to see my mother - you might want to meet your aunt . " " No , I don 't snore . " He wouldn 't have minded paying for two rooms , but thought it might be best to keep an eye on her . " Will you be able to get the time off from Starbucks ? Not so busy during the break , is it ? " " You quit Starbucks ? Today ? " He thought she had just started , at least on that shift . " Yeah . . . Okay , I was fired . But I didn 't do what they said . " " What did they - no , never mind . I don 't want to know . " If she had sounded outraged by the injustice , he might have offered to help her get her job back , but she sounded only a little sulky . She had probably done whatever she was accused of . He hoped it was nothing illegal or dangerous . He arranged to pick her up in front of her dorm after her last class on Friday . " Have you told your parents ? " " Joanna is gonna , y ' know , tell them I 'm coming , " she said . He didn 't like the sound of that . She didn 't want to talk directly to her parents , didn 't want them to know he was driving her , that she was seeing him against their wishes ? He probably shouldn 't be doing this . Still , Maris was of age ; it wasn 't as if he was going to be accused of kidnapping or transporting a minor across state lines . He called his mother and told her he would be there Friday night . " I 'm bringing someone with me , " he said . He knew from experience that that would put her into a tizzy , but she sounded more mellow than usual . She was watching Jeopardy . " A woman ? " she asked . " You don 't have to contact them . Maris is just a kid ; whatever bad blood there is has nothing to do with her . If you 're sure you don 't want to see her , she can wait in the car . " " Wait ' til you see her , " he said . If he had recognized something in her , his mother , who had known and loved his father , surely would see more . Maris had one small suitcase , a plain , battered bag , not very heavy . She seemed keyed up , excited by the adventure of it all . She eyed his freshly - washed , black Ford Focus and said , " This is like the most boring car . Can I drive ? " " No , " he said and , because she looked so disappointed , " Maybe later . " The first part of the trip , from College Park to Pittsburgh , getting into the city about rush hour , would be the most difficult . After that it would be the weekend and much of the route on less - traveled roads . He turned on the GPS although he didn 't need it yet . The radio was tuned to a classic rock station that he liked . It was all music from before he was born , but somehow timeless . Maris was appalled . " What are you , like sixty ? " she asked . " Can I change it ? " " I guess . " She punched buttons until she found a song she liked . Finn hated it . It sounded like some sort of Goth metal band . The lyrics were dreary , but at least not profane . " Try again , " he suggested . " It 's boring , " she said , " but it won 't like jar you . " In the worst of the D . C . traffic , he spotted a bumper sticker that said , " Relax . God is in control . " He pointed it out , and Maris said , " God is like out of control . " She took out her phone and started thumbing the buttons . He concentrated on his driving and left her to it . She had no sooner put it away than it signaled that she had a text message . She read it and laughed . " Joanna wants to know if you 're cute , " she said . She thumbed a reply . " Yeah , " she said , and after a moment , " Not just Joanna . Cedar Hills is like stupid and boring . I couldn 't wait to get out of there , but now I kind of miss it , y ' know ? Maybe I like stupid and boring . " She gestured toward the radio . " Yeah , maybe I do . " His mother didn 't rush out to meet him as she sometimes did . He had never gotten into the habit of knocking on the door of the house he 'd grown up in , but tonight , with Maris behind him , he did . There was no answer , and after a moment he opened it . At least it wasn 't locked against him . His mother came out of the kitchen . " Finn , " she said flatly . She was drunker than usual , her face puffy , her steps a little unsteady . She had been a pretty woman once , a tall , curvy blonde with deep blue eyes and smiling lips . It was all still there , but blurred and melted into this sad old woman . " Hi , Mom , " he said . He gave her a quick kiss . She reeked of alcohol . She stared at Maris , who had taken out her phone and was texting . Finn took it out of her hand . " This is Maris Mitchell , " he said . " Maris , my mother , Elisa . " Maris nodded . She snatched back the cell phone and put it away . " She 's not a Mitchell , " his mother said . " You 're claiming to be Finn 's cousin ? " " Upstairs on the right , " he said . As soon as she was out of hearing , his mother said , " That 's not Gary 's child . She 's lying . " " I haven 't met her mother . " He thought her question meant that she didn 't have any doubt about the identity of Maris 's father , no matter what she said . " Are you staying for dinner ? " " Not going to happen . " He was dismayed . Maris was such a harmless little thing ; he had hoped this would work out . He went upstairs and into his boyhood room . It was all still there - his high school wrestling trophies , the poster of Janet Jackson , the NFL spread on the narrow bed , the small desk where he had done his homework . He took the picture of his father off the wall and slid back the mat . The clipping was brown and slightly brittle , the folds now deep creases . " Let 's get out of here , " Maris said behind him . " We 'll go in a minute , " he promised . She came into the room and looked at the framed photograph in his hand . " Uncle Jimmy , " she said . " Yes , " he said . " How did you know ? " " I 've , y ' know , seen pictures , " she said . " Not like this . Younger . I always thought he died like in his teens . When I was little , I thought he , y ' know , died of some bad disease that would like get me too . " Finn pointed to the framed article still on the wall , and she looked at it gravely . " He was like a hero , " she said , impressed . " Yes . " He handed her the photo and spread the folded clipping out on the desk . Hero Cop Succumbs . " I didn 't know he was a cop too , " she said . " My dad told us like stories about when they were kids , but he never , y ' know , told us that . " " He 's like the chief of police , " she said disinterestedly . She was reading the article , moving her lips slightly . " Your father is the chief of police ? " " He walked right up to the shooter , " Finn said . " Bullet proof vests weren 't as common then . " She came to read the other article over his shoulder . Her finger found the pertinent line : " survived by his parents and his brother , Gareth . " So he had seen that name before and forgotten it . How many times had he read this article ? What he was noticing now was not what he had read and forgotten , but what was missing . Surely it should have said " survived by his widow and infant son . " Even as a boy he should have noticed that - such a fuss was usually made about the grieving families of officers killed in action . Did that mean that his suspicion was correct , that his parents had never been married ? " Take your filthy hands off that , " his mother said from the doorway . Maris turned , the framed photo still in her hand . " Mom ! " he said . " Go downstairs . We 'll be down in a minute . " She came into the room . " I said take your hands off that picture , " she said , sounding drunker than ever , quite out of control . She snatched the photo out of Maris 's hand and if Finn hadn 't stopped her she would have slapped her face . " Lying little guttersnipe , " she snarled . Maris ran out of the room . Finn , still holding his mother 's wrist , said , " What is wrong with you ? Maris hasn 't done anything . I approached her , not the other way around . I offered to drive her home . " She stared at him , aghast . " You 're going to drive her home ? You 're going to meet him ? After I asked you not to ? " " I 'm going now , " he said , folding up the article . He took the photo from her and the framed article from the wall . " I 'll call you later . Take care of yourself . Maybe you should ask Grandma to stay with you . " " Calm down , " he said and kissed her . " Go lie down for a while and then call Grandma . You 'll feel better . " He walked out of the room and left her standing there amid his childhood memories . Maris was in the car with the radio on , listening to a heavy metal station , chewing gum , and texting . When he opened the door , she reached for the radio buttons . " Leave it , " he said . " I 'm sorry about this . " " What 's a guttersnipe ? " she asked . They found a nearby Best Western with a vacancy . The room was on the first floor with a parking space right in front of the door . It wasn 't fancy , but quite comfortable , with two queen - size beds and a fairly nice bathroom . The TV only got two channels . Maris tried them both , switching back and forth for a few minutes before she gave up . Finn opened his suitcase and hung up what he was planning to wear the next day . Maris sat on her bed , watching him intently . " Do you want to go get something to eat now ? " he asked . " I don 't want to change , " she said . " I just want to , y ' know , get it over with . It was a long day . I 'm like real tired . " She took off the blouse and reached behind her for her bra clasp . He wondered if her parents knew about her navel ring and the butterfly tattoo between her breasts . " Well , yeah . I never heard it called that before . Anyway , it 's okay - I 'll like oblige you if you want . It 's no big deal . I 'll , y ' know , suck you off or whatever . " He shook his head , shocked , not by the words but by the completely new feeling of having a young female relative say them . She shrugged and put her blouse back on . " How long have you been sexually active ? " he asked . " It is a big deal , " he said . " People should treat it with more respect . And people who think they can do it without getting emotionally involved eventually find out different . I hope you at least use protection . " " I 'm not gay , Maris . My sex life is none of your business . " She opened her mouth , and he held up a hand . " And yours is none of mine . Let 's go get some dinner . " " I don 't get it , " she said . " You 're driving me home . You paid for the room . You 're like taking me to dinner . What do you want from me ? I don 't want to do anything , y ' know , weird . " She shrugged . " Whatever . " She got up to comb her hair and put on lipstick . There was a Friendly 's on the corner . Finn offered to take her somewhere nicer , but she seemed indifferent , and he didn 't much want to get back into traffic , so they walked to the Friendly 's . Maris ordered a bacon cheeseburger , fries , and a large coke and ate as if she were starving . Finn chose the Mandarin grilled chicken salad . He wasn 't particularly hungry . He didn 't know which had left a worse taste in his mouth - his mother 's drunken hostility or Maris 's apparent promiscuity . Even if he assumed that much of it was just talk , she had certainly been willing to " oblige " him . A girl like this was sure to come to grief eventually , and he was to some degree responsible for her . Maris pointed her fork at his salad . " You like that ? " she asked . She shrugged . " I don 't know . He 's just my dad . Kind of old , y ' know , and thinks he has to like tell me what to do all the time . Dictate me . " " I 'm sure he just wants you to be safe and happy . " " She 's like sick all the time . Not like my dad - not so strict or whatever . She reads murder mysteries . I tried reading them , but they like gave me nightmares . " " And your sister ? " He gave her that one , although he knew his mother had better aspects than she had seen . " I 'd like to hear some of your father 's stories about my dad , " he said . " My mother never told me very much . It was too hard for her to talk about . " " It 's awesome that he was like a hero and all . I mean , y ' know , not that he died . That 's real sad . You can have some of my fries if you want . " Was that meant as consolation for his long ago loss ? " No , thanks , " he said . " Are you going to eat that pickle ? " " This is fun , " Maris said . She passed him the slice of pickle and took another big bite of her burger . " Shall we come here for breakfast ? " he asked . " I don 't eat breakfast , " she said . At least he thought that was what she said ; her mouth was full . " When you 're with me you do , " he said . " Breakfast is the most important meal of the day . " " You 're real nice , " she said . " Thank you , Maris . I like you too . " When they got back to the room , he set up his laptop on the small table and checked his e - mail . When Maris went to take a shower , he called his mother . She answered on the second ring . " Finn , " she said . " Please come home . " When Maris came out of the bathroom , he was lying on his bed reading a manuscript . She was wearing blue flannel pajamas and had a towel wrapped around her wet hair . " What are you reading ? " she asked . Maris selected a manuscript - a short one , he noticed - and sat cross - legged on her bed to read it . She read slowly , intently , moving her lips slightly . When she was done , he asked , " Did you like it ? " " I don 't know . They like talked too much and stuff . " She shrugged . She got up and went into the bathroom , coming back with a glass of water , and rummaged in her suitcase for what looked like a prescription bottle . She popped a pill and then put the bottle on the nightstand and pushed it toward him . " Want some ? " " What is it ? " She shrugged . " Nothing illegal , " she assured him and lay back on her bed . He picked up the bottle . The label said Adderall , which he thought he had heard of in relation to ADHD . The name on the label was Olivia Mitchell . " This isn 't even yours , " he said . " It 's my mom 's , " she said . " It 's okay ; she doesn 't like take it anymore . " " It might not be illegal , but it 's wrong to take somebody else 's medication . It 's dangerous . Not to mention that you 're probably not supposed to take them across the border . " " It makes you stupid . Life isn 't about feeling good all the time . " He got up and opened her suitcase . " What else do you have in here ? " " That 's my stuff , " she said indignantly . " You have no right ! " She was right , but he didn 't care . He found another bottle , also for Olivia Mitchell , labeled Dexedrine . Maris , sitting up straight , eyes full of angry tears , said , " That was mean . I 'm like sorry I said you were nice . We should 've had sex ; you wouldn 't be so uptight ! " " Maris ! " She didn 't say another word . She turned her back on him . Finn took his laptop out again and looked up Adderall on Wikipedia . He was right ; it was primarily used for ADHD . It was also said to increase alertness and libido . The ingredients included dextroamphetamine , and it had " a relatively high potential for abuse and addiction . " He took the bottle into the bathroom and dumped the pills down the toilet . He thought Maris was asleep when he turned out the light . He woke up in the middle of the night , disoriented in the unfamiliar darkness . Maris was shaking him . " For God 's sake , " he said . " You promised not to wake me up again . " " That was before I like found out what a mean bastard you are , " she said . " Anyway , I couldn 't sleep . You were snoring . You said you didn 't snore . Plus I got like real horny . Are you sure you don 't want to , y ' know . . . " He wished he had paid for separate rooms . He wished he had never gone into Starbucks . Saturday was better . Maris seemed to have forgotten her grievance . They had breakfast at Friendly 's - buttermilk pancakes with strawberry topping and sweet , crisp bacon - and were on the road in good time . Maris found a radio station they could both tolerate . He let her drive for a while - a nerve - wracking proposition , but she did pretty well . When her cell phone chimed she reached for it , but acquiesced when he said , " Not while you 're driving . " When he was driving again , she told him what she could remember of her father 's stories about Uncle Jimmy . He was charmed , thrilled . His father was a real person to him in a way he had never been before . He was hungry for this , more than he had ever realized . The boys had grown up in a semi - rural part of Ohio . James had always been the daring one , the ringleader in most of their adventures and pranks . The stories had come down to Maris along with stern admonitions : Don 't try this . It 's dangerous . Gary was better in school , but had always believed Jimmy was the smarter one , able to talk his way out of trouble , an all too necessary talent . He was popular with the girls too , good - looking and with an easy charm . The bittersweet hero worship Finn had grown up with gave way to a different kind of admiration , to love and longing . " Is this like making you sad ? " Maris asked . They stopped for lunch near Scranton . Friendly 's had been such a success that they opted for it again . They both had tuna salad super melts and Maris added fries and a double thick chocolate shake . It was artery - clogging food , but he hoped it was at least better than the burger . " Do you eat like this all the time ? " he asked . Well , actually , it was pretty good . They were in Augusta by dinner time and stopped at a Travelodge . Before they got out of the car , Finn said , " Maybe we should get separate rooms ? " " Agreed , " he said . " But don 't take any more pills . Give them back to your mother . " He had disposed of the two bottles he 'd found , but was afraid she had more . " She 'd just throw them away , " Maris argued . " She has , y ' know , something else now , like this awesome miracle drug that really works . " " She has MS . It like runs in families , so I could get it too . " She brightened . " Maybe if I like take her pills now , I won 't . " " I don 't think it works that way , " he said , but he felt a greater sympathy for her . The room wasn 't quite as nice as the one in Pittsburgh , but the TV choices were a lot better . Maris settled happily against her pillows to watch a romantic comedy , while Finn worked in relative peace . Near the end of the movie , there was a bedroom scene , not explicit , but uncomfortably suggestive in what his mother would call " mixed company . " Maris was quite intent on it , apparently fascinated , and when it was over , she asked . " Want to ? " He looked at her . She seemed to be perfectly serious . " You 're a very pretty girl , " he said . " You 're also my cousin . And don 't you think I 'm a little old for you ? " She shrugged . " I don 't want to like marry you . Anyway , guys my age are always , y ' know , in a hurry . " " I 'm sure , " he said . " It 's not going to happen , Maris . Would you like something to read ? " " I guess . " He wasn 't thrilled at the idea , but it was the lesser evil . " The Wi - Fi here is pretty slow , " he warned her . " Brenda works with me - what are you doing ? " He got up , and she quickly tried to cover her tracks - or keystrokes - but he already knew she had somehow gotten into his e - mail . Kids like her , the true digital natives , were too damned tech savvy for their own good . He shut the computer off and closed it . " Sorry , " she said , but her tone suggested she thought he was overreacting . " That 's a serious violation of privacy , " he said . " Yeah , well , you like searched my suitcase , " she said . Finn 's GPS couldn 't find Cedar Hills , but Maris knew her way around pretty well , and it was early Sunday afternoon when they turned onto a curving , tree - lined street of modest older homes and pulled up in front of the Mitchell house . It was a rambling , two - story converted farmhouse , covered in ivy , old , but in good repair . In the driveway was an older Jeep Wrangler with a large gold star on the door . As they got out of the car , two terriers came rushing over , barking joyfully . They leapt on Maris , and she laughed and knelt to hug and kiss them . Over the barking Finn could hear music coming from the house , the mellow sound of a saxophone solo . He recognized " Stormy Weather . " Maris stood up with the smaller dog in her arms . " Give Finn a kiss hello , " she said . The terrier licked his face , and the other one was trying to climb up his leg . The front door banged open , and a man came out . He was tall and broad - shouldered , dressed in slacks and a worn wool cardigan . He was in his fifties , with a graying mustache and thick salt and pepper hair . " Hi , Dad , " Maris called . The words were casual , but there was a deep warmth in her voice . She shoved the dog at Finn and ran up the walk to throw her arms around her father . " Hello , baby girl , " he said , holding her tight , looking over her head at Finn . " Buttercup ! " he yelled . " Stinky ! " The larger dog ran obediently to his side , and Finn let the little one down to follow . He stood transfixed in the middle of the sidewalk , staring , oblivious to the sharp northern wind . It was not like looking in a mirror . It was like looking at the portrait of Dorian Gray . This was how he would look in middle age . He was already years past the age at which his father had died , and his grandfather looked just like his mother , so he had never before had a model of his future . Gary Mitchell seemed to be as affected as he was . He spoke quietly to Maris , and she ran into the house , followed by the eagerly barking terriers . The saxophone solo stopped abruptly . Finn shook himself out of his paralysis and walked up to the older man . He put out his hand . " Hello , " he said . " I 'm Finn Mitchell . " Gary cleared his throat , but couldn 't seem to summon any words . Finally he said , " Elisa 's boy . " It seemed an odd choice to Finn - not " Jimmy 's boy . " Again it seemed as if the bad blood between his mother and the Mitchells was rooted in his birth - because his parents weren 't married ? Because the Mitchells had doubted his paternity ? There was too much to say , so neither of them said anything . Gary gestured toward the house and turned to go in . Finn followed . The entryway was large , with a staircase leading upstairs on the right . From a doorway on the left , a woman emerged . She was in her forties , dressed in muted and flattering colors . She had been - arguably still was - a very beautiful woman . Her eyes were large and dark , her hair almost black , combed back and fastened with a jeweled clip . He couldn 't guess at her ancestry - European , Asian , African , Native American , or all of the above . She had Maris 's cheekbones and smooth , light brown skin . " Oh , Gary ! " she said . She came forward , leaning a little on a wooden cane , staring unabashedly at Finn . " He looks just like you , " she said , her voice rich with emotion . " It 's true . " Gary shook his head . " I don 't - " Stunned , Finn stood still , unable to move or speak . Gary was still shaking his head , but there were tears in his eyes , and they all knew Olivia was right . His birth certificate - his corrected birth certificate - listed James Mitchell , but this broad - shouldered , inarticulate , Canadian police chief was his father . Maris came running down the stairs , followed by the dogs , and for a moment there was joyful chaos . She skidded to a stop just in front of her mother , and they hugged fiercely . Caught between their excited greetings and the terriers barking and jumping , Finn could barely form a thought . Maris was his sister . Much more sedately , another young woman descended the stairs . She was , if Maris 's math could be trusted , twenty - three , taller than Maris , with the same cheekbones and skin color and longer dark hair . She wore wire - frame eyeglasses , cut - off jeans , and an oversize sweatshirt . She appeared to be at least six months pregnant . She gave him her hand and said , " I 'm Joanna . " He wanted to respond , to introduce himself , to compliment her on " Stormy Weather , " but found that he couldn 't say a word . It was Olivia who told him the story . She sent the girls back upstairs and took him into Gary 's study . Gary sat with his head in his hands , too overcome to speak , and she took Finn 's hands in hers and spoke to him softly , lovingly . She knew the story only second - hand from her husband , but she knew it by heart . Elisa was Gary 's first love , his college sweetheart . They met in College Park , where he was studying for his B . A . in Criminology and Criminal Justice , and he took her home to Ohio and married her in the local Lutheran church . It was the same story his mother had told him , except for the name of the man she had married . " She was married to you ? " Finn asked , relieved to find that he could speak after all . Gary didn 't answer . They were young and in love and they were happy . Gary began a successful career with the police force , and his younger brother Jimmy followed in his footsteps . It was part of Gary 's happiness that his wife and his brother got along so well , but then Jimmy always was a charmer . Gary and Elisa had a son ; their joy was complete . And then James was killed . He walked right into the middle of a school shooting and ended it at the cost of his own life . His family was devastated . Elisa broke down at the funeral . She said things that raised a few doubts in Gary 's mind , but it wasn 't until he went through Jimmy 's personal effects and found the letters that he knew for sure that she and Jimmy had been lovers . Finn didn 't particularly look like either of them ; he was still just a baby . Elisa insisted he was Gary 's child , but she was an unfaithful wife and not to be believed . Worst of all , the date and contents of the last letter suggested that she had broken it off the morning he was killed . She loved them both , but she had to protect her marriage and her son , so she couldn 't continue the affair . It was quite possible that James had been distraught when he answered the school shooting call . He was not heroic ; he was suicidal . Every single thing Finn knew about his parents was untrue . Gary divorced Elisa and left town . He blamed her for the ruin of the marriage and for his brother 's death . He didn 't believe Finn was his and never wanted to see either of them again . " I told Gary he should try to find you and make sure , " she said . " Mitchell is such a common name , but he knew your mother 's maiden name and that her parents lived or had lived in Pittsburgh . It wouldn 't have been that hard . But he wouldn 't . " She looked at Gary , who didn 't raise his head , but it was a loving look ; it was an old argument , lost a long time ago . " We have two lovely daughters , but I was always sorry that I couldn 't give Gary a son . " She reached over and patted his hand and then turned back to Finn . " We could do blood tests to make it official , but I 'm sure now . I 've seen pictures of Jimmy , and there is a family resemblance , but you look almost exactly the way Gary looked when I met him - except for the mustache . " " How did you find us ? " Gary asked . " Oops , " Finn said . Olivia smiled at him . She had a wide , beautiful , generous smile . " It 's all right . He 's just being a father . I am very glad to meet you , Finn . I 've thought of you so often over the years . I hope that no matter what relationship you and your father end up having , you 'll think of me as your stepmother . " Finn blinked back tears . He was already overwhelmed , and her kindness was too much for him . He tried to focus on something less emotional . " The girls don 't know ? " he asked . " Maris thought Jimmy died in his teens . " " We 'll tell them tonight , " she said briskly . " You will stay , won 't you ? I think you 'll be comfortable in the guest room . " " No , please stay . We owe you for bringing Maris home anyway . I know she can be a handful . " He wanted to tell her that he thought Maris was taking dangerous risks , but he couldn 't help seeing it from the girl 's viewpoint - she trusted him not to narc on her . Don 't tattle on your sister ! Maybe he would have a chance to ask Joanna to talk to her . " Is your luggage in the car ? " Olivia asked . " Why don 't you bring it in , and I 'll have Maris show you the guest room . We have dinner early on Sundays - about five . You can rest until then . You have a lot to think about . " He went out to the car and then could only stand there staring at the trunk . He couldn 't remember how to open it . The world had turned upside down since he had done it last . Maris came to the rescue . She came running out , took the car keys out of his hand , and opened the trunk . She pulled out her suitcase , rolled her eyes at him , and hurried back into the house . Smiling , Finn unloaded his suitcase , briefcase , and computer . My little sister , he thought . Joanna was his sister too . Remembering the soft look she had given him , he briefly entertained the fantasy that she was Olivia 's daughter by a previous marriage and therefore no blood relation to him . But no , one way or another she was his sister . The baby she was carrying was also related to him . His relatives were multiplying - an embarrassment of riches . Maris showed him the guest room , which was across from Joanna 's and next to the bathroom . Only the master bedroom and bath were on the first floor , so that Olivia didn 't have to climb the stairs . She was right ; it was quite comfortable . He lay on the bed and tried to sort out his feelings . One came strongly to the surface , and he reached for his cell phone . His mother picked up on the fifth ring . " Mom ? " he said . " Finn . " Her voice was flat , emotionless . " You 're in Ohio ? " she asked . " Who did you talk to ? " " He 's not your father ! " she said savagely . " He didn 't want you . Your father died a hero . Nobody can take that away from you . " She started to cry . " Please come home , " she said . He lay on the bed for a long time , thinking about getting some work done , but unable to summon the energy or the focus . Who am I if I 'm not who I thought I was ? He finally did get up and open his laptop , but he couldn 't remember his e - mail password . Maris probably did ; it was time to change it . He was still staring at the screen when Maris knocked on the door and called , " Dinner in five minutes . " He smoothed his hair before the bathroom mirror and looked at the face that acknowledged his paternity . His mother had known ; if she had doubted , the evidence stared her in the face every time she saw him . Had she forgotten what Gary looked like ? She had said she hoped he was dead . The stories Maris had told him about James had made him real , and now he was gone again , replaced by a flesh and blood man who hadn 't wanted to meet him . What had been simple was complicated . What had been complicated was stunningly simple . Olivia smiled at him and showed him where to sit , on her left , across the table from Joanna . Gary sat at the other end of the table with Maris on his left . He looked pretty grim . The mood was lightened a little when the terriers joined the feast . " This is Buttercup , " Joanna said as the little one came to rest its head on her feet . The larger dog came to sit next to Finn , looking up expectantly . " That 's Stinky , " Maris told him . Finn didn 't blame the dogs for their eagerness ; everything smelled wonderful . It was the kind of Sunday dinner he had always imagined other families had , complete families . Except for Thanksgiving and an occasional birthday dinner with his grandparents , he had never sat around a table like this . There was a platter of roast beef , a bowl of fluffy mashed potatoes , thick , fragrant gravy , three kinds of vegetables , and hot , crusty bread . No microwave meals in front of the TV here . There was a brief period of murmurs and rustlings as plates were passed around , and then silence descended . Finn didn 't know what to say and he didn 't think Gary was going to say anything . He looked at Joanna across the table , and she smiled at him . He thought of commenting on her pregnancy , but it was none of his business , and it would be really embarrassing if he was mistaken . He was too excited to eat , but made an attempt . The roast beef was tender and delicious . He slipped a morsel to Stinky under the table . " It was awesome , " Maris said . " I had the best burger in Pittsburgh . " There was an air of slight embarrassment about her , but he didn 't think it was because of his presence . Her father had apparently reprimanded her . " How is your mother , Finn ? " Olivia asked . He glanced at Gary , who straightened a little in his chair , but didn 't change expression . " She 's okay , " he said . " I just talked to her a little while ago . " Mouths opened , eyebrows were raised . Joanna looked at Finn . " You 're our brother ! " She was the eldest ; would she feel displaced ? " Why did you say you were our cousin ? " " Sorry , sis , " he said and smiled to let her know he wasn 't going to tell anyone she had propositioned her brother . Olivia reached for his hand and squeezed it . He liked Joanna - and Maris when she wasn 't being a pest - but he adored Olivia . How lucky he would have been to be her son - a disloyal thought , but irresistible . " What do you do in College Park ? " Gary asked , as to any dinner guest . " But you should go next year , " Olivia said . She turned to Finn . " I 've been taking this new drug , Gilenya , and it 's really helped . There 's no need for Joanna to delay starting her own career . She 's very gifted musically . " Finn nodded . " I heard the sax when we arrived . ' Stormy Weather . ' Very nice . " He smiled at Joanna , and she smiled back . He wondered what they intended to do with the baby if Joanna went to college . " I want to know why you didn 't like tell us , " Maris said sulkily . " About Finn . " Gary looked at his plate . " Finn 's mother hurt your father very deeply , " Olivia said . " They were divorced when Finn was a baby . We didn 't know where he was . " " Still , " Maris said . Gary looked at her . " How 's school , baby girl ? " Finn stepped in . " I was telling Maris the other day that it can take a while to get the hang of academics . You can 't tell much by the first year 's grades . " " That bad ? " Gary asked . " No . I did like extra credit . " She looked at Finn with a mixture of guilt and defiance , and he had a sinking feeling about the nature of the extra credit assignment . His little sister was on a very dangerous path . After dinner , Gary gestured to Finn to follow him into his study . He pointed to the chair Olivia had been sitting in and closed the door . Finn sat down and waited . It was a fairly long wait , but finally Gary sat down behind his desk and met his eyes . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " Your hair was light . I knew it might get darker later , but when you were born , you were very fair , our little Finn . Did you know that was where you got your name ? " " Yes , I 'd forgotten that - Elisa 's mother said it first , ' He 's such a little Finn . ' You might have preferred a more conventional name , " he added apologetically . " Maybe in grade school . I like it now . " " I loved you , " Gary said abruptly . " I did love you . And then I thought you weren 't mine , and it hurt like hell . If I had stayed - " " Oh yes , it does . Believe me , it does . I forgave your mother a long time ago - if she hadn 't done what she did , I never would have met Livie . It 's a lot harder to forgive myself . " Gary nodded and turned to look out the window . He drummed his fingers on the desk , thinking his own thoughts . Finn waited . " So , " Gary said finally . " You 're what - thirty now ? " Gary smiled . He held out his hand . " It 's good to meet you , son . " When they came out of the study , the women were in the living room watching television . Olivia was sitting in a deep , comfortable - looking armchair , and the girls were on the sofa , Maris lying with her ear against Joanna 's belly , Joanna 's hand on her hair . Buttercup was on Olivia 's lap , and Stinky got up and followed at Gary 's heels . Gary picked Maris up effortlessly and sat in the other armchair with her on his lap , leaving Finn to sit beside Joanna on the couch . Maris nestled in her father 's arms like the little girl she still was . They were watching America 's Funniest Videos , which Finn had always found more painful than funny " Did you have a nice man - to - man talk ? " Joanna asked . Finn nodded . " Sort of like the son - in - law interview ? " " Not at all , " Gary said . " He 's a Blue Jays fan . " This was true , but the least of what they had discussed . On the screen , the pratfalls and crashes had been replaced by a series of brazenly cute babies . " Aww , " Joanna said and rested her hand on her swollen belly . Olivia smiled at her . " I guess you noticed we 're going to be grandparents , " she said to Finn . Nephew or niece , he thought . More words that he had thought would never apply to him . " Congratulations , " he said . " It 's a girl , " Maris said . " Have you picked a name ? " he asked . He was not going to ask the other question , the one that in the new millennium was not always politically correct . These days if you asked a woman whose baby it was , she was likely to say , " Mine . " One more child to grow up fatherless , as he had . Joanna laughed . " As if anybody could boss you , " she said . Finn had seen this before , this easy familial teasing , but he had never been inside it . " Does anybody want popcorn ? " Joanna asked . She got up from the couch , not an easy feat in her condition , amid a chorus of yeses . Finn still wasn 't hungry , although he hadn 't eaten much dinner , but the hot , salty smell nudged his appetite . He was a stranger here and had eclipsed Maris 's homecoming , and they were already treating him like one of the family . Olivia went to bed first , just after ten . She kissed the girls goodnight , bending over Maris with a whispered , " Behave yourself . " She didn 't kiss Finn , but she took his hands and said , " I 'm so glad you came . " Gary turned off the TV and sent Maris upstairs for Joanna 's saxophone . This was a real treat , the best Finn could have asked for . Joanna complained that her wind was not what it had been because of the baby pressing against her diaphragm , but it all sounded perfect to Finn . She played the quieter , more soothing part of her repertoire in deference to the late hour and the presumably sleeping Olivia , and Finn went to bed lulled and ready to sleep . He reflected that if she were not his half sister , he would have liked to take Joanna out , maybe to dinner or a movie , and get to know her better . I don 't want Finn to be my brother . He didn 't particularly want to get to know Maris any better . When he woke up he was disoriented at first . He wasn 't in his own apartment or his mother 's house or even a motel room . He was in a dream , surreal , super real , incapable of integration with simple reality . He got up groggily and checked his e - mail . That other world was still there ; nothing had collapsed . He had a vague memory of hearing plumbing sounds while he was still half asleep ; somebody else was up . The other bedroom doors were closed , and the bathroom was free . He took a quick shower , careful not to use too much hot water . I don 't want Finn to be my brother . How would he feel if Maris or Joanna had just shown up one day and said , " I 'm your sister . " They had been eased into it with the idea of a new cousin , but it was still a huge leap to make . When he came out of the bathroom , Joanna 's door was ajar , and he heard voices . " . . . like halfway through he pushed me down , " Maris was saying , confiding in her sister , " and he , y ' know . . . did me . " " Did he hurt you ? " Joanna asked . " No , but that wasn 't part of the deal ! " He deliberately bumped into a dining room chair before he walked into the kitchen , so they would know he was coming . Maris and Joanna were sitting at the table and looked up . Their faces were composed , polite , not as if he had interrupted anything or was unwelcome . The dogs were sitting just under the table , and Buttercup got up and came over to sniff at Finn 's shoes . He had intended to exchange neutral morning pleasantries and say nothing of what he had heard , but Maris 's pretty little face , so deceptively young and innocent , made something unexpected rise in him . " Tell me who it was , and I 'll break his arm , " he said . Maris gasped and put her hand over her mouth . He looked at Joanna . " That 's what big brothers are for , isn 't it ? To go after the bullies ? " " It was a teacher , wasn 't it ? " The suspects would be few and in the university records . Joanna got up and checked that the dining room was empty . " Not the professor . A teaching assistant . She offered him oral sex for a better grade . You can 't tell anybody . " " He was real suspicious , " Maris said . " He made me like take off my blouse to prove I wasn 't , y ' know , wearing a wire . " Extra credit . " Did you know she was doing stuff like this ? " he asked Joanna , but didn 't wait for an answer . " She 's in over her head . Her parents should know . " " Not Daddy ! " Maris pleaded . Finn gave Joanna a helpless look . How do you tell a man , especially a man who just became your father , that his baby girl is a whore ? " She 's taking drugs too , " he said . " At least she was taking your mother 's old meds . " " No ! Go search my room - he 's lying ! You won 't find anything , " " Because I flushed them down the toilet in Pittsburgh , " he said . " Narc ! " Maris snapped . " You had no right looking in my stuff . You 're not my brother just because my dad was like married to your mother a hundred years ago . " As intent as they all were on this conversation , they still heard Olivia coming . As she came in , Finn switched gears as if he had engaged in family intrigue all his life . " I 'm sorry I let the cat out of the bag about Starbucks , " he told Maris . " You didn 't tell me it was supposed to be a secret . " " It was just money for , y ' know , clothes , " Maris said . Or a piercing and a tattoo ? Better that than drugs or an abortion . " It was fun , but I already quit . " Maris shrugged . " Let 's go shopping , " Joanna said . " Maybe we should show Finn the sights ? " Olivia suggested . Glances were exchanged - tension between Olivia trying to entertain a guest and the girls wanting the intruder out of their business . " No , it 's good for me to walk . Why don 't you start breakfast ? " Finn didn 't know how far she had to go for the newspaper - apparently it wasn 't delivered to their doorstep , because it was clear that the girls expected her to be gone long enough for them to revisit their discussion as soon as she was out of hearing . " I 'm nineteen , " Maris said . " What I do is like my business . " " Okay , " he said . " If you want to play with fire , I can 't stop you . But if you make yourself cheap , don 't be surprised when people treat you cheaply . " Maris glared at him . Joanna didn 't say anything , busying herself with breakfast preparations . He was a little worked up , feeling defensive , or he might not have continued . " And what kind of example are you setting her ? " he asked Joanna . She slammed the frying pan down on the stove . " What does that mean ? You come waltzing in here and you don 't know a damn thing about us . " " I know what she is ! She 's my sister . I know about the idiot boy who introduced her to oral sex in junior high ! I know her friends here don 't even think of that as sex ; it 's just a way to get what they want from boys . She 's never had a boyfriend , just sex partners . I thought in college she would meet smarter , more mature kids , but even the teachers take advantage of her . " " I 'm like right here , " Maris said . Joanna was just getting warmed up . " And goddamn sex is everywhere in the culture - the movies , music , TV shows , the frigging advertisements . How is that my fault ? How do I fight that ? It 's not because we weren 't raised right . I 've only slept with one man in my entire life and I was married to him . " She took note of his surprise . " You didn 't know that , did you ? " " I 'm sorry , " Finn said . " I didn 't mean that . Nobody said anything about the baby 's father , so I made a stupid assumption . I 'm sorry . Where is he ? " Olivia was unperturbed . She patted Finn 's arm . " Don 't take it personally , " she said . " She 'll come around . " He did take it personally . It was personal . " Sit down , " Olivia told him . " Do you want coffee ? How do you take it ? " " I am . I hope it lasts . " To Finn she said , " I know the drug companies get a lot of bad press , and maybe it 's deserved , but sometimes they get it right . " Gary came in , dressed in an outfit reminiscent of a western sheriff . It wasn 't the uniform James had worn in his academy graduation picture , but it had the same effect all police uniforms had on Finn , a mixture of the nervousness most people felt and a sense of proud connection . There were " Good morning " s all around . Gary kissed Joanna 's cheek and said , " Looks good , princess . " He looked around . " Where 's Maris ? " Finn didn 't think Maris would come , but she did . She was Daddy 's little girl after all . She came in and kissed Gary and helped Joanna fill plates with scrambled eggs and toast . The table was a little tight for five , and Maris jostled Finn as she sat down . He thought it was deliberate , but couldn 't be sure . There was discussion of the newspaper headlines - Libya , Japan , and the Prime Minister 's likely downfall - and plans for the day . Gary was supposed to be on duty . " Would you be interested in a ride along ? " he asked Finn . " I 'd like that , " he said gratefully . Just to get away from these women and their domestic drama would be enough . " Can we come too ? " Maris asked . " Not this time , baby girl . " " Well then , we 're going shopping , " Joanna said . " Why do women think shopping is an adventure ? " Gary asked . " Because we 're so good at it , " Joanna told him . " So how are you doing ? " Gary asked when they were on the road . " I don 't think so . I wouldn 't be in their place . Promise me you won 't change your will or anything like that . " Finn gave up , but later , after being introduced to what seemed to be the entire Cedar Hills Police Department - all five of them - he had a chance to say , " I 'd like to talk to you about Maris . " He was walking a fine line , but if she came to grief , he wanted to know that he had at least tried . " I know I don 't know her the way you do , but we were in close quarters for a couple of days . " " A little bit , yeah , but it 's more that I 'm concerned about her . She 's really struggling . Maryland is a tough school . The pace is a lot faster than it was even when I was there , and she 's so far from home . She 'll stick it out because she wants to please you , but she was really homesick . I 'm thinking she might be better off going to a community college at least for a year or two , living here where you can keep more of an eye on her . Academics isn 't exactly her strong suit . " " No , she isn 't stupid , " Finn said . But she 's been doing stupid things , he wanted to say . " I just hate to see her struggling , when she could take it a little easier , maybe go to school part time and work - she liked working at Starbucks . " " Okay , " he said . " It 's not my business . I know you love her , but sometimes an outsider can see more clearly . Could you maybe think about it ? Ask her what she 'd like to do ? " " Is there something you 're not telling me ? " Yes ! Damn it , yes ! But don 't make me say it . " Hold on a minute , " Gary said . His radio was crackling . They took a call about a truant teenager . Gary knew right where to find him . He had fallen prey to spring fever - New Brunswick spring break was already over - and gone fishing , even though the day was cold and windy . " I 'd like to do that myself , " Gary said . While the boy waited in the Jeep , they stood on the bank of the creek , taking in the lush green and the silence . " I used to dream about fishing with my son , " Gary said . " Joanna liked it when she was little , but she lost interest . The boy she was married to never seemed to have the time . He was a hard worker , a bit too serious . " " You 're a part of this family now , " Gary said . They went back to the house for lunch . The womenfolk were still out , and they made sandwiches and coffee and sat talking at the kitchen table . Finn was beginning to relax into a comfortable relationship with Gary , but he still hadn 't connected to the idea of him as his father . Gary called him " son " casually a few times , but he couldn 't call him " Dad . " The word had belonged for too long to the elusive shadow thrown by two photographs and the words " hero cop . " His cell phone vibrated in his pocket . " I 'd better take this . It 's probably work , " he said apologetically and stepped into the dining room to answer it . He didn 't recognize the number , but the area code was 412 - Pittsburgh . " Finn Mitchell ? " The voice was female , young , contralto . " My name is Amy Chandler . I 'm calling from Allegheny General Hospital . " A feeling straight out of his childhood ripped through him . Mommy . Other kids had fathers . She was all he had , his only anchor . Without her he would be adrift in the world . He couldn 't absorb all of the words . He thanked Amy Chandler numbly and let the cell phone fall from his hand . When he came back into the kitchen , Gary stood up , alarmed by what he saw in Finn 's face . Even Stinky knew something was wrong and rose to his feet with a whine . " My mother just tried to kill herself , " Finn said . " Where 's the nearest airport ? Fredericton ? " " Saint John . I 'll make a reservation while you pack . " Finn handed him his credit card . They were men , better at dealing with practicalities than feelings . By the time he was ready to go , Gary had a reservation for him on a flight to Toronto , with standby on an earlier one , and a connecting flight from Toronto to Pittsburgh . He still hadn 't had time to feel , much less think . Gary offered to drive him to Saint John so he wouldn 't have to put his car in long - term parking , and he left the car keys in case they needed to move it . On the way to Saint John he tried to remember the gist of what Amy Chandler had told him . One of his mother 's colleagues , concerned when the usually prompt and reliable Elisa didn 't arrive for work and didn 't answer the phone , had contacted his grandparents . His eighty - year - old grandfather had found her lying at the bottom of the stairs . She had taken an undetermined number of sleeping pills , dangerously mixed with alcohol , and then had fallen , or thrown herself , down the stairs . She had a broken hip and three broken ribs and was in a coma , in critical condition . They didn 't know whether she would survive . There was no suicide note , but the amount of benzodiazepine in her system suggested a serious attempt . You are an unnatural son . How could he have been so hard - hearted as to dismiss that much anguish ? When she was drunk she might say things she didn 't mean , but that didn 't give him the right to assume . . . what ? What had he assumed ? That her feelings were not real , not legitimate , not worth his time or sympathy ? My sweet little boy stabbed me in the back . From the day he had first spoken to Maris , he had been so consumed with the idea of this new family that he had brushed off the concerns of the woman who had given him birth and raised him on her own . Everything he was he owed to her . Gary had abandoned him , forgivably or not . He 's not your father ! He didn 't want you . It 's always been just you and me . If you love me , don 't see him . Let the past alone . A : When you kill yourself to get my attention . With the 20 / 20 vision of hindsight , he couldn 't imagine why he hadn 't anticipated this . She had kept her secret for thirty years - how could she not react badly when it was finally revealed ? If he had ever once , at any time in the last two weeks , stopped to look at the situation from her point of view , instead of minimizing her pain - It 's all in the past . It doesn 't matter - he would have known that this was not only possible , but logical , even inevitable . And while he was on the subject of his blindness and ingratitude , why had he not done something to help her years ago ? He had gone to the University of Maryland and never come home . He had drifted into the job there , when he could as easily have looked for something in Pittsburgh . Because she only drank in the evenings and on weekends and never let it affect her work , he had shrugged it off . But it was not natural to grieve for thirty years ! She had been a young , pretty , passionate woman - she should have been able to rebuild her life . Why in God 's name had he never gotten together with his grandparents or her friends at work and staged an intervention ? A weekend alcoholic was still an alcoholic . She should have been in AA years ago . How sharper than a serpent 's tooth it is to have a thankless child . Why , instead of heading off to New Brunswick with Maris , had he not simply asked his grandparents what they knew ? His grandmother had been there when he was born ; she at least knew his mother had been married to Gary , not James . They might have believed James was his real father , but one question could have helped unravel the mystery . In Saint John it was raining , with snow flurries , but there had been no flight delays . Gary and Finn hugged for the first time , awkwardly . " Please tell Olivia I appreciate the welcome , " Finn said . " I 'll try to get back Friday to drive her to Maryland . " If I 'm not attending my mother 's funeral . Waiting for the flight to be called , he debated about whether or not to call the hospital for an update , and did try calling his grandparents . They were probably at the hospital . They were too old to be bearing the brunt of this . Is she still alive ? Will I have time to say goodbye ? To say I 'm sorry ? The journey to Pittsburgh was as smooth and easy as air travel can be , but it was a nightmare of waiting , and waiting , and more waiting . In the air he tried to work . He checked his e - mail , but couldn 't summon sufficient interest to read his messages . He tried to read a couple of manuscripts , but couldn 't concentrate . The shortest period of waiting - less than ten minutes by the clock - felt like the longest . It was close to eleven when he walked into Allegheny General Hospital and inquired at the desk . He was sent to a small waiting room on another floor where a tired intern in rumpled scrubs finally came to talk to him . " She 's hanging on , " the intern told him . " It 's still touch and go . " Touch and go . Did he even know what that expression meant ? Did the intern ? " Even that amount of benzodiazepine isn 't usually fatal , but mixing it with alcohol is as deadly as you can get . This wasn 't a cry for help . She wanted to die . " His grandparents had gone home to try to get some sleep . He wanted to see them , talk to them , but of course couldn 't call them this late . The intern took him down the hall to the room where his mother lay in a narrow bed with side rails that reminded him of a crib . She was on a ventilator and a line ran from a set of IV bags to a catheter strapped to one hand . She was unrecognizable ; he had to take it on faith that this was not a blonde , middle - aged stranger . The intern explained that her hip had been stabilized , her broken ribs were taped , and there was nothing to do now except support her breathing and wait for her to wake up . " If she wakes up - when she wakes up , she 'll be confused and may not remember anything , and there 's nothing you can do for her . I 'd recommend that you go get some sleep and come back tomorrow . Visiting hours ended at 8 : 30 , but you can stay awhile if you like . " She was in good hands ; it was supposed to be one of the best hospitals in the country . This young doctor in training knew far more than he did , and he ought to take his advice . But he had been hours in getting here ; he wasn 't going anywhere . " Is it true that people in comas can hear what is said to them ? " he asked . " You never know , " the intern said . Not a very scientific answer . Finn pulled a visitor 's chair close to the bed and sat down . The intern put a hand briefly on his shoulder and turned to go . Cautiously , Finn reached out and touched his mother 's hand . She was far too silent , and the ventilator was nerve - wrackingly monotonous . " I 'm here , Mom , " he said . " It 's Finn . I love you . Hang in there . " He felt like an idiot . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " Please forgive me . " There was of course no response , only the sound of the ventilator . He stayed until a nurse came in . She didn 't ask him to leave , but he felt as if he was in the way . Her tasks were routine to her , but made him feel as if his mother was an object , a machine undergoing routine maintenance . He drove his rented Taurus to the townhouse through quiet , empty , rain - wet streets . He undressed and slipped into bed under the NFL spread in his old room . His mother must have changed the sheets before he and Maris came - three days ago ? She had wanted him to come home . That was real . Everything else - Maris , Gary , Olivia , Joanna , Cedar Hills - seemed unreal now , even bizarre . A damned Canadian soap opera . He did sleep , intermittently , restlessly . When he woke up the house was cold , and fortunately he had put on warm slippers when he went into the bathroom and felt a shard of glass crunch under his foot . Most of the broken bottle was in the bathtub . There was very little alcohol odor - the bottle must have been empty . He looked in the medicine cabinet . There were no prescription bottles and no empty ones in the wastebasket . He supposed the EMTs had taken whatever they could find . He walked through the house looking for - what ? A suicide note ? Evidence of despair ? Instead he found signs of how much he meant to her , how she had planned for his comfort , how much she had yearned for the visit she had been drunk enough to sabotage . There was a framed photograph of him on her bedside table . She had scrawled " Finn " on the calendar below Friday 's date . The refrigerator was stocked with food , including some of his favorites , things she must have bought just for him . While he ate a hasty breakfast , he checked his e - mail and looked up drug overdose and coma on Wikipedia . " Depressed respiration " was the reason for the ventilator . She might be in a coma for hours or weeks , and confused and amnesiac for longer than she was in the coma . Her broken hip would involve a long recovery too - this was not going to be over quickly . He didn 't call the hospital - they had said they would call if her status changed - but he called his grandparents as soon as he dared . He told them he would stay at the hospital all day and they needn 't come - they had had the first day 's long watch . He didn 't get any sense that they blamed him for anything . He blamed himself for everything . Before he left , he took the first step in the journey he should have begun years ago . He poured every ounce of liquor in the house down the drain and threw the bottles in the recycle bin out back . She had tried for thirty years to drink herself to death and now she might have succeeded . He sat by his mother 's bedside , except when a doctor or nurse sent him out to sit in the corridor . There were specific , complicated visiting hours in the ICU , one hour or half hour at a time , but they rarely enforced them . He skipped lunch and grabbed a sandwich at the hospital cafeteria for an early dinner . He did manage to do some work , but much of the time he just sat there . His life had been too much about work . It was the model she had given him . Her only real friends were her colleagues at the office . Only work had given her satisfaction , kept her sober . Most of his friends were people he worked with or had worked with . The Quarterly was the main thing they had in common . The best relationship he had ever had was with a woman so involved in her own work that she couldn 't be jealous or resentful of his . He wanted more than that now . If he had a problem or a triumph to share , his mother had always been a willing ear . Who in his life could he lean on now ? A lot of his friends had little or no connection with their parents , or unsatisfying , contentious relationships . Because they set the bar so low , he had foolishly felt satisfied with his reasonably good relationship with his mother and seen no need to deal with what was wrong with it . He sat holding her hand and remembered the good times ; times when he had striven to make her proud , when they had laughed together . You are an unnatural son . At first all the white coats blurred together , but he was beginning to see them as people , getting used to being here among them . He felt more comfortable about talking to his mother , even though it felt as if he was sitting alone in a room talking just to hear his voice . He told her what was going on , but at first stayed away from the subject of Cedar Hills . Part of it was that he was starting to feel things he hadn 't processed yet , including a deep resentment toward Gary for wanting to be friends now after thirty years of indifference . He left me behind and now he wants to go fishing ? He hadn 't called them yet , partly because the distance made them unreal and partly because he didn 't know who would answer or who he would be willing to talk to . He told her , " I love you , Mom . I 've always loved you and I always will love you , no matter what you do , no matter what you did in the past . " She just lay there , buried under the sound of the ventilator . He didn 't have a clue whether she could hear him , but took a chance that she wouldn 't get too agitated if she did . " I 'm sorry I went to see those people against your wishes . I 'm sorry I brought Maris to the house . You don 't have to have anything to do with them ever again . I promise . But you don 't have to be afraid of them . You won 't lose me to them . They won 't steal me away from you or turn me against you . They couldn 't . They aren 't my family . Gary . . . he told me he forgave you a long time ago . You don 't have to forgive him , but it might make you feel better if you did . All those negative emotions . . . if you could just let them go . . . I know , I know , I should practice what I preach ! " He knew it would all have to be said again and not without interruption . Before he left to get some sleep , the red - headed nurse , whose name he thought was Jeanne , told him that his mother 's blood pressure and heart rate were better . He had already noticed a more relaxed manner among the medical personnel in general , as if they no longer had to be so cautious about giving him hope . Apparently she was now expected to recover . " You 've been here all day , " Jeanne said . " Are you her only family ? " " My grandparents were here yesterday , " he said and then , trying to make it sound more casual than it felt , he was finally able to say , " My father lives in Canada . They were divorced a long time ago . " He called his grandparents and then , buoyed by their relief , he called the number of the house in Cedar Hills , hoping that he wouldn 't be waking anybody up . Maris answered - no doubt she could move the fastest . In a way , he was glad ; she wouldn 't overwhelm him with sympathy . Gary picked up . " I 'm glad you called , son . " Finn tensed . He 's not your father . He didn 't want you . " Are you all right ? ' " I 'm fine . I just wanted to let you know my mother is doing better , but she 's still in a coma . I don 't know when I 'll be able to come back . I 'm sorry that I brought Maris home without your permission and then abandoned her . " Abandoned . The word hung there between them , and then he remembered his own advice : Let it go . . . " Don 't worry about that - or your car . Just do what you need to do and take care of your mother . We 're all thinking of you . " At six a . m . , while he was still in bed but awake , the hospital called . Amy Chandler - he hadn 't met her , but apparently her job was to notify relatives - said , " Your mother is waking up . They 're going to try to take her off the ventilator . If you 'd like to be here , it might help keep her calm . " He could not remember ever having heard better news . As he came down the corridor toward her room , he could hear voices and an insistent , " Elisa ! Elisa ! " It was one of the peculiarities of hospital etiquette that he was " Mr . Mitchell , " while the patient was always addressed by her first name . She was awake and struggling against the restraints , with two nurses and an intern gathered around the bed . One of the nurses caught his eye and waved him forward with a look of relief . " Mom , " he said , " It 's okay . I 'm here . They 're trying to help you . They 're trying to take out the tube . " She stopped struggling . " Okay , " the intern said . " Elisa , I want you to hold very still for me and I 'm going to count to three and when I say three , give me a nice big cough . Are you with me ? " A slight nod . " One , two , three , and - good girl ! It 's out . Try to take big , deep breaths for me , even if it hurts . " His mother coughed , choked , tried to sit up . " My throat , " she whispered . The nurse gave her a sip of water , and then she looked at Finn and said , " You promised . " He didn 't know what she meant , what he had promised . There was a relaxed , congratulatory mood in the room now . The nurse loosened the restraints and Finn sat in a chair and held his mother 's hand . " My leg hurts , " she complained . " What are you doing to me ? " The nurse reached to adjust the IV drip . " Your hip is broken , " Finn told her . " You 'll be okay . You 'll be better soon . " The intern put a hand on his shoulder for a moment , as he had the first night , but this time it was more encouragement than consolation . He and the second nurse left . " She 'll be confused for a while , " the nurse said . She pointed to the call button . " Ring if you need anything . Encourage her to breathe deeply . We 'll be moving her soon . " She went out . He had , of course , in the context of terminal illness . This was different , temporary , but it was easier to say , " I wasn 't here , " and then he was sorry , because she might very well remember where he had been . If she did , she didn 't say so . A little while later , the nurse and an orderly came in and prepared to transfer her from the ICU to another room , where visiting hours would begin at 1 . They advised him to go home - I just got here ! - and come back after lunch . " She 'll be in and out and won 't remember anyway , " the nurse said . It was all matter - of - fact and business as usual to them . They were right though . When he came back after a morning of work and a decent lunch in the hospital cafeteria , she didn 't remember that he had been there earlier . She didn 't remember what had happened to her and asked the same questions several times . She drifted in and out of restless sleep . While she was asleep , he revisited the questions that were beginning to nag at him . Why had it taken thirty years and a chance meeting in Starbucks for this secret to come out ? Why hadn 't Gary wanted to find him ? Even if James had really been his father , they were related . If he had forgiven her , why would he not want to meet her son , his brother 's son ? Why did he tell Maris that Finn must be lying - if he had sent his offspring to his alma mater , why not believe that Elisa would have done the same ? Was he trying to keep his own secret , prevent his family from learning that he had abandoned Finn ? And Olivia ? He had been so touched by her welcoming kindness that he had not thought to wonder why she hadn 't contacted him . She had said Gary wouldn 't - maybe she thought , loyal wife that she was , that it was not her place . But she knew how to find him , through his grandparents , and even if Gary never wanted to meet him , couldn 't she have just inquired about him , perhaps written to him ? The only person in all of this who had put him first was his mother . She had shielded him from the truth of his father 's rejection , given him a father he could be proud of . Yes , she had been protecting herself too , hiding her guilt - and at what cost ! If James had lived , if they had raised him together , James would have been his dad forever , even if Gary turned out to be his biological father . But he had never known James . He had only the idea of a father , an outline that could never be filled in . That made it easy to think Gary could step in and fill the void . But no , he had a father , however distant and elusive , and it was too late to replace him now . He had all he could handle now with the parent he did have . " Finn ? " she said . " Where are you ? " " I 'll stay as long as they 'll let me , " he promised . " Everything is fuzzy . I need a drink . " She moved her head restlessly against the pillow and then looked right at him and asked , " They made you hate me , didn 't they ? " " No , not yet . You need to stay here and let them take care of you . You 'll be better soon , and we can go home then . Just rest now . " " I 'll ask if they can turn up the heat , " he said , but she was asleep again before he finished the sentence . He was beginning to feel cramped from sitting so long , so he got up and walked around the room . There were practicalities he needed to think about now . Was her health insurance going to cover all this ? Did she have long - term care insurance ? How much would she miss him if he flew back to New Brunswick ? How else could he get his car back to Pittsburgh ? If Gary and Olivia wanted him to drive Maris to College Park , could he stand another trip with her ? Gary had said not to worry about Maris or the car - he wouldn 't let Maris drive it back , would he ? That was a scary thought ! How could he stay away from the office long enough to see his mother through her recovery ? How would they manage when she was able to go home , with the bedrooms on the second floor ? Would he be able to hire a nurse or aide to help out ? Would they let her go home , or would she need to go to a nursing home ? He knew that older people with broken hips sometimes deteriorated mentally and were never the same again , but she was only fifty - four . He needed her to recover ; otherwise the guilt would be unbearable . Later in the day , an attending physician came in and examined her and gave Finn a full medical report . A lot of it went over his head , but he understood that she was lucky to have strong , dense bones ; they would be able to put a screw in her hip , and it should heal well . The biggest risks now were pneumonia , blood clots , and infection , which they would work to prevent . They would try to get her up and walking very soon . He didn 't know yet how long she would be hospitalized , probably only a few more days . She would need physical therapy , but a nursing home would be unnecessary if she had adequate home care . Bottom line : It could have been so much worse . His grandparents came in early in the evening . He hugged them gratefully . " She 'll be all right , " he said . She woke up while they were there and recognized them , but was again confused about wh " Nothing wrong with her brain , " his grandfather said . The hip surgery was scheduled for early the next morning , and as soon as his mother was in Recovery , Finn drove to College Park . He cleaned out his apartment and met with Leo , who would be taking over as senior editor indefinitely , and Brenda , who would be working with the student interns . He was back in Pittsburgh in late afternoon . His mother was awake , alert , complaining of pain , and wanting to go home . " Where have you been ? " she asked accusingly . " Well , it 's about time . If I 'd known a broken hip was all it would take , I would have done it sooner . " She tried to laugh , but it hurt too much . Gary called that evening after Finn had left the hospital . Being chief of police had its uses . He had contacts in Saint John and had found someone responsible who was starting a job in Washington , D . C . and would drive Finn 's car back to Pittsburgh and take the bus from there . While he was in Saint John , Gary had checked out Saint John Community College . Maris would be dropping out of the University of Maryland effective immediately , and arrangements were being made to send her belongings home . " Well , at least promise you 'll come up for Thanksgiving . Ours is in October , so it won 't conflict with yours . It will be a big family gathering , all the cousins , so there won 't be any pressure . We 'd love to have your mother come too . " He took a deep breath and said what he needed to say : " I didn 't go to Cedar Hills looking for my father - at least not for Gary . I already had a father . I don 't need another one . " " On the other hand , I 've never had a sister before . I wouldn 't like to lose track of Maris and Joanna . I 'd like to come for Thanksgiving if that 's enough for you . " " Yes . I don 't know if Gary told you , but Maris will be starting school in Saint John in the fall . In the meantime , she 's applied for a job there - at Starbucks . " |
Author 's notes : Jenny : Thanks to the best beta readers in the known galaxy , Chris . I may confuse her and even abuse her , nah not really , but she still comes through for me . Thanks Chris , you are the best ! And Sybil , what would I do without you ? You are and always will be the comma queen ! Love : A big thanks to Jenny for letting me co - write this with her and for helping out with the betaing . Another big thanks to Chris for her betaing . A special thanks to Sybil for not only betaing this , but for coming up with the title . A super huge thanks to the SMK 5 team for allowing me to be a part of this wonderful project . I really need to thank my uncle for putting up with my questions . He had no idea why I was asking them , but he answered them anyway . I also need to thank my mom for her help . All locations mentioned in this story are real places . Austin Smyth departed the plane at Dulles with a quick step and a light heart . He looked eagerly into the crowds at the terminal , searching for that one special face that never failed to make him smile . One scan , then , a second , of the people gathered there did not reveal the beloved face to him . He shrugged mentally . ' Oh , well , Thornton must have given her an assignment . ' He usually did when he thought they were getting too close . If he only knew how close they already were . The tall , slim man with sandy blond hair worked his way through the crowds . He made his way to the outside exit and hailed a cab . The address he gave the driver took him to Georgetown . He paid the cabbie , took his carryon from the seat , and proceeded up the walk of the average looking building . The sign outside read , " International Federal Film . " Austin retrieved his key from his pocket and , after a quick look over his shoulder , entered the foyer . There , an attractive blond sat at a desk , her hands hidden underneath its flat surface . " Hello , Marge . How are you ? " Austin smiled charmingly at the ' receptionist . ' The title on her desk nameplate was misleading . She was no ordinary receptionist . She did , indeed , sit in the foyer and direct any and all visitors to the appropriate area , but only after clearing them with security . She waited for Austin to give the word of the day . If he gave the correct word , she would push the button that verified his clearance , and the boys downstairs would be informed that he was in the building . He would receive his badge , enter the elevator , and go to his section chief for debriefing . " Good day , Mr . Smyth . " Nothing more nothing less . She would say no more until he gave the correct password . He knew this well , and still he enjoyed the game of trying to get her to break her rules . He spoke of nothing much for the next few minutes , all the while meeting her stony gaze . Finally , eager to see his partner , he relented and gave the password for the day . " Blackguard , Marge . The word is blackguard . " He stood from where he had perched on the corner of her desk and accepted his badge . He secured it to his lapel and started to enter the elevator . Almost as if in afterthought , he called over his shoulder . " Oh , Marge , is Nancy here yet ? " Marge Marston 's face became closed once more . She thought rapidly . If Smyth knew , he would be out of the elevator and in search of his partner , Nancy Michaels , before she could get someone here to stop him . And Mr . Thornton had made it abundantly clear that Smyth must be debriefed immediately upon his arrival . He carried very important information that was vital to the well being of several ongoing investigations . She swallowed her own beliefs about right and wrong . She lied . " Oh , I believe she 's due in later , Austin . I 'll let her know that you 're here , okay ? " She darted her gaze to the place where Nancy Michaels ' badge should have been hanging , next to her partner 's now empty one . She and Austin had been friends for several years . She hated to lie to him , but what else could she do . If he barged out now , he would have no future at the Agency . And she knew that soon , his career would be all that he had . Austin quickly made his way to the office of Section Chief Harry V . Thornton . Why he retained that particular title , no one knew . The man was the creator of the Agency . He had been the first man in the doors when Project Pyramid had been completed , and by all rights , he should now be in some bureaucratic office , pushing papers and taking it easy . But Harry just refused to go . He 'd been part of the active workings of the Agency longer than there had been an Agency , and he wasn 't going to stop now . He refused any and all promotions that would take him away from working directly with the agents he had recruited . Thornton had taught Smyth a lot . Austin admired and respected him . But lately , it seemed that the older man had an inner voice that told him things no one else knew , and he seemed bound and determined to get in their way . He and Nancy had discussed this new phenomenon just before he left . Nancy had laughed and told him he was being a paranoid spy again . She was certainly the easier going of the two . She could laugh off things that he could not . Perhaps that was why they were good partners . What one lacked , the other supplied . It worked , in the field and out . Austin arrived at his destination , knocked , then entered . Thornton looked up and nodded . He was on the phone . He finished his conversation , then greeted the younger man . " Austin , glad you 're back . What have you got ? " " A lot , old man . A lot . " Smyth laughed lightly . Thornton really hated to be called old man . Thirty minutes later , the debriefing complete , Austin stood to go to his desk and file his official report . As he was leaving , he casually asked , " Oh , by the way , where is Nancy ? I expected her to be here already . I want to get caught up on what I missed with our other cases . " He knew something , Austin was sure of it . The older man opened his drawer and pulled out a single paper . It was single - spaced and typed on IFF letterhead . The whole of it didn 't even cover the top quarter of the page . Harry held it out to the agent in front of him . Austin reached for it , and for some inexplicable reason , felt a shiver go through his body . A sense of foreboding such as he had never experienced before washed over him . Harry Thornton stood from behind his desk and walked to the door . He closed it and pulled the blinds . He stood before Austin and motioned for him to sit . Austin shook his head . " No . Harry , tell me what is going on ! Nancy should have met me at the airport . Marge says she isn 't here yet , but she always comes in early . Where is she ? " His voice had become agitated , and images of all the worst possible things flew through his mind . ' Had she been shot ? Kidnapped ? Was she in the hospital , or worse ? ' " Austin , read it . " Thornton indicated the paper , hanging limp in the other man 's hand . Smyth stared into his superior 's eyes . As usual , they were blank . You didn 't get anything out of Harry V . Thornton , unless he wanted you to . He lowered his gaze to the paper and began to read aloud . I , Nancy Michaels , do hereby resign my position as field agent and official representative of The Agency . This resignation is effective immediately . I will , of course , continue to abide by my oath of secrecy and will not , in any way , reveal my knowledge of this facility or its purpose . Austin read this twice , not comprehending the first time what he was seeing . He sat heavily . What in Hell was going on ? Nancy would never leave the Agency . She wouldn 't leave him . Dear Lord , they were more than partners . They were best friends , lovers . She was his wife , damn it . She loved him and he loved her . She wouldn 't just leave him . Austin crumpled the paper in his fist and hurled it at Thornton . " No . No , I don 't believe it . Don 't you dare file this thing , yet . I 'm going to find her . " " Austin it 's too late . She filed this herself . She bypassed me and went straight to the top . I didn 't know until it was already too late . I 'm sorry . " He laid one reassuring hand on the younger man 's shoulder , only to have it shrugged off . He stepped back and held up a placating hand . " Fine , Austin , but don 't let this get in the way of your job . You lost a partner to another job or a way of life . It 's not like you lost your wife to another man , or something . " His tone was light and jovial . He had no idea of the dangerous ground he trod on . For one brief instant , Thornton believed that Smyth was about to hit him . He braced himself and even thought of calling for security . Smyth glared at him for long moments , then whirled and rushed out of the office . He took the hall at a dead run and jabbed at the elevator buttons viciously . When the bell dinged , announcing its arrival , Austin stepped in and rode down to the Georgetown foyer . He flew past Marge 's desk , flinging his badge heedlessly in her direction . She considered calling after him , but didn 't . It seemed he 'd heard the news . Twenty minutes later , Smyth rushed up the stairs of his apartment building . He ran past the other tenants , unmindful of their stares . He fumbled with his keys , finally locating and using them to open the door of his apartment . He had been gone two weeks and his rooms were dusty and smelled stale when he flung open the door and flipped the light switch . He stopped short . Nancy never let his apartment get like this . She always came by and watered the plants . After all , they were her plants . She usually opened the windows and let the place air out occasionally . Sometimes she even slept here even when he wasn 't home . She said it made it easier to wait for him to return . He rushed to the kitchen , but the plants on the windowsill were brown tipped and droopy . He went to the bathroom . Her make up and hairbrush were gone from his cabinet . He turned next to the door of their bedroom . They spent most of their nights together here . They had spent their wedding night here . The first time they 'd made love had been right here . On the nights they had to be apart , he 'd lay , holding her pillow , inhaling the faint smell of her shampoo and the scent that was uniquely her own . His hand shook as he turned the doorknob and allowed the wooden panel to swing open into the room darkened by the pulled blinds and heavy drapes . He reluctantly turned on the overhead light . He closed his eyes tight , unwilling to see what was before him . All traces of her were gone . Her robe no longer hung on his closet door . Her dresser drawer stood open and empty . Her nightgown and slippers were nowhere to be seen . His mind whirled as he reasoned away the obvious . She was mad at him . That was it . He 'd done something to irritate her and this was her way of telling him . Once she had gone two whole weeks without speaking to him in private when he 'd made her angry . He 'd had to buy two - dozen roses and one very expensive bottle of wine before she 'd opened up and told him what the problem was . She must be hiding at her own apartment , just waiting for him to figure it out and come to apologize to her . His heart slowed from it 's frantic beat . That was it . Well , whatever she wanted today , she would get . If it would bring her back into his arms , he would beg on bended knees , all night . He rapidly made his way back out of his own deserted apartment . He rushed up two flights of stairs to Nancy 's door . He inserted his key and tried to turn the knob . It wouldn 't budge ! His key didn 't work . So she changed the locks . She must really be hot . He shook his head ruefully . Whatever he had done , he had a lot of making up to do . He looked around furtively , then removed his lock picks and quickly gained entrance to Apartment 4B . It was empty ; no furniture , no curtains , no dishes , no Nancy . Dear God , what was he going to do ? He leaned against the wall and felt his knees give way . He sank to the floor with his head cradled in his hands . For some time , he remained where he fell , his mind desperately trying to make sense of what it had been given . Finally , he stood and returned to his own rooms ; sure he would find some clues there . He knew one thing as well as he knew his own name . Nancy loved him and he wasn 't about to give up on finding her . Once back in his own apartment , he looked much more carefully . Still , he found no trace of their lives together or their vows to each other . His last sweep brought him to the locked drawer in his bureau . His hands shook as he used the tiny key to open the mechanism . He pulled open the door and stared at what lay before him . A single sheet of paper lay where their wedding bands and marriage certificate should have been . He picked up the paper and saw his own band shining dully in the bottom of the drawer . Nancy 's was not to be seen . He slipped his on the fourth finger of his left hand . It fit perfectly , just as it always had , just as Nancy always had fit into his arms . He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the letter he held . He knew it held the answers to all his questions , yet he feared to open it . Could he stand to read what was written there ? Could he stand not to read , not to know ? No of course not . He opened the folded paper and began to read . Please do not hate me . I have loved you as I have never loved any other . You have been friend , partner , husband , and lover to me . You held me up when I could not do so for myself . You made me smile and laugh when my world was ending . I owe you much and it is for this reason that I leave you now . We cannot continue as we are . I 'm holding you back . I don 't enjoy our work as you do . I fear that one day I will hinder you in some way and cause some harm to befall you . Neither can I sat back and watch you go off into the field day after day , never knowing if you will return or not . It eats at my soul and at our love , until I fear that I do not truly love you , as I should as a wife should . Neither can I live with the half - lives that we are now leading . I need to love and live openly and freely , and we may never do that . Don 't search for me . I do not wish to be found . I know how to insure that . I had a good teacher . Nancy For the two weeks that followed Austin Smyth 's homecoming , he searched for his wife day and night . He simply could not believe that she would leave him . He had read the note , but he had also seen that her wedding band was nowhere to be found , so she must have taken it with her . If she truly had wanted to leave it all behind , she would have left that tiny gold circlet as well . He took leave of the Agency without explanation , not that one was needed . Most anyone who worked with Smyth and Michaels knew that he was in pursuit of her . Not once did he come close to finding her . He spent long days with contacts , and even longer nights alone ; not sleeping , not eating , merely existing . Finally , nearing exhaustion and mental collapse , he went home . He purged his mind and his soul of every trace of his wife and their former life together . He removed his wedding band and swore that he didn 't love her anymore and that he would never love again . Sometimes , he even believed himself . The Q bureau was alive with sound and activity as Lee and Amanda attempted to clear their desks in preparation for their upcoming weekend . They had plans with the boys for their spring break and were eager to get started . They were going to the mountains to stay in a rustic cabin in the wilderness , near their favorite campsite . Plans included hiking , fishing , and even a fireside cookout , if the weather permitted . Phillip and Jamie were psyched and , so was Lee . Amanda had been calming them down for two days and this morning , when she woke at five AM to the sounds of Lee and the boys pulling out backpacks , tents , and camp cook wear , she simply gave up and let them have their fun . She had even joined in by starting to organize what they would and wouldn 't need , and by making a list of supplies to pick up on the way home this evening . " Lee , we have to answer . Mrs . Marston knows we 're still here . If we don 't answer , whoever it is , might just call her , and we are going to be caught . " Amanda 's voice was calm and logical . Lee just grimaced and shook his head . " Let ' em call her . I 'll go bribe her . She loves flowers , I bet ! " The phone rang for the fourth time . Amanda put her hand over the receiver and rolled her eyes at her husband . " Lee , you don 't have any flowers and Mrs . Marston can 't be bought ! You should be ashamed . " She picked up the phone and answered , " Q Bureau , Amanda King speaking . " She shot an affectionately exasperated glance at the now sulking Scarecrow and listened to the voice on the other end of the phone . As the voice began to speak , she sat up straighter and visibly tensed . " Yes , Sir . We 'll be right there , Sir . " She hung up the phone and sighed hugely before facing her husband who had flopped on the sofa and was refusing to look her in the face . He angrily turned his head to the wall , crossed his arms , and shut his eyes tightly . " No . " The response was short , but certainly not sweet . Amanda laid her hand on his arm and firmly pulled his hand into hers " Then stop acting like one of the boys . Now , that was Dr . Smyth , and he wants to see us before we leave today . " She smiled to soften the blow . " I know . Come on . It might not be anything . Maybe he just wants to yank our chains before we take our long weekend . You know how he is . " Lee straightened his long frame and grasped her other hand in his . He pulled Amanda up to sit with him and said , " Yes , I do know exactly how he is . He would love to find a reason to stop us from taking this much needed break . We 've been working six days a week , for the last two months , to wrap up this last case , and I am not going to let him take this away from us . " She laid her hand on his knee and pressed a soft kiss to his lips . She nuzzled his cheek briefly , and knew that taking away their weekend was probably exactly what Smyth intended . Ever since they had ' come clean ' about their marriage in January , Smyth had been contemptuous and even more belligerent than usual . Only the interference of Billy Melrose , on several occasions , had saved Scarecrow from his own temper and its consequences . Amanda looked deep into Lee 's eyes and recognized that same anger now coming to light . She shook her head at him and began to talk . " Lee , there is no need for you to get all angry and upset . Dr . Smyth is going to do what Dr . Smyth is going to do . We can 't argue with him and we can 't do anything about it . We might as well go on down there , and maybe we can save at least part of our weekend . " " It isn 't just us , Amanda . It 's the boys . You know how excited they are about this weekend . How can we go home and disappoint them like this ? " He ran his hand through his hair and sighed in frustration . Amanda had no answer for him , and , so they left the Q Bureau , headed toward the suite of offices that housed the head of the Agency , Austin Smyth . In his luxurious office , Austin Smyth stared with heavy lidded eyes at the report in front of him . He had been quite surprised when it crossed his desk this morning . After all these years , he had his first real lead in a case he had desperately tried to forget . He had forgotten , at least , that was what he assured himself . Until this morning , that is . For the last eight hours , he had wrestled with this decision . His first instinct was to run , run as fast as he could and take care of this himself . Then he remembered , he questioned his instincts , and began to think of other ways to take care of this . He had immediately thought of his best team , Scarecrow and his partner , his wife , Amanda King . Smyth grimaced as he thought of the pair . Without a doubt , they were the best team of agents he had in this section , possibly in the entire Agency . Unfortunately , they had crossed the line when they married . Then they had flung it in his face when they proclaimed it to the rest of the world . The rage that had enveloped him had been overshadowed only by the renewed coldness that had encased his heart when the memories had overcome him . That coldness had tempered the fire of his rage and saved the partnership of Stetson and his housewife . As long as they got the job done , and stayed out of his face , he had decided to leave them be . After all , one never knew when such leverage could be very useful . Now was going to be one of those times . Smyth sneered at the use of the housewife 's old name . So she was an independent woman ? Well , he knew about them as well . " Show them in , by all means . " He sat up straight in his padded chair and turned to face the window behind him . The door opened and closed and footsteps stopped near his desk . After few minutes , Stetson cleared his throat . " Dr . Smyth . " The chair turned , and the cool , cynical face of Smyth , wreathed in a puff of smoke from the ever - present cigarette , stared back at them . He perused them briefly then handed over the folder containing airline tickets and an address . ' You 're both going to Kansas , Scarecrow . Tonight . How fitting is that ? However , you can fly from Dulles on TWA , instead of in the eye of the storm . And I doubt that you 'll see the other side of the rainbow . " Lee held the folder and his temper tightly . He exchanged looks with Amanda and handed the file back to Smyth . " No , sir . We are not going to Kansas . We have a long weekend and we are just about to leave for it . " He laid the file back onto the desk when Smyth refused to take it . Smyth leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the desk . " So how are you enjoying married life , Scarecrow ? Waking up in the same bed , eating dinner with the family , homework and dessert after dishes ? Sounds idyllic , really … " His tone clearly stated that this was the farthest thing from idyllic he could imagine . He picked up the folder and re - extended it to the pair in front of him , thrusting it into Lee 's hands . " So much wedded bliss and you get to work together , too . How lucky can one couple be ? Just like the fairy tales , happy ever after . If you want to stay that way , I suggest that you pick up this folder and get your bags packed . You 're going after a witness for an Agency related case . Her name is Melanie Michaels and you will find her at the address included . " Lee , trembling with rage , began to throw the file back down . Amanda , seeing the glint in Smyth 's eye , and fearing that Lee 's outrage was precisely what the man wanted to see , laid her hand on Lee 's arm and intervenes . " Dr . Smyth , perhaps we need a bit more information . Who is this Michaels woman and what case is she involved in ? What does she look like ? Do you have a picture , in case we have to search for her , other than at that address ? " Smyth , now more than slightly angry himself , threw her placating manner back in her face . " No , Mrs . Stetson , I do not think you need a picture to do your job . I suggest that you get your tamed Scarecrow and get him on the plane to Kansas , now , before you only have the happily ever after in your own little castle . Despite obvious beliefs to the contrary , I am the head of this Agency , and if I want you separated , you will be separated ! " Smyth pushed the button that opened the door to the outer office and dismissed them with a wave of his hand . He then turned away once more . Lee started around the edge of the desk , but was stopped by his wife . She shook her head , pulled him through the door , and out of the suite . " Because he is the head of the Agency , just like he said . Lee , we don 't have any choice . Now , let 's just go see if Billy knows anything about this , okay ? " " Look , Lee , there is no sense in lying to them . We should just tell them that we have to go away on business , and that we will be back as soon as we can . " Amanda 's ever practical approach made sense to Lee , but he hated to think that his stepsons were going to believe that he was putting his job before them , just as their father had . He grimaced at her logic , but in the end , he agreed that her way was best . They descended to the family room , where the boys were watching TV , and broke the news . Lee and Amanda stood at the doorway to the family room , where both boys were , for once , quietly sharing the TV and the remote . Lee cleared his throat and began the conversation . " Uh hum , hey , guys , can we talk to you a minute ? " He approached the couch and perched on the arm , uneasily . He really hated doing this , and he really hated Smyth at this time more than ever . " We have to tell you something . " Amanda 's tone was calm and Lee drew his cue from her . He spoke quietly but firmly , hoping they would understand and believe that he and their mother were very sincere in their apologies . " We 're going to have to cancel the trip this weekend . Your mother and I have to go out of town for a few days and we have to leave tonight . " " Aw , man ! I knew it . I knew something would happen to get in the way . It was just too perfect . " Phillip shook his head in disgust . Just when they had Lee and their Mom all to themselves , work had to interfere . Amanda attempted to smooth the ruffled feathers . " Now , look , fellas , we 're just as disappointed as you are . We were really looking forward to this a whole lot . It just can 't be helped . " While Phillip continued to grouse , Jamie took in the expression on his stepfather 's face . What he saw surprised him . Lee really was sorry . It wasn 't like when his dad canceled and apologized . When that happened , the look on his face said he just wanted to get away as fast as possible and return to his own life , without his sons . " Hey , Phillip , they said they were sorry . Give ' em a break , huh ? " Jamie elbowed his big brother and nodded in Lee 's direction . His face had been growing increasingly somber and even Phillip knew that this was not the time to be a whining teenager . He nodded , suddenly understanding , " Oh , sure . We understand . " Lee and Amanda exchanged surprised glances . Lee studied their faces and asked , " Are you sure you understand ? I hate to disappoint you and me . I 've been really looking forward to spending some time with you two . I don 't want you to think I am going to make a habit of this , like your … well , like anyone else might . " Amanda had shot him a quelling look when she realized where he was going with that line of thought . Quickly , he rethought and rephrased . He really didn 't intend to put Joe down in front of his boys . He had promised himself he wouldn 't be that kind of a stepparent , and , so far , he had done well . " Right . And when you say that you will make it up to us , we know that you really mean it . " He grinned widely as his parents picked up on his obvious hint of bribery , offering forgiveness for an even better trip next time . Lee only shook his head and grasped both boys by the shoulders as he stood from his perch on the couch arm . " You know I will , we will . " He grinned at Amanda over their heads . " How about we do this later in the week ? Maybe we can stay another day and take a trip to that theme park you like so well ? " To their surprise , Phillip and Jamie took the change in plans quite well . They chose a philosophical approach . They agreed that they would return from their father 's early at the end of their spring vacation , and attempt to have their wilderness outing at that time . They also decided to go ahead to their father 's now . They didn 't want him to feel cheated of time with them when they told him that they would be returning three days earlier than planned . Phillip went off to tell his girlfriend of the change in their plans , while Jamie went to repack his bag for the trip to Joe 's apartment instead of the cabin . " We 'll only be gone a few days and there shouldn 't be any danger , so there is no need for you to worry while we 're gone . " " Well , Darling , if you are going … " Dotty began . Lee headed her off before she could finish that thought as well . " We are planning to be back in plenty of time to take the boys on our trip to the cabin next weekend , and they really do understand , so don 't feel like you have to go out of your way to do anything special with them , really , just enjoy your weekend away . " He smiled winningly and shrugged his shoulders . Dotty threw up her hand in exasperation . " Well , really ! If you two would stop trying to convince me long enough for me to speak , I can tell you what I want ! " Her daughter and son - in - law grew silent and sheepish in the face of her outburst . Amanda smiled hesitantly and shrugged her own slim shoulders in response . " Sorry , Mother . What is it you want to say ? " " Why , Lee , why would I have any objections ? You are both grown , responsible adults . And I am sure you know exactly what you are doing . " Dotty seemed truly perplexed . Lee and Amanda exchanged surreptitious glances . They could never predict what kind of reaction they were going to get from Dotty . Dotty waited for more interruptions . When no more were forthcoming , she began to explain again . " I would like for you to go to see my friend , Nancy . She is very sick . She has cancer and a very short time to live . I spoke with her on the phone last week and she was very worried about her daughter . I want her to know that she can call on me anytime . She was a very good friend , and if she needs me , I want her to know that I 'm here for her . " " Mother , I didn 't even know you knew anyone in Wichita . Of course , we will be happy to see her for you . " Amanda laid her hand on her mother 's on the counter between them . " Oh , I met Nancy while you were away at college . She was new to the area and we met at the grocery store . One thing led to another , we had tea , then lunch , and soon we were very close . It just broke my heart when she up and left . I so wanted to help her , but she wouldn 't let me and before I knew it she had moved . We 've kept in touch briefly over the years , and her call last week really upset me terribly . " Dotty smiled sadly and Lee found himself reaching out to comfort her . He laid his strong arm around her shoulders and hugged her , slightly . Dotty affectionately patted his hand . " It 's so nice to have a man in the house , Dear . There is nothing more comforting than a strong shoulder to lean on . And I don 't worry too much about you two as long as you 're together , you know . I promise , I won 't worry if you will just check in on Nancy and Melanie for me . Their last name is Michaels and here is their address . " Meanwhile , Lee and Amanda stared at each other in amazement . Lee shook his head before he began to speak . " No way , Amanda . There is simply no way that it can be the same person . I mean , what are the chances ? " " You 're right . Go ask your Mother if she has a picture of either Nancy or Melanie . I 'm going to tell Billy we need a background check on this Nancy Michaels . " Lee headed to the phone , and Amanda to the bedroom her mother occupied upstairs . She paused outside the door and tapped as she called out , " Mother ? May I come in ? " She eased the door open and found her mother sitting on her bed with a framed picture in her hand . " Mother , are you okay ? You 've been crying ! " " Yes . Look , this is the both of them . I got this just last week , right before I got the phone call . " She held out the photo , and Amanda saw a dark haired woman of about 45 with her arms around a lovely blond girl . Both wore big smiles and stared back at her through the glass with beautiful blue eyes . " They are so close , like you and me , Amanda . I 've never met Melanie , but I 've spoken with her on the phone , so often that I think I know her . " Dotty sighed and her shoulders slumped dejectedly . " I just wish I could help them . " " Mother , I know how you feel . And I promise that we will do anything we can for them while we are in Kansas . Do you mind if we take this picture ? " " Well , okay , just so that you are very careful with it . It is very dear to me . " Dotty clasped the picture to her chest , briefly , before handing it over , while staring thoughtfully at her daughter . " Amanda , why do you want the picture ? I gave you the address . And Nancy has seen pictures of you . I sent her a snapshot just last month of you and the boys . " Amanda held the picture in a manner similar to her mother 's , then leaned over to hug Dotty . " Mother , I may as well tell you , we 've been sent to Kansas to find someone and that someone 's name is Melanie Michaels . Now , we know that the chances are slim that it is the same person , but we 've seen more bizarre things happen , and my gut tells me that this is related . " " Yes , Mother , my gut , my instincts . Lee agrees with me . He 's asking for more information right now . " Amanda voice and face were sincere , so Dotty questioned no more . She only sighed mightily . Amanda patted her mother on the hand . " Oh , Mother , you 're so upset . Is there anything I can do for you ? " " No , Dear . I 'm going to stay in tonight . I 've already called Kurt before you came upstairs and told him . You go and hurry home . I 'll miss you both . " Amanda walked slowly downstairs , gazing at the smiling visages of the women in the photo before her . She felt deeply for their plight . How on Earth would she feel knowing that her mother was dying and that there was nothing she could do about it ? Not to mention how , as a mother herself , her own heart ached as she thought of leaving her boys alone and without the comfort and security of parents who loved them . She vowed to herself , right then and there , that no matter what Smyth was up to , she would do everything in her power care for and safeguard Melanie in the weeks that were to come . She would , also , try her best to comfort and reassure the dying Nancy that her daughter would be cared for , and to ease her passing from this world . Unaware that she had halted at the top of the landing and was leaning against the banister , Amanda was somewhat surprised when Lee called her name , dragging her back into the present . " Amanda ? What are you doing ? Are you all right ? " Lee stood at the base of the stairs and looked up at her , concern on his face . " What ? Oh , yes , I 'm fine . Sorry . I guess I sort of zoned out there for a minute . Lee , here is the picture of Nancy and Melanie . " She now rushed down the rest of stairs , holding the picture out to him . " Not much . He says Smyth isn 't talking and no one else seems to be aware of the case . I ran the names by him , but they didn 't ring any bells . He says he 'll let us know if he comes up with anything . " Lee shrugged as if to indicate that he wasn 't holding out much hope . " Well , I don 't like this . Something is wrong with the whole situation . Why on earth would he send us to bring in a kid ? And not mention the mother ? I just don 't like it , Lee . " She shook her head vigorously as she repeated her sentiment . Lee reached out to pull her close and rubbed his hands along her back . " Shhh … I know . I don 't like it either . Look , I 'll go get our bags and we 'll swing by the Agency before we head for the airport . We 'll get answers from Smyth , one way or the other ! " " Right ! " She headed to the family room to call the boys and yelled for her mother to come downstairs . " Boys , we 're leaving now . Come say goodbye . " She quickly grabbed both boys into hugs and kissed their heads . They ducked out quickly and headed back to the TV . They passed Lee on the way and exchanged hi - fives and ' see ya ' laters . ' Lee and Amanda both admonished them to behave in their absence , and kissed Dotty on the cheek on their way out the door . Lee paused long enough to whisper . " Don 't worry . I 'm going to take care of her and she 's going to take care of me . We always do . " Dotty smiled and patted his cheek . " I know , dear . I don 't worry , too much . " Amanda looked back to see what was holding up her husband , and grinned at his closeness to her mother . In many ways , Dotty seemed to have accepted Lee , not only as a son - in - law , but as a second child as well . Just like Amanda , mothering came naturally to the older woman and Lee never turned it down . That was quite a change from the Lee that Amanda had known just a few short years ago . The sight of this Lee and her mother together always made her smile . Lee and Amanda entered the hall outside the offices of Austin Smyth for the second time that day . The hour was late , and they weren 't sure that Smyth was , indeed , still there . They approached the receptionist , Ms . Tyler , and asked to see the man . Ms . Tyler , thinking to save her boss and herself from another late night , immediately began to tell them that Smyth was not available at that time . " I 'm sorry , Mr . Stetson , Dr . Smyth isn 't available right now . Perhaps you could make an appointment to see him in the morning ? " She stood as if to usher them out of the office . " NO , that won 't be possible , Ms . Tyler . We must see him tonight , now … " Lee began to step toward the inner door and put one hand on the knob only to feel the door swing open from the inside . Smyth stood framed in the doorway , looking the other man straight in the eye . " Scarecrow , what can I do for you ? Did you forget the way to the Emerald City ? Need me to call the Munchkins to show you to the right airport terminal ? " His tone mocked the Stetson 's and Lee began to grow angry again . " Now , you look here , Smyth … " Lee forced his way into the room , brushing past Smyth rather roughly . " Lee , let 's just discuss this rationally , all right ? " Amanda stepped into the office behind them with her hands outstretched . " Let 's just all sit down . Dr . Smyth , we need to ask you something about Melanie Michaels . " " Glenda , the good witch , always trying to maintain peace and harmony , eh ? Very well , what is it you want to know ? " Smyth retreated behind his desk and lit another of the thin cigarettes he preferred and inhaled through the elegant holder . Austin Smyth slowly laid down the cigarette and reached for the frame . His gaze swept the faces captured there , and for several long seconds , Amanda would have sworn that such a look of intense pain and anguish was seen in his eyes , that she very nearly reached out to comfort the man . She thought better of the action , and instead , sat in the chair directly across the desk from him , watching as the cool blue eyes took in every detail , then quickly shuttered themselves behind the same old mask of sardonic amusement . " Where did you get this ? " Smyth irreverently tossed the frame back at Amanda . " That 's not important . What is important is for you to answer the question . Is this the same person we are going to see ? " Lee spoke again , still obviously feeling angry toward the man across the desk . Amanda interceded again . " So this is the same person ? Dr . Smyth , we can 't just bring her in , she 's a minor . She has a mother and they have rights . Why do you want her so badly ? " " Not that I think it any of your business , Mrs . Stetson , but I suppose you have a need to know a bit of background . " Smyth paused just long enough for Scarecrow to become even angrier than before . Lee leaned to the edge of his chair to look directly into Smyth 's face . " Oh , yes , this time you had better believe we deserve to have more information . It 's our lives we 're putting on the line every time we go out into the field on some crazy stunt you 've dreamed up , not yours . " " It 's our family that 's sitting at home wondering if we 're coming home for dinner , or at all for that matter . It 's our children that miss us when we 're on some all night stake out , trying to bring in the bad guys , so that you can gloat up to the White House and take all the glory ! " Smyth , blown away by the pain that had overcome him as he heard Lee expound on all the things that he could have had with Nancy , and what he could only assume must be his child . Their child , had she not betrayed him so many years ago . He grew enraged at his loss and began to speak in the icy tones that had brought many other agents to their knees . " Don 't you dare throw your total lack of respect for the rules and regulations of this Agency in my face . You should be on your knees , both of you , thanking me for not breaking your partnership up , for not charging you with insubordination and everything else I can think of ! " Smyth paused for air in the midst of this diatribe , and Amanda decided to intervene once again before this situation grew totally out of hand . " Dr . Smyth , sir , we didn 't come here to argue with you . We just felt like we needed a little more information to do this job correctly and safely . " She picked up the previously discarded frame and weighed it thoughtfully in one hand , hoping to draw his attention to it . When his gaze had indeed come back to the photo and away from Lee , she added , " Safely , for everyone concerned . " Amanda turned to her husband , who had paced several steps away from the desk as she spoke , and raised one hand to his chest to stroke softly over his lapel . His fists were clenched tightly at his sides as he struggled to contain his temper . After several moments and the sound of Smyth turning to again face them , Amanda stepped away from him and together they approached the desk again . All three sat , and after a few seconds , Smyth began to speak . His normally sarcastic tone was subdued and he spoke in a near monotone . " Nearly twenty years ago , I worked in the field , just like you . I was under the direct supervision of Harry V . Thornton . He was still Section Chief , then , and had personally recruited me . Shortly after I started to work for the Agency , Thornton presented me with a partner . Her name was Nancy Michaels . She was one of the first women to be recruited to the field section of the Agency and I was to be her preceptor , her trainer , and eventually her partner . " Smyth stopped and relit the cigarette he had discarded during their previous ' discussion . ' He inhaled deeply , then continued in a slightly stronger tone of voice . " We had worked together for nearly three years when I was sent on a solo run to Europe . I returned to find that she had disappeared . Quit the agency and totally dropped out of site . I 've had no knowledge of her , until today , when a report of her and her daughter crossed my desk this morning . It said that they were living in Wichita , Kansas . " " Sir , if I might ask , why are you so concerned with her now ? Especially her daughter , Melanie ? " Amanda held the photograph , once again , tipped it toward Smyth , and pointed at the young , blond girl . Smyth , never once looking down at the picture or betraying the emotion in his heart by the tone of his voice , said , " Because when Nancy Michaels dies … she has cancer and has very little time to live … she will be leaving her daughter alone . Left to her own devices or with Nancy 's family , she might become just like the mother , a traitor . To prevent that , I , myself , am willing to take on her care . " He spoke the last quite calmly as if he confessed to the desire to raise an orphaned child everyday . He next stood and reached for his coat on the rack behind his desk . He pulled it on and walked past the stunned pair to the outer door . He looked back and offered one more comment . " Now , I suggest that you do not miss that plane . Or else , you will be coming back to separate offices and separate jobs ! " Lee shook his head and answered , " I 'm not sure . We still don 't have the whole story . I 'm sure of that much , anyway ! " " We 're going to Kansas . Come on , or we 'll miss our plane . Suddenly , I 'm very eager to see just what this Nancy Michaels has to say about all this . " Lee grabbed her hand . They rushed out of the Agency , headed for Dulles and their plane . Chapter Five At least Marshall knew him as an old informant . Ricky just thought he was a good , although strange , friend of the family . For several years now , Nicky Donner had been calling his dad and leaving weird messages , or just showing up at unexpected times and pulling his dad away for private conversations . His dad always seemed glad to see him , and Nicky usually always had pocket change he was willing to pass on to the younger Ricky . As Ricky grew older , sometimes , Nicky even slipped him the odd cigarette or a can of beer . So when the phone rang at ten thirty Friday night , and Ricky heard his dad greet the other man , he wasn 't extremely surprised to see Marshall leaving for the bar shortly afterward . What had surprised him was Marshall 's agreeing to let his son accompany him , for the first time . Ricky had recently turned eighteen , and while he still wasn 't of legal drinking age , he could enter the bar and drink soda as his father nursed his whiskey . Besides , sometimes , Marshall overindulged and Ricky felt better knowing that he was available to drive him home when the night was over . As he imagined how he would offer his best line , he heard Nicky enter and loudly yell at his old man . " Hey , Marsh ! You no good , cheating , whiskey - drinking son of a gun ! How ya been ? " Ricky rolled his eyes and saw his father jump up to return the sentiment in equally fond terms , and he used the distraction as his chance to escape to try his opening line on the cute little blond , who was also eyeing him . Ricky totally forgot them both as the blond took his hand and led him to the dance floor way in the back of the room . Big , burly Nicky lit his cigarette and took a long drag through thin , hard lips . His dark eyes watched Henderson intently as if determining how to play this little exchange to his best advantage . He and Marshall had had this little arrangement for quite some time now , years , to be exact . Nicky listened to the air around him and heard interesting things . Then , he 'd call good ole Marsh , who paid him big bucks to tell him what he heard . Marshall finished his shot of whiskey , ordered another , and finally looked to the man across from him . " Well ? What have you heard ? Is she really there ? " " Yep . She 's there . Been there for about seventeen years now . Seems to have settled in Wichita after leaving DC and never left . " He shrugged his shoulders , and the black , serpent adorned T - shirt stretched over the large biceps . " She 's been living a nice quiet suburban life , with her daughter Melanie . " " Daughter ? What daughter ? " Henderson looked genuinely surprised . He 'd been watching out for Nancy Michaels since she had left DC years ago . He just wanted to make sure that she followed directions , so that he kept his own hide intact . Unfortunately , she 'd been well trained , and when she disappeared , she disappeared completely . " The one she had about six and a half months after moving there . " Nicky watched as the other man 's eyes gleamed with the information and knew that he would be well paid tonight . " Why now ? Why is she contacting the Agency now ? It 's been nearly two decades . If she was going to talk , she would have already would have , damn it . " Henderson slapped the small table and sloshed his whiskey over the rim of the glass . " Maybe she didn 't contact them ? Maybe they found her ? You said yourself that Smyth still works for the Agency . Maybe he still wants her ? " " No , I saw Austin Smyth after he came back from searching for her all those years ago . He was through with her and all women . He never bothered to remarry or get attached in any way . " Marshall Henderson recognized the message . He reached for his wallet and began to leaf through the bills . He pulled out two one hundred dollar bills and laid them on the table between them . He left one finger on the corner of the bills and waited for the rest of the information . Nicky thought briefly , then nodded . He pulled the bills toward him , pausing as Henderson resisted . " Yeah , I think she 's Smyth 's . And according to my sources , soon , she 's gonna be an orphan . " The finger on the corner of the bills lifted , and Henderson watched as the other man swiftly pocketed it . " How ? " " The broad has cancer . Only got a few weeks to live . " Nicky Donner shrugged as if this was inconsequential to him . Marshall thought about this newest twist . What if Smyth was looking for Nancy and the girl ? Who knew ? Maybe Nancy would feel compelled to confess all when she was reunited with her lost love . He wasn 't about to take any chances . Henderson hailed the nearest waitress and inquired about his son , Ricky . After learning that he was on the dance floor in the back of the bar , he sent the girl to bring the boy back to his table . Nicky left after promising to keep Henderson informed of any further developments , and soon , Ricky appeared with the small blond attached to his right arm . " The flight you are going to book for us as soon as we get home . I 've got some business to attend to . So you 're going home to call the airlines , and I 'll join you as soon as I get done . " Marshall Henderson stood and left several bills on the table to cover his bar tab . He pulled his credit card from his wallet and handed it to the young man . " Use this and we 'll pick up the tickets at the airport . " The next day , after an overnight layover in St . Louis , Lee and Amanda arrived in Wichita promptly at 11 : 00 A . M . They stopped to rent a car and get directions to the Wichita Royale Hotel , where they planned to stay . Half an hour later , Lee and Amanda were on their way . " I hope you 're getting this out of your system . It won 't do us any good if you 're still upset . I think Dr . Smyth is more concerned with Nancy Michaels than our hotel , " Amanda said in an attempt to calm down her partner . " Smyth will find a way to blame us for it . I swear , that man does these things on purpose , so he 'll have a reason to separate us , " Lee continued . He took a look at the directions . " Turn left at the next stoplight . " " I can barely sit in this thing , let alone drive it . This makes the ' Vette look like a limo . You 'd think , at eleven in the morning , the rental places would have a better selection of cars . " " The man at the last counter explained that they don 't get the cars in for the day until noon . " Amanda reminded him as she turned into the hotel parking lot . As soon as Amanda parked the car , Lee quickly eased out . They retrieved their luggage from the trunk and walked to the hotel lobby . " Good morning , Sir , " the desk clerk addressed Lee as he and Amanda stopped at the front desk . " The man who made your reservation insisted on it , " the clerk answered as he handed Lee a set of keys . " He told me to give you a message . ' Do as you are told , or this will be the last time Scarecrow and his beloved work together as partners . ' Strange man , " the clerk stroked his chin , " he kept talking in riddles and rhymes . I hope you have a nice stay . " " I 'm not the Avon lady , " Amanda assured her . " My name is Amanda Stetson . My mother is a friend of your mother 's . Her name is Dotty West . My husband and I are here to visit your mother on my mother 's behalf . " Melanie looked up from her book and studied Amanda 's face . " I recognize you from the picture Mrs . West sent us . My mother is out back . She likes to sit out there with her flowers . " Melanie paused for a few seconds . " I 'll take you to her . " Nancy stood and reached for the coffee pot . Shakily , she struggled to lift it . Amanda noticed and said , " Why don 't I pour the coffee ? I don 't want you to overexert yourself , for us . " " Is there anything we can do for you ? " Amanda asked , distress evident in her voice . " How is Melanie coping with this ? " " It 's always been just the two of us , " Nancy said sadly . " It 's going to be really hard on her when I go . " Lee decided that it was time to move onto the other purpose of their visit . " Ms . Michaels . . . " he began . " Please , call me Nancy , " she answered . " Nancy , this isn 't just a social call . " Lee 's eyes met hers . " Amanda and I work for the Agency . Our boss , Dr . Smyth , sent us here . " Nancy stood there in shock . She never thought that she would ever hear the words " the Agency " again . Sitting back down in her lawn chair , Nancy asked , " Do you mean Austin Smyth ? " Nancy sat there for a few minutes . " Why does he want you to do that ? " Amanda explained , " He told us that you had been his partner and had suddenly disappeared while he was on an overseas assignment . He discovered that you were dying and he wants to take care of Melanie when , " Amanda paused awkwardly . " Well , when you 're gone , so that she has a better life . " " Better than what ? " Nancy wanted to know . " I can 't believe this . He thinks I 'm a traitor , " she shrugged her shoulders and turned to study the bed of tulips before her . " I knew he would be devastated when I left , but I never thought he would think bad things of me . Austin and I were more than partners . We were husband and wife . " Lee and Amanda were speechless . Dr . Smyth had been married to his partner . " You see , the penalties were very strict for agent partners who became romantically involved . Austin and I fell in love and married in secret . I was forced to leave him all those years ago , but I 'm no traitor . " She sighed and pointed toward the door , " Why don 't we go inside and I 'll tell you what happened ? " Lee helped Nancy to her feet and escorted her inside . She led a stunned Lee and Amanda into the living room . As soon as everyone was comfortably seated , Nancy began her story . " Austin was on an overseas assignment . One month before his return , I went to see my doctor and discovered that I was pregnant . After my appointment , I went to work . . . " Nancy strolled into the Georgetown foyer . Nothing could ruin her great mood . Noticing her good friend , Marge Marston , she said , " Morning , Marge . Today 's password is ' blue ribbon . ' " Nancy nodded . " I will . " Then , she added with a smile , " See you at one . " Nancy entered the elevator and pressed the button to the bottom floor , the location of Martin Miller 's office . Nancy entered the office . Marshall Henderson , Martin Miller 's assistant , sat talking with his boss . Suddenly , the conversation stopped and Henderson rose and left the office . " Agent Michaels , how nice of you to join me . " Martin Miller motioned to a chair . " Please sit down , " he sarcastically said as Nancy entered his office . A dazed Nancy couldn 't believe it . ' How did he find out ? ' she wondered . After taking a few seconds to compose herself , she said , " I have no idea what you 're talking about . Austin and I are just partners . " " Don 't give me that . I have proof that you and Agent Smyth are married , " Miller barked . He took an envelope from his desk . He opened the envelope and removed a slip of paper and several photographs , and handed them to Nancy . Nancy looked at the items . They included a copy of her and Austin 's marriage license , their wedding picture , and several other more compromising photographs . Studying each item carefully , she demanded , " Where did you get these ? " " I 'm giving you a choice , you can stay here with your husband and take your punishment , together , or you can disappear , out of his life never to be heard from again . If you stay here , I promise that I 'll make both of your lives miserable . I can ' produce ' evidence that 'll make it appear that you and Smyth are working with the Russians . However , if you leave , I 'll take Austin under my wing and give him the training and guidance he 'll need to become head of the Agency . No charges will be brought up against either of you , " he lowered his voice , " and no one will learn the truth . " A sinister edge punctuated his words as he added , " I 'd hate for anything to interfere with your health . " Nancy looked at him in disbelief . She couldn 't believe what he 'd said . She put her hand on her stomach . If she stayed here , not only would Austin 's career be ruined , something might happen to her baby . Miller noticed Nancy 's placement of her hand , and took advantage of her shock at the turn of events . " I know you are expecting a child . You underwent the semi - annual Agency physical last week , and I just received the results this morning . You don 't want to stay here and possibly lose your baby , now , do you ? " The tone of his voice was threatening . " Taking the second option will be the best for everyone involved . " He got out two envelopes and handed them to her . " These envelopes contain your resignation from the Agency and the letter you 'll leave Agent Smyth . You need only to sign the resignation letter and copy the other letter in your own handwriting . Now , which option are you going to take ? " He looked at Nancy , waiting for her to make her move . Nancy opened the envelope containing the letter of resignation and signed the letter inside . " Does this answer your question ? I would do anything to keep Austin out of trouble , not to mention , protect the life of our child . But , you knew that , didn 't you ? " He never answered her question . " After you copy the other letter in your own writing , you are to finish the day . Come back here at five . To make sure you do as you are told , after you leave the Agency today ; I will accompany you to Los Angeles . In addition , I will tap Smyth 's phone lines , bug his apartment , and read his mail . Keep that in mind if you ever try to contact him , because if you do , both of you will be brought up on charges . Do you understand ? " Nancy paused . She took a couple of breaths and continued , " After I left his office , I went to my cubicle and cleared out my desk . I decided to get out of there as soon as I could , without him knowing . I left the Agency and cleared my belongings from Austin 's apartment and my own . I met Marge for lunch and told her everything . She promised to keep quiet . She gave me the address of her sister in Wichita , Kansas . After we said goodbye , I went to visit Dotty . She wanted to help , but for her own good , I couldn 't let her get involved . I used her phone to make airplane reservations under an assumed name . By the time I was supposed to meet Miller in his office , I was in Wichita . " With the memory still fresh in her mind , she started to feel overwhelmed . Holding back her tears , she finished her story . " I stayed underground until I gave birth to Melanie . Marge called and told me that Austin and everyone else from the Agency had stopped looking for me . That it was okay to come out of hiding . For her safety , I insisted that she not keep in contact with . I 've been here ever since . " " Wow , " Amanda said , trying to get the image of a brokenhearted Dr . Smyth out of her head . " Nancy , I 'm sorry that happened to you , but I 've gotta ask this . Did Dr . Smyth always talk in rhymes and riddles ? Was he cold and sarcastic ? " Lee asked , a sheepish smile upon his face . " No , he was a warm , fair , and honest man . He always watched out for me while we were in the field . He was compassionate , sincere , and filled with love . " She paused . With sadness reflecting in her voice , she continued , " The man you 're describing sounds like Martin Miller . He said he would take Austin under his wing . I can 't believe Austin turned into him . " She shivered at the thought . " I guess my leaving was the final straw . The day of our wedding , Austin 's whole family was killed in a fire . All he had left were his career and … well , me . Austin had worked too hard for his career to be ruined . I had to leave for his sake and the sake of our child . " Nancy burst into tears . " Don 't be too hard on yourself , " Amanda said as she walked over and slipped her arm around the older woman 's shoulders in an attempt to comfort her . " You did what you had to do . We know what the Agency is like . We understand and we 'll help you to make him understand . " Lee ran his hand through his hair . As much as he hated Smyth , he could identify with how the man must have felt at the sudden disappearance of his wife . Lee shuddered at the thought . Against his better judgment , he heard himself saying , " Amanda 's right . " We 'll help you reach him . " Marshall drove down the street . He pretended to go to a movie with Ricky . As soon as Ricky had sat down in his seat and distracted by the film , Marshall left the movie theater . Although the Michaels woman 's house was within walking distance , Marshall took the rental car . The Wichita Mall proved itself the perfect hiding place ; large enough to allow him to hide , yet , small enough to make a quick escape . It had an empty store to hide in , and plenty of things to distract Ricky and keep him from asking questions . Parking the car a couple of houses away , he got out and walked to the Michaels ' house . On the front porch sat a beautiful young , blond girl . She was reading a book . Marshall took out a bottle of chloroform and a washcloth from his pocket . He put a little of the chloroform on the washcloth and covered Melanie 's nose with it as she started to struggle . Within seconds Melanie passed out , Marshall took the book out of her hands , lifted her up , and carried her to his car . He didn 't notice that he 'd dropped his movie ticket stub , or that it had gone under the porch . Marshall started the car and drove off with Melanie safely stowed in the backseat . " I guess , I 'd better go get Melanie and explain all of this to her , " Nancy said as she got up . " I 'll be right back . " " I still can 't believe that Dr . Smyth was ever able to feel love , " Lee admitted . " Now that I think about it , it explains a lot of things to me , " Amanda told him . " Especially his reaction to our marriage . I thought for sure that he would separate us . " " Melanie 's gone , " Nancy cried hysterically . " Her book 's still here . Melanie wouldn 't go anywhere without telling me ; her car 's still in the driveway . " Amanda put her arm around Nancy to console her . " Let 's go inside . I 'll get you a cup of tea , then Lee and I will call Dr . Smyth . " An upset Nancy shook her head . " No , don 't call him . Call the police first , better yet let me call some neighbors . Maybe she went to talk to one of them . " Lee , Amanda , and Nancy went back inside . Nancy tried to lay down on the sofa , but was too agitated to stay still . Amanda went into the kitchen . Ten minutes later , Amanda returned with a cup of tea and two coffees . " I was just about to . Why don 't you call and tell him . Maybe he 'll take the news better from you , " Lee suggested . She identified herself and reported , " Dr . Smyth , we have a bit of a problem . It seems that . . . I don 't know how to tell you this , but it appears that Melanie Michaels was kidnapped while we were talking to Nancy . " Amanda said the words as delicately as possible , expecting the worst . After a few seconds , Amanda hung up the phone . Three hours later , Austin Smyth stepped out of a limo and turned to tip the driver . He noticed that Scarecrow and the housewife were talking to neighbors . Satisfied they were doing an effective search , he picked up his garment bag and walked to the front door . As soon as he got to the door , he knocked . The door opened . Nancy stood in the doorway , leaning to one side for support . Despite the paleness of her skin and her thinning hair , she looked as beautiful as the day he had met her . " Come in , " a nervous Nancy said as she led the way . She couldn 't believe that Austin was here . The only thing that kept her from running away was the fact that her daughter could be in danger . " Why did you leave ? " Austin , temporarily forgetting why he 'd come , calmly asked the one question that had been burning in the back of his mind for seventeen long years . As she and Austin sat , Nancy said with tears in her eyes , " While you were away , Martin Miller found out about our marriage . He gave me two options . Have your career ruined by staying , or leave and save the position you worked so hard to reach . " " He 'd have thrown me in a holding cell . I couldn 't warn you . An Agency holding cell wouldn 't have been the best place for me in my condition . My two concerns were you and our unborn child . " Her hands balled up in agitation . Austin and Nancy raced to the phone . " Hello , " Nancy said as their heads moved closer , so both could hear the conversation . " I 've got Melanie , " a male voice said . " It 's nice you could join us Smyth . This is Marshall Henderson . I 'm the one who told Old Man Miller about your marriage to Nancy . You see , it was the only way I could protect myself . I couldn 't have Nancy tell him that I was working for the Russians , now , could I ? " " She 's safe . I 'm keeping her until you die . The only way you 're getting her back is if you keep quiet about my double - dealing . Do you both understand ? " The desperation was evident in his voice . He was still worried after all these years . " I 'm all Melanie has . She 'll be devastated if she 's not here when … when I … " She looked pleadingly at Austin . " I had … " Nancy started sobbing . " I want Melanie with me when I died . I had no idea Marshall Henderson was working for the Russians . " Austin took her into his arms . " I 'll get her back . I promise you , " he said in fierce determination . " I 'll get her back . " He turned to Lee and Amanda , who had been standing in the doorway since the beginning of the phone call . " Go back outside and see if you can find any clues that might help us find the girl . I don 't care if you 've already searched . Search again . " " A movie stub with today 's date and a starting time of just over three hours ago . Melanie and Nancy were here then . It must belong to whoever took her ! " She looked up at her partner and explained , " I found it under the porch . I 'll bet it fell out of Henderson 's pocket when he grabbed Melanie . " " It 's not very far from here . Go onto Lincoln . Go down a block and turn left on Bluffview . Keep on Bluffview . When you get to Harry , you 'll see the mall . " " That man has my daughter . I promised Nancy I would get her back . I want King to come with me . You stay here and that 's an order . " Five minutes later , Ricky holding Melanie 's hand , led her out of the mall . " I 'm so sorry . I had no idea my father would do something like this . Do you know why he kidnapped you ? " " It 's nothing . I don 't understand it . If I hadn 't seen it for myself , I would have doubted you . My father doesn 't go around kidnapping people . I want no part of this . I only wish I 'd rented my own car . " " I think we should call the police when we get to my house . We better get moving . I don 't want him catching up with us . Good thing my house 's not too far . Otherwise , we might be in trouble . " " As soon as my father realizes you 're are gone , he 's going to come after us . He has a bad temper . If I can distract him , you can still get away , " Ricky explained with a serious expression on his face . " Yes , " she nodded , her eyes darting back toward the mall . " I 'm okay . This is Ricky . His father took me from the house . Ricky helped me get away from him . " " Sir , there are lots of people around the mall . Henderson 's going to realize that Melanie 's gone , and he 's going to look for her . He 'll probably be in the parking lot . If he sees you , I don 't think he 'd make himself known . You stay in the car while I distract him . As soon as Henderson 's distracted , you come up from behind , " Amanda instructed . She approached Henderson . " Excuse me , but I 'm lost . Can you help me ? " she asked . " I 'm sorry , but I 'm in a hurry , " Henderson replied , trying to get past Amanda . Marshall spun around at the sound of his enemy 's voice . As Smyth moved closer to him , Marshall reached for Amanda . He pulled out his gun , pointed it at her , and yelled , " Leave me alone or the pesky lady dies . " People started to gather in the parking lot to watch from a distance . " I don 't believe you , " Henderson growled . " You won 't shoot . " He tugged Amanda closer to his side , preparing to pull the trigger . " I 'm going to kill her . " Smyth fired his gun , and Henderson dropped , limp , to the ground . Amanda quickly reached down and picked up Henderson 's gun . The police arrived as people started to gather in closer around the scene of the shooting . Smyth and Amanda produced their Federal ID 's and for the officer . " He isn 't dead , " Smyth told him . " He 'll be in a lot of pain when he wakes up , but he isn 't dead . " " It was all too much for Nancy . She 's lying down in her room . Nancy wouldn 't allow us to get any help until you got back , despite Melanie 's arguments . Melanie is with her now , " Lee gently told them . He turned to Dr . Smyth . " They want you in there with them . " Melanie left as Austin went to Nancy 's side . " Nancy , I understand why you left , but I wish you 'd waited for me to come back before you did . We could have faced Martin Miller together . You could have called me sometime during these past few years . " " That didn 't matter to me . It stopped mattering to me when I fell in love with you . I would have given up everything to be with you . " He knelt at her bedside and gently lifted her hand , stroking the delicate skin on her wrist as he spoke . " It wouldn 't have been a sacrifice . I only wanted to be with you . You were the only family I had left . " Wonder tinged his voice as he asked , " If you hadn 't been pregnant , would you have waited for me ? " " Yes , I would have waited for you . But I couldn 't chance anything bad happening to our baby . " She clutched his hands in hers as she begged him to understand and forgive what she had done . " For that reason , I believe you did what was for the best . Of course , you would have done the best thing for our child . I always knew you 'd be a wonderful mother . " He paused and reflected on all the lost years between them . Hanging his head , he berated himself , " I should never have stopped searching for you . " " Hi , " Melanie said . " I hardly know you , but I 've loved you for as long as I can remember . Mama said that you would have loved me , too , if you had known me . I didn 't believe her at first , but , after a while , I understood . " Father and daughter broke from their embrace . Austin took one of Nancy 's hands , Melanie took the other , then , they closed the circle by taking hold of each other 's . They spent one night together as a family . They would never spend another . Nancy Michaels was cremated the day after her death . Her will stated that her ashes would be spread around the cherry blossoms in a ceremony including Mrs . Marston and Dotty . Austin , Melanie , Lee , and Amanda sat in silence on their way back to DC . Austin held Nancy 's urn tightly in his arms . Lee and Amanda exchange grins that seemed to say , " This girl is going to change the old man for the better . ' " Father , what 's going to happen to Ricky ? " Melanie asked in a thoughtful tone . " He wasn 't part of his father 's plans . He isn 't being punished , is he ? " Melanie smiled . " That 's good . " She shifted around uncomfortably in her seat . " I have to go to the bathroom . Exactly where is it ? " " Listen up , you two . Don 't think that this little adventure gets you off the hook with me and the Agency . " Smyth observed the Stetsons as they sat across from him , holding hands . They exchanged incredulous looks . After all they had done for this man … " Just because I personally agree that you two belong together , in every sense of the word , doesn 't mean I 'm willing to openly approve of your insubordination or throw away all those years of you into the fine working team that you 've become , " Smyth smirked . |
Well , the story of the Dibbuk Box is one of a kind . If u don 't know about it watch the Deadly Possessions episode , " Dibbuk Box . " The fact that it was buried in the ground for 10 years , then dug up and brought to Las Vegas is just scary crazy . This box is evil and dangerous and now it 's in the room with us . While the interview with Jason Haxton , owner of the Dibbuk Box , the room got the oddest feeling ever . This dibbuk box is no joke ; u can feel its energy . As the interview was going on , I was asked if I wanted to touch the dibbuk box . Something inside me said it was ok , and after a moment of thinking , I went for it . I put both of my hands on top of the box and immediately felt its energy . I zoned out and could feel this energy slowly go up both my arms . It felt numb and warm . It was like I was standing a block from the box even though I was only a foot away . There were never any bad feelings of danger . It was like we were both feeling each other out . It was like when a scary dog lets u pet it and you 're both cool with each other . After a bit of time , I snapped out of it and let it go . I would say I was touching it for about a minute , but I never felt threatened or anything like that at the time . It was almost like it was ok for me to do that ; the box 's energy was checking my energy out . Then the man who had owned the box years ago came in . The vibe changed right away . There was a nervous feeling in the room . Having no idea what he would do , I listened to the frightening story of what happened when his mom opened the box . I started wondering if I would be ok . As we let him go down stairs to have time with the box , we found out that he was doing something odd . I feel that he let the spirit out of the box . As were all listening to him in shock , I felt some sort of energy hold onto my leg like it was someone scared . My first thought was , " Oh shit . I touched the box in a nice and calm energy kind of way . So is the spirit of the box now holding me ? " Who knows ? I felt it was , but not in a bad way . After about 2 hours I started noticing odd signs . I felt numb and a little nervous for a bit , as if something was affecting my energy . We filmed at the church later that night . While shooting , there was about thirty minutes that I couldn 't see well . Everything was a blur . As I was filming , I could see the screen because of a white cloud that covered my vision . We heard that this could happen after touching the box . I started to get nervous , but after we left the church I was fine . My dreams for the next for four nights were so scary . I kept feeling that there was something in my room . I had dreams that felt like some person kept waking me up from . I woke up from these dreams and saw gray . For the first couple of days I slept really badly . I kept napping all day and it just felt off . Time has passed and now I 'm ok . It was just a lot to deal with knowing that box 's power . Part of me thinks it will stick around until the box is buried again , or something from it will linger . Something throughout the night still wakes me up all the time . It 's gotta be the spirit from the box or something else by now . It 's tough to say because we 've investigated ever other week for the last 9 years , so who knows what kind of energy is just hanging around and waking me up . We never have down time , but that keeps us always on our game . So , it could be another spirit just messing with me now , but who knows ? I do know I love my job J and everyday is different . This lockdown was one I will never forget . I still think about it . I have done many lockdowns , but for some reason this one caused me to … Over the eight years many lockdowns have taught me so much about my life 's journey . This lockdown at the domes … I thought it was going to be bad , but weeks later it ended up being good for me . Now there is only so much time during the lockdown for evidence ; there 's not enough time to show it all . We could have had a three - hour hour episode with so much going on that night . The moment I experienced in the dome as the craziness happened was a personal one that I want to share . We were mid - investigation when we tried using the spirit box , but nothing came through until the question was asked , " Who do you want to talk to ? " Then , a female 's voice said , " Aaron . " Nothing happened with the spirit box after that . I was a bit worried but we were distracted with other things that lead us to other places . It was like the spirits were luring us away , or they were running around us to attack . Time passed , and Zak sent me alone to the domes where we just captured the amazing shadow figure and that had seen satanic rituals in the past . I was armed with only my camera and Ovilus as i headed into the dome alone to where the rituals happened . I didn 't know what was going on with Billy . I had no idea that he had the picture of Jesus , or that was doing the prayer at the same time I was in the dome . As I sat there alone in the dome , the Ovilus was on point . It said , " Aura , " which means it was talking about mine . It said , " Sit , " which I was . I now know why it said , " Jesus , " as Billy was doing his investigation . Why it said , " Disaster , " then , " demon . " What Billy was reading was related to what the Ovilus was saying . After all of this , I started to relax . Ovilus then said , " Lesser . " I just relaxed my energy . I knew something was happening , so i just went with it . i remember it said , " Focus . " i felt like I was . I was like a Jedi focused on what was going on around me . No joke , I thought about the Jedi way . It sounds funny or odd , but they kinda have it right in many ways . So I felt focused , and then I heard foot steps running around . I called to the guys , but there was no answer . Without even knowing what Billy was going through , and with the guys focused on him , I just stayed calm and waited for more . The Ovilus said , " Spot , " and I replied , " I 'm spot on ? " Then , I heard out - loud , " That 's right . " I could feel something walk up on me . The Ovilus started saying , " Traveled . Born . Rewind . " I started to feel like I was in a ritual . The spirits where doing it again , but this time it was with me . I turned on the SP 11 Spirit Box so I could get another way to communicate . The noise of it was so loud … It seemed to echo even louder . I looked over to my left and saw a clocked figure standing there . This being wasn 't wearing a hood , but you could tell it had a cloak on . The head looked like the the big - horned bad guy in the movie Legend , but with a skinner face . Then all of a sudden , i could see its eyes glow red , and what looked like a glowing red blood stream spiral running up its horns . I followed the stream right up before the red got to the tip of its horns . I quickly stopped and looked away , stood up , and stated walking . Something deep down told me not to watch the red glow finish its trip up to the tip of the horn . It told me not to look back . After I left the dome , I walked around the desert for about twenty minutes and tried to gather my thoughts about what I was feeling . I could hear the guys calling for me . I finally got to them . I was in a fog and just wanted to walk home . It was the oddest feeling . I went back to the dome after a while to pick up the gear . As I walked up to the circle and the Ovilus I said out loud , " I know I was supposed to be here and go through what I did , but is there anything else you need to tell me ? " The Ovilus then said , " Complete . " I then felt the dome was empty ; I was the only one in there . The energy had left . Ok so you might be thinking , " What the … Aaron ? " But as I picked up the gear , I noticed something different . I couldn 't put my finger on it at the time , but after the next few weeks , I had realized it . My stress level was way down . If I became stressed , I snapped out of it faster then normal . This goes with with me just being down , lonely , or sad . When I was like that , something would snap me out of it . It was almost a feeling inside doing it . When this would happen , my first thought was about the domes even though time had passed , and it wasn 't even a thought in my brain any more . My energy felt alined with my thoughts and what was around me . I was walking around the casino and something inside me told me to play that slot machine . I played it and won . I never thought of the dome much or the spirit I saw , but I had dreams about him for about a month after . I feel it was a powerful dark male spirit , but it went away . I hadn 't thought about it until now with the episode airing . It was an odd moment in time for sure . I 'm not sure why that spirit was nice to me , but it was . Some bad spirits just might be good to some people , or maybe something happened that night that helped that spirit . Who knows ? I guess I will find out in the afterlife . Now , me saying all this it might sound spooky to you . For me , I understand what happened in that dome that night . It was something good for the bigger picture . I won 't know until I pass , but I feel it as a thank you . Ok , I 'm not saying it was a good thing or a bad thing , I have no idea , but the thing is something that was done . Good or bad , it happened and it was completed . To this day , I feel different still . I feel wiser and calmer most the time at least . Time will tell me to learn more . I will go through many more of these moments . It 's my job and it 's awesome . So Deadwood was one of the scariest moments that I 've had in a while . Aside from the town being so haunted and full of ghosts , this will be one place that I 'll never forget . Here 's why : while upstairs investigating alone , right after being touched , I felt something that I 've never felt before . It was a panic attack from a spirit . I was in the hallway after investigating that last room and just needed a moment to calm down . After a minute , I felt something walk up to me . I was in pitch darkness , but felt as if a man was standing face to face with me . Then this panic set in . I heard a breath and felt it hit me . I jumped back as I started having a terrible panic attack that must have lasted only for a minute but it felt like it lasted forever . There was no one around . I gathered myself and charged out of there to meet the guys . Now here 's where it scared me more : for about two weeks after my panic attack , I could be walking around my house or wherever and suddenly freeze up . I would then feel a breeze hit my face as something walked up to me . It didn 't take me long to realize that whatever did this to me in Deadwood had now followed me home . Later , while watching fireworks , I had another attack . I saw one firework fall over and point right at me . I quickly got up and moved . Thankfully , nothing happened and I sat back down . Then bam ! Full on panic attack . There were people around , but it was like they weren 't there to me . I felt so far away from them . I was hoping for help but couldn 't talk . I realized what was happening and decided to ride it out for a while . I needed to endure this attack instead of freaking out . What I thought was only ten minutes ended up being more like forty - five . I checked my heart rate with my Fit Bit and saw that it was 140 beats per minute . Someone asked me if I was ok and I snapped out of it . I got up and walked around . Nothing happened … until I sat back down . I felt that breath on me again as I sat . It wouldn 't let me get up . I tried and tried for like another forty - five minutes before I was able to stand up again . I 've had some more small moments since then , but after a while , they slowly went away . I now truly know what a panic attack is . Having these attacks because of a spirit was no joke . I can only imagine how tough it is for people who get them regularly . Every lockdown teaches me something new . This one taught me I 'm alone on this journey in my life , and the only thing I have is just me and my aura . We 've been through a lot together . Deadwood is now just a panic attack that 's followed me in memory . I 've left that feeling behind . People ask me all the time if I cleanse myself from spirits . The answer ? No , I don 't . I believe that there are reasons why I was chosen for this . There are the reasons I know , and there are reasons that I won 't know until I pass on to the next life . I don 't cleanse myself because I know that I 'm going to go right back out there and do it again the following week . I feel that if I cleanse myself , I won 't get the same interaction with spirits . I 've done it before , and all hell broke loose on me and my life . I decided a long , long time ago that I would just roll with the stuff that followed me home and learn from the experiences . I have learned much from doing these investigations for so long ; I now know why they follow me … but that 's a whole other story . There are three spirits that follow me most of the time . How do I know ? I communicate with them at home . They have helped me through life even though they are bad spirits . If I come home from hunting and something has followed me home , the three spirits end up seeming to fight the new presence . My house gets so active , and even at times scary , but after a few days all usually goes back to normal . Normal , as in it 's just me and my three spirits . Who are these spirits ? Well , one is the spirit from Bobby Mackey 's Music World . I thought it was a bad spirit at first , but after time I learned that this entity guided me to where I needed to be . It kept me alone and forced me to learn how to live with spirits . I saw that dealing with this spirit was for the best even though I went through a tough time because of it . The second spirit is something that I picked up in Scotland . I call it the vampire energy . I met some people in Scotland that performed a test on me to see how my energy was . The experiment would be something that changed me forever . I can 't tell you exactly what the experiment was or what it was supposed do . There are other groups out there that claim that something threw blood or whatever , but I learned from the pure source and not some wannabe source . I can say that this test was supposed to show a cut on one 's hand if they were part of something significant from the past . Seven cuts appeared on my hand , and let 's just say they thought I was something special . This person told me about the following three years of my life and when that period was done , I would be in Romania . I didn 't think much of it at the time , but this person was dead on . Things would transpire through the years that the source told me would happen . Everything that was said to me came true . I believe that the energies that followed me point in the direction I need to go and guide me on my journey . I 'm not claiming that I 'm a vampire or anything like that , but the source that tested me was . The third spirit is the witch from Jamaica . I wanted to put this whole " follow me home spirits " thing to the test . I was going to make sure that I was right . After the two spirits that followed me home , I thought why not ? I wanted to see if a spirit really could stay with you . As I walked into the forest where her grave was , I gave myself a few minutes before I started to roll the cameras . I walked up to her grave , got down on my knees , placed my hands on her tomb , and silently meditated until we connected . I connected with her spirit during the interviews , so during the investigation that night I returned to how I felt when we communed earlier . After I felt her energy , I opened my eyes and stretched my left arm to the center of her grave . I took the side of my thumb and placed it on her tomb . As I pulled back my hand , some of my thumb 's skin scraped leaving a bit of my blood on her grave . I took a small , already broken piece of the spot where her body lies . As I did this I said , " You have a piece of me and I have a piece of you . " Please do not do this . I don 't know what came over me , I just did it . After , I asked myself , " WTF did I just do ? " I knew this was going to be interesting . Over the years she and I have become very close . It was scary at home at first . All of the ladies that I have dated over years have seen her in my hallway . But we after a while , I guess we had an understanding . When times are rough I always feel her comfort me . It 's odd , but she is the main spirit that I communicate with at home . I have seen her so many times , and when I 'm down or depressed she is around to protect me . She looks after me when stuff gets scary . There are many stories to tell , but that 's for later . My point is that I do not cleanse myself of spiritual energies . I probably never will . I 'm lucky to be where I am , even though it took me a long time to like it . After the Winchester Mystery House investigation I changed and became what I am now . I call it my Matrix moment . I took the red pill and saw how deep the rabbit hole goes . I was stuck down there for a while , and then climbed back up out of it . I came out a different person for sure . I was wiser and very Mother Nature - ish . If this journey has taught me one thing , it 's that the afterlife is not what we think it is . And I am in training for it . This life gives me the opportunity to have a head start in the learning process . It 's just another way I have done things become the job I was given . Oh yes there 's a lot you don 't know about me … One day , I will tell you all about it . The first Tron movie was amazing to watch as a kid . That movie always brings me back to my childhood imagination , but the second Tron metaphorically relates to me in a major way . How , you ask ? Well , it 's about hunting ghosts . It 's about getting thrown into a world you never knew or never even thought of . Bam ! There you are ! Let me explain : you never know what the future holds , and neither did the son of Kevin Flynn . When he went to explore his dad 's work , he had no idea what he was about to get himself into . As he got zapped into Tron 's world , he found himself alone on the Grid . This is just like me in very big way , how I was thrown onto the ghost hunting grid that changed my life forever . When Sam went out on his quest to find his father he came across many obstacles and battles . He faced challenges that would train him to reach his goal . It 's just like me being thrown into battle with the demons and spirits that haunted these locations we went to . I too had to learn a way to confront or battle these entities just like Sam had to for the wars on the Grid . The fight with spirits might be different than fighting bad guys on the Grid , but the world of hunting and investigating spirits is a lot like the battle with Clu 's minions . You communicate with easy spirits until you come across one of the powerful , major entities - just like how Sam encountered Clu . I too have met a powerful entity , but over the years I have continued to investigate so that I may learn what I need next to complete my mission . Sam does the same thing trying to find his father and get him off the Grid . Sam eventually locates Flynn and has to find a way to get off of the Grid before he is trapped forever . During my time ghost hunting , I 've tried to find answers and figure out what I need to eventually complete my task , but I 've learned that there is no completion until the afterlife . Sam , Flynn , and their ally , Quorra all go out and fight Clu 's minions just like me and the guys do when we have to investigate and deal with entities . We always battle through until the next confrontation . In Tron : Legacy , Sam almost succeeds in rescuing his father and getting him off of the Grid , but Flynn still has to deal with himself - his creation and twin , Clu . Flynn has to sacrifice himself in order get his son , Sam , and Quorra off of the Grid and back to the real world . I related to Sam and Quorra trying to get off of the Grid for a long time . I was fighting all of these bad entities , becoming stronger , figuring out ways to find my answers , and be done with it . However , I 've learned during my time hunting ghosts over the years that I am more like Flynn . I 've been giving myself up to the spirit world for a long time now . Doing what I do , and the person that I have become as a result , has put me on the grid of spirits . It 's a grid that I can 't get off of because I have gone too far . I gave myself up for the job . That 's more important to me than moving onto a normal way of life . My life is on the Sprit Grid now . I will never lead a normal life after doing all of this . What is a normal life , anyhow ? We all have our own way . We all struggle to get better or complete sort of mission . So , in a metaphorical way , we can all relate to the Tron movies . You just have to find your character . I can 't tell you how crazy these lockdowns in Ireland were for me . Never in my mind could I think of what happened to me , could happen . I was stoked when I found out we were going to Ireland . I 've always heard that it was amazing . All of the history and legends that happened there makes it a very different place . We went where Halloween began 🙂 Many people have had good and bad experiences at Routh Crowen cave ; mine was very good . It was so awesome to crawl under the earth ! I was uneasy at first but I then realized that I needed to go there . You 'll learn why in the new book that I 'm writing . But during that moment I knew this was going to be the lockdown of my life , and it was . After leaving the hole of Halloween , as I like to call it , we got back to our hotel , which was a real castle . It was wicked creepy with the forest as its back yard . I was outside one night when I heard a woman scream from the woods . I heard , " Nooooo ! " I thought some one was dying ! About twenty minutes later a cop drove up to the hotel , which is in the middle of nowhere . I went up to him to see if what I heard was the reason he was there . He had heard no reports of anything suspicious , but went to check it out . It was so late at night that I went to my room and passed out . The next morning the cop told the hotel that nothing had happened and that it was all good . Later on the trip I learned that what I heard was the banshee . I learned about this at the next location … The Hellfire Club . Ok , let 's rewind . Years ago we investigated the Hellfire Cave where I participated in a ritual performed by Lady Snake to bring out the vibe of the cave . Let 's just say that moment hasn 't left me till this day . Ever since the ritual of the Hellfire Cave , I have felt different , but in a good way . Then we hunted the Hellfire Club and I have never felt so much at home . As we reached the top of the mountain I sensed more and more a feeling of being comfortable . I had no idea that as soon as I walked into the building made of tombstones robbed from the ground , I would have flashes of what it used to look like . I could see the parties and the rituals going on . I don 't know if it was me , or if it had to do with the ritual I did at the Hellfire Cave years ago , but in an odd way , I felt right at home . And because of my past with the Hellfire Cave , I knew this was going to be the one experience that I 'd been waiting for . Lockdown night . As I walked to the Hellfire Club I started to think this could be my last day . That thought kept going through my mind on the drive up the hill . I thought , " Ok we need to stop real fast . " If you haven 't read my blog about my talisman then do it now , and then come back to this . I 've worn this talisman for almost the whole time that I have been hunting . When I first walked around the Hellfire Club and had my moments of familiarity , my talisman started to burn my chest . I thought that maybe I bumped into something at first , but I knew exactly what was happening after feeling the pain . What really started to kick in was the fact that my talisman is from the boke wood found in Ireland . It almost felt like the wood around my neck was activating or coming alive ! As we left the Hellfire Club , after the interviews , I couldn 't shake the visions and feeling of this place . I am nervous , but excited to find out what went down tonight in the lockdown ! For years , I 'd get asked the question , " If you could interview anyone dead or alive , who would it be ? " I always say the devil . I just think it 's the interview that would tell his side of the story . I mean , just an interview and nothing else ! I don 't want to go to hell , lol ! Well after some time and getting home and through a few dreams , I think I did . That moment when my ear was grabbed , a thousand thoughts flashed through my mind . After like five seconds I got back to myself and ran out . As I stood there , all these emotions ran through me and I started to cry . All I could think was that it 's too late , it doesn 't matter anymore , and I 'm fucked . But after about ten minutes of getting myself together again , all I could feel was that deep down , I knew that the devil had touched me . I didn 't want to say it out - loud because I would have sounded stupid , but after a bit I did . Lets just say that hearing it from the same banshee voice I have been hearing all week say , " Satan , " just proved me right . Knowing that made my heart drop . Sitting there on the hill where the devil once stood , and knowing my history with the hellfire group , I knew that there was a reason for what had just happened to me . I 'm not saying I like the feeling , because to this day , I still feel those emotions . Every single day . As we went down the hill I couldn 't shake what had just happened . I would gain my composure and be ok for about a minute , but then it was back to an emotional rollercoaster . We stopped , and all I could do was break down . As I explained , " This is a way of life , " we heard a woman scream , " Noooo . " This was my second time hearing her on this trip . I realized that my life wasn 't normal nor will it ever be , but this time it went too far with the evil of a spirit . It was the worst of the worst . When I say that it 's too late and stuff , I mean that I 'm kinda fucked in a way . Getting touched by the worst spirit , ' the devil , ' was no easy thing to shake . I still haven 't shook the feeling . It feelAs soon as we walked into the building I started having flashes . I visited some of the rooms in my dreams a week before I even saw Loftus Hall . As we pulled up to the most haunted house in Ireland , it was almost like we went back in time . Knowing what happened at this location with the devil , the hellfire club , and everything , I knew deep down that this was going to be the toughest lockdown I 've been on yet . I knew it because of what I had just went through earlier . Hearing the stories of the guy who owns the hall put odd thoughts in my head . It was almost like I had heard the story before . For about a week and a half before this lockdown , I was having nightmares about one room . The room ended up being the room where the girl was chained up to a bed . When he opened the doors I just about passed out . I knew this was the spot in my dreams . I felt as if I was back … As I sat at the poker table , I started to think that it was a really bad idea . But , I 've been this far so why not ? In my mind , I was so nervous and scared . All I could think about was like , the door opening and it 's battle time . You know like at the start of Saving Private Ryan … The door to the landing boat drops and bam ! D - Day ! Having to just to sit there and wait , not knowing what was coming . Dude ! I was there for a while , about ten to fifteen minutes , and when I started feeling a presence around me . As I sat there , I felt like I couldn 't move , but at the same time I could move it was just that I didn 't want that kind of feeling . I figured the best way to get activity was to start dealing the cards . After dealing to four positions ( I don 't know why I did that ) , I picked my cards up . No joke , it was three sixes . I thought , " Of course it is . " There wasn 't any good feeling after that . I felt like I just entered a movie you see on TV . The last week flashed before my eyes , and the touch I felt at the Hellfire Club kicked in . Then that 's when the figure showed up on my shoulders and my other ear was touched . I 'm in a zone and not afraid of what 's happening . I was in a ' zone comma , ' as I like to call it . I could feel the spirit or evil being on me as it just chilled there . Putting my hand out and the entity reaching for it felt so odd . It was almost as if it was my pet . It would leave then come back to me again . As time went on , the guys went to other places in the house and I stayed there alone . I couldn 't move . Like in the movie Kill Bill when she 's like , " Wiggle your toes . Wiggle your toes ! " and finally does . That was me , telling myself to get up over and over again ! After about ten minutes I finally snapped out of it and stood up . This is when I went out side and threw up a little bit before regrouping with the guys . As soon as I left the card room my talisman started to get hot and my chest began to burn . My chest burned for three days and then the pain finally went away . As weOct 31 , 2014 Awesome news I have … my own web series special on travelchannel . com 🙂 It 's doing something I have wanted to do for about 15 years , and now I get the opportunity to do it . Learn from the pros on how to take the best still photos . You see , I didn 't go to film school . I taught my - self how to shoot a video camera then snuck into classes to see if I did it right . I have never been good at learning from books . I learn from hands on . A lot of people are like that . This series is about you and me learning together from the pros on how to take the best pictures possible . From the perfect selfie to the best sunset shot . Plus so much more 🙂 When you go out to take a picture from your cell phone or a consumer camera u to can look like a pro . Soon this will be on the web and I will post all about it when it is . Anyone that knows me personally , knows I love taking pictures . I take most of my pictures on my iPhone and Instagram it or tweet them everyday . I have an addiction and It 's called taking pictures . Over the last 16 years I have found a love for it . I would say I have taken almost 500 , 000 to 1 , 000 , 000 pictures in that time . No joke . I am currently making a picture book but looking threw all the photos is taking way to long . For about 2 years now I have been collecting pictures and doing rough drafts for this book but It 's like cleaning and organizing your house . You never find the time to do it . Am I right ? lol . I 'm half way done now and have quotes for pics and stuff like that . You will see 🙂 then the next step is getting a publishing company . A lot of work but worth it . When I first stared it was with a normal camera where u had to go to Costco to get the film developed . Now it 's all a digital world . Which I really like . With so many cameras out there it 's tough to find the right one but with the cell phone and social networking , the cell phone is the camera of choice because of how we upload to the sites . It 's just easier to do with the cell phone these days . I always get asked on Instagram , Facebook , and twitter what camera I use , it 's my cell phone . It 's all on how u take the pic or tap the screen to get the best lighting . Since I got the iPhone I have been in heaven . This phone takes great pictures . I 'm sure the other phones do to but there is something about the iPhone . I always get great lighting out of it and the pictures look so clear in low light . I have tried all the other phones and there pictures just don 't do it for me like the iPhone does . My favorite thing about walking around is that there 's a picture everywhere and anywhere . Every where u look there is a picture to take . Whether it 's a landscape picture or up close to something . It could be a leaf on a tree limb and a cloud in the back ground . It 's all about the focus or lighting . It 's always there , It 's just how u see it . The pictures u see me take on Instagram , Facebook , or twitter is how I see it . Just walking down the street there are hundreds of picture opportunities , you just have to look . Maybe a bug or a tree , and anything in the sky is usually a great pic . But if you focus the camera or adjust the iris u see something more . I have the 5D Mark III cannon and I want to learn more about that camera and do more things with it . Right now it 's mainly my cell phone I use . I shoot a lot of video on the Mark 3 but really want to learn its potential on still photos . I am so busy most of the time I never get to it . This year my goal is to understand as much as possible on still photography . I 'm always trying to learn more and more . I know a video camera very well but I need to know way more when it comes to still photography . Finally , this is my chance to learn from the best in this new web special I 'm shooting with Travel Channel 🙂 People ask me all the time if I have something I wear to protect my self . No , but Yes . In all the years I have been hunting spirits I have changed so much . At first I would just hold my breath and hunted away in fear , then I received as a gift , a 5 , 600 year old bog oak wood talisman from Ireland . I was thinking what the f * * * . I never even knew what a talisman meant . I liked it a lot though and put it on . After wearing it for a few hours my chest started hurting where the talisman laid . I took it off and thought it was a bad thing since it hurt my chest and threw it out the van window . As it went out the window it flew back at me and let 's just say everyone in the van was shocked then wigged out . I then realized it was something special but it still freaked me out . I didn 't put it back on for months . It now is always on me everyday for a very good reason . But first , let me tell you about what the talisman is all about . The talisman I wear around my neck is made of bog oak from the forests of Ireland . Hand carved and blessed by an Irish Arch Druid that has wise knowledge about creating these magical tools . The wooden talisman is cut from the tree and dried 2 - 3 years and blessed two times a day before it 's ready to be used . The wood is naturally black and the trees were living thousands of years ago , when the myths and legends from Ireland were being formed . These talisman are carved and brought to what they say is the most sacred and magical place in all the land of Ireland , Tara Hill , and then blessed and charged by Adge . In Irish mythology it is said to be the sacred place of the gods and a doorway to other worlds . Tara Hill they say is truly one of the sacred places on earth and is the center of an enormous energy vortex . That 's a special piece of wood I wear around my neck J I learned that it was actually working . It was taking away the negative and helping me . I thought it was hurting me . Well , if you disrespect your talisman then it won 't work for you anymore . So I kept it to take home . As I was flying home I remember looking at it in my bag thinking , " oh great , bad luck charm now on the plane with me . " Not a good place to have it . When I got home I never took it out of my bag and forgot about it for a few days . When I did look for it , it was gone . I figured it fell out on the plane . I felt bad cause it was a very special object I had . A month goes by and I always think about how my chest hurt from the talisman , I thought about it often . Here is when it all changed and we reunited again , on a lockdown in a place I was really worried about and scared . I was at Essex Insane Asylum and we just get locked in . As I open the camera case to get the gear ready for the hunt , I notice my talisman is wrapped up in the camera I use . This was odd because I just checked the camera and put batteries in all the gear and it wasn 't there . From that point the gear stays in my room until I take it to the car and headed to location . So I know the gear never left my site . I have no idea how it got there and why , but I put it on and vow to never let it leave me again . This was so odd that it flew back at me and I lost it and it came back that I just didn 't question it anymore . I understand there are things in life that are in a way magical and mysterious . My talisman is one of them . 1 . I took it off to show some friends . I don 't let people touch it ever unless I feel their vibe is safe , and told them all about it . As my necklace just hung there from my finger , the talisman started moving upwards like a person on a swing and started going back and forth . Everyone jumped back and freaked out . I never took it off for years after that except when I shower . 2 . Sometimes I meditate and light candles in a circle and just find my ora . As I was thinking about Astral Projection and so much more , the talisman started to lift up and pull away from my neck . I snapped out of it and took it off . I threw it out of the circle and realized I shouldn 't have done that . Just then , a jar flew off my counter in the kitchen and shattered all over the floor . I felt like maybe I was tricked and took it off . Like something was pulling it off me and then , not thinking , I took it off . Why do I feel like that ? Well , it wasn 't until after the Voodoo lockdown I realized why . 3 . I never put my talisman back on for about four months . About three weeks after I took it off I went and did the Voodoo ritual on Ghost Adventures . If u watch all the episodes , I 'm always wearing it but not then or after , for a while . I went through nine months of a depression from that Voodoo ritual . For the first three months I never thought once about putting it on . After I realized it I put it back on and things got a little better for me . It still took me many days and nights to get through it but I concentrated on working on my stuff at home and traveling for Ghost Adventures . I live , work , breath , and sleep in the scary world of paranormal but that 's how its supposed to be . I 'm learning too much not to pay attention to what 's happening around me . So , now I wear it again every day . Since the first season of Ghost Adventures it 's been on my neck and will be until I am no more . One more thing , one time someone punched me in the chest joking around and hit me hard right on the talisman . The hit knocked the wind out of me . It hurt so bad , then I realized after I looked down at my shirt , that my talisman is stuck in my chest and I 'm bleeding all over . It felt like I was branded like superman in the TV show Smallville , LOL . As I pulled it away from my chest it was sticking in my skin . It felt so weird pulling it away from me . Like a bandage that 's stuck to a wound , but i realized my blood was on it and the talisman was in me in a way . Sounds odd , but that 's how it is , odd things with it . I continue this journey with all I have to face and fear along with it . I believe the talisman doesn 't keep me safe from spirits but keeps me and my ora grounded . Now I 'm understanding why the talisman fell in my lap . Its funny how life works , one day u live a normal life as a Production Cameraman to a real life Spirit Hunter . My point is , I thank the way the world works and for receiving this talisman . It really helped me believe even more that spirits roam with me and what I wear on my neck is no joke . If Aaron |
Well , the story of the Dibbuk Box is one of a kind . If u don 't know about it watch the Deadly Possessions episode , " Dibbuk Box . " The fact that it was buried in the ground for 10 years , then dug up and brought to Las Vegas is just scary crazy . This box is evil and dangerous and now it 's in the room with us . While the interview with Jason Haxton , owner of the Dibbuk Box , the room got the oddest feeling ever . This dibbuk box is no joke ; u can feel its energy . As the interview was going on , I was asked if I wanted to touch the dibbuk box . Something inside me said it was ok , and after a moment of thinking , I went for it . I put both of my hands on top of the box and immediately felt its energy . I zoned out and could feel this energy slowly go up both my arms . It felt numb and warm . It was like I was standing a block from the box even though I was only a foot away . There were never any bad feelings of danger . It was like we were both feeling each other out . It was like when a scary dog lets u pet it and you 're both cool with each other . After a bit of time , I snapped out of it and let it go . I would say I was touching it for about a minute , but I never felt threatened or anything like that at the time . It was almost like it was ok for me to do that ; the box 's energy was checking my energy out . Then the man who had owned the box years ago came in . The vibe changed right away . There was a nervous feeling in the room . Having no idea what he would do , I listened to the frightening story of what happened when his mom opened the box . I started wondering if I would be ok . As we let him go down stairs to have time with the box , we found out that he was doing something odd . I feel that he let the spirit out of the box . As were all listening to him in shock , I felt some sort of energy hold onto my leg like it was someone scared . My first thought was , " Oh shit . I touched the box in a nice and calm energy kind of way . So is the spirit of the box now holding me ? " Who knows ? I felt it was , but not in a bad way . After about 2 hours I started noticing odd signs . I felt numb and a little nervous for a bit , as if something was affecting my energy . We filmed at the church later that night . While shooting , there was about thirty minutes that I couldn 't see well . Everything was a blur . As I was filming , I could see the screen because of a white cloud that covered my vision . We heard that this could happen after touching the box . I started to get nervous , but after we left the church I was fine . My dreams for the next for four nights were so scary . I kept feeling that there was something in my room . I had dreams that felt like some person kept waking me up from . I woke up from these dreams and saw gray . For the first couple of days I slept really badly . I kept napping all day and it just felt off . Time has passed and now I 'm ok . It was just a lot to deal with knowing that box 's power . Part of me thinks it will stick around until the box is buried again , or something from it will linger . Something throughout the night still wakes me up all the time . It 's gotta be the spirit from the box or something else by now . It 's tough to say because we 've investigated ever other week for the last 9 years , so who knows what kind of energy is just hanging around and waking me up . We never have down time , but that keeps us always on our game . So , it could be another spirit just messing with me now , but who knows ? I do know I love my job J and everyday is different . This lockdown was one I will never forget . I still think about it . I have done many lockdowns , but for some reason this one caused me to … Over the eight years many lockdowns have taught me so much about my life 's journey . This lockdown at the domes … I thought it was going to be bad , but weeks later it ended up being good for me . Now there is only so much time during the lockdown for evidence ; there 's not enough time to show it all . We could have had a three - hour hour episode with so much going on that night . The moment I experienced in the dome as the craziness happened was a personal one that I want to share . We were mid - investigation when we tried using the spirit box , but nothing came through until the question was asked , " Who do you want to talk to ? " Then , a female 's voice said , " Aaron . " Nothing happened with the spirit box after that . I was a bit worried but we were distracted with other things that lead us to other places . It was like the spirits were luring us away , or they were running around us to attack . Time passed , and Zak sent me alone to the domes where we just captured the amazing shadow figure and that had seen satanic rituals in the past . I was armed with only my camera and Ovilus as i headed into the dome alone to where the rituals happened . I didn 't know what was going on with Billy . I had no idea that he had the picture of Jesus , or that was doing the prayer at the same time I was in the dome . As I sat there alone in the dome , the Ovilus was on point . It said , " Aura , " which means it was talking about mine . It said , " Sit , " which I was . I now know why it said , " Jesus , " as Billy was doing his investigation . Why it said , " Disaster , " then , " demon . " What Billy was reading was related to what the Ovilus was saying . After all of this , I started to relax . Ovilus then said , " Lesser . " I just relaxed my energy . I knew something was happening , so i just went with it . i remember it said , " Focus . " i felt like I was . I was like a Jedi focused on what was going on around me . No joke , I thought about the Jedi way . It sounds funny or odd , but they kinda have it right in many ways . So I felt focused , and then I heard foot steps running around . I called to the guys , but there was no answer . Without even knowing what Billy was going through , and with the guys focused on him , I just stayed calm and waited for more . The Ovilus said , " Spot , " and I replied , " I 'm spot on ? " Then , I heard out - loud , " That 's right . " I could feel something walk up on me . The Ovilus started saying , " Traveled . Born . Rewind . " I started to feel like I was in a ritual . The spirits where doing it again , but this time it was with me . I turned on the SP 11 Spirit Box so I could get another way to communicate . The noise of it was so loud … It seemed to echo even louder . I looked over to my left and saw a clocked figure standing there . This being wasn 't wearing a hood , but you could tell it had a cloak on . The head looked like the the big - horned bad guy in the movie Legend , but with a skinner face . Then all of a sudden , i could see its eyes glow red , and what looked like a glowing red blood stream spiral running up its horns . I followed the stream right up before the red got to the tip of its horns . I quickly stopped and looked away , stood up , and stated walking . Something deep down told me not to watch the red glow finish its trip up to the tip of the horn . It told me not to look back . After I left the dome , I walked around the desert for about twenty minutes and tried to gather my thoughts about what I was feeling . I could hear the guys calling for me . I finally got to them . I was in a fog and just wanted to walk home . It was the oddest feeling . I went back to the dome after a while to pick up the gear . As I walked up to the circle and the Ovilus I said out loud , " I know I was supposed to be here and go through what I did , but is there anything else you need to tell me ? " The Ovilus then said , " Complete . " I then felt the dome was empty ; I was the only one in there . The energy had left . Ok so you might be thinking , " What the … Aaron ? " But as I picked up the gear , I noticed something different . I couldn 't put my finger on it at the time , but after the next few weeks , I had realized it . My stress level was way down . If I became stressed , I snapped out of it faster then normal . This goes with with me just being down , lonely , or sad . When I was like that , something would snap me out of it . It was almost a feeling inside doing it . When this would happen , my first thought was about the domes even though time had passed , and it wasn 't even a thought in my brain any more . My energy felt alined with my thoughts and what was around me . I was walking around the casino and something inside me told me to play that slot machine . I played it and won . I never thought of the dome much or the spirit I saw , but I had dreams about him for about a month after . I feel it was a powerful dark male spirit , but it went away . I hadn 't thought about it until now with the episode airing . It was an odd moment in time for sure . I 'm not sure why that spirit was nice to me , but it was . Some bad spirits just might be good to some people , or maybe something happened that night that helped that spirit . Who knows ? I guess I will find out in the afterlife . Now , me saying all this it might sound spooky to you . For me , I understand what happened in that dome that night . It was something good for the bigger picture . I won 't know until I pass , but I feel it as a thank you . Ok , I 'm not saying it was a good thing or a bad thing , I have no idea , but the thing is something that was done . Good or bad , it happened and it was completed . To this day , I feel different still . I feel wiser and calmer most the time at least . Time will tell me to learn more . I will go through many more of these moments . It 's my job and it 's awesome . So Deadwood was one of the scariest moments that I 've had in a while . Aside from the town being so haunted and full of ghosts , this will be one place that I 'll never forget . Here 's why : while upstairs investigating alone , right after being touched , I felt something that I 've never felt before . It was a panic attack from a spirit . I was in the hallway after investigating that last room and just needed a moment to calm down . After a minute , I felt something walk up to me . I was in pitch darkness , but felt as if a man was standing face to face with me . Then this panic set in . I heard a breath and felt it hit me . I jumped back as I started having a terrible panic attack that must have lasted only for a minute but it felt like it lasted forever . There was no one around . I gathered myself and charged out of there to meet the guys . Now here 's where it scared me more : for about two weeks after my panic attack , I could be walking around my house or wherever and suddenly freeze up . I would then feel a breeze hit my face as something walked up to me . It didn 't take me long to realize that whatever did this to me in Deadwood had now followed me home . Later , while watching fireworks , I had another attack . I saw one firework fall over and point right at me . I quickly got up and moved . Thankfully , nothing happened and I sat back down . Then bam ! Full on panic attack . There were people around , but it was like they weren 't there to me . I felt so far away from them . I was hoping for help but couldn 't talk . I realized what was happening and decided to ride it out for a while . I needed to endure this attack instead of freaking out . What I thought was only ten minutes ended up being more like forty - five . I checked my heart rate with my Fit Bit and saw that it was 140 beats per minute . Someone asked me if I was ok and I snapped out of it . I got up and walked around . Nothing happened … until I sat back down . I felt that breath on me again as I sat . It wouldn 't let me get up . I tried and tried for like another forty - five minutes before I was able to stand up again . I 've had some more small moments since then , but after a while , they slowly went away . I now truly know what a panic attack is . Having these attacks because of a spirit was no joke . I can only imagine how tough it is for people who get them regularly . Every lockdown teaches me something new . This one taught me I 'm alone on this journey in my life , and the only thing I have is just me and my aura . We 've been through a lot together . Deadwood is now just a panic attack that 's followed me in memory . I 've left that feeling behind . People ask me all the time if I cleanse myself from spirits . The answer ? No , I don 't . I believe that there are reasons why I was chosen for this . There are the reasons I know , and there are reasons that I won 't know until I pass on to the next life . I don 't cleanse myself because I know that I 'm going to go right back out there and do it again the following week . I feel that if I cleanse myself , I won 't get the same interaction with spirits . I 've done it before , and all hell broke loose on me and my life . I decided a long , long time ago that I would just roll with the stuff that followed me home and learn from the experiences . I have learned much from doing these investigations for so long ; I now know why they follow me … but that 's a whole other story . There are three spirits that follow me most of the time . How do I know ? I communicate with them at home . They have helped me through life even though they are bad spirits . If I come home from hunting and something has followed me home , the three spirits end up seeming to fight the new presence . My house gets so active , and even at times scary , but after a few days all usually goes back to normal . Normal , as in it 's just me and my three spirits . Who are these spirits ? Well , one is the spirit from Bobby Mackey 's Music World . I thought it was a bad spirit at first , but after time I learned that this entity guided me to where I needed to be . It kept me alone and forced me to learn how to live with spirits . I saw that dealing with this spirit was for the best even though I went through a tough time because of it . The second spirit is something that I picked up in Scotland . I call it the vampire energy . I met some people in Scotland that performed a test on me to see how my energy was . The experiment would be something that changed me forever . I can 't tell you exactly what the experiment was or what it was supposed do . There are other groups out there that claim that something threw blood or whatever , but I learned from the pure source and not some wannabe source . I can say that this test was supposed to show a cut on one 's hand if they were part of something significant from the past . Seven cuts appeared on my hand , and let 's just say they thought I was something special . This person told me about the following three years of my life and when that period was done , I would be in Romania . I didn 't think much of it at the time , but this person was dead on . Things would transpire through the years that the source told me would happen . Everything that was said to me came true . I believe that the energies that followed me point in the direction I need to go and guide me on my journey . I 'm not claiming that I 'm a vampire or anything like that , but the source that tested me was . The third spirit is the witch from Jamaica . I wanted to put this whole " follow me home spirits " thing to the test . I was going to make sure that I was right . After the two spirits that followed me home , I thought why not ? I wanted to see if a spirit really could stay with you . As I walked into the forest where her grave was , I gave myself a few minutes before I started to roll the cameras . I walked up to her grave , got down on my knees , placed my hands on her tomb , and silently meditated until we connected . I connected with her spirit during the interviews , so during the investigation that night I returned to how I felt when we communed earlier . After I felt her energy , I opened my eyes and stretched my left arm to the center of her grave . I took the side of my thumb and placed it on her tomb . As I pulled back my hand , some of my thumb 's skin scraped leaving a bit of my blood on her grave . I took a small , already broken piece of the spot where her body lies . As I did this I said , " You have a piece of me and I have a piece of you . " Please do not do this . I don 't know what came over me , I just did it . After , I asked myself , " WTF did I just do ? " I knew this was going to be interesting . Over the years she and I have become very close . It was scary at home at first . All of the ladies that I have dated over years have seen her in my hallway . But we after a while , I guess we had an understanding . When times are rough I always feel her comfort me . It 's odd , but she is the main spirit that I communicate with at home . I have seen her so many times , and when I 'm down or depressed she is around to protect me . She looks after me when stuff gets scary . There are many stories to tell , but that 's for later . My point is that I do not cleanse myself of spiritual energies . I probably never will . I 'm lucky to be where I am , even though it took me a long time to like it . After the Winchester Mystery House investigation I changed and became what I am now . I call it my Matrix moment . I took the red pill and saw how deep the rabbit hole goes . I was stuck down there for a while , and then climbed back up out of it . I came out a different person for sure . I was wiser and very Mother Nature - ish . If this journey has taught me one thing , it 's that the afterlife is not what we think it is . And I am in training for it . This life gives me the opportunity to have a head start in the learning process . It 's just another way I have done things become the job I was given . Oh yes there 's a lot you don 't know about me … One day , I will tell you all about it . The first Tron movie was amazing to watch as a kid . That movie always brings me back to my childhood imagination , but the second Tron metaphorically relates to me in a major way . How , you ask ? Well , it 's about hunting ghosts . It 's about getting thrown into a world you never knew or never even thought of . Bam ! There you are ! Let me explain : you never know what the future holds , and neither did the son of Kevin Flynn . When he went to explore his dad 's work , he had no idea what he was about to get himself into . As he got zapped into Tron 's world , he found himself alone on the Grid . This is just like me in very big way , how I was thrown onto the ghost hunting grid that changed my life forever . When Sam went out on his quest to find his father he came across many obstacles and battles . He faced challenges that would train him to reach his goal . It 's just like me being thrown into battle with the demons and spirits that haunted these locations we went to . I too had to learn a way to confront or battle these entities just like Sam had to for the wars on the Grid . The fight with spirits might be different than fighting bad guys on the Grid , but the world of hunting and investigating spirits is a lot like the battle with Clu 's minions . You communicate with easy spirits until you come across one of the powerful , major entities - just like how Sam encountered Clu . I too have met a powerful entity , but over the years I have continued to investigate so that I may learn what I need next to complete my mission . Sam does the same thing trying to find his father and get him off the Grid . Sam eventually locates Flynn and has to find a way to get off of the Grid before he is trapped forever . During my time ghost hunting , I 've tried to find answers and figure out what I need to eventually complete my task , but I 've learned that there is no completion until the afterlife . Sam , Flynn , and their ally , Quorra all go out and fight Clu 's minions just like me and the guys do when we have to investigate and deal with entities . We always battle through until the next confrontation . In Tron : Legacy , Sam almost succeeds in rescuing his father and getting him off of the Grid , but Flynn still has to deal with himself - his creation and twin , Clu . Flynn has to sacrifice himself in order get his son , Sam , and Quorra off of the Grid and back to the real world . I related to Sam and Quorra trying to get off of the Grid for a long time . I was fighting all of these bad entities , becoming stronger , figuring out ways to find my answers , and be done with it . However , I 've learned during my time hunting ghosts over the years that I am more like Flynn . I 've been giving myself up to the spirit world for a long time now . Doing what I do , and the person that I have become as a result , has put me on the grid of spirits . It 's a grid that I can 't get off of because I have gone too far . I gave myself up for the job . That 's more important to me than moving onto a normal way of life . My life is on the Sprit Grid now . I will never lead a normal life after doing all of this . What is a normal life , anyhow ? We all have our own way . We all struggle to get better or complete sort of mission . So , in a metaphorical way , we can all relate to the Tron movies . You just have to find your character . I can 't tell you how crazy these lockdowns in Ireland were for me . Never in my mind could I think of what happened to me , could happen . I was stoked when I found out we were going to Ireland . I 've always heard that it was amazing . All of the history and legends that happened there makes it a very different place . We went where Halloween began 🙂 Many people have had good and bad experiences at Routh Crowen cave ; mine was very good . It was so awesome to crawl under the earth ! I was uneasy at first but I then realized that I needed to go there . You 'll learn why in the new book that I 'm writing . But during that moment I knew this was going to be the lockdown of my life , and it was . After leaving the hole of Halloween , as I like to call it , we got back to our hotel , which was a real castle . It was wicked creepy with the forest as its back yard . I was outside one night when I heard a woman scream from the woods . I heard , " Nooooo ! " I thought some one was dying ! About twenty minutes later a cop drove up to the hotel , which is in the middle of nowhere . I went up to him to see if what I heard was the reason he was there . He had heard no reports of anything suspicious , but went to check it out . It was so late at night that I went to my room and passed out . The next morning the cop told the hotel that nothing had happened and that it was all good . Later on the trip I learned that what I heard was the banshee . I learned about this at the next location … The Hellfire Club . Ok , let 's rewind . Years ago we investigated the Hellfire Cave where I participated in a ritual performed by Lady Snake to bring out the vibe of the cave . Let 's just say that moment hasn 't left me till this day . Ever since the ritual of the Hellfire Cave , I have felt different , but in a good way . Then we hunted the Hellfire Club and I have never felt so much at home . As we reached the top of the mountain I sensed more and more a feeling of being comfortable . I had no idea that as soon as I walked into the building made of tombstones robbed from the ground , I would have flashes of what it used to look like . I could see the parties and the rituals going on . I don 't know if it was me , or if it had to do with the ritual I did at the Hellfire Cave years ago , but in an odd way , I felt right at home . And because of my past with the Hellfire Cave , I knew this was going to be the one experience that I 'd been waiting for . Lockdown night . As I walked to the Hellfire Club I started to think this could be my last day . That thought kept going through my mind on the drive up the hill . I thought , " Ok we need to stop real fast . " If you haven 't read my blog about my talisman then do it now , and then come back to this . I 've worn this talisman for almost the whole time that I have been hunting . When I first walked around the Hellfire Club and had my moments of familiarity , my talisman started to burn my chest . I thought that maybe I bumped into something at first , but I knew exactly what was happening after feeling the pain . What really started to kick in was the fact that my talisman is from the boke wood found in Ireland . It almost felt like the wood around my neck was activating or coming alive ! As we left the Hellfire Club , after the interviews , I couldn 't shake the visions and feeling of this place . I am nervous , but excited to find out what went down tonight in the lockdown ! For years , I 'd get asked the question , " If you could interview anyone dead or alive , who would it be ? " I always say the devil . I just think it 's the interview that would tell his side of the story . I mean , just an interview and nothing else ! I don 't want to go to hell , lol ! Well after some time and getting home and through a few dreams , I think I did . That moment when my ear was grabbed , a thousand thoughts flashed through my mind . After like five seconds I got back to myself and ran out . As I stood there , all these emotions ran through me and I started to cry . All I could think was that it 's too late , it doesn 't matter anymore , and I 'm fucked . But after about ten minutes of getting myself together again , all I could feel was that deep down , I knew that the devil had touched me . I didn 't want to say it out - loud because I would have sounded stupid , but after a bit I did . Lets just say that hearing it from the same banshee voice I have been hearing all week say , " Satan , " just proved me right . Knowing that made my heart drop . Sitting there on the hill where the devil once stood , and knowing my history with the hellfire group , I knew that there was a reason for what had just happened to me . I 'm not saying I like the feeling , because to this day , I still feel those emotions . Every single day . As we went down the hill I couldn 't shake what had just happened . I would gain my composure and be ok for about a minute , but then it was back to an emotional rollercoaster . We stopped , and all I could do was break down . As I explained , " This is a way of life , " we heard a woman scream , " Noooo . " This was my second time hearing her on this trip . I realized that my life wasn 't normal nor will it ever be , but this time it went too far with the evil of a spirit . It was the worst of the worst . When I say that it 's too late and stuff , I mean that I 'm kinda fucked in a way . Getting touched by the worst spirit , ' the devil , ' was no easy thing to shake . I still haven 't shook the feeling . It feelAs soon as we walked into the building I started having flashes . I visited some of the rooms in my dreams a week before I even saw Loftus Hall . As we pulled up to the most haunted house in Ireland , it was almost like we went back in time . Knowing what happened at this location with the devil , the hellfire club , and everything , I knew deep down that this was going to be the toughest lockdown I 've been on yet . I knew it because of what I had just went through earlier . Hearing the stories of the guy who owns the hall put odd thoughts in my head . It was almost like I had heard the story before . For about a week and a half before this lockdown , I was having nightmares about one room . The room ended up being the room where the girl was chained up to a bed . When he opened the doors I just about passed out . I knew this was the spot in my dreams . I felt as if I was back … As I sat at the poker table , I started to think that it was a really bad idea . But , I 've been this far so why not ? In my mind , I was so nervous and scared . All I could think about was like , the door opening and it 's battle time . You know like at the start of Saving Private Ryan … The door to the landing boat drops and bam ! D - Day ! Having to just to sit there and wait , not knowing what was coming . Dude ! I was there for a while , about ten to fifteen minutes , and when I started feeling a presence around me . As I sat there , I felt like I couldn 't move , but at the same time I could move it was just that I didn 't want that kind of feeling . I figured the best way to get activity was to start dealing the cards . After dealing to four positions ( I don 't know why I did that ) , I picked my cards up . No joke , it was three sixes . I thought , " Of course it is . " There wasn 't any good feeling after that . I felt like I just entered a movie you see on TV . The last week flashed before my eyes , and the touch I felt at the Hellfire Club kicked in . Then that 's when the figure showed up on my shoulders and my other ear was touched . I 'm in a zone and not afraid of what 's happening . I was in a ' zone comma , ' as I like to call it . I could feel the spirit or evil being on me as it just chilled there . Putting my hand out and the entity reaching for it felt so odd . It was almost as if it was my pet . It would leave then come back to me again . As time went on , the guys went to other places in the house and I stayed there alone . I couldn 't move . Like in the movie Kill Bill when she 's like , " Wiggle your toes . Wiggle your toes ! " and finally does . That was me , telling myself to get up over and over again ! After about ten minutes I finally snapped out of it and stood up . This is when I went out side and threw up a little bit before regrouping with the guys . As soon as I left the card room my talisman started to get hot and my chest began to burn . My chest burned for three days and then the pain finally went away . As weOct 31 , 2014 Awesome news I have … my own web series special on travelchannel . com 🙂 It 's doing something I have wanted to do for about 15 years , and now I get the opportunity to do it . Learn from the pros on how to take the best still photos . You see , I didn 't go to film school . I taught my - self how to shoot a video camera then snuck into classes to see if I did it right . I have never been good at learning from books . I learn from hands on . A lot of people are like that . This series is about you and me learning together from the pros on how to take the best pictures possible . From the perfect selfie to the best sunset shot . Plus so much more 🙂 When you go out to take a picture from your cell phone or a consumer camera u to can look like a pro . Soon this will be on the web and I will post all about it when it is . Anyone that knows me personally , knows I love taking pictures . I take most of my pictures on my iPhone and Instagram it or tweet them everyday . I have an addiction and It 's called taking pictures . Over the last 16 years I have found a love for it . I would say I have taken almost 500 , 000 to 1 , 000 , 000 pictures in that time . No joke . I am currently making a picture book but looking threw all the photos is taking way to long . For about 2 years now I have been collecting pictures and doing rough drafts for this book but It 's like cleaning and organizing your house . You never find the time to do it . Am I right ? lol . I 'm half way done now and have quotes for pics and stuff like that . You will see 🙂 then the next step is getting a publishing company . A lot of work but worth it . When I first stared it was with a normal camera where u had to go to Costco to get the film developed . Now it 's all a digital world . Which I really like . With so many cameras out there it 's tough to find the right one but with the cell phone and social networking , the cell phone is the camera of choice because of how we upload to the sites . It 's just easier to do with the cell phone these days . I always get asked on Instagram , Facebook , and twitter what camera I use , it 's my cell phone . It 's all on how u take the pic or tap the screen to get the best lighting . Since I got the iPhone I have been in heaven . This phone takes great pictures . I 'm sure the other phones do to but there is something about the iPhone . I always get great lighting out of it and the pictures look so clear in low light . I have tried all the other phones and there pictures just don 't do it for me like the iPhone does . My favorite thing about walking around is that there 's a picture everywhere and anywhere . Every where u look there is a picture to take . Whether it 's a landscape picture or up close to something . It could be a leaf on a tree limb and a cloud in the back ground . It 's all about the focus or lighting . It 's always there , It 's just how u see it . The pictures u see me take on Instagram , Facebook , or twitter is how I see it . Just walking down the street there are hundreds of picture opportunities , you just have to look . Maybe a bug or a tree , and anything in the sky is usually a great pic . But if you focus the camera or adjust the iris u see something more . I have the 5D Mark III cannon and I want to learn more about that camera and do more things with it . Right now it 's mainly my cell phone I use . I shoot a lot of video on the Mark 3 but really want to learn its potential on still photos . I am so busy most of the time I never get to it . This year my goal is to understand as much as possible on still photography . I 'm always trying to learn more and more . I know a video camera very well but I need to know way more when it comes to still photography . Finally , this is my chance to learn from the best in this new web special I 'm shooting with Travel Channel 🙂 People ask me all the time if I have something I wear to protect my self . No , but Yes . In all the years I have been hunting spirits I have changed so much . At first I would just hold my breath and hunted away in fear , then I received as a gift , a 5 , 600 year old bog oak wood talisman from Ireland . I was thinking what the f * * * . I never even knew what a talisman meant . I liked it a lot though and put it on . After wearing it for a few hours my chest started hurting where the talisman laid . I took it off and thought it was a bad thing since it hurt my chest and threw it out the van window . As it went out the window it flew back at me and let 's just say everyone in the van was shocked then wigged out . I then realized it was something special but it still freaked me out . I didn 't put it back on for months . It now is always on me everyday for a very good reason . But first , let me tell you about what the talisman is all about . The talisman I wear around my neck is made of bog oak from the forests of Ireland . Hand carved and blessed by an Irish Arch Druid that has wise knowledge about creating these magical tools . The wooden talisman is cut from the tree and dried 2 - 3 years and blessed two times a day before it 's ready to be used . The wood is naturally black and the trees were living thousands of years ago , when the myths and legends from Ireland were being formed . These talisman are carved and brought to what they say is the most sacred and magical place in all the land of Ireland , Tara Hill , and then blessed and charged by Adge . In Irish mythology it is said to be the sacred place of the gods and a doorway to other worlds . Tara Hill they say is truly one of the sacred places on earth and is the center of an enormous energy vortex . That 's a special piece of wood I wear around my neck J I learned that it was actually working . It was taking away the negative and helping me . I thought it was hurting me . Well , if you disrespect your talisman then it won 't work for you anymore . So I kept it to take home . As I was flying home I remember looking at it in my bag thinking , " oh great , bad luck charm now on the plane with me . " Not a good place to have it . When I got home I never took it out of my bag and forgot about it for a few days . When I did look for it , it was gone . I figured it fell out on the plane . I felt bad cause it was a very special object I had . A month goes by and I always think about how my chest hurt from the talisman , I thought about it often . Here is when it all changed and we reunited again , on a lockdown in a place I was really worried about and scared . I was at Essex Insane Asylum and we just get locked in . As I open the camera case to get the gear ready for the hunt , I notice my talisman is wrapped up in the camera I use . This was odd because I just checked the camera and put batteries in all the gear and it wasn 't there . From that point the gear stays in my room until I take it to the car and headed to location . So I know the gear never left my site . I have no idea how it got there and why , but I put it on and vow to never let it leave me again . This was so odd that it flew back at me and I lost it and it came back that I just didn 't question it anymore . I understand there are things in life that are in a way magical and mysterious . My talisman is one of them . 1 . I took it off to show some friends . I don 't let people touch it ever unless I feel their vibe is safe , and told them all about it . As my necklace just hung there from my finger , the talisman started moving upwards like a person on a swing and started going back and forth . Everyone jumped back and freaked out . I never took it off for years after that except when I shower . 2 . Sometimes I meditate and light candles in a circle and just find my ora . As I was thinking about Astral Projection and so much more , the talisman started to lift up and pull away from my neck . I snapped out of it and took it off . I threw it out of the circle and realized I shouldn 't have done that . Just then , a jar flew off my counter in the kitchen and shattered all over the floor . I felt like maybe I was tricked and took it off . Like something was pulling it off me and then , not thinking , I took it off . Why do I feel like that ? Well , it wasn 't until after the Voodoo lockdown I realized why . 3 . I never put my talisman back on for about four months . About three weeks after I took it off I went and did the Voodoo ritual on Ghost Adventures . If u watch all the episodes , I 'm always wearing it but not then or after , for a while . I went through nine months of a depression from that Voodoo ritual . For the first three months I never thought once about putting it on . After I realized it I put it back on and things got a little better for me . It still took me many days and nights to get through it but I concentrated on working on my stuff at home and traveling for Ghost Adventures . I live , work , breath , and sleep in the scary world of paranormal but that 's how its supposed to be . I 'm learning too much not to pay attention to what 's happening around me . So , now I wear it again every day . Since the first season of Ghost Adventures it 's been on my neck and will be until I am no more . One more thing , one time someone punched me in the chest joking around and hit me hard right on the talisman . The hit knocked the wind out of me . It hurt so bad , then I realized after I looked down at my shirt , that my talisman is stuck in my chest and I 'm bleeding all over . It felt like I was branded like superman in the TV show Smallville , LOL . As I pulled it away from my chest it was sticking in my skin . It felt so weird pulling it away from me . Like a bandage that 's stuck to a wound , but i realized my blood was on it and the talisman was in me in a way . Sounds odd , but that 's how it is , odd things with it . I continue this journey with all I have to face and fear along with it . I believe the talisman doesn 't keep me safe from spirits but keeps me and my ora grounded . Now I 'm understanding why the talisman fell in my lap . Its funny how life works , one day u live a normal life as a Production Cameraman to a real life Spirit Hunter . My point is , I thank the way the world works and for receiving this talisman . It really helped me believe even more that spirits roam with me and what I wear on my neck is no joke . If Aaron |
My best friend Josh and I was joyriding around in his newly acquired 1989 Toyota Corolla . Even if the car was 10 years old , Josh still had a car to drive . Josh was already 16 and I was to turn 16 in little over 4 months from now and my parents told me that I could get a car when I turned 16 . We were having the best time driving around seeing all our friends . Josh decided to drive out to a park just on the edge of town near the lake . He was driving a little fast , but I didn 't care , It was fun driving around with my best friend . All of a sudden , I knew that we weren 't going to make the curve . I heard his wheels squeal and that was the last thing I remember . I woke up in the hospital only to ask what happened . The nurse told me that I was in a car accident two days ago . I asked immediately if Josh was ok . She informed me that he was released from the hospital that same day with bruises and cuts . I realized that I wasn 't so lucky . My parents came into my room after they had learned that I had gained consciousness . They asked me how I was feeling . I told them that my head hurt and I ached all over . " Well after all that you 've been through , I can see why , " they added . My injuries were that I broke my right arm , with a cast from my fingers to my shoulder blade . My left was severely bruised and cut . I had 38 stitches to close one wound , which was wrapped in bandages from the upper thigh to my ankles My right leg had several bruises and cuts , which would make walking very difficult . Along with these injuries , they told me that I had bruised my bladder and my spleen had to be removed . The doctors didn 't know what type of damage was done and only time would tell . Because of my condition I had an external catheter placed on me , which was going to be removed once I gained consciousness . Since I had my arm was in a cast and my leg was wrapped up due to the several cuts and bruises , I was going to have to stay in bed for the most part for the duration of my hospital stay , which would be a week . I asked the doctor what if I had to go to the bathroom . He told me that there would be urinal for me to use and that when I needed to release my bowels , someone would help me to the toilet . He also told me that since my bladder was bruised that it might be possible that I might be come incontinent . Of course I didn 't know what that word meant , but I didn 't bother to ask . My parents , on the other hand , were extremely concerned about my pending condition . A male nurse came in and removed my catheter , which felt great to have that thing removed . He placed my urinal container next to my bedside . I asked him if I could wear underwear since I felt a little naked without them . He told me that if I had to go to the bathroom , It might be difficult to pull down my underwear in time to go and I would end up soiling myself . After he left I was given a lunch and shortly after that I fell asleep . My parents left my room and got something to eat . I woke up within 3 hours and felt cold and wet within my bed . I placed my hand inside my sheets and discovered that I had wet my bed . I didn 't want my parents to know this so I called the nurse . He told me that things like this happen and he would take care of it . He left and then returned with fresh linen , a new dry hospital gown and some other supplies . He helped me change out of my wet gown and had me roll over to one side so he could change the sheets . After the sheets were changed he went over to his supply cart and took out what appeared to be a disposable diaper . I asked what that was for and he replied that it was common for patients with injuries like you to wear some type of incontinent garment . I now knew what incontinent meant . I told him that I didn 't want to wear a diaper and that I wasn 't a baby and I was too old to wear diapers . He told me that I didn 't have much of a choice in the matter . Since there was the possibility of having more wetting accidents , it is the hospital rules that patients that have wetting accidents are required to wear some type of incontinent undergarments . The nurse uncovered me and placed the thick disposable diaper underneath me . I couldn 't believe that I was going to being diapered by a male nurse . He taped my diaper up and my gown was pulled down over the diaper . After everything was changed , he pulled my sheets and blanket over me . My parents came into my room again and asked I was I feeling . I told them that I felt terrible and no longer wanted to be in the hospital and wanted toLater on that afternoon , Josh had heard that I was conscious and came to the hospital to see me . He brought me a Gameboy for me and he said that he was really sorry what had happened . I asked him the condition of his car and he replied that it was totaled . The police ticketed him for speeding and driving too fast for conditions . He told me that my parents decided not to press any charges against him for the accident . I was glad to hear that . Josh asked me if he could see my leg , but I told him that maybe later . I didn 't want Josh to see that I was wearing a diaper . We visited a little while longer when the nurse came in and told Josh that visiting hours were over and that he had to leave . After Josh left , the nurse placed a clean dry diaper on my bed and proceeded to change my wet diaper . I hadn 't even realized that I had wet myself and was really bummed that I couldn 't control my bladder . My parents stayed with me an hour or two and as they were leaving I could feel that I was pooping in my diaper . I didn 't have any control over it and even didn 't feel the sensation that I had to poop . I didn 't want to spend the night in a messy diaper so I called for the nurse again . He asked me what the trouble was and I had to tell him that I had messed my pants . He said to me , " Aren 't you glad that we put a diaper on you . If you didn 't have a diaper on , this would be a terrible mess to clean up . " He retrieved a clean thick disposable diaper and pulled off the tapes of my wet and messy diaper . He took out some wipes and cleaned me up . As he was doing this and looking at the clean dry diaper that was going to be place on me , I couldn 't help but think if I was going to have to wear diapers for a long time . After I was cleaned up and placed in a dry diaper I felt better and quickly fell asleep . The next morning I woke up with my parents by my side . They asked me if I slept ok and that if I needed a change . I told that I slept ok and knew that I was really wet and confirmed that I needed a change . My dad said that he wanted to change me , so that way in case I would have to wear them at home he could re - learn how to change my diaper since I my legs were badly bruised , changing my own diapers would be difficult . I told him that I wasn 't going to wear diapers at home and that this would clear up before I left the hospital . He said , " I hope so . " He went over and pulled out a thick disposable diaper from the linen closet and uncovered me and pulled up my gown exposing my awfully wet disposable diaper . " Looks like you had a very wet night . I bet wearing these diapers make sleeping more comfortable ? " I didn 't say anything as he proceeded to change my diapers . The nurse came in and said that it was hospital procedures that the nurse takes care of diaper changes but thanked my dad for doing it . I guess the hospital didn 't want any lawsuits , so any type of changes in dressings , I . V changes or even diaper changes , it was hospital rules that nurses to do them . My friends and relatives during the course of my hospital stay visited me . Josh visited every day , which I enjoyed . I made sure that no one knew that I had to wear diapers . One day I was placed in a wheelchair and Josh took me all over the hospital to get me out of my hospital room . During this tour I had wet myself really good and I needed a diaper change . I told Josh to return to my room and then I called for the nurse . When the nurse came in , he asked Josh to leave for a few minutes . After the nurse had changed my diapers and told Josh he could come back into the room , Josh asked what had happened and why he had to leave the room . I explained that I had to go to the bathroom and felt uneasy with you being in the room . I told him that with my legs the way they were and having my arm in a cast , I needed help to the bathroom and felt embarrassed about it . " Don 't worry about it , we all need help from time to time and before you know it you 'll be good as new " . I hoped that Josh was right and that I could get out of these diapers real soon before anyone knew about them . The day had came when I was going to be released from the hospital . The doctors told me that the incision from the removal of my spleen would heal in about 4 - 6 weeks . The leg needed to heal after about 4 - 6 weeks of the bruises and major cuts . The stitches would dissolve on their own in about a month and a half . My arm cast would come off in about 2 to 2 ½ months . He told me that he wasn 't sure if I would regain control of my bladder . He told me that I would have to give it more time to heal and that hopefully my bladder would go back to its normal working condition . By this time I had bowel control , which I was extremely pleased with . Wetting myself was one thing , but messing myself was another . I was released to the care of my parents and leaving the hospital wearing a thick disposable diaper . By this time also , I learned that I could walk with crutches , but at a very slow pace . I was going to have a wheelchair in my house to make things easier for me to get around if I wanted to . My parents were going to have the den turned into my bedroom , since it was on the first floor of our house and closer to the kitchen and other areas of the house . My bedroom was on the 2nd floor and walking up the stairs with my legs would be too difficult for me . Once we got home and I was helped into the house I told my dad that I needed a change . He helped me on my bed and took off the hospital pajamas that I had on and changed my wet diaper . After my diapers were changed he brought in a pair of Nike breakaway running pants . He told me that these running pants would be perfect for me to get on especially with my legs all wrapped up from the bandages and would make my diaper changes easier . I used my crutches as much as possible . I did not want to depend on my wheelchair , although my wheelchair was there for my use if I was pushing myself too hard and were it to become difficult to walk . Even with my legs badly damaged and my arm in a cast , using my crutches was a slow method of transportation . Hopefully I would be able to learn tAfter lunch , Josh stopped over to see how I was doing . We talked a little bit about the accident and how he wasn 't able going to fix his car . As it turns out , his car was totaled and his parents weren 't going to help him out since the accident was his fault and he injured his best friend . His parents told him that he would have save up his own money to buy a new car , which according to Josh , could be a couple of years . As we were talking , my parents stuck their heads into my room and said that they needed to go to the store to pick up some supplies and groceries and would it be alright if Josh could stay with me until they got back . They did not want to leave me alone , in case I would happen to need something or fall from my crutches . I told them , " Sure , go on ahead , I 'll be fine . Josh and I will play Nintendo while you 're gone . " Since I just had my diaper changed just before Josh came over , I knew that I wouldn 't need another change before dinner . Josh and I played Nintendo all afternoon and he never once suspected that I was wearing a disposable diaper . While we were playing Nintendo , I did wet myself . But it was later in the afternoon and Josh was about to leave , so I didn 't have to worry about changing myself while Josh was present . Around 4 : 30pm my parents returned with loads of groceries . Josh decided to leave as soon as my parents came back . He said that we should do something tomorrow morning to get you out of the house . I said that would be fine , but call first . As my parents were unloading the car and bringing in the groceries , my dad carried in a case of disposable diapers and several large bags of stuff that must came from a Home Health Care store . At this time , I didn 't what the bags contained of , but I figured that it would most certainly be wrapping for my casts and such . Right before dinner my dad asked me if I needed a change . I replied with a certain yes . I hobbled over toward my bed and lay down . Since my arm was in a cast , it was impossible for me to change myself , so until my arm cast came off , I would have to depend on someone else to change my diapers or hopefully when I no longer needed diapers . My dad unsnapped my Nike pants and un - taped my wet diaper . He went over to new case of Attends diapers and pulled one out . As he was putting the dry one on me , I couldn 't help but notice that this diaper was thicker than the one I wore from the hospital . My dad explained that since I tended to wet my diapers a little more heavily than expected , it would only be right for me to wear a thicker diaper to handle my daytime wettings . After my snap - on pants were pulled back into place I noticed the extra bulk of diaper causing my pants to be more on the bulk side . My dad told me that I would get use to wearing these diapers over a period of time . " What does he mean , Over a period of time . Does he think I 'm going to continue in having daytime and nighttime accidents require diapers longer than I expect ? " After dinner , I was pretty exhausted from today 's activities , so I told my parents that I was going to bed early . They thought it was probably a good idea . I needed my rest to get well again . I entered my new bedroom on the first floor as my dad followed me inside . I was able to take off my shirt and snap pants with little or no ease . As I sat on my bed , wearing only my wet and now messy disposable diaper , my dad said to me , " looks like someone couldn 't quite make it to the bathroom . I see that I have a messy diaper to change as well as a wet one . " I told him that right after dinner I felt the urge to go # 2 , but before I knew it I couldn 't hold it in anymore and I messed my diaper . He replied , " that 's why I 'm wearing diapers , to keep me from wetting and messing my pants . " He pulled off my wet and messy diaper and cleaned me up . As I was lying there on the bed butt naked , my dad went over to the closet and pulled out what appeared to be cloth diapers and plastic pants . He explained that since I was going to have to wear a thicker diaper at night to handle additional hours without a diaper change . My parents thought that to save money I would wear thick cloth diapers and plastic pants to bed . I was mortified that I was going to be diapered like a newborn baby . It was one thing in having to wear disposable diapers during the day , but having to wear regular cloth diapers and plastic pants at night was another . My dad told me that no one would ever learn of my diapered state , unless I told him . My dad placed 3 thick cloth diapers underneath me and pinned them up on each side with 2 large diaper pins . My night diapers were made of Birdseye diaper cloth with a terry cloth soaker panel in the middle of the diaper . My diaper pins were larger than normal , but other than the size , they looked exactly like baby diaper pins . Once my diapers were pinned snuggly on me , my dad produced a large size pair of plastic pants . These plastic pants weren 't the pull - on style , but they were of the snap on style . Since The next morning I woke up and placed my hand inside my plastic pants only to discover very wet diapers . Within moments , my dad came in and retrieved a disposable diaper from my closet . He threw off my covers and unsnapped my plastic pants . He carefully unpinned my very wet diapers . He grabbed the disposable diaper and placed it underneath me and taped it in place . I sat up and with the help of my dad ; I put on a pair of cotton running shorts and a tee shirt . I got my crutches and went into the kitchen for breakfast . As I walked toward the kitchen I noticed the crinkling sound as I walked . I guess this was from the plastic backing from my disposable diaper and I would have to get use to it and even try to cover it up . After breakfast Josh appeared on my doorstop . My mom invited him in and we both went into the living room . As I sat down on the sofa , I could tell that Josh had heard the crinkling sound , but wasn 't sure if he knew what it was or even the fact that I was wearing diapers . He looked at me every time he heard the crinkling and asked me what that noise was . I told him that I didn 't hear anything . Josh asked me if I wanted to go with him to the mall later on that morning . He told me that his mom would drive them and it would be cool if Josh could push me around the mall in a wheelchair . I wanted to go and get out of the house . It had been awhile since I was out in public and needed to see some of my friends again . My mother told Josh that it would be a wonderful idea to get me out of the house . Josh said to me , " Well , go and get dressed and I 'll call my mom to pick us up . We 'll leave from here . " My mother told Josh that why don 't you go home and then you and your mother can pick up Tim . Josh thought it over and said , " OK , I 'll be back within a half hour . " After Josh left I told my mother I was a little apprehensive about going out in public wearing diapers . My mother told me not to worry and no one would ever notice . Both my mom and I went into my room in which I took off my shorts anOnce in the mall I traded my crutches for a wheelchair . Josh carefully helped me into the chair and while he was doing this he gave me a strange look , like he had noticed something . We enjoyed ourselves and spent the entire late morning and afternoon in the mall . We had lunch in the food court and right after lunch Josh said that he had to go to the bathroom . He asked me if I needed to use the facility and needed help getting into the stall to go to the bathroom . I told him that I didn 't need to use the restroom , which of course was the truth . I already had wet my diaper by this time . Since I was wearing an extra thick disposable diaper , I was confident that my diaper would handle the entire afternoon . Josh didn 't comment on that fact that during the entire day , I hadn 't used the restroom and could tell that he was putting two and two together . After our day at the mall ended , his mother pulled up their van to the curbside and Josh helped me get from the wheelchair to the van . He was helping me with one arm and as I got into the van I could feel that my shirt had ridden up but was unsure if my disposable diaper was visible or that if Josh had seen my diapers . I was dropped off at my house , Josh and his mother left . Once in side , my mother asked me to my bedroom , she knew that I needed a diaper change . My diaper was changed and we sat down and ate dinner . Josh called and asked if he could come over and sit outside on this warm summer night . I thought it would be a good idea and told him to come over . Since it was really warm outside , my mother had me put on a pair of cotton shorts , like the ones I had on in the morning . My diaper was just changed and I didn 't need another change . Josh came over and we both sat outside in the lawn chairs . We talked about how much fun it was to spend the day with me . He was glad to see me enjoy myself , too . Josh had opened up the discussion about my injuries and everything that had happened . Then he said to me , " Tim , can I ask you a personal question ? " I said , " sure , " " Well , this morning when I was over , I had noticed a crinkling sound and then during the entire day I had noticed that you never once did need to use the bathroom . I also noticed that while you sat in the wheelchair , your pants seemed unusually bulky for the type of pants you were wearing . Then while I was helping you out of the wheelchair and into the van , I noticed something that confirmed my suspicions . " " I was hoping that wearing diapers would be a short - term problem and no one would ever have to know , but I guess I should have told you from the start . Apparently because of the accident , I had bruised my bladder to cause enough damage to lose control over my bladder . The doctors don 't know when I 'll be able to control my bladder or even ever . So until this problem of mine continues , I have to wear diapers to prevent wetting accidents , " I told Josh . " No not really , at first yes , but if I sit on the toilet in the morning before a diaper is put on me and in the evening , I can pretty much control my bowels . Once in awhile I have messed my diapers because I couldn 't get to the bathroom in time . Luckily for me , that I 'm wearing diapers or otherwise I 'd have a huge mess to deal with , " I confessed . " I don 't know , I was put into disposable diapers at the hospital and that was the only thing my parents put me into after the hospital . I guess I should ask them if I could try wearing something like that . It sure would beat wearing diapers . " " I can 't believe that because of my actions on the day of the accident , you are now in diapers . I can 't help but feel that this is my entire fault and I won 't blame you if you don 't want to be my friend anymore . What can I do to make this up to you ? " Josh told me . I replied to Josh that I don 't blame him for the accident , it was something that just happened and as far as my injuries go , I 'll get better over time . I did ask him that I needed him to be my friend more now that ever as since I 'm in diapers , I 'm not sure who 'll be my friend now . Josh placed his hand on my leg and told me that he 'll do whatever it takes and it doesn 't matter if I wear diapers or not , he 'd always be my friend . My mom called and told Josh that he had needed go home that it was getting pretty late and that I needed to get to bed . As I got up from the lawn chair , you really could hear the crinkling from my disposable diapers . All Josh said as he padded my diapered rear end , " Tim I 'm glad to told me about your diapers and I 'm sorry that this had to happen buddy and your secret is safe with me . I won 't tell a soul about you wearing diapers . " " Thanks , Josh , " I added . Josh left through the side yard and I went inside the house . After getting a quick glass of milk I went into my bedroom and lay down on my bed . My dad pulled off my shorts and took off my wet disposable diaper . He placed some thick cloth diapers underneath me and while he was doing this he said to me , " I 'm glad that you told Josh that you have to wear diapers . Now you don 't have to hide it anymore . " He finished pinning my diapers in place and started to snap on my plastic pants in place when I asked him if I could try in wearing those Goodnites or Pull - ups instead of diapers . He responded that he never thought of something like that . He just assumed that diapers were the only item that would contain my wettings . He said that he would go to the store yet tonight and buy some , if they make them in my size , that way I would be able to try them out in the morning . After I was securely placed in my night diapers I fell asleep . The next morning I was wet as usual and my dad took off my very wet diapers and gave me my bath as they did every morning . My dad pulled out a package of XL Goodnites , which said that it would fit up to 125lbs . He opened the package and told me I should to able to put these on by myself , since they were a pull - on style . He helped me the first time , pulling the disposable underwear over my damaged legs , it was alittle difficult , but overall they fit perfectly . My dad added that the only thing that was at a disadvantage was that when I needed to change these Goodnites , I would have to have off my shoes and pants in order to put a dry one back on . I said that I 'd rather do that then have to wear a bulky diaper all day . " I hope they work . You 're a pretty heavy wetter and hopefully they are absorbent enough to handle your daytime accidents , " My dad told me . After breakfast I needed to entertain myself for the day as Josh had to go to his grandmother 's for the day and my dad went to work and my mom was busy with the housework . As I played Nintendo , I felt that I was wetting myself . As the liquid absorbed into my disposable underpants , I also noticed that they were leaking on the leg opening . I got up quick as possible to avoid the chair from being wet than it already was . I thought to myself that maybe I didn 't have them on correctly which caused them to leak . I took off my wet shorts and pulled apart the wet Goodnite . I pulled another Goodnite on and put on another pair of clean , dry shorts over them . After I changed myself , I noticed all the supplies in my closet when I was pulling out a dry Goodnite . I decided to have a better look . Inside my closet I noticed several cloth diapers , numerous diaper pins and dozens of plastic pants . Some of the plastic pants weren 't like the ones I wore to bed , but some of them were the pull on style and some of them had prints on them . I examined a pair of plastic pants that had the print on them only to discover that they had circus animals on them . I thought that my parents accidentally bought these , but upon further investigation I noticed that these plastic pants were indeed my size . Wearing cloth diapers and plastic pants at night was one thing , but to wear more of a babyish plastic pants over my diapers was another . Also in my closet , was a tee shirt that was longer and had snaps at the bottom . It looked like an Onesies that babies wore over their diapers to conceal their diapered bottom . As I looked at the various types of disposable diapers that were in my closet I noticed the regular ones that were sent with me from the hospital , the thicker disposable diapers and some disposable diapers that were baby blue in coloring . These diapers even had the same prints on the front of the diaper as those plastic pants had . I couldn 't believe my eyes of all the diapers and supplies that were in my closet . I even noticed what aI returned in playing Nintendo for the rest of the morning . About lunchtime , my mother came into my room and told me that lunch was ready . As she told me , she asked me if I had wet myself . I looked down and noticed that my shorts were wet along with the chair I was sitting in . I didn 't even notice that I had wet myself playing Nintendo . I was so intent in playing my games that I didn 't notice that I wet my pants . She asked me if I was wearing the Goodnites , in which I responded that I was wearing them . " Obviously those Goodnites don 't protect you was well as you have wanted them to . Lets get you changed into something dry before you have your lunch . " My mother helped me pull down my wet shorts and then the extremely wet Goodnite . She told me to lie down on my bed in which she pulled out a thick disposable diaper , and placed it underneath me and taped them up . She helped me pull on another clean pair of shorts and right then I knew that I wouldn 't be able to wear the Goodnites anymore on the count that I couldn 't rely on their protection and I was going to have to wear regular diapers to keep me dry . After lunch my mother told me that we were going to the grocery store to pick up some things that they had forgotten on their recent trip . She told me that she wanted me to go along , since she didn 't want to leave me alone . She asked me if I needed another change before going out for the afternoon . I told her that it wouldn 't be such a bad idea to have a clean fresh diaper on . I went into my bedroom and lied down . My mom took off my shorts and un - taped my damp diaper . She got out one of those baby blue diapers with the prints on the front and proceeded to place them on me . As she was doing this , she told me that she wasn 't sure that these diapers would fit me since they were made for older toddlers and young kids , but the package said that it would fit up to a 30 " waist . She was surprised to see how well that these diapers fit me . As I pulled my mesh shorts up over the diapers , you could sort of see the disposable diapers that were underneath the mesh shorts . I liked the feel and look of these diapers . They looked like baby disposable diapers , but slightly larger which fitted me perfectly . I was actually going out in public wearing regular diapers and I didn 't care that I was diapered . I put on a Nike T - shirt on and hobbled out to the van with my crutches . I decided to use my crutches once inside the store to keep up with my Mom . As I walked with my crutches , I was bent over slightly and by doing this , my shorts revealed a bit more of the bulkiness of my diapers . Even the crinkling sound of my disposable diaper seemed to have increased due to the fact that of my mesh shorts . We shopped awhile people were staring at me , I guess because of my legs all wrapped up and all , but I was worried that they might have noticed the bulk of my diaper . As we headed toward the checkout lines , we passed the incontinence aisle . There in plain view were some packages of disposable diapers for older children and teenagers . They were called Peaudouce Junior Disposable Diapers . Apparently Peaudouce is equivalent to Proctor aAfter dinner my dad helped me with a diaper change and noticed that I was wearing a thicker diaper than I previously wore and asked me why I was wearing them thicker . I explained that I was wetting more heavily and mom thought that I needed a thicker absorbent diaper to handle my accidents . He did agree with my mom , but told me that it might be harder to conceal my diapers if I continued in wearing a thicker diaper . He also told me that I seemed in getting use to wearing diapers and wetting them . Maybe it was time that I try a little harder in controlling my bladder . I told my dad that I would love to have control over my bladder and stop wearing diapers , but I can 't feel when I was going to wet myself , so I 'd rather wear them than having to wet myself . He agreed along with me that as long as I didn 't mind wearing diapers then they didn 't have a problem with it , either . After my diaper change my folks and I watched a movie for the rest of the night . Once the movie was over I hobbled over toward my room and started to get ready for bed . I told my parents that I wanted to start in getting ready for bed by myself and they let me try . After I removed my wet disposable diaper , which was the easiest part of changing my diaper , but when I tried in placing my thick cloth diapers underneath me and pinning them in place my dad watched me and said that " maybe you still need a little help . " I said ok . He repositioned my cloth diapers and expertly pinned them in place . He helped me snap on my plastic pants over my thick overnight diapers . I got to admit that I really enjoyed being babied by my parents when it came to having my diapers changed . I fell asleep with in 10 minutes after climbing into bed . The next morning I woke up with very wet diaper as usual . It hard to believe that within a few weeks I went from wearing underwear ( briefs or boxers ) to becoming totally dependent on diapers . As I felt my very wet diaper through my oversized plastic pants , I couldn 't help but feel how nice it felt to actually be wearing diapers . I had no idea that wearing diapers could be pleasurable if not darn right sexual . So far the only thing that I did sexual with my diapers was to masturbate . I enjoyed the feeling of wet diapers or even clean dry diapers , but masturbating in them was a turn on for me . I did not discuss this with my parents or even Josh , but I think my parents might know , as they might be able to tell when they change my wet diapers . I got up out of bed and retrieved a disposable diaper from the new package of Peaudouce my mother bought yesterday . They were extremely thick and had padding on the sides . The diapers like I said earlier were a light baby - blue coloring and they even had prints on the front of the diaper , just like baby diapers , but these prints were more geared for older children , such as sailboats , anchors etc . They also had a waistband like found on the Attends , but looking at them they really looked liked over - sized baby diapers . I sat on the edge of my bed , un - snapped my plastic pants and took them off . As I started to un - pin my very wet cloth diaper , my dad walked in on me . As he saw what I was trying to do , he told me that if I needed any help that I was to call him . I continued in changing my diaper , by wiping myself with some Huggies baby wipes and then proceeding in placing the new disposable diaper underneath me . I was having a hard time taping on my disposable diaper with one hand , so I called my dad for help . After my dad finished diapered me , I looked at the mirror and it was amazing that the diapers I had on actually looked liked real disposable baby diapers , nice and thick . I did not want to admit that I actually enjoyed wearing nice thick diapers . I know that I shouldn 't enjPart 2 - " The Recovery " As I admired the way these new " Peaudouce " disposable diapers looked on me , I started to get dressed when my dad told me that we would be going to church yet this morning . I went over to my closet and picked out a pair of dress slacks and tried to put them over my wrappings , but it was difficult to slip them over my leg , let alone try to wear them over my very thick disposable diaper . My dad sensing that I was having difficulty selecting the proper attire for church , looked in my closet and pulled out a pair of Dockers casual dress slacks that I didn 't know they existed . He explained to me that while shopping for my diaper supplies , they though that I would need some additional clothing to fit over my new thick underwear . They decided to shop at J . C . Penney 's in the mall . They choose this pair because the fabric stretched and would easily pull over my leg . They also picked out the waist size that was about 2 " bigger than what I normally wear to accommodate diapers for their teenage son . I sat on the edge of my bed and pulled the slacks over my legs and up and over my Peaudouce disposable diapers . I selected a long sleeve dress shirt and tucked them into my pants . As I was putting on my belt , I noticed that my pants were slightly on the bulky side . This was caused because of the thick diapers I had on underneath . I thought to myself that they weren 't really that noticeable , or at least that 's what I hoped for . I liked having to wear diapers , but then I didn 't want to advertise that I was wearing diapers . After breakfast my parents and I climbed into the family van , me in tow with my crutches and headed off to church . Once inside St . Paul 's Lutheran church , I meet up with a friend ( Jason ) whom I saw at the grocery store . He asked his parents if it would be all right if he sat with me . They asked my parents and they said it would be ok . Jason and I sat behind my parents . I was having a slight problem getting into the pews with my leg as they were and with my crutches . Jason helped me with my crutches , which both of us sat down next to each other . I noticed the crinkling sound of disposable diapers , which I assumed was coming from me , Jason seemed to notice as well . During the church service , we had to stand up occasionally from time to time and every time we had to do this , I heard the crinkling of what I thought was my diaper and of course Jason looked at me every time he heard the sound too . I didn 't think he knew that I was actually had diapers on , but I knew that he saw the package of Peaudouce disposable diapers in the shopping cart at the grocery store yesterday . With my shorts bulking out yesterday and now with the crinkling of my disposable diaper underneath my slacks today , I 'm sure that he had figured it out . After the service ended Jason helped me with my crutches and was behind me waiting to exit our row of pews , when he placed his hand along my waistline for a brief minute . I could feel that his hand had touched the top plastic of my diaper underneath my shirt . I knew his because you could hear the crinkling as he touched me . He didn 't say anything , but he did give me a strange look . I wondered if he knew that they were diapers because of the slipperiness of the plastic and the obvious crinkling noise . We parted company and my parents and I headed for home . We stopped on the way home from church to Kentucky Fried Chicken to pick - up Sunday dinner . My mom didn 't feel like cooking today so they decided to treat with an entire prepared dinner . Once we got home , my dad asked me if I needed a diaper change before we ate , but I said , " No , I 'm ok " . I said this because I was really hungry and just loved Kentucky Fried Chicken . Although I lied and really could have used a diaper change , I wasn 't willing to wait another minute . I thoroughly enjoyed my dinner and didn 't notice that I had severally wet my diaper beyond soaked , which in turn caused my pants to get wet . As I was getting up from the table my parents noticed my wet slacks and questioned me about them . My dad asked me , " Didn 't I ask you if you needed a diaper change right as we got home , and didn 't you tell me that you didn 't need a change ? Then how come you have wet your diaper so bad that they leaked , young man ? " I responded that I thought I would be able to go without a change and I was really hungry and wanted to eat . My dad told me that " just because you are hungry don 't mean that you can go without having your diaper change when it needs it . There is no point of you wearing diapers if you are going to soak your diaper beyond the point of over - saturation . " My dad promptly told me to go into my room and get undressed so that my diaper could be changed . While I was getting undressed , my dad came into my room and pulled out one of my AttendsÔ disposable diapers and started to poke holes in the outer plastic covering of the diaper . I didn 't know what my dad was up to , but this couldn 't be good . After finishing taking off my church clothes , I lay down on my bed so that my dad could change my wet diaper . My dad proceeded to un - tape my soaked diaper , rolled it up and threw it away . He then cleaned me up with some baby wipes and placed the dry disposable diaper underneath me with an added diaper liner inside the disposable . After he taped the diaper up on me I asked him why he poked holes in the diaper , in which he replied , " You 'll see in a minute ! " My dad then went over to the closet and pulled out some thick cloth diapers , diaper pins and plastic pants . He came back toward me and told me to lift up my butt , which he placed the thick cloth diapers underneath me and pinned them up over my disposable diaper . I asked him why he was putting two types of diapers on me . He replied that since I have a problem with wetting my pants and not letting them know when I need a diaper change , then for the reminder of the day , I was going to wear these thick diapers to remind me of my wetting accident . " I 'm sure that you won 't leak with the added diapers along with your normal disposable diapers . " He also told me that he is sorry about the accident , which caused me some bladder damage and now needed to wear diapers . He continued in saying that , " I know that it must be hard for someone of your age to start wearing diapers again , but there is no point in having to wear them if you are just going to over - saturate your diaper . You have to remember to change your diaper before it becomes a problem . " He then said to me , " You 'll keep these diapers on , until your bedtime at that point we 'll change you into your night diaper . Since you will be thickly diapered for the rest of the afternoon , what you do for the rest of the day is up to you ! " After he finished telling me this , he pulled a pair of " Soft N ' Silent " pull - on vinyl pants over the thick diapers . He then pulled a pair of Nikeâ cotton shorts over my obviously thick diapers and plastic pants . I stood up which you still could hear the crinkling of the disposable diaper that was underneath the thick cloth diaper and plastic pants that covered it . The noise wasn 't quite as loud as normal , but you still could detect the crinkling sound . My dad then handed me a T - shirt , which when I put it on , I noticed that it was on the short side . He told me that I wasn 't to change clothes until bedtime . After my dad left my bedroom , I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn 't believe that I resembled a toddler instead of the 15 - year old I was . To me my diapers were really noticeable and very time I bent or leaned over , my shirt , which was on the short side to begin with , rode up and the top of my plastic pants showed . I came out of my bedroom and once my mom saw me wearing really thick diapers , she asked my dad why . He told my mom , " since he didn 't care that he had wet himself and didn 't tell us that he needed a change , then he is going to wear a diaper that is thick enough so he won 't wet his pants again . " My mom agreed with my dad that maybe it was best to teach me a lesson , after all she said that they weren 't really that noticeable . " Yah , right mom , " I said . " These diapers are so thick that I can 't put my legs together ! " I added . " Well then maybe the next time you can inform your dad or myself when you 're wet and need a change and not wait until you leak . Remember that your diapers are for your own protection against wet clothing and bedding . It doesn 't do anybody any good if you over - saturate your diapers , " she said . She also told me , " if you weren 't going to ask for a change , then we should start to check your diaper and change your diaper like parents do to baby that can 't talk . " I replied that I didn 't want that and that I would ask for a change when needed . I decided to play Nintendo in my room for the rest of the day . I enjoyed wearing diapers , but the way I was diapered and dressed it was an advertisement that I wore diapers . I couldn 't let anyone see my thickly diapered state , even Josh . About one hour into my game , the doorbell rang . I didn 't run to the door and answer it like I 'd normally do , but decided to stay put . Who could blame me … who would want to see a 15 - year old boy in very thick diapers and plastic pants . I didn 't pay much attention to who was at the door but within a minute , my mom told me that I had visitor . I hadn 't even gotten the chance to cover up my shamefully thick shorts , when Jason stepped into my bedroom doorway . " Hi , Tim . I thought I 'd stop by and see what you are up to this afternoon . Hope you don 't mind me stopping by without notice ? " Jason asked me . " No , that 's alright . I was just playing a Nintendo game . Have a seat , " I replied to Jason . As Jason sat down on the floor next to me , I noticed the familiar crinkling sound that I was use to hearing when I sat down or walked . I really didn 't think too much of it , but when Jason moved about , I heard the crinkling sound again . Maybe I was alittle paranoid about Jason finding out about my diapers . I quickly finished the game that I was playing and as I was doing this I felt myself wet . I let out a gusher but luckily for me I had on so much protection that there would no way I could have leaked . I was alittle embarrassed that I had wet myself in front of Jason , but he didn 't seem to notice . I wondered if Jason was just being nice and not saying anything about my shorts being so bulky . But when you think about it , how could you not notice the bulk in my shorts , the crinkling of the disposable diaper underneath my thick cloth diapers or even my plastic pants that would stick out if I weren 't careful . Jason didn 't say anything to me yet but did look at my shorts once in awhile . After I finished my game , I asked Jason if he wanted to play a game with me . He told me that he would love to . I set the controls for two people and both of us started to play Nintendo on the floor in my bedroom . I was getting really comfortable around Jason , after all he never mentioned about my diapers . I guess he probably didn 't even think that a 15 - year old would be diapered . As the game continued , Jason moved around when it was his turn . I could swear that every time Jason moved about , I heard the crinkling sound , like it was coming from Jason himself . Could it be that Jason wore diapers , too ? Nah , he couldn 't be . I never yet meet anyone my age that still wore diapers . I knew that my plastic pants were showing from the leg openings from my shorts , but Jason did seem to look directly at them , but he didn 't say a word . There I go again , being paranoid about the whole diaper thing . He probably doesn 't have a clue that I 'm wearing diapers . While our game continued , I score big time points and Jason in retaliation , push me over on the floor . My shirt rode up , exposing my plastic pants and bits of my cloth diapers and even a bit of my disposable diaper sticking out from the cloth diaper to Jason . As I bent forward to correct myself , Jason tugged at my plastic pants and said to me , " Nice underwear , Tim ! " I didn 't know what to say and before I could say anything … Jason said to me , " You don 't have to worry about anything Tim . Your secret is safe with me . I know that you wear diapers , but why ? " I explained to him that it started several weeks ago when I was in that car accident with Josh . Apparently my bladder was damaged and now I have to wear diapers all the time to help me from wetting my pants . Jason said to me , " but at church this morning , you weren 't wearing them this thick ? " I explained that after church I didn 't ask for a change and ended up wetting myself , " so my dad made me wear these really thick diapers for the entire day . I guess he wanted to make sure I didn 't leak again and teach me a lesson that I need to have my diaper changed when it needs it . " I also told him that I was alittle embarrassed in seeing him , especially when I was wearing a thick disposable diaper , another thick cloth diaper and then plastic pants underneath my shorts . Jason just replied , " Well , the way you 're thickly diapered , I don 't think that you have to worry about wetting your pants and I 'm sure that your diapers can handle all the wettings until bedtime . " " Not at all , Tim . I kinda figured that you wore diapers when I saw you and your mom at the grocery store the other day . I noticed the package of those junior disposable diapers in your shopping cart ; you know the ultra thick kind . I even noticed that you might even be wearing them at the store because your mesh shorts kinda showed them . Then this morning at church , I heard that familiar crinkling sound when you moved about , especially when you sat down . That 's when I knew that you were wearing diapers , but I didn 't know why you were wearing them . I had to come over this afternoon to see if you were actually wearing them . " " Well , umm , well I guess , I mean , umm , it said so on the package , " as Jason stumbled to talk . " I also have a brother who is in diapers and he always crinkles when he moves about , like you . " Jason added . I thought about it a minute or so and then decided that he could be right . " Hey , why don 't you sleep over this Friday night . Since you now know that I wear diapers , it won 't be a big deal . We could have lots of fun , " I asked Jason . I could tell that Jason was taken back by my offer to spend the night over at my house and he did squirm alittle and as he did , I noticed once again the crinkling sound . " Ok , something is not right here , Jason . First you come over here to see if I 'm wearing diapers and then when I ask you to sleep over at my house , you turn me down . Is it because I have to wear diapers or something else ? Another thing , you say you can hear the crinkling of my disposable diaper underneath my pants , but I could swear that when you move about I could hear the same crinkling sound . Is there something your not telling me Jason ! " I asked of him . " Look Jason , you can tell me anything . I mean , you know that I wear diapers , so what 's the big deal ? " I replied back . " Well , you know that I said that I noticed a familiar crinkling sound of your diaper , well how can I say this right . I might as well show you instead ! " Jason quietly said . With very little warning , Jason unbuckled his jeans and tugged them down just enough for me to get a good look at what he was wearing . My suspicions where right … Jason was not wearing regular underwear as any normal 15 - year old should be wearing but what Jason had on was a disposable diaper . I couldn 't believe my eyes . Here Jason is , the same age as I and he is wearing the same Junior Peaudouce disposable diapers that I was wearing . Even like myself , Jason 's diaper seemed to be wet as well . " I 've been a bedwetter all my life and have been wearing diapers at night to control my bedwetting , but recently within a few months or so , I started in having daytime accidents . My parents decided that if I was going to wet my pants , too , then I was going to have to start to wear daytime diapers . I haven 't worn them to school yet and hopefully I won 't have to . My parents generally make me wear them after school or on weekends . I guess this is their punishment for my daytime accidents , " Jason told me . " No , I really don 't need daytime diapers , but those daytime accidents happened in part that I was too lazy to go to the bathroom when I needed too , " Jason replied . " Although I do have to admit , these Junior Disposable Diapers are really soft and more comfortable than I thought they 'd be . I really don 't miss wearing regular underwear ! " Jason confided in me . " Well , not at first . I hated the fact that I had to wear diapers again . I mean , I 'm fifteen . Fifteen year - olds don 't wear diapers . We should be wearing boxer shorts or regular briefs , not diapers . I was never a bedwetter like you , but since the accident and returning in wearing diapers all the time ; I 'm getting used to wearing them . Of course , now that I have to wear them , they are actually very comfortable and soft like you said , " I replied . " These Peaudouce junior diapers are really comfortable , although the AttendsÔ disposable diapers fit better and are abit more thicker . Do you ever wear cloth diapers and plastic pants , Jason ? " I asked . " No , my parents always have put me in disposable diapers at night . It makes it easier for me to change myself and this way they don 't have to deal with washing any diapers ! " Jason replied . " Do you wear cloth diapers and plastic pants , Tim ? " Jason asked me . " It 's not all that bad . At first I thought myself as a baby when they diapered me that first night in cloth diapers and plastic pants , but then I realized that this was only for the night time and no one would ever see them , except for today . The only problem with cloth diapers is that when they are wet , you actually know that you are wet , unlike wearing a disposable diaper , the wetness passes through the diaper leaving you nice and dry . Sometimes it sorta nice being in nice comfy thick cloth diapers and a nice pair of super soft plastic pants . It makes you feel all comfortable and secure , " I told him . We talked alittle more about being fifteen and still wearing diapers . We discussed about the fact that I might have to return to school wearing diapers and I told him that I was hoping that my bladder would heal by then and I would no longer have the need for diapers . Jason told me that he 'd better get heading home , especially when Jason told me that he had wet his diaper again and needed a change . I offered Jason one of my disposable diapers to change in to , but he told me that he felt alittle uncomfortable about changing in someone else 's house . We did talk about staying over at each other 's house some night and he agreed that since the both of us knew about each other 's diapers that it probably would be ok to do so . Jason also thanked me for being open about his diapers and sharing my feelings about myself wearing them . Jason left my house and I was thrilled that I wasn 't the only 15 year - old still in diapers , or at least most of the time . Maybe wearing diapers wasn 't going to be that bad after all . I also was thrilled at the prospect of both Jason and I sleeping over some night . We would be sleeping in the same room wearing the same nightwear , which of course was DIAPERS . My mom came into my room and told me that dinner was almost ready and I was to wash up . I asked her if I could get out of these thick diapers as they were getting abit uncomfortable , but she replied that I was being punished for wetting myself and I would have to stay thickly diapered until bedtime . Well at least I wouldn 't have to worry about leaking but what I wasn 't prepared for was what was to happen after dinner . My parents and I enjoyed the dinner my mom prepared and we talked about several topics , but the only topic that wasn 't discussed was that I was thickly diapered for abusing my say when I needed a diaper change earlier in the day . After dinner , I had the urge to poop , and I knew that I was to be kept in these very thick diapers until bedtime . I didn 't know what to do . I thought about taking off my diapers and using the toilet to release my bowels , but I wasn 't sure what my parents would do if the found out that I used the toilet . It was bad enough wearing these really thick diapers for wetting myself , but could you imagine what they would do to me for not using my diapers for that they were intended for . The urge was getting so bad , that finally about ½ hour later I messed in my diaper . I could feel the warm sticky mass spreading around inside my diaper . Thank - God that I was double diapered , as if I wasn 't , I 'm sure that it would have leaked out of my disposable diaper . I decided to play another Nintendo game and as I sat down , I could feel the thick mass spread even more around my buttocks and groin . I was feeling very uncomfortable by this time . About 2 hours later my mom came into my room and told me that it was time that I get ready for bedtime . I was told to lie down on my bed so she could change my diaper . She pulled off my shirt , shorts and socks , exposing my thickly diapered state . She knew that I was wet , but never realized what she would find after pulling off my plastic pants . After my plastic pants were removed , a smell permeated the room . She then said to me , " My God , eiAfter un - pinning my cloth diapers , she noticed that I had messed my diaper and it was leaking onto the cloth diaper as well . " You 're a mess , I guess this is my fault . If you were allowed to use the bathroom , you wouldn 't have messed in your diapers . I 'm sorry that you were kept in these really thick diapers all day and that you had to mess in them , too . I bet that you couldn 't have been really comfortable . I know that you need diapers to control your bladder , but you shouldn 't have to worry about messing in them too . Can you forgive us , Tim ? " she said . Wearing these really thick diapers really wasn 't all that bad . They were actually comfortable and not once did I have to worry about wetting my pants or having my diaper change , except when I messed in them . I really didn 't like that feeling of a messy diaper . My mom asked me if Jason discovered that I was wearing diapers . I told her that it was obvious that I was wearing diapers and that Jason had noticed my plastic pants sticking out from my shorts , but I also told her that Jason figured it out at church , when he heard the crinkling inside my pants . I also told her that he saw the package of the Junior Peaudouce disposable diapers in the shopping car the other day and that he had put two and two together . Once she cleaned me up , she placed a clean cloth diaper underneath my butt and sprinkled some baby powder on my nice dry diapers and me . She then pinned the diapers up in place and pair of super soft plastic pants was pulled up in place . After I was diapered for the night , she then un - wrapped my leg and cleaned that up as well . As she was doing this , she asked me how Jason handled the fact that I was wearing diapers again . I told her that he didn 't care in the least bit , but I also didn 't tell her that Jason was a bedwetter and wore night diapers and even wore them during the daytime . I figured that I would have too , sometime , but not now . Once my leg was cleaned and re - wrapped , she kissed me goodnight and turned out the lights and shut my bedroom door . I was lying there wearing nothing but thick cloth diapers and plastic pants . I couldn 't help but wonder what the next few days or weeks would bring . Here I am fifteen and wearing diapers . I have a best friend ( Josh ) who knows about my diapers and couldn 't care less that I wear diapers and a new friend ( Jason ) who I just discovered was wearing diapers just like me . It couldn 't get any better that this , or could it ? As I lay there in bed I couldn 't help but thinking about the discovery of Jason 's diapers . I mean just think , Jason was 15 like me and wore diapers to bed because of a bedwetting problem and even had to wear them during the daytime because of occasional accidents . I slowly drifted off to sleep that night thinking about Jason and that we both wore diapers . I woke up early Monday morning and pulled a pair of pajamas over my bulky leg wrappings and night diapers and went into the living room to watch some TV . As I watched TV , I knew that my diapers were extremely wet and needed a change but I didn 't want to wake up my parents to change me . Even though I was fifteen , well past the age that I should be changing my own diapers but I felt little embarrassment when someone changed my diapers . I guess having someone change your wet diaper into a clean dry comfy diaper made you feel all warm inside . My father woke up about an hour later and told me to go in to my room so my diapers could be changed before he left for work . I lied down on my bed , which my father pulled off my pajamas then proceeded to pull off my plastic pants away from my very wet diapers . As he un - pinned the diapers he said to me that he was glad that I accepted that I needed to wear diapers . He placed another thick diaper underneath me and bunched them up together and pinned them on each side . " Dad , how long do you think I 'll have to wear diapers ? " I asked him as he was pinning on my cloth diapers . " Well , it 's tough to say at this point , but until your bladder heals and you stop wetting yourself , you 're going to need diapers " my Dad answered . My father placed a pair of snap - on plastic pants underneath me and proceeded to snap them up over my diapers . These particular snap - on plastic pants had a design on them , sorta abit on the juvenile side as far as the appearance goes . My father looked at me and told me that he thought I could use a change in my plastic pants and anyway he thought I looked pretty cute in them . As he finished diapering me , I told him that I found out that I 'm not the only teenager that needs diapers . " Oh really ? " my Dad asked . " Yah , you know Jason who came over yesterday , well I found out that he wets the bed and has to wear diapers at night and even during the daytime sometimes too . He asked me why I was wearing diapers , in which I explained to him about accidenAfter breakfast and about 10am , Josh stopped over to see me . He wanted to know what our plans were for today and summer vacation . I told him that why don 't we go into my room and play a game of Nintendo and talk about our plans for the summer . I was still in my pajamas and it was obvious that I had on thick diapers underneath . As we played Nintendo awhile , Josh noticed my plastic pants sticking out from my pajamas and asked me if I needed a change since it was obvious that I was still in my night diapers . " No , I replied , my dad changed me earlier this morning into some dry cloth diapers and plastic pants . " " Why cloth diapers and not a disposable one ? " Josh asked . I guess they are just trying to save on the expense of the disposables , when I 'm at home , I 'll probably have to wear cloth diapers and plastic pants " I replied . " Oh , that 's cool , but aren 't they abit uncomfortable especially with those plastic pants ? " Josh added . " No , not really . At first it felt pretty weird wearing thick cloth diapers and plastic pants , but I 'm pretty used to them now . They are really more absorbent than a disposable . " I replied . Just then my mom peeked inside my room and told me that she had errands to run and that she might not be back until early afternoon , if that was alright with me . I told her that I 'd be OK and that Josh and I were going to do something today . " Well , goodbye Tim and have a good day " my mom told me . After she had left , Josh asked me what I wanted to do today . I told him that I kinda wanted to go to the mall and get some new clothes for the summer . My parents gave me money to go clothes shopping sometime and I figured that this would be a great opportunity to do it without my parents . " Great , we can take the red line bus to the mall and have some fun " Josh replied . " Well I better get changed and dressed if we want to make the 11 : 30 Red Line " I came back with . " You 're not planning on wearing cloth diapers and plastic pants underneath your pants are you ? Won 't they bI went over to my closet and opened the door . Josh peered inside my closet and was astounded what he saw . He couldn 't believe his eyes ; there in the closet it was full of diapers . Cloth ones , disposables of every type in two different colors and a variety of plastic pants , not to mention other items such as baby powder , diaper rash lotion and diaper pins . " So it looks like your parents went all out with your supplies . The way it looks , your parents think that you 'll in diapers for an indefinite period of time " Josh remarked . " Gosh I hope not , I don 't want to return to school this fall still wearing diapers " I added . " What happens if you have to wear diapers to school this fall " Josh asked me . " I 'm not sure but hopefully my bladder will be healed by then " I replied . " Let 's hope so , " Josh Added . I handed Josh one of the " Peaudouceä " disposable diapers then started to take off my pajamas when Josh told me to lie down and he 'd change me . I felt a little uneasy with my best friend seeing me just in my diapers , let alone changing them . I knew that I secretly wanted him to change my diapers , but couldn 't ask him but as long as he volunteered for the job , who was I to argue . I lied down , which Josh pulled my pajamas away from the diapers and plastic pants . " Cute plastic pants " Josh said to me . He carefully unsnapped my plastic pants from my cloth diaper and he said to me " Looks like someone wet themselves again , you 're really soaked . I guess you really need diapers , huh Tim ? " Josh stated . All I could say at this point was " Huh , huh " I was trying to keep a cool head on my shoulders , as I was feeling a little excited over that Josh was changing my diapers . I didn 't want to get a hard - on and have Josh see that . I thought of other things to keep from getting a hard - on . While Josh un - pinned my wet diapers , he asked me if my parents always changed my diapers , or if I sometimes did it . I replied that since the accident , I 've never changed myself . One of my parents always We got to the mall around 11 : 30am which both of us decided to visit the arcade . We played for only about ½ hr . and then decided to go shopping . Our first stop was Abercrombie & Fitch . I always liked the graphics of the stores photo boards . All these guys were buff and very well toned . As I looked that the photo boards I imagined that a disposable diaper would be sticking out from underneath one of the cute boys A & F boxer shorts . I didn 't let on to Josh about my feelings , even I wasn 't sure about them . I realized that the style was to have your boxer shorts visible above your waistline , but there would be no way that I could do this , even with wearing boxer shorts over my diapers . I didn 't want my diapers visible to anyone else , or at least not yet . I was just getting comfortable in having Josh and Jason seeing me just in my diapers . I tried on some cargo shorts , but Josh said that they were pretty slim and that it had an obvious bulky look about me . I was getting a little upset that very thing I tried on especially when it made my diapers obvious . I saw Josh talking to one of the sales guy , which both of them came over my way . The sales guy suggested that I try on one of the relaxed or easy fit cargo shorts . He said that these are made roomier in the seat and just might help someone with my condition . I asked Josh if he said anything to him and he said " Yes " Josh said it isn 't the first time he heard of this , anyway they are professionals , and it 's their jobs to help the customer . I was trying some on , when the sales guy came into the dressing room to give me another pair that he thought I might like . I was just standing there in my baby - blue disposable diaper ( which by this point were damp ) and my shirt . I felt like crawling underneath a rock , when he said to me " It 's no big deal , I 've seen diapers on big kids before , in fact I have a kid brother that 's about the same age as you are and he still needs night diapers . " I couldn 't believe it that there was someone else my age that wore diWe exited Abercrombie & Fitch and both of looked at each other and said , " Food Court " I got Chinese food and Josh got pizza . We both sat down and eat our meals and talked about Mike at Abercrombie & Fitch . Josh asked me " So who do you think his brother is . Since his brother is our age , do you think we know him ! I don 't think I know of anyone else that wear diapers other than you . " " I 'm not sure myself " I added . It didn 't even cross my mind that Jason wore them and didn 't know if Jason had an older brother . After finishing our meals , we got up which Josh said that he needed to use the restroom . I waited outside the restroom for Josh 's return and we both walked the mall and shopped some more . About an hour or so , I quietly told Josh that I was in need of a change . He asked me how was I planning on having my diapers changed . It would odd to see two teenage boys going into the same bathroom stall . I told him that Mike at Abercrombie & Fitch said that I could come back there to change if I wanted to . Josh agreed that it was probably best if we went back to A & F . Once back inside A & F , I approached Mike and asked him if I could change . He said that it would be no problem . Mike told one of his co - workers that he was going to help a customer and that it might be a bit before he returned . He quietly told Josh to wait outside the dressing rooms , since it might be odd looking if he came with us . Mike showed me to a private dressing room , which even had a complete door on it , instead of one of those half doors like you normally might see . He opened up the door with his key and told me to go inside . I guess I was showing a bit of uneasiness , when Mike asked me if I needed help . I sheepishly said yes . " Well , like it wouldn 't be the first time I 've changed a diaper on a fifteen year old . He told me to lie down so he could help me with my diaper . I lied down and he proceeded to unbuckle my jeans exposing the square - cut briefs I now had on over my diaper . Mike said to me … " See , I can 't even see your diaper underneath your briefs . They do a good job concealing your diaper . He pulled my jeans down then pulled the briefs away from my wet diaper . He pulled out a clean dry diaper out from my backpack . He un - taped my wet diaper and rolled it up . He slid the clean dry diaper up underneath me and expertly taped them up on each side . As he was changing my diapers , he commented that the diaper I was wearing was just like his kid brother wore . After my diaper was changed , I pulled up the square - cut briefs back over my diaper and then pulled my jeans back on and thanked Mike for changing me . Josh and I left the store , which Josh asked me if I had changed myself or if Mike had to help . I responded that Mike changed me . " Weren 't you abit embarrassed in having some complete stranger change your diapers . I mean you 're 15 years old , I think you can change your own diapers when your parents aren 't around can 't you " . Josh asked . " Yah , I know I should be changing myself , but it is a little hard changing them , especially with my arm in a cast . It 's just easier and quicker for We decided that we had enough shopping for one day so we took the Red Line home before 4 : 30 in the afternoon . Josh 's bus stop was before mine , so he got off first . Once home , I was loaded down with packages from the Mall , my mother asked me what I had purchased . I showed her the cargo shorts and the square - cut briefs from Abercrombie & Fitch , Jeans and other clothes from Old Navy , the Gap , etc . She asked me if I considered the type of pants when wearing diapers and then asked me why I purchased 3 pairs of cotton briefs when I know that I wouldn 't be able to wear them , since I had to wear diapers . I explained to her that these briefs would be worn over my diaper to conceal them and to cut down on the crinkling of my diaper . I also told her that tried on very pair of shorts and jeans and took in consideration of my diapers . My mom also asked if I needed a change , which I replied that I did . As she changed my diaper , she commented that she was surprised that the briefs did conceal my diaper . She also told me that maybe it was the right thing to buy those briefs to help conceal your diapers , as I might be in them for a while . She said they 'll probably help when you return to school this fall . She didn 't come right out and say to me that I would be wearing diapers to school this fall , but she implied it . After she quickly changed my diaper she went back into the kitchen to finish dinner . The phone rang and my mom said it was for me . I answered the phone , it Jason was on the other side . He asked me if I wanted to come over for supper . I told him to hang on and I 'd ask my parents . My mom told me that it would be ok , but I needed to be back by 8 : 30pm . I returned to the phone and told Jason that it was OK with my parents and I would be over within a ½ hour . Before I left the house for Jason 's , my mom asked me if I needed a change or add some extra absorbency . I told her that it probably would be in my best interest if I added a diaper liner inside my disposable diaper . She quickly changed my dry diaper for onOnce I was at Jason 's , he greeted me at the door . This was the first time I was at Jason 's , since we just got to know each other since Church and at my house last Sunday . If it wasn 't for the diaper thing , I don 't think that I would be having dinner right now at Jason 's . He introduced me to his parents . They both seemed very pleasant . His mother told the both of us that dinner would be ready in about ½ hour . Jason asked me if I wanted to see his room and play a quick Nintendo game . I said sure as we went to his room . In his room he had a huge computer desk with his own personal computer , printer and scanner . He also had a complete Nintendo 64 game pack . I was impressed with all the gadgets he had . The controllers were lying on the floor next to his computer chair . As he bent forward to pick up the controls , I noticed a disposable diaper ( that resembled Pampers or at least that 's what they looked liked ) sticking out from his pants . I asked him why he was wearing a diaper at his house , since he had daytime control for the most part . He told me that he had an accident this morning and when I have an accident I have to wear diapers for the rest of the day . I replied " Well at least I 'm not the only one in a diaper " . After I had made that comment Jason tucked in his shirt into his jeans and we both sat down and played a video game . I asked Jason if I embarrassed him by noticing that he was diapered . " No not really , I guess I was a little surprised that you noticed that I was wearing one . " Jason replied . " Well , it 's a little hard not to notice when you see the plastic sticking out from your pants and the noticeable crinkling sound when you move about . Anyway I think you look pretty cute in a diaper , " I added . I couldn 't believe that I actually said that . I know that I was thinking it , but to say it out loud was another thing . " Thanks , you too ! " Then I asked Jason what type of disposable diaper he was wearing . I knew that they weren 't Attends or the Peadouce or even Depends , but they After we played our game , his mother called us for dinner . I trailed Jason as we walked into the dining room . I was shocked to see Mike sitting at one of the chairs . Jason introduced me to his big brother . Mike sat up and shook my hand and winked at me , as in saying " So look it 's diaper boy . " Mike didn 't say a word about what had happened at his store earlier in the day . Well at least I know who his brother is and why he is so good at changing diapers , I bet he 's changed Jason numerous of times . While we were eating at the dinner table , I felt a little uneasy with Mike looking at me at times . I could just think what he was thinking , two teenage boys , still in diapers . What a bunch of babies ! After dinner Jason and I excused our selves from the dinner table , Jason whispered something in Mike 's ear . Mike left the room and entered Jason 's room and came out holding one of Jason 's Pampers in one hand and started to walk toward another bedroom . Jason told me that I could go into his room while he took care of something . Of course I knew that Jason needed a diaper change , but I guess Jason didn 't want to admit that he had wet his daytime diaper . While I was playing in Jason 's room Jason and Mike exited the bedroom and Mike was holding a rolled up diaper in his hand as he started to go toward the kitchen , Mike asked me if he could speak to me . I got up and left Jason 's bedroom . Mike quietly asked me if I also needed my diaper changed . I told him that I was ok , that I was wearing a double diaper and could go without a change for the evening . Mike told me that Jason has plenty of diapers , so if you need a change , I can change you into one of Jason 's Pampers . I really wanted to wear one of those " Pampers Kidsâ " , so I sheepishly said to Mike , " Yah , I 'm wet , I guess I could use a change . " " I sorta thought so " Mike replied . Go ahead and go into that bedroom , I 'll be with you in a minute " . I entered the bedroom , where just moments ago , Jason had his diaper changed . Mike enters the roomOnce I got home , my father told me to get ready for bedtime . Once again I lied down on my bed and my father took off pants exposing my shamefully wet Pamper . As he took off my leg bandages and cleaned up my leg wounds , he commented on the diaper that I was wearing . I told him that I needed a change , so Jason 's older brother changed me into one of Jason 's diapers . He also asked me what they were called . I replied that they were " Pampers KidsÔ " disposable diapers . " You know son , that these diapers you have on , fit you quite well and they seem to hold up with your wetness . Although I noticed that these diapers have a design on the front of them , just a baby diaper would have on them . How do you feel about having a design on them , Tim ? " As he was saying this , he place a thick overnight cloth diaper on me and pinned them in place and placed a pair of snap - on plastic pants underneath my diapers and snapped them up over my diapers . " Well , it 's not exactly like the design or print on the front of these diapers are really babyish , they are kinda geared up for older children and teenagers like myself . Instead of duckies and storybook characters , these prints are of sailboats , anchors and such . I think that they are pretty cool . Anyway I have plastic pants with prints on them and you don 't say anything about them . " I told my father . " I guess your right about the prints , maybe the next time we need to get you some more diapers , we 'll pick up a package of these " Pampers KidsÔ " disposable diapers for you " my dad replied . " Cool , I would like that , that way Jason and I would be wearing the same type of diaper . " I replied back . After my father finished diapering me , he walked toward the door and said " Good night Son , see you in the morning . We have your doctors appointment in the morning , so get a good nights sleep . " He turned off the light as he left and I snuggled up in bed and drifted off to sleep wearing nothing but my comfy thick cloth diapers and plastic pants . The next morning I woke up and my father came in and took off my leg bandages , un - snapped my plastic pants , un - pinned my wet cloth diaper and told me to take a shower before breakfast . Just before I jumped in the shower my father wrapped my arm cast in a stretch , shrink - wrap type plastic film to prevent my cast from getting wet . I was thinking to my self about how I wear plastic over my diaper so everything stays nice and dry on the outside , then I wear plastic on my arm cast to keep the lining nice and dry on the inside . Ironic isn 't it . After my shower I dried myself off and went into my room and tried to tape a Peaudouceä disposable diaper myself . My father walked in and told asked me what I was doing . I told him that I want to start changing my own diapers , but I was having a difficult time . " Well , young man , I wonder why . With your arm still in a cast , I bit it is pretty difficult trying to change your own diaper . I know that wearing diapers is pretty hard on a young man like yourself , especially if you need someone to change them for you . But tell you what , until you have the cast removed from your arm , your mother or I will change your diaper . You don 't have to feel embarrassed about us changing your diapers . We 've done it many times since you got out of the hospital . After your cast is removed and you feel ok enough to change your own diaper , then we 'll let you change your own diaper . But anytime after that if you feel that you want us to change you , don 't be afraid to ask , we 're here for you . " my father told me . My father taped up my thick disposable diaper in place and then proceeded to change my leg wrappings . After all this was done , I put on some jeans and a T - shirt and headed to the kitchen for breakfast before my doctor 's appointment . We arrived at the hospital around 10am ; we headed to the 10th floor where my doctor 's appointment was scheduled . Once in his office , the nurse checked my vital signs and said the doctor will be in shortly . I was a little uneasy , since I wet my diaper just abit . I don 't think my parents were aware that I was wet , but I 'm sure that the doctor will find out . The doctor came into the room and asked me how I was feeling . I told him that for the most part I was feeling good . My legs didn 't really bother me anymore , but my arm really itches . " Well , once your arm cast is off , that will stop " the doctor told me . " What about your other problem . How are you doing with it ? " he asked . " What other problem " I asked , not thinking about my incontinence . " I 'm talking about your wetting , I noticed that you are wearing diapers " he asked me . I told him that I was a little frustrated that this condition was going on longer than what I was expecting , but I was getting use to wearing diapers all the time . My parents also told the doctor that at first he didn 't want to wear them , but we both finally agreed that wearing diapers would be the best solution for me , instead of wetting myself uncontrollably . The doctor agreed with my parents that this was probably the best solution for me at this time . He also asked my parents to have a seat in the waiting room as he examined me . My parents left the room and the doctor told me to go ahead and get undressed . I felt a little uneasy having him see me just in my diaper , but he already knew about them so it really wasn 't all that big of a deal . I took off my shirt and then my jeans and hopped back up on the examining table . The doctor then proceeded to take off my leg bandages and examined my leg . He told me that my leg was healing to the point where if you want to leave the bandages off you can . But he did suggest that if I was going out to play , where there might be the chance of my leg getting dirty , then you might want to re - bandage your leg . He told me that he was going to bandaged up my leg , since it was hospital rules . He went into the supply cabinet and brought out some supplies and cleaned up my leg and wrapped my leg in fresh bandages . Once this was done he said to me that it looked like I was really wet and I could stand to use a diaper change . He went back into the supply cabinet and brought back one of those Attendsä disposable diapers . As he carefully un - taped my wet diaper , he said to me … " I never seen the diapers like this before , especially on an older boy like yourself " commenting on the light blue plastic and the rather cute designs on the front of the diaper . I told him that they were the " New " Peaudouce disposable diapers for older children and teenagers . " They kinda look like regular baby diapers to me , " He added . " There not that bad , I actually like them . They protect me pretty good , anyway no one is going to see my diaper " I replied back . While we were talking the doctor wiped my groin area with a baby wipe . He then proceeded to place the fresh clean dry diaper underneath me and taped them snuggly up in place . As he was placing the diaper on me , he said to me that my mom said to him that we tried using Goodnitesä but they leaked so the best protection for me was a regular type diaper . He also told me that I shouldn 't worry about wearing diapers , after all that I wasn 't the only young man that neAfter my examination , my parents were asked to come back into the room where the doctor told them about my leg and arm healing quite nicely . After that I exited the examining room with my parents just behind me . The doctor stopped my parents just outside the room and told me to go head to the nurse 's station and pick up some more prescriptions for bandages and the such . As I was walking toward the nurse 's station , the doctor told my parents that it might be sometime before he gains his bladder control . It appears that the damage to the bladder was worse than he expected and maybe after the leg healed completely and my arm was out of the cast , I should be able to have an operation to try to correct the bladder damage . He also told them that it was very likely that I would have to wear diapers for the rest of my life . My parents were shocked at hearing this , but told the doctor that they would do what ever it took to make me well again , even if it meant buying diapers for me for a lifetime . My parents joined me at the nurse 's station , but never said a word to me about what the doctor had explained to them . After we got home I called Josh and asked him what he was up to today . He said that he was babysitting his cousin but that I could come over , since he couldn 't leave his house . I asked my parents and they told that it would be ok for the afternoon . Before I left for Josh 's house my father came into my room and asked if I needed a change before leaving . I told him that it wouldn 't be such a bad idea if I had a fresh dry diaper on . My father went into my supply closet and took out one of those Pampers Kidsä disposable diapers and un - taped my wet diaper . " I guess you really needed a diaper change . You 're pretty wet already " my father told me . " Yea , I guess I wet myself after the doctor 's office , but really didn 't want to say anything , since I just had my diaper changed at the doctors office . " I replied . " There 's no reason why you should have to sit in a wet diaper . If you need a diaper change , then just ask us . I 'm sure that you 'd rather be in nice comfy dry diaper over one 's that 's wet , isn 't that right Tim ? " my father asked me . Yeah , I guess your right , a dry diaper is much better than a wet one any day . " I replied . I asked my dad when he had purchased the Pampers and he told me that he purchased them earlier this morning . Once one of the Pampers Kidsä was slid underneath me and taped up in place I pulled up my jeans and walked over to Josh 's house . I decided not to wear the A & F square - cut briefs over my newly purchased Pampers , as I wanted to get the feel of wearing Pampers underneath my jeans . As I walked to Josh 's house I couldn 't help but notice the crinkling sound my diaper made with every step of the way . Just think , I was 15 and wearing disposable diapers . Not just any type of disposable diaper , actually regular disposable style baby diapers , but bigger to fit kids like me , Pamper Kidsä . I was in heaven . I arrived at Josh 's house within about 10 minutes and rang the doorbell . Josh answered the door and invited me in . he told me that he was playing Nintendo with his cousin in his room . Josh 's Nintendo couldn 't compare to Jason 's set up , but I couldn 't complain , at least Josh had one . I wasn 't sure what type of handicap Josh 's cousin had , but I was introduced to him . His name was Matt , he was 8 years old and sat in a wheelchair . Josh told me that Matt had cerebral palsy and had a difficult time walking . I knew that one of Josh 's cousin wore diapers but wasn 't sure if Matt wore them . Matt 's pants were on the bulky side to make me suspicious enough . Since Josh and Matt were already into a game , I sat next to them watching them . Every time when Matt scored some major points he would throw up his arms like a goal post in victory . As he did this , my suspicions were confirmed . I saw plastic pants sticking out from his pants . Matt wasn 't aware that I had seen his plastic pants or was he aware that I knew that he wore diapers or even better yet , that I too wore diapers . After this game had ended , Josh quietly asked Matt if he needed a change . Matt quietly said , " No , I don 't want Tim to find out " . I wasn 't suppose to hear this but I did . Matt told Josh that he was going into the kitchen for a drink . He rolled his wheelchair out Josh 's room . Josh explained to me that Matt was very embarrassed about having to wear diapers and that he didn 't want me to find out . I told Josh that maybe if he saw you changing my diapers then maybe he 'd be more comfortable with his own diapers . Josh agreed and told me to lie down on the floor and got up and retrieved one of the Pampers KidsÔ from my backpack that I now carried with me pretty much all the time . Josh had just finished taking off my pants and started to un - tape my disposable diaper when Matt returned to the room . Matt 's eyes widened when he saw me with my diaper exposed and the clean dry diaper lying next to me . " You wear diapers too Tim ? " Matt exclaimed . " Yah , I was in an auto accident and left me incontinent and now I need to wear diapers all the time . If it wasn 't for my arm in a cast , I could change my own diapers , but Josh has done it before and said he 'd do it again today . " I replied . All the while I was having my diaper changed , Matt looked in surprise that I wore diapers , after all I was fifteen . Generally fifteen year olds don 't wear diapers , but Matt now knew different that even teenagers could still wear diapers . After Josh finished taping up the fresh dry diaper on me , I pulled up my jeans over my shameful disposable diaper . Josh once again asked Matt if he needed a change and reluctantly , Matt said , " Yes " . Josh went over to Matt 's wheelchair and pulled the back straight down so Matt was lying down and then the arms of the wheelchair folded down . I hadn 't realized that wheelchairs could become like a bed , but a little shorter of course . I was surprised to see that Matt was wearing jeans with snaps down the legs . You really couldn 't tell that the jeans were that type . I guess it made senAfter the both of us had our diapers changed , Josh , Matt and myself played a game of Nintendo together . While we were playing the game I mentioned to Josh that this coming weekend , my parents and I were planning on a weekend trip to the beach house . I told him that I invited Jason along but I also wanted Josh to come too . Josh knew Jason , but I didn 't think that Josh knew anything about Jason 's bedwetting and his need for night diapers or even that Jason wore them during the daytime . Josh had asked me why was Jason planning on coming along and I explained to Josh that both our parents were good friends and they planned on being out of town that weekend and didn 't think it was a good idea that Jason stay by himself . My parents offered the invitation to Jason and he accepted . The three of us were friends but not as close as Josh and I were ; of course that was changing due to the fact that Jason and I wore the same type of underwear at night and sometimes during the daytime . Josh accepted that I needed to wear diapers and even changed twice , but I was unsure how Josh would react once he found out that Jason wore them too . Having your best friend still in diapers is one thing , but to have another friend wear diapers for bedwetting and wearing them during the daytime because he still has accidents could be another . I wasn 't planning on telling Josh about Jason 's predicament . He would have to find this out on his own . Josh and I talked so more and Josh thought it would be fun to play in the sun and water this weekend so he accepted my invitation too . Josh asked me if Jason knew about my condition in which I replied that Jason knew that I wore diapers and didn 't have a problem with it . After about a few hours playing at Josh 's house I decided to go home . Matt told me that he was glad to meet someone else that wore diapers , especially someone that is older than he was . I told him that he shouldn 't be ashamed that he needed to wear diapers . I also told him that when I learned that I was going to have to wear diapers again , I was embarrassed what others would think , but now I would rather wear a diaper for protection than go around wetting my pants in public . Diapers are far more comfortable than wet pants or a wet cold bed . I continued in saying to Matt that I have now gotten use to wearing diapers and I 'm pretty much comfortable that I wear diapers and you shouldn 't be embarrassed about wearing diapers . After Matt and I finished our conversation , I told Josh that I would talk to him tomorrow and let him know what time we were going away for the weekend and what time he could be expected to be picked up . As I walked home , I felt myself wetting my diaper . My diaper must have been already wet as my diaper leaked through my pants causing a small wet spot to appear . I hurried home as quickly as I could , in fear that someone would notice that I had wet my pants . As I entered the house and walked into the living room where my father was , greeted me and looked at me and said " Looks like somebody wet themselves to the point where it soak through to your pants . Go on up to your bedroom and we 'll get you changed . " All I said to my dad was " Thanks " . I was glad that my dad wasn 't upset that I had over saturated my diaper and leaked . As pulled off my jeans and lied down on my bed , my dad walked into my room and retrieved another one of the Pampers KidsÔ and changed my very wet diaper . As he was diapering me , he did admit that he figured that once in awhile they 'd expect for my diaper to leak . But he told me that if I leaked and wet my outer clothes , I might have to start wearing a thicker daytime diaper to contain an afternoon 's worth of wettings . I really didn 't want to wear an obvI decided to go outside and sit on the back deck of our home . I enjoyed quiet evenings like this and with all the quiet around the house , every time I moved about , you could hear the crinkling sound of my disposable diaper . Just as I was getting comfortable , Jason appeared on the deck . I was surprised to see him , but this wasn 't the first time he showed up unannounced . " How 's it going Tim ? " Jason asked . " Oh , I 'm alright , I guess " I answered back . Jason noticing my vague answer asked me what was wrong . I told Jason that I had asked Josh to come for the weekend getaway , and Josh has asked me why you were coming . I told him that your parents were going to be out of town and they didn 't want you to say home alone , so my parents asked your parents . I 'm not sure on how Josh will handle you telling him that you also wear diapers . Jason just replied that maybe he shouldn 't tell him and that maybe Josh should find out on his own . I won 't tell him that I need diapers for my bedwetting or that on those occasions I wear them during the daytime . If he notices them sticking out of my pants or hears them crinkle underneath my pajamas and asks me why , I 'll tell him then . We both agreed that this would the best way to handle this rather bulky and sticky situation . As we were talking I could tell that Jason could hear the crinkling of my own disposable diaper underneath my sweat pants . He didn 't say anything , but he smiled every time I moved about . We talked for about an hour in which Jason decided to go back to his house . All the time while Jason was over , I couldn 't detect if Jason was wearing a daytime diaper or not . His pants didn 't seem too bulky , but with jeans , sometimes it 's hard to tell . Maybe he decided to wear his regular underwear tonight . Oh well , at least I knew that he needed them at night and during this coming weekend , I 'll have someone else that wears diapers to bed . 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I want to make sure that I clarify this in my statement and make as clear as possible the urgency of this situation after what I discovered recently with photos posted of children overseas linked to his Facebook account . I found photos of infants and children . The girls were about 6 - 10 years old and had a lot of makeup on . This story and situation affects a lot of industries and institutions . In my part of this story , we moved a lot and it 's over a long period of time . I tried to edit this as clearly as I can and cut down as much as possible . A year and a half later , he told me to file a police report in 2016 after I commented on Allison Hope Wiener 's show " Crime Time " did a report on Elijah Wood , child actors & pedophiles . She replied and was adamant that I go to the police ASAP and file a report . I did not want to file one and he spoke to me on the phone and told me I needed to go in in June 2016 . He told me my child rape story was boring in June of 2016 when I called him to read him my statement . I called him to read this to him because I thought he was a friend and advocate ; and he interrupted me and told me to leave parts out . I was trying to read him my sex abuse statement to him out loud for the first time ever , to anyone , before I went to the police in 2016 to file a police report . After I found out about the Paterno report he did , I got really angry & we had a falling out . I feel that Paterno knew and covered for Sandusky and I did not know that he endorsed Paterno and his behavior with his report when I came to him . I never would have come to Jim Clemente if I had known about the report he did for Sandusky / Paterno case but I thought he was a victims advocate and my faith in him has been completely shattered . He only brought me in to audition at Universal Studios after I had let him take photos of me at his home in the hills and his wife ( Alexandra Denman ) was home that day and I met her . She did not look me in the eye . She was in the kitchen . He asked me on the phone , when I was in the 7th grade , in Westport CT , with witnesses in the room , to meet with him in Manhattan and offered to take me shopping and buy me gifts and asked me if I would like to sleep with him overnight in his hotel in Manhattan after we went shopping . His intent was clear and he was treating me like I was his girlfriend . I was in the 7th grade and he was in his forties . We were in Sherman Oaks , California and there were five people at the house in the Hollywood Hills . Two of the adults were lawyers from Washington D . C and one is still considered an advocate for exploited children and is on the board of a state sponsored Children 's Law Center . But she was there helping her speechwriter / actor husband take photos of me when I was twelve so he could add it to his collection . I still see him on CNN and Fox News , as an economics professional and commentator , and sometimes late at night , a commercial will flash by of him hawking eye care products . " Funny and heart breaking . The Travelling Roadshow Of The Countess Maritsa is a strangely relatable story for those of us who grew up in weird families . I loved it . " - Kirsten Vangsness ( " Garcia " on Criminal Minds ) Actress . " Morgain has traveled the world , lived the craziest life and made it out alive and sane … Not many can say the same . It was truly my pleasure to welcome you into my home in Paris . We were young and we had fun , except for the theft : ) . I always wondered what happened to you and your Mother . I am so happy to know that you grew into such a great woman and a brilliant writer . Thanks for the memories . " - Liskula Cohen At first , it was an ideal family life , having four little girls and living on our ranch in trendy Agoura . Mom 's sisters lived nearby in Los Angeles and provided some stability and guidance . We visited our father 's movie sets and went to studio parties with the glitterati , but the sepia toned memories and happiness were soon fleeting . Mom 's regular form of income was fraud , of all kinds , but she really came alive when she got on the phone - wheeling and dealing , putting deals together with rich people . Some of them were spectacular . She was gifted at real estate and quit claims - because she had the knack of knowing what land was about to be valuable , get the rights to buy it somehow and sell it to whoever really wanted it at a much higher price . She did this with no actual money of her own and it was dazzling . When it was working in her favor , her mind was her greatest asset . She 'd find them at the DMV or pick up people spare - changing for food outside of the local grocery store . We were a family like Robin Hood , doing the right thing and helping these strange drifters that Mom had found . She told us that it was the kind thing to do , people should help each other . But as I got older , I realized they were her henchmen . They would live in our guesthouse , attic or basement and fixed things around the property . As time went by , Mom 's choice of house guests would get scruffier and lower on the moral ladder . Drug addicts , dealers , low - lifes , crackers , swamp trash , anti - socials , squatters , whores , trailer trash , junkies , whatever she could find - the dumber , the better . The more affluent ones had their van or trailer they 'd been living in towed to our newest property . She 'd order one of them to roll a dying car with a shot transmission off of a cliff or flood the basement of whatever house we were renting . We would gather up all of our clothes we were sick of , broken electronics ( and anything else we didn 't want or feel like packing ) and throw it into the dark , smelly lake that used to be our playroom . She told us that the basement had flooded overnight and while it was an unfortunate accident , we could get new stuff this way . My sisters and I would wave goodbye from the back of the station wagon with our cats and dogs to the bad town that wasn 't right for us . We knew other people led normal lives but Mom told us the new town was going to be better . This town was bad luck . After our eighth or ninth school , my sisters and I began to create cover stories to tell our newfound friends . Growing up in chaos created a defiant kind of camaraderie for us . The secrets of our sisterhood banded us together to kept us sane . We began to realize what our Mom was , but we didn 't have the word for it . I told friends that my mom was freelance writer with a gypsy streak . We knew that soon she 'd find a real job as a writer , eventually . Her winnings on the show changed our nomadic lives . For the first time , we went to a school for two years in a row and even though we still took road trips in our custom van up to Oregon , Washington and Idaho ; we had a home to go back to in Los Angeles . We had food in the refrigerator and the cops didn 't come by to arrest Mom every few months . It was peaceful . Things got bad again once the money ran out . We ended up living in a motel on Sepulveda Boulevard for three months until Mom could think of something . I 've driven by that motel recently and families are still living there . The show was a huge hit in Australia and the producers were willing to fly her and one other person to Melbourne and put her up in a hotel for at least a week or so . She convinced them to pay for Me and Erin to go , since we were both under fifteen . Mom had warrants out and detectives looking for her in New York - so a trip to Australia to escape certain jail time in New York was an opportunity that Mom couldn 't refuse . All the contestants were shuttled to the studio every day , and the producers would randomly pick the contestants who would be on the show for the day . Everyone would come back by five or six for cocktails and hors d ' oeuvres in the lounge . Mom finally had a 9 to 5 job . It was in the lounge where Mom picked off her prey . Mom liked pills more than the drink , so she would wait it out while the other contestants got drunk and mingled . In 1989 , there was no Internet . It was hard to tell if a credit card was stolen and they were run by hand machines and carbon copies . The stores would only phone in a suspiciously large purchase , so it would be weeks before English banks would know anything was up . Mom 's day to finally be a contestant on the show came - and she didn 't do well at all . She was very sick on the day of the taping and only made about $ 1700 . It was time to go back home to the states . After we got back to New York , we crashed at Katie and Meagan 's apartment . My sisters and I couldn 't joke about this anymore , we all started to unravel . We needed a Mom and she was wanted by the police all over New York for various thefts and fraud . Mom checked herself into fancy mental hospital because she said that the cops can 't arrest you if you 're a patient . The four of us were on our own until she could figure something out . She was there for a few weeks when the cops found her and it was a matter of time before they figured out a loophole in the mental patient protection law . Mom checked herself out and announced that we were moving to Hilton Head Island , in South Carolina . Tomorrow . Mom was waiting for them like a grandma spider nanny in a beautiful hotel . After the kids came back from swimming , tennis or golf lessons , Mom would put them to bed and help herself to whatever cash or jewelry she didn 't think the parents would miss . Most of the time , they hadn 't realized they 'd been robbed until they got back to their northern homeland and sobered up . " I was a boutique thief , I never robbed anyone who 'd be left with nothing " , she told me recently . " Morgain , there is no honor among thieves , I 've never seen it . But I never stole from someone who 'd be left with nothing . I stole from the rich . " My sisters were done . They decided to move back to upstate New York and break free from Mom , but I couldn 't . For years , we had been raised on a roller coaster ride of torched houses , cross country road trips , international hotel rooms , run down motels , a gunfight , foreign authorities , Australian game shows , addiction and madness . After Mom posted bail on Hilton Head , my sisters had already left and I was alone with her . Mom presented me with a new plan . We were going to start a new life in England . I knew how sick she was , but I couldn 't leave her . She had already programmed me to protect her . In England , I started going to a posh school in Kensington and started hanging out with my friends . I tried to stay away from home as much as possible . While I was at school , Mom had started doing some very bad things and ended up in Holloway Women 's Prison , in London . The detectives confiscated my passport and I was trapped in London , homeless for the rest of the winter . The tingling was leaving my fingers and my toes were warming up ; I was beginning to thaw out . I had to get up off the radiator ; it was almost dark and there was no place to go and I had run out of options . I couldn 't even visit Mom at the prison until tomorrow . Everything was closed or closing and the snowstorm was too cold to walk in . I had to figure something out fast . There was a phone on the desk was by the art class , and the art teacher had a reputation for being cool . I think she knew what was going on with my situation , but she never gave me the worried look the other teachers gave me . Her class was empty and I think she was puttering back in her art studio but hopefully she wouldn 't hear me call my aunt . If I ever made it out of this , I was going to putter around too . The coast was clear , the classrooms were empty and it was quiet , I could call Aunt Erin and nobody would hear my shame . I picked up the phone to dial . Aunt Erin 's company had an 800 number and I pressed zero to get to an international operator . " Hi , can you please dial an eight hundred number for me ? " The American operator had a twang in her voice and the line was kind of fuzzy and she sounded far away . I thought about the telephone cables under the black and cold ocean that separated England from The United States and how far away my sisters were . I waited and heard the clicks until she put me through and then asked the operator at my family 's office to put me through to their house . I had barely spoken with anyone in my family since I busted my little sister Erin ( named after Aunt Erin ) from foster care here after the cops arrested mom at our house in the country . I took my little sister straight to Heathrow after I sprung her from temporary foster care . We had no family here that could help us . They were all back in the States . I took her to the airport as fast as I could so they couldn 't take her passport and make her stay here too to testify against my mom . Then we 'd both be homeless . Little Erin was living with our eighteen year old sister Katie in New York and had a return ticket back home . My oldest sister Meagan lived near them and was waitressing and putting herself through community college . I should have gone with them . I had made a terrible mistake coming here with mom . I was the only one who came with Mom to England to start a new life again . A fresh start . We were going to do it this time . All of my sisters had stayed behind in the states and moved back to upstate New York after what happened on Hilton Head . Mom had bought Erin a plane ticket for Christmas to come to England and was trying to convince her to move to England and live with us when she got arrested and taken to Holloway . They arrested me too but let me go when my school told them I was in class when the crimes were committed . The day after Christmas , cops came to our house out in the country and raided it . Later on we found out that while I was at school and trying to convince myself that Mom had turned over a new leaf ; she had been robbing manor houses and selling the antiques she had stolen . I knew something was up , but not sure . It always made me nervous and uneasy when I was happy and things were quiet at home because I knew from experience that it wouldn 't last . Mom always ruined it . But this time she had credit cards with her name on them and I thought we were living on money from when her father died five months earlier . I knew it was too good to be true . Nothing happy and stable with mom ever lasted . As soon as we moved to England and I started school , I stayed away from Mom and the house she rented and spent it at school with my new friends . I 'd go to the library or to their houses after school and I 'd stay there as much as I could . I liked to see how normal teenagers my age lived and I hated going home to Mom . She had rented a huge house in the country , an hour and a half out from London and there was no reason to go there ; it was mostly an empty house and I stayed in my room anyway . After everything that had happened in the States , I just didn 't like being around her anymore . I was spending so much time at school and in London ; I didn 't care what she was doing anymore . I was enjoying my freedom from her . I could take the train into the city and go to school and could stay away until almost the last train ran back . We had started to get into fights when I got home because she said I was never home anymore and didn 't want to be around her . I didn 't really have a plan , but I knew I wanted to get away from Mom and live my life . She ruined her own life and she ruined anyone who was near her . It was only a matter of time before she did something terrible , again . I didn 't know how to escape from Mom . She had programmed me to take care of her and protect her , and I was trying to deprogram myself , but I didn 't know how . I didn 't know what was normal anymore . Aunt Erin would give me an answer or some encouragement or some ideas of what to do . I needed a friend and needed to talk to someone who knew Mom 's history and how dangerous she was . Aunt Erin picked up . " Hello ? " She sounded weak and tired . I burst into tears . It was good to hear a family member 's voice . " Aunt Erin ? ? It 's Morgain . . I 'm so sorry . . I need help . . " I was babbling now . I needed someone to talk to who knew how crazy mom was . Aunt Erin had seen my mom arrested a dozen times , she knew how bad it was . She lived with us until I was about four . She knew . " Morgain , I just had a baby a week ago and I 'm a mess . I don 't know if I can help you . " She wasn 't very friendly and seemed angry . I had forgotten that she was a mom now and just had a baby . " Look , I 'm sorry but they took my passport so I can 't leave , I don 't have any money or a place to stay and I need help . It 's so cold outside . I don 't have anywhere to go and I don 't know anyone else to call . " I was rambling again . " I 'm calling you from the school , all of my friend 's parents have tried to help but they 're freaked out and they want to know where my family is . Mom scares the shit out of them and the whole school knows she 's wanted all over in the States . I don 't know what to do . " I was heaving and breathing and trying to regulate my breath . She spoke very quietly . " Morgain , I can 't help you until you tell me where the ring is that you stole . " I was stunned . " What ? " I whispered . " What ? " I repeated . " The ring you stole from Aunt Peggy 's house . I am not sending you a goddamned dime until you tell me where it is and where you sold it . " She was angry now . I started crying and stammering again , " I haven 't seen Aunt Peggy since we stayed at her house , when I was fifteen and we were on the way to Australia when Mom was on the game show . I never stole her wedding ring ! Why would you think I would do something like that ? ! " I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had seen Aunt Peggy in L . A five months earlier at the funeral , just for a day . " Wait a minute … . Wait … I saw her at Grandpa 's funeral five months ago and she never said anything and we used her station wagon and did errands ! She never said anything to me then ! Why didn 't she say anything to me then ? ? I love Aunt Peggy , I 'd never do something like that ! " I would never steal from anyone , especially Aunt Peggy . Her daughter little Peggy was my best friend . Whenever I went to a new school and someone asked me who my best friend was , besides my little sister , I would say " my cousin Peggy ! " because she was and I knew that we would always be family and best friends . Little Peggy had always been my friend when I had none and whenever I was in a new school , I thought of her and how much fun we had at her house and that she would always be my friend so I never felt alone . Mom and I went to their house in the Valley for her father 's wake about five months ago , the previous August when my grandfather died . But Mom and I stayed in a hotel near her and were about to start our new life in England . We were only in L . A for a few days and we only went to the funeral and then we went to Aunt Peggy 's house for the wake . Then we went to England to start a new life . Family gatherings were tense because they all knew how bad it was for us . Aunt Peggy was cautious around us , because Mom was awful to her and had been for most of her life . Aunt Peggy was great with kids and loved kids , but with us , she smiled a grim , tight smile and she seem relieved when she waved from the front door as were driving away , like she had seen a huge tornado and it had just barely missed her house and family . We were a problem too big for anyone to bear . When I was in the 6th grade , we lived in a motel on Sepulveda for a few months and it was 3 miles from her house and we never saw her . For two months we lived in a dark and dirty motel room in a terrible area and my aunt , father and grandfather all lived nearby . Nobody ever came to visit or to save us from Mom . I should 've went with my sisters when they left Hilton Head to go back , but I didn 't want to go . It was freezing and up in the middle of the woods in the Adirondack 's . We had already moved away once from Upstate to get away from the cold and poverty there . Mom had promised me that we were only moving one more time ; to a fresh start and going to use the money her dad left her to start over in England . Deep down I think I knew it was bullshit but I was sixteen and wanted to believe her . I needed a mom and was in denial . I didn 't know where else to go , my dad was abusive and I had seen him hit my mom , I didn 't want to live with him at all . I didn 't want to move in with my Dad because he was a drunk and a mean one and also violent towards women . I had seen my father while we were in L . A for the funeral ; but only briefly . The time I 'd seen him before that , on the way back from Australia , he tried to throw my mom over a balcony at his ranch while trying to strangle her and the police came and broke them up . I should 've moved in with my friend Amy 's parents and stayed on Hilton Head and listened when they offered me a way out . I should 've taken that scholarship to Hilton Head Prep when the school offered me one . I should 've stayed on Hilton Head with people who cared about me and had offered me a way out . " It 's not her wedding ring . It 's another kind of ring . " She spoke again , " Morgain , right before you guys all went to Australia , Uncle Tim was taking a nap and saw you in their room and saw you take something off their dresser and when he woke up you ran out of the room . " Aunt Erin was was pleading with me . " Just tell me where you sold it and I can help you . We need to get it back , please , Morgain , just tell me where it is . " I could her her crying . I was shocked . But then again , I remembered how Mom 's family acted every time we came around . They were always angry and upset and uncomfortable because they knew we were abused and neglected and it made them feel bad . But not bad enough to call child protective services and save us from the madwoman . " Aunt Erin , the only time I ever was in their room was to get some fancy Làncome makeup off her dresser because her daughter told me to go in there and get it for her . She told me not to wake her dad up from a nap . I swear . I wouldn 't do something like that . I 've been working since I was fourteen . I 'm not HER ! ! ! " They thought I was just like her . That 's why they didn 't care I was homeless . I remembered that day perfectly . We were visiting Aunt Peggy 's right before we went to Australia . It was easier for them to dehumanize me . Otherwise they would have to step in and help me . It 's easier for them to tell themselves I 'm worthless . I remembered the day I got the fancy Lancôme makeup out of Aunt Peggy 's room for my cousin . Mom was wanted all over in New York state so when the offer came to her to be a return champion on a game show called " Sale of The Century " in Melbourne ; it was a stroke of weird luck for her . She had been a big winner in Los Angeles , back in 1984 . Little Peggy and I were the same age and getting ready to go out and meet boys and I remember we were doing our makeup and hair and I wished to God more than anything to have a bedroom like my cousin 's and a mom who was a teacher who kept a job and home and the cops never kicked the door in . I loved Aunt Peggy 's bedroom . She had a little screen hole cut out for the cats to come in and out and her whole room smelled like Yardley of London roses and Crabtree and Evelyn . Aunt Peggy 's bedroom was the only place that ever stayed the same . I started sobbing again . Aunt Erin wasn 't going to be the hero . She couldn 't be the hero . There were no more heroes left . Only people that hated my mom and the people who thought I was like her . " I swear to God , I don 't know where it is but I do know you have to be eighteen to pawn anything , I was fifteen then ! ! You can 't pawn anything when you are underage ; they won 't let you ! ! " I was angry now too . I knew this because I tried to pawn something when I was sixteen in South Carolina the year earlier , to bail my mom out of jail there and the Pawnbroker turned me away and got livid and wanted to know what kind of fucked up parent would make their sixteen year old kid pawn something to bail them out of jail . " I 've never stolen anything from Aunt Peggy , I swear . " I was sobbing and babbling again . I looked outside . It was pitch black and the snow was furiously coming down in the glow of the streetlights when I looked outside the windows . Down on the street , it was empty . Nobody was outside . Aunt Erin seemed satisfied that I was telling her the truth . " Calm down , it 's okay . I 'm going to send you money . I have to go , I 'm exhausted . " She said . I could hear a baby crying . " Oh thank you , thank you ! ! " Maybe I could rent a room somewhere until Mom 's court date , I think it was a few weeks away . And then I could figure out how to find a way out of this and get away from Mom . " I 'll send you $ 200 pounds , go to Western Union , it 'll be there . " She said . " Thank you Aunt Erin , thank you . " I whispered in a shaky breath . I put the phone down and suddenly I realized that Aunt Erin had never brought up my mom in the conversation or that Mom was in Holloway Women 's Prison right now for theft . She never mentioned her felon sister who had been in and out of jails for theft for the last twenty five years . My mother bullied both her sisters ; and even when she was in prison , they were still scared of confronting her . Why they found it easier to blame me didn 't matter ; it was pitch black outside and fifteen degrees and the school was closing . I needed to find a place to sleep . The $ 200 pounds she was sending would be gone quickly if I wasn 't smart ; even if I could even find a cheap hotel in London that would rent me a room . Then I realized I couldn 't get a hotel room because I had no ID and wasn 't eighteen yet . The cops had taken my passport because they wanted me to stay in England and testify against my mom . I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket . On it was a phone number my mother had given to me the last time I saw her at the prison . I didn 't want to call it but now it was my only option . It was the phone number of Mom 's cellmate 's daughter . She had given the number to Mom to give it to me in case I was ever desperate and needed a safe place to sleep . She had told mom that her daughter and I were the same age . I picked up the phone again to call the number , the daughter 's name was Amanda . My fingers were shaking again and someone had started to turn off the lights in the classrooms . The school was closing . I dialed the number and then someone picked up . " ' Ello ? " It was a girl with a thick cockney accent . I heard hip hop music in the background . " Hi Amanda , Uhhh … this is Morgain , I 'm so sorry to bother you but I 'm in a really bad place . I 'm calling you from my school right now and they 're closing . Your mom and my mom are cellmates at Holloway and your mom said maybe I could crash with you for a few days until I can find a place to stay ? " I held my breath . Her end was silent . She finally spoke . " Oy , you 're American ? " I laughed a little . " Yes . I am . " My breath was shaky . " What kind of music do you like ? " She asked me . " Anything that doesn 't make me sad . " I told her . " Hahaha … okay , meet me at Holloway tomorrow in the visitors ' waiting room at Noon and we can make a plan . You can stay for a few days and we 'll see how it goes . Do you have a place to sleep tonight ? " She told me her address and it was pretty far from where I was . I thought of my friend that lived near me , near the school . " Ummm , Yes , I think I can find a place at my friend Hannah 's tonight . " I said . " Okay , good , " she said , " See you tomorrow . I 'll be with a man named Mr . Darby , he 's me mum 's lawyer . " She hung up . I started sobbing again . It was a mix of gratitude and relief . I had a place to sleep . She was a girl my age and we had something in common . I had made a friend . I called my other friend Hannah from my rich kid school . She lived nearby and her mom said I could stay one night at her place , but only for one night and I 'd have to leave the next day . She told me her Mom was terrified of my situation and didn 't want any part of this . Tomorrow , I 'd go to the prison and meet Amanda and see my mom and we 'd figure out a plan . For a split second , the terror in my whole being subsided a bit . It was going to be okay . As I trudged out of the doorway from my old school into the freezing night air , I thought about the woman who I had never met who was in a prison cell , sleeping next to my mom in Holloway . She had made sure I had a warm and safe place to stay . She was small for a gargoyle , smaller than her family members who lived in the eaves of Notre Dame across the street . Her family across the street were the rock stars of French gargoyles , the big ones ; you 'd see their pictures splashed across postcards and artwork ; but this little one was an authentic gargoyle that not a lot of people saw . You would have to know where to look and where the real door to the staircase to the prison was , and only real prisoners of Le Conciergerie who had stayed in the her belly knew . The good - looking blonde gendarme who was taking me through the small side door into the ancient prison didn 't see the wink ; but I saw her little bat face and she saw me . She was trying to get my attention and flittered her wings a little , and winked at me again . It happened in a slowed down second ; like the kind they talk about right before you die or think you 're going to die . " Nom . " The little French nun with the sweet face looked at me and handed me a pen slowly ; like an elaborate ritual . Like getting your first communion . The sweet faced nun didn 't speak English . None of them did and I only knew a few words in Latin and French . When I was young , standing around my mother 's knees , I loved listening to her voice and watching people fall under her spell . At the time , I thought everyone loved her as much as I did . She had a smooth throaty voice that was rich yet feminine and it could turn into velvet when she wanted something . It wrapped around you like the warm blanket of an opiate high . On the day she jumped bail after several months at Holloway Women 's Prison , she called me from a pay phone at her bail hostel in Oxford . If she stayed for her court date , she said , she 'd be locked up for more than a year . She told me to start packing , because she 'd be by to pick me up in an hour . It was around mid - afternoon when I heard her pull up to Amanda 's apartment in a black shiny London taxi . I was rushing around , packing up the last of my shit , when I looked out of the open window , down to the wet street and saw her getting out of the cab . I dropped my cigarette with a shaking hand and stared at her . The few short months in prison had changed and hardened her , she 'd lost weight and her face was ashen . For the first time , she 'd been in prison for months , not just the few days that she was used to . I had told her over and over again that the computer age was upon us , but she kept running her old scams and ended up in all the systems . I began to believe her when she told me England was trying to kill us . " We have to go , " Mom said as she walked in Amanda 's East end apartment in Stoke Newington . She looked around at the bare living room and her eyes settled on me , she was edgy and restless . " Now . " she looked at her watch . She didn 't bother to chat with Amanda ; who was by the window , smoking a silk cut . I looked at Amanda and she understood . She and I were the same age and became friends in a strange way . Our mothers were cellmates together at Holloway . Amanda had a thick Cockney accent and was of mixed race . She wore matching Addias hoodie tracksuits and always had her hair up in a ponytail . She was Sporty Spice . She had creamy cafe latte skin , with a spattering of freckles across the bride of her nose and her eyes were hazelnut colored with flecks of copper . She should have been a Bennetton model , but she was stuck in the ghetto and didn 't know how to get out . Amanda had talents and one of them was being a professional when it came to rolling spliffs . She taught me how to roll quick , small ones you could puff on and toss in the bushes if a cop was nearby . Pipes were too much evidence to carry and get busted with . Joints , as we Americans call them . Spliffs in England . The Brits also have a different way of smoking out . When you smoke weed in a circle of friends in the U . S , you take a hit and pass it . In England , one holds on the joint for a few puffs and smokes 3 or 4 hits while everyone chats . If you pulled that shit in California , you would get your ass kicked for Bogarting the joint . Puff , puff pass , bitch . Everyone needs to get high . Now . Oh , and they don 't have weed , grass , chronic or any of the green stuff over there . They smoke hash . And if you smoke too much or try to smoke it like grass , you will puke in a few hours . Reality was something we didn 't like to deal with while our mothers were in prison together , so we got high . And drunk . But high during the day . We knew that if you drank during the day , you were an alcoholic . So we smoked hash . Amanda would pull out a brown sticky square of hash and flick her lighter over the end corner of it . She would carefully sprinkle the crumbly brown hash over tobacco , which had been ripped out of a Silk Cut cigarette . She rolled it up in a Zig Zag paper and light it . She squinted as the cloud of smoke wafted in her face . She took a long drag of a joint and held it in as she spoke , " Morgain , I 'm just a half caste girl living in the ghetto . " She blew it out and her eyes watered . " What kind of job can I get ? I ain 't got nuffink , mate . No fucking education , no fucking money , not even me Mum . " She shook her head ruefully . She looked up at me , like maybe I had the answer . We 'd dissolve into the giggles and insulate ourselves against the harsh world with laughter . The highs from the hash would take us to an innocent place where we could be like children again . She was the only girlfriend I 've ever had that also had a mom in prison and we could tell each other the truth . I felt bad that Amanda didn 't have any sisters to share the misery of having a parent in Prison . At least I had my three sisters when Mom got arrested in the States . I thought about them and knew they were worried about me , but there wasn 't anything they could do . They didn 't have money to send me and were trying to stay alive themselves . And , I was too ashamed to tell them that she 'd tricked me , again . Now , Mom was back . I wasn 't sure why I felt so uneasy around her , but I could tell that she was in the dark places of her mind where not even I could reach her . My mother was gone , replaced by a strange , sinister woman with a wild , leaping look in her eyes . I was packing my stuff in the bathroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror as I looked up from the sink . I was very pale and my eyes had a strange glimmer to them as well . They weren 't my eyes , they were like a street cat 's , skittish and not sure who to trust . Mom 's long stay in prison must have changed me too . As the taxi puttered along to train station , I took a long last look out the window . When we fled from the detectives in the States , Mom told me she was going to turn her life into something good here and get a job as a writer . I had loved this city and all the hope it held for us in the beginning . Then everything had turned dark , like it always did before we had to leave in a hurry . Waterloo station was coming up and I thought of the long trip before us . Getting out of England was going to be hard . Mom was supposed to be back at the bail hostel by now and it was getting dark . They would start looking for her soon . Mom and I got out of the cab and headed towards the train station . She was slow and creaky from age and I turned around to wait for her . The wind whipped her grey hair up in tufts , in a comical way , like a picture of fun times from the rollercoaster rides at an amusement park . She smiled at me and I knew I couldn 't leave her . Another round in prison would kill her . She was supposed to be back at the bail hostel in Oxford by dusk , and it was definitely dark now . We still needed another hour on the train south to the ocean . Then we had to get on the ferry in Portsmouth . Somehow , we had to get on the boat without Mom getting caught through their checkpoint and sent back to Holloway Women 's Prison . When we got to the Waterloo train station , I realized sporting events were finally good for something . The British were invading France for the weekend so see their soccer team . A massive crowd of rose - cheeked men from Liverpool in soccer jerseys were flooding the station , trying to get on the last trains to the ferry . The were jumpy and excited , looking for a fight and a fuck . The Mojave sky was purple , pink with streaks of gold fading into another endless starry night . You could sip scotch and gaze up at for hours before you realized your neck was numb . My father loved to sit out in the dark , alone He would sit in his chair and stare at the sky and the changing colors of his magnificent view and would sit still for hours . I never saw him smoke but he was a heavy smoker for 40 years and sometimes I would see a faint slow swirl of smoke from the Kool cigarettes he used to smoke curl around him , like ghosts from the bar that followed him from Manhattan to his new life and desert home in the Mojave . Ghost cigarettes and old stories followed him and if you waited long enough , you 'd see them at twilight . The desperate harshness of the desert mirrored his face and I never let him catch me spying on him when he was outside drinking in the dark alone , but I knew he understood this land . " You have to respect anything that survives in the desert , Morgain . " He 's say and then a low " Mmmmm . . hummm . . " under his breath and then sip his scotch again . Sometimes he was in a good mood , but sometimes he would unleash his bitterness upon us . My father was an excellent pool player . He did the trick shots in the movie " The Hustler " and was Paul Newman 's stand in when they were filming . Whatever my Dad had tried to do by taking us in after the Feds got Mom hadn 't worked . He was too far gone in his alcoholism and was abusive , horrible and sick . By the time he said he would take us in to live with him , Erin and I were 16 and 17 , sick of living in motels and living on the run with our mother . And very , very angry . We were angry at his half - assed attempts to redeem himself . Thanks for giving us a place to stay while our Mother was in prison again . Thanks for finally stepping in 15 years too late . Where the fuck was he for the last 15 years when we were going to three schools a year ? Why didn 't he step in before it got to this point ? He knew it was his fault . He said we were like her . We were as crazy as our mother and were going to end up losers like her . \ He liked to spout his bullshit while sipping his Johnny Walker red and staring at us through heavy lidded eyes . What about him ? What part did he have in all of this ? How did he sleep at night knowing his children had been living in and out of hotels and on the run all of their lives ? The problem with freedom and leaving an abuser is money . It is always money , or lack of it , that traps women . My sister and I had a plan and we had money , sort of . We had a piece of stolen jewelry that we had hidden . A gold necklace and some other pieces we had found in a stash in Mom 's hotel room in Florida before the cops came and searched the room . We were going to pawn it on the way to New York so we could get an apartment when we got to our older sister 's house . We were going to run away . Erin wanted to go back to the Adirondack 's , to Glens Falls were Katie lived with her husband and baby Matthew . I wanted to stay in California and save money and get our own place , we could move near the beach . I was going to be an actress and didn 't want to go to New York , but Erin and I had made a pact to stay together no matter what . Steve was a Marine and came to rescue us from the isolated ranch prison high above the Mojave . Erin and I had met Steve at a party with some friends we met at Littlerock High School and after attending school in the LAUSD for two weeks and I decided I was over school . After all that I 'd been through in London , I just couldn 't face pretending anymore . I wasn 't going to college and I couldn 't relate to the other kids in school . Steve had just returned from the First Gulf War and was all fucked up from seeing death and destruction over there . He had seen his own war too . And , he was a really good looking man . Tall and tan , with light brown hair and blue eyes . He was just the kind of guy I liked . A man 's man . Built , strong , handsome , tall , considerate . He was quiet and definitely grown . He was like a cop or a fireman . These guys had seen action . He liked me and it was fun to have a guy to hang out with and drink beer and we had gone out a few times . And he had a white Mustang . He came to Dad 's ranch and gave us a ride to the Greyhound Bus station . The bus station in Lancaster with deserted when we arrived and we had packed light . Erin and I had packed hastily , with a small suitcase each and we 'd left most of our stuff behind at our Dad 's . We 'd just get new stuff later , we needed to get out of California before our dad realized we 'd run away . The November desert wind sent chills on our bare arms . The big silver beast of a bus was idling , ready for the next adventure . Erin got out of the Mustang first so I could say goodbye . I looked at the bus station and thought about going back to the ranch . After going to 28 different schools and saying goodbye to friends , I realized not to get too close to anyone . He was a Marine and military guy , he had seen things too . Guys that have been through war were guys I got along with . We understood each other . That was the last I ever saw of him . I called our mutual friends a year later to find him and call him . I learned he 'd driven off a cliff one night and died a few months after I left . Either by accident , PTSD or on purpose , it didn 't matter . He died and I never got to see him again . Erin and I only had $ 20 in cash and it was going to be a long ride to New York . We had to make it last . We needed to pawn that gold necklace but Thanksgiving was two days away and we needed to get out of California , fast . Dad would be home soon . We got on the bus and in two days , we were in the Midwest . We woke up at 6am and looked out of the window , there was snow and frost on the ground but we had forgotten to get out our jackets in our suitcases under the bus . Erin and I huddled together in the back of the Greyhound and looked out the windows at the cars going by and small town life . We were beginning to get hungry . We checked our cash stash and recounted it . We each had exactly one dollar . We went back to sleep and decided we would pawn the necklace in Chicago and get some food . I was seventeen , but someone would buy it from me if a pawn shop wouldn 't . The air hit us first , like an icy blast of warning , as the doors from the terminal opened . When we got outside , it was so cold the wind bit through our souls . It was colder than London in winter . The wind blew through the tall skyscrapers and made an eerie sound . It was like a deranged animal in a trap howling in your ear . The streets were empty . It was Thanksgiving Day . People were at their warm homes with their families . I thought about my Mom 's sisters and her sisters and my cousins and their families . Erin looked at me and the wind was howling . We couldn 't walk a block in this weather , we forgot our fucking jackets and our stuff was under the bus and the driver had taken off for an hour . Erin shouted to me over the rush of air , " It 's fucking freezing ! We have to go back inside ! " We trudged our way through the emptiness of the weird green light of the bus terminal . There were a lot of homeless people were snoozing on benches and some were reading . The Libraries were closed today . It was too cold outside for anyone . Even crazy people . We could see our reflections . Two young starving girls in a bus station in Chicago on Thanksgiving . No coats . No food , no money . Family blown apart . I tried not to think about it . How did we end up here ? There was a small Campbell 's soup can with a peel back lid in that old rusty machine , but it looked dented and old . I saw her eyeing the soup . There was a microwave nearby . " I 'm getting the hot , creamy , tomatoey soup and it 's going to be good . We can share . " She looked at me , smiling . The first bite was good , but I wanted to make it last . We 'd been living on mostly fear and cigarettes for the last 2 days . This was a different kind of starving . Inside was a moldy mess of green and brownish liquid . She stared in disbelief , but not me . I knew fate was out to get us . She jeered at me in my head . You think you can outrun me ? We were stunned and defeated but when we got on the bus , we snuggled in our seats in the back of the bus and shared that last little candy bar . We tried to make the best of it . We were still together and still sisters and still safe from our Mom and Dad . One Snickers bar to share for the rest of the ride to New York . It was going to be a long 24 hours . One more day and we 'll be safe with our older sister . One more day and we 'll never have to feel this way again . Justice ; jus ' tis n . ( L . justitia , from justus , just . ) The quality of being just ; justness ; propriety ; correctness ; rightfulness ; just treatment ; vindication of right ; requital of desert ; merited reward or punishment . " Justice is just a word in the dictionary , Morgain . " A lawyer once told me . He continued , " You can go look it up in a dictionary if it makes you feel better . " The man who molested me and attacked the eight year old girl in front of me when I was six is dead . I am free . Or supposed to be . He told me he believed me and I started crying in that little room . At forty two , it was the first time I had ever heard anyone tell me that they believed me and that I was doing the right thing . He told me it good thing that I was reporting the attack . It was documented . It happened and I had survived it . Their stories fit and overlapped each other . They both moved around , they destroyed lives , they attacked people and violated them wherever they went , and they continued to destroy . They did horrific things to people and then they died . It was my fault I couldn 't let it go . I let them in my head , it was my fault for not forgetting . I wasn 't a good forgetter . I had a good memory and I remember every horrific thing that happened and the damage that happened . " Let 's go to Chico 's ! ! " My aunt said when I told her I wanted to tell the police , just so it was documented and to find out what happened to him and to prevent it from happening to another child . " Nobody will believe the word of a six year old , Morgain . " She said . Then she gave me some Suzanne Somers books . Some nights I wake up and I feel his hand on my throat , I hold my breath and I am six again . He 's kneeling by the bed with a flashlight and he looks like Jesus . I 'm too scared to move , too scared to breathe , holding my breath so I die so I don 't have to hear the sounds of the eight year old girl being attacked next to me . He was living in our garage and our mother was in the next room sleeping . He was another drifter my mother had picked up and she already knew he had molested other children , but she needed him to do insurance scams for her . So , it was a tradeoff . He got to attack children and my mom got a proficient henchman . The attack I witnessed changed my view of the world when I was six . Before then , I felt safe when I slept . My cat would sleep on my chest , my sisters and I would snuggle like kittens and fall asleep laughing and whispering , but after the night he came into my bedroom with a flashlight , I never slept well again . Justice ; jus ' tis n . ( L . justitia , from justus , just . ) The quality of being just ; justness ; propriety ; correctness ; rightfulness ; just treatment ; vindication of right ; requital of desert ; merited reward or punishment . If I could tell myself anything in this picture , it would be to run far from my family and never look back . I would tell that sweet 16 year old girl who worked two jobs that summer to run fast and to not look back ever again . To find a new family or some form of family that was safe and who loved her for exactly who she was . There aren 't a lot of pictures of me from when I was a teenager . This picture was taken by a friend from high school who kept it somewhere for the last 26 years . Any pictures I have of me as a child or teenager were given to me my friends or people who kept them over the years . There aren 't a lot of pictures of us when we were little kids either . My mom was mentally ill and frequently in and out of prison and mental hospitals , so we moved every 3 - 6 months usually leaving everything behind in a hurry because my mom was wanted by the police so we just split and left everything behind . I have nothing from my childhood and nothing from my teenage years except a Greyhound bus ticket stub from when was 18 and came to Los Angeles . Before this picture was taken , my sisters and I had been homeless living with our mother in various cities and motels ranging from Australia to Los Angeles to Upstate New York and South Carolina . We had been homeless at 13 and 15 when my mother had checked herself into a mental hospital in New York and left us to fend for ourselves a year earlier . Our two older 17 and 19 year old sisters tried to care for us . At this point in this picture in 1990 , I was 16 and working two jobs . We had already lived in three houses in a year on Hilton Head in this picture , and the worst was yet to come . But this summer was fun , when I was off . My Aunt Maggie had already accused me of stealing from her house at this point but I didn 't know it at the time . She didn 't have the courage to ask me or even accuse me outright that something was missing from her house in California when we visited her a year earlier , she did it a cowardly way , they way dysfunctional families operate . With gossip and insinuations and scapegoating behind your back but super friendly to your face . She had told everyone in the family , except me , that I had stolen a ring from her house but never confronted me or even told me that something was missing . I had no idea . I just remember always wishing she was my mom and that I wished I had a safe bedroom and home to go to like her house . They turned me away , asked me where the ring I had stolen from Aunt Maggie was and then left me to fend for myself and deal with their psychotic sister on my own , when they should 've taken care of this problem 20 years earlier when they had known what a dangerous person she was and how badly her children were being abused . Alone , penniless , homeless , underage and in a foreign country for the next three months . If I could tell myself anything in this picture , it would be to run far from my family and never look back because it would never change . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I want to make sure that I clarify this in my statement and make as clear as possible the urgency of this situation after what I discovered recently with photos posted of children overseas linked to his Facebook account . I found photos of infants and children . The girls were about 6 - 10 years old and had a lot of makeup on . This story and situation affects a lot of industries and institutions . In my part of this story , we moved a lot and it 's over a long period of time . I tried to edit this as clearly as I can and cut down as much as possible . A year and a half later , he told me to file a police report in 2016 after I commented on Allison Hope Wiener 's show " Crime Time " did a report on Elijah Wood , child actors & pedophiles . She replied and was adamant that I go to the police ASAP and file a report . I did not want to file one and he spoke to me on the phone and told me I needed to go in in June 2016 . He told me my child rape story was boring in June of 2016 when I called him to read him my statement . I called him to read this to him because I thought he was a friend and advocate ; and he interrupted me and told me to leave parts out . I was trying to read him my sex abuse statement to him out loud for the first time ever , to anyone , before I went to the police in 2016 to file a police report . After I found out about the Paterno report he did , I got really angry & we had a falling out . I feel that Paterno knew and covered for Sandusky and I did not know that he endorsed Paterno and his behavior with his report when I came to him . I never would have come to Jim Clemente if I had known about the report he did for Sandusky / Paterno case but I thought he was a victims advocate and my faith in him has been completely shattered . He only brought me in to audition at Universal Studios after I had let him take photos of me at his home in the hills and his wife ( Alexandra Denman ) was home that day and I met her . She did not look me in the eye . She was in the kitchen . He asked me on the phone , when I was in the 7th grade , in Westport CT , with witnesses in the room , to meet with him in Manhattan and offered to take me shopping and buy me gifts and asked me if I would like to sleep with him overnight in his hotel in Manhattan after we went shopping . His intent was clear and he was treating me like I was his girlfriend . I was in the 7th grade and he was in his forties . We were in Sherman Oaks , California and there were five people at the house in the Hollywood Hills . Two of the adults were lawyers from Washington D . C and one is still considered an advocate for exploited children and is on the board of a state sponsored Children 's Law Center . But she was there helping her speechwriter / actor husband take photos of me when I was twelve so he could add it to his collection . I still see him on CNN and Fox News , as an economics professional and commentator , and sometimes late at night , a commercial will flash by of him hawking eye care products . " Funny and heart breaking . The Travelling Roadshow Of The Countess Maritsa is a strangely relatable story for those of us who grew up in weird families . I loved it . " - Kirsten Vangsness ( " Garcia " on Criminal Minds ) Actress . " Morgain has traveled the world , lived the craziest life and made it out alive and sane … Not many can say the same . It was truly my pleasure to welcome you into my home in Paris . We were young and we had fun , except for the theft : ) . I always wondered what happened to you and your Mother . I am so happy to know that you grew into such a great woman and a brilliant writer . Thanks for the memories . " - Liskula Cohen At first , it was an ideal family life , having four little girls and living on our ranch in trendy Agoura . Mom 's sisters lived nearby in Los Angeles and provided some stability and guidance . We visited our father 's movie sets and went to studio parties with the glitterati , but the sepia toned memories and happiness were soon fleeting . Mom 's regular form of income was fraud , of all kinds , but she really came alive when she got on the phone - wheeling and dealing , putting deals together with rich people . Some of them were spectacular . She was gifted at real estate and quit claims - because she had the knack of knowing what land was about to be valuable , get the rights to buy it somehow and sell it to whoever really wanted it at a much higher price . She did this with no actual money of her own and it was dazzling . When it was working in her favor , her mind was her greatest asset . She 'd find them at the DMV or pick up people spare - changing for food outside of the local grocery store . We were a family like Robin Hood , doing the right thing and helping these strange drifters that Mom had found . She told us that it was the kind thing to do , people should help each other . But as I got older , I realized they were her henchmen . They would live in our guesthouse , attic or basement and fixed things around the property . As time went by , Mom 's choice of house guests would get scruffier and lower on the moral ladder . Drug addicts , dealers , low - lifes , crackers , swamp trash , anti - socials , squatters , whores , trailer trash , junkies , whatever she could find - the dumber , the better . The more affluent ones had their van or trailer they 'd been living in towed to our newest property . She 'd order one of them to roll a dying car with a shot transmission off of a cliff or flood the basement of whatever house we were renting . We would gather up all of our clothes we were sick of , broken electronics ( and anything else we didn 't want or feel like packing ) and throw it into the dark , smelly lake that used to be our playroom . She told us that the basement had flooded overnight and while it was an unfortunate accident , we could get new stuff this way . My sisters and I would wave goodbye from the back of the station wagon with our cats and dogs to the bad town that wasn 't right for us . We knew other people led normal lives but Mom told us the new town was going to be better . This town was bad luck . After our eighth or ninth school , my sisters and I began to create cover stories to tell our newfound friends . Growing up in chaos created a defiant kind of camaraderie for us . The secrets of our sisterhood banded us together to kept us sane . We began to realize what our Mom was , but we didn 't have the word for it . I told friends that my mom was freelance writer with a gypsy streak . We knew that soon she 'd find a real job as a writer , eventually . Her winnings on the show changed our nomadic lives . For the first time , we went to a school for two years in a row and even though we still took road trips in our custom van up to Oregon , Washington and Idaho ; we had a home to go back to in Los Angeles . We had food in the refrigerator and the cops didn 't come by to arrest Mom every few months . It was peaceful . Things got bad again once the money ran out . We ended up living in a motel on Sepulveda Boulevard for three months until Mom could think of something . I 've driven by that motel recently and families are still living there . The show was a huge hit in Australia and the producers were willing to fly her and one other person to Melbourne and put her up in a hotel for at least a week or so . She convinced them to pay for Me and Erin to go , since we were both under fifteen . Mom had warrants out and detectives looking for her in New York - so a trip to Australia to escape certain jail time in New York was an opportunity that Mom couldn 't refuse . All the contestants were shuttled to the studio every day , and the producers would randomly pick the contestants who would be on the show for the day . Everyone would come back by five or six for cocktails and hors d ' oeuvres in the lounge . Mom finally had a 9 to 5 job . It was in the lounge where Mom picked off her prey . Mom liked pills more than the drink , so she would wait it out while the other contestants got drunk and mingled . In 1989 , there was no Internet . It was hard to tell if a credit card was stolen and they were run by hand machines and carbon copies . The stores would only phone in a suspiciously large purchase , so it would be weeks before English banks would know anything was up . Mom 's day to finally be a contestant on the show came - and she didn 't do well at all . She was very sick on the day of the taping and only made about $ 1700 . It was time to go back home to the states . After we got back to New York , we crashed at Katie and Meagan 's apartment . My sisters and I couldn 't joke about this anymore , we all started to unravel . We needed a Mom and she was wanted by the police all over New York for various thefts and fraud . Mom checked herself into fancy mental hospital because she said that the cops can 't arrest you if you 're a patient . The four of us were on our own until she could figure something out . She was there for a few weeks when the cops found her and it was a matter of time before they figured out a loophole in the mental patient protection law . Mom checked herself out and announced that we were moving to Hilton Head Island , in South Carolina . Tomorrow . Mom was waiting for them like a grandma spider nanny in a beautiful hotel . After the kids came back from swimming , tennis or golf lessons , Mom would put them to bed and help herself to whatever cash or jewelry she didn 't think the parents would miss . Most of the time , they hadn 't realized they 'd been robbed until they got back to their northern homeland and sobered up . " I was a boutique thief , I never robbed anyone who 'd be left with nothing " , she told me recently . " Morgain , there is no honor among thieves , I 've never seen it . But I never stole from someone who 'd be left with nothing . I stole from the rich . " My sisters were done . They decided to move back to upstate New York and break free from Mom , but I couldn 't . For years , we had been raised on a roller coaster ride of torched houses , cross country road trips , international hotel rooms , run down motels , a gunfight , foreign authorities , Australian game shows , addiction and madness . After Mom posted bail on Hilton Head , my sisters had already left and I was alone with her . Mom presented me with a new plan . We were going to start a new life in England . I knew how sick she was , but I couldn 't leave her . She had already programmed me to protect her . In England , I started going to a posh school in Kensington and started hanging out with my friends . I tried to stay away from home as much as possible . While I was at school , Mom had started doing some very bad things and ended up in Holloway Women 's Prison , in London . The detectives confiscated my passport and I was trapped in London , homeless for the rest of the winter . The tingling was leaving my fingers and my toes were warming up ; I was beginning to thaw out . I had to get up off the radiator ; it was almost dark and there was no place to go and I had run out of options . I couldn 't even visit Mom at the prison until tomorrow . Everything was closed or closing and the snowstorm was too cold to walk in . I had to figure something out fast . There was a phone on the desk was by the art class , and the art teacher had a reputation for being cool . I think she knew what was going on with my situation , but she never gave me the worried look the other teachers gave me . Her class was empty and I think she was puttering back in her art studio but hopefully she wouldn 't hear me call my aunt . If I ever made it out of this , I was going to putter around too . The coast was clear , the classrooms were empty and it was quiet , I could call Aunt Erin and nobody would hear my shame . I picked up the phone to dial . Aunt Erin 's company had an 800 number and I pressed zero to get to an international operator . " Hi , can you please dial an eight hundred number for me ? " The American operator had a twang in her voice and the line was kind of fuzzy and she sounded far away . I thought about the telephone cables under the black and cold ocean that separated England from The United States and how far away my sisters were . I waited and heard the clicks until she put me through and then asked the operator at my family 's office to put me through to their house . I had barely spoken with anyone in my family since I busted my little sister Erin ( named after Aunt Erin ) from foster care here after the cops arrested mom at our house in the country . I took my little sister straight to Heathrow after I sprung her from temporary foster care . We had no family here that could help us . They were all back in the States . I took her to the airport as fast as I could so they couldn 't take her passport and make her stay here too to testify against my mom . Then we 'd both be homeless . Little Erin was living with our eighteen year old sister Katie in New York and had a return ticket back home . My oldest sister Meagan lived near them and was waitressing and putting herself through community college . I should have gone with them . I had made a terrible mistake coming here with mom . I was the only one who came with Mom to England to start a new life again . A fresh start . We were going to do it this time . All of my sisters had stayed behind in the states and moved back to upstate New York after what happened on Hilton Head . Mom had bought Erin a plane ticket for Christmas to come to England and was trying to convince her to move to England and live with us when she got arrested and taken to Holloway . They arrested me too but let me go when my school told them I was in class when the crimes were committed . The day after Christmas , cops came to our house out in the country and raided it . Later on we found out that while I was at school and trying to convince myself that Mom had turned over a new leaf ; she had been robbing manor houses and selling the antiques she had stolen . I knew something was up , but not sure . It always made me nervous and uneasy when I was happy and things were quiet at home because I knew from experience that it wouldn 't last . Mom always ruined it . But this time she had credit cards with her name on them and I thought we were living on money from when her father died five months earlier . I knew it was too good to be true . Nothing happy and stable with mom ever lasted . As soon as we moved to England and I started school , I stayed away from Mom and the house she rented and spent it at school with my new friends . I 'd go to the library or to their houses after school and I 'd stay there as much as I could . I liked to see how normal teenagers my age lived and I hated going home to Mom . She had rented a huge house in the country , an hour and a half out from London and there was no reason to go there ; it was mostly an empty house and I stayed in my room anyway . After everything that had happened in the States , I just didn 't like being around her anymore . I was spending so much time at school and in London ; I didn 't care what she was doing anymore . I was enjoying my freedom from her . I could take the train into the city and go to school and could stay away until almost the last train ran back . We had started to get into fights when I got home because she said I was never home anymore and didn 't want to be around her . I didn 't really have a plan , but I knew I wanted to get away from Mom and live my life . She ruined her own life and she ruined anyone who was near her . It was only a matter of time before she did something terrible , again . I didn 't know how to escape from Mom . She had programmed me to take care of her and protect her , and I was trying to deprogram myself , but I didn 't know how . I didn 't know what was normal anymore . Aunt Erin would give me an answer or some encouragement or some ideas of what to do . I needed a friend and needed to talk to someone who knew Mom 's history and how dangerous she was . Aunt Erin picked up . " Hello ? " She sounded weak and tired . I burst into tears . It was good to hear a family member 's voice . " Aunt Erin ? ? It 's Morgain . . I 'm so sorry . . I need help . . " I was babbling now . I needed someone to talk to who knew how crazy mom was . Aunt Erin had seen my mom arrested a dozen times , she knew how bad it was . She lived with us until I was about four . She knew . " Morgain , I just had a baby a week ago and I 'm a mess . I don 't know if I can help you . " She wasn 't very friendly and seemed angry . I had forgotten that she was a mom now and just had a baby . " Look , I 'm sorry but they took my passport so I can 't leave , I don 't have any money or a place to stay and I need help . It 's so cold outside . I don 't have anywhere to go and I don 't know anyone else to call . " I was rambling again . " I 'm calling you from the school , all of my friend 's parents have tried to help but they 're freaked out and they want to know where my family is . Mom scares the shit out of them and the whole school knows she 's wanted all over in the States . I don 't know what to do . " I was heaving and breathing and trying to regulate my breath . She spoke very quietly . " Morgain , I can 't help you until you tell me where the ring is that you stole . " I was stunned . " What ? " I whispered . " What ? " I repeated . " The ring you stole from Aunt Peggy 's house . I am not sending you a goddamned dime until you tell me where it is and where you sold it . " She was angry now . I started crying and stammering again , " I haven 't seen Aunt Peggy since we stayed at her house , when I was fifteen and we were on the way to Australia when Mom was on the game show . I never stole her wedding ring ! Why would you think I would do something like that ? ! " I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had seen Aunt Peggy in L . A five months earlier at the funeral , just for a day . " Wait a minute … . Wait … I saw her at Grandpa 's funeral five months ago and she never said anything and we used her station wagon and did errands ! She never said anything to me then ! Why didn 't she say anything to me then ? ? I love Aunt Peggy , I 'd never do something like that ! " I would never steal from anyone , especially Aunt Peggy . Her daughter little Peggy was my best friend . Whenever I went to a new school and someone asked me who my best friend was , besides my little sister , I would say " my cousin Peggy ! " because she was and I knew that we would always be family and best friends . Little Peggy had always been my friend when I had none and whenever I was in a new school , I thought of her and how much fun we had at her house and that she would always be my friend so I never felt alone . Mom and I went to their house in the Valley for her father 's wake about five months ago , the previous August when my grandfather died . But Mom and I stayed in a hotel near her and were about to start our new life in England . We were only in L . A for a few days and we only went to the funeral and then we went to Aunt Peggy 's house for the wake . Then we went to England to start a new life . Family gatherings were tense because they all knew how bad it was for us . Aunt Peggy was cautious around us , because Mom was awful to her and had been for most of her life . Aunt Peggy was great with kids and loved kids , but with us , she smiled a grim , tight smile and she seem relieved when she waved from the front door as were driving away , like she had seen a huge tornado and it had just barely missed her house and family . We were a problem too big for anyone to bear . When I was in the 6th grade , we lived in a motel on Sepulveda for a few months and it was 3 miles from her house and we never saw her . For two months we lived in a dark and dirty motel room in a terrible area and my aunt , father and grandfather all lived nearby . Nobody ever came to visit or to save us from Mom . I should 've went with my sisters when they left Hilton Head to go back , but I didn 't want to go . It was freezing and up in the middle of the woods in the Adirondack 's . We had already moved away once from Upstate to get away from the cold and poverty there . Mom had promised me that we were only moving one more time ; to a fresh start and going to use the money her dad left her to start over in England . Deep down I think I knew it was bullshit but I was sixteen and wanted to believe her . I needed a mom and was in denial . I didn 't know where else to go , my dad was abusive and I had seen him hit my mom , I didn 't want to live with him at all . I didn 't want to move in with my Dad because he was a drunk and a mean one and also violent towards women . I had seen my father while we were in L . A for the funeral ; but only briefly . The time I 'd seen him before that , on the way back from Australia , he tried to throw my mom over a balcony at his ranch while trying to strangle her and the police came and broke them up . I should 've moved in with my friend Amy 's parents and stayed on Hilton Head and listened when they offered me a way out . I should 've taken that scholarship to Hilton Head Prep when the school offered me one . I should 've stayed on Hilton Head with people who cared about me and had offered me a way out . " It 's not her wedding ring . It 's another kind of ring . " She spoke again , " Morgain , right before you guys all went to Australia , Uncle Tim was taking a nap and saw you in their room and saw you take something off their dresser and when he woke up you ran out of the room . " Aunt Erin was was pleading with me . " Just tell me where you sold it and I can help you . We need to get it back , please , Morgain , just tell me where it is . " I could her her crying . I was shocked . But then again , I remembered how Mom 's family acted every time we came around . They were always angry and upset and uncomfortable because they knew we were abused and neglected and it made them feel bad . But not bad enough to call child protective services and save us from the madwoman . " Aunt Erin , the only time I ever was in their room was to get some fancy Làncome makeup off her dresser because her daughter told me to go in there and get it for her . She told me not to wake her dad up from a nap . I swear . I wouldn 't do something like that . I 've been working since I was fourteen . I 'm not HER ! ! ! " They thought I was just like her . That 's why they didn 't care I was homeless . I remembered that day perfectly . We were visiting Aunt Peggy 's right before we went to Australia . It was easier for them to dehumanize me . Otherwise they would have to step in and help me . It 's easier for them to tell themselves I 'm worthless . I remembered the day I got the fancy Lancôme makeup out of Aunt Peggy 's room for my cousin . Mom was wanted all over in New York state so when the offer came to her to be a return champion on a game show called " Sale of The Century " in Melbourne ; it was a stroke of weird luck for her . She had been a big winner in Los Angeles , back in 1984 . Little Peggy and I were the same age and getting ready to go out and meet boys and I remember we were doing our makeup and hair and I wished to God more than anything to have a bedroom like my cousin 's and a mom who was a teacher who kept a job and home and the cops never kicked the door in . I loved Aunt Peggy 's bedroom . She had a little screen hole cut out for the cats to come in and out and her whole room smelled like Yardley of London roses and Crabtree and Evelyn . Aunt Peggy 's bedroom was the only place that ever stayed the same . I started sobbing again . Aunt Erin wasn 't going to be the hero . She couldn 't be the hero . There were no more heroes left . Only people that hated my mom and the people who thought I was like her . " I swear to God , I don 't know where it is but I do know you have to be eighteen to pawn anything , I was fifteen then ! ! You can 't pawn anything when you are underage ; they won 't let you ! ! " I was angry now too . I knew this because I tried to pawn something when I was sixteen in South Carolina the year earlier , to bail my mom out of jail there and the Pawnbroker turned me away and got livid and wanted to know what kind of fucked up parent would make their sixteen year old kid pawn something to bail them out of jail . " I 've never stolen anything from Aunt Peggy , I swear . " I was sobbing and babbling again . I looked outside . It was pitch black and the snow was furiously coming down in the glow of the streetlights when I looked outside the windows . Down on the street , it was empty . Nobody was outside . Aunt Erin seemed satisfied that I was telling her the truth . " Calm down , it 's okay . I 'm going to send you money . I have to go , I 'm exhausted . " She said . I could hear a baby crying . " Oh thank you , thank you ! ! " Maybe I could rent a room somewhere until Mom 's court date , I think it was a few weeks away . And then I could figure out how to find a way out of this and get away from Mom . " I 'll send you $ 200 pounds , go to Western Union , it 'll be there . " She said . " Thank you Aunt Erin , thank you . " I whispered in a shaky breath . I put the phone down and suddenly I realized that Aunt Erin had never brought up my mom in the conversation or that Mom was in Holloway Women 's Prison right now for theft . She never mentioned her felon sister who had been in and out of jails for theft for the last twenty five years . My mother bullied both her sisters ; and even when she was in prison , they were still scared of confronting her . Why they found it easier to blame me didn 't matter ; it was pitch black outside and fifteen degrees and the school was closing . I needed to find a place to sleep . The $ 200 pounds she was sending would be gone quickly if I wasn 't smart ; even if I could even find a cheap hotel in London that would rent me a room . Then I realized I couldn 't get a hotel room because I had no ID and wasn 't eighteen yet . The cops had taken my passport because they wanted me to stay in England and testify against my mom . I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket . On it was a phone number my mother had given to me the last time I saw her at the prison . I didn 't want to call it but now it was my only option . It was the phone number of Mom 's cellmate 's daughter . She had given the number to Mom to give it to me in case I was ever desperate and needed a safe place to sleep . She had told mom that her daughter and I were the same age . I picked up the phone again to call the number , the daughter 's name was Amanda . My fingers were shaking again and someone had started to turn off the lights in the classrooms . The school was closing . I dialed the number and then someone picked up . " ' Ello ? " It was a girl with a thick cockney accent . I heard hip hop music in the background . " Hi Amanda , Uhhh … this is Morgain , I 'm so sorry to bother you but I 'm in a really bad place . I 'm calling you from my school right now and they 're closing . Your mom and my mom are cellmates at Holloway and your mom said maybe I could crash with you for a few days until I can find a place to stay ? " I held my breath . Her end was silent . She finally spoke . " Oy , you 're American ? " I laughed a little . " Yes . I am . " My breath was shaky . " What kind of music do you like ? " She asked me . " Anything that doesn 't make me sad . " I told her . " Hahaha … okay , meet me at Holloway tomorrow in the visitors ' waiting room at Noon and we can make a plan . You can stay for a few days and we 'll see how it goes . Do you have a place to sleep tonight ? " She told me her address and it was pretty far from where I was . I thought of my friend that lived near me , near the school . " Ummm , Yes , I think I can find a place at my friend Hannah 's tonight . " I said . " Okay , good , " she said , " See you tomorrow . I 'll be with a man named Mr . Darby , he 's me mum 's lawyer . " She hung up . I started sobbing again . It was a mix of gratitude and relief . I had a place to sleep . She was a girl my age and we had something in common . I had made a friend . I called my other friend Hannah from my rich kid school . She lived nearby and her mom said I could stay one night at her place , but only for one night and I 'd have to leave the next day . She told me her Mom was terrified of my situation and didn 't want any part of this . Tomorrow , I 'd go to the prison and meet Amanda and see my mom and we 'd figure out a plan . For a split second , the terror in my whole being subsided a bit . It was going to be okay . As I trudged out of the doorway from my old school into the freezing night air , I thought about the woman who I had never met who was in a prison cell , sleeping next to my mom in Holloway . She had made sure I had a warm and safe place to stay . She was small for a gargoyle , smaller than her family members who lived in the eaves of Notre Dame across the street . Her family across the street were the rock stars of French gargoyles , the big ones ; you 'd see their pictures splashed across postcards and artwork ; but this little one was an authentic gargoyle that not a lot of people saw . You would have to know where to look and where the real door to the staircase to the prison was , and only real prisoners of Le Conciergerie who had stayed in the her belly knew . The good - looking blonde gendarme who was taking me through the small side door into the ancient prison didn 't see the wink ; but I saw her little bat face and she saw me . She was trying to get my attention and flittered her wings a little , and winked at me again . It happened in a slowed down second ; like the kind they talk about right before you die or think you 're going to die . " Nom . " The little French nun with the sweet face looked at me and handed me a pen slowly ; like an elaborate ritual . Like getting your first communion . The sweet faced nun didn 't speak English . None of them did and I only knew a few words in Latin and French . When I was young , standing around my mother 's knees , I loved listening to her voice and watching people fall under her spell . At the time , I thought everyone loved her as much as I did . She had a smooth throaty voice that was rich yet feminine and it could turn into velvet when she wanted something . It wrapped around you like the warm blanket of an opiate high . On the day she jumped bail after several months at Holloway Women 's Prison , she called me from a pay phone at her bail hostel in Oxford . If she stayed for her court date , she said , she 'd be locked up for more than a year . She told me to start packing , because she 'd be by to pick me up in an hour . It was around mid - afternoon when I heard her pull up to Amanda 's apartment in a black shiny London taxi . I was rushing around , packing up the last of my shit , when I looked out of the open window , down to the wet street and saw her getting out of the cab . I dropped my cigarette with a shaking hand and stared at her . The few short months in prison had changed and hardened her , she 'd lost weight and her face was ashen . For the first time , she 'd been in prison for months , not just the few days that she was used to . I had told her over and over again that the computer age was upon us , but she kept running her old scams and ended up in all the systems . I began to believe her when she told me England was trying to kill us . " We have to go , " Mom said as she walked in Amanda 's East end apartment in Stoke Newington . She looked around at the bare living room and her eyes settled on me , she was edgy and restless . " Now . " she looked at her watch . She didn 't bother to chat with Amanda ; who was by the window , smoking a silk cut . I looked at Amanda and she understood . She and I were the same age and became friends in a strange way . Our mothers were cellmates together at Holloway . Amanda had a thick Cockney accent and was of mixed race . She wore matching Addias hoodie tracksuits and always had her hair up in a ponytail . She was Sporty Spice . She had creamy cafe latte skin , with a spattering of freckles across the bride of her nose and her eyes were hazelnut colored with flecks of copper . She should have been a Bennetton model , but she was stuck in the ghetto and didn 't know how to get out . Amanda had talents and one of them was being a professional when it came to rolling spliffs . She taught me how to roll quick , small ones you could puff on and toss in the bushes if a cop was nearby . Pipes were too much evidence to carry and get busted with . Joints , as we Americans call them . Spliffs in England . The Brits also have a different way of smoking out . When you smoke weed in a circle of friends in the U . S , you take a hit and pass it . In England , one holds on the joint for a few puffs and smokes 3 or 4 hits while everyone chats . If you pulled that shit in California , you would get your ass kicked for Bogarting the joint . Puff , puff pass , bitch . Everyone needs to get high . Now . Oh , and they don 't have weed , grass , chronic or any of the green stuff over there . They smoke hash . And if you smoke too much or try to smoke it like grass , you will puke in a few hours . Reality was something we didn 't like to deal with while our mothers were in prison together , so we got high . And drunk . But high during the day . We knew that if you drank during the day , you were an alcoholic . So we smoked hash . Amanda would pull out a brown sticky square of hash and flick her lighter over the end corner of it . She would carefully sprinkle the crumbly brown hash over tobacco , which had been ripped out of a Silk Cut cigarette . She rolled it up in a Zig Zag paper and light it . She squinted as the cloud of smoke wafted in her face . She took a long drag of a joint and held it in as she spoke , " Morgain , I 'm just a half caste girl living in the ghetto . " She blew it out and her eyes watered . " What kind of job can I get ? I ain 't got nuffink , mate . No fucking education , no fucking money , not even me Mum . " She shook her head ruefully . She looked up at me , like maybe I had the answer . We 'd dissolve into the giggles and insulate ourselves against the harsh world with laughter . The highs from the hash would take us to an innocent place where we could be like children again . She was the only girlfriend I 've ever had that also had a mom in prison and we could tell each other the truth . I felt bad that Amanda didn 't have any sisters to share the misery of having a parent in Prison . At least I had my three sisters when Mom got arrested in the States . I thought about them and knew they were worried about me , but there wasn 't anything they could do . They didn 't have money to send me and were trying to stay alive themselves . And , I was too ashamed to tell them that she 'd tricked me , again . Now , Mom was back . I wasn 't sure why I felt so uneasy around her , but I could tell that she was in the dark places of her mind where not even I could reach her . My mother was gone , replaced by a strange , sinister woman with a wild , leaping look in her eyes . I was packing my stuff in the bathroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror as I looked up from the sink . I was very pale and my eyes had a strange glimmer to them as well . They weren 't my eyes , they were like a street cat 's , skittish and not sure who to trust . Mom 's long stay in prison must have changed me too . As the taxi puttered along to train station , I took a long last look out the window . When we fled from the detectives in the States , Mom told me she was going to turn her life into something good here and get a job as a writer . I had loved this city and all the hope it held for us in the beginning . Then everything had turned dark , like it always did before we had to leave in a hurry . Waterloo station was coming up and I thought of the long trip before us . Getting out of England was going to be hard . Mom was supposed to be back at the bail hostel by now and it was getting dark . They would start looking for her soon . Mom and I got out of the cab and headed towards the train station . She was slow and creaky from age and I turned around to wait for her . The wind whipped her grey hair up in tufts , in a comical way , like a picture of fun times from the rollercoaster rides at an amusement park . She smiled at me and I knew I couldn 't leave her . Another round in prison would kill her . She was supposed to be back at the bail hostel in Oxford by dusk , and it was definitely dark now . We still needed another hour on the train south to the ocean . Then we had to get on the ferry in Portsmouth . Somehow , we had to get on the boat without Mom getting caught through their checkpoint and sent back to Holloway Women 's Prison . When we got to the Waterloo train station , I realized sporting events were finally good for something . The British were invading France for the weekend so see their soccer team . A massive crowd of rose - cheeked men from Liverpool in soccer jerseys were flooding the station , trying to get on the last trains to the ferry . The were jumpy and excited , looking for a fight and a fuck . The Mojave sky was purple , pink with streaks of gold fading into another endless starry night . You could sip scotch and gaze up at for hours before you realized your neck was numb . My father loved to sit out in the dark , alone He would sit in his chair and stare at the sky and the changing colors of his magnificent view and would sit still for hours . I never saw him smoke but he was a heavy smoker for 40 years and sometimes I would see a faint slow swirl of smoke from the Kool cigarettes he used to smoke curl around him , like ghosts from the bar that followed him from Manhattan to his new life and desert home in the Mojave . Ghost cigarettes and old stories followed him and if you waited long enough , you 'd see them at twilight . The desperate harshness of the desert mirrored his face and I never let him catch me spying on him when he was outside drinking in the dark alone , but I knew he understood this land . " You have to respect anything that survives in the desert , Morgain . " He 's say and then a low " Mmmmm . . hummm . . " under his breath and then sip his scotch again . Sometimes he was in a good mood , but sometimes he would unleash his bitterness upon us . My father was an excellent pool player . He did the trick shots in the movie " The Hustler " and was Paul Newman 's stand in when they were filming . Whatever my Dad had tried to do by taking us in after the Feds got Mom hadn 't worked . He was too far gone in his alcoholism and was abusive , horrible and sick . By the time he said he would take us in to live with him , Erin and I were 16 and 17 , sick of living in motels and living on the run with our mother . And very , very angry . We were angry at his half - assed attempts to redeem himself . Thanks for giving us a place to stay while our Mother was in prison again . Thanks for finally stepping in 15 years too late . Where the fuck was he for the last 15 years when we were going to three schools a year ? Why didn 't he step in before it got to this point ? He knew it was his fault . He said we were like her . We were as crazy as our mother and were going to end up losers like her . \ He liked to spout his bullshit while sipping his Johnny Walker red and staring at us through heavy lidded eyes . What about him ? What part did he have in all of this ? How did he sleep at night knowing his children had been living in and out of hotels and on the run all of their lives ? The problem with freedom and leaving an abuser is money . It is always money , or lack of it , that traps women . My sister and I had a plan and we had money , sort of . We had a piece of stolen jewelry that we had hidden . A gold necklace and some other pieces we had found in a stash in Mom 's hotel room in Florida before the cops came and searched the room . We were going to pawn it on the way to New York so we could get an apartment when we got to our older sister 's house . We were going to run away . Erin wanted to go back to the Adirondack 's , to Glens Falls were Katie lived with her husband and baby Matthew . I wanted to stay in California and save money and get our own place , we could move near the beach . I was going to be an actress and didn 't want to go to New York , but Erin and I had made a pact to stay together no matter what . Steve was a Marine and came to rescue us from the isolated ranch prison high above the Mojave . Erin and I had met Steve at a party with some friends we met at Littlerock High School and after attending school in the LAUSD for two weeks and I decided I was over school . After all that I 'd been through in London , I just couldn 't face pretending anymore . I wasn 't going to college and I couldn 't relate to the other kids in school . Steve had just returned from the First Gulf War and was all fucked up from seeing death and destruction over there . He had seen his own war too . And , he was a really good looking man . Tall and tan , with light brown hair and blue eyes . He was just the kind of guy I liked . A man 's man . Built , strong , handsome , tall , considerate . He was quiet and definitely grown . He was like a cop or a fireman . These guys had seen action . He liked me and it was fun to have a guy to hang out with and drink beer and we had gone out a few times . And he had a white Mustang . He came to Dad 's ranch and gave us a ride to the Greyhound Bus station . The bus station in Lancaster with deserted when we arrived and we had packed light . Erin and I had packed hastily , with a small suitcase each and we 'd left most of our stuff behind at our Dad 's . We 'd just get new stuff later , we needed to get out of California before our dad realized we 'd run away . The November desert wind sent chills on our bare arms . The big silver beast of a bus was idling , ready for the next adventure . Erin got out of the Mustang first so I could say goodbye . I looked at the bus station and thought about going back to the ranch . After going to 28 different schools and saying goodbye to friends , I realized not to get too close to anyone . He was a Marine and military guy , he had seen things too . Guys that have been through war were guys I got along with . We understood each other . That was the last I ever saw of him . I called our mutual friends a year later to find him and call him . I learned he 'd driven off a cliff one night and died a few months after I left . Either by accident , PTSD or on purpose , it didn 't matter . He died and I never got to see him again . Erin and I only had $ 20 in cash and it was going to be a long ride to New York . We had to make it last . We needed to pawn that gold necklace but Thanksgiving was two days away and we needed to get out of California , fast . Dad would be home soon . We got on the bus and in two days , we were in the Midwest . We woke up at 6am and looked out of the window , there was snow and frost on the ground but we had forgotten to get out our jackets in our suitcases under the bus . Erin and I huddled together in the back of the Greyhound and looked out the windows at the cars going by and small town life . We were beginning to get hungry . We checked our cash stash and recounted it . We each had exactly one dollar . We went back to sleep and decided we would pawn the necklace in Chicago and get some food . I was seventeen , but someone would buy it from me if a pawn shop wouldn 't . The air hit us first , like an icy blast of warning , as the doors from the terminal opened . When we got outside , it was so cold the wind bit through our souls . It was colder than London in winter . The wind blew through the tall skyscrapers and made an eerie sound . It was like a deranged animal in a trap howling in your ear . The streets were empty . It was Thanksgiving Day . People were at their warm homes with their families . I thought about my Mom 's sisters and her sisters and my cousins and their families . Erin looked at me and the wind was howling . We couldn 't walk a block in this weather , we forgot our fucking jackets and our stuff was under the bus and the driver had taken off for an hour . Erin shouted to me over the rush of air , " It 's fucking freezing ! We have to go back inside ! " We trudged our way through the emptiness of the weird green light of the bus terminal . There were a lot of homeless people were snoozing on benches and some were reading . The Libraries were closed today . It was too cold outside for anyone . Even crazy people . We could see our reflections . Two young starving girls in a bus station in Chicago on Thanksgiving . No coats . No food , no money . Family blown apart . I tried not to think about it . How did we end up here ? There was a small Campbell 's soup can with a peel back lid in that old rusty machine , but it looked dented and old . I saw her eyeing the soup . There was a microwave nearby . " I 'm getting the hot , creamy , tomatoey soup and it 's going to be good . We can share . " She looked at me , smiling . The first bite was good , but I wanted to make it last . We 'd been living on mostly fear and cigarettes for the last 2 days . This was a different kind of starving . Inside was a moldy mess of green and brownish liquid . She stared in disbelief , but not me . I knew fate was out to get us . She jeered at me in my head . You think you can outrun me ? We were stunned and defeated but when we got on the bus , we snuggled in our seats in the back of the bus and shared that last little candy bar . We tried to make the best of it . We were still together and still sisters and still safe from our Mom and Dad . One Snickers bar to share for the rest of the ride to New York . It was going to be a long 24 hours . One more day and we 'll be safe with our older sister . One more day and we 'll never have to feel this way again . Justice ; jus ' tis n . ( L . justitia , from justus , just . ) The quality of being just ; justness ; propriety ; correctness ; rightfulness ; just treatment ; vindication of right ; requital of desert ; merited reward or punishment . " Justice is just a word in the dictionary , Morgain . " A lawyer once told me . He continued , " You can go look it up in a dictionary if it makes you feel better . " The man who molested me and attacked the eight year old girl in front of me when I was six is dead . I am free . Or supposed to be . He told me he believed me and I started crying in that little room . At forty two , it was the first time I had ever heard anyone tell me that they believed me and that I was doing the right thing . He told me it good thing that I was reporting the attack . It was documented . It happened and I had survived it . Their stories fit and overlapped each other . They both moved around , they destroyed lives , they attacked people and violated them wherever they went , and they continued to destroy . They did horrific things to people and then they died . It was my fault I couldn 't let it go . I let them in my head , it was my fault for not forgetting . I wasn 't a good forgetter . I had a good memory and I remember every horrific thing that happened and the damage that happened . " Let 's go to Chico 's ! ! " My aunt said when I told her I wanted to tell the police , just so it was documented and to find out what happened to him and to prevent it from happening to another child . " Nobody will believe the word of a six year old , Morgain . " She said . Then she gave me some Suzanne Somers books . Some nights I wake up and I feel his hand on my throat , I hold my breath and I am six again . He 's kneeling by the bed with a flashlight and he looks like Jesus . I 'm too scared to move , too scared to breathe , holding my breath so I die so I don 't have to hear the sounds of the eight year old girl being attacked next to me . He was living in our garage and our mother was in the next room sleeping . He was another drifter my mother had picked up and she already knew he had molested other children , but she needed him to do insurance scams for her . So , it was a tradeoff . He got to attack children and my mom got a proficient henchman . The attack I witnessed changed my view of the world when I was six . Before then , I felt safe when I slept . My cat would sleep on my chest , my sisters and I would snuggle like kittens and fall asleep laughing and whispering , but after the night he came into my bedroom with a flashlight , I never slept well again . Justice ; jus ' tis n . ( L . justitia , from justus , just . ) The quality of being just ; justness ; propriety ; correctness ; rightfulness ; just treatment ; vindication of right ; requital of desert ; merited reward or punishment . If I could tell myself anything in this picture , it would be to run far from my family and never look back . I would tell that sweet 16 year old girl who worked two jobs that summer to run fast and to not look back ever again . To find a new family or some form of family that was safe and who loved her for exactly who she was . There aren 't a lot of pictures of me from when I was a teenager . This picture was taken by a friend from high school who kept it somewhere for the last 26 years . Any pictures I have of me as a child or teenager were given to me my friends or people who kept them over the years . There aren 't a lot of pictures of us when we were little kids either . My mom was mentally ill and frequently in and out of prison and mental hospitals , so we moved every 3 - 6 months usually leaving everything behind in a hurry because my mom was wanted by the police so we just split and left everything behind . I have nothing from my childhood and nothing from my teenage years except a Greyhound bus ticket stub from when was 18 and came to Los Angeles . Before this picture was taken , my sisters and I had been homeless living with our mother in various cities and motels ranging from Australia to Los Angeles to Upstate New York and South Carolina . We had been homeless at 13 and 15 when my mother had checked herself into a mental hospital in New York and left us to fend for ourselves a year earlier . Our two older 17 and 19 year old sisters tried to care for us . At this point in this picture in 1990 , I was 16 and working two jobs . We had already lived in three houses in a year on Hilton Head in this picture , and the worst was yet to come . But this summer was fun , when I was off . My Aunt Maggie had already accused me of stealing from her house at this point but I didn 't know it at the time . She didn 't have the courage to ask me or even accuse me outright that something was missing from her house in California when we visited her a year earlier , she did it a cowardly way , they way dysfunctional families operate . With gossip and insinuations and scapegoating behind your back but super friendly to your face . She had told everyone in the family , except me , that I had stolen a ring from her house but never confronted me or even told me that something was missing . I had no idea . I just remember always wishing she was my mom and that I wished I had a safe bedroom and home to go to like her house . They turned me away , asked me where the ring I had stolen from Aunt Maggie was and then left me to fend for myself and deal with their psychotic sister on my own , when they should 've taken care of this problem 20 years earlier when they had known what a dangerous person she was and how badly her children were being abused . Alone , penniless , homeless , underage and in a foreign country for the next three months . If I could tell myself anything in this picture , it would be to run far from my family and never look back because it would never change . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Around Thanksgiving , my friend , A , pointed me towards a paper ornament exchange from the Mail Me Some Art blog . The exchange required participants to make 1 to 3 relatively , flat paper ornaments . However many you made , you would receive the same number in return . Easy enough and making three paper ornaments wasn 't going to be time consuming as envelope exchanges where you would get a list of 7 to 12 participants . I received three lovely ornaments in return . Sadly , two of the participants didn 't include any contact information . So I can 't show the ornaments they made . Rose kindly included her email address and gave me permission to post her work . She said she enjoys art journaling so her ornament is a mini journal . The little booklet when closed measures 3 inches by 4 1 / 4 inches . So precious . The cover is flocked paper . Reminds me of old - fashioned wallpaper and is soft to pet . Inside pages have been rubber stamped . The angel has been delicately hand colored and edged with gold mica powder , I think . The angel sparkles in the light . 1 . Christmas Eve in a traditional Italian household is THE holiday . Called the Feast of the Seven Fishes and celebrated with various fish dishes . I hate most of the traditional fishes ( eel , salted , dry cod ) , so I do a paired down version usually one fish dish . Himself requested home - made raviolis and he bought some nice shrimp for shrimp cocktail . Out shopping , I grabbed a tub of cocktail sauce . When we got home , Himself noticed the packaging said extra horseradish . He went out and bought a bottle of mild cocktail sauce . Less ajita . ( heartburn ) Ater dinner , we watched the original ( cartoon ) version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas . Just love Boris Karloff narrating the story . Later flipping through channels , found David Tennant hosting Shakespeare Live from the RSC . 2 . The actual Christmas Day was a lazy day for us as we had done the Christmas thing the day before . So spent the day watching the Doctor Who marathon in anticipation of the Doctor Who Christmas special . The special was entertaining , but not as epic as 2015 's special , The Husbands of River Song . I had also baked a batch of The Doctor 's favorite Jammie Dodgers ( shortbread with raspberry jam cookies ) to enjoy while watching the speical . 4 . Wednesday Old People Day at the movie theater and discount at Uno 's . Wanted to see Collateral Beauty but the show time had changed so we saw Manchester By The Sea . Meh . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : March 17 , 1935 I became 16 years old . April , May , and 26 days before the school term ended , I dropped out . It hurt my parents . I was just disgusted with everything . Jobs were scarce for you . Who ever ws in a position to hire would think twice to hire a child . At one time they would do so at 14 years old . The law had been changed and you had to be 16 before they would be able to hire . But it was usual to hire boys only for jobs that were for boys like running errands . Where I could get a job was a big problem . There were none . The local stores just about made out . There was the First National stores . They sold coffee , butter , cannded good , eggs . This was the forefunner along with the A & P , a competitor , the beginning of the chain stores which would have their start after WWII . Their products were excellent compared to today . A 16 ounce can of coffee was a dollar . When it was brewed in the morning it gave off an aroma that woke one up . It tasted a hell of a lot better than what we get today . The teachers were any where from [ ed : college ] sophomores to seniors . And who ever hired them knew how to pick them . Besides being knowledgeable , they were lookers . 35 of them . I had a nice time chasing them . It was the best summer of my life . I recall this little girl coming into the room . It was a large room , the chairs and tables were not set up . Her shoelace came untied and some other kid told her she was going to get punished . I sat down and calmed her down as I was tying her shoe . I assured her that no one would touch her . I would not have anyone do that . She was the younger of two sisters and they both were beautiful . The staff and teachers marveled at their being dressed and looks . I got that chore down and I got up . As I turned to get up , I saw Julie Dwight looking at me . She was the assistant to Kay Campana . A day later , I was teasing Kay when she asked me if I loved Julie . I sure did but I was defensive . I thought I might be being set up . Julie was a beautiful girl . Older by 2 or 3 years . Nice background . Father was an engineeer . And she lived in Newton [ ed : well - to - do suburb of Boston compared to East Boston ] . Kay asked me more than once that morning . But I told her I could speak for myself and I got out of that situation . . Julie when I turned my eyes on her after tying the little girl 's shoes , was looking at me with eyes that took me in . Had I walked over to her she would have wrapped her arms around me and said those three little words . I would have had a girlfriend ( steady ) I don 't know what the outcome would have been . Besides , I did not have any pocket money . At the end of the summer I would receive $ 10 for helping out at the play school . A dollar a week . Many years ago , while browsing through the holiday displays at the big box stores , we saw trendy , upside down Christmas trees . We really liked the idea and ran home to try it out . When we first moved to the house 31 years ago and to save us money , my parents gave us an artificial Christmas tree they weren 't using anymore . The top of the tree would be perfect hung on the wall upside down . Himself drilled and braced the tree with picture wire so it wouldn 't come down . The upside down tree would make the perfect home for the fragile ornaments . It would keep the irreplaceable and breakable out of the way of curious , little hands and paws . Himself constructed a series of wire loops and bends to securely hang the ornaments . Since most of the tree is above the reach of the hobbits ( though we are quite tall as hobbits go ) , Himself 's job is to decorate the tree . The tree resides on the wall year round . During the rest of the year , the tree is decorated with picture ornaments of the girlies through the years . The picture ornaments were just too pretty and precious ( especially the hand made ones done at school ) to store away in a box for a year . At Christmas , the picture ornaments are moved to the big tree so Himself can hang the fragiles . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . I haven 't made cards in a good 10 years or so . Not since I was taking care of elderly parents and had too much on my plate . This year , I decided I had time and I would make a few cards . Instead of planning this activity last Summer , I made the decision in November . Needed a simple , quick idea , but what to do . About this time , I started following the Mail Me Some Art blog and had participated in their paper ornament swap . Another swap came up for postcards made to look like presents . I wasn 't participating in this swap , but the idea would work for me for Christmas cards . I had lots of holiday paper , stickers , ribbon , and card stock . 1 . . Saw the cardinal pair at the bird feeder . Good ol ' Ma and Dad . They always seem to show up when I need them the most . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : Although I enjoyed my activity at the Center , I was also at the point of frustration . My father insisted that I should go to Boston English High . He did not believe that East Boston High was for me . It was boys and girls and he wanted me to go to an all boys school . So I put in for Boston English . My grades were ok and I was accepted . [ ed : Boston English High is the oldest public high school in the United States . You need to pass an examination to be accepted as a student ] Gone were the days when one planned for holidays . The parties were gone . We could not invite relations and celebrated alone . And not with th usual goodies . birthdays . It was very different for me . My lunches were not like the students [ ed : the school was located in Boston 's South End , a predominantly Irish - American population . Though Dad was born in this country , his parent were not . Dad would have been looked upon as an immigrant . ] I could not [ ed : afford to ] participate in the after school programs . So I went to the Center for my recreation . My father was not earning enough money to keep up with things . Just about made out . He could have had other work but refused it . He was a tailor , his fingers were supple for cloth and needle . He hoped to stay a tailor . Uncle Vincent got him a job at the Bath House and Gym in our section to the city . Giving out towels . He was embarrassed to do such a lowly job . He did not have the ability to make wine for lack of funds . And the so called friend he had at the house every weekend , he could not afford to have them in . They dropped him and went over another house where they pitched in a nickel and played and also the pot went to pay for the drinks . And no food . He was really heartbroken . He felt that he had been used . [ ed : When Dad 's father hosted the card games , he didn 't charge his guests for the food and drink provided and the players didn 't chip in any money . ] And moped about it . My mother at one time told him to forget about it . He could not afford to sit in the card game . He said he kniew that and he wouldn 't attend if they invited him . He said all he wanted was to be invited so that he would know that they still thought of him and were his friends . Which he said under circumstances was all he wanted which wasn 't much . So he took up with another group in the next block . These were the Arianase people . [ ed : from the Italian town Ariano Puglia , later Ariano Irpino ] Your mother 's to be people . Thick headed people . [ ed : 😂 , sorry , I can 't help laughing ] The old - timers as they were called . His personality changed . Any time my mother went there , she went on the quiet . He had a good line of goods and his prices were lower . I guess my father was jealous and so was the grocer 's wife . If my mother was there , she would walk in the store . All she had to do was walk out of the hallway into the store a couple of steps down . She was a jealous woman . She knew that my mother was her husband 's first choice . My mother had a Rosenthal china tea set which was one of her prized possessions . Many years ago , she gave me her set . She said , " I want to give you this with my own hand . I don 't want you to wait until I die for you to have it . " She also gave me a box that had a duplicate tea set in it . She said this was supposed to go to The Brother , but she figured he wouldn 't want it so it came to me . The box had been kicking around as I had no place to display this tea set until I brought Ma 's large curio cabinet to live in the dollhouse . As I unpacked the box , I pulled out a teapot , a creamer , and the sugar bowl that didn 't survive The Brother 's school tie whip . ( The reason The Brother was supposed to inherit this set . The sugar bowl was carefully glued together ) . There were four saucers , a teacup with a broken handle , and a tea cup . The tea cup had a chip in it . Worthless to sell . Worthless to drink from . I didn 't want to toss it out . What to do ? A bit of Gorilla Glue ( love this stuff especially since GG came out with a new non - clog bottle ) on the foot of the cup attached to a saucer . Add a bit of ribbon for a hanger . Voilá ! Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . Ink cried constantly late Thursday afternoon and all night . I wasn 't sure what his problem was . He wanted to go out into the sun room , but the temperatures were too cold so I wouldn 't let him out . He kept looking at his water bowl . The Eldest had recently bought him some Breath Fresh and added some to his water . Cats are finicky and I thought maybe , he wasn 't happy with the new taste . I put a clean bowl of fresh water , but he 'd have no part of it . Before I went to bed , I cleaned the litter box . During the middle of the night , he came into the bedroom and jumped from bed to dresser . Usuallly his signal for play time or attention . Himself thought maybe he was looking for the Breath Fresh water . So I got up and put a clean bowl of water with the Breath Fresh next to the plain bowl of water . The crying and jumping with a few minutes of cuddles in between continued through the night . Friday morning , his litter box had been used , but not the usual amount . I suspected maybe a UTI . Crying and looking at water sources ( toilet , sink , water dish ) continued , but he wouldn 't drink . He wasn 't eating his kibble , either . When we first got him , he was so tiny ( the runt of his litter ) , his jaws weren 't strong enough to crunch the kitty kibble . So for the first two weeks or so we had him , I cooked him oatmeal or scrambled an egg . I thought I could entice him to eat so I made him some scrambled egg . He took a very small nibble . Woudn 't drink his water . He calmed for a little bit while being held . Still wanted to go out to the sun room , but the temperatures were even colder than they were the day before . I did carry him out to the front porch , and he briefly was entertained by trying to paw the ribbons on the outside lights as they blew back and forth across the storm door . Inside again , he sat in the front window for a bit and chattered at the birds at the front feeder . Called the vet at Banfield , and got an appointment at noon . Had The Eldest help me wrangle Ink into the carrier and to sit with him in the back seat to keep him company on the ride . He hates the carrier and riding in the car . The vet thought he had a bladder blockage , not uncommon in male cats . She sent us to Tufts Animal Hospital and Veterinary School as Banfield isn 't equipped to handle that kind of problem . We saw Dr . B . and a student who took Ink 's medical history . She listened patiently and then said she would take Ink , give him a kitty Valium and examine him . An hour or so later , Dr . B . said she didn 't think Ink had a blockage . Good news . She wanted to run some blood and urine tests . The test results came back and indicated a bigger problem . Ink 's sodium level was something like 175 in whatever units sodium is measured . The number was off the scale . She said it could be caused by dehyrdration . Ink hadn 't had any water in 24 hrs or more . She said it could also be indicative of a thyroid problem or a brain tumor . For her to determine an exact cause would require a 3 to 5 day stay at an estimated cost of $ 200 , 000 . Way beyond our means . Even if we had the money , she said she was fairly certain , if they were able to reduced his sodium levels , she saw the outcome the same within the next week . The best course of action was to have my fur baby put down . It was not an easy decision to make , and The Eldest and I took it quite hard . Especially the Eldest . She thought she had caused Ink 's problem by giving him the Breath Fresh . I was grateful that Dr . B . told her the Breath Fresh wasn 't the issue . Lot of people and vets give it to pets all the time . His problem was most likely a factor of his 19 years of age . The fact that he wanted water but couldn 't drink was a mechanism in the brain shutting body functions down . It was his time . ( Himself has made this observation early in the morning . Tried to prepare me saying Ink 's behavior might be his way of saying it was time for him to go . I wasn 't ready to let him go . ) Dr . B brought Ink into the room so we could hold and cuddle him . Say our goodbyes . She even said we could call Himself and The Young One so they could come and be with Ink , too . She was very kind , and caring as were all the staff at Tufts . Dr . B also kindly reassured me that I had made the correct decision . If Ink was her cat , she would have reached the same conclusion . She didn 't rush us as we all hugged and cuddled Ink for the last time . She explained the procedure for him would be painless and quick . She said we could either leave or stay with him for the procedure and we all decided to stay with him until the end . So my heart has broken , and I 'm a mess . 💔 I keep looking for him in all his usual spots . The world is not as colorful or bright as it was . Ink was a wonderful companion , a source of delight and entertainment . I honestly thought he would outlast me . I 'm grateful Ink didn 't suffer for very long and for the excellent care he received at Tufts . I 've been telling myself I was fortunate to have Ink for 19 years , but it wasn 't long enough . To my sweet , kitty boy , cross the Raimbow Bridge . Jeanette , Dolly , and Mitty will meet you on the other side . Run wild and free through the Summer Lands . Now you can chase the birds , squirrels , and chippies to your heart 's content . While trolling the Interwebs , I saw a decoration that appealed to my warped sense of humor . It involved a pair of Christmas tights , dowels , some cotton batting , felt , and jingle bells . Simple enough to make a pair of elf legs to look like the elf fell through the Christmas tree . I bought all the makings , but while erranding in Target , I found an adobrable pair of elf baby slippers complete with jingle bells on the turned up toes . Ready - made elf shoes would be a big time saver . Nothing I like better than making a quick and dirty craft , even if it cost twice as much . 1 . Bought some new Christmas ornaments ( as if we really needed more ) from our outing at Oakwood Farms . We had dinner " over there " ( aka The Cracker Barrel in Sturbridge ) . Faux Southern comfort food , but we like it . 2 . Sunday was the annual town Santa parade . The local fire department drives Santa , Mrs . Claus , and an Elf around town with lights and sirens blaring . Himself and I ran outside to wave as the fire trucks drove by . And me without my phone missed a photo op for the blog ! To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : The Summer of my 14th year [ ed : 1933 ] was fun . The schoolyard was open , Charlie Arnold , or Skip , as he wanted to be called , played with us . And for the onlookers , it probably was , who was that big kid playing with the other kids ? He looks like he is having more fun than the children although he is a grown up . A man ! ! ! In fact , Skip and the other social workers were surprised that the school yards were closed when school was let out . Play areas were scarce . We had a playground that was rather crowded and most of the time it was the older boys who used it for baseball or football . To the left facing the building that was used for dressing and undressing , for uniforms and showers , was the dump and to our right another area used mostly for picnic and fireworks when , in the Summer each section of the Italian community honored their Italian section saint in Italy . So in July and August there would be two to four festivals and two with fireworks . And these were not only those that were sent skyward and exploded in different colors and also those on the ground that when they lighted up showed some art work . And the last that was lit like all the others started at one point and it was the stars and stripes . And the band that marched to the fireworks played The Star Spangled Banner . And we clapped hands , and sang , and walked home . One Summer day we were playing in the schoolyard and word came that there was going to be a rally . We began running to it . All we had to do was run up the hill , turn the corner and we were at the spot where we helped ourselved to rocks and began throwing them at those on Bremen Street . Skip came running and when he turned the corner he was shocked . A rally to him was that some people were going to speak . He began getting after us to get into the play yard before the police came and as heard the glass windows of the shoe factory being broken . He spoke of this event to other soical workers when he described the conditions of the area . How it was decided to locate the Center in East Boston , when those who were to pick a location saw children in the outskirts of the railroad , shooting dice and gambling . Also there wasn another problem . We would go to the railroad yards throw rocks at the train as it was moving the freight cars . And those employees that were in the coal car would throw coal at us . We would gather it up and some would bring it home for cooking , used it for fuel for heating . It was soft coal and it sent up a foul smell . We would use it down the cellar for a picnic fire and cook hot dogs . It would not be too long before the smell would rise to the apartment and we would hear a numbeer of the residents coming down and we would run out doors and out to the street . The Summer passed and a week before school opened or a little before that our play yard was closed and Skip went to the Center at Marginal Street . This was a streeet that was also where the ocean hit the beach . It was deep and during the immigration period , ships docked there and across the street the people were directed to the building and had their passports and papers verified and where their relatives waited while they were cleared for entrance to the USA . The Government gave up the bilding and the Hynes fund took it over . Charlie Arnold lived on the top floor of this building with his wife and their son , Everett . We spent the Fall and Spring season there for our activities . And at some point , Skip was sent to Central Square Center . I followed and participated in some activities . I can get very Grinchy at this time of year . Decorating , baking , shopping for gifts and worrying if recipients will be underwhelmed , trying to fit holiday parties and visiting in the schedule . The season can be depressing and overwhelming at the same time . So much to do . Not enough time or money . One of the things I do love is setting up my Nativity . The set is traditional , small , white , Hummel figures my brother and his wife gave us for our first Christmas . They were a souvenir from their trip to Germany . What makes me love my Christmas pageant and makes my scene so unique is the addition of other , non - traditional figures . An innocent enough start five or so years ago . A stray knick knack was picked up and placed in front of the Nativity . Things just snowballed from there . Soon computer mice , dragon and gargoyle sculptures The Young One made joined Fisher - Price farm animals and animals from a Noah 's ark . A new traidtion was born , and the theme became Everyone is Welcome . While browsing Michael 's a few months ago , The Young One and I stumbled upon a Toob filled with mythical critters : a jackalope , Yeti , Big Foot , Nessie , The Kraken . Like minds think alike , so they are the newest addition to the pageant this year . The Young One also supplied prized dinosaurs , a gift from a friend of hers . And if you 're wondering what this has to do with T Stands For , let me introduce you to Hat . She 's the little rabbit in the big picture hat with roses on her ears . She lives in her teacup and belonged to The Young One ( age 3 years old . ) I 'm sure there was a saucer that went with Hat 's teacup , but that has long since vanished . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . Wreath making time . Himself found inexpensive wreaths at the big , orange box store . I 'm not sure my heart was really into the project . Only one wreath to make for our door instead of a wreath for my parents ' door and for Prissy 's door . But The Eldest brought a huge bunch of holly from the town Christmas fair . Would have been a shame to let it go to waste . Rummaging through the Christmas box I found some large bells , cardinals , and the holly bow I 've been using for the past several years . Put it all together and hung it on the door . Didn 't feel like decorating the wreaths that we hang on the front windows . No one can see the decorations from the street . Himself hung them with the red outdoor bows that came attached . A sunny day and Frosty and Santa are all a glow . Still need several more days of sunny weather for them to really shine . That 's not going to happen this week . So this might be as good as it gets . Robin wanted to see Himself 's Christmas lights . The weather hasn 't been that great this week . We haven 't had many really sunny days for the solar lights to recharge , and the weather for the coming week doesn 't sound much better . I 've taken a few pictures because this might be as good as it gets . 2 . Himself brought me a door swag . He knew I would like the blue , juniper berries . I added the harness bells . ( Oh , and the swag was not free and he didn 't have a coupon . At least , I don 't think he did . ) 4 . In Kohl 's didn 't find the shirt with the cardinal that I saw online , but found one I liked better except they didn 't have my size . Tried on a size smaller , even though I knew that was going to be too small . Coming out of the dressing room , I saw a woman leaving that had the same shirt that I had tried on . Somehow , I knew she was not going to buy and it , and would put it back . Went back to the display , the shirt was there , and it was my size . Wandering around , saw a display of costume necklace charms of animal critters . Butterflies , ladybugs , Thought too bad there wasn 't a cardinal . Looked on the other side of the display and there was only 1 cardinal charm . I found a penny in the parking lot , too . An angel encounter day . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : I was a problem to the teachers . In the seventh grade to the ninth grade we voted for hall assistants to help the teachers during class changes . One of the girls in my 7th grade room took a liking to me . She wanted to be my girlfriend . She was cute but not bright . Anway , she put my name in as a candidate . She also got the girls to vote . When my name was called , some of the boys voted for me and all of the girls stood up . Even my girl opponent . Teacher 's eyes seemed to go up . It surprised her , she looked at me and the girls . Counted the vote and then called for the girl candidate . Then the run off . I won but I did not get to be the assistant , she [ ed : teacher ] picked the girl . My guess was that I could create a problem when we were changing classes . Amd I 'm sure that my repuation didn 't help . I took the test . In due course she came to me and said evidently the little time you spent in my class you must have paid attention . You got a C + . I said That 's an A . She said that I can 't do , there will be trouble if I do that . And I got the C + for the year . One of the traditions we had when the girlies were little , was counting down the days to Christmas with an Advent tree . Each day , one of the girlies would choose a tiny ornament from a wooden box to place on the tree . Who went first was determined by even and odd birthday . The Young One 's birthday falls on an odd day of the month while The Eldest 's birthday is conveniently on an even day . It also helped that there is a four year age difference between them so The Eldest was more patient about not going first . The days of choosing an ornament have long past for them . I 'm now the Keeper of the Tradition , if I remember to get the Advent tree out by the 1 . December . Only 19 days left until Christmas . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . I 've been baking bread again . The store bought bread just goes to waste , but if I bake bread , a loaf is gone in a day or two . I don 't mind . I enjoy baking bread . It 's a delicious hobby . I put the warm water , yeast , and sugar in the bowl and waited for the yeast to bloom . ( The yeast wakes up and gets all foamy ) . When I turned back to the bowl , the yeast had decided to add their own secret ingredient . A friend was saying she just saw the Hess truck commercial . She felt that the Christmas season had begun . For Himself and I , we used to wait for the Norelco Santa . Besides feeding the birds during the Winter , they also need drinking water . We found a black , dish basin which fits nicely on the stone bird bath . The basin has a rolled edge which will make a good perch . The basin is deeper than I wanted , but what we could find . The idea is that the black plastic will absorb some of the sunlight and retain some heat . Instead of a suggested tennis ball , I found a cute , rubber ducky to keep the water moving and to prevent the water from freezing solid . ( Hopefully ! ) I haven 't seen the birds perch on the basin to take a drink . Maybe they 're getting their water from other sources . They don 't seem to mind the ducky as they fly to the feeder . The herd of turkey hens that showed up this afternoon wasn 't bothered by the ducky , either . 1 . Our Thanksgiving was a day late because The Eldest had to work the holiday . Just as we sat down to dinner , Himself noticed the cardinal pair at the bird feeder . I haven 't seen the pair since early Fall . So just Ma and Dad dropping by for the festivities . 3 . Parked the cars over at Prissy 's under the trees just off her semi - circular drivewa so the septic truck would be able to back into the driveway for the annual pump out . While waiting , I noticed a car in Prissy 's driveway and a man taking pictures of the tags on the cars . I ran across the street to let him know the cars were temporarily parked there . Turns out , the man ( who lives down the road apiece ) was the father of the new neighbor . I knew Gruff , Jr . had said they had found someone to buy the house . The Dad was very nice about the cars . and came to check on the progress of the house . Walls were being painted and minor repairs taken care of . Papers for the house would be passed at the end of the week . Don 't know when his daughter and family will move in . He said the floors have to be refinished and the kitchen remodelled . Most likely , we 'll have new neighbors after the holidays . 4 . Enjoyed Elizabeth 's and Bleubeard 's T Stands for meme . Fun idea . Just include a beverage in your Tuesday post and add your link on Elizabeth 's page . Met a lot of new people and saw amazing journal pages , crafts and artwork To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : This was 1933 the year Charlie Arnold [ ed : mentor ] came into my life in the summer of that year . [ ed : Dad was 14 years old ] Evidently the Board Members of the Central Square Center and funded by the Hynes fund had clout . They opened the playground . For years summers every summer the school yards were closed . And also at the end of the school day , holidays , etc . They were closed . Of course , that did not prevent us from climbing the fences and getting in . We also had to watch for the police . They had keys made for them and they could get into the school and then open the door into the schoolyard . We played in the Jr . high school yard [ ed : Donald McKay School ] The play yard was large and we played not too far from the 8 foot fence . When the look out hollered , " Guinea Walligi " [ ed : derogatory term for police officer ] , we scrambled to the fence . We had to do that the first part two feet above the ground , the 2nd movement on the cross bar 4 feet above the ground , 3rd 2 feet up = 6 ft . and the last effort 2 ft more on the 8 foot cross bar , hang on the other side and drwop down and off we would go . Sometimes the Guinea Walligi would chase us on the street we would run into the building , up the the 3rd floor to the roof and then jump from roof top to roof top and elude the officer . [ ed : the houses were so close together neighbors in different houses could pass sugar through a window ] . We were always on the look out for him . Of course , we told our friends to make sure that the roof doors were open . If they failed us and we got caught , they would be mud . At the time we also had the school build by the church [ ed : Our Lady of Mont Carmel School ] When it was due to open we climbed the blocks to the second floor window . They were indented about the length of the finger tip . I tried it . I got to the top but on the way down the feet and fingers were slippery due to the silicon and I fell to the ground . As I went down I hit the side of the water pipe and when I landed I noticed by right leg trouser was torn and so wasn 't the sie of my leg on the knee side . As usual I walked to the Relief Station and I got put on the table while the police on duty held me down and the interns and nurses while the octor stitched me up . No ether , no putting to sleep . I did not let a sound come out of me . I said to myself I 'm not going to holler . Took 5 stitches . The police officer must have been surprised , probably spent a lot of time there and heard many a boy or man cry out . Doctor said , " Ok , you can go now , " and I got off the table and walked out . The officer had a " that kid is one hell of a tough guy . Imagine not a peep out of him and going like nothing happened . I got trained to not to hurt . My teachers used the rattan when ever we kids acted up . My ninth grade principal , Miss Sullivan , who much later became Superintendent of the Boston school system . In my French class , I had a teacher who was cute , had a good sense of humor and if we acted up she would kick us out of the classroom . One such day I ran into Miss Sullivan in the hallway and she asked , " What are you doing out of class ? " I told her and she took me into the classroom Told Miss Livone that she would have to witness discipline after class . So I put my hand out , Sully went to work . It was spring at that time and I had been playing baseball catch and both hands were toughened by the catching [ ed : he didn 't have a baseball glove ] No reaction . No pulling back . Sully was frustrated and she got a work out . For Thanksgiving dinner , I set the table with the fine china and Ma 's sterling silver . It seems silly to have these beautiful pieces living behind glass doors waiting for a special occasion that never seems to come . Thus , it seemed like the perfect opportunity for the annual cleaning of the china hutch after the festivities were over . I actually joked that we should just paint around the hutch like the previous owner did when we moved in . The dining room / living room combo was painted a beige color . The only room that had been painted that didn 't have a dozen different layers of wallpaper peeking through . We originally saw the house with the previous owner 's hutch in place . When we stepped foot in the house , besides finding trash left all over the place , there was a giant turquoise rectangle where the hutch had been . Because of Himself 's bad knees , I got the job of painting the baseboard . The paint chosen was Benjamin Moore Ice Mist with an eggshell finish . My parents always used Benjamin Moore paint so that is what we use , too . The paint glides on and covers well with one coat . The downside of painting walls are the paint fumes . A few years ago , Moore came out with a low odor line of their paint called Natura . That is what we tried this time around . Same great texture and coverage and no nasty smell . I also got to wash brush , roller , and the roller tray lining . That was a quick and easy clean up compared to washing the china and crystal by hand . ( Though to be honest , Himself had offered to help dry the dishes , but it was easier for me to wash , dry , and arrange without giving instruction . ) Besides , Himself wanted to watch the Patriots ' game and deserved to watch it in peace . It 's hard to tell in the bad lighting , but the new color is a huge improvement over the color on the wall which I 've called White Trash . The last time the inside of the house was painted was 2001 . The outside of the house needs to be painted , too . Shhh , don 't tell Himself , but that 's the project for his Summer break in August . After visiting the cemetery , we stopped for an early dinner at Michael 's Pasta in the Pan , a small , family - owned restaurant in Agawam , Massachusetts . The restaurant is a favorite stop for us . The food is good , generous portions and served in a skillet for a fun table service . After dinner , Himself had suggested taking in Bright Nights at Forest Park in nearby Springfield . Bright Nights is a seasonal lighting display . The last time we had visited was in 2007 when the Eldest was a freshman at a nearby college . The attraction is very popular especially as it gets closer to the holiday . The police have the route to the park well marked , but be paitent . Your patience will be rewarded with the charming displays . Some of them even have motion like the frog jumping into the pond , elves tossing packages into Santa 's sleigh , and a snowball fight . |
Leave a reply THE TEACHER - PART 2 She held my hand as I drove down the main street . Her mahogany brown eyes shifted to a light brown color as the sunlight shone into her face through the passenger side window . " Seriously baby , " she flicked her hands through her hair as she stared curiously into the visor 's mirror . " Do you like it ? I think she cut it waay too short . I mean , look at it . " She pouted , " see , I knew it ! Ugh ! " Her arms folded over her chest like a napkin as she poked her bottom lip out . Her pulchritude was unmatched , even in her childish display . " Turn around ! We are going back ! " I stifled my laugh as she sat in her seat . Her eyes narrowed in my direction . I couldn 't keep up the charade any longer as I blurted out a sea of laughter like waves crashing into the shore . " Baby , you know I am only kidding . Your hair is lovely , sweetheart . I like the short haircut . You 've got like … " I quickly looked in her direction , then refocused on the road , " a Halle Berry type thing going on . And you know how much I love Halle . " " Baby , " I said , smiling as I reached for her hand , " if Halle were on the side of the road right now , I wouldn 't stop for one second . " She pushed her lips to the side of her mouth as if to show that she didn 't believe me . " Alright . Maybe I would ask what was wrong , but that 's it . " I looked in the rearview mirror . My son sat in his toddler seat as he flew a toy airplane through the air , blowing his lips to mimic the sound of a jet engine . " Jr , who are we picking ? Mommy or Halle ? " " Mommy ! " he shouted forth with a snaggle - toothed smile . His mother 's feminine features dominated his young , bright face . With each blink , long eyelashes fluttered like butterfly wings on the edge of his eyelids . A tiny cluster of beauty marks gathered together on his right cheek , and the natural arch of his brows looked as though they were professionally done . The only features he received from me was my broad , flat nose and full lips . He had my attitude wrapped up in the softness of his mother 's countenance ; and for that , he would know how to get away with murder . " You know what ? " I wrestled the phone out of my pocket , " that 's it . I 'm going to snap a picture of you right now and - " She laughed as I pulled my phone out and aimed it in her direction . " Baby , keep your eyes on the road ! You are going to wreck ! " She lightheartedly pushed my phone away from her . I glanced out the windshield . " Baby , there is not a car anywhere near us , and besides , I have eyes all over my head . Now , let me take this picture so I can post it on Facebook and let everyone else be the judge between you and Halle . " " No ! Listen , I 'll take your word for it ! I won ! I look better than Halle , ok ? No pictures needed . Now , would you please keep your eye on the road ? Please ? " I winked at her , then slid my phone in the compartment between the two front seats . " Alright . As long as I got my point across . " We eased to a stop at a red light . She grabbed my hand and leaned across my seat . Moments later , I felt her lips brush against my flesh like a soft spring breeze . " I love you , Mr . Jones . " The light just beyond us flickered from red to green . I glanced at Junior in the backseat . His airplane flew high in his right hand while he grabbed another fighter jet with the other . " Baby , " my wife said as I slid my foot onto the gas . Her hand moved to her belly at the same time , patiently , as if time was controlled by her motion . " I think I am pregnant . " I chuckled as our car inched into the intersection slowly like we were pulling a ton of bricks behind us . " Well , " I looked in her direction . Just beyond her window , an SUV headed straight for us like a flaming dart from the pit of hell . My eyes widened as if I was trying to see the whole world at once . My words caught in my throat like a piece of meat going down the windpipe . I reached for her arm , knowing that I had to pull her away from the point of contact . " My God ! " I woke up in sweltering , pitch - black darkness . Sweat mingled blood dripped from my brow as my chin brushed against the top of my chest . My hands were tied behind my back , and I could feel the wires slicing through my wrists . My body weight shifted the position of the uneven chair I sat in . " Rise and shine . " His voice was deep and fragile as the heart of man . His wooden cane knocked against the concrete floor as he stepped closer to me . " Take that off his head . " Moments later , one of his soldiers removed the dark hood from over my skull . I squinted my eyes as the high voltage light bulbs lit the room a fluorescent white as if I was on the outskirts of heaven . But I knew this was nothing like heaven and every bit like hell . On the ground to the right , blood splatter decorated the concrete like exploded paintballs . Various soldiers lined the walls , dressed in fatigues with their fingers sitting on triggers of automatic rifles aimed directly at me . Black masks covered their faces as if they were scared to show me who they were . Suddenly , a cold , hard fist smashed into my cheek with the weight of a bag of bricks . Two more shots connected to my jaw in rapid succession . The contact shot my face to the left and sent a spring of blood bubbling in my mouth like a fountain . I spat out a thick glob of blood - soaked saliva . It dripped slowly from my mouth like a molasses chain watch before it burst onto the cement . I used my tongue to taste the residue . It let me know that I was still alive . " So , here we are . This is what happens to degenerate leaders , Mr . Isaiah Jones ? " The man with the wooden cane planted himself in a silver folding chair that was positioned right in front of me . With my head down , I slowly lifted my eyes towards him . I spoke with every bit of resilience that I possessed . I had been in situations like this before , and there wasn 't a time that I hadn 't made it out . " Where is Seven ? " " Seven ? " He laughed . " He wants to know where Seven is at . His precious protégé . The one that would rather die with you than fight with us . " He clapped his hands once . " Look up , " he said , smacking my thigh with his cane . I gradually shifted my attention to the right . The bright light beamed down onto me like I was center stage . I waited a few moments until my eyes adjusted . A thick glass window showed the inside of the adjacent room . I squinted my eyes to get a better look . I saw the faint image of a body swaying back and forth like strange fruit from a pole . My cheekbones gyrated inside of my mouth . My fist tightened like knots . " Seven ? " he laughed . " Yeah , we had to teach that boy a lesson . Turns out , he wasn 't as much of a killer as you expected . " He leaned closer towards me . The scent of Cuban cigars nicked at my muzzle . " Guess you didn 't train him as good as you thought . " His face was hard and cold like brick walls in the winter time . I could tell he wanted to cry , but his soul had his tears frozen in their ducts . A thick , luminous ray of moonlight shot through the window and highlighted the faint scar that ran from the bottom of his eye to the corner of his lips . It protruded just above his skin like a caterpillar crawling along a tree branch . My mind drifted away as it transfigured my younger face onto his body . He had too much of his life ahead of him . We sat on the couch ; our knees brushed against each other like a paintbrush on a canvas . His passionate gaze burned like a fiery meteor leaving a dragon tail across the night sky on its way to annihilate the earth . His jawbones gyrated inside of his mouth like factory gears , displaying traits of the machine I trained him to be . His fingers interlocked patiently , forming a semi - circle on his lap . " You know you can leave , " I said , piercing through the silence between us . My suggestion seemed to inflame him even more . " I 'm not going anywhere . " I made a trap door beneath the couch in the living room . It led through a burrowed tunnel , three miles east of my home amid tall , forest trees . It would spit him out on the edge of Lake Tiache ' where he could hop into a speedboat and get away undetected as if he was never with me . But he was stubborn . He was my best soldier , and he said that he would go to the grave with me if it were necessary . It was the type of loyalty that Jesus didn 't see in the hours before his arrest . I exhaled . The wind left my lungs with a thick sense of anticipation just as tiny flickers of light blinked outside like a swarm of fireflies . Their black foot helicopter was silent , but I still knew it was just miles away . Leaves crunched as men scurried around the sides of my house . I had trained myself for times like this . I could hear the slightest shift in the movement outside if I sat in complete silence , and right now , I was clothed in it . They were trained better than that , I thought to myself . It had to be their nervousness . There wasn 't a man coming for me that I hadn 't taught how to kill . Flawlessly . I fixed my eyes on the young man beside me ; his nostrils flared like tiny umbrellas . His eyes widened like dinner plates as he tilted his brow forward as if it was weighted down . His interlocked hands slowly released and formed boulder - like fists at the end of his arms . His veins puffed up in his forearms as if he had just taken a shot of heroin . Adrenaline worked the same . " Everything is going to be fine , " I said as we waited in silence . " Just don 't breathe the air . " He didn 't respond . Out of all my soldiers , he was the one who stayed glued to me like a disciple . It wasn 't long that I realized he had slid me into the place that his father had never touched . There was a bond between us , and although we never spoke the words , love flowed through us like rivers of forgiveness . " I will kill them all , " he said in a voice that would have shaken the smile from a stone - faced statue . His passion soaked words marched around the house like Goliaths in full armor . I could 've run . All of this could 've been avoided , but I was tired of running just to escape , only to have to run again . I was tired of fighting , using my self - control to strike the men I trained , but not kill them . If I wanted to , I could have ended their lives . Every one of them that came for me . Specs of dust fluttered along the moon 's glow , leading to a picture of my wife . Her buoyant smile is what kept me afloat during the times I was too tired to pick myself up off the ground . I couldn 't wait to hold her again , but I knew there was too much work left undone for me to meet her . My five - year - old son sat beside her . His snaggle - toothed smile was the most beautiful blemish I 'd ever seen . Fifteen years had passed since the accident , and the surgical scar on my chest was the painful reminder of the day I found out they were both gone . The lone picture in the front room was all I had left of them . The memories locked inside of my mind kept me from needing tangible reminders of how much they meant to me . The footsteps outside moved in closer . Shadows scurried past the windows like demons as the propellers sliced through the wind like a hot knife through butter . I heard it all . Every last thing . The sounds on the roof proved that these troops lacked discipline . Their anxiety got the best of them . The meekness of my heart allowed me to remove all the traps and triggers that would have ripped the first string of men into pieces . His dark skin shone from his body like an oil - polluted African river full of blood diamonds . I wanted to temper his aggression , but there was no need . He knew that he could attack , but he could not kill . Not them . Not his brothers . " Are you ready ? " I asked while the men outside took their positions . " They are coming in . " Leave a reply I sat near the back of the library with my headphones on , writing verses to a spoken word piece . I gripped my ink pen as the words bubbled inside of my mind and exploded onto the paper like tiny bursts of magnetic energy . I flowed until I hit a writer 's block . It forced me to relax my pen and lean my chair backward , balancing my weight on the two hind legs . Just outside , there was a cluster of birds perched on the branch of a tree . I removed my headphones and squinted at them as they fluttered their wings . I imagined that they were in a deep conversation with each other , talking about the next place they were all going to arrive . I thought it was amazing how animals could communicate non - verbally and at times , without saying anything at all but yet still be in sync with each other . The silence of the library was loud enough to interrupt thoughts , but I liked it that way . It was how I escaped the frustrations that plagued my life . Solitude was the only medicine for me at times like this . Just then , I heard someone clear their throat behind me . I leaned forward in my chair ; the front legs came crashing down onto the carpeted floor . The noise I heard was soft like Q - Tip edges dancing into my ears . I smiled . I didn 't expect to see her there , but a part of me was happy that she showed up . She was a figment of my imagination for the past year and the only times she felt real to me were the times that I saw her with my eyes closed . She stood in front of me , cradling two books in her hand . I could only see the one on top ; " The Invisible Man " by Ralph Ellison . I had just begun reading the same novel just a few days ago . During the time we dated , she was always reading different books and honestly , if it wasn 't for her , I don 't think I would have ever picked up a book outside of the Bible . We were a couple for half of the time we were enrolled at the same College , but now , she was a distant lover who had never been closer to my heart . I fixed my mouth to utter my thoughts , but she slid her finger into the middle of her lips , urging me to keep them to myself . She took a seat next to me and glanced at my phone to see what music I was playing . She winked and grabbed one of my earbuds and slid it into her ears as she flipped open one of her books to the page she had marked . Silently , she began reading , bobbing her head to Nas as he asked us , " whose world is this ? " She glanced at me , then shifted her vision towards my paper , prompting me to pick up my pen and get to writing and with that , I followed suit . The ink pen effortlessly stroked the lines of paper like a paintbrush , seamlessly picking up where I left off . She slid her hand on top of mine as her eyes moved peacefully back and forth across the page of her book . She told me everything I needed to hear and never once moved her lips to say it . Leave a reply Bumpy and Hush had been close friends since High School . They were sort of outcasts to the rest of the school because of their appearance , so they gradually transitioned into loners . Bumpy got his name because of the inexorable amount of acne that was plastered on both of his cheeks and his forehead . It was a bizarre sight to look at , and you were bound to lose your appetite if he sat near you at the lunch table . Hush was a step up from him appearance wise , though . He had Alopecia Areata , and because of that , he wasn 't able to grow any facial hair . The spot where his eyebrows were meant to be were completely bald , and he didn 't have an ounce of hair above his lip like most of the other boys in our grade . But that wasn 't it ; the reason everybody called him , " Hush , " was because he wasn 't able to bring his voice above a whisper . Nobody why he spoke with such a low volume and as far as we could tell , it wasn 't due to another medical condition . It was just that he hated talking too loud . I watched them from a distance , and they always kept to themselves and accepted the fact that they were outcasts . In my opinion , between the two of them , Bumpy had the hardest time with it . He was much more of an extrovert than his counterpart , but Hush ? He had no complaints about it at all . It fit his demeanor entirely . Quiet . Sneaky . Always thinking . I would 've given a week 's worth of lunch food to know what was going through his mind , but by the way he looked at everyone , it didn 't seem like it was anything that could 've been spoken out loud . His glare , the way his cheekbones gyrated whenever somebody disrespected him . He just had an eerie vibe about him ; a reclusive personality mixed with a short temper and that was never a good combination . It was blatantly clear that he was headed for a life of crime . Sometimes , that life has a way of choosing you , no matter what your will is . I glanced down at the murder scene ; one man was beaten senseless to the point that he was hardly recognizable . His face was smashed in and bloodied ; cheekbones were broken as well as every other bone that would have kept his countenance in place . His fingers were chopped off , making it much more challenging to identify the victim . This was all at the hands of Hush , and I knew it , even though there was no evidence pointing to him , I knew his calling card . Once he wanted to get rid of you , his aim was to get rid of you and make it seem as if you never existed . That way , whenever we were fortunate enough to find a body , there was nearly no way to identify who he was for sure . He even went as far as knocking each and every last one of his victim 's teeth out to keep us from checking it against dental records . I took a puff of my cigarette and blew the smoke into the night air . It fluttered around us like a cloud before it disappeared , " Yeah . No doubt about it . " " Sheesh . This is the third body we have found like this in the past two weeks . I 'll tell you what , we better find something here , or else , heads in the department will start rolling . After that , it will be better if one of us are one of these dead men that are popping up around the city . " He tapped me on my shoulder and then stood up to walk back towards the other police officers . I blew another cloud of smoke into the air as I looked up to the sky . Damnit , Hush - I said to myself - what are you up to now ? Leave a reply " No , man ! I am telling you right now that these youth are runnin ' roun ' here don 't know how to act ! They walk around with … with their pants hangin halfway down their behinds , showing off their underwear and all that , then wonder why the police are always harrassin ' them and whatnot . They don 't have no respect ! " " Yeah , that sho ' is right , " his friend chimed in as their car approached a yellow light . " They are so brainwashed by that old music and everything else that they don 't even know it . They do whatever the music says . They do whatever those old , no - good videos tell them . Sellin ' drugs and um , disrespectin ' women and everything . It is a cryin ' shame the way they can 't think for themselves . " " You sho ' is right , Hank , " the driver said as he slid his foot onto the break , " It 's like . They can 't think for themselves . They are mindless robots , and it is a crying shame that this is what we have come to as a people . " It was nearly two o ' clock in the morning , without another car in sight as their vehicle slowed to a stop when the light turned red . The three men inside the car were all in their mid - fifties . Grey hairs coated their beards like silver wires as they reflected on how dumb and brainwashed this generation was , while they waited for a green light to tell them when to go . His mother took a seat in the front room , oblivious to the fact that her son was yelling for her attention . She wiped a tear from her eye and glanced at his picture as he laughed and walked into the room . " Mama , why are you ignoring me ? Are you mad that I broke curfew again last night ? Alright , I 'm sorry . It won 't happen again . " He sat down next to her but still , she didn 't say a word . She rocked back and forth on the edge of the couch , holding her arms as if she was freezing but the temperature was calm . A faint breeze blew through the front room window that was halfway open , causing the curtains to flutter as if they were waving goodbye . The front door opened suddenly as her husband walked through somberly . " Pop , " his son said as he stood up , " Can you talk to Mom ? She is really mad at me right now , and she hasn 't said a word since I came in here . " His father ignored him on his way towards his wife as he placed his phone on the table and put his arm around her while she cried on his shoulder . " It 's going to be alright , sweetheart . We will make it through . " Their son 's eyebrows wrinkled together like an accordion as he watched their interaction . His mother spoke , " Honey , I just … I just can 't believe this happened . He wasn 't the type to resist anything , and we didn 't raise him that way ! Why are they saying these things about our boy ! " " I know , baby , I know . We can 't listen to that right now . It won 't do anything but make us angrier , ok ? Don 't watch the news , don 't read the paper , don 't go on the internet . We have to keep our minds clear right now . " Their son didn 't understand why he was being ignored until he looked at his father 's cell phone screen . He could hardly breathe when he saw his picture and read what was on its face , " RIP , my only son . Wesley Armon Jones . " Suddenly , everything went dark as his mind slowly pieced together what happened on his way home from a party with his friends last night . The last thing he saw was an officer with his gun aimed directly at him as he yelled , " My hands are up , officer ! They are up ! " She let out a scream that would 've shaken the graves of those who passed away . It was her first child , and she didn 't know what to expect . When the doctor came in with a needle the size of her finger , she waved it off , " You have to stick that in my back ? No , I 'll pass . " The epidural would 've saved her from a multitude of pain , but she wasn 't privy to it . As a matter of fact , she rarely saw the doctor throughout the pregnancy so it was a tossup as to whether or not the child would be born without any difficulties . Her mother passed away when she was five , and it left her father to raise her on his own . At the time , he was twenty - three , and he was so caught up in his own life that he didn 't make time for her . Luckily , she had a grandmother who was older but still willing to take custody of Monica to keep her from going into the foster care system . She had seen first - hand the effects that could have on a child , so she did what she had to do . Her name was Janice Carter , and she was her father 's mother , but Monica only knew her as Mama . In the hospital room , the nurse stood beside her and held her hand as she used a towel to wipe the sweat from her forehead . " You 're doing great , Monica . Just keep going . " She coached her from the side and as a two - time mother herself , she knew the pain the Monica was going through and did her best to ease it all . Trey , the child 's father , stormed out in an unbelievable rage the day he found out Monica was pregnant . The scene wasn 't how she expected it to go at all . She walked to the couch as he sat , watching Sunday football with a burger in his hand that she just prepared for him . They were both nineteen years old , and Janice passed away two years before , but she left her the house that she paid for before she died . Janice was living in a three bedroom house with no mortgage , and the only thing she had to pay for was the monthly bills , something she could manage as a cashier in a department store . " Do you like the burger ? " Trey didn 't turn to look at her when he answered , " Yeah , it 's straight . " The announcer on the television spoke up as the play just began . Monica reached into her pocket and pulled out two pictures to place them on the table . After a few moments , she realized that Trey wasn 't going to look at them from there , so she picked them up and set them on his lap . He stopped in mid - chew and glanced down at them , speaking will a full mouth . His voice was muffled , " What is this ? " She was nervous because she didn 't know how he would take it but she knew the truth had to come out eventually , " These are sonograms . We 're um ; we 're gonna have a baby . " She had been dating Trey for almost a year and even though it was off - and - on , it was still the most consistent relationship either of them had . Monica smiled at him as she waited for a response and suddenly , she got it . Trey smacked the small photos off his lap as they fluttered to the ground , " Pregnant ? ! Nah , I … I don 't know why you 're tellin ' me that . You know I pull out every time we don 't use a condom . " She exhaled , hoping that it didn 't go this way , but she knew it was a slim chance that it wouldn 't . She sat back on the couch as seclusion saturated her facial expression . He slammed the plate down on the table , nearly shattering it as the top bun of his burger flew onto the floor . " Nah , nah , I know that ain 't mine . You 've been cheatin on me , Monica , huh ? You 've been messin ' around with somebody else , and since they got you pregnant , you 're tryin to pass it off as mine ? " " Whatever , Monica ! You can tell me anything you want to ! Oh , I guess the dude I saw you at the grocery store with ain 't nobody , huh ? Go and tell him that you 're pregnant ! " " Whatever ! Look , I ain 't stayin ' here for this ! I ' ma let you go and find the real father of that baby and tell him the news because it ain 't mine ! " He looked down at the sonograms that laid spread out on the floor and when he reached down to grab one , he ripped it into pieces and flung them into the air like confetti . " And don 't call me until you get all this situated ! I 'm done ! For real ! " He stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind him , the vibration knocked pictures off the wall as Monica buried her head into the couch and cried out loud . It was an acute pain that she hadn 't felt before , the precise stabbing of small needles into her heart as she was on the verge of hyperventilating . Suddenly , she felt a cool and calm spirit around her . " It 's gonna be alright , Monica , " the voice said as she looked up with teary , reddened eyes . She calmed her breathing and sat up as she looked to the floor to grab the two pictures that were still intact . On the back of them , she wrote , " Monica and Trey 's baby , " and placed them on her table . The truth was the truth , no matter what Trey said . Inside the hospital , she pushed again but this time , the baby was fully out as the doctor suctioned the fluids out of his mouth and patted him on the back until his first cries came out . " There we are , theeere we are little boy , you 're fine , you 're fine , " the doctor said as he passed him to the nurses to they could quickly clean him up . Monica was out of breath and suddenly , the pain she had seconds ago seemed to all be worth it once she realized her baby boy had come out unharmed . " Can I … can I see him ? " she asked , still trying to recollect herself . " Of course ! They are just cleaning him and then they will bring him right to you . " They walked over with her baby boy and placed him in her arms as tears rolled down her face . The nurse that was by her side continued to coach her , " Just hold him close to your skin for a while so his body temperature can regulate . Yes , that 's it , right by your bosom . " Monica held him close and kissed him on the cheek as he relaxed , his eyes moving around aimlessly like he knew he was no longer in the comfort of the womb . " Do you have a name for him ? " the nurse asked as she admired them . " Yes . His name is Allen . Allen Travelle Taylor . " From that day , she always held him close to her and when Trey came to visit his son in the hospital , Monica rolled her eyes at him . He hadn 't contacted her at all for the entire length of the pregnancy , but Monica didn 't want her son to grow up without her father around , so for his sake , she told Trey what hospital she was in . When he came in , his hair had grown out and was on the verge of locking up . His pants sagged just below his waist , and he had all types of jewelry hanging from his neck and around his wrists . During the last nine months , Monica had gotten word that Trey started selling drugs to make extra money . He walked over to look at his baby boy , but honestly , he wasn 't interested in him , and he still hadn 't accepted the fact that he belonged to him . He stuck his finger inside the incubator and smiled at Allen , but quickly left his side and stood by Monica . He reached out for her hand , but she snatched it away , " What do you want , Trey ? I thought you were here to see the baby . " He smiled arrogantly , " Yeah , I did come for that , but I came for you , too . I miss you . I miss what we had . " She sucked her teeth , " Trey , get out of here with that , for real . You dissed me nine months ago and after all the morning sicknesses , the cravings , and everything else I had to go through BY MYSELF , you wanna come back around ? Nah , I 'm not goin ' there with you . There is your son . He is the only reason we will ever need to communicate with each other . " He reached out for her hand , His nostrils flared , the same look he had when she told him that she was pregnant and with that , he left the room without once looking at his son . Monica refused to let tears fall from her eyes over him as Allen moved around in his incubator . He deserved more than what Trey was going to give him , and Monica knew it but for now , she was only focused on raising her son to the best of her ability . The two of them yelled back and forth from the kitchen to the front room until Monica sighed and got up , " If I come in there and grab that ketchup , I promise I am going to pop you upside your head ! " She walked in as Allen stood with the ketchup in his hand and a broad grin on his face . He burst out laughing as soon as he saw her . Monica shot him a look of disgust before she charged at him . She was thirty - four years old , but she still looked as though she was in her mid - twenties and people had a hard time believing that she was the mother of a 15 - year - old boy . She still lived in her grandmother 's house , but now , she worked as a supervisor at a call center and made well over enough money to keep her and her son happy . Allen was a good kid for the most part , but she saw a lot of Trey in him . His temper , mainly , was what she worried about the most . He was always getting into fights at school and with children around the neighborhood . His father came close to laying hands on her when she was younger , but he never crossed the line . With Allen though , it didn 't seem that he had that kind of restraint when it came to other people . The two of them had an air - tight relationship and even though he didn 't have a father figure in his life , he still had a good grasp on what it was like to be a man . His teacher , Mr . Weston , did much to structure him as much as he could , and he recognized Allen as a bright student during the parent teacher conferences . " Allen is really a smart kid , Monica . He just gets mixed up with the wrong crowd a lot of times , you know ? Bad company corrupts good morals , so all of the good things you are teaching him at home sort of gets washed away when he comes around these group of kids . " That was what he said each time Allen had gotten into trouble at school , and he was on the verge of being kicked out of Madison High School if he kept up his behavior . Trey had only seen Allen twice in his lifetime , once at the hospital and then once again when Allen was five . Allen said that he had no memory of his father and even though Monica tried her best not to talk bad about Trey in front of his son , Allen still drew his own conclusion . He was a mirrored image of his father , same thick eyebrows and dark brown eyes . His hair kinked up the same way Trey 's did when he started growing it out , and Monica would shake her head at how much the two of them resembled . At times , it scared her because she felt that somehow , she had gone back in time and started life as a teenager all over again . Those thoughts only lasted for split seconds , though , and she hated when it happened . Trey continued to be a dope dealer since the day he left the hospital and for a while , he was making a lot of money . Monica would hear how he was driving new cars almost every other week and flashing pockets full of twenty dollar bills and tossing them up at the strip clubs like they were dollar bills . Ten years after Allen was born , Trey was robbed by a group of other men and the ended up shooting him in the legs . The doctors thought he would be paralyzed , but amazingly , he regained his ability to walk after extensive rehab sessions . He had a limp , but it was better than strolling along in a wheelchair . Back at the house , Allen was preparing to leave . " Aight Mama , I ' ma be back later on . " He grabbed his bag and headed to the door , When he got far enough away from the house , he looked inside of his bag to make sure he had everything . A black Glock 9 and a few bags of weed was what he needed for the trip he and Ricky were about to make . Ironically , he followed in the same footsteps of his father except he started at a much younger age . He was influenced by the wrong crowd , and when the music videos showed him what it was to be a man , he figured he needed to step into his place as well . He made it over to Ricky 's house , " What up , fam ? " They shook hands as Ricky spoke , They headed to the West side of town to make a drop . Allen knew that it would be dangerous because they were going on unknown territory but he wasn 't scared at all . In fact , Ricky was the one who was calm , and it was just because Allen was there . As they rode to the West Side , Allen glanced at his phone . " My Moms is calling , man . She is about to snap once she finds out where I 'm at . She probably called your mom first . " Ricky drove his car with one hand on the steering wheel , " Yeah . Don 't answer that , though . Just wait until we get back . " Allen slid his phone back in his pocket , and twenty minutes later , they arrived on the West Side of town . Both of them were unfamiliar with the area , but they knew where they needed to go . Little did Allen know , Trey lived on the same side of town , but Allen wouldn 't be able to pick him out of a lineup , let alone identify his relation to him . " Aight , you ready ? The house is right there , " Ricky said as they were parked on the street . " Aight , Let 's go . " They both got out of the car and headed towards the house as Trey walked down the sidewalk with a limp . He was still on edge since the time he had gotten shot and even though it was almost ten years ago , he never forgot the moment it happened . A group of young boys , close to the ages of Ricky and Allen , were the reason he had to walk with a limp . As they approached him , Allen put his hand near his waist . In unfamiliar territory , he always wanted to be ready to pull out if it came down to it . Trey tensed up as they inched towards each other 's path , " Whassup , little nigga ? " he said as he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to block their path , " Yall don 't belong over here . I can tell . What 's up ? " Allen glared at him , but before he responded , he realized that something was off about him . It was like he was looking in a mirror and watching an older version of himself right in front of him . Ricky spoke up , " We ain 't here to see you , so watch out . " Trey didn 't budge , and when Ricky shoved him back , Allen snapped out of his trance and pulled his gun out , " Look , we ain 't come here for all that . We just trying to see Snap , aight ? " In Trey 's mind , flashbacks of the fateful night he was shot twice by the group of boys began to replay in his mind . He looked down the dark barrel of the gun , oblivious to any detail of Allen that might have told him that they were related . It was all erased , and the only thing he could focus on was avoiding being gunned down again by a group of teens . As Allen pointed the gun at Trey , he froze again . He saw his own eyebrows , lips , nose and eyes on the face of this man in front of him . His eyebrows wrinkled up but to Trey , he sensed hesitation . He is not going to shoot me , he said in his mind . He had been living a street life for a while , and he knew when somebody was going to shoot and when they were bluffing . Allen wasn 't bluffing by any means , but seeing his features on another man bugged him out completely . Slowly , he began to wonder if the man standing in front of him was his father . Before he could react to his thoughts , Trey pulled the pistol from his waist and as Allen was on the verge of yelling for him to stop . Pow ! Pow ! Pow ! Trey emptied his clip into Allen as Ricky ran from the scene . Blood spilled from his body as he laid on the sidewalk , gasping for air . Trey stood over him and shook his head , " Not this time , little nigga . Not this time . " As Ricky sped off , Trey turned around and limped away from the scene of the murder . Allen laid there with his eyes wide open ; chest covered in blood as his gasps for air slowly ended . If you are not being a father to your son , you are killing your son . |
Leave a reply THE TEACHER - PART 2 She held my hand as I drove down the main street . Her mahogany brown eyes shifted to a light brown color as the sunlight shone into her face through the passenger side window . " Seriously baby , " she flicked her hands through her hair as she stared curiously into the visor 's mirror . " Do you like it ? I think she cut it waay too short . I mean , look at it . " She pouted , " see , I knew it ! Ugh ! " Her arms folded over her chest like a napkin as she poked her bottom lip out . Her pulchritude was unmatched , even in her childish display . " Turn around ! We are going back ! " I stifled my laugh as she sat in her seat . Her eyes narrowed in my direction . I couldn 't keep up the charade any longer as I blurted out a sea of laughter like waves crashing into the shore . " Baby , you know I am only kidding . Your hair is lovely , sweetheart . I like the short haircut . You 've got like … " I quickly looked in her direction , then refocused on the road , " a Halle Berry type thing going on . And you know how much I love Halle . " " Baby , " I said , smiling as I reached for her hand , " if Halle were on the side of the road right now , I wouldn 't stop for one second . " She pushed her lips to the side of her mouth as if to show that she didn 't believe me . " Alright . Maybe I would ask what was wrong , but that 's it . " I looked in the rearview mirror . My son sat in his toddler seat as he flew a toy airplane through the air , blowing his lips to mimic the sound of a jet engine . " Jr , who are we picking ? Mommy or Halle ? " " Mommy ! " he shouted forth with a snaggle - toothed smile . His mother 's feminine features dominated his young , bright face . With each blink , long eyelashes fluttered like butterfly wings on the edge of his eyelids . A tiny cluster of beauty marks gathered together on his right cheek , and the natural arch of his brows looked as though they were professionally done . The only features he received from me was my broad , flat nose and full lips . He had my attitude wrapped up in the softness of his mother 's countenance ; and for that , he would know how to get away with murder . " You know what ? " I wrestled the phone out of my pocket , " that 's it . I 'm going to snap a picture of you right now and - " She laughed as I pulled my phone out and aimed it in her direction . " Baby , keep your eyes on the road ! You are going to wreck ! " She lightheartedly pushed my phone away from her . I glanced out the windshield . " Baby , there is not a car anywhere near us , and besides , I have eyes all over my head . Now , let me take this picture so I can post it on Facebook and let everyone else be the judge between you and Halle . " " No ! Listen , I 'll take your word for it ! I won ! I look better than Halle , ok ? No pictures needed . Now , would you please keep your eye on the road ? Please ? " I winked at her , then slid my phone in the compartment between the two front seats . " Alright . As long as I got my point across . " We eased to a stop at a red light . She grabbed my hand and leaned across my seat . Moments later , I felt her lips brush against my flesh like a soft spring breeze . " I love you , Mr . Jones . " The light just beyond us flickered from red to green . I glanced at Junior in the backseat . His airplane flew high in his right hand while he grabbed another fighter jet with the other . " Baby , " my wife said as I slid my foot onto the gas . Her hand moved to her belly at the same time , patiently , as if time was controlled by her motion . " I think I am pregnant . " I chuckled as our car inched into the intersection slowly like we were pulling a ton of bricks behind us . " Well , " I looked in her direction . Just beyond her window , an SUV headed straight for us like a flaming dart from the pit of hell . My eyes widened as if I was trying to see the whole world at once . My words caught in my throat like a piece of meat going down the windpipe . I reached for her arm , knowing that I had to pull her away from the point of contact . " My God ! " I woke up in sweltering , pitch - black darkness . Sweat mingled blood dripped from my brow as my chin brushed against the top of my chest . My hands were tied behind my back , and I could feel the wires slicing through my wrists . My body weight shifted the position of the uneven chair I sat in . " Rise and shine . " His voice was deep and fragile as the heart of man . His wooden cane knocked against the concrete floor as he stepped closer to me . " Take that off his head . " Moments later , one of his soldiers removed the dark hood from over my skull . I squinted my eyes as the high voltage light bulbs lit the room a fluorescent white as if I was on the outskirts of heaven . But I knew this was nothing like heaven and every bit like hell . On the ground to the right , blood splatter decorated the concrete like exploded paintballs . Various soldiers lined the walls , dressed in fatigues with their fingers sitting on triggers of automatic rifles aimed directly at me . Black masks covered their faces as if they were scared to show me who they were . Suddenly , a cold , hard fist smashed into my cheek with the weight of a bag of bricks . Two more shots connected to my jaw in rapid succession . The contact shot my face to the left and sent a spring of blood bubbling in my mouth like a fountain . I spat out a thick glob of blood - soaked saliva . It dripped slowly from my mouth like a molasses chain watch before it burst onto the cement . I used my tongue to taste the residue . It let me know that I was still alive . " So , here we are . This is what happens to degenerate leaders , Mr . Isaiah Jones ? " The man with the wooden cane planted himself in a silver folding chair that was positioned right in front of me . With my head down , I slowly lifted my eyes towards him . I spoke with every bit of resilience that I possessed . I had been in situations like this before , and there wasn 't a time that I hadn 't made it out . " Where is Seven ? " " Seven ? " He laughed . " He wants to know where Seven is at . His precious protégé . The one that would rather die with you than fight with us . " He clapped his hands once . " Look up , " he said , smacking my thigh with his cane . I gradually shifted my attention to the right . The bright light beamed down onto me like I was center stage . I waited a few moments until my eyes adjusted . A thick glass window showed the inside of the adjacent room . I squinted my eyes to get a better look . I saw the faint image of a body swaying back and forth like strange fruit from a pole . My cheekbones gyrated inside of my mouth . My fist tightened like knots . " Seven ? " he laughed . " Yeah , we had to teach that boy a lesson . Turns out , he wasn 't as much of a killer as you expected . " He leaned closer towards me . The scent of Cuban cigars nicked at my muzzle . " Guess you didn 't train him as good as you thought . " His face was hard and cold like brick walls in the winter time . I could tell he wanted to cry , but his soul had his tears frozen in their ducts . A thick , luminous ray of moonlight shot through the window and highlighted the faint scar that ran from the bottom of his eye to the corner of his lips . It protruded just above his skin like a caterpillar crawling along a tree branch . My mind drifted away as it transfigured my younger face onto his body . He had too much of his life ahead of him . We sat on the couch ; our knees brushed against each other like a paintbrush on a canvas . His passionate gaze burned like a fiery meteor leaving a dragon tail across the night sky on its way to annihilate the earth . His jawbones gyrated inside of his mouth like factory gears , displaying traits of the machine I trained him to be . His fingers interlocked patiently , forming a semi - circle on his lap . " You know you can leave , " I said , piercing through the silence between us . My suggestion seemed to inflame him even more . " I 'm not going anywhere . " I made a trap door beneath the couch in the living room . It led through a burrowed tunnel , three miles east of my home amid tall , forest trees . It would spit him out on the edge of Lake Tiache ' where he could hop into a speedboat and get away undetected as if he was never with me . But he was stubborn . He was my best soldier , and he said that he would go to the grave with me if it were necessary . It was the type of loyalty that Jesus didn 't see in the hours before his arrest . I exhaled . The wind left my lungs with a thick sense of anticipation just as tiny flickers of light blinked outside like a swarm of fireflies . Their black foot helicopter was silent , but I still knew it was just miles away . Leaves crunched as men scurried around the sides of my house . I had trained myself for times like this . I could hear the slightest shift in the movement outside if I sat in complete silence , and right now , I was clothed in it . They were trained better than that , I thought to myself . It had to be their nervousness . There wasn 't a man coming for me that I hadn 't taught how to kill . Flawlessly . I fixed my eyes on the young man beside me ; his nostrils flared like tiny umbrellas . His eyes widened like dinner plates as he tilted his brow forward as if it was weighted down . His interlocked hands slowly released and formed boulder - like fists at the end of his arms . His veins puffed up in his forearms as if he had just taken a shot of heroin . Adrenaline worked the same . " Everything is going to be fine , " I said as we waited in silence . " Just don 't breathe the air . " He didn 't respond . Out of all my soldiers , he was the one who stayed glued to me like a disciple . It wasn 't long that I realized he had slid me into the place that his father had never touched . There was a bond between us , and although we never spoke the words , love flowed through us like rivers of forgiveness . " I will kill them all , " he said in a voice that would have shaken the smile from a stone - faced statue . His passion soaked words marched around the house like Goliaths in full armor . I could 've run . All of this could 've been avoided , but I was tired of running just to escape , only to have to run again . I was tired of fighting , using my self - control to strike the men I trained , but not kill them . If I wanted to , I could have ended their lives . Every one of them that came for me . Specs of dust fluttered along the moon 's glow , leading to a picture of my wife . Her buoyant smile is what kept me afloat during the times I was too tired to pick myself up off the ground . I couldn 't wait to hold her again , but I knew there was too much work left undone for me to meet her . My five - year - old son sat beside her . His snaggle - toothed smile was the most beautiful blemish I 'd ever seen . Fifteen years had passed since the accident , and the surgical scar on my chest was the painful reminder of the day I found out they were both gone . The lone picture in the front room was all I had left of them . The memories locked inside of my mind kept me from needing tangible reminders of how much they meant to me . The footsteps outside moved in closer . Shadows scurried past the windows like demons as the propellers sliced through the wind like a hot knife through butter . I heard it all . Every last thing . The sounds on the roof proved that these troops lacked discipline . Their anxiety got the best of them . The meekness of my heart allowed me to remove all the traps and triggers that would have ripped the first string of men into pieces . His dark skin shone from his body like an oil - polluted African river full of blood diamonds . I wanted to temper his aggression , but there was no need . He knew that he could attack , but he could not kill . Not them . Not his brothers . " Are you ready ? " I asked while the men outside took their positions . " They are coming in . " Leave a reply I sat near the back of the library with my headphones on , writing verses to a spoken word piece . I gripped my ink pen as the words bubbled inside of my mind and exploded onto the paper like tiny bursts of magnetic energy . I flowed until I hit a writer 's block . It forced me to relax my pen and lean my chair backward , balancing my weight on the two hind legs . Just outside , there was a cluster of birds perched on the branch of a tree . I removed my headphones and squinted at them as they fluttered their wings . I imagined that they were in a deep conversation with each other , talking about the next place they were all going to arrive . I thought it was amazing how animals could communicate non - verbally and at times , without saying anything at all but yet still be in sync with each other . The silence of the library was loud enough to interrupt thoughts , but I liked it that way . It was how I escaped the frustrations that plagued my life . Solitude was the only medicine for me at times like this . Just then , I heard someone clear their throat behind me . I leaned forward in my chair ; the front legs came crashing down onto the carpeted floor . The noise I heard was soft like Q - Tip edges dancing into my ears . I smiled . I didn 't expect to see her there , but a part of me was happy that she showed up . She was a figment of my imagination for the past year and the only times she felt real to me were the times that I saw her with my eyes closed . She stood in front of me , cradling two books in her hand . I could only see the one on top ; " The Invisible Man " by Ralph Ellison . I had just begun reading the same novel just a few days ago . During the time we dated , she was always reading different books and honestly , if it wasn 't for her , I don 't think I would have ever picked up a book outside of the Bible . We were a couple for half of the time we were enrolled at the same College , but now , she was a distant lover who had never been closer to my heart . I fixed my mouth to utter my thoughts , but she slid her finger into the middle of her lips , urging me to keep them to myself . She took a seat next to me and glanced at my phone to see what music I was playing . She winked and grabbed one of my earbuds and slid it into her ears as she flipped open one of her books to the page she had marked . Silently , she began reading , bobbing her head to Nas as he asked us , " whose world is this ? " She glanced at me , then shifted her vision towards my paper , prompting me to pick up my pen and get to writing and with that , I followed suit . The ink pen effortlessly stroked the lines of paper like a paintbrush , seamlessly picking up where I left off . She slid her hand on top of mine as her eyes moved peacefully back and forth across the page of her book . She told me everything I needed to hear and never once moved her lips to say it . Leave a reply Bumpy and Hush had been close friends since High School . They were sort of outcasts to the rest of the school because of their appearance , so they gradually transitioned into loners . Bumpy got his name because of the inexorable amount of acne that was plastered on both of his cheeks and his forehead . It was a bizarre sight to look at , and you were bound to lose your appetite if he sat near you at the lunch table . Hush was a step up from him appearance wise , though . He had Alopecia Areata , and because of that , he wasn 't able to grow any facial hair . The spot where his eyebrows were meant to be were completely bald , and he didn 't have an ounce of hair above his lip like most of the other boys in our grade . But that wasn 't it ; the reason everybody called him , " Hush , " was because he wasn 't able to bring his voice above a whisper . Nobody why he spoke with such a low volume and as far as we could tell , it wasn 't due to another medical condition . It was just that he hated talking too loud . I watched them from a distance , and they always kept to themselves and accepted the fact that they were outcasts . In my opinion , between the two of them , Bumpy had the hardest time with it . He was much more of an extrovert than his counterpart , but Hush ? He had no complaints about it at all . It fit his demeanor entirely . Quiet . Sneaky . Always thinking . I would 've given a week 's worth of lunch food to know what was going through his mind , but by the way he looked at everyone , it didn 't seem like it was anything that could 've been spoken out loud . His glare , the way his cheekbones gyrated whenever somebody disrespected him . He just had an eerie vibe about him ; a reclusive personality mixed with a short temper and that was never a good combination . It was blatantly clear that he was headed for a life of crime . Sometimes , that life has a way of choosing you , no matter what your will is . I glanced down at the murder scene ; one man was beaten senseless to the point that he was hardly recognizable . His face was smashed in and bloodied ; cheekbones were broken as well as every other bone that would have kept his countenance in place . His fingers were chopped off , making it much more challenging to identify the victim . This was all at the hands of Hush , and I knew it , even though there was no evidence pointing to him , I knew his calling card . Once he wanted to get rid of you , his aim was to get rid of you and make it seem as if you never existed . That way , whenever we were fortunate enough to find a body , there was nearly no way to identify who he was for sure . He even went as far as knocking each and every last one of his victim 's teeth out to keep us from checking it against dental records . I took a puff of my cigarette and blew the smoke into the night air . It fluttered around us like a cloud before it disappeared , " Yeah . No doubt about it . " " Sheesh . This is the third body we have found like this in the past two weeks . I 'll tell you what , we better find something here , or else , heads in the department will start rolling . After that , it will be better if one of us are one of these dead men that are popping up around the city . " He tapped me on my shoulder and then stood up to walk back towards the other police officers . I blew another cloud of smoke into the air as I looked up to the sky . Damnit , Hush - I said to myself - what are you up to now ? Leave a reply " No , man ! I am telling you right now that these youth are runnin ' roun ' here don 't know how to act ! They walk around with … with their pants hangin halfway down their behinds , showing off their underwear and all that , then wonder why the police are always harrassin ' them and whatnot . They don 't have no respect ! " " Yeah , that sho ' is right , " his friend chimed in as their car approached a yellow light . " They are so brainwashed by that old music and everything else that they don 't even know it . They do whatever the music says . They do whatever those old , no - good videos tell them . Sellin ' drugs and um , disrespectin ' women and everything . It is a cryin ' shame the way they can 't think for themselves . " " You sho ' is right , Hank , " the driver said as he slid his foot onto the break , " It 's like . They can 't think for themselves . They are mindless robots , and it is a crying shame that this is what we have come to as a people . " It was nearly two o ' clock in the morning , without another car in sight as their vehicle slowed to a stop when the light turned red . The three men inside the car were all in their mid - fifties . Grey hairs coated their beards like silver wires as they reflected on how dumb and brainwashed this generation was , while they waited for a green light to tell them when to go . His mother took a seat in the front room , oblivious to the fact that her son was yelling for her attention . She wiped a tear from her eye and glanced at his picture as he laughed and walked into the room . " Mama , why are you ignoring me ? Are you mad that I broke curfew again last night ? Alright , I 'm sorry . It won 't happen again . " He sat down next to her but still , she didn 't say a word . She rocked back and forth on the edge of the couch , holding her arms as if she was freezing but the temperature was calm . A faint breeze blew through the front room window that was halfway open , causing the curtains to flutter as if they were waving goodbye . The front door opened suddenly as her husband walked through somberly . " Pop , " his son said as he stood up , " Can you talk to Mom ? She is really mad at me right now , and she hasn 't said a word since I came in here . " His father ignored him on his way towards his wife as he placed his phone on the table and put his arm around her while she cried on his shoulder . " It 's going to be alright , sweetheart . We will make it through . " Their son 's eyebrows wrinkled together like an accordion as he watched their interaction . His mother spoke , " Honey , I just … I just can 't believe this happened . He wasn 't the type to resist anything , and we didn 't raise him that way ! Why are they saying these things about our boy ! " " I know , baby , I know . We can 't listen to that right now . It won 't do anything but make us angrier , ok ? Don 't watch the news , don 't read the paper , don 't go on the internet . We have to keep our minds clear right now . " Their son didn 't understand why he was being ignored until he looked at his father 's cell phone screen . He could hardly breathe when he saw his picture and read what was on its face , " RIP , my only son . Wesley Armon Jones . " Suddenly , everything went dark as his mind slowly pieced together what happened on his way home from a party with his friends last night . The last thing he saw was an officer with his gun aimed directly at him as he yelled , " My hands are up , officer ! They are up ! " She let out a scream that would 've shaken the graves of those who passed away . It was her first child , and she didn 't know what to expect . When the doctor came in with a needle the size of her finger , she waved it off , " You have to stick that in my back ? No , I 'll pass . " The epidural would 've saved her from a multitude of pain , but she wasn 't privy to it . As a matter of fact , she rarely saw the doctor throughout the pregnancy so it was a tossup as to whether or not the child would be born without any difficulties . Her mother passed away when she was five , and it left her father to raise her on his own . At the time , he was twenty - three , and he was so caught up in his own life that he didn 't make time for her . Luckily , she had a grandmother who was older but still willing to take custody of Monica to keep her from going into the foster care system . She had seen first - hand the effects that could have on a child , so she did what she had to do . Her name was Janice Carter , and she was her father 's mother , but Monica only knew her as Mama . In the hospital room , the nurse stood beside her and held her hand as she used a towel to wipe the sweat from her forehead . " You 're doing great , Monica . Just keep going . " She coached her from the side and as a two - time mother herself , she knew the pain the Monica was going through and did her best to ease it all . Trey , the child 's father , stormed out in an unbelievable rage the day he found out Monica was pregnant . The scene wasn 't how she expected it to go at all . She walked to the couch as he sat , watching Sunday football with a burger in his hand that she just prepared for him . They were both nineteen years old , and Janice passed away two years before , but she left her the house that she paid for before she died . Janice was living in a three bedroom house with no mortgage , and the only thing she had to pay for was the monthly bills , something she could manage as a cashier in a department store . " Do you like the burger ? " Trey didn 't turn to look at her when he answered , " Yeah , it 's straight . " The announcer on the television spoke up as the play just began . Monica reached into her pocket and pulled out two pictures to place them on the table . After a few moments , she realized that Trey wasn 't going to look at them from there , so she picked them up and set them on his lap . He stopped in mid - chew and glanced down at them , speaking will a full mouth . His voice was muffled , " What is this ? " She was nervous because she didn 't know how he would take it but she knew the truth had to come out eventually , " These are sonograms . We 're um ; we 're gonna have a baby . " She had been dating Trey for almost a year and even though it was off - and - on , it was still the most consistent relationship either of them had . Monica smiled at him as she waited for a response and suddenly , she got it . Trey smacked the small photos off his lap as they fluttered to the ground , " Pregnant ? ! Nah , I … I don 't know why you 're tellin ' me that . You know I pull out every time we don 't use a condom . " She exhaled , hoping that it didn 't go this way , but she knew it was a slim chance that it wouldn 't . She sat back on the couch as seclusion saturated her facial expression . He slammed the plate down on the table , nearly shattering it as the top bun of his burger flew onto the floor . " Nah , nah , I know that ain 't mine . You 've been cheatin on me , Monica , huh ? You 've been messin ' around with somebody else , and since they got you pregnant , you 're tryin to pass it off as mine ? " " Whatever , Monica ! You can tell me anything you want to ! Oh , I guess the dude I saw you at the grocery store with ain 't nobody , huh ? Go and tell him that you 're pregnant ! " " Whatever ! Look , I ain 't stayin ' here for this ! I ' ma let you go and find the real father of that baby and tell him the news because it ain 't mine ! " He looked down at the sonograms that laid spread out on the floor and when he reached down to grab one , he ripped it into pieces and flung them into the air like confetti . " And don 't call me until you get all this situated ! I 'm done ! For real ! " He stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind him , the vibration knocked pictures off the wall as Monica buried her head into the couch and cried out loud . It was an acute pain that she hadn 't felt before , the precise stabbing of small needles into her heart as she was on the verge of hyperventilating . Suddenly , she felt a cool and calm spirit around her . " It 's gonna be alright , Monica , " the voice said as she looked up with teary , reddened eyes . She calmed her breathing and sat up as she looked to the floor to grab the two pictures that were still intact . On the back of them , she wrote , " Monica and Trey 's baby , " and placed them on her table . The truth was the truth , no matter what Trey said . Inside the hospital , she pushed again but this time , the baby was fully out as the doctor suctioned the fluids out of his mouth and patted him on the back until his first cries came out . " There we are , theeere we are little boy , you 're fine , you 're fine , " the doctor said as he passed him to the nurses to they could quickly clean him up . Monica was out of breath and suddenly , the pain she had seconds ago seemed to all be worth it once she realized her baby boy had come out unharmed . " Can I … can I see him ? " she asked , still trying to recollect herself . " Of course ! They are just cleaning him and then they will bring him right to you . " They walked over with her baby boy and placed him in her arms as tears rolled down her face . The nurse that was by her side continued to coach her , " Just hold him close to your skin for a while so his body temperature can regulate . Yes , that 's it , right by your bosom . " Monica held him close and kissed him on the cheek as he relaxed , his eyes moving around aimlessly like he knew he was no longer in the comfort of the womb . " Do you have a name for him ? " the nurse asked as she admired them . " Yes . His name is Allen . Allen Travelle Taylor . " From that day , she always held him close to her and when Trey came to visit his son in the hospital , Monica rolled her eyes at him . He hadn 't contacted her at all for the entire length of the pregnancy , but Monica didn 't want her son to grow up without her father around , so for his sake , she told Trey what hospital she was in . When he came in , his hair had grown out and was on the verge of locking up . His pants sagged just below his waist , and he had all types of jewelry hanging from his neck and around his wrists . During the last nine months , Monica had gotten word that Trey started selling drugs to make extra money . He walked over to look at his baby boy , but honestly , he wasn 't interested in him , and he still hadn 't accepted the fact that he belonged to him . He stuck his finger inside the incubator and smiled at Allen , but quickly left his side and stood by Monica . He reached out for her hand , but she snatched it away , " What do you want , Trey ? I thought you were here to see the baby . " He smiled arrogantly , " Yeah , I did come for that , but I came for you , too . I miss you . I miss what we had . " She sucked her teeth , " Trey , get out of here with that , for real . You dissed me nine months ago and after all the morning sicknesses , the cravings , and everything else I had to go through BY MYSELF , you wanna come back around ? Nah , I 'm not goin ' there with you . There is your son . He is the only reason we will ever need to communicate with each other . " He reached out for her hand , His nostrils flared , the same look he had when she told him that she was pregnant and with that , he left the room without once looking at his son . Monica refused to let tears fall from her eyes over him as Allen moved around in his incubator . He deserved more than what Trey was going to give him , and Monica knew it but for now , she was only focused on raising her son to the best of her ability . The two of them yelled back and forth from the kitchen to the front room until Monica sighed and got up , " If I come in there and grab that ketchup , I promise I am going to pop you upside your head ! " She walked in as Allen stood with the ketchup in his hand and a broad grin on his face . He burst out laughing as soon as he saw her . Monica shot him a look of disgust before she charged at him . She was thirty - four years old , but she still looked as though she was in her mid - twenties and people had a hard time believing that she was the mother of a 15 - year - old boy . She still lived in her grandmother 's house , but now , she worked as a supervisor at a call center and made well over enough money to keep her and her son happy . Allen was a good kid for the most part , but she saw a lot of Trey in him . His temper , mainly , was what she worried about the most . He was always getting into fights at school and with children around the neighborhood . His father came close to laying hands on her when she was younger , but he never crossed the line . With Allen though , it didn 't seem that he had that kind of restraint when it came to other people . The two of them had an air - tight relationship and even though he didn 't have a father figure in his life , he still had a good grasp on what it was like to be a man . His teacher , Mr . Weston , did much to structure him as much as he could , and he recognized Allen as a bright student during the parent teacher conferences . " Allen is really a smart kid , Monica . He just gets mixed up with the wrong crowd a lot of times , you know ? Bad company corrupts good morals , so all of the good things you are teaching him at home sort of gets washed away when he comes around these group of kids . " That was what he said each time Allen had gotten into trouble at school , and he was on the verge of being kicked out of Madison High School if he kept up his behavior . Trey had only seen Allen twice in his lifetime , once at the hospital and then once again when Allen was five . Allen said that he had no memory of his father and even though Monica tried her best not to talk bad about Trey in front of his son , Allen still drew his own conclusion . He was a mirrored image of his father , same thick eyebrows and dark brown eyes . His hair kinked up the same way Trey 's did when he started growing it out , and Monica would shake her head at how much the two of them resembled . At times , it scared her because she felt that somehow , she had gone back in time and started life as a teenager all over again . Those thoughts only lasted for split seconds , though , and she hated when it happened . Trey continued to be a dope dealer since the day he left the hospital and for a while , he was making a lot of money . Monica would hear how he was driving new cars almost every other week and flashing pockets full of twenty dollar bills and tossing them up at the strip clubs like they were dollar bills . Ten years after Allen was born , Trey was robbed by a group of other men and the ended up shooting him in the legs . The doctors thought he would be paralyzed , but amazingly , he regained his ability to walk after extensive rehab sessions . He had a limp , but it was better than strolling along in a wheelchair . Back at the house , Allen was preparing to leave . " Aight Mama , I ' ma be back later on . " He grabbed his bag and headed to the door , When he got far enough away from the house , he looked inside of his bag to make sure he had everything . A black Glock 9 and a few bags of weed was what he needed for the trip he and Ricky were about to make . Ironically , he followed in the same footsteps of his father except he started at a much younger age . He was influenced by the wrong crowd , and when the music videos showed him what it was to be a man , he figured he needed to step into his place as well . He made it over to Ricky 's house , " What up , fam ? " They shook hands as Ricky spoke , They headed to the West side of town to make a drop . Allen knew that it would be dangerous because they were going on unknown territory but he wasn 't scared at all . In fact , Ricky was the one who was calm , and it was just because Allen was there . As they rode to the West Side , Allen glanced at his phone . " My Moms is calling , man . She is about to snap once she finds out where I 'm at . She probably called your mom first . " Ricky drove his car with one hand on the steering wheel , " Yeah . Don 't answer that , though . Just wait until we get back . " Allen slid his phone back in his pocket , and twenty minutes later , they arrived on the West Side of town . Both of them were unfamiliar with the area , but they knew where they needed to go . Little did Allen know , Trey lived on the same side of town , but Allen wouldn 't be able to pick him out of a lineup , let alone identify his relation to him . " Aight , you ready ? The house is right there , " Ricky said as they were parked on the street . " Aight , Let 's go . " They both got out of the car and headed towards the house as Trey walked down the sidewalk with a limp . He was still on edge since the time he had gotten shot and even though it was almost ten years ago , he never forgot the moment it happened . A group of young boys , close to the ages of Ricky and Allen , were the reason he had to walk with a limp . As they approached him , Allen put his hand near his waist . In unfamiliar territory , he always wanted to be ready to pull out if it came down to it . Trey tensed up as they inched towards each other 's path , " Whassup , little nigga ? " he said as he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to block their path , " Yall don 't belong over here . I can tell . What 's up ? " Allen glared at him , but before he responded , he realized that something was off about him . It was like he was looking in a mirror and watching an older version of himself right in front of him . Ricky spoke up , " We ain 't here to see you , so watch out . " Trey didn 't budge , and when Ricky shoved him back , Allen snapped out of his trance and pulled his gun out , " Look , we ain 't come here for all that . We just trying to see Snap , aight ? " In Trey 's mind , flashbacks of the fateful night he was shot twice by the group of boys began to replay in his mind . He looked down the dark barrel of the gun , oblivious to any detail of Allen that might have told him that they were related . It was all erased , and the only thing he could focus on was avoiding being gunned down again by a group of teens . As Allen pointed the gun at Trey , he froze again . He saw his own eyebrows , lips , nose and eyes on the face of this man in front of him . His eyebrows wrinkled up but to Trey , he sensed hesitation . He is not going to shoot me , he said in his mind . He had been living a street life for a while , and he knew when somebody was going to shoot and when they were bluffing . Allen wasn 't bluffing by any means , but seeing his features on another man bugged him out completely . Slowly , he began to wonder if the man standing in front of him was his father . Before he could react to his thoughts , Trey pulled the pistol from his waist and as Allen was on the verge of yelling for him to stop . Pow ! Pow ! Pow ! Trey emptied his clip into Allen as Ricky ran from the scene . Blood spilled from his body as he laid on the sidewalk , gasping for air . Trey stood over him and shook his head , " Not this time , little nigga . Not this time . " As Ricky sped off , Trey turned around and limped away from the scene of the murder . Allen laid there with his eyes wide open ; chest covered in blood as his gasps for air slowly ended . If you are not being a father to your son , you are killing your son . |
Inspire Sunbear Squad website readers to act by sharing reading animal rescue stories about real people in everyday situations . E - mail your animal rescue story in 250 words or less . We reserve the right to edit for conciseness and clarity . E - mail a link to a newspaper article about an animal rescue , too , if the article describes the actions of the rescuer . Rescuers must be involved with the rescue ; phone calls to authorities are not involved enough to ensure a story will be published on this page . I was visiting my 85 - year - old mother in the Phoenix , AZ area . We were driving west on I - 10 one late afternoon . Out of the corner of my eye I glimpsed what I thought was a white dog leaning against a cement noise barrier wall about 30 yards from the freeway . We could not stop as we were in rush hour traffic on an inner lane of the 6 lane freeway . We were surrounded on all sides by cars moving so fast that I was unable to exit for several more exits . We drove to a truck stop , purchased rope and chicken , and drove back to the area . The white dog was still there in the same position . I was concerned she was injured and I saw she was not wearing a collar . I did not want to approach her from the freeway side as I was concerned she would run . Fortunately I located a dirt access road that traced the top side of the wall . We parked there , and I got out and peered down over the side of the wall to establish her location as I wanted to be downwind from her . I knew the chance of her smelling me was greater than the chance of her hearing me due to the roar of the traffic . I made a noose out of the nylon rope and smeared chicken on it so it would smell like chicken , not me . I peeked over the side of the wall to see what she was doing , then dropped a piece of chicken near her . She ate it . I continued dropping pieces of chicken to distract her as I began lowering the noose down the side of the wall . I was concerned she would become startled and run into traffic if I didn 't capture her on the first try . I got the noose over her neck the first try ! She just looked up at me calmly . It was obvious her left rear leg was injured since it was dangling from her hip . Her rib cage and spine were protruding from her emaciated body . She had an open wound on her hip and a black tire mark on her forehead . I stood on top of the wall holding the rope with the dog attached , trying to decide my next step . This apparently was worrisome to a kind passerby , Janet , who thought I was going to pull the dog up the wall by her neck . She exited the freeway and made her way back to us , parking below the wall near the dog . I could hardly believe my good fortune . We discussed options for helping the dog - and then a policeman pulled in behind her car . He told us the dog would be euthanized if we took her to the county shelter as there would not be enough money in the budget to repair her leg . We could not bear the thought so we decided to save this dog ourselves . The policeman gently picked up the dog and carried her to Janet 's car . Fortunately she did not resist or try to bite the policeman . Janet agreed to foster the dog overnight so Mother and I followed her to her home to help set up an appropriate place . The dog settled right in and was very thirsty . We were concerned she was deaf because she was so quiet and acted as if she could not hear us . We later determined she was likely in shock . Since we obviously did not know the dog 's name , it was time to pick one . Janet chose " Angel " which seemed especially appropriate . The next morning I returned to Janet 's home for Angel . I took her to a veterinary clinic and first had her scanned for a microchip . She did not have one . The veterinarian took radiographs and determined Angel had a dislocated hip . I contacted orthopedic surgeon Dr . Steven Martinez , at Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine in Pullman , WA for an Arizona referral . He directed me to an excellent surgeon in Scottsdale , Dr . Stephen Gilson . I called him . I could hardly believe our good fortune that Dr . Gilson would be willing to perform surgery the next morning , a Sunday . He generously offered a discount even though I had not asked for one . The surgery would cost $ 2 , 000 to $ 2 , 500 . The next morning after I took her to Dr . Gilson 's clinic , I went to work on the rest of the " saving Angel " details . I conThis was going to be a big adventure for both of us . It turned out Angel was the perfect little traveler and a wonderful companion for a road trip . The weather was excellent , the roads were great and the scenery was beautiful . I did not eat meals in restaurants as I did not know if Angel would damage the car interior while unattended . I was also concerned about the possibility of dog theft and the warm temperatures outside . We met rescue friend Cheryl in Milton Freewater , OR , on our last night . Cheryl wanted to meet the freeway dog who she had been reading about on our " Saving Angel " group email exchanges . Cheryl brought cheese to make Angel 's pain medication more palatable ; I had run out . Angel and I finally made it home a couple of hours later , around midnight . The next day I drove another 75 miles to return the car to Spokane , WA . Much to my surprise , the on - site manager of National Car Rental , generously deducted 25 % off my bill . Rescue friend Bernice in Washington state had contacted the Spokane media prior to our arrival . We were interviewed by reporters from KXLY and KHQ television stations before returning to our home . Angel didn 't seem to mind all the fuss and attention . Angel has recovered nicely . Her gait is perfect . It turned out there was a little athlete inside that body . She can now run like the wind . She is a good girl , silly , sweet - natured and she obviously loves our other dogs and cats . She also accompanies me to work each day . I have looked into permanent homes for her but have not located the right one quite yet . It obviously took a village to make Angel 's rescue possible . My rescue friends and others previously unknown to me assisted and encouraged me every step along the way . Their support made all the difference in saving Angel . As far as my mother goes , this was not the first rescue mission she has accompanied me on , nor will it likely be the last . Note : Angel is alive today because of the Good Samaritan who rescued her at great personal cost and inconvenience . For her inspiring efforts , Carmel was awarded the Gene Fields Humane Award . Back to Top Christmas Rescue of a Lost Rescue Dog Are you ready for a sweet Christmas story about a little lost doggy ? We were walking our two dogs a few days ago and saw a little scared pup that looked like a Shitzu / Llasa Apso mix . He was limping , his hair was shaved , he had no collar . We scooped the little guy up and brought him home with us . We drove to Petco and Petsmart to ask if they recognized him . No one did . So we had him scanned to see if he was microchipped . He wasn 't . So we listed the little fella on Craigslist and a lost and found pup website also . No luck . We called around to a few vet clinics in our area . . . to no avail . So we took care of this little lost boy in our home for a few days . We named the little guy Buddy . He was so sweet . He stayed with us and my two little dogs who played and slept and ate along with him . He seemed to limp a little less as the days went by . We wondered how his life was before he met us . We wondered if he was limping because he may have been a caged dog used for breeding because he was not neutered . We wondered if he came from a loving home or an abusive home . We were getting worried after our fourth day of loving on the little guy . We decided to call a rescue group to see if they would take him in . We hoped they would have more ways and means of finding his owners . We were going to take him the next morning so I snuggled with him all night , knowing I may never see him again after we turned him over to rescue . Then the doorbell rang - it was eleven at night . It was our neighbor bringing us a lost puppy poster she found out on the community mailbox . It was for a little white doggy named Scooter . It was HIM ! I called the number on the poster and told them to please call me in the morning - I have their puppy . Well , this will make you cry . The person who lost this little dog was a groomer named Tricia B . and she was so excited to hear that I found him . She told me that she worked at an animal hospital as a groomer and that they had recently found him in a mud puddle and he had been hIt was Wednesday morning , December 21 , when I took him to the animal hospital to meet Tricia and the whole staff came out to greet us - they were so happy to see Scooter ! They immediately microchipped him right in front of us . Tricia told me that he will be neutered as soon as his heartworm treatment is done and that will keep Scooter from running away again . I am sad that he isn 't here with me and my two pups . I enjoyed him so much . I loved seeing him spin around in the morning to go out for his morning walk . I miss cuddling at night with him and I miss the way he looked at me as if to say " Thank you for keeping me safe and warm . " Then I think . . . he is back home for Christmas with Tricia . He is exactly where he should be . Scooter . . . I love you ! Merry Christmas ! ! ! It was a bitterly cold , somewhere around 15 degrees the day my sister Malissa agreed to help her friend move . It had snowed the night before and was snowing again when they arrived at her duplex . Malissa had gone through the sliding glass doors into the back yard to throw something into the trash can when she heard whining in the yard next door . By standing on the porch she could see over the six - foot wooden fence . She was horrified to see a puppy chained to a picnic table in the yard . The pup was so skinny you could count every rib and she was shivering fiercely . She asked her friend about the dog and was told not to worry about it , that it was out there all time and would be fine . My sister wasn 't just going to leave this pup to die and so after not getting a response by knocking on the neighbor 's door , she grabbed a blanket from her car and went through a gate into the backyard . She was going to leave the dog with the blanket and call the humane society , until she saw that the chain that attached the dog to the table was only two feet long and was heavily embedded into the little one 's neck ! Malissa disconnected the chain from the table and scooping the puppy into the blanket , hopped into the car and headed to our vet clinic . The pup was very weak and malnourished and had to be treated for hypothermia . The chain had to be cut out of her neck . She was put on antibiotics and pain meds . She was just two months old and was a gorgeous red and white pit bull terrier . Malissa brought her home to foster her . She was only a foster for a week before my family decided to make her a permanent addition and named her Ruckus . She is now 4 years old and gets along with everyone and everything including her best friend , a five - pound calico cat named Fiona ( see picture ) . You would never know that her life hasn 't always been filled with love , and the scars on her neck are the only reminder of her past . Rucus was Grand Champion in 4 - H Rally this year with our youngest sister . Now Ruckus works with physically and mentally disabled children as a therapy dog ! Without that split - second decision that my sister made to save her life , the children and families who love Ruckus would never have known how great rescued dogs are . The special moments where she has been laying on the ground surrounded by happy laughing kids would have never happened . Our lives are truly happier and fuller because of her and she is a true ambassador for her breed . On the way home from busy Saturday activities , I set down my Kung Pao Chicken doggie bag on a bench in the bus shelter ( enclosed on 3 sides ) and was about to sit down when , whee - from the little " park " behind the bus shelter , out came a kitty from under a bush - he put his paws up on the partition but could not get to the bag - My reaction was " Where the H * * * did YOU come from ! ? ? ) ! " And I immediately got up and walked carefully toward him . The people at the bus stop were wondering what the heck was going on . Thank God no one interfered . I grabbed all my stuff and went around the bus shelter to him , got out my Sidewalk Rescue kit and opened the bag of Pounces to lure him away from the street ( and my chicken ) . I called two Trap - Neuter - Return / rescue friends - no answer - left messages - no one called back so I had to call the shelter . He was WAY too close to a 4 - lane VERY busy street and there was no way I was going to leave him there . I could not pick him up - very skittish . I was determined to stay until it got dark , and if he had not been rescued by then I would have had to leave with a VERY heavy heart . However , the animal control officer called back saying " Well , we are not required by law to pick up any free - roaming cats , BUT I 'll come over and take a look at the situation . " We sort of chased the kitty - him with a big black net and me trying to to get the kitty to move towards the net . Nothing but street theatre came of it . The officer told me " You know , if he is feral , we may have to put him down if he is not adoptable ! " I said " There is no way I can leave him here and none of my contacts have called me back . Give me the phone number of your Trap - Neuter - Return coordinator at the shelter and I 'll fill her in . " The animal control officer then decided to trap the kitty , since he too would not have been able to sleep knowing the this cat was so close to danger . So , he set a raccoon trap ( slightly bigger than a feral trap and with a wider gap that he could have squeezed out of ) with a can of Fancy Feast inside and we waited over an hour - I was freezing - YAY ! Victory ! ! Later , upon the suggestion of a Facebook friend , I left a message for the TNR coordinator and suggested the shelter name him Kung Pao Kitty . No further reply . WELL , ten agonizing days later I get a call from her - " Kung Pao Kitty is NOT feral ! I 've been playing with him and socializing him and he is almost ready to be put up for adoption ! " Kitten Trapped in Pickup Truck Engine is Rescued in Parking Lot My friend Bob is a manager at a big , busy , modern hardware store in southwest Wisconsin . One warm day not long ago a customer raced into the store and excitedly told him that there was the sound of a kitten yowling loudly inside a pickup truck . Bob didn 't hesitate ; he ran out to investigate . He heard the frantic kitten too - sounds coming from inside a wheel well . But he couldn 't see the kitten . Bob hurried back to the store . He told a staffer to call the humane society and the police . He asked another to try to find the owner of the vehicle . Then he grabbed his tools and hurried back to the truck . He crawled under the truck and got to work . He found the kitten . Now , how to get it out safely ? Soon the animal control officer showed up , as did a patrolman . A television station crew showed up too alerted by a report on police radio scanner ! Meanwhile , Bob freed the kitten and handed the little wiggling critter up to the animal control officer . The TV crew interviewed them ; the segment aired that afternoon and evening . The kitten went to the humane society for examination and care , and would later be adopted . I love this true story . In a world where cats are so often devalued , there are ordinary people who will urgently do everything in their power to save a helpless kitten . Back to Top Dog Lost during Car Accident is Found One day I was driving in Houston TX with my dog Rutger riding in the back of my SUV and I had an accident . I was knocked out , and when I came to , I turned and saw that Rutger was not in the SUV anymore . Most of the windows were smashed and I assume he got out through a window . The vehicle was lying on its passenger side , so I climbed out of the driver 's side window and stood on the vehicle looking around the highway for my dog . I didn 't know how long I was knocked out , but all the traffic was stopped as I was part of a multi - car pileup and I could see that some police were just now approaching the scene . There was an ambulance trying Over the next three weeks I put up posters with Rutger 's picture and a $ 200 reward . I was advised by police that if I offered more than that , people would call me claiming to have found my dog just to shoot me when I arrived and take the money they hoped I would have on me . I walked the streets in that area day and night . I covered 10 square kilometers , and then started an ever widening search pattern . I was cussed at , spit on , threatened , laughed at , and even received some sympathy , but I could not find Rutger . I vowed not to give up . I searched pounds and rescues every other day , and kept replacing reward posters that were tore down . After three weeks , though , I was starting to feel discouraged and I didn 't know how long I could afford to keep patrolling the area . I was missing work , spending lots of money on gas and I did not have a large income to work with in the first place ! I kept looking , but now it was every other day . After five weeks almost to the day , I was starting to come to grips with the idea that I would never see Rutger again , when I got another phone call about him . This wasn 't the first time someone had called claiming to have found him . I 'd been asked to bring the money a few times before , I 'd even been shown an black dog , once , that looked similar to Rutger 's picture from the reward flyers . I always wondered if they had stolen that dog from someone else to try to get a reward ! One of the guys that tried to claim the reward got agitated when I told him that the black dog he brought me was not MY black dog . He said " It a black dog , just takes it and gimme my money ! " There was obviously a communication barrier ; it was difficult to convey the concept that the reward money was being offered for a specific black dog and not just any black dog . I still wonder what happened to that dog . So it was with some misgivings that I listened to a lady tell me that she 'd found my dog . But as she continued to speak I started to believe it was really Rutger this time . She said that she 'd been watching this straPublished with true admiration for the anonymous Good Samaritan who tried to help Rutgers for five weeks , for faithful Rutgers who watched for Sam day after day after day , and for Sam who never gave up searching devotedly for his best friend . What a happy ending ! I saw this dog out of my second - story window one day and immediately felt very bad for her . She was tied up on the side of my neighbor 's house , with nothing but dirt and concrete to lay on . I couldn 't see any shade structures to help her stay cool . There was no one in sight . I thought for sure they must have just put her out there while they were cleaning the house or something . I didn 't think there was any way she could be out there all the time , not in the summer heat ! I saw her again a few days later , still out there . This kept going on until I was convinced she was never brought inside . I even saw people in the backyard occasionally , going about their business as if she didn 't even exist . It was so heartbreaking . Finally one day I spoke to her owner , who told me her family no longer has time for her . She told me the dog was starting to get very shaky from the heat , and I could see she was also thin . I suggested she let me help find a new home . She seemed partially willing , so I sent emails to everyone I could think of asking for help . I took her in that night during a storm because she was sitting in the rain with her face down trying to keep the rain out of her eyes . ( See her in the rain , right . ) During that time at my house , I got to know her . She was a very sweet girl ! I promised her I 'd get her out of there , before reluctantly bringing her back over . During the next couple days I came up with a plan . The plan was I would convince the owner to give her to me and I would take her home and then do whatever I needed to get her a home . I received so many emails one morning that I rushed out of work at noon and got her , later getting full permission from the owner to give her away . A couple days later she was given to a bullmastiff rescue organization , where she is now awaiting fostering or adoption . I was so glad to see so many people that I didn 't even know reaching out and offering help and support ! I am grateful for all those people , and for the fact that that chapter in her life is now over ! Soon she will have a new family that will love her and treat her right . From subsequent conversations with her previous owner , I gathered that she was out there for maybe as long as a year . I have no idea how she survived the hot weather here in the southwest . For her exemplary efforts to save her neighbor 's dog from continual neglect , Christine was awarded a Gene Fields Humane Award . Back to Top Abandoned Dog in Foreclosed Home is Saved You would not believe how we came about this dog . My partner and I do work for banks on foreclosed homes . We go in to dark nasty dirty homes and take pictures for the bank and tell them what needs done to fix it up . I went to the bathroom for pictures . It was too dark to see a thing . I took the picture with a flash and didn 't think a thing of it . There was no light at all and there was no whining , no barking and no way I could see anything on the floor in the dark - nor was I looking , because there was not supposed to be an animal in the home . I went home , opened the picture and just freaked out . There was a gorgeous brown pitbull mix with huge eyes looking up at me sadly . I was distraught obviously . I called every place I could , from dog rescue , the humane society , the county shelter . No one would do a thing . Finally after a fourth time calling to the humane society , they sent someone out to take a look . When we got there , the dog was literally shaking in the shower in the darkest part of the home and I am happy to say the handler got the dog out of the home . She looked closely at the dog and then said " The dog is not in bad enough condition . I cannot take him . " I was at first very upset but come to think of it now I am actually happy they didn 't - I am sure the dog would have been put down . This dog had not eaten or drank anything in weeks to possibly a month . He sucked down two bottles of water in minutes and lots of dog treats we had bought for him . Luckily , James , a good man that works with my wife , was willing to take the dog for the time being . We started trying to raise some funds to get this dog to the vet and other things taken care of like they should . I don 't think this dog is more than 9 months or so and I tell you I know for a fact this is going to be one amazing pet . His ears are so silky and he warmed up to us quickly ( I am sure the food , water and treats helped ! ) . I would love to see this dog land in a loving home soon . - Paul in Arizona Nacho is one of the lucky ones , thanks to the Good Samaritan who found him . Paul didn 't do the easy thing ; he did the right thing to take responsibility for his life and get him into rescue . For his inspiring efforts to save Nacho from certain death , Paul was awarded the Gene Fields Humane Award . UPDATE : on Nov . 19 , 2010 , ADOPTED ! In his new mom 's words : " Nacho is a LOVE BUG ! ! We are enjoying him so very much . Our other dog and him never seem to stop playing , which is great because they wear each other out . He LOVES walks and going to the dog park . He hasn 't been eating too much , but that 's to be expected in a new environment . His tail hasn 't stopped wagging since we brought him home and he has given me enough kisses in the past couple of days to last me a lifetime . We 've been working with both dogs , training them together so that they can live in harmony with one another . He did awesome when we took him to get bathed , groomed , nails clipped and teeth brushed at PetSmart . The groomers there wanted to steal him ! He 's great in a crate , no accidents in the house , learned the dog door after watching his brother dog , Kona , go in / out of it once ( VERY smart ! ) . " Back to Top A Shy Aussie Stray is Caught and Saved I saw a small black aussie mix on the way to my daughter 's place . Each time I went out there I would see her beside the road , so one day I decided to try to approach her . She bolted . The next time I went , I brought food and just threw handfuls along the roadside and then pulled off the road not far away and with binoculars ready , I waited . After 30 minutes , she started grazing on the food . I fed her the same way for a couple of weeks every day . Then I got some bowls and started feeding in the same spot every day . It was only about 20 feet off a busy road , but that 's where she was hanging out . After a week had passed , she started hanging around the food bowl waiting for me , but when I pulled off the road she would retreat farther back into the woods . I would give her clean water and food and go back to the car and watch . She always came to eat when I was far enough for her to feel safe . I named her Bonnie and I would call her name and talk to her but never try to touch her or make eye contact with her . One day I decided to take a squeaky toy also . After I got back in the car and was watching her , she took I could tell she was starting to enjoy this morning ritual . One day she smelled my boot and I could feel her smelling my back . I would throw toys and she would get them and not return them . Each time I left , she would follow me closer and closer to the car . One day I decided to take a big meaty rib bone . I stayed up there with her for about 45 minutes . This one morning she was especially playful and when I packed up everything she followed me this time more by my side than behind me . She followed me all the way to the car this time . I was worried because it was so close to the road so I yelled at her to get back but she stayed by me . I opened the back door of the car , where I had the bone I was going to throw out for her . She was smelling it and I could tell she really wanted it . I waited while she would poke her head in the car then back out then try again . After about five minutes she jumped in the back seat and I shut the door . She was very panicky at that point . I still had never touched her . I opened the back door and sat in the seat , she had gotten up into the back window and was panting like crazy . I keep talking to her . I touched her back and kept talking to her and it seemed like all the stress just left her finally . She stayed in the back window but just seemed to have relaxed . I took her home and wrapped a blanket around her to get her into the house so she wouldn 't be so panicked . Once in the bedroom she was a different dog . My best advice for anyone who wants to catch a shy stray dog is to establish a feeding ground and take your time . It is all about trust . It is time - consuming and frustrating and I did a lot of worrying : is she going to be okay ? Will she get snake bit ? I knew if I rushed her I would lose her . So I took it nice and slow . The whole thing took about three months and I thought about the traps and darts but I knew she was beginning to trust me so I didn 't want to take steps backwards with all the other stuff . The payoff is huge . Bonnie now lives with a close friend of mine and she seems to be a happy girl . In the picture above , see how she loves greetings . - Debbie in Texas Back to Top Puppy Frozen to Train Rail is Rescued Sometimes life offers mysteries that help us believe that a special force guides our hands and our lives , and this is a story that illustrates that point . Gary is a track inspector in Alabama who rides a " rail truck " that clears tracks of debris . In early January , during a rare frigid - cold snap , he and the dispatcher made a last - minute decision to reverse his route to better serve an incoming train - a decision that saved a puppy 's life . He set out on the new route and made good time . Suddenly his truck jerked and shuddered as if it had run over something . As a track inspector , it is his job to investigate all debris on the tracks , so he stopped and looked behind the truck . Amazingly , there was nothing behind him ! It was odd . As Gary turned forward , out of the corner of his eye he noticed a little hump of fur on top of one rail . What is it ? He got out of the truck . To his immense surprise , the hump of fur had eyes that swiveled to watch him approaching . It was alive ! It was a puppy . Gary pulled out his cell phone and took this photo ( used with permission ) . Gary reached down to pick it up , but immediately realized that the poor shivering puppy was frozen fast to the rail . He pulled out his pocketknife and carefully cut the puppy 's fur along its legs and belly , freeing it . He wrapped up the little thing and then sent the photo to his wife , Lois . He got in his truck with the puppy and completed his route . Shortly thereafter , the expected train came through . Lois immediately posted the puppy 's picture on her Facebook page , along with a brief account , which was picked up by friends and a weather blogger widely read in the state . Soon offers for adoption showed up on Lois 's page , and little " Track " found his forever home very soon . But it could have easily been a very different story . If Gary had taken the original route , the puppy would have been killed by the train with Gary nowhere nearby . Or if Gary had not experienced that odd shuddering jerk just a few feet away f - Gary and Lois in Alabama 18 - Wheeler Rescue It was an early evening in November . We were just outside of Grants New Mexico on I - 40 East . My husband and I were on our way to Georgia to deliver a load . My husband is a truck driver and I was traveling with him , along with our two dogs , a lab mix and a Chihuahua . I was sitting in the passenger seat when out of the blue this dog came running out on the highway . We almost hit this dog ! My husband pulled the 18 - wheeler over to the shoulder quickly and I threw my shoes on and got out of the truck . We were scared for the dog 's life - it could get hit by a vehicle . The dog had stopped running and seemed scared and unsure about what to do . At first she just stood there and looked at us ! I had forgotten to shut the door on the truck and my lab mix had jumped out after me . My dog ran to the stray dog and so I was able to grab the stray dog , a female . She had a collar on but no tags . So we loaded her up and once we got her in the truck I checked her out to make sure she was okay . And while I was checking her out I realized we had a beautiful purebred Redbone Coonhound in our truck . I got online and did some searching to find out if anyone had a missing dog in the area . Found nothing ! She stayed on the truck with us for the night and that was a very long night . With not much sleep , because she whined and cried all the time . The next morning I was again on the computer looking desperately for the owners or a place for this dog . I wasn 't going to dump her off at a " kill " shelter - I don 't believe in that . I made call after call trying to find a place for this dog . Eventually I talked with a hound rescuer in Austin Texas and I sent pictures of the stray dog to him . Yes , she was a coonhound . The rescuer , Jerry , frantically called his contacts everywhere to find a place for this dog . He called us back and told us to take her to a place right out of Amarillo Texas named Critter Camp . She would wait there until another of Jerry 's contacts could pick her up and bring her to an Austin Texas - based rescue group . LBack to Top An Oregon woman was woken from sleep before dawn one cool autumn morning . What was that she just heard outside her bedroom window ? There it was again : a yowl , some whimpers and whines , and it sounded like . . . a dog . But it sounded like it was coming from above ! As it slowly grew light , the sad calls continued . The Good Samaritan walked around her property , listening intently . Surely this dog would come into view , but it didn 't . So she called law enforcement . The officer hunted but couldn 't find the dog either , but did confirm hearing the dog crying . The next morning before dawn , the dog 's cries once again woke the woman . This time she called the county animal control office , but because the police had already searched for the dog , they declined to send the animal control officer . Later that day , the woman and her husband searched intently for the dog , calling it , and determined that the dog must be stuck on a nearby cliff beyond a small river . The dog woke the woman before dawn with barks instead of yowls . No doubt he was feeling desperate and very hungry . When the rescue squad arrived , they climbed to the top of the cliff and could finally see a black Labrador Retriever perched on a ledge . He was quickly rescued by the team , which had rock - climbing gear , and that afternoon " Hercules " was reunited with his owner , thanks to the repeated efforts of a Good Samaritan to find help for him . There is a fenced area behind the ball field in Lakeside Park , Duncanville , Texas . A female white pitbull - type dog was seen sleeping in the bushes in this fenced area for one to two weeks by a kind neighbor , who brought the dog food and water every few days . She couldn 't get close to the dog however . One day she noticed the dog was no longer drinking water . That is when she called me . I have a petfinder website under " Best Friends Animal Rescue Club . " She told me where to look and I drove right out to Lakeside , bringing water ; the neighbor was waiting for me . We found the dog laying motionless in the bushes . We opened a food can and the dog started to rouse . She was very slow , but came for the food . She was hungry and thirsty . She was very afraid and reluctant to let me pet her , so I didn 't push it . She drank lots of water and then laid back down . I could see that her front legs weren 't right ; they were swollen and I knew they could be broken . I told the neighbor that I would call a fellow rescuer and we would try to coax the dog into the car using food , which we did the very next day . We named her " Peary , " because her light green - yellow eyes are the color of pears . We brought Peary immediately to a vet clinic . She received all of her shots and was tested for heartworms . Thank goodness she was negative . However , her x - rays revealed what we had suspected . Both front legs were fractured and even worse , one was not lined up and had become infected . The vet suspected that she had jumped or had been thrown from a moving vehicle . Peary was immediately put on antibiotics and pain meds , and a veterinary surgeon examined her . Since her injuries had occurred probably at least two weeks earlier and the fractures were already calcifying , the surgeon concluded that she should continue to heal on her own . Antibiotics cleared up the infection . Although she will likely become arthritic in those bones later in life , she should enjoy good quality of life overall . Peary ( now renamed Gracie ) has been adopted into a loving family , where she continues to recuperate . Best Friends Animal Rescue Club writes : " Thank you for the wonderful response that Gracie received . It is touching to know that so many people care about God 's creatures . Gracie is in a foster home and her foster mom has fallen in love with her . She says that Gracie is home . " - Best Friends Animal Rescue Club , Texas On July 3rd at 10 : 15 p . m . a woman knocked on the door of our Plymouth MA home and said a dog had been struck by a car and was lying on the side of road in front of our house . We wrapped the dog in blankets to keep it from going into shock and called the local police . The dog appeared to be a collie weighing about 90 lbs . and had lost a lot of blood from apparently being struck in the head . Two women pulled over and together with my fiance , Anthony , helped . I was extremely upset and standing by with my emergency vet book ready to do what I could . When the policeman arrived he said that unfortunately he could not transport the dog to the emergency vet in Bourne , MA because it was against policy . The only thing he could do was drag him off the road and leave him in the woods to die . This was impossible for me to comprehend ! Through my tears , my fiance and I decided to drive the wounded animal to the vet for care so the policeman and Anthony lifted the dog into the car . Another woman who was present kindly offered to drive us to the vet since I was a mess . We stayed with the dog for a few hours until the vet tech said he was stable . The dog was only wearing a 2001 rabies tag - no ID . Early the next day I checked in with the vet and was told the dog had made it through night and was expected to recover . I decided to post a found ad on Craigslist to try and locate the owner . On Sunday I received no responses , but a very nice man wrote to me and said how unbelievably kind we were to do such a wonderful thing . This was really nice to hear . I called the vet again on Sunday to check on the dog 's condition and they told me they found the owner . We never heard from the owner , but I am praying they had a happy reunion ! It made us feel good to save a dog 's life that otherwise may not have had that chance ! On my way home one hot summer day as I approached a stop sign , I noticed all the cars in front of me were swinging wide into the other lane as if to avoid something . That something was a small lost dog who was overheated and scared . I could not believe no one had stopped to help this dog ! I did not care that it was in the middle of work traffic - I put my flashers on , opened the door and went to collect the dog . It growled at me , so I got a blanket from the car and covered her and was able to pick her up and load her inside . I began looking for joggers and kids to ask them if they had seen this dog or knew where it lived as it had no collar or tags - not to mention it was matted and dirty . I don 't know why , but I turned onto a cul - de - sac . I saw a woman working in her yard and asked her if she had seen the dog I had . Her face lit up and she said yes , earlier in the day , but she was unable to find him since then . I informed her that if he would have had a collar and tags , he would have been home sooner . She told me that he was not her dog - she was just taking care of him and a few other dogs in the house across the street while the owners were moving . I offered to carry the dog to the house for her and when she opened the front door the stench of urine and feces filled the air . The house was empty , the carpet pulled up , the power off and the back door open . The entire home was a dog house and looked like a dump . She said the owner was going to come back and get the dogs after she was all moved in and that she was feeding them until she came back . Meet " Muddy Puppy , " named because he was found in a muddy ditch in the pouring rain . Hit by a car and with two painfully broken back legs , someone did care enough to try to protect him from the driving rain with an old jacket . But not enough to offer him relief from his painful suffering and overwhelming fear . Instead they just drove off leaving this 4 - month - old puppy to slowly and painfully die all alone . All hope gone . An Oklahoma Beagle Rescue volunteer driving by feared she had found a child in the rain and stopped to check . Instead , under the jacket she found a very grateful , scared , cold and miserable beautiful Black & Tan Coonhound puppy ! Bless that volunteer . " Muddy Puppy " was rescued from almost certain death that day . He was lifted gently into the loving arms of a beagle rescuer . He received medical care , had surgery , and had a second surgery , all expenses supported by internet readers like you , through the First Giving web site . What would you have done if you saw a brightly - colored jacket in a ditch during a rainstorm ? Next time you see anything odd while you are driving , please stop to check . Remember Muddy Puppy laying beneath an old jacket in a wet ditch just waiting to die . You may save a life . It 's not like they didn 't have anything else to do that day . Desiree had successfully lobbied for felony animal cruelty laws and had just been informed of the law 's passing , and Carol worked full - time . But later in the afternoon , after learning of the ice storm coming , they gathered their gear and drove 45 miles to the woods where the dogs had been sighted . Carol and Desiree managed to load all eight Beagles into their vehicle and drive them back to town , where Little Rock Animal Village and Care for Animals , two animal rescues , immediately took them into their adoption programs . Thanks to these kind people , the Beagles had warm shelter , food , and affection that cold , stormy night and beyond . Bless their brave hearts . Abandoned hunting dogs perish daily of exposure and starvation all across America . Please help them whenever you can . You 'll be in good company . Thank you Desiree and Carol ! Saving Cindy Lou The temperatures in the fishing city of New Bedford were dropping rapidly . The weather stations were advising folks to stay inside , as they were predicting several days of sustained temperatures below zero . With forecasts like this , cat rescue groups mobilized to reinforce the feral cat shelters on the city 's waterfront and to make sure there was adequate food for the cold days ahead . With a little help from people , the managed colonies of feral cats on the waterfront were prepared for the storm , but one little grey cat was not . How she arrived in St . Mary 's cemetery nobody really knows . Likely , she was one of the many unwanted cats that find themselves looking for a warm nook to snuggle up in and some kibble to eat . A concerned family saw the little cat and at first did not think too much about it . With so many stray cats in the area , this one was just passing through . But the little cat stayed on , not knowing where to go for help . The family brought food and water to the cat but were hesitant to bring the cat inside their home , possibly exposing their own pets to sickness . They made calls to Animal Control with no luck and contacted some rescue groups . Finally , frustrated and fearful , they took action and brought the little gray cat to Habitat for Cats , a local rescue , when they realized that she was getting thinner and thinner , sicker and sicker . Unlike feral cats , stray or homeless cats are not equipped to deal with cold weather and scavenging for food . They do not have the same survival instincts as feral cats that are born and raised in the wild . You could hear the cat 's heavy breathing through the carrier . When she stepped out , the volunteers were heartbroken to see a cat with ribs protruding from her sides . Her eyes were nearly glued shut from infection and she was breathing through her mouth because she was so congested . This was one sorry cat . The odds for her survival were slim given her present state , but without this family stepping forward , and pushing past their fears , she would have certainly died , all alone and cold . The cat was put into the coziest section of the shelter , given a fleece blanket and offered a dish of warm food . The grateful little feline gobbled it up and purred happily . The little cat settled happily into her new routine of sitting atop the dryer in the laundry room , breathing in the warm steamy air and enjoying dishes of food . It was then discovered , as the little cat stretched out contentedly , that this forlorn cat was also declawed . Someone had taken from this cat her ability to defend herself . After a couple of days , it became apparent to volunteers that the little gray cat was not out of the woods . The skin on her nose had begun sloughing off and her tail was extremely brittle . A trip to the veterinarian confirmed what volunteers suspected : severe frostbite . The veterinarian informed volunteers that Cindy Lou Hoo ( as she had become to be known ) would lose her nose and ears and her tail would need to be removed due to the frostbite . The vet also stated that Cindy Lou was about 12 years old . Cindy Lou Hoo is still healing . Her soft little ears became more brittle and the tips fell off . While she has gained weight , she still has medical issues . Her frostbitten nose did eventually fall off , giving Cindy Lou Hoo , a rather unusual yet endearing appearance . Being nose - less has not prevented Cindy Lou from being a huge fan of Fancy Feast tuna and shrimp canned food . Cindy loves to be stroked and petted and all you need to do is smile at her and she begins to purr . Cindy Lou may look very different than the other cats at the shelter , but what makes her special is not her physical appearance , but her amazing will to survive against tremendous odds : elderly , declawed , sickly and frozen , while still preserving her love and trust of humans . She may not remember the special people that put her into a carrier one cold night and brought her to into care , but that fateful decision by the family has made all the difference to Cindy Lou . - Stephanie at Habitat for Cats My best friend performed an amazing rescue many years ago in Wisconsin . She was a 19 - year - old student and had moved into a new apartment . She heard a kitten meowing repeatedly , and she was concerned . She carefully followed the sound into the basement to a spot behind a concrete basement wall . So she went to a rental center and rented a jackhammer . She carefully used that jackhammer to punch a hole in the concrete basement wall and discovered an emaciated and thirsty kitten in a deep hole . She took the kitten to the vet , and adopted it . That kitten lived a long and happy life . She told me that she could not sleep with the kitten crying and she had to do something . I don 't know too many women who would have the guts to rent a jackhammer to save a kitten . Back to Top I own horses and board them at a military base in Georgia . While others were out riding , they saw a small white dog running through the woods . They could not get close because the dog was afraid of the horses . The dog was seen several times throughout the next two weeks , but we could never get anywhere near the dog . It was in the summertime and the heat index was at 120 - 125 degrees . The dog was in a military training area which was off - limits to privately - owned vehicles , and miles away from the nearest housing area . So , it was apparent that the dog got to that place by a soldier driving back miles in the woods and dropping the dog out , never giving a thought to the fact that we have alligators and coyotes throughout the woods and hawks who prey on small animals . After not seeing the dog for several days , I took my truck back in the woods to look for the dog and was just about to give up when I saw a small white form lying motionless on a dirt trail . As I came closer and realized it was the dog , she picked up her head and with her two front legs tried to pull herself away from me . She was so starved and dehydrated that she could not even walk to get away . I stopped the truck , got out and walked up to her and picked her up . She immediately just collapsed I thought she was dead but apparently it was just out of relief . I took her home . S e should have weighed 9 - 10 lbs . , but only weighed 5 lbs . ; Many of our soldiers are real heros , but there is one out there who is cruel and inhumane throwing a Maltese out in the woods to live on her own , which translated means to be preyed upon or to starve to death . his soldier is not a hero in my books ! ! ack to Top In late 2007 , as his train rolled through western Utah , freight conductor Ken VanMoorhem saw a stray , mangy dog , lost in the desert . He was affected by her pathetic appearance and thought about her . He watched for the dog each time he traveled the route . Two months later , in February 2008 , he saw her again , taking shelter in a train tunnel . This time , he took action . He told a fellow conductor Theo Bassett , who lived within driving distance , about the dog 's approximate location . Bassett found her at the tunnel , and trustingly , she let him pick her up immediately . He fed her his ham sandwich and drove her home . Though suffering from a broken pelvis , other broken bones , collapsed lung , and a missing paw , she is expected to recover . The vet guessed that possibly she was caught in an animal trap and chewed her paw off to escape ; that she had probably been hit by a car ; and estimated that she had been surviving for months on her own . " The vet said she 'll be able to have a good quality of life , " said VanMoorhem , who has adopted her . " Her will to live and survive is amazing . " He named her Hogan , named after the tunnel where he saw her the second time . Today , Hogan likes to play in the back yard with VanMoorhem and his other dog . Saving Tiger Lily One morning , my husband Stew heard what first sounded like a cat screeching from an altercation with another cat . Then the screeching became so unusually loud and intense that he ran outdoors to investigate . He saw three dogs chomping down on a four - pound kitten who was airborne , fighting for her life . Stew immediately jumped over the four - foot fence and pounced on the dogs to force them to let go of the kitty . Soon after , I ran out to find the terrified little thing ( later named Tiger Lily ) hiding under a dilapidated motorcycle . It did not take long for me to grab protective gloves and a small recovery cage for an immediate trip to the animal hospital . I thank God that the hospital could take her right away . Her back left femur was fractured and completely severed , and remarkably , that was her only major injury . The animal hospital assured us that , once her leg heals fully from the surgery , she will be able to jump , climb and otherwise live a normal life . Even if she never wants to climb a tree again , it is comforting to know she will not be crippled for life . Before the dog attack , Tiger Lily was a stray and she would not let us touch her nor come anywhere close to her . Now , as she recovers in a padded cage in our home , she is accepting love , food and medicine . She purrs as each of us holds her for long periods . I imagine she is warming up to us because she understands on some level that we are helping her with her broken leg . Speaking of which , her wounds are healing well after only a week . Thanks to my husband 's bravery and love for animals , she has a safe indoor life ahead of her in a loving adoptive home , and with us until we locate such a home . Thank you to Sunbear Squad readers who paid Tiger Lily 's medical bill in full during February 2008 ! Tiger Lily continues to heal while basking in the love of her foster family . Your kind hearts made a difference ; they have been struggling with unemployment 's effect on household finances . Merle is a 65 - pound Golden Retriever from Evansville , Indiana . One day when she was out with her pet buddy Sam , she fell through the ice while chasing a stick . Terrified that his dog was in trouble , 10 - year - old Glenn " Sam " Henderson tried to save her . But , he fell in as well . A neighbor heard his cries for help , luckily , and called the Perry Township Volunteer Fire Department . Witnesses credit Merle with saving Sam 's life . " We 've never had anything quite like this . The whole time it looked like the dog was behind him , nudging him , keeping him up and pushing him toward the ice , " said Goeff L . Rupe , medical officer for the fire department . " Once we got Sam into the boat , the only thing he said was , ' Get my dog . ' " Unhurt despite this ice plunge , Merle swan to the shore , and waited on the bank while Sam was rowed to safety . She continued pacing nervously waiting outside of the ambulance while Sam was stripped , dried off , and wrapped in a blanket . Sam had to be rushed to Deaconess Hospital so he could be treated for his hypothermia . Sam and Merle were reunited at home . " We 'll have to find a nice steak bone for Merle , " said Sam 's father . As for Sam , Mr . Henderson said , " He can have whatever he wants to eat today but , much to his dislike , he 's got some homework to do . " Hit - and - Run Dog Victim is Rescued While driving to work one on Wednesday , July 26 , 2006 , a Good Samaritan passed an apparently dead dog laying in the median of a busy Austin , Texas highway . When she took one last look at the dog in her rear - view mirror , she saw the dog raise its head . The dog was still alive ! She turned around and drove back to rescue the dog . Another car pulled over behind him - a local veterinarian , as luck would have it . The vet evaluated the dog , a border collie mix , who was barely conscious , emaciated , dehydrated , matted with burrs and infested with ticks , and had likely been on his own for weeks . Because of his dislocated pelvis and front leg , major head swelling , and numerous scrapes and bruises , the dog couldn 't stand or walk . He would have suffered and died in the hot sun that day if not for his rescuers . The vet was on her way out of town , but she called her clinic , Fur & Feathers Animal Clinic , to prepare them to accept delivery of the injured dog . The Good Samaritan rushed the dog to the clinic for treatment . Within two days , Elliot had begun to recover and could sit up . The Good Samaritan and her wife offered to foster the dog , now named Elliot , until he could find a home , and the veterinarian offered to discount treatment costs for Elliot . A local rescue , Austin Dog Alliance , offered to help Elliot find a home and help raise money for his treatment . He has since been adopted . Elliot is a very lucky dog ! In the early afternoon hours of Sunday , March 19 , 2006 , I was travelling east on Interstate 94 , headed back home to Hopkins after a weekend visit to my mother in Fergus Falls . As I passed the Sauk Centre exit , I saw some movement under the overpass , in the grassy area of the median . Initially , I thought it was a deer , but in driving past , I saw it was actually two dogs , a yellow lab and a golden retriever . I drove to the next turnaround and headed west to see if I could help get the dogs into my van and away from what I knew was a very dangerous situation . As I neared the overpass , I witnessed a horrendous sight . The golden retriever ran into traffic and was hit by an oncoming vehicle . The sight of this dog flying up in the air after impact is a memory that haunts me still as I try to fall asleep each night . What transpired next is that I quickly got the yellow lab into my van , then the driver of the other vehicle lifted the golden retriever onto a blanket and placed him into the back of my van . The dog was still breathing at this point . After the driver and accompanying riders pressed a wad of cash into my hands ( for any expenses related to the dying dog ) , I quickly got turned around and headed into Sauk Centre . A 9 - 1 - 1 operator connected me with a state trooper and a local police officer who led me to a vet clinic that was not far off the freeway . The retriever died soon after arriving at the clinic . I was very surprised when the officers informed me that a veterinarian at the clinic confirmed that the golden retriever was his dog . It turns out the labrador retriever was owned by another veterinarian at the same clinic . Neither dog had I . D . tags on their collars . Dogs running loose not only face dangers from traffic , but also from a myriad of other dangers , such as eating poisons , antifreeze , etc . Veterinarians should be setting an example for all pet owners in the community by being responsible pet owners . The irony of this story is truly disturbing . The money given to me by the man who hit the golden retrieveBack to Top A while back my wife and I went to Lake Winter Haven Florida . I was going to be a groomsman / usher for a friend 's wedding at Bok Tower Gardens . The night before the wedding I went outside our motel room for a walk . I heard a kitten meowing plaintively from the parking lot . After looking around , I spotted a tiny kitten , probably between 7 and 9 weeks old , hiding under a boat trailer . It was extremely shy - it took me about an hour to maneuver it into a place where I could pick it up . As soon as I picked the kitten up and she realized she was safe , she began purring loudly . Her eyes were a little crusted up , but otherwise she appeared to be in good shape . The next morning we had to go to the wedding , and since it was an early Saturday morning in central Florida none of the vet offices or animal rescue places were open . We placed a towel in our empty carry - on bag and carried the kitten to the wedding . We left the bag open so she could peek out . So , the kitten ( now called Carillon nicknamed after the bells at Bok Tower ) came to the wedding reception . We gave her more water and bits of chicken from the reception dinner , which she gobbled up greedily . She ended up eating the meat from half a drumstick over the course of two hours . I felt bad that the kitten took some of the attention away from the bride and groom , but there was nothing else we could do . My wife and I would have kept her , but we had to fly back to Pennsylvania the next day , and you can 't take a kitten on most airlines - at least without advance notice and approval . We needed to find a shelter to take her to , or someone to take care of her . The grooms sister and brother - in - law who lived locally agreed to take care of her until the next week when they could take her to a shelter . They ended up keeping her , and she 's still living happily with them today . A construction worker driving to a Wisconsin restaurant on a sub - zero day noticed a dog sitting on train tracks , and noticed the dog hadn 't moved when he passed again an hour and a half later , so he pulled over . Jeremy Majorowicz figured something was wrong . And he was right . As he approached , he noticed that the dog was shivering hard . He approached and offered a bite of muffin to the dog , which was refused . He tried to call the dog to him , but the dog didn 't attempt to move . So Majorowicz phoned law enforcement , and animal control was summoned as well . In the frigid afternoon air , a team of men puzzled over the dog . Police officer Tim Strand guessed that the dog may be frozen to the train tracks , and he lifted up the tail . The dog was frozen fast . Strand freed the dog by yanking him by the tail , leaving a lot of hair in the ice . The dog yelped , but he was free . Ten minutes later , a train came through . The dog was taken to Chippewa County Humane Association , and was immediately treated for hypothermia and named " Ice Train . " He was later adopted . " I have two dogs myself , so I didn 't want to leave the dog if there was something wrong , " Majorowicz said . Two friends walking home from work on a pedestrian bridge above the Clark Fork River in Missoula , MT , heard cat cries . They searched for the source of the cries and spotted a house cat trapped in a wire cage resting on slushy river ice and called 9 - 1 - 1 for help . And help arrived swiftly . Firefighters launched a boat and rescued the cat , discovering that a 16 - pound rock was also in the cage , indicating an attempt to drown the cat that failed , fortunately . The wet cat was malnourished and rescuers didn 't know how long it was trapped on the ice . One of the firefighters , Josh Macrow , adopted the female calico cat , naming her " Lucky . " " It 's just the sweetest cat , " Macrow said . The identity of the abuser is not known . Hikers in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park in Townsend , TN , were enjoying a fall walk on a park trail in Nov . 2005 , when they heard a dog barking . They tracked the sound to a ground hole , but they couldn 't get close . A builder working at a nearby property heard the barking too , and he was able to get close enough to hear that the dog was trapped in a sink hole . Park rangers were called to the scene that day , but couldn 't see the dog due to the late hour . The next day , four park rangers came with rappelling equipment and found the dog in an underground cave 70 feet below ground . They rigged up a harness and lifted the emaciated dog out of the hole . The dog , Buck , a Mountain Cur , wore a collar identifying his owner . When called , the owner said he had lost his dog while hunting raccoons 16 days earlier . He was very appreciative that Buck was rescued . I 'd like to share my story about how my sister and I saved our little kitty Tidbit . My sister , Emilie , had come home from college for the weekend and we were bored and decided to drive to the mall . Emilie decided to take an alternative route for no reason in particular . Thank goodness she made that decision . While driving down the road I glanced to the side of the road and saw a tiny little kitten walking dangerously close to traffic . I told Emilie what I just saw and she turned around immediately . We picked the kitten up and saw that she was really sick . She was extremely skinny and her eyes and nose were crusted over . We took her home and tried to feed her while our dad found an emergency late night animal hospital nearly an hour away . We drove all the way there and got her medicine and kitten food . It 's been over a year now and Tidbit is 100 % fully recovered . She 's now the most energetic cat that I 've ever known . - Jessica from Pittsburgh , PA The Lucky 13 A handwritten note in awkward , stilted English arrived in the Vernon County ( Wis . ) Humane Society mailbox in mid - January 2004 . It told of 20 dogs that were starving on a secluded farm . The writer was Amish . When the sheriff and Vernon County Humane Society officials arrived , only 13 remained alive . They were all desperately thirsty and hungry . Most heartbreaking were 4 small dead puppies , huddled together in a doghouse . One afternoon in early 2005 , a woman drove past a very large , dark dog body in a ditch along a busy highway . Distractedly , she wondered what happened to it . A few hours later , she approached the dog body coming from the other direction and his head popped up just as she passed . " That dog is alive , " she thought . She pulled her car over and got out . Another car pulled up . A man stepped out to help . He said , " I 've been seeing this dog for days , but I thought it was dead ! " The rescuers gently lifted the Great Dane into the back of the woman 's SUV , and drove to a nearby veterinarian , who immediately began care . The dog had two broken forelegs , a broken pelvis , and a badly scraped and abraded muzzle and nose . He was starving and dehydrated . Did he raise his head and look at traffic , desperate for food and water ? Starvation is painful . Did he attempt to reposition himself on the hard ground , as his multiple broken bones throbbed ? Did anyone see him walk on his muzzle ? Apparently not one passerby saw him move during all those days of laying in the ditch . For who is hard - hearted enough to drive past , see a dog in distress , and not make even one phone call for help ? Surgeries and treatment began , and Duke 's veterinarian continued to treat him for free , but the expenses were steep . A friend sent notices to Great Dane discussion lists across the nation asking for donations for Duke 's medical expenses . Responses flooded in . Duke gained weight , had physical therapy , and was adopted . Duke was a very , very lucky dog . By moving at the right moment , he connected with the brave heart of a woman who couldn 't pass him by . For her rescue of Duke , Sunbear Squad presented the woman with a Gene Fields Humane Award . A few weeks ago on a very hot summer day , I was in a grocery store parking lot walking toward the entrance , and I saw a little poodle - type dog standing up inside a car , trying to breathe through the window which was open just a few inches . This poor dog was panting so hard that it could hardly stand up . Well I knew that it would soon keel over from heat stroke on that hot day . Heat stroke kills dogs . I used to work in a vet clinic and saw many dogs die of that . I went to the service desk and asked them what to do , but they didn 't seem to have a public address system I guess . So I went up and down the aisles asking everyone I saw if they had a little poodle - type dog in a white sedan , and eventually found the owner . I told him his dog was going to get sick if he didn 't get him out of the heat right away . He wasn 't real friendly , let me tell you . But he did go outside and I guess he must have turned on the air conditioning , because a bit later he found me in the store and thanked me . He said he didn 't realize that he was inside the store for such a long time . |
Work Excuses # 801 thru 999 . 801 . I cant come to work today , I don 't feel that I am being appreciated there . 802 . I cant come to work today , I coughed three times in succession . Though I have no other symptoms , I 'd better stay home just in case . 803 . I am a team leader and I have a ton of excuses that people use . This one is just stupid , I have to go home , look at my eyes see how big the pupils are ! Yes they are big , what happened get a little flashy ? ( we work in a weld shop ) No my eyes were bothering me and I grabbed some eye drops and after I put them in I noticed they were for my cat . Well with the attendance problem this guy has I told him he must get in touch with a person who could excuse this ( almost laughing in his face ) . He actually called the plant manager and I guess instead of wanting to laugh at him he told him to go home . 806 . Have a friend call into your work and tell them this : Hi , I 'm _________ 's cousin and I am calling to let you know that our grandma was just admitted to the hospital for having a seizure , stroke , and a heart attack all within 5 minuets of each other and it doesn 't look like she is going to make it very much longer . I am calling to let you know that ________ is not going to be able to make it to work today because he / she is up at the hospital . Thank you . 809 . This happened to my husband about 3 years ago . . . " I 'm sorry sir , I can 't come into work today . My car is sitting in a junkyard , because I was hit by a drunk driver last night . He 's doing fine , apparently the alcohol was a great shock absorber , but my car is destroyed . And on top of that , I threw my back out and I have bruises on my fingertips where I gripped the steering wheel , so I won 't be typing for months . Thank you . " 813 . This guy came to work and I think he pissed , and he gave the lamest excuse to the boss : " Yesterday I bumped into a dead catfish and it told me not to go to work tomorrow and I believed it . " ( true story ) 814 . A co - worker left early 1 day ( 3 : 00 pm ) to go to a funeral ( cemetery ) . Lives 1 hour away , picks up wife , cemetery another hour away . It 's 5 : 00 pm now ( dark out ) ! Called in next day said he slipped on the ice at the cemetery threw his back out . Came back to work 4 days later . 815 . A co - worker told the boss 1 day that he had to go a funeral the next day for a Dear old Aunt and needed the day off . He also stated that he was giving the Eulogy . He comes back to work and was confronted by another co - worker on how the funeral and Eulogy went for his Uncle , oh just fine every thing went well ! 817 . I can 't come to work today , I just don 't feel like it . 818 . I can 't go to work today , I keep having panic attacks . 819 . I can 't go to work today , I have been diagnosed " perfectly healthy " . 820 . I can 't come to work today , because I don 't want to . 821 . I 'm sorry , honey I can 't come to work , I 'm not in the mood . 822 . I can 't come to work today because I had a psychic premonition that I would hate it there . 823 . I can 't come to work today , I only have five hours left to live . 824 . I can 't come to work today , I have more important things to do . 825 . I need to go on an emergency holiday in three weeks time , a family member going to pass away un expectantly . 826 . My Maintenance Supervisor had his girlfriend call in to work to let us know he was going to be out for the morning the next day due to a doctors appointment . When he called the next morning to let us know he was going to be in a half an hour later , I asked how his doctors appointment went and he let me know he had strep throat . Needless to say what really happened was he had spent the night in the county jail . 827 . Really happened , I live on a Dead End street . One day I woke up to a banging on my door and a cop yelling " this is the S . W . A . T . team get out now there is a man with a gun in your attic " so I grabbed my phone , my cat and ran . When I got outside they went in and realized it was the house before mine . I called work to tell them what happened and but my boss didn 't believe me so I gave the phone to one of the cops who had to tell them what was going on and that I couldn 't leave my street until they got him out of the other house . When he gave me the phone back my boss told me " ok , I believe you don 't want to come in , but isn 't this going to an extreme ! " Later that day I was able to go to work and by the time I got there it was all over the news and so was I in my pajama 's ! 828 . The reason I was off work yesterday is because I had amnesia and forgot I had a job . 831 . A co - worker of mine was late getting back from her lunch break . We asked her , and she said that a guy she had left with at the start of her lunch break had been stalking her and she had been trying to lose him in town . Our supervisor bought it , but when she went home that evening I realized that the guy she claimed was stalking her was actually her boyfriend . No , I didn 't snitch . 833 . I won 't be in today . My girlfriend is in labor and I am at the hospital with her . If my wife calls , please tell her I am unavailable . 834 . Years ago I had accepted a job at an engineering firm as a draftsman ( a long time ago men drew the drawings for the engineers ) and was to start on Monday morning at 8 : 00 am . I was up early and was getting ready when my pooch Johnna wanted out . So I opened the hatch on my sailboat and let her out she rushed onto the cockpit and jumped for the pier . But that morning she did not make it and fell in the drink . Because of an exceptionally low tide that day . I could not get her back to the stern of the boat and there was no way to climb down to her from the pier . So I waited for the tide to come in and called my new employer that I 'd be late because my dog fell overboard . When I got to work Herb Sullivan ( a prince of a man ) came up to me and said " We normally run the alibi contest from January the first to December the 31st , but after today we have our winner for the years . My dog fell overboard ! I 've never heard that one before and doubt I 'll ever hear it again " 836 . Boss : Why are you late ? Worker : Because I 'm not on time . Boss : This report is a disgrace ! How did this happen ? Worker : Sorry , I was just trying out the eCretin 2003 , the ultimate in moronic technology ! 837 . Some one broke into my house last night , it looks like they didn 't take anything and there isn 't any damage , there are clothes every where and dishes scattered throughout , my place is an absolute mess , I will be in when I get this mess cleaned up and I hope they catch the fool who did this ! 838 . " The cat was in a hammock on the radiator . The radiator fell off the wall . I 'm on the way to the vet . " 839 . You : I 'm Sorry , I cannot attend work because of some family business . . . BOSS : And what 's this business about ? YOU : If I tell you ill need to kill you . 840 . True Story : A very good friend of mine " Tony " went to his sisters wedding . He left early from work on Friday . A week later he had not returned and no one from the office could get a hold of him . That following Monday he sheepishly returned and went to work at his drafting table . This is what happened . Tony went to his hometown for the wedding and 4 hours before the nuptials he was so stinking drunk he picked a fight with a kid he 'd grown up with , the kid was now a city policeman , and in that part of Pennsylvania who should not fight the law . They tossed him in the can and he spent the entire week waiting for the judge to hear the case . When the owner of the company Herb Sullivan ( a prince of a man ) came in he demanded that Tony tell him if " it hurt a lot " . Herb kept asking " Just tell me the truth Tony , did it hurt a lot ? " Tony ; " What are you talking about Herb " Herb : " G __ D ___ it Tony did it hurt ? ? " Tony : " Please Herb What are you talking about ? " Herb : " You know when you joined the Marines and they put that big hose up to your head and sucked all your brains out . DID IT HURT ALOT ? " We all just roared with laughter . And that 's all Herb ever said on the matter . God Bless him . 841 . I 'm in middle management at a small company , and our Vice President actually called in one morning and sent a picture via email : " I 'll be in a little late , ' cause I backed out of my garage and forgot to open the garage door . It 's trashed . " And , it was ! 842 . Sorry , I know I am 30 minutes late , but when I drank my coffee it was so hot that I burned my tongue . Then I had to stick my tongue in the freezer for 20 minutes to cook it off . 843 . My step mom does this all the time . She goes drinking at night and skips work the next day ' cause she 's having a hangover . 846 . I used to in the food industry , So if you wanted to take time off all you had to do was phone in with a stomach upset or " flu like symptoms " and that was that . Then the rules were changed stomach upsets that lasted for less than 12 hours you could not go to work for 24 hours after the last episode , over 12 hours and it was 48 hours . 847 . My best excuse was that a tree had trapped me , it had I was using an axe to cut some of the smaller branches of a large branch of an oak tree and it rolled over and trapped my leg . It took 11 people to free me and 6 weeks before the dressing came off . 848 . I 've used this a few times . Sometimes you only want one crappy ass shift off so here it is . Say you have an inflamed hip , shoulder , back , neck etc . and am unable to walk , lift , stand , support head . The next day , if asked about your " Miraculous Recovery . " Just say you took an over the counter anti inflammatory such as ibuprofen . 850 . I can 't come in today because I accidentally sent all my underwear and clothes to the laundry and I can 't even go out to get them until my mother comes over in 2 days with some used clothes . 851 . I had to bring my little boy to the doctor . 852 . The battery in my door opener and car alarm is dead and I can 't turn off my alarm . I have to go buy a new one and I 'll be in later . 853 . An excuse my sister use to use to call in too work every Monday for a complete year before she got fired , I can 't come in today my grandmother died . Finally before they caned her they asked her do you realize that every Monday for a complete year you have called in with the same excuse your grandmother died ? She said , yea I was waiting for you too catch on . 854 . I can 't come in to work today . The muffler bearings have gone out on my van . 855 . Sorry I can 't make it into work today , but I took a Viagra by mistake this morning and now I can 't get my trousers done up ! 856 . A co - worker of mine just used this one a few days ago . My friend fell off the roof , I won 't be able to make it in today , I have to take them to the hospital . If it was true , who knows , but it worked . 857 . I have use this one before and it worked for being late . The main road was blocked off , I turned down a side street and got lost . 858 . I had to call off work once because I threw my back out blow drying my hair . No one really believed me but it was the truth ! 859 . Please excuse Bobby Bonner from work today his mother was admitted into the hospital . 860 . Not showing up for work excuse : Sorry for not coming to work yesterday . My mom made me get this job , but since she passed away yesterday , I don 't feel like working for you anymore ! ! ! 863 . Boss : Why did you miss work yesterday ? Employee : Why , don 't be silly . Every day I 'm not at work , every second I 'm apart from ( work place ) I miss my work . I can 't help it ! I love my job ! Boss : Huh ? 864 . The 30 Minute Excuse ! Sorry I cant make it in to work today , but my ass was exploding in the toilet this afternoon , and when I tried to get up I slipped and knocked myself unconscious on the edge of the bath tub and didn 't come to consciousness until 30 minutes after I was supposed to be into work . 865 . Sorry I couldn 't make it in . I awoke this morning and found that there was a fungus growing all over my walls . This fungus was featured recently on the Discovery channel as the most common household killer , and I feel very quaint . Tomorrow doesn 't look good very good for me either . 866 . Sorry about not coming in . All of my clothes have been devoured by weevils . The weevils attacked and devoured my hair too . I am so very cold . 867 . I have not been at work for the last two weeks because of the following reasons : As I left the house on Monday morning , I was kidnapped by a group of desperate squirrels who took me to the woods and locked me in a dark , cold room . There was an earthquake and the walls fell down , so I managed to escape and run to a phone box to call you . As I approached the phone box , there was a total eclipse of the sun and I ended up in crate by mistake , which was then put onto a ship by a giant crane . I woke up in Australia As I was an illegal immigrant , I was arrested and put in jail . After two days , I was released and sent back to England . On the way back to my house , I tripped over and broke both my legs . Unfortunately , on the way to hospital , the ambulance hit a truck and exploded , throwing me high into the air . I landed in the sea and was luckily saved by a group of wild dolphins who carried me on their backs to safety . Unfortunately again , they took me to France and I was arrested for not carrying my passport . I tried to explain what happened to the Police , but my French is really bad , so what I said to them , apparently , translated into : " I am on a secret mission to destroy your government and I have a gun in my pocket " . They got very angry and threw me in jail . Luckily , I found a spoon in my cell and managed to dig a hole through the floor and escape . After four days of dragging myself to Calais , I managed to get onto a boat and hide . Unfortunately , the boat hit a rock and sank halfway across the channel , so I had to cling onto a piece of wood and wait for the current to take me back to Dover . Two days passed and finally I saw land . As I drifted onto shore , I was knocked unconscious and suffered from amnesia . I didn 't know who I was or where I lived . A kindly fishermen took me to his cottage where he and his wife nursed me back to health . After three days , they took me to the Police who then arrested me as I resembled a wanted bank robber . After I convinced them that they had the wrong person , they let me go a869 . I can 't make it to work because I have no excuses , and need to day to make up excuses to miss work . 870 . I can 't make it to work because I won the lottery . 873 . Supervisor called employee at 10am on a Friday morning after he had not arrived into work . The excuse was , " I thought it was Saturday so I slept in . " 874 . I had a delivery driver who worked for me who didn 't show up one morning . I called him and reminded him he was late . He said he wouldn 't be coming in till later . I asked why and he said he just found out he was not " a morning person " . I fired him . 878 . One time I didn 't show up for work . The next day my boss says where were you . I said I started my period ok . He turned red and walked away . 879 . I had to use this excuse the other day , the apartments I live in were doing construction on the outside of all the apartments and I live on the second floor so I had to call and say . . . " I couldn 't come to class because they just concreted my porch , so I was cemented into my apartment . " 880 . I am in the Navy and I hear things like this constantly - Sorry I 'm late , I got out of the house a little late and then on my way to work I saw a guy on the highway with a flat tire so I decided to stop and help him out . 882 . I used this after not showing up to work one Friday night . . " Oh I must 've read the schedule wrong because when I looked there was nothing there next to my name . " 883 . I am a registered nurse working in a hospital in this area . Over the past 12 years There was a nurse who called off a couple of weeks for a complete hysterectomy . Wait , not once , but three different times . 884 . I moved to Missouri , and had to cross several bridges to make it to work . One day during a freeze I spun out crossing a bridge . Me being originally from California after that when the temperature dropped well below freezing I called off because the bridges were frozen . I did this for 3 years about 20 times a year , and was never questioned about it . 885 . An excuse from a chronically absent employee . " I was on my way to work when I started coughing which caused me to puke all over the windshield and shit in my pants , so I won 't be in to work . " 886 . Some strange things happen at my house , and everyone at work thinks my house is haunted , me included . I called in to work and stated that furniture was moving around and that I couldn 't open the door . And if someone could come to the house and help me I could come to work . No one ever showed up . I 've used that excuse twice . 891 . I cant come into work today because I have food poisoning . I went out with the lads last night and we had a cheap curry , we all ended up sick except for _______ , who just had a coke ! Sorry ! 892 . I have a friend who was on her way into work and had to turn around once she got there because she had forgot to put her dress on . She was only wearing her slip ! I was a long distance friend of hers and was talking with her on her cell phone when it happened . 893 . I cant come into work today , I left my sunroof open on my car and this hurricane we are having has flooded my car out . I would just drive to work soaked , then change into new clothes when I got there , but its laundry day and what I have on is all that is clean . 894 . I once called in & told the boss " I was standing on a chair hanging curtains , the cat jumped on the chair , made me lose my balance & I fell & hurt my back . It 's only bruised , see you tomorrow . " Here 's one I recently overheard from Massachusetts : Monday " sally was a no show " . On Tuesday she calls the boss . Sorry I wasn 't there yesterday , I 'm stuck in Philadelphia . Went there for the weekend to visit pregnant daughter while here her boyfriend pushed her down the stairs , she broke a rib & it poked the baby , after her surgery , sally went to daughters boyfriends home & broke his arm . Well at the end of this excuse who cares to ask why she didn 't call on Monday or when sally would be in . P . S . after successful surgery the daughter had a healthy baby . 895 . I 've actually used this and it worked . I 'm so sorry that I don 't have the work , but you see , my dog had puppies recently , and they 've gotten out of the box , and somehow the disk with my assignment on it was on the floor and one of the puppies ( I 've used both ) peed on it / chewed it up . 896 . This last year has been full of mishaps ! On an average I miss about 4 days of work a month . Here are some of the excuses I used for things that really happened . I will not be in to work today because . . . I am in jail . There is a chance they won 't release me so I might not be in tomorrow either . The Public Defender screwed up and they issued a warrant for my arrest . I was rear ended in traffic and my truck was totaled and I have whiplash . I stepped on a piece of glass and can 't get it out so I have to go to the doctor . I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and need to take care of some personal things . I don 't have a ride . I electrocuted myself last night and am waiting for the electrician to check the wiring in my house so I don 't have to live in fear . The toilet won 't stop overflowing and I 'm waiting for the Plummer . I impaled my hand on a cactus and it 's swollen 3x it 's normal size an I think I should go to the doctor . The doctor put me on pain pills for the cactus thing and I feel kinda funny . I think it would be best if I stayed home . An old family friend came into town . I 'm in the emergency room . I woke up with a swollen throat and a strange rash . I forgot to set my alarm and didn 't wake up until 3 : 00 this afternoon . I don 't want to talk about it right now . . . but I 'll most likely see you tomorrow . The dentist got carried away with the Novocain and I can 't stop drooling . Anyways . . . these are only a few . The funniest thing is they 're all true and I still have my job . 900 . A employee is always calling in for some excuse but the excuse that me and my co - workers laugh at is the latest one . She called in bout an hour before she had to be at work and said her babysitter ran into the wall and she had to take her to the hospital , but what is weird is that her mom watches her baby . 902 . A Marine I worked with in California had a bad habit of stopping to surf on his way to work . One day , having arrived about an hour late , he came up with his best excuse : I was driving to work in my jeep , luckily I didn 't have the top on today , cause I saw this little girl leaning out the window of a station wagon . I could tell the family didn 't have much money , cause it was an old beat up station wagon . Anyways , I kept my eye on the little girl , cause I knew she 'd fall out of the window . Sure ' nuff ! She fell out the window . I was right beside the station wagon when it happened , so I reached out and grabbed her . You know how little kids jeans have little , tiny , belt loops ? Well , it wasn 't easy but I got my big finger into those little tiny belt loops and yanked her into the jeep . But that 's not why I 'm late . The mayor of San Diego was behind me and she stopped and wanted me to go to city hall so she could award me in front of everyone . But that 's not why I 'm late either , see I spent too long arguing with the mayor that I couldn 't go back to San Diego cause I 'd be late for work . Boss : Lamont , why is your hair wet ? Uh . . . cause I was so wound up from saving that little girl by her little belt loop that I stopped at the beach to recover for a moment , and well , while I was there , these awesome waves were coming in and , well . . . I uh . . . Boss - You went surfing , didn 't you ? Yeah , but that 's not why I 'm late . . . didn 't you listen ? It didn 't really work the first time , and it really didn 't work the 2nd time , 9 months later , when he tried it again . I 'm sorry I didn 't make it ! My car broke down ; I ran out of gas ; my mother died ; I had to go to the doctor ; there was an earthquake . It wasn 't my fault ! 916 . I moved into an apartment with a garage that had a padlock on it instead of automatically opening . I thought it would be a good idea to put the padlock key on a different keychain so I wouldn 't have to turn off my car to unlock the garage . I came home very tired one day and put my car away . The next morning , I woke up for my 4 am shift and went out to get my car , and realized that I had locked the key for the padlock in my car ! I had to call work and tell them if they wanted me to come in , someone would have to come get me . Luckily , I only lived 3 miles away , so they sent this stoner guy , but he couldn 't figure out how I managed to lock my car in my garage . Yes , I am blonde , but really I was exhausted from working 4 am shifts for too many years . 917 . I worked as the day bartender in a neighborhood dive bar . It was easy to get someone to cover for me , and my manager didn 't get to upset when I wanted a day off - so I took advantage . ( He has admitted that I was one of his best , most reliable employees in years ! ? ! ) Some of my reasons for wanting time off were : My best friend 's grandpa died so I 'm going down to LA to help with the after funeral party and for her moral support . I need to get my hair done , and it 's an hour drive each way , so I may as well take the whole day off . ( This happened every 4 weeks , but one time I came back and I still had roots ! ) A customer was mean today and made me cry so I want tomorrow off because I 'm feeling very sensitive and PMSe . I need a change of locale so I want to take 2 extra days off to go to Mexico with my boyfriend to drink beer down there . When I returned from Mexico , my car had been stolen so I need the next day off to deal with the police report , etc making it a 6 day weekend . ( The car was found without damage , but out of gas at 7 : 30 the next morning . ) I started the Atkins diet over the weekend and am exhausted because I have had no carbs for energy so I want to stay home and sleep . You gave me too many free drinks last night on your shift and if I even smell alcohol today , I will puke . I have to go downtown for an exam for another job . 918 . I actually used this excuse and it was true . In the days before ATM cards , I needed cash before the bank lobby opened . As I turned the corner to enter the drive - thru , there were numerous cows blocking the drive - thru lanes . Being a city girl , I had to wait until the farmer came to claim his cows . 919 . Man , I was so anxious about the drug test that I had to smoke a joint to calm my nerves . ( I used this excuse as a new hire when I tested positive for THC . ) I used this excuse after missing my very first day of work . " The Company Clinic called me yesterday morning and told me I tested positive for cocaine . I figured I wasn 't hired so why show up ? Later that night I found out my ex had a friend of her 's call me and impersonate the doctor so I 'd lose the job . ( it worked ) 920 . Girlfriend on coworker : Sandy can 't come into work today , because he cut his finger this past weekend and had to go to the emergency room and now the pain medication he is on has knocked him out . . . . Boss : But he missed this past Thursday and Friday too ! Girlfriend : Never mind that he used excuses the past 3 days to make it a 5 day weekend . This is a life or death situation here . Good - bye . 921 . The fuse for my bedroom popped last night and my alarm clock didn 't go off . 922 . I 'm sorry I 'm not at work last week , but I had a freak accident , I was giving the house a spring clean and I accidentally knocked a clock off the mantle peace and it landed on my dogs tail , my dog went crazy and started to run round the house so I tried to catch him to calm him down but he ran strait into the fridge and I got my legs trapped under the falling fridge . I completely lost the feeling in my legs for three days , and have only got it back , I was lucky but my dog wasn 't as lucky because he died , so I wont be in work tomorrow either because I will be attending my dogs funeral . 924 . My life can be stranger than fiction , this is true . A moth flew into my alarm clock . The night before , I had been reading by candle light , and accidentally burned a small hole in my alarm clock . When my alarm did not go off the next morn . I noticed a fluttering sound . A moth had been attracted to the red led light . 926 . If you and some work buddies go for a few beers at lunch and one of really can 't handle your drink , and are slightly giggly or have a dazed expression . Get out of it by saying your on severe headache tablets and were unaware of the reaction ONE beer would make ! 927 . My coworker ( we 'll call him Jim ) claims his dog knocked him into his backyard picnic table breaking his ribs . He missed two days of work . Then a week later he came to work late claiming he sneezed in the shower , and because it hurt his ribs so much he fell in the shower . Unable to get up he laid there with no one to come to his rescue . After several minutes of calling for his sleeping wife in vain , his faithful hound ( the same dog that " broke " his ribs ) came in the door . He was able to grab his collar and was drug to freedom . Of course no one was able to keep a straight face when he told us of his morning plight . 928 . My sister got bit by a dog and I have to take her to the hospital . She has a wrist brace so I 'm gonna talk to her about dropping by work tomorrow if I go . 929 . I did not come to work yesterday because I thought when you said I was getting a promotion . I would get to work less , get paid a ridiculous amount of money , and do a horrible job like you . 930 . I worked for a company that was celebrating 10 years in business . The boss was generous enough to take all the employees and their ' dates ' to a local horse racing track , gave gifts to all the employees , fed everyone and gave the employees 10 $ 10 . 00 bills to bet on the races with . Part way through the event one of the girls ( a total slacker to begin with ) asked the boss for the day off on Monday because she had a job interview . The sad part is that he let her have the day & didn 't fire her ! 931 . I regret I cannot come to work today . I was practicing with my three section staff and smacked my knee . Aforesaid knee is now the size of a grapefruit and I can 't stand . 932 . Sorry I 'm late , I had to answer the bat signal . 933 . I worked at pizza hut and my boss told us once that a former employee called in one afternoon and stated she couldn 't make it in because her boyfriend and her decided to use an extremely large dildo during sex and it got lodged in her " private area " . She ended up going to the ER to have it removed . The boss decided since she actually had the nerve to reveal this , that he would let her slide . Turns out , it was true . 934 . I can 't come to work today I lost or some one broke into my house and stole my ID card . No one will know who I am , or I won 't know who I am . 935 . I was working with a woman named Marion - she 's very sweet , but a little dizzy at times . One morning , ( after working at the same place for the last three years ) she came in almost an hour late . Our manager asked her what happened , why she was late , and she told him , straight - faced , that she had gotten lost on her way to work because the sun was in her eyes and she missed her turn . He told her , if it had been anyone else he wouldn 't have believed them , but because it was her , he was sure it was true . 936 . I 've used this several times but the original was 10 years ago , I woke up one morning hearing my boss on my answering machine asking why I wasn 't in yet . I looked at the clock and noticed I was 2 hours late , I quickly got dressed went out to my car , popped the hood , ran my hands around the engine collecting grease and rubbed it up my arms and across my face , when I got to work I told my boss I had broken down on a freeway in downtown Detroit and pulled up right behind a stripped car , there was no way I was leaving my car there , so I had to get it running , my boss gave me the rest of the day off excused . On a related note once when going to a job interview I had gotten lost and was late , so I rubbed my arms over the wet tires and went in and said I 'm so sorry , I got a flat on the way here , and I just need to know if I can wash up somewhere first . Seeing those dirty hands no one ever thinks twice . 937 . Actually used by one a scary , as in kill you and eat you , scary security men . He wrote a note and left it for the day shift supervisor : " I won 't be in today because my paycheck is missing 3 hours . If I don 't get a new check for the 3 hours with interest , I 'm never coming back " . We calculated it out and it was about 47 cents ! 938 . Flat tire excuse that works every time ! Say you want to be late for work . So call in and tell them about your tire problem . Next prior to coming back to work , rub your hands all over one of your tires . I can tell you within 30 seconds you will have filthy , black dirty hands . When you get back to work and have to see the boss or whoever , start talking about your flat tire and at the same time show your dirty hands . They will believe it ! ! If you want to make it really look good , rub your dirty hands on your closes at bit , face if need be and you will look top notch . This excuse works great . So you decide how dirty you need to be ! ! , Ha , Ha . Good Luck and Many Happy Excuses ! 939 . I work in a small cafe in Wisconsin . One day one of the waitresses called in saying she could not work today because she is sunburned . This was in December . 940 . I had an employee call in and stated ' that he could not come in to work because his sister had a stroke in her eye . Another employees girlfriend called in to say her boyfriend could not make it in because he had a bone in his leg . 941 . Well I have a Job Interview about a year ago I was 7 months pregnant at the time so I completely forgot about it ( when your pregnant you get very absent minded Medical fact really ) so at around oh 1 : 30pm I remembered I had had the interview at 10am so I called the place where it was supposed to be and told them I had , had to get a Diabetes test done the kind were you drink the orange soda and wait 4 hours . And that the DR had called me in to do it at 7 am . Well it took 4 hours she said why are you not calling me until 1 : 30 ? I actually said I couldn 't find your number and didn 't remember I could call 411 tell like 5 minutes ago . ( At the time it sounded reasonable to me one of my many blond moments ) I also was not expecting this Question so hadn 't come up with a good answer Well needless to say I never interviewed for the job and now realized it was the worst excuse ever . 943 . Ok , if you want to go out drinking a night on a school night and you know your boss will rumble you for being hung - over . Take the day off , just call in with flu , food poisoning , something like that . Then go out and get smashed that evening . Go in to work the next day looking like crap , hang around for a few minutes , then say your to sick to be at work and go home . So you end up getting 2 days off , management think you tried hard to come in even though you were sick . In reality you 've skived 2 days off , had a great night and management think your a hero . 944 . " I can 't come in to work today because I have ergophobia . Fear of going to work . Also , it 's Monday all over again . " This one really works ! 945 . I will be late today because I have to go to the doctor 's . ( Upon insistent questioning from unsympathetic temp controller ) . I got a tampon stuck up me last night and I need to get some antibiotics . 951 . I live in the UK and this occurred some 8 years ago when gun crime was rare here . Whilst working as a field engineer I phoned in with this true excuse " I am stuck in my house as there are armed police surrounding the school across the road . " Some guy had held up an ambulance crew with an air pistol the best thing was all the young mothers using my phone . 952 . I won 't be able to come to work today , cos ' my goat committed suicide . ( Actual excuse ) In rural area 's , grazing goat 's are tied with a string to avoid them from wondering , and I guess this goat slipped , and was strangled . 953 . This is what I use when I 'm late for work ( not sure if it will work for you though ) . I was getting off the bus when my coat button got caught in the door n the bus took me 2 stops too far ! 955 . It was suggested to me by my boss to submit one of my favorite excuses for being late . " Hi Tracy , sorry but I am running a little late because my clothes are still drying . " Ah sorry Tracy will try to make it on time tomorrow . 956 . I can 't come in today because I was cooking pasta for breakfast and it exploded and blew the roof off my house and it landed on my car . 957 . I cant come in today because I had a prediction that my boss would die if I did . 959 . I can 't be in today because my little cousin is sick . My aunt doesn 't speak English and I have to translate for her . 960 . I bought a new bed yesterday and it was so comfortable that this morning I couldn 't get out of it ! 961 . I just called my boss 3 minutes ago and told him . . . . . . . . . I have been at the doctor all morning with my mom because she has Granularioglentomia . . . . . . which is a real intestinal disease . . . . but anyway . . . . I told him I had to stay home with her so I wouldn 't be in today . 962 . I swear this was heard at my last job . . . its been years since I remembered it . . . " I can 't come in because my garage door is broken . " I 've never tried it . . . it worked for her ! 963 . I walk everyday getting to and from work , also going home for lunch . One day , going back to work from lunch , I startled a female robin ( mother or baby ) and next thing I know , I 'm being attacked by one very angry male robin . I had to stay facing the robin so I wouldn 't be attacked from behind , so consequently I was late to work since it takes longer to get there walking backwards . Upon arrival at the office , I had to explain the events . . . . and that brings me to here . My co - workers ( whom also have seen this page ) have required me to enter this fowl excuse . 964 . A guy called in to work a few weeks ago with this excuse : " I won 't be in to work today because I have anal glaucoma . . . I just can 't see my ass coming to work . " 965 . I can 't come in today . My daughter is sick and needs to go to the doctor . What does she have ? Uh . . . . . . Pink eye ? 966 . My friend K . took a leave of absence from work to get a hysterectomy . Any way some ladies had asked me where she was . I told them she went into surgery . Of course they asked why and without thinking I told them it was for a vasectomy . They stared at me and I then realized what I had said . Silence passed for what seemed like forever . We busted up laughing uncontrollably . I don 't know if our minds were in the gutter that day or what , but we were all thinking the same thing , transvestite ? I felt like a total moron . Of course I told K . and she thought it was hilarious . 967 . I once called in on a Monday morning with ' food poisoning ' . They felt bad for me until , surprisingly , I was in and fine the next morning . 968 . I woke up this morning with a headache , so I reached to the nightstand to take a couple of Tylenols , but I accidentally took two Tuinols , and did not wake up until 4 in the afternoon . . . . . I swear this is true ! You can 't make up stuff this good . 969 . If you know you don 't want to work tomorrow , call in late and tell your boss you have an tooth - ache and you will go to the dentist tomorrow morning . 2 hrs after you are supposed to be at work , you call in again and tell that now it even hurts more , because of what the dentist has done to your mouth . Maybe I will come tomorrow , or the day after that ? 970 . I need to go home early today because my testicles hurt . ( actually said by friend Dave . . . he didn 't come in the next day either . . . I guess they were really in bad shape . ) 971 . My coworker called in sick today as he has a hangover . And this is the umpteenth time he 's done it this year . No one says anything , but I get a funny look if I spend too long having a wee ! 972 . I called in skunked . . . meaning a couldn 't come into work for at least a week because I got sprayed by a skunk and stunk . 974 . Real and true excuse . . . a co - worker called and said she couldn 't come in that day because her children were covered with bug ( mosquito ) bites and she needed to stay home and let the kids soak in a bath . And yes , she still works here to this day ! Give me a break ! 975 . Here 's ANOTHER excuse from the " My kids have bug bites " co - worker : She was in on Monday , then called in on Tuesday because she caught pink eye in BOTH eyes . To top it off , she came in to work on Wednesday with eyes white as snow . What made this excuse so far fetched was that a different co - worker had pink eye the week before , yet her eyes were pink for over a week ! ! ! And yes , this co - worker STILL WORKS HERE ! 976 . Another excuse from the " pink eye and kids with bug bites " co - worker : She called in one day because she had to stay home and console some people at her house because her " son 's , girlfriend 's , sister 's baby 's father " was killed . What a mouthful ! AND SHE STILL WORKS HERE ! 977 . These are two real excuses that were used by a former co - worker of mine . The first one was his next door neighbors were throwing a party and had parked in his driveway , blocking him in . The second one was after an ice storm ( I live in San Antonio ) . He told the supervisor that his driveway was iced over and he couldn 't get his car out . This one wasn 't believed since everybody else on the shift managed to make it into work safely and it was after the ice had already started thawing everywhere else . 978 . I made it to work on time with my 87 Ford truck but when I went to get my seatbelt off it wouldn 't come off . My horn doesn 't work in my truck and no one was outside . Finally someone came out so I was banging on my window to get his attention . He thought it was coming from inside so he went back in . I had to wait until someone else came out . They saw me and had to go and get the rest of the office to come outside and laugh at me . 979 . This actually happened to my boyfriend - he went to open his bedroom door and the handle came off , trapping him in his room . He called his long suffering boss who accepted it . . . thing is , he lives on the ground floor and could easily have climbed out the window and back in again so not much of an excuse really . 980 . I didn 't go to work one day and couldn 't face fake calling in sick again so I called up the next day , full of remorse and explained that I had been wandering through town on my way to work with a friend and had stopped off to look at the samurai swords in this shop . He 's an idiot and had managed to drop one on his hand , resulting in a nasty gash nearly severing his thumb from the rest of his hand . I of course had to take him to the hospital and my mobile had to battery so I couldn 't call . They were incredulous but didn 't want to call me a liar so accepted it . Thing is , it 's actually true - it happened to the friend , only a few months before and my boyfriend was with him . 981 . I had an employee call me once to tell me she would be late and wasn 't sure how late as the power was out and so she couldn 't get her car out of the garage . 982 . I can 't come in today , because my car ran out of gas . 983 . True story , We were working and a co - worker got a call . He came running back saying he had to leave , his wife was having a baby . The next day we were curious as to what the baby was , his reply : Wont know for 9 months ! 984 . I can 't come on because I stepped on a toothpick . It broke off & part of it is still in my foot . I need to go to the Dr . to have it removed . 985 . I worked at Salvation army for about a year . . . well the winter of 2003 I kept getting sick . . . flu , colds , and I was actually sick . . . well my boss told me that if I called in one more time I would get fired . . . due to the fact that I had called in more than five days during one month . . . well . . . I eventually went to the doctor for a cold I had been trying to fight for two weeks . . . note . . . there were days I went to work with this cold and I worked outside in the cold weather taking in donations people dropped off . . . well my doctor drew blood and took my blood pressure . . . and I found out I have diabetes . . . . when they heard this next time I worked they felt so bad for yelling at me that they apologized profusely and said " well that explains why you were sick all the time . . and here we thought you were just trying to make excuses because you don 't like the job . " For the rest of the day they treated me like I was made of glass and doted on me . . . it 's nice to be a girl * smiles * 986 . I worked at a grocery store my freshman year of college and I lived at the dorms . The grocery store was across town and I had to take the bus to work . Our bus system in my town is crappy . . . they only run until 7 : 00 pm . They don 't run on Sundays or holidays . . . well . . . I was scheduled to work on labor day and I found out the bus didn 't run that day . I called in to work to tell them that I wouldn 't make it because I had no way to get there . When asked why I couldn 't take a cab I truthfully told them . A ) I have no money at the moment B ) to take a taxi from my dorms to my work costs 25 freaking dollars . . . which in my opinion is way to much to spend on a taxi . . . . same reason I couldn 't work on Sundays . I had no money due to taxi far and told them to not schedule me on holidays and Sundays due to the crappy bus system . . . thankfully they knew how the bus system worked and didn 't ask questions . Another good excuse I used when I needed to stay and study or do my homework at the last minute . I can 't come in I have the flu . . . . key to pulling this off . . . make your voice sound like you are so miserable and are near death . . . worked for me every time . 988 . This morning I awoke with the headache from hell , but I didn 't think that was a good enough excuse so I placed a call to my boss 's voicemail stating that my neighbor was framing pictures late last night and cut her leg on the glass used in framing . I had to take her to the emergency room and was there all night . Of course I needed to rest therefore , I couldn 't possibly make it in . 989 . This guy I worked with called in saying his mother had died in a car accident . A couple of days later , my boss called to see how he was doing and his mother answered the phone . . needless to say he no longer works there . 990 . The best , or worst , excuse I got as a boss : " Tiffany " called to say she wasn 't going to be in because she went to her friends ' house in the next state and they all got really drunk and passed out . When she came to and went to get her car she found that the police had put a boot on it because she had parked for 18 hours in a 15 minute parking zone and , also , she hadn 't paid $ 350 in other parking tickets that she 'd had for over a year . She called the police to take off the boot but by the time she had sobered up enough to deal with it the cop with the key to the boot had gone for the day ( she said ) . She borrowed the money for the fine from her friend but couldn 't drive her car because the boot was still on it . We told her to borrow another $ 20 from her friend and take the bus which would bring her to within 500 yards of work . She decided that the bus was beneath her dignity so she called her father , who was 2 states away , to drive down and give her a ride ( AND HE DID IT ! ! ! ) ( She was 23 years old at the time . ) 992 . My friend has chicken pox and her doctor said their is an incubation period . So - I 'm in incubation and won 't be in to work for about 3 days . 993 . You know my friend , Whitney - he 's an Indian . Anyway , I went to watch a group of Indians celebrate the solstice . I was up all night so won 't be in to work today . Sorry you missed it . 994 . A co - worker of mine called into work to say " I can 't come in today , there is a family of wild raccoons in my fireplace . " She did not get in trouble ! 995 . I worked with a lady who seemed to have one reason or another to miss work , at least once a week . Here are a few of her excuses . 1 . ) She was out on a Monday because she said that her husband was kicked in the head by a horse on Friday morning and had to be taken to the emergency room Monday . 2 . ) She missed a couple of days of work because she said she had strept throat on the right side of her throat , and had to go to the doctor . . . where they prescribed her medication . ( fine , 1 / 2 way believable ) Two weeks later , she had to miss more work because the strept throat moved to the left side . ( did you know that the antibiotics only work for one side of the throat at a time ? ) 3 . ) Over a 2 month period she had meningitis , hepatitis , and bronchitis . 997 . I 've used this one more than once , but not back to back . Call your supervisor and tell him / her that you won 't be in today because you were doing some yard work and that you twisted your ankle really bad . You can 't walk on it , much less stand on it . You 're guaranteed to get the day off , just remember to act like you injured it the next few days . Unless of course you have the next few days off or it is on a Friday ( work Friday ) . You may have to describe the injury to them , but it works ! Trust me , it works . 999 . I actually used this one when I was extremely hung over and wanted to sleep in with my fiancé all day . . . I had my fiancé call my boss to tell her that I was pulled over for speeding and there was a warrant for my arrest from 5 years ago ( I forgot all about it ) and they took me to jail . I could only make one call and thought that calling my fiancé was the most important . Then , I didn 't go in the next day because I " had to sleep over in jail " - My boss believed me and then to boot , I used the excuse to get off early the next week to go boating - saying I had to go to court . |
by Audrey T Carroll - - Contributing Author [ Email This Story ] The men started coming around the house when I was six . Mom insists that no , I must have been older , at least eight , but probably ten . But she 's wrong . I was six ; it was the year she got me Pink and Pretty Barbie , and her man came with Connect Four . Mark , the guy 's name was . He was the nicest of the bunch , if you ask me . The first time we met was on my birthday , actually . The doorbell rang . I was in the living room , playing with my brand - new Barbie doll , taking her pink scarf and hat and skirt on and off and playing with her dangling crystal earrings , earrings like Mom had . I walked her up and down the marble table as I sat Indian - style on the red shag carpet . Usually , if the doorbell rang , it was a neighbor complaining about the noise . Mom liked to play her music loud at night . And so I thought nothing of it when I heard a deep man 's voice . But then I heard him come inside . I thought he might have been a cop , and that the neighbors had finally called the police like they said they would when they came to the door . He was probably coming inside to arrest me , too , I figured , so I put Barbie down ; I didn 't want her to go to jail with us . When my mother emerged in the doorway of the living room , though , she wasn 't in handcuffs like they showed the people on Cops . Instead , she was holding a bouquet of red flowers . The man with Mom was only a little taller than her . He had short brown hair and big ears and was wearing a gray and white Hawaiian shirt . I just looked at him , my head tilted . He took away his hand , slowly , and stood up . Mark leaned close to my mother , whispering something in her ear . Mom laughed and playfully hit his chest with the bouquet in her hand . " No , no , she 's fine , " she answered back , much louder and giggling . " She 's just too quiet . " I noticed that Mark had a box wrapped in shiny pink paper in his hand . He must have caught me looking at it . He smiled and sat down across from me , handing me the present . A huge purple bow sat on top . Mom said something about water and left the room , but I didn 't really pay attention . I took the purple bow off , carefully , and stuck it on the marble table next to Barbie . Then I ripped the paper from the box . It was Connect Four . I grinned at Mark . " Thank you ! " I squeaked . The box was difficult to open , so Mark took it , opening it for me , taking all the pieces out and putting them on the floor between us . " All right . Well , I 'm going to teach you then , if that 's okay . " I nodded . His voice was nice , even though I wasn 't really used to grown - up man voices . I never knew my father . Mom didn 't mention him , and so I didn 't either . He was probably just another one of her men , now that I think about it . " Red or yellow ? " Mark showed me how the chips went in , how it was basically a glorified version of tic - tac - toe . After showing me one game that he played by himself , we played a game . I won . Mom came back into the room . Mark and I looked at her , then continued our game . She sat on the green floral couch , watching us . We played another three games before I remembered she was there . " Ah , come on , Jan , " Mark said as he blocked my diagonal win . " We 're just having a little fun . " My mother huffed , but neither one of us seemed to care as Mark won . The radio turned on . The glass cabinet of grown - up drinks - - a cabinet that grew fuller as the years passed - - opened , and I could almost feel that grin Mom had when she opened it , a big wineglass in her hand as she shook her hips to the song on the radio . I kept playing Connect Four with Mark , though , not bothering to turn around and find out if I was right . I 'm still not sure what ever happened to Mark . I mean , I 'm sure Mom found something stupid reason to break up with him . She 's really good at that . But what that reason was or when exactly he disappeared is beyond me . All I know is that he was gone by my next birthday . There were about half a dozen more boyfriends , or whatever she called them , that visited the house by the time I was ten . They weren 't so sweet as Mark was . In fact , it was rare that the man or my mother noticed I was around . By the time I was eleven or twelve , Mrs . Todd , my sixth grade English teacher , had been sending me to the guidance counselor . I guess she felt bad for me . Mom had been sending me to school in mostly thrift clothes , too - big , faded neon t - shirts and jeans with holes all over them , and some of the girls had been talking about me . I didn 't mind ignoring them and just sketching in my notebook , but Mrs . Todd still sent me down to 113 every so often . Miss Fry sat behind her desk , looking to me for an answer . It 's always made me uncomfortable when people keep their eyes on me for too long , even as a kid . " I dunno , " I mumbled , picking at my nails . " I don 't really care . " " It doesn 't make you angry or sad when they talk about you like that ? " Miss Fry asked , leaning forward . Her long blond wavy hair fell in her eyes . Miss Fry had a kind face , even when she looked stern like she did right now . I shook my head . " How are things at home , Cassandra ? " I turned to my hands in my lap , fidgeting with the cuticles around my nails . " It 's fine , I guess . It 's just my mom and me . " " Do you talk a lot with your mom ? " Again , I shook my head . " Nah , she works a lot . " She was out of the house a lot , at least . " No . I stay alone when my mom . . . " I looked back up at Miss Fry . She had the folder with my name in it open . My permanent record , I wagered . I thought about the men , about asking Miss Fry what she thought of the drinking and staying up late and playing loud music . The neighbors didn 't even bother coming by about that anymore , and they certainly didn 't come around for any other reason . I wondered , very briefly , if she could get inside my mother 's head . " . . . when my mom 's not around . Buh . . . Uh , neighbors came by when I was a kid to watch me , but Mom says I 'm old enough to take care of myself now . " Miss Fry scribbled something next to the date on a piece of paper . I wasn 't sure if I said something wrong or not . " Does it make you upset when your mother isn 't around ? " Miss Fry asked . She pointed to a piece of paper on the wall with six - year - olds making faces and the titles of what they were feeling under them , from " Happy " to " Sad . " " Which do you feel ? " I shrugged . The whole idea of pointing to a face on the wall seemed silly to me . " Do you feel like hurting yourself ? " I didn 't know much about suicide at the time besides the fact that it was " killing yourself . " I wasn 't sure what Miss Fry meant until the next year when we got letters home about a girl who was cutting herself in our grade . Maybe Miss Fry picked up on this , or maybe she was tired of me . Either way , she closed my folder and let me leave . After school that day , I walked the fifteen minutes home . I always had a knot in my stomach walking home after a meeting with Miss Fry . What if she had called Mom and told her that I was all screwed up in the head ? Or worse yet , what if Miss Fry had called her and Mom flipped out , angry that she 'd been pulled away from Jim or Peter or whoever , and was pacing the floor , just waiting for me to come back so she could shriek about not acting like I belong in a crazy house ? I would stare at my shoes the whole way , beat - up sneakers that I had for years , ignoring the small houses I passed in the neighborhood . They were all the same , those houses : water - damaged white siding , narrow houses , built so close together that you could see from one clear in to the other . There wasn 't any room between them , they were packed so tight . Finally , as I reached my house , I opened the door , the only red door on the block . Mom never locked it . I guess it added to that welcome feeling she wanted when she had the door painted red . We had a small house , but it was all Mom could afford between waitressing and the help of some of her male friends . She never told me when she bought the house , exactly , but I didn 't remember living anywhere else . Sometimes I wondered if Dad had bought it for her , when she said he was pregnant . Then he couldn 't deal with her anymore , and he left . He left a note , but Mom lost it . She was absent - minded like that ; it could have happened . As I closed the door behind me , I could hear my mom laughing upstairs . Jim was probably with her . He 'd been around for a couple of weeks now . Or maybe it was Peter by then . I walked past the living room and down the small hallway , into the kitchen . There was some noise on the steps as I dropped my book bag on a counter and opened the fridge . I pulled out the orange juice and headed for the cabinets . My mom and Jim were whispering by the front door . I turned around and saw her leaning on him , arms wrapped around his neck , like he was trapped . He reached down and started making out with her , his hands groping at her ass . I grunted and rolled my eyes , turning back to the cabinets to grab a cup . The door opened and closed , and then Mom came into the kitchen , taking the orange juice carton after I dropped it on the counter . I glanced at her . She was wearing her big purple sweater inside out , over some leggings . Mom drank some juice from the carton , then placed it on the counter . " Fine , " I mumbled . I drank some , and then went to grab my bag . Mom took the bottom of my face in her hand , her acrylic nails pinching as she lifted my chin so I 'd look at her . She moved my face to one side , then the other , looking me over . " Oh , Sandy , you 'd be such a pretty girl if only you 'd wear some makeup , " she said . She was grinning with her plumped brown lips and batting her eyes , thick with eyeliner and mascara , at me . I pulled away from her and grabbed my bag . " You wanna go shopping ? " Mom asked , kicking her legs . I shook my head . " Oh , come on . I 'll buy you lots of makeup . All the kinds I have . Eyeliner and mascara , " she said , counting off on her fingers , " and lipstick and lipliner and foundation and blush . It 'll be so fun ! " Mom slid off the counter . I backed away from my mother , feeling the weight of the backpack in my hand . I thought about going with her , for a second . Mom never really spent time with me , and I wondered if it might be fun . Before I could answer , she went on : " I know what we 'll do ! We 'll go to the park ! See if we can 't find a nice boy skateboarding . . . " She bumped me with her hip . " Maybe we can finally hook you up with someone , huh ? " " . . . lots of homework , " I grumbled . I shuffled up to my room , dragging my bag on the floor behind me . By the time we actually got around to going out , she 'd probably have us going to the zoo . Maybe she 'd find one of the more attractive workers so she could bring home another man . The month before I graduated middle school , they held a career day for the eighth graders , where we moved around to different classrooms , depending on which careers we wanted to learn about . We had to choose three . I went to see the lawyer in the morning . All he had to say was that the divorce rate had been skyrocketing . Before lunch , I went to see the school nurse . She was talking about something , but all I could pay attention to were the ducks floating around on her sky blue shirt . After lunch , I went to the classroom with Miss Fry . Three other girls sat in the back row ; I sat in front of the teacher 's desk . " Hello , ladies , " Miss Fry said , standing in front of the chalkboard . " Miss Fry " was written above her head in neat script . " I 'm Miss Fry , for those of you who don 't know me . I 'm the guidance counselor here . I . . . I guess I should talk about what drew me to this job . " She laughed , looking toward the back of the room . She got no response , so her eyes settled on me . " I guess what made me want to be a psychologist was a teacher I had my senior year of high school . She wasn 't the best teacher in the world , but she showed me that psychology helps you understand people . " Miss Fry 's eyes darted to the clock and back again . She seemed much more direct when I 'd come down to her office . I felt a little bit bad for her . Honestly , it was weird to see her outside of that room , without the charts and motivational posters and file cabinets that I associated with her so strongly . Still , even with her nervousness , Miss Fry was better put together than my mother . She wore a pink button down - shirt and black dress pants . Her hair was frizzy and kinky , and held back with a headband . The only makeup she had on was lipstick . Her voice was calm in a way that my mother 's never was , even when she was in one of her more relaxed moods . Overall , Miss Fry was just more easygoing and approachable , which I appreciated about her . " You should definitely take electives in high school seriously . Um , so , the reason I wanted to work with chil - - young people is that I remember how hard it is to be young , so I wanted to be there for people your age . It took a lot of work to get this position , but I feel like it was worth it in the end . " Mom hadn 't gotten any schooling at all . In fact , she dropped out of high school her senior year . As I drew the stem of the flower I was doodling in my notebook , I thought back to my visits with Miss Fry in the fifth grade , about how I 'd considered asking her what she thought of my mother . I wondered if I learned what she did , if I 'd be able to get inside her head myself . I started working at Charlie 's Diner when I turned fifteen . College wouldn 't be cheap , even at Bethlehem State , and I started building up the money as soon as I could work . Mostly I waitressed . It was rare that more than three tables were filled at any one time - - it was the kind of place where even the coffee was awful - - but on weekends , the place was usually pretty full . Mom never visited me at work , except for one night during my first year . She wasn 't there for very long . Readjusting my glasses , I listened to Crystal , one of the girls from my school , as she finished her order . The group of girls at the table wasn 't exactly what I would call popular , but they were popular enough . I wrote down the Caesar salad with balsamic on my notepad , then stuck it in the pocket of my stiff yellow uniform dress . The table in the back of the restaurant was cleared out , so I ran over and started picking up plates . When I turned around , Mom was coming in the front door , wearing her new black leather jacket and sunglasses . Gary came in with her , arm around her waist . Mom looked at the hostess ' booth . There was nobody in it , so she looked around the restaurant . She caught sight of me , smiled , and waved . I took the plates into the kitchen , placed them in the sink , and ran right back out , wiping my hands on my apron . The table by the front had a couple of empty plates . Jamie was getting orders from another table . I walked over and picked up the two plates . " Sandy ! " my mom screamed from behind me as the woman at the table mouthed something . " I 'm sorry , what did you say ? " I asked . The woman opened her mouth to speak again . All I could hear was Mom laughing really loud , the way she always forced laughing with men . I closed my eyes and shook my head . Jamie walked up from behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder . " Go ahead . I 've got this . " She motioned toward Mom and Gary . I dragged myself over to them , barely able to make myself smile hello . " Hi , Mom , " I managed . I turned around and saw Crystal 's table again , then pulled the notepad from my pocket ; I hadn 't put her order in yet . " Look , I gotta get back to work and . . . " " No , no , no . Listen ! Sandy ! Gary and me , we wanna eat here , okay ? " I sighed and nodded . " So , show us to a table ! " I took a couple of menus off the hostess ' booth and led them to the table in the back that I 'd just cleared . Taking a rag from my pocket , I wiped it down and put down the menus . Mom and Gary both slid into the same booth . It was a tight fit . She was basically sitting on his lap . " Do you guys want anything to start with ? " I had the notepad out . " Okay . What size do you want ? " I reached for the menu to show him the options , but he grabbed my hand and stopped me from picking it up . " No , " he said . Gary let go of me , then held his hands up , about a foot apart , shaking them . " I want a really big burger , okay ? " " Oh , me too ! " Mom squeaked , giggling . She kissed Gary , and continued to kiss him , a hand in his lap . I raced to the kitchen and put in the orders for Crystal 's table and the two cowboy burgers . Then I got back out and passed by Crystal 's table . The girls were laughing as they looked to the back of the restaurant . Gary was leaning on my Mom , to the point where I couldn 't see anything of her but her hands and those red acrylic nails on his back . The girls turned to me and most of them managed to suppress their giggling . I headed back to the kitchen , hoping it would just look like I 'd forgotten something . Once in there , I leaned against a steel counter and took a breath . My heart was racing and my chest was tight . My hands were so jittery , I thought they were going to start shaking violently . I waited for my breathing to become more regular , then I looked up . About ten minutes had passed . The salad and one of the cowboy burgers was ready . I took the plates and left the kitchen , looking first to my mother 's table when I exited . She and Gary were gone . All that was left were the two menus on the table . Later that night , I stumbled through the dark hallway by my front door and into the kitchen , where I flipped the switch for the ceiling light . I tossed my keys on the counter , where they clinked , and I heard the stool by the back door scraping . Mom must have been sitting on the barstool , but now she was standing , cigarette propped between her fingers , the smoke trailing out the cracked door . Mom sometimes liked to pretend she 'd stopped smoking . She said something about being a good role model . Even went so far as to blame her men for the smell of smoke around the house . " Jesus Christ , Sandy . You scared the shit outta me ! " Mom took a long drag on her cigarette , then tossed it outside and slammed the door . " The cook got pissed when I sent back the burgers . He screwed up most of my orders after that . I barely got any tips , and I had to spend half my time fixing it . You and Gary really screwed me over , Mom . " " Sandy , honey . . . " Mom caressed my cheek . I first took note of what she was wearing - - a shapeless gray sweatshirt over some old black leggings . I guess he was already out of the picture . " Gary said he was gonna pay , then he told me to cause he didn 't have the money , and I didn 't have any either , so - - " I pulled her hand from my face and shook my head . " I don 't care . " I didn 't bother telling her about the girls making fun of me . I could hear Mom crying nights for the next couple of days . She barely came out of her room , so I had to pick up groceries when the weekend rolled around . I only ever really saw her out of her room when I woke up early in the morning for school , and she was passed out on the couch , the TV still going on some anti - aging cream infomercial . It was typical of her , acting all mopey after breaking up with Gary , though I 'm sure she did the breaking up . She did this with every guy , but it wouldn 't be long until she 'd bounce right back . When I was a junior in high school , I brought Joe Bailey , my lab partner , home with me . I didn 't want him to meet my mother , but I figured she wouldn 't be home anyway . She had been spending most of the past week and a half with Paul . She wasn 't home . We went up to my room , opening our physics textbooks and sitting crossed - legged across from each other on my bed . We were studying for a kinematics test the week after . I flipped to the last page of the chapter , full of graphs . Joe cracked a smile . He stared back down at the textbook , his eyes darting back and forth as though he were skimming it really quickly . Joe was easily the most intelligent of the boys in our class . I combed through the ends of my hair with my fingers , waiting for him to find something to talk about . He was one of the few people I talked to at school . Suddenly , I heard the front door open , and footsteps up the stairs . I stared down at my textbook , hoping , praying , for once , that Mom had a man with her and wouldn 't come into my room . The door opened . Mom caught sight of Joe . She sized him up , then looked to me . My eyes were wide , and I almost pleaded with her to just go and leave , pretend she was normal , not to make a scene . " Who the fuck are you ? " she asked , as though she 'd just said , " Hello , my name is Janice Keller . How are you today ? " She had a hand on her hip as she stood in the doorway . Mom came into the room . " I won 't tell anyone . " She grinned and placed a hand on his shoulder . " Or you could have a Coke , if you 'd like . " " I . . . I should really get going anyway . " Joe wriggled loose from her . I . . . have to pick my brother up from soccer practice soon . . . " Joe grabbed his book from my bed and bolted out my door . I didn 't get the chance to see his face before he left , just the back of his head . I listened to his footsteps as Mom yelled after him : Mom turned around , her eyes soft and her face relaxed . She tilted her head . " What ? I was just trying to show him a good time . " My hands were both balled into fists , and I was still shaking , still grinding my teeth . " No ! He has a girlfriend ! " I said , hoping she 'd buy it . My chest rose and fell , a steady rhythm in the silence . Mom 's eyes narrowed , and her lips tightened . I wouldn 't take it back , or apologize for it . I hadn 't expected to say it , but I was proud that I did . Mom stomped over to her room and slammed the door shut . Mom had as many men as ever over the next year , but between work and school , I wasn 't around as much as I used to be . Stan was around more than any other guy . He would be in the picture for two weeks , they would break up for a month , Mom would get another man or two , but then she 'd end up back with Stan . I tried my best to ignore the laughing and squeaking from her bedroom on nights when they were getting along , and the screaming and slapping and crashing on nights when they weren 't . It wasn 't like I hadn 't heard my mother fucking before , but usually the men had a scrap of decency and would wait until they thought I was asleep , or hush her . Maybe that was because I was a kid , or maybe that was because they , if nothing else , were better men than Stan . On one of their " on " weeks , Stan spent almost every night at the house . I had just finished studying for my psych test . My hair was tied up in a sloppy ponytail , and I was in a tank top and shorts . I stumbled out of my room , rubbing my eye and yawning . Stan was standing out in the hall in a sleeveless white undershirt and dark boxers . He smiled at me . I nodded at him , my nose scrunched up . I had to squeeze between him and the wall to get past him . His moustache tickled my forehead , and I felt like something grazed my leg . He smelled terribly of smoke . I turned and looked at him once I was past . He just kept smiling under that gray moustache , then waved to me , winking . " Good night , " he said , opening the door to my mother 's room and then closing it behind him . I stood in the hall for a moment , watching the way the shadows cast by the lamp in the corner seemed to be breathing slowly . My eyes hurt , and I felt dizzy . I walked back to my room , threw my textbook to the floor , and curled up on my bed , shutting my eyes . One Saturday morning , before I headed to work , Mom came downstairs and sat on the couch next to me in the living room . She was wearing a pink robe . Her eyes were so tired and she looked so ragged that Stan must have been really good , or maybe she was finally getting old . It was always difficult for me to imagine my mother getting old . Not that that 'd ever stop her guests , though . There was a thick ring of purple bruises around her neck . For a moment , I felt the compulsion to reach out and touch them . They looked surreal . But I controlled myself . " Nice hickeys , " I said , getting off the couch to finish my coffee in the kitchen . I was tired . The night before , her and Stan were being especially loud . She would scream - - smack . She would be silent . Stan would scream . Furniture crashed . Thankfully Stan wasn 't there that morning . He didn 't call her back for a week , and she didn 't have any other men around . It was strange , but I was grateful . I had enough nightmares about hearing my mother fucking in the next room . I only hoped that she wasn 't crying too much before the next one . It was the Thursday before my last day of high school . I had already been accepted to Bethlehem State as a psych major earlier that week , and I 'd requested extra hours at Charlie 's to build up more money . That Thursday , I worked until about six . I walked straight up to the bathroom when I got home . When I opened the door , the light was already on . I started to back out of the room , but paused . Mom was lying half on the floor , propped up against the tub . She was breathing really slowly , so slowly I could barely tell . Her eyes were closed and her limbs hung loosely , as though she 'd passed out again after drinking too much . Her mouth hung open a bit , as though she might start snoring , and she was drooling just a little . By the toilet , there was a pill bottle that , at first glance , I could have sworn was empty . I looked at the sight of her . She seemed half - dead on that bathroom floor , no makeup , hair a mess , wearing a regular old t - shirt and panties . My heart raced at the sight of her . I saw her for what she was , then - - washed up and old and worn out . My stomach turned a little at the sight of it . |
Everyone has thought about it . No matter your practiced religion or faith , everyone has at least wondered once , if Heaven was a real place . A place that you go to when you die . It 's supposed to be a place that you go when you die if you 've lived a good life . There have been stories told about it , legends and myths about it , even movies that show what people think it could be . Andrew Spur knew that it was real . He had proof . In his hands he held a book , a book that was so old , it should be crumbling into dust , but some magic kept it whole and readable . It was titled The Book of Secrets and Mysteries . It was written by the Archangel Raziel , who gave it to Adam and Eve . Legend tells that other Angels became angry that Raziel gave it to them and took it away , throwing it into the ocean . But God Himself got it back and gave it to Adam again . Andrew was a wealthy man , who inherited a vast fortune from his father . He also worked as a banker and made quite a bit of money himself . When he received the book , he made an effort to learn the language it was written in , a language not used for a thousand years . Andrew Spur was one of four families that could trace their roots all the way back to Biblical times . The four families had stayed together and had grown wealthy over time . When Andrew read the book , after years of study , he discovered many things . First , he discovered that God was in fact real . There were Angels , that lived in Heaven and affected Humankind . He discovered that DemonS were real as well and they had fought a great battle in Heaven and when they lost , they were condemned to Hell . The book told Andrew that not only was Heaven real , but the Garden of Eden was real . And in the Garden of Eden was the Tree of Life . Eating the fruit from the Tree of Life would make a Human immortal like the Angels and Demons . Andrew Spur was a powerful Human . But to become immortal was a power beyond his Human dreams . When he had discovered that passage in the book , he had become obsessed with the idea , and with the other three friends , he began to learn about his new powers , creating weapons out of Seer and learning how to fight with them . Learning how to create weapons , and learning how to fight with ancient weapons had taken a large amount of time . Andrew and the others were ready , finally . They had learned the skills needed to fight in Heaven and they planned to go there this very year and find the Tree of Life . They had learned the magic of Heaven and how to make a Gattae , or Gate to go from Earth to Heaven . They had spent years gathering materials they would need to open such a Gate . They were almost ready now ; they needed one more item to make the idea happen . They were very close and ruthless in their plans . They would let nothing stop them from getting to Heaven and reached the Garden . They had done things , some terrible , to get where they wanted to be and soon they would cross the Heavens to reach immortality . Cormac had always been able to tell when he was dreaming . It was a talent he had since he was young . When he had nightmares as a child , he could tell himself , even during the dream , that it was just a dream and no harm could come to him . This dream was different . This dream felt real , and Cormac felt scared . It was twilight , that hour where you can 't make out shadows from reality and everything seems hidden and strange . He was in a field where the grass was knee - high and wet . Cormac was running , running from something dark and terrible that was chasing him . It was huge , tall and wide and all black , like a shadow , but with gleaming red eyes . It appeared to have horns on its head and its hands ended in sharp talons . He could hear it breathing , great gusting breaths that sounded like they were coming from right behind him . It had been chasing him for a long time now and there was nowhere to hide . The field was just empty before him , deep in shadows and he feared tripping or falling and being caught . He could feel sweat running down his face and collected on his back . He could feel the hot breath behind him and it stank like rotten meat . The creature behind him didn 't threaten or speak . Its intentions were clear and Cormac had to do what he could to escape . Then he saw a shape up ahead , not tall and curvy , like a woman . She had red eyes too , but he could tell she wasn 't hunting him . She passed her hand through the air and a doorway , or a gate opened up and light shined from somewhere else . Cormac ran towards the light and got a glimpse of the woman 's face as he passed her . She too had horns , and her skin was dark blue , like a frozen corpse . She was beautiful though and she smiled at him as he raced through the doorway of light . He woke suddenly , just as he crossed the barrier from dark twilight to a shining path of light . He opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling in his room . It was midday and he had fallen asleep for a nap and fell into the strange dream . He sat up , disturbing his two cats , who were sleeping with him . They both jumped to the floor and meowed at him , hoping to be fed . He slid his legs over the side of the bed and stood , rubbing his face . He walked into the kitchen of his small one - bedroom apt , and got the cat food . It was overcast that day and seemed a bit dreary outside . Standing on the corner of a connecting street was a man in blue jeans and a flannel shirt , with a cap . The man was staring up at Cormac 's window , but looked away when Cormac noticed him . The man walked away quickly . Thinking that was a little strange , Cormac surveyed the rest of the street , but it looked the same as always . He lived on a quiet street in a small town in New York State . The town didn 't have much , but it suited his quiet lifestyle . Cormac though of himself as a simple man , with simple desires . The truth was , it was a bit more complicated that that . He had been diagnosed with bi - polar mood disorders and that earned him a Social Security check once a month . He didn 't have to work , but the amount of money wasn 't so much that he could have a lavish life . He lived alone , in a small apartment , on the third floor of his building . He wanted to be a writer , so he used much of his time writing , or doing research for his writing . It was a good life , simple , but good . There was something else that made Cormac unique though . He could see ghosts , or souls as he thought of them . He had been able to see them since he was young . He saw them around old houses , or floating along the street , or stuck somewhere obsessing over a regret . On the other hand , his relationships with Humans were quite a bit different . He could talk to them , and interact with them , but he didn 't understand them and often had conflicts with them . He felt different than they seemed to , and not just because he could see spirits . He was a troubled child , a fighter , always battling with someone over a slight , whether true or imagined . In his mind , Cormac was always making sense , and the world around him didn 't make sense . He didn 't understand Human , or their actions , so he had become a loner by the time he was twenty - five . He had been dating someone , juts up until a few months ago , when she left him for a few reasons he didn 't understand . She had said that her friends didn 't like him , and she didn 't like that he didn 't work . Of course , she had known that the whole two years they were together , so he didn 't really understand what happened that made it a bad thing all of a sudden . It took many years , and a bit of medication for him to react the way he did . He didn 't understand it , but he didn 't fight it either . If she didn 't want to be with him anymore , what could he do ? So he let her go , and tried to just be her friend . Her name was Kayla , and they had known each other for half of their adult lives . They had helped each other through a rough period of time and it just seemed natural that they started dating . And things had seemed good , right up until she announced that she was done with him . So now his life was simple and quiet . He spent his time writing , or going to the local AA meetings , or meeting with the very few friends he had . He spent most of his time alone and he liked it that way . Human relationships were far too complicated for him to understand . Easier to be by himself . Kayla Carpenter found herself thinking of Cormac again . She shook her head angrily and scolded herself for letting her mind wander again . She missed him sometimes , that was true , but she had broken up with him for good reasons and she meant to stick to her decision . As a gardener , she worked outside ; doing back breaking work that wore out her body but kept her fit and strong . She was thin , and shorter than Cormac and she had short brown hair . Her eyes were a liquid gray with golden flecks and she had a clear jawline that Cormac had loved to draw . Damn it ! She was doing it again , thinking of him while she worked . Her mind would wander , but she needed to focus . She stood up straight and looked across the lawn to the other people who worked for her mother and her hand fell habitually to the necklace her grandmother had given her when she died . The necklace was simple , a silver chain with a tanzanite stone held in a silver clasp . It hung right between her collarbones and glowed when the sun hit it . Today was a sunny day and she looked up at the slowly drifting cloud and she asked for help , from the universe to get her through this period of time after the breakup . She was stuck living in her mother 's house , in a small room , with her two cats , and her mother 's husband clearly didn 't want her there , which created more stress for everyone . But she just didn 't make enough money to live on her own . It was a rotten situation . She and Cormac had talked about marriage and children , and for a while , she was convinced they would have those things . But Cormac wasn 't really going anywhere . He lived alone , spent most of his time alone and seemed to like it that way . Kayla wanted to live a different life , so she had broken it off . She reached down and picked up her bottle of water and took a long drink . Working made her hot and the still cool water felt good going down . She sighed and shook her head again . Better get back to work , she thought . They needed to finish this garden by the end of the day , and they were already halfway through the work day . She needed to move faster , and spend less time thinking about the past . The Archangel appeared to look like the warriors of the time period they especially thought well of . And their cities appeared as they would have in that time period . The cities were built side by side in a vast circle surrounding a Central Market . Each Archangel and Angel had work as well . Some of them guided souls to Heaven , while other created hardships for Humans to overcome . They also had tasks in Heaven , responsibilities that they must perform . Gabriel was dressed as a Spartan warrior , and wore a bronze breastplate and a bronze helmet with cheek plates . He carried a Hoplon shield that could cover him from chin to knee . His sword was a Xiphos sword , just as the Spartans used so many years ago . He held up a machine that he had created . It was small and not threatening , just a jumble of wires and tubes that made a simple shape and glowed with an inner light . He lifted the machine and flipped a switch and passed it over the heads of the Human souls that stood patiently waiting . The machine hummed and clicked and made other noises that showed it was working . Each soul suddenly stood a little straighter , their eyes rolling back in their heads . They began to shake and drool until they eventually fell down in a heap . In a large glass container behind Gabriel , something grew inside . A light that appeared solid , but wasn 't . it was a glow that couldn 't be described but it made the Angels glad to see it . Gabriel smiled and turned to his fellows that followed his commands . The other Angels stared at the glowing light in the glass container . It was warm and peaceful , but bold and powerful as well . It was hard to focus on and mysterious to contemplate . " But this machine I have created , " Gabriel explained . " Is not enough . We can only used one hundred souls at a time with it . We need a special soul , a Keystone soul to make a bigger machine that could pull God free of many more souls at once ! " Leliel was a Trickster Angel and had contacts in many places . He was sure he could find the Keystone soul they needed . He looked at the hundred souls that had fallen , as they started to wake and stand . The souls looked empty . Their faces were slack with no real inner light . Their eyes were dull and lightless . Gabriel gave them commands to go back to their lives and work hard , and they mumbled an agreement and shuffled off to go back to their work . Even Leliel was alarmed at this new science . The souls they extracted God from looked like the dead instead of vibrant as they were before . He wondered how long it would be before the other Archangels noticed the change in the Human souls in Gabriel 's city . Leliel wondered how they would react when they learned of Gabriel 's plan ? And he wondered which side he would stand on in the end ? He chuckled to himself and turned away to seek out his contacts and find the soul they needed . Cormac could feel it in his gut . Ever since he had the strange dream , something was different . He could feel spirits now , instead of just seeing them . Normally if he saw them , floating about , it would be luck . He would just happen to look at the right time . The last one , seen outside the mental health building was even more different . His cab had dropped him early , so he sat outside by a bench to read a book before going in . Cormac felt the now familiar pressure and looked up to see a young girl floating near the building . A moment later , both the girl and the shadow were gone and he felt nothing . Cormac didn 't understand what was happening , but he knew it was connected to the dream . Somehow that dream had touched him , connected him to something new , something more powerful than simple sight . Now he could feel the spirits as well as see them . It was an odd feeling , familiar in some ways , and frightening in others . Cormac wasn 't sure how to react , and of course he couldn 't talk to anyone about it . Cormac knew he needed to keep this to himself , but he couldn 't stop thinking of it . His session with his therapist was affected and she pointed out that he seemed distracted in some way . He brushed it off quickly , saying that he was tired . Cormac stepped to the window and looked outside and standing there , on the corner again , was the man he had seen right after his dream . He focused on the man and could tell the pressure was coming from him . He turned away and quickly put his shoes back on and ran down the three flights of step to get outside . When he walked through the double doors , the man was gone and so was the feeling of pressure . He realized that he felt it vanish even before he had gotten done the steps . He looked up and down the street , but there was no sign of the man . Cormac climbed back up to his apartment and looked out the window again , but the street was clear . He saw no one standing out there and the feeling of pressure was still gone . He returned to his seat in front of his computer and went back to writing . Andrew Spur sat on the bed in his favorite bedroom of his California house . To call it a house was like calling a skyscraper and business building . His home sprawled across a high cliff that looked out over the sea . The building had fifteen bedroom and fifteen bathrooms . It had a tennis court , a ballroom and a conservatory . It had guest cottages outside , a one hundred foot long swimming pool and a walkway that led right to the ocean below . Andrew 's relationship with his father had been a strained one . His mother had been a meek woman , who cowered around the bull his father had been . His father had been loud and brash , a conqueror of men and his son had never quite lived up to his expectations . He had been sent to a private school in Europe and that was where he met his only friends , from the three other Otheymm families . James , Jessica and Michelle . Andrew had still been quite meek when he arrived at the school , and he was picked on mercilessly by the other boys . James , a giant even as a boy , came to his rescue . James was over six feet tall and built like a house , muscles on top of muscles . He was inhumanly strong and took a liking to Andrew right away . " I was tough on you boy , because you need to carry on our family name , " his father croaked out between wheezing breaths . " That book can get you into Heaven itself ! Find the Tree ! Make our name immortal boy ! " The book told them how to build a special Gate , a Gate into Heaven , but it did not tell them what Heaven would be like . That was still a mystery . The book did tell them how to get into Heaven and how to get into the Garden . The book told them they needed a Keystone and a Keystone soul . Andrew had used his considerable resources to find a family that had a Keystone . He had discovered that an old woman , named Carpenter had owned a Keystone necklace . Andrew had a man watching her daily , and she did in fact wear the necklace . All that was left was to approach her and find a way to get the necklace . Then they could go to Heaven and find the Garden . Andrew smiled as he held the ancient book that should be crumbling with age . It was heavy and thick , filled with information that Humans didn 't know . His friends would be arriving tonight to hear about his discoveries . The dream started the same , running through a field in twilight , being chased by a heavily breathing monster . Cormac was sure he was dreaming , but again it felt all too real . He was looking for the woman this time and when she appeared , he breathed a sigh of relief . He turned to look at the woman and saw that she was more than a woman . Her skin was blue , her feet were hoofed and delicate horns breached her forehead . Then he saw her spiked tail whip up behind her like a frustrated cat . " Impolite Nephilim aren 't you ? " she laughed . " I am a succubus , a demon of dreams . And normally , you would have a wonderful dream about bedding me and I would suck out a little of your soul in exchange . " " Yes , as I said , " she responded , her smile vanishing quickly . " I was told to speak to you in your dreams . Great things are happening in the Realms and you , dear boy , are part of it . " " I don 't understand what 's happening . This is more than a dream isn 't it ? " Cormac asked , alarmed at what she was saying . " It is more than a dream boy , " she answered in a low voice . " You must prepare yourself . A man will come to you , and you must do as he says , if you wish to survive what 's coming . " Cormac was enthralled by the devil woman , but her words were confusing . The Realms ? Something was happening to him ? He would be a part of something ? " The dream did something to me , " he said , trying to wade through the confusing information . " I can feel ghosts now instead of just see them . And I think I can feel other things too . " " We did open your mind a bit with the first dream , that 's true . Now you can sense spirits , Demons and Angels . That is what you felt , their spiritual pressure or energy . You felt their power . " " All I know is that Demon and Angels are going to war again , and you are wanted in that exchange . I didn 't bother to ask why . I 'm doing the job assigned to me . " Cormac closed his eyes and tried to feel his own energy . At first , he could only feel hers , but then he felt something else , a sense of power beneath his chest . It rippled through him and he felt it coming forward , from his center . Cormac opened his eyes and looked down to see a handle sticking out of his chest . His eyes widened and he grabbed it and pulled , as his power grew , the object came free . When he pulled it all the way out , he saw that he was holding a sword . The sword was long and sharp , kind of thin and curved slightly at the tip . It was black metal , with a black handle , with bright red ribbon tied to the end . Cormac held it away from himself and looked to the she - devil for answers . " That , " she said , indicating the weapon , " Is your Quizarat , or Soul Blade . It is your power manifested as a weapon for you to use . You must learn how to use it , and how to separate your soul from your body . " " Everything will be made clear to you soon Cormac , but for now you must listen to me . Separate your soul from your body . Feel your power again , and when it 's ready , step away from your mortal shell and you 'll be free . " Cormac felt like he had no choice but to follow the instructions . He closed his eyes again and felt deep inside for his power . It was like a red vibrating image of himself and he urged it to move faster . " Excellent Cormac ! " the succubus praised . " You have a natural talent for this ! That 's enough for this visit . Now slide back into your body and put away your sword . Then you can wake . " He turned to look at the succubus but she was gone . He looked all around the lifeless landscape and wondered where she was . He was about to call out for her when everything turned bright white and vanished . He woke up in his bed , fully aware and remembering everything . On a whim , he got out of bed quickly and ran to the living room to look out the window . The man was there , looking up at him . Cormac turned away , grabbed his shoes , put them on and ran out the door . He got to the street in record time , but the man was gone . Puzzled , Cormac returned to his apartment slowly , wondering what part the man played in this new experience . |
Lifestyles of the Rude and Entitled I was working in a fancy highrise one morning and I was riding the elevator down to to lobby . The elevator stopped after a few floors and a woman and the cutest little dog walked in . The dog came right up to me and she told me that that dog doesn 't like many people . As more people got on the elevator , the dog his behind me for safety . The owner and I got to talking and she asked for my card . Excellent . About a month or so later , I receive a call from this woman asking me about dog sitting . When she called , I was already out working so I asked her to please email me all of the information ( the dates , what times she needs visits , etc ) and that I would get back to her later when I got home . This was about 8 : 30 / 9 am when she called . I skimmed the email a bit later and realized that I had some questions for her , but didn 't want to call until I was home and didn 't have a dog in my hand . This was the email : I got home at my usual time , about 3 pm and I had just enough time to eat something , sit down , and take a deep breath . Then my phone rings and it 's her . Perfect timing ! I say , " Hello ! How are you ? " Her reply was , " This is ( insert her name here ) . " And I say , " Yes , I know . I have it saved in my phone , how are you ? " She replies in the coldest , most annoyed , snarky tone I have ever heard , " Were you going to respond to me ? " I was taken aback ! I told her that I had just gotten home not too long ago and I was planning on calling her in a little bit . She said , " Well , I called you early this morning . " And I said , " Yes , and I told you that I was out working and that I would call you when I got home . I just got home . " She replied by saying how she didn 't expect me to be out so long ! ! ( Um . . . I WAS WORKING ALL DAY ! ) I I told her that there were potentially a few problems with her request . One was that I had already sent out an email that I was taking off from the 7th to the 10th and she wouldn 't have known that because she is not on my email list . She immediately dismissed me . Then I said , for the future , the other was that I do not do visits past 7pm because I allot myself 12 hour days . I was trying to ask if we could switch the time around and she gets literally angry and haughtily says , " Well no ! She NEEDS to go out late at night so I guess that 's it isn 't it ? ! " Again , taken aback . I don 't even know this woman and she is already angry at me for not being able to accommodate her every need . I was about to offer her a referral for someone that I know that does do late night walks , but she essentially hung up on me . I was angry , but I let it go for the night . Hello there . I 'm sorry to disappoint you with my lack of availability for this particular trip , but you hung up before I could get a few things out . # 1 It is tough to find a dog walker to come for walks after 8 pm , but I could put the word out to try to help you find one . We all normally work 12 hour days as it is and there has to be a cut off somewhere . I personally am in bed by 10 as I am up at 6 everyday . # 2 You must allow at least 24 hours for someone to get back to you regarding pet sitting / dog walking . Things come up that are unexpected and days are long . I was not ignoring you , I literally did not have the time to sit down and reply to an email until 6pm last night . Me back in 2 hours and she is available for the times I needed . No issues . I don 't have time to listen to excuses . I need a service , you can 't provide it so I was done . I need to work with Serious business people no matter what their product or service . I have been around a little Longer than you and have a decent understanding of dependability and availability . It is time for me to move on . Btw you wrote this email in a much more timely manner than you returned my call . Let 's just move on . Sigh . . . . . I replied and just told her that I was trying to keep it cordial since I do business in her building and we would inevitably run into eachother again on the elevator . Told her to have a great weekend and called it a day . I later found out that she is just as awful to her other neighbors in the building as well as the staff . Do I feel a bit better about that ? Not really . . . . If I can 't accommodate someone , I will always try to give them another option . When they insult me and my business because I didn 't have time to get back to her until after my workday , well , that 's just below the belt . I am one person . I do not have a secretary to schedule my life . I know I lucked out by not having her as a client ( Thank you universe ) , but I hate to know that there is someone like this treating people terribly for no reason . Literally , no reason . Posted by I haven 't had time to write as much , but I wanted to write about Charlie Waffles a few months ago . I figured that it would be an uplifting change from the " man hits dog " post . There must always be a balance . Here is the story of Charlie Waffles : I was in the car with Terry headed down 3rd st to walk a dog . I got out of the car , crossed the street , and when I hit the sidewalk in front of the dogs house , I saw a small furry gray ball by a car wheel . I bent down and picked up a small cold and stunned little 7 week old squirrel . The nextdoor neighbor was outside and kindly offered me a small towel to wrap him in and a piece of her Eggo waffle which he readily ate . Now I had a squirrel and had still had to walk the dog . The first rule of baby squirrels is " keep them warm and hydrated . " Luckily Terry squirrel sat in the car and my client had some pedialyte that I could use to hydrate the little guy . After the dog went back home , we took the squirrel back to my house to give him a hot water bottle and some fleece to cuddle in while I finished my day . I was hoping that he was just stunned and needed a little warmth and food and that when I returned home he would be raring to go out be a squirrel . When I first checked on him in the house she was going NUTS in the carrier that I had him in . He was biting at the door ( and my finger ) trying to get out . My immediate thought was , " YAY ! He was just stunned and now he can run and go be free ! ! " I optimistically took him out on my 2nd floor deck and opened the carrier door . I expected him to bolt and climb down the side of my house . Instead , he timidly walked out and jumped in my lap and them climbed on my shoulder . ( Damn ! ) From then on , he was my little buddy and I had to deal with the fact that I could only keep him for so long . He stayed with us for a week and after taking him out on the deck every day , he was getting more and more bold . He wasn 't the best eater , so every morning he got a piece of waffle with peanut butter and jelly ( hey , it WAS a nut ) and he would eat baby food . He enjoyed his carbs , but I knew that he needed to be a real squirrel with squirrel friends . There was no reason for him to stay ( no major injury , nothing to stop him from fulfilling his squirrely duties ) . He was very attached to me and I was attached to him . He didn 't care for any other human really , he was my guy . That just made it even more difficult to take him to the wildlife rehab and hand him over to strangers . Instead of being Charlie Waffles , he became Gray Squirrel 3599 . I did call and check up on him a few times and he was acclimating quite well . I secretly hope that he will find me one day in the world and jump on my shoulder so that I know it 's him . I know that I did what was best for him , but it was still tough ! I 'm happy that I got to play " mom " for a week to him and have a sweet bond . After 2 full days of pouring rain , I was so happy to walk dogs on a dry and brisk morning . I had 2 dogs with me in the neighborhood and we were crossing the street . I saw a man walking a large pitbull towards us who saw us and smiled and seemed excited . Given that I had an older pit and a puppy in my hands , I just let them cross the street and we backed up . It seemed that the owner was not happy with the dog being happy ( I can only assume ) and as soon as he passed us he flattened the dog to the ground and raised his hand and hit her hard in the head . She did NOTHING wrong . Even if the dog did do something wrong , there is no excuse for hitting . But this was pure abuse just for the sake of control . My immediate reaction was to say , " Hey ! ! There is NO need to hit your dog ! " That was met with ( kids cover your ears ) " Mind your own fucking business ! I 'll do what the fuck I want ! Mind your fucking business . I 'll get my brother to come and get you ! Don 't fucking follow me ! . " He had some more things to say , I was struggling for my phone , he was daring me to call the police , etc . I followed at a distance to his destination and I called 911 . I gave a description of the man , the dog , and an address . ( Mind you I still had 2 dogs with me ) I then got cut off from 911 - it just hung up . I walked the dogs home , got them settled , and then headed to my next dog . While walking , I called the 3rd District to see if they were indeed sending someone out , considering we got disconnected . They told me that they don 't dispatch from there and that I have to call 911 again to check . Sigh . So I called - no answer . I called again , it disconnected me with no answer . I called AGAIN and after 10 rings a 911 operator picked up ( Appalling ! ! ! ) . I explained the situation and she asked if I was at the location that I called about . I told her no . She said that the police needed to speak with me in person before they go find him ! ! I told her that no one told me to do this and her reply was , " Well that 's unfortunate . " I told her where I was and she said that she would send a car out to me and that I should wait for them . I waited 45 minutes . No one showed up . I had to get to the next dog , so I left and just looked for an officer on the way . I didn 't find one until 17th and Pine . He told me that I needed to file a report in person and call the SPCA . The SPCA needs an address of the dog , I don 't have that . I had what I thought was an address , but it seems that he was just " doing some business behind a gate " So , people of Queen Village . Keep an eye out for him . I saw him at 6th and Carpenter headed to 5th . Tall white male , thin . Approx 65 yrs old . Longish gray / blondish hair . Female pitbull , long torso , light brindle , large nipples as if she had a litter not long ago . Please keep an eye out for him and and see if the dog is ok . She does not deserve to live like this . I get it , I am aware . But I cannot watch a dog get abused in front of me and just walk away . I can 't . Hopefully someone knows him and can get the dog into a safer place . I have to do whatever is in my power for the safety of the dog . It 's never easy when an animal client dies , but it always affects me a little differently . Some have passed in front of me on an emergency basis . Some have passed and I found out months later . Some I have played " hospice nurse " to and knew that it was their time . Each of them have had a place in my heart , whether I knew them for months or years , but the cat that passed today held a very special place in my heart . Twelve years ago a good friend and co - worker of mine at another animal hospital took his own life . To this day I have not gotten over it , nor will I ever . For those of you who believe in the afterlife , he has come to visit me quite a few times over the years . He has also visited our other co workers ( they can attest to it ) . After he passed , everything was a whirlwind of sadness and organization . He was also a pet sitter and we had to take over his clients . Twelve years ago I started pet sitting for Bugsy who he had already been watching for a few years . Today Bugsy lost his battle with cancer . My old co - corker and I were the only 2 people to ever pet sit for Bugsy and I always held that close . It was my last real connection to him . His owner and I became like family and he was such a special cat to me for all of these reasons . He was always a " hefty cat " topping off at about 26 lbs . It was tough to lift him , but he would always sit on the couch with me and watch TV . He loved food , yelling at the closet , drinking out of everything except for his water bowl , and playing hide and seek behind the coffee table . He was the apple of his moms eye - very bonded and very close . She hated to leave him alone in the house but felt better knowing that I was taking care of him . He lived a long and mostly healthy life until his 15th year when he was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and then cancer . He was being treated with chemo and steroids but he wasn 't responding . I spent the last few weeks shoving pills in his mouth and then force feeding him twice a day because he wouldn 't eat on his own . I kept hoping that it would just be temporary and it would give him the boost that he needed to respond to the medication . Unfortunately it only prolonged his life so that he could spend a little more time with us . He was visibly declining yesterday and would barely take the food I was giving him . I knew then that he had given up and his mom agreed . In the past 24 hours his back legs were giving out on him , he was becoming uncomfortable , and he just wanted to sleep . It was time and we all dreaded this day . I said my goodbyes last night because I just knew that today was the day . I intermittently cried all day , as did his mom . We both did everything in our power to keep him with us and comfortable . After 12 years with a cat that was not my own , he really felt like part of my cat family . I have cried for other clients passing , but this felt like I had lost one of my own . My own emotions surprised me and I have been in mourning all day . He will be greatly missed , but I know that he is no longer in pain and in cat heaven looking down on us . Here are some pictures from throughout the years . . . . . And we are trying to do our " frolic through the park while doing our bathroom business " ritual . We got halfway around the park and he decided that he wanted to switch directions . We turn around and I see a young father jogging the path of the park with his 3 daughters ( I am assuming ) . Their ages I guess ranged from 6 - 10 yrs old ( again , I am assuming ) The first 2 youngest were right by his side but the last girl was lagging behind a bit . Just as she decided to pick up the pace was right when she was passing me and Finn . He got SO excited when she ran by that he put on a huge smile and started jumping , trying to join her ! ( He LOVES to run ) She looks to her left and immediately starts screaming bloody murder for literally about 20 seconds . Screaming at the top of her lungs repeatedly for 20 seconds ! ( really count to 20 to see how long that is ) Meanwhile the whole park turns around to look at us ! It appeared as though the dog attacked her or I tried to kidnap her . It was a " stranger danger " type of scream . Her dad was a good 200 feet away and I 'm just standing here yelling , " He just got excited and wanted to run with you ! He wasn 't doing anything ! ! " Far be it from the dad to run back over and see why the girl was screaming incessantly or talk to me . This dog wouldn 't hurt a fly , he loves love and people . At that point Finn was so confused at what just happened that I decided to walk the opposite direction from the runners . We took the grass past a few benches and passed a group of about 8 Middle Eastern women and a baby that seemed to be feeding the squirrels and birds while they chatted . We walked behind them just trying to get through the park when I felt something peg me in the head . I was hit in the back of the head with a cracker ! I rubbed my head and turned around and one horrified woman was looking at me and in a thick accent says , " Ooh , sorry ! " I asked , " Did you just throw a cracker at my head ? " She looked uncomfortable and didn 't answer , I doubt she understood a word I said . At that point , it was just saferPosted by Oh boy , are you people in for a crazy story ! A few weeks ago I was walking a dog in in neighborhood and Terry came to pick me up . There are assigned parking spots and she was in someones spot , so she moved . The woman was apparently very chatty . I walk by and get bombarded by this same woman because she wanted to pet the dog that I was walking . ( Of course she did , he 's adorable ) She starts chatting with me and it ends up being a 45 minute discussion where she told me her current medical status , her trials and tribulations with training her own dog , her daughters history , her recent relationship history . . . you get the idea . Mind you , Terry is waiting in the car and the poor dog that I have is so hot ! The reason that I couldn 't cut her off is because she informed me of a serious diagnosis and seemed scared . I wanted to be an ear , because that 's just what I do . She then told me how she was looking for a personal trainer . I recommended my husband , she seemed thrilled and called me an angel . I thought she was a little nutty , but seemed sweet enough . . . . In the next few weeks she and my husband were in contact about training and spoke AT LENGTH about the best course of action for her . There were many texts , phone calls , emails , etc . She told him that she wanted my contact info so that I could help her walk the dog post - op . I was willing if I could fit it in my schedule . Within the month , she never told me what she needed , she postponed her surgery , and I kept running into her when I would walk this other dog that lived across the street . She would call me over and interrupt the walk and tell me about her broken car , her broken phone , etc . She would call me and talk about everything except how many walks she needed from me when she was home from the hospital . I learned of her broken couch , how her day went , her ex and his behavior , the dog and his pulling , but never what she needed . This past week she was supposed to have an assessment with my husband in person for personal training . She was trying to get me to come that morning to learn how to walk the dog . I kept telling her that I have walked every type of dog ( people aggressive , dog aggressive , pullers , large dogs , etc ) She insisted hers was different and I had to watch how her daughter walked him . I told her that I wasn 't going to have time that week , but she seemed like she ignored that statement . A few days before her training assessment , she sent me a text that said , " My phone is up Debbie ! " Me : " Ooh ! Hooray ! I still don 't really have time to be able to come over this week . If I can find a pocket I will definitely let you know , but my schedule is just super crazy . As far as post surgery are you thinking you would need me once a day or more than that ? Just not sure exactly what the expectations were and if I should potentially refer you to someone else that might have a little more time in their schedule . " Her : " 2x a day if not 3 depending on my daughter ( and some personal info about her schedule that I will keep private ) Ugh . . . I saw nugget tonight with his owner . He is so darn adorable . So I was a bit put off . She is not using him as a personal trainer because I can 't walk her dog 3x a day ? Ok . . . I now realize the crazy has appeared . We are 2 separate people with 2 separate businesses . I called him to tell him and he was not surprised . To tell you the truth , we were both a bit relieved . My issue was that she would see me almost daily for a week and she never told me what she needed from me . But she had no problem telling me about her broken couch . I chalked it all up to something that never should have happened in the first place and THEN she started texting my husband ! Him : " Hi ( potential client name ) . I 'm sorry to hear that . Deb 's schedule is very full and sometimes she can 't fit in as many new requests as she 'd like . If I may ask , why does this mean we can 't train together ? Our businesses are completely separate . " Him : She is the most accommodating person I 've ever known . Just because she can 't fit your schedule doesn 't mean she is blowing you off . She always offers referrals if she can 't do it . " Him again : " Well , from your response , I 'd say we wouldn 't work out anyway . Deb is in high demand for a reason . Just because she 's booked , there 's no need for tantrums . Good luck . " After I read this , we both immediately blocked her from our phones . Seems our empathy got the best of us , but somehow the universe made it all work out for the best . I don 't wish her harm and I hope that her health improves , but I also hope that I never have to speak to her again . This was a huge waste of time for both me and my husband and next time I will make it a point to confirm needs off the bat . For all I know she could have had a pretend conversation with me where she already told me and that 's why she got upset when I said know . Oddly enough , when I met her she had a friend of mine booked to walk her dog and just blew her off for 3 weeks . Since this turn of events I have learned a few things about her from neighbors and I consider us extremely lucky to have narrowly avoided working for her . It 's a new one , double firing before we were actually hired . I still shake my head in disbelief . Last week I was walking my normal dog through the normal old cemetery at St . Peters and I saw a man playing the flute on one of the benches . I thought to myself , " This is nice , I never get dog walking background music . " Then we passed by him and he changed the song for my dog that I had . She immediately was smiling and entranced . He was a nice man , told me how he lived in NY and was a professional musician . Then another dog came up to us who was barking incessantly . The lovely flutist starting playing a song to calm that dog down and it worked ! We all stood around , he took a few requests . . . . it was delightful . Could have stayed there all afternoon . There was a major leak from a pipe in the basement of one of the houses . They were repairing it for days ( days ) . I was told that there was a clog in the big pipe underground next to her house and they were having trouble unclogging it . I was there 4x / day for almost a week and kept an eye on the progress . The dog that I walk over there has a spinal deformity so I am extremely protective of him with bigger dogs , big steps , etc . One afternoon I saw that one of the construction workers had his dog with him ( A wheaten terrier ) , no leash . The dog was by his side and not moving so I left it alone . The next day I was there to walk the dog around 7 : 30 a . m . and he was there again . I didn 't know the dog was with him until he came bounding up to us in the parking lot ( off leash ) and startled the hell out of my clients dog . I picked my dog up and started yelling , " Who 's dog is this ? ? ! ! " The one guy starts calling for the dog to come back to him , but the dog is not listening . He is running all over the development at top speed , peeing on peoples houses , etc . I brought my dog inside , came back out and told him that this was an accident waiting to happen . As I was talking to him , he started to ignore me and stare at the work he was doing in the big hole that he dug . I finally got his attention and said that he can 't have his dog running loose around there . There are tons of dogs in that development and it 's not safe , plus Delaware Ave is about 100 ft away ! His reply , " Oh , he 's pretty good . He always comes to work with me . " I Shook my head and went to take care of the cat . Twenty minutes later I headed out to the next dog and at the end of the development I see a woman frantic on the phone . She had his dog closed in the small dog park area that is for the development . I heard her calling animal control and his cell . I went up to her , interrupted her call and told her that it was the dog of the stupid construction worker . She was livid ! She had been chasing the dog down to save him and was late for work because of his irresponsibiI started walking to my next job and couldn 't get this out of my head , so I texted both of my clients that lived there and got the # for their property manager . It was only 8 : 15 a . m . and the office didn 't open until 9 . I had no choice so I called the police first and tried to get this dog out of harms way . This is endangerment of the life of an animal and a bit of neglect . Not only is there a leash law , but I highly doubt that it is legal to bring a dog to a job site like this . Then I waited until 9 and called the property manager to try to get them to put a stop to this . THEY hired the guy , I 'm sure they did not want the liability of having a strange dog running around their property that is under construction . Then my client called the property manager after I did . I don 't know what the outcome was , but I did not see the dog after that . I hope he was home and safe and not meandering around the city by himself . It is frightening how irresponsible people can be with their dogs ! It also amazes me that the 10 other workers with him had NOTHING to say to him regarding this . Just kept their mouths shut and looked down . When you keep your mouth shut and stare at the ground , nothing will ever change . I had a pretty bad experience at the front desk of a particular building for the past 3 days . I wanted to mention it to the management office of that building , but I wanted to call them directly ( not go through the front desk ) I tried to google their phone number , but I could not find it . What I DID find was a leasing company that works with that building . They are called TCS Management . In fact , they were the first to pop up on my Google search when I googled the apartment building . Common sense says that since they work with that building and leasing , they would have the number to the management office . I called them . I was treated like crap . I wrote a yelp review . The owner sent me a message , again , treating me like crap . Here is the sequence of events should you be interested . I called this morning to ask if the had a phone number for the management office of apartment building where I do some work . They rent out properties in that building , so I assumed that they would have the phone number to the management office . ( I couldn 't find it online and did not want to speak to the front desk ) The first guy that I spoke with told me that he didn 't know the number , that they don 't work with that building , put me on hold , and then came back to keep repeating that they deal with renting properties and cannot help me . When I responded , he hung up on me . Then I called right back to say , " Hey , maybe you shouldn 't hang up on people that are just trying to get a phone number of a property that you work with . " The other guy that answered the phone called me " Buddy " ( I am a 35 yr old woman ) and basically hung up on me again . I own my own business and when someone calls me to ask a question , I am completely respectful to them , even if I cannot help them . These people are awful and rude for no reason . Debbie , I appreciate your quest . However , we are real estate agency and brokers . Unfortunately we are not Google . Your rant is sheepish , you are complaining that you want our staff to work for you to get a phone number for another business and give you a specific individuals number in a company we have no relationship with . Furthermore , when we googled a number for you , you refused to go through that firms switch board or and I quote their front desk . Welcome to Earth . Wow ! This was from the OWNER OF THE BUSINESS ! His one employee hung up on me for asking for a phone number that I assumed they had . Then when I called back to say , " Hey , I just called to ask you some help . There is no need to hang up on me when I am just asking if you have a phone number . " , his other employee says , " Yeah , we 're a leasing office . Good luck with that Buddy ! " Treated me like I was a lunatic calling to ask them why the sky was blue ! No apology , nothing . Owner of the business ALSO treated me like shit for asking if they had a phone number to a building that they work with . Once again , your professionalism is just outstanding . I wasn 't asking you to be Google , I was asking you for a phone number of a building that you do business with . If you can 't help me , you say , " I 'm sorry , we cannot help you . " As a professional business , you do not hang up on a person who is not being rude and you do not call them " buddy " . Way to go , you are even more awful than I originally thought . Here is my point . If someone that worked for me treated someone like that , I would apologize profusely ! Publicly ! What has become of people that they can 't just treat other humans with respect ? This is a disgrace and I can only say that if you are thinking about using these people , think again . They don 't deserve the business if the owner himself cannot treat a person with the same respect and dignity that he would expect . Update * * * Later in the evening he went on my business page and gave me a 1 star review ( although he has never done business with me , or even had a conversation with me about my business ) I reported him and blocked him . THEN he goes BACK on Yelp and under my review writes " Likewise " . An hour later he erases that and writes , " Just remove your post and I will follow suit . If you do not , I will act accordingly . . . " Then a short while after that he erases it . Can we say toddler tantrum ? ? Honestly , all he had to respond with either privately or publicly was , " I 'm sorry that my employee hung up on you and treated you like that for asking a question . That is unacceptable . " Instead he tells me that they are not google and " welcome to earth . " He will not win with the threats , toddlers cannot always have their way . Philadelphia is a CRAZY city full of CRAZY people . I am out walking the streets all day long , so I come across more things on a daily basis than most people see in a month . I just want to share some things that I have seen and dealt with recently . Today in a center city highrise I was standing at the front desk waiting for an apartment key . There are 2 sets of automatic doors that open to enter the building . A priest and his assistant walked in about 5 minutes after me and the priest says , " Wow ! I feel like Moses with these doors just opening for me ! " 10th St has the lady who does not want dog pee on her tree or plants , so she covers them with chicken wire . It is an ugly disaster , but it keeps the dogs away . . . . 8th st has the guy that comes out of his house if you park in front of it and your tire is touching the curb . He had to repair the curb once before ( and he did an AWFUL job ) so now he comes out of his house immediately to make you move your tire . Washington Square Park has had its share of grown men urinating in the plant beds at around 5pm right in front of me . Three separate urinators in a 24 hr period . No shame . My previous posts on " The Bitch of Bella Vista " was on the news because she pissed off the wrong person and he left dog poo at her door . See link to video below . She wants to shoot him . Thursday on 10th St there was a man on a bike that stopped to finish his can of soda and then throw it on the ground . He started to take off and I yelled , " Did you just throw that can on the ground ? " and he replied , " Yeah ! Fuck you ! " ( I assume you can imagine how the rest of our conversation went ) But it ended up with ME picking the can up and putting it in a recycling bin that was 10 ft away from where he was stopped . The man on Mildred that barks at the 2 dogs that we walk , but then gets put off when they lunge at him . ( Um . . . don 't bark at 2 big dogs on the street ) Then he proceeds to tell us how mean and aggressive they are when they bark at him through the window . We constantly tell him that they are just protecting their home . . . that 's what dogs do . . . . He will never get it . The park that is redone and has a " human only area " but then the little humans are allowed to infiltrate the dog area without adult supervision . Not only is it full of urine and feces , these parents let their kids wander up to strange dogs without intervening . ( I literally had to point and yell , " Who belongs to this child ? ? These dogs are not kid friendly . " The highrise elevators where the residents are either really friendly or really cold . The more money they have , the less they want to acknowledge the " dogwalker " You never know what you will get - it 's a crap shoot every time . The dog park where you are walking up with a big dog and you see a 3 year old boy climbing the gated door to the dog park while his mom gets something from the car . Then he starts trying to punch the dog that is walking by him , like a professional boxer . Like punch punch punch punching the air next to the dog saying , " I 'm gonna punch you dog . I 'm gonna punch you . " And the mom says , " Don 't do that . It got teeth . It 'll bite you . " And then he proceeds to fight her on her argument . That 's it - that 's all he was told . That dog owner was horrified , as was I . This is just a bit of what my day to day life is around these crazy parts . Be sure that there are more stories to come . Summer is here ! Well , nearly . . . but it is vacation season and beach season ! Well . . . . for everyone else . This is the time of year when I reevaluate my life . How many hours do I work ? Why haven 't I taken an actual vacation since 2011 ? Am I charging enough for my services ( when I am walking around in 100 degree weather , barely able to breathe ) ? Should I take summers off since I don 't handle the heat well ? Do I take on too much ? Do I deserve to have an actual life that does not involve work ? Am I offending people by saying no ? These questions run through my brain all day everyday . People say that your job does not define you . Well , in my case it does . I kind of live and breathe animals . I wake up to 4 cats in the bed , I feed the brood every morning , and then I leave the house at 7 : 30 a . m . to walk and feed other animals until about 3pm where I come and take care of my animals again . I rest a bit , and then go back out to take care of other peoples animals . Then I come home to clean up after my own . Sometimes along the way I find stray kittens that I have to bring home to save . ( Yes , this happened 2 weeks ago ) I have sacrificed a social life as well as my free time for the past 6 years . Don 't get me wrong , I was always a workaholic . The difference was that when I worked for a company , they forced me to use vacation days . Boy do I miss that ! I try to please everyone and say yes when they need me . It 's nice to feel needed , but it sucks to feel the pressure of feeling SO needed that my own life suffers . I used to stay overnight with dogs all the time . When I was in my early 20 's and lived in a crappy apartment with no cable and no washer / dryer , staying in an adult setup was a pleasure ! Now I am married with my own house , cable , and appliances and I just want my own bed ! I will do overnights from time to time , but when I do them I don 't sleep very well and my cats go a little nutty . It is a lucrative service that is needed often , but it just became extremely tough . My business has grown and it has gotten to a point where I need to turn people down . Not because I want to , but because there is literally not enough time in the day to accommodate everyone . I 've had people beg , offer me a towncar with a driver , offer me double me rate , guilt trip me , and for what ? I have been doing this for 15 years at this point . Two weeks ago I actually had a newer client request 2 walks one day . When I got back to her about doing the walks , she said , " Oh ! I saw that you just rescued 2 kittens . It seems like you have a lot on your plate , so I got other coverage . " I was shocked and grateful and honestly a little teary because it made me realize that I can 't remember anyone ever saying this to me before . In 15 years ! I take on last minute requests . I help people out who are having emergent situations . My phone goes off from 6 a . m . until 11 p . m . I try to do whatever I can to make my clients happy and to make them realize how much I really do care about them as well as their pets . My entire day is filled with texts and emails asking , " Can you . . . ? Will you . . . Are you available . . . ? Can you ? Can you ? Can you ? " It is extremely overwhelming and sometimes I just shut down and I do not answer until the next day . Some people get concerned if they don 't hear back within a few hours . I need at least 24 hours to be able to respond . As I turned 35 this year , I realized that my own life has been put aside for work . I am taking a stand this year and making doctors appointments , taking beach days , and basically just giving myself a moment to breathe . Instead of filling every waking moment with work and catering to others , I am giving myself a cutoff time in the day where I will not do any more visits . It is nothing personal to anyone . If I say no , it is not because I hate you or because I am blowing you off . I am just one person and I can only do so much in a 24 hour period . If I don 't set limits for myself , I will just work until I crash . So for those of you reading this that care , these are things that you c1 ) Plan ahead ! Nothing worse than last minute trips you feel like you have to fit into your busy schedule 5 ) Make sure to be respectful and appreciative of your sitter and not treat them like hired help that doesn 't deserve a life of their own . We are in the service business , but we are not your slaves . 6 ) Treat us like adults . We are not 16 year old girls walking dogs after school . This is our livelihood , and although it is exhausting , we love it . Remember . You trust us with your house , your keys , and your 4 legged kids . We hold that trust close to our hearts and we protect your house and keys and 4 legged kids . We lock your doors , turn on your alarms , deal with the police when the alarm unexpectedly goes off , and we make sure your animals are safe and healthy . It is as though you are all family to us . Your fur kids are our fur kids too . We just want to feel like we are appreciated . The old saying is really true . Picture it : It is 7 am on a Sunday morning and I am walking the dog that I just slept with for 3 days . She woke me up at 6 and after trying to sleep for a little bit longer , I gave her breakfast and medicine and we headed out the door . This morning I also had another dog to get to around 7 : 30 as well as a diabetic cat over 12 blocks away . Instead of going our usual route up to 4th and Washington , I decided to change it up and walk down Queen . She peed a few times and we were passing Mario Lanza Park where she likes to roll around in the grass . ( only dog that I walk that stops mid walk to plop down in the grass and roll around ) Before I go any further , let 's keep in mind that this dog has a dog park on one side and then " dog free " grass . Why is it dog free ? Can they not sit down in it ? Can they just not use it as a bathroom ? It says it is a family friendly area , but I have seen families bring their dog with them to sit in the grass and picnic . I also passed by 2 piles of poop in said " family friendly dog free area " . Anyway , it 's 7 am on a Sunday and I am just trying to get her to do her business and enjoy her outside time . She walks over to the edge of the grass next to the bench where there is pretty much just dirt and leaves and she poops . As a am standing there with poop bag on my hand waiting for her to finish , someone comes out of their house across the street with a dog to tell me that they really like to keep that area " dog free . " At 7am . On a Sunday . She is going on about how the grass dies and how they seed and it 's backbreaking work . . . . yada yada . I am literally on the edge of the grass PICKING UP THE POOP and looking at her as though she is crazy . I told her that I understand ( which is true ) , but I am not IN the grass . And that she likes to roll around , it 's her thing . Why wouldn 't that be allowed in a park ? They have fenced the area to seed it in the winter , I have seen it . I know it 's costly and a big pain , but here is the issue that I see . This is a PUBLIC park . The park is in the middle of a neighborhood with hundreds if not thousands of dogs . Grass is scarce in the city - this park has 2 areas of grass . Even if you walk a dog by the park , they say to themselves , " LOOK ! IT ' S GRASS ! ! " The only way to even attempt to keep the hundreds of dogs off this grass is to build a fence around it . Even then , people would still feel entitled to put their dogs in the fenced area . There is no such thing as a " dog free area " in this city , no matter how many people want to think that there is . Trying to keep an area " dog free " is pretty much the equivalent saying that Philly restaurants are " child free zones . " It is crazy and it 's not gonna happen . If you put a bench out , someone will sit on it . If you have grass , a dog will pee on it . That 's just how it is . People bring their dogs ANYWHERE they want , regardless of signs , manners , or even laws . I have seen people bring dogs into fenced in playgrounds with kids on Fitzwater between 9th and 10th . I have also seen people put their dogs in the tiny fenced area on Bainbridge between 3rd and 4th . They literally took the space to plant flowers down the strip between parked cars and people plop their dogs in there People don 't care , they will bring their dogs anywhere . And in a park with no fence that so many dogs walk through on a daily basis ? Come on Queen Village Neighbors Association . It 's nice to think that you can keep the grass dog free , but you can 't . I understand where you are coming from completely , but it is a futile effort . Especially when the 3 other neighborhood parks are closed and being renovated . And you know what ? Public parks not only have dogs wanting to use them as a bathroom , but they have neighborhood cats and human beings that use parks as bathrooms when no one is around . Trust me , I have seen it all . There is human as much human pee on city surfaces as there is dog and cat pee . And to have someone come out to talk to me about it at 7am on a Sunday when I am picking up poop on the edge of the grass is just ridiculous . How about going after those who are leaving poop piles everywhere ? Or those who insist on walking their dogs off leash through the park ? Choose your battles QVNA people , I 'm not the one that is causing any kind of trouble in this neighborhood . I am all about the safety and cleanliness of the streets . Watch out for those people that are actually breaking a law before you confront them on a Sunday morning at 7am and scold them for doing their job and obeying the law . Summer is here ! Well , nearly . . . but it is vacation season and beach season ! Well . . . . for everyone else . This is the time of year when I re . . . Oh boy , are you people in for a crazy story ! A few weeks ago I was walking a dog in in neighborhood and Terry came to pick me up . There are . . . I have been a vet tech since 1998 and a pet sitter in Philadelphia since 2001 . I worked at Center City Animal Clinic from 2001 - 2005 and then at Queen Village Animal Hospital from 2005 - 2010 . Throughout that time , I was pet sitting on the side . Before work , after work , lunch breaks , weekends . . . until I finally decided to just do it full time ! I spend my days walking from house to house , meeting people along the way , and seeing strange Philadelphia happenings as well . I love the animals and I love to write . I hoped to combine the two to provide entertaining stories that will hopefully end up being in a book one day . Ahem . . : ) |
Well , I realize that I have not been keeping up with this blog regularly but that 's because I really haven 't had anything interesting to write about ! My days are very routine which makes my day fairly uninteresting . Everyday small interesting things happen , and I believe I finally have enough to fill up a post ! First of all , my year is not going well . My second year of teaching has been far more difficult than my first year . Due to circumstances beyond my control my job has become very stressful . I have twenty very busy four year olds in my class who really need constant attention . Without going into detail I can say that I do not have the help I need to keep my classroom running smoothly . Since this post is open for anyone to read that is all I can say about that matter . I can also say that teaching pre - k is not joke . Many people think that my students play all day , but that is absolutely not true . There is a lot of teaching going on during the day , even during " work time " . My lesson plans may be written for me , but implementing those lessons is a lot of work ! There is a lot of preparation that needs to be done , but no planning time ! That 's right folks ! I have no lunch break , and no planning period ! It 's no wonder I am stressed ! That is all I 'm going to vent about for today . Even though my students drive me crazy , they also make me smile and laugh . The other day two of my students invited me into their " restaurant " for some strawberry soup . Well that soup sounded so delicious that I couldn 't refuse the invitation ! I sat down at the table and my order was taken . KS promptly brought me a bowl of his famous strawberry soup . After requesting a spoon I began eating my soup . After about my third taste of soup KS informed me that the soup had germs in it . Not only were they germs , they were worm germs ! Can you believe that boy fed me worm - germ soup ! ? I quickly spit out my soup and asked for my money back ! He then informed me that there was a no refund policy ! He did offer to replace my worm - germ soup with a turkey sandwich . After he assured me that the sandwich had no worm germs , I agreed to eat the sandwich . After several bites he admitted that the sandwich also had worm germs ! I told him that he was going to have to clean up his restaurant or else I 'd have to report him to the health department ! My dear sweet MB is the reason I have five more gray hairs on my head ! Even though he drives me nuts , he is absolutely my favorite student . He throws tantrums , tells me how angry he is at me , kicks , hits , and pushes people , ( he has not bitten in weeks ) , he knocks down block structures , and sometimes dances on the carpet with no pants on , but I love him ! He is one of the sweetest , kindest children I have ever met . Yesterday we had a student with autism come visit our class during rest time . She saw my students laying down and decided that she also needed to lay down . She happened to lay down next to MB . That sweet little boy not only offered her his mat , but he also offered her his blanket AND told her that she could have one of our snacks when she got up ! Today we ate lunch in our classroom and I rescued his lunch bag from falling on the floor . He looked at me with those sweet eyes and said " Mrs . Hainey , thank you so much for catching my bag " . He is VERY polite , and gives the sweetest apologies . Even though he repeats the naughty behaviors I still think his apologies are sincere , he just doesn 't have the strategies needed to behave . I am afraid that his future teachers will not see him for the sweet person he is , and will break his spirit . He really needs someone who will see his strengths and love him . He is a very special person and I believe he can be a very successful person in the future if he is handled with care during these early learning years . Now I will address that crazy blog post title . Let me start by telling you that technology has not been my friend lately . I have put in tickets to the I . T . department because of SmartBoard issues several times in the past two weeks . The first problem occurred because the bulb blew on my projector . When the tech came in to replace it dust flew EVERYWHERE ! About an hour after the bulb was changed a " clean filter " warning popped up on the board and the projector turned off after about ten minutes of use . I put in another ticket for that issue . Every time the projector turned off I blamed my student ES . I told the class that she used her magic powers to turn it off . She told me that it was the dust that turned it off ( I don 't know how she knew that ) but I still blamed her every time . Anyways , the tech eventually came in and told me that we needed canned air to blow into the vents of the projector in order to clean the filter . I told him that I did not believe that was sufficient . I let him know that the last guy who cleaned my filter opened the projector and took the filter out to fix it . He insisted that his way would work . After he " fixed " the problem , the problem persisted . In the mean time , my SmartBoard stopped responding to touch , so I had to put in ANOTHER TICKET ! The same darn technician came in and told me that I needed a new SmartBoard and that he 'd expedite a ticket to the person in charge of Smart Technology . He also told me to get a can of air and blow it into the vents to see if the projector problem would go away . Well , after he left I restarted my computer and magically fixed the touch feature on the SmartBoard . What does this have to do with burning you might ask ? Well , ten minutes is not a very long time to have the SmartBoard on and I was getting irritated with it turning off in the middle of my lessons , so I decided to take the technicians advice and blow it out . THAT WAS A BAD IDEA ! He neglected to tell me that I needed to make sure the projector had completely cooled off before blowing it out . Posted by Yesterday was a terrible , horrible , no good , very bad day ! It all started with a sore throat . I was on day two of a sore throat and day two was much worse than day one ! After waking up to a sore throat I learned that it was going to be a very rainy day . Rainy days are my least favorite because there is no recess on rainy days ! I was truly dreading going into work , but I decided that I 'd just have to get through the day . As it turns out , I should have stayed home ! This was by far the worst teaching day I 've had to date ! I picked up my kids from breakfast at 7 : 30 . About half of my students are zoned for another school and take a shuttle bus to my building . The shuttle bus always arrives late and therefore , I only had about half of my class when I picked them up . I brought the kids into my room and they began the normal routine of unpacking , signing in , getting on the computers , and looking at books . Well , the rain must have impacted the brains of my students because they appeared to have completely forgotten how to behave and look at books . I told them to pick up the books and put them away . I was upset at their behavior and told them to just sit quietly for a few minutes until the rest of our class got there . While they were sitting there doing absolutely nothing one of my evaluation team members came in to observe me ! Since it 's my second year teaching I have to go through evaluations in order to earn my permanent certification . So , I was feeling kinda nervous , and I was getting hot . I quickly began a rhythm activity and the rest of my students finally came into the classroom . As my kids came in , I noticed a child that I didn 't recognize . As it turns out , it was my quintuplet 's brother ! He decided to take the shuttle bus from his zoned school and spend the morning at our school ! I wasn 't quite sure how to handle the situation because I was being evaluated ! So , I asked my assistant to please call his mother . While she went and called the child 's mother I began my morning activities . My students acted as if they had never been in school before ! They were bouncing around , talking to each other , hitting one another , and crawling around . In the mean time my evaluator is sitting in the back of the room writing away ! On top of that , I still didn 't feel well ! All that singing and dancing about killed me ! One of my students had a tantrum and when my assistant came back to our activities she was less than helpful ! Apparently she could not get in touch with the mother of the stow away ! Finally we transitioned into small group time . The child having the tantrum continued to misbehave during small group , but everyone else did just fine . Thank goodness the evaluator left immediately after small group time . I was able to call the school the stow away was zoned for and let them know the situation . They said they 'd call me back . They never did call me back and I very shortly found out why . The extra kid was fine during morning activities , small group , and center time . When it was time to clean up , I learned that this child was less than charming ! All of the sudden he became very difficult and disobedient ! I asked him why he came on the bus to our school and he gave me one of those smiles kids give when they are about to lie . He said " My mom told me to " . I said " No , she didn 't " . He replied by scowling and saying " BECAUSE MY TEACHER ALWAYS GIVES ME SAD FACES ! " I decided it was time to take that child to the office . I have my own naughty children to deal with and I didn 't need to deal with anymore ! Things calmed down a bit after lunch . We watched a few stories online and took an extended rest . During rest time I went to a meeting . I was telling my team members about these really cute crafts I ordered for my kids to do after our trip to the farm . I was so excited about them . I was even more excited after the meeting when I found out that my package had been delivered ! I picked up the package and took it to my room . I couldn 't wait to open it ! After opening it I quickly realized that the adorable craft I had ordered was not in the box . I checked the paperwork and not only did it say that the craft was indeed in the box , I was also charged for it . I wasted no time contacting an unfriendly customer service representative . She informed me that they were out of stock and that 's why the item was not in my box . I was really upset , but she credited my account ( which shouldn 't have been charged in the first place ) . I was so mad that I threatened to return the rest of my items . She replied by letting me know that I 'd need a special permission code and that I 'd have to pay for shipping ! I was having a bad day . My students continued to act as if they had never been to school and they drove me nuts for the rest of the day . Needless to say , my throat took a beating ! Just as the clock was about to strike two one of my lovely students decided to scratch another student on the face ! His face was bleeding ! I had to take him to the nurse . I was so close to the end of the day , but they day found one more thing to throw at me ! A lot has happened in the past month ! I am still loving my students more and more every day ! I am up to 18 students and will have my 19th on Monday . My kiddos are getting better and better at following the rules , and they basically know the daily routine . Going from kindergarten to pre - k has been a difficult adjustment , but it 's getting easier . In pre - k there is a lot of tattling , pushing , hitting , kicking , spitting , talking , and all around selfishness . I hear a lot of " I 'm not your friend anymore , " and " He 's being mean , " and " I 'm telling on you ! " All of these things are pretty normal for a typical 4 year old . At least once a day somebody knocks over someone else 's block structure , or struggles over a desired toy . I can handle all of those problems with ease . What I cannot wrap my head around is biting ! YES BITING ! At 4 years old I figured most kids are out of the biting phase but as luck would have it , I have been blessed with a child who is not ! This child I am speaking about , MB , is my most challenging student . He is usually the culprit when someone is pushed , kicked , hit , or any other number of naughty things . One day out of the blue , MB walked up to another student and without warning BIT HIM ON THE SHOULDER ! Thank god he bit the child through the clothes because this boy had a nice quarter sized bite mark on him ! I was unsure of how I was supposed to handle this situation , but I knew I had to remove him from my classroom . Not only was I really angry that he did that , but I also needed to get him away from my other kids . My dilemma was that MB didn 't appear to be angry or upset when he bit him and therefore I had no idea why he bit the child . Also , I wasn 't entirely sure what a developmentally appropriate punishment would be . So , unfortunately I took him to the main office where I ran into someone in charge . I will not disclose this person because who knows who 's reading this ! The person in charge looked at me as if I was crazy and as if to say " What do you want me to do about it ? " This person didn 't even think it was necessary to take the bitten child to the nurse for documentation . I was beyond angry and took the child to the nurse anyways . The nurse agreed that the situation was serious enough to warrant being looked at and documented . I decided that day that I would no longer take MB to the office for behavior . Even though I had made the decision not to take MB to the office again , my decision was not kept . About a week after the biting incident MB was tantruming because he didn 't want to go to time out . He had been particularly naughty that day and I had had enough . While he was tantruming and refusing to go to time out he wrapped his little legs and arms around my right leg . I proceeded to walk towards the time out chair when all of the sudden I felt a pain right below my butt . I stopped and looked at him with my eyes wide and my mouth hanging opened and said " Did you just bite me ? " I could not believe he had done that ! I picked him up SO fast and marched right back down to the office . Thankfully there was another person of authority in the office this time who takes biting very seriously and the child was removed from my room for the remainder of the school day . Unfortunately the child was suspended which I didn 't think was appropriate at all ! I could go on and on about the biting , but to wrap it up , he had one more incident with biting a few days after the leg / butt bite and was suspended once again . We had a meeting about his behavior and hopefully we will find a way to help him . This post is getting longer than I anticipated , but I must write about my newest student . He is adorable , and very active , and very sweet , and he is a quintuplet ! All five quints are boys , they have an older brother who is only 8 months older than them , and another brother several years older than them ! He has been a bit of a handful , but he is very bright and I think once he settles in , he 'll be alright . Finally , this job has been very stressful . I have done paperwork , and trainings , and meetings and learned a new program , and I am tired ! Not to mention I don 't always have the help I need . I cannot go into more details on the last part because again , I have no idea who is reading this . I feel like I never get through everything I have to do because I do not get a break , and I 'm always being pulled for meetings , although the meetings have calmed down in the last two weeks or so . I am also going through my evaluation this year and that is also very stressful ! On the positive side , I won a contest through Sonic ( thanks to several people who spent hours typing in codes and voting for me ) and I have an incubator and will be getting fertile duck eggs for my classroom ! WOOHOO ! Also thanks to the people who donated to my project before I won the contest . Yesterday was my first day teaching four year old pre - k . It was exhausting ! I have been back to work for about four weeks now but up until yesterday I had no students . People kept telling me how lucky I was not to have kids yet , and how lucky I am that I don 't have to write my own lesson plans . I can tell you one thing . I am NOT as lucky as they think ! People don 't seem to understand the prep work and paperwork that pre - k requires . They also don 't understand that we have to test children into the program and do home visits ! I can promise you I was not sitting around eating chocolates for the past few weeks ! Well , yesterday went just like you might imagine . I had a few tears in the morning , but not nearly as many as I thought I 'd have . I had some concerned parents . I had children who act as if they 've never heard the words no , or stop before . . . and maybe they haven 't . I also learned the names of a few students very quickly . Those of you who are teachers know that the kids whose names you learn first , are they ones that drive you nuts ! I had one boy MS who had very little self control and talked a lot . I have already named a few of my gray hairs after him ! Here 's an example of MS . " Mrs . Hainey is it time to play ? I want to play with the dinosaurs . When are we going to play ? Can I get some water ? I gotta pee . Is it time to play now ? Can I eat the cookies ? I want to eat the cookies . Mrs . Hainey is it time to play now ? " Imagine all that coming out of a four year old in about the span of five minutes ! He drove me nuts ! But he is the cutest thing I 've ever seen and I think that once I get him trained he will be just fine ! Today he knocked over some one 's block tower . I said " MS why did you knock down her tower ? " He replied " because it 's fun to knock stuff down ! " I think pre - k will be a great adventure and I am looking forward to falling in love with a new group of kids . I am going to try to stay positive and give my students opportunities that they would not otherwise have . I guess in a way all those teachers were right . I am really lucky . I have students that smile at me every morning even when they 've nothing to smile about . They already love me and look up to me . I think it 's an honor to be allowed to work with and get to know these precious children . Today was my very first , last day of school as a teacher . My day was fairly low key and unemotionial . I only had two students show up and therefore I was able to finish packing up my room . A more emotional day was last Tuesday when my students had their Kindergarten Celebration ! We no longer call them graduations because . . . . well . . . I don 't know why . My students worked VERY hard to learn the song Happiniess from You 're A Good Man Charlie Brown . It is a very difficult song because there is really no refrain . We worked on that song at least three or five times a day for about three weeks . My kids were the JAM and they were really excited about performing for their parents . The big day came and all but two students showed up on time . They were dressed in their suits and dresses and looked simply adorable . The crowd was large and I was pretty nervous . I am not a very good public speaker , and I was expected to say a few words about my class and my assistant . When it came time for my students to perform we all stood nicely on stage and the music started . We started singing when I noticed that something was not quite right . We were supposed to be singing to a cd without vocals but as the song went on I realized the music teacher had put in the WRONG TRACK ! This would be perfectly fine if the vocals on the track were singing the same lyrics as us ! ! I don 't think anyone but me and the music teacher noticed . Throughout the program the parents were loud , inconsiderate , and rude . It made me a little angry because my students had worked so hard practicing and the parents acted as if they were at a party or something . After the program I had ten students stay at school and seven students go home . Each day following the celebration I had less and less students and today I was down to my final two . I was not emotional or sad when the day ended , but I did a lot of reflecting on how my year went and what I could have done better . When I started teaching I was insecure and knew nothing about what I really needed to do in order to teach my students . As I got to know my students , administrators and co - workers I started to get better and better at teaching . By February or March I felt like I had a good handle on teaching . I realized that there were major changes that needed to be made in order to make my next group of students successful . I sorta felt like I let my current students down by not teaching as effectively as I knew I could do next year . I quickly realized that I did my best with what I had and that my students were given a lot of new experiences that they would not have had if they were in a different class . I believe that even if my students don 't have the highest test scores , or the best writing and reading skills , they have a lot of confidence and experience and therefore they will thrive in first grade . A few weeks ago I found out that my position was being eliminated , and then I found out that my principal is retiring . Neither of those things were very good news . I love my principal and I was afraid that if she left I would not get a position in my school next fall . She assured me that she is working on getting me a contract and I believe her . I really feel like that school is where I am meant to be . I recently found out about an opening at my school in the 4K program . I expect to hear in the next week or two whether I have the position or not . All in all I have had a really fantastic year . I have met some wonderful teachers , made some awesome friends , and taught the most precious kindergartners I have ever worked with . I have fallen in love with teaching and can 't wait to do it again next year . If you have read any of my posts , you know that I adore my students and absolutely LOVE my job . The school year is almost over and I have had some ups and downs during my first year . Initially I was overwhelmed . I felt as if I had no support system and I really had no idea what I was doing . I did my best and my efforts were definitely recognized . Eventually I found my support system and became very comfortable with the team of teachers I am working with . I know that I was not perfect and that I would change a few choices I made , but overall , I am proud of the work I did this year as a first year teacher . Over the past few months I have been reflecting on my strengths and weaknesses as a teacher and I had big plans to create amazing lessons for my next class of students . I was truly excited about summer break not because I am burnt out , but because I wanted to get working on next years plans ! Yesterday I got some very upsetting news . My principal informed me that the projected numbers for next school year are not high enough to warrant a fourth kindergarten , therefore , I was placed on the surplus list . That means that if there are any openings in the district , I will be given an interview with the principals before any newbies . My principal is hoping the numbers will go up enough for the district to add my class back on , but she wants me to weigh my options if another opportunity comes along . I am not sure how I am feeling about this news . I have definitely been going through some phases in my feelings . When she first told me the news I was in shock and wasn 't upset in the least . She had told me just last month not to worry about next year ! Once the shock wore off and I told people the news I got a little nervous . Now is not the time to lose your job ! Most people assured me that if I didn 't get a job at my current school , I 'd find one in the district elsewhere . That 's all fine and good , but I have my dream job and am afraid I will have to take a job that I really don 't want . After feeling nervous I became sad . I shed a few tears once I got home but quickly changed my feelings to being overwhelmed . I am currently packing up my house and cannot even fathom having to pack up my classroom . I have no place to put all my teacher stuff ! I am not sure how I feel right now . I need to stay positive so that I can continue to serve the students that I love . I am trying not to let this news interfere with my teaching , but it is hard . In this economy I am lucky to have found a job at all . I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to teach these children this school year . I have learned so much , and no matter what my future brings , the memories and lessons I have learned this year will always be close to my heart . I am hoping to get my job back , or a job in my current school , but if God has other plans for me , I say " Bring it on ! " Today was a very fun ( and kind of annoying ) day ! Since it was April Fools day , I thought I 'd better think of some jokes to play on my kids . I was a little bit hesitant to do anything because I knew that if I started tricking them , they would continue with the jokes all day long ! When my students walked into class telling me I had bugs on my head I knew that they already knew about the April Fools tradition ! I decided to start out with a simple prank . I got the book " Arthur 's April Fools " and had the students sit down on the carpet . I warned them not to say anything while I was reading . I also reminded them that talking during books would result in a color change . I picked up the book , turned it upside down and started reading it . Immediately I heard things like " Mrs . Hainey the book , " and I quickly interrupted and said " Stop talking while I 'm reading . " I continued reading and had two or three other students try to tell me that the book was upside down . I quickly scolded them and threatened to change their colors . They didn 't know what to do . Finally by about page two or three , they started raising their hands ! They were looking at each other in disbelief ! It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen . After a few pages reading upside down was making me nauseas so I called on a student who had his hand up , and he politely let me know that the book was upside down . After that , my kids wanted to trick me all day long ! I decided that one prank just wasn 't good enough so I thought up an even better one . I told my students that the cafeteria ran out of food , so we 'd be eating fried worms . At first they didn 't believe me , but after a few minutes I had several students questioning it , and some students who totally believed me . It was hard to get them into the cafeteria because they wouldn 't stop chatting about the fried worms . When we finally got there I noticed on student in line crying . I said " J , what 's wrong ? " and he said " I don 't want to eat worms ! " I told him that when he got his tray just to let the lunch ladPosted by About 22 days ago I began the hatching process with my kindergartners . I didn 't know a thing about hatching chicks , but I did know that if it worked it would be an experience that my students would remember forever . I borrowed the incubator and egg turner from the Clemson Extension program . They also provided the eggs ! The woman in charge brought me 14 fertilized eggs and kept on saying things like " You have to keep water in the pan for humidity . I know you probably already know this . " The truth is . . . I knew NOTHING . I had no idea that eggs needed to be turned or that the eggs needed high humidity . The most memorable thing she told me was that I would have to " dispose of the chickens " ( don 't worry , I 'm giving them to a farmer ) . I learned a lot really fast and just hoped that everything would turn out well . My students kept a journal where they wrote about the development inside the eggs every five days . We looked at pictures of developing eggs and talked about what new body parts had developed . My FABULOUS father made me a brooder box complete with a heat lamp , a clear front , and chicken decor on the exterior . As the days went on my students ( and the whole school ) got very excited . I became really nervous that my chicks would not hatch . My classroom had become a hot topic in the building and I did not want to fail . After candling some of my eggs I could see that several were developing , but there were a few that had not . I did not look at all the eggs or discard the duds , so I really had no idea what to expect on hatching day . By day 20 I began to panic . Eggs usually hatch in 21 days . I was not sure if the chicks would start pecking by day 20 but I really wanted to see some signs of hatching . I had convinced myself that my chicks were not going to hatch . That night I went out and bought supplies for a hatching day party ( just in case my instincts were wrong ) . I bought chick / egg garland , peeps , and chick lollipops . On day 21 I nervously walked down the hallway to my classroom . I unlocked my door , put my purse down , and then . . . I heard it . I heard noise coming from the incubator . I peeked inside and there was a hatched chick ! I screamed a loud scream and ran down the hallway . I had to find SOMEONE , ANYONE to tell the good news to . It was only 6 : 30 , so there weren 't a whole lot of people at work yet ! After delivering the good news , I made a Happy Hatch Day poster , and put it on my door . I was a very proud chick mama . When my students got to school they were beyond excited . The rest of the school was also excited ! I think I had half of my school walk through my classroom that day . By the end of the day I had two hatched chicks and two eggs that had begun to crack ! Day 22 was very exciting . I knew some more chicks had probably hatched . I was thinking I would have a total of three to five chicks all together . You can 't even imagine how surprised I was when I saw FIVE chicks in my incubator that morning ! That brought my total to SEVEN ! I was told that a 50 % hatch rate was really impressive and I had gotten there . My students were eager to look at the chicks and they asked to hold them several times . I was still pretty nervous about those babies , so I told them no . I think I will let them hold them tomorrow if they still want to . The reason I say that is because in order to get my students to stop asking to hold the chicks , I had to tell them that there was poop on the chick 's feet and therefore , they shouldn 't hold them . They stopped asking pretty quick , but proceeded to tell EVERYONE that there was poop on the chick 's feet . We had several more visitors . There was one egg that had been struggling to escape all day long . I watched it for a good two hours , but it made very slow progress . I am really looking forward to seeing if he made it ! I will be pretty sad if he doesn 't ! I believe that kindergartners need meaningful , first hand experiences . That is what I am trying hard to give them . If they only remember one thing about kindergarten , I hope this experience is it ! I know that I will remember it for a lifetime ! St . Patrick 's day was very exciting in our classroom ! It all started about a week before the holiday . My students received a letter from a leprechaun ! Of course my students had NO idea what a leprechaun was , so sadly , I had to explain it to them . They were so excited about that pesky leprechaun and they blamed him for EVERYTHING ! If a light bulb blew , they blamed him . If the computers didn 't work they blamed him . If someone got hurt on the playground , they blamed him . The ultimate goal was got get some leprechaun gold , but that tricky leprechaun left us leprechaun POOP instead ! My students were unbelievably excited about eating leprechaun poop , but they kept their eye on the prize . After a few exchanges between the students and our leprechaun ( Seamus ) he actually started writing individual notes and left kids leprechaun kisses ! My students were thrilled that the leprechaun had noticed their good behavior . He encouraged them to stay on green because clearly that is his favorite color ! Finally the big day came , it was St . Patrick 's day ! I painted shamrocks on the kid 's faces and we anxiously awaited for the arrival of Seamus . The first thing he did was turn our toilet water green , and then he wished us a happy St . Patrick 's day in our morning calendar . That was very exciting ! After reading the message it was time for computer lab . The students went off for a half an hour and when they got back our classroom was trashed and there was leprechaun confetti all over the floor ! My students could not believe their eyes . They insisted that we make a clip for Seamus and put him directly on red ! Red is the worse color on our behavior chart . After cleaning up our room the students did some work ( yes , we do work in there ) and then went on to art class and lunch . When we got back from lunch we had the surprise of our lives ! There were pots of gold AND kisses for every student . You would have thought those children had won the lottery . The were cheering and shouting and wondering around in disbelief . Finally one of them realizedI truly think that my students are the best ever ! I get so much out of teaching them . I hope they get as much from me ! My students are quickly disappearing ! I can only assume that there is a nasty virus going around my classroom . I had several students out last week and by Friday I was down to nine students by the end of the day ! Today I only had eleven students ! My day was FABULOUS ! We were missing a few key players and that made our day very calm . I think I had a smile on my face all day long . I was in such a good mood that I gave my students M & M 's at the end of the day because every single one of them was on green ! Aside from sniffles and sneezes my teaching experience is going very well . We had a lot of fun with our fish ( but we are down to one goldfish and a handful of baby guppies ) . Today I lost another fish . The problem is that I don 't have a net and I was having a hard time getting the fish out of the tank with my cup . As luck would have it , there was a technician in my room hooking up some equipment . That crazy man was going to stick his bare hand in the tank and take out the fish ! EW ! Thankfully I got the fish out before he had to do that . On a happier note , we have chicken eggs ! It takes 21 days for chicks to hatch and we are on day 6 ! I am SO excited and my students are unbelievably excited . I just hope my chicks do better than my fish ! My amazing father has made me a brooding box so that my chicks will have a comfortable place to live after they escape from their shells . I am so lucky to have such a supportive family ! Wait ! More good news ! Yesterday I signed up for a Donors Choose account . Donors Choose is an organization that gets funding for teacher requested supplies through donations . I created a project for an MP3 listening center and it is already almost fully funded ! I am so greatful to the family and friends that donated to this project . This will give my students another opportunity to interact with books . They are learning how to read , and I just know that this will have a huge impact on them . My next project is for audio books to use at the center . If you are interested in supporting my project please check out this link : http : / / www . donorschoose . org / we - teach / 841873 . 1808463058 . I really and truly love my job . I feel so lucky to have such a rewarding career . Sometimes I wonder who benefits more , the students , or me ? This morning started out just like any other morning . I got up at 5 : 15 and left the house for work at 6 : 15 . I walked into my classroom at 6 : 30 and BLAM ! The stress had begun . Upon walking into my room I see that my fish tanks are VERY cloudy and one of the air pumps completely stopped working . Now , let me give you a brief background of the situation . I was out of school yesterday for professional development and one of my co - workers found that my air pump was not working AND that one of my goldfish was dead ( big surprise , right ? ) . She decided to be helpful and put the living goldfish with the guppies . Since that is not a good idea I immediately called her and told her to put the goldfish back in his bowl . A lot more happened , but that is the most important for you to know . Okay , so I walk into my room and see a cloudy mess in the goldfish tank AND the guppy tank . Since the guppy tank was messed with the filter was all out of place and there wasn 't enough water in the tank . I could literally feel the stress balling up in my chest . I tried to take care of the fish situation the best I could and then moved on to the next fiasco . The very kind and helpful sub stacked all of my chairs . I suppose she thought she was helping , but all it did was create more work for me . Moving on I could not find the book of the week . I had no idea where the sub placed it and it took me a very long time to find it . I spent my whole preparation time looking for books , tending to fish , and setting up chairs . By the time my students came into the room at 7 : 15 I was a mess . I thought my chest was going to explode ! Thankfully , they had special areas at 7 : 30 and that gave me a little more time to get my morning work ready . The kids drove me crazy all day . I knew that it was partly my fault because I was in such a bad mood , but I just felt like they wouldn 't stay still or be quiet ! I decided that I needed to come up with a math activity that would take a long time and keep them busy . Cutting ALWAYS takes a long time , so since we are doing measurement I thought they could trace their feet , cut the template , and measure their feet with blocks . I was sure this would take at least 45 minutes . . . I was very wrong . It took them about 10 minutes ! I could not believe it . As you know , I have been selected to get a Smart Table . YAY , right ? Well , that means I need to make room for the table in my tiny little classroom . The table is coming tomorrow and I have very few outlets in my room . Earlier today I found out that I am also receiving an incubator tomorrow . YAY , right ? Well guess what ? That also needs to be plugged in and I need to find room for that as well ! So my dear friend and mentor MD came into my room to " help " me . The problem was that I was already very overwhelmed . My other dear friend CH and her wonderful assistant also came in to help . I appreciate their effort , but it was all just too much for me to handle and I didn 't end up changing much . My anxiety had peaked , and I wasn 't sure my poor heart could take it . This may not sound so bad to anybody else , but for some reason I was just beyond stressed . I still have a little tightness in my chest , but I feel a zillion times better . Sometimes being a teacher just stresses me out ! I recently found out that I will be part of a team piloting a Smart Table program for our district . A Smart Table is similar to a Smartboard , but it has like fifty points of touch ! The teacher creates interactive lessons for small groups of students and they can all interact with the product at the same time . The reason I was chosen for this pilot is because when our district was doing walk throughs in the fall , I happened to be doing AWSOME Smartboard lessons both times ! One of the people in the walk through was the head of the technology department . When the pilot program was announced , my name was thrown in to the list of possible participants . I am one of only three teachers in the district involved in this pilot ! ! Last night was my first training . I think it 's going to be a lot of fun ! My students will be so excited and I truly believe it will make small group centers a lot more effective . I sure hope this is a sign that I will be invited back for a second school year ! This week we started a new science unit on animals . The first week of the unit teaches students about guppies and goldfish . I went to the store and spend a ridiculous amount of my very own money to buy all of the necessary supplies , including the fish . I bought all of these supplies on Saturday and set them up in my living room . I bought two goldfish , and four guppies . Let 's just say that only two fish made it to work on Monday morning . The guppies just didn 't make it . I believe I rushed the setup and the water just wasn 't good for the poor fish . So , Monday morning I took my fish tanks and fish to work and set them up before the students got there . I was very excited ! Not only was it new fish day , it was also Valentine 's day . When the kids arrived at school they were so happy and excited to see our fish ! They checked on them frequently and named them George , and Gloria . By the middle of the day I could tell that George and Gloria were not feeling well . They were swimming kinda crooked and sideways . I just knew that they weren 't going to make it through the night . The following morning , poor Gloria and George were floating at the top of the tank . I laughed out loud when I saw them because I just couldn 't believe that I had killed six fish in a matter of three days ! My students trickled in slowly that morning . I told one student who then spread the news to the rest of the students . Throughout the day I think they told EVERYONE in the school that George and Gloria had died . Some of them were really sad . Our favorite teacher Ms . D . told the kids that the fish were in a better place now . One of the kids responded by saying , " No , Mrs . Hainey put them down the toilet " . I just love those guys ! After the kids left I emptied the tank and refilled it . It 's been running for a few days now and tomorrow it will be the home for two new goldfish and three guppies ( assuming they make it through the night ! ) Today was a very challenging day ! My students were beyond excited about Valentine 's Day and therefore my morning was a little off schedule . The students kept coming in one by one and showing me the valentines or treats that they brought in to share . Now , I sent home a note explicitly stating that I ONLY wanted individually wrapped treats that could be placed in bags and sent home . I had TWO students bring in cupcakes ! These parents can 't follow directions any better than their children ! Aside from cards and treats , I also got some treats ! My students brought me candy , cards , and a coffee mug with a bear . Another exciting thing about today was the introduction of our two goldfish George and Gloria . My students were oober excited and wanted to check on the fish all day long . I had to warn the students that sometimes fish don 't live long . This was an important conversation because I had just killed four guppies in a matter of two days ! Hopefully I am a better teacher than fish owner ! As the day went on it continued to be very hectic . I think it was worse than Christmas ! I was a patient as possible and we made it through . My students gave me tons of hugs and kind words all day long . One students said " Mrs . Hainey , I just love you . You have beautiful eyes . " I just smiled and told him thanks ! I love those kids more than I ever would have imagined . I do have one student we 'll call ZS who I am having a very hard time falling in love with . He is the newest student in my room and he is a big pain in my rear . I actually didn 't allow him to participate in our festivities and he didn 't really seem to care . . . UNTIL he realized that I was not going to give him his valentines bag of treats . He cried and cried . I did not feel the least bit bad for him . Hopefully he will have a better day tomorrow and I will give him his bag . Today was my birthday ! My students were very excited . I have been hyping this day up for the past month or so , and my students were eager to celebrate ! When my students walked into the classroom they bombarded me with birthday wishes and hugs . They told me about everything they were going to give me , and they grinned from ear to ear . Since my students thought I was 99 years old , one child asked me if I had turned 100 ! I just love my students ! My friend MP started my day off with a basket of candy AND a helium balloon ! She and her roommate also made me brownies ! Throughout the day I was given many birthday wishes from students I don 't even know . I think it is so cool that kids who don 't even know me got so excited about my birthday ! It also happened to be one of my student 's birthdays . I didn 't mind sharing my day until . . . her mother and about ten other people showed up at my classroom door twenty minutes before school ended . They had their arms full of cupcakes , icecream and gifts . There were children EVERYWHERE ! We got through the chaos and mess with few problems . Just as it was time to get ready to go , the mom broke the news to her girls ( I have sisters in my classs ) that they were to take the bus home . One of the girls broke down and had the biggest tantrum I have ever witnessed ! She kicked and screamed and cried as if she was never going to see her mother again . Her mother left and she still continued to have a fit ! I tried to ignore her but she started acting like she was going to run out of my room . I told her that if she left my room I was going to call the police . I needed to get my other students to the bus , so I asked my assistant to call the office to get some help . While I was lining my kids up in the hall the student started to tear my room apart ! I was beyond angry . The office was able to stop her mother on the way to her car and made her come get the student . When the mom arrived I said " Your daughter just tore my room up ! " I was not smiling . The mother LAUGHED and said " I 'm sorry Mrs . Hainey , I knPosted by Wednesday morning I woke up with a very sore throat . I didn 't realize that I was actually sick until I was half way to work . My throat hurt , my head hurt , my neck hurt , and I was cranky . I knew that it was going to be a tough day , so I warned my students that I wasn 't feeling well . They were very sweet . All day long they would remind each other not to make me yell or upset me because my throat was hurting . I just love those kids ! They day was long and I snapped a little more than I normally would . I had decided that I should stay a little later that afternoon and get some sub plans ready just in case I was unable to go to work the following day . By the time the students had all left I just couldn 't bring myself to stay . I was sure I 'd be fine in the morning . When I got home I had a FEVER ! I have not had a fever in many years and decided to go to the doctors . While there was nothing diagnosable wrong with me , I decided that a fever was a good reason to call in sick the following day . I called my friend MP and asked her to please give sub plans to my sub in the morning . She quickly reminded me that I vowed not to get sick and agreed to pass the plans on . Unfortunately the school email was down and the plans never made it to my sub ! As I sit here writing this blog I can 't help but wonder what my kids did all day . I was surprisingly relaxed today and didn 't worry about them as much as I thought I would . My fever seems to be gone and I plan on returning to work tomorrow . I am looking forward to the hugs , comments , and questions that my fabulous students will be full of tomorrow ! I have a student that is frustrating me beyond belief . She seems to have learned almost nothing so far this year . She cannot identify most alphabet letter , numbers , colors , or shapes . She cannot count past six or seven . She just recently learned to write her names but she still can 't always identify the letters in her name . I 've worked with her in small groups , individually , got her a tutor , and send her to the interventionist . Nothing seems to work . She is very hard working and truly wants to learn and so I keep on trying . Yesterday I decided to start small and work on the color red . I took an index card and wrote with a red marker the word red . I also drew a red blob on the card . I handed her the card and told her that we needed to find everything red in the school . I pointed to the red blob and said " B this is the color red . What color is it ? " She replied " Red " . So off we went . She pointed to several red items in the hallway before I realized that she was finding red items , but wasn 't calling them red . So I said to her " What color are we looking for ? " She said " Green " . ARE YOU KIDDING ME ! So I calmly said " No B , this is the color red . We are looking for things that are red " . So we continued to find things that are red and I made sure that she identified the objects as red . After about ten minutes I said " Ok , what color are we looking for ? " And she said " Green " . THREE times she told me that we were looking for things that are green ! Since I have become a teacher I have laughed so hard that tears ran down my face . My students say the funniest things ! I wish I had written these things down earlier because I definately can 't remember them . As I remember them and as they happen , I will be sure to add them to this post . Today was a difficult day for everyone ! It started first thing in the morning , my students would not stop talking and wiggling ! It didn 't help that I was tired . Last week was such an off week with all the snow days and delays that we were all having a hard time getting into the swing of things . During our morning language arts centers I had to do the middle of the year Dominie testing . I put my assistant in charge of the center rotations and she did her best , but somehow things got messed up and kids were all over the place ! I wanted to pull my hair out ! By the time we did math in the afternoon I was on a short fuse . I had been yelling all day long and I had enough . In the middle of my lesson , I threw my hands up and walked out of the room for a good ten minutes ! I knew that my assistant was giving them a talking to . When I got back my kids behaved for about five minutes and then it was back to the talking and wiggling . I guess these days are bound to happen from time to time , I just hope they don 't happen very often . Because I am from the north , snow is not such a big deal to me . Southerners are not so used to the snow , and it is a big deal ! Last Monday we got a snow storm and got about six inches of accumulation . The roads were slippery and dangers , so we had a snow day . I didn 't bring any work home with me and therefore had nothing to do but lounge around my house and cuddle up with my couch . That night the news announced that Tuesday would also be a snow day . Since the state doesn 't own many plows and has little road salt , many of the side streets were still fairly dangerous and there was a fear of black ice . I was ok with that , but I found myself very bored ! I actually " braved " the roads and brought lunch to my husband at work . The roads were perfectly fine , and for the most part they were dry . That evening it was announced that Wednesday would also be a snow day . I was dumbfounded . Apparently many people were still fearful of black ice . I immediately made plans with several co - workers for lunch . We had a great time at lunch and we discussed our prediction for the following days school schedule . The roads were completely dry and there was no doubt in my mind that school would be opened for business ! That night around 8 : 00 it was declared that we would have a two hour delay ! YAY ! I could handle a two hour delay . The next morning I slept in an extra two hours and went to work . What I couldn 't understand was how a two hour delay was even helpful . The temperature at 9 : 00 was still below freezing , so how was it any safer than it was at 7 : 00 ? I got to work and people were hooting and holloring about school not being closed and I just kept my mouth shut ( for the most part ) . I only had twelve students show up , and we had a pretty relaxed day . The kids were so excited to tell me all that they did during their very long weekend . It 's amazing how magical snow is to young children . I was really happy to be back to work . Today we had another pointless two hour delay , but I enjoyed the extra sleep and the stress free day that comes witPosted by For the first several weeks I felt as if I was the worst teacher ever . I didn 't think my students were learning anything ! Everyone kept telling me that I was doing awsome , but I truly didn 't believe them . Sometimes I still don 't believe them . After a few hard weeks of school I realized that my kids are in fact learning . The first time that they could tell me the days of the week independently I could feel tears of pride swell up in my eyes . The feeling of accomplishment I have when my students are successful is amazing . I know that I am not perfect , and that I am still learning a lot , but I am so proud of the progess my students are making so far . Posted by I work in a very transient school and I was warned that kids would come and go . I didn 't realize the emotional effect it would have on me . I have noticed that most teachers celebrate when they find out that they are losing a students . I sometimes wonder if I am the only teacher who is truly attached to her students . I have lost three students so far , but one of them brought me to tears . On the very first day of school TW walked into my room bawling ! I thought it was because it was his first day of kindergarten and he was scared , but I quickly learned that TW was a tantrumer ! It didn 't help that the poor kid could hardly speak and had hearing loss that was not being taken care of . This child threw huge tantrums , refused to follow directions when he didn 't get his way , hit other children , and wiggled his way into my heart . Teachers would comment about him all the time . They would say things like " better you than me " or " Someone needs to get a belt out " , but I always felt that he needed me . I loved that naughty child ! One afternoon I took him to the office for striking another child . It just so happened that his guardian was in the office withdrawing him from school . I was devestated and immediately began to cry . Teachers said " I bet you 're glad to get rid of him " or " It 's about time " , but I was feeling a deep sense of loss . I love my students and losing each one is difficult , but losing this one was the most difficult so far . I will never forget the first day I spent with students . I was a bundle of nerves . College does not prepare you for what you should do your first day , or how caotic dismissal time will be . I had met the school 's queen of negativity and she warned me about the type of students I would be getting . She assured me that I had never worked with students " like these " . I tried to ignore her and stay positive . I had worked with poor and very needy children and families before , how different could these kids be ? Even though I was staying positive I was still nervous . My students trickled in that day and I began to get to know them . I had some cryers , some talkers , and even some tantrumers , but by the end of the day I fell in love with every single one of them . My students can be very challenging , but I cannot imagine having a better group of kids for my first year teaching . In May 2010 I graduated from Columbia College with a degree in Early Childhood Education . Even though I was a brand new graduate in the field , I was by no means a newbie to the classroom . I spent seven years as a teaching assistant in several grade levels . Being an assistant gave me great experience , but it did not prepare me for my very first year teaching ! The first thing I had to do after graduation was find a job . This was not easy ! I sent out resume after resume . I called and emailed every school in my county and the surrounding counties , and I did a lot of praying . My first interview was beyond horrible ! I was so embarrassed when I finished . Even though I bombed my interview I kept my head up and kept trying . In the beginning of August I finally got the call I was waiting for . I got the interview that would land me my first teaching job ! I was so happy when I found out I would be teaching kindergarten ! I thought that as a first year teacher I would have a lot of support . I was wrong . I was actually an added class and therefore I had NO supplies when I arrived . I had to put together a brand new classroom . Without going into a lot of detail , let 's just say that I had very little support and I felt like I was thrown to the lions ! I had no idea what I was doing or what was expected of me ! After a few months I met the most wonderful woman who really helped me find my way . If it wasn 't for her I would still be lost ! I have been teaching for five months now , and I will focus this blog on my struggles , realizations , funny , and heart warming moments . |
My parents used to live in this OLD OLD house . My mom actually saw a little boy there one day in the corner of her eye . She looked … he was gone . December 19 , 2009 at 4 : 51 am When I was 12 , I visited Abraham Lincoln 's house . I took pictures because , well , it fascinated me ! I 'm now 18 but when I took those pictures , a month later I realized that in the children 's room , a purple , almost transparent , orb was in front of the bed . It was darker around the edges , so on . If I ever get a chance , I will show you my ghost pics . Very creepy ! I 've also taken more at abandoned houses , which nobody has lived in for at least 50 years . No windows , no sunlight , no flash on the camera . Two pictures taken , and in the bottom window , two lights . Like … something was holding a flashlight in the house as I took the pictures . These lights were not there when I took them . There will be more ghost stores from me ! Please … reply . I would like to know what you say ! I LOVE ghost stories and I 'm EXTREMELY interested in the paranormal . Infact , my dad lived in a 100 year old house and my mom would see a little boy would stand in the room with her . At night , he would stand in the closet and knock on the walls . I 've tried to find this kid and who he is … nothing . It 's like he never existed . November 16 , 2009 at 5 : 46 am i recently moved in with my friend for school . about 2 nights ago i was sleeping on the floor of her parents were carrying a videroom and i had a dream . in this dream her parents and i were in the living room of the house . her parents had a camera and have been talking to this one ghost for a couple of nights . His name was Daniel . but he would get mad at them and he would scream at her parents because that wasnt actually his name . thats when i asked him what was his name was . he told me to guess . so i asked does it start with an " N " ? he said " yes " . then i guess " Nick " . thats when the basement doors flew open and i heard a faint whisper that said " meet me downstairs " . i didnt go . later on still in the dream . i was sitting in the living room on the couch . the ghost " nick " came in on a wheelchair , he was old . he stopped and looked at me and his face changed characters meaning different people . i dont know why . i woke up in the morning and that night i told my friends mom about my dream and this is what she said . " that 's weird because someone died in this house , and there used to be an elevator in this house for an old man in a wheelchair " . i knew there was an elevator in the house already . but i didnt know the old man was in a wheelchair . we don 't know what his name was . and i dont know what all this means . to be continued … . October 20 , 2009 at 3 : 37 am okay so when I was 14 I was sitting on the couch watching TV , and I felt a hand on my arm and I saw a white - ish green woman standing up in front of me saying , " We must leave now , child . Before the Nazis come for us ! " I then heard knocking and them she dissapeared . I stood up and went outside , no one was there . then a week later I heard a faint screaming from my bathroom . I went in there and the shower was running , but no one was there . a another week later I saw a kid about 4 years old and he said to me , " Get out while you can miss ! " I said back to him , " What 's wrong ? " he looked away and left the room . I moved from that house and never went back . That 's my ghost story ! September 18 , 2009 at 12 : 26 am My name is Stephanie . I am 23 years old . Well , My Husband & I have been living in our apartment for 3 years now . We have 3 little girls . They are destiny is 4 , Madison is 3 & June is 6 months old . Many strange things have been occurring in our apartment since I was pregnant with my baby june . The first thing is that My Older Daughter 's destiny and Madison had to sleep in the same crib because My oldest destiny broke hers . Well one night me & my husband were sleeping and I woke up suddenly and looked over to my daughter 's crib and I saw someone standing up at the edge of the crib looking at us . At first I thought it was my oldest daughter destiny because whatever it was seemed to have the same tall , skinny features as my daughter . I got up to get her to lie back down , but when I did get up I looked in the crib and both my babies were covered and fast asleep . The second incident was again in the middle of the night . My youngest daughter June was 2 months old , and I had gone to bed early . My Husband stayed up late watching t . v . in the living room , and didn 't want to wake any of us up so slept on the couch . well , at this point we had just bought my daughter destiny her toddler bed , and Madison still slept in her crib . well , I had suddenly awoke , and I saw what at the time was my daughter Destiny get off her bed , and went over to Madison 's crib and was looking in there . I got up and was going to get mad at her because I didn 't want her to wake Madison up . When I got to her bed I saw that she was covered and fast asleep . It freaked me out . My Husband didn 't believe me . Than we were standing by our breakfast bar about 10 pm talking , and he stopped what he was saying and went to the bathroom . He came back pale , and said your not going to believe it . He said he thought he saw Destiny go into the bathroom , and went in there and no one was there . He said he was going to get mad at her because she was suppose to be asleep , and when he went in there Destiny was fast asleep . He said , Reply kaleide Says : August 28 , 2009 at 11 : 05 am I was staying in Manresa Castle ( which is a mansion / hotel in a small town in Washington ) , and I 'd heard many stories about how it was haunted . My friends and I decided to stay in the " haunted " room , which ended up being a great choice . They fell asleep , but I was wide awake . They were pulled all the way down to our knees , and my friend was completely asleep . I highly recommend visiting this hotel ! It has been featured on multiple television shows as well . August 28 , 2009 at 5 : 56 am When I was 13 I lived in this ranch home in Delaware . Since I was 13 , I was allowed to live in the basement , where it was more private . The basement bedroom was the best . No one ever bothered me . I am the type of person who enjoys fresh air even when it is cold outside so more often then not , I would leave the basement window open . These are the regular basement windows that can only be opened from the inside and they are half windows . A couple of times , I know I left the window open and I would wake up and the window be closed . I know the wind couldn 't close it nor could my parents close it since they would never come into my room . It was just one of those weird things that don 't really have a good explanation . August 28 , 2009 at 5 : 31 am I lived in a house that was over a 100 years old . This house was yellow and sat in a part of town that was also very old . Many times when I would be home alone and the cat would be right next to me , I could hear what sounded like foot steps creeping up the stairs . I knew this wasn 't just plain house settling because it really sounded like foot steps . Also while I was in the living room , I used to see glints of light that flickered orange and white . I know I am not the only who saw this because the boyfriend also mentioned the weird lights out of the corner of his eyes . I always wanted to know who lived in that house before I did and perhaps maybe some body died there . August 28 , 2009 at 4 : 24 am It happened in my office last few weeks ago . A colleague of mine who always work late , mostly around 8 to 9pm asked me why am I trying to open her door so harshly the other day . She claimed that she heard someone who wore high heel walking passed by her door , somehow she couldn 't see the face clearly as the light at the corridor wasn 't bright enough . In fact , I told her that I left office sharp at 6 . 30pm due to having appointment with my husband . The following days , we decided to check through our CCTV to find out who is the culprit for that . Guess what , we saw nothing but just a blur shadow on the rewind record . Since that incident , none of us are working late then . Believe it or not but it 's all truth . http : / / www . luvdebbie . com / ? p = 1315 August 27 , 2009 at 3 : 34 am When I was li ' l , our compound got tall trees . 2 mango , 1 acacia , 2 santol , and 1 narra . Someone had told my aunt that a spirit had been living in the acacia tree , that somewhat brings illness to their family . One night , when there 's a brown out , my aunt went to our house when we are all laying down in our bed . She had her hair messed up , and eyes were big and wide . I am so scared that I am really catching up my breath . Finding it hard to breath , I cried . August 27 , 2009 at 12 : 14 am A few years ago one of my friends asked Teri and I to house - swap with him for a cheap vacation option . His house was a very nice , old house ; full of character . We readily agreed to the swap . He warned us that the house was haunted , but we just laughed at him . We didn 't believe in ghosts ! The first night we slept there we made sure that the house was locked up tight . We turned the thermostat down to a nice , comfortable 68 degrees ( good sleeping temperature , and it was winter after all , so we wanted to save energy . ) We woke up about 1am , sweating like we were in a sauna ! I went to look at the thermostat and it had been turned up to the highest it could go ! I kow Teri didn 't do that because she is the one who likes to sleep in a cool room ! August 26 , 2009 at 11 : 58 pm When I was a newlywed , my hubby and I moved into a house that was over a hundred years old . I am convinced that house was haunted . One day I was sitting in the living room , reclining on the sofa reading a book while my hubby was playing one of his favorite albums on his fancy and expensive turntable . He had a thing about never playing the record twice in one day , saying it wore down the grooves on the record . He left the room for a few minutes and while he was gone the record had stopped playing and the arm swung back to it 's resting position and the stereo turned off . I remained on the sofa reading , not caring if there was music or not . About five minutes later the stereo turned on by itself and started playing that same record again ! Right about that same time my hubby returned to the room and started to scold me for playing that record a second time ! I was totally freaked out and told him that I hadn 't moved from my seat ; that our ghost must have turned it back on ! Of course he accused me of lying , but that really is what happened ! August 26 , 2009 at 11 : 39 pm I used to see animal spirits all the time as a child , until my little cat got run over by a car . I looked over to see her under my bureau . She still looked as she did when we buried her , only iridescent , and it frightened me . I forced myself not to see animal spirits any more after that . My great - grandfather saw ghosts all the time . However , I have only seen one human spirit , when I was sixteen years old . He was the father of a boy I babysat for . He died of leukemia when he was 35 . One night while the boy was sleeping , I heard noises in the basement such as doors closing . I went down , carrying a kitchen knife for protection . No one was there . I came back upstairs , put the knife away , and went into the living room . The man was sitting in his favorite chair . I wasn 't scared , but I was surprised . I said , " George ? " He smiled at me , and then his wife came home and he disappeared . Although I have only seen one ghost , I can sense earthbound human spirits . The co - author of my own book is such a spirit . He committed suicide 18 years ago . It has been interesting to me to learn that spirits continue to mature in their attitude and aspect . He was 22 when he died and would be 40 now . His demeanor is more that of a 40 year old than of a 22 year old . He has done a lot of healing and learning in his time on the other side . August 26 , 2009 at 8 : 22 pm When I was a teenager , we lived in a house that definitely had some bizarre occurrences . My brother swore the basement was haunted by the ghost of a little girl who would ask him to play with her . I ended up in his room after he moved out with my baby son in the room down the hall . I 'd often hear him babbling and laughing over the baby monitor as if someone was there with him . He 'd also often stare off into the corner of a room or whatever like he could see something that I couldn 't . Our cat acted much the same way and would stare at the same areas . One day , when my son and I were home alone , I could hear footsteps upstairs . It sounded like someone was walking around and opening kitchen cupboards and rattling the dishes . I thought our house was being burglarized and immediately called the neighbours to come over . They had a key and let themselves in only to discover that my baby and I were the only ones in the house ! ! Some of the kitchen drawers and cupboard doors were open though … August 26 , 2009 at 8 : 21 pm One ghost story that my kids love to hear about is when Grandpa and Grandma moved into their first house together . My dad had purchased the house from an old widow . Each night , my parents heard noises in the bedroom . Finally after about a week of hearing strange sounds , my dad sat straight up in bed and said in a loud voice : " She doesn 't live here anymore . She moved out and we moved in . Go away ! " They never heard another sound from that house . I 've written more about my experiences with ghosts and the Ouija Board at http : / / laurieharley . com / i _ believe . htm . Be sure to check it out ! August 26 , 2009 at 8 : 10 pm One day as children our ball went into the crazy neighbor 's yard . Two of us were bold enough to climb the fence and get it . The dog saw us through the wind and begin barking and pawing at the glass . The chicken 's house became alarmed and all the chickens began to cackle . There was a rake on the porch and the all the ruckus made it fall over with a thud when it hit the ground . The screen door to the house whipped open and an image was fast approaching from the hall . The closer it became the faster it seemed to move . We were frozen in time could not move forward or back . Then when the image appeared it was holding a kitchen knife that had to be 24 inches long . When the image raised it above her head the sun beamed off it creating a blinding effect . We never got the ball we ran and jumped back over the fence as fast as we could . Our friends that were waiting said they heard nothing and when we looked back through the fence it was as if it never happened . August 26 , 2009 at 2 : 33 pm One summer 's day I heard some noises coming from the upstairs bedroom . Noises like someone was rocking in the rocking chair we kept up there . And a sound like someone humming ! It was odd because my wife and I were the only ones in the house ! My wife heard the noises too , and she insisted that we go upstairs to investigate it . Our dogs were totally spooked and refused to go upstairs with us , which was odd because they usually go everywhere we go , including upstairs ! When we got upstairs , we looked around and saw nothing but the regular furnishings , but the rocking chair WAS rocking slightly , as if someone had just gotten out of the chair . I told my wife that there must be a logical explanation , but the windows were closed and there was no breeze from any source . My wife , however , said that it just HAD to be a ghost that had been sitting in the chair , rocking it ! August 26 , 2009 at 1 : 33 pm It happened last month … I was in that point between asleep and awaken when I heard a noise in my room and through the sheets ( I normally sleep all covered from top to toes ) I saw a figure with the same silhouette of my brother close to my computer 's desk . At that moment I thought with myself : " He is probably looking for cigarettes … better show him where they are . " August 26 , 2009 at 9 : 04 am I was driving home from work one night and saw what appeared to be a woman on the side of the road dressed in a white gown . It looked like a wedding gown . The woman didn 't look to see if traffic was coming and walked across the road ( I had to hit my brakes hard to avoid hitting her ) and then she walked right through a guard railing and vanished ! August 26 , 2009 at 4 : 27 am I remember when I was about 12yrs old . Me and a few friends where playing Wiji Board . We where asking stupid questions and all the sudden the lights in the room went off . We all ran outside , and I never touched a Wiji Board again ! August 26 , 2009 at 4 : 03 am ever since i was a little girl i 've known that were lived in a haunted place . i have always been very sensitive to them and i can feel them move around me . not just my home was haunted , but this entire town that i live in . one specific story that i remember from childhood , i was about 7 or 8 , every night before i went to bed , i could hear the sound of horses outside my room . we did live in the country but none of the surrounding fields contained horses and none of them were close enough to my room for me to hear them as if they were right out side . when i was little , i was told i had an overactive imagination , however several years later , i had some friends over night , and they too heard the horses that i had always heard outside my window . other instances have included hearing the distinct sound of my grandfather 's foot steps down the hallway of his home a week after his furneral ( he walked with a crutch for balance which made a very specific clink noise from the metal cuff under his arm , so it was not just footsteps but footsteps and that noise . . his crutch was hanging on a hook in the basement at the time that this happened . August 26 , 2009 at 3 : 31 am I 'm actually still kind of waiting for my son 's room to show SOME signs of ghost activity . His great - grandmother died of lung cancer in that room a year and a half before he was even born . I don 't know if I 'm ever going to tell him about that though , at running the risk of scaring him . August 26 , 2009 at 3 : 29 am Well I 'm not sure if this would actually qualify or not but it was weird . I happen to love fairies so I collect them . This includes fairy dolls . One of them has wings that lights up if you touch the back . There were a few days when the thing would light up by itself at around the same time . No one was near it because it was just sitting on the bookshelf . I can 't explain it and it never happened after those few times . August 26 , 2009 at 2 : 44 am I have had many experiences with ghosts and would love to write a whole article to compliment your link and introduction to your site . My most recent encounter with a ghost was a haunted mattress that we owned . I think it was the spirit of a pet ( cat or dog ) , that would jump on the mattress at least once a week in the middle of the night . Both my husband and I would feel the pressure of something at the foot of the bed . We had a pet cat and often our young daughters would crawl in bed , so initially , we just thought it was one of them . But there was never anyone at the foot of the bed . And the weird thing is , we actually moved to a different house , and the spirit followed the bed ! We don 't have that mattress anymore . We got a new one and put that one by the curb . Someone picked it up before the trash ran . I wish I knew if the mattress spirit visits the new owners as well . August 25 , 2009 at 9 : 39 pm My fave ghost story ( didn 't happen to me ) was about a little boy who was out with his mother and saw some man ride past on a bike , he remember it because the man was staring at him and looked really freaked out . 30 years later the little boy was grown up and was riding down the road on his bike and went past a little boy who looked just like he did when he was young . They both looked at each other and the man got really freaked out . August 25 , 2009 at 6 : 28 pm So many times when I was working from my old office I would see a woman at the window when I left late at nigh . She would be just staring out at me from the 6th floor . It was from one of the rooms in our offices and I didn 't recognize her or often there was nobody left in the office . I don 't know if someone died there but the offices were around 80 years old . August 25 , 2009 at 1 : 08 am I lived in a house where there was a high pitched sound that traveled around my bedroom at night . Kind of like it was a mosquito flying around by the sound was very loud and you could tell where it was coming from , but you couldn 't see it . It would come right up to you them move away quickly . I tried to grab it and nothing happened . Then it would just randomly stop . It went on for years happening every few weeks and nobody could work it out . We turned of the electricity when it happened , lent out of the window to see if it was someone outside , everything we could think of . Just plain strange . Our last rental , we were leaving , cleaning and moving . We lived a year there , no real problems with electricity , we plugged in our vaccuum and the sparks came out of the wall down stairs , the light bulb blew out in the back room as we were cleaning there , as we were leaving , we turned on the back door light , and the ghost blew that one out too ! My husband said don 't look back when we leave we aren 't taking her with us when we leave ! August 20 , 2009 at 3 : 33 pm Wow - very cool ! I will definitely make sure to come back and tell some of my ghostly goings on . Good luck with the site ! August 18 , 2009 at 9 : 07 pm My Grandma told me that when she was a kid she had tiles on the kitchen floor that had a stain like face appear on them . Her mother tried to clean it off the eyes and mouth opened as if it was screaming and she ran out of the house , when she came back the eyes and mouth had closed . They could not clean it off and the stain kept getting darker and scarier . They pained over it and also tiled over it with plastic tiles . July 29 , 2009 at 1 : 45 am From the time I was twelve years old until i was seventeen , I lived in a cape - cod style house where my bedroom was part of what had once been the attic , all slanted ceilings , eaves , etc . The room seemed strange from the beginning ; during the winter , inch - thick ice formed on the insides of the windows no matter what insulation tricks were tried . I often felt as if I was in a fog when I spent lots of time in the room , like my thinking was cloudy and I was moving in slow motion . One afternoon , I felt myself falling into a kind of trance or dream state . I was sitting on the edge of my bed and felt unable to move . I don 't know how long I sat there spacing out , but suddenly I felt ice - cold fingers on the underside of my left upper arm . The icy touch jolted me out of my hazy state and I rubbed my arm where I had felt the fingers , looking around , but nobody was there . I put the incident out of my mind , chalking it up to my imagination . The next day , I was putting books into my locker at school , and my friend asked what had happened to my arm . I lifted my left arm , and there were four distinct purple bruises there , as if left by fingers . This turned out to be only the beginning of my bizarre experiences in this room . More to come … |
My home is a two story house . The downstairs is where the kitchen , living room , dining room , and the study are . Upstairs is the area that houses the bedrooms . Once you walk up the stairs , mine is the very first on the right . I was home alone one day , my parents were still at work and my sister was at soccer practice . I was watching TV downstairs , when I heard something upstairs . I thought it was our dog , Starbuck , and dismissed it . Then , Starbuck walked into the living room from the kitchen . There was no way he could 've gotten there without me hearing him ! I was a little freaked out , but kept watching TV . Then , a voice called down the stairs , " What have you done ? ! " The voice belonged to a man , and he sounded angry . I thought it was my father , and then remembered that he wasn 't there . The voice called again , " What have you DONE ? ! " It was a lot louder , as though it was descending the stairs . I heard a heavy thump on the stairs , proving my theory . I jumped off the couch , just in time to see a very angry man get off the stairs . I 'll never forget what he looked like . Black hair with some white in it , charcoal black eyes , tall , and with an expression of pure rage . Izzy took my hand and led me inside . It looked like a tornado had hit the inside of our house . Papers were strewn everywhere and a chair was tipped over . Our mother walked in as soon as we did and saw the mess . My name is Zoe and I live in Tasmania , Australia . I have a little story about my house which me and my mum , dad and younger sister live in . It all started about 5 years ago now I guess . Strange things started to happen , just weird things , nothing that would really harm anyone . On one occasion my sister 's makeup brushes went spinning around in their container really fast and we have seen little things out the corner of our eyes . We have had a house full of guests and there have been DVD 's pushed out of people 's hands in full view if everyone in the room and my mother has seen a little girl in a long night gown staring at her from the entrance of my sister 's room with a very upset look on her face . We have come to the realization that we have a man , a young girl and sometimes a little boy as well I have heard giggling most nights . One time I was home later and everyone was in bed asleep I just got into bed and all of my things I had sitting on top of my wardrobe started flying off . I was so scared I couldn 't move but I finally fell asleep . I woke up to my mother saying , " Why are all of your things on the floor " ? I said to her " Ask the ghosts , they did it . " I know this story is probably not what you expect but it was nice to share it with people . Thanks for your time ! The House That I have lived in since 2000 is haunted . We live on Stokes Ferry Road in Salisbury North Carolina , our home has been here for close to 90 years , it has been added onto so this could have started everything . When we moved in a neighbor told us that there had been a murder in this house about 30 years before , we thought nothing of it , we 've lived in haunted houses before , so we just sat back and waited for the fun to start . Two weeks after we got settled in our daughter , she was 18 years old , started yelling for me to come into her room . When I walked in she was on the bed that sat against the far wall from the door , the dresser sat by the door , there in the center of the room a black beany baby bear floated in the air . There was nothing touching it while it made its way across the room to settle on the desk . I was speechless , it was my first visual contact with anything unexplained . Things seemed to pick up after that , anyone that sleeps in the bed in the middle bedroom alone gets a bed companion . The old lady actually gets in the bed with you . She loves to break things when there is arguing going on so I have had lots of dishes broken with 3 Teenagers in the house , our oldest son was away at College . She seems to have attached herself to my daughter Erin , she is now 26 and is visited nightly . One evening when my youngest son had been out with some friends and came home with a cigarette burn on his face , I had the strangest thing happen to me . While Richie excitedly explained where the burn came from I began to see lights flashing across the ceiling . I kept stopping him asking if he saw the lights , finally he left the room saying he thought I had lost my mind . I personally think it was my father , Richie is my youngest son and my dad 's favorite and since he died in 2001 , this occurred in 2008 , I believe he was here showing how angry he was . There are so many strange things that happen here I could go on forever but I 've run out of time . Until next time . Kim When I was in Junior High I met my best friend , Jessica . About a month after we became good friends , I spent the night at her house . . . little did I know it was a night that would haunt me forever . We decided to stay up pretty late that night , watching horror movies and talking about ghosts . Jessica than told me that her house was haunted . I am a total believer in all supernatural things , and as a matter of fact , strange things had been happening at my house too . She told me that at her bedroom window , a man who was in a bad state of decomposition would stare at her , not saying a word . It scared her so bad that she would scream at it to leave her alone , than he would just walk away . We also started talking about other things that have happened to her when , we both noticed a reflection of a person on one of the pictures hanging in her hallway . We were the only ones home at that time , but all that night we saw it pass by then disappear . We finally decided to listen to some music in her room with the door closed so we wouldn 't get too freaked out by her dark hallway . We started talking about the ghosts haunting her room . She said that every time she tried to kill herself ( she takes Lithium but it doesn 't really help ) that she would see her friend who killed himself , and he would tell her not to do it . Then I being such a bigmouth said , " What would you do if he was standing right in that corner ? " Just then , the lights go out ! I was sitting on the floor and she was on her bed . . . but , not for long because she jumped on the floor with me and she grabbed me arm really tight . The first thing we saw was on the ceiling , a black shadow figure that looked tattered and torn . The second was in the corner I pointed out before . It was a man , or at least the shape of one in a transparent , light blue color not a full bodied apparition . Our legs went numb , and then I realized something , the black shadow had been in my room , haunting me for about a month when I was awake and in my dreams . I remembered that I had read in a book that the more afraid you become , the scarier it seems , and evil spirits feed off of our fear . After telling her this , we got the hell out of there feeling light headed and dizzy but , it was a lot better than being in her room . In 2007 , Jessica and I were hanging out with some of our friends by her swimming pool . Her brother 's dog started barking and growling , I don 't know if anybody else noticed nor felt like there was some sort of creepy feeling in the air but , I was too scared to tell them that the dog was barking at nothing . He then stopped for a few seconds than we heard someone , a woman breath out but then got choked off as if she was gasping for air . We all ran at high speed into the house and out of breath , we just looked at each other in disbelief . Arming ourselves with butcher knives and meat cleavers we headed back to Jessica 's room , she told me a few more stories . When she was six - years old , she got up for school and was going to take a shower when she heard her mother 's voice coming from somewhere in the dark house . She saw her mom stand in the hallway and she asked Jessica what she was doing . She went to turn on the light and when she did , no one was there ! She turned it off again and there her mother was . Jessica didn 't take a shower that day . Just this year , I helped Jessica move into a house just down the street from her old house . When we walked in we were greeted by a large crucifix and mental hospital - like decor and hallways . Later that night while returning a chair to the living room , I saw a face in her T . V . , one that was not my own . Her brother complained of the feeling of being watched in his room as he tried to fall asleep , but he ended up sleeping in the same room with us . Her sister also had a strange thing happen to her , she hung up a picture of herself on the fireplace mantle , and out of nowhere , it came flying off of the shelf . Although it was cold and windy outside , the patio doors were shut and there are no windows in that room . Thumping on the stairs was what I first heard . I dismissed it as the house settling , even though I knew it wasn 't true . Next , the picture on the TV started flickering . I don 't mean like the picture became distorted , I mean it actually was coming and going . Like , the picture would be there and then the screen would go gray . I turned off the TV , and it turned back on . Again , I turned it off , and it turned back on . I unplugged it , and it didn 't come back on . I ran to the phone , to call my mom or dad , and couldn 't find it . Our phone is a cordless one and it 's hardly ever where it needs to be . I ran around the kitchen searching , and couldn 't find it at all . Eventually , I gave up and ran outside . Once there , it began pouring rain , making me feel like I was in a horror movie . I remained outside until I thought it was safe to go back inside . Everything seemed alright , so I went upstairs to my room to dry off . I got into my room and went over to my dresser , which has a mirror on top of it . Looking into the mirror , I expected to see my hazel eyes staring back at me , but I saw bright sky blue ones . I screamed , but couldn 't look away . The girl staring back at me had deep brown hair and those bright sky blue eyes . The girl was saying something , but I couldn 't hear it . She had a strange look in her eyes that I couldn 't place , but it made me uncomfortable . She was repeating the same thing over and over , that much I could tell . I slowly left my room , hoping to escape whatever was in my room , and her voice was growing in volume . Once more , I ran out of my home into the safety of the rain . My mom and dad arrived home soon after with Livvy and Starbuck . Livvy ran to me and asked why I was outside in the pouring rain , and I told her everything . She 'd experienced things in the house too , so she believed me right away . Our mom and dad caved , finally choosing to believe us , and we moved out of the house . Before we left , I did some research on the house and found out that a girl named Clarissa used to live in my room before she died . Clarissa matched the girl who appeared in my mirror . I also found out that her father , the man who Livvy saw , used to live there as well , he was Clarissa 's father . This story is not as sensational as many others from this site , but it 's true . My father told it to me many years ago , when I was just a child . I recalled it perfectly , but I wasn 't sure if my imagination added something with the years . So , a couple of weeks ago I asked him to narrate it to again . It was exactly the same story he told many before . Here we go . . . When my father was single in his twenties , he visited his aunt in Chihuahua , Mexico . His relatives used to live in an old house close to a hospital . They let him sleep on a sofa in the living room that was located at the entrance to the building . Above the sofa was a window through which the street could be seen . One night my father woke up at the footsteps from a woman wearing high heels . The sound was clear and indicated that she was walking in a hurry from one end of the street to the other . The sound came as if the woman was walking just on the sidewalk behind the window . He didn 't pay attention and went back to sleep . The following nights the same occurrence happened again so his curiosity grew . He planned that next time he listens to the footsteps he will stand up and look outside to meet the mysterious lady . Surely , she was a young woman who has a job nearby starting very early in the morning . That very night it happened . As soon as he heard the footsteps he woke up , dragged the curtain and looked for her . . . . The street was completely empty . He thought that he just had missed her , but surely another occasion will come soon . Some nights went by and nothing happened . He almost forgot the incident when the phenomenon occurred again . However , this time as soon as he heard the steps he inspected the street and noted that nobody was there . Even so , the steps could be heard clearly and loudly , resembling the Doppler effect , as if somebody was actually passing through the sidewalk underneath the window . He was startled but not afraid . In the morning , he mentioned to his aunt what happened . She said : " So , finally you noticed her " - " notice who ? " My father replied . - " The lady in high heels , of course , who else ? " - " Who is she ? " asked my father . " You mean , who she was ? " told his aunt , and continued " She was a nurse that worked many years ago in the hospital two blocks from here . She used to do the night shift until she died quite young . Many neighbors have listened to her , but nobody has seen her . Some nights her steps are quite loud , other they barely are noticed and others she just doesn 't come . " It 's funny that my father has never referred to her as a ghost . In fact , I believe that nobody in my aunt 's neighborhood did it . A ghost normally is an unknown presence that may scare living people . However , the lady in high - heels was well known , and she didn 't scare anybody . In life , she was there to help other people . In death couldn 't be different . Nevada Trip - The Lady In Red We didn 't believe in ghosts , so when the fellow checking us in warned us that our room on the sixth floor was haunted , we just laughed . There were a lot of crazy people out there who believed in ghosts and wanted to stay in a haunted hotel , but Marie and I weren 't two of them . I 'd chosen the Mizpah for our weekend getaway because I 'd like the description of the hotel and it amenities , not because it had a phantom . Just for kicks , Marie asked the fellow who was supposed to haunt our room . He told us that it was a ghost called " The Lady in Red " . She was a prostitute who was strangled by a jealous boyfriend and her tormented spirit still lingered in the hotel . She was said to follow guests around , and to play with the gaming equipment in the casino . " A gambling ghost ? " I asked laughingly . The boy glared at me , and I was sorry for making a joke about something he obviously believed in . We said a hasty good - night and went up to the sixth floor . As we neared our room , Marie gasped and grabbed my arm . I stopped and looked at her . She pointed , wide - eyed , toward the far end of the hallway . Before our eyes , the glowing figure of a woman came hurrying toward us . I shivered superstitiously , my skin prickling in the sudden cold as she rushed passed us and walked right through the wall next to our room . " Good lord , there really is a ghost in our room ! " I gasped . " I am not going in there , " Marie said firmly . Her face was pale and her black eyes were wide with fear . " No way . " I didn 't much feel like going in there either , but we had gotten a special deal for two nights , paid in advance and non - refundable . I didn 't want to waste our money . In the end , I wrenched open the door , turned on the light , and investigated every corner , looking for the Lady in Red . She was gone . Marie absolutely refused to set foot in the haunted room . In the end , I had to go down to the desk and request a room on another floor . The boy didn 't say much when I told him we had seen the Lady in Red , but he gave me a know - it - all smirk that made me want to smaRachel , Wales , UK Most of my family believes in the paranormal . My cousin is a medium and my aunty ( her mother ) can feel spirits around her . My cousin have always given us messages from my grandmother , she even told us that ' someone ' in the family is going to have a baby boy very soon , and it turned out to be me which was a big shock for the family since I was only 17 at the time . But even though we have a medium in the family , a lot of people still don 't believe . My partner doesn 't believe in anything paranormal even though I am adamant that my story is true . Also my father is not a believer and laughs and makes jokes when something is brought up about the paranormal . Okay , back to my story . I was 10 at the time , which makes the year 2000 . It took place in my parent 's house , which I have lived in since three years old and never really had any other experiences apart from seeing auras . My room was the small box room , being the youngest and old girl I was lucky to have my own room . My brother 's room was next to mine . I was trying to get to sleep one night , staring at my bedroom door , my bed was in the angle which I could stare straight through the door onto the landing . I was starting to feel tired when I thought I saw something weird . I had a camper bed , the sort of bed which is set half way up the wall . I saw figures walking through my doorway and straight through the desk and wall / window a few steps away . That 's when I started to get scared , more figures walked in and I noticed they didn 't have any heads ! ! I was frozen in my bed , lying down , following the figures with my eyes . That 's when my brother , Richard , came in my room . He was 13 - 14 at the time . I was so happy to see him . He stood at the head of my bed where I was laying and said ' It 's alright Rachel , It 's nothing here . ' as he went to put his hand on my face to sooth me , his face changed . I can 't explain what this face looked like it was so long ago , but I can remember it was a male and his face looked deformed like he have been tortured , or burnt . His hand was aThere is one other part to my scary night , which I didn 't find out about until a couple of months ago . Richards ( my brother ) girlfriend of 7 years was talking to me and I told her about my experience ( I had told her before but she forgot what happened ) and when I said that I saw Richards face on that one spirit , she gasped and told me that one night when Richard was 13 , he woke up in the night and felt like he couldn 't breathe , nothing like a panic attack , but as if something or someone was pushing down on him . He also couldn 't move and started to get afraid but didn 't shout out because our oldest brother was asleep in the bed next to him . I 'm not sure if this is connected to my night , or even if it is 100 % true . But it is a bit weird that it happened to my brother the same age he was that it happened to me . I will never know if it was the same night , I could try asking my cousin about it but the family don 't like bothering her with spirit questions because they give her a ' headache ' ( she has them around her all day long ) . the only reason she told us that my Nan was with her is because my Nan had been ' pestering ' her all day to talk to us about something important , and this made me and my mother 100 % believers no matter what happens , even though we have always believed , it 's just different when you have ' proof ' . Thank you for reading my story , I know many people will not believe this experience . I have to admit it seems pretty far - fetched and if I read something like this on here I 'd probably think ' is it true ? ' As well , all I can give you is my word that this story is 100 % true . I have admitted that people thought I was dreaming and even admitted that I thought it was at some point . But no matter what people say to me about it being a ' dream ' at least I know that it wasn 't . p . s . while writing my experience I felt some sort of pressure pushing me down into the armchair I 'm sitting on , probably just my mind playing tricks on me , I get so freaked out remembering this experience ! Copyright © 1997 - 2009 Castle Website Designed by CLJ Design . |
A senior citizen said to his eighty - year old buddy : ' So I hear you 're getting married ? ' ' Yep ! ' ' Do I know her ? ' ' Nope ! ' ' This woman , is she good looking ? ' ' Not really . ' ' Is she a good cook ? ' ' Naw , she can 't cook too well . ' ' Does she have lots of money ? ' ' Nope ! Poor as a church mouse . ' ' Well , then , is she good in bed ? ' ' I don 't know . ' ' Why in the world do you want to marry her then ? ' ' Because she can still drive ! ' A drunk was in front of a judge . The judge says , " You 've been brought here for drinking . " " A jack , " answers tintumon . . . I just got back from a pleasure trip . I took my mother - in - law to the airport . Morris , an 82 year - old man , went to the doctor to get a physical . A few days later , the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm . A couple of days later , the doctor spoke to Morris and said , ' You 're really doing great , aren 't you ? ' Morris replied , ' Just doing what you said , Doc : ' Get a hot mamma and be cheerful . ' ' The doctor said , ' I didn 't say that . . I said , ' You 've got a heart murmur ; be careful . ' Q : What 's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother ? A : Eventually , the Rottweiler lets go . Someone stole all my credit cards but I won 't be reporting it . The thief spends less than my wife did . What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she 's making love ? " Honey , I 'm home ! " I 've been in love with the same woman for 49 years ! If my wife ever finds out , she 'll kill me ! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly , painfully , up onto a stool . . After catching his breath , he ordered a banana split . The waitress asked kindly , ' Crushed nuts ? ' ' No , ' he replied , ' Arthritis . ' Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb ? A : ( Sigh ) " Don 't bother . I 'll sit in the dark . I don 't want to be a nuisance to anybody . " A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play . She asks , " What part is it ? " " The boy says , " I play the part of the Jewish husband . " " The mother scowls and says , " Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part . " A man called his mother in Florida , " Mom , how are you ? " A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering . There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins . In Jewish tradition , the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school . The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much . The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now . Why do Jewish divorces cost so much ? Doctor : " See ! What did I tell you ? " The Doctor gave a man six months to live . The man couldn 't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months . She was at the beauty shop for two hours . That was only for the estimate . She got a mudpack and looked great for two days . Then the mud fell off . My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed . My wife called it the Dead Sea . My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night ; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried . The Doctor called Mrs . Cohen saying , " Mrs . Cohen , your check came back . " Mrs . Cohen answered , " So did my arthritis ! " A blonde girls house is on fire , she rings the fire brigade , they ask how do we get there ? ? ? The blonde replies in the big red truck ! ! ! The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve . He hadn 't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away . He had no decorations , no tree , no lights . It was just another day to him . He didn 't hate Christmas , just couldn 't find a reason to celebrate . There were no children in his life . His wife had gone . " Thank you , but I don 't mean to intrude , " said the stranger . " I see you 're busy . I 'll just go " " Not without something hot in your belly , " George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger . " It ain 't much , but it 's hot and tasty . Stew . Made it myself . When you 're done there 's coffee and it 's fresh . " There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy . Steam was rolling out of the front . The driver was panicked . " Mister , can you help me ! " said the driver with a deep Spanish accent . " My wife is with child and my car is broken . " George opened the hood . It was bad . The block looked cracked from the cold ; the car was dead . " You ain 't going in this thing , " George said as he turned away . " But mister . Please help . . . . " The door of the office closed behind George as he went in . George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck , and went back outside . He walked around the building and opened the garage , started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting . " Here , you can borrow my truck , " he said . " She ain 't the best thing you ever looked at , but she runs real good . " George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night . George t urned and walked back inside the office . " Glad I loaned em the truck . Their tires were shot too . That ' ol truck has brand new tires . . . . . . . . " George thought he was talking to the stranger , but the man had gone . The thermos was on the desk , empty with a used coffee cup beside it . " Well , at least he got something in his belly , " George thought . George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start . It cranked slowly , but it started . He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been . He thought he would tinker with it for something to do . Christmas Eve meant no customers . He discovered the block hadn 't cracked , it was just the bottom hose on the radiator . " Well , I can fix this , " he said to himself . So he put a new one on . " Those tires ain 't gonna get ' em through the winter either . " He took the snow treads off of his wife 's old Lincoln . They were like new and he wasn 't going to drive the car . As he was working he heard a shot being fired . He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground . Bleeding from the left shoulder , the officer moaned , " Help me . " " Pressure to stop the bleeding , " he thought . The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels . He used those and duct tape to bind the wound . " Hey , they say duct tape can fix anythin ' , " he said , trying to make the policeman feel at ease . " Something for pain , " George thought . All he had was the pills he used for his back . " These ought to work . " He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills . " You hang in there . I 'm going to get you an ambulance . " George said , but the phone was dead . " Maybe I can get one of your buddie s on that there talk box out in your police car . " He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio . He went back in to find the policeman sitting up . " Thanks , " said the officer . " You could have left me there . The guy that shot me is still in the area . " George sat down beside him . " I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain 't gonna leave you . " George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding . " Looks worse than what it is . Bullet passed right through ' ya . Good thing it missed the important stuff though . I think with time your gonna be right as rain . " The front door of the office flew open . In burst a young man with a gun . " Give me all your cash ! Do it now ! " the young man yelled . His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before . He turned his attention to the young man . " Son , it 's Christmas Eve . If you need the money , well then , here . It ain 't much but it 's all I got . Now put that pee shooter away . " The young man released his grip on the gun , fell to his knees and began to cry . " I 'm not very good at this am I ? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son , " he went on . " I 've lost my job . My rent is due . My car got repossessed last week . . . " George handed the gun to the cop . " Son , we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then . The road gets hard sometimes , but we make it through the best we can . " He got the young man to his feet , and sat him down on a chair across from the cop . " Sometimes we do stupid things . " George handed the young man a cup of coffee . " Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human . Comin ' in here with a gun ain 't the answer . Now sit there and get warm and we 'll sort this thing out . " The young man had stopped crying . He looked over to the cop . " Sorry I shot you . It just went off . I 'm sorry officer . " " Well , looks like you got one doozy of a break there . That ought to solve some of your problems . " George went into the back room and came out with a box . He pulled out a ring box . " Here you go . Something for the little woman . I don 't think Martha would mind . She said it would come in handy some day . " George reached into the box again . A toy airplane , a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next . They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell . " Here 's somethin g for that little man of yours . " The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $ 150 that the old man had handed him earlier . " And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with ? You keep that , too . Count it as part of your first week 's pay . " George said . " Now git home to your family . " " Well , after my wife passed away I just couldn 't see what all the bother was . Puttin ' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree . Bakin ' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn 't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby . " The stranger put his hand on George 's shoulder . " But you do celebrate the holiday , George . You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry . The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor . " Trust me , George . I have the inside track on this sort of thing . And when your days are done you will be with Martha again . " The stranger moved toward the door . " If you wi ll excuse me , George , I have to go now . I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned . " room . " You see , George , - - - - - - - it 's My birthday …… Merry Christmas ! A True Fairy tale . . . Once upon a time , a guy asked a girl ' Will you marry me ? ' A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy : " What do you do at Christmas time ? Patrick addressed the class : " Well Ms . Jones , me and my twelve Brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns ; then We come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door And hang up our stockings . Then all excited , we go to bed and wait For Father Christmas to come with all our toys . " Very nice Patrick , " she said . " Now Jimmy Brown , what do you do At Christmas ? " Well , Ms . Jones , me and my sister also go to church with Mum And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late . We Put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings . We hardly sleep , waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents . Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to Leave him out of the discussion , she asked , " Now , Isaac Cohen , What do you do at Christmas ? " Isaac said , " Well , it 's the same thing every year . . . . Dad comes Home from the office . We all pile into the Rolls Royce ; then we Drive to Dad 's toy factory . When we get inside , we look at all the Empty shelves . . . And begin to sing : " What A . Friend We Have In Jesus . " Then we all go to the Bahamas . . " The three Dolls in a man 's life are : 1 . . . . . . . . His Daughter , ' Baby doll ' 2 . . . . . . . . . His Girlfriend , ' Barbie doll ' Wait for it 3 . . . . . His Wife , ' Panadol ' . A mother was working in the kitchen , listening to her five - year - old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room . As the mother began to smile , the child added . . . . . . . . . . ' For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay , please see the fat controller in the kitchen . Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England . He asks her , " Your Majesty , how do you run such an efficient government ? Obama frowns , then asked , " But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent ? " The Queen takes a sip of tea . " Oh , that 's easy , you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle . " The Queen smiles and says , " Answer me this please , Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child . It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it ? " Without pausing for a moment , Tony Blair answers , " That would be me . " " Yes ! Very good , " says the Queen . Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden , his vice presidential choice the same question ~ ~ ~ " Joe , answer this for me . Your mother and your father have a child . It 's not your brother and it 's not your sister . Who is it ? " " I 'm not sure , " says Biden . " Let me get back to you on that one . " He goes to his advisors and asks every one , but none can give him an answer . Finally , he ends up in the men 's room and recognizes Colin Powell 's shoes in the next stall . Biden asks Powell , " Colin , can you answer this for me ? Your mother and father have a child and it 's not your brother or your sister . Who is it ? " Colin Powell yells back , " That 's easy ~ It 's me ! " Biden smiles , and says , " Thanks ! " Then , he goes back to speak with Obama . " Say , I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle . It is Colin Powell ! " Jennifer a manager at The Warehouse had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening . . After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified . Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question . Their answer would determine which of them would get the job . ' Excellent ! ' said Jennifer . ' The blink of an eye , that 's a very popular cliche for speed . ' She then turned to the third man , who was contemplating his reply . . ' Well , out at my dad 's ranch , you step out of the house and on the wall there 's a light switch . . . When you flip that switch , way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant . ' Yip , TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of ' . Women are clever . Don 't mess with them . Attention female readers : this is the end of the joke for you . Stop here and continue feeling good . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show . PS : If you are a woman and are still reading this ; it only goes to show that women never listen . . now run along and put the kettle on , there 's a love . Eleven people were hanging on a rope , under a helicopter . As soon as she finished her speech , all the men started clapping . . CORPORATE SHAKE - UP If you 've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through , you will love this ! Arcelor - Mittal Steel , feeling it was time for a shakeup , hired a new CEO . The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers . On a tour of the facilities , the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall . The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business . He asked the guy , " How much money do you make a week ? " A little surprised , the young man looked at him and said , " I make $ 400 a week . Why ? " The CEO said , " Wait right here . " He walked back to his office , came back in two minutes , and handed the guy $ 1 , 600 in cash and said , " Here 's four weeks ' pay . Now GET OUT and don 't come back . " Feeling pretty good about himself , the CEO looked around the room and asked , " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof - ball did here ? " From across the room a voice said , " He is the Pizza delivery guy from Domino 's . " When he had gone about three blocks , he met an old woman . She was sitting in the park , staring at some pigeons . The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase . He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry , so he offered her some chips . She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him . Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again , so he offered her a root beer . Again , she smiled at him . The boy was delighted ! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling , but they never said a word . When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later , his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face . She asked him , " What did you do today that made you so happy ? " He replied , " I had lunch with God . " But before his mother could respond , he added , " You know what ? She 's got the most beautiful smile I 've ever seen ! " Meanwhile , the old woman , also radiant with joy , returned to her home . Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked , " Mother , what did you do today that made you so happy ? " She replied , " I ate potato chips in the park with God . " However , before her son responded , she added , " You know , he 's much younger than I expected . " Too often we underestimate the power of a touch , a smile , a kind word , a listening ear , an honest compliment , or the smallest act of caring , all of which have the potential to turn a life around . People come into our lives for a reason , a season , or a lifetime . Embrace all equally ! Have lunch with God … bring chips ! Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart . He was stiff - legged and walking slowly . One student said to his friend : " I 'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome . Those people walk just like that . " The other student says : " No , I don 't think so . The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome . He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class . " Since they couldn 't agree they decided to ask the old man . They approached him and one of the students said to him : We 're medical students and couldn 't help but notice the way you walk , but we couldn 't agree on the syndrome you might have . Could you tell us what it is ? " The old man said , " I 'll tell you , but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think . " The first student said , " I think its Peltry Syndrome . " The old man said , " You thought . . . . . . . But you are wrong . " The other student said , " I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome . " The old man said , " You thought . . . . . . . But you are wrong . " So they asked him , " Well , old timer , what do you have ? " The old man said , " I thought it was a Fart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But I was wrong , too ! " A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table , gives the husband a big open - mouthed kiss , says she 'll see him later and walks away . The Value of a Drink " Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . . If I didn 't drink this wine , they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered . Then I say to myself , " It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver . " ~ Jack Handy WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " I feel sorry for people who don 't drink . When 20 they wake up in the morning , that 's as good as they 're going to feel all day . " ~ Frank Sinatra WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher , smarter , faster and better looking than most people . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " When I read about the evils of drinking , I gave up reading . " ~ Henny Youngman WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " 24 hours in a day , 24 beers in a case . Coincidence ? I think not . " ~ Stephen Wright WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " When we drink , we get drunk . When we get drunk , we fall asleep . When we fall asleep , we commit no sin . When we commit no sin , we go to heaven . So , let 's all get drunk and go to heaven ! " ~ Brian O ' Rourke WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause pre gnancy . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy . " ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING : The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Without question , the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer . Oh , I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention , but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza . " ~ Dave2 . A set of jump leads walk into a bar . The bartender says , ' I 'll serve you , but don 't start anything . ' 7 . ' Doc , I can 't stop singing ' The Green , Green Grass of Home . ' ' That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome . ' ' Is it common ? ' ' Well , It 's Not Unusual . ' 8 . Two cows are standing next to each other in a field . Daisy says to Dolly , ' I was artificially inseminated this morning . ' ' I don 't believe you , ' says Dolly . ' It 's true ; no bull ! ' exclaims Daisy . 12 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident . He shouted , ' Doctor , doctor , I can 't feel my legs ! ' The doctor replied , ' I know you can 't - I 've cut off your arms ! ' 16 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold , so they lit a fire in the craft . It sank , proving once again that you can 't have your kayak and heat it too . 17 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel , and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After about an hour , the manager came out of the office , and asked them to Years later , Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture , she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her husband responds , ' They 're twins ! If you 've seen Juan , you 've seen Ahmal . ' 19 . Mahatma Gandhi , as you know , walked barefoot most of the time , which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very little , which made him rather frail and with his odd diet , he suffered from bad breath . 20 . And finally , there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends , with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh . No pun in ten did . Wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends , but it is so difficult in today 's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone . So I met with my lawyer yesterday , and on his advice I wish to say the following to you my dear friends : This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal . It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting . It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / himself or others and is void where prohibited by law , and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher . This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting , whichever comes first , and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher . Disclaimer : No trees were harmed in the sending of this message ; however , a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced . Recently , while going through an airport during one of his many trips , President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard , wearing a white robe and sandals , holding a staff . President Bush went up to the man and said , " Has anyone told you that you look like Moses ? " The man didn 't answer . He just kept staring straight ahead . The president said , " Moses ! " in a loud voice . The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and , pointing to the robed man , asked him , " Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you ? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed . " Well , " said the president , " Every time I say his name , he ignores me and stares straight ahead , refusing to speak . Watch ! " Again the president yelled , " Moses ! " and again the man ignored him . The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered , " You look just like Moses . Are you Moses ? " The man leaned over and whispered back , " Shhhh ! Yes , I am Moses . The last time I talked to a bush , I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil . " Choose a number between 1 and 9 of the times in a weel that you sould like to dine out . He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in . In the middle of the room was a large round table . In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew , which smelled delicious and made the holy man 's mouth water . The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly . They appeared to be famished . They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful . But because the handle was longer than their arms , they could not get the spoons back into their mouths . They went to the next room and opened the door . It was exactly the same as the first one . There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man 's mouth water . The people were equipped with the same long - handled spoons , but here the people were well nourished and plump , laughing and talking . The holy man said , ' I don 't understand . ' It is simple , ' said the Lord . ' It requires but one skill . You see they have learned to feed each other , while the greedy think only of themselves . ' Remember that I will always share my spoon with you . A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist . The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window . He immediately told her to get undressed . He was a DWARF ! ! He looked up at me and said , " I 'm NOT fucking happy ! " So I said , " Which fucking one ARE you then ? " That 's how the fight started . . . . The Bathtub Test It doesn 't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time , and this should help get you started . During a visit to the mental asylum , a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized . " Well , " said the Director , " we fill up a bathtub , then we offer a teaspoon , a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub . " " Oh , I understand , " said the visitor . " A normal person would use the bucket because it 's bigger than the spoon or the teacup . " " No . " said the Director , " A normal person would pull the plug . Do you want a bed near the window ? " Apologies in advance for this one ! ! ! GRIN I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $ 10 . him on his bottom . Connor began to cry . She thought about what she had just witnessed . Kathleen quickly responded , " He shouldn 't have crawled in there in the first place . . . . . . . . . " Yes , it is . " " Can you tell me where I can see it ? " " Yes . I live at 1802 West 34th Street . It 's a yellow house , and the beginning , God created the earth and rested . Then God created Man and rested . Then God created Woman . Since then , neither God nor Man has rested . ensues : " Hello ? " " Honey , It 's me . Are you at the club ? " Yes . " Great ! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are . I saw a beautiful mink coat . . . It is absolutely gorgeous ! ! Can I buy it ? " " What 's the price ? " " Only $ 1 , 500 . 00 " " Well , OK , go ahead and get , if you like it that much . . . " " Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership if you would tell me about this ? " ( pointing to the bowl ) . " Oh , yes , " she replied , " isn 't it wonderful ? I was walking downtown last fall and I found table . Hence , their wedding was proclaimed , and the witch answered Arthur 's question . What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of The new Pope was having a shower . Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules , he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist , and this was one of these occasions . Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air . " Hold on a minute " said the Pope . " You can 't do that . You 'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church . " . " This picture is my lottery win " said the photographer . " I 'll be financially secure for life . " So , the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer , and after lots of negotiation , they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid . The Pope then dried himself off , and headed off with his new camera . He met his housekeeper , who spotted the camera . " That looks like a really good camera , " she said , " how much did it cost you ? " " Two million quid " replied the Pope . " TWO MILLION QUID ! " said the housekeeper . . . " They must have seen you coming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Here are some viruses to |
I don 't know what is up with me these past few days . I have been waking up at 4 : 30 am and cannot fall back asleep . I have slept good through the night , but at 4 : 30 in the morning , bam , my body wants to get up . So , here I am . I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had gone to the laundromat . It was OK , just didn 't like hauling all the clothes in and out of the laundromat . Not to mention the expense . Here , there are 6 laundry facilities , but , you have to purchase a laundry card to insert into the washer and dryer . It 's easy . Go to office , purchase card , load it up with money and you 're set . When balance is low , go back to office and load it up again . I purchased said card yesterday afternoon . I also did two loads of clothes . The washers and dryers work beautifully . The facility is clean . I 'm not too far from one of the laundry rooms . As I put the clean clothes away , I thought to myself that that wasn 't so bad . Going to finish up this afternoon and my laundry will be done for the week . Another adjustment to apartment living , but , it 's OK . Husband is the same . This morning is bath day . I bought him 2 pairs of sweats yesterday . They are easier for me to dress him with , plus they keep him warm . They are also very comfortable . I had been given some adult diapers over a year ago . I had tucked them in the closet to save for the day he would need them . Of course , we all knew that that day came last week . They are nice , however , they are a smaller size than what he needs . We used them because that 's all I had . I got him some Depends yesterday , and what a great fit . They were a little expensive , $ 10 . 96 for a package of 20 . We 'll see how they work . If I can find cheaper that still keeps him dry , I may have to buy those . A friend said Walgreens carries their store brand for a dollar cheaper and are comparable to Depends . Tyler came over yesterday . Of course , husband was sleeping , so I was able to warn him of what he was to see . His face fell as I woke husband up and he saw the damage right away . As I helped husband up and into the living room , I heard Tyler say under his breath , " Oh man . " He looked at husband and said softly , " Hey , bud . " Husband enjoyed the visit . Oh , how he loves the kids . As I was coming in the apt with the last load of laundry last night , my neighbor , Michele was leaving . She is nice . She asked me how we were doing , especially husband . Because husband doesn 't go out anymore , my neighbors thought I lived alone . So , I had to explain that husband is very ill , terminal , in fact . They have all been so understanding and compassionate . We sat on the porch and talked for about 20 minutes . She said something to me that made me stop and wonder . As she was leaving , she said , " You know , Sue , if you had not told me about your husband , I never would 've guessed you are living a nightmare . You are always smiling , glowing , in fact . You must have a special connection to God . " Took a few days off to gather my thoughts . This new routine I 've had to establish has been hard in some respects . I 've also had to find some bigger girl pants to wear each day . I think I found them . In this new routine , I now bathe husband every other day . Yesterday was the " every other day " . Husband loved it . While he lounges in the tub , I get out clean clothes and fresh diaper . Then , I soap him down , rinse him off and help him out of the tub . I would shower him , but , he can 't stand for very long and because he is in diapers now , well , I want to make sure he is clean , all over , if you know what I mean . Getting him to sit in the tub is hard because his legs are so so stiff . They remind me of wood . He also can 't follow directions well because his brain doesn 't compute much anymore . Once I get him down , he loves it . Getting him back up is another ordeal . Yesterday was better than Sunday . I dry him off , powder him , put deodorant on and away we go to the bedroom to dress . Ever try dressing an adult ? With stiff legs and a brain that doesn 't work anymore ? He doesn 't know his left from his right , so I tap the arm that needs to go into a shirt sleeve . It takes a little longer for him to realize that the arm needs to go up and through the sleeve . Once dressed , I fix his breakfast . He eats , has his medication and goes back to bed . He is now sleeping for about 5 - 7 hours each day . Dr A said to not let him sleep so much during the day . I followed his orders for months . Since moving , and with this spiral into the unknown , it has caused him so much confusion and agitation , I said phooey to that , let him sleep . He 's more relaxed during sleep and wakes up in the afternoon in a calm state . I 'm all about keeping him calm . Sometimes , you gotta do what you think is best . Sleep for him is best . While he is sleeping , I straighten up the apt , take the dog out for walks , do some stained glass painting and , if there is a good trial on Tru TV , I watch that . Actually , I 'm in the middle of a good trial now . Very interesting . Once husband is awake , I make him a snack , we do some small talk that consists of me answering his questions over and over , then , he goes back to bed to lay down . He watches some TV . This is my life now . I like routine . It 's good for me . It 's good for husband . I need this kind of order in my life . I also have found that the more there is routine for husband , the less confusion he has . A little glimpse into my life . Not that exciting , but , if husband has a good day , then I know I 've accomplished what I set out to do when I woke in the morning . Why does he have to suffer ? Why do I have to care for a husband like an infant ? Why is there a heaviness in my chest ? Why doe he have to die ? I don 't know . I only know that God is here with me , each and every day . While I care for husband , I feel God close to me . He 's real , He 's there . When I have to lift husband out of the tub , I feel God close . I can almost hear Him saying to me , " There , there , easy does it . " Posted by It was not a good weekend . Husband has continued this downward spiral . I always told myself that I would know when the time was right for Home Health Care . I hesitated before , because he still had some of his faculties . He could dress himself , bathe himself , take himself to the bathroom . All that ended this weekend . Since last week , I have had to dress him and assist him in going to the bathroom . That was when I introduced the adult diapers . He has worn them since without a fight . Late Saturday night and into the wee hours of Sunday was a nightmare . He couldn 't find the bathroom , his state of confusion had reached it 's limit . It was a rough night . When he woke yesterday morning , I fed him breakfast , and told him I was going to give him a haircut and bathe him . With him wearing diapers now , I want to make sure he is clean . He was confused about that , but , did not fight me on it . Because husband can 't communicate to other people much anymore , I have taught myself how to cut his hair . He no longer goes to the barber . After his breakfast , I gave him a haircut . It turned out nice and neat . Then , it was time for his bath . He relaxed in the tub as I talked to him softly . As I poured the hot water over him , he would tell me how good that felt . I scrubbed him down . I told him I was going to do this every other day from now on because I want him to be clean . Getting him out of the tub was difficult as his legs are so stiff . Once he was out , I powdered him down , put deodorant on him , he brushed his teeth . Got him dressed in fresh clean clothes and he laid down on the bed and promptly fell asleep for 5 hours . I let him sleep . While he was sleeping , I knew it was time . Time for the professionals to come in and help me out . So , I will call this morning and set it all up . Maybe once a nurse is here , I can have a little freedom . Oh , wouldn 't that be nice . I have to find me again . It 's time . I decided to go to the laundromat to wash husband 's pants . They were all soiled . I was gone for about an hour . Came home , walked in the door and there was husband , slumped over in his wheel chair , sound asleep . I hope none of you ever have to see something like that . My first thought was , " Oh no , " but , I saw him breathe , so I knew he was only asleep . I woke him up . He did not recognize me at first , then , gave me a little smile . I changed the sheets on the bed and got him back to bed . He slept for a few hours . I usually don 't like him sleeping so much , but , with this constant confusion , he only seems peaceful when asleep . Even Dr A says too much sleeping is not good . Forget it . I 'm here , I see the confusion , he doesn 't recognize even me at times . So , if he 's peaceful when sleeping , so be it . The very idea of him not recognizing me brings me to my knees . That is the ultimate betrayal of Alzheimer 's . It makes me want to scream at him , " IT ' S ME , YOUR WIFE . " He doesn 't do it all the time . But , I 've noticed it happening more and more as days go by . If it happened twice on Thursday , then it happened 4 times yesterday . Every day it becomes more and more obvious that he does not recognize me . On the flip side of Alzheimer 's , husband wears his " diapers " without a fight . When he woke up yesterday afternoon , he could not make it to the bathroom on time , so , of course , wet his pants . He was amazed that his " underwear " held it in . As I was helping him change , he kept saying how neat that was . His pants weren 't wet , he was totally dry . I helped him shower , then , got out a clean pair , put those on him . He 's totally comfortable with them . Amazing . I am totally flying by the seat of my pants here . I 'm not a " professional " caregiver . I make decisions on the spur of the moment . These decisions are based on where we are at , at the moment , with his progression of this disease . It 's not easy . Posted by Yesterday was spent very quiet . I puttered around the apt and did some stained glass painting . Husband sat in his wheel chair , in the living room with me and stared blankly around . He did not talk much . He didn 't seem depressed , nor sad , nor anything . I would look at him , but , there was no recognition in anything . Sometimes , being so quiet is disturbing to me . I don 't like this kind of quiet . It 's not peaceful . It 's the sound of impending death . Not comfortable . I can 't believe how fast husband has faded . Ever since we moved , 2 weeks ago . I blame myself for this , although I know it 's not my fault . I feel guilty for taking him away from what was familiar . I knew it would affect him , just not to this extent . An old friend of husband 's called yesterday . After talking to her for awhile , I handed the phone to husband . I watched him , listening to her . He would nod his head , then , when it was his turn to talk , the only thing he constantly said was , " So , how are you guys doing ? " That 's it . He did not answer her questions , just kept repeating that same question . Finally , she asked to speak to me again . Once I got back on the phone , all she said was , " Oh my God , Sue . " Husband went to sleep early last night . He was quiet as I changed his " Protective Underwear " , better known as Adult Diapers . He asked if he should wear regular underwear . I told him it was not necessary . I got him into bed and he said all he wanted to do was sleep . I left him alone . I woke in the middle of the night to find husband trying to get out of bed . I asked him if he was OK , he said , " I can 't get out of bed anymore . " I pray that he will soon go to sleep and wake in Heaven . It 's all just too much . For him . Posted by I had to do something yesterday that no wife should ever have to do . No one before me , nor anyone after me . I put my once big , strong and full of life husband in diapers last night . Husband continues to be in his own world . He slept most of the day yesterday . I wanted him to go outside and roll around in his scooter chair . He looked at me as if I were crazy . Went to bed and slept instead . He ate a good dinner , then , back to bed . He talked a little bit , during dinner , but , that was it . The past several days he has asked me to help him get dressed . He has forgotten how to put on clothes now . His socks he puts on himself , but , the heel part are on the top of his feet , instead of his heel . His underwear , he tries to put on backwards . Shirts ? Backwards . Pants are another thing . I now assist him in getting dressed . His legs have become very stiff . Each night now , I pull the bed covers back , he sits down on the bed and I have to lift his legs up on the bed . He can no longer do that either . He is still obsessed with the bed covers . Says I have changed the way I make the bed . That 's why he says he has trouble getting into bed . I just agree , no use in arguing over it . I read about this . I read that they will need help in getting dressed . They will need assistance with everything . I read it , knew it would happen . It just seemed so far off . Well , it 's here . That time has come . I 'm sad about that . Not , cry your heart out , kind of sad , just sad at all that 's been lost . He 's so helpless now . As I was lifting his legs into bed last night , I looked at him . He was looking up at me . I smiled at him . His eyes looked so sad . He did not smile back . He 's lost . In a way , after all he fought , I think he has given up . Or , Alzheimer 's has completely taken over now . What I saw in his eyes was defeat last night . It 's over . Alzheimer 's may have won the battle , but it can 't erase the memories I have . I have no husband anymore . That part of my life is over . Posted by I like getting up early , before the sun comes up . It 's so quiet , peaceful . The beginning of a new day . That 's when I do my thinking . Planning my day , thinking up ways to keep me occupied , hoping husband will have a good day and sometimes thinking of the day before and how it went . For a little while , I can be me . I like that . All too soon , husband wakes up and my day will be determined by how he is . Sometimes good , sometimes not so good . I wait for the other shoe to drop every day . You just never know with husband and Alzheimer 's . Keeps you on your toes for sure . Father in law came yesterday . He liked the apt . Said I made it warm and cozy . Also said that in me describing it , he thought it would be really small and cramped . Actually , it 's small , but roomy . Husband had a nice visit with his dad . He seemed in better spirits after FIL left . I got out my stained glass painting stuff also . Last week , I put two of my paintings in the big living room window . They look so pretty there when the sun comes through . As I was walking up the path leading to our apt yesterday morning after taking the trash out , I looked at the paintings and thought , " Why , they look just like store bought stained glass . " So , I had one pattern I had outlined but never finished , so , I painted that and it looks so nice . I went online and found a few more free patterns and printed those out . I have some glass and am going to outline those today . Outlining is tedious . The hardest part of stained glass . You have to have a steady hand . Otherwise , it will come out curly and messy looking . There have been days where I have had to re - do because of a not so steady hand . Thanks , Alzheimer 's . It 's keeps me busy . I enjoy doing it . As soon as I can , I want to post pictures of the apt and my stained glass paintings . I just need to learn how to get them on here . There are pictures from Jack 's graduation I still want to post . My laptop is old and oftentimes slow . I want an IPad . Yeah , OK , sure . If I had an IPad , I 'm sure it would be better . Tyler said he would come by tomorrow , he knows how to do it . Maybe he will show me how and you can see my pictures , finally . Jack called on Sunday . He is half way through tech school . He said once he graduates , he will get a 14 day leave and come home . Then ? Off to Germany . He sounds so good . We have great conversations . Husband continues to be confused . He has been a little depressed the last few days . I try to lift his spirits , offering to take him outside when it is good weather , I suggest things he could do or show him stuff I 've done . Most of the time , he gives me that blank stare as if I am speaking a foreign language . He just doesn 't get it anymore . His memory is worse this week than last week . Yes , it 's that pronounced . It 's so obvious now . The worse for me is watching him spin in circles . Granted , it 's not a fast spin , he doesn 't move fast , but it 's a spin . I close my eyes when I witness that . I don 't like it . I always imagine it 's his brain on the spin cycle . His poor brain . When you look into his eyes , you can see the brain damage being done . Trust me , it 's not something I like to look at . I try to avoid his eyes . I don 't want him to see my reaction . Course , even if he did , I don 't think it would register anymore with him . I 've also noticed the last several weeks , fleeting moments of him not recognizing me . It 's just a second or two , but , I 've seen it . I pray that doesn 't happen . I don 't know what I 'd do if he forgot me . Like I said earlier , I 'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop . " Like sand through the hour glass , so are the days of my life , " or so it goes . I got to thinking of this saying last night and this morning . I have pretty much settled in the apt . Am getting a routine . I like this apartment living . Neighbors are quiet and respectful . I have met several neighbors . All seem nice . Dogs are the " kids " here . Everyone has them . While out walking my dog , we get to talking about our animals . We are always stopped with neighbors telling me how cute my dog is . He really is cute . He 's a Maltese with a spirit you can 't break . We had our big dog , Bessie since she was 8 weeks old . Knowing we were going to this apartment , I knew it wouldn 't be fair to keep her confined . Our old landlord 's sister runs a rescue farm for dogs . She found a couple who wanted her . So , Bessie went to a new home 2 weeks ago . They called me and told me that she is thriving . She has 3 / 4 of an acre to run and bark . They said she is happy . Giving my dog away was hard . I did not post it here when she went away . I wasn 't ready . That was hard . It broke my heart . I have never given a dog away . I cried when they left . But , knowing now that she is so happy and has freedom , well , I feel better . But , hearing her name gives me a twinge in my chest . So many changes . So many adjustments lately . Sometimes , I have to stop myself and wonder at all these changes since November and my decision to give up a big house , give a dog away and move to a small apartment . Wow . I think it all caught up with me last night . Whew . That was a lot to deal with . But , like the saying goes , " so are the days of my life . " Husband is still not 100 % . Who am I kidding ? He 'll never be that again . He is adjusting , slowly , but is not with it much of the time . He will sit in the living room , looking out the window at the park like setting , the duck pond with the water feature and be in his own world . Sometimes , he will be talkative , other times , silent . I look at him when he is quiet and wonder just what he is thinking . I wonder , are his thoughts jumbled up , like his speech ? Does he hear voices ? Mostly , he will tell me about his childhood . Funny , he can 't remember to pull back the bed covers , but , his childhood is crystal clear . His speech , for the most part , is always slurred . He will start to talk , forget a word , stumble over words , then , with a wave of his hand , stop talking . I fill in the blanks for him . It comes automatically to me . I think he likes that I do that for him . Huh , filling in the blanks . Seems like I 've been doing a lot of that lately . In more ways than one . Thank you for your comment . Yes , there are support groups out there , and I do plan on looking into it , however , this week was not the week to do so . Once we are settled , or , rather , husband gets more familiar with his surroundings , that is my plan . I also need to contact Dr A 's nurse to set us up for home visits . If not for husband , for me . To get out , run errands , or , just go somewhere and play pretend I have a normal life again . Some of you asked me how the heck did I downsize so much . Well , it wasn 't easy . I just went through everything , asking myself how much do I use this or that , and decided I didn 't need it after all . Some of the things I donated were hard to part with , but , my mind was set on survival , so it made sense to get rid of . A lot of stuff I gave to Marie . Like , towels . I never realized how many towels I had . I gave all to Marie , saving 4 bath towels , 4 hand towels and 4 wash cloths . Sheets were another thing . I had sheets from Jack & Kristen 's beds . All given to Marie . Dishes , all given to Marie . I kept most of my pans , only giving the big ones to Marie . It was just a matter of taking stock of what I had and what could go . Another strange day yesterday . We are still obsessed with sheets and comforters . I am trying to find something amusing about all of this . Haven 't found it yet , but , it 's not bothering me as much as it did a few days ago . I was watching TV last night and looked down the hallway , into the bedroom . Husband was standing , holding on to the closet doors and turning around and around in circles . I asked him if he was OK , he stopped , mumbled something and sat back down on the bed . That was bothersome to me . I had to transfer husband 's meds to the pharmacy in our new area . The pharmacy is a big chain , located throughout the city . The old pharmacy was great , and this one is just as great . As I picked up his anti - seizure yesterday , I thanked them for being so prompt . The pharmacist came out to meet me and asked why Dr A had prescribed such a high dose for someone who is only 47 . I explained what he suffers from . The cashier and pharmacist were stunned . Said they had never come across someone so young being affected by Alzheimer 's . Today , for the first time in years , I am going to the laundromat . Actually , I am looking forward to going . I know , sounds strange . But , because my world is so limited now , the thought of going to the laundromat is exciting . Something new . Another adventure . " Alzheimer 's patients become obsessed with the little and oftentimes , odd things " , I read about 3 years ago . It is during the final stage of the disease , and they become almost paranoid about the most unusual things one would never even think of . When I read this , at the time , husband was in the process of being diagnosed ( although I knew he was suffering from it ) , and I thought that was such a long way off . Never gave it another thought . Well , the time has come . Husband has become obsessed with our bed , the comforter and those beloved sheets . He made and re - made the bed 3 times yesterday . When I got ready for bed last night , I walked in the room and there he was , making the bed , again . Pillows on the floor , comforter on the floor , and the sheets ? All twisted up on the bed . I made the bed , got him settled , all the while he was mumbling about the bed just wasn 't right . He wanted to " make it right " , as he said . By then it was almost 11 PM , I was tired . I had to be firm , telling him the bed was fine , relax , go to sleep . It took him about 5 minutes to fall asleep . I , on the other hand , laid there for awhile , thinking and remembering reading about the most unusual obsessions patients suffer from in the dreaded final stage . Here we are , folks . Stage 7 . I made him go outside yesterday , in his scooter chair . We brought the ramp from the old house , as there is a step leading to our apartment , and it fit perfectly here . As he was going down the ramp , ( a very slight incline , mind you ) , he began to get scared and told me he was going to fall . I calmed him down , told him he wouldn 't fall , I wouldn 't let him . Slowly , down the ramp he went . When it was time to go back in , he started saying he couldn 't go up the ramp , the chair would tip over . There was a real fear on his face . My heart was in my throat as I calmly helped him up the ramp . Then , I clapped my hands , told him , " Good job , honey , " as he got on the porch . He had a big smile on his face once he got up . Settling in . Love , love , love this new apartment . I have met some of my neighbors . All nice . Because husband does not go out , all assumed I lived alone . I have to explain that no , I don 't live alone , however , husband is pretty much bedridden at this point . They all give their , " I 'm so sorry 's " , tell me to call on them if I need something . I like that . They have told me this complex is a great place to live , good people , rather quiet and care about their neighbors . I feel secure here . Each day , I feel better and better about this move . Yes , I think it 's going to be OK after all . Husband has been adjusting to this new environment . He seemed better yesterday . I joked with him and he responded with a chuckle and a small laugh . His appetite was better . He still will not go outside . He may be afraid , I don 't know . Because we don 't have a cable outlet in our bedroom and the complex does not allow cable company to drill , I 've had to rig up a cable line running from living room to bedroom . Actually , you can 't even tell there is a cable line from living room to bedroom . Once I got it all hooked up , the TV kept telling me there was no signal to the TV . Frustrated , I called the cable co . They talked me through it , and what do you know , the TV talked to the cable box and husband has his TV back . He was one happy camper . Alzheimer 's is a funny disease . You know they are going to not remember anything . Comes with the territory . But , when they forget even the simple things , it sometimes upsets me . Take for instance , husband getting into bed . He has completely forgotten how to pull back the comforter and top sheet . He gets so confused . He doesn 't know that you need to get in between the sheets , not on top of the sheets . I was explaining this to him the other night . I got the bed opened , told him to get into bed . He sat down on the bed , looked up at me and said , " Can you lift my legs ? They don 't work anymore " . Ugh . Since then , I 've had to guide him on the bed , then , lift his legs . A good friend of ours helped us move Saturday . Rick knew of husband 's illness , we just haven 't seen him in quite awhile . When he got to the house Saturday , husband went up to him . Rick being Rick , looked at husband , his face fell , he recovered and said , " Hey , big guy , long time no see . How are you ? " Husband looked down at the floor and said , " Oh , not so good , I caught what my mom had . " It is done . The move went smoothly , just still a lot of work . I unpacked all of the boxes except for two yesterday . Those will be done today . I re - arranged the living room twice . I think I like it the way it is now . As I sat down to watch TV last night , even my fingernails hurt . So much work . Because we came from a 3 bdrm 2 bath house into a 1 bdrm 1 bath apt , I had to get creative in putting things away . Luckily , I have a good imagination . As I was cooking dinner last night , I forgot where I had put a few items . I would stand in the kitchen and ask myself , " Now , if I were a strainer , where would I be ? " It all worked out , and , dinner was delicious . There was a speed bump in the move however . The cable co had reassured me twice that my cable would be on in the apt Saturday . I was supposed to just plug in and go . I had told them that because my phone is hooked up through cable , and the importance of having my phone , ( husband ) I could not have service interrupted . Of course , when Pat hooked everything up , no cable . I was on my cell phone with them for hours . I finally got to speak with a manager , told her that we are supposed to be on the priority list due to husband 's illness . I explained that last week , they updated our new address with 911 , and it was then I learned we are on this priority list and could not go without phone service . She called me back and said that someone would be out Sunday . Thank you . All is well , my cable , phone and internet is up and running . Oh , the cable guy told me that yes , we indeed are on the priority list , that this will not happen again . If cable goes out , we would be the first for restoration . Yay . The apt is wonderful . I 've met some really nice people . It seems everyone has dogs , so , my little one is enjoying himself . The grounds are so park - like . At night , old fashioned street lamps come on , lighting the paths through the complex . I think I made the right decision to move here . Husband did not handle the move well . He 's still not really with it . Seems to go in and out of reality . I wanted him to go out on the porch in his scooter chair yesterday . He wanted to stay indoors . Maybe today he will go outside . He hasn 't eaten much . He likes the apt , said it is real cozy . His poor brain just can 't handle all this change . Will take time to sink in for him . Yes , I did the right thing by moving here . It 'll be alright . I 'll be OK . I have to . I 'm all I have . Yesterday was a busy one . Signing the lease for the apartment took quite awhile . I teased the girls in the office that one would think I was buying the place . Boy , there was a lot to cover . I left husband at home , ( I know , I know ) so I could do this without interruption . Marie came with me . Once we got done , off we went to unload the car . Came back to the house for another load and to pick up husband . He was fine . We loaded the car again and off we went . Once we were on the freeway , husband became very confused , asking me to go back to get his bed . " I have to have my bed , " he kept saying . I softly explained to him that it was Thursday and we would move the bed Saturday , in two days . It took him awhile to get it . He likes the apartment . I like the apartment . They put in new carpeting . The only thing I don 't like is the stove . It 's old and the girl in the office apologized for it , saying she thought they had put a new one in . Said to try it out , if it didn 't work they would give me a new one . Well , it doesn 't work very well at all . So , they are replacing it today . It was bitter cold and the ducks were in the pond . Under the water feature . Husband kept joking he was going duck hunting . Let 's hope he doesn 't actually do it . Have to keep my eye on him . Husband is not handling this move well at all . He 's been a handful . If I just keep my head about things , all should go well . Oh , and just to keep things interesting , our weather is turning bad today . Wind and blowing snow is predicted for tomorrow , moving day . Gee , thanks . A lot ! I get the keys to the apartment this morning . I can start moving in today . Jerry ( my landlord 's son ) loaded my car yesterday afternoon . I plan on moving as much stuff as I can today and tomorrow and moving day is officially Saturday . I just want it to be over with . This has been hard on me . Physically and mentally . All these decisions I have made . The finality and reality that this is really MY apartment hit me last night . I started to tear up , shook myself and told myself it 's going to be alright . A new life , a new beginning . With just me . Husband had a hard day yesterday . Confusion abounds . Wandering the more or less empty house . Boxes stacked in the dining room and living room . Tyler took him out for a ride , give him some fresh air and me a break . He bought him a Vitamin Water . When they got back , poor Tyler was exhausted . He came ahead of husband and told me how confused and agitated husband became . He said he didn 't know what to do with him . Finally , he asked him if he wanted to come home . Husband said yes . Once he got back in the house , husband was fine . Tyler looked at me , confused at the sudden change in husband . With a sarcastic grin and a sarcastic voice , I looked up at him and said , " Welcome to my world . " This apartment has beautiful grounds . It also had a big duck pond , with a beautiful water feature . I have been telling husband once we get settled , I am going to take him to the pond . He remembers that and asks me how soon can we go . My living room window overlooks the pond . A really pretty view . The sight of this water feature may help my soul . My house is packed . Save for a few odds and ends , it is done . When Marie came over yesterday to help me with the rest , I showed her my EMPTY master closet . Her eyes got big and she burst out the " Hallelujah " song . Yes , it was a moment for praise . Father in law came and cleaned out our storage closet . He took most of the stuff with him to store in his garage . There are only a few items left . Husband was better yesterday . Not great , but , better . To see your life packed up in boxes , that is , what I 've kept , is hard for me too . I have given away so much stuff . I have to . We are going from a 3 bdrm , 2 bath home to a 1 bdrm , 1 bath apartment . Can we say , small ? Yep , I had to get rid of so much . Actually , it felt good to rid myself of it all . Fresh start . For me . Husband is not included in those plans . He doesn 't know this . This apartment is for me only . When husband passes , I have to be able to survive , alone . It has to be manageable . It has to be safe for me . Husband thinks I did this for us . In a way , yes I did , but , I 'm thinking long term . He 's just not included in the long term . When I replay that last sentence in my head , it doesn 't bring me to my knees . It doesn 't make me cry . It doesn 't even make me sad . This is life . And death . I 've come a long way . I 've accepted the fact that my husband , in all probability , will not live to see another Christmas . And , I 'm OK with it all . Some readers may think how cold I am . No , not cold . If one could see husband , how he is now , well , I 'm sure you 'd think the same . He suffers so . Enough of the suffering . Onward and upward . This final stage will be hard . I know . He will suffer . But , the end result will end with him in Heaven and , me ? I 'll have a place to live . And that , ladies and gentlemen , is what I 'm striving for . What a week . Sorry for the lack in posts . This moving business is for the birds . Especially when one has to do it alone . It has been a hard week . I 'm exhausted . When we moved here , I got rid of so much stuff , and now , packing , again , why , I have no idea where all this stuff came from . My living room is filled with boxes , the spare two bedrooms are empty , the 2nd bathroom is done , kitchen is done , all that 's left is my bedroom , master closet and our bathroom . My body is so tired . I get the keys to the apt on Thursday so I can start moving boxes that day and Friday . We move in officially next Saturday . Luckily , we have plenty of help . No heavy lifting for me . My landlord here has been so gracious to me , considering I 'm breaking my lease . It 's nice when you have an understanding landlord . He sees what I 'm going through with husband and told me yesterday he doesn 't know how I do it . Husband has been a handful , for sure . He doesn 't handle change well , and with our whole life packed up , well , he doesn 't understand anymore what this means . I have been in the middle of packing and he will start to wander the house , muttering to himself , forgetting to get in his wheel chair , stumble , so I have to stop what I 'm doing , get him back to bed and settled . Then , he will think I got rid of all of his things , so , I have to take the time and reassure him I 've packed his stuff . Marie has been a great help for sure . When husband starts to act up , she will calmly take him to bed , speaking softly to him , reassuring him all is well . He responds to her and calms down . The kids are on vacation and she has spent the majority of the time here , helping me . I don 't know what I would 've done without her . I hate all of this . The packing , the moving , again , the downsizing and my husband wandering the house , lost in his own world . I found him crying the other day , sitting in the hallway . I asked him why he was crying and he said , " Because I want to . " I don 't recommend finding your husband crying and lost . It 's not a pretty sight . No , I don 't know how I do it either . But , I do . Every morning , when I go to get dressed , I somehow find my Big Girl Pants and put them on . Some days are not easy to put them on . But , they always seem to fit . Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me . |
The boys are very into helping out in anyway they can . They now enjoy helping to carry silverware and plastic dishes to the dishwasher , picking up toys ( with specific instructions , follow up , as they get distracted very easily when picking up toys , and lots of praise ) and rolling out toilet paper for anyone who will let them accompany them to the bathroom : ) . They are also working very hard on their stair climbing abilities , not wanting to use their hands anymore , and Nick actually OPENED a door today . . . I mean , he actually turned the doorknob and opened a door that was completely shut ! I knew this was coming , because they have both been practicing a lot . I am really impressed with their ability to feed themselves with their little fork and spoon . They really do pretty well with it , depending of the type of food . Sometimes we have to load the spoon . I took some pictures of them both eating a bowl of broccoli the other day , while their peanut butter sandwich sat nearby , barely eaten . I have not downloaded them from the camera yet though and I can 't go back into the living room right now without losing my break time : ) . More pictures to come later . They still repeat many words we say and are initiating more and more words on their own , although pronunciation is not their strong suit yet : ) . I usually know what they are talking about though and my husband and I both have noticed they are starting to pronounce certain words more clearly . They both talk A LOT now . . . maybe that 's because I talk to them a lot : ) . I am trying to teach them to say " mama , please " when they need my help with something , instead of " uuuhhhhh ! ! uuuhhhhh ! ! " . So far , they have not remembered this on their own but they will say it when I remind them . We have decided to go ahead and order the learning tower , which I am very excited about . I think the boys will really enjoy being able to see what 's going on in the kitchen , on top of the counter tops and to help and it will be nice to be able to let them both help without having to worry about them falling . If only one of them is awake , it 's not a problem but it is too hard with two . I made a counting mistake that my husband caught . The boys have been home 5 months , as of June 23rd , not 6 months : ) . I 'm sure some of you were wondering about my math abilities . My head has not been too clear lately . . . . unfortunately , I spoke too soon in my earlier post and I am still not feeling quite back to normal yet . I have still been running a low grade fever and feeling very low energy . I really thought I was over it but it started back up again yesterday afternoon and now I also have a sore throat . I am so tired of sickness . One thing is for sure . . . there is nothing like sickness to help you appreciate your good health . I am thankful the boys are back to their normal , adorable selves and am hoping I will wake up feeling better tomorrow . I am sure they are ready to see me back to my normal , adorable momma - self : ) . My husband took the day off today , which means he was working on his projects around the house . The project for today was repairing some guttering around the house . He really can do just about anything . I forgot to mention one day earlier this week that he left me the sweetest card , telling me he would be praying for us that day . That 's when both boys were not feeling up to par and were clingy and whiny . Yesterday he brought home some beautiful star lilies . As my grandmother says , he is definitely a keeper : ) . My sister , mom and niece came to visit yesterday and it was nice to have some company . My sister is so wonderful with the boys . They are normally laughing the majority of the time she is here . She is so good at entertaining them and being silly with them . It is a joy to watch . This is really blowing my mind lately : Ben will be 2 years old in approximately 3 months ! ! I just can 't believe it ! ! And Nick is only about 6 weeks behind him . Wow , it is amazing to me how time can go by so so fast but , at the same time in other ways , it can be going by so slowly . It is a very strange thing . Isn 't that just the sweetest little quote by Don Herrold . I don 't know who he is but I just love this quote . It was on one of the pages full of quotes that I purchased for building lifebooks . I have created a kind of entry page for each of the boys ' lifebooks and used this quote on one of them . I used the following verse on both of them because I thought it was such a great way to start their lifebooks : A very fitting way to start a lifebook , I think . So I officially have one page finished for each child : ) . . . . that is , in the latest style and size that I have finally decided on . I have already created many pages on line and am using that as a guideline for the prettier hard copy pages . It is kind of fun but also a bit of a daunting task . I 'm not the most creative person , yet I can be a bit of a perfectionist , so it is a challenge for me . I am downright shocked at how expensive this whole scrapbooking thing can be . Here 's a random thought for you : Don 't you just love " smell memories " ? ( Can you tell I 'm feeling better today ? I have even showered and washed my hair : ) . Yoo Hoo ! ) I am in the middle of a couple loads of laundry and , while I was folding clothes I was thinking about how I really love " smell memories " and how my favorite one from when I was a child is the smell of the soap my grandmother always had in her bathroom . I 'm not sure exactly what it was but it was white , probably ivory or something like that . But , no matter where I am , anytime I smell that smell , I immediately think of my grandmother 's bathroom , standing at that sink , washing my hands , and I smile . I love the smell of our clean laundry . I love the smell of the Downy Mountain Spring that we use . It leaves the clothes smelling so fresh and wonderful . I also love the smell that wafts through the air when the white 's are washing and there is bleach in the washer with them . It just smells so clean . The boys woke up at 9 : 00 today , second day in a row . Must be because it is so dark outside because of the clouds and rainy weather . They went down for their nap around noon and are still sleeping , so I have had a nice break to get a few things done this afternoon . It has been a nice and relaxing day so far . Nick is back to his sweet , jolly , very active self that I love and adore . Ben still had around 100 degrees fever but , after his motrin , he was running around playing , almost like normal . He is not quite as smiley and happy as normal though and I miss that . . . I 'm sure he does too . Both boys are eating better today . I am feeling much better today too , even though I am still running around 99 . 5 degree temp myself . I 'm sure the boys have missed my smiley , jolly self too : ) . But I am definitely feeling more like myself today , thankfully . I did end up moving both entire sets of blocks ( plastic mega blocks and wooden blocks ) to the living room and the boys noticed them immediately this morning . So I picked them each up a couple times and then finally decided to leave the plastic mega blocks lying on the fireplace hearth . They can still play with them but they are out of the way of the walking path . I think the favorite thing about the blocks so far is putting some of them back in the bag and then dumping them out again . It is so much fun to watch the play of toddlers , isn 't it ? My sister , niece and mom are coming for a visit tomorrow . The boys and I were suppose to meet them at my grandmother 's house tomorrow but we don 't want to expose grandma to our illness so we will hopefully get to go for that visit next week . We have not seen her in quite a while , so I am really looking forward to seeing her again . It will be nice to have company tomorrow . Well , must go fold the last load of laundry before the boys wake up . We have been stuck in the house for way to long now . Hopefully the rain will clear up , at least for a little while today . It is so hard to get out of the house with two little ones , without getting drenched . Also , we have been sick of course , and I don 't like getting them out when they are sick . I don 't feel good about exposing others and I think it 's better for the sickies to be resting at home , as much as little ones rest . I wish I had their energy ! The boys are still sleeping but I am hoping that they will both be waking up with no fever today . We took temps before bed last night and Nick was normal and Ben was still running around 100 degrees . He slept well last night though , so hopefully today he will be feeling good again . I am still running around 100 degrees myself and was feeling pretty rough yesterday afternoon . I felt so bad for Ben yesterday though . He wanted to eat so badly , whereas Nick was totally not interested when he had such a high fever . I just kind of followed Ben 's lead , letting him try what he wanted to try . He wanted the chicken pot pie that I fixed for them for lunch and he had one bite and then couldn 't seem to eat anymore , although he kept looking at it like he wanted it . Then he kept wanting milk ( he had water ) so I finally gave him some and it made him happy . He held the cup for a while and then gave it back to me : ) . They ate some crackers but were not very interested in cheese or apple slices for snack . Ben had mostly saltine crackers but he wanted so much more and I could tell he was really bummed . Hopefully he will be able to eat a little more today . I think I 'll try serving chicken noodle soup again and see how that goes over today . This rain is never ending . Their little swimming pool is about to overflow with water now and it just keeps coming down . Last year at this time , we were in the middle of a major drought . I guess you just have to look at the average : ) , although I 'm sure the farmers are really struggling . I have been pulling out the stops , trying to find fun things for the boys to do . Yesterday we got out all of the wooden blocks ( we normally keep a subset of them accessible because they used to throw them and put the long skinny ones in their mouths . . . may need to reconsider that now because they seem to handle them better yesterday ) and we also got out all of the plastic mega blocks , which they really enjoyed . We also have only been keeping a subset of those available because they could not put them together very well but we probably need to reconsider that too because they are pretty good at this now . Get ready for a messier house : ) . I will really have to relax about this and pray about it a lot ! Ben woke up around 2 : 30 am and I gave him another dose of motrin . I rocked him for a while and put him back down around 3 : 00 am . He seemed ready to go back to sleep and did not protest , although Nick heard us and stood up crying in his crib . So I held him for a minute also . So , the sick child didn 't make a peep when I left the room but the well child was crying ; not for long though . I was watching Nick last night , after Ben started wanting me to hold him again . Nick was actually behaving much better and he got in my lap and sat with us for a few seconds : ) . He doesn 't sit anywhere for too long . Today I will have to do a better job of keeping a smile on my face , talking nicely and thinking of things to keep him busy . I 'm afraid yesterday hit me like a freight train and I did not do a very good job of doing these things and Nick felt the brunt of it . I think I was expecting him to behave more like Ben , who will go play by himself , very content and happy , for a little while . Last night , when I was watching Nick , I realized that he is really a people person . He likes to be with people . So when Ben is well and is running around playing with toys , Nick is happy to run around too , playing with toys and they are almost always together , doing whatever they are doing . I think Nick felt a little lost , not having Ben around . So I will have to work on my patience today and mommy needs to put on a happy face and be a nicer mommy to be around . That will likely help a lot . In other news , it is STILL raining here . It seems like it has rained at least some , almost every single day . There are very few days that go by that we don 't get some rain . Now , normally , that might be a good thing . But we have had soooo much rain so far this year that everything is down right soggy . Our new red bud tree that we planted in the spring of 2006 has died . We didn 't plant it up high enough , which did not matter all year long , until we got all of this rain . Some of my beautiful flowers are no longer blooming because they are in an area that cannot handle this much rain ( same line of fire as the red bud tree ) . We live on a big hill and our neighbors yard is a little higher than ours so a lot of water drains from their yard , down our driveway and into a part of our yard , hence the dead tree and non - blooming flowers . I cleaned out the little swimming pool last week and filled it with water . The boys were able to get one swim in before there was once again too much rain and / or everyone got sick . Now it needs to be cleaned again and it is over - full with water from all of the rain . On the flip side of this , I really do enjoy a good thunderstorm . They are so interesting to watch and to listen to . Yesterday we had a really good , short one . The wind blew really hard and the rain was pouring for a short time . It is awesome to watch a really good thunderstorm with all of the lightening and everything . N gets scared when he hears the thunder though . Hopefully I will eventually be able to teach him to appreciate a good thunderstorm . Ben woke up with a fever after his morning nap today , oh joy . This was the first time we have ever seen Ben with anything higher than a low grade fever , so now we know how he reacts . He wants to be held 100 % of the time , which is understandable when you are such a little guy and feeling so miserable . If I put him down for even the shortest period of time , he would cry his little heart out . He would lay on me and would be totally limp , to the degree that I was worried about him a couple of times , looking in his face and wondering if he was OK . I took his temperature a million times today . We also now have a new understanding of how Nick reacts to how Ben reacts to being sick . When Nick saw me trying to hold Ben as much as possible , Nick was jealous and wanted me to pick him up too . To be fair , he is still recovering from not eating for 3 days and having a very high temperature for much of that time . Anyway , when I sat down so I could hold them both , Nick was not satisfied because he really wanted me to hold only him . So , his response to all of this was to do everything possible to get attention . He never once went to play with toys on his own while Ben was awake . He constantly and consistently did one thing after another that he knew he should not do , watching me and waiting for me to respond . Did I mention that I was also still running a low - grade fever myself and , generally , feeling exhausted , and that I was holding a ( heavy ) sick child most of the time ? This did not make for a good combination . I had also set up an appointment with a guy to check out our attic ventilation , as our upstairs area gets way too hot on hot days . So he was here part of the time when all of this was going on and then he was trying to talk to me and explain what our options are , all the while Nick is misbehaving and doing everything possible to get attention and Ben cries when I put him down to put Nick in his highchair and give him a snack , etc . You get the idea . It was a fun day . Actually , this would rate up there as one of my all time worse days . Just so you know how desperate I was , I actually turned on the TV for about 45 minutes and let the boys watch Animal Planet 's Funniest Home Videos ( or funniest animals or whatever they call it ) . The boys loved watching the animals and this kept them entertained for a while . Nick was clapping and yelling and very excited in general about all of the animals and Ben even watched for a while . Nick is the most active child , yet when the TV is on ( which is almost never ) , he is glued to it . It is really an amazing thing to watch . I was bummed when the show ended and the next one coming on was about shark attacks . I couldn 't find anything else decent , that I could tolerate , so I turned it off after that , much to Nick 's dismay , as he started up with his attention - seeking behavior once again . My husband picked up some Chinese food on his way home from work , which was wonderful . The strangest thing though was , about 15 minutes after my husband got home , Ben starts perking up , gets down and starts walking around , irritating the cat , smiling and acting like his old self again . He ate rice for dinner ( he had eaten nothing but yogurt all day ) and after dinner , he got down and started playing again . His temperature is almost gone . I am amazed . And , as soon as Ben started acting normal again , Nick started acting normal again too , going off to play with toys and with Ben . * * Updated : Spoke too soon . Ben 's fever started rising again just before bedtime . He went right back into limp , hold me mode , poor little guy . We gave him some motrin 45 minutes before putting him to bed . He went down without a whimper , he was so tired , so hopefully he will get some good sleep , at least for a couple of hours : ) . We 'll see what the night and tomorrow brings . Nick woke up this morning with a temp of around 100 degrees and he slept the entire night without even a whimper , so that 's great . Last night he was still running around 104 degrees , as his motrin wore off so 100 is a big improvement . He is still barely eating anything but he is good about drinking . He definitely needs more sleep right now though . Hopefully he will be eating again soon . I hate to see him losing weight because he is a pretty skinny kid to begin with . We have one picture of each of our sons , taken from when they were just born . When we were in Russia on the first trip , we were shown these photos and told they would give them to us on our second trip . What we actually received was a black and white photocopy of the photo and the quality is very poor . This was very disappointing . I want to include them in their lifebooks so I had been trying to make some decent copies of them with our copier but the quality of the original copies we received are so poor that they won 't copy well . My husband took them to Kinko 's and made color copies , which came out much better than the black and white copies I was trying to make here at home . He also made the copies on the acid free paper , so hopefully we now have copies that will last a lifetime for the boys as keepsakes . Last night was a first for us . Last night was the very first night that one of our sons had a rough night and needed mommy . Yesterday afternoon , Nick came down with a pretty high fever of 104 . 6 . We were giving him motrin and tylenol to help but it took a long time to work and he still had a hard night . Don 't you just hate to see your children suffering ? It just makes me want to cry right along with them . We didn 't get much sleep between 1 : 00 am and 4 : 00 am but he did sleep from 4 : 00 am to around 8 : 30 am , which was nice . I sat in their room , rocking him while Ben slept , and wondering how often he had been sick and had to suffer through the night alone , with nobody to hold and comfort him . This morning , his fever was better , although he is not eating much . He really likes to drink ice water though , which is wonderful . Another first was that he spent a small amount of time in our bed during the night ( the first time we have ever had a child in our bed ) . I think he was cold because his fever was slowly coming down . He tried to sleep but kept waking up so I took him back to his bed after about 30 minutes or so , when he had quit shivering . But I think he liked being snuggled up with us . He kept saying " night night ? " and " daddy " and he kept pointing at the ceiling fan . Once , he even reached his little hand up and tried to grab it . It was so cute . He seemed relieved when he finally got back into his crib though and he went to sleep right away . Ben was running a low grade fever yesterday evening . I was running a fever of 100 degrees this morning ( and I suspect I was last night too ) and my husband had an upset stomach , so I think we all have a bit of whatever virus this is . My guess is that , once again , it came from church . There was a little boy in their class whose nose was running consistently . I picked him up once because he had climbed up to a place from where he could have fallen . I noticed the glands in my neck were very sore on Wednesday and Thursday , so I am guessing I am the one who brought it home from church this time . The boys now get to get their own yogurt from the fridge . They love helping themselves ( I still have to open the door but they are working on that ) , picking the flavor they want and carrying it over to their highchairs . They love doing this and get very excited about yogurt time . Since they can each eat a whole one now , they eat right out of the container and feed it to themselves . This is somewhat new because their mommy is such a mess - control freak ; ) . In these pictures , they actually have towels on their laps to catch the drips . I am not doing that anymore but it 's hard for me because I prefer that their clothes stay somewhat clean during the day . These bibs are great though , because they have a huge pocket along the bottom to catch all of the food . We keep one set of these bibs in the diaper bag for eating out . They have saved many a mess , so mommy loves them . The boys love them too because they can pick up the food that falls into the bib and still eat it . Daddy likes to be silly with the boys too and they love that . They were trying to get me to do this yesterday . I did it for a little while but not as long as my husband did . Maybe it is a guy thing because my husband thought it was very funny . I had a pillow fight with Nick and Ben yesterday afternoon . It was a lot of fun but , unfortunately , little Ben decided to stand on the couch when we were not too far into it so he had to get down . I 'm sure we 'll do it again soon and hopefully he will remember not to stand next time . A cute thing from yesterday . The boys both repeat pretty much everything I say , watching my mouth to try to learn how to say the words . Their words are becoming much more clear and they are pointing to anything and everything , saying " that ? " . Yesterday afternoon , when we were outside , playing in their little pool , Ben pointed to the umbrella , wanting to know the word for it . When I said umbrella , he repeated it after me . He actually did a pretty good job but I was cracking up because , while saying it , he had the tip of his little tongue just inside his lips , where I could see it clearly , and it was moving from one side of his mouth to the other , along his lips , when he would try to say this word . It was a crack up . He did it again , several times and with a smile on his face , for daddy at dinner last night . It is so fun to watch them learn and grow . They can now reach so much higher that I am constantly amazed at what they can do now . Ben was standing flat - footed and had his hand on our bedroom door knob yesterday . They are trying so hard to turn the door knobs , it won 't be long before they figure it out . We can 't leave anything along the edges of the countertops in the kitchen and they can reach pretty far onto the kitchen table now . I also have to be very careful now when I take anything out of the top oven and really have to watch them extra close when using the bottom oven . I normally make them go into the living room when I am opening the ovens these days . They love for me to hold them up to see the food cooking on the stove . I was thinking of buying one of those " learning towers for toddlers " , although they are about $ 160 . My husband keeps asking if I really think they would get that much use out of it ( probably while he keeps in mind my very nice and very expensive EFX machine upstairs , that has not been used by me in over a year , but I don 't want to sale because I keep thinking I might want to use it again sometime : ) . I think they would really get a lot of use out of it and we could have a lot of fun in the kitchen with it . Have any of you bought one of these ? What do you think , would the boys get a lot of use out of one of these ? ( you can google the words in quotes to see a picture , if you want ) . As I mentioned in an earlier post , they will have been home for 6 months tomorrow . Ben will be 21 months old in about a week , which makes Nick about 19 . 5 months old now . It is really hard for me to believe how much they have changed in 6 months . They are so much fun to watch and be with . I love being their mom and I love being a stay at home mom . On a more serious note , I mentioned in an earlier post that my mom had surgery about a week and a half ago . We recently found out that she has breast cancer . Initially they said that it was the best kind of cancer you can have because it does not spread outside of the milk duct and is not life threatening . They also thought they were catching it in it 's earliest stage , although they still recommended that she have radiation therapy after the surgery . Unfortunately , the mass they removed during the surgery turned out to be larger than they thought and had spread outside of the milk duct , but they are still calling it ductile cancer , so I don 't understand that . So now they are saying it is in a more advanced stage and they want her to see an oncologist to see if she should also have chemo . The good news is that the path report shows that the margins are clean and her lymph nodes were fine , which means they got all of the cancer and it had not spread to the lymph system yet . Mom will start radiation therapy in a couple of weeks but she was not able to get an appt with the oncologist until mid - July . She is doing great in her recovery from surgery though . If you could please keep mom in your prayers , I would greatly appreciate it . We spent a lot of time outside today . After they woke from nap and ate , the boys and I went outside and they played in their little swimming pool for a while . Then they got out and just played in the yard for a while . So they got to spend a good deal of time outside today , which was great . I think it 's good for kids to spend a lot of time playing outside . Today was a very long day , since the boys woke up an hour to an hour and half earlier than usual and they just took one nap . So , right now , my husband is playing with the boys and I am taking a little break but I 'm getting ready to join them because it is time to take the boys upstairs and get them ready for bed . They should sleep really well tonight . . . . and so should I : ) . One of the things I really love about being a stay at home mom is that tomorrow is always a brand new day and I get to start with a clean slate . I love that . Really , every time the kids wake up from nap , we are starting a clean slate , which is great . I really love the time right after they first wake up . Sometimes we sit and rock and sometimes they just want to start playing right away but they are always in such a great mood and it is just a really special time . Saturday the boys will have been home for 6 months . They are growing so fast , I still just can 't believe how much they have changed in the past 6 months . I love seeing their little personalities emerge . It is awesome ! Since they woke up early today , we went to the park to play . As it turns out , the water sprinkler park was working and there were two other little children playing in it so my sons wanted to check it out too . I was unprepared because I had thought they were too young for it . When I had seen it before , there were too many big kids running and squirting others with these squirt gun things that put out quite a bit of water . But today it was just little kids so I took off the shirts the boys were wearing and let them run around in their shorts and sandals . They had a ball and it was really fun to watch . They laughed so much and really enjoyed running around . We definitely have to start doing this more often and next time I will be more prepared . We didn 't stay too long because the boys were not wearing sunscreen . Fortunately I had put two towels in the car a couple of months ago , because you never know when you might need one with two little ones . This is the second time they have come in handy , the first being a very rainy day when I had to take the boys to have their hearing checked AGAIN . ( I forgot to post about that but we have to go back YET AGAIN for Ben to have his checked again , while Nick stays with daddy , so Ben won 't be distracted . It probably won 't be until August , since they are booked but that gives us time to soften and clean the wax from Ben 's ears , which he desperately needs and is probably affecting his hearing tests . ) Anyway , I dried them off , took off their shorts and sandals and loaded them up to come home and they are now napping . It was a fun morning and I will be looking forward to going back to the water park soon . It is only about a mile and a half from our house . Posted by We celebrated our first ever Father 's Day ( as parents ) on Sunday and I think it was a special day for everyone , but most especially my husband . We went to church , where we took turns staying with the boys during the Bible study and church hours . We had not been doing this for quite a while , but the boys were recently promoted to a new class so we are staying with them again for 4 Sundays in a row . Hopefully that will be enough to help them feel comfortable before we start leaving them again . When we got home , the boys went down for naps and my husband mowed the lawn while I did the weed whacking . He finished first and went out for a bike ride . He loves to ride long distance , for exercise ( so he goes very fast ) , and he tries to get outside and ride at least once a week ( in between , he swims at the gym or rides the indoor bike here ) . After that , the boys woke up from nap , we ate and then sat around and played with the boys and I took pictures . It was a restful day , for the most part . I printed out two of my favorite pictures of the boys ( one of each child ) and framed them for a Father 's Day gift . My husband loved it and has already hung it in his office at work . The boys , on the other hand , have been reading my copies of the Reader 's Digest : ) . They love sitting next to each other , whether it is in a chair or on the couch . It 's really cute to watch them together . Isn 't he a cutie pie ? These are , by far , the best pics I have gotten of Ben to date . I have had a much harder time trying to get pics of him that really reflect his personality , but these are perfect . He 's a cutie pie too . . . . . a very busy one : ) . I was trying very hard to get a good shot of him but he kept moving around and would not sit still long enough and he was not into smiling at all . I have to catch him in the right mood . . . . I guess we are all like that , so some degree : ) . I believe that most of the people asking the questions think the boys are cute and are not trying to be nosy or rude . It seems that people are always curious about twins , triplets , etc . so we are fair game for questions . Since our sons are only 6 weeks apart in age , they look as if they could be twins . I would say that 98 % of the time , when I take the boys somewhere , someone will ask " Are they twins ? " . They normally say this with that nice , they - are - so - cute look on their face . Most of the time they are women , once in a while a man will ask . Most of the time , we are waiting in a line and cannot easily make a quick statement and escape . Most of the time , the person is just making conversation while we wait and they say something sweet , like " They are so cute . Are they twins ? " . Before we brought the boys home , I knew this would be a difficult thing . I guess I thought I would just figure out how to handle it as it came up . It is actually much more difficult than I imagined and my husband is seeing that too , since we have all been out together a few times when this has happened . To date , my response has been usually to say " no , they are not twins , just close in age " or " no , they are brothers , close in age " or something like that . Inevitably , the next question is always " how far apart are they " . Sometimes this is because the person also has two children who are close in age and they are just trying to make a connection for polite conversation or , more often than not , they are just curious and making conversation while we are waiting in line , but not trying to be rude . Knowing what I now know , I would be very careful how I would pose such questions , if I were to ask them at all . However , I could see myself asking such questions before I learned what I now know . When I am asked how close in age they are , I say they are 6 weeks apart . When this happens , I ALWAYS get that look that says that doesn 't make sense , how can that be . Keep in mind that I am normally standing in a line or sitting in a cafe or something and cannot just walk away . Normally another question follows in their effort to clear up the confusion and I end up feeling backed into a corner and feeling that my only option , aside from being rude , is to explain that they are adopted . As of yet , not one person has deduced this on their own . I would really like to come up with a response that would be respectful but that would still reserve our right to privacy . I especially want to have a response that would be acceptable to little ears , for when our sons are old enough to understand what is being said . That is what concerns me more than anything else . I don 't want our sons to think we are ashamed that they were adopted but I also don 't want them to think we MUST tell everyone we run into at the grocery store and Target that they were adopted , just because someone asked if they are twins . Things have been very busy around here lately . Yesterday was the first day I have been away from the boys for more than about two hours . My mother had to have surgery so my husband took a day off of work so he could hang out with the boys and I could be with my mom . Her surgery went very well but it was a long day for everyone and the chairs they have at this hospital are not very comfortable ( they did have good food though ) . Hopefully she will recover quickly . My husband did a wonderful job of taking care of the boys and I think they all enjoyed the day together . He even took them both out to run errands , including a grocery run and the house looked pretty good when I returned . He did say that he was more tired than he normally is at the end of a work day though . I was exhausted too because I had to get up at 4 : 45 am yesterday morning . We both went to bed early last night . My sister 's son came back with me so he is staying a couple of days with us . He is 13 years old and the boys really enjoy having him here . We are planning a trip to the aquarium today , if the weather is not too bad . We are still having tons of rain here every day and I don 't care to take the boys out if it means we are standing in pouring rain , while we are loading and unloading from car seats and stroller . My mom sent a couple of cute little step stools for the boys and they are having a fun time learning how to step up on them in order to get into the big chairs . These little step stools are very old and home made by a relative from large cans . They really need to be recovered . You can see one of them in this picture . The boys used this one little stool to climb up into this big rocker , each carrying a book , and then they sat next to each other in the chair and started looking at their books . It was really cute . They are enjoying their new - found independence of being about to get into a chair on their own . Here is the scene that is frequently at my feet when I am standing at the kitchen sink . The boys will bring their books and toys into the kitchen and play on the rug at my feet . ( Those are my toes sticking into the bottom middle of the picture : ) . And here is a shot of Ben climbing up on the large ottoman in our living room . Both boys can do this now , without assistance , and Nick can also climb up onto the couch without assistance . They are growing and learning by leaps and bounds . Here is a picture of my sister , holding Ben . She is wonderful with children and our two little sons absolutely love spending time with her . She is an RN , so she spent the night last night with our mom . My sister is a very caring , giving , serving kind of person and she makes the best pies ( with homemade crust ) I have ever tasted , especially apple which is my favorite . She and I are very close and our close relationship is one of the reasons I really wanted to adopt two children of the same gender . Hopefully our sons will also have a very close relationship . They are certainly enjoying each other so far and watching them grow closer is priceless . Here is a pool shot . We have not had a lot of time in the pool yet because of all of the rain . When it gets really hot and sunny , they are really going to love it . I put shirts on them because I knew we would not be out long and I didn 't want to bother with sunscreen . The pool is actually in the shade but I was afraid they might get a little too much sun from the reflection off of the concrete . I 'm not a real fan of those swimmy diapers but I guess that 's the best we can do for now . I had a very bad experience with them recently . Since they are basically like pull up 's , they tend to come off inside out . Let 's just say you should ALWAYS check to make sure there is no poop in them BEFORE you take them off . The boys love to put my husband 's house shoes on their hands / arms . This is Ben and he is wearing size 3T PJ 's , believe it or not . No , they don 't fit him : ) but I had not had a chance to buy new summer PJ 's yet and the ones we have were dirty . I think having a day off was good for me . I missed the boys but I feel much more relaxed with them today . I have also been praying about not being so picky about everything and choosing my battles wisely . God is so good and patient with me : ) . So this evening , I went into the kitchen to take my allergy medicine . The glass of water I had been drinking earlier was sitting on the island so I picked it up , took a big swig of water and swallowed my allergy medicine . Then , I walked to the fridge and started putting ice in my glass of water because I always keep a glass of ice water next to my bed at night . My husband , sitting in his office in the next room , heard me getting the ice to put into my glass of water . From his office , he said urgently , " Dancer ( the cat ) drank out of your glass of water a while ago " . Sadly enough , it 's probably much more often than we would want to know , since we have two cats . Although , it also probably only happens to me , since my husband normally only drinks coffee or Diet Rite ( from a can ) in the house and the kids drink milk from sippy cups . I 'm the one who consistently keeps a glass of water sitting around all the time . In other news , we had a fun time at the zoo today and the boys were really great , which was a miracle since they were missing their nap . They took a good nap afterwards though , starting in the car on the way home . I think the highlight for this trip to the zoo was the company . We went with a group of women and young children and I enjoyed visiting with everyone . There is a wonderful park at the zoo , where the kids had a lot of fun playing and we had a great close up view of two Asian elephants . The elephant handlers were giving them treats , explaining how and why they train them and walking them through their paces on some of the commands they knew . It was very good , except that little 19 and 20 month olds have short attention spans . So we went to the back and had a snack until it was time to move on . The weather was absolutely beautiful here today . It was breezy , cool ( mostly in the 70 's ) and clear blue skies . . . the perfect day for the zoo . Thanks so much for the comments on the last post . I really appreciated them and so needed to hear this today . I got a bit teary eyed while reading them . It 's funny how God reaches out to you when you reach out to Him . Not long after I wrote that post today , an insulation guy stopped by because we are having issues with too much heat in our upstairs rooms . He saw some verses that we have framed in our entry hall so he knew that we are a Christian family , so he started talking about our faith . First we started talking about the kids and I told him some of our adoption story . He and his wife were teachers for many years and they love kids . But then we started talking about the importance of similar beliefs between a husband and wife and the importance of the husband being the leader of his family , etc . For some reason , I felt led to tell him , in summary , about what I wrote on the blog earlier today . He basically said something similar to the comments . He also said that God understands and that it was me that was putting a legalistic requirement on my life and feeling guilty about it , but Jesus came to free us , and some other things like that . I felt like God was talking through this very nice , Christian man and that God had sent him here today just for me , because He knew I needed so much to hear this . I almost started crying when I was listening to him because I felt like God was wrapping me in His arms and telling me not to worry . Going forward , I will be focusing on little prays throughout my days , making some good Christian friends and reading the Bible when I can but not feeling guilty about it when I can 't . Thanks again for the comments . I really needed to hear this today . My husband and I have been married now for almost 2 . 5 years . Before that , I was single for many years ( I 'm now 44 years old ) . For some reason , it seems to me I was better at working on my relationship with God when I was single than while I have been married . I don 't know why this is but I am really struggling with this and I have struggled with it now for over 2 years . I have been in two different Bible studies , since we moved to Oklahoma a little over a year ago . I really like our church here but we have not really made any close friends yet . Last Sunday , our pastor preached about the need for community and close friends to keep you accountable and my husband and I discussed how we really need to make an effort to make 2 or 3 close Christian friends here in our city ( none of our closest friends live nearby ) . I have tried to get into a routine of praying and studying the Bible . I came to the revelation a number of weeks ago that , when I am praying more , I tend to want to read the Bible more . Yet , it seems that inevitably , I end up only praying and Bible reading for 3 or 4 days in a row , or maybe a week , before something changes my routine and I end up forgetting about it again . When I realize that has happened again , I feel guilty and I have a really hard time starting up again . I am very much a person of routine . I like to have routine in my life . I am OK with changing things up a bit a couple of days a week and I enjoy taking the kids out and trying different things , but I normally feel somewhat relieved and a bit more relaxed when we have at least ton the days of the week where we can follow a normal routine . Being out of routine seems to drain me more . I really don 't care for this quality of mine and would rather be someone who could just go with the flow and enjoy the spontaneity of life . Keeping a routine these days has presented a bit of a challenge . The boys are at a point where they tend to have different sleep requirements , Nick needing more and Ben needing a bit less . Some days , they seem to still need two naps and on other days , they sleep so long during their first nap that there is no way we could fit in a second nap . . . but then they usually have to go to bed early that night because they are so cranky . I think they must also be trying to cut some teeth because they are really really whiny and cranky these days and seem to need a bit more sleep than they did just a couple of weeks ago . So , these days , it seems that each day is a bit different and I just don 't know what the day will bring until it 's brought : ) , if you know what I mean . It seems that when the routine in my life changes , I get busy or distracted and forget all about my prayer life and Bible reading . I know I need this in order to have a close relationship with God . I know I need it in order to raise our sons the way God wants them to be raised . I want it and yet I am not doing it . I want my children to see God in my life . I want to be a good Christian role model for them . And yet I am not doing it . I know I am a better person when I have a closer relationship with God . I know I feel better about myself and the fruit of the spirit shine through much much more when I have a closer walk with God . . . . and yet I am not doing it . It makes me so mad at myself and I feel so guilty . Why do I do this ? Is this simply a lack of self discipline ? I am so frustrated by this and I really want to find a way to conquer it once and for all . I don 't want to be the kind of person that just turns to God and gets closer to God when something bad is happening in my life . I want to have a consistent close relationship with the One who created me . I 'm not the type of mom who worries about her kids all the time . I don 't jump up every time it looks like they might fall , unless it is a dangerous situation . I don 't sit around , worrying about whether they might get kidnapped or things like that . I really just have not worried about them much at all . I know that God gave these little guys to us for a short time and He is in control . I tend to be a detail oriented person and I am normally a very good multi - tasker , so that probably helps too . Yesterday , the boys and I were outside playing in the yard . I had set up their little pool and they were throwing things in and getting them out again and just having a good time ( the water was too cold to swim ) . After a while , they became bored and started looking for something else to do . They started walking around the yard ( they have gotten so much better at this by the way . Nick can even run up the small incline in our yard now ) and noticed the swing set in the backyard . It had been a few weeks since we had gone back there to play . We 've had a lot of rain over the past several weeks so we have had very little outside time lately . Anyway , they wanted to go to the backyard to play on the swing set , which was cute , since this is the first time they had really asked to do this . So we went back there and I wiped the swings down with a towel I was carrying . I was trying to get the cobwebs off of them so I was swinging the towel around and swatting the swings with it . Then I put the boys in their swings and pushed them for a while . They enjoyed the swinging for a while and then they wanted out to try the slide . So I wiped down the slide and helped each of them slide a few times . I would picked one of them up and put them on the slide , about half way down , and then hold their hands while they slid down . They are not quite at the point where they can go up the steps and slide down on their own . But they really enjoyed their mini - sliding and I think they are starting to get the hang of keeping their balance while sliding . After sliding , they wanted to swing again . So I loaded them back up in their swings and we did that again for a while . After a few more minutes , Ben wanted out but Nick didn 't , so I was holding Ben and we were both pushing Nick and they both thought that was fun . ( Side note : Nick had such a beautiful , open mouthed smile on his face during this time of swinging ; it was a look of pure joy and I wished I could have had a picture of him like that . ) Then I saw it . . . . a yellow jacket wasp landed on the slide . At first , I didn 't think much about it . I just thought ( and said out loud ) that we need to have daddy look for wasp nests . After seeing it fly around for a bit , I remembered something important . When we went to pick this swing set up from the person who gave it to us , there was a huge wasp nest under the platform above the slide . We didn 't realize it was there and started breaking down the swing set . The wasps swarmed out and we all took off running but the lady who gave us the swing set was stung several times . So , as I was still holding Ben and pushing Nick in the swing , I bent over so I could see under the platform above the slide . We were standing right next to it and Nick was in the swing closest to the slide platform . There , right in front of me , was a huge wasp nest with lots of yellow jacket wasps covering it . I immediately put Be down , away from the slide , got Nick out of the swing as quickly as possible and took the boys back to the side yard . We were so fortunate that these wasps never came out and swarmed us . . . . actually , I was fortunate twice in one day , as I mowed the yard during nap time , so I was mowing on all sides of the slide platform . It is amazing really , that these wasps never swarmed in either situation . The boys must have realized from my demeanor that something was wrong because they didn 't protest our abrupt departure very much . Afterwards , I kept thinking of all of the what - if 's and it really tore me up . It was so scary to think of those wasps swarming when the kids were there , especially in their swings , since they are belted into bucket seats and it takes a while to get them out . Even now it makes me cringe to think of what might have happened . Needless to say , we won 't be going into the backyard again until my husband has a chance to get rid of the nest . We are also talking about how we might change the design of the platform a bit so the wasps would not have such an ideal location to build a nest . Hopefully we can figure something out soon , as it seems the boys are now getting to the age where they are really going to start enjoying playing on the swing set . Today 's event was just as scary , although this time it was my own carelessness that almost caused a very painful situation . We bought some navy blue curtains for the boys ' bedroom , with hopes that they will keep the sun out a little more thoroughly than the blinds and also maybe some of the heat . The boys frequently wake up much earlier on very sunny mornings than they do on cloudy mornings and , from today 's nap , I suspect that the curtains are also going to help them fall asleep more quickly at nap time . They have made a pretty big difference in how light the room is . Anyway , the boys were having fun playing in their bedroom . I had hung a curtain rod above their window and then put up the ironing board to iron the curtains . The ironing board was sitting just in front of a shorter ( shorter than the ironing board ) night stand . Since the curtains took up the entire length of the ironing board , I was setting the iron on the night stand intermittently , for very short periods of time , as I adjusted the curtain I was ironing . ( I know you can guess what happened next . ) Before I knew it , Nick was right there next to the night stand and reaching out to touch the very hot iron . I very quickly pulled the iron away from him and said " no " with a very scared look on my face . He was looking at my face and saw that scared , horrified look and he jerked his hand back and started crying . I thought he had touched the iron with his thumb , so I quickly picked him up , took him to the bathroom ( only a few steps away ) and prepared to put his hand under cold water . Before I could do that , he had stopped crying and started wanting to play with things on the bathroom counter , so I knew he was fine . He had not burned his thumb after all . He had cried because he was scared from the frightened look I had on my face . I was so relieved . As I finished my ironing , I was much more careful to ensure the iron was no where near their reach and I also said several prayers of thanks to God for watching out for them and keeping them safe . I am so thankful . I would have felt terrible if they had been hurt in either of those situations but even more so if Nick had been burned by that iron from my carelessness . So , those were my two frightening close calls , in addition to some of the things we did this weekend . We had a nice weekend but I could have done without these two events . I still won 't be a hovering , over - protective , worrying kind of mom but I will try to be a bit more careful about thinking ahead in risky situations . I think I normally do this and am very very careful in risky situations , such as kids in the bath or around the little swimming pool , etc . , but I certainly did not think through the ironing situation carefully enough and I will definitely be more cautious going forward . Fortunately , I hardly ever have to iron anything , although there are a few clothes in my closet that have not been worn for a long while because they need to be ironed . Next time , I will do my ironing when the boys are napping . The water in the little pool was being heated by the sun this morning so the boys will get to play in it for the first time this afternoon . They are going to have so much fun in this little pool . They both love the water and love to splash and don 't seem to mind when they splash the water in their face . I still need to find our old pool toys that are stored away somewhere in the garage . I had a pretty good collection from buying a few each year when I lived in Houston and my sister , mom and some of my nieces and nephew would come to visit for a week each summer . They would come for a week and we would swim in the townhouse pool every day and do fun stuff around Houston all week . It was a great tradition for about 10 or 12 years , until we moved to Oklahoma and now we live within 1 . 5 hours from them and we no longer have pool access . Still yet , after we had moved here last year , sometime around spring time , my little nephew and one of my nieces were both questioning when they were going to come and stay a week with us . It was really cute . My sister told them they would not being doing that anymore , now that we live nearby . Instead , they come and spend a night or two or three ( or more ) here and there throughout the year and we get to see them much more often than we used to . It 's nice to be near family and I look forward to letting our sons have sleepover stays with my sister . I have such great memories of doing this type of thing when I was little and I know my nieces and nephew have great memories of going to Houston every summer . Those are some of the things that just put a nice , warm and fuzzy feeling in your heart and I look forward to that for our sons . One day , when I had been in an irritable mood , I was kissing the boys on their foreheads , while they were in their high chairs , and telling them " mommy loves you " . They both started saying " wuv yu " back to me . It was so so sweet . This week , they have both also started initiating kisses , which just melted my heart . They are both such sweet little boys . . . . when they aren 't terrorizing the cats and each other : ) . Yesterday morning I took the boys for their third round of shots . I really hate doing this . I 'm glad that they do them very very quickly but I still sooo hate doing this and it makes me feel like crying with them . Both boys have to get one shot in early August and then Nick has to get two shots at the end of September and then they will be caught up and won 't need anymore until they are four . That will be a relief . After taking a short break yesterday evening , while my husband was hanging out with the boys , I came into the room and picked up Ben and I pretty much knew right away that he had a temp . My husband took their temps and both boys were running just over 100 . No wonder they had been a bit cranky . Then I felt really bad that I had not been a bit more patient and loving with them during the day . Do you ever have one of those days when you are really wanting to get a couple of things done and your kids are really wanting your attention and then , later , you realize you should have just put everything aside for the day and given your kids the attention they needed ? That 's what yesterday was like here . I had the worse case of mommy guilt last night . I should not have made that cake and I should not have worked on the Lifebooks yesterday . Neither of those things were must - do 's . Next time , I need to remember what the important priorities are . I also set up their little pool yesterday , while they were sleeping . I don 't like it . It has flimsy sides that you could not even lean on without them falling over and water rushing out . Turns out that it has a leak anyway so we will be taking it back . This is the second pool I have set up and filled with water . At this rate , it may be the end of the summer before our little guys get to play in their little pool . During my mommy guilt time yesterday evening , I also realized that I am doing more house work and other things while they are awake these days . I knew that would happen , to some degree , but I think I probably need to go back to giving them a little more direct attention than I have lately . I have still been doing that some but not as much as I want to or intend to . It 's funny how that can start slipping away when you are not even aware of it . You just start thinking of the list of things that need to be done and which things you should do when they are asleep and which you can do when they are awake and , before you know it , you are giving them less attention . So , today will be different around here . Unfortunately my husband and I got very little sleep last night . It has been very stormy here and we have one of those emergency storm radios that goes off automatically with the storm alerts and it kept going off last night . So , my motto for the day will be to do as little as possible around the house and to just hang out with the boys . Sounds like a fun day , huh ? Except for the lack of sleep thing , I think it will be . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
I received a call from Randy Smith of the sheriff 's department , " Hey Jack , I 've got a crash for you just beyond three mile curve . Some stupid ass woman hit the guard rails when the tire blew . All four tires are bald so no wonder . Anyway I cited her and told her you would be picking up the car . She is sitting in it . There are other things I 'm sure I could find wrong with the vehicle , but I feel a little sorry for her . I have another call so she gets off this time . " " I didn 't ask . " Randy laughed . He was a friend , but thought it a joke if I got stuck with someone not paying the towing charge . This was possibly one of these times . He poured it on . " You and those two other guys with wreckers take turns . That 's in your contract . Your turn to pick up this one . " I was a widower , losing my wife two years ago . I owned a junk yard and wrecking service and hired three full time workers in the business . I was tall , good looking and kept myself well . Jamie , my wife , and I had purchased the business from my father the year I turned twenty - five . At that time we lived in a little cottage behind the junk yard . When my folks moved out west , I bought their house and Jamie and I moved into it . I had always worked at the yard . It paid well and there were always interesting vehicles coming in from the wide area that we serviced . Sometimes a car would come in that was totaled for insurance purposes , but was fixable . I partnered with an auto body shop to fix these up . Some of the older muscle cars , if they weren 't in too bad shape , I put them up on blocks and threw a canvas over them . They were lined up along the fences that surrounded the property . The property consisted of a little over twenty - five acres . This was a sizable operation . With the wrecking service you could be called out all hours of the night to go pick up a vehicle that was in an accident or broken down . Thankfully this one was daytime and didn 't have anyone injured . I had seen some horrible sights over the years from deaths and destruction of these accidents . Many accidents were so preventable , if people had just used their brains and paid attention . I didn 't hurry . I had seven miles to go up and three back before I could get into the lane the vehicle was in . Then it was four miles back to my yard . I pulled around the car and tilted the flatbed . I went about hooking up the winch to pull it up onto the carrier . The woman sat in the driver 's seat and didn 't get out . She looked resigned to what happened as if she couldn 't expect otherwise so I went about the chore just glancing the woman 's way . I had to move the car quickly as Randy had left cones in front and back as a warning there was an obstacle on the side of the road . When I was hooked up , but before I winched it , I told her she had to get out of her car . " No passenger can ride in the car while on the bed . Get in the cab . This won 't take long . " She still didn 't say anything . I just knew she didn 't have any money . I was right . When I was all set to go , I climbed into the cab . She sat way over next to the door . Her first words were , " I don 't have any money to pay you . That damned sheriff cited me and I 'm supposed to appear to pay by Friday morning . I guess I 'm headed to jail . " " You might have been up until now , but I lock up the yard at night . You can 't stay there . Too late to hitch - hike from here today , too . Where were you headed anyway ? " " I have an Aunt Mary , who lives about thirty miles south of here . I was hoping I had enough gas to get there . If I ran out , I would have coasted to the side of the road and left the damned piece of junk . Oh well , I almost made it . " I named a small city of twenty thousand about that far away . She nodded that was where she was from . I had watched her when she walked around her car and got into the wrecker . She looked to be about my age of thirty - five . Her clothes weren 't that bad as they fit pretty well and weren 't too worn out . I would guess she was five feet , five inches tall . She had brown hair , a decent shape , nothing spectacular , but attractive . Maybe she was just a person down on her luck . " All men are curious when they meet a woman down on her luck . You 've been asking one question after another since you came . I doubt you will stop . " " I knew it , another question , but that I can answer . Yes , I am against some men . My former husband especially . He didn 't leave me with anything . No money , I 'm barred from seeing my two boys , and he called me a prostitute . I 'm not and I believe I was set up , but I couldn 't prove that I am innocent . He would never listen to me . " She paused , and then continued , " But then you are a man and you have no reason to believe me . " We pulled into my wrecking yard . I got my clip board and filled out the bill for picking up Nora 's car . I handed it to her , $ 115 . 00 . She looked at it and started taking off her blouse . " What are you doing ? " She looked at me . I could tell she was hoping I would refuse her offer . " You are quite attractive , and I 'd probably enjoy getting paid that way , but I 'd rather have you pay me in some other form . " " Let 's make a business deal out of this . I need my house cleaned . It will take you a week or longer . I 'll pay you $ 60 a day and room and board and I 'll allow you $ 40 for your junk car . If we go forward with this deal , I 'll take you to a nice restaurant for dinner tonight . " " I suppose there is , but it is more hope than anything . I wouldn 't demand that you do . " I was hoping , but this made me uncomfortable . " We can leave here now . I need a shower and we 'll get changed to go out . " " Jack , I 'm going to take the deal . It is the best I can do in the present situation . You just might restore my faith in men . Not all of them , but some . I 'm at the point where I have to trust someone . I do pay my bills when I am able and this will be the way I can . " She reached over and shook my hand . " No , for some reason I trust you and we shook on it . That 's good enough for me . " Nora had made a snap judgment about me . I would prove she wasn 't mistaken . My home was pretty unkempt . The lawn needed mowing and the flowers my wife took such pride in were grown up with weeds and the flowers had all but disappeared . One shutter had come loose on the house and I was going to fix that . That was six months ago , but I would get to it yet . When we went inside Nora walked around looking at everything . I did work at keeping the kitchen and one bathroom up because that is where I spent most of the time at home . I used one bedroom , but I used a sleeping bag on top of the spread to sleep in . I informed Nora I was going to take my shower , " You may want to use this one after I get out . I don 't know what shape the other one is in . " I came out of the shower and stumbled over a pile of linen in the hallway . This included the sleeping bag . My bed must be made up and I was going to be sleeping between sheets tonight . Nora came down the hall with a towel around her . " I found sheets . I made your bed . You didn 't expect to sleep in that fart sack when there are clean sheets around and a woman to put them on your bed did you ? " Hey , I think I am going to like this business deal I made . I had more out of it already than I expected . I wasn 't going to press for more , not yet anyway . Who knows I might even get the house cleaned before Nora wanted to move on ? It had been two years since my wife of thirteen years had passed away . I had come to grips with the fact that I had one love and that would be my allotment in this lifetime . I didn 't take life too seriously after I had arrived at that decision . I wondered if the woman I had picked up today hadn 't come to a like decision and looked on life the same way I was . I hadn 't seen any tears yet , but they might come . Nora had on a different blouse and slacks when I next saw her . She looked really neat . This was going to be strange for me , but I was looking forward to be with this woman . I asked , " What and where for dinner ? There is a beef house , and a fish house . You can get chicken in both . " " Fish I think . I used to serve it at home when my husband wasn 't home . He didn 't like it at all . I used to fish with my grandfather many years ago before he died . I miss him and I miss the fresh caught fish . A lot of people don 't like to smell it cooking , but I do . I make a fish chowder to die for . " In the back of my mind fresh caught fish was going to be on my plate some day . " I 'll tell you all about it sometime . What happened has been a horrible experience and it kept getting worse as time went on . Let 's just say I think that I was set up and my husband wanted to get rid of me so he could marry another woman . I think he set out to ruin me , my reputation , and take all the esteem a normal person needs to hold her head up . At least he didn 't have the balls to kill me . The other woman possibly would have if she could have . When we got home , we watched a show on the History Channel and then I got ready for bed . " Go to bed , Jack . I 'll make up the room across the hall . " It had been two years since I had a woman in my bed . It was pure laziness on my part . I wasn 't that bad looking and I cleaned up good even if I did run a junk yard . My wife had insisted I change my work clothes every day and I continued even though she wasn 't here to see that I did . I liked my hair short and I had it trimmed every two weeks into a flat top . I did own my own business and I got hit on often enough , but no woman so far could compare to the wife I still missed . Not one in my bed tonight either , but I had a feeling . Nora for some unknown reason , appealed to me . Maybe because she had it rough and needed a shoulder to cry on . She hadn 't yet , cried I mean , but I felt she was right on the edge . She was asleep when I woke at 5 : 30 , my time to get up . I went down and made coffee . I came back upstairs and got dressed . I stepped into her room . Her eyes were now open looking at me . " Coffee is done or you can sleep in . I 'm crunching cars this morning and have extra help so I have to be at the yard by seven . There is a car in the garage with the keys in it . " I dug out my wallet . " Here is a couple hundred dollars . Would you get some groceries and anything you need if you do cleaning ? The store is two streets over and down a block on the left . I 'll have lunch at the yard , but if you are still here I would look forward to a home cooked meal . " " Surprise me . I 'll eat anything . " I turned and went downstairs . Five minutes later she came down . She had on one of my wife 's robes that had been hanging in the closet . She looked natural in it and I didn 't mind at all . I said , " Sit and I 'll take time for coffee with you . " Tears appeared suddenly . The first I had seen since I had met this woman . I just stuck out my arms and she came into them . She hid her face in my shoulder and sobbed a little . She reached up , wiped her eyes and backed away . " You must think I 'm a baby ? " " No , I understand . Kiss me and I 'm off . " I had no idea why I said this . But that is how I left Jamie every day when I headed for work . I was only going to peck her on the cheek , but I received a real kiss on the lips , albeit quick . I smiled down at her and turned to the door . She was standing in the open door when I swung into my pickup . I waved and she waved back . I could barely keep my mind on my work . I didn 't know this woman , but I certainly was attracted to her . She said she was labeled as a whore , but wasn 't . How could that be ? If she had lost custody of her two sons , she must have done something damned serious . She didn 't seem to be hiding it . I just hadn 't had time to learn what it was . I came home and showered immediately . Whatever was cooking for supper smelled delicious ? I changed into shorts , a polo shirt , and boat shoes , getting comfortable . As I entered the kitchen , she hit me with , " You didn 't tell me your car was a Mercedes . Some different from my car which I hope you crushed today . " All I said was , " Business has been good lately . The car was an insurance total . When it came in , I thought it was good enough to have repaired . I like it . " " I like it too . It makes me feel like a queen riding in her chariot . We 'll be eating in the dining room . I dusted and polished everything in there . " Yes she had , and this included the floor . Again she spoke , " I see you drink beer for a beverage . The glasses are frosting in the freezer . I like beer myself , if it is cold . " " I found your wife 's notes in her cookbook . Stuff yourself . " I did . The strawberries had come from a farm stand and picked this morning . Nora had sugared them lightly , just enough to get the juices to flow . She had whipped real cream to top the cake with . " Yes . I also promise to listen with an open mind about what you tell me . Even if I can 't find myself believing you , you have a home here as long as you wish . " " Fair enough and I hope you do believe me . I won 't lie . To start , I have to go back fifteen years to the year I got out of high school . I was attracted to this handsome guy and aware he had a big ego . The world was his oyster . That was fine with me . I was satisfied to travel in his shadow . I was in love and we did the breaking my cherry thing . He planned to be an attorney and I loved him so I agreed to help him become one . We married and I went to work at a hardware store near my home and he went off to college . " I missed the sex while he was away . I wasn 't too careful about my birth control . I would take it when I knew far enough in advance when he was coming home . Of course I screwed up and got caught getting pregnant when he came home one time earlier than expected . I begged him to pull out as I wasn 't safe , but he didn 't bother . Within a few months I was bigger than a whale and couldn 't work . I moved in with his parents . I of course was blamed for getting pregnant . His parents expected we would wait until he was out of college for children . " " I went back to work as soon as possible and I worked every day . George 's parents cared for the boys . George was always after me to send money , so I kept little for myself . The boys were six when George passed the bar . He immediately found a place as an attorney starting on the bottom in a large firm . We rented a house near his folks and he expected me to continue working until he was established . There were the student loans too that needed paying off . " George controlled my life before he became an attorney and afterward as well . I was proud of what I had done for my husband . To be honest Jack , I do enjoy sex and for a few years , George was there for me and I was happy . That began to change three years ago . The sex dropped off and I had to ask for what I needed . Sometimes I demanded that he make love to me . Hey , I had put him through college and I deserved something for it didn 't I ? " You know I looked nice when we went to functions at his law office on Christmas and New Years . There were always the summer pool parties as well and I was never ashamed of what I looked like in a bikini . Two years ago , George told me I wasn 't invited to the Christmas Party . He would be going without me . He said it was just a chance for him to smooze with the other attorneys . I was disappointed because I looked forward to this yearly event . I never did care much for the New Year 's bashes as it was mostly a drunken brawl . " I found out more about the Christmas party some time later that year . I met one of the attorney 's wives in the mall one day . She came up to me asking , ' Nora , do you really enjoy having an open marriage lifestyle ? I couldn 't even consider it for myself , but I can see where it might be fun on occasion . The rumor is that George has to put up with you because that is what you want and he loves you so much so he lets you do your thing . " " I was crushed because George was saying things about me that was totally false . I went home with fire in my eyes . He admitted that he might have implied to some of his friends at work I had messed around outside of our marriage . He wouldn 't admit he was being unfaithful and I halfway believed him . I now know it was him who was messing around . " George was my loving husband again for about a month . Then I got an anonymous note in the mail one day addressed for my eyes only . It was from three wives of the attorneys who worked with George . It was a warning to stay away from their husbands . I didn 't socialize much after I got that . Last July fourth I did go to the pool party . That was a mistake . The head attorney of the firm where George works appeared at my side and asked me politely to leave . " I asked why . He handed me a picture of me having sex with two men . My face was clearly identifiable . I was so humiliated , I left immediately . Jack , I swear on a stack of bibles that I had never been unfaithful , but the picture of me was there to be seen . " I confronted George when he came home . He said I was getting too much of a reputation and it was transferring over into his job and hurting his chances . He might have to leave and go out on his own . He declared he couldn 't stay married to me any longer and wanted a divorce . From then on it got worse and worse . " He wanted to have custody of the twins transferred to his mother and father . He said they raised them as their own the last few months while I was off doing my thing . Hell , I was working every spare minute all those years . Someone had to care for them because he never had anything to do with them . Custody wasn 't for himself , but for his parents because he never bonded with the boys at all . I don 't think he wanted to pay their support to me . There is more . I lost my job the next week for having an inappropriate lifestyle that my company didn 't condone . How they thought that , I can only guess . " George always handled the money and I didn 't have but little of my own . I engaged a lawyer . He was fresh at the bar and cheap . He was all I could afford and I counter sued . I was warned to just let the suit against me go forward . I was stubborn . Two weeks later I was pulled over and my car was gone through . There were drugs found under the front seat . " The last nine months have been hell for me . I paid my attorney the last money I had because he gave it every effort , but he was up against too many experienced lawyers . My last hundred dollars I gave to the kid next door for his junk car and to have it registered . When the plates arrived , which was three days ago , I got in it and headed for my aunt 's house . " You know the rest . In the small case I have with me are just a few keepsakes from my family . You know pictures and stuff . George took anything of value , which wasn 't much . " " It was nice , but a rental . George refused to pay the lease any longer after I lost the boys . I was going to be evicted this Friday . It seemed that when I did find work , it wasn 't long before I was terminated . I was lucky if I had two consecutive week 's work before my reputation caught up with me . " " Yes , I had an hour to talk to them . I asked them to not forget me . They have promised me they wouldn 't . They will be of age in four years . I can see them once a month until then , but it has to be supervised . You know I think my husband was pushing so hard that at the very last the judge wondered if there was more behind the suit that wasn 't brought out . My lawyer didn 't present anything to refute the evidence , so here I am . I 'm thankful I didn 't get jail time . " " I believe it is one of the women attorneys named Phyllis Burbank . She saw George and wanted him . She has him now . They are living together . According to my mother - in - law , he has asked the woman to be his wife . They are trying to get enough money together to go out and start a small firm on their own . I think they were glad when I informed George I was leaving town . " " That is where someone attaches an image of part of you onto an image of some other person . Just one crack in all of the evidence against you would make the rest of it suspect . It might clear your name . " We were at the courthouse and I had looked for Randy , hoping he would be there . Randy had been my friend all my life . When he joined the police department , we often ran into each other . " Hey Randy , you gave this lady beside me a citation . I came in with her while she pays it . I was hoping to run into you . While she is paying the clerk can I talk to you ? " " The woman I hired to clean my house is the woman that has the problem . She had some problems with her husband . He used this photo I 'm talking about to prove infidelity . She says it never happened . Her attorney didn 't have it examined and it was entered into evidence without question . Needless to say she is now divorced . " " I 'd guess so . He brags about his grilled hotdogs . Anything would be better than those as a steady diet . Say , Jack said you have had some problems in your life recently . He tells me you have a photograph that he thinks should be examined . Do you have it in your possession if I can find someone to look at it ? " " I 'll swing by after work some day when I can arrange to have a person with me who would know what to look for . It may take awhile , but we 'll come as soon as we can . She has a camera and can she take a picture with you posing in the same position ? " An emphatic , " No , " exploded from Nora 's lips . " Nobody is taking a picture of me doing what the picture shows that person is doing or anything near it . " Randy and I both laughed . She went on , " But I don 't need to worry , Jack and I have a business deal and something like that will not be a part of it . " I shook my head that I wouldn 't . Randy smiled and didn 't push further . I was thankful for that . He and I knew when to stop kidding about something such as this and this is what made us friends . |
I 've always had a difficult time with change . Such a difficult time that even the smallest decisions like getting a haircut will send me into anxiety for weeks . Due to this unfortunate personality flaw , I 'll tend to maroon myself in things that probably needed to change a long time ago . This goes for jobs , relationships , habits , and so on . A little over six months ago , I had what I considered a comfortable life . I wasn 't happy , but I would do nothing to change any aspect of what surrounded me . I was going on the seventh year of a rocky relationship , entering the 18th year of a career that was completely unsatisfying , and living my 3rd year in an apartment that I hated with an inconvenient location . When I look back on it now , there were many simple things that I could have done to make things better for myself . I didn 't see any of it at the time . It wouldn 't matter , because in the span of one week every aspect of my life changed . Life pulled the fucking rug out from under me and I could no longer unhappily sleepwalk through my existance . It was a chain reaction , beginning with my relationship being destroyed . It had come out that he had cheated , and he no longer wanted to be my partner . I was devastated . I didn 't want to believe that he had given up on us after so many years together . I spent a lot of time not accepting it , and thinking that he would change his mind . This was the worst thing I could have put myself through , and it nearly destroyed me . He was my whole world , and now it was gone . I couldn 't function on any level . I stopped eating and dropped down to 98 pounds . I didn 't sleep . All I could do was blame myself and wallow in my own self - loathing . This state I was in led to the next phase of my life falling apart . During this horrific breakup , I was on year 3 of a very high - stress job . I had been recently promoted , and the expectations and responsibilities were extreme . When the break up happened , I let the higher - ups know that I was going through personal hardship and I would try my best to not let it affect my work performance . They were sympathetic for about a week . They wouldn 't allow me to take any vacation time or leave , as it was a peak time for us and the business simply couldn 't run in my absence . They began to lose patience with me after I waasn 't back to my old self quickly enough . My work quality was slipping and I was distracted . I didn 't look good due to the weight loss and lack of sleep , and my co - workers and the people who worked for me were visibly uncomfortable to be around me . I was making mistakes , and I knew that it would be only a matter of time that I would be terminated . I 've never been fired from a job in my life . Work has always been the most important thing to me , and I have built an excellent resume and refrences . I did not want a black mark on my career . I made the choice to quit without anything else lined up . Something I have never done before in my life . Hands - down the riskiest move I 've ever done . It was the only option at the time , and I knew it . When I took my store keys and handed them in , the fear of the unknown was overwhelming . Underneath that , complete relief . I realized at that moment how much I hated working there . Truly hated it , and it consumed 45 - 50 hours a week of my time . The thousands of things and the hoards of people I was responsible for suddenly werent my fucking problem any more . What a wonderful relief . The scramble to find work was immediate . Because I electively chose to leave my job , I couldn 't draw unemployment . I got paid out my last checks with that fucking vacation time they wouldn 't let me take , so that bought me a little time . All this time , I was still living in our small apartment with my now x that already had a girlfriend . He wanted me out . I needed to start working again . Through mutual friends , I found out a guy I knew owned a coffee shop / bar and might be needing someone . At different points in my life , I had been a barista and bartended . After some networking , I was hired . I was officially unemployed for exactly 52 hours . I would be brought on part - time , and at minumum wage . Obviously , not enough to live on but it would be some income coming in until I found another job in my usual carreer . I thanked my friend for helping me out , and promised to be the best damned worker he 'd ever had . There I was , 35 years old . Single , working in a coffee shop , essentially homeless . Definitely not how I envisioned my life at that point . Some days , I felt like a fucking loser . Others I tried to tell myself that I should enjoy the liberation of having no adult responsibilities . One of my customers offered me a room to rent in his house . I moved in , and my x and I stopped living together . That was both necessary and sad . The final nail in the coffin of our relationship . Although I felt like a personal failure , I honestly liked the job . It had been so long since I had worked with zero responsiblilty I had fogotten what it was like . My mind was completely clear while I was there , and I actually smiled while working . Not that fake corporate smile you learn to plaster on your face from years of conditioning . I could wear beat up sneakers to work . That alone was a blessing . I was used to living in staunch corporate dress which included 9 hours in high heels . I liked the customers , and was happy to see them . Even more wonderful , they were happy to see me . In my last career , I was upper management so any person I had to deal with was usually very upset and I would need to find a way to appease them which at that point was near impossible . I could play whatever music I wanted , and put whatever I wanted on the television . It was like an adult fantasy camp . I knew it couldn 't last . I 'd have to make some actual money in order to put an actual roof over my head . Thats when I started tracking what I made at the new gig . With my minimum wage and tips , I nearly made as much as I was making in my last career . After taxes , insurance , and other bullshit taken out of my checks … shit . It wasnt quite the same , but it was damn close . That 's when I had to come to terms with the fact that I had been slaving away for the last 18 years , getting my fucking ass handed to me , killing myself with stress and I never had to . I had convinced myself that I should stay with that career because I had built a certain resume that afforded me aThe black cat cafe The cafe itself is weird . It sits on the head of Alberta street , which is a " destination " area for tourists . It has a long history of being a shady place for neighborhood folks to buy and sell drugs and for underage kids to get drunk . By the time I was hired , the business had been bought out and was in the process of re - branding into something else . The building had been there for so long and had been such a notorious institution in the neighborhood , the change - over was difficult . Many of the old regulars stopped coming in as an act of protest . Those that still came in still called it by the old name of " The Black Cat " and refused to aknowledge that it has a new name and was under new ownership . My first weeks working there nearly every customer that came in would ask those same qusetions in hostile tones : The neighborhood was resistant to accept any change , and the purchasing of the Black Cat pissed a lot of folks off . I didn 't mind feilding the angry crust punks ' questions . Still better than any one person I had to deal with in my old carrer . I would still get the occasional shady dude who would breeze past me with a backpack on heading straight to the back patio just to dart out again once realizing that either his dealer or his clientele is no longer posted up there . Some of the old customers continued to come in . Despite the name change and the lack of cigarettes , the place was mostly the same . The food menu remained , the coffee got better , and we still served the cheapest booze and beer on the street . I started to get attatched to the place , and the regulars that frequent it . I would notice if I didn 't see someone come in for a few days , and worry about them . I became the only full time employee , and essentially the manager as there are just some things you cant turn off even if you want to . It was a slow afternoon . I was working the mid shift , and I hadn 't seen a customer in at least an hour . That was typical in those days . Back then all of our business would be in the morning , then stagnate in the afternoons . I would keep busy . There was always something to clean or organize . Shit , just getting to pick my own music to listen to while I was working was still such a treat for me I could care less how slow the time was going . My shifts were 5 hours long . I was used to working 9 - 12 . Total fantasy camp . My friend Kyle came in to hang out and chat with me . He did that often , as he lived 3 or 4 blocks up from the cafe and was always a welcome distration for me on those slow afternoons . He and I were alone in the cafe for about an hour before the next customers walked in . A woman in her 40 's came to the counter accompanied by a guy that looked like he was in his early 20 's . They both ordered screwdrivers . I asked to see the guy 's id . He scoffed at me and started copping an attitude . He let me know that he used to work here , and the fact that I didn 't know that is rediculous . I told him that I 'd never seen him before , therefore I would need to check his id . He finally gave it to me . I poured their drinks . He asked me those usual " why isn 't this the Black Cat any more " questions . I patiently answered them . I also patiently listened to how much he hated that it 's under new ownership and how badass the place used to be when he worked there . Former employees were always the worst to deal with by far . They have a weird sense of entitlement over the place , like they own it in some sense and almost always cause large amounts of problems when they decide to visit . The woman that was with him quietly hung back as he was going off on his tngent , smiling at me apologetically . She eventually cut him off and urged him on to the back patio . By that time a few more customers had trickled in . All were regulars that I recognized , there to get a few cheap tall cans after clocking off from work . Kyle was still there hanging out . I had about 2 hours left in my shift . The uppity kid from the patio came in and ordered another round for himself and his companion . He asked me to make them " extra strong " and he 'd " tip me well " wink wink nudge nudge . I told him I pour all drinks the same . He got pissy and said that he would tip me double . I again told him that I pour all drinks the exact same . He again expresed that he wanted his drink to taste " strong " . I said I could put in less orange juice , if thats what he wanted . He agreed . I poured the drinks and he went outside . After about a half hour , the woman and the kid appeared at the counter , half - drunk drinks in hand . She starts chatting with me about the music I have playing . She is tall and blonde , in a fashionable coat and beyond pleasant . I can 't help but wonder what her relationship is to the much younger , and much shittier kid she 's hanging out with . She asks me if I wouldn 't mind putting a song on that she 's really been wanting to hear . Normally I wouldnt do something like that , but the cafe was slow and I couldnt ' think of any good reason to tell her no . I found the song and played it . It was some blues song from the 60 's . She sat and sang along , eyes closed and swaying to the beat . The kid and Kyle began chatting . We discovered that his name was Bobby , he had just moved back to portland after a brief stint in New York , and he was a homosexual . These were the three things he kept telling kyle over and over . It was also clear he was drunk . Way drunker than a cocktail and a half should make a person . Kyle has a way of engaging people , and kept trying to entice a conversation out of Bobby . He was stuck on that skipping record of the drunk where they just keep repating the same things over and over with more and more urgent tones . The blonde 's song ended . I put my playlist back on . They finished their drinks . The blonde lady began to put her coat back on and was gesturing for boby to leave with her . He started to get up out of his bar seat and then snapped to attention . " I want to hear a song now . She got to hear one , now I want one . " I asked him what he 'd like to hear . He took a long time deciding , and I just wanted him to leave . He was drunk , and getting louder and more difficult . He finally blurted out a song . I bent over the house ipad , busyng myself with try to find this song and artist I 've never heard of on yotube . As I was still searching , I heard a loud crash . I turn around and see Bobby standing up on top of the bar , staring right at me . He had chucked his empty cocktail glass at the wall of liquor bottles . Thankfully , nothing broke . Not even the empty bucket glass now spinning on the ground . The blonde and Kyle both stared at Bobby , frozen with mouths hanging open . He jumped down behind the bar with me . He swayed back and forth , looking dead in my eyes . I told him to get out from behind the counter . The blonde grabbed his arm and yanked him hard out from around the counter . She said " Bobby , I thought we were going to have a nice day together but I guess we aren 't now . That 's a shame because I was having a really nice time with these nice folks . Now we have to go because you did a bad thing . you understand ? ' Bobby looked at his feet in a moment of shame . Again she told him that they had to go . She apologized to me , and said they would be leaving . She pulled on his arm and he went completely rag doll - limp and fell to the ground . He remained lying on the floor of the cafe , spread out like a gingerbread man and refusing to get up . He then emitted a loud scream , mouth hanging wide open with eyes staring straight up at the ceiling . The customers in the cafe looked on . I told the blonde that he had to go or I 'd call the police . She got him up off the floor . I let him know he was 86 'd , and no longer allowed in this establishment . At this point he appeared to suddenly have a very difficult time walking . She had to help him to the door and they both exited and lumbered on down Alberta , arm - in - arm . Kyle and I both looked at each other in a general " what the fuck was that " kind of moment . The regulars talked amongst themselves and discussed what the hell must have been wrong with that guy . I had only seved him two drinks . Why was he so fucked up ? I could only guess one of three scenarios : a ) He was really drunk when he got there and I didn 't notice b ) He drank his friend 's drinks as well as his when I wasn 't looking c ) He was on drugs . Pobabaly all three . Bout ten minutes later , he was back . He appeared in the doorway , without his friend and swaing back and forth with that drunk - eyed expression . I want my bag . His friend had clearly ditched him . I did not blame her . He was back , looking for some mysterious bag he supposedly had when he came in there that contained his cell phone . I did not remember him having a bag when he came in . I helped him look all over the cafe and the patio . He was unable to describe to me what this bag looked like , so I had no idea what he was looking for . There was no abandoned bag . He roamed around in circles and then gradually wandered out . You 're going to have to leave . Your bag isn 't here . I didn 't even see you come in with one . You have to leave . If you come in again , I will call the police . Got it ? He swayed defiantly , looking at me for more than a few minutes . A few of the regulars got up out of their seats to back me up , in case this dude was going to try anything . He eventually turned around and left . Thirty minutes later , I was told by a customer coming in the cafe that Bobby Buckets was sleeping on the sidewalk outside of the cafe . And by sleeping , they meant passed the fuck out . Customers continued to come in , and I worked in the cafe alone leaving me unable to go and access the situation outside . Kyle went out to check it out for me . Sure enough , there he was right outside the building . He was passed out , face up and right on the sidewalk . He looked like he literally fell backwards onto the pavement , and it was under no mistake that he was fucked up . Oregon has really strict laws when it comes to booze . Much different than when I poured liquor in California . For starts , anyone serving alcohol has to take an educational course and hold a permit and register with the OLCC ( Oregon Liquor Control Commission ) . This education course includes everything from the legalities in which a bartender or establishment can be held to , how to identify and handle a visibly intoxicated person , how to check and identify fake ID cards , to the rules and regulations of personal conduct while serving alcohol to customers . The course is followed by a test , and you must pass with a certain percentage to get a license . You may not work as a bartender without one . When I started pouring booze in this state , I was told by friends that the OLCC does not fuck around . If they catch you violating any policy whatsoever , they could not only take your permit but will personally fine you . That means not only will you need to find another career , you 'd better find one quick because now you 're heading towards bankruptcy . I was new to dealing with the OLCC , and was mindful of the horror stories that people had told me . This made me very concerned that I had a guy passed out in the front of the bar I was working at . This also made me afraid to call the cops . What if they took my license for over - serving ? This was my only means for the moment . If they took my license , I could never do this type of work again and I had just started in this town . Now I know that I had nothing to be afraid of . I should have called the cops immediately . I didn 't know that then . This fear of the OLCC is the reason why everything happened the way it did . I asked Kyle to try and get him up off the ground and away from the building . I continued to help customers . After a long while , Kyle returned . He said that he was able to wake him up and offered him a ride home to his house , wherever it was . He said he refused , and ended up running off down the street . Good . Gone . Kyle and 3 regulars went out to look as I helplessly stood behind the counter serving the line of waiting customers . What the fuck was going on outside ? Literally nothing I could do . I sweated nervously , waiting for Kyle to come back in and tell me what was going on . Eventually , the group came back in . I was told the following happened : Kyle and the regulars explained to me that several times they explained to him that if he just left this area and went somewhere else , there would be no trouble and everything would be fine . He refused . He had waged war upon me and the surrounding area , as I had stolen his bag . The gang assured him that I , in fact , did not have said bag and he needed to just go away . At one point , the argument between my regular ( I 'll call " Eric " ) became heated and Bobby spit in his face . Eric clocked him , and amazingly Bobby did not go down . After that , they came in to report what had happened . Bobby remained outside , dragging the branch through the street . This is when the cops definitely should have been called . They should have been called the minute this fool took a booze - snooze on the concrete mattress . I know that now . Back then , I didn 't know that the cops side with the drinking establishments in situations such as these . I also worked for a privately - owned business . One of which where I personally knew the owners , and who were friends of mine . I didn 't want to bring any unnecessary problems , fines , or black marks onto their establishment . What if I got their liquor license taken away ? What then ? I also don 't trust cops in general , and prefer not to deal with them at all costs . Growing up in Fresno you learn that cops are not your friends , they don 't take your side , and dealing with them will almost always cost you a lot of money and even sometimes your freedom . I continued to try to control the situation . If this dude would just fucking leave , there would be no problem . Customers came in . I had to serve them . Kyle went to see what was going on now . Bobby had abandoned the branch in the middle of the road , and snapped the windshield wipers off 3 of the parked cars and was throwing them like footballs at the side of the building . I dropped what I was doing and went outside . You think if I had your bag , I wouldn 't just fucking give it to you so you 'd leave ? I don 't have it . It 's not here . You left it somewhere else . You need to leave . I 'm going to call the cops . You will be arrested . You don 't want to go to jail . All you have to do is leave . Buy a new one . You 've vandalized property . At this point , a phone will cost far less than what you 'll be facing . Just leave . Do it . I 'm giving you a chance of a lifetime . By this point the cafe regulars had come to join me outside . They told him to go as well . He still stood there , defiant . He started arguing Eric again . It looked like it was going to turn into a brawl . What happened next occurred so quickly , it 's almost hard to describe . Bobby ran from the side of the building to the front , which is on a very busy street lined with popular shops and restaurants . We have a very heavy , blackboard sandwich sign that sits on the sidewalk . Somehow , this scrawny kid picked it up and flung it in a huge arc right into the street . A speeding sedan plied the brakes , laying smoking rubber to a keep it from coming down on their hood and windshield . The car behind it had to swerve into the oncoming lane to avoid the suddenly stopped car . Miraculously , no one was hurt . Everyone stood , stunned . I needed to get to a phone and call the cops . I drug the sign out of the road so the cars would stop piling up . I ran inside to get my cell phone . We had a house phone , but it was an ancient piece of shit that barely worked and you couldn 't hear much more than static out of . Plus , my phone was closer . I ran around the bar and snatched it up . Incredulously , two customers were queued up at the register waiting to be served . As I ran behind the bar , they tried to shout their order at me . I ignored them , and ran outside . One of my regulars was already on his cell with the cops . I called one of my owners . Bobby was screaming and yelling , flailing his arms and legs around like he was having a mental break in front of the store . My owner picked up . I shouted into the phone as best I could over the phone what was happening over the chaos . He said he was coming . Bobby stopped flailing and suddenly darted in full sprint into the store . I pushed everyone out of the way and followed him in . He 'd sprinted to the back patio . I grabbed the first weapon - like object I could find : a broom . I chased him in a circle off the patio and back into the store . He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and faced me . Eric was next to me . He reached over and grabbed a bottle of French 's yellow mustard from the nearby counter . I knew what was going to happen . I yelled no and threw my hand up in defense . Eric did not foresee , unfortunately . Bobby began squirting the mustard . First , all over Eric . In his face , his hair . Eric fell away , trying to wipe mustard out of his eyes . Bobby then began squirting the windows , the walls , the floor … . I ran at him to get it away from him . He emptied the rest of the bottle down onto my face and hair , then chucked the it down as hard and fast as he could onto my cheekbone and nose . My eyes instantly watered up and I couldn 't see . I staggered , trying to recover . By the time I could see again , the cops were there and arresting him . I wiped off my face with a bar towel and went outside . The minute the cops touched him , bobby began to scream and wail at the top of his lungs . He didn 't stop . To say it was a spectacle would be an understatement . By this time , everyone from those stores and restaurants had come out and were lining the street to watch the show . Two cops and an OLCC representative wanted to interview me . I was completely freaked out . They asked me what happened . I told them everything from the moment he first walked in . They asked me several times how many drinks I served him . I told them , and also mentioned that he had paid with a debit card , and could show them the receipt as proof that he was only served two drinks . They asked to see it as well as my ID and liquor license . I took them inside and provided it for them . They looked at those as well as the mustard mess all over the inside of the building . My hair was matted against the side of my cheek , coated and reeking of mustard . I wanted to puke . Bobby was still screaming outside , bent over the cop car hood with his hands handcuffed behind his back . They took my information and thanked me for calling them . That was it . I stood outside and watched as bobby decided to put a nail in his coffin by suddenly spazzing out and resisting arrest as the cops tried to guide him into the cop car . The largest , most terrifying wall of a man eased himself out of one of the back up cars and slowly walked over to Bobby that was flailing like a fish . With one beefy arm , he drug bobby up like a rag doll and popped him in the car . Bobby fell in silent amazement as the car door slammed . He began beating his head on the window in a rhythmic pattern . His current charges now included vandalism , assault ( because of the spitting ) , public intoxication , trespassing ( as I was later to find out , he had along ago been 86 'd from this establishment ) as well as resisting arrest . All he had to do was walk away . Hell , Kyle even offered to give him a ride home . You want to feel sorry for someone like that . Someone with a clear problem with either substace abuse , mental illnss or perhaps both . You want to , but you just cant . I had given him so many chances to avoid this outcome . The cops drove off . The owner showed up as I was mopping the mustard off of the windows . Eric was in the bathroom rinsing his hair and beard in the sink . I started to try and tell him what happened . It turns out bobby is a notorious character in these parts , and had been 86 'd at most establishments for similar erratic behavior . Apparently , he 's a deeply disturbed individual with a drug habit . That may be why he was so reluctant to take off without his bag that day . I also found out his nickname : Bobby Buckets . That wasn 't his real name , but what everyone called him . Not sure why . No one could say . At the Black Cat alone , he was 86 'd previously for spazzing out , becoming violent , stealing , etc . Also , bizarre behavior such as pulling the bus tub down off of the counter and squatting in it while meowing like a cat . I felt like such a jackass for not just calling the cops when shit started to go south that day . Valuable lesson learned . The cops and the OLCC came by two more times to interview me after the incident . They informed me that all charges were going to be pressed that were up against him . All of the people who 's wipers got snapped off of their cars were suing for property damage . My owner chose not to press any charges , as well as myself . Eric declined to press assault charges , as he had pending warrants and didn 't want anything to do with talking to the cops . Kyle and I were both subpoenaed to testify in court . No one took a video of anything that happened . It all happened so fast and everything was so dramatic , I suppose no one thought to . I know I didn 't . No record of anything that happened … . save one pic . Kyle got one glorious pic of bobby passed out on the sidewalk . The day after it all happened , he posted this to my Facebook wall : Shit people like the best Adventures at the Crackerbox Tavern . Knives and Hookers on a Saturday . Keepin ' it Weird How I Broke My Ribs With a Can of Soup . Blogroll |
I 've always had a difficult time with change . Such a difficult time that even the smallest decisions like getting a haircut will send me into anxiety for weeks . Due to this unfortunate personality flaw , I 'll tend to maroon myself in things that probably needed to change a long time ago . This goes for jobs , relationships , habits , and so on . A little over six months ago , I had what I considered a comfortable life . I wasn 't happy , but I would do nothing to change any aspect of what surrounded me . I was going on the seventh year of a rocky relationship , entering the 18th year of a career that was completely unsatisfying , and living my 3rd year in an apartment that I hated with an inconvenient location . When I look back on it now , there were many simple things that I could have done to make things better for myself . I didn 't see any of it at the time . It wouldn 't matter , because in the span of one week every aspect of my life changed . Life pulled the fucking rug out from under me and I could no longer unhappily sleepwalk through my existance . It was a chain reaction , beginning with my relationship being destroyed . It had come out that he had cheated , and he no longer wanted to be my partner . I was devastated . I didn 't want to believe that he had given up on us after so many years together . I spent a lot of time not accepting it , and thinking that he would change his mind . This was the worst thing I could have put myself through , and it nearly destroyed me . He was my whole world , and now it was gone . I couldn 't function on any level . I stopped eating and dropped down to 98 pounds . I didn 't sleep . All I could do was blame myself and wallow in my own self - loathing . This state I was in led to the next phase of my life falling apart . During this horrific breakup , I was on year 3 of a very high - stress job . I had been recently promoted , and the expectations and responsibilities were extreme . When the break up happened , I let the higher - ups know that I was going through personal hardship and I would try my best to not let it affect my work performance . They were sympathetic for about a week . They wouldn 't allow me to take any vacation time or leave , as it was a peak time for us and the business simply couldn 't run in my absence . They began to lose patience with me after I waasn 't back to my old self quickly enough . My work quality was slipping and I was distracted . I didn 't look good due to the weight loss and lack of sleep , and my co - workers and the people who worked for me were visibly uncomfortable to be around me . I was making mistakes , and I knew that it would be only a matter of time that I would be terminated . I 've never been fired from a job in my life . Work has always been the most important thing to me , and I have built an excellent resume and refrences . I did not want a black mark on my career . I made the choice to quit without anything else lined up . Something I have never done before in my life . Hands - down the riskiest move I 've ever done . It was the only option at the time , and I knew it . When I took my store keys and handed them in , the fear of the unknown was overwhelming . Underneath that , complete relief . I realized at that moment how much I hated working there . Truly hated it , and it consumed 45 - 50 hours a week of my time . The thousands of things and the hoards of people I was responsible for suddenly werent my fucking problem any more . What a wonderful relief . The scramble to find work was immediate . Because I electively chose to leave my job , I couldn 't draw unemployment . I got paid out my last checks with that fucking vacation time they wouldn 't let me take , so that bought me a little time . All this time , I was still living in our small apartment with my now x that already had a girlfriend . He wanted me out . I needed to start working again . Through mutual friends , I found out a guy I knew owned a coffee shop / bar and might be needing someone . At different points in my life , I had been a barista and bartended . After some networking , I was hired . I was officially unemployed for exactly 52 hours . I would be brought on part - time , and at minumum wage . Obviously , not enough to live on but it would be some income coming in until I found another job in my usual carreer . I thanked my friend for helping me out , and promised to be the best damned worker he 'd ever had . There I was , 35 years old . Single , working in a coffee shop , essentially homeless . Definitely not how I envisioned my life at that point . Some days , I felt like a fucking loser . Others I tried to tell myself that I should enjoy the liberation of having no adult responsibilities . One of my customers offered me a room to rent in his house . I moved in , and my x and I stopped living together . That was both necessary and sad . The final nail in the coffin of our relationship . Although I felt like a personal failure , I honestly liked the job . It had been so long since I had worked with zero responsiblilty I had fogotten what it was like . My mind was completely clear while I was there , and I actually smiled while working . Not that fake corporate smile you learn to plaster on your face from years of conditioning . I could wear beat up sneakers to work . That alone was a blessing . I was used to living in staunch corporate dress which included 9 hours in high heels . I liked the customers , and was happy to see them . Even more wonderful , they were happy to see me . In my last career , I was upper management so any person I had to deal with was usually very upset and I would need to find a way to appease them which at that point was near impossible . I could play whatever music I wanted , and put whatever I wanted on the television . It was like an adult fantasy camp . I knew it couldn 't last . I 'd have to make some actual money in order to put an actual roof over my head . Thats when I started tracking what I made at the new gig . With my minimum wage and tips , I nearly made as much as I was making in my last career . After taxes , insurance , and other bullshit taken out of my checks … shit . It wasnt quite the same , but it was damn close . That 's when I had to come to terms with the fact that I had been slaving away for the last 18 years , getting my fucking ass handed to me , killing myself with stress and I never had to . I had convinced myself that I should stay with that career because I had built a certain resume that afforded me aThe black cat cafe The cafe itself is weird . It sits on the head of Alberta street , which is a " destination " area for tourists . It has a long history of being a shady place for neighborhood folks to buy and sell drugs and for underage kids to get drunk . By the time I was hired , the business had been bought out and was in the process of re - branding into something else . The building had been there for so long and had been such a notorious institution in the neighborhood , the change - over was difficult . Many of the old regulars stopped coming in as an act of protest . Those that still came in still called it by the old name of " The Black Cat " and refused to aknowledge that it has a new name and was under new ownership . My first weeks working there nearly every customer that came in would ask those same qusetions in hostile tones : The neighborhood was resistant to accept any change , and the purchasing of the Black Cat pissed a lot of folks off . I didn 't mind feilding the angry crust punks ' questions . Still better than any one person I had to deal with in my old carrer . I would still get the occasional shady dude who would breeze past me with a backpack on heading straight to the back patio just to dart out again once realizing that either his dealer or his clientele is no longer posted up there . Some of the old customers continued to come in . Despite the name change and the lack of cigarettes , the place was mostly the same . The food menu remained , the coffee got better , and we still served the cheapest booze and beer on the street . I started to get attatched to the place , and the regulars that frequent it . I would notice if I didn 't see someone come in for a few days , and worry about them . I became the only full time employee , and essentially the manager as there are just some things you cant turn off even if you want to . It was a slow afternoon . I was working the mid shift , and I hadn 't seen a customer in at least an hour . That was typical in those days . Back then all of our business would be in the morning , then stagnate in the afternoons . I would keep busy . There was always something to clean or organize . Shit , just getting to pick my own music to listen to while I was working was still such a treat for me I could care less how slow the time was going . My shifts were 5 hours long . I was used to working 9 - 12 . Total fantasy camp . My friend Kyle came in to hang out and chat with me . He did that often , as he lived 3 or 4 blocks up from the cafe and was always a welcome distration for me on those slow afternoons . He and I were alone in the cafe for about an hour before the next customers walked in . A woman in her 40 's came to the counter accompanied by a guy that looked like he was in his early 20 's . They both ordered screwdrivers . I asked to see the guy 's id . He scoffed at me and started copping an attitude . He let me know that he used to work here , and the fact that I didn 't know that is rediculous . I told him that I 'd never seen him before , therefore I would need to check his id . He finally gave it to me . I poured their drinks . He asked me those usual " why isn 't this the Black Cat any more " questions . I patiently answered them . I also patiently listened to how much he hated that it 's under new ownership and how badass the place used to be when he worked there . Former employees were always the worst to deal with by far . They have a weird sense of entitlement over the place , like they own it in some sense and almost always cause large amounts of problems when they decide to visit . The woman that was with him quietly hung back as he was going off on his tngent , smiling at me apologetically . She eventually cut him off and urged him on to the back patio . By that time a few more customers had trickled in . All were regulars that I recognized , there to get a few cheap tall cans after clocking off from work . Kyle was still there hanging out . I had about 2 hours left in my shift . The uppity kid from the patio came in and ordered another round for himself and his companion . He asked me to make them " extra strong " and he 'd " tip me well " wink wink nudge nudge . I told him I pour all drinks the same . He got pissy and said that he would tip me double . I again told him that I pour all drinks the exact same . He again expresed that he wanted his drink to taste " strong " . I said I could put in less orange juice , if thats what he wanted . He agreed . I poured the drinks and he went outside . After about a half hour , the woman and the kid appeared at the counter , half - drunk drinks in hand . She starts chatting with me about the music I have playing . She is tall and blonde , in a fashionable coat and beyond pleasant . I can 't help but wonder what her relationship is to the much younger , and much shittier kid she 's hanging out with . She asks me if I wouldn 't mind putting a song on that she 's really been wanting to hear . Normally I wouldnt do something like that , but the cafe was slow and I couldnt ' think of any good reason to tell her no . I found the song and played it . It was some blues song from the 60 's . She sat and sang along , eyes closed and swaying to the beat . The kid and Kyle began chatting . We discovered that his name was Bobby , he had just moved back to portland after a brief stint in New York , and he was a homosexual . These were the three things he kept telling kyle over and over . It was also clear he was drunk . Way drunker than a cocktail and a half should make a person . Kyle has a way of engaging people , and kept trying to entice a conversation out of Bobby . He was stuck on that skipping record of the drunk where they just keep repating the same things over and over with more and more urgent tones . The blonde 's song ended . I put my playlist back on . They finished their drinks . The blonde lady began to put her coat back on and was gesturing for boby to leave with her . He started to get up out of his bar seat and then snapped to attention . " I want to hear a song now . She got to hear one , now I want one . " I asked him what he 'd like to hear . He took a long time deciding , and I just wanted him to leave . He was drunk , and getting louder and more difficult . He finally blurted out a song . I bent over the house ipad , busyng myself with try to find this song and artist I 've never heard of on yotube . As I was still searching , I heard a loud crash . I turn around and see Bobby standing up on top of the bar , staring right at me . He had chucked his empty cocktail glass at the wall of liquor bottles . Thankfully , nothing broke . Not even the empty bucket glass now spinning on the ground . The blonde and Kyle both stared at Bobby , frozen with mouths hanging open . He jumped down behind the bar with me . He swayed back and forth , looking dead in my eyes . I told him to get out from behind the counter . The blonde grabbed his arm and yanked him hard out from around the counter . She said " Bobby , I thought we were going to have a nice day together but I guess we aren 't now . That 's a shame because I was having a really nice time with these nice folks . Now we have to go because you did a bad thing . you understand ? ' Bobby looked at his feet in a moment of shame . Again she told him that they had to go . She apologized to me , and said they would be leaving . She pulled on his arm and he went completely rag doll - limp and fell to the ground . He remained lying on the floor of the cafe , spread out like a gingerbread man and refusing to get up . He then emitted a loud scream , mouth hanging wide open with eyes staring straight up at the ceiling . The customers in the cafe looked on . I told the blonde that he had to go or I 'd call the police . She got him up off the floor . I let him know he was 86 'd , and no longer allowed in this establishment . At this point he appeared to suddenly have a very difficult time walking . She had to help him to the door and they both exited and lumbered on down Alberta , arm - in - arm . Kyle and I both looked at each other in a general " what the fuck was that " kind of moment . The regulars talked amongst themselves and discussed what the hell must have been wrong with that guy . I had only seved him two drinks . Why was he so fucked up ? I could only guess one of three scenarios : a ) He was really drunk when he got there and I didn 't notice b ) He drank his friend 's drinks as well as his when I wasn 't looking c ) He was on drugs . Pobabaly all three . Bout ten minutes later , he was back . He appeared in the doorway , without his friend and swaing back and forth with that drunk - eyed expression . I want my bag . His friend had clearly ditched him . I did not blame her . He was back , looking for some mysterious bag he supposedly had when he came in there that contained his cell phone . I did not remember him having a bag when he came in . I helped him look all over the cafe and the patio . He was unable to describe to me what this bag looked like , so I had no idea what he was looking for . There was no abandoned bag . He roamed around in circles and then gradually wandered out . You 're going to have to leave . Your bag isn 't here . I didn 't even see you come in with one . You have to leave . If you come in again , I will call the police . Got it ? He swayed defiantly , looking at me for more than a few minutes . A few of the regulars got up out of their seats to back me up , in case this dude was going to try anything . He eventually turned around and left . Thirty minutes later , I was told by a customer coming in the cafe that Bobby Buckets was sleeping on the sidewalk outside of the cafe . And by sleeping , they meant passed the fuck out . Customers continued to come in , and I worked in the cafe alone leaving me unable to go and access the situation outside . Kyle went out to check it out for me . Sure enough , there he was right outside the building . He was passed out , face up and right on the sidewalk . He looked like he literally fell backwards onto the pavement , and it was under no mistake that he was fucked up . Oregon has really strict laws when it comes to booze . Much different than when I poured liquor in California . For starts , anyone serving alcohol has to take an educational course and hold a permit and register with the OLCC ( Oregon Liquor Control Commission ) . This education course includes everything from the legalities in which a bartender or establishment can be held to , how to identify and handle a visibly intoxicated person , how to check and identify fake ID cards , to the rules and regulations of personal conduct while serving alcohol to customers . The course is followed by a test , and you must pass with a certain percentage to get a license . You may not work as a bartender without one . When I started pouring booze in this state , I was told by friends that the OLCC does not fuck around . If they catch you violating any policy whatsoever , they could not only take your permit but will personally fine you . That means not only will you need to find another career , you 'd better find one quick because now you 're heading towards bankruptcy . I was new to dealing with the OLCC , and was mindful of the horror stories that people had told me . This made me very concerned that I had a guy passed out in the front of the bar I was working at . This also made me afraid to call the cops . What if they took my license for over - serving ? This was my only means for the moment . If they took my license , I could never do this type of work again and I had just started in this town . Now I know that I had nothing to be afraid of . I should have called the cops immediately . I didn 't know that then . This fear of the OLCC is the reason why everything happened the way it did . I asked Kyle to try and get him up off the ground and away from the building . I continued to help customers . After a long while , Kyle returned . He said that he was able to wake him up and offered him a ride home to his house , wherever it was . He said he refused , and ended up running off down the street . Good . Gone . Kyle and 3 regulars went out to look as I helplessly stood behind the counter serving the line of waiting customers . What the fuck was going on outside ? Literally nothing I could do . I sweated nervously , waiting for Kyle to come back in and tell me what was going on . Eventually , the group came back in . I was told the following happened : Kyle and the regulars explained to me that several times they explained to him that if he just left this area and went somewhere else , there would be no trouble and everything would be fine . He refused . He had waged war upon me and the surrounding area , as I had stolen his bag . The gang assured him that I , in fact , did not have said bag and he needed to just go away . At one point , the argument between my regular ( I 'll call " Eric " ) became heated and Bobby spit in his face . Eric clocked him , and amazingly Bobby did not go down . After that , they came in to report what had happened . Bobby remained outside , dragging the branch through the street . This is when the cops definitely should have been called . They should have been called the minute this fool took a booze - snooze on the concrete mattress . I know that now . Back then , I didn 't know that the cops side with the drinking establishments in situations such as these . I also worked for a privately - owned business . One of which where I personally knew the owners , and who were friends of mine . I didn 't want to bring any unnecessary problems , fines , or black marks onto their establishment . What if I got their liquor license taken away ? What then ? I also don 't trust cops in general , and prefer not to deal with them at all costs . Growing up in Fresno you learn that cops are not your friends , they don 't take your side , and dealing with them will almost always cost you a lot of money and even sometimes your freedom . I continued to try to control the situation . If this dude would just fucking leave , there would be no problem . Customers came in . I had to serve them . Kyle went to see what was going on now . Bobby had abandoned the branch in the middle of the road , and snapped the windshield wipers off 3 of the parked cars and was throwing them like footballs at the side of the building . I dropped what I was doing and went outside . You think if I had your bag , I wouldn 't just fucking give it to you so you 'd leave ? I don 't have it . It 's not here . You left it somewhere else . You need to leave . I 'm going to call the cops . You will be arrested . You don 't want to go to jail . All you have to do is leave . Buy a new one . You 've vandalized property . At this point , a phone will cost far less than what you 'll be facing . Just leave . Do it . I 'm giving you a chance of a lifetime . By this point the cafe regulars had come to join me outside . They told him to go as well . He still stood there , defiant . He started arguing Eric again . It looked like it was going to turn into a brawl . What happened next occurred so quickly , it 's almost hard to describe . Bobby ran from the side of the building to the front , which is on a very busy street lined with popular shops and restaurants . We have a very heavy , blackboard sandwich sign that sits on the sidewalk . Somehow , this scrawny kid picked it up and flung it in a huge arc right into the street . A speeding sedan plied the brakes , laying smoking rubber to a keep it from coming down on their hood and windshield . The car behind it had to swerve into the oncoming lane to avoid the suddenly stopped car . Miraculously , no one was hurt . Everyone stood , stunned . I needed to get to a phone and call the cops . I drug the sign out of the road so the cars would stop piling up . I ran inside to get my cell phone . We had a house phone , but it was an ancient piece of shit that barely worked and you couldn 't hear much more than static out of . Plus , my phone was closer . I ran around the bar and snatched it up . Incredulously , two customers were queued up at the register waiting to be served . As I ran behind the bar , they tried to shout their order at me . I ignored them , and ran outside . One of my regulars was already on his cell with the cops . I called one of my owners . Bobby was screaming and yelling , flailing his arms and legs around like he was having a mental break in front of the store . My owner picked up . I shouted into the phone as best I could over the phone what was happening over the chaos . He said he was coming . Bobby stopped flailing and suddenly darted in full sprint into the store . I pushed everyone out of the way and followed him in . He 'd sprinted to the back patio . I grabbed the first weapon - like object I could find : a broom . I chased him in a circle off the patio and back into the store . He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and faced me . Eric was next to me . He reached over and grabbed a bottle of French 's yellow mustard from the nearby counter . I knew what was going to happen . I yelled no and threw my hand up in defense . Eric did not foresee , unfortunately . Bobby began squirting the mustard . First , all over Eric . In his face , his hair . Eric fell away , trying to wipe mustard out of his eyes . Bobby then began squirting the windows , the walls , the floor … . I ran at him to get it away from him . He emptied the rest of the bottle down onto my face and hair , then chucked the it down as hard and fast as he could onto my cheekbone and nose . My eyes instantly watered up and I couldn 't see . I staggered , trying to recover . By the time I could see again , the cops were there and arresting him . I wiped off my face with a bar towel and went outside . The minute the cops touched him , bobby began to scream and wail at the top of his lungs . He didn 't stop . To say it was a spectacle would be an understatement . By this time , everyone from those stores and restaurants had come out and were lining the street to watch the show . Two cops and an OLCC representative wanted to interview me . I was completely freaked out . They asked me what happened . I told them everything from the moment he first walked in . They asked me several times how many drinks I served him . I told them , and also mentioned that he had paid with a debit card , and could show them the receipt as proof that he was only served two drinks . They asked to see it as well as my ID and liquor license . I took them inside and provided it for them . They looked at those as well as the mustard mess all over the inside of the building . My hair was matted against the side of my cheek , coated and reeking of mustard . I wanted to puke . Bobby was still screaming outside , bent over the cop car hood with his hands handcuffed behind his back . They took my information and thanked me for calling them . That was it . I stood outside and watched as bobby decided to put a nail in his coffin by suddenly spazzing out and resisting arrest as the cops tried to guide him into the cop car . The largest , most terrifying wall of a man eased himself out of one of the back up cars and slowly walked over to Bobby that was flailing like a fish . With one beefy arm , he drug bobby up like a rag doll and popped him in the car . Bobby fell in silent amazement as the car door slammed . He began beating his head on the window in a rhythmic pattern . His current charges now included vandalism , assault ( because of the spitting ) , public intoxication , trespassing ( as I was later to find out , he had along ago been 86 'd from this establishment ) as well as resisting arrest . All he had to do was walk away . Hell , Kyle even offered to give him a ride home . You want to feel sorry for someone like that . Someone with a clear problem with either substace abuse , mental illnss or perhaps both . You want to , but you just cant . I had given him so many chances to avoid this outcome . The cops drove off . The owner showed up as I was mopping the mustard off of the windows . Eric was in the bathroom rinsing his hair and beard in the sink . I started to try and tell him what happened . It turns out bobby is a notorious character in these parts , and had been 86 'd at most establishments for similar erratic behavior . Apparently , he 's a deeply disturbed individual with a drug habit . That may be why he was so reluctant to take off without his bag that day . I also found out his nickname : Bobby Buckets . That wasn 't his real name , but what everyone called him . Not sure why . No one could say . At the Black Cat alone , he was 86 'd previously for spazzing out , becoming violent , stealing , etc . Also , bizarre behavior such as pulling the bus tub down off of the counter and squatting in it while meowing like a cat . I felt like such a jackass for not just calling the cops when shit started to go south that day . Valuable lesson learned . The cops and the OLCC came by two more times to interview me after the incident . They informed me that all charges were going to be pressed that were up against him . All of the people who 's wipers got snapped off of their cars were suing for property damage . My owner chose not to press any charges , as well as myself . Eric declined to press assault charges , as he had pending warrants and didn 't want anything to do with talking to the cops . Kyle and I were both subpoenaed to testify in court . No one took a video of anything that happened . It all happened so fast and everything was so dramatic , I suppose no one thought to . I know I didn 't . No record of anything that happened … . save one pic . Kyle got one glorious pic of bobby passed out on the sidewalk . The day after it all happened , he posted this to my Facebook wall : Shit people like the best Adventures at the Crackerbox Tavern . Knives and Hookers on a Saturday . Keepin ' it Weird How I Broke My Ribs With a Can of Soup . Blogroll |
I 've always had a difficult time with change . Such a difficult time that even the smallest decisions like getting a haircut will send me into anxiety for weeks . Due to this unfortunate personality flaw , I 'll tend to maroon myself in things that probably needed to change a long time ago . This goes for jobs , relationships , habits , and so on . A little over six months ago , I had what I considered a comfortable life . I wasn 't happy , but I would do nothing to change any aspect of what surrounded me . I was going on the seventh year of a rocky relationship , entering the 18th year of a career that was completely unsatisfying , and living my 3rd year in an apartment that I hated with an inconvenient location . When I look back on it now , there were many simple things that I could have done to make things better for myself . I didn 't see any of it at the time . It wouldn 't matter , because in the span of one week every aspect of my life changed . Life pulled the fucking rug out from under me and I could no longer unhappily sleepwalk through my existance . It was a chain reaction , beginning with my relationship being destroyed . It had come out that he had cheated , and he no longer wanted to be my partner . I was devastated . I didn 't want to believe that he had given up on us after so many years together . I spent a lot of time not accepting it , and thinking that he would change his mind . This was the worst thing I could have put myself through , and it nearly destroyed me . He was my whole world , and now it was gone . I couldn 't function on any level . I stopped eating and dropped down to 98 pounds . I didn 't sleep . All I could do was blame myself and wallow in my own self - loathing . This state I was in led to the next phase of my life falling apart . During this horrific breakup , I was on year 3 of a very high - stress job . I had been recently promoted , and the expectations and responsibilities were extreme . When the break up happened , I let the higher - ups know that I was going through personal hardship and I would try my best to not let it affect my work performance . They were sympathetic for about a week . They wouldn 't allow me to take any vacation time or leave , as it was a peak time for us and the business simply couldn 't run in my absence . They began to lose patience with me after I waasn 't back to my old self quickly enough . My work quality was slipping and I was distracted . I didn 't look good due to the weight loss and lack of sleep , and my co - workers and the people who worked for me were visibly uncomfortable to be around me . I was making mistakes , and I knew that it would be only a matter of time that I would be terminated . I 've never been fired from a job in my life . Work has always been the most important thing to me , and I have built an excellent resume and refrences . I did not want a black mark on my career . I made the choice to quit without anything else lined up . Something I have never done before in my life . Hands - down the riskiest move I 've ever done . It was the only option at the time , and I knew it . When I took my store keys and handed them in , the fear of the unknown was overwhelming . Underneath that , complete relief . I realized at that moment how much I hated working there . Truly hated it , and it consumed 45 - 50 hours a week of my time . The thousands of things and the hoards of people I was responsible for suddenly werent my fucking problem any more . What a wonderful relief . The scramble to find work was immediate . Because I electively chose to leave my job , I couldn 't draw unemployment . I got paid out my last checks with that fucking vacation time they wouldn 't let me take , so that bought me a little time . All this time , I was still living in our small apartment with my now x that already had a girlfriend . He wanted me out . I needed to start working again . Through mutual friends , I found out a guy I knew owned a coffee shop / bar and might be needing someone . At different points in my life , I had been a barista and bartended . After some networking , I was hired . I was officially unemployed for exactly 52 hours . I would be brought on part - time , and at minumum wage . Obviously , not enough to live on but it would be some income coming in until I found another job in my usual carreer . I thanked my friend for helping me out , and promised to be the best damned worker he 'd ever had . There I was , 35 years old . Single , working in a coffee shop , essentially homeless . Definitely not how I envisioned my life at that point . Some days , I felt like a fucking loser . Others I tried to tell myself that I should enjoy the liberation of having no adult responsibilities . One of my customers offered me a room to rent in his house . I moved in , and my x and I stopped living together . That was both necessary and sad . The final nail in the coffin of our relationship . Although I felt like a personal failure , I honestly liked the job . It had been so long since I had worked with zero responsiblilty I had fogotten what it was like . My mind was completely clear while I was there , and I actually smiled while working . Not that fake corporate smile you learn to plaster on your face from years of conditioning . I could wear beat up sneakers to work . That alone was a blessing . I was used to living in staunch corporate dress which included 9 hours in high heels . I liked the customers , and was happy to see them . Even more wonderful , they were happy to see me . In my last career , I was upper management so any person I had to deal with was usually very upset and I would need to find a way to appease them which at that point was near impossible . I could play whatever music I wanted , and put whatever I wanted on the television . It was like an adult fantasy camp . I knew it couldn 't last . I 'd have to make some actual money in order to put an actual roof over my head . Thats when I started tracking what I made at the new gig . With my minimum wage and tips , I nearly made as much as I was making in my last career . After taxes , insurance , and other bullshit taken out of my checks … shit . It wasnt quite the same , but it was damn close . That 's when I had to come to terms with the fact that I had been slaving away for the last 18 years , getting my fucking ass handed to me , killing myself with stress and I never had to . I had convinced myself that I should stay with that career because I had built a certain resume that afforded me aThe black cat cafe The cafe itself is weird . It sits on the head of Alberta street , which is a " destination " area for tourists . It has a long history of being a shady place for neighborhood folks to buy and sell drugs and for underage kids to get drunk . By the time I was hired , the business had been bought out and was in the process of re - branding into something else . The building had been there for so long and had been such a notorious institution in the neighborhood , the change - over was difficult . Many of the old regulars stopped coming in as an act of protest . Those that still came in still called it by the old name of " The Black Cat " and refused to aknowledge that it has a new name and was under new ownership . My first weeks working there nearly every customer that came in would ask those same qusetions in hostile tones : The neighborhood was resistant to accept any change , and the purchasing of the Black Cat pissed a lot of folks off . I didn 't mind feilding the angry crust punks ' questions . Still better than any one person I had to deal with in my old carrer . I would still get the occasional shady dude who would breeze past me with a backpack on heading straight to the back patio just to dart out again once realizing that either his dealer or his clientele is no longer posted up there . Some of the old customers continued to come in . Despite the name change and the lack of cigarettes , the place was mostly the same . The food menu remained , the coffee got better , and we still served the cheapest booze and beer on the street . I started to get attatched to the place , and the regulars that frequent it . I would notice if I didn 't see someone come in for a few days , and worry about them . I became the only full time employee , and essentially the manager as there are just some things you cant turn off even if you want to . It was a slow afternoon . I was working the mid shift , and I hadn 't seen a customer in at least an hour . That was typical in those days . Back then all of our business would be in the morning , then stagnate in the afternoons . I would keep busy . There was always something to clean or organize . Shit , just getting to pick my own music to listen to while I was working was still such a treat for me I could care less how slow the time was going . My shifts were 5 hours long . I was used to working 9 - 12 . Total fantasy camp . My friend Kyle came in to hang out and chat with me . He did that often , as he lived 3 or 4 blocks up from the cafe and was always a welcome distration for me on those slow afternoons . He and I were alone in the cafe for about an hour before the next customers walked in . A woman in her 40 's came to the counter accompanied by a guy that looked like he was in his early 20 's . They both ordered screwdrivers . I asked to see the guy 's id . He scoffed at me and started copping an attitude . He let me know that he used to work here , and the fact that I didn 't know that is rediculous . I told him that I 'd never seen him before , therefore I would need to check his id . He finally gave it to me . I poured their drinks . He asked me those usual " why isn 't this the Black Cat any more " questions . I patiently answered them . I also patiently listened to how much he hated that it 's under new ownership and how badass the place used to be when he worked there . Former employees were always the worst to deal with by far . They have a weird sense of entitlement over the place , like they own it in some sense and almost always cause large amounts of problems when they decide to visit . The woman that was with him quietly hung back as he was going off on his tngent , smiling at me apologetically . She eventually cut him off and urged him on to the back patio . By that time a few more customers had trickled in . All were regulars that I recognized , there to get a few cheap tall cans after clocking off from work . Kyle was still there hanging out . I had about 2 hours left in my shift . The uppity kid from the patio came in and ordered another round for himself and his companion . He asked me to make them " extra strong " and he 'd " tip me well " wink wink nudge nudge . I told him I pour all drinks the same . He got pissy and said that he would tip me double . I again told him that I pour all drinks the exact same . He again expresed that he wanted his drink to taste " strong " . I said I could put in less orange juice , if thats what he wanted . He agreed . I poured the drinks and he went outside . After about a half hour , the woman and the kid appeared at the counter , half - drunk drinks in hand . She starts chatting with me about the music I have playing . She is tall and blonde , in a fashionable coat and beyond pleasant . I can 't help but wonder what her relationship is to the much younger , and much shittier kid she 's hanging out with . She asks me if I wouldn 't mind putting a song on that she 's really been wanting to hear . Normally I wouldnt do something like that , but the cafe was slow and I couldnt ' think of any good reason to tell her no . I found the song and played it . It was some blues song from the 60 's . She sat and sang along , eyes closed and swaying to the beat . The kid and Kyle began chatting . We discovered that his name was Bobby , he had just moved back to portland after a brief stint in New York , and he was a homosexual . These were the three things he kept telling kyle over and over . It was also clear he was drunk . Way drunker than a cocktail and a half should make a person . Kyle has a way of engaging people , and kept trying to entice a conversation out of Bobby . He was stuck on that skipping record of the drunk where they just keep repating the same things over and over with more and more urgent tones . The blonde 's song ended . I put my playlist back on . They finished their drinks . The blonde lady began to put her coat back on and was gesturing for boby to leave with her . He started to get up out of his bar seat and then snapped to attention . " I want to hear a song now . She got to hear one , now I want one . " I asked him what he 'd like to hear . He took a long time deciding , and I just wanted him to leave . He was drunk , and getting louder and more difficult . He finally blurted out a song . I bent over the house ipad , busyng myself with try to find this song and artist I 've never heard of on yotube . As I was still searching , I heard a loud crash . I turn around and see Bobby standing up on top of the bar , staring right at me . He had chucked his empty cocktail glass at the wall of liquor bottles . Thankfully , nothing broke . Not even the empty bucket glass now spinning on the ground . The blonde and Kyle both stared at Bobby , frozen with mouths hanging open . He jumped down behind the bar with me . He swayed back and forth , looking dead in my eyes . I told him to get out from behind the counter . The blonde grabbed his arm and yanked him hard out from around the counter . She said " Bobby , I thought we were going to have a nice day together but I guess we aren 't now . That 's a shame because I was having a really nice time with these nice folks . Now we have to go because you did a bad thing . you understand ? ' Bobby looked at his feet in a moment of shame . Again she told him that they had to go . She apologized to me , and said they would be leaving . She pulled on his arm and he went completely rag doll - limp and fell to the ground . He remained lying on the floor of the cafe , spread out like a gingerbread man and refusing to get up . He then emitted a loud scream , mouth hanging wide open with eyes staring straight up at the ceiling . The customers in the cafe looked on . I told the blonde that he had to go or I 'd call the police . She got him up off the floor . I let him know he was 86 'd , and no longer allowed in this establishment . At this point he appeared to suddenly have a very difficult time walking . She had to help him to the door and they both exited and lumbered on down Alberta , arm - in - arm . Kyle and I both looked at each other in a general " what the fuck was that " kind of moment . The regulars talked amongst themselves and discussed what the hell must have been wrong with that guy . I had only seved him two drinks . Why was he so fucked up ? I could only guess one of three scenarios : a ) He was really drunk when he got there and I didn 't notice b ) He drank his friend 's drinks as well as his when I wasn 't looking c ) He was on drugs . Pobabaly all three . Bout ten minutes later , he was back . He appeared in the doorway , without his friend and swaing back and forth with that drunk - eyed expression . I want my bag . His friend had clearly ditched him . I did not blame her . He was back , looking for some mysterious bag he supposedly had when he came in there that contained his cell phone . I did not remember him having a bag when he came in . I helped him look all over the cafe and the patio . He was unable to describe to me what this bag looked like , so I had no idea what he was looking for . There was no abandoned bag . He roamed around in circles and then gradually wandered out . You 're going to have to leave . Your bag isn 't here . I didn 't even see you come in with one . You have to leave . If you come in again , I will call the police . Got it ? He swayed defiantly , looking at me for more than a few minutes . A few of the regulars got up out of their seats to back me up , in case this dude was going to try anything . He eventually turned around and left . Thirty minutes later , I was told by a customer coming in the cafe that Bobby Buckets was sleeping on the sidewalk outside of the cafe . And by sleeping , they meant passed the fuck out . Customers continued to come in , and I worked in the cafe alone leaving me unable to go and access the situation outside . Kyle went out to check it out for me . Sure enough , there he was right outside the building . He was passed out , face up and right on the sidewalk . He looked like he literally fell backwards onto the pavement , and it was under no mistake that he was fucked up . Oregon has really strict laws when it comes to booze . Much different than when I poured liquor in California . For starts , anyone serving alcohol has to take an educational course and hold a permit and register with the OLCC ( Oregon Liquor Control Commission ) . This education course includes everything from the legalities in which a bartender or establishment can be held to , how to identify and handle a visibly intoxicated person , how to check and identify fake ID cards , to the rules and regulations of personal conduct while serving alcohol to customers . The course is followed by a test , and you must pass with a certain percentage to get a license . You may not work as a bartender without one . When I started pouring booze in this state , I was told by friends that the OLCC does not fuck around . If they catch you violating any policy whatsoever , they could not only take your permit but will personally fine you . That means not only will you need to find another career , you 'd better find one quick because now you 're heading towards bankruptcy . I was new to dealing with the OLCC , and was mindful of the horror stories that people had told me . This made me very concerned that I had a guy passed out in the front of the bar I was working at . This also made me afraid to call the cops . What if they took my license for over - serving ? This was my only means for the moment . If they took my license , I could never do this type of work again and I had just started in this town . Now I know that I had nothing to be afraid of . I should have called the cops immediately . I didn 't know that then . This fear of the OLCC is the reason why everything happened the way it did . I asked Kyle to try and get him up off the ground and away from the building . I continued to help customers . After a long while , Kyle returned . He said that he was able to wake him up and offered him a ride home to his house , wherever it was . He said he refused , and ended up running off down the street . Good . Gone . Kyle and 3 regulars went out to look as I helplessly stood behind the counter serving the line of waiting customers . What the fuck was going on outside ? Literally nothing I could do . I sweated nervously , waiting for Kyle to come back in and tell me what was going on . Eventually , the group came back in . I was told the following happened : Kyle and the regulars explained to me that several times they explained to him that if he just left this area and went somewhere else , there would be no trouble and everything would be fine . He refused . He had waged war upon me and the surrounding area , as I had stolen his bag . The gang assured him that I , in fact , did not have said bag and he needed to just go away . At one point , the argument between my regular ( I 'll call " Eric " ) became heated and Bobby spit in his face . Eric clocked him , and amazingly Bobby did not go down . After that , they came in to report what had happened . Bobby remained outside , dragging the branch through the street . This is when the cops definitely should have been called . They should have been called the minute this fool took a booze - snooze on the concrete mattress . I know that now . Back then , I didn 't know that the cops side with the drinking establishments in situations such as these . I also worked for a privately - owned business . One of which where I personally knew the owners , and who were friends of mine . I didn 't want to bring any unnecessary problems , fines , or black marks onto their establishment . What if I got their liquor license taken away ? What then ? I also don 't trust cops in general , and prefer not to deal with them at all costs . Growing up in Fresno you learn that cops are not your friends , they don 't take your side , and dealing with them will almost always cost you a lot of money and even sometimes your freedom . I continued to try to control the situation . If this dude would just fucking leave , there would be no problem . Customers came in . I had to serve them . Kyle went to see what was going on now . Bobby had abandoned the branch in the middle of the road , and snapped the windshield wipers off 3 of the parked cars and was throwing them like footballs at the side of the building . I dropped what I was doing and went outside . You think if I had your bag , I wouldn 't just fucking give it to you so you 'd leave ? I don 't have it . It 's not here . You left it somewhere else . You need to leave . I 'm going to call the cops . You will be arrested . You don 't want to go to jail . All you have to do is leave . Buy a new one . You 've vandalized property . At this point , a phone will cost far less than what you 'll be facing . Just leave . Do it . I 'm giving you a chance of a lifetime . By this point the cafe regulars had come to join me outside . They told him to go as well . He still stood there , defiant . He started arguing Eric again . It looked like it was going to turn into a brawl . What happened next occurred so quickly , it 's almost hard to describe . Bobby ran from the side of the building to the front , which is on a very busy street lined with popular shops and restaurants . We have a very heavy , blackboard sandwich sign that sits on the sidewalk . Somehow , this scrawny kid picked it up and flung it in a huge arc right into the street . A speeding sedan plied the brakes , laying smoking rubber to a keep it from coming down on their hood and windshield . The car behind it had to swerve into the oncoming lane to avoid the suddenly stopped car . Miraculously , no one was hurt . Everyone stood , stunned . I needed to get to a phone and call the cops . I drug the sign out of the road so the cars would stop piling up . I ran inside to get my cell phone . We had a house phone , but it was an ancient piece of shit that barely worked and you couldn 't hear much more than static out of . Plus , my phone was closer . I ran around the bar and snatched it up . Incredulously , two customers were queued up at the register waiting to be served . As I ran behind the bar , they tried to shout their order at me . I ignored them , and ran outside . One of my regulars was already on his cell with the cops . I called one of my owners . Bobby was screaming and yelling , flailing his arms and legs around like he was having a mental break in front of the store . My owner picked up . I shouted into the phone as best I could over the phone what was happening over the chaos . He said he was coming . Bobby stopped flailing and suddenly darted in full sprint into the store . I pushed everyone out of the way and followed him in . He 'd sprinted to the back patio . I grabbed the first weapon - like object I could find : a broom . I chased him in a circle off the patio and back into the store . He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and faced me . Eric was next to me . He reached over and grabbed a bottle of French 's yellow mustard from the nearby counter . I knew what was going to happen . I yelled no and threw my hand up in defense . Eric did not foresee , unfortunately . Bobby began squirting the mustard . First , all over Eric . In his face , his hair . Eric fell away , trying to wipe mustard out of his eyes . Bobby then began squirting the windows , the walls , the floor … . I ran at him to get it away from him . He emptied the rest of the bottle down onto my face and hair , then chucked the it down as hard and fast as he could onto my cheekbone and nose . My eyes instantly watered up and I couldn 't see . I staggered , trying to recover . By the time I could see again , the cops were there and arresting him . I wiped off my face with a bar towel and went outside . The minute the cops touched him , bobby began to scream and wail at the top of his lungs . He didn 't stop . To say it was a spectacle would be an understatement . By this time , everyone from those stores and restaurants had come out and were lining the street to watch the show . Two cops and an OLCC representative wanted to interview me . I was completely freaked out . They asked me what happened . I told them everything from the moment he first walked in . They asked me several times how many drinks I served him . I told them , and also mentioned that he had paid with a debit card , and could show them the receipt as proof that he was only served two drinks . They asked to see it as well as my ID and liquor license . I took them inside and provided it for them . They looked at those as well as the mustard mess all over the inside of the building . My hair was matted against the side of my cheek , coated and reeking of mustard . I wanted to puke . Bobby was still screaming outside , bent over the cop car hood with his hands handcuffed behind his back . They took my information and thanked me for calling them . That was it . I stood outside and watched as bobby decided to put a nail in his coffin by suddenly spazzing out and resisting arrest as the cops tried to guide him into the cop car . The largest , most terrifying wall of a man eased himself out of one of the back up cars and slowly walked over to Bobby that was flailing like a fish . With one beefy arm , he drug bobby up like a rag doll and popped him in the car . Bobby fell in silent amazement as the car door slammed . He began beating his head on the window in a rhythmic pattern . His current charges now included vandalism , assault ( because of the spitting ) , public intoxication , trespassing ( as I was later to find out , he had along ago been 86 'd from this establishment ) as well as resisting arrest . All he had to do was walk away . Hell , Kyle even offered to give him a ride home . You want to feel sorry for someone like that . Someone with a clear problem with either substace abuse , mental illnss or perhaps both . You want to , but you just cant . I had given him so many chances to avoid this outcome . The cops drove off . The owner showed up as I was mopping the mustard off of the windows . Eric was in the bathroom rinsing his hair and beard in the sink . I started to try and tell him what happened . It turns out bobby is a notorious character in these parts , and had been 86 'd at most establishments for similar erratic behavior . Apparently , he 's a deeply disturbed individual with a drug habit . That may be why he was so reluctant to take off without his bag that day . I also found out his nickname : Bobby Buckets . That wasn 't his real name , but what everyone called him . Not sure why . No one could say . At the Black Cat alone , he was 86 'd previously for spazzing out , becoming violent , stealing , etc . Also , bizarre behavior such as pulling the bus tub down off of the counter and squatting in it while meowing like a cat . I felt like such a jackass for not just calling the cops when shit started to go south that day . Valuable lesson learned . The cops and the OLCC came by two more times to interview me after the incident . They informed me that all charges were going to be pressed that were up against him . All of the people who 's wipers got snapped off of their cars were suing for property damage . My owner chose not to press any charges , as well as myself . Eric declined to press assault charges , as he had pending warrants and didn 't want anything to do with talking to the cops . Kyle and I were both subpoenaed to testify in court . No one took a video of anything that happened . It all happened so fast and everything was so dramatic , I suppose no one thought to . I know I didn 't . No record of anything that happened … . save one pic . Kyle got one glorious pic of bobby passed out on the sidewalk . The day after it all happened , he posted this to my Facebook wall : Shit people like the best Adventures at the Crackerbox Tavern . Knives and Hookers on a Saturday . Keepin ' it Weird How I Broke My Ribs With a Can of Soup . Blogroll |
I left home in Anaheim California to catch the 3 : 28 Amtrak Pacific Surfliner to Los Angeles where I dropped off my luggage in the baggage check at Union Station . A rather odd little man with a beard who worked at the counter took my bags and gave me a claim check . The real part of my trip doesn 't start until 10 : 30 tonight when I leave on the Sunset Limited to New Orleans . From there I will take the Crescent to Washington DC and ride the new Acela train to Boston which is the primary reason for this trip . But I 'm much to excited to wait until 10 : 30 tonight so I found something to do early to kill some time and put me in a travel mode . I decided to check out the new part of the Redline subway in Los Angeles and take it to Universal Studios City Walk to perhaps check out a movie . I ate dinner at Tony Roma 's and saw the movie " 15 Minutes . " I left the movie a half hour before it ended , ( it wasn 't that good , ) and caught the Redline back to Union Station . Good thing I did , I had to wait nearly 40 minutes for a subway train to get the Universal stop . While waiting an announcement came over the loud speaker that there was some police activity at the Hollywood / Highland station and that it was closed . That stop was only one stop before this one and might have been what the delay was . The train finally came and as we passed the Hollywood / Highland station I could not see any police or odd activity . I guess they had taken care of the problem , what ever it was . I arrived back at Union Station with no hitches and went to pick up my luggage . I stood at the window and rang the bell and no one answered . The sign on the window said " Gone , Back In 10 Minutes . " A few minutes later the odd little man from earlier arrived at the door and said , " Step inside please . " He was very nice but seamed to be just a little strange to be running this large luggage room . " I need to see your claim check , " he said , I gave him the claim check and he got my luggage . 10 : 00PM An announcement echoed through the entire station for all the " First Class " passengers to line up at the door marked C . The line at the door marked G was already quite long as it usually is , that is the line for the coach passengers . They are all aiming to get a good seat usually by the window . That 's one reason I like to ride first class , it 's not quite the cattle call that it is when riding coach . I have been in that line a few times and am always in a hurry to get on the train . The station attendant at the head of our line told us to follow him and he would direct us to our train . As we went down the tunnel he made it very clear that train 22 ( The Texas Eagle ) were to turn right and train 2 ( The Sunset Limited ) were to turn left . Our car 2231 was all the way to the front of the train . We all arrived there first but there was no attendant there to let us on . There were about 20 of us waiting , had I been first in line I would have gone right on board . After about 20 minutes and all the other people were loaded on the train ( even the coach passengers , ) our attendant Lloyd Berry finally arrived . He said that he was sorry for the delay but never gave a reason why he made us all wait . The minute I got on board I went to sleep and pretty much slept soundly the whole night to the sound of the train in motion . I woke up to a beautiful sunrise and I could see the outline of the mountains in the distance . From the looks of it we were somewhere between Phoenix and Tucson . I headed to the dinning car for breakfast hoping it would not be full . From my experiences in the past on The Sunset Limited breakfast fills up quit fast . Much to my surprise there was only one other person seated . I thought they were going to seat me with him but for the first time on my travels with Amtrak ( about 9 years , ) I got to sit at a table by myself . Not having to make idle chatter with total strangers while eating made it a great breakfast . ( Although in the past when traveling with friends or family I have sat exclusively with my own party . ) I ordered hot cakes and one egg with hot fresh coffee , which was hot and delicious . 10 : 00AM We are running about an hour behind schedule and arrived into Tucson about 10 : 00 . It was a smoking stop and the first opportunity we had to get off the train and stretch a bit . Just about everyone on the train de - boarded . We also had a lot of new passengers get on . While waiting I always stand way back from all the smokers because it 's very irritating to me to get the smell and smoke in my eyes it really burns them . It seems that most of the conductors and attendants smoke , maybe it is a requirement for becoming an Amtrak attendant . I went inside the Tucson station to check it out especially since I had never been here before that I remember . It was a rather small and dreary looking station maybe it 's on the list of the ones they are going to re - furbish . We left the station about 10 : 25 and then stopped again a mile or so out in the train yard . We had to wait for one of those ever so popular freight trains to clear the yard it took about another 30 minutes . Between Tucson and Benson Arizona was some of the most beautiful scenery I have seen in a while . Because of the recent rains the desert landscape was green and spotted with patches of yellow flowers and plenty of pale green cactus . There were even streams below the tracks that were flowing with water , I guess from the snow melting in the mountains nearby . It looks like it would be a nice place to pitch a tent and go camping or just stop and wade in the stream . My sleeping car was one of the oldest in the Superliner fleet I think they call it a Superliner I . On the outside of the car you could see patches of the old large red and blue stripped paint - job , some of Amtrak 's first cars . The inside was decorated in that burnt orange upholstery and bright red vinyl head cushions . It was number 32020 and it had no name on it like the new ones do . They are usually names of the states the one connected to mine was the Oregon and had the nice blue interior . I went up to the sightseer lounge car to wait for the first call to lunch . It was a sold out train and I new if I didn 't make the first calling it might be a while before I ate . As I sat there I noticed a few people walking inside the diner and asking to be seated . For any seasoned Amtrak traveler we know that is a big " no no " and a good way to get scolded . Two or three people did it not knowing of this and came out looking a little perturbed . I learned my lesson many years ago , NEVER ASK TO BE SEATED BEFORE THEY MAKE THE CALL . They finally called for lunch at 12 : 15 and it seemed there was a made rush for the diner just like I thought . I made it in and sat with a mom and her son approximately 12 years old traveling together and another lady travelling by herself who didn 't give many details about herself . Both parties were from Texas and just travelling a short distance on the Sunset Limited . The three adults had the Ruben sandwich with chips and the kid ate a plain hamburger dry with nothing on it . He didn 't even eat his chips , I 've never known a kid who did not like potato chips . We were seated and served first but were the last to leave the diner . For some reason the main dinning room attendant would not pick up the money from the two parties eating with me . Since I am in a sleeping car I do not have to pay so I could have left but I did not want to be rude and leave the others by themselves . They were quite upset and they couldn 't just leave because they were paying by credit card . The funny thing was that there was already a long list of people who were waiting to be seated . We felt bad for those waiting since we were just sitting there chatting . I ordered a piece of German chocolate cake to take back to my room Amtrak is known for having great pastries , which are my weakness . Stopped in Lordsburg for another smoke break , it was very cold and quite windy , I was glad because at least it blew the smoke smell away . The way they ( Amtrak ) stop in Lordsburg is rather odd . First they pickup the new passengers at the station and then they go about 2 football field lengths and stop again . I guess this is so they don 't block the traffic on the city streets there and that big city of Lordsburg New Mexico . 5 : 00PM I was very much looking forward to seeing the newly refurbished El Paso station it was on my list of things to see along the way . I have fond memories of the town of El Paso since I had lived there some twenty years ago and now call it one of my favorite cities . As a young person I used to sit on my driveway and watch the trains over on the ridge as they would come and go . At that time I thought the trains were in Mexico because they were on the other side of the Rio Grande but I found out later that they were actually on the US side . I had made a diner reservation at 5 : 00 and soon after they announced that there were no more diner reservations left for dinner . Wouldn 't you know , that right as we pulled into the El Paso train station I got called to go to dinner . I found myself debating in my mind whether I should go to dinner or visit the station , but my stomach gave in and I went to dinner . Maybe I am not a real train buff after all , I think most of them would have forsaken dinner to check out the station . I ordered the vegetarian lasagna , which was great and comes highly recommended in many other rail travelogues . I sat with 3 individuals all from the coach cars , an older grandmother type , a middle - aged woman who did most of the talking , and a college age kid who was a tour guide in Alaska . He gave a lot of pointers on what to see when touring Alaska . We all ate desert and went our separate ways on the train . I woke up to the sound of silence on the train , there was no movement at all and it was totally still . It 's pretty normal aboard trains you get so accustom to the movement and the sounds of the train that when it goes away it is very noticeable . I looked out the large picture window and saw that we were in San Antonio Texas . The passenger platform was completely calm and vacant of people not even the attendants who usually stand outside their cars where there . I could faintly see a clock on the far wall inside the Spanish Mission style station that read 7 : 00 . How could that be I said to myself , we were supposed to be in San Antonio at 4 : 00AM so we must have lost another hour overnight . I turned on my cell phone to see exactly what time it was just to make sure I was not seeing things . I was so groggy from such a good night sleep that I couldn 't figure out how to make the phone display the time as I had done numerous times the day before . A few minutes later the train left the station and I verified with my attendant what time it was . Apparently we had some delays just west of San Antonio pushing us even further behind schedule . I went to breakfast and ate with a couple from Pensacola Florida . They had traveled to El Paso Texas where they had rented a car and did some sightseeing there in the southwest . They saw Carlsbad Caverns , the Grand Canyon and where very excited about their trip until they got on board the Eastbound Sunset Limited for their trip home . Apparently their coach car was full of spring break teenagers that kept them awake all night . Why can 't Amtrak keep teens separate from all the regular folks ? They complained all through breakfast as I ate my omelet while nodding in agreement . After breakfast I headed for the shower . There 's nothing like a hot shower on board a fast moving train . I hunted for the towels but could not find them . Some Amtrak attendants keep them in the shower rooms and other keep them in their locked quarters however this time I could not find them anywhere . Usually when you 're first board a sleeping car most attendants introduce themselves and explain those kind little details about the train , but Lloyd never did . Maybe he did to others and since I seem kind of independent he just by - passed me thinking that I knew my way around . I rang the bell to call Lloyd but he never showed up so I managed to catch one of the conductors passing through and he found a clean fresh towel for me . The shower was both hot and invigorating as it pummeled my body . On most of the other Amtrak trips I 've taken the shower automatically turns off after a minute or so and you have to keep turning it on . But this one stayed on , so it was very much like taking a shower at home except for the bumps and rocking motion of the train . I got off the train in Houston , which was a very small station located underneath one of the busy freeways downtown . There was a lot of activity on the platform as many people were de - boarding there and meeting family members . I went inside to find some Amtrak souvenirs , much to my surprise they had some and I bought a Sunset Limited mug that I didn 't even know existed . There were two of them in the display case , a blue one and a black one . I asked the clerk for a black one but he told me they were out of the black unless I wanted to buy the display one . He reached under the counter and found a brand new black one and that 's what I bought . For the first time ever I decided to have lunch in my room rather than sit in the diner . I asked Lloyd while on the platform in Houston if he would get me lunch at the first call . He hesitated a little bit saying something about being busy at the time and I said that it was fine and that I was not in a hurry . About an hour later he came to my room and asked me what I wanted . I ordered the Ruben since it was so good yesterday . No idle chatter for me today at lunch , which is what I prefer . I have heard several comments and have noticed myself how bad the track is here between Houston and New Orleans . Another observation is that we seemed to follow a local road or roads through this whole stretch into New Orleans . Because of this the engineer must blow his horn at every over - crossing which got a little annoying even though I love to hear the train whistle in the background . Since my sleeping car is the second one from the front the sound is very loud . Even so , it didn 't seem to bother the hour and a half nap that I took this afternoon . We are still two hours behind schedule . I had a rather interesting dinner with a man in his 60s who was very well read and new everything about books and the poetry culture . He was on his way to visit his son in New York . Since I am , for the most part , a listener and he seemed to be a talker we made a good combination . Over a catfish dinner I listened to his stories about how he had been homeless in New York for a while and actually lived in the train tunnels under Manhattan . He told stories of being in Paris and living with a woman who always started a sentence but would not finish it . I told him I knew a guy at my work who always finished the other persons sentences and that we should get the two together to have a conversation . We both laughed at that thought . It was a pleasant dinner even though I ate way too much and am stuffed . I will have to do some walking in New Orleans tonight to work off some of this food . That 's one thing about Amtrak , like a cruise , they feed you way too much good food . We got into New Orleans about 3 hours late it was about 10 : 00PM . I had heard horror stories about trying to catch a cab when arriving into New Orleans so I bolted off the train to try to be first in line to catch a taxi to my hotel downtown . I guess everyone else knew of the same taxi problem because everyone on the train was also standing out front hailing the next cab . I was very aggressive and managed to get lucky and finally got a cab even before those who had been waiting longer . When there is a crowd like that you don 't know who is waiting for a cab and who is waiting for friends or a hotel shuttle . My guess is that most of these were people waiting for taxis . When I got in my cab I noticed a lady on crutches talking to my driver . All the sudden I felt really bad and sunk into my seat . Had I stolen a lady with crutches taxi - cab ? She opened the front door and stuck her head inside and asked if I minded that we share a cab to downtown . Of course I did not mind since I kind of thought I stole it anyway . At the point I would have just given it to here hadDay Four I caught a cab to the station at about 5 : 30AM . It 's a short cab ride but I always leave a lot of time when catching a train or any method of transportation for that matter . You never know what can happen on the way to the station and I hate to be late or even miss my train . Some people wait till the last minute and always have to do a bunch of rushing around at the very end . The station was for the most part empty with just a few people sitting here and there . I went over to the First Class lounge to sit and wait but it was closed . Good thing I decided to get a hotel , at one time I pondered staying in the station overnight and roughing it . I thought I could have stayed in the First Class lounge but I guess not . One thing I noticed right off was that in New Orleans they allow smoking inside the train station . I guess I 'm spoiled living in California where a smoker can 't smoke anywhere inside public places . So now when I travel outside of California I notice the smoke smell much more . I don 't mean to be picking on smokers in this travelogue but it is very important to me . I am being very mild now but I really complain about smokers in some of my European travelogues were you can 't breath at all . 6 : 45AM They started loading the First Class passengers for the Northbound Crescent , that 's me . My car 2010 was way at the end and quite a walk but remember I needed the walk from dinner last night . I got on board and was greeted by an attendant named CJ . He was great and I could tell right away that he cared about his job and the comfort of the passengers in his car . He told me exactly where my room was and had a very friendly attitude . As soon as the train left the station they announced that breakfast was now serving in the dinning car . Because I 'm just like my father and both of my grandfathers , we like to get the eating out of the way and make sure it 's right on time . The diner car on The Crescent was old and dismal in appearance and like it was from the early fifties in fact it was from the early fifties . The servers looked like they worked in the haunted house at Disneyland . One of them reminded me of Lurch from the Addams Family . They were dressed in what looked like dark green tuxes with tails , ( minus the cumber - buns ) and acted very rigid and formal , unlike the Sunset Limited where the were very bouncy and even a bit cheery . Once again I think I am spoiled from riding the Coast Starlight so much in California . The staff there is required to be friendly and make service to the customer the number one priority . I ordered the Western Omelet and hash - browned potatoes with kind of a Cajon flavoring , Amtrak likes to make its food regional . The potatoes were very cold but I don 't like to complain so I ate them and enjoyed the rest of my breakfast . I sat with a man who is also in the computer industry so we talked about trains and computers over breakfast . Later he offered to show me his Global Positioning Satellite ( GPS ) software installed on his laptop . It will let you know were you are in the United States , in case you get lost . The reason we got talking about GPS was that I was a bit confused about the direction we were going and the sun was not out to use as a guide . Being disoriented was a bit odd for me since I have a natural sense of direction . When I got back from breakfast , CJ my attendant who has been right on the ball , had placed a newspaper in my room . I love to read the paper after breakfast with my morning coffee . As I glanced at the front page a shrill went down my spine as I noticed the picture of an Amtrak train sprawled all over the countryside on a broken up railroad track . After reading carefully 1 person died and about 90 others were injured on the California Zepher a train I have taken many times though never Westbound . I asked CJ if he knew anyone on board the train and he said he was not sure but he does have a friend on that run . I noticed he played the accident down and was very low key and seemingly sad . I wonder if Amtrak tells their employees to not comment on wrecks when they happen ? While on a trip a few years ago , the California Zepher in fact , headed for Chicago there had been a derailment on the City Of New Orleans , which goes back and forth from Chicago to New Orleans . Apparently the accident site had been all over the news and in the papers . Out of concern friends and family members calling me at my relatives houses where I was scheduled to stop , making sure it was not the train I was on . They never know where I 'm going to be on one of my crazy trips . I do know one thing I would rather be on a train and have a wreck then be on a plane and be in a wreck ! My Viewliner room was orderly , clean and comfortable although it did show signs of wear and tear for only being a few years old . Some of the paint was starting to come off where people prop their feet while sitting just like I was . The room was decorated with blues , grays , and have kind of a mauve color to its fixtures and hardware . It contains a toilet and sink that fold up into the wall . You would never know they were there if you did not look for them . I remember the old roomettes in the cars before these new Viewliners , you could hear the sound of the track and rushing wind through the toilet , even with the seat down . These new cars are much more soundproof and quiet . Like the Superliner bedrooms the Viewliner rooms have two comfortable armchairs facing each other with a fold out table in the middle just perfect for a laptop . One unique feature in the design is that no matter where you are in the room there are controls for your comfort . The lights , the entertainment , the environmental controls are all at your fingertips . And yes the temperature controls actually work keeping your room comfortable for you . The countryside is beautiful through this part of the country , plenty of swamps , brooks , meadows , forests and open fields . People who say we are running out of countryside and only have urban sprawl , must not travel very much . It seems that 90 % of the country is open wilderness , farmlands and the rest cities . When you travel by train , " fly over country " becomes " travel through country " and you sure do see plenty of it and appreciate it all the more . I noticed the further north we go the less green things become and winter is still very much alive . The trees are still gray and the leaves from autumn are still on the ground . The rest of the day I spent writing and watching the scenery go by from my room . I didn 't even go to the diner for my evening meal , CJ was more then happy to bring it to my room . I had a rib eye steak that was the best steak I have ever eaten . I 'm not kidding when I say that . After he brought the meal I noticed he hesitated a little bit as if he wanted the tip right then . I always thought you were supposed to tip the attendant when you got off the train , which I will . Since then he has not treated me any different so he must be hoping I don 't forget him in DC tomorrow . I watched a DVD called The Green Mile last night , it was a great movie although very long . That 's one thing I love about my Gateway laptop having the ability to watch movies right in my own room or coach seat . I only do this at night when there is nothing to see outside otherwise it would kind of defeat the purpose of traveling by train . After the movie I decided to try to sleep in the upper bunk for a change since I usually sleep in the lower bunk . It was a big mistake . I am sure it is fine for you little people but I am 6 ' 5 at 300lbs and there is just not enough room up there to be comfortable . There was no place to put my arms and they kept falling off the bunk . There was also the faint sound of a radio or some kind or singing coming out of one of the speakers right near my ears . No matter what button I hit I could not turn off this sound . I tossed and turned for about two hours thinking I could find the perfect position but eventually gave up and moved back downstairs where I belonged . Once I got comfortable downstairs I couldn 't get the upper bunk to stop rattling and so I became very angry but had know one to express it to since the whole train was asleep . I finally put my backpack up on the bunk , which stopped the rattling and then I went fast to sleep . Day 5 I woke up late and wondered if we had made up any time . We had not and in fact had lost another half hour in the middle of the night somewhere in North Carolina . The ETA to Washington DC was just before 10 : 00AM . After still being a little annoyed about last night 's sleeping fiasco I did not want to have breakfast with anyone else so I went to the snack bar and got an egg Mc Muffin and an apple Danish which I brought it back to my room . I read the paper and prepared to detrain in DC . The train arrived in DC about 9 : 45 just as CJ said it would . As we were pulling into the station he popped his head into my room and asked me if I needed help getting my luggage out the door . Since I travel very light I did not need help with my backpack and rolling suitcase . On my way out the door I handed CJ a twenty dollar bill for his extra special service on board The Crescent . His great service made up for my less then restful night tossing and turning in my bunk . Upon arrival inside the station the first thing on my agenda since I had time to kill before the hotel would let me check - in was to finally check out Union Station . I had always heard such great things about it and wanted to see for myself if they were true . It was grand indeed ! The main hall was at least 5 stories tall with giant archways above each doorway . The ceiling had some sort of tile or mosaic design with intricate detail but it was too high to see exactly what it was . The lower floor was a large food court much like you 'd see in a mall only much larger . The middle level was the main floor with all kind of shops and the Amtrak ticket area . And the upper level had yet more shops and interesting places to browse . I needed to catch a cab to my hotel but noticed the line for people waiting to get taxis was quite long . It was cold outside where the line was so I decided to do some more looking around before catching a cab and having to wait in that long line . At about 10 : 30 the line subsided and I caught a taxi to my hotel Howard Johnson on New York Avenue NE , the cab fare was $ 5 . 50 . An Indian man checked me in but warned me that they usually don 't check people in this early because others have not checked out yet . I knew it was risky getting there that early but was hoping for the best and got lucky . Plus I really wanted to take a shower and change before doing some sightseeing around Washington DC . The room was a little better than the Days Inn in New Orleans and the bed was much bigger , I wish I had it last night on board The Crescent Train . The only problem I could see was the door to the bathroom would not stay closed and kept banging into the vanity but everything else seemed to be in order . I got cleaned up and took a cab back to Union Station where I thought would be a good place to use as base camp . My hotel was a bit far to be coming and going a lot . This time the cab fare was $ 6 . 50 , I 'll write more about that in a moment . I ate lunch in the giant food court and took a tour of all of Washington DCs sights on one of those tour trams . The ticket for the tour cost $ 22 . 00 . I got off the tram at the Air and Space museum because I had not been there for many years . Much of it was under construction and they are opening a few new exhibits so there wasn 't much new to see . I got back on the tour tram and took it around to the rest of the sights . It was getting late so I went back to the room and the cab fare was $ 7 . 50 . I asked the cabby why they did not have meters in the cabs in Washington DC and the driver told me it was because they were on a zone system and he showed me a chart . He told me it was a dollar more this time because it was rush hour . I didn 't bother telling him I had already been charged 2 different rates . I had a great night sleep and slept for 8 hours feeling very rested when I woke up . I called the front desk to have them call a cab for me but there was no answer . I took a shower and went to check out but the man at the front desk was sound asleep , I guess that 's why he didn 't answer the phone when I called . In the background the TV was on playing Porno videos , which I guess he had been watching before he dozed off . I yelled and he did not hear me so I banged on the thick bulletproof glass with my key to wake him up and that seemed to do the trick . He was rather startled and disoriented at first but then very helpful . After I checked out I asked him to call be a cab and the dispatcher told him it would be 10 minutes before a cab would be there . A half an hour later the cab had still not shown up so I went back to the front desk to ask him to call again . Unfortunately he was asleep again so I banged on the glass , woke him up and asked him to call again . After he hung up the phone he told me that the taxi dispatcher said I would be better off standing on the highway and trying to hail a cab that way . But I told him that it was pouring down rain and very windy and I was not going to do that in the middle of the night in Washington DC . So I continued to wait in the lobby with the sleepy hotel clerk . The cab finally showed up 45 minutes later and the first thing he asked me was , what my name was . He seemed very friendly but said he could not pick me up if my name did not match the person who called in the order . I told him my name was Jack and he said that name did not match the name of the person who called the request in . I told him that 's because the other name was the clerk in the hotel . And I really did not want to go through the process of waking the clerk up again and I convinced the cabby to pick me up anyway . He then told me that he had been robbed last week in a similar situation and that it is a known scheme bandits use to rob taxi drivers . He just wanted to make sure I was not going to rob him he told me . The Acela Train I was very excited as I boarded the slick new Acela train . The outside of the train set was blue and white with the Acela logo on the side . The design of the train looked very much like the TGV trains in France and it gave me that same feeling as I boarded , the feeling of sitting back and enjoying yourself . Inside everything was new and had the smell of a brand new car . The seating arrangement and the seats looked very much like the new Pacific Surfliner trains running on the west coast . The interior colors were blue , gray , and purple . The carpet was a blue nylon weave with red floor lights running down the middle isle . As you walked from car to car the door automatically opened . No more hitting the button to make the doors open , which can be awkward with hot coffee and a sandwich in your hand . I was the only tourist on board , the rest were business people traveling to important meetings in Philadelphia and New York . One group of men were actually having a business meeting right on board at a set of seats facing each other . It looked like it could have been an Acela TV commercial . One of the men in a few seats in front of me commented as to how cold it seemed to be on board . He took out his coat from the rack above and put it over him as a blanket . I had to move to an isle seat because sitting by the window was so cold due to the breeze . As I went up to the Bistro car to get some coffee I mentioned to the conductor that it was freezing in our car and he said that he was just back there and did not notice it but would check for me . A few minutes later one of the engineers came to my seat and said that the computer said it was the right temperature , 70 degrees . He said there was nothing he could do about it and that it was Amtrak policy to keep it that temperature . Later as the sun rose and the car filled with more passengers it did warm up . When I went to the Bistro car I took my Amtrak cup with me to get my free cup of coffee . I was told when I bought it that hot drinks were free on any Amtrak train as long as I I arrived into Boston and walked to my hotel The Omni Parker House it was about a half a mile . The streets of Boston were very much alive and well with lots of people and activities . There were vendors selling roasted nuts , street dancers , beggars , hot dog stands , and plenty of common folk and business people going every which way . It was cold and windy but I made it to my hotel and checked in . The Omni Parker House is a very historic hotel it was Charles Dickens favorite hotel when he would come to the US and give his lectures . He spent many months actually living at the Parker House . There is a mirror in the lobby that was once in the room of Charles Dickens so when you 're looking into it you are looking at the exact mirror he looked at . The hotel is also said to be haunted , but when I was there I saw no evidence of this although I do confess I looked for floating candelabras and ghostly figures . My room was small but charming . In fact when I checked in they tried to upgrade me and told me that the rooms they sell on the Internet are all those really small sizes . He said that if I paid $ 30 more I could upgrade to a normal size room . I went and saw the room first and decided to stay in that room , it seamed plenty big enough for just sleeping . Their bait and switch didn 't work with me and I wasn 't offended at the offer to upgrade and they did not twist my arm . Later I took a tour around the city of Boston it included ; The City Hall , Cambridge University , China Town , The Boston Tea Party Ship , The Old North Church / Paul Revere House , and The USS Constitution , it was quite a full day . That night I enjoyed a first class dinner at The Parker House dinning room and indulged in prime rib , mashed potatoes , vegetables and Parker House Rolls . For dessert I had Boston Cream pie which is said to have been invented exclusively there at the Parker House . It was very different than the Boson Cream pie I have always been accustomed to . It was a little round cake almost like a Ding Dong coated with nuts and creamy white frosting . It was very good but I like it better the traditional way . I woke up and had breakfast at the hotel . The all you can eat breakfast bar was $ 13 . 95 but I did not want to pay , or eat that much food so I ordered blueberry pancakes , a croissant , orange juice , and coffee and paid $ 18 . 50 . I should have got the breakfast bar and just not have eaten as much , so much for trying to save money . I headed for the South Station to catch Amtrak 's Lakeshore Limited and start my journey home . It was pouring down rain and as windy as could be . I did not want to take a cab and I kept reminding myself " It 's The Journey That 's The Adventure Not The Destination , " well this leg of my journey turned out to be a cold and miserable . I spent some time in the hotel lobby battening down the hatches ( so to speak ) and making my suitcase somewhat waterproof . I got out my umbrella and started my trek to the station . It was the kind of rainy day that blows your umbrella inside out every few minutes so I had to keep ducking into office building along the way to straighten it out . As I crossed the crosswalks it was very difficult to watch the traffic , avoid the big puddles , and keep my umbrella straight all at the same time but somehow I managed and make it safely to the station . Just inside the station there was a homeless youth who had collected broken umbrellas from the streets and was actually mending them right there on one of the radiators where it was warm . I stood there a moment and watched him while I got warm . I think he was planning on selling them when he was done fixing them . I thought that to be very industrious , maybe he 'll be a millionaire some day . I finally dried off from my brisk walk to the station in the pouring down rain . Every trip I go on I always bring an umbrella thinking that it might rain . This is the first time I have had to use it and boy was I glad I brought it . I was just a little bit nervous about this leg of my journey primarily because I was going to be riding in coach class . I 'm very particular about where I sit and who sits next to me . I had horrible thoughts about someone sitting next to me who really needed a shower . I was also hoping that a mother traveling with two screaming infants would not sit right behind me and cry the whole way . I got lucky and neither of these thoughts came true all that worry for nothing . They announced that The Lakeshore Limited was now boarding at gate 10 . I had a head start since I watched them rolling the handicapped people to board early , this is usually a good indicator that they will be boarding soon . I was first on in my coach and felt very comfortable . This portion of the Lakeshore Limited ( from Boston to Albany New York ) was very small consisting of two coach cars , one Viewliner sleeping car , and a Cafe car . The rest of the train from New York would be meeting up with us in Albany to make one big train that included a dining car . The track between Springfield Massachusetts and Albany was very bumpy in fact it felt like there was no track at all just railroad ties . We arrived into Albany on time and had to wait for the other half of the train coming from New York City and then wait for them to marry the two trains . All went smooth until we left the station and had to wait for over an hour for some reason . If I would have had my scanner I would know some of these details , but a laptop and two suitcases is enough to worry about when you 're on vacation . While we were waiting to leave I decided to go up to the lounge car and get some dinner to bring back to my seat . On the way there I got stuck between two cars by a jammed door , with a lady and her son . We waited for about 20 minutes for someone to come The sandwich was good and after eating I watched a movie called The Wonder Boys about a frustrated writer and his life with some of his students . It was very good and I recommend it to those who have an interest in writing . Day 8 I woke up refreshed and very rested . I was rather surprised I felt so good after sleeping in coach all night and not really having a bed to stretch out in . As long as there is know one sitting next to you and no crying babies you can sleep quite well . My only problem was that it was quite warm in the coach and there is no thermostat to set , the heat is either on or off . I went to the Cafe car to get some breakfast . Ron said " We not open yet , you gotta wait . " " Last night they said you would be open at 6 : 00AM , " I told him . He replied yelling " WE ARE NOT OPEN YET SIR ! " So I sat in the lounge car and waited for him to open . It was difficult for me to sit in there because of the heavy smoke rolling through the car but I was really hungry because of my light dinner last night . Eventually there were about 10 of us waiting to get food and after a half hour of him preparing he said we could all get in line . I let a little old lady go in front of me since it looked like she was there first . She ordered yogurt and coffee , when she got her yogurt she asked Ron if she could have a colder one because it was very warm . Just like me with the milk last night and it was out of the same refrigerator ( I guess it was broken . ) Ron simply stated " That 's all we got . " I don 't mean to be picking on Ron but it seemed like he really hated his job and did not want to be there at all . He kind of had an attitude like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld . You had to order things " his way " or he did not want to cooperate at all with the customers , ( " No Food For You . ) Why does Amtrak put people who are not customer friendly in positions like that ? It seems there would be a lot of other jobs at Amtrak someone like Ron could do rather than being on the front line with the customers . And the broken refrigerator , what will it take for them to fix it someone getting sick ? In the case of the snack bar not being open yet , why couldn 't he just say , I 'm sorry sir I slept - in and am running a minute behind could you give me a minute to finish preparing ? I am a big defSo far my experience on the Lakeshore Limited has been a positive one and we are right on time . I love watching the rolling wheat and cornfields of Ohio and Indiana they remind me of when I was a kid living in the mid - west . I think my attendants name was Frank , he was the kind you did not see very much of in my coach . Maybe there is not much to do in a coach car rather than a sleeping car . I did notice he let one of the girls in the seat in front of mine use the shower in the Viewliner right behind ours . When he did happen by our coach he would flirt with her and once even sat with her for an hour or so . I got off the train in Toledo Ohio to inspect the station and look for Amtrak souvenirs , well was I in for a surprise . In a display case near the front counter in the station was a bunch of unique Amtrak stuff that I 've never seen before . I bought about $ 40 worth of mugs and other neat stuff that you can 't find anywhere . People at work always complement the " Coast Starlight " mug I use to drink coffee at the office . I always tell them you can only get them on certain trains around the country , which is true but now I found a place to buy them directly . I bought a couple of mugs for people at work who like my coffee mugs . We arrived into Chicago right on time . It was a beautiful sunny day there with what looked like a breezy day judging from the way the flags were waving . I have seen everything there is to see in Chicago on other trips but I might take a walk around the city just for something to do during my 4 hour layover . I went to lunch at a great barbecue rib sandwich place there inside the station . It was very busy mainly because it was lunchtime and many people from the office buildings nearby come to the train station food court to eat lunch . I waited about 5 minutes in line and got my sandwich almost right away . Searching for a seat was a different story , I walked around the seating area with my tray for quite a while and eventually found a seat on the other side of . Nearby at a bakery were some great looking brownies sitting in the window . I asked the person at the counter if they were chewy brownies or more dry and flaky brownies because I hate dry flaky brownies . She did not understand English at all and had never heard of brownies being chewy . I tried to explain to her how a chewy and fresh baked chocolate chip cookie tasted to compare that with a brownie but I was only digging myself in deeper with her and leaving her more confused . I went up into the city to have a look around but as soon as the wind hit me I knew it was a mistake . They don 't call Chicago the windy city for nothing . I went right back down into my cave and decided to wait in the Metropolitan lounge where the sleeping car passengers wait for their trains . I ended up plugging in my laptop and checking my e - mail and had over 90 messages to respond to , half of them were just Spam messages . There was lots of confusion just outside the Metropolitan lounge right before they started boarding the first class passengers . There were four or five Red Cabs there waiting to assist elderly as well as people needing assistants onto the train and they all had those big white luggage carts . Plus they all got mixed in with the coach passengers who were right there waiting to board as well . They use to do the first class boarding differently and have us leave from the rear of the lounge , which seemed much easier . I 'm sure they have their reasons for changing this procedure . The train left right at 3 : 40 , which is the scheduled time , I was in room 5 car 0330 and my attendants name is Carol . She seemed to have things in order as I boarded , coffee brewing , the drinks were out , and each person had one of those great Ghirardelli mints waiting for them in their rooms . Later in the trip I saw boxes of these at various places and would always grab one or two to quench my sweet tooth . Amtrak 's mighty Southwest Chief pulled out of the station in all of its glory and got about 30 feet outside and then suddenly came to a screeching halt . An announcement came over the loud speaker that we had to wait for the mail cars to be hooked up to the rear of our train . This was a normal procedure because I see this first hand on Sunday mornings when I sometimes see The Southwest Chief pull into the Fullerton station . There are always the four or five mail and freight cars tagged on the end . While we were waiting in the Chicago yard , Irv ( The Chief On Board ) came to my room to collect my ticket . He saw that my bags had TWA stickers on them and we talked in length about how sad it was that TWA was going under . I told him I had forty thousand frequent flier miles to use up and hoped American would honor them . Irv assured me they would and told me what a fan TWA he had been over the years . At Naperville , one stop out of Chicago what I describe as a " loud family " got on and their room was right across from mine . It was a mother with two little kids and a narrating grandma . The grandma was constantly narrating to the little kids what they were doing and what they were going to do next . " And now we 're on the train , and now we are going into our rooms , and now we are going potty , let 's all wave goodbye to daddy . " I 'm sure you get the drift . I prayed I would not have to listen to that the whole way to Fullerton . I ordered a small dinner salad , a piece of cake in my room , went to bed , and slept like a child , ( minus a narrating grandma . ) And what a great night 's sleep it was , I didn 't wake up once ! I peeked my head out of my car to see if they had started seating for breakfast in the diner . I liked where my room was because you could look down the hall and see into the diner . I waited a few minutes until I heard some others going down the hall . I wanted them to go in first in case it was a rude dining staff . Much to my surprise we were all greeted with a smile and the host said " Welcome To Breakfast . " I sat with a lady from New York who was going home to see her parents that she had not seen in 24 years . Her brother paid for the trip and she was more than elated . She had nothing but praise to say about her trip so far and how Amtrak was treating her like a queen . I was happy to sit with someone who was so positive . I sat there eating my pancakes as she talked and talked about how much fun she was having aboard the Southwest Chief . Later at lunch I sat with a man and his wife he is a professional headhunter for corporate computer people . Since I am in the computer field we had a lot to talk about and spent the whole meal , talking about computers and the computer industry . We exchanged information and he asked if I was looking for a better carrier in the computer industry . I told him I was happy for now but one never knows . He seemed to be very aggressive thus making him very successful in that industry . He and his wife enjoy train travel as much as I do and take about two trips per year . I 'm surprised I haven 't met up with them before on one of my journeys . As I sat in my room waiting for us to arrive into Albuquerque the dinning car steward came by and was taking reservations for dinner . I explained to him that I was going to wait for Albuquerque and have one of those famous burritos everyone talks about . He said that was a good choice and went on his was way . A few minutes later I heard what sounded like a radiator pipe breaking underneath the dinning car . I didn 't think anything of it really until we started breaking and I could smell something burning . The Chief On Board then announced that we had just hit a pickup truck at a crossing gate and that they had no further information than that and that they would keep us informed . There we were in a very desolate area somewhere between Lamy and Albuquerque New Mexico stuck on the tracks waiting to hear something . I always wondered what it felt like to hit something on a train now I know you hardly notice it at all . Most people in the train did not even know there was a problem until we got the announcement . It seems that the truck had been left on the tracks and there was no one injured and no one to be found . We spent another hour there while they inspected the train for damage . The truck was completely demolished but the train had no damage whatsoever . I guess burritos in Albuquerque were out of the question as we were now running 5 hours late . They told use the venders , including the burrito truck , would probably not wait that long . I guess I will have to wait for my next trip on the Southwest Chief to try one of those famous burritos . I must complement the attendant in the lounge car , I think his name was Mr . Grusham . He made the whole trip very funny and entertaining by the comments and interesting things he said over the PA . I wish he could go train the guy back on the Lakeshore Limited . Everyone really had their act together on this train , I must complement all of them . Woke up at 6 : 00AM and had pancakes in the diner , breakfast is definitely my favorite meal . It was particularly unique this morning because the sun was just rising over the east and it made the rolling hills of the dessert especially appealing to look at . I sat with a lady who was very quiet and very shy , kind of like me in many ways . We barely looked at each other the entire time only with an occasional glance . I would always smile but she would hurry and look away , perhaps she was engrossed in the moving scenery outside also . She ordered two scrambled eggs and asked the waiter if they had English Muffins and the waiter told her they did not . So she said that 's ok I 've already got one and she started rummaging through her purse much to my surprise she pulled it out and ate it with here eggs . I thought that it was a bit odd to have an English Muffin in your purse , much less ask the waiter if he had one , knowing you had one all along . Now I felt like the more normal of the two of us , I had no bakery goods in my pockets . A lady in the booth across from ours asked if her teenage son could sit with us because there were no more seats left in her booth . I quickly said yes thinking he might bring something more normal to our table . He ordered pancakes and orange juice just like I did but his presents brought nothing new or interesting to our dull table . I spent the rest of my breakfast watching the sunrise and the rolling hills of the dessert quickly pass by . When I got back in my room they announced that the train was now only 3 and a half hour late . They made it perfectly clear that Amtrak would stand behind their satisfaction guarantee clause that 's part of their new guarantee program . They said to call the 800 number and some sort of arrangement would be worked out because of the lateness stemming to the hour and a half wait coming out of Chicago . I thought this offer was cool even though I 'm not sure I 'm going to take them up on it because it really didn 't cause any hardship on me . If it would have been at the beginning of my trip and I missed some connection because of it , I 'm sure I would take them up on their offer . The night I left I left my truck in Anaheim because the Amtrak Fullerton Station does not allow 24 hour parking even for it 's traveling guests . I think that is rather odd since Fullerton is such a busy station with some long distance trains servicing their station . Now I had to take a short trip to Anaheim , just one stop on the Pacific Surfliner . As I boarded the Pacific Surfliner I noticed there was a lot of confusion as to what the passengers should do with their luggage when they get on the train . This is the 3rd or 4th time I have seen this utter confusion while boarding this brand new train . Most of these travelers where from the same train I was just on and some of them had quite a few bags to carry along and schlep up the narrow stairs . People were just leaving their large suitcases in the entryways and isles blocking the door , this made the conductor furious but what should they have done ? The lack of luggage space might be because Amtrak had to build the handicap bathroom so big that there was no space left for luggage racks like on the old Horizon cars . I would recommend all travelers coming to California on long distance trains , check your bags through to the city you are going to . Even if you are in a sleeper car , pack as light as possible and only bring on board what you must have . Overall I would rate this trip an 8 out of 10 as far as Amtrak goes for the most part they did a good job at seeing that I was happy and comfortable . And now if I may leave you with one parting thought ; |
Home > Blog > Katrina Stories from Gulf Coast Children - the Boys and Girls Clubs Rebuild The following are moving and compelling first hand accounts of Hurricane Katrina written by children whose homes , communities , and whose Boys and Girls Clubs of the Gulf Coast were destroyed by the storm . Please support our Kids Magazine Airlift to help these children rebuild their Boys and Girls Clubs and their lives . With your support , we 'll send wonderful children 's magazines to over 675 children in the Boys and Girls Clubs of the Gulf Coast . During Hurricane Katrina I had a bad experience . I stayed ! The power went off at 4 : 30 a . m . and the water started coming in at 9 : 00 a . m . and by 9 : 30 we were in the attic . Then we opened all the doors and windows . Then we heard a voice , it was a man who lived on my street . He had a flat aluminum boat and it was 5 feet long . Then we rode to the railroad tracks and we walked to another street into a 2 story house . It was like they just left because there was warm pizza on the table . The house was like rich people lived in it . We were there by 10 : 10 a . m . That house didn 't get any water in it . By 4 : 30 p . m . the storm was over so we walked to Mrs . Connie 's sister 's house and got some food . Then we walked back to our house and cleaned up . We slept in Mrs . Connie 's attic . The next morning my Grandma and Grandpa came and hugged us and cried . Then we went over to my other Grandma 's house in Picayune . My house got 7 ½ feet of water . Now you know my story of Hurricane Katrina . Hurricane Katrina affected a lot of people , my family and my life especially . Everything was changed in so many ways . School is different , I lost my friend from rabies , and everyone 's houses are all messed up . But even though all of this is out there somewhere , we still have roofs over our heads and family . I know our town isn 't much , but still we have a few restaurants , Wal - Mart and our neighborhoods . I know it will take years to rebuild , but once our town is the town it used to be it will turn out even better . It will be a nice town to chill out in and shop in little crazy shops . Our town will be better then it ever was . I think everyone will be happy and proud of the work that was accomplished in our town . This is my story about what I did during Katrina . My family went to Florida and we lived in a campground . We moved back to Mississippi two weeks after the storm . We found a campground in Picayune for four months . We were able to salvage a bunch of things . Our house was a mess . I was scared for a while . Then I got over it . I was scared because we left our four cats . We only found three out of the four . My dad stayed for the storm too ! On accident we left our dog Wags . She was only six months old . I found my favorite stuffed animals in my room . Katina was a big shock to me and my family . We hope to never go through a storm like this again . Katrina was very scary . We went to Wal - Mart to get food , drinks , toys and important things . This is what I did for Katrina . For Katrina I was at my house . Hurricane Katrina hurt our house . It was flat like a pancake really , but I wish I did not stay . I feel really bad about it . It is hard for me . I don 't feel good right now . I wish the hurricane has not come here . I had to stay during the hurricane , it was awful . I had to stay in the attic for 8 hours . I had to sleep because I was sleepy . There was water up there , it was scary . It is not fun , my life is ruined . Hurricane Katrina affected me and my Boys & Girls Club in a lot of ways . Some of the things are : it destroyed the Boys & Girls Club . As for me , well that is a different story . At first my family and I didn 't plan on leaving . Then when we heard that it is a category 5 storm we immediately started packing . On the way to Hattiesburg I was worried if my house was going to be okay . While we were in Hattiesburg and the lights went out I was so worried . I imagined if it was this bad up here , how bad was it down there . On the way back I was more worried then ever . After everything I saw on TV seeing the devastation would be really hard for me . When I got to my house I was so relived because the damage was minimal . I consider myself one of the lucky ones compared to the people who lost their whole homes . Because of Katrina some people 's whole lives were lost and because of Katrina I will never take anything for granted . Hurricane Katrina affected my by other people living with me . The people staying with me was my mama 's aunt , uncle and first cousin . About a month later my mama 's boyfriend and his brother and his brother 's girlfriend moved in . The night of the storm my cousin and my cousin 's mom stayed but they were no problem . They stayed a long time . Two weeks before school started my cousin went to Texas to go to school because it was too long to be waiting for school to open back up . When they left my mom 's aunt did the stupidest thing to my mama 's boyfriend . She flashed a flashlight in his face and already knew who he was , asked him who he was and started getting an attitude with him . My mama just laughed but I didn 't think it so very funny . After that she got on my nerves a whole lot . After that my mom got irritated and kicked her out . But being my mama 's predictable aunt , she didn 't go . So my mama didn 't do anything but said they only had until Friday and they had to go plus she said you can take anything you want . That was s stupid mistake . My mama and I went to the store Friday and when we got back all of our food was gone and we didn 't have enough food to last a day . We had went to the store to buy me a jacket and all that time I couldn 't go to the Boys & Girls Club because it was gone . I was very bored at that time . When it opened up I was happy . I wasn 't bored for a long time after that . I am glad that it is opened back up and because I had to watch two little kids at home and the 7 year old was the most worst kid that ever got on my nerves but the baby was ok , but he cried a whole lot . Hurricane Katrina was a huge storm . It was very bad too . Hurricane Katrina made my life change in so many ways . Some of the ways were I did not have power for three weeks . I also had to go to the north part of Mississippi . My mom and dad had friend who stayed for the hurricane . They check on our house and called my mom . They said the house was ok and my mom started to cry . After we came home we had to stay at our Grandma 's house and my aunt 's house . My Grandma did not have power but my aunt did . We had enough supplies so we tried to give some of our supplies away . When school started the Boys & Girls Club helped a lot . It is a lot better now . On August 28 , 2005 my family left our house and headed for South Carolina . When we got there we arrived at my nanny 's and pop pop 's house . My dad left South Carolina and went back to Mississippi to rebuild our house . Four days after we get to South Carolina we started school . I made new friends when I went there . My best friend is named Casey . One week later we had to rehearse a poem . Some day in October we left to go home . I was really sad . When I got home we picked up debris and I helped my dad fix the roof . Hurricane Karina had changed a lot . My house was a 2 story , was flooded 5 feet . We have been living upstairs . My school is gone , but we were only there for two weeks . Now we are in trailers in Delisle Elementary . For a long time we had to go in Porti - Pottys . That was gross ! I was sad about it for a long time . My friends , school , half - house , town was gone . But the whole thing seems stronger . I was never in the Boys & Girls Club before . People I know who have been there loved it and it was sad it was gone . But now it really isn 't as bad . Hurricane Katrina affected us and our Boys & Girls Club . My house and my Boys & Girls Club are gone . My school is a bunch of trailers by the school . The Boys & Girls Club is in the cafeteria . I am living in a trailer as big as a room . Every day we have to use Porti - Pottys . I was very sad because I lost my cats . There is like not one house that is in my neighborhood that is livable . City Hall will not let us build back . So my parents bought a house and we will live in it until we can build a house . Most of my friends are in other states . Hurricane Katrina destroyed our house . It has waves or storm surges about 35 feet of water . We lived in an apartment . We live in my Grandma 's front yard . During Hurricane Katrina we were in my grandma 's house . I woke up because I heard something fall . I woke up all of my cousins we were all scared . During Katrina we saw a lot of trees fall and split in half . One side fell on all the cars and the other side fell on the ground . I live in a FEMA trailer . I hate it . But we have something to live in . I am happy that I am ok . Hurricane Katrina affected my life in a whole lot of ways . Hurricane Katrina tore down my house . Now I am living in a FEMA trailer . The FEMA trailer is small . I am living in a trailer with my mom , dad , and my nephew who is 1 . I am glad we were in a trailer and not in a tent . We 're just now able to move to our trailer on our land by our house . I am happy that we can move our trailers on our land . The trailer we were in now , which is at a trailer park , is the same length but a different width . Another good thing about the trailer on the property is the white leather couch . The hurricane really did some damage to my house . Hurricane Katrina has affected my life and the Boys & Girls Club Pass Christian Unit in a whole lot of ways . It has affected my life by taking my house and I don 't have anything I used to have such as my old clothes and my scrapbooks . I also lost a lot of pictures of my friends who are no longer here . With the Boys & Girls Club , Katrina took , well , everything except for the frame of the building . Even some of the frame is gone . Hurricane Katrina has also changed my life for the good by also giving me a fresh start and a chance to make my life better . Hurricane Katrina destroyed my home and separated me and my loved ones and animals . Hurricane Katrina made me and my family live with my grandparents . We got our FEMA trailer January 19 , 2006 . Hurricane Katrina storm surge flooded my home . Hurricane Katrina destroyed my Boys & Girls Club . Hurricane Katrina left me and millions of other people to have no home . Hurricane Katrina made me lose my friend from Pass Christian . Because Hurricane Katrina has made my family spend a lot of money for a new house . Because of Hurricane Katrina we have gotten to meet a whole lot of people from all over the place like Michigan , North Carolina , and Florida and also talk to some people from Australia . Hurricane Katrina affected me because I wasn 't able to do half the things I was able to do before . I wasn 't able to drink fresh water for about three weeks . My house didn 't have power for about one week . For almost 8 hours I couldn 't go outside . I couldn 't go swimming after Katrina and that made me mad . The Long Beach Public Library was damaged and that made me mad because I love to read ! Hurricane Katrina affected my Boys & Girls Club because they lost their building during the storm . My Boys & Girls Club is at my school and they are running it smoothly . At first it was hard to start off the way it was . I 'm not used to being around a lot of people . Once you go to it for a week you start to lose all of your fears and become less timid . I 'm sorry that I am coming back into my life , but there are some more things I would like to say . Going to school with Pass Christian Elementary is a good experience and a bad experience . It is good because I get to make new friends and a new teacher . There are many bad experiences like we do things differently than we used to and the classes are larger . My old friends from before the storm barely speak to me anymore . Some people think a kid 's life is better right now because people from different states are donating things . I 'd say people just care and want to help ! My mom says we need crates for all the donated things . Also , the Boys & Girls Club had great educational programs for the children . When we are good we get awards for our conduct . I know they had a large playground but now it has gotten smaller because they are on school grounds . I have made a lot of new friends . I 'd like to have one more , but what I have is about enough ! Hurricane Katrina affected me by having no cable , no phone , no internet , no electricity , no nothing for about 2 months . But the worst part was no cable . I couldn 't watch TV at night when I didn 't have anything to do . All I did was sit in a tent and play with a cat that we found during Hurricane Katrina . I had to sleep in a camper for a while . All day I could play in the trees and make a clubhouse . One day some friends from Colorado came with about 300 gallons of gas because they knew we didn 't have any gas stations open . They cooked diner every night and one night I helped them cook and we saved that dinner for the next night and they said I made it by myself . When they left I went back to playing in the tent with the cat . One night I set up my tent but then my little cousin wanted me to sleep with him and some other relatives in a three room tent . The next night I was going to sleep in my tent but my mom said we were moving back into our house . Hurricane Katrina affected my life by taking everything we had including our clothes , shoes , one car , one dog , our house , toys , TV , computer , table , shelves , beds , char and other items in our house . Hurricane Katrina winds were over 129 speed of wind . She was so bad the next you looked on TV she was a category 5 , now that was scary . Well when we saw her wind and her category we packed up and left . Her winds were so powerful all the trees were blowing left to right and front to back . After all of this devastation we tried to see our house but the police told my family to come back another day . So the next day we went by and my mom was mad so she said , " I 'm going to see my house ! " After that we went to see our house and it looked bad We had an enormous tree on our house and we were flooded out My mom cried because she didn 't like the way the house looked We went to go see if our dogs were ok , we did and only 2 was alive One dog died and I was crying I was sad to see my oldest dog died But one of my dogs was not there , so we called her and she didn 't come So we said we would come back the next day We did and my mom and my dad found her But my dad could not bring her in the car So he came back and she was not there and we were still sad So me and my brothers called my grandfather to pick us up and he did So , we went to Georgia It was fun until we went to school But I had to be happy because education comes first So , we stayed up there for 2 weeks and came back After that we came home After that my dad had a surprise for us and it was my other dog I was excited that she was home After weeks we went to my aunt 's property so we could have a lot of space Weeks went by and finally I was thinking of our trailer and my dad said it was going to come the next day and it didn 't Days and weeks went by until the trailer Finally our trailer came and my family was happy Since August 29 , 2005 , I still remember what Hurricane Katrina did to my country Through this day on I stand brave and tallGirl - Age 1 Katrina started in the Bahamas . Then it moved up and to the United States of America . It wasn 't supposed to hit Mississippi . But it took an unexpected turn to Mississippi . It happened August 29 , 2005 . The worst thing happened . It tore down casinos , houses and threw cars in the air . I was at my aunt 's house through the storm and sometime after . The next day after the storm we went to look at our house and the house was gone . Then about seven days after we saw our house we went to the Point in Biloxi . Cars were thrown around and stacked on top of each other . It was horrible . It tore up my school and I had to move back to the Elementary School . My neighborhood was destroyed . It left so many people without family , and houses , and jobs . Then to make it worse , we had to live without TV and water . It made me realize that what I have today could be gone tomorrow . I am thankful that I did not lose my family or friends . Without my family I couldn 't have gotten through the storm . They calmed me down when I got upset . Victims have made friends with people they have never met before . They brought medicine , food , MRE 's , clothes , and household supplies . These people from other states helped us so much . There was three generations in my family that have experienced storms at least once in their lives . This is my Katrina story . THE END During Katrina my house was almost destroyed and my dad was not there . My mom and I had to do a lot of work . One thing we had to do was that we had to go to Lowes and wait for three hours . I go to the D ' Iberville Boys & Girls Club . My house in Hurricane Katrina didn 't fall down . My house just got builded up . My bed it was on my window so the glass didn 't break . My other stuff was in my closet except for my desk . My sister 's room was the same . My mommy 's room was different . The closet was full of stuff . Her big hat was in the closet , the hat took all the room . Katrina was a disaster and it affected my life a lot . At first my mom and dad thought it was a light storm . When it got category five my mom got worried and started packing . I was terrified and I was scared that something was going to happen to my house . I went to Jackson , Mississippi and I stayed at my Grandma 's house . About two weeks after Katrina I went to school in Jackson . They did everything different . Instead of the reading report coming out of the printer the math report was coming . It turned out to be okay . After two more weeks at the other school , I finally got to go home and everything was okay . Though I missed my new friends I still go back to my old friend . This is how Katrina affected my life . ENDING Katrina affected my life because I had to move . I did not like most of the changes . A lot of things happened to me . My school changed , my house changed , my friends changed and also my family . During the storm my family retreated to Florida . A big problem happened along the way . We broke down . The police had to come and fix my grandma 's car . Luckily my grandma had a friend nearby and me , Daniel , and my grandma stayed at her friend 's house in Mobile . We had to split with my mom because there was not enough room ! Then my dad came to pick us up . ( My mom and dad are divorced , well almost ! ) After 2 weeks my mom wanted us back . She had went back alone to check everything out . My dad did not want to give us back . He threatened my mom with a gun . ( He was on drugs . ) My mom was going to come kidnap us back . My dad was going to go to court to take custody of us . His excuse was my mom used bad judgment during the storm leaving us in Mobile . She had no choice ! Our house roof has collapsed and we had to move into a camper . FEMA ( after a long time ) had brung us a trailer but crashed it . So they brung us a new one but they lost our file and took it back . They now had brung us two small campers . They are smaller than what we have now . How Katrina affected me is because of the storm I was dislocated . My mom lost her job at the casino . We had to go to my dad 's house for a couple of months . I lost some of my games and stuff . My dad bought some new games . Then we got a condo . We had some fun there . A lot of fun . We ate out like every day . After the months were over we came back to my mom . We had to live at my great Grandma 's and grandpa 's house . We spent like a month or so . Then we got a trailer . We live there now . Then my mom got a job at the Imperial Palace . She used to work early , now she works late . We have to stay at the Boys & Girl 's Club . We 've stayed here since . Well , the End . When I was hit by the hurricane many things happened , and many things changed . Many of my family died . All of my friends were gone . People say that if you believed in luck your house would still be there , but they were wrong . My house and everything in it was gone . So now we live in a FEMA trailer and we are lucky we are one of those that don 't have to live on the street . Thankfully , me , my mom , my brother and my sister evacuated when we were told to . If we hadn 't all of us would be dead . Thanks to other people that actually care about people on the Mississippi Gulf Coast . Now that we have settled in a real house , we are happy . Even to this day me and my family help other people who are homeless . We give our old toys and old clothes to people who really need them the most . I even donate money to schools that need to be built back to there original way . So now I am out of donations , but I have helped many people . Thank you Mississippi ! How Hurricane Katrina affected me , I got 4 feet of water . We had ten people in our house . We had five dogs . I was holding my dog named Coco . My mom was throwing my chow out the window . He went down into the water . He was in very big shock . So was my family . We were all crying . We went across the street and we got up on the curb . And my dad said that if the water came up any more that he was going to break into the salon and get all of the kids up on something high . We were watching things fly across our yard . My pawpaw 's shed went sideways and now it is stuck that way . When the storm was slacking down we all got in our cars and went to my aunt 's house . We stayed the night there for 3 or 4 nights . Then we went home and started to clean out the camper . We lived in a camper for 4 months . Now we are back in our house . Nobody I know of died in my family . But half of my family lives in Florida , Vancleave , Alabama , Texas , Louisiana . That is about the Hurricane Katrina in my family . During the storm we went to my maw maw 's house and stayed . Then my mom saw we got flooded and we started to cry . Then my dogs were left but at least they survived . That night after the storm my mom , dad , and brother went to the house and the next time they went I went with them . And it was horrible and I started to cry . I went in the house so I could help and all my clothes were in my closet and we threw every one away . Then we started to clean more and more . Then we have a horrible life too . Then I never could play with friends anymore . My mom says I have to stay in the yard but then I help clean and the house is starting to look really good and it is almost ready . Katrina affected me in many ways . Katrina misplaced me from my family , friends and my home . My home received 32 feet of water . I lost my clothes and my most prized possessions . When Katrina hit I had to stay with my aunt in Alabama . Me and some of my friends down the block had a birthday party . And the day after when everyone was still there the news said a tornado was about to strike our town in less than 2 minutes . Everyone grabbed what they could and ran to the basement . I was crying because my mom and aunt were down the street with my brother , sister and 2 baby cousins playing at the park . I called my mom as fast as I could . I said , " Mom , go to the basement hurry please , a tornado is coming . " A week after that we went to our house in Bay St . Louis When I walked up to my house it looked fine , but when I opened the door it looked as if a blender had been turned on high speed We had 4 inches of mud all over the house even in storage , move in storage I should say Now the water I used to swim in in front of my house is now contaminated with who knows what Then after that me and my family were asking " What Now " . Well lucky my dad works for the city and he talked to some people which did not do us very much good because now we have a 22 foot FEMA camper with 5 people , a dog and a cat living in that tiny little bo . I think it is a lot harder for us kids because I don 't know any other kids , but I changed schools 3 time . First , just getting into my old schoo . Then in Alabama I went to a different schoo . I was just getting settled in ther . Now I 'm going to D ' Iberville Middle Schoo . I really hope I don 't move again which is slim to non . Well now you know which I 'm sure I am leaving out lots , but this is all the main thing . This is my afterlife of the big During Hurricane Katrina I went to Tupelo . Our house lost some shingles and our yard was really trashy . My Grandma lost her house . She lives in Wiggins now . She lives on a hill so I guess she is doing ok . I am going to see them this weekend . I lost my power during the storm . But it 's on now . I 'm helping them clean their yard . My dad " s boss lost the Club he was building . And my other Grandma lost some shingles to . So how did you do during the storm ? Once upon a time there was a boy who went to Mobile . We went to a hotel . When we got to the hotel we check in but we had to stay at the 20th floor at the very top . When the hurricane came by the windows were almost bursting . The lights and the water was gone . The flag poles was hitting the walls . The hotel people told everyone to come on in the lounge and eat food . We played games during the hurricane . They passed around drinks , eggs , Slim Jims , bacon . After the hurricane we went to Biloxi and saw all the trees on people 's houses and there cars . There were houses that were knocked down and roofs that were gone . Cars were in the ocean . The casinos were gone . How Hurricane Katrina affected me . She first started as a tropical storm by the Bahamas . It first hit the state of Florida . And then it made a sharp turn like the shape of an L . It was a cat 1 when it first hit . In just a few days later it had speeded up to a cat 5 . Then it hit Biloxi and D ' Iberville . When it hit Florida they thought it was going to hit Texas , but they were wrong . At first the Gulf Coast was so beautiful but now it is a big disaster . When I first moved here I was just 5 years old . I went to Gorenflo School . I went there a half a year for Kindergarten . A whole year for 1 , 2 , and 3rd . That is when I moved here . I went to D ' Iberville for 4 years . And that is when Hurricane Katrina came August 29 , 2005 . It hit on a Monday at 3 : 00 am that morning . My mom and I went to McComb before it . My mom 's friends stayed here . While we were in McComb we were so scared . While we were watching the news about Katrina about how high the winds were and other stuff . Well at 3 : 00 am it hit McComb too . I was still asleep but everyone else wasn 't . When the wind would slow don I would go to my Aunt Bonnie 's house , it is 2 houses from my meme 's house . While we were there the heat was like fire because we had no air for 3 weeks . And while the hurricane was going on the lights went off and on the light pole the wire broke in half because of the lightening . After the hurricane we went for a ride and when we came back I saw a trailer was on fire , so went to look for the people and we told them . And when the phone came back on we got a hold to our friends and they were alive . And when we went home it was a big disaster . I started to cry . I was thinking if when I went to Kids Quest and other stuff . And that is my Katrina story . THE END Before Hurricane Katrina we had to get ready . We had to pack up to go to Philadelphia Mississippi . That is where my Aunt Mel lives . She has two dogs and a cat . The dogs names are Whoopie and Samson . Whoopie is a teacup chiwawa . After we got to my aunt 's house we went to bed . We stayed for a couple of days . We played with Whoopie if me and my brother Dawson were bored . After the hurricane we rode home . When we got home we had to clean up . After a few days the roof leaked . After that we got it fixed . Katrina changed my life because it made my family apart . It killed my dog and cat . Katrina has killed many people and spread families apart . It even blew up buildings . Katrina hit in 2005 , and now things are fixed . Apartments are fixed , casinos are fixed and trailers have been rebuilt . Me and my family moved into a camper in St . Martin . Katrina killed some of my friends . My dad is in North Carolina . My mom is taking care of us . My dad can 't take us because it is against the law . If he takes us without permission he will go to jail . He can only visit us if he goes to court . If he does he can visit us on Sundays . My mom says he will be able to visit us in a year or two . Nothing really happened to my Boys & Girls Club but my house got a little messed up . My roof had holes in it . We had to take out all of the furniture . The floor had to be taken out . We had to throw away most of my things . I went to Jackson at my grandma 's house . We had to stay at my grandma 's house for about two and a half months . We had to go to a new school , Pisgah . My cousin Margaret went to that school so she showed us around . We made a whole lot of friends very soon especially the bus driver . During the hurricane we stayed outside and watched it . When we cam home our house looked bare . We bought things to go in it . After a while it looked new . That is my Katrina story . The afternoon before Katrina I spent the night at my freinds 's house . We were frightened when we heard the rumble of the storm . Her dad took us on the porch . The whole neighborhood was flooded . Then a big oak tree snapped and hit the ground . When the storm calmed down my mom took us to see our house but there was a problem . We couldn 't see our house because the way was flooded . We started to worry . We went to our church to see our grandma and papa . Luckily they were alright . That is how Hurricane Katrina affected my life . Almost nothing happened to me . Some of my shingles fell off . Oh I went to Arkansas . I got to see my aunts and uncles . It was fun . My cousins were gone . One of them was gone because she was with her church in Florida . The other one is with her dad . I played with my two other younger cousins . One is three and one is five . I was devastated watching the news in Arkansas . My mom would not even let me go to the beach until five months after Katrina hit . I t almost made me cry . We were just leaving for the hurricane . We went to Florida . I went to Fun Town USA . It was really fun . When we got back our house was flooded . We got a trailer and a rabbit . We got a trampoline . And the hurricane blew it away . I wish I still had a house . There was a big dent in the roof . We had a thirty foot surge . I got a new bike . During the hurricane I went to Jackson . I stayed at a hotel . I had a friend there . Her name was Kaitlyn . She had an older brother named Zack . He was wired . But she moved . I miss her a lot . But before she left we went to swim . It was nine feet deep . But the hurricane came to Jackson . So we had to go to Tennessee where my uncle lives . We stayed with him . He has a dog named Snoopy . Then I headed back to Mississippi , my house was destroyed by the hurricane . So we got a trailer with my mom and my mom 's dog is named Lucy . I went to some place , it was a hotel . I went to the beach . There were dolphins and sharks at the beach . I went to the pool . It was very windy . After the storm I went to my friend 's house . Some of the shingles fell off . Then I went to my other friend 's house . It had branches and water . Then I went to my neighborhood . Almost every house was destroyed except mine . My house was just getting built , it was still wood . Then we came back to school . I wanted to learn more stuff and came to the Boys & Girls Club . When the hurricane hit I stayed in my house and in the middle of the hurricane three trees fell on my house . And after it was over we went outside just to check and we walked around on all the streets and we saw roofs ripped off the houses and the power lines were down on the ground and trees blown over on the streets and trees in the road and I saw a boat under water and a bunch of cars sunk under the water and a whole house flooded with water . And I found some cool rocks in the water and on shore we went past a bunch of houses and when we went back home we went to bed . And after the night I woke up the next morning and my dad was cooking rolls for me . And my friends stayed with me and then the next morning the power came back on and we played . And then I got sick and the next day I felt better and I got to go outside and play . When I came to this school I started to go to the Boys & Girls Club and I met new friends . I was in the second grade and then I went to third grade and I got smarter and smarter by the day . And when I will meet a lot of friends and when I get to college and I will meet new and new and new by the day and I will always remember all of my teachers and my Boys & Girls Club . I was in Atlanta when the hurricane hit . My grandmother , mom , and my brother and I was on our way to Atlanta when we got there we went straight to bed . The next morning we ate breakfast . When we finished we watched the news . It wasn 't looking good for Mississippi . Everything was blowing everywhere . Stuff was coming apart . I can 't believe my eyes . We stayed until the hurricane was over and when we got back to Mississippi I was shocked everything was a mess when we got to our house . It was okay . A few roof tops fell off . When we went into the house the electricity was out . I had to bring matches downstairs . On the day of August 28 , 2005 my mother and I evacuated for the hurricane . My dad had to stay back because he is part of the military . My mother and I evacuated to my grandma 's house in Marianna , Florida . We stayed at grandma 's house for one week . While at grandma 's house I played the Play station and watched the news about the hurricane . The hurricane hit on August 29 , 2005 . My mother and I were gone for so long that we left grandma 's , went to a hotel and finally ended up at Eglin Air Force Base . But we only stayed there for two days . Then we came home and I was so happy to see Katrina did not take my house . The neighborhood had a lot of damage . My school was also damaged , they were closed for a month and since the Boys & Girls club is connected to my school , it was closed too . Finally they opened up again . I was so happy that the Boys & Girls Club and my school was open ! During the hurricane I was hoping the Boys & Girls Club was doing fine and not destroyed because I would not go to school and I would not learn anything . We learn new things - games , plays , and active days and other stuff and I would not see my friends at school . And I was watching TV WLOX news there were lots of tornado watches and where I was it was scary during the storm . The wind was very strong and it just made me scared so I went to sleep most of the time . It got hot so we opened the windows to get some air and we played games . I played with a cat . When I got up I saw some pictures of the outside . Then I seen the pictures , it was bad out there . I seen the trees getting ready to break over and fall on the ground and the leaves flying in the air all over the place . Before the hurricane hit when I was on my way to my grandma 's house I saw some cows . We thought they were going to be flying around outside but they were not . We did not see any cows flying . When I went back to school everybody was not there . A lot of people were not there . Some of my friends were gone . That was the sad thing about it . My house is okay , it made it during the hurricane , but I did not know about my family or how they were doing . We could not call people because the power was out . But after the storm I called to see if they were still alive but the best part about it , I am still alive . That 's just good because your family will get upset and cry but it would have been sad if I did die because I would miss my family so much that I would ask God if I could visit them and see them and talk to them because I like them . My family is nice to me ; they give me money and all kinds of things . But my family is like my life because I love them so much but not more than God because you should love him more . He died on a cross for us to live on this earth , that how much he loves us and how much you should love him . He never gets mad because he forgives you for everything if you ask him to forgive you . You never beg him because he can read yourGirl - Age 9 Katrina was a killer storm with death and indoor mold . The damaging wind was very harsh and cold . It was almost 12 hours long . Nor did Katrina care at all , cause she was very strong . Its hard to go through a hurricane like this . The moral of this poem is that this hurricane messed up people 's lives . I lost all of my toys and I really miss them . The hurricane damaged homes and that some people died , but some people lived , and some were injured . The thing is I am only 9 years old and that is very scary . Please help me . The End . I went to my aunt 's house for Hurricane Katrina . It flooded part of my aunt 's house . We watched some movies and they were boring . My aunt lives by the water . There was a trash can in the water . She was glad it was not hers . My uncle 's tool box was in the water . My cousin had to work during the hurricane . We had to use a flashlight a lot of times . When it was time for Boys & Girls Club we had a lot of fun . We played games and talked about all kinds of stuff . We had as much fun as we ever had . We did a lot of work . We had seen a lot of Army people that helped us . I got a little damage at my apartment . I went somewhere that took a day . I went to Reggie 's . I was happy to see my cousin . I didn 't got damage but my cousin got damage on her house . She lives in it . It got damage at other people 's houses except for me . I was not here , so what happened at my Boys & Girls Clubs ? |
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